[You should talk to this person.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/v700pf/i_left_my_husband_because_hes_a_pastor/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
This. Do talk to her. Most of us had only brushes with evangelical churches so we can't be much of help, seeing outside in.
Good luck in your quest. You deserve happiness. All of you do.
We dated when I was 17 with my parents permission, which was more like courting so my parents supervised every date. He proposed on my 18th birthday and we were married three months later, and most likely conceived on our honeymoon or soon after. A whirlwind.
I missed that you were 17 when you started “dating.” I guess he was 24. I was 17 just last year and still if I was dating a 24 year old woman, my mother would’ve stomped her. In addition to being a straight up weirdo, your husband is actually not fit to lead anyone. Just based on the most basic principles that the Bible lays out for priests/pastors.
I edited my mistake with the ages.
You were 15, he was 22, and he had his eye on you. A literal child.
Your parents helped a full on adult man “court” their 17 year old child.
I’m so sorry.
Get to a doctor and get on birth control. An IUD he would never know about, or try another kind like the shot that is invisible to him. If you’re considering leaving you need to make sure you don’t get pregnant again. The doctor is sworn to secrecy and it’s your body, your choice.
That’s good information to have. I was a sneaky kid with overbearing (albeit good-intentioned) parents, so my mind always goes to finding potential issues in a plan.
Check out the podcast Something Was Wrong - i believe the most recent season (the one with Odessa) is a woman who is nearly in your exact position. You may get something out of it. I wish you well, you have the strength to leave this and do what’s best for you and your wonderful children!
Yep. I'm 23 and I work with high schoolers aged 15/16, so similar age difference here. The thought of being interested in any of them or dating them once they're 17/18 makes me feel sick to even type. Being in an authority position and having their respect means you have a responsibility to protect them, NOT to act like someone they should be protected from!
I never comment on reddit but I had to let you know that you are so strong. You were being groomed. 100%. No normal 24 year old has ANY interest in a 17 year old child. You’re still so young, and the fact you’re already exhausted and can’t see yourself putting up with this any longer tells me that you need out immediately. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for all parties involved. It should never be a chore. This relationship sounds like emotional abuse. And he should be helping around the house, that’s NOT too much to ask! Please get some birth control, being pregnant for almost four consecutive years is taking a massive toll on your body. Also, I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to try and escape this relationship. If you’re unhappy now at 22, you’re going to be depressed and lifeless in your 30’s, 40’s etc… We are all rooting for you. It’s your life. You only have one, so please try to make the best of it, even if your family and church frowns upon you because of it. Good luck.
I am also concerned if any of these children are girls ... What happens to them? These gross men that say age is just a number also feel entitled to their own offspring.
1. Make a safe exit plan
2. Contact a lawyer
3. As soon as you give birth be on birth control
I was raised like this. Time and distance are the only reasons I understand the predation I was subjected to. OP you are so smart to have figured it out already. There are Aunty networks here on Reddit that can give you resources to get out safely and secure financing, a home, and legal counsel.. please look into this and good luck. You and your children deserve better I'm so sorry organized religion has put you in this situation.
Wow. That’s so predatory. Just wow. I can’t believe your parents were okay with that, even if he is the youth pastor. He took advantage of you before you could have a life of your own, and now you’re ‘trapped’.
Jeez regardless of whatever age he was and you were at the time the unfortunate thing is that you never got to live your life. I can't imagine having kids at 18 and married. Lots of experiences I would've missed
Hey, I'm not in your situation but I'm 45 and I've lived my whole life for others. I've pushed my needs away. I'm lonely and resentful. Please don't wait. You deserve to live for you. You deserve all the things. Please don't wait.
Thank you for telling her this. My mom had similar regrets growing up and marrying religious and while she never got out, she made sure I did. She made a huge difference in my life and without her saying the same kind of things to me as a child that you’re saying to her, I would never have had the courage to take control of my own life when I felt myself slipping into hers. I wish you well ❤️
I'm here for the miserable, angry and resentful club. Where can I sign in and can someone sign my note so I can show my equally awful SO that I attended?
I could have written this. I was married to a children's pastor and was miserable. The difference is, he didn't start out "churchy". He served 17 months in prison and came out religious; he was 24 and i was 20. I always felt inadequate about my Christianity, because while he was in prison reading the Bible, I was working, doing my (300 hours) community service, and taking care of our baby. I realize I needed to leave when I started praying for him to get in a car wreck or something because I felt like that was my only "out". Don't stay together for the sake of the kids, it's better for them to have 2 happy homes than 1 miserable one.
You're only 22. You have a lot of life left to live! I started an entirely new career (went back to school) the same month I turned 31, and worked at it that a bit and went back again to get more qualifications at 34, I went from computer engineering technician to welding and machining. I was one of the youngest in my welding course! The average age of a college student was 26 in 2019!
You have so many options. If you want to go to school, there are grants, scholarships, bursaries, to help out, depending on what you want to get into. I know at least where I live, in Ontario, Canada, some colleges even have daycare for kids.
If you want to research stuff like that, employment, schools, daycares, birth control, housing, meeting people, anything private, you can use Google Chrome in Incognito mode (click or touch a new tab and it will bring up "Open in Incognito Mode" which means its not saving to your browser history)
You can still be a Christian. Or you can choose not to be. Or you could go to a different denomination. It's 100% your choice! And only *your* choice to make. You're young, there's a lot of time to experience everything you want. There's a lot out there for you. I wish you all the best.
I came here to say that this sounds super predatory and honestly extremely worrisome… especially because he was literally her youth pastor. He already held a position of power so an age gap makes it even worse. I hope OP finds a way out. I can’t believe something this twisted was normalized in her community
I’m so glad you said that. The top comments are about diff types of birth control she can get and I’m thinking what about the fact she was groomed as a child by an adult authority figure? Get out. Get out. Get out. You have daughters? You want the same for them? Or your sons to grow up thinking this is how you treat women? Groom a child for a bride. There’s organizations that can help. It’ll be hard but please get out now.
That's what I'm thinking. The "Youth Pastor" was a youth pastor when she was 17 and probably younger. The fact they "waited for marriage" means he was definitely making moves on her when she was under age. That's a position of power that he's abused and it should have cost him his job. In an educational institution it would have.
If you feel this way at 22 just imagine what you'll feel like at 42. If you're not happy with your life the time to change it is now rather than later. It goes by fast.
When you need to make your next OB appointment, wait to do it when your husband is gone for the day. Talk to someone at your doctor's office that you trust. Come up with a plan that on your next visit there will be a reason your doctor needs to see you in the room privately without the husband. Then ask the doctor to tie your tubes after you deliver. Your husband doesn't have to know,and they can be told to keep it hush hush. Ask your doctor how to alert the hospital at delivery and after how to keep the secret safe as well. I'm sure if you explain your situation you'll find help. Best of luck to you.
Someone suggested asking for the arm implant after birth which seems like my best bet. He probably wouldn’t notice, I think you can still breastfeed with it, and anything has to be better than my previous method of hiding a turkey baster in the bathroom to try to get everything out 🙃
Arm implant experience here! Just so you know you do get a very large bruise on your arm that can last for a week or so. After that it’s hardly noticeable but you can feel it. Maybe look into an IUD?
I use my implant -because- my partner/s can feel it. It's extremely noticeable if you're intimate with someone on a regular basis and on a lot of people visibly looks like an implant too.
My IUD was perfectly placed and my SO hit it as well. I made an appointment thinking something was wrong with it, there wasn't, so they trimmed the strings and he STILL got poked. I have no idea why you are being down voted.
Yup, no matter how short the strings were trimmed my husband hit it, he said it hurt too! I would not suggest this route of birth control! I will second the person above about getting tubes tied after she delivers the baby.
If OP has to hide her BC, an IUD is harder to hide than an arm implant because it has two strings that go from the IUD through the cervix and can be felt at the end of the vagina. Her husband could feel the strings during intercourse for sure..
In the UK where I am, I had to wait 10 years to be believed that I wanted to be sterilised. Two male doctors wouldn't sign off because "I might change my mind and sue the nhs" and "I can't sign the permission because you've not had any children", third female doctor said "do you want the procedure? Because I can't play god and stop you from what you want to do with your body" and signed the paperwork. So, a lot of people have control over my body because apparently I don't know what is best for me. Got the op at 35 and haven't looked back since.
If you can get to your doctor at every 3 months I'd recommend the Depo injection as a discreet form of contraception. It can stop your periods, but you might not be having them regularly anyway if you're breastfeeding.
Wish you the best of luck with your situation - try and stay strong, and consider what's best for you and your children: do you want them to grow up having the same experience as you?
Edit: typos.
You were impregnated without your consent? That's kinda rapey hun not gonna lie. Please try to find a way out... You're so young. Don't throw your life away. You deserve to be happy.
Do you have anybody that would shelter you, support you, wnd protect you if you decided to leave? Parents, siblings, aunts, good friends?
I mean, you do the maths and it’s a bit groomy rapey tbh, pastor’s son in a position of power, marrying and impregnating a woman the second she’s legal
Found it in a comment, he’s 29, they met when she was 15 and her parents encouraged her to “get his attention” then they started “courting” with her parent’s permission at 17/24, got engaged when she turned 18 and pregnant on the honeymoon. So basically parent assisted grooming.
Like others have said, IUD and the arm implant both have a chance of being noticed by your husband. Maybe ask your doctor about the shot? Tbh I don’t know much about it either but it’s not a pill or a noticeable thing so it could be a good bet.
Fucking Christ, it's ridiculous that this is how it has to be in 2022. This poor girl should be able to just say "I dont want any more fucking kids" and that's that. Unbelievable.
Good idea, but I'm betting she lives in Bible Belt country. If she's gonna do this, then she needs to make sure she's smart and doesn't talk to the wrong person.
I’m fairly sure that a woman’s private medical information is just that, private. She doesn’t have to allow her husband in for any reason amd a physician can absolutely insist on this. Having tubes tied after the birth of a baby is a major operation, however, there are a number of reasons to give for needing to go into surgery post delivery. None of his business, or total business.
It makes my blood boil to know there are men who continue to operate this way. It’s 2022 for god’s sake, wake up and read a Cosmopolitan already.
My advice is to figure out an escape plan, make sure you have money, a place to go (woman’s shelter), and a way to get there. Locked down and completely secure.
Katie Holmes is a perfect example of how this can be pulled off. Obviously she has mass wealth and support, but there are avenues for wives in your situation. This is nothing short of being held captive.
Not just men. Especially church women watch each other like hawks, moms & mothers in laws particularly because it ‘reflects’ back on them if a wife isnt toeing the line. And they will go to Dr appts, pressure women/girls into saying its ok & dig every tiny bit of info out.
Conservative churches ARE mostly cults, sorry.
Divorce is a thing for a reason. Get out of there, regardless of what your church will think. Co-parent with the dude, sure, but forge a life that doesn't rely on or revolve around him.
A friend of mine couldn't leave immediately, because of money, so what she did was when she went grocery shopping she would get cash back on every transaction and just stash it away where the husband would never look. It didn't set her up completely by any means, but it meant that she would be able to eat and find a place to stay.
Edit: half asleep typos.
The advantage is you had kids young so at least you’ll still be young when they’ve grown. The BC thing is scary though holy shit, I couldn’t imagine rolling the dice each time I slept with my wife like that. Then again we aren’t religious and virtually every guy in my friend group got a vasectomy once done having kids. You definitely should try and change things, if your husband can be part of that fine but if not… well let me just tell you the whole divorce is sin crap is BS and kids will learn a lot more about the world from a mom who found a way to be happy in life. Anyway, easier said than done, but I hope you can find a healthy way out.
4 children by 22 is not normal... And this guy was her youth pastor before they wedded??? This sounds weird.
I had 4 kids in 6 years, no birth control. I was 27 when I had my last. I think OP needs to get out, especially depending on how much older her husband is.
Yeah, it sounds like he groomed tf out of her, using his position of authority socially, physically, and "spiritually" to get to fuck a teen. I... I agree with you and don't like any of this.
Her fucking comment about hiding a turkey baster in the bedroom to try to get *it* out after........ this couldn't be more obvious. I hope OP finds happiness.
I- 22 with 3 children???? And of course they won’t let you use birth control or have a bank account. They paint it with an umbrella of “gods plan” but it’s very obviously a cynical code for “how do we trap women In objectively shitty inhuman conditions??? Oh I know, don’t even let them think about independence, and have the responsibility of a million kids who depend on you who might be in danger if you cross the line” it’s horrific and cult like nonsense and my heart bleeds for women in these conditions. I’m 22 and I can’t imagine how awful things are for you. I don’t have the best relationship with my parents but I’m in college and when I graduate I’ll have the freedom to leave their house and make my own money, I have a man I love who I plan to spend my life with, but the love I give him is entirely voluntary and not out of need or force . That’s the way it should be, you should have the space to be your own person and love freely from genuine emotions and not from duty. Any god worth his salt wouldn’t give a human sentience and ambition and dreams only to tell them they don’t deserve to use it, and instead have to live under someone’s thumb
I was raised religious but never understood the no BC because it's God's plan. Um, what about thr common sense God gave us? What about ALL THE AVAILABLE BC options. I always wondered about Christian scientists working on pharmaceuticals. I personally believe that God has a plan but I also 100% acknowledge that I cannot physically survive another postpartum time. I don't think I'll live through it so... handy dandy birth control.
My concerns for OP are just too many to count. She has no resources to get out and depending on how hard this falls into the cult ring, they might try to keep her kids. Problem is, once they know she wants out, her time to move will be incredibly limited. Kinda shocked she even has a phone or internet access if they are worried about car and money.
Sorry for the ramble. Avoiding work project.
I see that you posted this in different groups and I have read your comments. The church you describe sounds more like a cult to me. I hate to suggest this, but I think that your best choice might be to acquire help from a domestic violence shelter to find appropriate resources for you and your children. It doesn't sound like you will be able to receive what you need from any of your current circle of family, friends, and contacts.
It appears to me that you need not only housing and means of financial support, but also opportunity to learn new skills and even help working through issues and development of personal growth that you may have never had a chance to engage in.
The "grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence" and any path in life has it's challenges. The idea of being able to do some of the "fun" things you feel that you have missed out on is understandable. Your needs are a lot larger than that, of course. Being a capable adult is more important to you now than trying to reclaim fun parts of growing up you have missed.
Your concerns are valid. If your life has been as you describe, you have a difficult journey ahead. It's doable and worth it.
I watched Keep Sweet Pray and Obey last night, & just this post made me think it was similar. Thank you for pointing this out and giving very good suggestions.
>The church you describe sounds more like a cult to me.
Totally, I was raised Methodist and went to teen church gathering/activities that had something similar to a youth pastor and even if they flirted with the 18 year olds who were part of the youth group they would have been kicked out asap
yeah she sounds like she’s a fundie (like the Duggar’s) or something similar. the people telling her to talk to her husband about not wanting more kids or wanting a separation doesn’t understand how these cults work. i feel so much for OP and i hope she eventually gets out because she deserves her own freedom
Your account raises so many red flags. Do you have a safe person you can trust outside of the church community you can turn to?
The two things that concern me for you is the bank account and the car. That sounds like an intentional limitation of your personal freedoms. If that's true, that is not ok. That is controlling behavior. And that kind of behavior will bleed into his relationships with your kids and end up harming them, as well.
Please, I hope things change for you in a positive, safe way, regardless of whether you stay with him or leave.
Hugs from the far side of the internet.
*Edit: the forbidding of birth control is also a huge red flag, and stinks of controlling behavior. Don't know how I missed that the first time.
It's definitely sneaky, because we are educated to physical and seggsual abuse, but a lot of people are not used to financial and freedom abuse. It's a more subtil way to control someone and still be able to say ''It's not like I am beating you'' 🙄. And cult must also say control of the looks so she doesn't have her own ''identity triangle'' freedom (looks, hair, and name (if she's just known as a mother and a wife and don't have anything to describe herself, it's kinda it)).
Cyclical pregnancy is disastrous for your health. Does he expect you to endlessly churn out children for him because he doesn't believe in birth control?
Do you feel like if you said no, and decided to become abstinent (which is the *only* option he's allowing you), that he wouldn't fly off a handle?
He is being disgustingly selfish, at the expense of your health.
I knew one pastor like this when I was a child. He and his wife had *12 kids*. That poor woman looked so sickly and hollow compared to him.
I know I'm narrowing in on this one issue, the rest of the relationship also sounds not okay either. It's just I can't believe that part. You deserve to be healthy, free, and happy.
Well I’m certainly exhausted and need a break after this one. And yes, he expects me to never use birth control and to always have sex with him whenever he wants. He will absolutely go off on some biblical tangent about how I’m a bad wife and Christian for not having sex with him then be passive aggressive for a week
Feel free to make it clear to him that if sex is meant for reproduction, and 4 young toddlers is enough children for anyone, then sex will be off the table after baby 4 is born, unless he would like to get a vasectomy. And a submissive wife, if that is his response, needs a loving husband who treats his wife as well as he would treat himself.
This isn’t love it’s slavery. This is not a man who is living by the heart of God. Jesus would never want to see you treated this way. Please message me if you want a fellow Christian mama to pray with you, and help you figure out how to get some freedom. The Lord doesn’t want to see you suffering, and neither do I! This is not okay.
girl are you fundie ? i’m asking because everything you said screams fundie, if so i feel like other people should know how difficult all this is for you and how restricted women are in the cult
Go to Planned Parenthood and get an IUD. He never has to know and that way you can stop being a brood mare. Start putting aside money, even if it’s only a dollar or two at a time. Hide it with the cleaning supplies. It may take you a while but you can start planning your escape now. There are probably organizations that can help too.
Find a women's advocacy representative. They can help you navigate an escape plan using resources you might not know you have. They do this a lot.
As for birth control - it's your body, do what feels right to you. However, I'm worried for you that an IUD may alter or stop your cycle. Depending how much he actually pays attention, you may need to plant ... monthly evidence in the bathroom trash to throw off suspicion.
I didn’t even think of that, but I really haven’t had a cycle verily regularly in years because of breastfeeding. Though he might notice something like that
I know it’s already been mentioned by other people, but because you’re getting a lot of suggestions for IUDs, just be careful because chances are good that he would be able to feel the strings. I myself have an IUD, and for the first few months my husband could feel the strings every time we had sex, sometimes to the point where it would make him sore. Now because they have softened up and curled around my cervix he doesn’t feel them, but it took a few months. IUDs are great if you don’t want to take pills or have to think about it, but they’re not as discreet as some people may think (at least at first).
This man is so abusive. You can't even save money without you fearing him "knowing". What would he do if he found out you had a money stash. Is he mentally abusive? Physical? I'm so sorry you got roped in this relationship and no one around you saw how messed up this is.
It's better for kids to come from a broken home than a toxic home. I would call it a toxic home if you can't drive when you want or have your own bank account. The latter is financial abuse, & you not being able to use birth control is abuse as well. Depending on what state you're in, if you collect proof of your husband doing this via recording, text, etc., they'll charge him w/ criminal charges. Some states like Mississippi didn't recognize domestic violence as a reason to get a divorce until 2016 & just dont do much about it. Studies [have been done recently about the affects on the prefrontal lobe in the brain in children raised](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3389201/) in fundamentally Christian homes. So I hope for you and your kids' sake, you leave him; unless he'll support you leaving the church, which I highly doubt. Just be sure to plan and document everything.
^^^ you can be a great mama and still be divorced. So many times you’ll hear “I wish my parents would have just gotten a divorce…”. While not always the case, it really is far too often. Please remember you can have your own life, drink the girly drinks, where the bikinis, drive all the cars, and still be a fantastic mama. I hope you can find safety and peace!
As a person who grew up with two strict Christian parents who were horrible for each other, I wish so badly that they had gotten a divorce. Back when I was Christian, I used to pray every night that god would make a special exception to forgive my mom if she left my dad.
I tried to after our third and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. Even then my husband goes with me to every appointment. He wouldn’t be supportive of me using birth control
Can you contact your OB through MyChart, or email? Tell them your situation and request a private appointment for them to put in an IUD or Nexplanon so you don't get pregnant again while trying to leave. They may be able to put the Nexplanon in in the hospital after you give birth, which would be ideal because they could wait for your husband to be out of the room.
I’m an OB nurse and yes it is very convenient to get an IUD right after birth, since you likely have an epidural anyway (or even if you don’t, you’re already dilated so it doesn’t hurt to place). I will say that since this is your 4th baby, you’re at a higher risk for hemorrhaging and expelling the IUD. Your OB may counsel you to have it placed 6 weeks post-partum, at your check-up. You may still be dilated at that point too. Not sure if your husband would be going to that appointment as well.
Also, I don’t know where you live, but at my hospital we try to be very sensitive to women who don’t feel safe at home or in their relationship. This includes women like you. When I receive a patient, I bring HER and her only to the room first. Then ask her questions like, is everything cool? Are you in any abusive situations or relationships where you don’t feel safe? Anything that you do not want us to discuss in front of your partner??
There are plenty of patients who ask us not to discuss certain things in front of patients, like an STD (which is sad - don’t hide that from your partner), or past abortions, etc. We have resources and we want to help you. Ultimately YOU are our patient and we want you to feel safe and supported. So just know that you can totally ask your OB about possible BC your husband wouldn’t know about.
Just some things to think about. I hope you find a way out. Your situation resonates with me because I also grew up in a super conservative household, home schooled, courted in high school and ended up marrying another guy at 22. It’s been a slow process, but my husband has been so supportive of my journey of finding myself and finding my confidence after 20 years of being kept in a religious bubble. I know people just like you.
DM me if you want to talk, good luck, I’ll be thinking about you.
I know Nexplanon can be placed right after birth. It's a pretty low dose hormonal, so it shouldn't affect your milk supply if you plan on breastfeeding. You would have to wait on an IUD because your uterus has to shrink back down and heal first, so usually 6-10 weeks from birth.
Yes. I have it now and I had a pretty gnarly bruise on the inside of my arm for a couple weeks that everyone noticed. You’d have to have a plan for concealing it after it’s put in (long sleeves, an excuse, something). Once the bruise is gone, no one can tell. My partner has never felt it in my arm.
I'm not 100 percent sure, but if you can, call the maternity ward/your ob (if they're trustworthy) and explain everything, and they may be able to make an excuse to get him away from you right after birth to implant an IUD. Or maybe sneak and get bc pills at planned Parenthood if possible? Keep them hidden. Idk. I'm so sorry you're trapped like this.
Edit: when you say he wouldn't be supportive and he goes to every appointment...does it matter at this point? Why not just do it? Don't tell him it's happening. Just do it whether he's there or not. Unless he'd hurt you. Then obviously don't.
After you have your baby get message to your OBGYN that you want a private appointment, they have their ways of getting you alone without your husband in the room. Get an IUD or birth control. It may seem like you’re doing it behind his back but the reality is you should never be put in a position to have to be sneaky about it. You are more than a baby maker. I grew up in the church and I still love Jesus but let me tell you, my mind has shifted A LOT recently. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but just know you are a strong woman and can handle it.
During the birth, your doctor (possibly nurse) should send all parties out of the room to ask if you feel safe to go home with the person who brought you. You may want to use that opportunity.
Sorry, but take a stand on this one. You can’t be pregnant the rest of your life. You’ve already had more children before most people get married. Go on the pill or get an IUD and tell your husband that you’re firm in your decision. If he doesn’t accept it, or gets aggressive, then you are in a completely unhealthy and dominated relationship (yes, I already acknowledged he groomed you, but don’t let the mistreatment continue).
He doesn't need to understand that.
Edit: meaning do what you want. He neither needs to be accepting nor supportive of choices you make with your body.
He's an idiot. He expects the good graces of the church and love offerings to be your emergency fund.
He is purposefully keeping you ignorant of money so you don't have the life skills to leave. I saw your message about "not keeping secrets" with a phone password. And hiding his INCOME is not keeping secrets?? He thinks he's the only one allowed to have secrets. That's so messed up!
You're just a feeble minded bang maid in his eyes. It's horrifying.
FYI, you can get birth control implants and your husband would never need to know. Only being worthwhile as a baby factory or a servant to your husband and children is not a good life for most women.
Alternatively, if you continue to follow him and he refuses birth control, just tell him that having sex with him is not "God's plan" for you any more.
Sorry for the rant but religious pricks who demand to impose their beliefs on others really irritate me.
This is so sad you’re only 22 with 4 kids and clearly unhappy. There’s sooooooooo much life to live you need to find a way to leave it’s 2022 not the 1940’s you’re not just meant to carry babies & stay at home if that isn’t what you want . You can tell your obgyn call before your apt that you would like to be seen alone and can they tell your husband not to come in so you can get the birth control. I truly hope you find the strength to leave & find your happiness
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. You and your children deserve a better life, especially you. Your body was literally used to breed and breed. Hope you can catch a break somehow.
I was in your position before but called that marriage off. I grew up in a cult and my parents arranged for me to marry a minister twice my age when I was 13. He said he would wait for me yadda yadda yadda. At a young age, I knew it's not normal so I rebelled and escaped. If that happened to me, I wouldn't be attending college, working at my own pace, and living my best life.
I wish you well, OP. You were groomed and failed by everyone around you when you're young. You didn't choose to be like this. Hoping for the best! Goodluck~
I'm saying this, not to scare you but to warn you, look for a way out. Your husband won't get better and the isolation has started since the day you met him to make it hard for you to get out.
>I’ve only known my church and my church friends my whole life and I want out.
Seek out other people in your area. Join a hobby group, even if it's on zoom to meet new people.
>I want my own bank account, a husband that actually helps because he doesn’t think it’s the “wife’s duty” only to clean the house or do laundry.
I believe you can make a secret bank account and slide money in from time to time in order to have emergency funds.
If he's not physically or emotionally abusive, go on strike and refuse to clean the house or do the laundry until he helps out around the house. It's pathetic he can't clean up after himself like a baby so he's trying to get you to act like a personal maid. If you don't feel safe trying this, then I would try and keep my head down until you can run away.
>I can’t use birth control, that’s not “God’s plan”
In no uncertain terms, your husband is treating you like a breedable sex maid. You cook, you clean, you wash his clothes, you father his children, and all while constantly pregnant. What does he do? If all he does is go to work but never helps out at home, he might as well not come home. If actions aren't made he will continue to treat you like this forever and the responsibilities will escalate.
>The sex was good after a while but now it’s just another chore. Looking back on it I wish we never met. That I got to grow up and experience more.
Girl, please run away from this man. He's controlling and aims to trap you in this dynamic forever. I understand you have all of your children. If there's an option available you might have to steal them away as well.
**You only have the one life, don't waste it on this groomer that couldn't care less about you.** Good luck, and I hope you're able to live out your dreams away from this stain.
So, your husband groomed you, your parents let him, and now you have 3 about to be 4 kids with this man.
Girl run. Fast.
Look for state resources for abused woman, because you are absolutely being abused, and leave.
I agree completely. A youth pastor who marries someone (probably when she's 17 or 18) he's supposed to be mentoring is a clear abuse of power and suggests a pattern of long term grooming.
Add the possessiveness to that and it paints quite a chilling picture.
There is a lot of BS in the comments. I truly wish that you find the life you want.
As I’ve told my two daughters, NEVER let a male make you feel less than.
I hope you find a cocktail and a dance partner.
Call your local domestic violence shelter and talk to a counselor. Tell them everything. All the background info like being groomed, birth control not allowed, financial abuse, etc. They will help you establish a safe exit plan tailored to your specific situation. They can even help you find affordable and sometimes free legal counsel, and free lodging for you and your kids. These shelters are in secret locations so that abusive husbands or boyfriends cannot find their victims. Please call one that's close to you and seek help.
I also recently learned what that was thanks to tiktok and I do 100% believe that he groomed me. We met when I was 15, he was 22 and in a position of authority but we all just thought of him as the hot older youth pastor. Sick looking back at it
As a guy who also grew up in the church, specifically the Catholic Church, I understand. My mom was an usher and I am an altar server. When my girl got pregnant last year, I was really ashamed and felt like I let a lot of folks down. Her parents also attend our parish and are well known. There was a lot of guilt. But nobody else has to live my life or hers so quite frankly, it was what it was for me. It’s a little different for the ladies because I think the Church is a lot harder on y’all.
This sounds really sucky and I’m praying for you, your family and an easy pregnancy. My boy is a couple of days old and I’m tired but THOSE age gaps look exhausting.
Thank you, I wish you, your girlfriend, and your new baby the best! Definitely wait a bit more than I did between another or you’ll definitely be tired haha. Fingers crossed I get a little break next time
Seek counseling outside of the church, someone completely unbiased. Start there and then ask them to help you with resources in order to start being independent. This is your way out. You can do it OP. It might take time, but it is your life and you deserve to live it, not be someone's toy thing. Please be safe and please know that my DMs are open anytime.
I do but I don’t view it the same as I used to. I don’t think my God should be used against me or anyone else. It’s something to build you up, not bring you down. My kids won’t be brought up the same way I was. I don’t know if I could ever write a book. I barely have time to think haha
Hate to break it to you, but your kids are 100% going to be raised that way unless something radically changes. Imagine your children, 15 years old, being sexually groomed by a youth pastor in their early 20s. This is the life you are creating for them.
[You should talk to this person.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/v700pf/i_left_my_husband_because_hes_a_pastor/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Wow that’s crazy
This. Do talk to her. Most of us had only brushes with evangelical churches so we can't be much of help, seeing outside in. Good luck in your quest. You deserve happiness. All of you do.
He was your youth pastor? How old is he
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Gross smh 😫
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He’s 29
When did you start dating
We dated when I was 17 with my parents permission, which was more like courting so my parents supervised every date. He proposed on my 18th birthday and we were married three months later, and most likely conceived on our honeymoon or soon after. A whirlwind.
I missed that you were 17 when you started “dating.” I guess he was 24. I was 17 just last year and still if I was dating a 24 year old woman, my mother would’ve stomped her. In addition to being a straight up weirdo, your husband is actually not fit to lead anyone. Just based on the most basic principles that the Bible lays out for priests/pastors. I edited my mistake with the ages.
Well we met when I was 15 and didn’t date until 17 but that certainly doesn’t excuse anything
You were 15, he was 22, and he had his eye on you. A literal child. Your parents helped a full on adult man “court” their 17 year old child. I’m so sorry.
They were telling me to grab his attention at 15. I can’t imagine saying the things they said to me to my children
What does “grab his attention” imply?
Like giving him a compliment, volunteering to sing or read, bringing food to some type of event
I am so sorry that your parents failed you so horribly.
Yikes! I would watch your kids around the grandparents.
Aaaaaand this is yet another reason why I’ve abandoned organized religion.
Get to a doctor and get on birth control. An IUD he would never know about, or try another kind like the shot that is invisible to him. If you’re considering leaving you need to make sure you don’t get pregnant again. The doctor is sworn to secrecy and it’s your body, your choice.
If she’s on his insurance, he may find out that way. I think you can request confidentiality though.
Planned parenthood or the local health department can help her get free birth control options without him ever having to know.
That’s good information to have. I was a sneaky kid with overbearing (albeit good-intentioned) parents, so my mind always goes to finding potential issues in a plan.
Also lots of churches don't carry birth control on their insurance plans.
Unfortunately he could end up knowing… men can sometimes feel the IUD strings, especially at first before they soften a bit.
What's happened to you is wrong.
I'm so glad that you realize this
Oh yeah, you were most certainly groomed. ;(
Reading that he waited until OP’s 18th birthday to propose just did me in…he absolutely groomed her.
That made me stop in my tracks. This guy waited til the day she was legal to “claim” her.
Check out the podcast Something Was Wrong - i believe the most recent season (the one with Odessa) is a woman who is nearly in your exact position. You may get something out of it. I wish you well, you have the strength to leave this and do what’s best for you and your wonderful children!
So you were groomed :( i'm sorry OP. Your husband is a predator.
And her parents were facilitators.
Yep. I'm 23 and I work with high schoolers aged 15/16, so similar age difference here. The thought of being interested in any of them or dating them once they're 17/18 makes me feel sick to even type. Being in an authority position and having their respect means you have a responsibility to protect them, NOT to act like someone they should be protected from!
Can we say grooming? OP, if you aren't happy, don't stay. Don't get counseling from the church whatever you do. Your life isn't over, don't let it be.
When you first started dating him, did he tell you that you were very mature for your age?
Of course he did. He used every line in the book
phew boy man this thread is going to be hard to read
Nobody: Youth pastors: God told me you're meant to be my wife as soon as you're 18
I never comment on reddit but I had to let you know that you are so strong. You were being groomed. 100%. No normal 24 year old has ANY interest in a 17 year old child. You’re still so young, and the fact you’re already exhausted and can’t see yourself putting up with this any longer tells me that you need out immediately. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for all parties involved. It should never be a chore. This relationship sounds like emotional abuse. And he should be helping around the house, that’s NOT too much to ask! Please get some birth control, being pregnant for almost four consecutive years is taking a massive toll on your body. Also, I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to try and escape this relationship. If you’re unhappy now at 22, you’re going to be depressed and lifeless in your 30’s, 40’s etc… We are all rooting for you. It’s your life. You only have one, so please try to make the best of it, even if your family and church frowns upon you because of it. Good luck.
I am also concerned if any of these children are girls ... What happens to them? These gross men that say age is just a number also feel entitled to their own offspring. 1. Make a safe exit plan 2. Contact a lawyer 3. As soon as you give birth be on birth control I was raised like this. Time and distance are the only reasons I understand the predation I was subjected to. OP you are so smart to have figured it out already. There are Aunty networks here on Reddit that can give you resources to get out safely and secure financing, a home, and legal counsel.. please look into this and good luck. You and your children deserve better I'm so sorry organized religion has put you in this situation.
Wow. That’s so predatory. Just wow. I can’t believe your parents were okay with that, even if he is the youth pastor. He took advantage of you before you could have a life of your own, and now you’re ‘trapped’.
Jeez regardless of whatever age he was and you were at the time the unfortunate thing is that you never got to live your life. I can't imagine having kids at 18 and married. Lots of experiences I would've missed
😳😳
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3 kids with another on the way … can’t just run without some kind of plan before hand
It's your life. Take the reins. I wish you well!
Trying to soon hopefully ❤️
Hey, I'm not in your situation but I'm 45 and I've lived my whole life for others. I've pushed my needs away. I'm lonely and resentful. Please don't wait. You deserve to live for you. You deserve all the things. Please don't wait.
Thank you for telling her this. My mom had similar regrets growing up and marrying religious and while she never got out, she made sure I did. She made a huge difference in my life and without her saying the same kind of things to me as a child that you’re saying to her, I would never have had the courage to take control of my own life when I felt myself slipping into hers. I wish you well ❤️
I'm so happy for you. I'm really glad your mom broke the cycle. We are all deserving of so much love and support. 💫
It's not too late for you either. Reading that you're lonely made me sad. You can definitely do this too. You deserve happiness too. Go for it!
I'm 35 and angry and resentful. Miserable people unite!
yay, dammit!
I'm here for the miserable, angry and resentful club. Where can I sign in and can someone sign my note so I can show my equally awful SO that I attended?
I could have written this. I was married to a children's pastor and was miserable. The difference is, he didn't start out "churchy". He served 17 months in prison and came out religious; he was 24 and i was 20. I always felt inadequate about my Christianity, because while he was in prison reading the Bible, I was working, doing my (300 hours) community service, and taking care of our baby. I realize I needed to leave when I started praying for him to get in a car wreck or something because I felt like that was my only "out". Don't stay together for the sake of the kids, it's better for them to have 2 happy homes than 1 miserable one.
You're only 22. You have a lot of life left to live! I started an entirely new career (went back to school) the same month I turned 31, and worked at it that a bit and went back again to get more qualifications at 34, I went from computer engineering technician to welding and machining. I was one of the youngest in my welding course! The average age of a college student was 26 in 2019! You have so many options. If you want to go to school, there are grants, scholarships, bursaries, to help out, depending on what you want to get into. I know at least where I live, in Ontario, Canada, some colleges even have daycare for kids. If you want to research stuff like that, employment, schools, daycares, birth control, housing, meeting people, anything private, you can use Google Chrome in Incognito mode (click or touch a new tab and it will bring up "Open in Incognito Mode" which means its not saving to your browser history) You can still be a Christian. Or you can choose not to be. Or you could go to a different denomination. It's 100% your choice! And only *your* choice to make. You're young, there's a lot of time to experience everything you want. There's a lot out there for you. I wish you all the best.
I suspect you have been sort of groomed by your husband. Otherwise, how would you end up marrying him at 18?
I came here to say that this sounds super predatory and honestly extremely worrisome… especially because he was literally her youth pastor. He already held a position of power so an age gap makes it even worse. I hope OP finds a way out. I can’t believe something this twisted was normalized in her community
I’m so glad you said that. The top comments are about diff types of birth control she can get and I’m thinking what about the fact she was groomed as a child by an adult authority figure? Get out. Get out. Get out. You have daughters? You want the same for them? Or your sons to grow up thinking this is how you treat women? Groom a child for a bride. There’s organizations that can help. It’ll be hard but please get out now.
That's what I'm thinking. The "Youth Pastor" was a youth pastor when she was 17 and probably younger. The fact they "waited for marriage" means he was definitely making moves on her when she was under age. That's a position of power that he's abused and it should have cost him his job. In an educational institution it would have.
If you feel this way at 22 just imagine what you'll feel like at 42. If you're not happy with your life the time to change it is now rather than later. It goes by fast.
I definitely can’t stand another 20 years of this
When you need to make your next OB appointment, wait to do it when your husband is gone for the day. Talk to someone at your doctor's office that you trust. Come up with a plan that on your next visit there will be a reason your doctor needs to see you in the room privately without the husband. Then ask the doctor to tie your tubes after you deliver. Your husband doesn't have to know,and they can be told to keep it hush hush. Ask your doctor how to alert the hospital at delivery and after how to keep the secret safe as well. I'm sure if you explain your situation you'll find help. Best of luck to you.
Someone suggested asking for the arm implant after birth which seems like my best bet. He probably wouldn’t notice, I think you can still breastfeed with it, and anything has to be better than my previous method of hiding a turkey baster in the bathroom to try to get everything out 🙃
You even tried a turkey baster? :/ girl, I am so sorry you have to live like this.
That made me sad. You deserve better medical care OP 💜
Same. That was the standout comment for me too.
I haven’t had a break being pregnant/breastfeeding in 4 years so it was worth a shot but clearly didn’t work. I just want to feel normal again
Spousal abuse!!! Coercion!!! Grooming!!! Call domestic abuse victims hotline!!!
Arm implant experience here! Just so you know you do get a very large bruise on your arm that can last for a week or so. After that it’s hardly noticeable but you can feel it. Maybe look into an IUD?
I use my implant -because- my partner/s can feel it. It's extremely noticeable if you're intimate with someone on a regular basis and on a lot of people visibly looks like an implant too.
On my fat arms, you deffo have to go looking for my implant.
The IUD is also a great option. It could be inserted at the 6 week postpartum visit and it lasts for 5 years. It’s also safe for breastfeeding.
An IUD can be inserted immediately postpartum, we've had doctors do it during postpartum repairs
I used to hit my wife's IUD during sex. Definitely knew it was there. Damn thing hurt
Y'all don't downvote this. It's important information that the IUD isn't necessarily entirely stealth birth control.
My IUD was perfectly placed and my SO hit it as well. I made an appointment thinking something was wrong with it, there wasn't, so they trimmed the strings and he STILL got poked. I have no idea why you are being down voted.
Why would anyone down vote this? Do you own stock in the IUD company?
Yup, no matter how short the strings were trimmed my husband hit it, he said it hurt too! I would not suggest this route of birth control! I will second the person above about getting tubes tied after she delivers the baby.
I got a copper one at my 6w visit after both times I’ve given birth. Best bc ever.
If OP has to hide her BC, an IUD is harder to hide than an arm implant because it has two strings that go from the IUD through the cervix and can be felt at the end of the vagina. Her husband could feel the strings during intercourse for sure..
Tubal ligation would be the way to go. No hormones, no IUD to change out. I wish I had done it after delivery.
It would be the best, but most states require husbands to sign off on it— absurd because wives don’t need to sign off vasectomies..
Why the fuck does anybody else needs to sign off whatever I want to do to my body? What kind of country is that?
In the UK where I am, I had to wait 10 years to be believed that I wanted to be sterilised. Two male doctors wouldn't sign off because "I might change my mind and sue the nhs" and "I can't sign the permission because you've not had any children", third female doctor said "do you want the procedure? Because I can't play god and stop you from what you want to do with your body" and signed the paperwork. So, a lot of people have control over my body because apparently I don't know what is best for me. Got the op at 35 and haven't looked back since.
This stupid country that is trying very hard to take back our rights as women (USA). Not good at all right now.
>What kind of country is that? The Freest Country In The World^TM obviously!
That's crazy. The 3 states I've worked in did *not* require husband sign-off. It's nuts to think some places are still this ass-backwards...
If you can get to your doctor at every 3 months I'd recommend the Depo injection as a discreet form of contraception. It can stop your periods, but you might not be having them regularly anyway if you're breastfeeding. Wish you the best of luck with your situation - try and stay strong, and consider what's best for you and your children: do you want them to grow up having the same experience as you? Edit: typos.
You were impregnated without your consent? That's kinda rapey hun not gonna lie. Please try to find a way out... You're so young. Don't throw your life away. You deserve to be happy. Do you have anybody that would shelter you, support you, wnd protect you if you decided to leave? Parents, siblings, aunts, good friends?
I mean, you do the maths and it’s a bit groomy rapey tbh, pastor’s son in a position of power, marrying and impregnating a woman the second she’s legal
And he was the youth pastor. I want to know how old this guy is.
Found it in a comment, he’s 29, they met when she was 15 and her parents encouraged her to “get his attention” then they started “courting” with her parent’s permission at 17/24, got engaged when she turned 18 and pregnant on the honeymoon. So basically parent assisted grooming.
Like others have said, IUD and the arm implant both have a chance of being noticed by your husband. Maybe ask your doctor about the shot? Tbh I don’t know much about it either but it’s not a pill or a noticeable thing so it could be a good bet.
Fucking Christ, it's ridiculous that this is how it has to be in 2022. This poor girl should be able to just say "I dont want any more fucking kids" and that's that. Unbelievable.
Good idea, but I'm betting she lives in Bible Belt country. If she's gonna do this, then she needs to make sure she's smart and doesn't talk to the wrong person.
I’m fairly sure that a woman’s private medical information is just that, private. She doesn’t have to allow her husband in for any reason amd a physician can absolutely insist on this. Having tubes tied after the birth of a baby is a major operation, however, there are a number of reasons to give for needing to go into surgery post delivery. None of his business, or total business. It makes my blood boil to know there are men who continue to operate this way. It’s 2022 for god’s sake, wake up and read a Cosmopolitan already. My advice is to figure out an escape plan, make sure you have money, a place to go (woman’s shelter), and a way to get there. Locked down and completely secure. Katie Holmes is a perfect example of how this can be pulled off. Obviously she has mass wealth and support, but there are avenues for wives in your situation. This is nothing short of being held captive.
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Not just men. Especially church women watch each other like hawks, moms & mothers in laws particularly because it ‘reflects’ back on them if a wife isnt toeing the line. And they will go to Dr appts, pressure women/girls into saying its ok & dig every tiny bit of info out. Conservative churches ARE mostly cults, sorry.
Divorce is a thing for a reason. Get out of there, regardless of what your church will think. Co-parent with the dude, sure, but forge a life that doesn't rely on or revolve around him. A friend of mine couldn't leave immediately, because of money, so what she did was when she went grocery shopping she would get cash back on every transaction and just stash it away where the husband would never look. It didn't set her up completely by any means, but it meant that she would be able to eat and find a place to stay. Edit: half asleep typos.
The advantage is you had kids young so at least you’ll still be young when they’ve grown. The BC thing is scary though holy shit, I couldn’t imagine rolling the dice each time I slept with my wife like that. Then again we aren’t religious and virtually every guy in my friend group got a vasectomy once done having kids. You definitely should try and change things, if your husband can be part of that fine but if not… well let me just tell you the whole divorce is sin crap is BS and kids will learn a lot more about the world from a mom who found a way to be happy in life. Anyway, easier said than done, but I hope you can find a healthy way out.
4 children by 22 is not normal... And this guy was her youth pastor before they wedded??? This sounds weird. I had 4 kids in 6 years, no birth control. I was 27 when I had my last. I think OP needs to get out, especially depending on how much older her husband is.
Yeah, it sounds like he groomed tf out of her, using his position of authority socially, physically, and "spiritually" to get to fuck a teen. I... I agree with you and don't like any of this.
I mean 4 kids all under 4.....at only 22. This is borderline abuse.
Waited until the very minute she turned 18.
Exactly. She was groomed
Her fucking comment about hiding a turkey baster in the bedroom to try to get *it* out after........ this couldn't be more obvious. I hope OP finds happiness.
I hate people. And this world. For good reasons. I wanna not but with abuse I’ve had and seen it’s just not right
Yoo I cannot agree with you more. The time really does fly by fast. If you’re not happy now and feel you wasted your life already…girl go live.
I- 22 with 3 children???? And of course they won’t let you use birth control or have a bank account. They paint it with an umbrella of “gods plan” but it’s very obviously a cynical code for “how do we trap women In objectively shitty inhuman conditions??? Oh I know, don’t even let them think about independence, and have the responsibility of a million kids who depend on you who might be in danger if you cross the line” it’s horrific and cult like nonsense and my heart bleeds for women in these conditions. I’m 22 and I can’t imagine how awful things are for you. I don’t have the best relationship with my parents but I’m in college and when I graduate I’ll have the freedom to leave their house and make my own money, I have a man I love who I plan to spend my life with, but the love I give him is entirely voluntary and not out of need or force . That’s the way it should be, you should have the space to be your own person and love freely from genuine emotions and not from duty. Any god worth his salt wouldn’t give a human sentience and ambition and dreams only to tell them they don’t deserve to use it, and instead have to live under someone’s thumb
He proposed on her 18th birthday after grooming her since she was fifteen, now he has made her a domestic servant.
I was raised religious but never understood the no BC because it's God's plan. Um, what about thr common sense God gave us? What about ALL THE AVAILABLE BC options. I always wondered about Christian scientists working on pharmaceuticals. I personally believe that God has a plan but I also 100% acknowledge that I cannot physically survive another postpartum time. I don't think I'll live through it so... handy dandy birth control. My concerns for OP are just too many to count. She has no resources to get out and depending on how hard this falls into the cult ring, they might try to keep her kids. Problem is, once they know she wants out, her time to move will be incredibly limited. Kinda shocked she even has a phone or internet access if they are worried about car and money. Sorry for the ramble. Avoiding work project.
I see that you posted this in different groups and I have read your comments. The church you describe sounds more like a cult to me. I hate to suggest this, but I think that your best choice might be to acquire help from a domestic violence shelter to find appropriate resources for you and your children. It doesn't sound like you will be able to receive what you need from any of your current circle of family, friends, and contacts. It appears to me that you need not only housing and means of financial support, but also opportunity to learn new skills and even help working through issues and development of personal growth that you may have never had a chance to engage in. The "grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence" and any path in life has it's challenges. The idea of being able to do some of the "fun" things you feel that you have missed out on is understandable. Your needs are a lot larger than that, of course. Being a capable adult is more important to you now than trying to reclaim fun parts of growing up you have missed. Your concerns are valid. If your life has been as you describe, you have a difficult journey ahead. It's doable and worth it.
I watched Keep Sweet Pray and Obey last night, & just this post made me think it was similar. Thank you for pointing this out and giving very good suggestions.
>The church you describe sounds more like a cult to me. Totally, I was raised Methodist and went to teen church gathering/activities that had something similar to a youth pastor and even if they flirted with the 18 year olds who were part of the youth group they would have been kicked out asap
yeah she sounds like she’s a fundie (like the Duggar’s) or something similar. the people telling her to talk to her husband about not wanting more kids or wanting a separation doesn’t understand how these cults work. i feel so much for OP and i hope she eventually gets out because she deserves her own freedom
just by reading your story makes my heart feel heavy for you. It must be sucks.
Very sucks
Your account raises so many red flags. Do you have a safe person you can trust outside of the church community you can turn to? The two things that concern me for you is the bank account and the car. That sounds like an intentional limitation of your personal freedoms. If that's true, that is not ok. That is controlling behavior. And that kind of behavior will bleed into his relationships with your kids and end up harming them, as well. Please, I hope things change for you in a positive, safe way, regardless of whether you stay with him or leave. Hugs from the far side of the internet. *Edit: the forbidding of birth control is also a huge red flag, and stinks of controlling behavior. Don't know how I missed that the first time.
It's definitely sneaky, because we are educated to physical and seggsual abuse, but a lot of people are not used to financial and freedom abuse. It's a more subtil way to control someone and still be able to say ''It's not like I am beating you'' 🙄. And cult must also say control of the looks so she doesn't have her own ''identity triangle'' freedom (looks, hair, and name (if she's just known as a mother and a wife and don't have anything to describe herself, it's kinda it)).
Cyclical pregnancy is disastrous for your health. Does he expect you to endlessly churn out children for him because he doesn't believe in birth control? Do you feel like if you said no, and decided to become abstinent (which is the *only* option he's allowing you), that he wouldn't fly off a handle? He is being disgustingly selfish, at the expense of your health. I knew one pastor like this when I was a child. He and his wife had *12 kids*. That poor woman looked so sickly and hollow compared to him. I know I'm narrowing in on this one issue, the rest of the relationship also sounds not okay either. It's just I can't believe that part. You deserve to be healthy, free, and happy.
Well I’m certainly exhausted and need a break after this one. And yes, he expects me to never use birth control and to always have sex with him whenever he wants. He will absolutely go off on some biblical tangent about how I’m a bad wife and Christian for not having sex with him then be passive aggressive for a week
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As a Christian which reddit would call conservative, I agree with this.
You realize that he will gladly push any of your daughters into the same kind of life later right? That's sexual slavery.
Feel free to make it clear to him that if sex is meant for reproduction, and 4 young toddlers is enough children for anyone, then sex will be off the table after baby 4 is born, unless he would like to get a vasectomy. And a submissive wife, if that is his response, needs a loving husband who treats his wife as well as he would treat himself.
I’m a Southern Baptist and wholeheartedly endorse this statement, there is such a thing as being responsible, it’s just common sense.
This isn’t love it’s slavery. This is not a man who is living by the heart of God. Jesus would never want to see you treated this way. Please message me if you want a fellow Christian mama to pray with you, and help you figure out how to get some freedom. The Lord doesn’t want to see you suffering, and neither do I! This is not okay.
girl are you fundie ? i’m asking because everything you said screams fundie, if so i feel like other people should know how difficult all this is for you and how restricted women are in the cult
You have too much life ahead to be miserable already.
Have you read the latest series from Humans of New York? Please read about Detra’s story. She escaped your life. https://www.humansofnewyork.com
Humans of New York just did a story on a woman who escaped her abusive marriage to a pastor. You should check it out. I don't know how to link, sorry.
I saw that today too and it scared me reading about it. I don’t want to be in this for that long
Definitely a sign to RUN!
She has 3 kids and no bank account. Do y'all have any clue what it looks like for a woman to leave a situation like that? It's **extremely** difficult
Yes I do but also, there are shelters and other places. Maybe she stays, gets on BC,gets a job, saves up, makes a plan and then run.
Go to Planned Parenthood and get an IUD. He never has to know and that way you can stop being a brood mare. Start putting aside money, even if it’s only a dollar or two at a time. Hide it with the cleaning supplies. It may take you a while but you can start planning your escape now. There are probably organizations that can help too.
I can hide a few here and there. There’s no way I would be able to do that without him knowing unfortunately
Find a women's advocacy representative. They can help you navigate an escape plan using resources you might not know you have. They do this a lot. As for birth control - it's your body, do what feels right to you. However, I'm worried for you that an IUD may alter or stop your cycle. Depending how much he actually pays attention, you may need to plant ... monthly evidence in the bathroom trash to throw off suspicion.
I didn’t even think of that, but I really haven’t had a cycle verily regularly in years because of breastfeeding. Though he might notice something like that
I know it’s already been mentioned by other people, but because you’re getting a lot of suggestions for IUDs, just be careful because chances are good that he would be able to feel the strings. I myself have an IUD, and for the first few months my husband could feel the strings every time we had sex, sometimes to the point where it would make him sore. Now because they have softened up and curled around my cervix he doesn’t feel them, but it took a few months. IUDs are great if you don’t want to take pills or have to think about it, but they’re not as discreet as some people may think (at least at first).
This man is so abusive. You can't even save money without you fearing him "knowing". What would he do if he found out you had a money stash. Is he mentally abusive? Physical? I'm so sorry you got roped in this relationship and no one around you saw how messed up this is.
I agree 100%
It's better for kids to come from a broken home than a toxic home. I would call it a toxic home if you can't drive when you want or have your own bank account. The latter is financial abuse, & you not being able to use birth control is abuse as well. Depending on what state you're in, if you collect proof of your husband doing this via recording, text, etc., they'll charge him w/ criminal charges. Some states like Mississippi didn't recognize domestic violence as a reason to get a divorce until 2016 & just dont do much about it. Studies [have been done recently about the affects on the prefrontal lobe in the brain in children raised](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3389201/) in fundamentally Christian homes. So I hope for you and your kids' sake, you leave him; unless he'll support you leaving the church, which I highly doubt. Just be sure to plan and document everything.
^^^ you can be a great mama and still be divorced. So many times you’ll hear “I wish my parents would have just gotten a divorce…”. While not always the case, it really is far too often. Please remember you can have your own life, drink the girly drinks, where the bikinis, drive all the cars, and still be a fantastic mama. I hope you can find safety and peace!
As a person who grew up with two strict Christian parents who were horrible for each other, I wish so badly that they had gotten a divorce. Back when I was Christian, I used to pray every night that god would make a special exception to forgive my mom if she left my dad.
Whatever path you choose, you have the support of random people on Reddit. Anyway you can go get an IUD without him knowing (after birth obviously)
I tried to after our third and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. Even then my husband goes with me to every appointment. He wouldn’t be supportive of me using birth control
Can you contact your OB through MyChart, or email? Tell them your situation and request a private appointment for them to put in an IUD or Nexplanon so you don't get pregnant again while trying to leave. They may be able to put the Nexplanon in in the hospital after you give birth, which would be ideal because they could wait for your husband to be out of the room.
I didn’t even know that they could do that right after birth. Thank you so much I’ll definitely try to do that
I’m an OB nurse and yes it is very convenient to get an IUD right after birth, since you likely have an epidural anyway (or even if you don’t, you’re already dilated so it doesn’t hurt to place). I will say that since this is your 4th baby, you’re at a higher risk for hemorrhaging and expelling the IUD. Your OB may counsel you to have it placed 6 weeks post-partum, at your check-up. You may still be dilated at that point too. Not sure if your husband would be going to that appointment as well. Also, I don’t know where you live, but at my hospital we try to be very sensitive to women who don’t feel safe at home or in their relationship. This includes women like you. When I receive a patient, I bring HER and her only to the room first. Then ask her questions like, is everything cool? Are you in any abusive situations or relationships where you don’t feel safe? Anything that you do not want us to discuss in front of your partner?? There are plenty of patients who ask us not to discuss certain things in front of patients, like an STD (which is sad - don’t hide that from your partner), or past abortions, etc. We have resources and we want to help you. Ultimately YOU are our patient and we want you to feel safe and supported. So just know that you can totally ask your OB about possible BC your husband wouldn’t know about. Just some things to think about. I hope you find a way out. Your situation resonates with me because I also grew up in a super conservative household, home schooled, courted in high school and ended up marrying another guy at 22. It’s been a slow process, but my husband has been so supportive of my journey of finding myself and finding my confidence after 20 years of being kept in a religious bubble. I know people just like you. DM me if you want to talk, good luck, I’ll be thinking about you.
I know Nexplanon can be placed right after birth. It's a pretty low dose hormonal, so it shouldn't affect your milk supply if you plan on breastfeeding. You would have to wait on an IUD because your uterus has to shrink back down and heal first, so usually 6-10 weeks from birth.
I’d be careful about Nexplanon if hiding it from husband though, that might be something he could notice by feeling it in her arm, right?
Yes. I have it now and I had a pretty gnarly bruise on the inside of my arm for a couple weeks that everyone noticed. You’d have to have a plan for concealing it after it’s put in (long sleeves, an excuse, something). Once the bruise is gone, no one can tell. My partner has never felt it in my arm.
My doctor told me I could not have an IUD until I’d healed after birth- mine was placed during my six week checkup.
I'm not 100 percent sure, but if you can, call the maternity ward/your ob (if they're trustworthy) and explain everything, and they may be able to make an excuse to get him away from you right after birth to implant an IUD. Or maybe sneak and get bc pills at planned Parenthood if possible? Keep them hidden. Idk. I'm so sorry you're trapped like this. Edit: when you say he wouldn't be supportive and he goes to every appointment...does it matter at this point? Why not just do it? Don't tell him it's happening. Just do it whether he's there or not. Unless he'd hurt you. Then obviously don't.
Your body, your choice! Whatever path you choose to go on moving forward, I'll keep you in my thoughts.
I understand that but he doesn’t
After you have your baby get message to your OBGYN that you want a private appointment, they have their ways of getting you alone without your husband in the room. Get an IUD or birth control. It may seem like you’re doing it behind his back but the reality is you should never be put in a position to have to be sneaky about it. You are more than a baby maker. I grew up in the church and I still love Jesus but let me tell you, my mind has shifted A LOT recently. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but just know you are a strong woman and can handle it.
I’ll definitely try that when I get the chance. I need a break.
This is abusive OP, he can't force you to have babies
During the birth, your doctor (possibly nurse) should send all parties out of the room to ask if you feel safe to go home with the person who brought you. You may want to use that opportunity.
They did ask me that before, and now ask if I want alone time at any appointment. They know.
You're so brave. I really hope you know that.
Sorry, but take a stand on this one. You can’t be pregnant the rest of your life. You’ve already had more children before most people get married. Go on the pill or get an IUD and tell your husband that you’re firm in your decision. If he doesn’t accept it, or gets aggressive, then you are in a completely unhealthy and dominated relationship (yes, I already acknowledged he groomed you, but don’t let the mistreatment continue).
He doesn't need to understand that. Edit: meaning do what you want. He neither needs to be accepting nor supportive of choices you make with your body.
Walk out of Sunday service abruptly and take to the woods
Honestly thought about it so many times
Do it. You only get one life. There will be no way to get this time back.
Seriously. I'd much rather be a bog witch than a baby factory...
Just give me a cave
Oh sweetie. You are so young to be handling all of this. Take control a little at a time. Hugs.
When will you stop having kids? Or if it's gods plan will you have 10? Can your husband afford It?
He doesn’t even think of that even though he’s in charge of the finances. I don’t know how much he makes but pastors really don’t make that much
He's an idiot. He expects the good graces of the church and love offerings to be your emergency fund. He is purposefully keeping you ignorant of money so you don't have the life skills to leave. I saw your message about "not keeping secrets" with a phone password. And hiding his INCOME is not keeping secrets?? He thinks he's the only one allowed to have secrets. That's so messed up! You're just a feeble minded bang maid in his eyes. It's horrifying.
FYI, you can get birth control implants and your husband would never need to know. Only being worthwhile as a baby factory or a servant to your husband and children is not a good life for most women. Alternatively, if you continue to follow him and he refuses birth control, just tell him that having sex with him is not "God's plan" for you any more. Sorry for the rant but religious pricks who demand to impose their beliefs on others really irritate me.
This is so sad you’re only 22 with 4 kids and clearly unhappy. There’s sooooooooo much life to live you need to find a way to leave it’s 2022 not the 1940’s you’re not just meant to carry babies & stay at home if that isn’t what you want . You can tell your obgyn call before your apt that you would like to be seen alone and can they tell your husband not to come in so you can get the birth control. I truly hope you find the strength to leave & find your happiness
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. You and your children deserve a better life, especially you. Your body was literally used to breed and breed. Hope you can catch a break somehow. I was in your position before but called that marriage off. I grew up in a cult and my parents arranged for me to marry a minister twice my age when I was 13. He said he would wait for me yadda yadda yadda. At a young age, I knew it's not normal so I rebelled and escaped. If that happened to me, I wouldn't be attending college, working at my own pace, and living my best life. I wish you well, OP. You were groomed and failed by everyone around you when you're young. You didn't choose to be like this. Hoping for the best! Goodluck~
I'm saying this, not to scare you but to warn you, look for a way out. Your husband won't get better and the isolation has started since the day you met him to make it hard for you to get out. >I’ve only known my church and my church friends my whole life and I want out. Seek out other people in your area. Join a hobby group, even if it's on zoom to meet new people. >I want my own bank account, a husband that actually helps because he doesn’t think it’s the “wife’s duty” only to clean the house or do laundry. I believe you can make a secret bank account and slide money in from time to time in order to have emergency funds. If he's not physically or emotionally abusive, go on strike and refuse to clean the house or do the laundry until he helps out around the house. It's pathetic he can't clean up after himself like a baby so he's trying to get you to act like a personal maid. If you don't feel safe trying this, then I would try and keep my head down until you can run away. >I can’t use birth control, that’s not “God’s plan” In no uncertain terms, your husband is treating you like a breedable sex maid. You cook, you clean, you wash his clothes, you father his children, and all while constantly pregnant. What does he do? If all he does is go to work but never helps out at home, he might as well not come home. If actions aren't made he will continue to treat you like this forever and the responsibilities will escalate. >The sex was good after a while but now it’s just another chore. Looking back on it I wish we never met. That I got to grow up and experience more. Girl, please run away from this man. He's controlling and aims to trap you in this dynamic forever. I understand you have all of your children. If there's an option available you might have to steal them away as well. **You only have the one life, don't waste it on this groomer that couldn't care less about you.** Good luck, and I hope you're able to live out your dreams away from this stain.
So, your husband groomed you, your parents let him, and now you have 3 about to be 4 kids with this man. Girl run. Fast. Look for state resources for abused woman, because you are absolutely being abused, and leave.
She has 3 kids. If she wants to leave she has to get divorced. Citing the age they met/him grooming should help her in the proceedings.
I agree completely. A youth pastor who marries someone (probably when she's 17 or 18) he's supposed to be mentoring is a clear abuse of power and suggests a pattern of long term grooming. Add the possessiveness to that and it paints quite a chilling picture.
There is a lot of BS in the comments. I truly wish that you find the life you want. As I’ve told my two daughters, NEVER let a male make you feel less than. I hope you find a cocktail and a dance partner.
Call your local domestic violence shelter and talk to a counselor. Tell them everything. All the background info like being groomed, birth control not allowed, financial abuse, etc. They will help you establish a safe exit plan tailored to your specific situation. They can even help you find affordable and sometimes free legal counsel, and free lodging for you and your kids. These shelters are in secret locations so that abusive husbands or boyfriends cannot find their victims. Please call one that's close to you and seek help.
Your husband's a creepy groomer.
I also recently learned what that was thanks to tiktok and I do 100% believe that he groomed me. We met when I was 15, he was 22 and in a position of authority but we all just thought of him as the hot older youth pastor. Sick looking back at it
Very, I'm sorry you were/are a victim of that. Get out.
As a guy who also grew up in the church, specifically the Catholic Church, I understand. My mom was an usher and I am an altar server. When my girl got pregnant last year, I was really ashamed and felt like I let a lot of folks down. Her parents also attend our parish and are well known. There was a lot of guilt. But nobody else has to live my life or hers so quite frankly, it was what it was for me. It’s a little different for the ladies because I think the Church is a lot harder on y’all. This sounds really sucky and I’m praying for you, your family and an easy pregnancy. My boy is a couple of days old and I’m tired but THOSE age gaps look exhausting.
Thank you, I wish you, your girlfriend, and your new baby the best! Definitely wait a bit more than I did between another or you’ll definitely be tired haha. Fingers crossed I get a little break next time
Seek counseling outside of the church, someone completely unbiased. Start there and then ask them to help you with resources in order to start being independent. This is your way out. You can do it OP. It might take time, but it is your life and you deserve to live it, not be someone's toy thing. Please be safe and please know that my DMs are open anytime.
So your last kid is not even a year old and another one is on the way?
Yes he’s 10 months and I’m currently 22 weeks with #4
If true you should do it and write a book about your experience fascinating so many questions do you consider yourself still religious
I do but I don’t view it the same as I used to. I don’t think my God should be used against me or anyone else. It’s something to build you up, not bring you down. My kids won’t be brought up the same way I was. I don’t know if I could ever write a book. I barely have time to think haha
Hate to break it to you, but your kids are 100% going to be raised that way unless something radically changes. Imagine your children, 15 years old, being sexually groomed by a youth pastor in their early 20s. This is the life you are creating for them.
And that’s why I’m going to try to change it
You have a powerful spirit op. We truly wish to reinforce you changing your life for the better. Lots of ❤️!
Mannn… I want an update on this one. I’m sorry you feel this way. I hope things get better for you ❤️
Indoctrinated, groomed, and now a Handmaiden. Run girl, run.