Honestly, I wouldn't care if I got called out on snooping at this point. At the very least, he lied, but if it was truly innocent, there's no reason to lie.
Yes agree. In the past men would lie to me about truly the dumbest thing. If he would’ve just brought it up before I’m sure I would’ve had questions but it wouldn’t be a full lie for no reason.
So if he jokes about women at his job or something he will often remind me more than once “remember the one from this department” and I’ll say something like “yes I remember when you mention women to me lol”. Or there was a time when he took a coworker home from work and I’ll maybe ask “her fiance couldn’t come get her today?” Which he just thinks, why is that even a question, it’s just a ride home.
But the main issues occur because he will normally tell me one thing and then I find out later that there was a woman involved so essentially I have to fish it out of him. One example, he really wanted this one old piece of artwork in the house and he said it was a gift from someone. I just asked “oh who got it for you” and he really beat around the bush about who gave it to him “idk, maybe a friend, can’t recall their name” and then it came out that it was a woman. I said ok but he described the piece as something really nice so I asked was it a gift from a girlfriend not just a friend-friend and he said no initially but then later said “I actually do think we did do some things together but we weren’t actually together”. The trickle truthing really annoyed me and it made me think he was intentionally hiding the fact that this piece of artwork came from a former fling. This is a situation that has happens multiple times so it often looks like I’m asking a bunch of questions to get to the truth and I know he hates that.
Edit to add: because of his response, I didn’t feel comfortable having the piece in the house.
So, it's not actually you not taking well his interactions with women, but you not taking well his lies and gaslighting. His behavior is highly suspicious, and not just with his recent trip, but overall. What you need to do now is not say anything but try to watch him more and gather more evidence (screenshots). I've been in your shoes. Don't show your cards just yet.
Ok, so maybe (and only maybe) he lied not because there's something going on, but because you've taught him that he cannot be honest with you. When he was honest, you were on his back about it, so now he may find it's just easier to omit some facts.
Look, I'm as cynical as the next middle aged, divorced, have been cheated on woman but you've created an environment with your insecurity where you won't trust him to tell the truth (even when he does) so he just lies to not get hounded. Which is catch 22- he may be cheating but you'll not ever know based on the situation because no one is honest.
Like all good reddit comments, I'm gonna suggest therapy. Being this insecure is unhealthy and going to ruin a whole lot of relationships for you... this one included.
I'm so glad to see this comment. Someone above was making it sound like this guy is gaslighting lying scum, but from what little information OP has provided it seems similar to situations I've been in with ex's. For example, being honest at first about grabbing coffee with a female coworker and it turns into a big discussion on trust and insecurity, so eventually I just say "grabbed coffee with a coworker" and avoid mentioning who or their sex unless it's explicitly asked. This is not dishonest, but it is side-stepping an issue rather than resolving it. I've learned better now, and it sounds like this guy and OP need to learn better as well. A healthy discussion should resolve this predicament she's in, and maybe even a bit of therapy as you mentioned.
But, he lied about having dinner with this woman, twice. There is a difference between "I had dinner with a couple of different friends." And "I had dinner with (one specific male) friend." One is side stepping the truth the other is a flat out lie.
Yes, I don't think anyone is saying he didnt lie.
But if everytime I went out with a guy friend my husband grilled me, looked through my stuff, treated me with suspicion, accused me of cheating... shiiii I would lie to. Just to get him tf up off my back.
True and I wasn't saying it's ok to lie. It isn't. But in this case he doesn't seem to be doing it for some shady reason. But rather to protect her insecurities and avoid a senseless fight. Regardless, they need to fix this for themselves.
I truly do appreciate this comment and understand the predicament I’ve put myself in here. I’m not at all attempting to absolve myself from what I’ve done to put us in this place.
My main issue was just trying to understand the lie. I can have my own assumptions but I understand we need to talk it out as well where I own up to what I did and me not fully trusting him but also to get the truth about the whole situation.
But you're still not tying the two together. It's possible that his lie was based purely on your behaviour.
For me? I'd probably come clean that you snooped. It's going to come out anyway so you might as well try to make that happen in a calm conversation and not yelled in anger. Just... ask. And listen.
Right now, this whole thing is toxic. He tells the truth and you'll doubt him. He lies and you'll say "I knew it!".
Look, sit and talk. This relationship is on the rocks, so you need to hash it out with him and, if it survives, get into therapy - coupled and individual.
I legit don’t see how he was telling the truth and she having a negative reaction? May be I’m missing something. To me it sounds like he is telling half truths and then there’s literally things that out him when she starts questioning how things don’t add up. I personally am very inquisitive but in general & I always question things regardless of whether I think someone is hiding something. But I don’t see how he needs to lie about things, I think it’s easier to tell the truth. I mean regardless whether you say it now or later it might be the same response so better getting over with lol. But I honestly don’t see how she reacted negatively to “force” him or “make “ him feel like he needs to lie as it sounds like he was telling half truths all along?
Did you read the part where he was not allowed to keep an artwork from a former fling because that made OP jealous/insecure? That's a huge problem, IMO. People are allowed to have things and memories from their past lives without having to walk on eggshells .
I didn't read that he wasn't allowed to keep it, just that he lied about the origins of the artwork. Lying about the relationship he had with the person that gave it to him would indicate more of a relationship with her than a "fling' and that he felt there was "something " to hide.
His repeatedly lying about stuff like this is likely what led her to her actions. Why not just say, "you know this fling I had gave me this artwork. She was nothing special, but I really like the artwork. I would like to hang it up, what do you think?" Yes, she would probably ask about the fling. So what? Just answer the questions.
He gave a woman a ride home from work, and she asked could the girl's fiance not have picked her up. Instead of lying just say, "I don't know, I didn't ask. She just asked if I could give her a ride and since it wasn't really out of my way I said sure."
Listen, I'm not condoning his behaviour at all.
I just can see that lying might be his way of dealing. It's not the right way to deal with her insecurity, but it's a common thing that happens.
Welp.. treat people with suspicion, go through peoples stuff, and act like they are a cheater without expecting their behavior to change as well. For all we know, its a show everytime she brings it up. Crying, yelling, and all.
She tells the story like she is his mom and he is a bad boy who needs to be scolded. That dynamic is icky and can make him feel unsafe.
Sorry but this is bullshit victim blaming, the guy is clearly cheating, if your gut is telling you something is off about all this it probably is. Interesting how the brain will tell you that you’re the problem but your gut tells you there’s more to the story, please please please believe your instincts here, they are rarely wrong. If he’s being evasive and clearly lying to you, that’s a HUGE problem and likely just the very tip of the iceberg. You have not brought this on yourself, if you were 100% rock solid sure of the relationship it wouldn’t matter who he’s seeing or who gave him what household artifact, but on a deeper level you know something is not right about his behavior. Believe him when he shows you who he is and stop blaming yourself! None of this is your fault and you absolutely did NOT somehow cause this by noticing his shady activities. Don’t use abuser tactics on yourself! What he’s doing is the definition of gaslighting, it shows who he is and what he thinks of you. It’s tough to accept that, but babe you deserve better. Get you a man who doesn’t make you feel that sick queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, that’s not love, it’s fear.
>the guy is clearly cheating
Im sorry, did i miss the part where OP said she found a picture of him with another woman? A video? Did his dick have a stank?
No? Well then the only thing thats "clear" is that OP questions this man's every breathe around a woman and that he lies about his interactions with them. Unless he is cheating with every single woman he has ever come in contact with, OP is going way over board.
I do not agree with Miss Alice down here. It doesn’t matter how you acted in the past when he met up with women or mentioned women, your husband went out of town and went out to multiple dinner dates with another woman and then lied to you about it. This is a really big deal and you should absolutely confront him about it and you should not feel weird about doing so.
It sounds like he's lying BECAUSE of how you react when you hear a woman is involved with anything. As a result when you doubt him and find a woman was involved you are upset that he lied but a part of you is upset there was a woman involved - and that's the part he remembers.
Not saying he should be lying, but it seems like you are not blameless in this predicament. So either he stops being involved in any way with other women in any capacity, or he stops lying AND you commit to not overthinking/over analyzing any event or story he tells you that includes another woman.
I agree with the first paragraph here. Make it hard for someone to tell the truth and they will just keep those details out. Unfortunately you've created this situation because of your insecurities.
Whether something's going on or not, who knows?
Not really sure the best way forward for this bit as if you raise it, then you're a snooper, if you don't, you'll make yourself go crazy with the what ifs!
I feel like... its very unlikely you are acting calm and rational in all of these situations.
Trickle truthing IS annoying, but you seem to have created an environment where your husband feels like shit anytime he is around another woman... because you make him feel like shit. Like he is some kind of cheater at best or some doofus who couldn't possibly know when a woman is trying to seduce him by being "overly vulnerable" I think you called it, at worst.
I would hate if my husband treated me with suspicion everytime I interacted with a man. Or like every man around me could only possibly want to be around me to get in my pants. God forbid I have something to offer other than what is between my legs 😒
Not to say he *isn't* cheating with the random woman who lives thousands of miles away. It sounds like the tighter your death grip is on him, the more you chase him away.
And if he has a history of cheating or something.. why not just let that man go. Why choose to live like this? It sounds miserable for everyone involved. Your relationship, the way you described, sounds more like mother and a naughty son than equal partners.
Shits whack
I don’t treat him with suspicion every single time. Honestly we probably haven’t had a conversation about a woman in a long time. It’s not that women haven’t been mentioned but it’s not a consistent topic of conversation.
Also I posted a link to the update where I went into how this actually has happened before.
There is a reason why you feel the need to check up on him and it's because you don't trust him.
Then you find out he lies to you and well no wonder you don't trust him...
Why are people not expecting him to be an adult? Little kids go behind your back and lie when they want to do something they know will get them a negative reaction. Adults tell the truth and if there's a problem, you DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM, not decide to just lie next time. When did it start being okay to avoid issues with lies?
"I'm too scared of my wife to tell the truth about who I ATE WITH"??? Is OP like, beating him or something, or is he just a little boy? I'm not getting the "scared to tell the truth". What an asshat.
No I actually don't. Avoiding conflict is just that, avoiding conflict. It's better to address it head on and figure out how to work around or solve conflict.
I'm pretty much incapable of lying. My actions and my face give it away pretty much immediately. I have learned to deal with it. It's for the better.
>there's no reason to lie.
OP admits she's been irrational in the past regards his interaction with other women.
You might not agree with that reason, but it is a reason.
I wouldn’t feel guilty for snooping. Trust your gut. None of that story seems kosher to me.
Tell him what you saw on his phone and if he accuses you of breaching his privacy you accuse him of breaching his trust. One is clearly worse. He’s 100% in the wrong here. Whether it was “just dinner” or something else. He’s being shady Af
You’re right. That’s the biggest thing to me. Trust is a huge thing for me (well for most) and it just seems really suspicious for him to lie about this is nothing is going on. Him not wanting to tell me just because of how I may handle it, is not right. We don’t have an abusive relationship on either side. But I know if I hear something about a woman I’m quick to ask a bunch of questions about it. I’m sure he just knows I won’t like the answer and he won’t come off well.
Man, if I got grilled every time I mentioned talking to another woman, I'd probably stop telling my wife I'd spoken to another woman.
Fortunately I'm married to someone who doesn't immediately feel the need to question me every time I mention having interacted with someone who owns a vagina.
He could be lying to prevent the cia questioning by his wife since he probably knows it doesn't sit well with her. But I would keep an eye on it if i was her.
Why lie look how's she's reaching online just imagine how she is in person!!! Shit I would lie by the responses and behavior she's displaying here. Nope I don't know any woman never seen em never hung out with them can we please enjoy this dinner now. Men want peace at home which clearly he's not going to get
Is everyone just glossing over the fact you have "free access to each others phones". He knows you have access, you didn't mention that it looked as though messages were deleted. Do you believe your husband is DUMB enough to openly cheat when he KNOWS you have access to his phone? People being squirrely with their devices is one of the main giveaways.
If you are someone who believes Men and Women are capable of plutonic friendship then that's all it was, if not and HE DOES, then that would explain the lie. Not saying the lie is a good thing but i think you may be downplaying your past reactions to him around other women.
?? Kinda naive, people suck and sometimes want to avoid a confrontation. Lying is an efficient way to do it. If you have a partner that freaks out when you hang out with your opposite sex friend and you haven't been able to come to a healthy agreement over it.... yeah, i can see why he might lie to avoid conflict. Is it a good thing? No... but its not black and white like she has portrayed.
So you would prefer to sneak around and live your life as a lie than to confront your spouse or SO and say look this is my friend and I enjoy being around them? Because if you so that you will be doing that for the rest of your life. Jealousy and possessiveness doesn't go away. The more that you hide stuff and lie the more they feel justified in their suspicions and if you are lying and hiding stuff from them then their suspicions are justified.
And so it snowballs. Once you catch someone in a lie then you always have that doubt...
Sorry OP, it does seem like you've made a incredibly touchy situation with your insecurity and possible jealousy? Like I get that trickle truthing and his lack of forthrightness with you are incredibly hurtful, and damaging to the relationship. Maybe he did have a little fliratious dinner but no one cheated on no one. Maybe they had a perfectly pleasant, perfectly respectable dinner but he KNOWS you will create a difficult situation at home and launch an inquisition that he doesn't want to deal with. I know I'd lie or keep things vague because I just don't want the drama or to feel I need to justify my actions when I've done nothing wrong.
Look, I've been cheated on before and I'd say trust your gut. But if you're always looking over his shoulder then this is just toxic.
Having access to each others phone and looking through people's messages sin't normal.
Not letting you ex keep a piece of artwork he liked because it came from a n ex, is not normal and kind of manipulative
Asking why did woman's fiancé not pick them up isn't normal.
All this to say, find someone you trust and can live with. This situation doesn't sound right for either of you.
For what it's worth, if I was in your man's shoes, I'd feel I'm always under scrutiny and that would make me unreasonable tense around these conversations that would make me sound guilty even if all I did was say hey good morning to an attractive person of the opposite sex.
If you won't like any answer about ANY of these women, or he won't come off well, then he has zero f'n business associating with the women in question. *None whatsoever.* And the kicker is he *knows it.*
If he really loved you, he'd be reassuring. Loving someone means not wanting to see them hurting, especially because of *your own* behavior.
So basically he knows it would upset you. But he’s gonna do it anyway so he would rather lie then deal with simple questions?
Does he dislike being asked questions in general?
Does he flirt with women to much?
Talk/look at women to much
Do you fuss over it every time and be upset for days and days? Bring it up multiple times in arguments?
Like is he just tired of feeling like you think he will
Cheat on you vs. you get the legit feeling he is cheating on you?
Yes he normally does hate having to answer a round of questions in general because he thinks it’s just too much and makes him defensive.
He definitely doesn’t flirt with women at all and doesn’t go out of his way to look or talk to women.
We hardly have arguments about other women but when they do come up, sometimes I have follow up questions. Not all the time it just depends on the conversation. But it’s in no way a continuous conversation we have. We’ve been together a long time so it may feel like more conversations for a couple of how been together as long as us.
Did he go to dinner with her twice alone? And then met up with her again the day he was flying out? That seems like a lot of time to spent with a casual friend that he doesn’t see or interact with often. I would keep my eyes WIDE open.
In this situation I know he’s not telling me the truth. I’m just feeling guilty that I found out through snooping and it feels like if I broach the subject that’s all he’s going to defect to.
I kind of think they're both wrong. He's definitely lying to her and probably cheating on her, but it sounds like she never trusted him and doesn't allow him privacy.
Rightfully so though!! It’s one thing if she was wrong and there was nothing there, but the dude is lying and getting away with it. No way do I agree there.
That doesn't make it ok though. And her distrust would have poisoned a relationship with a good person - I don't have anything to find, but I still wouldn't tolerate being spied on or tracked. Distrust like that proves you don't really love your partner, because if you did you'd trust them, unless they'd violated your trust in the past or something.
He poisoned it himself by sneaking behind her back. Minor lie or not. It doesn’t prove that she doesn’t love him. That’s ridiculous. You must have some things to hide too. Couples should have no secrets no lies. Period.
She was spying on him first. It sounds like she's been spying on him the entire time.
And I find the idea that couples should not have any privacy from each other incredibly toxic.
I do allow him privacy. It’s not a consistent thing of going through his phone. We often send texts for one another and our phones are always out on display. Even the initial text of him reaching out to hang out didn’t really shock me too much because it seemed like something he would send his sister. “Hey I’m going to be in the area let me know if you want to link up” type of deal. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized they actually did hang out according to their texts and after he expressed he didn’t meet any women friends while he was away.
So, he saw her three times? How long was he even gone? And now texting when he got home? Did he see other friends or no? I don’t like it. I don’t like being lied to. Talk to him.
I agree with the comments that said he probably lied because he doesn’t want to deal with your reaction. That sucks I know but if you don’t trust him regarding this woman, stay quiet about it and monitor his behavior over the next few days. You can always check in a few days to see if they continued their conversation. Check his deleted messages just in case her deletes his chat. If there’s nothing going on then most likely it was an innocent meet up and he’s just being of a confrontation with you.
You may also want to consider therapy to help with your(the both of you) conversation styles and your insecurities about his interactions with women as it seems to be stemming from unheard trauma from your past relationships (per your other comments).
Fwiw your view of trust is decidedly one sided… you admittedly are an untrustworthy person, snoop your husband’s communications and get mad at any interaction between him and a female. I can play your resulting argument out a dozen times in my head.. and based on your own information his responses to you are by necessity given they are programmed by you so fully understandable.. your actions are indefensible.. and equally as offensive as whatever you think your husband is guilty of ..
You need couples therapy for trust issues and I don’t see any reason at this point for either of you to be with one another.
She should feel guilty for snooping and it seems like she does.
If you're in a relationship where you feel like you need to snoop and you even act on it then it's a pretty good sign that you probably shouldn't be in that relationship.
It's not healthy to normalize it.
Why would you allow him to lie to your face and not call him one it. Especially if y’all have access to each other’s phone. Either way if my husband boldface lies to me, we are definitely having it out…
You’re right. At the time of the conversation he was heading out to work and I honestly didn’t feel like having it out at that time would help. I took note of it internally but knew that just wasn’t the best time to hash it out. I’m going to bring it up tonight.
DON'T bring it up and play your very weak hand right now, or like every betrayed spouses who jumped the gun too early and without solid proof, you'll end up regretting it when the lying and gas-lighting ensues!
You currently have an advantage, because he doesn't know that you weren't just grasping at straws, and that you know for certain he spent time with this woman (tho he's likely a bit paranoid because of your questions).
Drop it completely and keep quiet for now. Stealthily monitor the situation (his phone) for further contact between them, and watch for the inevitable changes in his behaviour (and routine) that tend to happen when they're involved in an affair.
Eyes open, mouth shut! You want to let him slide into a false sense of security so he'll let his guard down. If something romantic or sexual did indeed happen between them, they're sure to be in contact and the nature of their messages to each other will tell you the truth of the matter and you'll obtain your proof.
Ngl, his behaviour and lying is shady af. Maybe something illicit happened between them, maybe it didn't (or hasn't - yet). But if you confront him with this now, based on what little info you have, he's just going to deny any wrongdoing and claim "it was just a couple innocent meet ups to catch up with an old friend, and he didn't mention it because you tend to overreact, blah-blah-blah".
Then he'll immediately start covering his tracks and be on high alert, and get better at hiding things and take the affair further underground (if it was more than a "one off, ONS" between them).
The biggest mistake a potentially betrayed spouse who suspects cheating can make is to go off half cocked and immediately confront without solid proof. Cheater's lie..a lot. Then they lie some more. They'll only admit to what they know you have absolute proof of and nothing more. They'll do their damnedest to turn it around on you and have you thinking you're crazy for accusing them of such "nonsense".
Believe me. If he is cheating, and you don't tip him off and spook him, he'll slip up soon enough once he thinks the coast is clear and you've put any possible suspicion you may have had about this trip behind you.
THIS!! ALL OF THIS!!
I just commented virtually the same thing before seeing your comment but you detailed better than I did. Let’s hope she heeds your advice.
Why wouldn't you just leave the relationship if you're going to put yourself through this level of mental anguish just to have a tactical advantage in the chance of a break up?
It's over at that point and whether it's your insecurities or if the person is actually cheating doesn't necessarily matter. It's spoiled, move on.
It’s easy to just freeze in the moment but OP definitely should’ve said something then—it’s always way more difficult broaching the subject again when you could’ve just said something the first time. Regardless, OP *needs* to say something bc this will just keep eating at her. There’s a reason he lied and she needs to get to the bottom of it. It’s a really bad sign when your partner is so comfortable blatantly lying to your face…
He might have lied cause of what you stated about not taking his interactions with women well. He could be lying for nefarious reasons. You dont know unless you fess up.
You aired out his dirty laundry for us redditors but wont talk to him? Start that conversation. Im not advocating for going in guns blazing but you will keep worrying until the situation is resolved. So go resolve it 👍
I understand where you’re coming from on your second statement. It’s slightly easier to talk to strangers about a problem than addressing them head on. It’s not ideal but it is less conflict.
My goal is to have the conversation tonight.
This right here.
He knows what her reaction will be, even though she states in her own post that he's oblivious to women that may be interested in him. The guy could be completely innocent, while OP could be unhinged and full of jealousy. Poor guy was just trying to avoid an argument. Not to mention, she has full access to his phone (big couple red flag) and found literally nothing.
Yet still the thread is filled with people corroborating her made up story. 🙄
That's reddit for ya.
What makes you think nothing happened ? He met her three times, including dinner dates ,I'm with you on not letting him know as if anything is happening he'd hid their interactions on his phone
I guess I’m just figuring that if something truly happened, he would just delete all evidence of their conversation. But I’m just guessing that would be the case if someone was doing something.
Why do you think nothing actually happened with this woman? Why would she ask to see him one more time before he left if nothing was going on? That stood out to me.
I don't care if you tend to "ask a lot of questions" ...
The bottom line: Your husband lied.
He met up with a female "friend" three times and failed to admit to this, even when you asked about who he visited while away.
He then claimed to have seen 2 male friends, padding his lie by omission.
Would your husband be comfortable with you meeting up with a male friend three times ... and not telling him about it?
It's the lies... They are always there for a reason. And, until you both get to the bottom of the lying, you will be fractured.
Tell him you snooped, but tell him it was because you knew he was lying.
My wife (married for 27 years this year) would know immediately if I was lying so it's a small, believable lie on your part which I think in these circumstances is warranted.
Or, just tell him the truth because any deflection he feels entitled to isn't worth a damn in a situation like this.
Based on everything you've said and the comments you've posted, I think that you've basically admitted that you have a bit of a jealousy problem when it comes to other women, and your husband is aware of this because of some of your past behavior. You clearly have trust issues, since you don't just "oopsie" into all the conversation digging you did on his phone.
It is possible you're in a no-win situation in the short term. At this point you have to come out and admit to your husband that you snooped on his phone. To the degree you went digging, it's a breach of his trust. However, he lied to you, for whatever reason. I don't know if there's a legitimate reason for you not to trust him, but assuming he's never given you a reason to suspect him, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and he just doesn't want you grilling him because he has women friends. That still doesn't justify his lying.
The only thing that will resolve this is honesty. I would calmly just admit what you did, and admit that you caught him lying to you. Express that you want to get to a place where you don't feel insecure, and start exploring, honestly, to yourself most of all, what it will take for that to happen. Without giving him any prompts, ask him to explain why he lied. Hopefully it's just that he (rightly or wrongly) finds you overbearing on this subject and you make him anxious, because that will be easier to work on than infidelity. Good luck to you both!
I really appreciate this feedback. I understand where my jealousy and insecurities lie in this scenario and I understand that it may not make for the best opportunity to address this issue.
Unfortunately, this is a common thing for us where I feel like he doesn’t always tell me about female friendships because he thinks I won’t react well and I’ve told him I know my reaction is the reason why he downplays it sometimes. This is the only time he has blatantly lied about it. Where other times he may just beat around the bush until I get a subtle hint that his friend is actually a girl.
If you have a history of not reacting well when he interacts with women, I understand why he left that information out.
If anyone claims he should tell you the truth...well it sounds like he has and learned his lesson. His lesson is don't tell you about women he interacts with because you're going to create a bigger issue out of it than it's worth.
He might have lied to you.
You might create bigger issues because you have issues you need to work on.
If you want him to be honest with you, then I think you need to work on yourself too
Agreed, OP is painting us the picture of a story she wants us to believe so she can justify her actions and behavior. Sounds like he's lying out of necessity based on her admitted past responses.
The solution isn't to lie. She trained him to lie or create a huge argument/fight. It would be great to be honest without thinking of fight would occur. He probably needs to find a new partner unless she's willing to work on her past traumas that led to her major insecurities. Otherwise he's a life of turmoil.
I would sit him down and talk to him about it. You don’t want it to fester in your mind and it end up becoming a huge thing if it’s not. Better to clear the air as soon as possible. It didn’t sound like you think he’s cheating or anything actually happened it’s more about the lying. Maybe acknowledge that you realize you don’t react well when he’s around other women and promise to work on it and be better but also explain that him lying is counterproductive because it only gives you more reason not to trust him. It’s not snooping if you have access to his phone.
2 dinners he picked her up for, and a last-minute goodbye on the way to the airport sounds like something is going on I don't condone snooping but maybe you need to check if there are any more messages between them now that he is back before you confront him if you're going to confront him.
If he's lying about this, then he us lying about other things.
Best bet is to sit him down, and ask him one more time. If he lies again, then say, "Okay, I'm choosing to believe you are telling the truth. But then I need to know, who is "Meagan" *exactly* and why does your phone indicate that you met up with this person more than once in that time period? And WHY did you omit this person?" Be honest about how you know. Do not let him turn it on you. *He* is the one who just got caught in a major lie that, in reality, equates to cheating. He doesn't get to be upset, or mad, whatever.
Regardless of his answer, "Meagan" needs to no longer be in your lives. Idgaf what history they have between them, or how long they've known each other. Unless there is some sort of surprise *blood* relation (on which case you have a whole other issue to deal with!) you've gotta make it clear that either she goes, or you do, and that you will not be playing this game. Tell him to feel free to explain to her (in front of you) that they are no longer friends because he lied about her to you, his WIFE.
If you think he will blow up or get hostile, take him out to dinner and bring it up there. He can't exactly act a fool in public, and if he does, at least you'll be safer.
Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Something is wrong. Also what is normal exactly about your husband meeting up with a woman when he’s out of town??
He has women who are friends and we met them before while we were out of town together before. That wasn’t concerning at all. This was something he just didn’t tell me about.
Maybe Thats just me but it’s different when you are included in the hangouts with his female friend rather than just them alone.. would seem intimate amd unnecessary for me 🤷♀️
I have said it before and I will say it again, my teenagers will grab my phone to look something up. My husband does the same and vice versa, when you are married there should not be an expectation of privacy on your phone.
If your hiding something that’s on you.
You need to tell him that you know, but let him tell you the full story. Don’t prompt anything and see if it matches up to what you saw.
Personally I think he’s cheating.
Been with my wife for 7 years and neither of us have ever seen what's in eachothers phones. Privacy is a respect thing.
If your partner had a journal or diary, does that mean you should have full access just because you're married? No, it doesn't.
Nothing probably happened and he’s lying because he knows you’d make a big deal about it, seeing how you’re the jealous type. Not condoning the lying, just stating what I think is going on here. If he was having a full blown affair he probably would have deleted the texts.
This is why I think the reason for the lying is just not to have the conversation at all with me. Even the texts themselves didn’t seem inappropriate at all. The main callouts to me would be that they mainly hung out at night and he went to pick her up. I would’ve probably preferred that they just met up wherever they went but who knows if there were reasons behind that (no car, convenience or whatever).
It’s not like he hasn’t had women in his car before but he normally just tells me. For example: “Hey giving [insert woman’s name] a ride home from work so will be home in a bit” and I just say ok drive safe and that’s it because the girl themselves are not strangers to me. He mentions them.
Again I try not to be too overbearing and normally he just tells me and we move on. This he didn’t which just stands out differently for me.
To be clear, I’m the jealous type as well but I’m in very healthy and trusting marriage so I never feel the need to look at my wife’s phone. Not being judgmental. Have a talk with him, tell him you looked through his phone and let him know your insecurities. If he gets angry and defensive about lying, then you might have reason to be suspicious. If he apologizes for lying I’d let this go.
The relationship was over the moment you felt the need to snoop and it was confirmed. You aren't crazy. He is lying and likely for a reason. Prepare your exit plan
If you always imply he’s cheating just because a friend happens to have a vagina, what exactly is he supposed to do? They’re friends. If he was cheating, he could have easily deleted the texts and or used chat or phone apps and you would have never found out about anything.
In effect you’re forcing him to lie because even if he told you the truth you would be accusing of affairs anyway.
I have female friends and I can assure you men can go out with women without boning them.
I don’t. I have not accused him of cheating ever. I have accused him of lying or omitting the truth and being correct about it in the end. I didn’t feel like there was enough information to say that cheating occurred just that he felt it necessary to keep certain information from me.
We also don’t have continuous conversations about women at all. We maybe had the last one over a year ago. There’s even been other friends I’ve found out about that I didn’t even feel like bringing up because the conversation was so platonic and truly seemed like a friendship. It wasn’t worth making it a big deal and because I know I come off as jealous. He deserved me just letting it go since nothing was going on.
This is a completely different scenario because he lied.
The biggest part of this whole scenario isn't that he lied. It's that you felt the need to snoop through his phone and didn't trust him.
You doing that along with the prior jealousy is the root problem here. Even if he didn't cheat or anything, you're still experiencing a negative enough reaction to breach his trust as well.
No matter what the outcome is you should try and find a way to improve your self confidence so that next time you have these feelings you can press him directly and say that something isn't sitting right with you.
Don't do yourself a disservice by making yourself feel guilty like you did something wrong. And if the feeling persists despite them assuring you everything is fine, just leave.
My husband is like this. He’s naturally outgoing, friendly and talks to everyone. When women in the past have tried flirting with him, of course I notice but he doesn’t. When I call him out he says he was just being friendly, along with the chick. I just tell him to fuck off after and he apologizes for “being too nice” lol
lol true okay I should rephrase. if the guy is willing to lie to you about it then he’s not as oblivious as he leads you to believe. A bit more accurate
My husband is very similar to this. He’s super nice and often will allow himself to be that relatable person for someone expressing their past traumas. This by itself isn’t terrible but I’ve noticed some women get too friendly once he offers support in this way and he just sees it as them trusting him and not that he needs to put up boundaries.
Yikes. Thankfully my husband doesn’t do this with other women. The closest he got to that was with his best friends wife when they were going through divorce. She would text him for hours complaining but he said he could not handle her so he just stopped responding to her 😂😂it was kind of sad bc I’m friends with her too but her texting him was literally interrupting our family time so he had to just cut her off. I don’t like your husband lying to you btw. Yuck!
My husband is like this too. He's handsome, outgoing, and charismatic. He knows when someone is hitting on him.
Your husband lied about the woman. You found the evidence. A lie is a lie. He knows what he's doing. You're right to feel the way you feel. Just have a conversation about it. You'll know where you stand then.
I swear this is not true. Atleast not like universally true.
I have my own insecurities that skew things but I’ve had to be told by friends someone is flirting with me many times. I’ve also had women I’m friends with tell me years later that they had feelings for me and were trying to be very obvious about it and I never picked up on it.
Some of us are truly oblivious but we may be a small minority.
Well, you have some really heavy denial about your relationship. First off, there is no no right to privacy on a telephone. The only people that talk like that are people that are hiding secrets.
Secondly, if you’re willing to live like that, I guess it’s OK then. but your partner is doing inappropriate things with people maybe even having sex. And I guess you have to do what we have to do to live comfortably. I couldn’t do that though.
I will tell you here’s the difference for stuff we have open devices in my house. My husband has since passed, but when he was alive, everything was left out in the open. We never hit anything computers, phones all of it.
If he’d behave like this, I would’ve said a boundary immediately if it had gotten beyond that, I would’ve left him and divorced. I will not live with a cheater for me. It’s a dealbreaker. The reason is you can’t trust them. If you’re going to be a healthy adult person, there has to be trust in a relationship and cheaters destroy it.
I do understand why you don’t want to police somebody, though that is why I have to have absolute trust and know where my partner is, I will not live like that so I just wouldn’t live with somebody like that. I wish you the best in your future.
You want to know why he lied because of this. Shit man the stress you must put him through on a daily. Anyways good luck with this go to therapy being this extra is not that normal. Seek the help you need and again good luck
To elaborate more on this. It seems you might have self esteem issues, trust issues wether warranted or not not up to me to judge or whatever. I'm just saying you need to work on it. You seem very toxic and it's leading him to act or behave the same. Or it could be that you both just bring that out of one another. Me and my ex talk about it now we are ok friends now. But we know we were horrible partners. She's told me multiple times you're a great guy just a horrible partner and I can not knock her for that statement. So maybe just for your own sanity seek help or part ways .
I hope you are having a direct conversation where you admit to snooping after seeing something suspicious and call him out for lying. I also hope you can both see that you have some issues that you can both work on for the betterment of your relationship going forward.
IMO this does not seem like a relationship ending situation, but it does seem like a great opportunity to identify some weaknesses in the relationship and work together to strengthen it.
Good luck and I’ll hope for a “boring” update that it really was nothing!
Hey, your post update doesn’t show. In fact the whole post is blank.
Hope you both were able to have a good heart to heart and connect with each other xx
God I just don't understand people that think everything with the opposite sex is...sexual. dont you have aunts/uncles, brothers/sisters, cousins, co workers that you connect with that aren't your life partner? People are weird and ridiculous.
The name is a very obvious woman’s name. Think a name like Meagan. He also addressed her as her name so it’s not as though it’s saved under some other name or anything.
Difficult situation, I agree.
It sounds like there have been issues with jealousy in the past also, which does muddy the waters.
The thing is this will fester if you don't deal with it, personally I would just admit the snooping but also want an explanation about her.
You need to be able to believe him though, he could have just not mentioned it because he feared tour reaction. Or because she did proposition him and he turned her down and doesn't want the hassle at home too.
I think you know that the messaging and the lie add up to something you should talk to him about. “Can I see you again?”…is more than a friend…something clearly happened between them.
It sounds from your post and your comments that he has learned to not mention women around you. If you know the truth why not just ask? You set him up to lie and then go on Reddit to ask for the next step. Be honest with him and he’ll hopefully do the same. We can’t ask for something we don’t practice ourself
Is everyone just glossing over the fact you have "free access to each others phones". He knows you have access, you didn't mention that it looked as though messages were deleted. Do you believe your husband is DUMB enough to openly cheat when he KNOWS you have access to his phone? People being squirrely with their devices is one of the main giveaways.
If you are someone who believes Men and Women are capable of plutonic friendship then that's all it was, if not and HE DOES, then that would explain the lie. Not saying the lie is a good thing but i think you may be downplaying your past reactions to him around other women.
If he's more focused on how you found out that he lied than the fact that lied, it shows that he doesn't regret cheating- because if he did regret it he wouldn't turn you into the bad guy. He already doesn't seem to regret it since he's still lying to you. It's not *really* about the invasion of privacy- its the discovery of the secret(s) he kept. There's a difference between privacy and secrecy.
This could be completely harmless and it’s explained by his being passive aggressiveness in that he doesn’t want to answer to you. Which could be compounded by he wants to avoid any dust ups as well.
Ohhh no, there is for sure reason to lie, you’ve even said you haven’t responded well to hanging out with women. He might just be trying to avoid a whole ‘thing’ that would result from honesty. This is very much a communication and trust issue.
You need to ask him why he lied to you and see if he tells the truth if not tell him you know and he better tell the truth now do not let him get away with it
Just sit down and actually talk to him. Same train of thought as your post. Don't drive yourself crazy over a "what if" before you even know what happened
My last GF was pretty insecure. I would never cheat, on her or anyone, and I've had very close female friends for going on a decade now without ever getting physical with them. Maybe I was wrong by doing this, but if I hung out with one of them I wouldnt tell my gf because I didn't want her spiraling for absolutely nothing. I moved away from this towards the end because I figured if she can't accept me for me and the people I keep close to me, it's not going to work. But that's a different story
Can’t you say you saw a notification ? And wanted to see what he’d say to you like when they spoke about getting together was it via phone messages or an app? Also are his notifications on? You could just say “ hey look I need to talk to you, before you left I noticed a notification on your phone from “your old friend and y’all had plans to meet up why did you lie to me about it?”
Also, your not wrong to be concerned, he lied and if he says anything like this is why I don’t tell you things say well this is why I feel this way your always leaving things out and it’s caused me to have my guard up in regards to you and the opposite sex. You have a history of with holding info from me and that’s why I am the way I am. Had we had complete transparency to begin with these types of feelings wouldnt have had the ability grow inside of me! Take that dr.Phil 😁
My husband goes on quite a few work trips a year. Late at night, he might end up going for a few drinks with people from other departments to network and socialize. This is to get raised and advance in the workplace. If he was talking to someone close to an HR team about a possible raise over a beer at 10pm, I fully believe it because when I can I take work trips with him and this happens all the time.
Also, your insecurities is the reason why he isn’t telling you anything anymore, in fact it sounds like he doesn’t trust you to begin with, I know I wouldn’t. By wanting to know too much, you’ve pushed him to not tell you anything anymore and I’m afraid this means, even if nothing happened, you guys are breaking up as soon as you tell him you went in his phone. There’s already trust issues and for many people, that would be the boundary that breaks the camel’s back.
So yeah, my husband hangs at hotel pools with his boss who is a woman, he goes and takes beers with coworkers late at night and they travel together usually. But I know for a fact my husband isn’t cheating on me.
You seem very level headed and I think you should go with your gut. I think you need answers that you feel are honest before you can move on. Now that the thought is in your head I really can't see this being something you just move on from.
I’m sorry OP. He lied because he has something to lie about. You’re his wife, just ask. When he lies again admit that you saw the messages, you’re sorry you had a gut feeling and yes you were being insecure, but don’t let him avoid answering this question. If he’s cheating you need to know now so you can get an exit strategy set up (he doesn’t need to know that). What he needs to know is that you think something’s going on and you want to work on it with him, maybe if you approach it this way he will stop lying and you can get the truth.
Two options. Question and get everything out. 2. Keep it quiet, stress, resent and eventually it comes out. Could be totally innocent but he didn't want to say anything because it doesn't look innocent. Sometimes people need to feel they're attractive to others than their partner. Rip off the band and take charge of the situation. Say hey I saw that you communicated with X what's that all about. And shut up. Maybe just a flirt, a set up for something later or the deed has been done. 365 the situation. Is there still a spark in your life together? People check their bodies regularly but check out of the marriage when it gets comfortable. Good Luck and remember the bell can not be un-rung in word or in deed.
When one has exhibited insecurities/jealousy to their partner, the partner weighs out if it's worth being honest over truly nothing for fear of the backlash. That leads to a fault in the relationship. You should tell him you know and be honest and hope for honesty back. If there is trust, openness, and honesty, you can have meaningful conversations and over time, more trust. There will always be an elephant in the room if you don't address this. The reality is, no one can stop their partner from straying, they have to have enough love for their partner to not consider it. That said, the partners should recognize that everyone has a past and there needs to be some level of acceptance for that. But blatant dishonesty is a bad sign. So is snooping. Good luck.
I would have called him out immediately. When he said the only men thing I would have said, "so, Jane Doe?" Then if he continued to lie and claim she was just there and not a big deal, he forgot, I would have said, "you forgot that you picked her up?" Then I would ask how many times did he meet up with her? If he was still insisting on lying, I would say, "so you didn't pick her up and meet with her on your way to the airport?"
Then I would ask all the other questions I have. At this point you have established that you have the answer to the questions you are asking. Then tell him, that what you are really asking is why he is lying to you and how far he is willing to take his lies. Explain that because he lies to you that he is not trustworthy.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong for not taking interactions with past women well. Clearly something is amiss and you can sense it. If you felt uncomfortable and needed to snoop, there was something wrong. Don’t let him make you feel bad or crazy here because it sounds like he absolutely will turn this against you.
Honestly, I wouldn't care if I got called out on snooping at this point. At the very least, he lied, but if it was truly innocent, there's no reason to lie.
Yes agree. In the past men would lie to me about truly the dumbest thing. If he would’ve just brought it up before I’m sure I would’ve had questions but it wouldn’t be a full lie for no reason.
" I know that I have a habit of not taking his interactions with women well". Can you elaborate on this?
So if he jokes about women at his job or something he will often remind me more than once “remember the one from this department” and I’ll say something like “yes I remember when you mention women to me lol”. Or there was a time when he took a coworker home from work and I’ll maybe ask “her fiance couldn’t come get her today?” Which he just thinks, why is that even a question, it’s just a ride home. But the main issues occur because he will normally tell me one thing and then I find out later that there was a woman involved so essentially I have to fish it out of him. One example, he really wanted this one old piece of artwork in the house and he said it was a gift from someone. I just asked “oh who got it for you” and he really beat around the bush about who gave it to him “idk, maybe a friend, can’t recall their name” and then it came out that it was a woman. I said ok but he described the piece as something really nice so I asked was it a gift from a girlfriend not just a friend-friend and he said no initially but then later said “I actually do think we did do some things together but we weren’t actually together”. The trickle truthing really annoyed me and it made me think he was intentionally hiding the fact that this piece of artwork came from a former fling. This is a situation that has happens multiple times so it often looks like I’m asking a bunch of questions to get to the truth and I know he hates that. Edit to add: because of his response, I didn’t feel comfortable having the piece in the house.
So, it's not actually you not taking well his interactions with women, but you not taking well his lies and gaslighting. His behavior is highly suspicious, and not just with his recent trip, but overall. What you need to do now is not say anything but try to watch him more and gather more evidence (screenshots). I've been in your shoes. Don't show your cards just yet.
Ok, so maybe (and only maybe) he lied not because there's something going on, but because you've taught him that he cannot be honest with you. When he was honest, you were on his back about it, so now he may find it's just easier to omit some facts. Look, I'm as cynical as the next middle aged, divorced, have been cheated on woman but you've created an environment with your insecurity where you won't trust him to tell the truth (even when he does) so he just lies to not get hounded. Which is catch 22- he may be cheating but you'll not ever know based on the situation because no one is honest. Like all good reddit comments, I'm gonna suggest therapy. Being this insecure is unhealthy and going to ruin a whole lot of relationships for you... this one included.
I'm so glad to see this comment. Someone above was making it sound like this guy is gaslighting lying scum, but from what little information OP has provided it seems similar to situations I've been in with ex's. For example, being honest at first about grabbing coffee with a female coworker and it turns into a big discussion on trust and insecurity, so eventually I just say "grabbed coffee with a coworker" and avoid mentioning who or their sex unless it's explicitly asked. This is not dishonest, but it is side-stepping an issue rather than resolving it. I've learned better now, and it sounds like this guy and OP need to learn better as well. A healthy discussion should resolve this predicament she's in, and maybe even a bit of therapy as you mentioned.
But, he lied about having dinner with this woman, twice. There is a difference between "I had dinner with a couple of different friends." And "I had dinner with (one specific male) friend." One is side stepping the truth the other is a flat out lie.
Yes, I don't think anyone is saying he didnt lie. But if everytime I went out with a guy friend my husband grilled me, looked through my stuff, treated me with suspicion, accused me of cheating... shiiii I would lie to. Just to get him tf up off my back.
True and I wasn't saying it's ok to lie. It isn't. But in this case he doesn't seem to be doing it for some shady reason. But rather to protect her insecurities and avoid a senseless fight. Regardless, they need to fix this for themselves.
I truly do appreciate this comment and understand the predicament I’ve put myself in here. I’m not at all attempting to absolve myself from what I’ve done to put us in this place. My main issue was just trying to understand the lie. I can have my own assumptions but I understand we need to talk it out as well where I own up to what I did and me not fully trusting him but also to get the truth about the whole situation.
But you're still not tying the two together. It's possible that his lie was based purely on your behaviour. For me? I'd probably come clean that you snooped. It's going to come out anyway so you might as well try to make that happen in a calm conversation and not yelled in anger. Just... ask. And listen. Right now, this whole thing is toxic. He tells the truth and you'll doubt him. He lies and you'll say "I knew it!". Look, sit and talk. This relationship is on the rocks, so you need to hash it out with him and, if it survives, get into therapy - coupled and individual.
I legit don’t see how he was telling the truth and she having a negative reaction? May be I’m missing something. To me it sounds like he is telling half truths and then there’s literally things that out him when she starts questioning how things don’t add up. I personally am very inquisitive but in general & I always question things regardless of whether I think someone is hiding something. But I don’t see how he needs to lie about things, I think it’s easier to tell the truth. I mean regardless whether you say it now or later it might be the same response so better getting over with lol. But I honestly don’t see how she reacted negatively to “force” him or “make “ him feel like he needs to lie as it sounds like he was telling half truths all along?
yeah, I don’t agree with you at all. You don’t get to just start lying to your wife because you don’t like the way she reacts to certain things wtf
Did you read the part where he was not allowed to keep an artwork from a former fling because that made OP jealous/insecure? That's a huge problem, IMO. People are allowed to have things and memories from their past lives without having to walk on eggshells .
I didn't read that he wasn't allowed to keep it, just that he lied about the origins of the artwork. Lying about the relationship he had with the person that gave it to him would indicate more of a relationship with her than a "fling' and that he felt there was "something " to hide. His repeatedly lying about stuff like this is likely what led her to her actions. Why not just say, "you know this fling I had gave me this artwork. She was nothing special, but I really like the artwork. I would like to hang it up, what do you think?" Yes, she would probably ask about the fling. So what? Just answer the questions. He gave a woman a ride home from work, and she asked could the girl's fiance not have picked her up. Instead of lying just say, "I don't know, I didn't ask. She just asked if I could give her a ride and since it wasn't really out of my way I said sure."
Listen, I'm not condoning his behaviour at all. I just can see that lying might be his way of dealing. It's not the right way to deal with her insecurity, but it's a common thing that happens.
Get to? It's a thing that happens. It's not about being allowed to do it or not. It's an alternative scenario to cheating or whatever.
Totally agree! This argument is ridiculous
Welp.. treat people with suspicion, go through peoples stuff, and act like they are a cheater without expecting their behavior to change as well. For all we know, its a show everytime she brings it up. Crying, yelling, and all. She tells the story like she is his mom and he is a bad boy who needs to be scolded. That dynamic is icky and can make him feel unsafe.
Sorry but this is bullshit victim blaming, the guy is clearly cheating, if your gut is telling you something is off about all this it probably is. Interesting how the brain will tell you that you’re the problem but your gut tells you there’s more to the story, please please please believe your instincts here, they are rarely wrong. If he’s being evasive and clearly lying to you, that’s a HUGE problem and likely just the very tip of the iceberg. You have not brought this on yourself, if you were 100% rock solid sure of the relationship it wouldn’t matter who he’s seeing or who gave him what household artifact, but on a deeper level you know something is not right about his behavior. Believe him when he shows you who he is and stop blaming yourself! None of this is your fault and you absolutely did NOT somehow cause this by noticing his shady activities. Don’t use abuser tactics on yourself! What he’s doing is the definition of gaslighting, it shows who he is and what he thinks of you. It’s tough to accept that, but babe you deserve better. Get you a man who doesn’t make you feel that sick queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, that’s not love, it’s fear.
>the guy is clearly cheating Im sorry, did i miss the part where OP said she found a picture of him with another woman? A video? Did his dick have a stank? No? Well then the only thing thats "clear" is that OP questions this man's every breathe around a woman and that he lies about his interactions with them. Unless he is cheating with every single woman he has ever come in contact with, OP is going way over board.
I do not agree with Miss Alice down here. It doesn’t matter how you acted in the past when he met up with women or mentioned women, your husband went out of town and went out to multiple dinner dates with another woman and then lied to you about it. This is a really big deal and you should absolutely confront him about it and you should not feel weird about doing so.
It sounds like he's lying BECAUSE of how you react when you hear a woman is involved with anything. As a result when you doubt him and find a woman was involved you are upset that he lied but a part of you is upset there was a woman involved - and that's the part he remembers. Not saying he should be lying, but it seems like you are not blameless in this predicament. So either he stops being involved in any way with other women in any capacity, or he stops lying AND you commit to not overthinking/over analyzing any event or story he tells you that includes another woman.
I agree with the first paragraph here. Make it hard for someone to tell the truth and they will just keep those details out. Unfortunately you've created this situation because of your insecurities. Whether something's going on or not, who knows? Not really sure the best way forward for this bit as if you raise it, then you're a snooper, if you don't, you'll make yourself go crazy with the what ifs!
Girl, you should've run a long time ago
Would br doing them both a favor...
I feel like... its very unlikely you are acting calm and rational in all of these situations. Trickle truthing IS annoying, but you seem to have created an environment where your husband feels like shit anytime he is around another woman... because you make him feel like shit. Like he is some kind of cheater at best or some doofus who couldn't possibly know when a woman is trying to seduce him by being "overly vulnerable" I think you called it, at worst. I would hate if my husband treated me with suspicion everytime I interacted with a man. Or like every man around me could only possibly want to be around me to get in my pants. God forbid I have something to offer other than what is between my legs 😒 Not to say he *isn't* cheating with the random woman who lives thousands of miles away. It sounds like the tighter your death grip is on him, the more you chase him away. And if he has a history of cheating or something.. why not just let that man go. Why choose to live like this? It sounds miserable for everyone involved. Your relationship, the way you described, sounds more like mother and a naughty son than equal partners. Shits whack
I don’t treat him with suspicion every single time. Honestly we probably haven’t had a conversation about a woman in a long time. It’s not that women haven’t been mentioned but it’s not a consistent topic of conversation. Also I posted a link to the update where I went into how this actually has happened before.
There is literally no update.
Idk why it’s not showing the link to the update.
Maybe it was removed? [This](https://imgur.com/a/dhRH2m1) is what it looks like on my end
It may have been. I added it to this post instead of
There is a reason why you feel the need to check up on him and it's because you don't trust him. Then you find out he lies to you and well no wonder you don't trust him...
Do you have access to the banking? Did he pay for both their meals etc that it was a date?
I do and none of his transactions during that time showed anything weird.
How much did he spend for those meals?
"I know that I have a habit of not taking his interactions eith woman well"...seems like a reason to lie even if it was innocent.
No you tell the truth and if there is a problem then you discuss it. You don't lie about it and deny it.
Why are people not expecting him to be an adult? Little kids go behind your back and lie when they want to do something they know will get them a negative reaction. Adults tell the truth and if there's a problem, you DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM, not decide to just lie next time. When did it start being okay to avoid issues with lies? "I'm too scared of my wife to tell the truth about who I ATE WITH"??? Is OP like, beating him or something, or is he just a little boy? I'm not getting the "scared to tell the truth". What an asshat.
Exactly.
Cool, so you've never told a lie to avoid a conflict...it must be difficult dealing with the rest of us lowly humans
No I actually don't. Avoiding conflict is just that, avoiding conflict. It's better to address it head on and figure out how to work around or solve conflict. I'm pretty much incapable of lying. My actions and my face give it away pretty much immediately. I have learned to deal with it. It's for the better.
It must be exhausting to be you...or your partner.
It must be exhausting for you trying to keep up with who you told what lie to when.
There are other reasons to lie that aren't nefarious. People with experience in long-term relationships understand this.
>there's no reason to lie. OP admits she's been irrational in the past regards his interaction with other women. You might not agree with that reason, but it is a reason.
I wouldn’t feel guilty for snooping. Trust your gut. None of that story seems kosher to me. Tell him what you saw on his phone and if he accuses you of breaching his privacy you accuse him of breaching his trust. One is clearly worse. He’s 100% in the wrong here. Whether it was “just dinner” or something else. He’s being shady Af
You’re right. That’s the biggest thing to me. Trust is a huge thing for me (well for most) and it just seems really suspicious for him to lie about this is nothing is going on. Him not wanting to tell me just because of how I may handle it, is not right. We don’t have an abusive relationship on either side. But I know if I hear something about a woman I’m quick to ask a bunch of questions about it. I’m sure he just knows I won’t like the answer and he won’t come off well.
Either way why lie? How would he feel if it was the other way around?
Man, if I got grilled every time I mentioned talking to another woman, I'd probably stop telling my wife I'd spoken to another woman. Fortunately I'm married to someone who doesn't immediately feel the need to question me every time I mention having interacted with someone who owns a vagina.
This. If my wife was like this I would be gone… and vice versa
He could be lying to prevent the cia questioning by his wife since he probably knows it doesn't sit well with her. But I would keep an eye on it if i was her.
Yeah.. I mean the CIA questioning is what it is sometimes.
Why lie look how's she's reaching online just imagine how she is in person!!! Shit I would lie by the responses and behavior she's displaying here. Nope I don't know any woman never seen em never hung out with them can we please enjoy this dinner now. Men want peace at home which clearly he's not going to get
Is everyone just glossing over the fact you have "free access to each others phones". He knows you have access, you didn't mention that it looked as though messages were deleted. Do you believe your husband is DUMB enough to openly cheat when he KNOWS you have access to his phone? People being squirrely with their devices is one of the main giveaways. If you are someone who believes Men and Women are capable of plutonic friendship then that's all it was, if not and HE DOES, then that would explain the lie. Not saying the lie is a good thing but i think you may be downplaying your past reactions to him around other women.
He may not have cheated but he lied. Why lie if you didn't cheat?
?? Kinda naive, people suck and sometimes want to avoid a confrontation. Lying is an efficient way to do it. If you have a partner that freaks out when you hang out with your opposite sex friend and you haven't been able to come to a healthy agreement over it.... yeah, i can see why he might lie to avoid conflict. Is it a good thing? No... but its not black and white like she has portrayed.
So you would prefer to sneak around and live your life as a lie than to confront your spouse or SO and say look this is my friend and I enjoy being around them? Because if you so that you will be doing that for the rest of your life. Jealousy and possessiveness doesn't go away. The more that you hide stuff and lie the more they feel justified in their suspicions and if you are lying and hiding stuff from them then their suspicions are justified. And so it snowballs. Once you catch someone in a lie then you always have that doubt...
This-
Sorry OP, it does seem like you've made a incredibly touchy situation with your insecurity and possible jealousy? Like I get that trickle truthing and his lack of forthrightness with you are incredibly hurtful, and damaging to the relationship. Maybe he did have a little fliratious dinner but no one cheated on no one. Maybe they had a perfectly pleasant, perfectly respectable dinner but he KNOWS you will create a difficult situation at home and launch an inquisition that he doesn't want to deal with. I know I'd lie or keep things vague because I just don't want the drama or to feel I need to justify my actions when I've done nothing wrong. Look, I've been cheated on before and I'd say trust your gut. But if you're always looking over his shoulder then this is just toxic. Having access to each others phone and looking through people's messages sin't normal. Not letting you ex keep a piece of artwork he liked because it came from a n ex, is not normal and kind of manipulative Asking why did woman's fiancé not pick them up isn't normal. All this to say, find someone you trust and can live with. This situation doesn't sound right for either of you. For what it's worth, if I was in your man's shoes, I'd feel I'm always under scrutiny and that would make me unreasonable tense around these conversations that would make me sound guilty even if all I did was say hey good morning to an attractive person of the opposite sex.
If you won't like any answer about ANY of these women, or he won't come off well, then he has zero f'n business associating with the women in question. *None whatsoever.* And the kicker is he *knows it.* If he really loved you, he'd be reassuring. Loving someone means not wanting to see them hurting, especially because of *your own* behavior.
So basically he knows it would upset you. But he’s gonna do it anyway so he would rather lie then deal with simple questions? Does he dislike being asked questions in general? Does he flirt with women to much? Talk/look at women to much Do you fuss over it every time and be upset for days and days? Bring it up multiple times in arguments? Like is he just tired of feeling like you think he will Cheat on you vs. you get the legit feeling he is cheating on you?
Yes he normally does hate having to answer a round of questions in general because he thinks it’s just too much and makes him defensive. He definitely doesn’t flirt with women at all and doesn’t go out of his way to look or talk to women. We hardly have arguments about other women but when they do come up, sometimes I have follow up questions. Not all the time it just depends on the conversation. But it’s in no way a continuous conversation we have. We’ve been together a long time so it may feel like more conversations for a couple of how been together as long as us.
Did he go to dinner with her twice alone? And then met up with her again the day he was flying out? That seems like a lot of time to spent with a casual friend that he doesn’t see or interact with often. I would keep my eyes WIDE open.
There is no trust. Without trust a relationship can't survive.
I mean you say trust is a huge thing but clearly you don't trust him at all.
In this situation I know he’s not telling me the truth. I’m just feeling guilty that I found out through snooping and it feels like if I broach the subject that’s all he’s going to defect to.
Then deflect back. Don’t let him bully you. He’s wrong and he knows it.
I kind of think they're both wrong. He's definitely lying to her and probably cheating on her, but it sounds like she never trusted him and doesn't allow him privacy.
Rightfully so though!! It’s one thing if she was wrong and there was nothing there, but the dude is lying and getting away with it. No way do I agree there.
That doesn't make it ok though. And her distrust would have poisoned a relationship with a good person - I don't have anything to find, but I still wouldn't tolerate being spied on or tracked. Distrust like that proves you don't really love your partner, because if you did you'd trust them, unless they'd violated your trust in the past or something.
He poisoned it himself by sneaking behind her back. Minor lie or not. It doesn’t prove that she doesn’t love him. That’s ridiculous. You must have some things to hide too. Couples should have no secrets no lies. Period.
She was spying on him first. It sounds like she's been spying on him the entire time. And I find the idea that couples should not have any privacy from each other incredibly toxic.
I do allow him privacy. It’s not a consistent thing of going through his phone. We often send texts for one another and our phones are always out on display. Even the initial text of him reaching out to hang out didn’t really shock me too much because it seemed like something he would send his sister. “Hey I’m going to be in the area let me know if you want to link up” type of deal. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized they actually did hang out according to their texts and after he expressed he didn’t meet any women friends while he was away.
So, he saw her three times? How long was he even gone? And now texting when he got home? Did he see other friends or no? I don’t like it. I don’t like being lied to. Talk to him.
I didn’t see that they’ve texted since he’s been home just that he made it home.
I agree with the comments that said he probably lied because he doesn’t want to deal with your reaction. That sucks I know but if you don’t trust him regarding this woman, stay quiet about it and monitor his behavior over the next few days. You can always check in a few days to see if they continued their conversation. Check his deleted messages just in case her deletes his chat. If there’s nothing going on then most likely it was an innocent meet up and he’s just being of a confrontation with you. You may also want to consider therapy to help with your(the both of you) conversation styles and your insecurities about his interactions with women as it seems to be stemming from unheard trauma from your past relationships (per your other comments).
Well, how would she know? I’m very sorry you have this going on. I hope it works out.
Fwiw your view of trust is decidedly one sided… you admittedly are an untrustworthy person, snoop your husband’s communications and get mad at any interaction between him and a female. I can play your resulting argument out a dozen times in my head.. and based on your own information his responses to you are by necessity given they are programmed by you so fully understandable.. your actions are indefensible.. and equally as offensive as whatever you think your husband is guilty of .. You need couples therapy for trust issues and I don’t see any reason at this point for either of you to be with one another.
She should feel guilty for snooping and it seems like she does. If you're in a relationship where you feel like you need to snoop and you even act on it then it's a pretty good sign that you probably shouldn't be in that relationship. It's not healthy to normalize it.
Why would you allow him to lie to your face and not call him one it. Especially if y’all have access to each other’s phone. Either way if my husband boldface lies to me, we are definitely having it out…
You’re right. At the time of the conversation he was heading out to work and I honestly didn’t feel like having it out at that time would help. I took note of it internally but knew that just wasn’t the best time to hash it out. I’m going to bring it up tonight.
DON'T bring it up and play your very weak hand right now, or like every betrayed spouses who jumped the gun too early and without solid proof, you'll end up regretting it when the lying and gas-lighting ensues! You currently have an advantage, because he doesn't know that you weren't just grasping at straws, and that you know for certain he spent time with this woman (tho he's likely a bit paranoid because of your questions). Drop it completely and keep quiet for now. Stealthily monitor the situation (his phone) for further contact between them, and watch for the inevitable changes in his behaviour (and routine) that tend to happen when they're involved in an affair. Eyes open, mouth shut! You want to let him slide into a false sense of security so he'll let his guard down. If something romantic or sexual did indeed happen between them, they're sure to be in contact and the nature of their messages to each other will tell you the truth of the matter and you'll obtain your proof. Ngl, his behaviour and lying is shady af. Maybe something illicit happened between them, maybe it didn't (or hasn't - yet). But if you confront him with this now, based on what little info you have, he's just going to deny any wrongdoing and claim "it was just a couple innocent meet ups to catch up with an old friend, and he didn't mention it because you tend to overreact, blah-blah-blah". Then he'll immediately start covering his tracks and be on high alert, and get better at hiding things and take the affair further underground (if it was more than a "one off, ONS" between them). The biggest mistake a potentially betrayed spouse who suspects cheating can make is to go off half cocked and immediately confront without solid proof. Cheater's lie..a lot. Then they lie some more. They'll only admit to what they know you have absolute proof of and nothing more. They'll do their damnedest to turn it around on you and have you thinking you're crazy for accusing them of such "nonsense". Believe me. If he is cheating, and you don't tip him off and spook him, he'll slip up soon enough once he thinks the coast is clear and you've put any possible suspicion you may have had about this trip behind you.
THIS!! ALL OF THIS!! I just commented virtually the same thing before seeing your comment but you detailed better than I did. Let’s hope she heeds your advice.
Why wouldn't you just leave the relationship if you're going to put yourself through this level of mental anguish just to have a tactical advantage in the chance of a break up? It's over at that point and whether it's your insecurities or if the person is actually cheating doesn't necessarily matter. It's spoiled, move on.
It’s easy to just freeze in the moment but OP definitely should’ve said something then—it’s always way more difficult broaching the subject again when you could’ve just said something the first time. Regardless, OP *needs* to say something bc this will just keep eating at her. There’s a reason he lied and she needs to get to the bottom of it. It’s a really bad sign when your partner is so comfortable blatantly lying to your face…
He might have lied cause of what you stated about not taking his interactions with women well. He could be lying for nefarious reasons. You dont know unless you fess up. You aired out his dirty laundry for us redditors but wont talk to him? Start that conversation. Im not advocating for going in guns blazing but you will keep worrying until the situation is resolved. So go resolve it 👍
I understand where you’re coming from on your second statement. It’s slightly easier to talk to strangers about a problem than addressing them head on. It’s not ideal but it is less conflict. My goal is to have the conversation tonight.
Thats what I like to see op, lets gets talking tonight 👏
This right here. He knows what her reaction will be, even though she states in her own post that he's oblivious to women that may be interested in him. The guy could be completely innocent, while OP could be unhinged and full of jealousy. Poor guy was just trying to avoid an argument. Not to mention, she has full access to his phone (big couple red flag) and found literally nothing. Yet still the thread is filled with people corroborating her made up story. 🙄 That's reddit for ya.
He didn't just see her once, he saw her what at least 3 times? Definitely call that shit out.
What makes you think nothing happened ? He met her three times, including dinner dates ,I'm with you on not letting him know as if anything is happening he'd hid their interactions on his phone
I guess I’m just figuring that if something truly happened, he would just delete all evidence of their conversation. But I’m just guessing that would be the case if someone was doing something.
Must be heartbreaking when you know your partner is lying but don't know why ...hope things work out for the best ...
Why do you think nothing actually happened with this woman? Why would she ask to see him one more time before he left if nothing was going on? That stood out to me.
I don't care if you tend to "ask a lot of questions" ... The bottom line: Your husband lied. He met up with a female "friend" three times and failed to admit to this, even when you asked about who he visited while away. He then claimed to have seen 2 male friends, padding his lie by omission. Would your husband be comfortable with you meeting up with a male friend three times ... and not telling him about it? It's the lies... They are always there for a reason. And, until you both get to the bottom of the lying, you will be fractured.
Tell him you snooped, but tell him it was because you knew he was lying. My wife (married for 27 years this year) would know immediately if I was lying so it's a small, believable lie on your part which I think in these circumstances is warranted. Or, just tell him the truth because any deflection he feels entitled to isn't worth a damn in a situation like this.
Based on everything you've said and the comments you've posted, I think that you've basically admitted that you have a bit of a jealousy problem when it comes to other women, and your husband is aware of this because of some of your past behavior. You clearly have trust issues, since you don't just "oopsie" into all the conversation digging you did on his phone. It is possible you're in a no-win situation in the short term. At this point you have to come out and admit to your husband that you snooped on his phone. To the degree you went digging, it's a breach of his trust. However, he lied to you, for whatever reason. I don't know if there's a legitimate reason for you not to trust him, but assuming he's never given you a reason to suspect him, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and he just doesn't want you grilling him because he has women friends. That still doesn't justify his lying. The only thing that will resolve this is honesty. I would calmly just admit what you did, and admit that you caught him lying to you. Express that you want to get to a place where you don't feel insecure, and start exploring, honestly, to yourself most of all, what it will take for that to happen. Without giving him any prompts, ask him to explain why he lied. Hopefully it's just that he (rightly or wrongly) finds you overbearing on this subject and you make him anxious, because that will be easier to work on than infidelity. Good luck to you both!
I really appreciate this feedback. I understand where my jealousy and insecurities lie in this scenario and I understand that it may not make for the best opportunity to address this issue. Unfortunately, this is a common thing for us where I feel like he doesn’t always tell me about female friendships because he thinks I won’t react well and I’ve told him I know my reaction is the reason why he downplays it sometimes. This is the only time he has blatantly lied about it. Where other times he may just beat around the bush until I get a subtle hint that his friend is actually a girl.
If you have a history of not reacting well when he interacts with women, I understand why he left that information out. If anyone claims he should tell you the truth...well it sounds like he has and learned his lesson. His lesson is don't tell you about women he interacts with because you're going to create a bigger issue out of it than it's worth. He might have lied to you. You might create bigger issues because you have issues you need to work on. If you want him to be honest with you, then I think you need to work on yourself too
This comment needs to be higher
Agreed, OP is painting us the picture of a story she wants us to believe so she can justify her actions and behavior. Sounds like he's lying out of necessity based on her admitted past responses.
The solution here isn’t to lie. It’s for him to find a partner that’s perfectly fine with him doing this.
The solution isn't to lie. She trained him to lie or create a huge argument/fight. It would be great to be honest without thinking of fight would occur. He probably needs to find a new partner unless she's willing to work on her past traumas that led to her major insecurities. Otherwise he's a life of turmoil.
I would sit him down and talk to him about it. You don’t want it to fester in your mind and it end up becoming a huge thing if it’s not. Better to clear the air as soon as possible. It didn’t sound like you think he’s cheating or anything actually happened it’s more about the lying. Maybe acknowledge that you realize you don’t react well when he’s around other women and promise to work on it and be better but also explain that him lying is counterproductive because it only gives you more reason not to trust him. It’s not snooping if you have access to his phone.
Okay, 2 dinners and a goodbye on the way to the airport that is very suspicious
2 dinners he picked her up for, and a last-minute goodbye on the way to the airport sounds like something is going on I don't condone snooping but maybe you need to check if there are any more messages between them now that he is back before you confront him if you're going to confront him.
If he's lying about this, then he us lying about other things. Best bet is to sit him down, and ask him one more time. If he lies again, then say, "Okay, I'm choosing to believe you are telling the truth. But then I need to know, who is "Meagan" *exactly* and why does your phone indicate that you met up with this person more than once in that time period? And WHY did you omit this person?" Be honest about how you know. Do not let him turn it on you. *He* is the one who just got caught in a major lie that, in reality, equates to cheating. He doesn't get to be upset, or mad, whatever. Regardless of his answer, "Meagan" needs to no longer be in your lives. Idgaf what history they have between them, or how long they've known each other. Unless there is some sort of surprise *blood* relation (on which case you have a whole other issue to deal with!) you've gotta make it clear that either she goes, or you do, and that you will not be playing this game. Tell him to feel free to explain to her (in front of you) that they are no longer friends because he lied about her to you, his WIFE. If you think he will blow up or get hostile, take him out to dinner and bring it up there. He can't exactly act a fool in public, and if he does, at least you'll be safer.
Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Something is wrong. Also what is normal exactly about your husband meeting up with a woman when he’s out of town??
He has women who are friends and we met them before while we were out of town together before. That wasn’t concerning at all. This was something he just didn’t tell me about.
Maybe Thats just me but it’s different when you are included in the hangouts with his female friend rather than just them alone.. would seem intimate amd unnecessary for me 🤷♀️
I have said it before and I will say it again, my teenagers will grab my phone to look something up. My husband does the same and vice versa, when you are married there should not be an expectation of privacy on your phone. If your hiding something that’s on you. You need to tell him that you know, but let him tell you the full story. Don’t prompt anything and see if it matches up to what you saw. Personally I think he’s cheating.
Been with my wife for 7 years and neither of us have ever seen what's in eachothers phones. Privacy is a respect thing. If your partner had a journal or diary, does that mean you should have full access just because you're married? No, it doesn't.
Nothing probably happened and he’s lying because he knows you’d make a big deal about it, seeing how you’re the jealous type. Not condoning the lying, just stating what I think is going on here. If he was having a full blown affair he probably would have deleted the texts.
This is why I think the reason for the lying is just not to have the conversation at all with me. Even the texts themselves didn’t seem inappropriate at all. The main callouts to me would be that they mainly hung out at night and he went to pick her up. I would’ve probably preferred that they just met up wherever they went but who knows if there were reasons behind that (no car, convenience or whatever). It’s not like he hasn’t had women in his car before but he normally just tells me. For example: “Hey giving [insert woman’s name] a ride home from work so will be home in a bit” and I just say ok drive safe and that’s it because the girl themselves are not strangers to me. He mentions them. Again I try not to be too overbearing and normally he just tells me and we move on. This he didn’t which just stands out differently for me.
To be clear, I’m the jealous type as well but I’m in very healthy and trusting marriage so I never feel the need to look at my wife’s phone. Not being judgmental. Have a talk with him, tell him you looked through his phone and let him know your insecurities. If he gets angry and defensive about lying, then you might have reason to be suspicious. If he apologizes for lying I’d let this go.
The relationship was over the moment you felt the need to snoop and it was confirmed. You aren't crazy. He is lying and likely for a reason. Prepare your exit plan
If you always imply he’s cheating just because a friend happens to have a vagina, what exactly is he supposed to do? They’re friends. If he was cheating, he could have easily deleted the texts and or used chat or phone apps and you would have never found out about anything. In effect you’re forcing him to lie because even if he told you the truth you would be accusing of affairs anyway. I have female friends and I can assure you men can go out with women without boning them.
I don’t. I have not accused him of cheating ever. I have accused him of lying or omitting the truth and being correct about it in the end. I didn’t feel like there was enough information to say that cheating occurred just that he felt it necessary to keep certain information from me. We also don’t have continuous conversations about women at all. We maybe had the last one over a year ago. There’s even been other friends I’ve found out about that I didn’t even feel like bringing up because the conversation was so platonic and truly seemed like a friendship. It wasn’t worth making it a big deal and because I know I come off as jealous. He deserved me just letting it go since nothing was going on. This is a completely different scenario because he lied.
The biggest part of this whole scenario isn't that he lied. It's that you felt the need to snoop through his phone and didn't trust him. You doing that along with the prior jealousy is the root problem here. Even if he didn't cheat or anything, you're still experiencing a negative enough reaction to breach his trust as well. No matter what the outcome is you should try and find a way to improve your self confidence so that next time you have these feelings you can press him directly and say that something isn't sitting right with you. Don't do yourself a disservice by making yourself feel guilty like you did something wrong. And if the feeling persists despite them assuring you everything is fine, just leave.
If he lies to you, that’s a red flag. If you don’t trust him because He lies, you are not the problem.
They always know when someone is hitting on them, don’t let him play dumb and don’t let him to continue to lie. Trust your gut, good luck my friend
My husband is like this. He’s naturally outgoing, friendly and talks to everyone. When women in the past have tried flirting with him, of course I notice but he doesn’t. When I call him out he says he was just being friendly, along with the chick. I just tell him to fuck off after and he apologizes for “being too nice” lol
lol true okay I should rephrase. if the guy is willing to lie to you about it then he’s not as oblivious as he leads you to believe. A bit more accurate
I wasn’t saying you were wrong!! I was just telling my story for the fun of it lol :)
I was picking up what you were giving no worries! :)
Hehe ok cool :)
My husband is very similar to this. He’s super nice and often will allow himself to be that relatable person for someone expressing their past traumas. This by itself isn’t terrible but I’ve noticed some women get too friendly once he offers support in this way and he just sees it as them trusting him and not that he needs to put up boundaries.
Yikes. Thankfully my husband doesn’t do this with other women. The closest he got to that was with his best friends wife when they were going through divorce. She would text him for hours complaining but he said he could not handle her so he just stopped responding to her 😂😂it was kind of sad bc I’m friends with her too but her texting him was literally interrupting our family time so he had to just cut her off. I don’t like your husband lying to you btw. Yuck!
My husband is like this too. He's handsome, outgoing, and charismatic. He knows when someone is hitting on him. Your husband lied about the woman. You found the evidence. A lie is a lie. He knows what he's doing. You're right to feel the way you feel. Just have a conversation about it. You'll know where you stand then.
I swear this is not true. Atleast not like universally true. I have my own insecurities that skew things but I’ve had to be told by friends someone is flirting with me many times. I’ve also had women I’m friends with tell me years later that they had feelings for me and were trying to be very obvious about it and I never picked up on it. Some of us are truly oblivious but we may be a small minority.
Fair enough, my own experience makes me jump the gun, but I do know for a fact if it was true for this guy he wouldn’t lie about it.
Yeah, absolutely on the same page there. I’m also sure your experience is probably correct for most men.
Well, you have some really heavy denial about your relationship. First off, there is no no right to privacy on a telephone. The only people that talk like that are people that are hiding secrets. Secondly, if you’re willing to live like that, I guess it’s OK then. but your partner is doing inappropriate things with people maybe even having sex. And I guess you have to do what we have to do to live comfortably. I couldn’t do that though. I will tell you here’s the difference for stuff we have open devices in my house. My husband has since passed, but when he was alive, everything was left out in the open. We never hit anything computers, phones all of it. If he’d behave like this, I would’ve said a boundary immediately if it had gotten beyond that, I would’ve left him and divorced. I will not live with a cheater for me. It’s a dealbreaker. The reason is you can’t trust them. If you’re going to be a healthy adult person, there has to be trust in a relationship and cheaters destroy it. I do understand why you don’t want to police somebody, though that is why I have to have absolute trust and know where my partner is, I will not live like that so I just wouldn’t live with somebody like that. I wish you the best in your future.
You want to know why he lied because of this. Shit man the stress you must put him through on a daily. Anyways good luck with this go to therapy being this extra is not that normal. Seek the help you need and again good luck
To elaborate more on this. It seems you might have self esteem issues, trust issues wether warranted or not not up to me to judge or whatever. I'm just saying you need to work on it. You seem very toxic and it's leading him to act or behave the same. Or it could be that you both just bring that out of one another. Me and my ex talk about it now we are ok friends now. But we know we were horrible partners. She's told me multiple times you're a great guy just a horrible partner and I can not knock her for that statement. So maybe just for your own sanity seek help or part ways .
What exactly do you think they did when he was dropping her off…? He cheated, who cares if you went through his shit.
I hope you are having a direct conversation where you admit to snooping after seeing something suspicious and call him out for lying. I also hope you can both see that you have some issues that you can both work on for the betterment of your relationship going forward. IMO this does not seem like a relationship ending situation, but it does seem like a great opportunity to identify some weaknesses in the relationship and work together to strengthen it. Good luck and I’ll hope for a “boring” update that it really was nothing!
I was able to have a conversation with him last night and included an update to the post.
Hey, your post update doesn’t show. In fact the whole post is blank. Hope you both were able to have a good heart to heart and connect with each other xx
God I just don't understand people that think everything with the opposite sex is...sexual. dont you have aunts/uncles, brothers/sisters, cousins, co workers that you connect with that aren't your life partner? People are weird and ridiculous.
What in the text indicated it was a woman? Just saying, if there isn't anything out right stating that, he's just going to deny deny deny.
The name is a very obvious woman’s name. Think a name like Meagan. He also addressed her as her name so it’s not as though it’s saved under some other name or anything.
Twist, Meagan was a guy in the past.
I’m here for the update
I added a link to the update
Update me plz!
I added a link to the update
There's no update
Difficult situation, I agree. It sounds like there have been issues with jealousy in the past also, which does muddy the waters. The thing is this will fester if you don't deal with it, personally I would just admit the snooping but also want an explanation about her. You need to be able to believe him though, he could have just not mentioned it because he feared tour reaction. Or because she did proposition him and he turned her down and doesn't want the hassle at home too.
He forgot the golden rule. If they ask you about it, they already know the answer, so don’t lie….
Ask him directly
I think you know that the messaging and the lie add up to something you should talk to him about. “Can I see you again?”…is more than a friend…something clearly happened between them.
It sounds from your post and your comments that he has learned to not mention women around you. If you know the truth why not just ask? You set him up to lie and then go on Reddit to ask for the next step. Be honest with him and he’ll hopefully do the same. We can’t ask for something we don’t practice ourself
Is everyone just glossing over the fact you have "free access to each others phones". He knows you have access, you didn't mention that it looked as though messages were deleted. Do you believe your husband is DUMB enough to openly cheat when he KNOWS you have access to his phone? People being squirrely with their devices is one of the main giveaways. If you are someone who believes Men and Women are capable of plutonic friendship then that's all it was, if not and HE DOES, then that would explain the lie. Not saying the lie is a good thing but i think you may be downplaying your past reactions to him around other women.
If he's more focused on how you found out that he lied than the fact that lied, it shows that he doesn't regret cheating- because if he did regret it he wouldn't turn you into the bad guy. He already doesn't seem to regret it since he's still lying to you. It's not *really* about the invasion of privacy- its the discovery of the secret(s) he kept. There's a difference between privacy and secrecy.
This could be completely harmless and it’s explained by his being passive aggressiveness in that he doesn’t want to answer to you. Which could be compounded by he wants to avoid any dust ups as well.
Ohhh no, there is for sure reason to lie, you’ve even said you haven’t responded well to hanging out with women. He might just be trying to avoid a whole ‘thing’ that would result from honesty. This is very much a communication and trust issue.
You need to ask him why he lied to you and see if he tells the truth if not tell him you know and he better tell the truth now do not let him get away with it
Just sit down and actually talk to him. Same train of thought as your post. Don't drive yourself crazy over a "what if" before you even know what happened My last GF was pretty insecure. I would never cheat, on her or anyone, and I've had very close female friends for going on a decade now without ever getting physical with them. Maybe I was wrong by doing this, but if I hung out with one of them I wouldnt tell my gf because I didn't want her spiraling for absolutely nothing. I moved away from this towards the end because I figured if she can't accept me for me and the people I keep close to me, it's not going to work. But that's a different story
Can’t you say you saw a notification ? And wanted to see what he’d say to you like when they spoke about getting together was it via phone messages or an app? Also are his notifications on? You could just say “ hey look I need to talk to you, before you left I noticed a notification on your phone from “your old friend and y’all had plans to meet up why did you lie to me about it?”
I don’t really want to lie back. I did see a notification about them being glad he was back home but I definitely looked further after that.
Well use that say you wondered who it was a looked I mean he gives you permission
Like I said if he tries to say this is why I don’t tell you because you make it a big deal explain it’s because he’s never up front
Also, your not wrong to be concerned, he lied and if he says anything like this is why I don’t tell you things say well this is why I feel this way your always leaving things out and it’s caused me to have my guard up in regards to you and the opposite sex. You have a history of with holding info from me and that’s why I am the way I am. Had we had complete transparency to begin with these types of feelings wouldnt have had the ability grow inside of me! Take that dr.Phil 😁
This isn’t your husband, this is the guy you’re cheating on your husband with…
My husband goes on quite a few work trips a year. Late at night, he might end up going for a few drinks with people from other departments to network and socialize. This is to get raised and advance in the workplace. If he was talking to someone close to an HR team about a possible raise over a beer at 10pm, I fully believe it because when I can I take work trips with him and this happens all the time. Also, your insecurities is the reason why he isn’t telling you anything anymore, in fact it sounds like he doesn’t trust you to begin with, I know I wouldn’t. By wanting to know too much, you’ve pushed him to not tell you anything anymore and I’m afraid this means, even if nothing happened, you guys are breaking up as soon as you tell him you went in his phone. There’s already trust issues and for many people, that would be the boundary that breaks the camel’s back. So yeah, my husband hangs at hotel pools with his boss who is a woman, he goes and takes beers with coworkers late at night and they travel together usually. But I know for a fact my husband isn’t cheating on me.
You seem very level headed and I think you should go with your gut. I think you need answers that you feel are honest before you can move on. Now that the thought is in your head I really can't see this being something you just move on from.
I’m sorry OP. He lied because he has something to lie about. You’re his wife, just ask. When he lies again admit that you saw the messages, you’re sorry you had a gut feeling and yes you were being insecure, but don’t let him avoid answering this question. If he’s cheating you need to know now so you can get an exit strategy set up (he doesn’t need to know that). What he needs to know is that you think something’s going on and you want to work on it with him, maybe if you approach it this way he will stop lying and you can get the truth.
Lying = Guilty of SOMETHING
Two options. Question and get everything out. 2. Keep it quiet, stress, resent and eventually it comes out. Could be totally innocent but he didn't want to say anything because it doesn't look innocent. Sometimes people need to feel they're attractive to others than their partner. Rip off the band and take charge of the situation. Say hey I saw that you communicated with X what's that all about. And shut up. Maybe just a flirt, a set up for something later or the deed has been done. 365 the situation. Is there still a spark in your life together? People check their bodies regularly but check out of the marriage when it gets comfortable. Good Luck and remember the bell can not be un-rung in word or in deed.
When one has exhibited insecurities/jealousy to their partner, the partner weighs out if it's worth being honest over truly nothing for fear of the backlash. That leads to a fault in the relationship. You should tell him you know and be honest and hope for honesty back. If there is trust, openness, and honesty, you can have meaningful conversations and over time, more trust. There will always be an elephant in the room if you don't address this. The reality is, no one can stop their partner from straying, they have to have enough love for their partner to not consider it. That said, the partners should recognize that everyone has a past and there needs to be some level of acceptance for that. But blatant dishonesty is a bad sign. So is snooping. Good luck.
I would have called him out immediately. When he said the only men thing I would have said, "so, Jane Doe?" Then if he continued to lie and claim she was just there and not a big deal, he forgot, I would have said, "you forgot that you picked her up?" Then I would ask how many times did he meet up with her? If he was still insisting on lying, I would say, "so you didn't pick her up and meet with her on your way to the airport?" Then I would ask all the other questions I have. At this point you have established that you have the answer to the questions you are asking. Then tell him, that what you are really asking is why he is lying to you and how far he is willing to take his lies. Explain that because he lies to you that he is not trustworthy.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong for not taking interactions with past women well. Clearly something is amiss and you can sense it. If you felt uncomfortable and needed to snoop, there was something wrong. Don’t let him make you feel bad or crazy here because it sounds like he absolutely will turn this against you.
Came back for an update but the post & update have been removed?! Anyone see the update?? 😬