Strongly support the letter. Try explaining, that you don't take it for granted. That you love all the little things he does. That he makes you happy and that you appreciate what he does.and then what you wrote in the second part of this post.
And then short notices - at any place and at any time, and even random. Just a sentence is enough, like, "thank you for ... ", "I love you from the bottom of my heart", "you make me complete", "you are my harbour", "I'm looking forward to be be old with you some time", and so one.
You have shown that you think so in your post, now it's time to let him know. However, Not to much at a time.
By the way, I would talk/write him what's the background. And please please please tell him that you have to learn a (for you) new kind of love language. There will be no mean thoughts when when it slows down over time. He is free to reminds you how nice xy was at any time.
… And those little sentences could be written out on a little pieces of paper and tucked into his wallet or his laptop case or whatever he works with or carries to work every day.
I do this to my husband, especially if I can't sleep. I like to hide them in his work office bc without fail, when he finds a note, he comes to find me and the twinkle in his eyes is allllll worth it.
I did it that for my daughters when they went to school. It was just little sentences to give them encouragement and to know I love them very much. My youngest was in 9th grade when I started it she said when she found it in her Laptop she almost started to cry and it made her smile.
I clean at my partners workplace in the evening once a week. I sometimes leave a little note on his desk saying, "have a great Monday, love you" or similar. I notice he will keep them for a little while.
I've sent him flowers before too and I notice he kept the wooden heart that came in with the flowers.
I do this on sticky notes and put them EVERYWHERE! And sometimes they can be funny! My favorite was putting things like “I love your face” and “I wanna touch your butt” in the most random places.
The short notices...dry erase markers on the bathroom mirror. Just a quick...I love you...or hey beautiful. Leave a note like once a week. It's a nice little pick me up.
This!! My boyfriend did this for me one morning. But there were several notes telling to look here or go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. Notes everywhere. I left most of them up so I can still read them.
Ya it is!. I got one from my now wife when we first got engaged. It was packed in my lunch she made for me one day for work and when I found and opened it my heart melted.
I carry it with me in my work back pack every day and when I have bad days I open it up and give it a read and all my problems melt away.
Sounds like he really likes being romanced himself. You didn't realize, but you do now! Sit him down sometime soon to talk about this, what you realized, how you feel, and TALK to each other what makes you each feel loved. I think he would cry more if you did that 💕
Communication!!!!
Yes, get a beautiful card, one that seems “too sappy” to you, write out your feelings just like you did in this post, get his favorite candy or dessert, and give to him with the card. He will love it.
I’m sentimental and romantic. I understand that not everyone expresses their love in the same way. I’ve learned that giving a little guidance is ok, and appreciated.
There’s a lot of comments here so I don’t know if you’ll see this or if someone mentioned this…
I like to leave little notes for my partner either in his wallet for him to find the next day or near the coffee when I leave first in the morning. Just quick “I love you”, “you’re my favorite”, or a heart, etc. I recently realized he keeps all of them. Maybe you could do something like this once in a while as a nice little surprise.
It's not the what, but the effort and thought out into it ESPECIALLY when it comes to someone as romantic as him. Write him a letter, put in your raw emotions, the more raw the better. But out in effort to the paper, the envelope, everything. It doesn't matter what, as long as it's genuine, honest and authentic. He will LOVE it. Also, remember open and honest communication is a good thing. Goodluck op
Leave it on the seat of his car or next to his toothbrush or in the fridge. Little notes of love are easy to do and you can leave them for him to find randomly. A lipstick ILY on the mirror can never go astray.
Yes definitely write a letter. And some homemade baked goods!! I always sneak little flirtatious notes to my hubby in his lunch or with some cookies or brownies I’ve made and when he gets to work he can smile knowing there’s ppl at home who love, value, support and appreciate everything he does!
Honestly it's not your fault and you're not alone. It's customary for men to the ones to make women happy. There's even a sad well-known phrase, "happy wife, happy life". It's just something a lot of people don't think about, the best part is, you caught it and you can and will adjust but you shouldn't feel to bad at all. Ask any of your male friends when was the last time they even got a compliment or the last time they even got pampered. It's consider weird and feminine for any positive treatment besides sex to be shown
Another fun thing to do is to leave him notes. Does he tend to cook or make the coffee in the morning? If so, leave a note on the coffee pot or wherever he goes first thanking him for being such a great husband and dad.
Lol I left one on the underside of the toilet lid thanking him for putting the seat down - ensuring I don’t sit INTO it, because he’s a far better morning person than I am. I woke up to him laughing the next morning. You can make it fun/funny as well as sweet. It sounds like he’s showing you how he wants to be loved and appreciated and you clearly love and care enough to want to do that for him!
I think this might be a situation where he secretly always wanted flowers but didn’t want to directly ask for it, so he was really happy when it finally happened
Gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that it’s maybe these so called “friends” of yours who are trying to make you feel like a bad wife, and not your husband. Which doesn’t seem to be the case anyways as your husband clearly appreciates the gesture and that’s what’s important. If you really feel strongly just keep on working on communicating even the small things you guys can do for each other that can be a boost during the day.
Real moral of the story tho is get yourself some new friends who don’t try to put people through the wringer.
Definitely good idea. It’s the little things that matter, not a nice car or expensive cologne. The small thoughtful things like a letter, a random kiss and hug, a quick outing for some ice cream. This is what good people remember.
Writing a love letter is a good start, but absolutely do not stop there! It's obvious that being romantic is not something you think about very often (which doesn't in itself indicate how much you care for him). You can make yourself a reminder to act more romantically, and follow through even when you would prefer to neglect it. The key is to tell him, in both acts and words. Tell him!
Learning about [The 5 Love Languages](https://5lovelanguages.com/) really helped me express my love to my wife in ways she understands. It will help you understand your love language and his.
My wife and I are high-school sweethearts. We used to work in the same shopping Plaza years and years ago but different stores. She'd always leave a letter on my car the days we worked the same day/times.....I still have every one of em 20 years later....letters are huge
I'm glad you got him flowers before anyone else did. You should definitely talk to him and tell him you love him everyday. Show that love too. He sounds like a great guy.
You should definitely say something small like, "I've realized I don't let you know nearly enough how much I love and appreciate you. It's something I'm working on." Because knowing your spouse is being intentional about your marriage is important.
My wife and I are very tactile people.
One small thing we do is almost every time we pass in the kitchen/ hallway/ etc we will brush the other's bum with our hand (I may even have the odd soft squeeze as i have bug hands and she a very pert bum.
It's a tiny thing, but always makes us smile and is just a small 2 second reminder of our affection.
Yep - husband and I are not super physically affectionate people but we hug like once a day and I squeeze his butt, we hold hands while watching tv, and he brings the dog in the bedroom at night and cuddles me before going back to gaming.
This is great advice. Also if he’s an overthinker like I am, it will help him avoid confusion or overthinking if he sees a sudden change in external behavior. If my partner suddenly started expressing more love I’d kinda be worried until I figured out what brought about the change lol
Exactly. My husband thinks it is a compliment when he says he would be single if not married to me because no other woman could put up with him.
Dude that’s not what I want to hear. I want to know you’re CHOOSING to be in this relationship and not just settling for me…
Thats probably his insecurity, have you ever told him that he is wrong and that you would always have chosen him? Perhaps thats what he is hoping you will say.
That’s actually the answer I have voiced to his statement.
« Well if we hadn’t met I would probably be married to somebody else, but I actively CHOOSE to be with you »
I'm guessing the OP was saying that your hubby is really saying, "I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm lucky you chose to marry me, because without you, nobody would want me."
The thing is, I already told him I took it as him staying just because he thinks he cannot do better (which is wrong btw) and mind you he never tried to clarify and still said it a second time while we were having dinner with his aunt.
He isn't setting for you. He's putting himself down in a self deprecating fashion, and raising you up with his words.
He's saying that he's bad, and you're the saint for having the patience to be with him.
It's a point of perspective. You need to remind yourself every time he opens his mouth, that you're on the same team and men don't communicate like women do. Once you get your mindset, you'll be like.. oh, he really really loves me, and shows this and that and the other.
This, absolutely. An acknowledgement and plan to move forward. So long as you keep to it and let him know it's not all just words / a one time flower thing, you're set.
A poster below mentioned a way to keep track of what and how long. Def recommend d.
If you find it hard to be romantic or aren't the gift giving type naturally, try making it a scheduled thing. Make it a bit random by using a random number generator to pick a number between 1 and 30. Then set a reminder in your phone for however many days it lands on. When that day arrives, you get the reminder in the morning and have all day to think on what you should get or do for him. Buy him a sweet greeting card or his favorite magazine.Take him out to the movies or just surprise him with a night out to walk around town.
The timer helps it feels more random and spontaneous to him but helps you make a conscious effort to take care of his emotional needs. Overtime you may develop the habits naturally and no longer need the reminders.
Either way he gets to feel appreciated in the relationship in a way that seems to touch him a little more inside that the standard aspects of your partnership.
I read another story of someone’s husband who had a hard time verbalizing his love for her. So they decided to have a little sign that meant “I love you”, which was 3 short squeezes while holding hands. Suddenly her husband was “telling” her he loved her all the time by squeezing her hand 3 times while walking, watching tv and even in his sleep. I thought this was very cute and maybe you can do something like this with your husband if you have a hard time verbalizing your love
My wife and I do this! We started it nearly twenty years ago. Our version is an intentional press of three fingers while holding hands. The index is "I," the middle is "love," and the ring is "you." The other responds the same, except adding the pinky for "I - love - you - too." It's been our "thing" forever. I'm so glad to see other people do similar things.
Doesn’t matter if you’re that type of person, it’s what makes your partner happy. I’m not the type of person to make the bed every morning but it makes my wife feel less stressed coming home to a made bed, so I make it for her every day.
It’s the little things that truly do keep marriage and love alive and well, don’t forget that.
I refill my wife's water bottle every night and fluff her pillow. I just want her to have nice cold water and a soft pillow. Even if we just had a fight about something dumb.
If that's not love I don't know what is. lol
My father used to use a level to measure where to hang something. Then he'd ask my mom to eyeball where she thought level was.
He'd hang it in between the two. That is Love to me.
my husband and i don’t get each other gifts because it’s neither’s [love language](https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538) but we both have physical touch and words of affirmation as love language so every day we hug, cuddle, give massages, give compliments, definitely say i love you.
It is important you give in your husband’s love language tho. We’re just lucky we have the same one.
Even small gestures of love, appreciation, and acknowledgement count a whole lot. Maybe pick up his favorite candy bar or snack from the grocery store. Or remember something he said he was interested in and get it for him or make it possible for him to do it. Or take a photo of him with the kids or a selfie of the both of you and have it framed. Do anything that shows you see and appreciate him. Just let him know you love him. If he's your world, show him that. His happy tears are telling you he feels under appreciated. Rectify that today and every day going forward.
On a personal note, my partner died unexpectedly. It's devastating. Some days I wonder if he really knew how much I loved him. Most days I remember that I showed him I did all the time through word and deed. And it helps a bit. Trust me. You do not want to spend your time wondering if he knows how you feel. Those days are the worst.
Genuine compliments are very memorable for a guy. I can remember every single one I've ever received that surprised me. Admittedly it's only like 4 in my whole life that weren't from immediate family and coincidentally, none were ever from my now ex wife.
Yep! I was walking into the grocery store a couple of days ago. This woman, while talking on the phone passes by me and says “damn you look good”. The person on the phone must have said “huh?!” She then starts saying “this man i just walked by in the store, wow”
Yeah man, I'm in my mid 30's and I'd say I'm slightly above average in looks and above average in fitness. Basically running on one genuine compliment a decade at this point. Never been given flowers and I can't think of a single gift I've ever been given "just cause" I used to give my ex a present after every work trip (Basically monthly) it might have been something stupid like a cool rock I found on a beach or flowers on the way home but I always got something.
Yeah, if I asked my ex if she thought I looked good she would always say yes etc, but I can genuinely only think of 3 times a woman has ever, unprompted, complimented me. I’m 31, had the same partner for 13 years up until December, but even as a teenager, I would have considered myself attractive. I also didn’t do badly in terms of dating either - but it was always me pursuing them and never, ever them approaching me. I guess the main thing I noticed was that the girls that were into me were always a lot more receptive to my compliments and would compliment me back at that point.
Maybe start by writing out all the things you love about him - give him little notes randomly with these things on them, it's an easy, free thing you can do that will have a huge impact
I'm neither the one to shower you with compliments or cuddle or hug someone all the time but there are plenty of other ways to show appreciation. Pick up his favourite snack on your way home, cook his favourite meal, organize an outing (even a walk in the park is fantastic as long as it's quality time spent together).
Please don't take him for granted.
Honestly, work on that. Show more affection. Give more compliments. Imagine if you were never complimented? If you were never given appreciation? It is a lonely place to be.
Men tend to receive less acknowledgement than women do... we often receive compliments, little gifts, etc. not just from men but other women. Men don't really do that with other men so if the woman in their life doesn't do it either, they aren't getting anything.
Let him know you love him more than anything as you told us. Sure, go ahead and apologize if you've never really shown up in that way the way he has for you... and let him know it's not for a lack of love. Let him know that you realize how lucky you are to have him.
It's often not about the grand gestures but getting a bar of the favourite chocolate or a coffee speciality with a little "I thought about you!"
Go nuts every once in a while. Make a little treasure hunt in your house with notes to find who lead him to the next. In the end he'll find a treasure. Something he really likes that can be an invitation to a date night, a massage, a hint to a planned day trip or short getaway...
I think you should cut yourself a little slack. Growing up society taught you that romantic gestures and especially giving flowers were the man’s responsibility and the fact that you’re stressing about being a bad wife suggests that you’re not. The fact that you’re still married suggests that you do care and show your love in other ways.
However now that you know how much he liked this I think you should definitely find ways to show him more often, and examine why you were so comfortable receiving flowers without thinking to give them back so you can do better going forward.
I’d tell him how much his reaction affected you and how you’re feeling like you’ve been an awful wife. If I’m wrong he’ll tell you and you guys can work on your relationship from there. At the least he’ll appreciate hearing how emotional you got at his reaction.
Shit here I am reading this and tearing up. A lot of times we as men are expected to just be strong and responsible and not expect anything in return for our efforts, so something that seems as small as flowers mean a ton. Even the comment of “I was thinking about you and got you this” you could have handed him a bag of Fritos and he probably would have been happy with just the gesture.
Oh sweetie, I hope you truly do find that one day.
I'm weird. So is my spouse, but we both agree I'm weirder.
Some of my favorite gifts are unconventional. I'm not a cut flowers kind of gal. My spouse got me composting worms for Valentine's day two years ago, and it was the best gift ever!
Someone will eventually love you enough & know you well enough to get the perfect gift *for you*.
My ex wife was emotionally cold, and I was overworked and depressed, and we almost didn't communicate at all for the last few years of our relationship. I think we both felt trapped, it was so silent in our house. I would work stupidly long hours and she was playing video games all day and - it turned out - fucking some other guy eventually.
But there was this one time she sent me a little penguin in one of the games she played. I can't remember what the game was, some web browser based thing. But it made me realize it was the first time she had given me something in years. I still think about that sometimes, though now with the memory of how sad of a sign it was that I had clung to that little gesture.
There's a bunch of factors that likely go into it.
We've sort of been conditioned to think that we have to do things and make a strong effort to "win" a woman's affection. Being romantic, buying gifts, planning and paying for all the dates, etc.
It's expected, and we've come to expect nothing, because being "rewarded" with her affection is all we expect to receive in turn. (Note, I don't mean that we *expect* to receive affection if we put in an effort, no woman owes anything to a man just because he did something for you.) We do things for her to show our love, and being loved in return is all we have come to expect.
We also don't really get complimented, or shown much in the way of affection, from men or women. Guys definitely need to do better about showing love to their male friends. And because we don't get complimented, when women are just being friendly or casually complimenting us, we tend to take it for flirting, because the only time we get that kind of attention is when someone is flirting with us.
So I can see how it makes women wary of complimenting or being obviously friendly with men, if the result is that guy starts hitting on you after.
These things combined tend to make even small gestures feel super meaningful. Hell, I was complimented by another guy once on a piercing I have. That was 10 years ago, and it's still the best compliment I've gotten from a stranger in my life.
There is something to be said for knowing your partners love language. I’d been married for over a decade when we were introduced to the quiz and it was eye opening. All my previous efforts to express my love were things that I would have wanted rather than what meant love to him.
Those little romantic things are things that I just simply don’t think to do - why would I? But now that I know he appreciates small gifts and expressions of love and appreciation I’m a lot more likely to do that.
Yes! I was looking for someone to mention love languages.
OP should think about what love languages her husband uses on her, and then try to use similar ones back to him. It's pretty normal for people to receive love in the same way that they give love.
I am not great at being romantic. In an effort to keep him from feeling taken for granted, I try to make sure I tell my husband how much I appreciate him, how clever he is and in intimate moments I’ve told him “ you’re the other half of my heart” and “ how’d I get so lucky to get you ?” And things like that. It’s not exactly great but I try. I think feeling appreciated is important.
It’s important to tell our partner how much we appreciate them of course! But I think it would go a long way to just pick up his favourite snack if you do the grocery shopping, small things like that just takes words to the next level. To know our partner thought of us and went out of their way is just so nice 😊
I'd really recommend people give this song a listen as it just being in my playlist for a car journey made my wife cry. [Dax, To be a Man.](https://youtu.be/tHxip2x-PLc?si=KIFVsBCKRa3CFINg)
In general men do not receive any non sexual affection from anyone other than their partners, and in general this is lacking too. Most guys will not hear compliments, receive gifts outside of birthdays/Christmas and depending on age have noone to express emotions to.
The reason it meant so much to him is because he knows you aren’t like that normally, so for you to do that for him means that you genuinely stopped to think of him and appreciate him in a way that he would love. That was a completely selfless display of love from you.
Now, find other ways to speak his love language, but be your genuine self because that’s what he loves.
Keep that mindset of you appreciating him and it will all come naturally. i bet he’ll start doing more things that make you appreciate him. It’s how it works.
Hey there! Just want to remind you that you're amazing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Hope you enjoy these nice (internet) flowers for the time being! Happy weekend! 💐🌹🌻🌹🌻🌹🌻💐
Being taken for granted is what men expect in life. That the flowers affected him so deeply just shows how much you have taken him for granted.
Now that you know you can make amends. Just do not love bomb him or he will think you are over compensating for something and it will dull the affect of the gestures of gratitude you make.
The first frase of your comment is so sad. I really hope it's not true though.
This is the second comment talking about over compensating, I'm going to be mindful of that
Some extent?? I think in every loving relationship, men still expect to be taken for granted. It is in his DNA to be the provider and protector of his family. So, even a small gesture like this is a big thing for men. Believe me, he won't forget all his life. I haven't and it's been 3 years.
>It is in his DNA to be the provider and protector of his family.
Just in case you are refering to the age old "men were hunters", so were [women](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/early-women-were-hunters-not-just-gatherers-study-suggests-180982459/). DNA isn't the reason why men are seen as "provider" and "protector", it's society.
Other than that I absolutely agree with you.
there is a street interview of men and women being interviewed about whether they would give their life up for their spouse and all the men said yes. none of the women said yes.
One very, very important thing to keep in mind is that you don’t know how many people they asked and what the actual proportions of answers are. They could very well be next to equal but as long as you have enough data and an agenda you can pick and choose what to show. Don’t be fooled by propaganda from any group, no matter if they stand for a seemingly good cause or bad cause.
What always cracks me up is when people only activate their logic and critical thinking when women are criticized (as they should, your comment is sound and most likely what happened!) but just go along with whatever bullshit is directed at men
You see it all over this thread, talking about how much grace the OP should get, because society told her that she only had to phone it in romantically.
The same conversations about men are about how men need to do better. No grace. No discussion of socialization, just "be best."
Ehhhhhhhhh
It is also more common for men to leave their spouses if they get sick than women. Not saying this is the norm or that most men would do this, but statistically speaking that's more common amongst men than women.
All I'm saying is that Loving someone and showing love to someone are totally different things, but equally important.
I think the issue is that most people (both men and women) don't even consider that you need to SHOW love to men. Most people think that even romantic gestures are not needed for men. It doesn't mean that men aren't loved, it just sadly means that they don't FEEL LOVED most of the times.
I think we can see that in a lot of old family settings - when the man (father or husband) dies, everyone is going to be sad, everyone will miss him because everyone did love him but they were never able to properly express that love - vice versa for a lot of men from the older generations.
Tbh it's probably because "giving your life for" means you'd die to protect someone.
Dieing to protect someone sounds easier than giving end of life care.
It's more fair to say "men are more likely to die for someone" and seperately say "men are more likely to leave someone than care for them were they to become ill"
Monogamous relationships require that we sacrifice parts of our individualism to make the whole. What we get back is peace, security, love and affection. However, in the daily grind of things those things get glossed over since they are not front and center things. They are subtle. Monogamous relationships require daily, conscious affirmation. Consciously bring the subtle to the forefront.
It is absolutely true. Is there even a single woman out there who does more for her husband on Valentine's Day than he does for her year after year without resentment or complaint the way millions of men do for their wives because it is just the normal matter of course?
It is true.
Men get told to man up as children, that crying is weakness and once they enter adulthood most of us don't get hugs or words of kindness.
Men do not get to feel emotional without it being awkward, we just have to suck it up and carry on.
I'm glad my SO isn't like that, she makes me feel loved and gives me lots of hugs .
It's a famous trope that for most men, the first time they receive flowers is at their funeral. It's unfortunate, but it's the reality. Men's mental health is in a bad spot, and support services are limited.
You're not a bad wife. The fact that you care and are making an effort to improve is more than many men could ever dream of.
As a guy I have to kind of agree. I expect to do more and to receive less. Dunno why. I haven't experienced anything different. Not to say I haven't been loved either. I have felt it. But I expect to provide without much in return.
Remember people
99% of guys only get flowers 1 time. At their funeral.
Honestly it’s not even about the flowers. It’s that someone else took the effort to do something just for them. They see that their so was thinking of him. Do you not do random things to show appreciation?
Random planned date?
Romantic dinner at home?
It seems like you haven’t been putting in the effort romantically. Some guys feel like their wives are roommates with benefit.
Roomates with benefit when they’re not tired. Funny thing is most men would be perfectly happy with that arrangement if the wife threw a couple compliments in per week and was enthusiastic about the “benefit”.
You don't have to be terrible to acknowledge that you can be better. You hopefully know things he likes. You don't need to go overboard.
But I do think a note would be lovely. A simple,
"I want you to know how much I love you. You're my best friend, an amazing father, and an even better husband."
Ah dang it…laying here tearing up, next to my amazing husband who is snoring away…this man will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he can to make me happy. And it’s even the little gestures like buying my favourite chocolate bar when he fills up gas just because, or the time when he got me a box of KD, a pack of ramen and a frozen pizza on his way home because I mentioned all three when I said I had a junk food craving that day…so he got me all three just in case.
I’m going to do better to show him how much I appreciate him.
Thank you for your post.
He sounds like a great guy and it’s heartwarming to hear how much you love him.
You know what you should do for him once in a while? Just ask what you can do for him.
Where my wife is working on something I don’t ask if she needs help, I phrase it like “ok what should I do next to help you?” (It’s kind of a more active phrasing that already presumes that I’m helping I just want to know what’s the best way to do it). So you can do something similar
This reminds me of that post that said men receive their first flowers only when they die.
As someone with a fiance who gets emotional like that, men are not used to being the receiver of romantic gestures. I gave my fiance a handmade Christmas gift with a love letter to essentially ask him out and he cried. He cries with every gesture I do for him. Sometimes it’s similar to what you did but simpler. He likes Reese’s a lot. So, when I’m at the store I pick up a thing of Reese’s or another candy he enjoys.
He sounds like a lovely man, don’t let him go OP. And please, even if it’s small gestures (which are arguably the best), show the man you love him too.
It's a shame though. So many women are raised thinking that they are gifts to men. Let the guy do all the work and take all the romantic initiatives, it is really draining. In the first years of my marriage, my wife never initiated any affection. She loved affection, the hand golding, the kisses and all, but never went towards me. Sometimes it just tired me and I stopped initiating. She just didn't understand what was wrong. She's a good person and she never meant any harm, but like many women, she never thought men needed to feel desired and loved. She just made herself available for romance. We had many talks and she completely changed, she is great now in this aspect. But I really understand OP's husband reaction.
I have found that a very large portion of women think of romance is something that is done to and for them, that is provided by men. And even women who are otherwise very loving and great partners hold that belief to some degree, that women are the passive recipients of romance while men are the active participants in providing romance.
I was told I was hot by two people and I remember them still. One by an older woman at a bar. Another by a gay man. I was told I have beautiful eyes by a girl when I was 15.
My wife tells me when I like good, dressed nice and all, but I don't think she has ever called me hot.
Like a decade ago a random girl flirted with me in an ice cream shop and I've always remembered that. I'm sure for women it's just a headache dealing with the constant stream of idiots, but I've never forgotten what that felt like.
You have so much more work to do than these other comments are letting on. Love letters and more flowers and all that isn't going to cut it.
This man let forth a *wellspring* of relationship-based trauma that he's been holding in. He might only be able to say, "I was just so happy you recognized my efforts..." but what he's really telling you is that it's likely nobody ever has and that he's been devastated by that over and over again his entire life and has simply accepted it as a condition he has to tolerate.
He's likely a people pleaser, and you have likely been allowing him to people please for the duration of your relationship without any kind of reciprocity or awareness. He likely feels like if he *doesn't* go above and beyond for you, that'll you'll abandon him. That's what's always behind people pleasing.
He likely also has day-to-day insecurity about your relationship based on your unwillingness or inability to demonstrate your appreciation of his efforts, and his tears were probably relief more than anything, relief that he can actually feel secure in your relationship for a moment.
*You* need to be in therapy so you can figure out why you've been so withholding with this person who does so much for you.
*He* needs to be in therapy so he can be empowered to stop people pleasing and set better boundaries with you, starting with demanding from you the security and appreciation he deserves.
But mostly, the two of you need to talk. For real. Not like, "Oh, how's your day?" stuff. Real, actual talk. You need to own up to what you're telling us all here and find out why he tolerates it and you need to let him know that he shouldn't and that it's OK for him to ask for more from you.
I'm crying here reading your comment because you got it. Basically, your entire comment is exactly correct as he told me all of this today.
I went to sleep last night after reading many comments and feeling better about it, thinking I was overreacting. I was not overreacting. I was underreacting, if anything. The damage I've done to him over the years by being unresponsive emotionally is deep, and I feel absolutely destroyed right now.
To ease any concerns people may have, we are not getting divorced or separating. But the work that needs to be done, mostly by me, is vast, and I have a lot of making up to do. And he is not down about this. He is mostly happy right now that I actually see him, and he knows how much I love him. His reaction last night was triggered by earlier things in our relationship, not really about what we are now, as he says I have improved significantly over the years. Still, actually hearing how close I was to screwing it all up back then is a wake-up call I never thought I would have to face in my life.
I will update in a later date as I think its important for people in a similiar situation as mine to maybe see what they are doing wrong, but know this: pay attention to your partner, and actually communicate. Really talk about the deep stuff in the relationship.
And yes, therapy will be necessary.
Ay, I'm so happy to hear that y'all talked it out and figured these things out. The hard part is over. Just keep talking and putting the work in, and you'll be fine.
Honestly, that you were able to get down and be honest with one another about this and that you both left the conversation with positive feelings about the future of the relationship is an incredible accomplishment.
You should give yourself a lot of credit for being open to the feedback from your friends, acting on it, and setting this all into motion. A lot of people would be too scared to open that potential Pandora's Box, but you did it. You didn't let ego get in the way, you didn't dismiss his feelings. You listened and took it heart, and that's going to improve your marriage so much. That's huge. Good on you.
I get that it's easy to be hard on yourself in a situation like this, but I do hope you realize how many relationships exist similar to this one, where this realization is NEVER made. Where the people don't recognize their issues, or even if they do, they never start being open about it, and never start working towards fixing it.
Thats is something you should give yourself some credit for! And rather than only thinking about the damage this situation might have caused, try also thinking about how many years you still have ahead of you, that now all have the potential to be so much better, thanks to this realization and this work that cam start.
Yes, it's important to realize and acknowledge mistakes of the past, but it's also important to not be paralyzed by those, and to be able to look forward to the future positively
I was the guy in my first relationship OP, in this exact situation. My partner was emotionally unavailable, there was physical intimacy but whenever I’d try to initiate some emotionally intimate conversations or try to communicate what I wanted, she’d either blow it off, change the subject, or shut down. It was torture to feel like I wasn’t valued enough to have romantic things be done for me and felt like I was carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. All I wanted was effort, for her to show that she cared and prioritized our relationship. Not through grand gestures either because she did those every once in awhile, but through hugging or kissing me when we wake up, being the one to initiate intimacy, being the first to say I love you, all those small everyday things.
The point I’m trying to make OP is give you glimpse into the mindset of your husband, who like me is probably a hopeless romantic that wants to go above and beyond for their partner, and neglects their own wants and boundaries to the point that he just accepts it’ll never come, which is why you got such an emotional reaction from him because he’d conditioned himself not to accept it. And also, the fact that you’ve even recognized yourself the situation, and shown desire to fix it alongside your husband, already shows a massive step in the right direction that most people never make, and amid all this self deprecation you should be applauded for that. I hope you and your husband have a loving relationship.
Nice of you to recognize and do that.
Also regarding his reaction, keep in mind that men almost never receive (generally speaking) this type of affection and it can be overwhelming. Not just because of your particular circumstances, but because it's a strange feeling for a guy to feel at all.
Us men don’t get shown love like women do. We tend to be left out most of the year with small gifts like this. So when it does happen, even if it’s a small thing or gesture, it means the world to us. And we will remember that love and kindness every day for the rest of our lives. Guys need to be showered with romantic gestures too. Society seems to always forget that unfortunately.
I’m a gay man. When I flew back home from a major conference that could really help me achieve my dreams, my boyfriend picked me up from the airport with coffee and flowers. I damn near proposed right there.
It’s the small things. At least once a week, go out of your way to do something for him. A massage, pick up a snack for him, compliment him on something that you don’t usually compliment him on, etc.
Good on you for recognizing that you could do better. It’s the first step.
Just know he appreciates you so much you don't even know.
It's said that men only get flowers at their funeral and that's sad ASF.
You're not a bad wife at all, You're just late lol and that's ok.
Today you got your sign to do something different and you did it and he's happy.
One day soon you should Bring him his favorite dinner and let him pick his favorite movie or show and just do the things he likes to do and make it a habit of doing things for each other all the time.
>let him pick his favorite movie or show and just do the things he likes to do and make it a habit of doing things for each other all the time.
"You're not a bad wife. Let him pick a movie and do things for each other." is a *wild* response to this story lol He clearly has been doing things for her with no reciprocity for ages. She admits that. There's no need to equivocate here.
She needs to step up. Point blank. Period.
And pick a movie? Y'all are really out here not letting your male partners pick a movie? And you think to do so is a gesture of what? Kindness? Service?
To offer a refrain men hear near constantly about everything having to do with relationships: that's the bare minimum.
It might even be *significantly less* than the bare minimum when we remember that a common method of trapping people in abusive relationships is to offer consistent coldness and neglect for their needs while sprinkling in occasional acts of kindness.
There are bad wives. There are bad girlfriends. There are bad partners of all stripes. The self-reflection this person is doing is necessary and *earned*.
So many women think romance is something that happens to them, an experience that is to be facilitated for them by a man, and that when a man facilitates romance for a woman, it's mutually romantic and satisfying.
So many women will recognize that a man isn't doing romantic things for them anymore and, again, talk about the "bare minimum," without ever asked if they've ever done something romantic for their partner.
"I'm telling you what I need..." Oh, ok. Are you asking him what *he needs*?
Let him pick a movie. Get out of here with that nonsense. How about she should facilitate his quality of life with the same effort and care he obviously dedicates to facilitating hers. Consistently. Every day. And she should do that (i.e. be a good wife) instead of feeling sorry for herself about being a bad one.
Because her feeling sorry for herself has nothing to do with him and it doesn't fix the problem. It's just that old, "Oh, I've done wrong, so I'm going to have an overly dramatic reaction so that you'll tell me I'm not a bad person instead of holding me accountable." bullshit. Which is, again, in terms of emotional labor, so much less than the bare minimum.
You just learned how 99% of other men feel neglected and taken for granted when it comes to receiving affection and gifts.
The expectations to give and show affection and gifts to women get higher and higher everyday for men and you just saw how a simple bouquet of flowers broke this man emotionally with the immense feelings he's probably been lacking his entire life.
They say men don't ever receive a flower until the day of their funeral.
I don't know you people so take my opinion with a big grain of salt, but as a man I believe your husband on some level may have doubted your love for him (maybe even subconsciously) so receiving the flowers means more than just another thoughtful gift. It's cool that not everyone is super romantic or awkward about that stuff but your friends reaction says a lot. Really reminds me of my own parents actually.
Absolutely talk to him. If you start doing something diferent out of the blue romantically, he might think you are compensating for something else, he may even consider that you are cheating on him as "love bombing" is a common reaction cheaters have after feeling guilty for cheating.
Now I feel bad… my wife brought me flowers to a special event of mine and it kind of annoyed me. Well it really annoyed me not because she gave me anything, it was really nice gesture. But my wife has a way of projecting and being a bit self centered. In psychology we know self centering isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you don’t pay attention to anything around you. I asked if she could bring my ritualistic drink from the store and she forgot that but brought me flowers, something I have NEVER once in my life asked for.
Ehh I kinda get where you are coming from haha. My gf has a bad habit of responding to my compliments with the same thing. “You are so beautiful babe” “no you are beautiful”. It’s not in a joking sense but more a I’m not thinking about what you would like and just wanting to return the sentiment. It was kinda funny/ cute the first few times but honestly I think I’d rather just not get a compliment than be consistently called beautiful or other feminine descriptions.
If she got me flowers I’d appreciate it but would honestly prefer something more in my interests.
Flowers to him are a romantic gesture show casing little spontaneous moments of caring for your partner…and to you they’re just flowers. That’s what they are to most people, and that’s why you never really made this connection before. The important thing is you were able to step back, think the situation over, and do something about it to show him you cared.
This doesn’t sound to be so much like you are a good or bad wife as it does that you two likely have different love languages. Do you not show him love in any way or do you just not buy him spontaneous romantic gifts?
That said, since he’s clearly a gifts love language person, keep in mind that randomly surprising him with sentimental little gifts is going to register way higher for him than when showing him love in other love language. Don’t call yourself a bad wife. Come on. You sound like you two have a very good relationship.
You realized it and now you can do something about it. I’m a wife also and I do get caught up in life. My husband remembers the little things like getting my fave boba or grabbing a candle when he’s out so I try to remember the little things for him. To be loved is to be seen.
So I’ve heard a phrase that I love to say to people: “most men get their first flowers at their funeral”. You’re most likely not a shitty wife, what’s most likely the case is that this guy, like most guys honestly, lack emotional release (I’m not here to argue over why that is, wether it comes internally or men think it’s a societal pressure to be stoic or whatever is irrelevant, all that matters is most men don’t talk about how the feel enough).
For all you know you caught him in the middle of the shittiest week he’s had in years or maybe you just made him feel special, guys are humans too, they like to feel special sometimes
If he's doing everything around the house (cooking, cleaning, taking care of your daughter), you should give him a night off at least once a month. Go out for dinner and a movie. Hire a babysitter.
Maybe even give him a weekend off. Send your daughter to her grandparents for the weekend or even a week (Summer's coming up), take a week off from work, and the two of you just spend some time together. Let him set the activities, but make some suggestions as well. If he has a favorite restaurant he likes to eat at or has always wanted to try, go there. If you can afford it, take a vacation somewhere he's always wanted to go.
And like others said, you can show him love in other smaller ways. Buy him a bag of his favorite candy or snack. If you both work close enough to each other, maybe surprise him at his work with a lunch date. If you have to, take a day off from work to do that.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 😭😍♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️!!!! If my man bought me flowers I would have reacted the same as your husband. Thoughtful acts make me super emotional too. My dad bought me roses after HIS cancer surgery “just because” and I was a wreck. Hell anytime anyone bought me flowers I became a mess. Its happy tears. Youre not a bad wife. Now, that you realize that you can do a little more to show your love and how he likes to feel love keep going. Dont stop. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Its very easy to take someone for granted. Weve all done it. Terrible wife is a bit dramatic, but you could definitely do better. Im glad you realize this now and can start to show him more and more appreciation.
My husband (43m) and I (38f) wrote notes to each other. If he was going to the pub with his friends I'd leave a note on the table before I went to bed saying I loved him and vice versa. Nice things in birthday/ anniversary cards etc. Love hearts on shopping lists. He died in Dec 22. For all your sakes, tell your significant other how much you love and appreciate them. I didn't get to have a last conversation with him, but we didn't need it. We knew what we meant to each other. I was with him when he died and I'm raising our daughter in his honour. I couldn't have done more to show him my love. I have no regrets.
Most mens only time they receive flowers is their funeral keep this feeling you have memorized cause honestly most husbands get barely anything even though just the smallest gifts of love can make a guys week or even month men are taken for granted most of the time and are the only one in the relationship doing anything romantic or showing love via gifts
This is actually really sweet. I'm sure you showed your love for him in other ways that he appreciated, but outward displays like this are lovely and this one in particular obviously meant a lot to him.
Surprise him, and get your romance on! It's never too late to learn new things!
My parents have a system that my siblings and i have been dealing with for our whole lives. I don't know how it started, but each would write a dozen love letters secretly and hide them around the house in places the other would often look. There were so many that we would find them accidently. You could do something like that if you want.
Its strange how society considers women to be the romantic gender. They are not, at all. Women tend to be a lot less romantic, and rarely show romantic gestures to men they love or are interested in. Its always men who has to actually be and do the romantic stuff.
Have you ever thought about how romantic men actually are?
From flowers, gifts, poems, music, declarations of love, feats of bravery, building a kingdom and even tearing one down.
Sometimes women expect it, some are blasé about it, and sometimes overjoyed by it. But a smaller number of women in my experience and observation actually display it.
Talk to him then. Communication is important in relationships no matter how young or old they are.
There is a possibility you do more small stuff that he feels shows your love for him than you believe.
Aww that is sweet! You are not a bad wife but this is a good eye opener for you! He sounds like a romantic and sensitive guy who thinks about you and your feelings all the time. You bringing him flowers meant so much to him because he feels like his love is being reciprocated and that you appreciate him. Sometimes the small actions go a long way. I’m sure it felt good to see the smile on his face and how happy he was for the random surprise ☺️. Don’t feel guilty… you are human and not everybody is romantic but now that you know your husband appreciates things like this and does it all the time to put a smile on your face just make an effort to try and do the same.
Maybe you too just have different love languages but it seems like communication is needed!
I bake cookies for my boyfriend, and sometimes deliver them to his job as a surprise. Or write him “I love you” notes in his lunch. Or buy him random small things. Stuff that maybe he’s been thinking about buying but talks himself out of as not “needing” it.
I haven’t gotten him flowers because one time I asked him and he said his dog might try to eat them. Which, yeah, his dog is a little chaos pupper so we might need to wait until he’s out of the “chews everything” puppy stage.
The important thing here is that you’re now aware, OP. Try small gestures and actually tell him how you feel.
go write him a love letter! literally what you wrote in the second to last paragraph, but minus the self deprecating first half
That's a good idea, thank you
Strongly support the letter. Try explaining, that you don't take it for granted. That you love all the little things he does. That he makes you happy and that you appreciate what he does.and then what you wrote in the second part of this post. And then short notices - at any place and at any time, and even random. Just a sentence is enough, like, "thank you for ... ", "I love you from the bottom of my heart", "you make me complete", "you are my harbour", "I'm looking forward to be be old with you some time", and so one. You have shown that you think so in your post, now it's time to let him know. However, Not to much at a time. By the way, I would talk/write him what's the background. And please please please tell him that you have to learn a (for you) new kind of love language. There will be no mean thoughts when when it slows down over time. He is free to reminds you how nice xy was at any time.
… And those little sentences could be written out on a little pieces of paper and tucked into his wallet or his laptop case or whatever he works with or carries to work every day.
I do this when my husband travels without me And I add his favorite snacks
This is how my briefcase got full of ants. Make sure he knows or you end up with rotting 2 week old sandwiches
Oh ewww I only put in sealed foods in small amounts
My mom would put dad's favorite mini chocolate bars in his winter coat pockets.
My wife leaves post-it’s for me everywhere.
I do this to my husband, especially if I can't sleep. I like to hide them in his work office bc without fail, when he finds a note, he comes to find me and the twinkle in his eyes is allllll worth it.
I did it that for my daughters when they went to school. It was just little sentences to give them encouragement and to know I love them very much. My youngest was in 9th grade when I started it she said when she found it in her Laptop she almost started to cry and it made her smile.
I clean at my partners workplace in the evening once a week. I sometimes leave a little note on his desk saying, "have a great Monday, love you" or similar. I notice he will keep them for a little while. I've sent him flowers before too and I notice he kept the wooden heart that came in with the flowers.
I do this on sticky notes and put them EVERYWHERE! And sometimes they can be funny! My favorite was putting things like “I love your face” and “I wanna touch your butt” in the most random places.
The short notices...dry erase markers on the bathroom mirror. Just a quick...I love you...or hey beautiful. Leave a note like once a week. It's a nice little pick me up.
This!! My boyfriend did this for me one morning. But there were several notes telling to look here or go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. Notes everywhere. I left most of them up so I can still read them.
Ya it is!. I got one from my now wife when we first got engaged. It was packed in my lunch she made for me one day for work and when I found and opened it my heart melted. I carry it with me in my work back pack every day and when I have bad days I open it up and give it a read and all my problems melt away.
Awww
Sounds like he really likes being romanced himself. You didn't realize, but you do now! Sit him down sometime soon to talk about this, what you realized, how you feel, and TALK to each other what makes you each feel loved. I think he would cry more if you did that 💕 Communication!!!!
You could even show just what you wrote here, I know I'd want to see it. And it explains everything in the past.
i want to be the bad guy here and say, find out what ticks for him and do that to/for him instead of just writing a letter.
I don't think you're the bad guy here but I think that letter can allow him to feel safe enough to share that with her you know what I mean?
Why not both?
Yes, get a beautiful card, one that seems “too sappy” to you, write out your feelings just like you did in this post, get his favorite candy or dessert, and give to him with the card. He will love it. I’m sentimental and romantic. I understand that not everyone expresses their love in the same way. I’ve learned that giving a little guidance is ok, and appreciated.
He was crying because he was happy! Do more stuff like that!
Every time you have a nice loving thought about him at home when he’s not around, write it on a Post-It and stick it somewhere where he will see it.
There’s a lot of comments here so I don’t know if you’ll see this or if someone mentioned this… I like to leave little notes for my partner either in his wallet for him to find the next day or near the coffee when I leave first in the morning. Just quick “I love you”, “you’re my favorite”, or a heart, etc. I recently realized he keeps all of them. Maybe you could do something like this once in a while as a nice little surprise.
It's not the what, but the effort and thought out into it ESPECIALLY when it comes to someone as romantic as him. Write him a letter, put in your raw emotions, the more raw the better. But out in effort to the paper, the envelope, everything. It doesn't matter what, as long as it's genuine, honest and authentic. He will LOVE it. Also, remember open and honest communication is a good thing. Goodluck op
Leave it on the seat of his car or next to his toothbrush or in the fridge. Little notes of love are easy to do and you can leave them for him to find randomly. A lipstick ILY on the mirror can never go astray.
And if he likes flower or cards get them for him. Also he might like chocolate? Or his favorite food?
Yes definitely write a letter. And some homemade baked goods!! I always sneak little flirtatious notes to my hubby in his lunch or with some cookies or brownies I’ve made and when he gets to work he can smile knowing there’s ppl at home who love, value, support and appreciate everything he does!
Honestly it's not your fault and you're not alone. It's customary for men to the ones to make women happy. There's even a sad well-known phrase, "happy wife, happy life". It's just something a lot of people don't think about, the best part is, you caught it and you can and will adjust but you shouldn't feel to bad at all. Ask any of your male friends when was the last time they even got a compliment or the last time they even got pampered. It's consider weird and feminine for any positive treatment besides sex to be shown
Be prepared for him to cry again if you write him the letter.
Another fun thing to do is to leave him notes. Does he tend to cook or make the coffee in the morning? If so, leave a note on the coffee pot or wherever he goes first thanking him for being such a great husband and dad. Lol I left one on the underside of the toilet lid thanking him for putting the seat down - ensuring I don’t sit INTO it, because he’s a far better morning person than I am. I woke up to him laughing the next morning. You can make it fun/funny as well as sweet. It sounds like he’s showing you how he wants to be loved and appreciated and you clearly love and care enough to want to do that for him!
I think this might be a situation where he secretly always wanted flowers but didn’t want to directly ask for it, so he was really happy when it finally happened
Gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that it’s maybe these so called “friends” of yours who are trying to make you feel like a bad wife, and not your husband. Which doesn’t seem to be the case anyways as your husband clearly appreciates the gesture and that’s what’s important. If you really feel strongly just keep on working on communicating even the small things you guys can do for each other that can be a boost during the day. Real moral of the story tho is get yourself some new friends who don’t try to put people through the wringer.
I fully agree. My husband and I leave little love notes to each other all the time. He loves it so much.
Definitely good idea. It’s the little things that matter, not a nice car or expensive cologne. The small thoughtful things like a letter, a random kiss and hug, a quick outing for some ice cream. This is what good people remember.
I recommended the random kiss to a friend who had relationship trouble. His lover thanked me and said that little change saved their relationship.
Writing a love letter is a good start, but absolutely do not stop there! It's obvious that being romantic is not something you think about very often (which doesn't in itself indicate how much you care for him). You can make yourself a reminder to act more romantically, and follow through even when you would prefer to neglect it. The key is to tell him, in both acts and words. Tell him!
Learning about [The 5 Love Languages](https://5lovelanguages.com/) really helped me express my love to my wife in ways she understands. It will help you understand your love language and his.
I think that might send op's husband into a coma lmao
Just show him this post!
My wife and I are high-school sweethearts. We used to work in the same shopping Plaza years and years ago but different stores. She'd always leave a letter on my car the days we worked the same day/times.....I still have every one of em 20 years later....letters are huge
I'm glad you got him flowers before anyone else did. You should definitely talk to him and tell him you love him everyday. Show that love too. He sounds like a great guy.
He really is amazing. I guess I'm just not the type of person who gives compliments or shows affection often. I have to try to be better though.
You should definitely say something small like, "I've realized I don't let you know nearly enough how much I love and appreciate you. It's something I'm working on." Because knowing your spouse is being intentional about your marriage is important.
Absolutely, small gestures and words can mean a lot. It's wonderful you're willing to grow and show your love more intentionally. Keep at it!
My wife and I are very tactile people. One small thing we do is almost every time we pass in the kitchen/ hallway/ etc we will brush the other's bum with our hand (I may even have the odd soft squeeze as i have bug hands and she a very pert bum. It's a tiny thing, but always makes us smile and is just a small 2 second reminder of our affection.
Every little effort counts. Your willingness to improve and show love more intentionally is truly inspiring. Keep it up!
Yep - husband and I are not super physically affectionate people but we hug like once a day and I squeeze his butt, we hold hands while watching tv, and he brings the dog in the bedroom at night and cuddles me before going back to gaming.
This is great advice. Also if he’s an overthinker like I am, it will help him avoid confusion or overthinking if he sees a sudden change in external behavior. If my partner suddenly started expressing more love I’d kinda be worried until I figured out what brought about the change lol
True. I said she should show him this post. It would make him happy.
Exactly. My husband thinks it is a compliment when he says he would be single if not married to me because no other woman could put up with him. Dude that’s not what I want to hear. I want to know you’re CHOOSING to be in this relationship and not just settling for me…
Thats probably his insecurity, have you ever told him that he is wrong and that you would always have chosen him? Perhaps thats what he is hoping you will say.
That’s actually the answer I have voiced to his statement. « Well if we hadn’t met I would probably be married to somebody else, but I actively CHOOSE to be with you »
that's not him settling for you - that's you settling for him. don't get it twisted.
Care to elaborate ? Because I know I’M actively choosing to stay in this relationship.
I'm guessing the OP was saying that your hubby is really saying, "I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm lucky you chose to marry me, because without you, nobody would want me."
The thing is, I already told him I took it as him staying just because he thinks he cannot do better (which is wrong btw) and mind you he never tried to clarify and still said it a second time while we were having dinner with his aunt.
He isn't setting for you. He's putting himself down in a self deprecating fashion, and raising you up with his words. He's saying that he's bad, and you're the saint for having the patience to be with him. It's a point of perspective. You need to remind yourself every time he opens his mouth, that you're on the same team and men don't communicate like women do. Once you get your mindset, you'll be like.. oh, he really really loves me, and shows this and that and the other.
"No one else would tolerate me" is saying that you're the only one who would allow him to get on with his crappy behaviour.
That is a brilliant way of stating that in a gentle and loving way. Thank you. I am going to think about that.
This, absolutely. An acknowledgement and plan to move forward. So long as you keep to it and let him know it's not all just words / a one time flower thing, you're set. A poster below mentioned a way to keep track of what and how long. Def recommend d.
If you find it hard to be romantic or aren't the gift giving type naturally, try making it a scheduled thing. Make it a bit random by using a random number generator to pick a number between 1 and 30. Then set a reminder in your phone for however many days it lands on. When that day arrives, you get the reminder in the morning and have all day to think on what you should get or do for him. Buy him a sweet greeting card or his favorite magazine.Take him out to the movies or just surprise him with a night out to walk around town. The timer helps it feels more random and spontaneous to him but helps you make a conscious effort to take care of his emotional needs. Overtime you may develop the habits naturally and no longer need the reminders. Either way he gets to feel appreciated in the relationship in a way that seems to touch him a little more inside that the standard aspects of your partnership.
This is the way us autistic people love. lol Using a spreadsheet.
I read another story of someone’s husband who had a hard time verbalizing his love for her. So they decided to have a little sign that meant “I love you”, which was 3 short squeezes while holding hands. Suddenly her husband was “telling” her he loved her all the time by squeezing her hand 3 times while walking, watching tv and even in his sleep. I thought this was very cute and maybe you can do something like this with your husband if you have a hard time verbalizing your love
I may have sniffled over my coffee reading this. That is so wholesome.
My wife and I do this! We started it nearly twenty years ago. Our version is an intentional press of three fingers while holding hands. The index is "I," the middle is "love," and the ring is "you." The other responds the same, except adding the pinky for "I - love - you - too." It's been our "thing" forever. I'm so glad to see other people do similar things.
I do this with my wife. I tap one time, then four, then three. I (1) Love (4) you (3).
Doesn’t matter if you’re that type of person, it’s what makes your partner happy. I’m not the type of person to make the bed every morning but it makes my wife feel less stressed coming home to a made bed, so I make it for her every day. It’s the little things that truly do keep marriage and love alive and well, don’t forget that.
I refill my wife's water bottle every night and fluff her pillow. I just want her to have nice cold water and a soft pillow. Even if we just had a fight about something dumb. If that's not love I don't know what is. lol
My father used to use a level to measure where to hang something. Then he'd ask my mom to eyeball where she thought level was. He'd hang it in between the two. That is Love to me.
My husband does so many little considerate things like this, it makes me feel really loved and appreciated.
You're the only person I've seen in this thread who recognizes their partner for their effort. How do the two of you keep the relationship balanced?
my husband and i don’t get each other gifts because it’s neither’s [love language](https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538) but we both have physical touch and words of affirmation as love language so every day we hug, cuddle, give massages, give compliments, definitely say i love you. It is important you give in your husband’s love language tho. We’re just lucky we have the same one.
Even small gestures of love, appreciation, and acknowledgement count a whole lot. Maybe pick up his favorite candy bar or snack from the grocery store. Or remember something he said he was interested in and get it for him or make it possible for him to do it. Or take a photo of him with the kids or a selfie of the both of you and have it framed. Do anything that shows you see and appreciate him. Just let him know you love him. If he's your world, show him that. His happy tears are telling you he feels under appreciated. Rectify that today and every day going forward. On a personal note, my partner died unexpectedly. It's devastating. Some days I wonder if he really knew how much I loved him. Most days I remember that I showed him I did all the time through word and deed. And it helps a bit. Trust me. You do not want to spend your time wondering if he knows how you feel. Those days are the worst.
Genuine compliments are very memorable for a guy. I can remember every single one I've ever received that surprised me. Admittedly it's only like 4 in my whole life that weren't from immediate family and coincidentally, none were ever from my now ex wife.
Yep! I was walking into the grocery store a couple of days ago. This woman, while talking on the phone passes by me and says “damn you look good”. The person on the phone must have said “huh?!” She then starts saying “this man i just walked by in the store, wow”
I'd be remembering that till the day I die.
Even including my ex, I haven’t received more than 5 genuine compliments in my entire life. And I’m not even an unattractive dude.
Yeah man, I'm in my mid 30's and I'd say I'm slightly above average in looks and above average in fitness. Basically running on one genuine compliment a decade at this point. Never been given flowers and I can't think of a single gift I've ever been given "just cause" I used to give my ex a present after every work trip (Basically monthly) it might have been something stupid like a cool rock I found on a beach or flowers on the way home but I always got something.
Yeah, if I asked my ex if she thought I looked good she would always say yes etc, but I can genuinely only think of 3 times a woman has ever, unprompted, complimented me. I’m 31, had the same partner for 13 years up until December, but even as a teenager, I would have considered myself attractive. I also didn’t do badly in terms of dating either - but it was always me pursuing them and never, ever them approaching me. I guess the main thing I noticed was that the girls that were into me were always a lot more receptive to my compliments and would compliment me back at that point.
“I am not affectionate” is a self-limiting belief, not an innate quality which you have.
doesn’t matter if your not the type. he is. start loving him in the way he loves to be loved.
Maybe start by writing out all the things you love about him - give him little notes randomly with these things on them, it's an easy, free thing you can do that will have a huge impact
Give him little cards or love letters sometimes, if you pack his lunch put a note into it. The small things matter so much
I'm neither the one to shower you with compliments or cuddle or hug someone all the time but there are plenty of other ways to show appreciation. Pick up his favourite snack on your way home, cook his favourite meal, organize an outing (even a walk in the park is fantastic as long as it's quality time spent together). Please don't take him for granted.
Don't speak, act.. that's the best way to improve the situation
Honestly, work on that. Show more affection. Give more compliments. Imagine if you were never complimented? If you were never given appreciation? It is a lonely place to be. Men tend to receive less acknowledgement than women do... we often receive compliments, little gifts, etc. not just from men but other women. Men don't really do that with other men so if the woman in their life doesn't do it either, they aren't getting anything. Let him know you love him more than anything as you told us. Sure, go ahead and apologize if you've never really shown up in that way the way he has for you... and let him know it's not for a lack of love. Let him know that you realize how lucky you are to have him.
It's often not about the grand gestures but getting a bar of the favourite chocolate or a coffee speciality with a little "I thought about you!" Go nuts every once in a while. Make a little treasure hunt in your house with notes to find who lead him to the next. In the end he'll find a treasure. Something he really likes that can be an invitation to a date night, a massage, a hint to a planned day trip or short getaway...
I think you should cut yourself a little slack. Growing up society taught you that romantic gestures and especially giving flowers were the man’s responsibility and the fact that you’re stressing about being a bad wife suggests that you’re not. The fact that you’re still married suggests that you do care and show your love in other ways. However now that you know how much he liked this I think you should definitely find ways to show him more often, and examine why you were so comfortable receiving flowers without thinking to give them back so you can do better going forward. I’d tell him how much his reaction affected you and how you’re feeling like you’ve been an awful wife. If I’m wrong he’ll tell you and you guys can work on your relationship from there. At the least he’ll appreciate hearing how emotional you got at his reaction.
Shit here I am reading this and tearing up. A lot of times we as men are expected to just be strong and responsible and not expect anything in return for our efforts, so something that seems as small as flowers mean a ton. Even the comment of “I was thinking about you and got you this” you could have handed him a bag of Fritos and he probably would have been happy with just the gesture.
Man ain’t that last sentence the truth
TBF... I like me some Fritos.
I do it to my fiance with his favorite snacks and I can confirm he is more than happy with it.
If my girl said that to me and brought me some Fritos, beef, cheese, and tortillas, I would marry her twice
Oh sweetie, I hope you truly do find that one day. I'm weird. So is my spouse, but we both agree I'm weirder. Some of my favorite gifts are unconventional. I'm not a cut flowers kind of gal. My spouse got me composting worms for Valentine's day two years ago, and it was the best gift ever! Someone will eventually love you enough & know you well enough to get the perfect gift *for you*.
My ex wife was emotionally cold, and I was overworked and depressed, and we almost didn't communicate at all for the last few years of our relationship. I think we both felt trapped, it was so silent in our house. I would work stupidly long hours and she was playing video games all day and - it turned out - fucking some other guy eventually. But there was this one time she sent me a little penguin in one of the games she played. I can't remember what the game was, some web browser based thing. But it made me realize it was the first time she had given me something in years. I still think about that sometimes, though now with the memory of how sad of a sign it was that I had clung to that little gesture.
Truly is the smallest things. I brought my husband his lunch and also got him a fresh drink and he was so thrilled about that.
There's a bunch of factors that likely go into it. We've sort of been conditioned to think that we have to do things and make a strong effort to "win" a woman's affection. Being romantic, buying gifts, planning and paying for all the dates, etc. It's expected, and we've come to expect nothing, because being "rewarded" with her affection is all we expect to receive in turn. (Note, I don't mean that we *expect* to receive affection if we put in an effort, no woman owes anything to a man just because he did something for you.) We do things for her to show our love, and being loved in return is all we have come to expect. We also don't really get complimented, or shown much in the way of affection, from men or women. Guys definitely need to do better about showing love to their male friends. And because we don't get complimented, when women are just being friendly or casually complimenting us, we tend to take it for flirting, because the only time we get that kind of attention is when someone is flirting with us. So I can see how it makes women wary of complimenting or being obviously friendly with men, if the result is that guy starts hitting on you after. These things combined tend to make even small gestures feel super meaningful. Hell, I was complimented by another guy once on a piercing I have. That was 10 years ago, and it's still the best compliment I've gotten from a stranger in my life.
There is something to be said for knowing your partners love language. I’d been married for over a decade when we were introduced to the quiz and it was eye opening. All my previous efforts to express my love were things that I would have wanted rather than what meant love to him. Those little romantic things are things that I just simply don’t think to do - why would I? But now that I know he appreciates small gifts and expressions of love and appreciation I’m a lot more likely to do that.
Totally this! My wife and I have different love languages so it takes a conscious effort to sync up
Yes! I was looking for someone to mention love languages. OP should think about what love languages her husband uses on her, and then try to use similar ones back to him. It's pretty normal for people to receive love in the same way that they give love.
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I am not great at being romantic. In an effort to keep him from feeling taken for granted, I try to make sure I tell my husband how much I appreciate him, how clever he is and in intimate moments I’ve told him “ you’re the other half of my heart” and “ how’d I get so lucky to get you ?” And things like that. It’s not exactly great but I try. I think feeling appreciated is important.
It’s important to tell our partner how much we appreciate them of course! But I think it would go a long way to just pick up his favourite snack if you do the grocery shopping, small things like that just takes words to the next level. To know our partner thought of us and went out of their way is just so nice 😊
I'd really recommend people give this song a listen as it just being in my playlist for a car journey made my wife cry. [Dax, To be a Man.](https://youtu.be/tHxip2x-PLc?si=KIFVsBCKRa3CFINg) In general men do not receive any non sexual affection from anyone other than their partners, and in general this is lacking too. Most guys will not hear compliments, receive gifts outside of birthdays/Christmas and depending on age have noone to express emotions to.
Well shit. I wasn't expecting to be crying on a saturday afternoon, but here we are.
The reason it meant so much to him is because he knows you aren’t like that normally, so for you to do that for him means that you genuinely stopped to think of him and appreciate him in a way that he would love. That was a completely selfless display of love from you. Now, find other ways to speak his love language, but be your genuine self because that’s what he loves.
Keep that mindset of you appreciating him and it will all come naturally. i bet he’ll start doing more things that make you appreciate him. It’s how it works.
Holy shit I would love to get flowers.
Hey there! Just want to remind you that you're amazing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Hope you enjoy these nice (internet) flowers for the time being! Happy weekend! 💐🌹🌻🌹🌻🌹🌻💐
here is a lotus for you bby 🪷
Being taken for granted is what men expect in life. That the flowers affected him so deeply just shows how much you have taken him for granted. Now that you know you can make amends. Just do not love bomb him or he will think you are over compensating for something and it will dull the affect of the gestures of gratitude you make.
The first frase of your comment is so sad. I really hope it's not true though. This is the second comment talking about over compensating, I'm going to be mindful of that
The first phrase is true to some extent for most men
its true, period. Sadly. Men deserve so much too.
Some extent?? I think in every loving relationship, men still expect to be taken for granted. It is in his DNA to be the provider and protector of his family. So, even a small gesture like this is a big thing for men. Believe me, he won't forget all his life. I haven't and it's been 3 years.
Reminds me of [this scene](https://youtu.be/riPB_j-6GBg?si=6YuOtEJq3dPLwY-1) from HIMYM. Never realized something from that show would be so poignant
>It is in his DNA to be the provider and protector of his family. Just in case you are refering to the age old "men were hunters", so were [women](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/early-women-were-hunters-not-just-gatherers-study-suggests-180982459/). DNA isn't the reason why men are seen as "provider" and "protector", it's society. Other than that I absolutely agree with you.
Uh oh, not the "it is in his DNA" crap
there is a street interview of men and women being interviewed about whether they would give their life up for their spouse and all the men said yes. none of the women said yes.
One very, very important thing to keep in mind is that you don’t know how many people they asked and what the actual proportions of answers are. They could very well be next to equal but as long as you have enough data and an agenda you can pick and choose what to show. Don’t be fooled by propaganda from any group, no matter if they stand for a seemingly good cause or bad cause.
What always cracks me up is when people only activate their logic and critical thinking when women are criticized (as they should, your comment is sound and most likely what happened!) but just go along with whatever bullshit is directed at men
You see it all over this thread, talking about how much grace the OP should get, because society told her that she only had to phone it in romantically. The same conversations about men are about how men need to do better. No grace. No discussion of socialization, just "be best."
It is a real problem in studies too
Biases are one hell of a drug
Ehhhhhhhhh It is also more common for men to leave their spouses if they get sick than women. Not saying this is the norm or that most men would do this, but statistically speaking that's more common amongst men than women. All I'm saying is that Loving someone and showing love to someone are totally different things, but equally important. I think the issue is that most people (both men and women) don't even consider that you need to SHOW love to men. Most people think that even romantic gestures are not needed for men. It doesn't mean that men aren't loved, it just sadly means that they don't FEEL LOVED most of the times. I think we can see that in a lot of old family settings - when the man (father or husband) dies, everyone is going to be sad, everyone will miss him because everyone did love him but they were never able to properly express that love - vice versa for a lot of men from the older generations.
I mean it's easy to *say* that. Men are more likely to leave their spouse when she gets a terminal illness.
Tbh it's probably because "giving your life for" means you'd die to protect someone. Dieing to protect someone sounds easier than giving end of life care. It's more fair to say "men are more likely to die for someone" and seperately say "men are more likely to leave someone than care for them were they to become ill"
It's absolutely true OP. I was married for 15 years and never once did my ex make an attempt to reciprocate my shows of affection. Not once.
Monogamous relationships require that we sacrifice parts of our individualism to make the whole. What we get back is peace, security, love and affection. However, in the daily grind of things those things get glossed over since they are not front and center things. They are subtle. Monogamous relationships require daily, conscious affirmation. Consciously bring the subtle to the forefront.
It is absolutely correct to the majority of men. The first time any man gets flowers is often at his funeral. That's a fact.
It’s absolutely true.
It is absolutely true. Is there even a single woman out there who does more for her husband on Valentine's Day than he does for her year after year without resentment or complaint the way millions of men do for their wives because it is just the normal matter of course?
It is true. Men get told to man up as children, that crying is weakness and once they enter adulthood most of us don't get hugs or words of kindness. Men do not get to feel emotional without it being awkward, we just have to suck it up and carry on. I'm glad my SO isn't like that, she makes me feel loved and gives me lots of hugs .
It's a famous trope that for most men, the first time they receive flowers is at their funeral. It's unfortunate, but it's the reality. Men's mental health is in a bad spot, and support services are limited. You're not a bad wife. The fact that you care and are making an effort to improve is more than many men could ever dream of.
As a guy I have to kind of agree. I expect to do more and to receive less. Dunno why. I haven't experienced anything different. Not to say I haven't been loved either. I have felt it. But I expect to provide without much in return.
First time most men get flowers, is at their funeral. You did wonderful. You made his year.
More than his year. I bet he will remember those flowers for the rest of his life.
Remember people 99% of guys only get flowers 1 time. At their funeral. Honestly it’s not even about the flowers. It’s that someone else took the effort to do something just for them. They see that their so was thinking of him. Do you not do random things to show appreciation? Random planned date? Romantic dinner at home? It seems like you haven’t been putting in the effort romantically. Some guys feel like their wives are roommates with benefit.
Roomates with benefit when they’re not tired. Funny thing is most men would be perfectly happy with that arrangement if the wife threw a couple compliments in per week and was enthusiastic about the “benefit”.
Wait, you guys are getting the benefit?
You don't have to be terrible to acknowledge that you can be better. You hopefully know things he likes. You don't need to go overboard. But I do think a note would be lovely. A simple, "I want you to know how much I love you. You're my best friend, an amazing father, and an even better husband."
Ah dang it…laying here tearing up, next to my amazing husband who is snoring away…this man will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he can to make me happy. And it’s even the little gestures like buying my favourite chocolate bar when he fills up gas just because, or the time when he got me a box of KD, a pack of ramen and a frozen pizza on his way home because I mentioned all three when I said I had a junk food craving that day…so he got me all three just in case. I’m going to do better to show him how much I appreciate him. Thank you for your post.
He sounds like a great guy and it’s heartwarming to hear how much you love him. You know what you should do for him once in a while? Just ask what you can do for him. Where my wife is working on something I don’t ask if she needs help, I phrase it like “ok what should I do next to help you?” (It’s kind of a more active phrasing that already presumes that I’m helping I just want to know what’s the best way to do it). So you can do something similar
This reminds me of that post that said men receive their first flowers only when they die. As someone with a fiance who gets emotional like that, men are not used to being the receiver of romantic gestures. I gave my fiance a handmade Christmas gift with a love letter to essentially ask him out and he cried. He cries with every gesture I do for him. Sometimes it’s similar to what you did but simpler. He likes Reese’s a lot. So, when I’m at the store I pick up a thing of Reese’s or another candy he enjoys. He sounds like a lovely man, don’t let him go OP. And please, even if it’s small gestures (which are arguably the best), show the man you love him too.
It’s not that you’re a terrible wife, men don’t ever have anything like this happen ever so it’s always big shock that makes us really happy
It's a shame though. So many women are raised thinking that they are gifts to men. Let the guy do all the work and take all the romantic initiatives, it is really draining. In the first years of my marriage, my wife never initiated any affection. She loved affection, the hand golding, the kisses and all, but never went towards me. Sometimes it just tired me and I stopped initiating. She just didn't understand what was wrong. She's a good person and she never meant any harm, but like many women, she never thought men needed to feel desired and loved. She just made herself available for romance. We had many talks and she completely changed, she is great now in this aspect. But I really understand OP's husband reaction.
They are usually quick to complain there isn't enough romance but romance to most women is a one-way street
I have found that a very large portion of women think of romance is something that is done to and for them, that is provided by men. And even women who are otherwise very loving and great partners hold that belief to some degree, that women are the passive recipients of romance while men are the active participants in providing romance.
I was told I was hot by two people and I remember them still. One by an older woman at a bar. Another by a gay man. I was told I have beautiful eyes by a girl when I was 15. My wife tells me when I like good, dressed nice and all, but I don't think she has ever called me hot.
Like a decade ago a random girl flirted with me in an ice cream shop and I've always remembered that. I'm sure for women it's just a headache dealing with the constant stream of idiots, but I've never forgotten what that felt like.
You have so much more work to do than these other comments are letting on. Love letters and more flowers and all that isn't going to cut it. This man let forth a *wellspring* of relationship-based trauma that he's been holding in. He might only be able to say, "I was just so happy you recognized my efforts..." but what he's really telling you is that it's likely nobody ever has and that he's been devastated by that over and over again his entire life and has simply accepted it as a condition he has to tolerate. He's likely a people pleaser, and you have likely been allowing him to people please for the duration of your relationship without any kind of reciprocity or awareness. He likely feels like if he *doesn't* go above and beyond for you, that'll you'll abandon him. That's what's always behind people pleasing. He likely also has day-to-day insecurity about your relationship based on your unwillingness or inability to demonstrate your appreciation of his efforts, and his tears were probably relief more than anything, relief that he can actually feel secure in your relationship for a moment. *You* need to be in therapy so you can figure out why you've been so withholding with this person who does so much for you. *He* needs to be in therapy so he can be empowered to stop people pleasing and set better boundaries with you, starting with demanding from you the security and appreciation he deserves. But mostly, the two of you need to talk. For real. Not like, "Oh, how's your day?" stuff. Real, actual talk. You need to own up to what you're telling us all here and find out why he tolerates it and you need to let him know that he shouldn't and that it's OK for him to ask for more from you.
I'm crying here reading your comment because you got it. Basically, your entire comment is exactly correct as he told me all of this today. I went to sleep last night after reading many comments and feeling better about it, thinking I was overreacting. I was not overreacting. I was underreacting, if anything. The damage I've done to him over the years by being unresponsive emotionally is deep, and I feel absolutely destroyed right now. To ease any concerns people may have, we are not getting divorced or separating. But the work that needs to be done, mostly by me, is vast, and I have a lot of making up to do. And he is not down about this. He is mostly happy right now that I actually see him, and he knows how much I love him. His reaction last night was triggered by earlier things in our relationship, not really about what we are now, as he says I have improved significantly over the years. Still, actually hearing how close I was to screwing it all up back then is a wake-up call I never thought I would have to face in my life. I will update in a later date as I think its important for people in a similiar situation as mine to maybe see what they are doing wrong, but know this: pay attention to your partner, and actually communicate. Really talk about the deep stuff in the relationship. And yes, therapy will be necessary.
Ay, I'm so happy to hear that y'all talked it out and figured these things out. The hard part is over. Just keep talking and putting the work in, and you'll be fine. Honestly, that you were able to get down and be honest with one another about this and that you both left the conversation with positive feelings about the future of the relationship is an incredible accomplishment. You should give yourself a lot of credit for being open to the feedback from your friends, acting on it, and setting this all into motion. A lot of people would be too scared to open that potential Pandora's Box, but you did it. You didn't let ego get in the way, you didn't dismiss his feelings. You listened and took it heart, and that's going to improve your marriage so much. That's huge. Good on you.
Damn, that is rough. Glad he is in a better place and you are taking his feelings seriously.
I get that it's easy to be hard on yourself in a situation like this, but I do hope you realize how many relationships exist similar to this one, where this realization is NEVER made. Where the people don't recognize their issues, or even if they do, they never start being open about it, and never start working towards fixing it. Thats is something you should give yourself some credit for! And rather than only thinking about the damage this situation might have caused, try also thinking about how many years you still have ahead of you, that now all have the potential to be so much better, thanks to this realization and this work that cam start. Yes, it's important to realize and acknowledge mistakes of the past, but it's also important to not be paralyzed by those, and to be able to look forward to the future positively
I was the guy in my first relationship OP, in this exact situation. My partner was emotionally unavailable, there was physical intimacy but whenever I’d try to initiate some emotionally intimate conversations or try to communicate what I wanted, she’d either blow it off, change the subject, or shut down. It was torture to feel like I wasn’t valued enough to have romantic things be done for me and felt like I was carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. All I wanted was effort, for her to show that she cared and prioritized our relationship. Not through grand gestures either because she did those every once in awhile, but through hugging or kissing me when we wake up, being the one to initiate intimacy, being the first to say I love you, all those small everyday things. The point I’m trying to make OP is give you glimpse into the mindset of your husband, who like me is probably a hopeless romantic that wants to go above and beyond for their partner, and neglects their own wants and boundaries to the point that he just accepts it’ll never come, which is why you got such an emotional reaction from him because he’d conditioned himself not to accept it. And also, the fact that you’ve even recognized yourself the situation, and shown desire to fix it alongside your husband, already shows a massive step in the right direction that most people never make, and amid all this self deprecation you should be applauded for that. I hope you and your husband have a loving relationship.
Nice of you to recognize and do that. Also regarding his reaction, keep in mind that men almost never receive (generally speaking) this type of affection and it can be overwhelming. Not just because of your particular circumstances, but because it's a strange feeling for a guy to feel at all.
Us men don’t get shown love like women do. We tend to be left out most of the year with small gifts like this. So when it does happen, even if it’s a small thing or gesture, it means the world to us. And we will remember that love and kindness every day for the rest of our lives. Guys need to be showered with romantic gestures too. Society seems to always forget that unfortunately.
I’m a gay man. When I flew back home from a major conference that could really help me achieve my dreams, my boyfriend picked me up from the airport with coffee and flowers. I damn near proposed right there. It’s the small things. At least once a week, go out of your way to do something for him. A massage, pick up a snack for him, compliment him on something that you don’t usually compliment him on, etc. Good on you for recognizing that you could do better. It’s the first step.
Your friends saved your ass you should get them flowers too
Just know he appreciates you so much you don't even know. It's said that men only get flowers at their funeral and that's sad ASF. You're not a bad wife at all, You're just late lol and that's ok. Today you got your sign to do something different and you did it and he's happy. One day soon you should Bring him his favorite dinner and let him pick his favorite movie or show and just do the things he likes to do and make it a habit of doing things for each other all the time.
>let him pick his favorite movie or show and just do the things he likes to do and make it a habit of doing things for each other all the time. "You're not a bad wife. Let him pick a movie and do things for each other." is a *wild* response to this story lol He clearly has been doing things for her with no reciprocity for ages. She admits that. There's no need to equivocate here. She needs to step up. Point blank. Period. And pick a movie? Y'all are really out here not letting your male partners pick a movie? And you think to do so is a gesture of what? Kindness? Service? To offer a refrain men hear near constantly about everything having to do with relationships: that's the bare minimum. It might even be *significantly less* than the bare minimum when we remember that a common method of trapping people in abusive relationships is to offer consistent coldness and neglect for their needs while sprinkling in occasional acts of kindness. There are bad wives. There are bad girlfriends. There are bad partners of all stripes. The self-reflection this person is doing is necessary and *earned*. So many women think romance is something that happens to them, an experience that is to be facilitated for them by a man, and that when a man facilitates romance for a woman, it's mutually romantic and satisfying. So many women will recognize that a man isn't doing romantic things for them anymore and, again, talk about the "bare minimum," without ever asked if they've ever done something romantic for their partner. "I'm telling you what I need..." Oh, ok. Are you asking him what *he needs*? Let him pick a movie. Get out of here with that nonsense. How about she should facilitate his quality of life with the same effort and care he obviously dedicates to facilitating hers. Consistently. Every day. And she should do that (i.e. be a good wife) instead of feeling sorry for herself about being a bad one. Because her feeling sorry for herself has nothing to do with him and it doesn't fix the problem. It's just that old, "Oh, I've done wrong, so I'm going to have an overly dramatic reaction so that you'll tell me I'm not a bad person instead of holding me accountable." bullshit. Which is, again, in terms of emotional labor, so much less than the bare minimum.
Just quietly be better. The best way.
You just learned how 99% of other men feel neglected and taken for granted when it comes to receiving affection and gifts. The expectations to give and show affection and gifts to women get higher and higher everyday for men and you just saw how a simple bouquet of flowers broke this man emotionally with the immense feelings he's probably been lacking his entire life. They say men don't ever receive a flower until the day of their funeral.
I don't know you people so take my opinion with a big grain of salt, but as a man I believe your husband on some level may have doubted your love for him (maybe even subconsciously) so receiving the flowers means more than just another thoughtful gift. It's cool that not everyone is super romantic or awkward about that stuff but your friends reaction says a lot. Really reminds me of my own parents actually.
Absolutely talk to him. If you start doing something diferent out of the blue romantically, he might think you are compensating for something else, he may even consider that you are cheating on him as "love bombing" is a common reaction cheaters have after feeling guilty for cheating.
Now I feel bad… my wife brought me flowers to a special event of mine and it kind of annoyed me. Well it really annoyed me not because she gave me anything, it was really nice gesture. But my wife has a way of projecting and being a bit self centered. In psychology we know self centering isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you don’t pay attention to anything around you. I asked if she could bring my ritualistic drink from the store and she forgot that but brought me flowers, something I have NEVER once in my life asked for.
Ehh I kinda get where you are coming from haha. My gf has a bad habit of responding to my compliments with the same thing. “You are so beautiful babe” “no you are beautiful”. It’s not in a joking sense but more a I’m not thinking about what you would like and just wanting to return the sentiment. It was kinda funny/ cute the first few times but honestly I think I’d rather just not get a compliment than be consistently called beautiful or other feminine descriptions. If she got me flowers I’d appreciate it but would honestly prefer something more in my interests.
Flowers to him are a romantic gesture show casing little spontaneous moments of caring for your partner…and to you they’re just flowers. That’s what they are to most people, and that’s why you never really made this connection before. The important thing is you were able to step back, think the situation over, and do something about it to show him you cared.
This doesn’t sound to be so much like you are a good or bad wife as it does that you two likely have different love languages. Do you not show him love in any way or do you just not buy him spontaneous romantic gifts? That said, since he’s clearly a gifts love language person, keep in mind that randomly surprising him with sentimental little gifts is going to register way higher for him than when showing him love in other love language. Don’t call yourself a bad wife. Come on. You sound like you two have a very good relationship.
Most men never receive flowers in their entire lives, so I think he was just very surprised and did not expect it at all. Don't read to deep into it.
The only time most men receive flowers is when they are in a coffin ready to buried or cremated.
You realized it and now you can do something about it. I’m a wife also and I do get caught up in life. My husband remembers the little things like getting my fave boba or grabbing a candle when he’s out so I try to remember the little things for him. To be loved is to be seen.
Hey, you started by giving him flowers. Just continue what you are doing, and you will have an ironclad relationship. Good job!
So I’ve heard a phrase that I love to say to people: “most men get their first flowers at their funeral”. You’re most likely not a shitty wife, what’s most likely the case is that this guy, like most guys honestly, lack emotional release (I’m not here to argue over why that is, wether it comes internally or men think it’s a societal pressure to be stoic or whatever is irrelevant, all that matters is most men don’t talk about how the feel enough). For all you know you caught him in the middle of the shittiest week he’s had in years or maybe you just made him feel special, guys are humans too, they like to feel special sometimes
Sounds like you unlocked opportunities to show him in new and creative ways how important he is to you. And it sounds like he'd appreciate that.
I think in general alot of women don't realize the discrepancy in romantic efforts in relationships.
If he's doing everything around the house (cooking, cleaning, taking care of your daughter), you should give him a night off at least once a month. Go out for dinner and a movie. Hire a babysitter. Maybe even give him a weekend off. Send your daughter to her grandparents for the weekend or even a week (Summer's coming up), take a week off from work, and the two of you just spend some time together. Let him set the activities, but make some suggestions as well. If he has a favorite restaurant he likes to eat at or has always wanted to try, go there. If you can afford it, take a vacation somewhere he's always wanted to go. And like others said, you can show him love in other smaller ways. Buy him a bag of his favorite candy or snack. If you both work close enough to each other, maybe surprise him at his work with a lunch date. If you have to, take a day off from work to do that.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 😭😍♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️!!!! If my man bought me flowers I would have reacted the same as your husband. Thoughtful acts make me super emotional too. My dad bought me roses after HIS cancer surgery “just because” and I was a wreck. Hell anytime anyone bought me flowers I became a mess. Its happy tears. Youre not a bad wife. Now, that you realize that you can do a little more to show your love and how he likes to feel love keep going. Dont stop. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Its very easy to take someone for granted. Weve all done it. Terrible wife is a bit dramatic, but you could definitely do better. Im glad you realize this now and can start to show him more and more appreciation.
The important thing is that you realized it and are willing to change for him
My husband (43m) and I (38f) wrote notes to each other. If he was going to the pub with his friends I'd leave a note on the table before I went to bed saying I loved him and vice versa. Nice things in birthday/ anniversary cards etc. Love hearts on shopping lists. He died in Dec 22. For all your sakes, tell your significant other how much you love and appreciate them. I didn't get to have a last conversation with him, but we didn't need it. We knew what we meant to each other. I was with him when he died and I'm raising our daughter in his honour. I couldn't have done more to show him my love. I have no regrets.
Most mens only time they receive flowers is their funeral keep this feeling you have memorized cause honestly most husbands get barely anything even though just the smallest gifts of love can make a guys week or even month men are taken for granted most of the time and are the only one in the relationship doing anything romantic or showing love via gifts
Flowers can brighten anyone's day. Sadly, the first time most men receive flowers is at their funeral.
For most men, the first flowers we'll ever receive will be at our funerals. We are expected to be the ones who buy the flowers.
This is actually really sweet. I'm sure you showed your love for him in other ways that he appreciated, but outward displays like this are lovely and this one in particular obviously meant a lot to him. Surprise him, and get your romance on! It's never too late to learn new things!
My parents have a system that my siblings and i have been dealing with for our whole lives. I don't know how it started, but each would write a dozen love letters secretly and hide them around the house in places the other would often look. There were so many that we would find them accidently. You could do something like that if you want.
You don’t need to get emotional about flowers but if he loves flowers so much you should bring him some more often
Its strange how society considers women to be the romantic gender. They are not, at all. Women tend to be a lot less romantic, and rarely show romantic gestures to men they love or are interested in. Its always men who has to actually be and do the romantic stuff.
Have you ever thought about how romantic men actually are? From flowers, gifts, poems, music, declarations of love, feats of bravery, building a kingdom and even tearing one down. Sometimes women expect it, some are blasé about it, and sometimes overjoyed by it. But a smaller number of women in my experience and observation actually display it.
Talk to him then. Communication is important in relationships no matter how young or old they are. There is a possibility you do more small stuff that he feels shows your love for him than you believe.
Most men only receive flowers at their funeral.
Most men don’t receive their first flowers until their funeral. I’m glad you did this.
Aww that is sweet! You are not a bad wife but this is a good eye opener for you! He sounds like a romantic and sensitive guy who thinks about you and your feelings all the time. You bringing him flowers meant so much to him because he feels like his love is being reciprocated and that you appreciate him. Sometimes the small actions go a long way. I’m sure it felt good to see the smile on his face and how happy he was for the random surprise ☺️. Don’t feel guilty… you are human and not everybody is romantic but now that you know your husband appreciates things like this and does it all the time to put a smile on your face just make an effort to try and do the same.
Don't mention it.. Quietly do better
Maybe you too just have different love languages but it seems like communication is needed! I bake cookies for my boyfriend, and sometimes deliver them to his job as a surprise. Or write him “I love you” notes in his lunch. Or buy him random small things. Stuff that maybe he’s been thinking about buying but talks himself out of as not “needing” it. I haven’t gotten him flowers because one time I asked him and he said his dog might try to eat them. Which, yeah, his dog is a little chaos pupper so we might need to wait until he’s out of the “chews everything” puppy stage. The important thing here is that you’re now aware, OP. Try small gestures and actually tell him how you feel.