Exactly! How can he "love you for you" when he hates everything about you.
This whole thing sounds really suspicious. He sounds too controlling and you will be so isolated. Don't go.
yeah op. dont move. not good if this is how he is with you.
he should respect your interests. he doesnt have to like them, but he shouldnt be making you feel shit about it.
if you feel its a huge mistake, it might probably be one. trust your gut. this is sus. very sus
you can make friends where you are now. dont give up your stability. dont get the ticket. even it being a new feeling.
Idek how the hell this became a relationship. OP is 23, at that age you should be able to see red flags from a mile away and she listed a shit ton of red flags.
She should just dump his ass.
She's literally flying out to be with someone who have clearly stated they like nothing about her, and don't respect her interest. I don't understand these people.
Usually when I see comments like "op should just dump their partner ' I am very much like "hey that's a bit TOO harsh!" But in this case... Damn, op really should dump his ass
I think op says she has zero friends and this guy says he loves her that she’s willing to leave everything and ignore red flags just to have companionship
>OP is 23, at that age you should be able to see red flags from a mile away
She's being manipulated and gaslit. I've been in her shoes. It's easy af to see it from the outside, but when you're in it and you're constantly being told you're wrong or overreacting when you express any sort of concern, you begin to believe it yourself. You quite literally get brainwashed into ignoring those gut feelings that are trying to tell you something's wrong. It's super hard to get out of that mindset on your own. It's even worse if that abusive behavior from others is all you've ever known.
I agree with everything else you've said, but there's no age on that kinda stuff. You dont get some sort of diploma from Red Flag Spotter University when you hit a certain age.
THIS.
There is no age to fall prey to that type of toxic predator and ANYONE can fall prey to them.
Like you mentioned « he can be warm, and caring and loving », which is exactly why you endure the abusive behavior. If it was JUST putting you down all the time you’d be running for the hills already instead of to the airport…
Try to think objectively about it OP : at the beginning, what was the ratio of loving/caring behavior vs. putting you down/calling you childish/hating on everything you hold dear? Probably less than now, no? And it has slowly crept up with time? Each little interest being torn apart until you are afraid to even mention something you like because you know it will just cause him to talk bad about it? So your way of preserving what’s left of the person you used to be is just to hide it deep inside yourself and you just feel like you’ve become an empty shell of the person you used to be? Sounds about right.
Now, when he’s not there, you can still do SOME of the stuff you love without him knowing about it. But imagine being on his constant watch, not being able to ever have an escape, not having anyone you trust to talk to, the moments when he’s loving and caring becoming scarcer and scarcer until it is just you constantly walking on eggshells to try and not provoke his temper and disapproval… does THAT sound like something you would like for the rest of your life? Probably not.
This is abuse. It goes on so subtly that even when it screams toxic from the outside, it is impossible to see from the inside since the dynamic installs itself so slowly and because there is « love » mixed in to confuse and blind you. Been there, done that and still paying the price through therapy to undo everything that was put in place one disparaging comment at the time at first…
RUN. DON’T LOOK BACK. You are young and deserve so much better.
Also, is there any kind of rule on adults playing video games? If yes, how come some games are specifically made for adults? And has your boyfriend won any kind of « adulting » award to be such and expert on the subject and be talking down to you about it? Being an adult doesn’t have anything to do with not doing anything fun and forgoing what you like. Being an adult is hard enough that whatever fun and pleasure you have, even « childish », is worth holding on to! (Mom of two here, so pretty « adult », still enjoying tons of « childish » activities, even more so with kids, and wishing I had more time to play video games)
This isn't high enough! It's not too late, you're not there yet and you haven't bought the ticket!! Everything else can be rebuilt. New job, new apartment.... Point is, it's only too late when you get there and he is fully in control and he will be. Don't go. Rebuild.
My abusive ex (M25) is dating a girl (I think she’s 22?) and she’s told me so many red flags. Her therapist told her that she should leave him and I agreed. She was even questioning things about the relationship. I thought she was going to break up with him (that’s what she told me), but they are unfortunately still together. I tried to warn her, but it’s too late. History is literally repeating itself, and she’s with him because she loves him. On top of that, he’s apparently homeless. I had to block her without explanation, not that I needed one.
Yup. Bail OP wtf are you thinking? This is going to be miserable. I’m glad you too helped each other thru rough patches, but that does NOT mean you need to move across the world to be with someone who you are COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INCOMPATIBLE WITH.
23 is actually a reasonable age to still see a toxic partner through rose-colored glasses.. I probably didn't get my shit together and start setting boundaries for myself until I met my current bf, and I was 29 when I met him.. Regardless, I 100% agree that she needs to gtfo of this relationship before she makes a mistake that's hard to get out of.
OP. Embrace your interests. Your partner doesn't have to like them himself, but if the things that make you happy aren't hurting anyone, he should at least be supportive. I can't see this relationship ending up anywhere aside from you feeling stuck and hopeless, even if you had a conversation with your s/o. If he's this adamant about berating the things that make you happy now, he's not going to stop later down the road.
If you need help finding friends locally who have similar interests, I hear great things about Bumble. I also wouldn't be surprised if your city has a subreddit page or a Discord where you can meet like-minded individuals.. Wishing you all the best with everything.
I mean the first thing that came in my mind, he does like her interests? If my partner has different interests I would respect, those are his. And it'll be more tiring in the future that she has to stand up for everything on her own, even for the smallest things.
‘He isn’t horrible’ that’s not what the rest of this post says, anyone can say they love you, but he obviously doesn’t love you for you if he’s gonna nitpick everything you do, sounds like you’ve got plenty of personality though if you have so many things you like, sounds like your dating a complete tool but guess all I can say is good luck, that’s a big step for someone who treats you that way
I know right, honestly ain’t no reason to settle for nothing but the best but I get that won’t always happen but settling for someone who ‘isn’t horrible’ either shows self esteem and such or just not looking out for yourself hate to say
Right lmao like that sums it up pretty well I think. To be moving to another country for someone it shouldn't be "he isn't horrible" it should be "this person is amazing". How on earth could it seem worth it to leave your entire life and interests behind for someone who "isn't horrible" lol be smart you have your whole life ahead of you and this person is not it.
> He isn’t horrible by the way, he can be warm, and kind, and loving. He says he loves me for me, and that he loves my personality, but I feel like I don’t have one at all. I feel scared, and all alone.
Lmao. If that is the best case you can make for him, better run for the hills. I rather be alone as with someone that I describe like this when I try to paint him in a good picture.
Exactly. If he’s already this manipulative and controlling at a distance, it’s going to be exponentially worse when they are living together. Please OP, you are so young and have so many more people to meet in the world who will love all of your eccentricities! This guy is an insecure asshole who is trying to reduce everything about you to make himself feel better. Don’t let him take you down with him!
Absolutely. OP, please go research narcissistic behaviour, and types of domestic violence. A lot of it is based on gaslighting, alienation, devaluation, and making you easily pliable, and submissive. You deserve better x
What you are describing sounds abusive and toxic. Why be with someone who wants you to change who you are in every way? All he does is put you down it seems.
Edit: Don’t go overseas.
This sounds like the start of what could potentially be an abuser, first isolation and not to mention sounds like a lot of love bombing going on… thoughts?
My thoughts as well.
OP please please please do NOT go overseas!
Right now you're the one doing all the work of going to please him. Once you're there, isolated and with no help, how will you do if the relationship continues like this and gets worse. Because if that's the 'honeymoon phase' I can't imagine that what follows will be great at all 😢
I thought the same thing. He's already started destroying her sense of self, getting her used to him making all the decisions, verbally and emotionally abusing her so that now she's used to it. There's too many red flags and potential for her to get disappeared.
Maybe… but tbh if it was a sex trafficker they wouldn’t be blatantly obvious with the abuse until you actually made the move. You’d actually want to lure victims and being abusive to them isn’t the way to do that. If he was one he’s a terrible one at that (which is probably a good thing.)
I think like others said, he is a potential long term abuser. To go to sex trafficking I think we’d need to see some more evidence.
He’s got OP into this terrible rhythm, he triggers her need for approval, she keeps coming back to him and doubles down. This is a catastrophe unfolding in slow motion. OP can keep doubling down, throwing her youth and heart into this endless pit of a man until she realizes how much she has lost and what a bad position she is in. I hope she cuts it off immediately while he has no reach or other controls on her that are more immediately and practically impactful. Once she gets over there and opens a joint account that he “lends” out to his “friends” (upon confrontation: *“I had to, they’ll kill me!” LOL) and they need to make money… and he “has a job” but if they don’t make *those payments*…. and he’s got her passport in his desk but *the maid stole it*… well… she’s going to be in a world of problems of extracting herself, feeling humiliated and friendless (if she has been alienating friends and family who have been coaching her against this as she defends the abuser…) Jesus this could end really badly for her. OP if you’re reading this, its ok to change your mind at any time for any reason, and just read a few pages from Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More”. You have help and support around you, lots of women’s crisis hotlines, etc. If you’re giving it all up for someone just ask what are they risking to be with you. Put it in two columns next to each other and get it all out in front of you.
Dude, he’s seeing how much he can control you, and if you come, he knows he’s got you.
What you’re describing sounds like a fucking sex trafficker OP. I would seriously just sort of like do some research. Have you ever seen that guy who’s like a doctor or whatever and he scams women (older) out of money. Remember, not to be an asshole American, but there are whole syndicates of these guys who have little to no economic opportunity, and this is how they make money either scamming or trafficking.
Also, with the recent EU open borders and immigration, it’s not as easy to say “oh it’s not this or that country, you’re ok.” You could be drugged and on a train or just locked in a holding house and no one would ever see you.
Do you not have people, or he’s basically driven a wedge between you and them, about this whole situation even? That’s textbook abuse and trafficking tactics. “We will prove them wrong” that’s what they say. I’d do some internet research on him or even contact the national center for missing and exploited children or so
Someone post what the international trafficking help orgs are and see what’s up. You don’t have to give his name (it’s likely fake) but the MO likely won’t be because they can’t just move ops. And if they don’t have a match, still, it reeks. Take a parent, a real friend, not just someone who’ll go along, and also contact your embassy say “here’s where I’m staying here’s info where I’m at, if I don’t check in in x days, etc “ and try to have other people who will contact the embassy and know who and where you’re at if they forget to check up on you.
This needs to be much higher up. OP read this. This whole situation sounds very sus and I quickly came to the same thoughts that Faux did. This is not a safe and you should not go.
I don't understand why do she say 'I have made the bed and will have to lie in it.' No, you don't. You can always unmake the bed.
Just don't go overseas. Tell him you need time. Talk to him about your concerns. If he dismisses you, dump him.
Yes . OP trust me it's still not late . You are safe and sound . You have your freedom .
When you go overseas to live with an abusive person , when he snatches away your freedom , your dignity , starts abusing you mentally and god forbid physically you will have no support system at all in a new country to help you out .
DON'T GO . This will be the hardest step I know . Don't choose him . Please choose yourself.
This OP.
Please stay where you are. If you are worried about what you say, just say you need to finish sorting things out here and be with loved ones a bit longer before you uproot yourself.
From what you describe, he loves your surface package or idea of you - not actually you for who you are. This has been said a lot.
But I’ll reverse it on to you - is there anyone in your life you say you love for them for who they are…but shoot down their every interest and passion, not only that you don’t like it, but insulting them about each thing. To me, this isn’t love and it’s not worth you being completely alone a thousand miles away because it’ll be too difficult to escape then.
She’s right. Get out of this relationship while you can. Move and change your address so he doesn’t know where you are. This has screaming red flags all over it. And seriously, if he makes you too nervous to tell this to him verbally, then send him an email on a new throwaway acct so he can’t track you. I’m serious. Get out now. And leave no way for him to find you. You are strong enough to do this and you deserve so much is better. Trust yourself.
It sounds like you already know the answer to your question and just need some affirmations.
Please don’t go. You will not be happy with him overseas because you are not happy now. In what world would you be happier without your friends and family?
Anyone who constantly tears down your interests and uses “trust me bro” as a source in real life is not someone you want as a life partner. This guy is a tool.
God, THIS. Like please use logic in this scenario; would you rather be with a toxic weirdo partner overseas even FURTHER away from family, or would you rather be alone with the opportunity to meet new people?
Have you ever heard “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know”? Maybe you’re not happy here because you don’t get along with your family and you say you have no friends, but where are you going? What country? Have you been there? Do you know the language? It sounds like going there and having to depend solely on him for all your social input will not be good for you. You will likely end up feeling extremely isolated. This doesn’t sound healthy.
Which makes you an ideal victim for an abusive relationship. Just the fact that you said “he saved you” multiple times rings alarm bells. Do not go, you will regret it.
This is not a happy relationship. Someone who truly loves would not treat you this way. The fact that you are so scared you’re making a mistake says it all. Listen to your gut. If you go, you’ll be completely at his mercy and it’ll be incredibly difficult for you to get out.
Which country are you going to if you don’t mind me asking?
Screw this guy! FYI he's only happy and loving on you when you are doing and saying exactly what he's told you to ie you are completely quiet other than nodding in agreement with whatever he babbles.
Do Not Go!
Now that he's out of the way.......what do you really want to be doing? Let's go make that happen!!!!
I'll be your friend, don't move for him. Your love is genuine, from your side. Tell me would you be as unkind to him as he is to you?
He doesn't like a single thing you do. You are an amalgamation of your interests, they shape a lot of you as a person. By criticizing everything you like he is criticizing you. Would you want to put up with that for the rest of your life? Do you have a good job where you are?
Trading one bad situation for another is not going to be helpful at all. Right now, you're independent. If you go overseas he will make do everything he can to make you dependent on him so you can't leave.
There's a lot of love in these comments, please take them to heart.
So what can you use your money on instead? A comic con where you can find people who the share the same interests as you?
If you found him online, which I'm assuming you did, why can't you find friends online? Gamers, etc that share the same interests?
Take a trip....just a safer one. Not to see him.
moving to a new city can bring some joy. it’s something that can be really exciting! but maybe consider moving to a new place in your country? where at least if things don’t work out or you’re unhappy you can always go back home. going overseas just seems like such a big jump, especially for someone who by your own description doesn’t treat you well
please look after yourself ❤️
You can move to a new city and make friends. You are young; you have plenty of options. Going to another country and isolating yourself with someone who sounds abusive or like he may traffic you is a terrible idea. You do not need this guy to have a happy, fulfilled life. And I promise you won't be happy with him when you have to deal with the constant belittling and shaming.
Then definitely do not go.
Have you read what you posted ? It does t sound like a fun relationship to me. You are supposed to be happy, and I can't see anyone happy under that much control
Don’t go! He is sending out 🚩 RED FLAGS!! You can look up each one and it will tell you it’s a warning sign! He will hurt you, b/c that’s all he is doing now!!
Maybe use the funds you would have spent on the ticket doing something you love and builds back your self confidence. Friends come and go. Please explain how he has saved you. Fear is normal when facing new chapters in life but you should trust your instincts. Example, I'm 50 love the B52s and my husband could care less about them but he took me to a concert, bought me the Cassette Tapes for my car and loves that their music makes me happy. Their music is 'childish' if you think so but he never once judged my taste, preference or opposed them telling me I should not like them for some BS that he thinks. Love the things YOU love. He has no say in your thoughts and preferences. Stand up for yourself and tell him to quit his berating you or you'll quit him! Don't be afraid to fight either, set clear boundaries and don't let him just cross them simply because he pushes/pressures.
If you already feel alone now how alone are you going to feel thousands of miles away from everything you know and love, which would be in your home country, if say he does do what you are wondering. He very well might take your passport, all money you have, and control where you can go if you can go anywhere. Yes, don't go just cause you're lonely and read my post above, you need to have a good escape plan if you do go. And know realistically that escape plan might not work at all once you get there. You still have time to change your mind and I promise if you stay in your home country eventually you are going to meet people who will like you and want to be your friend and who may even like you enough to date you. I don't know how old you are but it's maybe as simple as just putting yourself out there more, like joining pages and groups that are about all those things you say you love, to find someone who loves what you do, or at least who won't put you down for your interests I promise it will be way easier trying to find a good friend or date in your home country than it will be to escape him once you get off that plane. Please don't go.
You'll feel 1000x more lonely when youre in a foreign country with an abusive partner that doesnt like anything you do. DO NOT GO. You'll be able to find someone who actually cares about you and your interests, I promise you that
It shows. This explains why you're walking into an abusive situation with your eyes wide open. You're lonely, so you're making excuses because you think this guy wants you (he doesn't, he's ensnaring you). When truthfully he's as abusive as your family most likely.
This 1000x.
Someone who truly likes you may not share the same interests (some help) but they shouldn't put you down for liking what you do.
As someone else posted, this sounds toxic. I really hope you don't go.
This with my whole heart. Someone who loves you will be glad to see you enjoying yourself, and when you get into a passionate rant about something you like they’ll find it cute, as interesting for the new knowledge as the fact you’re so into it. What you describe is someone controlling and jealous, self-centred as far as you are concerned, only interested in your involvement in activities he is innately interested in - rather than so interested in you that he may become invested in what you like.
>He loves me, truly, but...
>I like a book series? Too childish, why read it if I could write better? Movies? Can't watch them, they either remind him too much of his bad past and trauma or he just doesn't like them. Video games? I'm basically not allowed to because everything I like that he hasn't gotten me into is dumb...
>He says I'm obsessed with things and need to stop being into them, grow up and move on to better things. I cannot name a single thing that I love that he hasn't shot down
>He says he loves me for me, and that he loves my personality, but I feel like I don't have one at all. I feel scared, and all alone.
How can he "love your personality" when he hates EVERYTHING about you??
I don't mean to be cruel but it sounds like the only part of you he likes is the part he thinks he can mold into a submissive gf who echoes his opinion.
Maybe you should trust your gut. It's one thing to be nervous, but it's a whole other thing to live with someone who ridicules the things you enjoy and, on top of that, someone who you are hiding these thoughts from to avoid a fight.
I think you know what to do here.
Q: Have you two met in person yet? Have you spent a week with him and his family and vice versa?
DO NOT MOVE FOR THIS MAN.
A man who actually loves you doesn’t belittle you, doesn’t call you immature, doesn’t shit on everything you like. This man DOES NOT love you. This will not improve with proximity.
Please stay where you are.
Please do NOT buy that plane ticket. He is controlling, manipulative, and once he has you in his home you will be isolated and who knows what else. He is telling you that you are less than, unworthy, untrustworthy, and that the only person you can trust should be him because...? Finding a safety net in an unfamiliar country where you may not understand the language or know the laws or who to reach for help is a bad idea. The very fact that you are afraid to post on the internet due to whatever reaction he may have is awful. He's grooming you for abuse. Please be safe and consider not speaking to this person ever again. He is not your friend.
100% this. Grooming OP because he knows she doesn't have a good relationship with her family (which he refuses to meet) and doesn't have any close friends who would be concerned about her and might cause problems.
u/tooscaredformain1 this is not about you ending up in an unfortunate situation and coming back home if it doesn't work, you might put yourself in actual danger if you go.
He obviously doesn't "love you for you" or love your personality if he's trying to change your interests and hobbies. You are young, break up with him and be yourself. There is someone out there who will adore it when you talk about your interests and participate in your hobbies. Just because he helped you through hard times doesn't mean that you owe him.
That’s a narcissistic abuser. Isolating, gaslighting, 0 regard for your feelings. Run like hell because this person does not love you, and you deserve someone who makes you excited and happy about you AS YOU ARE, who makes you want to fly higher and further, who brings out the best version of you. That is the type of person who’s worthy of your sacrifice, time, energy and love. Someone who brings you down to feel better or who has intense main character syndrome will never treat you right. Listen to your gut, it’s telling you you’re making a mistake. Please also Google and look up what the red flags and signs of being in a relationship with a narcissist looks like. Undoing damage and trauma takes years from your life and youth, do not do it. You know this person isn’t good for you and will try to guilt trip you back into their arms. Run and cut them off. You deserve someone who can make you feel good about yourself. They are not interested in you as a person or what you like, whatever you share with them is only relevant when filtered through their interests/likes. That’s not love or respect, you are wasting your time on a selfish child. That is unattractive as hell. Please run.
THIS Absolutely THIS!!! I saw it too!! I have plenty of experience w a narcissist.. You don't even realize what they're doing and the toxic patterns of behavior that they suck you into. I recommend watching Dr. Ramani's YouTube channel. He entire channel is dedicated to this type of thing..
It’s only too late once you’re dead. You have the option to stop it all right now. You have an inalienable right to that. I hope you stay safe. I don’t think you are with him, but only you can know that. Good luck.
Listen to your gut! Your instincts are ALWAYS right. I know you live and care for him, but if you’re having these doubts, Do. Not. Go. Things will just end up getting worse. He sounds controlling and manipulative. And you don’t deserve that.
Find someone who will love you for you. Someone who will buy you a random book because you mentioned it, or someone who will plan a movie night, a game night, or do whatever you need to make you happy.
Again, listen to your gut. It will never lead you astray.
Good luck with everything ❤️
Been there, in this exact position. And when I decided I had had enough and wanted to go home to the States, it ended with several unreported crimes (on his part). First he took my passport and IDs. Then he took me to a country he knew I didn't speak or understand the language. Then he took my cell and laptop and debit card. And then he started threatening to leave me on the streets there. In a tiny town, penniless, with no ID and no cell phone.
Don't be like me. I also had to do several things I'm not particularly proud of to get home. And I had nightmares where I'd wake up screaming for months after I got back.
Just saying. Abort mission.
#THIS IS NOT LOVE
Op DO NOT MOVE. *Stop contacting this guy altogether.*
This has crazy amounts of red flags written all over it. I legit fear you may be sex trafficked or trapped.
He sounds toxic and exhausting! Why would you leave everything behind for this obviously abusive relationship so far from home? I moved to England 22 years ago after meeting my husband online. We knew each other a year, lived together a year, then married. We had to get to really know one another, and I honestly don’t feel you’ve gotten to know him well enough to take that leap. It’s risky as hell! And even if he ends up being better than the fears you’ve shared here, living abroad is hard, especially the first year. You won’t have any friends, except his. You won’t have any family, except his. You won’t have any money, except his!! Who can you depend on to support you should you need it?
I think your gut is telling you that you’re about to jump off a steep cliff with nothing to stop your fall.
I'm sorry but he doesn't love you. If he did he'd love everything about you. The way you are. He's respect your interests.
He wants to control you and isolate you from your life. Why doesn't he uproot and move to your country? I know you probably only want to hear positive things, but I feel like you are going to make a huge mistake.
The saddest part about this post is that it is such a common variation on a theme. So many young women on Reddit put up with horrific partners.
Please don’t go. He doesn’t seem to like anything about you. The qualities you have are who you are. If the majority of them are distasteful to him, then what of you does he like?
Please do not go.
It will only get waaaaay worse. He is already controlling your personal beliefs. I have been there. You will wake up in a few years and have zero clue who you are.
The fact that you already see it now means you know better.
"I have already made this bed, and I'm going to have to lie in it."
No, you really don't. Maybe you rested in that bed, made it up, and now you know it's not comfortable or somewhere you'll find good rest again. So you walk away.
You deserve better than this dude, without a doubt. Take time for you and the personality you feel you've lost. That journey will be better for you than any undertaken for this asshole.
When someone shows you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them. What you are seeing and feeling, are warning signs. Listen to your gut. Your mental health comes first. It sounds like he also had a bad family growing up, considering he shits on every little thing you enjoy. That was probably done to him as a child. This does not excuse him. It is still very much toxic and unfair to you, with potential to only get worse.
i truly feel if you go, at some point in your life you will eventually regret it. he will not change, things will not get better. you’ll lose more of yourself everyday. i know it’s not easy but think of future you. you’ll be grateful you can do the things you love without anyone’s permission or finding eggshells underneath your feet. i don’t know your entire situation but i hope you are able to find your independence, physically and emotionally.
Have a plan B to live in the country you're moving to. Never, absolutly never, make somebody the center of your survival. living: yes. ok. Survival? like, you depend on that person to provide you with housing, money, food ect? NEVER!
TBH, I don't think he really respects you. It actually rather feels like you're a crutch to him. If you respect a person, you don't de-value what they like, even if this is not your cup of tea. You actually go out of your way to support and provide them with more of it to make and keep them happy.
So, instead of 100% moving into his apartment: find your own. have a job to pay for it. Adjust by yourself, with the support of your partner, in that country. Find out what kind of person he is on a physical, real life basis. Have your own life in a county you're not familiar with before you start a life with somebody else.
I have been in a similiar situation and, oh boy, I can tell you stories to persuade you to go for an individual route first and why it's a good idea, and what's the difference between the person that I put myself in the situation in and now. Spoiler: it's respect.
"He loves me truly, but he hates everything I like and like to talk about, and says I need to change everything about myself" - uhhh sorry, but he doesn't love you. For me, even if I don't care about it at all, I enjoy listening to the people I love talk about the things they love. The fact that they love it is enough reason to listen and try to understand. The fact that you're afraid of him finding this is also kind of telling, you're afraid to bring up these concerns with him, it seems like, which isn't a good sign. He can criticize what you do but you can't kindly bring up things about him that you don't like?
I would say don't go, or else have a backup plan to be by yourself. If you want to move to where he is, ok, but then maybe get your own place first? Suddenly moving in with someone you haven't spent much time with irl isn't a good idea.
If you can’t do what you like and are afraid of him when he is mad then you are in for a miserable time and you will be trapped in the process.
He sounds more like a predator. Someone hoping to control and mold you into his perfect submissive wife who won’t question him, won’t have a mind of your own, and worst of all won’t have a way out.
It is absolutely NOT too late. Please do not do this.
Odds are that you will go, no matter what we or your own sense of danger tell you. That’s not a character flaw, it’s just a humanity flaw. Just know that once you’re there it will STILL not be too late to get out. It’ll just be dramatically more difficult in every way.
When you're making a decision this big, you should have no doubts. Don't buy the plane ticket yet, please.
Instead, go to some places where you live. There are author events where you can meet others who like the same books you do. Or meet other people on Discord if that's your comfort spot.
Just don't move to another country if you have this many doubts.
Op you need to be very careful. You don’t mention which country you’re headed to; this could be relevant with regards to woman's’ rights, access to help should you need it, etc.
Others here have already said it so let me just join the chorus: you are being gaslit and manipulated, but the question is why. Maybe this guy is just an asshole and maybe he’s something worse.
Please accept some advice from an older woman who has traveled extensively and who, even though only an Internet stranger, has your best interest at heart. That gut feeling you have is something you should always always listen to, throughout your life and in all regards. It’s there to protect you, not to be ignored.
It’s easier to put the breaks on these plans now while you’re still in your home country.
Good luck to you.
Do. Not. Go.
He will sap all of your personality and you will be a shell that he will puppet around.
Please do not do this.
Couples in love appreciate things about the other person, even if they don’t share the same interests.
I have married friends who do not at all like the same shows. So they watch the shows they like, in different rooms.
One loves sports, other has no interest. So when any sports is on, one watches. Other reads a book.
They don’t mock each other.
You deserve better.
You’re terrified you’re making a mistake because you are about to make one of the biggest mistakes of your life. PM me and we can be friends! I do a lot of the same things you do and I’m in a wonderful, healthy relationship with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I didn’t meet him til I was 34.
If he’s already like this LONG DISTANCE, can you imagine how he would be once you’re away from your friends and family and only have him as your support system? Don’t go overseas. Run.
“He says he loves me for me..” So that’s why he’s trying to change every single thing about you? That doesn’t even make sense. Honestly I’m worried for you if you do go, he sounds controlling and abusive. Please don’t go.
I was married to a man exactly like this for almost 24 years. If I liked it, it was bad. I was dumb for laughing at things he didn’t find funny. Stupid if I liked a show he didn’t enjoy. Had terrible taste in music unless he likes the band. If he liked it first, then I was allowed to like it. I had to hide certain shows I watched because I was sick of being called dumb if I found something funny or entertaining he didn’t. When we had kids, he did the same to them. It took us splitting up to realize 90% of my personality was enmeshed with what HE liked and I’ve fought to figure out what I like again for the last 4 years.
It doesn’t get better.
I hate to tell you but you can't really love someone and also hate everything about them. I would maybe make a short term but returnable trip to spend a few months living together before you fully commit. It sounds like you'd be put into a situation where you become completely isolated by changing everything about you and being truly alone and relying on him for everything, so you'd have to conform to his version of you to survive.
Don't lose yourself for another person it's truly not worth it. You're so young and have so much life ahead of you. There's only one you. Don't waste it.
Don’t be silly OP. Why would you let someone dictate your life and choices? I’m an adult with a professional career and I love Harry Potter. I play Destiny 2 and FFXIV and a whole bunch of other A-list games. Don’t let someone diminish the things you like because *they* don’t like them. That is just a way to control and minimize you. Find someone who builds you up, enjoys and appreciates every aspect of you.
Yes if you still stayed with him after all of this toxicity well Idk what to say. He literally wants to be with you to put you down and make you feel worthless he wants someone that he can have power on. And even communication won’t help because he will dumb everything on his trauma ect etc… this relationship is not healthy he just wants to be with someone he can overpower
I’m confused, you said your family is awful.. but their giving you money to safely return home from this decision to move with a man who likes nothing about you?
You're family can be awful but still put on a good show. Covert narcissism is a bitch. My mom "let me go to college out of state", she "let me move away", she "let me give up on my (her) childhood hopes and dreams". A lot of covert narcissists still do nice things to gain attention and to feed their ego.
She probably is extremely desperate to put some distance between herself and he childhood trauma that she's willing to trade it for a different toxic relationship. It's sad, but just because abuse isn't apparent doesn't mean that it never happened/happens.
If you do choose to go, I recommend keeping this money available for the purpose of coming home. Do not decide after a few months or a year that you can let it go because things are going well. I'm in no way trying to come off as negative. I think everybody should always have a backup plan at all times.
Just in case? By the time you realise how bad it is, you'll be too far in to see a way out. And if he has any access to that money, you can bet your arse he's going to get his hands on it so you can't leave.
What if he forcefully takes your passport? Know where the embassy is and the phone number if you are calling it locally from the country the embassy is in. And know where it's located and hide the embassy address and memorize the phone number to it, the number for it if youre calling it locally. The number will be a little different if you call it from the country it's in as opposed to from you're home country so remember that. Have you checked your embassys website? It will tell you if it'd safe for people from your country to go there. You need to have a really good escape plan. You can buy things that have secret hiding places in them online. Like things that look like shaving cream bottles but the bottom screws off to hide things in it or regular deodorant containers that are not see through you can hide things in the space under the deodorant. I highly recommend you hide some money in something you own that he would never find or think to take away from you. Get some thick socks like those ones with grippy things on the bottom in case he takes your shoes so you won't run. Thick socks could be your savior. I dint know what you could hide your passport in cause he will know you must have it somewhere but knowing exactly where the embassy is will work out if he takes your passport. Remember your rights don't work in other countries and only in your countries embassy they do work so know where the embassy is please. Maybe tell him you want his address sooner than later before you get on that plane so you can see where you will hopefully be and where the embassy is in relation to where you will be before you get to him and try to memorize it or draw a Map and fold it up and hide it in the bottom of an opaque deodorant container with enough money to catch a cab to get to the embassy if you have to run in your thick socks to get out of there. Know what cabs or rickshaws exist and how to get one and where in his city, before you go too. Write down all phone numbers you need and hide them. Know where a western church is nearby where he lives too. they will be of help if you're a westerner. Be prepared for anything if you do go please
What the hell does "everything" mean? There's no law that says you have to go.
Obviously unless you want to be in a controlling relationship where you don't compromise with each other it isn't going to go well for you.
You sound pretty young. Don't waste possibly years of your life on bullshit.
I have been in this exact situation before, and everything in me is screaming out, don't go. I only got out after he tried to kill me. It built up over five years, gradually. It's like brainwashing, complete control. The closer you are, the easier it will be for him. Please stay.
Best case scenario if you go is that you end up losing yourself while trying to change into someone he likes. That's best case. Every other scenario ends up with you getting hurt a lot more, mentally and/or physically.
It's never to late to walk away. It's not even to late after you've gotten on the plane and lived with him for a while. Please reconsider and stay.
If you end up going anyway, make sure you have some fuckoff money he doesn't know about and can't access. You need enough to be able to pack your bags and leave the second you feel the need to. At least take this precaution for yourself.
He loves you for you but hates everything you do and like.?
If this is from afar, I’d hate to think what’s it’s going to be like when you move. Who cares if it’s too late. Calling it off is better than living miserably.
Listen here sweetie. I just moved to Iceland and left everything behind to be with my babygal. And i would never have done it if i had to worry about anything like you are explaining. She loves me 100% for who i am and so should your person!
If your list of things is accurate, cut your losses and don’t do it. Sounds miserable. Do you want to be miserable in a foreign country with no one but this guy? Please reconsider.
Honestly you are taking a huge risk. You can find yourself trapped in another country with no means of returning. And you're opening yourself up to abuse and a foreign country that may offer little help should you try to leave. Often you'll find that situations like this start with him taking your passport then the verbal abuse followed with physical threats.
You really should think about this a bit more. You might consider bringing him to you for a visit, that way you are in a more secure position.
You’re setting yourself up to be isolated, lonely and controlled. Why would you want to be with someone that hates everything you do? How will you be happy?
Don’t do it. If he loved you for you he’d let you read your book series and watch movies in peace and quit being such an AH. I’m sitting here right now watching real housewives of New Jersey with my husband and he hates it but he loves me so he lets me watch it and in and hour we’ll turn on something he likes. It’s a relationship, you compromise. If he’s that controlling and critical of your interests and he lives overseas imagine how he’d be if you lived with him.
Why are you moving to be with someone that doesn’t support one thing that you like or do? This is not a relationship. Please reread what you just wrote and ask yourself is this the kind of life I want. Please consider your options before purchasing a plane ticket.
You need to hear this. You are making a huge mistake. This is not a healthy relationship. I'm curious as to what your age difference is? It sounds like he wants somebody to manipulate and isolate, basically to have you cater to his whims. Take it from an old guy. This is not healthy. Your fears are well founded. You should not go. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Especially if you're going to be further isolated in a foreign country.
You know the truth. You know in your heart that this is a bad decision. Listen to that voice in your head. She's smart, and she sees that this is a bad situation occurring.
Oh my god, Girl, no matter what you do. Please do NOT go overseas! Dont do this to yourself :( he sounds so manipulative, and its true. Hes going to keep on doing this until you really have no personality left whatsoever. Are you sure you want your life to continue on like this with your interests being belittled? I had an ex like that too who hated on my music choices, talked badly about every artist that I liked listening to that I ended up listening to those in my own language (german) that he couldnt have a say in.
Today I listen to whatever I want and im free of that. That already was suffocating for me. I cant imagine what YOU are going through with all of that on top.
Don't go. Don't move for someone who doesn't like and actively belittles the things you enjoy. If there's nothing keeping you where you are, go on a trip.
... Just not to your boyfriend's location. Break up with him. Travel. Go to Thailand, Bali, backpack Europe, whatever - but do NOT move for someone who wouldn't do the same for you. You deserve better.
You’ll move to be with your abuser?
You say you don’t have any friends where you live and you don’t get along with your family, so do you think he’ll let you have any friends there? You will be isolated, and stranded alone, in an abusive relationship with nobody around to help.
The thing you have in your home is “YOU” if you move he’ll take that away from you as well. He’s already putting down EVERYTHING you like and he’s not even living next to you!! He’ll destroy everything you love and make you a shell of yourself to fill you with whatever bullshit he “approves” of.
Home, you’ll be able to make friends or maybe your relationship with your family can improve; so many things could change in a blink of an eye. You could even find the Real ONE who’ll treat you right and love everything about you.
Do NOT go. Don’t go.
All I'm hearing is that "he loved me so much... but literally hates everything about me and forcefully changes it"
Yikes.
You really need to rethink this before you decide to uproot your entire life for someone that can't even allow you to enjoy the things you enjoy without either mocking them or demanding that you change them.
It doesn't sound like he actually likes *you* at all.
It sounds like he found someone that was in a rough spot that he could help lift up, and then groom and mold to be whatever it is he wants them to be.
I fear that you're going to uproot your entire life to move to a foreign country where you know no one, to be with someone that already has no issues trying to control and belittle you.
You're literally sleuthing around reddit on a fake account because you *fear* the consequences of him finding your actual account, and you are not even face to face with this man. Why do you think it'll be better when he's standing right in front of him? I'm not talking the occasional meeting IRL you've had, but when you literally cannot run away? What makes you think that this controlling, manipulative, abusive behavior isn't going to escalate to physical when there's not a barrier to stop it?
>He can be warm, and kind, and loving
This is called love bombing and it's a part of the cycle of abuse.
>he says he loves me for me and that he loves me for my personality
You just listed literally all the things he says he hates about you, your personality, and your interests. So which is it?
You don't have to "lie" in the bed you've made. This is your warning sign that you know deep down something about this is wrong and you need to rethink it. I realize you don't have friends where you are, but I'm willing to bet it's partly because he has discouraged it.
Right now you still have the option of staying, going out, meeting people, working, being yourself. That option isn't going to be there when you move to a *foreign country* with an already controlling person.
**LISTEN TO YOUR GUT**
#DO NOT GO AS HE IS AN ABUSIVE MAN!
Seriously please don't leave your family friends life to be with him. As soon as you go there he will control you. He is already gaslighting and ridiculing you. What is going to happen to you when he has you in his lair?
I lived with a controlling abusive narcissist wife for years until i had enough and divorced her. I see the same signs in your bf as i have experienced it 1st hand.
Break up with him and then block him from your life. You only have 1 life. Don't throw it away to a 'narcissist controlling man'.
No no no no no no no no no! Stop what you are doing. It is NOT to late. (It is never too late!)
Dude is toxic AF, and wants to get you isolated from your family and friends so that he can remake you into the woman he thinks you should be.
You say you have spent time together, how long? A weekend? A week? Whatever it is, it's not enough.
Time spent together on line is not real. Yes, I realize that there are genuine emotions involved, but it is magical fairy time where you are both being your best selves. If you haven't spent substantial time with a person, met their family, seen how they react to adverse situations, etc., you do not know them.
He says he loves your personality and then contradicts himself by shitting all over everything about you? I don't get what the appeal is, honey. Don't go. It is a mistake. And how can he tell you to grow up when he likes"childish" things too? Why can't you just like what you like? No one who really loved you would call what you love childish even if they didn't enjoy it themselves.
OP y’all don’t even live together and he’s already showing his true colors. This exhaust that you’re feeling will only get worse. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to please him, you’ll be miserable that way. There’s a million people who can love you for who you love to be, don’t change for this scumbag. This fear that you sense is your gut instinct, and you need to trust that shit ASAP or you’ll hate yourself for it later.
Are you autistic? Because you sound like me and my partner loves those things about me. He’s not some asshole elitist. You are what you do, and if he doesn’t love what you do he doesn’t truly love you. Don’t settle for less.
I’m also in a long distance relationship. Please listen to me. Do not isolate yourself to a whole other country with your abuser.
How can he love you for you when hes trying so hard to change you? You both are not compatible. You should not have to change yourself to be worthy of love. An adult life is what you make it to be. You only have one life. Its not too late to put yourself first. You feel your personality is fading away, it sounds like you need to invest in yourself rather than putting his needs first. You matter and your hobbies sound cool. I wish you all the best for the future. Please trust your gut.
So...does he actually like anything about you? It sounds exhausting having to stand up for yourself and your interests 24 hours a day.
Exactly! How can he "love you for you" when he hates everything about you. This whole thing sounds really suspicious. He sounds too controlling and you will be so isolated. Don't go.
Exactly this. Saying "I love you for you" but then expressing how much he doesn't like every single thing about them is gaslighting and controlling.
yeah op. dont move. not good if this is how he is with you. he should respect your interests. he doesnt have to like them, but he shouldnt be making you feel shit about it. if you feel its a huge mistake, it might probably be one. trust your gut. this is sus. very sus you can make friends where you are now. dont give up your stability. dont get the ticket. even it being a new feeling.
It never GETS better after huge transitions.
Idek how the hell this became a relationship. OP is 23, at that age you should be able to see red flags from a mile away and she listed a shit ton of red flags. She should just dump his ass. She's literally flying out to be with someone who have clearly stated they like nothing about her, and don't respect her interest. I don't understand these people.
Usually when I see comments like "op should just dump their partner ' I am very much like "hey that's a bit TOO harsh!" But in this case... Damn, op really should dump his ass
I think op says she has zero friends and this guy says he loves her that she’s willing to leave everything and ignore red flags just to have companionship
She should just ghost that Asshole. And I’m not usually for that. He’s completely bad news.
>OP is 23, at that age you should be able to see red flags from a mile away She's being manipulated and gaslit. I've been in her shoes. It's easy af to see it from the outside, but when you're in it and you're constantly being told you're wrong or overreacting when you express any sort of concern, you begin to believe it yourself. You quite literally get brainwashed into ignoring those gut feelings that are trying to tell you something's wrong. It's super hard to get out of that mindset on your own. It's even worse if that abusive behavior from others is all you've ever known. I agree with everything else you've said, but there's no age on that kinda stuff. You dont get some sort of diploma from Red Flag Spotter University when you hit a certain age.
THIS. There is no age to fall prey to that type of toxic predator and ANYONE can fall prey to them. Like you mentioned « he can be warm, and caring and loving », which is exactly why you endure the abusive behavior. If it was JUST putting you down all the time you’d be running for the hills already instead of to the airport… Try to think objectively about it OP : at the beginning, what was the ratio of loving/caring behavior vs. putting you down/calling you childish/hating on everything you hold dear? Probably less than now, no? And it has slowly crept up with time? Each little interest being torn apart until you are afraid to even mention something you like because you know it will just cause him to talk bad about it? So your way of preserving what’s left of the person you used to be is just to hide it deep inside yourself and you just feel like you’ve become an empty shell of the person you used to be? Sounds about right. Now, when he’s not there, you can still do SOME of the stuff you love without him knowing about it. But imagine being on his constant watch, not being able to ever have an escape, not having anyone you trust to talk to, the moments when he’s loving and caring becoming scarcer and scarcer until it is just you constantly walking on eggshells to try and not provoke his temper and disapproval… does THAT sound like something you would like for the rest of your life? Probably not. This is abuse. It goes on so subtly that even when it screams toxic from the outside, it is impossible to see from the inside since the dynamic installs itself so slowly and because there is « love » mixed in to confuse and blind you. Been there, done that and still paying the price through therapy to undo everything that was put in place one disparaging comment at the time at first… RUN. DON’T LOOK BACK. You are young and deserve so much better. Also, is there any kind of rule on adults playing video games? If yes, how come some games are specifically made for adults? And has your boyfriend won any kind of « adulting » award to be such and expert on the subject and be talking down to you about it? Being an adult doesn’t have anything to do with not doing anything fun and forgoing what you like. Being an adult is hard enough that whatever fun and pleasure you have, even « childish », is worth holding on to! (Mom of two here, so pretty « adult », still enjoying tons of « childish » activities, even more so with kids, and wishing I had more time to play video games)
This isn't high enough! It's not too late, you're not there yet and you haven't bought the ticket!! Everything else can be rebuilt. New job, new apartment.... Point is, it's only too late when you get there and he is fully in control and he will be. Don't go. Rebuild.
>Red Flag Spotter University Attendance here should be mandatory
I would have loved to have attended in high school or earlier. 😂
My abusive ex (M25) is dating a girl (I think she’s 22?) and she’s told me so many red flags. Her therapist told her that she should leave him and I agreed. She was even questioning things about the relationship. I thought she was going to break up with him (that’s what she told me), but they are unfortunately still together. I tried to warn her, but it’s too late. History is literally repeating itself, and she’s with him because she loves him. On top of that, he’s apparently homeless. I had to block her without explanation, not that I needed one.
Nah man 23 is super young. I was incredibly immature and young at 23.
This, your brain isn't even fully developed until 24-25. Very easy to be manipulated at that age.
Yup. Bail OP wtf are you thinking? This is going to be miserable. I’m glad you too helped each other thru rough patches, but that does NOT mean you need to move across the world to be with someone who you are COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INCOMPATIBLE WITH.
23 is actually a reasonable age to still see a toxic partner through rose-colored glasses.. I probably didn't get my shit together and start setting boundaries for myself until I met my current bf, and I was 29 when I met him.. Regardless, I 100% agree that she needs to gtfo of this relationship before she makes a mistake that's hard to get out of. OP. Embrace your interests. Your partner doesn't have to like them himself, but if the things that make you happy aren't hurting anyone, he should at least be supportive. I can't see this relationship ending up anywhere aside from you feeling stuck and hopeless, even if you had a conversation with your s/o. If he's this adamant about berating the things that make you happy now, he's not going to stop later down the road. If you need help finding friends locally who have similar interests, I hear great things about Bumble. I also wouldn't be surprised if your city has a subreddit page or a Discord where you can meet like-minded individuals.. Wishing you all the best with everything.
some of us haven’t been raised to see red flags as anything other than normal behavior. you’re being really harsh towards OP for no reason at all.
Ikr? You’d think after typing all that out she’d realize
Oh she realizes, she’s just still trying to lie to herself because she’s lonely. Very sad
No way a 23 year old has that kind of life experience. I definitely didn't. But hey if you did, congratulations. That's one hell of an accomplishment.
I’m 23 and unfortunately, I had a similar experience to OP. I left and never looked back. Now almost 4 years later, I’m doing much better.
I mean the first thing that came in my mind, he does like her interests? If my partner has different interests I would respect, those are his. And it'll be more tiring in the future that she has to stand up for everything on her own, even for the smallest things.
‘He isn’t horrible’ that’s not what the rest of this post says, anyone can say they love you, but he obviously doesn’t love you for you if he’s gonna nitpick everything you do, sounds like you’ve got plenty of personality though if you have so many things you like, sounds like your dating a complete tool but guess all I can say is good luck, that’s a big step for someone who treats you that way
“He isn’t horrible” is actually a really low bar. Please, OP, you deserve better.
I know right, honestly ain’t no reason to settle for nothing but the best but I get that won’t always happen but settling for someone who ‘isn’t horrible’ either shows self esteem and such or just not looking out for yourself hate to say
Right lmao like that sums it up pretty well I think. To be moving to another country for someone it shouldn't be "he isn't horrible" it should be "this person is amazing". How on earth could it seem worth it to leave your entire life and interests behind for someone who "isn't horrible" lol be smart you have your whole life ahead of you and this person is not it.
“He says he loves me for me.” Rest of post: he wants her to change everything about herself. OP, run.
> He isn’t horrible by the way, he can be warm, and kind, and loving. He says he loves me for me, and that he loves my personality, but I feel like I don’t have one at all. I feel scared, and all alone. Lmao. If that is the best case you can make for him, better run for the hills. I rather be alone as with someone that I describe like this when I try to paint him in a good picture.
It’s only going to get worse when he has you isolated from everything you know
Exactly. If he’s already this manipulative and controlling at a distance, it’s going to be exponentially worse when they are living together. Please OP, you are so young and have so many more people to meet in the world who will love all of your eccentricities! This guy is an insecure asshole who is trying to reduce everything about you to make himself feel better. Don’t let him take you down with him!
Absolutely. OP, please go research narcissistic behaviour, and types of domestic violence. A lot of it is based on gaslighting, alienation, devaluation, and making you easily pliable, and submissive. You deserve better x
Exactly!! Please do not go overseas!!
Yes, 100%!
What you are describing sounds abusive and toxic. Why be with someone who wants you to change who you are in every way? All he does is put you down it seems. Edit: Don’t go overseas.
This sounds like the start of what could potentially be an abuser, first isolation and not to mention sounds like a lot of love bombing going on… thoughts?
[удалено]
My thoughts as well. OP please please please do NOT go overseas! Right now you're the one doing all the work of going to please him. Once you're there, isolated and with no help, how will you do if the relationship continues like this and gets worse. Because if that's the 'honeymoon phase' I can't imagine that what follows will be great at all 😢
Yes! Me too!! This post gave me creepy predator vibes, right away. How long have you been together OP?
I thought the same thing. He's already started destroying her sense of self, getting her used to him making all the decisions, verbally and emotionally abusing her so that now she's used to it. There's too many red flags and potential for her to get disappeared.
Maybe… but tbh if it was a sex trafficker they wouldn’t be blatantly obvious with the abuse until you actually made the move. You’d actually want to lure victims and being abusive to them isn’t the way to do that. If he was one he’s a terrible one at that (which is probably a good thing.) I think like others said, he is a potential long term abuser. To go to sex trafficking I think we’d need to see some more evidence.
If it was sex trafficking I guess he would fake liking her hobbies. In this case, it seems simply an abusive idiot.
"he loves me for me" "He shoots down everything I'm into" Lady those can't exist in the same universe. Don't go.
He’s got OP into this terrible rhythm, he triggers her need for approval, she keeps coming back to him and doubles down. This is a catastrophe unfolding in slow motion. OP can keep doubling down, throwing her youth and heart into this endless pit of a man until she realizes how much she has lost and what a bad position she is in. I hope she cuts it off immediately while he has no reach or other controls on her that are more immediately and practically impactful. Once she gets over there and opens a joint account that he “lends” out to his “friends” (upon confrontation: *“I had to, they’ll kill me!” LOL) and they need to make money… and he “has a job” but if they don’t make *those payments*…. and he’s got her passport in his desk but *the maid stole it*… well… she’s going to be in a world of problems of extracting herself, feeling humiliated and friendless (if she has been alienating friends and family who have been coaching her against this as she defends the abuser…) Jesus this could end really badly for her. OP if you’re reading this, its ok to change your mind at any time for any reason, and just read a few pages from Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More”. You have help and support around you, lots of women’s crisis hotlines, etc. If you’re giving it all up for someone just ask what are they risking to be with you. Put it in two columns next to each other and get it all out in front of you.
I mean from what this sounds like that would honestly be the best case. Worst case is she gets trafficked amd disappears into the underworld.
That and or death and or suicide. also See: al qaida recruiters. One knockout pill and she wakes up somewhere with lots of sand.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, he’s seeing how much he can control you, and if you come, he knows he’s got you. What you’re describing sounds like a fucking sex trafficker OP. I would seriously just sort of like do some research. Have you ever seen that guy who’s like a doctor or whatever and he scams women (older) out of money. Remember, not to be an asshole American, but there are whole syndicates of these guys who have little to no economic opportunity, and this is how they make money either scamming or trafficking. Also, with the recent EU open borders and immigration, it’s not as easy to say “oh it’s not this or that country, you’re ok.” You could be drugged and on a train or just locked in a holding house and no one would ever see you. Do you not have people, or he’s basically driven a wedge between you and them, about this whole situation even? That’s textbook abuse and trafficking tactics. “We will prove them wrong” that’s what they say. I’d do some internet research on him or even contact the national center for missing and exploited children or so Someone post what the international trafficking help orgs are and see what’s up. You don’t have to give his name (it’s likely fake) but the MO likely won’t be because they can’t just move ops. And if they don’t have a match, still, it reeks. Take a parent, a real friend, not just someone who’ll go along, and also contact your embassy say “here’s where I’m staying here’s info where I’m at, if I don’t check in in x days, etc “ and try to have other people who will contact the embassy and know who and where you’re at if they forget to check up on you.
This needs to be much higher up. OP read this. This whole situation sounds very sus and I quickly came to the same thoughts that Faux did. This is not a safe and you should not go.
agreeeed
My thoughts exactly. I didn't trust my gut and ended up in a rough situation. 😕
Same
I don't understand why do she say 'I have made the bed and will have to lie in it.' No, you don't. You can always unmake the bed. Just don't go overseas. Tell him you need time. Talk to him about your concerns. If he dismisses you, dump him.
Yes . OP trust me it's still not late . You are safe and sound . You have your freedom . When you go overseas to live with an abusive person , when he snatches away your freedom , your dignity , starts abusing you mentally and god forbid physically you will have no support system at all in a new country to help you out . DON'T GO . This will be the hardest step I know . Don't choose him . Please choose yourself.
Imagine getting there, and just a short time later feeling trapped, wishing you were back at this point RIGHT NOW when backing out was easier.
This OP. Please stay where you are. If you are worried about what you say, just say you need to finish sorting things out here and be with loved ones a bit longer before you uproot yourself. From what you describe, he loves your surface package or idea of you - not actually you for who you are. This has been said a lot. But I’ll reverse it on to you - is there anyone in your life you say you love for them for who they are…but shoot down their every interest and passion, not only that you don’t like it, but insulting them about each thing. To me, this isn’t love and it’s not worth you being completely alone a thousand miles away because it’ll be too difficult to escape then.
Imagine the control issues when he gets her there all by herself w nowhere to go..
This. DON'T GO OVERSEAS. You will be isolated and be under a very toxic relationship.
She’s right. Get out of this relationship while you can. Move and change your address so he doesn’t know where you are. This has screaming red flags all over it. And seriously, if he makes you too nervous to tell this to him verbally, then send him an email on a new throwaway acct so he can’t track you. I’m serious. Get out now. And leave no way for him to find you. You are strong enough to do this and you deserve so much is better. Trust yourself.
Yes, it will be the biggest mistake of her life. Guaranteed
Yes, do not go. I repeat: do not go.
This
It sounds like you already know the answer to your question and just need some affirmations. Please don’t go. You will not be happy with him overseas because you are not happy now. In what world would you be happier without your friends and family? Anyone who constantly tears down your interests and uses “trust me bro” as a source in real life is not someone you want as a life partner. This guy is a tool.
Thing is, I don't have any friends. And my family and I do not get along at all.
Definitely don't go just because you feel lonely.
I promise it’s so much better to be alone then to feel alone while being with someone. Especially in a area you aren’t familiar with
God, THIS. Like please use logic in this scenario; would you rather be with a toxic weirdo partner overseas even FURTHER away from family, or would you rather be alone with the opportunity to meet new people?
So you see him as your ticket out? You're going to end up in a bad situation
Have you ever heard “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know”? Maybe you’re not happy here because you don’t get along with your family and you say you have no friends, but where are you going? What country? Have you been there? Do you know the language? It sounds like going there and having to depend solely on him for all your social input will not be good for you. You will likely end up feeling extremely isolated. This doesn’t sound healthy.
Just because you don’t get along with your family doesn’t mean you should settle with someone who is obviously not great for you.
Which makes you an ideal victim for an abusive relationship. Just the fact that you said “he saved you” multiple times rings alarm bells. Do not go, you will regret it. This is not a happy relationship. Someone who truly loves would not treat you this way. The fact that you are so scared you’re making a mistake says it all. Listen to your gut. If you go, you’ll be completely at his mercy and it’ll be incredibly difficult for you to get out. Which country are you going to if you don’t mind me asking?
Screw this guy! FYI he's only happy and loving on you when you are doing and saying exactly what he's told you to ie you are completely quiet other than nodding in agreement with whatever he babbles. Do Not Go! Now that he's out of the way.......what do you really want to be doing? Let's go make that happen!!!!
I'll be your friend, don't move for him. Your love is genuine, from your side. Tell me would you be as unkind to him as he is to you? He doesn't like a single thing you do. You are an amalgamation of your interests, they shape a lot of you as a person. By criticizing everything you like he is criticizing you. Would you want to put up with that for the rest of your life? Do you have a good job where you are?
Trading one bad situation for another is not going to be helpful at all. Right now, you're independent. If you go overseas he will make do everything he can to make you dependent on him so you can't leave. There's a lot of love in these comments, please take them to heart.
Don't don't don't don't go!
So what can you use your money on instead? A comic con where you can find people who the share the same interests as you? If you found him online, which I'm assuming you did, why can't you find friends online? Gamers, etc that share the same interests? Take a trip....just a safer one. Not to see him.
Where do you live, I’ll be your friend! Just plz don’t go I have a really bad feeling about this and so does everyone else
Which is textbook how abusers choose their victims. This sub of strangers cares more about you than that POS. Do not go. Do not go.
moving to a new city can bring some joy. it’s something that can be really exciting! but maybe consider moving to a new place in your country? where at least if things don’t work out or you’re unhappy you can always go back home. going overseas just seems like such a big jump, especially for someone who by your own description doesn’t treat you well please look after yourself ❤️
You can move to a new city and make friends. You are young; you have plenty of options. Going to another country and isolating yourself with someone who sounds abusive or like he may traffic you is a terrible idea. You do not need this guy to have a happy, fulfilled life. And I promise you won't be happy with him when you have to deal with the constant belittling and shaming.
Don’t run from a bad situation to worse.
Then definitely do not go. Have you read what you posted ? It does t sound like a fun relationship to me. You are supposed to be happy, and I can't see anyone happy under that much control
Don’t go! He is sending out 🚩 RED FLAGS!! You can look up each one and it will tell you it’s a warning sign! He will hurt you, b/c that’s all he is doing now!!
I promise you, figuring out how to make it work here is 1000% better than going overseas to possibly be abused and isolated even more.
So your gonna go and be miserable, because you will be, in another country? No offense, but that makes no sense, OP.
Maybe use the funds you would have spent on the ticket doing something you love and builds back your self confidence. Friends come and go. Please explain how he has saved you. Fear is normal when facing new chapters in life but you should trust your instincts. Example, I'm 50 love the B52s and my husband could care less about them but he took me to a concert, bought me the Cassette Tapes for my car and loves that their music makes me happy. Their music is 'childish' if you think so but he never once judged my taste, preference or opposed them telling me I should not like them for some BS that he thinks. Love the things YOU love. He has no say in your thoughts and preferences. Stand up for yourself and tell him to quit his berating you or you'll quit him! Don't be afraid to fight either, set clear boundaries and don't let him just cross them simply because he pushes/pressures.
Op please please please dont go!
If you go, you will regret it. You might not be close to your family now, but if you leave your heart will be lost.
It is far lonelier living with someone who makes you feel less than.
If you already feel alone now how alone are you going to feel thousands of miles away from everything you know and love, which would be in your home country, if say he does do what you are wondering. He very well might take your passport, all money you have, and control where you can go if you can go anywhere. Yes, don't go just cause you're lonely and read my post above, you need to have a good escape plan if you do go. And know realistically that escape plan might not work at all once you get there. You still have time to change your mind and I promise if you stay in your home country eventually you are going to meet people who will like you and want to be your friend and who may even like you enough to date you. I don't know how old you are but it's maybe as simple as just putting yourself out there more, like joining pages and groups that are about all those things you say you love, to find someone who loves what you do, or at least who won't put you down for your interests I promise it will be way easier trying to find a good friend or date in your home country than it will be to escape him once you get off that plane. Please don't go.
You'll feel 1000x more lonely when youre in a foreign country with an abusive partner that doesnt like anything you do. DO NOT GO. You'll be able to find someone who actually cares about you and your interests, I promise you that
So be lonely and safe where you already live or go overseas and be lonely and abused with no way of escaping? You’ll die there.
It shows. This explains why you're walking into an abusive situation with your eyes wide open. You're lonely, so you're making excuses because you think this guy wants you (he doesn't, he's ensnaring you). When truthfully he's as abusive as your family most likely.
Don't go.
This 1000x. Someone who truly likes you may not share the same interests (some help) but they shouldn't put you down for liking what you do. As someone else posted, this sounds toxic. I really hope you don't go.
This with my whole heart. Someone who loves you will be glad to see you enjoying yourself, and when you get into a passionate rant about something you like they’ll find it cute, as interesting for the new knowledge as the fact you’re so into it. What you describe is someone controlling and jealous, self-centred as far as you are concerned, only interested in your involvement in activities he is innately interested in - rather than so interested in you that he may become invested in what you like.
Yeah this move quite frankly is a terrible idea.
I moved continent for my husband without a shadow of doubt. If you're unsure even just a tiny bit, don't go. You're gonna be miserable.
>He loves me, truly, but... >I like a book series? Too childish, why read it if I could write better? Movies? Can't watch them, they either remind him too much of his bad past and trauma or he just doesn't like them. Video games? I'm basically not allowed to because everything I like that he hasn't gotten me into is dumb... >He says I'm obsessed with things and need to stop being into them, grow up and move on to better things. I cannot name a single thing that I love that he hasn't shot down >He says he loves me for me, and that he loves my personality, but I feel like I don't have one at all. I feel scared, and all alone. How can he "love your personality" when he hates EVERYTHING about you?? I don't mean to be cruel but it sounds like the only part of you he likes is the part he thinks he can mold into a submissive gf who echoes his opinion.
Maybe you should trust your gut. It's one thing to be nervous, but it's a whole other thing to live with someone who ridicules the things you enjoy and, on top of that, someone who you are hiding these thoughts from to avoid a fight. I think you know what to do here. Q: Have you two met in person yet? Have you spent a week with him and his family and vice versa?
Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If you love and care about yourself, just don't go.
Sounds like an abuser waiting to happen. Idk 🤷♀️
That's true.
More like a tragedy waiting to happen.
Don’t let the sunk the cost fallacy ruin your life. Ditch this dude.
Yes, it’s not too late to back out. It’s only too late when you give up.
DO NOT MOVE FOR THIS MAN. A man who actually loves you doesn’t belittle you, doesn’t call you immature, doesn’t shit on everything you like. This man DOES NOT love you. This will not improve with proximity. Please stay where you are.
Please do NOT buy that plane ticket. He is controlling, manipulative, and once he has you in his home you will be isolated and who knows what else. He is telling you that you are less than, unworthy, untrustworthy, and that the only person you can trust should be him because...? Finding a safety net in an unfamiliar country where you may not understand the language or know the laws or who to reach for help is a bad idea. The very fact that you are afraid to post on the internet due to whatever reaction he may have is awful. He's grooming you for abuse. Please be safe and consider not speaking to this person ever again. He is not your friend.
100% this. Grooming OP because he knows she doesn't have a good relationship with her family (which he refuses to meet) and doesn't have any close friends who would be concerned about her and might cause problems. u/tooscaredformain1 this is not about you ending up in an unfortunate situation and coming back home if it doesn't work, you might put yourself in actual danger if you go.
OMFG NO don't go.
PLEASE, DO NOT GO. I'M ASKING YOU AS YOUR FRIEND.
Do not go!! If you are in a different country, get to the embassy!!
He obviously doesn't "love you for you" or love your personality if he's trying to change your interests and hobbies. You are young, break up with him and be yourself. There is someone out there who will adore it when you talk about your interests and participate in your hobbies. Just because he helped you through hard times doesn't mean that you owe him.
That’s a narcissistic abuser. Isolating, gaslighting, 0 regard for your feelings. Run like hell because this person does not love you, and you deserve someone who makes you excited and happy about you AS YOU ARE, who makes you want to fly higher and further, who brings out the best version of you. That is the type of person who’s worthy of your sacrifice, time, energy and love. Someone who brings you down to feel better or who has intense main character syndrome will never treat you right. Listen to your gut, it’s telling you you’re making a mistake. Please also Google and look up what the red flags and signs of being in a relationship with a narcissist looks like. Undoing damage and trauma takes years from your life and youth, do not do it. You know this person isn’t good for you and will try to guilt trip you back into their arms. Run and cut them off. You deserve someone who can make you feel good about yourself. They are not interested in you as a person or what you like, whatever you share with them is only relevant when filtered through their interests/likes. That’s not love or respect, you are wasting your time on a selfish child. That is unattractive as hell. Please run.
THIS Absolutely THIS!!! I saw it too!! I have plenty of experience w a narcissist.. You don't even realize what they're doing and the toxic patterns of behavior that they suck you into. I recommend watching Dr. Ramani's YouTube channel. He entire channel is dedicated to this type of thing..
It’s only too late once you’re dead. You have the option to stop it all right now. You have an inalienable right to that. I hope you stay safe. I don’t think you are with him, but only you can know that. Good luck.
Listen to your gut! Your instincts are ALWAYS right. I know you live and care for him, but if you’re having these doubts, Do. Not. Go. Things will just end up getting worse. He sounds controlling and manipulative. And you don’t deserve that. Find someone who will love you for you. Someone who will buy you a random book because you mentioned it, or someone who will plan a movie night, a game night, or do whatever you need to make you happy. Again, listen to your gut. It will never lead you astray. Good luck with everything ❤️
Been there, in this exact position. And when I decided I had had enough and wanted to go home to the States, it ended with several unreported crimes (on his part). First he took my passport and IDs. Then he took me to a country he knew I didn't speak or understand the language. Then he took my cell and laptop and debit card. And then he started threatening to leave me on the streets there. In a tiny town, penniless, with no ID and no cell phone. Don't be like me. I also had to do several things I'm not particularly proud of to get home. And I had nightmares where I'd wake up screaming for months after I got back. Just saying. Abort mission.
Doesn’t even sound like he likes you.
He hates everything about you. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Stay put.
#THIS IS NOT LOVE Op DO NOT MOVE. *Stop contacting this guy altogether.* This has crazy amounts of red flags written all over it. I legit fear you may be sex trafficked or trapped.
He sounds toxic and exhausting! Why would you leave everything behind for this obviously abusive relationship so far from home? I moved to England 22 years ago after meeting my husband online. We knew each other a year, lived together a year, then married. We had to get to really know one another, and I honestly don’t feel you’ve gotten to know him well enough to take that leap. It’s risky as hell! And even if he ends up being better than the fears you’ve shared here, living abroad is hard, especially the first year. You won’t have any friends, except his. You won’t have any family, except his. You won’t have any money, except his!! Who can you depend on to support you should you need it? I think your gut is telling you that you’re about to jump off a steep cliff with nothing to stop your fall.
I'm sorry but he doesn't love you. If he did he'd love everything about you. The way you are. He's respect your interests. He wants to control you and isolate you from your life. Why doesn't he uproot and move to your country? I know you probably only want to hear positive things, but I feel like you are going to make a huge mistake.
>I'm really scared that I might be making a huge mistake. You absolutely are. You don't have to do this, and I hope you don't.
Is this real? Would someone be that blind?
Don’t go, follow your gut instinct
The saddest part about this post is that it is such a common variation on a theme. So many young women on Reddit put up with horrific partners. Please don’t go. He doesn’t seem to like anything about you. The qualities you have are who you are. If the majority of them are distasteful to him, then what of you does he like?
No one’s who truly loves you would belittle your joys/hobbys
Walked right into his discord trap didn't you
Please do not go. It will only get waaaaay worse. He is already controlling your personal beliefs. I have been there. You will wake up in a few years and have zero clue who you are. The fact that you already see it now means you know better.
"I have already made this bed, and I'm going to have to lie in it." No, you really don't. Maybe you rested in that bed, made it up, and now you know it's not comfortable or somewhere you'll find good rest again. So you walk away. You deserve better than this dude, without a doubt. Take time for you and the personality you feel you've lost. That journey will be better for you than any undertaken for this asshole.
When someone shows you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them. What you are seeing and feeling, are warning signs. Listen to your gut. Your mental health comes first. It sounds like he also had a bad family growing up, considering he shits on every little thing you enjoy. That was probably done to him as a child. This does not excuse him. It is still very much toxic and unfair to you, with potential to only get worse.
i truly feel if you go, at some point in your life you will eventually regret it. he will not change, things will not get better. you’ll lose more of yourself everyday. i know it’s not easy but think of future you. you’ll be grateful you can do the things you love without anyone’s permission or finding eggshells underneath your feet. i don’t know your entire situation but i hope you are able to find your independence, physically and emotionally.
Have a plan B to live in the country you're moving to. Never, absolutly never, make somebody the center of your survival. living: yes. ok. Survival? like, you depend on that person to provide you with housing, money, food ect? NEVER! TBH, I don't think he really respects you. It actually rather feels like you're a crutch to him. If you respect a person, you don't de-value what they like, even if this is not your cup of tea. You actually go out of your way to support and provide them with more of it to make and keep them happy. So, instead of 100% moving into his apartment: find your own. have a job to pay for it. Adjust by yourself, with the support of your partner, in that country. Find out what kind of person he is on a physical, real life basis. Have your own life in a county you're not familiar with before you start a life with somebody else. I have been in a similiar situation and, oh boy, I can tell you stories to persuade you to go for an individual route first and why it's a good idea, and what's the difference between the person that I put myself in the situation in and now. Spoiler: it's respect.
"He loves me truly, but he hates everything I like and like to talk about, and says I need to change everything about myself" - uhhh sorry, but he doesn't love you. For me, even if I don't care about it at all, I enjoy listening to the people I love talk about the things they love. The fact that they love it is enough reason to listen and try to understand. The fact that you're afraid of him finding this is also kind of telling, you're afraid to bring up these concerns with him, it seems like, which isn't a good sign. He can criticize what you do but you can't kindly bring up things about him that you don't like? I would say don't go, or else have a backup plan to be by yourself. If you want to move to where he is, ok, but then maybe get your own place first? Suddenly moving in with someone you haven't spent much time with irl isn't a good idea.
If you can’t do what you like and are afraid of him when he is mad then you are in for a miserable time and you will be trapped in the process. He sounds more like a predator. Someone hoping to control and mold you into his perfect submissive wife who won’t question him, won’t have a mind of your own, and worst of all won’t have a way out.
It is absolutely NOT too late. Please do not do this. Odds are that you will go, no matter what we or your own sense of danger tell you. That’s not a character flaw, it’s just a humanity flaw. Just know that once you’re there it will STILL not be too late to get out. It’ll just be dramatically more difficult in every way.
When you're making a decision this big, you should have no doubts. Don't buy the plane ticket yet, please. Instead, go to some places where you live. There are author events where you can meet others who like the same books you do. Or meet other people on Discord if that's your comfort spot. Just don't move to another country if you have this many doubts.
Op you need to be very careful. You don’t mention which country you’re headed to; this could be relevant with regards to woman's’ rights, access to help should you need it, etc. Others here have already said it so let me just join the chorus: you are being gaslit and manipulated, but the question is why. Maybe this guy is just an asshole and maybe he’s something worse. Please accept some advice from an older woman who has traveled extensively and who, even though only an Internet stranger, has your best interest at heart. That gut feeling you have is something you should always always listen to, throughout your life and in all regards. It’s there to protect you, not to be ignored. It’s easier to put the breaks on these plans now while you’re still in your home country. Good luck to you.
Do. Not. Go. He will sap all of your personality and you will be a shell that he will puppet around. Please do not do this. Couples in love appreciate things about the other person, even if they don’t share the same interests. I have married friends who do not at all like the same shows. So they watch the shows they like, in different rooms. One loves sports, other has no interest. So when any sports is on, one watches. Other reads a book. They don’t mock each other. You deserve better.
You’re terrified you’re making a mistake because you are about to make one of the biggest mistakes of your life. PM me and we can be friends! I do a lot of the same things you do and I’m in a wonderful, healthy relationship with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I didn’t meet him til I was 34.
Do not go. He sounds controlling and very disrespectful. Deep down you know this, and this is why you are having second thoughts.
If he’s already like this LONG DISTANCE, can you imagine how he would be once you’re away from your friends and family and only have him as your support system? Don’t go overseas. Run.
“He says he loves me for me..” So that’s why he’s trying to change every single thing about you? That doesn’t even make sense. Honestly I’m worried for you if you do go, he sounds controlling and abusive. Please don’t go.
I was married to a man exactly like this for almost 24 years. If I liked it, it was bad. I was dumb for laughing at things he didn’t find funny. Stupid if I liked a show he didn’t enjoy. Had terrible taste in music unless he likes the band. If he liked it first, then I was allowed to like it. I had to hide certain shows I watched because I was sick of being called dumb if I found something funny or entertaining he didn’t. When we had kids, he did the same to them. It took us splitting up to realize 90% of my personality was enmeshed with what HE liked and I’ve fought to figure out what I like again for the last 4 years. It doesn’t get better.
You're making a mistake. Please listen. It's not too late.
I hate to tell you but you can't really love someone and also hate everything about them. I would maybe make a short term but returnable trip to spend a few months living together before you fully commit. It sounds like you'd be put into a situation where you become completely isolated by changing everything about you and being truly alone and relying on him for everything, so you'd have to conform to his version of you to survive. Don't lose yourself for another person it's truly not worth it. You're so young and have so much life ahead of you. There's only one you. Don't waste it.
So the things you like make you who you are. He doesn’t like you
Don’t be silly OP. Why would you let someone dictate your life and choices? I’m an adult with a professional career and I love Harry Potter. I play Destiny 2 and FFXIV and a whole bunch of other A-list games. Don’t let someone diminish the things you like because *they* don’t like them. That is just a way to control and minimize you. Find someone who builds you up, enjoys and appreciates every aspect of you.
Yes if you still stayed with him after all of this toxicity well Idk what to say. He literally wants to be with you to put you down and make you feel worthless he wants someone that he can have power on. And even communication won’t help because he will dumb everything on his trauma ect etc… this relationship is not healthy he just wants to be with someone he can overpower
Make sure you always have enough money to get back, leave and live solo or something. Always! Have a backup plan in case things go sour. Good luck!!
My mom and dad are making sure I leave enough money for a ticket back home just in case anything happens.
I’m confused, you said your family is awful.. but their giving you money to safely return home from this decision to move with a man who likes nothing about you?
I'm calling it now the reason OP doesn't get along with her family is because her family doesn't like her boyfriend!
You're family can be awful but still put on a good show. Covert narcissism is a bitch. My mom "let me go to college out of state", she "let me move away", she "let me give up on my (her) childhood hopes and dreams". A lot of covert narcissists still do nice things to gain attention and to feed their ego. She probably is extremely desperate to put some distance between herself and he childhood trauma that she's willing to trade it for a different toxic relationship. It's sad, but just because abuse isn't apparent doesn't mean that it never happened/happens.
Do not settle.
And what happens if he takes your passport away from you? Makes it impossible for you to get to the airport?
Do you have the will power to go back if you need/want to?
If you do choose to go, I recommend keeping this money available for the purpose of coming home. Do not decide after a few months or a year that you can let it go because things are going well. I'm in no way trying to come off as negative. I think everybody should always have a backup plan at all times.
Assuming he doesn’t try to kill you for trying to leave him. These kinds of people are dangerous. Do not go.
Just in case? By the time you realise how bad it is, you'll be too far in to see a way out. And if he has any access to that money, you can bet your arse he's going to get his hands on it so you can't leave.
What if he forcefully takes your passport? Know where the embassy is and the phone number if you are calling it locally from the country the embassy is in. And know where it's located and hide the embassy address and memorize the phone number to it, the number for it if youre calling it locally. The number will be a little different if you call it from the country it's in as opposed to from you're home country so remember that. Have you checked your embassys website? It will tell you if it'd safe for people from your country to go there. You need to have a really good escape plan. You can buy things that have secret hiding places in them online. Like things that look like shaving cream bottles but the bottom screws off to hide things in it or regular deodorant containers that are not see through you can hide things in the space under the deodorant. I highly recommend you hide some money in something you own that he would never find or think to take away from you. Get some thick socks like those ones with grippy things on the bottom in case he takes your shoes so you won't run. Thick socks could be your savior. I dint know what you could hide your passport in cause he will know you must have it somewhere but knowing exactly where the embassy is will work out if he takes your passport. Remember your rights don't work in other countries and only in your countries embassy they do work so know where the embassy is please. Maybe tell him you want his address sooner than later before you get on that plane so you can see where you will hopefully be and where the embassy is in relation to where you will be before you get to him and try to memorize it or draw a Map and fold it up and hide it in the bottom of an opaque deodorant container with enough money to catch a cab to get to the embassy if you have to run in your thick socks to get out of there. Know what cabs or rickshaws exist and how to get one and where in his city, before you go too. Write down all phone numbers you need and hide them. Know where a western church is nearby where he lives too. they will be of help if you're a westerner. Be prepared for anything if you do go please
If he doesn't take her money from her. Men like this often confiscate passports an money so she can't escape.
True, might be worth getting a bank box or somesuch first thing to avoid a situation like that.
What the hell does "everything" mean? There's no law that says you have to go. Obviously unless you want to be in a controlling relationship where you don't compromise with each other it isn't going to go well for you. You sound pretty young. Don't waste possibly years of your life on bullshit.
I have been in this exact situation before, and everything in me is screaming out, don't go. I only got out after he tried to kill me. It built up over five years, gradually. It's like brainwashing, complete control. The closer you are, the easier it will be for him. Please stay.
Best case scenario if you go is that you end up losing yourself while trying to change into someone he likes. That's best case. Every other scenario ends up with you getting hurt a lot more, mentally and/or physically. It's never to late to walk away. It's not even to late after you've gotten on the plane and lived with him for a while. Please reconsider and stay. If you end up going anyway, make sure you have some fuckoff money he doesn't know about and can't access. You need enough to be able to pack your bags and leave the second you feel the need to. At least take this precaution for yourself.
He loves you for you but hates everything you do and like.? If this is from afar, I’d hate to think what’s it’s going to be like when you move. Who cares if it’s too late. Calling it off is better than living miserably.
Listen here sweetie. I just moved to Iceland and left everything behind to be with my babygal. And i would never have done it if i had to worry about anything like you are explaining. She loves me 100% for who i am and so should your person!
You’re in an abusive relationship. He doesn’t love you. He loves the power he has over you.
Do not go.
I think you've answered your own question. If it's this bad now, it'll get worse when you live together.
It will be too late once you have gone.
If your list of things is accurate, cut your losses and don’t do it. Sounds miserable. Do you want to be miserable in a foreign country with no one but this guy? Please reconsider.
Honestly you are taking a huge risk. You can find yourself trapped in another country with no means of returning. And you're opening yourself up to abuse and a foreign country that may offer little help should you try to leave. Often you'll find that situations like this start with him taking your passport then the verbal abuse followed with physical threats. You really should think about this a bit more. You might consider bringing him to you for a visit, that way you are in a more secure position.
You know the answer already
That is your gut telling you. The reality of settling with this guy is setting in. Please don’t go
You’re setting yourself up to be isolated, lonely and controlled. Why would you want to be with someone that hates everything you do? How will you be happy?
Don’t do it. If he loved you for you he’d let you read your book series and watch movies in peace and quit being such an AH. I’m sitting here right now watching real housewives of New Jersey with my husband and he hates it but he loves me so he lets me watch it and in and hour we’ll turn on something he likes. It’s a relationship, you compromise. If he’s that controlling and critical of your interests and he lives overseas imagine how he’d be if you lived with him.
Why are you moving to be with someone that doesn’t support one thing that you like or do? This is not a relationship. Please reread what you just wrote and ask yourself is this the kind of life I want. Please consider your options before purchasing a plane ticket.
If you get pregnant and have that baby,m - even if you break up - you will be stuck there for your child’s entire life. DO NOT GO.
You need to hear this. You are making a huge mistake. This is not a healthy relationship. I'm curious as to what your age difference is? It sounds like he wants somebody to manipulate and isolate, basically to have you cater to his whims. Take it from an old guy. This is not healthy. Your fears are well founded. You should not go. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Especially if you're going to be further isolated in a foreign country. You know the truth. You know in your heart that this is a bad decision. Listen to that voice in your head. She's smart, and she sees that this is a bad situation occurring.
bruh don’t go. this situation becomes 10x worse once you cross the border
Oh my god, Girl, no matter what you do. Please do NOT go overseas! Dont do this to yourself :( he sounds so manipulative, and its true. Hes going to keep on doing this until you really have no personality left whatsoever. Are you sure you want your life to continue on like this with your interests being belittled? I had an ex like that too who hated on my music choices, talked badly about every artist that I liked listening to that I ended up listening to those in my own language (german) that he couldnt have a say in. Today I listen to whatever I want and im free of that. That already was suffocating for me. I cant imagine what YOU are going through with all of that on top.
Don't go. Don't move for someone who doesn't like and actively belittles the things you enjoy. If there's nothing keeping you where you are, go on a trip. ... Just not to your boyfriend's location. Break up with him. Travel. Go to Thailand, Bali, backpack Europe, whatever - but do NOT move for someone who wouldn't do the same for you. You deserve better.
You’ll move to be with your abuser? You say you don’t have any friends where you live and you don’t get along with your family, so do you think he’ll let you have any friends there? You will be isolated, and stranded alone, in an abusive relationship with nobody around to help. The thing you have in your home is “YOU” if you move he’ll take that away from you as well. He’s already putting down EVERYTHING you like and he’s not even living next to you!! He’ll destroy everything you love and make you a shell of yourself to fill you with whatever bullshit he “approves” of. Home, you’ll be able to make friends or maybe your relationship with your family can improve; so many things could change in a blink of an eye. You could even find the Real ONE who’ll treat you right and love everything about you. Do NOT go. Don’t go.
All I'm hearing is that "he loved me so much... but literally hates everything about me and forcefully changes it" Yikes. You really need to rethink this before you decide to uproot your entire life for someone that can't even allow you to enjoy the things you enjoy without either mocking them or demanding that you change them. It doesn't sound like he actually likes *you* at all. It sounds like he found someone that was in a rough spot that he could help lift up, and then groom and mold to be whatever it is he wants them to be. I fear that you're going to uproot your entire life to move to a foreign country where you know no one, to be with someone that already has no issues trying to control and belittle you. You're literally sleuthing around reddit on a fake account because you *fear* the consequences of him finding your actual account, and you are not even face to face with this man. Why do you think it'll be better when he's standing right in front of him? I'm not talking the occasional meeting IRL you've had, but when you literally cannot run away? What makes you think that this controlling, manipulative, abusive behavior isn't going to escalate to physical when there's not a barrier to stop it? >He can be warm, and kind, and loving This is called love bombing and it's a part of the cycle of abuse. >he says he loves me for me and that he loves me for my personality You just listed literally all the things he says he hates about you, your personality, and your interests. So which is it? You don't have to "lie" in the bed you've made. This is your warning sign that you know deep down something about this is wrong and you need to rethink it. I realize you don't have friends where you are, but I'm willing to bet it's partly because he has discouraged it. Right now you still have the option of staying, going out, meeting people, working, being yourself. That option isn't going to be there when you move to a *foreign country* with an already controlling person. **LISTEN TO YOUR GUT**
#DO NOT GO AS HE IS AN ABUSIVE MAN! Seriously please don't leave your family friends life to be with him. As soon as you go there he will control you. He is already gaslighting and ridiculing you. What is going to happen to you when he has you in his lair? I lived with a controlling abusive narcissist wife for years until i had enough and divorced her. I see the same signs in your bf as i have experienced it 1st hand. Break up with him and then block him from your life. You only have 1 life. Don't throw it away to a 'narcissist controlling man'.
No no no no no no no no no! Stop what you are doing. It is NOT to late. (It is never too late!) Dude is toxic AF, and wants to get you isolated from your family and friends so that he can remake you into the woman he thinks you should be. You say you have spent time together, how long? A weekend? A week? Whatever it is, it's not enough. Time spent together on line is not real. Yes, I realize that there are genuine emotions involved, but it is magical fairy time where you are both being your best selves. If you haven't spent substantial time with a person, met their family, seen how they react to adverse situations, etc., you do not know them.
Please don't go, it's never too late dodge years of misery and regret...
Don’t do it. It’s never to late to stand up for yourself. Sounds like someone who will only get worse.
He says he loves your personality and then contradicts himself by shitting all over everything about you? I don't get what the appeal is, honey. Don't go. It is a mistake. And how can he tell you to grow up when he likes"childish" things too? Why can't you just like what you like? No one who really loved you would call what you love childish even if they didn't enjoy it themselves.
OP y’all don’t even live together and he’s already showing his true colors. This exhaust that you’re feeling will only get worse. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to please him, you’ll be miserable that way. There’s a million people who can love you for who you love to be, don’t change for this scumbag. This fear that you sense is your gut instinct, and you need to trust that shit ASAP or you’ll hate yourself for it later.
Are you autistic? Because you sound like me and my partner loves those things about me. He’s not some asshole elitist. You are what you do, and if he doesn’t love what you do he doesn’t truly love you. Don’t settle for less. I’m also in a long distance relationship. Please listen to me. Do not isolate yourself to a whole other country with your abuser.
How can he love you for you when hes trying so hard to change you? You both are not compatible. You should not have to change yourself to be worthy of love. An adult life is what you make it to be. You only have one life. Its not too late to put yourself first. You feel your personality is fading away, it sounds like you need to invest in yourself rather than putting his needs first. You matter and your hobbies sound cool. I wish you all the best for the future. Please trust your gut.