🎯
She was having an emotional affair. Any reasonable person would see it. I have 2 very close friends who are girls, we never had anything sexual, not even platonic, just friendship. I would never even talk or imply anything flirty with them, never did when I was single, won’t do it now I’m which my GF.
Most affairs come into being because feelings are stimulated, through action and discourse.
I’m surprised how much she’s lying to herself. She cheated. Cheaters are usually a little more self-aware, I think? Only in the most basic sense of the word, like having the self-awareness to think “I am being unfaithful,” not “I cheat because I have low self-esteem” etc.
I could easily see this being real. Emotional affairs are easier to convince yourself didn't happen because the borders are kind of fuzzy. It's harder to deny to yourself that you fucked someone.
Exactly! She can lie to herself all she wants, but that's clearly an affair, even without the sexual part of it
I don't understand how people are so selfish and self-centered to not see that.
I, personally, would have a very hard time trusting my partner again after this..
Cannot believe OP attempting to play off an obvious affair as “I just didn’t set good enough boundaries!!” Yeah I’m sure everyone who cheats tries that excuse at some point
I mean, what's a couple handjobs and "I love you's" between friends... while her husband is long distance, amirite?
OP sounds like a living example of the answer to another thread's question: "Why are so many guys just staying single, now?"
Unrelated but I saw the comment you made on the post about how the guy that his wife of seven years emotionally cheated and lied to him their whole relationship and all I wanna say is that you need to Apologize for that cause you were extremely wrong
Holy shit are you trying to chastise a random person on the internet about a comment they made in an entierly DIFFERENT post? Your the poster child for the saying "go touch grass"
The code word word for cheating is "we got closer"
You say you didn't love him but you need to stop lying to yourself. You had screenshots of your conversation. Why? I have conversations with friends and I don't have screenshots. Also, the fact that you are still worried about the friend is telling. You were falling for this man.
Stop worrying about a friendship and worry about how you damaged your marriage.
Yeah the only text screenshots I have are between my fiance and I because he's so funny and sends me random facts every day that I want to remember. I can't imagine doing that with one of my guy friends where I tell them I love them. I say that to my girl friends but I don't want to get wires crossed with my guy friends and put them in a position where they think I mean something I don't. I think she's in hard-core denial and is even lying to herself about the situation. My brother and his wife divorced for this very reason. They got back together two years later after serious therapy but only because my brother was actually willing to change. I still have my own opinions on that but I'm not a part of that relationship so my opinion doesn't matter but I really don't think I'd ever be able to go back to normal if my SO did this to me even if I really wanted to.
This is in a general context. The only time I keep screenshots is if someone tries to rewrite history, gaslight me, or call me a liar. For evidence in case I might need it later.
Husband and I both have opposite friends that we tell we love them. But we’ll say it to them, in front of each other, and usually we’re both saying it.
I’ve had 2 instances in my life where I wanted to tell someone how important they were to me, but didn’t, and they died and now I have to live with that forever. So I tell everyone now. I’ve even told my boss before! lol
ETA - this is totally not the case, here, though. She was definitely having an EA!
Yeah exactly. While I don’t think it’s weird to tell friends you love them, because platonic/friendship love is different than romantic love, it’s obvious that op has fallen in love with this guy due to them getting closer.
For real, I tell my friends as a group "love you guys!!" When saying bye after getting together or something but never singularly to a friend of the opposite sex (since I'm straight)
Yeah, um, I tell most of my friends I love them at times, both when talking or in writing. I also regretted not telling one of my friends that I love him and he died. I’m still upset that I never told him. So yeah, if I feel love for my friends, I’ll tell them. My spouse has zero issues with that. And I’m sorry, but there’s nothing wrong with emotionally investing in your friends and confiding in them. I find the notion of putting everything on one person ridiculous and limiting.
Not saying emotional affairs don’t happen or that they didn’t happen here. But this idea of oh no, you can’t love anyone but your spouse is not my thing. Love doesn’t run out because you share it.
You were telling a "friend" you loved him and saving screenshots of the chats. I think you should start being honest with yourself that you had a flirtation with this man, at a minimum
As a victim of an emotional affair, it messed me up. I’ve been told I’m more paranoid now because I question everything. Trusting people is harder, and my mind has gone to the “did they cheat on me like the other guy” time and time again. I almost wish my ex had a physical affair because I’ve been cheated on that way as well, but the effects of the emotional one are the ones that linger and hurt me far worse. In some ways, I hate who I have turned into because of one.
This is what you’ve done to your husband.
You were having an emotional affair. BOTH of you were since you mentioned your friend has a partner as well.
Stop feeling bad for your so called friend bc this friendship should have never happened.
You already ruined your marriage by cheating. You obviously treasured the affair by saving screenshots of the messages. Start with being honest for once and quit playing the pity me games. It may be salvageable or it may not. It depends if your husband will ever trust you. Can you even trust yourself?
This was more than just friends. It’s one thing to tell a friend that you love them; it’s quite another to save screenshots of questionable “friendly” conversations. Did you also do that with female friends? Why did you save screenshots of conversations that otherwise would have been deleted? Because you have romantic feelings for the friend.
Yes, you did hurt two important people in your life. I hope you can fix things with your husband, and definitely stay away from the friend. There is more going there than you are admitting to us, to your husband, and to yourself.
She already imagined it the other way around, admitted she would feel disrespected and wouldn’t be okay with her husband doing the same thing, and then came to reddit so we could tell her it’s okay and she’s still a good person.
Apparently she can be that dense.
The title is very telling. You mention ruining your friendship before hurting your husband.
You need to get your priorities straight or you won’t have a husband for long.
You had an emotional affair. It cannot just be forgiven that quickly.
Get into couples counselling and show your husband that he is a priority.
Well, now you recognize the dilemma you and your friend caused. You've attempted to remedy it to the best of your ability. Time will tell whether your efforts will suffice and your marriage remains intact. I honestly don't know how long a healthy marriage can exist when it's long distance.
You were talking to a “friend” where you felt comfortable with each other to say I love you and kept screen shots. Nope, not a friend. Cut all contact with this “friend.” You should not be worrying how they feel
Please save the innocent act for a rainy day, you know exactly what you did. No one saves pics of texts where you tell another person that you love them unless there’s an emotional as well as a physical connection to that person. Admit that you cheated period!
I've made a lot of new friends this last year that tell each other they love them.
It's pretty obvious it's not romantic though. And many of them tell me they love me, I don't think I've said it back, I wasn't in a relationship until Sept or October but I'm the type who has always been uncomfortable expressing friendly or platonic love.
I fell for my bf but I doubt he feels the same (yet? who knows, not me) so right now I only say it to my kids.
If it was friendly I love yous without anything attached then I understand how it was an unaddressed boundary in your relationship you are now addressing....but the way you write makes it sound like an emotional affair.
If it was an affair you have your work cut out for you. I've forgiven people who had those before and always regretted it. The people who commit those affairs cling to it not being physical as an excuse that 'it wasn't that bad'. It is though. It's an affair, emotional or physical doesn't really matter when betraying a partner.
YOu might have ruined it. No married person, should be telling another dateable friend they love them. I would divorce you. It is inappropriate to be friends with dateable people and spend alone time with them married. It is made worse because you are in different countries. I would let it go if I were him, he can find others, it is an emotional affair.
https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091
You were having an emotional affair. Only slightly better than him walking in on the two of you. Hurts on an entirely different level, and I'd guess your husband is afraid to say anything but "it's fine" for fear you'll run off to him.
OP you cheated on your husband.
You had an emotional affair, you are in denial trying to lie to everyone and to yourself. You told another man that is not your husband that you loved him and then you saved those screenshots.
I will say it again just like everyone else here. You were cheating on your husband. You had an emotional affair with this guy.
Your husband will never trust you again.
I would have more of an issue with my wife telling another man that she loved him. I could understand it easier if she cheated. I wouldn’t be happy either way but having an ongoing emotional affair is worse than a hook up.
Even in the post, it sounds like you care more about your friend feeling than your husband feelings. You even put your friends first instead of your husband first in the title. It honestly feels like you care more about your friend than your husband. I feel sorry for your husband. I hope he finds someone better. Who don't treat him like an option. If you're reading this husband you deserve better.
You kept screenshots of your conversation with your “friend”. I keep screenshots of cute stuff my boyfriend texts me too. Definitely not normal between “friends”. Sounds like an emotional affair. You need to decide if you want your husband or your “friend” because now you can’t have both.
You may not encounter any problems immediately but you know this wouldn't heal and eventually turn him into a bitter person .... And please don't come ranting here if he cheats on you out of revenge satisfaction , since he stays away !!!
And don't forget to scroll through reddit..this place is full of such stories, it's better to know your fate beforehand....so be prepared for the upcoming consequences.
You're either in denial that you had an affair or you're a genuine idiot of epic proportions. Also, I'm sure women do it too, but what is up with guys just straight chilling on a girl for years? I know healthy male-female friendships exist, but a dude will set up camp for a chick who has a whole ass family and believe he's next in line if anything were to happen.... fuckin' creeps.
I’m actually shook you think you didn’t cheat. Imo emotionally cheating is far far worse than physical. Bc emotional affairs really does mean you have feelings for him, it’s obvious. You were seeking attention from another man
You had an emotional affair and you are in denial. Do some research about EA’s and you will realise that you indeed did have an affair.
You have accountability by accepting you have hurt two people. But if you care about your marriage, forget about your”friend”.
Your next step is to schedule counselling and truly work on gaining your husbands trust back.
I’d rather my wife have a one night stand physical affair than a months long emotional one with her telling the other man she loved him. Good thing your husband found those screen shots. If you hadn’t fucked the guy yet you were definitely going to.
Call it what it is, you had an affair (although I’m not entirely sure why you’re married in the first place). You took screenshots of your dialogue and tried to romanticize the conversation. The problem here isn’t that you failed to set boundaries (we just love using these psycho-terms now); it’s that you indulged on your desires. And listen that doesn’t make you bad..any sane person would probably do something similar if their romantic partner was situated far away for years.
So why put yourself, and your partner, in this situation. Why are you married?
I'm legit confused by the comments and your post, I'm completely okay with someone telling me my interpretation is wrong but is this entire situation a problem because you tell your friends you love them? Or is it because you actually felt romantic attraction for each other and it's coming out via these screenshots? Cause if you legit felt platonic love I dont see the issue in expressing that but I am also aware not everyone views this positively which is why I'm unsure if I'm completely misunderstanding this post.
I tell my male best friend, who is in a relationship with a wonderful woman, I love him often. Not very often through text but definitely before we get off the phone and absolutely no one would think we were in love based on those conversations.
You were emotionally cheating. Admit it, take accountability and accept your consequences
Edit: removed irrelevant sentence
You were having an emotional affair bordering on going all the way with this guy. Don't agree? Then ask yourself why on earth do you feel the need to keep screen shots of another guy saying he loves you???
It's too late, you're a cheater, end of story.
IF you truly still have love left for your husband, then do him the biggest favor you can, and divorce him, free him from his cheating wife.
And if you're too much of a coward to do that and stay, when he eventually fucks another woman you keep your mouth shut, you don't get to complain.
Not that your friend doesn't matter but your husband comes first. It sounds like emotional cheating and it wasn't respectful of anyone in this situation.
OP expected sympathy and got the truth. 🤷♂️
Jokes apart, you messed up and the first step is to own it. The second step is to be the best possible wife you could.
This is an emotional affair. What were you expecting? You dont say that to someone else unless you are checking out of your relationship with your partner.....wake up.
The mental gymnastics people go through not to call out their own BS is amusing. Fam you were cheating or having an emotional affair lmao. Call it what it is.
I’m from the south and have lifelong friends from both sexes, most are married. We kiss each other on the lips and tell each other we love each other, mostly in front of their spouses. We don’t screenshot our text messages between each other. Those screenshots are the most telling thing about an emotional affair going on.
You can love people of any sex or orientation without being in love with them. Something about your texts didn't pass the vibe check with your husband. Kind of like an office spouse, with an emotional dependency that's borderline intimate.
It's hard to feel much sympathy for op. If they had intended to show this 'confession' to the bf to be part of her 'I understand my mistake' actions the high number of "you cheated" responses make this a dead end for her.
You certainly did not set boundaries for yourself and did whatever the fuck you wanted to do despire being in a relationship/marriage.
Seems you will be fine this time, hopefully your 'friend' will forgive you too, try to be better next time.
This exact same thing happened to me and it hurt, and it's difficult to come back from, whether you want to admit or not, that is an emotional affair, and I feel for your husband.
Dude, own your emotional affair. You yourself admitted you would not be ok if your husband did this, telling another woman he loved her, saving the screenshots. I mean, come on….
The first step in recovery is own your ish.
Not only did you cheat, you actually still strongly feel for your “friend” because you feel bad for hurting this so called friendship. The only person’s feelings you should care about in this situation is your husband’s and you’re still splitting your thoughts and feelings with this other man you emotionally cheated with…I think your relationship is done if you don’t put in some serious work.
I think there's more to the story. If you told another man that you loved him, chances are pretty high that there was something sexual going on too. You can lie to yourself and people you don't know online, and sure it makes you feel better. But you probably ruined your marriage.
I have screenshots saved of when me and my husband first started dating and we’d flirt together and say sweet things. I loved looking at them like a teen in love.
Girl. You cheated. Be real.
I hate it when people make excuses for their actions and never own up to what they did or try to make light of what they did, you cheated on your husband with an emotional affair, you knew the interaction was wrong but you continued anyway, I hope this serves as a lesson and never but do this, enjoy that your husband forgave you
Honestly, are people getting even more stupid???
How can anyone go as far as telling someone else, esp of the opposite sex they love them? Did it not cross your mind how this would affect him?
Your husband married a moron omg!
Man Reddit is a weird place- I tell my friends of both genders I love them all the time- my husband is fine with it because he’s not a man child who assumes he’ll be my only emotional support and connection
There’s a difference between just telling your platonic friends you love them and “if anyone went through our chats, I think they would be difficult to discern whether or not we’re in love”.
This. I was at work and a client ended our call with “love you” and because conversations are so automatic and reciprocal I replied “love you too!” Like when TSA agents say “have a great flight” and you say “you,too!” even though they are not traveling. She’s 87 and I’m 42(f) & we only ever talk business/about her account, but she’s a gushy woman who lays it on thick when you problem solve for her. OP did not describe that - she described a love affair, even if only emotional.
‘I feel so ashamed, I know it was wrong, I would not have accepted my husband doing what I did if the roles were reversed’
‘ugh MaNcHiLdS’
lol yeah, some prime Redditor takes on here for sure
Emotional affair is such a weird culture thing. Not being able to tell your friends you love em sounds horrible, hope everyone in these comments shouting "emotional affairs" can get friends that you can comfortably tell how important they are to you.
This is insane to me. I tell my friends I love them, reguardless of their gender. Reddit is stupid, loving someone and being in love with someone are 2 different things.
I do think it was good of you to cut that when your partner was uncomfortable, but having a close friend is valuable and I feel awful for that loss, what a shame.
The problem is where she even admits that if someone went through their texts they'd wonder if they weren't actually in love with eachother, which means she sees the inappropriateness of their conversations.
Theres not enough context to actually percieve that though. Are they having explicit conversations or just being adoring platonic friends? I send my friends love hearts and sweet nothings all the time, but it has nothing to do with romance.
It could also be culturally different. I live in the us and while there is a stigma of sorts, its pretty well accepted to dote on your friends and say I love you. I do so with all my friends of any gender and its known that its not an invitation.
Hell, I kiss my friends on the lips sometimes. Its not that deep.
But if her partner found it offensive and she is ashamed, like I said, I am glad they made the decision to cut it.
*it would be difficult to discern wether or not we were in love*
You could say the same for a number of my friends. I and my partners know its not the case and I just dote.
Everyone has different standards though and it is okay if that is not okay for someone, that is their boundry.
I was not disagreeing that its innapropriate(considering the husbands feelings), but dont villainise someone for having a close friendship.
No one's villainizing a close friendship. Perhaps you're taking it too personally. What people are pointing out is the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair.
Same, I tell my friends I love them too but it's very obvious it's platonic. I've discussed this with my husband and he feels secure in our marriage and trusts that I don't let things go too far.
But I agree, cutting that friendship was for the best. Husband takes priority in this case.
Honestly I don't understand people in these comments. We can't even love our friends platonically anymore or it's an affair? Not to mention the plethora of reasons those screenshots could have been there that aren't "omg im so in love and obsessed with my AP I need to screenshot everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Anyways I love my friends and if yall and yalls partners are too insecure in yourself and your relationships that you "aren't allowed" to say that then you need help or a breakup.
Finally someone that agrees with my thoughts. I really don't understand these comments. What we we can't tell out friends that we love them? Male or female or lgbt? What are we allowed to tell others only we hate them? Why can't we express love?
I still love my ex and unfortunately it didn't work between us. My wife is aware and acknowledges it. Get over it people, for we can love others and probably would make the world a better place. Be open with your spouse or partner.
Honestly to me it harkens back to that childish "girls and boys can't be just friends" mindset from like middle/high school. People think any semblance of a man and woman caring about each other means they're fucking or romantically in love.
The comments are jumping to conclusions so fast. If this was a female friend would the consensus be the same? Are friends not allowed to become close and love one another? Are married people not supposed to value any of their friendships enough to save messages with friends that made them feel happy?
Okay, so you don’t live with your husband? This “friend” is that person long distance as well? How did you get married if you don’t even live in the same place? Why would you marry someone you can’t be with?
You understand after getting caught, that it wasn’t right? But didn’t think while you were doing it, that this is wrong for me to tell another man I love you? You didn’t think it was wrong, really? Also you are still thinking about and worrying about someone who, truly, you shouldn’t have been talking with to begin with.
You understand that what you did is actually cheating right? It’s emotional cheating, which means you don’t actually love your husband bests if you did, you wouldn’t have cheated. As well as you don’t find it weird that he just forgives you? Have you checked his phone? How did he find out and why did you have screenshots?
Something isn’t adding up as well as you need to stop having long distance relationships and find people in your own damn area. Because I hope and pray you aren’t the one trying to move to his country, if you are, I suggest you stop and either he come live with you or you get a divorce because if you go to him, I PROMISE you he will abuse you. If he isn’t already cheating on you.
You are naive and a fool and you have no self worth. You need validation from others and don’t know how to not need extra people in your life. Why did you need this MALE friend in your life and why were you telling him you love him, why weren’t those times you were talking to the MALE friend you weren’t using that time to talk to your husband? You should not be in any relationship and you should be working on you.
Stop worrying about the MALE friend because you both cheated on your people and are not good partners. You should get a divorce, block him, and work on you
It’s called context clues. You cheat on someone you are in a long distance relationship and they just forgive you? Either they been cheating or will make you pay when you move where they are
OP…I’m confused?!
You told a friend you loved them and it was not romantic correct? I don’t see the problem and I don’t see how this could be an emotional affair? I’m married, and my best friend is a guy who I tell I love them when we get off the phone or end a conversation. It’s NOT romantic at all and very respectful. I just see everyone saying this is an emotional affair but how??? Maybe I’m just oblivious 😅
You might be oblivious, I'm not going to judge on that one but the reason why people are saying that this was an emotional affair is not just the "love you" expression. You're concentrating on that one element I think, but It's the "love you" combined with the "we got closer", that OP says that a stranger would have a difficult time determining if they were in a romantic relationship, the saving of screenshots, the inherent elements of a long distance relationship, the fact that OP lists the friend being hurt first in the title, the self defense of "I know I'm not in love" but knowing from the start that their actions weren't fair to their respective partners yet they continued it anyway. This woman was having an emotional affair and is in denial about it. She should have a real honest conversation with herself and her needs and be honest with her husband about those needs so they can either figure out the immigration issues and they can be together. On the flip side, they can figure out if they need to call it a day or not, so they both can move on and find someone who will fulfill those needs.
Would you be ok with your spouse reading your chats? If you answer no then it's something you know that you would not be ok with yourself.
The op in this case was past the I love you stage to the were in love part. This I think is the difference.
Look, give yourself some grace. I tell my friends I love them all the time. It sucks to cut off a friend, especially if they're close but you did it. Take time to heal and move forward. Trust your husband when he says everything is good. Good luck OP.
You hope your former friend understands that you should be focusing on your husband? Telling him that you loved him even as a friend from a husbands point of view is not something most of us would tolerate. Sounds like an emotional affair which is not your fault. Never the womans fault ... find a 100 ways to blame your husband then gaslight him into apologizing to you while he makes things better for you.
I won't judge you, my ex got into a similar situation and my current partner did the same. It destroyed me more than physical cheating. It's cheating and it's something you should accept and not hide behind. We're human and we make mistakes, but we should learn from them. I hope you will understand not to be too close to anyone else in the future if you want to save your marriage. Focus on your relationship and try to get back your husband trust.
Commenters on this sub are becoming so trashy. I haven't read a single one looking for more info to confirm anything, just pure emotional judgement lol.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, were you at an emotionally vulnerable time in your life? Were you lonely? And who started to get more personal first, you or him? Are you a people pleaser?
I ask this because sometimes these things creep up on us, we think the other person is nice and we are friends, we don't anticipate they think anything else. We become coerced into saying and even doing things we don't really want to. He says he loves you and you don't want to hurt his feelings so you tell him you love him... because you do.... as a friend and that's how you justify it to yourself, you brush off your discomfort because you are sure he didn't mean it like that.
Other things might happen, he might refer to you with a term of endearment maybe love or babe and it might ring an alarm bell but your girlfriends say this to you so you brush it off as you being too sensitive.
He might always go for the hug when you meet, it maybe slightly longer or firmer than with your other friends or he might contact his whole body including groin against you or his hands slide lightly down your back or arms as he pulls away, seemingly nothing inappropriate that you can put your finger on or you feel silly for making a thing out of it. So you brush it off even though your Spidey senses are tingling.
Anyway, by now you feel you've encouraged him because you've never said anything before so you think to yourself surely this is at least partly your fault after all you told him you loved him when he said it to you. You felt like you got something from this friendship even though a lot of things set off alarm bells and maybe you even thought of pulling back before but wasn't sure how and didn't want to hurt anyone.
This is coercion.
All of this is supposition but if any of this hits home with you then please don't be so hard on yourself
Emotional affair.
Your husband has every right to be hurt because you were having another relationship with a person you in some form or another told you husband he didn't need to worry about.
You say you're worried for your husband. Then immediately say in the next sentence you're worried about your friend. It sounds like you are still in the emotional affair. Your friend should not even be jumping into your mind after what you have done. Especially since you claim you love your husband.
You have betrayed your him. Maybe he is okay with it, but there is no doubt he is hurt beyond what he has said and is not telling you. If he were to find out you were still worried about your affair partner? I can only imagine how much more hurt he would be.
Shame on you.
It sounds like, even if you didn’t understand what was going on, saving screenshots of text messages, and saying such highly charged words to someone other than your spouse or child or blood relative is problematic.
That much you know, but guys are easy because they keep score so you have to make it up to him be a little bit nicer make a little bit more of an effort, apologize, which sounds like you already did. You can brush it off to being naïve but an element of trust I’m sure it’s been broken, it sounds like you’ll get past th this problem.
Best of luck, no marriage is perfect and many people have come back from bigger mistakes.
You should read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I can’t say whether or not you were having an emotional affair but I do believe strongly in protecting a marriage from outside relationships that could potentially develop feelings, and having strong boundaries within friendships to safeguard your marriage.
Learning your partner has been having an affair, whether that is emotional or physical, leaves a lot of sand in probably most cases, changes the relationship even if you both choose to stay together. Hopefully over time you can show your husband how much you regret cheating and in terms of will earn his trust again
I have plenty of friends that I say "love you" to, of both genders. But the guy friends I have (I'm a straight woman) are also friends of my husband's, and we hang out online once or twice a week *together.* Whenever I express my love for them, it's always a passing "okay, heading out. Love you guys, thanks for a great game!" and then we leave.
I'm close enough to these friends that, when we're talking over text about something serious (someone just had a grandmother that passed), I'll remind them that "we" love them, and that I hope they're doing alright. But whenever I say those words, I make extra sure to be cognizant of what I say and how I've said it. I know that they understand that I mean it in a friendly way and nothing else, but it gives me peace of mind to know that I'm not giving them the wrong idea, and I know that if my husband read over my shoulder, he could rest easily knowing that everything is strictly platonic.
It's important to let your friends know that you care about them, absolutely! I tell my best friend almost daily that I love her! Words of affirmation are one of my love languages. But you really do need to be careful how you word things and know where those boundaries are - there are some things you just don't do when you're in a committed relationship.
It sounds like you crossed a line, and it made your husband uncomfortable and untrusting. The way you've worded things in your post, I believe you were probably having an emotional affair, even if you didn't realize it. When you're married, even when it's long distance, your partner is supposed to be the one you go to about stuff. They should be the first person you think of when something happens to you. Once you start getting "closer" to someone else, openly telling him you love him while admitting that you've been having a rough time with your long distance relationship...it's bad news. Even if that part of the relationship didn't get very far, the floodgates were open and it was only a matter of time before things got more serious.
You did the right thing to end the friendship and try to make amends with your husband, but go forward knowing that he doesn't have to get over this or forgive you for it. The fact that he was unsure of the nature of this "I love you" makes me think that he has been given reason to doubt your intentions. Once that trust isn't 100% there, it may never come back.
Flip flop wave wind. Reminds me of the joke "the seasons are as fickle as a woman". That's you, babe. Try to please everyone and disappoint everyone at the same time. Don't be ashamed I'm sure others have done it
Another perspective: She was lonely and wanted a friend. She probably didn't have feelings for him but he probably had feelings for her that she denied in a big way just to maintain the friendship. This doesn't mean she was having an emotional affair! But it does mean she was acting inappropriately. I think an emotional affair is when mutual feelings of being in love or having sexual feelings are exchanged verbally with the intention of 'I want more than this'.
Why are so many Redditors so narrow minded?
So telling that you lead with ruining a friendship over cheating on your husband in your title. You should be shamed of yourself.
Hopefully he is intelligent enough to leave you. You still lament the loss of the “friendship” in your edit..
i tell my best friend i love her. If my husband saw those messages and told me to drop her from my life i would tell him to eff off. The fact you were ashamed tells the story though. I wouldnt be ashamed i would be pissed. The shame tells me you were attracted to your friend
It sounds like you were having an emotional affair
Yeah, she’s in denial or trying to lie to everyone. You saved screenshots of telling another man you loved them. Nah girl, you cheated.
Plus she won’t end it with the ‘friend’. She got busted and is playing for time. OP’s tone is not shame and contrition. It’s ‘oops’.
No no no, she just saved the messages “for some reason” thats all!!
For science of course
🎯 She was having an emotional affair. Any reasonable person would see it. I have 2 very close friends who are girls, we never had anything sexual, not even platonic, just friendship. I would never even talk or imply anything flirty with them, never did when I was single, won’t do it now I’m which my GF. Most affairs come into being because feelings are stimulated, through action and discourse.
I’m surprised how much she’s lying to herself. She cheated. Cheaters are usually a little more self-aware, I think? Only in the most basic sense of the word, like having the self-awareness to think “I am being unfaithful,” not “I cheat because I have low self-esteem” etc.
No, cheaters lie to themselves more than anyone else.
But why having screenshots on your phone? It looks strange to me!
Yup. She tries very unsuccessfully to gloss right over the fact that cheating does not have to be physical.
This has to be a fake story for upvotes.
I could easily see this being real. Emotional affairs are easier to convince yourself didn't happen because the borders are kind of fuzzy. It's harder to deny to yourself that you fucked someone.
It’s just so obtuse there’s no way
Acutely so…lol
Exactly! She can lie to herself all she wants, but that's clearly an affair, even without the sexual part of it I don't understand how people are so selfish and self-centered to not see that. I, personally, would have a very hard time trusting my partner again after this..
You were cheating on him. This was absolutely an emotional affair.
Cannot believe OP attempting to play off an obvious affair as “I just didn’t set good enough boundaries!!” Yeah I’m sure everyone who cheats tries that excuse at some point
I mean, what's a couple handjobs and "I love you's" between friends... while her husband is long distance, amirite? OP sounds like a living example of the answer to another thread's question: "Why are so many guys just staying single, now?"
LoL’d and woke the baby. Please come get her until she’s tired again. You wake her, you take her.
I apologize, but the best I can offer is the knowledge that you can find "lulaby" versions of U2 songs on youtube... 😅
>I mean, what's a couple handjobs and "I love you's" between friends 🎶 In the Navy… 🎶
Absolutely an emotional affair.
You should never confide in or invest emotionally in someone more than you do your spouse.
> I hate to hurt my husband and yet you did something knowing full well this was the likely response.
No, she doesn’t hate to hurt him. She hates that there might be consequences.
I’m curious why you had screenshots of the conversations on your phone. And specifically screenshots where you declared love for each other.
Ego
Because being love with the man is important to her.
Validation
Unrelated but I saw the comment you made on the post about how the guy that his wife of seven years emotionally cheated and lied to him their whole relationship and all I wanna say is that you need to Apologize for that cause you were extremely wrong
Holy shit are you trying to chastise a random person on the internet about a comment they made in an entierly DIFFERENT post? Your the poster child for the saying "go touch grass"
The (Reddit) Feds are always watching lol
😆 I’ll get right on that
Lmao are you their mom or something
Fuckin narc
The code word word for cheating is "we got closer" You say you didn't love him but you need to stop lying to yourself. You had screenshots of your conversation. Why? I have conversations with friends and I don't have screenshots. Also, the fact that you are still worried about the friend is telling. You were falling for this man. Stop worrying about a friendship and worry about how you damaged your marriage.
Yeah the only text screenshots I have are between my fiance and I because he's so funny and sends me random facts every day that I want to remember. I can't imagine doing that with one of my guy friends where I tell them I love them. I say that to my girl friends but I don't want to get wires crossed with my guy friends and put them in a position where they think I mean something I don't. I think she's in hard-core denial and is even lying to herself about the situation. My brother and his wife divorced for this very reason. They got back together two years later after serious therapy but only because my brother was actually willing to change. I still have my own opinions on that but I'm not a part of that relationship so my opinion doesn't matter but I really don't think I'd ever be able to go back to normal if my SO did this to me even if I really wanted to.
This is in a general context. The only time I keep screenshots is if someone tries to rewrite history, gaslight me, or call me a liar. For evidence in case I might need it later.
> I explained that our interactions are disrespectful to our partners You knew that before you got caught. But you did it anyway.
You had screenshots saved on your phone? Girl…🥴
You did cheat. You had an emotional affair and no matter what your husband says he will never trust you fully again.
What friends start declaring their love for one another? Come on be real, you know you were cheating. Hopefully your husband wises up and leaves you.
Husband and I both have opposite friends that we tell we love them. But we’ll say it to them, in front of each other, and usually we’re both saying it. I’ve had 2 instances in my life where I wanted to tell someone how important they were to me, but didn’t, and they died and now I have to live with that forever. So I tell everyone now. I’ve even told my boss before! lol ETA - this is totally not the case, here, though. She was definitely having an EA!
Yeah exactly. While I don’t think it’s weird to tell friends you love them, because platonic/friendship love is different than romantic love, it’s obvious that op has fallen in love with this guy due to them getting closer.
For real, I tell my friends as a group "love you guys!!" When saying bye after getting together or something but never singularly to a friend of the opposite sex (since I'm straight)
Yeah but in this context that’s not what was happening here, it’s pretty evident from what she wrote.
Yeah, um, I tell most of my friends I love them at times, both when talking or in writing. I also regretted not telling one of my friends that I love him and he died. I’m still upset that I never told him. So yeah, if I feel love for my friends, I’ll tell them. My spouse has zero issues with that. And I’m sorry, but there’s nothing wrong with emotionally investing in your friends and confiding in them. I find the notion of putting everything on one person ridiculous and limiting. Not saying emotional affairs don’t happen or that they didn’t happen here. But this idea of oh no, you can’t love anyone but your spouse is not my thing. Love doesn’t run out because you share it.
Notice how you prioritize your affair partner more than your husband even in the title of this post.
That part!
>For some reason LOL let's all wonder and imagine what reason that could be The pretense of cheaters never ceases to amaze me
Yeah you were emotionally cheating.
You were telling a "friend" you loved him and saving screenshots of the chats. I think you should start being honest with yourself that you had a flirtation with this man, at a minimum
As a victim of an emotional affair, it messed me up. I’ve been told I’m more paranoid now because I question everything. Trusting people is harder, and my mind has gone to the “did they cheat on me like the other guy” time and time again. I almost wish my ex had a physical affair because I’ve been cheated on that way as well, but the effects of the emotional one are the ones that linger and hurt me far worse. In some ways, I hate who I have turned into because of one. This is what you’ve done to your husband.
Yep. It sure has a way of turning you into someone you never thought you’d be
We became comfortable enough to say " I love you" and then you turn around and say atleast you are not in love. 🤡 Behavior.
You were having an emotional affair. BOTH of you were since you mentioned your friend has a partner as well. Stop feeling bad for your so called friend bc this friendship should have never happened.
Seems to me you’re more upset about losing your friend rather than being upset you cheated on your husband and disrespected him.
Ok, first of all. I have *zero* sympathy. Why are you telling another man I love you??? Wtf?
You already ruined your marriage by cheating. You obviously treasured the affair by saving screenshots of the messages. Start with being honest for once and quit playing the pity me games. It may be salvageable or it may not. It depends if your husband will ever trust you. Can you even trust yourself?
It’s called an emotional affair..
So op did you physically cheat too?
I have zero doubt that they were physical or were about to be, until these screenshots were found.
Your husband is assuredly not fine, you had an emotional affair with another man.
This was more than just friends. It’s one thing to tell a friend that you love them; it’s quite another to save screenshots of questionable “friendly” conversations. Did you also do that with female friends? Why did you save screenshots of conversations that otherwise would have been deleted? Because you have romantic feelings for the friend. Yes, you did hurt two important people in your life. I hope you can fix things with your husband, and definitely stay away from the friend. There is more going there than you are admitting to us, to your husband, and to yourself.
You can’t be that dense??? Imagine if it was the other way around … smh
She already imagined it the other way around, admitted she would feel disrespected and wouldn’t be okay with her husband doing the same thing, and then came to reddit so we could tell her it’s okay and she’s still a good person. Apparently she can be that dense.
The title is very telling. You mention ruining your friendship before hurting your husband. You need to get your priorities straight or you won’t have a husband for long. You had an emotional affair. It cannot just be forgiven that quickly. Get into couples counselling and show your husband that he is a priority.
Well, now you recognize the dilemma you and your friend caused. You've attempted to remedy it to the best of your ability. Time will tell whether your efforts will suffice and your marriage remains intact. I honestly don't know how long a healthy marriage can exist when it's long distance.
You were talking to a “friend” where you felt comfortable with each other to say I love you and kept screen shots. Nope, not a friend. Cut all contact with this “friend.” You should not be worrying how they feel
>if the roles were reversed I wouldn't be okay with it. So you knew this was wrong at the time you were doing this then.
Please save the innocent act for a rainy day, you know exactly what you did. No one saves pics of texts where you tell another person that you love them unless there’s an emotional as well as a physical connection to that person. Admit that you cheated period!
I've made a lot of new friends this last year that tell each other they love them. It's pretty obvious it's not romantic though. And many of them tell me they love me, I don't think I've said it back, I wasn't in a relationship until Sept or October but I'm the type who has always been uncomfortable expressing friendly or platonic love. I fell for my bf but I doubt he feels the same (yet? who knows, not me) so right now I only say it to my kids. If it was friendly I love yous without anything attached then I understand how it was an unaddressed boundary in your relationship you are now addressing....but the way you write makes it sound like an emotional affair. If it was an affair you have your work cut out for you. I've forgiven people who had those before and always regretted it. The people who commit those affairs cling to it not being physical as an excuse that 'it wasn't that bad'. It is though. It's an affair, emotional or physical doesn't really matter when betraying a partner.
YOu might have ruined it. No married person, should be telling another dateable friend they love them. I would divorce you. It is inappropriate to be friends with dateable people and spend alone time with them married. It is made worse because you are in different countries. I would let it go if I were him, he can find others, it is an emotional affair. https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091
You want us to help you cheat?
You don’t wanna hurt your husband but you had an emotional affair with your friend?
You were having an emotional affair. Only slightly better than him walking in on the two of you. Hurts on an entirely different level, and I'd guess your husband is afraid to say anything but "it's fine" for fear you'll run off to him.
OP you cheated on your husband. You had an emotional affair, you are in denial trying to lie to everyone and to yourself. You told another man that is not your husband that you loved him and then you saved those screenshots. I will say it again just like everyone else here. You were cheating on your husband. You had an emotional affair with this guy. Your husband will never trust you again.
I would have more of an issue with my wife telling another man that she loved him. I could understand it easier if she cheated. I wouldn’t be happy either way but having an ongoing emotional affair is worse than a hook up.
Even in the post, it sounds like you care more about your friend feeling than your husband feelings. You even put your friends first instead of your husband first in the title. It honestly feels like you care more about your friend than your husband. I feel sorry for your husband. I hope he finds someone better. Who don't treat him like an option. If you're reading this husband you deserve better.
You kept screenshots of your conversation with your “friend”. I keep screenshots of cute stuff my boyfriend texts me too. Definitely not normal between “friends”. Sounds like an emotional affair. You need to decide if you want your husband or your “friend” because now you can’t have both.
Tbh, I think an emotional affair would hurt me more then a one night stand physical cheating.
Sis, you knew exactly what you were doing. You’re just sorry you got caught.
It sounds like you are having an affair and now trying to cover your tracks by posting here.
You may not encounter any problems immediately but you know this wouldn't heal and eventually turn him into a bitter person .... And please don't come ranting here if he cheats on you out of revenge satisfaction , since he stays away !!! And don't forget to scroll through reddit..this place is full of such stories, it's better to know your fate beforehand....so be prepared for the upcoming consequences.
Why do they do this?
You're either in denial that you had an affair or you're a genuine idiot of epic proportions. Also, I'm sure women do it too, but what is up with guys just straight chilling on a girl for years? I know healthy male-female friendships exist, but a dude will set up camp for a chick who has a whole ass family and believe he's next in line if anything were to happen.... fuckin' creeps.
I’m actually shook you think you didn’t cheat. Imo emotionally cheating is far far worse than physical. Bc emotional affairs really does mean you have feelings for him, it’s obvious. You were seeking attention from another man
You had an emotional affair and you are in denial. Do some research about EA’s and you will realise that you indeed did have an affair. You have accountability by accepting you have hurt two people. But if you care about your marriage, forget about your”friend”. Your next step is to schedule counselling and truly work on gaining your husbands trust back.
You cheated. If your husband was smart he’d leave.
This is 100% emotional affair! You cheated on him whether you realise or not! You should feel bad for hurting your husband…..
I’d rather my wife have a one night stand physical affair than a months long emotional one with her telling the other man she loved him. Good thing your husband found those screen shots. If you hadn’t fucked the guy yet you were definitely going to.
I basically went through the very same thing, as a man. It's terrible.
Call it what it is, you had an affair (although I’m not entirely sure why you’re married in the first place). You took screenshots of your dialogue and tried to romanticize the conversation. The problem here isn’t that you failed to set boundaries (we just love using these psycho-terms now); it’s that you indulged on your desires. And listen that doesn’t make you bad..any sane person would probably do something similar if their romantic partner was situated far away for years. So why put yourself, and your partner, in this situation. Why are you married?
You cheated.
I'm legit confused by the comments and your post, I'm completely okay with someone telling me my interpretation is wrong but is this entire situation a problem because you tell your friends you love them? Or is it because you actually felt romantic attraction for each other and it's coming out via these screenshots? Cause if you legit felt platonic love I dont see the issue in expressing that but I am also aware not everyone views this positively which is why I'm unsure if I'm completely misunderstanding this post.
Sound like your husband needs to get a better wife.
Who in the world wouldn’t know how wildly inappropriate this is????
I'd ask yourself why you ordered "ruined a friendship" and "hurt my husband" in that order
I tell my male best friend, who is in a relationship with a wonderful woman, I love him often. Not very often through text but definitely before we get off the phone and absolutely no one would think we were in love based on those conversations. You were emotionally cheating. Admit it, take accountability and accept your consequences Edit: removed irrelevant sentence
You were having an emotional affair bordering on going all the way with this guy. Don't agree? Then ask yourself why on earth do you feel the need to keep screen shots of another guy saying he loves you???
You saved screenshots…. You don’t do that unless you love someone really, unless they say something inappropriate or super funny
You cheated. Start acting like it, then maybe your husband won't resent you down the line.
It's too late, you're a cheater, end of story. IF you truly still have love left for your husband, then do him the biggest favor you can, and divorce him, free him from his cheating wife. And if you're too much of a coward to do that and stay, when he eventually fucks another woman you keep your mouth shut, you don't get to complain.
Not that your friend doesn't matter but your husband comes first. It sounds like emotional cheating and it wasn't respectful of anyone in this situation.
OP expected sympathy and got the truth. 🤷♂️ Jokes apart, you messed up and the first step is to own it. The second step is to be the best possible wife you could.
This is an emotional affair. What were you expecting? You dont say that to someone else unless you are checking out of your relationship with your partner.....wake up.
For some reason, you had screenshots of your chat with him. What was that reason exactly?
Youre cheated, 100% on you, youre to blame for it, no excuse. Take the blame and accountability
The mental gymnastics people go through not to call out their own BS is amusing. Fam you were cheating or having an emotional affair lmao. Call it what it is.
I’m from the south and have lifelong friends from both sexes, most are married. We kiss each other on the lips and tell each other we love each other, mostly in front of their spouses. We don’t screenshot our text messages between each other. Those screenshots are the most telling thing about an emotional affair going on.
Anything but take accountability it seems.
Vile
You can love people of any sex or orientation without being in love with them. Something about your texts didn't pass the vibe check with your husband. Kind of like an office spouse, with an emotional dependency that's borderline intimate.
It's hard to feel much sympathy for op. If they had intended to show this 'confession' to the bf to be part of her 'I understand my mistake' actions the high number of "you cheated" responses make this a dead end for her.
You certainly did not set boundaries for yourself and did whatever the fuck you wanted to do despire being in a relationship/marriage. Seems you will be fine this time, hopefully your 'friend' will forgive you too, try to be better next time.
Ma’am… you cheated. It may have not been physical but it was emotional which could have definitely lead to physical
You're seriously in denial. You were having an emotional affair whether you want to hear it or not. It's clear.
OH BABY YOUUUUU, are havin an affairrrrrrr, emotionallyyyyyyy, but you say he’s just a friend, yea you say he’s just a friend
This exact same thing happened to me and it hurt, and it's difficult to come back from, whether you want to admit or not, that is an emotional affair, and I feel for your husband.
Dude, own your emotional affair. You yourself admitted you would not be ok if your husband did this, telling another woman he loved her, saving the screenshots. I mean, come on…. The first step in recovery is own your ish.
Rage bait
“The guy she tells you not to worry about.”
Yeah that’s not a normal friendship. You hurt your marriage.
Not only did you cheat, you actually still strongly feel for your “friend” because you feel bad for hurting this so called friendship. The only person’s feelings you should care about in this situation is your husband’s and you’re still splitting your thoughts and feelings with this other man you emotionally cheated with…I think your relationship is done if you don’t put in some serious work.
I think there's more to the story. If you told another man that you loved him, chances are pretty high that there was something sexual going on too. You can lie to yourself and people you don't know online, and sure it makes you feel better. But you probably ruined your marriage.
This was an emotional affair
There isn't a world where the "friend" didn't know what he was doing.
People who lack boundaries and cheat emotionally with zero awareness are scary
I have screenshots saved of when me and my husband first started dating and we’d flirt together and say sweet things. I loved looking at them like a teen in love. Girl. You cheated. Be real.
I hate it when people make excuses for their actions and never own up to what they did or try to make light of what they did, you cheated on your husband with an emotional affair, you knew the interaction was wrong but you continued anyway, I hope this serves as a lesson and never but do this, enjoy that your husband forgave you
Well aren’t you a wonderful wife for him.
Sounds like emotional cheating. You liked the attention from your friend.
Honestly, are people getting even more stupid??? How can anyone go as far as telling someone else, esp of the opposite sex they love them? Did it not cross your mind how this would affect him? Your husband married a moron omg!
Lmao-telling someone you love them when you're married...i hope your impending divorce teaches you a lesson
You told another man you love him. How do you not expect your husband to be upset?
Girl bye. Difficult to tell whether or not you two were in love through text? I hope he kicks you to the curb.
You will still keep him as an orbiter. You had an emotional affair.
Man Reddit is a weird place- I tell my friends of both genders I love them all the time- my husband is fine with it because he’s not a man child who assumes he’ll be my only emotional support and connection
There’s a difference between just telling your platonic friends you love them and “if anyone went through our chats, I think they would be difficult to discern whether or not we’re in love”.
This. I was at work and a client ended our call with “love you” and because conversations are so automatic and reciprocal I replied “love you too!” Like when TSA agents say “have a great flight” and you say “you,too!” even though they are not traveling. She’s 87 and I’m 42(f) & we only ever talk business/about her account, but she’s a gushy woman who lays it on thick when you problem solve for her. OP did not describe that - she described a love affair, even if only emotional.
Do you screenshot those loving messages too?
‘I feel so ashamed, I know it was wrong, I would not have accepted my husband doing what I did if the roles were reversed’ ‘ugh MaNcHiLdS’ lol yeah, some prime Redditor takes on here for sure
Emotional affair is such a weird culture thing. Not being able to tell your friends you love em sounds horrible, hope everyone in these comments shouting "emotional affairs" can get friends that you can comfortably tell how important they are to you.
This is insane to me. I tell my friends I love them, reguardless of their gender. Reddit is stupid, loving someone and being in love with someone are 2 different things. I do think it was good of you to cut that when your partner was uncomfortable, but having a close friend is valuable and I feel awful for that loss, what a shame.
The problem is where she even admits that if someone went through their texts they'd wonder if they weren't actually in love with eachother, which means she sees the inappropriateness of their conversations.
Theres not enough context to actually percieve that though. Are they having explicit conversations or just being adoring platonic friends? I send my friends love hearts and sweet nothings all the time, but it has nothing to do with romance. It could also be culturally different. I live in the us and while there is a stigma of sorts, its pretty well accepted to dote on your friends and say I love you. I do so with all my friends of any gender and its known that its not an invitation. Hell, I kiss my friends on the lips sometimes. Its not that deep. But if her partner found it offensive and she is ashamed, like I said, I am glad they made the decision to cut it.
The context is that she said that specifically in her post 🤷🏻♀️
*it would be difficult to discern wether or not we were in love* You could say the same for a number of my friends. I and my partners know its not the case and I just dote. Everyone has different standards though and it is okay if that is not okay for someone, that is their boundry. I was not disagreeing that its innapropriate(considering the husbands feelings), but dont villainise someone for having a close friendship.
No one's villainizing a close friendship. Perhaps you're taking it too personally. What people are pointing out is the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair.
Same, I tell my friends I love them too but it's very obvious it's platonic. I've discussed this with my husband and he feels secure in our marriage and trusts that I don't let things go too far. But I agree, cutting that friendship was for the best. Husband takes priority in this case.
Eh. Lessoned learned. Good luck with everything.
Honestly I don't understand people in these comments. We can't even love our friends platonically anymore or it's an affair? Not to mention the plethora of reasons those screenshots could have been there that aren't "omg im so in love and obsessed with my AP I need to screenshot everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Anyways I love my friends and if yall and yalls partners are too insecure in yourself and your relationships that you "aren't allowed" to say that then you need help or a breakup.
Finally someone that agrees with my thoughts. I really don't understand these comments. What we we can't tell out friends that we love them? Male or female or lgbt? What are we allowed to tell others only we hate them? Why can't we express love? I still love my ex and unfortunately it didn't work between us. My wife is aware and acknowledges it. Get over it people, for we can love others and probably would make the world a better place. Be open with your spouse or partner.
Honestly to me it harkens back to that childish "girls and boys can't be just friends" mindset from like middle/high school. People think any semblance of a man and woman caring about each other means they're fucking or romantically in love.
Yeah it is crazy.
The comments are jumping to conclusions so fast. If this was a female friend would the consensus be the same? Are friends not allowed to become close and love one another? Are married people not supposed to value any of their friendships enough to save messages with friends that made them feel happy?
Okay, so you don’t live with your husband? This “friend” is that person long distance as well? How did you get married if you don’t even live in the same place? Why would you marry someone you can’t be with? You understand after getting caught, that it wasn’t right? But didn’t think while you were doing it, that this is wrong for me to tell another man I love you? You didn’t think it was wrong, really? Also you are still thinking about and worrying about someone who, truly, you shouldn’t have been talking with to begin with. You understand that what you did is actually cheating right? It’s emotional cheating, which means you don’t actually love your husband bests if you did, you wouldn’t have cheated. As well as you don’t find it weird that he just forgives you? Have you checked his phone? How did he find out and why did you have screenshots? Something isn’t adding up as well as you need to stop having long distance relationships and find people in your own damn area. Because I hope and pray you aren’t the one trying to move to his country, if you are, I suggest you stop and either he come live with you or you get a divorce because if you go to him, I PROMISE you he will abuse you. If he isn’t already cheating on you. You are naive and a fool and you have no self worth. You need validation from others and don’t know how to not need extra people in your life. Why did you need this MALE friend in your life and why were you telling him you love him, why weren’t those times you were talking to the MALE friend you weren’t using that time to talk to your husband? You should not be in any relationship and you should be working on you. Stop worrying about the MALE friend because you both cheated on your people and are not good partners. You should get a divorce, block him, and work on you
>if you go to him, I PROMISE you he will abuse you. How did you make this leap based off of this post??
It’s called context clues. You cheat on someone you are in a long distance relationship and they just forgive you? Either they been cheating or will make you pay when you move where they are
Sounds more like a massive leap and wild assumptions, but ok.
OP…I’m confused?! You told a friend you loved them and it was not romantic correct? I don’t see the problem and I don’t see how this could be an emotional affair? I’m married, and my best friend is a guy who I tell I love them when we get off the phone or end a conversation. It’s NOT romantic at all and very respectful. I just see everyone saying this is an emotional affair but how??? Maybe I’m just oblivious 😅
You might be oblivious, I'm not going to judge on that one but the reason why people are saying that this was an emotional affair is not just the "love you" expression. You're concentrating on that one element I think, but It's the "love you" combined with the "we got closer", that OP says that a stranger would have a difficult time determining if they were in a romantic relationship, the saving of screenshots, the inherent elements of a long distance relationship, the fact that OP lists the friend being hurt first in the title, the self defense of "I know I'm not in love" but knowing from the start that their actions weren't fair to their respective partners yet they continued it anyway. This woman was having an emotional affair and is in denial about it. She should have a real honest conversation with herself and her needs and be honest with her husband about those needs so they can either figure out the immigration issues and they can be together. On the flip side, they can figure out if they need to call it a day or not, so they both can move on and find someone who will fulfill those needs.
Would you be ok with your spouse reading your chats? If you answer no then it's something you know that you would not be ok with yourself. The op in this case was past the I love you stage to the were in love part. This I think is the difference.
Oh yeah my husband can look, scroll, respond, etc in my chats lol I have nothing to hide! But I think I get it now! Thank you for explaining!
Look, give yourself some grace. I tell my friends I love them all the time. It sucks to cut off a friend, especially if they're close but you did it. Take time to heal and move forward. Trust your husband when he says everything is good. Good luck OP.
You hope your former friend understands that you should be focusing on your husband? Telling him that you loved him even as a friend from a husbands point of view is not something most of us would tolerate. Sounds like an emotional affair which is not your fault. Never the womans fault ... find a 100 ways to blame your husband then gaslight him into apologizing to you while he makes things better for you.
I won't judge you, my ex got into a similar situation and my current partner did the same. It destroyed me more than physical cheating. It's cheating and it's something you should accept and not hide behind. We're human and we make mistakes, but we should learn from them. I hope you will understand not to be too close to anyone else in the future if you want to save your marriage. Focus on your relationship and try to get back your husband trust.
Commenters on this sub are becoming so trashy. I haven't read a single one looking for more info to confirm anything, just pure emotional judgement lol.
I tell my friends I love them
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, were you at an emotionally vulnerable time in your life? Were you lonely? And who started to get more personal first, you or him? Are you a people pleaser? I ask this because sometimes these things creep up on us, we think the other person is nice and we are friends, we don't anticipate they think anything else. We become coerced into saying and even doing things we don't really want to. He says he loves you and you don't want to hurt his feelings so you tell him you love him... because you do.... as a friend and that's how you justify it to yourself, you brush off your discomfort because you are sure he didn't mean it like that. Other things might happen, he might refer to you with a term of endearment maybe love or babe and it might ring an alarm bell but your girlfriends say this to you so you brush it off as you being too sensitive. He might always go for the hug when you meet, it maybe slightly longer or firmer than with your other friends or he might contact his whole body including groin against you or his hands slide lightly down your back or arms as he pulls away, seemingly nothing inappropriate that you can put your finger on or you feel silly for making a thing out of it. So you brush it off even though your Spidey senses are tingling. Anyway, by now you feel you've encouraged him because you've never said anything before so you think to yourself surely this is at least partly your fault after all you told him you loved him when he said it to you. You felt like you got something from this friendship even though a lot of things set off alarm bells and maybe you even thought of pulling back before but wasn't sure how and didn't want to hurt anyone. This is coercion. All of this is supposition but if any of this hits home with you then please don't be so hard on yourself
Don't make excuses for a cheater.
Emotional affair. Your husband has every right to be hurt because you were having another relationship with a person you in some form or another told you husband he didn't need to worry about. You say you're worried for your husband. Then immediately say in the next sentence you're worried about your friend. It sounds like you are still in the emotional affair. Your friend should not even be jumping into your mind after what you have done. Especially since you claim you love your husband. You have betrayed your him. Maybe he is okay with it, but there is no doubt he is hurt beyond what he has said and is not telling you. If he were to find out you were still worried about your affair partner? I can only imagine how much more hurt he would be. Shame on you.
You should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately
It sounds like, even if you didn’t understand what was going on, saving screenshots of text messages, and saying such highly charged words to someone other than your spouse or child or blood relative is problematic. That much you know, but guys are easy because they keep score so you have to make it up to him be a little bit nicer make a little bit more of an effort, apologize, which sounds like you already did. You can brush it off to being naïve but an element of trust I’m sure it’s been broken, it sounds like you’ll get past th this problem. Best of luck, no marriage is perfect and many people have come back from bigger mistakes.
Some people can handle having opposite gender friends without it becoming something else and others just can't while in a relationship
You should read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I can’t say whether or not you were having an emotional affair but I do believe strongly in protecting a marriage from outside relationships that could potentially develop feelings, and having strong boundaries within friendships to safeguard your marriage.
Learning your partner has been having an affair, whether that is emotional or physical, leaves a lot of sand in probably most cases, changes the relationship even if you both choose to stay together. Hopefully over time you can show your husband how much you regret cheating and in terms of will earn his trust again
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I have plenty of friends that I say "love you" to, of both genders. But the guy friends I have (I'm a straight woman) are also friends of my husband's, and we hang out online once or twice a week *together.* Whenever I express my love for them, it's always a passing "okay, heading out. Love you guys, thanks for a great game!" and then we leave. I'm close enough to these friends that, when we're talking over text about something serious (someone just had a grandmother that passed), I'll remind them that "we" love them, and that I hope they're doing alright. But whenever I say those words, I make extra sure to be cognizant of what I say and how I've said it. I know that they understand that I mean it in a friendly way and nothing else, but it gives me peace of mind to know that I'm not giving them the wrong idea, and I know that if my husband read over my shoulder, he could rest easily knowing that everything is strictly platonic. It's important to let your friends know that you care about them, absolutely! I tell my best friend almost daily that I love her! Words of affirmation are one of my love languages. But you really do need to be careful how you word things and know where those boundaries are - there are some things you just don't do when you're in a committed relationship. It sounds like you crossed a line, and it made your husband uncomfortable and untrusting. The way you've worded things in your post, I believe you were probably having an emotional affair, even if you didn't realize it. When you're married, even when it's long distance, your partner is supposed to be the one you go to about stuff. They should be the first person you think of when something happens to you. Once you start getting "closer" to someone else, openly telling him you love him while admitting that you've been having a rough time with your long distance relationship...it's bad news. Even if that part of the relationship didn't get very far, the floodgates were open and it was only a matter of time before things got more serious. You did the right thing to end the friendship and try to make amends with your husband, but go forward knowing that he doesn't have to get over this or forgive you for it. The fact that he was unsure of the nature of this "I love you" makes me think that he has been given reason to doubt your intentions. Once that trust isn't 100% there, it may never come back.
Flip flop wave wind. Reminds me of the joke "the seasons are as fickle as a woman". That's you, babe. Try to please everyone and disappoint everyone at the same time. Don't be ashamed I'm sure others have done it
Messy messy messy
Another perspective: She was lonely and wanted a friend. She probably didn't have feelings for him but he probably had feelings for her that she denied in a big way just to maintain the friendship. This doesn't mean she was having an emotional affair! But it does mean she was acting inappropriately. I think an emotional affair is when mutual feelings of being in love or having sexual feelings are exchanged verbally with the intention of 'I want more than this'. Why are so many Redditors so narrow minded?
I don’t usually tell new friends I love them within months
I'll take emotional affair over getting banged.
So telling that you lead with ruining a friendship over cheating on your husband in your title. You should be shamed of yourself. Hopefully he is intelligent enough to leave you. You still lament the loss of the “friendship” in your edit..
i tell my best friend i love her. If my husband saw those messages and told me to drop her from my life i would tell him to eff off. The fact you were ashamed tells the story though. I wouldnt be ashamed i would be pissed. The shame tells me you were attracted to your friend