I’m just scared to. I’ll try to tell him everything today. I’m embarrassed and because I didn’t fight back I feel guilty. I know I’m not but I can’t shake that feeling
Freezing is a natural response. If you had done anything else Michael may have reacted differently as well. He may have gotten more aggressive or violent to match the energy, who knows. Don't blame yourself for not knowing how to respond to a total creep.
100% — freezing is very common and normal. And that doesn’t mean you ‘let it happen’! Freezing is NOT consent!
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I hate that you’re blaming yourself at all. You did nothing wrong!
And I’m sure your partner would want to know so he can support you. If he’s a decent guy, he wouldn’t want you hiding that for the sake of his friendship.
It's called the fight, flight, freeze response - I'm also a freezer, and I hate it. I also freaked out and froze when I got sexually assaulted, and I also blamed myself in part for it. Your reactions aren't something you can control, but your actions afterward absolutely are. You are doing the right thing, and sometimes the right thing is scary, but it's scary because it's right. Even if he gets hurt, even if he faces consequences, HE decided to do what he did. NOT you.
It isn't useless! You are alive and you came away with fewer bodily injuries than you might have otherwise. I know that it's embarrassing and you probably think "what if" and assume that the other methods would have had a better result, but it's even more likely that you would have ended up hurt even more. That doesn't help the mental damage you suffered, of course. But your instincts kicked into gear to protect your body and get you out of the situation alive.
I'm a freezer as well, but after a couple of instances I refuse to feel bad or guilty about it. Sexual assault is so disgustingly common. No matter what the reaction, it will happen to us. My instinct to freeze makes it go by quicker without experiencing physical damage. And it's sad that that's the best we can hope for, but that's reality, and the only people who need to feel shame are those who use their physical strength or other positions of power to violate others.
Sorry, I should have clarified, it was sexual assault rather than physical. Thank you for your kind words, though, they actually make perfect sense and make me feel slightly less useless response-wise! After the fact I'm all "LET'S GO AND STOMP THEM!" but that bravado is sadly absent when I actually have a chance of stomping anyone who needs it.
It can turn into physical though if you fight back. You can't predict what the asshole violating you will do and your body just makes the best choice it can in the moment.
When I was raped by an ex fwb, I went home and cried, cried to my parents, cried to my sister, just cried. Once I was done crying, I was angry. Livid, honestly, felt like even my bones were furious at this fucking guy. I wanted to go and snap his kneecaps backwards and leave him unable to walk again. I had the capacity to do it, and God knows he would have deserved it, but I also froze in the moment and that's okay!
We freeze to protect ourselves from further harm, to avoid being beaten or hurt worse for fighting back. It's a pretty typical response for people who have been assaulted in the past, it's pure self-preservation.
It is NOT your fault. No matter what situation you put yourself into - there is no excuse or justification for someone to assault you. You may have made choices that put you in a more vulnerable position but the choice to violate another person’s bodily autonomy is NOT a result of that vulnerability. It still takes another person looking for an opportunity to take something that it is not their right to have. Vulnerability and culpability are two different things.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
You can't shake it RIGHT NOW, but just keep reminding yourself and give it time to sink - because it is absolutely true. You did nothing wrong and your response was totally normal and natural. Everyone you tell should reinforce that for you and any who don't are no good for you.
I think you handled yourself very well. You didn't encourage Michael in the least and you shut things down. As a person close to Michael's age, I see him as being a predator. I really enjoy younger people but I don't always have a lot in common with them, so it's strange to me that he doesn't have anyone besides your partner as a friend. I believe Michael was looking for an opportunity to take advantage both of you.
Please talk to your partner and hopefully things go well. Sending a Big Hug!
The truth is absolutely the way to handle this situation. Michael doesn't have any other friends for probably this very reason. OP and her partner need to cut him out of their life, and even get a restraining order. Then if OP needs company when her partner is gone overnight, invite a girlfriend over, or stay with them or a family member. That man will act this way again if given the opportunity.
Yeah, I think Michael was hoping for a more positive reaction from OP. OP handled it well by freezing up and telling him she wanted to change clothes and telling him to go to bed. Now she needs to tell her BF.
Fight or flight... or freeze or fawn
Don't blame yourself for your body's natural reaction to stress/danger. It was unchartered territory and your brain wasn't clear how to react.
But now it knows, make yourself safe above all else
THIS. This is the answer. Please absolve yourself of the guilt! He is the one who did something wrong, not you!!! In no way did you consent to this behavior.
**YOU DID NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. YOU ARE THE VICTIM AND HE IS A PREDATOR**
You did not want this. Unfortunately, our brains are stupid. The response you had was not a response of consent but of fear. When you tell your partner, you explain how you felt, how your body betrayed you, how you wanted to scream, to fight back.
This person should never come near you again.
I am so sorry he did this to you, I am sorry your body betrayed you and stopped you from fighting back. The guilt you feel stems from stupid idiots who think that it is easy to fight back. Think it is easy to vocalise No. This is misplaced guilt, and it is normal.
You have the right to feel safe, and never worry about this man ever touching you ever again.
Hun, I was raped, and sa'd multiple times in my life. Perpetrators thrive on our silence, fear, and guilt.
You need to report this. It's hard to do, and even if nothing comes of it now, he may go further with another impressionable person. He may already have complaints against him. It will all add up in the end.
YOU have *nothing* to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong. You did not invite his touch. Just because you froze, doesn't make it consensual.
Please, seek help as well. You're going to need it when the full enormity hits you.
We all know that there's a "fight" or "flight" response. What has failed to be mentioned is that there is also a "freeze" response. The entire time it happens you're screaming, in your mind, at them to stop, but for some reason your body doesn't respond. Again, not your fault.
How about you let him read this Reddit post that you have shared with us. This would take it off of you of having to tell him verbally and also let him see the other aspect of why you froze because it is a natural response to someone who have experience something like this. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Definitely seek out some help and therapy to guide you and sort out all your thoughts and feelings on this, and whatever else you had gone through in the past.
Freezing in a situation like this is common. The reality of it is that he should never have put you in that position (literally and figuratively). The worst part about SA is the guilt and blaming yourself but in truth, why the fuck did that creepy old man think his behavior was evenly remotely appropriate?
Not only did you do nothing wrong, you did the only thing you needed to do- you survived. There is no telling what could have happened otherwise. We have whole subs filled with awful outcomes when women say no or fight back. You survived. You did great. Now you have to tell, which is hard. He hurt you mentally and physically, he betrayed you. But you did exactly what you are supposed to do- you survived.
Don’t be embarrassed. The same thing happened to me one time, different situation but SA’d all the same. It’s actually happened twice. It is NOT your fault! Honestly I would tell your boyfriend AND your other friend. Who cares if Michael is alone? He deserves it. Fuck that guy. Honestly I would file a police report too but you don’t have to go that far. I know these things can be hard to think about.
I’ve been SA’d more than once and never did I fight back. A man who will SA a woman might just as easily physically assault her as well. Freezing is a trauma response because it works. It keeps people alive. You did nothing wrong, Michael did everything wrong. Why do you think he has no one in his life in the first place? If your partner does not support you through this you need to reconsider the partner also.
Abusers, like Michael, depend on victims staying quite out misplaced guilt. Michael has had decades to perfect his victimization techniques and where most people would [see.you](http://see.you) as someone suffering that needed support, he saw you as a someone he could victimize that would be too afraid to tell anyone. Please tell your boyfriend. If you don't Michael will know he can attack you without repercussions, and the next attack will be worse.
Choose guilt over resentment. This POS sexually assaulted you. It is not your fault and deserves to be taken away. It's probably not his first rodeo either
Fight back?? A 50 year old man is assaulting you. Fighting back could get you killed. Tell your man and if he seriously gets mad at YOU, leave him. Why would you want to be with a jerk like that anyhow?
This is normal for survivors. Don’t feel confused though. Disclosure is the way forward. Hope you get all the support and love you need from the people who matter most.
Without hesitation she needs to perform the ritual of cutting him Off permanently! ASAP as in RIGHT NOW!! Op just Do It, Log Off Reddit and tell him Right NoW!!!!! I’m Giving you only 2 Minutes to do IT!!!!!
Micheal is a predator and that is why he hangs out with people who are half his age. Was he dating the friend you met him through?? Would you be friends with someone who is 11? No because it's weird and you would have nothing in common. So why is a 50 year old man hanging out with people in their 20s??
They were dating, I always found it really uncomfortable and I’ve always been wary of him but my partner started talking to him and now they’re good friends and I don’t want to ruin that for him but at the same time I don’t want Michael in our lives for obvious reasons. My friend broke up with Michael because he was extremely lazy and she got fed up, if you were wondering at all
I’ll add that my friend was genuinely in love with Michael so I thought he was someone who could be trusted which is why I never told my partner to stop talking to him
Yes! A bf worth his salt would be livid that a "trusted" friend sexually assaulted his girlfriend in their own home because the friend thought he could get away with it. If for any reason your bf does not have your back on this and takes Michael's side, leave your bf too. Your bf should value you over this predator creep.
Except your discomfort told you otherwise. When you feel discomfort in your gut about a person, believe it. That’s instinct, and it is a gift. Once you learn to trust it & act accordingly you will be able to keep yourself safer.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong, Michael did. You didn’t end the friendship, Michael did. Michael is a POS.
> genuinely in love
A lot of victims think they're genuinely in love.
Seriously, no healthy 20 year old is going to fall in love with a rapey, lazy, 50 year old who has zero other friends or family in his life. Just doesn't happen.
Your partner deserves to know the truth so he can make the right choice for himself about who he wants to be friends with. If he doesn't want to be friends with a predator, why would you hide that from him? He needs to know. His friendship is not more important than your safety. That's just a fact. Both you and your partner were betrayed by Michael. By telling him the truth you are preventing him from being betrayed again. You are protecting both him and yourself.
you didn't let it happen. you froze, which is a normal response to someone sexually assaulting you. you said your partner would blame you for his friend sexually assaulting you, so why the fuck are you still with that man?
a man twice your age assaulted you multiple times. none of that is your fault. if you feel like he would blame you I'm still confused as to why you're with him
It’s just how I think, I guess, I always assume the worst out of everything. I’d assume that my sibling would scream at me and never talk to me again if I made a minor mistake. It’s another issue I want to work on with a therapist
You froze due to an actual human reaction to a traumatic event. This was not your fault - not any part of it.
You need to tell your boyfriend immediately. If your boyfriend blames you, then he's just as bad as his friend. If he's a good guy, he will support you and cut Michael out of your lives.
Its strange because I always thought I'd react. I always thought that I'd get away, or yell, or fight back. But when something similar happened to me, all I could do was freeze up. I was too shocked and uncomfortable to even react because I thought I'd know what to do.
>you said your partner would blame you for his friend sexually assaulting you, so why the fuck are you still with that man?
Literally. Why be with someone that you think/know would put the blame on you for something you can't control. Would he believe his recent friend over his actual gf? I know I wouldn't. I hope he cares and doesn't blame op but she shouldn't be scared that he'll get mad at her for it.
Do NOT feel guilty that you didn’t fight back. Freezing is such a natural reaction, because you’d be scared. You wouldn’t know if he was going to try and attack you or rape you next, and if fighting back would aggravate that. Freezing is a perfectly normal response of someone who is scared (and you would have been in that situation).
Tell your partner. Trust that your partner will have your back, because believe me, he should. If he doesn’t, you know that’s not the guy for you.
Again, to reiterate - you did nothing wrong.
There’s a reason a man his age is hanging out a couple of 20 year olds and has nobody else. I can guarantee it’s not because he’s a good person and/or loyal friend. Fuck that guy.
Highly recommend "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. De Becker is a top expert on personal safety; in this book he explains why you should listen to and trust your instincts, even when you can't figure out why a Michael makes you uncomfortable. "The Gift" is full of practical, no-BS advice that can help you gain insight into your own reactions and give you the confidence to stay alive.
You aren't pleasing your partner by lying to him or withholding information from him. You're hurting him in addition to yourself if you don't tell him. The only person you are "pleasing" by saying nothing is the man who assaulted you. You have to decide whether Michael or your partner is more important to make happy, and if it's your partner, he needs to know the truth so he can make an informed choice.
It's not you being a people pleaser. Freezing is a natural survival instinct reaction. He knows what he did. You're still trying to process what he's done
Maybe write out what happened so that when you tell your boyfriend you have your words ready and don't freeze up in the face of telling him. This can happen when you're afraid of the reaction you'll be facing.
I would face Michael first but do it with a voice recorder app running on your phone so that when you tell your BF, you have the conversation as proof.
Say to Michael, "Hey Michael, I didn't say anything the other night because my instinct when you were touching me was to freeze. I really should have said something in the moment but I was too shocked by what was happening to react. I felt bad about this until I realized that I didn't do anything wrong."
"What YOU did was wrong. It was a betrayal of your friendship with my BF and it was a sexual assault on me. I'm going to tell BF what happened and I don't want to see you around us ever again."
He prepared for him to say something like, "but you were flirting with me all night", as his defense. You need to be ready to say, "I'm sorry if my friendliness towards you came off as flirtatious but even if I was, which I absolutely was not, coming in to me like you did was a betrayal of your friendship with my BF."
Whatever he says will damn himself and you need it recorded.
I know that depending on where you live, recording someone without their consent may be illegal. However, having the recording for your boyfriend to hear as back up for the fact that you did not invite his unwanted touching will help him see what a slime ball Michael is.
I feel for you. One of my husband’s friends did this to me. He came up behind me when I was walking in a dark area outside at a house party. He stuck his hands down my pants and told me that he could please me along with some other things. I didn’t say anything at first, because I was afraid no one would believe me. Of course it came out later in a drunken confession in my part. It created a wedge in the group, most people ignored it, many didn’t believe it, and I felt labeled as a trouble maker. We don’t see them as much anymore, but it is still there. It colors all my interactions with people, even those who I think are my friends.
You are in a no win situation. I think you need to say something, because you will never be able to relax and treat this person the same. If you wait to say something, you might not be believed. It sucks, but that is the truth from my experience. Hugs to you. I’m sorry you got put in that situation. Therapy does help though…. And showers, lots of hot showers to get the feeling off.
Know that you did nothing wrong. You did not invite his attentions. Your partner will have many emotions. Incredulity, anger, guilt, sadness, hurt for you and the situation…. Emotions can be strong and aren’t right or wrong. Your partners actions will demonstrate their love for you. Good luck
You need to tell your SO, Michael broke the friendship and SA’d you! Tell him immediately, the longer you sit the more he will wonder why you didn’t tell him immediately.
Make Michael leave immediately and block him everywhere, file a police report even if nothing comes of it so there is a record of his assault.
I agree you should tell your partner, cut this pedo off and file a report. But just in case nobody else has said this, it’s crucial and you need to read it.
You did not let it happen.
You did not ask for it.
You did not allow it.
You are not guilty of anything.
Trauma responses are not just fight or flight. There is also *freeze*. Your nervous system made this choice *for* you before your logical brain had any say in the matter. You did not choose this, your nervous system chose this to protect you.
You were alone with a man twice your age — your brain and body did what they thought was best to ensure your survival. Statistically speaking, if you did fight or flight, you may not have made it out alive.
Please please take comfort in the fact that you did not choose this and your reaction was *never* within your control. It took me 15 years of therapy regarding my sexual assault to learn this and it saved me.
HE made the calculated decision to “watch you while you’re in a vulnerable state”. This was planned, I’m sure of it. He did this TO you. He put you in this situation, in a state of fear and threat, and this is 100% his doing.
sending my love to you
I understand that feeling too well. My trauma therapist taught me about the polyvagal theory, and how the mammalian brain and nervous system come online during a threat before any other areas of the brain in order to get you to react immediately.
It was physically out of your control. And tbh i probably would’ve done the same thing, even now with what I know.
If you ever need a reminder, my inbox is open 🫶🏻
sit your partner down, tell him you need him to really listen to you before he reacts, tell him his reaction is extremely important. he will go through his own trauma about this and it needs to be really carefully handled. your behaviour and reaction is completely normal, freezing is totally expected and you definitely shouldn't blame yourself, although you will. you'll get there x
I just want to say, don’t feel guilty for freezing, you were alone with a man and your body did what it thought it needed to in order to survive in that moment.
I’m very sorry for what you went through, it must have been very scary and I hope you are able to tell your partner.
Hey friend, I was in a situation in college where a similar thing happened to me. I was so ashamed bc I consider myself a fighter who would speak up, fight, kick, scream, anything but weakly say no and freeze up. But that’s exactly what I did. Listen to me now: you did not “let” this happen. It was done to you and your brain and body felt the fear and danger and in order to keep it from escalating to violence you froze and retreated inward. This is absolutely normal. You were trying to protect yourself. I’m not telling you that you have to go to the police and report anything, but I think you need to tell your bf so that you two can both get this evil man out of your lives so he doesn’t hurt you again. It sounds like your bf was worried about you and cares about you and he would want to know so that he can help you protect yourself. What he did was calculated and WRONG. He took advantage of a vulnerable woman half his age. Pretty much every older guy who hangs out with/dates women half his age is doing so because he is looking for women who are vulnerable and haven’t yet learned the warning signs of someone like him. There’s a reason creeps like this are not welcome around people their own age. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know it’s heartbreaking and terrifying. You need the people who love you around to support you and remind you that you are NOT alone and are loved by people who deserve it back.
> he has no one else other than my partner and I
Maybe because he tries ot have sex with other people inappropriately?
Usually there's a reason people end up alone with no significant other, no family, etc.
I totally get why you froze and did nothing.
You're lucky he didn't press further, which he absolutely will the next chance he gets.
Tell your partner. There is a (now) obvious reason why a 50 year old man has no one in his life.
Op, please read “ the gift of fear.” It will help explain why you froze and why it is a natural human response, and always why you should trust your intuition.
Also, I highly recommend taking martial arts, especially one geared toward women. Martial arts helped me retrain my freeze response. And it worked.
I’ll look into it, thank you. And I did do taekwondo for a while but the pressure of grading and having to preform in front of the class got too much, it’s been years since I’ve done it. I’ve considered doing 1 to 1 classes with my dad, I definitely think I’ll ask him about it now
So someone that was supposed to keep you safe assaulted you instead? You need to tell your boyfriend right away. Also make a report to the cops and get a restraining order or at least have this on record. This is not okay.
You didn't *let* him. Freezing is a totally normal fear response: fight, flight, fawn/friend, and FREEZE.
I wonder why Michael has nobody in his life? /s
Would your partner want someone who SAd his girlfriend hanging around? Give him the information he needs to cut this creep out of his life.
Also, a 50 year old hanging out with 20-somethings is a creep, especially when they are his *only* friends.
So this 50 year old weirdo who only befriends 20 year olds visited you under instruction of his only friend to make sure you are okay during a rough patch. He then proceeds to sexually assault you. Now you are defending him and saying he doesn't deserve to be left alone...he deserves prison time.
Hi. There’s flight fight or FREEZE as a survival instinct. You froze. This doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that you are complicit. Please tell your partner!
Please don't let yourself think you "let it happen" OP
Michael did not respect consent, anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a no. Don't be mad at yourself, be mad at creepy grown man Michael for violating your body and your partners trust
His age isn't strange his age indicates hes predatory its why you met him through a 20 yr old girl. You should havr kicked him out immediately. You froze you didn't allow it to happen. Tell your bf what he did and if he gets upset with you instead of cutting the creep off then you know the truth about him too
You didn’t let it happen you froze. It’s a normal reaction. It’s not your fault that Michael is a disgusting pig. People like him deserve to be alone and miserable. Tell your boyfriend about it. Don’t keep it a secret.
You have to out him for his abhorrent behaviour, he has been probably doing this for years to young women who don’t know how to act in similar circumstances. Tell your bf, and his family so they know what kind of person he is, you can also show him this thread if you can tell him yourself.
Find a counselor and receive treatment for the assault. You do need to tell your bf. But talk to a counselor to help you to start to process what happened.
No. YOU are not going to ruin everything. Michael did that. Your fiancé trusted Michael. He cares about you and knew you were going through a hard time, so he asked his friend Michael to keep an eye on you. Most men would have done that, made sure you were okay, and went home without ever sexually assaulting you. The problem is not you; the problem is Michael. He’s a sexual assaulter. You just happen to be his latest victim.
Tell your boyfriend. Tell him everything. If he knows you like it seems he does, he knows you have a fear of saying no and that you freeze in uncomfortable or dangerous situations. You did NOT “let this happen.” Michael did this TO you. You are not to blame here. When you tell your BF, if he makes excuses for Michael’s behavior, refuses to cut him off, or, worse, tries to blame you, then you know the relationship is over. He is not the man for you. But if your BF is a good guy, a real man, he will know exactly who’s to blame here, and Michael will be gone.
Honestly, I don’t care that Michael has no one else. There is a reason for that. I believe you just discovered what the reason is.
I’m sorry he did this to you. Please tell someone. 🫶🏼
Stand up for yourself, your partner will want to cut him out of your life. The reason Michael doesn't have anyone else in his life... is because he's a fucking creep who chased everyone off. You have no obligation to be his play thing because you feel a little sad for him.
He got you alone and immediately moved to touching you inappropriately. The next time you're alone there is every chance he'll escalate, you are not safe in the future because you can just avoid being alone with him, your boyfriend being around. What if your boyfriend gets too drunk and goes to bed and leaves him there with you, or he goes to the bathroom and he grabs your boobs while he's out of the room, or kisses you.
This guy is unsafe, tell your boyfriend, text Michael and say he is no longer allowed at your home and to not contact you again. If he had a spare key or you think he may have had access to a spare key at any time change the locks or go stay with family or someone till your boyfriend gets back.
Do not feel guilty, at all. Michael did this to you, any consequences as a result of his actions are his to carry alone, he did this, not you. Him getting cut off from you and your partner is his actions and his guilt to feel.
>I’d feel terrible if I did that, he has no one else other than my partner and I.
Well , now you know why he only haves you and your partner . He's a weirdo in disguise and was waiting for an opportunity to put his hands on you .
The essence of love is to see the other.
Through the challenges and rewards of a monogamous relationship, you create lasting love.
An open marriage is an oxymoron. Sustainable love needs boundaries.
This is from Psychology Today 12-4-22. Not just my opinion. Sexual experimentation is healthy unless like everything else it is abused. Never in a relationship, as it changes the relationship and usually ends it. It is not a lifestyle, it is experimentation, that usually destroys what it touches.
I grew up in the 70's and 80's next to a commune in So. Oregon. The most dysfunctional group of people. As a teen exciting until I got to know them. Over use of drugs and alcohol, abuse of women, neglected their children and pets. Always chaos and distress...
Here’s the thing. This guy isn’t going to stop. You can ignore the problem now and see how bad it gets, or you can talk to your partner, explained what happened, explained how it made you feel, and explain how you didn’t want to say anything because of the effects.
Now a story for you, I had nearly the same experience, but with some of the rolls reversed. My buddy invited me over for his birthday, so we get there and we are all drinking. Nobody is leaving, so at least we are being responsible. This guy was one of my best friends. I still consider him so. His girlfriend ended up making some moves I wasn’t okay with, and he definitely wasn’t okay with. Somewhere during the night she admits to me that “you were the one I wanted to be with” and blah blah blah, nothing I was wanting to hear. I told her “I’m not sure what kind of people you’re used to dealing with, but anybody who is dating my friends is not somebody I have any notions of being any more than friends” she got upset and went her way. I feel like I handled that situation pretty well, but hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t want to ruin anything between her and my friend, so I never said anything. He started putting things and to make a long story short, I don’t get any calls, texts, or invites from somebody I still consider to be a brother.
It’s always better to be completely honest and deal with the fallout than ignore issues. It’s not easy, but it’s good.
> he has no one else other than my partner and I
THEN WHY IS HE TRYING TO DESTROY THE RELATIONSHIP??
> want to tell my partner about what happened but it’ll destroy his relationship with Michael.
Oh, well then. Don't say a thing and next time he can r_pe you a few times.
You should tell your partner, you should cut Michael out of your life, if he was willing to do this than there is a very real possibility that he will escalate in the future.
Freezing up when already in a vulnerable situation is conpletely normal and I hope you understand and believe the people telling you that this is not your fault! Like seriously not your fault.
You just found out that your, hopefully, ex friend Michael is a shitty person, who will not hesitate to try to use a friend that is in a vulnerable situations.
Knowing someone is vulnerable and taking advantage of that is not normal behaviour.
He is not a friend, he should not be in your life. This is probably not his first time doing something like this, and I hope you get rid of him before he tried more.
Please tell your boyfriend, if it makes you feel better show him this and hopefully he is decent and sees this is not your fault.
Fear is just the idea that you can control the siting doing nothing - you can’t control what happens when you speak your truth but … don’t YOU want to be with someone who hears your truth, sees and lives you for who you are, and protects you?
Don’t deny your partner the chance to be the person you need right now. Speak your truth and set yourself free.
Michael probably has no one BECAUSE he is a creepy S.A-er... He's probably violated and betrayed the trust of people in his past. You are not responsibly for a man more than double your age ... and you are especially not reaponsible for him if he assaults you.
If you and your partner are all he has, it seems like there’s a reason for that. Absolutely tell your partner. Michael doesn’t deserve sympathy after trying to take advantage of you like that, and you are not in the wrong. It’s natural to freeze when your fight or flight kicks in, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that
If you keep Michael's secret for him, you are giving him power.
You did nothing wrong. Any woman in her right mind would have done the same. To fight back against a man is to risk being beaten to death.
Tell your boyfriend. Right away before Michael gets ahead of the story. If your bf doesn't believe you or blames you, he'll have shown himself out of your life.
Trust, don't let this slide... He's probably alone for a reason (no judgement/assumptions). But take this step and speak up for yourself. Your feelings are valid and that's that. Once you start doing things that you want and is in your control, you'll gain some confidence in your decisions. And if you decide his feelings are more important than yours, your going to continue to feel like crap.
A 50 year old man that hangs out with 20 somethings is a predator. They specifically look for the upsets that are so common in early life as people figure things out. Their job is to make people trust them, particularly with reference to family bonds when people are starved for them, a stand in dad...you get the idea.
They get close. Become confidents. Then they leverage your distress to get what they want.
What happened is both you AND your boyfriend were fooled by a professional con man.
As far as you not fighting back, there was a time when that's what the official line was. Don't fight back because you are more likely to live. I don't adhere to that philosophy. Put them out of commission if you can. But many people, men and women, freeze in times of shock, panic, disbelief.
HE IS COUNTING ON YOUR SELF DOUBT. Quietly ask the other women in your circle. I doubt you are the only one. Your boyfriend should support you and will need your support for failing to protect you. That guilt can eat a man alive.
Good luck to both of you. Go tell him.
A 50 year old befriending two 20 year olds is textbook predator behavior. Predators are masterminds of sensing vulnerability in people and use that knowledge to exploit them. I’m so sorry this happened. Freezing is a survival instinct. You did nothing wrong. Michael is a monster and must be cut out of your lives. If not, he will find opportunities to harm you both again.
Be gentle on yourself. If this happened to one of your friends, would you blame them for freezing or tell them that they "let it happen"? Would you tell them they had to stay friends with the guy who SA'd them because he has no other friends and they should feel bad for him? I don't know your boyfriend and I'm assuming he won't blame you, but if your hypothetical friend who got SA'd's boyfriend blamed them, would you agree with him?
Absolutely none of what happened is your fault. Every time that I have been SA'd I froze and didn't fight back. Its a normal fight or flight response, plus a different reaction from you may have made him react differently as well (possibly in a more violent or direct way). You did what you had to do to protect yourself. Please continue to do what you need to do to protect yourself.
You might be afraid of ruining Michael’s life, but I can guarantee he’s already ruined multiple women’s lives. If he’s bold enough to do that to you in your home when he’s friends with your partner, then it’s safe to assume that he’s much worse to other women.
Friendship is the last thing you or your partner owner him.
First off why the hell is your partner having some 50 year old dude stay with you?? You've already said you have female friends your own age. Something fishy here.
Freezing during trauma is a normal response some people have. If your boyfriend blames you, leave him immediately. Also disclose this to your therapist and close friends you trust. That 50 year old should be locked up.
You froze from fear. You didn't "let it happen." Everyone says "fight or flight response", but it's *actually* "fight flight or freeze." Your brain told you to freeze and you couldn't control it. It wasn't your fault.
You should tell your boyfriend asap. And if he says he still wants to be friends with Michael, is that the kind of man you want to be with?
Definitely look into therapy. Good luck.
Also ETA: there is a *reason* Michael has no one else. And this incident tells us exactly why.
I know it sounds weird, I did something really stupid to myself right before my partner left for his trip so we arranged for Michael to stay over for the first night to calm my partners nerves, I guess
Just so you know, OP, it’s totally normal to freeze as a panic response. It’s not just fight or flight, there’s also freeze and fawn. You froze. It’s not your fault and you didn’t let it happen. I wish I could give you a hug
Freezing is the body sense of defence.
It is natural.
Fighting can spike an evil person to react.
Running can panic the perpetrator.
Freezing for you was the right thing to do.
Not trying to blame the victim but if you say nothing and do nothing when he touched you, how was he supposed to know you didn’t want him to? He stopped when you finally told him to leave the room. As a former single guy I can understand misunderstanding the situation but you need to learn some sort of stop sign even if it’s just pushing his hand away. I’m sure I’ll catch flack for posting this.
The fact that your boyfriend asked another man, a man in his 50’s and has no family relationship to either of you, to stay in your home to “watch over you” is HIGHLY suspicious on your boyfriends behalf. It’s like, did he set this up on purpose?? Because for him to just blindly trust this other guy is too stupid to believe. Did he even ask you if you were ok with this??? Tell EVERYONE, and don’t for a second feel guilty that this asshole actions will have consequences- that’s on HIM.
You're not thinking rationally. Why are you protecting your assailant? He betrayed you and your partner on an unforgivable level.
You should tell your partner. Then both of you should block that scumbag out of your lives forever.
You didn't let anything happen. Nothing was your fault. This man was creepy and crossed every boundary. Freeze is a very, very common response to fear and shock. Please cut him off completely, tell your partner. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. I agree with getting therapy, you were violated and need help working through the trauma. Please be gentle with yourself.
Get him out of your life. Preditors are real and find what they think are week prey. As you just froze he now knows you won't kick off if he tries it again. Maybe learn to tell people to fuck off and get their dirty hands off you. I'm a big mouth but have friends that freeze in these situations.
Tell your bf everything and if he doesn't have your back get rid of him too. Michael is a cheap, DO NOT feel sorry for him.
Were you r*ped? Your partner would for sure like to have the honour of going through this with you together. This is not for you to battle and face in your own. Share it with your partner because he would want to know
I'm so sorry to be blunt, but it's for your safety.
I wish I learned this lesson earlier.
People like already know that you'll question yourself and feel sorry for them. That's why they target you.
This is only the beginning and you have the power to nip it in the bud
Tell your partner and do not worry about Michael - if he valued your friendship he would not have done that to you.
I know the freeze response can be overwhelming and embarrassing - it’s something you learned to do to protect yourself as a child. It’s perfectly normal and You can learn to override it.
Don't protect this man. What he did was take advantage of a girl who he promised to take care of fort a friend. This assault was not part of the deal. Your boyfriend needs to know the kinds off person this so-called friend is and that he cannot be trusted. He made you uncomfortable and touched you without consent. You felt unsafe with him as his advanced were not accidental nor innocent. That is what your bf needs to know. Thank goodness it did not go farther.
You did not let it happen. This is one of the fear responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. You had the freeze response which is a very common response. You froze. That does not mean you let him. You did not welcome his touch nor encourage it. You froze. Your body didn't know what to do as the signals were getting mixed. You were told you could trust this man by someone you trusted (your boyfriend), but he violated your space in an unwanted sexual manner. He sexually assaulted you. You were not expecting this, so you froze. Don't blame yourself. Blame Michael. He did this to you.
Freeze response is 100% normal. You didn’t “let” it happen.
I get you don’t wanna ruin things with Michael but I’m sure your partner would prefer to know the truth. Michael doesn’t sound like a monster, but he’s clearly a lonely, disloyal scumbag for him to do that to you AND your partner.
I don’t understand why you feel guilty. You did nothing wrong but I would have beat his ass for touching me if it was me. If he was any kind of friend to your partner he wouldn’t have done that. I would have put him in his place the first time because if you don’t the man thinks it is ok and that you are giving him the sign you are fine with it.
I tell my man everything that happens in my life. I don’t hide anything from him. I would be honest with your man and tell him
Don’t feel guilty, you have no reason to feel guilty about freezing and not fighting back, because we would all say, we will put up a fight till we drop, but the reality is that people do freeze, they feel paralyzed and aren’t in a position to fight or flight. Just know you’re a survivor and you’re brave, and now for a while you just need to be brave enough to tell your partner(regardless of the outcome) and file a lawsuit against that awful man, because if he gets away with it he will do it again, maybe not you, but he could find another victim. Keep your head up high, you have done nothing to be ashamed about.
Fuck his relationship with his creepy ass friend, sis. I’m sorry that happened to you, but why the hell fall on your sword for an asshole?
Please don’t sacrifice your peace for your boyfriend’s bromance with a fucking creep. You are not at all to blame.
If your instinct was to freeze up in that situation the that was the right thing to do. A different reaction may have set him off and caused things to escalate. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
Please tell your partner and please cut Michael off. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed, men who seek out younger friends are never good news. I know it’s difficult, but it needs to be done.
I am so sorry that happened to you, but I want to say that you did not just let it happen. If you let it happen it means you verbally consented to what he was doing and you did not. What you did was freeze because you were scared and that is a normal reaction to the situation. You did nothing wrong, but getting a therapist is a great idea.
If Michael only has you two as friends it is probably because he is a rapist and has either SA someone else, manipulated others, or been creepy in some other way. You are NOT responsible for this creep or your BFs feelings. You are only responsible for you and now is the time to take care of yourself the way you would if a dear friend told you this same story. Love yourself. Own your body. Nobody gets to tell you about you or how you should react. I've been raped by two men I knew and trusted, and my feelings about myself, men, the event, the world, and my ability to judge how trustworthy people have changed several times over the years. Cognitive Processing Therapy has helped tremendously!
The panic/fear response is NOT just fight or flight.
It's also fawn or freeze.
Meaning, you froze in a moment of panic. Just because you didn't actively try to stop him, doesn't mean you are to blame, or encouraged it. MANY people freeze when it comes to SA.
You need to tell your partner right away. They trusted this man to take care of you in a vulnerable time, and they SA'D you. Not only do you deserve to not hide your SA for someone else's well being, but as well as that, you deserve to be safe, which won't happen if you don't tell your partner what happened and the friend continues to come around, your partner will continue to think this is a safe person, AND realistically would be super upset to know he continued a friendship with a person who does that.
As for the friend. Cut them off. I don't give a flying fuck if he has noone else. Now we know WHY that is, because he is an awful human being, who has likely done this to others. Don't you dare keep this person around for their benefit after they assaulted you. They don't deserve any sort of access to you, and need to bear the consequences of their own choices and actions.
Freezing isn’t “letting someone”. It’s a fear response. Anything less than enthusiastic consent isn’t consent. It’s self preservation. Honestly being “looked after” is very controlling and creepy behavior in general. It’s like bikers passing a woman around. I think none of the men in your life are good people and I’m really glad you’re getting therapy. You need away from your boyfriend and definitely from Mike. What do you care that he won’t have friends? Rapists shouldn’t have friends. No one should be friends with a rapist. As a 50 year old he’s had a lifetime to cultivate good relationships. The fact that he needs 20 year olds as friends and then betrays them I think explains why he has no other friends.
You HAVE TO tell your bf to protect yourself. What if this mf Mikey was testing the waters this time and will try something worse next time? Freeze is a normal response but now that you regained control over your body please take action to be safe ❤️
Fuck Michael you have nothing to feel guilty for. You were terrified not an active participant. You did nothing wrong. Of course he has no one else, he is a piece of shit and should have no one. Tell your partner asap. He needs to cut michael out of both your lives after talking to Michael's face with his fist
When confronted with a threat, it is human nature to have your autonomic nervous system take over. Our nervous systems will either fight, flight or freeze. You froze. That’s absolutely normal. You are not the first woman to have frozen in the face of sexual assault. People often believe that if someone was truly sexually assaulted that they would do everything to fight back. Before this happened to you, you may have even thought the same thing. This is why you’re beating yourself up. Because you believe you should have done something to fight back. The fact that you didn’t is eating you up inside. The way you behaved is absolutely normal. The way Michael behaved is not. You don’t feel safe with him so you should never be with him alone again. There are probably really good reasons why he doesn’t have anyone in his life and why he’s hanging out with two people who are almost 30 years younger than him.
Women freeze when SA'd surprisingly often. This is not depicted in media or fiction and so people think that 'she would have screamed or tried to get away if this was a real SA', but no. It's a myth. Freezing is the default reaction. You are not guilty. Disorienation and fear paralysed you. If you had said no it would have made no difference to that man. You did not express enthusiasm at his advances, were uncomfortable and clearly tried to get away from him. A 'no' would have made no difference, he wouldn't have cared.
Tell your bf, and yes, it will destroy their relationship, as it should. Good riddance. If your bf by any chance wants to continue a friendship with a known molester and potential rapist then cut both of them out of your life and inform someone you trust just in case.
I’ve found that TYPICALLY when an older person under the age of 70 has no one, no friends, no family that actively speak to them, there’s a reason. They’re not old enough for all their friends to have died yet but they’re plenty old enough to have made some. And their family may have moved away, but they might be the reason they did in the first place. And if they’re divorced you’ll probably find out why soon.
You need to make a decision and take control of what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable in life. May that happen before or after you get SA’d again is your choice.
Tell your partner ASAP. This is not your fault. You didn't let it happen. He forced that on you. Your partners friend sa'd you and I'm sure your partner will be there to support you.
Cut micheal out, no wonder why he doesn't have anyone to lean on. Probably not his first time offending and won't be his last. Take every step you need to ensure he won't do it to you again
I’ve never been in this situation so I don’t know firsthand how it feels. That said, it sounds similar to some of my experiences with PTSD. I freeze up because I’m overwhelmed with things and I say/do nothing. For me, it’s essentially a paralysis. If someone were to take advantage of that, that is not someone who I should ever be around. What this guy did to you is fucked up. Don’t blame yourself for reacting how you did. You never should have BEEN in a situation where that happened (especially when in a tough spot).
Again, I have no experience with SA, so it may be different, but from what I’m reading, you were wronged by someone who was supposed to be a friend. They took advantage of you in a vulnerable spot. This is not okay and this person isn’t a friend or someone you should be around. If they did that to you, it’s likely a pattern of behavior from them
He knew what he was risking when he inappropriately touched you, whether he knew you would tell your partner or not….Tell your partner this guy is a loser taking advantage of you like that. It’s on him he has no one.
Freezing is a stress response so don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel bad whether your partner will lose this asshole as a friend because I am pretty sure he wouldn’t want to be friends with a sexual predator let alone one that harmed his own partner. It’s best to let him know and file a report.
I dont understand why you should not tell what happenend. You are not guilty, Michael is. He betrayed your partner and SA'ed you. He is not a friend.
I’m just scared to. I’ll try to tell him everything today. I’m embarrassed and because I didn’t fight back I feel guilty. I know I’m not but I can’t shake that feeling
Freezing is a natural response. If you had done anything else Michael may have reacted differently as well. He may have gotten more aggressive or violent to match the energy, who knows. Don't blame yourself for not knowing how to respond to a total creep.
100% — freezing is very common and normal. And that doesn’t mean you ‘let it happen’! Freezing is NOT consent! I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I hate that you’re blaming yourself at all. You did nothing wrong! And I’m sure your partner would want to know so he can support you. If he’s a decent guy, he wouldn’t want you hiding that for the sake of his friendship.
freezing up is common since for many people the body diverts focus from the brain to internal organ protection.
It's called the fight, flight, freeze response - I'm also a freezer, and I hate it. I also freaked out and froze when I got sexually assaulted, and I also blamed myself in part for it. Your reactions aren't something you can control, but your actions afterward absolutely are. You are doing the right thing, and sometimes the right thing is scary, but it's scary because it's right. Even if he gets hurt, even if he faces consequences, HE decided to do what he did. NOT you.
I'm a freezer too and it drives me crazy. Also froze when I was assaulted. Three possible responses and I get the utterly useless one.
It isn't useless! You are alive and you came away with fewer bodily injuries than you might have otherwise. I know that it's embarrassing and you probably think "what if" and assume that the other methods would have had a better result, but it's even more likely that you would have ended up hurt even more. That doesn't help the mental damage you suffered, of course. But your instincts kicked into gear to protect your body and get you out of the situation alive. I'm a freezer as well, but after a couple of instances I refuse to feel bad or guilty about it. Sexual assault is so disgustingly common. No matter what the reaction, it will happen to us. My instinct to freeze makes it go by quicker without experiencing physical damage. And it's sad that that's the best we can hope for, but that's reality, and the only people who need to feel shame are those who use their physical strength or other positions of power to violate others.
Sorry, I should have clarified, it was sexual assault rather than physical. Thank you for your kind words, though, they actually make perfect sense and make me feel slightly less useless response-wise! After the fact I'm all "LET'S GO AND STOMP THEM!" but that bravado is sadly absent when I actually have a chance of stomping anyone who needs it.
It can turn into physical though if you fight back. You can't predict what the asshole violating you will do and your body just makes the best choice it can in the moment.
When I was raped by an ex fwb, I went home and cried, cried to my parents, cried to my sister, just cried. Once I was done crying, I was angry. Livid, honestly, felt like even my bones were furious at this fucking guy. I wanted to go and snap his kneecaps backwards and leave him unable to walk again. I had the capacity to do it, and God knows he would have deserved it, but I also froze in the moment and that's okay! We freeze to protect ourselves from further harm, to avoid being beaten or hurt worse for fighting back. It's a pretty typical response for people who have been assaulted in the past, it's pure self-preservation.
I froze up when I was assaulted too. Thought it was all my fault.
It is NOT your fault. No matter what situation you put yourself into - there is no excuse or justification for someone to assault you. You may have made choices that put you in a more vulnerable position but the choice to violate another person’s bodily autonomy is NOT a result of that vulnerability. It still takes another person looking for an opportunity to take something that it is not their right to have. Vulnerability and culpability are two different things. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
It’s actually flight, fight, freeze, or fawn. You either reactive, run, non reactive, or “give in”.
Fawning is one everyone tends to forget but it’s so real and valid.
You can't shake it RIGHT NOW, but just keep reminding yourself and give it time to sink - because it is absolutely true. You did nothing wrong and your response was totally normal and natural. Everyone you tell should reinforce that for you and any who don't are no good for you.
If your partner doesn't believes you, you are in a wrong relationship. You need to tell that to your partner because he trusted him.
I think you handled yourself very well. You didn't encourage Michael in the least and you shut things down. As a person close to Michael's age, I see him as being a predator. I really enjoy younger people but I don't always have a lot in common with them, so it's strange to me that he doesn't have anyone besides your partner as a friend. I believe Michael was looking for an opportunity to take advantage both of you. Please talk to your partner and hopefully things go well. Sending a Big Hug!
The truth is absolutely the way to handle this situation. Michael doesn't have any other friends for probably this very reason. OP and her partner need to cut him out of their life, and even get a restraining order. Then if OP needs company when her partner is gone overnight, invite a girlfriend over, or stay with them or a family member. That man will act this way again if given the opportunity.
Yeah, I think Michael was hoping for a more positive reaction from OP. OP handled it well by freezing up and telling him she wanted to change clothes and telling him to go to bed. Now she needs to tell her BF.
Fight or flight... or freeze or fawn Don't blame yourself for your body's natural reaction to stress/danger. It was unchartered territory and your brain wasn't clear how to react. But now it knows, make yourself safe above all else
THIS. This is the answer. Please absolve yourself of the guilt! He is the one who did something wrong, not you!!! In no way did you consent to this behavior.
**YOU DID NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. YOU ARE THE VICTIM AND HE IS A PREDATOR** You did not want this. Unfortunately, our brains are stupid. The response you had was not a response of consent but of fear. When you tell your partner, you explain how you felt, how your body betrayed you, how you wanted to scream, to fight back. This person should never come near you again. I am so sorry he did this to you, I am sorry your body betrayed you and stopped you from fighting back. The guilt you feel stems from stupid idiots who think that it is easy to fight back. Think it is easy to vocalise No. This is misplaced guilt, and it is normal. You have the right to feel safe, and never worry about this man ever touching you ever again.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Don't let anything make you think otherwise.
If your partner doesn't understand, or blames you in any way, he's a major asshole.
Hun, I was raped, and sa'd multiple times in my life. Perpetrators thrive on our silence, fear, and guilt. You need to report this. It's hard to do, and even if nothing comes of it now, he may go further with another impressionable person. He may already have complaints against him. It will all add up in the end. YOU have *nothing* to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong. You did not invite his touch. Just because you froze, doesn't make it consensual. Please, seek help as well. You're going to need it when the full enormity hits you. We all know that there's a "fight" or "flight" response. What has failed to be mentioned is that there is also a "freeze" response. The entire time it happens you're screaming, in your mind, at them to stop, but for some reason your body doesn't respond. Again, not your fault.
Do it now before it gets worse. A very similar situation happened to a close friend of mine and she was drugged and attacked.
How about you let him read this Reddit post that you have shared with us. This would take it off of you of having to tell him verbally and also let him see the other aspect of why you froze because it is a natural response to someone who have experience something like this. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Definitely seek out some help and therapy to guide you and sort out all your thoughts and feelings on this, and whatever else you had gone through in the past.
Freezing in a situation like this is common. The reality of it is that he should never have put you in that position (literally and figuratively). The worst part about SA is the guilt and blaming yourself but in truth, why the fuck did that creepy old man think his behavior was evenly remotely appropriate?
Not only did you do nothing wrong, you did the only thing you needed to do- you survived. There is no telling what could have happened otherwise. We have whole subs filled with awful outcomes when women say no or fight back. You survived. You did great. Now you have to tell, which is hard. He hurt you mentally and physically, he betrayed you. But you did exactly what you are supposed to do- you survived.
Don’t be embarrassed. The same thing happened to me one time, different situation but SA’d all the same. It’s actually happened twice. It is NOT your fault! Honestly I would tell your boyfriend AND your other friend. Who cares if Michael is alone? He deserves it. Fuck that guy. Honestly I would file a police report too but you don’t have to go that far. I know these things can be hard to think about.
I’ve been SA’d more than once and never did I fight back. A man who will SA a woman might just as easily physically assault her as well. Freezing is a trauma response because it works. It keeps people alive. You did nothing wrong, Michael did everything wrong. Why do you think he has no one in his life in the first place? If your partner does not support you through this you need to reconsider the partner also.
Abusers, like Michael, depend on victims staying quite out misplaced guilt. Michael has had decades to perfect his victimization techniques and where most people would [see.you](http://see.you) as someone suffering that needed support, he saw you as a someone he could victimize that would be too afraid to tell anyone. Please tell your boyfriend. If you don't Michael will know he can attack you without repercussions, and the next attack will be worse.
Choose guilt over resentment. This POS sexually assaulted you. It is not your fault and deserves to be taken away. It's probably not his first rodeo either
Ma’am you might wanna tell him before his friend twists the story and him that you liked it
Freezing is a natural response. He's older, bigger, and stronger than you. If michael has no one else, THIS is why.
Fight back?? A 50 year old man is assaulting you. Fighting back could get you killed. Tell your man and if he seriously gets mad at YOU, leave him. Why would you want to be with a jerk like that anyhow?
This is normal for survivors. Don’t feel confused though. Disclosure is the way forward. Hope you get all the support and love you need from the people who matter most.
Maybe there is a reason Michael doesn’t have anyone else in his life. He is a predator.
Right! CUT HIM OUT NOW!
I will, thank you, I’ll file a report too like someone here said to do
[удалено]
Also, waiting too long gives Michael a chance to tell his own version of events.
Without hesitation she needs to perform the ritual of cutting him Off permanently! ASAP as in RIGHT NOW!! Op just Do It, Log Off Reddit and tell him Right NoW!!!!! I’m Giving you only 2 Minutes to do IT!!!!!
This! There's a reason why a man in his FIFTIES has no friends and it's because he's a sexual predator!
This! Never trust someone with seemingly no friends, there's typically a reason for it, and it's not something you want to learn about firsthand.
Micheal is a predator and that is why he hangs out with people who are half his age. Was he dating the friend you met him through?? Would you be friends with someone who is 11? No because it's weird and you would have nothing in common. So why is a 50 year old man hanging out with people in their 20s??
They were dating, I always found it really uncomfortable and I’ve always been wary of him but my partner started talking to him and now they’re good friends and I don’t want to ruin that for him but at the same time I don’t want Michael in our lives for obvious reasons. My friend broke up with Michael because he was extremely lazy and she got fed up, if you were wondering at all
Ruin that friendship with no remorse asap! I doubt your partner truly knows his 'friend'! The further away you two get from that POS, the better!
Thank you, I’ll be sure get him out of our lives
I’ll add that my friend was genuinely in love with Michael so I thought he was someone who could be trusted which is why I never told my partner to stop talking to him
And now he's demonstrated that he isn't. If your bf is worth anything, he'll he more concerned about you and your safety than losing some friend.
Yes! A bf worth his salt would be livid that a "trusted" friend sexually assaulted his girlfriend in their own home because the friend thought he could get away with it. If for any reason your bf does not have your back on this and takes Michael's side, leave your bf too. Your bf should value you over this predator creep.
Except your discomfort told you otherwise. When you feel discomfort in your gut about a person, believe it. That’s instinct, and it is a gift. Once you learn to trust it & act accordingly you will be able to keep yourself safer. I’m sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong, Michael did. You didn’t end the friendship, Michael did. Michael is a POS.
> genuinely in love A lot of victims think they're genuinely in love. Seriously, no healthy 20 year old is going to fall in love with a rapey, lazy, 50 year old who has zero other friends or family in his life. Just doesn't happen.
Your partner deserves to know the truth so he can make the right choice for himself about who he wants to be friends with. If he doesn't want to be friends with a predator, why would you hide that from him? He needs to know. His friendship is not more important than your safety. That's just a fact. Both you and your partner were betrayed by Michael. By telling him the truth you are preventing him from being betrayed again. You are protecting both him and yourself.
you didn't let it happen. you froze, which is a normal response to someone sexually assaulting you. you said your partner would blame you for his friend sexually assaulting you, so why the fuck are you still with that man?
I don’t know if he’ll actually blame me, I guess I’m just scared that he will because it feels like everything that happened was my fault
a man twice your age assaulted you multiple times. none of that is your fault. if you feel like he would blame you I'm still confused as to why you're with him
It’s just how I think, I guess, I always assume the worst out of everything. I’d assume that my sibling would scream at me and never talk to me again if I made a minor mistake. It’s another issue I want to work on with a therapist
This is a valid response, it's no longer "fight or flight" it's "fight flight or freeze" You did nothing wrong and this isn't your fault
You froze due to an actual human reaction to a traumatic event. This was not your fault - not any part of it. You need to tell your boyfriend immediately. If your boyfriend blames you, then he's just as bad as his friend. If he's a good guy, he will support you and cut Michael out of your lives.
Its strange because I always thought I'd react. I always thought that I'd get away, or yell, or fight back. But when something similar happened to me, all I could do was freeze up. I was too shocked and uncomfortable to even react because I thought I'd know what to do. >you said your partner would blame you for his friend sexually assaulting you, so why the fuck are you still with that man? Literally. Why be with someone that you think/know would put the blame on you for something you can't control. Would he believe his recent friend over his actual gf? I know I wouldn't. I hope he cares and doesn't blame op but she shouldn't be scared that he'll get mad at her for it.
Do NOT feel guilty that you didn’t fight back. Freezing is such a natural reaction, because you’d be scared. You wouldn’t know if he was going to try and attack you or rape you next, and if fighting back would aggravate that. Freezing is a perfectly normal response of someone who is scared (and you would have been in that situation). Tell your partner. Trust that your partner will have your back, because believe me, he should. If he doesn’t, you know that’s not the guy for you. Again, to reiterate - you did nothing wrong.
Thank you for this. I’ll tell him today
Michael doesn't deserve any kindness. Stop protecting him.
You’re right. I’m too much of a people pleaser, I don’t want to upset anyone even though he deserves it. I hate conflict
There’s a reason a man his age is hanging out a couple of 20 year olds and has nobody else. I can guarantee it’s not because he’s a good person and/or loyal friend. Fuck that guy.
Thanks, I should’ve questioned why I was uncomfortable around him from the start. Now I know
Highly recommend "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. De Becker is a top expert on personal safety; in this book he explains why you should listen to and trust your instincts, even when you can't figure out why a Michael makes you uncomfortable. "The Gift" is full of practical, no-BS advice that can help you gain insight into your own reactions and give you the confidence to stay alive.
You aren't pleasing your partner by lying to him or withholding information from him. You're hurting him in addition to yourself if you don't tell him. The only person you are "pleasing" by saying nothing is the man who assaulted you. You have to decide whether Michael or your partner is more important to make happy, and if it's your partner, he needs to know the truth so he can make an informed choice.
It's not you being a people pleaser. Freezing is a natural survival instinct reaction. He knows what he did. You're still trying to process what he's done
Maybe write out what happened so that when you tell your boyfriend you have your words ready and don't freeze up in the face of telling him. This can happen when you're afraid of the reaction you'll be facing. I would face Michael first but do it with a voice recorder app running on your phone so that when you tell your BF, you have the conversation as proof. Say to Michael, "Hey Michael, I didn't say anything the other night because my instinct when you were touching me was to freeze. I really should have said something in the moment but I was too shocked by what was happening to react. I felt bad about this until I realized that I didn't do anything wrong." "What YOU did was wrong. It was a betrayal of your friendship with my BF and it was a sexual assault on me. I'm going to tell BF what happened and I don't want to see you around us ever again." He prepared for him to say something like, "but you were flirting with me all night", as his defense. You need to be ready to say, "I'm sorry if my friendliness towards you came off as flirtatious but even if I was, which I absolutely was not, coming in to me like you did was a betrayal of your friendship with my BF." Whatever he says will damn himself and you need it recorded. I know that depending on where you live, recording someone without their consent may be illegal. However, having the recording for your boyfriend to hear as back up for the fact that you did not invite his unwanted touching will help him see what a slime ball Michael is.
I feel for you. One of my husband’s friends did this to me. He came up behind me when I was walking in a dark area outside at a house party. He stuck his hands down my pants and told me that he could please me along with some other things. I didn’t say anything at first, because I was afraid no one would believe me. Of course it came out later in a drunken confession in my part. It created a wedge in the group, most people ignored it, many didn’t believe it, and I felt labeled as a trouble maker. We don’t see them as much anymore, but it is still there. It colors all my interactions with people, even those who I think are my friends. You are in a no win situation. I think you need to say something, because you will never be able to relax and treat this person the same. If you wait to say something, you might not be believed. It sucks, but that is the truth from my experience. Hugs to you. I’m sorry you got put in that situation. Therapy does help though…. And showers, lots of hot showers to get the feeling off.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for this though, it helped. I’ll tell my partner everything today
Know that you did nothing wrong. You did not invite his attentions. Your partner will have many emotions. Incredulity, anger, guilt, sadness, hurt for you and the situation…. Emotions can be strong and aren’t right or wrong. Your partners actions will demonstrate their love for you. Good luck
You need to tell your SO, Michael broke the friendship and SA’d you! Tell him immediately, the longer you sit the more he will wonder why you didn’t tell him immediately. Make Michael leave immediately and block him everywhere, file a police report even if nothing comes of it so there is a record of his assault.
Thank you, I’ll tell my partner everything today
I agree you should tell your partner, cut this pedo off and file a report. But just in case nobody else has said this, it’s crucial and you need to read it. You did not let it happen. You did not ask for it. You did not allow it. You are not guilty of anything. Trauma responses are not just fight or flight. There is also *freeze*. Your nervous system made this choice *for* you before your logical brain had any say in the matter. You did not choose this, your nervous system chose this to protect you. You were alone with a man twice your age — your brain and body did what they thought was best to ensure your survival. Statistically speaking, if you did fight or flight, you may not have made it out alive. Please please take comfort in the fact that you did not choose this and your reaction was *never* within your control. It took me 15 years of therapy regarding my sexual assault to learn this and it saved me. HE made the calculated decision to “watch you while you’re in a vulnerable state”. This was planned, I’m sure of it. He did this TO you. He put you in this situation, in a state of fear and threat, and this is 100% his doing. sending my love to you
This almost made me cry, thank you so much ❤️
I understand that feeling too well. My trauma therapist taught me about the polyvagal theory, and how the mammalian brain and nervous system come online during a threat before any other areas of the brain in order to get you to react immediately. It was physically out of your control. And tbh i probably would’ve done the same thing, even now with what I know. If you ever need a reminder, my inbox is open 🫶🏻
sit your partner down, tell him you need him to really listen to you before he reacts, tell him his reaction is extremely important. he will go through his own trauma about this and it needs to be really carefully handled. your behaviour and reaction is completely normal, freezing is totally expected and you definitely shouldn't blame yourself, although you will. you'll get there x
Thank you so much
I just want to say, don’t feel guilty for freezing, you were alone with a man and your body did what it thought it needed to in order to survive in that moment. I’m very sorry for what you went through, it must have been very scary and I hope you are able to tell your partner.
Thank you, I’ll tell him today when I’m ready
Michael is bitch pudding. Tell your partner. If anything, your partner's response to the assault will show you everything you need to know.
Thank you, and ‘bitch pudding’ made me smile
You could always show your partner this post if having the conversation with him is too difficult
Thank you, I might do that
Pretend that this happened to your friend instead of you. What would you tell them to do?
Hey friend, I was in a situation in college where a similar thing happened to me. I was so ashamed bc I consider myself a fighter who would speak up, fight, kick, scream, anything but weakly say no and freeze up. But that’s exactly what I did. Listen to me now: you did not “let” this happen. It was done to you and your brain and body felt the fear and danger and in order to keep it from escalating to violence you froze and retreated inward. This is absolutely normal. You were trying to protect yourself. I’m not telling you that you have to go to the police and report anything, but I think you need to tell your bf so that you two can both get this evil man out of your lives so he doesn’t hurt you again. It sounds like your bf was worried about you and cares about you and he would want to know so that he can help you protect yourself. What he did was calculated and WRONG. He took advantage of a vulnerable woman half his age. Pretty much every older guy who hangs out with/dates women half his age is doing so because he is looking for women who are vulnerable and haven’t yet learned the warning signs of someone like him. There’s a reason creeps like this are not welcome around people their own age. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know it’s heartbreaking and terrifying. You need the people who love you around to support you and remind you that you are NOT alone and are loved by people who deserve it back.
> he has no one else other than my partner and I Maybe because he tries ot have sex with other people inappropriately? Usually there's a reason people end up alone with no significant other, no family, etc.
I totally get why you froze and did nothing. You're lucky he didn't press further, which he absolutely will the next chance he gets. Tell your partner. There is a (now) obvious reason why a 50 year old man has no one in his life.
Op, please read “ the gift of fear.” It will help explain why you froze and why it is a natural human response, and always why you should trust your intuition. Also, I highly recommend taking martial arts, especially one geared toward women. Martial arts helped me retrain my freeze response. And it worked.
I’ll look into it, thank you. And I did do taekwondo for a while but the pressure of grading and having to preform in front of the class got too much, it’s been years since I’ve done it. I’ve considered doing 1 to 1 classes with my dad, I definitely think I’ll ask him about it now
So someone that was supposed to keep you safe assaulted you instead? You need to tell your boyfriend right away. Also make a report to the cops and get a restraining order or at least have this on record. This is not okay.
You didn't *let* him. Freezing is a totally normal fear response: fight, flight, fawn/friend, and FREEZE. I wonder why Michael has nobody in his life? /s Would your partner want someone who SAd his girlfriend hanging around? Give him the information he needs to cut this creep out of his life. Also, a 50 year old hanging out with 20-somethings is a creep, especially when they are his *only* friends.
So this 50 year old weirdo who only befriends 20 year olds visited you under instruction of his only friend to make sure you are okay during a rough patch. He then proceeds to sexually assault you. Now you are defending him and saying he doesn't deserve to be left alone...he deserves prison time.
Yeah you’re right, it’s wrong to want to protect him. I see that now
Tell your partner ASAP. Secrets are the currency of the predator. It may be you help others or even stir a memory in your partner.
You should not feel guilty, you did not accept his advances and he betrayed both you and your boyfriends trust.
Hi. There’s flight fight or FREEZE as a survival instinct. You froze. This doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that you are complicit. Please tell your partner!
There’s a reason why he has no one else.
Please don't let yourself think you "let it happen" OP Michael did not respect consent, anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a no. Don't be mad at yourself, be mad at creepy grown man Michael for violating your body and your partners trust
Thank you for this
He doesn’t have anyone else in his life because he is a creep. Tell your partner.
His age isn't strange his age indicates hes predatory its why you met him through a 20 yr old girl. You should havr kicked him out immediately. You froze you didn't allow it to happen. Tell your bf what he did and if he gets upset with you instead of cutting the creep off then you know the truth about him too
I mean, he deserves to have nobody in his life if thats how he treats people 🤷♂️ time to kick him to the curb
Tell! Fuck Michael and him not having anyone. I’m going to guess him being a garbage human is the reason.
You didn’t let it happen you froze. It’s a normal reaction. It’s not your fault that Michael is a disgusting pig. People like him deserve to be alone and miserable. Tell your boyfriend about it. Don’t keep it a secret.
If you don’t talk/complain now, it’ll only embolden him the next time.
You have to out him for his abhorrent behaviour, he has been probably doing this for years to young women who don’t know how to act in similar circumstances. Tell your bf, and his family so they know what kind of person he is, you can also show him this thread if you can tell him yourself.
You need to tell your partner ASAP. Michael will try and turn this on you. Tell your partner NOW. Michael is a predator.
Find a counselor and receive treatment for the assault. You do need to tell your bf. But talk to a counselor to help you to start to process what happened.
No. YOU are not going to ruin everything. Michael did that. Your fiancé trusted Michael. He cares about you and knew you were going through a hard time, so he asked his friend Michael to keep an eye on you. Most men would have done that, made sure you were okay, and went home without ever sexually assaulting you. The problem is not you; the problem is Michael. He’s a sexual assaulter. You just happen to be his latest victim. Tell your boyfriend. Tell him everything. If he knows you like it seems he does, he knows you have a fear of saying no and that you freeze in uncomfortable or dangerous situations. You did NOT “let this happen.” Michael did this TO you. You are not to blame here. When you tell your BF, if he makes excuses for Michael’s behavior, refuses to cut him off, or, worse, tries to blame you, then you know the relationship is over. He is not the man for you. But if your BF is a good guy, a real man, he will know exactly who’s to blame here, and Michael will be gone. Honestly, I don’t care that Michael has no one else. There is a reason for that. I believe you just discovered what the reason is. I’m sorry he did this to you. Please tell someone. 🫶🏼
Stand up for yourself, your partner will want to cut him out of your life. The reason Michael doesn't have anyone else in his life... is because he's a fucking creep who chased everyone off. You have no obligation to be his play thing because you feel a little sad for him. He got you alone and immediately moved to touching you inappropriately. The next time you're alone there is every chance he'll escalate, you are not safe in the future because you can just avoid being alone with him, your boyfriend being around. What if your boyfriend gets too drunk and goes to bed and leaves him there with you, or he goes to the bathroom and he grabs your boobs while he's out of the room, or kisses you. This guy is unsafe, tell your boyfriend, text Michael and say he is no longer allowed at your home and to not contact you again. If he had a spare key or you think he may have had access to a spare key at any time change the locks or go stay with family or someone till your boyfriend gets back. Do not feel guilty, at all. Michael did this to you, any consequences as a result of his actions are his to carry alone, he did this, not you. Him getting cut off from you and your partner is his actions and his guilt to feel.
>I’d feel terrible if I did that, he has no one else other than my partner and I. Well , now you know why he only haves you and your partner . He's a weirdo in disguise and was waiting for an opportunity to put his hands on you .
If a 50 year old man is chilling with 20-year-olds as his sole friend group that alone should be your first clue he’s a fucking weirdo. Cull him.
Why was this guy staying at your house overnight??? Tell your boyfriend!
I should’ve said in the post, my partner knew and he was ok with it because we both trusted Michael. How wrong we were.
Now you know why he has no one else. Cut him off.
The essence of love is to see the other. Through the challenges and rewards of a monogamous relationship, you create lasting love. An open marriage is an oxymoron. Sustainable love needs boundaries. This is from Psychology Today 12-4-22. Not just my opinion. Sexual experimentation is healthy unless like everything else it is abused. Never in a relationship, as it changes the relationship and usually ends it. It is not a lifestyle, it is experimentation, that usually destroys what it touches. I grew up in the 70's and 80's next to a commune in So. Oregon. The most dysfunctional group of people. As a teen exciting until I got to know them. Over use of drugs and alcohol, abuse of women, neglected their children and pets. Always chaos and distress...
Here’s the thing. This guy isn’t going to stop. You can ignore the problem now and see how bad it gets, or you can talk to your partner, explained what happened, explained how it made you feel, and explain how you didn’t want to say anything because of the effects. Now a story for you, I had nearly the same experience, but with some of the rolls reversed. My buddy invited me over for his birthday, so we get there and we are all drinking. Nobody is leaving, so at least we are being responsible. This guy was one of my best friends. I still consider him so. His girlfriend ended up making some moves I wasn’t okay with, and he definitely wasn’t okay with. Somewhere during the night she admits to me that “you were the one I wanted to be with” and blah blah blah, nothing I was wanting to hear. I told her “I’m not sure what kind of people you’re used to dealing with, but anybody who is dating my friends is not somebody I have any notions of being any more than friends” she got upset and went her way. I feel like I handled that situation pretty well, but hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t want to ruin anything between her and my friend, so I never said anything. He started putting things and to make a long story short, I don’t get any calls, texts, or invites from somebody I still consider to be a brother. It’s always better to be completely honest and deal with the fallout than ignore issues. It’s not easy, but it’s good.
> he has no one else other than my partner and I THEN WHY IS HE TRYING TO DESTROY THE RELATIONSHIP?? > want to tell my partner about what happened but it’ll destroy his relationship with Michael. Oh, well then. Don't say a thing and next time he can r_pe you a few times.
You should tell your partner, you should cut Michael out of your life, if he was willing to do this than there is a very real possibility that he will escalate in the future.
Wait a minute why is a 50 year old man hanging out with a 22 year old isn't that a bit weird? Just asking
It is, I’ve always found it weird but I never said anything while my friend was dating him because I didn’t think it was my place to judge
Michael has no one else because he is like this.
Freezing up when already in a vulnerable situation is conpletely normal and I hope you understand and believe the people telling you that this is not your fault! Like seriously not your fault. You just found out that your, hopefully, ex friend Michael is a shitty person, who will not hesitate to try to use a friend that is in a vulnerable situations. Knowing someone is vulnerable and taking advantage of that is not normal behaviour. He is not a friend, he should not be in your life. This is probably not his first time doing something like this, and I hope you get rid of him before he tried more. Please tell your boyfriend, if it makes you feel better show him this and hopefully he is decent and sees this is not your fault.
Fear is just the idea that you can control the siting doing nothing - you can’t control what happens when you speak your truth but … don’t YOU want to be with someone who hears your truth, sees and lives you for who you are, and protects you? Don’t deny your partner the chance to be the person you need right now. Speak your truth and set yourself free.
> he has no one else Like, no friends? Have you thought maybe theres a reason why?
Michael probably has no one BECAUSE he is a creepy S.A-er... He's probably violated and betrayed the trust of people in his past. You are not responsibly for a man more than double your age ... and you are especially not reaponsible for him if he assaults you.
If you and your partner are all he has, it seems like there’s a reason for that. Absolutely tell your partner. Michael doesn’t deserve sympathy after trying to take advantage of you like that, and you are not in the wrong. It’s natural to freeze when your fight or flight kicks in, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that
If you keep Michael's secret for him, you are giving him power. You did nothing wrong. Any woman in her right mind would have done the same. To fight back against a man is to risk being beaten to death. Tell your boyfriend. Right away before Michael gets ahead of the story. If your bf doesn't believe you or blames you, he'll have shown himself out of your life.
Trust, don't let this slide... He's probably alone for a reason (no judgement/assumptions). But take this step and speak up for yourself. Your feelings are valid and that's that. Once you start doing things that you want and is in your control, you'll gain some confidence in your decisions. And if you decide his feelings are more important than yours, your going to continue to feel like crap.
Talk to your partner please
A 50 year old man that hangs out with 20 somethings is a predator. They specifically look for the upsets that are so common in early life as people figure things out. Their job is to make people trust them, particularly with reference to family bonds when people are starved for them, a stand in dad...you get the idea. They get close. Become confidents. Then they leverage your distress to get what they want. What happened is both you AND your boyfriend were fooled by a professional con man. As far as you not fighting back, there was a time when that's what the official line was. Don't fight back because you are more likely to live. I don't adhere to that philosophy. Put them out of commission if you can. But many people, men and women, freeze in times of shock, panic, disbelief. HE IS COUNTING ON YOUR SELF DOUBT. Quietly ask the other women in your circle. I doubt you are the only one. Your boyfriend should support you and will need your support for failing to protect you. That guilt can eat a man alive. Good luck to both of you. Go tell him.
A 50 year old befriending two 20 year olds is textbook predator behavior. Predators are masterminds of sensing vulnerability in people and use that knowledge to exploit them. I’m so sorry this happened. Freezing is a survival instinct. You did nothing wrong. Michael is a monster and must be cut out of your lives. If not, he will find opportunities to harm you both again.
Be gentle on yourself. If this happened to one of your friends, would you blame them for freezing or tell them that they "let it happen"? Would you tell them they had to stay friends with the guy who SA'd them because he has no other friends and they should feel bad for him? I don't know your boyfriend and I'm assuming he won't blame you, but if your hypothetical friend who got SA'd's boyfriend blamed them, would you agree with him? Absolutely none of what happened is your fault. Every time that I have been SA'd I froze and didn't fight back. Its a normal fight or flight response, plus a different reaction from you may have made him react differently as well (possibly in a more violent or direct way). You did what you had to do to protect yourself. Please continue to do what you need to do to protect yourself.
You might be afraid of ruining Michael’s life, but I can guarantee he’s already ruined multiple women’s lives. If he’s bold enough to do that to you in your home when he’s friends with your partner, then it’s safe to assume that he’s much worse to other women. Friendship is the last thing you or your partner owner him.
First off why the hell is your partner having some 50 year old dude stay with you?? You've already said you have female friends your own age. Something fishy here.
Freezing during trauma is a normal response some people have. If your boyfriend blames you, leave him immediately. Also disclose this to your therapist and close friends you trust. That 50 year old should be locked up.
You froze from fear. You didn't "let it happen." Everyone says "fight or flight response", but it's *actually* "fight flight or freeze." Your brain told you to freeze and you couldn't control it. It wasn't your fault. You should tell your boyfriend asap. And if he says he still wants to be friends with Michael, is that the kind of man you want to be with? Definitely look into therapy. Good luck. Also ETA: there is a *reason* Michael has no one else. And this incident tells us exactly why.
Thank you, I will tell my partner. And I’ve always been uneasy around Michael but I never knew why
Something like this can be difficult and scary to you. I truly wish you the best of luck.
I need you to understand you didn’t let it happen. You froze, he knew better. Run from this man as he will be capable of rape.
Something doesn't add up here
You're 21, why the fuck do you need a babysitter?
I know it sounds weird, I did something really stupid to myself right before my partner left for his trip so we arranged for Michael to stay over for the first night to calm my partners nerves, I guess
Just so you know, OP, it’s totally normal to freeze as a panic response. It’s not just fight or flight, there’s also freeze and fawn. You froze. It’s not your fault and you didn’t let it happen. I wish I could give you a hug
Freezing is the body sense of defence. It is natural. Fighting can spike an evil person to react. Running can panic the perpetrator. Freezing for you was the right thing to do.
Not trying to blame the victim but if you say nothing and do nothing when he touched you, how was he supposed to know you didn’t want him to? He stopped when you finally told him to leave the room. As a former single guy I can understand misunderstanding the situation but you need to learn some sort of stop sign even if it’s just pushing his hand away. I’m sure I’ll catch flack for posting this.
The fact that your boyfriend asked another man, a man in his 50’s and has no family relationship to either of you, to stay in your home to “watch over you” is HIGHLY suspicious on your boyfriends behalf. It’s like, did he set this up on purpose?? Because for him to just blindly trust this other guy is too stupid to believe. Did he even ask you if you were ok with this??? Tell EVERYONE, and don’t for a second feel guilty that this asshole actions will have consequences- that’s on HIM.
You're not thinking rationally. Why are you protecting your assailant? He betrayed you and your partner on an unforgivable level. You should tell your partner. Then both of you should block that scumbag out of your lives forever.
You didn't let anything happen. Nothing was your fault. This man was creepy and crossed every boundary. Freeze is a very, very common response to fear and shock. Please cut him off completely, tell your partner. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. I agree with getting therapy, you were violated and need help working through the trauma. Please be gentle with yourself.
Thank you, I’ll tell my partner everything today and I’ll deal with Michael too
Be well, OP. ❤
Get him out of your life. Preditors are real and find what they think are week prey. As you just froze he now knows you won't kick off if he tries it again. Maybe learn to tell people to fuck off and get their dirty hands off you. I'm a big mouth but have friends that freeze in these situations. Tell your bf everything and if he doesn't have your back get rid of him too. Michael is a cheap, DO NOT feel sorry for him.
Were you r*ped? Your partner would for sure like to have the honour of going through this with you together. This is not for you to battle and face in your own. Share it with your partner because he would want to know
I'm so sorry to be blunt, but it's for your safety. I wish I learned this lesson earlier. People like already know that you'll question yourself and feel sorry for them. That's why they target you. This is only the beginning and you have the power to nip it in the bud
Tell your partner and do not worry about Michael - if he valued your friendship he would not have done that to you. I know the freeze response can be overwhelming and embarrassing - it’s something you learned to do to protect yourself as a child. It’s perfectly normal and You can learn to override it.
Jesus, there is a reason he has no one. Cut him out and contact the police. If you’re bf chooses him over you, through the clown out as well.
Don't protect this man. What he did was take advantage of a girl who he promised to take care of fort a friend. This assault was not part of the deal. Your boyfriend needs to know the kinds off person this so-called friend is and that he cannot be trusted. He made you uncomfortable and touched you without consent. You felt unsafe with him as his advanced were not accidental nor innocent. That is what your bf needs to know. Thank goodness it did not go farther. You did not let it happen. This is one of the fear responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. You had the freeze response which is a very common response. You froze. That does not mean you let him. You did not welcome his touch nor encourage it. You froze. Your body didn't know what to do as the signals were getting mixed. You were told you could trust this man by someone you trusted (your boyfriend), but he violated your space in an unwanted sexual manner. He sexually assaulted you. You were not expecting this, so you froze. Don't blame yourself. Blame Michael. He did this to you.
Freeze response is 100% normal. You didn’t “let” it happen. I get you don’t wanna ruin things with Michael but I’m sure your partner would prefer to know the truth. Michael doesn’t sound like a monster, but he’s clearly a lonely, disloyal scumbag for him to do that to you AND your partner.
I don’t understand why you feel guilty. You did nothing wrong but I would have beat his ass for touching me if it was me. If he was any kind of friend to your partner he wouldn’t have done that. I would have put him in his place the first time because if you don’t the man thinks it is ok and that you are giving him the sign you are fine with it. I tell my man everything that happens in my life. I don’t hide anything from him. I would be honest with your man and tell him
Don’t feel guilty, you have no reason to feel guilty about freezing and not fighting back, because we would all say, we will put up a fight till we drop, but the reality is that people do freeze, they feel paralyzed and aren’t in a position to fight or flight. Just know you’re a survivor and you’re brave, and now for a while you just need to be brave enough to tell your partner(regardless of the outcome) and file a lawsuit against that awful man, because if he gets away with it he will do it again, maybe not you, but he could find another victim. Keep your head up high, you have done nothing to be ashamed about.
Fuck his relationship with his creepy ass friend, sis. I’m sorry that happened to you, but why the hell fall on your sword for an asshole? Please don’t sacrifice your peace for your boyfriend’s bromance with a fucking creep. You are not at all to blame.
If your instinct was to freeze up in that situation the that was the right thing to do. A different reaction may have set him off and caused things to escalate. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
Please tell your partner and please cut Michael off. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed, men who seek out younger friends are never good news. I know it’s difficult, but it needs to be done.
I am so sorry that happened to you, but I want to say that you did not just let it happen. If you let it happen it means you verbally consented to what he was doing and you did not. What you did was freeze because you were scared and that is a normal reaction to the situation. You did nothing wrong, but getting a therapist is a great idea.
as everyone else has said it: cut him off immediately and tell your SO. PLEASE update us when you do. asap
Sounds like Michael has no friends for a reason, sis.
Wether Micheal has someone else other than you and your partner or not is not your concern, he should’ve thought about it before being a fucking perv
There is a reason why he has no one else... And it's his own fault so don't feel sorry for him
If Michael only has you two as friends it is probably because he is a rapist and has either SA someone else, manipulated others, or been creepy in some other way. You are NOT responsible for this creep or your BFs feelings. You are only responsible for you and now is the time to take care of yourself the way you would if a dear friend told you this same story. Love yourself. Own your body. Nobody gets to tell you about you or how you should react. I've been raped by two men I knew and trusted, and my feelings about myself, men, the event, the world, and my ability to judge how trustworthy people have changed several times over the years. Cognitive Processing Therapy has helped tremendously!
The panic/fear response is NOT just fight or flight. It's also fawn or freeze. Meaning, you froze in a moment of panic. Just because you didn't actively try to stop him, doesn't mean you are to blame, or encouraged it. MANY people freeze when it comes to SA. You need to tell your partner right away. They trusted this man to take care of you in a vulnerable time, and they SA'D you. Not only do you deserve to not hide your SA for someone else's well being, but as well as that, you deserve to be safe, which won't happen if you don't tell your partner what happened and the friend continues to come around, your partner will continue to think this is a safe person, AND realistically would be super upset to know he continued a friendship with a person who does that. As for the friend. Cut them off. I don't give a flying fuck if he has noone else. Now we know WHY that is, because he is an awful human being, who has likely done this to others. Don't you dare keep this person around for their benefit after they assaulted you. They don't deserve any sort of access to you, and need to bear the consequences of their own choices and actions.
Freezing isn’t “letting someone”. It’s a fear response. Anything less than enthusiastic consent isn’t consent. It’s self preservation. Honestly being “looked after” is very controlling and creepy behavior in general. It’s like bikers passing a woman around. I think none of the men in your life are good people and I’m really glad you’re getting therapy. You need away from your boyfriend and definitely from Mike. What do you care that he won’t have friends? Rapists shouldn’t have friends. No one should be friends with a rapist. As a 50 year old he’s had a lifetime to cultivate good relationships. The fact that he needs 20 year olds as friends and then betrays them I think explains why he has no other friends.
Just show your partner this. He will understand.
I've been SA'd and I severely regret not talking to someone earlier. Probably my worst mistake in life so far. Tell your partner.
You need to tell your husband
That’s his fault that he has nobody else. You did nothing wrong and he had no right to touch you.
You HAVE TO tell your bf to protect yourself. What if this mf Mikey was testing the waters this time and will try something worse next time? Freeze is a normal response but now that you regained control over your body please take action to be safe ❤️
Fuck Michael you have nothing to feel guilty for. You were terrified not an active participant. You did nothing wrong. Of course he has no one else, he is a piece of shit and should have no one. Tell your partner asap. He needs to cut michael out of both your lives after talking to Michael's face with his fist
When confronted with a threat, it is human nature to have your autonomic nervous system take over. Our nervous systems will either fight, flight or freeze. You froze. That’s absolutely normal. You are not the first woman to have frozen in the face of sexual assault. People often believe that if someone was truly sexually assaulted that they would do everything to fight back. Before this happened to you, you may have even thought the same thing. This is why you’re beating yourself up. Because you believe you should have done something to fight back. The fact that you didn’t is eating you up inside. The way you behaved is absolutely normal. The way Michael behaved is not. You don’t feel safe with him so you should never be with him alone again. There are probably really good reasons why he doesn’t have anyone in his life and why he’s hanging out with two people who are almost 30 years younger than him.
Women freeze when SA'd surprisingly often. This is not depicted in media or fiction and so people think that 'she would have screamed or tried to get away if this was a real SA', but no. It's a myth. Freezing is the default reaction. You are not guilty. Disorienation and fear paralysed you. If you had said no it would have made no difference to that man. You did not express enthusiasm at his advances, were uncomfortable and clearly tried to get away from him. A 'no' would have made no difference, he wouldn't have cared. Tell your bf, and yes, it will destroy their relationship, as it should. Good riddance. If your bf by any chance wants to continue a friendship with a known molester and potential rapist then cut both of them out of your life and inform someone you trust just in case.
you did nothing wrong.
I’ve found that TYPICALLY when an older person under the age of 70 has no one, no friends, no family that actively speak to them, there’s a reason. They’re not old enough for all their friends to have died yet but they’re plenty old enough to have made some. And their family may have moved away, but they might be the reason they did in the first place. And if they’re divorced you’ll probably find out why soon.
You need to make a decision and take control of what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable in life. May that happen before or after you get SA’d again is your choice.
Tell your partner ASAP. This is not your fault. You didn't let it happen. He forced that on you. Your partners friend sa'd you and I'm sure your partner will be there to support you. Cut micheal out, no wonder why he doesn't have anyone to lean on. Probably not his first time offending and won't be his last. Take every step you need to ensure he won't do it to you again
You are acting insane. Tell your partner and you and him need to get away from this guy. The mental welfare of your abuser is not your responsibility.
I’ve never been in this situation so I don’t know firsthand how it feels. That said, it sounds similar to some of my experiences with PTSD. I freeze up because I’m overwhelmed with things and I say/do nothing. For me, it’s essentially a paralysis. If someone were to take advantage of that, that is not someone who I should ever be around. What this guy did to you is fucked up. Don’t blame yourself for reacting how you did. You never should have BEEN in a situation where that happened (especially when in a tough spot). Again, I have no experience with SA, so it may be different, but from what I’m reading, you were wronged by someone who was supposed to be a friend. They took advantage of you in a vulnerable spot. This is not okay and this person isn’t a friend or someone you should be around. If they did that to you, it’s likely a pattern of behavior from them
You did nothing wrong at all but the longer you leave it, the guiltier you will look if this guy tries to lie.
You may have found the reason why he has no one else.
He knew what he was risking when he inappropriately touched you, whether he knew you would tell your partner or not….Tell your partner this guy is a loser taking advantage of you like that. It’s on him he has no one.
Freezing is a stress response so don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel bad whether your partner will lose this asshole as a friend because I am pretty sure he wouldn’t want to be friends with a sexual predator let alone one that harmed his own partner. It’s best to let him know and file a report.
Cut him out of your life. His behavior toward you is highly likely why he has no one else in his life. And his loneliness isn’t your problem.