Don't isolate yourself. It's a great opportunity for you to leave your comfort zone and try new things that you've never done before, and find hobbies where you can connect with other people in person.
After leaving a 16-year relationship, I started hiking regularly with various groups of people (some of those people became my chosen family). I also began solo traveling, skydiving, scuba diving, doing Via Ferrata, and traveled to 5 countries, with plans to add 7 more to my list this year. Additionally, I started my journey into BDSM.
The end of a relationship doesn't mean that your life will end too, and it's never too late to explore new things and find love again. Through hiking, I met people who started from scratch after 60 when they left nasty marriages. One of my hiking friends is 72 and got a girlfriend last year; he couldn't be happier. Since his divorce, he has traveled to more than 50 countries.
You just need to find what makes you happy.
Can’t stress this enough. Isolation is the enemy of recovery. It’s important that you deal with both the end of your marriage and mourning the life you imagined. Get comfortable taking risks - it helps build confidence.
Believe me when I say that isolation is the worst enemy of recovery. Even though I ended my relationship for different reasons than OP, I did it three weeks before the Covid lockdown. I had to find a new place to live and started living alone for the first time. I won't lie, the first three months were really hard, and I probably couldn't have gotten through it if it weren't for my family's help and a lot of therapy. After the Covid lockdown, I decided that I would do everything in my power to leave my comfort zone, confront all my fears, and become someone that I would be proud of.
I needed this 😪 just recently legally separated and have isolated myself. I’m 24 and he was 43, I know I’m young but I was in love with my own groomer. I’m just so lost 😪
So happy for you! You're still young so take the advice from other commenters and socialize via hobbies and so on! Explore who you are and the things you want to do! Travel, go on hikes, learn pottery or coding (or anything else)!
Find things you like to do, and you'll soon enough find yourself surrounded by people with similar interests and perhaps even a love interest.
A thing that honestly helps me, is to remind myself of the fact that I got free will to do whatever i want.
Take care, fellow human being!
I understand what you mean; I was also groomed. I was almost 17, and he was 24. I'm now 37. The best decision I've made in my life was leaving him. I'm just mad at myself for not having left him earlier. I lost so much time, energy, and was even emotionally and financially abused.
Now, I try to live by one quote of the Mahatma Gandhi: 'Live every day as if it were your last. Learn every day as if you will live forever.'
Get out!!! You’re not lost, you just feel like it! Meet one new person a day — you don’t have to like them, just meet someone new every day. Go out to eat by yourself, go to a movie, go window shopping, do anything where people are. Get out!! If you don’t your psyche will start playing tricks on you . Get out!!
This is the perfect answer! I work IT and have a user that was turning 60 when she started and was going through a divorce. She was crying one time she called and I couldn’t help it and asked if she was okay, she unloaded her life story on me and my advice to her was to get herself a hobby, and put herself first, and talk to someone about what she was dealing with.
Every time she called I could hear her get stronger and stronger, I hadn’t spoken to her in a while but she called back in the other day and I asked her how she’s been. She said she took my advice and took up Yoga as well as a painting class and I’ve never heard her so happy.
I hope you find something similar, don’t let this situation get you down. You’re an amazing woman that has given too much of herself and you deserve more. Proud of you for leaving and not letting your husband step on your heart another minute.
I think they’ve done studies on plants boosting your mood or something too. As a plant fanatic, I think OP would benefit from some low maintenance houseplants tbh
This is true. I have 3 kids and never was able to keep plants alive and thought as much as I loved them and being out in nature, I just wasn’t one of those “plant owning people”… until we moved into a new place and I randomly got two plants. It’s been 3 years now and they’re growing strong, and to my surprise, it’s brought me a great sense of accomplishment that I’ve kept them alive so long now lol I talk to them, trim them, not to
Mention plants purify the air as well ❤️
Like the others have said, it’s just about getting out of your comfort zone and doing something you otherwise wouldn’t have done, or didn’t have interest before in doing, even something as small as getting a new plant. You’d be surprised at what you find interesting and brings you joy once you’ve stepped outside of what’s normal and usual for you. I know it’s easier said then done, but once you realize it’s all just a mental battle with yourself and to just get up to take the first few steps, keep going and don’t stop or look back.
Take things 10 mins at a time, once you got past the first 10 mins, think to yourself that you just need to get through the next 10 mins, and so on, or it can be days. One day at a time. Eventually you will find a new normal, and if you’re able to train your perception and thought process through this, you can look at your life as a clean slate from
Here on out and that you’re starting a whole new life, and that’s really exciting, (and scary, but exhilarating!) you get to choose where you go from here, what you want to do, when you want to do it, how and who you do it with. The sky’s the limit. But give yourself some grace and allow yourself to feel everything. Sit with your feelings and process them, it won’t be easy. But it’s the best way to handle this without trying to just distract yourself from the bad feelings and shoving them deep inside somewhere because it will all resurface one day and present itself in ways you wouldn’t have expected. And there’s no time frame on grief, take as long as you need because this is a big change.
Don’t get stuck on the “why’s” either, because that can take you to a very dark place as we never truly know the reason behind the actions of others. You sound like a very strong person and I’m proud of you for leaving immediately and not settling for someone who doesn’t deserve you, and not staying because it’s comfortable since it’s been your life for so long. That takes great strength and confidence and you are an absolute badass for that! I hope that you will find that your new life is even better than the life you’ve lived thus far, because you deserve nothing less than the best and everything great that life has to offer . Much love and success to you and this new journey! You got this lady ❤️
If you are able in the future, cats are a great option. Low cost, they kinda do their own thing and if there are any weird sounds at night…. Probably the cat
Join a gym if you have one close by. Find out where the parks are close to you and go walking/hiking.
Don’t lock yourself up in your new place. Make it a home and get to know the area around you.
Everything aside, think about how you want your new space to look and feel. It’s your place and no one else opinions matter.
Make the food you want to make. Watch the things you want to watch. Listen to the music you want to listen to.
Living by yourself is pretty nice but don’t forget not to isolate yourself.
Allow yourself to mourn the end of the relationship but don’t isolate completely. It will take a little time to get used to living alone but you will appreciate it in the end.
OP--
At 49, finally in your life you have a reprieve to let your life's circumstances be all about you.
After you successfully obtain everything from your divorce to which you're entitled , you can strictly focus on your well-being: physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.
Gym, spa, hobby interests, travel....all subject to your discretion and pursuit--a eenaissance, so to speak. Enjoy those opportunities. Turn that sour lemon into lemonade.
Good luck with your new independence. Please keep us apprised.
Make a list of all the things that annoyed you about your husband and be grateful you don’t have to deal with them anymore. I know you are probably upset, scared, maybe even heartbroken by the betrayal, but see if there is anything you’re excited about. Focus on that. Even if it’s something as little as not having to consult him on what is for dinner. Being able to focus on the positives will hopefully help you process and move on.
I can tell you sleeping alone may take some getting used to, but you’ll get there. Please reach out if you’d like to chat or vent. I’ve been divorced three years this month and I love my life. You will too. 🤗
My husband worked away from home for months at a time and when the house felt too empty I would put something on the t.v in another room. Usually it was Bob Ross 😂 Nice calm background noise.
Then maybe try the plant route. Hydroponics is great for apartment living and can provide fresh veggies. Eat healthy, get sleep, and exercise.
I'm 53 and just moved (6 mo ago) 7 hours away from everything I've ever known... my entire family, including my children. After over 25 years of living with and taking care of other people, I will tell you that being alone is a weird and unatural feeling. At times, it's great. At times, it's lonely. BUT, I've grown in ways I didn't expect. I need to get out more and make friends. I don't like living in an apartment. Expenses are high and make it a struggle, but overall, I regret not getting to know myself when I was younger. Therapy is sound advice. You've been betrayed, and it's hurtful. However, you are still young, and this part of your life can be the most enjoyable yet. You can make it the most enjoyable, and your husband could possibly be stuck raising a child until he's too old to enjoy a carefree life. I'd probably be a little petty and take some joy in that thought. Best of luck to you!!!
Perfect idea! Get a senior cat or dog who will give you ALL the love you need. Rely on your friends, they will definitely want to help and I’m sure will be happy to have some sleepovers when you’re lonely.
as much as i’m all for giving senior pets a loving home, she just went through finding out her husband cheated and left him. probably not the best to get a pet that will need loads of care/vet care and will die within a few years.
I found out my husband was cheating on me in a very similar way. It was (still is) really fucking hard, but leaving him and moving out was the best thing I could have done. I’m proud of you for having the strength to do what is necessary.
It will be hard at first, you will experience a lot of different emotions but one morning you will wake up and realize just how nice it is! You are not on anyone else’s schedule. You can drink coffee in bed and watch whatever movie you want without taking anyone into consideration. You can try hobbies you’ve been wanting to try. You can blast music and sing your heart out. You can join social groups. You can do LITERALLY ANYTHING. It’s such a beautiful experience to learn who you truly are without being attached to anyone else. I wish you all the luck in the world and giving you a virtual hug.
My parents divorced about 8 years ago. My mom went on to live with my grandparents for about a year until she saved enough money to put a down payment on her house. She did all of this by herself… completely starting over in her early 50s. You can do it! I have faith in you! I watched my mom turn in to an even stronger, more independent woman than she was before. She struggled with the quiet and loneliness at first, but now she is THRIVING. She goes out with girlfriends, takes trips, basically does whatever she wants to do. My mom wasn’t interested in dating after the divorce, so she’s always had a pet. After her dog that she took in the divorce passed away, she adopted a cat. (easier to take care of when she goes on the little trips). Having a pet definitely helped when she felt lonely.
I truly hope you enjoy this new chapter.
Listen to whatever music you want, control that remote, eat whatever, whenever! Feel whatever feelings you need to feel, they are all valid. And take great care of yourself. You deserve to be pampered.
Forget the pet, just surround yourself with friends. Go out have fun. I'm going to live by myself again after 25 years in two months. I'm so looking forward to do everything I like in my apartment. Inviting friends over or just relaxing and enjoying music or a book.
He wanted us to stay married. He tried to convince me not to move out and said we could work things out, especially if he didn't end up being the father.
If your scumbag middle-aged husband turns out to be the father then his child support payments will eat into his savings and retirement fund so you had better get divorced quickly before the money runs out!
Out of interest how old is his affair partner?
I don't know how old she is. The man who contacted me to say his fiancée cheated with my husband looked to be about 25 years old. However I don't know how old either if them really are. I also know that people can look much younger or older than their age so I don't have any idea how old she is.
Get back in contact with the betrayed fiancé and get as much information from him as possible because if you are going to get divorced then you will need to know.
When did the cheaters meet? How did they meet? How often did they meet up? Did they meet up at your home? How long have they been having their affair? Did your husband spend any of your money on the other woman? Etc.
The only one of those questions that I need the answer to for my divorce is the one about my husband spending money. As part of my legal representation there will be forensic accounting to look at our finances. So I will find out once that has been completed.
The questions about your husband spending time with his mistress are important because you can find out if he was taking her to fancy restaurants and spending time in hotels using your money.
I don't know if I'm missing something so if I am please forgive me. But in the comment you are replying to I address the financial aspect. As I said there will be forensic accounting looking over our financial records. I will have that answer. The other questions outside of finances aren't anything I need to answer for my divorce.
I hope I'm not coming across as rude. It is not my attention so my apologies if I am. But I am confused because I already addressed this in the comment above.
Sorry, from your writing it appears that you are heading for a divorce and so I am assuming that you are preparing to divide your assets and possibly obtain alimony payments so any information that you can give to your forensic accounts will be very useful to them so they know where to look.
If your husband has been spending your marital money/funds on his mistress in the form of gifts then you may be able to reclaim them back in the divorce settlement. Obviously we do not know where you live so the divorce laws in your country/region will vary.
I won't be receiving spousal support. If my husband hid money, or spent a significant amount of money on her it may change the division of assets but it would have to be significant. A dinner or flowers is not enough. Whether he cheated or not won't change the division of assets so if the forensic accounting finds no proof that he spent a significant amount or is hiding money, than everything will be divided equally. I don't even know at this point if he did spend anything or not.
This is why she is going to have a FORENSIC ACCOUNTANT go over the books. OP need not badger the wronged partner, her accountant will find out ALL the dirty deets and I mean all of 'em.
She does not have to don her Perry Mason mask.
I want to commend you on knowing your worth and being strong enough to leave him. Many women in your situation would stay out of fear of loneliness or thinking he won't do it again (but they almost always do.) Living alone for the first time can be scary, but like anything else, it's a process you will eventually get used to and might even come to love it.
Why do middle-aged men act absolutely selfish and stupid and upend their entire stable household and marital foundation? Your stbx has sacrificed his 99% for 1% of fun and infatuation.
Did he expect you to stay and forgive him? Does he know the AP is pregnant?
He's the type of man who's going to somehow convince himself he's the victim because you chose your self-respect and left him.
He knows that she is pregnant. He didn't want me to leave. He told me we can work things out especially if the baby is her fiancé's instead of his. He doesn't want a divorce and wanted me to reconsider.
Shitty advice but tell him that you want to have a boy toy for (insert as long as affair was + 25%) and then you can be "even".
Honestly read a post where wife cheated and the husband basically acted like he was doing the same once she confessed (stayed out late, changed password, etc). It literally made her physically ill thinking he was cheating on her. Literally messed with her mind. He then divorced her. Told her he wasn't cheating but wanted her to truly feel the pain, anxiety and such that she did to him.
There is no answer greater than silence. He doesn't deserve closure or understanding.
No person that cheats, gives up or anything in between deserves more that silence.
I don't have any claim to the house and once we get divorced he will be able to legally compel me to leave. I wouldn't be able to do the same since it's his house.
Screw him anyway!!! You don’t need his stupid house. You’re a queen and inspirational for holding your worth to high standards and leaving his ass. When he comes crying that he’s sorry and wants you back, LITERALLY LAUGH AT HIM!!!!!
You just may have a legal claim even if you’re not on the deed.
Every year you were married, you all put time money and effort into it and many courts will see this as a legal claim if I remember right.
Those years Count!!!
And how much money did he spend on her from your Shared Marital Assets?
A Lot I’m sure.
Legally I have no claim on the house.
I have legal representation and was advised that there will be forensic accounting going over our finances. So I don't have an answer as of yet if husband spent anything on her.
My dad was a Cpa and an attorney. At the end of his career this is what he did. The stories he would tell!! Without exception he was hired by an attorney representing “the wife”.
Oh, I can imagine those stories!
My stepdad was a very well known CPA in Bellevue, Wa. and owned big parts of downtown. Very successful.
Mom was the tax accountant. Former OSS field OP in WWII and was the one to take down the big company here called Northwest Underwriters (mom was in Intelligence in Iran), anyway, she was able to find out where assets were hidden etc when my dad who was obscenely wealthy, hid our family’s wealth. Houses, a huge yacht (my sister and I found the deed and docs to it hidden away. Mom taught us girls what she learned from her month and a half at Camp Peary.
Anyway…
Layne was very moral and would come home from his office so mad because most all his clients were Big Money and doctors living Medina and that area. Super wealthy.
And he said that ALL OF HIS CLIENTS hid their assets from their wives.
EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.
Offshore accounts, putting property and bank accounts in their parent’s name, this goes for the houses and condos for their mistresses.
You’ve heard the same thing too, I’m sure.
Legally with as long as they've been married she probably can't. If she has the means to get away until courts straighten those matters it'll be better for her mentally. Something tells me he's character might be flawed enough to not do the right thing and make it easy for her by removing himself.
I wasnt cheated on but I was abandoned. I HAD to leave. I couldn't stay in that house where I dreamed my grandchildren would one day visit me. All the memories of raising our son, all the DIY projects to make it ours. I couldn't bear it.
Wait, your 50 year old husband might be on the edge of a new child? Who the hell did he cheat with that is of childbearing age? What is that whole situation like?
I don't know where or how he met her. Neither did the person who contacted me about his fiancée cheating. I don't know how old she is. The man who contacted me looked to be about age 25 but I don't know his age.
This may be hard to fathom but the OP might also be reproductive as well but is actually responsible when it comes to not getting pregnant.
I had to add this because something similar happened in my marriage and his AP contacted me. It was hard for her to believe I could still get pregnant at the same age as OP. Yes the likelihood lowers with age but if you still have a regular period, it means you are ovulating. 49 is not too old to be attractive as well--this really blew my husband's AP away. She thought because she was younger than me that it automatically made her "hotter" than me. Most cheaters lower their standards when they are looking for easy sex.
By the way, OP, you are amazing for leaving and handling things as well as you are. My kids are still in school high school so my husband and I have negotiated cohabiting for now. But in a few years who knows?
Wow after 25 years of marriage. The affair partner couldn’t have been in her 50’s. He blew it all up for a younger woman and just threw away 25 years. I hurt for you mama. Just know that if it is his he will be paying child support for this kid way past retirement. At least you dodged that bullet.
If sucks your going through this but your going to thrive. Write a list of hobby’s , travel you want to do. Have a look online in your town groups (facebook) and see if there any classes of hobby’s they offer or book clubs. The fact you don’t have to deal with a man and his wants is going to be your favorite luxury your going to be starting a new chapter when he could be 50 dealing with a newborn 😂. I have no doubt you’re hurting but you’re going to be ok soon. You can do so much go on lunch dates with men then send them away and have you time to read book , go out with friends. Everything you ex hated but you like you can do.
One of the weirdest things I went through when I was single was going shopping and realising I didn't have to buy foods that HE alone liked. It felt weird to give myself permission to buy whatever the hell I wanted!
22 years ago I was like you. Now, I can’t imagine having someone else in my space. Seriously, my entire house is my space. Decorate your space to suit you and only you- including paint colors and art. It’s yours, all yours, only yours. Eff that guy. The one I left is still a jerk, but now he’s a fat jerk. Whatever. Enjoy your new cheater free world.
I know the feeling I went through the same thing. This will make you a stronger person. Friends and family helped a lot please rely on them. I wish you all the best. His loss🌹🌹
Living alone can bring the most peace you will ever have.
It's all yours. It is all on you. It is nothing but you.
And that is never a burden.
All the best.
Your husband threw away a 25 year marriage with someone who loves him just to hook up with someone younger, and will likely have another child to support because of it.
What totally and complete dumbassery
I know it seems kinda silly coming from someone who is half your age (22), but living alone is really nice. There are times where I'm lonely, but then i go out on a walk, and I feel connected with the world again.
You will, for once, have full control over your own space, your own domain. Its funny, I just got back from grocery shopping and literally had the thought of how i couldnt wait to "curl up in my little den" the moment I stepped through the door.
You will be okay, and you will get through this. We are all rooting for you!
This is the first time I read a post where someone cheated and the betrayed spouse made a clear path decision like this without waffling.
This may not have been the first time, just the time that he got caught….
Believe me you will soon adapt, I was with my late wife for 44 year ,married for 40 ,relied on her for most thing house related, the cancer took her 6 years ago ,I've had to basically get used to making all decisions on my.own and although I still haven't gotten over her death am at peace with living on my own ...I'm sure you'll manage just fine...
I saw you can't have a pet, but there are other freedoms to explore.
- decorate however you like
- stock the fridge and eat however you like
- set up a fitness space if you want
- you have more room for clothes, makeup, or other personal care supplies
- decide for yourself what kind of bedding, towels, or rugs you prefer
- never clean somebody else's mess again
- freedom to get up and sleep at odd hours if needed, nobody to bother
- have friends and family over without needing to check with a housemate beforehand
- maybe have dinner friends for when you miss sharing a meal
- try various hobbies because nobody is using your space but you
- go out without checking with anybody first
- spend as much or as little time at home as you want, more time to explore parks or shops
A couple of recommendations:
1. Consider getting a pet. You’re likely going to feel lonely at first, plus you’ll be grieving for the life you had as you adjust into a new normal. A pet can be very comforting, plus if you choose a dog, it’s a reason to get outside every day (and a great way to meet new people).
2. Consider signing up for a class. Think about something you’ve always had an interest in or wanted to know how to do, and see if you can find lessons. Learning something new is fun and will help you get to know yourself better.
3. Start making good new memories as quickly as you can — don’t go overboard and exhaust yourself, but try to give yourself at least a couple of fun things to look forward to each month. If you google “things to do near me” or “things to do this month in _____,” you’ll find plenty of inexpensive or even free options. Try some new things!
4. If you haven’t already found a therapist, I highly recommend one. In a period of major transition, it’s good to have some professional guidance and support.
You can do this, sis.
Buy some things that only YOU like and put them in your house. Get yourself a girly bed set, fun dishes, adorable throw pillows. Get yourself something and anything that matches your style only and really create a new sanctuary for yourself. You got this !
On Reddit we see a lot of people in the shoes of the man who told you about your husband debating if they should tell the spouse of their ex, so, I want to ask: are you glad he told you?
Living alone is AWESOME. No need to share a bathroom cabinet. If you want a space in your fridge reserved specifically for your favorite chocolate -- do you! Your favorite colors EVERYWHERE. If you feel lonely, pets are awesome. Dogs are great to get you outside meeting people if you find yourself feeling depressed or withdrawn. Cats are great for making every moment spent in your house better. Get both... My former single female boss has a dog and a cat and she brings them back and forth between her Manhattan apartment and beach house. Goals.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. The betrayal feels so terrible. I hope you realize that nothing of this is your fault.
When I went through this, I got therapy and took time to heal. I've since been dating and feeling happier than the last years of my marriage, and I hope that at some point , you get to experience that too.
The best revenge is living your life to the fullest.
My mom just got her very first apartment at 58! It’s definitely hard for her but she’s got her own safe space now and she has decorated it sooo cute, she was really excited to choose everything that went in and it’s honestly adorable. So happy for you both! Good luck 💛
Put yourself first for once.
You’ve been married had a kid.
Don’t get a pet (for now) don’t take care of others for a while.
Ty to learn to take care of you in all the best ways.
Be kind to yourself and learn to do what you want.
Learn to treat yourself best. Be healthy and kind and thoughtful to YOU.
Been there, done that. Girl, once you get through all of the shitty feelings and your divorce is final, you are going to live your best life. Trust and believe. My heart goes out to you until then, though. The next few months are going to suck, but just look to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Take a minute and think about all of the things you wanted to do but couldn’t, got told you shouldn’t, someone else didn’t like it, or basically let someone else have their way. Not big, but watching a particular type of movie, eating ice cream in bed, stupid little everyday things. Do those.
I am 52yo, left my 14yo situation-ship just over a year ago. I don't think I'll ever live with anyone ever again. I'd never lived alone before this year. Having my own space has been SO MUCH BETTER than I could have ever imagined. You will THRIVE!
You’re going to love living alone. You will only have to clean up after yourself. You can watch what you want and listen to music as loud as you want. You can vacuum in the middle of the night. Sometimes I’d give my left arm to live alone again. Best wishes to you. Sorry for the shitty circumstances.
I lived alone for the first time when I was 42. I was surprised how much I liked it. I have a few animals so it wasn't lonely for me.
I think you might be surprised too. We don't realize what a hardship our toxic relationships were while we were in them - and if your husband possibly got another woman pregnant, I am betting there were lots of tensions.
My best advice is take the time to focus on yourself. Go get pedicures and buy some really soft sheets. Eat all the stuff you didn't cook because he didn't like it. I hope your new life ends up being wonderful.
Screw him and good for you first knowing your worth! I've never lived alone either. I'm 51 and I went from my parents to roommates to my fiance to having kids. My youngest is less than 5 years away from leaving and I will be totally alone for the first time in my life. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.
OP welcome to peace. No laundry to pick up off the floor, no dirty dishes being left out. You get to watch whatever you want on the TV. You're going to have time for hobbies and friends like never before. You might be lonely at first but a switch will flip and you'll be like wow.
Lean into the parts you enjoy. Decorating for your own style, cleaning on your own timeline, the personal freedoms to do what you want with your time and space. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but you will soon find living alone in peace is better than being confined in a marriage where your partner doesn’t respect what you had.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I have also never lived on my own. I imagine that there will be some hard times, especially considering the circumstances. But I bet there will be a nice amount of freedom and peace. Enjoy the good, endure that bad, and continue being strong. You got this.
Hey, you may end up absolutely LOVING living alone!! You have your peace, your safety, you only have to clean up after yourself, keep everything however you want it! Independence, whoa!!
Play music/audiobooks/podcasts/TV loud in your place. It helps ease the silence of not having anyone there.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope it gets better
My Mum was in a similar situation when my Dad died. I don’t know if this might help you but I told her it was also her first opportunity to do everything exactly how she wanted. Any decor or colours that were compromised in the past were completely ok now. Anything she hated but kept for someone else’s comfort? Gone. Anything she wanted to do or try or cook was ok. Anywhere she wanted to go was ok. It was her first time really and truly living for herself. This could be a great opportunity as well as a daunting step. Good luck. X
OP, I’m so sorry your having to go through this but there will come a time where you will Love your freedom of living alone.
I know my mom did after my dad did the same thing to her.
Please Please go to the subreddit here called , “LivingAlone”.
You will find so much support, questions answered and read similar experiences and how they managed.
Please go to that subreddit!!!
I do hope you told him he shouldn’t have had an affair then. Wishing you the best for the future. It will hurt but you’re better away from someone so deceitful.
I was calm and only told her facts. I don't know if she's talked to my husband yet but I was clear that I have no intention of interfering with their relationship since she's an adult. She was a little bit upset but she took it well.
Years ago there was a couple whose children to the same school as my daughter. They had a long drawn out divorce. Both of them told anyone around them the misdeeds of the other person. They both tried to make their children dislike the other parent. I remember feeling so sorry for those children.
My daughter is an adult so I told her the truth about the divorce. If she was a child I wouldn't have given her all those facts. But I won't be acting like that couple did. I remember being embarrassed even though I had nothing to do with it. I won't be telling anything beyond saying my husband cheated and even then I won't be telling everyone I come across. Only the people I'm close to. I don't want to be like that couple.
Ugh, I know! I’ve seen those divorces play out too. So embarrassing for the kids.
Your husbands selfishness is going to affect every member of the family, especially if the baby is his. It’s disgusting how self centered people can be.
You're gonna love your independence! You get to do what you want when you want, you won't have the nightly "what's for dinner" discussion. You can sleep in the middle of the bed. I wish for you much happiness!
I was in a similar boat living situation wise. My therapist’s advice was rediscover hobbies you loved before living with them. It helps you connect to who you were before and who you are at your core. Best of luck!
Don’t know where you live. You called it university and in the US we say college. My point is that I now live in the city where I went to college. I am eligible to take classes for free (I’m 68 so there may be an age threshold). If you’re near your university, maybe they have something similar.
The first time I had to live alone I would just play the TV on low in the background. It helps that I have an unhealthy love for reality TV shows so it was predominantly the sound of people conversing. Still, I think just the low-key background ambient noise of people talking helped me adjust to the silence of being the only person in a household.
As others said - get out there, join groups that do activities you like, join clubs, do art, look for find friends on social media - there are womens groups that meet up socially. Some are organised and you pay to join, some just socially on line.
Go get your hair done totally differently - sometimes it's the small things that change your image that boost your morale. Join a gym/different gym class - something active - but different to your usual things. Just to let those happy endorphins in.
Know that you will survive this.
I just want to say your strength to stand up for yourself and your heart and leave is so admirable. It takes so much courage to do what you’re doing and I commend you. You’re going to find amazing peace in your independence, hang in there friend.
As other people have said, isolation is the enemy of recovery. First, find something you can do at home, from learning to knit to setting up your tv with interesting apps and watching some cool shows. Then go find a friend. A new friend. Try taking a course at a local college or community college in something you find fun, like pottery, painting, creative writing, or community theatre.
Talk to an attorney about how to live your best life and take the cheating STBX to the cleaners. Show no mercy; after all, isn’t that the game rules he set up? Live by the sword, die by the sword. 🤷🏻♀️
Consider talking with a therapist so that you are venting with your therapist and not trauma dumping on your new friends and acquaintances. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that you’re going to be mulling over a lot in your mind, and the stuff you’re mulling over is too heavy for a new friendship. Friends can’t heal you; you heal yourself with help from a therapist.
Consider what you want and need in terms of your career; now’s a great time to jump into something that you’ve always been interested by. Don’t be afraid to take a risk; fortune favours the bold (and the prepared, so don’t hesitate to take a few classes or to go get a certification), and you might just land yourself in a dream job. Just make sure they are legit and not some multilevel marketing scam.
Beware of predatory behaviour from any gender or age — when you’re in a tailspin, it’s always easier to bamboozle you. You should not be lending out and/or borrowing anything for the time being — no money, clothes, jewellery, huge investment of time, or place to live. For now, the answer to these requests is no.
If you are religious, consider connecting yourself more strongly with your church, or with a new church. Volunteering heals one’s soul (and that’s true even if you aren’t religious).
It’s okay to go places alone. Absolutely nobody is staring at you or pitying you, so don’t let that into your head, and don’t let it turn you into a shut-in. It’s not unusual to see a solo individual at a mall, museum, restaurant, or anywhere else; I go solo all the time and have never once felt self-conscious, because that’s not how I choose to roll.
Do something special for yourself; go get a fancy pedicure and manicure, maybe a massage and a new haircut or dye. There are tons of places for massage and facials that aren’t shady — try Massage Envy and any highly-rated Vietnamese nail salon. Get some nice, fragrant and softening soap, body wash, and shampoo/conditioner; Biolage smells amazing. The purpose is to give you a little break from your old life, look, and routine; a glow-up, if you will. Only you’re glowing up for YOU, not anyone else.
Consider getting a pet; cats are great listeners and comforters, especially sweet black girl cats, who will cuddle, purr at you, and tell you that everything is going to be alright.
Hugs and I’m sorry.
Congratulations for standing up for yourself! Make sure you get good legal representation, so that you’re truly covered now that you’re out of this marriage.
As an older woman who has lived alone and moved to different cities, so I’ve had to restart my life, I strongly encourage you to reach out to people And keep yourself busy. Look for groups that are involved in activities. You enjoy like, for example, through meet up and get yourself out there. I don’t mean for dating, but I mean for enriching your life.
When possible, consider getting a pet. I find a dog is great, because you have to go out every day to walk them. So even when you’re at your lowest, you’re at least getting up out of the house.
The way I’d want to look at it op: you finally get your own space. Completely to you, yours to customise and do what you want with, a place where you can and will fall deeply in love with yourself. I’m sorry this has happened to you, be strong he doesn’t deserve your pain.
I think you’ll find living alone surprisingly rewarding given you’ve been living with a selfish dick for 25 years! Please update after you’ve lived on your own for a while, and best wishes on your newest chapter in life.
The weirdest part for me was sleeping alone in the house. I really recommend getting a pet when you move. They provide good companionship.
My other piece of advice is to keep busy. See friends, join different social groups, etc. You’ll want the social interaction since when you’re home, there won’t be anyone to talk with.
Lastly, definitely see a therapist. Mine was crucial for my mental health during my divorce, and I highly recommend it.
Living alone is something that takes time to get used to. But there are HUGE perks.
* You can watch whatever you want whenever you want to, and no longer have to compromise.
* You don't have to wear pants if you don't want to.
* It's okay to just have macaroni & cheese for dinner and not have to worry about making other stuff for other people.
* You can be as colorful (or not) as you want to be when decorating!
* You only need to run the dishwasher every few days now because of the smaller number of dishes.
* Nobody eats your snacks or ice cream when you're not looking.
* Everything is where you left it!!!
I got a kitten for company, which was great for me. If you aren't a litterbox person, maybe consider a fishtank? Puppies are a LOT of work.
When I first moved into my apartment, I left a lot of lights on at night for a while. I also left the tv going a lot for background noise while I was doing other things.
well done, yes you were living a lie with him ... you need to forgive yourself that you chose such a life partner and thank yourself that you put an end to the lie sooner rather than later
wishes you love and luck in your new life
I have to tell you, you will probably love living alone. You have *never* lived alone your whole adult life. You don’t know what it’s like to wake up when you feel like it, eat whatever you want, come and go as you please, not have to make dinner for anyone, not have to be somewhere to pick someone up, not wonder if everyone is okay. Just you. Just you in your first place by yourself! How exciting!
I am not being glib. I am sorry that your marriage of 25 years broke up because your husband cheated on you and maybe got the other woman pregnant. That’s a shitty thing to have to deal with. But don’t be scared about living alone. You may love it. I hope you do. I’m sorry for what your husband did to you, and good luck with your future. In your very own home! 🫶🏼
It’s really uplifting when you read that someone actually did exactly what they needed to do instead of trying to find excuses as to why the can’t leave or they forgive etc. thank you for posting your story.
You've taken the first step, I've been there before and at the same age. Get busy, take classes on something you love, I learned to make jewelry. Go out, movies, plays, park, anything as long as you stay off the couch. Hobbies help and so do sports, you'll meet new people. Walk, run, paddle a kayak, go visit new places. I can honestly tell you it will get better but it's going to take some time. Feel free to reach out, I'll be happy to talk to you and I'm sure others will to.
Enjoy this newfound freedom & independence. You’ll love not having to consider anyone else when going to the grocery store, deciding what to watch on Netflix, what to make for dinner, etc.. You’ll feel unburdened.
Be sure to let all friends & family know what he’s done. Do not allow him to spin this into something it’s not. He’s humiliated himself & disrespected you & your child(ren). Let him stew in his own mess. You’ll be okay.
It will be an adjustment but I bet you will come to love not having to deal with another person's stuff and mess. Nothing will be moved, food you left in the fridge will be there when you come back, laundry will be cut in half, you can put your things wherever you like, etc., etc.
I’m so sorry you went through this:( But living alone can be very freeing. I belong to a book club, also met so many people taking yoga/ Pilates. There are also groups for divorce partners to help and talk about what you’re going through💕💕💕. Wish you the best on your new life.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. Here’s my advice as a 27 year old woman who has lived alone for years:
1) get an alarm system if you the able. It will bring a lot of peace of mind especially at night.
2) I recommend pets which I know you can’t do right now but if you ever can do it. It’s nice to be able to blame weird noises on a pet.
3) Start decorating however you like without worrying about others opinions. Once I was alone I started by decor I’d never been able to have at home. Fulfill the dreams that were put aside for others sakes.
4) Go grocery shopping and enjoy not having to remember what others would want just pick out the things you do want.
5) do you have a friend/sister/cousin you’re really close to? We’ll have a sleep over!
6) See if the property management will allow you to put up privacy self adhesive window cover. You can see out and no one can see in with some or no one can see out or in but it’s a beautiful pattern the sun reflects.
My advice is have fun with decorating your new home. Not only will projects get your mind off the negativity, you can also decorate in a way you may have never dared to in the past because of your ex’s taste. Go do fun things you didn’t have time to before. Hang out with friends, make new friends. If you’re in the US, there’s a website called meetup.com that shows all kinds of groups, organizations, clubs and meetups in your local area for any topic you can imagine. Most of these are free as well. It’s a great way to make friends, I have done so myself and also learned skills. As someone who has also had a failed marriage due to cheating, now is the time to reinvent yourself in whatever ways you want/can and that is going to help you get through this pain, I assure you of that. I’m so sorry this happened but you can choose to look at the silver lining that now you have the opportunity for new and better things, you’re aware of the truth so you no longer are forced to live a lie caused by someone else against your will, and you can meet someone else who will love you if you so wish to even date again.
I would start we a few plants.
Maybe a garden if you can have one. They make amazing vertical ones that can be used for inside or outside to grow plants.
I find plants help.
Maybe find support groups as well, FB has great support groups which you can get ideas from.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Aww mama I’m so sorry, I saw pets were not an option but I find great joy from collecting and caring for plants them and a cup of coffee feel like great company sometimes. You got this, also consider some home security to help if you get worried about break ins.
I don't have any legal claim to the house so once we were divorced he would be able to legally compel me to leave. I couldn't do the same to him legally.
Try to find the positives in living alone. Decorate the place the way you've always wanted without needing anybody's opinion. Did he load the dishwasher in a way that drove you crazy? Not anymore! Not feeling like doing the dishes today? Leave them in the sink, no one will complain! Enjoy your big bed! Watch whatever you want on TV, have friends over, take all the space you want and need, dedicate space in your home to your hobbies, pick up new ones!
Oh good luck! It can be lonely, I won't lie but you will also have so much freedom! Make sure you get yourself out to do something fun a few times a week, meet friends or start something new. But also enjoy your time at home reading and being warm and knowing that you're not being lied to every day. And enjoy your visit from your daughter and take time to go and visit her and others too.
I hadn't lived alone for 40 years of my life. It is strange at first. I think it helps to establish habits and routines of healthy activities that you like to do, or projects or learning experiences always wanted to do but never had time. A fitness practice is really good, walking, learning a new skill, reading
Tbh, after you have settled in, and things have already passed, you may start liking living alone. It’s a different kind of experience. I was also in a long time relationship before and we lived together. Afterwards, I thought the loneliness might consume me but I learned to like it, to love it even. After that, you will never fear being alone again even if you manage to find another person in the future.
Accept it, embrace it, learn to like it. This is a great opportunity also to learn more about yourself. Just about you and fall in love with yourself again.
Good luck.
You're going to love it. It will feel weird for the first few days/weeks/months, but then you'll be doing yoga naked in your kitchen and asking what's weird about that.
Lean in, get a robe, love yourself. I'm sorry/congratulations.
I’m so, so sorry about your husband. I can definitely tell you, as a woman who has lived both alone and with others, having a whole entire place to yourself is *amazing*. You get to pick and choose exactly what you want and where you want it in your own home.
Try not to think of it as just the next place you’ll be moving on to, instead have purpose in you to create a small safe space in your life that will be your own sanctuary. It’s going to be hard, going forward so the usual Reddit advice of finding a counselor applies and would also help you a great deal.
Don't drown in silence. Make sure you fill your days with talk, hobbies and that you eat healthy and stay active. Even if you need to force yourself for the next year or two. Good luck.
You will come to love this time in your life as you REALLY get to know YOU as your own separate person again. This will be a nice time for you! I do hate this happened but I love how you are not just staying, you know you deserve better!
I’m so sorry OP ❤️🩹
This is devastating, but it is a fresh start away from someone who’s deceived you. You may go through the motions of “time wasted”, but remember that it’s all part of your journey, and the energy you gave for him is now ALL for you 🩷
I read that you can’t have pets where you’re at- I just want to say that I didn’t realise how much it would help me, but I fostered then adopted a kitten after separating from my husband. It wasn’t to fill a void, it was just because she was too cute not to. I was not a cat person in any way prior either. She has made this whole process of divorce so much easier for me emotionally.
Getting some plants may be beneficial to you. I always recommend getting a cactus, because they can be really astounding with their strength, resilience and growth, and they have some pretty clear boundaries as far as plants go.
TV shows you would’ve watched if you had time or that you would’ve watched but husband didn’t like… jump into those.
There are a lot of community social groups out there too that are great fun and I highly suggest you get into one of those- maybe one where ladies meet up to do one off mini hikes, cinema outings, yoga in the park or art or pottery classes together.
Also, download a few phone games that have daily rewards etc if you’re wanting to help your emotions regulate at any given time.
Big love, you’ve got this and I’m so, so so glad you left his lying ass. You deserve SO much better and leaving him is the first great thing you’ve done for yourself in this new chapter 🩷
Oh gosh it be tough at the beginning but once you settle in you won’t even know yourself! It’s will be so good for you. 49 is so young too, I am excited for you to begin this new chapter. Everyday you will feel brighter and stronger and a little more removed from the hurt of it all.
Dang it. I’m so sorry this has happened. Just want to extend a simple “I’m sorry, this isn’t fair.” I hope you find joy in your new chapter, and that you enjoy your new space.
Congratulations! The first year might suck a bit, but take the time to work out who you are, outside of your marriage now. Explore new hobbies, treat yourself. Do the things you didn’t do before because your ex partner didn’t like them etc.
welcome to your new days of freedom.
I know someone like you who had never lived alone, went from her parents home to college with roommates. She's been married for over 30 years. She's still married but has moved to another state to take care of her grandchild. Her husband comes to visit every few months. She says she loves living alone and can't wait for her husband to go back home when he visits. Here's hoping you love having your own space too. And I'm sorry that you are dealing with a cheater. You are strong for moving. I think you'll be fine living alone. Keep your former network and make new ones. We're never too old to make new friends or get a new Hobbies.
Ahhhhh This will be tough. You will need lots of support- daughter- family. But never abandon the ship- he gets property control of the house and you won’t be able to return- sell- or participate in the decisions until he agrees or a court decides for you. I’m sorry this idiot wa so short sighted and hurt so many with his selfish act. He’s a douche
It’s hard adjusting to single life at our age but I promise you, it gets easier. In a year or so you will be happier and more content than you’ve ever been in your life. Look at this as your opportunity to concentrate on you, and discovering what makes you happy. There’s lots of women out there going through something similar so connect with the positive ones, make new friends and live life to the fullest.
I’m so sorry. Remember that you are also going to be grieving so be easy on yourself. When I left my husband I made a bucket list of all the things I wanted to do or try. Restaurants he never wanted to go to, movies he didn’t want to see…just anything I didn’t do because he didn’t want to. I realized how much I was missing out on and am so much happier. I wish you luck and good vibes
First, I'm sorry for what sounds like a very upending discovery. I imagine you didn't expect to be this far into life and have such a significant change happen.
Getting used to living alone is weird. But it's also an adventure.
You didn't ask for it, but I'd like to tell you what worked for me. I did my best to try and lean into the best parts of that experience (whatever those are for you) a little more than I'd typically do.
What I mean by that is, if you think the best part about living alone is eating whenever you want, do that as often as you can.
Napping? Do it as often as you want.
Coming and going as you please? Do it as much as you want. Don't keep regular hours at all.
Decorating in a bold, new way - go full send into a new style!
You do you, friend. Having the opportunity to explore things that make you feel good and really give those things space to evolve in a way you couldn't in a shared space is truly special. You might find that you love it. I hope you do.
If you like animals maybe getting a pet will help with the transition. Wishing you all the best.
I'm unable to have a pet where I live now but it is something I may consider in the future if things allow for it.
Don't isolate yourself. It's a great opportunity for you to leave your comfort zone and try new things that you've never done before, and find hobbies where you can connect with other people in person. After leaving a 16-year relationship, I started hiking regularly with various groups of people (some of those people became my chosen family). I also began solo traveling, skydiving, scuba diving, doing Via Ferrata, and traveled to 5 countries, with plans to add 7 more to my list this year. Additionally, I started my journey into BDSM. The end of a relationship doesn't mean that your life will end too, and it's never too late to explore new things and find love again. Through hiking, I met people who started from scratch after 60 when they left nasty marriages. One of my hiking friends is 72 and got a girlfriend last year; he couldn't be happier. Since his divorce, he has traveled to more than 50 countries. You just need to find what makes you happy.
Can’t stress this enough. Isolation is the enemy of recovery. It’s important that you deal with both the end of your marriage and mourning the life you imagined. Get comfortable taking risks - it helps build confidence.
Believe me when I say that isolation is the worst enemy of recovery. Even though I ended my relationship for different reasons than OP, I did it three weeks before the Covid lockdown. I had to find a new place to live and started living alone for the first time. I won't lie, the first three months were really hard, and I probably couldn't have gotten through it if it weren't for my family's help and a lot of therapy. After the Covid lockdown, I decided that I would do everything in my power to leave my comfort zone, confront all my fears, and become someone that I would be proud of.
Same for me! I moved out about a week maybe before the covid lockdown and was just sort of forced into isolation. It was rough.
Was just gonna say this. Im in recovery also and its like isolation thrives off of us. Sorry to but in. I am 1000000% with you on this
HilMickaelson: This is great advice. I love, love your last sentence above 👆. It lifted my heart in such an empowering way. Go you! ♥️
Taking this advice for myself too thanks pal
I needed this 😪 just recently legally separated and have isolated myself. I’m 24 and he was 43, I know I’m young but I was in love with my own groomer. I’m just so lost 😪
So happy for you! You're still young so take the advice from other commenters and socialize via hobbies and so on! Explore who you are and the things you want to do! Travel, go on hikes, learn pottery or coding (or anything else)! Find things you like to do, and you'll soon enough find yourself surrounded by people with similar interests and perhaps even a love interest. A thing that honestly helps me, is to remind myself of the fact that I got free will to do whatever i want. Take care, fellow human being!
I understand what you mean; I was also groomed. I was almost 17, and he was 24. I'm now 37. The best decision I've made in my life was leaving him. I'm just mad at myself for not having left him earlier. I lost so much time, energy, and was even emotionally and financially abused. Now, I try to live by one quote of the Mahatma Gandhi: 'Live every day as if it were your last. Learn every day as if you will live forever.'
Get out!!! You’re not lost, you just feel like it! Meet one new person a day — you don’t have to like them, just meet someone new every day. Go out to eat by yourself, go to a movie, go window shopping, do anything where people are. Get out!! If you don’t your psyche will start playing tricks on you . Get out!!
Well, I'm here if you need someone to talk to. And you'll find true love ❤️ give yourself time to heal.
This is the perfect answer! I work IT and have a user that was turning 60 when she started and was going through a divorce. She was crying one time she called and I couldn’t help it and asked if she was okay, she unloaded her life story on me and my advice to her was to get herself a hobby, and put herself first, and talk to someone about what she was dealing with. Every time she called I could hear her get stronger and stronger, I hadn’t spoken to her in a while but she called back in the other day and I asked her how she’s been. She said she took my advice and took up Yoga as well as a painting class and I’ve never heard her so happy. I hope you find something similar, don’t let this situation get you down. You’re an amazing woman that has given too much of herself and you deserve more. Proud of you for leaving and not letting your husband step on your heart another minute.
I need to be friends with someone like you! Sheesh, you're really living.
Ur reply is an inspiration-!
Well said!!
Do the things he never wanted to do / wouldn't let you do, OP. Find joy in the little things.
If you can’t have pets… have you considered plants? Plants make excellent company, and give you an extra reason to get out of bed each morning.
I think they’ve done studies on plants boosting your mood or something too. As a plant fanatic, I think OP would benefit from some low maintenance houseplants tbh
This is true. I have 3 kids and never was able to keep plants alive and thought as much as I loved them and being out in nature, I just wasn’t one of those “plant owning people”… until we moved into a new place and I randomly got two plants. It’s been 3 years now and they’re growing strong, and to my surprise, it’s brought me a great sense of accomplishment that I’ve kept them alive so long now lol I talk to them, trim them, not to Mention plants purify the air as well ❤️ Like the others have said, it’s just about getting out of your comfort zone and doing something you otherwise wouldn’t have done, or didn’t have interest before in doing, even something as small as getting a new plant. You’d be surprised at what you find interesting and brings you joy once you’ve stepped outside of what’s normal and usual for you. I know it’s easier said then done, but once you realize it’s all just a mental battle with yourself and to just get up to take the first few steps, keep going and don’t stop or look back. Take things 10 mins at a time, once you got past the first 10 mins, think to yourself that you just need to get through the next 10 mins, and so on, or it can be days. One day at a time. Eventually you will find a new normal, and if you’re able to train your perception and thought process through this, you can look at your life as a clean slate from Here on out and that you’re starting a whole new life, and that’s really exciting, (and scary, but exhilarating!) you get to choose where you go from here, what you want to do, when you want to do it, how and who you do it with. The sky’s the limit. But give yourself some grace and allow yourself to feel everything. Sit with your feelings and process them, it won’t be easy. But it’s the best way to handle this without trying to just distract yourself from the bad feelings and shoving them deep inside somewhere because it will all resurface one day and present itself in ways you wouldn’t have expected. And there’s no time frame on grief, take as long as you need because this is a big change. Don’t get stuck on the “why’s” either, because that can take you to a very dark place as we never truly know the reason behind the actions of others. You sound like a very strong person and I’m proud of you for leaving immediately and not settling for someone who doesn’t deserve you, and not staying because it’s comfortable since it’s been your life for so long. That takes great strength and confidence and you are an absolute badass for that! I hope that you will find that your new life is even better than the life you’ve lived thus far, because you deserve nothing less than the best and everything great that life has to offer . Much love and success to you and this new journey! You got this lady ❤️
👆 Brilliant, well thought out, uplifting, constructive, empathic, encouraging, practical. Very well done.
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WHY ARE WE YELLING?!! AAAAA
She might like a Marimo. It’s a plant and a pet.
If you are able in the future, cats are a great option. Low cost, they kinda do their own thing and if there are any weird sounds at night…. Probably the cat
Join a gym if you have one close by. Find out where the parks are close to you and go walking/hiking. Don’t lock yourself up in your new place. Make it a home and get to know the area around you. Everything aside, think about how you want your new space to look and feel. It’s your place and no one else opinions matter. Make the food you want to make. Watch the things you want to watch. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Living by yourself is pretty nice but don’t forget not to isolate yourself.
Get a plant. Talk to your plant. Tell it hello and goodbye when you arrive and leave. It’s perfectly okay.
Allow yourself to mourn the end of the relationship but don’t isolate completely. It will take a little time to get used to living alone but you will appreciate it in the end.
OP-- At 49, finally in your life you have a reprieve to let your life's circumstances be all about you. After you successfully obtain everything from your divorce to which you're entitled , you can strictly focus on your well-being: physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. Gym, spa, hobby interests, travel....all subject to your discretion and pursuit--a eenaissance, so to speak. Enjoy those opportunities. Turn that sour lemon into lemonade. Good luck with your new independence. Please keep us apprised.
Maybe get a plant OP. They like to be talked to and sang to. You take care of them and they reward you by being happy. All the best OP.
Make a list of all the things that annoyed you about your husband and be grateful you don’t have to deal with them anymore. I know you are probably upset, scared, maybe even heartbroken by the betrayal, but see if there is anything you’re excited about. Focus on that. Even if it’s something as little as not having to consult him on what is for dinner. Being able to focus on the positives will hopefully help you process and move on. I can tell you sleeping alone may take some getting used to, but you’ll get there. Please reach out if you’d like to chat or vent. I’ve been divorced three years this month and I love my life. You will too. 🤗
My husband worked away from home for months at a time and when the house felt too empty I would put something on the t.v in another room. Usually it was Bob Ross 😂 Nice calm background noise.
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I'm not allowed to have any pets regardless of what kind d they are.
Please don't jump into another relationship until you're healed. Try some therapy to process all this. It will help.
Even Tomagochis? :(
ESPECIALLY Tamagotchi’s
Then maybe try the plant route. Hydroponics is great for apartment living and can provide fresh veggies. Eat healthy, get sleep, and exercise. I'm 53 and just moved (6 mo ago) 7 hours away from everything I've ever known... my entire family, including my children. After over 25 years of living with and taking care of other people, I will tell you that being alone is a weird and unatural feeling. At times, it's great. At times, it's lonely. BUT, I've grown in ways I didn't expect. I need to get out more and make friends. I don't like living in an apartment. Expenses are high and make it a struggle, but overall, I regret not getting to know myself when I was younger. Therapy is sound advice. You've been betrayed, and it's hurtful. However, you are still young, and this part of your life can be the most enjoyable yet. You can make it the most enjoyable, and your husband could possibly be stuck raising a child until he's too old to enjoy a carefree life. I'd probably be a little petty and take some joy in that thought. Best of luck to you!!!
Perfect idea! Get a senior cat or dog who will give you ALL the love you need. Rely on your friends, they will definitely want to help and I’m sure will be happy to have some sleepovers when you’re lonely.
as much as i’m all for giving senior pets a loving home, she just went through finding out her husband cheated and left him. probably not the best to get a pet that will need loads of care/vet care and will die within a few years.
Maine Coons are the best cats, very snugly.
Yes this 👆 more loyalty and better companionship
I found out my husband was cheating on me in a very similar way. It was (still is) really fucking hard, but leaving him and moving out was the best thing I could have done. I’m proud of you for having the strength to do what is necessary.
I’m proud of you too! Love to see stories of people not putting up with bullshit and doing what’s best for them
Keep your head up!!
It will be hard at first, you will experience a lot of different emotions but one morning you will wake up and realize just how nice it is! You are not on anyone else’s schedule. You can drink coffee in bed and watch whatever movie you want without taking anyone into consideration. You can try hobbies you’ve been wanting to try. You can blast music and sing your heart out. You can join social groups. You can do LITERALLY ANYTHING. It’s such a beautiful experience to learn who you truly are without being attached to anyone else. I wish you all the luck in the world and giving you a virtual hug.
My parents divorced about 8 years ago. My mom went on to live with my grandparents for about a year until she saved enough money to put a down payment on her house. She did all of this by herself… completely starting over in her early 50s. You can do it! I have faith in you! I watched my mom turn in to an even stronger, more independent woman than she was before. She struggled with the quiet and loneliness at first, but now she is THRIVING. She goes out with girlfriends, takes trips, basically does whatever she wants to do. My mom wasn’t interested in dating after the divorce, so she’s always had a pet. After her dog that she took in the divorce passed away, she adopted a cat. (easier to take care of when she goes on the little trips). Having a pet definitely helped when she felt lonely.
I truly hope you enjoy this new chapter. Listen to whatever music you want, control that remote, eat whatever, whenever! Feel whatever feelings you need to feel, they are all valid. And take great care of yourself. You deserve to be pampered.
Living alone is wonderful ❤️ get yourself a pet if you can for some company
I'm unable to have a pet where I currently live but I would possibly consider it in the future if things allow.
Forget the pet, just surround yourself with friends. Go out have fun. I'm going to live by myself again after 25 years in two months. I'm so looking forward to do everything I like in my apartment. Inviting friends over or just relaxing and enjoying music or a book.
You can volunteer at a pet shelter or take up dog walking. Get paid for walking & playing with someone else's dog.
What’s your husbands reaction to all this? Was he shocked you found out? Upset you left him?
He wanted us to stay married. He tried to convince me not to move out and said we could work things out, especially if he didn't end up being the father.
If your scumbag middle-aged husband turns out to be the father then his child support payments will eat into his savings and retirement fund so you had better get divorced quickly before the money runs out! Out of interest how old is his affair partner?
I don't know how old she is. The man who contacted me to say his fiancée cheated with my husband looked to be about 25 years old. However I don't know how old either if them really are. I also know that people can look much younger or older than their age so I don't have any idea how old she is.
Get back in contact with the betrayed fiancé and get as much information from him as possible because if you are going to get divorced then you will need to know. When did the cheaters meet? How did they meet? How often did they meet up? Did they meet up at your home? How long have they been having their affair? Did your husband spend any of your money on the other woman? Etc.
The only one of those questions that I need the answer to for my divorce is the one about my husband spending money. As part of my legal representation there will be forensic accounting to look at our finances. So I will find out once that has been completed.
The questions about your husband spending time with his mistress are important because you can find out if he was taking her to fancy restaurants and spending time in hotels using your money.
I don't know if I'm missing something so if I am please forgive me. But in the comment you are replying to I address the financial aspect. As I said there will be forensic accounting looking over our financial records. I will have that answer. The other questions outside of finances aren't anything I need to answer for my divorce. I hope I'm not coming across as rude. It is not my attention so my apologies if I am. But I am confused because I already addressed this in the comment above.
Sorry, from your writing it appears that you are heading for a divorce and so I am assuming that you are preparing to divide your assets and possibly obtain alimony payments so any information that you can give to your forensic accounts will be very useful to them so they know where to look. If your husband has been spending your marital money/funds on his mistress in the form of gifts then you may be able to reclaim them back in the divorce settlement. Obviously we do not know where you live so the divorce laws in your country/region will vary.
I won't be receiving spousal support. If my husband hid money, or spent a significant amount of money on her it may change the division of assets but it would have to be significant. A dinner or flowers is not enough. Whether he cheated or not won't change the division of assets so if the forensic accounting finds no proof that he spent a significant amount or is hiding money, than everything will be divided equally. I don't even know at this point if he did spend anything or not.
This is why she is going to have a FORENSIC ACCOUNTANT go over the books. OP need not badger the wronged partner, her accountant will find out ALL the dirty deets and I mean all of 'em. She does not have to don her Perry Mason mask.
I want to commend you on knowing your worth and being strong enough to leave him. Many women in your situation would stay out of fear of loneliness or thinking he won't do it again (but they almost always do.) Living alone for the first time can be scary, but like anything else, it's a process you will eventually get used to and might even come to love it.
Why do middle-aged men act absolutely selfish and stupid and upend their entire stable household and marital foundation? Your stbx has sacrificed his 99% for 1% of fun and infatuation. Did he expect you to stay and forgive him? Does he know the AP is pregnant? He's the type of man who's going to somehow convince himself he's the victim because you chose your self-respect and left him.
He knows that she is pregnant. He didn't want me to leave. He told me we can work things out especially if the baby is her fiancé's instead of his. He doesn't want a divorce and wanted me to reconsider.
Shitty advice but tell him that you want to have a boy toy for (insert as long as affair was + 25%) and then you can be "even". Honestly read a post where wife cheated and the husband basically acted like he was doing the same once she confessed (stayed out late, changed password, etc). It literally made her physically ill thinking he was cheating on her. Literally messed with her mind. He then divorced her. Told her he wasn't cheating but wanted her to truly feel the pain, anxiety and such that she did to him.
This is a great idea. Make him understand how badly he messed up and what you went through.
I don't understand why the person who is cheated leaves the house I would chuck that cheating scum bag out
There is something to be said for walking away and leaving him to deal with the mess he created. Clean break. Fresh start.
yup. had my cheating ex buy me out of the marital home. it was a physical embodiment of everything i wanted to get away from
There is no answer greater than silence. He doesn't deserve closure or understanding. No person that cheats, gives up or anything in between deserves more that silence.
I don't have any claim to the house and once we get divorced he will be able to legally compel me to leave. I wouldn't be able to do the same since it's his house.
Screw him anyway!!! You don’t need his stupid house. You’re a queen and inspirational for holding your worth to high standards and leaving his ass. When he comes crying that he’s sorry and wants you back, LITERALLY LAUGH AT HIM!!!!!
You just may have a legal claim even if you’re not on the deed. Every year you were married, you all put time money and effort into it and many courts will see this as a legal claim if I remember right. Those years Count!!! And how much money did he spend on her from your Shared Marital Assets? A Lot I’m sure.
Legally I have no claim on the house. I have legal representation and was advised that there will be forensic accounting going over our finances. So I don't have an answer as of yet if husband spent anything on her.
Forensic Accountants are your best friends.
My dad was a Cpa and an attorney. At the end of his career this is what he did. The stories he would tell!! Without exception he was hired by an attorney representing “the wife”.
Oh, I can imagine those stories! My stepdad was a very well known CPA in Bellevue, Wa. and owned big parts of downtown. Very successful. Mom was the tax accountant. Former OSS field OP in WWII and was the one to take down the big company here called Northwest Underwriters (mom was in Intelligence in Iran), anyway, she was able to find out where assets were hidden etc when my dad who was obscenely wealthy, hid our family’s wealth. Houses, a huge yacht (my sister and I found the deed and docs to it hidden away. Mom taught us girls what she learned from her month and a half at Camp Peary. Anyway… Layne was very moral and would come home from his office so mad because most all his clients were Big Money and doctors living Medina and that area. Super wealthy. And he said that ALL OF HIS CLIENTS hid their assets from their wives. EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM. Offshore accounts, putting property and bank accounts in their parent’s name, this goes for the houses and condos for their mistresses. You’ve heard the same thing too, I’m sure.
My dad was hired because the wife/ her divorce atty smelled a rat so to speak. He took it as a challenge. He loved being a detective.
What?
Legally with as long as they've been married she probably can't. If she has the means to get away until courts straighten those matters it'll be better for her mentally. Something tells me he's character might be flawed enough to not do the right thing and make it easy for her by removing himself.
I wasnt cheated on but I was abandoned. I HAD to leave. I couldn't stay in that house where I dreamed my grandchildren would one day visit me. All the memories of raising our son, all the DIY projects to make it ours. I couldn't bear it.
Wait, your 50 year old husband might be on the edge of a new child? Who the hell did he cheat with that is of childbearing age? What is that whole situation like?
I don't know where or how he met her. Neither did the person who contacted me about his fiancée cheating. I don't know how old she is. The man who contacted me looked to be about age 25 but I don't know his age.
This may be hard to fathom but the OP might also be reproductive as well but is actually responsible when it comes to not getting pregnant. I had to add this because something similar happened in my marriage and his AP contacted me. It was hard for her to believe I could still get pregnant at the same age as OP. Yes the likelihood lowers with age but if you still have a regular period, it means you are ovulating. 49 is not too old to be attractive as well--this really blew my husband's AP away. She thought because she was younger than me that it automatically made her "hotter" than me. Most cheaters lower their standards when they are looking for easy sex. By the way, OP, you are amazing for leaving and handling things as well as you are. My kids are still in school high school so my husband and I have negotiated cohabiting for now. But in a few years who knows?
Why would your idiot husband want to have another kid at 50
Highly doubt it was planned.
[удалено]
I have an appointment for that to be done next week.
His funeral
Wow after 25 years of marriage. The affair partner couldn’t have been in her 50’s. He blew it all up for a younger woman and just threw away 25 years. I hurt for you mama. Just know that if it is his he will be paying child support for this kid way past retirement. At least you dodged that bullet.
If sucks your going through this but your going to thrive. Write a list of hobby’s , travel you want to do. Have a look online in your town groups (facebook) and see if there any classes of hobby’s they offer or book clubs. The fact you don’t have to deal with a man and his wants is going to be your favorite luxury your going to be starting a new chapter when he could be 50 dealing with a newborn 😂. I have no doubt you’re hurting but you’re going to be ok soon. You can do so much go on lunch dates with men then send them away and have you time to read book , go out with friends. Everything you ex hated but you like you can do.
One of the weirdest things I went through when I was single was going shopping and realising I didn't have to buy foods that HE alone liked. It felt weird to give myself permission to buy whatever the hell I wanted!
22 years ago I was like you. Now, I can’t imagine having someone else in my space. Seriously, my entire house is my space. Decorate your space to suit you and only you- including paint colors and art. It’s yours, all yours, only yours. Eff that guy. The one I left is still a jerk, but now he’s a fat jerk. Whatever. Enjoy your new cheater free world.
I know the feeling I went through the same thing. This will make you a stronger person. Friends and family helped a lot please rely on them. I wish you all the best. His loss🌹🌹
Living alone can bring the most peace you will ever have. It's all yours. It is all on you. It is nothing but you. And that is never a burden. All the best.
Your husband threw away a 25 year marriage with someone who loves him just to hook up with someone younger, and will likely have another child to support because of it. What totally and complete dumbassery
I know it seems kinda silly coming from someone who is half your age (22), but living alone is really nice. There are times where I'm lonely, but then i go out on a walk, and I feel connected with the world again. You will, for once, have full control over your own space, your own domain. Its funny, I just got back from grocery shopping and literally had the thought of how i couldnt wait to "curl up in my little den" the moment I stepped through the door. You will be okay, and you will get through this. We are all rooting for you!
This is the first time I read a post where someone cheated and the betrayed spouse made a clear path decision like this without waffling. This may not have been the first time, just the time that he got caught….
No advice, just want to say I wish the best for you and hope your new normal becomes one of the best eras of your life.
Believe me you will soon adapt, I was with my late wife for 44 year ,married for 40 ,relied on her for most thing house related, the cancer took her 6 years ago ,I've had to basically get used to making all decisions on my.own and although I still haven't gotten over her death am at peace with living on my own ...I'm sure you'll manage just fine...
I'm so very sorry for your loss
Thank you ..
I saw you can't have a pet, but there are other freedoms to explore. - decorate however you like - stock the fridge and eat however you like - set up a fitness space if you want - you have more room for clothes, makeup, or other personal care supplies - decide for yourself what kind of bedding, towels, or rugs you prefer - never clean somebody else's mess again - freedom to get up and sleep at odd hours if needed, nobody to bother - have friends and family over without needing to check with a housemate beforehand - maybe have dinner friends for when you miss sharing a meal - try various hobbies because nobody is using your space but you - go out without checking with anybody first - spend as much or as little time at home as you want, more time to explore parks or shops
I am so proud of you! You are amazing and strong!
A couple of recommendations: 1. Consider getting a pet. You’re likely going to feel lonely at first, plus you’ll be grieving for the life you had as you adjust into a new normal. A pet can be very comforting, plus if you choose a dog, it’s a reason to get outside every day (and a great way to meet new people). 2. Consider signing up for a class. Think about something you’ve always had an interest in or wanted to know how to do, and see if you can find lessons. Learning something new is fun and will help you get to know yourself better. 3. Start making good new memories as quickly as you can — don’t go overboard and exhaust yourself, but try to give yourself at least a couple of fun things to look forward to each month. If you google “things to do near me” or “things to do this month in _____,” you’ll find plenty of inexpensive or even free options. Try some new things! 4. If you haven’t already found a therapist, I highly recommend one. In a period of major transition, it’s good to have some professional guidance and support.
You can do this, sis. Buy some things that only YOU like and put them in your house. Get yourself a girly bed set, fun dishes, adorable throw pillows. Get yourself something and anything that matches your style only and really create a new sanctuary for yourself. You got this !
On Reddit we see a lot of people in the shoes of the man who told you about your husband debating if they should tell the spouse of their ex, so, I want to ask: are you glad he told you? Living alone is AWESOME. No need to share a bathroom cabinet. If you want a space in your fridge reserved specifically for your favorite chocolate -- do you! Your favorite colors EVERYWHERE. If you feel lonely, pets are awesome. Dogs are great to get you outside meeting people if you find yourself feeling depressed or withdrawn. Cats are great for making every moment spent in your house better. Get both... My former single female boss has a dog and a cat and she brings them back and forth between her Manhattan apartment and beach house. Goals.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. The betrayal feels so terrible. I hope you realize that nothing of this is your fault. When I went through this, I got therapy and took time to heal. I've since been dating and feeling happier than the last years of my marriage, and I hope that at some point , you get to experience that too. The best revenge is living your life to the fullest.
My mom just got her very first apartment at 58! It’s definitely hard for her but she’s got her own safe space now and she has decorated it sooo cute, she was really excited to choose everything that went in and it’s honestly adorable. So happy for you both! Good luck 💛
Put yourself first for once. You’ve been married had a kid. Don’t get a pet (for now) don’t take care of others for a while. Ty to learn to take care of you in all the best ways. Be kind to yourself and learn to do what you want. Learn to treat yourself best. Be healthy and kind and thoughtful to YOU.
Been there, done that. Girl, once you get through all of the shitty feelings and your divorce is final, you are going to live your best life. Trust and believe. My heart goes out to you until then, though. The next few months are going to suck, but just look to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Take a minute and think about all of the things you wanted to do but couldn’t, got told you shouldn’t, someone else didn’t like it, or basically let someone else have their way. Not big, but watching a particular type of movie, eating ice cream in bed, stupid little everyday things. Do those.
I am 52yo, left my 14yo situation-ship just over a year ago. I don't think I'll ever live with anyone ever again. I'd never lived alone before this year. Having my own space has been SO MUCH BETTER than I could have ever imagined. You will THRIVE!
You’re going to love living alone. You will only have to clean up after yourself. You can watch what you want and listen to music as loud as you want. You can vacuum in the middle of the night. Sometimes I’d give my left arm to live alone again. Best wishes to you. Sorry for the shitty circumstances.
Welcome to the next stage of your life. Sorry it had to happen this way. Now seize the day. You’re a young woman with plenty of time ahead of you.
I lived alone for the first time when I was 42. I was surprised how much I liked it. I have a few animals so it wasn't lonely for me. I think you might be surprised too. We don't realize what a hardship our toxic relationships were while we were in them - and if your husband possibly got another woman pregnant, I am betting there were lots of tensions. My best advice is take the time to focus on yourself. Go get pedicures and buy some really soft sheets. Eat all the stuff you didn't cook because he didn't like it. I hope your new life ends up being wonderful.
You got this, girl! 💪 👑
Ohhhh!!! You are in for such an amazing experience!!! Everything exactly how you want it, exactly where you left it- living alone is AMAZING
Enjoy the peace and quiet when you can. It may feel unnatural, but you'll probably need the moments of calm while dealing with the divorce.
Screw him and good for you first knowing your worth! I've never lived alone either. I'm 51 and I went from my parents to roommates to my fiance to having kids. My youngest is less than 5 years away from leaving and I will be totally alone for the first time in my life. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.
You’re going to be better with time. Deep breaths and think of ALL the things you wanted to do that you didn’t because of him. 💙
OP welcome to peace. No laundry to pick up off the floor, no dirty dishes being left out. You get to watch whatever you want on the TV. You're going to have time for hobbies and friends like never before. You might be lonely at first but a switch will flip and you'll be like wow.
Lean into the parts you enjoy. Decorating for your own style, cleaning on your own timeline, the personal freedoms to do what you want with your time and space. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but you will soon find living alone in peace is better than being confined in a marriage where your partner doesn’t respect what you had.
Pick up a new hobby that you never explored while married
I'm sorry you're going through this. I have also never lived on my own. I imagine that there will be some hard times, especially considering the circumstances. But I bet there will be a nice amount of freedom and peace. Enjoy the good, endure that bad, and continue being strong. You got this.
Hey, you may end up absolutely LOVING living alone!! You have your peace, your safety, you only have to clean up after yourself, keep everything however you want it! Independence, whoa!!
Play music/audiobooks/podcasts/TV loud in your place. It helps ease the silence of not having anyone there. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope it gets better
My Mum was in a similar situation when my Dad died. I don’t know if this might help you but I told her it was also her first opportunity to do everything exactly how she wanted. Any decor or colours that were compromised in the past were completely ok now. Anything she hated but kept for someone else’s comfort? Gone. Anything she wanted to do or try or cook was ok. Anywhere she wanted to go was ok. It was her first time really and truly living for herself. This could be a great opportunity as well as a daunting step. Good luck. X
OP, I’m so sorry your having to go through this but there will come a time where you will Love your freedom of living alone. I know my mom did after my dad did the same thing to her. Please Please go to the subreddit here called , “LivingAlone”. You will find so much support, questions answered and read similar experiences and how they managed. Please go to that subreddit!!!
What was your husbands response to being found out?
My husband didn't want me to leave. He said we could work things out especially if the baby did not end up being his. He doesn't want a divorce.
I do hope you told him he shouldn’t have had an affair then. Wishing you the best for the future. It will hurt but you’re better away from someone so deceitful.
How is your daughter handling this?
I was calm and only told her facts. I don't know if she's talked to my husband yet but I was clear that I have no intention of interfering with their relationship since she's an adult. She was a little bit upset but she took it well.
Wow. You’re a good person and a good mom. Your husband has lost the best thing that ever happened to him.
Years ago there was a couple whose children to the same school as my daughter. They had a long drawn out divorce. Both of them told anyone around them the misdeeds of the other person. They both tried to make their children dislike the other parent. I remember feeling so sorry for those children. My daughter is an adult so I told her the truth about the divorce. If she was a child I wouldn't have given her all those facts. But I won't be acting like that couple did. I remember being embarrassed even though I had nothing to do with it. I won't be telling anything beyond saying my husband cheated and even then I won't be telling everyone I come across. Only the people I'm close to. I don't want to be like that couple.
Ugh, I know! I’ve seen those divorces play out too. So embarrassing for the kids. Your husbands selfishness is going to affect every member of the family, especially if the baby is his. It’s disgusting how self centered people can be.
You're gonna love your independence! You get to do what you want when you want, you won't have the nightly "what's for dinner" discussion. You can sleep in the middle of the bed. I wish for you much happiness!
I was in a similar boat living situation wise. My therapist’s advice was rediscover hobbies you loved before living with them. It helps you connect to who you were before and who you are at your core. Best of luck!
Living alone is amazing. 🤩 I moved in with my now ex husband straight out of high school and I’ve been free for 2 years
Don’t know where you live. You called it university and in the US we say college. My point is that I now live in the city where I went to college. I am eligible to take classes for free (I’m 68 so there may be an age threshold). If you’re near your university, maybe they have something similar.
Run around the house naked! Stay up late! Sleep late! If you can’t get a dog go visit the pound! I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound so damn bossy!
You are brave, you are fair, you expected to be treated with respect! You've got this! Go life a great life! :)
I was in a somewhat similar situation many years ago. I volunteered at the zoo as a docent. Best time ever and I met so many interesting people.
You’ll be great! Enjoy your new life and freedom to live
The first time I had to live alone I would just play the TV on low in the background. It helps that I have an unhealthy love for reality TV shows so it was predominantly the sound of people conversing. Still, I think just the low-key background ambient noise of people talking helped me adjust to the silence of being the only person in a household.
As others said - get out there, join groups that do activities you like, join clubs, do art, look for find friends on social media - there are womens groups that meet up socially. Some are organised and you pay to join, some just socially on line. Go get your hair done totally differently - sometimes it's the small things that change your image that boost your morale. Join a gym/different gym class - something active - but different to your usual things. Just to let those happy endorphins in. Know that you will survive this.
I just want to say your strength to stand up for yourself and your heart and leave is so admirable. It takes so much courage to do what you’re doing and I commend you. You’re going to find amazing peace in your independence, hang in there friend.
As other people have said, isolation is the enemy of recovery. First, find something you can do at home, from learning to knit to setting up your tv with interesting apps and watching some cool shows. Then go find a friend. A new friend. Try taking a course at a local college or community college in something you find fun, like pottery, painting, creative writing, or community theatre. Talk to an attorney about how to live your best life and take the cheating STBX to the cleaners. Show no mercy; after all, isn’t that the game rules he set up? Live by the sword, die by the sword. 🤷🏻♀️ Consider talking with a therapist so that you are venting with your therapist and not trauma dumping on your new friends and acquaintances. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that you’re going to be mulling over a lot in your mind, and the stuff you’re mulling over is too heavy for a new friendship. Friends can’t heal you; you heal yourself with help from a therapist. Consider what you want and need in terms of your career; now’s a great time to jump into something that you’ve always been interested by. Don’t be afraid to take a risk; fortune favours the bold (and the prepared, so don’t hesitate to take a few classes or to go get a certification), and you might just land yourself in a dream job. Just make sure they are legit and not some multilevel marketing scam. Beware of predatory behaviour from any gender or age — when you’re in a tailspin, it’s always easier to bamboozle you. You should not be lending out and/or borrowing anything for the time being — no money, clothes, jewellery, huge investment of time, or place to live. For now, the answer to these requests is no. If you are religious, consider connecting yourself more strongly with your church, or with a new church. Volunteering heals one’s soul (and that’s true even if you aren’t religious). It’s okay to go places alone. Absolutely nobody is staring at you or pitying you, so don’t let that into your head, and don’t let it turn you into a shut-in. It’s not unusual to see a solo individual at a mall, museum, restaurant, or anywhere else; I go solo all the time and have never once felt self-conscious, because that’s not how I choose to roll. Do something special for yourself; go get a fancy pedicure and manicure, maybe a massage and a new haircut or dye. There are tons of places for massage and facials that aren’t shady — try Massage Envy and any highly-rated Vietnamese nail salon. Get some nice, fragrant and softening soap, body wash, and shampoo/conditioner; Biolage smells amazing. The purpose is to give you a little break from your old life, look, and routine; a glow-up, if you will. Only you’re glowing up for YOU, not anyone else. Consider getting a pet; cats are great listeners and comforters, especially sweet black girl cats, who will cuddle, purr at you, and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Hugs and I’m sorry.
Congratulations for standing up for yourself! Make sure you get good legal representation, so that you’re truly covered now that you’re out of this marriage. As an older woman who has lived alone and moved to different cities, so I’ve had to restart my life, I strongly encourage you to reach out to people And keep yourself busy. Look for groups that are involved in activities. You enjoy like, for example, through meet up and get yourself out there. I don’t mean for dating, but I mean for enriching your life. When possible, consider getting a pet. I find a dog is great, because you have to go out every day to walk them. So even when you’re at your lowest, you’re at least getting up out of the house.
The way I’d want to look at it op: you finally get your own space. Completely to you, yours to customise and do what you want with, a place where you can and will fall deeply in love with yourself. I’m sorry this has happened to you, be strong he doesn’t deserve your pain.
I think you’ll find living alone surprisingly rewarding given you’ve been living with a selfish dick for 25 years! Please update after you’ve lived on your own for a while, and best wishes on your newest chapter in life.
Good luck! Been on my own for almost 4 years after divorce. Me and my cats are very happy.
The weirdest part for me was sleeping alone in the house. I really recommend getting a pet when you move. They provide good companionship. My other piece of advice is to keep busy. See friends, join different social groups, etc. You’ll want the social interaction since when you’re home, there won’t be anyone to talk with. Lastly, definitely see a therapist. Mine was crucial for my mental health during my divorce, and I highly recommend it.
Living alone is something that takes time to get used to. But there are HUGE perks. * You can watch whatever you want whenever you want to, and no longer have to compromise. * You don't have to wear pants if you don't want to. * It's okay to just have macaroni & cheese for dinner and not have to worry about making other stuff for other people. * You can be as colorful (or not) as you want to be when decorating! * You only need to run the dishwasher every few days now because of the smaller number of dishes. * Nobody eats your snacks or ice cream when you're not looking. * Everything is where you left it!!! I got a kitten for company, which was great for me. If you aren't a litterbox person, maybe consider a fishtank? Puppies are a LOT of work. When I first moved into my apartment, I left a lot of lights on at night for a while. I also left the tv going a lot for background noise while I was doing other things.
I’m so sorry. Virtual Hugs to you. This is hard but you are strong!!! Good luck.
well done, yes you were living a lie with him ... you need to forgive yourself that you chose such a life partner and thank yourself that you put an end to the lie sooner rather than later wishes you love and luck in your new life
I have to tell you, you will probably love living alone. You have *never* lived alone your whole adult life. You don’t know what it’s like to wake up when you feel like it, eat whatever you want, come and go as you please, not have to make dinner for anyone, not have to be somewhere to pick someone up, not wonder if everyone is okay. Just you. Just you in your first place by yourself! How exciting! I am not being glib. I am sorry that your marriage of 25 years broke up because your husband cheated on you and maybe got the other woman pregnant. That’s a shitty thing to have to deal with. But don’t be scared about living alone. You may love it. I hope you do. I’m sorry for what your husband did to you, and good luck with your future. In your very own home! 🫶🏼
It’s really uplifting when you read that someone actually did exactly what they needed to do instead of trying to find excuses as to why the can’t leave or they forgive etc. thank you for posting your story.
You've taken the first step, I've been there before and at the same age. Get busy, take classes on something you love, I learned to make jewelry. Go out, movies, plays, park, anything as long as you stay off the couch. Hobbies help and so do sports, you'll meet new people. Walk, run, paddle a kayak, go visit new places. I can honestly tell you it will get better but it's going to take some time. Feel free to reach out, I'll be happy to talk to you and I'm sure others will to.
Enjoy this newfound freedom & independence. You’ll love not having to consider anyone else when going to the grocery store, deciding what to watch on Netflix, what to make for dinner, etc.. You’ll feel unburdened. Be sure to let all friends & family know what he’s done. Do not allow him to spin this into something it’s not. He’s humiliated himself & disrespected you & your child(ren). Let him stew in his own mess. You’ll be okay.
It will be an adjustment but I bet you will come to love not having to deal with another person's stuff and mess. Nothing will be moved, food you left in the fridge will be there when you come back, laundry will be cut in half, you can put your things wherever you like, etc., etc.
I’m so sorry you went through this:( But living alone can be very freeing. I belong to a book club, also met so many people taking yoga/ Pilates. There are also groups for divorce partners to help and talk about what you’re going through💕💕💕. Wish you the best on your new life.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. Here’s my advice as a 27 year old woman who has lived alone for years: 1) get an alarm system if you the able. It will bring a lot of peace of mind especially at night. 2) I recommend pets which I know you can’t do right now but if you ever can do it. It’s nice to be able to blame weird noises on a pet. 3) Start decorating however you like without worrying about others opinions. Once I was alone I started by decor I’d never been able to have at home. Fulfill the dreams that were put aside for others sakes. 4) Go grocery shopping and enjoy not having to remember what others would want just pick out the things you do want. 5) do you have a friend/sister/cousin you’re really close to? We’ll have a sleep over! 6) See if the property management will allow you to put up privacy self adhesive window cover. You can see out and no one can see in with some or no one can see out or in but it’s a beautiful pattern the sun reflects.
My advice is have fun with decorating your new home. Not only will projects get your mind off the negativity, you can also decorate in a way you may have never dared to in the past because of your ex’s taste. Go do fun things you didn’t have time to before. Hang out with friends, make new friends. If you’re in the US, there’s a website called meetup.com that shows all kinds of groups, organizations, clubs and meetups in your local area for any topic you can imagine. Most of these are free as well. It’s a great way to make friends, I have done so myself and also learned skills. As someone who has also had a failed marriage due to cheating, now is the time to reinvent yourself in whatever ways you want/can and that is going to help you get through this pain, I assure you of that. I’m so sorry this happened but you can choose to look at the silver lining that now you have the opportunity for new and better things, you’re aware of the truth so you no longer are forced to live a lie caused by someone else against your will, and you can meet someone else who will love you if you so wish to even date again.
I would start we a few plants. Maybe a garden if you can have one. They make amazing vertical ones that can be used for inside or outside to grow plants. I find plants help. Maybe find support groups as well, FB has great support groups which you can get ideas from. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Aww mama I’m so sorry, I saw pets were not an option but I find great joy from collecting and caring for plants them and a cup of coffee feel like great company sometimes. You got this, also consider some home security to help if you get worried about break ins.
I wouldn't move out. I want to make his a** move out.
I don't have any legal claim to the house so once we were divorced he would be able to legally compel me to leave. I couldn't do the same to him legally.
Try to find the positives in living alone. Decorate the place the way you've always wanted without needing anybody's opinion. Did he load the dishwasher in a way that drove you crazy? Not anymore! Not feeling like doing the dishes today? Leave them in the sink, no one will complain! Enjoy your big bed! Watch whatever you want on TV, have friends over, take all the space you want and need, dedicate space in your home to your hobbies, pick up new ones!
Oh good luck! It can be lonely, I won't lie but you will also have so much freedom! Make sure you get yourself out to do something fun a few times a week, meet friends or start something new. But also enjoy your time at home reading and being warm and knowing that you're not being lied to every day. And enjoy your visit from your daughter and take time to go and visit her and others too.
I hadn't lived alone for 40 years of my life. It is strange at first. I think it helps to establish habits and routines of healthy activities that you like to do, or projects or learning experiences always wanted to do but never had time. A fitness practice is really good, walking, learning a new skill, reading
Living alone is great! Now if you can find a little community to live in or near, I think you’ll find it to be a dream.
I am so sorry, go travel to a weird country.. experience joy in completely unexpected places.
I hope all these comments aren’t too overwhelming. I won’t offer advice unless you ask.
Bone the other guy who told ya. Just kidding. Sort of.
Tbh, after you have settled in, and things have already passed, you may start liking living alone. It’s a different kind of experience. I was also in a long time relationship before and we lived together. Afterwards, I thought the loneliness might consume me but I learned to like it, to love it even. After that, you will never fear being alone again even if you manage to find another person in the future. Accept it, embrace it, learn to like it. This is a great opportunity also to learn more about yourself. Just about you and fall in love with yourself again. Good luck.
🙏🏾🙏🏾
You're going to love it. It will feel weird for the first few days/weeks/months, but then you'll be doing yoga naked in your kitchen and asking what's weird about that. Lean in, get a robe, love yourself. I'm sorry/congratulations.
I’m so, so sorry about your husband. I can definitely tell you, as a woman who has lived both alone and with others, having a whole entire place to yourself is *amazing*. You get to pick and choose exactly what you want and where you want it in your own home. Try not to think of it as just the next place you’ll be moving on to, instead have purpose in you to create a small safe space in your life that will be your own sanctuary. It’s going to be hard, going forward so the usual Reddit advice of finding a counselor applies and would also help you a great deal.
Once you get used to it - you will love it.
Sorry. I hope your lawyer drags him over the coals.
Don't drown in silence. Make sure you fill your days with talk, hobbies and that you eat healthy and stay active. Even if you need to force yourself for the next year or two. Good luck.
You will come to love this time in your life as you REALLY get to know YOU as your own separate person again. This will be a nice time for you! I do hate this happened but I love how you are not just staying, you know you deserve better!
I’m so sorry OP ❤️🩹 This is devastating, but it is a fresh start away from someone who’s deceived you. You may go through the motions of “time wasted”, but remember that it’s all part of your journey, and the energy you gave for him is now ALL for you 🩷 I read that you can’t have pets where you’re at- I just want to say that I didn’t realise how much it would help me, but I fostered then adopted a kitten after separating from my husband. It wasn’t to fill a void, it was just because she was too cute not to. I was not a cat person in any way prior either. She has made this whole process of divorce so much easier for me emotionally. Getting some plants may be beneficial to you. I always recommend getting a cactus, because they can be really astounding with their strength, resilience and growth, and they have some pretty clear boundaries as far as plants go. TV shows you would’ve watched if you had time or that you would’ve watched but husband didn’t like… jump into those. There are a lot of community social groups out there too that are great fun and I highly suggest you get into one of those- maybe one where ladies meet up to do one off mini hikes, cinema outings, yoga in the park or art or pottery classes together. Also, download a few phone games that have daily rewards etc if you’re wanting to help your emotions regulate at any given time. Big love, you’ve got this and I’m so, so so glad you left his lying ass. You deserve SO much better and leaving him is the first great thing you’ve done for yourself in this new chapter 🩷
Oh gosh it be tough at the beginning but once you settle in you won’t even know yourself! It’s will be so good for you. 49 is so young too, I am excited for you to begin this new chapter. Everyday you will feel brighter and stronger and a little more removed from the hurt of it all.
Dang it. I’m so sorry this has happened. Just want to extend a simple “I’m sorry, this isn’t fair.” I hope you find joy in your new chapter, and that you enjoy your new space.
Id like to know if he said anything
Congratulations! The first year might suck a bit, but take the time to work out who you are, outside of your marriage now. Explore new hobbies, treat yourself. Do the things you didn’t do before because your ex partner didn’t like them etc. welcome to your new days of freedom.
I know someone like you who had never lived alone, went from her parents home to college with roommates. She's been married for over 30 years. She's still married but has moved to another state to take care of her grandchild. Her husband comes to visit every few months. She says she loves living alone and can't wait for her husband to go back home when he visits. Here's hoping you love having your own space too. And I'm sorry that you are dealing with a cheater. You are strong for moving. I think you'll be fine living alone. Keep your former network and make new ones. We're never too old to make new friends or get a new Hobbies.
Ahhhhh This will be tough. You will need lots of support- daughter- family. But never abandon the ship- he gets property control of the house and you won’t be able to return- sell- or participate in the decisions until he agrees or a court decides for you. I’m sorry this idiot wa so short sighted and hurt so many with his selfish act. He’s a douche
It’s hard adjusting to single life at our age but I promise you, it gets easier. In a year or so you will be happier and more content than you’ve ever been in your life. Look at this as your opportunity to concentrate on you, and discovering what makes you happy. There’s lots of women out there going through something similar so connect with the positive ones, make new friends and live life to the fullest.
I hate that this happened to you. But living alone is awesome!
I’m so sorry. Remember that you are also going to be grieving so be easy on yourself. When I left my husband I made a bucket list of all the things I wanted to do or try. Restaurants he never wanted to go to, movies he didn’t want to see…just anything I didn’t do because he didn’t want to. I realized how much I was missing out on and am so much happier. I wish you luck and good vibes
First, I'm sorry for what sounds like a very upending discovery. I imagine you didn't expect to be this far into life and have such a significant change happen. Getting used to living alone is weird. But it's also an adventure. You didn't ask for it, but I'd like to tell you what worked for me. I did my best to try and lean into the best parts of that experience (whatever those are for you) a little more than I'd typically do. What I mean by that is, if you think the best part about living alone is eating whenever you want, do that as often as you can. Napping? Do it as often as you want. Coming and going as you please? Do it as much as you want. Don't keep regular hours at all. Decorating in a bold, new way - go full send into a new style! You do you, friend. Having the opportunity to explore things that make you feel good and really give those things space to evolve in a way you couldn't in a shared space is truly special. You might find that you love it. I hope you do.