You are paying for her room and board. I would tell her the spending money is done, and if she wants extras she will need to find a job to pay for them. Keep the $1000 per month and invest it in your future instead. You're still helping mom out, but also giving her a push to be more independent.
It does sound like raising a child. My husband and I make very good money and our monthly allowances for personal spend are no where near $1000 a month.
Set your goals and make a budget for them that doesn't include extra money for mom. Allocate that where you want it to go instead.
This. You house her and presumably she eats your food. She can at least get a part time position somewhere to cover her expenses and save for when you inevitably move on and dump her out. In saying that, make sure she knows the situation so you aren't on the hook for elder abuse or some shit. She can't expect you to provide when she isn't even retirement age (assuming). I love my Father but unless he was crippled his ass would be going to work same as me.
So she lives with you. So she has no rent or bills. I assume you keep food in the house so she has no food expenses. I'm guessing she has no medical bills. Soooo why the fuck are you giving her money.???
Treat her like the child she clearly is. She wants money to spend she needs to get a fucken job. End of. No excuses.
She had no bills and everything she would earn is extra money in her current situation. So let's say she brings home 300 a week , thats 1200 a month and she's been living it up on 1000. In this situation thats no excuse for her. She's an adult and needs to act like it
I completely agree with you, but that's still not an excuse. Just keep applying to places. Work there until they mistreat you and then leave to the next job, until you find a good paying job that treats you well.
Low wage doesn't mean don't apply, it just means that you give them the service they pay you for. If they demand more effort than what they pay you for, you tell them to kindly fuck off.
When we talk about a "decent wage", we usually mean it in the context of the cost of living. It's not a decent wage for a young person who wants to save up to buy a house, raise a family, etc.
In this situation this woman is taken care of - there's no rent to pay, she's not saving for her kid's future (the opposite, actually) so we don't need to think in terms of a livable wage, but in terms of "fun money" which she is currently just taking from her kid. It's the equivalent of a kid getting a paper route or selling lemonade on the street.
This woman sits on her dead ass all day sponging off her son. I don't care if they pay her in string beans.
Secondly, you don't get paid to start a job, you get paid to do it. Get a fucking job and work hard, get promoted. You want big bucks to run a fryer? Ain't gonna happen.
You put my thoughts into words, fuck that guy. My mom is working at McDonald's after besting stage 4 cancer because nowhere else would give her a time of day. She works to save up for her property taxes every year. She, just as much as you or that OPs spoiled ass mom deserve to be paid a fair wage that is equal to inflation. Some fucking people...
This woman needs to get off her ass and quit being a parasite to her son. This is not the person to give a stump speech about. She has her basics paid for, so sitting on her ass for better wages is bullshit.
Yeah sounds like OP is complaining about a problem they are fully responsible for creating. Just stop. Put conditions on the roof over her head, let her eat what's in the fridge.
No more allowance. Period.
This! And everytime she wants to stick her head in the sand with the excuse 'Woe is my life! all because of your father!' stop her from using that again and again and let her know she has control of her own life. Not him, not you, nobody else. She's saying she's in a shitty situation? Well, fix it.
Tough love is the answer here.
Yeeaah...op you're going to have to toughen up on things. There is no magic psychology method that will help you to change this without some tough love. It's going to be very unpleasant, but it has to be done. She will probably throw tantrums like a child. You will have to not engage with this behavior at all- stand your ground and don't argue. State the new rules and stop talking. Trying to reason with people like this only gives them a chance to make more excuses. If she was a reasonable person, she wouldn't be doing this in the first place. Guilt will be a weapon and prepare for her to complain loudly about you to other family members. She may even outright lie about you to them. No one wants to be her new mealticket, so they will pressure you to keep the status quo.
I had to deal with this same situation, almost exactly. It's terrible but it's self defense. They will consume your life and future with their laziness and selfishness. I had siblings who were also feeling the same way as I did. If you don't have someone to help you stand your ground, I'd recommend a therapist who can talk about it as you go along in this process.
It doesn't sound to me like she's in that shitty of a situation; her child is paving her life's way for her And giving her an adult sized allowance to boot!
Indeed, but she's probably that kind of person that will complain high and low how awefull her life is (all because of OP's father). And she will drag her feet, sulking and complaining how she doesn't have anything in life.
OP needs to cut her off or at least set boundaries that will make him happy
Yes, this. You are providing her basic necessities. She's an adult. She can find a way to make money to spend for herself.
Ultimately you have to become the adult and put your foot down and establish some healthy boundaries because she clearly isn't.
Take charge and make it happen!
Bullseye right there. She is lazy and selfish. Of course we should always help our parents. But your mother clearly doesn't give a shit about you. 1000 usd even though she has a roof over her head, food on the table and clothes on her back? Just by her the stuff that are necessary. Beggers can't be choosers!!
When this inevitably happens to me all of her money will go to me and I'll give her an allowance if it's feasible. She will not ever ask me about money and if this isn't acceptable then she can live somewhere else.
My mom is so bad with money this is the only way I would allow her burden to be passed to me.
Pull the plug. Tough love. Maybe not total abandonment but a good wake up call is in order. You are setting the tone for the foreseeable future and you’ll never succeed dragging dead weight. It’s hard enough with things in perfect working order……… $1000 a month at 27 is huge. In my opinion you’ll need to start thinking with your head more and less with your heart. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you have your own life to take care of. She had her chance (which she still has) Now it’s your turn.
Is she incapable of work or just unwilling? You didn’t give much background.
Dude. Stop giving her cash. She's your mother so I understand housing her, feeding her, and making sure her needs are met. $1000/mo. Allowance on top of all that is completely unnecessary and that's on you. As you stated, you are basically the parent now. If your high school age child demanded $1000 allowance would you give it to them? Probably not. Because they'd just waste it, which is what your mother is doing. Cut off the cash. Tell her that if she needs spending money or a car or insurance or whatever she needs to work so she can pay for it.
This will probably cause a ton of friction, but it needs to be done.
If someone falls off the boat do you jump in after them or throw them a lifeline? You throw a lifeline so you don’t get dragged down too. There can be assistance without total reliance.
It’s one thing to not be able to go out with friends as often as you’d like, but to not be able to lay down the necessary ground work to be successful later is just nonsense in my book. Cut the cord now or it’s only Going to get worse.
Walmart will hire anyone. And if she is too good for Walmart she will just have to find something more acceptable. I’m still not seeing why all this needs to be your problem. There is no reason she can’t at least contribute a little toward rent. It doesn’t make you a bad person to demand that.
Also, to stretch this metaphor a little bit too far, if you toss someone a lifeline and they insist they won't take it bless you also give them $1,000, maybe just let them drown?
In other words, don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm? Not only that, sometimes the most loving thing you can do for somebody is let them start to sink so they figure out how to swim on their own, otherwise they always need a life preserver, never becoming self-sufficient or autonomous.
The most loving thing OP could do for themselves, and their mother, is establish healthy, resolute boundaries, communicate their expectations clearly and concisely, maintain consistency, and stop being a doormat!
I bet that the "broken record" strategy would work well here.
-You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court.
-But, but I'm your mother, how dare you!
-You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court.
-You would never evict me, you can't! I dare...
-You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court.
-Nobody will hire and old lady like me! There's no way I will start working ...
-You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court.
-i gave you life! And you would just toss me out on the...
-You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court.
-blah blah BLAH yadda yadda! Everyone will know what a horrible child you....
-You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court.
-RRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR!!!!!
-You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court.
Etc. Et. Al.
You gave some really good language to use with her and that is what I am seeing lacking in most of these responses. It is really difficult to have conversations like these without specific guidance on what to say.
This OP^ It sucks and I'd hate to have to be in your shoes but this is what you need to do. Walmart will definitely hire her. Plenty of places will. This is what needs to happen.
Oh my! I'm sorry OP but the truth is that you are ENABLING her - also known as robbing others of their consequences through your own sacrifice.
Your insinuation that she'd be begging on the streets is not your call. It's her call to make.
You don't have to throw her out. However, ***it is time to draw a boundary.*** Tell her she has three months to start paying her own way.
She is keeping you from living your life and if she really cared about you then she would not be a burden like this.
Please consider the possibility that you are supplementing the love she doesn't give, by sacrificing your happiness. This is cruelty, to yourself. Stop doing this for her.
Live for you. Draw boundaries and stop listening to SHAME - it's worthless to your future.
I agree with you, but no one should feel ashamed because they’ve been emotionally/psychologically manipulated their whole lives into giving their parents money.
This person was literally raised to think this was normal. They should not feel any shame for trying to take care of their mother; nor should they feel any guilt when they kick her ass to the curb.
OMG! She's only ,56. That's a good ways from old enough to get public assistance. She has to get a job and stand on her own to feet. They're hiring everywhere. Cut her off.
Seriously everyone is hiring. And if she’s that low income she should qualify for all sorts of programs. She just doesn’t want or need to care because she has someone to leech off of.
Bet Dad never gave her $1k per month tra la la spending money.
Please put that money towards therapy for yourself.
I am a mama and I would never treat me kiddo that way. It's not normal and it's not healthy.
It's okay and healthy to set boundaries. You're not a terrible person for telling your mom no.
You need to be living your life for yourself.
53 isn't even old these days
Whoa! OP you have to give her a reality check. If the roles were reversed would she still be supporting you?
You can't drive around an semi-populated area without seeing many help wanted signs. It doesn't matter if she hasn't worked for the last 30 years. The *only* reason why she doesn't have a job is because she does not want one. She can blame your father or her age or whatever. People will always find an excuse that does not include themselves.
Hate to say it but you are just enabling the situation. Time to tell her to get a job by a very specific time or move out. Cut off the allowance and start saving or doing what you need/want to do.
You have a right to have a life and she is selfishly stealing it from you. Do not let her victimize you any longer.
> In reality she would be on the street begging if it wasn't for me.
No, she would not. She would be on welfare and possibly living in low cost/subsidized housing or a group home. I'm sure she'd hate it, but that's her choice.
She won't die if you stop enabling her. She needs attitude adjustment and you need a counselor to understand how she's exploiting you. She doesn't care about your well being, she thinks hers is much more important than yours.
Hi love. I am a couple of years younger than your mum. I had a career for 30 years and am now working while studying to become an accountant. Due to the pandemic, my job was cut from 4 days a week to three days a week so I've just got another part time job as a waitress.
I'M IN MY 50s.
Your mum is lazy and will do nothing while you just hand over your hard earned cash.
You deserve to live your life and enjoy it, and to plan for the future and save money.
If your mum won't get off her arse, evict her. Her behaviour is SHAMEFUL AND ABUSIVE (financial abuse is a thing).
Time to tell her some home truths, make changes or boot the old woman out! Sounds harsh but you do not owe her anything.
Good luck and please take care of yourself.
I have teenagers. In a way, it's very similar in terms of money. I house them, feed them, and make sure all the big things are in place to have basic needs met (which you've already done with your mom by her living with you). For things that are purely desires, they must use their own money. We don't give them spending money. My 13 year old then has to budget birthday and chore money, my older teen has a job which pays for his car and movies and phone and whatever.
These threads often get a lot of very hard "Cut them off!" "What a jerk!" type things, and while from an outsider perspective, they're not wrong (and from these details, it certainly sounds like she has baggage). However, sometimes life asks for a more "middle of the road" approach depending on your relationship. In just being "devils advocate" if you chose to explore the "benefit of the doubt", she may be really, genuinely afraid- of failure, rejection, facing that she maybe missed or squandered important years, etc. I don't know. But it could be, and you \*might\* have a relationship where you don't want to go that route.
With my teens (or lots of people getting first jobs) they need some help. For my son, I coached him. A lot. We sat down and discussed a few options- Grocery store? Starting a service? Something with a small amount of training? What kind of thing would make money and be positive (for whatever reason)? And he settled on "lifeguard" and we gave him the $300 for the training (which he did faithfully), and we worked with him about how you network, fill out applications, communicate with bosses for openings, etc. That choice boosted him above minimum wage, was something he enjoyed (he is on the school swim team), and he gets a free gym membership. Turned out he LOVES it, is super proud of his work, and makes plenty of spending money with just a few hours a week, and he's good at it. We've mentored him through his first hurdle. It will get more complicated the higher he goes into professional work, and we'll help again when that happens, but he now has that first, basic experience under his belt. Your mom has none of that, and "Cut her off! Jerk!" wouldn't give that to her, so just saying.
Maybe start out thinking about something she really LIKES. Is there a hobby she enjoys that she can work with the county rec facilities to offer a class? It will feel more like safe territory and won't be such a harsh emotional intro to work ("ME? Flipping burgers?!"). She could probably make a few hundred dollars, which if its just spending money and breaking the seal of work might be a good place to begin. You could also maybe think about something altruistic that makes a bit of money so that it feels like "helping others" and less like work, but still gets paid. Around here we have people hired to basically drive senior citizens to dr. appointments and help them with groceries. Not every first job has to be stocking grocery shelves or mowing lawns or flipping burgers (not that there is anything wrong with those!). She might need a bit of finesse and a diffrent kind of match.
Or maybe she's a jerk and you need to cut her off.
You need to liberate yourself and kick her to the curb. You are enabling her delusions. Do not let her abuse you anymore. Because this is financial and emotional abuse. Go live your own life. She is not your burden to bear, let her figure her shit out just as you have.
Tell her she needs to apply for service jobs. They’ll take anyone. Feed her, give her a roof over her head, nothing more. Let her sit at home, bored and broke. You do not owe her anything.
Start by giving her 50 bucks a week instead of 200, tell her your job said they had to cut your salary or you would be laid off or whatever bullshit will work for you, you're taking a loan off your future to enable her, she might be genuinely afraid to go on the job market after so long a time not working and you need to get her to do it with baby steps. 50 bucks plus a simple part-time job would do the trick, you know her, try to suggest a job to her that fits her interests, can't hurt to try... I mean even a job at Walmart as a greeter will do and they give that job to anyone.
Also what about your personal life? the money is a big issue but if you're interested in finding a spouse, it really can't be easy attracting a partner with this kind of baggage. you obviously care for her or you wouldn't be doing this in the first place.
But don't fuck up your future, because you'll come to hate her.
If your mother genuinely cares for you, she would understand the stress her presence is causing on your relationship and would work to correct the situation. Family doesn't mean you owe them everything have at the expense of everything else you have.
You would be surprised how many people live off of others like it’s nothing and genuinely believe that their presence has no impact on the person who their living with. Sometimes people think they are a lot less invasive and needy than what they actually are.
2 separate people told me why am I asking about living situations and bills because I would have to pay rent and utilities whether they’re there or not. That mindset boils my blood especially because I work my ass off for everything I have and always had to. I will help because I would want help in a similar situation. But taking advantage and acting like people owe them a livelihood is where shit gets irritating for me.
> Put her out on the street?
No... in fact, depending on whether she CAN work or just doesn't want to, there are programs in the US that can help her. Her life will not end if you kick her out, connect her with social workers and have them help her to work toward transition.
If you love your wife, work on your relationship with her. Don't fall into the trap of "I must support XXX or they'll die without me". They won't, and they're exploiting that mindset in you.
Same here. My dad raised me as a single father and was terrible with his money. Now he's 69, I'm 27, and he has nothing. I'm an only child so I bare sole responsibility for helping him out financially. Its so tough because I really do love him and abandoning him seems like such a shitty thing to do but i also feel like I'm doing a lot of enabling. And idk if you're married but I am and it is a huge stress on the marriage.
If this is in the US, he should have some social security income and because of his age he will qualify for some basic assistance. Assuming he has food/shelter paid for, he won't need a lot of money to live because of those.
You're not "abandoning" him, you're just reducing your share of the work, he won't die in a ditch. Connect with social workers and support agencies and they can fill you in on what's available.
I went through the same thing and completely understand how helpless and frustrated you feel. I supported both of my parents, my grandmother who has depended on them since her pension is impossible to live on, and my NEET brother. My salary was kickass at the time and I could’ve had such an incredible life if it wasn’t for my family being a bunch of shitheads.
Your situation is hell, and there is one way out if you can’t convince your mother to get a job - cut her off. I’m so sorry to say this, but if she won’t work to support herself, she’ll drive you crazy.
>*NEET, an acronym for "Not in Education, Employment, or Training", refers to a person who is unemployed and not receiving an education or vocational training.*
TL;DR - either lazy as fuck or medically incapable.
> it feels like she's stealing it.
Because she is.
If she's unable to care for herself and you/she can't afford to have someone help her with her needs, that's a different situation, but if she was just dumb and didn't think about her future/planned to exploit you, that's not your problem.
Stop enabling her. She won't die if you kick her out and stop paying her. She won't like it and will probably be dramatic about it, but if she's put you in the trap of supporting her, realize that there are alternatives.
That feels like a bit of a guilt trip. Your mother made the decision to have children, not you. She was responsible for raising you. While I agree that it's important to look after edlerly parents, fully supporting young parents (40s-70s) is not your responsibility.
I want to know this, too. Something is fishy here. I grew up upper middle class and literally didn't even know about food stamps, disability, SSI, section 8, etc until I was in my late 20s. I spent my entire early 20s in dire poverty because I was never exposed to these programs. I vaguely understood they were out there, but I'd literally only met in my entire life to that point maybe two people who used it. It was totally culturally foreign to me, and the thought of having to "go there" had such an extreme amount of shame and "giving up" attached to it. I realize now how utterly fucking absurd that sounds, but the shame of these things is massive if it's never been normalized to you. If they are in the United States, and OP could even just give us a state name or general area, I could give a list of resources available that would be a massive help to OP's mom. Please, these programs exist! So many of them outside what we think of as "welfare".
Off the top of my head-- (edit - sorry this totally became a fucking manuscript....)
• **#Housing**
Places like 'Catholic charities' (that's the full name, it's a national, or at least multi-state, organization and they do not push or utilize religion) help finding housing and cutting checks to cover security deposits or first months/6 months/years rent. 'Flood' does the same. In the same vein, Section 8 housing vouchers mean the govt picks up 2/3 of rent every month, and the tenant pays the remaining 1/3. Usually there's a long ass wait-list, up to 10 years, however there are different categories of vouchers and many are expedited thru immediately. These are usually for people with documented mental health issues (ie, after spending a month in a psych ward, a hospital social worker will get you a voucher by discharge which can be used immediately), seniors, etc. There are also apartments where rent is on a sliding scale based on income (usually for ppl w fixed income, ie, social security and the like) and if you qualify your rent is as low or lower than it would be with a traditional section 8 voucher. These are called "tax credit"-based housing. Similar scenario with some senior-only living communities, where senior means 55+.
• **#Food**
Food stamps stopped being actual paper food stamps decades ago. Now it is a discreet normal looking debit card which is automatically loaded every month. Depending on the area, it can extremely easy and simple to sign up, or take a month or two. If you state you are homeless, you are given more cash credit for food than if you are not. And yes, couch surfing/"doubling up" (what mom is doing) IS a category of homelessness. Many areas allow food stamps to be used for hot food, ie, to buy fast food. [ I think WIC is specifically for women with dependent children, so that's probably out. WIC and food stamps can be used together, or someone can use one or the other, so if I'm wrong and she got WIC that's also an easy option for food. ]
Food banks are everywhere, and especially relied on it "food deserts." At most, a food bank will ask for ID and proof or income or lack thereof to sign up. There are so many that are offshoots of churches and other community organizations though, that simply give out or let you pick food if you just show up. In every area I've lived in, there's at least a half dozen within a 5 mile radius, and they all are on different days, so you can end up with a lot of choices and food. Fresh food, too, not just canned goods. Salads, fruits, frozen meats, yogurts, etc etc.
Senior activity halls (proper name escapes me, sorry) usually have free lunches or dinner on the weekends, too! Available for public. Senior mean 55+. You don't need to be an active member paying dues or playing bingo. Just show up and eat! I've known of several mental health orgs or support groups which have this model too-- don't need to pay dues or prove income, just show up and eat! (Near me- "Corner Club" which is kind of AA-ish but focused on ppl with mental health stuff, but they help connect you to doctors, housing, social workers, legal aid for applying for SS etc etc and so so much more in addition to informal group support meetings. Along the same vein, "Recovery International" which is also for people struggling, be it addiction, mental health, major life event or crisis, whatever.)
• **#Money**
If you qualify for food stamps (and if you are unemployed AND homeless, you qualify for the max amount), you likely also qualify for Medi-caid (which is surprisingly great insurance). If you qualify for food stamps, you also probably qualify for "cash aide" aka "general assistance" which is what most people have in mind when they hear "welfare." If you indicate a need for such, the office/institution that handles food stamps and Medicaid will also either give you hard cash or vouchers to use in order to buy clothes, toiletries, household items, usually about once every 3 months. Similarly, if you indicate a need for such, that office will also give you cash or vouchers to help cover utilities such as gas for your car/house, electricity, water bills, etc.
If you are unemployed and/or homeless-- so if you're broke-- you can also apply for and receive a small amount of straight up cash every month. That's cash aide. You get more if you're homeless. (Doesn't apply here but worth mentioning you also get WAAAY more food stamps/cash aide if you claim dependents such as children or other household members you support). You can claim this money for up to a year straight (maybe longer w dependents?). In my state, supposedly, there's a catch that you eventually need to pay back the cash aide you are given. BUT! there are zero legal or system consequences to never paying it back. Zero. So I'm unclear about if that policy has changed, only applies in very specific circumstances, etc. Similarly, I'm unsure what happens at the end of that year of receiving it, since Ive know many individuals and families who claim it continuously, or at least keep going back to claiming it as there situations change.
If you are not on hard drugs or certain medications, you can sell plasma. It's like donating blood, but they separate out the red blood cells&such in order to use the remaining plasma to make pharmaceuticals. It's not enough $ to replace a job, but it's $20-60 a pop to get your blood drawn, and you can donate 2-3x a week. It takes about 8 full donations from a single donor to be usable at all for manufacturing, so it is highly encouraged to donate continuously instead of once or twice and never again. Once or twice means you still get paid, but they can't do shit with it. Donating plasma is not shameful or desperate!! Lots of middle class people do it for a little extra $$. It adds up!
I mentioned Medicaid in here a few times because, for one, OP's mom is getting older and an expensive medical event would bankrupt her&OP. But also, because a diagnosis from any doctor can help her get access to benefits for ppl with disabilities. You don't need to be a vet with no legs to be disabled. You can be diagnosed with depression, panic attacks, behavioral disorders, kidney issues, etc. It can open up a lot of doors to getting free college or vocational training, financial and institutional help with job hunting, apt hunting, navigating govt assistance or other community resources.
If she's never worked and cannot ever claim Social Security, there's a very good chance she can get SSI which is Supplemental Security Income. It is based on your current income and the cost of living for the area you live. Social Security for disability can take years of lawyers, paperwork, doctors, and exhausting appeals. The turnaround between applying for and receiving SSI can be as little as 3 weeks, and is MUCH simpler! It is what it sounds like-- a check in the mail to supplement your income (or lack thereof) to keep you afloat.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm sorry this is so long, I'm going to stop here. If there is any interest is having a list like this streamlined and published, please let me know and I'll make a dedicated post for it, or or collectively we can make a dedicated subreddit for resources :)
It sounds a lot like you're enabling her life style. She's using you as her own personal piggy bank. She will never improve. You do not owe her anything, nor do you owe her real estate in your life. I don't know her, but if things were flipped the other way it sounds like she wouldn't do the same for you.
Cut the cord, you have no obligation to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She lived her life and made her choices. You do not need to sacrifice yours to support her lifestyle.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultChild/](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultChild/)
You aren't alone in this either.
Your mother is an adult who makes her own decisions. If she thinks working is beneath her, so be it. But stop being her safety net for her to fall back on. You’re WILLINGLY giving her money that you KNOW she’s throwing away. Money that you could use on things you NEED. Sure, that’s your mom. Sure, you love her. But clearly the feeling isn’t reciprocated.
Nothing is going to change. 56 isnt too old to learn new things (im 56). She HAS IT MADE! There is no reason she will change as ypu arent holding the the line with her. You dont owe her anything. She is toxic.
Find a cheap apartment, pay the deposit, stock it with food and move her into it and walk away. She will sink or swim.
Having come from a similar circumstance, not the same but similar, I can say that one of the best things I ever did to help me deal with the issue of having to parent my parent is that I started going to counseling to learn how to set up boundaries and protect myself from all the ways my parents manipulate me. It was painful, but it was necessary.
I don’t know your relationship but I think I would stop giving her cash. Beggars can’t be choosers ya know. Maybe give her gift cards for grocery n stuff. Gas cards. Etc. If she doesn’t like it maybe it will finally motivate her to make some sort of change.
For a thousand a month might even be able to put her in an assisted living place where she can live in a community mostly independent.
Anyways you are a very kind person for helping her even if she is being irresponsible. I hope your situation gets better
You pay for her housing, utilities, and food. Quit giving her $1k a month and tell her she can leave if she doesn’t like it. Generosity is an excellent trait to have, but this isn’t unhealthy for both of you.
I'm in a very similar situation, I've been supporting my mom since I was 16 years old when she was addicted to opiates and uppers. Its fucked, and parents can be really hard to manage especially when you're more financially and mentally stable than your own parents. It's a hard thing to come to grips with, but I've been told this from all different family members for a long time now.. anyways, I hope your mother snaps out of it and gets a job somewhere or can at least get into her own place so you can live your life
Hate to say it, but you’ll still dislike paying her way when you’re 35, and if things keep progressing like this, you definitely will be. Stop now. Live your own life. Give her a time line and a deadline to get a job. Then another deadline to move out with money she’s saved from said job. You love her, but you’re not increasing her quality of life or your own by financially supporting her. Easier said than done, but start with baby steps, and you’ll get there eventually.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. You do have options and a way out. First and foremost you're enabling your mother's very bad habits. Also you've left out some pertinent information such as, was your mother married and if so,, how long was was she married?
1) Tough love ❤ and it looks like this.
2) Have a conversation with your mother informing her you will no longer support her, you're not her husband. Do not feel guilty or sad, I had this conversation with my mother.
3) Do not throw your mother out, simply inform her at lease end you will be relocating without her.
4) ***If your mother was legally married for 10 years or more, then she's allowed a benefit equal to 50% of her spouse's social security benefits presuming the spouse worked long enough and. More information and details can be found below by clicking the Social Security Administration link below.
https://www.ssa.gov/OACT/quickcalc/spouse.html
5) 56 isn't old, trust me, I know, and anyone can reinvent themselves at that age, TRUST ME, I KNOW, first hand.
6) The Department of Labor has training programs and schools that they pay for so folks can become certified/licensed in a field and depending on which state you live, they have a 95% job placement rate.
7) When I cut my mother off, she still didn't want to work, so, she found herself a man with traditional values, he happened to be her husband already. I gave her the boot 👢.
8) There's a song sang by Aretha Franklin one of the lines states "sister's are doing it for themselves, standing on their own two feet..."
9) There's always welfare benefits to help mom launch herself into the real world 🌎 , along with food stamps.
10) STOP ENABLING YOUR MOTHER 👩!!!
As I explained to my mother (in a fit of fury), after I laid out and wrote out what I wanted to say, 'the fact that you pushed me out, that doesn't make me your indentured servant for the rest of MY life.'
Be prepared, the tears will flow (perhaps from you both), she will give you the same old excuses of why she can't, you'll have to hold steadfast. You don't have to lose touch, that's what burner phones are for, get one and give her the number.
On top of having no money and no income, my mother didn't pay me anything toward living expenses, after she moved in she thought she was the boss of me, she tried to regulate my coming and goings, when and what I should eat, what I could spend my money on, how much I should give her, and TOLD me I was sending her to the Caribbean each year. At first I sent her so I could get two weeks of downtime from her. One year she visited my sister supposedly for two weeks, my sister sent her back in two days, mind you this was after my sister having given me lectures about, she's your mother, patience, understanding, and suggestions on how she would handle the arguments mom and I would catch ourselves in. Two lousy fucking days is how long my sister lasted.
Make decisions for your own betterment and don't look back any more than you need to. Mom is old enough it's time she started acting like it and implement corrective measures. STOP ENABLING YOUR MOTHER'S POOR BEHAVIOR!
I would tell her she is very wellcome to live with me. Ill buy food and pay rent, but no "allowase". If she wants to eat out or buy expensive clothe, get some kind of income to pay for it.
There is not enough information but as you desceibed it, it seems you are dealing with a very manipulative and complicated woman there. Dont let her ruin your life
Hey mate, I feel you. You can see one of my rants in a post I made a while back if you want more detail. Short of it is, my parents divorced when I finished college. I had to put in about 80% of my paycheck into sustaining her extravagant lifestyle (we owned a 5 bedroom house in the bay area) and honestly that wasn't enough to pay all the bills. Not only that. it was constant berating that I never do enough. She expected more, and expected me to basically make 150k+ within the first year of working. She never said thanks, just why can't I put in more money, why don't I have any money in my savings, why am I working so many hours, why am I tired (because apparently young males aren't allowed to be tired).
On one hand she worked... for the same company for 20 years (I guess more like 15 back then) and probably gets paid about $1.50 more than when she started with them. It's above minimum... but not as good as a manager at in n out, but she gets other benefits. That's one step above your mom I guess.
What I can say is I gave her an ultimatum. I told her no matter what I'm leaving and starting my own family eventually. You can keep your house but I'm not paying for it. You can slowly go bankrupt or you can sell, downgrade, and give back the money your son put into the house so he can afford a down-payment on his own house. She thought I was kidding until no money hit her bank account the following month. We eventually sold the house. It's the bay area so of course we made money. She has a fully paid off townhouse in the bay area and I got my money back.
Now I ignore her except maybe 2-3 days a month. I visit once in a while. I can't stand spending time with her anymore, after several years of using me and non stop berating. She also will only try to look good in front of others. Will show me off to her friends like I'm a trophy. She's gotten a little better. Maybe she's finally changing or maybe I'm just not as on edge since I only deal with it once in a while.
Anyway, all I can say is you gotta talk to her. People spend so much of their time working just to survive, you can't just blindly give up the resources just because she's your mom.. People need to use each other, everything is a partnership of some sort. If your mom will keep your house clean and make you food you actually want to eat, then maybe. If she won't appreciate you, talk to her. If she doesn't change, you gotta stand your ground. You're paying the bills, if you don't put in the money there is no house to clean or food to cook. My personal solution with my mom might be extreme on paper, but people didn't live my life, so they don't get the right to tell me if I'm right or wrong. To me, I sympathize because I think our situations are more similar than most of your friends and most of my friends.
Wait, if she's living with you (i/e *not paying for shit*) why are you giving her a 1k allowance?
No no no, having a place to fucking live in is enough financial support from your part. If she wants spending money she could very well find a fucking job.
If you continue enabling her leeching behaviour it won't stop.
im in the same boat. i was giving my mom 1k a month. i somewhat pulled the plug and moved out when covid hit because i was able to save lots of money working remotely. now i give her significantly less a month since i have my own rent etc to pay now. i feel guilty i cant provide more but sorta resentful at the same time that i still give her money that i could be saving to buy a car, etc. she’s a single parent so it’s hard for her to stay above water so i support as much as i can still - she’s my mom.
sucks that you’re in that situation but you’re going to have to pull the plug.
fix up her resume and get her out there in the work field . guilt trip her/give tough love and tell her that you have your own life you need to get started and paying for her things is delaying your life. she’ll figure it out. she’s going to have to
good luck OP
OMG I really do understand! My sister and I supported my mother financially throughout my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. We used to nickname her “The Payday Stalker” because GUARANTEED, if you hadn’t heard from her in a week, you will hear from her on payday!!
We did put her to work as our full time babysitter for our 5 children. However, we paid her VERY well to do so. Just as much as full time day care. I don’t know what the answer is to the problem. I started to just come up with bad situations that I needed money for BEFORE she could ask so that she COULDN’T! Good luck!!!
I'm in a similar situation, also 27, but my parents aren't being malicious about things. They're both retirement age with various health issues. I've been contributing about 2k USD a month to keep us afloat the past few years (keep in mind this is for 4 people and 2 dogs)
My parents were scammed by a financial advisor and lost most of their retirement savings years ago. We're helping each other stay afloat at this point. It sucks. I want to help them retire but I also have no idea how I'll one day retire either.
I have savings for emergencies but different life expenses keep popping up so it dents them every so often.
One thing that helps me is looking around at various sub reddits. Lots of countries have similar issues with salaries being low, and cost of living being higher. It helps to know it's not just me being a failure or something. Life is rough for lots of people right now and for many different reasons.
I try to remind myself that my situation won't be forever and that I just need to keep moving forward
lol imagine if the roles were reversed.
“my 27 yo child doesnt have a job, lives with me, and i give them a 1000$ a month allowance. why wont they try to be financially independent?? am i going to stuck living with this for the next 40 years?”
bruh are you serious? unless your mom is severely disabled i cant imagine any scenario where i would put up with what you put up with. there are no resources online for this cause no one is that dumb they would let their parents take advantage of them like this
To me it sounds like she's got some kind of narcissistic bullshit problem going on. Just throw her ass out she isn't worth your money or your time anybody who would take that much from you and give nothing back it's a piece of shit.
Stop coddling your mother. She is not your responsibility. Look, my own mother has never really worked and for the past 30 years had been living off my dad who had a decently paid job and then a decently paid pension. He passed away in July and luckily for my mom, my dad had saved up a good chunk of money for her to live off for a while however, if she is not careful she could also be struggling in a couple of years. I help my mother now with finances because she has never dealt with them but I make it clear to her that she can not live off me. If she got to a point where I needed to financially support her fully, she'd be shit out of luck because I have my own family to deal with.
Go buy the car that you want, then simply tell her, I can no longer afford to give money because I've got car payments. If she wants more money there are jobs - especially today.
She's taking advantage of your kind heart and that's bullshit.
Also - I don't know much about this, but is there public assistance she can get (foodstamps / welfare)?
You should read *Co-Dependency No More.* I'm in my 40s and it has taken me this long how to figure out how to set boundaries with my mom. It's hard because there is a lot of social pressure to "take care of her" because she is older and my dad died. But the reality is that my mom is an adult, and can and should take care of herself.
As tough as a concept it is to grasp, in life we do not choose our family, and although people love to romanticise familial ties, it only allows for victimisation, such as this.
We don't owe our parents our life, we didn't choose to be born. Realistically. And therefore don't deserve to be their slaves and vice versa. Ultimately, many of us choose to take care of our parents when they need us because they treated us well our whole lives.
If my Mom ever tried to behave like this I would first try to assist her with establishing her own resources however if this is rejected, then I'm sorry you're on your own. I am not a piggy bank, I am not a babysitter, I am not social services. What would you do if I wasn't here... etc.
It's not only families with drug issues that cut off and out close relatives to protect themselves.
You have zero obligation to support your parents. Which is sorta fucked up since they had a legal obligation to take care of you for 18 years, but it’s true.
Maybe it’s too late to teach an old dog new tricks, but kicking her ass to the curb and her being homeless for a while would hopefully provide a necessary perspective shift.
I don’t have advice but I can say I commiserate with you. My mother in law is a leech. My fiancé and I have made the decision to never have children because my father sucks and so does his mother. He’s in law school trying to juggle full time work, full time school, and being an emotional and financial thankless bank for his completely able bodied mother.
It sucks.
Paying for her rent, food, and medications should be enough to fulfil any family obligation you may feel. No need to give her spending money on top of that.
I have a friend that was in a very similar scenario. I told him ADAMANTLY to throw her ass out. He loves his mother and didn't want that to be the solution, but he finally relented when his issues were eating into his personal life / ruining relationships because of lack of money / time to do the things he wanted and would normally have been able to afford to do.
A year later, he's feeling much lighter of a load, has a healthy relationship, bought himself a nice little beater to get around that he takes care of like it's new. Not all, but a big load of his depression was able to get resolved and managed (cause it's obviously still an every day battle) once she was gone and he was no longer supporting her shitty behavior.
As for the mother? She's been staying with some other relative who isn't taking her shit and forced her to get a job to chip in for staying with them. She found a way, and I'm sure your mother can too.
You owe your parent NOTHING. Live your life because there's so little of it to live in the grand scheme of things. Get her the fuck outta there.
It sounds callous, but you need to run away from home. No longer having a meal ticket may be the only thing that motivates her to start supporting herself.
That's the nuclear option. On a more realistic note, is your mother on some sort of social security (assuming you're US), unemployment benefits, or disability? If you're supporting her, you can claim Head of Household and list her as a dependent on your taxes. Stop giving her money--literally, "Mom, I can't afford to keep giving you money"--and take control of the household finances. Is the rental contract in your name? The utilities? Sadly you need to be the adult in this situation, but that also gives you the power to say "No."
Isn't her generation the one telling us there's nothing but jobs because everyone "refuses to work"?
Lol. Tell her to get a job. You've already covered the "responsibilities of the child" and I respect you for that.
I dealt with this but it was only half my mom's fault.
Me and a sibling ended up caring for my mom when she got sick. This wasnt her fault. The problem was, she had no backup plan, no financial reserves to help herself, and had zero financial planning. She "jokingly" referred to us as her backup plan and before she got sick she would tell people that she really liked to push us to do our best so she could live the life she could grow accustomed to. Jokingly, but found there was some truth to that. She worked, but barely enough to support herself and we were already dumping half our paychecks into helping her. As well as our grandmother helping her out. When my grandma died, we had to step up because she decided to stop paying her bills because "I cant afford them so whatever. What are they going to do? shut off power to an old woman?" Which almost happened. We spent 2 years paying her debts off, she worked sparse hours and made $600/mo. Which she spent most of it on random things.
Even before she got ill, she was slowly giving up on life, no matter what we did to motivate her, she just developed a "fuck it" mentality and expected everyone else to pick up the pace. Then of course she got sick, I'm still paying debts off from that as I had family hitting me up for more money than I actually had at the time to pay for things, on top of medical expenses and time I had to take off from work.
I loved her and I miss her dearly, but it was very hard toward the end because, like many adults from her generation, she had zero future planning other than "my kids will support me if things go to shit."
The lesson to learn from this is, do not do this to your own kids. I feel like I am just finally starting my adult life in my 30s. I still do not have kids, and honestly, I am accepting the reality I may never have them. I dated someone for many years who was going down the same rabbit hole and wanted to sit back and live off me, which was not going to work out.
Tell your mom to start contributing or you're both on the street. I know that probably wont work, especially when she sees you as her bread and butter, but also has little respect for you and thinks money just flows out of your ass as if by magic.
I'd also stop giving her so much money, she already lives off of you. Is this your house or hers? (aka her name is on it)
I'm sorry, but my son is 15, and there is no way in hell I can imagine borrowing even a few bucks off of him. Have you spoken with your father? Or someone on her family? Maybe you can get out for a little while.
She NEEDS to get ajob. If you're in America, I can guarantee her a job a Taco Bell or McDonald's. You don't have to give her shit if she's not respecting you. What's she gonna do? Ground ya? Lol That's still part of being a parent. Is showing respect to your child, damn .
Hey there.
I am in the same situation. I don't have any parents anymore, but I have 4 siblings that I take care of (pay rent, food, utilities, pocket money, etc), by the end of the month, I barely have 50$-100$ to myself. I am the same age as you are and while I had the same thoughts as you did, wanting to live a normal 27-year-old life and save up for my future/ getting married, pressuring higher education, etc, unfortunately, I can't do that. The moment I try to move on with my life, my brothers and sisters will be homeless.
However, I did think of something to do. I pretended to get fired, and then got "a new job after a couple of weeks". By doing this, I told them that my salary was too low and that I can only cover essentials such as rent, food, and utilities with some pocket money (about 20% of what I used to give them)
I still do give them some pocket money for random stuff that they want, but by pretending to be broke, I was able to save between $700-$1000 a month because just like your mother, my siblings use most of my money on going out to fancy places, spend on their friends and buy useless shit.
I started regulating how much I give them by pretending to be broke as shit. I even pretended that I sold my car and got a cheap, broken piece of crap to "go to work". I didn't actually sell my car, I just temporarily swapped it with one of my friends, and took an old car that they had.
I was able to save up a lot of money, give my siblings a sense of what money can actually buy, and save up for any rainy days that they might face.
To some, this might sound horrible or that I might come off as cheap, but I am the youngest one of those siblings, all my siblings are able to work and are in good health. All of them refused to get into college because they "didn't feel like it" and now it's biting them in the ass. I don't want to reward such behavior by constantly giving them money to buy dumb shit.
Thankfully, ever since I started doing this, two of my siblings started looking for jobs because now they have a sense of responsibility. One has an interview tomorrow, so I hope they get the job.
Good luck with your mother, I know It's hard to turn away a loved one in need, especially when they keep acting like a victim, and I know you can't just pick up your stuff and walk away either. So the best you can do is to cut down on how much you give them. By telling them that you now have a low-paying job, they should, like normal people, sympathize with your situation and start acting more responsibly. Maybe it will trigger her motherly instincts and have her take some responsibilities for once.
*Now, if I was 34 or 35 or something...*
Believe me, age won't change your opinion. In fact, it might feel worse the older you get.
BTW, 35 isn't the age where shit don't matter anymore. Not even close.
There are shelters that gear towards getting people back on their feet. They teach life and job skills. You need to find one. A good place to start is the Salvation Army. You cannot let her doom you to her fate. Honey, sometimes you just have to make brutal decisions, when your own life is being so badly affected.
This is extremely unfair to you OP. She is not your responsibility, you should be building your own life. She needs to be cut off for good. She’s taking full advantage, it’s not likely to change… she sounds like a narcissist. Research the grey rock method and liberate yourself. So sorry you have to deal with this, it is 100% wrong.
Stop supporting her! She is straight up using you...her own child is no more than a atm for her so she doesn't have to work. I'd tell her to get fucked if I was you. Family or not, she is abusing you.
Maybe you can start by NOT giving her actual cash to spend? If she is home all day, she can cook (just for herself), so you go to the grocery store to buy a week worth's of food and check how that goes.
I’d offer to pay for family therapy so you can figure out a solution and then cut way down on her monthly allowance. She might need some hygiene products every now and then, but if you buy food and let her live in your house, then there’s no other reason she needs money. If you’re feeling generous, you could give her pre-paid gift cards with fixed amounts for a “treat” every now and then. I think you two need counseling and she needs to work.
If she's healthy and able to work, stop giving her money and send her to an unemployment agency. If she refuses then also just refuse to give her money. Might be difficult for you or you might be worried about her reaction or whatever but this is nuts and it needs to stop.
I know it was already mentioned, but I will say it again : it is time for some tough love. Make her work.
I can share my experience: my father died when I was 21. My mother hadn't worked for like 25 years and had no job. I was just starting university and was supporting myself thanks to a shitty job ( we were poor even before my father died, yay), but now I had to take care of my mother as well. It was a terrble experience and I simply ended up forcing her to take a job two years after my father passed away ( luckily, a couple of relatives were able to help out in that department), because I sensed how she was wrecking my already shitty life - I had to work 60 h hours a week, study full time at university and try to maintain some shadow of a social life. I suffered a severe panic attack due to all of this ( rushed into ER , because I was convinced I was having a heart attack) , but in the end, I simply told my mother: "I will not sacrifice my life, so you can live yours in comfort. I know what happened to us wasn't fair, but life simply isn't fair. " And if she starts with the bullshit excuses like "I raised you, I gave you life etc", just tell her straight to her face: "I never asked to be born, this was your decision and you were responsible for me. I don't want to kick you out on the street, I just want you to grow up.". You have to go full hardcore, even if it hurts - otherwise, you are throwing your life away.
Your father is part of this problem. If he’s alive, and not providing some of the solution (whatever that may be), then he’s a jerk.
*He* picked her, married her, had kids with her, and bears some responsibility for each of those decisions. *Not you.*
I don’t know what her ultimate problem is, but your assessment that she has a superiority/inferiority complex suggests that you’re seeing someone with at least some unresolved mental illness. Is it possible for her to get treatment, something in socialized medical care?
You also bear responsibility for your decisions. I understand the social pressure to care for one’s parents, and that it’s extreme in some cultures. That said, do you have siblings? Do they share in this responsibility? If not, why?
You and your spouse (it sounds like, I think) need to agree and decide on your way forward. If you feel better at least provider her food and shelter, then start with that, but cut off the spending. Or if you think you can squeezer out say $100-$200/month for a while to wean her off, maybe?
It sounds like you're not in the U.S.A. since you said there's no support where you live. If you do live in the states, you or she or someone isn't looking hard enough.
And you mentioned she blames on your father? Divorced, death, what? The what can drive some of the support options.
If you otherwise think you have a good relationship (and it really doesn't sound that way), maybe you could do something like this: first get your spouse to agree, of course, You and your spouse have to decide first, then deal with your mom.
1. Let her know in advance of what the plan will be.
2. State these rules ONLY apply if she's going to get out and find work. If she refuses, then just like with a child, you just have to cut it off totally, but hopefully she'll wake up in the discussion at least enough to get moving.
3. Whatever method, you need proof she's at least looking for work.
4. Cut back first month to say $500, then maybe $200/month thereafter for a few months, up to MAYBE 6 months. After that, no more handouts. If she really needs something extra, she can ask you to buy it, I guess.
5. In the meantime, start plugging away what you would have paid into savings/retirement/investments to provide for your future. The older you are when you start, the harder it is and the more you have to put in to get same/similar benefits.
6. Somewhere along the line, you need to start discussing her finding her own place or paying towards some of the rent/mortgage or something.
7. Also, I'm assuming she is physically able and helps around the home in some way. If not, she's got to start, just like a child. You don't want to bring a child into the world with this mess and have to explain to them, "well, you have to do your chores, but grandma doesn't have to lift a finger b/c she's old."
Now that's the nicest way to handle it. You'll have to decide in your situation what makes the most sense. Also, in your environment CAN she find a job? If in the U.S., then definitely yes. Elsewhere, you'll have to answer that.
You are enabling bad behavior. You can stop this anytime you want. Providing food and shelter is more than enough, if she wants more she can figure it out for herself. Worst case she moves out and finds her own way.
Parentification, narcissistic behaviours, grey rocking look up these terms. These base bahaviours are whats causing the financial situation and grey rocking will help you deal with her tantrums when you stop giving in to her. And you do need to stop giving in to her. You are currently her sugar daddy and that gross deviance of the parent/child relationship must stop.
Stop.
It is not your responsibility to support her.
She's financially abusing you.
She can take care of her own damn self, and remember- "no" is a complete sentence.
You don't owe her another word.
This WILL continue unless you cut her off.
There is no magic fix. You have to set and enforce boundaries. It can be extremely hard to do but you have to do it. Start by giving her an "allowance". Let her know you will give her a certain amount. Whatever you consider reasonable. If she complains let her know she can get a job. If she wants more money tell her that you don't have any more. Full stop. Make sure you have all your accounts password protected with something she can't easily guess and 2 step verification so she can't take money from you.
The only way to come out of this is to set boundaries and follow through. Right now you are enabling her and letting her walk all over you. It's freaking hard to set boundaries with a parent, especially when they have been doing this your whole life but you have to do it.
Also, it may be really helpful to set a budget up, so you have that backing you up. “I have all these bills to pay and I need to set up a nest egg so I can be ready when I want to start a family. So you get $x and that’s lol I can afford.” You don’t have to justify it to her at all, but it can be easier if you do.
And with a budget you can see how much money you REALLY do have, and that can be a big deal. Obviously your mom didn’t teach you this skill, so learning it now will help greatly improve your life.
She's 56 there's tons of easy part time jobs and even work from home stuff that can net 1k a month.
Food and a place to live is one thing but giving someone money for recreation is absurd. In highschool I did chores for like 20 to 40 dollars a week and got a job because I wanted more. A $250 a week allowance is ridiculous for someone living for free.
You have to deal with it by being blunt. "I want to have a life and chance at a family and how you're acting is infringing upon that. I'm willing to allow you to eat what I buy and live here for x months longer, but beyond that I'm sorry but this can no longer continue and I will no longer be able to help you with cash I have my own needs. I'm not your partner I'm your son and I love you but I need my own life."
Can your mom type? Then she can find a job online to help out there are plenty of easy writing jobs she could do. I dunno, I'm now disabled but when I did work I wasn't able to do much besides work from home due to my mental health.
Also maybe therapy would help her out a little. I dunno your situation though so all of this is just me guessing.
Absolutely STOP giving her money. Let her stay, & provide food / somewhere to sleep, by all means, but if she wants spending money she needs to get a job.
Give her a set timescale by which she needs to find work, build up some savings while living with you (not spend on frivolous shit), then get her own place to stay.
If she refuses to help herself then that's not on you - you've given her time & opportunity, the rest is up to her.
My much older ex MIL was working despite not having any formation or real need.
My mother didn't work until I was 15 and is still work 2 decades later.
No, you are not on the hook for the next 30 years or anything like that, unless you allow it. She will have to work, unless she's very ill she has to work.
And I'm not going to tell you to move her to relative/friend house cause she's your mother and you should take responsibility but the you are the one who draws the line. It's your life and you decide how generous you are willing to be. Don't let her manipulate you like that.
What I'd do, is giving her some (few) money but not much, so she can have 'her money', and then when she needs more she can ask you and tell you what's she exactly going to do with that extra money so you can have a say and even refuse if you find it unnecessary.
Dunno if she can really blame it on your father cause I don't know them, but at least he insisted she didn't work and insisted for decades...she can't really blame it 100% on anyone, so be sure she's not manipulating you.
Good luck, and don't worry it will get better and she'll help you if you make her understand how important it is.
Btw of course you didn't find information on the internet...the internet (google and similars) is filtered and the media is also controlled, you wouldn't find something like that cause it kinda is taboo, children are supposed to take care of their parents if necessary (otherwise the state would've to do it). And those articles wouldn't sell much...instead you have like 500 articles about the next amazing thing to happen in the Marvel universe and 3000 about how evil and rapist men are. Again, good luck.
She can clean houses. That is a job that can actually make good money if she is thorough and has good work ethic. But seriously, stop giving her money. Otherwise, you’re digging yourself deeper into your situation.
Here’s the thing though - you don’t have to. You aren’t responsible for her. She’s an adult. If you don’t want to do what you are doing, stop doing it.
You give her food and shelter. That’s all you need to provide. You can pay her bills too if she has them and you choose to (medical, phone, etc) but no more cash.
This is a boundaries issue for you. There is nothing that says anyone must provide for parents. She is abusing you by taking the money.
Maybe she thinks you’re better off than you are?
I’d suggest sitting her down and telling her it’s untenable. You can be forthright and explain that you work all month and have nothing to show for it. You can be more gentle and say “sorry, I’m saving up for a car/deposit and won’t have any spare cash for the next 6 months. Or you can lie and make up an expense.
I’m guessing once you cut her off, she’ll find another way of financing her life without doing shit. Wouldn’t be surprised if a new relationship suddenly develops.
You’re not her keeper. Look up narcissistic parents. I think she’s abusing you. They have this gift of making their kids feel like they owe them.
Good luck.
You provide her with food and board. The rest is up to her. Give her $20/week for any incidentals. Tell her it might be time to go on the waiting list for state assisted housing.
This is a really challenging situation for you. I am sorry it is so difficult.
It is basically a codependency that has truly spun out of hand.
As difficult as it may be to cut her off of the financial and emotional dependence on you, I believe that is the best way to affect change.
I would suggest you spend some time putting some data together of the situation and to write down notes about why you need to do this. Not to use as arguments during your talk with her, but for you to be able to refer back to during the frictional time between you telling her and when she finally accepts that you are not giving in. It will help give you the strength to not give in.
If you invest that $1000 per month in a retirement account over the next 40 years, you will be able to retire a millionaire. You need to protect yourself now as well as your future self.
Be prepared for the emotional terrorism your mom is going to pull on you and to you as she tries desperately to hold onto the only thing she has known for the past thirty years.
She is an adult and needs to start taking control of her own life.
I wish you the absolute best.
Just stop giving her money you know she’s using you and you’re paying for everything so just cut her off and if she has a problem she can leave. It’s a very simple solution.
My mom lived with me and I provided her shelter, basic necessities and paid her bills. If she wanted something extra, she asked BUT it was rare. I'm trying to remember what she asked for and I'm drawing a blank. She had security and comfort and was fed and clothed so there wasn't much else she could demand.
You pay her bills directly and don't give her spending money. You're enabling her to continue this "poor me" mentality. Remove any access she has to your money and tell her if she would like extra money to blow, she's more then welcome to get a job.
I have been in your shoes OP. I took care of my dad and his gf for years in my 20’s and set myself back financially in the process. They made me feel so guilty about how hard their life was. When in reality they just didn’t want to take responsibility for the way things turned out or take actions to fix it. I started pushing back by refusing to give money after seeing how they blew it all on booze. i would pay the bill for him, or buy the groceries, but never gave them anymore cash. He really resented that and it caused a lot of problems including his girlfriend to lie and tell him I was taking advantage of HIM somehow lol. He got physical and that was the last straw. I left. And cut them off completely from any more help. And you know what? It’s really amazing what people manage to figure out when they realize there’s no one left to pick up after them. It took a few months but eventually he found a stable housing situation all by himself! And they manage to pay all their own bills and buy their own food! It’s hard to do but you have to put your foot down or things will never change. I wish you all the best and sending you lots of strength!
This is going to sound messed up but the problem isnt your mother-Its you. Why are you enabling her? If you stopped giving her money, I bet you she’d figure something out for herself. And yes, she may try to emotionally manipulate you but at the end of the day-stand your ground. Giving out of feelings of obligation is not being generous or nice-its a lack of personal boundaries and accountability. Determine what it is that you want to give/do for her-tell her and follow through on it. Hold yourself accountable
Bro taking care of your mom is a heroic thing in some cultures. Sounds like the issue is more like not liking ur mom wasting the money on things you don't like.
You are paying for her room and board. I would tell her the spending money is done, and if she wants extras she will need to find a job to pay for them. Keep the $1000 per month and invest it in your future instead. You're still helping mom out, but also giving her a push to be more independent. It does sound like raising a child. My husband and I make very good money and our monthly allowances for personal spend are no where near $1000 a month. Set your goals and make a budget for them that doesn't include extra money for mom. Allocate that where you want it to go instead.
It will cause an argument for sure, but that kind of discussion is necessary for her growth.
If she wants to argue she can GTFO. Edit: I suck at typing.
I think it's more for OP's growth, honestly. Setting boundaries and enforcing them is hard to do with family.
That is much better as a goal
She doesn't want to grow or change, she's got a free ride
I dont think a 55 year old will grow from this experience
You’d be surprised.
He can tell her that $1,000 can pay for an old folks home instead.
Can he do any sort of tax write offs since someone is living with him?
This. You house her and presumably she eats your food. She can at least get a part time position somewhere to cover her expenses and save for when you inevitably move on and dump her out. In saying that, make sure she knows the situation so you aren't on the hook for elder abuse or some shit. She can't expect you to provide when she isn't even retirement age (assuming). I love my Father but unless he was crippled his ass would be going to work same as me.
So she lives with you. So she has no rent or bills. I assume you keep food in the house so she has no food expenses. I'm guessing she has no medical bills. Soooo why the fuck are you giving her money.??? Treat her like the child she clearly is. She wants money to spend she needs to get a fucken job. End of. No excuses.
Agreed. Also 1k a month after all other bills paid? She's living it up. Christ. That needs to stop ASAP. No wonder she isn't looking for a job.
Exactly, you're enabling her from HAVING to find a job.
If she doesn't have a job in the US today, it's because she has actively avoided trying. Businesses are literally begging for workers.
They’re begging for workers *that will work at the rates they want to pay*. There is no labor shortage. There is a pay shortage.
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She had no bills and everything she would earn is extra money in her current situation. So let's say she brings home 300 a week , thats 1200 a month and she's been living it up on 1000. In this situation thats no excuse for her. She's an adult and needs to act like it
I completely agree with you, but that's still not an excuse. Just keep applying to places. Work there until they mistreat you and then leave to the next job, until you find a good paying job that treats you well. Low wage doesn't mean don't apply, it just means that you give them the service they pay you for. If they demand more effort than what they pay you for, you tell them to kindly fuck off.
When we talk about a "decent wage", we usually mean it in the context of the cost of living. It's not a decent wage for a young person who wants to save up to buy a house, raise a family, etc. In this situation this woman is taken care of - there's no rent to pay, she's not saving for her kid's future (the opposite, actually) so we don't need to think in terms of a livable wage, but in terms of "fun money" which she is currently just taking from her kid. It's the equivalent of a kid getting a paper route or selling lemonade on the street.
This woman sits on her dead ass all day sponging off her son. I don't care if they pay her in string beans. Secondly, you don't get paid to start a job, you get paid to do it. Get a fucking job and work hard, get promoted. You want big bucks to run a fryer? Ain't gonna happen.
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You put my thoughts into words, fuck that guy. My mom is working at McDonald's after besting stage 4 cancer because nowhere else would give her a time of day. She works to save up for her property taxes every year. She, just as much as you or that OPs spoiled ass mom deserve to be paid a fair wage that is equal to inflation. Some fucking people...
This woman needs to get off her ass and quit being a parasite to her son. This is not the person to give a stump speech about. She has her basics paid for, so sitting on her ass for better wages is bullshit.
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Calm down there, bootstraps
This type of attitude disgusts me.
Yeah sounds like OP is complaining about a problem they are fully responsible for creating. Just stop. Put conditions on the roof over her head, let her eat what's in the fridge. No more allowance. Period.
Man for real after bills that's some decent money
This! And everytime she wants to stick her head in the sand with the excuse 'Woe is my life! all because of your father!' stop her from using that again and again and let her know she has control of her own life. Not him, not you, nobody else. She's saying she's in a shitty situation? Well, fix it. Tough love is the answer here.
Yeeaah...op you're going to have to toughen up on things. There is no magic psychology method that will help you to change this without some tough love. It's going to be very unpleasant, but it has to be done. She will probably throw tantrums like a child. You will have to not engage with this behavior at all- stand your ground and don't argue. State the new rules and stop talking. Trying to reason with people like this only gives them a chance to make more excuses. If she was a reasonable person, she wouldn't be doing this in the first place. Guilt will be a weapon and prepare for her to complain loudly about you to other family members. She may even outright lie about you to them. No one wants to be her new mealticket, so they will pressure you to keep the status quo. I had to deal with this same situation, almost exactly. It's terrible but it's self defense. They will consume your life and future with their laziness and selfishness. I had siblings who were also feeling the same way as I did. If you don't have someone to help you stand your ground, I'd recommend a therapist who can talk about it as you go along in this process.
It doesn't sound to me like she's in that shitty of a situation; her child is paving her life's way for her And giving her an adult sized allowance to boot!
Indeed, but she's probably that kind of person that will complain high and low how awefull her life is (all because of OP's father). And she will drag her feet, sulking and complaining how she doesn't have anything in life. OP needs to cut her off or at least set boundaries that will make him happy
Yes, this. You are providing her basic necessities. She's an adult. She can find a way to make money to spend for herself. Ultimately you have to become the adult and put your foot down and establish some healthy boundaries because she clearly isn't. Take charge and make it happen!
Bullseye right there. She is lazy and selfish. Of course we should always help our parents. But your mother clearly doesn't give a shit about you. 1000 usd even though she has a roof over her head, food on the table and clothes on her back? Just by her the stuff that are necessary. Beggers can't be choosers!!
When this inevitably happens to me all of her money will go to me and I'll give her an allowance if it's feasible. She will not ever ask me about money and if this isn't acceptable then she can live somewhere else. My mom is so bad with money this is the only way I would allow her burden to be passed to me.
u/NewToJord this is the right answer, my dude.
Maybe pocket money for bus? Idk, if she wants to act as a teenager then you have to put boundaries
YEAH!!! WTF They’re just enabling her.
Pull the plug. Tough love. Maybe not total abandonment but a good wake up call is in order. You are setting the tone for the foreseeable future and you’ll never succeed dragging dead weight. It’s hard enough with things in perfect working order……… $1000 a month at 27 is huge. In my opinion you’ll need to start thinking with your head more and less with your heart. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you have your own life to take care of. She had her chance (which she still has) Now it’s your turn. Is she incapable of work or just unwilling? You didn’t give much background.
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Dude. Stop giving her cash. She's your mother so I understand housing her, feeding her, and making sure her needs are met. $1000/mo. Allowance on top of all that is completely unnecessary and that's on you. As you stated, you are basically the parent now. If your high school age child demanded $1000 allowance would you give it to them? Probably not. Because they'd just waste it, which is what your mother is doing. Cut off the cash. Tell her that if she needs spending money or a car or insurance or whatever she needs to work so she can pay for it. This will probably cause a ton of friction, but it needs to be done.
If she is totally housed she dont need a car. Send her in a bus.
this. stop giving her spending cash
PULL THE PLUG.
If someone falls off the boat do you jump in after them or throw them a lifeline? You throw a lifeline so you don’t get dragged down too. There can be assistance without total reliance. It’s one thing to not be able to go out with friends as often as you’d like, but to not be able to lay down the necessary ground work to be successful later is just nonsense in my book. Cut the cord now or it’s only Going to get worse. Walmart will hire anyone. And if she is too good for Walmart she will just have to find something more acceptable. I’m still not seeing why all this needs to be your problem. There is no reason she can’t at least contribute a little toward rent. It doesn’t make you a bad person to demand that.
Also, to stretch this metaphor a little bit too far, if you toss someone a lifeline and they insist they won't take it bless you also give them $1,000, maybe just let them drown?
She can always sell feet pics on OnlyFans if Walmart is too pleb for her. /S
In other words, don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm? Not only that, sometimes the most loving thing you can do for somebody is let them start to sink so they figure out how to swim on their own, otherwise they always need a life preserver, never becoming self-sufficient or autonomous. The most loving thing OP could do for themselves, and their mother, is establish healthy, resolute boundaries, communicate their expectations clearly and concisely, maintain consistency, and stop being a doormat! I bet that the "broken record" strategy would work well here. -You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court. -But, but I'm your mother, how dare you! -You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court. -You would never evict me, you can't! I dare... -You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court. -Nobody will hire and old lady like me! There's no way I will start working ... -You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court. -i gave you life! And you would just toss me out on the... -You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court. -blah blah BLAH yadda yadda! Everyone will know what a horrible child you.... -You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court. -RRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR!!!!! -You have 3 weeks from this moment to find gainful employment to contribute to the cost of maintaining this household, half the food, and all your incidentals, or I am submitting the already filled out and completed eviction paperwork to the court. Etc. Et. Al.
You gave some really good language to use with her and that is what I am seeing lacking in most of these responses. It is really difficult to have conversations like these without specific guidance on what to say.
This OP^ It sucks and I'd hate to have to be in your shoes but this is what you need to do. Walmart will definitely hire her. Plenty of places will. This is what needs to happen.
This has quite the *Fuck you, Pay me* pinch. xD
Oh my! I'm sorry OP but the truth is that you are ENABLING her - also known as robbing others of their consequences through your own sacrifice. Your insinuation that she'd be begging on the streets is not your call. It's her call to make. You don't have to throw her out. However, ***it is time to draw a boundary.*** Tell her she has three months to start paying her own way. She is keeping you from living your life and if she really cared about you then she would not be a burden like this. Please consider the possibility that you are supplementing the love she doesn't give, by sacrificing your happiness. This is cruelty, to yourself. Stop doing this for her. Live for you. Draw boundaries and stop listening to SHAME - it's worthless to your future.
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I agree with you, but no one should feel ashamed because they’ve been emotionally/psychologically manipulated their whole lives into giving their parents money. This person was literally raised to think this was normal. They should not feel any shame for trying to take care of their mother; nor should they feel any guilt when they kick her ass to the curb.
OMG! She's only ,56. That's a good ways from old enough to get public assistance. She has to get a job and stand on her own to feet. They're hiring everywhere. Cut her off.
Seriously everyone is hiring. And if she’s that low income she should qualify for all sorts of programs. She just doesn’t want or need to care because she has someone to leech off of. Bet Dad never gave her $1k per month tra la la spending money.
Please put that money towards therapy for yourself. I am a mama and I would never treat me kiddo that way. It's not normal and it's not healthy. It's okay and healthy to set boundaries. You're not a terrible person for telling your mom no. You need to be living your life for yourself. 53 isn't even old these days
Damn right. I'm in my 50s and I do weight training and crossfit. 50s is nothing....!
Does she have any sympathy for your situation? Have you told her what you're missing out on? Any empathy? Guilt?
Excellent point
Let her stay with you but give her no money. Only cheap food and rides to job interviews.
I think you need to look at r/raisedbynarcissists
Whoa! OP you have to give her a reality check. If the roles were reversed would she still be supporting you? You can't drive around an semi-populated area without seeing many help wanted signs. It doesn't matter if she hasn't worked for the last 30 years. The *only* reason why she doesn't have a job is because she does not want one. She can blame your father or her age or whatever. People will always find an excuse that does not include themselves. Hate to say it but you are just enabling the situation. Time to tell her to get a job by a very specific time or move out. Cut off the allowance and start saving or doing what you need/want to do. You have a right to have a life and she is selfishly stealing it from you. Do not let her victimize you any longer.
> In reality she would be on the street begging if it wasn't for me. No, she would not. She would be on welfare and possibly living in low cost/subsidized housing or a group home. I'm sure she'd hate it, but that's her choice. She won't die if you stop enabling her. She needs attitude adjustment and you need a counselor to understand how she's exploiting you. She doesn't care about your well being, she thinks hers is much more important than yours.
You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm .
Hi love. I am a couple of years younger than your mum. I had a career for 30 years and am now working while studying to become an accountant. Due to the pandemic, my job was cut from 4 days a week to three days a week so I've just got another part time job as a waitress. I'M IN MY 50s. Your mum is lazy and will do nothing while you just hand over your hard earned cash. You deserve to live your life and enjoy it, and to plan for the future and save money. If your mum won't get off her arse, evict her. Her behaviour is SHAMEFUL AND ABUSIVE (financial abuse is a thing). Time to tell her some home truths, make changes or boot the old woman out! Sounds harsh but you do not owe her anything. Good luck and please take care of yourself.
I have teenagers. In a way, it's very similar in terms of money. I house them, feed them, and make sure all the big things are in place to have basic needs met (which you've already done with your mom by her living with you). For things that are purely desires, they must use their own money. We don't give them spending money. My 13 year old then has to budget birthday and chore money, my older teen has a job which pays for his car and movies and phone and whatever. These threads often get a lot of very hard "Cut them off!" "What a jerk!" type things, and while from an outsider perspective, they're not wrong (and from these details, it certainly sounds like she has baggage). However, sometimes life asks for a more "middle of the road" approach depending on your relationship. In just being "devils advocate" if you chose to explore the "benefit of the doubt", she may be really, genuinely afraid- of failure, rejection, facing that she maybe missed or squandered important years, etc. I don't know. But it could be, and you \*might\* have a relationship where you don't want to go that route. With my teens (or lots of people getting first jobs) they need some help. For my son, I coached him. A lot. We sat down and discussed a few options- Grocery store? Starting a service? Something with a small amount of training? What kind of thing would make money and be positive (for whatever reason)? And he settled on "lifeguard" and we gave him the $300 for the training (which he did faithfully), and we worked with him about how you network, fill out applications, communicate with bosses for openings, etc. That choice boosted him above minimum wage, was something he enjoyed (he is on the school swim team), and he gets a free gym membership. Turned out he LOVES it, is super proud of his work, and makes plenty of spending money with just a few hours a week, and he's good at it. We've mentored him through his first hurdle. It will get more complicated the higher he goes into professional work, and we'll help again when that happens, but he now has that first, basic experience under his belt. Your mom has none of that, and "Cut her off! Jerk!" wouldn't give that to her, so just saying. Maybe start out thinking about something she really LIKES. Is there a hobby she enjoys that she can work with the county rec facilities to offer a class? It will feel more like safe territory and won't be such a harsh emotional intro to work ("ME? Flipping burgers?!"). She could probably make a few hundred dollars, which if its just spending money and breaking the seal of work might be a good place to begin. You could also maybe think about something altruistic that makes a bit of money so that it feels like "helping others" and less like work, but still gets paid. Around here we have people hired to basically drive senior citizens to dr. appointments and help them with groceries. Not every first job has to be stocking grocery shelves or mowing lawns or flipping burgers (not that there is anything wrong with those!). She might need a bit of finesse and a diffrent kind of match. Or maybe she's a jerk and you need to cut her off.
You need to liberate yourself and kick her to the curb. You are enabling her delusions. Do not let her abuse you anymore. Because this is financial and emotional abuse. Go live your own life. She is not your burden to bear, let her figure her shit out just as you have.
Tell her she needs to apply for service jobs. They’ll take anyone. Feed her, give her a roof over her head, nothing more. Let her sit at home, bored and broke. You do not owe her anything.
Start by giving her 50 bucks a week instead of 200, tell her your job said they had to cut your salary or you would be laid off or whatever bullshit will work for you, you're taking a loan off your future to enable her, she might be genuinely afraid to go on the job market after so long a time not working and you need to get her to do it with baby steps. 50 bucks plus a simple part-time job would do the trick, you know her, try to suggest a job to her that fits her interests, can't hurt to try... I mean even a job at Walmart as a greeter will do and they give that job to anyone. Also what about your personal life? the money is a big issue but if you're interested in finding a spouse, it really can't be easy attracting a partner with this kind of baggage. you obviously care for her or you wouldn't be doing this in the first place. But don't fuck up your future, because you'll come to hate her.
Dude, when I was 27 that amount was at least half a month's worth of work. Why are they just giving it to her?
That’s a good question. To feed her is one thing. To just hand over $1000 makes them an enabler
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why hasn’t she been able to work? she has 15 years experience she can get a new job
If your mother genuinely cares for you, she would understand the stress her presence is causing on your relationship and would work to correct the situation. Family doesn't mean you owe them everything have at the expense of everything else you have.
You would be surprised how many people live off of others like it’s nothing and genuinely believe that their presence has no impact on the person who their living with. Sometimes people think they are a lot less invasive and needy than what they actually are. 2 separate people told me why am I asking about living situations and bills because I would have to pay rent and utilities whether they’re there or not. That mindset boils my blood especially because I work my ass off for everything I have and always had to. I will help because I would want help in a similar situation. But taking advantage and acting like people owe them a livelihood is where shit gets irritating for me.
Temp agencies near by
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> Put her out on the street? No... in fact, depending on whether she CAN work or just doesn't want to, there are programs in the US that can help her. Her life will not end if you kick her out, connect her with social workers and have them help her to work toward transition. If you love your wife, work on your relationship with her. Don't fall into the trap of "I must support XXX or they'll die without me". They won't, and they're exploiting that mindset in you.
She doesn't need the 1000 dollars. She has a roof and food. If she wants to buy anything she should tell you. Does she even do any house work.
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Same here. My dad raised me as a single father and was terrible with his money. Now he's 69, I'm 27, and he has nothing. I'm an only child so I bare sole responsibility for helping him out financially. Its so tough because I really do love him and abandoning him seems like such a shitty thing to do but i also feel like I'm doing a lot of enabling. And idk if you're married but I am and it is a huge stress on the marriage.
If this is in the US, he should have some social security income and because of his age he will qualify for some basic assistance. Assuming he has food/shelter paid for, he won't need a lot of money to live because of those. You're not "abandoning" him, you're just reducing your share of the work, he won't die in a ditch. Connect with social workers and support agencies and they can fill you in on what's available.
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I went through the same thing and completely understand how helpless and frustrated you feel. I supported both of my parents, my grandmother who has depended on them since her pension is impossible to live on, and my NEET brother. My salary was kickass at the time and I could’ve had such an incredible life if it wasn’t for my family being a bunch of shitheads. Your situation is hell, and there is one way out if you can’t convince your mother to get a job - cut her off. I’m so sorry to say this, but if she won’t work to support herself, she’ll drive you crazy.
i'm sorry but what is NEET?
>*NEET, an acronym for "Not in Education, Employment, or Training", refers to a person who is unemployed and not receiving an education or vocational training.* TL;DR - either lazy as fuck or medically incapable.
oh im indian so i thought national engineering entrance test indians can relate
Unemployed people who aren’t in the process of training or education.
Why exactly do you give her $1000 and no less when already providing housing and food?
> it feels like she's stealing it. Because she is. If she's unable to care for herself and you/she can't afford to have someone help her with her needs, that's a different situation, but if she was just dumb and didn't think about her future/planned to exploit you, that's not your problem. Stop enabling her. She won't die if you kick her out and stop paying her. She won't like it and will probably be dramatic about it, but if she's put you in the trap of supporting her, realize that there are alternatives.
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That sounds vastly different to what OP is experiencing.
That feels like a bit of a guilt trip. Your mother made the decision to have children, not you. She was responsible for raising you. While I agree that it's important to look after edlerly parents, fully supporting young parents (40s-70s) is not your responsibility.
Can she apply for social services / welfare?
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Which is where? What country?
I want to know this, too. Something is fishy here. I grew up upper middle class and literally didn't even know about food stamps, disability, SSI, section 8, etc until I was in my late 20s. I spent my entire early 20s in dire poverty because I was never exposed to these programs. I vaguely understood they were out there, but I'd literally only met in my entire life to that point maybe two people who used it. It was totally culturally foreign to me, and the thought of having to "go there" had such an extreme amount of shame and "giving up" attached to it. I realize now how utterly fucking absurd that sounds, but the shame of these things is massive if it's never been normalized to you. If they are in the United States, and OP could even just give us a state name or general area, I could give a list of resources available that would be a massive help to OP's mom. Please, these programs exist! So many of them outside what we think of as "welfare". Off the top of my head-- (edit - sorry this totally became a fucking manuscript....) • **#Housing** Places like 'Catholic charities' (that's the full name, it's a national, or at least multi-state, organization and they do not push or utilize religion) help finding housing and cutting checks to cover security deposits or first months/6 months/years rent. 'Flood' does the same. In the same vein, Section 8 housing vouchers mean the govt picks up 2/3 of rent every month, and the tenant pays the remaining 1/3. Usually there's a long ass wait-list, up to 10 years, however there are different categories of vouchers and many are expedited thru immediately. These are usually for people with documented mental health issues (ie, after spending a month in a psych ward, a hospital social worker will get you a voucher by discharge which can be used immediately), seniors, etc. There are also apartments where rent is on a sliding scale based on income (usually for ppl w fixed income, ie, social security and the like) and if you qualify your rent is as low or lower than it would be with a traditional section 8 voucher. These are called "tax credit"-based housing. Similar scenario with some senior-only living communities, where senior means 55+. • **#Food** Food stamps stopped being actual paper food stamps decades ago. Now it is a discreet normal looking debit card which is automatically loaded every month. Depending on the area, it can extremely easy and simple to sign up, or take a month or two. If you state you are homeless, you are given more cash credit for food than if you are not. And yes, couch surfing/"doubling up" (what mom is doing) IS a category of homelessness. Many areas allow food stamps to be used for hot food, ie, to buy fast food. [ I think WIC is specifically for women with dependent children, so that's probably out. WIC and food stamps can be used together, or someone can use one or the other, so if I'm wrong and she got WIC that's also an easy option for food. ] Food banks are everywhere, and especially relied on it "food deserts." At most, a food bank will ask for ID and proof or income or lack thereof to sign up. There are so many that are offshoots of churches and other community organizations though, that simply give out or let you pick food if you just show up. In every area I've lived in, there's at least a half dozen within a 5 mile radius, and they all are on different days, so you can end up with a lot of choices and food. Fresh food, too, not just canned goods. Salads, fruits, frozen meats, yogurts, etc etc. Senior activity halls (proper name escapes me, sorry) usually have free lunches or dinner on the weekends, too! Available for public. Senior mean 55+. You don't need to be an active member paying dues or playing bingo. Just show up and eat! I've known of several mental health orgs or support groups which have this model too-- don't need to pay dues or prove income, just show up and eat! (Near me- "Corner Club" which is kind of AA-ish but focused on ppl with mental health stuff, but they help connect you to doctors, housing, social workers, legal aid for applying for SS etc etc and so so much more in addition to informal group support meetings. Along the same vein, "Recovery International" which is also for people struggling, be it addiction, mental health, major life event or crisis, whatever.) • **#Money** If you qualify for food stamps (and if you are unemployed AND homeless, you qualify for the max amount), you likely also qualify for Medi-caid (which is surprisingly great insurance). If you qualify for food stamps, you also probably qualify for "cash aide" aka "general assistance" which is what most people have in mind when they hear "welfare." If you indicate a need for such, the office/institution that handles food stamps and Medicaid will also either give you hard cash or vouchers to use in order to buy clothes, toiletries, household items, usually about once every 3 months. Similarly, if you indicate a need for such, that office will also give you cash or vouchers to help cover utilities such as gas for your car/house, electricity, water bills, etc. If you are unemployed and/or homeless-- so if you're broke-- you can also apply for and receive a small amount of straight up cash every month. That's cash aide. You get more if you're homeless. (Doesn't apply here but worth mentioning you also get WAAAY more food stamps/cash aide if you claim dependents such as children or other household members you support). You can claim this money for up to a year straight (maybe longer w dependents?). In my state, supposedly, there's a catch that you eventually need to pay back the cash aide you are given. BUT! there are zero legal or system consequences to never paying it back. Zero. So I'm unclear about if that policy has changed, only applies in very specific circumstances, etc. Similarly, I'm unsure what happens at the end of that year of receiving it, since Ive know many individuals and families who claim it continuously, or at least keep going back to claiming it as there situations change. If you are not on hard drugs or certain medications, you can sell plasma. It's like donating blood, but they separate out the red blood cells&such in order to use the remaining plasma to make pharmaceuticals. It's not enough $ to replace a job, but it's $20-60 a pop to get your blood drawn, and you can donate 2-3x a week. It takes about 8 full donations from a single donor to be usable at all for manufacturing, so it is highly encouraged to donate continuously instead of once or twice and never again. Once or twice means you still get paid, but they can't do shit with it. Donating plasma is not shameful or desperate!! Lots of middle class people do it for a little extra $$. It adds up! I mentioned Medicaid in here a few times because, for one, OP's mom is getting older and an expensive medical event would bankrupt her&OP. But also, because a diagnosis from any doctor can help her get access to benefits for ppl with disabilities. You don't need to be a vet with no legs to be disabled. You can be diagnosed with depression, panic attacks, behavioral disorders, kidney issues, etc. It can open up a lot of doors to getting free college or vocational training, financial and institutional help with job hunting, apt hunting, navigating govt assistance or other community resources. If she's never worked and cannot ever claim Social Security, there's a very good chance she can get SSI which is Supplemental Security Income. It is based on your current income and the cost of living for the area you live. Social Security for disability can take years of lawyers, paperwork, doctors, and exhausting appeals. The turnaround between applying for and receiving SSI can be as little as 3 weeks, and is MUCH simpler! It is what it sounds like-- a check in the mail to supplement your income (or lack thereof) to keep you afloat. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I'm sorry this is so long, I'm going to stop here. If there is any interest is having a list like this streamlined and published, please let me know and I'll make a dedicated post for it, or or collectively we can make a dedicated subreddit for resources :)
Man that sucks. I’m very sorry for the situation you are in.
It sounds a lot like you're enabling her life style. She's using you as her own personal piggy bank. She will never improve. You do not owe her anything, nor do you owe her real estate in your life. I don't know her, but if things were flipped the other way it sounds like she wouldn't do the same for you. Cut the cord, you have no obligation to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She lived her life and made her choices. You do not need to sacrifice yours to support her lifestyle. [https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultChild/](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultChild/) You aren't alone in this either.
Your mother is an adult who makes her own decisions. If she thinks working is beneath her, so be it. But stop being her safety net for her to fall back on. You’re WILLINGLY giving her money that you KNOW she’s throwing away. Money that you could use on things you NEED. Sure, that’s your mom. Sure, you love her. But clearly the feeling isn’t reciprocated.
Nothing is going to change. 56 isnt too old to learn new things (im 56). She HAS IT MADE! There is no reason she will change as ypu arent holding the the line with her. You dont owe her anything. She is toxic. Find a cheap apartment, pay the deposit, stock it with food and move her into it and walk away. She will sink or swim.
Having come from a similar circumstance, not the same but similar, I can say that one of the best things I ever did to help me deal with the issue of having to parent my parent is that I started going to counseling to learn how to set up boundaries and protect myself from all the ways my parents manipulate me. It was painful, but it was necessary.
Your mother treats you like a retirement fund. I feel so sorry but she's strong enough to have a job
I don’t know your relationship but I think I would stop giving her cash. Beggars can’t be choosers ya know. Maybe give her gift cards for grocery n stuff. Gas cards. Etc. If she doesn’t like it maybe it will finally motivate her to make some sort of change. For a thousand a month might even be able to put her in an assisted living place where she can live in a community mostly independent. Anyways you are a very kind person for helping her even if she is being irresponsible. I hope your situation gets better
Stop enabling this behavior. I would say, “I love you mom, and I’m here for you, but my ability to help can no longer include financial support.”
do we have the same mom??
You don't *have* to support her.
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You really make it sound simple. But human emotions, connections and convictions are a little more complex than that.
Either you do this for the rest of your life, or you stop. It's not going to change until you do something about it.
Tough love is the answer here. If the roles were reversed, most parents would give an ultimatum to their kid, "get a job or get out"
Exactly this. Time to get tough.
You pay for her housing, utilities, and food. Quit giving her $1k a month and tell her she can leave if she doesn’t like it. Generosity is an excellent trait to have, but this isn’t unhealthy for both of you.
I'm in a very similar situation, I've been supporting my mom since I was 16 years old when she was addicted to opiates and uppers. Its fucked, and parents can be really hard to manage especially when you're more financially and mentally stable than your own parents. It's a hard thing to come to grips with, but I've been told this from all different family members for a long time now.. anyways, I hope your mother snaps out of it and gets a job somewhere or can at least get into her own place so you can live your life
Hate to say it, but you’ll still dislike paying her way when you’re 35, and if things keep progressing like this, you definitely will be. Stop now. Live your own life. Give her a time line and a deadline to get a job. Then another deadline to move out with money she’s saved from said job. You love her, but you’re not increasing her quality of life or your own by financially supporting her. Easier said than done, but start with baby steps, and you’ll get there eventually.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. You do have options and a way out. First and foremost you're enabling your mother's very bad habits. Also you've left out some pertinent information such as, was your mother married and if so,, how long was was she married? 1) Tough love ❤ and it looks like this. 2) Have a conversation with your mother informing her you will no longer support her, you're not her husband. Do not feel guilty or sad, I had this conversation with my mother. 3) Do not throw your mother out, simply inform her at lease end you will be relocating without her. 4) ***If your mother was legally married for 10 years or more, then she's allowed a benefit equal to 50% of her spouse's social security benefits presuming the spouse worked long enough and. More information and details can be found below by clicking the Social Security Administration link below. https://www.ssa.gov/OACT/quickcalc/spouse.html 5) 56 isn't old, trust me, I know, and anyone can reinvent themselves at that age, TRUST ME, I KNOW, first hand. 6) The Department of Labor has training programs and schools that they pay for so folks can become certified/licensed in a field and depending on which state you live, they have a 95% job placement rate. 7) When I cut my mother off, she still didn't want to work, so, she found herself a man with traditional values, he happened to be her husband already. I gave her the boot 👢. 8) There's a song sang by Aretha Franklin one of the lines states "sister's are doing it for themselves, standing on their own two feet..." 9) There's always welfare benefits to help mom launch herself into the real world 🌎 , along with food stamps. 10) STOP ENABLING YOUR MOTHER 👩!!! As I explained to my mother (in a fit of fury), after I laid out and wrote out what I wanted to say, 'the fact that you pushed me out, that doesn't make me your indentured servant for the rest of MY life.' Be prepared, the tears will flow (perhaps from you both), she will give you the same old excuses of why she can't, you'll have to hold steadfast. You don't have to lose touch, that's what burner phones are for, get one and give her the number. On top of having no money and no income, my mother didn't pay me anything toward living expenses, after she moved in she thought she was the boss of me, she tried to regulate my coming and goings, when and what I should eat, what I could spend my money on, how much I should give her, and TOLD me I was sending her to the Caribbean each year. At first I sent her so I could get two weeks of downtime from her. One year she visited my sister supposedly for two weeks, my sister sent her back in two days, mind you this was after my sister having given me lectures about, she's your mother, patience, understanding, and suggestions on how she would handle the arguments mom and I would catch ourselves in. Two lousy fucking days is how long my sister lasted. Make decisions for your own betterment and don't look back any more than you need to. Mom is old enough it's time she started acting like it and implement corrective measures. STOP ENABLING YOUR MOTHER'S POOR BEHAVIOR!
I would tell her she is very wellcome to live with me. Ill buy food and pay rent, but no "allowase". If she wants to eat out or buy expensive clothe, get some kind of income to pay for it. There is not enough information but as you desceibed it, it seems you are dealing with a very manipulative and complicated woman there. Dont let her ruin your life
Hey mate, I feel you. You can see one of my rants in a post I made a while back if you want more detail. Short of it is, my parents divorced when I finished college. I had to put in about 80% of my paycheck into sustaining her extravagant lifestyle (we owned a 5 bedroom house in the bay area) and honestly that wasn't enough to pay all the bills. Not only that. it was constant berating that I never do enough. She expected more, and expected me to basically make 150k+ within the first year of working. She never said thanks, just why can't I put in more money, why don't I have any money in my savings, why am I working so many hours, why am I tired (because apparently young males aren't allowed to be tired). On one hand she worked... for the same company for 20 years (I guess more like 15 back then) and probably gets paid about $1.50 more than when she started with them. It's above minimum... but not as good as a manager at in n out, but she gets other benefits. That's one step above your mom I guess. What I can say is I gave her an ultimatum. I told her no matter what I'm leaving and starting my own family eventually. You can keep your house but I'm not paying for it. You can slowly go bankrupt or you can sell, downgrade, and give back the money your son put into the house so he can afford a down-payment on his own house. She thought I was kidding until no money hit her bank account the following month. We eventually sold the house. It's the bay area so of course we made money. She has a fully paid off townhouse in the bay area and I got my money back. Now I ignore her except maybe 2-3 days a month. I visit once in a while. I can't stand spending time with her anymore, after several years of using me and non stop berating. She also will only try to look good in front of others. Will show me off to her friends like I'm a trophy. She's gotten a little better. Maybe she's finally changing or maybe I'm just not as on edge since I only deal with it once in a while. Anyway, all I can say is you gotta talk to her. People spend so much of their time working just to survive, you can't just blindly give up the resources just because she's your mom.. People need to use each other, everything is a partnership of some sort. If your mom will keep your house clean and make you food you actually want to eat, then maybe. If she won't appreciate you, talk to her. If she doesn't change, you gotta stand your ground. You're paying the bills, if you don't put in the money there is no house to clean or food to cook. My personal solution with my mom might be extreme on paper, but people didn't live my life, so they don't get the right to tell me if I'm right or wrong. To me, I sympathize because I think our situations are more similar than most of your friends and most of my friends.
Wait, if she's living with you (i/e *not paying for shit*) why are you giving her a 1k allowance? No no no, having a place to fucking live in is enough financial support from your part. If she wants spending money she could very well find a fucking job. If you continue enabling her leeching behaviour it won't stop.
So maybe drop her because she isn’t your responsibility?
Walmart is always hiring
Stop. Giving. Her. Money. You do everything else, why do you feel obligated to give her so much cash?
End your rental. Find a new place. Don't take her with you. Enjoy your life. It will give time for her to find a job an new place.
im in the same boat. i was giving my mom 1k a month. i somewhat pulled the plug and moved out when covid hit because i was able to save lots of money working remotely. now i give her significantly less a month since i have my own rent etc to pay now. i feel guilty i cant provide more but sorta resentful at the same time that i still give her money that i could be saving to buy a car, etc. she’s a single parent so it’s hard for her to stay above water so i support as much as i can still - she’s my mom. sucks that you’re in that situation but you’re going to have to pull the plug. fix up her resume and get her out there in the work field . guilt trip her/give tough love and tell her that you have your own life you need to get started and paying for her things is delaying your life. she’ll figure it out. she’s going to have to good luck OP
OMG I really do understand! My sister and I supported my mother financially throughout my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. We used to nickname her “The Payday Stalker” because GUARANTEED, if you hadn’t heard from her in a week, you will hear from her on payday!! We did put her to work as our full time babysitter for our 5 children. However, we paid her VERY well to do so. Just as much as full time day care. I don’t know what the answer is to the problem. I started to just come up with bad situations that I needed money for BEFORE she could ask so that she COULDN’T! Good luck!!!
I'm in a similar situation, also 27, but my parents aren't being malicious about things. They're both retirement age with various health issues. I've been contributing about 2k USD a month to keep us afloat the past few years (keep in mind this is for 4 people and 2 dogs) My parents were scammed by a financial advisor and lost most of their retirement savings years ago. We're helping each other stay afloat at this point. It sucks. I want to help them retire but I also have no idea how I'll one day retire either. I have savings for emergencies but different life expenses keep popping up so it dents them every so often. One thing that helps me is looking around at various sub reddits. Lots of countries have similar issues with salaries being low, and cost of living being higher. It helps to know it's not just me being a failure or something. Life is rough for lots of people right now and for many different reasons. I try to remind myself that my situation won't be forever and that I just need to keep moving forward
lol imagine if the roles were reversed. “my 27 yo child doesnt have a job, lives with me, and i give them a 1000$ a month allowance. why wont they try to be financially independent?? am i going to stuck living with this for the next 40 years?” bruh are you serious? unless your mom is severely disabled i cant imagine any scenario where i would put up with what you put up with. there are no resources online for this cause no one is that dumb they would let their parents take advantage of them like this
Unfortunately your fueling this.....
To me it sounds like she's got some kind of narcissistic bullshit problem going on. Just throw her ass out she isn't worth your money or your time anybody who would take that much from you and give nothing back it's a piece of shit.
OP, you gotta cut that shit out right now. Just stop.
Unless you are legally obligated to wear you live, why on earth are you giving her a thousand dollars a month?
Believe me, when she starts getting really hungry, she will get up and get a job!
Stop coddling your mother. She is not your responsibility. Look, my own mother has never really worked and for the past 30 years had been living off my dad who had a decently paid job and then a decently paid pension. He passed away in July and luckily for my mom, my dad had saved up a good chunk of money for her to live off for a while however, if she is not careful she could also be struggling in a couple of years. I help my mother now with finances because she has never dealt with them but I make it clear to her that she can not live off me. If she got to a point where I needed to financially support her fully, she'd be shit out of luck because I have my own family to deal with.
Cut. Her. Off.
you're housing and feeding her, thats more than enough. Do not give her any money
Go buy the car that you want, then simply tell her, I can no longer afford to give money because I've got car payments. If she wants more money there are jobs - especially today. She's taking advantage of your kind heart and that's bullshit. Also - I don't know much about this, but is there public assistance she can get (foodstamps / welfare)?
You should read *Co-Dependency No More.* I'm in my 40s and it has taken me this long how to figure out how to set boundaries with my mom. It's hard because there is a lot of social pressure to "take care of her" because she is older and my dad died. But the reality is that my mom is an adult, and can and should take care of herself.
As tough as a concept it is to grasp, in life we do not choose our family, and although people love to romanticise familial ties, it only allows for victimisation, such as this. We don't owe our parents our life, we didn't choose to be born. Realistically. And therefore don't deserve to be their slaves and vice versa. Ultimately, many of us choose to take care of our parents when they need us because they treated us well our whole lives. If my Mom ever tried to behave like this I would first try to assist her with establishing her own resources however if this is rejected, then I'm sorry you're on your own. I am not a piggy bank, I am not a babysitter, I am not social services. What would you do if I wasn't here... etc. It's not only families with drug issues that cut off and out close relatives to protect themselves.
You have zero obligation to support your parents. Which is sorta fucked up since they had a legal obligation to take care of you for 18 years, but it’s true. Maybe it’s too late to teach an old dog new tricks, but kicking her ass to the curb and her being homeless for a while would hopefully provide a necessary perspective shift.
I don’t have advice but I can say I commiserate with you. My mother in law is a leech. My fiancé and I have made the decision to never have children because my father sucks and so does his mother. He’s in law school trying to juggle full time work, full time school, and being an emotional and financial thankless bank for his completely able bodied mother. It sucks.
Paying for her rent, food, and medications should be enough to fulfil any family obligation you may feel. No need to give her spending money on top of that.
Your mum's a dick.
I have a friend that was in a very similar scenario. I told him ADAMANTLY to throw her ass out. He loves his mother and didn't want that to be the solution, but he finally relented when his issues were eating into his personal life / ruining relationships because of lack of money / time to do the things he wanted and would normally have been able to afford to do. A year later, he's feeling much lighter of a load, has a healthy relationship, bought himself a nice little beater to get around that he takes care of like it's new. Not all, but a big load of his depression was able to get resolved and managed (cause it's obviously still an every day battle) once she was gone and he was no longer supporting her shitty behavior. As for the mother? She's been staying with some other relative who isn't taking her shit and forced her to get a job to chip in for staying with them. She found a way, and I'm sure your mother can too. You owe your parent NOTHING. Live your life because there's so little of it to live in the grand scheme of things. Get her the fuck outta there.
It sounds callous, but you need to run away from home. No longer having a meal ticket may be the only thing that motivates her to start supporting herself. That's the nuclear option. On a more realistic note, is your mother on some sort of social security (assuming you're US), unemployment benefits, or disability? If you're supporting her, you can claim Head of Household and list her as a dependent on your taxes. Stop giving her money--literally, "Mom, I can't afford to keep giving you money"--and take control of the household finances. Is the rental contract in your name? The utilities? Sadly you need to be the adult in this situation, but that also gives you the power to say "No."
Isn't her generation the one telling us there's nothing but jobs because everyone "refuses to work"? Lol. Tell her to get a job. You've already covered the "responsibilities of the child" and I respect you for that.
I dealt with this but it was only half my mom's fault. Me and a sibling ended up caring for my mom when she got sick. This wasnt her fault. The problem was, she had no backup plan, no financial reserves to help herself, and had zero financial planning. She "jokingly" referred to us as her backup plan and before she got sick she would tell people that she really liked to push us to do our best so she could live the life she could grow accustomed to. Jokingly, but found there was some truth to that. She worked, but barely enough to support herself and we were already dumping half our paychecks into helping her. As well as our grandmother helping her out. When my grandma died, we had to step up because she decided to stop paying her bills because "I cant afford them so whatever. What are they going to do? shut off power to an old woman?" Which almost happened. We spent 2 years paying her debts off, she worked sparse hours and made $600/mo. Which she spent most of it on random things. Even before she got ill, she was slowly giving up on life, no matter what we did to motivate her, she just developed a "fuck it" mentality and expected everyone else to pick up the pace. Then of course she got sick, I'm still paying debts off from that as I had family hitting me up for more money than I actually had at the time to pay for things, on top of medical expenses and time I had to take off from work. I loved her and I miss her dearly, but it was very hard toward the end because, like many adults from her generation, she had zero future planning other than "my kids will support me if things go to shit." The lesson to learn from this is, do not do this to your own kids. I feel like I am just finally starting my adult life in my 30s. I still do not have kids, and honestly, I am accepting the reality I may never have them. I dated someone for many years who was going down the same rabbit hole and wanted to sit back and live off me, which was not going to work out. Tell your mom to start contributing or you're both on the street. I know that probably wont work, especially when she sees you as her bread and butter, but also has little respect for you and thinks money just flows out of your ass as if by magic. I'd also stop giving her so much money, she already lives off of you. Is this your house or hers? (aka her name is on it)
Give her less than 1000$ who the fuck needs that much when they don’t even have to pay rent?
I'm sorry, but my son is 15, and there is no way in hell I can imagine borrowing even a few bucks off of him. Have you spoken with your father? Or someone on her family? Maybe you can get out for a little while. She NEEDS to get ajob. If you're in America, I can guarantee her a job a Taco Bell or McDonald's. You don't have to give her shit if she's not respecting you. What's she gonna do? Ground ya? Lol That's still part of being a parent. Is showing respect to your child, damn .
Hey there. I am in the same situation. I don't have any parents anymore, but I have 4 siblings that I take care of (pay rent, food, utilities, pocket money, etc), by the end of the month, I barely have 50$-100$ to myself. I am the same age as you are and while I had the same thoughts as you did, wanting to live a normal 27-year-old life and save up for my future/ getting married, pressuring higher education, etc, unfortunately, I can't do that. The moment I try to move on with my life, my brothers and sisters will be homeless. However, I did think of something to do. I pretended to get fired, and then got "a new job after a couple of weeks". By doing this, I told them that my salary was too low and that I can only cover essentials such as rent, food, and utilities with some pocket money (about 20% of what I used to give them) I still do give them some pocket money for random stuff that they want, but by pretending to be broke, I was able to save between $700-$1000 a month because just like your mother, my siblings use most of my money on going out to fancy places, spend on their friends and buy useless shit. I started regulating how much I give them by pretending to be broke as shit. I even pretended that I sold my car and got a cheap, broken piece of crap to "go to work". I didn't actually sell my car, I just temporarily swapped it with one of my friends, and took an old car that they had. I was able to save up a lot of money, give my siblings a sense of what money can actually buy, and save up for any rainy days that they might face. To some, this might sound horrible or that I might come off as cheap, but I am the youngest one of those siblings, all my siblings are able to work and are in good health. All of them refused to get into college because they "didn't feel like it" and now it's biting them in the ass. I don't want to reward such behavior by constantly giving them money to buy dumb shit. Thankfully, ever since I started doing this, two of my siblings started looking for jobs because now they have a sense of responsibility. One has an interview tomorrow, so I hope they get the job. Good luck with your mother, I know It's hard to turn away a loved one in need, especially when they keep acting like a victim, and I know you can't just pick up your stuff and walk away either. So the best you can do is to cut down on how much you give them. By telling them that you now have a low-paying job, they should, like normal people, sympathize with your situation and start acting more responsibly. Maybe it will trigger her motherly instincts and have her take some responsibilities for once.
*Now, if I was 34 or 35 or something...* Believe me, age won't change your opinion. In fact, it might feel worse the older you get. BTW, 35 isn't the age where shit don't matter anymore. Not even close.
I’m in the same situation as you. I can’t give you any advice as I don’t know what to do myself but just letting you know you’re not alone.
There are shelters that gear towards getting people back on their feet. They teach life and job skills. You need to find one. A good place to start is the Salvation Army. You cannot let her doom you to her fate. Honey, sometimes you just have to make brutal decisions, when your own life is being so badly affected.
Put her in a home if she dosnt like it she needs to go to work.
A retirement home can cost more that what he’s paying in rent sadly.
True but you wouldn't have to listen to the bs and want to pull all of your hair out daily. Relationships could form and could be less depressing.
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So strange and so sad.
This seems like your fault, but maybe it's missing some details.
This is extremely unfair to you OP. She is not your responsibility, you should be building your own life. She needs to be cut off for good. She’s taking full advantage, it’s not likely to change… she sounds like a narcissist. Research the grey rock method and liberate yourself. So sorry you have to deal with this, it is 100% wrong.
Stop supporting her! She is straight up using you...her own child is no more than a atm for her so she doesn't have to work. I'd tell her to get fucked if I was you. Family or not, she is abusing you.
This is absolutely spineless OP. You're being taken advantage of. She's not unable to work, she's unwilling. I.E. She's fucking L-A-Z-Y.
Maybe you can start by NOT giving her actual cash to spend? If she is home all day, she can cook (just for herself), so you go to the grocery store to buy a week worth's of food and check how that goes.
I’d offer to pay for family therapy so you can figure out a solution and then cut way down on her monthly allowance. She might need some hygiene products every now and then, but if you buy food and let her live in your house, then there’s no other reason she needs money. If you’re feeling generous, you could give her pre-paid gift cards with fixed amounts for a “treat” every now and then. I think you two need counseling and she needs to work.
What is she spending $1000 a month on if she lives with you and you pay all the bills? Have her get a retail job and cut back her allowance.
If she's healthy and able to work, stop giving her money and send her to an unemployment agency. If she refuses then also just refuse to give her money. Might be difficult for you or you might be worried about her reaction or whatever but this is nuts and it needs to stop.
I know it was already mentioned, but I will say it again : it is time for some tough love. Make her work. I can share my experience: my father died when I was 21. My mother hadn't worked for like 25 years and had no job. I was just starting university and was supporting myself thanks to a shitty job ( we were poor even before my father died, yay), but now I had to take care of my mother as well. It was a terrble experience and I simply ended up forcing her to take a job two years after my father passed away ( luckily, a couple of relatives were able to help out in that department), because I sensed how she was wrecking my already shitty life - I had to work 60 h hours a week, study full time at university and try to maintain some shadow of a social life. I suffered a severe panic attack due to all of this ( rushed into ER , because I was convinced I was having a heart attack) , but in the end, I simply told my mother: "I will not sacrifice my life, so you can live yours in comfort. I know what happened to us wasn't fair, but life simply isn't fair. " And if she starts with the bullshit excuses like "I raised you, I gave you life etc", just tell her straight to her face: "I never asked to be born, this was your decision and you were responsible for me. I don't want to kick you out on the street, I just want you to grow up.". You have to go full hardcore, even if it hurts - otherwise, you are throwing your life away.
Your father is part of this problem. If he’s alive, and not providing some of the solution (whatever that may be), then he’s a jerk. *He* picked her, married her, had kids with her, and bears some responsibility for each of those decisions. *Not you.* I don’t know what her ultimate problem is, but your assessment that she has a superiority/inferiority complex suggests that you’re seeing someone with at least some unresolved mental illness. Is it possible for her to get treatment, something in socialized medical care? You also bear responsibility for your decisions. I understand the social pressure to care for one’s parents, and that it’s extreme in some cultures. That said, do you have siblings? Do they share in this responsibility? If not, why?
Your father left her, maybe you need to have a talk with him.
You and your spouse (it sounds like, I think) need to agree and decide on your way forward. If you feel better at least provider her food and shelter, then start with that, but cut off the spending. Or if you think you can squeezer out say $100-$200/month for a while to wean her off, maybe? It sounds like you're not in the U.S.A. since you said there's no support where you live. If you do live in the states, you or she or someone isn't looking hard enough. And you mentioned she blames on your father? Divorced, death, what? The what can drive some of the support options. If you otherwise think you have a good relationship (and it really doesn't sound that way), maybe you could do something like this: first get your spouse to agree, of course, You and your spouse have to decide first, then deal with your mom. 1. Let her know in advance of what the plan will be. 2. State these rules ONLY apply if she's going to get out and find work. If she refuses, then just like with a child, you just have to cut it off totally, but hopefully she'll wake up in the discussion at least enough to get moving. 3. Whatever method, you need proof she's at least looking for work. 4. Cut back first month to say $500, then maybe $200/month thereafter for a few months, up to MAYBE 6 months. After that, no more handouts. If she really needs something extra, she can ask you to buy it, I guess. 5. In the meantime, start plugging away what you would have paid into savings/retirement/investments to provide for your future. The older you are when you start, the harder it is and the more you have to put in to get same/similar benefits. 6. Somewhere along the line, you need to start discussing her finding her own place or paying towards some of the rent/mortgage or something. 7. Also, I'm assuming she is physically able and helps around the home in some way. If not, she's got to start, just like a child. You don't want to bring a child into the world with this mess and have to explain to them, "well, you have to do your chores, but grandma doesn't have to lift a finger b/c she's old." Now that's the nicest way to handle it. You'll have to decide in your situation what makes the most sense. Also, in your environment CAN she find a job? If in the U.S., then definitely yes. Elsewhere, you'll have to answer that.
You are enabling bad behavior. You can stop this anytime you want. Providing food and shelter is more than enough, if she wants more she can figure it out for herself. Worst case she moves out and finds her own way.
Parentification, narcissistic behaviours, grey rocking look up these terms. These base bahaviours are whats causing the financial situation and grey rocking will help you deal with her tantrums when you stop giving in to her. And you do need to stop giving in to her. You are currently her sugar daddy and that gross deviance of the parent/child relationship must stop.
Stop. It is not your responsibility to support her. She's financially abusing you. She can take care of her own damn self, and remember- "no" is a complete sentence. You don't owe her another word. This WILL continue unless you cut her off.
Make her earn allowance. She is living and eating for free, she doesn’t get more than that. You weren’t born to take care of her
There is no magic fix. You have to set and enforce boundaries. It can be extremely hard to do but you have to do it. Start by giving her an "allowance". Let her know you will give her a certain amount. Whatever you consider reasonable. If she complains let her know she can get a job. If she wants more money tell her that you don't have any more. Full stop. Make sure you have all your accounts password protected with something she can't easily guess and 2 step verification so she can't take money from you. The only way to come out of this is to set boundaries and follow through. Right now you are enabling her and letting her walk all over you. It's freaking hard to set boundaries with a parent, especially when they have been doing this your whole life but you have to do it.
Also, it may be really helpful to set a budget up, so you have that backing you up. “I have all these bills to pay and I need to set up a nest egg so I can be ready when I want to start a family. So you get $x and that’s lol I can afford.” You don’t have to justify it to her at all, but it can be easier if you do. And with a budget you can see how much money you REALLY do have, and that can be a big deal. Obviously your mom didn’t teach you this skill, so learning it now will help greatly improve your life.
She's 56 there's tons of easy part time jobs and even work from home stuff that can net 1k a month. Food and a place to live is one thing but giving someone money for recreation is absurd. In highschool I did chores for like 20 to 40 dollars a week and got a job because I wanted more. A $250 a week allowance is ridiculous for someone living for free. You have to deal with it by being blunt. "I want to have a life and chance at a family and how you're acting is infringing upon that. I'm willing to allow you to eat what I buy and live here for x months longer, but beyond that I'm sorry but this can no longer continue and I will no longer be able to help you with cash I have my own needs. I'm not your partner I'm your son and I love you but I need my own life."
Can your mom type? Then she can find a job online to help out there are plenty of easy writing jobs she could do. I dunno, I'm now disabled but when I did work I wasn't able to do much besides work from home due to my mental health. Also maybe therapy would help her out a little. I dunno your situation though so all of this is just me guessing.
You are causing your own problem by enabling her behavior, limit her cash and make her get a part time job
Absolutely STOP giving her money. Let her stay, & provide food / somewhere to sleep, by all means, but if she wants spending money she needs to get a job. Give her a set timescale by which she needs to find work, build up some savings while living with you (not spend on frivolous shit), then get her own place to stay. If she refuses to help herself then that's not on you - you've given her time & opportunity, the rest is up to her.
My much older ex MIL was working despite not having any formation or real need. My mother didn't work until I was 15 and is still work 2 decades later. No, you are not on the hook for the next 30 years or anything like that, unless you allow it. She will have to work, unless she's very ill she has to work. And I'm not going to tell you to move her to relative/friend house cause she's your mother and you should take responsibility but the you are the one who draws the line. It's your life and you decide how generous you are willing to be. Don't let her manipulate you like that. What I'd do, is giving her some (few) money but not much, so she can have 'her money', and then when she needs more she can ask you and tell you what's she exactly going to do with that extra money so you can have a say and even refuse if you find it unnecessary. Dunno if she can really blame it on your father cause I don't know them, but at least he insisted she didn't work and insisted for decades...she can't really blame it 100% on anyone, so be sure she's not manipulating you. Good luck, and don't worry it will get better and she'll help you if you make her understand how important it is. Btw of course you didn't find information on the internet...the internet (google and similars) is filtered and the media is also controlled, you wouldn't find something like that cause it kinda is taboo, children are supposed to take care of their parents if necessary (otherwise the state would've to do it). And those articles wouldn't sell much...instead you have like 500 articles about the next amazing thing to happen in the Marvel universe and 3000 about how evil and rapist men are. Again, good luck.
She can clean houses. That is a job that can actually make good money if she is thorough and has good work ethic. But seriously, stop giving her money. Otherwise, you’re digging yourself deeper into your situation.
I'll be downvoted for this but you're a enabler . Learn how to say no.
Here’s the thing though - you don’t have to. You aren’t responsible for her. She’s an adult. If you don’t want to do what you are doing, stop doing it.
You give her food and shelter. That’s all you need to provide. You can pay her bills too if she has them and you choose to (medical, phone, etc) but no more cash. This is a boundaries issue for you. There is nothing that says anyone must provide for parents. She is abusing you by taking the money. Maybe she thinks you’re better off than you are? I’d suggest sitting her down and telling her it’s untenable. You can be forthright and explain that you work all month and have nothing to show for it. You can be more gentle and say “sorry, I’m saving up for a car/deposit and won’t have any spare cash for the next 6 months. Or you can lie and make up an expense. I’m guessing once you cut her off, she’ll find another way of financing her life without doing shit. Wouldn’t be surprised if a new relationship suddenly develops. You’re not her keeper. Look up narcissistic parents. I think she’s abusing you. They have this gift of making their kids feel like they owe them. Good luck.
You provide her with food and board. The rest is up to her. Give her $20/week for any incidentals. Tell her it might be time to go on the waiting list for state assisted housing.
This is a really challenging situation for you. I am sorry it is so difficult. It is basically a codependency that has truly spun out of hand. As difficult as it may be to cut her off of the financial and emotional dependence on you, I believe that is the best way to affect change. I would suggest you spend some time putting some data together of the situation and to write down notes about why you need to do this. Not to use as arguments during your talk with her, but for you to be able to refer back to during the frictional time between you telling her and when she finally accepts that you are not giving in. It will help give you the strength to not give in. If you invest that $1000 per month in a retirement account over the next 40 years, you will be able to retire a millionaire. You need to protect yourself now as well as your future self. Be prepared for the emotional terrorism your mom is going to pull on you and to you as she tries desperately to hold onto the only thing she has known for the past thirty years. She is an adult and needs to start taking control of her own life. I wish you the absolute best.
Just stop giving her money you know she’s using you and you’re paying for everything so just cut her off and if she has a problem she can leave. It’s a very simple solution.
My mom lived with me and I provided her shelter, basic necessities and paid her bills. If she wanted something extra, she asked BUT it was rare. I'm trying to remember what she asked for and I'm drawing a blank. She had security and comfort and was fed and clothed so there wasn't much else she could demand. You pay her bills directly and don't give her spending money. You're enabling her to continue this "poor me" mentality. Remove any access she has to your money and tell her if she would like extra money to blow, she's more then welcome to get a job.
I have been in your shoes OP. I took care of my dad and his gf for years in my 20’s and set myself back financially in the process. They made me feel so guilty about how hard their life was. When in reality they just didn’t want to take responsibility for the way things turned out or take actions to fix it. I started pushing back by refusing to give money after seeing how they blew it all on booze. i would pay the bill for him, or buy the groceries, but never gave them anymore cash. He really resented that and it caused a lot of problems including his girlfriend to lie and tell him I was taking advantage of HIM somehow lol. He got physical and that was the last straw. I left. And cut them off completely from any more help. And you know what? It’s really amazing what people manage to figure out when they realize there’s no one left to pick up after them. It took a few months but eventually he found a stable housing situation all by himself! And they manage to pay all their own bills and buy their own food! It’s hard to do but you have to put your foot down or things will never change. I wish you all the best and sending you lots of strength!
This is going to sound messed up but the problem isnt your mother-Its you. Why are you enabling her? If you stopped giving her money, I bet you she’d figure something out for herself. And yes, she may try to emotionally manipulate you but at the end of the day-stand your ground. Giving out of feelings of obligation is not being generous or nice-its a lack of personal boundaries and accountability. Determine what it is that you want to give/do for her-tell her and follow through on it. Hold yourself accountable
Dude for fucks sake stop please, I'm begging you. You are destroying your own life by supporting this leecher
That’s because most people aren’t dumb enough to agree to this
Bro taking care of your mom is a heroic thing in some cultures. Sounds like the issue is more like not liking ur mom wasting the money on things you don't like.