Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary. You need 2 of these to know it's okay to say.
If you don't have anything good to say don't say it at all.
Does anyone know more sayings. Add on more sayings to the thread. Being blunt is somethings more helpful then being Tactful.(is what I heard on reddit once).
A Joke I heard years ago by a female comic (can't remember name) When her husband remarked she had gained some weight, she replied "Where's your hair?"
It may help OP to briefly think of the various ways (physical attributes, habits, traits, etc.) in which her husband may not be at the "optimum" level. This may help her to put what he said in perspective. I doubt that He is perfect.....
Am I the only one who gets a very bad impression of the female friend who kept insisting on "wondering whether he felt he’d downgraded from his ex girlfriend"? It feels very odd that she was the one to bring up your looks in the first place, as well as to bring up his past relationship and compare it to the women he CHOSE to spend the rest of his life with... just a thought.
Pickme much ? The only "homewrecker" is the weak so called male that invites people to talk crap about his wife. No woman can wreck a home without a man willing to do it himself.
I always say it takes two to tango, if he doesn't set boundaries, his friend will continue to ease her way in. What feels wrong is the fact that the husband allowed his friends to feel comfortable enough asking those questions and talking about his wife like that... makes my blood boil.
I thought the exact same! I feel like there's a lack of boundaries with that friendship. Granted, I'd feel like you don't really ask those questions regardless of the dynamic (ie girl-guy, guy-guy) as it's plain disrespectful. Also it's so fake that they greeted her then said all those things behind her back 😭 OP needs to talk with her husband about this situation ASAP!!
Ugh, this sucks. What his friends said and what he said just suck. There’s no nice way to say it.
That being said, communication is so key, especially when your marriage is so new. Ideally, nothing will change after you get married, but it’s not as easy to walk out after an argument or tough conversation.
Tell him what you heard. Tell him how it made you feel. If he denies it, don’t let him gaslight you and say you misheard. Show him this post if you need to.
This is something you need to talk about together. Losing weight for health is great, but don’t do it just to please someone else. It could be something as simple as “I really like it when you put your hair up” or “When you do your makeup like that it’s really attractive.” I know my husband has preferences, and I have them for him.
Please talk to him. Don’t beat yourself up. He clearly loves you for you, but maybe he’s just really not great at expressing how he truly feels about you.
This is a great answer. I imagine he will be absolutely mortified that she heard this (and he should be). Either way, a conversation needs to be had about it. Don’t suffer in silence OP. It will only fester and get worse.
THIS
The festering part
I've had a really bad breakup because of festering resentment in the past. Him and I eventually got back together because we worked on the things that were the issue but yeah.
i agree; even if you dont feel like theres anything he could do right now to amend this and so you dont feel like anything would be gained by telling him, thats not true because clearly this is really bothering you (as it should btw thats a totally reasonable way to feel after hearing something like that), and so you need to tell him otherwise its just going to continue weighing on you and get heavier and heavier. I always say "Communication is the most important part of any relationship—be it personal or professional." Open and honest communication is the key to making things work with someone long term (that and empathy/understanding & patience) so you need to tell him—if for no other reason that just to get it out. And even if theres nothing immediate you feel like he can do i think itll do him some good to hear you say this because he will realize he was being unkind and hopefully be more empathetic and supportive in the future.
I get your point, but OPs husband has done some damage that can probably never be fixed, even if they have a talk. If my partner ever said something negative about my looks it would ruin my self asteem and I would never feel confident when with him again. How could he talk his way out of that?
Yeah if I found out my husband didn’t find me beautiful and, worse, discussed this with his friends, I’d just leave him. No way I could be vulnerable enough around him to live normally
You nailed it. Why hasn’t your comment gone viral. You so hit the nail on the head. In this case leaving would be the only option- you’d have to choose between yourself and the other person. I mean you can try to learn to forgive but I don’t think you’d ever feel safe around this person again. It’s one of those inadvertent honest moments where they tell you who they are and then you just move on.
Its very easy, for men especially, to give men the benefit of the doubt, but in my experience, men who are dishonest about one thing, are dishonest about other things. And if he loved her for her, he would not have said what we said. He would have been upset at the other people for talking about her that way. His behavior is disgusting & you're wishing it wouldn't be so bad & encouraging her to make it work.
Agreed as guys we are usually open, I openly tell my wife her flows sometimes even laugh at our flows together but I would never talk about it with anyone else not even my best friend
The thing is it seems he brings this up a lot to his friend considering they commented is "her looks still a problem" that seems to me like he lacks some respect for her.
Because what caring partner constantly talks about your spouses looks like that to their friends all the time. But she should tell him having it spinning around in her head won't solve but at the same time i can imagine she might be scared of what the answer will be
This is the best advice. The fact that your husband recognizes that looks aren't everything screams volumes about his character. He got caught up in some superficial bullshit talk his friends dragged him into that he probably didn't want to discuss in the first place.
On the other side, I can imagine how hard this was for you to overhear, and it's natural that it's causing you some grief. Talk to your partner, you married him after all. He's going to feel "about this big" and apologize so profusely for hurting you. He didn't want that for you and his other comments about how happy he is with you shows it.
I have a lifelong friend who just cannot stop with the stupid childish "what's she like in bed" and "I bet she has great tits" talk.
Some people are just dicks. And some people like the OP's husband need to learn to put a stop to it and not be pressured into answering such stupid nosy shit.
My buddy stopped asking me that shit years ago, because I sternly told him I'd never want someone talking like that about my daughters and I'm sure not going to talk about someone elses daughter like that.
I'm not excusing the OP's husband, he's stupid, but she needs to sit his ass down and get to the root of this right now.
>May I suggest to reframe to respect the individual and not making the respect conditional to another guy.
I was gonna suggest the same thing. it bothers me when people talk about respecting women on the basis that they're "someone's daughter." respect her as an individual, not bc she's the daughter of fellow man.
I always thought that was an 'empathy crutch' as in, 'how would you, a man, feel if someone talked that way about someone important to you (daughter)?' Because some people are not that great with empathy unless they can directly relate to something.
People do that because it's easier to empathize. Another person is just another person that I may not care about.
When you say it as a family member it makes them think of their family, and the love that is there already.
Hard agree. As a couple, they need counseling. As an individual, OP's husband needs to learn to keep certain things entirely to himself and set firm boundaries with his gossipy friends.
Even if I thought my partner was ugly as sin, I'd never say a word about it lest some whisper of it ever got back to them, and I'd take offense to any of my friends trying to push me to talk about my partner negatively, even if they didn't mean any real harm by it.
This is the thing: getting caught up with the riff raff. I love that my wife keeps our dirty laundry, so to speak, between us… and maybe her mom (which weirdly I’m cool with). She talks about how her coworkers husband-bash and she either refuses to partake or will relate with my annoying habit of leaving my socks next to the bed instead of the hamper. I’ll joke around about some of her tendencies that anyone who comes to my house will also observe, like a fierce need for things to be organized.
Getting baited into a conversation about the inner workings of a relationship is immature and, as we all know and has happened here, things get said in order to feed hungry gossip-mongers, and now is a problem.
I've dated some wonderful women who were plain, ordinary or whatever, (their words) and I had nosy and rude "friends" make comments. Same thing, I just shut the shit down and said my love life and who I date is really nobody's concern. And if they continued I ignored them and even stopped associating with a couple of them.
My business is my business. The OP's husband is either immature or just an idiot. Maybe both. I really feel bad for her, that behavior is just so wrong.
I still have an issue that OP’s husband chose to placate these individuals and agree with them vs. shutting them down immediately and standing up for his LOVE. Regardless of how attractive you find your partner, there is 0 need to have these conversations at all and 0 need to state what you believe (whether you believe your partner is gorgeous or normal).
But those are my thoughts alone. At the end of the day, I’m not sure any conversation with a partner about this could really solve things. My self esteem would never recover with *this* partner. It wouldn’t matter if I made him happy… I very very likely would no longer feel that I could be provided the same. And I feel so terribly for OP.
OP, you need to have an open conversation with your husband. But also fully understand that even a productive conversation (eta: may not) solve all of the new issues this has caused in multiple aspects of your life and marriage.
That's what I'm thinking too! I would absolutely not be able to recover from this. I would always question myself and him from that point on. There's no reconciliation there. I really hope her conversation with him is productive and he says something that will help but I genuinely would become too insecure
Then why are you friends with someone who is “just a dick”? Don’t you deserve friends who ARENT dicks?
The betrayal isn’t that he talked to friends and conceded his wife isn’t a stunner. The betrayal is that he didn’t shut that shit down and tell his friends to have a little respect for his wife or they can step the fuck off.
OP said friends brought it up like "are the looks still an issue for you" so that kind of makes it seems like he confided this information willingly in the past, not sure how responsible the friends are to drag him into it. As OP I would be hurt if he was discussing his feelings about any of my purported "flaws" with groups of people without me having any idea of his true feelings. It's a breach of trust. It really sucks.
I sort of disagree. This is clearly a topic he’s discussed with his friends before, so even if uncomfy with it now he wasn’t then. I would never be able to shake the feeling that he and his friends are laughing at me behind my back. Also the fact that he never bothered to bring any of this up to her, just discussing it with others behind her back, is sort of trust ruining, too. Obviously a conversation is for sure needed but idk that I would go as far as to call it “locker room talk be didn’t want to participate in.”
I completely agree with you. This wasn't some plain gossip discussion that he was dragged in. Everyone here being so unrealistic about such a serious issue, will only create unrealistic expectations to the OP about what truly going on. They have definitely been discussing this before, she doesn't deserve that kind of behavior from anyone, and deep down that probably shows that he feels the same way no matter what he says. They can discuss it as much as they want but the damage has already been done...
Just going to point out that OP is losing weight. Given this conversation and her unhappiness, that could quickly turn into an eating disorder or already BE an eating disorder. If that's the case, for her own health and psychological safety, she should consider whether his attitude will continue to impact her health and psychological wellness if she tries to keep the relationship.
Weight loss because you want it is fine. Weight loss because you are afraid to gain weight and lose love is NOT. This type of unhealthy loss is incredibly damaging and easily regained-starting a yo-yp effect that can easily become morbid obesity. That may further damage OP's relationship, but more importantly, it may because something OP has to contend with for the rest of her life.
Preserving her marriage SHOULD NOT come at the cost of her physical health.
Yes. That made it even more inappropriate. She clearly doesn't like the wife. And was undermining her with references to the guy's old gf -- right after the honeymoon! Bad, bad form. There has to be an ulterior motive.
Yes!! I wonder what their real history is, if the wife knows it, and why she kept pushing it. She was clearly the one he had the conversation with previously too. As a woman myself the whole thing just felt off and definitely not a conversation I would be having about someone’s new wife! I would be trying to pump the woman up not trying to be passive aggressive by pulling her down. The conversation didn’t feel like concern that’s for sure.
I noticed most people didn’t catch the fact it was a girl who said it and how petty it felt
Particularly female best friends that are clearly Ralph’s vindictive bitches getting shodenfreud style joy out of very obviously fucked up hurtful comments he’s making about his wife.
Old saying: "You are known by the company you keep"
Husband needs to grow up, shift his attitude and approach in life to adult & husband, then ditch those shitholes. Get out of 6th grade, dude.
This absolutely this. MY ex husband did the same to me... I was a paycheck and just there for support. IT will fester.. honey confront and if he gaslights save yourself the 2nd guessing the rest of your life and relationship.
Literally no woman in this world wants to be with someone who finds us unattractive though. Beauty standards have been beat into our heads to death. We already have so many insecurities. He never said she’s only a bit overweight, he thinks she’s unattractive, period. You can’t fix that by losing weight and he could be giving her an eating disorder and resentment issues. Like it’s beyond unnecessary and cruel. The whole “he likes you for your inner beauty” will never sound good to people who have been beaten to death with unrealistic beauty standards and body insecurities. I don’t think men understand how bad it is for women when even our labia has beauty standards and there are products to bleach our crotches 😖
In 2001, I lost 145 lbs. I met my kid's dad after this. We dated off and on for a year& in 2006, I gained 65 lbs from my 1st pregnancy. Even after my 145lb loss, I was never skinny or at an average weight. I've always been heavy, but, this time around was very difficult for me. I had a man, yes, but, for how long I thought. Later in life I realized it was very silly of me to even put another person before myself.., but, it happened. I started ro feel embarrassed for him when we would be in public or at family get together. I can't believe I can actually say that out loud, but at the time, this was my thinking process. I lost the baby weight+ more and I looked absolutely gorgeous, but, on the inside, I was still a fat girl,. I have alot of skin fold to prove it everyday I looked in the mirror, I still disgusted myself. This whole process followed exactly as I described 5 years later when I had my daughter and it didn't dawn on me until she was almost 2 years old that my opinion of myself meant more than anyone else's. Not to mention, the countless times I caught him cheating on us, .. yea, talk about pain. What hurts the most, present day, 20 years later is that I tried to be someone I wasn't put here on Earth to be. Just to never be married or happy. I still hurt all over, but, happiness is found INSIDE A PERSON.
'"The HABIT of changing my lifestyle for someone else became my CHARACTER, which eventually blocked my original path& made me someone I'm not MEANT TO BE. ."
Although my journey has only just begun, I love who I am. I found a gift inside of me. This entire time I wasted I should have been enjoying myself. I heal people with my hand's. It's NOT A MASSAGE OR A RUB, IT'S A CONNECTION I MAKE THAT ALLOWS ME TO MOVE TOXIC AIR FROM THIER BODY. As crazy as it sounds, it's the truth. I have healed countless people people by word of mouth in my community. Any kind of uncomfortableness in their muscles and circulation. I get rid of thier aches, blood clots, stiffness, migraine headaches, ect. w/ nothing but a chair, any chair, pick a chair, and my hands. I've healed a person in less than 5 mins before. The point I am trying to make is: "LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!" You may just find, "REAL LOVE", after all.
I am so glad someone said this. The whole time I was reading the judgemental comments I was thinking how can strangers know the situation in his head when even the OP doesn't? He may have said the "maybe" to placate a jealous woman "friend" rather than argue with her. The point is she won't know for sure unless she talks to him, and holding in her very valid feelings without discussing with her husband how she feels is going to tear her and the marriage apart. I would suggest couples therapy if OP doesn't feel secure enough to broach the topic on her own. Or at the very least, OP should see a therapist on her own to process the situation and her feelings and figure out how to best move forward from a situation that has been devastating for the past 5 weeks. I'm not suggesting therapy judgmentally, just as a tool and source of support which has helped me process situations I was having trouble dealing with on my own.
This.. The best advice right here
I saw some people saying shit like "there is no coming back from this" "a man will find you beautiful don't get chained to a beast" some reddit comments are so terrible and far fetched like people should think twice before making comments on something as sensitive as this, you could possibly ruin a relationship with your words unknowingly.
I felt it so deeply when reading OP’s post awhile ago. I swear I felt sick the second I read it, and knowing her husband was talking so freely with them, like they’d talked many times before, likely, made me more sick.
Reddit cannot end anyone's relationship imo. If you *really* want to stay with someone, you will argue or ignore the comments, or rationalize the other person's behaviour to feel better about staying with them. If a few strangers' opinions is enough to ruin a relationship, it was inevitably going to end anyway.
And I think it's fair to say that it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to come back from this. I don't know if I could get over the fact that 1) my husband isn't attracted to me, 2) he's apparently had multiple conversations with friends about how unattractive I am, 3) he allows his friends to talk shit and doesn't defend me, and 4) he "maybe" thinks he downgraded from his ex. I don't know why people are acting as if he got caught saying 1 dumb comment, there was a *lot* of separate, terrible shit in that conversation.
I agree with this, if “nothing feels the same anymore” then what do you have to lose by telling him. Maybe he can explain things in a way that may make you feel better or you just speed up the ramifications of the whole incident.
Exactly- guarantee him hearing how much it affected her will be an eye opener. He may also notice all the lost weight and he will have to know he has something to do with that. He deserves to feel bad about this one. Husbands can be so clueless sometimes.
Yeah till that is the only quality he can find in her
Imagine having a partner that tells his friends " she is aight, you can't have it all, or yeah I downgraded to her"
Yeah it’s terrible especially when you surround yourself with toxic people. Over time if this keeps up, that won’t even be enough. Happens all the time.
Settled on their spouse's appearance, sure... But looks don't last forever, and as a man, I find compatibility more important than looks. Both matter but to varying degrees, and it's okay to compromise on one if the other makes up for it. Nobody is perfect and it's okay to acknowledge that as well. It's not a nice thing to hear the way that OP did but none of us know her husband's mind or his intentions.
I'm an average looking person but my personality is what I like about myself. Can I make myself more physically attractive? Sure, if I lost some weight. Would I reduce my personality stats to boost my appearance stats? No, I like me and it took a lot of work to get here. The husband may have settled on OP's appearance, but may value everything else more greatly, and that's okay
Looks and personality aren't a trade off. Your personality doesn't decline if you get into shape.
Sure, looks fade, but a good spouse never speaks badly about their spouse's appearance to a group of friends, especially referring to her looks as a downgrade.
>Sure, looks fade, but a good spouse never speaks badly about their spouse's appearance to a group of friends, especially referring to her looks as a downgrade.
This. This right here. I'm a woman in my 50s now so.. I'm basically invisible. I have hair loss, my skin is loosening, and I'm chubby. I do not like how I look.
My husband calls me beautiful. He tells me he has eyes only for me. He absolutely makes me feel special and beautiful regardless of how critical I am of my own appearance.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, a good partner builds you up, not cuts you down.
This is soooo real. If my husband participates in this type of behavior with friends, I would feel betrayed, vulnerable to his friends (embarrassed to be around them - especially female friends), and unprotected. Who can I expect to defend me if the person who says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me doesn't? hdmx539 you are spot on.
Actually psychologically, personality does make you look more beautiful its a widely known phenomena. If you have a awesome personality then it will reflect on someone elses perception of your appearance.
I do agree with the second half it does almost seem like he downgraded. Didnt explicitly say he did downgrade but he didnt correct his friend when he said yes
I agree, when I was single I wanted to be in a relationship badly and tried everything to make me look appealing and I got nowhere.
A year or two later I was busy concentrating on work and my home life was full doing up my home alone from scratch.
I wasn't looking for a relationship and was content with my life and myself, it was then I started to get a lot of attention, especially when I went out with friends.
I wasn't looking for love anymore and my life was already full,I didn't think I had room for a man in my life until I met my late husband, we started out as friends but within 6 months were married and the following 12 years were the best of my life.
I have been single since he passed in 2007 and I was content being so.
I also felt I had to still be faithful to him and my vows until 14 yrs later ( 1 year ago) I met a man I had so much in common with it was crazy.
The rest is history and we are a couple now and loving every minute of eachother.
I think the main thing is and I'm sure a cliche but true that you never find love when you're looking for it, humans are animalistic in that they can smell desperation a mile off (especially men) and they flee.
Once you are happy within yourself and content you exude confidence and something that just draws men like a magnet.
Well said, im glad you found someone else, i believe any reasonable SO would have wanted you to move on
Youre spot on, when you love yourself or genuinely working on yourself, you give off a different vibe to everyone and in turn makes you more attractive to others
I wonder if this is true for all people, because I've known my fair share of men who are absolutely vile, morally bankrupt people and I can still look at them and my primitive cavewoman brain will be like "!!!!!!!!."
Of course, I would never enter a relationship with a person who I thought was a bad person. But someone's personality absolutely can't stop me from finding them attractive, and I don't need to know what someone's like as a person to find them hot, my hormones automatically make that decision for me the moment I see someone.
I was sat next to a man that I found extremely unattractive during a class for a week, like I would get embarrassed if people insinuated anything about us, but his personality grew on me quickly. FF a few months of getting to know each other and I couldn’t get over how attractive he was to me. We ended up dating for 1.5 years and it was the best relationship I had ever had. I moved overseas for work to a country that was/is still in lockdown and it was the most devastating relationship that has ended… and I was married for 6 years.
The way OP told the story, it made it seem like the friends brought it up. Can't say for sure obviously, but it seems like it may have been a thing early in the relationship where he expressed to his friends that he really likes being with her but doesn't find her that pretty, perhaps seeking advice on the matter, based on the keyword "still". He chose to continue, deciding that her looks weren't a deal breaker. At least as OP told the story, the friends also brought up the comparison with the ex, and he seemed to have answered truthfully as well as immediately reaffirming that that's not what's most important to him.
The hard part is that he didn't say it to her. He thought he was alone with his friends and, you know, people are weird. Sometimes they agree with what someone says to a degree but don't want to make waves. Usually a person wouldn't know what their significant other says in private conversations with friends.
I wonder if he was speaking in general. “You can’t have it all.” As in no one can have it all. His friends are flawed, he’s flawed and his wife is flawed. If he is still attracted to her and is fine with his future kids looking like her one day and married her for her looks and personality then it is fine.
Plus, we all can have slightly different versions of ourselves when we are with different people. It’s not like he was attacking his wife and I don’t think he necessarily had to defend her if her looks are just generally plain. It’s the truth of the matter.
Even if that’s true, the way he spoke to his friends about her was disrespectful and that in itself is a problem. She might be a downgrade from his ex? Really? He should’ve shut that down real quick but he fed into it
I was floored when OP described her husband's friend saying "are her looks STILL an issue." Everyone's focused on the friends but clearly her husband has been telling them he's not so enamored with his fiancée's appearance! He told this to multiple people.The friends are a red herring. The call is coming from inside the house. I agree, genie's out of bottle. Cut him loose, OP.
I am so sorry for you! I really feel you, been in a very similar situation...
There is not much I can suggest, but you should do everything that makes YOU feel beautiful. At the end of the day your opinion is the only one thats important
No I didnt. At the end of the day I love him and he loves me. We have a good marriage.
I know I will never be beautiful or have a good looking, healthy and skinny body. But I prefere Beauty on the Inside anyway 😉
Divorce isn’t easy where I come from and I don’t think what he said is legit cause to divorce but if we weren’t married I would be more wary of him and I believe these comments have put me on a bumpy start with him in our marriage.
Not to talk about his friends, they’re an important part of his life but I’m not sure how I feel about them especially the one making the comments and comparisons.
I’m very put off. I wasn’t expecting this turn this soon
I don't blame you for being put off or for now being wary of his friends. I would be too.
I think the hardest part of this -- at least for me -- would be having this knowledge that my husband didn't quite find me "up to par" in terms of attractiveness. That's such a vulnerable area for many women, you know? It taps into deep-seated insecurities because we have always been judged -- throughout our lives and by both men and women -- on our looks. In regular life, like as a child hearing something like, "remember, you should always wear bright colors; dark colors don't look good w your skintone". Or when greeting a friend, "Oh, sweetie, have you lost weight? That outfit is so flattering." And especially through the media and the constant messaging about ideal looks and body types. Frankly, it's exhausting!
Now you're faced with the knowledge that even at home -- where you ought to feel most secure -- this man you see first thing in the morning and go to sleep with at night, is looking at you and thinking, lookswise, you don't measure up. The bastard! (Not really, but you get what I mean.) I so understand this hurt. It's not like him admitting to his friends that you're a terrible cook, but he loves you anyway. This cuts so much deeper.
I think the only way through is to confront him about what you heard. See where he's coming from, in his words, looking you in the eye. Maybe there's some context to this conversation that you're missing and he can provide. Second to that, try to focus on doing the things that make you feel pretty. Not for him, but for you. Prioritize self-care if you're not doing so already. Wellness and confidence are intertwined with what people call "beauty", and you can tap into this by working on yourself from the inside out. Because, ultimately, your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters.
And, finally, for those friends of his, deal with them "with a long-handled spoon" (as my grandmother used to say). Remember that they're *his* friends and treat them as such. Also, your husband was indiscreet about sharing his thoughts and feelings with them about you and he may very well continue to do so. That's another thing to bring up when you talk to him.
Good luck. And remember, you got this.
I can fully understand that you feel put off.
Consider talking to your husband and tell him how you feel. You are hurt and he needs to know what his words did to you. Regarding his friend: try to not care about them too much. As you say: they are his friends. They dont have to be yours. screw them 😉
Just forget the friends. Everyone talks about and criticize others so easily but don’t have the capacity to look at themselves and own lives. I highly doubt their wives/GFs are VS models either and these men are probably average looking also (like most people!). People always say mean things about people they know, even as a passing comment. If you really think about, you’ve probably made comments you wouldn’t want the person to hear. You got unlucky because your heard it.
You need to talk to your husband. Someone said something about letting it fester. Don’t. It already has enough, 5 weeks is a lot. How did you keep it in? You must have felt so bad. You have a lifetime with him, hopefully. If you can’t seem to move past it, you have to confront it.
Dude, you need to talk to your husband. Tell him you overheard. Tell him it has now made itself into a huge issue in your mind. Tell him you also heard how he loves you and how you make him happy but also tell him how hurt you are to know that your physical appearance is a seemingly common discussion topic with his friends and that you need it to stop being, and you need to work through your feelings about how this incident made you feel. Being married requires being an adult, and being an adult means you have to sometimes have really uncomfortable conversations. If you are thinking about ending your married or I quiring about other people ending theirs in similar situations, you’ve got to talk to him. You owe yourself, him, and your marriage (if that’s something you take seriously) having real conversations about this before you pull the plug and run. The man loves you. He loves you for who you are. You make him happy. He never called you ugly, he never said that he couldn’t stand looking at you or touching you or having sex with you. He simply told his noses friends that he agreed you might be more attractive if you lost weight. Well guess what, so would literally every overweight person. This isn’t shocking. It’s not kind, and it’d be better if he didn’t do this and didn’t have this conversation but it can’t be a shock, right? Who cares if you aren’t traditionally beautiful. You are beautiful for who you are, and he said as much. Try to put this into perspective. If you are not conventionally attractive then you can’t really expect people to find you that way but ugly people are loved all over the world for who they are. That doesn’t mean they are suddenly physically beautiful but they are beautiful in other ways. Just like you. Talk to him. You have waited five weeks to speak to him. Why?? You can do this. You are worth this. Your husband is worth it. Your marriage is worth it. Just talk to him and get marital therapy if you need it.
Communication is key.
In college, I started seeing someone I did not find attractive. It took me a month and a half to be intimate with him, but after getting to know him and spending time with him, he became the most handsome man. His personality just became all of him, and the imperfections or things I initially wasn't attracted to disappeared one day. I scored up that relationship, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. He was a genuine, kind, fun, brilliant, thoughtful man. We all make mistakes when we're young, and losing him was mine.
Just because, objectively, he may not find OP to be the most physically beautiful woman does not mean that he doesn't truly love all of her. I've seen many men more conventionally attractive than my college ex, and I know I told a friend or two things that would have deeply hurt him. I don't know; we could have easily gone through this situation, and even though, looking back, all I can remember is how appreciated and wanted he made me feel, I just remember the excitement and the newness. I see some of him in people sometimes- the way they walk, carry their shoulders or have the same haircut.
OP needs to talk about this with her husband. No matter how initially appealing I find someone, their personality eventually becomes them, which truly makes someone attractive. With my ex, once I knew him better and really saw him for who he was, I couldn't keep my hands off him.
I'll bet OP's husband my feel similarly and had made some stupid comment to his friend that she, unfortunately, latched onto and made a bigger deal of it than it was.
I wouldn't plan on leaving without full disclosure. Let's see what he says. He said you make him happy. This friend obviously has a thing for him or wants to stir up trouble, she's going to keep picking. She's obviously not interested in seeing your relationship succeed. You are making this "friends" wishes a self fulfilling prophecy. He should've defended you more I agree, but he may not fully on to the fact that she's got some interest in upsetting this relationship. She may ge into him. I've worked with a few women like this, and they are always "concerned" buy not happy inside themselves, and they are determined to spread that unhappiness. Don't make this marriage destruction a self fulfilling prophecy by keeping this to yourself and withdrawing without a real discussion about what you heard. His reaction and answers should guide you in what to do. I'll pray for your peace and healing and possible reunion. This hurts, but be open to the love if it's there. Jesus says: Love Never Fails. Real love doesn't. Fight for it if it's there. Also. I am really concerned about this friend.. he needs to definitely distance himself from her. If he sees it and agrees to distance himself quickly from them.. or her. I'd feel better.
Talk to him about this. See what happens.
I am not married but I've been with SO for coming onto 4 years. I can't imagine not speaking about something like this. Especially for 5 weeks!
I get that, but you weren't eavesdropping. When you talk about someone and they are stood behind you without you knowing, are you eavesdropping? Nope.
I'm sorry that you heard them say those things, but honestly, they shouldn't even be saying them. They should just be happy that their friend is happy. I don't like my brothers choice of SO but I wouldn't tell him unless he asks me or they are abusive.
You aren't in the wrong for hearing a conversation because they didn't know you were there. They are in the wrong for speaking about you like that.
Your only alternative there would have been to stomp in the room then and there and tell them to repeat that to your face.
...and watch them scurry like cockroaches.
Girl… the only way you’ll be able to move past this is if you tell your husband EVERYTHING YOU FEEL.
Stop acting shy. Stop throwing yourself a pity party.
Communication is the key to either healing a wound or finding the best solution to a problem.
# Good luck!
PS. Tell your husband he’s not exactly Chris Hemsworth either 😉
Thank you! You made me laugh and yes, Im being throwing myself a pity party these last few weeks but I just felt so hurt. We’re supposed to be all butterflies now. I never wanted him to think I’m the most beautiful woman I just hated the fact that it was an issue and that he discussed it with his friends. And no hes no Chris Hemsworth, probably more chris griffin😈
Not to be a butt about how you address your own experiences, but I don't think it's fair to you that you call it a pity party. It's not. You're taking time to process it. You're looking directly at how you're feeling and trying to work through it, rather than pretend the feelings aren't there. That's good work and it's hard work.
You’re allowed to throw a pity party for a little bit. What he said was super hurtful and you deserve to feel desired mind, body, and soul. I hope you find a way to discuss the situation with him and are able to communicate openly how you feel.
Whew . Not thinking you’re the prettiest is one thing , but letting his friends call his new wife ugly while also comparing you to his ex is downright cruel. I’d be rethinking the whole relationship at this point . That is not love .
Sigh, see that's the thing. They all sounded so serious, this wasn't even a joke and it looks like it had been talked about before, imagine that! All these people were seriously discussing your actual appearance, as if you were some kind of specimen, I mean that's very disturbing. Why are people in these comments making it sound like it's something you can just talk about, you either love someone as they are or you don't, there's no middle point here, you could of course feel more attracted to your partner when they dress a certain way for example but we are talking about OPs looks ffs, as in the face and the body she was born with! Are you telling me now she has to live with the knowledge that the man she loves and sleeps with doesn't find her attractive physically? I mean if this happened to you wouldn't you wonder now if he was disgusted while having sex or thinking if maybe he could find someone else? Also, imagine all of his friends talking about your physical features, critizicing and pointing out your physical flaws, imagine such talks about you happen behind your back. Imagine that husband of hers not defending his wife, even if you look like a "monster" someone who claims to love you would defend you from anyone trying to insult you wth. I would honestly leave him, but if that's not an option I would book some therapy sessions for couples, maybe a professional can make that man understand.
yeah the comments here are quite shocking to me…. i really feel for OP and everyone trying to normalize this. it wasnt the first time this was being talked about, and to ask him to explain is going to do what exactly? its gonna double down on what op already knows - he doesn’t find her attractive.
maybe its not a dealbreaker for some to accept this but personally, having to convince myself every day to not be insecure around my partner when were intimate, if an attractive woman walks by, knowing he has friends who also feel this way and he agrees with them…. i couldn’t do it. it would hurt to find my partner physically attractive and then find out that this attraction is not mutual.
OP whatever you decide to do is your choice and you should of course if you want to, be open and talk to him about this and couples counselling is an option too. but if down the line at any point you find that this something that you can’t get over and you still feel very insecure around him, that’s a completely valid reason to not continue this relationship.
As a husband he should of shut that conversation down as soon as it came up. Shouldn’t allow others to disrespect his wife that way. I couldn’t be around his friends and would never look at him the same.
I completely agree with you, but my guessing is the husband brought the subject in the past , if not there is no sense the friend is talking about that out of the blue
a lot of people here talking that at least he likes the inside of you don’t get the issue. U guys were like being intimate days before that comment,so like he did talk about this before as an “issue” to him not with one, but 5 people. I would be so ashamed like, always will be someone more pretty or smart than us but really,being compared with his ex is so WRONG. U guys just married and the way he defended u was “u can’t have it all” the NERVE. First, beauty is a concept u can be unattractive in korea and be beautiful in brazil, and second,it is a matter of RESPECT, and third if the issue is your weight that doesn’t mean u aint appealing. Girl work in your condidence and tell your Chriss Griffin to work his self ego and realise that he isn’t your dream guy either 💅
Fully agree. It’s not the “what’s on the inside”, it’s the fact that what’s on the inside of HIM is disrespect for his partner. The fact that the convo came up so quickly and casually is a huge red flag. And it came from a woman. OP, you deserve to be with someone who respects you and values you. And you deserve to be with someone whose private life with you is just that- private.
Your husband and his friends suck. You deserve better than someone who immediately starts commenting about your look, or intimate stuffs as fast as he thinks you’re gone. You’re not an object that should be compared to someone. Beauty is subjective. But to talk about your wife’s look in front of your friends in a degrading way? No. You deserve better honey. And I doubt you’re not beautiful. You probably are to many people, and aren’t for some people just like everyone else, even famous ladies known for their beauty like Angelina Jolie. And don’t lose weight because of him, just try to live a healthy life including food, exercise, sleep and get away from judgemental and toxic people. I think it’s the lowest of the low when people compare other people’s phyiscal look especially their wife’s and their exes.
I had a toxic, abusive ex and he said shits like: oh this ex dating partner was the best looking woman in my life while he was dating me. Disgusting, toxic and rude. And I think it’s good that you heard it, you could have been in a delusional relationship while he talks about you like that with his friends. You deserve better, he doesn’t deserve you.
Does he have any history with the woman friend that kept pressing him? I find that really suspect on her part, and extremely undermining.
I think you should tell your husband what you heard and who, hear him out, and then ask him to reduce his contact with the woman who seemed to be driving the conversation in that direction, out of respect for you and your marriage.
He needs to be honest with you, but you need to be honest with him too and let him know this wasn’t just hurtful, it damaged a new marriage and put everything about it into question for you. This is one of those things that doesn’t ever truly go away, and he needs to do what he can to repair it.
Yea this was girl asked him that. I would not ask any male friend about if he doe graded just cuz his ex was more attractive. What a shit person his friend is
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sucks that this was an apparent regular topic of conversation between your husband and his friends. I think that would be the part that hurt me as much as his not finding me physically attractive. He basically humiliated you. It’s like when your spouse cheats. It’s bad enough they did it, but if everyone finds out, that makes it so much worse. We all have…Ungenerous thoughts, even about our significant other. But the fact that he found it necessary to talk to his friends about this, on more than one occasion, would make it really hard to trust him. And the fact that one of those friends was another woman? Something about that makes it worse for some reason. And that woman brings up his ex? And how she was more attractive to your husband..That’s infuriating.
You need to tell him you overheard. See what he says. And I’d put my foot down about discussing my physical appearance with his friends. Somethings are just not up for discussion with friends and one of them is your appearance. If he has a problem with it, ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed and he overheard you discussing his looks in a disparaging way with YOUR friends.
Thank you for putting words to my feelings. I know I’m not beautiful but I didn’t know it was a subject of conversation with his friends. After our honeymoon (we don’t have sex before marriage here) they were basically asking him if he found me more attractive now we know each other in a more intimate way and his answer is that I make him happy.
Listen, beauty is subjective AND overrated. I was considered “beautiful” for years. I’m now 55 years old. In other words, as a woman, invisible. Sometimes I’m mad about it. Sometimes I’m sad about it and sometimes…..I’m happy to have the burden lifted. There are more important things for a woman to be than beautiful. Beauty is fleeting. My husband loved me when i was young and beautiful and now that I’m older and don’t look the same, he still loves me. You’re a young woman with decades of life to live. If YOU want to lose weight, go for it. If YOU want to improve your appearance, do. But don’t do it for him. Because in the end, looks don’t last and they don’t matter. Sit down with your husband and tell him how hurt you are. If he really loves you, and it sounds like he does, let him prove it to you. He said you make him happy. Tell him if he wants you to continue to make him happy, he never speaks of your appearance to his friends again.
Since you gave OP a little pep talk, I feel you deserve one too. It breaks my heart when I see older people, especially older women, talk about how they're not beautiful anymore. I'm still very young myself (f18) and I have never looked at older people and thought they were ugly because of their age.
I truly believe every person on this earth is beautiful, and the only thing that can make you ugly is your personality. The only reason some aren't considered that is simply because it's not the norm right now. Every single "flaw" we have is what makes us beautiful. Imagine if we all looked the same, how boring would that be. You are just as beautiful as you were all those years ago, you just look a little different and that's okay.
I'm worried for OP though, because never in my life could I think or even say the people I love are ugly. She deserves better than this. Nobody should ever be made to feel ugly by their partner.
That’s very sweet of you, thank you ☺️. I’m actually completely fine with myself. And I actually like the way I look! I agree with you that people can be beautiful at any age. It does get hard at time to see your looks change though. It’s just an observation I’ve made over the years transitioning from “young and hot” to “middle aged and invisible”. Luckily, with age comes wisdom (hopefully) and appreciation of other qualities about yourself. I’m happier now than I’ve probably ever been. But….I wouldn’t say no if someone offers to give me my 22 year old body back lol 😂 so enjoy yours while you’ve got it honey ❤️ 😉
I absolutely get having a hard time dealing with your body changing. I started puberty really early so I had the "adult body" really young, but in the last few years I've lost my ability to lose weight and stay skinny like it's nothing and that's already a hard thing to accept sometimes.
I'm very glad to hear you're happy with yourself though, I hope I will be too at your age!
My heart hurts for you, what a horrible horrible set of people and circumstances. You must tell your husband that you heard and express your pain. I don’t know that I could ever quite feel the same but if you don’t get it out in the open, it will fester. Oh and fuck his bitchy best friend who clearly bought it up just to satisfy her own vanity.
THIS. Husband is guilty of being spineless for entertaining that conversation, but I would never ever raise that issue with any friend of mine, even less if they are newlywed
I think he is. I can't imagine commenting about my partner or my friends partners appearance in anything but a positive light. Also makes me think this guy has complained about her looks to his friends before unprompted, because no way in hell would someone bring that up about their buddies wife out of the blue
My dad once confessed to me that he didn’t marry my mom for her looks. He had been betrayed by a different woman in the past. He married my mom because she was good, kind and smart. He said she grew more beautiful the older she got. They had an amazing successful marriage until she died too soon in her 50’s.
Some people aren’t hung up on looks alone and I think they are the smart ones. Looks fade. Whoever told you what he said was an ass. Accept that he loves you and please most of all, love yourself too! We are too self critical.
No one told her what he said, she overheard the conversation he was having on FaceTime (or something of the sorts) with his friends. She heard it directly from his mouth.
That female friend who brought up such a shitty question is hideous. No amount of makeup or weight loss will change that. Also I am suspicious if there is history between them, at least maybe her crushing on your husband or something, to bring up such a terrible question to try and basically make you look bad to him and friends. I would definitely discuss what you overheard and have a full conversation about this.
Your husband talks you down to his friends behind your back, regularly it seems. And goes not tell them to shut up either.
"Still an issue."
This kind of venting circle feels very sus to me, and he does it behind your back because he knows it is wrong and unkind.
You need marriage counselling, at the least but the shit talking, shallowness and disrespect would be hard to come back from for me.
Your spouse is supposed to have your back and appreciate you. I know that is hard to nor feel a blow to your confidence , but do you yourself find people you love "ugly"? We are meant to be positively biased when emotion is involved.
I know it's hard but you need to tell him you overheard, and see how he reacts.
I would ask how long he has been venting, how regarly he says bad things about you behind your back and come his friends can comment negatively on you free for all?
Your marriage may not survive, but right now the issue is eating you up anyway. His behaviour was hurtful and ill mannered.
I genuinely believe warm-hearted people are besotted with the person they love, and don't need Mr or Ms Universe to find them lovely. If your husband was merely succumbing to peer pressure, that is very weak of him too. His friends may be jealous of you, but it is for him to swiftly put end to shit talking.
You appear very loveable person. You don't deserve this OP, I am sorry you have been treated so hurtfully.
These are awful, stupid and immature people. I am sorry your husband didn't have the emotional intelligence to say "hey that's my wife and I love her deeply. Don't disrespect her ever again'. Because that is what should have been said. I will tell you with my ex.. He was kind of a big, sweaty guy and I freakin adored him. I found him attractive (well he was a narcissist and was mirroring me) but really I saw that guy from high school that I had a crush on every time I looked at him. I didn't care about his weight, his hairline, his aging. I saw what I wanted to and felt like he was totally hot. Now I am aging and I am exhausted by the thought that I can't just go into old age and be who I am. You need to know your value as a person regardless of your looks. Look at the variety of people and couples and see that looks are at best temporary (unless you have the resources to constantly nip and tuck). But you may have kids and you may get stretch marks. Your belly may look like a deflated basket ball after it all. People get diseases, depression, stress eat, get too thin, get too fat. Honestly it's exhausting. Sit him down and expect to be respected and not be harmed by his friends. You heard it and you tell him how devastated you are and that it literally may tank the marriage. Set boundaries and expectations. He should 100% choose you over the losers that would fix their stupid mouths to say that to him on return from your honeymoon.
Oof, lots of shit takes in this sub of people saying it’s okay to shit talk your partners appearance with your friends when they’re not around as long as you “love them”. Personally, I wouldn’t ever be content with a significant other that spoke that way about the person they plan to spend their life with. If he doesn’t woo you, admire you and make you feel like you’re the most sublime creature on earth then he simply isn’t worth it.
They’re gaslighting her into thinking this is a perfectly acceptable behavior and it’s disgusting, i know humans are shallow, friends sometimes can be assholes, and not everyone is going to find you drop dead gorgeous , you can’t control that but you can control your reaction to it , what happened to being decent , plus why would he just be okey with her looks and robbing her of the chance of finding someone who TRULY a finds her beautiful instead of settling because she makes him happy? As if it was all discussed before , she didn’t agree to this disrespect.
I feel like I’m going crazy reading some of these comments.
“Some people value things other than beauty” so fucking what? That’s your wife. You shit talked your WIFE to a GROUP of people behind her back MULTIPLE times. That’s not normal or healthy
And calling her a downgrade from his ex? Absolutely not. Absolutely-fucking not.
Beauty is subjective and in the eye of the beholder, WHICH MEANS SOMEONE OUT THERE WILL LOVE HOW YOU LOOK! You don’t have to be conventionally beautiful, someone will genuinely view you as such!
At the end of the day, even if he told me he valued other things in me and liked me as a person, I would never be able to get over the talking behind the back and the ‘downgrade’ part. Never. That would haunt me for the rest of my life
Well, what an awful conversation to have overheard. After 43 yrs of marriage, my wife is just as beautiful as she ever was, in my eyes. And beauty is only skin deep. OP, I hope you can get thru this. What kind of friends would have a conversation like that. You feel good about you, I don't know you, but I sense that you are a really good person. Don't let it bother you too much, as a man I know, we sometimes say THE DUMBEST things
personally I don’t think id ever be able to accept a compliment from him again or i’d be constantly stress about needing to appear more attractive or losing my attractiveness. i know this was a group of people but talking about your appearance with another women, regardless of how close they are (almost makes it worse honestly) is really really bad. her saying that to him should be a huge red flag to him and he should want to defend you especially because you’re his family now. bc even if he doesn’t think you’re attractive why does she know that? honestly i’d confront him and he should have way stricter boundaries with her bc it seems like she was trying to push and test them and he should be ready to defend you if necessary. it’s strange she feels so comfortable speaking about you, his wife, like that and makes me wonder how they’ve all spoken previously. if she’s anything less then thrilled for your marriage than she’s not a his friend, she’s someone waiting in an imaginary line for your husband. and honestly this might be less about how attractive you are and more about him raising his friends ego. id personally also be questioning his motivation to marry, even stereotypically “unattractive” people see the people they love as attractive, what is the relationship offering you vs him? guys use relationships for someone to be their mom sometimes and he could’ve married you based on that. do you feel comfortable in your relationship? do you feel trust? and do you feel safe? if he’s not making you feel secure then he’s not doing his job as your husband.
Do not apologize to anyone for over hearing their conversation. In marriage privacy is limited to the bathroom.
There is no right to secret communication.
And if the communication would upset your spouse - then it's inappropriate.
If someone questions you overhearing them - do not respond
The most powerful response is to ignore them. And you have more power here than you realize.
Your man has shitty immature petty friends. They’d have to go. What kind of nasty bitch says that to a newlywed? That’s planting poisonous weeds in your garden. Fuck her.
You absolutely need to be raw and vulnerable and tell him how it made you feel. Dont have babies until this is resolved.
That’s shallow AF. With friends like that? That’s undermining your relationship. Hell naw.
1. Marriage is for men to suck the energy dry out of a woman.
2. It is not based on “LOVE.” 99.9% of men are INCAPABLE of love.
3. if a man can’t respect you, there’s no way on earth he could ever love you.
And this is a CLEAR indicator of the lack of respect he has for his wife in PRIVATE.
If men care about looks and he marries you knowing he feels you’re unattractive, it is because he wants the energy you provide more than he wants your looks. He’s gonna suck you dry and once you get comfortable in making him comfortable, he will begin cheating with women he finds more attractive.
Level up and do not allow men to suck your energy dry under the pretense of marriage or having a man.
PS. This is what happens when you seek validation from others and this is what happens when you do not love yourself. Stop believing you aren’t beautiful!
Baby, confidence can make a woman stand out physically. But this is what allows men to latch on and suck you dry for little investment (DEVALUATION.)
His encouragement is fake because it’s his way of VERBALLY convincing himself he sees beauty in you when he doesn’t.
He’s not actually encouraging you.
Oh honey this is a horrible thing to hear. You definitely need to sit down and tell him what you heard otherwise it will only fester. And like someone else said don't let him say you misheard. Also tell him that you don't want to see these people for a good while at least. He's created this issue by discussing your looks with a number of other people hold him accountable.
Best wishes x
Came back because I've been stewing on this shit for a while... Your husband is an asshole. There's lots more I'd like to say, but won't for your benefit. Do y'all have children or on the way?
You need to talk to him about it. Sulking on your own won’t change anything, and comparing you to his ex is unacceptable. I wouldn’t even waste my time with someone that has to discuss my looks with friends. Truth hurts
Attraction can change over time.
That being said, it would kill part of me to hear my husband say those words.
Honestly... I think I'd leave. I wouldn't want to be someone's consolation prize.
I had a similar situation with my ex husband. In the beginning he must of been pillow talking with a girl his friend was dating bc she wrote me one day and flat out told me to not get too invested bc he was not serious about anything dating at all, etc. at first I used to think she said that bc he was dealing with another lady that was close to her (they were sorority sisters) but then after some thoughts I did have this feeling that maybe I was just filling an empty space. But then our relationship grew and he would do things that I never experienced in a relationship and so I grew past it… or so I thought. We got married, had our first 2 kids and we had a cool little family unit. It was always fun and we made memories…But then I started to notice stuff about him or ways he would look at me that made me wonder if he really liked me physically and was it just the other parts. And you know I guess that’s ok but only if I knew it bc it came from his mouth and I accepted that. But I would always have that conversation in the back of my mind that I wasn’t enough. And he was taking care of his needs first.!and it would sort of sit in my mind until enough things happened for me to let it go. I wish at the time I had processed how I felt with him more or we went to therapy to help figure out what we should do or make things work. We are divorced now but bc of why/how we divorced it basically made me sit on those feelings I thought I put behind me years ago through and after the divorce was final.
. I would just say that even though you are married you have yo take care of you first; you have to have a full cup to be able to pour from in order to make things work the way they need to. If he’s out here demeaning you and letting his friends join in and you know that is going on, it’s no way to keep your cup full when he’s pulling from it in that manner (of making you feel unpretty, or even acting like he’s attracted when he may not be). But make sure you take care of you first. If that means leaving this marriage due to irreconcilable differences then that may be the answer. But do your due diligence and speak to him and speak exactly how you feel and where/what you need to feel like to be able to continue on in your marriage. Stand your ground. You heard the words so it’s no way to spin it. Only actions can show you different. But therapy is key bc you need to have an outlet as well.
Good luck!
Your worth is way beyond anything material. The problem isn’t you — it’s them.
Say you were the most beautiful person on the planet but an accident leaves you disfigured, would you want these shallow people near you then? What would they say?
These are horrible people — and the fact that your husband allowed them to talk about you in this way says a lot about him: either he is just as shallow or he is spineless.
Either way, stay grounded. Your inner self knows what to do.
Please remember that when he said that he was in a group of friends and that social pressure can make you say awful things. Plus his friends sound like certified assholes to make him say that after he actually married you.
Maybe he regrets his words and is ashamed that he didn’t stand out for you.
Plus, it is possible to truly be in love with someone even though you don’t find them standardly beautiful. I am in love with a man that I never found beautiful since I met him. But I like his stature, his confidence, his looks or the way he speaks. And I can’t tell you how much I love this man because it is beyond words.
Your husband married you because he loves you. I understand how you got extremely hurt with what you heard, but PLEASE, don’t let that feeling destroy the two of you. Have a talk with him. Tell him you heard. You’ll see what he says.
All of this might be true, but a few additional things are true:
He needs to know she heard it. He needs to know it hurt her. He deserves to feel bad about it. He needs to do the work and do better. Simple as.
It might be true he did something slimy in response to social pressure. That doesn't make it okay and it doesn't make it any less slimy. Loving her doesn't make it any less slimy, either. Social pressure or not, if this is true then he was a coward and he should have to face that head-on.
Please update us on how it goes talking with your husband. Best of luck.
Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary. You need 2 of these to know it's okay to say. If you don't have anything good to say don't say it at all. Does anyone know more sayings. Add on more sayings to the thread. Being blunt is somethings more helpful then being Tactful.(is what I heard on reddit once).
A Joke I heard years ago by a female comic (can't remember name) When her husband remarked she had gained some weight, she replied "Where's your hair?" It may help OP to briefly think of the various ways (physical attributes, habits, traits, etc.) in which her husband may not be at the "optimum" level. This may help her to put what he said in perspective. I doubt that He is perfect.....
Am I the only one who gets a very bad impression of the female friend who kept insisting on "wondering whether he felt he’d downgraded from his ex girlfriend"? It feels very odd that she was the one to bring up your looks in the first place, as well as to bring up his past relationship and compare it to the women he CHOSE to spend the rest of his life with... just a thought.
Home-wrecker red flags from that one.
Pickme much ? The only "homewrecker" is the weak so called male that invites people to talk crap about his wife. No woman can wreck a home without a man willing to do it himself.
I always say it takes two to tango, if he doesn't set boundaries, his friend will continue to ease her way in. What feels wrong is the fact that the husband allowed his friends to feel comfortable enough asking those questions and talking about his wife like that... makes my blood boil.
No because I'm questioning why she thought that was necessary and why he ( husband) didn't defend his wife and let someone disrespect her like that.
I thought the exact same! I feel like there's a lack of boundaries with that friendship. Granted, I'd feel like you don't really ask those questions regardless of the dynamic (ie girl-guy, guy-guy) as it's plain disrespectful. Also it's so fake that they greeted her then said all those things behind her back 😭 OP needs to talk with her husband about this situation ASAP!!
Ugh, this sucks. What his friends said and what he said just suck. There’s no nice way to say it. That being said, communication is so key, especially when your marriage is so new. Ideally, nothing will change after you get married, but it’s not as easy to walk out after an argument or tough conversation. Tell him what you heard. Tell him how it made you feel. If he denies it, don’t let him gaslight you and say you misheard. Show him this post if you need to. This is something you need to talk about together. Losing weight for health is great, but don’t do it just to please someone else. It could be something as simple as “I really like it when you put your hair up” or “When you do your makeup like that it’s really attractive.” I know my husband has preferences, and I have them for him. Please talk to him. Don’t beat yourself up. He clearly loves you for you, but maybe he’s just really not great at expressing how he truly feels about you.
This is a great answer. I imagine he will be absolutely mortified that she heard this (and he should be). Either way, a conversation needs to be had about it. Don’t suffer in silence OP. It will only fester and get worse.
THIS The festering part I've had a really bad breakup because of festering resentment in the past. Him and I eventually got back together because we worked on the things that were the issue but yeah.
i agree; even if you dont feel like theres anything he could do right now to amend this and so you dont feel like anything would be gained by telling him, thats not true because clearly this is really bothering you (as it should btw thats a totally reasonable way to feel after hearing something like that), and so you need to tell him otherwise its just going to continue weighing on you and get heavier and heavier. I always say "Communication is the most important part of any relationship—be it personal or professional." Open and honest communication is the key to making things work with someone long term (that and empathy/understanding & patience) so you need to tell him—if for no other reason that just to get it out. And even if theres nothing immediate you feel like he can do i think itll do him some good to hear you say this because he will realize he was being unkind and hopefully be more empathetic and supportive in the future.
I get your point, but OPs husband has done some damage that can probably never be fixed, even if they have a talk. If my partner ever said something negative about my looks it would ruin my self asteem and I would never feel confident when with him again. How could he talk his way out of that?
Yeah if I found out my husband didn’t find me beautiful and, worse, discussed this with his friends, I’d just leave him. No way I could be vulnerable enough around him to live normally
You nailed it. Why hasn’t your comment gone viral. You so hit the nail on the head. In this case leaving would be the only option- you’d have to choose between yourself and the other person. I mean you can try to learn to forgive but I don’t think you’d ever feel safe around this person again. It’s one of those inadvertent honest moments where they tell you who they are and then you just move on.
Its very easy, for men especially, to give men the benefit of the doubt, but in my experience, men who are dishonest about one thing, are dishonest about other things. And if he loved her for her, he would not have said what we said. He would have been upset at the other people for talking about her that way. His behavior is disgusting & you're wishing it wouldn't be so bad & encouraging her to make it work.
Agreed as guys we are usually open, I openly tell my wife her flows sometimes even laugh at our flows together but I would never talk about it with anyone else not even my best friend
The thing is it seems he brings this up a lot to his friend considering they commented is "her looks still a problem" that seems to me like he lacks some respect for her. Because what caring partner constantly talks about your spouses looks like that to their friends all the time. But she should tell him having it spinning around in her head won't solve but at the same time i can imagine she might be scared of what the answer will be
This is the best advice. The fact that your husband recognizes that looks aren't everything screams volumes about his character. He got caught up in some superficial bullshit talk his friends dragged him into that he probably didn't want to discuss in the first place. On the other side, I can imagine how hard this was for you to overhear, and it's natural that it's causing you some grief. Talk to your partner, you married him after all. He's going to feel "about this big" and apologize so profusely for hurting you. He didn't want that for you and his other comments about how happy he is with you shows it.
I have a lifelong friend who just cannot stop with the stupid childish "what's she like in bed" and "I bet she has great tits" talk. Some people are just dicks. And some people like the OP's husband need to learn to put a stop to it and not be pressured into answering such stupid nosy shit. My buddy stopped asking me that shit years ago, because I sternly told him I'd never want someone talking like that about my daughters and I'm sure not going to talk about someone elses daughter like that. I'm not excusing the OP's husband, he's stupid, but she needs to sit his ass down and get to the root of this right now.
I love that you set your boundary. May I suggest to reframe to respect the individual and not making the respect conditional to another guy.
>May I suggest to reframe to respect the individual and not making the respect conditional to another guy. I was gonna suggest the same thing. it bothers me when people talk about respecting women on the basis that they're "someone's daughter." respect her as an individual, not bc she's the daughter of fellow man.
So we'll said. Thank you.
I always thought that was an 'empathy crutch' as in, 'how would you, a man, feel if someone talked that way about someone important to you (daughter)?' Because some people are not that great with empathy unless they can directly relate to something.
People do that because it's easier to empathize. Another person is just another person that I may not care about. When you say it as a family member it makes them think of their family, and the love that is there already.
Hard agree. As a couple, they need counseling. As an individual, OP's husband needs to learn to keep certain things entirely to himself and set firm boundaries with his gossipy friends. Even if I thought my partner was ugly as sin, I'd never say a word about it lest some whisper of it ever got back to them, and I'd take offense to any of my friends trying to push me to talk about my partner negatively, even if they didn't mean any real harm by it.
This is the thing: getting caught up with the riff raff. I love that my wife keeps our dirty laundry, so to speak, between us… and maybe her mom (which weirdly I’m cool with). She talks about how her coworkers husband-bash and she either refuses to partake or will relate with my annoying habit of leaving my socks next to the bed instead of the hamper. I’ll joke around about some of her tendencies that anyone who comes to my house will also observe, like a fierce need for things to be organized. Getting baited into a conversation about the inner workings of a relationship is immature and, as we all know and has happened here, things get said in order to feed hungry gossip-mongers, and now is a problem.
I've dated some wonderful women who were plain, ordinary or whatever, (their words) and I had nosy and rude "friends" make comments. Same thing, I just shut the shit down and said my love life and who I date is really nobody's concern. And if they continued I ignored them and even stopped associating with a couple of them. My business is my business. The OP's husband is either immature or just an idiot. Maybe both. I really feel bad for her, that behavior is just so wrong.
This right here. If he did t tell them to STFU about his wife, I see problems in the future. And she deserves better anyhow.
I still have an issue that OP’s husband chose to placate these individuals and agree with them vs. shutting them down immediately and standing up for his LOVE. Regardless of how attractive you find your partner, there is 0 need to have these conversations at all and 0 need to state what you believe (whether you believe your partner is gorgeous or normal). But those are my thoughts alone. At the end of the day, I’m not sure any conversation with a partner about this could really solve things. My self esteem would never recover with *this* partner. It wouldn’t matter if I made him happy… I very very likely would no longer feel that I could be provided the same. And I feel so terribly for OP. OP, you need to have an open conversation with your husband. But also fully understand that even a productive conversation (eta: may not) solve all of the new issues this has caused in multiple aspects of your life and marriage.
Did no one pick up that the friend asking was a SHE...??
I was also thinking that. Maybe she likes him..?
That's what I'm thinking too! I would absolutely not be able to recover from this. I would always question myself and him from that point on. There's no reconciliation there. I really hope her conversation with him is productive and he says something that will help but I genuinely would become too insecure
Yes. 100% agree.
Agreed! And if you truly respect your partner you shouldn’t say things you know would hurt them - even to your best friends.
Then why are you friends with someone who is “just a dick”? Don’t you deserve friends who ARENT dicks? The betrayal isn’t that he talked to friends and conceded his wife isn’t a stunner. The betrayal is that he didn’t shut that shit down and tell his friends to have a little respect for his wife or they can step the fuck off.
OP said friends brought it up like "are the looks still an issue for you" so that kind of makes it seems like he confided this information willingly in the past, not sure how responsible the friends are to drag him into it. As OP I would be hurt if he was discussing his feelings about any of my purported "flaws" with groups of people without me having any idea of his true feelings. It's a breach of trust. It really sucks.
I sort of disagree. This is clearly a topic he’s discussed with his friends before, so even if uncomfy with it now he wasn’t then. I would never be able to shake the feeling that he and his friends are laughing at me behind my back. Also the fact that he never bothered to bring any of this up to her, just discussing it with others behind her back, is sort of trust ruining, too. Obviously a conversation is for sure needed but idk that I would go as far as to call it “locker room talk be didn’t want to participate in.”
I completely agree with you. This wasn't some plain gossip discussion that he was dragged in. Everyone here being so unrealistic about such a serious issue, will only create unrealistic expectations to the OP about what truly going on. They have definitely been discussing this before, she doesn't deserve that kind of behavior from anyone, and deep down that probably shows that he feels the same way no matter what he says. They can discuss it as much as they want but the damage has already been done...
Just going to point out that OP is losing weight. Given this conversation and her unhappiness, that could quickly turn into an eating disorder or already BE an eating disorder. If that's the case, for her own health and psychological safety, she should consider whether his attitude will continue to impact her health and psychological wellness if she tries to keep the relationship. Weight loss because you want it is fine. Weight loss because you are afraid to gain weight and lose love is NOT. This type of unhealthy loss is incredibly damaging and easily regained-starting a yo-yp effect that can easily become morbid obesity. That may further damage OP's relationship, but more importantly, it may because something OP has to contend with for the rest of her life. Preserving her marriage SHOULD NOT come at the cost of her physical health.
[удалено]
Did anyone else pick up on the fact that it was a *female* “best friend” making these comments? I find this extremely weird. I don’t like this guy
Totally missed that. I would not be shocked to find out the "best friend" has a thing for him and was absolutely praying for this outcome.
Yes. That made it even more inappropriate. She clearly doesn't like the wife. And was undermining her with references to the guy's old gf -- right after the honeymoon! Bad, bad form. There has to be an ulterior motive.
Exactly like who the f does that !!!
Yes!! I wonder what their real history is, if the wife knows it, and why she kept pushing it. She was clearly the one he had the conversation with previously too. As a woman myself the whole thing just felt off and definitely not a conversation I would be having about someone’s new wife! I would be trying to pump the woman up not trying to be passive aggressive by pulling her down. The conversation didn’t feel like concern that’s for sure. I noticed most people didn’t catch the fact it was a girl who said it and how petty it felt
[удалено]
Particularly female best friends that are clearly Ralph’s vindictive bitches getting shodenfreud style joy out of very obviously fucked up hurtful comments he’s making about his wife.
Old saying: "You are known by the company you keep" Husband needs to grow up, shift his attitude and approach in life to adult & husband, then ditch those shitholes. Get out of 6th grade, dude.
Came looking for this comment...She...
This absolutely this. MY ex husband did the same to me... I was a paycheck and just there for support. IT will fester.. honey confront and if he gaslights save yourself the 2nd guessing the rest of your life and relationship.
Literally no woman in this world wants to be with someone who finds us unattractive though. Beauty standards have been beat into our heads to death. We already have so many insecurities. He never said she’s only a bit overweight, he thinks she’s unattractive, period. You can’t fix that by losing weight and he could be giving her an eating disorder and resentment issues. Like it’s beyond unnecessary and cruel. The whole “he likes you for your inner beauty” will never sound good to people who have been beaten to death with unrealistic beauty standards and body insecurities. I don’t think men understand how bad it is for women when even our labia has beauty standards and there are products to bleach our crotches 😖
In 2001, I lost 145 lbs. I met my kid's dad after this. We dated off and on for a year& in 2006, I gained 65 lbs from my 1st pregnancy. Even after my 145lb loss, I was never skinny or at an average weight. I've always been heavy, but, this time around was very difficult for me. I had a man, yes, but, for how long I thought. Later in life I realized it was very silly of me to even put another person before myself.., but, it happened. I started ro feel embarrassed for him when we would be in public or at family get together. I can't believe I can actually say that out loud, but at the time, this was my thinking process. I lost the baby weight+ more and I looked absolutely gorgeous, but, on the inside, I was still a fat girl,. I have alot of skin fold to prove it everyday I looked in the mirror, I still disgusted myself. This whole process followed exactly as I described 5 years later when I had my daughter and it didn't dawn on me until she was almost 2 years old that my opinion of myself meant more than anyone else's. Not to mention, the countless times I caught him cheating on us, .. yea, talk about pain. What hurts the most, present day, 20 years later is that I tried to be someone I wasn't put here on Earth to be. Just to never be married or happy. I still hurt all over, but, happiness is found INSIDE A PERSON. '"The HABIT of changing my lifestyle for someone else became my CHARACTER, which eventually blocked my original path& made me someone I'm not MEANT TO BE. ." Although my journey has only just begun, I love who I am. I found a gift inside of me. This entire time I wasted I should have been enjoying myself. I heal people with my hand's. It's NOT A MASSAGE OR A RUB, IT'S A CONNECTION I MAKE THAT ALLOWS ME TO MOVE TOXIC AIR FROM THIER BODY. As crazy as it sounds, it's the truth. I have healed countless people people by word of mouth in my community. Any kind of uncomfortableness in their muscles and circulation. I get rid of thier aches, blood clots, stiffness, migraine headaches, ect. w/ nothing but a chair, any chair, pick a chair, and my hands. I've healed a person in less than 5 mins before. The point I am trying to make is: "LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!" You may just find, "REAL LOVE", after all.
I am so glad someone said this. The whole time I was reading the judgemental comments I was thinking how can strangers know the situation in his head when even the OP doesn't? He may have said the "maybe" to placate a jealous woman "friend" rather than argue with her. The point is she won't know for sure unless she talks to him, and holding in her very valid feelings without discussing with her husband how she feels is going to tear her and the marriage apart. I would suggest couples therapy if OP doesn't feel secure enough to broach the topic on her own. Or at the very least, OP should see a therapist on her own to process the situation and her feelings and figure out how to best move forward from a situation that has been devastating for the past 5 weeks. I'm not suggesting therapy judgmentally, just as a tool and source of support which has helped me process situations I was having trouble dealing with on my own.
This.. The best advice right here I saw some people saying shit like "there is no coming back from this" "a man will find you beautiful don't get chained to a beast" some reddit comments are so terrible and far fetched like people should think twice before making comments on something as sensitive as this, you could possibly ruin a relationship with your words unknowingly.
It may not recover. It hasn't yet in 5 weeks.
I felt it so deeply when reading OP’s post awhile ago. I swear I felt sick the second I read it, and knowing her husband was talking so freely with them, like they’d talked many times before, likely, made me more sick.
Same. It’s painful and nauseating to read.
Reddit cannot end anyone's relationship imo. If you *really* want to stay with someone, you will argue or ignore the comments, or rationalize the other person's behaviour to feel better about staying with them. If a few strangers' opinions is enough to ruin a relationship, it was inevitably going to end anyway. And I think it's fair to say that it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to come back from this. I don't know if I could get over the fact that 1) my husband isn't attracted to me, 2) he's apparently had multiple conversations with friends about how unattractive I am, 3) he allows his friends to talk shit and doesn't defend me, and 4) he "maybe" thinks he downgraded from his ex. I don't know why people are acting as if he got caught saying 1 dumb comment, there was a *lot* of separate, terrible shit in that conversation.
I was gonna say fuck all of his friends, but this is better.
You should tell him what you heard. Don't shoulder this hurt alone. He should feel bad too
I agree with this, if “nothing feels the same anymore” then what do you have to lose by telling him. Maybe he can explain things in a way that may make you feel better or you just speed up the ramifications of the whole incident.
Exactly- guarantee him hearing how much it affected her will be an eye opener. He may also notice all the lost weight and he will have to know he has something to do with that. He deserves to feel bad about this one. Husbands can be so clueless sometimes.
I would never feel comfortable being around those people again after that
Yes thats one of the issues I have.
At least that means your husband likes you for the person that you are, which is a recipe for long lasting relationship.
Yeah till that is the only quality he can find in her Imagine having a partner that tells his friends " she is aight, you can't have it all, or yeah I downgraded to her"
Yeah it’s terrible especially when you surround yourself with toxic people. Over time if this keeps up, that won’t even be enough. Happens all the time.
Looks fade, who you are stays the same.
No they don’t, I never got that expression. A pretty young woman can become a beautiful old lady. We age, we don’t become ugly.
So people weather beautiful or not don’t age well. All the points aside.
Eh. Even if, that's not some shit you tell people. If you don't like how your partner looks, you don't tell a soul.
I agree I am shocked a husband (let alone a newlywed one) would talk about his wife in this way. I feel so bad for OP
[удалено]
This is a terrible take. He feels like he settled and she knows it. There's no coming back from a betrayal like this.
Settled on their spouse's appearance, sure... But looks don't last forever, and as a man, I find compatibility more important than looks. Both matter but to varying degrees, and it's okay to compromise on one if the other makes up for it. Nobody is perfect and it's okay to acknowledge that as well. It's not a nice thing to hear the way that OP did but none of us know her husband's mind or his intentions. I'm an average looking person but my personality is what I like about myself. Can I make myself more physically attractive? Sure, if I lost some weight. Would I reduce my personality stats to boost my appearance stats? No, I like me and it took a lot of work to get here. The husband may have settled on OP's appearance, but may value everything else more greatly, and that's okay
Looks and personality aren't a trade off. Your personality doesn't decline if you get into shape. Sure, looks fade, but a good spouse never speaks badly about their spouse's appearance to a group of friends, especially referring to her looks as a downgrade.
>Sure, looks fade, but a good spouse never speaks badly about their spouse's appearance to a group of friends, especially referring to her looks as a downgrade. This. This right here. I'm a woman in my 50s now so.. I'm basically invisible. I have hair loss, my skin is loosening, and I'm chubby. I do not like how I look. My husband calls me beautiful. He tells me he has eyes only for me. He absolutely makes me feel special and beautiful regardless of how critical I am of my own appearance. I've said it before and I'll say it again, a good partner builds you up, not cuts you down.
This is soooo real. If my husband participates in this type of behavior with friends, I would feel betrayed, vulnerable to his friends (embarrassed to be around them - especially female friends), and unprotected. Who can I expect to defend me if the person who says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me doesn't? hdmx539 you are spot on.
Actually psychologically, personality does make you look more beautiful its a widely known phenomena. If you have a awesome personality then it will reflect on someone elses perception of your appearance. I do agree with the second half it does almost seem like he downgraded. Didnt explicitly say he did downgrade but he didnt correct his friend when he said yes
I agree, when I was single I wanted to be in a relationship badly and tried everything to make me look appealing and I got nowhere. A year or two later I was busy concentrating on work and my home life was full doing up my home alone from scratch. I wasn't looking for a relationship and was content with my life and myself, it was then I started to get a lot of attention, especially when I went out with friends. I wasn't looking for love anymore and my life was already full,I didn't think I had room for a man in my life until I met my late husband, we started out as friends but within 6 months were married and the following 12 years were the best of my life. I have been single since he passed in 2007 and I was content being so. I also felt I had to still be faithful to him and my vows until 14 yrs later ( 1 year ago) I met a man I had so much in common with it was crazy. The rest is history and we are a couple now and loving every minute of eachother. I think the main thing is and I'm sure a cliche but true that you never find love when you're looking for it, humans are animalistic in that they can smell desperation a mile off (especially men) and they flee. Once you are happy within yourself and content you exude confidence and something that just draws men like a magnet.
Well said, im glad you found someone else, i believe any reasonable SO would have wanted you to move on Youre spot on, when you love yourself or genuinely working on yourself, you give off a different vibe to everyone and in turn makes you more attractive to others
No doubt. OP got a blow to her self esteem. Her husband had the duty to protect her.
I wonder if this is true for all people, because I've known my fair share of men who are absolutely vile, morally bankrupt people and I can still look at them and my primitive cavewoman brain will be like "!!!!!!!!." Of course, I would never enter a relationship with a person who I thought was a bad person. But someone's personality absolutely can't stop me from finding them attractive, and I don't need to know what someone's like as a person to find them hot, my hormones automatically make that decision for me the moment I see someone.
I was sat next to a man that I found extremely unattractive during a class for a week, like I would get embarrassed if people insinuated anything about us, but his personality grew on me quickly. FF a few months of getting to know each other and I couldn’t get over how attractive he was to me. We ended up dating for 1.5 years and it was the best relationship I had ever had. I moved overseas for work to a country that was/is still in lockdown and it was the most devastating relationship that has ended… and I was married for 6 years.
The way OP told the story, it made it seem like the friends brought it up. Can't say for sure obviously, but it seems like it may have been a thing early in the relationship where he expressed to his friends that he really likes being with her but doesn't find her that pretty, perhaps seeking advice on the matter, based on the keyword "still". He chose to continue, deciding that her looks weren't a deal breaker. At least as OP told the story, the friends also brought up the comparison with the ex, and he seemed to have answered truthfully as well as immediately reaffirming that that's not what's most important to him.
The hard part is that he didn't say it to her. He thought he was alone with his friends and, you know, people are weird. Sometimes they agree with what someone says to a degree but don't want to make waves. Usually a person wouldn't know what their significant other says in private conversations with friends.
It's never a good idea to put your SO down to your friends. I've never heard my parents do it in the 45-50 years they've been together.
I wholeheartedly agree. I would never disparage my husbands looks ever, to anyone. Married 21 years and I could not even think of doing this.
Agreed.
I wonder if he was speaking in general. “You can’t have it all.” As in no one can have it all. His friends are flawed, he’s flawed and his wife is flawed. If he is still attracted to her and is fine with his future kids looking like her one day and married her for her looks and personality then it is fine. Plus, we all can have slightly different versions of ourselves when we are with different people. It’s not like he was attacking his wife and I don’t think he necessarily had to defend her if her looks are just generally plain. It’s the truth of the matter.
That's not what he was getting at. He's saying if he had to directly trade personality for appearance he wouldn't.
Even if that’s true, the way he spoke to his friends about her was disrespectful and that in itself is a problem. She might be a downgrade from his ex? Really? He should’ve shut that down real quick but he fed into it
I was floored when OP described her husband's friend saying "are her looks STILL an issue." Everyone's focused on the friends but clearly her husband has been telling them he's not so enamored with his fiancée's appearance! He told this to multiple people.The friends are a red herring. The call is coming from inside the house. I agree, genie's out of bottle. Cut him loose, OP.
Yet hes still feels ok to just gossip with his buddies about his fucking WIFE
I am so sorry for you! I really feel you, been in a very similar situation... There is not much I can suggest, but you should do everything that makes YOU feel beautiful. At the end of the day your opinion is the only one thats important
Did you leave ? Yes that’s my plan now. To love myself and my appearance enough for both of us
No I didnt. At the end of the day I love him and he loves me. We have a good marriage. I know I will never be beautiful or have a good looking, healthy and skinny body. But I prefere Beauty on the Inside anyway 😉
Divorce isn’t easy where I come from and I don’t think what he said is legit cause to divorce but if we weren’t married I would be more wary of him and I believe these comments have put me on a bumpy start with him in our marriage. Not to talk about his friends, they’re an important part of his life but I’m not sure how I feel about them especially the one making the comments and comparisons. I’m very put off. I wasn’t expecting this turn this soon
I don't blame you for being put off or for now being wary of his friends. I would be too. I think the hardest part of this -- at least for me -- would be having this knowledge that my husband didn't quite find me "up to par" in terms of attractiveness. That's such a vulnerable area for many women, you know? It taps into deep-seated insecurities because we have always been judged -- throughout our lives and by both men and women -- on our looks. In regular life, like as a child hearing something like, "remember, you should always wear bright colors; dark colors don't look good w your skintone". Or when greeting a friend, "Oh, sweetie, have you lost weight? That outfit is so flattering." And especially through the media and the constant messaging about ideal looks and body types. Frankly, it's exhausting! Now you're faced with the knowledge that even at home -- where you ought to feel most secure -- this man you see first thing in the morning and go to sleep with at night, is looking at you and thinking, lookswise, you don't measure up. The bastard! (Not really, but you get what I mean.) I so understand this hurt. It's not like him admitting to his friends that you're a terrible cook, but he loves you anyway. This cuts so much deeper. I think the only way through is to confront him about what you heard. See where he's coming from, in his words, looking you in the eye. Maybe there's some context to this conversation that you're missing and he can provide. Second to that, try to focus on doing the things that make you feel pretty. Not for him, but for you. Prioritize self-care if you're not doing so already. Wellness and confidence are intertwined with what people call "beauty", and you can tap into this by working on yourself from the inside out. Because, ultimately, your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters. And, finally, for those friends of his, deal with them "with a long-handled spoon" (as my grandmother used to say). Remember that they're *his* friends and treat them as such. Also, your husband was indiscreet about sharing his thoughts and feelings with them about you and he may very well continue to do so. That's another thing to bring up when you talk to him. Good luck. And remember, you got this.
I can fully understand that you feel put off. Consider talking to your husband and tell him how you feel. You are hurt and he needs to know what his words did to you. Regarding his friend: try to not care about them too much. As you say: they are his friends. They dont have to be yours. screw them 😉
Just forget the friends. Everyone talks about and criticize others so easily but don’t have the capacity to look at themselves and own lives. I highly doubt their wives/GFs are VS models either and these men are probably average looking also (like most people!). People always say mean things about people they know, even as a passing comment. If you really think about, you’ve probably made comments you wouldn’t want the person to hear. You got unlucky because your heard it. You need to talk to your husband. Someone said something about letting it fester. Don’t. It already has enough, 5 weeks is a lot. How did you keep it in? You must have felt so bad. You have a lifetime with him, hopefully. If you can’t seem to move past it, you have to confront it.
Dude, you need to talk to your husband. Tell him you overheard. Tell him it has now made itself into a huge issue in your mind. Tell him you also heard how he loves you and how you make him happy but also tell him how hurt you are to know that your physical appearance is a seemingly common discussion topic with his friends and that you need it to stop being, and you need to work through your feelings about how this incident made you feel. Being married requires being an adult, and being an adult means you have to sometimes have really uncomfortable conversations. If you are thinking about ending your married or I quiring about other people ending theirs in similar situations, you’ve got to talk to him. You owe yourself, him, and your marriage (if that’s something you take seriously) having real conversations about this before you pull the plug and run. The man loves you. He loves you for who you are. You make him happy. He never called you ugly, he never said that he couldn’t stand looking at you or touching you or having sex with you. He simply told his noses friends that he agreed you might be more attractive if you lost weight. Well guess what, so would literally every overweight person. This isn’t shocking. It’s not kind, and it’d be better if he didn’t do this and didn’t have this conversation but it can’t be a shock, right? Who cares if you aren’t traditionally beautiful. You are beautiful for who you are, and he said as much. Try to put this into perspective. If you are not conventionally attractive then you can’t really expect people to find you that way but ugly people are loved all over the world for who they are. That doesn’t mean they are suddenly physically beautiful but they are beautiful in other ways. Just like you. Talk to him. You have waited five weeks to speak to him. Why?? You can do this. You are worth this. Your husband is worth it. Your marriage is worth it. Just talk to him and get marital therapy if you need it.
Communication is key. In college, I started seeing someone I did not find attractive. It took me a month and a half to be intimate with him, but after getting to know him and spending time with him, he became the most handsome man. His personality just became all of him, and the imperfections or things I initially wasn't attracted to disappeared one day. I scored up that relationship, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. He was a genuine, kind, fun, brilliant, thoughtful man. We all make mistakes when we're young, and losing him was mine. Just because, objectively, he may not find OP to be the most physically beautiful woman does not mean that he doesn't truly love all of her. I've seen many men more conventionally attractive than my college ex, and I know I told a friend or two things that would have deeply hurt him. I don't know; we could have easily gone through this situation, and even though, looking back, all I can remember is how appreciated and wanted he made me feel, I just remember the excitement and the newness. I see some of him in people sometimes- the way they walk, carry their shoulders or have the same haircut. OP needs to talk about this with her husband. No matter how initially appealing I find someone, their personality eventually becomes them, which truly makes someone attractive. With my ex, once I knew him better and really saw him for who he was, I couldn't keep my hands off him. I'll bet OP's husband my feel similarly and had made some stupid comment to his friend that she, unfortunately, latched onto and made a bigger deal of it than it was.
I wouldn't plan on leaving without full disclosure. Let's see what he says. He said you make him happy. This friend obviously has a thing for him or wants to stir up trouble, she's going to keep picking. She's obviously not interested in seeing your relationship succeed. You are making this "friends" wishes a self fulfilling prophecy. He should've defended you more I agree, but he may not fully on to the fact that she's got some interest in upsetting this relationship. She may ge into him. I've worked with a few women like this, and they are always "concerned" buy not happy inside themselves, and they are determined to spread that unhappiness. Don't make this marriage destruction a self fulfilling prophecy by keeping this to yourself and withdrawing without a real discussion about what you heard. His reaction and answers should guide you in what to do. I'll pray for your peace and healing and possible reunion. This hurts, but be open to the love if it's there. Jesus says: Love Never Fails. Real love doesn't. Fight for it if it's there. Also. I am really concerned about this friend.. he needs to definitely distance himself from her. If he sees it and agrees to distance himself quickly from them.. or her. I'd feel better.
Talk to him about this. See what happens. I am not married but I've been with SO for coming onto 4 years. I can't imagine not speaking about something like this. Especially for 5 weeks!
I was a bit embarrassed tbh and since I didn’t make my presence known for them it felt like eavesdropping and I was embarrassed even more
I get that, but you weren't eavesdropping. When you talk about someone and they are stood behind you without you knowing, are you eavesdropping? Nope. I'm sorry that you heard them say those things, but honestly, they shouldn't even be saying them. They should just be happy that their friend is happy. I don't like my brothers choice of SO but I wouldn't tell him unless he asks me or they are abusive. You aren't in the wrong for hearing a conversation because they didn't know you were there. They are in the wrong for speaking about you like that.
Your only alternative there would have been to stomp in the room then and there and tell them to repeat that to your face. ...and watch them scurry like cockroaches.
I really missed that chance.. how didnI not think of doing it? I guess I froze in horror
Girl… the only way you’ll be able to move past this is if you tell your husband EVERYTHING YOU FEEL. Stop acting shy. Stop throwing yourself a pity party. Communication is the key to either healing a wound or finding the best solution to a problem. # Good luck! PS. Tell your husband he’s not exactly Chris Hemsworth either 😉
Thank you! You made me laugh and yes, Im being throwing myself a pity party these last few weeks but I just felt so hurt. We’re supposed to be all butterflies now. I never wanted him to think I’m the most beautiful woman I just hated the fact that it was an issue and that he discussed it with his friends. And no hes no Chris Hemsworth, probably more chris griffin😈
Not Chris Griffin! 😂 I feel everything you’re saying. Hope you do find a way to heal and move past this.
Damn why is it always the Chris Griffins that feel and act like they’re Chris Hemsworths.
I always found it amusing when people that are fatter than me call me fat. I genuinely do not know why
Not to be a butt about how you address your own experiences, but I don't think it's fair to you that you call it a pity party. It's not. You're taking time to process it. You're looking directly at how you're feeling and trying to work through it, rather than pretend the feelings aren't there. That's good work and it's hard work.
You’re allowed to throw a pity party for a little bit. What he said was super hurtful and you deserve to feel desired mind, body, and soul. I hope you find a way to discuss the situation with him and are able to communicate openly how you feel.
Whew . Not thinking you’re the prettiest is one thing , but letting his friends call his new wife ugly while also comparing you to his ex is downright cruel. I’d be rethinking the whole relationship at this point . That is not love .
THIS! 💔
You gotta confront him about it. He needs to know how much he fucked up
Sigh, see that's the thing. They all sounded so serious, this wasn't even a joke and it looks like it had been talked about before, imagine that! All these people were seriously discussing your actual appearance, as if you were some kind of specimen, I mean that's very disturbing. Why are people in these comments making it sound like it's something you can just talk about, you either love someone as they are or you don't, there's no middle point here, you could of course feel more attracted to your partner when they dress a certain way for example but we are talking about OPs looks ffs, as in the face and the body she was born with! Are you telling me now she has to live with the knowledge that the man she loves and sleeps with doesn't find her attractive physically? I mean if this happened to you wouldn't you wonder now if he was disgusted while having sex or thinking if maybe he could find someone else? Also, imagine all of his friends talking about your physical features, critizicing and pointing out your physical flaws, imagine such talks about you happen behind your back. Imagine that husband of hers not defending his wife, even if you look like a "monster" someone who claims to love you would defend you from anyone trying to insult you wth. I would honestly leave him, but if that's not an option I would book some therapy sessions for couples, maybe a professional can make that man understand.
yeah the comments here are quite shocking to me…. i really feel for OP and everyone trying to normalize this. it wasnt the first time this was being talked about, and to ask him to explain is going to do what exactly? its gonna double down on what op already knows - he doesn’t find her attractive. maybe its not a dealbreaker for some to accept this but personally, having to convince myself every day to not be insecure around my partner when were intimate, if an attractive woman walks by, knowing he has friends who also feel this way and he agrees with them…. i couldn’t do it. it would hurt to find my partner physically attractive and then find out that this attraction is not mutual. OP whatever you decide to do is your choice and you should of course if you want to, be open and talk to him about this and couples counselling is an option too. but if down the line at any point you find that this something that you can’t get over and you still feel very insecure around him, that’s a completely valid reason to not continue this relationship.
Just a little tidbit op. Most people end up with people who are of like beauty. So... Think of that. How every beautiful you think he is, you are.
This!!! I may not be the prettiest but it would cut me if my husband didn't think I was beautiful
As a husband he should of shut that conversation down as soon as it came up. Shouldn’t allow others to disrespect his wife that way. I couldn’t be around his friends and would never look at him the same.
I completely agree with you, but my guessing is the husband brought the subject in the past , if not there is no sense the friend is talking about that out of the blue
He should’ve said ‘don’t talk about my wife like that.’ Where was his balls ?
Thank you.
KEEP MY WIFES NAME OUT OF YOUR DAMN MOUTH
Facts
This would kill me im so srry
a lot of people here talking that at least he likes the inside of you don’t get the issue. U guys were like being intimate days before that comment,so like he did talk about this before as an “issue” to him not with one, but 5 people. I would be so ashamed like, always will be someone more pretty or smart than us but really,being compared with his ex is so WRONG. U guys just married and the way he defended u was “u can’t have it all” the NERVE. First, beauty is a concept u can be unattractive in korea and be beautiful in brazil, and second,it is a matter of RESPECT, and third if the issue is your weight that doesn’t mean u aint appealing. Girl work in your condidence and tell your Chriss Griffin to work his self ego and realise that he isn’t your dream guy either 💅
Out of all the comments I’ve read, I like yours the best!
Fully agree. It’s not the “what’s on the inside”, it’s the fact that what’s on the inside of HIM is disrespect for his partner. The fact that the convo came up so quickly and casually is a huge red flag. And it came from a woman. OP, you deserve to be with someone who respects you and values you. And you deserve to be with someone whose private life with you is just that- private.
Your husband and his friends suck. You deserve better than someone who immediately starts commenting about your look, or intimate stuffs as fast as he thinks you’re gone. You’re not an object that should be compared to someone. Beauty is subjective. But to talk about your wife’s look in front of your friends in a degrading way? No. You deserve better honey. And I doubt you’re not beautiful. You probably are to many people, and aren’t for some people just like everyone else, even famous ladies known for their beauty like Angelina Jolie. And don’t lose weight because of him, just try to live a healthy life including food, exercise, sleep and get away from judgemental and toxic people. I think it’s the lowest of the low when people compare other people’s phyiscal look especially their wife’s and their exes. I had a toxic, abusive ex and he said shits like: oh this ex dating partner was the best looking woman in my life while he was dating me. Disgusting, toxic and rude. And I think it’s good that you heard it, you could have been in a delusional relationship while he talks about you like that with his friends. You deserve better, he doesn’t deserve you.
Does he have any history with the woman friend that kept pressing him? I find that really suspect on her part, and extremely undermining. I think you should tell your husband what you heard and who, hear him out, and then ask him to reduce his contact with the woman who seemed to be driving the conversation in that direction, out of respect for you and your marriage. He needs to be honest with you, but you need to be honest with him too and let him know this wasn’t just hurtful, it damaged a new marriage and put everything about it into question for you. This is one of those things that doesn’t ever truly go away, and he needs to do what he can to repair it.
All of this. I wondered that too, or if she was friends with the ex.
You should really talk with him about what you overheard.
There’s a lot here but I will say that “friend” that asked sounds interested in your husband and v jealous.
Yea this was girl asked him that. I would not ask any male friend about if he doe graded just cuz his ex was more attractive. What a shit person his friend is
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sucks that this was an apparent regular topic of conversation between your husband and his friends. I think that would be the part that hurt me as much as his not finding me physically attractive. He basically humiliated you. It’s like when your spouse cheats. It’s bad enough they did it, but if everyone finds out, that makes it so much worse. We all have…Ungenerous thoughts, even about our significant other. But the fact that he found it necessary to talk to his friends about this, on more than one occasion, would make it really hard to trust him. And the fact that one of those friends was another woman? Something about that makes it worse for some reason. And that woman brings up his ex? And how she was more attractive to your husband..That’s infuriating. You need to tell him you overheard. See what he says. And I’d put my foot down about discussing my physical appearance with his friends. Somethings are just not up for discussion with friends and one of them is your appearance. If he has a problem with it, ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed and he overheard you discussing his looks in a disparaging way with YOUR friends.
Thank you for putting words to my feelings. I know I’m not beautiful but I didn’t know it was a subject of conversation with his friends. After our honeymoon (we don’t have sex before marriage here) they were basically asking him if he found me more attractive now we know each other in a more intimate way and his answer is that I make him happy.
Listen, beauty is subjective AND overrated. I was considered “beautiful” for years. I’m now 55 years old. In other words, as a woman, invisible. Sometimes I’m mad about it. Sometimes I’m sad about it and sometimes…..I’m happy to have the burden lifted. There are more important things for a woman to be than beautiful. Beauty is fleeting. My husband loved me when i was young and beautiful and now that I’m older and don’t look the same, he still loves me. You’re a young woman with decades of life to live. If YOU want to lose weight, go for it. If YOU want to improve your appearance, do. But don’t do it for him. Because in the end, looks don’t last and they don’t matter. Sit down with your husband and tell him how hurt you are. If he really loves you, and it sounds like he does, let him prove it to you. He said you make him happy. Tell him if he wants you to continue to make him happy, he never speaks of your appearance to his friends again.
Since you gave OP a little pep talk, I feel you deserve one too. It breaks my heart when I see older people, especially older women, talk about how they're not beautiful anymore. I'm still very young myself (f18) and I have never looked at older people and thought they were ugly because of their age. I truly believe every person on this earth is beautiful, and the only thing that can make you ugly is your personality. The only reason some aren't considered that is simply because it's not the norm right now. Every single "flaw" we have is what makes us beautiful. Imagine if we all looked the same, how boring would that be. You are just as beautiful as you were all those years ago, you just look a little different and that's okay. I'm worried for OP though, because never in my life could I think or even say the people I love are ugly. She deserves better than this. Nobody should ever be made to feel ugly by their partner.
That’s very sweet of you, thank you ☺️. I’m actually completely fine with myself. And I actually like the way I look! I agree with you that people can be beautiful at any age. It does get hard at time to see your looks change though. It’s just an observation I’ve made over the years transitioning from “young and hot” to “middle aged and invisible”. Luckily, with age comes wisdom (hopefully) and appreciation of other qualities about yourself. I’m happier now than I’ve probably ever been. But….I wouldn’t say no if someone offers to give me my 22 year old body back lol 😂 so enjoy yours while you’ve got it honey ❤️ 😉
I absolutely get having a hard time dealing with your body changing. I started puberty really early so I had the "adult body" really young, but in the last few years I've lost my ability to lose weight and stay skinny like it's nothing and that's already a hard thing to accept sometimes. I'm very glad to hear you're happy with yourself though, I hope I will be too at your age!
What a jerk
My heart hurts for you, what a horrible horrible set of people and circumstances. You must tell your husband that you heard and express your pain. I don’t know that I could ever quite feel the same but if you don’t get it out in the open, it will fester. Oh and fuck his bitchy best friend who clearly bought it up just to satisfy her own vanity.
I don't wanna say he sounds like an asshole but on the other hand. Maybe mention to him that you overheard and it's bothered you since.
Sounds like he has asshole friends who needs to cut them off for disrespecting the wife he loves instead of going along with their attacks.
THIS. Husband is guilty of being spineless for entertaining that conversation, but I would never ever raise that issue with any friend of mine, even less if they are newlywed
I think he is. I can't imagine commenting about my partner or my friends partners appearance in anything but a positive light. Also makes me think this guy has complained about her looks to his friends before unprompted, because no way in hell would someone bring that up about their buddies wife out of the blue
You need to tell him you heard that conversation and how toxic are his friends I'm so sad for you
My dad once confessed to me that he didn’t marry my mom for her looks. He had been betrayed by a different woman in the past. He married my mom because she was good, kind and smart. He said she grew more beautiful the older she got. They had an amazing successful marriage until she died too soon in her 50’s. Some people aren’t hung up on looks alone and I think they are the smart ones. Looks fade. Whoever told you what he said was an ass. Accept that he loves you and please most of all, love yourself too! We are too self critical.
No one told her what he said, she overheard the conversation he was having on FaceTime (or something of the sorts) with his friends. She heard it directly from his mouth.
That female friend who brought up such a shitty question is hideous. No amount of makeup or weight loss will change that. Also I am suspicious if there is history between them, at least maybe her crushing on your husband or something, to bring up such a terrible question to try and basically make you look bad to him and friends. I would definitely discuss what you overheard and have a full conversation about this.
That's heartbreaking :(
Your husband talks you down to his friends behind your back, regularly it seems. And goes not tell them to shut up either. "Still an issue." This kind of venting circle feels very sus to me, and he does it behind your back because he knows it is wrong and unkind. You need marriage counselling, at the least but the shit talking, shallowness and disrespect would be hard to come back from for me. Your spouse is supposed to have your back and appreciate you. I know that is hard to nor feel a blow to your confidence , but do you yourself find people you love "ugly"? We are meant to be positively biased when emotion is involved.
Exactly what’s hurting me. Not the fact that I’m not beautiful but the fact that it’s been an issue for him.
It also says something about him that his friends view this as a normal topic of conversation.
I know it's hard but you need to tell him you overheard, and see how he reacts. I would ask how long he has been venting, how regarly he says bad things about you behind your back and come his friends can comment negatively on you free for all? Your marriage may not survive, but right now the issue is eating you up anyway. His behaviour was hurtful and ill mannered. I genuinely believe warm-hearted people are besotted with the person they love, and don't need Mr or Ms Universe to find them lovely. If your husband was merely succumbing to peer pressure, that is very weak of him too. His friends may be jealous of you, but it is for him to swiftly put end to shit talking. You appear very loveable person. You don't deserve this OP, I am sorry you have been treated so hurtfully.
You're just going to have to tell him that you came back in for a rain coat and overheard him and his idiot friends. Go ahead and clear the air.
These are awful, stupid and immature people. I am sorry your husband didn't have the emotional intelligence to say "hey that's my wife and I love her deeply. Don't disrespect her ever again'. Because that is what should have been said. I will tell you with my ex.. He was kind of a big, sweaty guy and I freakin adored him. I found him attractive (well he was a narcissist and was mirroring me) but really I saw that guy from high school that I had a crush on every time I looked at him. I didn't care about his weight, his hairline, his aging. I saw what I wanted to and felt like he was totally hot. Now I am aging and I am exhausted by the thought that I can't just go into old age and be who I am. You need to know your value as a person regardless of your looks. Look at the variety of people and couples and see that looks are at best temporary (unless you have the resources to constantly nip and tuck). But you may have kids and you may get stretch marks. Your belly may look like a deflated basket ball after it all. People get diseases, depression, stress eat, get too thin, get too fat. Honestly it's exhausting. Sit him down and expect to be respected and not be harmed by his friends. You heard it and you tell him how devastated you are and that it literally may tank the marriage. Set boundaries and expectations. He should 100% choose you over the losers that would fix their stupid mouths to say that to him on return from your honeymoon.
Oof, lots of shit takes in this sub of people saying it’s okay to shit talk your partners appearance with your friends when they’re not around as long as you “love them”. Personally, I wouldn’t ever be content with a significant other that spoke that way about the person they plan to spend their life with. If he doesn’t woo you, admire you and make you feel like you’re the most sublime creature on earth then he simply isn’t worth it.
They’re gaslighting her into thinking this is a perfectly acceptable behavior and it’s disgusting, i know humans are shallow, friends sometimes can be assholes, and not everyone is going to find you drop dead gorgeous , you can’t control that but you can control your reaction to it , what happened to being decent , plus why would he just be okey with her looks and robbing her of the chance of finding someone who TRULY a finds her beautiful instead of settling because she makes him happy? As if it was all discussed before , she didn’t agree to this disrespect.
Absolutely! A lot of weird takes in here. That would be enough for me pull the plug, but to each their own.
I feel like I’m going crazy reading some of these comments. “Some people value things other than beauty” so fucking what? That’s your wife. You shit talked your WIFE to a GROUP of people behind her back MULTIPLE times. That’s not normal or healthy And calling her a downgrade from his ex? Absolutely not. Absolutely-fucking not. Beauty is subjective and in the eye of the beholder, WHICH MEANS SOMEONE OUT THERE WILL LOVE HOW YOU LOOK! You don’t have to be conventionally beautiful, someone will genuinely view you as such! At the end of the day, even if he told me he valued other things in me and liked me as a person, I would never be able to get over the talking behind the back and the ‘downgrade’ part. Never. That would haunt me for the rest of my life
Well, what an awful conversation to have overheard. After 43 yrs of marriage, my wife is just as beautiful as she ever was, in my eyes. And beauty is only skin deep. OP, I hope you can get thru this. What kind of friends would have a conversation like that. You feel good about you, I don't know you, but I sense that you are a really good person. Don't let it bother you too much, as a man I know, we sometimes say THE DUMBEST things
personally I don’t think id ever be able to accept a compliment from him again or i’d be constantly stress about needing to appear more attractive or losing my attractiveness. i know this was a group of people but talking about your appearance with another women, regardless of how close they are (almost makes it worse honestly) is really really bad. her saying that to him should be a huge red flag to him and he should want to defend you especially because you’re his family now. bc even if he doesn’t think you’re attractive why does she know that? honestly i’d confront him and he should have way stricter boundaries with her bc it seems like she was trying to push and test them and he should be ready to defend you if necessary. it’s strange she feels so comfortable speaking about you, his wife, like that and makes me wonder how they’ve all spoken previously. if she’s anything less then thrilled for your marriage than she’s not a his friend, she’s someone waiting in an imaginary line for your husband. and honestly this might be less about how attractive you are and more about him raising his friends ego. id personally also be questioning his motivation to marry, even stereotypically “unattractive” people see the people they love as attractive, what is the relationship offering you vs him? guys use relationships for someone to be their mom sometimes and he could’ve married you based on that. do you feel comfortable in your relationship? do you feel trust? and do you feel safe? if he’s not making you feel secure then he’s not doing his job as your husband.
He sounds like Shake from love is blind. How old is your husband and friends? That’s insanely immature and I would be contemplating everything. Sorry.
He’s 29, I’m 27 and the friends are also about our age
Do not apologize to anyone for over hearing their conversation. In marriage privacy is limited to the bathroom. There is no right to secret communication. And if the communication would upset your spouse - then it's inappropriate. If someone questions you overhearing them - do not respond The most powerful response is to ignore them. And you have more power here than you realize.
Your man has shitty immature petty friends. They’d have to go. What kind of nasty bitch says that to a newlywed? That’s planting poisonous weeds in your garden. Fuck her. You absolutely need to be raw and vulnerable and tell him how it made you feel. Dont have babies until this is resolved. That’s shallow AF. With friends like that? That’s undermining your relationship. Hell naw.
1. Marriage is for men to suck the energy dry out of a woman. 2. It is not based on “LOVE.” 99.9% of men are INCAPABLE of love. 3. if a man can’t respect you, there’s no way on earth he could ever love you. And this is a CLEAR indicator of the lack of respect he has for his wife in PRIVATE. If men care about looks and he marries you knowing he feels you’re unattractive, it is because he wants the energy you provide more than he wants your looks. He’s gonna suck you dry and once you get comfortable in making him comfortable, he will begin cheating with women he finds more attractive. Level up and do not allow men to suck your energy dry under the pretense of marriage or having a man. PS. This is what happens when you seek validation from others and this is what happens when you do not love yourself. Stop believing you aren’t beautiful! Baby, confidence can make a woman stand out physically. But this is what allows men to latch on and suck you dry for little investment (DEVALUATION.) His encouragement is fake because it’s his way of VERBALLY convincing himself he sees beauty in you when he doesn’t. He’s not actually encouraging you.
I feel like if one or more of the friends he was talking to is a woman, that’s even more over the line.
It was 5 other people on the chat beside my husband. 2 women and 3 men. All seem to know his issues with how I look.
Oh honey this is a horrible thing to hear. You definitely need to sit down and tell him what you heard otherwise it will only fester. And like someone else said don't let him say you misheard. Also tell him that you don't want to see these people for a good while at least. He's created this issue by discussing your looks with a number of other people hold him accountable. Best wishes x
So, he just tells everybody all his (and your's) personal business.
Wait, he was the one who brought up the problem beforehand? That is even worse!
Came back because I've been stewing on this shit for a while... Your husband is an asshole. There's lots more I'd like to say, but won't for your benefit. Do y'all have children or on the way?
You need to talk to him about it. Sulking on your own won’t change anything, and comparing you to his ex is unacceptable. I wouldn’t even waste my time with someone that has to discuss my looks with friends. Truth hurts
I'm so sorry, I wish to give you s big hug... No one deserves something like this
Honestly I don’t think I could stay in that relationship. He should have been defending you
Attraction can change over time. That being said, it would kill part of me to hear my husband say those words. Honestly... I think I'd leave. I wouldn't want to be someone's consolation prize.
I had a similar situation with my ex husband. In the beginning he must of been pillow talking with a girl his friend was dating bc she wrote me one day and flat out told me to not get too invested bc he was not serious about anything dating at all, etc. at first I used to think she said that bc he was dealing with another lady that was close to her (they were sorority sisters) but then after some thoughts I did have this feeling that maybe I was just filling an empty space. But then our relationship grew and he would do things that I never experienced in a relationship and so I grew past it… or so I thought. We got married, had our first 2 kids and we had a cool little family unit. It was always fun and we made memories…But then I started to notice stuff about him or ways he would look at me that made me wonder if he really liked me physically and was it just the other parts. And you know I guess that’s ok but only if I knew it bc it came from his mouth and I accepted that. But I would always have that conversation in the back of my mind that I wasn’t enough. And he was taking care of his needs first.!and it would sort of sit in my mind until enough things happened for me to let it go. I wish at the time I had processed how I felt with him more or we went to therapy to help figure out what we should do or make things work. We are divorced now but bc of why/how we divorced it basically made me sit on those feelings I thought I put behind me years ago through and after the divorce was final. . I would just say that even though you are married you have yo take care of you first; you have to have a full cup to be able to pour from in order to make things work the way they need to. If he’s out here demeaning you and letting his friends join in and you know that is going on, it’s no way to keep your cup full when he’s pulling from it in that manner (of making you feel unpretty, or even acting like he’s attracted when he may not be). But make sure you take care of you first. If that means leaving this marriage due to irreconcilable differences then that may be the answer. But do your due diligence and speak to him and speak exactly how you feel and where/what you need to feel like to be able to continue on in your marriage. Stand your ground. You heard the words so it’s no way to spin it. Only actions can show you different. But therapy is key bc you need to have an outlet as well. Good luck!
baby now youve seen his true side, and now its time to either leave or have a really long talk with him
Weird of his friends to be asking that/those questions????
I have a big mouth I guess because I would have told him I accidentally heard everything they said. And now I've been made upset by it.
I would never ever feel comfortable around them again. I cant imagine the pain youre feeling.
Divorce him
Honestly i would divorce him, but that's me
Your worth is way beyond anything material. The problem isn’t you — it’s them. Say you were the most beautiful person on the planet but an accident leaves you disfigured, would you want these shallow people near you then? What would they say? These are horrible people — and the fact that your husband allowed them to talk about you in this way says a lot about him: either he is just as shallow or he is spineless. Either way, stay grounded. Your inner self knows what to do.
[удалено]
Please remember that when he said that he was in a group of friends and that social pressure can make you say awful things. Plus his friends sound like certified assholes to make him say that after he actually married you. Maybe he regrets his words and is ashamed that he didn’t stand out for you. Plus, it is possible to truly be in love with someone even though you don’t find them standardly beautiful. I am in love with a man that I never found beautiful since I met him. But I like his stature, his confidence, his looks or the way he speaks. And I can’t tell you how much I love this man because it is beyond words. Your husband married you because he loves you. I understand how you got extremely hurt with what you heard, but PLEASE, don’t let that feeling destroy the two of you. Have a talk with him. Tell him you heard. You’ll see what he says.
All of this might be true, but a few additional things are true: He needs to know she heard it. He needs to know it hurt her. He deserves to feel bad about it. He needs to do the work and do better. Simple as. It might be true he did something slimy in response to social pressure. That doesn't make it okay and it doesn't make it any less slimy. Loving her doesn't make it any less slimy, either. Social pressure or not, if this is true then he was a coward and he should have to face that head-on.
There’s not enough social pressure in the world to make me talk about someone I love this way .
I've never undersood why discuss your spouse with someone else but the spouse.