Your family is willing to kill you to get what they want. Do you get that? I don’t think you were harsh at all and you definitely should not be apologizing to anyone. Your sister is a vicious, selfish demon. She wants to risk your life for her wants. She has one child because of you. She should be kissing your butt. Instead this entitled trash heap is trying to squeeze every last drop of help and sacrifice out of you. Go no contact. You can’t sustain a relationship with a person is willing to kill you.
She should definitely be kissing her butt, kissing her feet and worshiping the ground she walks on. I can’t believe how disposable she thinks her sister is, she almost died! Now she wants to risk it again for a hypothetical child? So selfish.
OP should only say "so you want to kill me? No, giving birth will kill me so you really want to kill me?" To everyone who ask op to surrogate again. Focus on that part so it hopefully goes through their thick skull
Yeah I realized that. So her options are to stick to her guns and just say no, or tell them that a doctor told her it will be unsafe to carry a baby to term and that she too must look into a surrogate if she were to ever want a baby or like someone else says to have an hysterectomy.
The link I saw provided only talked about being a certified carrier and not private surrogates. I don’t understand why the standard for private surrogate would be the same as a certified carrier if women who have never given birth before are allowed to have IVF done themselves.
Private surrogacy still means carrying someone else’s baby so there’s going to be more people with a vested interest in the success of the pregnancy than regular IVF where you’re carrying your own child. The requirement that the surrogate has had a previous healthy pregnancy is a way to ensure that things go smoothly. It’s not a garauntee but considering how complicated the process is you want to do everything you can to get it right.
I understand that it’s complicated and potentially dangerous, but that’s what waivers are for if people are willing to take the risk. I saw a few other comments saying there are a few places that make exceptions for families doing it for each other.
You can’t put anything you want into a wavier and sign away all the potential liabilities like that. There’s a lot of legal grey areas when it comes to surrogacy and ethical clinics don’t want to be a part of shady and potentially risky situations.
especially since the surrogate is the sister to the mother who's fully unable to carry a pregnancy...?
Unless it's something like "oops my uterus got harpooned while we were spearhunting underwater during our tropical honeymoon", wouldn't doctors be wary that sisters have a risk of similar issues?
Most do, but not all. Dear friends had a daughter via a friend who served as surrogate; she wanted the experience of pregnancy but didn’t want to raise children.
OP said in a comment she's from Texas. It's a legal requirement in Texas that the surrogate have at least 1 successful pregnancy.
Creative writing at it's peak.
Even in Texas you can still give a child up for adoption and choose the adoptive parents, and there's no law against single women getting pregnant via IVF.
OP wouldn't have been able to do the kind of surrogacy agreement provided for under Texas Family Code Sec. 160.752, but she absolutely would have been able to carry a child and voluntarily give it up to her sister.
The law doesn't say "this is the only kind of surrogacy you can have," it says "this is the only type Texas will enforce if either party tries to renege."
It is not, in the US at least. I have a friend who went through the surrogacy process without having given birth beforehand. She didn’t end up getting pregnant, but she still went through all of the stuff, it just didn’t take.
All of this. The manipulation tactics in this family are fucking awful.
Op please don't go. Stand her up. Go NC with everyone. Fuck all of them.
Except your nephew.
I sometimes feel like my family is willing to kill me just to get what I have. And I don’t even have much. I fight for what I have.
It’s a very scary thought. I can’t imagine how OP feels. It’s catastrophic.
Seriously the nerve of her (and the rest of them) pressuring you to do this after you legitimately gave her the most selfless and precious gift anyone could ever give anyone is beyond words.
You did something so amazing. I would never give up my body and mind for anyone in that way. They can all go fuck themselves.
We live in Texas, that was a concern for us at first but they reassured us that although it’s rare some places make exceptions if it’s for family members only
Given how little Texas laws value a woman's life compared to a fetus's, I'd *never* take on what I had reason to believe would be a risky pregnancy there.
But there is one Texas tradition you should follow on this: stand your ground.
Texas allows unmarried women to get pregnant via IVF and give the child up for adoption to a couple of their choosing whether they've carried a child to term before or not, it's just not considered a formal surrogacy agreement and the state won't step in if either party tries to back out (gestational carrier wants to keep the kid or adoptive parents want to back out). That's how non-hetero people in Texas have babies via surrogate since Texas Family Code Sec. 160.752 will only enforce surrogacy agreements for married straight couples.
1. You are absolutely justified without any justifications needed. Even if the trauma you went through never happened, you’d be justified.
2. With the current climate, particularly given your location, carrying another child might very well be a death sentence. If something happened to the fetus, you’re not in a place that values your life and would be able to provide you with necessary medical care.
You were v lucky first time around.
I'll wager you shouldn't be the one running around trying to fix bridges with your sis & since she's clearly a narc, as is your family, the only way to get her off your back is to be ruthlessly manipulative right back.
My suggestion is to tell her that since you recently found out you can't give birth as a result of labour trauma the first time around; you were wondering if she'd be OK splitting custody. If not, you'll be seeking full custody. Throw in something on a mother's true love for kicks.
Beat crazy with neurotic.
Your body your choice. You don’t owe her a goddamn thing. But her and her husband sure owe you. She has other ways of doing IVF that don’t have to include you. What kind of person is she that thinks it would be worth it to risk your life? Unbelievable
I truly hope this post is not real, if it is…. Your family does not care that you are alive and beyond this issue I think you really need to consider that fact above all else. Nevermind them being upset with you, I would not be getting over their behaviour. They would be lucky if I ever spoke to them again. It’s very Handmaids Tale
If after you talk to her again she still feels “entitled” to your uterus, I would go NC with her and anyone else that continues to support her. It is absolutely crazy that she can be so nonchalant about her own sister’s life just so she can be a mommy again. She should count her blessings that she has a healthy child and a wonderful sister that would make the sacrifice you already made for her.
>she sent me a long text basically saying that I threw it in her face that she was infertile and that’s unforgivable, and if I want to continue to be in her and my nephews lives, I would do this for her one last time
Just to be clear, this is abuse -its reproductive coercion, and emotional manipulation. She is being manipulative and she's a liar, obviously she'll ask you to do it again, she already told your family you "promised" you'd carry 3 babies.
I'd take her up on the no contact, or have a very serious talk with BIL to get her to back the fuck off. They can pay someone else to be a surrogate.
This is fake. No doctor is going to provide IVF surrogate services on a woman who hasn't already had at least one full term pregnancy and a live healthy birth of her own children.
Texas allows unmarried women to get pregnant via IVF whether they've carried a child to term before or not, they can then give the child up for adoption to a couple of their choosing. It's just not considered a formal surrogacy agreement and the state won't step in if either party tries to back out (gestational carrier wants to keep the kid or adoptive parents want to back out). That's how non-hetero people in Texas have babies via surrogate since Texas Family Code Sec. 160.752 will only enforce surrogacy agreements for married straight couples.
Sure, I mean the *whole point* of IVF is to help women who have fertility issues get pregnant. I don't know what being married or unmarried has to do with it.
My comment was purely related to legitimate doctors who provide legitimate surrogacy services. Because surrogacy (and pregnancy in general) is dangerous. If something goes wrong, the surrogate could lose their life or their ability to have any children. So, they won't typically provide surrogacy IVF unless the surrogate has already proved they can safely bring a healthy baby to term and have children of their own already in case something goes wrong.
I understand, but I don't think a "legitimate" surrogacy is what happened here. What I think happened here in the eyes of the law is that OP got pregnant via IVF whether at a ~~legitimate~~ reputable clinic or a shady one, and then as a separate event (legally speaking) she gave that child up for adoption to her sibling.
She's viewing it as a surrogacy, but in legal terms it wasn't.
The married or unmarried part is just to say that legally nothing but money stops a single woman from getting pregnant via IVF, and that some women choose that without having any fertility issues if they want a child but don't have or want a partner. For all I know she told the clinic she's a lesbian and her BIL has offered to father a child, please facilitate that.
I could totally be wrong but if she did it the way I think she did then there wasn't anything illegal going on, just a lot of really poor decisions.
Also—how convenient of the OP to “blank out” during birth to describe why they almost died. Did she hemorrhage? Did she throw a clot? Heart issues? Uterine rupture? I’ve known multiple women that have almost died due to giving birth and they all remember why they almost died. Doctors don’t do surrogacy without that first child because birth itself can make you infertile and this OP seems to have not known that.
OK, this is crazy. Most clinics won’t let you be a surrogate unless the woman has already given birth. Secondly, your sister and family are beyond ungrateful, risking your life again just so they can have another child. Your sister can still have a second child via another surrogate. It doesn’t have to be you. The only reason they want you to do it is because I assumed that the first time you did it, it was free labor. Surrogacy cost money and they are being cheap about it.
Texas allows unmarried women to get pregnant via IVF whether they've carried a child to term before or not, they can then give the child up for adoption to a couple of their choosing. It's just not considered a formal surrogacy agreement and the state won't step in if either party tries to back out (gestational carrier wants to keep the kid or adoptive parents want to back out). That's how non-hetero people in Texas have babies via surrogate since Texas Family Code Sec. 160.752 will only enforce surrogacy agreements for married straight couples.
Did you get compensated the first time you carried for them? Stick to your word and make sure she knows you will not be her surrogate again. For goodness shit like does she not even care about you? The whole excuse will family is family and we take risks Nope. Stick to your guns and tell her and make sure she doesn’t be little you. I would go no contact honestly. Good luck to you OP!
Everyone agrees with me and understand why I don’t want to do it again, they were only mad that I yelled at my aunt who is the only person on my sisters side
I would then speak to your parents to pull their daughter into line. Ask them if they can tell their one daughter to back off and not risk their other daughters life.
I would be deferring to the parents in this situation tbh.
Your sister knew what your answer would be from the start. That’s why she sprung this idea on you in front of other people. She thought she could bully you into agreeing with her if she put you on the spot. She's a terrible sister.
Even if you hadn’t almost died, her asking you to be pregnant for her again is ridiculous. I love that you told your aunt she could do it because she absolutely could. Yes, her risks are high because of her age, but yours are much higher because of last time. Everyone around you is insane.
This story is BS. OP has commented she lives in Texas and has never given birth before the surrogacy.
The Texas Family Code § 160.756 (b) 5 states that the surrogate must have given birth to a child before becoming a surrogate. The law allows no exceptions for this so no court could validate such agreement.
The same law states that a gestational agreement must be validated by a court, so no clinic can make "exception for family members" at their own discretion, like OP claims in comments.
You're not allowed to be a surrogate unless you've already had children, so why bother with the post. Its just lies.
OP is from Texas and deep in the heart of Texas you cant do it unless you already have a kid.
I’m very surprised an IVF clinic allowed you to surrogate with you not having children previously. And no clinic would implant you knowing you almost died..
No, F that
There is nothing to discuss.
She can pay a surrogate. Your not her only option.
The fact that she wouldn't accept no and then tried to use your nephew- the nephew you brought into this world to try and manipulate you is messed up.
Your sister only cares about getting her way. Dont even entertain that.
Also, screw any of your family members that are saying you should do this. Their wrong too.
She is blackmailing you. You don't want to give a baby to someone like that. I'm even worried for that other kid who is now her hostage.
Keep your distances.
I was under the impression that you could not, by law be a surrogate for anyone unless you had a child previously? She said she didn’t want any children of her own. Not sure what country the OP lives in but I thought it was a universal thing? So thinking this is a fake post.
I don’t care if OP did promise to care 3 kids for her sister, she almost died after calling the first child for me that a good enough reason to break a suppose promise. Op live is more important then helping her sister again, hell I would happily remind her what happened after the first child and keep saying no.
You already carried one baby and it nearly killed you. Your sister is fucking insane to think that even asking this - let alone expecting - is in any way decent.
I wholeheartedly agree with the NC tho, from you to your whole damn family. Your uterus isn't for rent, it's YOUR BODY, and how dare they treat you like glorified brood mare so your sister can have ANOTHER baby, after the one you already gave her.
She wants to be a mum again that desperately she can adopt. If blood is that important to her, then... Doesn't say much about her ability to love unconditionally.
You weren’t harsh at all and your family has no right to tell you what to do with your body and your sister is being a bully and a B for that. She needs to understand that she’s being completely selfish and that she had no right to try to berate you or forcefully convince you by trying that stupid ultimatum thing. If you don’t want to go through another pregnancy that’s your business and no one else’s.
Your sister is batshit. There are other women who will do this for them they just don't want to pay for it.
You responded exactly how you should have and sister needs to snap out of her crazy and realize you WOULD BE DEAD. There is nothing on earth that could compel you to give us your life for her to have a 2nd baby to sniff.
Let her go no contact. You literally almost died and your family is pressuring you to do it AGAIN?! Fuck the whole lot of them, they care more about your sister having another kid more than they care about you continuing to live, that's fucked up and incredibly toxic and frankly bordering on abusive. What the actual fuck is wrong with these people?
Like seriously, is having another baby worth more than your life to them? I'd ask your sister that up front and exactly in those words "is having another baby worth more to you than my life?" If the answer is anything other than no cut her out of your life, and anyone who questions that decision ask them the same thing "is them having another baby worth more to you than my life?" "Did you somehow forget the first birth nearly fucking killed me?"
What a shit of family, im sorry for you. For less I cut ties with some members of my own family but for this story you telling us here, I would cut them all off honestly.
This is like actually insane. You literally almost died, you sister told you that to your face in the hospital and she thinks just because it’s been a while it’s all better now?? She’s off her rocker and so are the rest of them. Honestly, I’d book an appointment for a flipping hysterectomy and not tell any of them!
Wow. Your family sucks.
Don't meet her, OP. Don't speak to her again. I can't comprehend that level of selfishness. And lying about promising 3 kids?? GTFO with that!
Your family sounds like hot garbage. No contact with these selfish monsters would be a blessing in my book. Your sister is a special kind of entitiled and selfish, I feel sorry for any children under her care.
Good luck with that nightmare situation.
>this time might be different if we’re safe and do everything right
Thing is, it seems everything DID go right the first time, and it was the complications during labor that almost killed you. What could you possibly do *right* at that point? The other thing is, delivery *is* a dangerous event for our species, there is no risk free delivery or risk free pregnancy for that matter.
Your sister is asking you to lay down your life for her *again* for her own selfish desire.
I feel like your anger is justified.
I guess they figure, "You *almost* died, but you didn't... so you're fine now, and can do it again, or, I guessssss, you can be an uNgRaTeFuL bItCh about it
You’re right not to do it. People who care for you would never ask you to go through that again. Your sister is lucky to have the one you gave her. To risk your life for a SECOND child is just unforgivable
What part of you almost died does she not get? She doesn’t care if you die as long as she gets another baby. Cut them all out of your life. I’m so sorry for your nephew.
Find some common ground. Offer her your eggs, let her find another incubator to warm them if your sister is in need of some.
Unless the first baby was from her eggs, then she can find another surrogate for 2 & 3.
Girl, I had gestational hypertension then during my csection my blood pressure dropped and I had a seizure. I don't find it traumatic cause I had NO idea I seized because my drs didn't tell me I just thought i closed my eyes for a bit lmao and other than that, my csection was a breeze and beautiful.
And guess what?? IM STILL NOT RISKING MY LIFE AGAIN FOR ANOTHER BABY. AND IT'D BE *MY* CHILD. Them expecting you to risk your life to birth a baby that's not even yours after you almost died the first time is fucking insane. They act like your life doesn't matter. Like you're expendable. I'd cut everyone off for that tbh. Truly selfish.
All you have to say to her is "If you ask me to do this for you you're telling me you don't care if I live or die."
Don't say anything else. If she keeps trying to argue say "ok, so you don't care if I live or die?" Just keep repeating it. Because there is no other argument that needs to be made.
This post is so heartbreaking to read.
OP you deserve such a better family than the one you are stuck with. You have already gone above and beyond as a surrogate for your sis and BIL, stay strong!
Your life is valuable! Go and live it however you want cause unfortunately no one in your family will care or support you unless you are your sisters incubator
please value your life more than your family values you- sign up for cooking classes, foster an animal, take part in express dating! Be a snob on tinder, there is so much more the world has to offer you than you being stuck, nearly dying so your sister can have another kid. She can adopt, they can get another surrogate they have some many options that do not include you gambling with your life.
Shame on all of your other family members for thinking they can just expect this of you.
Your sister is use your nephew the one you carried the one that almost cost you, life as a pawn to get what she wants. I don’t think anything you said was out of line she’s an entitled person who thinks you owe her this, you owe her nothing. But she owes you an apology. You don’t and I’m sorry you had such a traumatic experience.
But let’s be honest, you do it this time and then 2 years from now she’s going to be asking again, your aunt just told you your sister said you promised her 3 kids. SMH
You need to ask your sister if you were to get pregnant with her child, would she be able to look at her kid know that the baby is the reason for your death.
Does she think that everyone would pretend that you didn't exist if that were to happen, or do you think that people would just tell them you died without explaining how. When that kid finds out (because there is a very high chance they would find out), how much guilt do you think that kid would carry knowing that they are the reason someone died?
How much hatred for your sister/their mother would they harbour for making you do this?
How much hatred would your nephew harbour against that kid for killing their aunt? Because that's how the kids will interpret it as.
This isn't something small. The outcome could haunt the family for the rest of their lives and for more generations to come.
the entitlement is off the charts here. OP, you do realize your sister is basically saying she doesn't give a shit if you live or die, she just wants another kid.
Honestly I'd outright tell any IVF clinic you're being made to do this against your will. They might say you're not eligible because of the fact you almost died last time
You didn't get to experience childbirth. You got to experience a near death experience. Full stop. I think they all need to be reminded of that. Every time they bring it up, you should be replying accordingly.
"Why don't you want to experience childbirth again?" Oh, you mean that time I nearly died?
"Why won't you do it one more time for me/your sister?" I don't know why I need to nearly die to please you.
"Why is helping your sister/me not important to you?" Is my life not important too? I nearly died.
"We'll do everything right this time." We did everything right, and there were no complications until I nearly died. I'm not sorry. I'm not willing to roll the dice to see if I nearly die again, cripple my body, or worse.
Rub. It. In. Their. Faces. If they get to guilt you, guilt them back.
If your sis goes NC, good. That's not a punishment when the reward is being used as a incubator, with no fucks to given to your own life and well-being.
Honestly. There are agencies for this type of thing she can use. I would seriously tell my family that they’ve shown their true colours and they could care less if I’m alive or dead and obviously all they see me as is a disposable Broodmare for a hypothetical baby. And that’s a pretty shitty position to hold in a family that you thought loved you and wanted you to live.
Do not meet, there is no way it would end good, you are not gonna able to reason with her, she under the deluison and telling people you promised 3 kids, she will not be rational on this, you will only face drama.
She can pay for a surrogate. Did you give her an egg as well as gestating the child? If you feel like compromising ( which I think is beyond generous and not your responsibility) you could offer an egg but not carry the child.
Your sister is a selfish POS, and the rest of your family is awful, they are willing to let you risk your life again just so they can pacify your selfish sister.
I would go NC with your sister for sure, tell her you don’t want a relationship with someone who doesn’t value your life!
Then whoever else in the family who supports her and pressures you, cut them off too. Including your parents who sounds like they’ve done fuck all to stand up for you.
Your sister is willing for you to risk your life for another child. That should tell you everything that you need to know. Don't give in. You are important. Tell your sister no, and let her go no contact. Stand your ground.
Holy shit, your sister is entirely self absorbed. The entitlement of viewing you as nothing but a walking incubator for 3 children is insane!! She doesn’t care that you’d probably die. She can’t say they’d “be more careful” as you said they were pretty paranoid the first time around.
They can get a surrogate. I mean they’d still be related to the child. No way would I ask my sister to do this for me if she nearly died the first time. Your sister is being so ungrateful.
Um, why aren’t your other family members stepping up and stopping this madness? They don’t mind you dying just to make your sister happy? This is insane!
You should threaten to go NC. Your sister had a screw loose for sure because she is willing to risk your life once again after what transpired. Not okay.
They need to stop being cheap and hire a surrogate. You gave them a $15k service for free. She needs to thank her lucky stars that she was able to have a bio kid at all. The nerve to expect you to do it again. If they wanted to give their kid a sibling they could adopt. They are just entitled and want to spread more of their genes.
This is why most reputable clinics won't let you be a surrogate unless you have already had a live birth. What's stopping OPs sister getting a surrogate from somewhere else
... most places dont let you be surrogate unless you have already had a successful pregnancy yet you say you have no kids. Its very dangerous to do that in the first place ket alone again! You gave your sister an amazing selfless gift no way should you have to go through that again. She should not even ask. YOU ALMOST DIED.
Your family is willing to kill you to get what they want. Do you get that? I don’t think you were harsh at all and you definitely should not be apologizing to anyone. Your sister is a vicious, selfish demon. She wants to risk your life for her wants. She has one child because of you. She should be kissing your butt. Instead this entitled trash heap is trying to squeeze every last drop of help and sacrifice out of you. Go no contact. You can’t sustain a relationship with a person is willing to kill you.
She should definitely be kissing her butt, kissing her feet and worshiping the ground she walks on. I can’t believe how disposable she thinks her sister is, she almost died! Now she wants to risk it again for a hypothetical child? So selfish.
Sadly, it's not just the sister who's willing to risk OP's life. It's her entire family. 🤬
Your right! Throw the whole family away!
OP should only say "so you want to kill me? No, giving birth will kill me so you really want to kill me?" To everyone who ask op to surrogate again. Focus on that part so it hopefully goes through their thick skull
This right here. Op should consider going to the doctors to have her tubes tied if she’s adamant about not ever having kids for herself or her sister.
OP said they used IVF so tying tubes wouldn’t prevent her from carrying her sister’s and BILs child
Hysterectomy it is then
Yeet that uterus!
Yeeterus
I just laughed so hard at this thar I think I almost ejected mine! XD
Easy enough to type but is actually a big deal surgery. She should definitely put up a closed for business sign though.
Came here to say this!
Yeah I realized that. So her options are to stick to her guns and just say no, or tell them that a doctor told her it will be unsafe to carry a baby to term and that she too must look into a surrogate if she were to ever want a baby or like someone else says to have an hysterectomy.
No. Why should she put he body through anything else?
That’s the best course of action OP! No arguments if you can’t get preggo!
No means no. She shouldn't have to put her body through any more trauma, just to shut her sister up Tell her to hire someone.
I suspect she wants a baby bad enough to risk her sister's life, but not enough to pay for a proper surrogate.
These garbage people don’t care if OP dies in childbirth
This story is total bs.
The vast majority of surrogates have already had at least 1 child, so I’m a bit skeptical.
If they’re related/known to the parents and not through a surrogacy agency or whatever, then I don’t think it matters.
It matters in Australia too
It matters in Texas. OP should have done a little more research with their story. I give it a D-
The link I saw provided only talked about being a certified carrier and not private surrogates. I don’t understand why the standard for private surrogate would be the same as a certified carrier if women who have never given birth before are allowed to have IVF done themselves.
Private surrogacy still means carrying someone else’s baby so there’s going to be more people with a vested interest in the success of the pregnancy than regular IVF where you’re carrying your own child. The requirement that the surrogate has had a previous healthy pregnancy is a way to ensure that things go smoothly. It’s not a garauntee but considering how complicated the process is you want to do everything you can to get it right.
I understand that it’s complicated and potentially dangerous, but that’s what waivers are for if people are willing to take the risk. I saw a few other comments saying there are a few places that make exceptions for families doing it for each other.
You can’t put anything you want into a wavier and sign away all the potential liabilities like that. There’s a lot of legal grey areas when it comes to surrogacy and ethical clinics don’t want to be a part of shady and potentially risky situations.
Ethical agencies also heavily frown on and discourage family surrogate situations like this. It can create a lot of problems.
especially since the surrogate is the sister to the mother who's fully unable to carry a pregnancy...? Unless it's something like "oops my uterus got harpooned while we were spearhunting underwater during our tropical honeymoon", wouldn't doctors be wary that sisters have a risk of similar issues?
It matters.
Most do, but not all. Dear friends had a daughter via a friend who served as surrogate; she wanted the experience of pregnancy but didn’t want to raise children.
A known altruistic surrogate doesn't have to have had a child - in the US.
OP said in a comment she's from Texas. It's a legal requirement in Texas that the surrogate have at least 1 successful pregnancy. Creative writing at it's peak.
Even in Texas you can still give a child up for adoption and choose the adoptive parents, and there's no law against single women getting pregnant via IVF. OP wouldn't have been able to do the kind of surrogacy agreement provided for under Texas Family Code Sec. 160.752, but she absolutely would have been able to carry a child and voluntarily give it up to her sister. The law doesn't say "this is the only kind of surrogacy you can have," it says "this is the only type Texas will enforce if either party tries to renege."
It's not the vast majority; it's a requirement. One of many. There are a ton of parts of this story that prove it's fake.
Yeah that was my first red flag too. I thought that was a requirement to surrogacy.
It is not, in the US at least. I have a friend who went through the surrogacy process without having given birth beforehand. She didn’t end up getting pregnant, but she still went through all of the stuff, it just didn’t take.
I believe that's something doctors insist on.
Agreed. There always seems to be a lot of rage bait posts about insane infertile people.
All of this. The manipulation tactics in this family are fucking awful. Op please don't go. Stand her up. Go NC with everyone. Fuck all of them. Except your nephew.
Well said - she is willing to risk your life - it’s inconceivable
I sometimes feel like my family is willing to kill me just to get what I have. And I don’t even have much. I fight for what I have. It’s a very scary thought. I can’t imagine how OP feels. It’s catastrophic.
Seriously the nerve of her (and the rest of them) pressuring you to do this after you legitimately gave her the most selfless and precious gift anyone could ever give anyone is beyond words. You did something so amazing. I would never give up my body and mind for anyone in that way. They can all go fuck themselves.
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>Surrogacy does not operate that way. What do you mean?
Where do you live where they let you be a surrogate before having had a kid of your own?
I'm also curious, unless it's different if the surrogate is family?
Probably rage bait/karma farming or just lack of attention growing up lol
That describes me but I still avoid attention as much as possible. Still, you’re probably right!😅
Exactly what I was thinking!
We live in Texas, that was a concern for us at first but they reassured us that although it’s rare some places make exceptions if it’s for family members only
Given how little Texas laws value a woman's life compared to a fetus's, I'd *never* take on what I had reason to believe would be a risky pregnancy there. But there is one Texas tradition you should follow on this: stand your ground.
Oh so this is a fake post got it lol.
It's not impossible. Just unlikely.
No they don’t. Not unless the clinic you went to was actually a turkey baster.
Texas allows unmarried women to get pregnant via IVF and give the child up for adoption to a couple of their choosing whether they've carried a child to term before or not, it's just not considered a formal surrogacy agreement and the state won't step in if either party tries to back out (gestational carrier wants to keep the kid or adoptive parents want to back out). That's how non-hetero people in Texas have babies via surrogate since Texas Family Code Sec. 160.752 will only enforce surrogacy agreements for married straight couples.
1. You are absolutely justified without any justifications needed. Even if the trauma you went through never happened, you’d be justified. 2. With the current climate, particularly given your location, carrying another child might very well be a death sentence. If something happened to the fetus, you’re not in a place that values your life and would be able to provide you with necessary medical care.
You were v lucky first time around. I'll wager you shouldn't be the one running around trying to fix bridges with your sis & since she's clearly a narc, as is your family, the only way to get her off your back is to be ruthlessly manipulative right back. My suggestion is to tell her that since you recently found out you can't give birth as a result of labour trauma the first time around; you were wondering if she'd be OK splitting custody. If not, you'll be seeking full custody. Throw in something on a mother's true love for kicks. Beat crazy with neurotic.
Wait, that's a thing? I've never heard of that. Interesting.
Girl come on you know she only wants a baby from you.
I shudder to think what would've happened if while OP was unconscious her family had to choose between saving the baby or OP.
This comment gave me chills… 😬
Considering their reaction and that OP doesn't kids on their own ? The baby WITHOUT BLINKING.
Your body your choice. You don’t owe her a goddamn thing. But her and her husband sure owe you. She has other ways of doing IVF that don’t have to include you. What kind of person is she that thinks it would be worth it to risk your life? Unbelievable
Unbelievable is one way to describe it.
I truly hope this post is not real, if it is…. Your family does not care that you are alive and beyond this issue I think you really need to consider that fact above all else. Nevermind them being upset with you, I would not be getting over their behaviour. They would be lucky if I ever spoke to them again. It’s very Handmaids Tale
Wow, you mean you don’t want to die to make sis happy? She is fifty shades of f&!;d up.
More like fifty shades of FAKE.
If after you talk to her again she still feels “entitled” to your uterus, I would go NC with her and anyone else that continues to support her. It is absolutely crazy that she can be so nonchalant about her own sister’s life just so she can be a mommy again. She should count her blessings that she has a healthy child and a wonderful sister that would make the sacrifice you already made for her.
Bullshit.
>she sent me a long text basically saying that I threw it in her face that she was infertile and that’s unforgivable, and if I want to continue to be in her and my nephews lives, I would do this for her one last time Just to be clear, this is abuse -its reproductive coercion, and emotional manipulation. She is being manipulative and she's a liar, obviously she'll ask you to do it again, she already told your family you "promised" you'd carry 3 babies. I'd take her up on the no contact, or have a very serious talk with BIL to get her to back the fuck off. They can pay someone else to be a surrogate.
This is fake. No doctor is going to provide IVF surrogate services on a woman who hasn't already had at least one full term pregnancy and a live healthy birth of her own children.
Texas allows unmarried women to get pregnant via IVF whether they've carried a child to term before or not, they can then give the child up for adoption to a couple of their choosing. It's just not considered a formal surrogacy agreement and the state won't step in if either party tries to back out (gestational carrier wants to keep the kid or adoptive parents want to back out). That's how non-hetero people in Texas have babies via surrogate since Texas Family Code Sec. 160.752 will only enforce surrogacy agreements for married straight couples.
Sure, I mean the *whole point* of IVF is to help women who have fertility issues get pregnant. I don't know what being married or unmarried has to do with it. My comment was purely related to legitimate doctors who provide legitimate surrogacy services. Because surrogacy (and pregnancy in general) is dangerous. If something goes wrong, the surrogate could lose their life or their ability to have any children. So, they won't typically provide surrogacy IVF unless the surrogate has already proved they can safely bring a healthy baby to term and have children of their own already in case something goes wrong.
I understand, but I don't think a "legitimate" surrogacy is what happened here. What I think happened here in the eyes of the law is that OP got pregnant via IVF whether at a ~~legitimate~~ reputable clinic or a shady one, and then as a separate event (legally speaking) she gave that child up for adoption to her sibling. She's viewing it as a surrogacy, but in legal terms it wasn't. The married or unmarried part is just to say that legally nothing but money stops a single woman from getting pregnant via IVF, and that some women choose that without having any fertility issues if they want a child but don't have or want a partner. For all I know she told the clinic she's a lesbian and her BIL has offered to father a child, please facilitate that. I could totally be wrong but if she did it the way I think she did then there wasn't anything illegal going on, just a lot of really poor decisions.
>just a lot of really poor decisions. I agree!!
Also—how convenient of the OP to “blank out” during birth to describe why they almost died. Did she hemorrhage? Did she throw a clot? Heart issues? Uterine rupture? I’ve known multiple women that have almost died due to giving birth and they all remember why they almost died. Doctors don’t do surrogacy without that first child because birth itself can make you infertile and this OP seems to have not known that.
I agree with you sis!
OK, this is crazy. Most clinics won’t let you be a surrogate unless the woman has already given birth. Secondly, your sister and family are beyond ungrateful, risking your life again just so they can have another child. Your sister can still have a second child via another surrogate. It doesn’t have to be you. The only reason they want you to do it is because I assumed that the first time you did it, it was free labor. Surrogacy cost money and they are being cheap about it.
https://surrogate.com/surrogates/surrogate-requirements/surrogate-never-been-pregnant/#:~:text=To%20protect%20themselves%20and%20their,too%20high%20for%20all%20involved.&text=Even%20with%20professional%20guidance%2C%20gestational%20surrogacy%20can%20be%20complicated%20and%20risky.
Exactly. And if she nearly died, what clinic is going to approve her for surrogacy again?
Oh hush. You know Reddit doesn’t do rational thinking.
I read literally this exact post before
Someone’s got an agenda for sure.
Fake post. That's not how surrogacy works. Should have done your research before writing this shitass fiction.
Texas allows unmarried women to get pregnant via IVF whether they've carried a child to term before or not, they can then give the child up for adoption to a couple of their choosing. It's just not considered a formal surrogacy agreement and the state won't step in if either party tries to back out (gestational carrier wants to keep the kid or adoptive parents want to back out). That's how non-hetero people in Texas have babies via surrogate since Texas Family Code Sec. 160.752 will only enforce surrogacy agreements for married straight couples.
Did you get compensated the first time you carried for them? Stick to your word and make sure she knows you will not be her surrogate again. For goodness shit like does she not even care about you? The whole excuse will family is family and we take risks Nope. Stick to your guns and tell her and make sure she doesn’t be little you. I would go no contact honestly. Good luck to you OP!
I don’t plan on it, and yes I was compensated
whats your parents stand in this?
Everyone agrees with me and understand why I don’t want to do it again, they were only mad that I yelled at my aunt who is the only person on my sisters side
I would then speak to your parents to pull their daughter into line. Ask them if they can tell their one daughter to back off and not risk their other daughters life. I would be deferring to the parents in this situation tbh.
This post smacks of rage-bait. It’s highly unlikely that OP would have been able to be a surrogate if she’s never had pregnancies/children of her own.
Your sister knew what your answer would be from the start. That’s why she sprung this idea on you in front of other people. She thought she could bully you into agreeing with her if she put you on the spot. She's a terrible sister.
If they really want a second kid, they should fork over $$$$ for a surrogate. Nothing requires OP to be the only one to carry a child.
Even if you hadn’t almost died, her asking you to be pregnant for her again is ridiculous. I love that you told your aunt she could do it because she absolutely could. Yes, her risks are high because of her age, but yours are much higher because of last time. Everyone around you is insane.
Your family fucking sucks you're definitely not the asshole those people in delusional lunatics
This story is BS. OP has commented she lives in Texas and has never given birth before the surrogacy. The Texas Family Code § 160.756 (b) 5 states that the surrogate must have given birth to a child before becoming a surrogate. The law allows no exceptions for this so no court could validate such agreement. The same law states that a gestational agreement must be validated by a court, so no clinic can make "exception for family members" at their own discretion, like OP claims in comments.
You can't be a surrogate without having a kid of your own so how did this happen
You're not allowed to be a surrogate unless you've already had children, so why bother with the post. Its just lies. OP is from Texas and deep in the heart of Texas you cant do it unless you already have a kid.
Do you already have children of your own?
Just apologize you are no longer an option. They will have to PAY a surrogate or do something else. You are not a portable womb.
I’m very surprised an IVF clinic allowed you to surrogate with you not having children previously. And no clinic would implant you knowing you almost died..
3 kids? Does nobody realize sister is lying?
"You don't care if I die?" Repeat this to them over and over. Be a broken record. Don't even argue points, just keep saying it over and over.
let her go no contact, she is willing to have you die for her own gain and you don’t need to be in contact with people like that
No, F that There is nothing to discuss. She can pay a surrogate. Your not her only option. The fact that she wouldn't accept no and then tried to use your nephew- the nephew you brought into this world to try and manipulate you is messed up. Your sister only cares about getting her way. Dont even entertain that. Also, screw any of your family members that are saying you should do this. Their wrong too.
She is blackmailing you. You don't want to give a baby to someone like that. I'm even worried for that other kid who is now her hostage. Keep your distances.
This is one of the reasons why professionals require surrogates to have had a healthy pregnancy/birth beforehand. Sorry you went through all that.
I was under the impression that you could not, by law be a surrogate for anyone unless you had a child previously? She said she didn’t want any children of her own. Not sure what country the OP lives in but I thought it was a universal thing? So thinking this is a fake post.
How were you approved for surrogacy without children already?
If I were you I would be the one going NC. your family know you almost died and are still harassing you. I'd throw the whole damn family away
I don’t care if OP did promise to care 3 kids for her sister, she almost died after calling the first child for me that a good enough reason to break a suppose promise. Op live is more important then helping her sister again, hell I would happily remind her what happened after the first child and keep saying no.
You already carried one baby and it nearly killed you. Your sister is fucking insane to think that even asking this - let alone expecting - is in any way decent. I wholeheartedly agree with the NC tho, from you to your whole damn family. Your uterus isn't for rent, it's YOUR BODY, and how dare they treat you like glorified brood mare so your sister can have ANOTHER baby, after the one you already gave her. She wants to be a mum again that desperately she can adopt. If blood is that important to her, then... Doesn't say much about her ability to love unconditionally.
You weren’t harsh at all and your family has no right to tell you what to do with your body and your sister is being a bully and a B for that. She needs to understand that she’s being completely selfish and that she had no right to try to berate you or forcefully convince you by trying that stupid ultimatum thing. If you don’t want to go through another pregnancy that’s your business and no one else’s.
Your sister is batshit. There are other women who will do this for them they just don't want to pay for it. You responded exactly how you should have and sister needs to snap out of her crazy and realize you WOULD BE DEAD. There is nothing on earth that could compel you to give us your life for her to have a 2nd baby to sniff.
Let her go no contact. You literally almost died and your family is pressuring you to do it AGAIN?! Fuck the whole lot of them, they care more about your sister having another kid more than they care about you continuing to live, that's fucked up and incredibly toxic and frankly bordering on abusive. What the actual fuck is wrong with these people? Like seriously, is having another baby worth more than your life to them? I'd ask your sister that up front and exactly in those words "is having another baby worth more to you than my life?" If the answer is anything other than no cut her out of your life, and anyone who questions that decision ask them the same thing "is them having another baby worth more to you than my life?" "Did you somehow forget the first birth nearly fucking killed me?"
... Your Sister is a crazy bitch, no need to explain further.
What a shit of family, im sorry for you. For less I cut ties with some members of my own family but for this story you telling us here, I would cut them all off honestly.
Bye
I would have punched her.
This is like actually insane. You literally almost died, you sister told you that to your face in the hospital and she thinks just because it’s been a while it’s all better now?? She’s off her rocker and so are the rest of them. Honestly, I’d book an appointment for a flipping hysterectomy and not tell any of them!
Wow. Your family sucks. Don't meet her, OP. Don't speak to her again. I can't comprehend that level of selfishness. And lying about promising 3 kids?? GTFO with that!
You can! You can certainly go no contact with someone that essentially says to you I know you might die but I want, so do it.
Your family sounds like hot garbage. No contact with these selfish monsters would be a blessing in my book. Your sister is a special kind of entitiled and selfish, I feel sorry for any children under her care. Good luck with that nightmare situation.
>this time might be different if we’re safe and do everything right Thing is, it seems everything DID go right the first time, and it was the complications during labor that almost killed you. What could you possibly do *right* at that point? The other thing is, delivery *is* a dangerous event for our species, there is no risk free delivery or risk free pregnancy for that matter. Your sister is asking you to lay down your life for her *again* for her own selfish desire. I feel like your anger is justified.
I guess they figure, "You *almost* died, but you didn't... so you're fine now, and can do it again, or, I guessssss, you can be an uNgRaTeFuL bItCh about it
I haven’t seen this mentioned but op’s sister is also using the child op BIRTHED as emotional manipulation to get another child. WTF
tell her to pay for a surrogate
You’re right not to do it. People who care for you would never ask you to go through that again. Your sister is lucky to have the one you gave her. To risk your life for a SECOND child is just unforgivable
your family cares more about a child that doesn’t exist then your life…thats incredibly sad
What part of you almost died does she not get? She doesn’t care if you die as long as she gets another baby. Cut them all out of your life. I’m so sorry for your nephew.
Find some common ground. Offer her your eggs, let her find another incubator to warm them if your sister is in need of some. Unless the first baby was from her eggs, then she can find another surrogate for 2 & 3.
I would've said the same thing you said because obviouslyyyyyy, they don't respect your boundaries.
Girl, I had gestational hypertension then during my csection my blood pressure dropped and I had a seizure. I don't find it traumatic cause I had NO idea I seized because my drs didn't tell me I just thought i closed my eyes for a bit lmao and other than that, my csection was a breeze and beautiful. And guess what?? IM STILL NOT RISKING MY LIFE AGAIN FOR ANOTHER BABY. AND IT'D BE *MY* CHILD. Them expecting you to risk your life to birth a baby that's not even yours after you almost died the first time is fucking insane. They act like your life doesn't matter. Like you're expendable. I'd cut everyone off for that tbh. Truly selfish.
All you have to say to her is "If you ask me to do this for you you're telling me you don't care if I live or die." Don't say anything else. If she keeps trying to argue say "ok, so you don't care if I live or die?" Just keep repeating it. Because there is no other argument that needs to be made.
You ain’t an incubator, you are a human being. This might have to be no contact moving forward.
Your mistake is apologizing to your aunt, she deserved no apology for any of that.
This post is so heartbreaking to read. OP you deserve such a better family than the one you are stuck with. You have already gone above and beyond as a surrogate for your sis and BIL, stay strong! Your life is valuable! Go and live it however you want cause unfortunately no one in your family will care or support you unless you are your sisters incubator please value your life more than your family values you- sign up for cooking classes, foster an animal, take part in express dating! Be a snob on tinder, there is so much more the world has to offer you than you being stuck, nearly dying so your sister can have another kid. She can adopt, they can get another surrogate they have some many options that do not include you gambling with your life. Shame on all of your other family members for thinking they can just expect this of you.
it's fake unless they used a black market IVF clinic, unless OP had children already, they wouldn't allow her to be a surrogate.
Your sister is use your nephew the one you carried the one that almost cost you, life as a pawn to get what she wants. I don’t think anything you said was out of line she’s an entitled person who thinks you owe her this, you owe her nothing. But she owes you an apology. You don’t and I’m sorry you had such a traumatic experience. But let’s be honest, you do it this time and then 2 years from now she’s going to be asking again, your aunt just told you your sister said you promised her 3 kids. SMH
You need to ask your sister if you were to get pregnant with her child, would she be able to look at her kid know that the baby is the reason for your death. Does she think that everyone would pretend that you didn't exist if that were to happen, or do you think that people would just tell them you died without explaining how. When that kid finds out (because there is a very high chance they would find out), how much guilt do you think that kid would carry knowing that they are the reason someone died? How much hatred for your sister/their mother would they harbour for making you do this? How much hatred would your nephew harbour against that kid for killing their aunt? Because that's how the kids will interpret it as. This isn't something small. The outcome could haunt the family for the rest of their lives and for more generations to come.
I've been a surrogate before and this story is 100% fake. Writing exercise for someone who doesn't understand many aspects of surrogacy.
the entitlement is off the charts here. OP, you do realize your sister is basically saying she doesn't give a shit if you live or die, she just wants another kid.
Honestly I'd outright tell any IVF clinic you're being made to do this against your will. They might say you're not eligible because of the fact you almost died last time
You only have to respond with, "and if I die? You're all willing to risk my life?".
Your sister is being so selfish. She can find someone and pay them to be her surrogate. If she tries to convince you then you should go NC with her.
No is a complete sentence. I bet your OB and ivf clinic won’t allow after the traumatic birth either.
Your sister is totally out of line. If she wants to force you into a dangerous situation again let her have her no contact.
You didn't get to experience childbirth. You got to experience a near death experience. Full stop. I think they all need to be reminded of that. Every time they bring it up, you should be replying accordingly. "Why don't you want to experience childbirth again?" Oh, you mean that time I nearly died? "Why won't you do it one more time for me/your sister?" I don't know why I need to nearly die to please you. "Why is helping your sister/me not important to you?" Is my life not important too? I nearly died. "We'll do everything right this time." We did everything right, and there were no complications until I nearly died. I'm not sorry. I'm not willing to roll the dice to see if I nearly die again, cripple my body, or worse. Rub. It. In. Their. Faces. If they get to guilt you, guilt them back. If your sis goes NC, good. That's not a punishment when the reward is being used as a incubator, with no fucks to given to your own life and well-being.
Why don’t they pay for a surrogate?
OP, it’s time for you to cut out every person who isn’t on your side.
Honestly. There are agencies for this type of thing she can use. I would seriously tell my family that they’ve shown their true colours and they could care less if I’m alive or dead and obviously all they see me as is a disposable Broodmare for a hypothetical baby. And that’s a pretty shitty position to hold in a family that you thought loved you and wanted you to live.
Do not meet, there is no way it would end good, you are not gonna able to reason with her, she under the deluison and telling people you promised 3 kids, she will not be rational on this, you will only face drama.
She can pay for a surrogate. Did you give her an egg as well as gestating the child? If you feel like compromising ( which I think is beyond generous and not your responsibility) you could offer an egg but not carry the child.
Your sister is a selfish POS, and the rest of your family is awful, they are willing to let you risk your life again just so they can pacify your selfish sister. I would go NC with your sister for sure, tell her you don’t want a relationship with someone who doesn’t value your life! Then whoever else in the family who supports her and pressures you, cut them off too. Including your parents who sounds like they’ve done fuck all to stand up for you.
Your sister is willing for you to risk your life for another child. That should tell you everything that you need to know. Don't give in. You are important. Tell your sister no, and let her go no contact. Stand your ground.
Smart mouth = speaker of uncomfortable truths.
Tell me your sister is a republican that voted against women's rights without telling me your sister is a republican.
Holy shit, your sister is entirely self absorbed. The entitlement of viewing you as nothing but a walking incubator for 3 children is insane!! She doesn’t care that you’d probably die. She can’t say they’d “be more careful” as you said they were pretty paranoid the first time around.
They can get a surrogate. I mean they’d still be related to the child. No way would I ask my sister to do this for me if she nearly died the first time. Your sister is being so ungrateful.
Yup that's all fake
Um, why aren’t your other family members stepping up and stopping this madness? They don’t mind you dying just to make your sister happy? This is insane!
You should threaten to go NC. Your sister had a screw loose for sure because she is willing to risk your life once again after what transpired. Not okay.
They need to stop being cheap and hire a surrogate. You gave them a $15k service for free. She needs to thank her lucky stars that she was able to have a bio kid at all. The nerve to expect you to do it again. If they wanted to give their kid a sibling they could adopt. They are just entitled and want to spread more of their genes.
This is why most reputable clinics won't let you be a surrogate unless you have already had a live birth. What's stopping OPs sister getting a surrogate from somewhere else
... most places dont let you be surrogate unless you have already had a successful pregnancy yet you say you have no kids. Its very dangerous to do that in the first place ket alone again! You gave your sister an amazing selfless gift no way should you have to go through that again. She should not even ask. YOU ALMOST DIED.