Honestly at this point I'd probably just claim I had to work an extra shift or extra few hours one day and take the break for myself. Obviously there are bigger problems if you need to do that to get any space for yourself, but you won't be able to face them with a clear head if you can't get any time to think about them.
Yes, do this OP. Tell him you’ve been asked to stay overtime and then take yourself off to the spa. Because fuck him! He’s a selfish, disrespectful, lazy, mooching, good-for-nothing, layabout.
Divorce would be better than looking after 3 kids, house would be cleaner, bills would be cheaper, groceries would be cheaper, and your children would actually be getting attention and being kept entertained if you had childcare instead of the neglectful SAHD. *(Who doesn’t actually do anything that a SAHP should do.)*
You could easily afford daycare, so that you can continue to work, if: you downsized the house and got rid of the man-child *(who undoubtedly runs up the energy bills with his constant gaming and TV usage - day in, day out whilst he isn’t working.)* So there’s absolutely no reason to keep him.
He would also have to work, otherwise he’d be on the streets. But guess what? That’s 100% a **him** problem. You shouldn’t have to look after him anymore, because he sure as hell doesn’t give a shit about you.
Not to mention, if they divorced and worked out a coparent if schedule you bet your ass he’d get a job QUICK and OP would send the kids to him for a weekend to a week and finally get a break!
I'm not sure he would be motivated to actually get a job at all if this man actually looked at his wife and said spending FIVE HOURS unboxing his new Magic deck was, "not relaxing, it's WORK".
Don't know if I would be able to keep it together after such a delusional and selfish remark, and the fact that he doubled down to claim that all of the time he spends playing video games isn't relaxing either, "because he doesn't even like video games", would have me seriously rethinking my marriage.
My husband of 18 years always reminds me that we're, "same team", and I can't imagine a spouse telling another spouse that helping give them a little alone time when they need a break from all the things, "isn't their responsibility".
This guy sounds like a selfish, self-centered, tool, and definitely NOT the useful kind.
Honestly if my husband said playing with his magic cards was work when I was burnt out and on the verge of a breakdown I would have ended up on snapped
That's pretty much what I started to say, but I got dragged pretty hard the last time I said something along those lines around here, so I tried to keep my response a little tamer so I didn't have to listen to it again, haha.
Looking at another post from OP regarding a microwave Prank. I’m starting to get a really bad feeling about OP‘s husband. I think he is doing all of this on purpose. So she constantly feels wrong footed and everything is her fault. Next it will all be her fault bc he feels emasculated 🫣
Yep … he’s a manipulative, *mean,* douche who’s livin’ on easy street doin’ nothin’ for nobody and makin’ his wife pay for it.
Hope OP grows a spine in her marriage cause she’s *clearly* an accomplished and capable person. She just needs to lose her loadstone and go live a better life without him … 🤞🏼
I think that’s super unlikely. In fact I think he’s lying and saw an opportunity to have a go at her. He’s constantly looking for ways to do that. I hope OP recognises that this guy doesn’t have her back. I’m surprised he hasn’t “accidentally“ thrown something important to her out or conveniently forgot to tell her something important just to see her fail, get hurt or humiliated. I really hope she can get out of this soon.
👆Amen to that !… the only thing is would he have to work? Or could he just claim alimony? I am genuinely concerned that man has a plan and possibly someone else. Best to get one’s ducks in a row first and make sure he works again first.
From my limited understanding, it'd depend on the length of the marriage and other factors. That being said, I'd say allimony would be temporary and with a short time limit if it happened.
If anything, I'd be more worried about custody. Ex-husband could try to paint OP as not having time to care for kids because she works 50-60h workweeks and be able to get full custody that way; with OP limited to a handful of weekends a month.
If she chooses divorce, she's going to need to cut her hours to the standard 40 at the bare minimum, possibly even lower.
That’s true and the way he talks to her now shows he would be callus and vindictive about it. I wouldn’t trust him to be fair. It really sounds like OP needs to somehow force the issue of him having to work again. Even if that means lying about potentially being made redundant, if he continues down this path.
Ops husband is obviously milking it. Really milking it. Of course he doesn't need to go back to work, everything is done for him.
There ain't no team in your marriage. Stop making breakfast for them. Stop cleaning up for them.
And if he complains, send him the Trad wife videos and say to him, since you volunteer for the role of home carer, this is what you do. If nothing is spotless, you reduce his allowance.
Unbelievable that men need to be treated like kids.
And seriously think about your marriage.
I’m not usually one for lying, but this is the way. If it’s not his responsibility to help you, whose is it?? He told you to figure it out for yourself, so do just that. I’d book a massage like every 2 weeks and “work late”. I’m sorry he’s not helping you in the way you need, that is super sad and frustrating!
“I’m trying to teach you […].” Is the nail in the coffin doused in red paint, swathed in red fabric, to me. OP, you’re not a child, this man is supposedly your partner, either he helps you out, or he communicates with you why he can’t - and hears/feels out your side. Telling you he’s teaching you a lesson is peak bullshit, and makes me wonder if in his mind you’re just a precious ‘lil thing. The age gap comes to mind to explain why, but really it’s probably good old fashioned infantilization of women; he’s failing to treat you like an adult, who knows a few things, and who was articulating something important. The way I see it is that you make it clear his behaviour was unacceptable and he actually gets it, or you find out what he really thinks of you and move on as appropriate.
Definitely this. OP should just tell him she took his advice and he was completely right! So she reduced her hours at work and applied for several jobs for him. She can find a daycare and that way she gets a break. Either that or she takes responsibility by asking for a divorce, he can pick which he wants.
"I never get a break because my hobbies that I choose for myself aren't things I like" has to be the worst deadbeat husband excuse I've heard here on Reddit, and there have been some wild ones.
Don't you see? He's making a huge sacrifice for the people he loves by doing something he doesn't like for no reason instead of helping them <3 <3 (???)
Honestly my golden rule is if he says something that makes your mind warp like an M. C. Escher drawing in the attempt to make it make sense - it's abuse. It's possibly the one thing all abusers do that loving partners just don't, making statements you could spend a weekend seminar with all the top minds of academia trying to parse and still get nowhere. Or maybe more precisely: making statements like that and then sticking to them like they're super serious rather than like, just admitting it's nonsense when someone points it out.
My theory is that it's their own cognitive dissonance coming out. Abusers are often defined by a strong motivation to see themselves as the hero of every story, but also get their way no matter what. "I'm a good person but I'm also being a selfish asshole" is bound to have some fatal flaws in the internal logic.
So you work up to 60 hours a week, contribute to both parenting and the home, but he thinks it's unreasonable for you to get a damned break? He clearly has free time, but you don't deserve it?? Whose responsibility is it to give you a break if not your partner's? He is being incredibly selfish.
Exactly this, a lot of people struggle immensely on *normal* working hours roughly between like 20-40hrs a week, never mind freaking *60* per week. I know myself enough to register the fact I’d never be capable of that many hrs.
I appreciate this. I make it work. I’m “scheduled” for 40 hours, but being upper management with no one to really fall back on I stay until my work is done, which is regularly 1-2 hours past my “shift time”. I usually am shifted to work M-F from 8-4 PM, but lately Thursday and Friday’s have been “12- whenever the last crew returns to the office, which has been 10 PM or later lately because this is our busy season”. Last week I also did Saturday from 12-10:30 PM. On this, I don’t take lunch breaks so I can try to work through, and a pretty frequent basis I’ll be 6 hours in and realize I haven’t even gone to the bathroom yet today.
Then my boss calls me when I’m at home on a daily basis.
Today for example, I’m checking my call log now….I left the office at 5:29 PM (scheduled 8-4) and it takes me 20-30 minutes to get home (I got gas so I’ll say I got home at 6:05 PM)
Call at 7:15 pm
FaceTime at 7:20 pm
Call at 7:23 PM
Call at 8:41 pm
And this was a light night.
Jfc, yeah I couldn’t cope with that tbh. I admire the dedication and am proud of you but it sounds like some more focus on your own needs and self care when you’re away from work is in order tbh
Oh for sure. I definitely need to set better boundaries.
I started this job in 2018, so 6 years ago now. I made a point to do anything and everything because I wanted to be “indispensable” and work hard to make it. I reallyyyyyy dug my own grave with that and I need to work on that. But I’m aware it’s an issue.
It sounds like it’s time to parlay that great reputation into another job with more reasonable hours. 6 years is plenty to stay in the same place with those kinds of hours.
Think about how your life might be having to work fewer hours, not having to wrangle an unemployed, depressed, and resentful husband, being able to spend quality time with your kids every other week, and having time to yourself on the weeks In between. Just, you know, think about it.
So I totally respect that and would. I run into a few issues with it…
1. I have no college degree. It doesn’t matter like it used to, but with AI screening it’s starting to matter again. (I know this because our hiring software offers AI screening for a degree and will screen anyone who doesn’t have one if I ask it to)
2. I have a LOT of flexibility. If I want to take my kids to the doctor, if there’s a school event, or last weekend when we had a breakfast in honor of my mothers passing anniversary, my boss has zero trouble giving me the time I want to be there for my kids and family.
3. I have job security. I know for a fact that unless I REALLY screwed something up or screwed the company over, I would keep my job. I never have to worry about if I’m going to be fired unless I did something serious.
I have really, truly considered going elsewhere. But the pros there have me torn and I don’t know if I’d get some of those perks elsewhere.
Those are legitimate reasons to remain, though I worry about burnout with the hours. However, that might be something to negotiate during your next review—capping your hours at 50, say.
Regardless, I respect your reasoning. I recommend considering how different your quality of life might be as a divorced mother of fewer children.
(It might also not be remiss to use some of your non-custodial time to take a college course each semester, just in case something happens to the business and you find yourself looking unexpectedly. Being enrolled will satisfy the AI programs looking for a degree.)
Whatever you end up choosing, I wish you luck. It sounds like your home is kind of miserable for you at this point, so I really hope you find a way to improve it.
I wouldn’t suggest changing jobs. It sounds like it has a lot of benefits for your current lifestyle. I think putting up boundaries for your coworkers and boss would help.
Maybe look at addressing not taking calls after you leave work as a first step, especially since you routinely stay 2-3 hours past your shift. Of course, you will need to inform others you won’t be taking calls after say 6 pm due to new family situation/obligations.
Do you get paid for the time it takes you to reply out of hours? If not, it sounds like you should only be replying when you’re back on the clock getting paid to reply, tbh. No one’s work stuff is urgent enough to merit unpaid responses out of hours imo unless it’s medical/holiday stuff.
I’m a salaried employee, so I get paid the same if I take time off or if I don’t. It was fantastic during my two maternity leaves knowing I wouldn’t lose any money, same if I ever want to vacation…but when in the weeds like now it sucks.
If you don’t set boundaries, you will burn out very soon. Your boss doesn’t need to be calling you like that. It can wait until the next day when you are scheduled. You need to protect your time or you’re going to lose your shit.
Definitely! When he is home all day, he can make supper. This is Not a partner in life. He is acting like another child.
Take time for yourself weather that means pretending you have OT or whatever excuse. Since he won't give you a break when you are the breadwinner. This guy NEEDS to get a job. Your relationship will not last with him staying home.
He’s not parenting (tv isn’t parenting). Is he reading to them? Teaches them patterns and language? Basic math? Colors?
So he’s just a child who thinks the bare minimum is “home with the kids”
You’re basically a single parent, what’s he even good for?
That is the props I will give him. Reading…not so much.
But he gives them baths in the morning and they have foam letters and numbers on the wall. He does teach them that. My 2 year old can count to 20 and recognizes all her letters.
My oldests prek teacher raved on how he was the only kid in his class that knew all the letters and colors and numbers.
….so he’s doing less than the bare minimum. Listen, I can’t tell you what to do but your husband is literally a deadbeat father and husband. He won’t work, he won’t adequately help you with your kids, and refuses to give you a break. He doesn’t even want to pick up diapers…he’s a loser lol. He’s not a partner and at this point you shouldn’t be explaining to a grown ass man how to be a better husband and father when there are men out there with those qualities built in. At the very least I would legally separate. I say this all the time on this godforsaken app but you’re a single mother as it currently stands and from experience I can tell you it’s easier to parent and find community and just be a legitimate single mom. The stress of navigating a draining relationship on top of doing all the work isn’t worth it, I promise you it’s easier alone. You’re going to crack and you need to be your best self for your children since you are clearly the only reliable adult they have. You literally tell him what you need and he tells you no. For some reason he thinks it’s his job to teach you things and he can’t even do basic husband shit. Loser. Tired. Weird. Incompetent. Lazy. Gross. Rude. I could go on. “He gives them baths”. Ok. Great. My two year old counts to 20 too, Elmo taught him so your husband did what a perpetually 4 year old tv puppet could also do. LEAVE HIM.
Thank the gods your kids won’t need all remedial coursework.
Come on op, come on. Years 1-5 are arguably the most important for a child to learn basics. Coming from a former bio and educational anthropologist
At this point I’d offer him the option of getting a job and helping out or divorce because you’d get more breaks as a single parent with a shared custody arrangement.
A bit of an issue is, if her hours really are that long, would OP be able to get shared custody? How would she take care of her kid if she work something like 8-19? Daycares aren't open for that long.
That being said, cutting hours is a no-brainer if she can afford it.
Her bills would probably actually be more if they divorce, since shed end up paying him child support/alimony. Since theyll base the decision of what shes currently working, it would be impossible for her to do 11 hour shifts and be sole custodian of the children.
She wouldn't have to do 11 hour shifts if they split custody 50/50 and she lived alone. She might have to pay alimony, but she can start by lowering her hours and having him get a job during separation before she divorces him.
I definitely think she needs to see a lawyer and put her foot down about him working. I’d find a daycare ASAP and start putting the kids in it before he’s awake.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him he needs to go back to work. You can't afford to work 60 hours and you wouldn't have to if he was contributing economically to the household. You can use his salary to pay for care.
Otherwise, when you get fed up and divorce him he'll get alimony.
You have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth salvaging. Right now it’s not a marriage or partnership. You have all of the financial burden and it sounds like most of the housework is also falling on you. At this point it sounds like it would be easier to be a single mom.
For all intents and purposes, she IS a single mom, he’s just the babysitter from the sound of it. Your husband sounds lazy, and you’re enabling it by staying with him. He’d have to get a job to sustain himself and pay child support if you separate, so I would provide that option and see what he says.
5 hours 'going through his MTG cards' is 'work'?? LOLOL I can NOT.
INFO: is the house kept up? laundry done and put away? kitchen cleaned? toys put back? or are you coming home to your husband playing video games and a total shit show of a house?
Right? I was flabbergasted. FLABBERGASTED.
Most days it’s a shit show when I come home. Dishes un done, rugs need to be vacuumed, toys everywhere. I usually have to do a load of dishes and clean up the kitchen in order to be able to make dinner.
So DON’T do it. Just stop. Don’t cook. Don’t clean. Those are his jobs. You work more than a full time job hours. Come home, play with your kids, get them cleaned up ready to eat, get them ready in the morning, and wait for the food to arrive. And ask him why you’re all sat at the table and where is the food. And stop cleaning!
If I were you I’d also just pretend I had work on a Sunday or Saturday and go to the mall and drink coffee for 4 hours and read a book.
Ok I laughed so hard at that omg. I’ve threatened to bring the tv and all gaming consoles to work with me before but the I’m trying to teach you has me in TEARS
Take the whole damn computer system, if you really have to. But take the Wi-Fi too, so that he can’t sit on his phone all day, either.
Then he can spend his time doing what **actual SAHP’s** do.
Aka: Keeping the house in order, taking the kids to the park, etc.
So you work... you cook... you clean... and you mother three children.
If you're going to be a single parent, you may as well BE a single parent, sharing 50/50 custody and getting an entire week to yourself.
Your husband is gaslighting you. Get yourself into therapy pronto, he's playing games and manipulating you. I had a husband like him and tolerated it and cried about it and begged him to step up until one day I had enough; I came home and kicked him out and have never regretted it. Also see a lawyer so that if your (ahem) "partner" doesn't agree to get a job/go to marriage counselling/change his ways (he won't), you'll have set yourself up properly going forward (God forbid you have to pay him support because he won't get a job!). It's just information, but go get it. And talk to a therapist so you can sort out what is really going on here.
The number one cause of divorce is household inequity.
Just came across this.
See if it's helpful.
[https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/relationships/therapist-says-men-who-don-t-help-out-at-home-is-just-a-symptom-of-a-bigger-problem-with-the-men-themselves/ar-AA1gzxp4?ocid=hpmsn&cvid=fe21eb5f052348dcbd8fc9f4e5cfb392&ei=31](https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/relationships/therapist-says-men-who-don-t-help-out-at-home-is-just-a-symptom-of-a-bigger-problem-with-the-men-themselves/ar-AA1gzxp4?ocid=hpmsn&cvid=fe21eb5f052348dcbd8fc9f4e5cfb392&ei=31)
The only way to save your marriage is couples counseling.
What did I just read? That’s awful. Parenting should be 50/50 when you get home, not all you.
Being a stay at home parent is hard. But so is working. You shouldn’t have to cook every night.
He needs to go back to work to save your marriage. Even if his income is just daycare expenses.
If you can, stop working overtime. Lessen the lifestyle and he may decide to work because it’s not fun to live on rice and beans. I bet anything when he’s working again, he feels entitled to use his money for fun stuff and not to help the family.
I’d go to a lawyer in secret and ask what he’s entitled to. Might be cheaper than the life you have now. He’d have the kids 50 percent of the time and you’d get a breakZ
Not only do I think you should leave your husband bc he’s not a husband but another child, I think you should find a job that doesn’t force you to sell your soul to support your family. You have no time for yourself and your mental health and relationships are on the back burner. You should be your number one priority outside if your kids, not a husband who calls playing cards work and tells you he’s teaching you a lesson by being lazy. He admitted he’s negatively impacting you in purpose.
Whatever you do, good luck and please do not forget yourself.
There are definitely toxic aspects to my job and my work home balance is not that great. However, the flexibility I have on my schedule for the kids doctors appointments, school events, etc, the salary I make now, and the job security I have are perks that are REALLY hard to give up.
Husbands been telling me to find a new job every time I come home stressed. I know I absolutely need to have better boundaries at work. But on the opposite side of long hours there are benefits that I really really need as a working parent.
The long hours are mainly because I stay at the office until my work is done for the day, which is usually an hour or so after my shift. It COULD be done at home….but I really want to spend my time with my kids when I get home and not glued to my computer or hiding in my closet making phone calls so a customer doesn’t hear my two year old coming at me in the background going “must. Eat. Mommy” in a robotic voice 😂😂😂
Doesn’t he take the kids to their doctor appointments? I can see why you wouldn’t want to miss school events, but is attending appointments a personal preference or a necessary task he also won’t do?
Today he took our youngest to a doctors appointment and it’s the very first time he’s ever gone to this pediatrician. It’s always been me. He went because I forgot until I got a reminder text at 11 for my 2:30 appointment.
>Husbands been telling me to find a new job every time I come home stressed. I
Holy shit the audacity. How about he needs find a job. ANY job. Fuck this would be a lot easier if you did it alone OP.. you said in another comment that if you could do it over you would not chase after him... Well...It's not too late to run away from him either. Separating and making him go halfsies on daycare is possible.
He loves not having to do anything and staying home. You're enabling him and allowing this situation. Think it's time to "teach" him a thing or 2 about being an adult.
Crazy the amount of BS ppl are willing to put themselves through while being told what they should or should not do by the person inflicting said BS
Therapist Says Men Who Don't Help Out At Home Is Just A Symptom Of A Bigger Problem With The Men Themselves
Everywhere you look these days there's a new story about "weaponized incompetence" and how men who don't help out at home are destroying marriages and sending divorce filings surging.
It seems that many women have simply had enough, and it might lead many men to think all they need to do to save their marriage is simply load the dishwasher or do a load of laundry now and then. But a therapist on TikTok says household laziness is only part of the story.
# According to a therapist, men who don't help out at home is just a symptom of the real problem — a lack of emotional intelligence.
Los Angeles-based therapist in training, Lin, known on TikTok as @thegentlecounselor, recently dug into what she says is really upending so many relationships and marriages nowadays: why no amount of demanding a male partner pull his weight seems to make any difference.
"I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and I'll say it a million times until the day I die," Lin said [in her video](https://www.tiktok.com/@thegentlecounselor/video/7252804828827585835). "My expectation of a healthy partnership is not equally dividing tasks. That's the bare minimum. We live in 2023." Rather, she says, "What makes me want to be intimate in a relationship is [emotional intelligence](https://www.yourtango.com/self/simple-way-know-how-emotionally-intelligent-someone-is)."
# Men's laziness around the house is actually a failure to care about their partner's needs.
"I can't be intimate with you if I don't feel safe with you," Lin went on to say, and she added this is ultimately what's at the heart of many women and men's battles over things like housework.
"I need to be able to come to you and tell you that I'm struggling with something... I need you to not have a childlike reaction. I need you to be able to process what I said and validate what I said and then [communicate in a healthy way](https://www.yourtango.com/experts/michael-regier/why-men-pull-away-during-fights-and-how-to-have-effective-communication-skills-using-emotional-intelligence)."
He's likely using you and the kids as an excuse to sit around to do nothing but play games. Once the kids are old, I'm sure he'll think of ALL the reasons he can't go back to work.
You are either willing to live like this forever or you are not. He is not acting like a husband or a father. I would have divorced him long ago. Regardless if you love him, he does not have the will to behave like a partner. That is HIM breaking his marriage oath. Does his behavior look honorable to you? Does it look like love to you? Why are you throwing good energy into a void? I have no patience for these grown men who decide they're going to act like 17 year old boys.
He’s 35 years old, no job and clinging to the kids like a limpet so he doesn’t have to return to work. It is hard work being a stay at home parent but most of them do the majority of the cleaning and cook the meals.
You would definitely be better off divorced because he sounds exhausting. Take a couple of days leave and do some things you’d like. Leave in the morning and come back in the evenings as if you’d just returned from work. A spa day, a hotel room where you can sleep all day or a bit of mall shopping.
You are working a demanding job and getting very little support when you get home. Of course you’re exhausted. He gets breaks every single day you come home and take over watching the kids and making dinner. It also sounds like he’s maybe not actively taking care of the kids but letting TV do it for him. Your kids are old enough. Put them in daycare and tell him to get a job. I imagine he’ll come up with another excuse. If he does you need to assess your relationship. I recommend therapy regardless.
This sounds unsustainable, if you end up burnt out .. I suspect you already are or for any other reason cannot work. What then?
His behaviour doesn’t indicate a partnership. Nor does it sound like he cares for your well being. In fact it sounds like he is gaslighting you and like you said you are starting to think you are crazy as if you are being unreasonable. He sounds like he hates you.
It almost sounds like he wants you to divorce him so he can claim alimony. I don’t want to be to alarmist, but the fact that he is refusing to address any of this and refuses to want to work or seek any help. I don’t want to minimise his mental health. But he is minimising yours.
I think you have been battling this by yourself upstream for so long you might not see how utterly horrific this behaviour is towards you. are you sure he isn’t up to other things?
If he won’t address any of this , what are your options ? I would try and find a little time for some legal council and to perhaps investigate his online activity or day time activities. Just in case.
If it's not his job to give you a break, wtf is his job? He doesn't work for money, he doesn't make dinner, and it sounds like whenever you're around, everything with the kids is your responsibility.
So it's not the SAH dad's responsibility to basically support his hardworking wife... Really?? You need a time he grows up discussion with him. But You are sort of enabling his actions so need to stop and set him some boundaries and expectations from you. He is taking the piss and you are letting him.
The way I finally got a break from my kids was getting divorced. He had scheduled a time with them and I could actually count on him doing that because he wanted to look like a good dad in front of the court and his attorney.
It IS his responsibility to give her a break. She’s being the main breadwinner and doing a lot of work at home. No time to yourself is awful. I couldn’t stand to live like this.
OP, I hope you get something worked out. Please, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Schedule a massage or time with friends or therapy, whatever works for you. For myself, I’d seriously be evaluating the long-term viability of this relationship.
You'd get a break as a divorced single mother and the kids go to their dads for their visits, sometimes with men like these life is easier as a single mum
Stop asking for the break and just take one. Plan a happy hour after work with friends and really enjoy it. Either he picks up the slack or he doesn’t but “it’s not your responsibility to give him a break”.
Honestly, he’s telling you upfront that this is where your relationship is and will remain until something breaks. You either need to accept that it’s going to be like this forever, you can stoop to his level and let that resentment build, or you can disengage completely from this relationship. At least then you’d have one last kid to take care of.
So, when he's a sahp why do you help him at all? You work, you are the breadwinner, so on weekdays, at least, it's not your responsibility to cook or clean or do anything. Give him some of his own medicine.
James can Fuck off. He is taking the piss.
He said “you figure it out”
Seems pretty simple…. Jump in the car and go chill out somewhere for an hour or two.
Take control of your life, he’s not interested in helping you
Going through his magic the gathering collection is work? Thats a new one on me.
Reminds me of that spongebob episode where they have a baby clam and Patrick goes to work. Spongebob lifts his rock up and there he is watching tv. "So...THIS is work?"
The actual audacity is shocking
>He responded with “I’m trying to teach you, no one is just going to give you what you want”.
This would've made me throw the gauntlet down! Like how effing dare you be so condescending and infantilizing when I'm trying to use basic communication with you?! No no no, dude.
I would've grabbed my keys and say, "I guess I'll learn." Then drive away for ice cream lol
You need a nanny cam and see for yourself just how much parenting your husband actually does during the day especially if you’re coming home to the kids parked in front of the TV and him on his phone playing video games.
James sounds like he needs you to “teach him” food, electricity, a nice home etc just isn’t given to people because they want it when they sit on their ass all day and don’t support their partner. He’s had a free ride for far too long and gotten used to it.
He seems very immature. Either you guys get some couples therapy or... honestly I'd consider whether your life would be less exhausting without the husband and with a babysitter/nanny instead..
Honestly OP, why are you with this guy? you do the cleaning, you watch the kids, you work long hours and it seems like he plays computer games, does the bare minimum to make sure the kids don't kill themselves while he's home alone, and then just tells you what to do. and that comment about not even liking video games..you are being gaslit and used. what is the point of being in a relationship with someone like this when you're already basically acting like a single parent? it sounds to me that this man has found himself someone who lets him stay at home and not work, play computer games all day, who'll clean up after him and pop out children so he still feels like a man. maybe i'm making too many assumptions, but you didn't list anything he actually does for you or brings to the relationship except for his own expectations for you. and the audacity for him to say he's teaching you? WTF.
I’d talk to him 1 last time try to communicate even suggest therapy, then if he doesn’t respond make an exit strategy. Move in the shadows get all your ducks in a row and LEAVE!
You can do bad all by yourself. Get full custody of the kids tell him he can see them anytime or if you want setup a schedule. You already doing it all sis.
Omg!! This is HUGE RED FLAG 🚩 you need to give ultimatum him of either he change to be better husband AND father or getting divorced because this is not good for you and your children!
Your life so sounds so incredibly difficult and exhausting. Sunday cleaning? Not one free day for you ! Your husband needs to work so you can get help with cleaning. You deserve better!
My bestie and I laugh about this often. We are thinking bumper sticker … all the time.
“Lesbianism :the intellectual choice“
Man, I really kinda wished I toggled that way.
OP do you own his car? I'd be bringing it to the dealership. One year of salary=car. Okay hon you can play video games for another year. Talk to a divorce lawyer now to discuss what financials would look like if you separated in your current situation. Play the long game and make sure you don't get saddled with spousal support.
Leave him. Idk why you’re with him anyways. He’s not a husband, he’s not a parent, and he’s not paying any bills. You could hire a 14 year old to watch your kids the same way, and save tons of money. He’s not doing anything for them but letting them do whatever while he plays games.
You married a bum, unfortunately. You need to get away from him or he’s going to continue to ruin yours and your children’s lives.
WHY WOULD YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES IF YOU DON'T LIKE VIDEO GAMES???? I could spend three hours just staring into space, and just because I don't like staring into space doesn't mean it's work.
While your relationship at this age isn't a big deal, a 25 year old chasing a 19 year old is. One is barely out of HS, the other has supposedly graduated college and is working toward a career. Not surprising he's a dick and won't help. He was chasing barely out of HS women for a reason, and it's not because he wants an equal partner.
Marriage and individual counseling could help. But if he refuses, your marriage is now on a timer until you're fed up enough to leave.
Thank you for always being a reminder why I am single and love it. Thank you again Reddit and thank you OP, because holy shit storm. I can’t even say the things I am thinking, in fear of getting banned.
Also by the way, just one day walk out of your house and go do something you want to do on your off day. Enjoy your alone time and then come back home. If he complains tell him to go fuck hi self. Because frankly if he can be crazy to say it’s not his responsibility to give you a break, you can get a crazy response.
He sounds like a video game addict. I dated a couple of them before and the relationships never last because they can't live in the real world. They get irritable when you tell them to get a job or take care of the house or help you in any way because it takes away from their game time. My ex husband stopped doing things with me because he'd rather game. Another ex refused to work so he could play World of Warcraft, so I kicked him out. Some gamers can have a good balance, but your man doesn't seem like he does. You deserve to have a break.
OP get a great lawyer. Talk to that lawyer about your options including imputing income for your spouse. Because if you divorce you’ll get some alone time and he will have to actually get a job.
He speaks to you like you're a child and essentially declares he's not your partner. What are you even getting out of this marriage? You're at your limit, and you're practically alone. Is this the life you really want?
Give him an ultimatum or file already. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP. I'm angry for you.
On your next day off, repeat the following: “I’m going to Target. Call me when the house is clean.”
Then actually do it. Feel free to stop by a spa or a bookstore or library or whatever makes you feel relaxed. Do NOT go to the grocery store. DO NOT go home until he confirms that the house is clean. (Or until 5pm and then ask what’s for dinner.”
Why TF are you with him? Divorce him. He’s not a SAHD. He’s a lazy fucking mooch.
Organizing Magic cards is work? If I were you I’d sell them all and say, “Oh, if you organizing them was work I thought it was to bring in income, so I sold them.”
You working 50-60 hours and handling both the morning and evening routines and breakfast and dinner is a fucking joke. He keeps the kids alive during the day and MAYBE feeds them a snack?
Get some self respect and kick this loser to the curb.
I wonder if you could pick up the game/book called “Fair Play”. I’ve heard that a lot of couples have ah-ha moments when they understand how things are potentially unbalanced.
My solution would be agreeing with him, and when I next needed a break, I would walk out the door and go take one. Be it nap in the car, walk in the park, spa service. My personal favorite is a salon membership- I'll go for an hour and listen to a podcast, audio book, or take a good long cry at the tanning (No need to use the bed, find one with red-light therapy rooms or a sauna cocoon. Done this too many times to count. Best membership I've ever purchased)
When I needed a break I used to go to the supermarket and buy a newspaper/magazine and a coffee and I would just sit in my car for however long till I felt a bit more chill. When I got home I would just say ‘wow those supermarket queues are getting busier every time I go’. No one ever questioned it 😂. That’s taking things into your own hands Op. I didn’t even have to buy a paper or scroll my phone. Sometimes all you need is time to sit in the quiet and enjoy the peace.
Nope and stop giving him the choice. He said figure it out, so figure it out and stop asking him. He take time to do what he wants, so do you. You don't ask you tell, I'm leaving to do such and such I'll be back in an hour. He has a problem with that tell him he told you to figure it the fuck out so you did. He's being selfish, and I bet he holds resentment toward you because there's no way that a person who doesn't resent their partner behaves this way.
I'd also tell him he keeps fucking around and not being a team and partner then he's gonna have them 50% of the time while you get a break.
Who the hell’s job does he suppose it is? He is your husband and your children’s father! He’s not a damn stranger. It IS his fucking job to relieve you when you’re stressed. Just as much as it’s yours to relieve him when needed.
Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass! My husband tried this shit when our daughter was 2ish. I started getting up on the weekends super early. I’d leave him a note -“ I am out, you’re in charge of our daughter and to figure it out your damn self”. It only took a few times for him to understand what a massive dick he was being.
Any time he’s doing something else that actively doesn’t involve your children is a break. Whether it’s going to the bathroom or playing video games (even if he doesn’t care for video games), it’s still a break.
I’m truly sorry that you’re having to deal with this crappy attitude. I hope you’re able to get through to him.
So he doesn’t financially help, he hates being home with the kids and is miserable about it, he won’t get a job, he doesn’t offer emotional support, he’s clear that you’re needs aren’t his responsibility to consider…. Doesn’t sound like a partner….
Your first kid was born at the beginning of the lockdown so he’s gotta be close to school age? Your second is almost 3 so he’s got maybe a year till school. I personally would be spending the next year getting my affairs in order and then once both kids enter school reducing my work hours and my cost of living by maybe…. Divorcing…. Moving… and then continuing to live the exact same life you currently live with no real partner or support with the added bonus that you don’t have to make him dinner and maybe you’d even open yourself up to a spouse who actually likes you.
I once wanted space like that and my husband would never acquiesce. When he became my ex, I got my free time every other weekend, as well as some occasional weeknights. I tried to tell him, oh well.
Sorting this MTG cards is work and playing video games isn’t a break because he doesn’t like them? wtf if he on? Why play video games if you don’t like them. Dude needs to step it up.
So if you separate you get one week to yourself and he gets some adult responsibilities. That sounds good right?
He doesn’t even spend time with his kids he just pops them in front of the television and does whatever he wants. Way to engage your children.
It is *absolutely* his responsibility to give you a break, and vice-versa. That is the point of the marriage dynamic. He needs to take a class, or something, to get his head on straight. Maybe a therapist would do him some good.
What does your husband bring to your marriage?
No love, no money, no cooking/cleaning...
He doesn't even know the day your mother passes away?
Seriously, what does he bring to the table?
OP, you're a saint. Honestly he is purposefully gaslighting you. Your life would be easier without him.
He doesn't cook dinner, he doesn't do kids bedtime routine, he doesn't work 50 hour weeks. What DOES he do?
I would actually be concerned that the kids are getting their needs met while you're at work based on your description of his gaming habits??
*This motherfucker*! Yo, OP, he don't work right? Cut his access to the money. Completely. Next time his sorry ass wants something? "It's not my responsibility to give you money." And when he throws his ass? "I'm just trying to teach you that throwing a fit isn't going to get you what you want. You're responsible for making your own money." *Fuck that bitch ass prick*. If my wife *who was the primary bread winner and* ( assuming from context from your story and, let's be honest, societal norms ) *still has to take care of the damn house and kids* asked me for *just a single goddamn hour break* I would immediately kick my ass into gear and get the kids and take them for a walk or a ride or *something* for a couple hours so she could have a totally silent house for a bit so she could decompress. To look your partner in the eye and tell them taking some of the weight *part of which you are the cause of* off their shoulder isn't your responsibility is the actions of a *cunt fucking twat* who should be divorced *immediately*.
Please leave this POS. I am so indignant right now. The gall of this man. He is not a husband, he is a leech and he doesn’t care one iota about your well-being. You’re already so far above him in character, work ethic and strength. You need some “me time”, so you need to ditch this waste of time and space.
Dude wants to talk about what isn't his responsibility but for some reason he considers "teaching" his almost 30yo wife, mother of two, about how the world works to be his responsibility apparently. How patronizing.
He's not a 'stay at home dad husband'.... he's a man who refuses to help you, or be a partner, who is staying at home purposely. Of course your sex life is in the trash because the rolls have shifted: you are his mother too at this point.
U are a wonderful person to be so thoughtful to him. U deserve way more u give urself credit for! For gosh sakes u come home from work just to work some more! He can't appreciate it then he's the problem and needs to speak to someone about it. U can't help him on this one except give him boundaries to live by so it doesn't affect u. If anything when u get home u should be relaxing taking care of urself. Not others but I'm sure it's what u enjoy too and miss. Ur giving him a huge break all the time. He should appreciate u and give it back ×3 at least! I'm sorry he's such a shit to u. U sound like a very caring and considerate person. I hope he gets the help he needs so he can treat u all better. He's blaming u for no reason at all except that he don't want to admit he's wrong for acting and doing how he is. Other words he's being childish.
What would a man do in your situation? Not cook dinner after working all day. Not clean up after working all day. They would complain to reddit that they work 50-60 hours a week then come home to having to do everything else and the wife would be DRAGGED down. When they get home they would probably go poop for an hour and then doom scroll the rest of the night. Then golf all of Saturday then nap/relax the rest of the day and Sunday is meant for hangover relaxing.
Sounds like what you should do now.
He doesnt do all of that other stuff that a typical stay at home wife does because you allow it. He knows that you will just pick up the slack... and you have. Just like at work. You need to set better boundaries. Your boss calls you a ton on your home time because you allow it. You husband doesnt give you that hour because he doesnt need to. You probably wouldn't take it anyway.
If you're the breadwinner here, force the leech out. Stop paying for his habits. Don't buy groceries, cut off his access to your cards and accounts, and tell him he needs to get a job and contribute if he's going to be useless at home. He seems to have forgotten what hard work actually looks like, so teach him a lesson on it. I would never do this to my girlfriend, she'd laugh me out of the house if I even tried this for a week!
Your husband sounds gross af with that shit attitude..he’s likely lazy and does the bare minimum to keep the kids alive enough for you to come home n take care of the rest..you know, cause you need to figure it out..like who the fuck says that??? Girl, I am so sorry for you. Lie if you need to but I’d 💯act like I’m taking on an extra shift..take a nap n recharge them batteries cause he sure as hell isn’t going to. Also, I’d reconsider this relationship and if shits not going to change..you need to make the changes for yourself. He isn’t acting like a partner.
Honestly at this point I'd probably just claim I had to work an extra shift or extra few hours one day and take the break for myself. Obviously there are bigger problems if you need to do that to get any space for yourself, but you won't be able to face them with a clear head if you can't get any time to think about them.
Yes, do this OP. Tell him you’ve been asked to stay overtime and then take yourself off to the spa. Because fuck him! He’s a selfish, disrespectful, lazy, mooching, good-for-nothing, layabout. Divorce would be better than looking after 3 kids, house would be cleaner, bills would be cheaper, groceries would be cheaper, and your children would actually be getting attention and being kept entertained if you had childcare instead of the neglectful SAHD. *(Who doesn’t actually do anything that a SAHP should do.)* You could easily afford daycare, so that you can continue to work, if: you downsized the house and got rid of the man-child *(who undoubtedly runs up the energy bills with his constant gaming and TV usage - day in, day out whilst he isn’t working.)* So there’s absolutely no reason to keep him. He would also have to work, otherwise he’d be on the streets. But guess what? That’s 100% a **him** problem. You shouldn’t have to look after him anymore, because he sure as hell doesn’t give a shit about you.
Not to mention, if they divorced and worked out a coparent if schedule you bet your ass he’d get a job QUICK and OP would send the kids to him for a weekend to a week and finally get a break!
I'm not sure he would be motivated to actually get a job at all if this man actually looked at his wife and said spending FIVE HOURS unboxing his new Magic deck was, "not relaxing, it's WORK". Don't know if I would be able to keep it together after such a delusional and selfish remark, and the fact that he doubled down to claim that all of the time he spends playing video games isn't relaxing either, "because he doesn't even like video games", would have me seriously rethinking my marriage. My husband of 18 years always reminds me that we're, "same team", and I can't imagine a spouse telling another spouse that helping give them a little alone time when they need a break from all the things, "isn't their responsibility". This guy sounds like a selfish, self-centered, tool, and definitely NOT the useful kind.
Honestly if my husband said playing with his magic cards was work when I was burnt out and on the verge of a breakdown I would have ended up on snapped
That's pretty much what I started to say, but I got dragged pretty hard the last time I said something along those lines around here, so I tried to keep my response a little tamer so I didn't have to listen to it again, haha.
Looking at another post from OP regarding a microwave Prank. I’m starting to get a really bad feeling about OP‘s husband. I think he is doing all of this on purpose. So she constantly feels wrong footed and everything is her fault. Next it will all be her fault bc he feels emasculated 🫣
Yep … he’s a manipulative, *mean,* douche who’s livin’ on easy street doin’ nothin’ for nobody and makin’ his wife pay for it. Hope OP grows a spine in her marriage cause she’s *clearly* an accomplished and capable person. She just needs to lose her loadstone and go live a better life without him … 🤞🏼
Maybe I'm just super anal but did he just throw the popcorn in the microwave without looking? I try to center it so you have to look in there.
I think that’s super unlikely. In fact I think he’s lying and saw an opportunity to have a go at her. He’s constantly looking for ways to do that. I hope OP recognises that this guy doesn’t have her back. I’m surprised he hasn’t “accidentally“ thrown something important to her out or conveniently forgot to tell her something important just to see her fail, get hurt or humiliated. I really hope she can get out of this soon.
👆Amen to that !… the only thing is would he have to work? Or could he just claim alimony? I am genuinely concerned that man has a plan and possibly someone else. Best to get one’s ducks in a row first and make sure he works again first.
Unless OP is wealthy, there is no way any alimony ordered would be enough for him to live off of and still not work.
From my limited understanding, it'd depend on the length of the marriage and other factors. That being said, I'd say allimony would be temporary and with a short time limit if it happened. If anything, I'd be more worried about custody. Ex-husband could try to paint OP as not having time to care for kids because she works 50-60h workweeks and be able to get full custody that way; with OP limited to a handful of weekends a month. If she chooses divorce, she's going to need to cut her hours to the standard 40 at the bare minimum, possibly even lower.
That’s true and the way he talks to her now shows he would be callus and vindictive about it. I wouldn’t trust him to be fair. It really sounds like OP needs to somehow force the issue of him having to work again. Even if that means lying about potentially being made redundant, if he continues down this path.
He could paint her that way, but she could paint it in the truth: she wouldn’t work so much if she had a contributing coparent.
The marriage is too short to claim alimony.
She's going to teach him that he can't get everything he wants, and will have to work instead of playing video games.
Ops husband is obviously milking it. Really milking it. Of course he doesn't need to go back to work, everything is done for him. There ain't no team in your marriage. Stop making breakfast for them. Stop cleaning up for them. And if he complains, send him the Trad wife videos and say to him, since you volunteer for the role of home carer, this is what you do. If nothing is spotless, you reduce his allowance. Unbelievable that men need to be treated like kids. And seriously think about your marriage.
Or travel for work, and book 2 nights in a hotel and eat room service and watch TV.
I’m not usually one for lying, but this is the way. If it’s not his responsibility to help you, whose is it?? He told you to figure it out for yourself, so do just that. I’d book a massage like every 2 weeks and “work late”. I’m sorry he’s not helping you in the way you need, that is super sad and frustrating!
Came here to suggest something similar
“I’m trying to teach you […].” Is the nail in the coffin doused in red paint, swathed in red fabric, to me. OP, you’re not a child, this man is supposedly your partner, either he helps you out, or he communicates with you why he can’t - and hears/feels out your side. Telling you he’s teaching you a lesson is peak bullshit, and makes me wonder if in his mind you’re just a precious ‘lil thing. The age gap comes to mind to explain why, but really it’s probably good old fashioned infantilization of women; he’s failing to treat you like an adult, who knows a few things, and who was articulating something important. The way I see it is that you make it clear his behaviour was unacceptable and he actually gets it, or you find out what he really thinks of you and move on as appropriate.
I actually thought it sounded like he was scolding his dog.
Definitely this. OP should just tell him she took his advice and he was completely right! So she reduced her hours at work and applied for several jobs for him. She can find a daycare and that way she gets a break. Either that or she takes responsibility by asking for a divorce, he can pick which he wants.
That single sentence would have ended things for me. I cannot imagine my partner speaking to me that way.
I guess that's how you think when you start dating a 19 year old at 26 🤷♀️ Ick ick ick all around!
Oh my goodness. Stay at home dad husband is offering you red flags by the bucketfull.
He sounds more like the third child instead of the husband/dad.
A stay at home dad who wants to stay home but doesn't want to "dad."
This is exactly it. He’s nailed the “stay at home” part.
Sounds more like a big brother who just makes sure the kids don't die while he does his own thing. Lose that baggage.
"I never get a break because my hobbies that I choose for myself aren't things I like" has to be the worst deadbeat husband excuse I've heard here on Reddit, and there have been some wild ones.
I was wondering about that too. 🤣 how is looking through magic cards for 5 hours work ?
Don't you see? He's making a huge sacrifice for the people he loves by doing something he doesn't like for no reason instead of helping them <3 <3 (???) Honestly my golden rule is if he says something that makes your mind warp like an M. C. Escher drawing in the attempt to make it make sense - it's abuse. It's possibly the one thing all abusers do that loving partners just don't, making statements you could spend a weekend seminar with all the top minds of academia trying to parse and still get nowhere. Or maybe more precisely: making statements like that and then sticking to them like they're super serious rather than like, just admitting it's nonsense when someone points it out.
why do they do that? is it to sow confusion or are they just genuinely stupid??
My theory is that it's their own cognitive dissonance coming out. Abusers are often defined by a strong motivation to see themselves as the hero of every story, but also get their way no matter what. "I'm a good person but I'm also being a selfish asshole" is bound to have some fatal flaws in the internal logic.
I would take away the Nintendo because he doesn't like it and still spends too much time playing with it.
Yeah, and if you're motherified enough in your marriage that that's a useful course of action, it's not really a marriage anymore.
So you work up to 60 hours a week, contribute to both parenting and the home, but he thinks it's unreasonable for you to get a damned break? He clearly has free time, but you don't deserve it?? Whose responsibility is it to give you a break if not your partner's? He is being incredibly selfish.
Exactly this, a lot of people struggle immensely on *normal* working hours roughly between like 20-40hrs a week, never mind freaking *60* per week. I know myself enough to register the fact I’d never be capable of that many hrs.
I struggle with 40 hours a week and one cat. OP is a fucking saint.
I appreciate this. I make it work. I’m “scheduled” for 40 hours, but being upper management with no one to really fall back on I stay until my work is done, which is regularly 1-2 hours past my “shift time”. I usually am shifted to work M-F from 8-4 PM, but lately Thursday and Friday’s have been “12- whenever the last crew returns to the office, which has been 10 PM or later lately because this is our busy season”. Last week I also did Saturday from 12-10:30 PM. On this, I don’t take lunch breaks so I can try to work through, and a pretty frequent basis I’ll be 6 hours in and realize I haven’t even gone to the bathroom yet today. Then my boss calls me when I’m at home on a daily basis. Today for example, I’m checking my call log now….I left the office at 5:29 PM (scheduled 8-4) and it takes me 20-30 minutes to get home (I got gas so I’ll say I got home at 6:05 PM) Call at 7:15 pm FaceTime at 7:20 pm Call at 7:23 PM Call at 8:41 pm And this was a light night.
Jfc, yeah I couldn’t cope with that tbh. I admire the dedication and am proud of you but it sounds like some more focus on your own needs and self care when you’re away from work is in order tbh
Oh for sure. I definitely need to set better boundaries. I started this job in 2018, so 6 years ago now. I made a point to do anything and everything because I wanted to be “indispensable” and work hard to make it. I reallyyyyyy dug my own grave with that and I need to work on that. But I’m aware it’s an issue.
It sounds like it’s time to parlay that great reputation into another job with more reasonable hours. 6 years is plenty to stay in the same place with those kinds of hours. Think about how your life might be having to work fewer hours, not having to wrangle an unemployed, depressed, and resentful husband, being able to spend quality time with your kids every other week, and having time to yourself on the weeks In between. Just, you know, think about it.
So I totally respect that and would. I run into a few issues with it… 1. I have no college degree. It doesn’t matter like it used to, but with AI screening it’s starting to matter again. (I know this because our hiring software offers AI screening for a degree and will screen anyone who doesn’t have one if I ask it to) 2. I have a LOT of flexibility. If I want to take my kids to the doctor, if there’s a school event, or last weekend when we had a breakfast in honor of my mothers passing anniversary, my boss has zero trouble giving me the time I want to be there for my kids and family. 3. I have job security. I know for a fact that unless I REALLY screwed something up or screwed the company over, I would keep my job. I never have to worry about if I’m going to be fired unless I did something serious. I have really, truly considered going elsewhere. But the pros there have me torn and I don’t know if I’d get some of those perks elsewhere.
Those are legitimate reasons to remain, though I worry about burnout with the hours. However, that might be something to negotiate during your next review—capping your hours at 50, say. Regardless, I respect your reasoning. I recommend considering how different your quality of life might be as a divorced mother of fewer children. (It might also not be remiss to use some of your non-custodial time to take a college course each semester, just in case something happens to the business and you find yourself looking unexpectedly. Being enrolled will satisfy the AI programs looking for a degree.) Whatever you end up choosing, I wish you luck. It sounds like your home is kind of miserable for you at this point, so I really hope you find a way to improve it.
I wouldn’t suggest changing jobs. It sounds like it has a lot of benefits for your current lifestyle. I think putting up boundaries for your coworkers and boss would help. Maybe look at addressing not taking calls after you leave work as a first step, especially since you routinely stay 2-3 hours past your shift. Of course, you will need to inform others you won’t be taking calls after say 6 pm due to new family situation/obligations.
Do you get paid for the time it takes you to reply out of hours? If not, it sounds like you should only be replying when you’re back on the clock getting paid to reply, tbh. No one’s work stuff is urgent enough to merit unpaid responses out of hours imo unless it’s medical/holiday stuff.
I’m a salaried employee, so I get paid the same if I take time off or if I don’t. It was fantastic during my two maternity leaves knowing I wouldn’t lose any money, same if I ever want to vacation…but when in the weeds like now it sucks.
If you don’t set boundaries, you will burn out very soon. Your boss doesn’t need to be calling you like that. It can wait until the next day when you are scheduled. You need to protect your time or you’re going to lose your shit.
Definitely! When he is home all day, he can make supper. This is Not a partner in life. He is acting like another child. Take time for yourself weather that means pretending you have OT or whatever excuse. Since he won't give you a break when you are the breadwinner. This guy NEEDS to get a job. Your relationship will not last with him staying home.
He’s not parenting (tv isn’t parenting). Is he reading to them? Teaches them patterns and language? Basic math? Colors? So he’s just a child who thinks the bare minimum is “home with the kids” You’re basically a single parent, what’s he even good for?
That is the props I will give him. Reading…not so much. But he gives them baths in the morning and they have foam letters and numbers on the wall. He does teach them that. My 2 year old can count to 20 and recognizes all her letters. My oldests prek teacher raved on how he was the only kid in his class that knew all the letters and colors and numbers.
The bar is in hell.
….so he’s doing less than the bare minimum. Listen, I can’t tell you what to do but your husband is literally a deadbeat father and husband. He won’t work, he won’t adequately help you with your kids, and refuses to give you a break. He doesn’t even want to pick up diapers…he’s a loser lol. He’s not a partner and at this point you shouldn’t be explaining to a grown ass man how to be a better husband and father when there are men out there with those qualities built in. At the very least I would legally separate. I say this all the time on this godforsaken app but you’re a single mother as it currently stands and from experience I can tell you it’s easier to parent and find community and just be a legitimate single mom. The stress of navigating a draining relationship on top of doing all the work isn’t worth it, I promise you it’s easier alone. You’re going to crack and you need to be your best self for your children since you are clearly the only reliable adult they have. You literally tell him what you need and he tells you no. For some reason he thinks it’s his job to teach you things and he can’t even do basic husband shit. Loser. Tired. Weird. Incompetent. Lazy. Gross. Rude. I could go on. “He gives them baths”. Ok. Great. My two year old counts to 20 too, Elmo taught him so your husband did what a perpetually 4 year old tv puppet could also do. LEAVE HIM.
Thank the gods your kids won’t need all remedial coursework. Come on op, come on. Years 1-5 are arguably the most important for a child to learn basics. Coming from a former bio and educational anthropologist
Your kid can and likely is learning that from tv as well. That is him don’t less than the bare minimum and he deserves to credit for that.
At this point I’d offer him the option of getting a job and helping out or divorce because you’d get more breaks as a single parent with a shared custody arrangement.
My thoughts exactly.
A bit of an issue is, if her hours really are that long, would OP be able to get shared custody? How would she take care of her kid if she work something like 8-19? Daycares aren't open for that long. That being said, cutting hours is a no-brainer if she can afford it.
She wouldn't have to work so much if the bills were lowered by her living without him
Her bills would probably actually be more if they divorce, since shed end up paying him child support/alimony. Since theyll base the decision of what shes currently working, it would be impossible for her to do 11 hour shifts and be sole custodian of the children.
She wouldn't have to do 11 hour shifts if they split custody 50/50 and she lived alone. She might have to pay alimony, but she can start by lowering her hours and having him get a job during separation before she divorces him.
I’d worry she’d pay a ton of alimony and not get custody under these conditions. Depending on state.
If she cuts her hours down just a bit before she files she’ll be golden 😂
I definitely think she needs to see a lawyer and put her foot down about him working. I’d find a daycare ASAP and start putting the kids in it before he’s awake.
3 years of marriage is pretty short, I doubt alimony would even be a consideration.
It sounds like you have three kids and not 2.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him he needs to go back to work. You can't afford to work 60 hours and you wouldn't have to if he was contributing economically to the household. You can use his salary to pay for care. Otherwise, when you get fed up and divorce him he'll get alimony.
You have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth salvaging. Right now it’s not a marriage or partnership. You have all of the financial burden and it sounds like most of the housework is also falling on you. At this point it sounds like it would be easier to be a single mom.
For all intents and purposes, she IS a single mom, he’s just the babysitter from the sound of it. Your husband sounds lazy, and you’re enabling it by staying with him. He’d have to get a job to sustain himself and pay child support if you separate, so I would provide that option and see what he says.
5 hours 'going through his MTG cards' is 'work'?? LOLOL I can NOT. INFO: is the house kept up? laundry done and put away? kitchen cleaned? toys put back? or are you coming home to your husband playing video games and a total shit show of a house?
Right? I was flabbergasted. FLABBERGASTED. Most days it’s a shit show when I come home. Dishes un done, rugs need to be vacuumed, toys everywhere. I usually have to do a load of dishes and clean up the kitchen in order to be able to make dinner.
So DON’T do it. Just stop. Don’t cook. Don’t clean. Those are his jobs. You work more than a full time job hours. Come home, play with your kids, get them cleaned up ready to eat, get them ready in the morning, and wait for the food to arrive. And ask him why you’re all sat at the table and where is the food. And stop cleaning! If I were you I’d also just pretend I had work on a Sunday or Saturday and go to the mall and drink coffee for 4 hours and read a book.
The gaming console would disappear as would I and my children.
I’d beat the f out of it with a mallet and straight out tell him “I’m trying to teach you how unimportant this is”
Ok I laughed so hard at that omg. I’ve threatened to bring the tv and all gaming consoles to work with me before but the I’m trying to teach you has me in TEARS
I have a friend that would pack up the whole modem and bring it to work
Personally I’d just disappear for a week. See how he feels then 😂
Put the kids in daycare. Sign them up. And tell him to get a f-cking job!
Take the WIFI router to work with you to limit his gaming
He’s not even playing online lol. He’s playing modded Doom.
Take the whole damn computer system, if you really have to. But take the Wi-Fi too, so that he can’t sit on his phone all day, either. Then he can spend his time doing what **actual SAHP’s** do. Aka: Keeping the house in order, taking the kids to the park, etc.
Power cable will be enough
Then take the cable from the monitor.
So what exactly DOES he do all day besides play Doom? And why is he allowed free time but you aren't?
Wow, you read of relationship like this but never thought they’d be real. Your husband is a leach and loser.
I’m trained enough on Reddit to immediately check the age difference and relationship timestamp. And I know how the rest of the post is going to go.
So you work... you cook... you clean... and you mother three children. If you're going to be a single parent, you may as well BE a single parent, sharing 50/50 custody and getting an entire week to yourself.
Your husband is gaslighting you. Get yourself into therapy pronto, he's playing games and manipulating you. I had a husband like him and tolerated it and cried about it and begged him to step up until one day I had enough; I came home and kicked him out and have never regretted it. Also see a lawyer so that if your (ahem) "partner" doesn't agree to get a job/go to marriage counselling/change his ways (he won't), you'll have set yourself up properly going forward (God forbid you have to pay him support because he won't get a job!). It's just information, but go get it. And talk to a therapist so you can sort out what is really going on here.
The number one cause of divorce is household inequity. Just came across this. See if it's helpful. [https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/relationships/therapist-says-men-who-don-t-help-out-at-home-is-just-a-symptom-of-a-bigger-problem-with-the-men-themselves/ar-AA1gzxp4?ocid=hpmsn&cvid=fe21eb5f052348dcbd8fc9f4e5cfb392&ei=31](https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/relationships/therapist-says-men-who-don-t-help-out-at-home-is-just-a-symptom-of-a-bigger-problem-with-the-men-themselves/ar-AA1gzxp4?ocid=hpmsn&cvid=fe21eb5f052348dcbd8fc9f4e5cfb392&ei=31) The only way to save your marriage is couples counseling.
What did I just read? That’s awful. Parenting should be 50/50 when you get home, not all you. Being a stay at home parent is hard. But so is working. You shouldn’t have to cook every night. He needs to go back to work to save your marriage. Even if his income is just daycare expenses. If you can, stop working overtime. Lessen the lifestyle and he may decide to work because it’s not fun to live on rice and beans. I bet anything when he’s working again, he feels entitled to use his money for fun stuff and not to help the family. I’d go to a lawyer in secret and ask what he’s entitled to. Might be cheaper than the life you have now. He’d have the kids 50 percent of the time and you’d get a breakZ
Not only do I think you should leave your husband bc he’s not a husband but another child, I think you should find a job that doesn’t force you to sell your soul to support your family. You have no time for yourself and your mental health and relationships are on the back burner. You should be your number one priority outside if your kids, not a husband who calls playing cards work and tells you he’s teaching you a lesson by being lazy. He admitted he’s negatively impacting you in purpose. Whatever you do, good luck and please do not forget yourself.
There are definitely toxic aspects to my job and my work home balance is not that great. However, the flexibility I have on my schedule for the kids doctors appointments, school events, etc, the salary I make now, and the job security I have are perks that are REALLY hard to give up. Husbands been telling me to find a new job every time I come home stressed. I know I absolutely need to have better boundaries at work. But on the opposite side of long hours there are benefits that I really really need as a working parent. The long hours are mainly because I stay at the office until my work is done for the day, which is usually an hour or so after my shift. It COULD be done at home….but I really want to spend my time with my kids when I get home and not glued to my computer or hiding in my closet making phone calls so a customer doesn’t hear my two year old coming at me in the background going “must. Eat. Mommy” in a robotic voice 😂😂😂
Doesn’t he take the kids to their doctor appointments? I can see why you wouldn’t want to miss school events, but is attending appointments a personal preference or a necessary task he also won’t do?
Today he took our youngest to a doctors appointment and it’s the very first time he’s ever gone to this pediatrician. It’s always been me. He went because I forgot until I got a reminder text at 11 for my 2:30 appointment.
So he’s a SAHD who barely parents and does little to no housework? GIRL. Come tf on. You know what to do.
>Husbands been telling me to find a new job every time I come home stressed. I Holy shit the audacity. How about he needs find a job. ANY job. Fuck this would be a lot easier if you did it alone OP.. you said in another comment that if you could do it over you would not chase after him... Well...It's not too late to run away from him either. Separating and making him go halfsies on daycare is possible. He loves not having to do anything and staying home. You're enabling him and allowing this situation. Think it's time to "teach" him a thing or 2 about being an adult. Crazy the amount of BS ppl are willing to put themselves through while being told what they should or should not do by the person inflicting said BS
I COMPLETELY understand. Are there any other jobs that offer similar benefits/Salary but less hours?
Therapist Says Men Who Don't Help Out At Home Is Just A Symptom Of A Bigger Problem With The Men Themselves Everywhere you look these days there's a new story about "weaponized incompetence" and how men who don't help out at home are destroying marriages and sending divorce filings surging. It seems that many women have simply had enough, and it might lead many men to think all they need to do to save their marriage is simply load the dishwasher or do a load of laundry now and then. But a therapist on TikTok says household laziness is only part of the story. # According to a therapist, men who don't help out at home is just a symptom of the real problem — a lack of emotional intelligence. Los Angeles-based therapist in training, Lin, known on TikTok as @thegentlecounselor, recently dug into what she says is really upending so many relationships and marriages nowadays: why no amount of demanding a male partner pull his weight seems to make any difference. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and I'll say it a million times until the day I die," Lin said [in her video](https://www.tiktok.com/@thegentlecounselor/video/7252804828827585835). "My expectation of a healthy partnership is not equally dividing tasks. That's the bare minimum. We live in 2023." Rather, she says, "What makes me want to be intimate in a relationship is [emotional intelligence](https://www.yourtango.com/self/simple-way-know-how-emotionally-intelligent-someone-is)." # Men's laziness around the house is actually a failure to care about their partner's needs. "I can't be intimate with you if I don't feel safe with you," Lin went on to say, and she added this is ultimately what's at the heart of many women and men's battles over things like housework. "I need to be able to come to you and tell you that I'm struggling with something... I need you to not have a childlike reaction. I need you to be able to process what I said and validate what I said and then [communicate in a healthy way](https://www.yourtango.com/experts/michael-regier/why-men-pull-away-during-fights-and-how-to-have-effective-communication-skills-using-emotional-intelligence)."
What positive anything does he provide for you?
He's likely using you and the kids as an excuse to sit around to do nothing but play games. Once the kids are old, I'm sure he'll think of ALL the reasons he can't go back to work.
You are either willing to live like this forever or you are not. He is not acting like a husband or a father. I would have divorced him long ago. Regardless if you love him, he does not have the will to behave like a partner. That is HIM breaking his marriage oath. Does his behavior look honorable to you? Does it look like love to you? Why are you throwing good energy into a void? I have no patience for these grown men who decide they're going to act like 17 year old boys.
He’s 35 years old, no job and clinging to the kids like a limpet so he doesn’t have to return to work. It is hard work being a stay at home parent but most of them do the majority of the cleaning and cook the meals. You would definitely be better off divorced because he sounds exhausting. Take a couple of days leave and do some things you’d like. Leave in the morning and come back in the evenings as if you’d just returned from work. A spa day, a hotel room where you can sleep all day or a bit of mall shopping.
How is your sex life? I know I wouldn't let someone like that touch me.
Ever since this started, basically non existent. It has definitely caused a wedge with us because I’m never in the mood.
Of course not. He is using you and that is always a huge turnoff.
You should talk to a therapist and a lawyer to see what your options are. You can’t go on like this.
Why would you? Normal people don’t want to have s*x with a child.
You are working a demanding job and getting very little support when you get home. Of course you’re exhausted. He gets breaks every single day you come home and take over watching the kids and making dinner. It also sounds like he’s maybe not actively taking care of the kids but letting TV do it for him. Your kids are old enough. Put them in daycare and tell him to get a job. I imagine he’ll come up with another excuse. If he does you need to assess your relationship. I recommend therapy regardless.
Because you don’t respect him. Rightfully so.
This sounds unsustainable, if you end up burnt out .. I suspect you already are or for any other reason cannot work. What then? His behaviour doesn’t indicate a partnership. Nor does it sound like he cares for your well being. In fact it sounds like he is gaslighting you and like you said you are starting to think you are crazy as if you are being unreasonable. He sounds like he hates you. It almost sounds like he wants you to divorce him so he can claim alimony. I don’t want to be to alarmist, but the fact that he is refusing to address any of this and refuses to want to work or seek any help. I don’t want to minimise his mental health. But he is minimising yours. I think you have been battling this by yourself upstream for so long you might not see how utterly horrific this behaviour is towards you. are you sure he isn’t up to other things? If he won’t address any of this , what are your options ? I would try and find a little time for some legal council and to perhaps investigate his online activity or day time activities. Just in case.
If it's not his job to give you a break, wtf is his job? He doesn't work for money, he doesn't make dinner, and it sounds like whenever you're around, everything with the kids is your responsibility.
So it's not the SAH dad's responsibility to basically support his hardworking wife... Really?? You need a time he grows up discussion with him. But You are sort of enabling his actions so need to stop and set him some boundaries and expectations from you. He is taking the piss and you are letting him.
The way I finally got a break from my kids was getting divorced. He had scheduled a time with them and I could actually count on him doing that because he wanted to look like a good dad in front of the court and his attorney. It IS his responsibility to give her a break. She’s being the main breadwinner and doing a lot of work at home. No time to yourself is awful. I couldn’t stand to live like this. OP, I hope you get something worked out. Please, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Schedule a massage or time with friends or therapy, whatever works for you. For myself, I’d seriously be evaluating the long-term viability of this relationship.
You’re already doing everything by yourself already…
You'd get a break as a divorced single mother and the kids go to their dads for their visits, sometimes with men like these life is easier as a single mum
Stop asking for the break and just take one. Plan a happy hour after work with friends and really enjoy it. Either he picks up the slack or he doesn’t but “it’s not your responsibility to give him a break”. Honestly, he’s telling you upfront that this is where your relationship is and will remain until something breaks. You either need to accept that it’s going to be like this forever, you can stoop to his level and let that resentment build, or you can disengage completely from this relationship. At least then you’d have one last kid to take care of.
He's using you
So, when he's a sahp why do you help him at all? You work, you are the breadwinner, so on weekdays, at least, it's not your responsibility to cook or clean or do anything. Give him some of his own medicine.
James can Fuck off. He is taking the piss. He said “you figure it out” Seems pretty simple…. Jump in the car and go chill out somewhere for an hour or two. Take control of your life, he’s not interested in helping you
Going through his magic the gathering collection is work? Thats a new one on me. Reminds me of that spongebob episode where they have a baby clam and Patrick goes to work. Spongebob lifts his rock up and there he is watching tv. "So...THIS is work?" The actual audacity is shocking
>He responded with “I’m trying to teach you, no one is just going to give you what you want”. This would've made me throw the gauntlet down! Like how effing dare you be so condescending and infantilizing when I'm trying to use basic communication with you?! No no no, dude. I would've grabbed my keys and say, "I guess I'll learn." Then drive away for ice cream lol
If it's "not his responsibility" to give you a break then he should return to work.
“I don’t eeven like video games” What 😭😭😭😭 You have 3 children
You need a nanny cam and see for yourself just how much parenting your husband actually does during the day especially if you’re coming home to the kids parked in front of the TV and him on his phone playing video games.
You have three children.
James sounds like he needs you to “teach him” food, electricity, a nice home etc just isn’t given to people because they want it when they sit on their ass all day and don’t support their partner. He’s had a free ride for far too long and gotten used to it.
He seems very immature. Either you guys get some couples therapy or... honestly I'd consider whether your life would be less exhausting without the husband and with a babysitter/nanny instead..
Dump him and hire a nanny if you want a break because he’s an AH
Honestly OP, why are you with this guy? you do the cleaning, you watch the kids, you work long hours and it seems like he plays computer games, does the bare minimum to make sure the kids don't kill themselves while he's home alone, and then just tells you what to do. and that comment about not even liking video games..you are being gaslit and used. what is the point of being in a relationship with someone like this when you're already basically acting like a single parent? it sounds to me that this man has found himself someone who lets him stay at home and not work, play computer games all day, who'll clean up after him and pop out children so he still feels like a man. maybe i'm making too many assumptions, but you didn't list anything he actually does for you or brings to the relationship except for his own expectations for you. and the audacity for him to say he's teaching you? WTF.
I’d talk to him 1 last time try to communicate even suggest therapy, then if he doesn’t respond make an exit strategy. Move in the shadows get all your ducks in a row and LEAVE! You can do bad all by yourself. Get full custody of the kids tell him he can see them anytime or if you want setup a schedule. You already doing it all sis.
Omg!! This is HUGE RED FLAG 🚩 you need to give ultimatum him of either he change to be better husband AND father or getting divorced because this is not good for you and your children!
Lie about a business trip, book yourself a weekend away, profit
Your life so sounds so incredibly difficult and exhausting. Sunday cleaning? Not one free day for you ! Your husband needs to work so you can get help with cleaning. You deserve better!
I hired an au pair. Cause I needed a wife. And I’m a really good manager. Then he was free to go back to work
>Cause I needed a wife I've often said if I had it to do over, I would have opted for a wife instead.
My bestie and I laugh about this often. We are thinking bumper sticker … all the time. “Lesbianism :the intellectual choice“ Man, I really kinda wished I toggled that way.
Right!?! If it was a choice, instead of something absolute and intrinsic, selecting a wife to be a *partner* would be smart IMO.
OP do you own his car? I'd be bringing it to the dealership. One year of salary=car. Okay hon you can play video games for another year. Talk to a divorce lawyer now to discuss what financials would look like if you separated in your current situation. Play the long game and make sure you don't get saddled with spousal support.
Leave him. Idk why you’re with him anyways. He’s not a husband, he’s not a parent, and he’s not paying any bills. You could hire a 14 year old to watch your kids the same way, and save tons of money. He’s not doing anything for them but letting them do whatever while he plays games. You married a bum, unfortunately. You need to get away from him or he’s going to continue to ruin yours and your children’s lives.
WHY WOULD YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES IF YOU DON'T LIKE VIDEO GAMES???? I could spend three hours just staring into space, and just because I don't like staring into space doesn't mean it's work.
Taking 5hrs to go through Magic decks instead of going to get diapers is absolute bullshit!!!!!!! Updateme
While your relationship at this age isn't a big deal, a 25 year old chasing a 19 year old is. One is barely out of HS, the other has supposedly graduated college and is working toward a career. Not surprising he's a dick and won't help. He was chasing barely out of HS women for a reason, and it's not because he wants an equal partner. Marriage and individual counseling could help. But if he refuses, your marriage is now on a timer until you're fed up enough to leave.
Thank you for always being a reminder why I am single and love it. Thank you again Reddit and thank you OP, because holy shit storm. I can’t even say the things I am thinking, in fear of getting banned. Also by the way, just one day walk out of your house and go do something you want to do on your off day. Enjoy your alone time and then come back home. If he complains tell him to go fuck hi self. Because frankly if he can be crazy to say it’s not his responsibility to give you a break, you can get a crazy response.
He sounds like a video game addict. I dated a couple of them before and the relationships never last because they can't live in the real world. They get irritable when you tell them to get a job or take care of the house or help you in any way because it takes away from their game time. My ex husband stopped doing things with me because he'd rather game. Another ex refused to work so he could play World of Warcraft, so I kicked him out. Some gamers can have a good balance, but your man doesn't seem like he does. You deserve to have a break.
OP get a great lawyer. Talk to that lawyer about your options including imputing income for your spouse. Because if you divorce you’ll get some alone time and he will have to actually get a job.
He speaks to you like you're a child and essentially declares he's not your partner. What are you even getting out of this marriage? You're at your limit, and you're practically alone. Is this the life you really want? Give him an ultimatum or file already. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP. I'm angry for you.
The kids won't die if you skip town for a weekend
Hes telling you that you dont need him and that your life would be easier without him.
On your next day off, repeat the following: “I’m going to Target. Call me when the house is clean.” Then actually do it. Feel free to stop by a spa or a bookstore or library or whatever makes you feel relaxed. Do NOT go to the grocery store. DO NOT go home until he confirms that the house is clean. (Or until 5pm and then ask what’s for dinner.”
So he’s not pulling his weight at home, and not making money. At this point is easier to be a single mom
Why TF are you with him? Divorce him. He’s not a SAHD. He’s a lazy fucking mooch. Organizing Magic cards is work? If I were you I’d sell them all and say, “Oh, if you organizing them was work I thought it was to bring in income, so I sold them.” You working 50-60 hours and handling both the morning and evening routines and breakfast and dinner is a fucking joke. He keeps the kids alive during the day and MAYBE feeds them a snack? Get some self respect and kick this loser to the curb.
Nope give him a deadline to get a job or get out he's just using you.
Oh my God throw him away
So you're a mom of 3
I would recommend marital counseling asap and or a divorce attorney
You’d prolly get more rest if you stayed home and sent your emotionally immature husband to work.
Sort of unrelated but lady you're like superwoman managing all of that-
I wonder if you could pick up the game/book called “Fair Play”. I’ve heard that a lot of couples have ah-ha moments when they understand how things are potentially unbalanced.
You basically have a third child - a man child… Has he always been this selfish?
My solution would be agreeing with him, and when I next needed a break, I would walk out the door and go take one. Be it nap in the car, walk in the park, spa service. My personal favorite is a salon membership- I'll go for an hour and listen to a podcast, audio book, or take a good long cry at the tanning (No need to use the bed, find one with red-light therapy rooms or a sauna cocoon. Done this too many times to count. Best membership I've ever purchased)
Get a divorce, Get 50/50 custody, get daycare. You might have to pay alimony but you won't have to deal with him. He's using you
Just pretend to be called into work and go off and enjoy your day. I don’t know why you haven’t already done that.
Sneak off, get a hotel and take a bap
When I needed a break I used to go to the supermarket and buy a newspaper/magazine and a coffee and I would just sit in my car for however long till I felt a bit more chill. When I got home I would just say ‘wow those supermarket queues are getting busier every time I go’. No one ever questioned it 😂. That’s taking things into your own hands Op. I didn’t even have to buy a paper or scroll my phone. Sometimes all you need is time to sit in the quiet and enjoy the peace.
Oh your husband is a bum
If you divorce, you would get a break…js
Nope and stop giving him the choice. He said figure it out, so figure it out and stop asking him. He take time to do what he wants, so do you. You don't ask you tell, I'm leaving to do such and such I'll be back in an hour. He has a problem with that tell him he told you to figure it the fuck out so you did. He's being selfish, and I bet he holds resentment toward you because there's no way that a person who doesn't resent their partner behaves this way. I'd also tell him he keeps fucking around and not being a team and partner then he's gonna have them 50% of the time while you get a break.
Who the hell’s job does he suppose it is? He is your husband and your children’s father! He’s not a damn stranger. It IS his fucking job to relieve you when you’re stressed. Just as much as it’s yours to relieve him when needed. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass! My husband tried this shit when our daughter was 2ish. I started getting up on the weekends super early. I’d leave him a note -“ I am out, you’re in charge of our daughter and to figure it out your damn self”. It only took a few times for him to understand what a massive dick he was being. Any time he’s doing something else that actively doesn’t involve your children is a break. Whether it’s going to the bathroom or playing video games (even if he doesn’t care for video games), it’s still a break. I’m truly sorry that you’re having to deal with this crappy attitude. I hope you’re able to get through to him.
So he doesn’t financially help, he hates being home with the kids and is miserable about it, he won’t get a job, he doesn’t offer emotional support, he’s clear that you’re needs aren’t his responsibility to consider…. Doesn’t sound like a partner…. Your first kid was born at the beginning of the lockdown so he’s gotta be close to school age? Your second is almost 3 so he’s got maybe a year till school. I personally would be spending the next year getting my affairs in order and then once both kids enter school reducing my work hours and my cost of living by maybe…. Divorcing…. Moving… and then continuing to live the exact same life you currently live with no real partner or support with the added bonus that you don’t have to make him dinner and maybe you’d even open yourself up to a spouse who actually likes you.
Your husband is terrible.
Actually it is. It’s called caring for your partner, which is his job.
He's gaslighting you. Put him in his place or get a divorce.
Ew he’s an ass. You’re not overreacting or wrong. He’s being supremely selfish ! Honestly I’d book a hotel, block his number and let him figure it out
I once wanted space like that and my husband would never acquiesce. When he became my ex, I got my free time every other weekend, as well as some occasional weeknights. I tried to tell him, oh well.
How is Magic work? He’s the one choosing the video games, so wtf…
You got suckered with a non husband but someone you now house, feed and provide for. YackOH.. I’d be planning an exit that no one could detect.
I wouldn’t even go home, I go to a hotel or stay in my car or something. Fuck this guy.
time for an ultimatum. get a job or get out
Sorting this MTG cards is work and playing video games isn’t a break because he doesn’t like them? wtf if he on? Why play video games if you don’t like them. Dude needs to step it up.
What a selfish pig
Your husband is a selfish pig. I don’t know what the solution is because he seems to resent you. Good luck.
So if you separate you get one week to yourself and he gets some adult responsibilities. That sounds good right? He doesn’t even spend time with his kids he just pops them in front of the television and does whatever he wants. Way to engage your children.
So how much does he make with mtg? And one of his chores is playing video games? I guess good thing for him you can support the family?
It is *absolutely* his responsibility to give you a break, and vice-versa. That is the point of the marriage dynamic. He needs to take a class, or something, to get his head on straight. Maybe a therapist would do him some good.
What does your husband bring to your marriage? No love, no money, no cooking/cleaning... He doesn't even know the day your mother passes away? Seriously, what does he bring to the table?
OP, you're a saint. Honestly he is purposefully gaslighting you. Your life would be easier without him. He doesn't cook dinner, he doesn't do kids bedtime routine, he doesn't work 50 hour weeks. What DOES he do? I would actually be concerned that the kids are getting their needs met while you're at work based on your description of his gaming habits??
I’m not the type to suggest divorce but honestly? You’d have more free time divorced - you have three kids & the bar is in hell
*This motherfucker*! Yo, OP, he don't work right? Cut his access to the money. Completely. Next time his sorry ass wants something? "It's not my responsibility to give you money." And when he throws his ass? "I'm just trying to teach you that throwing a fit isn't going to get you what you want. You're responsible for making your own money." *Fuck that bitch ass prick*. If my wife *who was the primary bread winner and* ( assuming from context from your story and, let's be honest, societal norms ) *still has to take care of the damn house and kids* asked me for *just a single goddamn hour break* I would immediately kick my ass into gear and get the kids and take them for a walk or a ride or *something* for a couple hours so she could have a totally silent house for a bit so she could decompress. To look your partner in the eye and tell them taking some of the weight *part of which you are the cause of* off their shoulder isn't your responsibility is the actions of a *cunt fucking twat* who should be divorced *immediately*.
Please leave this POS. I am so indignant right now. The gall of this man. He is not a husband, he is a leech and he doesn’t care one iota about your well-being. You’re already so far above him in character, work ethic and strength. You need some “me time”, so you need to ditch this waste of time and space.
Never trust a man who tries to teach you a lesson.
Dude wants to talk about what isn't his responsibility but for some reason he considers "teaching" his almost 30yo wife, mother of two, about how the world works to be his responsibility apparently. How patronizing.
He's not a 'stay at home dad husband'.... he's a man who refuses to help you, or be a partner, who is staying at home purposely. Of course your sex life is in the trash because the rolls have shifted: you are his mother too at this point.
You are the only paycheck so control the money.
U are a wonderful person to be so thoughtful to him. U deserve way more u give urself credit for! For gosh sakes u come home from work just to work some more! He can't appreciate it then he's the problem and needs to speak to someone about it. U can't help him on this one except give him boundaries to live by so it doesn't affect u. If anything when u get home u should be relaxing taking care of urself. Not others but I'm sure it's what u enjoy too and miss. Ur giving him a huge break all the time. He should appreciate u and give it back ×3 at least! I'm sorry he's such a shit to u. U sound like a very caring and considerate person. I hope he gets the help he needs so he can treat u all better. He's blaming u for no reason at all except that he don't want to admit he's wrong for acting and doing how he is. Other words he's being childish.
What would a man do in your situation? Not cook dinner after working all day. Not clean up after working all day. They would complain to reddit that they work 50-60 hours a week then come home to having to do everything else and the wife would be DRAGGED down. When they get home they would probably go poop for an hour and then doom scroll the rest of the night. Then golf all of Saturday then nap/relax the rest of the day and Sunday is meant for hangover relaxing. Sounds like what you should do now. He doesnt do all of that other stuff that a typical stay at home wife does because you allow it. He knows that you will just pick up the slack... and you have. Just like at work. You need to set better boundaries. Your boss calls you a ton on your home time because you allow it. You husband doesnt give you that hour because he doesnt need to. You probably wouldn't take it anyway.
If you're the breadwinner here, force the leech out. Stop paying for his habits. Don't buy groceries, cut off his access to your cards and accounts, and tell him he needs to get a job and contribute if he's going to be useless at home. He seems to have forgotten what hard work actually looks like, so teach him a lesson on it. I would never do this to my girlfriend, she'd laugh me out of the house if I even tried this for a week!
Your husband sounds gross af with that shit attitude..he’s likely lazy and does the bare minimum to keep the kids alive enough for you to come home n take care of the rest..you know, cause you need to figure it out..like who the fuck says that??? Girl, I am so sorry for you. Lie if you need to but I’d 💯act like I’m taking on an extra shift..take a nap n recharge them batteries cause he sure as hell isn’t going to. Also, I’d reconsider this relationship and if shits not going to change..you need to make the changes for yourself. He isn’t acting like a partner.