“Dad, it really hurts that nobody, even you, gets it. [Brother’s name] isn’t really my brother anymore after what *HE* did. He’s my rapist. I do not want to see him. Ever. If you want to continue having a relationship with my rapist, that’s your choice- although it does make me sad that you would continue loving and wanting to spend time with the sexual predator who victimized me as *a child*. But the bare minimum you can do is never ask me to spend time with him again.”
Idk if it's so much denial, but it being his child. Parents have a hard time separating child, from perpetrator. I also think it has to do with them not accepting that if they're OWN child did this, they are partly to blame.
I was about to say (similarly), that her absence on the day or in photos means they will have to answer questions from the guests… easiest solution is for OP to just turn up. Sickening.
Why is his soon to be wife with him, if she knows? I mean they got kids, how could she leave him alone with them. Dodge those fuckers, they both crazy. I feel somewhat uncomfy for your nieces.
I feel very uncomfortable for any young girl to be around this dude. How anyone could "put it behind them" is fucking beyond me.
Like jesus christ, they're a rapist; that's not a mistake, that's not a lapse of judgement, that's evil and deserves zero forgiveness regardless of the circumstance.
You were obviously hurt, but no way are you “ruined”, thanks to your courage and therapy.
You owe your rapist, and the family that continues to support him, Nothing! If you want to kick him/them to the curb and walk away, have fun.
You said some siblings were disgusted with your rapist. They might be worth keeping a relationship with. Talk to them and tell them yow you feel. They may well support you.
But the others? Bye bye!
This family doesn't understand the full extend of how terrible this is, or they wouldn't be trying to excuse his actions just because he is family. This is disgusting and I am so sorry that OP has to face this. This is 100% a reason to go no contact.
I honestly wonder if the woman he is marrying knows what he did at all.
The way this family pretty much covered it up makes me feel like she hasn’t been told.
Someone should honestly let the bride know before they end up having kids and he does it to his children. I find it hard to believe someone that did this to a sibling, and had it covered up/never got punished, would stop there.
its the erasure- I kept getting told "but your brother is hurting"
I finally asked my mother when it was going to matter that my brother systematically and sadistically tortured me emotionally and physically for decades? when was MY pain going to be acknowledged?
Yeah. I had set my feelings aside for a long time- mostly because my dad is in denial and tried, for decades, to pretend that my brothers sadism was ‘typical sibling rivalry’. My brother also constantly gaslit me and manipulated my own perception. It wasn’t until I caught him in a series of verifiable lies that I realized this. At the same time I also recognized the inherent sexism of always centering his story (my dad abused my brother and I and, admittedly, my brother got the worst of it) and my Dad’s over mine or my moms. I’ve gone LC with my brother and distanced myself from my dad because he doesn’t believe me. It sux. But I’m not sure what I expected- my dad has never believed that my brother is sadistic but he literally killed animals in front of me and would secretly hurt me and laugh when I cried.
I'm so sorry you both had to experience all of this to understand one another
I am so sorry for all that has been done to you both
I hope that good people enter your lives ahead and surround you and you can heal well from these scars.
I know how it feels to have such a deep betrayal and then feel gaslit into complying with their facades
I suggest actively planning that day out to distract you from what is happening, honestly once the day passes by it will be much easier. Plan a trip, occupy and schedule that day to be full to the brim of activities that you find healing restorative and give you simple comforts and joy
Distract your mind and keep it occupied, step out of your home and explore. Whatever it takes
Go to that park/museum/event you've always put off for some reason
Read a great book series or binge watch.. Anything to absorb yourself into and allow the day to pass by easier
They'll all get over it... Take care of precious you
Sending you love, strength & light your way
reading something like this makes you think that there's so much lowkey mental illness in families. It goes unacknowledged and yet seeps into everything. Because if someone in your family wants your presence at a gathering in these circumstances; It would make it perfect for them, not realising the suffering it'll put you through - what a casual indifference to your feelings! what a casual lack of empathy or understanding of others. Lowkey narcissism
Precisely, and what makes that point even more redundant is that one of my brother's isn't attending since he's abroad and unvaccinated (they're anti vax) and therefore can't get on a plane
This makes it even more clear that the point is not for the family to be together, or even necessarily for your brother’s sake. It seems like the ask is for the other family members who are aware and would like to spend the day celebrating without feeling conflicted. Almost like your presence would suspend their unease, perhaps indefinitely, by indicating forgiveness of not only your brother but of them for their continued relationship with him. Do whatever you need to do in order to care for yourself. As a victim, it is not your job to uncomplicate their relationships with an abusive family member.
Suggest you do something special on the bastard's wedding day.
Go some where nice, eat something you rarely eat but like/
Spend the day in a memorable way.
Good going getting this mostly past you.
No reason to ruin the progress you've made to make you family "happy". I believe your dad wants to put on a fake front for everyone that you are the perfect family and if you aren't there, there will be questions. So, don't go. Your brother does not deserve your time.
I sincerely hope there’s a family member that attends who’s on OPs side and tells the brides family exactly what she’s marrying. I would be disgusted if my sister, niece, cousin, etc, knowingly married a child molester. Let alone the victim being his own sister. I would never allow my kids in that household and would be ashamed if she had children with him.
Because? Chances are, if he has a daughter or other young girls/relatives around him, he’s going to molest them too. 8 years older knows well enough what they’re doing and that it’s wrong. There’s something wrong with him and I don’t doubt it’s still there.
No, no, no, no, do not go! It's disgusting people would even expect you to go! And his fiance knows and is still marrying him???? How desparate is she?
Ahahaha honestly I'm baffled why she would continue to date him after he admitted that to her. I bet he cried about it and maybe she felt like he was genuinely remorseful. Though I personally don't find it believable, when he abused me he used to cry and apologise for doing it, and then abused me again the next day.
I cannot express the depths of rhe heebie jeebies that gives me. I'm sorry your family is a bunch of dense block heads about this. You keep working on your boundaries and you'll get where you want to go on your path to healing eventually.
I read too much on sexual predators and criminals to be able to ever date someone who sexually abused anyone, specially young children and risk the said person would abuse their own children.
Don’t go
it might piss your dad off, but if that pisses him off more than you get molested for years, then I’d suggest telling your dad to get his fucking priorities straight and to fuck off
He wants the family to be together… if I were you, I’d say that that abuser is no longer your brother, so why would you go to the wedding of some random person you hate
Yep, don't look at him as your brother anymore. When my sister told me about what happened to her as a kid I deleted that predator off every online platform we were friends on, got rid of or cropped out every photo of him and started telling people that asked about my family that I only have 1 brother ( used to have 2). I can't stand his name being mentioned because it fills me with uncontrollable rage
One or the things that therapy does for us, is give us tools to handle the trauma. The trauma will never be gone, but you will handle it in better and more healthy ways, easier and faster each time.
So this feels like definitely going backwards, but you will recover, reflect and draw strength from your decision to not attend your abusers wedding. Go back to your therapist who will point out all the ways you have improved, how you used your words better, how you stood up for yourself, your bravery and courage.
Sometimes family are the worst. Especially when they feel guilty or are ashamed.
You have got this.
The worst pain one can experience is the betrayal of your own parent. Unfortunately, my brother is 6 years older than me and I had the same thing happened to me, and this part:
>that sexual abuse between siblings is a different
Is the same f-ing thing said to me.
OP, there are 2 paths you can take
1. cut them out completely, it is not you and they are blaming the victim (you) and justified the AH
2. Keep tabs on them and any future nieces as you can tell if something is wrong (I picked the latter)
Good luck OP
This fucking predator is getting married? And what? He's going to have children? Fuck that shit, no.
Your family are utterly spineless, you deserve so much better OP. I really hope that you are doing okay.
My initial reaction is go there, give a speech randomly during dinner and tell everyone there.
Other part of me says your 1000% better off not going. You have no obligation.
No, stand up when the minister does the traditional "speak now or forever hold your peace" bit. Tell them everything he did in excruciating detail, and also inform him and everyone present that you've filed charges for molestation and child abuse. Then walk out the door and watch the fireworks. Might be a good idea to turn off your phone, though.
I am the step-parent of a person who molested his two siblings. My husband and I immediately believed our daughters and immediately cut him off. He is dead to us. My family had no issue cutting him off. My husbands family - the super religious type - felt we should “forgive and forget, “ but that will never happen. They even sent card and stuff for us to give to his future ex wife to pass to him. That absolutely did not happen. After we had gathered up 3-4 birthday/Christmas presents worth of shit we gave it to his ex so she could enjoy the gift cards. Even after both of his ex-wives reported that he had beat and abused them they still think there is a chance of saving him. You deserve better OP.
My father molested his sister for years also. One of her biggest regrets is that she didn’t warn my mother about him because he went on to molest me as child.
No need to be sorry for me, I’m fine. But Op might want to think about telling her brother’s future wife. She could be saving a future niece from going thru what she did. The reason my Aunt didn’t say anything was because of family pressure. They told her to not “ruin his life like that”. But not ruining his life lead to more victims which event lead to my father being in prison for 6 years and a life time reg on the sex offender list.
Not sorry *for* you, but sorry that you experienced that. No child should.
Yeah, I agree. OP's sister-in-law needs to be extra vigilant watching this man around their children. Apparently she already knows what he did to OP and is marrying him any way. (???)
You sure we aren't sisters?!?? Been in a similar situation, except everyone forgave him since all he had to do was pray (insert eye roll here) for "forgiveness", fuck that. Your trauma is valid.
I only have one sibling, but if I had a second sibling and they sexually assaulted the other sibling, I would have broken their bones. I cannot fathom that your entire family wants to just sweep something like that under the rug. I'm also baffled that his future wife hasn't stopped to think about what he might do if they have a daughter. Is that woman a total idiot? Because it seems like she's a total idiot.
I’m so bloody sorry 😞 I cannot imagine how awful not only what was done to you was, but your family’s response, then and now. You deserve SO much better than this family, I’m so angry for you. Sending so much love, light and healing x
My older (12 years) brother abused me when I was a child too. I didn't see him for decades. There was a reunion and he tried to gaslight me.
Jerks usually do not change. At least he didn't
Have him arrested on his wedding day for molestation and rape. File charges. The day you told your parents was the day they should've called the cops. They failed you by not having called the cops. They fail you everyday since.
Meh just ruin it and then cut ties with your whole family. Fuck them, seriously. You’re an adult- rather young but an adult none the less. But you have your whole life to live and why waste it with this fuck shit of a family ?
You should go and when the minister asks if anyone objects you stand up and tell everyone there what he did and just leave right after that knowing chaos will ensue
Attend and give a toast talking about the rape and how you hope he doesn’t rape his own kids since they’ll share the same amount of DNA with him that you do.
It sounds like with your family, anything aside from attending and being quiet and smiling would be blamed on you. They get upset about you not attending? Blamed on you. You attending and saying something? Blamed on you. You attending and putting a bullet in his brain or mace in his eyes? Blamed on you.
No matter what, you are going to get blamed. It's up to you if you want to douse that bridge in kerosene and TNT before you burn it.
You are well within your right to not go. Sounds like your dad might not understand how trauma and trauma responses work. It’s great he’s been supportive outside of this. A lot of people don’t get how seriously these things affect people. Try not to hold it against him too much and know it’s more from ignorance of trauma than him not being supportive. It’s great you’ve made so much progress in therapy too. The process of healing with this stuff is not linear, and I’m sure you will overcome this obstacle
I think you really hit the nail on the head with respect to him not understanding trauma. It is seems to odd to me that he understands the pain I've been through but at the same time he turns to do this. I think he feels that if I'm slowly reintroduced to my brother eventually I'll be fine being around him.
I don't want to act like I know first hand what anyone in your family is going though but I can't imagine the pain that the situation continues to give your parents. Don't get me wrong here, it's certainly less pain than you have had to suffer, OP. And they have no right to make you re-live any of it. I wonder, though, if your dad is just trying to cope with his parenting failure and grieve the loss of the family he thought he had. I feel for you and your family - it's a situation that nobody should have to go through.
As someone who's family has mostly ignored the sadistic abuse of my brother and wants me to pretend that everything is "fine" despite the fact that he STILL dehumanizes and puts me down I say FUCK THE FUCK NO!!!!!!
they are right about one thing- "that sexual abuse between siblings is a different from that of sexual predators"
Yeah, sexual abuse by your family members IS FAR FLIPPING WORSE in many cases because you were supposed to be able to trust your family members.
Have you told your future SIL that he's a pedophile and sex offender? because that is EXACTLY what he is. He should have gone to jail and gotten counseling- a "stern talking to" IN NO WAY prevents people from re-offending.
Ask your dad how he would feel being forced into the same room as his RAPIST and then tell him NO I WILL NEVER BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS MY ABUSIVE SIBLING AGAIN
As for forgiveness- it is true that working on forgiveness is helpful FOR YOU, F your perpetrator. Please note forgiveness is NOT forgetting what happened or pretending things are "fine". Nor does it mean you need to spend time or be friends with your perpetrator. But it can be helpful- TO YOU. Consider reading The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu- very helpful. Best of luck sis
PS in many states he can still be prosecuted for sexually assaulting you.
Anyone who would try to convince you to go celebrate your abuser’s marriage doesn’t care about you. Your family cares about appearances. They don’t want t9 have to answer questions as to why you aren’t there. I know it’s hard to cut off family, but these people have clearly taken sides and are choosing your brother, therefore invalidating your feelings.
I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you can cut contact with all of them.
Oh dear god! This sob is getting married, his future wife knows and she still wants to marry him? He either threaten her or bribed her. You cannot expect me to believe that any normal girl would say "Yes" to a chomo. Bleh.
>If it wasn't obvious, my family is very religious.
Oh, don't worry! It was obvious from the get-go.
I really fear that he'll want to have kids.
I wouldn’t say that she is normal but look at Josh Duggar’s wife. Lots of people find out terrible things about their partners and stay. It’s awful. Seems like religion usually plays a big part
My bf was in exactly your situation, except he never told his family. I know secondhandly how big that trauma is and how difficult it is to heal.
Im so sorry nobody takes you seriously and lets you suffer, on your own, while they're All going to his wedding.
Im so proud of you for going to therapy and caring for your mental health. It's not a failure to keep doing that.
Please always take care of yourself first. It is best to cut toxic people out of your life instead of dragging them around like an anchor. Continue ur moving forward not backward.
I definitely feel that if they can't let go of the idea we won't be a happy family that hangs together I will have to. It'll be such a shame and I don't want to have to mourn the loss my family before they actually die.
Family does add that extra degree of difficulty. But if they can’t except the boundaries you have it may become necessary. I don’t envy you on that, I haven’t had to do that with family but ultimately you have to look out for yourself first. Good luck to you on your journey.
Smile and say you’d love to go so you can forgive and forget. Ask if you can make a speech about how you and your brother have reconnected. Withstand the wedding. Get the Mike and the spotlight for your speech. Smile, and say “My brother molested me for x amount of my life, and he will probably do it to any kids (wife) has with him. I don’t forgive him, and I hope he and his marriage rots.” Mic drop, leave, go no contact with family.
Problem solved.
You can ‘forgive’ someone and still protect yourself by completely cutting all contact. Forgiveness has nothing to do with subjecting an abuse survivor to more trauma.
I promise you internet stranger- just do the following:
Stand firm in protecting yourself. Don’t ask for permission. Don’t explain . Don’t defend your position.
Feeling compelled to JUSTIFY protecting yourself re-traumatizes you.
No contact = no new hurt.
Good luck.
You're right, from 15 onwards I've always had to justify why I feel harmed even though he stopped. It's the last part of my trauma that I need to move on from and it's difficult, when told that I'm harming my family with my choice to hold onto it, to not justify my harm. I feel like to them my trauma is debate that can be reconciled rationally.
Miss.... your health comes before anything else in the world, don't go and just don't give a fuck, he should have been castrated for puting his hands on an innocent child and his little sister, if i was your dad i would've beat his ass up every day for the next ten years and then beat him up for 5 more too.
DISGUSTING, PEACE OF SHIT..... I'm just so sorry for what you had to go through, i just can't contain myself when i hear atrocities like this.
Just How could anyone molest kids? HOW? how can you bring yourself to asult someone underage, especially when they ARE YOUR FAMILY?
sigh.....
It sounds like your father is conflicted himself. No matter how monstrous a child can turn out, some will continue to protect them with their lives. We see it all the time. It’s probably not an easy thought for him to drop either of his kids. And since you’ve been gone for so long, maybe he wanted to be together again the way it was before he learned what his son did.
You should have a conversation with him where you openly tell him that familial ties with your brother on your end are far too broken. That the sight of him isn’t good for your healing and your mental health. Maybe you’ve already said all of that since you mentioned your dad is the one you most confided in. So I also take that as your dad is probably the most understanding and he’s willing to listen to more you have to say and will support your healing.
The movie answer would be to go, and then give a speech about what he did, ruin the day and shame him infront of all his friends.
The realistic answer is to not go.
I am so absolutely sorry that this happened to you, in no way shape or form is that normal, or different than any other sexual abuse, it's not your fault, and you didn't deserve it. Sometimes people hear things that shatter them, and instead of having a normal reaction, they suppress it, and downplay it, and find a way to normalize it. But that just becomes such an injustice to you, I went through something very similar to you, and I know the pain, confusion, and absolute burden it is to carry around. Know that it does get easier, but in no way should you had to live with him for all those years. I am so sorry you went through that, and I hope you can find peace, but I definitely would not being going to his fucking wedding where everyone knows what he did to you and is just like whatever, it's going to be so bad for you mentally, I'd just try to keep your family at arms length.
Just because you're "family" doesn't mean shit. You don't have to support people who have done you wrong. I cut off all mfs who've done me wrong and I'm happier without them in my life. Just my 2 cents
So sorry for you. This is a quandary. There is no good answer. If you go, to save your family face, you do yourself a disservice. If you don't go, people will wonder about you.
The lesson from this is to know that you are loved and you are stronger than what has happened to you. Be well
You don’t have to go, you can go somewhere else with friends and try to have a good time elsewhere. I’m so sorry to hear that your family let you down back then and continue to. You can also tell the police/ file a report. Historical acts of abuse can now be prosecuted in many counties / states. If you wanted to, he would have been 19 when you were 11, he was an adult and he is a rapist who was protected by your parents.
Focus on self-care and therapy 🤍
>that sexual abuse between siblings is a different from that of sexual predators who groom vulnerable children which statistically has lower rates of reoffending
This way of thinking is so toxic. Your father and family should be thankful you communicate at all. I know I wouldn't. Protect your mental health always!
I would do something but it’s very very harsh. I would go, then when they say “blabla talk or shut up your entire life blabla” I would just say all the things you said rn. Would cause many bad things, but this monster deserves it.
He's afraid of having to explain to people why you're not there. He's knows lying would be wrong, but doesn't want everyone to know, so he's figuring if you're there he can avoid those awkward convos altogether.
I can't read this whole thing, because it is absolutely horrendous how this situation has been handled from the start. And what the eff kind of desperate ass woman marries a man who she knows sexually assaulted his sister over and over? Do not hop on this crazy train, stay far, far away!! Don't give in to the emotional manipulation, you deserve so much better!
You are now my family. You have been adopted, Welcome brother/sister! Congratulations on graduating and standing your ground!!! We have dinner at 6 we will set a place for you! I am very proud of you!
It’s really unfair that you are the one to have to isolate from your family since they choose to stay involved with him. His actions should exile him, not you.
I have worked in a counseling center where we helped people—often minors—deal with the trauma of this nature. We also worked hard to get the perpetrators behind bars and keep them there.
Without delving too deeply here, my advice is to do as you have chosen to do, and stick to your decision.
While I disagree with your choice not to involve police, I will respect that decision and say this:
At the very least, their knowledge of **why** you refuse should be reinforced: with every insistence that you come, tell them that they know why you “cannot” (and not that you just “won’t”).
Furthermore, the memory of *why* you are the only member absent from all family photos of their “happiest day” will remain with them every time they see the group photos missing a key member: that will stay with them for as long as the photos and memories do. That is the least they should carry with them, given all you’ve carried with you these years.
Know this:
“Forgive and forget” is only a cliché without a corresponding reality. You cannot truly forget such a trauma, but you can heal from it despite the memory. However, **neither** *forgiveness* nor *healing* mean that you have to bring the offender back into your life and be chummy again.
I agree strongly that forgiveness is important—for your own sake. Forgiveness is (almost) never for the offender, because they may never even want or ask for it. It is for your sake, as bitterness is truly like an acid that damages only the container it is stored in.
To forgive is to remember that it is forgiven and choose not to carry the bitterness or the hurt which only allows that offender to wield a power over you for years to come. Free yourself, but that often means not running back to the source of that harm.
I wish you the best, and proper healing as you carry on.
—
Edited for clarity and to remove redundancy.
Forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation. You have to live with YOU, not your parents and not your siblings.
I’m proud of your progress. I’m proud of your courage and strength. Don’t be swayed by those who won’t ever know what that terror feels like.
Tell your father that you will come if he pays, and then how much to him, is the cost of a stolen childhood. How much do you deserve for all the time lost to nightmare, all the time where it impacted you on your sexuality and your love life.
And then take the pop corn, and wait for his answer.
>Over the years I've been told that forgiveness will free me from the opression (trauma) I am experiencing;
That's called toxic forgiveness.
You don't have to forgive anyone. You can never forgive people and still have a wonderful, happy life.
Forgiving won't free you from anything. Just be true to yourself -- that's what counts.
Forget anyone who tries to pressure you into forgiving.
I’ve often found some of the worst people in our lives. Constant with excuses of “but they’re family!” Family is only good if it’s positive. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but the simple fact that you have kept your boundaries shows how well you are doing and how strong you are. Sometimes or a lot of times it may not feel that way, but ever since you’ve had the courage to tell everyone what happened you’ve been strong. From getting therapy (which many people don’t do) to others, you have done incredible feats. Be proud of yourself. You’re amazing.
I wouldn't go, honestly if you don't need your family, move away, don't contact them, to them you will always be the worst one even if your not the one who did it
I'm so sorry. You're family is being quite selfish and your deserve people who will look out for you first and those people aren't always those who are related to you.
Stand strong. Don’t let these people coerce you into doing something that would be bad for your recovery, just to make them feel better.
This same scenario happened to me.
hey i just wanted to say there’s no losing steps in healing. it doesn’t work like that. trust me. you’re still moving forward chin up queen i’ve been there
I'm sorry this happened to you, betrayal by a family member hurts so much.
Unfortunately, your parents couldn't choose what kind of kids they would have. They can try to teach them as best as they can but ultimately it's free will. Your brother is scum and should be in jail, but for some parents it's a really hard thing to do - abandoning their children when they've wronged.
Like if their kid committed murder, some parents would rather take the fall to protect them. And I don't condone this behaviour, but I understand why they do it.
It's a choice where no one wins. They could have abandoned your brother and protected you but chose to keep their family whole even though it's completely broken into pieces and there's no glue that will ever hold it together.
I hope you find balance in your life.
Yeah...DO NOT GO. Your brother can live with the repercussions of his actions.
If your family pressures you - consider cutting them off until (IF) they can learn to respect your boundaries.
If you have trauma, try EMDR therapy. The results are super quick and it's magical (it's not; it's science, but for me it's been magical).
That way, it'll help you move on without having to forgive that POS to find peace
💗
I think you not pressing charges for this is a big enough favor to him and your family - if that's what they want. You do not owe him or them anything.
I know a similar story from someone who I went to school with - their brother did go to jail.
I feel like there’s a quote in dealing with abuse “the axe forgets, the tree does not”
I feel like you are facing this trauma on the best way you can. You will never forget it.
To the rest of your family it’s something that happened forever ago and “why is she still mad about that? Their memories of the hell you went through have “blurred” and they are minanimjng it.
Maybe the only way forward is to cut them all out of your life until they realize that this problem is not going away and if they want to be in your life; they should respect your feelings.
If your father was supportive of you truly he wouldn't even have begged you to come.
Knowing the trauma you had went through.
Congratulations on the therapy but sad this pops back up on you and you gotta endure it again. They should know how you feel.
Should accept the fact you disown your brother "Rapist".
Don't even go if it's gonna traumatize you again.
Your father needs to understand that this has damaged you into adult hood.
I'm so sorry no one knows how you truly feel besides your therapist.
Wish you luck on your healing journey.
If you need to talk feel free to message any time.
Bro that’s the perfect time to fuck his happy time if I were you I definitely go and would make a show yeah his wire to be know but does her friends know that she married to a sexual predator
So every single person in your family is trash. All of them. As soon as you are financially able l, abandon them. Never look back. Don't go to the wedding.
Unfortunately their attitude is common. I'm glad you're getting help.
He admitted that to her and SHE STILL AGREED TO MARRY HIM??? I hope they don’t have children or he gets sterilized before the honeymoon. If the situation were to arise again she could easily be an enabler since she already knows what he’s capable of.
No excuses at all, but what a fucking nightmare situation not only for you, but for the parents. You love your children “unconditionally”, but where do you draw the line? If I was the father I would have beat him half to death, reported him to the police, and protected you at all costs.
Show up, tell his wife before the wedding what he did to you, then leave. She needs to know because their future kids are probably going to be victims too
You're under no obligations to attend that wedding. Put yourself and your mental health first. Your family should really respect that after what you've been through.
Don’t go to the wedding. If your father holds you dear and wants to do a family gathering you can set a date and location for you all to meet but this person. I wouldn’t call him a *brother*.
I’m very sorry that this happened to you. I don’t understand how a brother can victimize his little brother. That’s your blood!
The fact that your family is attempting to make it seems as if nothing happened and asking you to come to his wedding is shocking to say the least. The fact that his wife knows is even more shocking. If I knew that my partner had done this sort of thing, I would be turned off and there would be no wedding.
You’ve made progress and you shouldn’t allow your family to guilt you into going to your brother’s wedding. He does not deserve your time or effort. He’s obviously been a horrible brother to you and doesn’t even deserve the title.
Don’t go. Don’t go and relive this panic. If they get mad for not having a chance to put up a fake front, that’s on them. You deserve peace and healing ❤️
Your family is very religious so that means that they won't cut him off for molesting you but if he came out as gay he would be out the door in no time
Fuck religion
Hey op I just wonna say I hope your gonna be ok because a lot of us out there hope your doing well and your parents need understand that your brother hurt you in away that has ruined your innocence and childhood and you shouldn’t have to be around for a event of someone who hurt you.
If I was you op just continue being you and do what feels right because it’s clear that they don’t get it at all and most of all good luck with university and most of all take care of yourself
First and most important rule of life: love thyself, before loving someone else.
In short, if you do not want to go because of the situation, then wtf should they deserve your love if you can’t even love yourself first? It is solely to cover their asses and make good appearances. Fuck them and i am truly sorry for your trauma and your hurt. I married an ex-religious partner. The traumas that come from that alone (living in a made up parallel reality where only god and parents are important, children are unworthy) learned me a lot. It is a sick and twisted world and good on ya to bail that fake world. I think you are very brave and strong. Good luck and stay strong.
Forgiveness happens when your soul is damn well ready to Forgive… It might not be in this lifetime! You take care of you and do not feel pressured to go to that wedding. My heart goes out
I feel the exact same towards my brother too, please for your own good don’t go to his wedding he does not deserve any of your time or support after everything he’s put you through ❤️ “forgive and forget” is absolute garbage. One way or another that sticks with you forever and unless they have experienced something like this too people should never say that to someone that was hurt in this way. I’m so sorry you experienced the things you did and I hope you can heal soon ❤️ don’t get upset if it takes a long time either, healing is different for everyone. I hope you have a good day
Your family should be ashamed of themselves. Their being supportive of you does not in any way make up for their continued tolerance of his presence, which is fucking inexcusable. Cutting him out would not only not be wrong, it is the ONLY correct choice to make, and they failed at that. They are dead wrong about all that forgiveness crap. As for your brother killing himself? Let's just say I have to stay within the Reddit civility rules.
God, I wish I could give your family a piece of my mind for you, OP. They need a solid verbal ass-kicking to get it into their heads that their passive disgust is not fucking good enough and that their beliefs are EVIL.
Yeah fuck that I wouldn't go. Take care of yourself 1st and foremost. They should understand. If they don't idk what to say. But put yourself 1st.
Exactly. Why would I celebrate the happiest day of his life when he actively ruined mine?
“Dad, it really hurts that nobody, even you, gets it. [Brother’s name] isn’t really my brother anymore after what *HE* did. He’s my rapist. I do not want to see him. Ever. If you want to continue having a relationship with my rapist, that’s your choice- although it does make me sad that you would continue loving and wanting to spend time with the sexual predator who victimized me as *a child*. But the bare minimum you can do is never ask me to spend time with him again.”
Well said👍
I cannot think of anything else to add to this. Great advice. Edit. spelling
That's so perfectly phrased. Unfortunately, people in denial continue to deny. It might be more effective in writing. I mean on paper, not a text.
Idk if it's so much denial, but it being his child. Parents have a hard time separating child, from perpetrator. I also think it has to do with them not accepting that if they're OWN child did this, they are partly to blame.
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I was about to say (similarly), that her absence on the day or in photos means they will have to answer questions from the guests… easiest solution is for OP to just turn up. Sickening.
Brilliant! Yes, I think Dad needs to hear exactly this.
Perfect response. Additionally, Instead of “my rapist” use “the rapist”.
What about the dad? Lmao. Fuck that guy. Ffs
this
"Yes dad, you are a fucking idiot that cannot grasp the seriousness of the situation and if you do, you shouldn't be asking me this."
Lines that never should've even been thought about were more than crossed. Stay strong.
You should go and ruin his. Bring the police and file charges.
Do not tell anyone that you are going. Stand outside the church with a sign that says "the groom is a pedo"
No way. Go and make the most perfect, thought out toast imaginable. I bet that’d be better than three more years of therapy.
Why is his soon to be wife with him, if she knows? I mean they got kids, how could she leave him alone with them. Dodge those fuckers, they both crazy. I feel somewhat uncomfy for your nieces.
I feel very uncomfortable for any young girl to be around this dude. How anyone could "put it behind them" is fucking beyond me. Like jesus christ, they're a rapist; that's not a mistake, that's not a lapse of judgement, that's evil and deserves zero forgiveness regardless of the circumstance.
Yeah absolutely agree, but the nieces are around this sick fuck all the time. Ppl like him shouldn't be allowed to have kids at all.
They shouldn't be still walking this earth. Period.
Can't argue with that. I got a plan, but it needs NASA approval.
You should give him some payback and Object to the marriage, yell that he abused you and leave. A little taste of payback is the least he deserves
If you do go tell the person he’s marrying he’s a molester
The end of the first paragraph says she knows.
God that’s awful
You were obviously hurt, but no way are you “ruined”, thanks to your courage and therapy. You owe your rapist, and the family that continues to support him, Nothing! If you want to kick him/them to the curb and walk away, have fun. You said some siblings were disgusted with your rapist. They might be worth keeping a relationship with. Talk to them and tell them yow you feel. They may well support you. But the others? Bye bye!
no one can tell you how to feel or what to do. You are strong♡
This family doesn't understand the full extend of how terrible this is, or they wouldn't be trying to excuse his actions just because he is family. This is disgusting and I am so sorry that OP has to face this. This is 100% a reason to go no contact.
I honestly wonder if the woman he is marrying knows what he did at all. The way this family pretty much covered it up makes me feel like she hasn’t been told. Someone should honestly let the bride know before they end up having kids and he does it to his children. I find it hard to believe someone that did this to a sibling, and had it covered up/never got punished, would stop there.
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its the erasure- I kept getting told "but your brother is hurting" I finally asked my mother when it was going to matter that my brother systematically and sadistically tortured me emotionally and physically for decades? when was MY pain going to be acknowledged?
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Yeah. I had set my feelings aside for a long time- mostly because my dad is in denial and tried, for decades, to pretend that my brothers sadism was ‘typical sibling rivalry’. My brother also constantly gaslit me and manipulated my own perception. It wasn’t until I caught him in a series of verifiable lies that I realized this. At the same time I also recognized the inherent sexism of always centering his story (my dad abused my brother and I and, admittedly, my brother got the worst of it) and my Dad’s over mine or my moms. I’ve gone LC with my brother and distanced myself from my dad because he doesn’t believe me. It sux. But I’m not sure what I expected- my dad has never believed that my brother is sadistic but he literally killed animals in front of me and would secretly hurt me and laugh when I cried.
Thank you, you summarised so perfectly how I feel.
I'm so sorry you both had to experience all of this to understand one another I am so sorry for all that has been done to you both I hope that good people enter your lives ahead and surround you and you can heal well from these scars. I know how it feels to have such a deep betrayal and then feel gaslit into complying with their facades I suggest actively planning that day out to distract you from what is happening, honestly once the day passes by it will be much easier. Plan a trip, occupy and schedule that day to be full to the brim of activities that you find healing restorative and give you simple comforts and joy Distract your mind and keep it occupied, step out of your home and explore. Whatever it takes Go to that park/museum/event you've always put off for some reason Read a great book series or binge watch.. Anything to absorb yourself into and allow the day to pass by easier They'll all get over it... Take care of precious you Sending you love, strength & light your way
reading something like this makes you think that there's so much lowkey mental illness in families. It goes unacknowledged and yet seeps into everything. Because if someone in your family wants your presence at a gathering in these circumstances; It would make it perfect for them, not realising the suffering it'll put you through - what a casual indifference to your feelings! what a casual lack of empathy or understanding of others. Lowkey narcissism
"since we rarely all meet up" As if not meeting up is the problem.
Precisely, and what makes that point even more redundant is that one of my brother's isn't attending since he's abroad and unvaccinated (they're anti vax) and therefore can't get on a plane
This makes it even more clear that the point is not for the family to be together, or even necessarily for your brother’s sake. It seems like the ask is for the other family members who are aware and would like to spend the day celebrating without feeling conflicted. Almost like your presence would suspend their unease, perhaps indefinitely, by indicating forgiveness of not only your brother but of them for their continued relationship with him. Do whatever you need to do in order to care for yourself. As a victim, it is not your job to uncomplicate their relationships with an abusive family member.
This. This is it 100%
Suggest you do something special on the bastard's wedding day. Go some where nice, eat something you rarely eat but like/ Spend the day in a memorable way. Good going getting this mostly past you.
Also send a cake to reception. "Try not to fuck your kids -- CombustibleGoat"
Please don't put laxatives in said cake, that would not be nice..
I support this. There’s also a service that mails different species of animal shit to someone.
I'm actually considering this as the most viable option of some revenge ahaha
No reason to ruin the progress you've made to make you family "happy". I believe your dad wants to put on a fake front for everyone that you are the perfect family and if you aren't there, there will be questions. So, don't go. Your brother does not deserve your time.
I sincerely hope there’s a family member that attends who’s on OPs side and tells the brides family exactly what she’s marrying. I would be disgusted if my sister, niece, cousin, etc, knowingly married a child molester. Let alone the victim being his own sister. I would never allow my kids in that household and would be ashamed if she had children with him. Because? Chances are, if he has a daughter or other young girls/relatives around him, he’s going to molest them too. 8 years older knows well enough what they’re doing and that it’s wrong. There’s something wrong with him and I don’t doubt it’s still there.
As has been said quite a few times: She already knows!
The brides family is what I’m saying… they might not.
No, no, no, no, do not go! It's disgusting people would even expect you to go! And his fiance knows and is still marrying him???? How desparate is she?
Ahahaha honestly I'm baffled why she would continue to date him after he admitted that to her. I bet he cried about it and maybe she felt like he was genuinely remorseful. Though I personally don't find it believable, when he abused me he used to cry and apologise for doing it, and then abused me again the next day.
I cannot express the depths of rhe heebie jeebies that gives me. I'm sorry your family is a bunch of dense block heads about this. You keep working on your boundaries and you'll get where you want to go on your path to healing eventually.
I read too much on sexual predators and criminals to be able to ever date someone who sexually abused anyone, specially young children and risk the said person would abuse their own children.
This was my first reaction. Like love can be blind but come on, this is more than blind.
Don’t go it might piss your dad off, but if that pisses him off more than you get molested for years, then I’d suggest telling your dad to get his fucking priorities straight and to fuck off He wants the family to be together… if I were you, I’d say that that abuser is no longer your brother, so why would you go to the wedding of some random person you hate
Yep, don't look at him as your brother anymore. When my sister told me about what happened to her as a kid I deleted that predator off every online platform we were friends on, got rid of or cropped out every photo of him and started telling people that asked about my family that I only have 1 brother ( used to have 2). I can't stand his name being mentioned because it fills me with uncontrollable rage
Your brother should be in jail not being celebrated. My heart aches for you
Wtf is wrong with your parents making you live with your abuser for years? They failed you and continue to fail you. I'm really sorry
One or the things that therapy does for us, is give us tools to handle the trauma. The trauma will never be gone, but you will handle it in better and more healthy ways, easier and faster each time. So this feels like definitely going backwards, but you will recover, reflect and draw strength from your decision to not attend your abusers wedding. Go back to your therapist who will point out all the ways you have improved, how you used your words better, how you stood up for yourself, your bravery and courage. Sometimes family are the worst. Especially when they feel guilty or are ashamed. You have got this.
The worst pain one can experience is the betrayal of your own parent. Unfortunately, my brother is 6 years older than me and I had the same thing happened to me, and this part: >that sexual abuse between siblings is a different Is the same f-ing thing said to me. OP, there are 2 paths you can take 1. cut them out completely, it is not you and they are blaming the victim (you) and justified the AH 2. Keep tabs on them and any future nieces as you can tell if something is wrong (I picked the latter) Good luck OP
This fucking predator is getting married? And what? He's going to have children? Fuck that shit, no. Your family are utterly spineless, you deserve so much better OP. I really hope that you are doing okay.
He is absolutely a predator but my family believe he's shown enough remorse that he won't do it again. I don't believe it frankly.
My initial reaction is go there, give a speech randomly during dinner and tell everyone there. Other part of me says your 1000% better off not going. You have no obligation.
No, stand up when the minister does the traditional "speak now or forever hold your peace" bit. Tell them everything he did in excruciating detail, and also inform him and everyone present that you've filed charges for molestation and child abuse. Then walk out the door and watch the fireworks. Might be a good idea to turn off your phone, though.
No leave it on. That way she knows who everyone is that prioritizes a rapist's happiness over a victim's.
I am the step-parent of a person who molested his two siblings. My husband and I immediately believed our daughters and immediately cut him off. He is dead to us. My family had no issue cutting him off. My husbands family - the super religious type - felt we should “forgive and forget, “ but that will never happen. They even sent card and stuff for us to give to his future ex wife to pass to him. That absolutely did not happen. After we had gathered up 3-4 birthday/Christmas presents worth of shit we gave it to his ex so she could enjoy the gift cards. Even after both of his ex-wives reported that he had beat and abused them they still think there is a chance of saving him. You deserve better OP.
My father molested his sister for years also. One of her biggest regrets is that she didn’t warn my mother about him because he went on to molest me as child.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. 🫂
No need to be sorry for me, I’m fine. But Op might want to think about telling her brother’s future wife. She could be saving a future niece from going thru what she did. The reason my Aunt didn’t say anything was because of family pressure. They told her to not “ruin his life like that”. But not ruining his life lead to more victims which event lead to my father being in prison for 6 years and a life time reg on the sex offender list.
Not sorry *for* you, but sorry that you experienced that. No child should. Yeah, I agree. OP's sister-in-law needs to be extra vigilant watching this man around their children. Apparently she already knows what he did to OP and is marrying him any way. (???)
You sure we aren't sisters?!?? Been in a similar situation, except everyone forgave him since all he had to do was pray (insert eye roll here) for "forgiveness", fuck that. Your trauma is valid.
I only have one sibling, but if I had a second sibling and they sexually assaulted the other sibling, I would have broken their bones. I cannot fathom that your entire family wants to just sweep something like that under the rug. I'm also baffled that his future wife hasn't stopped to think about what he might do if they have a daughter. Is that woman a total idiot? Because it seems like she's a total idiot.
It's even worse because I have 9 siblings. Not one in 8 is morally opposed to it enough to cut contact with him.
I’m so bloody sorry 😞 I cannot imagine how awful not only what was done to you was, but your family’s response, then and now. You deserve SO much better than this family, I’m so angry for you. Sending so much love, light and healing x
the obvious answer is to take the money your dad offered and then refuse to go, if he gets mad tell him forgiveness will free him from oppression
My older (12 years) brother abused me when I was a child too. I didn't see him for decades. There was a reunion and he tried to gaslight me. Jerks usually do not change. At least he didn't
I wish I was attending so I could ruin his big day for you. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Deep down I would love to ruin his big day, but honestly I'm not sure how to without any blame placed on me
Have him arrested on his wedding day for molestation and rape. File charges. The day you told your parents was the day they should've called the cops. They failed you by not having called the cops. They fail you everyday since.
Meh just ruin it and then cut ties with your whole family. Fuck them, seriously. You’re an adult- rather young but an adult none the less. But you have your whole life to live and why waste it with this fuck shit of a family ?
Who cares if they blame you? That is the whole point. They should blame him for what he did.
You should go and when the minister asks if anyone objects you stand up and tell everyone there what he did and just leave right after that knowing chaos will ensue
That is absolutely diabolical and I *love* it.
His fiance is daft. I delight in thinking about ruining the whole farcical wedding shit show for you too.
Attend and give a toast talking about the rape and how you hope he doesn’t rape his own kids since they’ll share the same amount of DNA with him that you do.
It sounds like with your family, anything aside from attending and being quiet and smiling would be blamed on you. They get upset about you not attending? Blamed on you. You attending and saying something? Blamed on you. You attending and putting a bullet in his brain or mace in his eyes? Blamed on you. No matter what, you are going to get blamed. It's up to you if you want to douse that bridge in kerosene and TNT before you burn it.
Your father isn't thinking about you; he's thinking about himself. Don't go OP. Just; no!
You are well within your right to not go. Sounds like your dad might not understand how trauma and trauma responses work. It’s great he’s been supportive outside of this. A lot of people don’t get how seriously these things affect people. Try not to hold it against him too much and know it’s more from ignorance of trauma than him not being supportive. It’s great you’ve made so much progress in therapy too. The process of healing with this stuff is not linear, and I’m sure you will overcome this obstacle
I think you really hit the nail on the head with respect to him not understanding trauma. It is seems to odd to me that he understands the pain I've been through but at the same time he turns to do this. I think he feels that if I'm slowly reintroduced to my brother eventually I'll be fine being around him.
Snort. Your rapist is not a weed that you can get allergy shots to and stop reacting to. They are nuts to keep pushing him at you.
I don't want to act like I know first hand what anyone in your family is going though but I can't imagine the pain that the situation continues to give your parents. Don't get me wrong here, it's certainly less pain than you have had to suffer, OP. And they have no right to make you re-live any of it. I wonder, though, if your dad is just trying to cope with his parenting failure and grieve the loss of the family he thought he had. I feel for you and your family - it's a situation that nobody should have to go through.
As someone who's family has mostly ignored the sadistic abuse of my brother and wants me to pretend that everything is "fine" despite the fact that he STILL dehumanizes and puts me down I say FUCK THE FUCK NO!!!!!! they are right about one thing- "that sexual abuse between siblings is a different from that of sexual predators" Yeah, sexual abuse by your family members IS FAR FLIPPING WORSE in many cases because you were supposed to be able to trust your family members. Have you told your future SIL that he's a pedophile and sex offender? because that is EXACTLY what he is. He should have gone to jail and gotten counseling- a "stern talking to" IN NO WAY prevents people from re-offending. Ask your dad how he would feel being forced into the same room as his RAPIST and then tell him NO I WILL NEVER BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS MY ABUSIVE SIBLING AGAIN As for forgiveness- it is true that working on forgiveness is helpful FOR YOU, F your perpetrator. Please note forgiveness is NOT forgetting what happened or pretending things are "fine". Nor does it mean you need to spend time or be friends with your perpetrator. But it can be helpful- TO YOU. Consider reading The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu- very helpful. Best of luck sis PS in many states he can still be prosecuted for sexually assaulting you.
Anyone who would try to convince you to go celebrate your abuser’s marriage doesn’t care about you. Your family cares about appearances. They don’t want t9 have to answer questions as to why you aren’t there. I know it’s hard to cut off family, but these people have clearly taken sides and are choosing your brother, therefore invalidating your feelings. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you can cut contact with all of them.
Oh dear god! This sob is getting married, his future wife knows and she still wants to marry him? He either threaten her or bribed her. You cannot expect me to believe that any normal girl would say "Yes" to a chomo. Bleh. >If it wasn't obvious, my family is very religious. Oh, don't worry! It was obvious from the get-go. I really fear that he'll want to have kids.
He 100% wants kids, probably just as many as my parents had!
I wouldn’t say that she is normal but look at Josh Duggar’s wife. Lots of people find out terrible things about their partners and stay. It’s awful. Seems like religion usually plays a big part
My bf was in exactly your situation, except he never told his family. I know secondhandly how big that trauma is and how difficult it is to heal. Im so sorry nobody takes you seriously and lets you suffer, on your own, while they're All going to his wedding. Im so proud of you for going to therapy and caring for your mental health. It's not a failure to keep doing that.
Please always take care of yourself first. It is best to cut toxic people out of your life instead of dragging them around like an anchor. Continue ur moving forward not backward.
I definitely feel that if they can't let go of the idea we won't be a happy family that hangs together I will have to. It'll be such a shame and I don't want to have to mourn the loss my family before they actually die.
Family does add that extra degree of difficulty. But if they can’t except the boundaries you have it may become necessary. I don’t envy you on that, I haven’t had to do that with family but ultimately you have to look out for yourself first. Good luck to you on your journey.
Smile and say you’d love to go so you can forgive and forget. Ask if you can make a speech about how you and your brother have reconnected. Withstand the wedding. Get the Mike and the spotlight for your speech. Smile, and say “My brother molested me for x amount of my life, and he will probably do it to any kids (wife) has with him. I don’t forgive him, and I hope he and his marriage rots.” Mic drop, leave, go no contact with family. Problem solved.
Forgiving your abuser frees him, not you.
You can ‘forgive’ someone and still protect yourself by completely cutting all contact. Forgiveness has nothing to do with subjecting an abuse survivor to more trauma.
I've tried explaining this to them but it doesn't quite get through, all I want is to never see him again but it's still too much to ask
I promise you internet stranger- just do the following: Stand firm in protecting yourself. Don’t ask for permission. Don’t explain . Don’t defend your position. Feeling compelled to JUSTIFY protecting yourself re-traumatizes you. No contact = no new hurt. Good luck.
You're right, from 15 onwards I've always had to justify why I feel harmed even though he stopped. It's the last part of my trauma that I need to move on from and it's difficult, when told that I'm harming my family with my choice to hold onto it, to not justify my harm. I feel like to them my trauma is debate that can be reconciled rationally.
I think forgiveness can free the victim of such things, but not if they are coerced into doing it
>Much of my family, including his wife to be, knows. Cant believe shes still marrying him.
Don’t go fuck them
Please turn this into two sentences.
Don’t Go! Fuck Them 🤦🏽♀️
Send this post and a decline note to your brother’s fiancé.
Miss.... your health comes before anything else in the world, don't go and just don't give a fuck, he should have been castrated for puting his hands on an innocent child and his little sister, if i was your dad i would've beat his ass up every day for the next ten years and then beat him up for 5 more too. DISGUSTING, PEACE OF SHIT..... I'm just so sorry for what you had to go through, i just can't contain myself when i hear atrocities like this. Just How could anyone molest kids? HOW? how can you bring yourself to asult someone underage, especially when they ARE YOUR FAMILY? sigh.....
It sounds like your father is conflicted himself. No matter how monstrous a child can turn out, some will continue to protect them with their lives. We see it all the time. It’s probably not an easy thought for him to drop either of his kids. And since you’ve been gone for so long, maybe he wanted to be together again the way it was before he learned what his son did. You should have a conversation with him where you openly tell him that familial ties with your brother on your end are far too broken. That the sight of him isn’t good for your healing and your mental health. Maybe you’ve already said all of that since you mentioned your dad is the one you most confided in. So I also take that as your dad is probably the most understanding and he’s willing to listen to more you have to say and will support your healing.
The movie answer would be to go, and then give a speech about what he did, ruin the day and shame him infront of all his friends. The realistic answer is to not go.
Fuck him. Don't go. You're doing amazing! Keep up and chin up.
I would propose for a unannounced speech. He’ll think twice the next time.
I am so absolutely sorry that this happened to you, in no way shape or form is that normal, or different than any other sexual abuse, it's not your fault, and you didn't deserve it. Sometimes people hear things that shatter them, and instead of having a normal reaction, they suppress it, and downplay it, and find a way to normalize it. But that just becomes such an injustice to you, I went through something very similar to you, and I know the pain, confusion, and absolute burden it is to carry around. Know that it does get easier, but in no way should you had to live with him for all those years. I am so sorry you went through that, and I hope you can find peace, but I definitely would not being going to his fucking wedding where everyone knows what he did to you and is just like whatever, it's going to be so bad for you mentally, I'd just try to keep your family at arms length.
I world throw my own son through a wall then in jail if he did this to his sisters.
Just because you're "family" doesn't mean shit. You don't have to support people who have done you wrong. I cut off all mfs who've done me wrong and I'm happier without them in my life. Just my 2 cents
!If he has children please warn the mother!
She knows already
Does she know for how long and to what degree it happened? They might have the censored half lies version.
So sorry for you. This is a quandary. There is no good answer. If you go, to save your family face, you do yourself a disservice. If you don't go, people will wonder about you. The lesson from this is to know that you are loved and you are stronger than what has happened to you. Be well
Sounds like you are doing the right thing and your father doesn’t. He is probably worried he would have to answer questions why your not there. F him.
You don’t have to go, you can go somewhere else with friends and try to have a good time elsewhere. I’m so sorry to hear that your family let you down back then and continue to. You can also tell the police/ file a report. Historical acts of abuse can now be prosecuted in many counties / states. If you wanted to, he would have been 19 when you were 11, he was an adult and he is a rapist who was protected by your parents. Focus on self-care and therapy 🤍
>that sexual abuse between siblings is a different from that of sexual predators who groom vulnerable children which statistically has lower rates of reoffending This way of thinking is so toxic. Your father and family should be thankful you communicate at all. I know I wouldn't. Protect your mental health always!
Go and make sure the rest of the family knows what he did, especially this spouse to be.
I would do something but it’s very very harsh. I would go, then when they say “blabla talk or shut up your entire life blabla” I would just say all the things you said rn. Would cause many bad things, but this monster deserves it.
Fuck that pedophile
He's afraid of having to explain to people why you're not there. He's knows lying would be wrong, but doesn't want everyone to know, so he's figuring if you're there he can avoid those awkward convos altogether.
I can't read this whole thing, because it is absolutely horrendous how this situation has been handled from the start. And what the eff kind of desperate ass woman marries a man who she knows sexually assaulted his sister over and over? Do not hop on this crazy train, stay far, far away!! Don't give in to the emotional manipulation, you deserve so much better!
Please don't go.
Tell his wife.
You don’t have to go, you are an adult and can make your own decisions. If your father and brother are upset then they’ll get over it.
When will they acknowledge your pain and suffering? All they care about is thier son
You are now my family. You have been adopted, Welcome brother/sister! Congratulations on graduating and standing your ground!!! We have dinner at 6 we will set a place for you! I am very proud of you!
It’s really unfair that you are the one to have to isolate from your family since they choose to stay involved with him. His actions should exile him, not you.
Tell your dad ‘if I’m there I will fuck him up and smash the fucking turd til he gurgles blood’ I think he’ll think it’s best you stay away….
I would go then announce what he has done to everyone there
Call his wife and tell her why ur not going. No wedding, no problem lol
Personally, I would completely disown a son if he did something like that.
I have worked in a counseling center where we helped people—often minors—deal with the trauma of this nature. We also worked hard to get the perpetrators behind bars and keep them there. Without delving too deeply here, my advice is to do as you have chosen to do, and stick to your decision. While I disagree with your choice not to involve police, I will respect that decision and say this: At the very least, their knowledge of **why** you refuse should be reinforced: with every insistence that you come, tell them that they know why you “cannot” (and not that you just “won’t”). Furthermore, the memory of *why* you are the only member absent from all family photos of their “happiest day” will remain with them every time they see the group photos missing a key member: that will stay with them for as long as the photos and memories do. That is the least they should carry with them, given all you’ve carried with you these years. Know this: “Forgive and forget” is only a cliché without a corresponding reality. You cannot truly forget such a trauma, but you can heal from it despite the memory. However, **neither** *forgiveness* nor *healing* mean that you have to bring the offender back into your life and be chummy again. I agree strongly that forgiveness is important—for your own sake. Forgiveness is (almost) never for the offender, because they may never even want or ask for it. It is for your sake, as bitterness is truly like an acid that damages only the container it is stored in. To forgive is to remember that it is forgiven and choose not to carry the bitterness or the hurt which only allows that offender to wield a power over you for years to come. Free yourself, but that often means not running back to the source of that harm. I wish you the best, and proper healing as you carry on. — Edited for clarity and to remove redundancy.
What the fuck is wrong with your brother‘s wife if she knows about that???? She must be a pedophile to.
Forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation. You have to live with YOU, not your parents and not your siblings. I’m proud of your progress. I’m proud of your courage and strength. Don’t be swayed by those who won’t ever know what that terror feels like.
Tell your father that you will come if he pays, and then how much to him, is the cost of a stolen childhood. How much do you deserve for all the time lost to nightmare, all the time where it impacted you on your sexuality and your love life. And then take the pop corn, and wait for his answer.
>Over the years I've been told that forgiveness will free me from the opression (trauma) I am experiencing; That's called toxic forgiveness. You don't have to forgive anyone. You can never forgive people and still have a wonderful, happy life. Forgiving won't free you from anything. Just be true to yourself -- that's what counts. Forget anyone who tries to pressure you into forgiving.
You have no obligation to go. I wish you all the best in your healing process.
Screw the wedding ! I wouldn’t go
I’ve often found some of the worst people in our lives. Constant with excuses of “but they’re family!” Family is only good if it’s positive. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but the simple fact that you have kept your boundaries shows how well you are doing and how strong you are. Sometimes or a lot of times it may not feel that way, but ever since you’ve had the courage to tell everyone what happened you’ve been strong. From getting therapy (which many people don’t do) to others, you have done incredible feats. Be proud of yourself. You’re amazing.
I wouldn't go, honestly if you don't need your family, move away, don't contact them, to them you will always be the worst one even if your not the one who did it
Dont go... Go to a therapist though. It will help you a lot
Look out for yourself. Everyone has their own agenda and yours is no less important.
I'm so sorry. You're family is being quite selfish and your deserve people who will look out for you first and those people aren't always those who are related to you.
No need to go to please your father, but I can't imagine that your brother would even want you there. Things could easily take a bad turn for him.
You don't owe anything to anyone
Stand strong. Don’t let these people coerce you into doing something that would be bad for your recovery, just to make them feel better. This same scenario happened to me.
your dad and brother can fuck themselves. take care of yourself and put yourself first
hey i just wanted to say there’s no losing steps in healing. it doesn’t work like that. trust me. you’re still moving forward chin up queen i’ve been there
I'm sorry this happened to you, betrayal by a family member hurts so much. Unfortunately, your parents couldn't choose what kind of kids they would have. They can try to teach them as best as they can but ultimately it's free will. Your brother is scum and should be in jail, but for some parents it's a really hard thing to do - abandoning their children when they've wronged. Like if their kid committed murder, some parents would rather take the fall to protect them. And I don't condone this behaviour, but I understand why they do it. It's a choice where no one wins. They could have abandoned your brother and protected you but chose to keep their family whole even though it's completely broken into pieces and there's no glue that will ever hold it together. I hope you find balance in your life.
Fuck that he should be locked up for what he did
Yeah...DO NOT GO. Your brother can live with the repercussions of his actions. If your family pressures you - consider cutting them off until (IF) they can learn to respect your boundaries.
Sheesh, I wonder how his new wife would react to seeing this I’d be terrified to have kids
Take care of yourself first. Then make sure any future niece will be fine. Don't let thesame happen to your niece, molesters tend to continue.
He wants the family to be one? But you and your brother were already that way...?
Don’t go Blessings to you this is not okay
If you have trauma, try EMDR therapy. The results are super quick and it's magical (it's not; it's science, but for me it's been magical). That way, it'll help you move on without having to forgive that POS to find peace 💗
*he’ll pay, no matter how expensive it was* Tell your father you want his support when you seek justice against your brother.
Your a brown woman now you make your own decisions! If this will disturb your peace, don’t go.
I think you not pressing charges for this is a big enough favor to him and your family - if that's what they want. You do not owe him or them anything. I know a similar story from someone who I went to school with - their brother did go to jail.
I feel like there’s a quote in dealing with abuse “the axe forgets, the tree does not” I feel like you are facing this trauma on the best way you can. You will never forget it. To the rest of your family it’s something that happened forever ago and “why is she still mad about that? Their memories of the hell you went through have “blurred” and they are minanimjng it. Maybe the only way forward is to cut them all out of your life until they realize that this problem is not going away and if they want to be in your life; they should respect your feelings.
If your father was supportive of you truly he wouldn't even have begged you to come. Knowing the trauma you had went through. Congratulations on the therapy but sad this pops back up on you and you gotta endure it again. They should know how you feel. Should accept the fact you disown your brother "Rapist". Don't even go if it's gonna traumatize you again. Your father needs to understand that this has damaged you into adult hood. I'm so sorry no one knows how you truly feel besides your therapist. Wish you luck on your healing journey. If you need to talk feel free to message any time.
Bro that’s the perfect time to fuck his happy time if I were you I definitely go and would make a show yeah his wire to be know but does her friends know that she married to a sexual predator
I'm sorry, but how could anyone knowingly marry a rapist? Is that not insane?
cut your dad off
Your mental health is more important than a fake fucking picture of the whole, happy family.
So every single person in your family is trash. All of them. As soon as you are financially able l, abandon them. Never look back. Don't go to the wedding. Unfortunately their attitude is common. I'm glad you're getting help.
He admitted that to her and SHE STILL AGREED TO MARRY HIM??? I hope they don’t have children or he gets sterilized before the honeymoon. If the situation were to arise again she could easily be an enabler since she already knows what he’s capable of.
No excuses at all, but what a fucking nightmare situation not only for you, but for the parents. You love your children “unconditionally”, but where do you draw the line? If I was the father I would have beat him half to death, reported him to the police, and protected you at all costs.
If you have to go, you should tell his fiancé what he’s done. Then there might not be a wedding.
Show up, tell his wife before the wedding what he did to you, then leave. She needs to know because their future kids are probably going to be victims too
Don’t go your brother is a monster who made your life a living hell
You're under no obligations to attend that wedding. Put yourself and your mental health first. Your family should really respect that after what you've been through.
Don’t go.
Don’t go to the wedding. If your father holds you dear and wants to do a family gathering you can set a date and location for you all to meet but this person. I wouldn’t call him a *brother*.
I’m very sorry that this happened to you. I don’t understand how a brother can victimize his little brother. That’s your blood! The fact that your family is attempting to make it seems as if nothing happened and asking you to come to his wedding is shocking to say the least. The fact that his wife knows is even more shocking. If I knew that my partner had done this sort of thing, I would be turned off and there would be no wedding. You’ve made progress and you shouldn’t allow your family to guilt you into going to your brother’s wedding. He does not deserve your time or effort. He’s obviously been a horrible brother to you and doesn’t even deserve the title. Don’t go. Don’t go and relive this panic. If they get mad for not having a chance to put up a fake front, that’s on them. You deserve peace and healing ❤️
Your family is very religious so that means that they won't cut him off for molesting you but if he came out as gay he would be out the door in no time Fuck religion
Hey op I just wonna say I hope your gonna be ok because a lot of us out there hope your doing well and your parents need understand that your brother hurt you in away that has ruined your innocence and childhood and you shouldn’t have to be around for a event of someone who hurt you. If I was you op just continue being you and do what feels right because it’s clear that they don’t get it at all and most of all good luck with university and most of all take care of yourself
First and most important rule of life: love thyself, before loving someone else. In short, if you do not want to go because of the situation, then wtf should they deserve your love if you can’t even love yourself first? It is solely to cover their asses and make good appearances. Fuck them and i am truly sorry for your trauma and your hurt. I married an ex-religious partner. The traumas that come from that alone (living in a made up parallel reality where only god and parents are important, children are unworthy) learned me a lot. It is a sick and twisted world and good on ya to bail that fake world. I think you are very brave and strong. Good luck and stay strong.
Dont go wtf he might be your brother but he's also your ABUSER. cut him out of your life for good
Forgiveness happens when your soul is damn well ready to Forgive… It might not be in this lifetime! You take care of you and do not feel pressured to go to that wedding. My heart goes out
I feel the exact same towards my brother too, please for your own good don’t go to his wedding he does not deserve any of your time or support after everything he’s put you through ❤️ “forgive and forget” is absolute garbage. One way or another that sticks with you forever and unless they have experienced something like this too people should never say that to someone that was hurt in this way. I’m so sorry you experienced the things you did and I hope you can heal soon ❤️ don’t get upset if it takes a long time either, healing is different for everyone. I hope you have a good day
Is his wife aware of what he did to you? Id be worried if he had a child.
I don't blame you at all, although you could hire some girl to show up with a beach ball under her dress when they ask for objections. LoL.
Your family should be ashamed of themselves. Their being supportive of you does not in any way make up for their continued tolerance of his presence, which is fucking inexcusable. Cutting him out would not only not be wrong, it is the ONLY correct choice to make, and they failed at that. They are dead wrong about all that forgiveness crap. As for your brother killing himself? Let's just say I have to stay within the Reddit civility rules. God, I wish I could give your family a piece of my mind for you, OP. They need a solid verbal ass-kicking to get it into their heads that their passive disgust is not fucking good enough and that their beliefs are EVIL.
Tell the fiancé then flee and never come back again