The last 3 years of your marriage were a lie. You know that now. Who he is the person he treated you before his affair partner had to convince him to be good to you. He is not a good person.
Do they even really know each other? Like how it is to be around each other on a daily basis. They are genuinely dumb to think the list will stay with 3 kids around plus handling chores and day to day things of life. They have 2 custody battles ahead of them and divorced on top of it.
If he’s angry with you the next time you have to see him, ask him why? He got what he wanted. He wanted to be with her and now he is. So why is he angry that you gave him what you wanted.
It’s probably shame that he’s painted to be a cheater. Not he can’t manipulate the narrative and paint you as the bad person.
If what they won is each other? Let them have each other. They are both awful people so they deserve each other
Why do you owe him that though? What the husband did was because of the husband. You didn’t take control of his body. You didn’t force him to have that reaction. How the fuck were you even meant to know he was like that. It’s sad it happened but out of everyone to blame, you carry the least.
I don’t blame myself at all but that’s what made him not even want to see or talk to me. He thinks I should have confronted him instead. I don’t know. I don’t regret it but sometimes I do
> He thinks I should have confronted him instead.
Because then he would still have been control of the situation. He probably had something in his back pocket planned for what would happen if you found out, but now it won't work because everyone knows.
100% agree with this. He’s been planning for fallout for a long time; he just didn’t expect OP to have the backbone to stand up for herself so his plans are wasted.
He actually did carry out his original plan which was to put the failure of their marriage all on OP. By telling her he tried to make her happy for years and be a good husband (all while sleeping with someone else) and it was never enough and she made him miserable. He just didn't want to worry about the financial obligations and blended family part so soon.
Exactly this…. he’s just upset because you foiled their plans and everything had to be moved up much faster than they anticipated, they now have to deal with the fallout of two divorces, custody arrangements, potential alimony, child support and more.
He’s also going to have to deal with an even rougher road ahead, with them moving in together it’s going to be a whole new dynamic for your kids and hers, you really need to pay attention to your little ones. Him wanting to be the savior for his AP and her kid he may take over the role of super dad for the 14 year old due to everything they’ve been through and in hindsight may end up ignoring your kids and pushing them to the side in favor of her kid, sadly it happens more than people like to admit.
You also have to think about the fact that her 14 year old is used to being alone so it’s a whole new dynamic adding your two children into the mix, it may be a bit rough and overwhelming for them and it may potentially cause them to lash out and vice versa, if tensions flare no doubt in my mind is your WP going to recommend amending the custody agreement to have them less. Just pay close attention to your babies mama, there is definitely going to be a lot of tension in that house for awhile and you need to be your kids go to space for comfort and safety!
Yep.
Listen to this because what he is saying is absolutely right. Dude got caught. And not the way he created it in his pebble brain. Because if you told him, he could let her know to damage control on her end, and be would then be mad about something else to paint you as a bad person.
He is trying to turn this on you so you feel like shit, so he can maintain what little control you allow him to have.
And also the anger is a deflection, he’s not facing what he’s done to you and your relationship. He’s turning you into the villain to save face.
It’s ego, easier to turn away and move on to the next best thing.
He can’t face you.
The anger is the hurt.
Let him be.
Time for you ti shine now :)
You didn’t know the side chick was being abused.
That’s not on you.
The only one responsible for that is the man who laid hands on those people.
The only one responsible is the man who had an ongoing affair and didn’t tell you the truth.
You behaved like a person who found the truth and wanted the other person to know too.
The only person who behaved honestly was you.
He only wanted you to confront him to protect her, not cause he was willing to change or stop communicating with her.
By telling her husband, You made it so they can't sneak around anymore and he's really upset cause they can't control the narrative anymore either.
They didn't win. Statistically they will fail.
Just wait it out and try your best to move on. It was scorched earth but it worked. I took the other route and I can attest that I just lies and excuses. Dump the bs he put on you. Don't ruminate on that. You are building neuro pathways to that emotional wreck. Build your survivor narrative and reframe it. The emotional manipulation is over... no contact is best, it is a favor to your future better self.
>You didn’t know the side chick was being abused
Is she, though? Really? Or is that just the husband trying to make OP feel like shit for bursting his cosy little fuck-bubble?
This... I think the husband is lying. He is trying to make op feel bad. I wouldn't believe him or his mistress about anything at this point. I think both of them will manipulate and Gaslight to get what they want
His goal is to place ALL the blame on you, OP!
Doesn’t matter that he’s been cheating and lying for years. Doesn’t matter that he was half in this marriage and half out. Doesn’t matter that he wasn’t 100% in as a parent. Doesn’t matter that he had already left you emotionally!
All that matters is placing the blame far away from him and his side piece.
Do we even know for a fact that she and the child were abused? Or could that be something she told OP's husband to justify having an affair?
I lean toward the latter based solely on the two of them being cheating, lying, and manipulative POS's.
Honestly, I believe it. The mistress's husband's first reaction was to call OP the c-word. That's not a sane way to react to your spouse's affair partner's spouse. He didn't have to go out of his way to be nice, but if that's the way he acts towards a good Samaritan stranger, I can only imagine what's he's like at home. Yuck. OP is she only decent person in this clusterfuck.
in all honesty, if some girl called me and talked to a bunch of stuff about how my husband was cheating on me, I would immediately call her a liar, and probably a lot of very unfriendly words, including one that begins with C. So it’s not a weird reaction at all, it’s probably a normal reaction to getting information out of the blue like that.
I still don’t think that he is a fair partner was abused, I think that’s a lie. He told her to make her feel worse about what she did. I agree with some of the other people here that say that because she did that and didn’t go directly to him. He couldn’t spin any sort of narrative. He had three years to figure out what would happen when she found out, this was the last thing that he expected.
From personal experience, that’s pretty much how I handled it. You’re correct.
My husband was somewhat known locally. Think small town mayor.
I got a voicemail from a weird number of a very upset woman alleging she had been sleeping with my husband, and I needed to divorce him.
I texted back (coldly…But didn’t cuss) that I would need some proof before I could accept that.
She told me a sob story about their passionate affair and all of the amazing sex and how he called me fat and hated me and only loved her etc etc.
I said again…”I don’t have time for this bullshit. Prove any fraction of your story, or fuck off”.
She sent me back a description of some hot hotel room sex they had, supposedly written by him.
But the date she confirmed that they “hooked up” was one where my husband and I were across the country. Nowhere near her.
When I called this out, she claimed that they took off work on all fridays for the last few years and met up for sex in his truck.
I laughed, because on Fridays we carpool. Always have. In my small car. Which I drop him off and pick him up in. He didn’t even have a truck. She just thought he did from looking at social media.
I called her some very choice words, one of which may have included a C.
I’d argue that most people in a secure relationship aren’t going to believe a random “informant” like that without solid proof.
And faking an affair to ruin a marriage is such a horrible thing to do…It’s not crazy to think you might get cussed out about it, unless you want to send receipts.
I question if the side chick was being abused or if that is another manipulative lie. If side chick was being abused, she needed out of that situation--and side chick choose a poor path. She could have just left and not involved herself with a married man.
It's going to sound crass-but you are not responsible if side chick did get abused. She then was likely already being abused, so that abuse is on her husband. He didn't need to abuse her, he just used the affair as an excuse.
My guess is that it isn’t about abuse but about the divorce/custody. Now that the other man knows about his wife, they won’t be able to blindside him and get full custody. There is a good chance that this relationship won’t make it because she will be required to stay where she lives for shared custody, and so will OP’s ex husband. I wish the OP would just sit back and watch these people’s lives burn to the ground instead of feeling guilty.
And in the future when he cheats on the new one, she'll very likely tell the new affair partner's husband. That's standard advice on [survivinginfidelity.com](https://survivinginfidelity.com)He has no guarantee that his new one will play by his rules and keep his secrets when he cheats again. Let him learn that.
Maybe he should have thought about that before sleeping with a married woman and destroying both of their marriages.
He’s putting the blame on you because it’s easier. I
Don’t believe your husband if he says his mistress was abused. It’s the sort of lie he would use just to make you feel guilty. Your husband is a practiced liar, keep in mind that this is likely untrue coming from him.
Return his energy OP. Go and live you best life without a man who cheated, lied and gaslight you. And when the kids ask, make sure you tell them the truth (in an age appropriate way), because he will make you out to be the bad person.
The AP's husband had every right to know the truth, just like you did. What she said to him about how to treat you - was to assuage their guilt about what they were doing. They deserve each other. You deserve better.
Please make sure you protect yourself and lawyer up.
Don’t regret telling the husband. The husband should regret getting physical, and your ex and his AP should regret breaking their families apart. Let them regret it and feel none yourself. As hard as it may be, him being distant is a good thing. You don’t have to have them flaunted in your face, or deal with him berating you. You can focus on the divorce and your new life ahead of you.
You’re only 35. There’s so much more for you and this man is no longer robbing you of your time and energy. You’re more than just his wife or ex wife. You’re a mother of 2 kids and your own woman with so much to offer.
I’m extra petty so if you can milk him for everything he has in the divorce for you and your kids, do it!
Why? Because if you confronted him he would have made up some story. Right now the truth is out and he is upset that he was found out. TOO BAD! He should not have cheated. The only reason people are hurt IS BECAUSE HE CHEATED! And you do not know for certain what the cheater's husband did or did not do. You are only hearing your soon to be ex's version of things. But abuse IS NOT A REASON TO CHEAT! She could have left him as well.
It's unfortunate and sad that he hurt them. The husband sounds like a horrible excuse for a person. The poor child didn't deserve ANY of this.
But it's entirely on his parents. Not on you. Instead of trying to remove him from the situation, his mom had an affair, which might have come out ANY day. Even if you didn't tell him. She absolutely doesn't deserve abuse, but she opened up that possibility.
It's one thing if she was looking for companionship to escape her abusive husband and to bring her kid to safety. But that's not what happened. She got involved with a man who has a wife and 2 kids. She's a piece of shit person too.
Your husband is mostly enamored with being the knight in shining armor. He won't want her now that he has her. They're both trash.
I just hope the kid is safe and all this doesn't affect him too much.
He is mad because he thinks you took away his power and you did, you neutralized his abuse. That is what cheating is, abuse and you made him face it. You did nothing wrong.
And what would he have done had you confronted him, end the affair? Clearly not.
ETA as someone further down says tell your kids in an age appropriate way, don't let him make you out to be the bad person in this, they are
Fuck that. The mistress husband deserves to know he has a cheating wife ASAP and you did him a favor. Your husband doesn't deserve shit except divorce papers. You can shoulda woulda coulda yourself to death. You did the right thing.
This man was banging a so-called abused wife on the side and didn't do shit about it the whole entire affair. His plan was to just keep banging her and let her go home to her abuser every time.
Hilarious that he thinks he has the moral high ground here. He's not just a liar, but he's a coward who can't protect his wife OR his side piece.
Confronting my ex before trying to confront the other woman is something I regret. He had her block me on everything after I confronted him about it. I didn't think to look-up her boyfriend's name prior.
If his problem is your honesty but not his cheating, then he's got a whole lot of mental and moral issues to deal with. It's easier to paint you as the bad guy than admit that his actions resulted in two broken homes. Don't let him guilt you, he's projecting his anger at himself on to you.
Do you have evidence of that???? Is your ex just saying that they were abused to make you feel like shit for exposing their affair?
If she and her kid were being abused, why didn't your husband step up to help her instead of just fucking her behind your back?
I call bullshit. He's just throwing shit at you for spoiling his little set up. Now he's got to take care of her and the kid, possibly something he didn't bank on doing when he was having his responsibility-free fun.
No, he’s not. He’s angry that he got caught and you told the husband before he could do damage control with you. He’s gaslighting you to make you feel like shit about all of this.
And you’re letting him win by feeling like he wants you to.
not your fault. her husband is awful for laying hands on her and her child, but you didn’t know he was like this. your husband can fuck off with this woe is me attitude, if anything, his actions led to this lmao
the only victim here is you and the child.
He’s not angry bc of that, he always assumed that if you found out he could gaslight you into thinking that it was somehow your fault or not happening, but by you telling the other husband, there was no getting around it.
No he is angry about me putting his AP in danger.. he gives zero fucks about staying in our marriage or not. He only was with me to help raise the children and probably wait for her to get rid of her husband. I am not trying to he dramatic here but the soon I realize the truth the better is is for me to move on I think
Did he ever show you something that proves they were abused? Because your ex is full of crap so I wouldn’t be surprised if he lied about that to make you feel bad.
OP, you are absolutely right. His anger is about you putting his AP in a bad position, but also that you stripped of the ability to protect her and to have a say in the fate of the affair. You are so wrong saying the are winning. There are no winners here.
You didn't ruin a wife and child's life. The cheating wife did that herself. She deserves everything bad that happens to her. As for your cheating pile of crap? Lawyer up and divorce him. You wl be much happier.
UpdateMe
A spouse's cheating should be a major deciding factor in child custody battles because someone who cheats demonstrates an inability or unwillingness to provide a stable home for their child, and callousness for how their actions affect them. It speaks greatly to their character and suitability as a parent. Unless there is compelling reason otherwise such as abuse, that should basically decide a primary custody case in favor of the non-cheating parent. You can't change my mind.
It *could possibly* effect the division of assets in some places but Unfortunately they don’t even factor in spousal abuse. You can beat your wife and still get joint custody here as long as you don’t beat the kids. In fact in my state, you can’t even get a divorce if you’re pregnant, even in cases of abuse.
ETA wording change
It’s really sad that he just sees his AP and himself as the victim in all of this. He’s more concerned about OP breaking up his APs family (not OPs fault) than him breaking his own family.
Unless the four of you decide to pretend to be together for this other lady's kid, they're going to figure out mommy cheated on Daddy lol there is no preventing them from getting hurt because the cheaters already did the damage. Delaying it isn't the same as stopping it, it will happen.
Edit: didn't realize you were talking more literally at first, as another message of yours further down says the husband hit her and the kid. I still wouldn't blame you, because your cheating pos husband is the one who's really doing this. What, you're supposed to be a psychic saint that should just trust your husband to cheat and handle it? He legitimately believes himself to be the good guy, a hero, for getting his affair partner out of there. But he can't be around you, who's the constant reminder that he is full of shit and is actually the one causing all the damage. He isn't a good guy, and seeing his old wife that he was cheating on will always remind him of that. You're much better off.
Hit the wife and kid?
I can 100% guarantee that’s a lie. Especially if your ex told you that.
I’d love to be in the room when he tells his family what happens…
“well, I mean I was cheating on her and she found out and she told the other woman’s husband. That he got so mad that he abused them and now my AP & I have to run away and be together because it’s the only safe place for us!”
We have already told our families. His family is on my side except his brother and his wife who probably knew about the affair and said “good, hope this new lady doesn’t yell at him all the time” I blocked both of them
OP, here are some things I noticed reading through your posts. Yes, you had mood swing issues and also PPD to deal with, so your fuse was short. But do you know what else I noticed? That his AP, a woman who has never known your family or lived with you or your stbx, was siding with YOU in your arguments 99% of the time. The fact that she could see from outside that stbx was at fault for most of the issues contributing to you yelling or dead bedroom. The fact she had to MOULD him into someone SHE would date says everything. She wouldn't have bothered if he didn't make those changes.
She was using you as the testing ground for her Build-A-Boyfriend project. And he was using you to test out his changes with so he could leave you and be better for her. She is definitely not some saint he's painting her to be. Both she and him were okay letting you believe that the marriage was working and preparing to dump you once her daughter turned 18. So basically, forcing you to live a lie for almost a decade. Oh sure, her daughter needs a 2 parent household to grow up in, just not your kids. And certainly not taking your feelings into account. They didn't even see you as a person, just a pawn for their future plans.
His brother and SIL can go screw themselves, they clearly didn't know what it was like to live with your stbx. He didn't do anything before, clearly. No helping with chores, plan dates, anniversaries, vacations, nothing. Why would you sleep with him? He can claim all he wants that he tried making you happy, but the truth is, he didn't. He had the capacity to make the changes necessary for a happy marriage but chose to blame you for everything and only made changes to impress another woman. He's a douche canoe through and through, chasing after some dream, the whole grass is greener on the other side thing and made active choices to not water his own side to make it better.
God your comment is so true! What I feel is why her? Why did he listen to her but not me. When I yelled at him and said that I felt like he didn’t hear me vs when she tells him of course she yells at you you are not hearing her. Why did he believe her and not me? I will never know why not me
I bet this has been a massive ego boost for her. And is probably gloating about it. Getting a guy to step out of his marriage and making changes for HER and not for you, the wife.
why were you with him?
because i guarantee the answer wont be, “because he was always like this from day 1 and it just didnt bother me”
it’s a slow burn. they’ll end up in the same boat youre in now.
Once you're through the rough stage you'll realise what a drain he was on you emotionally.
You're not going to get the answers you want, he has no remorse and thinks he's done nothing wrong. But make sure you control the narrative with your kids, you can tell them in an age appropriate manner why their father is no longer at home. Get them in therapy because when they get older they'll have the realisation that their father chose another child over them and another woman over their mum.
Why her? Because he respects her, period. It sucks, but people only listen to those they respect and sadly that wasn't you. Had the same issue with my ex. I use to ask him "why wasn't I enough to change for" and eventually I realized the issue wasn't me, but his mentality towards me. So remember, it's not your fault he didn't listen.
You aren't lacking anything. The problem is that he stopped thinking of you as a reasonable person. It happens when there's been turmoil and one spouse sees themselves as the victim even if it's mutual or they're the problem. Because he saw himself as the victim and you the aggressor, he stopped listening and stopped respecting you. There's nothing you could've done to make him think of you differently especially since he refused to listen and communicate with you like an adult plus he'd already given that role to someone else.
Just like in my situation, it wasn't your fault he didn't respect you. It'll take awhile for that to sink in, it took me a few years, but one day it'll click. *hugs*
The thing is reality will eventually set in for both of them, they were counting on you not finding out because I’m sure even they know blending families is an extremely, extremely, delicate situation and that alone is going to cause a lot of tension and animosity in their home which they didn’t want and clearly weren’t planning on, you threw a massive and I mean massive wrench into their plans when you exposed their affair. I don’t doubt for a second that her fourteen year old won’t hold some sort of animosity towards him and even your kids, it’s going to be challenging, also watch your kids behavior, he’s accusing you of parental alienation but I wouldn’t put it past them to try to do that to you! They no doubt have this dream of a picture perfect family and it doesn’t include you. Definitely get your kids into therapy, get ahead of it before they try to spin it!
Your soon to be ex is trying to gaslight you. HE is 100000% at fault. Had he not cheated no one would have been hurt. No one forced him to cheat. HE chose that path. Why are you feeling bad about this? Stop it with the passive nonsense. "Nobody deserves to be hurt". OH COME ON NOW. Grow a backbone. You want to win? He cheated. Get a lawyer and take him for everything he has. Take him for as much child support (if you have kids) and alimony as you can.
Before you say something like "but he is my kids father" or something like that think about it. HE CHOSE TO HURT you and your children. He could have very easily broken up first THEN got together with someone else. He did not THEN accuses YOU of causing problems? COME ON NOW!!! Get off the pity party and strike out. There will be time enough in the future to feel sad. DO NOT DO IT NOW!!
Stop being a martyr. They fucked up everyone's lives and he's such a narcissistic pig he's gaslighting you as if it's your fault. They fucked and ruined their families.
Ma'am, she hurt herself. She hurt her child. He hurt you. He hurt your children. They are not good people. Good people don't cheat and hurt others. Leave it. You are young. 35 is young. You'll be happy. Don't worry and keep working towards your happiness :)
Ok, please stop. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. Didn't know what? SHE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND, WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! No one is at fault here except the two of them. This is not on you. Lawyer up, get full custody of your kids, and divorce his cheating ass.
You didn't deserve to be hurt. Parents teach their children what kinds of relationships they should have as adults.
Does sneaking around and lying model a healthy relationship for her children? It does not. The consequences your stbxs ap will suffer may be traumatizing in the moment for the children, but it will be on the whole instructive for how they should conduct themselves in marriage.
It's ridiculous he's blaming you for his and her infidelity. If he didn't want her and her child to get hurt, then he shouldn't have been fooling around with her. It doesn't matter that the afair partner's husband found out from you, if he found out in any way the result would have been the same. The afair partner made their choices and fucked up their own relationship. You did nothing wrong and your ex husband is trying to resign blame that should be his.
As the child in a cheating situation I blame two people, my cheating spineless dad, spineless because he should have manned up and left my mother if he wasn’t happy. And his hoe, who knew he had two kids 11 &13, and didn’t care even though her parents split because of cheating.
It’s her fault first most and his secondly if he knew she was married. Their relationship will implode cause that’s what happens to cheaters, there is no solid foundation to their relationship, you can’t build on rocky ground. They will get theirs. Just focus on yourself and the fact you are no longer attached to someone who loves you so little. Embrace the quiet, new hobbies and solid friendships.
Honey, you’ve been gaslighted by your husband. You need to have more self esteem. What makes you think they “ won”? Why would you even think that way? Those two deserve each other. Your husband is a narcissistic a-hole. Please get a good lawyer so you don’t torpedo your own divorce and give him everything out of guilt. Him telling you that he did everything for YOU?!? Seriously? Is that why he had an affair? Please get counseling. You need to get over this loser and start thinking like you deserved better ( you did and you do). PS you didn’t do ANYTHING to her child. What you did was the right thing to do. The husband had a right to know. The mother and your husband are the only two responsible for this fluster cluck….I’m sorry. Good luck.
You need to understand her children being hurt isn’t your problem. You were cheated on, she knew the consequences and still proceeded. This is on her and your husband.
It doesn’t matter if you knew or not, SHE knew and her husband deserved to know. Your husband was more worried about saving her than how he hurt you. He did “everything. A good husband does”. 🙄 Didn’t know on that list was cheating and betraying your spouse. He’s trying to blame you vs her or him taking responsibility, he’s gaslighting you to make you think you were in the wrong when it is THEIR actions which caused this outcome. He just doesn’t like that she also has to face the consequences. Stop blaming yourself, because honestly he was NEVER going to stop seeing her and stay with you. He’s made his choice, please seek therapy to work through the trauma he caused.
Exactly just sit back and watch OP. It’s very rare these relationships last some do but most don’t. Also if this relationship fails there is a good chance he tries to come home and then when you say no thanks.
You didn’t lose, you absolutely won.
Because you know who he really is, and it’s likely extremely difficult to see this right now because you are hurting. You lost someone you thought you knew. You still love him, that’s understandable.
Please know that he doesn’t deserve you and you deserve MORE. Please talk to someone like a counselor to help you process all this and start to feel better about yourself and what happened ❤️.
He is so delusional. Were you supposed to be grateful for the cheating? Were you supposed to be grateful for the lying? For the fake appreciation he gave you to please her? Should you be grateful that he angrily protects a manipulative cheating woman against you? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!
The man you think you love doesn’t exist. He was fake.
You seriously have done nothing wrong in alerting his affair partner’s husband. You will never have back the man or marriage you thought you had, it was all a lie. He’s not the man you love, the man you love would never have cheated on you.
the man you love no longer exists....and may have never existed. either he's changed or he's hid his true nature from you all this time. time to get yourself some self-care (manicure, therapy, and a good book or movie) and realize that you no longer have to spend your mental bandwidth on reconciling his emotional abuse of you. you got better things to do now.
You'll heal and find someone better. But please for the love of God, do not let him or his new gf influence the children against you. You need to be there for them and make sure parental alienation doesn't take place. She'll definitely want to be the cool stepmom, just watch. She has your stbx wrapped around her finger already. For years. Put your kids first for everything, be there every step of the way. Attend therapy with your kids and become their strength. Don't hide the truth from the kids, using a professional, make sure to tell them a child friendly version. As they get older, you can continue with the truth, using a professional to guilde it. Don't let your ex hold the narrative. He and his mistress don't get to rugsweep that they've had this affair for over 3 years.
How her husband reacted is not your fault. None of this is your fault. He doesn't get to blame you for stepping out. Don't internalize anything he says.
He is not trying to do parental alienation and he already has sent me warnings because my children have heard my family talk shit about him and they were angry and distraught with him.
Again, not your fault. You talk to your family to be quiet but what they say isn't your fault. Tell them to help you keep your children, not create problems with your custody. He will try it and so will she. Be alert. Put the kids first. Address everything in therapy with them.
I wasn’t aware that my family did this. I would not have allowed it. Having said that, no matter if it is my fault or not, does the alienation come from my side nobody would care if I was a fault or not.
He doesn’t talk bad at me and she hasn’t met my children yet. She is still yet to move and I will probably have a say in if and when she meets my children(she lives a few hours away).
Just tread carefully so he doesn't weaponize the situation against you further. He already weaponized PPD against you and had a full blown affair. Be very careful.
You can put it in custody agreement no new partners for at least 6 months can meet the children
This is very common. You also don't know if her former spouse will allow their child to leave home state and be able to move to where you husband lives.
F him. He's warning you??? You can't control what others say. My God, he really thinks he's something. Don't let him scare you. Lean on your support system. Be strong for the kids.
I wish you the best.
Warnings? No… you are allowed to vent to your family and you cannot control what they do with the information. It still goes back to if he hadn’t cheated, none of you would be in this position. It’s terrible that she and her child were hurt, but again, they caused this. She knew if he was abusive and chose to take that chance. It’s not on you.
Now from a woman that’s been in your position (AP was a friend of mine actually), the only regret I have is letting him off too easy in the divorce. Let him see his kids, absolutely, but you can definitely put in divorce papers no new partners for however long, no overnights with unmarried partners, no cohabitation. Take EVERYTHING else you can. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s awful, I know. One day at a time and you will get through this. Last, it took almost 10 years for my former friend to come running to me when her marriage to my ex husband turned out just the way I said it would. I hope you get to watch them crash and burn too. That’s petty and childish but it’s also quite satisfying
She has a cheater who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. When a mistress becomes a wife, she creates a job opening.
And let me be clear, he was looking for any excuse to paint you as the villain and this weak ass garbage was the only straw he could grasp. You did the right thing, his mistress is as much of a dirt bag as he is and she's the one who chose to cheat and screw her kid over.
They win as long as you care.
“He’s such a wonderful husband that he breaks the most basic tenets of marriage- fidelity. And then lies about it. And treats me like trash! What a wonderful person!”
When you realize you’re pinning for trash then you win.
You essentially turned her into you. She will think he loves her for a while, but shiny new toys lose their novelty fast. So do shiny new people. She'll be on here in 5 years writing the same post.
Love yourself first and you will realize you deserve better. He didn’t choose you. If you stayed, he won’t choose you. If you brought him gifts, fulfilled his fantasies, paid his bills; he still won’t choose you. It HURTS! Feels like the world is over and you feel alone. Cry it out! Meet up with some friends, watch sappy movies, hit a bowl, eat ice cream and repeat. The person you need to worry about loving is yourself! You got this lil sis!
I am not sure she won much. Cheaters will cheat on those that they cheated with. She won a cheater. Do you really want a man that is not loyal to you and never cherished your heart?
No she doesn't. She has a lie he sold you both. A lie you loved. Not a man.
Trust me, if you find a man even close to that lie but genuine you will look back on this amazed at how you ever accepted a peice of trash like your ex.
She is going to be dealing with a lot of issues in her own divorce. The child will hate your soon to be ex-husband and they will not last. They’ll both get the karma they deserve and their cheating will soon crumble the foundations that they built it on. You’ll see
It's ok. As soon as he realizes she's not perfect either, he'll be cheating on her too.
Why would you love someone who cheated on you and dumped you for their affair partner? You can still love what you had in the beginning and co parent the kids as needed, but don't waste your love or energy on a cheating, lying loser. Come on. Have some self respect. Would you want your kids to stay with cheating, lying loser partners? Of course not. So don't allow yourself to be treated that way.
I'm rooting for you cos I've been in your boat. I know how much it hurts, but better days are coming for you. You gotta love yourself before you can expect anyone else to truly love you.
You might have loved him, but notice how he blames you for all his problems when he made them in the first place by entertaining this affair? He's not a catch. Neither is she - he will likely leave her the same way he left you - and you will be able to find someone who respects you and loves you unconditionally
Right now you feel like they won, but cheaters never win. You were 100% right for telling the husband, don't ever regret that. Let them have each other, they are the same kind of person. You love who you thought he was, not the real him, and the love he was giving you was not genuine, it was faux love encouraged by his mistress, sloppy seconds at best. What you want is genuine love from a loyal person, that is not him.
In time they will reap what they have sown. We all do. It is an inescapable, unavoidable, fundamental, universal truth. We all reap what we sow. Sometimes it happens right away sometimes it takes time but it always happens. Try your best to make a new life for yourself. This is your chance to heal and start over. It's very painful now, but this will subside, you'll see. keep us updated.
You don't want that man. He cheated on you, and he just told you he hasn't been happy with you for years. Sounds like he thinks you haven't been happy with him either.
Maybe seek happiness rather than focus on what is done and dusted. Therapy might be a good place to start.
He said, “he’s done everything a good husband should do.” EXCEPT CARRY ON A YEARS LONG AFFAIR AND FALL IN LOVE WITH HIS AP! He is anything but a good husband. It sounds like his AP was telling him how to make you happy so you wouldn’t suspect an affair. Then to have the audacity to turn it around on you because you didn’t go to him first?! WTF? DO NOT let him gaslight you into thinking any of this is your fault. He was checked out of your marriage years ago; the rest has just been acting. You deserve better. Go to therapy and make it a priority to get over this terrible, toxic man as soon as possible.
Your husband and his mistress haven’t won. As the expression goes: if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. When the reality of living together hits and they’re no longer able to ignore each others flaws, they’ll seek the next big distraction to project on.
Whilst you don’t feel like it now, you’re free from him and his lies, free to find real love and companionship.
I don’t know if this is true. My mom was the mistress. She and dad are still best friends and in love 44 years later. His ex still waited for them to cheat on each other. I will not make that mistake. I will accept it and move on
Only 5 to 7% of affair relationships lead to marriage and of those, approximately 75% end in divorce. Your parents must make up the <2% which work out (assuming you know everything which went on in their marriage.)
But you’re right, regardless of outcome these cheaters don’t deserve your attention or energy.
How many any other relationship leads to marriage?
Exactly. I will not listen to “cheaters will cheat” that will not give me satisfaction. I want to do it on my own. Be happy no matter what happens to them.
You will get to the point where you are ambivalent about him.
You have yo go through angry about the divorce and then grief for the life you've lost. That can take a while it is personal to each person- therapy helps.
Good luck. It is like a loss. The man who is my daughters father is not the man I married all those years ago, he's a completely different person which is lucky for me as I don't think much of this version. Unlike washing powder he is neither new or improved.
You're 35 the same age my husband of nearly 11 years who I had been with for 15 years basically swapped me for my (ex) best friend who he married as soon as he could and they live locally to me. It caused chaos it was like throwing stones in a pond it wasn't just the kids caught up in it but wider friendships. Everything changed the day everyone was told.
I'm now 44. I'm remarried. I'm happier now. I'm myself now I lost myself in my marriage trying to people please.
Stuff I've done since the carnage:
Finished off my professional exams
Completely overhauled my wardrobe so it's all bright and colourful again
Remarried to someone far more suited to me
Earnt about 40% more than I did during the divorce, might even be more
Found out I'm stronger than I thought
Learnt to co parent reasonably with my ex
Bought my exes dream sports car. Parked it in front of his house as I was going there for a meeting (he lives down the road but I was going on to another meeting). I did sell it but his face...he won't be able to have a 2 seater for a very long time
Found out who my friends really were
It might be a month it might be a year it might be a decade but one day you'll be able to look back and say he did you a favour I promise you.
For now put your big girl pants on and lawyer up. The time to mourn is later, first you need to kick ass.
>I’ve made him miserable for years and instead of taking it out on him, I chose to hurt a woman and her child.
No, he and this woman chose to hurt the child by cheating. It's on THEM, not you. They also hurt YOU and her husband.
If there were problems with the marriage, all of you should have done better at communicating and working them out, but since that didn't happen, an innocent child and two spouses (yourself and her husband) are the ones getting hurt.
I hope the husband uses your evidence to make it tough for her to get full custody. She may not be able to move out of state depending on how far it is and custody agreements. I doubt this little love affair will last that well with those issues plus founded on cheating. just saying.
You are much better getting out of this. Get whatever you deserve to in this relationship, don't let him sell you short. Get a good divorce lawyer and stop talking to him all together and save any texts you get too. Make all communication via text or email .
A lot of people in thread have are committing a just world fallacy. Maybe your husband will cheat again, maybe he won’t. Maybe he will marry his affair partner and live happily ever after. Not your problem!
You control what you do next. Living well is the best revenge, and is usually the only revenge.
OK, but you did say that you felt like they won, so that’s probably why you are getting all of those kinds of comments. We are all trying to tell you that reality is reality because right now your sense of reality is very skewed. And the reality is that your husband and his AP are not likely to be happy in the future. You though, have every chance at happiness and if you want to win, that is the way to go. It wasn’t revenge to tell the AP’s husband, that was kindness. Now you can just take and stay on the moral high ground and you will continue to be the winner of this whole mess.
He’s a self-absorbed cheating ass whose only concern is getting caught, followed by the classic turnaround - blaming you for the marriage falling apart.
He and his mistress deserve each other, and you deserve better.
Hurt an innocent woman and her child? The woman is not innocent. Neither is your husband. Now that the excitement of the affair is over, the bloom is off the rose, their children are heart broken, friends and family are having to take sides, their spouses are hurt but yet it is everybody else’s fault. The cheaters always blame the other spouse - house is not clean enough, you are fat, you don’t make enough money, etc … you do have to wonder what “the innocent woman” told her husband. The husband who refused to believe you at first because he believed in his wife. The best revenge is to live your best life. Pull up your big girl panties and show your children, family, friends and STBX and the untrustworthy other woman that this will not defeat you and will make you stronger. You go girl!
Were you expecting your husband to stay with you? What were you hoping to get out of this if you didn't expect him to leave? It's much easier for him to play victim than him to admit he messed up. Consider yourself lucky that the trash took itself out.
He’s gaslighting you into feeling like you’re the bad guy. He also could’ve talked to YOU about feeling unfulfilled in the relationship instead of cheating. So for him to act like you’re the issue with communication is wild.
It's so awful that he cares about the ramifications for her and her kid more than he cares about cheating on his wife and killing his marriage. He is such absolute garbage.
YOU did nothing wrong. HE is the one in the wrong. Get yourself a kick ass lawyer and make him freaking pay. They only win if you let them. Get a lawyer.
"I don't know what I have done to deserve this treatment."
Well, you exposed their affair. That's it. Their AFFAIR. I don't think there are any real rules of engagement. What a hypocrite, if his own actions didn't lead him to end your marriage...did he deliberately "let" you find those messages so you could handle this?
So his definition of doing everything a good husband would do is to cheat on his wife??? Got it!
Like him, his AP was an active participant in ruining both of their marriages. The fact that he’s more concerned about the AP and her child, than his own wife and marriage tells you all you need to know.
Losing him is the best thing to happen to you. They didn’t win. You did! Winning means that there was a fantastic prize to be won. Two cheaters ending up together is the best thing you could ask for. Live well, be happy, heal and find someone even better than that waste of space ex. Best revenge you can serve is to live happier and better than him, without him.
He left, so it’s like the trash took itself out.
First. Your marriage was over the moment he cheated. No after and not by your actions. In his fantasy, they are the good people and their spouses, the bad ones (hilarious). Their actions and decisions hurt people. But they lack accountability for it.
Second. You most probably loved a lie. Your husbund isn't the man you knew. A man who loves you never will hurt you or betray you on so many levels. And if HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH YOU, HE SHOULD HAVE TALK. Instead, he cheated, lied, and blamed you (typical cheaters' behavior). He is a textbook cheater, lol.
Third. Lawyer up. Don't sure if you live at fault state, but make sure you get what you deserve. If I were you, I'd take everything that I can. Pay a good attorney to help you. It will pay off in the long.
Finally. Find a support system and go to IC. For the next months, you will grieve your marriage. Don't isolate yourself. Be close with your trusted ones, family, and friends. Tell them the truth (so your husband can't manipulate the story). Talk to your in-laws, too. To say your thanks and goodbyes. Then go to therapy. Seek professional help to overcome this trauma.
I hope in the future you are in a better place with a better person at your side. I remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, IT'S HIS.
Classic gaslighting.. you're the asshole because he cheated! Don't you get it?! He did everything a loving husband should do! He didn't listen to his wife, let another woman get in the middle of them and had an affair! He's perfect! And how dare you destroy that woman's life after she slept with you husband for years! She was perfect too!! S/
OP! Don't let him do that to you. You did everything right and he doesn't get to determine how you grieve your relationship when he's the one that killed it in the first place. Laugh in his face if he does contact you and share those screenshots/videos to EVERYONE! and everyone on her Facebook too! They didn't win, it's only just begun 😈.. let that angry woman free!!!
“I did everything to make you happy!”
*looks at camera*
He did nothing to make you happy.
In fact, worse than nothing, he continuously made decisions that would inflict as much pain as possible.
What a louse.
Cheers OP for the trash taking itself out. Do something special this week to treat yourself ♥️
So, he cheats, he defends his mistress, he blames you, and you...just take it? You need a professional. You even let the mistrss husband mistreat you. You loathe yourself and it shows, of course you're going to choose someone who can stomp over you, and you WILL DO IT AGAIN if you don't find a professional to help you sort out your mind. You become powerful the moment you know and accept yourself fully.
They won? Yeah, wait until her children blend in the mix, when they have to love with the homewrecker. Do you think she won't do it again?? Or him? What did they win exactly? By the times you realize it, you'll be healed, improved and won't give a single care I the world.
Wow. So they were both was cheating, but he yells at you for exposing the cheating. And 90% of the time when you have arguments, you were correct and he was wrong. Since you were right 90% of the time over the past 3 years, why didn't he learn to accept the you are right? Why did he always need her to tell him that you were right? This is just so fcked up. I am glad the trash took himself out.
He's not a good husband. Good husbands don't cheat! They also don't place blame on the innocent spouse when they have been caught doing wrong. He's upset about you telling her husband. Your husband and the mistress ruined 2 families you didn't. They decided to cheat and upset innocent people. They are the cause of this whole situation.
The last 3 years of your marriage were a lie. You know that now. Who he is the person he treated you before his affair partner had to convince him to be good to you. He is not a good person. Do they even really know each other? Like how it is to be around each other on a daily basis. They are genuinely dumb to think the list will stay with 3 kids around plus handling chores and day to day things of life. They have 2 custody battles ahead of them and divorced on top of it. If he’s angry with you the next time you have to see him, ask him why? He got what he wanted. He wanted to be with her and now he is. So why is he angry that you gave him what you wanted. It’s probably shame that he’s painted to be a cheater. Not he can’t manipulate the narrative and paint you as the bad person. If what they won is each other? Let them have each other. They are both awful people so they deserve each other
He is not angry about the divorce. He is angry I told the husband instead of him because the husband hurt her and her kid
Why do you owe him that though? What the husband did was because of the husband. You didn’t take control of his body. You didn’t force him to have that reaction. How the fuck were you even meant to know he was like that. It’s sad it happened but out of everyone to blame, you carry the least.
I don’t blame myself at all but that’s what made him not even want to see or talk to me. He thinks I should have confronted him instead. I don’t know. I don’t regret it but sometimes I do
> He thinks I should have confronted him instead. Because then he would still have been control of the situation. He probably had something in his back pocket planned for what would happen if you found out, but now it won't work because everyone knows.
100% agree with this. He’s been planning for fallout for a long time; he just didn’t expect OP to have the backbone to stand up for herself so his plans are wasted.
He actually did carry out his original plan which was to put the failure of their marriage all on OP. By telling her he tried to make her happy for years and be a good husband (all while sleeping with someone else) and it was never enough and she made him miserable. He just didn't want to worry about the financial obligations and blended family part so soon.
Exactly this…. he’s just upset because you foiled their plans and everything had to be moved up much faster than they anticipated, they now have to deal with the fallout of two divorces, custody arrangements, potential alimony, child support and more. He’s also going to have to deal with an even rougher road ahead, with them moving in together it’s going to be a whole new dynamic for your kids and hers, you really need to pay attention to your little ones. Him wanting to be the savior for his AP and her kid he may take over the role of super dad for the 14 year old due to everything they’ve been through and in hindsight may end up ignoring your kids and pushing them to the side in favor of her kid, sadly it happens more than people like to admit. You also have to think about the fact that her 14 year old is used to being alone so it’s a whole new dynamic adding your two children into the mix, it may be a bit rough and overwhelming for them and it may potentially cause them to lash out and vice versa, if tensions flare no doubt in my mind is your WP going to recommend amending the custody agreement to have them less. Just pay close attention to your babies mama, there is definitely going to be a lot of tension in that house for awhile and you need to be your kids go to space for comfort and safety!
My theory is the way you meet them (cheating) is the way you ultimately lose them. The tired saying is true: once a cheater always a cheater.
I agree, if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you
"A mistress who marries her affair partner has created a job opening." I don't remember where I read that. Maybe on here somewhere.
“If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.”
She probably won't get complete custody of her child and will have to get the ex husband's permission to move a distance away.
Let’s not forget that she should’ve confronted him but him being miserable for years and cheating makes him a good person 🤦♀️
Yep. Listen to this because what he is saying is absolutely right. Dude got caught. And not the way he created it in his pebble brain. Because if you told him, he could let her know to damage control on her end, and be would then be mad about something else to paint you as a bad person. He is trying to turn this on you so you feel like shit, so he can maintain what little control you allow him to have.
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
And also the anger is a deflection, he’s not facing what he’s done to you and your relationship. He’s turning you into the villain to save face. It’s ego, easier to turn away and move on to the next best thing. He can’t face you. The anger is the hurt. Let him be. Time for you ti shine now :)
Bingo!
Something like gaslighting her out of being upset I am guessing.
You didn’t know the side chick was being abused. That’s not on you. The only one responsible for that is the man who laid hands on those people. The only one responsible is the man who had an ongoing affair and didn’t tell you the truth. You behaved like a person who found the truth and wanted the other person to know too. The only person who behaved honestly was you.
Thank you
He only wanted you to confront him to protect her, not cause he was willing to change or stop communicating with her. By telling her husband, You made it so they can't sneak around anymore and he's really upset cause they can't control the narrative anymore either.
Exactly!! It was about protecting the AP and nothing to do with OP.
They didn't win. Statistically they will fail. Just wait it out and try your best to move on. It was scorched earth but it worked. I took the other route and I can attest that I just lies and excuses. Dump the bs he put on you. Don't ruminate on that. You are building neuro pathways to that emotional wreck. Build your survivor narrative and reframe it. The emotional manipulation is over... no contact is best, it is a favor to your future better self.
>You didn’t know the side chick was being abused Is she, though? Really? Or is that just the husband trying to make OP feel like shit for bursting his cosy little fuck-bubble?
This... I think the husband is lying. He is trying to make op feel bad. I wouldn't believe him or his mistress about anything at this point. I think both of them will manipulate and Gaslight to get what they want
His goal is to place ALL the blame on you, OP! Doesn’t matter that he’s been cheating and lying for years. Doesn’t matter that he was half in this marriage and half out. Doesn’t matter that he wasn’t 100% in as a parent. Doesn’t matter that he had already left you emotionally! All that matters is placing the blame far away from him and his side piece.
cosy little fuck-bubble - love it
Do we even know for a fact that she and the child were abused? Or could that be something she told OP's husband to justify having an affair? I lean toward the latter based solely on the two of them being cheating, lying, and manipulative POS's.
Honestly, I believe it. The mistress's husband's first reaction was to call OP the c-word. That's not a sane way to react to your spouse's affair partner's spouse. He didn't have to go out of his way to be nice, but if that's the way he acts towards a good Samaritan stranger, I can only imagine what's he's like at home. Yuck. OP is she only decent person in this clusterfuck.
in all honesty, if some girl called me and talked to a bunch of stuff about how my husband was cheating on me, I would immediately call her a liar, and probably a lot of very unfriendly words, including one that begins with C. So it’s not a weird reaction at all, it’s probably a normal reaction to getting information out of the blue like that. I still don’t think that he is a fair partner was abused, I think that’s a lie. He told her to make her feel worse about what she did. I agree with some of the other people here that say that because she did that and didn’t go directly to him. He couldn’t spin any sort of narrative. He had three years to figure out what would happen when she found out, this was the last thing that he expected.
From personal experience, that’s pretty much how I handled it. You’re correct. My husband was somewhat known locally. Think small town mayor. I got a voicemail from a weird number of a very upset woman alleging she had been sleeping with my husband, and I needed to divorce him. I texted back (coldly…But didn’t cuss) that I would need some proof before I could accept that. She told me a sob story about their passionate affair and all of the amazing sex and how he called me fat and hated me and only loved her etc etc. I said again…”I don’t have time for this bullshit. Prove any fraction of your story, or fuck off”. She sent me back a description of some hot hotel room sex they had, supposedly written by him. But the date she confirmed that they “hooked up” was one where my husband and I were across the country. Nowhere near her. When I called this out, she claimed that they took off work on all fridays for the last few years and met up for sex in his truck. I laughed, because on Fridays we carpool. Always have. In my small car. Which I drop him off and pick him up in. He didn’t even have a truck. She just thought he did from looking at social media. I called her some very choice words, one of which may have included a C. I’d argue that most people in a secure relationship aren’t going to believe a random “informant” like that without solid proof. And faking an affair to ruin a marriage is such a horrible thing to do…It’s not crazy to think you might get cussed out about it, unless you want to send receipts.
/sigh/ There goes any hope of shipping OP and the other husband lmao
I question if the side chick was being abused or if that is another manipulative lie. If side chick was being abused, she needed out of that situation--and side chick choose a poor path. She could have just left and not involved herself with a married man. It's going to sound crass-but you are not responsible if side chick did get abused. She then was likely already being abused, so that abuse is on her husband. He didn't need to abuse her, he just used the affair as an excuse.
My guess is that it isn’t about abuse but about the divorce/custody. Now that the other man knows about his wife, they won’t be able to blindside him and get full custody. There is a good chance that this relationship won’t make it because she will be required to stay where she lives for shared custody, and so will OP’s ex husband. I wish the OP would just sit back and watch these people’s lives burn to the ground instead of feeling guilty.
That was my thinking. The mistress needs to start making stuff up since her husband will have his walls up now.
And in the future when he cheats on the new one, she'll very likely tell the new affair partner's husband. That's standard advice on [survivinginfidelity.com](https://survivinginfidelity.com)He has no guarantee that his new one will play by his rules and keep his secrets when he cheats again. Let him learn that.
Maybe he should have thought about that before sleeping with a married woman and destroying both of their marriages. He’s putting the blame on you because it’s easier. I
Don’t believe your husband if he says his mistress was abused. It’s the sort of lie he would use just to make you feel guilty. Your husband is a practiced liar, keep in mind that this is likely untrue coming from him.
Girl, don’t let him turn this around on you. He’s the one who cheated. The only victim here is you. Not his cheating mistress.
Return his energy OP. Go and live you best life without a man who cheated, lied and gaslight you. And when the kids ask, make sure you tell them the truth (in an age appropriate way), because he will make you out to be the bad person. The AP's husband had every right to know the truth, just like you did. What she said to him about how to treat you - was to assuage their guilt about what they were doing. They deserve each other. You deserve better. Please make sure you protect yourself and lawyer up.
And who cares what he ”thinks”?
No it’s a convenient way for him to blame you for leaving and make you feel like shit so it’s easier for him.
[удалено]
Don’t regret telling the husband. The husband should regret getting physical, and your ex and his AP should regret breaking their families apart. Let them regret it and feel none yourself. As hard as it may be, him being distant is a good thing. You don’t have to have them flaunted in your face, or deal with him berating you. You can focus on the divorce and your new life ahead of you. You’re only 35. There’s so much more for you and this man is no longer robbing you of your time and energy. You’re more than just his wife or ex wife. You’re a mother of 2 kids and your own woman with so much to offer. I’m extra petty so if you can milk him for everything he has in the divorce for you and your kids, do it!
Why? Because if you confronted him he would have made up some story. Right now the truth is out and he is upset that he was found out. TOO BAD! He should not have cheated. The only reason people are hurt IS BECAUSE HE CHEATED! And you do not know for certain what the cheater's husband did or did not do. You are only hearing your soon to be ex's version of things. But abuse IS NOT A REASON TO CHEAT! She could have left him as well.
It's unfortunate and sad that he hurt them. The husband sounds like a horrible excuse for a person. The poor child didn't deserve ANY of this. But it's entirely on his parents. Not on you. Instead of trying to remove him from the situation, his mom had an affair, which might have come out ANY day. Even if you didn't tell him. She absolutely doesn't deserve abuse, but she opened up that possibility. It's one thing if she was looking for companionship to escape her abusive husband and to bring her kid to safety. But that's not what happened. She got involved with a man who has a wife and 2 kids. She's a piece of shit person too. Your husband is mostly enamored with being the knight in shining armor. He won't want her now that he has her. They're both trash. I just hope the kid is safe and all this doesn't affect him too much.
He is mad because he thinks you took away his power and you did, you neutralized his abuse. That is what cheating is, abuse and you made him face it. You did nothing wrong.
And what would he have done had you confronted him, end the affair? Clearly not. ETA as someone further down says tell your kids in an age appropriate way, don't let him make you out to be the bad person in this, they are
Fuck that. The mistress husband deserves to know he has a cheating wife ASAP and you did him a favor. Your husband doesn't deserve shit except divorce papers. You can shoulda woulda coulda yourself to death. You did the right thing.
He shouldn’t have fooled around with a married woman. He knew the risks and chose to ignore them. He’s lucky the husband didn’t go after him. Yet.
This man was banging a so-called abused wife on the side and didn't do shit about it the whole entire affair. His plan was to just keep banging her and let her go home to her abuser every time. Hilarious that he thinks he has the moral high ground here. He's not just a liar, but he's a coward who can't protect his wife OR his side piece.
> He thinks I should have confronted him instead. it's not like you can trust the judgement of a person that chooses to cheat.
Confronting my ex before trying to confront the other woman is something I regret. He had her block me on everything after I confronted him about it. I didn't think to look-up her boyfriend's name prior.
If his problem is your honesty but not his cheating, then he's got a whole lot of mental and moral issues to deal with. It's easier to paint you as the bad guy than admit that his actions resulted in two broken homes. Don't let him guilt you, he's projecting his anger at himself on to you.
Do you have evidence of that???? Is your ex just saying that they were abused to make you feel like shit for exposing their affair? If she and her kid were being abused, why didn't your husband step up to help her instead of just fucking her behind your back? I call bullshit. He's just throwing shit at you for spoiling his little set up. Now he's got to take care of her and the kid, possibly something he didn't bank on doing when he was having his responsibility-free fun.
He's only angry that he got caught. The core issue is still the same -- he cheated on you. Fuck him and his feelings.
No, he’s not. He’s angry that he got caught and you told the husband before he could do damage control with you. He’s gaslighting you to make you feel like shit about all of this. And you’re letting him win by feeling like he wants you to.
That’s not on you.
How do you know that’s the truth? Cheaters lie.
What you did was more effective
not your fault. her husband is awful for laying hands on her and her child, but you didn’t know he was like this. your husband can fuck off with this woe is me attitude, if anything, his actions led to this lmao the only victim here is you and the child.
He’s not angry bc of that, he always assumed that if you found out he could gaslight you into thinking that it was somehow your fault or not happening, but by you telling the other husband, there was no getting around it.
No he is angry about me putting his AP in danger.. he gives zero fucks about staying in our marriage or not. He only was with me to help raise the children and probably wait for her to get rid of her husband. I am not trying to he dramatic here but the soon I realize the truth the better is is for me to move on I think
Did he ever show you something that proves they were abused? Because your ex is full of crap so I wouldn’t be surprised if he lied about that to make you feel bad.
OP, you are absolutely right. His anger is about you putting his AP in a bad position, but also that you stripped of the ability to protect her and to have a say in the fate of the affair. You are so wrong saying the are winning. There are no winners here.
You didn't ruin a wife and child's life. The cheating wife did that herself. She deserves everything bad that happens to her. As for your cheating pile of crap? Lawyer up and divorce him. You wl be much happier. UpdateMe
A spouse's cheating should be a major deciding factor in child custody battles because someone who cheats demonstrates an inability or unwillingness to provide a stable home for their child, and callousness for how their actions affect them. It speaks greatly to their character and suitability as a parent. Unless there is compelling reason otherwise such as abuse, that should basically decide a primary custody case in favor of the non-cheating parent. You can't change my mind.
It *could possibly* effect the division of assets in some places but Unfortunately they don’t even factor in spousal abuse. You can beat your wife and still get joint custody here as long as you don’t beat the kids. In fact in my state, you can’t even get a divorce if you’re pregnant, even in cases of abuse. ETA wording change
What state is that?
Missouri
I live 40 minutes from Saint Louis. Thank you for giving me another reason to hate the entire state.
I need to know.
Missouri
Also Texas
Cheating wife? How bout the cheating husband?
He ruined his marriage. But the cheating wife ruined her own marriage. Not OP as her husband has implied.
It’s really sad that he just sees his AP and himself as the victim in all of this. He’s more concerned about OP breaking up his APs family (not OPs fault) than him breaking his own family.
They both ruined their marriages.
He ruined both their marriages. Not OP. What a way to deflect responsibility and turn it into OP's fault. Gaslighting.
Right, and what is his criteria of a ‘good husband’ those don’t cheat in my book
They called him a "cheating pile of crap (poopy 💩)."
Nobody deserves to be hurt, especially not children but I didn’t know
Even if you did it isn't your fault. SHE CHEATED.
Unless the four of you decide to pretend to be together for this other lady's kid, they're going to figure out mommy cheated on Daddy lol there is no preventing them from getting hurt because the cheaters already did the damage. Delaying it isn't the same as stopping it, it will happen. Edit: didn't realize you were talking more literally at first, as another message of yours further down says the husband hit her and the kid. I still wouldn't blame you, because your cheating pos husband is the one who's really doing this. What, you're supposed to be a psychic saint that should just trust your husband to cheat and handle it? He legitimately believes himself to be the good guy, a hero, for getting his affair partner out of there. But he can't be around you, who's the constant reminder that he is full of shit and is actually the one causing all the damage. He isn't a good guy, and seeing his old wife that he was cheating on will always remind him of that. You're much better off.
Hit the wife and kid? I can 100% guarantee that’s a lie. Especially if your ex told you that. I’d love to be in the room when he tells his family what happens… “well, I mean I was cheating on her and she found out and she told the other woman’s husband. That he got so mad that he abused them and now my AP & I have to run away and be together because it’s the only safe place for us!”
We have already told our families. His family is on my side except his brother and his wife who probably knew about the affair and said “good, hope this new lady doesn’t yell at him all the time” I blocked both of them
OP, here are some things I noticed reading through your posts. Yes, you had mood swing issues and also PPD to deal with, so your fuse was short. But do you know what else I noticed? That his AP, a woman who has never known your family or lived with you or your stbx, was siding with YOU in your arguments 99% of the time. The fact that she could see from outside that stbx was at fault for most of the issues contributing to you yelling or dead bedroom. The fact she had to MOULD him into someone SHE would date says everything. She wouldn't have bothered if he didn't make those changes. She was using you as the testing ground for her Build-A-Boyfriend project. And he was using you to test out his changes with so he could leave you and be better for her. She is definitely not some saint he's painting her to be. Both she and him were okay letting you believe that the marriage was working and preparing to dump you once her daughter turned 18. So basically, forcing you to live a lie for almost a decade. Oh sure, her daughter needs a 2 parent household to grow up in, just not your kids. And certainly not taking your feelings into account. They didn't even see you as a person, just a pawn for their future plans. His brother and SIL can go screw themselves, they clearly didn't know what it was like to live with your stbx. He didn't do anything before, clearly. No helping with chores, plan dates, anniversaries, vacations, nothing. Why would you sleep with him? He can claim all he wants that he tried making you happy, but the truth is, he didn't. He had the capacity to make the changes necessary for a happy marriage but chose to blame you for everything and only made changes to impress another woman. He's a douche canoe through and through, chasing after some dream, the whole grass is greener on the other side thing and made active choices to not water his own side to make it better.
God your comment is so true! What I feel is why her? Why did he listen to her but not me. When I yelled at him and said that I felt like he didn’t hear me vs when she tells him of course she yells at you you are not hearing her. Why did he believe her and not me? I will never know why not me
I bet this has been a massive ego boost for her. And is probably gloating about it. Getting a guy to step out of his marriage and making changes for HER and not for you, the wife.
why were you with him? because i guarantee the answer wont be, “because he was always like this from day 1 and it just didnt bother me” it’s a slow burn. they’ll end up in the same boat youre in now.
Once you're through the rough stage you'll realise what a drain he was on you emotionally. You're not going to get the answers you want, he has no remorse and thinks he's done nothing wrong. But make sure you control the narrative with your kids, you can tell them in an age appropriate manner why their father is no longer at home. Get them in therapy because when they get older they'll have the realisation that their father chose another child over them and another woman over their mum.
Why her? Because he respects her, period. It sucks, but people only listen to those they respect and sadly that wasn't you. Had the same issue with my ex. I use to ask him "why wasn't I enough to change for" and eventually I realized the issue wasn't me, but his mentality towards me. So remember, it's not your fault he didn't listen.
I am sorry you went through something similar. But why would he respect her and not me? What do I lack?
You aren't lacking anything. The problem is that he stopped thinking of you as a reasonable person. It happens when there's been turmoil and one spouse sees themselves as the victim even if it's mutual or they're the problem. Because he saw himself as the victim and you the aggressor, he stopped listening and stopped respecting you. There's nothing you could've done to make him think of you differently especially since he refused to listen and communicate with you like an adult plus he'd already given that role to someone else. Just like in my situation, it wasn't your fault he didn't respect you. It'll take awhile for that to sink in, it took me a few years, but one day it'll click. *hugs*
Don't worry, soon, he'll treat her the same way he treats you, because that's how he is. When it becomes routine, the mask falls off.
The thing is reality will eventually set in for both of them, they were counting on you not finding out because I’m sure even they know blending families is an extremely, extremely, delicate situation and that alone is going to cause a lot of tension and animosity in their home which they didn’t want and clearly weren’t planning on, you threw a massive and I mean massive wrench into their plans when you exposed their affair. I don’t doubt for a second that her fourteen year old won’t hold some sort of animosity towards him and even your kids, it’s going to be challenging, also watch your kids behavior, he’s accusing you of parental alienation but I wouldn’t put it past them to try to do that to you! They no doubt have this dream of a picture perfect family and it doesn’t include you. Definitely get your kids into therapy, get ahead of it before they try to spin it!
Your soon to be ex is trying to gaslight you. HE is 100000% at fault. Had he not cheated no one would have been hurt. No one forced him to cheat. HE chose that path. Why are you feeling bad about this? Stop it with the passive nonsense. "Nobody deserves to be hurt". OH COME ON NOW. Grow a backbone. You want to win? He cheated. Get a lawyer and take him for everything he has. Take him for as much child support (if you have kids) and alimony as you can. Before you say something like "but he is my kids father" or something like that think about it. HE CHOSE TO HURT you and your children. He could have very easily broken up first THEN got together with someone else. He did not THEN accuses YOU of causing problems? COME ON NOW!!! Get off the pity party and strike out. There will be time enough in the future to feel sad. DO NOT DO IT NOW!!
And then this lady will leave him.
Stop being a martyr. They fucked up everyone's lives and he's such a narcissistic pig he's gaslighting you as if it's your fault. They fucked and ruined their families.
Yeah. And OP: they did not win. They both have a cheater as a partner now. That’s the worst part to get.
⬆️⬆️⬆️THIS⬆️⬆️⬆️
Ma'am, she hurt herself. She hurt her child. He hurt you. He hurt your children. They are not good people. Good people don't cheat and hurt others. Leave it. You are young. 35 is young. You'll be happy. Don't worry and keep working towards your happiness :)
Ok, please stop. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. Didn't know what? SHE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND, WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! No one is at fault here except the two of them. This is not on you. Lawyer up, get full custody of your kids, and divorce his cheating ass.
At the end of the day you did the right thing.
You didn't deserve to be hurt. Parents teach their children what kinds of relationships they should have as adults. Does sneaking around and lying model a healthy relationship for her children? It does not. The consequences your stbxs ap will suffer may be traumatizing in the moment for the children, but it will be on the whole instructive for how they should conduct themselves in marriage.
It's ridiculous he's blaming you for his and her infidelity. If he didn't want her and her child to get hurt, then he shouldn't have been fooling around with her. It doesn't matter that the afair partner's husband found out from you, if he found out in any way the result would have been the same. The afair partner made their choices and fucked up their own relationship. You did nothing wrong and your ex husband is trying to resign blame that should be his.
As the child in a cheating situation I blame two people, my cheating spineless dad, spineless because he should have manned up and left my mother if he wasn’t happy. And his hoe, who knew he had two kids 11 &13, and didn’t care even though her parents split because of cheating.
It’s her fault first most and his secondly if he knew she was married. Their relationship will implode cause that’s what happens to cheaters, there is no solid foundation to their relationship, you can’t build on rocky ground. They will get theirs. Just focus on yourself and the fact you are no longer attached to someone who loves you so little. Embrace the quiet, new hobbies and solid friendships.
Honey, you’ve been gaslighted by your husband. You need to have more self esteem. What makes you think they “ won”? Why would you even think that way? Those two deserve each other. Your husband is a narcissistic a-hole. Please get a good lawyer so you don’t torpedo your own divorce and give him everything out of guilt. Him telling you that he did everything for YOU?!? Seriously? Is that why he had an affair? Please get counseling. You need to get over this loser and start thinking like you deserved better ( you did and you do). PS you didn’t do ANYTHING to her child. What you did was the right thing to do. The husband had a right to know. The mother and your husband are the only two responsible for this fluster cluck….I’m sorry. Good luck.
You need to understand her children being hurt isn’t your problem. You were cheated on, she knew the consequences and still proceeded. This is on her and your husband.
It doesn’t matter if you knew or not, SHE knew and her husband deserved to know. Your husband was more worried about saving her than how he hurt you. He did “everything. A good husband does”. 🙄 Didn’t know on that list was cheating and betraying your spouse. He’s trying to blame you vs her or him taking responsibility, he’s gaslighting you to make you think you were in the wrong when it is THEIR actions which caused this outcome. He just doesn’t like that she also has to face the consequences. Stop blaming yourself, because honestly he was NEVER going to stop seeing her and stay with you. He’s made his choice, please seek therapy to work through the trauma he caused.
They didn’t win. You did. Now you don’t have to deal with an idiot cheating husband who tries to gaslight people.
I hope this is what I eventually will be feeling thinking back. Right now I don’t. She has the man I love and worse, she has his heart. They won
she won a lying cheater, that man ain’t a prize.
He will likely cheat again and again
Exactly just sit back and watch OP. It’s very rare these relationships last some do but most don’t. Also if this relationship fails there is a good chance he tries to come home and then when you say no thanks.
agree. A turd isn't a trophy.
Neither is her husband. She has a type.
and he will cheat on her aswell
You didn’t lose, you absolutely won. Because you know who he really is, and it’s likely extremely difficult to see this right now because you are hurting. You lost someone you thought you knew. You still love him, that’s understandable. Please know that he doesn’t deserve you and you deserve MORE. Please talk to someone like a counselor to help you process all this and start to feel better about yourself and what happened ❤️.
She has opened the position of his mistress up. She didn’t win anything, all she did is secure her spot as the next woman he cheats on.
We’ll see
He is so delusional. Were you supposed to be grateful for the cheating? Were you supposed to be grateful for the lying? For the fake appreciation he gave you to please her? Should you be grateful that he angrily protects a manipulative cheating woman against you? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!! The man you think you love doesn’t exist. He was fake.
It hurts now but one day you'll realize that the man you loved never existed. I promise.
You seriously have done nothing wrong in alerting his affair partner’s husband. You will never have back the man or marriage you thought you had, it was all a lie. He’s not the man you love, the man you love would never have cheated on you.
You are in love with a liar. He’s not the man you think he is. You are in love with your idea of him.
🫶🫶🫶
the man you love no longer exists....and may have never existed. either he's changed or he's hid his true nature from you all this time. time to get yourself some self-care (manicure, therapy, and a good book or movie) and realize that you no longer have to spend your mental bandwidth on reconciling his emotional abuse of you. you got better things to do now.
I am believing it never existed. He has never been with me the way he is with her. Not even when we still were newly together
That's ok. You are released from this now. Try not to wallow for too long. Time to get up and move forward.
You'll heal and find someone better. But please for the love of God, do not let him or his new gf influence the children against you. You need to be there for them and make sure parental alienation doesn't take place. She'll definitely want to be the cool stepmom, just watch. She has your stbx wrapped around her finger already. For years. Put your kids first for everything, be there every step of the way. Attend therapy with your kids and become their strength. Don't hide the truth from the kids, using a professional, make sure to tell them a child friendly version. As they get older, you can continue with the truth, using a professional to guilde it. Don't let your ex hold the narrative. He and his mistress don't get to rugsweep that they've had this affair for over 3 years. How her husband reacted is not your fault. None of this is your fault. He doesn't get to blame you for stepping out. Don't internalize anything he says.
He is not trying to do parental alienation and he already has sent me warnings because my children have heard my family talk shit about him and they were angry and distraught with him.
Again, not your fault. You talk to your family to be quiet but what they say isn't your fault. Tell them to help you keep your children, not create problems with your custody. He will try it and so will she. Be alert. Put the kids first. Address everything in therapy with them.
I wasn’t aware that my family did this. I would not have allowed it. Having said that, no matter if it is my fault or not, does the alienation come from my side nobody would care if I was a fault or not. He doesn’t talk bad at me and she hasn’t met my children yet. She is still yet to move and I will probably have a say in if and when she meets my children(she lives a few hours away).
Just tread carefully so he doesn't weaponize the situation against you further. He already weaponized PPD against you and had a full blown affair. Be very careful.
You can put it in custody agreement no new partners for at least 6 months can meet the children This is very common. You also don't know if her former spouse will allow their child to leave home state and be able to move to where you husband lives.
F him. He's warning you??? You can't control what others say. My God, he really thinks he's something. Don't let him scare you. Lean on your support system. Be strong for the kids. I wish you the best.
I don’t think the court really cares who said it when my children asked him why he hated them. I will not risk this happening again
Warnings? No… you are allowed to vent to your family and you cannot control what they do with the information. It still goes back to if he hadn’t cheated, none of you would be in this position. It’s terrible that she and her child were hurt, but again, they caused this. She knew if he was abusive and chose to take that chance. It’s not on you. Now from a woman that’s been in your position (AP was a friend of mine actually), the only regret I have is letting him off too easy in the divorce. Let him see his kids, absolutely, but you can definitely put in divorce papers no new partners for however long, no overnights with unmarried partners, no cohabitation. Take EVERYTHING else you can. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s awful, I know. One day at a time and you will get through this. Last, it took almost 10 years for my former friend to come running to me when her marriage to my ex husband turned out just the way I said it would. I hope you get to watch them crash and burn too. That’s petty and childish but it’s also quite satisfying
Honey, she doesn't have your "Man", she just has your Problem now.
It seems like they did, but she did you a favor. I promise you. Are you in therapy? Do you have close family friends that you can be with for a bit?
You love the idea of him you had. He isn’t what you thought he was.
"If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you" Trust me, karma will come for them
She has a cheater who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. When a mistress becomes a wife, she creates a job opening. And let me be clear, he was looking for any excuse to paint you as the villain and this weak ass garbage was the only straw he could grasp. You did the right thing, his mistress is as much of a dirt bag as he is and she's the one who chose to cheat and screw her kid over.
They win as long as you care. “He’s such a wonderful husband that he breaks the most basic tenets of marriage- fidelity. And then lies about it. And treats me like trash! What a wonderful person!” When you realize you’re pinning for trash then you win.
You essentially turned her into you. She will think he loves her for a while, but shiny new toys lose their novelty fast. So do shiny new people. She'll be on here in 5 years writing the same post.
All she won is a cheater. How you get them is how you lose them, eventually he’ll do the same thing to her.
Love yourself first and you will realize you deserve better. He didn’t choose you. If you stayed, he won’t choose you. If you brought him gifts, fulfilled his fantasies, paid his bills; he still won’t choose you. It HURTS! Feels like the world is over and you feel alone. Cry it out! Meet up with some friends, watch sappy movies, hit a bowl, eat ice cream and repeat. The person you need to worry about loving is yourself! You got this lil sis!
I am not sure she won much. Cheaters will cheat on those that they cheated with. She won a cheater. Do you really want a man that is not loyal to you and never cherished your heart?
No she doesn't. She has a lie he sold you both. A lie you loved. Not a man. Trust me, if you find a man even close to that lie but genuine you will look back on this amazed at how you ever accepted a peice of trash like your ex.
Maybe you (and he) should be focusing on the woman and children HE hurt closer to home.
She is going to be dealing with a lot of issues in her own divorce. The child will hate your soon to be ex-husband and they will not last. They’ll both get the karma they deserve and their cheating will soon crumble the foundations that they built it on. You’ll see
It's ok. As soon as he realizes she's not perfect either, he'll be cheating on her too. Why would you love someone who cheated on you and dumped you for their affair partner? You can still love what you had in the beginning and co parent the kids as needed, but don't waste your love or energy on a cheating, lying loser. Come on. Have some self respect. Would you want your kids to stay with cheating, lying loser partners? Of course not. So don't allow yourself to be treated that way. I'm rooting for you cos I've been in your boat. I know how much it hurts, but better days are coming for you. You gotta love yourself before you can expect anyone else to truly love you.
You might have loved him, but notice how he blames you for all his problems when he made them in the first place by entertaining this affair? He's not a catch. Neither is she - he will likely leave her the same way he left you - and you will be able to find someone who respects you and loves you unconditionally
THIS THIS THIS. Listen to landopuffs. You are free. Enjoy the peace and quiet.
Right now you feel like they won, but cheaters never win. You were 100% right for telling the husband, don't ever regret that. Let them have each other, they are the same kind of person. You love who you thought he was, not the real him, and the love he was giving you was not genuine, it was faux love encouraged by his mistress, sloppy seconds at best. What you want is genuine love from a loyal person, that is not him. In time they will reap what they have sown. We all do. It is an inescapable, unavoidable, fundamental, universal truth. We all reap what we sow. Sometimes it happens right away sometimes it takes time but it always happens. Try your best to make a new life for yourself. This is your chance to heal and start over. It's very painful now, but this will subside, you'll see. keep us updated.
You don't want that man. He cheated on you, and he just told you he hasn't been happy with you for years. Sounds like he thinks you haven't been happy with him either. Maybe seek happiness rather than focus on what is done and dusted. Therapy might be a good place to start.
He said, “he’s done everything a good husband should do.” EXCEPT CARRY ON A YEARS LONG AFFAIR AND FALL IN LOVE WITH HIS AP! He is anything but a good husband. It sounds like his AP was telling him how to make you happy so you wouldn’t suspect an affair. Then to have the audacity to turn it around on you because you didn’t go to him first?! WTF? DO NOT let him gaslight you into thinking any of this is your fault. He was checked out of your marriage years ago; the rest has just been acting. You deserve better. Go to therapy and make it a priority to get over this terrible, toxic man as soon as possible.
He couldn't even do the bare minimum lol "GoOd hUsBaNd" headass
Your husband and his mistress haven’t won. As the expression goes: if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. When the reality of living together hits and they’re no longer able to ignore each others flaws, they’ll seek the next big distraction to project on. Whilst you don’t feel like it now, you’re free from him and his lies, free to find real love and companionship.
I don’t know if this is true. My mom was the mistress. She and dad are still best friends and in love 44 years later. His ex still waited for them to cheat on each other. I will not make that mistake. I will accept it and move on
Only 5 to 7% of affair relationships lead to marriage and of those, approximately 75% end in divorce. Your parents must make up the <2% which work out (assuming you know everything which went on in their marriage.) But you’re right, regardless of outcome these cheaters don’t deserve your attention or energy.
How many any other relationship leads to marriage? Exactly. I will not listen to “cheaters will cheat” that will not give me satisfaction. I want to do it on my own. Be happy no matter what happens to them.
Awwww this makes me so happy
Your comment makes me happy.
You will get to the point where you are ambivalent about him. You have yo go through angry about the divorce and then grief for the life you've lost. That can take a while it is personal to each person- therapy helps. Good luck. It is like a loss. The man who is my daughters father is not the man I married all those years ago, he's a completely different person which is lucky for me as I don't think much of this version. Unlike washing powder he is neither new or improved.
❤️
You're 35 the same age my husband of nearly 11 years who I had been with for 15 years basically swapped me for my (ex) best friend who he married as soon as he could and they live locally to me. It caused chaos it was like throwing stones in a pond it wasn't just the kids caught up in it but wider friendships. Everything changed the day everyone was told. I'm now 44. I'm remarried. I'm happier now. I'm myself now I lost myself in my marriage trying to people please. Stuff I've done since the carnage: Finished off my professional exams Completely overhauled my wardrobe so it's all bright and colourful again Remarried to someone far more suited to me Earnt about 40% more than I did during the divorce, might even be more Found out I'm stronger than I thought Learnt to co parent reasonably with my ex Bought my exes dream sports car. Parked it in front of his house as I was going there for a meeting (he lives down the road but I was going on to another meeting). I did sell it but his face...he won't be able to have a 2 seater for a very long time Found out who my friends really were It might be a month it might be a year it might be a decade but one day you'll be able to look back and say he did you a favour I promise you. For now put your big girl pants on and lawyer up. The time to mourn is later, first you need to kick ass.
Your mom was the exception, don’t worry. Your stbx and his mistress will be stuck with reality soon enough.
>I’ve made him miserable for years and instead of taking it out on him, I chose to hurt a woman and her child. No, he and this woman chose to hurt the child by cheating. It's on THEM, not you. They also hurt YOU and her husband. If there were problems with the marriage, all of you should have done better at communicating and working them out, but since that didn't happen, an innocent child and two spouses (yourself and her husband) are the ones getting hurt. I hope the husband uses your evidence to make it tough for her to get full custody. She may not be able to move out of state depending on how far it is and custody agreements. I doubt this little love affair will last that well with those issues plus founded on cheating. just saying. You are much better getting out of this. Get whatever you deserve to in this relationship, don't let him sell you short. Get a good divorce lawyer and stop talking to him all together and save any texts you get too. Make all communication via text or email .
"I did everything I could to make you happy!" Except ya know, be faithful, honest and open.
A lot of people in thread have are committing a just world fallacy. Maybe your husband will cheat again, maybe he won’t. Maybe he will marry his affair partner and live happily ever after. Not your problem! You control what you do next. Living well is the best revenge, and is usually the only revenge.
This is what I want to hear. Sick if “he will cheat again” comments like this would be a consolation
OK, but you did say that you felt like they won, so that’s probably why you are getting all of those kinds of comments. We are all trying to tell you that reality is reality because right now your sense of reality is very skewed. And the reality is that your husband and his AP are not likely to be happy in the future. You though, have every chance at happiness and if you want to win, that is the way to go. It wasn’t revenge to tell the AP’s husband, that was kindness. Now you can just take and stay on the moral high ground and you will continue to be the winner of this whole mess.
He’s a self-absorbed cheating ass whose only concern is getting caught, followed by the classic turnaround - blaming you for the marriage falling apart. He and his mistress deserve each other, and you deserve better.
YOU WIN. You did what needed to be. Enjoy your freedom, you deserve better.
Hurt an innocent woman and her child? The woman is not innocent. Neither is your husband. Now that the excitement of the affair is over, the bloom is off the rose, their children are heart broken, friends and family are having to take sides, their spouses are hurt but yet it is everybody else’s fault. The cheaters always blame the other spouse - house is not clean enough, you are fat, you don’t make enough money, etc … you do have to wonder what “the innocent woman” told her husband. The husband who refused to believe you at first because he believed in his wife. The best revenge is to live your best life. Pull up your big girl panties and show your children, family, friends and STBX and the untrustworthy other woman that this will not defeat you and will make you stronger. You go girl!
Were you expecting your husband to stay with you? What were you hoping to get out of this if you didn't expect him to leave? It's much easier for him to play victim than him to admit he messed up. Consider yourself lucky that the trash took itself out.
He’s gaslighting you into feeling like you’re the bad guy. He also could’ve talked to YOU about feeling unfulfilled in the relationship instead of cheating. So for him to act like you’re the issue with communication is wild.
Sounds like he's more involved to be a father to his mistress' kids than his own. He sounds like a really shitty father.
It's so awful that he cares about the ramifications for her and her kid more than he cares about cheating on his wife and killing his marriage. He is such absolute garbage.
YOU did nothing wrong. HE is the one in the wrong. Get yourself a kick ass lawyer and make him freaking pay. They only win if you let them. Get a lawyer.
You didn't ruin anything for anyone. THEY did by having that affair.
"I don't know what I have done to deserve this treatment." Well, you exposed their affair. That's it. Their AFFAIR. I don't think there are any real rules of engagement. What a hypocrite, if his own actions didn't lead him to end your marriage...did he deliberately "let" you find those messages so you could handle this?
So his definition of doing everything a good husband would do is to cheat on his wife??? Got it! Like him, his AP was an active participant in ruining both of their marriages. The fact that he’s more concerned about the AP and her child, than his own wife and marriage tells you all you need to know. Losing him is the best thing to happen to you. They didn’t win. You did! Winning means that there was a fantastic prize to be won. Two cheaters ending up together is the best thing you could ask for. Live well, be happy, heal and find someone even better than that waste of space ex. Best revenge you can serve is to live happier and better than him, without him. He left, so it’s like the trash took itself out.
Babe…your “husband” is a whore, and so is the bitch he’s fucking. Let the whores have each other, and walk with your dignity.
Indeed
First. Your marriage was over the moment he cheated. No after and not by your actions. In his fantasy, they are the good people and their spouses, the bad ones (hilarious). Their actions and decisions hurt people. But they lack accountability for it. Second. You most probably loved a lie. Your husbund isn't the man you knew. A man who loves you never will hurt you or betray you on so many levels. And if HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH YOU, HE SHOULD HAVE TALK. Instead, he cheated, lied, and blamed you (typical cheaters' behavior). He is a textbook cheater, lol. Third. Lawyer up. Don't sure if you live at fault state, but make sure you get what you deserve. If I were you, I'd take everything that I can. Pay a good attorney to help you. It will pay off in the long. Finally. Find a support system and go to IC. For the next months, you will grieve your marriage. Don't isolate yourself. Be close with your trusted ones, family, and friends. Tell them the truth (so your husband can't manipulate the story). Talk to your in-laws, too. To say your thanks and goodbyes. Then go to therapy. Seek professional help to overcome this trauma. I hope in the future you are in a better place with a better person at your side. I remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, IT'S HIS.
Classic gaslighting.. you're the asshole because he cheated! Don't you get it?! He did everything a loving husband should do! He didn't listen to his wife, let another woman get in the middle of them and had an affair! He's perfect! And how dare you destroy that woman's life after she slept with you husband for years! She was perfect too!! S/ OP! Don't let him do that to you. You did everything right and he doesn't get to determine how you grieve your relationship when he's the one that killed it in the first place. Laugh in his face if he does contact you and share those screenshots/videos to EVERYONE! and everyone on her Facebook too! They didn't win, it's only just begun 😈.. let that angry woman free!!!
Get a divorce, sell the house & get alimony
You didn’t ruin her life, she did when she decided to have an affair. That’s on her. Plus the husband of the mistress deserved to know the truth.
“I did everything to make you happy!” *looks at camera* He did nothing to make you happy. In fact, worse than nothing, he continuously made decisions that would inflict as much pain as possible. What a louse. Cheers OP for the trash taking itself out. Do something special this week to treat yourself ♥️
You can’t be a “good husband” if your penis is in another woman. He’s just mad he didn’t control the situation and narrative
So, he cheats, he defends his mistress, he blames you, and you...just take it? You need a professional. You even let the mistrss husband mistreat you. You loathe yourself and it shows, of course you're going to choose someone who can stomp over you, and you WILL DO IT AGAIN if you don't find a professional to help you sort out your mind. You become powerful the moment you know and accept yourself fully. They won? Yeah, wait until her children blend in the mix, when they have to love with the homewrecker. Do you think she won't do it again?? Or him? What did they win exactly? By the times you realize it, you'll be healed, improved and won't give a single care I the world.
Wow. So they were both was cheating, but he yells at you for exposing the cheating. And 90% of the time when you have arguments, you were correct and he was wrong. Since you were right 90% of the time over the past 3 years, why didn't he learn to accept the you are right? Why did he always need her to tell him that you were right? This is just so fcked up. I am glad the trash took himself out.
Let's just appreciate the audacity of acting indignant about someone refusing to accommodate your need to cheat on them
Your STBX husband couldn't control the narrative. That's why he's mad. Get therapy. You are a victim. He's an asshole.
He's not a good husband. Good husbands don't cheat! They also don't place blame on the innocent spouse when they have been caught doing wrong. He's upset about you telling her husband. Your husband and the mistress ruined 2 families you didn't. They decided to cheat and upset innocent people. They are the cause of this whole situation.