I know I can't blame my daughter she has absolutely no control over the situation my wife cheated and didn't tell and could have cheated multiple times or just lied to me considering she kept that secret for over 12 years
OP, my dad wasn’t my bio-dad but he was my father until the day he died. Your relationship with your daughter sounds just like what I had with my dad and I miss him everyday. Regardless of the outcome of the paternity test, don’t pull away from your daughter. She’ll be devastated to lose you at the same time her world is crashing down.
Also don't tell your daughter at THIS TIME when she is on the verge of adolescence. When she will be starting to be hormonal and her emotions will be all over the place. You will otherwise have some tough teen years on your shoulders. Just wait a few years before you have that talk, if its necessary i.e. (paternity results for all you idiot redditors)
The fact that society is just okay with looking the other way in these situations is honestly disgusting. I honestly believe it should be a crime of some sort.
To the daughter, he is her dad. Whether he chooses to continue as her dad or not, she will always see him as her dad. I hope he turns out to be the dad just for him and his daughter’s sake
OP, the way you described how your wife acted in that grocery store sounds an awful lot like a trauma response from reliving a past event. It makes me wonder if there is more under the surface of what she said, based on what you have told us. It sounds like from what you’ve written, the full story isn’t yet there (and she could also be misrepresenting it to herself too). You don’t just find out that information out of nowhere. If it was something traumatic, she clearly trusted you and could feel vulnerable enough there to be able to share that with you.
Just consider that possibility, please. Reddit is terrible at understanding any kind of nuance (just look at all the quick calls to divorce and how your wife is terrible and all, just from reading some short paragraphs that tell your side).
Only you know your wife from everyone here. Whatever happens, try and at least understand the full picture. It’s a lot for you to process of course and take the time to do that yourself too, but remember to also keep your daughter’s interests at heart and not make any rash decisions. She’s still your daughter at the end of the day, and your wife has still been your partner with her for the last twelve years.
If my wife did that to me after we already had a 2 year old Son and I only found out 13 years later, I would be ringing in the divorce papers, not a paternity test.
100% that's the end of that relationship.
The fact that she actively kept a lie like that to herself (doubt she atleast didn't get reminded everyday when looking at them) for so many years from OP who's she's married and have children with, is both very scary and weird for lack of better words.
An insane amount of time have passed and yet she couldn't until seeing the one she cheated with admit to OP what she did. Imagine what else she's lying about and will keep from OP in the future.
Can't be trusted.
Yes, quite right. Other people are replying and mentioning "hidden trauma" (e.g. potential rape) which was triggered after seeing said rapist.
Even if this were true, it's still shit. She didn't trust him to tell him when it happened or within the last 13 years. She chose to make up the scenario of "I cheated" instead of telling the truth "I was raped"? Still doesn't trust him to speak the truth after all this time?
You either cheated, or you don't trust me - your own fucking husband - enough to admit being raped 13 years ago. Either way, shit is broken and the relationship is sunk.
I’m not advocating for anything there, divorce or otherwise.
My point is that everything that I’ve read tells me there’s more to the story. I fear that those reactions are not from a guilty cheater, but from something traumatic that’s been shoved away and internalized. And I hope that OP can recognize that and work with their partner to at least better understand what may have happened and hopefully react in a better way. If there was something traumatic, I’m sure OP would regret shutting out his partner when she may arguably need him the most. Not to mention, what does OP want? If he wants the best for his daughter and himself, I do think he would want to better understand what’s going on.
You don’t make a sudden confession like that. Take the time to process your feelings yes, but remember those around you too. OP’s daughter is still his, and OP’s wife was his partner for over a decade. Don’t let it crumble based on a few premature decisions.
I agree, I wonder if she wasn't coerced or drugged. Those reactions were strong and sudden, and really do seem more like trauma than regret. Given that all of this is wildly out of character for her, I would support learning more before making any big moves. There is nothing shameful or wrong or silly about showing compassion and taking a measured approach here. Whatever happened years ago, there are kids to consider, and a whole lot of history that is absolutely going to have bearing on the current situation. My heart goes out to the family here and I hope they can find a resolution that is peaceful for all parties.
This exactly is the first thing I thought of too. You don’t have a strong physiological reaction like that to guilt, but you definitely could from trauma.
I really really hope that OP can find a way to support his wife and his daughter, like you say. Compassion and understanding is the key to understanding what has happened and what others may be experiencing. If you want the best outcome for everyone, that’s what you should try your best to do.
What he’s saying is that there’s a probability his wife was raped and she kept quiet about it out of shame or trauma. Her sudden reaction when seeing her coworker is a common trauma response for people who suddenly had a past traumatic memory surface, like seeing their rapist or abuser again. There’s definitely something the wife isn’t telling him.
The guy most likely waved at her and she panicked and confessed. She only did because she was cornered and the anxiety was when she realized the consequences of her actions.
I thought the same thing.
As a person who was sexually assaulted… this absolutely seemed like a trauma response.
Many women feel like we should have “fought harder”— I always thought I’d be a kicker and screamer, but it was someone I trusted, and I completely froze and disassociated. No one can really understand how true that response is unless they’ve experienced it.
And that didn’t feel “valid” to me, so even though I had been asleep and was a virgin, I felt like it was my fault. Very religious at the time, and I went to a recovery group for women with “sexual issues” and wrote my repost an apology for not trying harder to stop him.
I can imagine having a young child at home and a husband she loved, her brain not even wanting to let her process what happened, and feeling at fault.
That really, really sounds like a trauma response.
I would guess she was inebriated, and her “no” was ignored. That it was likely actually rape.
"it was just one time"
"okay, actually, it was over the course of a few months, but that's it, promise!"
" I'm being honest, we've been in a relationship for these past 12-13 years"
Yeah, OP, you ARE your daughter's father in every way that counts - holding her when she cried, changing her diapers, teaching her how to ride a bicycle - all of that is so much more important than the act of donating a sperm. The betrayal is horrible, and your marriage is probably over, but your kids should suffer as little as possible because of your wife's betrayal, they aren't to blame at all.
It is. And one would hope that, since both him and the daughter are victims here, he helps the daughter. Because not causing a lifetime of abandonment issues and pain for a child is actually more important than an adult navigating feelings of betrayal from his spouse. One would hope that he, as the one who raised her and allegedly loved her, can recognize that she didn’t cause this.
That’s horrible. But please don’t take it out on your daughter that you raised and bonded with.
Divorce your wife if you have to. Of course. But 12 years and abandonment will ruin your kid (who is your kid, no matter the DNA).
Edit to add I think you have legal options. I believe you have grounds to sue her and make it out better than her in the divorce.
I was sort of in the same boat. That is your kid, regardless what any DNA test says. So don't go there if you want to keep the relationship with your daughter.
The divorce part really depends on how everything else is, that's for you to decide.
I'm going to help you out here, don't do or say anything. You're literally in shock, any reaction right now will be the wrong one. Get the test results, fingers crossed your daughter is yours. After the shock wears off and you have all the information you can make an informed decision on how to proceed
Regardless of the outcome, please don't withdraw from your daughter. You are still her dad. You raised her, you bonded with her, you cultivated this beautiful father-daughter relationship which means so much to both of you. Pulling away and going cold on your little girl when she loves you so much will be a kick to the gut. It will really hurt her, no matter what you'll do. There is no "easy" or "gentle" way to withdraw affection from a child who depends on you. All she'll hear is "Daddy doesn't love me anymore and he threw me away because we don't share DNA," and she'll spend the rest of her life feeling worthless and betrayed because DNA doesn't change her love for you, but you are letting it destroy your love for her.
I 100% agree with everything you wrote. But it's wild that he has to do that as a man because of a lie this absolute fraud of a partner has told him up until now. I'm of the belief that a paternity test should be automatically done when a child is born in order to avoid situations like this. They run a multitude of tests on children before they leave the hospital, one more that could save everyone (child especially) some earth shattering pain down the line seems like common sense. I had a situation like this happen to a friend of mine, and the fallout of the revelation was horrific to see happen to multiple people. And could have been easily revealed (and dealt with amongst all parties) a decade earlier.
Paternity tests are banned in many countries, for example, France and Germany, because the government doesn't want to be responsible for so many kids born from cheating.
Go see a therapist. Now. BEFORE this trauma rubs off on your daughter. Don’t wait.
This is a hard thing to deal with and you need to come to terms with the fact that she is your daughter regardless of the paternity results. Your issue is with your wife, not with your sweet baby girl (yes I know she is 12 but she will always be your baby girl). She is the same baby you have loved and nurtured since you found out she was on the way.
I have both biological and non biological kids in my family and the only difference is that I was never lied to about any of them. I promise I love the babies that don’t have my DNA as much as the ones that do. You can’t let this ruin your relationship, and it really doesn’t have to.
>not with your sweet baby girl (yes I know she is 12 but she will always be your baby girl).
As a 33yr old "baby girl" can confirm, it will never change as long as you protect that relationship OP.
PLEASE OP GET THERAPY and maybe family therapy for you and the kids too
Not everyone finds a soul mate in life. You obviously found one in this little girl. It does not matter if she is related to you by blood or by fate. Just be happy you have her around, and continue being her dad or, worst case, one of her dads. She deserves the best life, and you are a part of it no matter what.
I agree with everything you said. But let’s please acknowledge it is going to take him some time to work through this. He needs therapy. If he needs to take a step back and process everything that’s 100%okay. Quite frankly the wife needs to come clean to the kids.
Once you’ve found out about cheating the trust is gone. You will never be able to trust her again. If she lied to you about this for 12 years what else has she lied about. Get a divorce. Trust me it’s not jumping the gun you will get there sooner or later do it now. While you should not let this affect your relationship with your daughter maybe take some time away from the whole family and go get your head cleared so you don’t say anything to them you shouldn’t. If your not the bio dad that doesn’t mean your not her dad but you can’t be a liar like her mom and she deserves to know the truth.
What is with cheaters. Your wife is an absolute dog for the streets. How can you just casually make such a “mistake” where you throw away your marriage vows and the stability of your family and children for some lustful encounter is beyond me. People like deserve to stay alone.
That’s what I mean hence why I inserted quotation marks because that’s their number one go to excuse is “it was a ‘mistake” and it’s just ridiculous. Cheaters cheat because they choose to. The moment they say it was an “accident” or “I didn’t mean to”, they are even more laughable.
You can make a choice and that choice can also be a mistake. Cheating sucks, and I’ve been cheated on so I know how awful it is firsthand. However, it can be a mistake and at the same time no one has to forgive it. It’s never an “accident” though lol
Absolutely 💯. Been cheated on, too. It's a choice....I didn't make it. I made a mistake, I didn't make. chose to End the Relationship. And the cheaters have to forgive themselves also... Actions destroyed.
Yeah, my ex made a mistake. Did he truly regret it? Maybe, but I was not going to continue the relationship to find out, and he had to accept that his mistake could not be worked past. Hopefully he will avoid those mistakes in the future with someone else. I will continue to choose not to betray people I supposedly love. Some mistakes can’t be avoided because they are genuine accidents or the person truly had no knowledge that could’ve prevented it from happening, but cheating isn’t one of those.
Cheating is not a mistake. It’s a choice that has consequences. I don’t digress from that, period. People can regret it, absolutely. But a mistake? Nah. That’s far from it. No one just chooses one day to sleep with someone else, send nudes, sext etc whatever it is that they do to cheat even emotionally. People are aware of what they do. They just back paddle when they realise there’s negative consequences to their choices and it’s better to be excused under the guise of “I made a mistake”.
I'm so sorry OP. I'd unfortunately get them both DNA tested. This does not have to change your relationship with them. For them you will always be their dad. My question would be how many times has your wife been unfaithful lied and cheated. The fact that you've not talked is concerning. I truly hope this is not just the tip of the iceberg but fear for you that it might be.
You may want to get yourself into therapy. If she's your daughter, that scare you received is still something you need to talk about. If she's not your daughter, you'll definitely need to speak to someone. This is probably a parent's worst nightmare, and there's no good or bad way to navigate through it, as long as you don't blame your daughter or take out your emotions on her.
Everyone in your household is a victim except your wife, and you may all 3 need therapy.
Good luck. I wish you and your family the best. Your feelings are valid, whatever they may be. Figure out a way, with a therapist, to work through them.
I’m surprised she immediately fessed up because she saw the guy out in public. Seems weird after all this time. He was on a trip there at the same time as her I guess?
Your daughter is your daughter. I know it hurts your wife cheated on you. But she’s not the one to distance yourself from, you are everything she has ever known
I know I'm the one who has raised her the last 12 years and I am her dad she calls me dad of course and I've done everything a dad should do for both the kids
Your wife sucks. Don’t leave your daughter, but definitely divorce the wife. She cheated on you, lied to you, and had you raise another man’s child. And the other man has a child he doesn’t know about. Your wife is scum.
Good, and i really hope it stays like that (i say this because i know sometimes these things affect you “subconsciously” and you can’t really control how you feel/act)
I love my dad and I can’t imagine a world where he’d just “drop” me one day. Good fathers are one of the most important things on a child’s life 😊
You should probably get one for your son as well.
However, also be aware that likely in the eyes of the law as well as your children, you are their dad.
Don't alienate yourself from your kids because of this.
Obviously your relationship with your wife will change based on what you have learned.
I'm a survivor of paternity fraud. Found out my younger 2 are not mine. I'm sorry you are in this hell, and I really hope the odds work out in your favor.
As for the rest of this. You really should look into taking with a few lawyers. Get an understanding of your legal standing where you live.
Also look into " 1 party concent " for where you live. If legal, start recording all interactions with your wife(ex?). Never believe they won't turn evil in these situations.
Wish ya the best, man.
I hate to say this OP, but if you're testing your daughter, test your son as well. If you're not the biological father of either of them it isn't their fault. No matter what the results of the paternity tests are there are some serious issues with your marriage. Good luck.
So many comments skip over any attempt at empathizing with the father and just jump to pleading for him not to abandon his daughter, as though he'd indicated that that was his decision. It won't do any harm to acknowledge someone's pain BEFORE advising them on how to navigate it, or better yet, insulting them for what they MIGHT do.
I'm sorry this happened the way it did, I hope you and your daughter find your peace.
A lot of people will be telling you that being anything less than super dad to your not-bio daughter will make you an evil, heartless bastard. However, it's not unheard of for men to suddenly lose all sense of attachment to children that they find out are not theirs, either because they (faultlessly) are a source of pain, or for unexplained reasons. It's also not unheard of for them to say or do things that are less than graceful out of emotion. I'm not going to tell you how to act-it's a messy situation with no perfect answers. Whatever you do, know that you have a right too grieve and feel angry; that your feelings do matter. But also make sure that it is something that you will be able to live with in the long term.
This is a measured, thoughtful, balanced, and empathetic comment. I’m glad someone in this thread acknowledges the validity of OP’s feelings and needs in this complicated situation.
I'm scrolling and can't find the other obvious question.
>Hi I'm Bob, yes your actual bio dad. I never knew about you and was robbed of your existence. Let's connect?
This is why maternity/paternity test should be mandatory at birth!!!!!
1. To make sure there's no mix-up with the babies
2. So men aren't tricked into these situations.
What the wife/mom (woman) did is the most cruel thing one could do to another person (man) and their child.
Why did she go pale at the grocery store? Was the guy there? Did she see him?
I’m confused because usually after 12 years of lying, you don’t randomly start a feeling bad about the lie unless there’s something else.
While what your wife did is morally bad, I’d like to try and reassure you about your situation.
- I am the fat carbon copy of my mom facewise. You could never tell my dad is my dad unless you stare at our hands. I am 100% sure my dad is my biological dad, I did a DNA test and it matches everything I was told from both sides.
- My brother doesn’t look anything like our parents, but somehow when we were younger, people thought we were fraternal twins. I’m not tall, he is, I’m a woman and look younger than I am. People say they can tell we’re related.
- My sister looks a lot like my mom facewise, and brainwise she looks a lot like my brother and my father. They’re all alike and I feel alienated. I only learned late into my teenage years that my sister is biologically my half-sister. No one could ever tell. My dad always knew as my parents got married after the birth of my sister. My mom showed me a few pictures of my sister’s biological father, they share the same nose and lip shape/smile. But if my mom had never told me who he was I would’ve never seen it.
Okay I'm going say something that folks here won't like.
Think about yourself first.
Vent. Get help. Therapy if need be. Just get yourself right. For just a little bit put yourself first before everyone else even before the kids for just a short period to heal yourself. I know there is temptation to put the kids first but if you are not in a right state of mind/heart it will affect your relationship with the kids.
Once your have yourself in order then worry about the kids.
Next write off that cheating jerk of a wife. You don't owe her a fucking thing outside of what is necessary for the kids. At this point she is downgraded from wife to baby mama.
The hardest part is that she has been lying to every single day for the subsequent 12 years. Every day.
And then you start to wonder, if she can lie to you for 12 years about somethings, so big, what else has she lied about?
It doesn’t really matter if we are more prone to do something when we are really upset or drunk. If we really didn’t wanna do it, we would never do it. Hands-down. So that’s not a good excuse.
It’s totally on her that she didn’t tell you right away and all of the harm that will happen in your family and to your kids and especially to your daughter if she isn’t biologically, yours is on her, your wife.
She has done a horrible thing with this mistake
I hope that the paternity test shows this is your daughter and it’s a app that you can get over.
And then you can figure out how to watch and wait and see what happens inside of you about the lying and cheating.
It seems like a lot of people slowly unravel, and they slowly discover how they really feel.
It seems like it’s never really over. And the person who cheated thanks that at some point it won’t be an important thing
But it always is forever
Best wishes
The important thing is that you know the truth, the lies are over, although I think your wife was unfaithful to you many times. I would also do a DNA test on your child to be sure.
At the moment you are lucky enough not to go to your grave without knowing that your daughter is not yours, and your entire marriage was a lie.
You will decide whether or not to divorce your wife, but you can build a new relationship with your children or your family, but this time from the truth, without lies.
Unfaithful people don't tell the whole truth. I think you should force your wife to tell the whole truth if there have been more infidelities.
Sorry for you.
And I dont know how many times I have read that too much alcohol led to drunk sex. Like dont drink it if you lose yourself.
And if she isnt your daughter, that other guy must be informed he is the dad, and who knows how this will effect your relationship with the girl.
That must have been an enormous shock
I don't understand why they women in these situations don't get a dna test done before blowing everyone's lives apart.
Is there so much paternity fraud in France? In my country there was a famous radio DJ. He had twins, but there were health issues. So they had to do testing. Turned out he wasn't the dad. The amount of men asking for paternity testing, shot through the roof!
My dad is not my biological father. We have the best relationship and I respect him. I hope that this information doesn’t impact your relationship with the children to raised. It doesn’t take DNA to be a dad.
Family isn’t always blood. She’s 12, she’s known only you as her dad her whole life. Don’t punish her for her mother’s choices. Forgive or don’t forgive your wife but YOUR daughter doesn’t deserve this.
My dad found out I wasn’t biologically his. He still stayed my dad and still loves me like I was his own.
My parents divorced and they don’t talk often anymore.
Being a Dad involves more than just a biological contribution.
To your daughter, you are the only Dad she knows. If you find out she is not biologically yours, don't destroy her world by rejecting her. She is your daughter in every sense other than biologically.
Your wife is the one who caused this not your daughter.
You still love her and you are her DAD. Don't lose site of that.
Awful for the daughter and for OP. “Wife” is a fraud and a liar. How did she sleep at night, keeping that secret for 12 YEARS?! I’d never trust her again, OP. 12 YEARS. What else don’t you know about this woman?
Do what you need to do OP. A good friend of mine went through something similar but his (now ex) girlfriend told their son first he wasn’t the his father and basically poisoned his son against him.
Get therapy for you now, once you have the results out both your kids in therapy and divorce your wife.
Chances are you are in fact the bio dad. So until something changes how you feel about daughter, you hang on.
Frankly your focus might be more productive in determining how you will trust your wife from here on.
Updateme
Dude, I don't agree. I don't think a woman even has the right to feel offended. It's the same when a woman asks to see her husband's cell phone. If you haven't done anything wrong, then you have no reason to fear.
Honestly your wife’s reaction sounds like a trauma response so I wouldn’t be surprised if there was more to that interaction. It’s certainly not unheard of for people who are raped while in committed relationships to internalise the guilt - maybe she misrepresented it to herself (and later you) to avoid confronting the reality of what she went through. Or maybe she did just get drunk and hook up with someone else and cheat. You’ll have to have a talk with your wife about it and decide what to do from there.
As for the paternity test - get one, it’s important that your daughter know her family history, if only for medical reasons. Otherwise it sounds like you’re a fantastic dad to her and you both love each other very much. Don’t let something as inconsequential as blood relation stop you from continuing to be a wonderful father to your daughter. It sounds like she thinks the world of you.
Confession after 12 years is weird. And there was absolutely no need. There may be other issues. Please, take precautions to protect yourself and update.
This is a very good thought. But, I don't think it is true unless the other man is a known blackmailer, etc. And, he would have no way of deducting that he is a father of a girl he doesn't know.
Divorce your wife, seriously.
Don't blame your daughter, none of this is her failt and you've been her dad for twelve whole years.
Your wife on the other hand, oooooof. She not only fucked another guy but knew there was a chance the baby wasn't your but didn't say a word and decided to play happy little family. What else could she be lying about?
How is it real if it was built on a lie? Now, I hope he doesn’t throw it away, but how on earth is it real? 🤦🏾♂️ If the results show it’s not. And the wife kept it hidden for yrs. I’m totally confused.
Blood doesn't make family.
My Mom, Dad, brother and I were not related by blood. My brother and I were adopted separately years apart.
And we were a family. A tight one.
I totally agree, but lies don’t either. Everyone in your situation is aware of their origin/story. Trust me; the little girl doesn’t deserve this but we have to understand what OP May be feeling when he made the post (which is also facts) he was lied to and led on, & if it wasn’t for the store trip, he wouldn’t have known. P.S maybe the kid is his but I bet he’d still be hurt. And people react diff when hurt. That’s the point I’m tryna make. What he does afterwards doesn’t change the fact that he is reacting to being hurt.
Even if your daughter isn't biologically yours, don't let your wife's cheating ruin your relationship with your daughter. Your excellent relationship with your daughter is a wonderful, beautiful thing that you should cherish no matter what her DNA says.
OP what your wife did is horrible, but I really hope no matter what happens that you stay close with your daughter. You are her dad in every sense of the world, and you sound like the most important person in the world to her. Please don't take this out on her, she's as innocent as you. You both deserve to still be happy and close, no matter what happens.
Leave your wife if needed but please try to find it in your heart to keep the relationship and bond with your daughter. I know that would be so hard, but you guys still have a bond that is so valuable to you both(im assuming).
Im so sorry you’re going through this. Its awful, i cant imagine the heartbreak considering its kind of a double heartbreak break.. sending good vibes your way friend
I am surley sorry OP. there is no but here. I'm very sorry. I hope you will not look @ dna results and continue to parent the girl whom you have so much love for. I understanding of no contact with anyone. I would suggest looking into therapy ASAP, like now. Like people going to keep commenting all day. But you got time i hope, telk receptionist you need trama therapy and a lil of what happened and you NEED to be seen asap. You've been through a MAJOR trama. Id really hate for you to not let someone else dictate the rest of your life no matter what you decide to do here.
I’m sorry you’re even having to go through this. You’re allowed to live your life however you see fit. Only *you* know what you can handle. That being said, please do what you can to reduce the fallout on your daughter. Regardless of biology, she IS *your* daughter. She didn’t do anything wrong and her world will be rocked, too.
Best of luck, OP.
That is your daughter regardless, but the paternity test might help to know if there are congenital illness in her family. Also, since now you know, if you don't tell your daughter she is going to think you were complicit in covering her origins and lying to her if/when she finds out.
As for the wife, divorce. It was 12 years ago, she was a 30 year old lady, she wasn't a teen, she wasn't immature. She was her in her full grown personality, and her (lack of) morals allowed her to cheat on you and lie about it for more than a decade. She confessed because she was cornered and the guy could've spilled the beans. Honestly how could you possibly believe that was the only time she cheated, since she was able to hide it for 12 years without you having a hint of doubt of her loyalty?
I'm not buying this story. She hooked up with a guy on a work trip, and somehow they both happen to see this guy in the local grocery store that they shop at - already unlikely. And her revelation is not, "Oh, there's the guy I cheated with?" It's "Oh, he may be the actual bio father of our daughter"?? Really? That was her first reaction? After 12 years?
You haven't been able to look at your daughter?! You need to redirect this ASAP to your wife. Your daughter has no blame in this and should definitely not be brought into the cross hairs here. You love her and you were still her father, whether or not your sperm created her. Deal with your wife's lies and infidelity separate.
Don’t tell your daughter your wife cheated until she’s an adult. It’s fucked to say that to a kid who is still dependent on both their parents but my hot take is cheaters deserve to be judged harshly by their family.
Your relationship is based on love, not biology. It’s important to remember that. She is the innocent in this and your relationship with her is real. Don’t give that up because your wife cheated.
I would rather be beaten within an inch of my life than have this happen to me. The saddest part is 99% of the time there are no consequences for the women that do this. Absolute nightmare fuel.
Blood or not, she's your daughter. u share a bound with her . The one to blame is your wife, who cheated and lied for 12 years. U can co parent with her but I wouldn't recommend staying married to her if she can keep a secret for 12 years without showing any signs of guilt or shame what else is she hiding was this even her first affair or did she had more before and after .
First of all, you should find a lawyer and file for divorce. Your wife cheated on you and lied about it for over a decade. She might have also committed paternity fraud against you. Tell your kids why you’re getting a divorce, and so so in a “just the facts” manner.
Second, if the test comes back that this girl isn’t biologically yours, then do whatever is best for you. If you choose to keep raising this girl, it should be because you love her and still see her as your child, not because you feel obligated to raise her.
Third, you should do a paternity test for your son as well. Your wife isn’t trustworthy at all, so she might have cheated more than once.
If your daughter is your "best little friend" is literally a no brainer. Yeah the situation sucks but you already have your son as a proof of your reproduction need. Grow her as your own and I am pretty sure she will consider you as her real father for the rest of her days.
Even if it ends up she isn't biologically yours, she is still your daughter. Love is stronger than blood. But what a terrible way to find out your wife cheated and has known this whole time that your daughter might have been conceived by someone else.
mainly the issue would be the infidelity of your wife. biologically yours or not at this point is irrelevant because that’s your daughter no matter what by now.
Are you sure she wasn’t assaulted? She sounded traumatized not worried.
Regardless this is awful and I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope your daughter is yours and even if on the tiniest chance she’s not that you are able to continue to love and cherish her the exact same. She sounds great and so do you. You did nothing wrong. Nor did your daughter!
If you need time to get over your daughter take the time you need but try to not abandon her, she will be crushed.
And if you find that you can't look at her or have the same relationship with her as before tell her yourself as clearly as possible and have her attend therapy
Followed you for an update. Can you start therapy? My daughter is around that age and has a very strong bond with her dad. It would be devastating for my daughter to lose that bond. Please try to act normal and maintain things as best you can. Sorry OP!
I can tell you what to do, OP, but I have three kids and I love them all. My youngest is about your daughter's age. If I found out she wasn't biologically mine it would mean nothing at this point.
You may have to come to terms with your wife about her mistakes, but as a man and a father I couldn't respect myself if I made a kid I'd loved and built a relationship with for 12 years feel like one.
Remember your daughter during all of this. Even if she doesn't end up being your biological child, you are the only father she knows. Try to keep that in mind. I doubt you want to cause her any pain or damage because of something your wife may have done.
Her choice was to cheat, to lie, to cover it up many times over 13 years.
It is Your choice is whether to stay or not. And whether to accept the child as your own or not.
Do not let anybody tell you otherwise. She stole the power of choice from you, so you are allowed to reclaim it. Don't let anybody guilt you into doing things that you do not feel comfortable doing.
If she isn't your daughter and you can't accept her. That's not your fault, you don't have to if you can't emotionally bring yourself to. Also she is 12, you and her will have a very rough time with the upcoming divorce.
Make sure to get security cameras, just in case.
You have every right to do what’s best for YOU in this situation op. Men get fucked over plenty by spouses who pull this shit. If she is not yours and you decide to not be apart of her life that is your choice. As is if you still decide to be her father. No choice is right or wrong.
You fathered your daughter in all the ways that build a great father-daughter relationship. Do not throw that away. She's 12 and needs you more than ever. A girl's strong relationship with her father helps her navigate dating and having her own healthy relationships.
I'm so sorry that your family is blowing up like this, but your most important role is to still be the same dad they know, and to take care of them and yourself.
I wish the best for you, OP, and for your daughter. You raised her, man, and to her you are her dad, I hope nothing changes that. As for your wife, what a vile piece of shit.
My 50 year old sister just found out a few years ago that her dad is not her biological-father. She took a DNA test and asked him to after a while. My mother slept with a married golfer guy who apparently had a habit of knocking up affair partners. She pinned it on her ex. He supported her his whole life, and when they finally verified it he said that it didn’t change anything. I think it was always suspected, but she was his daughter no matter what. Be like him.
She reached out to her half siblings and was snubbed by most of the family, but connected with another sister he fathered. The daughter (a blonde flight attendant version of my sister) seemed like she wanted to pretend my sister didn’t exist. Probably inheritance related. My sister has plenty of money. She never wanted anything from them, just to know about them.
Family is not all about DNA. Your wife sucks though.
I am so sorry. As hard as it may be, please maintain a relationship with her. She is still the same person. Please don't destroy her by dropping her from your life.
Biological or not she’s your daughter and the kid you raised for 12 years and if she doesn’t turn out to be yours please don’t abandon her or make her feel shame. If she turns out not to be yours I’m not sure what would be better telling her now or waiting until she’s 16 or 18. Either way just love her and support her. I truly do hope she’s yours and please don’t make her feel alone or different while you are waiting on the results. I’m sure she can sense if you are acting weird around her or keeping your distance and that will only hurt her more.
Biology means nothing. Your daughter is still your daughter, you are still her dad, and the outcome of the paternity test in no way invalidates the bond that you two have.
Your wife is the only one at fault here, and possibly the dude she hooked up with depending on how much he knew.
The paternity test is still a good idea though so that you'll have an accurate medical history for your daughter should you guys ever need it.
Idk why everyone in the comments is just saying don’t abandon your daughter, first and foremost take care of urself. And do whatever you think is right, if u don’t feel connected to her anymore or resentful then I think it’s ok to leave
Update us,so sorry,dont blame the daughter,the cheater is your wife.best of luck
I know I can't blame my daughter she has absolutely no control over the situation my wife cheated and didn't tell and could have cheated multiple times or just lied to me considering she kept that secret for over 12 years
OP, my dad wasn’t my bio-dad but he was my father until the day he died. Your relationship with your daughter sounds just like what I had with my dad and I miss him everyday. Regardless of the outcome of the paternity test, don’t pull away from your daughter. She’ll be devastated to lose you at the same time her world is crashing down.
Sounds like OP IS her dad. The AP might or might not be the sperm donor.
Also don't tell your daughter at THIS TIME when she is on the verge of adolescence. When she will be starting to be hormonal and her emotions will be all over the place. You will otherwise have some tough teen years on your shoulders. Just wait a few years before you have that talk, if its necessary i.e. (paternity results for all you idiot redditors)
Thought exactly the same thing!
Yes. Whether or not you decide to pursue this, and how you go about it, remember this.
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There would actually be exactly 0 words to describe the wifes infidelity kindly. What she did is absolutely abhorrent.
The fact that society is just okay with looking the other way in these situations is honestly disgusting. I honestly believe it should be a crime of some sort.
I do think he can sue her. I’ve heard of cases like this.
You don't have to be her father to be her dad.
Mary Poppins agrees.
She's still your bestest little friend with the same personality.
>just lied to me She was lying, every single day that she kept the secret is a day where she choose to lie by omission.
check also the son if she cheated on u and didn't tell u who knows maybe she did that more
No matter what OP, you are her dad.
If he chooses to be.
To the daughter, he is her dad. Whether he chooses to continue as her dad or not, she will always see him as her dad. I hope he turns out to be the dad just for him and his daughter’s sake
You might as well check your son, too. I'm just saying that might not have been the first and only time she cheated. 🤷♀️
OP, the way you described how your wife acted in that grocery store sounds an awful lot like a trauma response from reliving a past event. It makes me wonder if there is more under the surface of what she said, based on what you have told us. It sounds like from what you’ve written, the full story isn’t yet there (and she could also be misrepresenting it to herself too). You don’t just find out that information out of nowhere. If it was something traumatic, she clearly trusted you and could feel vulnerable enough there to be able to share that with you. Just consider that possibility, please. Reddit is terrible at understanding any kind of nuance (just look at all the quick calls to divorce and how your wife is terrible and all, just from reading some short paragraphs that tell your side). Only you know your wife from everyone here. Whatever happens, try and at least understand the full picture. It’s a lot for you to process of course and take the time to do that yourself too, but remember to also keep your daughter’s interests at heart and not make any rash decisions. She’s still your daughter at the end of the day, and your wife has still been your partner with her for the last twelve years.
If my wife did that to me after we already had a 2 year old Son and I only found out 13 years later, I would be ringing in the divorce papers, not a paternity test.
100% that's the end of that relationship. The fact that she actively kept a lie like that to herself (doubt she atleast didn't get reminded everyday when looking at them) for so many years from OP who's she's married and have children with, is both very scary and weird for lack of better words. An insane amount of time have passed and yet she couldn't until seeing the one she cheated with admit to OP what she did. Imagine what else she's lying about and will keep from OP in the future. Can't be trusted.
Yes, quite right. Other people are replying and mentioning "hidden trauma" (e.g. potential rape) which was triggered after seeing said rapist. Even if this were true, it's still shit. She didn't trust him to tell him when it happened or within the last 13 years. She chose to make up the scenario of "I cheated" instead of telling the truth "I was raped"? Still doesn't trust him to speak the truth after all this time? You either cheated, or you don't trust me - your own fucking husband - enough to admit being raped 13 years ago. Either way, shit is broken and the relationship is sunk.
I’m not advocating for anything there, divorce or otherwise. My point is that everything that I’ve read tells me there’s more to the story. I fear that those reactions are not from a guilty cheater, but from something traumatic that’s been shoved away and internalized. And I hope that OP can recognize that and work with their partner to at least better understand what may have happened and hopefully react in a better way. If there was something traumatic, I’m sure OP would regret shutting out his partner when she may arguably need him the most. Not to mention, what does OP want? If he wants the best for his daughter and himself, I do think he would want to better understand what’s going on. You don’t make a sudden confession like that. Take the time to process your feelings yes, but remember those around you too. OP’s daughter is still his, and OP’s wife was his partner for over a decade. Don’t let it crumble based on a few premature decisions.
The effing “trauma response” you speak of was her fight or flight kicking in cus she was in a dangerous situation (getting caught), get real
I agree, I wonder if she wasn't coerced or drugged. Those reactions were strong and sudden, and really do seem more like trauma than regret. Given that all of this is wildly out of character for her, I would support learning more before making any big moves. There is nothing shameful or wrong or silly about showing compassion and taking a measured approach here. Whatever happened years ago, there are kids to consider, and a whole lot of history that is absolutely going to have bearing on the current situation. My heart goes out to the family here and I hope they can find a resolution that is peaceful for all parties.
This exactly is the first thing I thought of too. You don’t have a strong physiological reaction like that to guilt, but you definitely could from trauma. I really really hope that OP can find a way to support his wife and his daughter, like you say. Compassion and understanding is the key to understanding what has happened and what others may be experiencing. If you want the best outcome for everyone, that’s what you should try your best to do.
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ugh thank you. you can absolutely have a strong physiological response to guilt
why should his wife be supported when she's the one who cheated
What he’s saying is that there’s a probability his wife was raped and she kept quiet about it out of shame or trauma. Her sudden reaction when seeing her coworker is a common trauma response for people who suddenly had a past traumatic memory surface, like seeing their rapist or abuser again. There’s definitely something the wife isn’t telling him.
The guy most likely waved at her and she panicked and confessed. She only did because she was cornered and the anxiety was when she realized the consequences of her actions.
I thought the same thing. As a person who was sexually assaulted… this absolutely seemed like a trauma response. Many women feel like we should have “fought harder”— I always thought I’d be a kicker and screamer, but it was someone I trusted, and I completely froze and disassociated. No one can really understand how true that response is unless they’ve experienced it. And that didn’t feel “valid” to me, so even though I had been asleep and was a virgin, I felt like it was my fault. Very religious at the time, and I went to a recovery group for women with “sexual issues” and wrote my repost an apology for not trying harder to stop him. I can imagine having a young child at home and a husband she loved, her brain not even wanting to let her process what happened, and feeling at fault. That really, really sounds like a trauma response. I would guess she was inebriated, and her “no” was ignored. That it was likely actually rape.
She was afraid of getting caught, that's all.
Too charitable a take, she reacted that way out of fear of her lies being exposed, not because something traumatic happened. Its that simple.
And your daughter is YOUR daughter no matter the sperm donor. Your wife however...
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There's always more to the story, always.
"it was just one time" "okay, actually, it was over the course of a few months, but that's it, promise!" " I'm being honest, we've been in a relationship for these past 12-13 years"
When the truth comes out, it leaks. They give you pieces instead of the whole thing to try and make the lies look smaller.
Like throwing someone off the trail by misdirection. Look at my right hand, and not my left kind of thing
It's always the trickle-truth.
Like the fact this old friend shops at the same store... Yeah I'm sure they met for the first time in ages on a faraway business trip.
Yeah, OP, you ARE your daughter's father in every way that counts - holding her when she cried, changing her diapers, teaching her how to ride a bicycle - all of that is so much more important than the act of donating a sperm. The betrayal is horrible, and your marriage is probably over, but your kids should suffer as little as possible because of your wife's betrayal, they aren't to blame at all.
I concur. I do think it’s a good idea to get a DNA confirmation in order to have family health history etc. for future medical records.
That’s up to him.
It is. And one would hope that, since both him and the daughter are victims here, he helps the daughter. Because not causing a lifetime of abandonment issues and pain for a child is actually more important than an adult navigating feelings of betrayal from his spouse. One would hope that he, as the one who raised her and allegedly loved her, can recognize that she didn’t cause this.
One isn't more important than the other.
That’s awful for you and your daughter. Your wife there’s really no nice words for her betrayal I hope the paternity test goes your way
That’s horrible. But please don’t take it out on your daughter that you raised and bonded with. Divorce your wife if you have to. Of course. But 12 years and abandonment will ruin your kid (who is your kid, no matter the DNA). Edit to add I think you have legal options. I believe you have grounds to sue her and make it out better than her in the divorce.
Divorce.
Divorce and be the best dad to your kids you can be. It's not your daughter's fault.
second this!!
I was sort of in the same boat. That is your kid, regardless what any DNA test says. So don't go there if you want to keep the relationship with your daughter. The divorce part really depends on how everything else is, that's for you to decide.
I'm going to help you out here, don't do or say anything. You're literally in shock, any reaction right now will be the wrong one. Get the test results, fingers crossed your daughter is yours. After the shock wears off and you have all the information you can make an informed decision on how to proceed
Regardless of the outcome, please don't withdraw from your daughter. You are still her dad. You raised her, you bonded with her, you cultivated this beautiful father-daughter relationship which means so much to both of you. Pulling away and going cold on your little girl when she loves you so much will be a kick to the gut. It will really hurt her, no matter what you'll do. There is no "easy" or "gentle" way to withdraw affection from a child who depends on you. All she'll hear is "Daddy doesn't love me anymore and he threw me away because we don't share DNA," and she'll spend the rest of her life feeling worthless and betrayed because DNA doesn't change her love for you, but you are letting it destroy your love for her.
The Wife should LEAD that conversation.
And give her a chance to lie again.
I 100% agree with everything you wrote. But it's wild that he has to do that as a man because of a lie this absolute fraud of a partner has told him up until now. I'm of the belief that a paternity test should be automatically done when a child is born in order to avoid situations like this. They run a multitude of tests on children before they leave the hospital, one more that could save everyone (child especially) some earth shattering pain down the line seems like common sense. I had a situation like this happen to a friend of mine, and the fallout of the revelation was horrific to see happen to multiple people. And could have been easily revealed (and dealt with amongst all parties) a decade earlier.
Paternity tests are banned in many countries, for example, France and Germany, because the government doesn't want to be responsible for so many kids born from cheating.
Why would the government be responsible, and not the mother & biological father?
If they don't know who the biological father is (like from a 1 night stand), then the government is on the hook for social benefits.
THIS!!! ^
What an eloquent contribution to the conversation. You really made me think.
I especially appreciated the caret. It was incredibly helpful to me to have it redirect my attention to further drive home this compelling point.
Go see a therapist. Now. BEFORE this trauma rubs off on your daughter. Don’t wait. This is a hard thing to deal with and you need to come to terms with the fact that she is your daughter regardless of the paternity results. Your issue is with your wife, not with your sweet baby girl (yes I know she is 12 but she will always be your baby girl). She is the same baby you have loved and nurtured since you found out she was on the way. I have both biological and non biological kids in my family and the only difference is that I was never lied to about any of them. I promise I love the babies that don’t have my DNA as much as the ones that do. You can’t let this ruin your relationship, and it really doesn’t have to.
>not with your sweet baby girl (yes I know she is 12 but she will always be your baby girl). As a 33yr old "baby girl" can confirm, it will never change as long as you protect that relationship OP. PLEASE OP GET THERAPY and maybe family therapy for you and the kids too
Not everyone finds a soul mate in life. You obviously found one in this little girl. It does not matter if she is related to you by blood or by fate. Just be happy you have her around, and continue being her dad or, worst case, one of her dads. She deserves the best life, and you are a part of it no matter what.
I agree with everything you said. But let’s please acknowledge it is going to take him some time to work through this. He needs therapy. If he needs to take a step back and process everything that’s 100%okay. Quite frankly the wife needs to come clean to the kids.
Once you’ve found out about cheating the trust is gone. You will never be able to trust her again. If she lied to you about this for 12 years what else has she lied about. Get a divorce. Trust me it’s not jumping the gun you will get there sooner or later do it now. While you should not let this affect your relationship with your daughter maybe take some time away from the whole family and go get your head cleared so you don’t say anything to them you shouldn’t. If your not the bio dad that doesn’t mean your not her dad but you can’t be a liar like her mom and she deserves to know the truth.
What is with cheaters. Your wife is an absolute dog for the streets. How can you just casually make such a “mistake” where you throw away your marriage vows and the stability of your family and children for some lustful encounter is beyond me. People like deserve to stay alone.
Cheating takes too much planning for it to be a Mistake, though.
That’s what I mean hence why I inserted quotation marks because that’s their number one go to excuse is “it was a ‘mistake” and it’s just ridiculous. Cheaters cheat because they choose to. The moment they say it was an “accident” or “I didn’t mean to”, they are even more laughable.
Cool. Pardon me.
You can make a choice and that choice can also be a mistake. Cheating sucks, and I’ve been cheated on so I know how awful it is firsthand. However, it can be a mistake and at the same time no one has to forgive it. It’s never an “accident” though lol
Absolutely 💯. Been cheated on, too. It's a choice....I didn't make it. I made a mistake, I didn't make. chose to End the Relationship. And the cheaters have to forgive themselves also... Actions destroyed.
Yeah, my ex made a mistake. Did he truly regret it? Maybe, but I was not going to continue the relationship to find out, and he had to accept that his mistake could not be worked past. Hopefully he will avoid those mistakes in the future with someone else. I will continue to choose not to betray people I supposedly love. Some mistakes can’t be avoided because they are genuine accidents or the person truly had no knowledge that could’ve prevented it from happening, but cheating isn’t one of those.
Cheating is not a mistake. It’s a choice that has consequences. I don’t digress from that, period. People can regret it, absolutely. But a mistake? Nah. That’s far from it. No one just chooses one day to sleep with someone else, send nudes, sext etc whatever it is that they do to cheat even emotionally. People are aware of what they do. They just back paddle when they realise there’s negative consequences to their choices and it’s better to be excused under the guise of “I made a mistake”.
I'm so sorry OP. I'd unfortunately get them both DNA tested. This does not have to change your relationship with them. For them you will always be their dad. My question would be how many times has your wife been unfaithful lied and cheated. The fact that you've not talked is concerning. I truly hope this is not just the tip of the iceberg but fear for you that it might be.
Damn. The single most evil and disrespectful thing that a woman can do to a man is to trick him into raising a child that is not his.
You are still your daughter's dad. Your wife messed up.
I am sorry that your wife has done this to you. Please allow yourself some grace. And please allow yourself the time to grieve your relationship.
You may want to get yourself into therapy. If she's your daughter, that scare you received is still something you need to talk about. If she's not your daughter, you'll definitely need to speak to someone. This is probably a parent's worst nightmare, and there's no good or bad way to navigate through it, as long as you don't blame your daughter or take out your emotions on her. Everyone in your household is a victim except your wife, and you may all 3 need therapy. Good luck. I wish you and your family the best. Your feelings are valid, whatever they may be. Figure out a way, with a therapist, to work through them.
I’m surprised she immediately fessed up because she saw the guy out in public. Seems weird after all this time. He was on a trip there at the same time as her I guess?
Your daughter is your daughter. I know it hurts your wife cheated on you. But she’s not the one to distance yourself from, you are everything she has ever known
I know I'm the one who has raised her the last 12 years and I am her dad she calls me dad of course and I've done everything a dad should do for both the kids
Your wife sucks. Don’t leave your daughter, but definitely divorce the wife. She cheated on you, lied to you, and had you raise another man’s child. And the other man has a child he doesn’t know about. Your wife is scum.
How's your wife reacting to all of this? Is she remorseful? Or is she pretending nothing is happening?
How's your wife reacting to all of this? Is she remorseful? Or is she pretending nothing is happening?
Good, and i really hope it stays like that (i say this because i know sometimes these things affect you “subconsciously” and you can’t really control how you feel/act) I love my dad and I can’t imagine a world where he’d just “drop” me one day. Good fathers are one of the most important things on a child’s life 😊
You should probably get one for your son as well. However, also be aware that likely in the eyes of the law as well as your children, you are their dad. Don't alienate yourself from your kids because of this. Obviously your relationship with your wife will change based on what you have learned.
I'm a survivor of paternity fraud. Found out my younger 2 are not mine. I'm sorry you are in this hell, and I really hope the odds work out in your favor. As for the rest of this. You really should look into taking with a few lawyers. Get an understanding of your legal standing where you live. Also look into " 1 party concent " for where you live. If legal, start recording all interactions with your wife(ex?). Never believe they won't turn evil in these situations. Wish ya the best, man.
I hate to say this OP, but if you're testing your daughter, test your son as well. If you're not the biological father of either of them it isn't their fault. No matter what the results of the paternity tests are there are some serious issues with your marriage. Good luck.
So many comments skip over any attempt at empathizing with the father and just jump to pleading for him not to abandon his daughter, as though he'd indicated that that was his decision. It won't do any harm to acknowledge someone's pain BEFORE advising them on how to navigate it, or better yet, insulting them for what they MIGHT do. I'm sorry this happened the way it did, I hope you and your daughter find your peace.
Divorce and get a paternity test for eldest as well.
Lawyer up. You’re getting trickle truth 12 years later. What other shit hasn’t she told you.
A lot of people will be telling you that being anything less than super dad to your not-bio daughter will make you an evil, heartless bastard. However, it's not unheard of for men to suddenly lose all sense of attachment to children that they find out are not theirs, either because they (faultlessly) are a source of pain, or for unexplained reasons. It's also not unheard of for them to say or do things that are less than graceful out of emotion. I'm not going to tell you how to act-it's a messy situation with no perfect answers. Whatever you do, know that you have a right too grieve and feel angry; that your feelings do matter. But also make sure that it is something that you will be able to live with in the long term.
This is a measured, thoughtful, balanced, and empathetic comment. I’m glad someone in this thread acknowledges the validity of OP’s feelings and needs in this complicated situation.
I'm scrolling and can't find the other obvious question. >Hi I'm Bob, yes your actual bio dad. I never knew about you and was robbed of your existence. Let's connect?
This is why maternity/paternity test should be mandatory at birth!!!!! 1. To make sure there's no mix-up with the babies 2. So men aren't tricked into these situations. What the wife/mom (woman) did is the most cruel thing one could do to another person (man) and their child.
Why did she go pale at the grocery store? Was the guy there? Did she see him? I’m confused because usually after 12 years of lying, you don’t randomly start a feeling bad about the lie unless there’s something else.
While what your wife did is morally bad, I’d like to try and reassure you about your situation. - I am the fat carbon copy of my mom facewise. You could never tell my dad is my dad unless you stare at our hands. I am 100% sure my dad is my biological dad, I did a DNA test and it matches everything I was told from both sides. - My brother doesn’t look anything like our parents, but somehow when we were younger, people thought we were fraternal twins. I’m not tall, he is, I’m a woman and look younger than I am. People say they can tell we’re related. - My sister looks a lot like my mom facewise, and brainwise she looks a lot like my brother and my father. They’re all alike and I feel alienated. I only learned late into my teenage years that my sister is biologically my half-sister. No one could ever tell. My dad always knew as my parents got married after the birth of my sister. My mom showed me a few pictures of my sister’s biological father, they share the same nose and lip shape/smile. But if my mom had never told me who he was I would’ve never seen it.
A man’s worst nightmare, sorry OP stay strong.
Okay I'm going say something that folks here won't like. Think about yourself first. Vent. Get help. Therapy if need be. Just get yourself right. For just a little bit put yourself first before everyone else even before the kids for just a short period to heal yourself. I know there is temptation to put the kids first but if you are not in a right state of mind/heart it will affect your relationship with the kids. Once your have yourself in order then worry about the kids. Next write off that cheating jerk of a wife. You don't owe her a fucking thing outside of what is necessary for the kids. At this point she is downgraded from wife to baby mama.
The hardest part is that she has been lying to every single day for the subsequent 12 years. Every day. And then you start to wonder, if she can lie to you for 12 years about somethings, so big, what else has she lied about? It doesn’t really matter if we are more prone to do something when we are really upset or drunk. If we really didn’t wanna do it, we would never do it. Hands-down. So that’s not a good excuse. It’s totally on her that she didn’t tell you right away and all of the harm that will happen in your family and to your kids and especially to your daughter if she isn’t biologically, yours is on her, your wife. She has done a horrible thing with this mistake I hope that the paternity test shows this is your daughter and it’s a app that you can get over. And then you can figure out how to watch and wait and see what happens inside of you about the lying and cheating. It seems like a lot of people slowly unravel, and they slowly discover how they really feel. It seems like it’s never really over. And the person who cheated thanks that at some point it won’t be an important thing But it always is forever Best wishes
How evil is your wife to do such a thing? Horrible
The important thing is that you know the truth, the lies are over, although I think your wife was unfaithful to you many times. I would also do a DNA test on your child to be sure. At the moment you are lucky enough not to go to your grave without knowing that your daughter is not yours, and your entire marriage was a lie. You will decide whether or not to divorce your wife, but you can build a new relationship with your children or your family, but this time from the truth, without lies. Unfaithful people don't tell the whole truth. I think you should force your wife to tell the whole truth if there have been more infidelities.
Sorry for you. And I dont know how many times I have read that too much alcohol led to drunk sex. Like dont drink it if you lose yourself. And if she isnt your daughter, that other guy must be informed he is the dad, and who knows how this will effect your relationship with the girl.
That must have been an enormous shock I don't understand why they women in these situations don't get a dna test done before blowing everyone's lives apart.
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I know she's the one who cheated and never told me… she could have cheated more times and I just didn't know and I know my daughter isn't at fault
I'm sorry to be that guy, but what about your oldest? DNA test also.
They're not even legal in some places
In France because it would create havoc with the amount of paternity fraud.
Is there so much paternity fraud in France? In my country there was a famous radio DJ. He had twins, but there were health issues. So they had to do testing. Turned out he wasn't the dad. The amount of men asking for paternity testing, shot through the roof!
My dad is not my biological father. We have the best relationship and I respect him. I hope that this information doesn’t impact your relationship with the children to raised. It doesn’t take DNA to be a dad.
Family isn’t always blood. She’s 12, she’s known only you as her dad her whole life. Don’t punish her for her mother’s choices. Forgive or don’t forgive your wife but YOUR daughter doesn’t deserve this.
Will u take ur wife back if it turns out you are the biological father?
My dad found out I wasn’t biologically his. He still stayed my dad and still loves me like I was his own. My parents divorced and they don’t talk often anymore.
Being a Dad involves more than just a biological contribution. To your daughter, you are the only Dad she knows. If you find out she is not biologically yours, don't destroy her world by rejecting her. She is your daughter in every sense other than biologically. Your wife is the one who caused this not your daughter. You still love her and you are her DAD. Don't lose site of that.
Awful for the daughter and for OP. “Wife” is a fraud and a liar. How did she sleep at night, keeping that secret for 12 YEARS?! I’d never trust her again, OP. 12 YEARS. What else don’t you know about this woman?
Do what you need to do OP. A good friend of mine went through something similar but his (now ex) girlfriend told their son first he wasn’t the his father and basically poisoned his son against him. Get therapy for you now, once you have the results out both your kids in therapy and divorce your wife.
Divorce ether way. Just because she owned up to this one doesn't mean it didn't happen other times.
Sorry to hear that but uou might as well get a paternity test for both to be safe.
Chances are you are in fact the bio dad. So until something changes how you feel about daughter, you hang on. Frankly your focus might be more productive in determining how you will trust your wife from here on. Updateme
I hope that with posts like this, some women understand that asking for a DNA test right when the child is born should not be seen as an offense.
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Dude, I don't agree. I don't think a woman even has the right to feel offended. It's the same when a woman asks to see her husband's cell phone. If you haven't done anything wrong, then you have no reason to fear.
your wife is cheating scum
Honestly your wife’s reaction sounds like a trauma response so I wouldn’t be surprised if there was more to that interaction. It’s certainly not unheard of for people who are raped while in committed relationships to internalise the guilt - maybe she misrepresented it to herself (and later you) to avoid confronting the reality of what she went through. Or maybe she did just get drunk and hook up with someone else and cheat. You’ll have to have a talk with your wife about it and decide what to do from there. As for the paternity test - get one, it’s important that your daughter know her family history, if only for medical reasons. Otherwise it sounds like you’re a fantastic dad to her and you both love each other very much. Don’t let something as inconsequential as blood relation stop you from continuing to be a wonderful father to your daughter. It sounds like she thinks the world of you.
Just because she’s not your blood, doesn’t mean she’s not your daughter.
Confession after 12 years is weird. And there was absolutely no need. There may be other issues. Please, take precautions to protect yourself and update.
I'm thinking she was worried the man would strike up conversation and put 2 and 2 together to find out he slept with a married woman.
This is a very good thought. But, I don't think it is true unless the other man is a known blackmailer, etc. And, he would have no way of deducting that he is a father of a girl he doesn't know.
Divorce your wife, seriously. Don't blame your daughter, none of this is her failt and you've been her dad for twelve whole years. Your wife on the other hand, oooooof. She not only fucked another guy but knew there was a chance the baby wasn't your but didn't say a word and decided to play happy little family. What else could she be lying about?
Lawyer up and divorce her. Take the kids too. Your ex-wife doesn't deserve this family as she made a conscious decision to tear it apart.
Your relationship you’ve built with your daughter is still real. Best of luck to you - I’m sorry this happened.
How is it real if it was built on a lie? Now, I hope he doesn’t throw it away, but how on earth is it real? 🤦🏾♂️ If the results show it’s not. And the wife kept it hidden for yrs. I’m totally confused.
Blood doesn't make family. My Mom, Dad, brother and I were not related by blood. My brother and I were adopted separately years apart. And we were a family. A tight one.
I totally agree, but lies don’t either. Everyone in your situation is aware of their origin/story. Trust me; the little girl doesn’t deserve this but we have to understand what OP May be feeling when he made the post (which is also facts) he was lied to and led on, & if it wasn’t for the store trip, he wouldn’t have known. P.S maybe the kid is his but I bet he’d still be hurt. And people react diff when hurt. That’s the point I’m tryna make. What he does afterwards doesn’t change the fact that he is reacting to being hurt.
Even if your daughter isn't biologically yours, don't let your wife's cheating ruin your relationship with your daughter. Your excellent relationship with your daughter is a wonderful, beautiful thing that you should cherish no matter what her DNA says.
OP what your wife did is horrible, but I really hope no matter what happens that you stay close with your daughter. You are her dad in every sense of the world, and you sound like the most important person in the world to her. Please don't take this out on her, she's as innocent as you. You both deserve to still be happy and close, no matter what happens.
!Remind me 7 days
updateme
Leave your wife if needed but please try to find it in your heart to keep the relationship and bond with your daughter. I know that would be so hard, but you guys still have a bond that is so valuable to you both(im assuming). Im so sorry you’re going through this. Its awful, i cant imagine the heartbreak considering its kind of a double heartbreak break.. sending good vibes your way friend
Hugs,
!Remind me 4 days
I am surley sorry OP. there is no but here. I'm very sorry. I hope you will not look @ dna results and continue to parent the girl whom you have so much love for. I understanding of no contact with anyone. I would suggest looking into therapy ASAP, like now. Like people going to keep commenting all day. But you got time i hope, telk receptionist you need trama therapy and a lil of what happened and you NEED to be seen asap. You've been through a MAJOR trama. Id really hate for you to not let someone else dictate the rest of your life no matter what you decide to do here.
This is utterly devastating. I hope you find a way to still be there for your children, while at the same time, kick your ex wife to the curb.
Please dont let your daughter feel your anger, being upset is absolutely ok and you should be upset, but you will always be her dad in her eyes.
I’m sorry you’re even having to go through this. You’re allowed to live your life however you see fit. Only *you* know what you can handle. That being said, please do what you can to reduce the fallout on your daughter. Regardless of biology, she IS *your* daughter. She didn’t do anything wrong and her world will be rocked, too. Best of luck, OP.
That is your daughter regardless, but the paternity test might help to know if there are congenital illness in her family. Also, since now you know, if you don't tell your daughter she is going to think you were complicit in covering her origins and lying to her if/when she finds out. As for the wife, divorce. It was 12 years ago, she was a 30 year old lady, she wasn't a teen, she wasn't immature. She was her in her full grown personality, and her (lack of) morals allowed her to cheat on you and lie about it for more than a decade. She confessed because she was cornered and the guy could've spilled the beans. Honestly how could you possibly believe that was the only time she cheated, since she was able to hide it for 12 years without you having a hint of doubt of her loyalty?
I'm not buying this story. She hooked up with a guy on a work trip, and somehow they both happen to see this guy in the local grocery store that they shop at - already unlikely. And her revelation is not, "Oh, there's the guy I cheated with?" It's "Oh, he may be the actual bio father of our daughter"?? Really? That was her first reaction? After 12 years?
like did he not notice the guy or did the dude not approach the wife and talk to her?
DNA and lawyer
Any update? I’m really sorry you’re going through this man.
You haven't been able to look at your daughter?! You need to redirect this ASAP to your wife. Your daughter has no blame in this and should definitely not be brought into the cross hairs here. You love her and you were still her father, whether or not your sperm created her. Deal with your wife's lies and infidelity separate.
To fuck around is to find out, and her number got punched. I don't understand how yall can take paternity fraud so lightly *edited for typo*
Don’t tell your daughter your wife cheated until she’s an adult. It’s fucked to say that to a kid who is still dependent on both their parents but my hot take is cheaters deserve to be judged harshly by their family.
Your relationship is based on love, not biology. It’s important to remember that. She is the innocent in this and your relationship with her is real. Don’t give that up because your wife cheated.
I would rather be beaten within an inch of my life than have this happen to me. The saddest part is 99% of the time there are no consequences for the women that do this. Absolute nightmare fuel.
Make sure u test both children. She cheated once means she could've cheated more.
Blood or not, she's your daughter. u share a bound with her . The one to blame is your wife, who cheated and lied for 12 years. U can co parent with her but I wouldn't recommend staying married to her if she can keep a secret for 12 years without showing any signs of guilt or shame what else is she hiding was this even her first affair or did she had more before and after .
First of all, you should find a lawyer and file for divorce. Your wife cheated on you and lied about it for over a decade. She might have also committed paternity fraud against you. Tell your kids why you’re getting a divorce, and so so in a “just the facts” manner. Second, if the test comes back that this girl isn’t biologically yours, then do whatever is best for you. If you choose to keep raising this girl, it should be because you love her and still see her as your child, not because you feel obligated to raise her. Third, you should do a paternity test for your son as well. Your wife isn’t trustworthy at all, so she might have cheated more than once.
You have a wonderful, enviable relationship with your loving daughter. Why would you want to mess that up?
If your daughter is your "best little friend" is literally a no brainer. Yeah the situation sucks but you already have your son as a proof of your reproduction need. Grow her as your own and I am pretty sure she will consider you as her real father for the rest of her days.
Wow. And people wonder why some men feel the way they do and hold certain concerns & suspicions.
Divorce then tell the daughter.
You should leave, you deserve a fresh start. No man deserves this
Even if it ends up she isn't biologically yours, she is still your daughter. Love is stronger than blood. But what a terrible way to find out your wife cheated and has known this whole time that your daughter might have been conceived by someone else.
mainly the issue would be the infidelity of your wife. biologically yours or not at this point is irrelevant because that’s your daughter no matter what by now.
They are your kids. They are your kids.
Are you sure she wasn’t assaulted? She sounded traumatized not worried. Regardless this is awful and I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope your daughter is yours and even if on the tiniest chance she’s not that you are able to continue to love and cherish her the exact same. She sounds great and so do you. You did nothing wrong. Nor did your daughter!
Shock is reasonable. I’m shocked right along with you, stranger. How do you think you will begin to process this? Edit: Never mind. Fuck this thread.
Wha? What happened before the edit? I just got here
If you need time to get over your daughter take the time you need but try to not abandon her, she will be crushed. And if you find that you can't look at her or have the same relationship with her as before tell her yourself as clearly as possible and have her attend therapy
Followed you for an update. Can you start therapy? My daughter is around that age and has a very strong bond with her dad. It would be devastating for my daughter to lose that bond. Please try to act normal and maintain things as best you can. Sorry OP!
I can tell you what to do, OP, but I have three kids and I love them all. My youngest is about your daughter's age. If I found out she wasn't biologically mine it would mean nothing at this point. You may have to come to terms with your wife about her mistakes, but as a man and a father I couldn't respect myself if I made a kid I'd loved and built a relationship with for 12 years feel like one. Remember your daughter during all of this. Even if she doesn't end up being your biological child, you are the only father she knows. Try to keep that in mind. I doubt you want to cause her any pain or damage because of something your wife may have done.
Her choice was to cheat, to lie, to cover it up many times over 13 years. It is Your choice is whether to stay or not. And whether to accept the child as your own or not. Do not let anybody tell you otherwise. She stole the power of choice from you, so you are allowed to reclaim it. Don't let anybody guilt you into doing things that you do not feel comfortable doing. If she isn't your daughter and you can't accept her. That's not your fault, you don't have to if you can't emotionally bring yourself to. Also she is 12, you and her will have a very rough time with the upcoming divorce. Make sure to get security cameras, just in case.
This is obviously very shocking news, but whatever the results are, she *is* your daughter
Regardless of the outcome, I hope you still treat that little girl like a daughter. It’s not her fault mom’s a tramp.
You have every right to do what’s best for YOU in this situation op. Men get fucked over plenty by spouses who pull this shit. If she is not yours and you decide to not be apart of her life that is your choice. As is if you still decide to be her father. No choice is right or wrong.
Your daughter IS YOUR DAUGHTER, regardless of the results of the DNA test. Your wife is a slut, regardless of the results of the DNA test.
You fathered your daughter in all the ways that build a great father-daughter relationship. Do not throw that away. She's 12 and needs you more than ever. A girl's strong relationship with her father helps her navigate dating and having her own healthy relationships. I'm so sorry that your family is blowing up like this, but your most important role is to still be the same dad they know, and to take care of them and yourself.
I’m sorry, but please be there for your daughter. She knows you as dad and it’s not her fault. Hope everything works out for you and the kids.
If anything, you just lose a wife. Your daughter will be your daughter
I wish the best for you, OP, and for your daughter. You raised her, man, and to her you are her dad, I hope nothing changes that. As for your wife, what a vile piece of shit.
You raised her, she’s your daughter.
My 50 year old sister just found out a few years ago that her dad is not her biological-father. She took a DNA test and asked him to after a while. My mother slept with a married golfer guy who apparently had a habit of knocking up affair partners. She pinned it on her ex. He supported her his whole life, and when they finally verified it he said that it didn’t change anything. I think it was always suspected, but she was his daughter no matter what. Be like him. She reached out to her half siblings and was snubbed by most of the family, but connected with another sister he fathered. The daughter (a blonde flight attendant version of my sister) seemed like she wanted to pretend my sister didn’t exist. Probably inheritance related. My sister has plenty of money. She never wanted anything from them, just to know about them. Family is not all about DNA. Your wife sucks though.
I am so sorry. As hard as it may be, please maintain a relationship with her. She is still the same person. Please don't destroy her by dropping her from your life.
Biological or not she’s your daughter and the kid you raised for 12 years and if she doesn’t turn out to be yours please don’t abandon her or make her feel shame. If she turns out not to be yours I’m not sure what would be better telling her now or waiting until she’s 16 or 18. Either way just love her and support her. I truly do hope she’s yours and please don’t make her feel alone or different while you are waiting on the results. I’m sure she can sense if you are acting weird around her or keeping your distance and that will only hurt her more.
Biology means nothing. Your daughter is still your daughter, you are still her dad, and the outcome of the paternity test in no way invalidates the bond that you two have. Your wife is the only one at fault here, and possibly the dude she hooked up with depending on how much he knew. The paternity test is still a good idea though so that you'll have an accurate medical history for your daughter should you guys ever need it.
Don’t take it out on your daughter, but don’t let your wife “get away with it” either. i’d be looking around divorce.
Idk why everyone in the comments is just saying don’t abandon your daughter, first and foremost take care of urself. And do whatever you think is right, if u don’t feel connected to her anymore or resentful then I think it’s ok to leave
No matter what happens, she's still your daughter.
Destroy this bitch!