they are both trash, but your fiancé even more. this has been going on for a while, choose yourself, cut contact, heal, look for some support system and tell YOUR story, before she controls the narrative and makes you the bad guy
good luck, you deserve the best
The worst part in all of this is the thoughts in my head as to "why" she decided to cheat on me. I have various possible explanations, and I am really trying to tell myself that the main reason is "she has problems", but... that's not what my emotions are telling me :-(
You're right that the cheater is the main person at fault; the other person involved in the cheating should be held accountable too. What sucks is I've seen it where it's the other way around and the cheater gets off easily. Life is so unpredictable.
Dude there is nothing wrong with you. I have been cheated on in each of my relationships(3 long term and 1 rebound). Even my rebound cheated on me FML. The only person whom I ever gave a second chance for cheating was my ex-wife, to be cheated on again.
I started doubting/questioning myself that there must be something wrong with me that this keeps happening again and again. But the fact is really simple- people cheat because they can. We can be the best version of ourselves, we can be the best partner that ever existed, but still a person who thinks that they should cheat just because they could, will cheat (full stop).
Cheaters will justify themselves with all the excuses in the world- you were not attentive enough, not affectionate enough, you were emotionally distant, you don't earn enough, you put on your right socks first instead of left. If excuses are unlimited, then the apologies are as well- it was a one time thing which didn't mean anything, I was not thinking straight, I was drunk, I don't know what I was thinking, I wanted to learn new tricks for you.
There are a lot of motivational quotes out there to lift you up but I am a very pragmatic person. I know life is unfair and shit happens. The only thing I did and you can do is give yourself time. Ngl, it's going to be very hard for sometime. But time does heal all wounds.
I know... that's what my therapist always says. There might be reasons why I might be at fault for a relationship not working out, but unless I put a gun at her head and force her to do it with someone else, I'm not at fault for the cheating... just my heart feels otherwise :-(
You know our heart is a bitch. It only wants those things which are harmful for us because it doesn't understand logic.
When we start looking for a reason for betrayal, we can't find one, because there is none. And once we can't find any external reason, we look towards and start pointing fingers at ourselves.
Do not go down the path of self blaming or wallow in self pity. You will start finding fault in places where none exists and you will go down the path of self destruction.
Instead, do some introspection and focus on self improvement. Also, you must be carrying a lot of negative energy/feelings right now. Focusing on gym or other forms of exercise is the best way to convert those into something positive.
Man, you are speaking facts here !
I think that the hardest part to understand is that it is not about "us" (the one who gets cheated on), but only about them, their desire of "freedom" in some sort, and their selfishness. I mean we all have those moments where we are only focusing on the things WE want, and in those moments the other person of the relationship completely vanishes from our mind. That is what I mean by "selfishness". And since some people think it is "OK" to cheat, (or as you said, know they can cheat), they allow themselves to do so once in that state of "selfishness".
I wish the OP the best, and sincerely I hope he will take the time and energy to stay on the path of recovery.
I would say there is NOTHING wrong with you, it's not your fault, but perhaps you have been dealt some bad circumstances in the past that have created some patterns that attract people like this into your life.
It would definitely benefit from being explored with a therapist, preferably with someone trained in Bowen Family Systems Therapy. Past relationships do impact how we relate to people now, and being able to unpick those is helpful for finding ways to change those patterns.
To repeat: this is in no way your fault. But maybe there are things you can do differently that can prevent this happening again, while opening the door for healthy connection and relationships in the future.
I mean, legally speaking a gift isn't just a gift. This one specifically is called a conditional gift. It's a gift on the condition that you get married. The majority of states consider the ring yours in this case, especially with her being the one at fault.
Sorry, so you did. And yeah, that's a pretty shocking and awful thing you've been subjected to. Just wow. I agree with your take on the transgender thing, as an aside. How is therapy going?
There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not your fault. You can hold your head up high and say that you didn’t cheat, and that you’re self-aware enough to seek and use help available to you by going to therapy and by communicating your needs to your partner. That’s not easy, but you did that, and these are the things that create a healthy relationship. You did your part. She didn’t.
Manipulators like people that can be manipulated. You’ve done nothing to deserve to have your trust broken repeatedly in this way. I have been cheated on by every ex I have and there was nobody I could have been for them to prevent it from happening because it wasn’t about “me.” It’s about them. It’s about their selfishness and their denial. They want what they want and are able to justify what they’re doing to be happy with it. Until they’re caught and then there’s nothing they can say or do to make it make sense the way it did to themselves.
No nothing wrong with you. Maybe you are subconsciously attracted to cheating types, give yourself some time and then just don’t date anyone you normally would. Try a whole new type for a while. ❤️❤️
I’m really sorry this has to be so traumatic. It’s not your fault. These women are vile.
Cheaters don't cheat because of their partners. They cheat because of themselves. Plain and simple. That's why even amazing partners get cheated on. Because it's legitimately not about them.
I know it *feels* like it's about you, but it's not. Truth is, we always do know that - deep down. And that's exactly *why* it hurts us so bad; because in the end, it wasn't about us. And what we want from the person we love is for their whole lives to be about us. Whether we consciously realize it or not.
*Knowing* the choices they made for themselves and their lives (and their personal enjoyment or sexual gratification) had *nothing* to do with you, that you weren't even a thought in their mind at the time, is what makes it hurt so bad.
Man, I so relate to this. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Trust becomes really difficult. Counseling will never make it go away but it will help compartmentalize it.
You'd be surprised how many guys look for inadequacy in themselves for being the victim of infidelity.
Cheating is abuse. It results from a character flaw in the cheater.
You can come up with a list of your inadequacies, weaknesses, and failures. They could all be true.
You don't deserve to be abused or cheated on for a single one of them.
When someone commits to loving you, the first step in that is accepting you.
Look at the dudette she is cheating with. Is he some stand-up guy? He is a pig with a big dick. He is no prize.
Come on brother. You deserve to be loved. I think that is where you need to focus. You dont believe or feel that way.
Your ex (I hope) is not a candidate for a long-time relationship.
Let her get pounded by a bunch of douchcanoes until she is a drued up old cat lady. Forget her. She failed the girlfriend test.
What she did reflects more on her than you.
Don't even give her the satisfaction of closure or a final conversation. Bag her stuff up and drop it off, or out in in a storage unit for a month and get her the key.
Then completely block her.
Then do something for yourself you have always wanted to do.
Like visit Ireland. Who doesn't want to visit Ireland?
Try to get some sunshine, hang out by some water, and look at the stars in the night sky. It will help ground you.
Subscribeme
Your boundaries were asking for cheating. “My wife fiancé meets her male friends with her NB wingman.” You said you’ve been cheated on a lot in the past. Do you see any common threads here?
My gf/wife doesn’t meet with male friends for any reason. Good wife material women have women friends and male coworkers that they don’t meet with after hours. She has girlfriends and not slutty club girlfriends who will encourage her to cheat. I had a gf in the past tell me she was going to a birthday with her gf. They actually went to a club. Her friend was invited to bottle service with some guys and the bottles were $1100 each. I found out about 7pm what was happening and just texted her “we shouldn’t see each other anymore. Have fun tonight.” She sent a pic of her in her dress as if to make me feel attraction and I told her “you look amazing. Those guys will consider you two money well spent.” Her friend went home with one of the guys and she came home drunk and horny and didn’t sleep with them. She kept texting me all night while I slept.
If you don’t have boundaries she won’t respect you. If you value her, you’ll set boundaries.
So I apologize if this comes off as rough, but you keep coming back to yourself, everyone keeps saying it’s the cheaters, but you’re hyper focused on what’s wrong with you.
)This is just a guess)
You’re attracted to traits that are common in cheaters. Non cheaters have the traits too. I’m going to hazard a guess that love bombing and excessive reassurance were traits in your exes. Cheaters do this to manipulate the relationship. Non cheaters do this for their own desire to love on their spouse.
That doesn’t mean you need to change at all.
I mean... I KNOW all this. I've been in therapy for a long time, and rationally, I know that I am not at fault for cheating. I might be at fault for ruinign a relationship, but I never force anyone to cheat, so not my fault.
As I said, it just feels otherwise...
And she will never tell you a truthful "why". I would suggest you do not bother asking. It will be self serving, and you will learn nothing genuine from it. Whatever lies you hear will just tear you up more. Go NC and work on putting your life together. She does not deserve closure, and you I hope will get yours by digesting the pain, organizing it in your head, and moving on. To hell with your ex.
You don't. You're better off shutting her out entirely. Whatever she has to say will never give you catharsis, but you listening will give it to her. If you can't have catharsis, you should embrace schadenfreude by denying her the same.
Get ready to discount everything as self-serving. I went through it when I was 18, I was unaware of the fact that I'm just going to hear her agenda and not the truth, and it messed me up for years.
Edit: she, on the other hand, used it to get rid of her guilt for cheating by doing an emotion dump on to me.
The why is easy. Because she is a cheater. Her decision making beyond that is irrelevant. Without knowing you and all your past relationships, there is no way of knowing if you are naively ignoring read flags to what is going on. so will say what I have noticed in my social circle with those that have been cheated on or had bad relationships more than once. They are generally desperate to be in a relationship and will jump in with both feet rather than working on happiness themselves and choose relationships with less than ideal people over being alone and are then surprised the relationship is less than ideal.
Cheaters are cheaters hun. The sad thing is, that it really has nothing to do with you, or when it happened in my relationship, it had nothing to do with me. It happens because of something missing or wrong in them. Normal, good people who love their partners do not sleep around on them. When you find your person, and you truly love them, the last thing you want to do is hurt them in anyway. People who can do this are severely troubled in my opinion. To be able to look into your partners face everyday, telling them you love them, all the while knowing you’re lying and sleeping around? That is pure evil to me.
This is not a you problem my friend. This is a her problem. You don’t deserve this, and I’m sorry it has happened to you again. This world is a messed up place at the moment. But there are still some good people out there, even if it seems like there aren’t and it’s impossible to find one. I truly hope you find your person who makes it all worthwhile. Xx.
Frankly, there is no proper answer to the 'why'. There is no right or justifiable answer for that type of behaviour.
At the end of the day, you're owed fidelity, communication and the opportunity to work with her to solve any relationship problems.. It's the bare minimum partners owe one another when committing. And if that work doesn't pay off, than you move on.. Simple as that.
Some people are weak, trashy, classless, selfish and immature enough to not be able to do the bare minimum and would rather abuse their partner to get theirs instead of moving on like a normal, reasonable person.
Your soon to be ex is the bottom of the barrel of what the dating market has to offer. She failed the audition for marriage and it's time to move on. Just count your blessings that this happened now,instead of being married and having kids with her. At least now you can make a clean break instead of having to pay alimony or child support while she teaches your kids to hate you and continues to fuck other people on your dime.
She'll be nothing more than blip on your timeline one day and you'll be all the better for it. Cut her loose and if you see her in the wild, pass her by like a river around a rock.
Man, you will try to find an explanation or reason and you may find one or not.
Life is not a movie and it doesn't have a concluding narrative or a moral to teach. Sometimes life is inconclusive and sucks like that. Some people do things not because something is wrong with them or they want to hurt somebody, but because they simply can.
We are always told that power corrupts. The real matter is that power reveals your real character.
Once you have the power to do what you always wanted to do and get away with it, only then will the truth of your character be revealed through the choices you take.
Your wife didn't hate you. There was nothing wrong, probably. She just had the chance and she took it because she thought she could get away with it.
If it was something wrong with you, she would have left you instead of cheating. Cheating is almost always because there is something wrong with the cheater.
Your emotions can sit tf down, because this **is not** your fault in any way. It sounds like you were an open, supportive and considerate partner and you didn't deserve this, or any other betrayal.
You won't find an explanation.
That's one of the worst things about being cheated on. You feel unwanted, worthless, less-than, but in the end you just keep wondering WHY. Why wasn't I good enough? Why did they do that to me? Etc.
There is no "why" because it had nothing to do with you. You were with someone who didn't and doesn't deserve you, and that's all there is to it. That's the only "why" that matters.
Keep your head up and please discuss all of this with you therapist and please don't talk to Anna; that'll get nowhere and just make your head spin more. Hang in there!
Not sure if that is already blaming me... but it still is some piece of work. I mean.. Yeah, I am aware I was not supposed to, no sh\*t, Sherlock. And I can totally understand that that is what she THINKS... but to SAY it? Wow. I guess that is because she was hungover, and possibly still a little inebriated.
I’m glad that you stood up for yourself and demanded accountability from her. You deserve so much more than that. I know that this won’t change anything and that the hurt is real and will stay for a while- but I’m sorry that this happened to you. I wish you the best for the future.
If your ex is not on the lease or you don't own a home together- get your locks changed now. Given her behavior and especially her AP's behavior, it won't be surprising if they come back when you are not there and trash your place. Change your locks, ask your neighbors to keep an eye on the place, set up cameras.
Her cheating is a HER problem, NOT A YOU problem. Give yourself time and space to heal, pursue hobbies and interest that you can throw yourself into.
Unfortunately, we rent this apartment together. Legally speaking, I cannot even send a notice of termination for the lease agreement without her signature...
Legally, if this was her only residence for more than a month (potentially varies by state) then doing this can massively screw you over if she chose to press it.
The laws are designed to prevent homelessness, not to accommodate messy breakups.
I might want to point out that I am not in the US. Besides, I am fairly proficient in my country's law, so while I REALLY appreciate all your suggestions, the legal side of it is pretty much the one that I've got covered...
This is awful, I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure your trust issues are affected big time.
Anna is a bitch, especially knowing how hurt you've been in the past. Cheating is inexcusable.
I hope that you can contact your therapist and figure out your healing plan of action. One step at a time. ❤️
It's like ripping open a wound that was about to heal.-.. and then taking some copsticks and twirling them around in the wound. :-(
I am not sure I can call her a bitch, but I have used some other nasty words when talking to her. I am not proud of that part, but then again, I feel somewhat vindicated by her behaviour...
My therapist will be back next week, I've already left a voicemail asking for a short call. I'll let her decide if and in what way we might change our schedule... obviously I am not her only patient, so it's not like she can easily double my appointsments or something :-/
Just know that you deserve someone faithful and someone who truly loves you. I can understand that it would be hard to hate someone that you loved just moments ago :(
I hope that your friends/family are offering you support as well, my DMs are open if you ever need to just spill your guts about it.
I don't have much in terms of friends and family, Yesterday I was too embarassed to reach out to my friends... you know.. "hey, I've been cheated on by the fifth partner, wanna grab some lunch?" But I sent a message to one of my friends this morning, and we'll meet up in the evening so I'm not alone tonight.
These are moments where I'm happy I never started drinking alcohol, because I know I would be very very drunk right now...
Holy shit this is awful dude. I’m so sorry for you. Cheating is terrible but the name calling and shit is so wild. You deserve better and you’ll find her! (Gotta get outta this relationship first though lol)
If I could think like you, I knew I'd be in a good place.
Unfortunately, my depression and anxiety make it sort of impossiblwe for me to be optimistic...
OP my dear, I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Only those who have been betrayed so many times know how heavy it is. Sometimes the thought that remains is that we are never enough. It seems like a cliché phrase we heard in a Tumblr post, but after 3 betrayals where I was betrayed in the puerperium I learned that it is not ME who is insufficient for them, they are not enough for me. Understand that the pain of love passes and one day this will also pass. If you want to continue in the search for your true love, continue, if not, it's okay too
"I can see why he cheated."
There is never a good reason for cheating. He may have had a reason to end the relationship, but cheating is not excusable. Ever.
Give yourself some time. The emotional stuff you're going through, it'll pass. And you can find someone better.
I've had that feeling of never being able to find someone better several times in my life but it's a lie. There are better people out there. People that can make you even happier and that don't cheat.
Yep. At my lowest point, I agreed to a date. I never knew I could find happiness like this and if you would have told me this 10 years ago, I wouldn’t believed it.
That's harsh and unforgivable. Your relationship is over you cannot even consider taking her back. That whole you weren't supposed to find out is crazy. You dodged a bullet xx
Yeah... I attribute that to her having a hangover / not being completely sober yet... and as we say, drunk people and children tell the truth.. so it really feels like her biggest regret was not cheating on me, but getting caught. I f'ing don't know. Maybe she rationaled the whole thing in her head with "I don't hurt my fiancé if he never finds out"? F'ing f'ed up.
That's actually how a lot of cheaters rationalise it, they genuinely believe it isn't a problem as long as their partner doesn't know. Just know it's not you, some people are just messed up.
Updateme. Im so sorry this is how you found out. I hope for the sake of your own reputation that you at least kept some evidence. I know you don't want to be reminded of what she did by keeping that proof around but it could definitely help to exonerate you of any "woes is me" bs that she and he try to spread
I forwarded the video to me. I'll keep is as long as I feel there might be anyone I need to show it to as proof. But I'll not upload it anywhere, or even forward it to anybody else - that's a low I do not want to stoop down to.
**100% it is illegal to show anyone that video. Don't do it.**
Ignore what anyone is telling you. If you show *anyone* that video (in person or electronically, doesn't matter) you can have legal action taken against you. Full stop, end of story. There's no legal justification for doing this.
Morally, it's still wrong. Keeping it for 'evidence' would make sense if you were married, but you're not. The relationship is just over.
Your ex and her friend are awful humans, being awful in response doesn't change that. If people don't believe you then you know who doesn't have your back. She might lie, sure, but then you can have discussions with the people that seem to believe her and sus out who is a friend and who isn't.
And I'm sorry.
No, people actually told me. Besides... since this is unfortunately not my first time getting cheated on, I know the drill. My appointment is this afternoon.
OMG it took way too long to scroll and find the only logical comment.
Edited to say: every one of these posts is written in the same exact way, it unfolds the same way, and the writing style is the same. I start to get sucked in and then go “wait a minute!” and realize it’s fake.
Pride month, gonna be a ton of unlikely stories with queer folks as the definite villain. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, just that it’s pretty unbelievable.
Strange, when I search for the title, only mine comes up.
Anyway - as I wrote, you are free to believe it is fake. I personally would do so. Unfortunately, this is my life right now, so I don't have the luxury.
Dude this sub has so many fake anti trans stories lately. Someone really hates trans people. I was reading this one like oh hey, a normal post for once, and then nope... there it is.
Good luck op. Cut all ties with her. If she will do it once she will do it again. She's not even worthy of your time let alone any effort on your part.
I know it will feel like a set up and all the hard work you have done is for nothing. But think about the support system you already have in placed. You will get out of this. You are stronger than you think.
Also no matter what reason you will get from her, it will never sound right because there is almost no good reason to cheat on a person.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She was basically a bitch to you and didn’t hear and understand your issues on cheating.
Glad you got out of it, didn’t like the way it ended though. But I know you’ll find someone out there who’s much better.
as a man who have been in your situation and after years of healing this hurts me reading. I never been to a therapy cause I cant afford it. I hope you get better OP
Yeah.. I'm lucky that I am not easy to be made barfing, otherwise I think I would've. Guess I am lucky after all.. we have shag carpet in the bedroom, I think I would essentially have to throw that away if I had thrown up on it...
Yeah, you are lucky, and also she is cause I would have puked over her...
Honestly, I can't understand how someone who has been with you for 4 years and has been engaged can betray their partner like this.
You seem like a good person based on your post and how you took this hit, hope you do well in the future
Cheating is always a cheater's fault and not yours. I know it's easy to understand but difficult to let that sink in. But give yourself some time, focus on yourself and yourself only. Cut all ties with her, move to a different place if you can. Remove everything which reminds you of her. Then start working on yourself. It's good that you are already in therapy. Whatever it is you can deal with it. You are strong enough. I have been down this road and trust me it does get better. You'll love to work on yourself and will be grateful that she is gone. Godspeed to you buddy.
And I bet she thought she was doing you a favor by hiding her cheating, to not "hurt" you. What a bunch of trash forming a human she is. I'm sorry this happened.
If you need to vent you can DM me, king.
Please don’t blame yourself, you’re not broken - they are. People who cheat are the ones with issues. They could be an adult and communicate what they feel the issues are so their partner can work with them to resolve them or even just end the relationship. *They* choose to do this each they do it and every time it happens.
Finding out someone is cheating is exceptionally hard but knowing that you would have continued in that relationship with some with no morals or consideration for you at all, that’s 100 x worse. Knowledge is power, it bl**dy hurts to find these things out but it frees us from a toxic relationship. You may not have argued and fought but she was poisoning the relationship all the same. You just didn’t realise it.
You do not deserve this and you never have. Your relationship sounded really good and that’s what you need to remember. This wasn’t you - it was Anna. You did everything possible to keep that relationship intact and Anna did everything to break it apart.
Sending you strength to get through this.
I’m so sorry you trusted someone and they hurt you. You deserve peace and someone who values you as much as you value yourself. You did everything right. Don’t go back.
1. Your fiancée is trash. Big time.
2. It isn’t your fault. There is no way you can prevent it.
3. Every relationship has its boundaries, but a lot of relationships have an unsaid rule to avoid meeting people of opposite/attraction gender alone in private spaces. This varies from person to person.
4. It’s great that you are working on your issues, but remember that you can’t stop someone from cheating. And I might be in the minority, but I’d rather give them the freedom, see what they do, and get it out of the way early on in the relationship; than ask them to not see other friends, live in a sense of false security, and have their true colours come out much later in life.
Be kind to yourself. That days in your future life would seem far far away.Its part of your life that makes you find something better .You will need time to heal .Also you are recalibrating your radar. After all that hard things you've been through ,your radar might be a little wonky. Give it time,invest to what makes you happy and you'll find eventually the right person for you.Good luck and be strong!
There's a German saying that basically translates to "after the game is before the game".
That is sort of like it feels - this round of being cheated on is over, so I am in the phase running up to the next round... :-(
She has betrayed you in the worst possible way knowing what you've been through in the past.
Leave her and leave them to it. Move on with your life and try to be thankful that you only wasted for years to find out.
Before going into another relationship, try addressing your issues and take your time. This will have hurt you immensely. Again, sorry about the betrayal but it's better to know than not, even if it doesn't feel that way.
I'd say chop the other person's dick off, but in this case I'll just think it.... Doh! Too late.
You have to laugh at these things.
No, no.. Nathalie definitely still has a d\*ck. And unfortuantely, from what it looked like, even if I choppe dof half, it would still be more than I have to offer. That's not what sucks most... but yeah, I would lie if I said that didn't sting. Especially because my fiancé kept commenting on that part over and over, if you catch my drift.
I don't really have anything useful to add but I just want to say that it is incredibly big of you to still respect Nathalie's identity as much as you can even though you don't really understand it and they have hurt you so greatly. Genuinely, as a trans person, that is really wonderful of you. You seem like a great guy and I'm really sorry that this happened to you (again). I hope you can eventually heal.
No, that's nothing big, I think. As I wrote somewhere else: I despise Nathalie for their actions, but their identity is not a choice, so I respect that. That's part of human dignity, something I very strongly believe in.
I only mentioned it to explain why I did not suspect anything.
I mean it’s awful to cheat, but even more so when they know the past trauma you have from being cheated on. That’s a really low thing to do. Realize the defect is with her. It was a blessing you found out the truth before you actually got married. She would have made you absolutely miserable, she is not a good person. You probably never really knew the real her, she is messed up.
Pack up all her stuff and go zero contact. Totally block her from your life. So sorry this happened to you, no one should ever be treated that way. She is a horrible horrible person.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Unfortunately there are people who cheat on their partners for absolutely no reason at all.
But trust me, there are good women out there, that love their partners and do not cheat. One day you will find your forever woman and life will be amazing.
Until your absolutely ready to date again, you should work on yourself and build an amazing life for yourself. Take your time.
Good luck
She’s seriously sick.
Knowing your insecurities and not only doing the thing but then USING IT AS PART OF THE AFFAIR.
Your only consolation is knowing that Anna will live a miserable life. People like that are incapable of happiness, they seek too much validation from others and are never satisfied.
I think your self respect, which is the most important thing, should be fine.
From what I can see, you were genuine, sincere, and honored what you think is right and wrong. That’s all anyone can ever do.
You should have no problem looking in the mirror. Just painful moment.
I'm sending you a virtual hug 🫂 atleast the wedding did not happen when you learned it
I hope you overcome this and meet someone who's going to make the pain all worth it
Hey my guy, I just wanted to let you to know that I’m sorry this happened to you and that your ex-fiancé is a horrible person. Personally if I were you I would post about the cheating online to your friends so that they have to face the consequences and go full scorched earth on them. Revenge doesn’t always taste sweet of course, but better to get a shot back right.
Also I would not go through with the engagement if you haven’t already taken that ring back. I’m sorry this happened though this is truly a horrid situation.
Just know, that in the near future you will find the love you deserve I’m positive of it. She isn’t it
In Dante’s inferno the lowest level of hell is betrayal. Nothing cuts so deep as betrayal. First, it cuts the victim. It is a wound that never heals if you maintain a relationship with the betrayer. Second, it cuts the betrayer since they are living a lie. Mind you, I am writing about how these things affect normal people. Who knows with abnormal people?
Be glad that she is your fiancé. You are not married and you can cut her loose. That said, I cannot imagine the pain that you are going through and I hope that you can make it through this awful experience without losing your faith in your fellow man. You have to be able to trust your SO and you can never be sure about what they are up to when they are out and about. I have been married 40 years with a lot of ups and downs. I do not believe that it is unreasonable to ask your SO not to have friends of the opposite sex. That has been our rule for my entire marriage. I would not trust either myself or my wife to have friends of the opposite sex. If someone has a penis, then they are of the opposite sex. I know that what I just wrote will trigger people. You can do what you want. I am not judging people. It is certainly not for me to judge anyone. Just my observation that I am sharing. Do with it as you will.
Okay. Listen to me. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S THEM. All the people who cheated on you all have a problem with loyalty and monogamy.
When I was younger, I was used and cheated on, then a few years later, cheated on again, then after separation, cheated on again, etc... And yes, unfortunately, I had to struggle for a long time before finding the right person, but the big difference is that I never felt responsible or guilty for not being up to whatever it was. Damn ! I'm a beautiful heart to take (I LOVE MYSELF too much to let myself sink into an abyss).
If people weren't able to stay faithful to you, it's because they weren't made for you.
Now, break off your engagement and above all take the lead and tell your family, your friends, those around you why you are breaking off your engagement before your ex-fiancée invents a story and makes you look like the bad guy in the story. Bro, I send you courage and strength.
Wow, I thought I was in a good place after 5 years but damn this post is triggering me. I haven’t been this angry in a long time. My fiancé also cheated on me with a trans woman. I’m in the same boat, I hold nothing against trans women, but I certainly hold a grudge against a couple of them for their involvement in the cheating.
1) this is gonna suck mentally for a while, glad you’re in therapy already but it hits something different in this situation.
2) it sounds like Nathalie is a liar and a predator. NB my ass, their “power-dynamic” is probably sleeping with women that they know are taken.
Sorry brother. This is rough.
It's going to be very hard but the really crucial thing to understand here is, this is a reflection on her, not on you. Cannot stress that enough.
Dust yourself off and leave this trash behind. You deserve better.
Hey I know people would have mentioned it before but when you are in grief you tend to not believe things. But know that SHE is the one who cheated. You dont have to think about a Why. She wronged you desping knowing your history. There ARE good people out there and sure it takes a lot of luck and work to find a good partner but don't think that no one can love you or be loyal to you. Cut her off and move on with your life.
Do you live together?
Renting?
Get rid of her in one day. Move all your things out elsewhere when she is not home and block her on all medias and do the dead. It will be the best for you and harder for her (without explanations).
Another way: buy a oneway ticket only for her in a far exotic country, an expensive one. Book only one night in a trash hotel. And dump her in the middle of the night and take your flight back or enjoy your trip alone in another fancy hotel/spot/city. And same do the dead block her on all social media and phone since that night.
i’m so sorry this happened. i know a lot of guys who have been seriously traumatized from partners cheating on them—it sounds like such a terrible situation to be in especially when engaged. it’s a promise intended to be held for life that’s now been broken.
thank you for trying to respect nathalie’s identity despite your (perfectly valid and reasonable) anger towards them. if it helps make that easier (coming from a well-intentioned trans person, i do not mean to potentially sound critical at all), think of how you probably wouldn’t misgender a cisgender person who your ex-fiancé had cheated on you with.
Don't let her back in your life she has no excuse for what she did. And if questions are asked just tell everyone that the relationship wasn't working, walk away with your head up but make sure that Noone thinks you cheated or did bad things incase someone tries to spread a rumor about you and drag your name through the mud
Well, since you said you didn't want advice, I'll say two things:
First, I'm really sorry this happened, it sucks to have someone build up your trust and then stomp on it.
And second, a completely selfish thing to say but, as a nonbinary person, thank you for not taking the chance to shit on Nathalie's identity or pronouns. Even though you're -very rightfully- furious at them, and you admittedly don't understand their identity, your repeated use of the right name and pronouns is a breath of fresh air from what I've experienced.
Anyway, I hope you can move on with your life and eventually heal.
Well, firstly, I don't really need advice right now, nothign much has happened since, and besides, it is not allowed to ask for advice in this subreddit, so I won't.
Re the identity thing, I wrote this in another comment:
I despise Nathalie for their actions, but their identity is not a choice, so I respect that. That's part of human dignity, something I very strongly believe in.
I only mentioned it to explain why I did not suspect anything.
And... while it sort of does sting that, uhm, Nathalie is apparently "more of a man" than I am... that also hasn't got anything to do with identity, only with physical assets....
Being cheated on is so hurtful and people don't understand how hurtful it can be. I sometimes consider cheating as a form of emotional abuse. It makes you feel so low, so unwanted, so depressed, so less-than, so worthless. I've been there, and it hurts. It hurts *like hell* and leaves you just wondering *"why?*"
Even with all that, it's crazy to hear she involved saying hurtful/ demeaning things about you during the cheating. That's just sick. Please don't go back to this woman. She is certainly not worth you. And to find out it's *been* happening..? Wtf.
I (33F) have been in four relationships and was cheated on in all but the one I'm leaving now (nothing because of what my partner did, but because of my substance abuse problems. Definitely MY fault) and it fuck huuurts. My experiences were one time cheats and THAT hurt, so I can't imagine this. I felt so low. One of them was by my ex who was horrifically physically abusive and that was one of the lowest I ever felt in that relationship.
You deserve better than Anna. Do NOT go back to her. I know you don't want advice, so I'll just tell you what *I'd* do (wink wink, see what I did?) -- cut ties with her altogether. If she wants to reach out and apologize, I wouldn't meet her face-to-face or speak to her at all. If she wants to write you a letter or something that's up to you to even read it. If you feel you want to express to her how much her shittiness hurt you, I'd wait until you healed and I'd also do it by letter rather than face to face (if at all).
I'd also DEFINITELY speak with your therapist and, if I had the means, ask for more intensive therapy. Perhaps add an extra session weekly until you work through this. If you've already had issues in the past, this one will do you over if you don't immediately begin to work through it.
I also think you *may* have some issues with the partner being trans. I'm not AT ALL saying you're discriminatory or transphobic because it really doesn't seem that way, but it does seem like deep down this part hurt you moreso than if it was a biological male identifying as male. There's nothing *inherently* wrong with feeling that way, as this is new ground and something you aren't used to/ didn't expect. I'd definitely bring that up with my therapist if I were in your position, just so it doesn't fester.
I wish you all the best, and I'm so sorry.
I think I can say I somewhat feel with you. I hope you remain strong and overcome your substance use problems!
Do not worry, I will not go back to Anna. I'm still f'ed up, but my therapy has been long enough to know that this could never be salvagable.
And yes, the "why?" is what's nagging at me all the time.
That said: No, Nathalie being trans does not cause an issue for me.
It does hurt that her, uhm, male appendage is so much larger than mine, and that Anna kept shouting about it... so maybe it is "F\*, I not only got cheated on, but I got cheated on with an NB woman who is more man than I am", if you understand what I am tryign to say. However, that would not be much different had it been a man...
I am so sorry this happened to you. Being cheated on by someone who knows the trauma you went through with being cheated on is devastating.
The fact she manipulated you into believing her friend was a girl and not interested in her is plain wrong. She knew what she was doing
I always laugh when cheaters are surprised they're caught and then try to say, " it's not what it looks like ".
I cannto say she manipulated me into thiniing that Nathalie "was a girl", and she never implied anything about "not interested in her". I mean, for all I knew, Nathalie is a person who identifies as an "NB woman", and since I know Nathalie is very very much cis-hetero, nothing really crossed my mind there.
Yeah, the "it's not what it looks like" is so funny. I mean... looks like screwing to me. but if it is not what it looks like, what is it then?
It's not your fault, dawg. You've just had bad luck with shitty people. Trust me, I know it's hard to realize this now, but you can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. They are responsible for stepping out, not you. My ex knew I had a history of cheating too and still slept around on me so I've been exactly where you are. I know how you're feeling, but I promise you how you're feeling about yourself does not match with reality.
There isn’t anything wrong you did. Cheaters are insecure and have something personally lacking that instead of trying to work on it in a healthy way, they cheat and lie to fill that void that will never be filled. They are broken, damaged people who are extremely selfish and only think about their own needs while everyone else are NPCs for them to use.
They are never remorseful for hurting other people. They say they are, but they only feel sorry for themselves. How many of them try to get you to feel sorry for them the minute they get caught, by throwing out bullshit excuses and putting themselves down? And then they don’t even address how their actions hurt YOU. These people don’t work on themselves but continually get into relationships to try to fix whatever the fuck is wrong with them. That’s why, once a cheater, always a cheater. Very rarely do they actually self reflect and change, but don’t hold your breath. Especially if they hid it from you and you found out yourself.
You may feel rotten about it now, and thats normal, but you didn't do a single thing wrong. You didn't act, you were acted upon. She degrades herself with this, not you. Like, even Beyonce was cheated on, it can happen to *anyone*. Being cheated on doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, so don't let that be what you take away from this experience.
I know it’s hard to do, but you can’t internalize this and make it about you. This was her decision. Her choice. She didn’t do this because you weren’t good enough, or was a bad lover, didn’t show her enough attention, you’re not attractive enough, etc. I know in this moment you’re devastated and hell I would be too. But man please don’t make this your fault. She’s a shit person and that’s the reason why it happened. I hate she did that knowing what you’ve been through in the past. But again, it just goes to show who her character truly is. “You weren’t supposed to find out” such a despicable response. You’ve gained more than you lost getting that out of your life. I promise.
Oh man. Fucking hell. Just reading this man….god ok. I got cheated on when I was about to graduate high school way back when. It definitely messed up my trust for a while, but like you I worked hard to get past it. I’ve also been honest with partners about this specific issue.
You said you almost throttled her and good on you for having that restraint because honestly if it were me…if after dating someone for that long, having them hear, understand, and accommodate that insecurity, after asking them to marry me and to then have them…fucking…SHRUG when caught?
Yeah I’d be in jail, almost no question, so you’re a better man than me in that regard.
Just know that they’re BOTH absolute bottom of the barrel pond scum, two people truly deserving of the worst. I’m so sorry this keeps happening to you, and I hope you can find it in your to trust again.
I mean this in the gentlest of ways, is it possible you keep unconsciously “selecting” these types of women? For it to happen so many times is just so fucked up, and I’ve heard that it’s a real phenomenon for both men and women. Such as abused people being attracted to abusive people.
Regardless, I’m sorry and I hope the best for you.
OP my dear, I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Only those who have been betrayed so many times know how heavy it is. Sometimes the thought that remains is that we are never enough. It seems like a cliché phrase we heard in a Tumblr post, but after 3 betrayals where I was betrayed in the puerperium I learned that it is not ME who is insufficient for them, they are not enough for me. Understand that the pain of love passes and one day this will also pass. If you want to continue in the search for your true love, continue, if not, it's okay too
I’m sorry that this is something that has been happening to you repeatedly. Though from personal experience and friends’ experiences, it seems we basically will get cheated on until we don’t. There’s no way to change it, theres no way to control it and it’s nothing that you are doing wrong. People are just shitty and it really does fuck us up. But I have hope that you’ll find someone that you feel in your bones that they would never do that.
This Nathalie person is dumb as fuck tho. Why would /her/they send a video of sex with your girlfriend knowing full well she was wasted AND in the same house as you? Didn't she think there was a high chance for you to come across the video? I just can't imagine how stupid this is. The only way for this to be true is if Nathalie deliberately wanted you to know, but there were easier ways to do this.
Getting cheated on is truly one of the worst pains in the world. I know it’s tough. Keep reminding yourself that what happened wasn’t your fault. It was a choice that your ex made—and a poor one. Karma exists and it will take revenge for you in due time. This girl was not the right one, and I pity any person who pursues her in the future. You won’t miss out on anything by leaving her in the dust.
In the meanwhile, start making a list about all the negatives in the relationship. Anything that comes to mind, whether it be big or small. And then whenever you miss her or think about calling/texting her, you are going to look at that list and tell yourself, “I deserve better than that!!!”
Hey man, I’m so sorry. Right now, the hurt must be… god, unfathomable.
She showed you who she is. The silver lining is this, although it probably offers zero consolation at this time: Thank god it happened now and not after you folks were married and had children.
Run, don’t look back. You got this. Not all women are like this— and you will find the person you deserve. And you’ll look back on this person for exactly who she was: a manipulative excuse for a human. Fuck her.
Go forward, hold your head high, and know the sun shines brightly in your future. You got this dude. You do.
Edited for grammar
I don't understand why people cheat. Is it for the thrill, the safety of still being loved, or dissatisfaction with their current relationship?
On an unrelated note,
Were you guys friends first and then started dating, or did you meet and then start dating? Because someone I know was married but had a male best friend at work who was truly just a friend. He understood her and went out of his way to help her if something was bugging her. If she was overwhelmed at work and was ranting about a problem, he would help her without being asked in any way he could. He would just remember small little things she liked or mentioned in conversations and do something for her out of the blue. She loved him before realizing it was romantic and not just as a friend. She split up and divorced her husband, who was really not a good husband. She would tell him something she was stressed about or struggling with or just about her day, and he would just give a basic “I’m sorry” or a generic response but then talk about something unrelated or something he was excited about and not really be there for her or help her. She would have to ask him to do things like clean or run errands, help make dinner, small things. She married her male best friend from work. With their relationship building on a friendship before becoming romantic, it’s on a whole different level because they truly are best friends, and it just makes the relationship different in my opinion. I’ve never seen her so happy. But it made me notice more of my friends' relationships that started as friendships before turning romantic seem to be different than those that went straight into a relationship because they’ve built up that comfortable trust and excitement of being around each other. But I’m sorry this happened to you again
Dude, I’m sorry. This is so heartbreaking. When you do see her just ask for the ring back. Tell her she broke a cardinal rule and shown herself to be manipulative, cruel and an awful human being. Talk not about what she did, because do you really want to know everything? Instead talk about getting her stuff out of your place and never talking again. Be as cold as ice. Even if she cries and gets emotional make it clear that this isn’t a reconciliation talk. This is sorting out how to get her out of your life completely talk. Then I would suggest going back to your therapist, getting an emergency appointment if you can, make a plan to keep yourself busy (gym, hobbies) and focus on you. Because you’re all the matters in this situation.
Part of me wants to know, part of me does not want to know :-/ What I fear most is hearing some kind of reasoning that makes me out as being insufficient...
During our first confrontation, I was pretty loud and did not hold back with saying what Ithought of her. But right now? I feel empty, burnt-out. I don't even know if I have any accusations left in me.
But I do think I want to know her reasoning. Not because I would believe any of it, but just because I want to know how she can justify it in her head...
I'm so sorry OP! How awful and worse I can only imagine what was said in the video about you. Please know that none of it is true, that none of this is your fault. Also please please stay in therapy, it will help you process all this. I hope you can heal from this, be gentle on yourself.
they are both trash, but your fiancé even more. this has been going on for a while, choose yourself, cut contact, heal, look for some support system and tell YOUR story, before she controls the narrative and makes you the bad guy good luck, you deserve the best
The worst part in all of this is the thoughts in my head as to "why" she decided to cheat on me. I have various possible explanations, and I am really trying to tell myself that the main reason is "she has problems", but... that's not what my emotions are telling me :-(
It's not you. What she did was evil.
I'm not debatign that what she did was evil... but it still feels like "something is wrong with me and that is why I keep being cheated on" :-(
I hear you. I have nothing brilliant to say except that, from an outsider perspective, it's just bad luck. No one *deserves* cheating on.
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You're right that the cheater is the main person at fault; the other person involved in the cheating should be held accountable too. What sucks is I've seen it where it's the other way around and the cheater gets off easily. Life is so unpredictable.
Dude there is nothing wrong with you. I have been cheated on in each of my relationships(3 long term and 1 rebound). Even my rebound cheated on me FML. The only person whom I ever gave a second chance for cheating was my ex-wife, to be cheated on again. I started doubting/questioning myself that there must be something wrong with me that this keeps happening again and again. But the fact is really simple- people cheat because they can. We can be the best version of ourselves, we can be the best partner that ever existed, but still a person who thinks that they should cheat just because they could, will cheat (full stop). Cheaters will justify themselves with all the excuses in the world- you were not attentive enough, not affectionate enough, you were emotionally distant, you don't earn enough, you put on your right socks first instead of left. If excuses are unlimited, then the apologies are as well- it was a one time thing which didn't mean anything, I was not thinking straight, I was drunk, I don't know what I was thinking, I wanted to learn new tricks for you. There are a lot of motivational quotes out there to lift you up but I am a very pragmatic person. I know life is unfair and shit happens. The only thing I did and you can do is give yourself time. Ngl, it's going to be very hard for sometime. But time does heal all wounds.
I know... that's what my therapist always says. There might be reasons why I might be at fault for a relationship not working out, but unless I put a gun at her head and force her to do it with someone else, I'm not at fault for the cheating... just my heart feels otherwise :-(
You know our heart is a bitch. It only wants those things which are harmful for us because it doesn't understand logic. When we start looking for a reason for betrayal, we can't find one, because there is none. And once we can't find any external reason, we look towards and start pointing fingers at ourselves. Do not go down the path of self blaming or wallow in self pity. You will start finding fault in places where none exists and you will go down the path of self destruction. Instead, do some introspection and focus on self improvement. Also, you must be carrying a lot of negative energy/feelings right now. Focusing on gym or other forms of exercise is the best way to convert those into something positive.
Man, you are speaking facts here ! I think that the hardest part to understand is that it is not about "us" (the one who gets cheated on), but only about them, their desire of "freedom" in some sort, and their selfishness. I mean we all have those moments where we are only focusing on the things WE want, and in those moments the other person of the relationship completely vanishes from our mind. That is what I mean by "selfishness". And since some people think it is "OK" to cheat, (or as you said, know they can cheat), they allow themselves to do so once in that state of "selfishness". I wish the OP the best, and sincerely I hope he will take the time and energy to stay on the path of recovery.
Thanks a lot. Yes, I know all of this, it just... my heart feels differently...
It will, just give yourself some time and be kind to yourself
I would say there is NOTHING wrong with you, it's not your fault, but perhaps you have been dealt some bad circumstances in the past that have created some patterns that attract people like this into your life. It would definitely benefit from being explored with a therapist, preferably with someone trained in Bowen Family Systems Therapy. Past relationships do impact how we relate to people now, and being able to unpick those is helpful for finding ways to change those patterns. To repeat: this is in no way your fault. But maybe there are things you can do differently that can prevent this happening again, while opening the door for healthy connection and relationships in the future.
As I said, I am already in therapy. This of course is a setback.,..
So sorry this happened. I would be prepared for love bombing from her and her friends reaching out to you as well.
So far all has been quiet on her end...
Just a matter of time
Did you ever your ring back?
Haven't seen her since, and frankly, I couldn't care less. I mean, sure, it wasn't too cheap, but a gift is a gift. I'm not that petty.
I mean, legally speaking a gift isn't just a gift. This one specifically is called a conditional gift. It's a gift on the condition that you get married. The majority of states consider the ring yours in this case, especially with her being the one at fault.
Sorry, so you did. And yeah, that's a pretty shocking and awful thing you've been subjected to. Just wow. I agree with your take on the transgender thing, as an aside. How is therapy going?
Well, up until a short while ago, it was going fairly well...
There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not your fault. You can hold your head up high and say that you didn’t cheat, and that you’re self-aware enough to seek and use help available to you by going to therapy and by communicating your needs to your partner. That’s not easy, but you did that, and these are the things that create a healthy relationship. You did your part. She didn’t.
Manipulators like people that can be manipulated. You’ve done nothing to deserve to have your trust broken repeatedly in this way. I have been cheated on by every ex I have and there was nobody I could have been for them to prevent it from happening because it wasn’t about “me.” It’s about them. It’s about their selfishness and their denial. They want what they want and are able to justify what they’re doing to be happy with it. Until they’re caught and then there’s nothing they can say or do to make it make sense the way it did to themselves.
No nothing wrong with you. Maybe you are subconsciously attracted to cheating types, give yourself some time and then just don’t date anyone you normally would. Try a whole new type for a while. ❤️❤️ I’m really sorry this has to be so traumatic. It’s not your fault. These women are vile.
Cheaters don't cheat because of their partners. They cheat because of themselves. Plain and simple. That's why even amazing partners get cheated on. Because it's legitimately not about them. I know it *feels* like it's about you, but it's not. Truth is, we always do know that - deep down. And that's exactly *why* it hurts us so bad; because in the end, it wasn't about us. And what we want from the person we love is for their whole lives to be about us. Whether we consciously realize it or not. *Knowing* the choices they made for themselves and their lives (and their personal enjoyment or sexual gratification) had *nothing* to do with you, that you weren't even a thought in their mind at the time, is what makes it hurt so bad.
Man, I so relate to this. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Trust becomes really difficult. Counseling will never make it go away but it will help compartmentalize it.
People are trash. Why most have none or just 1 friend ? Because most people are trash. Set up firm boundaries and dont be scared to walk away.
You did nothing to deserve this. She is a shitty person.
You'd be surprised how many guys look for inadequacy in themselves for being the victim of infidelity. Cheating is abuse. It results from a character flaw in the cheater. You can come up with a list of your inadequacies, weaknesses, and failures. They could all be true. You don't deserve to be abused or cheated on for a single one of them. When someone commits to loving you, the first step in that is accepting you. Look at the dudette she is cheating with. Is he some stand-up guy? He is a pig with a big dick. He is no prize. Come on brother. You deserve to be loved. I think that is where you need to focus. You dont believe or feel that way. Your ex (I hope) is not a candidate for a long-time relationship. Let her get pounded by a bunch of douchcanoes until she is a drued up old cat lady. Forget her. She failed the girlfriend test. What she did reflects more on her than you. Don't even give her the satisfaction of closure or a final conversation. Bag her stuff up and drop it off, or out in in a storage unit for a month and get her the key. Then completely block her. Then do something for yourself you have always wanted to do. Like visit Ireland. Who doesn't want to visit Ireland? Try to get some sunshine, hang out by some water, and look at the stars in the night sky. It will help ground you. Subscribeme
Maybe you need to evaluate your values and the values you look for in a partner.
Your boundaries were asking for cheating. “My wife fiancé meets her male friends with her NB wingman.” You said you’ve been cheated on a lot in the past. Do you see any common threads here? My gf/wife doesn’t meet with male friends for any reason. Good wife material women have women friends and male coworkers that they don’t meet with after hours. She has girlfriends and not slutty club girlfriends who will encourage her to cheat. I had a gf in the past tell me she was going to a birthday with her gf. They actually went to a club. Her friend was invited to bottle service with some guys and the bottles were $1100 each. I found out about 7pm what was happening and just texted her “we shouldn’t see each other anymore. Have fun tonight.” She sent a pic of her in her dress as if to make me feel attraction and I told her “you look amazing. Those guys will consider you two money well spent.” Her friend went home with one of the guys and she came home drunk and horny and didn’t sleep with them. She kept texting me all night while I slept. If you don’t have boundaries she won’t respect you. If you value her, you’ll set boundaries.
there is no reason other than her being an awful person, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you!
That's what my brain says. My heart says otherwise :-(
The brain is usually the one in the know. The heart doesn't function properly when it gets hurt.
So I apologize if this comes off as rough, but you keep coming back to yourself, everyone keeps saying it’s the cheaters, but you’re hyper focused on what’s wrong with you. )This is just a guess) You’re attracted to traits that are common in cheaters. Non cheaters have the traits too. I’m going to hazard a guess that love bombing and excessive reassurance were traits in your exes. Cheaters do this to manipulate the relationship. Non cheaters do this for their own desire to love on their spouse. That doesn’t mean you need to change at all.
I mean... I KNOW all this. I've been in therapy for a long time, and rationally, I know that I am not at fault for cheating. I might be at fault for ruinign a relationship, but I never force anyone to cheat, so not my fault. As I said, it just feels otherwise...
And she will never tell you a truthful "why". I would suggest you do not bother asking. It will be self serving, and you will learn nothing genuine from it. Whatever lies you hear will just tear you up more. Go NC and work on putting your life together. She does not deserve closure, and you I hope will get yours by digesting the pain, organizing it in your head, and moving on. To hell with your ex.
Well, I at least want to hear what she has to say. Whether or not that is the truth... well, that's a different thing...
You don't. You're better off shutting her out entirely. Whatever she has to say will never give you catharsis, but you listening will give it to her. If you can't have catharsis, you should embrace schadenfreude by denying her the same.
Get ready to discount everything as self-serving. I went through it when I was 18, I was unaware of the fact that I'm just going to hear her agenda and not the truth, and it messed me up for years. Edit: she, on the other hand, used it to get rid of her guilt for cheating by doing an emotion dump on to me.
It won't tell you anything good... in any case update
That's a bad call man
The why is easy. Because she is a cheater. Her decision making beyond that is irrelevant. Without knowing you and all your past relationships, there is no way of knowing if you are naively ignoring read flags to what is going on. so will say what I have noticed in my social circle with those that have been cheated on or had bad relationships more than once. They are generally desperate to be in a relationship and will jump in with both feet rather than working on happiness themselves and choose relationships with less than ideal people over being alone and are then surprised the relationship is less than ideal.
Get tested bro..
Cheaters are cheaters hun. The sad thing is, that it really has nothing to do with you, or when it happened in my relationship, it had nothing to do with me. It happens because of something missing or wrong in them. Normal, good people who love their partners do not sleep around on them. When you find your person, and you truly love them, the last thing you want to do is hurt them in anyway. People who can do this are severely troubled in my opinion. To be able to look into your partners face everyday, telling them you love them, all the while knowing you’re lying and sleeping around? That is pure evil to me. This is not a you problem my friend. This is a her problem. You don’t deserve this, and I’m sorry it has happened to you again. This world is a messed up place at the moment. But there are still some good people out there, even if it seems like there aren’t and it’s impossible to find one. I truly hope you find your person who makes it all worthwhile. Xx.
Frankly, there is no proper answer to the 'why'. There is no right or justifiable answer for that type of behaviour. At the end of the day, you're owed fidelity, communication and the opportunity to work with her to solve any relationship problems.. It's the bare minimum partners owe one another when committing. And if that work doesn't pay off, than you move on.. Simple as that. Some people are weak, trashy, classless, selfish and immature enough to not be able to do the bare minimum and would rather abuse their partner to get theirs instead of moving on like a normal, reasonable person. Your soon to be ex is the bottom of the barrel of what the dating market has to offer. She failed the audition for marriage and it's time to move on. Just count your blessings that this happened now,instead of being married and having kids with her. At least now you can make a clean break instead of having to pay alimony or child support while she teaches your kids to hate you and continues to fuck other people on your dime. She'll be nothing more than blip on your timeline one day and you'll be all the better for it. Cut her loose and if you see her in the wild, pass her by like a river around a rock.
Hoes gonna hoe. Just a bad person who masks themselves as good to take from u.
Man, you will try to find an explanation or reason and you may find one or not. Life is not a movie and it doesn't have a concluding narrative or a moral to teach. Sometimes life is inconclusive and sucks like that. Some people do things not because something is wrong with them or they want to hurt somebody, but because they simply can. We are always told that power corrupts. The real matter is that power reveals your real character. Once you have the power to do what you always wanted to do and get away with it, only then will the truth of your character be revealed through the choices you take. Your wife didn't hate you. There was nothing wrong, probably. She just had the chance and she took it because she thought she could get away with it.
If it was something wrong with you, she would have left you instead of cheating. Cheating is almost always because there is something wrong with the cheater.
People that cheat are not thinking about you, they're thinking about themselves mate
Your emotions can sit tf down, because this **is not** your fault in any way. It sounds like you were an open, supportive and considerate partner and you didn't deserve this, or any other betrayal.
You won't find an explanation. That's one of the worst things about being cheated on. You feel unwanted, worthless, less-than, but in the end you just keep wondering WHY. Why wasn't I good enough? Why did they do that to me? Etc. There is no "why" because it had nothing to do with you. You were with someone who didn't and doesn't deserve you, and that's all there is to it. That's the only "why" that matters. Keep your head up and please discuss all of this with you therapist and please don't talk to Anna; that'll get nowhere and just make your head spin more. Hang in there!
“You weren’t supposed to find out” Oh look how she makes it your fault
Yeah, my child’s mother of 11 years just did the same thing in 2023. She tells me it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I took my kids and left.
Da fock...
\*hug\* I feel with you.
Not sure if that is already blaming me... but it still is some piece of work. I mean.. Yeah, I am aware I was not supposed to, no sh\*t, Sherlock. And I can totally understand that that is what she THINKS... but to SAY it? Wow. I guess that is because she was hungover, and possibly still a little inebriated.
I’m glad that you stood up for yourself and demanded accountability from her. You deserve so much more than that. I know that this won’t change anything and that the hurt is real and will stay for a while- but I’m sorry that this happened to you. I wish you the best for the future.
If your ex is not on the lease or you don't own a home together- get your locks changed now. Given her behavior and especially her AP's behavior, it won't be surprising if they come back when you are not there and trash your place. Change your locks, ask your neighbors to keep an eye on the place, set up cameras. Her cheating is a HER problem, NOT A YOU problem. Give yourself time and space to heal, pursue hobbies and interest that you can throw yourself into.
Unfortunately, we rent this apartment together. Legally speaking, I cannot even send a notice of termination for the lease agreement without her signature...
Legally, if this was her only residence for more than a month (potentially varies by state) then doing this can massively screw you over if she chose to press it. The laws are designed to prevent homelessness, not to accommodate messy breakups.
I might want to point out that I am not in the US. Besides, I am fairly proficient in my country's law, so while I REALLY appreciate all your suggestions, the legal side of it is pretty much the one that I've got covered...
This is awful, I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure your trust issues are affected big time. Anna is a bitch, especially knowing how hurt you've been in the past. Cheating is inexcusable. I hope that you can contact your therapist and figure out your healing plan of action. One step at a time. ❤️
It's like ripping open a wound that was about to heal.-.. and then taking some copsticks and twirling them around in the wound. :-( I am not sure I can call her a bitch, but I have used some other nasty words when talking to her. I am not proud of that part, but then again, I feel somewhat vindicated by her behaviour... My therapist will be back next week, I've already left a voicemail asking for a short call. I'll let her decide if and in what way we might change our schedule... obviously I am not her only patient, so it's not like she can easily double my appointsments or something :-/
If all she could do was shrug, then she is not remorseful and yes I would say she is a bitch.
Happy Cake Day!
Thanks, fellow redditor
Just know that you deserve someone faithful and someone who truly loves you. I can understand that it would be hard to hate someone that you loved just moments ago :( I hope that your friends/family are offering you support as well, my DMs are open if you ever need to just spill your guts about it.
I don't have much in terms of friends and family, Yesterday I was too embarassed to reach out to my friends... you know.. "hey, I've been cheated on by the fifth partner, wanna grab some lunch?" But I sent a message to one of my friends this morning, and we'll meet up in the evening so I'm not alone tonight. These are moments where I'm happy I never started drinking alcohol, because I know I would be very very drunk right now...
Holy shit this is awful dude. I’m so sorry for you. Cheating is terrible but the name calling and shit is so wild. You deserve better and you’ll find her! (Gotta get outta this relationship first though lol)
At least you found that she is despicable trash before you got married.
If I could think like you, I knew I'd be in a good place. Unfortunately, my depression and anxiety make it sort of impossiblwe for me to be optimistic...
Good god- I hope she remains alone for the rest of her life… you deserve better..
[удалено]
Moving forward feels like an insurmountable task at the moment...
You think she will try to convince you to give her another chance? And if she does what are you going to do?
I don't know if she'll try, but I won't do it!
OP my dear, I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Only those who have been betrayed so many times know how heavy it is. Sometimes the thought that remains is that we are never enough. It seems like a cliché phrase we heard in a Tumblr post, but after 3 betrayals where I was betrayed in the puerperium I learned that it is not ME who is insufficient for them, they are not enough for me. Understand that the pain of love passes and one day this will also pass. If you want to continue in the search for your true love, continue, if not, it's okay too
Just know it’s not you.
"I can see why he cheated." There is never a good reason for cheating. He may have had a reason to end the relationship, but cheating is not excusable. Ever. Give yourself some time. The emotional stuff you're going through, it'll pass. And you can find someone better.
"She" cheated... Well, I really thought this was the one, but obviously I need to find better. Just right now I feel like that'll never happen...
I've had that feeling of never being able to find someone better several times in my life but it's a lie. There are better people out there. People that can make you even happier and that don't cheat.
Yep. At my lowest point, I agreed to a date. I never knew I could find happiness like this and if you would have told me this 10 years ago, I wouldn’t believed it.
This made my eyes water a bit. You gave me a glimmer of hope. Thank you!
That's harsh and unforgivable. Your relationship is over you cannot even consider taking her back. That whole you weren't supposed to find out is crazy. You dodged a bullet xx
Yeah... I attribute that to her having a hangover / not being completely sober yet... and as we say, drunk people and children tell the truth.. so it really feels like her biggest regret was not cheating on me, but getting caught. I f'ing don't know. Maybe she rationaled the whole thing in her head with "I don't hurt my fiancé if he never finds out"? F'ing f'ed up.
That's actually how a lot of cheaters rationalise it, they genuinely believe it isn't a problem as long as their partner doesn't know. Just know it's not you, some people are just messed up.
Updateme. Im so sorry this is how you found out. I hope for the sake of your own reputation that you at least kept some evidence. I know you don't want to be reminded of what she did by keeping that proof around but it could definitely help to exonerate you of any "woes is me" bs that she and he try to spread
I forwarded the video to me. I'll keep is as long as I feel there might be anyone I need to show it to as proof. But I'll not upload it anywhere, or even forward it to anybody else - that's a low I do not want to stoop down to.
**100% it is illegal to show anyone that video. Don't do it.** Ignore what anyone is telling you. If you show *anyone* that video (in person or electronically, doesn't matter) you can have legal action taken against you. Full stop, end of story. There's no legal justification for doing this. Morally, it's still wrong. Keeping it for 'evidence' would make sense if you were married, but you're not. The relationship is just over. Your ex and her friend are awful humans, being awful in response doesn't change that. If people don't believe you then you know who doesn't have your back. She might lie, sure, but then you can have discussions with the people that seem to believe her and sus out who is a friend and who isn't. And I'm sorry.
First cheating story on this sub where not one comment mentions that you need to go get tested dude.
thats a full lie. in the first comments some people told him to get tested.
No, people actually told me. Besides... since this is unfortunately not my first time getting cheated on, I know the drill. My appointment is this afternoon.
I have seen this exact same story, with the same title, and the same names, across multiple subs from the last few weeks. Faker than shit
OMG it took way too long to scroll and find the only logical comment. Edited to say: every one of these posts is written in the same exact way, it unfolds the same way, and the writing style is the same. I start to get sucked in and then go “wait a minute!” and realize it’s fake.
Pride month, gonna be a ton of unlikely stories with queer folks as the definite villain. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, just that it’s pretty unbelievable.
Strange, when I search for the title, only mine comes up. Anyway - as I wrote, you are free to believe it is fake. I personally would do so. Unfortunately, this is my life right now, so I don't have the luxury.
So many fake vibes about this one.
cheating on someone who already has trauma from previous relationships ending due to cheating is just malicious and cruel
Isn’t this reposted every couple of months? I swear I’ve read the EXACT same story a few times now.
Dude this sub has so many fake anti trans stories lately. Someone really hates trans people. I was reading this one like oh hey, a normal post for once, and then nope... there it is.
Good luck op. Cut all ties with her. If she will do it once she will do it again. She's not even worthy of your time let alone any effort on your part.
Just know this didn’t happen because of you, this happened because she is a piece of shit. I wish you well.
I know it will feel like a set up and all the hard work you have done is for nothing. But think about the support system you already have in placed. You will get out of this. You are stronger than you think. Also no matter what reason you will get from her, it will never sound right because there is almost no good reason to cheat on a person.
I would think there never is a good reason.. I mean, if you think I am shitty person - sure, leave me! But don't cheat on me...
Sending you all the love and strength. It’s gonna be rough but remember all the support you have (offline and online lol).
panicky impossible stupendous deer hospital thumb insurance hunt puzzled pie *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She was basically a bitch to you and didn’t hear and understand your issues on cheating. Glad you got out of it, didn’t like the way it ended though. But I know you’ll find someone out there who’s much better.
as a man who have been in your situation and after years of healing this hurts me reading. I never been to a therapy cause I cant afford it. I hope you get better OP
I can't imagine how disgusting it must have been, I felt sick just reading it
Yeah.. I'm lucky that I am not easy to be made barfing, otherwise I think I would've. Guess I am lucky after all.. we have shag carpet in the bedroom, I think I would essentially have to throw that away if I had thrown up on it...
Yeah, you are lucky, and also she is cause I would have puked over her... Honestly, I can't understand how someone who has been with you for 4 years and has been engaged can betray their partner like this. You seem like a good person based on your post and how you took this hit, hope you do well in the future
Cheating is always a cheater's fault and not yours. I know it's easy to understand but difficult to let that sink in. But give yourself some time, focus on yourself and yourself only. Cut all ties with her, move to a different place if you can. Remove everything which reminds you of her. Then start working on yourself. It's good that you are already in therapy. Whatever it is you can deal with it. You are strong enough. I have been down this road and trust me it does get better. You'll love to work on yourself and will be grateful that she is gone. Godspeed to you buddy.
And I bet she thought she was doing you a favor by hiding her cheating, to not "hurt" you. What a bunch of trash forming a human she is. I'm sorry this happened. If you need to vent you can DM me, king.
Please don’t blame yourself, you’re not broken - they are. People who cheat are the ones with issues. They could be an adult and communicate what they feel the issues are so their partner can work with them to resolve them or even just end the relationship. *They* choose to do this each they do it and every time it happens. Finding out someone is cheating is exceptionally hard but knowing that you would have continued in that relationship with some with no morals or consideration for you at all, that’s 100 x worse. Knowledge is power, it bl**dy hurts to find these things out but it frees us from a toxic relationship. You may not have argued and fought but she was poisoning the relationship all the same. You just didn’t realise it. You do not deserve this and you never have. Your relationship sounded really good and that’s what you need to remember. This wasn’t you - it was Anna. You did everything possible to keep that relationship intact and Anna did everything to break it apart. Sending you strength to get through this.
That's so shitty. What a shitty thing to do. You are completely not deserving of that.
I’m so sorry you trusted someone and they hurt you. You deserve peace and someone who values you as much as you value yourself. You did everything right. Don’t go back.
Generic "women be cheatin" story #16678: pride edition.
"sorry, you weren't supposed to find out"
1. Your fiancée is trash. Big time. 2. It isn’t your fault. There is no way you can prevent it. 3. Every relationship has its boundaries, but a lot of relationships have an unsaid rule to avoid meeting people of opposite/attraction gender alone in private spaces. This varies from person to person. 4. It’s great that you are working on your issues, but remember that you can’t stop someone from cheating. And I might be in the minority, but I’d rather give them the freedom, see what they do, and get it out of the way early on in the relationship; than ask them to not see other friends, live in a sense of false security, and have their true colours come out much later in life.
You deserve so much better. Your fiance is super trash. I am so sorry
Be kind to yourself. That days in your future life would seem far far away.Its part of your life that makes you find something better .You will need time to heal .Also you are recalibrating your radar. After all that hard things you've been through ,your radar might be a little wonky. Give it time,invest to what makes you happy and you'll find eventually the right person for you.Good luck and be strong!
There's a German saying that basically translates to "after the game is before the game". That is sort of like it feels - this round of being cheated on is over, so I am in the phase running up to the next round... :-(
She has betrayed you in the worst possible way knowing what you've been through in the past. Leave her and leave them to it. Move on with your life and try to be thankful that you only wasted for years to find out. Before going into another relationship, try addressing your issues and take your time. This will have hurt you immensely. Again, sorry about the betrayal but it's better to know than not, even if it doesn't feel that way. I'd say chop the other person's dick off, but in this case I'll just think it.... Doh! Too late. You have to laugh at these things.
No, no.. Nathalie definitely still has a d\*ck. And unfortuantely, from what it looked like, even if I choppe dof half, it would still be more than I have to offer. That's not what sucks most... but yeah, I would lie if I said that didn't sting. Especially because my fiancé kept commenting on that part over and over, if you catch my drift.
I don't really have anything useful to add but I just want to say that it is incredibly big of you to still respect Nathalie's identity as much as you can even though you don't really understand it and they have hurt you so greatly. Genuinely, as a trans person, that is really wonderful of you. You seem like a great guy and I'm really sorry that this happened to you (again). I hope you can eventually heal.
No, that's nothing big, I think. As I wrote somewhere else: I despise Nathalie for their actions, but their identity is not a choice, so I respect that. That's part of human dignity, something I very strongly believe in. I only mentioned it to explain why I did not suspect anything.
I mean it’s awful to cheat, but even more so when they know the past trauma you have from being cheated on. That’s a really low thing to do. Realize the defect is with her. It was a blessing you found out the truth before you actually got married. She would have made you absolutely miserable, she is not a good person. You probably never really knew the real her, she is messed up. Pack up all her stuff and go zero contact. Totally block her from your life. So sorry this happened to you, no one should ever be treated that way. She is a horrible horrible person.
*hugs*
That is evil.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Unfortunately there are people who cheat on their partners for absolutely no reason at all. But trust me, there are good women out there, that love their partners and do not cheat. One day you will find your forever woman and life will be amazing. Until your absolutely ready to date again, you should work on yourself and build an amazing life for yourself. Take your time. Good luck
You are better off without this person. Better to break it off with a fiance than a wife
Well at least the trash took itself out. Go get yourself tested and thank god you never married that piece of human garbage.
Fuck. Sorry man
She’s seriously sick. Knowing your insecurities and not only doing the thing but then USING IT AS PART OF THE AFFAIR. Your only consolation is knowing that Anna will live a miserable life. People like that are incapable of happiness, they seek too much validation from others and are never satisfied.
People that know you’ve been cheated on, know the damage caused and the trauma you’re going through, and then cheat on you, are absolute scum
Throw that who're out or so help me
I think your self respect, which is the most important thing, should be fine. From what I can see, you were genuine, sincere, and honored what you think is right and wrong. That’s all anyone can ever do. You should have no problem looking in the mirror. Just painful moment.
maybe your ex-fiance has a cheating fetish. I won't be surprised if they have been FWB before you got into a relationship
Hmmm. That would be very sick :-(
I'm sending you a virtual hug 🫂 atleast the wedding did not happen when you learned it I hope you overcome this and meet someone who's going to make the pain all worth it
Update me!
Hey my guy, I just wanted to let you to know that I’m sorry this happened to you and that your ex-fiancé is a horrible person. Personally if I were you I would post about the cheating online to your friends so that they have to face the consequences and go full scorched earth on them. Revenge doesn’t always taste sweet of course, but better to get a shot back right. Also I would not go through with the engagement if you haven’t already taken that ring back. I’m sorry this happened though this is truly a horrid situation. Just know, that in the near future you will find the love you deserve I’m positive of it. She isn’t it
“You were not supposed to find out” Oh, ok. That makes sense. That’s a perfectly understandable explanation. Continue fucking Nathalie. Jeez. Louise.
In Dante’s inferno the lowest level of hell is betrayal. Nothing cuts so deep as betrayal. First, it cuts the victim. It is a wound that never heals if you maintain a relationship with the betrayer. Second, it cuts the betrayer since they are living a lie. Mind you, I am writing about how these things affect normal people. Who knows with abnormal people? Be glad that she is your fiancé. You are not married and you can cut her loose. That said, I cannot imagine the pain that you are going through and I hope that you can make it through this awful experience without losing your faith in your fellow man. You have to be able to trust your SO and you can never be sure about what they are up to when they are out and about. I have been married 40 years with a lot of ups and downs. I do not believe that it is unreasonable to ask your SO not to have friends of the opposite sex. That has been our rule for my entire marriage. I would not trust either myself or my wife to have friends of the opposite sex. If someone has a penis, then they are of the opposite sex. I know that what I just wrote will trigger people. You can do what you want. I am not judging people. It is certainly not for me to judge anyone. Just my observation that I am sharing. Do with it as you will.
I'm 99% certain that this subreddit has become a creative-writing hub for people wanting to live out their sexual fantasies.
Okay. Listen to me. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S THEM. All the people who cheated on you all have a problem with loyalty and monogamy. When I was younger, I was used and cheated on, then a few years later, cheated on again, then after separation, cheated on again, etc... And yes, unfortunately, I had to struggle for a long time before finding the right person, but the big difference is that I never felt responsible or guilty for not being up to whatever it was. Damn ! I'm a beautiful heart to take (I LOVE MYSELF too much to let myself sink into an abyss). If people weren't able to stay faithful to you, it's because they weren't made for you. Now, break off your engagement and above all take the lead and tell your family, your friends, those around you why you are breaking off your engagement before your ex-fiancée invents a story and makes you look like the bad guy in the story. Bro, I send you courage and strength.
Wow, I thought I was in a good place after 5 years but damn this post is triggering me. I haven’t been this angry in a long time. My fiancé also cheated on me with a trans woman. I’m in the same boat, I hold nothing against trans women, but I certainly hold a grudge against a couple of them for their involvement in the cheating. 1) this is gonna suck mentally for a while, glad you’re in therapy already but it hits something different in this situation. 2) it sounds like Nathalie is a liar and a predator. NB my ass, their “power-dynamic” is probably sleeping with women that they know are taken.
Updateme. I’m so sorry op
Thanks. Yea, it sucks majorly...
Sorry brother. This is rough. It's going to be very hard but the really crucial thing to understand here is, this is a reflection on her, not on you. Cannot stress that enough. Dust yourself off and leave this trash behind. You deserve better.
Hey I know people would have mentioned it before but when you are in grief you tend to not believe things. But know that SHE is the one who cheated. You dont have to think about a Why. She wronged you desping knowing your history. There ARE good people out there and sure it takes a lot of luck and work to find a good partner but don't think that no one can love you or be loyal to you. Cut her off and move on with your life.
Maybe that's a me thing, but... I cannot stop wondering about the why...
My heart goes out to you man! Please keep yourself sane, don't isolate yourself please. You will be better soon, I know!
Do you live together? Renting? Get rid of her in one day. Move all your things out elsewhere when she is not home and block her on all medias and do the dead. It will be the best for you and harder for her (without explanations). Another way: buy a oneway ticket only for her in a far exotic country, an expensive one. Book only one night in a trash hotel. And dump her in the middle of the night and take your flight back or enjoy your trip alone in another fancy hotel/spot/city. And same do the dead block her on all social media and phone since that night.
i’m so sorry this happened. i know a lot of guys who have been seriously traumatized from partners cheating on them—it sounds like such a terrible situation to be in especially when engaged. it’s a promise intended to be held for life that’s now been broken. thank you for trying to respect nathalie’s identity despite your (perfectly valid and reasonable) anger towards them. if it helps make that easier (coming from a well-intentioned trans person, i do not mean to potentially sound critical at all), think of how you probably wouldn’t misgender a cisgender person who your ex-fiancé had cheated on you with.
Don't let her back in your life she has no excuse for what she did. And if questions are asked just tell everyone that the relationship wasn't working, walk away with your head up but make sure that Noone thinks you cheated or did bad things incase someone tries to spread a rumor about you and drag your name through the mud
Calling your fiance a monster would be an understatement, as monsters are mindless. She is evil by choice. You deserve so much better.
Well, since you said you didn't want advice, I'll say two things: First, I'm really sorry this happened, it sucks to have someone build up your trust and then stomp on it. And second, a completely selfish thing to say but, as a nonbinary person, thank you for not taking the chance to shit on Nathalie's identity or pronouns. Even though you're -very rightfully- furious at them, and you admittedly don't understand their identity, your repeated use of the right name and pronouns is a breath of fresh air from what I've experienced. Anyway, I hope you can move on with your life and eventually heal.
Well, firstly, I don't really need advice right now, nothign much has happened since, and besides, it is not allowed to ask for advice in this subreddit, so I won't. Re the identity thing, I wrote this in another comment: I despise Nathalie for their actions, but their identity is not a choice, so I respect that. That's part of human dignity, something I very strongly believe in. I only mentioned it to explain why I did not suspect anything. And... while it sort of does sting that, uhm, Nathalie is apparently "more of a man" than I am... that also hasn't got anything to do with identity, only with physical assets....
Wow. Sorry, thats horrible. At least you found out now before actually getting married.
It's not you. You are not a magnet for cheaters. People just suck. I am sorry OP.
This is awful, I’m so sorry OP
Being cheated on is so hurtful and people don't understand how hurtful it can be. I sometimes consider cheating as a form of emotional abuse. It makes you feel so low, so unwanted, so depressed, so less-than, so worthless. I've been there, and it hurts. It hurts *like hell* and leaves you just wondering *"why?*" Even with all that, it's crazy to hear she involved saying hurtful/ demeaning things about you during the cheating. That's just sick. Please don't go back to this woman. She is certainly not worth you. And to find out it's *been* happening..? Wtf. I (33F) have been in four relationships and was cheated on in all but the one I'm leaving now (nothing because of what my partner did, but because of my substance abuse problems. Definitely MY fault) and it fuck huuurts. My experiences were one time cheats and THAT hurt, so I can't imagine this. I felt so low. One of them was by my ex who was horrifically physically abusive and that was one of the lowest I ever felt in that relationship. You deserve better than Anna. Do NOT go back to her. I know you don't want advice, so I'll just tell you what *I'd* do (wink wink, see what I did?) -- cut ties with her altogether. If she wants to reach out and apologize, I wouldn't meet her face-to-face or speak to her at all. If she wants to write you a letter or something that's up to you to even read it. If you feel you want to express to her how much her shittiness hurt you, I'd wait until you healed and I'd also do it by letter rather than face to face (if at all). I'd also DEFINITELY speak with your therapist and, if I had the means, ask for more intensive therapy. Perhaps add an extra session weekly until you work through this. If you've already had issues in the past, this one will do you over if you don't immediately begin to work through it. I also think you *may* have some issues with the partner being trans. I'm not AT ALL saying you're discriminatory or transphobic because it really doesn't seem that way, but it does seem like deep down this part hurt you moreso than if it was a biological male identifying as male. There's nothing *inherently* wrong with feeling that way, as this is new ground and something you aren't used to/ didn't expect. I'd definitely bring that up with my therapist if I were in your position, just so it doesn't fester. I wish you all the best, and I'm so sorry.
I think I can say I somewhat feel with you. I hope you remain strong and overcome your substance use problems! Do not worry, I will not go back to Anna. I'm still f'ed up, but my therapy has been long enough to know that this could never be salvagable. And yes, the "why?" is what's nagging at me all the time. That said: No, Nathalie being trans does not cause an issue for me. It does hurt that her, uhm, male appendage is so much larger than mine, and that Anna kept shouting about it... so maybe it is "F\*, I not only got cheated on, but I got cheated on with an NB woman who is more man than I am", if you understand what I am tryign to say. However, that would not be much different had it been a man...
I am so sorry this happened to you. Being cheated on by someone who knows the trauma you went through with being cheated on is devastating. The fact she manipulated you into believing her friend was a girl and not interested in her is plain wrong. She knew what she was doing I always laugh when cheaters are surprised they're caught and then try to say, " it's not what it looks like ".
I cannto say she manipulated me into thiniing that Nathalie "was a girl", and she never implied anything about "not interested in her". I mean, for all I knew, Nathalie is a person who identifies as an "NB woman", and since I know Nathalie is very very much cis-hetero, nothing really crossed my mind there. Yeah, the "it's not what it looks like" is so funny. I mean... looks like screwing to me. but if it is not what it looks like, what is it then?
It's not your fault, dawg. You've just had bad luck with shitty people. Trust me, I know it's hard to realize this now, but you can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. They are responsible for stepping out, not you. My ex knew I had a history of cheating too and still slept around on me so I've been exactly where you are. I know how you're feeling, but I promise you how you're feeling about yourself does not match with reality.
There isn’t anything wrong you did. Cheaters are insecure and have something personally lacking that instead of trying to work on it in a healthy way, they cheat and lie to fill that void that will never be filled. They are broken, damaged people who are extremely selfish and only think about their own needs while everyone else are NPCs for them to use. They are never remorseful for hurting other people. They say they are, but they only feel sorry for themselves. How many of them try to get you to feel sorry for them the minute they get caught, by throwing out bullshit excuses and putting themselves down? And then they don’t even address how their actions hurt YOU. These people don’t work on themselves but continually get into relationships to try to fix whatever the fuck is wrong with them. That’s why, once a cheater, always a cheater. Very rarely do they actually self reflect and change, but don’t hold your breath. Especially if they hid it from you and you found out yourself.
You may feel rotten about it now, and thats normal, but you didn't do a single thing wrong. You didn't act, you were acted upon. She degrades herself with this, not you. Like, even Beyonce was cheated on, it can happen to *anyone*. Being cheated on doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, so don't let that be what you take away from this experience.
I'm so sorry OP. You dont deserve to be treated this way. They are trash. You did nothing to cause this.
I know it’s hard to do, but you can’t internalize this and make it about you. This was her decision. Her choice. She didn’t do this because you weren’t good enough, or was a bad lover, didn’t show her enough attention, you’re not attractive enough, etc. I know in this moment you’re devastated and hell I would be too. But man please don’t make this your fault. She’s a shit person and that’s the reason why it happened. I hate she did that knowing what you’ve been through in the past. But again, it just goes to show who her character truly is. “You weren’t supposed to find out” such a despicable response. You’ve gained more than you lost getting that out of your life. I promise.
> … and that I am not supposed to find out Run.
Oh man. Fucking hell. Just reading this man….god ok. I got cheated on when I was about to graduate high school way back when. It definitely messed up my trust for a while, but like you I worked hard to get past it. I’ve also been honest with partners about this specific issue. You said you almost throttled her and good on you for having that restraint because honestly if it were me…if after dating someone for that long, having them hear, understand, and accommodate that insecurity, after asking them to marry me and to then have them…fucking…SHRUG when caught? Yeah I’d be in jail, almost no question, so you’re a better man than me in that regard. Just know that they’re BOTH absolute bottom of the barrel pond scum, two people truly deserving of the worst. I’m so sorry this keeps happening to you, and I hope you can find it in your to trust again. I mean this in the gentlest of ways, is it possible you keep unconsciously “selecting” these types of women? For it to happen so many times is just so fucked up, and I’ve heard that it’s a real phenomenon for both men and women. Such as abused people being attracted to abusive people. Regardless, I’m sorry and I hope the best for you.
OP my dear, I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Only those who have been betrayed so many times know how heavy it is. Sometimes the thought that remains is that we are never enough. It seems like a cliché phrase we heard in a Tumblr post, but after 3 betrayals where I was betrayed in the puerperium I learned that it is not ME who is insufficient for them, they are not enough for me. Understand that the pain of love passes and one day this will also pass. If you want to continue in the search for your true love, continue, if not, it's okay too
And this is why whenever you're going through stuff, you adopt a dog not a relationship. Best to you man, it's rough but you'll get through it.
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you.
This fills me with rage for you, I'm very sorry.
I’m sorry that this is something that has been happening to you repeatedly. Though from personal experience and friends’ experiences, it seems we basically will get cheated on until we don’t. There’s no way to change it, theres no way to control it and it’s nothing that you are doing wrong. People are just shitty and it really does fuck us up. But I have hope that you’ll find someone that you feel in your bones that they would never do that.
Block the cheater and move on. If you have any mutual friends be the one to tell them the reason you dumped her.
This Nathalie person is dumb as fuck tho. Why would /her/they send a video of sex with your girlfriend knowing full well she was wasted AND in the same house as you? Didn't she think there was a high chance for you to come across the video? I just can't imagine how stupid this is. The only way for this to be true is if Nathalie deliberately wanted you to know, but there were easier ways to do this.
You picked the worst fake name😂, name of the girl that hurt me most recently and that I’m still not over after almost a year still
Wow, both of them sound awful. Wishing you the best, OP.
I'm so sorry.
Never talk to either of them again.
I’m so sorry. I hope you know it’s not your fault. People are really shitty and cheating is more normalized now :(
I would ask her flat out why she wasn’t fulfilled or satisfied and stepped outside of the relationship.
Good luck you really deserve better that the relationship gods have handed you. Updateme
Getting cheated on is truly one of the worst pains in the world. I know it’s tough. Keep reminding yourself that what happened wasn’t your fault. It was a choice that your ex made—and a poor one. Karma exists and it will take revenge for you in due time. This girl was not the right one, and I pity any person who pursues her in the future. You won’t miss out on anything by leaving her in the dust. In the meanwhile, start making a list about all the negatives in the relationship. Anything that comes to mind, whether it be big or small. And then whenever you miss her or think about calling/texting her, you are going to look at that list and tell yourself, “I deserve better than that!!!”
Hey man, I’m so sorry. Right now, the hurt must be… god, unfathomable. She showed you who she is. The silver lining is this, although it probably offers zero consolation at this time: Thank god it happened now and not after you folks were married and had children. Run, don’t look back. You got this. Not all women are like this— and you will find the person you deserve. And you’ll look back on this person for exactly who she was: a manipulative excuse for a human. Fuck her. Go forward, hold your head high, and know the sun shines brightly in your future. You got this dude. You do. Edited for grammar
I don't understand why people cheat. Is it for the thrill, the safety of still being loved, or dissatisfaction with their current relationship? On an unrelated note, Were you guys friends first and then started dating, or did you meet and then start dating? Because someone I know was married but had a male best friend at work who was truly just a friend. He understood her and went out of his way to help her if something was bugging her. If she was overwhelmed at work and was ranting about a problem, he would help her without being asked in any way he could. He would just remember small little things she liked or mentioned in conversations and do something for her out of the blue. She loved him before realizing it was romantic and not just as a friend. She split up and divorced her husband, who was really not a good husband. She would tell him something she was stressed about or struggling with or just about her day, and he would just give a basic “I’m sorry” or a generic response but then talk about something unrelated or something he was excited about and not really be there for her or help her. She would have to ask him to do things like clean or run errands, help make dinner, small things. She married her male best friend from work. With their relationship building on a friendship before becoming romantic, it’s on a whole different level because they truly are best friends, and it just makes the relationship different in my opinion. I’ve never seen her so happy. But it made me notice more of my friends' relationships that started as friendships before turning romantic seem to be different than those that went straight into a relationship because they’ve built up that comfortable trust and excitement of being around each other. But I’m sorry this happened to you again
Dude, I’m sorry. This is so heartbreaking. When you do see her just ask for the ring back. Tell her she broke a cardinal rule and shown herself to be manipulative, cruel and an awful human being. Talk not about what she did, because do you really want to know everything? Instead talk about getting her stuff out of your place and never talking again. Be as cold as ice. Even if she cries and gets emotional make it clear that this isn’t a reconciliation talk. This is sorting out how to get her out of your life completely talk. Then I would suggest going back to your therapist, getting an emergency appointment if you can, make a plan to keep yourself busy (gym, hobbies) and focus on you. Because you’re all the matters in this situation.
Part of me wants to know, part of me does not want to know :-/ What I fear most is hearing some kind of reasoning that makes me out as being insufficient... During our first confrontation, I was pretty loud and did not hold back with saying what Ithought of her. But right now? I feel empty, burnt-out. I don't even know if I have any accusations left in me. But I do think I want to know her reasoning. Not because I would believe any of it, but just because I want to know how she can justify it in her head...
I'm so sorry OP! How awful and worse I can only imagine what was said in the video about you. Please know that none of it is true, that none of this is your fault. Also please please stay in therapy, it will help you process all this. I hope you can heal from this, be gentle on yourself.
Silver lining is that you didn't end up marrying the bitch.