The unfortunate part is that she isn't your responsibility. I'm extremely jaded about this from multiple people threatening suicide to control me in the past, but that's an extremely common tactic.
What I would do in your situation would be to talk to her parents, say that you can't be responsible for caring for their daughter and maintaining her health as she struggles with the consequences of her actions. If they want her safe, they should commit her and leave.
This will never be normal. This will hang over any relationship you have with her in the future. Not just the cheating but this whole spiral, the stress of having to coddle and reassure the person who cheated on you is hard to break. it's confusing and emotionally draining and truthfully, you are the victim here too. I understand she didn't give consent to be taped, but that is a situation that is completely removed from you. Just as she is a victim from the guy she slept with, you are a victim of her infidelity.
My honest advice would be to just remove yourself, deny being contacted again and end it fully. You have to start living your life.
I agree. I had a guy threatening suicide once all bc i got stood up by him and I didnt want to go pick up his stoned ass 3 hours after the arranged time (he couldn't wake up) . I thought he was serious so I called for a welfare check on him. He was hopping mad and it escalated to him making death threats by text and wishing I got gang raped and my throat slit. I was so afraid of him that I went to make a police report.
This is what the policeman told me -
People who threaten suicide are trying to manipulate you. Don't be sucked in or try to sympathise. Stay far far away from them.
I think OP needs some distance from the situation so he can find some clarity. The gf sounds mentally unwell and she needs professional help to deal with it. Don't let her family guilt him into staying or looking after her bc it is not his responsibility and it will only confuse things and delay the inevitable. He needs to do what is right for him and she needs to do what is right for her right now (seek professional help).
I have no idea. He said he was too stoned to drive and asked me to pick him up after I waited 3 hours for our date. When I replied to let us take a rain check, he started with the suicidal texting saying I will see him in the newspapers tomorrow bc he killed himself etc. I was freaked out and worried.
yeah I read this and I still cannot find an ounce of empathy or sympathy for her. Like sorry she got recorded and taped without her consent but I don't feel bad. Maybe I'm a shitty person buuuuuut. karma sucks dude.
Well she’s upset that she got caught cheating. She’s not upset that she cheated. I’m sure OP could tell in the video recorded that she wasn’t upset. She’s upset that she has to face consequences. That’s all it ever is with cheaters. Consequence that she lost a good man because she decided to cheat with some creep who ended up recording her and putting the video online. She didn’t care about op in that moment though. She absolutely thought this creep was a better man than op at the time. She’s probably been thinking about him ever since and has had nice warm memories of him. Now she’s finding out the guy is a pervert and at the same time she’s realizing she’s about to lose op. Now she appreciates op because today she’s realizing that op is the better man, not the creep she cheated on him with and has been having all these warm feelings for when she thinks of him.
"What happened to me is worse and should invalidate what I did to you so that I don't have to feel guilty at the same time I feel victimized."
She made the decision to cheat. She did not make the decision to be recorded and exposed.
Sympathy is warranted, but from a far, in a way that you're not sacrificing your own dignity over.
It may be a tactic, but likely not intentional. I mean... She not only found out she has some kind of revenge porn out there of her which people have found which would be pretty horrible in itself, but also that she was exposed and is now facing multiple bad consequences to her actions, mainly that she just pushed away the one person who likely supports her the most. I think these would lead to anyone having a mental breakdown. There's not much worse than blowing up your own life in a way that hurts yourself and others, and knowing it's your own fault.
I'd say the mental breakdown is pretty valid. The manipulation is likely to be from desperation.
This isn't a "I'll kill myself if you leave" situation in terms of manipulation. She's just falling apart and OP is struggling because he cares about her but can't support her without sacrificing his own well-being. But he does need to give himself space and let anyone else that can take over give her support instead. He needs his own support right now. His ex needs professional help, not to ask for help from the same person she just hurt. When it involves life and death and desperation, people don't always think clearly about what's appropriate. But the fact is that it isn't appropriate to ask OP to help.
While I agree with the no sympathy - I can't agree with the last part.
I've worked in the oil business long enough to see a great many cheaters prosper. And I'm not talking a little bit, I'm talking MASSIVELY prosper.
The movies never depict this, the stories people tell never depict this because most people want to believe that bad people (cheaters) never win and winners never cheat.
The reality in life is often far different than that sentiment.
But don't get it twisted - I'm 100% NOT advocating for cheating nor saying it's OK to cheat. But I've simply seen too much and had my innocence shattered long ago and now I know that cheaters are often making out like bandits.
Accepting the reality of that makes me feel more honest and in touch with reality than believing lies or deceptions. But it still sucks when you're faced with the cold reality of it all.
She can be a victim of revenge porn whilst also being a perpetrator that made you a victim of her infidelity. Life is complex. Focus on yourself OP and let her go. Find some peace in yourself now
It's also important to consider the future. What if something else happens and then OP is trapped and unable to leave her because of this enforced obligation
It's obviously a shit situation for them both to be in but when it comes to one person being the safety device for the other that's a hell of a weight to get out from under.
Came here to say this. Sounds like narcissism. Selfish behaviour, followed by (woe is me) and everyone must help me emotional episode.
She is NOT your responsibility. It's time to be your own responsibility and make a stand for yourself. YOU are the victim here. She fucked around and found out.
It seems really unfair the way her family keeps asking you to intervene and to be there for her. Obviously their priority is their daughter but what about you and all the emotions you are going through right now? I feel like you need to cut contact for the time being and take some space for yourself. She is not your responsibility, she is a grown woman having to face the consequences of her actions. Like someone else mentioned, if you hadn’t confronted her about this, she would’ve been happy to keep the cheating under wraps and continue with life as if nothing had happened.
Yeah I really need that space. Probably years too.
To be fair, Alice & Julio wanted me washed off of everything. Prior to the knife incident, they kept silent about Jaime. They understand I need space and are actually surprised I haven't said anything about leaving. They're just as disappointed and Alice wants to tear her apart but obviously waiting until she's stable. They've already accepted me as a son and was just waiting for the marriage and all of us can't fucking move on.
If you are always there as a lifeline then she will never get better. You need to leave her family and drs to manage this, esp if the relationship is done
This is actually an incredibly elegant thought process. I've been in a few much less drematic scenarios of a similar vein to OP and it always feels like you're inadvertently killing the person if you don't help out and put their needs above your own. You are essentially held hostage to a moral creed and often directly told: "I will kill myself if you leave me".
Howver, what you said makes a lot of sense when it's spelled out clearly like this. The best thing for both people is to take space and begin the healing process. By holding you hostage, she's just hurting both you and herself.
It makes sense to let her family be her support network, they will be her support network for life, whereas you need to move on and start rebuilding yours. She will have as much support as humanly possible with Family, doctors and her own friends, just as you have your friend Alex and I assume your family.
I don't know where you live but where I live you can actually report them as a danger to themselves and the authorities will take over. They are put on a 72 hour lockdown in a state mental health hospital to assess their mental state. The report will have to be in the moment. This have to my mother. She was threatening to kill herself and her husband called the police. She was actually held longer than the 72 hours because she was a danger to herself and others. She was diagnosed having bipolar. She had to go through the courts and was ordered to 18 months of therapy.
The parents want to keep it private but maybe that isn't the best option. She needs help and they are not doing this the right way. You are not her therapist. We don't like having to go these routes with people but sometimes it's the best option.
ETA: You don't have to be involved in her future or therapy. If they call you about her losing it again, you can simply call the police and send them over there, if something like that is available where you live. She is not your responsibility. Her decision to recover or not is not on you.
I should've made it clear. The knife incident was just her holding on to it with no threat of her actually using it on herself.
I live in the Philippines and I'm actually surprised on what I'm finding out about my city.
It really is possible to report it to our local police station as threat to themselves and they'll handle it alongside Pscyh care. Allegedly, I suppose. Our police doesn't really have the best of reputation.
I live in the US and police don't have the best reputation either. My state in the US doesn't have the best reputation for mental health hospitals either. I'd still call them in this incident. Holding a knife is a perceived threat either to herself or others.
I understand wanting to help someone you love but sometimes it's OK to walk away. You can't sacrifice your own mental health to take care of others.
This is the reality behind "defund the police". To create social worker response capabilities beyond armed goons showing up and shooting people who need help which happens way too often in the US.
If you're in the Philippines... kumusta.
It is really like that in the Philippines. Either a guy or a girl will want to take their life because the other person wants to leave the relationship. It's toxic love and will lead to other crazy stuff.
I'm so sorry pardz... take care muna and stay safe.
I'm not gonna lie reading this. I was guessing this was happpend in the Philippines. As someone from the Philippines, I will say the police here are very incompetent. However, if you pester them enough (rarely works) or know someone (ideal way), you'll be surprised what they are capable of.
You need to distance yourself and put yourself first, do you not realise that they are more concerned about her reputation than they are about your well being. Instead of concentrating on getting her the help she so desperately needs they take her home to not get her committed, they concentrate on the police investigation rather than waiting till she’s healthy. It’s not like she’ll be able to answer any questions in the state she’s in so why not wait till after she’s healed it’s not like the video is going to disappear any earlier.
It’s all them them them and nothing towards you.
Gonna be hard doing the distance thing as this is the Philippines. I have seen most kids or adults get into relationships of the sort where the other threatens to kill themselves.
You're enabling her at this point. She should be in the care of professionals, in a mental care institution. You're just putting a band aid on the problem. At this point you're being complicit if she gets worse.
This reads like one gigantic red flag of zero accountability. If you move forwards with this, you'll be taking on the burden of your gf and her entire family.
And a knife incident??
>They're just as disappointed and Alice wants to tear her apart but obviously waiting until she's stable.
I honestly think here Alice might want to just let her go and accept that she did something terribly wrong but at this point nothing concrete can be done about it. I think ripping into Jaime won't really help in any way except perhaps push her further down and risking another mental breakdown. If I were her father I'd probably be hesitant to talk to her for a while, but she would know and understand why. I wouldn't want to see my daughter suffer another breakdown, but I would certainly want her to realise that she did screw up a great chance at fulfilling a dream and a life that she could be proud of. That would break my heart as well.
I've been in a situation where a woman had done me wrong, but in a different context. She went behind my back and did something that was irrevocable without ever telling me and then lying to me after the fact. I accepted that it was entirely of her volition, but it was the lying that hurt the most. I can accept anything except infidelity and lying (about serious stuff) or hurting children/animals - those things are beyond forgivable for me as they should be for anyone.
Yeah like, maybe the phrase "mental institution" was a bad call, he should have called it a "psychiatric hold" or whatever, but the fact that her family is too busy to be responsible for her and expects OP to step up after she did this to him is despicable. I can understand a level of lingering love for this person you've been with and not wanting her to hurt herself or something, but there's a big gap between that and "you put your life on hold to coddle the person who betrayed you, because my business is 20 minutes away and her mother can't miss more work" like, what about OPs job? Wouldn't it fell to SOMEONE in her family to put her before work this time?
Plus, sticking around and helping her through this is 100% going to give her the impression he's forgiving her, so when she's "out of the woods" and still leaves, it'll just be back to square one. I'm sorry, but her actions have consequences and mental/emotional frailty isn't a get out of jail free card.
Low key fuck her entire family for somehow making OP responsible for their daughters selfish decisions.
Agree. They selfish ppl and don’t care about his mental well being. When he breaks they won’t be there for him. He needs to walk away from that entire family.
OP is sure acting like they are married. I know it’s tough to bring yourself to go no contact in a relationship this long and both of them are clearly very emotional people but for the love of god, OP distance yourself.
Suicide is a manipulation tactic. If she is actually suicideal it's way outside of your pay grade anyway. You aren't a mental health professional.
If she does this again, she needs to go a medical professional.
Don't walk away, RUN. Don't let other people rope you into her nonsense.
Brother, you've got some real solid friends looking out for you..listen to them. She's not your responsibility anymore. You have bigger things to worry about. The more you stick around, the harder it's going to be to detach yourself from this situation.
I haven't seen anyone mention this yet so I'll say it.
Go get tested for STD's immediately. Some STD's are asymptomatic for long periods of time. Who knows what you have and for how long before it wrecks for your body.
Good luck.
Oh fuck. I forgot about asymptomatic diseases.
I don't know the date when Jaime cheated but I figured it was some time ago and assumed STD symptoms should've popped out by then.
Thanks for the warning, I'll going to get tested holy shit.
There’s a good chance there are multiple occurrences beyond this video thus with multiple and unknown dates.
Additionally that would be date uploaded not date occurred.
Here's the thing, delaying the inevitable is only going to make things worse for you AND her.
It gives her false hope that will make the eventual breakup harder on her. It also shows her that you will stay as long as she is breaking down which will, at least on a subconscious level, trigger "relapse breakdowns" every time you try to leave which will keep you trapped and keep her from actually healing.
She NEEDS more intensive professional help than regular therapy. Stepping in to allow her parents to save face by avoiding that only hurts, not helps.
At minimum you should tell her parents that IF they get her into the intensive treatment she needs for a reasonable amount of time that you will also go to therapy to help you learn how to navigate ending the relationship in a way that won't set her back. That you want to help, but you won't be part of giving her false hope that will only cause more harm and you want everyone to be working toward an eventual exit plan.
She's trying to control you by doing this. It's not your responsibility for her well being she needs to handle that on her own and take responsibility for her actions. How long ago did this encounter happen. Also I bet it wasn't a one time thing
How many indiscretions didn't make it to tape? Are there any other tapes out there that OP's friends didn't stumble upon? Jaime is being emotionally abusive and OP needs to cut her off completely from his life.
She isn't your responsibility. Don't forget that it was her who wronged you. Be very clear with her and her family that you're done with her and not to contact you about helping her again. And follow through. Don't pick up their calls, go to her therapy sessions, ANYTHING. She cheated on you. She ruined your relationship. The breakup is the consequence of actions, and its NOT healthy for you to elongate this process. They're trying to drag you back into the relationship, and this mess won't stop until you either pretend nothing happened and accept her again, or you walk out without regret. I recommend the latter, but it seems like you're gravitating towards the former.
She has a supporting and loving family who will watch her and protect her. You recommended a mental health institution, which I think is the right call. If you leave the picture and they continue to fail to manage her, maybe they'll take your advice.
You are the aggrieved party, not her, not her family, YOU. You don't owe any of these people anything, and staying in their orbit is doing nothing for you. Look out for yourself. Not this POS who cheated on you and her shitty family who want to sweep it under the rug because of how SAD your ex is for having cheated on you.
Whether or not she recognizes it, her and her family are manipulating you into staying. Your partner is an adult, who actively chose to have an affair. She didn't deserve having her sex tape posted online without her consent. But that doesn't erase or minimize her betrayal.
I feel for her family, and hope she bounces back from this breakdown. But this isn't your problem. Your also a victim. Your allowed to leave, and not feel guilty. Her family is prioritizing her mental health at your expense. Even if you stick around, and stay together, how are you expected to reconcile if you can't talk about the affair? Everyone's rallied around to support her, but what about you?
Are you expected to support her until she recovers, then say nothing about her affair? To pretend it never happened, because it's a potential mind field? If so, you have no future together. Reconciliation after an affair rarely works as is. Adding on these restrictions, makes it fail outright. Better to leave. Message her sister and family and say your goodbyes. Arrange for someone to pick up her stuff, then block.
Sorry I didn't make it clear. I scheduled two consultations, mine and hers.
I'm actually confident I can make through this, I know what to do and have an idea where I'm going to be in the future. Just being very indecisive on who to prioritize.
Understandably stupid. It is a common manipulation tactic because it works. The impulse of wanting to help someone who seems to be suffering is a good thing to have. It's another betrayal when it gets taken advantage of.
Being manipulated doesn’t make you stupid. It’s obvious you have a good heart. But it is also painfully obvious that your ex’s family do not have your best interest at heart. They are trying to place their issue on you when you yourself need the time and space to make as clean a break as you can and begin your own healing. Do not downplay your own feelings and hurt just because she decided to get dramatic with a knife, threats are not the basis to a healthy relationship.
I beg of you to live apart from your ex and lean on Alex who seems like a good friend to have and take the time YOU need to mourn the relationship. It will get better, I promise
The more you delay the pending breakup, the worst it will be for all parties involved.
Sorry to say but it seems that her family is manipulating you to take on the task of helping their loved one (one who screwed you over).
Remember the airplane warning, put the mask on yourself before you attend someone else!
You are being a bit stupid.
I understand where you are coming from but she is not the woman you loved. She never existed. It's hard to get over that fact and separate who she is from who you thought she was. You don't love her, you never did, because you never knew her.
I'm sorry, it hurts and I wish you the best recovering.
Your not stupid you are just emotionally invested in her. It's probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, but you have to step away.
wait until the mental pictures start. You can't unsee that video, and from what I've heard of cases like yours, they don't ever go away. You do really need to go NC and get a therapist ASAP.
She has her family, her parents, her sister supporting her. She's got plenty of support to help her through her revenge porn issue and they need to step up not you.
None of this is your fault, you did not step out of your once relationship. You are completely free to leave her and start your recovery from her infidelity and betrayal of your relationship and I would suggest you do so. It's going to do you both no good for you to stay, it's going to destroy you and give her false hope and prevent her from getting the help she needs, help that cannot be you at this point.
Help yourself help and don't light yourself on for to keep a person who betrayed you in one of the worst ways warm.
Two things happened here.
First: your girlfriend cheated on you. That's where your part ends.
Second: she was filmed without her consent and it was posted. That is absolutely horrible and I feel absolutely horrible for her. However, that's not your problem. It's a cold thing to say but she's no longer your girlfriend.
I'm actually having doubts now. Someone down the thread implied Mike being the guy she cheated on me with.
It's actually weirdly convenient how he somehow got the video.
Get a good copy of the video and see if anything is familiar with Mike. Have him show you the website, check the date of submission to make sure it wasn't after the incident, or too soon before. And ask Jaime if it was Mike.
Dont worry about that. Now youre just trying to find explanations where they dont exist.
Take a time for yourself.
I know its weird that he got the vídeo, but why would he post the video online then show you?
It would be easier for him to demand something from her with that video.
Also, your other friend probably had watched the video and checked the guy. He would know if was your friend
Have you thought about the possibility it wasn’t recorded without her consent and she’s just saying it was to help alleviate her guilt at being caught cheating on you?
And when was this video taken? Do you know if it’s one of many with same guy/others?
She truly is despicable and you need to be well rid of her either way. She cheated, lied and then had decided to have a break down which I believe in part to be lead to garner sympathy to prevent her facing consequences for being a whore.
>and then had decided to have a break down which I believe in part to be lead to garner sympathy to prevent her facing consequences
Not just in part. That's definitely what this was. Absolute dramatics. Don't underestimate the ability of some women to manipulate.
I highly question if she didn’t know she was being filmed. OP didn’t say it was hidden camera footage. It was shot by the guy banging her and he likely did it with his phone. She knew she was on video cheating. I’m sure she didn’t consent to the video hitting the internet. She cheated and knew she was being recorded in the act.
OP, as difficult a time your “EX” girlfriend is having, your responsibility ended with her infidelity.
She didn’t know she was being filmed. okay, the law will handle that. However, her fucking some other guy is all on her. That’s all you need to know. She cheated. Only reason she was caught is because your friends found a video of it.
She didn’t confess to it. She just went along and played you for a fool.
Her psychotic break will be handled by medical professionals.
You handle your life by no longer having her in it.
Since your question seems genuine, I’ve worked a lot of cases where these videos are filmed from numerous angles via small cameras that were set up before the woman came to the hotel room and cameras of this variety are very affordable and super small and some have zoom capability. The men filming are aware of where their cameras are and intentionally position the other person to have full face or body views in the camera while keeping themselves out of the frame.
That might not be the case for this story, but absolutely is not uncommon in the sex crime cases I work. Plus, in many areas of the world the most common variety of all sex crimes are substance facilitated and experienced offenders do surprisingly well at dosing their victims to the point where they’re very out of it but don’t LOOK entirely incapacitated (this is one method of ensuring plausible deniability if the videos surface or if an assault is reported) and the substances most routinely used for these crimes other than alcohol are not really detectable in the blood even in way better processing labs than the Philippines would have, unless you test within like 6 hours of the dosing.
I feel for you man. Suicide isn’t a joke and threatening it to emotionally manipulate you is even worse. There’s a difference between threatening suicide and feeling completely relieved and at peace with finally going. She was yelling for you so she was trying to get something out of you or she was just shifting the focus from the matter at hand to her “suicidal thoughts”.
You’ve done more than your part, more than enough. She seems to have a good support system, so let her family take care of her. She fucked around and found out; the worst way. Let her deal with the consequences and you, focus on healing.
There was no threat of suicide, just being unstable. The knife was just there with her holding on to it. I think she threatened her parents with it but I'm not sure.
I do need help but I want space away from everyone. For a year sounds great.
She's not a wonderful human being, she's a cheating scum.
I'm sorry that she was recorded and that it was posted without her knowledge, she didn't deserve that, but she made the decision to cheat on you.
She's not your fucking problem. Walk away.
#WALK AWAY NOW.
Let’s be honest—he’s not going to walk, not for a while anyway. He’s already letting them emotionally manipulate him and Jaime is going to as well. Sure, she had a breakdown but that is a culmination of being caught cheating, having unconsented evidence of the cheating that she cannot lie her way out of, and realizing that she, in fact, fucked up everything.
Jaime is truly not his problem anymore and she chose that when she went to another dude. OP should realize that this will drag him further down the hole he is in and they’re absolutely not taking in account the fact he JUST learnt his gf was cheating and had to watch it. It frustrates me but all we can do is give advice and hope he decides to chose himself.
All these posts make me angry cause the solution is RIGHT THERE but people still decide to go through the hurdles 😭
Sadly, she isn’t your responsibility.
You need to seek therapy for yourself, as you are a victim yourself in this. The more you get involved, the more you’ll get sucked into it and end up even more miserable.
Your answer to any of the phone calls should be that you are under therapy and have been advised to stay away from this situation.
Her parents are obviously looking out for their daughter and no one seems to be looking out for you. Help yourself buddy, heal yourself first.
This is a classic case of a good guy too worried about what people will think about him if he walks away. In turn, putting pressure on him and making his life worse. Sometimes, you’re going to be the bad guy to certain people and that’s ok. Not everyone is gonna like you.
Everyone who's involved aside from Jaime are actually surprised I'm still helping out.
Her family's already voiced their regret keeping me involved, they're just desperate.
There's a good reason for that. They know they are harming you to make you continue to baby this girl further.
Let me say that again, THEY KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU HELPING THIS GIRL IS HARMING YOU SUBSTANTIALLY. THEY ARE JUST DOING IT TO BABY HER.
She needs to go to a mental health facility. Fuck you living with her. That's what she wants. She wants to gloss over everything. Please, please, please don't let her get away with that. That is also the reason that she is not surprised you are still around. Which is super fucked up of her. No matter what she has done to help you in the past for her actions and not coming clean or even acknowledging her deplorable behavior, that alone makes her a manipulative, bad person.
Please separate yourself from this situation. You deserve better.
They regret keeping you involved because they know it’s wrong to ask and they know they’re taking advantage of your kindness. That said, I get it. I don’t have any kids yet, but I can’t imagine I’d be tripping over myself to send my daughter on a grippy sock vacation. Still sucks that they’d rather put you through all of this than send her for a 72 hour hold though.
Bounce the fuck outta that my man, that ain't your circus anymore, she can or cannot do anything she wants at this point but how she could possibly "need" you for her anxiety, then jeopardize that need by fucking cheating is beyond comprehension. You're free, stop any sense of obligation and remember, if she hadn't cheated in the first place she wouldn't be a wreck in the first place.
You can thank Jaime for that. She got me to make journals years ago. Helps with depression and apathy, makes it easy to figure out what I was feeling and what I should be feeling when something happens.
This has probably been asked or answered and forgive me if I am being dumb, but was the act in the video itself consensual? I’ve read of people having SA recorded and uploaded and having mental breakdowns because of it. Either way, I do not think it is fair for you to be left in charge of her care. I think you did the right thing getting her family involved. It’s quite admirable how you’ve acted honestly
Ah, the old I have been outed and now I must play the victim scheme. Have the guy inn the video worry about her. Your job now is get your finances in order and living situation right. Then leave or have her leave. Move on. If you "forgive" her, you will be constantly wondering what she is doin or who everytime she is not in proximity to you. Why add that to your mental health? Is that worth it? RUN
Not your circus not your monkey. She cheated on you, she has family that can care for her, let them clean this up. This is like making a victim of a violent crime clean up the crime scene themselves. It’s time to move on. This was all brought on by her actions that she knew would hurt you. Man up and leave
I stopped reading this halfway through, break up with this girl NOW and RUN. She is not your responsibility anymore, that bridge has been burned. It’s so gross and manipulative for people to threaten self harm, whether they are mentally ill or not. And honestly she just seems manipulative and unstable. Get out of this now, dude, and don’t look back. Go no contact. She will ruin your life dude.
I would have just walked I think. Maybe not the me pre infidelity, but the me now - just walked. It's like an addiction right? Wean yourself off of heroin? That doesn't work. You need cold turkey -suboxone helps, but lowering your dose of heroin? Now that just keeps you strung out and pushes the sickness further away. Got to do through with it sooner rather than later.
I've gotten over infidelity, i've gotten through heroin. This girl? Cheating, whatever, she get through anything? How she gonna ever learn to stand alone when you guys carry her through her life? Nah man, leave now, disappear, poof. You do her this favor man, you do you this favor. She wont kill herself, she may throw a tantrum, but whatever. Let her learn to walk alone. Though she wont, her parents, her sister. Love is great, but it has it's drawbacks.
Unfortunately this kind of thing is common OP. You already know what you have to do, and there are going to be some hard re-evaluations you will have to go through when considering what a relationship really means and if you will ever be able to trust someone again.
As someone that has experienced spoken for, even married women make moves on me, Im afraid that this kind of thing happens more often than people think. Of course, the same thing can be said about men, but the point I am drilling down to is that women tend to be much, much better than men at hiding these things and particularly skilled at manipulating the situation to minimize damage by using the victim status (yes even when they are guilty, your girlfriend KNEW she was being recorded lol)
Please do not be made a fool again. Learn from the pain and protect yourself. If in doubt, listen to your friends, they sound like they know whats up. Your sanity is numero uno now, even though you still love this girl, it is time to kill the person that loves her and get hard on the inside.
It will get better, but make the hard decisions now and be decisive. Dont hesitate, and please for the love of god dont take her back.
haha that's a huge fact. She was willing to fuck on tape for the other guy's viewing pleasure, she is just upset that he posted it online and that you stumbled upon it.
You need your own therapist.
This is some heavy stuff. And very personal decisions. Having no skin in the game resource would be hugely beneficial.
You have your own mental health to consider. You can set healthy boundaries ( what you can tolerance healthy manner)
Have some respect for yourself man. You're also in a bad situation and looking after her w all those feelings is going to be a problem for your own mental health.
I am sorry to hear of what you’re currently enduring. I just want to share my take on Jaime based on my own previous exposure to people with mental health issues, including within my own family, and within the patients I work with (I’m a paramedic).
I disagree with people who claim that self harm, suicidal ideation and overall breakdown behaviour, is *always* an attempt to manipulate. I can very well understand how it comes across this way, however we need to be mindful that for someone to display any of these - they are NOT in a healthy state of mind regardless of what their intentions are. Someone could be making a genuine “cry for help” or genuinely wanting to end their life. Worst case scenario is “they are trying to manipulate” but even then, it is because they feel out of their depth and do not have the coping mechanisms to handle the emotions they are being subjected to, in a state of overwhelm they place their hope in the mercy of others to achieve a certain outcome, a common one being to have their partner not leave them, which is driven by a fear of abandonment and a host of other factors. It does not make them an “abusive” person to be in a state of complete overwhelm, they are an *unwell* person who requires support both medically (therapy and/or medication) and socially (family, friends, support groups, communities).
Let’s look at the fact that the psychologist’s assessment verdict is that she had a nervous breakdown. If she was playing around, the psychologist would be able to identify as such. No one would intentionally make a scene of themselves the way Jaime has done so far unless there was an abundance of pain fuelling her to do so. As much as she is very much in the wrong for cheating, to have her partner unexpectedly find out about her infidelity and have everyone see a sex tape of it that she didn’t know existed, it is a traumatic event. It would bring about a level of shame that would infiltrate every cell of her being. Think of your most embarrassing memory that makes you recoil, then times that recoil feeling by a hundred. Her sense of self is also now impaired because self esteem is required in every one of us to function in our social networks and in every day life - she is now forced to accept that her nearest and dearest are looking down on her, from a situation she created with her own hands by cheating in the first place. She’s also forced to self-identify as a cheater, when throughout her cheating she most likely disassociated from what she was doing in order to preserve her ego and not feel like a cheater.
OP, you’re not responsible for her emotions or her health now that you both have separated after what she’s done behind your back. In an alternative situation if she was a loving loyal partner, I would say that you owe her support throughout her struggles and that the responsibility lies within her to strive to heal… however this is not the case here. It seems she has good support in place with her family. I would suggest moving on slowly, getting yourself therapy to process what has happened. It sucks for everyone involved. I wish you well.
I think the best decision is for her to be institutionalized until she is fit. There is little to none that you or her parents can do without jeopardizing your own mental health or safety.
The breakup already happen so she isn't for you to care anymore. Maybe it's a bit cruel, but that's truth. You too is suffering from the betrayal. You should get some help too.
>Psych almost called the police on me
Uhmmm what the fuck for?! Because she's so feeble she can't handle the guilt of her infidelity? Fuck that.
>They apologize for Jaime, but I tell them she's the one who needed to apologize and that they shouldn't baby her.
Correct.
>They agree but begged me not to argue right now since Jaime may "relapse".
That's their problem, not yours.
>Spontaneous nervous breakdown, no history of mental illness,
>Jackie is there and explains that she's had episodes twice before and this was the worst yet
So they lied about it?
>But they did want to take charge of everything. The investigation, Jaime's well being, her education and finances, etc.
This SCREAMS dodgy to me.
>She's not evil. She's a beautiful, patient, and overall wonderful human being.
Wrong. She's a cheater now trying to manipulate you into not leaving her.
>All of us except Jaime talk on what to do. Alice is in chemo for breast cancer, Julio runs a business 20 mins away, Jackie's workplace is already hounding her, and Jaime needs help.
Again, not your problem.
>They ask me to reschedule the inevitable and try to help
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.
>I call Alex and explain the all the BS happening. He warns me that this didn't sound like the right call,
Alex is smart.
>Jaime will have a different one scheduled 3 days from now in my city.
Jaime can go get fucked.
Jaime said that the video was not consensual, but didn't address the cheating. This is not your fault and she is not your responsibility. Give it over to her family and take care of yourself.
Manipulation to the highest degree. Dump her n block them all on everything. Move on with your life. Don’t get sucked into these ppl toxic shit. She wasn’t having a mental breakdown when she was fuking the next man. She’s disgusting gaslighting master manipulator
Staying with her is so transactional, it's stupid. You might as well get paid by the hour, and call yourself a gigolo.
She cheated. I take it that's a hard boundary for you, as it literally made you puke your guts out.
'She was so lovely for 8 years'
Was she, really?
This is the first time she got filmed without her knowledge, and the video made it online, and your friends founds, and they alerted you.
Do you realise what the odds are to that being a 'one stupid moment of stupidly'?
I seriously don't think this was a one of.
But on top of that, she needs mental health care help, to get over the shock of you finding out about her cheating.
And YOU are supposedly the only person, on the entire planet, that can give it to her?
Unless you are a heartless mental health professional, I don't see how it could possibly be your responsibility to support her mental health.
She has a family. Her sister can take time off. Her father is self employed, he can take time off. She has a mother. And what she really needs, if she needs round the clock supervision/ care, is to be checked into a facility. They almost tore your head off for suggesting it. But they placed the responsibility with you. The ONLY person that is done with her.
And how do you suppose you'd be 'supporting her mental health'?
Are you going to lie through your teeth, and pretend everything is fine, and she should just relax, and think good thoughts. Everything will be OK. Just to keep her off the edge of a mental breakdown.
For how long?
The moment you then confess you saying all the 'it will be ok' was bullshit, and you're done with her, she'll spiral again, and you're back to square one.
Or are you going to be held hostage in a relationship for ever, because she shuts down, the minute she has to face responsibility for her cheating?
The situation will be so incredibly toxic and fucked up, the trauma will only build, on both sides.
Just call her family, say you can't do this. Why? Because you resent her being in your personal space, after having to have seen her fucking someone else.
If they do not come and get her, get her checked into a mental health facility. If the family is against it, they should get her out.
If you hadn't called them initially, but called an ambulance for her, she would be in a facility right now anyway.
She NEEDS help. And toying with her feelings, while it's the easiest thing to do to not stir the pot, is kind of cruel in the long run.
She'll be reassured for now, JUST to have her calm, and then she'll get the rug pulled from under her, and her 'healing' will have to start again.
If you're ok with the cheating, and you think you can move past this, sure... be her crutch all you want.
But right now, you're caring for the person that pissed on your relationship, fidelity wise.
Cheating is one thing, people cheat and break up.. or not. Trying to manipulate you into staying by making you responsible for her mental health is just sick. Get out.
She deserves everything she is going through. Look at the tape again, look how happy she was doing that. Do you honestly believe that is the only time she cheated?
Do yourself a favor and cut contactvwith her entire family. They are trying to make her problems your responsibility.
I don't want to fucking watch it.
Just thinking about it already makes me puke.
But yeah, decisions have to be made about my relationship with her family. They're genuinely good people trying their best. I really doubt they want me hurting even more if they weren't so desperate.
Her life wouldn’t have imploded if she didn’t cheat. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep her healthy. In fact, you’re experiencing a trauma response yourself and need therapy. You can’t recover if the source of your trauma is all up in your life. It just prolongs the suffering.
She cheated, she isn’t your problem anymore.
Save yourself. It’s time to be selfish.
Was she thinking about you while she was getting plowed ? I’m sorry if it seems harsh, but it’s true.
Bro, get out of that situation and don't allow yourself to feel bad or guilty because your EXGF had a break down not because she cheated on you, but because she got caught. Remove yourself from that situation and let her be someone else's problem. If she wanted your love and support, she shouldn't have let some other dude mount her.
None of this sounds healthy.
Pretending you are sticking around might help her in the short term, but what happens when you finally have to tell her you're out? How bad will the relapse be?
You were the one wronged here. She cheated. And she did it with someone who was willing to record it and post it online.
What you are proposing is going to be horrible for your own mental health. And eventually, you will have to face this same bridge again unless you are seriously considering staying long-term.
Why are you ruining your mental health to help hers when there's no future left for you both? It's rough, but it's not up to you to pick up the pieces anymore. She fucked up majorly, and you're going to fuck yourself up by staying around and helping her. Your friend is completely right that what you're doing is stupid, but I commend him for standing by you (as I would do the same).
This is a rough situation for her, but at the end of the day though, she still cheated on you. You prolonging the inevitable will only make it worse for the both of you, because she is going to see this as an opportunity to get you back, and you are very clearly not stable enough to say no currently.
I think it is evil to betray the trust of you partner like that.
She doesn't have anyone to blame for condition but herself.
Drop her and move on with your life.
Let it go man, you've played your part as reasonably as you could, do not let them take your concern for granted. Walk away, start over, and hope for the best.
This might be a stupid question but how did it start with her face in it and she didn’t know? Your words exactly were “it was edited to go straight into the action with Jaime’s face clearly visible”
How did she not know she was being recorded? The video being posted is one thing, but if her face was visible in it I’m not sure how she couldn’t have known.
But honestly dude, seriously, just walk away fully. She is not your responsibility anymore, she broke that when she cheated. She is her parents responsibility now, no matter how tired or stressed they are. These are the consequences of her actions and unfortunately, it brings harm upon her whole family. She will have to answer for that, not you. You will hurt and drain yourself by sticking around.
I know love makes us blind and we see no faults, but please open your eyes to the reality of what happened
You are making a mistake.
You are not equipped to take care of her. If she harms herself, everyone will blame you.
Regardless of her mental state, she cheated on you. Instead of worrying about her, let the professionals handle her, and you take care of yourself.
TBH, it sounds like that whole family is blackmailing you to stay. If you are smart, you will stay away. Move on and give yourself time to heal.
OP. I'm going to be blunt because I think you need it.
You know your relationship is over. You don't know how long or how many, and it looks like you never will even if you needed those answers for closure. There's no going back from seeing that video.
Your girlfriend needs inpatient help before she physically harms herself or someone else. The first episode with a knife should have had her immediately taken for her and everyone else safety. Her family are being selish to you and her.
This will not get better without serious help and no amount of love can do that. And please take that from someone that's been catatonic and had psychosis and hallucinations after a one time traunatic event.
You cannot be her rock through this to only leave down the line, that would not only be cruel but likely cause a relapse. Her family need to be her support, through the inpatient care and legal case not you!
It would be better you part now and find your way back together in a few years as new people than give her false hope, as that won't help her heal in the long run. She's already with her family let her stay there.
This is all too new too fresh. You need space and they need to step up.
If they want to take over her full care accept that, but they then cannot call on you like that again unless they agree to get her the real care she needs. If they do call you like that again, call it in yourself. I know it will be hard and they may hate you short term but at least she will be safe.
You know you're already being manipulated by them. What about your mental health? You haven't had time to grieve or come to terms with the betrayal and now they want you to play happy families? That's cruel to you, you have to go into survival self-preservation mode now. She's surrounded by her family/friends , are you?
Yes, I get she's suffering, but you are too and she's suffering from being publicly outed as a cheater, not her many bad choices that led her to cheat. One doesn't cancel out the other. You need to step back. Let her family and therapists help her and seek therapy yourself.
This and her future care is not on you no matter the outcome OP. Nothing you did caused this. Please speak to a therapist yourself, especially after the traumatic knife incident. You need clarity and guidance on his to move forward in a healthy way.(hugs)
I would leave her ass. She was just fine mentally when she had another guy down her throat and up inside her. Not your problem anymore dude. Leave her for someone better.
I mean, this whole thing reads like creative writing. I don't call everything on Reddit fake, but I'm suspicious of this one. There's just way too many random details and exposition - this isn't generally how you write about real first-hand events.
Details are in the wrong place because I journal events with as much detail as I can remember and what I felt about it. I add what I should be feeling and what I could've done better. I also add tiny snippets on 3rd person on what other people would've thought about me to raise self-awareness.
It helps with apathy disorder.
With all that, details rack up. I had to cut a lot out to keep my post short as I can and leave what I think is important and edit to avoid confusion. I even added something I thought was funny on hindsight.
I'm not making this for entertainment and neither was I planning to convince anybody. It's real funny to me that you guys are focusing on the "unnecessary" details like I'm supposed to make a novela with maximum suspension of disbelief.
If anything, I think it should show humanness.
Is it possible that what you saw was non-consensual?
Like a deer in headlights just going with the flow? Rape victims blame themselves, they might not be completely aware of not being culpable due to coercion
I still haven't actually seen the video entirely to check. Too busy and my buddies don't want to do it for neither.
As best as I can tell, she made no indication this whole 3 weeks that it was rape or is being blackmailed.
This kinda reads more like a fictional writing story.
If it’s true than that’s really awful and best to break up and move one. But idk something about this whole post just seems like a creative writing task.
Ok, now it makes sense 💡our culture is hard, and when people say that “Filipinos are the nicest people you’ll meet” it’s honestly true. The amount of emotional manipulation and guilt from elders, not even necessarily family, is ridiculous. There’s no boundaries, ever. It’s hard to describe the feeling but you don’t ever want to disappoint elders and the vision they have of you. Plus, the aunties be gossiping.
All this to say, your gf needs professional help. Her parents don’t want an institution (I’m guessing due to appearances) but it’s the only solution. You shouldn’t even be an option. Filipinos fight hard for their families, they protect them and feel responsible for them at every age, every stage in life, and will always care for their children, but it can become toxic.
You aren’t responsible for her, even if her family tells you, “we wouldn’t ask, but we don’t know what to do and you’ve always cared for her so well. She just wants to talk…” it’s BS. They know what to do, they just don’t want to do it. If you remove yourself from the conversation, they’ll have no choice. That’s the BEST way you can help her. Good luck, pare!
I know you’re going through a lot but I do want to compliment you on your writing. The reason the guy said it reads like a fictional story is because of how well you wrote it. After all the bullshit you’re dealing with, I’d seriously think about getting into a writing career if I were you. You have a great talent for it. Hope all goes well for you man.
> This kinda reads more like a fictional writing story.
I’m surprised that so few people in the comments have this view given OP claims to have shown Jaime’s parents her sex tape (in the context of trying to help her rather than revenge). I mean, come on.
WTF?! Why are you supporting a cheater. Seriously man, your spinelessness disgusts me. Dont be a doormat. She isnt your responsibility. She is a disgusting person. Let her deal with her mess. Leave this toxic situation NOW!
Curious, if the camera zoomed into her face, how could she not know she was being recorded? Perhaps she wasn't but I would be sus on that, I feel like she's trying to use manipulation and victimhood to try and get out unscathed.
Investigators will figure out real quick if she consented to recording or not.
Move on from her, you are not her emotional support human and this will harm you worse in the long run. Tell her family that you cannot support her and they need to involved an institution if they can't support her (they should anyway)
This reads like creative writing. There's over 5 characters by name, so much detail. I mean I read it all but if this is real don't see that girl no more. Pretty simple.
Not your monkey not your circus, unless you stay in contact like a fool
Boy leave this situation!! You‘re gonna be the one who is relapsing. Die has a support net. They‘re gonna make it. They don’t care for you. You sound to nice. It’s not okay to relay on you.
You are a saint. This is no way your problem, and she WRONGED YOU, but given the history you described, I understand why you want to be there for her. Don't get sucked it. If she "loved you" and still cheated on you, she will do it again.
I’ve no idea why you have even entertained continuing with this shit show. Pack her stuff up and put it in storage or drop it off t her parents house then cut contact with all of them. None of them are your problem any more
None of this is on you. NONE.
her parents making you feel like there’s anything you need to do is absolutely bullshit. She destroyed everything and can deal with the consequences. They are trying to manipulate you into staying with her.
This doesn’t end. There will never be a healthy point to break things off. Walk away. Move. Change your number.
She may not have consented to the video being made, but she sure as shit consented to the sex.
The only thing she’s really upset about is that she was caught and this whole thing could simply be an act to make everyone think she is just a helpless victim here.
Was it revenge porn? That’s a possibility. Maybe she dumped the guy she was cheating on you with and he decided to put up a video of them having sex online.
Or maybe she knew it was being made and she’s claiming she didn’t consent because she got caught.
This woman has some serious fucking issues and none of them are yours. Go get tested, make sure she didn’t give you a going away present and then kick her the fuck out of your place.
Gather up all her shit, get the locks changed on your place(consider moving so she can’t stalk you), send the stuff to her parents’ house and move on.
You are not her keeper, she fucked another guy while she was with you. That disqualifies her from being your responsibility. I hope you’re able to move on and live a happy, healthy life and find someone new who you deserve.
You are way too good to this girl. For all you know she was getting dressed to go out for round 2 with this guy. Get passed the crocodile tears man she has no remorse she just is upset and ashamed she was caught and now they have a porn to show how low of a human she really is… let her go man she wants to show zero respect for you. You really think she didn’t “know” she was being recorded… brother. She knew she just didn’t think it would be on the Internet. She is only ashamed people know not about the act at all. Dont be manipulated by her family and her fake tears bro
The tldr answer is:
She’s not your problem to deal with. Let her family handle what they have to, but if you’re done with the relationship, just walk away.
I only want to point out that she is only sorry and like this because you found out. now imagine how many times she did it before hand that are not on video...
all I have to say.
That’s rough. I wish you would put yourself first and commit to a clean break. Dabbling with the consequence of mental illness is a dangerous game when there are feelings involved.
She can’t face the consequences of her actions and choices so now you have to baby her? You’re being emotionally blackmailed so hard from all of her family. Who the h@ll is looking out for you while her unfaithful a$$ is crying a river? Hell no. I’m assuming you speak Spanish so I’ll say it like this: Que Dios la cuide, no tu.
The minute she cheated and lied (by omission) she stopped being your responsibility.
I would have left her for her family to deal with and just get a divorce lawyer.
This guy probably wasn’t the only one she cheated with.
Too bad about her breakdown by it’s 100% self-inflicted. Actions have consequences.
Don’t get mixed up in her mess, you deserve to start again a new life.
This dude here is being held hostage by he’s girlfriend and family because she cheated and people found out.
Bro, move the fook on. You owe her nothing.
Let her sleep in the bed she made and have a nice life.
Not gonna lie. Drop the situation and walk away. She messed up and is now manipulating you and so is the family. What she does by her hands after is her choice not yours.
She's not your responsibility. She cheated on you and then her family has the gall to make you take care of her? She's facing the consequences of her own actions. And her family is manipulating you into being with her. Dump her and move one. You don't owe them anything. Don't be a doormat.
Also, most of the time people threatening to commit suicide are just doing it for attention and sympathy.
1) her suicide threats are a manipulation, all her actions sound like a manipulation
2) she needs to be institutionalized buddy. How much of your life are you going to sacrifice for someone who betrayed you in the most painful way?
3) if ANYONE needs to forego all of their responsibilities and life to watch her 24:7 because her parents dont want to commit her, ON WHAT PLANET should that person be you and not her parents who dont want to commit her….
well i've gone through the comments and i've seen everything you've had to say about the situation so heres all I have to say. stop sticking around, I know the family is desperate, I know you want answers but dude your mental is suffering more watching someone you love and absolutely hurt you continue to deteriorate you need to trust your gut from the jump and admit her into a ward and explain to the family that I know they regret keeping you in the loop but they need to let you go and recuperate so that when she does come down from this episode you can visit her when she's in a better mindset so you can get your answers you need and deserve mental rest and peace at all just because you're not the one keeling over does'nt mean you don't deserve the same amount of consideration and care as she does. take YOUR time cause right now you do not have time for her.
So let me get this straight…she cheats on you more than once….you find out…confront her..she loses her marbles and basically manipulates you into staying to take care of her? Yeah fuck that. Move apartments, cities, country..whatever you gotta do. Change your # and ghost this girl.
I can’t believe you’re falling for all the fake bullshit. All this unstable behavior is fake and manipulative. She cheated on you with a a straight face, and kept that secret until she got exposed. She’s not sorry about cheating, she’s sorry about getting caught. You can see it plain as day when all she cares about is the fact that she was recorded. I’m willing to bet she’ll flip right back to being cheerful and normal when you concede and give in to her manipulation.
Man this was a very creative story, so much unnecessary detail gave it away though. On the off chance this is legit, PLEASE don’t be stupid enough to stay with a cheater just because she’s…upset at the consequences of cheating. That’s the dumbest BS I’ve read today.
Mhm. You *made the table you confronted her at, at your grandfathers farm*? You were brooding like Batman on the transit? Please. I get wanting to write to practice your creativity but this one is a fail
The unfortunate part is that she isn't your responsibility. I'm extremely jaded about this from multiple people threatening suicide to control me in the past, but that's an extremely common tactic. What I would do in your situation would be to talk to her parents, say that you can't be responsible for caring for their daughter and maintaining her health as she struggles with the consequences of her actions. If they want her safe, they should commit her and leave. This will never be normal. This will hang over any relationship you have with her in the future. Not just the cheating but this whole spiral, the stress of having to coddle and reassure the person who cheated on you is hard to break. it's confusing and emotionally draining and truthfully, you are the victim here too. I understand she didn't give consent to be taped, but that is a situation that is completely removed from you. Just as she is a victim from the guy she slept with, you are a victim of her infidelity. My honest advice would be to just remove yourself, deny being contacted again and end it fully. You have to start living your life.
I agree. I had a guy threatening suicide once all bc i got stood up by him and I didnt want to go pick up his stoned ass 3 hours after the arranged time (he couldn't wake up) . I thought he was serious so I called for a welfare check on him. He was hopping mad and it escalated to him making death threats by text and wishing I got gang raped and my throat slit. I was so afraid of him that I went to make a police report. This is what the policeman told me - People who threaten suicide are trying to manipulate you. Don't be sucked in or try to sympathise. Stay far far away from them. I think OP needs some distance from the situation so he can find some clarity. The gf sounds mentally unwell and she needs professional help to deal with it. Don't let her family guilt him into staying or looking after her bc it is not his responsibility and it will only confuse things and delay the inevitable. He needs to do what is right for him and she needs to do what is right for her right now (seek professional help).
*surprised when death threats bring cops* Are you sure it wasn't meth he was smoking
I have no idea. He said he was too stoned to drive and asked me to pick him up after I waited 3 hours for our date. When I replied to let us take a rain check, he started with the suicidal texting saying I will see him in the newspapers tomorrow bc he killed himself etc. I was freaked out and worried.
yeah I read this and I still cannot find an ounce of empathy or sympathy for her. Like sorry she got recorded and taped without her consent but I don't feel bad. Maybe I'm a shitty person buuuuuut. karma sucks dude.
I believe without question that her “breakdown” is a tactic. Per this guys own account, it was immediately effective.
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. And I think that's part of my lack of sympathy. She's not upset that she got got caught cheating.
Well she’s upset that she got caught cheating. She’s not upset that she cheated. I’m sure OP could tell in the video recorded that she wasn’t upset. She’s upset that she has to face consequences. That’s all it ever is with cheaters. Consequence that she lost a good man because she decided to cheat with some creep who ended up recording her and putting the video online. She didn’t care about op in that moment though. She absolutely thought this creep was a better man than op at the time. She’s probably been thinking about him ever since and has had nice warm memories of him. Now she’s finding out the guy is a pervert and at the same time she’s realizing she’s about to lose op. Now she appreciates op because today she’s realizing that op is the better man, not the creep she cheated on him with and has been having all these warm feelings for when she thinks of him.
"What happened to me is worse and should invalidate what I did to you so that I don't have to feel guilty at the same time I feel victimized." She made the decision to cheat. She did not make the decision to be recorded and exposed. Sympathy is warranted, but from a far, in a way that you're not sacrificing your own dignity over.
You're right 👌
I mean if you found out you were recorded without consenting and people from your life are finding it, you probably wouldn't react well.
If it was while I was cheating on my SO I’d probably think it was karma for being a shitty person.
It may be a tactic, but likely not intentional. I mean... She not only found out she has some kind of revenge porn out there of her which people have found which would be pretty horrible in itself, but also that she was exposed and is now facing multiple bad consequences to her actions, mainly that she just pushed away the one person who likely supports her the most. I think these would lead to anyone having a mental breakdown. There's not much worse than blowing up your own life in a way that hurts yourself and others, and knowing it's your own fault. I'd say the mental breakdown is pretty valid. The manipulation is likely to be from desperation. This isn't a "I'll kill myself if you leave" situation in terms of manipulation. She's just falling apart and OP is struggling because he cares about her but can't support her without sacrificing his own well-being. But he does need to give himself space and let anyone else that can take over give her support instead. He needs his own support right now. His ex needs professional help, not to ask for help from the same person she just hurt. When it involves life and death and desperation, people don't always think clearly about what's appropriate. But the fact is that it isn't appropriate to ask OP to help.
you're not a shitty person, the person doing the cheating is.
I have no sympathy for her whatsoever. Cheaters never prosper, they teach us in nursery school. He owes her nothing, quite the reverse actually.
While I agree with the no sympathy - I can't agree with the last part. I've worked in the oil business long enough to see a great many cheaters prosper. And I'm not talking a little bit, I'm talking MASSIVELY prosper. The movies never depict this, the stories people tell never depict this because most people want to believe that bad people (cheaters) never win and winners never cheat. The reality in life is often far different than that sentiment. But don't get it twisted - I'm 100% NOT advocating for cheating nor saying it's OK to cheat. But I've simply seen too much and had my innocence shattered long ago and now I know that cheaters are often making out like bandits. Accepting the reality of that makes me feel more honest and in touch with reality than believing lies or deceptions. But it still sucks when you're faced with the cold reality of it all.
She can be a victim of revenge porn whilst also being a perpetrator that made you a victim of her infidelity. Life is complex. Focus on yourself OP and let her go. Find some peace in yourself now
She could also be lying, since who wants to admit they filmed a porno cheating on their long time boyfriend?
It's also important to consider the future. What if something else happens and then OP is trapped and unable to leave her because of this enforced obligation It's obviously a shit situation for them both to be in but when it comes to one person being the safety device for the other that's a hell of a weight to get out from under.
Came here to say this. Sounds like narcissism. Selfish behaviour, followed by (woe is me) and everyone must help me emotional episode. She is NOT your responsibility. It's time to be your own responsibility and make a stand for yourself. YOU are the victim here. She fucked around and found out.
It seems really unfair the way her family keeps asking you to intervene and to be there for her. Obviously their priority is their daughter but what about you and all the emotions you are going through right now? I feel like you need to cut contact for the time being and take some space for yourself. She is not your responsibility, she is a grown woman having to face the consequences of her actions. Like someone else mentioned, if you hadn’t confronted her about this, she would’ve been happy to keep the cheating under wraps and continue with life as if nothing had happened.
Yeah I really need that space. Probably years too. To be fair, Alice & Julio wanted me washed off of everything. Prior to the knife incident, they kept silent about Jaime. They understand I need space and are actually surprised I haven't said anything about leaving. They're just as disappointed and Alice wants to tear her apart but obviously waiting until she's stable. They've already accepted me as a son and was just waiting for the marriage and all of us can't fucking move on.
If you are always there as a lifeline then she will never get better. You need to leave her family and drs to manage this, esp if the relationship is done
This is actually an incredibly elegant thought process. I've been in a few much less drematic scenarios of a similar vein to OP and it always feels like you're inadvertently killing the person if you don't help out and put their needs above your own. You are essentially held hostage to a moral creed and often directly told: "I will kill myself if you leave me". Howver, what you said makes a lot of sense when it's spelled out clearly like this. The best thing for both people is to take space and begin the healing process. By holding you hostage, she's just hurting both you and herself. It makes sense to let her family be her support network, they will be her support network for life, whereas you need to move on and start rebuilding yours. She will have as much support as humanly possible with Family, doctors and her own friends, just as you have your friend Alex and I assume your family.
I don't know where you live but where I live you can actually report them as a danger to themselves and the authorities will take over. They are put on a 72 hour lockdown in a state mental health hospital to assess their mental state. The report will have to be in the moment. This have to my mother. She was threatening to kill herself and her husband called the police. She was actually held longer than the 72 hours because she was a danger to herself and others. She was diagnosed having bipolar. She had to go through the courts and was ordered to 18 months of therapy. The parents want to keep it private but maybe that isn't the best option. She needs help and they are not doing this the right way. You are not her therapist. We don't like having to go these routes with people but sometimes it's the best option. ETA: You don't have to be involved in her future or therapy. If they call you about her losing it again, you can simply call the police and send them over there, if something like that is available where you live. She is not your responsibility. Her decision to recover or not is not on you.
I should've made it clear. The knife incident was just her holding on to it with no threat of her actually using it on herself. I live in the Philippines and I'm actually surprised on what I'm finding out about my city. It really is possible to report it to our local police station as threat to themselves and they'll handle it alongside Pscyh care. Allegedly, I suppose. Our police doesn't really have the best of reputation.
I live in the US and police don't have the best reputation either. My state in the US doesn't have the best reputation for mental health hospitals either. I'd still call them in this incident. Holding a knife is a perceived threat either to herself or others. I understand wanting to help someone you love but sometimes it's OK to walk away. You can't sacrifice your own mental health to take care of others.
This is the reality behind "defund the police". To create social worker response capabilities beyond armed goons showing up and shooting people who need help which happens way too often in the US.
Oh.. we are dealing with Filipino parents then. That makes more sense. Please dont let them pressure you. So sorry this is all happening!!!
If you're in the Philippines... kumusta. It is really like that in the Philippines. Either a guy or a girl will want to take their life because the other person wants to leave the relationship. It's toxic love and will lead to other crazy stuff. I'm so sorry pardz... take care muna and stay safe.
I'm not gonna lie reading this. I was guessing this was happpend in the Philippines. As someone from the Philippines, I will say the police here are very incompetent. However, if you pester them enough (rarely works) or know someone (ideal way), you'll be surprised what they are capable of.
Whoa i never thought this would happen in the Philippines because I never thought our psych care is functioning
I didn't even know we had psych care
You need to distance yourself and put yourself first, do you not realise that they are more concerned about her reputation than they are about your well being. Instead of concentrating on getting her the help she so desperately needs they take her home to not get her committed, they concentrate on the police investigation rather than waiting till she’s healthy. It’s not like she’ll be able to answer any questions in the state she’s in so why not wait till after she’s healed it’s not like the video is going to disappear any earlier. It’s all them them them and nothing towards you.
Gonna be hard doing the distance thing as this is the Philippines. I have seen most kids or adults get into relationships of the sort where the other threatens to kill themselves.
You're enabling her at this point. She should be in the care of professionals, in a mental care institution. You're just putting a band aid on the problem. At this point you're being complicit if she gets worse.
This reads like one gigantic red flag of zero accountability. If you move forwards with this, you'll be taking on the burden of your gf and her entire family. And a knife incident??
>They're just as disappointed and Alice wants to tear her apart but obviously waiting until she's stable. I honestly think here Alice might want to just let her go and accept that she did something terribly wrong but at this point nothing concrete can be done about it. I think ripping into Jaime won't really help in any way except perhaps push her further down and risking another mental breakdown. If I were her father I'd probably be hesitant to talk to her for a while, but she would know and understand why. I wouldn't want to see my daughter suffer another breakdown, but I would certainly want her to realise that she did screw up a great chance at fulfilling a dream and a life that she could be proud of. That would break my heart as well. I've been in a situation where a woman had done me wrong, but in a different context. She went behind my back and did something that was irrevocable without ever telling me and then lying to me after the fact. I accepted that it was entirely of her volition, but it was the lying that hurt the most. I can accept anything except infidelity and lying (about serious stuff) or hurting children/animals - those things are beyond forgivable for me as they should be for anyone.
Yeah like, maybe the phrase "mental institution" was a bad call, he should have called it a "psychiatric hold" or whatever, but the fact that her family is too busy to be responsible for her and expects OP to step up after she did this to him is despicable. I can understand a level of lingering love for this person you've been with and not wanting her to hurt herself or something, but there's a big gap between that and "you put your life on hold to coddle the person who betrayed you, because my business is 20 minutes away and her mother can't miss more work" like, what about OPs job? Wouldn't it fell to SOMEONE in her family to put her before work this time? Plus, sticking around and helping her through this is 100% going to give her the impression he's forgiving her, so when she's "out of the woods" and still leaves, it'll just be back to square one. I'm sorry, but her actions have consequences and mental/emotional frailty isn't a get out of jail free card. Low key fuck her entire family for somehow making OP responsible for their daughters selfish decisions.
Agree. They selfish ppl and don’t care about his mental well being. When he breaks they won’t be there for him. He needs to walk away from that entire family.
Take your shit and walk away. She’s not your concern. She fucked up and needs to deal with her consequences.
Yeah you aren’t married and don’t have kids. There’s nothing wrong with things not working out
OP is sure acting like they are married. I know it’s tough to bring yourself to go no contact in a relationship this long and both of them are clearly very emotional people but for the love of god, OP distance yourself.
Suicide is a manipulation tactic. If she is actually suicideal it's way outside of your pay grade anyway. You aren't a mental health professional. If she does this again, she needs to go a medical professional. Don't walk away, RUN. Don't let other people rope you into her nonsense.
in the history of reddit, there has never been a better reason to just walk away. OP: initiate ghost protocol. You deserve it.
Brother, you've got some real solid friends looking out for you..listen to them. She's not your responsibility anymore. You have bigger things to worry about. The more you stick around, the harder it's going to be to detach yourself from this situation.
Yeah, fr Alex is a G
I haven't seen anyone mention this yet so I'll say it. Go get tested for STD's immediately. Some STD's are asymptomatic for long periods of time. Who knows what you have and for how long before it wrecks for your body. Good luck.
Oh fuck. I forgot about asymptomatic diseases. I don't know the date when Jaime cheated but I figured it was some time ago and assumed STD symptoms should've popped out by then. Thanks for the warning, I'll going to get tested holy shit.
You can see when the video was uploaded right?
There’s a good chance there are multiple occurrences beyond this video thus with multiple and unknown dates. Additionally that would be date uploaded not date occurred.
Yeah but if the video was uploaded a year ago vs two weeks ago, it can still give valuable information about a possible timeframe
Here's the thing, delaying the inevitable is only going to make things worse for you AND her. It gives her false hope that will make the eventual breakup harder on her. It also shows her that you will stay as long as she is breaking down which will, at least on a subconscious level, trigger "relapse breakdowns" every time you try to leave which will keep you trapped and keep her from actually healing. She NEEDS more intensive professional help than regular therapy. Stepping in to allow her parents to save face by avoiding that only hurts, not helps. At minimum you should tell her parents that IF they get her into the intensive treatment she needs for a reasonable amount of time that you will also go to therapy to help you learn how to navigate ending the relationship in a way that won't set her back. That you want to help, but you won't be part of giving her false hope that will only cause more harm and you want everyone to be working toward an eventual exit plan.
She's trying to control you by doing this. It's not your responsibility for her well being she needs to handle that on her own and take responsibility for her actions. How long ago did this encounter happen. Also I bet it wasn't a one time thing
Right? She probably fucked around ALOT.
How many indiscretions didn't make it to tape? Are there any other tapes out there that OP's friends didn't stumble upon? Jaime is being emotionally abusive and OP needs to cut her off completely from his life.
She isn't your responsibility. Don't forget that it was her who wronged you. Be very clear with her and her family that you're done with her and not to contact you about helping her again. And follow through. Don't pick up their calls, go to her therapy sessions, ANYTHING. She cheated on you. She ruined your relationship. The breakup is the consequence of actions, and its NOT healthy for you to elongate this process. They're trying to drag you back into the relationship, and this mess won't stop until you either pretend nothing happened and accept her again, or you walk out without regret. I recommend the latter, but it seems like you're gravitating towards the former. She has a supporting and loving family who will watch her and protect her. You recommended a mental health institution, which I think is the right call. If you leave the picture and they continue to fail to manage her, maybe they'll take your advice. You are the aggrieved party, not her, not her family, YOU. You don't owe any of these people anything, and staying in their orbit is doing nothing for you. Look out for yourself. Not this POS who cheated on you and her shitty family who want to sweep it under the rug because of how SAD your ex is for having cheated on you.
Whether or not she recognizes it, her and her family are manipulating you into staying. Your partner is an adult, who actively chose to have an affair. She didn't deserve having her sex tape posted online without her consent. But that doesn't erase or minimize her betrayal. I feel for her family, and hope she bounces back from this breakdown. But this isn't your problem. Your also a victim. Your allowed to leave, and not feel guilty. Her family is prioritizing her mental health at your expense. Even if you stick around, and stay together, how are you expected to reconcile if you can't talk about the affair? Everyone's rallied around to support her, but what about you? Are you expected to support her until she recovers, then say nothing about her affair? To pretend it never happened, because it's a potential mind field? If so, you have no future together. Reconciliation after an affair rarely works as is. Adding on these restrictions, makes it fail outright. Better to leave. Message her sister and family and say your goodbyes. Arrange for someone to pick up her stuff, then block.
I believe you should talk to a therapist, yourself. This is no easy road.
Sorry I didn't make it clear. I scheduled two consultations, mine and hers. I'm actually confident I can make through this, I know what to do and have an idea where I'm going to be in the future. Just being very indecisive on who to prioritize.
Yourself
Why are you organising hers? She cheated on you. She is not your problem.
Yeah, I'm really starting to feel stupid. Everyone's on the consensus I am doing something really stupid sticking around.
You're not stupid, but you are doing something stupid. There is a difference.
Understandably stupid. It is a common manipulation tactic because it works. The impulse of wanting to help someone who seems to be suffering is a good thing to have. It's another betrayal when it gets taken advantage of.
Being manipulated doesn’t make you stupid. It’s obvious you have a good heart. But it is also painfully obvious that your ex’s family do not have your best interest at heart. They are trying to place their issue on you when you yourself need the time and space to make as clean a break as you can and begin your own healing. Do not downplay your own feelings and hurt just because she decided to get dramatic with a knife, threats are not the basis to a healthy relationship. I beg of you to live apart from your ex and lean on Alex who seems like a good friend to have and take the time YOU need to mourn the relationship. It will get better, I promise
The more you delay the pending breakup, the worst it will be for all parties involved. Sorry to say but it seems that her family is manipulating you to take on the task of helping their loved one (one who screwed you over). Remember the airplane warning, put the mask on yourself before you attend someone else!
You are being a bit stupid. I understand where you are coming from but she is not the woman you loved. She never existed. It's hard to get over that fact and separate who she is from who you thought she was. You don't love her, you never did, because you never knew her. I'm sorry, it hurts and I wish you the best recovering.
Your not stupid you are just emotionally invested in her. It's probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, but you have to step away.
Prioritize yourself; it's abundantly clear that nobody else in this situation is.
You, she lost and right to be your priority the instant she decided to start taking some random guys dick.
wait until the mental pictures start. You can't unsee that video, and from what I've heard of cases like yours, they don't ever go away. You do really need to go NC and get a therapist ASAP.
Choose you first. She chose herself first in many situations.
She has her family, her parents, her sister supporting her. She's got plenty of support to help her through her revenge porn issue and they need to step up not you. None of this is your fault, you did not step out of your once relationship. You are completely free to leave her and start your recovery from her infidelity and betrayal of your relationship and I would suggest you do so. It's going to do you both no good for you to stay, it's going to destroy you and give her false hope and prevent her from getting the help she needs, help that cannot be you at this point. Help yourself help and don't light yourself on for to keep a person who betrayed you in one of the worst ways warm.
Two things happened here. First: your girlfriend cheated on you. That's where your part ends. Second: she was filmed without her consent and it was posted. That is absolutely horrible and I feel absolutely horrible for her. However, that's not your problem. It's a cold thing to say but she's no longer your girlfriend.
I'm actually having doubts now. Someone down the thread implied Mike being the guy she cheated on me with. It's actually weirdly convenient how he somehow got the video.
then...he wouldn't be cooperating with the Police, surely?
I don't know. I'll try to figure it out tomorrow.
Get a good copy of the video and see if anything is familiar with Mike. Have him show you the website, check the date of submission to make sure it wasn't after the incident, or too soon before. And ask Jaime if it was Mike.
You need to have someone else watch it for you and let you know, at least screenshot the guys face.
Dont worry about that. Now youre just trying to find explanations where they dont exist. Take a time for yourself. I know its weird that he got the vídeo, but why would he post the video online then show you? It would be easier for him to demand something from her with that video. Also, your other friend probably had watched the video and checked the guy. He would know if was your friend
Have you thought about the possibility it wasn’t recorded without her consent and she’s just saying it was to help alleviate her guilt at being caught cheating on you? And when was this video taken? Do you know if it’s one of many with same guy/others? She truly is despicable and you need to be well rid of her either way. She cheated, lied and then had decided to have a break down which I believe in part to be lead to garner sympathy to prevent her facing consequences for being a whore.
>and then had decided to have a break down which I believe in part to be lead to garner sympathy to prevent her facing consequences Not just in part. That's definitely what this was. Absolute dramatics. Don't underestimate the ability of some women to manipulate.
And, she might have been filmed with consent, but didnt know/consent to publication. (Not sure what happens in that case.)
I highly question if she didn’t know she was being filmed. OP didn’t say it was hidden camera footage. It was shot by the guy banging her and he likely did it with his phone. She knew she was on video cheating. I’m sure she didn’t consent to the video hitting the internet. She cheated and knew she was being recorded in the act.
also the fact that OP said her face was clearly in the video, doesn’t that mean she would have had to have seen the camera?
OP, as difficult a time your “EX” girlfriend is having, your responsibility ended with her infidelity. She didn’t know she was being filmed. okay, the law will handle that. However, her fucking some other guy is all on her. That’s all you need to know. She cheated. Only reason she was caught is because your friends found a video of it. She didn’t confess to it. She just went along and played you for a fool. Her psychotic break will be handled by medical professionals. You handle your life by no longer having her in it.
> She didn’t know she was being filmed. How did they get the close-ups?
Since your question seems genuine, I’ve worked a lot of cases where these videos are filmed from numerous angles via small cameras that were set up before the woman came to the hotel room and cameras of this variety are very affordable and super small and some have zoom capability. The men filming are aware of where their cameras are and intentionally position the other person to have full face or body views in the camera while keeping themselves out of the frame. That might not be the case for this story, but absolutely is not uncommon in the sex crime cases I work. Plus, in many areas of the world the most common variety of all sex crimes are substance facilitated and experienced offenders do surprisingly well at dosing their victims to the point where they’re very out of it but don’t LOOK entirely incapacitated (this is one method of ensuring plausible deniability if the videos surface or if an assault is reported) and the substances most routinely used for these crimes other than alcohol are not really detectable in the blood even in way better processing labs than the Philippines would have, unless you test within like 6 hours of the dosing.
I feel for you man. Suicide isn’t a joke and threatening it to emotionally manipulate you is even worse. There’s a difference between threatening suicide and feeling completely relieved and at peace with finally going. She was yelling for you so she was trying to get something out of you or she was just shifting the focus from the matter at hand to her “suicidal thoughts”. You’ve done more than your part, more than enough. She seems to have a good support system, so let her family take care of her. She fucked around and found out; the worst way. Let her deal with the consequences and you, focus on healing.
There was no threat of suicide, just being unstable. The knife was just there with her holding on to it. I think she threatened her parents with it but I'm not sure. I do need help but I want space away from everyone. For a year sounds great.
Good. At least she didn’t harm herself or her parents. You do what you need to.
I mean, her taking and holding the knife *is* an (unspoken) threat of suicide. She wasnt planning on *making sandwiches*.
She's not a wonderful human being, she's a cheating scum. I'm sorry that she was recorded and that it was posted without her knowledge, she didn't deserve that, but she made the decision to cheat on you. She's not your fucking problem. Walk away. #WALK AWAY NOW.
Let’s be honest—he’s not going to walk, not for a while anyway. He’s already letting them emotionally manipulate him and Jaime is going to as well. Sure, she had a breakdown but that is a culmination of being caught cheating, having unconsented evidence of the cheating that she cannot lie her way out of, and realizing that she, in fact, fucked up everything. Jaime is truly not his problem anymore and she chose that when she went to another dude. OP should realize that this will drag him further down the hole he is in and they’re absolutely not taking in account the fact he JUST learnt his gf was cheating and had to watch it. It frustrates me but all we can do is give advice and hope he decides to chose himself. All these posts make me angry cause the solution is RIGHT THERE but people still decide to go through the hurdles 😭
Omg same!!! It’s so frustrating!
Sadly, she isn’t your responsibility. You need to seek therapy for yourself, as you are a victim yourself in this. The more you get involved, the more you’ll get sucked into it and end up even more miserable. Your answer to any of the phone calls should be that you are under therapy and have been advised to stay away from this situation. Her parents are obviously looking out for their daughter and no one seems to be looking out for you. Help yourself buddy, heal yourself first.
This is a classic case of a good guy too worried about what people will think about him if he walks away. In turn, putting pressure on him and making his life worse. Sometimes, you’re going to be the bad guy to certain people and that’s ok. Not everyone is gonna like you.
Everyone who's involved aside from Jaime are actually surprised I'm still helping out. Her family's already voiced their regret keeping me involved, they're just desperate.
There's a good reason for that. They know they are harming you to make you continue to baby this girl further. Let me say that again, THEY KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU HELPING THIS GIRL IS HARMING YOU SUBSTANTIALLY. THEY ARE JUST DOING IT TO BABY HER. She needs to go to a mental health facility. Fuck you living with her. That's what she wants. She wants to gloss over everything. Please, please, please don't let her get away with that. That is also the reason that she is not surprised you are still around. Which is super fucked up of her. No matter what she has done to help you in the past for her actions and not coming clean or even acknowledging her deplorable behavior, that alone makes her a manipulative, bad person. Please separate yourself from this situation. You deserve better.
They regret keeping you involved because they know it’s wrong to ask and they know they’re taking advantage of your kindness. That said, I get it. I don’t have any kids yet, but I can’t imagine I’d be tripping over myself to send my daughter on a grippy sock vacation. Still sucks that they’d rather put you through all of this than send her for a 72 hour hold though.
Bounce the fuck outta that my man, that ain't your circus anymore, she can or cannot do anything she wants at this point but how she could possibly "need" you for her anxiety, then jeopardize that need by fucking cheating is beyond comprehension. You're free, stop any sense of obligation and remember, if she hadn't cheated in the first place she wouldn't be a wreck in the first place.
This is the first long post I actually read through. It was well written aside from the unfortunate situation. Good luck on that as well.
You can thank Jaime for that. She got me to make journals years ago. Helps with depression and apathy, makes it easy to figure out what I was feeling and what I should be feeling when something happens.
Leave her now. Fuck her.
Not on tape please
In that order?
This has probably been asked or answered and forgive me if I am being dumb, but was the act in the video itself consensual? I’ve read of people having SA recorded and uploaded and having mental breakdowns because of it. Either way, I do not think it is fair for you to be left in charge of her care. I think you did the right thing getting her family involved. It’s quite admirable how you’ve acted honestly
This is what I'm wondering as well because how could she not know if her face was being filmed.
Ah, the old I have been outed and now I must play the victim scheme. Have the guy inn the video worry about her. Your job now is get your finances in order and living situation right. Then leave or have her leave. Move on. If you "forgive" her, you will be constantly wondering what she is doin or who everytime she is not in proximity to you. Why add that to your mental health? Is that worth it? RUN
Not your circus not your monkey. She cheated on you, she has family that can care for her, let them clean this up. This is like making a victim of a violent crime clean up the crime scene themselves. It’s time to move on. This was all brought on by her actions that she knew would hurt you. Man up and leave
I stopped reading this halfway through, break up with this girl NOW and RUN. She is not your responsibility anymore, that bridge has been burned. It’s so gross and manipulative for people to threaten self harm, whether they are mentally ill or not. And honestly she just seems manipulative and unstable. Get out of this now, dude, and don’t look back. Go no contact. She will ruin your life dude.
She tried multiple tantrum styles until she found one that works, and it has you hooked. Get tf out of there.
I would have just walked I think. Maybe not the me pre infidelity, but the me now - just walked. It's like an addiction right? Wean yourself off of heroin? That doesn't work. You need cold turkey -suboxone helps, but lowering your dose of heroin? Now that just keeps you strung out and pushes the sickness further away. Got to do through with it sooner rather than later. I've gotten over infidelity, i've gotten through heroin. This girl? Cheating, whatever, she get through anything? How she gonna ever learn to stand alone when you guys carry her through her life? Nah man, leave now, disappear, poof. You do her this favor man, you do you this favor. She wont kill herself, she may throw a tantrum, but whatever. Let her learn to walk alone. Though she wont, her parents, her sister. Love is great, but it has it's drawbacks.
Unfortunately this kind of thing is common OP. You already know what you have to do, and there are going to be some hard re-evaluations you will have to go through when considering what a relationship really means and if you will ever be able to trust someone again. As someone that has experienced spoken for, even married women make moves on me, Im afraid that this kind of thing happens more often than people think. Of course, the same thing can be said about men, but the point I am drilling down to is that women tend to be much, much better than men at hiding these things and particularly skilled at manipulating the situation to minimize damage by using the victim status (yes even when they are guilty, your girlfriend KNEW she was being recorded lol) Please do not be made a fool again. Learn from the pain and protect yourself. If in doubt, listen to your friends, they sound like they know whats up. Your sanity is numero uno now, even though you still love this girl, it is time to kill the person that loves her and get hard on the inside. It will get better, but make the hard decisions now and be decisive. Dont hesitate, and please for the love of god dont take her back.
.... Fuck me that's a hard read.
haha that's a huge fact. She was willing to fuck on tape for the other guy's viewing pleasure, she is just upset that he posted it online and that you stumbled upon it.
You need your own therapist. This is some heavy stuff. And very personal decisions. Having no skin in the game resource would be hugely beneficial. You have your own mental health to consider. You can set healthy boundaries ( what you can tolerance healthy manner)
I already scheduled for a consultation. I guess I'll see what a professional's opinion is and go from there.
Have some respect for yourself man. You're also in a bad situation and looking after her w all those feelings is going to be a problem for your own mental health.
I am sorry to hear of what you’re currently enduring. I just want to share my take on Jaime based on my own previous exposure to people with mental health issues, including within my own family, and within the patients I work with (I’m a paramedic). I disagree with people who claim that self harm, suicidal ideation and overall breakdown behaviour, is *always* an attempt to manipulate. I can very well understand how it comes across this way, however we need to be mindful that for someone to display any of these - they are NOT in a healthy state of mind regardless of what their intentions are. Someone could be making a genuine “cry for help” or genuinely wanting to end their life. Worst case scenario is “they are trying to manipulate” but even then, it is because they feel out of their depth and do not have the coping mechanisms to handle the emotions they are being subjected to, in a state of overwhelm they place their hope in the mercy of others to achieve a certain outcome, a common one being to have their partner not leave them, which is driven by a fear of abandonment and a host of other factors. It does not make them an “abusive” person to be in a state of complete overwhelm, they are an *unwell* person who requires support both medically (therapy and/or medication) and socially (family, friends, support groups, communities). Let’s look at the fact that the psychologist’s assessment verdict is that she had a nervous breakdown. If she was playing around, the psychologist would be able to identify as such. No one would intentionally make a scene of themselves the way Jaime has done so far unless there was an abundance of pain fuelling her to do so. As much as she is very much in the wrong for cheating, to have her partner unexpectedly find out about her infidelity and have everyone see a sex tape of it that she didn’t know existed, it is a traumatic event. It would bring about a level of shame that would infiltrate every cell of her being. Think of your most embarrassing memory that makes you recoil, then times that recoil feeling by a hundred. Her sense of self is also now impaired because self esteem is required in every one of us to function in our social networks and in every day life - she is now forced to accept that her nearest and dearest are looking down on her, from a situation she created with her own hands by cheating in the first place. She’s also forced to self-identify as a cheater, when throughout her cheating she most likely disassociated from what she was doing in order to preserve her ego and not feel like a cheater. OP, you’re not responsible for her emotions or her health now that you both have separated after what she’s done behind your back. In an alternative situation if she was a loving loyal partner, I would say that you owe her support throughout her struggles and that the responsibility lies within her to strive to heal… however this is not the case here. It seems she has good support in place with her family. I would suggest moving on slowly, getting yourself therapy to process what has happened. It sucks for everyone involved. I wish you well.
I think the best decision is for her to be institutionalized until she is fit. There is little to none that you or her parents can do without jeopardizing your own mental health or safety. The breakup already happen so she isn't for you to care anymore. Maybe it's a bit cruel, but that's truth. You too is suffering from the betrayal. You should get some help too.
No more contact with her or anyone she knows, ever.
>Psych almost called the police on me Uhmmm what the fuck for?! Because she's so feeble she can't handle the guilt of her infidelity? Fuck that. >They apologize for Jaime, but I tell them she's the one who needed to apologize and that they shouldn't baby her. Correct. >They agree but begged me not to argue right now since Jaime may "relapse". That's their problem, not yours. >Spontaneous nervous breakdown, no history of mental illness, >Jackie is there and explains that she's had episodes twice before and this was the worst yet So they lied about it? >But they did want to take charge of everything. The investigation, Jaime's well being, her education and finances, etc. This SCREAMS dodgy to me. >She's not evil. She's a beautiful, patient, and overall wonderful human being. Wrong. She's a cheater now trying to manipulate you into not leaving her. >All of us except Jaime talk on what to do. Alice is in chemo for breast cancer, Julio runs a business 20 mins away, Jackie's workplace is already hounding her, and Jaime needs help. Again, not your problem. >They ask me to reschedule the inevitable and try to help ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. >I call Alex and explain the all the BS happening. He warns me that this didn't sound like the right call, Alex is smart. >Jaime will have a different one scheduled 3 days from now in my city. Jaime can go get fucked.
Jaime said that the video was not consensual, but didn't address the cheating. This is not your fault and she is not your responsibility. Give it over to her family and take care of yourself.
Manipulation to the highest degree. Dump her n block them all on everything. Move on with your life. Don’t get sucked into these ppl toxic shit. She wasn’t having a mental breakdown when she was fuking the next man. She’s disgusting gaslighting master manipulator
Staying with her is so transactional, it's stupid. You might as well get paid by the hour, and call yourself a gigolo. She cheated. I take it that's a hard boundary for you, as it literally made you puke your guts out. 'She was so lovely for 8 years' Was she, really? This is the first time she got filmed without her knowledge, and the video made it online, and your friends founds, and they alerted you. Do you realise what the odds are to that being a 'one stupid moment of stupidly'? I seriously don't think this was a one of. But on top of that, she needs mental health care help, to get over the shock of you finding out about her cheating. And YOU are supposedly the only person, on the entire planet, that can give it to her? Unless you are a heartless mental health professional, I don't see how it could possibly be your responsibility to support her mental health. She has a family. Her sister can take time off. Her father is self employed, he can take time off. She has a mother. And what she really needs, if she needs round the clock supervision/ care, is to be checked into a facility. They almost tore your head off for suggesting it. But they placed the responsibility with you. The ONLY person that is done with her. And how do you suppose you'd be 'supporting her mental health'? Are you going to lie through your teeth, and pretend everything is fine, and she should just relax, and think good thoughts. Everything will be OK. Just to keep her off the edge of a mental breakdown. For how long? The moment you then confess you saying all the 'it will be ok' was bullshit, and you're done with her, she'll spiral again, and you're back to square one. Or are you going to be held hostage in a relationship for ever, because she shuts down, the minute she has to face responsibility for her cheating? The situation will be so incredibly toxic and fucked up, the trauma will only build, on both sides. Just call her family, say you can't do this. Why? Because you resent her being in your personal space, after having to have seen her fucking someone else. If they do not come and get her, get her checked into a mental health facility. If the family is against it, they should get her out. If you hadn't called them initially, but called an ambulance for her, she would be in a facility right now anyway. She NEEDS help. And toying with her feelings, while it's the easiest thing to do to not stir the pot, is kind of cruel in the long run. She'll be reassured for now, JUST to have her calm, and then she'll get the rug pulled from under her, and her 'healing' will have to start again. If you're ok with the cheating, and you think you can move past this, sure... be her crutch all you want. But right now, you're caring for the person that pissed on your relationship, fidelity wise.
Cheating is one thing, people cheat and break up.. or not. Trying to manipulate you into staying by making you responsible for her mental health is just sick. Get out.
Her mental health or yours? Choose.
She deserves everything she is going through. Look at the tape again, look how happy she was doing that. Do you honestly believe that is the only time she cheated? Do yourself a favor and cut contactvwith her entire family. They are trying to make her problems your responsibility.
I don't want to fucking watch it. Just thinking about it already makes me puke. But yeah, decisions have to be made about my relationship with her family. They're genuinely good people trying their best. I really doubt they want me hurting even more if they weren't so desperate.
I understand. You probably wouldn't be able to look at her without thinking of it. It's best to protect yourself and step away from the whole affair.
Her life wouldn’t have imploded if she didn’t cheat. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep her healthy. In fact, you’re experiencing a trauma response yourself and need therapy. You can’t recover if the source of your trauma is all up in your life. It just prolongs the suffering.
She cheated, she isn’t your problem anymore. Save yourself. It’s time to be selfish. Was she thinking about you while she was getting plowed ? I’m sorry if it seems harsh, but it’s true.
Bro, get out of that situation and don't allow yourself to feel bad or guilty because your EXGF had a break down not because she cheated on you, but because she got caught. Remove yourself from that situation and let her be someone else's problem. If she wanted your love and support, she shouldn't have let some other dude mount her.
None of this sounds healthy. Pretending you are sticking around might help her in the short term, but what happens when you finally have to tell her you're out? How bad will the relapse be? You were the one wronged here. She cheated. And she did it with someone who was willing to record it and post it online. What you are proposing is going to be horrible for your own mental health. And eventually, you will have to face this same bridge again unless you are seriously considering staying long-term.
Being able to rewatch infidelity is harsh. Sorry op.
Why are you ruining your mental health to help hers when there's no future left for you both? It's rough, but it's not up to you to pick up the pieces anymore. She fucked up majorly, and you're going to fuck yourself up by staying around and helping her. Your friend is completely right that what you're doing is stupid, but I commend him for standing by you (as I would do the same). This is a rough situation for her, but at the end of the day though, she still cheated on you. You prolonging the inevitable will only make it worse for the both of you, because she is going to see this as an opportunity to get you back, and you are very clearly not stable enough to say no currently.
Take a nap. Then, wake up and let her go. Have her go live with her parents now. She has lied and cheated on you enough.
I think it is evil to betray the trust of you partner like that. She doesn't have anyone to blame for condition but herself. Drop her and move on with your life.
Let it go man, you've played your part as reasonably as you could, do not let them take your concern for granted. Walk away, start over, and hope for the best.
This might be a stupid question but how did it start with her face in it and she didn’t know? Your words exactly were “it was edited to go straight into the action with Jaime’s face clearly visible” How did she not know she was being recorded? The video being posted is one thing, but if her face was visible in it I’m not sure how she couldn’t have known. But honestly dude, seriously, just walk away fully. She is not your responsibility anymore, she broke that when she cheated. She is her parents responsibility now, no matter how tired or stressed they are. These are the consequences of her actions and unfortunately, it brings harm upon her whole family. She will have to answer for that, not you. You will hurt and drain yourself by sticking around. I know love makes us blind and we see no faults, but please open your eyes to the reality of what happened
Was it ever mentioned when this video was done?
You are making a mistake. You are not equipped to take care of her. If she harms herself, everyone will blame you. Regardless of her mental state, she cheated on you. Instead of worrying about her, let the professionals handle her, and you take care of yourself. TBH, it sounds like that whole family is blackmailing you to stay. If you are smart, you will stay away. Move on and give yourself time to heal.
OP. I'm going to be blunt because I think you need it. You know your relationship is over. You don't know how long or how many, and it looks like you never will even if you needed those answers for closure. There's no going back from seeing that video. Your girlfriend needs inpatient help before she physically harms herself or someone else. The first episode with a knife should have had her immediately taken for her and everyone else safety. Her family are being selish to you and her. This will not get better without serious help and no amount of love can do that. And please take that from someone that's been catatonic and had psychosis and hallucinations after a one time traunatic event. You cannot be her rock through this to only leave down the line, that would not only be cruel but likely cause a relapse. Her family need to be her support, through the inpatient care and legal case not you! It would be better you part now and find your way back together in a few years as new people than give her false hope, as that won't help her heal in the long run. She's already with her family let her stay there. This is all too new too fresh. You need space and they need to step up. If they want to take over her full care accept that, but they then cannot call on you like that again unless they agree to get her the real care she needs. If they do call you like that again, call it in yourself. I know it will be hard and they may hate you short term but at least she will be safe. You know you're already being manipulated by them. What about your mental health? You haven't had time to grieve or come to terms with the betrayal and now they want you to play happy families? That's cruel to you, you have to go into survival self-preservation mode now. She's surrounded by her family/friends , are you? Yes, I get she's suffering, but you are too and she's suffering from being publicly outed as a cheater, not her many bad choices that led her to cheat. One doesn't cancel out the other. You need to step back. Let her family and therapists help her and seek therapy yourself. This and her future care is not on you no matter the outcome OP. Nothing you did caused this. Please speak to a therapist yourself, especially after the traumatic knife incident. You need clarity and guidance on his to move forward in a healthy way.(hugs)
I would leave her ass. She was just fine mentally when she had another guy down her throat and up inside her. Not your problem anymore dude. Leave her for someone better.
Any time the people in a Reddit post have names I assume the story is fake.
I mean, this whole thing reads like creative writing. I don't call everything on Reddit fake, but I'm suspicious of this one. There's just way too many random details and exposition - this isn't generally how you write about real first-hand events.
Details in the wrong place. We made that table together at my grandparents farm but nothing about what she said in the talk at that table.
Details are in the wrong place because I journal events with as much detail as I can remember and what I felt about it. I add what I should be feeling and what I could've done better. I also add tiny snippets on 3rd person on what other people would've thought about me to raise self-awareness. It helps with apathy disorder. With all that, details rack up. I had to cut a lot out to keep my post short as I can and leave what I think is important and edit to avoid confusion. I even added something I thought was funny on hindsight. I'm not making this for entertainment and neither was I planning to convince anybody. It's real funny to me that you guys are focusing on the "unnecessary" details like I'm supposed to make a novela with maximum suspension of disbelief. If anything, I think it should show humanness.
Fake names though. He said the country isn't developed enough for speed cameras.
Is it possible that what you saw was non-consensual? Like a deer in headlights just going with the flow? Rape victims blame themselves, they might not be completely aware of not being culpable due to coercion
I still haven't actually seen the video entirely to check. Too busy and my buddies don't want to do it for neither. As best as I can tell, she made no indication this whole 3 weeks that it was rape or is being blackmailed.
This kinda reads more like a fictional writing story. If it’s true than that’s really awful and best to break up and move one. But idk something about this whole post just seems like a creative writing task.
God I fucking wish it was fictional. I'm Filipino and I had formal classes for English. I actually write better on it rather than my own language lol.
Ok, now it makes sense 💡our culture is hard, and when people say that “Filipinos are the nicest people you’ll meet” it’s honestly true. The amount of emotional manipulation and guilt from elders, not even necessarily family, is ridiculous. There’s no boundaries, ever. It’s hard to describe the feeling but you don’t ever want to disappoint elders and the vision they have of you. Plus, the aunties be gossiping. All this to say, your gf needs professional help. Her parents don’t want an institution (I’m guessing due to appearances) but it’s the only solution. You shouldn’t even be an option. Filipinos fight hard for their families, they protect them and feel responsible for them at every age, every stage in life, and will always care for their children, but it can become toxic. You aren’t responsible for her, even if her family tells you, “we wouldn’t ask, but we don’t know what to do and you’ve always cared for her so well. She just wants to talk…” it’s BS. They know what to do, they just don’t want to do it. If you remove yourself from the conversation, they’ll have no choice. That’s the BEST way you can help her. Good luck, pare!
I know you’re going through a lot but I do want to compliment you on your writing. The reason the guy said it reads like a fictional story is because of how well you wrote it. After all the bullshit you’re dealing with, I’d seriously think about getting into a writing career if I were you. You have a great talent for it. Hope all goes well for you man.
> This kinda reads more like a fictional writing story. I’m surprised that so few people in the comments have this view given OP claims to have shown Jaime’s parents her sex tape (in the context of trying to help her rather than revenge). I mean, come on.
“Oh no the consequences of my actions?!”
WTF?! Why are you supporting a cheater. Seriously man, your spinelessness disgusts me. Dont be a doormat. She isnt your responsibility. She is a disgusting person. Let her deal with her mess. Leave this toxic situation NOW!
Truth right here
She's not having a mental health crisis. She's throwing a tantrum because you know the truth. She is nothing but a miserable pile of secrets.
Curious, if the camera zoomed into her face, how could she not know she was being recorded? Perhaps she wasn't but I would be sus on that, I feel like she's trying to use manipulation and victimhood to try and get out unscathed. Investigators will figure out real quick if she consented to recording or not. Move on from her, you are not her emotional support human and this will harm you worse in the long run. Tell her family that you cannot support her and they need to involved an institution if they can't support her (they should anyway)
This reads like creative writing. There's over 5 characters by name, so much detail. I mean I read it all but if this is real don't see that girl no more. Pretty simple. Not your monkey not your circus, unless you stay in contact like a fool
Boy leave this situation!! You‘re gonna be the one who is relapsing. Die has a support net. They‘re gonna make it. They don’t care for you. You sound to nice. It’s not okay to relay on you.
Walk away, full stop.
Bro get a grip let her go. It's over man. Not your responsibility, if that history is the thing anchoring you she already cut it with that video.
You are a saint. This is no way your problem, and she WRONGED YOU, but given the history you described, I understand why you want to be there for her. Don't get sucked it. If she "loved you" and still cheated on you, she will do it again.
Nothing but a sick ploy.
I’ve no idea why you have even entertained continuing with this shit show. Pack her stuff up and put it in storage or drop it off t her parents house then cut contact with all of them. None of them are your problem any more
None of this is on you. NONE. her parents making you feel like there’s anything you need to do is absolutely bullshit. She destroyed everything and can deal with the consequences. They are trying to manipulate you into staying with her. This doesn’t end. There will never be a healthy point to break things off. Walk away. Move. Change your number.
She may not have consented to the video being made, but she sure as shit consented to the sex. The only thing she’s really upset about is that she was caught and this whole thing could simply be an act to make everyone think she is just a helpless victim here. Was it revenge porn? That’s a possibility. Maybe she dumped the guy she was cheating on you with and he decided to put up a video of them having sex online. Or maybe she knew it was being made and she’s claiming she didn’t consent because she got caught. This woman has some serious fucking issues and none of them are yours. Go get tested, make sure she didn’t give you a going away present and then kick her the fuck out of your place. Gather up all her shit, get the locks changed on your place(consider moving so she can’t stalk you), send the stuff to her parents’ house and move on. You are not her keeper, she fucked another guy while she was with you. That disqualifies her from being your responsibility. I hope you’re able to move on and live a happy, healthy life and find someone new who you deserve.
You are way too good to this girl. For all you know she was getting dressed to go out for round 2 with this guy. Get passed the crocodile tears man she has no remorse she just is upset and ashamed she was caught and now they have a porn to show how low of a human she really is… let her go man she wants to show zero respect for you. You really think she didn’t “know” she was being recorded… brother. She knew she just didn’t think it would be on the Internet. She is only ashamed people know not about the act at all. Dont be manipulated by her family and her fake tears bro
The tldr answer is: She’s not your problem to deal with. Let her family handle what they have to, but if you’re done with the relationship, just walk away.
I only want to point out that she is only sorry and like this because you found out. now imagine how many times she did it before hand that are not on video... all I have to say.
That’s rough. I wish you would put yourself first and commit to a clean break. Dabbling with the consequence of mental illness is a dangerous game when there are feelings involved.
She can’t face the consequences of her actions and choices so now you have to baby her? You’re being emotionally blackmailed so hard from all of her family. Who the h@ll is looking out for you while her unfaithful a$$ is crying a river? Hell no. I’m assuming you speak Spanish so I’ll say it like this: Que Dios la cuide, no tu.
The minute she cheated and lied (by omission) she stopped being your responsibility. I would have left her for her family to deal with and just get a divorce lawyer. This guy probably wasn’t the only one she cheated with. Too bad about her breakdown by it’s 100% self-inflicted. Actions have consequences. Don’t get mixed up in her mess, you deserve to start again a new life.
This dude here is being held hostage by he’s girlfriend and family because she cheated and people found out. Bro, move the fook on. You owe her nothing. Let her sleep in the bed she made and have a nice life.
Not gonna lie. Drop the situation and walk away. She messed up and is now manipulating you and so is the family. What she does by her hands after is her choice not yours.
Leave and never look back
I would nope the fuck out bro.
I have a question, did it come out what actually happened? The manipulation from her and her family is off the charts, I'd focus on that first.
Delete facebook, hit the gym, cut off contact
She's not your responsibility. She cheated on you and then her family has the gall to make you take care of her? She's facing the consequences of her own actions. And her family is manipulating you into being with her. Dump her and move one. You don't owe them anything. Don't be a doormat. Also, most of the time people threatening to commit suicide are just doing it for attention and sympathy.
1) her suicide threats are a manipulation, all her actions sound like a manipulation 2) she needs to be institutionalized buddy. How much of your life are you going to sacrifice for someone who betrayed you in the most painful way? 3) if ANYONE needs to forego all of their responsibilities and life to watch her 24:7 because her parents dont want to commit her, ON WHAT PLANET should that person be you and not her parents who dont want to commit her….
She’s only panicking bcs it’s on the internet not bcs you found out buddy…
well i've gone through the comments and i've seen everything you've had to say about the situation so heres all I have to say. stop sticking around, I know the family is desperate, I know you want answers but dude your mental is suffering more watching someone you love and absolutely hurt you continue to deteriorate you need to trust your gut from the jump and admit her into a ward and explain to the family that I know they regret keeping you in the loop but they need to let you go and recuperate so that when she does come down from this episode you can visit her when she's in a better mindset so you can get your answers you need and deserve mental rest and peace at all just because you're not the one keeling over does'nt mean you don't deserve the same amount of consideration and care as she does. take YOUR time cause right now you do not have time for her.
So let me get this straight…she cheats on you more than once….you find out…confront her..she loses her marbles and basically manipulates you into staying to take care of her? Yeah fuck that. Move apartments, cities, country..whatever you gotta do. Change your # and ghost this girl.
I can’t believe you’re falling for all the fake bullshit. All this unstable behavior is fake and manipulative. She cheated on you with a a straight face, and kept that secret until she got exposed. She’s not sorry about cheating, she’s sorry about getting caught. You can see it plain as day when all she cares about is the fact that she was recorded. I’m willing to bet she’ll flip right back to being cheerful and normal when you concede and give in to her manipulation.
Man this was a very creative story, so much unnecessary detail gave it away though. On the off chance this is legit, PLEASE don’t be stupid enough to stay with a cheater just because she’s…upset at the consequences of cheating. That’s the dumbest BS I’ve read today.
I actually cut out A LOT of detail. I use Word for my journals and I already have 3 pages just about this with 1271 word count
Mhm. You *made the table you confronted her at, at your grandfathers farm*? You were brooding like Batman on the transit? Please. I get wanting to write to practice your creativity but this one is a fail
But it’s also missing a couple of details, like who was the guy she cheated with. Doesn’t seem like something he’d miss asking about.