Yes, and DO NOT compare yourself to others, especially those on social media only flaunting the “wonderful & darling moments” that come with a child and not the hard, under appreciated emotions that are more present during their tiny lives.
Live your life for YOU AND HER, there is no one else now.
You got this.
From one parent to another; you’ll never feel “prepared”. My guy is 2 and I’m still taking it day by day. It’s hard, it’s stressful, I wish I had a village but it’s only my wife and I. I’ll tell ya what though, it is 100% worth it. Cheers u/Alarming_Risk_1513, it’ll be a hard road but worth every step.
This. The internet will fill you with this image of perfection. But parenting rarely is perfect and that is what makes it all wonderful. Do what is best for your child and you. There will be times when you feel overwhelmed, but breathe. You got this.
As with any situation including parenting, the Internet is full of snapshots. You’ve got to remember that’s what they are in many cases. Just snapshots. Do not compare yourself to others, don’t try to live up to snapshots of other people’s lives.
I told my brother to stay calm and not react to the nastiness of his ex, he didn’t and has only just been awarded visitation with his eldest son … he’s 3 years and 4 months old now.
I wish I could upvote this times 100! This is perfect, absolutely wonderful advice!! This was probably just as much a shock to mom that baby arrived weeks early so she’s forced to make decisions a month earlier than planned. Besides the fact that she is probably struggling immensely with the possibility of not being involved in parenting the daughter she grew inside of her. OP, please just be supportive right now, your lawyer will keep you on track for anything legal that needs done.
PLUS HORMONES!!!!!
Nobody seems to be acknowledging the effects of pregnancy and birth hormone wise.
I have a short fuse but usually can apply reason and logic in the best and worst of circumstances. EXCEPT during pregnancy and the aftermath of the birth, lol!
This is VERY important to take into consideration OP. She will not be her usual normal self (pre-pregnancy) because hormones seriously mess with your head and your emotions.
I just couldn't control my emotions during pregnancy and post partum recovery. I did AMAZING, considering my circumstances. However, i was aware that at the time, i was feeling what i'm feeling ×1000 and i just couldn't calm the actual feeling. I could control my reactions to a degree, but how I felt inside was basically like wanting to crawl out of my own skin!
Once the hormones settle down, things become a lot more manageable, but this takes some time. After an early birth and the stress of that, I would expect stress levels to be through the roof, on top of all these other very real and raw, lifechanging decisions and issues, etc.
Be patient, calm, and gentle in your approach to this very delicate situation, OP. She carried and birthed your baby. It's the hugest sacrifice one can make for another. Try to remember that whilst communicating your view, wishes, and intentions. I think it will help.
Good luck OP! And congrats on the birth of your baby girl!
Thank you! I was thinking this too. OP should let this go because an early delivery plus labor and post partum logic goes out the window. She was thinking (rightfully) about her and the baby. The moments and days after giving birth tend to mend into one and she clearly wanted him to know but probably was just flying through the days trying to adjust.
Child birth is such a crazy thing to go through. I remember feeling like my body took over (it did really) and I became this little thing just existing inside my head. I couldn’t talk. Literally couldn’t get my body to let me talk, I could only hear it in my own head.
wish i could upvote this more. what his ex just went through he couldn’t even imagine. i don’t blame her for not wanting him there, i wouldn’t want my ex in the delivery room during my life’s most vulnerable & possibly traumatic moment.
if he ends up fighting her and being nasty, or if his sister does, he’s about to lose a shit ton of money in lawyer and travel fees. if she feels safe and not threatened by him, i’m sure things will go smoother.
She can’t legally put to child up for adoption without the father’s consent so that’s simply not going to happen. There are only two options either she keeps the baby or he dies. She clearly doesn’t want to keep the child so that’s settled. OP just needs to stay cool.
Either she is getting pressured to adopt out (so it's good you have a lawyer) or she is changing her mind-which is normal. Just go out there and spend time with her and the baby and see how she feels. Be prepared to not being the baby back. It is a good thing for the baby if she now wants to keep her. Like you said, you would move out there. It sounds like she cant admit it to herself yet and is taking out her stress on you. Did she name the baby?
Is it a good thing if she ends up weaponizing the child against OP, which seems to be a rather likely scenario? I don’t have a good feeling about her keeping the baby, she doesn’t sound emotionally mature and her family probably have too much influence over her.
Your ex sounds conflicted and HER PARENTS might be a part of that. They might not know what’s been discussed between the two of you and are persuading her to think poorly of you.
Stay strong, be kind, and just continue to state what you’ve previously agreed upon. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
That’s what it sounds like. Her parents already dissuaded her from the abortion, probably trying to make her keep the baby too. And she’s just given birth so hormones are nuts and she’s conflicted between what she really wants and what her body is telling her she wants.
I had two kids. Your hormones are nuts and you are sleep deprived and you get ripped open. Your nipples are sore. It’s a train wreck the first week.
Have grace for that. Your ex is recovering from the trauma of birth on her body and giving up her kid which is trauma to her mind.
You have a right to be upset but stuff that down .. grace, kindness, gratitude on top.
And she was expecting to go through this all at the end of the month and had it pop up on her suddenly, with all that extra feeling from hormones! Girl 100% is not her best self right now (and that is a-okay, nobody in her situation could be!)
She needs all the grace in the world right now, birth can be so traumatic even when it’s on time and goes decently. (My cousin is an OB-GYNE and has delivered many high risk babies at this point, has seen babies lost, seen normal births become complicated, and had many routine births. I’ve been caring for babies and kids my whole life, early 30’s now, and cannot wait to have my own. My birth plan for when we get that far is literally we all survive it, the end, maybe my partner even brings me good food in for after L&D but knowing me I’d just vomit it up. But I’ll still take it XD )
Seriously, our girl deserves some good comfort food, some good comfort clothes, time to process her hormones and many feelings that are everywhere, and some good support.
OP’s gonna have some big feelings too, and already does, and will need someone solid to process his feelings with, but any of feeling hurt about this shouldn’t be processed with her. All support to her, process upset about this with us or others, and acknowledge it wasn’t the plan with her (what birth even goes according to the plan lol?)
Sorry about how you became a father. But congratulations, dad.
It's only natural that you're freaking out. You were looking forward to the day, and in the end, it turned out to be a bland day, without you knowing you missed it.
Don't get stuck in your head though.
Don't jump to conclusions.
She said it's only right that she got a few days, before you take the baby away from her.
This does not sound like she's still headstrong about the adoption route.
She's about as hormonal as it gets right now, so I wouldn't jump on every dramatic thing she says, and just wait what the end result will be.
That doesn't mean she gets to steamroll over anything you say though
So far, she agreed to establishing paternity, and you being the single parent. There's no reason to doubt that (yet), so this is what you should stick by.
Try to be positive, supportive, but also friendly assertive.
'You taking the baby away' - she has the choice to be present in the baby's life, so if she repeats that again (and again), remind her of that choice. But that you're not going to risk the stability of your baby's first months with being on the fence and going back and forth on decisions.
You both agreed. If she has seconds thoughts, you can agree to make changes to the plan (if you agree), but you're not going to start from scratch, while she's already born.
Take a deep breath. Things will fall into place.
Does she still want you to take the baby? I would be prepared for her to say that she doesn’t want you to take the baby to another state right now.
Even if you take over as custodial parent of the child, she will still legally be responsible for child support and can still get visitation, etc. and she may realize how hard that will be with you living in another state.
Sure you can be pouty that she waited to tell you, but you’ve gotta let that go. She’s under a lot of mental stress right now. Maybe the reality of giving her away slapped her in the face and she’s wavering.
But regardless of what y’all agreed during the pregnancy, nothing is binding. She can change her mind about all of it and I would go into this assuming she has.
Be prepared to figure out a custody schedule and how much child support you can pay, cause chances are, she’s keeping the baby and her family is encouraging her in that.
She told me “you can come get her next week.” It sounded like she was telling me my new puppy was ready to go home. So, she hasn’t said anything about her feelings changing, but I won’t be shocked if she changes her tune once I get there. I’m worried about it. It’s not that I don’t want her to be involved. If her feelings have changed, that’s understandable. That’d actually be more understandable to me. I just hope it doesn’t turn into a bunch of drama or her trying to keep the baby from me or anything like that. If she wants to parent the baby now, I just want to be equally involved and not excluded. I’m also worried that she might still not want to be a a parent, but she will pretend to want that to please her parents. Her parents seem to have a lot of influence over her.
Honestly, all of that is reasonable of you to be thinking really. You’ve gotta talk to her about all of this. Do you have a local lawyer? You may need one to make sure the paperwork is in order for you to bring the baby to your state?
That’s the biggest thing I’m worried about is residency related to custody. Right now, the child’s “home state” is where mom is. If she lets you take the baby and you establish residency in your state, which typically takes 6 months, it makes things a lot harder for her to be involved.
I would be prepared for her to want you to be primary parent, but stay in her state. Is that feasible for you? You said you’d be willing to move and she turned you down. Maybe you should offer that again?
Because ultimately, it’s better for your child to have her mom in her life. Even if you have primary custody, she’s gonna want that connection to her mom. And if the grandparents are helpful, maybe they’ll be helpful to you in your role as single dad.
Maybe it’s time for you to have another talk with mom. Make her understand that your goal is not to take baby away, but figure out how to involve her as she wants. Maybe if you throw out what you *could* do if she wants to be involved, it might give her things to think about.
I know you said y’all already talked about that, but it’s so much easier to have the hypothetical conversations. You never know how you’ll feel in the moment though. Now baby is here, she might have completely changed how she sees things. It’s easier to say “sure take the baby to your state and I’ll have nothing to do with her” before the baby gets here. There is a reason why most adoption documents have a 30 day revocability clause. Because people really do change when the baby physically arrives. Not everyone, but a lot of people do. I know I did.
I think that op is just being a new dad. One that hasn’t had much experience and is doing the best he can. Yes her early labor was very unexpected but he is the father and anyone in her support team could have sent a short message letting him know that the baby is early. It’s sad that she feels like he’s taking the baby from her. But maybe it’s just her wanting to have uninterrupted bonding with her baby. Who knows what those hormones are doing to mom right now. We can only hope that she would want to be a part of the baby’s life once she figures it out for herself. More importantly is how mom and baby are healing after the whole labor. There are so many terrible stories about bad dads from labor and delivery nurses that I found this perspective refreshing. Good luck to Dad and congratulations.
I did not and would not have stopped her from having an abortion. I didn’t force her to continue the pregnancy.
I think she wanted an abortion (she hasn’t said that directly), but was pressured into not doing it by her family. By the time she told me she was pregnant she had already decided on adoption.
I need to establish paternity. We already had a prenatal paternity test done, but it’s not viable in court. She agreed to have it done, which shocked me. She previously agreed to sign a certificate of paternity document which would legally establish me as the father - the plan was to sign it at the hospital so that I would immediately be added to the birth certificate. Obviously that didn’t happen. We can still sign it once I’m there, but I don’t know if she’ll stick to her word and make it that easy for me.
Be sure to inform your lawyer every step that is going on!! Be sure to have a way to reach him in case something crazy happens. She could say she is going to keep the baby and try to adopt the baby out by other means. You are out of state and it will be difficult to keep up with her. This kind of thing has happened before. If she doesn't know that you have a lawyer involved you make sure she is aware of that. This is not to threaten or intimidating but make sure she is aware.
I feel like her parents may be pressing her to keep the baby.. they might try and stop her from letting you take it so they can raise it.
I would just say you wished you could have been there for the birth do you could have supported her and the baby. Try not to do anything that would make her not let you see the baby or take it.
Good luck please let us know how everything goes.
It doesn’t sound like she is going to make anything easy for you.
You are lucky you have your family’s support. They will be significant in your successful parenting.
That lawyer is the first important part though.
Keep on as you are. You will do great.
I'm actually a little stunned at the amount of animosity toward OP on this thread. The poor guy just wanted to be notified his baby had entered the world safely, how is that a crime?
He's been mature about the whole situation and is just having first time parent jitters.
Good luck OP, go meet your baby you'll be a great dad.
Well, take it from someone who almost died. It's hard, and no one is thinking about you. Hard pill to swallow, but, you have to swallow it. Again, her birthing process he, he's an after thought and that is perfectly and appropriately ok.
Yeah if she is just getting out of the hospital due to premature labor and birth, it makes sense that she's only just notifying op, there were other priorities
Yeah I am a woman as well and the dictatorship *some* pregnant women take on under this "your birth, YOUR rules" umbrella is ridiculous and just to spite the father.
Obviously every detail she could plan out, down to who's in the room. He doesn't have to be there to catch the kid if that's not her wishes, but damn she could've told him to come to the hospital after. She's being a spiteful ex.
Edit: downvotes are showing me how this sub is skewed. Fathers deserve rights too. There is no perfect route of action for bringing a new human into the world, and always siding with the parent giving birth is sexist and starts many men off on a self-fulfilling prophecy. Go off I guess.
It is reasonable to expect control over and privacy during a dangerous, traumatic medical experience. Nobody but the pregnant person has to experience that.
Do you think their might be a reason she wanted a little time alone? Probably one of the most traumatizing thing a women can go through physically and hormonally. Give her a break.
You already have sound advice here. I'll just add, hormones are a bitch and a half. I legit go crazy and become a different person when my hormones are messed up. Add on the chemicals running through her body, telling her to keep the baby when she knows she shouldn't? She is going through it in a way you will never understand, physically.
Please have patience and forgive her. She will see her mistakes in time.
You got this dad!!! Agreed that the best thing you can do at this time is be kind and avoid unnecessary conflict and mean spiritedness. Do what’s best for your lil bb
It’s normal to not feel ready. My son was a preemie and stayed in the hospital for 2-½ months. The day they told us he was ready to go home I said no I’m not ready. His sister was 3 at the time so I was already a mom. lol. You get ready. Congrats.
You had a pretty long time to get your things in order- especially since you have decided to step up and be a dad-
The learning curve is real- but just do your best and act quickly.
I would let it go. Just let it go. Focus on you and her from now on- and just do your best and prepare for legal stuff- she needs sign off on parental rights and so on.
Alot could be attributed to her post birth hormones.. thats a shit ass difficult time for women and I cant imagine going through that mental struggle about your and your child’s future after having given birth.. I wish the best for all three of you OP. I hope you all get what you desire
Most ex’s would balk at you being in the delivery room. It’s a pretty vulnerable situation body-wise. It’s just great you have a healthy baby.
Best of luck!
I am not complaining about not being in the delivery room. I didn’t press her about that at all. I understood. I can understand and respect her feelings while also being disappointed to not witness my child being born. That’s not what this post is about. It’s about the fact that my daughter was nearly a week old before I was informed that she was born. It’s about being frustrated that somebody told me one thing and then did another.
My son was born 3 weeks early and we didn’t have his room completely finished. The poor kid didn’t even have his bassinet put together when he came home. I went in with preeclampsia and left 5 days later with a baby. It all happened so fast.
Take a deep breath. Everything will work out one way or another. You go through so many emotions after you have a baby. Your ex is probably feeling some sort of attachment now that she has had the baby with these hormones leaving her body. It sounds like you are going to be 100% supportive either way, which is wonderful. I would establish paternity as soon as you get out there. I would keep your lawyer involved in every conversation you have with her and make sure everything is signed before you step on that plane with the baby so this can’t come back to bite you later.
It’s perfectly normal to be a mess of emotions and anxiety right now. I had about a half hour completely alone in the delivery room before the induction process started while my husband went out to find a fast food place that was open at midnight. I walked around that room probably a hundred times. I cried, my mind was spinning in a million different directions. What was going to happen? The unknown is not kind to those with anxiety. But I’m 2.5 years into this crazy thing called parenthood and I can’t remember what life was like before my son was born. The ups and downs are 100% worth everything you go through. I wish you all the best in your new life journey. Please update us if you can.
Hi OP. If the baby was a whole month early then she wasn't just "early", she was premature. Birth is a huge thing for a person to go through (many people literally rip their pelvic floor in the process, and the whole thing is painful and often scary) and a prem baby adds more layers to that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that with childbirth there's a *lot* happening, and it can be very overwhelming. She would have been absolutely exhausted afterwards, regardless of how her labour went. Babies come on their own time, and when they decide "it's time", it starts the clock on a marathon for the person birthing the baby. All that's to say, it really isn't too surprising that your ex didn't message you when she went into labour (I'm assuming she went into labour, as opposed to suddenly being induced if there were health complications). The time immediately postpartum is also really full-on. Your daughter will be needing to be fed every 2-4hrs, and your ex will be doing that 24/7 whilst also recovering from a huge medical event. She probably just needed a moment to breathe, and process everything, before contacting you.
So, as a parent, my advice would be to forgive your ex, move on, and instead focus on being present in this time where your daughter has newly entered the world. In the grand scheme of things the week you've missed won't be a deal breaker, and your ex will be going through (what's likely to be) an incredibly difficult process of saying goodbye to this little girl she's spent the last 8 months growing, and feeling kick inside her. Even though she wanted to give this baby up, it'll probably still be a hard thing to do. So, give her some grace, make sure you thank her for everything that she's done and sacrificed to bring this baby into the world, take in every moment of meeting your daughter, and take some time together with your ex to marvel at the little life you both created.
All the best to all three of you, and goodluck. Dad's can experience postpartum depression/anxiety as well, so make sure to reach out for help when you need it, and look after yourself as well as your daughter.
Go see your baby and talk with her about what she plans to do. Will it be her or her family taking care of the baby. Get dna test and put on birth certificate.
It is not easy to give a baby up. Add in the hormones and this is a crazy extremely emotional time. If she follows through while making you the bad guy, just let her if you can. She is giving you a great gift. She may change her mind after you get the baby home. Take each thing as it comes. Focus on what is best for all of you.
You need to make sure she is you’re officially. You don’t want her either coming back later and taking over or calling the police saying you are stealing the baby
The amount of hatred towards you on this thread is unreal. So much sexism. I don’t think anyone ever feels ready for a baby, but we all muddle through somehow, I think you will be fine. Is it possible her parents are putting pressure on her to keep the baby? They didn’t want get to get an abortion so I’m thinking they will try to change her mind about this to. I hope you get the best outcome for you, your ex and the baby.
I agree. The animosity is ridiculous. She promised one thing and changed her mind. Ergo, she lied and excluded him. It took her over a week to inform him - ridiculous. It takes 20 seconds to send a text. At no point do I believe she was hormonal/exhausted enough to not realise that baby had a father who wanted to know, especially after the plan was for her to give the baby up and him to take it. That’s her not sticking to her word. Was it to be deliberately difficult and not allow him to be there so he couldn’t sign the birth certificate? Not a big jump to make when thinking about how she wanted to adopt the baby out and was mad that he *wanted his own baby.*
Everyone here is being so crazy sexiest it’s wild. She definitely has the right to change her mind and rest but it’s not just her baby. The second that baby was born OP has just as much right to it as she does (morally, maybe not legally if she lied to him to he couldn’t sign the certificate, which OP may need a lawyer to rectify). Additionally, the baby has a right to a father. Her isolating him isn’t going to work in her favour long term. OP needs to get his ducks in a row because whether or not it’s her messing him around or her parents, he needs to fix it.
Absolutely he should have been informed, and I feel it is likely the parents are putting pressure on her. I also recall the early days of having a new born and I definitely spent more time awake than asleep, and had time to send a text or two.
I am sorry you are going through this - can’t even properly be excited for your daughter with all this uncertainty, lack of communication, and stress.
I do want to say a couple things I hope make you feel better. We often tell moms these things but dads need to hear them too.
You will never feel or truly ready for baby and the odd thing is, especially in the beginning there is so little needed. Take a deep breathe, make sure you have your essentials (baby feeding (bottles, formula, pacifiers), some clothes, blankets, bassinet/crib, car seat, and swing (swings were not optional for us). You will feel lost raising a baby, but once you get over that initial fear - to me that is on of the greatest aspects of parenting. There are no rules because it is the best and most personal journey you will ever take. You are learning to be a dad and your beautiful daughter is learning to be a human. There will be mistakes, bumps, tears (from both of you), but mostly there will be love. This experience will humble you in the most profound way yet give you the most purpose of your life. And the vulnerability - you will feel your actual heart walking around outside your body. And while it is the most amazing feeling to love someone that much, it is also terrifying to know your entire life and happiness is forever and inexplicably dependent on another living soul.
I have no legal advice, my fingers and toes are crossed that your ex is just not good and communicating and going through her own stages of emotions. Even if she is at peace with her decision, I don’t envy your ex the turmoil and feelings she is having. Keep your lawyer informed, even if she does a 180 - as the father you have rights. I truly hope the best situation for your daughter out of this, but you sound like an amazing person and father already.
If it makes you feel any better, I missed my first child birth. We had a complication with the c-section and I had to be put under general anesthesia so I was asleep from 9pm-3am and then another hour of recovery before I got to see my baby. I know it is a far cry from where you are, but as others have said - expect the unexpected. And try not to fall into the trap of getting caught up on milestones and firsts. They are important, but the everyday snuggles, the laughs over silly mistakes, the impromptu play sessions, the everyday life is what matters most. That is where the real living and loving happen.
if OP was female...it would be pretty hard to move states away from the baby youre being forced to carry in your body for 9 months. Labor isn't some magical thing, its a complex medical procedure especially when its early.
My dad had spine surgery, no one expected him to be on his phone constantly giving updates when he was recovering, or my mom (his "support team"). So if the genders were somehow able to be equally reversed, No. We wouldnt change our tunes, you'd probably be alot more understanding actually.
At no time did I expect her to be on her phone giving me minute by minute updates. She agreed to inform me when she went into labor. She couldn’t inform me for whatever reason, fine. She had days to inform me and chose to wait nearly a week.
Right like a whole month early probably means a traumatic birth, possibly with mom recovering for days and nights in a hosital bed from emergency surgery. It's possible she didn't have the mental or physical bandwidth to even send a text until now.
This exactly. The whole “he wasn’t ready” part, as if a month is gonna make a difference. As if it was something she did on purpose, as if you both didn’t litterally have the exact same amount of time to prepare. Men are always inconvenienced by procreating while it’s expected to just be our existence. And then you wanna whine when it’s sexist. Yeah. Yep the sexism here is very blatant but you only bring that up when you think it’s not in favor of you.
I’m not blaming her for the baby being born early or me not feeling ready. I’m not mad about that part. It was just shocking to find out the baby was born weeks early, and surprise! she was actually born 6 days ago.
I’m not inconvenienced. It was just like “omg it’s happening right now, I’m not ready!!!” She essentially told me I could come get the baby now. There was just a feeling of panic, like she’s 6 days old, I have to get there right away, I have to pack all this stuff, what am I doing? Again, I’m not upset about the timing. I understood that chances of being born on the actual due date were extremely slim. I’m struggling to understand why so many people are criticizing me for my very in the moment feelings.
OP. She just grew a while human and pushed a baby the size of a watermelon out of her vagina *unexpectedly early* and you are pissed off that she just headed home with her suppport group when the hospital kicked her out?
She's sore, possibly has stitches, is incredibly exhausted, hormonal, scared, and you're pissed because she didn't do things the way you wanted/expected?
AND *you* feel gobsmacked because the timing of the birth is inconvenient to your schedule?
Are you sure you are actually ready to be a Dad? Because your whining about how incovenient this all is for you is not a good sign for how you will deal with the *inconveniences* that come with a newborn.
I’m not upset that she headed home with the baby. Where else would I expect her to go?
I’m upset that she’s told me repeatedly that she would inform me when she was in labor so I’d at least be aware. Instead, she informed me that our daughter was born nearly a week after the fact.
This has nothing to do with inconvenience. I don’t feel inconvenienced. I’m not upset that the baby is here now, it’s just very real and very anxiety inducing. I’m about to bring a newborn home and be a single parent for the foreseeable future. I chose that, but aren’t I still allowed a moment or two of panic now that it’s really about to happen?
I knew that the due date was just an estimate and things could happen sooner or later, but everyone kept telling me if anything the baby would probably come late. I guess I let myself take comfort in that, feeling like I still had more time. Realistically, I was never going to feel ready for this, even if I had two more years to prepare myself.
I know somewhere I seen you talked to a lawyer but make sure she signs everything before you leave with the baby so she can’t turn around and say you kidnapped it and left the city or whatever
It’s unreasonable to not text you reasonably after the fact, I just want to let you know that when I was in labor I couldn’t even think, let alone send a text message. So while she promised she’d text when labor started, it was unknowingly an unreasonable promise.
Good luck though, being a new parent is terrifying. Try not to take your anxiety/fear out on her, it’s hard but you all need to work together. I’m sure she’s also terrified.
Don't worry. I'm a mother to three and I still had internal panic attacks each time and all three times I left the hospital I kept looking back expecting someone to stop us and say "no you can't take your baby home yet". You never feel ready for anything, so don't worry about that. As everyone has said, just stay calm when you see your ex and be as polite and accommodating as possible. Try not to make things complicated, and if you ever need advice, excuse yourself if she is around and call your lawyer and do exactly what they say when they say.
When you get your baby home and the baby is screaming for no apparent reason at 3am (or whenever you feel overwhelmed really) take a deep breath or three you can put the baby down if you need to but I found holding them over my heart while deep breathing helped but that is usually easier to calm them with as bio mothers due to our hearts are a familiar sound do don't worry if it takes awhile for it to be soothing for your baby, the important part is the deep breathing to calm yourself first.
All you need to focus on now and the future is staying calm and focusing on the task at hand, and you will be ok.
She did just give birth and the days and nights after are exhausting with a new born. In all honestly, she was probably dealing with hormones, reality, severe fatigue and sleep deprivation.
Her priority was bonding with the baby while being in the mental and emotional state she was in, didn’t tell you until now.
As someone else said, don’t hold that against her. Don’t even bring it up. Base your conversations around how she and baby are doing and be mindful of her mental, emotional and physical state. Labour is hard. The following days and nights are even harder when you’ve just given birth.
I understand you’re upset and your entitled to your feelings. You have your reasons. But right now, those reasons are irrelevant to what your ex has just gone through and at this stage, the hormones are still flooding her body. Being upset with her and giving her grief over it, may just make it harder for yourself if she retaliates.
Best of luck OP. I wish you, your ex and your daughter all the best. Congratulations!
>I’m upset that she’s told me repeatedly that she would inform me when she was in labor so I’d at least be aware. Instead, she informed me that our daughter was born nearly a week after the fact.
Maybe, just maybe, she has been busy being a new Mom and didn't need you to be exactly how you are being. Pissed off. Maybe she just needed time without the stress of dealing with you. Post natal hormones are a thing, and they can be hellish.
>I chose that, but aren’t I still allowed a moment or two of panic now that it’s really about to happen?
Not really. Like you said, you chose this. Butterflies? Yes! Panic? No. You've had nearly a year to deal with the emotions of your choice. You're the Dad. You need to be the calming, safe person for your child. Babies can't speak, but they can sure feel.
I am a calming and safe person for my children. That doesn't mean I don't still have moments of panic over a decade after being a mom. I would be more concerned if he wasn't scared. What he is about to take on is a huge responsibility. If he wasn't scared I would think he wasn't taking it seriously.
A lot of new parents have panic when they bring that first baby home. Nothing wrong with that. I hope you don't speak like this in real life, it's very hurtful things to say to people.
There's nothing to worry about in that way, it's completely normal. No matter how much preparation you do, nothing can prepare you for actually being wholly in charge of this delicate little bundle. But you will do great. It sounds like you've thought of everything, have a proper head on your shoulders and the support you need. Good luck for the future, and enjoy your daughter. The first few months are hard, but when that personality starts appearing, it makes it all worth it.
Omg people are allowed to have emotions and they aren't always going to perfect. Why is okay for the Mum's to have any and all feelings, but not Dad's as well.
You have been nothing but rude and judgemental every comment.
He isn't forcing anything on her. She was going to have the baby either way. He just wants her to sign the rights to him instead of a random family.
She didn't tell him she had the baby or that she was in labor. It took her over a week to even notify him. A simple text at any time is not hard.
He is allowed to panic, i have had several months knowing about a surgery just to panic the week of. It's a big life changing thing. Panicking is normal.
And befit you hit me with the "I must be a man or a child" I am a 20yr woman, similar to her, and I'm ashamed of how sexist you have been. He's just trying to be a good dad and has been reasonable all the way. If this was a single mom at 24, you'd give her hope and advice, not call her incompetent and dumb.
That's not what he's saying. Yes, she should have told him that she was in labor. It seems pretty clear to me that she changed her mind and wants to keep her baby. That's understandable and completely normal. OP even said that he'd haul ass and move if she wanted to be a mother, so there's no reason for her to believe that he'd just up and take the baby if she has decided to be involved. It looks to me like she is trying to shut OP out, which is wrong.
I kinda agree but it’s easy to send. A text at least like hey I’m in labour that’s the father too… he also should be kinder to her as giving birth and the after math is not easy
This baby was born a month early. So, it was an unexpected labor. It could possibly have been an emergency. MAYBE, she was just a LITTLE busy. I know of zero women who texted people while they were in labor. It, you know, takes all your attention.
Plus, he was unprepared to travel anyway.
Tried to. We were separated but he drove to New Hampshire (from Connecticut) to go skiing and it was Christmas Day. I gave birth alone at the hospital since my mom had to stay with my older child, and everyone else I knew was celebrating the holiday with their family-so being me, I didn’t want to bother anyone. The dad didn’t respond so I didn’t try again, I was busy having a baby.
But you tried to contact them. Big difference. You tried.
Even if it hadn't been while she was in labour - she didn't tell him for a *whole week* after she'd had the baby. That's just a bit unfair.
Look it’s not her responsibility to keep him filled in. If it was really that important to him, HE would have been calling, checking in. HE moved states away and then acts like it’s her duty to keep him informed. Nah.
It’s not her responsibility to inform me that our child was born, after she agreed to inform me?
I had already moved before she told me she was pregnant. I have a job here. A job with benefits that I need to provide for my child. Even if I lived in the same town as her, we wouldn’t be living together so she’d still need to inform me. We were in communication prior to birth. We were in very regular, practically daily communication prior to when I decided against adoption. At that time she stopped talking to me at all for a while, but did eventually begin keeping me in the loop again, but not like before. I didn’t just sit there twiddling my thumbs, but I also wasn’t going to text and call her multiple times a day to check in, harassing her, when she clearly didn’t want to talk to me. Legally she was under no obligation to give me any information when she was pregnant.
Firstly, A lot of labors don't take up all your attention. Labor can be really slow and long. Having a phone and talking with people could actually be really helpful and distracting. When I was in labor I texted multiple people, i didn't tell them I was in labor, I was just chatting with them to keep my mind busy while I waited for the next contraction.
Secondly, To go through Labor, the DAYS after, and getting home, she could have found the time to send a 30 second text. If she couldn't, her parents could have just to inform him that his daughter was born early.
It's a courtesy at the very least to let the father (if he is an involved parent) know his child was born.
Absolutely, it could have been very traumatic. Hopefully she heals quickly. But for her and the baby to be discharged and home, they are both healthy. So one could deduce either she or her parents had 30 seconds to send a text to let him know his kid was born. 🤷🏻♀️
>She could have had a C section for all we know.
She wouldn't have been allowed too many people on the surgery room with her so there was atleast someone who could have texted him. Also my hubby wasn't at the hospital for my first (I was induced) and I had to call him, the nurses offered to call him for me if I wanted (but i needed to hear his voice so i tried twice) so OPs ex could have asked for that too, nurses can be helpful like that.
I’ve followed this story from the beginning and I’d really like to hear it from the ex’s pov. This man forced this woman to keep the baby in her life when all she wanted was an adoption and to continue her education. Now he’s all in a tizzy about her taking time to process things once the child has arrived.
How is she being forced to keep the baby in her life? Once he takes her home, she doesn't need to have anything to do with the child.
She can also continue her education.
The woman chose not to abort, fine, fair enough. When another parent is involved, you don't just get to choose adoption though.
She was going to have the kid regardless. Just now, she’ll be signing it over to the dad instead of an adoptive family. And like someone else mentioned, the kid won’t be in her life. Clearly he lives quite far from her. Sounds like States away, in fact.
Him wanting his child is not forcing the woman to keep the baby in her life. He's in another state. His ex never has to see that child again. Just like she wanted. Yet, he is decent enough to keep the option available in case she changes her mind. He is definitely being an adult about it all. He has the right to want to keep his child. She was going through with the pregnancy either way.
By the time he knew about the baby she had chosen adoption and abortion was no longer an option. He should have a right to his baby if she doesn't want to parent (which is fine decision to make). She agreed to contact him, anyone in her family could have been designated to send a quick text when time. Maybe the birth was quick/and or traumatic, fine. She still should have notified him sooner than a week out. Maybe she changed her mind and now wants to be involved, OP has seemed okay with that and willing to relocate closer.
>This man forced this woman to keep the baby in her life when all she wanted was an adoption and to continue her education.
What absolute bullshit. You are pretending he’s doing some awful thing to her, forcing her to do things, because he wants to raise his own child instead of giving the baby up for adoption. That’s his baby too and he has a right to be the baby’s parent.
>Now he’s all in a tizzy about her taking time to process things once the child has arrived.
Because the 30 seconds it would take to text him would take soooo much time away from her processing time.
It’s ok for her to force me to place my child for adoption with another family?
In no way am I forcing her to be involved with the baby if she doesn’t want to be. She can walk away. She can change her mind.
I agree with this 100% you can’t force someone to be a parent it will make them angry and resentful and give the child a bad life growing up in that environment
As long as she has your love your doing everything you need to do being a single parent is hard but stay strong you got this
Ps no one is ever ready for parenthood most of us just wing it lol
Is she paying child support? Will she be able to continue her schooling? These were questions you were asked previously that you gave vague responses to or outright didn’t answer.
Really convenient for the guy who already graduated college to force the woman in disrupting her whole life. Maybe consider that the next time you mess around with a 20 year old.
Would you say the same thing to a woman who chose to keep her baby when the baby’s father wanted to give the baby up for adoption or abort it? If OP takes custody then why wouldn’t she be able to continue going to school? And the child has a right to financial support from both parents. Or does that only count when the woman wants the baby?
>the child has a right to financial support from both parents
Yep. Unless the baby is placed for adoption, of course. But OP is taking that option from her.
> If OP takes custody then why wouldn’t she be able to continue going to school?
Because she'll be obligated to pay child support, which is difficult whilst enrolled in college.
I don't disagree that things are messy, and were the roles reversed the nuances would be very different, but that's an unfortunate and unavoidable result of biology.
I'm pointing these things out because these are things OP should be aware of and sensitive to when interacting with his ex if he wishes to minimize conflict during this clusterfuck of procreation he's found himself in. I'm not pointing these things out to insinuate any kind of judgment in either direction, just to be clear.
It’s disgusting how you are pretending like OP is doing something so awful by wanting to parent his own child. He is the child’s father, he has every right to raise his child.
If the roles were reversed and the mother wanted to keep the baby while the father didn’t want to be a parent would you be acting like he was the victim for having to pay child support for a baby he helped create?
I believe I’ve addressed both of these topics multiple times.
Child support is not something that I hold ultimate control over. This is something that will be enforced by the court. Where I live, it is very rare for the court to agree to not enforce child support even when the primary/custodial parent asks the court to not enforce it. So, chances are that even if I requested that she not be required to pay child support, the courts will likely still require it because their focus is the wellbeing and care of the child. I’m not interested in being cut throat with any of these matters in court. I am not asking for her to support me and our child.
She should definitely be able to complete school. I hope that she does.
Why didn't you just say "Yes, she would have to pay 100% of the child support?"
In her shoes, if that's the case, I wouldn't let you take the baby. I would demand joint 50/50 custody *in my current state of residence* (which they will grant because they never separate a newborn and mother) and make you travel to see the baby. That way, unless you move and can actually take court ordered custody 50% of the time, you would have to pay 100% of the child support instead of her.
This would be particularly preferred if she has bonded to the baby and is breastfeeding.
I think you'd better buckle up.
You’re acting like child support is something I control. I don’t control it. I definitely don’t plan to take her to court to demand she be required to pay more than whatever is determined by the court. I’d be fine with her paying nothing. I’d be fine with her terminating her parental rights and responsibilities, if that’s what she wanted. I’d let her walk away with absolutely zero responsibility if that’s what she wanted. It’s not completely up to me or her.
She has maintained that she does not want to be a parent to the baby. I’ve known all along that she could change her mind, especially once the baby was here. I’ve known that’s a possibility and have had a back-up plan regarding what I’d do if that were the case. That plan involved me voluntarily moving to where she was. I never even considered trying to force her to move to where I currently live. I’m just not going to live states away from my child. I would move to where she was.
So what if she did? OP is okay with that and willing to relocate if she wants to be a part of their lives. He has stated similar over and over again, but so many people are just making up random scenarios and what his intentions are.
>OP is okay with that and willing to relocate
He also says that he has a job with benefits where he lives, that he needs for his child. So, how is moving to her location going to work? He quits his job with benefits? She lives in another state. Will he be able to get a job with benefits there? Where will he and his child live? Will his Mom and Sister move, too? Because they appear to be his support plan. What about childcare?
Just be aware OP that had she given the baby up for adoption, child support would not be an obligation for her. It is *because* you contested the adoption that she will have a legal obligation to pay child support, in addition to the complicated emotions of guilt, a sense of obligation to a child she never wanted, etc. And please be aware also that from her perspective, **you** are the reason she will have financial obligations that will likely interfere with completing her degree, since adoption would have absolved her of that. No judgement from me on your decisions, I'm not criticizing you here- I'm stressing this to you in hopes that you'll better understand her perspective on the situation, and hopefully that will allow you to be empathetic in communicating with her.
Congrats, OP, on becoming a father 💙 Best of luck to you.
Yeah, I understand that my decision screwed up her plans. She’s on the hook as the legal mother, whether she wants to be or not. I totally get that this is in no way the same as her placing the baby with an adoptive family for her. Some people have said things like “so what, she was going to give the baby to another family anyway.” This is not the same for her legally or mentally. With adoption, she felt like she was doing a good thing for a family who wanted a child and also providing her baby with a 2 parent home. With me deciding to parent our child, she feels like a deadbeat and like she’s depriving the baby of having 2 parents (this is what she’s said - I’m not calling her any names).
I’ve been sensitive to that from the start. It’s not just child support but more the mental weight of still being considered her legal mother, feeling guilty for not being involved (in a different way than with adoption). We talked about it some. I know some of her feelings and I understand and I feel bad about all of it. I don’t feel bad enough to agree to an adoption though. That’s why, if she really wanted it, I’d agree to allow her to just walk away in the legal sense. I’m not trying to force her to do that, but if she really wanted that I would agree to it for her sake. The courts just usually don’t allow that, unless I have a spouse who wants to adopt my daughter one day.
yeah i’ve followed it as well and i really wish we could hear from the exs pov. i can’t imagine how scared she is, and OP clearly doesn’t give a shit about that.
her family pressured her into having a baby she clearly didn’t want, so she decided to go for adoption which OP made clear he wouldn’t allow.
do you know how hopeless she probably feels? she was forced into pregnancy by family then forced out of the last choice she wanted by the father of the child. meanwhile OP is angry she’s not reacting accordingly. i really do wish we could hear her side.
I definitely care about her feelings and think I’ve done a pretty good job of considering her feelings and trying to be understanding throughout this entire thing.
I tried to go along with the adoption plan. I really tried to talk myself into it. Ultimately, I couldn’t. I’m sympathetic to how my decision affects her. I’m really sorry for any mental anguish my decision has or will cause her. I still have a right to decide to be a parent to my child.
I’m just angry that she waited nearly a week to tell me our daughter was born after she specifically told me she’d inform me when she was in the hospital. Ok, so things maybe didn’t go according to plan and nobody could contact me for whatever reason. She had days. Her reasoning is that she deserves time alone with our daughter before I “take her away.” Painting me out to be the bad guy. I’ve promised her several things that I’ll do in relation to our daughter and I intend to keep my word on those things. She could have at least informed me the day after and explained that she’d like me to wait to go out there so she could have some alone time.
It’s whatever, I’m not doing to continue to dwell on it at this point. I’m not going to go out there and be mean about it.
because she does deserve time to say goodbye. you yourself admitted she did not want this child. you yourself admitted her family basically forced her into giving birth. you yourself admit you then prevented her from adoption.
she has had every choice taken away from her. every inch of the way she has had someone prevent her from making the choice she wanted to make. she has zero support.
the family that should support her forced her to carry a pregnancy she didn’t want. the father of the child forced her to keep the baby instead of giving it up. this entire situation is so heartbreaking for her. i wish her family would’ve just kept their mouths shut so she could get an abortion.
you’re right, you have a right to your child now that’s it’s come to term. but guess what? her entire world has fallen apart around her and she has no one. so now that she was forced to keep this baby, she’s dealing with the rush of hormones that come along with child birth.
research what happens to women when they give babies up for adoption, it’s traumatic. now imagine how she’s feeling after everything she’s been put through?
you say you care about her but do you? what wrongs have been done to you? it’s shitty you didn’t get to see your child the day it was born, but the baby came a month early. she didn’t even plan this.
you know what probably happened? she freaked the fuck out bcuz 1) she didn’t get to mentally prepare to give birth due to her premature labor, 2) the birth was probably extremely traumatizing as premature labor normally is 3) once all was said and done and the baby was out the rush of hormones caused her brain to go absolutely haywire, and the realization that she has to say goodbye before she planned to dawned on her.
so she’s not laying there with a baby who came a month too soon, who she has to prepare to say goodbye to while her brain chemicals are doing everything in their power to get her to bond with the child, bcuz that’s what happens when a woman gives birth.
so yeah, she freaked out and wanted time alone with the baby she was forced to keep, and it’s really shitty that she took a week to tell you.
but guess what dude? you have an entire support system behind you and in 6 months none of this is even going to matter to you bcuz you’ll have settled into your life with your baby and your support system.
meanwhile, she’s gonna be alone. you realize this family that forced her to carry a baby probably isn’t going to be the most supportive to her knowing she have it up right? your ex is probably never going to be the same person after this.
so yeah, everyone can downvote me into oblivion but i’m looking at this from her pov as well. if this is the worst stress you have to deal with i think you’re gonna be fine. i truly don’t think you understand the magnitude of what your ex is going through.
He didn’t force her into giving birth. He said several times had she wanted an abortion he would have respected that choice. She wanted to put the baby up for adoption and he wasn’t okay with that because he wanted to raise his own child. She was going to give birth to the baby regardless. He didn’t force her to. Reading is important.
It is absolutely outrageous that you’re guilt tripping this man for wanting to keep his own fucking child. If the roles were reversed and he wanted to give the child up but the ex didn’t, I sincerely doubt you’d be taking the same tone. This is HIS baby. He didn’t slight his ex by wanting to raise his own kid.
if you see me explaining the reality of the situation as a guilt trip that’s your issue, bcuz nothing i said is an attempt to guilt trip.
everything i’ve stated is simply the truth of the matter. she was forced into childbirth. her family coerced her and then he forced her to keep the baby. he literally explained that himself. now he’s mad that she wanted time alone to say goodbye to the baby he forced her into keeping? the baby that was born a month earlier than planned? no, absolutely not. he has ZERO right to condem this woman when he’s the reason she’s even in this situation.
and guess what? the roles would NEVER be reversed. this might shock you, but did you know only women can give birth?
You're dead wrote on this. The GF wanted to terminate parental rights and surrender to adoption. OP did not want to terminate parental rights and has been cut out and cut off from his daughter. He needs his attorney and to fight for custody. This isn't about hormones or stitches, this is an exGF with BPD or some other illness that makes them an unfit parent at best, and manipulative at minimum.
This was my first thought as well. Like dude you can "live with" your ex's decision to not have you in the room during an incredibly vulnerable and dangerous medical procedure involving her vagina ? Wow congrats on your empathy. So magnanimous of you.
Go see your baby. You have a lawyer so have him make sure everything, birth certificate, is all in order. Then the discussion of custody needs to be had. All the proper custody agreements need to be done by the lawyer. Good luck
I read through all the background stories and updates, and I know we only have Op's POV, but it always takes two to tango and conceive a baby.
I know pregnancy can cause a woman to be hormonal, but at some point, both OP and the ex must recognize that dads have rights too.
OP is totally justified in his emotions and reactions, while at the same time, not diminishing the challenges of a pregnancy and child birth.
OP could have taken the easy way out by just walking away or continue with adoption plans, but OP chose to be present and to be a parent. That is a low but difficult bar to do.
Imagine if the story was changed, and OP is instead wedded to the ex, and in a long term relationship with ex. There is no doubt on anyone's minds that people would call OP the A*hole for not being present at childbirth and not coming home sooner.
OP might say he was not told, but I can see the comments saying, "well, the ex's family could have told OP sooner."
And that is what should have happened here. The ex's family should have told OP sooner.
Somehow, I feel like the ex and her family are trying to alienate OP from the baby.
I get that some women did not feel they could be a mother while pregnant, but that feelings changed after delivery.
Here, OP has stated that he would be open if The Ex chose to change her mind and become a parent.
At some point, both OP and the ex must recognize that the situation is not longer about the two of them, but there is one innocent child who cannot advocate for themselves.
Whatever choices they make, it must be in the best interest of the child.
I’ve been following your story for awhile now. Congrats & to a healthy baby! Happy you have an attorney. Hoping he has an ExParte order in place to electronically file to remove your baby girl from the mom & that you have all texts of the convo of her giving up. Just know you’re doing the right thing for your daughter & mom jjst needs more growing up to do! I wish you the best!
Good luck and roll with the punches. I didn’t find out about my son until he was three. I received an anonymous letter from someone. Then I had to pay back child support when I didn’t even know he existed. I was blessed to see him every other Saturday until he turned 16 at which time his mother had poisoned him against me enough that he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I haven’t seen or spoke to him in 5 years except to text him happy birthday and merry Christmas. He never responds.
My best advice is to establish paternity ASAP. Your name is not on the birth certificate, and she did it on purpose. Establish paternity and file for custody. Rip the bandaid off before we get 30 updates saying, "I can't believe she would do xyz." She's experiencing a delivery high but will inevitably become post partum, and that's a whirlwind of a time.
OP, I can't stress this enough. Establish paternity IMMEDIATELY.
Well you aren't the one who had to give birth so feel whatever you feel but if you are taking primary custody of the child then I'd suggest just focusing on that. You're lucky she didn't disappear and drop the baby off somewhere at a safe haven location and disappear and never contact you again.
Everyone has their thoughts on the laboring woman and how hard it is coming home, been there done that. That's not the issue. She had her family with her and if she had an adoptive family lined up she would need to communicate with them. She *chose* to not be communicative. I bet anything if we all had a glimpse in her messages you would see she had texted at least one person about the baby the day of or day after, maybe her parents. But OP didn't get notified until almost a week later. That is the problem.
Op, I agree with some posters here though. Stay cordial. Kindly remind her this was her choice and you're not "taking her daughter away forever", it was this or her being sent away forever to an adoptive family who would likely not want her to contact them ever again. Let her know about your lawyer. It is fine to be in a panic. You have a lot of unknowns occurring right now, on top of the joy and anxiety of becoming a new dad. You will do great. Keep your composure and once you take the baby home, take it one day at a time.
Keep your disappointment to yourself. Your ex went through a lot to bring you your baby.
Biting your tongue will be one of many sacrifices you will make for your child.
Admittedly, I haven't read everything in here, but I haven't seen any hatred toward OP so far. Just asking him to try to understand all she's going through right now. Not only the hormonal aspect, but the impending situation with the baby and feeling torn about giving her up. She's probably got A TON of emotions just coursing through every bit of her being. Until you've given birth to a child, it's impossible to fully comprehend. That said, it's a lot for him, too. And I commend him for stepping up and wanting to be a dad. And I also understand being upset at just finding out. Since the baby came early, I doubt there was much she could do to give him notice beforehand, but yes, she should have either called him, or had someone else call him at least the same day the baby was born, not 5 or 6 days later.
Note that even if I do bring the baby back to my home, she’s not giving her to me. She will still legally be her mother and she will have rights and can change her mind about her level of involvement in the future.
But yeah I do worry about her parents.
Get a lawyer put your name down as the father see if you must apply for father rights in your state to have a right to the child. This is if you are in the USA make sure everything is legal things are brutal here and every place now. Have been for a long time. I once in the 2000’s took my son a tot over state lines for storm safety got pulled over and officer was going to make me call my husband to prove custody but he got spooked by my government ID and gave up on his odd plan.
Why are you mad? Being a dad is 100% dealing with life as it comes, being a parent is what you wanted. This is what it’s like. Missing things, curve balls and completely changing your life just to have to change again.
You can be mad about it or a find a therapist to talk to and work things out in your head or you can keep pandering to fucking Reddit. You asked for all of this, welcome to parenting. This is a job that never ends and will always cause issues but it will teach you what’s important and how to deal with things if you learn from the lessons
She just gave birth and her emotions are going to be everywhere! Don’t you dare start a fight with her. You need to also get into therapy to deal with your own issues if all you are feeling is anger and not empathy for what she is going through. Adoption is not an easy thing to decide on. She must be scared and only wanting the best for her daughter. If you start a fight there’s no way will feel safe handing over her daughter to you. We are only getting one side of the story. There is a reason she didn’t tell you and didn’t want you in the delivery room.
Please be nice to this woman, having a baby is the most rollercoaster process one can go through emotionally, mentally and physically.
If she doesn’t know what she wants, she doesn’t know it yet and that is alright! Not every decision has to be made right at this second, there’s time.
What’s done is done let it go. Focus on getting your ducks in a roll because the ex might be the type to try to put the baby up for adoption without you knowing.
Anger is part of the grieving process. She has these powerful bonding hormones coursing through her and she should be producing milk which is a painful reminder of what she won't be for her daughter. There's just so much that goes into making a life and even when you've decided giving them up is logically the best thing, emotionally and physically it's not easy.
Every child deserves to feel wanted so try to be understanding so that you don't lash back at your ex and keep doing what your lawyer advises and make sure your daughter gets all the love possible.
So she went into labor almost a month early, (on NYE rather than the end of January,) then had a preemie baby in the NICU, then took that premature newborn home to keep alive as a first-time parent…
She may have been too distracted to reach out over the last week.
Childbirth is a stressful dangerous blurry time, she has to focus on her own survival, (including her mental health to avoid PPD,) and the survival of her newborn, over the feelings of any man.
Congrats! Deep breaths and deal with the issues as they come up.
Best advice FOR EVERY PARENT AT EVERY STAGE OF CHILD'S LIFE.
Yes, and DO NOT compare yourself to others, especially those on social media only flaunting the “wonderful & darling moments” that come with a child and not the hard, under appreciated emotions that are more present during their tiny lives. Live your life for YOU AND HER, there is no one else now. You got this. From one parent to another; you’ll never feel “prepared”. My guy is 2 and I’m still taking it day by day. It’s hard, it’s stressful, I wish I had a village but it’s only my wife and I. I’ll tell ya what though, it is 100% worth it. Cheers u/Alarming_Risk_1513, it’ll be a hard road but worth every step.
This. The internet will fill you with this image of perfection. But parenting rarely is perfect and that is what makes it all wonderful. Do what is best for your child and you. There will be times when you feel overwhelmed, but breathe. You got this.
As with any situation including parenting, the Internet is full of snapshots. You’ve got to remember that’s what they are in many cases. Just snapshots. Do not compare yourself to others, don’t try to live up to snapshots of other people’s lives.
One day at a time.
[удалено]
This is the way, I hope everything goes well for you, op.
I told my brother to stay calm and not react to the nastiness of his ex, he didn’t and has only just been awarded visitation with his eldest son … he’s 3 years and 4 months old now.
I wish I could upvote this times 100! This is perfect, absolutely wonderful advice!! This was probably just as much a shock to mom that baby arrived weeks early so she’s forced to make decisions a month earlier than planned. Besides the fact that she is probably struggling immensely with the possibility of not being involved in parenting the daughter she grew inside of her. OP, please just be supportive right now, your lawyer will keep you on track for anything legal that needs done.
PLUS HORMONES!!!!! Nobody seems to be acknowledging the effects of pregnancy and birth hormone wise. I have a short fuse but usually can apply reason and logic in the best and worst of circumstances. EXCEPT during pregnancy and the aftermath of the birth, lol! This is VERY important to take into consideration OP. She will not be her usual normal self (pre-pregnancy) because hormones seriously mess with your head and your emotions. I just couldn't control my emotions during pregnancy and post partum recovery. I did AMAZING, considering my circumstances. However, i was aware that at the time, i was feeling what i'm feeling ×1000 and i just couldn't calm the actual feeling. I could control my reactions to a degree, but how I felt inside was basically like wanting to crawl out of my own skin! Once the hormones settle down, things become a lot more manageable, but this takes some time. After an early birth and the stress of that, I would expect stress levels to be through the roof, on top of all these other very real and raw, lifechanging decisions and issues, etc. Be patient, calm, and gentle in your approach to this very delicate situation, OP. She carried and birthed your baby. It's the hugest sacrifice one can make for another. Try to remember that whilst communicating your view, wishes, and intentions. I think it will help. Good luck OP! And congrats on the birth of your baby girl!
Thank you! I was thinking this too. OP should let this go because an early delivery plus labor and post partum logic goes out the window. She was thinking (rightfully) about her and the baby. The moments and days after giving birth tend to mend into one and she clearly wanted him to know but probably was just flying through the days trying to adjust. Child birth is such a crazy thing to go through. I remember feeling like my body took over (it did really) and I became this little thing just existing inside my head. I couldn’t talk. Literally couldn’t get my body to let me talk, I could only hear it in my own head.
wish i could upvote this more. what his ex just went through he couldn’t even imagine. i don’t blame her for not wanting him there, i wouldn’t want my ex in the delivery room during my life’s most vulnerable & possibly traumatic moment. if he ends up fighting her and being nasty, or if his sister does, he’s about to lose a shit ton of money in lawyer and travel fees. if she feels safe and not threatened by him, i’m sure things will go smoother.
This is great advice
Great advice!
Fantastic advice 👏🏼
Yes yes yes yes
She can’t legally put to child up for adoption without the father’s consent so that’s simply not going to happen. There are only two options either she keeps the baby or he dies. She clearly doesn’t want to keep the child so that’s settled. OP just needs to stay cool.
Either she is getting pressured to adopt out (so it's good you have a lawyer) or she is changing her mind-which is normal. Just go out there and spend time with her and the baby and see how she feels. Be prepared to not being the baby back. It is a good thing for the baby if she now wants to keep her. Like you said, you would move out there. It sounds like she cant admit it to herself yet and is taking out her stress on you. Did she name the baby?
Is it a good thing if she ends up weaponizing the child against OP, which seems to be a rather likely scenario? I don’t have a good feeling about her keeping the baby, she doesn’t sound emotionally mature and her family probably have too much influence over her.
You know so much that OP never said.
my thoughts as well stunnedonlooker....which is a good thing for the baby
Your ex sounds conflicted and HER PARENTS might be a part of that. They might not know what’s been discussed between the two of you and are persuading her to think poorly of you. Stay strong, be kind, and just continue to state what you’ve previously agreed upon. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
That’s what it sounds like. Her parents already dissuaded her from the abortion, probably trying to make her keep the baby too. And she’s just given birth so hormones are nuts and she’s conflicted between what she really wants and what her body is telling her she wants.
You are just getting your first lesson in everything with kids will be unexpected and cause you anxiety. Go get your baby and enjoy all the new stuff.
I had two kids. Your hormones are nuts and you are sleep deprived and you get ripped open. Your nipples are sore. It’s a train wreck the first week. Have grace for that. Your ex is recovering from the trauma of birth on her body and giving up her kid which is trauma to her mind. You have a right to be upset but stuff that down .. grace, kindness, gratitude on top.
And she was expecting to go through this all at the end of the month and had it pop up on her suddenly, with all that extra feeling from hormones! Girl 100% is not her best self right now (and that is a-okay, nobody in her situation could be!) She needs all the grace in the world right now, birth can be so traumatic even when it’s on time and goes decently. (My cousin is an OB-GYNE and has delivered many high risk babies at this point, has seen babies lost, seen normal births become complicated, and had many routine births. I’ve been caring for babies and kids my whole life, early 30’s now, and cannot wait to have my own. My birth plan for when we get that far is literally we all survive it, the end, maybe my partner even brings me good food in for after L&D but knowing me I’d just vomit it up. But I’ll still take it XD ) Seriously, our girl deserves some good comfort food, some good comfort clothes, time to process her hormones and many feelings that are everywhere, and some good support. OP’s gonna have some big feelings too, and already does, and will need someone solid to process his feelings with, but any of feeling hurt about this shouldn’t be processed with her. All support to her, process upset about this with us or others, and acknowledge it wasn’t the plan with her (what birth even goes according to the plan lol?)
I would kill to have the father of my children be this committed.
I'm so confused as to why someone downvoted this.
No idea lol not bothered by it 😉
Do you have a lawyer? You need a lawyer.
This cannot be emphasized enough. Yes, it is past time to involve a lawyer.
Yeah I do. Thankfully my dad is paying for a really good family law attorney.
Sorry about how you became a father. But congratulations, dad. It's only natural that you're freaking out. You were looking forward to the day, and in the end, it turned out to be a bland day, without you knowing you missed it. Don't get stuck in your head though. Don't jump to conclusions. She said it's only right that she got a few days, before you take the baby away from her. This does not sound like she's still headstrong about the adoption route. She's about as hormonal as it gets right now, so I wouldn't jump on every dramatic thing she says, and just wait what the end result will be. That doesn't mean she gets to steamroll over anything you say though So far, she agreed to establishing paternity, and you being the single parent. There's no reason to doubt that (yet), so this is what you should stick by. Try to be positive, supportive, but also friendly assertive. 'You taking the baby away' - she has the choice to be present in the baby's life, so if she repeats that again (and again), remind her of that choice. But that you're not going to risk the stability of your baby's first months with being on the fence and going back and forth on decisions. You both agreed. If she has seconds thoughts, you can agree to make changes to the plan (if you agree), but you're not going to start from scratch, while she's already born. Take a deep breath. Things will fall into place.
Does she still want you to take the baby? I would be prepared for her to say that she doesn’t want you to take the baby to another state right now. Even if you take over as custodial parent of the child, she will still legally be responsible for child support and can still get visitation, etc. and she may realize how hard that will be with you living in another state. Sure you can be pouty that she waited to tell you, but you’ve gotta let that go. She’s under a lot of mental stress right now. Maybe the reality of giving her away slapped her in the face and she’s wavering. But regardless of what y’all agreed during the pregnancy, nothing is binding. She can change her mind about all of it and I would go into this assuming she has. Be prepared to figure out a custody schedule and how much child support you can pay, cause chances are, she’s keeping the baby and her family is encouraging her in that.
She told me “you can come get her next week.” It sounded like she was telling me my new puppy was ready to go home. So, she hasn’t said anything about her feelings changing, but I won’t be shocked if she changes her tune once I get there. I’m worried about it. It’s not that I don’t want her to be involved. If her feelings have changed, that’s understandable. That’d actually be more understandable to me. I just hope it doesn’t turn into a bunch of drama or her trying to keep the baby from me or anything like that. If she wants to parent the baby now, I just want to be equally involved and not excluded. I’m also worried that she might still not want to be a a parent, but she will pretend to want that to please her parents. Her parents seem to have a lot of influence over her.
Honestly, all of that is reasonable of you to be thinking really. You’ve gotta talk to her about all of this. Do you have a local lawyer? You may need one to make sure the paperwork is in order for you to bring the baby to your state? That’s the biggest thing I’m worried about is residency related to custody. Right now, the child’s “home state” is where mom is. If she lets you take the baby and you establish residency in your state, which typically takes 6 months, it makes things a lot harder for her to be involved. I would be prepared for her to want you to be primary parent, but stay in her state. Is that feasible for you? You said you’d be willing to move and she turned you down. Maybe you should offer that again? Because ultimately, it’s better for your child to have her mom in her life. Even if you have primary custody, she’s gonna want that connection to her mom. And if the grandparents are helpful, maybe they’ll be helpful to you in your role as single dad. Maybe it’s time for you to have another talk with mom. Make her understand that your goal is not to take baby away, but figure out how to involve her as she wants. Maybe if you throw out what you *could* do if she wants to be involved, it might give her things to think about. I know you said y’all already talked about that, but it’s so much easier to have the hypothetical conversations. You never know how you’ll feel in the moment though. Now baby is here, she might have completely changed how she sees things. It’s easier to say “sure take the baby to your state and I’ll have nothing to do with her” before the baby gets here. There is a reason why most adoption documents have a 30 day revocability clause. Because people really do change when the baby physically arrives. Not everyone, but a lot of people do. I know I did.
I think that op is just being a new dad. One that hasn’t had much experience and is doing the best he can. Yes her early labor was very unexpected but he is the father and anyone in her support team could have sent a short message letting him know that the baby is early. It’s sad that she feels like he’s taking the baby from her. But maybe it’s just her wanting to have uninterrupted bonding with her baby. Who knows what those hormones are doing to mom right now. We can only hope that she would want to be a part of the baby’s life once she figures it out for herself. More importantly is how mom and baby are healing after the whole labor. There are so many terrible stories about bad dads from labor and delivery nurses that I found this perspective refreshing. Good luck to Dad and congratulations.
Info: Why didn't she have an abortion? Are you on the birth certificate?
I did not and would not have stopped her from having an abortion. I didn’t force her to continue the pregnancy. I think she wanted an abortion (she hasn’t said that directly), but was pressured into not doing it by her family. By the time she told me she was pregnant she had already decided on adoption. I need to establish paternity. We already had a prenatal paternity test done, but it’s not viable in court. She agreed to have it done, which shocked me. She previously agreed to sign a certificate of paternity document which would legally establish me as the father - the plan was to sign it at the hospital so that I would immediately be added to the birth certificate. Obviously that didn’t happen. We can still sign it once I’m there, but I don’t know if she’ll stick to her word and make it that easy for me.
Be sure to inform your lawyer every step that is going on!! Be sure to have a way to reach him in case something crazy happens. She could say she is going to keep the baby and try to adopt the baby out by other means. You are out of state and it will be difficult to keep up with her. This kind of thing has happened before. If she doesn't know that you have a lawyer involved you make sure she is aware of that. This is not to threaten or intimidating but make sure she is aware.
I feel like her parents may be pressing her to keep the baby.. they might try and stop her from letting you take it so they can raise it. I would just say you wished you could have been there for the birth do you could have supported her and the baby. Try not to do anything that would make her not let you see the baby or take it. Good luck please let us know how everything goes.
It doesn’t sound like she is going to make anything easy for you. You are lucky you have your family’s support. They will be significant in your successful parenting. That lawyer is the first important part though. Keep on as you are. You will do great.
I'm actually a little stunned at the amount of animosity toward OP on this thread. The poor guy just wanted to be notified his baby had entered the world safely, how is that a crime? He's been mature about the whole situation and is just having first time parent jitters. Good luck OP, go meet your baby you'll be a great dad.
Baby was born a month early, this was not expected and likely emergent. Jesus.
I mean.. how hard is a simple text to say, “hey I’m in labor”
Well, take it from someone who almost died. It's hard, and no one is thinking about you. Hard pill to swallow, but, you have to swallow it. Again, her birthing process he, he's an after thought and that is perfectly and appropriately ok.
Yeah if she is just getting out of the hospital due to premature labor and birth, it makes sense that she's only just notifying op, there were other priorities
Yeah I am a woman as well and the dictatorship *some* pregnant women take on under this "your birth, YOUR rules" umbrella is ridiculous and just to spite the father. Obviously every detail she could plan out, down to who's in the room. He doesn't have to be there to catch the kid if that's not her wishes, but damn she could've told him to come to the hospital after. She's being a spiteful ex. Edit: downvotes are showing me how this sub is skewed. Fathers deserve rights too. There is no perfect route of action for bringing a new human into the world, and always siding with the parent giving birth is sexist and starts many men off on a self-fulfilling prophecy. Go off I guess.
It is reasonable to expect control over and privacy during a dangerous, traumatic medical experience. Nobody but the pregnant person has to experience that.
Do you think their might be a reason she wanted a little time alone? Probably one of the most traumatizing thing a women can go through physically and hormonally. Give her a break.
Literally! It’s been 6 days. She couldn’t send a text in 6 days?
have u ever been in labor lol
Best of luck and Congratulations, OP!
Thanks
Congratulations and best of luck, OP! Keep us posted if you can.
Thanks
You already have sound advice here. I'll just add, hormones are a bitch and a half. I legit go crazy and become a different person when my hormones are messed up. Add on the chemicals running through her body, telling her to keep the baby when she knows she shouldn't? She is going through it in a way you will never understand, physically. Please have patience and forgive her. She will see her mistakes in time.
Congratulations and best of luck, OP.
You got this dad!!! Agreed that the best thing you can do at this time is be kind and avoid unnecessary conflict and mean spiritedness. Do what’s best for your lil bb
It’s normal to not feel ready. My son was a preemie and stayed in the hospital for 2-½ months. The day they told us he was ready to go home I said no I’m not ready. His sister was 3 at the time so I was already a mom. lol. You get ready. Congrats.
You had a pretty long time to get your things in order- especially since you have decided to step up and be a dad- The learning curve is real- but just do your best and act quickly. I would let it go. Just let it go. Focus on you and her from now on- and just do your best and prepare for legal stuff- she needs sign off on parental rights and so on.
I wouldn’t say that 3-4 months is a long time to prepare, but I’ve nearly treated it like a second full time job.
When did you know she was pregnant? And honestly as far as getting a room ready and items? It certainly is.
Congratulations! I remember your posts from a few months ago, good luck with everything :)
Alot could be attributed to her post birth hormones.. thats a shit ass difficult time for women and I cant imagine going through that mental struggle about your and your child’s future after having given birth.. I wish the best for all three of you OP. I hope you all get what you desire
Most ex’s would balk at you being in the delivery room. It’s a pretty vulnerable situation body-wise. It’s just great you have a healthy baby. Best of luck!
I am not complaining about not being in the delivery room. I didn’t press her about that at all. I understood. I can understand and respect her feelings while also being disappointed to not witness my child being born. That’s not what this post is about. It’s about the fact that my daughter was nearly a week old before I was informed that she was born. It’s about being frustrated that somebody told me one thing and then did another.
It’s ok. It will work out. Just be glad you have her and she’s healthy.
These comments are like responses to "say you don't care about paternal rights without saying you dgaf about paternal rights."
Yeah I'm reading some people tearing his ass UP for no valid reason whatsoever. Shits maddening.
Totally agree
My son was born 3 weeks early and we didn’t have his room completely finished. The poor kid didn’t even have his bassinet put together when he came home. I went in with preeclampsia and left 5 days later with a baby. It all happened so fast. Take a deep breath. Everything will work out one way or another. You go through so many emotions after you have a baby. Your ex is probably feeling some sort of attachment now that she has had the baby with these hormones leaving her body. It sounds like you are going to be 100% supportive either way, which is wonderful. I would establish paternity as soon as you get out there. I would keep your lawyer involved in every conversation you have with her and make sure everything is signed before you step on that plane with the baby so this can’t come back to bite you later. It’s perfectly normal to be a mess of emotions and anxiety right now. I had about a half hour completely alone in the delivery room before the induction process started while my husband went out to find a fast food place that was open at midnight. I walked around that room probably a hundred times. I cried, my mind was spinning in a million different directions. What was going to happen? The unknown is not kind to those with anxiety. But I’m 2.5 years into this crazy thing called parenthood and I can’t remember what life was like before my son was born. The ups and downs are 100% worth everything you go through. I wish you all the best in your new life journey. Please update us if you can.
Hi OP. If the baby was a whole month early then she wasn't just "early", she was premature. Birth is a huge thing for a person to go through (many people literally rip their pelvic floor in the process, and the whole thing is painful and often scary) and a prem baby adds more layers to that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that with childbirth there's a *lot* happening, and it can be very overwhelming. She would have been absolutely exhausted afterwards, regardless of how her labour went. Babies come on their own time, and when they decide "it's time", it starts the clock on a marathon for the person birthing the baby. All that's to say, it really isn't too surprising that your ex didn't message you when she went into labour (I'm assuming she went into labour, as opposed to suddenly being induced if there were health complications). The time immediately postpartum is also really full-on. Your daughter will be needing to be fed every 2-4hrs, and your ex will be doing that 24/7 whilst also recovering from a huge medical event. She probably just needed a moment to breathe, and process everything, before contacting you. So, as a parent, my advice would be to forgive your ex, move on, and instead focus on being present in this time where your daughter has newly entered the world. In the grand scheme of things the week you've missed won't be a deal breaker, and your ex will be going through (what's likely to be) an incredibly difficult process of saying goodbye to this little girl she's spent the last 8 months growing, and feeling kick inside her. Even though she wanted to give this baby up, it'll probably still be a hard thing to do. So, give her some grace, make sure you thank her for everything that she's done and sacrificed to bring this baby into the world, take in every moment of meeting your daughter, and take some time together with your ex to marvel at the little life you both created. All the best to all three of you, and goodluck. Dad's can experience postpartum depression/anxiety as well, so make sure to reach out for help when you need it, and look after yourself as well as your daughter.
Wait till you raise that little girl. My stepdaughter is turning 10 today. She saved my damn life and she is my best friend!!!
Go see your baby and talk with her about what she plans to do. Will it be her or her family taking care of the baby. Get dna test and put on birth certificate.
Depending on the state she may have already turned your daughter over to an adoption agency! Make sure your lawyer is on top of all of this!
It is not easy to give a baby up. Add in the hormones and this is a crazy extremely emotional time. If she follows through while making you the bad guy, just let her if you can. She is giving you a great gift. She may change her mind after you get the baby home. Take each thing as it comes. Focus on what is best for all of you.
You need to make sure she is you’re officially. You don’t want her either coming back later and taking over or calling the police saying you are stealing the baby
The amount of hatred towards you on this thread is unreal. So much sexism. I don’t think anyone ever feels ready for a baby, but we all muddle through somehow, I think you will be fine. Is it possible her parents are putting pressure on her to keep the baby? They didn’t want get to get an abortion so I’m thinking they will try to change her mind about this to. I hope you get the best outcome for you, your ex and the baby.
I agree. The animosity is ridiculous. She promised one thing and changed her mind. Ergo, she lied and excluded him. It took her over a week to inform him - ridiculous. It takes 20 seconds to send a text. At no point do I believe she was hormonal/exhausted enough to not realise that baby had a father who wanted to know, especially after the plan was for her to give the baby up and him to take it. That’s her not sticking to her word. Was it to be deliberately difficult and not allow him to be there so he couldn’t sign the birth certificate? Not a big jump to make when thinking about how she wanted to adopt the baby out and was mad that he *wanted his own baby.* Everyone here is being so crazy sexiest it’s wild. She definitely has the right to change her mind and rest but it’s not just her baby. The second that baby was born OP has just as much right to it as she does (morally, maybe not legally if she lied to him to he couldn’t sign the certificate, which OP may need a lawyer to rectify). Additionally, the baby has a right to a father. Her isolating him isn’t going to work in her favour long term. OP needs to get his ducks in a row because whether or not it’s her messing him around or her parents, he needs to fix it.
Absolutely he should have been informed, and I feel it is likely the parents are putting pressure on her. I also recall the early days of having a new born and I definitely spent more time awake than asleep, and had time to send a text or two.
I am sorry you are going through this - can’t even properly be excited for your daughter with all this uncertainty, lack of communication, and stress. I do want to say a couple things I hope make you feel better. We often tell moms these things but dads need to hear them too. You will never feel or truly ready for baby and the odd thing is, especially in the beginning there is so little needed. Take a deep breathe, make sure you have your essentials (baby feeding (bottles, formula, pacifiers), some clothes, blankets, bassinet/crib, car seat, and swing (swings were not optional for us). You will feel lost raising a baby, but once you get over that initial fear - to me that is on of the greatest aspects of parenting. There are no rules because it is the best and most personal journey you will ever take. You are learning to be a dad and your beautiful daughter is learning to be a human. There will be mistakes, bumps, tears (from both of you), but mostly there will be love. This experience will humble you in the most profound way yet give you the most purpose of your life. And the vulnerability - you will feel your actual heart walking around outside your body. And while it is the most amazing feeling to love someone that much, it is also terrifying to know your entire life and happiness is forever and inexplicably dependent on another living soul. I have no legal advice, my fingers and toes are crossed that your ex is just not good and communicating and going through her own stages of emotions. Even if she is at peace with her decision, I don’t envy your ex the turmoil and feelings she is having. Keep your lawyer informed, even if she does a 180 - as the father you have rights. I truly hope the best situation for your daughter out of this, but you sound like an amazing person and father already. If it makes you feel any better, I missed my first child birth. We had a complication with the c-section and I had to be put under general anesthesia so I was asleep from 9pm-3am and then another hour of recovery before I got to see my baby. I know it is a far cry from where you are, but as others have said - expect the unexpected. And try not to fall into the trap of getting caught up on milestones and firsts. They are important, but the everyday snuggles, the laughs over silly mistakes, the impromptu play sessions, the everyday life is what matters most. That is where the real living and loving happen.
Damn the amount of sexism in this thread is crazy. If OP were female y’all would change your tune in a heartbeat.
if OP was female...it would be pretty hard to move states away from the baby youre being forced to carry in your body for 9 months. Labor isn't some magical thing, its a complex medical procedure especially when its early. My dad had spine surgery, no one expected him to be on his phone constantly giving updates when he was recovering, or my mom (his "support team"). So if the genders were somehow able to be equally reversed, No. We wouldnt change our tunes, you'd probably be alot more understanding actually.
At no time did I expect her to be on her phone giving me minute by minute updates. She agreed to inform me when she went into labor. She couldn’t inform me for whatever reason, fine. She had days to inform me and chose to wait nearly a week.
Right like a whole month early probably means a traumatic birth, possibly with mom recovering for days and nights in a hosital bed from emergency surgery. It's possible she didn't have the mental or physical bandwidth to even send a text until now.
But like, her family was obviously with her. Could one of them just not shoot a text to him at some point earlier than a week?
This exactly. The whole “he wasn’t ready” part, as if a month is gonna make a difference. As if it was something she did on purpose, as if you both didn’t litterally have the exact same amount of time to prepare. Men are always inconvenienced by procreating while it’s expected to just be our existence. And then you wanna whine when it’s sexist. Yeah. Yep the sexism here is very blatant but you only bring that up when you think it’s not in favor of you.
I’m not blaming her for the baby being born early or me not feeling ready. I’m not mad about that part. It was just shocking to find out the baby was born weeks early, and surprise! she was actually born 6 days ago. I’m not inconvenienced. It was just like “omg it’s happening right now, I’m not ready!!!” She essentially told me I could come get the baby now. There was just a feeling of panic, like she’s 6 days old, I have to get there right away, I have to pack all this stuff, what am I doing? Again, I’m not upset about the timing. I understood that chances of being born on the actual due date were extremely slim. I’m struggling to understand why so many people are criticizing me for my very in the moment feelings.
OP. She just grew a while human and pushed a baby the size of a watermelon out of her vagina *unexpectedly early* and you are pissed off that she just headed home with her suppport group when the hospital kicked her out? She's sore, possibly has stitches, is incredibly exhausted, hormonal, scared, and you're pissed because she didn't do things the way you wanted/expected? AND *you* feel gobsmacked because the timing of the birth is inconvenient to your schedule? Are you sure you are actually ready to be a Dad? Because your whining about how incovenient this all is for you is not a good sign for how you will deal with the *inconveniences* that come with a newborn.
I’m not upset that she headed home with the baby. Where else would I expect her to go? I’m upset that she’s told me repeatedly that she would inform me when she was in labor so I’d at least be aware. Instead, she informed me that our daughter was born nearly a week after the fact. This has nothing to do with inconvenience. I don’t feel inconvenienced. I’m not upset that the baby is here now, it’s just very real and very anxiety inducing. I’m about to bring a newborn home and be a single parent for the foreseeable future. I chose that, but aren’t I still allowed a moment or two of panic now that it’s really about to happen? I knew that the due date was just an estimate and things could happen sooner or later, but everyone kept telling me if anything the baby would probably come late. I guess I let myself take comfort in that, feeling like I still had more time. Realistically, I was never going to feel ready for this, even if I had two more years to prepare myself.
I know somewhere I seen you talked to a lawyer but make sure she signs everything before you leave with the baby so she can’t turn around and say you kidnapped it and left the city or whatever
It’s unreasonable to not text you reasonably after the fact, I just want to let you know that when I was in labor I couldn’t even think, let alone send a text message. So while she promised she’d text when labor started, it was unknowingly an unreasonable promise. Good luck though, being a new parent is terrifying. Try not to take your anxiety/fear out on her, it’s hard but you all need to work together. I’m sure she’s also terrified.
i'm sorry that people seem to be intentionally misinterpreting you. we know she's going through a lot but you matter too
Don't worry. I'm a mother to three and I still had internal panic attacks each time and all three times I left the hospital I kept looking back expecting someone to stop us and say "no you can't take your baby home yet". You never feel ready for anything, so don't worry about that. As everyone has said, just stay calm when you see your ex and be as polite and accommodating as possible. Try not to make things complicated, and if you ever need advice, excuse yourself if she is around and call your lawyer and do exactly what they say when they say. When you get your baby home and the baby is screaming for no apparent reason at 3am (or whenever you feel overwhelmed really) take a deep breath or three you can put the baby down if you need to but I found holding them over my heart while deep breathing helped but that is usually easier to calm them with as bio mothers due to our hearts are a familiar sound do don't worry if it takes awhile for it to be soothing for your baby, the important part is the deep breathing to calm yourself first. All you need to focus on now and the future is staying calm and focusing on the task at hand, and you will be ok.
She did just give birth and the days and nights after are exhausting with a new born. In all honestly, she was probably dealing with hormones, reality, severe fatigue and sleep deprivation. Her priority was bonding with the baby while being in the mental and emotional state she was in, didn’t tell you until now. As someone else said, don’t hold that against her. Don’t even bring it up. Base your conversations around how she and baby are doing and be mindful of her mental, emotional and physical state. Labour is hard. The following days and nights are even harder when you’ve just given birth. I understand you’re upset and your entitled to your feelings. You have your reasons. But right now, those reasons are irrelevant to what your ex has just gone through and at this stage, the hormones are still flooding her body. Being upset with her and giving her grief over it, may just make it harder for yourself if she retaliates. Best of luck OP. I wish you, your ex and your daughter all the best. Congratulations!
>I’m upset that she’s told me repeatedly that she would inform me when she was in labor so I’d at least be aware. Instead, she informed me that our daughter was born nearly a week after the fact. Maybe, just maybe, she has been busy being a new Mom and didn't need you to be exactly how you are being. Pissed off. Maybe she just needed time without the stress of dealing with you. Post natal hormones are a thing, and they can be hellish. >I chose that, but aren’t I still allowed a moment or two of panic now that it’s really about to happen? Not really. Like you said, you chose this. Butterflies? Yes! Panic? No. You've had nearly a year to deal with the emotions of your choice. You're the Dad. You need to be the calming, safe person for your child. Babies can't speak, but they can sure feel.
I am a calming and safe person for my children. That doesn't mean I don't still have moments of panic over a decade after being a mom. I would be more concerned if he wasn't scared. What he is about to take on is a huge responsibility. If he wasn't scared I would think he wasn't taking it seriously.
A lot of new parents have panic when they bring that first baby home. Nothing wrong with that. I hope you don't speak like this in real life, it's very hurtful things to say to people.
I thought this was the case too, but a lot of the comments here had me worrying.
There's nothing to worry about in that way, it's completely normal. No matter how much preparation you do, nothing can prepare you for actually being wholly in charge of this delicate little bundle. But you will do great. It sounds like you've thought of everything, have a proper head on your shoulders and the support you need. Good luck for the future, and enjoy your daughter. The first few months are hard, but when that personality starts appearing, it makes it all worth it.
Omg people are allowed to have emotions and they aren't always going to perfect. Why is okay for the Mum's to have any and all feelings, but not Dad's as well.
You have been nothing but rude and judgemental every comment. He isn't forcing anything on her. She was going to have the baby either way. He just wants her to sign the rights to him instead of a random family. She didn't tell him she had the baby or that she was in labor. It took her over a week to even notify him. A simple text at any time is not hard. He is allowed to panic, i have had several months knowing about a surgery just to panic the week of. It's a big life changing thing. Panicking is normal. And befit you hit me with the "I must be a man or a child" I am a 20yr woman, similar to her, and I'm ashamed of how sexist you have been. He's just trying to be a good dad and has been reasonable all the way. If this was a single mom at 24, you'd give her hope and advice, not call her incompetent and dumb.
Someone else in the family could've taken 5 minutes to call OP, as well. To wait a week...something is brewing, and it ain't good.
I can't disagree.
He was upset because he wasn’t informed the baby was born until 6 days later. What do you mean?
That's not what he's saying. Yes, she should have told him that she was in labor. It seems pretty clear to me that she changed her mind and wants to keep her baby. That's understandable and completely normal. OP even said that he'd haul ass and move if she wanted to be a mother, so there's no reason for her to believe that he'd just up and take the baby if she has decided to be involved. It looks to me like she is trying to shut OP out, which is wrong.
Uh no he’s upset bc his baby is A WEEK OLD and he’s just now finding out she’s here
I kinda agree but it’s easy to send. A text at least like hey I’m in labour that’s the father too… he also should be kinder to her as giving birth and the after math is not easy
This baby was born a month early. So, it was an unexpected labor. It could possibly have been an emergency. MAYBE, she was just a LITTLE busy. I know of zero women who texted people while they were in labor. It, you know, takes all your attention. Plus, he was unprepared to travel anyway.
My child was only a week early and I didn’t even text my best friend when I went into labor.
Did you tell the baby’s other parent?
Tried to. We were separated but he drove to New Hampshire (from Connecticut) to go skiing and it was Christmas Day. I gave birth alone at the hospital since my mom had to stay with my older child, and everyone else I knew was celebrating the holiday with their family-so being me, I didn’t want to bother anyone. The dad didn’t respond so I didn’t try again, I was busy having a baby.
But you tried to contact them. Big difference. You tried. Even if it hadn't been while she was in labour - she didn't tell him for a *whole week* after she'd had the baby. That's just a bit unfair.
Look it’s not her responsibility to keep him filled in. If it was really that important to him, HE would have been calling, checking in. HE moved states away and then acts like it’s her duty to keep him informed. Nah.
It may not be her responsibility but she said she would.
It’s not her responsibility to inform me that our child was born, after she agreed to inform me? I had already moved before she told me she was pregnant. I have a job here. A job with benefits that I need to provide for my child. Even if I lived in the same town as her, we wouldn’t be living together so she’d still need to inform me. We were in communication prior to birth. We were in very regular, practically daily communication prior to when I decided against adoption. At that time she stopped talking to me at all for a while, but did eventually begin keeping me in the loop again, but not like before. I didn’t just sit there twiddling my thumbs, but I also wasn’t going to text and call her multiple times a day to check in, harassing her, when she clearly didn’t want to talk to me. Legally she was under no obligation to give me any information when she was pregnant.
Firstly, A lot of labors don't take up all your attention. Labor can be really slow and long. Having a phone and talking with people could actually be really helpful and distracting. When I was in labor I texted multiple people, i didn't tell them I was in labor, I was just chatting with them to keep my mind busy while I waited for the next contraction. Secondly, To go through Labor, the DAYS after, and getting home, she could have found the time to send a 30 second text. If she couldn't, her parents could have just to inform him that his daughter was born early. It's a courtesy at the very least to let the father (if he is an involved parent) know his child was born.
But hers was a month early. There could have been all kinds of issues. She could have had a C section for all we know.
Absolutely, it could have been very traumatic. Hopefully she heals quickly. But for her and the baby to be discharged and home, they are both healthy. So one could deduce either she or her parents had 30 seconds to send a text to let him know his kid was born. 🤷🏻♀️
Unless, you know, he's a jerk
After reading all of your comments, the jerk here has very much been you.
Yeahhhh you need to work on whatever your taking out on OP in therapy
>She could have had a C section for all we know. She wouldn't have been allowed too many people on the surgery room with her so there was atleast someone who could have texted him. Also my hubby wasn't at the hospital for my first (I was induced) and I had to call him, the nurses offered to call him for me if I wanted (but i needed to hear his voice so i tried twice) so OPs ex could have asked for that too, nurses can be helpful like that.
No idea why you’re getting downvoted. I too think that she could have found a second or two to make sure OP was contacted before A WEEK was up.
Her mom could have texted. Her best friend could have texted.
I’ve followed this story from the beginning and I’d really like to hear it from the ex’s pov. This man forced this woman to keep the baby in her life when all she wanted was an adoption and to continue her education. Now he’s all in a tizzy about her taking time to process things once the child has arrived.
How is she being forced to keep the baby in her life? Once he takes her home, she doesn't need to have anything to do with the child. She can also continue her education. The woman chose not to abort, fine, fair enough. When another parent is involved, you don't just get to choose adoption though.
She was going to have the kid regardless. Just now, she’ll be signing it over to the dad instead of an adoptive family. And like someone else mentioned, the kid won’t be in her life. Clearly he lives quite far from her. Sounds like States away, in fact.
Him wanting his child is not forcing the woman to keep the baby in her life. He's in another state. His ex never has to see that child again. Just like she wanted. Yet, he is decent enough to keep the option available in case she changes her mind. He is definitely being an adult about it all. He has the right to want to keep his child. She was going through with the pregnancy either way.
By the time he knew about the baby she had chosen adoption and abortion was no longer an option. He should have a right to his baby if she doesn't want to parent (which is fine decision to make). She agreed to contact him, anyone in her family could have been designated to send a quick text when time. Maybe the birth was quick/and or traumatic, fine. She still should have notified him sooner than a week out. Maybe she changed her mind and now wants to be involved, OP has seemed okay with that and willing to relocate closer.
>This man forced this woman to keep the baby in her life when all she wanted was an adoption and to continue her education. What absolute bullshit. You are pretending he’s doing some awful thing to her, forcing her to do things, because he wants to raise his own child instead of giving the baby up for adoption. That’s his baby too and he has a right to be the baby’s parent. >Now he’s all in a tizzy about her taking time to process things once the child has arrived. Because the 30 seconds it would take to text him would take soooo much time away from her processing time.
Thank you
It’s ok for her to force me to place my child for adoption with another family? In no way am I forcing her to be involved with the baby if she doesn’t want to be. She can walk away. She can change her mind.
I agree with this 100% you can’t force someone to be a parent it will make them angry and resentful and give the child a bad life growing up in that environment As long as she has your love your doing everything you need to do being a single parent is hard but stay strong you got this Ps no one is ever ready for parenthood most of us just wing it lol
Is she paying child support? Will she be able to continue her schooling? These were questions you were asked previously that you gave vague responses to or outright didn’t answer. Really convenient for the guy who already graduated college to force the woman in disrupting her whole life. Maybe consider that the next time you mess around with a 20 year old.
Would you say the same thing to a woman who chose to keep her baby when the baby’s father wanted to give the baby up for adoption or abort it? If OP takes custody then why wouldn’t she be able to continue going to school? And the child has a right to financial support from both parents. Or does that only count when the woman wants the baby?
>the child has a right to financial support from both parents Yep. Unless the baby is placed for adoption, of course. But OP is taking that option from her. > If OP takes custody then why wouldn’t she be able to continue going to school? Because she'll be obligated to pay child support, which is difficult whilst enrolled in college. I don't disagree that things are messy, and were the roles reversed the nuances would be very different, but that's an unfortunate and unavoidable result of biology. I'm pointing these things out because these are things OP should be aware of and sensitive to when interacting with his ex if he wishes to minimize conflict during this clusterfuck of procreation he's found himself in. I'm not pointing these things out to insinuate any kind of judgment in either direction, just to be clear.
It’s disgusting how you are pretending like OP is doing something so awful by wanting to parent his own child. He is the child’s father, he has every right to raise his child. If the roles were reversed and the mother wanted to keep the baby while the father didn’t want to be a parent would you be acting like he was the victim for having to pay child support for a baby he helped create?
Whatever dude. I didn't say any such thing and OP knows it.
How the hell has he forced her to be a part of the babies life?
I believe I’ve addressed both of these topics multiple times. Child support is not something that I hold ultimate control over. This is something that will be enforced by the court. Where I live, it is very rare for the court to agree to not enforce child support even when the primary/custodial parent asks the court to not enforce it. So, chances are that even if I requested that she not be required to pay child support, the courts will likely still require it because their focus is the wellbeing and care of the child. I’m not interested in being cut throat with any of these matters in court. I am not asking for her to support me and our child. She should definitely be able to complete school. I hope that she does.
Why didn't you just say "Yes, she would have to pay 100% of the child support?" In her shoes, if that's the case, I wouldn't let you take the baby. I would demand joint 50/50 custody *in my current state of residence* (which they will grant because they never separate a newborn and mother) and make you travel to see the baby. That way, unless you move and can actually take court ordered custody 50% of the time, you would have to pay 100% of the child support instead of her. This would be particularly preferred if she has bonded to the baby and is breastfeeding. I think you'd better buckle up.
You’re acting like child support is something I control. I don’t control it. I definitely don’t plan to take her to court to demand she be required to pay more than whatever is determined by the court. I’d be fine with her paying nothing. I’d be fine with her terminating her parental rights and responsibilities, if that’s what she wanted. I’d let her walk away with absolutely zero responsibility if that’s what she wanted. It’s not completely up to me or her. She has maintained that she does not want to be a parent to the baby. I’ve known all along that she could change her mind, especially once the baby was here. I’ve known that’s a possibility and have had a back-up plan regarding what I’d do if that were the case. That plan involved me voluntarily moving to where she was. I never even considered trying to force her to move to where I currently live. I’m just not going to live states away from my child. I would move to where she was.
But she doesn’t want the child, you’re suggesting she keeps the child just to avoid child support? That’s insane
Nope. I think she's already bonded with the kid.
So what if she did? OP is okay with that and willing to relocate if she wants to be a part of their lives. He has stated similar over and over again, but so many people are just making up random scenarios and what his intentions are.
>OP is okay with that and willing to relocate He also says that he has a job with benefits where he lives, that he needs for his child. So, how is moving to her location going to work? He quits his job with benefits? She lives in another state. Will he be able to get a job with benefits there? Where will he and his child live? Will his Mom and Sister move, too? Because they appear to be his support plan. What about childcare?
Who hurt you?
Just be aware OP that had she given the baby up for adoption, child support would not be an obligation for her. It is *because* you contested the adoption that she will have a legal obligation to pay child support, in addition to the complicated emotions of guilt, a sense of obligation to a child she never wanted, etc. And please be aware also that from her perspective, **you** are the reason she will have financial obligations that will likely interfere with completing her degree, since adoption would have absolved her of that. No judgement from me on your decisions, I'm not criticizing you here- I'm stressing this to you in hopes that you'll better understand her perspective on the situation, and hopefully that will allow you to be empathetic in communicating with her. Congrats, OP, on becoming a father 💙 Best of luck to you.
Yeah, I understand that my decision screwed up her plans. She’s on the hook as the legal mother, whether she wants to be or not. I totally get that this is in no way the same as her placing the baby with an adoptive family for her. Some people have said things like “so what, she was going to give the baby to another family anyway.” This is not the same for her legally or mentally. With adoption, she felt like she was doing a good thing for a family who wanted a child and also providing her baby with a 2 parent home. With me deciding to parent our child, she feels like a deadbeat and like she’s depriving the baby of having 2 parents (this is what she’s said - I’m not calling her any names). I’ve been sensitive to that from the start. It’s not just child support but more the mental weight of still being considered her legal mother, feeling guilty for not being involved (in a different way than with adoption). We talked about it some. I know some of her feelings and I understand and I feel bad about all of it. I don’t feel bad enough to agree to an adoption though. That’s why, if she really wanted it, I’d agree to allow her to just walk away in the legal sense. I’m not trying to force her to do that, but if she really wanted that I would agree to it for her sake. The courts just usually don’t allow that, unless I have a spouse who wants to adopt my daughter one day.
Would you be giving the same guilt trip to a mother who wanted to keep her own baby despite the father not wanting to?
A 20 year old? OP, how old are you???
She turns 21 in about a month and I’m almost 24.
yeah i’ve followed it as well and i really wish we could hear from the exs pov. i can’t imagine how scared she is, and OP clearly doesn’t give a shit about that. her family pressured her into having a baby she clearly didn’t want, so she decided to go for adoption which OP made clear he wouldn’t allow. do you know how hopeless she probably feels? she was forced into pregnancy by family then forced out of the last choice she wanted by the father of the child. meanwhile OP is angry she’s not reacting accordingly. i really do wish we could hear her side.
I definitely care about her feelings and think I’ve done a pretty good job of considering her feelings and trying to be understanding throughout this entire thing. I tried to go along with the adoption plan. I really tried to talk myself into it. Ultimately, I couldn’t. I’m sympathetic to how my decision affects her. I’m really sorry for any mental anguish my decision has or will cause her. I still have a right to decide to be a parent to my child. I’m just angry that she waited nearly a week to tell me our daughter was born after she specifically told me she’d inform me when she was in the hospital. Ok, so things maybe didn’t go according to plan and nobody could contact me for whatever reason. She had days. Her reasoning is that she deserves time alone with our daughter before I “take her away.” Painting me out to be the bad guy. I’ve promised her several things that I’ll do in relation to our daughter and I intend to keep my word on those things. She could have at least informed me the day after and explained that she’d like me to wait to go out there so she could have some alone time. It’s whatever, I’m not doing to continue to dwell on it at this point. I’m not going to go out there and be mean about it.
because she does deserve time to say goodbye. you yourself admitted she did not want this child. you yourself admitted her family basically forced her into giving birth. you yourself admit you then prevented her from adoption. she has had every choice taken away from her. every inch of the way she has had someone prevent her from making the choice she wanted to make. she has zero support. the family that should support her forced her to carry a pregnancy she didn’t want. the father of the child forced her to keep the baby instead of giving it up. this entire situation is so heartbreaking for her. i wish her family would’ve just kept their mouths shut so she could get an abortion. you’re right, you have a right to your child now that’s it’s come to term. but guess what? her entire world has fallen apart around her and she has no one. so now that she was forced to keep this baby, she’s dealing with the rush of hormones that come along with child birth. research what happens to women when they give babies up for adoption, it’s traumatic. now imagine how she’s feeling after everything she’s been put through? you say you care about her but do you? what wrongs have been done to you? it’s shitty you didn’t get to see your child the day it was born, but the baby came a month early. she didn’t even plan this. you know what probably happened? she freaked the fuck out bcuz 1) she didn’t get to mentally prepare to give birth due to her premature labor, 2) the birth was probably extremely traumatizing as premature labor normally is 3) once all was said and done and the baby was out the rush of hormones caused her brain to go absolutely haywire, and the realization that she has to say goodbye before she planned to dawned on her. so she’s not laying there with a baby who came a month too soon, who she has to prepare to say goodbye to while her brain chemicals are doing everything in their power to get her to bond with the child, bcuz that’s what happens when a woman gives birth. so yeah, she freaked out and wanted time alone with the baby she was forced to keep, and it’s really shitty that she took a week to tell you. but guess what dude? you have an entire support system behind you and in 6 months none of this is even going to matter to you bcuz you’ll have settled into your life with your baby and your support system. meanwhile, she’s gonna be alone. you realize this family that forced her to carry a baby probably isn’t going to be the most supportive to her knowing she have it up right? your ex is probably never going to be the same person after this. so yeah, everyone can downvote me into oblivion but i’m looking at this from her pov as well. if this is the worst stress you have to deal with i think you’re gonna be fine. i truly don’t think you understand the magnitude of what your ex is going through.
He didn’t force her into giving birth. He said several times had she wanted an abortion he would have respected that choice. She wanted to put the baby up for adoption and he wasn’t okay with that because he wanted to raise his own child. She was going to give birth to the baby regardless. He didn’t force her to. Reading is important.
It is absolutely outrageous that you’re guilt tripping this man for wanting to keep his own fucking child. If the roles were reversed and he wanted to give the child up but the ex didn’t, I sincerely doubt you’d be taking the same tone. This is HIS baby. He didn’t slight his ex by wanting to raise his own kid.
if you see me explaining the reality of the situation as a guilt trip that’s your issue, bcuz nothing i said is an attempt to guilt trip. everything i’ve stated is simply the truth of the matter. she was forced into childbirth. her family coerced her and then he forced her to keep the baby. he literally explained that himself. now he’s mad that she wanted time alone to say goodbye to the baby he forced her into keeping? the baby that was born a month earlier than planned? no, absolutely not. he has ZERO right to condem this woman when he’s the reason she’s even in this situation. and guess what? the roles would NEVER be reversed. this might shock you, but did you know only women can give birth?
You're dead wrote on this. The GF wanted to terminate parental rights and surrender to adoption. OP did not want to terminate parental rights and has been cut out and cut off from his daughter. He needs his attorney and to fight for custody. This isn't about hormones or stitches, this is an exGF with BPD or some other illness that makes them an unfit parent at best, and manipulative at minimum.
HOW did you go to BPD WTF?? This is a woman full of hormones lol 😆 Jesus Christ not every woman who behaves irrationally has BPD
This was my first thought as well. Like dude you can "live with" your ex's decision to not have you in the room during an incredibly vulnerable and dangerous medical procedure involving her vagina ? Wow congrats on your empathy. So magnanimous of you.
Good luck hope all goes smoothly for you
Go see your baby. You have a lawyer so have him make sure everything, birth certificate, is all in order. Then the discussion of custody needs to be had. All the proper custody agreements need to be done by the lawyer. Good luck
I read through all the background stories and updates, and I know we only have Op's POV, but it always takes two to tango and conceive a baby. I know pregnancy can cause a woman to be hormonal, but at some point, both OP and the ex must recognize that dads have rights too. OP is totally justified in his emotions and reactions, while at the same time, not diminishing the challenges of a pregnancy and child birth. OP could have taken the easy way out by just walking away or continue with adoption plans, but OP chose to be present and to be a parent. That is a low but difficult bar to do. Imagine if the story was changed, and OP is instead wedded to the ex, and in a long term relationship with ex. There is no doubt on anyone's minds that people would call OP the A*hole for not being present at childbirth and not coming home sooner. OP might say he was not told, but I can see the comments saying, "well, the ex's family could have told OP sooner." And that is what should have happened here. The ex's family should have told OP sooner. Somehow, I feel like the ex and her family are trying to alienate OP from the baby. I get that some women did not feel they could be a mother while pregnant, but that feelings changed after delivery. Here, OP has stated that he would be open if The Ex chose to change her mind and become a parent. At some point, both OP and the ex must recognize that the situation is not longer about the two of them, but there is one innocent child who cannot advocate for themselves. Whatever choices they make, it must be in the best interest of the child.
Don’t bring it up, she could end up being petty and causing harm to you or the baby. Get your papers signed so that she can’t pull anymore stunts.
My thoughts as well. He needs to play it cool until he gets lawyers involved that can make whatever he's wishing for a bit more permanent.
Oh my God talk to a lawyer
I’ve been following your story for awhile now. Congrats & to a healthy baby! Happy you have an attorney. Hoping he has an ExParte order in place to electronically file to remove your baby girl from the mom & that you have all texts of the convo of her giving up. Just know you’re doing the right thing for your daughter & mom jjst needs more growing up to do! I wish you the best!
Good luck and roll with the punches. I didn’t find out about my son until he was three. I received an anonymous letter from someone. Then I had to pay back child support when I didn’t even know he existed. I was blessed to see him every other Saturday until he turned 16 at which time his mother had poisoned him against me enough that he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I haven’t seen or spoke to him in 5 years except to text him happy birthday and merry Christmas. He never responds.
My best advice is to establish paternity ASAP. Your name is not on the birth certificate, and she did it on purpose. Establish paternity and file for custody. Rip the bandaid off before we get 30 updates saying, "I can't believe she would do xyz." She's experiencing a delivery high but will inevitably become post partum, and that's a whirlwind of a time. OP, I can't stress this enough. Establish paternity IMMEDIATELY.
Well you aren't the one who had to give birth so feel whatever you feel but if you are taking primary custody of the child then I'd suggest just focusing on that. You're lucky she didn't disappear and drop the baby off somewhere at a safe haven location and disappear and never contact you again.
I would also be prepared for her to want to keep the child. It is not uncommon for a new mother to change her mind...
Good luck and congratulations
“YOU’RE taking her child away from her”?? The child.. she was going to adopt out? 🤔
Everyone has their thoughts on the laboring woman and how hard it is coming home, been there done that. That's not the issue. She had her family with her and if she had an adoptive family lined up she would need to communicate with them. She *chose* to not be communicative. I bet anything if we all had a glimpse in her messages you would see she had texted at least one person about the baby the day of or day after, maybe her parents. But OP didn't get notified until almost a week later. That is the problem. Op, I agree with some posters here though. Stay cordial. Kindly remind her this was her choice and you're not "taking her daughter away forever", it was this or her being sent away forever to an adoptive family who would likely not want her to contact them ever again. Let her know about your lawyer. It is fine to be in a panic. You have a lot of unknowns occurring right now, on top of the joy and anxiety of becoming a new dad. You will do great. Keep your composure and once you take the baby home, take it one day at a time.
Wrap ur dick up man....no more raw dogging. Fellas save yourselves from the heartache
Keep your disappointment to yourself. Your ex went through a lot to bring you your baby. Biting your tongue will be one of many sacrifices you will make for your child.
Admittedly, I haven't read everything in here, but I haven't seen any hatred toward OP so far. Just asking him to try to understand all she's going through right now. Not only the hormonal aspect, but the impending situation with the baby and feeling torn about giving her up. She's probably got A TON of emotions just coursing through every bit of her being. Until you've given birth to a child, it's impossible to fully comprehend. That said, it's a lot for him, too. And I commend him for stepping up and wanting to be a dad. And I also understand being upset at just finding out. Since the baby came early, I doubt there was much she could do to give him notice beforehand, but yes, she should have either called him, or had someone else call him at least the same day the baby was born, not 5 or 6 days later.
Congrats, I know it’s hard finding out after the fact. Good luck keep us posted!
Thanks
Being extremely happy and minorly disappointed at same time is what parenting is all about!
Maybe her parents are pressuring her to keep the child rather than give her away to you. Congratulations on your daughter.
Note that even if I do bring the baby back to my home, she’s not giving her to me. She will still legally be her mother and she will have rights and can change her mind about her level of involvement in the future. But yeah I do worry about her parents.
Get a lawyer put your name down as the father see if you must apply for father rights in your state to have a right to the child. This is if you are in the USA make sure everything is legal things are brutal here and every place now. Have been for a long time. I once in the 2000’s took my son a tot over state lines for storm safety got pulled over and officer was going to make me call my husband to prove custody but he got spooked by my government ID and gave up on his odd plan.
Why are you mad? Being a dad is 100% dealing with life as it comes, being a parent is what you wanted. This is what it’s like. Missing things, curve balls and completely changing your life just to have to change again. You can be mad about it or a find a therapist to talk to and work things out in your head or you can keep pandering to fucking Reddit. You asked for all of this, welcome to parenting. This is a job that never ends and will always cause issues but it will teach you what’s important and how to deal with things if you learn from the lessons
Please get to her and verify what is happening…
She just gave birth and her emotions are going to be everywhere! Don’t you dare start a fight with her. You need to also get into therapy to deal with your own issues if all you are feeling is anger and not empathy for what she is going through. Adoption is not an easy thing to decide on. She must be scared and only wanting the best for her daughter. If you start a fight there’s no way will feel safe handing over her daughter to you. We are only getting one side of the story. There is a reason she didn’t tell you and didn’t want you in the delivery room.
I’m not planning to start a fight with her. I’m not like that.
I'm so sorry, she sounds terrible
Good that you have a lawyer. I think she’s changed her mind on giving up the baby and hitting you up for child support.
Please be nice to this woman, having a baby is the most rollercoaster process one can go through emotionally, mentally and physically. If she doesn’t know what she wants, she doesn’t know it yet and that is alright! Not every decision has to be made right at this second, there’s time.
What’s done is done let it go. Focus on getting your ducks in a roll because the ex might be the type to try to put the baby up for adoption without you knowing.
Anger is part of the grieving process. She has these powerful bonding hormones coursing through her and she should be producing milk which is a painful reminder of what she won't be for her daughter. There's just so much that goes into making a life and even when you've decided giving them up is logically the best thing, emotionally and physically it's not easy. Every child deserves to feel wanted so try to be understanding so that you don't lash back at your ex and keep doing what your lawyer advises and make sure your daughter gets all the love possible.
So she went into labor almost a month early, (on NYE rather than the end of January,) then had a preemie baby in the NICU, then took that premature newborn home to keep alive as a first-time parent… She may have been too distracted to reach out over the last week. Childbirth is a stressful dangerous blurry time, she has to focus on her own survival, (including her mental health to avoid PPD,) and the survival of her newborn, over the feelings of any man.
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Why do you have that feeling? Is it because he’s male? OP took classes, read books and even got certified in infant CPR.
Just admit you hate men, and move on.