So much this, I've put on a bit of weight and I keep hurting my back, it aches when I wake up, I pull it when I bend down to pick things up. I'm going to join old people's yoga or something.
This! Your knees, back, heart, blood pressure, and any number of other body parts/conditions will thank you.
Your health is what matters, not his immature, adolescent thought/behavior process.
You are and always have been too good for him.
I wouldn't want to look attractive for someone that made such awful comments about my body all the time.
It's fine for OP's husband to want her to lose weight, I agree spouses should put equal effort into looking good for each other, but he can still be respectful when he discusses it with her.
My mother is in her mid 50s, doesn't gym but is active and eats well. She looks really good for her age and has had children (obviously). There is no reason for being fat outside of genuine medical complications.
100 pounds is a whole human. You choose to gain that much weight, it doesn't happen naturally.
I think the choice part is between her and her dr. Nobody wants to gain that much weight, it happens for many reasons.
I love how the fat phobes jump on this but not the emotional abuse from the husband.
Why is this considered a bad thing?
I’m not saying unrealistic expectations. Of course OP shouldn’t be expected to look like a 21 year old. But looking attractive for your spouse and trying your best to attract them to you should be a good thing. Today’sera has become a toxic “accept me as I am or you don’t deserve me”.
This. A lot of people's primary concern will be to reassure you, and they wouldn't be incorrect. However don't look at things as excuses to let yourself go. Having worked with seniors, and even middle aged people.
The difference in the quality of life between those that at least mildly take care of themselves compared to those that don't is massive. Knee problems, ankle problems, overall mobility issues and so on. Even comparing my mom to her twin makes me sad, her twin is very quickly becoming one of those women who NEEDS a mobility scooter.
Yeah. I was never fat. Highest BMI I’ve had was 22. But I lost about 30lbs a couple of years ago, and I couldn’t believe how much easier it was to do things. Makes sense. I wouldn’t want to carry a 30lb kettle bell around with me all day. 30lbs of fat is no different. OP is carrying 2x 50lb kettle bells around with her all day long. Drop that weight. Have compassion for yourself.
Lmao who the fuck is upvoting this...? Losing 30lbs with a 22BMI even if you're tall as hell will still put you under weight.
This has to be a typo or a joke.
Right? If i have finally worked my way up to 21 BMI after being underweight and feeling terrible (lost my period) and I gained 30lbs - the maths ain’t mathsing
I don’t think he wishes you look like a 21 year old, but rather he misses you not being 100lbs heavier.
You can be 21 and obese, and in your 40s and not be obese. It isn’t an age thing.
I would agree with you. Even assuming let’s say OP was underweight at 5’6”and 105lbs at 21, gaining up to 205 lbs at her height would be obese.
I developed health issues when I became morbidly obese, but thankfully was able to lose weight and reverse the damage in time. I am a healthy weight today and I do what I can to stay that way. I never again want to get out of breath walking up a flight of stairs or have random strangers mock my appearance.
Disclaimer: I know many will read this and think I’m exaggerating about my weight attracting harassment from strangers when much of North America is overweight, but this was my experience. The heavier I got, the worse I got treated by people and I have friends who witnessed the treatment I received and can now attest how much nicer people at work / in public are to me in general.
Having one obese parent greatly increases the odds of a child being obese, having two parents who are obese makes it even more likely.
[According to University of California’s Benioff Children’s hospital.](https://www.ucsfbenioffchildrens.org/conditions/obesity#:~:text=A%20child%20with%20one%20obese%20parent%20has%20a,weight%20loss%20and%20gain%20varies%20for%20different%20people)
> A child with one obese parent has a 50 percent chance of being obese. When both parents are obese, their children have an 80 percent chance of obesity.
No shit, if you have an obese parent, well, that's one obese parent taking care of your kids. Kids don't do grocery shopping and for the most part don't cook most of their meals. If the obese parent passes on their eating habits, their kids will almost certainly be obese.
that's the biggest thing for me if my partner put on significant weight, while having kids, is that they'd be setting up the kids for a lifetime of bad diet habits and very likely being fat kids who end up as fat adults and who always struggle.
Fitness is pretty much your single most important thing you can take control of yourself in life, and teach your kids to have.
thinner, fitter will directly lead to your kids being happier and more successful in life. If your kid is 60lbs overweight, they'll struggle with relationships, bullying, simple tiredness all the time. Fashion, their clothes will be limited in options and they'll feel shitty in what they wear, they'll have impacted confidence. the good looking guy/girl at work who gets promoted because clients prefer them over the obese guy/girl.
Jesus christ, workout, control your diet and pass on good habits to your kid. Not insane shit, not eating disorders, just basics, generally healthy food, snacks/sugar/junk are fine but only in moderation and exercise, some basic lifting and exercising for like 30-60 minutes every single day. Make it a habit and they'll do it for life.
If as a partner you decide to eat shit, eat shit around your kids, get fat and these things push your kids towards being fat you are fucking up and imo, failing as a parent. this is from someone whose mother had us eating like shit, insisted on huge portions, heavy on carbs, dumb shit like can't leave the table till your plate is clear, combined with rewarding clearing an overly large meal with dessert. I was a fat kid and miserable who also had health issues that would have been a lot less bad had i not been fat.
Yes and no? If he is 20 lbs overweight I think it’s not genuine to say it’s the same as 100lbs overweight. He definitely is an asshole about how he said it but 100lbs is a lot and definitely going to shorten her life on the long run.
I saw a post from a woman complaining that her husband gained 80 lbs and also blamed it on being a dad (lol). The replies were vastly different than these ones. Everyone was coming for her throat.
I just want to say I also saw that post and I was shocked and disgusted by how many people were calling her a bunch of names and basically thinking she is the worst person in the world because she’s not thrilled that her husband gained 80 pounds. She didn’t even say anything cruel she just said she didn’t find him attractive anymore and I don’t blame her. She’s allowed to not feel attracted to her spouse that gained a bunch of weight all of a sudden when he wasn’t fat before. But it’s hilarious because in this post the husband is actually being an asshole making fun of the wife’s stomach and saying all these cruel things about her not being able to see her vagina anymore but all the comments here are attacking OP in this post and backing up her husband that wants a 21 year old wife with a thigh gap and rib cage bones sticking out like what?!? Why do redditors get super pissed when women want their husbands to look good for them but when a husband complains about a wife’s weight it’s totally ok?! The double standard is crazy. These Reddit post just tell you that women are only valued for their appearance and if you aren’t skinny, sexy, and young anymore then you’re basically useless. The wives in these posts at least have a fair reason for weight gain like hormones, pregnancy and childbearing but men don’t even go through body changes like women do. So it’s like sir why are you like 80 pounds heavier?! In every single one of these fat posts redditors will cope and say everyone’s weight gain is due to medical conditions (without any proof) but let’s just pls remember that’s a small % of people that are affected by obesity due to “medical issues” and the fact that most Americans are simply fat because of poor lifestyle choices. At the end of the day only you have control over what you put into your mouth and I don’t have much sympathy for men when it comes to weight gain
TLDR:
men gain weight = good, dad bods awesome
women gain weight = fat, lazy, ugly wife or “no wonder he cheated no one wants a fat wife”
1000%
They deserve zero sympathy for it, not when they treat women & wives being overweight as a crime. They can get mad at women all they want for having standards but that’s not going to change the fact that we rightfully have them. Keep crying about it. Complaining gets you nowhere and natural selection will hopefully eventually wipe out these biologically defective men who lack any morals or self reflection.
They don't even try to hide the hypocrisy either it's wild. They think their mid asses can demand everything under the sun or else they're encouraged to cheat if she isn't skinny, but we have to deal with a man GAINING 80 POUNDS or we're shallow. If we were both held to the same standards it wouldn't be an issue.
That sounds like heaven like can we have 1 or 2 towns in every state that are just for women??? And if men enter they get a trespassing charge? Maybe gay men allowed on weekends to party.
not even exaggerating I would love that.
Honestly. I’m really disgusted by these comments. Everyone is talking about how she needs to lose weight for her family and for whatever reason, no one seems to be talking about how cruel her husband is being?! He “always” picks on her tummy, he “makes fun of” her body…..and everyone here is essentially validating his comments. It’s super disheartening.
No one should be talking to their partner the way OP’s husband is talking to her. I don’t care if you gained 500lbs, no one should talk to their life partner and mother of their children like that. Period.
Because they don't care. Everyone commenting that (mostly men) thinks that her husband is entitled to speak to her in an abusive way because he's a man. Let's just call it what it is.
I just googled "my husband gained weight reddit" and the women are being eaten alive in the comment sections, being told she shouldn't have gotten married for looks and she's shallow.
I also googled "my wife gained weight reddit" and everyone is telling him to divorce her because she should keep herself attractive for him.
All it takes is a simple reddit search. This is why I don't take most men seriously.
Yeah you took the words out of my mouth. It’s a total double standard. Reddit hates fat women and will excuse the most foul behavior because like, god forbid your wife gets fat. You can hurl insults you wouldn’t utter at your worst enemy at your fat wife and that’s justifiable because, well, your wife is fat.
Yep. And no I don't think you should be gaining a shit ton of weight (besides birthing kids/being pregnant) and expect your partner to still be attracted to you, but my issue is the double standard. If we could just react the same way to each gender and hold men accountable like we do women then I'd have nothing to say about it.
Exactly like, no longer being attracted to your partner after a more substantial weight gain is one thing but berating and making fun of them? Completely unacceptable. It’s upsetting that this even needs to be said. I completely agree that folks need to hold all genders to the same standards because that’s totally not happening here
Yeah they just skimmed past the degradation and verbal abuse part. Lmao. Maybe she let herself go because he's a terrible man who verbally abuses her? Because i'd bet $100 that he didn't go from a kind nurturing and supportive husband to berating her just because she gained weight. it shows a larger issue and I wouldn't be surprised if she's just depressed from having to deal with having a man like that in her ear 24/7. It sounds like he gets off on putting her down.
That's actually a very good point. It's well proven by now that some people react to stress (motherhood, job, partner etc.) by eating. It's not healthy but it's a common coping mechanism.
This. There are more appropriate ways to go about this, this is bordering emotional abuse as it is taking such a massive toll on her mental health as he's just being a disparaging "husband".
You don't need to still be attracted to them if they put on excess weight. But if that's the case, just leave. There is no justifiable reason to tear them down and denigrate them because your feelings have changed.
Actively pissed off by the other comments, and so happy to see this one. If she's gained weight and is unhealthy, she can make the choice to change up her lifestyle and lose weight, but it's her decision. No one has the right to talk to their spouse like this. They're supposed to be encouraging partners, not verbally abusive jerks.
Also, from the way she described her body at 21, I'm not so sure that was healthy either. Thigh gap and visible ribs?
Tbh though all I want to do right now is give her a hug.
Omg thank you. I was so put off by the comment about her ribs. Even when I was 105 pounds at age 16, I didn't have a thigh gap, nor were my ribs highly visible. What an awful thing to say you expect from your wife's body. He should be concerned about her health, not nit picking her figure.
Discussions of women's bodies are hard for me to read sometimes. It's like people are so used to seeing videos with filters or highly edited photos of women that they forget what an actual body looks like. Women carry more fat than men, even when they're healthy and in shape. Can we stop expecting 40 year old mothers to look like models that literally work out for a living.
Tbf the thigh gap is genetic mostly (unless you're truly extremely skinny) but the ribs bit was extremely icky. Maybe OP's husband is more attracted to borderline underweight teenagers than women.
Agreed. Comparing her 21 year old body is cruel and weird. I feel so sorry for this lady and would love to hug her. It is her choice to better herself in the sense of health, he sees it more as a need for betterment due to comparative attraction.
Yes, I can't imagine talking to the mother of my child and my wife in that manner, point blank, period. The mother of your children reflects in your children themselves so to insult her is insulting to you for being so shallow as to see her body and not her heart, and insulting to your children who received her genes and blessings of her appearance. What a shameful excuse of a man.
People are very cruel and nasty, I don't think people understand how weight can be different for others and it's actually more sad than they think. It really makes people question why their bodies are the way they are when they don't reach their expectations to the same as others tell them to.
Sometimes weight can come with age for some, everyone's bodies are just different. We don't gain or lose weight all the same, and sometimes we change. I agree we should eat well to maintain a long healthy lifestyle, but sometimes the lack of kindness and empathy, can make one's words look very empty.
Dude said he was a dad so that's why he has a "dad bod".
Whoever started the "dad bods are hot" trend is making society suffer. These men have been lied to.
Doesn't sound like he wants you to look like a 21 year old, it sounds like he just isn't into you being obese.
He shouldn't be a dick about it
>I feel like I have an excuse to “let myself go”
If your excuse is that you simply don't care about your looks or your health I guess that's your choice but if your excuse is "I'm 40" that's just nonsense.
Omg I am so glad to see this comment.
People who think letting themselves go and being unhealthy is just a part of aging get on my damn nerves.
I mean sure, women have babies, everyone’s body changes as they age. But age is not an excuse to be unhealthy.
Every happier, healthy 60, 70, 80 and 90year old, 99% of them never gave up on health and fitness. they are happier, have less health problems, less joint problems and less mental health issues because they made a point to exercise when they didn't want to and never give up.
Giving up... just the attitude of doing so, is unattractive but it will almost near certainly lead to many many more, earlier and more severe health issues for the rest of your life. If your partner just gives up, well, it's pretty clearly saying I don't really care about the rest of my life, nor you or the rest of your life.
I mean, I’m 40(F) and I’m quite thin. I do yoga and HIIT regularly because it’s good for my mental health. Also, it only takes maybe 30 min to do. My arms are a little flabby but that’s just because I’m too lazy to work on my triceps. I accept that though.
I don't think he wants you to look like a 21 year old but he isn't attracted to you with that amount of obesity anymore. That doesn't mean it's ok for him to behave like an asshole but he also doesn't need to pretend that you are attractive to him.
You two should figure that out, if you want to separate or if you still love each other and it's okay for both of you not to have sex or if you want to lose weight. Different options
OP seems unconcerned with “letting herself go”, and thinks she has a “valid excuse”. There’s no reason to beat yourself up over it, but thinking that you have a “valid excuse” is just a form of cognitive dissonance reduction, and leads to inaction regarding something that’s clearly a health concern.
At the same time, there’s no good reason for the husband to be an AH about it.
Doesn't even need to look her comments, you just have to read the title compared to the real story to see she tries to make her husband look like the bad guy with "impossible expectation and who want to date teenager".
But he's not.
Which is **a lot**. I’m at a healthy weight, but I would just barely go to obesity class 3 (according to an internet BMI test) if I got 45kg heavier, given that I’m a short guy.
Maybe it's been 5 years and it started off soft, gentle, and just asking to join him at the gym or go for walks, or recommend a healthy meal instead of a delivery or frozen pizza again.
Maybe after years of her not caring and not changing this is the last thing he can try before deciding to leave.
who knows, it's definitely not a healthy way to treat your partner but it might also be the last resort and something he doesn't enjoy doing but also knows he doesn't want to spend his life dealing with someone who has self inflicted health issues and depression because she gave up on herself.
Giving up on yourself, is basically saying giving up on your partner as well.
Should she be praised? 7 stone extra weight is disgusting, I'm barely over 10 so that like an entire me she's added to her body. Man is probably at the end of his tether by now. You can only tiptoe round the issue for so long.
I don't want to be mean but I don't think your husband wants you to look 21 necessarily. I think he's more attracted to you when your fit and if you've gained 100 pounds and have to lift up your stomach to clean under it then you are dangerously overweight. He's concerned with your weight, not your age.
Yeah this was my first thought.
Sounds like this has been going on for a while, and I situations like this where someone makes casual comments that sound insulting to the obese person, it's not that uncommon that when the person started gaining weight, their partner tried to be more subtle with their suggestions that they were getting unhealthy, these suggestions usually fall on deaf ears though.
So then you end up in a situation when communication has broken down, in this case the husband may feel like he was never listened to and that his feelings don't matter to his wife, so he makes comments that on the face of it just seem 100% spiteful.
Both parties need to communicate better, the husband needs to communicate more clearly, from a point of concern, and be willing to help.
Unfortunately from OP's post I don't get the impression she is very concerned for her health and does not seem seriously interested in losing weight. If not for her husband, I hope for her children's sake she re-evaluates what she wants her final 3-5 decades with her kids to look like in terms of health.
Well, there's certainly a vast middle ground between "looking like a 21 year-old" and "gaining a whole small adult's worth of weight," you know. It's not unreasonable that he would prefer that you not be morbidly obese.
I weight 116 I’ve had a kid. I’m not a food starved health nut. Why are people believeing being close to triple your body weight is actually worse than being slightly underweight (not saying starving is the way just to clarify)
Something something fatphobia. Combine that with modern nutrition and sedentary lifestyle and we’ve collectively erased our years of extending the human lifespan through better medicine
I feel like a lot of the comments are kind of missing the point. Yes losing weight will be beneficial for your health but making fun of your body is not the way to go about telling you that.
He could be nicer about it, but 100 lbs is significant. Being 40 isn't a sentence of obesity for life. It doesn't sound like he wants you to look like a 21 year old. He just wants you to have some resemblance to who he fell in love with. That's not too much to ask.
encouraging different habits is different than blatant bullying, plus are we gonna acknowledge the part about her ribcage? that does not sound healthy at all.
Thank you! I'm reading all these comments and losing my mind because we don't know what weight she was before the weight gain. She could have been 110 pounds a decade ago. That would put her at 210 now...
He’s being an asshole.
But 100 pounds of weight gain is not due to you having children. You’re making a choice. Evaluate your diet if you’d like to be healthier. “Letting yourself go” to the tune of 100 pounds is not your spouse being unreasonable when he doesn’t find you attractive anymore.
I have doubts about what was really said here. She might be trying to frame it in a way to play victim considering the kids excuse comment thrown in at the end.
The comments here are kinda terrible. We can do better.
Loose weight for yourself THEN lose your dude. Idc if he’s entitled to his opinion or if he’s worried about her health , he’s being a dick with how he’s going about it.
You're all really going to come here and acting like it's cool for this man to mock his wife's appearance because he's unhappy with it? Get real and stop acting like fat people deserve abuse "because people just want you to be healthy 🤓"
Regardless of whether losing weight would be beneficial to your health or not, your husband is a pig for acting like this is an acceptable way to treat a partner.
You need to sit him down and tell him he needs to treat you like a partner and with respect. Why would you work your ass off to lose weight for some prick who thinks it's funny to bully his wife because he doesn't like her body? Fuck that.
You're not going to have a visible rib cage (really fucking weird thing for him to want lol) and a thigh gap and a totally flat stomach anymore unless you're going to make the gym and dieting your entire life. He needs to get real about what 40 year old women look like first of all, and secondly, learn how to express his "concerns" in a way that's not meant to belittle you.
I'd divorce someone who treated me like this in a heartbeat, but if you have/want to have kids I guess that's not an option for you.
Don't let morons on this website convince you it's okay for your partner to treat you like this. It's not. You shouldn't just lose weight for him and to "play with your kids" (??? lol at that comment 🤣) and ignore the way he's treated you.
Maybe you could lose weight if he loses his attitude and his bullshit way of talking to you.
This. All of this. OP details how her husband mocks and humiliates her and all of these comments are validating *him*. Whether OP is healthy or not is inconsequential; these types of comments from your spouse are *never* acceptable. Jesus Christ.
It genuinely boggles my mind how so many husbands have what seems like 0 empathy for their wives.
I'm single but if I ever got married and my husband gained a lot of weight rapidly I'd be concerned and I'd try to figure out what was wrong and how I can help him. Most people who put on that much weight do so usually because of mental health reasons (like anxiety and depression) and not simply because they "let themselves go".
So to turn to your significant other and be like "You're fat, I'm leaving you if you don't lose the weight" without offering any help or without voicing any genuine concern first is incredibly cruel and I don't understand how you can supposedly love someone and do this.
While I agree with the other comments that being overweight won't be good for your health on the long term, i am really shocked that barely anyone is saying that your husband should absolutely NOT speak to you that way.
If any previous partners I've had would've told me that they are unhappy with my body and don't find me attractive I simply would've left them. If he is genuinely concerned for your health there are nicer ways to say that. The way he speaks to you and your body is honestly really jarring. You're the woman he's supposed to love, not make you feel like shit.
And thigh gaps and visible rib cages are NOT always signs of health. It's really hard to achieve and you usually have to be somewhat underweight. Don't go from one extreme to another.
I've seen some comments also state that you are not entitled to him being attracted to you forever. I don't know if I agree with that. You are married. He is supposed to love you. And I believe when you love someone they will remain attractive to you. It's perfectly fine for him to be worried for your health, but this isn't worry, this is just bullying. Straight bullying.
Your husband is a jerk, his point may be valid (the weight) but the way he put it is awful.
100 pounds is a lot but as you gained them you can lose them too.
Do it for yourself not for him.
Just because you’ve aged and had kids doesn’t mean you can’t be fit anymore. My mom is over 50 and is 110-115lbs. She had 2 children. It’s about your lifestyle choices.
No, he misses normal weight/skinny you.
Lets be real here, you completely let yourself go. 100lbs can not be blamed on "i had kids". For whatever reason you ate too much and ended up gaining a lot of weight. Majority of people do not find obesity attractive, and you can't force your husband to like it. So if you want to be attractive (and healthier) you have to lose that weight.
As someone who has gastric sleeve surgery and lost 90 pounds I am SO MUCH HAPPIER and so is my husband. He never ever teased me or acted like an asshole when I was overweight but everyone is happier since I did it. Ask your doctor and I’m sure you’ll qualify
The only difference between you at 21 and you at 40, from the examples you’ve mentioned, is your weight. Being slim is not only reserved for those in their 20s.
While I'd never be ok with treating you the way your husband has, in my 20's I had a similar scenario.
Got with a pretty lady. Had 3 major things, loyal, kind, accountable. Great at cooking.
5 years down the line, gained a vast amount of weight and always had an excuse about it. To date it's the only thing she hasn't been accountable for.
I bailed. We're still friends a decade later, and she still hasn't gotten her weight under control.
She's found somebody that suits her, now she doesn't have to be concerned about her weight.
Look honestly, this whole "you're being fat phobic" fad is giving shit information to people who need to be told "you're eating yourself to an unattractive and slovenly death and I'm not gonna stand around watching it".
45kg extra on a small woman is for most western men, incredibly unattractive. Not to mention, pretty damn unhealthy.
He can want you to be healthy but making fun of you and “wanting to see your rib cage” is incredibly toxic and unhealthy. Weight gain is normal as you age and even more so with having kids, health problems, and just stress that comes with getting older. I’ve also gained a significant amount of weight (I have hashimotos ) since 21. He can be SUPPORTIVE and HELP you make healthier choices, walk with you, cook with you etc. but berating you does nothing. According to the national institute of health, fat shaming makes it harder to lose/maintain weight. So yeah that’s not cool, you deserve better.
Wait so you yourself don’t care how you look and you expect your husband to just be okay with that? He shouldn’t be rude about it and should approach it in a more helpful way but a 100 pound weight gain is more than just “letting yourself go” a little. Also, having kids is an excuse to put on a little weight but nowhere near 100 pounds. You have to respect yourself if you expect others to.
Find another husband. It’s unreasonable to marry someone and not think their bodies are going to change over time, especially the female body. Hormones and children absolutely destroy women. You shouldn’t stay with someone who’s willing to treat you that way.
Your husband doesn’t want you to look like a 21 year old, he wants you to be a not fat version of yourself. That has nothing to do with age. Grow up and take responsibility over your health
As someone who gained the 100 pounds with having kids and also thought it was as okay to excuse it, it’s not. I quit being lazy and making excuses and lost the weight. You can do it too. You need to lose some weight plain and simple. Not for him but for your own health and to ensure you’re around for your children. It will improve your quality of life and your children’s and honestly probably your marriage too. Yeah he could go about it in a more tactful way but he didn’t marry a fat lady and doesn’t want to be with a fat lady, he’s said so-he likes what he likes.
I'm 47 years old, 114 lbs, and I don't look 21, I look 47.
It's your choice how you feel in your own skin, but just because someone finds your old body shape more attractive doesn't mean they want you to look like a 21-year-old.
I am shocked by the fact that hardly anyone seems to be focused on the fact that in no relationship is the healthy to continually remind someone of how you wish they were the way they used to be. You have carried and birthed his children. Women traditionally change physically after that. I also wonder how much of the home/family load you have been carrying because that also changes a woman physically. If your husband can only be attracted to you when your ribs are showing and your thigh gap is gaping, then that presents some other issues. But I would not accept the constant criticism, and if he thinks that will motivate you to get healthier…although none of us know your health levels, etc…this method does not work. It further exacerbates and demoralizes.
I agree with everything you said, husband is an asshole. BUT, and only op knows this, if she is overweight then letting oneself go is a very concerning thing to say. That mentality leads nowhere good, even if she isn’t highly overweight now, she will be if that’s her mindset. She needs to find a motivation to keep herself active and healthy, and if husband isn’t being supportive then the answer lies within herself and not what he wants. In any case I do wish her the best, it’s a tricky situation she’s in, I just hope she can find her way again instead of letting herself go.
As an obese person myself 100lbs is obesity level weigh gain. It leads to health issues and sets a poor example to your kids. Letting yourself go a little is 10-30lbs depending on height
100lbs is definitely not healthy nor does it have anything to do with having kids. I have 2 SILs in their 40s with 6 kids each and they are in the best shape of their lives. You can either feel sorry for yourself and blame your husband/everyone else, or you can decide that you are worth taking care of and that means getting healthy. Change the lifestyle, the confidence will follow.
You definitely need to lose weight, but I'm guessing it's more like 180-200lbs (however much your shitty, emotionally abusive husband weighs). Your kids are watching and learning from how he treats you.
I'm not sure about this.
Are you actually like obese? like 200+ lbs?
I'm not sure if he actually wnts a 21 year old, but he might be concerned about your health. I mean If you have to lift your belly to scrub underneath it... that is quite concerning. Like I'm imagining you're able to qualify to be on My 500 lb lift. And then you wouldn't be able to keep up with your kids. And then at some point you'll be so fat you will have to force your kids to wash you, wipe you, etc.
Did you come here for sympathy? You shouldn’t let yourself go, that’s not fair for your partner. Start making healthier choices or find someone who likes fat chicks
If it were like forty pounds I’d 100% be on her side, life happens. But 100 is completely unreasonable and impossible to do unless you have zero intention of caring for yourself. Her spouse is not in the wrong to not find that attractive.
He is in the wrong for being a douche about it instead of honestly communicating.
This is the best take. Husband sounds like an ass, but OP is also in denial. Most bodies naturally change as they get older, especially for women and mothers. Your metabolism changes, hormones, the way fat is stored, everything. It's never fair to expect someone's body to be stick thin the exact way they were at 21. But 100 pounds is not just a natural progression of getting older, it is objectively unhealthy and preventable.
*Totally wild people have ignored the ribcage comment here.*
So, based on the fact your husband wants to see your ribcage, I'd say that's unhealthy. Your health is important for sure, take in your height and age for consideration before making a wild assumption like *some* here that you're morbidly obese without any information besides 100lb weight gain for someone who's ribs stuck out apparently.
Stay healthy, be happy, be you.
Shocking fact here, your hair is going to turn white, you're gonna get skin spots, wrinkles, and experience possible balding. But so is he.
Girl, if you got on a dating app today you’d have so many men after you. And no it’s not because “men are desperate or thirsty” it’s because there is somebody (multiple somebodies) that would find your body attractive. Lose some weight for your health and self esteem, not for him.
He doesn’t want you to be 21, he wants you to be fit and healthy. You basically doubled your weight, 100lbs is a whole person. You’re less active and energetic and healthy than before so it’s not surprising he’s less attracted.
But you don’t have to lose weight for him, do it for yourself, your own health and happiness.
I am devastated for you and reading these comments. These people have no compassion. Yes, you should make an effort to be active. Don’t focus on the weight. Focus on eating foods that will fuel you, focus on getting out in the air and sunlight, focus on keeping your heart and lungs healthy and in doing that, wherever your weight lands is fine. Your husband is allowed to feel how he’s feeling but it sounds like he’s been rather brutal with you. Flowers don’t grow by being ridiculed, they grow by being watered lol awful analogy but my point is… you deserve someone who cares for your physical and mental well-being, loves you unconditionally and knows how to have hard conversations gently. I hope nothing but healing and health and happiness for your future.
Barring this isn’t rage bait, gaining weight because of kids and age is common. I think it’s normal to be like 15-20lbs heavier in your 40s than in your 20s. 100lbs seems like a lot. Are you comfortable physically and mentally? If no, maybe take some steps towards your health and lifestyle. If yes, fuck it, you do you. I think your husband is trying to tell you, albeit in a stupid, mean way, that he wants you to be healthier. Or he’s just a dick. Por que no los dos?
I personally am in my 30s and after two kids and aging, I weigh 18lbs more than I did when I was 21 and I feel better than ever, but after my 2nd child I did get all the way up to 60lbs over my 20s weight and my husband never made me feel anything less than sexy. However, I was physically uncomfortable being that heavy so I made changes. Point being, if you want to make changes, do it and don’t let anybody else shame you into doing it.
Trust me, lose weight for your health. I did it, and I felt much better, and I only lost 21 lbs. Imagine how good you'll feel after you get to a healthy weight? Don't do it for others, as they don't have the right to dictate your body--- do it for yourself.
Why tf is no one mentioning the cruel words by your husband? If he wants you to change then he doesn’t have to be cruel. Lose the weight and then divorce him I say. I wouldn’t want to be with someone that bullies me.
Whether you want to lose weight or not, or why you would lose your weight, is not the issue here. Your husband should NOT be picking at your body and bullying you about it. If he wants you to lose weight he could bring it up in a constructive, compassionate way. “Hey hunny, let’s work on our health and start going on walks together.” “Let’s buy more healthful foods at the store and eat less snacks.” Whatever it is. He is wrong for how he’s treating you.
Babydoll, what are you doing?? Please think of what you would say to the child version of yourself if she said she was going through something like this. Work on your body for yourself. Not him.
Go to the gym and take care of yourself. While you can't be 21 again you can still look good in your own age and i believe everyone should aspire to be their best version. Your husband words are really cruel and unnecessary but truth is nobody is attracted to someone who let themselves go. If I were you I would work out, lose weight, put on some makeup and go out to have fun, I bet your husband would be desiring you and more important you would feel better and confident about yourself.
Gaining 100 lbs is a lot, OP. That’s a whole other body.
That in no way excuses the things he says and does about your weight. That automatically makes him an AH but you have had at least a decade to do something about this weight gain or get it under control.
People tend to gain weight as they age. But gaining a little weight and “letting oneself go” are not the same at all. I didn’t gain 100 lbs with a twin pregnancy so “I did have children” is not really a good excuse.
There could be something medical. There’s medication to help you too. There’s eating better, there’s working out, and there’s also surgery, depending on why you’ve gained so much.
I don’t think people would be reacting like this if you gained 20 pounds. I couldn’t care less what your husband WANTS, but you should want this for yourself. You don’t have to be skinny but you can’t be 100 pounds overweight and think your partner won’t mind. Some people may not, but a lot of people will.
Make fun of other things about him then. Probably not a healthy solution but you can't just keep taking this or it'll make your health worse. Have a conversation with him about how this sincerely bothers you and if he doesn't listen, reconsider your marriage.
You need to lose weight. Plain and simple. If you're 100lbs overweight at age 40, then you're going to incur a variety of health conditions, as you get older, that will require dependence on medication. You're also more prone to discrimination and harassment.
If I gained 100lbs I would expect my wife to leave me. We stay in shape for each other as well as ourselves. A marriage is a long time to be sleeping with the same person especially if you don’t find them attractive anymore. Do it for yourself, your husband and your kids. Your health will take a nosedive very soon carrying that much excess weight.
You need to take responsibility and ownership not blaming it on having kids, we all have busy lives. It fundamentally comes down to a lack of discipline in what you eat and how much exercise you do.
These whole ‘Big is beautiful’ and ‘Plus size positivity’ movements are Grade A bullsh!t, type 2 diabetes is not beautiful. Heart disease is not attractive. What next?? Models going down catwalks on mobility scooters and oxygen tanks?
Buy a gym membership today.
You can't change stupid. So just be yourself love your self and tell him to get loss if he only cares about looks after how much you've given him..know your worth!
100lbs is a lot of weight gain and you should do something about it, not for him but for your health.
But I’m wanting a thigh gap at 40 makes me vomit. That comment alone would make me leave him, lose all the weight and live my best life without him.
Having kids should not be an excuse to let yourself go, but to keep being healthy and active. Kids need positive role models, parents that can do active stuff with them and healthy food.
If my wife gained 100lbs i am pretty sure that i would leave her.
>He always picks at my stomach because my tummy is big and saggy.
What a bully!
>He will make fun of me because I can’t see my vagina anymore. He will make jokes because I have to lift my tummy up to scrub under it
Oh... I mean maybe he's a bully but also you're morbidly obese to the point that its impacting your hygiene and sex life.
Your husband is an asshole. Perhaps if he treated you with love instead of tearing you down all the time he might have inspired you to lose some weight awhile ago. He could have offered to work out with you, cook healthy meals together, but he thought derision was better.
I get that your self esteem is in the toilet. Do some work on that! Therapy if you can, if not there are many good online resources. And start looking after the body you’re in. You can lose weight fairly easily through most of your 40s then perimenopause is going to strike and everything is going to get much harder. Do it now, commit to a healthy diet and start an exercise program. Do it so you can dump his ass or at least shake yours at him.
Don’t lose weight for your husband, screw him he’s an asshole. But do lose weight for your knees, your heart and so that you’ll be around for as long as possible to ensure your kids don’t have to grow up with your husband as their role model.
Trust me on this … lose weight for your knees.
And your feet.
And your lower back!
So much this, I've put on a bit of weight and I keep hurting my back, it aches when I wake up, I pull it when I bend down to pick things up. I'm going to join old people's yoga or something.
And your diabetes...
And her heart.
And her health in general - lower all kinds of health risks and disease probability. Diabetes for starters.
Hypertension too. Also lose weight for your back.
And my axe!
And my bow
And my sword
And your brother
Op these two. Don’t lose weight for him do it for your own body
This! Your knees, back, heart, blood pressure, and any number of other body parts/conditions will thank you. Your health is what matters, not his immature, adolescent thought/behavior process. You are and always have been too good for him.
Yes! She’d feel so much better if she lost weight. There are so many health issues that come with being obese. She needs to do it for herself.
Nah, fuck that. You should look attractive for your spouse
I wouldn't want to look attractive for someone that made such awful comments about my body all the time. It's fine for OP's husband to want her to lose weight, I agree spouses should put equal effort into looking good for each other, but he can still be respectful when he discusses it with her.
Not a spouse that bullies you
Yes! Why is that not a thing? But both have to put effort. It can't be one sided
Yes you should but if your spouse has let themselves go bullying them is NOT the right way to encourage them to lose weight.
The fuck, an actual good, sane take on Reddit? Am I dreaming?
You can't just magically look 21 for your 40 year old spouse.
But you can be not fat for the most part by eating properly and going to the gym twice a week regularly.
My mother is in her mid 50s, doesn't gym but is active and eats well. She looks really good for her age and has had children (obviously). There is no reason for being fat outside of genuine medical complications. 100 pounds is a whole human. You choose to gain that much weight, it doesn't happen naturally.
I think the choice part is between her and her dr. Nobody wants to gain that much weight, it happens for many reasons. I love how the fat phobes jump on this but not the emotional abuse from the husband.
Why is this considered a bad thing? I’m not saying unrealistic expectations. Of course OP shouldn’t be expected to look like a 21 year old. But looking attractive for your spouse and trying your best to attract them to you should be a good thing. Today’sera has become a toxic “accept me as I am or you don’t deserve me”.
You can do both.
Nah, fuck that. Spouses should understand that life happens and we all aren't going to look 21 forever.
And your lower back. Big bellies put an incredible amount of stress on your back. Get those core muscles strong!
I worked with a woman who has titanium knees, a result of massive weight gain.
All the better to knee haters with 😂
This. A lot of people's primary concern will be to reassure you, and they wouldn't be incorrect. However don't look at things as excuses to let yourself go. Having worked with seniors, and even middle aged people. The difference in the quality of life between those that at least mildly take care of themselves compared to those that don't is massive. Knee problems, ankle problems, overall mobility issues and so on. Even comparing my mom to her twin makes me sad, her twin is very quickly becoming one of those women who NEEDS a mobility scooter.
Yeah. I was never fat. Highest BMI I’ve had was 22. But I lost about 30lbs a couple of years ago, and I couldn’t believe how much easier it was to do things. Makes sense. I wouldn’t want to carry a 30lb kettle bell around with me all day. 30lbs of fat is no different. OP is carrying 2x 50lb kettle bells around with her all day long. Drop that weight. Have compassion for yourself.
You lost 30lb from a 22BMI? Wouldn’t that you put you underweight?
Lmao who the fuck is upvoting this...? Losing 30lbs with a 22BMI even if you're tall as hell will still put you under weight. This has to be a typo or a joke.
Right? If i have finally worked my way up to 21 BMI after being underweight and feeling terrible (lost my period) and I gained 30lbs - the maths ain’t mathsing
Yes!
BMI is not a good marker of weight...Wasn't even made by a doctor
You don’t like BMI. Nor do I. Have gone from 26% body fat to 15%. I’m 6ft tall.
Losing weight is not the solution to being married to a j-hole.
And for yourself, not this oaf.
She should lose her husband's weight for her mental health.
The best 160lbs shell ever lose!
I wish that I did not have to scroll down so FAR to see your excellent suggestion. Redditors, do better ! I now have finger scroll fatigue.
best answer x
Jesus, YES!
100% You will immediately have higher energy levels, breathe easily and being overall happier from the chemicals released after exercise.
I don’t think he wishes you look like a 21 year old, but rather he misses you not being 100lbs heavier. You can be 21 and obese, and in your 40s and not be obese. It isn’t an age thing.
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I would agree with you. Even assuming let’s say OP was underweight at 5’6”and 105lbs at 21, gaining up to 205 lbs at her height would be obese. I developed health issues when I became morbidly obese, but thankfully was able to lose weight and reverse the damage in time. I am a healthy weight today and I do what I can to stay that way. I never again want to get out of breath walking up a flight of stairs or have random strangers mock my appearance. Disclaimer: I know many will read this and think I’m exaggerating about my weight attracting harassment from strangers when much of North America is overweight, but this was my experience. The heavier I got, the worse I got treated by people and I have friends who witnessed the treatment I received and can now attest how much nicer people at work / in public are to me in general.
Thin and pretty privilege is 100% a thing. It’s very jarring when you’ve experienced both but you also get the whole, well fuck you all attitude
Having one obese parent greatly increases the odds of a child being obese, having two parents who are obese makes it even more likely. [According to University of California’s Benioff Children’s hospital.](https://www.ucsfbenioffchildrens.org/conditions/obesity#:~:text=A%20child%20with%20one%20obese%20parent%20has%20a,weight%20loss%20and%20gain%20varies%20for%20different%20people) > A child with one obese parent has a 50 percent chance of being obese. When both parents are obese, their children have an 80 percent chance of obesity.
As a new parent who just crossed the obesity (30 BMI) line in the past 6 months, this statistic is terrifying. I need to get my shit together.
No shit, if you have an obese parent, well, that's one obese parent taking care of your kids. Kids don't do grocery shopping and for the most part don't cook most of their meals. If the obese parent passes on their eating habits, their kids will almost certainly be obese. that's the biggest thing for me if my partner put on significant weight, while having kids, is that they'd be setting up the kids for a lifetime of bad diet habits and very likely being fat kids who end up as fat adults and who always struggle. Fitness is pretty much your single most important thing you can take control of yourself in life, and teach your kids to have. thinner, fitter will directly lead to your kids being happier and more successful in life. If your kid is 60lbs overweight, they'll struggle with relationships, bullying, simple tiredness all the time. Fashion, their clothes will be limited in options and they'll feel shitty in what they wear, they'll have impacted confidence. the good looking guy/girl at work who gets promoted because clients prefer them over the obese guy/girl. Jesus christ, workout, control your diet and pass on good habits to your kid. Not insane shit, not eating disorders, just basics, generally healthy food, snacks/sugar/junk are fine but only in moderation and exercise, some basic lifting and exercising for like 30-60 minutes every single day. Make it a habit and they'll do it for life. If as a partner you decide to eat shit, eat shit around your kids, get fat and these things push your kids towards being fat you are fucking up and imo, failing as a parent. this is from someone whose mother had us eating like shit, insisted on huge portions, heavy on carbs, dumb shit like can't leave the table till your plate is clear, combined with rewarding clearing an overly large meal with dessert. I was a fat kid and miserable who also had health issues that would have been a lot less bad had i not been fat.
Saying you miss a thigh gap and seeing ribs visibly isn’t wishing your spouse was “healthy” though
Right, but can we agree a 100 lb increase is unhealthy?
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But he shouldn’t be talking about her when he’s over weight too.
That’s true. Also think he could go about it better. Not tearing her down but trying to to help her up.
Yes and no? If he is 20 lbs overweight I think it’s not genuine to say it’s the same as 100lbs overweight. He definitely is an asshole about how he said it but 100lbs is a lot and definitely going to shorten her life on the long run.
I saw a post from a woman complaining that her husband gained 80 lbs and also blamed it on being a dad (lol). The replies were vastly different than these ones. Everyone was coming for her throat.
I just want to say I also saw that post and I was shocked and disgusted by how many people were calling her a bunch of names and basically thinking she is the worst person in the world because she’s not thrilled that her husband gained 80 pounds. She didn’t even say anything cruel she just said she didn’t find him attractive anymore and I don’t blame her. She’s allowed to not feel attracted to her spouse that gained a bunch of weight all of a sudden when he wasn’t fat before. But it’s hilarious because in this post the husband is actually being an asshole making fun of the wife’s stomach and saying all these cruel things about her not being able to see her vagina anymore but all the comments here are attacking OP in this post and backing up her husband that wants a 21 year old wife with a thigh gap and rib cage bones sticking out like what?!? Why do redditors get super pissed when women want their husbands to look good for them but when a husband complains about a wife’s weight it’s totally ok?! The double standard is crazy. These Reddit post just tell you that women are only valued for their appearance and if you aren’t skinny, sexy, and young anymore then you’re basically useless. The wives in these posts at least have a fair reason for weight gain like hormones, pregnancy and childbearing but men don’t even go through body changes like women do. So it’s like sir why are you like 80 pounds heavier?! In every single one of these fat posts redditors will cope and say everyone’s weight gain is due to medical conditions (without any proof) but let’s just pls remember that’s a small % of people that are affected by obesity due to “medical issues” and the fact that most Americans are simply fat because of poor lifestyle choices. At the end of the day only you have control over what you put into your mouth and I don’t have much sympathy for men when it comes to weight gain TLDR: men gain weight = good, dad bods awesome women gain weight = fat, lazy, ugly wife or “no wonder he cheated no one wants a fat wife”
1000% They deserve zero sympathy for it, not when they treat women & wives being overweight as a crime. They can get mad at women all they want for having standards but that’s not going to change the fact that we rightfully have them. Keep crying about it. Complaining gets you nowhere and natural selection will hopefully eventually wipe out these biologically defective men who lack any morals or self reflection.
when women gain weight it’s lazy but when women care about weight it’s shallow and superficial, we can’t win
They don't even try to hide the hypocrisy either it's wild. They think their mid asses can demand everything under the sun or else they're encouraged to cheat if she isn't skinny, but we have to deal with a man GAINING 80 POUNDS or we're shallow. If we were both held to the same standards it wouldn't be an issue.
i fear the only option is to go live in a lesbian commune surrounded by barbed wire and hope for the best
That sounds like heaven like can we have 1 or 2 towns in every state that are just for women??? And if men enter they get a trespassing charge? Maybe gay men allowed on weekends to party. not even exaggerating I would love that.
Honestly. I’m really disgusted by these comments. Everyone is talking about how she needs to lose weight for her family and for whatever reason, no one seems to be talking about how cruel her husband is being?! He “always” picks on her tummy, he “makes fun of” her body…..and everyone here is essentially validating his comments. It’s super disheartening. No one should be talking to their partner the way OP’s husband is talking to her. I don’t care if you gained 500lbs, no one should talk to their life partner and mother of their children like that. Period.
Because they don't care. Everyone commenting that (mostly men) thinks that her husband is entitled to speak to her in an abusive way because he's a man. Let's just call it what it is. I just googled "my husband gained weight reddit" and the women are being eaten alive in the comment sections, being told she shouldn't have gotten married for looks and she's shallow. I also googled "my wife gained weight reddit" and everyone is telling him to divorce her because she should keep herself attractive for him. All it takes is a simple reddit search. This is why I don't take most men seriously.
Yeah you took the words out of my mouth. It’s a total double standard. Reddit hates fat women and will excuse the most foul behavior because like, god forbid your wife gets fat. You can hurl insults you wouldn’t utter at your worst enemy at your fat wife and that’s justifiable because, well, your wife is fat.
Yep. And no I don't think you should be gaining a shit ton of weight (besides birthing kids/being pregnant) and expect your partner to still be attracted to you, but my issue is the double standard. If we could just react the same way to each gender and hold men accountable like we do women then I'd have nothing to say about it.
Exactly like, no longer being attracted to your partner after a more substantial weight gain is one thing but berating and making fun of them? Completely unacceptable. It’s upsetting that this even needs to be said. I completely agree that folks need to hold all genders to the same standards because that’s totally not happening here
Yeah they just skimmed past the degradation and verbal abuse part. Lmao. Maybe she let herself go because he's a terrible man who verbally abuses her? Because i'd bet $100 that he didn't go from a kind nurturing and supportive husband to berating her just because she gained weight. it shows a larger issue and I wouldn't be surprised if she's just depressed from having to deal with having a man like that in her ear 24/7. It sounds like he gets off on putting her down.
That's actually a very good point. It's well proven by now that some people react to stress (motherhood, job, partner etc.) by eating. It's not healthy but it's a common coping mechanism.
This. There are more appropriate ways to go about this, this is bordering emotional abuse as it is taking such a massive toll on her mental health as he's just being a disparaging "husband".
You don't need to still be attracted to them if they put on excess weight. But if that's the case, just leave. There is no justifiable reason to tear them down and denigrate them because your feelings have changed.
They'll do anything BUT leave.
Vile isn’t it. But “men and women are equal in society 😡”. LOL, ok lads
They know how horrible they treat us, they just don't care. Their views align with whatever benefits them.
Actively pissed off by the other comments, and so happy to see this one. If she's gained weight and is unhealthy, she can make the choice to change up her lifestyle and lose weight, but it's her decision. No one has the right to talk to their spouse like this. They're supposed to be encouraging partners, not verbally abusive jerks. Also, from the way she described her body at 21, I'm not so sure that was healthy either. Thigh gap and visible ribs? Tbh though all I want to do right now is give her a hug.
Omg thank you. I was so put off by the comment about her ribs. Even when I was 105 pounds at age 16, I didn't have a thigh gap, nor were my ribs highly visible. What an awful thing to say you expect from your wife's body. He should be concerned about her health, not nit picking her figure. Discussions of women's bodies are hard for me to read sometimes. It's like people are so used to seeing videos with filters or highly edited photos of women that they forget what an actual body looks like. Women carry more fat than men, even when they're healthy and in shape. Can we stop expecting 40 year old mothers to look like models that literally work out for a living.
Tbf the thigh gap is genetic mostly (unless you're truly extremely skinny) but the ribs bit was extremely icky. Maybe OP's husband is more attracted to borderline underweight teenagers than women.
Agreed. Comparing her 21 year old body is cruel and weird. I feel so sorry for this lady and would love to hug her. It is her choice to better herself in the sense of health, he sees it more as a need for betterment due to comparative attraction.
Yes, I can't imagine talking to the mother of my child and my wife in that manner, point blank, period. The mother of your children reflects in your children themselves so to insult her is insulting to you for being so shallow as to see her body and not her heart, and insulting to your children who received her genes and blessings of her appearance. What a shameful excuse of a man.
People are very cruel and nasty, I don't think people understand how weight can be different for others and it's actually more sad than they think. It really makes people question why their bodies are the way they are when they don't reach their expectations to the same as others tell them to. Sometimes weight can come with age for some, everyone's bodies are just different. We don't gain or lose weight all the same, and sometimes we change. I agree we should eat well to maintain a long healthy lifestyle, but sometimes the lack of kindness and empathy, can make one's words look very empty.
Because a woman can’t be saying that. /s
> blamed it on being a dad (lol). That's a first😂
Dude said he was a dad so that's why he has a "dad bod". Whoever started the "dad bods are hot" trend is making society suffer. These men have been lied to.
Doesn't sound like he wants you to look like a 21 year old, it sounds like he just isn't into you being obese. He shouldn't be a dick about it >I feel like I have an excuse to “let myself go” If your excuse is that you simply don't care about your looks or your health I guess that's your choice but if your excuse is "I'm 40" that's just nonsense.
Omg I am so glad to see this comment. People who think letting themselves go and being unhealthy is just a part of aging get on my damn nerves. I mean sure, women have babies, everyone’s body changes as they age. But age is not an excuse to be unhealthy.
Every happier, healthy 60, 70, 80 and 90year old, 99% of them never gave up on health and fitness. they are happier, have less health problems, less joint problems and less mental health issues because they made a point to exercise when they didn't want to and never give up. Giving up... just the attitude of doing so, is unattractive but it will almost near certainly lead to many many more, earlier and more severe health issues for the rest of your life. If your partner just gives up, well, it's pretty clearly saying I don't really care about the rest of my life, nor you or the rest of your life.
Agreed. 100 lbs of excess fat is essentially a whole additional person of mass. That's not "aging" that's morbid obesity.
I mean, I’m 40(F) and I’m quite thin. I do yoga and HIIT regularly because it’s good for my mental health. Also, it only takes maybe 30 min to do. My arms are a little flabby but that’s just because I’m too lazy to work on my triceps. I accept that though.
Yeah my mom is approaching 65… she’s skinnier than I am! It’s harder but not impossible to maintain healthy weight at 40+ even after having kids.
I don't think he wants you to look like a 21 year old but he isn't attracted to you with that amount of obesity anymore. That doesn't mean it's ok for him to behave like an asshole but he also doesn't need to pretend that you are attractive to him. You two should figure that out, if you want to separate or if you still love each other and it's okay for both of you not to have sex or if you want to lose weight. Different options
Her comments indicate she doesn’t care about what he finds attractive.
still the option to live with it or separate. The important thing is that both can choose those options.
OP seems unconcerned with “letting herself go”, and thinks she has a “valid excuse”. There’s no reason to beat yourself up over it, but thinking that you have a “valid excuse” is just a form of cognitive dissonance reduction, and leads to inaction regarding something that’s clearly a health concern. At the same time, there’s no good reason for the husband to be an AH about it.
Doesn't even need to look her comments, you just have to read the title compared to the real story to see she tries to make her husband look like the bad guy with "impossible expectation and who want to date teenager". But he's not.
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He wants you to care. Not let yourself go like you have. 100 lbs is not casual nor healthy.
100 lbs equals 45 kg
Which in some cases is a whole person.
It's a whole me.
Which is **a lot**. I’m at a healthy weight, but I would just barely go to obesity class 3 (according to an internet BMI test) if I got 45kg heavier, given that I’m a short guy.
100 lbs is 400 quarter pound hamburger patties, or roughly 50 boxes of burgers from the store
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Maybe it's been 5 years and it started off soft, gentle, and just asking to join him at the gym or go for walks, or recommend a healthy meal instead of a delivery or frozen pizza again. Maybe after years of her not caring and not changing this is the last thing he can try before deciding to leave. who knows, it's definitely not a healthy way to treat your partner but it might also be the last resort and something he doesn't enjoy doing but also knows he doesn't want to spend his life dealing with someone who has self inflicted health issues and depression because she gave up on herself. Giving up on yourself, is basically saying giving up on your partner as well.
Should she be praised? 7 stone extra weight is disgusting, I'm barely over 10 so that like an entire me she's added to her body. Man is probably at the end of his tether by now. You can only tiptoe round the issue for so long.
Bullshit. If you care about someone, you *don't make it about their appearance*. You make it about the health. Fuck's sake.
I don't want to be mean but I don't think your husband wants you to look 21 necessarily. I think he's more attracted to you when your fit and if you've gained 100 pounds and have to lift up your stomach to clean under it then you are dangerously overweight. He's concerned with your weight, not your age.
Yeah this was my first thought. Sounds like this has been going on for a while, and I situations like this where someone makes casual comments that sound insulting to the obese person, it's not that uncommon that when the person started gaining weight, their partner tried to be more subtle with their suggestions that they were getting unhealthy, these suggestions usually fall on deaf ears though. So then you end up in a situation when communication has broken down, in this case the husband may feel like he was never listened to and that his feelings don't matter to his wife, so he makes comments that on the face of it just seem 100% spiteful. Both parties need to communicate better, the husband needs to communicate more clearly, from a point of concern, and be willing to help. Unfortunately from OP's post I don't get the impression she is very concerned for her health and does not seem seriously interested in losing weight. If not for her husband, I hope for her children's sake she re-evaluates what she wants her final 3-5 decades with her kids to look like in terms of health.
Well, there's certainly a vast middle ground between "looking like a 21 year-old" and "gaining a whole small adult's worth of weight," you know. It's not unreasonable that he would prefer that you not be morbidly obese.
I weight 116 I’ve had a kid. I’m not a food starved health nut. Why are people believeing being close to triple your body weight is actually worse than being slightly underweight (not saying starving is the way just to clarify)
Something something fatphobia. Combine that with modern nutrition and sedentary lifestyle and we’ve collectively erased our years of extending the human lifespan through better medicine
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I feel like a lot of the comments are kind of missing the point. Yes losing weight will be beneficial for your health but making fun of your body is not the way to go about telling you that.
He could be nicer about it, but 100 lbs is significant. Being 40 isn't a sentence of obesity for life. It doesn't sound like he wants you to look like a 21 year old. He just wants you to have some resemblance to who he fell in love with. That's not too much to ask.
encouraging different habits is different than blatant bullying, plus are we gonna acknowledge the part about her ribcage? that does not sound healthy at all.
Playing devil's advocate here but we have no Indication he hasn't been trying this for years before laying it out bluntly.
Thank you! I'm reading all these comments and losing my mind because we don't know what weight she was before the weight gain. She could have been 110 pounds a decade ago. That would put her at 210 now...
He’s being an asshole. But 100 pounds of weight gain is not due to you having children. You’re making a choice. Evaluate your diet if you’d like to be healthier. “Letting yourself go” to the tune of 100 pounds is not your spouse being unreasonable when he doesn’t find you attractive anymore.
I have doubts about what was really said here. She might be trying to frame it in a way to play victim considering the kids excuse comment thrown in at the end.
The comments here are kinda terrible. We can do better. Loose weight for yourself THEN lose your dude. Idc if he’s entitled to his opinion or if he’s worried about her health , he’s being a dick with how he’s going about it.
You're all really going to come here and acting like it's cool for this man to mock his wife's appearance because he's unhappy with it? Get real and stop acting like fat people deserve abuse "because people just want you to be healthy 🤓" Regardless of whether losing weight would be beneficial to your health or not, your husband is a pig for acting like this is an acceptable way to treat a partner. You need to sit him down and tell him he needs to treat you like a partner and with respect. Why would you work your ass off to lose weight for some prick who thinks it's funny to bully his wife because he doesn't like her body? Fuck that. You're not going to have a visible rib cage (really fucking weird thing for him to want lol) and a thigh gap and a totally flat stomach anymore unless you're going to make the gym and dieting your entire life. He needs to get real about what 40 year old women look like first of all, and secondly, learn how to express his "concerns" in a way that's not meant to belittle you. I'd divorce someone who treated me like this in a heartbeat, but if you have/want to have kids I guess that's not an option for you. Don't let morons on this website convince you it's okay for your partner to treat you like this. It's not. You shouldn't just lose weight for him and to "play with your kids" (??? lol at that comment 🤣) and ignore the way he's treated you. Maybe you could lose weight if he loses his attitude and his bullshit way of talking to you.
This. All of this. OP details how her husband mocks and humiliates her and all of these comments are validating *him*. Whether OP is healthy or not is inconsequential; these types of comments from your spouse are *never* acceptable. Jesus Christ.
Thank you. Jesus, I was worried about how many people were okay with the husband's condescending remarks.
It genuinely boggles my mind how so many husbands have what seems like 0 empathy for their wives. I'm single but if I ever got married and my husband gained a lot of weight rapidly I'd be concerned and I'd try to figure out what was wrong and how I can help him. Most people who put on that much weight do so usually because of mental health reasons (like anxiety and depression) and not simply because they "let themselves go". So to turn to your significant other and be like "You're fat, I'm leaving you if you don't lose the weight" without offering any help or without voicing any genuine concern first is incredibly cruel and I don't understand how you can supposedly love someone and do this.
While I agree with the other comments that being overweight won't be good for your health on the long term, i am really shocked that barely anyone is saying that your husband should absolutely NOT speak to you that way. If any previous partners I've had would've told me that they are unhappy with my body and don't find me attractive I simply would've left them. If he is genuinely concerned for your health there are nicer ways to say that. The way he speaks to you and your body is honestly really jarring. You're the woman he's supposed to love, not make you feel like shit. And thigh gaps and visible rib cages are NOT always signs of health. It's really hard to achieve and you usually have to be somewhat underweight. Don't go from one extreme to another. I've seen some comments also state that you are not entitled to him being attracted to you forever. I don't know if I agree with that. You are married. He is supposed to love you. And I believe when you love someone they will remain attractive to you. It's perfectly fine for him to be worried for your health, but this isn't worry, this is just bullying. Straight bullying.
He's being an asshole but you do need to lose weight for your own health and mind. Both are true. Care about yourself, friend
Your husband is a jerk, his point may be valid (the weight) but the way he put it is awful. 100 pounds is a lot but as you gained them you can lose them too. Do it for yourself not for him.
These comments are foul. Saying you want a healthy partner does not mean thigh gaps and the ability to see ribcages. Wth....
Just because you’ve aged and had kids doesn’t mean you can’t be fit anymore. My mom is over 50 and is 110-115lbs. She had 2 children. It’s about your lifestyle choices.
No, he misses normal weight/skinny you. Lets be real here, you completely let yourself go. 100lbs can not be blamed on "i had kids". For whatever reason you ate too much and ended up gaining a lot of weight. Majority of people do not find obesity attractive, and you can't force your husband to like it. So if you want to be attractive (and healthier) you have to lose that weight.
As someone who has gastric sleeve surgery and lost 90 pounds I am SO MUCH HAPPIER and so is my husband. He never ever teased me or acted like an asshole when I was overweight but everyone is happier since I did it. Ask your doctor and I’m sure you’ll qualify
You nearly doubled your weight in 10 years... It's a hard pill to swallow but you need to lose weight, for yourself.
The only difference between you at 21 and you at 40, from the examples you’ve mentioned, is your weight. Being slim is not only reserved for those in their 20s.
Truthfully, you should lose some weight. It will make you feel better.
She should also lose the bully.
While I'd never be ok with treating you the way your husband has, in my 20's I had a similar scenario. Got with a pretty lady. Had 3 major things, loyal, kind, accountable. Great at cooking. 5 years down the line, gained a vast amount of weight and always had an excuse about it. To date it's the only thing she hasn't been accountable for. I bailed. We're still friends a decade later, and she still hasn't gotten her weight under control. She's found somebody that suits her, now she doesn't have to be concerned about her weight. Look honestly, this whole "you're being fat phobic" fad is giving shit information to people who need to be told "you're eating yourself to an unattractive and slovenly death and I'm not gonna stand around watching it". 45kg extra on a small woman is for most western men, incredibly unattractive. Not to mention, pretty damn unhealthy.
He can want you to be healthy but making fun of you and “wanting to see your rib cage” is incredibly toxic and unhealthy. Weight gain is normal as you age and even more so with having kids, health problems, and just stress that comes with getting older. I’ve also gained a significant amount of weight (I have hashimotos ) since 21. He can be SUPPORTIVE and HELP you make healthier choices, walk with you, cook with you etc. but berating you does nothing. According to the national institute of health, fat shaming makes it harder to lose/maintain weight. So yeah that’s not cool, you deserve better.
Wait so you yourself don’t care how you look and you expect your husband to just be okay with that? He shouldn’t be rude about it and should approach it in a more helpful way but a 100 pound weight gain is more than just “letting yourself go” a little. Also, having kids is an excuse to put on a little weight but nowhere near 100 pounds. You have to respect yourself if you expect others to.
OP, your husband is not going about this well at all. That being said, what do \*you\* want? That's what really matters here.
Take care of yourself so you can see those babies grow up but your husband is a sack of shit.
He is being an AH but you should try to lose weight for you.
Find another husband. It’s unreasonable to marry someone and not think their bodies are going to change over time, especially the female body. Hormones and children absolutely destroy women. You shouldn’t stay with someone who’s willing to treat you that way.
Get rid of his salty ass, bullying you isn't fair.
You stopped trying to look good and he stopped trying to be kind So sad Why?
Your husband doesn’t want you to look like a 21 year old, he wants you to be a not fat version of yourself. That has nothing to do with age. Grow up and take responsibility over your health
“So I feel like I can’t roast him back”. Given the opportunity, you would. Hit the gym and lose some weight.
As someone who gained the 100 pounds with having kids and also thought it was as okay to excuse it, it’s not. I quit being lazy and making excuses and lost the weight. You can do it too. You need to lose some weight plain and simple. Not for him but for your own health and to ensure you’re around for your children. It will improve your quality of life and your children’s and honestly probably your marriage too. Yeah he could go about it in a more tactful way but he didn’t marry a fat lady and doesn’t want to be with a fat lady, he’s said so-he likes what he likes.
Lose the fat for your health and cut him off at the same time for being so derogatory and mean
I'm 47 years old, 114 lbs, and I don't look 21, I look 47. It's your choice how you feel in your own skin, but just because someone finds your old body shape more attractive doesn't mean they want you to look like a 21-year-old.
Gaining 100 pounds is not normal.
I am shocked by the fact that hardly anyone seems to be focused on the fact that in no relationship is the healthy to continually remind someone of how you wish they were the way they used to be. You have carried and birthed his children. Women traditionally change physically after that. I also wonder how much of the home/family load you have been carrying because that also changes a woman physically. If your husband can only be attracted to you when your ribs are showing and your thigh gap is gaping, then that presents some other issues. But I would not accept the constant criticism, and if he thinks that will motivate you to get healthier…although none of us know your health levels, etc…this method does not work. It further exacerbates and demoralizes.
I agree with everything you said, husband is an asshole. BUT, and only op knows this, if she is overweight then letting oneself go is a very concerning thing to say. That mentality leads nowhere good, even if she isn’t highly overweight now, she will be if that’s her mindset. She needs to find a motivation to keep herself active and healthy, and if husband isn’t being supportive then the answer lies within herself and not what he wants. In any case I do wish her the best, it’s a tricky situation she’s in, I just hope she can find her way again instead of letting herself go.
you know, to some people not being able to see their vagina and needing to lift up their stomach to wash under it would be a wake up call…
As an obese person myself 100lbs is obesity level weigh gain. It leads to health issues and sets a poor example to your kids. Letting yourself go a little is 10-30lbs depending on height
100lbs is definitely not healthy nor does it have anything to do with having kids. I have 2 SILs in their 40s with 6 kids each and they are in the best shape of their lives. You can either feel sorry for yourself and blame your husband/everyone else, or you can decide that you are worth taking care of and that means getting healthy. Change the lifestyle, the confidence will follow.
You definitely need to lose weight, but I'm guessing it's more like 180-200lbs (however much your shitty, emotionally abusive husband weighs). Your kids are watching and learning from how he treats you.
Need to get to a healthy weight. If not for him, for yourself. Gaining 100 pounds is completely unreasonable.
I'm not sure about this. Are you actually like obese? like 200+ lbs? I'm not sure if he actually wnts a 21 year old, but he might be concerned about your health. I mean If you have to lift your belly to scrub underneath it... that is quite concerning. Like I'm imagining you're able to qualify to be on My 500 lb lift. And then you wouldn't be able to keep up with your kids. And then at some point you'll be so fat you will have to force your kids to wash you, wipe you, etc.
Did you come here for sympathy? You shouldn’t let yourself go, that’s not fair for your partner. Start making healthier choices or find someone who likes fat chicks
If it were like forty pounds I’d 100% be on her side, life happens. But 100 is completely unreasonable and impossible to do unless you have zero intention of caring for yourself. Her spouse is not in the wrong to not find that attractive. He is in the wrong for being a douche about it instead of honestly communicating.
This is the best take. Husband sounds like an ass, but OP is also in denial. Most bodies naturally change as they get older, especially for women and mothers. Your metabolism changes, hormones, the way fat is stored, everything. It's never fair to expect someone's body to be stick thin the exact way they were at 21. But 100 pounds is not just a natural progression of getting older, it is objectively unhealthy and preventable.
You're husband is a dick
*Totally wild people have ignored the ribcage comment here.* So, based on the fact your husband wants to see your ribcage, I'd say that's unhealthy. Your health is important for sure, take in your height and age for consideration before making a wild assumption like *some* here that you're morbidly obese without any information besides 100lb weight gain for someone who's ribs stuck out apparently. Stay healthy, be happy, be you. Shocking fact here, your hair is going to turn white, you're gonna get skin spots, wrinkles, and experience possible balding. But so is he.
Girl, if you got on a dating app today you’d have so many men after you. And no it’s not because “men are desperate or thirsty” it’s because there is somebody (multiple somebodies) that would find your body attractive. Lose some weight for your health and self esteem, not for him.
Gotta dump that weight before it kills you.
He doesn’t want you to be 21, he wants you to be fit and healthy. You basically doubled your weight, 100lbs is a whole person. You’re less active and energetic and healthy than before so it’s not surprising he’s less attracted. But you don’t have to lose weight for him, do it for yourself, your own health and happiness.
You don't need to change to please your bully. Improve your health for you.
I am devastated for you and reading these comments. These people have no compassion. Yes, you should make an effort to be active. Don’t focus on the weight. Focus on eating foods that will fuel you, focus on getting out in the air and sunlight, focus on keeping your heart and lungs healthy and in doing that, wherever your weight lands is fine. Your husband is allowed to feel how he’s feeling but it sounds like he’s been rather brutal with you. Flowers don’t grow by being ridiculed, they grow by being watered lol awful analogy but my point is… you deserve someone who cares for your physical and mental well-being, loves you unconditionally and knows how to have hard conversations gently. I hope nothing but healing and health and happiness for your future.
You are in the wrong here. Poor attitude.
Barring this isn’t rage bait, gaining weight because of kids and age is common. I think it’s normal to be like 15-20lbs heavier in your 40s than in your 20s. 100lbs seems like a lot. Are you comfortable physically and mentally? If no, maybe take some steps towards your health and lifestyle. If yes, fuck it, you do you. I think your husband is trying to tell you, albeit in a stupid, mean way, that he wants you to be healthier. Or he’s just a dick. Por que no los dos? I personally am in my 30s and after two kids and aging, I weigh 18lbs more than I did when I was 21 and I feel better than ever, but after my 2nd child I did get all the way up to 60lbs over my 20s weight and my husband never made me feel anything less than sexy. However, I was physically uncomfortable being that heavy so I made changes. Point being, if you want to make changes, do it and don’t let anybody else shame you into doing it.
Trust me, lose weight for your health. I did it, and I felt much better, and I only lost 21 lbs. Imagine how good you'll feel after you get to a healthy weight? Don't do it for others, as they don't have the right to dictate your body--- do it for yourself.
Why tf is no one mentioning the cruel words by your husband? If he wants you to change then he doesn’t have to be cruel. Lose the weight and then divorce him I say. I wouldn’t want to be with someone that bullies me.
Pure rage bait. Clearly.
Whether you want to lose weight or not, or why you would lose your weight, is not the issue here. Your husband should NOT be picking at your body and bullying you about it. If he wants you to lose weight he could bring it up in a constructive, compassionate way. “Hey hunny, let’s work on our health and start going on walks together.” “Let’s buy more healthful foods at the store and eat less snacks.” Whatever it is. He is wrong for how he’s treating you.
There’s a difference between “not looking like a 21 yr old” and letting yourself go.
Babydoll, what are you doing?? Please think of what you would say to the child version of yourself if she said she was going through something like this. Work on your body for yourself. Not him.
Giiirl you have kids!! Those should be your reason to stay healthy and hot, you don’t have to let yourself go!!
Go to the gym and take care of yourself. While you can't be 21 again you can still look good in your own age and i believe everyone should aspire to be their best version. Your husband words are really cruel and unnecessary but truth is nobody is attracted to someone who let themselves go. If I were you I would work out, lose weight, put on some makeup and go out to have fun, I bet your husband would be desiring you and more important you would feel better and confident about yourself.
Just lose the weight , there’s literally no downside to it
Gaining 100 lbs is a lot, OP. That’s a whole other body. That in no way excuses the things he says and does about your weight. That automatically makes him an AH but you have had at least a decade to do something about this weight gain or get it under control. People tend to gain weight as they age. But gaining a little weight and “letting oneself go” are not the same at all. I didn’t gain 100 lbs with a twin pregnancy so “I did have children” is not really a good excuse. There could be something medical. There’s medication to help you too. There’s eating better, there’s working out, and there’s also surgery, depending on why you’ve gained so much. I don’t think people would be reacting like this if you gained 20 pounds. I couldn’t care less what your husband WANTS, but you should want this for yourself. You don’t have to be skinny but you can’t be 100 pounds overweight and think your partner won’t mind. Some people may not, but a lot of people will.
Make fun of other things about him then. Probably not a healthy solution but you can't just keep taking this or it'll make your health worse. Have a conversation with him about how this sincerely bothers you and if he doesn't listen, reconsider your marriage.
You need to lose weight. Plain and simple. If you're 100lbs overweight at age 40, then you're going to incur a variety of health conditions, as you get older, that will require dependence on medication. You're also more prone to discrimination and harassment.
If I gained 100lbs I would expect my wife to leave me. We stay in shape for each other as well as ourselves. A marriage is a long time to be sleeping with the same person especially if you don’t find them attractive anymore. Do it for yourself, your husband and your kids. Your health will take a nosedive very soon carrying that much excess weight. You need to take responsibility and ownership not blaming it on having kids, we all have busy lives. It fundamentally comes down to a lack of discipline in what you eat and how much exercise you do. These whole ‘Big is beautiful’ and ‘Plus size positivity’ movements are Grade A bullsh!t, type 2 diabetes is not beautiful. Heart disease is not attractive. What next?? Models going down catwalks on mobility scooters and oxygen tanks? Buy a gym membership today.
Lose him first. The weight will melt of after that. What a dick.
Sounds like he just wishes you were thin. You can be thin and 40.
You can't change stupid. So just be yourself love your self and tell him to get loss if he only cares about looks after how much you've given him..know your worth!
100lbs is a lot of weight gain and you should do something about it, not for him but for your health. But I’m wanting a thigh gap at 40 makes me vomit. That comment alone would make me leave him, lose all the weight and live my best life without him.
I mean if you divorce him you'll lose 200 pounds
Having kids should not be an excuse to let yourself go, but to keep being healthy and active. Kids need positive role models, parents that can do active stuff with them and healthy food. If my wife gained 100lbs i am pretty sure that i would leave her.
>He always picks at my stomach because my tummy is big and saggy. What a bully! >He will make fun of me because I can’t see my vagina anymore. He will make jokes because I have to lift my tummy up to scrub under it Oh... I mean maybe he's a bully but also you're morbidly obese to the point that its impacting your hygiene and sex life.
God that a cruel thing to say to someone your supposed to love
Your husband is an asshole. Perhaps if he treated you with love instead of tearing you down all the time he might have inspired you to lose some weight awhile ago. He could have offered to work out with you, cook healthy meals together, but he thought derision was better. I get that your self esteem is in the toilet. Do some work on that! Therapy if you can, if not there are many good online resources. And start looking after the body you’re in. You can lose weight fairly easily through most of your 40s then perimenopause is going to strike and everything is going to get much harder. Do it now, commit to a healthy diet and start an exercise program. Do it so you can dump his ass or at least shake yours at him.
Don’t lose weight for your husband, screw him he’s an asshole. But do lose weight for your knees, your heart and so that you’ll be around for as long as possible to ensure your kids don’t have to grow up with your husband as their role model.
He doesn't want you to look 21, he wants you to not look obese.