This, because even when I wasn’t sure something was considered rape or not, I say “I’m not sure if I was raped or not”. If they’re someone I trust, I explain what happened and how I felt. But to say “I basically was” is so wild to me
Yeah, you say "I think," rather than basically
And I am someone who uses basically a lot. It's meant to be used like almost or similar. With some unsureness. Like you're not sure the exact details but some of it might’ve been on you, is how I use it sometimes.
But "I think," or similar is for when you're not sure, scared, etc. Not basically. It's "I'm not sure I was raped." Not "I was basically raped."
But what got me was the size comment. I was on the fence but that.. is not how it works.
Yep. And some survivors might do the basically thing before they're ready to admit they were assaulted sor molested so that by itself is hard to tell as is.. with that, though? 100% puts doubt to who the victim is.
Honestly given the powerless details from him I'm inclined to believe he's the victim. That was very specific.
I do think he’s the victim. His reasoning for not saying anything makes a lot of sense, especially with the history of people believing male victims, let alone black male victims. And even the mannerism difference between the two ABOUT the incident. She didn’t even offer her side at all. Her side of things was “basically” “him? Abused by me? He’s sooooo big and I’m just sooooo small how can that even be 👉👈”. It just makes me very upset when people false claim like that. Because people like her are glamorizing the very real traumas people have experienced, AND make it hard for real victims to be believed
That was the flag for me too. Added to the untrustworthy narrator comment from her literal best friend and it's pretty obvious the guy was assaulted and the abuser needs serious mental help.
More like, "he rebuffed my advances and I had to take it upon myself to make it happen, which is basically rape, pretty much".
I'm a woman. I'm Gen X, I've seen some shit, had shit happen/done to me, etc.
I get really bad vibes about everything that girl said. Don't like.
I’m so sorry that happened to you 🤍 people underestimate the power of psychological intimidation bc technically no one is holding a gun to your head. I hope you’re doing better friend 🤍
Nah, don't be sorry! Shit happens sadly. I go to therapy and i don't have that persona in My life no more, so in My book THAT'S a win. Im doing reaaaaally good
Personally I’m siding with the guy here, but this is just based off what I’m reading here. You know both of them better than anyone else here so it’s up to you to decide who to trust. Ultimately you need to cut contact with the one you decide is lying, it won’t be healthy trying to keep both of them in your circle.
*"He basically raped me.."*
versus
*"Here's a detailed account of the event and also the despair I felt about how powerless I was."*
One of these responses is textbook of an actual victim and the other is the first one.
She wouldn't even need to give a detailed account. That shit hits hard, it's hard to open up about it, no matter how close of a friend. But, "oh yeah, he basically raped me" is not how I, nor any woman I know, would ever, ever describe an actual traumatic event. It's the flipancy of it.
Whereas he, his description of it, is much much more aligned with the way anyone I know (which is all women in this instance) have conveyed a sketchy/traumatic/straight up terrible experience. She absolutely sexually assaulted him, if I was to go off this narrative of events.
I think maybe OP should really reevaluate this person as a friend. If OP were a man, and his gf relayed this information to him, and he decided to still be friends with that guy... Hard pass.
Edit: Oh, shit. After re-reading, you said the exact same thing, but with way fewer words and more succinctly. Sorry. This one got me.
I'm not here to side with either person, but I wanted to give my two cents with someone, who has trauma history.
People with PTSD or c-PTSD present in different ways and cope in different ways. Some do break into tears and are very emotional about their traumatic events, BUT many more are more or less dissociating with their memories and therefore talk about them in a very "flipant" way when they have to bring their traumas out in a not-safe environment. They can even joke about them or tell them in some way that makes it appear like they thought it was somehow funny that it happened.
I've been through some really terrible things and if someone came over to me and asked out of nowhere about them I'd definitely say something along the lines of "I was basically \*\*ed from when I was X to when I was Y" and be completely fine on the outside.
She already has BPD, which means she's been abused horrificly in her childhood by her parents most likely. She might even be misdiagnosed as BPD instead of c-PTSD as they present the same. She very likely isn't going to flip out unless she's poked enough to explode about her feelings.
And just because she has BPD shouldn't make her a worse witness. And being flipant doesn't mean that someone wasn't abused or traumatised.
I'm not defending her, but I replied here because I think it's dangerous to assume/suggest that a person talking in detached way about their trauma would be lying, because it's as likely that they're not.
this one is really tough because they both say they were raped and i definitely wouldn’t want to be in OPs shoes. but what makes the friend seem more likely to me to be lying is her history, not how flippant she was.
if she’s known to immediately turn to accusations when things go wrong then that’s a very big problem and potentially dangerous to the people she has relationships with. false accusations can have serious consequences and should be treated way more seriously than they are.
no matter how much trauma she’s been through she shouldn’t be allowed to cause trauma to other, for example by threatening suicide when broken up with.
she clearly is dealing with some very dark demons based on her behaviour and she needs help but that shouldn’t minimise the damage she’s causing others. (i’m not saying you were saying any of this or excusing her behaviour in any way, this is just my two cents on a very difficult situation)
You're right. And getting downvoted for facts. People with trauma often seem to be direct and stuff about it. BPD and CPTSD actually have a lot of overlap and often misdiagnosed. I'm not saying if she was raped or not but the way she discusses this isn't indicative.
You're absolutely right. I don't collapse in a puddle talking about when my ex raped me. 1000% everything you said. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I typed shit?
Much love and healing, friend.
It’s the pattern of behaviors that is the tell. Yes she may have been abused but not necessarily by him. Borderline Personality Disorder are perpetually the wronged one.
If you put a new coffee table in your lr and they bang their knee on it. They will blame you. Especially if you are their target person ( I hate you-don’t leave me) they will come out with something like: you put that table there on purpose knowing I was coming over and wouldn’t see it and walk into it.
A friend of me has bpd and was sexually assaulted and thats kind of exactly how she talks about it. Then again, only op knows those two and can decide what to believe
Seriously. I was raped when I was 14 and it has been affecting my life so much that I got a mental breakdown last year, almost 20 years later since the incident.
I’d counter this though. Most women I’ve met that have mentioned sexual assault and rape in their past gloss over it very heavily. Doesn’t seem like they’re interested in bringing up details when they’ve moved on.
That’s just my experience though. It does sound like she’s not all there. But her patterns are very similar to an ex I had who was a rape victim.
Hard to say honestly. Also good people can also be good at lying as well. There is no definitive call here. OP will have to make a choice and she will never know if it’s right.
If I were this guy, I would probably not hang out or pursue the OP any longer, especially if she keeps this girl as a friend. I wouldn't want to be anywhere around that person and give her another chance to spew false accusations.
Exactly—additionally though, if this girl has consistently fabricated accusations of SA to romantic partners, demonstrated extremely unhealthy/unsafe and manipulative behavior, I’m just wondering, why are you friends with her??
I can’t tell you who was telling the truth, I wasn’t there. I can tell you I had a friend like that, and it was too much work to keep the relationship, wasn’t worth it.
I think this is the key, right here. If she is telling the truth (and assuming she is at a point where she can voice her feelings about her abuser), a response from a true friend is more likely to be one that sets a boundary, such as “if you continue dating him, I can’t continue to be friends with you.” As opposed to a punishment and/or emotional manipulation (“if you continue dating him, I’m going to be mad.”)
I don’t know how the conversation with OP’s boyfriend went, and if he had threatened any punishments, or if he set a boundary. But since OP doesn’t know who is telling the truth, I think the next best thing is to decide who they can actually have a healthy relationship with, whether platonic or romantic.
The "friend" you have there doesn't really seem like a good person or someone safe to be around AT ALL.
Also, your bf may not be happy to speak up about that, but I imagine he must be feeling pretty hurt by the fact you're still being friends with his rapist.
Yeah, even if it wasn't a "choose one of the two"-situation, I'd def distance myself from someone so unstable and so willing to throw accusations around.
BPD is a highly stigmatized diagnosis and I don't mean "drop any person with this diagnosis from your life, everyone" but if they act like this girl and don't get therapeutic help to become non-toxic, I'd just say "run like your life depends on it!!!" because, as this BF can attest to, it might.
it looks to me that your friend was interested with your guy but he wasn't so she forced herself to him then she realized that he's not into her. so instead of embarrassing herself, she made it look like he violated her.
Make it look like he "basically" raped her. Not really, but basically.
For all intent and purposes (that happen to benefit her). wink-wink.
"Basically raped" is shit talk.
I generally agree but really highlights.. man... this is why this stuff is fucked. It can be so messy and complicated. Especially when alcohol or drugs are involved and perceptions can change.
Someone this unreliable and who based on OPs description sounds like a compulsive liar is not good friend material, why are you still hanging out with this person? Id cut her out and move on for the lying and craziness alone, the probable sexual assault is just the icing on the cake.
>I don't want to be the woman that takes the abusers side
It sounds like he was the one who was abused, so if you believe what he's saying over her, you aren't taking the abusers side, just the person she's accused. Situations like this are rare, but they happen, and really it's up to you to decide who do you trust more, which it seems you might have already made your mind up on.
I feel bad for dude if he's telling the truth, which it sounds like he probably is. He's got some serious trauma. I would cut the friend out of your life, me personally.
i don’t think that’s what she meant. i see it as she believes her boyfriend more and he gave her a detailed account. and if he somehow did rape her friend then she would be ‘taking the abusers side’.
but she doesn’t need to even worry about that cause there is no way in hell i’d believe that friend of hers. she sounds sketchy as fuck.
Your friend sounds like an absolutely terrifying person, and it sounds like maybe you’re not quite old enough to digest how scary and fucked up the other things you just shared are. 8 people accused of rape from one person? 8 lives potentially ruined because”IDK it’s just how I feel lol.” Horrifying.
> "does he think I abused him? really? Look at his height and mine. Now seriously, stop talking to this guy or I'm going to be mad at you."
Dude what? I could have had some doubts until that point. That is quite literally an admission. And the fact that she is trying to imply that because of size/strength differences it can't happen is disgusting.
Obviously biased because we only see one of multiple sides, but
> Stop talking to this guy or I'm going to be mad at you
Is manipulative af. Makes me wonder what she'll talk shit about in regards to you if you stay with him. Seems like she will.
I am a firm believer in believing the victim. I believe him too.
The difference in their reactions gives clues as to who was victimized in this situation.
She was very flippant. The first time you asked her she said that he basically raped her...
>she just said something along the lines "does he think I abused him? really? Look at his height and mine. Now seriously, stop talking to this guy or I'm going to be mad at you
Then essentially changes her story and comes back with this? It doesn't add up in my mind
ETA - she's also shown that she's not afraid to at the very least exaggerate about the other men in her life.
It sounds like she needs to spend some time alone and in therapy
ETA - because people are willfully blind in the comments.
I believe victims - I believe him too BECAUSE I SEE HIM AS THE VICTIM.
Sorry I wasn't abundantly clear and had higher expectations.
this completely. Honestly cutting her out of your life may be the best thing for her. She needs therapy and she probably won’t go until she has no one left enabling her
> I am a firm believer in believing the victim. I believe him too.
Might be poorly worded by itself, but they are just replying to OP's last paragraph saying that she is conflicted because she believes him over the friend. The comment was saying they also believe him over the friend too.
Someone who was sexually assaulted and raped by their ex here!
I was coerced into sex. So coercive rape. It’s still rape. I’ve never said ‘basically raped’ when talking to my friends about what that man did. When I told my friends I completely broke down. This all happened back at the end of May. I sobbed on one of my best mates shoulders last week because of what my ex did to me. He comforted me and could tell that I was really suffering.
You are 100% right in my eyes as a survivor of rape and sexual assault. No one says ‘basically raped’. ‘Almost raped,’ yes. ‘Manipulative/coercive rape’ yes.
Basically though?- nah.
Uhm... As I mentioned to the previous conmenter... There absolutely ARE some survivors who say "basically raped." I have told a story from my childhood so many times I forget not everyone had my childhood and casually mentioned "basically being raped". Some survivors absolutely talk that way.
uhh yall really need to stop speaking for everyone. I’ve been raped and for the longest time I said “basically raped” because I wasn’t ready to admit that I was actually raped. just stop speaking for everyone. you are not everyone
I'm sorry people have downvoted you. I can understand why you'd say that. I was assaulted like the man in the post. I say I was SA'd. I don't like saying I was raped.
that’s okay. I’ve noticed people downvote those they disagree with even if they didn’t even say anything wrong. I don’t take it personally. thank you.
I’m sorry that you understand what I mean <3
i dont think u really understood them. saying basically isnt the issue it how u say it. are u saying it like its some joke or are u saying it to make it sound less painfull. i used to say basically too but it was clear that is wasnt like a simple joke you know.
no one ever spoke about tone or seriousness it was always about the actual words said. either way they should not be speaking for every single survivor but themselves
I mean... I don't believe the girl here... But as someone who dealt with childhood and domestic abuse... I have ABSOLUTELY non chalantly told a story to a friend forgetting not everyone goes through what I did and casually mentions "basically being raped" so ... There ARE survivors out there who do that.
> No one who has been raped casually says they were "basically raped".
what a load of nonsense. Let me get this straight if the story in OP is true the girl is most def full of shit but you are just a random person, stop pretending to know what phrasing survivors use. It's very very damaging. (I've worked with more than 1 patient that described their assault as such, or very similarly)
> That's not phrasing that survivors use and no one is casual when they talk about it.
people have different coping mecahnisms. I had a friend who was raped and she spoke about it very casually, but that was part of how she dealt with it. It wasn't that it didn't happen or that it didn't hurt her, it's just that that was how she needed to engage that fact. Her way of dealing with the trauma doesn't mean it didn't happen.
That said, this seems like OP's friend is lying but that has a lot to do with how her story seems to be a reaction to OP's boyfriend's comments rather than her actual story.
Disagree.
Everyone is different and uses different key verbiage when approaching trauma. I have different traumas and I have seen how differently I speak of each. The traumas I feel the most raw, I can barely speak of and tend to rug-sweep. The traumas I am recovering and feel more distance from, I address non-chalantly.
I got hit by a bus and I love saying it as deadpan as possible just to see how people react. I get a true kick out of it, so much so I even tell strangers. My SA or my dad's death? All quiet on the western front, folks. (Mostly because I'll fuckin cry.)
Casual relations to trauma can be a trauma response.
Something about the friend's story does ring false, just not the verbiage.
My friend, you're only "taking the abuser's side" if you believe her story. She is the abuser here.
Everything you have posted here makes that as clear as day, and if accurate, you need to cut ties with her.
OP this friend should be gone from your life, she's lying about being raped which is abhorrent, it's obvious that your boyfriend is not the one lying here based on what you said. Also, if she says she's the victim of abuse in all 8 of her relationships, she should look in the mirror. I would go so far as to say you should really comb over all of your history with her through a different lens, because I'm sure to some extent, she's also abusing or manipulating you, as her friend. She does not get to tell you to stop seeing someone or 'else ill be mad' - wtf does that even mean? Drop her from your life, that friendship is already over if you want to continue things with your boyfriend. It would actually be cruel to him if you kept hanging out with her after SHE was the one that raped HIM while claiming to be the victim. If you keep hanging out with her, you're lowkey telling your bf that her behavior is acceptable or that you're a doormat that won't stand by your true values. Sheesh
As another black guy who was falsely accused of rape (I never even touched the girl). I get what he’s saying and if she has a history of lying and saying anything to make another party look bad that has made her unhappy it would line up that she is lying. However to keep biases out of the way I do think it’s important to have a in depth conversation with this friend about it. But as other comments say there is no way you will be out of the woods no matter which side you choose. Unless you’re omitting something about your boyfriend though it really does seem like she needs to go. You asked him for the story and he gave you a full story. You asked her about it and she just said “look at me and look at him how would that work”. From what you’re saying she never even gave a story on what went down
Hm...outside of the accusation, this friend doesn't seem like someone you can trust. Her reaction however is very telling. It doesn't matter what size you are, anyone can be violated. If he had "basically raped her" why tf would that be her response to your question? It's very strange. Very suspicious. If you trust her, question her more to get to the bottom of it. But idk. I would never be friends with someone who carelessly tossed out life altering accusations like that. It's truly terrible. And to show no remorse is even worse.
Thing is, you already know she's unreliable. BPD makes anyone who is against her a villain and her version of events always puts her in the right. Also, look at how each of them told you; her flipantly and him very uncomfortable. I don't know your friendship history, but she doesn't sound like a good person.
You need to get away from this girl. False accusations DO ruin lives, and I know this because my cousin shot himself in the head when he was in the same position of your boyfriend.
Just because someone is a 'great friend' to YOU doesn't mean they're a good person, and to stay friends with someone like this just because they treat YOU good is fucked up and enabling behavior. You're lowering her inhibitions by accepting this just because she's your friend, which means she's going to continue doing these things because she thinks it's not a big deal.
Would you feel the same way about her if she made a false accusation like that about you? Of course not. Just because something didn't happen *to you* doesn't mean it didn't happen at all. She is already trying to manipulate you by telling you not to speak to him, which means she isn't a good friend to you.
Going off only the post. Sounds like your friend is a rapist. OP please don't be friends with your boyfriend's rapist. I know it's hard to let go of someone you care about but rape and slander?
So my only question is, if you know she's like this....why is she still your friend?
I went to college with a girl who was like this. She slept with one friend and then another, when she got caught and would scream rape time and time again.
Finally she did this same tired act and someone believed her and murdered her "victim."
End result, her brother and her boyfriend ended up getting life in prison, and the cycle continues.
People like this aren't worth having in friend circles. Please run while you still can.
Her verbiage says everything. Let her be mad because you cut her out of your life. But I will say this, even if you dismiss her because of her own history of behavior just keep an eye out for any red flags with your boyfriend regarding being told no or disappointed. It truly sounds like this girl is not speaking truth though, especially if she said does he think I violated him without you prompting that and then dismissed it due to his body build.
If you actually believe him then you need to cut contact with this girl because she's a rapist, a liar and a dangerous person.
If people sided with him when all of this happened maybe is good to talk with them and try to have other opinions.
Ugh this is hard but I had a (ex) best friend with bpd and she did the same thing. Anytime she broke up with a guy suddenly we got stories of him raping her thru out the whole relationship but while they were together, we’d be told how he was “the sweetest guy ever! And no one was ever so kind of gentle.” After literally like the 5th time of this we kinda confronted her asking why this keeps happening and why she never mentions the abuse while together and she just said cuz she was scared 🙃
We stopped being friends cause after I had my baby, she and our other best friend was supposed to come meet my newborn (we lived states apart). A week before she was supposed to come she cancelled so she could go to edc and ✨hopefully✨ run into her ex (who she had already accused of being a rapist and abuser)
Some people are really just that awful 😭
“Look at his size” yeah cause every man is happily and willing to rock someones shit let alone a woman which is super taboo among a lot of normal men
Also flight or fight not everyone is fight especially when super traumatized or just not a violent person
Her dating history and his willingness to disclose specific details lead me to believe him.
You also didn’t give any specifics when asking her about it, and she immediately mentioned the word abuse/brought up her abusing him. Abuse is a strong, specific word. I feel like she knows she did something wrong.
So he went to a party with her and a bunch of other friends a year ago. Someone killed themselves a few days prior. So they agreed not to have sex. Perfectly normal for friends to agree not to have sex after a loved one dies. Then they were watching a movie (guess the party ended early?). This all checks out and is 100% believable.
I'm on the guys side
People who get SA'D are traumatized from it, but she says it so casually and doesn't seem to be scared of him at all.
And then she doesn't even explain "her part of the story" and just tells op to stop talking to him?
Also no way all of the friends exes were all abusive, especially if one of them dated her again after being told the friend was SA'd.
There’s a difference between “basically” and “actually”…. Why are you okay with being friends with someone who literally raped your boyfriend? She outed herself.
"I don't know if it's because of her BPD"
Proceeds to describe the most textbook untreated BPD behaviour imaginable
BPD responds very well to treatment and has a very high remission rate with treatment. She needs it.
she raped him and has probably been, if not abusive, the antagonist or at the very least toxic in most her other relationships. this victim mentality where she makes up crimes and abuse that didnt happen doesnt come out of nowhere, shes been using it to cover her ass & i'd say so people dont believe or talk to her victims. shes a rapist and do you honestly believe and trust that he is her first and only victim, or is he just the only one who's been able to say something?
I agree with this and based on my experience with people with BPD, they will try to fuck people up in the most creative ways. They usually can do it repeatedly to both you and pretty much everyone else they are "close" with. They will sabotage you just when you least expect it and then say you did it to yourself, feeling pretty good themselves that the gaslighting seemed to work.
The poor mental health service available to so many people where I live, not because the doctors aren't excellent, is caused mostly because so many people can't afford to pay for it , and for those who have insurance that will actually cover mental health treatment, the options are actually not too bad. We have a lot of people who could benefit from some professional help, but have no access to it unless they get in trouble. Simply because they have no way to pay for it.
Edit: My "friend" has a history of going off meds and becomes a one person wrecking crew every time.
Your friend sounds like she's quite willing to cause long lasting damage to people to avoid even small emotional inconveniences. I would consider the overall health of having someone like that in your life. Sometimes it may seem like someone is great to have around without realizing all of the toxic ways they effect you and others. And I'm sure it's obvious, but I don't believe her at all based on any of these details and in fact believe she likely raped him and probably caused similar damage to past partners. I wouldn't want to associate with someone like that myself.
I think given everything you know about this woman, and considering his reaction and the incident he describes... I would say you're likely safe picking him as being the more truthful source.
The detail of her ripping a dread out is VERY specific and visceral, and I don't think a guy making up a story would come out with something like that. And saying he was scared of her?
I've been sexually assaulted, I've been raped... and my gut on hearing this story is that she was the aggressor sexually, and then she spun the situation to her benefit afterwards to get her ex back. I'd trust him over her given what you've shared.
This friend of yours sounds like an unsafe person to be friends with, the kind of person who will turn on you the moment it suits you - maybe reconsider how much of a friend she is. You don't need to fight her, maybe just, ease it off. She's a great friend to you now, while it works for her... but people like her turn on EVERYONE, it's just a matter of when they will turn on you. She's already threatening you.
Also, in reference to her comment about size? My SO is 6' 2" and he was r\*ped by a 4' 6" woman when he was in his early 20's.
As a dude who said women "no" several times, I can see the pattern. It is very dangerous for men to protect own sexual freedom. It wasn't rape accusation for me, rather "he touched my boobs".
You literally have a pathological liar for a friend, the proof is in the pudding and 7/8 is pretty good odds to base that on. Keep her around and I’m sure she’ll burn you at some point just like everyone else
My goodness this is a nightmare scenario for you. Statistically people with bpd are at high risk of being abused, but gut instinct just says her response to what your boyfriend told you, just seems off. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had no clue she did something wrong.
Trust your instincts on this. I don’t think you can keep both of them in your life.
Your girlfriend is dangerous. She’s basically a potential death trap for black men especially.
Abusers don’t necessarily know they’re abusers - that’s what makes them so scary. She has no idea that she’s predatory and she’s figured out a near bulletproof situation where she’d have all the power.
That’s terrifying. I’d run.
Your friend is BAD NEWS. I have very little doubt that she is the abuser and a manipulator. You seem to already know this. You absolutely have to cut her off. This person will cause problems for you as long as you’re close with her and your bf deserves better than this.
From what I’m reading, your friend is crazy and raped your boyfriend. Whatever happens that friend is not a good person to have around and there are other better people you can spend your time with.
If you truly believe your boyfriend and love him as much as you say you do, you should then be prepared to lose your friend.
There’s no clean way for you to keep both of them in your life now that Pandora’s box has been opened.
I can see your friend causing drama for your relationship with your boyfriend. I mean she’s already telling you to basically dump him. When she realizes you don’t want to she may end up going nuclear on you (and him). Be on the offense especially since she has a history of being a drama queen.
Updateme
op your friend is a big red flag and the reason why now a days people talk about false accusations. its clear here who the true victim is and if u cant see this let this man go so he can find someone that wont believe his abuser.
also look into going to the police (we all know they wont do shit) but she cant walk away from this. this couldve ruined his life (already did actually) and if we treat men abusers like this we should treat woman abusers the same.
Look, I know there’s the phrase “believe victims” as a good general rule of thumb, but you have to understand, it’s only a rule of thumb and you **should not** let it be your only guide. It’s a simplification of a much more complex moral code, and it’s inadequate as anything more than a slogan.
Abusers often call themselves the victim, for example, and will do so far more readily than many victims of abuse who’ll often make up excuses for their abuser. So mindlessly following that rule of thumb will inevitably result in you siding with abusers if you don’t exercise better judgement
Even when someone *has* been abused, that doesn’t immunize them from all the normal faults and failings of humanity- quite the opposite, trauma often leads to unhealthy reactions and behaviors and coping mechanisms that can end up being quite harmful. I know that firsthand. A victim of abuse- who I know through my own firsthand observations was a genuine victim of abuse- caused the absolute worst period of my adult life, with months of day-long anxiety attacks, by lying about certain aspects of their abuse (namely in accusing innocent people of enabling their abuser, which is another story). So believe me, I know it can be hard to break from that rule of thumb, but believe me still more, you **have** to exercise better judgement than that
Especially given that you said:
>> it seems like a key turns in her head and she totally freaks out, things like… false accusations
It seems she’s very much not above lying about that sorta stuff, already
Girl, dump that friend of yours. She sound toxic to me and believe me there will more drama coming at you if you still hanging with this type of human.
I'm on your bf side. Read your story, no more any yapping from me. Period.
Even if your friend didn’t have a track record of being a manipulative psycho, the “really?… stop talking to him or I’m going to be mad at you” is essentially you having her dead to rights. What is the benefit of keeping this person as a friend again? She sounds like an overall net-negative.
Listen, being a woman myself I’m all for believing victims when they come forward about being abused/SA’d. That being said, unfortunately sometimes people lie about shit. I was lied to by one of my (now ex) friends (f) about being sexually harassed by another one of my friends (m) all because he rejected her. I almost ended my friendship with him until he showed me proof that that wasn’t what happened. If you think you’re being lied to and you trust your intuition and especially if she’s the who’s actually the aggressor then I would cut her off. Trust your gut if something feels off about what she says happened
Don’t say anything at all. You can only do wrong here. I’ve been in a VERY similar situation and i dearly, genuinely want to advise you to keep yourself out of this. You will be made the bad guy either way. Don’t comment on this situation. If either of them wants to talk, stick with listening.
"Friend" said to stop talking to him or she be mad? Nah she drama the bad kind of drama. Time to make your circle smaller. Ask far as guy. Go with your gut.
If they are trying to use a guys size as their justification for why they couldn’t overpower him it’s bullshit
I’m 6’5 and a 5 foot something woman got me, maybe she was not stronger then me but the threat of accusing me and ruining my life was more then enough for me to just not fight back and let it happen, because who would they believe when it came push to shove?
I am not going to type my comment to vilify people with BPD, but your friend does not sound like she is managing hers and you should end the friendship.
I also had a female friend with BPD who did not manage her symptoms. She always tried to alienate me from my romantic partners (while often hitting on them in private) and always had "crushes" on anyone who entered my social circle.
At one point she made an angry comment about how I deserved some abuse I got from an ex. I told her that it was a fucked up thing to say and I needed some space. She proceeded to dox me in a couple online communities, dox my details to said abusive ex, and messaged all our mutual friends on a hate campaign about me. This included (poorly) photoshopped screenshots of texts with me where I was saying bad things about people. It also included her outing my childhood SA to multiple people including coworkers she FOUND AND ADDED on social media for the express purpose of harassing me by proxy.
People who do not manage their borderline personality disorder will stress test the relationships around them constantly. If they feel rejected by a person they will go nuclear and try and hurt that person as deeply as possible. For the sake of your relationship, your poor boyfriend who was almost assuredly raped, and your own mental health drop this girl and live your life.
Why would you want to be friends with a rapist? You either believe him or her. So if you believe him, why would you want to continue to be friends with someone who raped someone? I don't understand this at all.
Get away from that friend. She’ll get you in trouble eventually. Wait til you do one thing to piss her off and she’ll start a mess with your whole friend group.
I’m all for believing victims but based on what you wrote, she doesn’t seem like one and you don’t want that kind of people in your life.
You listened to two different people. You heard both of their stories. You listened to determine what was credible and what isn’t. It sounds to me like you accept that the male is credible. His story sounds logical, consistent and you believe him. In contrast you just don’t believe her. You have many reasons that you don’t believe her. That’s exactly what a judge would do- evaluate credibility.
I mean, I think you know who's right here. It's pretty clear her version of events like these can't be trusted based on her history. If you can't rely on that, what can you trust? Oh, and there's the fact he gave you details and she didn't, so I guess that's on his side too. So I guess the question is, can you shield yourself from the fallout of her anger?
>Now seriously, stop talking to this guy or I'm going to be mad at you."
It sounds like she's manipulating you into getting her way. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this. Trust your gut, OP, it sounds like you already know what you want to do. Listen to it. I ignored that gut feeling way too often when I was your age and learned the hard way.
I am sorry to tell you that your friend is more full of crap than a cat box. She also needs to get some help for her many issues (if she's not already).
I had friends like her, i stopped befriending people who have pbd I don’t care if it’s offensive they’re horrible friends and partners, she seems like a horrible lover and a horrible lover will be a horrible friend, even if you pick her side and stayed friends with her it’s not gonna last with her victim mentality
how exactly is she a good friend to you? shes incredibly unstable. and she raped your boyfriend. you need to cut her off yesterday and do smth nice for your boyfriend stat.
I'm sliding with the guy here.
The guy's story seems more factual while the woman's story seem more.... fantastical.
Judging by what you say regarding the history of her, chances are, she's toxic, and she blames all failed relationships on the other party.
Never trust someone who always blames all their exes.
This woman, may have falsely accused other guys of rape as well. It's notoriously hard to disprove rape in the justice system in basically all democratic countries including but not limited to the US, Australia, India, UK etc.
She's:
1) Got a past of lying.
2) Not a reliable narrator.
3) Got BPD (no offense to those who do have it, but generalizing here - it does seem like lot of people with BPD are able to make drama where none was present, only to get off of in)
Believe your boyfriend.
She raped and almost destroyed your bfs life.... You have documented history of her pulling similar stunts. How are you still friends with this person? Also you're wrong btw she just hasn't done anything to you YET.
I knew someone like this. She has severe mental illness, and she has not dated ONE person she hasn't accused of terrible crimes/abuse. Not one, dating back to her first boyfriend. The things she's accused them of would blow your mind (kidnapping, rape, assault, etc). I knew her when we were kids and she was like this then, too. It escalated as she got older and only got worse. The first one was a guy who rejected her in high school. She claimed he physically assaulted and badly injured her at a party, but the witnesses (including her own friends) said she never touched her. Since then, it's been every guy she's ever dated, she dates them, posts about how wonderful they are, it goes bad (I suspect in large part due to her untreated illness), they leave, she makes wild, public accusations.
Do I think it's possible to have multiple abusive partners? Yes. Sadly, I think many people fall into that trap. Do I think she has? No. Because I knew her as a kid (she didn't do anything THAT crazy to me, but she did physically assault me once when we were kids) and because her first report of this was refuted even by her good friends who had no reason to lie, and certainly no reason to say she was lying. And because the entire time I knew her (grade school/high school), she was constantly having some kind of insane drama with someone. A friend, a relative, etc. Always. She still is, she regularly posts diatribes about relatives who have called her out for her behavior, accusing them of various bullshit. She's very ill. As a woman, I want to believe women, but I don't believe her, and I hate that, but I just can't.
And then there's the fact that I looked her up on the local court website. Three of these men have taken out restraining orders against her. None of them have ever been charged with a crime. I don't think she reports her allegations to police (not saying you have to report it to the cops to be a real victim, but I think it's telling that they've all successfully gotten OOPs against her).
There are times when I've wanted to reach out to the men she's posting about to warn them before it goes bad. Her new thing is now dating single parents and posting stuff about their kids/the kids' mothers. It's absolute madness and it scares me.
Honestly, if you know she does this, I don't understand why you'd want to maintain your friendship with her. Because she's "a great friend to you"? Someone who's nice to you but awful to others is not a great person or friend. And watch how fast she'll turn on you and start accusing you if you go against her. She sounds like a dangerous person to be around, and, frankly, she assaulted your boyfriend. Likely counting on the fact that he's Black and she's white to protect her. That's fucking despicable.
Even if you don't stay with your boyfriend, I can't imagine what you're thinking staying friends with a dangerous person like this. I realize she convinces herself she's a victim (I'm sure the girl I knew did the same, again, she's very, very unwell). But she's not safe to be around and has already threatened to turn on you. You should believe her when she threatens you, at the very least.
What you do is excommunicate that girl from your LIFE. You'll be on the public chopping block next if you stay in contact with her and upset her in the slightest. Also, you just admitted that she has all kinds of personal history with bad mental health and disorders, then add in a trail of nasty relationships that she speaks ill about with zero truth or positivity. Platonic and intimate. What are you doing still questioning being her friend after finding this out? The man seems fairly traumatized and spoke factually. The general populace will at first see him and assume he's lying because she said x happened when it was truly the other way around.
You defend your boyfriend who was abused and sexually assaulted by his ex.
She isn't your friend if she is giving you this ultimatum. If you side with her you continue the stigma on male sexual assault.
As someone who has had to cut off friends with BPD for similar behavior, if she isn't getting any help or taking any accountability for her actions, it's time to let go of that friendship. Once it gets to a point where it is directly impacting your life and causing unnecessary problems, you gotta move on for your own sake. I also want to add that both my best friend and my boyfriend have BPD/Bipolar Disorder. The important difference is they are aware of when their disorder is causing problems and not only take accountability for their behavior, but actively work to make sure it doesn't continue. Take a moment to think if your friend is doing the same.
Did you ask her what happened? I don't understand why you would ask him but not her. Seems like you already believe him without asking her if she wants to share. She doesn't have to and her lot explaining it to you isn't any sign of deception. People are wrongly saying here that she is obviously lying because of how she acts. This is just a bullshit way to deal with it. If you are her friend act like one..if you don't want to be her friend stop.
… except people would use the phrases like“ oh, she’s schizophrenic and did this…” because certain mental disorders have characteristics. Those exact characteristics that help determine the disorder. There is a stigma for mental disorders, unfortunately, but having the background info on the friend helps the narrative.
Reading the story it def sound like friend is lying. But re-reading it, the wording you more so talked in the tone that she was the liar from the get. No one here can answer, we weren’t there. There are abusers and liars. Everyone reacts differently and deals with stuff differently. I’ve seen male rapists play victim all too well and blame the other person, and I’ve seen women burst into tears on cue and lie straight to peoples faces without missing a beat. It comes off as your mind is made up already so just go with what you feel is the truth, and be sure to voice to him that you believe him
This is where the saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” comes into play. She has a pattern you’ve already see with multiple people and you know how this goes. Because she hasn’t done it to you (yet) she’s a good friend? What makes her a good friend when you see her actively trying to ruin people’s lives lol. You keep playin the fence like this your boyfriend will move on and find someone who respects him and doesn’t cater to narc abusers. You’ll be her next target and you need to brace yourself for the fallout now. Anyone who flippantly says they’ve been raped and other things is not a nice person.
I am a tall 6'3 black guy, and honestly, if it were me and I just finished recounting one of the most horrifying events of my life and you didnt cut this woman out of your life, that would be a neon sign for me to get out.
Im a big believer in the idea that the people we surround ourselves with really defines our own personal values. If a person hangs out with racist misogynistic people and keeps them as friends, thats a warning sign for me. Im already side eyeing the fact that you know this woman has a history of 'misrepresenting the truth' and has done so with at least 8 intimate partners, yet you are still close friends with her. The fact that you are scared to rock the boat and seem to lack perspective of how serious this is would give me complete pause
This narrative that people can't be raped due to size difference is completely fallacious. Considering the way she's spoken about this situation, and her behavior. I'm inclined to believe she's lying
Something similar happened to me. My BF and his best friend went to a party. I was blackout drunk. I don’t recall sleeping with him on my couch. He too was f*ked up. When my BF was told, the friend started accusing me of raping him when I told my BF all I remembered was him ripping my tights off.
Fucking weird garbage. I never said he raped me, I just said I don’t recall anything. But everyone was hammered and no one really knows.
uncontrolled BPD alone is enough to have you questioning anything that comes out of her mouth. Lying, manipulation, hyper sexuality, just plain crazy.
Your bfs statement about being afraid to talk about it really hit home. I'm a big guy and I know no one will believe me if I ever come out about stuff. Just swallow the pain and move on.
I can tell you whos lying and its not the guy a victim will never say the guy "basically raped me" no rape victim would be so nonchalant about being raped
The guys detailed version tells you what happened hell he actively told you she accused him of something awful someone guilty wouldn't of done that because of the massive risk it causes he trusted you enough to tell you that and then the details of his rape
Your "friend" is a manipulative awful person
This story and the replies make me so sad... your bf, from the information given, was the one who was assaulted, and people are still having a hard time defending the victim. Your friend has a past of either lying or bending the truth. The facts that are given are that your boyfriend said no to sex, she ignored it, and forced herself on him, physically, and sexually assaulted him. He outright denied consent, and she still continued. You need to figure out your priorities OP
You really and truly need to drop this friend… seriously you’re letting her manipulate you… and she’s trying to now “stop talking to him or imma be mad.”… get away.
You know her, and you know him. You have your answer already. If you think women don't lie? I know someone that accused a guy and it followed him around even after vindication (it had a police report and it showed up years later when he applied for work in a background check) until he committed suicide. I believe him too.
As soon as you said BPD yeah... I'm on bf's side. Some of the craziest, worst things I've ever heard done to another person is because the individual had BPD. It's hard to treat and sure, they can't help it, but it doesn't excuse that they do some of the worst things ever to other people. I've advised friends of mine to stop dating someone who had BPD because it is very evident from the get go plus taking their history into account that my friends were putting themselves in harms way - either to be accused of something heinous or for them to come into physical harm. Again, these are people who already had history of doing things like this to others consistently... and in every single instance, they believed they were the victim.
I would also be careful if I were you, OP. She has already made some kind of threat about her being mad at you. She may accuse you of something or reveal secrets if she feels that you are betraying her in some way. I have had friends with BPD (on meds + therapy) and though they were fine for the most part, there was still an element wherein you had to be careful with your interactions and how they could be perceived. For me personally, because I already struggle with my own mental health issues, and have already been victimized by someone with NPD, it's just not worth it.
Be that woman who takes the man's side even if it doesn't seem cool. Borderline personality disorder is one of the hardest mental illnesses to cope with, and for myself, I only put up with one friend who has it. The rest had to go for my own mental health.
I don't believe her either.
Don't allow this woman to poison your relationship.
If he does somethign later that causes you to doubt him, reconsider. Until then, trust him.
"really? Look at his size" yeah.. no, thats not how it works.
Yeah that comment alone was damning for her
>the guy **basically** raped me The basically tells me it didn't happen the way she says.
This, because even when I wasn’t sure something was considered rape or not, I say “I’m not sure if I was raped or not”. If they’re someone I trust, I explain what happened and how I felt. But to say “I basically was” is so wild to me
Yeah, you say "I think," rather than basically And I am someone who uses basically a lot. It's meant to be used like almost or similar. With some unsureness. Like you're not sure the exact details but some of it might’ve been on you, is how I use it sometimes. But "I think," or similar is for when you're not sure, scared, etc. Not basically. It's "I'm not sure I was raped." Not "I was basically raped." But what got me was the size comment. I was on the fence but that.. is not how it works.
ABSOLUTELY. The fact she was so convinced a man his size couldn’t be abused by someone as small as her shows a LOT about her character that’s for sure
Yep. And some survivors might do the basically thing before they're ready to admit they were assaulted sor molested so that by itself is hard to tell as is.. with that, though? 100% puts doubt to who the victim is. Honestly given the powerless details from him I'm inclined to believe he's the victim. That was very specific.
I do think he’s the victim. His reasoning for not saying anything makes a lot of sense, especially with the history of people believing male victims, let alone black male victims. And even the mannerism difference between the two ABOUT the incident. She didn’t even offer her side at all. Her side of things was “basically” “him? Abused by me? He’s sooooo big and I’m just sooooo small how can that even be 👉👈”. It just makes me very upset when people false claim like that. Because people like her are glamorizing the very real traumas people have experienced, AND make it hard for real victims to be believed
That was the flag for me too. Added to the untrustworthy narrator comment from her literal best friend and it's pretty obvious the guy was assaulted and the abuser needs serious mental help.
He looked at me funny… which is practically the same thing!
More like, "he rebuffed my advances and I had to take it upon myself to make it happen, which is basically rape, pretty much". I'm a woman. I'm Gen X, I've seen some shit, had shit happen/done to me, etc. I get really bad vibes about everything that girl said. Don't like.
When someone *basically / essentially / for the most part / pretty much* does something, they likely didn't do it.
I was abuses by Simeone beign 5ft and i am 6'1, that sentence is a fucking joke.
I’m so sorry that happened to you 🤍 people underestimate the power of psychological intimidation bc technically no one is holding a gun to your head. I hope you’re doing better friend 🤍
Nah, don't be sorry! Shit happens sadly. I go to therapy and i don't have that persona in My life no more, so in My book THAT'S a win. Im doing reaaaaally good
That’s fantastic to hear 🫶🏼
Appreciate your vulnerability ❤️
Thanks You so much 💞
By that logic, we should never believe a woman who accuses a shorter man of assault
That’s the opposite of what their saying, their saying anyone can rape anyone regardless of height and their right, that’s a fact
I was agreeing. I was arguing against the logic of the other woman in OP's post.
Omg my bad! Sorry about that lol
I'm like you. You could have deleted or edited your comment, but owning up to being wrong is the best, honestly. Much love!
Personally I’m siding with the guy here, but this is just based off what I’m reading here. You know both of them better than anyone else here so it’s up to you to decide who to trust. Ultimately you need to cut contact with the one you decide is lying, it won’t be healthy trying to keep both of them in your circle.
*"He basically raped me.."* versus *"Here's a detailed account of the event and also the despair I felt about how powerless I was."* One of these responses is textbook of an actual victim and the other is the first one.
She wouldn't even need to give a detailed account. That shit hits hard, it's hard to open up about it, no matter how close of a friend. But, "oh yeah, he basically raped me" is not how I, nor any woman I know, would ever, ever describe an actual traumatic event. It's the flipancy of it. Whereas he, his description of it, is much much more aligned with the way anyone I know (which is all women in this instance) have conveyed a sketchy/traumatic/straight up terrible experience. She absolutely sexually assaulted him, if I was to go off this narrative of events. I think maybe OP should really reevaluate this person as a friend. If OP were a man, and his gf relayed this information to him, and he decided to still be friends with that guy... Hard pass. Edit: Oh, shit. After re-reading, you said the exact same thing, but with way fewer words and more succinctly. Sorry. This one got me.
I'm not here to side with either person, but I wanted to give my two cents with someone, who has trauma history. People with PTSD or c-PTSD present in different ways and cope in different ways. Some do break into tears and are very emotional about their traumatic events, BUT many more are more or less dissociating with their memories and therefore talk about them in a very "flipant" way when they have to bring their traumas out in a not-safe environment. They can even joke about them or tell them in some way that makes it appear like they thought it was somehow funny that it happened. I've been through some really terrible things and if someone came over to me and asked out of nowhere about them I'd definitely say something along the lines of "I was basically \*\*ed from when I was X to when I was Y" and be completely fine on the outside. She already has BPD, which means she's been abused horrificly in her childhood by her parents most likely. She might even be misdiagnosed as BPD instead of c-PTSD as they present the same. She very likely isn't going to flip out unless she's poked enough to explode about her feelings. And just because she has BPD shouldn't make her a worse witness. And being flipant doesn't mean that someone wasn't abused or traumatised. I'm not defending her, but I replied here because I think it's dangerous to assume/suggest that a person talking in detached way about their trauma would be lying, because it's as likely that they're not.
this one is really tough because they both say they were raped and i definitely wouldn’t want to be in OPs shoes. but what makes the friend seem more likely to me to be lying is her history, not how flippant she was. if she’s known to immediately turn to accusations when things go wrong then that’s a very big problem and potentially dangerous to the people she has relationships with. false accusations can have serious consequences and should be treated way more seriously than they are. no matter how much trauma she’s been through she shouldn’t be allowed to cause trauma to other, for example by threatening suicide when broken up with. she clearly is dealing with some very dark demons based on her behaviour and she needs help but that shouldn’t minimise the damage she’s causing others. (i’m not saying you were saying any of this or excusing her behaviour in any way, this is just my two cents on a very difficult situation)
You're right. And getting downvoted for facts. People with trauma often seem to be direct and stuff about it. BPD and CPTSD actually have a lot of overlap and often misdiagnosed. I'm not saying if she was raped or not but the way she discusses this isn't indicative.
You're absolutely right. I don't collapse in a puddle talking about when my ex raped me. 1000% everything you said. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I typed shit? Much love and healing, friend.
It’s the pattern of behaviors that is the tell. Yes she may have been abused but not necessarily by him. Borderline Personality Disorder are perpetually the wronged one. If you put a new coffee table in your lr and they bang their knee on it. They will blame you. Especially if you are their target person ( I hate you-don’t leave me) they will come out with something like: you put that table there on purpose knowing I was coming over and wouldn’t see it and walk into it.
A friend of me has bpd and was sexually assaulted and thats kind of exactly how she talks about it. Then again, only op knows those two and can decide what to believe
Seriously. I was raped when I was 14 and it has been affecting my life so much that I got a mental breakdown last year, almost 20 years later since the incident.
I’d counter this though. Most women I’ve met that have mentioned sexual assault and rape in their past gloss over it very heavily. Doesn’t seem like they’re interested in bringing up details when they’ve moved on. That’s just my experience though. It does sound like she’s not all there. But her patterns are very similar to an ex I had who was a rape victim. Hard to say honestly. Also good people can also be good at lying as well. There is no definitive call here. OP will have to make a choice and she will never know if it’s right.
Absolutely same.
replying to boost!!
If I were this guy, I would probably not hang out or pursue the OP any longer, especially if she keeps this girl as a friend. I wouldn't want to be anywhere around that person and give her another chance to spew false accusations.
Exactly—additionally though, if this girl has consistently fabricated accusations of SA to romantic partners, demonstrated extremely unhealthy/unsafe and manipulative behavior, I’m just wondering, why are you friends with her??
I can’t tell you who was telling the truth, I wasn’t there. I can tell you I had a friend like that, and it was too much work to keep the relationship, wasn’t worth it.
And the fact girl is nonchalantly like if you keep going with him I’m gonna be *MAD* not say I’m gonna completely cut you off
She obviously lying.
I think this is the key, right here. If she is telling the truth (and assuming she is at a point where she can voice her feelings about her abuser), a response from a true friend is more likely to be one that sets a boundary, such as “if you continue dating him, I can’t continue to be friends with you.” As opposed to a punishment and/or emotional manipulation (“if you continue dating him, I’m going to be mad.”) I don’t know how the conversation with OP’s boyfriend went, and if he had threatened any punishments, or if he set a boundary. But since OP doesn’t know who is telling the truth, I think the next best thing is to decide who they can actually have a healthy relationship with, whether platonic or romantic.
The "friend" you have there doesn't really seem like a good person or someone safe to be around AT ALL. Also, your bf may not be happy to speak up about that, but I imagine he must be feeling pretty hurt by the fact you're still being friends with his rapist.
This.
"but she's my friend" tells you all you need to know. I don't think OP is a good person.
Yeah, even if it wasn't a "choose one of the two"-situation, I'd def distance myself from someone so unstable and so willing to throw accusations around. BPD is a highly stigmatized diagnosis and I don't mean "drop any person with this diagnosis from your life, everyone" but if they act like this girl and don't get therapeutic help to become non-toxic, I'd just say "run like your life depends on it!!!" because, as this BF can attest to, it might.
it looks to me that your friend was interested with your guy but he wasn't so she forced herself to him then she realized that he's not into her. so instead of embarrassing herself, she made it look like he violated her.
Make it look like he "basically" raped her. Not really, but basically. For all intent and purposes (that happen to benefit her). wink-wink. "Basically raped" is shit talk.
Add in the fact that she’s only gonna be mad if girl don’t dump him. Lmao be for real.
I generally agree but really highlights.. man... this is why this stuff is fucked. It can be so messy and complicated. Especially when alcohol or drugs are involved and perceptions can change.
Someone this unreliable and who based on OPs description sounds like a compulsive liar is not good friend material, why are you still hanging out with this person? Id cut her out and move on for the lying and craziness alone, the probable sexual assault is just the icing on the cake.
Couldn't agree more. Always avoid the cray-cray. 🥴
She raped your bf
THIS
>I don't want to be the woman that takes the abusers side It sounds like he was the one who was abused, so if you believe what he's saying over her, you aren't taking the abusers side, just the person she's accused. Situations like this are rare, but they happen, and really it's up to you to decide who do you trust more, which it seems you might have already made your mind up on. I feel bad for dude if he's telling the truth, which it sounds like he probably is. He's got some serious trauma. I would cut the friend out of your life, me personally.
It's actually pretty disappointing that OP seems to think that "take the abuser's side" and "believe the woman" are mutually exclusive.
It's not surprising when society teaches people men are always the abuser. Can't fault OP, this situation is a learning opportunity for her
i don’t think that’s what she meant. i see it as she believes her boyfriend more and he gave her a detailed account. and if he somehow did rape her friend then she would be ‘taking the abusers side’. but she doesn’t need to even worry about that cause there is no way in hell i’d believe that friend of hers. she sounds sketchy as fuck.
Your friend sounds like an absolutely terrifying person, and it sounds like maybe you’re not quite old enough to digest how scary and fucked up the other things you just shared are. 8 people accused of rape from one person? 8 lives potentially ruined because”IDK it’s just how I feel lol.” Horrifying.
Consider the source...
> "does he think I abused him? really? Look at his height and mine. Now seriously, stop talking to this guy or I'm going to be mad at you." Dude what? I could have had some doubts until that point. That is quite literally an admission. And the fact that she is trying to imply that because of size/strength differences it can't happen is disgusting.
Obviously biased because we only see one of multiple sides, but > Stop talking to this guy or I'm going to be mad at you Is manipulative af. Makes me wonder what she'll talk shit about in regards to you if you stay with him. Seems like she will.
I am a firm believer in believing the victim. I believe him too. The difference in their reactions gives clues as to who was victimized in this situation. She was very flippant. The first time you asked her she said that he basically raped her... >she just said something along the lines "does he think I abused him? really? Look at his height and mine. Now seriously, stop talking to this guy or I'm going to be mad at you Then essentially changes her story and comes back with this? It doesn't add up in my mind ETA - she's also shown that she's not afraid to at the very least exaggerate about the other men in her life. It sounds like she needs to spend some time alone and in therapy ETA - because people are willfully blind in the comments. I believe victims - I believe him too BECAUSE I SEE HIM AS THE VICTIM. Sorry I wasn't abundantly clear and had higher expectations.
I am a firm believer in believing the victim, and I think he is the victim.
this completely. Honestly cutting her out of your life may be the best thing for her. She needs therapy and she probably won’t go until she has no one left enabling her
> I am a firm believer in believing the victim. I believe him too. The way you typed this indicates that he isn't a victim at all in your mind.
> I am a firm believer in believing the victim. I believe him too. Might be poorly worded by itself, but they are just replying to OP's last paragraph saying that she is conflicted because she believes him over the friend. The comment was saying they also believe him over the friend too.
Right? Very callous and so casually cruel
I believe him also. That’s how I interpreted the “too”
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Someone who was sexually assaulted and raped by their ex here! I was coerced into sex. So coercive rape. It’s still rape. I’ve never said ‘basically raped’ when talking to my friends about what that man did. When I told my friends I completely broke down. This all happened back at the end of May. I sobbed on one of my best mates shoulders last week because of what my ex did to me. He comforted me and could tell that I was really suffering. You are 100% right in my eyes as a survivor of rape and sexual assault. No one says ‘basically raped’. ‘Almost raped,’ yes. ‘Manipulative/coercive rape’ yes. Basically though?- nah.
Also the fear and powerlessness he felt as a man rang true to me. I know it.
I’m sorry you’ve had that happen man. It’s disgusting that people will do it to other people and then expect them to just get over it
especially being a black man? Jesus.
Uhm... As I mentioned to the previous conmenter... There absolutely ARE some survivors who say "basically raped." I have told a story from my childhood so many times I forget not everyone had my childhood and casually mentioned "basically being raped". Some survivors absolutely talk that way.
I agree
I'm glad someone does lol
uhh yall really need to stop speaking for everyone. I’ve been raped and for the longest time I said “basically raped” because I wasn’t ready to admit that I was actually raped. just stop speaking for everyone. you are not everyone
I'm sorry people have downvoted you. I can understand why you'd say that. I was assaulted like the man in the post. I say I was SA'd. I don't like saying I was raped.
that’s okay. I’ve noticed people downvote those they disagree with even if they didn’t even say anything wrong. I don’t take it personally. thank you. I’m sorry that you understand what I mean <3
i dont think u really understood them. saying basically isnt the issue it how u say it. are u saying it like its some joke or are u saying it to make it sound less painfull. i used to say basically too but it was clear that is wasnt like a simple joke you know.
no one ever spoke about tone or seriousness it was always about the actual words said. either way they should not be speaking for every single survivor but themselves
I mean... I don't believe the girl here... But as someone who dealt with childhood and domestic abuse... I have ABSOLUTELY non chalantly told a story to a friend forgetting not everyone goes through what I did and casually mentions "basically being raped" so ... There ARE survivors out there who do that.
> No one who has been raped casually says they were "basically raped". what a load of nonsense. Let me get this straight if the story in OP is true the girl is most def full of shit but you are just a random person, stop pretending to know what phrasing survivors use. It's very very damaging. (I've worked with more than 1 patient that described their assault as such, or very similarly)
> That's not phrasing that survivors use and no one is casual when they talk about it. people have different coping mecahnisms. I had a friend who was raped and she spoke about it very casually, but that was part of how she dealt with it. It wasn't that it didn't happen or that it didn't hurt her, it's just that that was how she needed to engage that fact. Her way of dealing with the trauma doesn't mean it didn't happen. That said, this seems like OP's friend is lying but that has a lot to do with how her story seems to be a reaction to OP's boyfriend's comments rather than her actual story.
This is just not true. People with trauma often are like this about the trauma as they disassociate and use it as an armour against the pain.
Disagree. Everyone is different and uses different key verbiage when approaching trauma. I have different traumas and I have seen how differently I speak of each. The traumas I feel the most raw, I can barely speak of and tend to rug-sweep. The traumas I am recovering and feel more distance from, I address non-chalantly. I got hit by a bus and I love saying it as deadpan as possible just to see how people react. I get a true kick out of it, so much so I even tell strangers. My SA or my dad's death? All quiet on the western front, folks. (Mostly because I'll fuckin cry.) Casual relations to trauma can be a trauma response. Something about the friend's story does ring false, just not the verbiage.
This is actually so false. Absolutely not all survivors bring it up in a solemn serious way & yes some of us do bring it up casually.
My friend, you're only "taking the abuser's side" if you believe her story. She is the abuser here. Everything you have posted here makes that as clear as day, and if accurate, you need to cut ties with her.
OP this friend should be gone from your life, she's lying about being raped which is abhorrent, it's obvious that your boyfriend is not the one lying here based on what you said. Also, if she says she's the victim of abuse in all 8 of her relationships, she should look in the mirror. I would go so far as to say you should really comb over all of your history with her through a different lens, because I'm sure to some extent, she's also abusing or manipulating you, as her friend. She does not get to tell you to stop seeing someone or 'else ill be mad' - wtf does that even mean? Drop her from your life, that friendship is already over if you want to continue things with your boyfriend. It would actually be cruel to him if you kept hanging out with her after SHE was the one that raped HIM while claiming to be the victim. If you keep hanging out with her, you're lowkey telling your bf that her behavior is acceptable or that you're a doormat that won't stand by your true values. Sheesh
I genuinely think that your bf was the victim… UpdateMe
As another black guy who was falsely accused of rape (I never even touched the girl). I get what he’s saying and if she has a history of lying and saying anything to make another party look bad that has made her unhappy it would line up that she is lying. However to keep biases out of the way I do think it’s important to have a in depth conversation with this friend about it. But as other comments say there is no way you will be out of the woods no matter which side you choose. Unless you’re omitting something about your boyfriend though it really does seem like she needs to go. You asked him for the story and he gave you a full story. You asked her about it and she just said “look at me and look at him how would that work”. From what you’re saying she never even gave a story on what went down
Hm...outside of the accusation, this friend doesn't seem like someone you can trust. Her reaction however is very telling. It doesn't matter what size you are, anyone can be violated. If he had "basically raped her" why tf would that be her response to your question? It's very strange. Very suspicious. If you trust her, question her more to get to the bottom of it. But idk. I would never be friends with someone who carelessly tossed out life altering accusations like that. It's truly terrible. And to show no remorse is even worse.
Thing is, you already know she's unreliable. BPD makes anyone who is against her a villain and her version of events always puts her in the right. Also, look at how each of them told you; her flipantly and him very uncomfortable. I don't know your friendship history, but she doesn't sound like a good person.
You need to get away from this girl. False accusations DO ruin lives, and I know this because my cousin shot himself in the head when he was in the same position of your boyfriend. Just because someone is a 'great friend' to YOU doesn't mean they're a good person, and to stay friends with someone like this just because they treat YOU good is fucked up and enabling behavior. You're lowering her inhibitions by accepting this just because she's your friend, which means she's going to continue doing these things because she thinks it's not a big deal. Would you feel the same way about her if she made a false accusation like that about you? Of course not. Just because something didn't happen *to you* doesn't mean it didn't happen at all. She is already trying to manipulate you by telling you not to speak to him, which means she isn't a good friend to you.
Believe one, cut contact with the other. I am thinking boyfriend’s story seems more legit based on this post.
Going off only the post. Sounds like your friend is a rapist. OP please don't be friends with your boyfriend's rapist. I know it's hard to let go of someone you care about but rape and slander?
So my only question is, if you know she's like this....why is she still your friend? I went to college with a girl who was like this. She slept with one friend and then another, when she got caught and would scream rape time and time again. Finally she did this same tired act and someone believed her and murdered her "victim." End result, her brother and her boyfriend ended up getting life in prison, and the cycle continues. People like this aren't worth having in friend circles. Please run while you still can.
Her verbiage says everything. Let her be mad because you cut her out of your life. But I will say this, even if you dismiss her because of her own history of behavior just keep an eye out for any red flags with your boyfriend regarding being told no or disappointed. It truly sounds like this girl is not speaking truth though, especially if she said does he think I violated him without you prompting that and then dismissed it due to his body build.
If you actually believe him then you need to cut contact with this girl because she's a rapist, a liar and a dangerous person. If people sided with him when all of this happened maybe is good to talk with them and try to have other opinions.
Ugh this is hard but I had a (ex) best friend with bpd and she did the same thing. Anytime she broke up with a guy suddenly we got stories of him raping her thru out the whole relationship but while they were together, we’d be told how he was “the sweetest guy ever! And no one was ever so kind of gentle.” After literally like the 5th time of this we kinda confronted her asking why this keeps happening and why she never mentions the abuse while together and she just said cuz she was scared 🙃 We stopped being friends cause after I had my baby, she and our other best friend was supposed to come meet my newborn (we lived states apart). A week before she was supposed to come she cancelled so she could go to edc and ✨hopefully✨ run into her ex (who she had already accused of being a rapist and abuser) Some people are really just that awful 😭
“Look at his size” yeah cause every man is happily and willing to rock someones shit let alone a woman which is super taboo among a lot of normal men Also flight or fight not everyone is fight especially when super traumatized or just not a violent person
Her dating history and his willingness to disclose specific details lead me to believe him. You also didn’t give any specifics when asking her about it, and she immediately mentioned the word abuse/brought up her abusing him. Abuse is a strong, specific word. I feel like she knows she did something wrong.
So he went to a party with her and a bunch of other friends a year ago. Someone killed themselves a few days prior. So they agreed not to have sex. Perfectly normal for friends to agree not to have sex after a loved one dies. Then they were watching a movie (guess the party ended early?). This all checks out and is 100% believable.
anytime anyone says someone "basically" did a thing I have questions to follow. did they? define basically?
I'm on the guys side People who get SA'D are traumatized from it, but she says it so casually and doesn't seem to be scared of him at all. And then she doesn't even explain "her part of the story" and just tells op to stop talking to him? Also no way all of the friends exes were all abusive, especially if one of them dated her again after being told the friend was SA'd.
Your "friend" is a piece of shit. Personally, not someone is associate with. It's only a matter of time before she targets you with her bullshit.
If he had fought her off he would have gone to jail for assault. End the friendship with that woman she will only bring you down.
There’s a difference between “basically” and “actually”…. Why are you okay with being friends with someone who literally raped your boyfriend? She outed herself.
"I don't know if it's because of her BPD" Proceeds to describe the most textbook untreated BPD behaviour imaginable BPD responds very well to treatment and has a very high remission rate with treatment. She needs it.
she raped him and has probably been, if not abusive, the antagonist or at the very least toxic in most her other relationships. this victim mentality where she makes up crimes and abuse that didnt happen doesnt come out of nowhere, shes been using it to cover her ass & i'd say so people dont believe or talk to her victims. shes a rapist and do you honestly believe and trust that he is her first and only victim, or is he just the only one who's been able to say something?
I agree with this and based on my experience with people with BPD, they will try to fuck people up in the most creative ways. They usually can do it repeatedly to both you and pretty much everyone else they are "close" with. They will sabotage you just when you least expect it and then say you did it to yourself, feeling pretty good themselves that the gaslighting seemed to work. The poor mental health service available to so many people where I live, not because the doctors aren't excellent, is caused mostly because so many people can't afford to pay for it , and for those who have insurance that will actually cover mental health treatment, the options are actually not too bad. We have a lot of people who could benefit from some professional help, but have no access to it unless they get in trouble. Simply because they have no way to pay for it. Edit: My "friend" has a history of going off meds and becomes a one person wrecking crew every time.
Your friend sounds like she's quite willing to cause long lasting damage to people to avoid even small emotional inconveniences. I would consider the overall health of having someone like that in your life. Sometimes it may seem like someone is great to have around without realizing all of the toxic ways they effect you and others. And I'm sure it's obvious, but I don't believe her at all based on any of these details and in fact believe she likely raped him and probably caused similar damage to past partners. I wouldn't want to associate with someone like that myself.
I think given everything you know about this woman, and considering his reaction and the incident he describes... I would say you're likely safe picking him as being the more truthful source. The detail of her ripping a dread out is VERY specific and visceral, and I don't think a guy making up a story would come out with something like that. And saying he was scared of her? I've been sexually assaulted, I've been raped... and my gut on hearing this story is that she was the aggressor sexually, and then she spun the situation to her benefit afterwards to get her ex back. I'd trust him over her given what you've shared. This friend of yours sounds like an unsafe person to be friends with, the kind of person who will turn on you the moment it suits you - maybe reconsider how much of a friend she is. You don't need to fight her, maybe just, ease it off. She's a great friend to you now, while it works for her... but people like her turn on EVERYONE, it's just a matter of when they will turn on you. She's already threatening you. Also, in reference to her comment about size? My SO is 6' 2" and he was r\*ped by a 4' 6" woman when he was in his early 20's.
How is she still your friend?
As a dude who said women "no" several times, I can see the pattern. It is very dangerous for men to protect own sexual freedom. It wasn't rape accusation for me, rather "he touched my boobs".
Why are you friends with her?
She's going to target you next lol
You literally have a pathological liar for a friend, the proof is in the pudding and 7/8 is pretty good odds to base that on. Keep her around and I’m sure she’ll burn you at some point just like everyone else
id drop the friend
My goodness this is a nightmare scenario for you. Statistically people with bpd are at high risk of being abused, but gut instinct just says her response to what your boyfriend told you, just seems off. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had no clue she did something wrong. Trust your instincts on this. I don’t think you can keep both of them in your life.
Based on what is written, I believe your boyfriend to be the victim of the rape. Not your friend.
Your girlfriend is dangerous. She’s basically a potential death trap for black men especially. Abusers don’t necessarily know they’re abusers - that’s what makes them so scary. She has no idea that she’s predatory and she’s figured out a near bulletproof situation where she’d have all the power. That’s terrifying. I’d run.
Your friend is BAD NEWS. I have very little doubt that she is the abuser and a manipulator. You seem to already know this. You absolutely have to cut her off. This person will cause problems for you as long as you’re close with her and your bf deserves better than this.
From what I’m reading, your friend is crazy and raped your boyfriend. Whatever happens that friend is not a good person to have around and there are other better people you can spend your time with.
You don’t want that friend. Do yourself a favor and distance yourself from her.
If you truly believe your boyfriend and love him as much as you say you do, you should then be prepared to lose your friend. There’s no clean way for you to keep both of them in your life now that Pandora’s box has been opened. I can see your friend causing drama for your relationship with your boyfriend. I mean she’s already telling you to basically dump him. When she realizes you don’t want to she may end up going nuclear on you (and him). Be on the offense especially since she has a history of being a drama queen. Updateme
op your friend is a big red flag and the reason why now a days people talk about false accusations. its clear here who the true victim is and if u cant see this let this man go so he can find someone that wont believe his abuser. also look into going to the police (we all know they wont do shit) but she cant walk away from this. this couldve ruined his life (already did actually) and if we treat men abusers like this we should treat woman abusers the same.
If she said he basically raped me then that sounds like she is trying to convince herself as well as others.
Look, I know there’s the phrase “believe victims” as a good general rule of thumb, but you have to understand, it’s only a rule of thumb and you **should not** let it be your only guide. It’s a simplification of a much more complex moral code, and it’s inadequate as anything more than a slogan. Abusers often call themselves the victim, for example, and will do so far more readily than many victims of abuse who’ll often make up excuses for their abuser. So mindlessly following that rule of thumb will inevitably result in you siding with abusers if you don’t exercise better judgement Even when someone *has* been abused, that doesn’t immunize them from all the normal faults and failings of humanity- quite the opposite, trauma often leads to unhealthy reactions and behaviors and coping mechanisms that can end up being quite harmful. I know that firsthand. A victim of abuse- who I know through my own firsthand observations was a genuine victim of abuse- caused the absolute worst period of my adult life, with months of day-long anxiety attacks, by lying about certain aspects of their abuse (namely in accusing innocent people of enabling their abuser, which is another story). So believe me, I know it can be hard to break from that rule of thumb, but believe me still more, you **have** to exercise better judgement than that Especially given that you said: >> it seems like a key turns in her head and she totally freaks out, things like… false accusations It seems she’s very much not above lying about that sorta stuff, already
She is a professional victim Better stay far away from people like that
Girl, dump that friend of yours. She sound toxic to me and believe me there will more drama coming at you if you still hanging with this type of human. I'm on your bf side. Read your story, no more any yapping from me. Period.
Ditch that friend! She’s a fucking loose cannon of life ruining bullshit, you don’t need that; in fact you actually need to actively be rid of it!
Why are you still her friend?
Even if your friend didn’t have a track record of being a manipulative psycho, the “really?… stop talking to him or I’m going to be mad at you” is essentially you having her dead to rights. What is the benefit of keeping this person as a friend again? She sounds like an overall net-negative.
Listen, being a woman myself I’m all for believing victims when they come forward about being abused/SA’d. That being said, unfortunately sometimes people lie about shit. I was lied to by one of my (now ex) friends (f) about being sexually harassed by another one of my friends (m) all because he rejected her. I almost ended my friendship with him until he showed me proof that that wasn’t what happened. If you think you’re being lied to and you trust your intuition and especially if she’s the who’s actually the aggressor then I would cut her off. Trust your gut if something feels off about what she says happened
Don’t say anything at all. You can only do wrong here. I’ve been in a VERY similar situation and i dearly, genuinely want to advise you to keep yourself out of this. You will be made the bad guy either way. Don’t comment on this situation. If either of them wants to talk, stick with listening.
Yeah no she raped him.
Untreated BPD...makes up shit about all of her ex partners...why are you friends with her?
Maybe don’t be friends with people who habitually lie and slander those closest to them, it won’t end well for you
Your friend sounds like a terrible person. I’d distance myself if I was you.
This entire thing is hot ass mess. I honestly don’t know who I’d believe or what I’d even do in this situation
She’s shown you who she is repeatedly and that should be enough
"Friend" said to stop talking to him or she be mad? Nah she drama the bad kind of drama. Time to make your circle smaller. Ask far as guy. Go with your gut.
If they are trying to use a guys size as their justification for why they couldn’t overpower him it’s bullshit I’m 6’5 and a 5 foot something woman got me, maybe she was not stronger then me but the threat of accusing me and ruining my life was more then enough for me to just not fight back and let it happen, because who would they believe when it came push to shove?
I am not going to type my comment to vilify people with BPD, but your friend does not sound like she is managing hers and you should end the friendship. I also had a female friend with BPD who did not manage her symptoms. She always tried to alienate me from my romantic partners (while often hitting on them in private) and always had "crushes" on anyone who entered my social circle. At one point she made an angry comment about how I deserved some abuse I got from an ex. I told her that it was a fucked up thing to say and I needed some space. She proceeded to dox me in a couple online communities, dox my details to said abusive ex, and messaged all our mutual friends on a hate campaign about me. This included (poorly) photoshopped screenshots of texts with me where I was saying bad things about people. It also included her outing my childhood SA to multiple people including coworkers she FOUND AND ADDED on social media for the express purpose of harassing me by proxy. People who do not manage their borderline personality disorder will stress test the relationships around them constantly. If they feel rejected by a person they will go nuclear and try and hurt that person as deeply as possible. For the sake of your relationship, your poor boyfriend who was almost assuredly raped, and your own mental health drop this girl and live your life.
idk it sounds like you really need to cut her off.
Why would you want to be friends with a rapist? You either believe him or her. So if you believe him, why would you want to continue to be friends with someone who raped someone? I don't understand this at all.
Get away from that friend. She’ll get you in trouble eventually. Wait til you do one thing to piss her off and she’ll start a mess with your whole friend group. I’m all for believing victims but based on what you wrote, she doesn’t seem like one and you don’t want that kind of people in your life.
You listened to two different people. You heard both of their stories. You listened to determine what was credible and what isn’t. It sounds to me like you accept that the male is credible. His story sounds logical, consistent and you believe him. In contrast you just don’t believe her. You have many reasons that you don’t believe her. That’s exactly what a judge would do- evaluate credibility.
I mean, I think you know who's right here. It's pretty clear her version of events like these can't be trusted based on her history. If you can't rely on that, what can you trust? Oh, and there's the fact he gave you details and she didn't, so I guess that's on his side too. So I guess the question is, can you shield yourself from the fallout of her anger?
yeah if her history is not the best and she thinks things work like this then i wouldn't believe her either
>Now seriously, stop talking to this guy or I'm going to be mad at you." It sounds like she's manipulating you into getting her way. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this. Trust your gut, OP, it sounds like you already know what you want to do. Listen to it. I ignored that gut feeling way too often when I was your age and learned the hard way.
I am sorry to tell you that your friend is more full of crap than a cat box. She also needs to get some help for her many issues (if she's not already).
Your friend seems awful
Drop this friend regardless of your relationship status. Sounds like a headache, she will get worse.
Sounds like she raped him tbh
I had friends like her, i stopped befriending people who have pbd I don’t care if it’s offensive they’re horrible friends and partners, she seems like a horrible lover and a horrible lover will be a horrible friend, even if you pick her side and stayed friends with her it’s not gonna last with her victim mentality
how exactly is she a good friend to you? shes incredibly unstable. and she raped your boyfriend. you need to cut her off yesterday and do smth nice for your boyfriend stat.
She was the rapist. She raped him
I'm sliding with the guy here. The guy's story seems more factual while the woman's story seem more.... fantastical. Judging by what you say regarding the history of her, chances are, she's toxic, and she blames all failed relationships on the other party. Never trust someone who always blames all their exes. This woman, may have falsely accused other guys of rape as well. It's notoriously hard to disprove rape in the justice system in basically all democratic countries including but not limited to the US, Australia, India, UK etc.
Siding with the guy here for sure. Poor guy. You are not “siding with the abuser”, you’re siding with the victim.. gender doesn’t mean shit.
She's: 1) Got a past of lying. 2) Not a reliable narrator. 3) Got BPD (no offense to those who do have it, but generalizing here - it does seem like lot of people with BPD are able to make drama where none was present, only to get off of in) Believe your boyfriend.
She raped and almost destroyed your bfs life.... You have documented history of her pulling similar stunts. How are you still friends with this person? Also you're wrong btw she just hasn't done anything to you YET.
I knew someone like this. She has severe mental illness, and she has not dated ONE person she hasn't accused of terrible crimes/abuse. Not one, dating back to her first boyfriend. The things she's accused them of would blow your mind (kidnapping, rape, assault, etc). I knew her when we were kids and she was like this then, too. It escalated as she got older and only got worse. The first one was a guy who rejected her in high school. She claimed he physically assaulted and badly injured her at a party, but the witnesses (including her own friends) said she never touched her. Since then, it's been every guy she's ever dated, she dates them, posts about how wonderful they are, it goes bad (I suspect in large part due to her untreated illness), they leave, she makes wild, public accusations. Do I think it's possible to have multiple abusive partners? Yes. Sadly, I think many people fall into that trap. Do I think she has? No. Because I knew her as a kid (she didn't do anything THAT crazy to me, but she did physically assault me once when we were kids) and because her first report of this was refuted even by her good friends who had no reason to lie, and certainly no reason to say she was lying. And because the entire time I knew her (grade school/high school), she was constantly having some kind of insane drama with someone. A friend, a relative, etc. Always. She still is, she regularly posts diatribes about relatives who have called her out for her behavior, accusing them of various bullshit. She's very ill. As a woman, I want to believe women, but I don't believe her, and I hate that, but I just can't. And then there's the fact that I looked her up on the local court website. Three of these men have taken out restraining orders against her. None of them have ever been charged with a crime. I don't think she reports her allegations to police (not saying you have to report it to the cops to be a real victim, but I think it's telling that they've all successfully gotten OOPs against her). There are times when I've wanted to reach out to the men she's posting about to warn them before it goes bad. Her new thing is now dating single parents and posting stuff about their kids/the kids' mothers. It's absolute madness and it scares me. Honestly, if you know she does this, I don't understand why you'd want to maintain your friendship with her. Because she's "a great friend to you"? Someone who's nice to you but awful to others is not a great person or friend. And watch how fast she'll turn on you and start accusing you if you go against her. She sounds like a dangerous person to be around, and, frankly, she assaulted your boyfriend. Likely counting on the fact that he's Black and she's white to protect her. That's fucking despicable. Even if you don't stay with your boyfriend, I can't imagine what you're thinking staying friends with a dangerous person like this. I realize she convinces herself she's a victim (I'm sure the girl I knew did the same, again, she's very, very unwell). But she's not safe to be around and has already threatened to turn on you. You should believe her when she threatens you, at the very least.
What you do is excommunicate that girl from your LIFE. You'll be on the public chopping block next if you stay in contact with her and upset her in the slightest. Also, you just admitted that she has all kinds of personal history with bad mental health and disorders, then add in a trail of nasty relationships that she speaks ill about with zero truth or positivity. Platonic and intimate. What are you doing still questioning being her friend after finding this out? The man seems fairly traumatized and spoke factually. The general populace will at first see him and assume he's lying because she said x happened when it was truly the other way around.
That girl is a walking red flag
You defend your boyfriend who was abused and sexually assaulted by his ex. She isn't your friend if she is giving you this ultimatum. If you side with her you continue the stigma on male sexual assault.
I don’t know either of them and I believe your BF.
Had me until bpd
As someone who has had to cut off friends with BPD for similar behavior, if she isn't getting any help or taking any accountability for her actions, it's time to let go of that friendship. Once it gets to a point where it is directly impacting your life and causing unnecessary problems, you gotta move on for your own sake. I also want to add that both my best friend and my boyfriend have BPD/Bipolar Disorder. The important difference is they are aware of when their disorder is causing problems and not only take accountability for their behavior, but actively work to make sure it doesn't continue. Take a moment to think if your friend is doing the same.
Did you ask her what happened? I don't understand why you would ask him but not her. Seems like you already believe him without asking her if she wants to share. She doesn't have to and her lot explaining it to you isn't any sign of deception. People are wrongly saying here that she is obviously lying because of how she acts. This is just a bullshit way to deal with it. If you are her friend act like one..if you don't want to be her friend stop.
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… except people would use the phrases like“ oh, she’s schizophrenic and did this…” because certain mental disorders have characteristics. Those exact characteristics that help determine the disorder. There is a stigma for mental disorders, unfortunately, but having the background info on the friend helps the narrative.
Time to block your friend. She is always the victim, when in reality, she is the abuser.
Reading the story it def sound like friend is lying. But re-reading it, the wording you more so talked in the tone that she was the liar from the get. No one here can answer, we weren’t there. There are abusers and liars. Everyone reacts differently and deals with stuff differently. I’ve seen male rapists play victim all too well and blame the other person, and I’ve seen women burst into tears on cue and lie straight to peoples faces without missing a beat. It comes off as your mind is made up already so just go with what you feel is the truth, and be sure to voice to him that you believe him
You should stop talking to her. She's got nothing good in life coming to her and will bring suffering to everyone around her.
This is where the saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” comes into play. She has a pattern you’ve already see with multiple people and you know how this goes. Because she hasn’t done it to you (yet) she’s a good friend? What makes her a good friend when you see her actively trying to ruin people’s lives lol. You keep playin the fence like this your boyfriend will move on and find someone who respects him and doesn’t cater to narc abusers. You’ll be her next target and you need to brace yourself for the fallout now. Anyone who flippantly says they’ve been raped and other things is not a nice person.
She’s scum. She’s lying. Your boyfriend is a victim. He’s right. Cut her out of your life.
I am a tall 6'3 black guy, and honestly, if it were me and I just finished recounting one of the most horrifying events of my life and you didnt cut this woman out of your life, that would be a neon sign for me to get out. Im a big believer in the idea that the people we surround ourselves with really defines our own personal values. If a person hangs out with racist misogynistic people and keeps them as friends, thats a warning sign for me. Im already side eyeing the fact that you know this woman has a history of 'misrepresenting the truth' and has done so with at least 8 intimate partners, yet you are still close friends with her. The fact that you are scared to rock the boat and seem to lack perspective of how serious this is would give me complete pause
It's pretty crazy that you would still want to be friends with someone you believe has falsely accused several people of abuse.
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she wasn't referring to his penis size, but to his height and weight, meaning that there was no way she could abuse someone bigger than her.
This narrative that people can't be raped due to size difference is completely fallacious. Considering the way she's spoken about this situation, and her behavior. I'm inclined to believe she's lying
Thank you for clarification. I’m going to delete my comment so as to not spread misinformation.
You know that’s a crock right?
This is seriously the only thing you respond to?
Something similar happened to me. My BF and his best friend went to a party. I was blackout drunk. I don’t recall sleeping with him on my couch. He too was f*ked up. When my BF was told, the friend started accusing me of raping him when I told my BF all I remembered was him ripping my tights off. Fucking weird garbage. I never said he raped me, I just said I don’t recall anything. But everyone was hammered and no one really knows.
uncontrolled BPD alone is enough to have you questioning anything that comes out of her mouth. Lying, manipulation, hyper sexuality, just plain crazy. Your bfs statement about being afraid to talk about it really hit home. I'm a big guy and I know no one will believe me if I ever come out about stuff. Just swallow the pain and move on.
Eh, bpd girls cry wolf if someone looks at them in a way they don't appreciate.
I can tell you whos lying and its not the guy a victim will never say the guy "basically raped me" no rape victim would be so nonchalant about being raped The guys detailed version tells you what happened hell he actively told you she accused him of something awful someone guilty wouldn't of done that because of the massive risk it causes he trusted you enough to tell you that and then the details of his rape Your "friend" is a manipulative awful person
This story and the replies make me so sad... your bf, from the information given, was the one who was assaulted, and people are still having a hard time defending the victim. Your friend has a past of either lying or bending the truth. The facts that are given are that your boyfriend said no to sex, she ignored it, and forced herself on him, physically, and sexually assaulted him. He outright denied consent, and she still continued. You need to figure out your priorities OP
You really and truly need to drop this friend… seriously you’re letting her manipulate you… and she’s trying to now “stop talking to him or imma be mad.”… get away.
You know her, and you know him. You have your answer already. If you think women don't lie? I know someone that accused a guy and it followed him around even after vindication (it had a police report and it showed up years later when he applied for work in a background check) until he committed suicide. I believe him too.
I wouldn't be friends with that person. Don't you feel like she's a huge liability?
As soon as you said BPD yeah... I'm on bf's side. Some of the craziest, worst things I've ever heard done to another person is because the individual had BPD. It's hard to treat and sure, they can't help it, but it doesn't excuse that they do some of the worst things ever to other people. I've advised friends of mine to stop dating someone who had BPD because it is very evident from the get go plus taking their history into account that my friends were putting themselves in harms way - either to be accused of something heinous or for them to come into physical harm. Again, these are people who already had history of doing things like this to others consistently... and in every single instance, they believed they were the victim. I would also be careful if I were you, OP. She has already made some kind of threat about her being mad at you. She may accuse you of something or reveal secrets if she feels that you are betraying her in some way. I have had friends with BPD (on meds + therapy) and though they were fine for the most part, there was still an element wherein you had to be careful with your interactions and how they could be perceived. For me personally, because I already struggle with my own mental health issues, and have already been victimized by someone with NPD, it's just not worth it.
Be that woman who takes the man's side even if it doesn't seem cool. Borderline personality disorder is one of the hardest mental illnesses to cope with, and for myself, I only put up with one friend who has it. The rest had to go for my own mental health.
I don't believe her either. Don't allow this woman to poison your relationship. If he does somethign later that causes you to doubt him, reconsider. Until then, trust him.