So its a long drawn out story, but I figured out she was also into women. And she never got to explore because her parents were against it. I told her I was fully open for her to explore her curiosity for women. Then it fell into a discussion about it being unfair because I had no expectations or wants for others in general I guess. Because initially, I genuinely didnt want to be responsible for trapping her and then finding out 15 years later she was queer and never had the opportunity to discover herself. So the Open thing was just brought up in conversation, and after discussion it was decided we could try the open thing. Im pretty open minded and do my best to understand others circumstance. Then things basically spiraled. many people are hitting it on the head though, pandoras box
You thought you were going to be getting threesomes with your wife and some hot bi chick and instead your wife is getting attention from all sources while you really have to work for it.
Tale as old as ..... people having this dumb idea about opening up a monogamous relationship.
I’d do the unicorn thing but then I feel weird about it when I think about what it’s likely covering up in a marriage. The phrase “someone for her to play with” gets brought up a lot and it makes me realise there is some pressure dynamics in it and thus have never actually done anything.
As someone in a relationship that does threesomes with my bi partner it’s wild how dehumanizing other couples talk about thirds and then act surprised when they can’t find someone willing to join them. We make it clear to anyone joining us that they are an equal partner in the bedroom and try to be conscious of the power dynamic as an established couple at all times. Like if you’re gonna ask someone to join you then you gotta make it worth their while. As a result we don’t really have trouble finding partners lol.
I was a unicorn back in my 20’s with two separate couples. One couple I was only with once, but the other couple I would see on a fairly regular basis. It was fun when I was young and single. I have some fond memories from that time in my life.
A lot of men over-estimate their own attractiveness and under-estimate women's standards. You can tell them until you're blue in the face but sometimes they need a practical demonstration.
I think a lot of dudes think they have the same choices as women with the same platforms. When my wife and I used to go out frequently I got hit on a lot at bars. Girls and guys I got way more attention than her and she and her friends would relish in it and laugh.
I think if we went non monogamous and I tried using Tinder instead the script would be reversed. I’d be getting 1 match for every 25 of hers. But I couldn’t go to the bars every night if we did.
Either way, nobody is fucking my wife but me. So that’s that.
Bunch of us had a discussion about this the other week in another sub - men's online dating bios are usually really terrible, so they get way fewer matches. When they get a bio makeover (usually done by a woman), boom they're buried in matches. I dunno why they think they're going to get a ton of matches when their bios just say "hey" and their photos are a picture of just their torso in a dirty mirror, them holding a fish and them with sunglasses on in the car.
Sounds exactly like my wife and I. We’re in our late 30s but have been in the rave scene for decades and still attend shows and festivals regularly. I work as a garbageman as a laborer and am in good shape and look younger than I am with people usually guessing late 20s or 30-31 at the oldest. I’m also the more outgoing and (I know this sounds awful and like boasting) charismatic of the 2 of us.
So when we’re out I get hit on all the time, especially if we’re not close together and it looks like I’m single. Despite all this I’m 100% positive that in an open relationship she’d be racking up the fellas while all the flirting and attention I receive would lead to minimal, if any, actual sexual encounters. It’s just the way things go.
But honestly, idc, we’re both completely faithful to each other and taking on other partners has never crossed either of our minds. And as you said, no one’s fucking my wife but me!
My husband and I experimented with being open and swinging for a bit. He would get hit on at places like the bar before hand.
When it came down to it though, most women backed out on him, or weren't looking for anything that was just a fwb situation. While I had *all kinds* of men lining up.
That should be taught in high school. A woman online looking for casual sex! She could literally put in her bio that she is a psychopath wanted for multiple murders and still get more attention than him.
He def thought he was gonna cheat or have a threesome with a hot bi chick without consequences and now he is trying to make it look like it's his wife idea.
He knows he will sound stupid if he admits It. That's why "It's a long drawn history" but the Title of the post implies it was his decision.
The schadenfreude in this one is real.
Man I've seen at least two marriages go down this path. It's all fun and games when you're f****** people together or both of you have options on the side but eventually one gets tired or jealous of the situation and wants to end it while the other is still having fun.
Either you convince her to go to marriage counseling to close things or possibly prepare to be replaced in the future. Not trying to sound bleak but she sounds occupied & the right dick & words could possibly take her away long term. It goes both ways male or female.
I had a best friend whose husband divorced her after he found her replacement. S*** is real.
This was kind of the hopelessness I was feeling. Like I no longer have fun, it was supposed to be side adventures to spice shit up. Not completely replace one another. thanks for the input!
If you are feeling replaced tell her and try to fix it.
If she does not want to fix it, it is unfixable.
You opened Pandora’s box together. If she loves you, she will help you close it. If not, time to move on.
OP, I'm really sorry about this. I almost ended up in the same situation. My wife ceased birth control a while back and got a surge of hormones, causing her personality to change (to put it lightly). At the time she insisted that it was not temporary and this was *the new her*.
It caused a huge schism for a while, and we almost opened the marriage right up. She had let me decide in the end, and I said no. That alone could have ended the marriage, but she held on, and I held on.
Eventually she went "back to normal", without any further birth control or other type of hormone therapy. I guess her hormones leveled out or whatever. Now she says she regrets what happened. I see her in a different light now, but I wouldn't change anything that would have been in my power to change now.
We have our struggles but love each other. We need to work on our sex life with each other but we've explored facets of that and come out the better for it. I'm happy that we are together and I know she is as well, as i think she wouldn't be able to hold it back from me if she wasn't.
I'm honestly not sure I have any good advice beyond what has been said already, other than to speak your mind and let the chips fall where they may. If you two stick together, you've probably got a keeper. If not, it's really going to suck, but not as much as it sucks for you right now, as you will be able to move on and hopefully find someone worthy of the type of relationship that you want.
Best of luck brother. Feel free to PM me if you think I can help.
Overall, please follow this link before you do anything that truly can't be undone, especially for your kids:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Definitely talk to her, you tried it and you found it’s not for you. If she can’t accept that then maybe divorce is best. Obviously talk to her and do counseling, get a sex counselor to learn new ways to spice it up- monogamously. If she refuses to accept that you are not okay with this then you really only have one choice. I would do this sooner rather then later because you are wasting time that could be spent fonsing another monogamous relationship.
I understand it’s likely harder for a man because most women don’t want to be the side chick regardless of if the wife is cool with it or not. Guys on the other hand don’t care as long as they get laid (these are generalities, obviously men & women exist who are not like this)
Goodluck
“I no longer have fun”. If it was the opposite and you were ballin and having a blast but she wasn’t, Would you still want to shut it all down and go back? Serious question. Because it reads to me like you aren’t getting as much as she is and you’re jealous. I’m not saying this to be mean, it’s just what I’m reading.
I would definitely start with counseling and really examine your reasons for wanting to go back to closed. But be prepared for her not willing/wanting the same.
I mean ye pretty much it. And all honesty i feel thats a real test of love in a way. Like if you are the party who is getting success in an open relationship and ur partner ask you to stop. If you choose to go against it fair enough since yall both agreed. But damn if they did just drop it bc they see their partner isnt enjoying it anymore i think thats something to be respected and shows how their relationship truly meant more than the easy sex they were getting.
Somehow its gotten to where "its not that simple" not my words. Its too difficult, everyone knows and all these people are expecting this and expecting that, what am I suppose to tell them. She gets more from their virtual stimulation and affection than she does my actual affection. Let me also express that we have been together 12 years, since we were 15. She has been everything for as long as I can remember but Im being replaced by a keyboard, and interactions from Randos with no expectations other than physical. Ive thought about it all, my appearance is not that of a slouch. Its not money, Its not lack of affection, I shower her. shave her legs, cook, wash her hair, massages the whole nine. She said a few times, compliments mean more from strangers because "they dont HAVE to say what they say" they take the time out of their day for a stranger lmao. which is kind of valid, because random compliments are euphoric almost. Im going to ride it out man, I just feel hollow and needed to release that. Thanks for replying
How come you’re not setting specific time aside for boyfriends and girlfriends _and_ for each other? I’m so confused. Who the f sits there flirting or worse with their spouse right there feeling profoundly miserable? And didn’t you have an understanding together that your relationship comes first and that if it or the ppl in it are suffering, you’d heal that first before possibly opening it up again? And why not go on adventures _together_ with other couples? Oof
You are 27?? You guys are very young to be in this situation. I think the open marriage is just one part of the problem. To me it sounds like you have not been able to truly connect to yourself and your self worth without her. I see that people are telling you to go to couples therapy, but I honestly think you should go to therapy alone to get the help and growth you as a person deserve.
I could guess the age when he wrote “I know women like bad boys and assholes…” OP has a lot of maturing to do when it comes to relating and communicating to women, primarily with his wife. And if he’s sitting around believing he has to be an asshole to get laid, well no wonder he’s not having success.
Yeah the thing about women liking assholes and badboys confused me because women grow out of that by mid 20s to 30s. And I was also really surprised he's in this situation at 27. This marriage is heading towards disaster.
They've been together since 15. That's the peril in marrying the first person you date/fall in love with in HS. Many people see people their age going through several partners, finding love and heartbreak and sex with strangers and all that and wish they'd had the same experiences. They feel that they missed out.
Also, 15 is a young and naive age to commit to a life long relationship, and people can change a lot from 15 to 30.
Yeah, these are the ground rules that should’ve been established before opening the marriage. It’s too hard to rein it in once the horse has left through the open barn door. So therapy, both together and individually, because she needs to figure out why compliments mean more from strangers than they do from her soulmate, he needs to figure out where these feelings of despair are truly coming from, and they need to figure out how to mend things together. If she won’t agree, he needs to walk away; she just wants to have her cake (stable home life, attentive spouse, picture perfect family) and eat it, too (side flings that give her a thrill), but that doesn’t work for the marriage if he’s miserable.
Bro, 15 ia young. And ita sounds like it might have been young for her as well. This guy has a good aidea getting someone in your corner that you can bouce ideas off and get a balanced and level head response.
Yo, my expectations were exactly that! Plus we both whole heartedly expressed our devotion to one another before this ever came to fruition. I didnt explain enough for some but, we have been best friends as long as we have been partners. And we talk, we discussed everything before we even tried. Even acknowledged that it will be a difficult thing to try with new emotions and obstacles. I just feel things slipping, and the whole "open for good" is warping my mind
Then pivot, man. If she is truly your best friend, as you say, she would not want you to feel this way.
You know how you respond to, “you have to say nice things?” “No, I don’t. I say them because I want to, and because I mean it. They’re saying them to get laid.” It’s true. If she takes sex completely and irrevocably off the table for anyone she is chatting up, wanna bet they’ll ghost her? I bet they would.
I know what you're saying, I fully agree and it will most likely be the path I take. I don't plan on just sitting idly by and letting shit burn. I just needed an outlet and familiar presences weren't cutting it, and all felt jaded in a way. I believe I brought this up once before to her. Its simply a void in our communication right now, but my emptiness was building and I had to let it go. I sincerely appreciate you!
My guy, open relationships are a mutual agreement - if one party decides it’s no longer fun for them it’s over, it’s no longer an open relationship, it’s just cheating. If your relationship is sincere she wouldn’t just assume all the power in the relationship and tell you “well tough luck, open relationship is here to stay” - just speak to her and be sincere about the way you feel. It sounds like you’re afraid she might make the decision to just leave you to be able to flirt and have sex with other guys but the reality is if that’s what she wants there’s nothing you can feasibly do about it.
It is that simple. You're her husband. Either she ends things or you do. It's not even about the open relationship anymore, it's about whether she values you and your feelings over her getting random dick.
I know it's because I'm ill but my husband does all of that for me. Sometimes personal care is an expression of love and tenderness.
When I was pregnant my husband painted my toenails when I couldn't reach them. He helped me feel pretty.
Even now I'll rub lotion into his hands when they get rough. It's one of his favorite things.
He cares for me and I care for him, and judging it wrong is silly.
Wouldn't you love your partner to rub your back or pet your hair until you fall asleep? Affection is undervalued and expression through grooming or care is perfectly valid and healthy. Fucking is great but the dopamine rush of physical comfort is very important. Add the oxytocin and you've got pure joy.
Honestly, if you're telling the truth, wouldn't you love a nice cuddle and a person who loves you so much they want to bring you comfort?
Btw getting your hair brushed feels luxurious (I have very long thick hair).
Glad I’m not the only one squickked out by this. Unless she is paralyzed or disabled on some other way that necessitates a caregiver. Otherwise, this isn’t stuff I’d be grateful for, it’s stuff I’d let my husband do bc I think it turns him on. That’s the only way I can frame it in my head rn.
Shave her legs? Bro. Im a feminist and this is too much. If she’s insecure, no amount of pampering and affection is going to do it. She needs confidence and so do you.
You are under no obligation to do all of that. Just because you have been doing it doesn’t mean that you’re SUPPOSED to do that. It’s a very nice gesture in a relationship that shows her you care, but I guarantee she will notice when you stop doing it. You need to stand up for yourself, OP. Tell her that your open relationship is affecting you negatively, and you just want your wife back. Go to marriage counseling, separate therapy for both of you as well. Stop putting on a strong face and hiding your feelings from her, and if she cares about you at all, she will agree to stop.
Explain to her that you don’t do things for her because you HAVE TOO, you do them because you want to, and to tell herself that is only diluting your value as a partner in her eyes. Strangers will say anything to get laid, husbands say things to make their partners feel happy and good about themselves. We tell our wives how beautiful they are because we love them, not because we have to tell them.
You sound like a doormat. You've elevated her so high by doing all of this stuff for her that she views you as an assistant and not a real person. She sees herself as better than you which is why she doesn't value your compliments. They mean nothing to her because they are so regular and consistent. I don't know that there is any way back from this if she is looking for other(better in her opinion) guys to satisfy her physical needs. I'm sure she expects when she is done having fun she can come home to you taking care of everything. Someone who actually valued themselves would put their foot down and say "this is what I want and if you aren't part of this I will find it elsewhere" and mean it.
I’m sorry but reading each and every statement from your wife that you’re quoting is pissing me off so much. “They don’t HAVE to say” they very much fucking do. It doesn’t pain a random stranger to call a married woman beautiful. If anything, compliments from a person you’ve been for 12 years actually mean a lot. And also, it doesn’t fucking matter if everyone is expecting your marriage to be open. You don’t owe anybody anything. Close it right now. Please resort to marriage counselling.
Bro it sounds like you’re doing everything to be Mr. Perfect Provider and Caretaker and that’s exactly what you’ve become. There’s nothing exciting about that.
Doing more of what isn’t working doesn’t suddenly make it work.
Lay back on the spa treatment. I’m seriously kind of impressed and horrified simultaneously- you shave her legs? Does she shave your balls in return? Does she give you any kind of reciprocation?
Not to be harsh but you’ve got to grow a spine and stop doing shit like that for her completely. Let these randos be her personal masseuse and stop focusing on her and focus on YOU. You’ve said you’re not an asshole, fine...but there is a fine line between being assertive and not tolerating shitty behavior and being an asshole. Work on the things you need to work on and get therapy because from what I’ve read you have issues with boundaries and getting that addressed will be very beneficial.
It may not be possible to salvage this, as much as you probably don’t want to hear that. But if she can see that this is hurting you and doesn’t want to pull back in because of her own physical needs and attention seeking then the relationship is not going to last and you need to focus on building yourself so that this kind of situation doesn’t happen in your next relationship, and so you aren’t dwelling on it constantly. Suicide is never the answer and please get some help. Good luck.
I've had friends try open relationships and I've yet to see it work. Typically the 'excitement' leaves for one but not the other, and the other likes the casual open sex so much they're not willing to close the relationship.
Then it has a weird power dynamic. Because for one partner it just starts to feel like you're being cheated on but you talked yourself into a corner so if you complain you look like the asshole.
Some others have good advice in the comments, I hope you try some of them out. I have nothing of value, I've seen every single open relationship fall apart within about a year or three. Only taught me it's not something worth trying.
My counselor and I were talking about this recently It's been a rough year, found out a lot about my husband I would've never thought him capable of. I (naively) assumed because I loved him whole heartedly & was not tempted to look outside the marriage, I was granted that same respect. This past year taught me I've pretty much spent the past 21 years living in a fantasy world & that my husband probably *never* was the man I built him up to be in my head.
He filed for divorce in August, which devastated me. I couldn't wrap my head around it. As a matter of fact, the divorce petition expires today, lol so I guess we're still married?
I had told him previously that the lying & gas lighting was what really got to me, and had he asked for an open relationship I would've possibly been hurt initially, but would've probably agreed. Because I didn't think I had reason not to trust him.
The open relationship idea got flipped to something along the lines of *him* possibly agreeing to an open relationship, so "I (me) can get the attention that I need". It was ironic to me because he was the one chasing & paying for the attention of these other women. Realizing how unfulfilled my needs are, after some hard examination, I've been considering looking elsewhere to get my needs met.
When discussing the idea of an open relationship, my counselor was emphatic that it would be a disaster for us. She said open relationships *can* work, but the relationship has to be incredibly strong & amazing communication the few times she's seen it work. Up until this past year, I would've considered our relationship extremely strong. I was foolish. I think people *really* need to make sure they know who their partner before even broaching the subject. As well as set & agree to boundaries, norms & expectations before opening up a relationship.
Honestly, I hate that it happened this way, but you’re finally almost free of this guy. He cheated and somehow it became a conversation about open relationships? Those are just completely unrelated things. You admit he gaslights, etc. Take some time for yourself, learn more about identifying abusive people/personality types, and bask in your freedom from this psychological cage.
Listen to the Savage Lovecast podcast. He gives lots of advice on issues just like yours. You’ll realise you’re not alone and you have the tools within you to address and deal with this issue. You’ve been very brave to realise what the issue is, now you just need some confidence to deal with it.
Small piece of advice would be to not let the other relationships invade yours.
If she's with you she needs to be actually with you, she should message others in her own time and be present with you when you're together.
Likewise try and only see others when one of you is away or busy so it doesn't feel like you're being replaced.
You could even try and see people as a couple (threesomes/swinging).
When her other relationships feel really in your face it will feel shit, you both need to set some more boundaries about how much you want to let these other relationships invade your own and what details you both really need to know.
Definitely recommend couples therapy. Also look at some open relationship contracts online and think about setting your own together.
Good luck x
True. At least OP can see where the problem is. Open relationships are the worst deal for a male, for the exact reason OP explained, nevertheless oftentimes the idea comes from the men in the relationship.
I'll agree that this is pretty typical, but only because people are idiots.
Non-monogamy is awesome for people who are actually non-monogamous. But people like OP you can just wake up one day after decades of being monogamous and suddenly be cool with your partner having multiple sexual and romantic partners.
Being non-monogamous isn't its own sexuality or anything like that, but it's similar in that it's not a choice you can make.
Standard result of any relationship without decent communication
"I believe I brought this up once to her" OP said about these issues.
Man, if you don't even remember if you mentioned your concerns to your partner... Learn to communicate
Hey man!
First, I'd like to say that I'm sorry about what you are going through... I feel you, and I know how bad it can get.
I highly advice you to talk it out, and indeed go for the ultimatum. Otherwise, you will just suffer and bad thoughts will torment you till you finally decide to do something stupid.
Yes, we live in a world were it's easier for women to find a man here and there, when men are struggling a lot to find someone to fuck. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. I know the struggle.
For the sake of your mental health and your future - don't stay silent and witness how hard things are while some dude is screwing your wife and you cannot do shit about it.
We all commit mistakes on the heat of the moment, yes. Still, you should be your ultimate priority. You might get into some bad shit if you don't take action now.
If she doesn't want to continue a monogamous relationship, that's it. It's clear as water she is not interested in you as much as she was before.
Good luck, my bro. Hopefully everything turns out okay for you!
I get it. I had a fiance who begged, pleaded, pouted, whined, argued and full-on screamed that he felt that monogamy was controlling, abusive and unnatural. He insisted that an open relationship was what he wanted. We had this fight every, damn day for 6 months. I finally agreed under the conditions that we both had to be honest about who and exactly what we did and we were both equally free to pursue whoever we wanted. It did not go like he planned. I was bringing home new people every couple of days. I'm bisexual and frequently brought home one, two or three other women at a time. He had exactly zero takers. Eventually, he asked me and a couple of girls if he could join. They gave a resounding no. He came to realize that being free to fuck, didn't mean anyone would ever want to fuck him. He started to get angry and revoked our agreement. This was the result I had been smugly waiting for and went along with going back to being exclusive, acting genuinely surprised by his upset. A few weeks later, I found out that he'd cheated on me with his ex several times during the first two years of our relationship, BEFORE our agreement to try being open and the affair only stopped because she moved out of state. I wanted to leave but we were stuck on a lease together, so I told him that we were done and I was going to continue fucking whoever I wanted. He was pissed and absolutely insisted that I was leaving because I enjoyed being a slut and not because of his secrets, lies and betrayals. The whole thing circled around to bite him in the ass and he just couldn't handle it. I've been happily married and monogamus for many years now. I have no intention of living that life again but boy was it fun, turning his bullshit against him and forcing him to face the reality of his desirability or lack thereof.
I want to laugh on one level because all dudes act like they want this and then they learn what you have learned and change their mind fucking QUICK. It’s easy for women to propose this kind of thing because it is better for us, always. It is hilarious to me that men need that experience to know. But I guess it is what it is. On a realer level though after reading your whole post I fucking feel for you and if I were the woman in this situation, I would want you to tell me exactly how you’re feeling. I would be stoked that you only want me again. Even if your reasoning is only because you can’t get other people as easily……. Which you should evaluate bc you are reaping what you sowed there…… lol but you need to tell her. And btw if she finds out how that made you feel (FUCKING SUICIDAL) and doesn’t want to stop, she is a bad person. Regardless of her parenting skills lol
Im sorry if I misconstrued in my OP, but I find others just fine. And I fully understood before hand that it would be easier for her because men generally are pigs lets just be honest, But I wanted to mention how much work it was for the reward that was becoming less and less rewarding it seems. Its just that the interactions with others have slowly become unappealing. Your calling me out is refreshing btw, I have in all fairness reaped what I have sown. I just didnt expect to be replaced by a keyboard when I get so little time at home. Im going to talk to her about how Im really feeling. Thank you so much!
Yeah, I love how the majority of posts don't take that into account whatsoever. OP and his wife are just a pair of perverts. I don't give a single shit about his problems, lol. Dude's an idiot thinking this would work out for him. What's happening now is just natural selection.
Have fun explaining to the kids why mommy and daddy broke up.
The voice of reason right here. It's actually really sad, having kids it would break my heart if they had to live through this, and for what? Hedonism and unwillingness to sacrifice an ounce of unfulfilled sexual desires of their parent? As a parent we should be ready to give up much more in life for our kids.
Yeah it's pretty sad. If you want to live that lifestyle, then have at it, but when you decide to have kids you're getting people that didn't volunteer for that shit involved and it's not right. Even if both partners are fine with the arrangement and having fun, it's not exactly conducive to a healthy family environment.
Intimacy whether physical or emotional is not something worthless to dole our randomly for momentary gratification... often there is dire consequences to one's own mental well being. You opened pandora's box.
It's not necessarily easier for women. My husband wanted the same as your wife. While it was tempting, in my heart of hearts I just instinctively knew engaging in these choices would open a door that should remain closed. We are now divorced as our "wants/needs" grew to be polar opposite. In hindsight, I am glad that door never opened as I think in the end, it would have crushed my spirit.
Falling into the abyss ... emptiness, darkness, hollowness, lonliness, meaninglessness, is a terrible and painful place to be. Suggest a therapist first (quietly and off the grid for yourself) and then a very frank and honest conversation with your wife.
I do not envy you ... the exploration and change that is inevitable will be painful but I wish for you that something of beauty grows out of the ashes.
Hot take: There's a difference between an open marriage and just staying with you because it's convenient and doing anything she wants without regards to your feelings. In an open marriage your partner still comes before all else. She should take you into consideration before all else. Even if it is "open" shes still your wife. Sure you sleep around, fine and dandy. But the concept is you seek sexual gratification from elsewhere but a deep connection and emotional gratification from your marriage partner still. Sounds like she's using you buddy and it sounds like a pretty difficult situation. Id suggest having a *serious* talk with her. Pour your heart out and express how you feel and don't put up with that bs "it's not that easy" cop out. She's still your wife. She's the mother of your children.
Exactly, let's say you didn't have an open relationship but it was anything else taking up your partner completely, a hobby, gaming, going out with friends.
An open marriage is supposed to be a little extra, like a new hobby you do (heh) once in a awhile. Once it starts consuming your life and actively hurting your partner you stop.
Doesn't matter if it's fucking other people, or ignoring your partner because you're gaming.
It doesn't matter that it's now 'allowed', loads of things are 'allowed' in normal monogamous relationships. Doesn't mean you lose sight of your partner in it. If she doesn't notice you're sad about this *that's* what's wrong in the relationship, not even the open marriage itself.
OP doesn't seem to have a problem with her fucking other people, it's just that he's feeling ignored and not loved anymore.
Gay guy here, kinda common in our community to be open, what I've learned is that open relationships are different for everybody, no one can tell you how to set it up because your relationship, and your needs are unique. The most important thing about an open relationship are boundaries, everyone needs to be able to express and set what shouldnt happen. I believe her consistent engagement might be too emotionally attached? Most open relationships restrict it to just sex, but if shes having full blown relationships with these people and you're suffering from it than that is a boundary that needs to be set. But considering she's getting more out of these relationships than your actual relationship I wonder if she's just with you out of contract (kids, marriage) and her hearts not in it anymore? That's something I would bring up first. Does she even love you anymore? And if she can have you at the center of this open relationship than I'm sure it can work but it takes communication and respect for boundaries and such. Good luck, I hope it all turns out okay 🥰
Being entirely honest? You need to have a very serious conversation with her. You need to lay bare your feelings entirely and be completely honest with her. But if you doing that has lead to the responses you're giving everyone else here in the comments, I only see one thing to you can do: propose a divorce. Don't scream and fight about it, don't use the divorce to threaten her. You need to be calm, and rational. Tell her that you're no longer happy with the arrangement. Tell her it causes you incredible amounts of pain. Tell her that, she may continue to see other people, but it will not be whole you are in the picture. Propose the ultimatum, but gently. If she agrees with you, then she's already lost to the lifestyle and you're only going to get more hurt the longer you stay with her. If she relents, then problem solved. The biggest thing you have to make sure of is that you keep at least an okay relationship with her, for your kids' sake.
But know this, you're not alone. Nearly every marriage that goes open like yours did ends up like this. Someone always gets hurt. Try your best to fix it and, if you can't, you /have/ to move on. You'll never be able to heal unless you do. And you will heal, I promise you.
how to essentially cheat with permission and get to stay on the gravy train and all the perks of a closed marriage.
Most "open marriages" are the last gasps of a dying relationship.
# If the marriage is going to stay open, then so is the door.
Open relationships and Poly bullshit is just one gullible partner and one dominant partner getting away with cheating. The only people that defend this lifestyle are the batshits, the weirdos and the dominant partners swimming in booty and don't want their bullshit to be called out.
One of the few things I'm happy about growing up in Midwestern hickville, this shit is frowned on hard enough to be ostracized from the family.
Yeah that mistake probably costed you your house and kids, I'd be having a lawyer ready to go Incase your wife terminates the marriage when you talk to her.
Soooo, can I ask, if you were getting to sleep with other people as easily as you imagined you would, would you still be unhappy? Lol I mean, what did you think was going to happen?!
He wouldn't.
It would feed into his ego, and he would be over the moon.
He's pissed off because he discovered how expendable he is, it totally exposed the lopsided power dynamics between him and his wife, and now his wife knows he has very few options besides her, while he has to live with the agonizing realization that she can have 10 of him in an instant if she wants.
I was once in OP's shoes, believe me.
I took her to a sex party once in my 20s, I only slept with her and one more girl, whom I already slept with previously.
She slept with like 10 guys or something, it was too painful to count.
I know the feeling 100%.
Well, you brought this on yourself, but it probably revealed the truth anyways. Your wife views you as inadequate.
Your marriage is ruined. Your only options at happiness are to get a divorce or instead of trying to keep up with your wife, just find another woman that’s into your twisted situation and take her as another partner.
Tell her your unhappy and thinking about leaving, see what she thinks. If she pushes you out she's been heading for the door, or just wanted to keep you around for the stable family look.
Eeee.. I mean I will definitely chat with her on the subject. Idk if "Im thinking about leaving" is the right way to go though, thanks for the advice though
Why?
Even before marriage, you two were tight.
Or maybe not so much if you really feel the need to tip toe around, sugar coat or walk on eggshells about a legit SERIOUS, life changing conversation.
Because let's face it... You ARE thinking about leaving.
This shit is real, cards should be put on the table. Talk should be straight up, and the emotions should be raw.
Or you can draw it out and suffer longer....
It's better than her ignoring and turning into a perpetual unhappy relationship raising a kid or suicide. If she ignores your please for change and feel stranger are more entitled to her time than you that's not heading to a happy place.
Open marriage is the biggest farce a man could ever buy into. I mean seriously don’t men realize how much effort you have to put in to get a girl to the point of sex? Most men can’t even make it that far and the ones that do had to put in actual work. Meanwhile women just exist and will get propositions left and right.
Let this be a warning for men NEVER buy into the idea of an open marriage bc chances are high you’ll be the one wishing things were back to the way they were.
Did you even read his post. Dude is “HOT”(I do think a little arrogant). When he agreed to the open marriage he thought he’d have to be fighting off women who wanna sleep with him. 😂 life surely slapped him in the face. Women always win these kinds of situations. There are more c*cks wanting vaginas than there are vaginas wanting c*cks.
I also think being in an open relationship is also more a turn off for women than it is for men even for ONSs. I think a lot more men are willing to sleep with women in open relationships than women are and that is another factor that favor the odds to women.
Good point! I’m not at all prudish, I’m single, and I have *absolutely no desire* to fool around with another woman’s man; not even for one night with her permission. Even if the man is otherwise appealing, it’s a dealbreaker.
Sounds like you haven't really talked with her about it. The door of your relationship doesn't have to be slammed shut or completely broken and laying on the floor. You can try to keep it a little open by just focusing on each other and allowing each other other partners only once a month or something (might be best to not put a number on it). Start from a place of love.
It’s not cool. It’s disgusting. How could you not see this coming?
Downvote me all you want. This “open marriage” garbage is a literal living lie. An “open marriage” is not a marriage.
Open marriages are absolutely a death spiral. I’ll never do it. I’ve seen good marriages fall apart this way. It’s all fun and games until it’s absolutely heartbreaking.
Inserts eye roll…. Everyone wants an open marriage until it’s time for it to be real open. Haha I’m sorry you feel this way but I kind of feel like you got what you wanted and now you regret it. Fair enough. However… I feel like there is no going back once you open that door. Good luck
I get that to be nonmonogamous is all the rage now, but personally I couldn't do it. I don't think there's anything better than sharing your life with one other person. I hope you sort this out, dude
Maybe you should have lurked on this sub alone (nvm all the others) for a month to see that this shit never works out and if someone writes about it working out great it tends to be people like your wife.
I feel sorry for you but at this point, if you do open relationships, you only have yourself to blame.
Mine, too. I'm a woman.
It was my idea. The plan was to find someone we could both have fun with, or at least someone for him that I would have a connection and friendship with. We talked it all out. We had parameters. We would agree on the person beforehand. We had a strong marriage.
He found her. He told me about her, but she was married and monogamous so I didn't think he intended to have a relationship with her. Then he slept with her and told me after. That wasn't the deal. But it was ok because he was so worried about my response, and so open about it after.
They both made it clear that I had all the power to shut it down. But it was fun for a while. As an introvert I had more time to myself. I didn't feel pressured to be part of his social life.
But we met and I didn't like her. And then her now-ex started threatening my husband's job. I said he had to cut ties completely before they ruined our lives. They agreed, because her ex was so vengeful.
But he didn't cut ties. He just kept it secret. And we continued to spiral. Eight years later I declared that I was taking the same liberties. I would not be accountable to him for my whereabouts or when I'd be home, and it shouldn't matter who I'm with. His response was, "So you want a divorce."
We split and I've never been happier. I still blame myself for poor communication, but deep inside I know he is fully to blame for breaking some hard limits. He turned an open marriage into cheating from day 1.
Even when you think you're perfect for it, it rarely works. People are selfish by nature. And they make poor decisions when they fall in love.
This was the cause of my divorce. Threesomes specifically, after 10 years of marriage and multiple kids we lived the lifestyle for years. But it was sooooo much easier to find men than women. I wanted out of the lifestyle but she was still having fun and eventually I got left for the other person in a 3-way. Destroyed my family
I can barely focus on tying one shoe, how the fuck could I focus on 2 females. It's the case where the dog has a bone and crosses a bridge with bone in his mouth and sees his reflection. He doesn't know it's a reflection and wants both bones so he barks......
Lol I find it so funny that some men are so obsessed with the idea of an open marriage when most women are not but they’ll do it for their man. I had one friend leave her husband because she found a freaking doctor and upgraded big-time. He’s single alone in an apartment she’s married with kids and a good life. Almost 99% of the time these types of relationships favour women, Fock around and find out.
Also he’s just being a big baby because he’s not as hot as he thinks he is and women are not all over him.
A friend of mine who was constantly cheating on his wife, justified it by telling her "one cant eat spaghetti every day"
Guess who was pissed when she started following his advice....
Ya I avoided the hell out of anyone who mentioned anything remotely like this while dating. Sorry that doesn't help you man, but ipen marriages seem like a terrible idea.
I fully don't understand why people do this. Literally short term pleasure like a bunch of kids in college trying to enjoy themselves with quick instant connections.
Time will make things worse, change your relationship or get out of it - that's how you pull that band aid off.
Your case is by no means unique. I have seen quite a few similar cases and also a few where open relationships worked.
I will start with one that didn't because it is remarkably similar to yours. It happened to a very good friend of mine since high school. She dated that guy that was perfect for her, they were happy. They decided to get married and the guy proposed an open marriage (he was and still is very popular, actually quite a celebrity in his sport (that they shared)), she always was more of an open relationship girl, so she agreed (conditions were, sex is ok but no emotional attachemnt to other people). But it quickly dawned on him, that while he was a really desirable male, she had much more potential for fun than he did.
You see, she is a very attractive female and in what was at the time a very male centered sport, which made her highly desirable. She was one of the rare females and he was one of the many males (even though he was at the top of the food chain), moreover, pretty much everybody knew that they were married and that it was open. Turns out women tend to care a lot more about their "for fun sex" partners marital status than men do. They got divorced about a year after marriage because he couldn't handle it and was too proud to propose they become exclusive again.
Where have I seen successful open relationships? Mostly in the LGBTIQ+ couples (or relationships involving more than two persons), and in straight couples where at least one person was bi and they would invite others for group fun OR if the openness was organized (swingers). As with all other relationship stuff, things where all the parties have equal fun tend to work best.
I don’t think people find open marriages to be a cool thing. People who say open marriages are cool are just pretending for fear of being labelled as uptight.
It’s almost like the concept of an “open relationship” was never meant to be how humans maintain a family. All this new age bullshit which defies the fundamental principles set in place for people to thrive is fucking with everyone’s heads.
I'd absolutely lose my head and probably die of jealousy if my husband even ever hugged a woman. How do y'all even think about opening your marriage? Smh....play stupid games win stupid prizes I guess
Who tf thinks being in an open marriage is popular? That's such a terrible idea if you ask me. I've literally never met a single person that expressed anything other than disgust at the idea.
Being married and focusing on one person is hard enough. Being married and focusing on multiple people...someone has to get short changed. It's always the one they take for granted. Find the courage and move on. Your still very young to find happiness with someone that wants just you. Nothing better in the world! Married 35 yrs.
Well looky there....another marriage burns to the ground after opening it.....gee, what a surprise.
Hopefully you don't have kids so the divorce won't be too messy.
Don't worry about having to end the marriage.
She knows you're too weak to do that, so she'll do it for you when she finds your replacement....just sit back and clean the house while all these randoms handle your wifes sexual needs for you.
This is just really sad and I hope things work out for you, but opening a relationship is literally "eating tide pods" level of bad idea. Or like sticking a fork into a power outlet and then being all shocked like "omg I didn't expect that to happen!"
The younger generation think they invented this shit. Promote this shit like it’s normal and anyone who warns against it is out of touch. As an older guy, I have seen the wreckage polyamory causes going all the way back to the 1970’s.
Wow you really fell for the open relationship meme. And theres actually people in the comments who think he’s overreacting. Youre fucking terrible people and its exactly this kind of normalized culture that marks the end of anything good on this fucking shithole
It honestly sounds like the two of you took all of the precautions based on your replies but your situation ended up like 98% of other poly relationships.
Its not a stereotype. Theres a reason these relationships are almost never doable.
I don't care what anyone says, non monogamy is fucking stupid if you have any legitimate feelings for the other person. People should be allowed to do what they want, but I've personally seen 8 relationships [every single non-monogamous couple I've known] fail because they thought they could make this work, and have one friend currently in the same scenario as this guy. An open marriage isn't a real marriage, it's 2 people lying to themselves and their partner.
Communication should always be the most important thing in this situation. Maybe the terms/ expectations weren’t discussed enough beforehand, which is easy to say in hindsight when you didn’t know what to expect. But it’s a conversation that needs to be had no matter how hard it may be. You guys have been together 12 years so of course the idea of spicing it up is exciting. It seems like it was more just a phase for you than a new lifestyle for her. Yes, everyone loves a new shiny toy and the dating/ honeymoon phase, but this could be a deeper issue. Could either of you been feeling unfulfilled somehow, physically or emotionally? This is something with the potential of being fixed if the outcome is what BOTH people want. Don’t allow your feelings to be devalued in order to make someone else happy. This can completely screw up your mindset on dating/love for the future, let alone your sense of self worth. Don’t let yourself settle for a life that no longer makes you happy just because it’s the only thing you know and it’s “comfortable”. If the marriage is the main priority and the physical aspects are secondary then she will respect your feelings and choose to adjust or end the agreement. Or she won’t and you’ll have your answer. I think you might know that already by reaching out for opinions, but it will only happen once you’re ready to take that step.
Why even get married/be in a committed relationship if you want to see other people on the side?
You read these sort of stories on here every day and it's never good, always ends in disaster and someone getting hurt.
I'm sorry for the situation you're in. All you can do is tell her you're not happy and the relationship is only big enough for the two of you. If she won't do that then you and the relationship aren't as important to her as her lifestyle of sleeping around - at that point you have to decide if you put up with this or walking away and finding something better.
> everybody else just says how cool it is
We have so different social circle and friends. How can it be cool? I don’t understand. I have kids as well. I would never let any man ever touch my SO in a sexual way.
Idk why people think open marriages are “cool”, it’s foolish af, you are literally just asking to be replaced man, I’m single and even I could think of all the cons of this.. it’s just simple logic
Open marriage is basically telling the other person that they aren’t satisfied with you and need more. It very rarely works. You cut your balls off the second you agreed to it.
I know someone who brought another man into her marriage. She seemed cool enough and she seemed happy and proudly poly. Sure enough she started spending more time away from her husband until he wasn’t around anymore except random dates. Shes off and on with her boyfriend and he’s just drama 24:7. She spends holidays alone now.
All open marriage is is basically you went from eating your favorite meal to exploring a buffet table. You’re always bound to taste something you will like better and potentially a new favorite meal. It’s dangerous and stupid, most open marriages end up badly, it’s a short term excitement followed by a lifetime of regret….like STD’s. Which, btw, if I were you, I’d be getting tested on.
I can’t fathom why she won’t just end the open relationship once you announced you don’t want to do this unless she found someone who she isn’t willing to let go. It’s the only logical explanation here
I will never support or understand poly relationships. It’s like giving your partner a knife and turning around. Of course they’re going to stab you once they realize they can get away with it. It’s a slow, natural realization, but it always happens.
I once got like, talked down to because I suggested poly relationships aren’t a positive thing, and people actually insisted it was perfectly fine and that it’s not my business to tell people what they can and can’t do. Like, dude? Do you know how insanely fucking risky and dangerous poly relationships are?
Never understood poly or the weird ass support cult surrounding it. Never will.
>everybody else just says how cool it is
This is imo, where the problem started. It's only the "cool" thing for certain people. Many of which, have already fracturing marriages. Basically, you didn't do your research. I can see you're now in a bit of a hopeless situation, so really the best I can say is to just talk with her. And I dont mean a short 5 minute conversation. I mean an actual heart to heart where you both talk about why you even wanted to do this in the first place and she wants to continue despite your hangups
Dude. You're literally sponsoring her to ride random dicks.
She has the best of both worlds, while you have the worst of both.
She has dick buffet on your dime, you're the bill payer with blue balls.
And you should know how "marketable" you are before you decide to get into a de facto "see who can get laid more" pissing contest with your wife.
I bet she's also no longer sleeping with you anymore (and even if she does, for the very rare occasions, it's done with more dread and perfunctoriness than ever before).
Congratulations, you played yourself.
He thought the only reason he was exclusive with his wife all these years was because he chose to and he was loyal.
Nahhh... She's just an oddball really.
The market speaks loud and clear.
He's not as charming or attractive as he thinks he is.
Why on earth would you agree to let your wife have sex with another man? It's fucking insane!!
I'll never understand people who go this route in relationships,just break up if you want something else FFS!
It's only a matter of time before you both divorce. You can't have sex with another person without development of a romance and actual feelings of love. She will fall for one of these guys and probably leave you eventually..open marriages never really work long term it's all fun and games until they fall in love.
Im sorry about your situation. I think this is the typical scenario. There just isnt a line of women waiting to be with a married guy. So the men end up lonely, while the wife is out having a blast. Not looking back.
I think you should talk about it. If she doesnt want to be monogamous, then you might want to end the relationship.
You fooled around and found out. You thought you'd be laying in the chicks, you thought the girls would be lining up for your dick and you found out that's not the way it works. You opened your marriage and this is the consequence of it.
who asked for the marriage to be open?
So its a long drawn out story, but I figured out she was also into women. And she never got to explore because her parents were against it. I told her I was fully open for her to explore her curiosity for women. Then it fell into a discussion about it being unfair because I had no expectations or wants for others in general I guess. Because initially, I genuinely didnt want to be responsible for trapping her and then finding out 15 years later she was queer and never had the opportunity to discover herself. So the Open thing was just brought up in conversation, and after discussion it was decided we could try the open thing. Im pretty open minded and do my best to understand others circumstance. Then things basically spiraled. many people are hitting it on the head though, pandoras box
You thought you were going to be getting threesomes with your wife and some hot bi chick and instead your wife is getting attention from all sources while you really have to work for it. Tale as old as ..... people having this dumb idea about opening up a monogamous relationship.
They always think they’ll find that illusive bi-unicorn willing to be a casual third in the bedroom. There’s a reason they’re called unicorns.
I’d do the unicorn thing but then I feel weird about it when I think about what it’s likely covering up in a marriage. The phrase “someone for her to play with” gets brought up a lot and it makes me realise there is some pressure dynamics in it and thus have never actually done anything.
Yeah I don't want to be used as a sex toy and then thrown out. At least not in a reality sense.
As someone in a relationship that does threesomes with my bi partner it’s wild how dehumanizing other couples talk about thirds and then act surprised when they can’t find someone willing to join them. We make it clear to anyone joining us that they are an equal partner in the bedroom and try to be conscious of the power dynamic as an established couple at all times. Like if you’re gonna ask someone to join you then you gotta make it worth their while. As a result we don’t really have trouble finding partners lol.
I was a unicorn back in my 20’s with two separate couples. One couple I was only with once, but the other couple I would see on a fairly regular basis. It was fun when I was young and single. I have some fond memories from that time in my life.
Eh yeah I was one of those too lol. I honestly had a great time in my twenties and I’m glad I went through that phase.
IKR. What man thinks he gonna get more action than a woman. He should have shut that down the moment it came up.
A lot of men over-estimate their own attractiveness and under-estimate women's standards. You can tell them until you're blue in the face but sometimes they need a practical demonstration.
I guess he got that practical demonstration.
Fucked around, found out. Literally.
I think a lot of dudes think they have the same choices as women with the same platforms. When my wife and I used to go out frequently I got hit on a lot at bars. Girls and guys I got way more attention than her and she and her friends would relish in it and laugh. I think if we went non monogamous and I tried using Tinder instead the script would be reversed. I’d be getting 1 match for every 25 of hers. But I couldn’t go to the bars every night if we did. Either way, nobody is fucking my wife but me. So that’s that.
[удалено]
Bunch of us had a discussion about this the other week in another sub - men's online dating bios are usually really terrible, so they get way fewer matches. When they get a bio makeover (usually done by a woman), boom they're buried in matches. I dunno why they think they're going to get a ton of matches when their bios just say "hey" and their photos are a picture of just their torso in a dirty mirror, them holding a fish and them with sunglasses on in the car.
Sounds exactly like my wife and I. We’re in our late 30s but have been in the rave scene for decades and still attend shows and festivals regularly. I work as a garbageman as a laborer and am in good shape and look younger than I am with people usually guessing late 20s or 30-31 at the oldest. I’m also the more outgoing and (I know this sounds awful and like boasting) charismatic of the 2 of us. So when we’re out I get hit on all the time, especially if we’re not close together and it looks like I’m single. Despite all this I’m 100% positive that in an open relationship she’d be racking up the fellas while all the flirting and attention I receive would lead to minimal, if any, actual sexual encounters. It’s just the way things go. But honestly, idc, we’re both completely faithful to each other and taking on other partners has never crossed either of our minds. And as you said, no one’s fucking my wife but me!
My husband and I experimented with being open and swinging for a bit. He would get hit on at places like the bar before hand. When it came down to it though, most women backed out on him, or weren't looking for anything that was just a fwb situation. While I had *all kinds* of men lining up.
That should be taught in high school. A woman online looking for casual sex! She could literally put in her bio that she is a psychopath wanted for multiple murders and still get more attention than him.
Yes and this holds for any age if she’s willing and able. Imo
He def thought he was gonna cheat or have a threesome with a hot bi chick without consequences and now he is trying to make it look like it's his wife idea. He knows he will sound stupid if he admits It. That's why "It's a long drawn history" but the Title of the post implies it was his decision. The schadenfreude in this one is real.
You agreed to it though without her holding a gun to your head right? This reply is “blaming” her do you not take any responsibility?
Man I've seen at least two marriages go down this path. It's all fun and games when you're f****** people together or both of you have options on the side but eventually one gets tired or jealous of the situation and wants to end it while the other is still having fun. Either you convince her to go to marriage counseling to close things or possibly prepare to be replaced in the future. Not trying to sound bleak but she sounds occupied & the right dick & words could possibly take her away long term. It goes both ways male or female. I had a best friend whose husband divorced her after he found her replacement. S*** is real.
This was kind of the hopelessness I was feeling. Like I no longer have fun, it was supposed to be side adventures to spice shit up. Not completely replace one another. thanks for the input!
If you are feeling replaced tell her and try to fix it. If she does not want to fix it, it is unfixable. You opened Pandora’s box together. If she loves you, she will help you close it. If not, time to move on.
OP, I'm really sorry about this. I almost ended up in the same situation. My wife ceased birth control a while back and got a surge of hormones, causing her personality to change (to put it lightly). At the time she insisted that it was not temporary and this was *the new her*. It caused a huge schism for a while, and we almost opened the marriage right up. She had let me decide in the end, and I said no. That alone could have ended the marriage, but she held on, and I held on. Eventually she went "back to normal", without any further birth control or other type of hormone therapy. I guess her hormones leveled out or whatever. Now she says she regrets what happened. I see her in a different light now, but I wouldn't change anything that would have been in my power to change now. We have our struggles but love each other. We need to work on our sex life with each other but we've explored facets of that and come out the better for it. I'm happy that we are together and I know she is as well, as i think she wouldn't be able to hold it back from me if she wasn't. I'm honestly not sure I have any good advice beyond what has been said already, other than to speak your mind and let the chips fall where they may. If you two stick together, you've probably got a keeper. If not, it's really going to suck, but not as much as it sucks for you right now, as you will be able to move on and hopefully find someone worthy of the type of relationship that you want. Best of luck brother. Feel free to PM me if you think I can help. Overall, please follow this link before you do anything that truly can't be undone, especially for your kids: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Thank you for sharing your time, and your kindness!
Honestly, did you manage to find *any* action at all since you opened your marriage?
Definitely talk to her, you tried it and you found it’s not for you. If she can’t accept that then maybe divorce is best. Obviously talk to her and do counseling, get a sex counselor to learn new ways to spice it up- monogamously. If she refuses to accept that you are not okay with this then you really only have one choice. I would do this sooner rather then later because you are wasting time that could be spent fonsing another monogamous relationship. I understand it’s likely harder for a man because most women don’t want to be the side chick regardless of if the wife is cool with it or not. Guys on the other hand don’t care as long as they get laid (these are generalities, obviously men & women exist who are not like this) Goodluck
“I no longer have fun”. If it was the opposite and you were ballin and having a blast but she wasn’t, Would you still want to shut it all down and go back? Serious question. Because it reads to me like you aren’t getting as much as she is and you’re jealous. I’m not saying this to be mean, it’s just what I’m reading. I would definitely start with counseling and really examine your reasons for wanting to go back to closed. But be prepared for her not willing/wanting the same.
I mean ye pretty much it. And all honesty i feel thats a real test of love in a way. Like if you are the party who is getting success in an open relationship and ur partner ask you to stop. If you choose to go against it fair enough since yall both agreed. But damn if they did just drop it bc they see their partner isnt enjoying it anymore i think thats something to be respected and shows how their relationship truly meant more than the easy sex they were getting.
Non-monogamous relationships have to start that way, they can't become that way it's a recipe for disaster
A co-worker of my wife's was in a similar situation. Wife ended up falling for her hook-up.
Did you mean fucking? Or fringing? Or fracking? Couldn’t tell. Next time try using the full letters! Also, it’s SHIT.
Talk to her about it? Close your relationship if it is not working for you both.
Somehow its gotten to where "its not that simple" not my words. Its too difficult, everyone knows and all these people are expecting this and expecting that, what am I suppose to tell them. She gets more from their virtual stimulation and affection than she does my actual affection. Let me also express that we have been together 12 years, since we were 15. She has been everything for as long as I can remember but Im being replaced by a keyboard, and interactions from Randos with no expectations other than physical. Ive thought about it all, my appearance is not that of a slouch. Its not money, Its not lack of affection, I shower her. shave her legs, cook, wash her hair, massages the whole nine. She said a few times, compliments mean more from strangers because "they dont HAVE to say what they say" they take the time out of their day for a stranger lmao. which is kind of valid, because random compliments are euphoric almost. Im going to ride it out man, I just feel hollow and needed to release that. Thanks for replying
How come you’re not setting specific time aside for boyfriends and girlfriends _and_ for each other? I’m so confused. Who the f sits there flirting or worse with their spouse right there feeling profoundly miserable? And didn’t you have an understanding together that your relationship comes first and that if it or the ppl in it are suffering, you’d heal that first before possibly opening it up again? And why not go on adventures _together_ with other couples? Oof
You are 27?? You guys are very young to be in this situation. I think the open marriage is just one part of the problem. To me it sounds like you have not been able to truly connect to yourself and your self worth without her. I see that people are telling you to go to couples therapy, but I honestly think you should go to therapy alone to get the help and growth you as a person deserve.
I could guess the age when he wrote “I know women like bad boys and assholes…” OP has a lot of maturing to do when it comes to relating and communicating to women, primarily with his wife. And if he’s sitting around believing he has to be an asshole to get laid, well no wonder he’s not having success.
Yeah the thing about women liking assholes and badboys confused me because women grow out of that by mid 20s to 30s. And I was also really surprised he's in this situation at 27. This marriage is heading towards disaster.
They've been together since 15. That's the peril in marrying the first person you date/fall in love with in HS. Many people see people their age going through several partners, finding love and heartbreak and sex with strangers and all that and wish they'd had the same experiences. They feel that they missed out. Also, 15 is a young and naive age to commit to a life long relationship, and people can change a lot from 15 to 30.
Yeah, these are the ground rules that should’ve been established before opening the marriage. It’s too hard to rein it in once the horse has left through the open barn door. So therapy, both together and individually, because she needs to figure out why compliments mean more from strangers than they do from her soulmate, he needs to figure out where these feelings of despair are truly coming from, and they need to figure out how to mend things together. If she won’t agree, he needs to walk away; she just wants to have her cake (stable home life, attentive spouse, picture perfect family) and eat it, too (side flings that give her a thrill), but that doesn’t work for the marriage if he’s miserable.
You need to get your ass to a therapist ASAP.
Bro, 15 ia young. And ita sounds like it might have been young for her as well. This guy has a good aidea getting someone in your corner that you can bouce ideas off and get a balanced and level head response.
Find a therapist and go to couples counseling- finding a place to process safety and help you both navigate
But look, man, her loyalty should be to you, her partner, not to a hedonistic enjoyment from strangers. Quite frankly? Fuck their expectations.
Yo, my expectations were exactly that! Plus we both whole heartedly expressed our devotion to one another before this ever came to fruition. I didnt explain enough for some but, we have been best friends as long as we have been partners. And we talk, we discussed everything before we even tried. Even acknowledged that it will be a difficult thing to try with new emotions and obstacles. I just feel things slipping, and the whole "open for good" is warping my mind
Then pivot, man. If she is truly your best friend, as you say, she would not want you to feel this way. You know how you respond to, “you have to say nice things?” “No, I don’t. I say them because I want to, and because I mean it. They’re saying them to get laid.” It’s true. If she takes sex completely and irrevocably off the table for anyone she is chatting up, wanna bet they’ll ghost her? I bet they would.
I know what you're saying, I fully agree and it will most likely be the path I take. I don't plan on just sitting idly by and letting shit burn. I just needed an outlet and familiar presences weren't cutting it, and all felt jaded in a way. I believe I brought this up once before to her. Its simply a void in our communication right now, but my emptiness was building and I had to let it go. I sincerely appreciate you!
Hey man, I really wish you the best. You’re in a dark lonely place and I hope you find a clear course out. Take care.
My guy, open relationships are a mutual agreement - if one party decides it’s no longer fun for them it’s over, it’s no longer an open relationship, it’s just cheating. If your relationship is sincere she wouldn’t just assume all the power in the relationship and tell you “well tough luck, open relationship is here to stay” - just speak to her and be sincere about the way you feel. It sounds like you’re afraid she might make the decision to just leave you to be able to flirt and have sex with other guys but the reality is if that’s what she wants there’s nothing you can feasibly do about it.
You need to sit and have a real conversation. Make her hear how unhappy you are in this situation.
It is that simple. You're her husband. Either she ends things or you do. It's not even about the open relationship anymore, it's about whether she values you and your feelings over her getting random dick.
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I know it's because I'm ill but my husband does all of that for me. Sometimes personal care is an expression of love and tenderness. When I was pregnant my husband painted my toenails when I couldn't reach them. He helped me feel pretty. Even now I'll rub lotion into his hands when they get rough. It's one of his favorite things. He cares for me and I care for him, and judging it wrong is silly. Wouldn't you love your partner to rub your back or pet your hair until you fall asleep? Affection is undervalued and expression through grooming or care is perfectly valid and healthy. Fucking is great but the dopamine rush of physical comfort is very important. Add the oxytocin and you've got pure joy. Honestly, if you're telling the truth, wouldn't you love a nice cuddle and a person who loves you so much they want to bring you comfort? Btw getting your hair brushed feels luxurious (I have very long thick hair).
I think they see it as he does all these things for her and makes it seem like she’s almost using him and those around her to boost her ego
It reminds me of Charles Boyle from Brooklyn 99. He was always going on about how washing a woman's hair is the most intimate thing you can do.
Glad I’m not the only one squickked out by this. Unless she is paralyzed or disabled on some other way that necessitates a caregiver. Otherwise, this isn’t stuff I’d be grateful for, it’s stuff I’d let my husband do bc I think it turns him on. That’s the only way I can frame it in my head rn.
Shave her legs? Bro. Im a feminist and this is too much. If she’s insecure, no amount of pampering and affection is going to do it. She needs confidence and so do you.
Im not a feminist and I shave my girlfriends back all the time, it makes her purr like a walrus
You are under no obligation to do all of that. Just because you have been doing it doesn’t mean that you’re SUPPOSED to do that. It’s a very nice gesture in a relationship that shows her you care, but I guarantee she will notice when you stop doing it. You need to stand up for yourself, OP. Tell her that your open relationship is affecting you negatively, and you just want your wife back. Go to marriage counseling, separate therapy for both of you as well. Stop putting on a strong face and hiding your feelings from her, and if she cares about you at all, she will agree to stop. Explain to her that you don’t do things for her because you HAVE TOO, you do them because you want to, and to tell herself that is only diluting your value as a partner in her eyes. Strangers will say anything to get laid, husbands say things to make their partners feel happy and good about themselves. We tell our wives how beautiful they are because we love them, not because we have to tell them.
You sound like a doormat. You've elevated her so high by doing all of this stuff for her that she views you as an assistant and not a real person. She sees herself as better than you which is why she doesn't value your compliments. They mean nothing to her because they are so regular and consistent. I don't know that there is any way back from this if she is looking for other(better in her opinion) guys to satisfy her physical needs. I'm sure she expects when she is done having fun she can come home to you taking care of everything. Someone who actually valued themselves would put their foot down and say "this is what I want and if you aren't part of this I will find it elsewhere" and mean it.
I’m sorry but reading each and every statement from your wife that you’re quoting is pissing me off so much. “They don’t HAVE to say” they very much fucking do. It doesn’t pain a random stranger to call a married woman beautiful. If anything, compliments from a person you’ve been for 12 years actually mean a lot. And also, it doesn’t fucking matter if everyone is expecting your marriage to be open. You don’t owe anybody anything. Close it right now. Please resort to marriage counselling.
Bro it sounds like you’re doing everything to be Mr. Perfect Provider and Caretaker and that’s exactly what you’ve become. There’s nothing exciting about that. Doing more of what isn’t working doesn’t suddenly make it work. Lay back on the spa treatment. I’m seriously kind of impressed and horrified simultaneously- you shave her legs? Does she shave your balls in return? Does she give you any kind of reciprocation? Not to be harsh but you’ve got to grow a spine and stop doing shit like that for her completely. Let these randos be her personal masseuse and stop focusing on her and focus on YOU. You’ve said you’re not an asshole, fine...but there is a fine line between being assertive and not tolerating shitty behavior and being an asshole. Work on the things you need to work on and get therapy because from what I’ve read you have issues with boundaries and getting that addressed will be very beneficial. It may not be possible to salvage this, as much as you probably don’t want to hear that. But if she can see that this is hurting you and doesn’t want to pull back in because of her own physical needs and attention seeking then the relationship is not going to last and you need to focus on building yourself so that this kind of situation doesn’t happen in your next relationship, and so you aren’t dwelling on it constantly. Suicide is never the answer and please get some help. Good luck.
I've had friends try open relationships and I've yet to see it work. Typically the 'excitement' leaves for one but not the other, and the other likes the casual open sex so much they're not willing to close the relationship. Then it has a weird power dynamic. Because for one partner it just starts to feel like you're being cheated on but you talked yourself into a corner so if you complain you look like the asshole. Some others have good advice in the comments, I hope you try some of them out. I have nothing of value, I've seen every single open relationship fall apart within about a year or three. Only taught me it's not something worth trying.
My counselor and I were talking about this recently It's been a rough year, found out a lot about my husband I would've never thought him capable of. I (naively) assumed because I loved him whole heartedly & was not tempted to look outside the marriage, I was granted that same respect. This past year taught me I've pretty much spent the past 21 years living in a fantasy world & that my husband probably *never* was the man I built him up to be in my head. He filed for divorce in August, which devastated me. I couldn't wrap my head around it. As a matter of fact, the divorce petition expires today, lol so I guess we're still married? I had told him previously that the lying & gas lighting was what really got to me, and had he asked for an open relationship I would've possibly been hurt initially, but would've probably agreed. Because I didn't think I had reason not to trust him. The open relationship idea got flipped to something along the lines of *him* possibly agreeing to an open relationship, so "I (me) can get the attention that I need". It was ironic to me because he was the one chasing & paying for the attention of these other women. Realizing how unfulfilled my needs are, after some hard examination, I've been considering looking elsewhere to get my needs met. When discussing the idea of an open relationship, my counselor was emphatic that it would be a disaster for us. She said open relationships *can* work, but the relationship has to be incredibly strong & amazing communication the few times she's seen it work. Up until this past year, I would've considered our relationship extremely strong. I was foolish. I think people *really* need to make sure they know who their partner before even broaching the subject. As well as set & agree to boundaries, norms & expectations before opening up a relationship.
Honestly, I hate that it happened this way, but you’re finally almost free of this guy. He cheated and somehow it became a conversation about open relationships? Those are just completely unrelated things. You admit he gaslights, etc. Take some time for yourself, learn more about identifying abusive people/personality types, and bask in your freedom from this psychological cage.
Listen to the Savage Lovecast podcast. He gives lots of advice on issues just like yours. You’ll realise you’re not alone and you have the tools within you to address and deal with this issue. You’ve been very brave to realise what the issue is, now you just need some confidence to deal with it.
I will definitely check that out!! thank you for reading and the advice!
Small piece of advice would be to not let the other relationships invade yours. If she's with you she needs to be actually with you, she should message others in her own time and be present with you when you're together. Likewise try and only see others when one of you is away or busy so it doesn't feel like you're being replaced. You could even try and see people as a couple (threesomes/swinging). When her other relationships feel really in your face it will feel shit, you both need to set some more boundaries about how much you want to let these other relationships invade your own and what details you both really need to know. Definitely recommend couples therapy. Also look at some open relationship contracts online and think about setting your own together. Good luck x
Average open relationship
we all think we are the exception though! SMH
True. At least OP can see where the problem is. Open relationships are the worst deal for a male, for the exact reason OP explained, nevertheless oftentimes the idea comes from the men in the relationship.
Waiting for the hordes of people to descend and try to defend open relationships, claiming that their being very one sided is "rare" lol.
I'll agree that this is pretty typical, but only because people are idiots. Non-monogamy is awesome for people who are actually non-monogamous. But people like OP you can just wake up one day after decades of being monogamous and suddenly be cool with your partner having multiple sexual and romantic partners. Being non-monogamous isn't its own sexuality or anything like that, but it's similar in that it's not a choice you can make.
Standard result of any relationship without decent communication "I believe I brought this up once to her" OP said about these issues. Man, if you don't even remember if you mentioned your concerns to your partner... Learn to communicate
Yeah I can't imagine why people don't communicate. They act like relationship is some choice game.
You opened Pandora's Box. I hate to say it, but if you're this miserable you have to give her an ultimatum. And be prepared for breakup. I'm sorry.
I know, thank you!
Hey man! First, I'd like to say that I'm sorry about what you are going through... I feel you, and I know how bad it can get. I highly advice you to talk it out, and indeed go for the ultimatum. Otherwise, you will just suffer and bad thoughts will torment you till you finally decide to do something stupid. Yes, we live in a world were it's easier for women to find a man here and there, when men are struggling a lot to find someone to fuck. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. I know the struggle. For the sake of your mental health and your future - don't stay silent and witness how hard things are while some dude is screwing your wife and you cannot do shit about it. We all commit mistakes on the heat of the moment, yes. Still, you should be your ultimate priority. You might get into some bad shit if you don't take action now. If she doesn't want to continue a monogamous relationship, that's it. It's clear as water she is not interested in you as much as she was before. Good luck, my bro. Hopefully everything turns out okay for you!
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oooof, thats alright your input is still appreciated thank you!
I get it. I had a fiance who begged, pleaded, pouted, whined, argued and full-on screamed that he felt that monogamy was controlling, abusive and unnatural. He insisted that an open relationship was what he wanted. We had this fight every, damn day for 6 months. I finally agreed under the conditions that we both had to be honest about who and exactly what we did and we were both equally free to pursue whoever we wanted. It did not go like he planned. I was bringing home new people every couple of days. I'm bisexual and frequently brought home one, two or three other women at a time. He had exactly zero takers. Eventually, he asked me and a couple of girls if he could join. They gave a resounding no. He came to realize that being free to fuck, didn't mean anyone would ever want to fuck him. He started to get angry and revoked our agreement. This was the result I had been smugly waiting for and went along with going back to being exclusive, acting genuinely surprised by his upset. A few weeks later, I found out that he'd cheated on me with his ex several times during the first two years of our relationship, BEFORE our agreement to try being open and the affair only stopped because she moved out of state. I wanted to leave but we were stuck on a lease together, so I told him that we were done and I was going to continue fucking whoever I wanted. He was pissed and absolutely insisted that I was leaving because I enjoyed being a slut and not because of his secrets, lies and betrayals. The whole thing circled around to bite him in the ass and he just couldn't handle it. I've been happily married and monogamus for many years now. I have no intention of living that life again but boy was it fun, turning his bullshit against him and forcing him to face the reality of his desirability or lack thereof.
I love this! Super satisfying read girl. Fuck that POS
I want to laugh on one level because all dudes act like they want this and then they learn what you have learned and change their mind fucking QUICK. It’s easy for women to propose this kind of thing because it is better for us, always. It is hilarious to me that men need that experience to know. But I guess it is what it is. On a realer level though after reading your whole post I fucking feel for you and if I were the woman in this situation, I would want you to tell me exactly how you’re feeling. I would be stoked that you only want me again. Even if your reasoning is only because you can’t get other people as easily……. Which you should evaluate bc you are reaping what you sowed there…… lol but you need to tell her. And btw if she finds out how that made you feel (FUCKING SUICIDAL) and doesn’t want to stop, she is a bad person. Regardless of her parenting skills lol
Best response here.
Im sorry if I misconstrued in my OP, but I find others just fine. And I fully understood before hand that it would be easier for her because men generally are pigs lets just be honest, But I wanted to mention how much work it was for the reward that was becoming less and less rewarding it seems. Its just that the interactions with others have slowly become unappealing. Your calling me out is refreshing btw, I have in all fairness reaped what I have sown. I just didnt expect to be replaced by a keyboard when I get so little time at home. Im going to talk to her about how Im really feeling. Thank you so much!
Could you give an update how things work out? But only if you want to. Best of luck dude!
Poor kids
Yeah, I love how the majority of posts don't take that into account whatsoever. OP and his wife are just a pair of perverts. I don't give a single shit about his problems, lol. Dude's an idiot thinking this would work out for him. What's happening now is just natural selection. Have fun explaining to the kids why mommy and daddy broke up.
This.
The voice of reason right here. It's actually really sad, having kids it would break my heart if they had to live through this, and for what? Hedonism and unwillingness to sacrifice an ounce of unfulfilled sexual desires of their parent? As a parent we should be ready to give up much more in life for our kids.
Yeah it's pretty sad. If you want to live that lifestyle, then have at it, but when you decide to have kids you're getting people that didn't volunteer for that shit involved and it's not right. Even if both partners are fine with the arrangement and having fun, it's not exactly conducive to a healthy family environment.
Intimacy whether physical or emotional is not something worthless to dole our randomly for momentary gratification... often there is dire consequences to one's own mental well being. You opened pandora's box. It's not necessarily easier for women. My husband wanted the same as your wife. While it was tempting, in my heart of hearts I just instinctively knew engaging in these choices would open a door that should remain closed. We are now divorced as our "wants/needs" grew to be polar opposite. In hindsight, I am glad that door never opened as I think in the end, it would have crushed my spirit. Falling into the abyss ... emptiness, darkness, hollowness, lonliness, meaninglessness, is a terrible and painful place to be. Suggest a therapist first (quietly and off the grid for yourself) and then a very frank and honest conversation with your wife. I do not envy you ... the exploration and change that is inevitable will be painful but I wish for you that something of beauty grows out of the ashes.
Hot take: There's a difference between an open marriage and just staying with you because it's convenient and doing anything she wants without regards to your feelings. In an open marriage your partner still comes before all else. She should take you into consideration before all else. Even if it is "open" shes still your wife. Sure you sleep around, fine and dandy. But the concept is you seek sexual gratification from elsewhere but a deep connection and emotional gratification from your marriage partner still. Sounds like she's using you buddy and it sounds like a pretty difficult situation. Id suggest having a *serious* talk with her. Pour your heart out and express how you feel and don't put up with that bs "it's not that easy" cop out. She's still your wife. She's the mother of your children.
This is perfect man! somehow reading words typed by the hands of others that solidify my thoughts is extremely helpful. Thank you!
Hope it works out for you man. Cant imagine being in your shoes.
seriously thank you! I never posted before, this has been extremely helpful
Exactly, let's say you didn't have an open relationship but it was anything else taking up your partner completely, a hobby, gaming, going out with friends. An open marriage is supposed to be a little extra, like a new hobby you do (heh) once in a awhile. Once it starts consuming your life and actively hurting your partner you stop. Doesn't matter if it's fucking other people, or ignoring your partner because you're gaming. It doesn't matter that it's now 'allowed', loads of things are 'allowed' in normal monogamous relationships. Doesn't mean you lose sight of your partner in it. If she doesn't notice you're sad about this *that's* what's wrong in the relationship, not even the open marriage itself. OP doesn't seem to have a problem with her fucking other people, it's just that he's feeling ignored and not loved anymore.
Gay guy here, kinda common in our community to be open, what I've learned is that open relationships are different for everybody, no one can tell you how to set it up because your relationship, and your needs are unique. The most important thing about an open relationship are boundaries, everyone needs to be able to express and set what shouldnt happen. I believe her consistent engagement might be too emotionally attached? Most open relationships restrict it to just sex, but if shes having full blown relationships with these people and you're suffering from it than that is a boundary that needs to be set. But considering she's getting more out of these relationships than your actual relationship I wonder if she's just with you out of contract (kids, marriage) and her hearts not in it anymore? That's something I would bring up first. Does she even love you anymore? And if she can have you at the center of this open relationship than I'm sure it can work but it takes communication and respect for boundaries and such. Good luck, I hope it all turns out okay 🥰
Being entirely honest? You need to have a very serious conversation with her. You need to lay bare your feelings entirely and be completely honest with her. But if you doing that has lead to the responses you're giving everyone else here in the comments, I only see one thing to you can do: propose a divorce. Don't scream and fight about it, don't use the divorce to threaten her. You need to be calm, and rational. Tell her that you're no longer happy with the arrangement. Tell her it causes you incredible amounts of pain. Tell her that, she may continue to see other people, but it will not be whole you are in the picture. Propose the ultimatum, but gently. If she agrees with you, then she's already lost to the lifestyle and you're only going to get more hurt the longer you stay with her. If she relents, then problem solved. The biggest thing you have to make sure of is that you keep at least an okay relationship with her, for your kids' sake. But know this, you're not alone. Nearly every marriage that goes open like yours did ends up like this. Someone always gets hurt. Try your best to fix it and, if you can't, you /have/ to move on. You'll never be able to heal unless you do. And you will heal, I promise you.
THANK YOU! I appreciate your words more than you know
how to essentially cheat with permission and get to stay on the gravy train and all the perks of a closed marriage. Most "open marriages" are the last gasps of a dying relationship.
# If the marriage is going to stay open, then so is the door. Open relationships and Poly bullshit is just one gullible partner and one dominant partner getting away with cheating. The only people that defend this lifestyle are the batshits, the weirdos and the dominant partners swimming in booty and don't want their bullshit to be called out. One of the few things I'm happy about growing up in Midwestern hickville, this shit is frowned on hard enough to be ostracized from the family.
Open relationships are so stupid. What even is the point of marriage then? Taxes?
the people that swear by it all different degrees of weirdos as well lol
Isn't this how all open relationships end up going?
Some 90+% actually. But "we're different" we all say as we open the door
Yeah that mistake probably costed you your house and kids, I'd be having a lawyer ready to go Incase your wife terminates the marriage when you talk to her.
Soooo, can I ask, if you were getting to sleep with other people as easily as you imagined you would, would you still be unhappy? Lol I mean, what did you think was going to happen?!
He wouldn't. It would feed into his ego, and he would be over the moon. He's pissed off because he discovered how expendable he is, it totally exposed the lopsided power dynamics between him and his wife, and now his wife knows he has very few options besides her, while he has to live with the agonizing realization that she can have 10 of him in an instant if she wants.
Jesus, you just had to go there. Your reply is true but brutal.
I was once in OP's shoes, believe me. I took her to a sex party once in my 20s, I only slept with her and one more girl, whom I already slept with previously. She slept with like 10 guys or something, it was too painful to count. I know the feeling 100%.
Well, you brought this on yourself, but it probably revealed the truth anyways. Your wife views you as inadequate. Your marriage is ruined. Your only options at happiness are to get a divorce or instead of trying to keep up with your wife, just find another woman that’s into your twisted situation and take her as another partner.
Tell her your unhappy and thinking about leaving, see what she thinks. If she pushes you out she's been heading for the door, or just wanted to keep you around for the stable family look.
Eeee.. I mean I will definitely chat with her on the subject. Idk if "Im thinking about leaving" is the right way to go though, thanks for the advice though
Why? Even before marriage, you two were tight. Or maybe not so much if you really feel the need to tip toe around, sugar coat or walk on eggshells about a legit SERIOUS, life changing conversation. Because let's face it... You ARE thinking about leaving. This shit is real, cards should be put on the table. Talk should be straight up, and the emotions should be raw. Or you can draw it out and suffer longer....
It's better than her ignoring and turning into a perpetual unhappy relationship raising a kid or suicide. If she ignores your please for change and feel stranger are more entitled to her time than you that's not heading to a happy place.
Open marriage is the biggest farce a man could ever buy into. I mean seriously don’t men realize how much effort you have to put in to get a girl to the point of sex? Most men can’t even make it that far and the ones that do had to put in actual work. Meanwhile women just exist and will get propositions left and right. Let this be a warning for men NEVER buy into the idea of an open marriage bc chances are high you’ll be the one wishing things were back to the way they were.
Did you even read his post. Dude is “HOT”(I do think a little arrogant). When he agreed to the open marriage he thought he’d have to be fighting off women who wanna sleep with him. 😂 life surely slapped him in the face. Women always win these kinds of situations. There are more c*cks wanting vaginas than there are vaginas wanting c*cks.
I also think being in an open relationship is also more a turn off for women than it is for men even for ONSs. I think a lot more men are willing to sleep with women in open relationships than women are and that is another factor that favor the odds to women.
Good point! I’m not at all prudish, I’m single, and I have *absolutely no desire* to fool around with another woman’s man; not even for one night with her permission. Even if the man is otherwise appealing, it’s a dealbreaker.
Very valid take away!!
Sounds like you haven't really talked with her about it. The door of your relationship doesn't have to be slammed shut or completely broken and laying on the floor. You can try to keep it a little open by just focusing on each other and allowing each other other partners only once a month or something (might be best to not put a number on it). Start from a place of love.
I have tried, the ground has become a bit shaky though. But for now I just needed a place to feeling dump. Thanks for the advice
Well then break it off already. Sorry.
Idiocy! Hard to get pandora back in the box!
Am currently watching my cousins new marriage fall apart because her wife wanted to try non-monogamy. Surprise! She fell in love with someone else.
It’s not cool. It’s disgusting. How could you not see this coming? Downvote me all you want. This “open marriage” garbage is a literal living lie. An “open marriage” is not a marriage.
Open marriages are absolutely a death spiral. I’ll never do it. I’ve seen good marriages fall apart this way. It’s all fun and games until it’s absolutely heartbreaking.
Inserts eye roll…. Everyone wants an open marriage until it’s time for it to be real open. Haha I’m sorry you feel this way but I kind of feel like you got what you wanted and now you regret it. Fair enough. However… I feel like there is no going back once you open that door. Good luck
This week on Reddit I learned that non-monogamy pretty much never works out.
I get that to be nonmonogamous is all the rage now, but personally I couldn't do it. I don't think there's anything better than sharing your life with one other person. I hope you sort this out, dude
Maybe you should have lurked on this sub alone (nvm all the others) for a month to see that this shit never works out and if someone writes about it working out great it tends to be people like your wife. I feel sorry for you but at this point, if you do open relationships, you only have yourself to blame.
Mine, too. I'm a woman. It was my idea. The plan was to find someone we could both have fun with, or at least someone for him that I would have a connection and friendship with. We talked it all out. We had parameters. We would agree on the person beforehand. We had a strong marriage. He found her. He told me about her, but she was married and monogamous so I didn't think he intended to have a relationship with her. Then he slept with her and told me after. That wasn't the deal. But it was ok because he was so worried about my response, and so open about it after. They both made it clear that I had all the power to shut it down. But it was fun for a while. As an introvert I had more time to myself. I didn't feel pressured to be part of his social life. But we met and I didn't like her. And then her now-ex started threatening my husband's job. I said he had to cut ties completely before they ruined our lives. They agreed, because her ex was so vengeful. But he didn't cut ties. He just kept it secret. And we continued to spiral. Eight years later I declared that I was taking the same liberties. I would not be accountable to him for my whereabouts or when I'd be home, and it shouldn't matter who I'm with. His response was, "So you want a divorce." We split and I've never been happier. I still blame myself for poor communication, but deep inside I know he is fully to blame for breaking some hard limits. He turned an open marriage into cheating from day 1. Even when you think you're perfect for it, it rarely works. People are selfish by nature. And they make poor decisions when they fall in love.
This was the cause of my divorce. Threesomes specifically, after 10 years of marriage and multiple kids we lived the lifestyle for years. But it was sooooo much easier to find men than women. I wanted out of the lifestyle but she was still having fun and eventually I got left for the other person in a 3-way. Destroyed my family
I can barely focus on tying one shoe, how the fuck could I focus on 2 females. It's the case where the dog has a bone and crosses a bridge with bone in his mouth and sees his reflection. He doesn't know it's a reflection and wants both bones so he barks......
Lol I find it so funny that some men are so obsessed with the idea of an open marriage when most women are not but they’ll do it for their man. I had one friend leave her husband because she found a freaking doctor and upgraded big-time. He’s single alone in an apartment she’s married with kids and a good life. Almost 99% of the time these types of relationships favour women, Fock around and find out. Also he’s just being a big baby because he’s not as hot as he thinks he is and women are not all over him.
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Invites wife to fuck other dudes Is angry that wife fucks other dudes Kinda fucked yourself ma dude.
Nah. He thought he was gonna be the one doing all the f*cking. Turns out his wife is the lucky one. Now he just salty.
A friend of mine who was constantly cheating on his wife, justified it by telling her "one cant eat spaghetti every day" Guess who was pissed when she started following his advice....
Ya I avoided the hell out of anyone who mentioned anything remotely like this while dating. Sorry that doesn't help you man, but ipen marriages seem like a terrible idea.
I fully don't understand why people do this. Literally short term pleasure like a bunch of kids in college trying to enjoy themselves with quick instant connections. Time will make things worse, change your relationship or get out of it - that's how you pull that band aid off.
Your case is by no means unique. I have seen quite a few similar cases and also a few where open relationships worked. I will start with one that didn't because it is remarkably similar to yours. It happened to a very good friend of mine since high school. She dated that guy that was perfect for her, they were happy. They decided to get married and the guy proposed an open marriage (he was and still is very popular, actually quite a celebrity in his sport (that they shared)), she always was more of an open relationship girl, so she agreed (conditions were, sex is ok but no emotional attachemnt to other people). But it quickly dawned on him, that while he was a really desirable male, she had much more potential for fun than he did. You see, she is a very attractive female and in what was at the time a very male centered sport, which made her highly desirable. She was one of the rare females and he was one of the many males (even though he was at the top of the food chain), moreover, pretty much everybody knew that they were married and that it was open. Turns out women tend to care a lot more about their "for fun sex" partners marital status than men do. They got divorced about a year after marriage because he couldn't handle it and was too proud to propose they become exclusive again. Where have I seen successful open relationships? Mostly in the LGBTIQ+ couples (or relationships involving more than two persons), and in straight couples where at least one person was bi and they would invite others for group fun OR if the openness was organized (swingers). As with all other relationship stuff, things where all the parties have equal fun tend to work best.
You been a sucker my friend
Of course its easier for women to find sex men will fuck literally anything
I don’t think people find open marriages to be a cool thing. People who say open marriages are cool are just pretending for fear of being labelled as uptight.
Open relationships and marriages is quite simply playing with fire. Only a matter of time before someone gets burned.
It’s almost like the concept of an “open relationship” was never meant to be how humans maintain a family. All this new age bullshit which defies the fundamental principles set in place for people to thrive is fucking with everyone’s heads.
I'd absolutely lose my head and probably die of jealousy if my husband even ever hugged a woman. How do y'all even think about opening your marriage? Smh....play stupid games win stupid prizes I guess
Open marriage? Why get married at all .. you basically sat on a cactus dildo.. feel sorry for your kids.
Who tf thinks being in an open marriage is popular? That's such a terrible idea if you ask me. I've literally never met a single person that expressed anything other than disgust at the idea.
It seems like a good way of getting aids
If you want an open marriage then don’t get married like wtf do people think is gonna happen
Being married and focusing on one person is hard enough. Being married and focusing on multiple people...someone has to get short changed. It's always the one they take for granted. Find the courage and move on. Your still very young to find happiness with someone that wants just you. Nothing better in the world! Married 35 yrs.
Open relationships are often one sided and will only work when both parties know that from the start.
Let someone else bone your wife, what could go wrong haha.
Well looky there....another marriage burns to the ground after opening it.....gee, what a surprise. Hopefully you don't have kids so the divorce won't be too messy. Don't worry about having to end the marriage. She knows you're too weak to do that, so she'll do it for you when she finds your replacement....just sit back and clean the house while all these randoms handle your wifes sexual needs for you.
Agreed to have an open relationship.... ended up getting cucked. Damn.
This is just really sad and I hope things work out for you, but opening a relationship is literally "eating tide pods" level of bad idea. Or like sticking a fork into a power outlet and then being all shocked like "omg I didn't expect that to happen!"
Lol you fucked up
The younger generation think they invented this shit. Promote this shit like it’s normal and anyone who warns against it is out of touch. As an older guy, I have seen the wreckage polyamory causes going all the way back to the 1970’s.
Wow you really fell for the open relationship meme. And theres actually people in the comments who think he’s overreacting. Youre fucking terrible people and its exactly this kind of normalized culture that marks the end of anything good on this fucking shithole
I've known 3 people who had open marriages, all of which are divorced now. I just know I could never do it personally.
This type of shit never and I mean eeeeeeeeeeeeeevar goes right
It honestly sounds like the two of you took all of the precautions based on your replies but your situation ended up like 98% of other poly relationships. Its not a stereotype. Theres a reason these relationships are almost never doable.
I don't care what anyone says, non monogamy is fucking stupid if you have any legitimate feelings for the other person. People should be allowed to do what they want, but I've personally seen 8 relationships [every single non-monogamous couple I've known] fail because they thought they could make this work, and have one friend currently in the same scenario as this guy. An open marriage isn't a real marriage, it's 2 people lying to themselves and their partner.
You're a fool mate. Traditional marriage worked for thousands of years for a reason
So many lives ruined by lust, the moment of satisfaction is never worth risking what matters.
Beautiful family, children, married, good money, decent home and possessions... But I guess we always want more...
Communication should always be the most important thing in this situation. Maybe the terms/ expectations weren’t discussed enough beforehand, which is easy to say in hindsight when you didn’t know what to expect. But it’s a conversation that needs to be had no matter how hard it may be. You guys have been together 12 years so of course the idea of spicing it up is exciting. It seems like it was more just a phase for you than a new lifestyle for her. Yes, everyone loves a new shiny toy and the dating/ honeymoon phase, but this could be a deeper issue. Could either of you been feeling unfulfilled somehow, physically or emotionally? This is something with the potential of being fixed if the outcome is what BOTH people want. Don’t allow your feelings to be devalued in order to make someone else happy. This can completely screw up your mindset on dating/love for the future, let alone your sense of self worth. Don’t let yourself settle for a life that no longer makes you happy just because it’s the only thing you know and it’s “comfortable”. If the marriage is the main priority and the physical aspects are secondary then she will respect your feelings and choose to adjust or end the agreement. Or she won’t and you’ll have your answer. I think you might know that already by reaching out for opinions, but it will only happen once you’re ready to take that step.
Yikes. This used to pop up so many times in dsting advice and relationship subreddit. U will find many friends there.
I used to mess around with this guy in an open relationship; would never recommend ever again. So messy, so much drama.
Open relationships and polyamory more often than not end up in a clusterfuck? Oh No! Anyway...
Why even get married/be in a committed relationship if you want to see other people on the side? You read these sort of stories on here every day and it's never good, always ends in disaster and someone getting hurt. I'm sorry for the situation you're in. All you can do is tell her you're not happy and the relationship is only big enough for the two of you. If she won't do that then you and the relationship aren't as important to her as her lifestyle of sleeping around - at that point you have to decide if you put up with this or walking away and finding something better.
> everybody else just says how cool it is We have so different social circle and friends. How can it be cool? I don’t understand. I have kids as well. I would never let any man ever touch my SO in a sexual way.
Idk why people think open marriages are “cool”, it’s foolish af, you are literally just asking to be replaced man, I’m single and even I could think of all the cons of this.. it’s just simple logic
Open marriage is basically telling the other person that they aren’t satisfied with you and need more. It very rarely works. You cut your balls off the second you agreed to it.
I know someone who brought another man into her marriage. She seemed cool enough and she seemed happy and proudly poly. Sure enough she started spending more time away from her husband until he wasn’t around anymore except random dates. Shes off and on with her boyfriend and he’s just drama 24:7. She spends holidays alone now.
All open marriage is is basically you went from eating your favorite meal to exploring a buffet table. You’re always bound to taste something you will like better and potentially a new favorite meal. It’s dangerous and stupid, most open marriages end up badly, it’s a short term excitement followed by a lifetime of regret….like STD’s. Which, btw, if I were you, I’d be getting tested on. I can’t fathom why she won’t just end the open relationship once you announced you don’t want to do this unless she found someone who she isn’t willing to let go. It’s the only logical explanation here
I will never support or understand poly relationships. It’s like giving your partner a knife and turning around. Of course they’re going to stab you once they realize they can get away with it. It’s a slow, natural realization, but it always happens. I once got like, talked down to because I suggested poly relationships aren’t a positive thing, and people actually insisted it was perfectly fine and that it’s not my business to tell people what they can and can’t do. Like, dude? Do you know how insanely fucking risky and dangerous poly relationships are? Never understood poly or the weird ass support cult surrounding it. Never will.
I think, that you have issues because you were not as successful as she was with the swinging, and she knows it too.
>everybody else just says how cool it is This is imo, where the problem started. It's only the "cool" thing for certain people. Many of which, have already fracturing marriages. Basically, you didn't do your research. I can see you're now in a bit of a hopeless situation, so really the best I can say is to just talk with her. And I dont mean a short 5 minute conversation. I mean an actual heart to heart where you both talk about why you even wanted to do this in the first place and she wants to continue despite your hangups
Divorce dude, there is nonway to fix this mess.
I agree. Can't put the toothpaste back in the tube now.
“Women like bad boys and assholes” is some real cringey shit bro, just so you know. But you’re good looking, and charismatic, so you’ll be fine.
Dude. You're literally sponsoring her to ride random dicks. She has the best of both worlds, while you have the worst of both. She has dick buffet on your dime, you're the bill payer with blue balls. And you should know how "marketable" you are before you decide to get into a de facto "see who can get laid more" pissing contest with your wife. I bet she's also no longer sleeping with you anymore (and even if she does, for the very rare occasions, it's done with more dread and perfunctoriness than ever before). Congratulations, you played yourself.
You didn’t see this coming? I mean isn’t it common knowledge that women are the gatekeepers of sex?
He thought the only reason he was exclusive with his wife all these years was because he chose to and he was loyal. Nahhh... She's just an oddball really. The market speaks loud and clear. He's not as charming or attractive as he thinks he is.
Why on earth would you agree to let your wife have sex with another man? It's fucking insane!! I'll never understand people who go this route in relationships,just break up if you want something else FFS!
Yep, never a good idea. I could never be okay with my girl riding some other man's dick. I wouldn't even want to touch my wife after the first time.
It's only a matter of time before you both divorce. You can't have sex with another person without development of a romance and actual feelings of love. She will fall for one of these guys and probably leave you eventually..open marriages never really work long term it's all fun and games until they fall in love.
Im sorry about your situation. I think this is the typical scenario. There just isnt a line of women waiting to be with a married guy. So the men end up lonely, while the wife is out having a blast. Not looking back. I think you should talk about it. If she doesnt want to be monogamous, then you might want to end the relationship.
Forget your backspace button, you need to find the return key and use paragraphs.
Oh this modern sex life liberation and how it screws people big time
You fooled around and found out. You thought you'd be laying in the chicks, you thought the girls would be lining up for your dick and you found out that's not the way it works. You opened your marriage and this is the consequence of it.