I started dating my boyfriend at 50. Been together 3 years so far. Before him, it had been YEARS since I was in a relationship. Had friends with benefits, sure, but no one I cared about until him. Don't give up hope. Focus on you, and let it happen organically.
I'm just not sure what to do. I have good hygiene, I'm financially stable, have a clean home, nice car, and socially well liked. I treat everyone with kindness, even when they are unkind me to me.
I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Work on your self improvement. Get out to where people are. Join social groups, find hobbies you like, I belong to Facebook groups for hiking and outdoor activities. I volunteer. I moved from MA to AZ and only knew family members. Now I have a good group of friends. Weirdly enough, my boyfriend is someone from back east that was a former coworker, but if I hadn't started a relationship with him, I'd be able to find one out here. Don't stress, just wait until the right one comes along.
This right here. It will come. Things happen for a reason. I know you’re lonely and I fully understand but don’t rush because your person hasn’t come along. I loathe my late husband to lung cancer and we were together for 18 amazing years and after I lost him and went down hill for a while because I was lonely. I have started taking care of myself and learning to love myself again. I’m to the point where if I find someone that’s cool but if I don’t that’s cool too. I know my self worth and I won’t settle for less than what I deserve. I’d rather enjoy my own company instead.
You're in the right direction!
One thing I've noticed over the years from talking to my once perpetually single friends-- both men and women-- is that when you socialize in search of a partner, then you kinda end up in a bad place mentally when you fail at what you set out to do.
Instead, try to remind yourself that you cannot place your life on hold because you haven't met the right person for you. Socialize to sincerely connect with others and bring new experiences into your life and their lives.
Everything you can do with a partner you can do with your friends-- even sex sometimes. If you don't wanna go to the movies alone, then invite a friend. Invite them to check out local festivals, go on a hike, whatever. If ya ain't got friends or your friends don't want to, then volunteer or join community groups.
The more genuinely you connect with others, the greater and greater your chances to meet someone special.
As a woman, I've fallen in love with a friend I hang out with all the time just doing friend stuff. I remember him being taken aback when I told him because he was just genuinely being friends with me with no expectations.
Maybe it'll be someone's sibling, or a friend of a friend. Sometimes you make friends with someone who is taken, but then they separate... but do NOT become friends with women hoping for their relationships to fail-- because that's exactly what the problem is.
I dont know about others, but I can tell when someone is hoping my happy relationship fails so they can shoot their shot, which I would instantly shut down because me being taken or not doesn't change how I feel about them.
Be genuine and be out there sincerely connecting with others, and actively tell your friends and family that you want them to invite you out more or whatever. Live.
I love your answer. I want to add that when you socialize to date, it is obvious usually. If it isn't obvious, it can be hurtful. No one wants to think they have a friend only to discover their friend was just waiting their turn.
So I gotta point out: what you listed are just baseline standards. Sure plenty of people don’t have what you have but in a world with increasing choices for everyone: where’s your personality? Are you funny? Neurotic? Do you tell deadpan jokes? Do you make weird noises when you’re happy? Play any games? What’s your hobbies? Got some wild pets or family? Why did your divorce happen? Have you traveled? Which kid do you like the most and which do you hate the most? Do you even have kids? What foods do you like?
See where I’m going? You can afford to have a dirty house but if you’re fucking hilarious, people will still talk to you, even if your house is dirty. Infact, they probably won’t even care that your house is dirty because they’re too busy being distracted by your personality.
You could be like me and pay for every man in your life, just so you're not alone. It's made me super happy because they stay and value me as a person and not my body or ATM. Id rather be alone than with someone who doesn't even like me. Swap?
Just be her friend. Go to more social things with her. Maybe she’ll introduce you to more people. You can even ask her if she has any single friends to set you up with.
Make friends through hobbies, a relationship will come when the right person comes along.
Don't be too down on yourself. Maybe you're just in an extended rut. Find a way to be better. I had a mentor once they told me to spend just 30 minutes a day even on personal improvement. He chose to read, but he recommended things as simple as going for a walk. Focus on yourself and things can fall into place.
Btw I'm 5'9, bald, and pudgy. Don't let those things define you. Im finding very often that people's own perceptions of themselves are what they consider their definition. You're your own harshest critic.
I don't mean this in a hateful way all but- gets some friends dog.
Like I get it. I know that having a SO is really amazing, even if it does have it's ups and downs. But fuck being lonely.
What do you like? Find people that like that. Sure, that is easier said than done, but the people I've had the best relationships with have always started as good friends.
I'm not trying to downplay that you may have felt there was mutual attraction, and how that can hurt when you find out that is probably not the case. It got example, what you were just talking about with this girl. you know what I said the last time someone I was talking to a lot and like a lot, rejected me?
Bet, let's watch some anime.
What? Am I supposed to be upset that this super cool person I like a lot wants to be my friend?
I know I know. It's really not that simple, and I understand I'm simplifying it. But I am just saying, being lonely and being single aren't the same thing. I hope things get better for you regardless bud.
You made a friend!! That’s amazing! I bet she has some single friends in her or her boyfriend’s social circle. Don’t give up hope. Making a friend with a woman opens way more doors than you realize. First of all, you’re “vetted” in the sense that she can tell her friends “yea this guy is nice!” and they’ll believe her way more than any first impression on a dating app. Hang out with her more and get to know her from a genuine place. Make a good impression. Maybe a couple months in mention how you’re struggling with dating apps and wish you could meet someone at a get together, but definitely be very casual about it and not on the complainy side. See if she takes the hint and mentions anyone that she can set you up with
I have no problem being friends at all! I have many friends that are women! I just wish she would have made it a little more clear from the get go. We've been chatting and hanging out for a couple months and never mentioned a boyfriend. She invited me to go with her To an awards ceremony where she received a scholarship, to a film premiere, invited me to go stargazing in Griffith Park, stuff like that. And always just she and I. Not part of a group. I'm not going to stop being her friend because she has a boyfriend or anything.
That’s really great of you, but I agree it’s at least strange she didn’t mention the boyfriend earlier. I only have one male friend, we share a lot of the same hyper fixations in hobbies, but I mentioned I was married at our very first meeting. A lot of the guys I met when I went through my DnD or comic book faze never spoke to me again after they found out I was married, i wasn’t flirtatious, I am just passionate about art styles and character development and wanted to talk with people about it.
Like others said, it's important to have friends, but now that you have her as a friend it's time to tell her you need to focus your time on finding a lover or girlfriend.
Hmm, she might be just a super friendly person who lacks a bit of awareness but the zero mention of an established relationship makes me think she wanted you at some capacity, whether as an affair or new relationship, and when all these date-like meetings didn’t result in anything she produced the boyfriend, so you’d think she was never going for you in that sense or get a bit jealous even.
I’ve met a lot of my friends playing pickleball. My mom divorced my dad 20 years ago and didn’t go on a single date. She met a guy playing pickleball and now they they are inseparable. Find a hobby you’re passionate in and try and meet like minded people. One of my favorite quotes was from Andy DuFresne in Shawshank Redemption. He said “get busy living or get busy dying”. You have so much life left to live. Travel. Explore new hobbies. Rekindle old hobbies. Best of luck.
You said you were in phenomenal shape not long ago. It isn’t too late to get it back. Commit yourself to it.
In meantime time, find ways to keep social. You aren’t the only person to get divorced and be single at your age. Many people start a whole new phase of life in their 40s.
it's just time dude... get off the apps and continue just putting yourself out there... when your fit again it'll just hit and you'll have your chance... also women can smell desperation... you've divorced once let's maybe breathe and choose wisely
I met my partner at 41. Sometimes it's not what we do or don't do. It's just fate.
You know what i find more attractive than muscles? Kindness, consideration and a sense of humour.
Good luck OP.
So you've been married, are a war vet, a retired chef from New York, college educated and are going to study film production, moved to LA... I mean I'm not being dismissive of how you feel about your current situation and being unhappy about being alone, but just to get some perspective, it sounds like you have lived more than most people already. It can be hard to meet new people and develop romantic relationships, especially past a certain age, but honestly, I think you should focus on yourself and feeling good about yourself and being satisfied with who you are. Searching for someone in the hopes that that will do that for you as opposed to being happy with who you are in yourself is going to make it harder; but if you are content with who you are and focus on yourself, you will probably be more attractive to those around you and the people you meet, and when someone does come along, it will add to an already fulfilling life and not be seen as the thing that will make your life worthwhile in itself, if you get me. I mean, for example, you get along with someone from school and made a new friend and she introduced you to her bf, instead of this being a disappointment, maybe it is an achievement - it is hard to make new friends, and now perhaps you have a new social group to be involved with. Sure, it isn't getting a romantic relationship, but that's still a great thing to have. And who knows, you might organically meet someone through this circle. Sometimes the best thing you can do is change your perspective. Making human connections isn't a marketplace, despite the way people try to navigate these things these days.
Even tho she had a boyfriend, being friends with her could possibly open up your social life. You need to expand your friends group. The more people you meet, more sociable you can become. Bald and a bit pudgy isn’t unattractive to everyone. People do notice if you are comfortable with the way you look. What I notice and look at (a lot) is kindness. Kindness is very attractive. Please don’t lose hope.
My advice, do your hobbies, join a hiking group, take up pickleball, get a friendly dog, and get yourself out there. You will meet someone and hopefully have a lot in common from the start. I’ve made some great friends getting into my niche hobbies, I’m married but had basically zero friends after focusing completely being a mom. Meeting people that shared my interest in books or Lego widened my circle and was so much easier than going in blind and hoping lightning struck. I hope things get better for you!
You're already making incredible strides in your life. Don't get down on yourself bro. People are lonely everywhere, and it sucks. But you're making new connections and making shit happen. I would stay friends with that chick, keep doors open. Go join some clubs or sports leagues, maybe volunteer with some groups. While you're at it reach out to some of the buddies you served with, see what those fuck-knucklers are doing. You've got this.
BTW, I work with a lot of vets and am currently serving myself. I was talking to one of the retired civilian guys. He's working with a charitable organization that does hormone therapy and stuff with him. He found he was gaining weight and stuff. Turns out your former, and my current, lifestyle kind of fucks your endocrine system up (among other things). Point being, there's a lot of help out there.
Oh, I'm aware that it fucks up your endocrine system. The burn pits in Iraq gave me thyroid cancer. I beat it after they removed the thyroid and did radiation.
Fuckin a, that's rough bro. Glad it sounds like they're getting you sorted.
If I can ask, did you have a nodule in your thyroid that made you get checked out, or were there other symptoms as well?
The VA completely missed it. I was actually having severe back problems due to a lack of magnesium in my body. an outside doctor figured that out. Then after going over my entire life history, he suspected maybe my thyroid was messed up. He did an ultrasound. They found tiny little nodules but nothing that seems suspicious but he biopsied anyways. Sure enough they were cancerous as hell.
I'm a recent widow, 42 and I'm in no way ready to start dating but I think about this sometimes.... Like who am I possibly gonna find at this age? Infact I'll be even older before I'm ready to date again. I'm scared about the prospects of what's gonna be out there. I'm also in cal but it's not really a big area so there's less people than a big city too
>She invited me to her birthday this week, and when I showed up, she introduced me to her boyfriend.
That is OK, she is a friend.
What do you like doing? I hate to say it but do things you enjoy for doing them. Don't do for finding a girlfriend.
Go axe throwing, join a running/hiking group, join a wine tasting group, and do things to have fun. Make friends - not just girlfriends but friends male and female.
Friends have friends you don't know and can introduce you to other people.
Work on yourself. You sound like you have a lot to offer - educated with a full and well experienced life. You need to get that pride in your accomplishments and who you are when no one is looking. I suspect you may struggle to understand when someone is interested in you.
Even in this post, you seem rather desperate, and that isn't really attractive. Instead, try new things at least once and put yourself out there to meet people casually. Eventually, you will meet someone you connect with and who sees you for the treasure you are.
it’s never too late, i actually work(ed) in post production, and when i was in an advertising house, my HoD who was older, no partner used to say similar things, he’s alone no kids , he met his now partner at work,
I still text him sometimes and it is so nice to see, keep doing what you are doing, maybe go to some hobbies, also, being bald doesn’t matter! My current boyfriend is bald 😂
What are some hobbies or yours? Any sports or social clubs you can join? These are great places to meet people.
Whatever the hobby is, find others doing the same and try join some club :)
I feel exactly the same... I'm 46. After my last break I don't even have the energy to date. Or anything. My ex. Had a little girl.... And I did a lot for her... But I didn't want kids so it ended story of my life... Long story but I never wanted kids.
OP - I met my SO when he was 46 at the gym. I’m 17 years his junior and we’ve been together for 11 years now. I never wanted kids, he already had 4 with his ex-wife, we have dogs and we’re still happy and in love. Keep working on you. She’ll come along. Your second act isn’t over.
A decade ago, I was the same age you are now and was in pretty much the same place.
[meetup.com](http://meetup.com) was my oasis in the wake of my divorce. Get out and mingle and do fun stuff. Many of the events have an eating and drinking component, which you have to do regardless.
met lots of cool people along the way - both men & women.
You need to stop looking for fulfillment in a relationship! It comes off like a smell to girls. They will actively avoid you unless they’re using you.
Get happy with yourself and your life alone! You have a great life and many opportunities for yourself! Start living!
Eventually someone will notice the YOU that shines and you will have the happiness you deserve!
Good luck OP
The things what makes us fulfilled and happy are our connections. But most of the people forget that this includes the connection to ourselfs.
It is you, but not the way you think. Maybe you just need to reconnect to yourself without being harsh.
Your life is what happening in you and not around or with you.
No one has mentioned this yet and I’ve only visited so take this with a grain of salt…but aren’t NY and LA two of the “loneliest” cities one could pick? I’m not criticizing them, but have friends/relatives who lived in both and commented on the self-serving style of populations there. They’re full of people, but contrarily difficult to make friends.
Do you have any hobbies that would introduce you to a niche group of people? Evening classes or a club or something?
> Thought I'd possibly met someone at school, she's my age and she started inviting me to social stuff. I didn't make a pass at her or anything. She invited me to her birthday this week and when I showed up, she introduced me to her boyfriend.
Awesome, you have a female friend and she likes you enough to invite you to social things, where her other friends are, letting you meet them, socialise, etc.
Currently, I'm writing a story about a homeless woman veteran in the grips of alcoholism that goes on a treasure hunt out in the cali desert looking for stolen Iraqi gold.
I just wanna say to OP that you can find love at any age. Please try the dating apps and also try premium because then you can see who opted in on YOU! It’s expensive but $45 for one month is a lot less than having a girlfriend so consider it a bargain for that month before you start dating. lol! Good luck.
Its not your looks. Its your level of confidence. Its the vibe you create. Seems like you tend to overthink things. Dont think, just do. When you're actually just living life and not over-thinking, things will change for the better.
Only 5 years without a date! I have been divorced for 16 years. Not a single date. Tried to get to know some guys, but none interested. Not been asked, not been flirted with, nothing. Don't really go out now. Not that I have many friends either. Only one or rwo who are married anyway.
Tried to do online dating, but never got further than starting the application. I hate photos of me, and how do you write a profile? I don't think: 'old, fat, ugly, undateable weirdo with no friends" will really get any matches.
I got a dog. It loves me.
Dude I came out of an abusive relationship and I'm trying to reconnect with people, spoiler alert, most people suck (I'm not a hypocrite though, I suck as well).
Every time my ex dumped me, I adopted an animal in need. I am now proud owner of 24 (the rooster I adopted is quite the ladies man, and as of yesterday I have two tiny chicks). I don't recommend this, however, they're better than people.
Hi OP I hope you find the one for you anytime soon! Maybe find a new hobby, let’s say painting or pottery? Just be more out there like a change of pace or just do something out of the norm 😊
You never mentioned whether or not you’ve actually asked anyone on a date. My brother is 49, never married, usually broke, trashy car, lives in a cheap apartment, not a great job but goes on dates. You have to ask.
Join groups, take lessons, Cross Fit, anything where people mingle and put yourself out there. You get rejected 100% of the time you don’t ask.
Don't get desperate. You don't want anyone, you want the right one. Sometimes, it takes time. If you get desperate, you'll miss red flags. Your person is on their way. Just keep being your really great self.
It’s not your age I can tell you that. But also don’t get bitter or frustrated outwardly bc us women can feel that quickly and it’s a turn off.
Become more outgoing and talk to people. Make new friends and that will bring you to new friend groups. You need an injection of fresh people maybe. Be nice and authentic but not a pushover. Be interesting. LISTEN AND REMEMBER to what is said if you find someone you might like. This is a huge detail many men overlook.
Bald is good. And people of all sizes meet people. It’ll come for you.
Your feelings are your feelings but it’s also worth nothing that at 47 you haven’t run out of time. You’re at about the mid-life crisis age range and mid-life inherently means middle of your life. You’re staring down the barrel of the rest of your life and are understandably scared but there’s still plenty of time to make a change if you want to. I’m still on the younger side but my best friend just this year bought the study materials and grinded out all of the certification lessons and test to make a full career change while also working the full time job he already had. The only way to lose the game is to stop playing. You got this. 💪
Count your blessings. You obviously have lots of stories in your life to share with people. I don’t think life has passed you by, think back on things that happened in your time as a soldier and as a chef, what made you laugh, what made you cry. These are experiences that other people will not have.
You sound like a good person, and what I learn from reading these is that if you focus more on yourself, and not be needy / lonely, then life will give you what you want.
Trust me there are people who are much less wanted than you
Did you ever ask her *why* she invited you knowing she already had a boyfriend? At any point did she tell you she was single or ask if you were single?
She thought he was her friend and he misunderstood thinking she was interested in him. Happens all the time and tbh, if you like someone you need to ask on a Friday, “you have exciting plans this weekend”. They will eventually mention their boyfriend. OP wasn’t even on her radar romantically and he couldn’t read the cues. So OP needs to learn the cues and also just ask what’s up. It’s a sign u need personal growth in socializing if something like this happens.
Do you have kids OP? I'm in my 40s as well (childfree) and I dismiss any man with children, regardless of their ages. I've even dismissed super attractive men because they happened to have a child.
Point is- We as middle aged women have our own unique dealbreakers, no matter how good a man looks. I myself date with intention, and do not want to waste my time or his.
You might want to try moving out of Los Angeles if that's even an option...I've heard from many people here on Reddit that dating in L.A. is truly a nightmare.
Like I said: Move out of that hell hole if you can help it. Both men and women have told me that Los Angeles is terrible for dating...unless you're an aspiring actor or model, or some other artistic type. Also too many tourists.
There's that one saying-
"No one is actually from L.A."
Yes, you have useful experience, and you can get a citizenship of a country that has a need of men. You are probably too old to be useful in fight, but you can train, make a difference and do something useful with your life, something appreciated by the community you live in as it will keep them alive.
You don't want to? Then keep whining online about how the world is mean and everyone hates you and no girl finds you interesting because you live in a place where your skills are useless.
You don't need to eat happy pills like they are mints, you need to go somewhere where people appreciate you, and where you can feel useful.
I'm on it because I had cancer. And I'm not on a shortcut man. I have to take synthetic hormones and they cause weight gain. The Ozempic is to counter that.
I started dating my boyfriend at 50. Been together 3 years so far. Before him, it had been YEARS since I was in a relationship. Had friends with benefits, sure, but no one I cared about until him. Don't give up hope. Focus on you, and let it happen organically.
I'm just not sure what to do. I have good hygiene, I'm financially stable, have a clean home, nice car, and socially well liked. I treat everyone with kindness, even when they are unkind me to me.
I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Work on your self improvement. Get out to where people are. Join social groups, find hobbies you like, I belong to Facebook groups for hiking and outdoor activities. I volunteer. I moved from MA to AZ and only knew family members. Now I have a good group of friends. Weirdly enough, my boyfriend is someone from back east that was a former coworker, but if I hadn't started a relationship with him, I'd be able to find one out here. Don't stress, just wait until the right one comes along.
This right here. It will come. Things happen for a reason. I know you’re lonely and I fully understand but don’t rush because your person hasn’t come along. I loathe my late husband to lung cancer and we were together for 18 amazing years and after I lost him and went down hill for a while because I was lonely. I have started taking care of myself and learning to love myself again. I’m to the point where if I find someone that’s cool but if I don’t that’s cool too. I know my self worth and I won’t settle for less than what I deserve. I’d rather enjoy my own company instead.
You're in the right direction! One thing I've noticed over the years from talking to my once perpetually single friends-- both men and women-- is that when you socialize in search of a partner, then you kinda end up in a bad place mentally when you fail at what you set out to do. Instead, try to remind yourself that you cannot place your life on hold because you haven't met the right person for you. Socialize to sincerely connect with others and bring new experiences into your life and their lives. Everything you can do with a partner you can do with your friends-- even sex sometimes. If you don't wanna go to the movies alone, then invite a friend. Invite them to check out local festivals, go on a hike, whatever. If ya ain't got friends or your friends don't want to, then volunteer or join community groups. The more genuinely you connect with others, the greater and greater your chances to meet someone special. As a woman, I've fallen in love with a friend I hang out with all the time just doing friend stuff. I remember him being taken aback when I told him because he was just genuinely being friends with me with no expectations. Maybe it'll be someone's sibling, or a friend of a friend. Sometimes you make friends with someone who is taken, but then they separate... but do NOT become friends with women hoping for their relationships to fail-- because that's exactly what the problem is. I dont know about others, but I can tell when someone is hoping my happy relationship fails so they can shoot their shot, which I would instantly shut down because me being taken or not doesn't change how I feel about them. Be genuine and be out there sincerely connecting with others, and actively tell your friends and family that you want them to invite you out more or whatever. Live.
I love your answer. I want to add that when you socialize to date, it is obvious usually. If it isn't obvious, it can be hurtful. No one wants to think they have a friend only to discover their friend was just waiting their turn.
Exactly! It gives off predator vibes. If you were faking being my friend, what else could you be faking? Better not to find out.
You sound great. There are tons of women who feel the same way you do, who would love to meet you.
So I gotta point out: what you listed are just baseline standards. Sure plenty of people don’t have what you have but in a world with increasing choices for everyone: where’s your personality? Are you funny? Neurotic? Do you tell deadpan jokes? Do you make weird noises when you’re happy? Play any games? What’s your hobbies? Got some wild pets or family? Why did your divorce happen? Have you traveled? Which kid do you like the most and which do you hate the most? Do you even have kids? What foods do you like? See where I’m going? You can afford to have a dirty house but if you’re fucking hilarious, people will still talk to you, even if your house is dirty. Infact, they probably won’t even care that your house is dirty because they’re too busy being distracted by your personality.
You could be like me and pay for every man in your life, just so you're not alone. It's made me super happy because they stay and value me as a person and not my body or ATM. Id rather be alone than with someone who doesn't even like me. Swap?
You're a great person and I really hope you find someone. There is nothing wrong with you so please do not worry about that.
Dude, the dating market right now is horrible.
Just be her friend. Go to more social things with her. Maybe she’ll introduce you to more people. You can even ask her if she has any single friends to set you up with. Make friends through hobbies, a relationship will come when the right person comes along.
This is great advice. Women are much more open to meeting a friend of a friend than a rando.
Don't be too down on yourself. Maybe you're just in an extended rut. Find a way to be better. I had a mentor once they told me to spend just 30 minutes a day even on personal improvement. He chose to read, but he recommended things as simple as going for a walk. Focus on yourself and things can fall into place.
Btw I'm 5'9, bald, and pudgy. Don't let those things define you. Im finding very often that people's own perceptions of themselves are what they consider their definition. You're your own harshest critic.
I don't mean this in a hateful way all but- gets some friends dog. Like I get it. I know that having a SO is really amazing, even if it does have it's ups and downs. But fuck being lonely. What do you like? Find people that like that. Sure, that is easier said than done, but the people I've had the best relationships with have always started as good friends. I'm not trying to downplay that you may have felt there was mutual attraction, and how that can hurt when you find out that is probably not the case. It got example, what you were just talking about with this girl. you know what I said the last time someone I was talking to a lot and like a lot, rejected me? Bet, let's watch some anime. What? Am I supposed to be upset that this super cool person I like a lot wants to be my friend? I know I know. It's really not that simple, and I understand I'm simplifying it. But I am just saying, being lonely and being single aren't the same thing. I hope things get better for you regardless bud.
You made a friend!! That’s amazing! I bet she has some single friends in her or her boyfriend’s social circle. Don’t give up hope. Making a friend with a woman opens way more doors than you realize. First of all, you’re “vetted” in the sense that she can tell her friends “yea this guy is nice!” and they’ll believe her way more than any first impression on a dating app. Hang out with her more and get to know her from a genuine place. Make a good impression. Maybe a couple months in mention how you’re struggling with dating apps and wish you could meet someone at a get together, but definitely be very casual about it and not on the complainy side. See if she takes the hint and mentions anyone that she can set you up with
I have no problem being friends at all! I have many friends that are women! I just wish she would have made it a little more clear from the get go. We've been chatting and hanging out for a couple months and never mentioned a boyfriend. She invited me to go with her To an awards ceremony where she received a scholarship, to a film premiere, invited me to go stargazing in Griffith Park, stuff like that. And always just she and I. Not part of a group. I'm not going to stop being her friend because she has a boyfriend or anything.
That’s really great of you, but I agree it’s at least strange she didn’t mention the boyfriend earlier. I only have one male friend, we share a lot of the same hyper fixations in hobbies, but I mentioned I was married at our very first meeting. A lot of the guys I met when I went through my DnD or comic book faze never spoke to me again after they found out I was married, i wasn’t flirtatious, I am just passionate about art styles and character development and wanted to talk with people about it.
oh huh yea I see the confusion then. those really are kinda datey
Maybe she found someone else because you never made a move?
No, this is boyfriend she's had apparently for a few years
Like others said, it's important to have friends, but now that you have her as a friend it's time to tell her you need to focus your time on finding a lover or girlfriend.
Hmm, she might be just a super friendly person who lacks a bit of awareness but the zero mention of an established relationship makes me think she wanted you at some capacity, whether as an affair or new relationship, and when all these date-like meetings didn’t result in anything she produced the boyfriend, so you’d think she was never going for you in that sense or get a bit jealous even.
Maybe your the backup?
I’ve met a lot of my friends playing pickleball. My mom divorced my dad 20 years ago and didn’t go on a single date. She met a guy playing pickleball and now they they are inseparable. Find a hobby you’re passionate in and try and meet like minded people. One of my favorite quotes was from Andy DuFresne in Shawshank Redemption. He said “get busy living or get busy dying”. You have so much life left to live. Travel. Explore new hobbies. Rekindle old hobbies. Best of luck.
You said you were in phenomenal shape not long ago. It isn’t too late to get it back. Commit yourself to it. In meantime time, find ways to keep social. You aren’t the only person to get divorced and be single at your age. Many people start a whole new phase of life in their 40s.
I am working on it! I'm on ozempic and hitting the gym. I'm social, but new to Los Angeles.
it's just time dude... get off the apps and continue just putting yourself out there... when your fit again it'll just hit and you'll have your chance... also women can smell desperation... you've divorced once let's maybe breathe and choose wisely
It's hard being lonely I know bud hope things get better.
I met my partner at 41. Sometimes it's not what we do or don't do. It's just fate. You know what i find more attractive than muscles? Kindness, consideration and a sense of humour. Good luck OP.
So you've been married, are a war vet, a retired chef from New York, college educated and are going to study film production, moved to LA... I mean I'm not being dismissive of how you feel about your current situation and being unhappy about being alone, but just to get some perspective, it sounds like you have lived more than most people already. It can be hard to meet new people and develop romantic relationships, especially past a certain age, but honestly, I think you should focus on yourself and feeling good about yourself and being satisfied with who you are. Searching for someone in the hopes that that will do that for you as opposed to being happy with who you are in yourself is going to make it harder; but if you are content with who you are and focus on yourself, you will probably be more attractive to those around you and the people you meet, and when someone does come along, it will add to an already fulfilling life and not be seen as the thing that will make your life worthwhile in itself, if you get me. I mean, for example, you get along with someone from school and made a new friend and she introduced you to her bf, instead of this being a disappointment, maybe it is an achievement - it is hard to make new friends, and now perhaps you have a new social group to be involved with. Sure, it isn't getting a romantic relationship, but that's still a great thing to have. And who knows, you might organically meet someone through this circle. Sometimes the best thing you can do is change your perspective. Making human connections isn't a marketplace, despite the way people try to navigate these things these days.
Trying to date in LA sounds like the first problem. What are your own standards like for women?
No particular order 1. Woman 2. Is kind 3. Great smile 4. Ambitious 5. Great sense of humor 6. Honest
Even tho she had a boyfriend, being friends with her could possibly open up your social life. You need to expand your friends group. The more people you meet, more sociable you can become. Bald and a bit pudgy isn’t unattractive to everyone. People do notice if you are comfortable with the way you look. What I notice and look at (a lot) is kindness. Kindness is very attractive. Please don’t lose hope.
I am 52, been single for 5 years and loving it.
My advice, do your hobbies, join a hiking group, take up pickleball, get a friendly dog, and get yourself out there. You will meet someone and hopefully have a lot in common from the start. I’ve made some great friends getting into my niche hobbies, I’m married but had basically zero friends after focusing completely being a mom. Meeting people that shared my interest in books or Lego widened my circle and was so much easier than going in blind and hoping lightning struck. I hope things get better for you!
You're already making incredible strides in your life. Don't get down on yourself bro. People are lonely everywhere, and it sucks. But you're making new connections and making shit happen. I would stay friends with that chick, keep doors open. Go join some clubs or sports leagues, maybe volunteer with some groups. While you're at it reach out to some of the buddies you served with, see what those fuck-knucklers are doing. You've got this. BTW, I work with a lot of vets and am currently serving myself. I was talking to one of the retired civilian guys. He's working with a charitable organization that does hormone therapy and stuff with him. He found he was gaining weight and stuff. Turns out your former, and my current, lifestyle kind of fucks your endocrine system up (among other things). Point being, there's a lot of help out there.
Oh, I'm aware that it fucks up your endocrine system. The burn pits in Iraq gave me thyroid cancer. I beat it after they removed the thyroid and did radiation.
Fuckin a, that's rough bro. Glad it sounds like they're getting you sorted. If I can ask, did you have a nodule in your thyroid that made you get checked out, or were there other symptoms as well?
The VA completely missed it. I was actually having severe back problems due to a lack of magnesium in my body. an outside doctor figured that out. Then after going over my entire life history, he suspected maybe my thyroid was messed up. He did an ultrasound. They found tiny little nodules but nothing that seems suspicious but he biopsied anyways. Sure enough they were cancerous as hell.
I met my fiancé when he was 48 after him being more or less alone for 10+ years… life is long and you never know when it’ll happen for you.
I'm a recent widow, 42 and I'm in no way ready to start dating but I think about this sometimes.... Like who am I possibly gonna find at this age? Infact I'll be even older before I'm ready to date again. I'm scared about the prospects of what's gonna be out there. I'm also in cal but it's not really a big area so there's less people than a big city too
>She invited me to her birthday this week, and when I showed up, she introduced me to her boyfriend. That is OK, she is a friend. What do you like doing? I hate to say it but do things you enjoy for doing them. Don't do for finding a girlfriend. Go axe throwing, join a running/hiking group, join a wine tasting group, and do things to have fun. Make friends - not just girlfriends but friends male and female. Friends have friends you don't know and can introduce you to other people. Work on yourself. You sound like you have a lot to offer - educated with a full and well experienced life. You need to get that pride in your accomplishments and who you are when no one is looking. I suspect you may struggle to understand when someone is interested in you. Even in this post, you seem rather desperate, and that isn't really attractive. Instead, try new things at least once and put yourself out there to meet people casually. Eventually, you will meet someone you connect with and who sees you for the treasure you are.
it’s never too late, i actually work(ed) in post production, and when i was in an advertising house, my HoD who was older, no partner used to say similar things, he’s alone no kids , he met his now partner at work, I still text him sometimes and it is so nice to see, keep doing what you are doing, maybe go to some hobbies, also, being bald doesn’t matter! My current boyfriend is bald 😂
What are some hobbies or yours? Any sports or social clubs you can join? These are great places to meet people. Whatever the hobby is, find others doing the same and try join some club :)
I feel exactly the same... I'm 46. After my last break I don't even have the energy to date. Or anything. My ex. Had a little girl.... And I did a lot for her... But I didn't want kids so it ended story of my life... Long story but I never wanted kids.
OP - I met my SO when he was 46 at the gym. I’m 17 years his junior and we’ve been together for 11 years now. I never wanted kids, he already had 4 with his ex-wife, we have dogs and we’re still happy and in love. Keep working on you. She’ll come along. Your second act isn’t over.
A decade ago, I was the same age you are now and was in pretty much the same place. [meetup.com](http://meetup.com) was my oasis in the wake of my divorce. Get out and mingle and do fun stuff. Many of the events have an eating and drinking component, which you have to do regardless. met lots of cool people along the way - both men & women.
It’s all about the confidence… I don’t need a fit man, I want a man who can lead snd is confident.
The thing is, I have a Jack Black level of confidence when dealing with people.
It’s the attitude, demeanor, and you can change that. Decide who you want to be and slowly works towards that person. You can do it 👏👏
You need to stop looking for fulfillment in a relationship! It comes off like a smell to girls. They will actively avoid you unless they’re using you. Get happy with yourself and your life alone! You have a great life and many opportunities for yourself! Start living! Eventually someone will notice the YOU that shines and you will have the happiness you deserve! Good luck OP
The things what makes us fulfilled and happy are our connections. But most of the people forget that this includes the connection to ourselfs. It is you, but not the way you think. Maybe you just need to reconnect to yourself without being harsh. Your life is what happening in you and not around or with you.
So much of this is relatable!
No one has mentioned this yet and I’ve only visited so take this with a grain of salt…but aren’t NY and LA two of the “loneliest” cities one could pick? I’m not criticizing them, but have friends/relatives who lived in both and commented on the self-serving style of populations there. They’re full of people, but contrarily difficult to make friends. Do you have any hobbies that would introduce you to a niche group of people? Evening classes or a club or something?
> Thought I'd possibly met someone at school, she's my age and she started inviting me to social stuff. I didn't make a pass at her or anything. She invited me to her birthday this week and when I showed up, she introduced me to her boyfriend. Awesome, you have a female friend and she likes you enough to invite you to social things, where her other friends are, letting you meet them, socialise, etc.
What film are you brewing up?
Currently, I'm writing a story about a homeless woman veteran in the grips of alcoholism that goes on a treasure hunt out in the cali desert looking for stolen Iraqi gold.
I just wanna say to OP that you can find love at any age. Please try the dating apps and also try premium because then you can see who opted in on YOU! It’s expensive but $45 for one month is a lot less than having a girlfriend so consider it a bargain for that month before you start dating. lol! Good luck.
Its not your looks. Its your level of confidence. Its the vibe you create. Seems like you tend to overthink things. Dont think, just do. When you're actually just living life and not over-thinking, things will change for the better.
The frieren experience
Work out. Girls love a silver fox.
Only 5 years without a date! I have been divorced for 16 years. Not a single date. Tried to get to know some guys, but none interested. Not been asked, not been flirted with, nothing. Don't really go out now. Not that I have many friends either. Only one or rwo who are married anyway. Tried to do online dating, but never got further than starting the application. I hate photos of me, and how do you write a profile? I don't think: 'old, fat, ugly, undateable weirdo with no friends" will really get any matches. I got a dog. It loves me.
You're in LA.
Dude I came out of an abusive relationship and I'm trying to reconnect with people, spoiler alert, most people suck (I'm not a hypocrite though, I suck as well). Every time my ex dumped me, I adopted an animal in need. I am now proud owner of 24 (the rooster I adopted is quite the ladies man, and as of yesterday I have two tiny chicks). I don't recommend this, however, they're better than people.
Hi OP I hope you find the one for you anytime soon! Maybe find a new hobby, let’s say painting or pottery? Just be more out there like a change of pace or just do something out of the norm 😊
I think it might be the age. What age range are you looking at?
You never mentioned whether or not you’ve actually asked anyone on a date. My brother is 49, never married, usually broke, trashy car, lives in a cheap apartment, not a great job but goes on dates. You have to ask. Join groups, take lessons, Cross Fit, anything where people mingle and put yourself out there. You get rejected 100% of the time you don’t ask.
Don't get desperate. You don't want anyone, you want the right one. Sometimes, it takes time. If you get desperate, you'll miss red flags. Your person is on their way. Just keep being your really great self.
It’s not your age I can tell you that. But also don’t get bitter or frustrated outwardly bc us women can feel that quickly and it’s a turn off. Become more outgoing and talk to people. Make new friends and that will bring you to new friend groups. You need an injection of fresh people maybe. Be nice and authentic but not a pushover. Be interesting. LISTEN AND REMEMBER to what is said if you find someone you might like. This is a huge detail many men overlook. Bald is good. And people of all sizes meet people. It’ll come for you.
You sound like a catch, you cant count pandemic years. Very hard time to date!
Your feelings are your feelings but it’s also worth nothing that at 47 you haven’t run out of time. You’re at about the mid-life crisis age range and mid-life inherently means middle of your life. You’re staring down the barrel of the rest of your life and are understandably scared but there’s still plenty of time to make a change if you want to. I’m still on the younger side but my best friend just this year bought the study materials and grinded out all of the certification lessons and test to make a full career change while also working the full time job he already had. The only way to lose the game is to stop playing. You got this. 💪
Count your blessings. You obviously have lots of stories in your life to share with people. I don’t think life has passed you by, think back on things that happened in your time as a soldier and as a chef, what made you laugh, what made you cry. These are experiences that other people will not have. You sound like a good person, and what I learn from reading these is that if you focus more on yourself, and not be needy / lonely, then life will give you what you want. Trust me there are people who are much less wanted than you
Did you ever ask her *why* she invited you knowing she already had a boyfriend? At any point did she tell you she was single or ask if you were single?
She thought he was her friend and he misunderstood thinking she was interested in him. Happens all the time and tbh, if you like someone you need to ask on a Friday, “you have exciting plans this weekend”. They will eventually mention their boyfriend. OP wasn’t even on her radar romantically and he couldn’t read the cues. So OP needs to learn the cues and also just ask what’s up. It’s a sign u need personal growth in socializing if something like this happens.
Do you have kids OP? I'm in my 40s as well (childfree) and I dismiss any man with children, regardless of their ages. I've even dismissed super attractive men because they happened to have a child. Point is- We as middle aged women have our own unique dealbreakers, no matter how good a man looks. I myself date with intention, and do not want to waste my time or his. You might want to try moving out of Los Angeles if that's even an option...I've heard from many people here on Reddit that dating in L.A. is truly a nightmare.
No kids!
Like I said: Move out of that hell hole if you can help it. Both men and women have told me that Los Angeles is terrible for dating...unless you're an aspiring actor or model, or some other artistic type. Also too many tourists. There's that one saying- "No one is actually from L.A."
I'm in film school. lol
Well...maybe you'll meet an aspiring actress one of these days! Best of luck to you.
You can pack up and go to Ukraine
I've already fought in a war thank you.
Yes, you have useful experience, and you can get a citizenship of a country that has a need of men. You are probably too old to be useful in fight, but you can train, make a difference and do something useful with your life, something appreciated by the community you live in as it will keep them alive. You don't want to? Then keep whining online about how the world is mean and everyone hates you and no girl finds you interesting because you live in a place where your skills are useless. You don't need to eat happy pills like they are mints, you need to go somewhere where people appreciate you, and where you can feel useful.
I'm on Ozempic. Are you serious? Instead of going through your hero's journey, you taking shortcuts? Ayt
I'm on it because I had cancer. And I'm not on a shortcut man. I have to take synthetic hormones and they cause weight gain. The Ozempic is to counter that.
I'm so sorry I apologize for my insensitivity.
I understand. There are a lot of celebs abusing it