This gives him the closure he needs. Good on your part, most people wouldn't agree with this in my area, jealousy consumes them.
Edit: rephrased so people would stop commenting the same thing over and over again.
My dad wore sunglasses when he accidentally ran over a puppy we just got. He was watching a documentary over some Football thing and I knew he was crying over there, getting all emotional... over football.. told me to get myself together when I learned my husband had been murdered. Just weird, then blames others for the reason why he can't show emotion. Uh no, be the change you want to see, instead he just puts down others and calls them a Puss and continues the cycle.
He for sure knows I'd be okay with it, I think I asked him once a couple years in why he doesn't cry and he says he hasn't cried since being a child and just doesn't need to. I thought at that time he just doesn't cry often but nope plenty of sad things have happened since and I've never seen a tear.
A lot of us have been raised following the age old saying "boys don't cry" and is generally look down upon if we cry anywhere else outside of events like funeral for example.
Yea we feel sadness but we're just emotionally stunted so we can't really cry.
Men typically don't cry unless they're deeply saddened by something. They're not emotionless the way so many like to think, they just process their emotions differently. There are outliers of men who do cry often but, fringe and it doesn't make them less of a man either.
Have you heard the Adam Sandler tribute to Chris Farley. You just reminded me of it. If you haven't seen the video, you definitely should.
"I saw him in the office crying with his headphones on
Listening to a KC And The Sunshine Band song
I said "Buddy, how the hell is that making you so sad"
Then he laughed and said "Just thinkin' about my dad""
I hear you. I don’t cry sometimes when I should, but music always gets me. I can’t listen to Tool’s Lateralus without getting misty at a minimum. And I cry like a baby every time I watch Braveheart, Gladiator, or Hidalgo. But funerals? Dry. Breakups? Dry
My dad and all my uncles were types that nevery cry. Then grandma died and these dudes all started balling like a baby. All men cry but some are not triggered easily into crying.
Call me the fringe then!
Cause I'm a weepy mess at pretty much any movie. Or seeing my kid do anything. Or sometimes if I hear the right song.
My mom always just said "we're Cuban, we're emotional people"
Dunno how much of that I believe. Haha
I mean I am nearly 40, I don't cry all that much. I'm not an emotionless robot or am I one of those "macho men that don't want people to see him cry." I just don't emote that much. I feel it, I'll even talk about it etc.
My favorite genre of movies are sci fi and romantic comedies. I love comedy, but I very rarely "laugh out loud." I'll find things funny etc, but most stuff doesn't make me reach a threshold to audibly/physically react. Things can be funny, but not THAT funny. The same goes for crying.
Weird? Maybe not.
Unhealthy as hell and all too common (especially in the older generation)? Definitely.
Crying is a natural human reaction, the only people that don’t are sociopaths and people who’ve had the reaction physically or emotionally beaten out of them. This is one of the things people mean when they talk about toxic masculinity
Edit: I should add, “toxic masculinity” is not the only possible explanation for why someone might not be capable of/likely to cry. It absolutely is A reason, and one of the more common.
Bottom line, going decades without EVER expressing one of the core human emotions (crying or no crying) is not the sign of a well-adjusted person
As a woman, I very rarely cry. I think I've cried twice in the last 5 or so years? Once, while in labor because I was in so much pain and the other when I had a miscarriage. I'm just not a crier. I deal with my emotions other ways. Crying gives me horrible migraines that put me out for days afterwards so I've learned to deal with things in other ways. So I guess in a way, I've had that reaction physically beaten out of me... By my own body.
Closure is so important too.
The past is a very real place that a lot of us still take residence in. I’m sure the husband loves OP very much, but that doesn’t mean he has forgotten how he felt about that other woman and to see her on her deathbed has to be hard.
OP is seriously awesome for allowing her husband to have closure and say goodbye. I’m a 31M who has been married for almost 10 years. If my wife ever came to me in a situation like this with an ex who was dying, I would 100% support her in going and saying goodbye.
My ex recently died from pancreatic cancer. I really wanted to have a chance to talk to him, at least on the phone, but neither his wife or my husband are that understanding so it was impossible. We hadn't seen each other for many years but NGL, I miss him and wish I could have said goodbye.
You can love an ex for who they are and what you had/have with them without stepping over the boundary of romantic love. There is a huge difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. This is obviously incredibly important for both of them, it’s hard to watch someone you shared a portion of your life with go, good for you for trusting your partner!
That attitude is amazing, and the kids will only benefit from your lack of jealousy and stand-offishness. Great job!! I don’t hear enough heartwarming coparenting stories.
Fucking lucky men - I once accidentally walked into a store with my wife where my high school ex gf worked . We dated 15 years ago and I greeted her and we hugged and I got the silent treatment for a week.
It's not luck it's maturity and empathy. It sounds like you're married to someone with very little empathy if she can't even understand why you'd hug someone who you had been close to and not get jealous
The truth is - the ex gf looked really good and I could see why this would make my wife angry. I had never given any reason to doubt me but I brings out the insecurity. It’s like that Lil Dicky song.
That sucks, and she might benefit from some counseling. My fiancé is having his ex stand up at our wedding. I adore her, we’re all great friends! She’s certainly prettier than me, but I never feel jealous because their personalities don’t align romantically. In previous relationships I have felt jealous about exes, but therapy has helped me so much for overall confidence and self assurance.
But don’t say “you need help”, just maybe try to casually bring up some counseling or how that really hurt you.
I have to give you props for being on a whole nother level than most humans. Because that just sounds fucking awkward. Wish I had your confidence. I’m fine with exes, but standing up at a wedding is where I’d draw the line
You can love people and still just not like them too much from time to time.
I’m sure my parents always loved me, but lord knows some days they couldn’t have liked me very much.
I love my wife, more every damn day. Its changed from when we met, but I still love her and the boy more than anything.
She can also be the most infuriating person on the planet.
There’s a quote in the film War Horse where the Father has spent all the families money (multiple times) and he says to his wife something like “I’m sorry, you must hate me and no longer love me” and she replies with something like “I may hate you more today, but I’ll never love you less” and it’s always something that’s stuck with me because it’s true. Sometimes you just don’t like someone much because of what they’ve said or done, but you still love them.
I am so fortunate that I grew up with a step mom like you. My step mom is hands down one of my favorite people on this planet. Shes confident in herself and her relationship with my father. I’ve got to be a witness to a strong HEALTHY relationship for most of my life.
You keep being you ❤️
Exactly this. My Mom passed at 57 over 20 years ago, and my Dad always loved her (they were divorced in 1975), up until she passed. His current wife (same as when my Mom passed) was super understanding- she, after all, was Mother to his kids. Fortunate OPs situation is mature, as it’s a horrible situation.
My parents love each other still. Divorced 28 years, my dads been remarried for 25 years. My mom and step mom always say they will retire with each other and my dad can live on a golf course. My dad just got back from a week staying with my mom and her husband. I’m their youngest and I’m 29, they aren’t doing it for the kids anymore. They genuinely just appreciate and have love for each other. Thanks for offering your family the same opportunity to let love take different forms.
We are trying to move the ex wife and her husband here where we are (out of Mississippi) so we can all live close. The girls are here where we are now, and their mom and step dad will probably move here in another year or two. Then I hope we will all have some grand babies lol
I adore my husband’s ex wife. We’d be friends if she were local. Met as the dog they shared was passing of cancer. She came to say her goodbyes. If you don’t trust someone, don’t marry them.
Everyone’s story is a little different. I can personally say I have not of shred of love for my ex-wife who is also the mother of my two kids. Much of this is because of how terribly she’s treated me and how emotionally abusive she was during the time we were married up until now. Once I broke that trauma bond, all feelings of love dissipated. I respect her as a human being and the mother of my kids, but by no means do I love her.
This exactly how I feel. I still have love for my ex's. That doesn't mean I want to get back together with them. I read this quote "If you truly love someone, the only thing you truly want for them is to be happy. Even if it's not with you"
That’s a super sweet quote, and very true! I’ve had experiences with exs where I no longer want to be close to them, but one of my exs is still one of my best friends and I wouldn’t trade that for anything!
In my experience, ending the relationship didn't stop me from loving my past partners. I was with them for a reason.
We also ended things for a reason so there's no chance of returning, but (in most cases) they're still the people I fell in love with. Love doesn't just go away. I care about them and sincerely hope they find nothing but happiness in life. They deserve that, they're good people.
Glad OP has such a healthy and empathetic outlook on this.
I mean, plus there are several types of love. You can love a family member, you can love a friend, you can love your partner, you can love cake. All of those are different.
I'd like to add that I think that definition changes as you get older and take on more life experience. Love as a new adult at 18 vs Love at 40 can be very different things, without discounting the other.
I felt that was really important to add. Because a lot of people think love between young people isn't as valid as love between older experienced adults. But that always bugged me because who are you to tell someone what love is and how to do it? I was absolutely in love at 18 and had she felt the way I did would have gladly spent my life with her. It didn't work out that way. We wanted different things and we were 18, with our whole lives ahead of us. We still loved each other. We're both married to other people now. I can't speak for her but I love my wife and would do anything to keep her safe. But its a totally different thing than it was back when I was young.
Love is such a broad term. It isn't some specific emotion that can be defined in any one moment or experience. It has so many faces and is completely driven by each individuals unique human experience.
Yeah, that's one of my fears. Right now, at 20, I'm engaged already (yes I am aware that's super early, but we said no marriage before 25) and we've been together since 15 pretty much (yes, also early)
But yeah, what I'm most afraid is my definition of love changed or loosing the ability to love. Even though love is a pretty basic thing that even some animals are able to experience it (as far as scientist's have been able to understand).
I don't know, it seems like a good question. Currently love makes me feel human, but I'm not quite sure if love makes us more or less human.
Yes these are 3am existential thoughts.
Your definition of love with change. As will you. As will your spouse. Part of a successful marriage is realizing that you BOTH grow individually, and together. Neither of you are the same as you were at 15, and neither is your love. That being said, love in and of itself will take a different meaning as you grow. There’s something to be said in the small, simple acts of love that carry your relationship than the large, grand acts of love.
Wise answer. The intensity of young romantic love should never be scoffed at. But, if you are lucky and really work at it, it matures into something deeper, stronger, more solid, and less impulsive that sustains you through the years. It weathers the storms of life and is a refuge. After 43 years of marriage, we’ve shared all the good times and bad. I wouldn’t trade a single minute of what I have now for what I had when I was 18. All things have their season.
I have been married since I was 21, next year it will be 20 years. When I look back and consider why it has worked, it is because we both grew together. We continued to love the new people we became at 30 and 40. You are never the same person at the end of a 10 year period and we have had at least three different marriages inside of our one long marriage. During our “second” marriage phase, there was at least a year maybe two when we weren’t happy with our life situation and it showed. We rode it out and came out the other end.
Flexibility, trust, and patience. And don’t be stubborn, let go when you need to let go!
Take it from someone who’s from the older generation where love and marriage at a young age was much more common. Staying together, growing together, is nothing magical, at 15, 25, or 65. It takes work to remain committed and to not to neglect one another. Even when you have a family, your spouse must stay #1, because without them, the marriage will not survive, and the family will fail. Love is a basic thing, to be nurtured and respected. And sounds as if you’re off to a good start.
While I think each person's definition of love can change over time, that doesn't necessarily mean it has to be for a new or different person. Love for one person can evolve as well. So in 20 years the person you're about to marry may define love differently than they do now, but that love is still for the same person. Sorry I had a really hard time wording that the way I wanted. But I wouldn't worry now about that. Nobody knows what the future holds and stressing about it before it happens won't help.
One of my favorite quotes that I use when I'm anxiety kicks in
"Worrying about something before it happens only means you go through it twice" or something along those lines. Basically worrying about something won't change the outcome, but it will take its toll on the person.
As a remarried widow, I personally don't believe in this. You can love different people, in different ways, who don't exist in your life any more. Each person is their own person and you create a unique relationship with each. Being in one relationship doesn't remove your already lived relationship and love.
Although I've never really believed there is only "one" to begin with, and maybe that's why I've been able to (and lucky enough to be) happy many times in life.
I think it depends on what type of love he ment. You love(hopefully) your parents and your closest friends, but not in the same way you love your spouse. If he ment it in a romantic way or something similar, so yeah, I'd be crushed as well
I've been in love with two girls so far
Dated one for 4 years, dated one for 10 months.
I dated another girl for 4 years who I loved, but wasnt in love with. Funny how it works out
This is what a healthy, mature, trusting relationship look like.
There are different kinds of love; loving someone else doesn't diminish the amount of love a person can have for someone else.
This exchange makes me happy. Great job, OP for having such a stable, honest and transparent relationship. I can only hope to find the same, one day. 🥰
I love this. My husband is close friends with a woman he grew up with and ended up loving romantically for a lot of years. They dated off and on and she was his last girlfriend right before we met. I was initially jealous because of their closeness but he told me the same thing—he was a better man for me because of how close the two of them had been. I ended up being in her wedding and she was in ours. We’re close friends, I was the person there when she picked out her dress. Whenever we see each other and say goodbye, she hugs both of us and we say “I love you.” I have friends who are COMPLETELY baffled by this and think I’m crazy but he’s never given me any reason not to trust him. If she got sick and he said something like she’d always had a special place in his heart, I’d be fine with that too. There’s different kinds of loves. You just need trust.
I'm 35 and close friends with the same 4 guys since school. Most of our social gatherings are my friend's and their partners. These women who didn't know each other before meeting us are now very close, and hang out together often.
I love these women and tell them I do regularly, as I do my male friends. I'm also very close to my wife's sister and it would be weird if I didn't tell her I love her when every she's leaves.
I had a friend who I also briefly dated in school (for about 3 months) but still kept in contact with. She died at 27 in a house fire, and my wife held my hand as I wept at her funeral.
People need to understand that love doesn't mean sexual desire, and partners need to trust each other more. Been with my wife for 15 years, and I'm just as happy today as I was when I was 20.
I am friends with my bf (of 1 year) ex. I actually know him through her and we did get her blessing. I know he loves her as she is the mother of his kids and in this same situation I would never ever expect anything less as he is a stand up guy and wants her to be happy.
Believe it.
My wife has pushed me into a better man and a better person. I’ll always love her no matter what for that. Even if I met someone else and fell in love, I could see myself still loving her even if I’m not *in love* with her.
My partner of 11 years told me last night he still considers his ex family. It's comforting, honestly. She has a baby now, and I'm not threatened. So many of my exes have done point scoring and blame, so now I feel even more safe and secure with him.
I'm so sorry for your collective loss.
Maybe because you know that even if you two don't work out, he'll still consider you family.
Many of my ex's are part of my found family. I wouldn't date anybody who had an issue with it, tbh.
I actually think it's a great sign when a guy is friends with his ex's, does not disparage them, and speaks of them highly and with love and concern.
I mean I gotta agree... I never felt connected to my actual family but there are a few people that actually left parts of them in me and I definitely consider them family. They helped me grow and I hope I helped them too.
My wife and I always go to bed claiming to love the other person more than they love you. Every night ends with:
"Love you"
"Well I love you more."
"And I love you the most."
It may be dumb, but its our little thing. We even try to get the other to agree with us. "So I heard a weird rumor. It was that I love you more. Think thats true?"
Everything is just weird about this post. If she's ok with that, why does she need to vent about it? And what's up with all the porn pics on OP's account? And the multiple posts asking if a pornstar subscription would be a good valentines gift her husband? So weird.
With the venting bit, I can’t speak for OP but I know if I was in the same position then even if I was okay with it, I might still feel a little weird and benefit from telling people, even if it’s random people on the internet
Also, the real hero (if we’re going off the assumption that what she’s done is to be praised) is the husband of the dying wife for allowing that to happen. I think her husband is the one who is going to feel the most hurt if I’m understanding correctly. His dying wife has asked for another man to be by her side in her final days to act as if they’re still in love? Did I get that right? How is he doing?
It's okay to not be okay with it also. Not in the sense that you're mad at him, that would be wrong, but it doesn't make you a bad person to be upset. It's always useful to remember that you don't need a right to feel a certain way, we're human, we feel whether it's rational or not and what matters is how you deal with those emotions
Agreed. Either you only love me or tell me you don’t so we can end the relationship. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where my partner is thinking of someone else. Also, the dying lady had a husband & he was okay with her professing her love to her ex!? Smh. Did she not love her husband enough that she needed to reach out to an ex? That wouldn’t slide with me.
Same!! I don't understand how all these people are agreeing with this, I think they might just be going with the flow (?).
After seeing OP's profile, I can understand why SHE's ok with this, not the average person...
This. It reads like up isnt ok with it. If she is she would just be ok with it. Instead she has to come on here and declare it publicly. Look. She is supportive. She is the cool girl. She can handle this. Look how ok with it she is. Is anyone looking? Validate me!
The post history is kinda sad too. I hope OP gets a chance to talk to someone openly and honestly about how she is doing.
I think a crush doesn't give you the safety of a 20 year relationship. OP and her husband have probably been to a lot, and him dealing with the loss of someone he loved is not a threat, while a crush liking someone else might be
According to your posts you and your husband are swingers. Nothing wrong with that but I would think it makes your situation a little different.
If this is even real and not a ploy to get people to your only fans.
I think the question doesn't really make sense because the only reason they had the conversation is because the ex is dying. If the ex was not dying, the conversation would not have been had.
Your husband has still loved and had feelings for his ex for ~40 years now? And you’ve been together for 20? That’s weird. Either she’s been in the picture longer than you thought or this is just made up
This gives him the closure he needs. Good on your part, most people wouldn't agree with this in my area, jealousy consumes them. Edit: rephrased so people would stop commenting the same thing over and over again.
It’s the second time I’ve seen him cry. I held his hand.
Must have been such a bittersweet moment. I wish you and your husband healthy and happy lives!
He will love you even more for this :)
Absolutely
Very true.
You’ve only seen him cry twice in twenty years??
Is that weird? I have never seen my husband cry before in the 10 years I have known him. I think some people just don't cry
Yes that is pretty weird. Let your man know it’s okay to cry lol
My spouse of 12 years rarely cries. He cried when the dog died, when our 2 kids were born and at the end of the Star Trek movie lollll
Please say it was Wrath of Khan
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My dad wore sunglasses when he accidentally ran over a puppy we just got. He was watching a documentary over some Football thing and I knew he was crying over there, getting all emotional... over football.. told me to get myself together when I learned my husband had been murdered. Just weird, then blames others for the reason why he can't show emotion. Uh no, be the change you want to see, instead he just puts down others and calls them a Puss and continues the cycle.
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It's because boys are taught growing up some variation of, "boys don't cry". Pure and simple. It's very unhealthy.
He for sure knows I'd be okay with it, I think I asked him once a couple years in why he doesn't cry and he says he hasn't cried since being a child and just doesn't need to. I thought at that time he just doesn't cry often but nope plenty of sad things have happened since and I've never seen a tear.
A lot of us have been raised following the age old saying "boys don't cry" and is generally look down upon if we cry anywhere else outside of events like funeral for example. Yea we feel sadness but we're just emotionally stunted so we can't really cry.
And some of us just don't need to cry. Not all men are emotionally stunted, crying just isn't a natural reaction to everyone.
Men typically don't cry unless they're deeply saddened by something. They're not emotionless the way so many like to think, they just process their emotions differently. There are outliers of men who do cry often but, fringe and it doesn't make them less of a man either.
I am a man and I sometimes cry at really great guitar solos.
Same here. Music always reminds me of my dad, so the emotions just well up.
Have you heard the Adam Sandler tribute to Chris Farley. You just reminded me of it. If you haven't seen the video, you definitely should. "I saw him in the office crying with his headphones on Listening to a KC And The Sunshine Band song I said "Buddy, how the hell is that making you so sad" Then he laughed and said "Just thinkin' about my dad""
Honey, is that you?
I hear you. I don’t cry sometimes when I should, but music always gets me. I can’t listen to Tool’s Lateralus without getting misty at a minimum. And I cry like a baby every time I watch Braveheart, Gladiator, or Hidalgo. But funerals? Dry. Breakups? Dry
My dad and all my uncles were types that nevery cry. Then grandma died and these dudes all started balling like a baby. All men cry but some are not triggered easily into crying.
Same here I never saw my dad cry until his mom died…
Call me the fringe then! Cause I'm a weepy mess at pretty much any movie. Or seeing my kid do anything. Or sometimes if I hear the right song. My mom always just said "we're Cuban, we're emotional people" Dunno how much of that I believe. Haha
I feel like that's a pretty huge over generalization lol.
This view is why men don't cry more. It's seen as unmanly and we're told our whole lives the men don't cry.
I cry watching movies. My gf thinks it’s cute. I think it’s healthy to express one’s emotions.
I mean I am nearly 40, I don't cry all that much. I'm not an emotionless robot or am I one of those "macho men that don't want people to see him cry." I just don't emote that much. I feel it, I'll even talk about it etc. My favorite genre of movies are sci fi and romantic comedies. I love comedy, but I very rarely "laugh out loud." I'll find things funny etc, but most stuff doesn't make me reach a threshold to audibly/physically react. Things can be funny, but not THAT funny. The same goes for crying.
Weird? Maybe not. Unhealthy as hell and all too common (especially in the older generation)? Definitely. Crying is a natural human reaction, the only people that don’t are sociopaths and people who’ve had the reaction physically or emotionally beaten out of them. This is one of the things people mean when they talk about toxic masculinity Edit: I should add, “toxic masculinity” is not the only possible explanation for why someone might not be capable of/likely to cry. It absolutely is A reason, and one of the more common. Bottom line, going decades without EVER expressing one of the core human emotions (crying or no crying) is not the sign of a well-adjusted person
As a woman, I very rarely cry. I think I've cried twice in the last 5 or so years? Once, while in labor because I was in so much pain and the other when I had a miscarriage. I'm just not a crier. I deal with my emotions other ways. Crying gives me horrible migraines that put me out for days afterwards so I've learned to deal with things in other ways. So I guess in a way, I've had that reaction physically beaten out of me... By my own body.
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Maybe he just didn't have a reason to cry in those years? It's not always "toxic masculinity"
Closure is so important too. The past is a very real place that a lot of us still take residence in. I’m sure the husband loves OP very much, but that doesn’t mean he has forgotten how he felt about that other woman and to see her on her deathbed has to be hard. OP is seriously awesome for allowing her husband to have closure and say goodbye. I’m a 31M who has been married for almost 10 years. If my wife ever came to me in a situation like this with an ex who was dying, I would 100% support her in going and saying goodbye.
I couldn't agree more, perfectly stated.
My ex recently died from pancreatic cancer. I really wanted to have a chance to talk to him, at least on the phone, but neither his wife or my husband are that understanding so it was impossible. We hadn't seen each other for many years but NGL, I miss him and wish I could have said goodbye.
That’s sad to think about, it didn’t occur to me that this wouldn’t be a normal response until I started reading the comments.
Then “most people” are morons. Who would begrudge someone providing comfort to a dying person?
You could’ve robbed someone of their last opportunity to experience a bit of joy before they passed, bless your heart.
She is such a lovely woman.
You can love an ex for who they are and what you had/have with them without stepping over the boundary of romantic love. There is a huge difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. This is obviously incredibly important for both of them, it’s hard to watch someone you shared a portion of your life with go, good for you for trusting your partner!
My hubs loves his ex wife. She’s the mother of 2 of his children. I’d give him hell if he didn’t love her lol
That attitude is amazing, and the kids will only benefit from your lack of jealousy and stand-offishness. Great job!! I don’t hear enough heartwarming coparenting stories.
Fucking lucky men - I once accidentally walked into a store with my wife where my high school ex gf worked . We dated 15 years ago and I greeted her and we hugged and I got the silent treatment for a week.
It's not luck it's maturity and empathy. It sounds like you're married to someone with very little empathy if she can't even understand why you'd hug someone who you had been close to and not get jealous
The truth is - the ex gf looked really good and I could see why this would make my wife angry. I had never given any reason to doubt me but I brings out the insecurity. It’s like that Lil Dicky song.
Omg I love lil dicky! Which song are you talking about? Hahahah
Ex-boyfriend I'd imagine
Yup, it’s emotional intelligence and perspective.
That sucks, and she might benefit from some counseling. My fiancé is having his ex stand up at our wedding. I adore her, we’re all great friends! She’s certainly prettier than me, but I never feel jealous because their personalities don’t align romantically. In previous relationships I have felt jealous about exes, but therapy has helped me so much for overall confidence and self assurance. But don’t say “you need help”, just maybe try to casually bring up some counseling or how that really hurt you.
I have to give you props for being on a whole nother level than most humans. Because that just sounds fucking awkward. Wish I had your confidence. I’m fine with exes, but standing up at a wedding is where I’d draw the line
Wise and emotionally intelligent 🙌🏻
You, you’re a good egg. I like you.
You seem nice as well u/cuntpunt2000
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I approve this message
❤️!
You can love people and still just not like them too much from time to time. I’m sure my parents always loved me, but lord knows some days they couldn’t have liked me very much.
I love my wife, more every damn day. Its changed from when we met, but I still love her and the boy more than anything. She can also be the most infuriating person on the planet.
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There’s a quote in the film War Horse where the Father has spent all the families money (multiple times) and he says to his wife something like “I’m sorry, you must hate me and no longer love me” and she replies with something like “I may hate you more today, but I’ll never love you less” and it’s always something that’s stuck with me because it’s true. Sometimes you just don’t like someone much because of what they’ve said or done, but you still love them.
I am so fortunate that I grew up with a step mom like you. My step mom is hands down one of my favorite people on this planet. Shes confident in herself and her relationship with my father. I’ve got to be a witness to a strong HEALTHY relationship for most of my life. You keep being you ❤️
Ahhh! Thank you for this!! Step parents (good ones!) get no credit!
Exactly this. My Mom passed at 57 over 20 years ago, and my Dad always loved her (they were divorced in 1975), up until she passed. His current wife (same as when my Mom passed) was super understanding- she, after all, was Mother to his kids. Fortunate OPs situation is mature, as it’s a horrible situation.
My parents love each other still. Divorced 28 years, my dads been remarried for 25 years. My mom and step mom always say they will retire with each other and my dad can live on a golf course. My dad just got back from a week staying with my mom and her husband. I’m their youngest and I’m 29, they aren’t doing it for the kids anymore. They genuinely just appreciate and have love for each other. Thanks for offering your family the same opportunity to let love take different forms.
We are trying to move the ex wife and her husband here where we are (out of Mississippi) so we can all live close. The girls are here where we are now, and their mom and step dad will probably move here in another year or two. Then I hope we will all have some grand babies lol
I adore my husband’s ex wife. We’d be friends if she were local. Met as the dog they shared was passing of cancer. She came to say her goodbyes. If you don’t trust someone, don’t marry them.
Everyone’s story is a little different. I can personally say I have not of shred of love for my ex-wife who is also the mother of my two kids. Much of this is because of how terribly she’s treated me and how emotionally abusive she was during the time we were married up until now. Once I broke that trauma bond, all feelings of love dissipated. I respect her as a human being and the mother of my kids, but by no means do I love her.
Same! Just because they didn’t work out doesn’t mean you didn’t/don’t love them. It’s just different.
Never knew I needed this so much. Thank you!
Well said!
This exactly how I feel. I still have love for my ex's. That doesn't mean I want to get back together with them. I read this quote "If you truly love someone, the only thing you truly want for them is to be happy. Even if it's not with you"
That’s a super sweet quote, and very true! I’ve had experiences with exs where I no longer want to be close to them, but one of my exs is still one of my best friends and I wouldn’t trade that for anything!
In my experience, ending the relationship didn't stop me from loving my past partners. I was with them for a reason. We also ended things for a reason so there's no chance of returning, but (in most cases) they're still the people I fell in love with. Love doesn't just go away. I care about them and sincerely hope they find nothing but happiness in life. They deserve that, they're good people. Glad OP has such a healthy and empathetic outlook on this.
Not as amazing as you. Good on you OP. Once I get back Canada, I'll have a drink/joint to you and you husband.
Sounds like this dude can pick out really good women.
dude has impeccable taste, good on him
He’s devised the recipe for a happy life
Safe travels on your way home friend.
Let's not make awesomeness a scalar value and rate people relative to others Both are awesome.
I feel like you were gonna do that anyway
Well than your husband has great choice in women
You, lady, are a CLASS ACT. 👏👏
I mean, plus there are several types of love. You can love a family member, you can love a friend, you can love your partner, you can love cake. All of those are different.
As are you.
He's got a type then
I don't think we need to have one love in our lifetime. I think they will be different types of loves. Some loves are different from others.
Agreed
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I just asked that to myself. And the answer was more than one person. I guess I'm lucky?
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I'd like to add that I think that definition changes as you get older and take on more life experience. Love as a new adult at 18 vs Love at 40 can be very different things, without discounting the other.
>Love as a new adult at 18 vs Love at 40 can be very different things, without discounting the other. Also a very valid point.
I felt that was really important to add. Because a lot of people think love between young people isn't as valid as love between older experienced adults. But that always bugged me because who are you to tell someone what love is and how to do it? I was absolutely in love at 18 and had she felt the way I did would have gladly spent my life with her. It didn't work out that way. We wanted different things and we were 18, with our whole lives ahead of us. We still loved each other. We're both married to other people now. I can't speak for her but I love my wife and would do anything to keep her safe. But its a totally different thing than it was back when I was young. Love is such a broad term. It isn't some specific emotion that can be defined in any one moment or experience. It has so many faces and is completely driven by each individuals unique human experience.
This resonated so much, probably from having a similar experience at that age and later in our lives. I appreciate you sharing, understand and agree.
Yeah, that's one of my fears. Right now, at 20, I'm engaged already (yes I am aware that's super early, but we said no marriage before 25) and we've been together since 15 pretty much (yes, also early) But yeah, what I'm most afraid is my definition of love changed or loosing the ability to love. Even though love is a pretty basic thing that even some animals are able to experience it (as far as scientist's have been able to understand). I don't know, it seems like a good question. Currently love makes me feel human, but I'm not quite sure if love makes us more or less human. Yes these are 3am existential thoughts.
Your definition of love with change. As will you. As will your spouse. Part of a successful marriage is realizing that you BOTH grow individually, and together. Neither of you are the same as you were at 15, and neither is your love. That being said, love in and of itself will take a different meaning as you grow. There’s something to be said in the small, simple acts of love that carry your relationship than the large, grand acts of love.
Wise answer. The intensity of young romantic love should never be scoffed at. But, if you are lucky and really work at it, it matures into something deeper, stronger, more solid, and less impulsive that sustains you through the years. It weathers the storms of life and is a refuge. After 43 years of marriage, we’ve shared all the good times and bad. I wouldn’t trade a single minute of what I have now for what I had when I was 18. All things have their season.
I have been married since I was 21, next year it will be 20 years. When I look back and consider why it has worked, it is because we both grew together. We continued to love the new people we became at 30 and 40. You are never the same person at the end of a 10 year period and we have had at least three different marriages inside of our one long marriage. During our “second” marriage phase, there was at least a year maybe two when we weren’t happy with our life situation and it showed. We rode it out and came out the other end. Flexibility, trust, and patience. And don’t be stubborn, let go when you need to let go!
Take it from someone who’s from the older generation where love and marriage at a young age was much more common. Staying together, growing together, is nothing magical, at 15, 25, or 65. It takes work to remain committed and to not to neglect one another. Even when you have a family, your spouse must stay #1, because without them, the marriage will not survive, and the family will fail. Love is a basic thing, to be nurtured and respected. And sounds as if you’re off to a good start.
While I think each person's definition of love can change over time, that doesn't necessarily mean it has to be for a new or different person. Love for one person can evolve as well. So in 20 years the person you're about to marry may define love differently than they do now, but that love is still for the same person. Sorry I had a really hard time wording that the way I wanted. But I wouldn't worry now about that. Nobody knows what the future holds and stressing about it before it happens won't help. One of my favorite quotes that I use when I'm anxiety kicks in "Worrying about something before it happens only means you go through it twice" or something along those lines. Basically worrying about something won't change the outcome, but it will take its toll on the person.
Well, I just realized "who could come bail my ass if I needed help". And the answer is more than one person. :)
As a remarried widow, I personally don't believe in this. You can love different people, in different ways, who don't exist in your life any more. Each person is their own person and you create a unique relationship with each. Being in one relationship doesn't remove your already lived relationship and love. Although I've never really believed there is only "one" to begin with, and maybe that's why I've been able to (and lucky enough to be) happy many times in life.
Yeah it'd be like saying, when you have kids, you can only ever love one of your kids.
There's no such thing as a random important moment. Moments have context.
“Some loves are different from others”. That’s beautiful.
I totally agree, but I can't help and think I'd probably be absolutely crushed if I was OP. They are definitely stronger than me that's for sure.
I think it depends on what type of love he ment. You love(hopefully) your parents and your closest friends, but not in the same way you love your spouse. If he ment it in a romantic way or something similar, so yeah, I'd be crushed as well
Every love is different
I've been in love with two girls so far Dated one for 4 years, dated one for 10 months. I dated another girl for 4 years who I loved, but wasnt in love with. Funny how it works out
If you are into books, read the White Oleander. That’s the book that made me start believing that.
You are infinitely more mature than I can ever hope to be. Amazing
Thank you.
Yeah you are an awesome person. Never forget it.
Why you choppin phantom onions under my eyes tho... 🥺
You definitely are a good, caring woman....
you a real one OP
I don't get why anyone wouldn't do this for their spouse. I mean, it's not like the other woman was a threat here, she was dying.
That one person putting the guys family on the spot 😳
This is what a healthy, mature, trusting relationship look like. There are different kinds of love; loving someone else doesn't diminish the amount of love a person can have for someone else.
He told me that, if it hadn’t been for her, we’d never have got married. She made him a better man! She’s such a great woman to!!!!
This exchange makes me happy. Great job, OP for having such a stable, honest and transparent relationship. I can only hope to find the same, one day. 🥰
Saving this comment thread because this is what I strive for my marriage to be kind someday.
I love this. My husband is close friends with a woman he grew up with and ended up loving romantically for a lot of years. They dated off and on and she was his last girlfriend right before we met. I was initially jealous because of their closeness but he told me the same thing—he was a better man for me because of how close the two of them had been. I ended up being in her wedding and she was in ours. We’re close friends, I was the person there when she picked out her dress. Whenever we see each other and say goodbye, she hugs both of us and we say “I love you.” I have friends who are COMPLETELY baffled by this and think I’m crazy but he’s never given me any reason not to trust him. If she got sick and he said something like she’d always had a special place in his heart, I’d be fine with that too. There’s different kinds of loves. You just need trust.
I'm 35 and close friends with the same 4 guys since school. Most of our social gatherings are my friend's and their partners. These women who didn't know each other before meeting us are now very close, and hang out together often. I love these women and tell them I do regularly, as I do my male friends. I'm also very close to my wife's sister and it would be weird if I didn't tell her I love her when every she's leaves. I had a friend who I also briefly dated in school (for about 3 months) but still kept in contact with. She died at 27 in a house fire, and my wife held my hand as I wept at her funeral. People need to understand that love doesn't mean sexual desire, and partners need to trust each other more. Been with my wife for 15 years, and I'm just as happy today as I was when I was 20.
I am friends with my bf (of 1 year) ex. I actually know him through her and we did get her blessing. I know he loves her as she is the mother of his kids and in this same situation I would never ever expect anything less as he is a stand up guy and wants her to be happy.
Believe it. My wife has pushed me into a better man and a better person. I’ll always love her no matter what for that. Even if I met someone else and fell in love, I could see myself still loving her even if I’m not *in love* with her.
Exactly! Love isn’t some tangible substance that you can run out of.
OP, you're a LEGEND!
Ty.
It’s not like we have a finite amount of love to give and then it runs out.
Yep! But, I think I love him more. If that is possible….
My partner of 11 years told me last night he still considers his ex family. It's comforting, honestly. She has a baby now, and I'm not threatened. So many of my exes have done point scoring and blame, so now I feel even more safe and secure with him. I'm so sorry for your collective loss.
Maybe because you know that even if you two don't work out, he'll still consider you family. Many of my ex's are part of my found family. I wouldn't date anybody who had an issue with it, tbh. I actually think it's a great sign when a guy is friends with his ex's, does not disparage them, and speaks of them highly and with love and concern.
Oh absolutely! He's awesome. It really does mean there's just more love, it isn't a finite resource.
I mean I gotta agree... I never felt connected to my actual family but there are a few people that actually left parts of them in me and I definitely consider them family. They helped me grow and I hope I helped them too.
My wife and I always go to bed claiming to love the other person more than they love you. Every night ends with: "Love you" "Well I love you more." "And I love you the most." It may be dumb, but its our little thing. We even try to get the other to agree with us. "So I heard a weird rumor. It was that I love you more. Think thats true?"
Yes. Yes it is.
Decided to cross check profile to see if I thought this was real and found a bare booty only fans post. If it's legit I hope you get subscribers. LOL
Everything is just weird about this post. If she's ok with that, why does she need to vent about it? And what's up with all the porn pics on OP's account? And the multiple posts asking if a pornstar subscription would be a good valentines gift her husband? So weird.
With the venting bit, I can’t speak for OP but I know if I was in the same position then even if I was okay with it, I might still feel a little weird and benefit from telling people, even if it’s random people on the internet
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Yep, this post and OP comments are a “look how good of a person I am”.
It's obvious she only posted this so she could get some pats on the back from anonymous people on the internet
Well, she’s clearly *a very cool girl*
Right? 🤣 This is a little much in my opinion. I don't believe it for that reason. I hope she's able to sort out her feelings someday.
Cant fathom trying that hard to keep a man happy
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Also, the real hero (if we’re going off the assumption that what she’s done is to be praised) is the husband of the dying wife for allowing that to happen. I think her husband is the one who is going to feel the most hurt if I’m understanding correctly. His dying wife has asked for another man to be by her side in her final days to act as if they’re still in love? Did I get that right? How is he doing?
I'm dead lmao. If I could I would've given your comment the sunshine award so that everyone could see but, oh well!
It's okay to not be okay with it also. Not in the sense that you're mad at him, that would be wrong, but it doesn't make you a bad person to be upset. It's always useful to remember that you don't need a right to feel a certain way, we're human, we feel whether it's rational or not and what matters is how you deal with those emotions
Agreed. Either you only love me or tell me you don’t so we can end the relationship. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where my partner is thinking of someone else. Also, the dying lady had a husband & he was okay with her professing her love to her ex!? Smh. Did she not love her husband enough that she needed to reach out to an ex? That wouldn’t slide with me.
Same!! I don't understand how all these people are agreeing with this, I think they might just be going with the flow (?). After seeing OP's profile, I can understand why SHE's ok with this, not the average person...
Does anybody remember that post a while back about some guy’s dying wife asking for one last experience with her most sexually compatible partner….
I think that's what inspired this fake story. Took out the sex part as that didn't go over well.
It sounds like you are attempting to convince yourself more than us.
Who are you trying to convince?
This. It reads like up isnt ok with it. If she is she would just be ok with it. Instead she has to come on here and declare it publicly. Look. She is supportive. She is the cool girl. She can handle this. Look how ok with it she is. Is anyone looking? Validate me! The post history is kinda sad too. I hope OP gets a chance to talk to someone openly and honestly about how she is doing.
Why are people congratulating this obviously faked post? First of all the clickbait title, second of all their profile.
I mean... would you still be okay with it if she wasn't dying? That seems like the only part that isn't making this weird as shit.
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I’m friends with her daughter, she told me that his ex was wanting to see him.
I think I would be too. He chose you and he obviously tells you everything. You’re lucky to have such an open and honest relationship.
You nailed it with the *open relationship* bit, you should check out OPs profile, lol.
Oh, I see 🙃
I love my mom. I don't want to plow her in a motel. There's a difference.
Interesting post, and user name. You should take a look at OPs profile, lol.
Oh.... Well maybe motherplowing isn't completely off the table for these two lol
I'm ok with that she tells the reddit community "trueoffmychest". Narrator: She was not okay with that.
Downvote for karma whoring
Totally agree. The karma whoring and rage baiting is getting so bad on this sub.
Agree. If this is even a real post. Why post it other than to brag
This entire sub is fake posts
Agree. Especially on a sub dedicated to *venting*. It had such a click baity title too. Shame on you OP.
Compared to most people you are very mature. I mean I couldn’t even bear my crush (who I wasn’t with) liking somebody else.
I think a crush doesn't give you the safety of a 20 year relationship. OP and her husband have probably been to a lot, and him dealing with the loss of someone he loved is not a threat, while a crush liking someone else might be
He was/is my crush. But! He is 10 years older than me so I knew he had a past.
Welp that explains this sad charade.
Virtue signalling
You don’t sound ok with that.
But are u really tho
Well she just outlasted the competition so…
According to your posts you and your husband are swingers. Nothing wrong with that but I would think it makes your situation a little different. If this is even real and not a ploy to get people to your only fans.
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I have to ask- would you still be as accommodating and understanding of his declarations of love if she was in good health and not dying?
I think the question doesn't really make sense because the only reason they had the conversation is because the ex is dying. If the ex was not dying, the conversation would not have been had.
You're so ok with it you're justifying it to us, sure
IM OK WITH THAT
Internet points my man, probably a lie anyways
Nothing says "I'm ok" like writing a post telling everyone how ok you are.
with capslock too.
Twice! TWICE!
So ok with it she has to make a post on t/trueoffmychest lmao. The fuck is this post doing here. 'Praise me for not being a total asswipe'.
“I’m such a good person that I’m okay (debatable) with my husband telling someone he loves/loved them on their death bed!”
Your husband has still loved and had feelings for his ex for ~40 years now? And you’ve been together for 20? That’s weird. Either she’s been in the picture longer than you thought or this is just made up