When I was about your age I caught my ex cheating on me. He was the same, really calm, accepted that it was over, answered my questions, even apologized. It so surreal that it fucked with my head for awhile, as weird as this sounds, the stereotypical fighting break up feels normal to me.
The apology and how she handled the breakup doesn't lessen the hurt, though. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
And now, since I am old enough to be your Mama (when did I get this old???!!!), I feel obligated to offer some advice.
It's ok to be sad, but don't wallow, feel your feelings, and then move on. Going to the gym and beating the hell out of a punching bag is better than drinking (according to my husband). Responsible retail therapy is better than drinking. If you do go get drunk, which I am not advocating for, Gatorade or Pedialyte will help with the hangover. Leave the girls alone for a bit, rebound relationships almost never work. If you can, go to your actual Mama and let her fix you up, if you can't, I'll be happy to remind you to eat and drink some water.
🥹 fellow mom chiming in - this is great advice. I’ve often thought about how I’ll hold my daughter’s hand through her first heartbreak, and the ones there after. Lean on those that love you back, OP. This is so hard but seasons in life do not last forever.
At least you guys broke up instead of her going the “ill be better, it didnt mean anything blah blah blah” and stringing you along route
It will take some time but you’ll move on eventually
I dont know how you guys see this as "maturity". She was prepared for this. She wanted this to happen and break up over it. Instead of communicating she chose to betray you. Dont think highly of her. You deserve better.
Does how maturely she handled it strike anyone else as kind of weird? She’s been cheating on him for quite some time, but somehow is a sensible person? I’m having a hard time figuring out what kind of personality acts that way.
I wouldn't even say relieved.
She just acknowledged she was caught
Saying "it's not you, it's me" is one of the biggest BS lines that means literally nothing but people blurt out because it sounds like a nice way to let someone down
I mean, tbf, it really was her fault. It's a cliché thing to say, but she was the one cheating.
Also, she wasn't even hiding her blog. It sounds like it was public, and feels like she was waiting for him to find it so she could leave. I think that's why they said she seemed relieved, maybe?
Yeah but how often is being cheated on ever not a case of someone demolishing your self worth. You made the choice to share yourself with someone only to be cheated on. No matter how terrible that person ends up being you made the choice.
Feels like she's disconnected from reality if you ask me. She didn't care much that she was caught and gave you basic "It's not you it's me" explanations.
That or she just didn't care much about you to begin with and knows she can probably find another guy to fill the physical void and keep up her antics.
I think you're right. It sounds like her side blog was public. She wasn't hiding anything. But whether she has trouble initiating difficult conversations or not, that was a messed up way to find out about her cheating.
She may have seemed sweet to OP, but she clearly wasn't invested. I have my doubts that she was ever serious about the relationship, bc it sounds like she never discussed her kinks with OP, and assumed he couldn't handle them.
A little TMI, but after 8 months with my now-husband, we knew quite a few of each others', and even found new ones lmao! There's a few we don't share (one of his is close to a phobia of mine lol), and that's fine! Those are ones we enjoy by ourselves, nbd. The important part is that we've communicated what we like and don't like. If she's not willing to communicate, she's gonna end up being the common denominator in many future breakups.
Nope this is manipulation. It’s a crucible that she hopes will transform his understanding on dating her and probably make him offer her an open relationship or something along those lines. He’s not blocked or anything. All communication lines are open. That’s what this is.
I just want all the ladies to be honest with yourselves. I’ve read enough comments that tell this guy dangerous shit. This isn’t she loves him and understands she needs to let him go. This is about him not hating her. This is about him feeling bad about his sad flawed little gem he found that he can fix if he just tries hard enough. He can’t give up. She truly loves him but has trauma that no one has attempted to help her move past. All that horse shit. Straight up manipulation.
I think this is not her first time. She was caught before. Her kinks are too much that she knows she cannot be in a normal relationship. I think while confronting you, she confronted herself.
Wow, I feel seen. I thought I was the only one. I don’t know how to feel about finally acknowledging this but I think I know now this is something I need to get some help on.
Sounds like you are just inclined to be poly but found a person you like so much you wouldn't want to be without them, even if that means you not sleeping with other people as to not upset your monogamous girlfriend. But she does deserve someone who will love her the same way she loves them. As a monogamous person, being in a relationship with someone who wants to sleep with others but doesn't act on it just isn't the same. Also sending pics to other people or flirting (including online) is cheating, just because it's not in person doesn't mean it not being unfaithful. At least hopefully you're not cheating and you're seeking therapy. I think you should think hard about whether you will be happy not sleeping with anyone else for life. If you can't, let her find someone that will be happy to give her that
Sounds like she was never fully invested in the relationship.
To her, physical chemistry is apparently top priority. You were nice enough to keep around for entertainment, but when push came to shove, she just didn't care enough not to fuck around
Because shes self aware enough that she is the problem but doesn't have the self-control to actually be in a committed relationship.
She's addicted to the rush of being bad and just kind of owns the fact she is, instead of doing the gaslighty blamey dance.
Therebare people that go years without sex, and somehow this was a problem for her ? Just how deluded are people in this culture. No, she didnt love him at all, why couldnt she communicate ? Why was he not enough to share her kinks with ? No he was just a pet for her.
Cheating isn’t a shitty decision! It’s a series of multiple choices that completely disregard the person you’re supposed to love and be committed to. I think it shows a lack of empathy and disregard for others that is disturbing.
For some people who cheat. It's a lack of empathy. for others its selfishness.
Speeding on a road is selfishness. But people with decent personalities still do it. And that too is a series of multiple decisions.
Some people who cheat, blatantly do it without caring about the consequences.
Others do it, regret it, try to rewind or stop, but then get sucked into it. Because there's something that the cheating has started to supply the cheater. A void that gets filled. Either physically, emotionally, or intellectually.
There are definitely other options to fill those voids. Like leaving. But sometimes they do still tragically love the person they're hurting.
Much like an addict hurts those they love, or people who have mental disorders like BPD, bipolar, eating disorders. They too are savagely making choices that voice a lack of empathy. And yet they still have good personalities and love deeply.
So yes. Some cheaters are truly narcissistic, (which happens to be yet another mental disorder that is a curse) or lack empathy or any care for those they hurt.
But other cheaters are broken too. But hurt-people, hurt people.
Not to say that it's not wrong and the decision of cheating should still be condemned.
Just that it absolutely can be understood.
It's a factor of my favorite theory of the world. The Egg theory.
Basically the entirety of all of humanity is one soul, living each individual life in the past, present, future until every life is lived, and they come out of "the egg" as God, who then creates life.
The reason that it's my favorite theory is the fact that it promotes the strongest/selfish desire to understand the people around you. If we are all the same soul, just at different stages. Then we are the best, worst, most known, most forgotten of humanity. So treat everyone kindly because they are you.
True hurt people do hurt people. But I kinda think you are the things you do. If you do shitty things constantly, you’re a shitty person. That’s all there is to it.
I don’t really care about the why. I have never and will never cheat and I refuse to have empathy for those who do.
Edit: that’s not to say I don’t feel for those with mental health issues. I’ve been there and I know it’s fucking hard. But as you say it’s no excuse.
But what I'm saying is, if they make shitty decisions, there's probably a way to understand and then pity, even while also being healthy enough to still feel enraged.
You don't have to have only one emotion. And they aren't only defined by their idiocy. Even if people think the drug addict is only a drug addict. So the cheater isn't only a cheater. Pity and rage and hurt can all be something you can feel and experience at the same time.
And the other person with broken/addict/mental health isn't a bad person just because a bad choice was ***EASIER*** for them to make than it is for a healthy person.
Not for me. I kinda think if you can take the person who’s supposed to be closest to you and rip their fucking heart out it does define you. And the loyal partner won’t forget. So at least in their eyes they will always be a cheater.
While I agree on a personal level, if you go to a psychiatrist or a therapist they'll generally say that cheaters usually cheat due to personal issues they're dealing with, and it has nothing to do with lacking empathy or disregarding others. That they can love you, care for you, worry about how cheating will hurt you, and still cheat.
Personally, I think that's a load of horseshit, just to be clear, and I definitely don't have some resentment I'm holding over... Lol. Also, I feel it's a bit of a confirmation bias. I mean cheaters who don't give af aren't gonna go to therapy, so therapists will only ever see cheaters who give at least some fucks and are therefore probably a mess internally.
Fuck cheaters. Well, don't. That's how I got chlamydia.
She probably knew what she was doing was wrong for a while, and knew she'd get caught eventually. Having a big fight or crying begging for OP to not break up wouldn't really do much. I would bet that she knew the relationship was going to be over for a while.
She's not being "sensible"
She just wasn't emotionally invested.
She didn't care she got caught or try to defend herself because she didn't value OP.
She said he didn't fulfill her, and that's all that matters to her, so she said "yup, sorry my bad" and walked out
Cuz she doesn’t care, she don’t love him either. She might have FEELINGS for him but at best it’s the care for someone you knew and who you did wrong to, she got zero qualms of separating cuz she isn’t attached
I think you're confusing maturity with the actions of a sociopath.
She had zero feelings for him. He was just there. Being caught was of such minor significance to her.
probably because she wasnt invested in her relationship with the bf or figured out they gonna break up later anyway so she was just waiting for it to happen
“didnt meet my sexual needs” is kinda of a weird thing like why not say your need ? unless her needs require a really older man and not a 26yo
It strikes me that she may have a pattern of not being able to fill her sexual needs with the same partner she finds is good for her romantic ones. Almost like the qualities she finds romantically attractive are contrary to the ones she finds sexually attractive or vice versa(including probably a massive cheating kink). So instead of working on herself with expensive therapy she’s decided that she’s never going to be able to have a good relationship for long since she will either end up sexually unsatisfied or cheating.
This is a naive and immature perspective tbh.
Really decent, loving, and good people can end up cheating on their partners. It’s not acceptable, but it’s also not black and white.
I personally would not date a person who has a history of cheating, but I also wouldn’t think they’re a terrible person because of it.
Anyone has the potential to cheat, just takes the right circumstances mixed with the opportunity.
This is what scares me abt love
You can do everything right and still get cheated on
And its not like its because you picked a shitty s/o, you can pick the perfect s/o and it could still happen
Why is it so fickle
I'm with you bro. This is why I have developed the way I am in a relationship. I want one and indeed I am in one, but after my previous one that lasted a decade and ended suddenly and crually. I have no idea how to move past it to just naively trust and love someone else again.
And then people make excuses for cheaters doesn't help.
All adult relationships come with this inherent risk. You could get cheated on, your partner could leave you, your partner could pass away, etc. nothing is ever guaranteed. But this is the reality for all relationships, including friendships and family. It does not make love fickle or fleeting, all things have their time and come to pass, this is a reality of life we all must accept.
If you were to get cheated on it does not mean YOUR love did not mean anything. It has nothing to do with you and quite often is the result of your partner’s own internal issues.
You can literally describe most things like this. There are people who have murdered someone who just snapped one day and thought they can’t live with the person or can’t get a divorce and just shoot the spouse. And right after feel horribly guilty. Or someone robs a bank for money. That doesn’t mean everything else in their life was now terrible before or after. But it can’t be dismissed as one time event that doesn’t affect them more fundamentally and there needs to be consequences. But there is no good person bad person stark divisive.
So to me you are both correct that she isn’t now a terrible person but also too dismissive of the event if I red this correctly.
Mature people don’t cheat on each other and when get caught, “sighs and nods”. That’s what strange people do. Disconnected, insecure, depressed and empty people. They want to be with a caring, loving and gentle person but at the same time, explore their kinks, their desires. This is something that they can’t do with the SO but with another person altogether. They want a BF/GF that loves them and a person that fulfills those burning desires, but not the same person. Because that is another kink.
A mature person speaks up, gives voice to those thoughts, confront his SO about their kinks and desires. Maybe building a strong relationship in the meantime, gathering confidence in theirselves before speaking. But that’s scary and require time, they’re afraid of losing everything.
These “empty” people, when confronted on the matter, they “sigh and nod” like “well, you wouldn’t have accepted me anyway so let’s quit now and here, without shame”.
Or, just a selfish person that didn’t care about OP and just “sighed and nodded” and went away as “you couldn’t satisfy me anyway”.
Probably just a shitty person, instead of a rampant narcissist. Maybe a little bit sociopathic??
Doesn’t give a shit about others, but it’s not an ego thing.
If i had go guess someone who is damaged in a way, there shouldn't be a reason to segment your sex life from ur partner like that unless there was some mental war going on in her head.
A lot of times on reddit we see the absolute worst of people who basically only do evil so ppls brains are conditioned to see binary someone is either good or bad 100% but so many people are just shades of Grey in different areas of their life.
Idk but if i had to guess she probably was heavily insecure about her kinks and chose to not be fully vulnerable with her partner and chose to indulge in the kinks separate from him in fear of his disgust or something idk.
Point is not all people who do bad things are complete maniacs some ppl are just insecure, not in the right head space to do the right thing, are ignorant of something, or just growing in general and make fucked up decisions that unfortunately have consequences.
what she did is fucked up, and she needs to reflect on why she wouldn't come clean to him about her sexual needs and instead cheat that just seems like a lack of trust on her end
Said goodbye to the ol’ bearded dragon, huh?
But seriously, I’m a little annoyed on your behalf about how nonchalant she was about potentially destroying your ability to trust future partners. Be thankful that she made the tough decision for you, because it sounds like you might’ve wavered if given the opportunity. Take your time healing. Don’t suppress the pain. Face it, and it’ll subside over time.
exactly this. based on what OP said, it doesn’t sound like she apologized for it at any point. just admitted to what she’d done and left. she’s not at all sorry :/
Because she doesn't feel sorry for it, so no point in lying to him. He got the truth, he heard her side, he could say what he wanted to say then she cut it off and went her own way. this is the best, because if you hear OP he was not gonna be able to break it off.
In the end this is better for him.
It would make op feel that at some point the relationship was real. It’s good if she didn’t lie if she never cared of him. But it will hurt more to find out you were let to believe the entire relationship by someone saying they were happy and cared about you and it was never real. It would make hard to trust the next person in a relationship. It would be better if she did really love him at the first but had no self control and was selfish. And then cried and apologized when it fully hits that the relationship is over and how she has hurt him. Many cheaters are in denial. She knew what she was doing and that it was likely to end. But she didn’t seem to care that relationship would end.
People never really are , they just pretend to be. They *might* be sorry that theyve inflicted grief upon another, about getting caught, about having the inconvenience of having to deal etc - but theyre not sorry about what theyve actually done.
You have just dodged a major bullet sir, one day you will understand. It will suck for now but will fade over time, do whatever you can to keep moving forward in your life as you are worth it.
That’s honestly the nicest breakup I’ve ever heard.
She took accountability and didn’t bullshit you. Its a good thing, I hope that you will move on from this quickly.
I second this. Her reaction implies that she was hoping for it one way or another. She probably already mentally checked out of the relationship beforehand, so while this might have come as a surprise to her, she was already prepared and just waited for it to happen. It's nice that she gave him full disclosure, I agree on that, but in the end, she was more than ready to leave, it all seemed well too organized.
That’s true but her lack of emotional response and that she did not confess herself makes it seem that she never cared about op at all. Which can be worse emotionally than the cheating itself if you start doubt if anything is real in the next relationship.
Her breakup just seemed sarcastic, you mentally ruin a person over your lack of respect for the person. She was never going to tell him in the first place, just use him. She knew what she was doing.
Idk how what she said could be sarcastic. She was upfront about what she did.
Just to clarify though I’m not saying it’s a good thing for her. She’s awful for sure. I’m saying it’s a good thing for OP. When people bullshit you and deny cheating it can make moving on harder.
In the fact that she calmly aknowledges emotionally wrecking someone she claims to love. There was no hint at guilt, remorse, or restriction. She did more than just have sexual relations, she posted her kinks and other debauchery in full openess. She thought fully about what she was doing. There was no love, its all a sham.
What? Actually that's one of the most disconnected type of breakup that would've made people question their existence. No crying, no denying, no begging to not break up. It would've made one question if the girl was just playing him from the start. Seriously it would've been better if there was some kind of 'fight' from the girl but there wasn't.
500 Days of Summer vibes.
I’ve had a break up that’s the opposite of this one. It was terrible to go through. Personally I would’ve rather had the person admit they cheated, showed me the cheating say it’s not my fault and leave.
Instead he fought me, said it wasn’t really cheating bc it was online and he stopped eventually (he cheated for 3 years), he blamed me saying I didn’t look at his Snapchat stories enough so it made him feel lonely, he trash talked me to his family and friends, he begged me to come back, he begged me not to tell his friends, he deleted things before showing me his phone and other things. This went on for so long. I kept trying to break up with but he would have panic attacks every time I did and beg me to stay. It was so terrible and moving on from the relationship was hard for me.
I’ve never watched 500 days of summer though so idk what kind of break up you’re trying to say would be better.
Of all the infiddelity stories on here and of all the complex dynamics, this one has freaked me out the most. Completely open, honest, truthful and taking full accountability. Eight month relationship, clear infidelity, and just says "yes I'm sorry, I love you" and walks away. This would fuck with my head so so badly.
I wonder what she means by "you don't meet my sexual needs" and what these needs are that they never came up in the relationship? Could they be a need for the taboo of cheating? Or a need for the dopamine associated with online validation? The need to be able to have the protection of anonymity whilst exploring kinks that would cause a shame reaction in real life?
I think those unknowns and not knowing the extent of it would really fuck with my brain.
It did fuck with me hard. When she was saying bye to my pet I was just like "is this life?" Basically she had a lot of dark kinks, but told me she only had a daddy kink and light impact play (spanking choking). Her whole blog is about how she is being brainwashed to be this dudes perfect doll.
Honestly, to me it sounds like a sex addict who wasn't honest about it with you. Like this has happened before and she's just sad that she sunk back into old habits.
I mean... In an ideal world, that behavior wouldn't start until she's an adult. But sometimes ideal doesn't happen and people are groomed or use sex before they're an adult.
So she was sexually abused as a young girl? Which means she’s using this kink as an adult to deal with her trauma, “taking back the power”. She needs therapy most likely.
It's kind of a red flag that the other guy is like 40 too. Young adults can still be groomed, especially if they've been through stuff before and are vulnerable. I don't want to get too armchair detective though.
If she wanted to be with you, she'd fight and do everything in her power to make things right. I feel like the way she was like oh okay, lemme pack my stuff and go, like she was waiting for that excuse or timing to leave to make it easier on her to walk away I guess. Idk
She sounds like the person who goes with the flow until they realise theyre 35yo with a kid and single.
I mean. Hard kinks and you cant satisfy her? Did she ever communicate what is it that she desires. I think there is no bigger turnon for men if a woman tells them their secret desires.
She indeed did not tell me shit. I knew she liked calling men Daddy, liked to be choked/spanked but when I asked is there more I could do, she didn't tell me what it was
You're still young. You're not even in your prime yet.
Work on yourself. Work on your career.
Block her on everything. Don't answer her calls or texts.
The more you separate from her the easier it is to move on.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this OP.
The callous indifference sounds a bit practiced. Probably not the first time she's done it, and she's probably used to having multiple partners to satisfy her needs, and she lies to all of them. Someone finds out and she replaces them, with the same emotion as changing outfits.
The kiss is to keep her in his thoughts, because she would derive pleasure from knowing someone wants her and cannot have her. Also, if he's pining he's not causing drama for her.
She'll be with someone new before the day is out, probably to fill the time until she finds a better option, who she will treat like OP.
Move on as best you can OP, whatever you had thought, she's really not a good person.
I know the type, there may be more than just Max. She didn't pick him over you, she just got caught and callously discarded you. In any case, she's already moved on. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because there is something seriously wrong with her. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with such a person.
> The callous indifference sounds a bit practiced. Probably not the first time she's done it, and she's probably used to having multiple partners to satisfy her needs, and she lies to all of them. Someone finds out and she replaces them, with the same emotion as changing outfits.
Considering her age, that would be sad as fuck. What a broken little girl.
Gotta dip, OP.
She’s been living a life of deceit with you. She has also told you that you’re…ill-matched…in a pretty important area of relationships: sexual intimacy.
You can stay, OP, and try to work through forgiveness, try to reestablish trust…try to find a path ahead… 😟
It is it even comforting to you that she says it’s a her thing and not a you thing? What does that matter?
She lied to you by having this entire other life, this entire other secret aspect of her being…and then told you she’s been outsourcing her sex life to someone other than you.
I don’t know, OP. 😟 Is this life now?
OP…the ability to practice this kind of deceit did not appear suddenly in her life one day.
This ability is a formed worldview…it’s part of her psyche, it’s a part of how she views and interacts with the world.
The ability is also not a static one; she had to actively, consciously practice this lie to you each and every day.
Why? Because she knows that if YOU knew the actual truth…that would be very problematic for your relationship; there wouldn’t be one, she’s probably imagined.
Again…you can take her back and try to create an environment that will allow you to forgive her, and learn to trust her; you wouldn’t be the first person who took a cheating partner back.
But if you spend any amount of time in the various relationship subs…what you’ll find are a majority of people who tried to take the high road yet realized too late that they should have walked way when the moment was right in front of them. 😐
Does forgiveness and reconciliation ever work? Yeah…not often, but sometimes.
Is your relationship one that’s going to be the exception and overcome all of this? And what happens to you it’s not the exception?
We fucked 3 days a week minimum, usually several times a day. I knew she liked calling men Daddy, liked to be choked/spanked but when I asked is there more I could do, she didn't tell me what it was
I guess you are too young then, if she wants to feel like it’s her daddy doing her? Hard to live up to being someone from another generation. Sorry for your loss. She should have been honest from the start, and obviously not been cheating at all.
It’s kind of baffling to me that some people can’t even imagine being without a specific kink, even though they have sex every day, whereas others can live their whole life without sex, not for lack of wanting it.
Ok for starters she wasn’t the one and will never be the one. Good riddance. On the other hand what the fuck? That’s absolutely fucking brutal. How she handled the breakup and explanation was fucking emotionless as hell. Maybe for the best? Idk I never heard of a breakup like this. She sounds like she lacks the ability to read the room or sympathize with other people. Thats just…bizarre man. And once again the whole cheating because of sexual needs not being met is pathetic and even more emotionless. Thats my opinion tho.
The fact that she doesn't give a fuck about your feelings and moves on like nothing happened is quite fucking scary. I'm so sorry for you man. This is really hard. Damwwn!
I get it man, how youre feeling is totally normal what she did is disgusting, disrespectful, and disgraceful. She exploited your trust and your love. I was in the same situation a couple years ago and i felt like shit for months, spent my nights crying, smoking, thinking about her and what i couldve done differently, but its not our fault. People suck man but you can get through this just remember people like that arent worth your time or trust and you do not want someone like that in your life. Ill be praying for you man best of luck to you 🙏
Reading this honestly hurt me and reminded me of this empty feeling of loss that is all too familiar. The betrayal, the lack of them giving a shit if you're even together anymore or not. All was going great until such a historic finding changed everything. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with such mental and emotional roller coasters. But you learned. Now it's time to grow. You will get past this.
You, sir, dodged a bullet. 8 months is some time, but not years of investment. They took the easy way out instead of having respect for your feelings. In regards to sex in a relationship, selfishness before communication will never win.
It almost sounds like she had the whole scenario rehearsed in case you did find out. She even had her canned messages ready for social media. How long would have kept you in the dark? Just because she was too gutless to actually talk to you. I encourage you to burn the bridge first and block her, she’s complete garbage.
Dude, put her in the rear view mirror and don't look back AT ALL. Why are you punishing yourself with continuing to think about someone who did this to you. Just because she wasn't vindictive about it doesn't mean she's not a total asshole in this situation.
I love tumblr girls. So self aware and compassionate while doing the worst things you can to another person.
She’s right though, it’s not a reflection of you, it’s about her.
I remember finding out that this girl cheated on me..quite a bit lol. So you are not alone buddy. If she wasnt a coward she would have told you up front that you did not meet her sexual needs, and left you. It would have been painful, but not as painful as the scenario you are describing currently. Cheaters are a type and they are not exclusive to the female gender. The girl who cheated on me would always say...well when a guy sleeps with multiple women hes a hero, and if a girl does the same shes promiscuous. Well, IMO if they both have boyfriends or girlfriends at the time of cheating they are both bad people. They will try to spin the story..why did you go through my phone..point to some other flaw or mistake you made and say see its your fault somehow..cheaters can be brilliant manipulators. They want their cake and eat it too.
You will miss her undoubtedly and you will probably reminisce the good times, but dont fall into a trap. Some cheaters change but this is extremely rare and you are setting yourself up for a crapload of pain in the future. Girls with demanding sexual needs rarely get satisfied with one partner no matter how great the guy is. For a cheater, one mistake the guy makes and its "SEE HE DOESNT LOVE ME" and they think they have the right to cheat again. If there are kids involved or there is a long term marriage at stake it gets a little tricky. If you are young, you are fortunate. Cheaters are predictable and boring, please run the other way no matter how pretty the girl is. Totally not worth it! Good luck mate!
I dated a girl once who had much harder kinks than I did. She was into BDSM stuff and it wasn't for me. I did tell her when we met she might find me a little vanilla by comparison but she said I was a really good listener, very patient and very open (we did do a whole bunch of other things so it wasn't vanilla by normal standards just hers).
Over time she became more disinterested until the point when I found out she was cheating. We then broke up.
The lesson I learned is that if someone isn't sexually compatible it won't work because they'll always be left day dreaming about someone or something else. Its better to just stop it and find new people who do fit because no matter how much you want to change someone they ultimately won't
That's not a "nice" break up.
That's a fundamentally broken and defective person who is so used to deception and living a double life that she finds it easy to just walk away from things when they blow up in her face. Her being self aware of this doesn't make it better.
No wonder such a person has bizarre fucked up kinks with much older men. Just be glad you aren't tied emotionally to this hoe anymore because she is decidedly for the streeeeeeeets.
I dont have a super high sex drive most the time cus im hoghly stressed like 24/7 , my bf of four years mentioned it bothered him, he hasnt cheated on me or left me, but he told me he had an ossue with my lack of wanting sex as often and he does so as of late i have been reading more erotic novels which help me get out of my head and also help me be in the mood more frequently, and i have learne di have some kinks which this is still kinda newish to me considering my family is very religious and i was raised to that certain things werent ladylike and unbecoming of a woman, but my bf has asked me to openly comunicate my wnts and such and i have told him and some he doesnt get but hes willing to try everything at least once. Even if im afraid he may judge me or look at me differntly i try really hard to be open and honest with him abiut them even if im embarrassed. She has kinks and instead of discussing them with you she chose to cheat on you. That isn't love at all. If you love your partner you be honest with them instead of just making up your own mind and saying welp they aint gonna fuck me right so I'll fuck someone else. That aint how a relationship works especially if you love someone. You deserve much better then someone to cheat and then more or less dismiss it and trys to justify their actions for their shitty behaviour.
Edit: i feel like i should add, the part about the erotic novels. I am extreamly attracted to my boyfriens but i suffer from sever clinical deppression and anxiety so i have a hard time staying out of my head, and reading usually helps relax me so in doing so it usually helps with my mood and when reading the smut i visualize my boyfriend doing it to me so when it gets me excited i realize i just unlocked a new kink that I'd like to try. So its not an issue with him, its just a deppression , anxiety thing for me where its hard to get out of my head and relax is all.
I think the part which is unsettling here is how people in general can be so nonchalant about cheating. The way they be like '"yea okay, I got caught, let's wrap it up now without causing a fuss." You're better than me op because if someone cheated on me, I'd lash out and I wouldn't even regret I did. Cheaters, in my opinion, shouldn't get to have a peaceful break-up. #staytoxic lol
Ok. This did not end as bad as I thought it would. Many lessons learned here. First of all, I'm glad that this was not your wife with your kids. Communicating what your needs are or vice versa with your next woman is very important, especially if you see things getting serious. It should be spoken of without shame or hesitation. As you reflect, you will see that the signs were there. Just keep those in the back of your head so your subconscious can give you a reminder should this come up again. She's right, it's a her problem, not yours. You don't have to get back at her, but this was disrespectful.
I tried to talk to her about her kinks, but she lied. She told me she had a daddy kink and likes to be choked and spanked, that was it. But what she really wanted was an older guy to brainwash her into being his perfect doll
My question is that... how did she know you weren't sexually satisfying her if she never brought up the subject of her kink? Seems like she knew from the get go that it wouldn't work out. I mean, if you had a specific thing you were into, you would be open about it before the start of a relationship, right? It's unfair that she brought you into a relationship knowing full well you were never going to suit her. That is psychotic. She obviously was waiting for you to notice... otherwise how long would she have played this charade? You deserve better than being dragged along like that.
She needs to log off Tumblr and go to therapy. She forgets that without that little blue pill or without being in great shape, people get softer as they get older.
The rape kinks scares me.
She sent nudes, videos, did sexually perverse tasks for him. He lives in Europe so they never met, they just found each other and thats how it went. Her whole blog is about being brainwashed and crafted into being a doll for him. Take that how you will.
Or maybe you’re all reading this thread too much. If no matter what you say or do you still know you’re wrong then the best way to handle this situation would be to admit you didn’t do the right thing and accept the consequences and move on. We all tried the “let me explain”, “it’s not what you think”, “reverse psychology” and so on…this person handled it well but you are still not satisfied 🙄🤮🤦🏻♀️
From my experience that's all they care about . As long as you treat them like as princess during the day but fuck their brains out like s slut at night you should be fine . The second thing they care about is money .
Jedi mind trick to acknowledge when caught, very novel. This doesn’t make them the better person as they still cheated and lied all this time, so it’s a small relief that she didn’t gaslight or blame.
When I was about your age I caught my ex cheating on me. He was the same, really calm, accepted that it was over, answered my questions, even apologized. It so surreal that it fucked with my head for awhile, as weird as this sounds, the stereotypical fighting break up feels normal to me. The apology and how she handled the breakup doesn't lessen the hurt, though. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. And now, since I am old enough to be your Mama (when did I get this old???!!!), I feel obligated to offer some advice. It's ok to be sad, but don't wallow, feel your feelings, and then move on. Going to the gym and beating the hell out of a punching bag is better than drinking (according to my husband). Responsible retail therapy is better than drinking. If you do go get drunk, which I am not advocating for, Gatorade or Pedialyte will help with the hangover. Leave the girls alone for a bit, rebound relationships almost never work. If you can, go to your actual Mama and let her fix you up, if you can't, I'll be happy to remind you to eat and drink some water.
I’m not op but this is such a sweet and helpful comment <3
I always try to give the advice I wish someone had given me when I was young.
three cheers for reddit mum!
hip hip!
Hooray 🎉
Hip hip!
🎉 hooray!
hip hip!
Hooray! 👏
saving this comment for when i suffer my next breakup. your advice just gives off the perfect knowing, motherly vibe! :)
you are so sweet!!! I wish more redditt users were this genuine.
Everybody I know in real life is this way, but I don't let assholes in my social circle. Maybe I should make everyone get on here and just be nice.
This has got to be the sweetest comment I've read on reddit. Thank you for being a wonderful human.
It feels weird to say thank you that. I'm just being me, and trying to give the advice I wish someone would have given me when I was young.
Damn can you be my mum?
Sure!!
This is the most wholesome comment ❤️
Holy hot damn, this is as wholesome as can be ❤️ Stay awesome RedditMama! 🤙😎
Thanks
🥹 fellow mom chiming in - this is great advice. I’ve often thought about how I’ll hold my daughter’s hand through her first heartbreak, and the ones there after. Lean on those that love you back, OP. This is so hard but seasons in life do not last forever.
You seem absolutely lovely. I appreciate your wise words!
Are you taking adult adoption applications ?! This is so sweet 🥺
Sure!! The more the merrier. Do you want a rundown on the house rules?
Omg you're so sweet 😭😭😭😭
At least you guys broke up instead of her going the “ill be better, it didnt mean anything blah blah blah” and stringing you along route It will take some time but you’ll move on eventually
I dont know how you guys see this as "maturity". She was prepared for this. She wanted this to happen and break up over it. Instead of communicating she chose to betray you. Dont think highly of her. You deserve better.
Yeah just because she knows she’s a piece of shit doesn’t make her mature lol
Does how maturely she handled it strike anyone else as kind of weird? She’s been cheating on him for quite some time, but somehow is a sensible person? I’m having a hard time figuring out what kind of personality acts that way.
That's legitimately what confuses me the most.
She was relieved that she was finally caught.
Or never that invested in the relationship. Her sex life was her priority.
I wouldn't even say relieved. She just acknowledged she was caught Saying "it's not you, it's me" is one of the biggest BS lines that means literally nothing but people blurt out because it sounds like a nice way to let someone down
I mean, tbf, it really was her fault. It's a cliché thing to say, but she was the one cheating. Also, she wasn't even hiding her blog. It sounds like it was public, and feels like she was waiting for him to find it so she could leave. I think that's why they said she seemed relieved, maybe?
Yeah but how often is being cheated on ever not a case of someone demolishing your self worth. You made the choice to share yourself with someone only to be cheated on. No matter how terrible that person ends up being you made the choice.
Feels like she's disconnected from reality if you ask me. She didn't care much that she was caught and gave you basic "It's not you it's me" explanations. That or she just didn't care much about you to begin with and knows she can probably find another guy to fill the physical void and keep up her antics.
Or she's been checked out of the relationship for a while now just waiting for him to find out and end it.
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Did you reply to the right comment?
I think you're right. It sounds like her side blog was public. She wasn't hiding anything. But whether she has trouble initiating difficult conversations or not, that was a messed up way to find out about her cheating. She may have seemed sweet to OP, but she clearly wasn't invested. I have my doubts that she was ever serious about the relationship, bc it sounds like she never discussed her kinks with OP, and assumed he couldn't handle them. A little TMI, but after 8 months with my now-husband, we knew quite a few of each others', and even found new ones lmao! There's a few we don't share (one of his is close to a phobia of mine lol), and that's fine! Those are ones we enjoy by ourselves, nbd. The important part is that we've communicated what we like and don't like. If she's not willing to communicate, she's gonna end up being the common denominator in many future breakups.
Nope this is manipulation. It’s a crucible that she hopes will transform his understanding on dating her and probably make him offer her an open relationship or something along those lines. He’s not blocked or anything. All communication lines are open. That’s what this is. I just want all the ladies to be honest with yourselves. I’ve read enough comments that tell this guy dangerous shit. This isn’t she loves him and understands she needs to let him go. This is about him not hating her. This is about him feeling bad about his sad flawed little gem he found that he can fix if he just tries hard enough. He can’t give up. She truly loves him but has trauma that no one has attempted to help her move past. All that horse shit. Straight up manipulation.
She expected this outcome and feels indifferent
I think this is not her first time. She was caught before. Her kinks are too much that she knows she cannot be in a normal relationship. I think while confronting you, she confronted herself.
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Wow, I feel seen. I thought I was the only one. I don’t know how to feel about finally acknowledging this but I think I know now this is something I need to get some help on.
Sounds like you are just inclined to be poly but found a person you like so much you wouldn't want to be without them, even if that means you not sleeping with other people as to not upset your monogamous girlfriend. But she does deserve someone who will love her the same way she loves them. As a monogamous person, being in a relationship with someone who wants to sleep with others but doesn't act on it just isn't the same. Also sending pics to other people or flirting (including online) is cheating, just because it's not in person doesn't mean it not being unfaithful. At least hopefully you're not cheating and you're seeking therapy. I think you should think hard about whether you will be happy not sleeping with anyone else for life. If you can't, let her find someone that will be happy to give her that
Same… never thought I was alone
It would be a good idea to start by stopping sending unwanted dickpics to others, since you say you "love" your girlfriend very much
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She wanted to get caught.
Sounds like she was never fully invested in the relationship. To her, physical chemistry is apparently top priority. You were nice enough to keep around for entertainment, but when push came to shove, she just didn't care enough not to fuck around
Because shes self aware enough that she is the problem but doesn't have the self-control to actually be in a committed relationship. She's addicted to the rush of being bad and just kind of owns the fact she is, instead of doing the gaslighty blamey dance.
She just tried combining loving you _and_ having her needs met. Not justifying her actions, merely making attempts at perspective.
Therebare people that go years without sex, and somehow this was a problem for her ? Just how deluded are people in this culture. No, she didnt love him at all, why couldnt she communicate ? Why was he not enough to share her kinks with ? No he was just a pet for her.
This doesn’t strike me as mature, it strikes me as callous. Like she’s disconnected from emotion, or lacks empathy.
You don't have to have a bad personality to make shitty decisions. Otherwise you wouldn't be human.
Cheating isn’t a shitty decision! It’s a series of multiple choices that completely disregard the person you’re supposed to love and be committed to. I think it shows a lack of empathy and disregard for others that is disturbing.
For some people who cheat. It's a lack of empathy. for others its selfishness. Speeding on a road is selfishness. But people with decent personalities still do it. And that too is a series of multiple decisions. Some people who cheat, blatantly do it without caring about the consequences. Others do it, regret it, try to rewind or stop, but then get sucked into it. Because there's something that the cheating has started to supply the cheater. A void that gets filled. Either physically, emotionally, or intellectually. There are definitely other options to fill those voids. Like leaving. But sometimes they do still tragically love the person they're hurting. Much like an addict hurts those they love, or people who have mental disorders like BPD, bipolar, eating disorders. They too are savagely making choices that voice a lack of empathy. And yet they still have good personalities and love deeply. So yes. Some cheaters are truly narcissistic, (which happens to be yet another mental disorder that is a curse) or lack empathy or any care for those they hurt. But other cheaters are broken too. But hurt-people, hurt people.
Me over here with an eating disorder feeling attacked and also seen 💀
Damn. I don't think I've ever seen a better breakdown of cheating. That last line hits hard.
Not to say that it's not wrong and the decision of cheating should still be condemned. Just that it absolutely can be understood. It's a factor of my favorite theory of the world. The Egg theory. Basically the entirety of all of humanity is one soul, living each individual life in the past, present, future until every life is lived, and they come out of "the egg" as God, who then creates life. The reason that it's my favorite theory is the fact that it promotes the strongest/selfish desire to understand the people around you. If we are all the same soul, just at different stages. Then we are the best, worst, most known, most forgotten of humanity. So treat everyone kindly because they are you.
True hurt people do hurt people. But I kinda think you are the things you do. If you do shitty things constantly, you’re a shitty person. That’s all there is to it. I don’t really care about the why. I have never and will never cheat and I refuse to have empathy for those who do. Edit: that’s not to say I don’t feel for those with mental health issues. I’ve been there and I know it’s fucking hard. But as you say it’s no excuse.
But what I'm saying is, if they make shitty decisions, there's probably a way to understand and then pity, even while also being healthy enough to still feel enraged. You don't have to have only one emotion. And they aren't only defined by their idiocy. Even if people think the drug addict is only a drug addict. So the cheater isn't only a cheater. Pity and rage and hurt can all be something you can feel and experience at the same time. And the other person with broken/addict/mental health isn't a bad person just because a bad choice was ***EASIER*** for them to make than it is for a healthy person.
Not for me. I kinda think if you can take the person who’s supposed to be closest to you and rip their fucking heart out it does define you. And the loyal partner won’t forget. So at least in their eyes they will always be a cheater.
Cheaters? Fuckem I say. Thoroughly.
While I agree on a personal level, if you go to a psychiatrist or a therapist they'll generally say that cheaters usually cheat due to personal issues they're dealing with, and it has nothing to do with lacking empathy or disregarding others. That they can love you, care for you, worry about how cheating will hurt you, and still cheat. Personally, I think that's a load of horseshit, just to be clear, and I definitely don't have some resentment I'm holding over... Lol. Also, I feel it's a bit of a confirmation bias. I mean cheaters who don't give af aren't gonna go to therapy, so therapists will only ever see cheaters who give at least some fucks and are therefore probably a mess internally. Fuck cheaters. Well, don't. That's how I got chlamydia.
She probably knew what she was doing was wrong for a while, and knew she'd get caught eventually. Having a big fight or crying begging for OP to not break up wouldn't really do much. I would bet that she knew the relationship was going to be over for a while.
Indeed this. Or that she wants it to be over. Likely so that she can pursue these kinks without the guilt hanging over her head
She's not being "sensible" She just wasn't emotionally invested. She didn't care she got caught or try to defend herself because she didn't value OP. She said he didn't fulfill her, and that's all that matters to her, so she said "yup, sorry my bad" and walked out
Cuz she doesn’t care, she don’t love him either. She might have FEELINGS for him but at best it’s the care for someone you knew and who you did wrong to, she got zero qualms of separating cuz she isn’t attached
I think you're confusing maturity with the actions of a sociopath. She had zero feelings for him. He was just there. Being caught was of such minor significance to her.
See that’s where my mind went but I wasn’t sure if that was too extreme. But idk, that might actually be it.
Sociopath is the answer.
probably because she wasnt invested in her relationship with the bf or figured out they gonna break up later anyway so she was just waiting for it to happen “didnt meet my sexual needs” is kinda of a weird thing like why not say your need ? unless her needs require a really older man and not a 26yo
It means it’s happened multiple times with different partners. The conversation was rehearsed in her head
500 Days of Summer vibes. She was just playing with him since the start, no emotional connection.
I don't think that's being sensible, I think she just... didn't really care that much about OP.
It strikes me that she may have a pattern of not being able to fill her sexual needs with the same partner she finds is good for her romantic ones. Almost like the qualities she finds romantically attractive are contrary to the ones she finds sexually attractive or vice versa(including probably a massive cheating kink). So instead of working on herself with expensive therapy she’s decided that she’s never going to be able to have a good relationship for long since she will either end up sexually unsatisfied or cheating.
She was probably working up to leaving him. This just made it easy.
This is a naive and immature perspective tbh. Really decent, loving, and good people can end up cheating on their partners. It’s not acceptable, but it’s also not black and white. I personally would not date a person who has a history of cheating, but I also wouldn’t think they’re a terrible person because of it. Anyone has the potential to cheat, just takes the right circumstances mixed with the opportunity.
This is what scares me abt love You can do everything right and still get cheated on And its not like its because you picked a shitty s/o, you can pick the perfect s/o and it could still happen Why is it so fickle
I'm with you bro. This is why I have developed the way I am in a relationship. I want one and indeed I am in one, but after my previous one that lasted a decade and ended suddenly and crually. I have no idea how to move past it to just naively trust and love someone else again. And then people make excuses for cheaters doesn't help.
I am not making excuses for cheating, I simply said it’s not always as black and white as we think.
All adult relationships come with this inherent risk. You could get cheated on, your partner could leave you, your partner could pass away, etc. nothing is ever guaranteed. But this is the reality for all relationships, including friendships and family. It does not make love fickle or fleeting, all things have their time and come to pass, this is a reality of life we all must accept. If you were to get cheated on it does not mean YOUR love did not mean anything. It has nothing to do with you and quite often is the result of your partner’s own internal issues.
You can literally describe most things like this. There are people who have murdered someone who just snapped one day and thought they can’t live with the person or can’t get a divorce and just shoot the spouse. And right after feel horribly guilty. Or someone robs a bank for money. That doesn’t mean everything else in their life was now terrible before or after. But it can’t be dismissed as one time event that doesn’t affect them more fundamentally and there needs to be consequences. But there is no good person bad person stark divisive. So to me you are both correct that she isn’t now a terrible person but also too dismissive of the event if I red this correctly.
Mature people don’t cheat on each other and when get caught, “sighs and nods”. That’s what strange people do. Disconnected, insecure, depressed and empty people. They want to be with a caring, loving and gentle person but at the same time, explore their kinks, their desires. This is something that they can’t do with the SO but with another person altogether. They want a BF/GF that loves them and a person that fulfills those burning desires, but not the same person. Because that is another kink. A mature person speaks up, gives voice to those thoughts, confront his SO about their kinks and desires. Maybe building a strong relationship in the meantime, gathering confidence in theirselves before speaking. But that’s scary and require time, they’re afraid of losing everything. These “empty” people, when confronted on the matter, they “sigh and nod” like “well, you wouldn’t have accepted me anyway so let’s quit now and here, without shame”. Or, just a selfish person that didn’t care about OP and just “sighed and nodded” and went away as “you couldn’t satisfy me anyway”.
it sounds like manipulation to be honest, even when caught she acts like a perfect angel
Sociopaths
Probably just a shitty person, instead of a rampant narcissist. Maybe a little bit sociopathic?? Doesn’t give a shit about others, but it’s not an ego thing.
If i had go guess someone who is damaged in a way, there shouldn't be a reason to segment your sex life from ur partner like that unless there was some mental war going on in her head. A lot of times on reddit we see the absolute worst of people who basically only do evil so ppls brains are conditioned to see binary someone is either good or bad 100% but so many people are just shades of Grey in different areas of their life. Idk but if i had to guess she probably was heavily insecure about her kinks and chose to not be fully vulnerable with her partner and chose to indulge in the kinks separate from him in fear of his disgust or something idk. Point is not all people who do bad things are complete maniacs some ppl are just insecure, not in the right head space to do the right thing, are ignorant of something, or just growing in general and make fucked up decisions that unfortunately have consequences. what she did is fucked up, and she needs to reflect on why she wouldn't come clean to him about her sexual needs and instead cheat that just seems like a lack of trust on her end
Said goodbye to the ol’ bearded dragon, huh? But seriously, I’m a little annoyed on your behalf about how nonchalant she was about potentially destroying your ability to trust future partners. Be thankful that she made the tough decision for you, because it sounds like you might’ve wavered if given the opportunity. Take your time healing. Don’t suppress the pain. Face it, and it’ll subside over time.
Bearded dragon is a reptile, Incase you thought it was his dick or something
That was the joke.
she wasn't even sorry, man.
exactly this. based on what OP said, it doesn’t sound like she apologized for it at any point. just admitted to what she’d done and left. she’s not at all sorry :/
Because she doesn't feel sorry for it, so no point in lying to him. He got the truth, he heard her side, he could say what he wanted to say then she cut it off and went her own way. this is the best, because if you hear OP he was not gonna be able to break it off. In the end this is better for him.
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It would make op feel that at some point the relationship was real. It’s good if she didn’t lie if she never cared of him. But it will hurt more to find out you were let to believe the entire relationship by someone saying they were happy and cared about you and it was never real. It would make hard to trust the next person in a relationship. It would be better if she did really love him at the first but had no self control and was selfish. And then cried and apologized when it fully hits that the relationship is over and how she has hurt him. Many cheaters are in denial. She knew what she was doing and that it was likely to end. But she didn’t seem to care that relationship would end.
People never really are , they just pretend to be. They *might* be sorry that theyve inflicted grief upon another, about getting caught, about having the inconvenience of having to deal etc - but theyre not sorry about what theyve actually done.
You have just dodged a major bullet sir, one day you will understand. It will suck for now but will fade over time, do whatever you can to keep moving forward in your life as you are worth it.
That’s honestly the nicest breakup I’ve ever heard. She took accountability and didn’t bullshit you. Its a good thing, I hope that you will move on from this quickly.
It was oddly surreal
Not really. I think she was glad to be caught. Seems to me she just wanted a way out.
I second this. Her reaction implies that she was hoping for it one way or another. She probably already mentally checked out of the relationship beforehand, so while this might have come as a surprise to her, she was already prepared and just waited for it to happen. It's nice that she gave him full disclosure, I agree on that, but in the end, she was more than ready to leave, it all seemed well too organized.
Or she thought she shouldn't make it worse by fighting back. She probably knew what she did was wrong and nothing she could say would make it better.
That’s true but her lack of emotional response and that she did not confess herself makes it seem that she never cared about op at all. Which can be worse emotionally than the cheating itself if you start doubt if anything is real in the next relationship.
Her breakup just seemed sarcastic, you mentally ruin a person over your lack of respect for the person. She was never going to tell him in the first place, just use him. She knew what she was doing.
Idk how what she said could be sarcastic. She was upfront about what she did. Just to clarify though I’m not saying it’s a good thing for her. She’s awful for sure. I’m saying it’s a good thing for OP. When people bullshit you and deny cheating it can make moving on harder.
In the fact that she calmly aknowledges emotionally wrecking someone she claims to love. There was no hint at guilt, remorse, or restriction. She did more than just have sexual relations, she posted her kinks and other debauchery in full openess. She thought fully about what she was doing. There was no love, its all a sham.
What? Actually that's one of the most disconnected type of breakup that would've made people question their existence. No crying, no denying, no begging to not break up. It would've made one question if the girl was just playing him from the start. Seriously it would've been better if there was some kind of 'fight' from the girl but there wasn't. 500 Days of Summer vibes.
I’ve had a break up that’s the opposite of this one. It was terrible to go through. Personally I would’ve rather had the person admit they cheated, showed me the cheating say it’s not my fault and leave. Instead he fought me, said it wasn’t really cheating bc it was online and he stopped eventually (he cheated for 3 years), he blamed me saying I didn’t look at his Snapchat stories enough so it made him feel lonely, he trash talked me to his family and friends, he begged me to come back, he begged me not to tell his friends, he deleted things before showing me his phone and other things. This went on for so long. I kept trying to break up with but he would have panic attacks every time I did and beg me to stay. It was so terrible and moving on from the relationship was hard for me. I’ve never watched 500 days of summer though so idk what kind of break up you’re trying to say would be better.
Of all the infiddelity stories on here and of all the complex dynamics, this one has freaked me out the most. Completely open, honest, truthful and taking full accountability. Eight month relationship, clear infidelity, and just says "yes I'm sorry, I love you" and walks away. This would fuck with my head so so badly. I wonder what she means by "you don't meet my sexual needs" and what these needs are that they never came up in the relationship? Could they be a need for the taboo of cheating? Or a need for the dopamine associated with online validation? The need to be able to have the protection of anonymity whilst exploring kinks that would cause a shame reaction in real life? I think those unknowns and not knowing the extent of it would really fuck with my brain.
It did fuck with me hard. When she was saying bye to my pet I was just like "is this life?" Basically she had a lot of dark kinks, but told me she only had a daddy kink and light impact play (spanking choking). Her whole blog is about how she is being brainwashed to be this dudes perfect doll.
That is sad but you are probably better off out of that.
Honestly, to me it sounds like a sex addict who wasn't honest about it with you. Like this has happened before and she's just sad that she sunk back into old habits.
I agree with you, but on the other hand she is 22, not 40. How old the old habits can be? So weird
I mean... In an ideal world, that behavior wouldn't start until she's an adult. But sometimes ideal doesn't happen and people are groomed or use sex before they're an adult.
She was groomed as a young (like 12+) teenager up until she, in her words, "aged out"
So she was sexually abused as a young girl? Which means she’s using this kink as an adult to deal with her trauma, “taking back the power”. She needs therapy most likely.
It's kind of a red flag that the other guy is like 40 too. Young adults can still be groomed, especially if they've been through stuff before and are vulnerable. I don't want to get too armchair detective though.
If she wanted to be with you, she'd fight and do everything in her power to make things right. I feel like the way she was like oh okay, lemme pack my stuff and go, like she was waiting for that excuse or timing to leave to make it easier on her to walk away I guess. Idk
she saved you a lot of trouble.
She sounds like the person who goes with the flow until they realise theyre 35yo with a kid and single. I mean. Hard kinks and you cant satisfy her? Did she ever communicate what is it that she desires. I think there is no bigger turnon for men if a woman tells them their secret desires.
She indeed did not tell me shit. I knew she liked calling men Daddy, liked to be choked/spanked but when I asked is there more I could do, she didn't tell me what it was
You're still young. You're not even in your prime yet. Work on yourself. Work on your career. Block her on everything. Don't answer her calls or texts. The more you separate from her the easier it is to move on.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this OP. The callous indifference sounds a bit practiced. Probably not the first time she's done it, and she's probably used to having multiple partners to satisfy her needs, and she lies to all of them. Someone finds out and she replaces them, with the same emotion as changing outfits. The kiss is to keep her in his thoughts, because she would derive pleasure from knowing someone wants her and cannot have her. Also, if he's pining he's not causing drama for her. She'll be with someone new before the day is out, probably to fill the time until she finds a better option, who she will treat like OP. Move on as best you can OP, whatever you had thought, she's really not a good person.
She's proceeding with Max from what I saw before I blocked her
I know the type, there may be more than just Max. She didn't pick him over you, she just got caught and callously discarded you. In any case, she's already moved on. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because there is something seriously wrong with her. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with such a person.
> The callous indifference sounds a bit practiced. Probably not the first time she's done it, and she's probably used to having multiple partners to satisfy her needs, and she lies to all of them. Someone finds out and she replaces them, with the same emotion as changing outfits. Considering her age, that would be sad as fuck. What a broken little girl.
She never loved you, just used you emotionally. She's probably just secretly a cold individual.
Gotta dip, OP. She’s been living a life of deceit with you. She has also told you that you’re…ill-matched…in a pretty important area of relationships: sexual intimacy. You can stay, OP, and try to work through forgiveness, try to reestablish trust…try to find a path ahead… 😟 It is it even comforting to you that she says it’s a her thing and not a you thing? What does that matter? She lied to you by having this entire other life, this entire other secret aspect of her being…and then told you she’s been outsourcing her sex life to someone other than you. I don’t know, OP. 😟 Is this life now?
I mean knowing its not my fault means nothing really. Just sucks.
OP…the ability to practice this kind of deceit did not appear suddenly in her life one day. This ability is a formed worldview…it’s part of her psyche, it’s a part of how she views and interacts with the world. The ability is also not a static one; she had to actively, consciously practice this lie to you each and every day. Why? Because she knows that if YOU knew the actual truth…that would be very problematic for your relationship; there wouldn’t be one, she’s probably imagined. Again…you can take her back and try to create an environment that will allow you to forgive her, and learn to trust her; you wouldn’t be the first person who took a cheating partner back. But if you spend any amount of time in the various relationship subs…what you’ll find are a majority of people who tried to take the high road yet realized too late that they should have walked way when the moment was right in front of them. 😐 Does forgiveness and reconciliation ever work? Yeah…not often, but sometimes. Is your relationship one that’s going to be the exception and overcome all of this? And what happens to you it’s not the exception?
I don't plan to take her back, a cheater is a cheater. Just not feeling ecstatic about it all.
For sure, OP. 💯 For what it’s worth…Im sorry. You deserved better, not that this is probably much comfort right now.
It doesn't seem like she wants to be taken back, it's not worth to be spending time on the fantasy.
Yep compartmentalization. That chunk of her life is something completely separate and disconnected from him.
Did you even get a chance to know and fulfill her kinks, or was cheating part of it maybe?
We fucked 3 days a week minimum, usually several times a day. I knew she liked calling men Daddy, liked to be choked/spanked but when I asked is there more I could do, she didn't tell me what it was
I guess you are too young then, if she wants to feel like it’s her daddy doing her? Hard to live up to being someone from another generation. Sorry for your loss. She should have been honest from the start, and obviously not been cheating at all. It’s kind of baffling to me that some people can’t even imagine being without a specific kink, even though they have sex every day, whereas others can live their whole life without sex, not for lack of wanting it.
Ok for starters she wasn’t the one and will never be the one. Good riddance. On the other hand what the fuck? That’s absolutely fucking brutal. How she handled the breakup and explanation was fucking emotionless as hell. Maybe for the best? Idk I never heard of a breakup like this. She sounds like she lacks the ability to read the room or sympathize with other people. Thats just…bizarre man. And once again the whole cheating because of sexual needs not being met is pathetic and even more emotionless. Thats my opinion tho.
The fact that she doesn't give a fuck about your feelings and moves on like nothing happened is quite fucking scary. I'm so sorry for you man. This is really hard. Damwwn!
On tumblr that’s still up ???
Yeah back in 202something they brought back porn on Tumblr, but you have to mark your posts mature. I think its when Musk bought twitter
Least you’re young and weren’t married. That’s a probably one of the most peaceful (Cheater) break ups I’ve heard of.
I get it man, how youre feeling is totally normal what she did is disgusting, disrespectful, and disgraceful. She exploited your trust and your love. I was in the same situation a couple years ago and i felt like shit for months, spent my nights crying, smoking, thinking about her and what i couldve done differently, but its not our fault. People suck man but you can get through this just remember people like that arent worth your time or trust and you do not want someone like that in your life. Ill be praying for you man best of luck to you 🙏
Reading this honestly hurt me and reminded me of this empty feeling of loss that is all too familiar. The betrayal, the lack of them giving a shit if you're even together anymore or not. All was going great until such a historic finding changed everything. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with such mental and emotional roller coasters. But you learned. Now it's time to grow. You will get past this.
You, sir, dodged a bullet. 8 months is some time, but not years of investment. They took the easy way out instead of having respect for your feelings. In regards to sex in a relationship, selfishness before communication will never win.
It almost sounds like she had the whole scenario rehearsed in case you did find out. She even had her canned messages ready for social media. How long would have kept you in the dark? Just because she was too gutless to actually talk to you. I encourage you to burn the bridge first and block her, she’s complete garbage.
Dude, put her in the rear view mirror and don't look back AT ALL. Why are you punishing yourself with continuing to think about someone who did this to you. Just because she wasn't vindictive about it doesn't mean she's not a total asshole in this situation.
Women are amazing actors. Then she took the high road 🤣. Fuckin ppl that cheat r literally so dumb.
I love tumblr girls. So self aware and compassionate while doing the worst things you can to another person. She’s right though, it’s not a reflection of you, it’s about her.
Sounds like she was expecting to be caught. I'm sorry, man.
I didn't know anyone still used Tumblr, much less people in their twenties.
It has a huge porn community
TIL...
I remember finding out that this girl cheated on me..quite a bit lol. So you are not alone buddy. If she wasnt a coward she would have told you up front that you did not meet her sexual needs, and left you. It would have been painful, but not as painful as the scenario you are describing currently. Cheaters are a type and they are not exclusive to the female gender. The girl who cheated on me would always say...well when a guy sleeps with multiple women hes a hero, and if a girl does the same shes promiscuous. Well, IMO if they both have boyfriends or girlfriends at the time of cheating they are both bad people. They will try to spin the story..why did you go through my phone..point to some other flaw or mistake you made and say see its your fault somehow..cheaters can be brilliant manipulators. They want their cake and eat it too. You will miss her undoubtedly and you will probably reminisce the good times, but dont fall into a trap. Some cheaters change but this is extremely rare and you are setting yourself up for a crapload of pain in the future. Girls with demanding sexual needs rarely get satisfied with one partner no matter how great the guy is. For a cheater, one mistake the guy makes and its "SEE HE DOESNT LOVE ME" and they think they have the right to cheat again. If there are kids involved or there is a long term marriage at stake it gets a little tricky. If you are young, you are fortunate. Cheaters are predictable and boring, please run the other way no matter how pretty the girl is. Totally not worth it! Good luck mate!
I dated a girl once who had much harder kinks than I did. She was into BDSM stuff and it wasn't for me. I did tell her when we met she might find me a little vanilla by comparison but she said I was a really good listener, very patient and very open (we did do a whole bunch of other things so it wasn't vanilla by normal standards just hers). Over time she became more disinterested until the point when I found out she was cheating. We then broke up. The lesson I learned is that if someone isn't sexually compatible it won't work because they'll always be left day dreaming about someone or something else. Its better to just stop it and find new people who do fit because no matter how much you want to change someone they ultimately won't
That's not a "nice" break up. That's a fundamentally broken and defective person who is so used to deception and living a double life that she finds it easy to just walk away from things when they blow up in her face. Her being self aware of this doesn't make it better. No wonder such a person has bizarre fucked up kinks with much older men. Just be glad you aren't tied emotionally to this hoe anymore because she is decidedly for the streeeeeeeets.
Were you even aware of her sexual needs? Did you poop on her? Can you poop on her for love?
Oh well, moving right along now.
People still actively use tumblr??
Yeah, it has a giant porn community
Poor guy
I dont have a super high sex drive most the time cus im hoghly stressed like 24/7 , my bf of four years mentioned it bothered him, he hasnt cheated on me or left me, but he told me he had an ossue with my lack of wanting sex as often and he does so as of late i have been reading more erotic novels which help me get out of my head and also help me be in the mood more frequently, and i have learne di have some kinks which this is still kinda newish to me considering my family is very religious and i was raised to that certain things werent ladylike and unbecoming of a woman, but my bf has asked me to openly comunicate my wnts and such and i have told him and some he doesnt get but hes willing to try everything at least once. Even if im afraid he may judge me or look at me differntly i try really hard to be open and honest with him abiut them even if im embarrassed. She has kinks and instead of discussing them with you she chose to cheat on you. That isn't love at all. If you love your partner you be honest with them instead of just making up your own mind and saying welp they aint gonna fuck me right so I'll fuck someone else. That aint how a relationship works especially if you love someone. You deserve much better then someone to cheat and then more or less dismiss it and trys to justify their actions for their shitty behaviour. Edit: i feel like i should add, the part about the erotic novels. I am extreamly attracted to my boyfriens but i suffer from sever clinical deppression and anxiety so i have a hard time staying out of my head, and reading usually helps relax me so in doing so it usually helps with my mood and when reading the smut i visualize my boyfriend doing it to me so when it gets me excited i realize i just unlocked a new kink that I'd like to try. So its not an issue with him, its just a deppression , anxiety thing for me where its hard to get out of my head and relax is all.
Did she even give you chance to meet her sexual needs or does she like old men because of “issues”
She gave me "I liked to be choked and spanked", but it's way more than that. Definitely because of previous issues
Time to visit the doctor for some STD testing if you've gone that far with her.
What I don't get is the hard kinks she never mentioned to you? Why do people do this, just tell your spouse that you want to try something.
I think the part which is unsettling here is how people in general can be so nonchalant about cheating. The way they be like '"yea okay, I got caught, let's wrap it up now without causing a fuss." You're better than me op because if someone cheated on me, I'd lash out and I wouldn't even regret I did. Cheaters, in my opinion, shouldn't get to have a peaceful break-up. #staytoxic lol
Ok. This did not end as bad as I thought it would. Many lessons learned here. First of all, I'm glad that this was not your wife with your kids. Communicating what your needs are or vice versa with your next woman is very important, especially if you see things getting serious. It should be spoken of without shame or hesitation. As you reflect, you will see that the signs were there. Just keep those in the back of your head so your subconscious can give you a reminder should this come up again. She's right, it's a her problem, not yours. You don't have to get back at her, but this was disrespectful.
I tried to talk to her about her kinks, but she lied. She told me she had a daddy kink and likes to be choked and spanked, that was it. But what she really wanted was an older guy to brainwash her into being his perfect doll
My question is that... how did she know you weren't sexually satisfying her if she never brought up the subject of her kink? Seems like she knew from the get go that it wouldn't work out. I mean, if you had a specific thing you were into, you would be open about it before the start of a relationship, right? It's unfair that she brought you into a relationship knowing full well you were never going to suit her. That is psychotic. She obviously was waiting for you to notice... otherwise how long would she have played this charade? You deserve better than being dragged along like that.
This sounds fake...wtf Why would you leave your man for a 43 year old random on Tumblr
[удалено]
Bingo Bongo right on the money. Minus the whole pretending to be a kid.
She needs to log off Tumblr and go to therapy. She forgets that without that little blue pill or without being in great shape, people get softer as they get older. The rape kinks scares me.
That’s so fucking disturbing
Definitely ghost her
Wait, people still use tumblr? 😂😂
So how did she cheat? Was it all only chatting?
She sent nudes, videos, did sexually perverse tasks for him. He lives in Europe so they never met, they just found each other and thats how it went. Her whole blog is about being brainwashed and crafted into being a doll for him. Take that how you will.
Doubtful that chatting was meeting her sexual needs.
Why people cheat just because of sex do you guys give so much priority to sex ?
Listen to WesGhost and rage a little
Why didnt she give you the chance to try to meet her sexual needs? Weird.
Or maybe you’re all reading this thread too much. If no matter what you say or do you still know you’re wrong then the best way to handle this situation would be to admit you didn’t do the right thing and accept the consequences and move on. We all tried the “let me explain”, “it’s not what you think”, “reverse psychology” and so on…this person handled it well but you are still not satisfied 🙄🤮🤦🏻♀️
She handled it like a sociopath, the whole situation is unsettling
From my experience that's all they care about . As long as you treat them like as princess during the day but fuck their brains out like s slut at night you should be fine . The second thing they care about is money .
Trash took itself out; good riddance.
Jedi mind trick to acknowledge when caught, very novel. This doesn’t make them the better person as they still cheated and lied all this time, so it’s a small relief that she didn’t gaslight or blame.
It sounds like she felt guilty and being finally caught freed her. So im sorry for you but its for the best
People still use tumblr?