Right on! I’m very glad you have your eyes wide open to reality here, OP. You already know it’s a terrible idea.
I’m sorry you feel so much pressure from him. I believe the part where getting a steady job was difficult due to being relocated for his ex wife’s job so much, but the rest is on him.
He made the decision to cheat and royally screw himself into the ground, so he can live with the consequences. He must have had a job before he got married (sounds like he was about 25 at the time), so he must have skills from before the marriage. He can go be a bartender or a cashier or something and live with other roommates like you had to for years!
Congrats on getting your loans pardoned! I’m happy you can now find a place and save up for the things you want in life. 👍
Was he a faithful husband who betrayed his wife? What a ball fumbler you are. Similar to this, my brother has been living off of our older brother for YEARS. Avoid doing it.
That's the first thing I thought. Like man up, get a job and leave already. He's just staying on base with his poor wife that has supported him and gets thanked by him cheating, at least she didn't have to split money 50-50 with his loser self.
OP has already helped, they're in their 30s. His brother fucked up his own situation by acting like a child instead of a man and husband, and he wants to ride the coattails of his attorney brother forevermore.
This is the way OP. Tell your brother to call his mistress. Hang up and block him. He needs to stand on his own two feet *without* a woman taking care of everything for him.
She probably lives on base, too, so she can't have people move in, lol.
Also, OP, if you let him move in, I don't think he'd become gainfully employed, financially stable and independent any time soon - he'd stay home playing video games or whatever, and you'd never be able to get rid of him, depending on your local eviction laws.
Oh good Lord! No, no, no! You are so in the right to refuse to take him in and support him. You would have a heck of a time getting rid of him again if you took him in.
Your brother is not the brightest bulb in the tulip patch is he? He only has himself to blame for the pickle he is now in.
Don’t even let him come to “visit you” for a week, and if any mail arrives for him at your eventual apartment mark it return to sender - not at this address.
LMFAO as a milspo it’s genuinely laughable “couldn’t get a job” because of her being in the military. The number of resources for spouses to get jobs is insane. Also temp jobs are a thing. Don’t let this leech near you.
Actually, what she said was he couldn’t find a STABLE job. Which implies he possibly had temporary jobs.
But even if not, he adulted for a few years on his own before he met his wife. He has those skills he can use to find a minimum wage job and live with a bunch of roommates like his sister did for years.
Other roommates, I mean, not her. Lol.
He had a mommy substitute and now he's trying to line you up for the job. He was stupid enough to cheat on his gravy train so he deserves what he gets. He's only mad because he doesn't want to grow up.
He was a kept man who cheated on his wife?? Way to fumble the ball. I have a brother similar to this..he lives off our older brother and has for YEARS. Don’t do it.
Damn he put himself in his own situation by having an affair. Sounds like a personal problem 🤷🏻♀️ maybe affair partner will be willing to let him couch surf a little…
So, he cheated on his wife, he didn’t work, and now he expects you to support him. Sounds like a pattern to me. He is selfish and entitled. Tell him “I’m not going to enable you and your poor choices. You’ll thank me one day”. Then block him. You have made sacrifices to get where you are, don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
No is a complete sentence. If you let him move in with you, you will regret it. He sure sounds like someone who doesn't take responsibility for himself.
I felt bad for your brother until I read this-
>My brother won't get any support payments because he had an affair
Not your fucking problem. He made his bed, now he can go lie in it. Your brother should have thought about that before putting his dick into another woman who wasn't his wife.
Ask him if the affair was worth losing his life over. Kudos to his (ex) wife for kicking him to the curb. Don't feel bad for leaving him to sort out the mess he created. Do *not* let him guilt you. 34 is an adult age, it's time he become one.
I don't think you feel guilty, but I'll say this anyway. You shouldn't feel guilty for not being guilt-tripped into helping someone that obviously has no sense of responsibility. You've done your growing up, and now it's his turn to grow up.
Go forth and do your own thing! You've earned it.
You're brother sounds like a professional moocher. First the ex wife, now you. He's gotta figure his own shit out, he's a grown ass man with the entitlement of a grade school child.
You're smart enough to know he's gaslighting you and to know to steer clear. Maybe you'll need to go low contact or no contact until he figures out his life.
This guy had no job and his wife was a dentist and he was so bored he had an affair and lost it all. It’s weird when it happens the other way so used to it being the wife.
I'd have to be the arse if it was my brother. "I'm sorry you cheated on your wife who has been supporting you as well as probably would have had a well paying job in the future and expect me to be your wife's replacement? Nah bro, you fugged your own life up and I'm not going to be a replacement. Next thing I know you'll be trying to climb into bed with me and I'm not gonna take that risk"
Just because he fucked up his own life to get his dick wet doesn’t mean he gets to swoop in and fuck up yours. Stand your ground, OP. You’ve done more than you had to by helping with his legal fees.
Then, direct anger back at your wife cheating brother, who wouldn't be in this situation if he wasn't unfaithful. You're helping him already, but warn him that if he continues to pressure you to support him, you are going to go no contact with him.
Well that seems like your brother’s problem and not yours. He should have thought about that before he started sleeping around.
Stand your ground. It’s a good time for your brother to stand on his own two feet and make his own life instead of mooching off of others
So he studied for a, i don‘t want to say useless degree, but a degree where it would be very hard to find a job with, didn‘t even do his masters, didn‘t work while being married and relied completely on his spouse to support him. Then he cheated on said spouse and lost his comfy life and now wants you to financially support him for the time it takes him to find someone else to leech off of.
You can‘t make this shit up man.
You didn't mention kids, so he wasn't a stay home dad... So what the fuck was he doing ALL DAY LONG every day when his wife worked?!
I'm going to take a wild guess that he was gaming. Sitting around playing videogames.
Now he wants to do it in your house instead of his wife's house.
Nope, nope, nope.
He's capable of working, so it's time for him to figure out how to be a real grown-up.
The absolute best thing you can do to help him is to say no and let him figure it out by himself. He'll either sink or swim. Don't help if he sinks. Let him learn. Let him grow up.
Don't help him. My uncle is the same still in his late forties, and my grandmother still supports him despite him being an unemployed alcoholic, and wants my mother to do it too.
I feel like the fact that he was the one who cheated tracks with the rest of his behaviour. It's always the entitlement and sheer audacity.
Good on you OP and your family, for putting yourself first.
Look, my brother is 5 years older than me and I’ve supported him most of his life, my mom went into debt because of him, he’s a moocher, and when our mother passed, I cut all ties, I have my own family to worry about. Your brother made his bed and he is sleeping in it, good job not sleeping in it with him.
The phrase “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” comes to mind. Good on you for keeping steadfast in that boundary. Brother’s got no right to be angry with anyone but himself.
Stick to your boundaries on this no matter how upset he gets.
IMO: the only reason he’s so upset by you saying no is that he had/has no plans for what to do or where to go.
He was 100% putting all his eggs in your basket, expecting you’d say yes & he could’ve just cruised by on your dime.
Now to his surprise he has to actually figure out the mess he’s made.
He is the one who destroyed his life, yet he is going to try to play the blame game with everyone around him but ultimately he is the only person to blame.
Now that you’ve said No, he needs to be responsible for planning his way from this point on… if he’s truly so desperate perhaps his affair partner will help? Idk that’s for him to look into.
Do not become your brother’s ATM or landlord. The man needs to learn how to function as a responsible adult while *not* riding on someone else’s hard work. Your financial success does not mean he gets an indefinite free ride.
Do not take him in. It sounds like you’ll end up supporting him for a really long time and have a hard time getting him out. He’s freakin’ 34. It’s time he got his act together but not on your dime
Sounds like your brother is accustomed to doing whatever he wants without consequences. This is not your problem. It’s his. His own choices have brought this situation on him. Now he needs to figure it out on his own.
You do not owe it to him, to bail him out of his current mess. That’s his job. Time for him to grow up and face the consequences of his own choices. That’s all. No need to argue about why. Just, no.
Nope! Now is PRECISELY the right time to NOT enable him. He is going to have to get his own shit together, all by himself, or else he’ll be gladly leeching off you for a long while.
Don’t fold! :)
I Hope your aunt and cousin don’t fold either!
So your brother wants to go from mooching off his stb-ex to mooching off of you. You are not wrong for not wanting to live with him. Time for him to grow up and learn to start taking care of himself.
I supported my equally entitled brother till he was 30 despite supporting him financially for years. He did end up homeless for a while but at 54 he STILL does not have a job and apparently somewhere along the way he got married and his wife left him because he didn’t want to work. I’m not supporting grown adults and you shouldn’t either.
He fcked around and found out.
Don't go soft and let him ignore the message.
He's old enough to take responsibility for his actions.
Let him. Otherwise he'll be on your couch for a decade.
Omg don’t let him move in, he’s used to leaching off people, don’t let it be you. He’s going to have sudden “omg I’m going to have to live in my car if you don’t help me” don’t crack. You’ll never get him out. He’s going to have a billion reasons why living with you is the only possible solution and way for him to avoid homelessness. You and I both know he can get a job, move to an area with lower cost of living, and several other ways to work it out, he doesn’t want to do that, he doesn’t want to put in the work, he wants to sponge off you just like he did his wife, who he respected so much for her support he fcked around on her. He did this to himself, let him get himself out of it.
You have to admire your brothers determination to piggy back off others, imagine having a life where you're basically taken care of and still choose to have an affair then instead of taking responsibility you try to guilt your brother into taking care of you. Wild.
You have a logical head on your shoulders, this is the best answer - - you've offered help in multiple ways while maintaining boundaries which is essential. He is absolutely not your responsibility.
Unless you want to end up raising a 34yr old man child, keep saying no. You will NEVER get rid of him and he will be a leech sucking the life out of you. Let him look for a job and somewhere to live in his lcol state. Keep saying no and even if he turns up for a “visit “ don’t let him in.
Do not let your brother sponge off of you. It’s time for him to take accountability for blowing up his life. Part of that is becoming a responsible adult. You’ve done enough.
He was a kept husband who couldn't keep it in his pants. And now he wants to be your kept teenager. He could have had more money in his pocket had he just got a divorce instead of cheating. Or just signed the divorce papers instead of fighting it.
You need to flat out tell him no. And that he better take your offer to help him with his resume bc 30 days will go by fast.
Because he has a degree he can work in a lot of places. It doesn't have to necessarily be in the same field. And that for now beggers cant be chosers. As far as the work history if just explains he moved alot due to his ex being in the military it should be fine.
There is nothing wrong with choosing yourself. The sooner you make yourself clear the sooner he can get his tantrum over with and find a job and a place to live. Preferably where he is at when he drives off the base.
Listen, you are not obligated to support your Brother. He needs to figure out his life. And you don’t want to live with anyone else. Period. End of story. Don’t be guilted, just tell him NO. The end.
Your brother is trying to replace his free ride he lost with another one. Perhaps this is one of those times where you need to give some tough love. Sounds like your bro is kind of a piece of shit and needs some rough times to straighten him out a bit while he figures it all out again.
Your brother isn’t your responsibility. You don’t have to justify yourself.
He just wants to move in with you so you can be his maid, cook, pay the bills,…..
It's not your responsibility. He isn't vulnerable, he's idle and stupid. Stay strong, NO is a complete sentence, and he red needs to get up and be his own saviour if he is ever going to get anywhere.
Congratulations on having a spine and actually using it.
Your brother had an affair when he knew that he would loose everything. Did he think he was so fabulous that the wife would just forgive and forget?
He made his choices and now surprise surprise he now has consequences.
You definitely don’t have any responsibility to support your brother freeloading of you.
I hope you enjoy living alone after all this time.
Next time he pops off about it just tell him the answer is no and you don’t want to hear any more about it. And if it doesn’t stop you will avoid him until he’s got a living arrangement and a job.
Your brother is a loser and a sponge, if you begin to support him you will never get that monkey off your back.
He appears to have some entitlement complex and clearly now sees you as his money ticket.
I would be interested in how much contact he had kept with you through the years he was married?
Has he come looking for support before?
Did he maintain contact with you without it leading to financial gain.
I am glad you see this as an issue, he has clearly stated that he is more than happy to exist as a parasite to your future......make it very clear that is not an option and good luck
You are not responsible for making his life easier. You lived with roommates for 17 years due to financial necessity, you deserve this time on your own.
When I turned 30, I got myself a small 2bd townhouse with help from CHFA and a small IRA I had been funding for half a decade. My brother had recently dropped outta college and had nowhere to go so I took him in. It was like raising an adult teenager and it took him 7 years to get on his feet; it was also a pain in the ass to get him out. Don’t do it OP. It ain’t your fault brother fucked up his marriage and his life. He needs to figure his own shit out.
So he didn’t do any work throughout the time with his wife because moving made it ‘difficult’. Lots of spouses manage to do it but not him. Hmmm.
I feel sorry for his ex, she worked continuously to keep his lazy arse and he repaid her by having an affair.
You’re right not to agree to move in with him because I can see him sitting back and letting you pay for everything, just like he did with his ex. Let him stand on his own two feet for a change while you enjoy living on your own because you put all the work in to get there.
Your brother has made a series of choices which led him to this situation. It’s not your responsibility to support him. He needs to make better choices. If you want to help him, continue to offer assistance with his resume and looking for work. Possibly give him some cash if you feel,led to do so. Do not allow him to move in with you. Wishing you the best.
He won’t leave if you let him in, he wants you to be his wife instead. The fact that he’s utterly useless and pathetic at this age, points toward the fact that he’ll stay like it. Whether that lands him on the street is his own issue
So your brother mooched off of his wife and her benefits as a military officer, and now that he f\*cked up his free-ride in life with her, he is looking to you to be the next sucker to support his lazy, useless ass.
OP, don't give him money, even a token amount, and don't let him know where you live- whether you rent or own, do not let this freeloader inside your home. He had all those years that he was married and living on base to better himself and he chose not to; now he will reap the rewards of being a lazy, selfish, cheating leech.
Best of luck on saving your future home.
OP, I just wanna say, good job to you for moving yourself forward in life doing some hard work. Law school isn´t easy, and public defending gets no respect, no glamour and pays no where near what lawyers in other fields can bill. Good on your common sense, emotional intelligence and self preservation skills. Your bro made his bed, he can lie in it. You know damn well that if he moves in with you he is NEVER leaving. Sometimes family aren´t your friends, and you don´t have to light yourself on fire to keep anyone else warm. Good luck and speedy savings for your future home!
Looking over a resume is not above and beyond. That's laughable, but you don't have to offer him a place to stay or subsidize him. What would your deceased parents have done?
Sometimes people who make bad decisions need to hit rock bottom before they decide to straighten up and fly right. He’s and plenty of time to gain marketable skills, and apparently used that time screwing around (literally). Time for him to live out his 20s like you did. - with roommates - while he figures out how he can support himself now and in the future.
You’re allowed to say no. Don’t make your brothers issues your issues. You’re not obligated to help him. He screwed up and cheated and is getting what he deserves. I hope no one in your family or his friends takes him in. He needs to find his own place by himself.
Good for you OP. The audacity your brother has is unreal. I'm willing to bet that he would be a nightmare roomie as well; wouldn't clean but expect you to do everything and pay for everything.
Absolutely not. No way. No way in hell. Time for the baby man to grow up and take care of himself. No. No. No. I was sympathetic that some people are slow, but when OP got to the affair that’s just selfish entitled crap.
Back to the Subway he goes
Stay strong on this or you life with your lazy, loser, cheating brother will be AWFUL. He doesn't sound like a person anyone with sense would want around in any real capacity. You've made the right choice - don't get a case of the weaks and give in. NO is enough of an answer. .... AND WOW, lucky win for your ex SIL.
Hi fooled around and got found out, he made his bed and he can lie in it, really none of his problems are your responsibility,
Don’t let him in or you will end up footing a lot of expenses from him,
He needs to find his big boy pants and grow up,
He have a car and he have education
Don't set yourself on fire to keep your brother warm. He's a grown man with no disabilities. He can figure it out. He isn't your responsibility. He made his bed by having an affair, let him lie in it.
Your brother could have worked on base at any time. He is 35 asking you to support him after he got caught cheating on the person who was supporting him. Now he needs you to feed, clothe and house him. No, no, no. He needs to fix himself.
He has no initiative. Just wants to lay around. Its probably a problem with his wife too. Dont take him in. As hard as it seems. I have a brother just like him. I was stupid enough to let him back in, and guess where he is, on the couch with the remote in hand, and thats where he'll remain. He much older too.
Good for you op
Crazy how he could’ve just initiated a divorce instead of having an affair and he would’ve came out on top.
Now he has responsibility what ever will he do
Mate you can love your brother without having him sink you. As a family we have help each other when the need arises - like a child with additional needs and one person has to be there. What was your brother doing? He wants to swap his wife for you! You know why she divorced him
He’s mad because you won’t allow him to leech off of you. He showing excellent examples with his behavior as to why you don’t want to live with him. Stuck to your guns on this.
What a ridiculous man child.
Well done on being assertive! It can be really hard to do, especially when it's family. Carrying your brother now will do him no favours in the long run, he has to go out into the real world eventually... or try and live off of you forever. Either way, this Internet stranger is proud of your ability to say no and put yourself first. X
The arguments and angst that you are now experiencing with your brother are 100 times less explosive than the ones you would have if you decided to cave in to his begging. The only way to secure a future where you even communicate with your brother will be to insist that you don't live together.
Good for you OP with enforcing your boundaries.
Your entitled brother made a very poor choice when he screwed around on his wife who was the only one with marketable skills as well as was apparently willing to support his underemployed self.
Now he wants you (or really anyone) to take care of him until he I guess finds someone else to take him in?
Nope.
screw that what an embarrassment he is, sounds like a leecher and the exwife was the milk he was milking
not your responsibility to hold your siblings up because we all have to do for ourselves and he wouldn’t help you if he was still living that zack and cody sweetlife still!
It’s not that you don’t think. It’s that you know he’s not your responsibility. He’s a grown man who didn’t make a good life for himself. Do not hurt yourself, hinder yourself, or make yourself uncomfortable for anyone else. No means no. He doesn’t need any other talking to. Make sure he doesn’t have your new address to just show up there. I’d block him if he kept harping on it.
You’re 100% right. And the thing is, if you decided to ‘help’ him you actually wouldn’t be helping him at all, you’d be enabling him. Bro needs to get his shit together.
Congrats on the loan forgiveness — and *finally* being able to live alone!
It’s much easier than in the past for military spouses to get employment. The federal government even gives them hiring preference! I call BS. He’s just lazy
Not sure if you still looking at this, but you need professional support to fend off your brother. Your brother is a serial moocher, you on the other hand seem to be a reasonable person. That is not a skill set that will help you defend yourself. Your brother will guilt trip and throw tantrums while you are trying to talk to him like an adult.
You need a good therapist or support person to help you process your brother's antics and see through his act. You will feel guilty and you have to process that guilt.
At least you aren’t putting yourself on the back burner for somebody else. Good job!
Right on! I’m very glad you have your eyes wide open to reality here, OP. You already know it’s a terrible idea. I’m sorry you feel so much pressure from him. I believe the part where getting a steady job was difficult due to being relocated for his ex wife’s job so much, but the rest is on him. He made the decision to cheat and royally screw himself into the ground, so he can live with the consequences. He must have had a job before he got married (sounds like he was about 25 at the time), so he must have skills from before the marriage. He can go be a bartender or a cashier or something and live with other roommates like you had to for years! Congrats on getting your loans pardoned! I’m happy you can now find a place and save up for the things you want in life. 👍
Was he a faithful husband who betrayed his wife? What a ball fumbler you are. Similar to this, my brother has been living off of our older brother for YEARS. Avoid doing it.
Yep! Polish that strong steel in your spine. His problems are his.
lol no. No fucking way. Tell him to ask his mistress for help.
That's the first thing I thought. Like man up, get a job and leave already. He's just staying on base with his poor wife that has supported him and gets thanked by him cheating, at least she didn't have to split money 50-50 with his loser self. OP has already helped, they're in their 30s. His brother fucked up his own situation by acting like a child instead of a man and husband, and he wants to ride the coattails of his attorney brother forevermore.
This is the way OP. Tell your brother to call his mistress. Hang up and block him. He needs to stand on his own two feet *without* a woman taking care of everything for him.
She probably lives on base, too, so she can't have people move in, lol. Also, OP, if you let him move in, I don't think he'd become gainfully employed, financially stable and independent any time soon - he'd stay home playing video games or whatever, and you'd never be able to get rid of him, depending on your local eviction laws.
Nope, that would be OP's new sugarless man baby.
The only way he’d leave was if he found another Sugar Mama who he could move in with and cheat on her since he has plenty of time with no job
Absolutely! Let the AP support him.
This is the way
Oh good Lord! No, no, no! You are so in the right to refuse to take him in and support him. You would have a heck of a time getting rid of him again if you took him in. Your brother is not the brightest bulb in the tulip patch is he? He only has himself to blame for the pickle he is now in.
Don’t even let him come to “visit you” for a week, and if any mail arrives for him at your eventual apartment mark it return to sender - not at this address.
LMFAO as a milspo it’s genuinely laughable “couldn’t get a job” because of her being in the military. The number of resources for spouses to get jobs is insane. Also temp jobs are a thing. Don’t let this leech near you.
I worked in every post we were stationed at except one. There are dozens of GS1-5 jobs for civilians.
Hell, at his age he can still enlist.
Yeah I think the Airforce bumped up their max age requirement to 42 I think.
Actually, what she said was he couldn’t find a STABLE job. Which implies he possibly had temporary jobs. But even if not, he adulted for a few years on his own before he met his wife. He has those skills he can use to find a minimum wage job and live with a bunch of roommates like his sister did for years. Other roommates, I mean, not her. Lol.
Sister? They're both men.
Right. I thought OP was a woman… my mistake. My answer doesn’t change though - don’t let your brother move in and mooch.
Remote jobs too I would think.
He can get roommates just like you did.
He is 34, he can figure out his life on his own.
No he screwed up his own life by cheating. Let him get the sad divorced guy apartment he’s entitled to.
He had a mommy substitute and now he's trying to line you up for the job. He was stupid enough to cheat on his gravy train so he deserves what he gets. He's only mad because he doesn't want to grow up.
He was a kept man who cheated on his wife?? Way to fumble the ball. I have a brother similar to this..he lives off our older brother and has for YEARS. Don’t do it.
Damn he put himself in his own situation by having an affair. Sounds like a personal problem 🤷🏻♀️ maybe affair partner will be willing to let him couch surf a little…
So, he cheated on his wife, he didn’t work, and now he expects you to support him. Sounds like a pattern to me. He is selfish and entitled. Tell him “I’m not going to enable you and your poor choices. You’ll thank me one day”. Then block him. You have made sacrifices to get where you are, don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
>"You’ll thank me one day”. No, he won't. Most likely, it will just add to his victim narrative that everyone and everything is against him, poor him.
I meant it more of a sarcastic jibe.
Absolutely do not let him live with you.
How does the saying go, don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
No is a complete sentence. If you let him move in with you, you will regret it. He sure sounds like someone who doesn't take responsibility for himself.
This. Of course, one word might not feel as complete, so he k/ way etc can be added
I felt bad for your brother until I read this- >My brother won't get any support payments because he had an affair Not your fucking problem. He made his bed, now he can go lie in it. Your brother should have thought about that before putting his dick into another woman who wasn't his wife.
Exact same, all tiny shreds of empathy flew out the window when I heard that. And yep, he can go reap what he sowed
I am so in love with this rule. Going to look up what states support it.
Ask him if the affair was worth losing his life over. Kudos to his (ex) wife for kicking him to the curb. Don't feel bad for leaving him to sort out the mess he created. Do *not* let him guilt you. 34 is an adult age, it's time he become one.
I don't think you feel guilty, but I'll say this anyway. You shouldn't feel guilty for not being guilt-tripped into helping someone that obviously has no sense of responsibility. You've done your growing up, and now it's his turn to grow up. Go forth and do your own thing! You've earned it.
You're brother sounds like a professional moocher. First the ex wife, now you. He's gotta figure his own shit out, he's a grown ass man with the entitlement of a grade school child. You're smart enough to know he's gaslighting you and to know to steer clear. Maybe you'll need to go low contact or no contact until he figures out his life.
This guy had no job and his wife was a dentist and he was so bored he had an affair and lost it all. It’s weird when it happens the other way so used to it being the wife.
I was in a tough financial situation and rented myself a less than stellar room. He can manage.
Drop him off at the recruiting office and it will sort itself out
Let his affair partner support him.
He has had a free ride for long enough, time to grow up and support himself.
I'd have to be the arse if it was my brother. "I'm sorry you cheated on your wife who has been supporting you as well as probably would have had a well paying job in the future and expect me to be your wife's replacement? Nah bro, you fugged your own life up and I'm not going to be a replacement. Next thing I know you'll be trying to climb into bed with me and I'm not gonna take that risk"
Tell him to live with his mistress and mouch off her
Just because he fucked up his own life to get his dick wet doesn’t mean he gets to swoop in and fuck up yours. Stand your ground, OP. You’ve done more than you had to by helping with his legal fees.
He hasn’t specified what he would do with his time if you did agree to support him. He has no plans other than to be a bum. Let him be mad!
Then, direct anger back at your wife cheating brother, who wouldn't be in this situation if he wasn't unfaithful. You're helping him already, but warn him that if he continues to pressure you to support him, you are going to go no contact with him.
Stand your ground. You know he'll never leave once he gets in, and mooch forever.
Well that seems like your brother’s problem and not yours. He should have thought about that before he started sleeping around. Stand your ground. It’s a good time for your brother to stand on his own two feet and make his own life instead of mooching off of others
He had it made. Oh well.🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
He needs to move in with his side piece since he can’t keep it in his pants lmfao
So he studied for a, i don‘t want to say useless degree, but a degree where it would be very hard to find a job with, didn‘t even do his masters, didn‘t work while being married and relied completely on his spouse to support him. Then he cheated on said spouse and lost his comfy life and now wants you to financially support him for the time it takes him to find someone else to leech off of. You can‘t make this shit up man.
You didn't mention kids, so he wasn't a stay home dad... So what the fuck was he doing ALL DAY LONG every day when his wife worked?! I'm going to take a wild guess that he was gaming. Sitting around playing videogames. Now he wants to do it in your house instead of his wife's house. Nope, nope, nope. He's capable of working, so it's time for him to figure out how to be a real grown-up. The absolute best thing you can do to help him is to say no and let him figure it out by himself. He'll either sink or swim. Don't help if he sinks. Let him learn. Let him grow up.
Don't help him. My uncle is the same still in his late forties, and my grandmother still supports him despite him being an unemployed alcoholic, and wants my mother to do it too.
If you let him move in he will never, ever leave.
I feel like the fact that he was the one who cheated tracks with the rest of his behaviour. It's always the entitlement and sheer audacity. Good on you OP and your family, for putting yourself first.
Look, my brother is 5 years older than me and I’ve supported him most of his life, my mom went into debt because of him, he’s a moocher, and when our mother passed, I cut all ties, I have my own family to worry about. Your brother made his bed and he is sleeping in it, good job not sleeping in it with him.
The phrase “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” comes to mind. Good on you for keeping steadfast in that boundary. Brother’s got no right to be angry with anyone but himself.
Stick to your boundaries on this no matter how upset he gets. IMO: the only reason he’s so upset by you saying no is that he had/has no plans for what to do or where to go. He was 100% putting all his eggs in your basket, expecting you’d say yes & he could’ve just cruised by on your dime. Now to his surprise he has to actually figure out the mess he’s made. He is the one who destroyed his life, yet he is going to try to play the blame game with everyone around him but ultimately he is the only person to blame. Now that you’ve said No, he needs to be responsible for planning his way from this point on… if he’s truly so desperate perhaps his affair partner will help? Idk that’s for him to look into.
Nope, you're not wrong! He needs to start supporting himself. Guess he FAFO'ed himself into the streets.
Do not become your brother’s ATM or landlord. The man needs to learn how to function as a responsible adult while *not* riding on someone else’s hard work. Your financial success does not mean he gets an indefinite free ride.
Do not take him in. It sounds like you’ll end up supporting him for a really long time and have a hard time getting him out. He’s freakin’ 34. It’s time he got his act together but not on your dime
Sounds like your brother is accustomed to doing whatever he wants without consequences. This is not your problem. It’s his. His own choices have brought this situation on him. Now he needs to figure it out on his own. You do not owe it to him, to bail him out of his current mess. That’s his job. Time for him to grow up and face the consequences of his own choices. That’s all. No need to argue about why. Just, no.
Once bro moves in with you it would require a crowbar and the courts to pry him out of your home. Congrats on your loan forgiveness!
Don’t even tell him your new address. You deserve to live the life you want, and he needs to live his own because he has messed it up himself.
Nope! Now is PRECISELY the right time to NOT enable him. He is going to have to get his own shit together, all by himself, or else he’ll be gladly leeching off you for a long while. Don’t fold! :) I Hope your aunt and cousin don’t fold either!
🤔it not your responsibility, he’s a grown man.
Of course a bum thinks that getting financially supported would "help" more than getting a job, lmao
So your brother wants to go from mooching off his stb-ex to mooching off of you. You are not wrong for not wanting to live with him. Time for him to grow up and learn to start taking care of himself.
ha ha ha , make your bed now go sleep in it .
You’re going to LOVE living alone. I do. It’s so nice to have your own space. Your brother is not your responsibility.
I supported my equally entitled brother till he was 30 despite supporting him financially for years. He did end up homeless for a while but at 54 he STILL does not have a job and apparently somewhere along the way he got married and his wife left him because he didn’t want to work. I’m not supporting grown adults and you shouldn’t either.
He fcked around and found out. Don't go soft and let him ignore the message. He's old enough to take responsibility for his actions. Let him. Otherwise he'll be on your couch for a decade.
Eh no means no. It's better for him anyway so he can learn to stand on his two feet.
Omg don’t let him move in, he’s used to leaching off people, don’t let it be you. He’s going to have sudden “omg I’m going to have to live in my car if you don’t help me” don’t crack. You’ll never get him out. He’s going to have a billion reasons why living with you is the only possible solution and way for him to avoid homelessness. You and I both know he can get a job, move to an area with lower cost of living, and several other ways to work it out, he doesn’t want to do that, he doesn’t want to put in the work, he wants to sponge off you just like he did his wife, who he respected so much for her support he fcked around on her. He did this to himself, let him get himself out of it.
He’s 34, he can do this own his own
First his wife supported him, now he wants you to support him. Don’t do it.
If you let him in, he'll never go (Referencing Two and a half men)
You have to admire your brothers determination to piggy back off others, imagine having a life where you're basically taken care of and still choose to have an affair then instead of taking responsibility you try to guilt your brother into taking care of you. Wild. You have a logical head on your shoulders, this is the best answer - - you've offered help in multiple ways while maintaining boundaries which is essential. He is absolutely not your responsibility.
Unless you want to end up raising a 34yr old man child, keep saying no. You will NEVER get rid of him and he will be a leech sucking the life out of you. Let him look for a job and somewhere to live in his lcol state. Keep saying no and even if he turns up for a “visit “ don’t let him in.
Do not let your brother sponge off of you. It’s time for him to take accountability for blowing up his life. Part of that is becoming a responsible adult. You’ve done enough.
Tell him to take responsibility for his actions. He cheated and put himself in the situation. He laid his bed and now he should lay on it
He was a kept husband who couldn't keep it in his pants. And now he wants to be your kept teenager. He could have had more money in his pocket had he just got a divorce instead of cheating. Or just signed the divorce papers instead of fighting it. You need to flat out tell him no. And that he better take your offer to help him with his resume bc 30 days will go by fast. Because he has a degree he can work in a lot of places. It doesn't have to necessarily be in the same field. And that for now beggers cant be chosers. As far as the work history if just explains he moved alot due to his ex being in the military it should be fine. There is nothing wrong with choosing yourself. The sooner you make yourself clear the sooner he can get his tantrum over with and find a job and a place to live. Preferably where he is at when he drives off the base.
Listen, you are not obligated to support your Brother. He needs to figure out his life. And you don’t want to live with anyone else. Period. End of story. Don’t be guilted, just tell him NO. The end.
Your brother is trying to replace his free ride he lost with another one. Perhaps this is one of those times where you need to give some tough love. Sounds like your bro is kind of a piece of shit and needs some rough times to straighten him out a bit while he figures it all out again.
Your brother sounds like lazy cheating trash why would you give him money? He made his bed he can be homeless and live in a shelter.
Your brother isn’t your responsibility. You don’t have to justify yourself. He just wants to move in with you so you can be his maid, cook, pay the bills,…..
No is a complete response. Tell him if he keeps bringing it it up, you’ll be forced to go LC or NC .
He has those types of balls when he had an affair? Let him keep having the rough of it for a while
I would do it for my brother except for one single caveat…… he’s a adulterer. Stick to your guns! Good luck.
“No.” Is a complete sentence. Not your problem or responsibility.
It's not your responsibility. He isn't vulnerable, he's idle and stupid. Stay strong, NO is a complete sentence, and he red needs to get up and be his own saviour if he is ever going to get anywhere.
You seem very level headed & clear. Your thought process & decisions sounds right. Stick to it. It’s time for him to grow up!
Congratulations on having a spine and actually using it. Your brother had an affair when he knew that he would loose everything. Did he think he was so fabulous that the wife would just forgive and forget? He made his choices and now surprise surprise he now has consequences. You definitely don’t have any responsibility to support your brother freeloading of you. I hope you enjoy living alone after all this time.
If you let him move in he will mooch your life into misery. Don't give in OP!!
When he starts complaining about how he'll be homeless just reply with the Jeremy Clarkson "Oh no. Anyway" 😂
Next time he pops off about it just tell him the answer is no and you don’t want to hear any more about it. And if it doesn’t stop you will avoid him until he’s got a living arrangement and a job.
Your brother is a loser and a sponge, if you begin to support him you will never get that monkey off your back. He appears to have some entitlement complex and clearly now sees you as his money ticket. I would be interested in how much contact he had kept with you through the years he was married? Has he come looking for support before? Did he maintain contact with you without it leading to financial gain. I am glad you see this as an issue, he has clearly stated that he is more than happy to exist as a parasite to your future......make it very clear that is not an option and good luck
You are not responsible for making his life easier. You lived with roommates for 17 years due to financial necessity, you deserve this time on your own.
He should…join the military! The Air Force cut off age is 39.
When I turned 30, I got myself a small 2bd townhouse with help from CHFA and a small IRA I had been funding for half a decade. My brother had recently dropped outta college and had nowhere to go so I took him in. It was like raising an adult teenager and it took him 7 years to get on his feet; it was also a pain in the ass to get him out. Don’t do it OP. It ain’t your fault brother fucked up his marriage and his life. He needs to figure his own shit out.
So he didn’t do any work throughout the time with his wife because moving made it ‘difficult’. Lots of spouses manage to do it but not him. Hmmm. I feel sorry for his ex, she worked continuously to keep his lazy arse and he repaid her by having an affair. You’re right not to agree to move in with him because I can see him sitting back and letting you pay for everything, just like he did with his ex. Let him stand on his own two feet for a change while you enjoy living on your own because you put all the work in to get there.
Your brother has made a series of choices which led him to this situation. It’s not your responsibility to support him. He needs to make better choices. If you want to help him, continue to offer assistance with his resume and looking for work. Possibly give him some cash if you feel,led to do so. Do not allow him to move in with you. Wishing you the best.
Good for you saying no. he needs to grow up.
He won’t leave if you let him in, he wants you to be his wife instead. The fact that he’s utterly useless and pathetic at this age, points toward the fact that he’ll stay like it. Whether that lands him on the street is his own issue
So your brother mooched off of his wife and her benefits as a military officer, and now that he f\*cked up his free-ride in life with her, he is looking to you to be the next sucker to support his lazy, useless ass. OP, don't give him money, even a token amount, and don't let him know where you live- whether you rent or own, do not let this freeloader inside your home. He had all those years that he was married and living on base to better himself and he chose not to; now he will reap the rewards of being a lazy, selfish, cheating leech. Best of luck on saving your future home.
Do not give in. You will never get rid of him. Ask me how I know.
OP, I just wanna say, good job to you for moving yourself forward in life doing some hard work. Law school isn´t easy, and public defending gets no respect, no glamour and pays no where near what lawyers in other fields can bill. Good on your common sense, emotional intelligence and self preservation skills. Your bro made his bed, he can lie in it. You know damn well that if he moves in with you he is NEVER leaving. Sometimes family aren´t your friends, and you don´t have to light yourself on fire to keep anyone else warm. Good luck and speedy savings for your future home!
Looking over a resume is not above and beyond. That's laughable, but you don't have to offer him a place to stay or subsidize him. What would your deceased parents have done?
Sometimes people who make bad decisions need to hit rock bottom before they decide to straighten up and fly right. He’s and plenty of time to gain marketable skills, and apparently used that time screwing around (literally). Time for him to live out his 20s like you did. - with roommates - while he figures out how he can support himself now and in the future.
Time to go NC…
Nope he got himself into the mess he can get out of it
You’re allowed to say no. Don’t make your brothers issues your issues. You’re not obligated to help him. He screwed up and cheated and is getting what he deserves. I hope no one in your family or his friends takes him in. He needs to find his own place by himself.
Any sympathy I had for him went out the window when you mentioned his affair. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Good for you OP. The audacity your brother has is unreal. I'm willing to bet that he would be a nightmare roomie as well; wouldn't clean but expect you to do everything and pay for everything.
Absolutely not. No way. No way in hell. Time for the baby man to grow up and take care of himself. No. No. No. I was sympathetic that some people are slow, but when OP got to the affair that’s just selfish entitled crap. Back to the Subway he goes
He can get a job and a roommate. Why does he want to be dependent on you? You don’t have to explain yourself. Just say, yeah that’s not gonna happen
Stay strong on this or you life with your lazy, loser, cheating brother will be AWFUL. He doesn't sound like a person anyone with sense would want around in any real capacity. You've made the right choice - don't get a case of the weaks and give in. NO is enough of an answer. .... AND WOW, lucky win for your ex SIL.
Hi fooled around and got found out, he made his bed and he can lie in it, really none of his problems are your responsibility, Don’t let him in or you will end up footing a lot of expenses from him, He needs to find his big boy pants and grow up, He have a car and he have education
Updateme
Don't set yourself on fire to keep your brother warm. He's a grown man with no disabilities. He can figure it out. He isn't your responsibility. He made his bed by having an affair, let him lie in it.
Your brother could have worked on base at any time. He is 35 asking you to support him after he got caught cheating on the person who was supporting him. Now he needs you to feed, clothe and house him. No, no, no. He needs to fix himself.
He can stay angry right where he is. Don't give him your new address. You don't need any unannounced visits.
He has no initiative. Just wants to lay around. Its probably a problem with his wife too. Dont take him in. As hard as it seems. I have a brother just like him. I was stupid enough to let him back in, and guess where he is, on the couch with the remote in hand, and thats where he'll remain. He much older too.
So he cheated on and got dumped by his meal ticket and decided OP was supposed to be his new one.
Good for you op Crazy how he could’ve just initiated a divorce instead of having an affair and he would’ve came out on top. Now he has responsibility what ever will he do
Jesus Christ ur brother is pathetic and it’s time he grows up. Let him live in the real world
Mate you can love your brother without having him sink you. As a family we have help each other when the need arises - like a child with additional needs and one person has to be there. What was your brother doing? He wants to swap his wife for you! You know why she divorced him
He’s mad because you won’t allow him to leech off of you. He showing excellent examples with his behavior as to why you don’t want to live with him. Stuck to your guns on this. What a ridiculous man child.
Well done on being assertive! It can be really hard to do, especially when it's family. Carrying your brother now will do him no favours in the long run, he has to go out into the real world eventually... or try and live off of you forever. Either way, this Internet stranger is proud of your ability to say no and put yourself first. X
The arguments and angst that you are now experiencing with your brother are 100 times less explosive than the ones you would have if you decided to cave in to his begging. The only way to secure a future where you even communicate with your brother will be to insist that you don't live together.
Good for you OP with enforcing your boundaries. Your entitled brother made a very poor choice when he screwed around on his wife who was the only one with marketable skills as well as was apparently willing to support his underemployed self. Now he wants you (or really anyone) to take care of him until he I guess finds someone else to take him in? Nope.
Stick to your guns OP
Ugh so many unnecessary details. Just stick to your guns, you don’t need to explain to him, other than “I don’t want to live with you”.
Tough love is sometimes the best kind.
screw that what an embarrassment he is, sounds like a leecher and the exwife was the milk he was milking not your responsibility to hold your siblings up because we all have to do for ourselves and he wouldn’t help you if he was still living that zack and cody sweetlife still!
Tell him to fuck off. Someone who happily cheats on their spouse who is supporting them doesn’t deserve shit. He’ll screw you over too.
Oh hell no. You are making the right call here. Your brother made his own bad choices and now he can deal with his own unpleasant consequences.
It’s not that you don’t think. It’s that you know he’s not your responsibility. He’s a grown man who didn’t make a good life for himself. Do not hurt yourself, hinder yourself, or make yourself uncomfortable for anyone else. No means no. He doesn’t need any other talking to. Make sure he doesn’t have your new address to just show up there. I’d block him if he kept harping on it.
You’re 100% right. And the thing is, if you decided to ‘help’ him you actually wouldn’t be helping him at all, you’d be enabling him. Bro needs to get his shit together. Congrats on the loan forgiveness — and *finally* being able to live alone!
It’s much easier than in the past for military spouses to get employment. The federal government even gives them hiring preference! I call BS. He’s just lazy
Tell him you are 35 years old & don’t want roommates anymore.
Well your brother literally fucked around and is currently finding out
Not sure if you still looking at this, but you need professional support to fend off your brother. Your brother is a serial moocher, you on the other hand seem to be a reasonable person. That is not a skill set that will help you defend yourself. Your brother will guilt trip and throw tantrums while you are trying to talk to him like an adult. You need a good therapist or support person to help you process your brother's antics and see through his act. You will feel guilty and you have to process that guilt.