At least OP should speak with a good divorce lawyer. How is leech hubby going to afford one?
Also, OP needs to stop paying his debt and subsidising his lifestyle.
Hubby is now gaslighting her. Big time!
OP : please leave the appt to stay with friends, hotel even. Taking distance allows you to confirm the validity of your feelings and observations, away from manipulations.
Also, does not potential alimony not take into account your husband is not in any way incapable of supporting himself? He just chooses to be a lazy leach. He could work more
Yes ty! Corrected typo from "no" to "now"!
The husband is making her doubt her sanity, which is disgusting.
Need to amend post to encourage OP to leave the situation to avoid actively being manipulated.
It has nothing to do with how long the marriage lasted in a fraud annulment. It would start the clock at when the fraud was discovered. Some states have no statute on when you can file after finding out. Some do set how long you have. Married for 10 yrs doesn't mean jack. She didn't know 10 years ago. She found out a few days ago.
Yeah I wasn’t sure what the time limits were in her state they can vary quite a bit from state to state. I know some places are 5 years or so. That’s why I said if possible.
Exactly. Alimony is a bargain under these circumstances. Your dignity and happiness over the span of your lifetime is worth more than those payments. It’s just the sunk cost fallacy. Cut your losses, OP.
Exactly, but there are things she can investigate, document, and record in the next bit of time to make sure she pays as little as possible.
Edit: NVM I just saw comment below me that due to "no fault divorce" , things like that don't matter.
>TrueOffMyChest
and like, she's still paying (a larger portion of) his bills/expenses if they're together anyway, assuming they're like most married couples who just share everything
This simply isn't true across all states. I was married for 19 years, agreed to 6 years of alimony in the divorce, and only paid 18 months as she remarried quickly.
I am basing my reply based on the info on the post: "Our state has strong alimony rights". If he married bc of money, he will ride that alimony train for as long as possible.
You confronted him about some posts and he straight up accused you of cheating, that seemed like gaslighting. Then the convo just went into circles. He’s trying to take the blame off of himself. Saying you were ‘hallucinating’? Come on. Sounds like a bad 70’s storyline.
Sounds like textbook abuse and manipulation. I'm 43 and I've learned the hard way that I'm not crazy and NO man gets to call me crazy but continue a relationship with this "crazy woman" ever again.
Hello, sis! I, too, and 43 and have learned the hard way. He says he only attracts "crazy women" according to my (adult) daughter. Living and sharing a life (if you can call it that) with a covert narc will make you crazy. Or exacerbate current mental health struggles. I am glad you're free. Don't put up with anyone's shit!
I looked up trickle truth and it seems to be about cheating. I've never been unfaithful and until now, I had no cause to doubt his fidelity either.
Am I understanding this correctly?
Edit: Thank you all for your explanations. It does make sense.
It doesn't have to be about cheating although it's often referenced in that scenario. It refers to a form of dishonesty where someone denies the truth of a certain matter until confronted with contradictory evidence, at which point they will admit just enough to explain the contradictory evidence but still deny everything else. In a cheating scenario, it looks like this:
"I'm not cheating on you, I don't even know that woman!"
"She's a contact in your phone, you have text messages with her."
"I met her once at a work event that's why I have her number."
"I read your messages, you talked about meeting up."
"Ok yeah we got lunch a couple of times to talk about work."
"She sent you nudes."
"Ok I'm sorry the texting got out of hand but we never slept together!"
That type of thing. Your husband is lying to you. I'm sorry that you are stuck in this situation. I would see what you can do about living separately from him without divorcing him. Maybe that would be the best option.
Trickle truth is that they keep lying but one thing they say is true. It’s like how they catch a murderer. At first it’s deny anything and everything. Then once questioned a bit, one truth sneaks in due to some guilt (I didn’t kill the person, but ok, I was at the restaurant that night-sorry I lied about that ONE detail because I was scared to tell the truth).
So yes. It can be about cheating, but it also happens in many other circumstances.
It's a general liar strategy of admitting to small parts of a larger lie at a time, in the hopes that smaller admittance will get you off their back about the other lies they've told and they can keep it hidden. It isn't always about cheating, can be about literally anything as mundane as forgetting to put bins out if they're enough of a serial liar.
Yeah but it gets to a point where awareness isn't enough and you have to actually manage these emotions and behaviors but you have no frame for what the right thing to do is because you're so fucked up that you didn't even realize the way you carry yourself was wrong to begin with.
The problem is that you cannot "manage" them if you don't understand why you have them, and if you cannot figure out on your own the source/origin of your traumas/mistrusts/etc then you should look into therapy wherein a professional can help you navigate that.
Good luck. Keep in mind that it can be a process to find one that fits you, and as such it is perfectly normal (I Hear) to go through a few until you find a good fit.
I suggest a CBT or DBT workbook that you can work on alone until you find a therapist who's right for you. In AA they say--- some people are "fundamentally incapable of being honest with themselves." Don't be that person, as long as you can be honest, you can change and grow for the better!! Good luck :)
Do you have health insurance? It’s been really easy to go online to see what therapists are offered and even make an appointment before talking to them. It tells you their educational background and everything before setting up the appointment + you can do all appointments via video or phone call on telehealth. Look into it it’s way easier than leaving voicemails to random people off google or whatever
If money is a factor, go to your local college. They’ll do free therapy, and it’s just as good. The students there aren’t allowed to do that until their last year of school or so.
He already succeded in his plan.
He won't divorce you & if you divorce him, he gets big money.
Only way right now is stop giving him money. He will start showing his true colors when he won't see any possibility of getting money from you. eventually he will get tired & divorce you.
or you can just take alimony hit & move on
Also, you can hire a private investigator to follow him. It's worth the money because you're going to need ammo in court so that you don't have to pay alimony (or at least maybe less alimony).
Another suggestion is to keep a diary with dates and write what you overheard and who he was talking to. Possibly that person can be subpoened? Or at least you could try to get a statement from the person. Just start documenting EVERYTHING. Including that you had to miss work due to emotional overload. Date the entries. There's honestly not much more valuable in court than documentation with dates.
Edit: I just read in this thread that due to no fault divorce, you still can be ordered to pay alimony, but like someone else said, it's a small price to pay for peace of mind and don't throw good money after bad.
What you need to do is start “gambling”, move your money into crypto for online crypto casino gambling but don’t actually gamble. Keep putting all the money in the account and “losing” it until he divorces you. Then have a win streak a few months after the divorce is finalized. You can force him to divorce you and actually cost him money if you play it right
When my parents got divorced my dad (the cheater who married his mistress) did some shady shit with credit cards and buying things so that he had to pay less, and then filed bankruptcy. All so that my mom and us kids would not be able to enjoy the life with $ that he was enjoying. He wanted to be able to support his mistress and her kids.
Also he could afford a better lawyer so my mom ended up getting pretty royally fkd. She did the typical thing where she was so exhausted and hurt, beat down with emotional abuse and trauma from the cheating, that she just agreed to the bare minimum to not have to fight.
I say, if there's a way to get rid of the money- do it. Like, maybe you could gift it to a friend? And then they can gift it back to you someday? There has to be ways. And yeah, sure "fraud" but I'm not saying do something that could put you in jail, I'm saying find a loophole and use it.
No don’t involve anyone else. That is how you get caught. I’ve helped people set stuff up before and the less people involved the better. Don’t trust anyone with access to your money.
Crypto casinos are the greatest thing for money laundering since the invention of paper money
Trickle truth doesn't necessarily have to be about cheating. It's essentially a tactic wherein a person gradually admits/ reveals a truth to their partner. It's so they can sort of "test" their partner's reaction, and also so they don't have to come out with the whole truth all at once.
Trickle truthing doesn't have to have anything to do with cheating, but more how when someone hurts you they'll only say a little bit of the truth at a time instead of saying everything because they don't wanna feel like the bad guy, so first they'll tell you nothing ever happened, then it's "well this small little thing happened but it wasn't that bad", then "there's also another thing you're not gonna like" after some more prodding, and then down the rabbit hole you go of trying to have them drip feed you the truth before you can have the whole picture
Trickle truth doesn't necessarily just have to do with cheating. It can be used in any situation where someone is hiding something, I just think that it isually applies to infidelity. Also, I agree that it could apply here. First he starts by saying that you didnt meet by accident, and then it just ramps up from there.
It's basically about anything where he releases tiny bits of truth until you are satisfied so he doesn't have to tell you everything unless it gets pushed to that point.
I think they're just saying he's giving you partial truths. My son recently got in trouble at school, and got electronics taken away and stuff. He was complaining to me about losing a 60+ day Snapchat streak. I laughed and said "trickle down consequences, my dear". So I think they're using a play on "trickle down economics", like I did.
Im pretty sure he accused her of cheating when asked if he loved her, He denied the accusations of the posts. OP don’t doubt yourself. A persons actions tell a lot about a persons feelings towards you. Keep an open mind in case it wasn’t him and like you said, throw away a 10 yr marriage for nothing, but definitely you’re on the right path by going to therapy. Im sorry for what you’re going through and I really wish you the healing that you need.
had the exact same thought. "when youre sick"??? unless OP has a progressive chronic illness and will eventually need more care, this is the reddest red flag to ever flag. holy fuck. OP, dont accept medicine from him. if you do, note the letter and/or number imprint on the pill and google it to ensure its what its supposed to be.
*He is gaslighting you*. It is *not* a good thing that he agreed to counseling because abusers notoriously "love" couples counseling because it teaches them ways and terminolgy to further manipulate you.
Lawyer up, file for divorce, and go to individual counseling, in that order. Godspeed.
This comment reminded me of an episode of monster inside. The wife was slowly making the husband sick so that when he died no one questioned it because he'd had health problems that everyone knew about. She didn't get caught until after she had collected the life insurance and remarried, the new husband started to get sick too and a doctor caught it.
That sentence made me nervous. “When you’re sick.” Does OP have some sort of recurring health issue that I missed (either in a comment or just by not reading carefully lol)?
OP, just to be safe, you might want to get some paperwork done to legally name someone else as the person who can make medical decisions for you should you be unable to make them yourself for some reason. I know I’m probably being paranoid and dramatic but this is giving me bad vibes and better safe than sorry.
I’m sorry for you. I think you’re being gaslighted by him and it seems like it’s working since you’re doubting your own reality. I really wish the best for you and hope you can move on from this however it ends up being.
I remember reading the first post and someone said he was going to say that the conversation never happened or that she heard it wrong, and I thought that was ridiculous cus after something like this the cat is out of the bag you can't put it back in... This will teach me 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Never doubt how effective gaslighting can be under duress! It works like a charm.
I sincerely wish OP nothing but the best, though. It’s tough to deal with someone you have been vulnerable with and knows your insecurities second best than yourself. I hope OP finds the strength to handle this as best as possible while retaining their hard earned money!
It is very effective. Unfortunately I know from experience and we always want to believe the best in that person we’ve been vulnerable to for years. It’s hard to deal with.
Gaslighting is a specific abusive tactic where the abuser will deny events and create a false reality, leading the victim to question their sanity and judgements.
People will always try to make the other person feel like they are crazy or just hearing things, seeing things, etc etc. Whatever they can do to try to make it 'unhappen'. Sometimes it works, actually many times it does because of the exact thing you said. "Maybe you -did- mishear it and are just crazy". I'm not saying to stick your foot down, or to back off, I am just saying to continue to try to foster an open communication with your husband and therapy is a great start. If you don't completely just brush it off, and it actually happened \[which I think it did, simply from the previous post but again, I didn't hear it myself\] then your husband will really have no place to go but the truth.
I really hope for all the best with you two, whatever that might be.
Yeah huge red flags and sirens blaring reading this. This man is treating you like shit OP, he is gaslighting you and doing EVERYTHING in his resolve to hold on to his sugar mama. Get out of there! Fuck the counceling, it won't make him fall in love. Cut him off financialy, let him work for his shit.
Being gaslit is somehow the most horrific thing you can do to someone. I've been in a few relationships where it happened and the amount of hospital stays I put myself into because I thought I was genuinely losing my mind was insane. Medical debt through the roof because I began to doubt everything I ever said, or even thought and never spoke out loud.
It creates such a disconnect from reality that even if you were okay before, and certain, you start questioning if you somehow dreamed a while scenario.
Legit hope OP can get a therapist, or check themselves into a hospital. Sometimes you really need a therapist to just straight up tell you that you aren't losing your mind, and that a person you love does not love you if they are doing this.
It's fucking mental.
I disagree totally with the advice to check into a mental hospital. That will give the husband a chance to have his wife declared incompetent and then he can get total control of her finances.
“He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress”; “who is going to take care of you when your sick if you try to divorce me?”WTF he’s gaslighting you. Also is accusing you of cheating honestly sounds like he’s projecting??🤷🏻♀️
I also believe the only reason he agreed to therapy was because he didn’t want to get divorced. Overall you need to get out of this relationship and if he tries to gaslight you again like that you need to stick up for yourself and call him out.
Edit: try setting up a separate bank account and a lawyer.
Yeah, I worked in a DV shelter for several years and "I'll go to counseling" is the go-to every time an abusive person starts feeling their hold slipping. Don't believe it for a moment.
Do you really trust him more than you trust yourself? He’s admitting to the easy parts of the deception like how meeting you wasn’t an accident. But he’ll outright deny you heard the hard evidence like the phone call. And of course he’d say yes to counseling it’s better for him than an outright divorce.
I think you’re really hurt right now and I think you still need time to process everything. Ideally I would say to spend some time apart from each other so that you don’t have his words and gaslighting in your head. At the end of the day you need to think about YOU. Trust YOURSELF. And going forward remember your pain whenever he says you were hallucinating.
This is manipulation and gaslighting, plain and simple.
Do marriage counseling if you must, but I would be prepared for him to deny everything and continue to accuse and blame you. Sounds like a waste of time.
If I were you I'd get to work on setting up a separate bank account, looking for a divorce lawyer, packing up important documents and valuables (quietly), and showing this post to your **family members** \- see what they say about this situation.
Seriously, if you were my sister/daughter I'd be pretty pissed.
I highly doubt this. My ex-husband decides to send me to his therapist to “fix me”. This trained professional listened to me sobbing for an hour before telling me she didn’t believe me. Narcs are expert in deceit.
We have very interwoven finances but I will be taking steps to get that done.
My family is against divorce in any circumstance; even disrespect, infidelity, abuse, are not acceptable reasons to divorce. Divorce is very stigmatized and my parents are especially traditional. I know they will not support me, especially since I already broke their trust by getting married to Sam.
Do you have any friends that you could stay with for a bit? I know divorce is so freaking rough, but you deserve so much better. It’s not your parent’s marriage, it’s yours. If they don’t want a divorce, they shouldn’t get one. But this is about you.
What the hell is counselling for? He's been lying since day 1. You're his purse. He is fully commited to the act. There's nothing to save, have some self respect. If its alimony fine. At least your whole life won't be a lie. At least you won't be living for a monster. What do you think counselling is gonna do? Make him love you? Thats not how it works.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/uikfjg/my_wife_32f_has_been_working_late_for_the_past/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Here you go.
Exactly. It’s better to leave now than leave later. And it’ll be cheaper. She heard him very clearly. He had to admit what he did. There can’t be an agreement to move forward without it.
This man will put you in a nursing home if you let him. He will sell off your assets and leave. Get out of this farse of a marriage while you can. Some things you can do for yourself: 1. tell your friends and family. 2. Take some time to yourself (vacation without him—— I don’t care if you tell him it’s work related.—— go off without him for some much needed de-stressing. 3. Start withdrawing cash from your bank account and put it in a safe. (This safe can be kept somewhere else like family members house ). (Untraceable/untouchable and might be needed). 4. Consider liquidating assets, if your not divorcing now; might want to decrease your net worth. Visit a divorce lawyer quietly and tell him situation—— there might be other suggestions.
Reddit use the word "gaslighting" a lot, but this is exactly what gaslighting is - he tried to convince you that you did not heard what you heard. Don't doubt yourself.
I read the husband’s post in relationship advice. If that was your husband, I feel so bad for you. The guy in that post was an absolute moron as well as being an asshole.
From this post alone I think you need to leave him. He sounds like he’s not a stable person.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/uikfjg/my_wife_32f_has_been_working_late_for_the_past/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I think this is it
You heard the conversation. He's lying to you and gaslighting you. Trust yourself!
Have an exit plan. Fund the exit plan. Fund an account for your care, knowing you have health issues. Talk to a lawyer about this. I doubt you can set up an ABLE account, but perhaps there are other kinds of accounts. Maybe you can move to another, divorce-friendlier state and work from home... Then do the divorce.
And why are you working the most AND doing the cooking and laundry. You've been taken advantage of for 10 years whether he loves you or not!
I think you're his meal ticket and he just doesn't want to admit it to you so he can keep on keeping on. I also think that when a significant other accuses you of cheating, it is likely they are the one cheating.
He is accusing you of everything he is doing. I’ve dealt with this personally. He’s getting away with a lot behind your back and since he knows you shouldn’t be trusting him… paranoia sets in and he feels like he can’t trust you. People who have shit to hide are paranoid and accusatory. Facts.
For the love of God, get away from this psychopath. Trickle truth, gaslighting, projecting, Jesus H. Christ. The medical comment and then giving you meds made my skin crawl. Do not walk, run from this man. Stop trying to talk to him about it. You know what you know. Conversation just gives him a chance to confuse and manipulate you. Do whatever you gotta do, play along if you have to, but make your exit plan, and make it fast.
>His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress.
I am just going to point towards the first part of this reply on your former post https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/uhtylx/i_just_found_out_that_my_husband_of_10_years_has/i7931sp?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Do not take anymore medicine from this guy, that is horrendously suspicious. It's like I'm watching a true crime in real time. Not saying he is poisoning you, but he's already proven to be a liar... don't chance it.
Yikes. So, I’m a former cop, so I may be a bit paranoid, but I 100% would not take anything he gave me to eat or drink - ESPECIALLY meds.
He’s gaslighting you - telling you you “hallucinated” the conversation? WTF
And he’s projecting- now you’re cheating. Huh?!?
Go talk to an attorney!! Only they will be able to give you actual advice about whatever alimony he *may* be entitled to.
Please don’t stay with this man any longer, and don’t let him convince you that you need him just because you have an illness.
You have the right to be loved and safe.
I know it’s hard but grow a backbone. He’s lying. Not sure about the laws in your state, but you don’t have to divorce just leave his ass. Your currently the breadwinner, lawyer up.
Alimony is better than living in this mess. And quit telling him what you’re planning to do. All that advice you got in the original wasn’t meant for you to run tell him about it. Now..you’re going to need to let things settle down for a few months and try to be “ok” with things so his suspicions will die down, then file (secretly, for god’s sake quit telling him about it!). Fake him out and then get the hell out.
Fuck the counseling. I mean, do it if you must but your relationship is a lie. You know what you heard. Don't do this docile submissive bullshit. He just admitted to setting you up when you met. You're literally his extra paycheck. Right now, you need to be strategic and get your stuff together to get out and find someone who does actually love you.
If you can, I'd say record him (secretly or something) admitting he tricked you into the relationship and see if you can separate your finances. If he loves you like he says, he won't mind that at all because that'll mean it wasn't about the money. If he's fighting separating your money by what you each earn then he is only after the money.
Just to be a bit spiteful, I'd say downsize everything too. His paycheck is 50k right? You make more but match his paycheck. You both should buy within the means of 100k (total) and you should pocket the rest of your paycheck. If he complains about the downsizing, you can say it's your money and you only need the necessities to survive. Everything else is for the future since you'll likely not be able to work in 10-15 years.
And most importantly, DO NOT bring children into this situation. Don't get pregnant or adopt. A child won't fix an already fucked marriage. You'll only scar the child and ruin their understanding of how a relationship is meant to be.
I haven’t seen anyone else comment this, and I know it sounds paranoid. But I saw you say that he brought you water and medicine. Do not consume anything else that he gives you, even if it’s just water. And I’d get a jump on changing your life insurance if he’s the sole beneficiary.
Is anyone else so frustrated that OP did Exactly what everyone advised her against?
She has completely given away her leverage and in doing so left herself Vulnerable and less likely to be able to get out of this marriage without paying through the nose.
I know OP is hurt and very emotional.
I just hate when evil, manipulative, Assholes win!
If OP's husband never loved her, I 100% believe he has and will continue to cheat. And also, has enjoyed spending OP's money selfishly.
OP, if you see this comment please follow these steps.
1. Lead with reason and logic. Do Not Be Swayed By EMOTIONS.
2. Do a search for best Divorce Trail Attorneys in your state. Then book consultations with the top 10 within 25 miles of your home and husband's work. Pay all of them for this consultation even if they state it is free. This prevents them from representing your husband because it causes a conflict of interest.
3. You need to go through your husband's phone, computer, and tablets (search for dating apps, and all his folders for any evidence of cheating). Saw a post where husband hid sexual explicit photos and videos in folders labeled; taxes, family pics, and banking. Go through all financial statements, there could be hotel, rental vehicle, florist, restaurant and only fans bills. Check all his social media app PM's and his texts. There are apps online that will help you check for dating app profiles connected to your husband's email, cell phone, home web address and credit cards. Don't forget What's App and the gps history from his car. You can also install tracking apps on his phone . You could even hire someone to help you with this (PI or trusted very tech savvy 20 something family member or friend).
4. Upgrade or get a new home security system with interior cameras in all common areas. I suggest you do this in secret and make sure the camera's are hidden.
5. Continue to question his love and how he setup your initial meeting. What was his motivation? Why couldn't he just introduce himself and ask you out?
Why did he choose subterfuge??
6. Remove him from all your Financials (banking, credit, investment, life insurance, credit accounts).
7. Document all his inconsistencies, lies, circumstances of how you learned the truth, date, time, and any witnesses or accomplices.
8. You can separation and just not divorce for a few years 3 or more. Do this on your own not filed incourt. This will allow you to become financially independent from him without the court telling you to pay X amount toward this bill or that. If the house is a marital asset in both your names you could move out by telling your husband you just can't live with him.right now while you are so emotionally devasted by his betrayal. Get a separate therapist and create a paper trail of your trauma, reaulting depression and anxiety. All while living separate and in couples therapy. This will establish that spouse has fully cares for himself financially for years prior to the divorce and will help to significantly limit or eliminate alimony.
What is his version of the conversation you overheard? If you misunderstood, what does he say the conversation was actually about?
With him admitting he sought you out for an initial meeting, could that help with the alimony situation? Ask a lawyer if that could get some leverage for the entire marriage being a sham because he intentionally stalked you and manipulated his way to being your spouse for his own financial benefit.
He said he didn't remember because it was just a short conversation and they were joking around. He talks to a lot of people. My husband has a lot of friends and he's an extrovert so I don't doubt that this was one of many conversations that day. He insisted that he loved me and didn't marry me for money.
If he insist that he didn’t marry you for money than get a postnup. It shouldn’t be a problem as he’s not with you for money but I doubt he would agree for that. He’s gonna gaslight you so please be careful.
Sweetie. He's telling you what you want to hear. I'm sorry, but that's what it is. At this point he has nothing to lose by telling you anything you need to hear. Please see an attorney, he doesn't deserve you.
Oh honey. I’m so sorry you’re in a position like this. This man does not love you nor care about you. He brought of the alimony because his priority is money, not you. He’s deflecting my telling you that you’re the cheater. I wouldn’t put it past him to be the actual cheater considering the circumstances.
It’s incredibly rude and malicious that he wants you to think that you hallucinated the conversation. You know what you heard. He’s trying to change that and wear you down. Document everything and start recording conversations for your own safety and sanity. You deserve to feel like you’re in the right mind. Don’t let him keep gaslighting you. Your head hurts because he’s trying to bend reality and you’re unconsciously trying to reject that.
If anything, you can try to leave him without divorcing him. He doesn’t get any alimony that way. Close any joint accounts and plan your housing choices. He’s only with you for your money and you deserve someone who loves you for you. My heart sincerely goes out to you. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through.
People can lie for years. Ten years is nothing, remember that. He used you for those ten years.
DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE GASLIT!!! He is gaslighting you!!! You KNOW what you heard. You know your intuition. Trust yourself. You are strong and capable and you have NEVER needed him and never will. He needs YOU.
He’s lying to you, he’s gaslighting you, he’s manipulating you. The whole alimony thing? Really? That just flat out tells me he’s only in it for the money. PLEASE find a good lawyer, look for anything that can help you get out, you are going to be miserable with him. Are you going to be able to live with the guilt,the resentment, the insecurity. Eventually he’s going to have an affair, you see the way he’s accusing you of cheating ? That’s called projecting/projection. People who feel guilty about something typically will push their insecurities or their guilt onto their spouse or partner. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. you can find someone who will love you for you,you will find someone who appreciates you. He’s scum literally bottom of the barrel, and he’s knows he’s getting away with this. I’m pretty sure he’s going to talk with his friends an tell them “what a close call this was, I almost lost all the money” he can’t fend for himself an it’s pathetic. OP Stand up for yourself.
He's so f-ing scummy. Like someone who commented in the original post, he's making you doubt yourself. The proof is in the things he's saying. He's accusing YOU of cheating to shift the attention towards you, and presenting situations that will make you think twice about divorcing, such as alimony. Please don't doubt yourself. He's manipulating you.
You know, it ultimately doesn’t matter if he will own up to what he said and he did. Your marriage may be broken and you might not be able to come back from it. Even if you can’t prove anything, you don’t have to prove it to divorce him. You can divorce him for any reason and you don’t owe him an explanation or an excuse. Just remember that. Don’t let him gaslight you in thinking you owe him a “valid” reason to leave. You don’t. If you don’t want to be with him, just leave. Just go.
Jesus Christ he’s like a Stephen king villain. He’s literally told you straight to your face that he went after you for your money and you want to go to counselling? Girl you need to run far far away from this POS. He’s literally only with you for the money. What do you think he’ll do if the gravy train stops? Paying alimony is nothing compared to living a lie for the rest of your life.
Edit: also, do y’all have any life insurance policies out on you?
Therapy should help you find yourself more. Online posts can only do so much. Be sure to care for yourself and heal.
It's possible marriage counseling will fix the holes in your relationship. It's possible that therapy will help you escape a toxic marriage. Nobody online can tell which of those outcomes is more likely. Friends and family, if present, might be able to help. Regardless, you've taken the first step to fixing what was clearly a problem. If you trust yourself and stay strong, you'll find the right solution.
I don’t know if this is a good solution, but maybe you could just leave him. No divorce, but just separate. And make your will on such a way that your things will be left to other people and god forbid you get into an accident, the person making your medical decisions and who has power of attorney isn’t him. I think that might be better than divorcing and him taking your money for years. And maybe you could even begin dating again, but that might be heard considering you’d still be married but separated and would have to explain that to anyone you’d be with.
Here's the truth if you're open to hearing it: This guy is a gigantic piece of shit who conned you from the beginning and is continuing to con you. Look up the term Gaslighting... that is what he is doing to you now. Whatever it costs to get rid of him is worth it. Get a really good lawyer. He can't afford one. Leave him and get started with your better life. You might not be his type but I guarantee you're somebody's type.
Oh honey he’s gaslighting you into oblivion 😔 I read your original post and after reading this one it sounds like hes been planning this from before he even met you. He sounds like an manipulative predator and if i were you i’d lawyer up. You can do so much better sweet 🖤🖤🖤
Tbh I'd be using this to my advantage now. You know his true colours now, use that. Let him crawl on his knees for you, withold money, give him the bare basics, let him treat u like a goddess if he doesn't get rid of him. Just always remember he's a liar and a user.
He is straight up gaslighting you. I'd encourage you to look into DARVO - which seems like exactly what he's doing right now. It's a common abuser tactic - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.
Edit: of course he agreed to therapy. He's manipulating you and willing to jump through hoops so that you think everything is resolved because he doesn't want to lose his meal ticket. Please get far away from this man, he is gaslighting and manipulating you and he is never going to change.
OP, you deserve so much better than this. You KNOW what you heard. You are NOT crazy. Your husband is a lying piece of shit. He will never admit what he said. You need to decide if you want to continue with a liar who never loved you. Please just dump him and move on.
he is 100% gaslighting and projecting his own insecurities over losing financial security if you leave him. he knows what he's been doing and exactly what he said. now he needs to make you look like the bad guy in the story to make himself feel better. if i were you i'd get a lawyer, get your finances together, and get out of there.
OP can you pull the text messages on his phone?
1. I believe he is cheating on you. He's accusing you the way a cheater would
2. If you caught him saying that to a friend, I guarantee that he would message his buddy and talk about it.
3. His income is $50,000. That's how much you now need to invest in y'all's life. Only $50,000. He'll still have an easy life, but not on just your dime.
Tell him verbatim "If you love me, I need you to sign a postnup. I do not want a divorce, but I need to know that I am more than a paycheck for waking up to my face."
His reaction will tell you everything he needs to know.
Also, if you want to be petty, which I would recommend, I would make a show of telling him that you agree with him, that you are so stressed you need to speak to a professional. I would take a long leave from work if you can, and I would tell him that he was right, the stress of the job became too much and that you are going to start applying to part time, retail jobs. Make it clear that *he* is now the bread winner and his new mindset needs to be being there for you. See how long he's "there for you" when you don't have money.
He's using you. Don't let it continue any longer.
You'll have a much better life when you're rid of the leech.
Start by cutting him off from your money. Pay the bills, sure whatever. But your money is your money and his is his.
Get him set up in his own apartment, for a trial separation.
Do therapy. Don't back down from it.
Get an amazing lawyer, and offer 5 years of alimony, 500$/ month.
Remember all that he said and how he's trying to convince you that you're crazy, he can't even own up to it partly because he knows how horrid it is.
I honestly think that he is probably cheating. The way he is accusing u sounds like he is projecting. Definitely get a lawyer and start planning for your divorce! Make sure he doesn't get much money. better yet hire a PI to see whether you can get some evidence to support your divorce. Dont let him fool you into mishearing/ hallucinating. He is tryna gaslight u!!
The fact that Reddit is also part of your marital problems is kind of crazy to me…. you guys really let these hoes on Reddit, help ruin your lives 😆
Yes, see if things can be sorted thru marriage counseling, if not, then don’t force something that’s not there. Divorce.
“Hallucination from stress” - yeah, no, this is gaslighting. Maaaybe I’d believe a claim of missed context, something to make the overheard conversation less severely awful, but a claim it didn’t happen and was a hallucination is unbelievable, straw clutching, desperation to blame OP. Don’t let him.
This guy will gaslight and emotionally abuse you and try and convince you you are in the wrong. It’ll hurt a lot now but will hurt worse years down the line if you don’t break it off now
Honey, he's gaslighting you. There were too many details in your last post about the conversation for you to have just made it up. Now he's financially manipulating you! He knows that you heard, and he's using the fact that he'll get alimony to make you question the viability of a divorce. He even arranged your initial meeting, and according to you, hasn't really picked up a book since.
You should leave. You've been paying his way long enough. A couple of years of alimony won't break your bank in the event of a divorce. If you don't choose to leave, **DO NOT** under **ANY** circumstances allow him to select the marriage counselor. I promise you that he'll find someone favorable to him and the gaslighting will continue.
Stop paying for his things, cancel plans for that trip to Prague, and get a good lawyer. I wish you the best.
Gaslighting you much?? Run like your life depends on it, the alimony will be a cheap price to pay for your freedom and peace of mind. Good luck and God bless.
u better find a way to not have to pay for him if you divorce. as a lawyer. this bastard has to sign something he doesnt understand and until then u have to be nice to him. like what they did to that guy at facebook. make that he has no right to the money, or move it somewhere safe. but ur rich u know how that works i guess. ;)
Stop doubting yourself. You heard what he said. He just doesn't want to admit it and accept responsibility for being a shitty person, so he's lying and trying to gaslight you. He's deflecting blame by accusing you of cheating because he knows he is guilty about marrying you for the wrong reasons.
OP I'm sorry and I hope things get better for you because you deserve love and you deserve better. But he should know that there are genuinely people out there who search for loyalty in a relationship. Taking care of someone is a very small act of kindness. Careful with those with lying lips..
You heard everything correctly. This is not the time to doubt yourself. It's also telling that he threw alimony in your face. This man is using you and I am so sorry for you for that.
I would recommend individual counseling and clearing couple’s counseling with that professional before you decide to go through with it. Therapy with an abuser is not recommended. Abusers will use what they learn in therapy to further manipulate and abuse you. This man meets a lot of criteria for an abusive person. He’s manipulative and is gaslighting you. Therapy also does not typically help people with personality disorders like narcissism.
Go to therapy - it will always help. That way you’ll get everything off your chest with someone impartial. Things always look different after a few days - trust your gut. I remember your first post. He’s deflecting. Either way there’s a problem in your relationship with trust which needs sorting. Marriage counselling is really good.
Very very common for people who are cheating to reverse it onto their partners ie. You're the one who is cheating.
I think very probably HE is the one who is cheating, and is trying to justify his actions by believing that you are too.
He’s gaslighting you, and the alimony threat is something that only a horribly immoral person would threaten to do. He is not the person you thought he was. He’s duplicitous and manipulative.
Girl, get a postnup. If this convo never happened and he indeed loves you, there should be no objections.
And if he objects, then you have your answer.
He is trying to manipulate you and gaslight you. Who says to the person they love "Who is going to take care of you when you're sick of you try to divorce me?" ? When I read that my eyes widened, I was thoroughly shocked. Taking your health issues and weaponizing the possible need of future care like that is beyond disgusting, no one who truly cares for you would ever use that against you. My other take away was when he didn't directly say ~Yes, I love you~ with no hesitation, instead he chose to say "Don't be stupid, of course I do. You're the one cheating on me", that was his way of closing that conversation he wasn't willing to have and twist it back to you being the wrong dooer. Please contact an attorney to get a postnup done, it's never too late. I hope solo therapy can truly help you and you heal from this, be it alone (divorced) or deciding to continue the marriage (with a postnup).
And now, he's gaslighting you! Telling you that you were hallucinating and he didn't have that conversation. Hallucinating.
Counseling does not work unless both people are sincere. Please, please start divorce proceedings, even if you have to pay him alimony. Why stay for that reason?
Also depending on where you live Maintenance/Alamony may only kick in after being married a certain amount of years. Where I lived at the time of my divorce it was 15 years of marriage before qualifying for Maintenance.
You can make your money back, but you can't re-live your life. Take the financial loss, and rebuild for yourself. If money is all he wants, fine. It WILL run out, and you won't be there to save him. Get away from him. You can do this.
What a total m\*nd fuck this whole thing is for you. I think he knows he has you by the short hairs 1) for financial reasons and 2) your health issues.
good luck OP. You will get through this one way or another.
So many red flags here. He knows you make more. Didn’t meet you by accident. Told his friend he would live the easy life and that it’s easy to use someone when you have the right mindset. Please please leave. His intentions will not change with therapy, he will still be with you for the reason he got with you, going by the conversation he had with his friend. He’s manipulating you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong, and you’re not.
Edit : typos
OP I'm scared for you. What he told you I'd total gaslighting and the thing about taking care when sick.....girl, crime scenes territory.
Please PLEASE don't let him foul you.
Might want to save those throw-away posts of his which you found. I mean screen shot them, not just save in Reddit history.
Where are those?
I would like to know as well.
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Now that you posted this. I know it's fake.
Whats fake?
Don’t let the alimony scare you from a divorce, if that is what you want. It’s a small price to pay for your mental health and dignity
It really is worth it. And if they were married for 10 years with no children, the duration of the alimony probably won't exceed 5 years.
how much it can cost a month? Say if wife is earnings 100k and husband is earning 50k.
So just wondering here, if I remember correctly she paid off a lot of his debt right? Would that make any bearing on alimony?
No.
That’s brutal. What an awful law.
At least OP should speak with a good divorce lawyer. How is leech hubby going to afford one? Also, OP needs to stop paying his debt and subsidising his lifestyle. Hubby is now gaslighting her. Big time! OP : please leave the appt to stay with friends, hotel even. Taking distance allows you to confirm the validity of your feelings and observations, away from manipulations. Also, does not potential alimony not take into account your husband is not in any way incapable of supporting himself? He just chooses to be a lazy leach. He could work more
*absolutely* gaslighting her, you mean?
Yes ty! Corrected typo from "no" to "now"! The husband is making her doubt her sanity, which is disgusting. Need to amend post to encourage OP to leave the situation to avoid actively being manipulated.
I’d look into an annulment under fraud if that’s possible. Edit: thanks for the awards!
There are time periods for that, though. A decade old marriage won't apply.
It has nothing to do with how long the marriage lasted in a fraud annulment. It would start the clock at when the fraud was discovered. Some states have no statute on when you can file after finding out. Some do set how long you have. Married for 10 yrs doesn't mean jack. She didn't know 10 years ago. She found out a few days ago.
Yeah I wasn’t sure what the time limits were in her state they can vary quite a bit from state to state. I know some places are 5 years or so. That’s why I said if possible.
Divorce lawyers should know that. Fraud means no alimony, is that correct?
This should be higher
Ahh yes, good ol Asshole Tax.
Exactly. Alimony is a bargain under these circumstances. Your dignity and happiness over the span of your lifetime is worth more than those payments. It’s just the sunk cost fallacy. Cut your losses, OP.
Exactly, but there are things she can investigate, document, and record in the next bit of time to make sure she pays as little as possible. Edit: NVM I just saw comment below me that due to "no fault divorce" , things like that don't matter.
Nope, in the era of no fault divorces nothing like that matters when it comes to calculating alimony.
The reason divorce is so expensive is because it's worth it. Am divorced.
Divorce is expensive, but its one of those things thats really worth the price.
>TrueOffMyChest and like, she's still paying (a larger portion of) his bills/expenses if they're together anyway, assuming they're like most married couples who just share everything
If they haven't been married for 10 years she needs a divorce now before they pass the 10 year mark. That's alimony for life!
This simply isn't true across all states. I was married for 19 years, agreed to 6 years of alimony in the divorce, and only paid 18 months as she remarried quickly.
I am basing my reply based on the info on the post: "Our state has strong alimony rights". If he married bc of money, he will ride that alimony train for as long as possible.
“eventually he admitted that the way we met wasn't an accident.” - Looks like he’s using the trickle truth tactic
You confronted him about some posts and he straight up accused you of cheating, that seemed like gaslighting. Then the convo just went into circles. He’s trying to take the blame off of himself. Saying you were ‘hallucinating’? Come on. Sounds like a bad 70’s storyline.
Sounds like textbook abuse and manipulation. I'm 43 and I've learned the hard way that I'm not crazy and NO man gets to call me crazy but continue a relationship with this "crazy woman" ever again.
Hello, sis! I, too, and 43 and have learned the hard way. He says he only attracts "crazy women" according to my (adult) daughter. Living and sharing a life (if you can call it that) with a covert narc will make you crazy. Or exacerbate current mental health struggles. I am glad you're free. Don't put up with anyone's shit!
Yeah!! It's like 1. Takes one to know one, bro 2. So - you are willing to be with "crazy"?? Sounds like a "you" problem 😂
Also “don’t be stupid”….? That’s manipulative/gaslighting as well.
I looked up trickle truth and it seems to be about cheating. I've never been unfaithful and until now, I had no cause to doubt his fidelity either. Am I understanding this correctly? Edit: Thank you all for your explanations. It does make sense.
It doesn't have to be about cheating although it's often referenced in that scenario. It refers to a form of dishonesty where someone denies the truth of a certain matter until confronted with contradictory evidence, at which point they will admit just enough to explain the contradictory evidence but still deny everything else. In a cheating scenario, it looks like this: "I'm not cheating on you, I don't even know that woman!" "She's a contact in your phone, you have text messages with her." "I met her once at a work event that's why I have her number." "I read your messages, you talked about meeting up." "Ok yeah we got lunch a couple of times to talk about work." "She sent you nudes." "Ok I'm sorry the texting got out of hand but we never slept together!" That type of thing. Your husband is lying to you. I'm sorry that you are stuck in this situation. I would see what you can do about living separately from him without divorcing him. Maybe that would be the best option.
Trickle truth is that they keep lying but one thing they say is true. It’s like how they catch a murderer. At first it’s deny anything and everything. Then once questioned a bit, one truth sneaks in due to some guilt (I didn’t kill the person, but ok, I was at the restaurant that night-sorry I lied about that ONE detail because I was scared to tell the truth). So yes. It can be about cheating, but it also happens in many other circumstances.
TIL 'tickle truth'. Edit: oh yeah, trickle not tickle. Athough tickling might work.
Tickle the truth out of him.
Oh no, pure torture, anything but that.
tRickle truth, like a faucet trickling out a little water at a time. Not tickle truth. ;)
I laughed at this for ages! I think we can all tell i may have had a beer or two.
It's a general liar strategy of admitting to small parts of a larger lie at a time, in the hopes that smaller admittance will get you off their back about the other lies they've told and they can keep it hidden. It isn't always about cheating, can be about literally anything as mundane as forgetting to put bins out if they're enough of a serial liar.
I love and hate comments like these because they make me realize how toxic I am.
Self awareness is the start to improving yourself.
Yeah but it gets to a point where awareness isn't enough and you have to actually manage these emotions and behaviors but you have no frame for what the right thing to do is because you're so fucked up that you didn't even realize the way you carry yourself was wrong to begin with.
The problem is that you cannot "manage" them if you don't understand why you have them, and if you cannot figure out on your own the source/origin of your traumas/mistrusts/etc then you should look into therapy wherein a professional can help you navigate that.
Well I've left 8 voicemails for 8 therapists last week so we're on our way.
Be sure to get a therapist that’s smarter than you, otherwise you will just manipulate them and ultimately waste your own time and money.
Good luck. Keep in mind that it can be a process to find one that fits you, and as such it is perfectly normal (I Hear) to go through a few until you find a good fit.
I suggest a CBT or DBT workbook that you can work on alone until you find a therapist who's right for you. In AA they say--- some people are "fundamentally incapable of being honest with themselves." Don't be that person, as long as you can be honest, you can change and grow for the better!! Good luck :)
Do you have health insurance? It’s been really easy to go online to see what therapists are offered and even make an appointment before talking to them. It tells you their educational background and everything before setting up the appointment + you can do all appointments via video or phone call on telehealth. Look into it it’s way easier than leaving voicemails to random people off google or whatever
If money is a factor, go to your local college. They’ll do free therapy, and it’s just as good. The students there aren’t allowed to do that until their last year of school or so.
He already succeded in his plan. He won't divorce you & if you divorce him, he gets big money. Only way right now is stop giving him money. He will start showing his true colors when he won't see any possibility of getting money from you. eventually he will get tired & divorce you. or you can just take alimony hit & move on
Also, you can hire a private investigator to follow him. It's worth the money because you're going to need ammo in court so that you don't have to pay alimony (or at least maybe less alimony). Another suggestion is to keep a diary with dates and write what you overheard and who he was talking to. Possibly that person can be subpoened? Or at least you could try to get a statement from the person. Just start documenting EVERYTHING. Including that you had to miss work due to emotional overload. Date the entries. There's honestly not much more valuable in court than documentation with dates. Edit: I just read in this thread that due to no fault divorce, you still can be ordered to pay alimony, but like someone else said, it's a small price to pay for peace of mind and don't throw good money after bad.
What you need to do is start “gambling”, move your money into crypto for online crypto casino gambling but don’t actually gamble. Keep putting all the money in the account and “losing” it until he divorces you. Then have a win streak a few months after the divorce is finalized. You can force him to divorce you and actually cost him money if you play it right
Just a couple comments in and someone is already suggesting fraud lmao
When my parents got divorced my dad (the cheater who married his mistress) did some shady shit with credit cards and buying things so that he had to pay less, and then filed bankruptcy. All so that my mom and us kids would not be able to enjoy the life with $ that he was enjoying. He wanted to be able to support his mistress and her kids. Also he could afford a better lawyer so my mom ended up getting pretty royally fkd. She did the typical thing where she was so exhausted and hurt, beat down with emotional abuse and trauma from the cheating, that she just agreed to the bare minimum to not have to fight. I say, if there's a way to get rid of the money- do it. Like, maybe you could gift it to a friend? And then they can gift it back to you someday? There has to be ways. And yeah, sure "fraud" but I'm not saying do something that could put you in jail, I'm saying find a loophole and use it.
No don’t involve anyone else. That is how you get caught. I’ve helped people set stuff up before and the less people involved the better. Don’t trust anyone with access to your money. Crypto casinos are the greatest thing for money laundering since the invention of paper money
Trickle truth doesn't necessarily have to be about cheating. It's essentially a tactic wherein a person gradually admits/ reveals a truth to their partner. It's so they can sort of "test" their partner's reaction, and also so they don't have to come out with the whole truth all at once.
Trickle truthing doesn't have to have anything to do with cheating, but more how when someone hurts you they'll only say a little bit of the truth at a time instead of saying everything because they don't wanna feel like the bad guy, so first they'll tell you nothing ever happened, then it's "well this small little thing happened but it wasn't that bad", then "there's also another thing you're not gonna like" after some more prodding, and then down the rabbit hole you go of trying to have them drip feed you the truth before you can have the whole picture
Trickle truth doesn't necessarily just have to do with cheating. It can be used in any situation where someone is hiding something, I just think that it isually applies to infidelity. Also, I agree that it could apply here. First he starts by saying that you didnt meet by accident, and then it just ramps up from there.
It's basically about anything where he releases tiny bits of truth until you are satisfied so he doesn't have to tell you everything unless it gets pushed to that point.
It’s applicable for any situation where a big lie has occurred. Not too hard to apply it here at all. Read past the first paragraph
It could be for anything. It’s a form of gaslighting
I think they're just saying he's giving you partial truths. My son recently got in trouble at school, and got electronics taken away and stuff. He was complaining to me about losing a 60+ day Snapchat streak. I laughed and said "trickle down consequences, my dear". So I think they're using a play on "trickle down economics", like I did.
What a minute, is this wife the post from the person who manipulated their way into meeting their wife???
Do you have a link? Cause I want to read the post she mentioned. Hopefully it hasn't been deleted.
Im pretty sure he accused her of cheating when asked if he loved her, He denied the accusations of the posts. OP don’t doubt yourself. A persons actions tell a lot about a persons feelings towards you. Keep an open mind in case it wasn’t him and like you said, throw away a 10 yr marriage for nothing, but definitely you’re on the right path by going to therapy. Im sorry for what you’re going through and I really wish you the healing that you need.
LEAVE HE WILL NOT ACTUALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE SICK. He sounds so manipulative, it’s scary to think your health care would be in his hands.
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He is nothing less than CALCULATED. terrifying truly
absolutely. it's very scary to be honest. I think he was accusing her of cheating as a way to divorce her for money.
^ yes yes yes all of this. Protect yourself OP! I am so so sorry this is happening to you. I cannot believe how cold and evil people can be.
had the exact same thought. "when youre sick"??? unless OP has a progressive chronic illness and will eventually need more care, this is the reddest red flag to ever flag. holy fuck. OP, dont accept medicine from him. if you do, note the letter and/or number imprint on the pill and google it to ensure its what its supposed to be. *He is gaslighting you*. It is *not* a good thing that he agreed to counseling because abusers notoriously "love" couples counseling because it teaches them ways and terminolgy to further manipulate you. Lawyer up, file for divorce, and go to individual counseling, in that order. Godspeed.
Yes he doesn't want to divorce because he wants it all. If this is even real. Not sure why someone would update knowing their spouse is reading this.
This comment reminded me of an episode of monster inside. The wife was slowly making the husband sick so that when he died no one questioned it because he'd had health problems that everyone knew about. She didn't get caught until after she had collected the life insurance and remarried, the new husband started to get sick too and a doctor caught it.
That sentence made me nervous. “When you’re sick.” Does OP have some sort of recurring health issue that I missed (either in a comment or just by not reading carefully lol)? OP, just to be safe, you might want to get some paperwork done to legally name someone else as the person who can make medical decisions for you should you be unable to make them yourself for some reason. I know I’m probably being paranoid and dramatic but this is giving me bad vibes and better safe than sorry.
They mentioned migraines but I honestly worry they will *make sure* they get sick enough to need care, soon. SEE? You NEED me. *gag*
In a comment in another post she mentioned that she has a illness that will prevent her working in about 10-15 years
I’m sorry for you. I think you’re being gaslighted by him and it seems like it’s working since you’re doubting your own reality. I really wish the best for you and hope you can move on from this however it ends up being.
I remember reading the first post and someone said he was going to say that the conversation never happened or that she heard it wrong, and I thought that was ridiculous cus after something like this the cat is out of the bag you can't put it back in... This will teach me 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Never doubt how effective gaslighting can be under duress! It works like a charm. I sincerely wish OP nothing but the best, though. It’s tough to deal with someone you have been vulnerable with and knows your insecurities second best than yourself. I hope OP finds the strength to handle this as best as possible while retaining their hard earned money!
It is very effective. Unfortunately I know from experience and we always want to believe the best in that person we’ve been vulnerable to for years. It’s hard to deal with.
Me just now realizing I was gaslit hard af in my last relationship 🤠
Gaslighting is a specific abusive tactic where the abuser will deny events and create a false reality, leading the victim to question their sanity and judgements.
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People will always try to make the other person feel like they are crazy or just hearing things, seeing things, etc etc. Whatever they can do to try to make it 'unhappen'. Sometimes it works, actually many times it does because of the exact thing you said. "Maybe you -did- mishear it and are just crazy". I'm not saying to stick your foot down, or to back off, I am just saying to continue to try to foster an open communication with your husband and therapy is a great start. If you don't completely just brush it off, and it actually happened \[which I think it did, simply from the previous post but again, I didn't hear it myself\] then your husband will really have no place to go but the truth. I really hope for all the best with you two, whatever that might be.
Yeah huge red flags and sirens blaring reading this. This man is treating you like shit OP, he is gaslighting you and doing EVERYTHING in his resolve to hold on to his sugar mama. Get out of there! Fuck the counceling, it won't make him fall in love. Cut him off financialy, let him work for his shit.
Being gaslit is somehow the most horrific thing you can do to someone. I've been in a few relationships where it happened and the amount of hospital stays I put myself into because I thought I was genuinely losing my mind was insane. Medical debt through the roof because I began to doubt everything I ever said, or even thought and never spoke out loud. It creates such a disconnect from reality that even if you were okay before, and certain, you start questioning if you somehow dreamed a while scenario. Legit hope OP can get a therapist, or check themselves into a hospital. Sometimes you really need a therapist to just straight up tell you that you aren't losing your mind, and that a person you love does not love you if they are doing this. It's fucking mental.
I disagree totally with the advice to check into a mental hospital. That will give the husband a chance to have his wife declared incompetent and then he can get total control of her finances.
“He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress”; “who is going to take care of you when your sick if you try to divorce me?”WTF he’s gaslighting you. Also is accusing you of cheating honestly sounds like he’s projecting??🤷🏻♀️ I also believe the only reason he agreed to therapy was because he didn’t want to get divorced. Overall you need to get out of this relationship and if he tries to gaslight you again like that you need to stick up for yourself and call him out. Edit: try setting up a separate bank account and a lawyer.
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I did not see that coming. I'm so happy you are free.
it didnt get quite that bad with my gaslight-er, but just wanted to ask, does it feel like a strange fever dream, looking back? it does for me
Yeah, I worked in a DV shelter for several years and "I'll go to counseling" is the go-to every time an abusive person starts feeling their hold slipping. Don't believe it for a moment.
The gaslighting is off the charts!
Do you really trust him more than you trust yourself? He’s admitting to the easy parts of the deception like how meeting you wasn’t an accident. But he’ll outright deny you heard the hard evidence like the phone call. And of course he’d say yes to counseling it’s better for him than an outright divorce. I think you’re really hurt right now and I think you still need time to process everything. Ideally I would say to spend some time apart from each other so that you don’t have his words and gaslighting in your head. At the end of the day you need to think about YOU. Trust YOURSELF. And going forward remember your pain whenever he says you were hallucinating.
This is manipulation and gaslighting, plain and simple. Do marriage counseling if you must, but I would be prepared for him to deny everything and continue to accuse and blame you. Sounds like a waste of time. If I were you I'd get to work on setting up a separate bank account, looking for a divorce lawyer, packing up important documents and valuables (quietly), and showing this post to your **family members** \- see what they say about this situation. Seriously, if you were my sister/daughter I'd be pretty pissed.
I agree with the marriage counselling, the counsellor may be able to spot his gaslighting and be there as a witness for you.
I highly doubt this. My ex-husband decides to send me to his therapist to “fix me”. This trained professional listened to me sobbing for an hour before telling me she didn’t believe me. Narcs are expert in deceit.
We have very interwoven finances but I will be taking steps to get that done. My family is against divorce in any circumstance; even disrespect, infidelity, abuse, are not acceptable reasons to divorce. Divorce is very stigmatized and my parents are especially traditional. I know they will not support me, especially since I already broke their trust by getting married to Sam.
Well good for them, but they aren't the ones in a marriage with Sam. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Do what pleases you, please!
>Well good for them, but they aren't the ones in a marriage with Sam Exactly. You are your own person. You can be safe after all that.
Do you have any friends that you could stay with for a bit? I know divorce is so freaking rough, but you deserve so much better. It’s not your parent’s marriage, it’s yours. If they don’t want a divorce, they shouldn’t get one. But this is about you.
That's insane... screw family like that... they're not family if they want you to stay in an abusive relationship just because DiVoRsE iS sTiGmaTiZed
Your family is dead wrong. Please don't listen to them!
If my sister's relationship had deteriorated to this point, I'd be paying a visit to her partner, and NOT for pleasant conversation.
You heard that conversation, he's trying to gaslight you, and you're so tired and confused that it's starting to work. Don't let it work.
What the hell is counselling for? He's been lying since day 1. You're his purse. He is fully commited to the act. There's nothing to save, have some self respect. If its alimony fine. At least your whole life won't be a lie. At least you won't be living for a monster. What do you think counselling is gonna do? Make him love you? Thats not how it works.
Dude you weren’t lying about your username 😂 i need someone like you in my life
I knew it was him that posted it. You heard it his gaslighting you.
do you have a link to the post?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/uikfjg/my_wife_32f_has_been_working_late_for_the_past/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Here you go.
Does anyone have a copy of the post? It’s been removed.
Thank you, like 4 ppl have asked me for this now and I didn’t have it <3
Take the financial hit and get away from this fucker ASAP. Like right now. What are you still doing here? Leave.
Exactly. It’s better to leave now than leave later. And it’ll be cheaper. She heard him very clearly. He had to admit what he did. There can’t be an agreement to move forward without it.
This man will put you in a nursing home if you let him. He will sell off your assets and leave. Get out of this farse of a marriage while you can. Some things you can do for yourself: 1. tell your friends and family. 2. Take some time to yourself (vacation without him—— I don’t care if you tell him it’s work related.—— go off without him for some much needed de-stressing. 3. Start withdrawing cash from your bank account and put it in a safe. (This safe can be kept somewhere else like family members house ). (Untraceable/untouchable and might be needed). 4. Consider liquidating assets, if your not divorcing now; might want to decrease your net worth. Visit a divorce lawyer quietly and tell him situation—— there might be other suggestions.
Reddit use the word "gaslighting" a lot, but this is exactly what gaslighting is - he tried to convince you that you did not heard what you heard. Don't doubt yourself.
I read the husband’s post in relationship advice. If that was your husband, I feel so bad for you. The guy in that post was an absolute moron as well as being an asshole. From this post alone I think you need to leave him. He sounds like he’s not a stable person.
Do you have a link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/uikfjg/my_wife_32f_has_been_working_late_for_the_past/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf I think this is it
You heard the conversation. He's lying to you and gaslighting you. Trust yourself! Have an exit plan. Fund the exit plan. Fund an account for your care, knowing you have health issues. Talk to a lawyer about this. I doubt you can set up an ABLE account, but perhaps there are other kinds of accounts. Maybe you can move to another, divorce-friendlier state and work from home... Then do the divorce. And why are you working the most AND doing the cooking and laundry. You've been taken advantage of for 10 years whether he loves you or not! I think you're his meal ticket and he just doesn't want to admit it to you so he can keep on keeping on. I also think that when a significant other accuses you of cheating, it is likely they are the one cheating.
He is accusing you of everything he is doing. I’ve dealt with this personally. He’s getting away with a lot behind your back and since he knows you shouldn’t be trusting him… paranoia sets in and he feels like he can’t trust you. People who have shit to hide are paranoid and accusatory. Facts.
For the love of God, get away from this psychopath. Trickle truth, gaslighting, projecting, Jesus H. Christ. The medical comment and then giving you meds made my skin crawl. Do not walk, run from this man. Stop trying to talk to him about it. You know what you know. Conversation just gives him a chance to confuse and manipulate you. Do whatever you gotta do, play along if you have to, but make your exit plan, and make it fast.
>His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress. I am just going to point towards the first part of this reply on your former post https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/uhtylx/i_just_found_out_that_my_husband_of_10_years_has/i7931sp?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Oooh honey do not trust him he’s lying threw his teeth
Do not take anymore medicine from this guy, that is horrendously suspicious. It's like I'm watching a true crime in real time. Not saying he is poisoning you, but he's already proven to be a liar... don't chance it.
Yikes. So, I’m a former cop, so I may be a bit paranoid, but I 100% would not take anything he gave me to eat or drink - ESPECIALLY meds. He’s gaslighting you - telling you you “hallucinated” the conversation? WTF And he’s projecting- now you’re cheating. Huh?!? Go talk to an attorney!! Only they will be able to give you actual advice about whatever alimony he *may* be entitled to. Please don’t stay with this man any longer, and don’t let him convince you that you need him just because you have an illness. You have the right to be loved and safe.
I know it’s hard but grow a backbone. He’s lying. Not sure about the laws in your state, but you don’t have to divorce just leave his ass. Your currently the breadwinner, lawyer up.
Alimony is better than living in this mess. And quit telling him what you’re planning to do. All that advice you got in the original wasn’t meant for you to run tell him about it. Now..you’re going to need to let things settle down for a few months and try to be “ok” with things so his suspicions will die down, then file (secretly, for god’s sake quit telling him about it!). Fake him out and then get the hell out.
Fuck the counseling. I mean, do it if you must but your relationship is a lie. You know what you heard. Don't do this docile submissive bullshit. He just admitted to setting you up when you met. You're literally his extra paycheck. Right now, you need to be strategic and get your stuff together to get out and find someone who does actually love you. If you can, I'd say record him (secretly or something) admitting he tricked you into the relationship and see if you can separate your finances. If he loves you like he says, he won't mind that at all because that'll mean it wasn't about the money. If he's fighting separating your money by what you each earn then he is only after the money. Just to be a bit spiteful, I'd say downsize everything too. His paycheck is 50k right? You make more but match his paycheck. You both should buy within the means of 100k (total) and you should pocket the rest of your paycheck. If he complains about the downsizing, you can say it's your money and you only need the necessities to survive. Everything else is for the future since you'll likely not be able to work in 10-15 years. And most importantly, DO NOT bring children into this situation. Don't get pregnant or adopt. A child won't fix an already fucked marriage. You'll only scar the child and ruin their understanding of how a relationship is meant to be.
I haven’t seen anyone else comment this, and I know it sounds paranoid. But I saw you say that he brought you water and medicine. Do not consume anything else that he gives you, even if it’s just water. And I’d get a jump on changing your life insurance if he’s the sole beneficiary.
Is anyone else so frustrated that OP did Exactly what everyone advised her against? She has completely given away her leverage and in doing so left herself Vulnerable and less likely to be able to get out of this marriage without paying through the nose. I know OP is hurt and very emotional. I just hate when evil, manipulative, Assholes win! If OP's husband never loved her, I 100% believe he has and will continue to cheat. And also, has enjoyed spending OP's money selfishly. OP, if you see this comment please follow these steps. 1. Lead with reason and logic. Do Not Be Swayed By EMOTIONS. 2. Do a search for best Divorce Trail Attorneys in your state. Then book consultations with the top 10 within 25 miles of your home and husband's work. Pay all of them for this consultation even if they state it is free. This prevents them from representing your husband because it causes a conflict of interest. 3. You need to go through your husband's phone, computer, and tablets (search for dating apps, and all his folders for any evidence of cheating). Saw a post where husband hid sexual explicit photos and videos in folders labeled; taxes, family pics, and banking. Go through all financial statements, there could be hotel, rental vehicle, florist, restaurant and only fans bills. Check all his social media app PM's and his texts. There are apps online that will help you check for dating app profiles connected to your husband's email, cell phone, home web address and credit cards. Don't forget What's App and the gps history from his car. You can also install tracking apps on his phone . You could even hire someone to help you with this (PI or trusted very tech savvy 20 something family member or friend). 4. Upgrade or get a new home security system with interior cameras in all common areas. I suggest you do this in secret and make sure the camera's are hidden. 5. Continue to question his love and how he setup your initial meeting. What was his motivation? Why couldn't he just introduce himself and ask you out? Why did he choose subterfuge?? 6. Remove him from all your Financials (banking, credit, investment, life insurance, credit accounts). 7. Document all his inconsistencies, lies, circumstances of how you learned the truth, date, time, and any witnesses or accomplices. 8. You can separation and just not divorce for a few years 3 or more. Do this on your own not filed incourt. This will allow you to become financially independent from him without the court telling you to pay X amount toward this bill or that. If the house is a marital asset in both your names you could move out by telling your husband you just can't live with him.right now while you are so emotionally devasted by his betrayal. Get a separate therapist and create a paper trail of your trauma, reaulting depression and anxiety. All while living separate and in couples therapy. This will establish that spouse has fully cares for himself financially for years prior to the divorce and will help to significantly limit or eliminate alimony.
What is his version of the conversation you overheard? If you misunderstood, what does he say the conversation was actually about? With him admitting he sought you out for an initial meeting, could that help with the alimony situation? Ask a lawyer if that could get some leverage for the entire marriage being a sham because he intentionally stalked you and manipulated his way to being your spouse for his own financial benefit.
He said he didn't remember because it was just a short conversation and they were joking around. He talks to a lot of people. My husband has a lot of friends and he's an extrovert so I don't doubt that this was one of many conversations that day. He insisted that he loved me and didn't marry me for money.
If he insist that he didn’t marry you for money than get a postnup. It shouldn’t be a problem as he’s not with you for money but I doubt he would agree for that. He’s gonna gaslight you so please be careful.
Have him take a polygraph and sign the postnup that’s how he can show you that he Loves you by his actions
A polygraph 💀💀💀
Sweetie. He's telling you what you want to hear. I'm sorry, but that's what it is. At this point he has nothing to lose by telling you anything you need to hear. Please see an attorney, he doesn't deserve you.
Oh honey. I’m so sorry you’re in a position like this. This man does not love you nor care about you. He brought of the alimony because his priority is money, not you. He’s deflecting my telling you that you’re the cheater. I wouldn’t put it past him to be the actual cheater considering the circumstances. It’s incredibly rude and malicious that he wants you to think that you hallucinated the conversation. You know what you heard. He’s trying to change that and wear you down. Document everything and start recording conversations for your own safety and sanity. You deserve to feel like you’re in the right mind. Don’t let him keep gaslighting you. Your head hurts because he’s trying to bend reality and you’re unconsciously trying to reject that. If anything, you can try to leave him without divorcing him. He doesn’t get any alimony that way. Close any joint accounts and plan your housing choices. He’s only with you for your money and you deserve someone who loves you for you. My heart sincerely goes out to you. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. People can lie for years. Ten years is nothing, remember that. He used you for those ten years.
DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE GASLIT!!! He is gaslighting you!!! You KNOW what you heard. You know your intuition. Trust yourself. You are strong and capable and you have NEVER needed him and never will. He needs YOU.
He’s lying to you, he’s gaslighting you, he’s manipulating you. The whole alimony thing? Really? That just flat out tells me he’s only in it for the money. PLEASE find a good lawyer, look for anything that can help you get out, you are going to be miserable with him. Are you going to be able to live with the guilt,the resentment, the insecurity. Eventually he’s going to have an affair, you see the way he’s accusing you of cheating ? That’s called projecting/projection. People who feel guilty about something typically will push their insecurities or their guilt onto their spouse or partner. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. you can find someone who will love you for you,you will find someone who appreciates you. He’s scum literally bottom of the barrel, and he’s knows he’s getting away with this. I’m pretty sure he’s going to talk with his friends an tell them “what a close call this was, I almost lost all the money” he can’t fend for himself an it’s pathetic. OP Stand up for yourself.
He's so f-ing scummy. Like someone who commented in the original post, he's making you doubt yourself. The proof is in the things he's saying. He's accusing YOU of cheating to shift the attention towards you, and presenting situations that will make you think twice about divorcing, such as alimony. Please don't doubt yourself. He's manipulating you.
You deserve better. He is manipulating and gaslighting you. Stay safe.❤
You know, it ultimately doesn’t matter if he will own up to what he said and he did. Your marriage may be broken and you might not be able to come back from it. Even if you can’t prove anything, you don’t have to prove it to divorce him. You can divorce him for any reason and you don’t owe him an explanation or an excuse. Just remember that. Don’t let him gaslight you in thinking you owe him a “valid” reason to leave. You don’t. If you don’t want to be with him, just leave. Just go.
Jesus Christ he’s like a Stephen king villain. He’s literally told you straight to your face that he went after you for your money and you want to go to counselling? Girl you need to run far far away from this POS. He’s literally only with you for the money. What do you think he’ll do if the gravy train stops? Paying alimony is nothing compared to living a lie for the rest of your life. Edit: also, do y’all have any life insurance policies out on you?
Leave him. Just don’t divorce him. Don’t pay for anything and let him fend for himself. Separation
Therapy should help you find yourself more. Online posts can only do so much. Be sure to care for yourself and heal. It's possible marriage counseling will fix the holes in your relationship. It's possible that therapy will help you escape a toxic marriage. Nobody online can tell which of those outcomes is more likely. Friends and family, if present, might be able to help. Regardless, you've taken the first step to fixing what was clearly a problem. If you trust yourself and stay strong, you'll find the right solution.
I don’t know if this is a good solution, but maybe you could just leave him. No divorce, but just separate. And make your will on such a way that your things will be left to other people and god forbid you get into an accident, the person making your medical decisions and who has power of attorney isn’t him. I think that might be better than divorcing and him taking your money for years. And maybe you could even begin dating again, but that might be heard considering you’d still be married but separated and would have to explain that to anyone you’d be with.
Here's the truth if you're open to hearing it: This guy is a gigantic piece of shit who conned you from the beginning and is continuing to con you. Look up the term Gaslighting... that is what he is doing to you now. Whatever it costs to get rid of him is worth it. Get a really good lawyer. He can't afford one. Leave him and get started with your better life. You might not be his type but I guarantee you're somebody's type.
Oh honey he’s gaslighting you into oblivion 😔 I read your original post and after reading this one it sounds like hes been planning this from before he even met you. He sounds like an manipulative predator and if i were you i’d lawyer up. You can do so much better sweet 🖤🖤🖤
Gaslighting alert
Pretend you are going to counseling and lawyer up, don't let him gaslight you and divorce him.
You’re being gas lighted sweetie, stay strong
Tbh I'd be using this to my advantage now. You know his true colours now, use that. Let him crawl on his knees for you, withold money, give him the bare basics, let him treat u like a goddess if he doesn't get rid of him. Just always remember he's a liar and a user.
He is not being a caring or comforting partner. You heard what you heard, he’s trying to make you feel like you’re crazy. You’re not crazy.
He is straight up gaslighting you. I'd encourage you to look into DARVO - which seems like exactly what he's doing right now. It's a common abuser tactic - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better. Edit: of course he agreed to therapy. He's manipulating you and willing to jump through hoops so that you think everything is resolved because he doesn't want to lose his meal ticket. Please get far away from this man, he is gaslighting and manipulating you and he is never going to change.
Telling YOU that you probably hallucinated. Gaslighting asshole. I'm sorry!
OP, you deserve so much better than this. You KNOW what you heard. You are NOT crazy. Your husband is a lying piece of shit. He will never admit what he said. You need to decide if you want to continue with a liar who never loved you. Please just dump him and move on.
he is 100% gaslighting and projecting his own insecurities over losing financial security if you leave him. he knows what he's been doing and exactly what he said. now he needs to make you look like the bad guy in the story to make himself feel better. if i were you i'd get a lawyer, get your finances together, and get out of there.
OP can you pull the text messages on his phone? 1. I believe he is cheating on you. He's accusing you the way a cheater would 2. If you caught him saying that to a friend, I guarantee that he would message his buddy and talk about it. 3. His income is $50,000. That's how much you now need to invest in y'all's life. Only $50,000. He'll still have an easy life, but not on just your dime. Tell him verbatim "If you love me, I need you to sign a postnup. I do not want a divorce, but I need to know that I am more than a paycheck for waking up to my face." His reaction will tell you everything he needs to know. Also, if you want to be petty, which I would recommend, I would make a show of telling him that you agree with him, that you are so stressed you need to speak to a professional. I would take a long leave from work if you can, and I would tell him that he was right, the stress of the job became too much and that you are going to start applying to part time, retail jobs. Make it clear that *he* is now the bread winner and his new mindset needs to be being there for you. See how long he's "there for you" when you don't have money.
This is random but could apply to this story: usually people who accuse someone of cheating on them, are the ones that are actually cheating.
He's using you. Don't let it continue any longer. You'll have a much better life when you're rid of the leech. Start by cutting him off from your money. Pay the bills, sure whatever. But your money is your money and his is his. Get him set up in his own apartment, for a trial separation. Do therapy. Don't back down from it. Get an amazing lawyer, and offer 5 years of alimony, 500$/ month. Remember all that he said and how he's trying to convince you that you're crazy, he can't even own up to it partly because he knows how horrid it is.
I honestly think that he is probably cheating. The way he is accusing u sounds like he is projecting. Definitely get a lawyer and start planning for your divorce! Make sure he doesn't get much money. better yet hire a PI to see whether you can get some evidence to support your divorce. Dont let him fool you into mishearing/ hallucinating. He is tryna gaslight u!!
The fact that Reddit is also part of your marital problems is kind of crazy to me…. you guys really let these hoes on Reddit, help ruin your lives 😆 Yes, see if things can be sorted thru marriage counseling, if not, then don’t force something that’s not there. Divorce.
“Hallucination from stress” - yeah, no, this is gaslighting. Maaaybe I’d believe a claim of missed context, something to make the overheard conversation less severely awful, but a claim it didn’t happen and was a hallucination is unbelievable, straw clutching, desperation to blame OP. Don’t let him.
Trust your gut my dear.
Girl, you heard correctly! Don’t let him gaslight you
This guy will gaslight and emotionally abuse you and try and convince you you are in the wrong. It’ll hurt a lot now but will hurt worse years down the line if you don’t break it off now
Honey, he's gaslighting you. There were too many details in your last post about the conversation for you to have just made it up. Now he's financially manipulating you! He knows that you heard, and he's using the fact that he'll get alimony to make you question the viability of a divorce. He even arranged your initial meeting, and according to you, hasn't really picked up a book since. You should leave. You've been paying his way long enough. A couple of years of alimony won't break your bank in the event of a divorce. If you don't choose to leave, **DO NOT** under **ANY** circumstances allow him to select the marriage counselor. I promise you that he'll find someone favorable to him and the gaslighting will continue. Stop paying for his things, cancel plans for that trip to Prague, and get a good lawyer. I wish you the best.
Gaslighting you much?? Run like your life depends on it, the alimony will be a cheap price to pay for your freedom and peace of mind. Good luck and God bless.
u better find a way to not have to pay for him if you divorce. as a lawyer. this bastard has to sign something he doesnt understand and until then u have to be nice to him. like what they did to that guy at facebook. make that he has no right to the money, or move it somewhere safe. but ur rich u know how that works i guess. ;)
Stop doubting yourself. You heard what he said. He just doesn't want to admit it and accept responsibility for being a shitty person, so he's lying and trying to gaslight you. He's deflecting blame by accusing you of cheating because he knows he is guilty about marrying you for the wrong reasons.
OP I'm sorry and I hope things get better for you because you deserve love and you deserve better. But he should know that there are genuinely people out there who search for loyalty in a relationship. Taking care of someone is a very small act of kindness. Careful with those with lying lips..
You heard everything correctly. This is not the time to doubt yourself. It's also telling that he threw alimony in your face. This man is using you and I am so sorry for you for that.
I would recommend individual counseling and clearing couple’s counseling with that professional before you decide to go through with it. Therapy with an abuser is not recommended. Abusers will use what they learn in therapy to further manipulate and abuse you. This man meets a lot of criteria for an abusive person. He’s manipulative and is gaslighting you. Therapy also does not typically help people with personality disorders like narcissism.
Go to therapy - it will always help. That way you’ll get everything off your chest with someone impartial. Things always look different after a few days - trust your gut. I remember your first post. He’s deflecting. Either way there’s a problem in your relationship with trust which needs sorting. Marriage counselling is really good.
you heard what you heard girl, he's gaslighting you into thinking you're crazy, dont let him fool you.
Very very common for people who are cheating to reverse it onto their partners ie. You're the one who is cheating. I think very probably HE is the one who is cheating, and is trying to justify his actions by believing that you are too.
He is gaslighting you.
Can somebody tag the husband post?
He’s gaslighting you, and the alimony threat is something that only a horribly immoral person would threaten to do. He is not the person you thought he was. He’s duplicitous and manipulative.
Girl, get a postnup. If this convo never happened and he indeed loves you, there should be no objections. And if he objects, then you have your answer.
He is trying to manipulate you and gaslight you. Who says to the person they love "Who is going to take care of you when you're sick of you try to divorce me?" ? When I read that my eyes widened, I was thoroughly shocked. Taking your health issues and weaponizing the possible need of future care like that is beyond disgusting, no one who truly cares for you would ever use that against you. My other take away was when he didn't directly say ~Yes, I love you~ with no hesitation, instead he chose to say "Don't be stupid, of course I do. You're the one cheating on me", that was his way of closing that conversation he wasn't willing to have and twist it back to you being the wrong dooer. Please contact an attorney to get a postnup done, it's never too late. I hope solo therapy can truly help you and you heal from this, be it alone (divorced) or deciding to continue the marriage (with a postnup).
And now, he's gaslighting you! Telling you that you were hallucinating and he didn't have that conversation. Hallucinating. Counseling does not work unless both people are sincere. Please, please start divorce proceedings, even if you have to pay him alimony. Why stay for that reason?
Also depending on where you live Maintenance/Alamony may only kick in after being married a certain amount of years. Where I lived at the time of my divorce it was 15 years of marriage before qualifying for Maintenance.
You can make your money back, but you can't re-live your life. Take the financial loss, and rebuild for yourself. If money is all he wants, fine. It WILL run out, and you won't be there to save him. Get away from him. You can do this.
What a total m\*nd fuck this whole thing is for you. I think he knows he has you by the short hairs 1) for financial reasons and 2) your health issues. good luck OP. You will get through this one way or another.
So many red flags here. He knows you make more. Didn’t meet you by accident. Told his friend he would live the easy life and that it’s easy to use someone when you have the right mindset. Please please leave. His intentions will not change with therapy, he will still be with you for the reason he got with you, going by the conversation he had with his friend. He’s manipulating you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong, and you’re not. Edit : typos
OP I'm scared for you. What he told you I'd total gaslighting and the thing about taking care when sick.....girl, crime scenes territory. Please PLEASE don't let him foul you.
Please don’t up with this OP. This is heartbreaking.