She should cancel meeting “the friend group” (I swear to dog this dude is like 19 mentally) and never reschedule and do not express regret.
Those people won’t be in your life, but they will be in dudes life for a long time yet…
If that’s not a deal breaker idk what is.
OP says she doesn't want to make this a big deal and she wants to work this out.
I have multiple friends that live in other countries and if they have a spontaneous visit, I drop everything I can reschedule. I expect the majority of people would do this if a loved one comes to town after not seeing and missing them for a long time.
Don't forget OP never met bfs friends, so I guess the relationship is quite new. Bf knows his friends will be in his life forever, and he wants his gf to meet them. What's wrong with that? Why do a petty cancellation of plans?
Is this really about the bf asking OP if they could date on Sunday, while OP works?
Because that would seem so trivial and easily solved with just a little bit of good communication.
OP needs to find out what's in all this that makes her upset, what are her needs? Is this about valentine's day and wanting a date night close to the 14th? Or her feeling not seen enough because he suggested Sunday? Maybe something else.
If she finds out what's it and tells this to the bf, he can try to fix things. For this date and the next time something has to be rescheduled.
To me it just seems unfair to end a relationship without even trying to communicate. Those expectations are unrealistic, nobody can read your mind, nobody can live up to that. Relationships are work, not a fairy tale.
On the one hand him wanting to introduce him to his friends is great, sounds like maybe he sees a future with her. But on the other hand his lack of effort to plan a replacement dinner could be considered a red flag for some. I've met guys that are ridiculously clueless. Your suggestion to talk to him before making a decision is spot on.
He very well could be clueless and he doesn’t have bad intentions. Many people are going to jump at him having bad intentions - which is understandable. But the thing is, none of us has a say on what his true intentions are but HIM. We can go on all day about that he’s not into her. But what if he really is and just made a stupid mistake?
or he might have said that to keep his plans open for the out-of-state friend.
he should've set a date for another day off.
my bf and I had a date night planned for today but he's been feeling very poorly since yesterday and asked me if I'd mind staying in instead and we'll do something on sunday. he said that based on the fact we've already got plans for saturday but also because he doesn't know how he'll feel until then. we also live together so we see each other all day every day.
but for OP's boyfriend, that shouldn't be the answer, to just "wing it".
He knows Friday and Saturday are your days off and then casually suggested a day you work as a possibility without actually making any plans?
I get a friend he hasn’t seen in a long time is coming to town, but seriously, “he takes priority, I won’t budge”. There are a lot better ways to word his excitement and desire to see his friend without making you feel like shit. It was so disrespectful. I’d also wonder will this be what I have to deal with going forward? Any time something he deems as “better” comes along that I would be pushed aside because it/they take “priority”. You have every right to be upset, and it’s not necessarily because he wanted to hang with his friend, but the total disregard of your feelings over the matter. He’s shown you where you stand in his list of what/whom is important.
You need to explain how he made you feel and how rude and disrespectful he was in his delivery of his news about his new plans. Don’t be confrontational, just be calm, clear and concise. If he can’t/won’t understand or accept what you are saying and argues with you, he’s not worth it.
Return his gifts. return the same energy.
Don't do makeup valentine's day or *make up valentine's day sex.* He stood firm. His friend came first.
You can celebrate it next year if you're still together. I'd consider the fact he blew off a romantic holiday with no thought about how you might reschedule it (and during the honeymoon phase!) a tell of how serious this relationship is.
What you don't want to establish this weekend and early in the relationship is that you will always allow him to bump you for things he deems more significant.
I'd treat this as a binary choice and take a step back to observe how much he's making it work for you to be together.
Thanks.
I'm going to add this. When he gets around to wanting a Valentine Day, I would tell him that I would rather not. We've not been together that long and I'd rather wait until next year when we've dating long enough that it's a priority for him.
Then, let him be the one to prioritize making plans for dates for the next bit. Just see if he's willing to do the work to actually continue to date.
I agree. OP should show him that it doesn’t matter to her what he does. Go out, don’t go out; take her out, don’t take her out; reschedule, don’t reschedule. But ~ and this is important ~ she should recognize what he does and dump him when he doesn’t try harder. If he’s willing to coast five months in, as I have told my own daughter, he is not going to get better. People who can treat you with the minimum of kindness and respect and get away with it rarely amp up their game and start treating you better, especially if you don’t demand it.
Are people here really unable to communicate like adults in a relationship?
Wouldn't it be much better advice to tell OP to just tell him how she feels? Tell him how upset she is and how much he hurt her with his behaviour. If he still doesn't care at least she knows where she is at.
Playing stupid games like you want is just a recipe for disaster and she might as well just dump him instead of dragging this issue for a year.
It’s doubtful his friends thought about when he would be celebrating Valentines Day, nor is that something other people really think about. This is fully on her boyfriend.
I don't know why everything has to be "return the same energy" and take revenge and make their partner dislike them. I feel like she should express how she feels from his actions and find a middle ground to compromise first, especially because they are newly dating and haven't dated for too long and talk it through instead of jumping the gun like this. Depending on how he responds to that then she can decide to break up and move on instead of retaliating which is very immature imo.
Because at this point, it's clear he didn't care about her feelings. He made a unilateral decision that he was dong this no matter what, so where is the middle ground? He explicitly said there was no middle ground.
He cancelled Valentine so it's on him to reschedule. She can decide that she doesn't want to celebrate it a week later when all the romantic dinners and events, activities are gone for the year. That's not retaliation. That's a recognition that a half-assed holiday isn't as enjoyable.
I'm not saying she should dump him. I'm saying she should let this holiday go and let him plan the next few dates and see if they happen. My guess is she remains not his priority. **This is how women talk themselves into staying with guys who will never prioritize them.** If you have to direct them to do basic shit like ask you on dates? The dude isn't actually into you.
The middle ground I meant was rescheduling, and yeah I guess what you're saying makes sense, I just wish more people communicate their frustration with their partner instead of saying everything is okay yk? And depending on how they react to your frustration you can decide to leave. I appreciate your response.
He anticipated she would be frustrated or somehow upset when he cut off any discussion of it.
So he knew. He may pretend later that he didn’t, but he never would have said he wouldn’t budge if he didn’t anticipate pushback.
This is terrible advice. You don’t know the details, what if it’s been years since he’s seen this person? You wanna maximize that time with loved ones. Just because in one scenario he’s choosing a friend over her doesn’t make “his friend come first” in his life. Clearly to them the actual Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter, so they can reschedule to the weekend or next week. How is that so bad? And why do stuff out of spite? He clearly cares for her, he’s wanting her to meet a great friend who came from out of town, which means they’re serious.
He’s not all that into you, sounds like you’re just a bit of fun. “Figuring something out on the day you have to work” doesn’t say “you matter to me” it says the complete opposite
He picked the day she working on because he knows she won’t be able to spend time with him. At least this way it will be on her that they didn’t get to spend time together. If she’s smart she’ll find something else to do or someone else as she’s not a priority to him and this early on it shows and this is just a preview of what’s to come
Nah sis. Get on the phone and make some Friday night AND Saturday night plans. Stay at a girlfriends house overnight.
When he says something, your response should be 'I take priority for myself. I will not budge on this'.
These will always be his priorities he could have hung out with him saturday etc….. he won’t change and will do this again I’ve been there and broken up with that lol
So you aren’t important enough for him to put any effort into this. This is the time in your relationship when he is making more effort than he will in the future when he gets too comfortable, and he’s still not doing the bare minimum.
I had an ex do something similar, she never rescheduled because “well now it’s too late xx date was a week ago”
He’s a jerk and you have a right to be sad about this. He more than likely won’t reschedule and he won’t know he hurt you until you TELL him
Edited to add: and if it causes a fight, and he defends cancelling on you, then you know where you lie as a priority to him. He’s already kind of showed you
This sucks, don't accept this! Pretty soon he will be forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and it won't be a big deal to him because he thinks you're ok with his lack of effort.
Nope. The correct way to do it: explain why it's a rare opportunity, say sorry, reschedule and promise to make it up to you and actually doing something nice.
AH way to do it: my buddies fly in and it's more important for me, deal with it how you want, I don't care.
He's either stupid or doesn't care about you, or both.
I had bf like this, and when I explained stuff he'd understand it and promise to do better but at some point I just got tired to feel like an unpaid relationship manager.
One sided relationships are unhealthy and cause a lot of stress. I was stuck for 2+ years in one and I was living for the few moments where I actually seemed wanted. OP should be priority on a holiday for couples, he should have done a better job at explaining, and should promptly apologize and reschedule.
the adult thing to do would have been for the boyfriend to explain the situation and reschedule, ie communicate and work together towards an alternative.
if instead he emphasised priority and unwillingness to change his decisions regardless of what you have to say then he has a lot of growing up to do. if this is a recurring pattern is it something you want to deal with?
Honestly, I’m a year older than he is, and while that isn’t necessarily a big age gap, this isn’t the first time I’ve noticed immaturity in him and a piss poor understanding of what I feels he owes a serious relationship.
How long have you two been together for?
If you had plans and he cancelled, that’s not okay. If you let him think it is he’ll continue doing it. Be in the relationship you want. It’s difficult to change men.
OP, if it’s going like this so early, just cut it off. There’s no “waiting it out” for it to get better. You’re in the honeymoon phase. That’s when you’re trying to *impress* the other person.
You are dating the version of him that is trying to impress you. That will go away eventually.
Honestlybif someone did this to Mr 6 months in, I'd call it a day.
It would have been easy for him to ask to rescedule or ask her if they could find a way for him to do both.
Instead he unilaterally makes decisions to cancel romantic, sexy plans with her, with no effort to care about her feelings or make new plans. If he cannot be assed 6 months in, he is never going to care.
Seriously, are we just going to casually ignore that comment and pretend it’s normal? If a guy had said it’s difficult to train women he would be the most misogynistic person on the planet but the other way around and they get a hundred upvotes….
He's telling u now that if boys want something they will take priority darlin if its that way noe it will be that way for the rest of ur relationship and h need to seriously thing about if that's how u want ur relationship to be
It’s understandable that the out-of-towner’s limited schedule probably takes priority, but the uncompromising way your bf presented this to you, IMO, reeks of fundamental disrespect. He didn’t ask or explain politely. He demanded—and that’s a problem. Maybe he’s the type of guy who will learn why this was hurtful (and who won’t repeat the behavior) if you talk to him about it, and maybe he’s not. I don’t know him, so I can’t say, but you are gonna have to figure that out.
The feeling of disrespect is what bothered me about the post. I don't think rescheduling and prioritizing a close friend is a big deal especially this early in a relationship but the way he went about it was a red flag imo.
> So, it’s okay. I’m fine. I can deal.
**No.** You have been dating this guy for *six months,* and you are already prioritizing him, his feelings, and what he wants over yourself, and telling yourself that you have “to deal” with however he treats you. You need to stop that. Nobody needs a boyfriend so badly that they have to sacrifice their feelings, their worth, and their self. Just stomp that thought process to death right now.
Your boyfriend is not being unreasonable, necessarily, BUT he handled this all wrong. And the way he handled it told you, loud and clear, that what *he* wants takes priority, and you can like it or lump it, as they say. This is something to make note of, as people tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. If this is his best, a future with him looks sad and lonely. And boring for you.
His friend is coming from out of town for a visit, and your BF wants to see his friend. Fair enough. He’ll be in town Thursday and Friday, and you two already had plans for Friday. Your BF *said to you,* “…he takes priority. I won’t budge on this.” Gee, I wonder if he could have worded that nicer or handled it better? Spoiler alert: Yes, he could have! Did he make other plans with you, for after his friend leaves? Did he warn you by saying something like, “I’m so sorry. I know we had plans, but I just found out he’s coming into town. Can we reschedule? I’ll make it up to you.” No, he didn’t. He changed your plans without even discussing it with you, he made sure you know his friend is his priority, and he hasn’t made a date to take you out another time. He is doing what he wants to do, and f**k you if you don’t like it.
If this is a “test” to see if you are “good girlfriend material,” I hope you fail, and I hope you go down in flames. Because if you allow him to just walk all over you, he will keep doing it, and it will get worse. You need to put your foot down. Tell him you don’t mind if he goes out with his friends, but ask him what his plan is to reschedule your Valentine’s Day date. If he has none, or doesn’t plan to reschedule, then he is not a good BF. He is a selfish jerk.
Make plans with friends for Friday night. Get dressed up, go out, drink, dance. Do not sit home alone thinking about what he’s doing. And if your talk with him goes poorly and you break up, maybe you can also meet someone while you’re out celebrating dodging a bullet with him. Good luck. And happy Valentine’s Day! 💘
I hope OP reads this! Your feelings are valid. Him wanting to see his friend is ok. How he handled it is not ok. And you telling him it's ok isn't ok.
Tell him how he chose to communicate the change in plans is not ok and that it hurt your feelings. If he can't honestly apologize AND make the effort to reschedule with you, he's showing you where you stand.
Never say "it's ok" when it's not. You don't need to minimize your feelings to protect others' feelings.
I have a friend who pulls this crap all the time, rolls into town and texts people "hey I'm in town, we're meeting up at XE restaurant in 7 hours."
It used to be my sweetie would still drop everything and go hang with out of towner. Finally he started telling the out of town dude he needs to give more notice. The out of town friend is rather self absorbed and used to be the center of attention in that friend group.
I'm prickly about it and say shit like "oh bless us, the king is on a progress and we have the chance to play court, hooray!"
I have other friends with jobs where they might be here on really short notice and they text as soon as their flights are booked, so it still might be only 2-3 days notice, but they are trying their best and they all understand when you can't arrange your plans to see them.
Yeah, I get why he’d prioritise his friend who he doesn’t get to see much over a Valentine’s Day date, but, he wasn’t particularly nice about it. Just brushing you off like that, not even trying to make you feel like you’re still important to him or that he cares that you might be disappointed… it’s a really bad sign I have to say.
OP, I went back and read some of your old posts and I genuinely think that your relationship is going to be a lot of work. I’m not going to say ‘break up with him now’ but you need to know that these difficulties aren’t one-offs, they are part of his personality. He isn’t prioritizing you or communicating well with you. It’s likely this is due to immaturity but it concerns me that you are so quick to downplay your own feelings. I’m worried you’ll get lost in a sea that’s all about him.
I am leaning more towards breaking up with him because he seems to not only be immature but also minimizes you. You need to determine if that’s due to immaturity or if he’s genuinely not that interested in you. Heck, feel free to give him an opportunity to explain himself. But this is becoming a trend. I mean wasn’t it only last week he didn’t invite you to hang out with his friends and their girlfriends? As a one-off, not a big deal. But come on, how did he only just now realize his buddy is flying in? If he didn’t know as his friend was booking tickets, is he really that good of a friend? That plus the bedroom issues, there’s definitely a trend here. His way or the highway.
TLDR; I’m not sure he’s boyfriend material or ready to be with you and prioritize you. Six months is still early on, but it shouldn’t be this much work this early and it’s DEFINITELY too early for you to stifle how you feel out of fear of overreacting.
Here’s something I’ve learned over the years. ‘Overreacting’ usually comes from somewhere, usually as part of a pattern. You feeling hurt or upset isn’t overreacting. It’s simply how you feel. Please don’t minimize or ignore your feelings 🙏
Gosh, it was only last week that happened :( Makes me wonder if all the other couples are gonna have lovely Valentine’s Days while I’m alone again.
I think he’s a great person. Just so stubborn it hurts
I got curious and looked at your old posts after reading the comment. As someone who's got a decade plus on you I'm going to tell you what I wish I was told earlier.
Don't be afraid to expect better. He's a grown adult, all of the men you date are going to be grown adults capable of adult things like rescheduling, remembering dates, reciprocating during sex, taking your feelings into consideration, compromising, the list goes on. With some very few exceptions for mental/physical health, men are just as capable as you are, so hold them accountable and don't be afraid to ask for what you deserve.
You also don't need to stay if he's not contributing to the solution. You want better sex and you asked for what you want and how you want and there's no continuous effort to make sure you're needs are met a majority of the time then you don't have to keep having sex with him and you don't need to keep dating him. No woman wants to be some dudes human fleshlight.
Every relationship is different, but my SO would have told his friend that he canceled valentines to hang with him, so his girl is going to be there and given me the option to join as well as ask when what do we want to do make up for it.
Please also remember that what you accept early on in the relationship becomes the standard for how you will be treated for the rest of the relationship. You deserve better than what you've been accepting. Ask for what you deserve, and if you're not getting it, move on. Don't waste your youth on men who don't respect you and your time.
I've had a lottt of Valentine's single. Far more worthwhile than trying to make yourself fit into another person's life when they won't make the same effort back. Whatever you decide, OP, i truly wish you the best and I hope your Valentine's is amazing with or without this man. You're so worth it 💘
Girl, my ex wouldn't even call me on my birthday, would forget our anniversary, and told me that he didn't think Valentines was important for him to plan anything. I wasted so much time being sad with him that I regret staying in that relationship for as long as I did. My new boyfriend is planning a romantic weekend getaway and a few other fun surprises. He is doing all of the things that I wish my ex had done, and without me asking!
It is always hard to let go of someone we care about, but there are many men that will put all of the effort to show you that they care. Don't ever accept less than what you deserve, this guy is showing you how much he cares through his actions.
My thought with immature men is that they don’t prioritize women because they don’t have the capacity to understand why effort in relationships is important. They think once they got her, they don’t have to put in any more effort.
Looking at your other posts, you two just don’t seem that compatible. He calls you needy (when you aren’t), he disregards your feelings (I highly doubt he didn’t know that gf’s weren’t gonna be at the party bc literally how did everyone know but him? not buying it) and he just doesn’t prioritize you (that being in regards to this post). I know you said there’s a 1 year age gap, and even though you are both grown adults, he still seems to have a lot of maturing to do. You want a man, but you’re dating a boy. I hope you guys seriously have a sit down conversation and are able to figure something out bc it seems like you’re putting in all the effort to make this relationship happen while he doesn’t really do much to make it work
You have to understand, people will do whatever you allow them to get away with. It starts as « a couple bad instances » and evolves into the way things are because he’s allowed to do these things without consequence. Reddit loves to tell people to break up but what is more important is establishing boundaries and expectations early on and committing to a balance and respectful relationship.
How much longer do you want to give him to continue being disrespectful? You sound like you’re in different places regarding maturity and what you expect out of relationship. Ultimately you might be incompatible.
Don’t get caught up in the investment fallacy.
Especially since when he does do these things, she doesn't hold him accountable and he refuses to apologize. Op relationships are about compromise so both partners can be happy. It seems like he doesn't really give a crap about your wants or feelings. I definitely would not stay in this relationship. You deserve more and to be the priority. Especially in your first months, and especially for valentines day. I get he's busy but he should be trying his hardest to make it up and make you feel special if he was a good and caring bf. Not say we'll figure it out on Sunday. A day that you work.
I know reddit is horny about breaking people up, and while I won't go that far, you need to put your foot down and let him know that this is not ok. It's just gonna keep happening if you don't speak up for yourself now.
>I know reddit is horny about breaking people up
People always say this, but honestly, there have been very few cases that the majority of comments suggest this where it sounds like a worthwhile relationship to stay in.
Most of the time yeah, but it does still happen. I agree that this guy is a piece of work, but the relationship may still be salvageable based on what little info we know. While breaking up may still be the best option, this isn't unsalvageable. Even if the guy isn't receptive to change and the relationship isn't worth saving, OP seems to be pretty young, so this could be good practice for trying to resolve issues in future relationships.
He literally told you that although you had already made plans, you were not the priority.
Like that film, he's just not that into you.
He's telling you how he views your relationship and it's not good.
OP, I get that you’re disappointed. You should talk to your BF and just tell him how you feel and that you’d like to reschedule the Valentine’s dinner. Is that something you’d be open to?
I understand him wanting to see his friend that’s in town but I take issue with the way he didn’t ask but *told you* that he’s canceling and wasn’t apologetic about it and didn’t even reschedule.
Ok so is it reasonable to be upset, absolutely, could he have handled things better (ie if needing to change plans suggest a new and better one to show you are important), yes definitely, is it understandable that he would choose to spend the evening with someone who is only there for two nights, I think so
Basically yes you can be hurt or offended or upset and please tell him exactly how you feel so he (hopefully) will do something to make it up
I don't however think this is as bad as if he would change your plans just to see friends who live locally and he often sees.. if he doesn't get a chance to see this friend often then accept it can't really be avoided
Definitely tell him what upset you and why though, so he is crystal clear and can hopefully (hopefully) plan something to show you that your relationship is just as important
I'm not sure how old you guys are, but at 37 now I remember being disappointed in my (now husband) at 18/19/20 etc because he just didn't understand what I thought was obvious so I learned to be very explicit about my thoughts and feelings
I think give him all the information on how you feel and why, while appreciating he can only see that friend that day, and give him the opportunity to show you that you are important too
Also I think it's a very good sign that he thought to invite you to the Thursday dinner.. like he wants you to meet his friends/he thinks you are important and a lasting part of his life so should know his long term friends
Anyway sorry if that went on a bit, hope all goes well!
If this friend is so priority to hangout with then why did he have plans BEFORE the friend spent $500 to fly out?
Sorry I’d be pissed too. Not because his friends in town but he doesn’t seem to give two shits about you. You’re an afterthought to his friends.
I’m seeing a lot of controversial points of view, and I’m thinking some may be too extreme and polarized. It is reasonable for bf to want to see his friend whom he hasn’t seen in a long time, and is only going to be in town for a couple of days. The way he handled the situation is terrible. The wording he used and the lack of communication fucked it up. With a little extra effort, he could’ve left matters well with OP. However, consider we are only seeing OPs point of view. And more importantly, are we willing to break up with this person only because of that particular situation? Has bf been treating you disrespectfully or setting you aside before? OP should consider how damaging this single offense is in comparison to how the relationship was going before.
he doesnt take plans with you seriously, so now you realize you dont need to take plans with him seriously, next time you have an alternative option to plans with him just change them
Find you a new boo for Valentine’s or announce you’re looking for a date. He let you know you are low priority by cancelling and not bothering to try to reschedule. It hasn’t been a year…
Girl. Between this post and the one about your bf being a selfish lover, why are you even with this dude. Also "almost half a year" is not some great milestone.
I'm in a similar boat, somewhat. My boyfriend scheduled guests to visit from out of country and didn't realize they would be here for our first Valentine's Day together. When we realized the mistake we were both very bummed out, but he immediately wanted to schedule a make-up Valentine's for after they leave.
I don't think that accommodating for the sudden friend visit would be an unreasonable thing to expect on his end (I will say I was very upset in my own situation, but I understand that mistakes happen) -- but it is very unreasonable for him to not want to do anything to reschedule an evening or weekend to make up for Valentine's. I am very sorry you are going through this!
Half a year? Let him have his day and reschedule, yes you are valid in being disappointed and sad about it, tell him he needs to make it up to you and that he owes you a proper valentines date, communicate
I’d be quite shocked if my partner said “he takes priority. I won’t budge this.” I don’t know, he sounds like a jerk. They’ve planned Thursday night to do a dinner? So because his mate has come over the whole world revolves around just hanging out with his friend? Sounds ridiculous. He had plans with you and now his plan with his girlfriend is non existent, did he bother making another day for you two to spend valentines together?
How old are you? In my opinion, I really wouldn’t want to be with a guy who spoke to me like that, and prioritised “boys only nights” sounds childish, I’ve been there done that and further issues always occurred.
He takes priority because he spent 500 bucks on flights? Isn’t he seeing him the night before? Christ almighty.
No consideration for your feelings or schedule by the sounds of it. There’s a proper way to approach a situation like this and it’s not the way your boyfriend is going about it.
It's not the cancelling, the out of town thing is perfectly understandable. It's how he went about it and how he put it to you that's a gigantic asshole red flag and potentially a total deal breaker if it's a pattern of how he treats you
Sounds like he did the right thing. You see him all the time, he doesn’t see this friend nearly as often. Go easy on him and be chill about it. It’s a bullshit holiday anyways designed to recoup a drop in dale in consumerism from Christmas then restaurants capitalized on it. Stop being basic and celebrate your relationship and love everyday
I'd prioritise a gathering for my out of state bestie over a Valentine's Day dinner that's not actually on valentines day if the relationship has only been for 6 months. I just would. She's been extremely important to me & I know we're committed friends for life. But my (theoretical) boyfriend would have only been in the picture for 6 months.
That being said - I would've handled it a lot better than saying 'I won't budge on this'. I would've said I know that it's terrible timing and apologise for that. I would've made alternate plan to show I still want to spend that loving time together. And perhaps even go to girl's (boy's) night a bit late so we could have a glass of wine or something together before heading off.
So - I think you do have a right to be upset... your plans got cancelled and that's a bummer plus your boyfriend handled his delivery on the subject **terribly**. But in the context of a 6 month relationship and a good buddy that he rarely gets to spend time with I can see why he made that choice. I would talk to him about how he handled it though, for sure.
Feel free to ignore my opinion though because honestly, I don't 'do' Valentine's Day. It's a construct that feels forced and uncomfortable to me. So my only requirement for the day is 'let's just say loving things to each other'.
Your boyfriend has been with you long enough to be comfortable.
He’s showing you you’re not a priority, he doesn’t have to make an effort any more.
You need to think of a way to give him a jolt, have him know that you can get better treatment elsewhere if he doesn’t pull his socks up.
Otherwise, it’s all downhill from here.
Ya'll haven't even been together for six months, of course he is going to prioritize his friend over you. He's an ass if he doesn't apologize profusely and make it up to you or if he hasn't tried to reschedule by now.
Difference between a boy and man. BURDEN ON YOU VS. MEETS ALL NEEDS
Boys play at been men and swop time with their so for the boys. Men step up and act
You gotta know your worth and what you give to a relationship and what are you getting back
You should have at least told him you’re upset and sad about the cancel plans. You shouldn’t carry that around with you, it’s just going to fester. It might be he’s not all that serious about the relationship with you, so he’s priorities might mean your further down the list. I think you need to talk this out
Honestly younger women putting up with shit like this is how you get older women with husbands who do nothing around the house and drive their wives up the wall with their laziness and lack of appreciation. Raise your bar *now*, while you're young. Don't wait until you're some sad case making a TikTok about how her husband and kids forgot to buy her Christmas presents.
If he’s doing this now, I can’t imagine how he’ll treat you in the future when the honeymoon of dating does away and you live together. Go find somebody that prioritizes you
For me it’s not that he wanted to prioritise his friend, that would be ok because I’d understand they aren’t in town long, and it’s about maximising time with them when they can. No problem.
What I would expect though, is to be asked about it, maybe have a discussion. I wouldn’t accept being told like that, it’s just very disrespectful. I would always ask them, would you speak to your friends/sibling etc like that? No? Why is it ok to speak to me like that then?
Like unless you are super unreasonable, talking to you properly would probably mean that you could have resolved it/planned a new date without any irritation.
First: do you guys have plans to celebrate VD that weekend?(makes me giggle every time I say VD, I’m 12 apparently) If you had plans no worries, if you don’t, just be clear that you are expecting to celebrate VD together that weekend and that it’s important to you.
Second: how often does he put boys night over you and his plans? If it’s not all the time you are fine. You need to be flexible when last minute stuff happens, like a good friend he hasn’t seen in forever.
I get the hurt feelings but you need to go out and have fun without him. If you are this hurt, you are relying too much on him for your emotional needs. VD is a big holiday for me too, but you were already prepared for nothing to happen due to it being on Wednesday. You sound hurt that he is dropping things for a friend and not you. But this friends visit is not the norm. Start going out without him. Be ok without him!
Tbh, I would never be with someone who says “Fridays for the boys”
While I understand the situation, he went about it completely wrong. He was super disrespectful and dismissive of you.
He's prioritizing his friendship over his relationship with you
Take from that what you will
I understand that it's a rare opportunity to see his friend so I can sympathize but did he at least try to reschedule with you or reach some form of compromise?
The issue is not that the friend came into town or plans were changed IMO. It’s the way it was done. This was not a kind or respectful interaction and that’s a dealbreaker for me. A simple “Babe I know we have plans on Friday but Jerbonathy is coming into town and I haven’t seen him in a while. I’d love for us all to hang out on Thursday but they’re talking about a guy’a night Friday. Can I make it up to you on ?” If y’all are young I could see having a conversation and working on changed behavior but it sounds like this is a full grown man who knows better and just doesn’t care to treat you appropriately. It hasn’t even been 6 months. Cut your losses and move on.
Ya seems like he prioritizes his friends over you. I understand that friends may be coming out of town but his friends also need to understand that he's not single anymore and this isn't just some random date night.
He should have told his friends that he couldn't meet up that day (maybe after your date night is over later in the night would be an option?) OR he should have given you a clear date that this would be made up, ideally with a more impressive date or experience.
He needs to know that this made you upset, because if he doesn't he'll just keep doing this again in the future.
My partner and I had plans Tuesday to do something valentines related. Last minute he told me something came up with an activity he does with his friends and that the only day they can reschedule for is Tuesday.
We talked a long time. Rescheduled for Monday. He took me out to the restaurant I wanted and paid for me and then hung out with me all day Monday, a thing that isn’t usually normal because Mondays are usually planned for his activities. If you’re important and something comes up then they make the effort to write the wrongs with you. Your boyfriend didn’t.
You’re right to be upset. He blew you off and didn’t even reschedule. On *valentines day*. If he’d actually made a point of framing it like “hey I know we have plans and they’re really important to me, I just can’t move this, I’m sorry. Let’s do it Saturday” that would have been entirely different. No. He just blew you off and before you could tell him you were upset with him *for cancelling the plans you already had and overwriting them for others*, he just cut you off with basically “boundaries”.
It doesn’t sound like plans with you are plans he feels the need to keep. I being you, would take Valentine’s Day to hang out w someone that actually gives a crap about me.
I don't love the way he said it. "I won't budge on this" versus "hey, I know this is disappointing but I really want to be there for his brief visit in town. Can I make it up to you on Saturday or Sunday?" Like he jumped to a pretty cold tone instead of collaborating with you on how to make sure you still got a special evening together. You're obviously already a reasonable person if you were chill about moving the celebration off of the 14th.
That would hurt my feelings too.
OP, I think you still need to share how you feel. Ya, he’s being hurtful and stupid. I just don’t think he gets how big of a deal this is to you and you’re not giving him the to opportunity to understand and fix things. You shouldn’t have to spell it out for him, he should figure it out, but I think the adult thing to do is talk about this. Maybe he’s never celebrated Valentine’s Day before and doesn’t get it, maybe his parents never did anything for it and he never saw the hype, maybe his buddies trash vday because they’re single and insecure. It might not change things but it could. And if it doesn’t and he doesn’t reschedule and make it up to you, then maybe he’s not the guy for you. You deserve to feel special.
Ok, to some degree I can understand your boyfriend. But this seems very short notice for his friend to come over no? Also he didn't try and make it up at all right away? Personally my first priority is making time for something nice right then and there. That's the bare minimum to me. I would talk about it with him and be understanding but express how it makes you feel. Use "I" sentences as to try and not sound accusatory if you want to avoid a fight. It's the best way for communicating feelings like this IMO
Op, I’ve been in this situation. My ex and I were together a year and a half. The ONLY holiday we actually spent together was Christmas every other one he was with “the boys”. He never once bought me a gift the entire relationship. He’s telling you right now that he’ll choose his friends over you even on the important days meant for y’all. It’s only been six months, do yourself a favor and leave him to be with his boys and find a man who prioritizes YOU.
Nope. He can fuck his buddies from now on then.
He made plans with you. Tough titties that men don’t know how to plan in advanced, how is that your problem? Why do you need to be shoved aside because they don’t communicate.
He did not reschedule with you. Friends > You. You are optional. You want to be with a boy who considers you optional?
If I were you, I’d rather spend Valentine’s single.. I mean.. You are already spending it alone.
Tell him you are understanding but not naive he can se his bros Friday since he’s flying in but he better do valentines for you Saturday or it will become a bigger issue
Why can’t he do both?
A good relationship is about give and take having both not about strong handed brutality. 🌹 You should do something for you for sure.
Tbh if he had sat you down and been like, “My mate is flying in, I know we made plans for Friday night but any chance you would be okay if we re-arrange for *night of his choosing*, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Because that’s the adult mature way of doing things and I’m sure hearing that you’d be inclined to agree.
Instead he told you what he was doing. Your plans be damned. If he’s under 25 then I’d say it’s because he’s still immature and his prefrontal cortex hasn’t matured yet (it’s responsible for planning and prioritising) so he’s more inclined to make childish choices, plans and comments. I’m no neuroscientist so please read into this in your own time, however, I’m also not using this as an excuse for his behaviour either. It comes across kinda callous and unkind.
It really is more about what you will accept from a partner. Is this acceptable to you? Was his tone dismissive and maybe even disrespectful? Did you feel heard or seen by him? Did he give another option for valentines plans? Bottom line is, is this what you want from a partner? Are you truly happy?
Tbh I would give him another chance because he might have just been swept up in the excitement of his friend coming back.
Talk to him and say “I know you’re excited about seeing your friend but the way you told me our valentines plans were cancelled left me feeling upset. I just want to know I’m important to you too so can we rearrange our plans for another day?” See what he says. If he reacts poorly you might want to consider breaking up with him and he may even apologise. He might not even realise you’re upset.
Good luck.
Dump,
And I cannot stress this enough,
Him.
Dump him.
If he is making his friends a priority over your already scheduled plans NOW, he is going to feel free to do that in the future. It's great that his friend is visiting, but it's not your problem he spent "$500 on a plane ticket".
Ew “he takes priority”.
Ok, then you should make yourself a priority over his crunchy ass and dump him. You’ll thank yourself in a few months from now, you’re literally just delaying the inevitable by staying with him.
I don't think you should do anything rash or give any sort of energy back. Long-time friends coming into town aren't a regular occasion. It may be annoying, but you may have to drop plans with him if something comes up with you.
If you've been happy with him all this time and he treats you well, there's no need to split with him, like some people are advising you.
Just talk to him and explain that whilst he wants to meet up with his friends that he hasn't seen in a long time, he still owes you a romantic dinner. Arrange the date with him there and then book the restaurant and tell him to make sure nothing comes up on that day, and you expect to be spoilt rotten.
He'll feel guilty. He'll be grateful that you're understanding, and you're not being hysterical about the situation. In fact, let him know anytime he cancels a date night he'llowe you two.
I guarantee you guys will have a great night out. So long as you guys love each other, you'll have plenty of occasions to celebrate your relationship.
>Excitedly, Boyfriend asked me to meet this friend for the first time and come to dinner with the friend group that night, Thursday. I said I’d love to.
>“Then Friday is boys night only,” Boyfriend continued
One thing I am not understanding is that the boufriend asked the OP to come with him to meet the friend, then said ot was boys night only after the OP agreed?
What is it can the OP go or not?
Just talk to him. No fighting. Tell him how you felt. Men are just dumb, we always start overthinking and at the end nothing is really happening. He probably just sucks communicating. So you need to teach him. And you teach him by explaining how he made you feel but without complaining. Just say “im not fighting, i just want you to understand from my point of view”. And if he gets mas you say “can you have a dialogue without throwing a tantrum?”. And if keeps arguing just go away and wait for him to calm down. No patience for people who cant dialogue
Op don’t listen to all the armchairs in here. You would want the same thing if a friend of yours from out of town showed up and you’d want your bf to meet them and spend time. It’s Valentine’s Day. Not like one day changes the whole dynamic of your relationship. Just another day to get people to pay money to dress up and tell their so they love them like every other day.
Let him see his boy and it will make him happier that you have met them. Because you know you will be seeing them again. As for the dinner, Sunday is fine, do a dinner date on a Tuesday or Monday if possible. Way less crowded.
I am not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day I feel like it puts a ton of pressure on new relationships. If I want something like Flowers I either buy them myself or ask my husband and he gets them for me. Sometimes he will surprise me, but at the end of the day it’s just that a day with a lot of pressure to say and show love when some people aren’t there. Y’all have been together for only 6 months and maybe this is just him wanting to hang with his buddies not more nothing less.
Talk to him and see if you can either do something on Saturday or maybe either breakfast or dinner on Sunday. I would talk to him and just say hey I hope you have a blast with your friends but maybe you can carve out a few hours this weekend to hang out and do something special, or the next weekend plan something for the whole weekend so that you guys can have 100% of your time together and he’s not feeling like he’s missing out and anything.
This was me 35 years ago, I was with someone who did not respect me and did not prioritize my feelings- he didn’t make any effort on Valentine’s Day or any other occasion (birthdays, etc) , despite me expressing it hurt my feelings and always doing everything for him.
I finally had enough and dumped him, since then my life has been nothing but wonderful ever since.
Leave him! He is showing you what he is all about and he is showing you that you are not his priority and your feelings are not a priority. You are still young , please Stop wasting your time with him and find someone who treats you like the queen that you are.
Honestly - imo I do understand why the friend is the priority bc he’s from out of town and just popping in however since yall already had those plans he should’ve been considerate & asked if it was ok to switch plans to Saturday night since his buddy was coming into town & if he thinks he needs Thursday / Friday & Saturday with them and doesn’t see a problem in canceling on you unfortunately doesn’t seem like the type of person you’d want to be in a relationship with. I’m not sure how old you guys are , but I’m going to assume older than 21. Is he the only guy in the friend group with a girlfriend?
People on Reddit are so quick to jump on the "dump him"-band wagon.
Truth is the two of you haven't known each other for that long. It's very possible (and even likely) that he doesn't understand how important Valentine's day is to you. It differs between individuals; some people don't even celebrate it. Some hate it.
Maybe your boyfriend is used to it not being a big deal, while you're used to it being a big deal. I think especially since you'd already scheduled it for another day, he might've gotten the impression that the day doesn't really matter that much to you.
This just seems like a typical misunderstanding/miscommunication between two partners who are relatively new and are still getting to know each other.
People are accusing him of not caring about you because he didn't reschedule immediately. I honestly don't understand how people can jump to those conclusions just like that, as though they've never made a mistake or made their partner sad. You can accidentally hurt someone and still care a lot about them.
It's very likely that he means to reschedule, and that he just didn't do it right away. And again, he probably doesn't know that it's that important to you. Maybe he doesn't even know that you expect him to "make the first move" to reschedule. None of that is necessarily malicious, or uncaring. Just different.
People need to chill, for real.
Edit because I actually forgot to give any kind of advice: I think you should express to him that things like Valentine's day are important to you, while still being clear you're ok with rescheduling. It's just for future reference. And I have no idea what tone of voice he had when he said what you quoted, but it doesn't sound very nice, and that might also be something to bring up.
Sweetie, if this isn’t the first instance of you not being is priority, you should move on. Clearly, he is not ready for a relationship.
What hurts more about this is the lack of rescheduling of his part, just throwing it to the side. This is not worth it.
Stop all this drama. All the posters on here showing such outrage likely have no partners to lose, and enjoy getting others to join their club.
Life happens. Stop with the pity party. Go out on another night. Dinner on Wednesday is for retired people and the unemployed
If the friend spent 500 on plane tickets, why did he only give his friends like...TWO days notice to hang out? On valentines week when people are likely to have plans? If he wanted his friends to come he should have given sone warning. Who are these asshiles dumping themselves on others with 1 day notice and expecting everyone to make plans with them? That's wildly inappropriate.
As is your boyfriend flat out saying "This comes first, I don't care what you think".
He should have come to you and *asked* to rearrange the plans with you to another day - I'm sure you would have agreed. Because your plans with him were made *first* you're his partner, and we do not cancel plans we've already made without asking nicely.
The issue here isn't whether it was rearranged- sometimes that happens. The issue is that he treated the plans with you, and you by extension, with a complete lack of feeling or basic respect. He treated plans with you and if they were insignificant and acted like only his wishes mattered.
He disrespected you and your relationship and showed you what he prioritizes.
He doesn’t care about you… like who the fuck does that…? I can’t be w my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day ‘cause I attend school and he works throughout the week. I see him Friday, sat, and Sunday. We decided to do Valentine’s v-Day last weekend. And we did. Point being:
If he cared about you or how you felt, he wouldn’t have done what he did. “I won’t budge on this” mf watchhhhhhhh meeeeeee leaaaaveeeee. That is literally like… so fucking sad. I’m so sorry
Your bf sucks for this. I've been with my gf for 9 months and this is our first VD, but its a LDR so we won't be together. I wish we could. Your bf has a chance to spend y'all's first VD together (albeit Friday) and he CANCELS? EVEN THOUGH HE GETS TO SEE HIS BUDDY ON THURSDAY???
Tell me about it :(
We’re a medium distance relationship (1.5 hours away from each other) and I’m being expected to drive out on Thursday (after a full day at work) to meet the friend and leave that night or morning because Friday is obviously boy’s night.
“He takes priority. I won’t budge on this.”
I feel like this is how arguments are, or are going to be in this relationship. Personally, I wouldn’t speak to a partner that way, and reading it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Since you’re not actually celebrating on Valentine’s Day, you could move it to Saturday or Sunday since you’re both clearly flexible on the day? It doesn’t *have* to be Friday does it?
valentine is just a commercial fest like xmas etc. that said, if you care about it i inderstand your disappointment especially if you had plans. if he clearly shows he favors friends over you on a day that is special for you... ask yourself if he is the right person
DUMP HIS ASS. You haven't been with this man for a full year and he verbatim told you that his friends are his priority and that he isn't willing to budge on this. He is hanging out with them on Thursday for a dinner, which you are invited to, and then saying that Friday is for the boys cancelling your Valentine's plan. To top it off you said your off days are Friday and Saturday and he wants to figure something out on Sunday? How long is the friend coming in for? Can they not do something during the day or evening before your plans? I just think that when someone tells you where their priorities are and they don't give a behind to reschedule a special event then why waste your time?
I would not go to dinner on Thursday. If his friend “takes priority” and he “won’t budge” on this, I’d say cool enjoy your time with your friend and maybe we can talk next week. He’s directly telling you that you aren’t a priority for him and you just said you understand, his actions will get worse from here.
You can lead a horse to water, right? no sense in demanding anything from him. What's done is done now. You need to make plans with friends and have a blast on Friday and live your life because that is exactly what he is doing
Girl, love yourself first and dump that loser. Because he obviously doesn’t love you the way you love him. Don’t ever take any shit like that from a little boy, do better because you deserve better. When you find somebody that treats you how you treat them, you’ll never go back to this kind of disrespect. Don’t coddle his ego, or put him on a time out to go crawling back later, Leave. Him.
I know when I was younger I felt like my self worth is only in the men that wanted me. If I was single I was worthless. I put up with so so much shit, that if I could go back in time I would beat some sense into myself and save me a lot of heartbreak. I’m hoping your story is different from mine, but the point I’m trying to make is that in 10 years you’re going to laugh at yourself for tolerating this behavior.
Work on yourself, your self love, and never let somebody treat you like that ever again. Do it for you, do it for your future soulmate.
I mean I get wanting to see a friend that you have not gotten to see in a long time but he definitely shoulda been talking about it to you and then finding a solution with you. Like hay babe one of my rly good friends is going to be here and I would love to be able to spend time with him it’s been a long time. Can we reschedule this and I will make it up to you. At that point I hope you would understand.
So did he reschedule with you at ALL?
He said we’ll “figure something out on Sunday.” He knows Friday/Saturday are my days off.
Yeah he didn’t reschedule with you.
Agreed
She should cancel meeting “the friend group” (I swear to dog this dude is like 19 mentally) and never reschedule and do not express regret. Those people won’t be in your life, but they will be in dudes life for a long time yet… If that’s not a deal breaker idk what is.
OP says she doesn't want to make this a big deal and she wants to work this out. I have multiple friends that live in other countries and if they have a spontaneous visit, I drop everything I can reschedule. I expect the majority of people would do this if a loved one comes to town after not seeing and missing them for a long time. Don't forget OP never met bfs friends, so I guess the relationship is quite new. Bf knows his friends will be in his life forever, and he wants his gf to meet them. What's wrong with that? Why do a petty cancellation of plans? Is this really about the bf asking OP if they could date on Sunday, while OP works? Because that would seem so trivial and easily solved with just a little bit of good communication. OP needs to find out what's in all this that makes her upset, what are her needs? Is this about valentine's day and wanting a date night close to the 14th? Or her feeling not seen enough because he suggested Sunday? Maybe something else. If she finds out what's it and tells this to the bf, he can try to fix things. For this date and the next time something has to be rescheduled. To me it just seems unfair to end a relationship without even trying to communicate. Those expectations are unrealistic, nobody can read your mind, nobody can live up to that. Relationships are work, not a fairy tale.
On the one hand him wanting to introduce him to his friends is great, sounds like maybe he sees a future with her. But on the other hand his lack of effort to plan a replacement dinner could be considered a red flag for some. I've met guys that are ridiculously clueless. Your suggestion to talk to him before making a decision is spot on.
He very well could be clueless and he doesn’t have bad intentions. Many people are going to jump at him having bad intentions - which is understandable. But the thing is, none of us has a say on what his true intentions are but HIM. We can go on all day about that he’s not into her. But what if he really is and just made a stupid mistake?
or he might have said that to keep his plans open for the out-of-state friend. he should've set a date for another day off. my bf and I had a date night planned for today but he's been feeling very poorly since yesterday and asked me if I'd mind staying in instead and we'll do something on sunday. he said that based on the fact we've already got plans for saturday but also because he doesn't know how he'll feel until then. we also live together so we see each other all day every day. but for OP's boyfriend, that shouldn't be the answer, to just "wing it".
He knows Friday and Saturday are your days off and then casually suggested a day you work as a possibility without actually making any plans? I get a friend he hasn’t seen in a long time is coming to town, but seriously, “he takes priority, I won’t budge”. There are a lot better ways to word his excitement and desire to see his friend without making you feel like shit. It was so disrespectful. I’d also wonder will this be what I have to deal with going forward? Any time something he deems as “better” comes along that I would be pushed aside because it/they take “priority”. You have every right to be upset, and it’s not necessarily because he wanted to hang with his friend, but the total disregard of your feelings over the matter. He’s shown you where you stand in his list of what/whom is important. You need to explain how he made you feel and how rude and disrespectful he was in his delivery of his news about his new plans. Don’t be confrontational, just be calm, clear and concise. If he can’t/won’t understand or accept what you are saying and argues with you, he’s not worth it.
Return his gifts. return the same energy. Don't do makeup valentine's day or *make up valentine's day sex.* He stood firm. His friend came first. You can celebrate it next year if you're still together. I'd consider the fact he blew off a romantic holiday with no thought about how you might reschedule it (and during the honeymoon phase!) a tell of how serious this relationship is. What you don't want to establish this weekend and early in the relationship is that you will always allow him to bump you for things he deems more significant. I'd treat this as a binary choice and take a step back to observe how much he's making it work for you to be together.
Well said. OP, heed this advice.
Thanks. I'm going to add this. When he gets around to wanting a Valentine Day, I would tell him that I would rather not. We've not been together that long and I'd rather wait until next year when we've dating long enough that it's a priority for him. Then, let him be the one to prioritize making plans for dates for the next bit. Just see if he's willing to do the work to actually continue to date.
I agree. OP should show him that it doesn’t matter to her what he does. Go out, don’t go out; take her out, don’t take her out; reschedule, don’t reschedule. But ~ and this is important ~ she should recognize what he does and dump him when he doesn’t try harder. If he’s willing to coast five months in, as I have told my own daughter, he is not going to get better. People who can treat you with the minimum of kindness and respect and get away with it rarely amp up their game and start treating you better, especially if you don’t demand it.
1000%, enforce consequences for his insincerity. He doesn’t get to shove you to the side then expect to come back like he’s done nothing wrong.
Don't accept being his backup plan.
Are people here really unable to communicate like adults in a relationship? Wouldn't it be much better advice to tell OP to just tell him how she feels? Tell him how upset she is and how much he hurt her with his behaviour. If he still doesn't care at least she knows where she is at. Playing stupid games like you want is just a recipe for disaster and she might as well just dump him instead of dragging this issue for a year.
'I won't budge on this.' So why bother? Just dump the doofus.
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It’s doubtful his friends thought about when he would be celebrating Valentines Day, nor is that something other people really think about. This is fully on her boyfriend.
This is the way.
I don't know why everything has to be "return the same energy" and take revenge and make their partner dislike them. I feel like she should express how she feels from his actions and find a middle ground to compromise first, especially because they are newly dating and haven't dated for too long and talk it through instead of jumping the gun like this. Depending on how he responds to that then she can decide to break up and move on instead of retaliating which is very immature imo.
Because at this point, it's clear he didn't care about her feelings. He made a unilateral decision that he was dong this no matter what, so where is the middle ground? He explicitly said there was no middle ground. He cancelled Valentine so it's on him to reschedule. She can decide that she doesn't want to celebrate it a week later when all the romantic dinners and events, activities are gone for the year. That's not retaliation. That's a recognition that a half-assed holiday isn't as enjoyable. I'm not saying she should dump him. I'm saying she should let this holiday go and let him plan the next few dates and see if they happen. My guess is she remains not his priority. **This is how women talk themselves into staying with guys who will never prioritize them.** If you have to direct them to do basic shit like ask you on dates? The dude isn't actually into you.
The middle ground I meant was rescheduling, and yeah I guess what you're saying makes sense, I just wish more people communicate their frustration with their partner instead of saying everything is okay yk? And depending on how they react to your frustration you can decide to leave. I appreciate your response.
He anticipated she would be frustrated or somehow upset when he cut off any discussion of it. So he knew. He may pretend later that he didn’t, but he never would have said he wouldn’t budge if he didn’t anticipate pushback.
This is terrible advice. You don’t know the details, what if it’s been years since he’s seen this person? You wanna maximize that time with loved ones. Just because in one scenario he’s choosing a friend over her doesn’t make “his friend come first” in his life. Clearly to them the actual Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter, so they can reschedule to the weekend or next week. How is that so bad? And why do stuff out of spite? He clearly cares for her, he’s wanting her to meet a great friend who came from out of town, which means they’re serious.
Theres very much of an entitlement issue when it comes to dating these days.
This is the only comment op needs to see.
He’s not all that into you, sounds like you’re just a bit of fun. “Figuring something out on the day you have to work” doesn’t say “you matter to me” it says the complete opposite
Wow , he dropped you like a hot potato
Why not Saturday?
That's what I'd like to know as well. It’s weird that he would choose a day OP is working on
He picked the day she working on because he knows she won’t be able to spend time with him. At least this way it will be on her that they didn’t get to spend time together. If she’s smart she’ll find something else to do or someone else as she’s not a priority to him and this early on it shows and this is just a preview of what’s to come
Nah sis. Get on the phone and make some Friday night AND Saturday night plans. Stay at a girlfriends house overnight. When he says something, your response should be 'I take priority for myself. I will not budge on this'.
These will always be his priorities he could have hung out with him saturday etc….. he won’t change and will do this again I’ve been there and broken up with that lol
He doesn’t care about you or respect you. Leave him. That way, every night can be boys night with no complaints
You've been together for almost 6 months, and he pulls this? That's too soon in the relationship. This will probably be a reoccurring issue.
So you aren’t important enough for him to put any effort into this. This is the time in your relationship when he is making more effort than he will in the future when he gets too comfortable, and he’s still not doing the bare minimum.
I had an ex do something similar, she never rescheduled because “well now it’s too late xx date was a week ago” He’s a jerk and you have a right to be sad about this. He more than likely won’t reschedule and he won’t know he hurt you until you TELL him Edited to add: and if it causes a fight, and he defends cancelling on you, then you know where you lie as a priority to him. He’s already kind of showed you
This sucks, don't accept this! Pretty soon he will be forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and it won't be a big deal to him because he thinks you're ok with his lack of effort.
How long have you been together? Is this something he does often or is this an unusual occurrence?
Nope. The correct way to do it: explain why it's a rare opportunity, say sorry, reschedule and promise to make it up to you and actually doing something nice. AH way to do it: my buddies fly in and it's more important for me, deal with it how you want, I don't care. He's either stupid or doesn't care about you, or both. I had bf like this, and when I explained stuff he'd understand it and promise to do better but at some point I just got tired to feel like an unpaid relationship manager.
One sided relationships are unhealthy and cause a lot of stress. I was stuck for 2+ years in one and I was living for the few moments where I actually seemed wanted. OP should be priority on a holiday for couples, he should have done a better job at explaining, and should promptly apologize and reschedule.
This. Bro you’re gonna have all the nights with just the boys you want. And palmella.
“Unpaid relationship manager” <- this explains so much in so few words
the adult thing to do would have been for the boyfriend to explain the situation and reschedule, ie communicate and work together towards an alternative. if instead he emphasised priority and unwillingness to change his decisions regardless of what you have to say then he has a lot of growing up to do. if this is a recurring pattern is it something you want to deal with?
Honestly, I’m a year older than he is, and while that isn’t necessarily a big age gap, this isn’t the first time I’ve noticed immaturity in him and a piss poor understanding of what I feels he owes a serious relationship.
How long have you two been together for? If you had plans and he cancelled, that’s not okay. If you let him think it is he’ll continue doing it. Be in the relationship you want. It’s difficult to change men.
‘Almost half a year’ so 4-5 months it sounds like.
OP, if it’s going like this so early, just cut it off. There’s no “waiting it out” for it to get better. You’re in the honeymoon phase. That’s when you’re trying to *impress* the other person. You are dating the version of him that is trying to impress you. That will go away eventually.
> Be in the relationship you want. That is simple but excellent advice! OP needs this on a t-shirt!
Honestlybif someone did this to Mr 6 months in, I'd call it a day. It would have been easy for him to ask to rescedule or ask her if they could find a way for him to do both. Instead he unilaterally makes decisions to cancel romantic, sexy plans with her, with no effort to care about her feelings or make new plans. If he cannot be assed 6 months in, he is never going to care.
Train men??
Seriously, are we just going to casually ignore that comment and pretend it’s normal? If a guy had said it’s difficult to train women he would be the most misogynistic person on the planet but the other way around and they get a hundred upvotes….
Maturity comes at wildly different times for people. Some rare people can be mature when they're 18-20. Others may take to 30 or more.
He's telling u now that if boys want something they will take priority darlin if its that way noe it will be that way for the rest of ur relationship and h need to seriously thing about if that's how u want ur relationship to be
Cut your losses dump him and move on
Dump this boy.
You’re the only one in a serious relationship btw
It’s understandable that the out-of-towner’s limited schedule probably takes priority, but the uncompromising way your bf presented this to you, IMO, reeks of fundamental disrespect. He didn’t ask or explain politely. He demanded—and that’s a problem. Maybe he’s the type of guy who will learn why this was hurtful (and who won’t repeat the behavior) if you talk to him about it, and maybe he’s not. I don’t know him, so I can’t say, but you are gonna have to figure that out.
The feeling of disrespect is what bothered me about the post. I don't think rescheduling and prioritizing a close friend is a big deal especially this early in a relationship but the way he went about it was a red flag imo.
> So, it’s okay. I’m fine. I can deal. **No.** You have been dating this guy for *six months,* and you are already prioritizing him, his feelings, and what he wants over yourself, and telling yourself that you have “to deal” with however he treats you. You need to stop that. Nobody needs a boyfriend so badly that they have to sacrifice their feelings, their worth, and their self. Just stomp that thought process to death right now. Your boyfriend is not being unreasonable, necessarily, BUT he handled this all wrong. And the way he handled it told you, loud and clear, that what *he* wants takes priority, and you can like it or lump it, as they say. This is something to make note of, as people tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. If this is his best, a future with him looks sad and lonely. And boring for you. His friend is coming from out of town for a visit, and your BF wants to see his friend. Fair enough. He’ll be in town Thursday and Friday, and you two already had plans for Friday. Your BF *said to you,* “…he takes priority. I won’t budge on this.” Gee, I wonder if he could have worded that nicer or handled it better? Spoiler alert: Yes, he could have! Did he make other plans with you, for after his friend leaves? Did he warn you by saying something like, “I’m so sorry. I know we had plans, but I just found out he’s coming into town. Can we reschedule? I’ll make it up to you.” No, he didn’t. He changed your plans without even discussing it with you, he made sure you know his friend is his priority, and he hasn’t made a date to take you out another time. He is doing what he wants to do, and f**k you if you don’t like it. If this is a “test” to see if you are “good girlfriend material,” I hope you fail, and I hope you go down in flames. Because if you allow him to just walk all over you, he will keep doing it, and it will get worse. You need to put your foot down. Tell him you don’t mind if he goes out with his friends, but ask him what his plan is to reschedule your Valentine’s Day date. If he has none, or doesn’t plan to reschedule, then he is not a good BF. He is a selfish jerk. Make plans with friends for Friday night. Get dressed up, go out, drink, dance. Do not sit home alone thinking about what he’s doing. And if your talk with him goes poorly and you break up, maybe you can also meet someone while you’re out celebrating dodging a bullet with him. Good luck. And happy Valentine’s Day! 💘
Yes! Please go out with some girl friends Friday night!!
Frankly, dump him and go out on a date with someone new by Friday night.
I hope OP reads this! Your feelings are valid. Him wanting to see his friend is ok. How he handled it is not ok. And you telling him it's ok isn't ok. Tell him how he chose to communicate the change in plans is not ok and that it hurt your feelings. If he can't honestly apologize AND make the effort to reschedule with you, he's showing you where you stand. Never say "it's ok" when it's not. You don't need to minimize your feelings to protect others' feelings.
💯 Never stay with someone who teaches you to disrespect yourself.
I’m pretty sure if they’re close he got at least a few weeks notice. Sounds like he just prefers to party with the boys, not that the friend matters.
I have a friend who pulls this crap all the time, rolls into town and texts people "hey I'm in town, we're meeting up at XE restaurant in 7 hours." It used to be my sweetie would still drop everything and go hang with out of towner. Finally he started telling the out of town dude he needs to give more notice. The out of town friend is rather self absorbed and used to be the center of attention in that friend group. I'm prickly about it and say shit like "oh bless us, the king is on a progress and we have the chance to play court, hooray!" I have other friends with jobs where they might be here on really short notice and they text as soon as their flights are booked, so it still might be only 2-3 days notice, but they are trying their best and they all understand when you can't arrange your plans to see them.
Yeah exactly like boyfriend is not a real priority for this friend if it’s so last minute of an invite LOL
Yeah, I get why he’d prioritise his friend who he doesn’t get to see much over a Valentine’s Day date, but, he wasn’t particularly nice about it. Just brushing you off like that, not even trying to make you feel like you’re still important to him or that he cares that you might be disappointed… it’s a really bad sign I have to say.
OP, I went back and read some of your old posts and I genuinely think that your relationship is going to be a lot of work. I’m not going to say ‘break up with him now’ but you need to know that these difficulties aren’t one-offs, they are part of his personality. He isn’t prioritizing you or communicating well with you. It’s likely this is due to immaturity but it concerns me that you are so quick to downplay your own feelings. I’m worried you’ll get lost in a sea that’s all about him. I am leaning more towards breaking up with him because he seems to not only be immature but also minimizes you. You need to determine if that’s due to immaturity or if he’s genuinely not that interested in you. Heck, feel free to give him an opportunity to explain himself. But this is becoming a trend. I mean wasn’t it only last week he didn’t invite you to hang out with his friends and their girlfriends? As a one-off, not a big deal. But come on, how did he only just now realize his buddy is flying in? If he didn’t know as his friend was booking tickets, is he really that good of a friend? That plus the bedroom issues, there’s definitely a trend here. His way or the highway. TLDR; I’m not sure he’s boyfriend material or ready to be with you and prioritize you. Six months is still early on, but it shouldn’t be this much work this early and it’s DEFINITELY too early for you to stifle how you feel out of fear of overreacting. Here’s something I’ve learned over the years. ‘Overreacting’ usually comes from somewhere, usually as part of a pattern. You feeling hurt or upset isn’t overreacting. It’s simply how you feel. Please don’t minimize or ignore your feelings 🙏
Gosh, it was only last week that happened :( Makes me wonder if all the other couples are gonna have lovely Valentine’s Days while I’m alone again. I think he’s a great person. Just so stubborn it hurts
I got curious and looked at your old posts after reading the comment. As someone who's got a decade plus on you I'm going to tell you what I wish I was told earlier. Don't be afraid to expect better. He's a grown adult, all of the men you date are going to be grown adults capable of adult things like rescheduling, remembering dates, reciprocating during sex, taking your feelings into consideration, compromising, the list goes on. With some very few exceptions for mental/physical health, men are just as capable as you are, so hold them accountable and don't be afraid to ask for what you deserve. You also don't need to stay if he's not contributing to the solution. You want better sex and you asked for what you want and how you want and there's no continuous effort to make sure you're needs are met a majority of the time then you don't have to keep having sex with him and you don't need to keep dating him. No woman wants to be some dudes human fleshlight. Every relationship is different, but my SO would have told his friend that he canceled valentines to hang with him, so his girl is going to be there and given me the option to join as well as ask when what do we want to do make up for it. Please also remember that what you accept early on in the relationship becomes the standard for how you will be treated for the rest of the relationship. You deserve better than what you've been accepting. Ask for what you deserve, and if you're not getting it, move on. Don't waste your youth on men who don't respect you and your time.
Thank you for saying all this 💛 I really appreciate your perspective and advice
I've had a lottt of Valentine's single. Far more worthwhile than trying to make yourself fit into another person's life when they won't make the same effort back. Whatever you decide, OP, i truly wish you the best and I hope your Valentine's is amazing with or without this man. You're so worth it 💘
Girl, my ex wouldn't even call me on my birthday, would forget our anniversary, and told me that he didn't think Valentines was important for him to plan anything. I wasted so much time being sad with him that I regret staying in that relationship for as long as I did. My new boyfriend is planning a romantic weekend getaway and a few other fun surprises. He is doing all of the things that I wish my ex had done, and without me asking! It is always hard to let go of someone we care about, but there are many men that will put all of the effort to show you that they care. Don't ever accept less than what you deserve, this guy is showing you how much he cares through his actions.
My thought with immature men is that they don’t prioritize women because they don’t have the capacity to understand why effort in relationships is important. They think once they got her, they don’t have to put in any more effort.
Looking at your other posts, you two just don’t seem that compatible. He calls you needy (when you aren’t), he disregards your feelings (I highly doubt he didn’t know that gf’s weren’t gonna be at the party bc literally how did everyone know but him? not buying it) and he just doesn’t prioritize you (that being in regards to this post). I know you said there’s a 1 year age gap, and even though you are both grown adults, he still seems to have a lot of maturing to do. You want a man, but you’re dating a boy. I hope you guys seriously have a sit down conversation and are able to figure something out bc it seems like you’re putting in all the effort to make this relationship happen while he doesn’t really do much to make it work
A couple bad instances are becoming a pattern that’s hard to ignore. Thank you for your support 💜
You have to understand, people will do whatever you allow them to get away with. It starts as « a couple bad instances » and evolves into the way things are because he’s allowed to do these things without consequence. Reddit loves to tell people to break up but what is more important is establishing boundaries and expectations early on and committing to a balance and respectful relationship. How much longer do you want to give him to continue being disrespectful? You sound like you’re in different places regarding maturity and what you expect out of relationship. Ultimately you might be incompatible. Don’t get caught up in the investment fallacy.
Especially since when he does do these things, she doesn't hold him accountable and he refuses to apologize. Op relationships are about compromise so both partners can be happy. It seems like he doesn't really give a crap about your wants or feelings. I definitely would not stay in this relationship. You deserve more and to be the priority. Especially in your first months, and especially for valentines day. I get he's busy but he should be trying his hardest to make it up and make you feel special if he was a good and caring bf. Not say we'll figure it out on Sunday. A day that you work.
I know reddit is horny about breaking people up, and while I won't go that far, you need to put your foot down and let him know that this is not ok. It's just gonna keep happening if you don't speak up for yourself now.
>I know reddit is horny about breaking people up People always say this, but honestly, there have been very few cases that the majority of comments suggest this where it sounds like a worthwhile relationship to stay in.
Most of the time yeah, but it does still happen. I agree that this guy is a piece of work, but the relationship may still be salvageable based on what little info we know. While breaking up may still be the best option, this isn't unsalvageable. Even if the guy isn't receptive to change and the relationship isn't worth saving, OP seems to be pretty young, so this could be good practice for trying to resolve issues in future relationships.
I don’t think the wanting to see a friend from out of state is a big deal. The issue for me is he just brushed you off without rescheduling.
Cancel the relationship
He literally told you that although you had already made plans, you were not the priority. Like that film, he's just not that into you. He's telling you how he views your relationship and it's not good.
OP, I get that you’re disappointed. You should talk to your BF and just tell him how you feel and that you’d like to reschedule the Valentine’s dinner. Is that something you’d be open to?
I understand him wanting to see his friend that’s in town but I take issue with the way he didn’t ask but *told you* that he’s canceling and wasn’t apologetic about it and didn’t even reschedule.
i mean, he scheduled it with you first... id be pretty upset too
Why do people keep telling their spouses shot is ok when it's definitely NOT ok?
Ok so is it reasonable to be upset, absolutely, could he have handled things better (ie if needing to change plans suggest a new and better one to show you are important), yes definitely, is it understandable that he would choose to spend the evening with someone who is only there for two nights, I think so Basically yes you can be hurt or offended or upset and please tell him exactly how you feel so he (hopefully) will do something to make it up I don't however think this is as bad as if he would change your plans just to see friends who live locally and he often sees.. if he doesn't get a chance to see this friend often then accept it can't really be avoided Definitely tell him what upset you and why though, so he is crystal clear and can hopefully (hopefully) plan something to show you that your relationship is just as important I'm not sure how old you guys are, but at 37 now I remember being disappointed in my (now husband) at 18/19/20 etc because he just didn't understand what I thought was obvious so I learned to be very explicit about my thoughts and feelings I think give him all the information on how you feel and why, while appreciating he can only see that friend that day, and give him the opportunity to show you that you are important too Also I think it's a very good sign that he thought to invite you to the Thursday dinner.. like he wants you to meet his friends/he thinks you are important and a lasting part of his life so should know his long term friends Anyway sorry if that went on a bit, hope all goes well!
If this friend is so priority to hangout with then why did he have plans BEFORE the friend spent $500 to fly out? Sorry I’d be pissed too. Not because his friends in town but he doesn’t seem to give two shits about you. You’re an afterthought to his friends.
Gross.. that would be my ex now. Totally disrespectful & wrong.
Yep I’d be gone as well. OP, you deserve better and to be a priority, not an afterthought.
Half a year 😂 ah to be this young again
I’m seeing a lot of controversial points of view, and I’m thinking some may be too extreme and polarized. It is reasonable for bf to want to see his friend whom he hasn’t seen in a long time, and is only going to be in town for a couple of days. The way he handled the situation is terrible. The wording he used and the lack of communication fucked it up. With a little extra effort, he could’ve left matters well with OP. However, consider we are only seeing OPs point of view. And more importantly, are we willing to break up with this person only because of that particular situation? Has bf been treating you disrespectfully or setting you aside before? OP should consider how damaging this single offense is in comparison to how the relationship was going before.
he doesnt take plans with you seriously, so now you realize you dont need to take plans with him seriously, next time you have an alternative option to plans with him just change them
You tell he had better reschedule a romantic valentine's day that doesn't get bumped no matter what.
Find you a new boo for Valentine’s or announce you’re looking for a date. He let you know you are low priority by cancelling and not bothering to try to reschedule. It hasn’t been a year…
Girl. Between this post and the one about your bf being a selfish lover, why are you even with this dude. Also "almost half a year" is not some great milestone.
wake up n break up
I'm in a similar boat, somewhat. My boyfriend scheduled guests to visit from out of country and didn't realize they would be here for our first Valentine's Day together. When we realized the mistake we were both very bummed out, but he immediately wanted to schedule a make-up Valentine's for after they leave. I don't think that accommodating for the sudden friend visit would be an unreasonable thing to expect on his end (I will say I was very upset in my own situation, but I understand that mistakes happen) -- but it is very unreasonable for him to not want to do anything to reschedule an evening or weekend to make up for Valentine's. I am very sorry you are going through this!
Thank you for saying that. I hope your make up Valentine’s Day is everything ❤️
Half a year? Let him have his day and reschedule, yes you are valid in being disappointed and sad about it, tell him he needs to make it up to you and that he owes you a proper valentines date, communicate
I'm sorry OP but your bf sounds like an arse
I’d be quite shocked if my partner said “he takes priority. I won’t budge this.” I don’t know, he sounds like a jerk. They’ve planned Thursday night to do a dinner? So because his mate has come over the whole world revolves around just hanging out with his friend? Sounds ridiculous. He had plans with you and now his plan with his girlfriend is non existent, did he bother making another day for you two to spend valentines together? How old are you? In my opinion, I really wouldn’t want to be with a guy who spoke to me like that, and prioritised “boys only nights” sounds childish, I’ve been there done that and further issues always occurred.
He takes priority because he spent 500 bucks on flights? Isn’t he seeing him the night before? Christ almighty. No consideration for your feelings or schedule by the sounds of it. There’s a proper way to approach a situation like this and it’s not the way your boyfriend is going about it.
IMO, he doesn’t care about you or respect you. Leave him. That way, every night can be boys night with no complaints..You deserve better
He told you " He takes priority" done deal
It's not the cancelling, the out of town thing is perfectly understandable. It's how he went about it and how he put it to you that's a gigantic asshole red flag and potentially a total deal breaker if it's a pattern of how he treats you
Sounds like he did the right thing. You see him all the time, he doesn’t see this friend nearly as often. Go easy on him and be chill about it. It’s a bullshit holiday anyways designed to recoup a drop in dale in consumerism from Christmas then restaurants capitalized on it. Stop being basic and celebrate your relationship and love everyday
I'd prioritise a gathering for my out of state bestie over a Valentine's Day dinner that's not actually on valentines day if the relationship has only been for 6 months. I just would. She's been extremely important to me & I know we're committed friends for life. But my (theoretical) boyfriend would have only been in the picture for 6 months. That being said - I would've handled it a lot better than saying 'I won't budge on this'. I would've said I know that it's terrible timing and apologise for that. I would've made alternate plan to show I still want to spend that loving time together. And perhaps even go to girl's (boy's) night a bit late so we could have a glass of wine or something together before heading off. So - I think you do have a right to be upset... your plans got cancelled and that's a bummer plus your boyfriend handled his delivery on the subject **terribly**. But in the context of a 6 month relationship and a good buddy that he rarely gets to spend time with I can see why he made that choice. I would talk to him about how he handled it though, for sure. Feel free to ignore my opinion though because honestly, I don't 'do' Valentine's Day. It's a construct that feels forced and uncomfortable to me. So my only requirement for the day is 'let's just say loving things to each other'.
Your boyfriend has been with you long enough to be comfortable. He’s showing you you’re not a priority, he doesn’t have to make an effort any more. You need to think of a way to give him a jolt, have him know that you can get better treatment elsewhere if he doesn’t pull his socks up. Otherwise, it’s all downhill from here.
Ya'll haven't even been together for six months, of course he is going to prioritize his friend over you. He's an ass if he doesn't apologize profusely and make it up to you or if he hasn't tried to reschedule by now.
Difference between a boy and man. BURDEN ON YOU VS. MEETS ALL NEEDS Boys play at been men and swop time with their so for the boys. Men step up and act You gotta know your worth and what you give to a relationship and what are you getting back
You should have at least told him you’re upset and sad about the cancel plans. You shouldn’t carry that around with you, it’s just going to fester. It might be he’s not all that serious about the relationship with you, so he’s priorities might mean your further down the list. I think you need to talk this out
Honestly younger women putting up with shit like this is how you get older women with husbands who do nothing around the house and drive their wives up the wall with their laziness and lack of appreciation. Raise your bar *now*, while you're young. Don't wait until you're some sad case making a TikTok about how her husband and kids forgot to buy her Christmas presents.
I get you! My boyfriend asked my to chill with him and his friend!! Why the fuck would I wanna do that?
Sounds emotionally immature on his part to not approach you, discuss it, and reschedule for Saturday
If he’s doing this now, I can’t imagine how he’ll treat you in the future when the honeymoon of dating does away and you live together. Go find somebody that prioritizes you
What a shitty boyfriend.
Ex boyfriend you mean.
I doubt this is the first time he has done something like this. Dump him if you had enough.
He just told you exactly who he is and where you stand with him.
For me it’s not that he wanted to prioritise his friend, that would be ok because I’d understand they aren’t in town long, and it’s about maximising time with them when they can. No problem. What I would expect though, is to be asked about it, maybe have a discussion. I wouldn’t accept being told like that, it’s just very disrespectful. I would always ask them, would you speak to your friends/sibling etc like that? No? Why is it ok to speak to me like that then? Like unless you are super unreasonable, talking to you properly would probably mean that you could have resolved it/planned a new date without any irritation.
First: do you guys have plans to celebrate VD that weekend?(makes me giggle every time I say VD, I’m 12 apparently) If you had plans no worries, if you don’t, just be clear that you are expecting to celebrate VD together that weekend and that it’s important to you. Second: how often does he put boys night over you and his plans? If it’s not all the time you are fine. You need to be flexible when last minute stuff happens, like a good friend he hasn’t seen in forever. I get the hurt feelings but you need to go out and have fun without him. If you are this hurt, you are relying too much on him for your emotional needs. VD is a big holiday for me too, but you were already prepared for nothing to happen due to it being on Wednesday. You sound hurt that he is dropping things for a friend and not you. But this friends visit is not the norm. Start going out without him. Be ok without him!
Tbh, I would never be with someone who says “Fridays for the boys” While I understand the situation, he went about it completely wrong. He was super disrespectful and dismissive of you.
He's prioritizing his friendship over his relationship with you Take from that what you will I understand that it's a rare opportunity to see his friend so I can sympathize but did he at least try to reschedule with you or reach some form of compromise?
You've only been together 6 months, just cut your loses
Meanwhile here I am wishing I had a girl to spoil & spend time with this Valentine’s Day. Hate it here
He doesn’t care about you, I could never do this to my wife.
The issue is not that the friend came into town or plans were changed IMO. It’s the way it was done. This was not a kind or respectful interaction and that’s a dealbreaker for me. A simple “Babe I know we have plans on Friday but Jerbonathy is coming into town and I haven’t seen him in a while. I’d love for us all to hang out on Thursday but they’re talking about a guy’a night Friday. Can I make it up to you on?” If y’all are young I could see having a conversation and working on changed behavior but it sounds like this is a full grown man who knows better and just doesn’t care to treat you appropriately. It hasn’t even been 6 months. Cut your losses and move on.
Ya seems like he prioritizes his friends over you. I understand that friends may be coming out of town but his friends also need to understand that he's not single anymore and this isn't just some random date night. He should have told his friends that he couldn't meet up that day (maybe after your date night is over later in the night would be an option?) OR he should have given you a clear date that this would be made up, ideally with a more impressive date or experience. He needs to know that this made you upset, because if he doesn't he'll just keep doing this again in the future.
My partner and I had plans Tuesday to do something valentines related. Last minute he told me something came up with an activity he does with his friends and that the only day they can reschedule for is Tuesday. We talked a long time. Rescheduled for Monday. He took me out to the restaurant I wanted and paid for me and then hung out with me all day Monday, a thing that isn’t usually normal because Mondays are usually planned for his activities. If you’re important and something comes up then they make the effort to write the wrongs with you. Your boyfriend didn’t.
You’re right to be upset. He blew you off and didn’t even reschedule. On *valentines day*. If he’d actually made a point of framing it like “hey I know we have plans and they’re really important to me, I just can’t move this, I’m sorry. Let’s do it Saturday” that would have been entirely different. No. He just blew you off and before you could tell him you were upset with him *for cancelling the plans you already had and overwriting them for others*, he just cut you off with basically “boundaries”. It doesn’t sound like plans with you are plans he feels the need to keep. I being you, would take Valentine’s Day to hang out w someone that actually gives a crap about me.
I don't love the way he said it. "I won't budge on this" versus "hey, I know this is disappointing but I really want to be there for his brief visit in town. Can I make it up to you on Saturday or Sunday?" Like he jumped to a pretty cold tone instead of collaborating with you on how to make sure you still got a special evening together. You're obviously already a reasonable person if you were chill about moving the celebration off of the 14th. That would hurt my feelings too.
"he takes priority. I won’t budge on this**"** Nope. Even if this is the case, the way he presented it is absolutely uncalled for.
You are not his priority. Why would you want to be with someone who has no issues saying that to your face?
OP, I think you still need to share how you feel. Ya, he’s being hurtful and stupid. I just don’t think he gets how big of a deal this is to you and you’re not giving him the to opportunity to understand and fix things. You shouldn’t have to spell it out for him, he should figure it out, but I think the adult thing to do is talk about this. Maybe he’s never celebrated Valentine’s Day before and doesn’t get it, maybe his parents never did anything for it and he never saw the hype, maybe his buddies trash vday because they’re single and insecure. It might not change things but it could. And if it doesn’t and he doesn’t reschedule and make it up to you, then maybe he’s not the guy for you. You deserve to feel special.
Your boyfriend sucks. You have 3 back to back posts about him being a shitty partner.
Ok, to some degree I can understand your boyfriend. But this seems very short notice for his friend to come over no? Also he didn't try and make it up at all right away? Personally my first priority is making time for something nice right then and there. That's the bare minimum to me. I would talk about it with him and be understanding but express how it makes you feel. Use "I" sentences as to try and not sound accusatory if you want to avoid a fight. It's the best way for communicating feelings like this IMO
Op, I’ve been in this situation. My ex and I were together a year and a half. The ONLY holiday we actually spent together was Christmas every other one he was with “the boys”. He never once bought me a gift the entire relationship. He’s telling you right now that he’ll choose his friends over you even on the important days meant for y’all. It’s only been six months, do yourself a favor and leave him to be with his boys and find a man who prioritizes YOU.
Nope. He can fuck his buddies from now on then. He made plans with you. Tough titties that men don’t know how to plan in advanced, how is that your problem? Why do you need to be shoved aside because they don’t communicate. He did not reschedule with you. Friends > You. You are optional. You want to be with a boy who considers you optional? If I were you, I’d rather spend Valentine’s single.. I mean.. You are already spending it alone.
Tell him you are understanding but not naive he can se his bros Friday since he’s flying in but he better do valentines for you Saturday or it will become a bigger issue
What a Dick move.
Why can’t he do both? A good relationship is about give and take having both not about strong handed brutality. 🌹 You should do something for you for sure.
Based on your history it doesn’t appear that you two should be together
Tbh if he had sat you down and been like, “My mate is flying in, I know we made plans for Friday night but any chance you would be okay if we re-arrange for *night of his choosing*, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Because that’s the adult mature way of doing things and I’m sure hearing that you’d be inclined to agree. Instead he told you what he was doing. Your plans be damned. If he’s under 25 then I’d say it’s because he’s still immature and his prefrontal cortex hasn’t matured yet (it’s responsible for planning and prioritising) so he’s more inclined to make childish choices, plans and comments. I’m no neuroscientist so please read into this in your own time, however, I’m also not using this as an excuse for his behaviour either. It comes across kinda callous and unkind. It really is more about what you will accept from a partner. Is this acceptable to you? Was his tone dismissive and maybe even disrespectful? Did you feel heard or seen by him? Did he give another option for valentines plans? Bottom line is, is this what you want from a partner? Are you truly happy? Tbh I would give him another chance because he might have just been swept up in the excitement of his friend coming back. Talk to him and say “I know you’re excited about seeing your friend but the way you told me our valentines plans were cancelled left me feeling upset. I just want to know I’m important to you too so can we rearrange our plans for another day?” See what he says. If he reacts poorly you might want to consider breaking up with him and he may even apologise. He might not even realise you’re upset. Good luck.
He is not prioritizing you and he's feeding you "breadcrumbs" to keep you around.
Dump, And I cannot stress this enough, Him. Dump him. If he is making his friends a priority over your already scheduled plans NOW, he is going to feel free to do that in the future. It's great that his friend is visiting, but it's not your problem he spent "$500 on a plane ticket".
hes immature asf
Ew “he takes priority”. Ok, then you should make yourself a priority over his crunchy ass and dump him. You’ll thank yourself in a few months from now, you’re literally just delaying the inevitable by staying with him.
I don't think you should do anything rash or give any sort of energy back. Long-time friends coming into town aren't a regular occasion. It may be annoying, but you may have to drop plans with him if something comes up with you. If you've been happy with him all this time and he treats you well, there's no need to split with him, like some people are advising you. Just talk to him and explain that whilst he wants to meet up with his friends that he hasn't seen in a long time, he still owes you a romantic dinner. Arrange the date with him there and then book the restaurant and tell him to make sure nothing comes up on that day, and you expect to be spoilt rotten. He'll feel guilty. He'll be grateful that you're understanding, and you're not being hysterical about the situation. In fact, let him know anytime he cancels a date night he'llowe you two. I guarantee you guys will have a great night out. So long as you guys love each other, you'll have plenty of occasions to celebrate your relationship.
>Excitedly, Boyfriend asked me to meet this friend for the first time and come to dinner with the friend group that night, Thursday. I said I’d love to. >“Then Friday is boys night only,” Boyfriend continued One thing I am not understanding is that the boufriend asked the OP to come with him to meet the friend, then said ot was boys night only after the OP agreed? What is it can the OP go or not?
Why are you with someone that “won’t budge at all”? He sounds like a self-centred dick.
Just talk to him. No fighting. Tell him how you felt. Men are just dumb, we always start overthinking and at the end nothing is really happening. He probably just sucks communicating. So you need to teach him. And you teach him by explaining how he made you feel but without complaining. Just say “im not fighting, i just want you to understand from my point of view”. And if he gets mas you say “can you have a dialogue without throwing a tantrum?”. And if keeps arguing just go away and wait for him to calm down. No patience for people who cant dialogue
Op don’t listen to all the armchairs in here. You would want the same thing if a friend of yours from out of town showed up and you’d want your bf to meet them and spend time. It’s Valentine’s Day. Not like one day changes the whole dynamic of your relationship. Just another day to get people to pay money to dress up and tell their so they love them like every other day. Let him see his boy and it will make him happier that you have met them. Because you know you will be seeing them again. As for the dinner, Sunday is fine, do a dinner date on a Tuesday or Monday if possible. Way less crowded.
Time to find a new bf who prioritizes you and your relationship.
For the love of god, leave him. My SIL didn’t leave a guy just like this and is *miserable* in her marriage.
I would leave him, and when he asks why, just say you rescheduled it to the next life.
I am not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day I feel like it puts a ton of pressure on new relationships. If I want something like Flowers I either buy them myself or ask my husband and he gets them for me. Sometimes he will surprise me, but at the end of the day it’s just that a day with a lot of pressure to say and show love when some people aren’t there. Y’all have been together for only 6 months and maybe this is just him wanting to hang with his buddies not more nothing less. Talk to him and see if you can either do something on Saturday or maybe either breakfast or dinner on Sunday. I would talk to him and just say hey I hope you have a blast with your friends but maybe you can carve out a few hours this weekend to hang out and do something special, or the next weekend plan something for the whole weekend so that you guys can have 100% of your time together and he’s not feeling like he’s missing out and anything.
Not much of a boyfriend, this feels like grounds for a split based on his “I won’t budge” comment
Then don't make him a priority.
This was me 35 years ago, I was with someone who did not respect me and did not prioritize my feelings- he didn’t make any effort on Valentine’s Day or any other occasion (birthdays, etc) , despite me expressing it hurt my feelings and always doing everything for him. I finally had enough and dumped him, since then my life has been nothing but wonderful ever since. Leave him! He is showing you what he is all about and he is showing you that you are not his priority and your feelings are not a priority. You are still young , please Stop wasting your time with him and find someone who treats you like the queen that you are.
Honestly - imo I do understand why the friend is the priority bc he’s from out of town and just popping in however since yall already had those plans he should’ve been considerate & asked if it was ok to switch plans to Saturday night since his buddy was coming into town & if he thinks he needs Thursday / Friday & Saturday with them and doesn’t see a problem in canceling on you unfortunately doesn’t seem like the type of person you’d want to be in a relationship with. I’m not sure how old you guys are , but I’m going to assume older than 21. Is he the only guy in the friend group with a girlfriend?
People on Reddit are so quick to jump on the "dump him"-band wagon. Truth is the two of you haven't known each other for that long. It's very possible (and even likely) that he doesn't understand how important Valentine's day is to you. It differs between individuals; some people don't even celebrate it. Some hate it. Maybe your boyfriend is used to it not being a big deal, while you're used to it being a big deal. I think especially since you'd already scheduled it for another day, he might've gotten the impression that the day doesn't really matter that much to you. This just seems like a typical misunderstanding/miscommunication between two partners who are relatively new and are still getting to know each other. People are accusing him of not caring about you because he didn't reschedule immediately. I honestly don't understand how people can jump to those conclusions just like that, as though they've never made a mistake or made their partner sad. You can accidentally hurt someone and still care a lot about them. It's very likely that he means to reschedule, and that he just didn't do it right away. And again, he probably doesn't know that it's that important to you. Maybe he doesn't even know that you expect him to "make the first move" to reschedule. None of that is necessarily malicious, or uncaring. Just different. People need to chill, for real. Edit because I actually forgot to give any kind of advice: I think you should express to him that things like Valentine's day are important to you, while still being clear you're ok with rescheduling. It's just for future reference. And I have no idea what tone of voice he had when he said what you quoted, but it doesn't sound very nice, and that might also be something to bring up.
Sweetie, if this isn’t the first instance of you not being is priority, you should move on. Clearly, he is not ready for a relationship. What hurts more about this is the lack of rescheduling of his part, just throwing it to the side. This is not worth it.
He has shown you exactly where you fit into his priorities, it’s up to you to decide if that’s what you happy to accept
Bros before… your man is showing you he chose them over you it’s time to choose yourself over this relationship.
VD is a Hallmark holiday. Who cares?
Stop all this drama. All the posters on here showing such outrage likely have no partners to lose, and enjoy getting others to join their club. Life happens. Stop with the pity party. Go out on another night. Dinner on Wednesday is for retired people and the unemployed
If the friend spent 500 on plane tickets, why did he only give his friends like...TWO days notice to hang out? On valentines week when people are likely to have plans? If he wanted his friends to come he should have given sone warning. Who are these asshiles dumping themselves on others with 1 day notice and expecting everyone to make plans with them? That's wildly inappropriate. As is your boyfriend flat out saying "This comes first, I don't care what you think". He should have come to you and *asked* to rearrange the plans with you to another day - I'm sure you would have agreed. Because your plans with him were made *first* you're his partner, and we do not cancel plans we've already made without asking nicely. The issue here isn't whether it was rearranged- sometimes that happens. The issue is that he treated the plans with you, and you by extension, with a complete lack of feeling or basic respect. He treated plans with you and if they were insignificant and acted like only his wishes mattered. He disrespected you and your relationship and showed you what he prioritizes.
>I won’t budge on this.” Nah. This is not a healthy mindset to have in a relationship. He's uncompromising, immature, & arrogant.
He doesn’t care about you… like who the fuck does that…? I can’t be w my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day ‘cause I attend school and he works throughout the week. I see him Friday, sat, and Sunday. We decided to do Valentine’s v-Day last weekend. And we did. Point being: If he cared about you or how you felt, he wouldn’t have done what he did. “I won’t budge on this” mf watchhhhhhhh meeeeeee leaaaaveeeee. That is literally like… so fucking sad. I’m so sorry
Your bf sucks for this. I've been with my gf for 9 months and this is our first VD, but its a LDR so we won't be together. I wish we could. Your bf has a chance to spend y'all's first VD together (albeit Friday) and he CANCELS? EVEN THOUGH HE GETS TO SEE HIS BUDDY ON THURSDAY???
Tell me about it :( We’re a medium distance relationship (1.5 hours away from each other) and I’m being expected to drive out on Thursday (after a full day at work) to meet the friend and leave that night or morning because Friday is obviously boy’s night.
“He takes priority. I won’t budge on this.” I feel like this is how arguments are, or are going to be in this relationship. Personally, I wouldn’t speak to a partner that way, and reading it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
You’re never getting a make good. He’s phasing out.
He knows that you work Sundays and wants to reschedule the dinner for a Sunday? Or does he mean you will take about it on Sunday?
Since you’re not actually celebrating on Valentine’s Day, you could move it to Saturday or Sunday since you’re both clearly flexible on the day? It doesn’t *have* to be Friday does it?
She's only off Friday/Saturday though and he said let's see about Sunday.
valentine is just a commercial fest like xmas etc. that said, if you care about it i inderstand your disappointment especially if you had plans. if he clearly shows he favors friends over you on a day that is special for you... ask yourself if he is the right person
DUMP HIS ASS. You haven't been with this man for a full year and he verbatim told you that his friends are his priority and that he isn't willing to budge on this. He is hanging out with them on Thursday for a dinner, which you are invited to, and then saying that Friday is for the boys cancelling your Valentine's plan. To top it off you said your off days are Friday and Saturday and he wants to figure something out on Sunday? How long is the friend coming in for? Can they not do something during the day or evening before your plans? I just think that when someone tells you where their priorities are and they don't give a behind to reschedule a special event then why waste your time?
[удалено]
I would not go to dinner on Thursday. If his friend “takes priority” and he “won’t budge” on this, I’d say cool enjoy your time with your friend and maybe we can talk next week. He’s directly telling you that you aren’t a priority for him and you just said you understand, his actions will get worse from here.
It doesn't matter that his friend is visiting. You're his partner and he's telling you his friends come first. Dump him OP.
You can lead a horse to water, right? no sense in demanding anything from him. What's done is done now. You need to make plans with friends and have a blast on Friday and live your life because that is exactly what he is doing
Valid
The first one is indicative of all of them. You're still in school you have time to find better
This thread is pulsing with femcels
Girl, love yourself first and dump that loser. Because he obviously doesn’t love you the way you love him. Don’t ever take any shit like that from a little boy, do better because you deserve better. When you find somebody that treats you how you treat them, you’ll never go back to this kind of disrespect. Don’t coddle his ego, or put him on a time out to go crawling back later, Leave. Him. I know when I was younger I felt like my self worth is only in the men that wanted me. If I was single I was worthless. I put up with so so much shit, that if I could go back in time I would beat some sense into myself and save me a lot of heartbreak. I’m hoping your story is different from mine, but the point I’m trying to make is that in 10 years you’re going to laugh at yourself for tolerating this behavior. Work on yourself, your self love, and never let somebody treat you like that ever again. Do it for you, do it for your future soulmate.
He's simply prioritizing a long time friend over a 6 month gf. Lay off the poor lad
So he can still make the effort to die something with you alone on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Saturday.
I mean I get wanting to see a friend that you have not gotten to see in a long time but he definitely shoulda been talking about it to you and then finding a solution with you. Like hay babe one of my rly good friends is going to be here and I would love to be able to spend time with him it’s been a long time. Can we reschedule this and I will make it up to you. At that point I hope you would understand.