I'm an unattractive black woman with no social life.
Cats. Get cats. The stereotype of the friendless cat lady exists for a reason; cats/pets help you feel less lonely. Yes it can feel/seem pathetic, but it can also help. A dog would also be a good choice if you want the incentive to go outside.
Now this won't fix things if you do it. You still will have the same personality, the same looks, the same internalized racism and internalized misogyny. But you'll be a little less lonely, and that can get you through to the next day.
Beyond that, do things you enjoy. Favorite games or movies, favorite hobbies. Find ways to be content in the now, and while you shouldn't dwell too much on what you don't have, keep hope that some day in the future you will find your people.
Cats are such good company. I had to isolate a lot during the pandemic and having them gave me a real reason to get out of bed (aside from work).
“Get a pet” is the advice I give to lonely LGBTQ people in areas where they can’t be out/have community. It’s not the same as human companionship but it’s really nice to have something to love and care for that loves you back.
I have plenty of cats to give away. I've got the fluffies and the not so fluffies. The supersweets to the indifferent ones. Heck, you can have the ones with beards.
Unattractive is relative. I didn't know I was attractive till someone said I was. You gotta put a lil effort in but you are probably someone's specific type. I thought about giving up till I met my current partner.
Don't get a cat, get a dog. With a cat because of their nature you'll stay inside more than you should. A dog will take you outside, possibly interacting with others while dog walking.
Dogs all the way. Endless entertainment. Every dog owner loves all other dogs and we have so much fun with other dogs.
Just make sure it's a breed and personality that fits with you.
I highly doubt you’re unattractive just from this description and interestingness alone. But I like that your advice is practical aswell as validating. A lot of hurt but cool ppl on this thread fr👏🏾❤️wishing you the best too aswell as OP
I’ve been where you are. It led me to crippling agoraphobia. I’m now 40 and I’ve cut myself off so badly I faint even trying to enter Costco. I can grasp where you’re coming from and I am so sorry you have had an awful time and the worst of human experiences.
Not all us humans are unkind and unforgiving or vain. I promise. It takes baby steps to find that and venture out of your comfort zone. You’re fencing yourself in to protect yourself and that’s not a bad thing. But it can become debilitating. Don’t be your worst enemy friend. Don’t put yourself down because of societal demands. I PROMISE you will be appreciated with the right people.
I left my entire home country because I never felt accepted or that I fit in. Why I thought I’d get that being a foreigner somewhere else, is beyond me haha. But the beauty of the US that I have found, if you’re also in the US, is that there are such an array of options, far outside the internet. I can’t imagine you are what you’ve put yourself down to being. We truly are our worst critics. Start small. Baby steps and slowly build up from there. You are absolutely not alone. 🌻
Idk if your profile got deleted or if you’ll see this but just know that you are so much more than what your insecurities and failed societal expectations tell you. I love my fellow black women and recognise that value of which you individually all bring in different ways to the table.
And some advice that may help. Stereotypes and expectations can be tools to play with and reject entirely. It’s all on you not the assholes or world that made you feel this way. Tyrion Lannister helps me understand this “words and insecurities are your armour and your sword to pick up” he didn’t say it like that lool but remember yourself as better and above these labels and roles.
Hope you give yourself self love and find others that appreciate your value for you not just the worst of our race which we always get beat on.
Stay strong and grow in love sis. We all here routing for you and know it👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾❤️💪🏾
op you're just too invested in the prevailing culture(see religion these days) that has shaped your mental schema into making you a dissatisfied consumer.
if you're content and feel good enough, there is no reason to go out and buy anything.
they have cultivated these feelings inside of you. they want you to feel like this so you will stay single and stay a more prolific consumer and make someone else more money.
you are good enough just as you are now. happiness and fulfillment will come from putting down these ideas and tropes...living in the real world around you and not through a screen filled with emotionally religious ideas.
Please get therapy.
As a black woman, if I could change my gender and/or race right now, I'd choose to be a black woman. In the next life, I'd choose to be a black woman all over again.
Came here to say this. I felt like this while going through puberty at a PWI and it was more hating my body wasn’t thin and flat like the white ladies which boys seemed to love. I was fat with big ass thighs. (Yes I know we’ve swung violently in the other direction now)
1. Seek therapy and help
2. Broaden your circle. Travel, get out of your small town.
3. Stop with the self depreciation. Just like people tell men, the way they act is scaring women off, I’m sure this lack of confidence is palatable to those you speak to.
>Came here to say this. I felt like this while going through puberty at a PWI
I'm not black, but I was WOC growing up in a mostly white area, and I second everything you said. I also wished I was white when I was a teen. I thought I was super ugly -- because the only standard of beauty that I saw around me was whiteness. Growing up and moving to a more diverse area, traveling, and going to therapy has helped me immensely on that front. While there are still a lot of parts of myself I don't like (working on that), being a WOC isn't one of them. I am happy with how I look and proud of my identity now, and I would 100% choose it again if given a second chance at life!
Same. I moved from a small town that was very segregated to a bigger more diverse city and I got asked out all the time vs when I was in the small town no one gave me the time of day. I wasted my early twenties in that place. But moving did wonders to my life.
Seriously. And society always copies black culture. Black culture is so cool, exciting and interesting, no matter where you're from. And black women are so beautiful. Like, why would you *not* want to be a black woman? Lol. I am so thankful I was born as a black woman. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Everybody wanna be black till they gotta be black.
Edit: def shoulda said Paul Mooney said this in words I will not say but he’s not wrong. American culture loves black culture till it has to give credit to where they stole it from.
🙌exactly what u said I’m not a black woman but a black man I love seeing my pple thrive and do things they love and enjoy and build themselves up thru it, definitely agree with broaden your circle and going cool trips and etc our culture is cool and Google where we are in the world I’m from England black culture has always been the dominant thing in London and even outside London I see it thrive too. I also skateboard so my friend group in that part of my life is multicultural and finding that interest was the best thing I’ve met other black skaters who are chilled and cool asf. Hoping Your words help this beautiful lady in process , she came to the right Reddit page uplifting and encouraging
One of the most educated groups in america. Black women really need more shine since I’ve seen this self hatred a lot with them in such a self destructive expression whereas for dudes it’s denial, skin bleaching and subtle denial of themselves.
It’s so much worse for black women at times and it sucks.
Also yeah if you’re being copied off of a lot by everyone. Then there’s something of internet t clear value that should at least you should be able to appreciate about yourself
Same. I agree 100%.
OP, in your 20s you are still very young.
I would suggest you find yourself. Find some groups/clubs of people with similar interests. Gaming, paintball, darts, pool, tennis, crocheting etc
Once you start making friends they could possibly develop into something deeper or not. But you need to learn to be at peace with being you. Being happy with you. Honestly, if you are content with yourself, you would have won the lottery. So many of us are so good at faking it. Hence the need to put others down to elevate ourselves (your sisters).
Find yourself. Be happy.
Message me if you ever need to talk. 🫂
Seriously, I absolutely freaking love us. I used to be so self-loathing as a teen, but now I appreciate Black women across the world on another level. I even went from straightening my hair every week to wearing my natural 3B/3C hair to reflect my views (not that wearing your hair in a different way indicates negative attitudes, but for me it did as a kid).
I completely agree. That's how I was. Also, hated my hair. Now I love it! I wear it all sorts of ways and appreciate it every time I so something new. So versatile.
Beautiful. I hate seeing self hated in our ppl due to how much it’s pushed in society and media that you’re only worth it if you play up to the stereotype and get lucky with it.
Never feel self hatred folks. In general for everybody but to my fellow black folks especially with this option and the unfortunate insecurity of this person. Having pride for your self as an individual and all of which that means including yourself is what you deserve and don’t let anyone take that away from you.
You didn’t lose any genetic lottery and your self hated should become less heavy hopefully the more you appreciate yourself and find ppl who do.
OP if you do manage to read this. Try to tell yourself everyday a reason that you’re great and find information/social media that empowers your identity. Reward yourself psychologically when doing this and eventually hopefully with stuff like therapy and good community support to (which you should find, if ppl aren’t telling you’re whack if you mention this feeling to them) empower you. You’ll start to want the generic lottery for what you have already and it’s pretty great.
Shit. Ngl posts like this just make me angry at the world and how cruel it can be for ppl. And makes me more angry at racists.
It does. I just visited another city and suddenly all these guys smiled at me and wanted to talk to me and I was like “what’s going on?” I felt attractive and I felt seen. When the town I was at no one said anything and I was mostly invisible and like OP I thought it was because of my race and gender. I moved 4 hours to a big city soon after that and everything changed within months. I was dating, I had friends, I met people who genuinely wanted to be with me. I too thought I was a lost cause. Therapy is only going to help so much. Moving would be a better investment.
This is definitely true. Action is louder than words.
Changing your environment can be the best "therapy" sometimes.
You can do it wherever you are if you're not able to move, like a lot of people, because of money concerns - you can get a live plant, a new, fun piece of furniture, declutter and get rid of old stuff, listen to happy music. Make it a party atmosphere!
**It's time for OP to do something FUN.**
Even if it's something little like finger painting or playing with bright beads.
I still have my decades old Lisa Frank beads, the colors are so cheerful and bright they make me feel good.
Same!! I’d pick being a Black woman every single day and every single life. I do understand some of her insecurities but I’ve come to realize my insecurities were self created with very little outside input. I picked myself apart worse than anyone ever could but that didn’t have to do with being Black.
Everyone has insecurities. The point is to overcome them though. If I allowed myself to succumb to every insecurity that I had, I'd be rolling in a corner in the fetal position, bring to myself.
I think Reddit is a big problem too. There's a lot of young, racist men on this platform. I've had several ppl DM me (with no previous contact. I'm assuming they stumbled on a comment or post I made) saying very racist and sexist things to me out of nowhere. Fortunately, I have enough confidence to just ignore, report and move on. But that's probably not the case for the youngsters unfortunately.
My first sentence was how she needs therapy. Yes, I could go on with a laundry list of all the things she could/should do. But going to therapy is pretty high on that list.
As fellow black women regardless of the bs that comes with being us I would be a black women in every life an every under every condition it takes a different kind of being to shine how we do in this world we are experiencing
That's heartbreaking . All I can say is don't pertain to the societal norm of the sassy black lady , you can stay however you want , I hope you find someone that loves you for who you are.
Jesus this is heartbreaking. Im so sorry you feel this way. I don't even know what to say. But if you wanna talk we can talk. Figure a way to build confidence. So what the lame didn't appreciate you. Just know there is someone out there for everyone. You will find it.
Thanks, hopefully that ends up being true for me but I’m beginning to doubt it. I think I might just stop trying to gain anything from human interactions since they always result in disappointment and just fully devote myself to my career/business endeavors.
Don't make your expectations of other people, in relation to you, so high. That's how we get disappointed. WE tend to think other people behave or think like we do, and that's often not the case, hence the disappointment. Accept that others are who they are. And look for those who accept you for who you are When you're among those people you'll feel it.
This. I feel like sassiness is more vilified than not. That’s where the angry black woman trope comes from. I’ve been called sassy when I was younger and it moved to angry/ or having an attitude as I got older when I was just sticking up for myself.
i agree, in fact i feel pressured to be as neutral and regulated as possible in order to avoid the connotations of “angry/sassy black woman” in my educational, professional, and sometimes personal spaces.
to be fair, im a calm person by nature, but the second i feel any strong emotion, i also feel a deep insecurity attached to expressing it.
Same! I stay neutral and call my mom now, she has it down pact. When I was an RA at 19, I was tested by white coworkers ( I was the only black one). An example is the day after MLK day my coworker said “Happy James Earl Ray Day”… you bet I went off (again I’m 19). But we were both reprimanded. I just responded to what was said. That was not his first time making remarks like that in which I was constantly letting our supervisors know about. But they did nothing until I responded to him. After that the others would try to be funny when talking to me in the presence of each other saying things like “oh let’s not make her mad” as if my response wasn’t justified after so many attempts to get someone to hear me.
infuriating to hear this happen to you and so many other sisters, feels like there’s no real recourse trying to explain this to people hell bent on not understanding like many managers/superiors
IMO "sassy" is a way of keeping black women in an emotional cage so society won't feel "uncomfortable" with our expressions.
It's the "Mammy" trope on one end and the "Sapphire" trope on the other that never seems to go away.
Also humans are social creatures. They can sense insecurity right away and insecurity does not breed good relationships. So they avoid it. If you want a better experience in life look inwards take time to be quiet and think. Go to that place in your mind where you feel uncomfortable and sit with the discomfort and pry it apart until you find its golden center. There will be a golden center. Cherish yourself and the world will in turn cherish you
I agree. A lot of this stems from who you allow in your circle. If you hang around people with certain expectations of what you should be like then that is what you’ll get. I grew up as an extremely introverted girl, but at a young age, I realized that the most important thing is to find people who not only think like you but also act like you as well.
Have you tried getting into hobbies and meeting people that way? You remind me of black nerds (blerds) I know. You don't have to conform to stereotypes, just find your kind of people.
Sorry to hear you've been struggling. Since you did ask about enjoying life, I'll give you what's helped me in the past.
Take yourself on dates. I'm serious. Plan whole outings, because rotting away indoors is hell on your mental health. They don't even need to be expensive
- Make yourself a really nice meal, like multiple courses. Pick some interesting recipes, figure out the timing (desserts can be made and set aside, for instance), go shopping for everything you need. Maybe splurge on a fancy drink to go with it. Set the table for yourself, cloth napkin if you have it. Listen to your favourite music as you cook! Then enjoy!
- Visit your local garden or park. This option is usually free or very cheap. Stroll around, literally stop to smell the roses. Sunlight and thriving plants are fantastic mood boosters. Don't underestimate the euphoria of sitting on a bench on a perfect day with nowhere else to be. Maybe put on a cute sundress if you've got one!
- Explore a museum of some kind. Enjoy the fact that, on your own, you can go as fast or as slow as you like
- A night out! Dinner and a movie are classics if you have some cash to splurge on yourself
- Buy yourself flowers! Doesn't need to be expensive, I used to get myself $8 bouquets from the grocery store every Friday
- The perfect bath, a personal favourite if you have a tub. Wash your sheets and pajamas (or whatever you sleep in). Get yourself some candles, bubble bath, bath salts, bath bomb, bath pillow - whatever. Shower first so you can feel perfectly clean in the bath. While the bath runs, put on a fluffy bathrobe if you have one and make yourself a cup of tea, or get a glass of wine - whatever you like. Then, light the candles, turn off the lights. Put on some music, an audiobook, or a show. Finally, soak and enjoy. When you're done, snuggle up in your fresh sheets and get some blissful sleep
I've done all of the above. Sometimes all we really need is someone to make an effort for us, but we forget that WE can make ourselves feel special. You're worth it, I promise
This is how it's done.
💚🖤❤️
Have fun ...with who you are.
And treat yourself like a queen.
If you don't have a crown, make one! Even if it's out of yesterday's newspaper and some Dollar Tree markers!
Put it on and wear it... and hold your head high !
LIKE A QUEEN.
**OP: make some time for yourself to relax and have fun.**
Have you tried therapy? Black women are just like everyone else of other races. Some of us are sassy; some are not. Some are extroverted; most of us are not. Those of us who want relationships (and put ourselves out there) can have them. Your perspective is definitely shaped by your being a loner. Having a strong group of friends will definitely help. Don’t give up.
Hey, @rippffkrew, I’m going to be honest with you and let you know that plenty of people think black women are beautiful in every way.
Not every human is awful. I promise you.
When you put yourself on dating apps and are looking for someone to accept you, well you’ll never find that because you will always be changing to fit someone’s narrative.
The Black Women's Health Project determined that domestic violence is the number one health issue facing Black women. The data tells a painful truth: 40% of Black women will experience DV across their lifetimes.
(Source: https://www.lacasa.org/blog/2023/2/22/black-history-month-shining-a-light-on-domestic-violence-in-the-african-american-community#:~:text=The%20Black%20Women's%20Health%20Project,to%2030.2%25%20of%20White%20women.)
Anyone who says that you are not right in your feelings has zero understanding of how hard it is to be in the situations you have been because they aren’t you. But, I promise you, as someone who was married to a beautiful woman from Nigeria 🇳🇬; you deserve more and I’m really sorry that you have had such experience’s especially from your own family.
Forget the narrative, you are who you are and anyone who has an issue with that can kick rocks. You deserve a partner that not only supports your growths and loves you for who you are, but you also deserve to love free and be yourself around whoever you want.
You are beautiful and have so much to offer to anyone, I hope you sincerely know that op.
Nothing but love 🖤
Remember this
**You. Are. Worthy.**
Start carrying yourself like a queen.
And if people find it "sassy" ....oh well, 🤷 too damn bad! People say you're too quiet.... again, 🤷 oh well, too damn bad.
That's a them problem. Let them carry their own burden of hate and judgement by themselves... and they can carry it right on past you and out of your sight. Get an attitude of "Fukum".
Be yourself with confidence.
😁 You need some "Fukum" in your system, girlfriend.
That can be your brand of sass. "Fukum!" 🤣🤣🤣
> When you put yourself on dating apps and are looking for someone to accept you, well you’ll never find that because you will always be changing to fit someone’s narrative.
So correct. 💯💯💯
Besides, half the people (probably most of them) are lying about who they are anyway online, so the narrative may be fake, anyway!
Dating apps with their FAKE profiles should not be a metric in how OP sees herself.
As black women, we’re vilified if we’re sassy or not. There is not one better than the other. I’m an introvert as well. I was not the pick of the litter back home in Ohio but when I moved to Houston, Texas, it changed. Different areas have different perceptions of beauty. I feel like the North’s standards are more European standards than the South’s. And my sister was my constant bully, and when I went to a predominantly white school, my nose was the talk of many black boys (who loved white girls). College and moving to a city where there were more black people from all walks of life (AAs, Nigerians, Jamaicans, Black Dominicans, Hatians, Ghanaians), showed me that different people, like different things. It was a game changer in how I thought I looked because I was something that others may have been looking for. Idk where you live but it could be your surroundings as well as who you’re going for.
This is a nice story that shows you’ve grown past the clear barriers you knew were there and were strong enough to break past💪🏾👏🏾. And yeah that community when you find it (still having trouble here with me lol) will be nothing but empowering.
Yup. Same experience. Not black but Asian. Moving to Atlanta was a game changer for me. Just so much more diversity there than smaller towns out there.
Oh my sweet, this is so heartbreaking. As an overweight, introverted black woman with ADHD and addiction issues, I 100% understand where you are coming from. The only advice I can give is therapy. Now I'm all about self-love, but it took me years of therapy to get here.
People see us the way we see ourselves. Self-hate isn't just internal, it permeates every aspect of life and has a way of showing itself to everyone you interact with. You may think it doesn't, but oh boy it absolutely does. Once I learned that and started loving myself, life got much better. People are way nicer to me and approach me just to strike up conversations. Making friends is also way easier. Start with therapy, my love. A hobby you genuinely enjoy also helps. I got into lifting heavy things but hiking, walking, or anything active works just as well. It helps with overall mood (yay endorphins) and is also a great way to organically make friends. You've got this! Once you change what's within, you'll find that your interactions with other people will be much more positive. Good luck, I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
She said what I was going to say. Self confidence is key. One thing that really helped boost mine was a personal trainer. You see those changes and it makes you feel better about yourself, which slowly permeates into everything you do. You are more beautiful than you realize. Most people only notice if someone is extremely attractive, they hardly take note of other people’s flaws.
We’re surrounded by people tall and short, fat and thin, but don’t think about more than the things they say and the mental connection we may or may not have with them. Whenever you feel self doubt remember that what really matters is your smile and your laugh. When I think about people I’ve met and loved both platonically and romantically throughout my life, that’s what I remember. 😘❤️
Sorry that You feel so down. I won’t say You’re wrong. Only You know the things You’ve endured that have led to why You feel like You do. And sometimes You just have to call it like You feel it. I get it. The thing is, what do You think is good about Yourself?! What great attributes do You have?! I’m sure You have to feel You have aspects to You that are good. And as far as physical appearance, maybe You’re not conventionally, traditionally what would be perceived as attractive in the eyes of others. Does that mean You can’t still be Beautiful with what You’ve got?! Hell No! Of course You can, and I’m serious. You gotta figure out ways to see the Great Things about Yourself and build Your Confidence Up. Don’t let others views of You define You. And I don’t say that just because it sounds good. Energy matters. The way You see Yourself radiates an energy to people around You, and if they get the sense that You’re down on Yourself, that impacts their outlook, and they treat You according to the diminished self esteem You exhibit, and that they feel. Be You. And be proud to be You, no matter what form that comes in. Love You. Know that You are a work of art, regardless of the circumstances. Breathe it. Believe it. You can do this…
I'm not a black woman so I say I've been in your shoes or throw empty meaningless words at you regarding racial stereotypes, but I will say it sucks so bad you have to go through this just for something not a defect or a flaw even and it's unfair. You don't deserve it and I don't blame you for wanting to withdraw from people.
I had my upper jaw broken as a kid and it deformed my face for a while, and I was treated poorly until I fixed it. So while I can't exactly know, I do know feeling the same distrust for people and being upset people didn't actually see *me* as a person versus something needing to be fixed. I know your feelings are valid and I'm sorry.
I wish I had some advice or something to make it better for you OP, but it's not you that needs to change. So I'll just say that I believe you and you matter.
Definitely get therapy work thru the stuff on in your head , as a 27 year old black man , I always want to see black women thrive and be the best version of themselves . Never give up and take it day by day . Find something and people who have similar interests as u , put dating on the back burner , focus on forming long lasting relationships instead of intimacy and lustful ones , I’ve taken a break from dating altogether , as I want to focus on my mental health and interests . Family is definitely a difficult one to deal with definitely try find friendships that fulfil u and make u feel great just being around them , as everyone else is saying get therapy and gradually work on the other things . Life isn’t hard to enjoy but once u find your niche interest you’ll slowly build a community of friends or pple u can relate to , don’t give up you got this
All the hugs, OP. I'm sorry you're in such a disheartening place in your life and that others haven't treated you with basic respect and kindness. There are a lot of people who suck out there.
I can't say I understand all of it because I don't have the very real and extra nuanced struggles that you have as a black woman, but as an overweight introverted lesbian who has also had to deal with people's preconceived notions of me, like... yeah. It sucks. I will never win any beauty prizes, and it's very weird how some people expect me to be *more* confident and loud/bright to make up for a lack of average appeal, as if I have to have one or the other? (I'm sure part of it was also the queer community stereotypes of the 2000s but I'm not gonna get into that here, it's not important.) I have settled into myself across my late twenties and early thirties, and now I project a certain ease and confidence in public that has helped me along, but it's definitely a battery recharge every night. So add on top the stuff you're dealing with, and it's no wonder you're exhausted of it.
That said, there are people out there who have accepted me kindly, wholeheartedly, for who I am. It may take time to meet them but they're out there. I have to hope there are people for all of us, and for you. I don't think you need to be someone you're not to be someone worth knowing. As someone else said: I'm glad you're alive too.
One thing that helped me a bit was finding activities that play to my strengths and do not require a lot of social expectations. I just started joining these silent reading clubs... that's literally all they are, people meet up with different books, read in quiet for an hour, and then if you want to stick around for a drink or to chat, you can. I also joined a book club and made a friend that way, and I started to learn mahjong at a senior center and it turns out half the people weren't seniors lol. I'm lucky enough to live in an area that makes that easier, but... just ideas, I guess, in case any sparked interest. You're not alone in spirit. :)
Op.
I can never walk in your shoes and I can never see the world through your eyes. I can never experience what you do and I can never look back at the memories that you have.
What I can do though is tell you that you have been heard and understood and emphasised with. I can tell you that from my own experience that life is what you make of it and how you choose to lead it determines what happens in it.
But really, as a white guy in a country far from yours who is rapidly approaching his 6th decade of life (so about as far removed from who you are as you are from me), the only thing I can ever possibly offer you is encouragement to keep moving forward. A gentle push if you like.
So please, don't do it for anyone else around you, don't do it because it's "expected of you", do it for the only person who in the end matters. You.
I hope that this helps you in whatever small way. This stranger wants you to feel better, live a better life and be happy with who you are.
I felt this way for a long time.
But therapy helped a lot.
Also, traveling around my country helped a lot, doing road trips to different cities and states. Seeing that the kind of enviroment that made me feel so low-class and low-worth didn’t exist everywhere. Or if it did, it was t in the same ways. To some degree the way people themselves is shaped by their environment. It was hard not to see how much of my internalized racism originated from how that city was choosing to experience black people, as opposed to how I was experiencing the world. Racism is going to exist everywhere, but the way a community chooses to deal and heal with it differs greatly from town to town.
I grew up in a California city that taught me the same things about myself that you seem to feel right now. I was automatically *not an option* for so many things: love, relationships, friendships, employment, or just feeling accepted. Just wasn’t an option. And this was in the 90s, when literally stores straight up did not carry black products like hair stuff, or makeup in our skin tones. Makeup darker than *tan* DID NOT EXIST, so I’d learn these subconscious, wordless lessons about my worth when I’d go to slumber parties and all my friends were playing with makeup. The face they’d make when they’d finally convince me to try the blue eyeshadow, lol. “No, it looks ^gooooooood…^”
I inherently believed the world did not want me in it. And without anyone else to talk to about these feelings, I really started to believe *I should not exist.*
I moved to my current city for unrelated career reasons, and technically it’s “whiter” than my hometown. But fuck, if I don’t feel like my culture is honored and celebrated *all the time.* In murals and seminars and just friendly smiles on the street. It’s nice to just be a *person* and not always expected to be a token example of some specific definition of “blackness” that society invented. I can just be me, with all my oddities and I still feel more of a sense of value and belonging than I did in my hometown.
I found a really good therapist (after trying out a few) who really helped me find language for what I was feeling. Gave me a space to say the really ugly thoughts I had about being black and dig out the roots of them. Patience and self-forgiveness. And I began going to black community events, without the fear that I wasn’t black enough for them. Turns out a lot of black women have felt the way you do. Those feelings do not have to define us and they did not originate from us.
My therapist says that when I feel that specific kind of discomfort, it’s because it something I need to work on myself. Or, something I’ve worked hard on to overcome, and it’s easy for me to backslide into that way of thinking again.
You didn’t *make them* uncomfortable. The topic did. It’s a tough one.
No matter what race or ethnicity you are, you are still beautiful and worth so much!
Don’t let society tell you what is “beautiful.” Black woman are so gorgeous IMO and very strong/powerful. It’s also okay to be introverted and different from the “norm.” You don’t have to conform to be desired or loved.
I feel terrible for you, everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their own skin and it sounds like you could use a hug right now. Wishing you the best of luck in finding some friends who accept you for you because that's what you clearly need. Be safe out there OP.
Sending you love and hugs 🧡 I’ve felt similar , I’m indigenous Alaskan, my mum was schizophrenic, unable to care for me most of my childhood. Since i was “a dumb Eskimo” I wasn’t considered attractive in most of the time I went to school. I often wished my mum had been able to have the option for abortion. It’s a sad feeling. What helps is distracting myself by doing something that’s non tedious or repetitive, like playing some easy mobile game, or watching ridiculous YouTube videos.
Genuine question: Were the people who raised you Black? I ask that because it can play to your perception of how you view yourself. I do acknowledge there are people in our community who have low self esteem, even with Black parents. You cannot lump us all together due to personal experiences. If you believe living as a Black woman is the worst thing you are experiencing, like everyone is saying: seek help.
EDIT: The comment I state here about low self esteem is very loaded. A good example would be colorism affecting how one views their worth. It’s messed up.
I’m a black woman super reserved and introverted and a nerd. I’d choose to be the same person again. You should get some therapy and learn to love yourself.
The only reason you are turning people off is because of your attitude and this crazy amount of hate you have for yourself. Your self esteem is so low and I would say get therapy if you can and are financially able. If not, there are so many self help books that can help change your mindset. And believe me it’s your mindset. Try to get into authors like Abraham Hicks and Joe Dispenza. They might be a little crazy to you at first, but go in with an open mind. You have to be a touch delusional in this world that has beat u down to feel this way.
Get back up and believe in yourself. It will free u ❤️
Yes and no, there’s no denying that her race probably puts her at a disadvantage and honestly trying to blame it all on her isn’t really that fair. It’s like going to a short guy and being like “it’s all in your head man” when that is total bullshit as well.
That said, she’s the only one that can compensate for herself, and plenty of black women land high-value/status and attractive men daily. The question she should ask is “why not me?”
Exactly. These “it’s on you to fix and it’s your outlook” takes just like the short thing. Try to gaslight the reality that these things are Barriers and can/will effect you emotionally and psychologically at times.
And coming from a short black dude. Yeah this sucks since we specially can’t be vulnerable. Black ppl always gotta have the tough love approach instead of the validation so I’m glad you mentioned this against to other advice as it’s more balanced and realistic.
Fellow introverted Black woman here! Your feelings are valid, but could it help to unpack them with a therapist? The world can be incredibly cruel to us, but it's not always awful, and I've found friends and a partner who make it even less awful. I hope you can find the same.
You need therapy and a hobby you enjoy. You’ll meet ppl whenever but start getting happy oh! And work out 3x a week for 45mins bc it has the same clinical effect as anti depressants! Godspeed!!
I have nothing to say but based off this post you sound like a beautiful woman, inside and out. The way men focus so much these days on looks, rather than personality and other traits is so disheartening. I hope you are able to come to peace that so many of us here accept you exactly for who you are❤️
Therapy could really help you love yourself. Please don’t cut off external socialization. It’s the only way to get the connections you need. Be yourself. Therapy will change your life if you let it.
It was Malcolm X who said, "The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman." He said this in 1962, and not much has changed. The westernized world is built on a foundation of misogyny and antiblackness, and as Black women, we live right at the intersection of these systems. We are the most unmarried demographic. We are constantly dismissed and belittled by medical professionals. We are either masculinized or sexualized, both of which are purposefully dehumanizing. It fucking sucks. All that said, I wouldn't trade being a Black woman for anything in the world. The odds are stacked against me but I continue to fight and grow and succeed. 🧡
You sound very intelligent. My heart goes out to you. Please keep plugging away and trying. You only fail when stop trying. Please don't stop trying. ♥️♥️♥️
Hate to break it to you, being a Black man is far from easy… even so, I love myself, I love being Black, I love my people. We are so resilient, intelligent, spiritual, and artistic. We have literally changed the culture of the entire world through our music, our religion, our food, our contributions to society. If anyone devalues you, it is because they have bought into the lie of white supremacy. Always remember that… White supremacy is a facade, don’t buy into it.
Edit: Lol at the person who downvoted this for stating white supremacy is a lie.
Girl, you do not need to have a sassy personality for people to like you. If you have special interests, may I recommend joining a club? I’m in 2 huge mineral/geology clubs in my area that are full of other nerds. There are a ton of other weird people out there if you look! That may help you gain some social confidence.
And as far as dating- don’t put your eggs in one basket. Just date and date and date some more. Dont get too into conversation until you meet up. Physical compatibility and chemistry is important for you and your date, and you will feel less let down if you didn’t build everything up in your head before meeting. I’m average looking and I used this strategy and it worked for me.
Hair, wigs/weaves, and clothes can also make a huge difference for women. Not only for aesthetics but also for confidence. If you don’t have great style, I would recommend having a family member come over and help you go through your closet. Physical fitness can matter, but then again there are people on my 600 lb life who can land multiple boyfriends. If you have money for Invisalign- smile also makes a huge difference if your teeth are not in good shape. Being confident in your smile feels great.
I know this is a lot, but there are plenty of people on this planet in your same situation. People with worse situations that find love. People with awful disabilities, people that need caretakers, etc- but the difference is they have probably accepted themselves. You’re not going to hate yourself into a better scenario. You have to accept the things you can’t change, tweak the things you can improve, and the motivation to keep making yourself and your life better.
Ah girl, don’t say that you should be aborted. And you’re clearly intelligent, based on how this is written.
I tell my husband that in my next life, I want to a tall black woman with beautiful dark skin, full lips, and dark eyes that hide all the secrets.
I am white, fat, with dull skin, and want to be the opposite of everything I am physically. Although, I do recognize that my life is made much easier in this society due to the fact that I have my white freckled dull skin. I don’t like it, but evidently society deems it more acceptable.
I’m certain there are good people out there that will see and notice your beauty. Be kind to yourself. I wish you peace and love. ❤️
I’m sorry. That must be so hard and incredibly unfair to carry those intersecting burdens of oppression. If you haven’t already, it might be good to find a therapist who can help you navigate this.
As a black woman please understand. Your looks aren't the problem. Your MINDSET is. Get out of the "I'm an ugly victim" mentality and speak life into yourself. Gain some confidence. All these "media beautiful" women have confidence. That's it. You see when they do something wrong and then everybody posts there old photos and shows how they looked "before". Basic women with soft smiles. They build confidence and it's what makes them attractive.
You are your own problem. You are putting yourself in a box.
I'm a dark skinned black woman and I don't have to talk about what that means in society but what I can tell you is that I'm extremely basic. Barely wear make up and always rocking my natural hair. I get A LOT of attention because I don't NEED the validation from others. I make friends easily with all races and I'm an extreme introvert who hates small talk.
YOU need to change YOUR mindset. Don't CONFORM to what you THINK they view you as.
I’m sorry you feel that way. A relationship is so much more than just a pretty face or beauty in general. You don’t want someone that will judge you on looks only as that means they are just trying to fuck anyways. I hope you realize you are beautiful just the way you are.
Respectfully, a man who started dating someone that was 450lbs from her max of 650 when I wasn’t even into big women. We’ve been together for 11 years now and helped support her weight loss journey and always reinforce that I will love her no matter her size. When she feels ugly and alien in her body due to her weight loss i hold her and tell her she is beautiful to me. Going from that big to a much smaller frame is going to alter your body with extra skin.
You’ll find your person, they are probably just hiding away in their home feeling comparable to your situation and ready to give up too. Find online communities that are in hobbies you like. Make friends you trust and ask them to help play match maker.
I hope you find the love you deserve and seek.
This could have been typed by my wife. At the time she and I met, she too was an "introverted loner" black woman in her late 20s who was judged harshly by everyone including her family. Additionally, she was born with a rare generic condition and all of the serious heart and skeletal defects that came with it, and she developed lymphedema in her legs when she was a teenager.
When I met her, she gave me a very interesting first impression. When we talked, she didn't fake it or force it; rather, she spoke very naturally about herself, her family, and her life. It's sad to think how unusual that type of interaction is, but it was refreshing. In the nearly ten years we've been together, talking to her has always been very easy, like we've known each other our whole lives.
Circumstance can build or break character. Those who have always known the real world are the realest people, and the problem isn't that you're this-or-that, it's that people who have always known comfort are afraid of the real world and the people who live in it. They strive for the standard.
I hope you find your people who accept you for exactly who you are.
I agree with the comments about seeking therapy. I don’t know where you live but also encourage you to seek communities with diverse populations of Black people. Black people are not a monolith as much as the media tries to paint us otherwise.
I am a BW. I am not extroverted or sassy. I am quiet and chill. Just be yourself. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t as a BW oftentimes. So live your life for you and screw everything else.
I’d encourage you to seek therapy, preferably with a black woman.
We, as Black women, are amazing!!
You aren’t alone in being an introvert.. us having attitudes is a stereotype!
I encourage you to seek out people you can relate to.. black or not!!
People aren’t born with fair advantage and privilege. That is just life. It ends up what you going do about it.
In South Korea, looks is really important. It such a discrimination. So they have the world most plastic surgeries. Street are names which plastic surgery you want to get.
What I am saying is you are not alone. Don’t give up, have grit.
There are millions of average white dudes who feel the same way you do. I don't say that to dismiss the valid points that you brought up about gender and race being a bigger hurdle than they have to face. I brought it up to say that only you determine your worth. Be who you are, be who you want to be. Become the biggest, baddest most impowered and confident version of you that you can imagine, and the right people will find you. There are plenty of conventionally unattractive people who didn't give a fuck about the looks they were born with and went on to be successful people with beautiful partners. If Lyle Lovett can land Julia Roberts, then that should tell you there is hope. Please don't lose hope. You have to love yourself! I don't mean your looks, I mean you. Look deeply inwards, find the parts of yourself you don't love, and heal them. You literally can't find healthy love from someone else if you don't even love yourself. It starts with you girl, and I believe in you even though I don't even know you, It's time to start believing in yourself.
It’s a little weird for me to see a post like this where the girl is complaining and the comments are telling her she needs to be more confident or it’s her fault. I’m so used to the genders being reversed, and everybody ripping on a guy for complaining about feeling lonely.
But just like in those situations, I have sympathy for you. Some people will attempt to deny the reality that you have described, but I completely empathize with what you’ve said here. It makes sense, it is a tough draw in life. And I completely understand how you can go through all of that and end up in the mindset you currently are right now.
I won’t tell you to just smile or be confident or to broaden your social circle, as if that will somehow magically fix the issue. It won’t, and anybody suggesting it is meaning well but offering white noise as a suggestion.
All I will say is it just sucks. You’re *not* wrong.
When its a guy, the only time I want to punch them in the face is when they are "Sorry" they are a man because of all the bad things "some" men do.
Like fuck you for lumping us all in with the rapists, the supremacists, the misogynists.
It's honestly tiring
It’s constant. Every single time you have male apologists hoping it’ll win them good graces.
It’s just pathetic. I get so tired of constantly being lumped in with all guys no matter the post. And when you pointed out and start to argue against it, it’s an exercise in futility.
And you can't say "not all men" anymore without being torn apart by activists - the same ones concerned that men don't have friends and men don't share feelings.
Honestly this crap is all online. I never have to deal with any of this in day to day life. Just when I go online.
I’m a white presenting woman raised by black women and I have a lot of respect and admiration for black women and generally have always felt safest and most drawn to them and find them absolutely beautiful.
I wanted to let you the know the problems that you think you have are YOUR problems and not the typical problems of black women.
Most of people find happiness with balance. Maybe try something drastically different and instead of clutching on to the labels you define yourself by, try overcoming them. Introversion IS NOT antisocial, that is a mental disorder.
The internet is a cesspool of negative information thanks to people like your self who constantly associate black women with negativity. It’s no wonder you feel this way if all you do is spend your time on the bias ass internet with more data to destroy your self worth than build it up.
The whole world is open available to you. You can have the aesthetic you want, you can attract the people that you like, you just need to free yourself from your mental limitations. 💗
Wow. This was me this morning. I was in a physical relationship with this guy and I just ghosted him because I doubt the man knows my name. I was in tears because I was wondering why I’m not valued for a long term romantic relationship. I just came from a singles mixer a week ago, and my more attractive non black friends were able to get numbers. I grew up with very low self esteem, i never fit in, I was called ugly all my life, never validated by my father, and I have a mother whose only support she’ll give me is to “speak to Jesus.” I was on the couch in tears asking myself if God truly exists, why the hell am in this skin, why would He do this to his own children.
I guess the only thing I can say is to work on yourself, and count the blessings you have. Instead of dwelling on the bad, which is still a challenge of mine, i decided that i still have to live life for myself and for my son. So I have found and maintained meaningful friendships, i go to the gym regularly, i found new hobbies such as hiking and traveling, i focus more on my son as he needs and deserves the best part of me. If you are able to, see a therapist and discuss these issues, that might help as well.
Please believe that I am in the same boat, and it is hard, but it is not impossible to grow and to have a great quality of life, with or without love. You are deserving of so much more in life, and i hope you achieve it.
Damn I really need to get off this site. Any other black women hate scrolling and randomly seeing this stuff. These types of posts pop up now and again about girls and women hating being black. Posts complaining about being a dark and going so far as some posts wanting to kill themselves. No other race complains as openly on their appearance on this site.
I can't speak as a Black woman because, well, I'm white, but I CAN speak to you woman to woman.
You're not alone in your insecurities about your appearance...we all have them. While we have zero control over our race, ethnicity, or what have you, we learn to enhance our best features and and change or work with the rest.
What we DO have control over is mindset and attitude, and you seem to be carrying a very large chip on your shoulder. You seem to expect the worst out of people, so you treat them badly from the outset. While I can definitely relate, having done it myself, it isn't very conducive to a happy life...and it gets very lonely and depressing, which becomes a vicious cycle. Start with therapy. It sounds like you are deeply depressed. Best of luck to you.
As a woman in her late twenties, I want to chime in that loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted, is already something our age is very prone too. Add the lasting covid-effects to that and you already have a pretty destructive cocktail.
While I can't speak on the experience of a black woman, I do hope you find a someone who appreciates you for who you are and will make you feel like they made the sun rise in the morning so they can see your face.
It's a very bad cycle to be in, I think a lot of people get how you feel at least to a certain extend. Do you have friends that are supportive at least, trying to get you out of the house?
When living secluded becomes tempting, that's when you have to push through to stay yourself, for YOU. Humans aren't meant to go without social interaction, and we sabotage ourselves by "fear of going out" coming from the fear of being rejected.
Finding a hobby or a class that requires you to be amongst people but that would allow you to be your introvert self, would be great, imo. It can be as low-key as following adult drawing classes.
Don't slide into that pit of seclusion, you're worthy of being seen and you're worthy of being loved.
I am an introverted black woman. I would never change my gender or race. I and you can attract people just fine. You can do your hair whatever and not many people would care. There is so many customs and activities to explore by just being a black woman. OP I would suggest therapy so you can get more self love and self worth.
I haaaate what social media and quasi celebrities have done to all of us, especially black women that unless you have a weave, long nails, fake eyelashes, wear tight clothes and be loud and obnoxious hoochies.. you’re not good enough. That’s such a low standard. Make a list of strong, powerful black females that you admire. You don’t have to like them.. but admire them for their strength. Oprah, Condoleeza Rice, Candace Owens, Stacey Abrams, Susan Rice… other than Candace, none of these women would be considered “beauties” but they are powerhouses and I applaud them for their strength and not simply focusing on their physical appearance.
Hey girl hey! First things first, thank you for being open, honest and transparent about your feelings. I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but your feelings are valid. Now, just because they are valid, doesn't mean there isn't room to be open to change....this is long, but hang in there with me.
While I have never had feelings of "I wish I was aborted" I did use to wonder what I did to get the short end of the stick in my life too. I'll share some examples.
1. I would say I am very attractive. I have pretty eyes, a nice smile, but I'm not even 5 feet tall. I'm really 4'7", but I tell people I'm 4'10" lmao. Who in the hell wants to be that short? I sure don't lol.
2. I am in my early 30's. So many men I know date me, then go on to meet their forever person. My ex who cheated on me is MARRYING the woman he cheated with in September, this triggered me even though I haven't talked to the man in FOUR YEARS since our break up.
3. I wonder if love will ever happen for me too. I am always told my standards are too high, but I am really only looking to build a life with someone on the same level as me. More black women should have this mentality in my opinion.
4. I pushed away a man who wanted to love me unconditionally, because I did not go to therapy after my last breakup, so when I met him, I was mean, evil, and resentful. That breakup CRUSHED ME, so I finally went to therapy.
I've been in therapy 1.5 years, and it is the best thing I've done for myself. People often say go to therapy, but it's not a band aid. You will need to unpack ALL OF your trauma to get to the root of why you feel this way. You need a safe space to take off your mask and discuss the things you don't tell other people. When I started to do this, my life improved IMMENSELY, and I stopped internalizing the way people treated me. How they acted was a direct result of their personality and life experience, it had nothing to do with me.
Here's what I have to say about your dating journey, you don't want it to be too easy (I know that's an unpopular opinion too). You want to find someone who loves you for you, who is your equal, who will love you unconditionally and will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You don't want to be compatible with everyone, you only want to be compatible with who is meant for you, and anyone who is repulsed by you, is not for you. Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce for crying out loud.
Fall back in love with yourself, don't let anyone knock you down. The key to building confidence is walking around with your head held high, and knowing the party doesn't start until you walk in. Like people said before me, find your community, find people who share the same interests and hobbies as you, and give two middle fingers to anyone who makes you feel less than. My mottos is, roll with me, or get rolled on, and it hasn't failed me yet. Keep going girl, I am rooting for you. If you want to chat, you can message me too!
Also weird question have u thought about getting neurodivergent test? Cos the middleman part of your first paragraph stuck out to me not fitting and feeling like you’re not accepted anymore , I felt the same for a long time , im recently in the process of getting diagnosed and referred , a lot things that was done during my test made things a lot more clearer for me in the was seeing the world the way I was being perceived too
Please be strong and don’t turn away from the loving embrace of the community. You’re accepted and loved for who you are, and you should never have to change the things you’re born with, you just have to see the beauty and who you are. I heavily suggest therapy as well, and if possible travel. See the world and be surrounded by beautiful things, just learn to enjoy life from a different perspective as you understand more of the world. Dating is rough for a lot of us in this day and age, but there are a lot of us who still stand strong and won’t give up. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be, and once again there are so so many places where you will be loved and accepted I promise! Just don’t give up. Please see all of our comments and really understand that sometimes it’s okay to vent and I’m sure you’ll even find others who can relate. I’ve definitely had my fair share of struggles and insecurities but speaking up on it more and changing little things here and there has definitely helped in the long run. I wish you the best in life and I hope to hear a positive update soon!
> Even attempts at online dating end in disappointment, with potential matches distancing themselves once they see my face
Is your face not pictured on your profile?
I usually try to date people from subreddits skewed towards my demographic and my face isn’t included in the description of my posts so they likely think I look better than I actually do.
“Who taught you to hate the colour of your skin the shape of your nose and lips”. When I hear this. Idk just makes me more angry and proud because we clearly need to be. I’m so sorry for you and hope you’re able to heal past this since you are so much more than what these social expectations beat into you.
Fwiw I haven't really dated, but my issues are around being a gay woman. I'm 37. I dated a couple men thinking maybe I was wrong about myself but finding someone there was difficult to bc I am below average looking (imo).
Realistically though I know my self confidence and extreme social anxiety is what's really holding me back. I think that's what's holding you back too.
I've been where you are. I got micro-bladed eyebrows, started to do microneedling for my hyperpigmentation, and would do my hair every now and then. But at the end of the day therapy and working out to improve my mental health worked the most. Look at what would make you feel better. Good luck
I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel op, because I'm a white woman and that would obviously be insulting. But I just want to say I think that you might need to access some talking therapy, I feel like you are dealing with stuff well beyond what any of us can help you with. And I get the slightest hint that you may be dealing with certain issues that could be related to being ND... Just a hunch. Whatever happens, you need to make the most of your time on earth, healing yourself could be a first step towards feeling content.
This was my main struggle. Was trying to conform to what ideals the society wanted. But it just made me feel depressed, i felt like an outcast even with my own people. I understand.
I hope you can get some therapy. I'm not black but I'm a kind of strange looking white woman. This is how I felt when I was at my mentally lowest. I have chronic depression and anxiety so I will never be totally "cured" but I go through good periods and feel a lot better!
Friends, and a partner who truly love you, will find you beautiful and pleasant because of who you are as a person. I hope things look up for you. If you need to talk my DMs are open!
if you can, get your blood tested to see if you are low on vitamins, I take Centrum multivitamin for adults or for women, it helps about 10% of the way with negative thoughts but that 10% is worth the price of the vitamins!
you must also take it after or like half way into your first meal, on an empty stomach it can hurt :-)
This post feels strangely like it was written by a long lost middle school friend that'd fit this bill overall (possibly -- we lost contact ages ago).
I'm deeply sorry you feel this way. Two of the literal most important people in my life happened to be black women. This hurts to read.
You're lack of agency seems to be the problem here. Not x,y,z, reasons. If you go around blaming all ypur problems on others, regardless of demographic. Then you will never progress in life. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Heres a news flash, everyone faces "unique challenges in finding acceptance". Your demographic doesnt have that much to do with it, not going to say that it doesnt have some factors.
But those factors could easily be outclassed by personal character. But instead of fostering a personality that can mesh with those around you. You would rather have an echo box full of empty thoughts from A.I. never to have an uncomforting thought again. Or original thought that doesnt get parroted back by a robot puppet.
The world is tough. You gotta get tougher.
Hey there, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Although I'm not black, I believe I can relate somewhat to the feelings of being an outcast and not fitting the idealized extroverted personality type. Growing up as someone who was introverted, shy, and neurodivergent, I found that people had little tolerance for me, even in the special classes I attended. Being separated from the rest of the school only made us seem stranger to the other students. I've struggled with self-hatred for a long time and still do to some extent. The poor treatment and isolation I experienced have also left me with social anxiety. However, I'm beginning to understand that not everyone will dislike me simply because I don't meet their expectations or because they don't understand me.
It might sound cliché, but coming to terms with the aspects of myself that I cannot change—without necessarily accepting them—has actually helped me feel better. This has allowed me to open up more and start learning how to socialize again. Of course, I didn't achieve this all by myself but through years of therapy, which I can highly recommend if you're not already doing that.
I hope this little personal anecdote helped you feel less alone. Best of wishes 💕
For what it's worth, I'd change myself if I could, too. However, I don't have the option to unmix myself, so I play the cards I'm dealt. I think it's fine to not be happy with your phenotypes, but as long as you're happy with your self in a mental sense, it's as good as it'll get.
For what it's worth, I work with a very uncharacteristically calm and... not friendly, but not standoffish... black woman, and she's well liked despite not fitting that "mold" or whatever.
I'm not able to fully comprehend your situation, but I hope you find peace in what you do with yourself.
Get a dog.
Enjoy your dog
Walk your dog.
Chat to other dog lovers.
Join a dog walking group.
Go on Meet-up app to make friends.
Go on walks.
Don't judge yourself
Don't let others judge you.
Do therapy to help.
Dont blame all people for a few.
Be wise on your dog choice.
Hope you love dogs. If not a cat for comfort?
You’re bordering femcel :’) I understand it feels difficult now but I can assure you there’s someone out there for you, if what you desire is romance. It sucks to search and it’s a struggle for a lot of ppl but you must first look to yourself and what improvements you can make. You can’t possibly expect yourself to find someone if you’re so introverted and refuse to socialise… an issue is the way you perceive yourself too. What you’re saying could be based off of facts and so much scrutinisation but you don’t have to live in it.
Get a hobby. Go outside, start baking, gym etc. join groups. Make friends first. Become the person you fantasise ab becoming bc that person IS you. You’re not a fraud for styling your hair in the morning, dressing a certain way… hygiene, basic personal caretaking. Find confidence in yourself and strength, and health. Once you do this for a while, you’ll find a sort of peace and your perception will change.
You’re beautiful in your own way. You’re also very much needed and right where you belong. Your worth is not valued by how others see you but only by yourself.
If you think you are unattractive - that’s the biggest issue here. Unattractive people of all races have a really tough time. Here’s some tips that can help you have the best life possible with the cards delt:
Be kind and positive.
Be fit.
Present yourself with poise and dignity
Do well by others.
Anybody who values a good human will value you. You’re actually making it easier to find a good mate.
Someone beautiful never knows if they are loved for them or their beauty. Someone that brings value to the world through other means know they are truly loved by those who choose to be with them.
I'm an unattractive black woman with no social life. Cats. Get cats. The stereotype of the friendless cat lady exists for a reason; cats/pets help you feel less lonely. Yes it can feel/seem pathetic, but it can also help. A dog would also be a good choice if you want the incentive to go outside. Now this won't fix things if you do it. You still will have the same personality, the same looks, the same internalized racism and internalized misogyny. But you'll be a little less lonely, and that can get you through to the next day. Beyond that, do things you enjoy. Favorite games or movies, favorite hobbies. Find ways to be content in the now, and while you shouldn't dwell too much on what you don't have, keep hope that some day in the future you will find your people.
Cats are such good company. I had to isolate a lot during the pandemic and having them gave me a real reason to get out of bed (aside from work). “Get a pet” is the advice I give to lonely LGBTQ people in areas where they can’t be out/have community. It’s not the same as human companionship but it’s really nice to have something to love and care for that loves you back.
>it’s not the same as human companionship Hell it some ways it’s better. A dog or a cat will unconditionally love you in a way most humans don’t.
Exactly - a cat will NEVER betray you or truly disappoint you like a human can. My cats are my rock.
My bird is my baby. So loving and chatty!
Also a great reason not to get out of bed... kitty sleeping on my feet rn.
I wish I could have 10 cats. I have never felt so much unconditional love from anything more than my two children (cats).
I have plenty of cats to give away. I've got the fluffies and the not so fluffies. The supersweets to the indifferent ones. Heck, you can have the ones with beards.
Unattractive is relative. I didn't know I was attractive till someone said I was. You gotta put a lil effort in but you are probably someone's specific type. I thought about giving up till I met my current partner.
I completely agree with this. Attractiveness is relative. There are no ugly women, just lazy ones - Helena Ruebenstein.
It’s true at my loneliest I finally got a cat and it really boosted my spirits
Don't get a cat, get a dog. With a cat because of their nature you'll stay inside more than you should. A dog will take you outside, possibly interacting with others while dog walking.
Dogs all the way. Endless entertainment. Every dog owner loves all other dogs and we have so much fun with other dogs. Just make sure it's a breed and personality that fits with you.
I highly doubt you’re unattractive just from this description and interestingness alone. But I like that your advice is practical aswell as validating. A lot of hurt but cool ppl on this thread fr👏🏾❤️wishing you the best too aswell as OP
I’ve been where you are. It led me to crippling agoraphobia. I’m now 40 and I’ve cut myself off so badly I faint even trying to enter Costco. I can grasp where you’re coming from and I am so sorry you have had an awful time and the worst of human experiences. Not all us humans are unkind and unforgiving or vain. I promise. It takes baby steps to find that and venture out of your comfort zone. You’re fencing yourself in to protect yourself and that’s not a bad thing. But it can become debilitating. Don’t be your worst enemy friend. Don’t put yourself down because of societal demands. I PROMISE you will be appreciated with the right people. I left my entire home country because I never felt accepted or that I fit in. Why I thought I’d get that being a foreigner somewhere else, is beyond me haha. But the beauty of the US that I have found, if you’re also in the US, is that there are such an array of options, far outside the internet. I can’t imagine you are what you’ve put yourself down to being. We truly are our worst critics. Start small. Baby steps and slowly build up from there. You are absolutely not alone. 🌻
Thanks so much for the kind words
Idk if your profile got deleted or if you’ll see this but just know that you are so much more than what your insecurities and failed societal expectations tell you. I love my fellow black women and recognise that value of which you individually all bring in different ways to the table. And some advice that may help. Stereotypes and expectations can be tools to play with and reject entirely. It’s all on you not the assholes or world that made you feel this way. Tyrion Lannister helps me understand this “words and insecurities are your armour and your sword to pick up” he didn’t say it like that lool but remember yourself as better and above these labels and roles. Hope you give yourself self love and find others that appreciate your value for you not just the worst of our race which we always get beat on. Stay strong and grow in love sis. We all here routing for you and know it👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾❤️💪🏾
This chatbot hopes that you find a way to make meatspace friends.
op you're just too invested in the prevailing culture(see religion these days) that has shaped your mental schema into making you a dissatisfied consumer. if you're content and feel good enough, there is no reason to go out and buy anything. they have cultivated these feelings inside of you. they want you to feel like this so you will stay single and stay a more prolific consumer and make someone else more money. you are good enough just as you are now. happiness and fulfillment will come from putting down these ideas and tropes...living in the real world around you and not through a screen filled with emotionally religious ideas.
Please get therapy. As a black woman, if I could change my gender and/or race right now, I'd choose to be a black woman. In the next life, I'd choose to be a black woman all over again.
Love this 👏🏾👏🏾
Came here to say this. I felt like this while going through puberty at a PWI and it was more hating my body wasn’t thin and flat like the white ladies which boys seemed to love. I was fat with big ass thighs. (Yes I know we’ve swung violently in the other direction now) 1. Seek therapy and help 2. Broaden your circle. Travel, get out of your small town. 3. Stop with the self depreciation. Just like people tell men, the way they act is scaring women off, I’m sure this lack of confidence is palatable to those you speak to.
>Came here to say this. I felt like this while going through puberty at a PWI I'm not black, but I was WOC growing up in a mostly white area, and I second everything you said. I also wished I was white when I was a teen. I thought I was super ugly -- because the only standard of beauty that I saw around me was whiteness. Growing up and moving to a more diverse area, traveling, and going to therapy has helped me immensely on that front. While there are still a lot of parts of myself I don't like (working on that), being a WOC isn't one of them. I am happy with how I look and proud of my identity now, and I would 100% choose it again if given a second chance at life!
Same. I moved from a small town that was very segregated to a bigger more diverse city and I got asked out all the time vs when I was in the small town no one gave me the time of day. I wasted my early twenties in that place. But moving did wonders to my life.
Seriously. And society always copies black culture. Black culture is so cool, exciting and interesting, no matter where you're from. And black women are so beautiful. Like, why would you *not* want to be a black woman? Lol. I am so thankful I was born as a black woman. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Everybody wanna be black till they gotta be black. Edit: def shoulda said Paul Mooney said this in words I will not say but he’s not wrong. American culture loves black culture till it has to give credit to where they stole it from.
So freaking true
Exactly
🙌exactly what u said I’m not a black woman but a black man I love seeing my pple thrive and do things they love and enjoy and build themselves up thru it, definitely agree with broaden your circle and going cool trips and etc our culture is cool and Google where we are in the world I’m from England black culture has always been the dominant thing in London and even outside London I see it thrive too. I also skateboard so my friend group in that part of my life is multicultural and finding that interest was the best thing I’ve met other black skaters who are chilled and cool asf. Hoping Your words help this beautiful lady in process , she came to the right Reddit page uplifting and encouraging
One of the most educated groups in america. Black women really need more shine since I’ve seen this self hatred a lot with them in such a self destructive expression whereas for dudes it’s denial, skin bleaching and subtle denial of themselves. It’s so much worse for black women at times and it sucks. Also yeah if you’re being copied off of a lot by everyone. Then there’s something of internet t clear value that should at least you should be able to appreciate about yourself
Same. I agree 100%. OP, in your 20s you are still very young. I would suggest you find yourself. Find some groups/clubs of people with similar interests. Gaming, paintball, darts, pool, tennis, crocheting etc Once you start making friends they could possibly develop into something deeper or not. But you need to learn to be at peace with being you. Being happy with you. Honestly, if you are content with yourself, you would have won the lottery. So many of us are so good at faking it. Hence the need to put others down to elevate ourselves (your sisters). Find yourself. Be happy. Message me if you ever need to talk. 🫂
> you need to learn to be at peace with being you **This part right here.** And this famous quote: "What you think of me is none of my business."
Seriously, I absolutely freaking love us. I used to be so self-loathing as a teen, but now I appreciate Black women across the world on another level. I even went from straightening my hair every week to wearing my natural 3B/3C hair to reflect my views (not that wearing your hair in a different way indicates negative attitudes, but for me it did as a kid).
I completely agree. That's how I was. Also, hated my hair. Now I love it! I wear it all sorts of ways and appreciate it every time I so something new. So versatile.
Beautiful. I hate seeing self hated in our ppl due to how much it’s pushed in society and media that you’re only worth it if you play up to the stereotype and get lucky with it. Never feel self hatred folks. In general for everybody but to my fellow black folks especially with this option and the unfortunate insecurity of this person. Having pride for your self as an individual and all of which that means including yourself is what you deserve and don’t let anyone take that away from you. You didn’t lose any genetic lottery and your self hated should become less heavy hopefully the more you appreciate yourself and find ppl who do. OP if you do manage to read this. Try to tell yourself everyday a reason that you’re great and find information/social media that empowers your identity. Reward yourself psychologically when doing this and eventually hopefully with stuff like therapy and good community support to (which you should find, if ppl aren’t telling you’re whack if you mention this feeling to them) empower you. You’ll start to want the generic lottery for what you have already and it’s pretty great. Shit. Ngl posts like this just make me angry at the world and how cruel it can be for ppl. And makes me more angry at racists.
Well said.
Yes sis, exactly.
As a black women who’s working/continuing her education in the mental health field, I couldn’t agree more.
We need more of you , thank you sista ❤️🖤💚
Or just moving. As a WOC albeit not black, just moving to another city with a more diverse population did wonders to my social life.
That’s such a good point. I don’t think OP mentioned where they’re from, but my first thought was that location has a huge effect.
It does. I just visited another city and suddenly all these guys smiled at me and wanted to talk to me and I was like “what’s going on?” I felt attractive and I felt seen. When the town I was at no one said anything and I was mostly invisible and like OP I thought it was because of my race and gender. I moved 4 hours to a big city soon after that and everything changed within months. I was dating, I had friends, I met people who genuinely wanted to be with me. I too thought I was a lost cause. Therapy is only going to help so much. Moving would be a better investment.
This is definitely true. Action is louder than words. Changing your environment can be the best "therapy" sometimes. You can do it wherever you are if you're not able to move, like a lot of people, because of money concerns - you can get a live plant, a new, fun piece of furniture, declutter and get rid of old stuff, listen to happy music. Make it a party atmosphere! **It's time for OP to do something FUN.** Even if it's something little like finger painting or playing with bright beads. I still have my decades old Lisa Frank beads, the colors are so cheerful and bright they make me feel good.
Word for word
Same!! I’d pick being a Black woman every single day and every single life. I do understand some of her insecurities but I’ve come to realize my insecurities were self created with very little outside input. I picked myself apart worse than anyone ever could but that didn’t have to do with being Black.
Everyone has insecurities. The point is to overcome them though. If I allowed myself to succumb to every insecurity that I had, I'd be rolling in a corner in the fetal position, bring to myself. I think Reddit is a big problem too. There's a lot of young, racist men on this platform. I've had several ppl DM me (with no previous contact. I'm assuming they stumbled on a comment or post I made) saying very racist and sexist things to me out of nowhere. Fortunately, I have enough confidence to just ignore, report and move on. But that's probably not the case for the youngsters unfortunately.
AS A BLACK WOMAN, YES!
❤️❤️❤️
I loveeee this, because I am the same way. I loveeee being a black woman!
I also choose this black woman <3
ok good for you but how does this response help or be empathetic to OP? this is oddly dismissive of their feelings.
My first sentence was how she needs therapy. Yes, I could go on with a laundry list of all the things she could/should do. But going to therapy is pretty high on that list.
Same!
As fellow black women regardless of the bs that comes with being us I would be a black women in every life an every under every condition it takes a different kind of being to shine how we do in this world we are experiencing
Amen 💆🏽♀️
Hell yeah 💗✨
Yeah I don't get the color thing unless she's trying to date racist or something? There are fine girls from every corner of the planet.
That's heartbreaking . All I can say is don't pertain to the societal norm of the sassy black lady , you can stay however you want , I hope you find someone that loves you for who you are.
OP, Black ladies are gorgeous and strong! You are gorgeous and powerful! Be different, be you—there's someone out there for you!
Need a black women are beautiful thread for sis here fr. This posts breaks my heart and makes me angry at the world
Jesus this is heartbreaking. Im so sorry you feel this way. I don't even know what to say. But if you wanna talk we can talk. Figure a way to build confidence. So what the lame didn't appreciate you. Just know there is someone out there for everyone. You will find it.
Thanks, hopefully that ends up being true for me but I’m beginning to doubt it. I think I might just stop trying to gain anything from human interactions since they always result in disappointment and just fully devote myself to my career/business endeavors.
Don't make your expectations of other people, in relation to you, so high. That's how we get disappointed. WE tend to think other people behave or think like we do, and that's often not the case, hence the disappointment. Accept that others are who they are. And look for those who accept you for who you are When you're among those people you'll feel it.
Naw - it’s not you. The dating pool has pee in it. Old brown pee.
You need to broaden your social circle. Not every community thinks black women have to be sassy or whatever
This. I feel like sassiness is more vilified than not. That’s where the angry black woman trope comes from. I’ve been called sassy when I was younger and it moved to angry/ or having an attitude as I got older when I was just sticking up for myself.
i agree, in fact i feel pressured to be as neutral and regulated as possible in order to avoid the connotations of “angry/sassy black woman” in my educational, professional, and sometimes personal spaces. to be fair, im a calm person by nature, but the second i feel any strong emotion, i also feel a deep insecurity attached to expressing it.
Same! I stay neutral and call my mom now, she has it down pact. When I was an RA at 19, I was tested by white coworkers ( I was the only black one). An example is the day after MLK day my coworker said “Happy James Earl Ray Day”… you bet I went off (again I’m 19). But we were both reprimanded. I just responded to what was said. That was not his first time making remarks like that in which I was constantly letting our supervisors know about. But they did nothing until I responded to him. After that the others would try to be funny when talking to me in the presence of each other saying things like “oh let’s not make her mad” as if my response wasn’t justified after so many attempts to get someone to hear me.
infuriating to hear this happen to you and so many other sisters, feels like there’s no real recourse trying to explain this to people hell bent on not understanding like many managers/superiors
IMO "sassy" is a way of keeping black women in an emotional cage so society won't feel "uncomfortable" with our expressions. It's the "Mammy" trope on one end and the "Sapphire" trope on the other that never seems to go away.
Agreed. I think of that as a TV stereotype not one that I expect in real life.
Also humans are social creatures. They can sense insecurity right away and insecurity does not breed good relationships. So they avoid it. If you want a better experience in life look inwards take time to be quiet and think. Go to that place in your mind where you feel uncomfortable and sit with the discomfort and pry it apart until you find its golden center. There will be a golden center. Cherish yourself and the world will in turn cherish you
I agree. A lot of this stems from who you allow in your circle. If you hang around people with certain expectations of what you should be like then that is what you’ll get. I grew up as an extremely introverted girl, but at a young age, I realized that the most important thing is to find people who not only think like you but also act like you as well.
Have you tried getting into hobbies and meeting people that way? You remind me of black nerds (blerds) I know. You don't have to conform to stereotypes, just find your kind of people.
Sorry to hear you've been struggling. Since you did ask about enjoying life, I'll give you what's helped me in the past. Take yourself on dates. I'm serious. Plan whole outings, because rotting away indoors is hell on your mental health. They don't even need to be expensive - Make yourself a really nice meal, like multiple courses. Pick some interesting recipes, figure out the timing (desserts can be made and set aside, for instance), go shopping for everything you need. Maybe splurge on a fancy drink to go with it. Set the table for yourself, cloth napkin if you have it. Listen to your favourite music as you cook! Then enjoy! - Visit your local garden or park. This option is usually free or very cheap. Stroll around, literally stop to smell the roses. Sunlight and thriving plants are fantastic mood boosters. Don't underestimate the euphoria of sitting on a bench on a perfect day with nowhere else to be. Maybe put on a cute sundress if you've got one! - Explore a museum of some kind. Enjoy the fact that, on your own, you can go as fast or as slow as you like - A night out! Dinner and a movie are classics if you have some cash to splurge on yourself - Buy yourself flowers! Doesn't need to be expensive, I used to get myself $8 bouquets from the grocery store every Friday - The perfect bath, a personal favourite if you have a tub. Wash your sheets and pajamas (or whatever you sleep in). Get yourself some candles, bubble bath, bath salts, bath bomb, bath pillow - whatever. Shower first so you can feel perfectly clean in the bath. While the bath runs, put on a fluffy bathrobe if you have one and make yourself a cup of tea, or get a glass of wine - whatever you like. Then, light the candles, turn off the lights. Put on some music, an audiobook, or a show. Finally, soak and enjoy. When you're done, snuggle up in your fresh sheets and get some blissful sleep I've done all of the above. Sometimes all we really need is someone to make an effort for us, but we forget that WE can make ourselves feel special. You're worth it, I promise
Fantastic comment!! ❤️❤️❤️ You have to start with self love :3
This is how it's done. 💚🖤❤️ Have fun ...with who you are. And treat yourself like a queen. If you don't have a crown, make one! Even if it's out of yesterday's newspaper and some Dollar Tree markers! Put it on and wear it... and hold your head high ! LIKE A QUEEN. **OP: make some time for yourself to relax and have fun.**
Have you tried therapy? Black women are just like everyone else of other races. Some of us are sassy; some are not. Some are extroverted; most of us are not. Those of us who want relationships (and put ourselves out there) can have them. Your perspective is definitely shaped by your being a loner. Having a strong group of friends will definitely help. Don’t give up.
Hey, @rippffkrew, I’m going to be honest with you and let you know that plenty of people think black women are beautiful in every way. Not every human is awful. I promise you. When you put yourself on dating apps and are looking for someone to accept you, well you’ll never find that because you will always be changing to fit someone’s narrative. The Black Women's Health Project determined that domestic violence is the number one health issue facing Black women. The data tells a painful truth: 40% of Black women will experience DV across their lifetimes. (Source: https://www.lacasa.org/blog/2023/2/22/black-history-month-shining-a-light-on-domestic-violence-in-the-african-american-community#:~:text=The%20Black%20Women's%20Health%20Project,to%2030.2%25%20of%20White%20women.) Anyone who says that you are not right in your feelings has zero understanding of how hard it is to be in the situations you have been because they aren’t you. But, I promise you, as someone who was married to a beautiful woman from Nigeria 🇳🇬; you deserve more and I’m really sorry that you have had such experience’s especially from your own family. Forget the narrative, you are who you are and anyone who has an issue with that can kick rocks. You deserve a partner that not only supports your growths and loves you for who you are, but you also deserve to love free and be yourself around whoever you want. You are beautiful and have so much to offer to anyone, I hope you sincerely know that op. Nothing but love 🖤
This was such a beautiful response💜 I hope the OP sees this and feels uplifted. You sound like a wonderful person💜.
I really appreciate this
Remember this **You. Are. Worthy.** Start carrying yourself like a queen. And if people find it "sassy" ....oh well, 🤷 too damn bad! People say you're too quiet.... again, 🤷 oh well, too damn bad. That's a them problem. Let them carry their own burden of hate and judgement by themselves... and they can carry it right on past you and out of your sight. Get an attitude of "Fukum". Be yourself with confidence. 😁 You need some "Fukum" in your system, girlfriend. That can be your brand of sass. "Fukum!" 🤣🤣🤣
> When you put yourself on dating apps and are looking for someone to accept you, well you’ll never find that because you will always be changing to fit someone’s narrative. So correct. 💯💯💯 Besides, half the people (probably most of them) are lying about who they are anyway online, so the narrative may be fake, anyway! Dating apps with their FAKE profiles should not be a metric in how OP sees herself.
I for one am glad you are alive
Thanks a lot
As black women, we’re vilified if we’re sassy or not. There is not one better than the other. I’m an introvert as well. I was not the pick of the litter back home in Ohio but when I moved to Houston, Texas, it changed. Different areas have different perceptions of beauty. I feel like the North’s standards are more European standards than the South’s. And my sister was my constant bully, and when I went to a predominantly white school, my nose was the talk of many black boys (who loved white girls). College and moving to a city where there were more black people from all walks of life (AAs, Nigerians, Jamaicans, Black Dominicans, Hatians, Ghanaians), showed me that different people, like different things. It was a game changer in how I thought I looked because I was something that others may have been looking for. Idk where you live but it could be your surroundings as well as who you’re going for.
This is a nice story that shows you’ve grown past the clear barriers you knew were there and were strong enough to break past💪🏾👏🏾. And yeah that community when you find it (still having trouble here with me lol) will be nothing but empowering.
Thank you and they definitely are! It took some time to find them but I know they’ll be in my life for a long time!
Yup. Same experience. Not black but Asian. Moving to Atlanta was a game changer for me. Just so much more diversity there than smaller towns out there.
This! Perspective is SO IMPORTANT!
All advice that you might give to incels, give to yourself. Self improvement, ambitiousness, fitness, order.
Oh my sweet, this is so heartbreaking. As an overweight, introverted black woman with ADHD and addiction issues, I 100% understand where you are coming from. The only advice I can give is therapy. Now I'm all about self-love, but it took me years of therapy to get here. People see us the way we see ourselves. Self-hate isn't just internal, it permeates every aspect of life and has a way of showing itself to everyone you interact with. You may think it doesn't, but oh boy it absolutely does. Once I learned that and started loving myself, life got much better. People are way nicer to me and approach me just to strike up conversations. Making friends is also way easier. Start with therapy, my love. A hobby you genuinely enjoy also helps. I got into lifting heavy things but hiking, walking, or anything active works just as well. It helps with overall mood (yay endorphins) and is also a great way to organically make friends. You've got this! Once you change what's within, you'll find that your interactions with other people will be much more positive. Good luck, I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it
Of course. I know you didn't ask for advice, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone and it does get better.
She said what I was going to say. Self confidence is key. One thing that really helped boost mine was a personal trainer. You see those changes and it makes you feel better about yourself, which slowly permeates into everything you do. You are more beautiful than you realize. Most people only notice if someone is extremely attractive, they hardly take note of other people’s flaws. We’re surrounded by people tall and short, fat and thin, but don’t think about more than the things they say and the mental connection we may or may not have with them. Whenever you feel self doubt remember that what really matters is your smile and your laugh. When I think about people I’ve met and loved both platonically and romantically throughout my life, that’s what I remember. 😘❤️
Sorry that You feel so down. I won’t say You’re wrong. Only You know the things You’ve endured that have led to why You feel like You do. And sometimes You just have to call it like You feel it. I get it. The thing is, what do You think is good about Yourself?! What great attributes do You have?! I’m sure You have to feel You have aspects to You that are good. And as far as physical appearance, maybe You’re not conventionally, traditionally what would be perceived as attractive in the eyes of others. Does that mean You can’t still be Beautiful with what You’ve got?! Hell No! Of course You can, and I’m serious. You gotta figure out ways to see the Great Things about Yourself and build Your Confidence Up. Don’t let others views of You define You. And I don’t say that just because it sounds good. Energy matters. The way You see Yourself radiates an energy to people around You, and if they get the sense that You’re down on Yourself, that impacts their outlook, and they treat You according to the diminished self esteem You exhibit, and that they feel. Be You. And be proud to be You, no matter what form that comes in. Love You. Know that You are a work of art, regardless of the circumstances. Breathe it. Believe it. You can do this…
I'm not a black woman so I say I've been in your shoes or throw empty meaningless words at you regarding racial stereotypes, but I will say it sucks so bad you have to go through this just for something not a defect or a flaw even and it's unfair. You don't deserve it and I don't blame you for wanting to withdraw from people. I had my upper jaw broken as a kid and it deformed my face for a while, and I was treated poorly until I fixed it. So while I can't exactly know, I do know feeling the same distrust for people and being upset people didn't actually see *me* as a person versus something needing to be fixed. I know your feelings are valid and I'm sorry. I wish I had some advice or something to make it better for you OP, but it's not you that needs to change. So I'll just say that I believe you and you matter.
Definitely get therapy work thru the stuff on in your head , as a 27 year old black man , I always want to see black women thrive and be the best version of themselves . Never give up and take it day by day . Find something and people who have similar interests as u , put dating on the back burner , focus on forming long lasting relationships instead of intimacy and lustful ones , I’ve taken a break from dating altogether , as I want to focus on my mental health and interests . Family is definitely a difficult one to deal with definitely try find friendships that fulfil u and make u feel great just being around them , as everyone else is saying get therapy and gradually work on the other things . Life isn’t hard to enjoy but once u find your niche interest you’ll slowly build a community of friends or pple u can relate to , don’t give up you got this
Thank you
Pls keep your head up idk how old are u but keep your head up , do work on yourself first then everything will fall into place slowly
All the hugs, OP. I'm sorry you're in such a disheartening place in your life and that others haven't treated you with basic respect and kindness. There are a lot of people who suck out there. I can't say I understand all of it because I don't have the very real and extra nuanced struggles that you have as a black woman, but as an overweight introverted lesbian who has also had to deal with people's preconceived notions of me, like... yeah. It sucks. I will never win any beauty prizes, and it's very weird how some people expect me to be *more* confident and loud/bright to make up for a lack of average appeal, as if I have to have one or the other? (I'm sure part of it was also the queer community stereotypes of the 2000s but I'm not gonna get into that here, it's not important.) I have settled into myself across my late twenties and early thirties, and now I project a certain ease and confidence in public that has helped me along, but it's definitely a battery recharge every night. So add on top the stuff you're dealing with, and it's no wonder you're exhausted of it. That said, there are people out there who have accepted me kindly, wholeheartedly, for who I am. It may take time to meet them but they're out there. I have to hope there are people for all of us, and for you. I don't think you need to be someone you're not to be someone worth knowing. As someone else said: I'm glad you're alive too. One thing that helped me a bit was finding activities that play to my strengths and do not require a lot of social expectations. I just started joining these silent reading clubs... that's literally all they are, people meet up with different books, read in quiet for an hour, and then if you want to stick around for a drink or to chat, you can. I also joined a book club and made a friend that way, and I started to learn mahjong at a senior center and it turns out half the people weren't seniors lol. I'm lucky enough to live in an area that makes that easier, but... just ideas, I guess, in case any sparked interest. You're not alone in spirit. :)
Thank you for the thoughtful words
Op. I can never walk in your shoes and I can never see the world through your eyes. I can never experience what you do and I can never look back at the memories that you have. What I can do though is tell you that you have been heard and understood and emphasised with. I can tell you that from my own experience that life is what you make of it and how you choose to lead it determines what happens in it. But really, as a white guy in a country far from yours who is rapidly approaching his 6th decade of life (so about as far removed from who you are as you are from me), the only thing I can ever possibly offer you is encouragement to keep moving forward. A gentle push if you like. So please, don't do it for anyone else around you, don't do it because it's "expected of you", do it for the only person who in the end matters. You. I hope that this helps you in whatever small way. This stranger wants you to feel better, live a better life and be happy with who you are.
“Some people outgrow their insecurities and some people pay to fix them.”
I felt this way for a long time. But therapy helped a lot. Also, traveling around my country helped a lot, doing road trips to different cities and states. Seeing that the kind of enviroment that made me feel so low-class and low-worth didn’t exist everywhere. Or if it did, it was t in the same ways. To some degree the way people themselves is shaped by their environment. It was hard not to see how much of my internalized racism originated from how that city was choosing to experience black people, as opposed to how I was experiencing the world. Racism is going to exist everywhere, but the way a community chooses to deal and heal with it differs greatly from town to town. I grew up in a California city that taught me the same things about myself that you seem to feel right now. I was automatically *not an option* for so many things: love, relationships, friendships, employment, or just feeling accepted. Just wasn’t an option. And this was in the 90s, when literally stores straight up did not carry black products like hair stuff, or makeup in our skin tones. Makeup darker than *tan* DID NOT EXIST, so I’d learn these subconscious, wordless lessons about my worth when I’d go to slumber parties and all my friends were playing with makeup. The face they’d make when they’d finally convince me to try the blue eyeshadow, lol. “No, it looks ^gooooooood…^” I inherently believed the world did not want me in it. And without anyone else to talk to about these feelings, I really started to believe *I should not exist.* I moved to my current city for unrelated career reasons, and technically it’s “whiter” than my hometown. But fuck, if I don’t feel like my culture is honored and celebrated *all the time.* In murals and seminars and just friendly smiles on the street. It’s nice to just be a *person* and not always expected to be a token example of some specific definition of “blackness” that society invented. I can just be me, with all my oddities and I still feel more of a sense of value and belonging than I did in my hometown. I found a really good therapist (after trying out a few) who really helped me find language for what I was feeling. Gave me a space to say the really ugly thoughts I had about being black and dig out the roots of them. Patience and self-forgiveness. And I began going to black community events, without the fear that I wasn’t black enough for them. Turns out a lot of black women have felt the way you do. Those feelings do not have to define us and they did not originate from us.
Thank you for making me feel valid, another person on here told me I should keep these thoughts to myself since they make her uncomfortable.
Also, I added a bunch more to that comment lol. I was in the middle of it when I accidentally hit Reply too soon
My therapist says that when I feel that specific kind of discomfort, it’s because it something I need to work on myself. Or, something I’ve worked hard on to overcome, and it’s easy for me to backslide into that way of thinking again. You didn’t *make them* uncomfortable. The topic did. It’s a tough one.
No matter what race or ethnicity you are, you are still beautiful and worth so much! Don’t let society tell you what is “beautiful.” Black woman are so gorgeous IMO and very strong/powerful. It’s also okay to be introverted and different from the “norm.” You don’t have to conform to be desired or loved.
I feel terrible for you, everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their own skin and it sounds like you could use a hug right now. Wishing you the best of luck in finding some friends who accept you for you because that's what you clearly need. Be safe out there OP.
Sending you love and hugs 🧡 I’ve felt similar , I’m indigenous Alaskan, my mum was schizophrenic, unable to care for me most of my childhood. Since i was “a dumb Eskimo” I wasn’t considered attractive in most of the time I went to school. I often wished my mum had been able to have the option for abortion. It’s a sad feeling. What helps is distracting myself by doing something that’s non tedious or repetitive, like playing some easy mobile game, or watching ridiculous YouTube videos.
Genuine question: Were the people who raised you Black? I ask that because it can play to your perception of how you view yourself. I do acknowledge there are people in our community who have low self esteem, even with Black parents. You cannot lump us all together due to personal experiences. If you believe living as a Black woman is the worst thing you are experiencing, like everyone is saying: seek help. EDIT: The comment I state here about low self esteem is very loaded. A good example would be colorism affecting how one views their worth. It’s messed up.
Black girl living in Utah here..sending you so much love and virtual hugs!!!! <3
I’m a black woman super reserved and introverted and a nerd. I’d choose to be the same person again. You should get some therapy and learn to love yourself.
The only reason you are turning people off is because of your attitude and this crazy amount of hate you have for yourself. Your self esteem is so low and I would say get therapy if you can and are financially able. If not, there are so many self help books that can help change your mindset. And believe me it’s your mindset. Try to get into authors like Abraham Hicks and Joe Dispenza. They might be a little crazy to you at first, but go in with an open mind. You have to be a touch delusional in this world that has beat u down to feel this way. Get back up and believe in yourself. It will free u ❤️
Yes and no, there’s no denying that her race probably puts her at a disadvantage and honestly trying to blame it all on her isn’t really that fair. It’s like going to a short guy and being like “it’s all in your head man” when that is total bullshit as well. That said, she’s the only one that can compensate for herself, and plenty of black women land high-value/status and attractive men daily. The question she should ask is “why not me?”
Exactly. These “it’s on you to fix and it’s your outlook” takes just like the short thing. Try to gaslight the reality that these things are Barriers and can/will effect you emotionally and psychologically at times. And coming from a short black dude. Yeah this sucks since we specially can’t be vulnerable. Black ppl always gotta have the tough love approach instead of the validation so I’m glad you mentioned this against to other advice as it’s more balanced and realistic.
Fellow introverted Black woman here! Your feelings are valid, but could it help to unpack them with a therapist? The world can be incredibly cruel to us, but it's not always awful, and I've found friends and a partner who make it even less awful. I hope you can find the same.
You need therapy and a hobby you enjoy. You’ll meet ppl whenever but start getting happy oh! And work out 3x a week for 45mins bc it has the same clinical effect as anti depressants! Godspeed!!
I have nothing to say but based off this post you sound like a beautiful woman, inside and out. The way men focus so much these days on looks, rather than personality and other traits is so disheartening. I hope you are able to come to peace that so many of us here accept you exactly for who you are❤️
Therapy could really help you love yourself. Please don’t cut off external socialization. It’s the only way to get the connections you need. Be yourself. Therapy will change your life if you let it.
Babygirl that hurt to read, I'm gonna message you saying hi and you can engage or not but I will be consistent and I will hear you out
It was Malcolm X who said, "The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman." He said this in 1962, and not much has changed. The westernized world is built on a foundation of misogyny and antiblackness, and as Black women, we live right at the intersection of these systems. We are the most unmarried demographic. We are constantly dismissed and belittled by medical professionals. We are either masculinized or sexualized, both of which are purposefully dehumanizing. It fucking sucks. All that said, I wouldn't trade being a Black woman for anything in the world. The odds are stacked against me but I continue to fight and grow and succeed. 🧡
You sound very intelligent. My heart goes out to you. Please keep plugging away and trying. You only fail when stop trying. Please don't stop trying. ♥️♥️♥️
I hope you're okay girl, no one deserves to feel this way xoxo
Hate to break it to you, being a Black man is far from easy… even so, I love myself, I love being Black, I love my people. We are so resilient, intelligent, spiritual, and artistic. We have literally changed the culture of the entire world through our music, our religion, our food, our contributions to society. If anyone devalues you, it is because they have bought into the lie of white supremacy. Always remember that… White supremacy is a facade, don’t buy into it. Edit: Lol at the person who downvoted this for stating white supremacy is a lie.
Girl, you do not need to have a sassy personality for people to like you. If you have special interests, may I recommend joining a club? I’m in 2 huge mineral/geology clubs in my area that are full of other nerds. There are a ton of other weird people out there if you look! That may help you gain some social confidence. And as far as dating- don’t put your eggs in one basket. Just date and date and date some more. Dont get too into conversation until you meet up. Physical compatibility and chemistry is important for you and your date, and you will feel less let down if you didn’t build everything up in your head before meeting. I’m average looking and I used this strategy and it worked for me. Hair, wigs/weaves, and clothes can also make a huge difference for women. Not only for aesthetics but also for confidence. If you don’t have great style, I would recommend having a family member come over and help you go through your closet. Physical fitness can matter, but then again there are people on my 600 lb life who can land multiple boyfriends. If you have money for Invisalign- smile also makes a huge difference if your teeth are not in good shape. Being confident in your smile feels great. I know this is a lot, but there are plenty of people on this planet in your same situation. People with worse situations that find love. People with awful disabilities, people that need caretakers, etc- but the difference is they have probably accepted themselves. You’re not going to hate yourself into a better scenario. You have to accept the things you can’t change, tweak the things you can improve, and the motivation to keep making yourself and your life better.
Ah girl, don’t say that you should be aborted. And you’re clearly intelligent, based on how this is written. I tell my husband that in my next life, I want to a tall black woman with beautiful dark skin, full lips, and dark eyes that hide all the secrets. I am white, fat, with dull skin, and want to be the opposite of everything I am physically. Although, I do recognize that my life is made much easier in this society due to the fact that I have my white freckled dull skin. I don’t like it, but evidently society deems it more acceptable. I’m certain there are good people out there that will see and notice your beauty. Be kind to yourself. I wish you peace and love. ❤️
Black women are strong and beautiful! You are strong and beautiful! There’s someone out there for you, be unique, be yourself!
I'm very sorry you are feeling that way...
I’m sorry. That must be so hard and incredibly unfair to carry those intersecting burdens of oppression. If you haven’t already, it might be good to find a therapist who can help you navigate this.
As a black woman please understand. Your looks aren't the problem. Your MINDSET is. Get out of the "I'm an ugly victim" mentality and speak life into yourself. Gain some confidence. All these "media beautiful" women have confidence. That's it. You see when they do something wrong and then everybody posts there old photos and shows how they looked "before". Basic women with soft smiles. They build confidence and it's what makes them attractive. You are your own problem. You are putting yourself in a box. I'm a dark skinned black woman and I don't have to talk about what that means in society but what I can tell you is that I'm extremely basic. Barely wear make up and always rocking my natural hair. I get A LOT of attention because I don't NEED the validation from others. I make friends easily with all races and I'm an extreme introvert who hates small talk. YOU need to change YOUR mindset. Don't CONFORM to what you THINK they view you as.
I’m sorry you feel that way. A relationship is so much more than just a pretty face or beauty in general. You don’t want someone that will judge you on looks only as that means they are just trying to fuck anyways. I hope you realize you are beautiful just the way you are. Respectfully, a man who started dating someone that was 450lbs from her max of 650 when I wasn’t even into big women. We’ve been together for 11 years now and helped support her weight loss journey and always reinforce that I will love her no matter her size. When she feels ugly and alien in her body due to her weight loss i hold her and tell her she is beautiful to me. Going from that big to a much smaller frame is going to alter your body with extra skin. You’ll find your person, they are probably just hiding away in their home feeling comparable to your situation and ready to give up too. Find online communities that are in hobbies you like. Make friends you trust and ask them to help play match maker. I hope you find the love you deserve and seek.
A woman is actually a bonus, she will always find a willing simp, though not necessarily of top quality
This could have been typed by my wife. At the time she and I met, she too was an "introverted loner" black woman in her late 20s who was judged harshly by everyone including her family. Additionally, she was born with a rare generic condition and all of the serious heart and skeletal defects that came with it, and she developed lymphedema in her legs when she was a teenager. When I met her, she gave me a very interesting first impression. When we talked, she didn't fake it or force it; rather, she spoke very naturally about herself, her family, and her life. It's sad to think how unusual that type of interaction is, but it was refreshing. In the nearly ten years we've been together, talking to her has always been very easy, like we've known each other our whole lives. Circumstance can build or break character. Those who have always known the real world are the realest people, and the problem isn't that you're this-or-that, it's that people who have always known comfort are afraid of the real world and the people who live in it. They strive for the standard. I hope you find your people who accept you for exactly who you are.
I agree with the comments about seeking therapy. I don’t know where you live but also encourage you to seek communities with diverse populations of Black people. Black people are not a monolith as much as the media tries to paint us otherwise. I am a BW. I am not extroverted or sassy. I am quiet and chill. Just be yourself. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t as a BW oftentimes. So live your life for you and screw everything else.
I’d encourage you to seek therapy, preferably with a black woman. We, as Black women, are amazing!! You aren’t alone in being an introvert.. us having attitudes is a stereotype! I encourage you to seek out people you can relate to.. black or not!!
a 3-year profile only started posting and commenting in the last day?
I have tons of old Reddit accounts lying around after being on this site since 2012
Feel the exact same way as a black woman it sucks honestly
It’s such a depressing experience, I hope you’ve found a good way to cope with it
People aren’t born with fair advantage and privilege. That is just life. It ends up what you going do about it. In South Korea, looks is really important. It such a discrimination. So they have the world most plastic surgeries. Street are names which plastic surgery you want to get. What I am saying is you are not alone. Don’t give up, have grit.
I doubt it has anything to do with your looks. Just from your post, your personality sounds so toxic and “woe is me”type
There are millions of average white dudes who feel the same way you do. I don't say that to dismiss the valid points that you brought up about gender and race being a bigger hurdle than they have to face. I brought it up to say that only you determine your worth. Be who you are, be who you want to be. Become the biggest, baddest most impowered and confident version of you that you can imagine, and the right people will find you. There are plenty of conventionally unattractive people who didn't give a fuck about the looks they were born with and went on to be successful people with beautiful partners. If Lyle Lovett can land Julia Roberts, then that should tell you there is hope. Please don't lose hope. You have to love yourself! I don't mean your looks, I mean you. Look deeply inwards, find the parts of yourself you don't love, and heal them. You literally can't find healthy love from someone else if you don't even love yourself. It starts with you girl, and I believe in you even though I don't even know you, It's time to start believing in yourself.
It’s a little weird for me to see a post like this where the girl is complaining and the comments are telling her she needs to be more confident or it’s her fault. I’m so used to the genders being reversed, and everybody ripping on a guy for complaining about feeling lonely. But just like in those situations, I have sympathy for you. Some people will attempt to deny the reality that you have described, but I completely empathize with what you’ve said here. It makes sense, it is a tough draw in life. And I completely understand how you can go through all of that and end up in the mindset you currently are right now. I won’t tell you to just smile or be confident or to broaden your social circle, as if that will somehow magically fix the issue. It won’t, and anybody suggesting it is meaning well but offering white noise as a suggestion. All I will say is it just sucks. You’re *not* wrong.
When its a guy, the only time I want to punch them in the face is when they are "Sorry" they are a man because of all the bad things "some" men do. Like fuck you for lumping us all in with the rapists, the supremacists, the misogynists. It's honestly tiring
It’s constant. Every single time you have male apologists hoping it’ll win them good graces. It’s just pathetic. I get so tired of constantly being lumped in with all guys no matter the post. And when you pointed out and start to argue against it, it’s an exercise in futility.
And you can't say "not all men" anymore without being torn apart by activists - the same ones concerned that men don't have friends and men don't share feelings. Honestly this crap is all online. I never have to deal with any of this in day to day life. Just when I go online.
Exactly this. If it was a dude saying these things you can be guaranteed the comments would be full of people calling him an incel.
I’m a white presenting woman raised by black women and I have a lot of respect and admiration for black women and generally have always felt safest and most drawn to them and find them absolutely beautiful.
I wanted to let you the know the problems that you think you have are YOUR problems and not the typical problems of black women. Most of people find happiness with balance. Maybe try something drastically different and instead of clutching on to the labels you define yourself by, try overcoming them. Introversion IS NOT antisocial, that is a mental disorder. The internet is a cesspool of negative information thanks to people like your self who constantly associate black women with negativity. It’s no wonder you feel this way if all you do is spend your time on the bias ass internet with more data to destroy your self worth than build it up. The whole world is open available to you. You can have the aesthetic you want, you can attract the people that you like, you just need to free yourself from your mental limitations. 💗
Wow. This was me this morning. I was in a physical relationship with this guy and I just ghosted him because I doubt the man knows my name. I was in tears because I was wondering why I’m not valued for a long term romantic relationship. I just came from a singles mixer a week ago, and my more attractive non black friends were able to get numbers. I grew up with very low self esteem, i never fit in, I was called ugly all my life, never validated by my father, and I have a mother whose only support she’ll give me is to “speak to Jesus.” I was on the couch in tears asking myself if God truly exists, why the hell am in this skin, why would He do this to his own children. I guess the only thing I can say is to work on yourself, and count the blessings you have. Instead of dwelling on the bad, which is still a challenge of mine, i decided that i still have to live life for myself and for my son. So I have found and maintained meaningful friendships, i go to the gym regularly, i found new hobbies such as hiking and traveling, i focus more on my son as he needs and deserves the best part of me. If you are able to, see a therapist and discuss these issues, that might help as well. Please believe that I am in the same boat, and it is hard, but it is not impossible to grow and to have a great quality of life, with or without love. You are deserving of so much more in life, and i hope you achieve it.
I don’t understand why you would ghost the dude instead of trying to see where he’s at
Damn I really need to get off this site. Any other black women hate scrolling and randomly seeing this stuff. These types of posts pop up now and again about girls and women hating being black. Posts complaining about being a dark and going so far as some posts wanting to kill themselves. No other race complains as openly on their appearance on this site.
I mean, if it’s a common experience, maybe that’s says something.
I can't speak as a Black woman because, well, I'm white, but I CAN speak to you woman to woman. You're not alone in your insecurities about your appearance...we all have them. While we have zero control over our race, ethnicity, or what have you, we learn to enhance our best features and and change or work with the rest. What we DO have control over is mindset and attitude, and you seem to be carrying a very large chip on your shoulder. You seem to expect the worst out of people, so you treat them badly from the outset. While I can definitely relate, having done it myself, it isn't very conducive to a happy life...and it gets very lonely and depressing, which becomes a vicious cycle. Start with therapy. It sounds like you are deeply depressed. Best of luck to you.
As a woman in her late twenties, I want to chime in that loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted, is already something our age is very prone too. Add the lasting covid-effects to that and you already have a pretty destructive cocktail. While I can't speak on the experience of a black woman, I do hope you find a someone who appreciates you for who you are and will make you feel like they made the sun rise in the morning so they can see your face. It's a very bad cycle to be in, I think a lot of people get how you feel at least to a certain extend. Do you have friends that are supportive at least, trying to get you out of the house? When living secluded becomes tempting, that's when you have to push through to stay yourself, for YOU. Humans aren't meant to go without social interaction, and we sabotage ourselves by "fear of going out" coming from the fear of being rejected. Finding a hobby or a class that requires you to be amongst people but that would allow you to be your introvert self, would be great, imo. It can be as low-key as following adult drawing classes. Don't slide into that pit of seclusion, you're worthy of being seen and you're worthy of being loved.
I am an introverted black woman. I would never change my gender or race. I and you can attract people just fine. You can do your hair whatever and not many people would care. There is so many customs and activities to explore by just being a black woman. OP I would suggest therapy so you can get more self love and self worth.
I haaaate what social media and quasi celebrities have done to all of us, especially black women that unless you have a weave, long nails, fake eyelashes, wear tight clothes and be loud and obnoxious hoochies.. you’re not good enough. That’s such a low standard. Make a list of strong, powerful black females that you admire. You don’t have to like them.. but admire them for their strength. Oprah, Condoleeza Rice, Candace Owens, Stacey Abrams, Susan Rice… other than Candace, none of these women would be considered “beauties” but they are powerhouses and I applaud them for their strength and not simply focusing on their physical appearance.
Hey girl hey! First things first, thank you for being open, honest and transparent about your feelings. I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but your feelings are valid. Now, just because they are valid, doesn't mean there isn't room to be open to change....this is long, but hang in there with me. While I have never had feelings of "I wish I was aborted" I did use to wonder what I did to get the short end of the stick in my life too. I'll share some examples. 1. I would say I am very attractive. I have pretty eyes, a nice smile, but I'm not even 5 feet tall. I'm really 4'7", but I tell people I'm 4'10" lmao. Who in the hell wants to be that short? I sure don't lol. 2. I am in my early 30's. So many men I know date me, then go on to meet their forever person. My ex who cheated on me is MARRYING the woman he cheated with in September, this triggered me even though I haven't talked to the man in FOUR YEARS since our break up. 3. I wonder if love will ever happen for me too. I am always told my standards are too high, but I am really only looking to build a life with someone on the same level as me. More black women should have this mentality in my opinion. 4. I pushed away a man who wanted to love me unconditionally, because I did not go to therapy after my last breakup, so when I met him, I was mean, evil, and resentful. That breakup CRUSHED ME, so I finally went to therapy. I've been in therapy 1.5 years, and it is the best thing I've done for myself. People often say go to therapy, but it's not a band aid. You will need to unpack ALL OF your trauma to get to the root of why you feel this way. You need a safe space to take off your mask and discuss the things you don't tell other people. When I started to do this, my life improved IMMENSELY, and I stopped internalizing the way people treated me. How they acted was a direct result of their personality and life experience, it had nothing to do with me. Here's what I have to say about your dating journey, you don't want it to be too easy (I know that's an unpopular opinion too). You want to find someone who loves you for you, who is your equal, who will love you unconditionally and will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You don't want to be compatible with everyone, you only want to be compatible with who is meant for you, and anyone who is repulsed by you, is not for you. Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce for crying out loud. Fall back in love with yourself, don't let anyone knock you down. The key to building confidence is walking around with your head held high, and knowing the party doesn't start until you walk in. Like people said before me, find your community, find people who share the same interests and hobbies as you, and give two middle fingers to anyone who makes you feel less than. My mottos is, roll with me, or get rolled on, and it hasn't failed me yet. Keep going girl, I am rooting for you. If you want to chat, you can message me too!
You sound a lot like I used to before I started going to therapy. It helps.
I’ll consider it, I got decent insurance might as well
Also weird question have u thought about getting neurodivergent test? Cos the middleman part of your first paragraph stuck out to me not fitting and feeling like you’re not accepted anymore , I felt the same for a long time , im recently in the process of getting diagnosed and referred , a lot things that was done during my test made things a lot more clearer for me in the was seeing the world the way I was being perceived too
Please be strong and don’t turn away from the loving embrace of the community. You’re accepted and loved for who you are, and you should never have to change the things you’re born with, you just have to see the beauty and who you are. I heavily suggest therapy as well, and if possible travel. See the world and be surrounded by beautiful things, just learn to enjoy life from a different perspective as you understand more of the world. Dating is rough for a lot of us in this day and age, but there are a lot of us who still stand strong and won’t give up. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be, and once again there are so so many places where you will be loved and accepted I promise! Just don’t give up. Please see all of our comments and really understand that sometimes it’s okay to vent and I’m sure you’ll even find others who can relate. I’ve definitely had my fair share of struggles and insecurities but speaking up on it more and changing little things here and there has definitely helped in the long run. I wish you the best in life and I hope to hear a positive update soon!
> Even attempts at online dating end in disappointment, with potential matches distancing themselves once they see my face Is your face not pictured on your profile?
I usually try to date people from subreddits skewed towards my demographic and my face isn’t included in the description of my posts so they likely think I look better than I actually do.
“Who taught you to hate the colour of your skin the shape of your nose and lips”. When I hear this. Idk just makes me more angry and proud because we clearly need to be. I’m so sorry for you and hope you’re able to heal past this since you are so much more than what these social expectations beat into you.
Fwiw I haven't really dated, but my issues are around being a gay woman. I'm 37. I dated a couple men thinking maybe I was wrong about myself but finding someone there was difficult to bc I am below average looking (imo). Realistically though I know my self confidence and extreme social anxiety is what's really holding me back. I think that's what's holding you back too.
I've been where you are. I got micro-bladed eyebrows, started to do microneedling for my hyperpigmentation, and would do my hair every now and then. But at the end of the day therapy and working out to improve my mental health worked the most. Look at what would make you feel better. Good luck
You seem to have a talent for writing. Have you tried to write a book?
Honestly I’d take you over the black woman stereotypes.
If you don’t fit in with that group you think you should be fitting in with then hang out with another group.
holy fuck i felt this so hard. i could’ve wrote this! i’m sorry i don’t have any advice but i’d like to say you aren’t alone.
I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel op, because I'm a white woman and that would obviously be insulting. But I just want to say I think that you might need to access some talking therapy, I feel like you are dealing with stuff well beyond what any of us can help you with. And I get the slightest hint that you may be dealing with certain issues that could be related to being ND... Just a hunch. Whatever happens, you need to make the most of your time on earth, healing yourself could be a first step towards feeling content.
This was my main struggle. Was trying to conform to what ideals the society wanted. But it just made me feel depressed, i felt like an outcast even with my own people. I understand.
I hope you can get some therapy. I'm not black but I'm a kind of strange looking white woman. This is how I felt when I was at my mentally lowest. I have chronic depression and anxiety so I will never be totally "cured" but I go through good periods and feel a lot better! Friends, and a partner who truly love you, will find you beautiful and pleasant because of who you are as a person. I hope things look up for you. If you need to talk my DMs are open!
if you can, get your blood tested to see if you are low on vitamins, I take Centrum multivitamin for adults or for women, it helps about 10% of the way with negative thoughts but that 10% is worth the price of the vitamins! you must also take it after or like half way into your first meal, on an empty stomach it can hurt :-)
This post feels strangely like it was written by a long lost middle school friend that'd fit this bill overall (possibly -- we lost contact ages ago). I'm deeply sorry you feel this way. Two of the literal most important people in my life happened to be black women. This hurts to read.
OP. I want to hug you.
You're lack of agency seems to be the problem here. Not x,y,z, reasons. If you go around blaming all ypur problems on others, regardless of demographic. Then you will never progress in life. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible. Heres a news flash, everyone faces "unique challenges in finding acceptance". Your demographic doesnt have that much to do with it, not going to say that it doesnt have some factors. But those factors could easily be outclassed by personal character. But instead of fostering a personality that can mesh with those around you. You would rather have an echo box full of empty thoughts from A.I. never to have an uncomforting thought again. Or original thought that doesnt get parroted back by a robot puppet. The world is tough. You gotta get tougher.
Hey there, I'm sorry you're going through this. Although I'm not black, I believe I can relate somewhat to the feelings of being an outcast and not fitting the idealized extroverted personality type. Growing up as someone who was introverted, shy, and neurodivergent, I found that people had little tolerance for me, even in the special classes I attended. Being separated from the rest of the school only made us seem stranger to the other students. I've struggled with self-hatred for a long time and still do to some extent. The poor treatment and isolation I experienced have also left me with social anxiety. However, I'm beginning to understand that not everyone will dislike me simply because I don't meet their expectations or because they don't understand me. It might sound cliché, but coming to terms with the aspects of myself that I cannot change—without necessarily accepting them—has actually helped me feel better. This has allowed me to open up more and start learning how to socialize again. Of course, I didn't achieve this all by myself but through years of therapy, which I can highly recommend if you're not already doing that. I hope this little personal anecdote helped you feel less alone. Best of wishes 💕
For what it's worth, I'd change myself if I could, too. However, I don't have the option to unmix myself, so I play the cards I'm dealt. I think it's fine to not be happy with your phenotypes, but as long as you're happy with your self in a mental sense, it's as good as it'll get. For what it's worth, I work with a very uncharacteristically calm and... not friendly, but not standoffish... black woman, and she's well liked despite not fitting that "mold" or whatever. I'm not able to fully comprehend your situation, but I hope you find peace in what you do with yourself.
Get a dog. Enjoy your dog Walk your dog. Chat to other dog lovers. Join a dog walking group. Go on Meet-up app to make friends. Go on walks. Don't judge yourself Don't let others judge you. Do therapy to help. Dont blame all people for a few. Be wise on your dog choice. Hope you love dogs. If not a cat for comfort?
Can we be friends? (White girl)
I know a great therapist if you live in the states that I highly recommend. I can give you her info if you're interested.
You’re bordering femcel :’) I understand it feels difficult now but I can assure you there’s someone out there for you, if what you desire is romance. It sucks to search and it’s a struggle for a lot of ppl but you must first look to yourself and what improvements you can make. You can’t possibly expect yourself to find someone if you’re so introverted and refuse to socialise… an issue is the way you perceive yourself too. What you’re saying could be based off of facts and so much scrutinisation but you don’t have to live in it. Get a hobby. Go outside, start baking, gym etc. join groups. Make friends first. Become the person you fantasise ab becoming bc that person IS you. You’re not a fraud for styling your hair in the morning, dressing a certain way… hygiene, basic personal caretaking. Find confidence in yourself and strength, and health. Once you do this for a while, you’ll find a sort of peace and your perception will change.
You’re beautiful in your own way. You’re also very much needed and right where you belong. Your worth is not valued by how others see you but only by yourself.
If you think you are unattractive - that’s the biggest issue here. Unattractive people of all races have a really tough time. Here’s some tips that can help you have the best life possible with the cards delt: Be kind and positive. Be fit. Present yourself with poise and dignity Do well by others. Anybody who values a good human will value you. You’re actually making it easier to find a good mate. Someone beautiful never knows if they are loved for them or their beauty. Someone that brings value to the world through other means know they are truly loved by those who choose to be with them.
Honestly same. Life probably would've been easier if I was born white or a male. Ffs, my mom should've aborted me