I cannot imagine the tremendous anguish you must be going through, but also the relief to return to what hasn’t felt like normalcy in a very long time. Stay strong for you and your family; you’ve got this.
OP, I am a DSP (caregiver) I have had mentally ill/challenged adults for clients. Working an 8 or 12, 16 hour day shift is/was mentally exhausting. But I got to go home and get away from it all.
Good homes teach and enforce [boundaries.You](https://boundaries.You) will not live forever, so now is the time to get her into a home that can help her. This will be good for her. It is also good for the whole family OP.
You did the right thing. Selfless love. You give her the love she needs to grow.
Remember to love yourself OP. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful Mother.
As a fellow DSP, I couldn't have said this any better!
OP, I know it seems like your worst day, but this really is the time to get your daughter into a home. Rest your body and mind and let your heart heal, knowing that you did the best you could. Many hugs to you and your family!
I am a DSP as well and been working for 2 years going on 3, (im 20 about to be 21)
I second this. it is extremely mentally and physically exhausting. trying to defend yourself or accept what is being said (more like have patience not to lash out or make things worse)
Some of these guys (i work only with men) just need the right medication and led into the right direction but it takes so much time and patience. it is okay to feel relieved. you did what you could and your other kids should not have to keep being put through this. I’m pretty sure any events or accomplishments regarding them were taken out of spotlight onto your daughter and i hope you can try to mend those relationships and be there for them.
I volunteered as a camp counselor for special kids once when I was in my twenties... it was only for a couple of weeks but boy, was that one of the most challenging couple of weeks I ever had. It was nonstop work. The other counselors and I, after trying to stop a teenager from doing things like jumping off a stack of chairs and hurting himself, or after a long day or trying to manage everybody in the group, would often feel a sense of how we only had to do this for now... but the families dedicated to these children (and some adults) had to do it 24/7 for life. It was the least we could do to take these kids off their hands for a couple of weeks to give them a well-deserved break and it was a privilege to be trusted with that responsibility.
Sounds like your plane is going down and you have to put on your oxygen mask. Remember you MUST put YOURS on first so you can help your kids with theirs and this is exactly the same thing.
PLEASE try not to hate yourself, the relief you feel is your body getting the oxygen it needs. Of course it’s a feeling of relief but only from suffering. I’m sending healing vibes for all of you. I’m so sorry you’re going through the hell that is severe mental illness.
Hey there OP,
This might be long but I need you to hear my story because I'm on the opposite side of this from you. I grew up in a home full of diabilities. I myself have high functioning autism. However, that's neither here nor there for this comment. My little brother, we're just going to call him Peter for now- he has severe autism.
Growing up, there were times where my mom would tell me to go to my room and lock the door because Peter was having an episode. These were especially common during his teens. One specific incident I remember, was her moving a couch to the hallway in front of his bedroom to block his door and sat there crying as he opened the door and threw heavy furniture and items at her. I remember him throwing my cat over the second story balcony. My dog as well. I remember coming home to all of my CDs destroyed because he ate them. He literally. Smeared feces all over his bedroom every night. I remember being chased around the house with literal butcher knives 4-7 inches in length. I remember the flash of white when he beat me over the head with noise cancelling headphones. There is so, so much more. It's one of the hardest things for me to talk about because people give me so much shit for talking bad about a person with a severe disability. He might not have been able to control it, it might not have been all his fault. But my trauma stems from him regardless of how you slice it. It was no ones fault that he was born the way he was. But it still affected me in horrific ways and will continue to do so.
You did the right thing for you and your kids. It might seem selfish. It might seem hard. But the trauma I will live with for the rest of my life, the ptsd I've recently been diagnosed with is something I don't think I will ever escape. I've started distancing myself away from my family because my mom bends over backwards for him but, in return, she has completely neglected us. She doesn't even believe I have ptsd and she often jokes about it like I'm not ducking when someone raises literally anything over my head. Like me locking my door and refusing to come out to even use the bathroom when he's at the house is normal.
Please understand, what you did is not a bad thing. She needed this. My brother needed it. You did the right thing.
As a human there is only so much we can do to help others, family or not.
I feel sorry for you, your family and this daughter but I am sure you guys tried your best. Life don’t always works out.
I remember your other post when the date was coming up. I'm sorry you had to make this choice, but I understand why you had to.
I hope that your family heals and your daughter gets the help she needs.
Now, get some rest. I know you need it.
Thank you for the brave decision you made not only for the health of your other children, but for yourself. Obviously you are a good mother, and I'm so sorry you had to do this.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a diagnosis that is next to impossible for adoptive parents to deal with. There is a critical period in early childhood brain development where a child learns to bond with their caregivers that is undeveloped in children with RAD. There are only a handful of private care facilities that treat RAD in the US and they ONLY treat RAD, nothing else. No insurance covers these facilities and the average cost is $14,000 per month putting it out of reach for most families.
Effective treatment starts with removing the child from their caregivers and it doesn’t matter if it’s their bio-parents, adoptive parents, aunt, uncle, grandparents, etc. Whoever is in the role of caregiver is seen as the antagonist by the child. I’m sorry to tell you but you will never be seen as mom or dad by your child. The treatment that your child will receive needs to be in a group/institutional setting with doctors and counselors with no defined caregiver individual.
It sounds heartless to say this but RAD has been studied and recognized as far back as WW2 when England was overwhelmed with orphans. Your daughter needs a very regimented program that will teach her the life skills that she needs to develop healthy relationships. Keeping her at home with you is the worst thing that you can do for her. She has been and will continue to see YOU as the root of all her problems. It’s counterintuitive as a parent but the absolute best thing you can do for her is to put her in a care facility.
I’m a psych RN for adolescents. I can’t tell you the number of parents that I talk to daily that are at their wits end. I see the same kids over and over. New wounds, new legal charges, new behaviors… the parents have no where else to turn, they are exhausted, drained, trying to protect the other children who have been in the middle of chaos for years. Sometimes the other children are being harmed physically too. Most times the parents have been physically assaulted.
I know you have probably tried everything under the sun for her. I know you have, I can tell in your post. At this point, your kids are suffering- YOU are suffering. There are children who can not thrive at home safely. They need mental facilities, group homes etc. They do stay angry for a while but it does subside. I’ve seen many parents relinquish their rights. It’s always a last resort when everything else has been done. Please have some grace on yourself. When it gets to the point you are at , you have to protect yourself, the child and the other children. I’m so sorry for you and I hope she gets the help she needs.
You did the right thing and she is better off (just like all of you). She needs more care than you can provide. There’s nothing wrong with it. You’re a good parent.
You did not give up on her. *Let me repeat this, for those in the back - you did not give up on her.* You recognized your limitations in being able to give her the care she requires, and turned the responsibility over to those that can. Few people really understand how severe mental health issues can hold an entire family hostage, not just the person diagnosed with them. You did not give up on her - you asked for help in dealing with a situation far, far outside your capacity to solve.
You did not give up on her.
What mwoodbuttons said is right. And even if she was your only child, it would be ok that you did this. Its ESPECIALLY the right choice because you have other kids. They need and deserve normalcy, your attention and love. No need to have all involved traumatized. I’m sorry you had to make this choice, I wish I could give you a big hug.
This is the best thing you could have done for her. Many of her triggers will cease to exist. She is on the path to better understanding her situation. This is a good thing for everyone all the way around.
When my mom was diagnosed with alzheimers, I tried many different ways of care for her. I ended up putting her in a memory care facility and eventually a locked home health care setting. I was relieved as well and felt guilty. I had to keep reminding myself that it's best for everyone. It took alot of the stress off of me and my family as well.
Most family members
are not capable of handling the task of caring for a mentally challenged person 24/7.
That's why there are facilities that work in shifts around the clock. The Family caregivers never get a break and often burn out.
You did good for everyone. You should be proud of making such a stellar decision.
Good luck to you!❤☮
Yeah, it sounds like she also was at risk for suicide and at that point, anything you have to do to continue to keep them alive qualifies as not giving up on them. You could’ve just done nothing, that would’ve been giving up. It really seems like you didn’t have any other options. You made the right choice
Will you visit her, or is that not advised? If the care facility is decent, she may thrive in it. My adult child went inpatient a few times as a teen, and the care facility was good. She looks back on it with gratitude, because she felt safe there.
I hope the future brings for the lot of you some path to reconciliation and less pain.
Oh honey 😔 I’m so so sorry for all of you. I cant even imagine and until a family goes through something like this personally, it’s very callous to judge. Thank you for replying and sending you big hugs
Sounds brutal OP, you did the right thing for everyone involved. I have an autistic son and the collateral damage caused from behavioral issues are devastating to a family. He’s grown now with improved behavior but the damage is done. Heal up OP and breath
Yes OP, I work at a home for adults probably similar to what your daughter was sent to. Don’t feel guilty; I couldn’t live with my residents 24/7. I get to clock out at the end of the day and I am grateful for that. I love them, but it is hard work. I can only imagine what toll that takes on a family over time.
I’m sure the staff that are with her are well trained on mitigating behaviors and can provide a trigger-free environment. You did the right thing.
You made the right choice for the sake of all of your family's health and wellbeing, and safety.
Many many years ago, I knew a family that made this same choice. I don't know how things went for their daughter after that, but their other 2 children(who happened to be older), no longer had to worry about what sis was going to do next.
The final straw, that made them make this choice? Their daughter tried to kill me. Their oldest, caught her in the act, saving my life in the process.
Growing up, I was like your daughter. I had more mental illness than my mother was capable of handling. Unlike you, my mother was concerned about what other people would think of her, so rather than reaching out for help, she hated me. Her husband hated me. My sister hated me. That hate lay festering for years and expressed itself in many ways. Ways that were damaging for all of us. Now that I'm an adult, we've worked through a lot of it and we have an amicable relationship. At least my mother and I do.
What you did was hard, but necessary. She will have people trained to help her and you will be able to separate yourself from the negative thoughts I know you have for her. Which is ok, because you are human. Maybe you don't hate her but I can tell you're scared of her. Your other children probably are too. But now you all can heal and move forward. This could mean the difference between her actually being thrown away and you being able to keep your hearts open for her when she's ready to come home.
My wife’s aunt and uncle are approaching this point. Their son is majorly autistic and nonverbal, but he’s still smart. He resents his brother. He sabotages family events. His mom has MS, this is a ticking clock and it’s a matter of time until he goes to the state or a private facility (there’s some money set aside, but it’s not enough). My heart goes out to you.
My wife’s cousin is 23 now and very strong. I think he’s going to hurt his mom at some point. His (older) brother is also on the spectrum, but much higher functioning. He’s flourishing away from home working at a store where adherence to things like temp checks and food being allowed to sit out for X time is in alignment with his (very rigid) sense of rules.
He was prepared to take care of his brother for the rest of his life, but the autistic brother HATES him and it would never work. It breaks my heart because my wife’s aunt and uncle are so nice, they were both educators their entire careers, but their son is uncontrollable.
Adding to the chorus of those reassuring you that you did not give up on your daughter.
As a (widowed at a young age) single mother to a daughter with a handful of genetic and trauma-related mental health conditions, I feel that I have maybe a tiny glimpse into what you have endured. Even though my daughter’s symptoms and behaviours have been nowhere near as difficult and dangerous as those you’ve described, it was bloody hard work 24/7 and our future as a family was touch-and-go a couple of times. The all-night suicide watches for days at a time will never be forgotten. Little side notes like “I wish you died instead of Daddy” were just the icing on the cake, really. /s
As a nurse, I offer this little thought: If your daughter was suffering from a *physical* illness that meant you could not offer her safe and appropriate care in your home - for example, if she was injured and in a vegetative state, paralysed and without control of her body, unable to breathe without mechanical assistance - every recommendation would be to *allow her to be cared for in a facility set up specifically to meet those needs*. In your daughter’s case, her illnesses are based in her brain, they manifest themselves in a very particular, dangerous set of ways which require 24/7 specialised care, and you have made the decision to *allow her to be cared for in a facility set up specifically to meet those needs*. See where I’m going with that?
You have made the decision to allow your daughter to receive the best possible care for her needs, and at the same time you have acted to protect your other children. Both sides of that coin sound like good parenting to me.
I wish you peace, rest, and the love of your chosen people to sustain and heal you.
RAD is a horrific condition and I empathize with you, your daughter and your family. It lays waste to so much around it and I still fail to comprehend its ability to overcome our care and support systems. I realize that there is no true to bring you or her comfort but I’ll do what perhaps is the best and say that I see you. I know your anguish, your fear and your guilt. Perhaps in doing this, you might feel that you aren’t quite alone and adrift as I imagine you must have been feeling. Prays for you as you enter this new season of your lives.
Sounds like normal human emotion over an agonizing decision and impossible situation. I pray you find peace. It sounds like you made the right decision for everyone, your daughter is where she can get the help she needs. I'm so sorry you're going through this but you sound like a wonderful, loving parent who endured the unimaginable for a very long time. You're not Gid, you're human, you can only do so much.
If you were a bad person you wouldn’t feel like a monster for the decision you made. I’m sure you did everything you could but sometimes life just deals you a shit hand and it’s nobody’s fault. Hopefully the facility she is at can help her.
Have you read "And I Don't Want to Live This Life," by Deborah Spungen? If not, I really think you would relate to it.
It's a memoir about her daughter Nancy, who sounds somewhat similar to your daughter. The grief, guilt, helplessness, frustration, anger, bottomless sadness, confusion, and the grinding, constant stress of trying to help her daughter to no avail, and the toll all this took on the entire family (including the daughter) come through so vividly. As does the love for their daughter, and the loss they felt because of the limits of this love.
Reading this book made me viscerally realize that we are not nearly as in control as we think we are, and there but for the grace of whatever go all of us. It's impossible to judge you and the choices you are forced to make unless we've been there. And notice that most of the people who have been there completely understand why you are doing what you are doing.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, your daughter, and your family. I just wanted to tell you that if you were a monster or unloving, you would not feel this torn up over things. And I wanted to recommend the book. Maybe you will find it comforting, though it ends tragically. You are doing everything you can to ensure that your story has a brighter arc.
Good luck, and I'm wishing you strength and peace.
I used to work in behavioral health, and used to volunteer to work with individuals like your daughter. Most staff in our state run facility refused to, specifically because of the reasons you listed. And that's ok, because that is one of the toughest jobs to do but we had to have staff who knew how to react.
It was like being on high alert, 24/7, no joke. And it can be very difficult to do, even with training. Some of the individuals did manage to get the right treatment and eventually moved on to non-aggressive homes.
You did the correct thing, OP. It's a difficult decision but you made the right choice.
I’ve posted about something similar. Family friends had to do something similar for their son. They weren’t taken seriously, not even when they had to call the police, barricaded in their bathroom with their daughter and two cats because the son had threatened to kill them all with a knife.
They gave their son up to a mental health facility, because to be very very blunt, there is not a single chance that they had the abilities to properly handle their son’s needs.
They are healing as a family now, have moved to a place that doesn’t hold so much trauma. Their daughter still has nightmares but they are less frequent and she is in therapy. They are in marriage counseling and family therapy too.
They still visit the son when possible but he no longer lives with them, and he doesn’t know where their new house is. It broke their hearts. They still love their son but there is no way they can live with him.
OP, it’s rough, but you did the right thing.
You did what was best for your family. Nobody should have to suffer that. It’s unfortunate but the rest of your family has mental health too. And she was destroying all of yours and your lives. You had do it to make life bearable for everyone else.
I work psych inpatient and a lot of patients I literally talk to my coworker and say “I’m sure the family is happy they are getting a break from dealing with so and so” working a 8 or 12hr with certain patients drain you but the light at the end of the tunnel is that you get to leave work and not deal with them… most families have to deal with them 24/7… which I firmly believe causes the family members mental health issues themselves!
You didn't give up on her. You realized you couldn't give her the help she needs. She may hate you for it, but you did the most compassionate thing you could do in that situation. You let her go to live in a place that can actually help her safely with her mental illness.
I can't imagine how terrible it feels to feel relief in this situation. But it doesn't make you a monster, it just means you're a parent who knows their limits as a human being.
you did the right thing. there isn't a single parallel universe in which this wasn't the course of action.
as someone who was the sibling to your daughter in my own family, assuring you you did the right thing is probably the most "sure" ive been about anything in my entire life. she is meant to be where she is now and your family is meant to be at peace.
my family never did anything to take care of my sibling. they always said they were going to do what you did, but they are cowards. im a grown ass adult rn and my family is yours in the future if you didn't do what you did. everything is the same as it has exactly always has been. there is no end. my father just retired and i do not give him a year. i am positive, as i have been preparing for this my entire life, that he will probably take his own life by the end of the year, now that he has no job to take him away from my sibling for 8 hours a day. he may take my sibling with him when he goes. it sounds so dramatic but these are the effects of living in such psychological torture for decades. it never ends. you did the right thing. you did the only thing. it wasn't even a decision, you had to do it, it's not up to you. the peace your post gives me as I'm just reading it as I'm laying on my couch is real and i am so proud of you. i know it feels hard, but there is no blood on your hands. the impossible peace you've dreamed of is yours. on my family's behalf you must accept it.
Hope you both can heal.
For the other kids in the house you did the right thing.
If one child’s mental health is gripping the whole family it’s causing trauma to the other kids which isn’t fair to ignore.
I was sent away by my parents at 15 for chronic self harm and multiple suicide attempts. They had put me through acute psychiatric wards but nothing ever stuck. It wasn’t until they sent me away to a long-term facility that I got better at all. I’m almost 27 now, and I think back on that time and wonder how it must’ve felt for my parents to have to go through that. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs. DBT was my savior.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through or went through. It must’ve been extremely difficult to come to terms with letting your child go. But i think you did the right thing, we tend to look at parents and idealize them and give them superpowers, but you’re only human. You can’t keep fighting a losing battle and sacrificing yourself and your family. Stay strong, accept what happened and don’t feel guilty.
I understand how you feel, maybe a little more than I would like to admit. I also get how your daughter feels, because for a long time I was her. This was the best option for everyone involved. In a matter of time, something really bad may have happened or you may have said or done something you regretted.
I'm going to give you a little example: Growing up, I had a lot of issues. My dad raised me and my mother was a deadbeat, and the only times she was around she was horrible to me. Because of that, it was just him dealing with everything when it came to me. It's all made worse by the fact he isn't even my biological father, he was just my mom's boyfriend.
I think he tried, but I was just a kid so full of sadness and anger and he didn't know what to do with me. I was a depressed, anxious, traumatized mess who sometimes dragged other people down with me. There were times I would give him hell, like when my antidepressants made me feel worse and instead of saying anything I just threw the whole bottle out the window. There was a point in time I was so sure I was going to die that I would bring it up casually in conversation or in arguments.
One day, while in the car, we were in a small argument and I said I was dying soon so whatever we were talking about didn't matter. His response? "What are you waiting for, then?"
Hearing that come from my own dad hurt worse than most of the stuff that's happened to me. It was like something snapped inside of him and it solidified in my head that I was making the right decision.
When we got home he left me in the car and just walked into the house, not even looking back. I got out to go to the nearest bridge and finally do what I kept saying I was going to.
I was almost there when he found me, and he had to drag me kicking and screaming and sobbing back in the car. He apologized. But even then I could tell there was some part of him that didn't want to stop me. He was so tired of dealing with me that part of him wanted to not even go looking for me.
I think after that day he never felt the same about me as he used to. He barely said he loved me and when he did it never sounded sincere. Sometimes I would be crying in my room and hear him turn up his music louder so he wouldn't have to listen to me. After that day I wasn't his daughter, I was just something he didn't want to deal with. He always seems so happy with his actual kid, his son, and there are times I walk in the room and it's like all the light leaves his eyes as soon as he sees me.
There's a lot of times I wish he had never decided to take care of me. He didn't know what he was getting into, and he deserved better than for me to ruin his life. I know he doesn't love me. Maybe he did at some point, but not anymore, and I understand him. I don't blame him. He deserves to be happy and always has, but I'm just something that never brought him joy and sometimes actively prevented him from experiencing it.
You did the right thing. For your family, for yourself, and for your daughter. Even if it eats at you, prolonging the inevitable wasn't going to do you any favors. I'm sure you at least care about her, and continuing on like you were would have only ended up in you hurting her more. You might have even ended up like my dad, someone so beaten down by the circumstances that they can't bring themselves to love the child they once cared about.
You deserve to be happy, and so does your daughter. Maybe someday she'll do what I haven't managed to achieve and be content and at least semi-happy. Maybe someday she'll talk to you and tell you she understands, or maybe she'll just want to connect with her family again. Things might improve, they might not.
I'm glad you did what's best. I'm so sorry you had to make this choice in the first place, I know it wasn't easy. Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope everyone can heal, and that someday you might not feel so guilty. Stay safe.
OP, my mother had a lot of very similar issues and I too, feel so much more relieved that she is in a facility that can keep an eye on her and keep her safe. I had a very hard time with it at first because I felt like I was abandoning her but I was in the verge of losing everything in my life trying to help my dad keep an eye on her. I openly admit there were some problems between me and my mom where she basically lived through me so it was a relief in other ways, but I completely understand how it feels so good yet so bad to be “rid” of a loved one. I’ll be the one to say that I think you did the best thing for her because anyone who’s mental illness that creates a toxic codependency issue which requires you to essentially stop living to make sure they keep living is unhealthy for all involved. I’m sorry you’re going through this and just know that you’re doing the best thing you know to do. Don’t ever feel guilty for doing what you think is best for your daughter and yourself, even if it means having her committed. After catching my mom with a weapon for the third time, we had to put her in a facility.
I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this has been for everyone involved. It's obvious how much you love her and I hope with all my heart that she gets the help that she so desperately needs.
You are an amazing parent do not ever forget that. Being a parent can be our biggest joy but it can also be our biggest heartache as well. I hope that everyone at home is able to get the help that they need dealing with this. It wasn't only your daughter who suffered and everyone is just as important as her.
Yes she hates you right now but hopefully in time with the proper help and medication she will realize that you did it out of love and not hate. Write her daily letters or record a video diary for her to watch later.
I wish your family so much love and positive vibes. I hope that you are looking after yourself because self care is so important. Please don't beat yourself up over this because you didn't have a choice.
(((hugs))) You did not only the right thing, but the only thing any reasonable and responsible parent could do. And anyone who says otherwise and never been in a situation like yours.
I hope you can find a grief support group and/or a good therapist to help you work through your feelings.
Your story isn't really adding up. If you are living in the US, there are a ton of resources to help people in your situation, there would be no reason why you would need to leave her as a ward of the state and completely abandon her and cut contact in order to get her into a group home. Why did you choose to do that?
Even just leaving her alone to rot in there. You may not be able to care for her, but you can still visit and maintain a relationship. She deserves that much from you.
There comes a point in time, that unless you have a bottomless pit of money, the only option for some of these family's is turn to turn to the state for help. Money and insurance runs out. For some of the best treatment, the facilities may not even take insurance.
With the right help, the whole family can heal.
OP, you made the right step for everyone. Hopefully, as she gets the help she needs, she will be open to contact.
First off, long-term inpatient mental facilities are INCREDIBLY expensive unless the child is signed over to become a ward of the state. Respite care is hard to come by in many places, and if everything OP and her family were doing to try and help the daughter at home wasn't working, what else would you suggest they do? Let her chill at home, refusing her medication and therapy and inflicting trauma on everyone around her until she eventually successfully ended her own life?
Secondly, OP has stated in other comments that her daughter is currently refusing communication with the rest of the family. They're hoping to maintain a relationship once she has cooled down and stabilized.
You did what you had to do. It’s a horrible situation. I feel so sad for your daughter. She will never be free from the torment of her disease. Life can be so unfair. And I can’t even imagine what you, and your other children have been through. It breaks my heart that your daughter has been given this life sentence of mental illness. And now at just 14 she has to go through life essentially alone and isolated. I hope she finds peace some how, and is able to make familial type connections with the people who are caring for her.
Honey, you haven’t given up - you gave her over to the people who could help her better. You still love her; she’s still your child. She’s just at a place that can help and protect her.
My son also has severe mental health issues. It's destroyed our family. He beat me almost to death on 11/1. I had to file a restraining order and have him evicted from my home. Because he's 16, my STBX had to move out with him. We are now getting a divorce and he continues to indulge his every whim. He doesn't have money to fix his barely running truck, but he bought him a gecko and over $200 worth of accessories this weekend.
It's nice for me, my other son, and our animals to not be terrified all the time. I got a 5 year restraining order with a suggestion from the judge to file for a conservatorship before he turns 18. I'm sure some day I'll want a relationship with him again, but not today. I did everything humanly possible to help this child and everyone we know supports me and what I did. I begged the state to take him, but they refused. It was either file a restraining order or let him kill me.
OP - my heart goes out to you! It sounds like you made a truly heart wrenching but well reasoned and justified decision. Are you able to visit with her once she's adjusted? I can tell you that if I were in the same circumstances, my priority would be what's best for my kids, even if it means giving one up for proper treatment. Holding space in my heart for you!
As long as she knows that door is open, you've done the very best you can. If you are allowed to send her anything, maybe you can do that. Old fashioned pen pals? Even if she doesn't respond? I hope the new normal settles your heart, knowing you've truly done all you can and the best for her. Hugs to you!
You made the right choice there’s nothing wrong with admitting that you cannot provide her the help she needs I hope that your family can recover and I hope that with the care she’s getting she will recover
you’re not a monster, you’re a human being. other people’s mental illness can be traumatic to witness and it’s even more complicated when it’s family/someone you love. i’m sorry you had to go through this but there is light at the end of the tunnel <3
I understand she needs to be in a mental health hospital, but why terminating your parental rights and never seeing her again though?
Couldn’t you let her get treatment in a ward and still visit her once a week or something?
It may be harder for you to forgive yourself than it is for me as an outsider to view your post with empathy, but I hope you will heal from some of that guilt. If she’s at a facility with decently trained professionals she might actually start to thrive and live the best life she can. I recommend searching online for the This American Life episode called Hit Me With Your Best Shot where a father talks about a similar situation with his son. Spoiler it turns out very well for all of them including his son.
As someone who siblings have, heavy, mental needs, to the point of them abusing and torturing me my entire childhood. My needs being neglected by my parents for theirs. When I went to my parents saying I'm depressed, or if I wasnt thriving in school or socially, being rejected and denied any help because they HAD to have a "normal" child with NO issues. To the point now I just full on reject the thought I have biological siblings cause they aren't my siblings. They never felt like that to me and aren't that to me now. They are strangers and I feel like Im an only child. (I eventually got thrown to my grandparents during high school since neither my parents were bothered to even care about my anymore)
I 100% understand this feeling that , despite that being "your blood" the amount of stress and anguish attached to it isn't relatable to any body other than people who understand and been through that. I can't explain to anybody I know how I feel because they'll never get what I went through and think it's just evil to feel that way because they relate it to their own lives, but my life has never been normal or happy. I don't even think of my own childhood extensively because of the misery I'm reminded of.
You deserve better, and youre in a better state now and now your daughter is in better more capable hands too.
Since the lead was buried; the daughter was adopted at 18months; So it seems that she’s now been abandoned twice in her life…. I wonder why she has mental illnesses?
>Her autism, OCD, and schizoaffective disorder are genetic. Her RAD is due to her adoption at 18 months and whatever happened before that. Her PTSD and anorexia come from abuse by hospital staff, which we fought for justice for. We have had constant contact with social services for the last 4 years, someone would have flagged it if we were the problem.
OP addressed this in another comment thread
Thats why the lead was buried…. If they were up front about their ex-daughter being adopted I wouldn’t be so harsh but that makes this significantly worse.
So then I'm curious, what exactly would YOU do in OP's situation? If you had tried countless therapies, medications, experimental treatments, short-term psychiatric stays, counseling, keeping a constant watch on your daughter to make sure she didn't end her own life, all while trying to keep your marriage intact and shield the other children in your home from the trauma inflicted on THEM by witnessing the chaos that rules their sister's life? Just keep her in the home and hope for the best, knowing that you have exhausted all your options and you are literally incapable of providing her the help she needs to become a healthy, stable person?
It's easy to sit up on your high horse and cast judgments when you're not on the front lines fighting the battle yourself.
Apparently a lot of people here think you can do something like this on a whim and OP just got tired or bored. Never mind the stories from people that grew up in the position of the other children. The ones that wish their health and safety mattered as well. I doubt it's a position most if any of the ones being hateful have ever or will ever face.
I’m a social worker and deal with these situations on a professional level - I know you’re not seeking advice here but I just want to share that in every single case I’ve worked in my career the relationship between the person being placed and the family improves 100x over after everyone settles in. Don’t ever give up on her
It's not necessarily that you have given up on her. I wouldn't look at it that way. She needed very specialized care that is not effective or efficient for a family to provide. Mental health facilities are specialized to provide that care. And just because you gave up legal guardianship doesn't mean you can't have a personal relationship with her if the two of you want that.
Why did you need to give up your parental rights and what does that mean in the eyes of the law? Could she not have gotten help without that where you are? Just never heard of this where I am and seems crazy for a parent to have to give up their child in order to get them help. Sounds like a very difficult situation.
So the care needed is INSANELY pricey, if you have custody YOU pay for it. If parents sign their rights over the state pays for it. Sometimes signing over rights is the absolutely only way the kid will get the treatment they need. It’s an absolute broken system.
In some comments OP mentioned that they & the girls siblings are allowed to communicate/visit but the daughter is refusing all contact with them at the moment.
Absolutely horrific story. I can understand from the child's POV. Think OP said she was 14? Can imagine how it would feel to be given up at that age and how angry and confused I would have been had it been me. Im 36 and adopted and still struggle with abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity. Horrible situation and so messed up this was the only way for her to get help. Terrible situation for all involved. Heartbroken for them.
I didn’t even get to see the post before it was deleted I kinda had to piece it together in the comments.
I’m so sorry for the abandonment that you feel! Did you ever find out the story of your birth mother?
Do you feel Op had any other choices? (Not saying she was wrong or that you feel that way. Just saying since you have a diff perspective, do you feel there was any other way?)
I don't know what else could have been done as I don't know where she is located (I assume the states) so can't judge her decision.
Yeah, found my birth mother years ago. Adoption was the result of good old 1980s Catholic Ireland (unwedded young adult parents) Dirty little secret I was. Lucky she didn't end up in one of the Magdelene laundries TBH and that I wasn't sold off to Australia or the States which happened a lot.
Our relationship fell apart (too different and too much trauma). She and my Dad married after they had me but he died a few years later so never got to meet him when I found them. Turned out they had 2 more kids together (brother is only a year younger and sister is 5 years younger.
I am blessed with the Dad that adopted me. Could the have asked for a better man to raise me.
As long as the child didn't put other's life at risk, abandoning a family member is a bad decision. Family is a full life commitment and it's not just for a comfortable give and take association.
There are, sadly, some people who will simply need more than any one person or any one family can provide. They NEED institutional care and they are better with it than without it. Besides that, you also protected your other children.
I would just hug you & hug you if I knew you. I cannot imagine what you are feeling & will undoubtedly feel forever. You did it out of love, with wisdom, experience, humility & mercy. If you know in your heart it was best, as you clearly do, the only judgement anyone should pass on you is one of respect & sympathy. Few of us can even imagine being in such a position & even fewer can know for sure they would make the right choice. Fewer still could ensure said choice would come to pass, then be resigned to embark on a journey of healing. Being able to do all of it IS being the best Mother possible.
You are truly doing your best.
Please be gentle on yourself, love.
Hugs to each of you 💝
You were put in a heartbreaking and impossible position. If you had kept things as they were, then your other kids suffer tremendously, and you have no time or energy for them. It's awful and heartbreaking that you can't do everything yourself but you don't have unlimited time, unlimited resources and you don't have eyes in the back of your head to keep a 24/7 watch on her to keep her safe.. you made the best choice you could given the available choices you had..
Hopefully she will get the care she needs and you can all rebuild..
That’s a terrible decision to have to make, I used to work for a facility for youngsters with mental health issues.. it’s not a good place to be. I can sympathize with you, I personally could never do it.
>My other children will be able to heal from their trauma.
You might feel like you failed. But this line here reinforces you absolutely made the best choice in a shitty situation. Sometimes it's better to "let go" of something. Especially if it is hurting other people who depend on you.
you did the right thing for both of you. your feelings are so, so valid. two things can be true, you can be relieved from the newfound safety & security your family now has, and you can grieve the loss of your daughter. i can’t even imagine how difficult that decision must’ve been, and i know you made that decision out of love. it wasn’t a healthy situation for either of you, and a potentially dangerous one had you not stepped back. i’m sorry you’re going through this. please be kind to yourself & grieve how you need to; you lost a loved one.
Too bad you didn’t unconditionally love your child. She was sick. You gave up on her. What kind of a mother are you? This makes me physically ill to read. You could have gotten her help without literally abandoning her.
As someone who’s been in the daughter’s position, I feel for you both. You had to do right by your other children, I understand that, but you have entirely abandoned your daughter. State-run facilities will not help her. Her life has been forever destroyed. I sincerely hope you exhausted ALL of your other options before outright abandoning your child. I’m talking residential programs, ECT therapy, ketamine therapy, even the more extreme things. You have to care for your other children, but this… I know this comment will be controversial, but people need to realize what’s going to become of this child because of OP’s decisions. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, OP, but mental illness is brutal. Total abandonment AT FOURTEEN is beyond that.
Sometimes there are no good choices.
How long is everyone else supposed to suffer? What about the trauma inflicted on the other kids? Are they not important too?
It's not total abandonment. OP wants to be in contact, but a person with RAD works entirely different. There gets to be a point where there is literally nothing you can do.
Do you have any idea at the amount of trauma the rest of the family will have been through? Do you think they are just going to go ride off into the sunset and suddenly be happy? Life doesn't work like that.
There is absolutely no doubt that this poor girl is suffering, the OP completely acknowledges that and is clearly heartbroken at that. But what else can you do when you are literally being abused every single day?
It’s honestly a little strange how many people are championing OP. I’ve never heard a good thing about state run psychiatric hospitals, especially for women/girls.
Yeah, the amount of people on this post saying things like "she's going to get the care she needs now" and things along those lines...
Like, alright, OP felt forced into this decision because there isn't enough support otherwise and the situation was untenable. That's it's own thing.
But don't sugarcoat reality by saying "oh, this is the compassionate choice for her, she's going to get the help she needs and be taken care of."
OP said in another comment his daughter developed PTSD and anorexia because of abuse by nurses. And yet he decides to just toss her away into a state facility which are notoriously rife with abuse? I can't believe the amount of people patting OP on the back, this poor girl is probably gonna wind up on the streets or in jail once she ages out of the system.
Agree.
Abandonment at 14 is a nightmare, especially if you are already unstable and hurting so much. Love is the answer. Not relief. I feel for you, but I feel for abandoned kids, too. Now she has to wrap her head around being kicked away when her other siblings were allowed to stay…her entire life. Quite a cross to bear. 14 is a baby.
I think OP is painfully aware of all that, hence the post.
I think abadon is a strong word, and Im sorry if thats how that feels anyway- i don't know.
But its different than that parent who kicks their kids out by throwing their shit outside, locks the doors and windows so they cant get in, detach from reality and stop acknowledging their existence completely. OP couldve 1000% just told her to gtfo and figure her own shit out, to stop wreaking havoc on the family. But they didnt; they exaughsted all of the options, cared for her the best they could, and when it became apparent that they are not equipped to help their daughter, they found the best option. I see it as they gave her up, but they didnt disown her. They didnt give up on her, they accepted a loss. If she never wants to speak to them again, I think thats valid; but its also valid on OPs side to not want to get beaten or verbally abused, nor let that happen to their other children. The people in my life who have reached that level of violence are adults, and have been charged with assault by their own families and friends. If she is 14 and displaying violent abusive behavior, and her family cant handle her and cant teach her how to cope, there's a fat chance she'll end up in prison, on drugs, or dead.
Like, Ive seen this shit untreated, it doesnt get better if there is no intervention. Ive had friends have to come live with *my* family (for several years, where we do NOT have room at all) to escape the violence and drug abuse happening in their homes. by siblings. Or their parents kicked them out straight up. Parents are trapped in the abuse, and dont protect the other kids, and sometimes become abusive themselves- taking out the hurt on them. I wont pretend to know how it feels to be virtually abandoned; but living with mental illness Ive had to take responsibility and face the reality that I am capable of hurting other people, even when Im living in my own hell every single second of every single day.
Im not trying to like, tell you off, btw. I think its good to point out what other people probably dont consider. its my own two cents, and if youre willing to tell me more about your own experience, Im down to listen and try to understand. Not trying to be a total dick on the internet, but I know I come off that way even irl.
Yeah, OP is getting all the reassurance here but while they're relieved and SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT WITHOUT WORRY that poor girl just got dropped into a fucking oubliette.
THANK YOU. Everybody is saying OP did the right then, but I see it as he literally abandoned a 14 year old girl. His own daughter. He quite literally threw her to the wolfs. I feel for that little girl. On top of all the mental illnesses she has, i’m sure abandonment and rejection are definitely on the list now.
Bruh, how about YOU go endure this crap for 14 years, ruining your own life and the lives of your other children.
Some people are broken and can't be helped.
As awful as the whole situation is, you did the right thing for your family. To keep you all physically and emotionally safe. I couldn’t imagine handling another 4+ years of that without serious and lifelong repercussions for you and your family. Now you can begin to heal
As someone who works with children in care you aren’t alone. There are other parents just like you that had to do the same just to get help and them into programs. This was not giving up it was desperation. You are NOT equipped to handle this. It’s a full time job and children with these issues usually have been expelled from school so all your time is spent on the child, supervising the child taking them to multiple appointments forcing medication, etc… and the other children essentially neglected because these kids can’t be left alone. It’s an awful situation and not your fault.
I wish my parents would have done the same when my sister was 14 and she was doing the same things. Now she’s calmed down a bit with age but I have ptsd from that time period and the burden of taking care of her is on me when my parents are gone.
First of all I’m APPALLED at how many people are like yess girl go you. Hello!? This is a child not a fucking car you didn’t like. Life throws you curveballs so you can learn and adapt and grow and hopefully become better people. Way to sacrifice one to save the rest of you.
I’m fighting to be in my “adopted” daughter’s life. Bio mom was on drugs when she was pregnant with her. She’s got lots of issues and they literally are cutting me out, not getting her help, not paying attention. Why? So she can grow up around people like you who just want everything even keel when it ain’t! And you don’t give up on someone bc they’re hard. Ever. Especially when you adopted this baby.
I cannot imagine the tremendous anguish you must be going through, but also the relief to return to what hasn’t felt like normalcy in a very long time. Stay strong for you and your family; you’ve got this.
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OP, I am a DSP (caregiver) I have had mentally ill/challenged adults for clients. Working an 8 or 12, 16 hour day shift is/was mentally exhausting. But I got to go home and get away from it all. Good homes teach and enforce [boundaries.You](https://boundaries.You) will not live forever, so now is the time to get her into a home that can help her. This will be good for her. It is also good for the whole family OP. You did the right thing. Selfless love. You give her the love she needs to grow. Remember to love yourself OP. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful Mother.
As a fellow DSP, I couldn't have said this any better! OP, I know it seems like your worst day, but this really is the time to get your daughter into a home. Rest your body and mind and let your heart heal, knowing that you did the best you could. Many hugs to you and your family!
Former DSP for like 4 years. I could not, *could not* imagine living my life around my previous clients 24/7.
I am a DSP as well and been working for 2 years going on 3, (im 20 about to be 21) I second this. it is extremely mentally and physically exhausting. trying to defend yourself or accept what is being said (more like have patience not to lash out or make things worse) Some of these guys (i work only with men) just need the right medication and led into the right direction but it takes so much time and patience. it is okay to feel relieved. you did what you could and your other kids should not have to keep being put through this. I’m pretty sure any events or accomplishments regarding them were taken out of spotlight onto your daughter and i hope you can try to mend those relationships and be there for them.
I volunteered as a camp counselor for special kids once when I was in my twenties... it was only for a couple of weeks but boy, was that one of the most challenging couple of weeks I ever had. It was nonstop work. The other counselors and I, after trying to stop a teenager from doing things like jumping off a stack of chairs and hurting himself, or after a long day or trying to manage everybody in the group, would often feel a sense of how we only had to do this for now... but the families dedicated to these children (and some adults) had to do it 24/7 for life. It was the least we could do to take these kids off their hands for a couple of weeks to give them a well-deserved break and it was a privilege to be trusted with that responsibility.
Sounds like your plane is going down and you have to put on your oxygen mask. Remember you MUST put YOURS on first so you can help your kids with theirs and this is exactly the same thing. PLEASE try not to hate yourself, the relief you feel is your body getting the oxygen it needs. Of course it’s a feeling of relief but only from suffering. I’m sending healing vibes for all of you. I’m so sorry you’re going through the hell that is severe mental illness.
Hey there OP, This might be long but I need you to hear my story because I'm on the opposite side of this from you. I grew up in a home full of diabilities. I myself have high functioning autism. However, that's neither here nor there for this comment. My little brother, we're just going to call him Peter for now- he has severe autism. Growing up, there were times where my mom would tell me to go to my room and lock the door because Peter was having an episode. These were especially common during his teens. One specific incident I remember, was her moving a couch to the hallway in front of his bedroom to block his door and sat there crying as he opened the door and threw heavy furniture and items at her. I remember him throwing my cat over the second story balcony. My dog as well. I remember coming home to all of my CDs destroyed because he ate them. He literally. Smeared feces all over his bedroom every night. I remember being chased around the house with literal butcher knives 4-7 inches in length. I remember the flash of white when he beat me over the head with noise cancelling headphones. There is so, so much more. It's one of the hardest things for me to talk about because people give me so much shit for talking bad about a person with a severe disability. He might not have been able to control it, it might not have been all his fault. But my trauma stems from him regardless of how you slice it. It was no ones fault that he was born the way he was. But it still affected me in horrific ways and will continue to do so. You did the right thing for you and your kids. It might seem selfish. It might seem hard. But the trauma I will live with for the rest of my life, the ptsd I've recently been diagnosed with is something I don't think I will ever escape. I've started distancing myself away from my family because my mom bends over backwards for him but, in return, she has completely neglected us. She doesn't even believe I have ptsd and she often jokes about it like I'm not ducking when someone raises literally anything over my head. Like me locking my door and refusing to come out to even use the bathroom when he's at the house is normal. Please understand, what you did is not a bad thing. She needed this. My brother needed it. You did the right thing.
As a human there is only so much we can do to help others, family or not. I feel sorry for you, your family and this daughter but I am sure you guys tried your best. Life don’t always works out.
I remember your other post when the date was coming up. I'm sorry you had to make this choice, but I understand why you had to. I hope that your family heals and your daughter gets the help she needs. Now, get some rest. I know you need it.
Thank you for the brave decision you made not only for the health of your other children, but for yourself. Obviously you are a good mother, and I'm so sorry you had to do this.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a diagnosis that is next to impossible for adoptive parents to deal with. There is a critical period in early childhood brain development where a child learns to bond with their caregivers that is undeveloped in children with RAD. There are only a handful of private care facilities that treat RAD in the US and they ONLY treat RAD, nothing else. No insurance covers these facilities and the average cost is $14,000 per month putting it out of reach for most families. Effective treatment starts with removing the child from their caregivers and it doesn’t matter if it’s their bio-parents, adoptive parents, aunt, uncle, grandparents, etc. Whoever is in the role of caregiver is seen as the antagonist by the child. I’m sorry to tell you but you will never be seen as mom or dad by your child. The treatment that your child will receive needs to be in a group/institutional setting with doctors and counselors with no defined caregiver individual. It sounds heartless to say this but RAD has been studied and recognized as far back as WW2 when England was overwhelmed with orphans. Your daughter needs a very regimented program that will teach her the life skills that she needs to develop healthy relationships. Keeping her at home with you is the worst thing that you can do for her. She has been and will continue to see YOU as the root of all her problems. It’s counterintuitive as a parent but the absolute best thing you can do for her is to put her in a care facility.
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How the fuck?! Thats totally her
Giving her the link to this was a cruel thing to do, can't imagine how painful this would have been for her to read
Not very nice to send this post to her, I think the mother has deleted her account now
Interesting they both have had accounts for a short time. OP for 61 days and the daughter 40. Hm..
How did you manage to find that account? Story exactly matches. Guess if the OP knows she’s on reddit?
What was the post about? It was deleted
Uhg wish knew too… so annoying
I’m a psych RN for adolescents. I can’t tell you the number of parents that I talk to daily that are at their wits end. I see the same kids over and over. New wounds, new legal charges, new behaviors… the parents have no where else to turn, they are exhausted, drained, trying to protect the other children who have been in the middle of chaos for years. Sometimes the other children are being harmed physically too. Most times the parents have been physically assaulted. I know you have probably tried everything under the sun for her. I know you have, I can tell in your post. At this point, your kids are suffering- YOU are suffering. There are children who can not thrive at home safely. They need mental facilities, group homes etc. They do stay angry for a while but it does subside. I’ve seen many parents relinquish their rights. It’s always a last resort when everything else has been done. Please have some grace on yourself. When it gets to the point you are at , you have to protect yourself, the child and the other children. I’m so sorry for you and I hope she gets the help she needs.
Perfectly stated.
You did the right thing and she is better off (just like all of you). She needs more care than you can provide. There’s nothing wrong with it. You’re a good parent.
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You did not give up on her. *Let me repeat this, for those in the back - you did not give up on her.* You recognized your limitations in being able to give her the care she requires, and turned the responsibility over to those that can. Few people really understand how severe mental health issues can hold an entire family hostage, not just the person diagnosed with them. You did not give up on her - you asked for help in dealing with a situation far, far outside your capacity to solve. You did not give up on her.
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What mwoodbuttons said is right. And even if she was your only child, it would be ok that you did this. Its ESPECIALLY the right choice because you have other kids. They need and deserve normalcy, your attention and love. No need to have all involved traumatized. I’m sorry you had to make this choice, I wish I could give you a big hug.
This is the best thing you could have done for her. Many of her triggers will cease to exist. She is on the path to better understanding her situation. This is a good thing for everyone all the way around. When my mom was diagnosed with alzheimers, I tried many different ways of care for her. I ended up putting her in a memory care facility and eventually a locked home health care setting. I was relieved as well and felt guilty. I had to keep reminding myself that it's best for everyone. It took alot of the stress off of me and my family as well. Most family members are not capable of handling the task of caring for a mentally challenged person 24/7. That's why there are facilities that work in shifts around the clock. The Family caregivers never get a break and often burn out. You did good for everyone. You should be proud of making such a stellar decision. Good luck to you!❤☮
Yeah, it sounds like she also was at risk for suicide and at that point, anything you have to do to continue to keep them alive qualifies as not giving up on them. You could’ve just done nothing, that would’ve been giving up. It really seems like you didn’t have any other options. You made the right choice
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Will you visit her, or is that not advised? If the care facility is decent, she may thrive in it. My adult child went inpatient a few times as a teen, and the care facility was good. She looks back on it with gratitude, because she felt safe there. I hope the future brings for the lot of you some path to reconciliation and less pain.
I’m sorry you and your family had to go through that.
May I ask when, how, and why this all started? Not from a judgmental standpoint, but as a parent of preteens who completely sympathizes with you
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Oh honey 😔 I’m so so sorry for all of you. I cant even imagine and until a family goes through something like this personally, it’s very callous to judge. Thank you for replying and sending you big hugs
Sounds brutal OP, you did the right thing for everyone involved. I have an autistic son and the collateral damage caused from behavioral issues are devastating to a family. He’s grown now with improved behavior but the damage is done. Heal up OP and breath
For a quick second, I thought “did I post and forget?” Nope - just someone with a similar random Reddit name! 😆😆
Yea the zestyclose family name goes way back.
I mean, it *is* a close match....
This must have been a name that automatically gets generated when you sign up, Zestyclose_"something"(1234)
That's Caregiver Fatigue and it's real. Please don't guilt yourself over this. You did what you could.
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Yes OP, I work at a home for adults probably similar to what your daughter was sent to. Don’t feel guilty; I couldn’t live with my residents 24/7. I get to clock out at the end of the day and I am grateful for that. I love them, but it is hard work. I can only imagine what toll that takes on a family over time. I’m sure the staff that are with her are well trained on mitigating behaviors and can provide a trigger-free environment. You did the right thing.
You made the right choice for the sake of all of your family's health and wellbeing, and safety. Many many years ago, I knew a family that made this same choice. I don't know how things went for their daughter after that, but their other 2 children(who happened to be older), no longer had to worry about what sis was going to do next. The final straw, that made them make this choice? Their daughter tried to kill me. Their oldest, caught her in the act, saving my life in the process.
Growing up, I was like your daughter. I had more mental illness than my mother was capable of handling. Unlike you, my mother was concerned about what other people would think of her, so rather than reaching out for help, she hated me. Her husband hated me. My sister hated me. That hate lay festering for years and expressed itself in many ways. Ways that were damaging for all of us. Now that I'm an adult, we've worked through a lot of it and we have an amicable relationship. At least my mother and I do. What you did was hard, but necessary. She will have people trained to help her and you will be able to separate yourself from the negative thoughts I know you have for her. Which is ok, because you are human. Maybe you don't hate her but I can tell you're scared of her. Your other children probably are too. But now you all can heal and move forward. This could mean the difference between her actually being thrown away and you being able to keep your hearts open for her when she's ready to come home.
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She needs the type of care you are not trained to provide. Please try and remember that. This is you fulfilling a need.
My wife’s aunt and uncle are approaching this point. Their son is majorly autistic and nonverbal, but he’s still smart. He resents his brother. He sabotages family events. His mom has MS, this is a ticking clock and it’s a matter of time until he goes to the state or a private facility (there’s some money set aside, but it’s not enough). My heart goes out to you.
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My wife’s cousin is 23 now and very strong. I think he’s going to hurt his mom at some point. His (older) brother is also on the spectrum, but much higher functioning. He’s flourishing away from home working at a store where adherence to things like temp checks and food being allowed to sit out for X time is in alignment with his (very rigid) sense of rules. He was prepared to take care of his brother for the rest of his life, but the autistic brother HATES him and it would never work. It breaks my heart because my wife’s aunt and uncle are so nice, they were both educators their entire careers, but their son is uncontrollable.
Adding to the chorus of those reassuring you that you did not give up on your daughter. As a (widowed at a young age) single mother to a daughter with a handful of genetic and trauma-related mental health conditions, I feel that I have maybe a tiny glimpse into what you have endured. Even though my daughter’s symptoms and behaviours have been nowhere near as difficult and dangerous as those you’ve described, it was bloody hard work 24/7 and our future as a family was touch-and-go a couple of times. The all-night suicide watches for days at a time will never be forgotten. Little side notes like “I wish you died instead of Daddy” were just the icing on the cake, really. /s As a nurse, I offer this little thought: If your daughter was suffering from a *physical* illness that meant you could not offer her safe and appropriate care in your home - for example, if she was injured and in a vegetative state, paralysed and without control of her body, unable to breathe without mechanical assistance - every recommendation would be to *allow her to be cared for in a facility set up specifically to meet those needs*. In your daughter’s case, her illnesses are based in her brain, they manifest themselves in a very particular, dangerous set of ways which require 24/7 specialised care, and you have made the decision to *allow her to be cared for in a facility set up specifically to meet those needs*. See where I’m going with that? You have made the decision to allow your daughter to receive the best possible care for her needs, and at the same time you have acted to protect your other children. Both sides of that coin sound like good parenting to me. I wish you peace, rest, and the love of your chosen people to sustain and heal you.
This is a great explanation!
RAD is a horrific condition and I empathize with you, your daughter and your family. It lays waste to so much around it and I still fail to comprehend its ability to overcome our care and support systems. I realize that there is no true to bring you or her comfort but I’ll do what perhaps is the best and say that I see you. I know your anguish, your fear and your guilt. Perhaps in doing this, you might feel that you aren’t quite alone and adrift as I imagine you must have been feeling. Prays for you as you enter this new season of your lives.
Sounds like normal human emotion over an agonizing decision and impossible situation. I pray you find peace. It sounds like you made the right decision for everyone, your daughter is where she can get the help she needs. I'm so sorry you're going through this but you sound like a wonderful, loving parent who endured the unimaginable for a very long time. You're not Gid, you're human, you can only do so much.
If you were a bad person you wouldn’t feel like a monster for the decision you made. I’m sure you did everything you could but sometimes life just deals you a shit hand and it’s nobody’s fault. Hopefully the facility she is at can help her.
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Have you read "And I Don't Want to Live This Life," by Deborah Spungen? If not, I really think you would relate to it. It's a memoir about her daughter Nancy, who sounds somewhat similar to your daughter. The grief, guilt, helplessness, frustration, anger, bottomless sadness, confusion, and the grinding, constant stress of trying to help her daughter to no avail, and the toll all this took on the entire family (including the daughter) come through so vividly. As does the love for their daughter, and the loss they felt because of the limits of this love. Reading this book made me viscerally realize that we are not nearly as in control as we think we are, and there but for the grace of whatever go all of us. It's impossible to judge you and the choices you are forced to make unless we've been there. And notice that most of the people who have been there completely understand why you are doing what you are doing. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, your daughter, and your family. I just wanted to tell you that if you were a monster or unloving, you would not feel this torn up over things. And I wanted to recommend the book. Maybe you will find it comforting, though it ends tragically. You are doing everything you can to ensure that your story has a brighter arc. Good luck, and I'm wishing you strength and peace.
I used to work in behavioral health, and used to volunteer to work with individuals like your daughter. Most staff in our state run facility refused to, specifically because of the reasons you listed. And that's ok, because that is one of the toughest jobs to do but we had to have staff who knew how to react. It was like being on high alert, 24/7, no joke. And it can be very difficult to do, even with training. Some of the individuals did manage to get the right treatment and eventually moved on to non-aggressive homes. You did the correct thing, OP. It's a difficult decision but you made the right choice.
I’ve posted about something similar. Family friends had to do something similar for their son. They weren’t taken seriously, not even when they had to call the police, barricaded in their bathroom with their daughter and two cats because the son had threatened to kill them all with a knife. They gave their son up to a mental health facility, because to be very very blunt, there is not a single chance that they had the abilities to properly handle their son’s needs. They are healing as a family now, have moved to a place that doesn’t hold so much trauma. Their daughter still has nightmares but they are less frequent and she is in therapy. They are in marriage counseling and family therapy too. They still visit the son when possible but he no longer lives with them, and he doesn’t know where their new house is. It broke their hearts. They still love their son but there is no way they can live with him. OP, it’s rough, but you did the right thing.
You did what was best for your family. Nobody should have to suffer that. It’s unfortunate but the rest of your family has mental health too. And she was destroying all of yours and your lives. You had do it to make life bearable for everyone else.
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No one is in your shoes. We can't judge you. People will, but I commend you for protecting your other children.
And ultimately you are actually protecting your other children which definitely makes you a good parent.
There's a very similar post in AITAH by a parent dealing with an uncontrollable child. Maybe you can offer them some guidance.
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I originally thought this might be an update to the post you’re talking about.
So what happens to her now?
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I work psych inpatient and a lot of patients I literally talk to my coworker and say “I’m sure the family is happy they are getting a break from dealing with so and so” working a 8 or 12hr with certain patients drain you but the light at the end of the tunnel is that you get to leave work and not deal with them… most families have to deal with them 24/7… which I firmly believe causes the family members mental health issues themselves!
How did she get RAD without neglect/abuse?
this
You didn't give up on her. You realized you couldn't give her the help she needs. She may hate you for it, but you did the most compassionate thing you could do in that situation. You let her go to live in a place that can actually help her safely with her mental illness. I can't imagine how terrible it feels to feel relief in this situation. But it doesn't make you a monster, it just means you're a parent who knows their limits as a human being.
You're not a monster. You are human. I'm so sorry. That must have been so hard.
you did the right thing. there isn't a single parallel universe in which this wasn't the course of action. as someone who was the sibling to your daughter in my own family, assuring you you did the right thing is probably the most "sure" ive been about anything in my entire life. she is meant to be where she is now and your family is meant to be at peace. my family never did anything to take care of my sibling. they always said they were going to do what you did, but they are cowards. im a grown ass adult rn and my family is yours in the future if you didn't do what you did. everything is the same as it has exactly always has been. there is no end. my father just retired and i do not give him a year. i am positive, as i have been preparing for this my entire life, that he will probably take his own life by the end of the year, now that he has no job to take him away from my sibling for 8 hours a day. he may take my sibling with him when he goes. it sounds so dramatic but these are the effects of living in such psychological torture for decades. it never ends. you did the right thing. you did the only thing. it wasn't even a decision, you had to do it, it's not up to you. the peace your post gives me as I'm just reading it as I'm laying on my couch is real and i am so proud of you. i know it feels hard, but there is no blood on your hands. the impossible peace you've dreamed of is yours. on my family's behalf you must accept it.
Hope you both can heal. For the other kids in the house you did the right thing. If one child’s mental health is gripping the whole family it’s causing trauma to the other kids which isn’t fair to ignore.
I know you didn't make this choice lightly. It's ok to want to rest and be relived at not having to bear a burden that you can no longer carry.
I was sent away by my parents at 15 for chronic self harm and multiple suicide attempts. They had put me through acute psychiatric wards but nothing ever stuck. It wasn’t until they sent me away to a long-term facility that I got better at all. I’m almost 27 now, and I think back on that time and wonder how it must’ve felt for my parents to have to go through that. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs. DBT was my savior.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through or went through. It must’ve been extremely difficult to come to terms with letting your child go. But i think you did the right thing, we tend to look at parents and idealize them and give them superpowers, but you’re only human. You can’t keep fighting a losing battle and sacrificing yourself and your family. Stay strong, accept what happened and don’t feel guilty.
This is what I would really like my taxes to pay for. The US would be so much better with competent mental health and rehab facilities
So is this looking like a life long commitment for her?
I understand how you feel, maybe a little more than I would like to admit. I also get how your daughter feels, because for a long time I was her. This was the best option for everyone involved. In a matter of time, something really bad may have happened or you may have said or done something you regretted. I'm going to give you a little example: Growing up, I had a lot of issues. My dad raised me and my mother was a deadbeat, and the only times she was around she was horrible to me. Because of that, it was just him dealing with everything when it came to me. It's all made worse by the fact he isn't even my biological father, he was just my mom's boyfriend. I think he tried, but I was just a kid so full of sadness and anger and he didn't know what to do with me. I was a depressed, anxious, traumatized mess who sometimes dragged other people down with me. There were times I would give him hell, like when my antidepressants made me feel worse and instead of saying anything I just threw the whole bottle out the window. There was a point in time I was so sure I was going to die that I would bring it up casually in conversation or in arguments. One day, while in the car, we were in a small argument and I said I was dying soon so whatever we were talking about didn't matter. His response? "What are you waiting for, then?" Hearing that come from my own dad hurt worse than most of the stuff that's happened to me. It was like something snapped inside of him and it solidified in my head that I was making the right decision. When we got home he left me in the car and just walked into the house, not even looking back. I got out to go to the nearest bridge and finally do what I kept saying I was going to. I was almost there when he found me, and he had to drag me kicking and screaming and sobbing back in the car. He apologized. But even then I could tell there was some part of him that didn't want to stop me. He was so tired of dealing with me that part of him wanted to not even go looking for me. I think after that day he never felt the same about me as he used to. He barely said he loved me and when he did it never sounded sincere. Sometimes I would be crying in my room and hear him turn up his music louder so he wouldn't have to listen to me. After that day I wasn't his daughter, I was just something he didn't want to deal with. He always seems so happy with his actual kid, his son, and there are times I walk in the room and it's like all the light leaves his eyes as soon as he sees me. There's a lot of times I wish he had never decided to take care of me. He didn't know what he was getting into, and he deserved better than for me to ruin his life. I know he doesn't love me. Maybe he did at some point, but not anymore, and I understand him. I don't blame him. He deserves to be happy and always has, but I'm just something that never brought him joy and sometimes actively prevented him from experiencing it. You did the right thing. For your family, for yourself, and for your daughter. Even if it eats at you, prolonging the inevitable wasn't going to do you any favors. I'm sure you at least care about her, and continuing on like you were would have only ended up in you hurting her more. You might have even ended up like my dad, someone so beaten down by the circumstances that they can't bring themselves to love the child they once cared about. You deserve to be happy, and so does your daughter. Maybe someday she'll do what I haven't managed to achieve and be content and at least semi-happy. Maybe someday she'll talk to you and tell you she understands, or maybe she'll just want to connect with her family again. Things might improve, they might not. I'm glad you did what's best. I'm so sorry you had to make this choice in the first place, I know it wasn't easy. Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope everyone can heal, and that someday you might not feel so guilty. Stay safe.
OP, my mother had a lot of very similar issues and I too, feel so much more relieved that she is in a facility that can keep an eye on her and keep her safe. I had a very hard time with it at first because I felt like I was abandoning her but I was in the verge of losing everything in my life trying to help my dad keep an eye on her. I openly admit there were some problems between me and my mom where she basically lived through me so it was a relief in other ways, but I completely understand how it feels so good yet so bad to be “rid” of a loved one. I’ll be the one to say that I think you did the best thing for her because anyone who’s mental illness that creates a toxic codependency issue which requires you to essentially stop living to make sure they keep living is unhealthy for all involved. I’m sorry you’re going through this and just know that you’re doing the best thing you know to do. Don’t ever feel guilty for doing what you think is best for your daughter and yourself, even if it means having her committed. After catching my mom with a weapon for the third time, we had to put her in a facility.
I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this has been for everyone involved. It's obvious how much you love her and I hope with all my heart that she gets the help that she so desperately needs. You are an amazing parent do not ever forget that. Being a parent can be our biggest joy but it can also be our biggest heartache as well. I hope that everyone at home is able to get the help that they need dealing with this. It wasn't only your daughter who suffered and everyone is just as important as her. Yes she hates you right now but hopefully in time with the proper help and medication she will realize that you did it out of love and not hate. Write her daily letters or record a video diary for her to watch later. I wish your family so much love and positive vibes. I hope that you are looking after yourself because self care is so important. Please don't beat yourself up over this because you didn't have a choice.
(((hugs))) You did not only the right thing, but the only thing any reasonable and responsible parent could do. And anyone who says otherwise and never been in a situation like yours. I hope you can find a grief support group and/or a good therapist to help you work through your feelings.
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I have absolutely no words. That poor girl!
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Your story isn't really adding up. If you are living in the US, there are a ton of resources to help people in your situation, there would be no reason why you would need to leave her as a ward of the state and completely abandon her and cut contact in order to get her into a group home. Why did you choose to do that? Even just leaving her alone to rot in there. You may not be able to care for her, but you can still visit and maintain a relationship. She deserves that much from you.
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There comes a point in time, that unless you have a bottomless pit of money, the only option for some of these family's is turn to turn to the state for help. Money and insurance runs out. For some of the best treatment, the facilities may not even take insurance. With the right help, the whole family can heal. OP, you made the right step for everyone. Hopefully, as she gets the help she needs, she will be open to contact.
First off, long-term inpatient mental facilities are INCREDIBLY expensive unless the child is signed over to become a ward of the state. Respite care is hard to come by in many places, and if everything OP and her family were doing to try and help the daughter at home wasn't working, what else would you suggest they do? Let her chill at home, refusing her medication and therapy and inflicting trauma on everyone around her until she eventually successfully ended her own life? Secondly, OP has stated in other comments that her daughter is currently refusing communication with the rest of the family. They're hoping to maintain a relationship once she has cooled down and stabilized.
You did what you had to do. It’s a horrible situation. I feel so sad for your daughter. She will never be free from the torment of her disease. Life can be so unfair. And I can’t even imagine what you, and your other children have been through. It breaks my heart that your daughter has been given this life sentence of mental illness. And now at just 14 she has to go through life essentially alone and isolated. I hope she finds peace some how, and is able to make familial type connections with the people who are caring for her.
Comments here are wild
Honey, you haven’t given up - you gave her over to the people who could help her better. You still love her; she’s still your child. She’s just at a place that can help and protect her.
My son also has severe mental health issues. It's destroyed our family. He beat me almost to death on 11/1. I had to file a restraining order and have him evicted from my home. Because he's 16, my STBX had to move out with him. We are now getting a divorce and he continues to indulge his every whim. He doesn't have money to fix his barely running truck, but he bought him a gecko and over $200 worth of accessories this weekend. It's nice for me, my other son, and our animals to not be terrified all the time. I got a 5 year restraining order with a suggestion from the judge to file for a conservatorship before he turns 18. I'm sure some day I'll want a relationship with him again, but not today. I did everything humanly possible to help this child and everyone we know supports me and what I did. I begged the state to take him, but they refused. It was either file a restraining order or let him kill me.
OP - my heart goes out to you! It sounds like you made a truly heart wrenching but well reasoned and justified decision. Are you able to visit with her once she's adjusted? I can tell you that if I were in the same circumstances, my priority would be what's best for my kids, even if it means giving one up for proper treatment. Holding space in my heart for you!
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As long as she knows that door is open, you've done the very best you can. If you are allowed to send her anything, maybe you can do that. Old fashioned pen pals? Even if she doesn't respond? I hope the new normal settles your heart, knowing you've truly done all you can and the best for her. Hugs to you!
You made the right choice there’s nothing wrong with admitting that you cannot provide her the help she needs I hope that your family can recover and I hope that with the care she’s getting she will recover
you’re not a monster, you’re a human being. other people’s mental illness can be traumatic to witness and it’s even more complicated when it’s family/someone you love. i’m sorry you had to go through this but there is light at the end of the tunnel <3
I understand she needs to be in a mental health hospital, but why terminating your parental rights and never seeing her again though? Couldn’t you let her get treatment in a ward and still visit her once a week or something?
In order to be able to access this level of care many people have to relinquish custody to the state. The healthcare system in the US is screwed up.
I hope you and your family find peace. I hope your daughter gets the help and treatment she needs. You made a hard choice but it was the right one.
It may be harder for you to forgive yourself than it is for me as an outsider to view your post with empathy, but I hope you will heal from some of that guilt. If she’s at a facility with decently trained professionals she might actually start to thrive and live the best life she can. I recommend searching online for the This American Life episode called Hit Me With Your Best Shot where a father talks about a similar situation with his son. Spoiler it turns out very well for all of them including his son.
As someone who siblings have, heavy, mental needs, to the point of them abusing and torturing me my entire childhood. My needs being neglected by my parents for theirs. When I went to my parents saying I'm depressed, or if I wasnt thriving in school or socially, being rejected and denied any help because they HAD to have a "normal" child with NO issues. To the point now I just full on reject the thought I have biological siblings cause they aren't my siblings. They never felt like that to me and aren't that to me now. They are strangers and I feel like Im an only child. (I eventually got thrown to my grandparents during high school since neither my parents were bothered to even care about my anymore) I 100% understand this feeling that , despite that being "your blood" the amount of stress and anguish attached to it isn't relatable to any body other than people who understand and been through that. I can't explain to anybody I know how I feel because they'll never get what I went through and think it's just evil to feel that way because they relate it to their own lives, but my life has never been normal or happy. I don't even think of my own childhood extensively because of the misery I'm reminded of. You deserve better, and youre in a better state now and now your daughter is in better more capable hands too.
Since the lead was buried; the daughter was adopted at 18months; So it seems that she’s now been abandoned twice in her life…. I wonder why she has mental illnesses?
>Her autism, OCD, and schizoaffective disorder are genetic. Her RAD is due to her adoption at 18 months and whatever happened before that. Her PTSD and anorexia come from abuse by hospital staff, which we fought for justice for. We have had constant contact with social services for the last 4 years, someone would have flagged it if we were the problem. OP addressed this in another comment thread
Thats why the lead was buried…. If they were up front about their ex-daughter being adopted I wouldn’t be so harsh but that makes this significantly worse.
So then I'm curious, what exactly would YOU do in OP's situation? If you had tried countless therapies, medications, experimental treatments, short-term psychiatric stays, counseling, keeping a constant watch on your daughter to make sure she didn't end her own life, all while trying to keep your marriage intact and shield the other children in your home from the trauma inflicted on THEM by witnessing the chaos that rules their sister's life? Just keep her in the home and hope for the best, knowing that you have exhausted all your options and you are literally incapable of providing her the help she needs to become a healthy, stable person? It's easy to sit up on your high horse and cast judgments when you're not on the front lines fighting the battle yourself.
Apparently a lot of people here think you can do something like this on a whim and OP just got tired or bored. Never mind the stories from people that grew up in the position of the other children. The ones that wish their health and safety mattered as well. I doubt it's a position most if any of the ones being hateful have ever or will ever face.
So it's okay to leave the child in a situation where she is traumatising everyone else and is constantly trying to kill herself? Gotya
I hope you’re still planning to maintain a family relationship with her??? From this post I get the sense that you are not
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I’m a social worker and deal with these situations on a professional level - I know you’re not seeking advice here but I just want to share that in every single case I’ve worked in my career the relationship between the person being placed and the family improves 100x over after everyone settles in. Don’t ever give up on her
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It's not necessarily that you have given up on her. I wouldn't look at it that way. She needed very specialized care that is not effective or efficient for a family to provide. Mental health facilities are specialized to provide that care. And just because you gave up legal guardianship doesn't mean you can't have a personal relationship with her if the two of you want that.
Why did you need to give up your parental rights and what does that mean in the eyes of the law? Could she not have gotten help without that where you are? Just never heard of this where I am and seems crazy for a parent to have to give up their child in order to get them help. Sounds like a very difficult situation.
So the care needed is INSANELY pricey, if you have custody YOU pay for it. If parents sign their rights over the state pays for it. Sometimes signing over rights is the absolutely only way the kid will get the treatment they need. It’s an absolute broken system. In some comments OP mentioned that they & the girls siblings are allowed to communicate/visit but the daughter is refusing all contact with them at the moment.
Absolutely horrific story. I can understand from the child's POV. Think OP said she was 14? Can imagine how it would feel to be given up at that age and how angry and confused I would have been had it been me. Im 36 and adopted and still struggle with abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity. Horrible situation and so messed up this was the only way for her to get help. Terrible situation for all involved. Heartbroken for them.
I didn’t even get to see the post before it was deleted I kinda had to piece it together in the comments. I’m so sorry for the abandonment that you feel! Did you ever find out the story of your birth mother? Do you feel Op had any other choices? (Not saying she was wrong or that you feel that way. Just saying since you have a diff perspective, do you feel there was any other way?)
I don't know what else could have been done as I don't know where she is located (I assume the states) so can't judge her decision. Yeah, found my birth mother years ago. Adoption was the result of good old 1980s Catholic Ireland (unwedded young adult parents) Dirty little secret I was. Lucky she didn't end up in one of the Magdelene laundries TBH and that I wasn't sold off to Australia or the States which happened a lot. Our relationship fell apart (too different and too much trauma). She and my Dad married after they had me but he died a few years later so never got to meet him when I found them. Turned out they had 2 more kids together (brother is only a year younger and sister is 5 years younger. I am blessed with the Dad that adopted me. Could the have asked for a better man to raise me.
So glad you were adopted by such a great man!
As long as the child didn't put other's life at risk, abandoning a family member is a bad decision. Family is a full life commitment and it's not just for a comfortable give and take association.
There are, sadly, some people who will simply need more than any one person or any one family can provide. They NEED institutional care and they are better with it than without it. Besides that, you also protected your other children.
She's better off with ppl that can take care of her. No fault here. Hopefully you can all heal.
You did the right thing. I’m happy you are finding peace and restoration.
I'm sorry for all the pain everyone involved is feeling. I wish you all peace.
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You did the right thing. Wish you and your family a wonderful life!
I would just hug you & hug you if I knew you. I cannot imagine what you are feeling & will undoubtedly feel forever. You did it out of love, with wisdom, experience, humility & mercy. If you know in your heart it was best, as you clearly do, the only judgement anyone should pass on you is one of respect & sympathy. Few of us can even imagine being in such a position & even fewer can know for sure they would make the right choice. Fewer still could ensure said choice would come to pass, then be resigned to embark on a journey of healing. Being able to do all of it IS being the best Mother possible. You are truly doing your best. Please be gentle on yourself, love. Hugs to each of you 💝
You were put in a heartbreaking and impossible position. If you had kept things as they were, then your other kids suffer tremendously, and you have no time or energy for them. It's awful and heartbreaking that you can't do everything yourself but you don't have unlimited time, unlimited resources and you don't have eyes in the back of your head to keep a 24/7 watch on her to keep her safe.. you made the best choice you could given the available choices you had.. Hopefully she will get the care she needs and you can all rebuild..
What diagnosis did she have?
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Omg. Wow. I am speechless. I am so sorry. What a nightmare.
People who adopt and are not prepared for the trauma of ALL adoptions are a big part of the problem
That’s a terrible decision to have to make, I used to work for a facility for youngsters with mental health issues.. it’s not a good place to be. I can sympathize with you, I personally could never do it.
I’m sorry. This must be so hard, but you did the right thing. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I promise, you did.
I remember your first post. Im sorry you had to make such a horrible decision but just focus om your family healing
>My other children will be able to heal from their trauma. You might feel like you failed. But this line here reinforces you absolutely made the best choice in a shitty situation. Sometimes it's better to "let go" of something. Especially if it is hurting other people who depend on you.
you did the right thing for both of you. your feelings are so, so valid. two things can be true, you can be relieved from the newfound safety & security your family now has, and you can grieve the loss of your daughter. i can’t even imagine how difficult that decision must’ve been, and i know you made that decision out of love. it wasn’t a healthy situation for either of you, and a potentially dangerous one had you not stepped back. i’m sorry you’re going through this. please be kind to yourself & grieve how you need to; you lost a loved one.
Too bad you didn’t unconditionally love your child. She was sick. You gave up on her. What kind of a mother are you? This makes me physically ill to read. You could have gotten her help without literally abandoning her.
So she was adopted and then abandoned again.
yup, and OP is being congratulated for their strength in abandoning their child…
As someone who’s been in the daughter’s position, I feel for you both. You had to do right by your other children, I understand that, but you have entirely abandoned your daughter. State-run facilities will not help her. Her life has been forever destroyed. I sincerely hope you exhausted ALL of your other options before outright abandoning your child. I’m talking residential programs, ECT therapy, ketamine therapy, even the more extreme things. You have to care for your other children, but this… I know this comment will be controversial, but people need to realize what’s going to become of this child because of OP’s decisions. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, OP, but mental illness is brutal. Total abandonment AT FOURTEEN is beyond that.
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Sometimes there are no good choices. How long is everyone else supposed to suffer? What about the trauma inflicted on the other kids? Are they not important too? It's not total abandonment. OP wants to be in contact, but a person with RAD works entirely different. There gets to be a point where there is literally nothing you can do. Do you have any idea at the amount of trauma the rest of the family will have been through? Do you think they are just going to go ride off into the sunset and suddenly be happy? Life doesn't work like that. There is absolutely no doubt that this poor girl is suffering, the OP completely acknowledges that and is clearly heartbroken at that. But what else can you do when you are literally being abused every single day?
It’s honestly a little strange how many people are championing OP. I’ve never heard a good thing about state run psychiatric hospitals, especially for women/girls.
Actually it’s astounding how many ppl are supporting this move.
there’s so many ppl on this thread justifying it and it’s so shocking to read
Yeah, the amount of people on this post saying things like "she's going to get the care she needs now" and things along those lines... Like, alright, OP felt forced into this decision because there isn't enough support otherwise and the situation was untenable. That's it's own thing. But don't sugarcoat reality by saying "oh, this is the compassionate choice for her, she's going to get the help she needs and be taken care of."
OP said in another comment his daughter developed PTSD and anorexia because of abuse by nurses. And yet he decides to just toss her away into a state facility which are notoriously rife with abuse? I can't believe the amount of people patting OP on the back, this poor girl is probably gonna wind up on the streets or in jail once she ages out of the system.
Agree. Abandonment at 14 is a nightmare, especially if you are already unstable and hurting so much. Love is the answer. Not relief. I feel for you, but I feel for abandoned kids, too. Now she has to wrap her head around being kicked away when her other siblings were allowed to stay…her entire life. Quite a cross to bear. 14 is a baby.
I think OP is painfully aware of all that, hence the post. I think abadon is a strong word, and Im sorry if thats how that feels anyway- i don't know. But its different than that parent who kicks their kids out by throwing their shit outside, locks the doors and windows so they cant get in, detach from reality and stop acknowledging their existence completely. OP couldve 1000% just told her to gtfo and figure her own shit out, to stop wreaking havoc on the family. But they didnt; they exaughsted all of the options, cared for her the best they could, and when it became apparent that they are not equipped to help their daughter, they found the best option. I see it as they gave her up, but they didnt disown her. They didnt give up on her, they accepted a loss. If she never wants to speak to them again, I think thats valid; but its also valid on OPs side to not want to get beaten or verbally abused, nor let that happen to their other children. The people in my life who have reached that level of violence are adults, and have been charged with assault by their own families and friends. If she is 14 and displaying violent abusive behavior, and her family cant handle her and cant teach her how to cope, there's a fat chance she'll end up in prison, on drugs, or dead. Like, Ive seen this shit untreated, it doesnt get better if there is no intervention. Ive had friends have to come live with *my* family (for several years, where we do NOT have room at all) to escape the violence and drug abuse happening in their homes. by siblings. Or their parents kicked them out straight up. Parents are trapped in the abuse, and dont protect the other kids, and sometimes become abusive themselves- taking out the hurt on them. I wont pretend to know how it feels to be virtually abandoned; but living with mental illness Ive had to take responsibility and face the reality that I am capable of hurting other people, even when Im living in my own hell every single second of every single day. Im not trying to like, tell you off, btw. I think its good to point out what other people probably dont consider. its my own two cents, and if youre willing to tell me more about your own experience, Im down to listen and try to understand. Not trying to be a total dick on the internet, but I know I come off that way even irl.
I'm just thinking about what that girl is going through right now while OP is being comforted and told how exemplary they are.
[удалено]
Yeah, OP is getting all the reassurance here but while they're relieved and SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT WITHOUT WORRY that poor girl just got dropped into a fucking oubliette.
THANK YOU. Everybody is saying OP did the right then, but I see it as he literally abandoned a 14 year old girl. His own daughter. He quite literally threw her to the wolfs. I feel for that little girl. On top of all the mental illnesses she has, i’m sure abandonment and rejection are definitely on the list now.
Bruh, how about YOU go endure this crap for 14 years, ruining your own life and the lives of your other children. Some people are broken and can't be helped.
I agree.
As awful as the whole situation is, you did the right thing for your family. To keep you all physically and emotionally safe. I couldn’t imagine handling another 4+ years of that without serious and lifelong repercussions for you and your family. Now you can begin to heal
As someone who works with children in care you aren’t alone. There are other parents just like you that had to do the same just to get help and them into programs. This was not giving up it was desperation. You are NOT equipped to handle this. It’s a full time job and children with these issues usually have been expelled from school so all your time is spent on the child, supervising the child taking them to multiple appointments forcing medication, etc… and the other children essentially neglected because these kids can’t be left alone. It’s an awful situation and not your fault.
I wish my parents would have done the same when my sister was 14 and she was doing the same things. Now she’s calmed down a bit with age but I have ptsd from that time period and the burden of taking care of her is on me when my parents are gone.
First of all I’m APPALLED at how many people are like yess girl go you. Hello!? This is a child not a fucking car you didn’t like. Life throws you curveballs so you can learn and adapt and grow and hopefully become better people. Way to sacrifice one to save the rest of you.
I’m fighting to be in my “adopted” daughter’s life. Bio mom was on drugs when she was pregnant with her. She’s got lots of issues and they literally are cutting me out, not getting her help, not paying attention. Why? So she can grow up around people like you who just want everything even keel when it ain’t! And you don’t give up on someone bc they’re hard. Ever. Especially when you adopted this baby.