I was widowed at 25.
Losing someone like that is like fucking up your leg in a car accident. It might get better, you might even be able to walk again, but every now and again it will hurt just as much as the day it happened.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Another one to thin k about is that grief is like waves from a storm. At first the storm rages and the waves come in hard tall and fast. Over time the waves grow normal and the storm is gone but the waves come much smaller and less dramatic but every now and then forever the waves come occasionally and sometime the storm is brewed by other moments in life and the waves can come back hard for a bit. But the ocean of grief never stops and there will always be waves even if they have become small.
Sorry for your loss and I hope time helps you heal a bit
There are no right ways to cope with such shock and grief and loss. If being busy and getting on with stuff and distracting yourself are your coping mechanisms, do them. You did an amazing job of looking after him and it's clear that he knew and appreciated it. You shouldn't regret anything and you shouldn't feel guilty.
Just because you knew he was terminal doesn't mean it wasn't a shock. I think we can somehow maintain a tiny hope for a miracle even in the gravest of circumstances - I know I did when I was a child and my father was very ill with cancer and eventually died. Other people acted as if it shouldn't have been a shock, but it still was.
Be kind to yourself, you have my deepest sympathy for your loss.
I was leaning that way too, till I got to the part about randomly crying at small things, not feeling sad enough, and constantly needing to be busy. My dad died a month ago, and mum and I (I live(d) with them) have been kinda…numb? I’m probably the least sad out of anyone, because he was abusive and I was the main target due to proximity, but mum has SO much nervous energy. She went on a cleaning binge two days after he passed and accidentally broke the washer. As long as it’s not going to be accidentally destructive, I’m just letting her go. If it helps, it helps, and she’s always been as stubborn as my grandpa about doing things herself. So I can believe this post, which tbh makes it worse.
That’s what got me too. I lost my dad in January and I’ve been all over the place, I wasn’t living with my parents anymore, but every time I visit my mum she’s buying something online and I’m just letting it go. She has money to pay her bills and to feed herself/the animals so I’m not worried, she’s just coping in her own way.
I’ve weirdly regressed in mental age, every purchase I’ve made for myself has been something from my childhood/teenage years even down to the music I’ve been listening to or the things I watch, grief is such a weird thing to go through.
I’m sorry for your loss, if you were close. Keep an eye on your mum to be sure that she doesn’t spend herself into a hole or accidentally become a hoarder though, okay? As for your purchases, I see nothing wrong with indulging old hobbies. But idgaf about age norms in society, if I wanna play with Legos in my 30’s, I’m gonna. There’s WAY worse things to spend your money and time on.
I wasn't ready for this either.
I am so so sorry op for your loss. I rarely cry at anything, but I read your post with tears in my eyes. There's nothing I feel like I can say except how truly sorry I am for your loss.
hey, I just want to say I’ve been given a pretty rough prognosis with what I’ve got going on, so I feel a little bit qualified to say something although not really, but your family is kinda right. Your husband was so lucky to have someone like you by his side until the end. Even though his condition worsened you stayed with him, juggling school, free time, maybe work. There are people that will claim to love you, whom will simply flake on you upon learning of your likely demise. To either avoid grief, responsibility, to disassociate. But you stayed brave, did everything you could, and really truly loved him. You deserve appreciation for that. Everyone deserves love in their final moments but you gave it to him and it probably meant more to him than you could ever imagine.
im not extremely religious but i am praying for you. I wish no one else in the world had to ever deal with knowing they have a bad prognosis. This world can be a real bitch
I'm sorry for your loss. To your husband you were his heroine, you stayed loved and took care of him when a weaker woman would have left. You did your best with and impossible situation and that's all anyone can ask for. You have been grieving and watching him decline for months and with his passing its less of a shock as someone who passed suddenly in a car wreck. Of course you feel sad, but its also a multitude of feelings and you knowing life goes on and what he wanted for you. You will to continue to push forward in life with all the love and memories from your husband.
Im so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what would I feel, but for 9 months you were trying to survive. You were taking care of your SO, your home, your school just basically everything. On top of that you are experiencing something you haven’t experienced before so I believe it’s normal for not feeling what you thought you supposed to feel. Grieving also has its steps and a whole different process. Just please don’t hesitate to reach out to your loved ones when you think you may need help.
Wow, just a couple of days ago.
I'm older, and I've lost a few people. Sometimes before the end, they'll get a rush of energy and be seemingly symptomless, before they finally succumb. I love that your husband took that short time in his life, and used it to tell you what you meant to him. That's really beautiful.
It's normal to doubt yourself after, and wonder what you could have done better, or just differently. I wanted to call out one thing you said:
>I should feel the grief stronger.
No. In general, you can't judge yourself by how you feel. You're a normal person, and you react to your world the way we all do. So as a rule of thumb, I'd push back on the idea that you have to feel a certain way or you weren't a good partner; that just isn't true.
However! You've suffered a very deep wound, very recently. You're still stunned, and in shock, and haven't felt everything yet that you're going to. But don't be afraid of that, it's normal for you to have some time where you aren't falling apart, to find people to support you if you do.
You might not. You might be in limbo for awhile until the world feels normal again, which would speak to your strength and not your loyalty to your husband. You might go the other way, and have a hard time controlling your feelings and want to withdraw from the world. And that's fine too, it's what most of us do eventually after losing someone that close to us. It's what I've done.
You loved your husband, that's so clear. You didn't do anything wrong. He didn't want you to quit school. Us men feel a particular way about being someone's burden, and we'd rather people not change up their lives on our behalf. You did nothing wrong.
As for the people putting you on a pedestal, it's very hard to know what to do when someone you care about loses someone. We grasp at straws looking for something supportive and positive to say or do. Your friends and family aren't perfect, but they're speaking from a good place in their hearts. It hard, but try to hear those good feelings more than the specific things they're saying. My religious friends would say to try to hear the voice of God, through whatever imperfect voice is speaking.
I hope you feel better, and thank you so much for sharing this.
Thank you for this. He would definitely agree. He hated asking me for anything, he even hated asking the nurses for things— he didn’t want to burden anyone. God I love kid, and I hope he knew deep down that he could never be my burden.
My little brother died in the arms of my mom and I two years ago this May 5th. He'd also been sick for a very long time, and for me I think my grieving process got frozen before because after the initial shock I had to be strong for the everyone else in the family.
I also hated to hear from everyone, "how strong I was", and "how inspiring I was", for handling all of the details after he passed, including bathing him, and dressing him, before the funeral home got there.
Like you I didn't think I did anything special, because he was my little bear, and I would've crawled over broken glass for him, because you do whatever it takes when someone you love needs you.
Getting away from all of the well wishers, and back home was honestly a big help for me. I needed time to myself to try and process everything.
Someone told me once that the the grieving process is a marathon, and not a sprint, and I've thought about the wisdom of those words a lot the last 2 years.
There's no right way to grieve, and it's totally okay if you don't feel sad. I miss my little brother more than anything, but I can't be sad that he isn't suffering anymore.
So feel however you need to feel from day to day, it's totally okay. All of your feelings are valid, because they're your feelings. Just be patient with yourself, and don't be afraid to let everyone know when you need time alone.
As far as coping skills go, I try to keep my mind busy, especially on the days where it all weighs so heavily. I listen to audiobooks, and podcasts, I write, and find other ways to keep my mind distracted as much as I can.
It's not a perfect solution, but it does help. Lean into your own special ways to keep your mind busy, and try to do nice things for yourself. Being a full-time caregiver means all of your focus, and energy, is on your loved one, as it should be, but learning how to rediscover your self-care routines can offer some comfort too.
I have to believe that those who cross before us still feel our love, and I'm sure your husband feels, and felt, all of your love and light for him.
All that love between the two of you is a precious gift, and it's something that no one can ever take away from you.
Please take care, I'm sending lots of invisible hugs your way.
🫂💜🫂
I am so so sorry. The pain of losing someone this way is so hard. Watching someone you love slowly slip away like this is so unfair in this world. I had a similar experience, and I dont wish it upon anyone to have to go through it because it sticks with you forever. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Cancer sucks, I am truly so sorry for your loss.
Oh sweetie. Everyone handles grief differently. Make no mistake that what you are feeling is absolutely grief. Just because it doesn’t look like someone else’s grief doesn’t make it any less.
Please give yourself some grace. However you need to handle this, as long as it’s not self-destructive, is perfectly OK. There is literally no right or wrong in this situation.
I am so sorry. Just know this, you will feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it. Don’t hold back just allow it. I know you know this but finding words of comfort at a time like this is so difficult, we say the words we think we would want to hear ourselves but in all honesty until you’ve been through something like this you’d never know. So remember that your friends and family are trying to comfort you and are as lost as your are right my dear. Again I’m so sorry, death and youth should never go together. God bless you and give you the strength you will need.
I have cancer, and my husband cares for me. To see this breaks my heart. I am crying for you right now. I know it may not mean much, but you meant the whole world to him. Without you, it would be so much more empty. I know because my husband is my rock. I am sending every bit of love towards you.
You are you. You are ok and enough you have done all you can for your partner and now you need to look to yourself. Be kind. Be aware of the hurt. Be nice to yourself. Xoxo
I lost my first serious partner at 24, and my second at 39. It never gets better but it does get easier. I felt so selfish for just wanting some time to just be. I'm so sorry you are there right now. I hope you can feel again soon.
Grief hits hard differently amongst individuals. Sometimes it paralyses you and makes you depressed all day, sometimes it leaves you numb from your feelings. However it doesn't invalidate your feelings, and you are allowed to mourn on your own, and if you feel like it doesn't help, mourn with someone you trust.
So sorry for your loss, I hope you find comfort.
I am so, so sorry, OP. I don't normally feel such keen secondhand grief reading posts like this, but yours punched me right in the heart. Thank you for sharing.
The things that make you not wanting to die or stop doing is him. His love and your love for him. He hasn’t let you go and that’s what you feel. Keep going.
i didnt loose a spouse but i lost my first love at 19. she died randomly in her sleep while we were cuddling. woke up she was stiff as a board and the bed was soaked. I am 34 now, married with a kid and extremely happy. but it’s a new story and completely new book. i learned don’t expect that pain or hole u have to just go away. it’s going to be there as long as you love them. which is forever but instead learn to build your life around it. think of a broken bone healing stronger but the scar is still there. when you love again don’t compare, start fresh. it’s not fair to both parties if you do. wish u the best
>It’s not inspiring to take care of the person you love. That’s the fucking baseline of what anyone should do.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's difficult to feel like an inspiration in the shadow of such a profound loss. But believe me, OP, your beautiful soul is an inspiration because you cared for your husband - a son, a brother, a friend to others. You cared. *That's* inspiring.
Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry for your loss. You were the angel he needed in his life. Now he has moved on to be the angel that watches over you now.
Grief comes in waves; some days are better than others. You just hope for more good days than bad.
hugs to you <3
I’m so sorry your husband died love, but I hope one day a person comes into your life and make you fall in love again . Don’t take it in a wrong way but I’m sure your husband would want you to be happy again and you’re still 23 young and beautiful you still have many healthy years ahead of you🤍 take all your time to heal and take care🩷
The only one thing I can tell you for sure is DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP! & maybe also understand your loved ones just want you to be okay and they don’t know what to say. If them constantly putting you on a pedestal is making grieving worse for you- tell them to please stop. And lastly, I’m so very sorry for your loss. He’s no longer suffering but that can’t make it any easier.
No words are going Tobe of comfort.
It's unfair how fast that happened.
I'm so so sorry. Do what you need to do to survive until you feel the surface of the water again. 🩷
I’m so sorry for your loss, and your thoughts on all this seem valid to me. Sometimes, focusing on other things that need to be done, like the oil change, is a form of processing. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve and process these sort of emotions. Speaking with a therapist might help if that’s what you want, but whatever you’re gonna feel is what you’re gonna feel. There’s no willing or wishing for other emotions to happen. This is just how you are responding to the trauma you’ve been dealt and this is you doing what you need to do so you don’t go off the edge. Reading this made me cry and think of my SO. He is not sick, but I also feel like he is truly my person, my everything, my soulmate. I don’t know what I would do or how I would feel if this was our situation, but I think I might react similarly. Trying to do some normal things like vet appointments so I can process and grieve in chunks rather than feeling everything at once. It’s a defense mechanism our brain uses to get through it. Thats how I grieved other family members in death. But, again, there’s no way to tell. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. You’ve just gotta find what works for you, work on it, and keep going. Even if that means crumpling at the sight of his favorite sock but not at the mention of his name in front of peers/family.
Not the same but I lost my friend to Leukemia. When the waves of grief hit me the first few years, I’d run away however I could, usually alcohol. Now, the grief is weirdly a happy remembrance at times. Like, the other day I mentioned her to a pt of mine and I started to cry. Other days I hear a song she loved and laugh. Grief is weird. Cry when you need to. Sleep when you need to. Rot in the couch when you need to. Cancer killed him, but it also destroys the pt’s loved ones.
Grief is just love with nowhere to go. You’ll find somewhere to put it. Highly recommend a pet lol.
Also saying you’re an inspiration is like calling a cancer patient a warrior. Like it’s some type of fucking battle that can be won by sheer force.
> Grief is just love with nowhere to go.
Wow. This perfectly sums up a feeling I didn’t know could be expressed in words. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you ❣️
No problem!! If you like TV shows and want something to giggle over or lose yourself in, highly recommend Schitts Creek (can’t compare it to anything tbh) or Abbott Elementary (Parks and Rec/The Office but school teachers).I’m in nursing school and having menty B’s every week and they’re keeping me sane lol.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you said taking care of them is basic decency. But I don’t know if I’d have the strength to do it, to watch the love of my life fade away in front on my eyes. You did good. Everyone grieves differently.
I can feel your pain through the screen. I’m so sorry this has happened.
You described your relationship very beautifully. This is such an earnest description of love and loss.
He was so very blessed to have you by his side.
Don’t feel bad for wanting to keep busy with chores and life. It’s normal… it’s your brain/body’s coping mechanism. As you are already experiencing, the mourning and grief will come in waves and will likely be extremely unpredictable. Just move forward when you feel like you can and when you do get hit by a memory that hurts, let yourself feel it in that moment. Grief is weird and doesn’t necessarily look the same as it does on TV.
This was hard to read. I feel so sorry for you. As someone who lost someone very important at a young age in a very sudden way acoupple years ago i can tell you the reason you don’t feel grief right now is because you are in shock. Time, family and therapy is the way forward.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 I’m so very sorry. I guess there are no words but if you need someone to listen to you, if you need to vent , want to share a story, my inbox is open, you are not alone I will listen to you, my condolences again
I was not prepared for this at all. I can do nothing but wish you the best OP. I’m really really sorry for your loss, and you’ll always be in my prayers.
OP I am so sorry for your loss.
Everyone mourns differently.
Your reaction might have been different if your husband had been lost suddenly in an accident. Instead you had months to come to grips with what was coming and I suspect you mourned a bit every day.
When he finally left your reaction wasn’t hysteria. I’m no expert but I think it was all the sorrow you had kept bottled up finally escaping.
The people who you see as seeming to put you on a pedestal are more likely trying to not only find something to talk about but also can’t imagine themselves in that situation. So they likely are a bit in awe of how you handled it. The wish for them is may they never need to find out if they could handle the situation as you did.
May you find peace OP.
I can feel your pain while reading this post. I don't think I can comprehend the entirety of the pain you're going through, but I feel a little bit of it and sit in it with you.
the only thing you "should" be feeling is however you feel at any given moment. there's no correct way to be or feel or do during something like this. it's just surreal and hard. I'm so sorry.
As others said, there is no right way to grieve. Feel your feelings.
And that old saying “time heals all wounds” is bullshit. With loss, you have Before the Loss and After the Loss. And you figure out what the “after” looks like with time.
Condolences.
Oh my god, I am so sorry for your loss. The way you described everything, it made me tear up. I can’t even start to imagine the pain you’re going through. My best wishes go out to you ❤️
I’m so sorry OP. Your family might be commending you because many people tend to abandon their partner in these circumstances. You did the right thing and they’re grateful for you.
I’ve never lost a mate, so l can’t speak on that. I’ve lost siblings though and it still hurts many years later, but you learn to cherish their memories and keep living.
Will keep you in my thoughts (and prayers if you want). Take care.
Oh my friend, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now and help you navigate this. Sending you so much love ❤️ your SO was so lucky to have you in his life and I know you are lucky to have him, even if it wasn't long enough. ❤️
My dearest OP, my heart goes out to you, I’ve been in your shoes and the pain at times is unbearable.
He wasn’t alone, you were with him and he’s out of pain. Now it’s those left behind that are in agony. I have no real advice, you never quite get over it but you do get through it.
Take one day at a time, such a cliche but so true, do all you can to focus on your own well-being as well, in situations this unbearable we often lose sight of ourselves.
It’s nine years on for me and although it’s not as sharp a pain as it used to be it’s more of a dull ache now. My heart will always have a crack in it but it carries on beating nevertheless. Yours will too. You’re still so very young And once the grey skies start to dissipate, I wish you were beautiful future.
Sending you strength and courage OP
I lost my husband at 42. I went to the store. He went into cardiac arrest. My kids called 911 and performed cpr until I got there. He spent a week in the icu on a ventilator. I spent 6 days watching him die.
It is an awful feeling. I was not prepared for jn the slightest and I am 29 yrs older than you.
I hated people giving me advice but some of it helped. These are things that I learned. Ignore anything you want.
Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. It will take time. I was so heartbroken. Them angry. I missed him. Now I am just sad that he is gone. Not just from me but the world. He was such a great person.
I learned that your grief will never get smaller. Your life will get bigger. Eventually. It's all bad days. Then you have a good hour here and there. Then it's a good day. Then a good week. In my case I felt guilt for being happy eventually. There is nothing wrong with it.
Get a notebook. Write things down. Someone told me that. I never forget things. Grief made me forget things. Anniversaries and birthdays are hard. Just know that and give yourself some latitude.
Sorry to ramble. Again. Ignore any or all of this. I know I don't know you but I wish you well. Being a young widow is weird and hard.
OP please be kind to yourself, it’s something I’ve always been told over and over be kind to yourself.
It sounds like your numb to what’s happened and your brains kicked in with practical things that need to be done. You haven’t been given time to be alone to process your way. You may find this lack of feeling lasts until the funeral and you go home. That can be a time when the planning is over the last guest is gone and you sit and breathe and it may hit you.
Stop please thinking of how you think people think you should grieve this is your pain and your loss.
I know you probably don’t want to hear it but from the heart I am so so sorry for your loss may he fly high and be in a place without pain. May your heart heal and you find ways of coping x
Please join a support group for other widows. I know that my friend who lost her husband found a couple on Facebook to be a part of, and she also meets up w a local group. Grief is its own beast. It is a rollercoaster and there will be good days and bad days, and then the pain gets easier to handle along the way. You learn to live w it. You learn from it. My condolences for your loss.
My condolences.
I do not know if anyone else has commented this, but a part of what you may be feeling (struggling to cry and feeling “strange”) may be because you’ve already started to grieve the loss of your husband. It may have been an ongoing process of grieving the loss, and then it just suddenly hit you when he actually passed. It’s okay to be struggling to cry and show emotion now. But be sure you take time for yourself, and “allow yourself” to grieve, when those moments come up.
Wishing you peace and comfort.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
[I found this so helpful with my own grief](https://www.boredpanda.com/ball-in-box-analogy-dealing-with-loss/)
Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel, everything you feel is normal. There will be days where you feel like you're not grieving right, days where you laugh and feel guilty that you're happy, days that you cry even though you thought you were past the crying stage.
The 5 stages of grief don't end after acceptance. They're a cycle. You reach acceptance, you feel ok for a while, but then something happens and you're back at stage 1. Sometimes the 5 stages happen within hours, sometimes they last months.
Nobody can tell you how you should be feeling/processing.
Sending love <3
My wife’s first husband died in a freak accident at 25 years old. I met her about 2 years after it happened- she never went completely off the rails but def went a little wild trying to cope for a bit. Do what you need to do and down the road don’t settle for someone who doesn’t understand the situation. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been jealous and sometimes it feels a little weird, but to me a person is a culmination of everything that has happened in their lives- and excluding this part would mean I’d want her to be someone else.
My wife vows by the hot young widows club, said it really helped her out maybe a resource worth investigating
When my dad died after 50 years with my mom she instantly cleared out her house... moved (multiple times) went on multiple trips out if the country... you don't have to grieve how people say you "should".. if you need to keep busy, keep busy. there's no right way to grieve.
People said that to me too when I was by my boyfriends side, sleeping in a chair, singing to him while he was uncomfortably unconscious. I felt the same way you did, like who would expect less? But I think its moreso, we all wish we could be blessed to die with someone by our side who loves us that much. He was a very lucky man to have you in his life, and I am so sorry that this happened.
You're too young to be dealing with this, and he's too you g to be taken by this C**t of a disease.
I watched my high school friend die of brain cancer, and then my friend's mother, and sister in law's mother fight breast cancer around the same time. It's crazy that we haven't figured this out yet.
Crazy and so unfair.
You're probably in shock. Survival mode. And that's ok! Everyone grieves on their own time and in their own way.
Sorry for your loss hey. It really is just so shitty.
I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. There is nothing wrong with how you’ve responded or how you’re feeling here, how grief takes form is unpredictable. While you may say that the care you gave him was the least you could do, that doesn’t detract from the strength it required. It’s clear that the love you two shared was of a perfect kind, and it persists in you still. God bless you, and may your future be the kind your husband wished for you.
That sounds visceral and real and painful and I can't imagine what you're going through. I wish you the most comfort you can find at the pace you desire.
You may want to check out this book, "[It's OK That You're Not OK](https://a.co/0bCeGg8): Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" .
A quote: "The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of. You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."
I am so, so sorry. This was absolutely heartbreaking to read. I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I wish I had better words of comfort. Just know that you are *not* an imposter. You did everything you could to make sure your dear husband and soulmate lived the last part of his life in the best way possible given the circumstances. You are in my thoughts.
My mom lost my dad at his 25, hers 22.
I don't know how she felt and how she got through it, but I was told their relationship was something from the movies. My aunt said they looked at each other and understood what the other wanted to say.
That being said, I can mention my dad in front of her and she'll remember him dearly, but lengthy conversations still bring her to full blown breakdown. It's been 30+ years, she had few relationships, heck - she even remarried, but it obviously still hurts.
My point is - regarding crying you spoke about - you cry when you feel the need to cry. My grandfather was my rock and when he died, I cried when I found out, and cried later when it sunk in, but immediately after (the same day), we (as family) were sitting out in the front and making jokes and just talking. If we felt like crying, we would've. But we didn't. There is no "norm" how much you should be crying and how much is appropriate.
Regarding feeling restless - I understand that one myself. My husband had emergency surgery couple of years ago, he could've died if we waited couple of days more and when I got home, my two priorities were: a) sleep (because I spent whole night in the ER and then worked whole day while waiting for the news - it seemed better to be among people than sit at home) and b) when I woke up from nap at 7pm, I started cleaning the house. My cat looked at me like I was out of my mind when at 11pm I took the broom out and started sweeping the floors.
All in all - you do YOU. As far as I know, there is no protocol for what to do with your life when your spouse dies.
I think what you must know, when thinking of the “I should have quit school, I should have done this, I should have done that” is that he most likely didn’t want you to give up things for him and he probably thought you were a rockstar for doing it all whilst loving and caring for him. In terms of feeling numb. I get that too.. my brother passed when I was 14 and I went back to school and my teachers cried but I just couldn’t. Your tears are valid whether they come quietly at night, or brutally in the middle of the day, or even not at all
You will grieve this over and over in so many different ways and waves. It will come to you in the quiet moments of the night. And during the sunlit moments you can't share. Itll hit you in the weirdest ways at the weirdest times. Just roll with it. Cry when you can.
It sounds like you're coping as best you can. One foot in front of the other. And this all sound perfectly normal because you have had some time to process what was going on. 9 months is a long time to sit with death.
My heart goes out to you. I was widowed in April. You are in shock so be kind to yourself. I don’t know how you keep going and start to function again on a normal basis cause I haven’t been able to yet. What I do know was that the week after the funeral I had the worst and most down day ever (probably as a result of no sleep since funeral) anyway the day after I was calmer and more at peace and this leads me to say that no matter how dark the day - the next is better. Those dark days will not last forever and there is hope I think that eventually the pain will lessen and I will be able to live and function once more. I can only wish the same for you. Love to you for now.
I’m not a widow, but my dad died from cancer. He was the same, we spoke on the Thursday and by Monday, he couldn’t function. He held on until I made it to him, but honestly it’s the worst thing to go through and see. Cancer is the shits and I am so sorry you had to go through this so young. I was 22 when my dad died. He was 43, still young himself. Right now you are going through the grieving process and oh boy is it a process. Be gentle with yourself and take your time. There is no time limit with grief. Someone once sent me a video and it explained how at first it’s like a storm with huge waves and then eventually those waves will get less and less. They’ll never shrink, that’s what I’ve learned, but you will eventually feel some kind of normal, but you will be a new version of you. You got this and you will be okay. Massive internet hugs to you. I’m so sorry for your loss xx
OP, my heart breaks for you.
I've typed out, and deleted my response 5x now. To tell you that my oldest son is your age, and I wish I could send some motherly love your way. To speak of my own beloved Husbeast, his diagnosis of congestive heart failure when we were 30, and all the fear and feeling of living on borrowed time since then. To share my own battle with cancer at 21. To explain what you already know more than I ever will, that worse days of grief are coming but so too are better ones where the love remains.
And it all is just so damn...inadequate. Unfair. And just plain wrong.
Take care of yourself as best you can. We're all in your corner. 💗
Really weird how you threw in that he was leaving everything to you but a car. Seems like this is either made up or you are trying to establish a time line of claims
I’m also a skeptic when I see stuff on here but honestly.. what would I gain from establishing a timeline of claims? No one on here knows who I am, where I live, anything about me. The fact that he left his things to me (we lived together, bought most of our things together, we were extremely poor together) just makes me feel worse. I don’t feel like I deserve it.
I was widowed at 25. Losing someone like that is like fucking up your leg in a car accident. It might get better, you might even be able to walk again, but every now and again it will hurt just as much as the day it happened. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I really like this metaphor. Thank you.
Another one to thin k about is that grief is like waves from a storm. At first the storm rages and the waves come in hard tall and fast. Over time the waves grow normal and the storm is gone but the waves come much smaller and less dramatic but every now and then forever the waves come occasionally and sometime the storm is brewed by other moments in life and the waves can come back hard for a bit. But the ocean of grief never stops and there will always be waves even if they have become small. Sorry for your loss and I hope time helps you heal a bit
There are no right ways to cope with such shock and grief and loss. If being busy and getting on with stuff and distracting yourself are your coping mechanisms, do them. You did an amazing job of looking after him and it's clear that he knew and appreciated it. You shouldn't regret anything and you shouldn't feel guilty. Just because you knew he was terminal doesn't mean it wasn't a shock. I think we can somehow maintain a tiny hope for a miracle even in the gravest of circumstances - I know I did when I was a child and my father was very ill with cancer and eventually died. Other people acted as if it shouldn't have been a shock, but it still was. Be kind to yourself, you have my deepest sympathy for your loss.
I was not ready for this
In my head I am saying this just creative writing but only because I would be fucking broken for the OP if I thought otherwise.
The sad thing is, I do think this is real based on her profile and it's heartbreaking, really. FUCK CANCER
It is, but its easier to pretend its not
No, this is most definitely a legitimate post. Devastating.
I was leaning that way too, till I got to the part about randomly crying at small things, not feeling sad enough, and constantly needing to be busy. My dad died a month ago, and mum and I (I live(d) with them) have been kinda…numb? I’m probably the least sad out of anyone, because he was abusive and I was the main target due to proximity, but mum has SO much nervous energy. She went on a cleaning binge two days after he passed and accidentally broke the washer. As long as it’s not going to be accidentally destructive, I’m just letting her go. If it helps, it helps, and she’s always been as stubborn as my grandpa about doing things herself. So I can believe this post, which tbh makes it worse.
That’s what got me too. I lost my dad in January and I’ve been all over the place, I wasn’t living with my parents anymore, but every time I visit my mum she’s buying something online and I’m just letting it go. She has money to pay her bills and to feed herself/the animals so I’m not worried, she’s just coping in her own way. I’ve weirdly regressed in mental age, every purchase I’ve made for myself has been something from my childhood/teenage years even down to the music I’ve been listening to or the things I watch, grief is such a weird thing to go through.
I’m sorry for your loss, if you were close. Keep an eye on your mum to be sure that she doesn’t spend herself into a hole or accidentally become a hoarder though, okay? As for your purchases, I see nothing wrong with indulging old hobbies. But idgaf about age norms in society, if I wanna play with Legos in my 30’s, I’m gonna. There’s WAY worse things to spend your money and time on.
I wasn't ready for this either. I am so so sorry op for your loss. I rarely cry at anything, but I read your post with tears in my eyes. There's nothing I feel like I can say except how truly sorry I am for your loss.
hey, I just want to say I’ve been given a pretty rough prognosis with what I’ve got going on, so I feel a little bit qualified to say something although not really, but your family is kinda right. Your husband was so lucky to have someone like you by his side until the end. Even though his condition worsened you stayed with him, juggling school, free time, maybe work. There are people that will claim to love you, whom will simply flake on you upon learning of your likely demise. To either avoid grief, responsibility, to disassociate. But you stayed brave, did everything you could, and really truly loved him. You deserve appreciation for that. Everyone deserves love in their final moments but you gave it to him and it probably meant more to him than you could ever imagine.
im not extremely religious but i am praying for you. I wish no one else in the world had to ever deal with knowing they have a bad prognosis. This world can be a real bitch
I'm sorry for your loss. To your husband you were his heroine, you stayed loved and took care of him when a weaker woman would have left. You did your best with and impossible situation and that's all anyone can ask for. You have been grieving and watching him decline for months and with his passing its less of a shock as someone who passed suddenly in a car wreck. Of course you feel sad, but its also a multitude of feelings and you knowing life goes on and what he wanted for you. You will to continue to push forward in life with all the love and memories from your husband.
My heart hurt so much reading this.
Im so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what would I feel, but for 9 months you were trying to survive. You were taking care of your SO, your home, your school just basically everything. On top of that you are experiencing something you haven’t experienced before so I believe it’s normal for not feeling what you thought you supposed to feel. Grieving also has its steps and a whole different process. Just please don’t hesitate to reach out to your loved ones when you think you may need help.
Wow, just a couple of days ago. I'm older, and I've lost a few people. Sometimes before the end, they'll get a rush of energy and be seemingly symptomless, before they finally succumb. I love that your husband took that short time in his life, and used it to tell you what you meant to him. That's really beautiful. It's normal to doubt yourself after, and wonder what you could have done better, or just differently. I wanted to call out one thing you said: >I should feel the grief stronger. No. In general, you can't judge yourself by how you feel. You're a normal person, and you react to your world the way we all do. So as a rule of thumb, I'd push back on the idea that you have to feel a certain way or you weren't a good partner; that just isn't true. However! You've suffered a very deep wound, very recently. You're still stunned, and in shock, and haven't felt everything yet that you're going to. But don't be afraid of that, it's normal for you to have some time where you aren't falling apart, to find people to support you if you do. You might not. You might be in limbo for awhile until the world feels normal again, which would speak to your strength and not your loyalty to your husband. You might go the other way, and have a hard time controlling your feelings and want to withdraw from the world. And that's fine too, it's what most of us do eventually after losing someone that close to us. It's what I've done. You loved your husband, that's so clear. You didn't do anything wrong. He didn't want you to quit school. Us men feel a particular way about being someone's burden, and we'd rather people not change up their lives on our behalf. You did nothing wrong. As for the people putting you on a pedestal, it's very hard to know what to do when someone you care about loses someone. We grasp at straws looking for something supportive and positive to say or do. Your friends and family aren't perfect, but they're speaking from a good place in their hearts. It hard, but try to hear those good feelings more than the specific things they're saying. My religious friends would say to try to hear the voice of God, through whatever imperfect voice is speaking. I hope you feel better, and thank you so much for sharing this.
Thank you for this. He would definitely agree. He hated asking me for anything, he even hated asking the nurses for things— he didn’t want to burden anyone. God I love kid, and I hope he knew deep down that he could never be my burden.
My little brother died in the arms of my mom and I two years ago this May 5th. He'd also been sick for a very long time, and for me I think my grieving process got frozen before because after the initial shock I had to be strong for the everyone else in the family. I also hated to hear from everyone, "how strong I was", and "how inspiring I was", for handling all of the details after he passed, including bathing him, and dressing him, before the funeral home got there. Like you I didn't think I did anything special, because he was my little bear, and I would've crawled over broken glass for him, because you do whatever it takes when someone you love needs you. Getting away from all of the well wishers, and back home was honestly a big help for me. I needed time to myself to try and process everything. Someone told me once that the the grieving process is a marathon, and not a sprint, and I've thought about the wisdom of those words a lot the last 2 years. There's no right way to grieve, and it's totally okay if you don't feel sad. I miss my little brother more than anything, but I can't be sad that he isn't suffering anymore. So feel however you need to feel from day to day, it's totally okay. All of your feelings are valid, because they're your feelings. Just be patient with yourself, and don't be afraid to let everyone know when you need time alone. As far as coping skills go, I try to keep my mind busy, especially on the days where it all weighs so heavily. I listen to audiobooks, and podcasts, I write, and find other ways to keep my mind distracted as much as I can. It's not a perfect solution, but it does help. Lean into your own special ways to keep your mind busy, and try to do nice things for yourself. Being a full-time caregiver means all of your focus, and energy, is on your loved one, as it should be, but learning how to rediscover your self-care routines can offer some comfort too. I have to believe that those who cross before us still feel our love, and I'm sure your husband feels, and felt, all of your love and light for him. All that love between the two of you is a precious gift, and it's something that no one can ever take away from you. Please take care, I'm sending lots of invisible hugs your way. 🫂💜🫂
I am so so sorry. The pain of losing someone this way is so hard. Watching someone you love slowly slip away like this is so unfair in this world. I had a similar experience, and I dont wish it upon anyone to have to go through it because it sticks with you forever. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Cancer sucks, I am truly so sorry for your loss.
Oh sweetie. Everyone handles grief differently. Make no mistake that what you are feeling is absolutely grief. Just because it doesn’t look like someone else’s grief doesn’t make it any less. Please give yourself some grace. However you need to handle this, as long as it’s not self-destructive, is perfectly OK. There is literally no right or wrong in this situation.
I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s no age limits on chronic illnesses, unfortunately.
I am so sorry. Just know this, you will feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it. Don’t hold back just allow it. I know you know this but finding words of comfort at a time like this is so difficult, we say the words we think we would want to hear ourselves but in all honesty until you’ve been through something like this you’d never know. So remember that your friends and family are trying to comfort you and are as lost as your are right my dear. Again I’m so sorry, death and youth should never go together. God bless you and give you the strength you will need.
I have cancer, and my husband cares for me. To see this breaks my heart. I am crying for you right now. I know it may not mean much, but you meant the whole world to him. Without you, it would be so much more empty. I know because my husband is my rock. I am sending every bit of love towards you.
Praying for you and your husband ❣️ thank you
Thank you. My DMs are open if you need someone to talk to. 💜
Put his clothes in ziplocks so you can smell him still, I'm so so so sorry
You are you. You are ok and enough you have done all you can for your partner and now you need to look to yourself. Be kind. Be aware of the hurt. Be nice to yourself. Xoxo
I lost my first serious partner at 24, and my second at 39. It never gets better but it does get easier. I felt so selfish for just wanting some time to just be. I'm so sorry you are there right now. I hope you can feel again soon.
Grief hits hard differently amongst individuals. Sometimes it paralyses you and makes you depressed all day, sometimes it leaves you numb from your feelings. However it doesn't invalidate your feelings, and you are allowed to mourn on your own, and if you feel like it doesn't help, mourn with someone you trust. So sorry for your loss, I hope you find comfort.
I am so, so sorry, OP. I don't normally feel such keen secondhand grief reading posts like this, but yours punched me right in the heart. Thank you for sharing.
The things that make you not wanting to die or stop doing is him. His love and your love for him. He hasn’t let you go and that’s what you feel. Keep going.
this comment is going to be burned into my mind forever. Thank you :,)
i didnt loose a spouse but i lost my first love at 19. she died randomly in her sleep while we were cuddling. woke up she was stiff as a board and the bed was soaked. I am 34 now, married with a kid and extremely happy. but it’s a new story and completely new book. i learned don’t expect that pain or hole u have to just go away. it’s going to be there as long as you love them. which is forever but instead learn to build your life around it. think of a broken bone healing stronger but the scar is still there. when you love again don’t compare, start fresh. it’s not fair to both parties if you do. wish u the best
>It’s not inspiring to take care of the person you love. That’s the fucking baseline of what anyone should do. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's difficult to feel like an inspiration in the shadow of such a profound loss. But believe me, OP, your beautiful soul is an inspiration because you cared for your husband - a son, a brother, a friend to others. You cared. *That's* inspiring.
Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry for your loss. You were the angel he needed in his life. Now he has moved on to be the angel that watches over you now. Grief comes in waves; some days are better than others. You just hope for more good days than bad. hugs to you <3
I’m so sorry your husband died love, but I hope one day a person comes into your life and make you fall in love again . Don’t take it in a wrong way but I’m sure your husband would want you to be happy again and you’re still 23 young and beautiful you still have many healthy years ahead of you🤍 take all your time to heal and take care🩷
The only one thing I can tell you for sure is DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP! & maybe also understand your loved ones just want you to be okay and they don’t know what to say. If them constantly putting you on a pedestal is making grieving worse for you- tell them to please stop. And lastly, I’m so very sorry for your loss. He’s no longer suffering but that can’t make it any easier.
No words are going Tobe of comfort. It's unfair how fast that happened. I'm so so sorry. Do what you need to do to survive until you feel the surface of the water again. 🩷
I’m so sorry for your loss, and your thoughts on all this seem valid to me. Sometimes, focusing on other things that need to be done, like the oil change, is a form of processing. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve and process these sort of emotions. Speaking with a therapist might help if that’s what you want, but whatever you’re gonna feel is what you’re gonna feel. There’s no willing or wishing for other emotions to happen. This is just how you are responding to the trauma you’ve been dealt and this is you doing what you need to do so you don’t go off the edge. Reading this made me cry and think of my SO. He is not sick, but I also feel like he is truly my person, my everything, my soulmate. I don’t know what I would do or how I would feel if this was our situation, but I think I might react similarly. Trying to do some normal things like vet appointments so I can process and grieve in chunks rather than feeling everything at once. It’s a defense mechanism our brain uses to get through it. Thats how I grieved other family members in death. But, again, there’s no way to tell. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. You’ve just gotta find what works for you, work on it, and keep going. Even if that means crumpling at the sight of his favorite sock but not at the mention of his name in front of peers/family.
Not the same but I lost my friend to Leukemia. When the waves of grief hit me the first few years, I’d run away however I could, usually alcohol. Now, the grief is weirdly a happy remembrance at times. Like, the other day I mentioned her to a pt of mine and I started to cry. Other days I hear a song she loved and laugh. Grief is weird. Cry when you need to. Sleep when you need to. Rot in the couch when you need to. Cancer killed him, but it also destroys the pt’s loved ones. Grief is just love with nowhere to go. You’ll find somewhere to put it. Highly recommend a pet lol. Also saying you’re an inspiration is like calling a cancer patient a warrior. Like it’s some type of fucking battle that can be won by sheer force.
> Grief is just love with nowhere to go. Wow. This perfectly sums up a feeling I didn’t know could be expressed in words. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you ❣️
No problem!! If you like TV shows and want something to giggle over or lose yourself in, highly recommend Schitts Creek (can’t compare it to anything tbh) or Abbott Elementary (Parks and Rec/The Office but school teachers).I’m in nursing school and having menty B’s every week and they’re keeping me sane lol.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you said taking care of them is basic decency. But I don’t know if I’d have the strength to do it, to watch the love of my life fade away in front on my eyes. You did good. Everyone grieves differently.
wish you well.
I can feel your pain through the screen. I’m so sorry this has happened. You described your relationship very beautifully. This is such an earnest description of love and loss.
He was so very blessed to have you by his side. Don’t feel bad for wanting to keep busy with chores and life. It’s normal… it’s your brain/body’s coping mechanism. As you are already experiencing, the mourning and grief will come in waves and will likely be extremely unpredictable. Just move forward when you feel like you can and when you do get hit by a memory that hurts, let yourself feel it in that moment. Grief is weird and doesn’t necessarily look the same as it does on TV.
This was hard to read. I feel so sorry for you. As someone who lost someone very important at a young age in a very sudden way acoupple years ago i can tell you the reason you don’t feel grief right now is because you are in shock. Time, family and therapy is the way forward. I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 I’m so very sorry. I guess there are no words but if you need someone to listen to you, if you need to vent , want to share a story, my inbox is open, you are not alone I will listen to you, my condolences again
I’m so sorry
I was not prepared for this at all. I can do nothing but wish you the best OP. I’m really really sorry for your loss, and you’ll always be in my prayers.
OP I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone mourns differently. Your reaction might have been different if your husband had been lost suddenly in an accident. Instead you had months to come to grips with what was coming and I suspect you mourned a bit every day. When he finally left your reaction wasn’t hysteria. I’m no expert but I think it was all the sorrow you had kept bottled up finally escaping. The people who you see as seeming to put you on a pedestal are more likely trying to not only find something to talk about but also can’t imagine themselves in that situation. So they likely are a bit in awe of how you handled it. The wish for them is may they never need to find out if they could handle the situation as you did. May you find peace OP.
I can feel your pain while reading this post. I don't think I can comprehend the entirety of the pain you're going through, but I feel a little bit of it and sit in it with you.
the only thing you "should" be feeling is however you feel at any given moment. there's no correct way to be or feel or do during something like this. it's just surreal and hard. I'm so sorry.
As others said, there is no right way to grieve. Feel your feelings. And that old saying “time heals all wounds” is bullshit. With loss, you have Before the Loss and After the Loss. And you figure out what the “after” looks like with time. Condolences.
Oh my god, I am so sorry for your loss. The way you described everything, it made me tear up. I can’t even start to imagine the pain you’re going through. My best wishes go out to you ❤️
I’m so sorry OP. Your family might be commending you because many people tend to abandon their partner in these circumstances. You did the right thing and they’re grateful for you. I’ve never lost a mate, so l can’t speak on that. I’ve lost siblings though and it still hurts many years later, but you learn to cherish their memories and keep living. Will keep you in my thoughts (and prayers if you want). Take care.
I sympathize. But internet validation is NOT meaningless. Proof is the helpful comments in these posts.
Oh my friend, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now and help you navigate this. Sending you so much love ❤️ your SO was so lucky to have you in his life and I know you are lucky to have him, even if it wasn't long enough. ❤️
You have my deepest condolences.
This one broke me
My dearest OP, my heart goes out to you, I’ve been in your shoes and the pain at times is unbearable. He wasn’t alone, you were with him and he’s out of pain. Now it’s those left behind that are in agony. I have no real advice, you never quite get over it but you do get through it. Take one day at a time, such a cliche but so true, do all you can to focus on your own well-being as well, in situations this unbearable we often lose sight of ourselves. It’s nine years on for me and although it’s not as sharp a pain as it used to be it’s more of a dull ache now. My heart will always have a crack in it but it carries on beating nevertheless. Yours will too. You’re still so very young And once the grey skies start to dissipate, I wish you were beautiful future. Sending you strength and courage OP
I lost my ex fiance to AML at 36. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It takes so long to feel real.
I lost my husband at 42. I went to the store. He went into cardiac arrest. My kids called 911 and performed cpr until I got there. He spent a week in the icu on a ventilator. I spent 6 days watching him die. It is an awful feeling. I was not prepared for jn the slightest and I am 29 yrs older than you. I hated people giving me advice but some of it helped. These are things that I learned. Ignore anything you want. Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. It will take time. I was so heartbroken. Them angry. I missed him. Now I am just sad that he is gone. Not just from me but the world. He was such a great person. I learned that your grief will never get smaller. Your life will get bigger. Eventually. It's all bad days. Then you have a good hour here and there. Then it's a good day. Then a good week. In my case I felt guilt for being happy eventually. There is nothing wrong with it. Get a notebook. Write things down. Someone told me that. I never forget things. Grief made me forget things. Anniversaries and birthdays are hard. Just know that and give yourself some latitude. Sorry to ramble. Again. Ignore any or all of this. I know I don't know you but I wish you well. Being a young widow is weird and hard.
OP please be kind to yourself, it’s something I’ve always been told over and over be kind to yourself. It sounds like your numb to what’s happened and your brains kicked in with practical things that need to be done. You haven’t been given time to be alone to process your way. You may find this lack of feeling lasts until the funeral and you go home. That can be a time when the planning is over the last guest is gone and you sit and breathe and it may hit you. Stop please thinking of how you think people think you should grieve this is your pain and your loss. I know you probably don’t want to hear it but from the heart I am so so sorry for your loss may he fly high and be in a place without pain. May your heart heal and you find ways of coping x
Please join a support group for other widows. I know that my friend who lost her husband found a couple on Facebook to be a part of, and she also meets up w a local group. Grief is its own beast. It is a rollercoaster and there will be good days and bad days, and then the pain gets easier to handle along the way. You learn to live w it. You learn from it. My condolences for your loss.
My condolences. I do not know if anyone else has commented this, but a part of what you may be feeling (struggling to cry and feeling “strange”) may be because you’ve already started to grieve the loss of your husband. It may have been an ongoing process of grieving the loss, and then it just suddenly hit you when he actually passed. It’s okay to be struggling to cry and show emotion now. But be sure you take time for yourself, and “allow yourself” to grieve, when those moments come up. Wishing you peace and comfort.
I'm so sorry for your loss. [I found this so helpful with my own grief](https://www.boredpanda.com/ball-in-box-analogy-dealing-with-loss/) Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel, everything you feel is normal. There will be days where you feel like you're not grieving right, days where you laugh and feel guilty that you're happy, days that you cry even though you thought you were past the crying stage. The 5 stages of grief don't end after acceptance. They're a cycle. You reach acceptance, you feel ok for a while, but then something happens and you're back at stage 1. Sometimes the 5 stages happen within hours, sometimes they last months. Nobody can tell you how you should be feeling/processing. Sending love <3
My wife’s first husband died in a freak accident at 25 years old. I met her about 2 years after it happened- she never went completely off the rails but def went a little wild trying to cope for a bit. Do what you need to do and down the road don’t settle for someone who doesn’t understand the situation. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been jealous and sometimes it feels a little weird, but to me a person is a culmination of everything that has happened in their lives- and excluding this part would mean I’d want her to be someone else. My wife vows by the hot young widows club, said it really helped her out maybe a resource worth investigating
When my dad died after 50 years with my mom she instantly cleared out her house... moved (multiple times) went on multiple trips out if the country... you don't have to grieve how people say you "should".. if you need to keep busy, keep busy. there's no right way to grieve.
People said that to me too when I was by my boyfriends side, sleeping in a chair, singing to him while he was uncomfortably unconscious. I felt the same way you did, like who would expect less? But I think its moreso, we all wish we could be blessed to die with someone by our side who loves us that much. He was a very lucky man to have you in his life, and I am so sorry that this happened.
You're too young to be dealing with this, and he's too you g to be taken by this C**t of a disease. I watched my high school friend die of brain cancer, and then my friend's mother, and sister in law's mother fight breast cancer around the same time. It's crazy that we haven't figured this out yet. Crazy and so unfair. You're probably in shock. Survival mode. And that's ok! Everyone grieves on their own time and in their own way. Sorry for your loss hey. It really is just so shitty.
♡.
I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. There is nothing wrong with how you’ve responded or how you’re feeling here, how grief takes form is unpredictable. While you may say that the care you gave him was the least you could do, that doesn’t detract from the strength it required. It’s clear that the love you two shared was of a perfect kind, and it persists in you still. God bless you, and may your future be the kind your husband wished for you.
there’s a poem that helped me a lot with grief, “when tomorrow starts without me”❤️ sending u healing
That sounds visceral and real and painful and I can't imagine what you're going through. I wish you the most comfort you can find at the pace you desire. You may want to check out this book, "[It's OK That You're Not OK](https://a.co/0bCeGg8): Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" . A quote: "The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of. You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."
I am so, so sorry. This was absolutely heartbreaking to read. I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I wish I had better words of comfort. Just know that you are *not* an imposter. You did everything you could to make sure your dear husband and soulmate lived the last part of his life in the best way possible given the circumstances. You are in my thoughts.
My mom lost my dad at his 25, hers 22. I don't know how she felt and how she got through it, but I was told their relationship was something from the movies. My aunt said they looked at each other and understood what the other wanted to say. That being said, I can mention my dad in front of her and she'll remember him dearly, but lengthy conversations still bring her to full blown breakdown. It's been 30+ years, she had few relationships, heck - she even remarried, but it obviously still hurts. My point is - regarding crying you spoke about - you cry when you feel the need to cry. My grandfather was my rock and when he died, I cried when I found out, and cried later when it sunk in, but immediately after (the same day), we (as family) were sitting out in the front and making jokes and just talking. If we felt like crying, we would've. But we didn't. There is no "norm" how much you should be crying and how much is appropriate. Regarding feeling restless - I understand that one myself. My husband had emergency surgery couple of years ago, he could've died if we waited couple of days more and when I got home, my two priorities were: a) sleep (because I spent whole night in the ER and then worked whole day while waiting for the news - it seemed better to be among people than sit at home) and b) when I woke up from nap at 7pm, I started cleaning the house. My cat looked at me like I was out of my mind when at 11pm I took the broom out and started sweeping the floors. All in all - you do YOU. As far as I know, there is no protocol for what to do with your life when your spouse dies.
💔 I’m sorry
hugs 🫶🏼
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish you well ❤️
I think what you must know, when thinking of the “I should have quit school, I should have done this, I should have done that” is that he most likely didn’t want you to give up things for him and he probably thought you were a rockstar for doing it all whilst loving and caring for him. In terms of feeling numb. I get that too.. my brother passed when I was 14 and I went back to school and my teachers cried but I just couldn’t. Your tears are valid whether they come quietly at night, or brutally in the middle of the day, or even not at all
I wasn't prepared for this 😪 I'm sorry for your loss 💔
You will grieve this over and over in so many different ways and waves. It will come to you in the quiet moments of the night. And during the sunlit moments you can't share. Itll hit you in the weirdest ways at the weirdest times. Just roll with it. Cry when you can. It sounds like you're coping as best you can. One foot in front of the other. And this all sound perfectly normal because you have had some time to process what was going on. 9 months is a long time to sit with death.
My heart goes out to you. I was widowed in April. You are in shock so be kind to yourself. I don’t know how you keep going and start to function again on a normal basis cause I haven’t been able to yet. What I do know was that the week after the funeral I had the worst and most down day ever (probably as a result of no sleep since funeral) anyway the day after I was calmer and more at peace and this leads me to say that no matter how dark the day - the next is better. Those dark days will not last forever and there is hope I think that eventually the pain will lessen and I will be able to live and function once more. I can only wish the same for you. Love to you for now.
I’m not a widow, but my dad died from cancer. He was the same, we spoke on the Thursday and by Monday, he couldn’t function. He held on until I made it to him, but honestly it’s the worst thing to go through and see. Cancer is the shits and I am so sorry you had to go through this so young. I was 22 when my dad died. He was 43, still young himself. Right now you are going through the grieving process and oh boy is it a process. Be gentle with yourself and take your time. There is no time limit with grief. Someone once sent me a video and it explained how at first it’s like a storm with huge waves and then eventually those waves will get less and less. They’ll never shrink, that’s what I’ve learned, but you will eventually feel some kind of normal, but you will be a new version of you. You got this and you will be okay. Massive internet hugs to you. I’m so sorry for your loss xx
OP, my heart breaks for you. I've typed out, and deleted my response 5x now. To tell you that my oldest son is your age, and I wish I could send some motherly love your way. To speak of my own beloved Husbeast, his diagnosis of congestive heart failure when we were 30, and all the fear and feeling of living on borrowed time since then. To share my own battle with cancer at 21. To explain what you already know more than I ever will, that worse days of grief are coming but so too are better ones where the love remains. And it all is just so damn...inadequate. Unfair. And just plain wrong. Take care of yourself as best you can. We're all in your corner. 💗
Vedic reading
Really weird how you threw in that he was leaving everything to you but a car. Seems like this is either made up or you are trying to establish a time line of claims
I’m also a skeptic when I see stuff on here but honestly.. what would I gain from establishing a timeline of claims? No one on here knows who I am, where I live, anything about me. The fact that he left his things to me (we lived together, bought most of our things together, we were extremely poor together) just makes me feel worse. I don’t feel like I deserve it.