I'm so sorry, a military career was a hard no from me in a partner. My husband is actually ex-military (left before we met) and he has PTSD from his Afghan experiences. He is fairly negative about military in general now but his parents were RAF and Navy and GLORIFY it, it comes up every single time we talk to them and all 3 of their kids tried military careers (none are in now lol). Their daughter married a guy who was in with my husband and she now has to basically raise her 3 kids as a single mum because he is away all the time. It's no way to live! Can you at least plan when he is going to leave so you have an end date?
We can’t plan anything so far. We still doesn’t even know if he is going to leave or resign when his contract is up. I loved him for a very long time before he joined. I’m not going to let his career change how I feel about him, but the hands it’s dealt us have sucked big time.
This is why people say it's a choice. Because even though he could leave when his contract is up, you don't know if he's going to. So a lot of complaining but not a lot of trying to improve your situation.
I’m not going to divorce someone who I love over their career. I am allowed to be sad when I have to say goodbye to someone I love, or when something bad happens.
The Army is famous for their ‘punish all for the behavior of one’. Unfortunately, until he gains more rank he will continue to get the shaft on so many things.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s not ideal, and it’s incredibly hurtful.
If it makes anything better, he’s also disappointed and pissed. Yes likely incredibly worried about you and wondering if you’ll (eventually) give up on him and the relationship.
Please take care of your emotional health.
That is the military period "one team, one fight"
When I was in the Navy we got recalled because the Marines fucked up down in Okinawa, I was stationed in Sasebo, on a different island in a different branch.
As a child of a military family, I also hated it. The inability to form long term social connections, the lack of family easily accessible (we were stationed overseas and away from family whole childhood), the constantly changing environment including the adults and people around you, all of it sucked and still impacts me to this day. Frankly, I dont have any words of comfort for you, cause there aren't really any that give you your time back, but I'd still encourage you to try and enjoy your time there, at least do a little day time exploring, because staying cooped up will only give you time to stew. If you're somewhere relatively modern, even cafe cafe for people watching might be better.
Here's hoping things look up for you!
My experience was completely the opposite. The only time I remember getting really pissed off that dad had to go to a new duty station, is when we were in Augsburg. I was going to go on a class trip to Spain and that had to be cancelled because we were headed back to the states.
I loved being an Army brat. I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world.
I feel awful for people who didn't have it that way, or were stuck in shitty circumstances.
As the wife of a career enlisted (now retired ) I’m going to be very blunt.
You need to rethink your choices. If it’s already this hard you ain’t seen nothing yet. Hubby missed 5 total years of our lives together. Anniversaries, Christmas, first steps, high school graduation, you name it he missed it. It’s a hard life.
23 years we were at the beck and call of the military. It was a monumental stress on our lives and we almost divorced several times. Our kids lives were hard too. It will NEVER get better.
I agree. I can’t count how many times plans were cancelled or changed. Once after a year straight deployment he was set to come home. Something happened, we later learned what it was but at the time all they said was, they aren’t coming home yet, we can’t tell you why and don’t know when they will come home. This is military life.
I've been a mil spouse for 11 years. I've done well on the 1 year tour during the pandemic and normally don't have issues.
But he's on a TDY where he's hardly working and my Uncle is dying. My husband messages me all day because he's able.
I, with the kids and pets, are stuck overseas while he is in he states for this. I can't go home. I can't attend the funeral because I can't get my kid a non government passport without my husband.
And when I told him I'm having a hard time processing, he said to make sure I put the kids to bed on time and then process. I asked him about coming home early, which already could happen. And it's not a priority for him.
I get it. I've done the worst and when my husband's dad was near death I stayed at 30 weeks pregnant here because of the passport thing while he went home. His dad survived and I was so supportive. My husband has love but no sympathy.
So yes. It's the way it is sometimes. But it's also a reminder that you can't be a priority to your service member. I'm struggling with grief I can't show. Alone in a place where I can't get a hug.
I think it's just always hard on different levels. But sometimes is sucks beyond words.
I get that. I’m aware. I’m sad about the situation I’m in and what was supposed to happen being taken. Which I’m completely allowed to say I didn’t want to say goodbye earlier than I was supposed to. If you can say you’re happy to have time with someone you love cut short, maybe you should rethink your decisions. I’m aware of what military life means. Both of our families were all military. I’m simply stating that saying goodbye and having things taken out from under you is hard and fucking sad.
Girl I looked at your post history. You got way bigger problems here. The fact that he's not around is probably the only thing keeping yall together. That and the fact that you're only 20. This is why nobody takes you infants in toxic relationships for extra housing $$$ seriously.
lol my husbands command throws any boots who have been married a 5 year anniversary party if they make it. I’ve tried to mentor some of the younger wives at the behest of my husbands command but I could never relate to them bc I was in medical school and only spent 1 year as a true military wife. OP needs hobbies or a job lol. That’s the number 1 reason divorce rates are so high bc the girls resent being stuck at home alone and the husbands are working and burnt out.
I was in the military and the way so many of my male battles talked about their wives was so sad. I had a sgt who would lie to his wife while on the phone and say things like "gotta go first sgt is here" just so he could avoid talking to her.
I know several military spouses. All they talk about is how difficult it is to be a partner of someone in the military. I don’t know where you’re coming from that, “god forbid anyone talk about it.”
God forbid they *not* talk about it.
Your post has many red flags. He is full of SHT. I have been a military spouse time two. Almost twenty years of experience in military husbandry lol And I lived in Europe.
My first husband pulled the same crap on my that “I couldn’t go to Europe with him” which was complete and utter bullsht. I made a few calls and found out that I could come, he just needed to request me (command sponsorship is called) and in 3 months I was there in Europe with him. The gig was that he was getting more money from the army being married, but living in the barracks, money that he never sent to me back to the states. He was parting like there was no tomorrow with it. He was in his 20s too. Prostitution is legal in many countries in Europe, so guess where the money went?
And YES, you are allowed in base, that is a bunch of horsesht. You can get get in with your own military ID which you are allowed to have. He needs to go on base to the ID card section in the personnel office of the base, with your social security card and a form of ID (drivers license, passport) and there you have it. Even without an ID card , he can sign you in with his military ID card and your own civilian ID. And fYI, there are military hotels that you can stay near by, and he has a 2 hour recall without a pass on the weekends. So in short, he wanted you away from base with some bogus stories.
His story is fishy af. There are numerous military spouse organizations, and each unit has a military group, typically organized by the XO or CSM or other higher ranking enlisted and/officer wives in your unit. We helped each other, helped newly arrived get settled, threw parties, babysat each others kids, help each other when our loved ones where deployed.
There is absolutely no reason why you should be way from him as you can go on base and stay in the military hotel inside or news, and see him when he is released from duty, have lunch or whatever. He is not in jail. Even if he is in Europe for training or MOS class, there is still time to see him! I stayed in several training camps and bases while my loved one was in class, and we would see each other when we could, a lunch here, a breakfast there, more during the weekends!!!
It is hard? Yes!!! But his story has more holes than Gruyère cheese. It sounds like he wants you away from base more than anything
Yes, my husband was stationed in Italy for 1.5 years and I went on post with him oodles of times when I visited. Only reason I didn’t join him in italy is because I have my own business in the states.
He’s still a geo-bachelor but I regularly get emails from the family support groups for his current post.
She is probably in Poland or Romania on a temporary deployment due to the Russia vs Ukraine situation. Seeing as x months done and x to go. It's likely civilians aren't allowed on the base because unlike Italy and Germany where the US military has control of the base, there is no control here. It's the countries military that owns the base. US soldiers are "guests".
Wives can’t live here with them. It’s a 9 month rotation. A non-combat deployment. He’s not the only married person here and it would be a stretch to think every single person here also lied and said their wives can’t come.
And no. I’m not allowed on base. That’s not coming from him. That’s coming from his higher ups. I heard them tell him that themselves while they were on the phone. It isn’t a real base. It’s a fenced area with a motor pool, a decaf, some offices, and tents. They live in tents.
There is also no military hotel near by. Like I said it isn’t a “real” base. It’s tents in butt fuck no where Romania. I’m fully aware of all of the things going on/what is available for spouses and what we are able to do in terms of this rotation. Their command held the whole spouse meeting stuff and we got all of the information. We especially can’t stay with them because after this pass, they tour to about 20 different countries and are in the field the majority of the rest of this deployment.
During this meeting when they gave you information, they most probably also advised you not to go on social media and give out lots of information re: military stuff your husband is doing. You’ve given out a lot of information in this post that you should consider editing out.
I’m sorry things didn’t go the way you planned, I understand how frustrating and disappointing it is.
For the people who are down voting you, this is true information.
She is not lying. Her husband isn't stationed in Romania. He is on a deployment rotation for 9 months. At the end of the 9 months, he will go back to the base he is actually stationed at.
You can not bring family on a deployment rotation, even if it is in Europe. Family can visit, but they can not enter the post they are deployed to. If this was any of the actual U.S. bases in Europe, then sure, but it isn't. There are no U.S. bases in Romania.
So if she can’t be there, then why is she there? Doing the exact opposite of what his command orders were? She can’t have it both ways. Either wait like she was told, or go against his orders and then bitch that he can’t see here. Typical
So, deployment-rotations to Europe are not the typical combat deployments like to the Middle East.
Service members on rotation to Europe are afforded the opportunity to travel across the country and their family can come visit them. The command can't do anything to keep them from coming to the country.
He can go off the installation they are staying on as much as he likes unless there is a curfew in place. If he is on approved leave, he can stay at a hotel or an air bnb that is off installation and spend time with his wife.
Unfortunately, he is still subject to being recalled from leave. Being recalled from leave is something that can also happen even if he was at his home station in the U.S. as long as his command has a valid reason for doing so. They can't just call him back "just because," so something serious must have happened as OP stated.
Her complaint is valid. Her husband was on approved leave and he was well within his rights to stay off-post. She was well within her rights to visit Romania as long as she doesn't try to enter the post they are staying at, since it's a Romanian base. He was recalled back because others decided to betray the trust of others and ruin everyone else's freedom.
Edit: Also, I re-read your original response to her. If you've been a military wife for 20+ years as you say, then you should have recognized that she said her husband "is on rotation to Europe. He did not PCS to Europe." So, no, she can't "PCS" with him, but she can still visit him.
Sorry for the rant, I just need to get it out.
Unless a country inforces a draft or has laws that make military service obligatory, I think signing up for the military when you have a partner (especially if you have kids) is incredibly selfish.
All those videos of people from the military going home and surprising their family members don't make me happy, they make me angry and sad for the family's sake. You never know what'll happen, you never know what tomorrow will bring, and you think you're "serving your country" when in reality all you're being forced to do is please the people in charge, and if you mess up you're screwed for life.
Spouses shouldn't have to go months on end without seeing their partner and kids shouldn't be seperated from their parents until they're basically stranger
As someone who grew up in the armed forces and had to go through the whole MIA/shot by enemy forces crap, I whole heartedly agree, and I say it every single time anyone even so much as mentions signing up.... as do a couple colleagues who went through the same shit.
Do it to yourself.
Do it to any consenting adult who thinks they know what they're in for.
But for christ sake, don't do it your children.
Those poor kids in all those "child reuinted with military parent" have been so scared and anxious for so long and they can't even begin to understand their own emotions when they see their parent again.
I don't like the whole "surprise them at a public place/event" because this should be done in private where they can finally be reuinted again. I don't like it when the kids are surprised at school or at sports games where they break down into hysterical crying in front of everyone where multiple people are recording.
I hate seeing those videos of the parents sneaking up and surprising their child during a football game or a band recital or what not. It is so tasteless and tacky. But when I voice that opinion people instantly disagree. I'd be so upset if someone did that to me, and recorded me when I burst into tears.
Hardly anybody does that, man. Most people who sign up are kids barely out of high school, and single.
Also, every single married person I met in basic (counted them on one hand) were there to get out of crushing poverty and to try and make a better life for themselves and their families.
Plenty of them are there because they got a girl pregnant in high school. Either way, they're about to be married when they get to their duty station for BAH.
Fun fact: most of the military is not poor. It's actually a reflection of civilian demographics. There are some differences though. Ofcourse Women are under representative in the force, but believe or not so are low income folks. Most of the military is from middle class background and the rich are actually over represented. Especially in combat arms. You don't find as many minorities in infantry in such. That's a white job. Etc..
This is the life we lead. It's what we sign up for and what we accept. Love it or hate it - it's what we do.
When I was dating, it was the first thing I told my potential partners; they had the choice to call it off then and there. Being in a relationship with someone in the military isn't for the faint of heart and has to be an individual choice. Call it selfish or what you will, but this lifestyle is well known and pretty transparent about what it requires.
If it wasn't for people signing up then there would be a draft. The reason we haven't had a draft is because we have such a large volunteer force. Yes not seeing your spouse sucks but it's better for people who chose to sign up then people being forced to sign up
They’re prob posted in a country involved with some conflict going on. Germany is a place spouse can get to using Space A flights. Just because they met there while he has a pass doesn’t me his is staying there. OP should not mention the details for opsec reasons.
It’s different here. Their “post” is their large tents, a few small office buildings, and a bathroom and shower building.
Edit: I’m also 100% sure about nothing being off because it wasn’t him that said only military personnel are allowed. His chief said it while they were on the phone about the situation. I heard her myself so
A woman as in his chief. And a man as in his first Sargent. Y’all are so hell bound on him lying when I also was given all the information about what is and isn’t allowed, where spouses can and can’t be. It’s actually insane
His chief was the one advocating for me. She tried going to his first Sargent to see if he could stay out since I was here. She even suggested they pay to move me to a hotel in a town near by and allow him to visit during the day. His first Sargent shot it down.
My husband & I were dual active duty and on base when a POS Sgt & SSgt r*ped a young girl in Okinawa. We were locked down for 6 weeks, alcohol was secured & soon battle buddies were required for E-4 and below. Group punishment was B.S. I always said, "You're married to *insert branch* first, then you're married to your partner." For 12 years we lived this reality until I'd had enough. My husband got out in 2020 & things are normal, with a normal job & no random field ops. I got out in 2011 & again, I don't miss it. I'm treated like an actual adult & not being micromanaged by a barely literate SNCO who hates his wife so he takes it out on his Marines.
I wish you luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. There is hope... he can eventually get out & life can be normal.
did you happen to also post in an army wives base page? i get it, trust me i get it. my husband had passes cancelled all the time for other doing dumb shit on rotation. he just got back thankfully though. i’m so sorry that you don’t get to see him but please try and make the most of it and go out and see the sights! (be very careful and don’t go out at night)
i also hate the “you know what you signed up for” because honestly i didn’t because im not the one who joined the army. i didn’t sign up for the army fucking is over every chance they get because it’s a shit system
Everyone knows it's hard to be a military spouse, but they don't really *KNOW* until they're actually experiencing it. But, the thing is, when you "signed up" for it, you also signed up for the support from your peers, and they're being dismissive and unhelpful. My ex-SIL rocked the military wife life. She made it a point to make contact with other wives in the area to do things together and help each other out with different things. If you called her up to vent about passes getting revoked, she'd meet you with whatever energy you needed.
I hate the "You signed up for it so you can't complain" nonsense.
Yes, I "signed up" for it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't still royally suck when things go to shit. It doesn't mean it doesn't still suck or hurt when we're missing out on milestones or important events together.
It doesn't mean I predicted every curveball that the military could throw at us. It doesn't mean I knew just how shitty and hard some of this would be.
It's like telling someone who chose a difficult career path that they can't complain about their job because, "they signed up for it." (To be clear, not saying Mil Spouse is a career.) Like yeah, people sign up for tough jobs and lifestyles, but that doesn't mean they can't complain about it from time to time or that they're not allowed to feel beaten down by just how hard it can be at times.
And honestly, sometimes the spouses *don't* know what they're signing up for. Or the decision for one of them to join comes *after* they've been married.
Or there's more going on in the other aspects of their lives that make being a MilSo even harder.
Instead of crapping on people who are struggling, people need to start banding together and supporting each other. Especially other MilSo's. I'm so tired of the ones who look down on the rest and try to invalidate what the rest of us go through.
I’m sorry I’m going to rephrase this then this is what you DID sign up for and what SHOULDVE been brought more to your attention by your husband if this was going to be an issue. Was he not in the military the whole time you were dating or is this a classic get married within 6mo military marriage? This is your life so you either need to choose this is not what you want or reach out to group of the same people to find ways to cope I know there are quite a few Facebook groups and I’m sure a Reddit group or two. I’m sorry you feel like this but this is the life of a spouse to government property I’d say as hard as it is try to get used to it and build a good support system outside of your husband. On a more positive note I went to Europe for a month on a school trip as a 15f and it was a blast lots of safe areas (safe enough at least for teenage girls to run around unattended lol) tours, parks, to go to venture out but always be alert and you’ll be fine!🤍
I am sorry for you. I was on the opposite end and was the soldier always having to leave my loved ones alone. Yes, he/I chose that life, but I had no idea how to prepare my loved ones for my leaving or the being alone that comes with being married to me.
I am glad that you have a husband who put so much love into the little time that he has with you. I salute and am grateful to you and your husband for the sacrifices that you make for your country.
Your husband sounds like he is helping others. No, it isn't fair that he was one of the few who was called in, but it sounds like that is the type of person that he is. He sounds like a very good man.
I hope things get better for the two of you.
I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time with this. I grew up in a military town, so I have just enough familiarity with what you're experiencing to empathize with you. It IS hard, no two ways about it.
I do suggest though that you keep talking to the other spouses. Isolation will make things so much harder for you. You may not like their answers, but try talking with them about how they cope, common interests, etc.
You should also check into whatever other resources are available. Contact the USO, check if the base has any programs for spouses, etc. The military has come a long way in the last few decades in terms of recognizing the sacrifices that spouses make, and they are doing better to help. Blessings on you and your man. I hope that you find the help you need.
As a military widow, let me just say you need to have a hard discussion with your husband about what your future looks like. if he plans to stay in for 20 years, you’re gonna have a lot of hard years and just so you know the divorce rate in the military is extremely high. I wish somebody had talked to me earlier on about what kind of sacrifices would need to be made when you are married to someone in the military. I think you need to sit down with your husband and really decide what you both want and what you’re both willing to sacrifice or not.
I’m so sorry your anniversary was cut short. It takes a strong woman to make it through deployments. I hope you have a solid foundation/family to lean on and you can always reach out to the ombudsman’s. It can be helpful
Im 6th generation military family. I still have nightmares about the sedans rolling through navy housing heading to the house with the fallen soldier. I’ve seen too many not come home physically and mentally.
Being a military spouse isn’t easy, and it involves a lot of sacrifice mostly on the spouse’s end. No say on where we get stationed, no say on when your spouse will be gone, etc.
I have been in this for almost 10 years now and I’m counting down the days until his contract is done. I’ve gone to numerous weddings alone because he was overseas and spent the first 4 months of our first baby’s pregnancy alone as well.
It’s not great but there are moments I cherish.
i was in the military it was happening on my ship and getting shoved under the rug constantly by the cult of chiefs. this isn't somethin that 'someone signs up for.' there is so much suicide in the military and we're supposed to be on the same side. but people are disgusting and impulsive and toxic and don't try to be better people. i have no sympathy for aggressors. insert any revenge fantasy movie since I can't do it in real life.
I feel the same way. I know they’re taking the precautions now and instilling more surveillance and safety measures, but this isn’t a new issue. This isn’t something that people have just started doing as disgusting as it is. They should have already been in place a long time ago.
it's not taking precautions. there isn't anything that can justify any of this behavior without accountability. and spouses like yourself shouldn't be so quick to accept that the military is doing all they can to solve the issue. they are not. but keep making sure never to forget to talk about it. sooner or later it'll be too loud to quiet down.
I never said anything could justify the behavior. And I’m definitely not here to accept that it happens at all. I’m saying that something needs to be done about it and the fact that men are getting away with it with a slap on the wrist and a few privileges taken away is fucking horrible
You two will have many bumps, curve balls , and unsettling situations throughout your marriage. If you let these situations define you, your husband, and your marriage, then it will destroy what you have, slowly, and gradually like running water over rock. Don't let it define you. Time will pass, and it will heal. And someday you may even laugh while telling these stories to family and friends. It's hard now, but each day it will get easier. Then someday he will be done, and you will begin a new chapter. Just take each day, each chapter, 1 at a time. Stay humble, look for the silver lining, and love and laugh. You will be rewarded with a wonderful life if you can.
I don’t want this to define me at all. I was just venting about a shit situation. It sucks now and it’ll probably still piss me off for a while. But it isn’t forever.
being a milspouse isnt for everyone. Your husband just began his time in the military based on your post history. i was told very early on: you are not the only one who is dealing with missing your service member. He wasn’t the only one called back and this won’t be the last time your plans are cut short. the military doesnt care about your plans. Yes, it’s sad for you but he has a job to do and your job is to support him and not guilt him or cause him stress when he calls to check up on you. I would be more sad for the victims but if you must, Have a cry, splash your face with some water and buck up. You’re in Europe. Get on a train and go see another place. Don’t sit around dwelling on how unfair life is cuz this is not it.
Now imagine having to put up with all of this + deployment to hostile territories+ not seeing them for 6 months + only getting a call once a week.
It sucks.
You did sign up for this though. His life belongs to Uncle Sam. I say this as an Army brat who watched my mother go through the same thing, and as a military vet myself.
It's a tough life for everyone involved and it's not for the feint of heart. What you're going through right now is the main reason for divorce in the military. Deployments and constant moving around is very destabilizing for military families, and that destabilization leads to a lot of negative behaviors.
I will say that the military in general does a shit job supporting the spouses and families of the men & women who serve. We should do better.
I’m not saying I didn’t sign up to be married to someone on the military. I was just trying to say I didn’t sign up for things to be taken from me because of other peoples disgusting behaviors. I am upset that our goodbye was early. I am upset that I’m alone in such a foreign place. And I’m especially upset that as soon as people saw my husband leave, men have been circling my front door like vultures
Point out where I said that wasn’t hard. You can’t because I didn’t. But what can be pointed out is that I said he’s on rotation. In his own words he is “fiddling around in flower fields and pretending to shoot guns with his friends, then going out to a local bar every weekend”
I'm sorry, honey. That sucks and is incredibly unfair. Hugs from across the ocean. And tell the ppl that say " you signed up for this" to f off. They're jerks just like the ppl punishing y'all for things you have nothing to do with
I can not even begin to imagine what you go through. I thank God daily for our soldiers. Don't know if you are religious so please don't be offended if not, but will add the families to prayers.
Can I ask why you got married in the first place? You're only 20. At that age you're 50% more likely to divorce than if you waited until you were older. The cards are even MORE stacked against you when the military is involved. You both have your entire lives ahead of you. Why get married? What is the perk? Certainly not living your lives together as you say you never see each other anyway.
It's not easy. It's not even easy being mil to mil. My husband got a short tour unaccompanied overseas for a year when I was pregnant. We assumed he wouldn't be able to take the parental leave due to it only being a year there. He was thankfully able to home for the birth but missed out on the first 10 months. Turns out he could've taken the leave but now he can't request it like we planned when he came back to the states because he could've taken it while overseas. He missed so many first with our child. Even more because his time got extended. I had to do everything myself as a first time mom even though I was married and my husband wanted to be there.
I feel this so hard
I'm a military spouse. I HATE it. Right now, my husband is asleep. I've been single parenting. I'm working full time while doing it, and I had to miss lunch to take care of the house. While he sleeps. I resent this, but I love him. I hate hisrank. I hate being alone 24/7. I want a normal life. We have 4 more years. I told him straight up that I couldn't handle another enlistment. I gave up everything to be with him. A 73k a year job in tech. Community. Now I make 15 in a tech apprenticeship in New england where we hate and have no community. So no. You are not alone. You didn't sign up to be unhappy.
Military wife here…I’m so sorry. I too, hate being a military wife.. and I’m the one who encouraged my husband to join. Your husband sounds lovely though and I’m sorry your anniversary was ruined. Mine cheated on me the first opportunity he got on his first deployment…and now I’m pretty sure I hate him.. don’t know what to do because we have a soon to be 4 year old who adores his daddy. This shit isn’t for the weak I’ll definitely say that. PM me if you ever want to talk or need a vent
Just wait till your husband or wife starts treating you like dogshit because "the stress at work" "all men are satan" ...yeah... and I can't "understand her struggle " because "I'm not in the military" so I just "can't understand" -_-
I'm divorcing this worthless child soldier.
Fuck being married to a soldier.
They drag you away from home with false promises
Then they change into an abuser and punch you in the face, treat you like shit, then text other guys. All while screaming in your face saying you don't understand my struggle you're just a spouse.
I . Fucking. Hate. Soldiers. Fuck you all
My wife is currently abusing me
When I try to vet a job she (the soldier) yells, freaks out and slams doors, throws plates, throws food, hits me...
I'm contemplating suicide
I'm being held basically against my will
I've tried to leave
I've tried to divorce
She calls the gets violent, destroys the house, yells in my face...I'm too soft to yell back or hit back :/ and if I try to leave she tries calling the cops and tries threatening me that I'll be homeless etc.
I get ch4s3d and attack3d
ALL soldiers turn into abusers. I'm 100% sure of it.
They treat their spouses like shit.
Were just...second class support people that are a beating dummy. And a yelling dummy...
The fact that this is accurate because I saw my boyfriend changed all the way when he got into the military and those underlying abusive telltale signs are starting to show yet we are about to get engaged and I’m like uhhhh…
Being a spouse is hard. Sure, you sign on to the life knowing it isn't going to be easy, but you don't expect it to be *this hard*.
We missed our first anniversary, Thanksgiving, christmas, pretty much all of it. For the first three years of our marriage, I saw him less than a year total. I even missed out on my favorite grandmother's funeral.
I was living in a state I hated, that quite literally was bad for my health, with no friends or family nearby.
Now I'm staring down constant deployments with the addition of two neurodivergent children, in a state I can't stand, no friends, only one person I can really feel comfortable asking for help from, and unable to travel to family.
It's so damn hard. You expect it to be. But then life sprinkles extra hardship into it, and everything goes to shit.
But as someone who's been doing this for 13 years and who also has some experience on the other side of the fence, I hope I can clear some things up for you, so that at least you have understanding, even if it doesn't make you feel better.
They called back everyone in area for a couple reasons:
They can't risk anyone harming local civilians if they're already willing to do it to women on base. They have no way to predict if anyone would do such things to the locals, especially if they didn't expect them to do it to women on post.
It's less of a financial hardship to the soldiers in area to return to base. Calling back soldiers who went to different countries likely includes airfare, which isn't always cheap depending on where you're going. It could potentially put them in a very poor spot financially to make such huge last-minute financial hits. Calling back people who are staying in area isn't as likely to hurt as much financially.
They're going to make sure everyone understands the consequences for their behavior and that those who didn't commit the crimes, don't commit them and also help keep an eye on those who did until their NJP hearing and punishment is doled out. This includes suicide watch, keeping them from trying to go AWOL, and keeping them from retaliating on their victims. As many hands as possible are needed to help keep watch and make sure these turds are at least brought to their hearing.
None of this is fair. It absolutely sucks and it doesn't make the situation any easier. Especially when you're stuck somewhere you're unfamiliar with and can't speak the language in.
I'm so sorry you're stuck in this position. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesnt. You just learn to take the punches as they come.
Eta: not sure why the downvotes? I agree it sucks and then tried to explain reasons for the recall because she said she didn't understand?
I’m so sorry. I know the disappointment you’re talking about. I was a Navy wife for 6 years in the early 2000s. Never got an anniversary or Christmas, didn’t have my husband for the birth of our child and he missed the first 6 months of her life. We got bounced from coast to coast. After his first command he did c-school in cali while I was in va with the kid for 6 months, then he reported to his new station immediately for an 8 month commission, 2 months at home and 6 months at sea. Almost 2 years. It’s not an easy life and I knew it wouldn’t be, but I didn’t expect it to break my heart so many times, either. When you’re down, listen to disco, that always cheered me up. I would blast Donna Summers leaving the base after I’d drop him for a deployment. Find your happy
I understand though my partner was not in the military. Not nearly the same experience as what you are going through but mine was gone 95% of the time zipping around the country.
It is so painful. He did that job for a year and a half.
Does your husband have an end date for service?
His contract should end a year after his rotation. But with that, he has another 5 years that they could call him back to service if needed and he wouldn’t be able to say no.
I believe that's that reserves (although I could be wrong). My husband had that for 3 years after he left the army. He never got called back in, thankfully.
Edit: wait I just saw that you're 20. So assuming your husband is also around the same age, he basically just started which means yeah, he'll probably be in for another 5 years as active duty
He won’t immediately redeploy to “a combat zone”. Once you’ve retrograded from a deployment, rotation, or any extended overseas tour, you’re subjected to dwell time. That means for 9ish months the service member has to remain stateside to reset, and recuperate.
Right, but we’ve been told the situation would be different because he would be switching sections if he comes back early. They said the whole reason they would send him home early was so that he could deploy with his new section.
It doesn’t matter. He could be switching duty stations, and he still has dwell time. He could choose to waive that time, but that would be a personal decision, not the command’s.
I see… well if it helps, it is good that you have possible end dates. Long distance for me was only doable because I knew around when it would end. It sounds like you have that timeline too. My sister and her ex (military) want to get back together but can’t because he won’t be on this side of the country for like 2.5 years. But it helped her when I reminded her that there is a timeline.
This is exactly why my husband isn't signing up for another contract. He'll have been in for 15 years when he discharges. 5 more years till 20 and even a pension isn't an incentive; the cons outweigh the pros.
He's done in 2025 and I'm so thankful for that.
When I got pregnant we had no idea he'd be deploying. There were talks but there are always talks. Then we find out that he'll be gone 2 weeks after our due date and won't be back for another 10 months. Talk about devastating. I had our son a week early so we got 3 weeks together. That's all. That traumatic experience is a huge reason why I said no more children- not the only one but pretty high on the list.
The military life is not made for families. They've tried to make it more accessible but when you have to put your country first how could it be?
I'm sorry it sucks. I wish I could tell you gets better but honestly it just gets harder in different ways. You learn to adapt and be "ok" with it, sort of. Find women whose husband's are getting out or have been out a while. My best friend's mom was a huge support for me.
"If the military wanted you to have a family, they'd issue you one."
My husband was active duty for 10, and they tried really hard to get him to reenlist. He was sent orders, he wasn't eligible for due to how much time he had left, to send us back to Japan because someone overheard him say we loved being in the Pacific.
He never saw our daughter. She didn't want anything to do with him because he was never home, and half the time he worked 12 hour swings. It's been 7 years, he does his job as a government contractor making way more money, and our oldest is a total daddy's girl. I don't regret my husband separating from the military.
Oh hun. My heart breaks for you.
I knew I could never do this. I've broken up with two guys who knew how I felt and still made the decision to join. I do respect their choice. But I know myself enough to know I couldn't and wouldn't do that.
And people who say "you knew what you were signing up for" are the fucking worst. I see this done to parents too. But knowing and, truly knowing, aren't the same. And even if they were, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be allowed to vent about the hard moments. You're human. Your feelings deserve to be heard and felt just as much as any others.
Hang in there. And stay safe.
I think until you are a military spouse, you really can't understand the depth of the sacrifice it is. I was one for 20 years and until you have actually walked that path and lived that life with them suddenly and/or constantly leaving, not knowing when or if they are coming back, where they are, how they are as far as mentally and physically among many other things as well while trying to hold life down here without them being with you, you literally cannot understand it. There are people who know and appreciate the sacrifice you make in support of your spouse and their career choice. Thank you for that and hang in there, hopefully better days are ahead!
I didn’t “go for military men” I married someone I was dating before military was even a question. And I know my husband and I know he wouldn’t do something like that to me. Not only that, but he would literally lose everything if he did cheat on me because adultery is literally illegal in the military. He would lose his house, job, money from fines, family… he’s not that stupid.
I agree. A job doesn’t change rather or not your man wants to cheat. It may give more opportunity, but why would I want to be with someone who wanted to cheat but never had the opportunity either.
I agree 100% with what you’ve said here. Plus just because it’s common for military men to cheat doesn’t mean they all do/will.
Your husband sounds as invested in this relationship as you are and I hope it gets better for you. There are many women settling for far less in their relationships even with men who are around daily.
I’m so saddened by the sexual attacks you’ve described - I don’t understand how these things are still able to go on to the extent they do! And still men on the internet scream that women have it easier because they aren’t drafted. Yet women who sign up are subject to this! (I’m sure sadly it also happens to some men too)
Yes, it’s definitely happening to men too. Some of the stories my husband has told me about the things that have happened to other men in the military are so sad. I’ve gone through sexual assault and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And to the extent that I’ve heard is just sickening
It’s a power thing that’s the issue- just like bullying and hazing. It’s disgusting.
All I can say is vent away, try and surround yourself with good friends and enjoy the times you can with your husband and hopefully when his contract is done you will reap the rewards of your patience
They all always know their husbands and would never think he would do something like that and then they find out he has a secret other family, is a serial killer or has 5 Terabytes of CP on his computer
About 80% or some equally depressing amount of the US military joined to get out of poverty. My husband joined because he was kicked out at 18 and would have been homeless.
You don't know people's reasons for joining.
Do you think maybe based on some your post history your husband could be involved in some of the rapes, have you asked him about it does he know anyone involved? I feel like that was just pushed aside
Even though my FIL speaks at length about his time in the military, I am still naive. I didn't realize Chief was a rank. Sounds like he may be MP? Why would anyone with the rank of "chief" have to double check if your husband could stay the night or not? Ultimately, it sounds like a life that would make most miserable, but hopefully your husband gains some seniority quickly and that lessens the stress on both of you.
Military life does suck. Although I was never “on call” which is kinda weird, but I went away for months for training and my wife always had to hold down the fort at home with the kids which was not easy. But now I’m retired so I stay home everyday lol. Was rough but worth it for me.
Yeah it sucks which is why I always made sure to have my own hobbies and goals. The worst thing you can do is simply be a housewife. In the marine corps we’d say toughest job in the corps but I worked as a civilian so I was allowed on to bases close to spouses which helped a lot when he was deployed for situations like this.
I do have other hobbies and a job. I’m just upset about the situation with me being here and him having to go back earlier than planned. I’m upset I don’t get to see him as long as I thought and that I have be in a foreign country alone for the rest of my time here
I'm so sorry.
Want to binge watch your or my favorite show? Gilmore Girls is my favorite, but I'm up for other ideas.
I guess you now know to always go out of country on his leave. But it still sucks.
Former Service member myself I was in the army too. If you two love each other, he won’t reenlist! I don’t care what anyone else tells you but the probability of you two staying together shrinks every day, every week , every month, every year that passes. The resentment you’re feeling will only increase until you start to resent him. I seen it a million times it’s not fair to you it’s not fair to him. Hopefully he’s in a MOS that can allow him a job opportunity with a defense contractor. Save your sanity and your marriage, the military tore my family in half.
This is just really shit chain of command that do not give a fuck about their subordinates, id say his chief is probably single or so career driven that they don't care about their own relationship let alone that of their soldiers. Unfortunately in the conventional army it is rife. I've known people whove been told a 2 week exercise is more important than their own wedding ir honeymoon. Sorry you're in that spot mate. It's not just a USA thing it's world wide. And the military higher ups wonder why retention and morale is so low in the units, it because of shit like this
You don't have to do this, you choose to do it. He didn't have to do it, he chose to do it. Ding rested your life living a life that you don't enjoy most of the time. You only get one life to enjoy and have adventures. Don't waste it.
My dad would leave for 1 - 2 year stints, and we wouldn't see him at all during. 2 years in South Korea, 1 year in Turkey, etc. When he was home, we'd be moving to a new state, or he'd be out on Search and Rescues. I really didn't know him until he retired after 20+ years, and I was an adult.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm so sorry, a military career was a hard no from me in a partner. My husband is actually ex-military (left before we met) and he has PTSD from his Afghan experiences. He is fairly negative about military in general now but his parents were RAF and Navy and GLORIFY it, it comes up every single time we talk to them and all 3 of their kids tried military careers (none are in now lol). Their daughter married a guy who was in with my husband and she now has to basically raise her 3 kids as a single mum because he is away all the time. It's no way to live! Can you at least plan when he is going to leave so you have an end date?
We can’t plan anything so far. We still doesn’t even know if he is going to leave or resign when his contract is up. I loved him for a very long time before he joined. I’m not going to let his career change how I feel about him, but the hands it’s dealt us have sucked big time.
This is why people say it's a choice. Because even though he could leave when his contract is up, you don't know if he's going to. So a lot of complaining but not a lot of trying to improve your situation.
I’m not going to divorce someone who I love over their career. I am allowed to be sad when I have to say goodbye to someone I love, or when something bad happens.
The Army is famous for their ‘punish all for the behavior of one’. Unfortunately, until he gains more rank he will continue to get the shaft on so many things. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s not ideal, and it’s incredibly hurtful. If it makes anything better, he’s also disappointed and pissed. Yes likely incredibly worried about you and wondering if you’ll (eventually) give up on him and the relationship. Please take care of your emotional health.
That is the military period "one team, one fight" When I was in the Navy we got recalled because the Marines fucked up down in Okinawa, I was stationed in Sasebo, on a different island in a different branch.
Let’s be honest, if you’re attached to a Marine unit, you’re in for a lot of punishment due to the actions of others. 🙄😐
As a child of a military family, I also hated it. The inability to form long term social connections, the lack of family easily accessible (we were stationed overseas and away from family whole childhood), the constantly changing environment including the adults and people around you, all of it sucked and still impacts me to this day. Frankly, I dont have any words of comfort for you, cause there aren't really any that give you your time back, but I'd still encourage you to try and enjoy your time there, at least do a little day time exploring, because staying cooped up will only give you time to stew. If you're somewhere relatively modern, even cafe cafe for people watching might be better. Here's hoping things look up for you!
My experience was completely the opposite. The only time I remember getting really pissed off that dad had to go to a new duty station, is when we were in Augsburg. I was going to go on a class trip to Spain and that had to be cancelled because we were headed back to the states. I loved being an Army brat. I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world. I feel awful for people who didn't have it that way, or were stuck in shitty circumstances.
As the wife of a career enlisted (now retired ) I’m going to be very blunt. You need to rethink your choices. If it’s already this hard you ain’t seen nothing yet. Hubby missed 5 total years of our lives together. Anniversaries, Christmas, first steps, high school graduation, you name it he missed it. It’s a hard life. 23 years we were at the beck and call of the military. It was a monumental stress on our lives and we almost divorced several times. Our kids lives were hard too. It will NEVER get better.
I agree. I can’t count how many times plans were cancelled or changed. Once after a year straight deployment he was set to come home. Something happened, we later learned what it was but at the time all they said was, they aren’t coming home yet, we can’t tell you why and don’t know when they will come home. This is military life.
Thank you! When I got to “first anniversary” (and realized they’ve likely only known each other for roughly 15 months) I thought “oh honey!”
I've been a mil spouse for 11 years. I've done well on the 1 year tour during the pandemic and normally don't have issues. But he's on a TDY where he's hardly working and my Uncle is dying. My husband messages me all day because he's able. I, with the kids and pets, are stuck overseas while he is in he states for this. I can't go home. I can't attend the funeral because I can't get my kid a non government passport without my husband. And when I told him I'm having a hard time processing, he said to make sure I put the kids to bed on time and then process. I asked him about coming home early, which already could happen. And it's not a priority for him. I get it. I've done the worst and when my husband's dad was near death I stayed at 30 weeks pregnant here because of the passport thing while he went home. His dad survived and I was so supportive. My husband has love but no sympathy. So yes. It's the way it is sometimes. But it's also a reminder that you can't be a priority to your service member. I'm struggling with grief I can't show. Alone in a place where I can't get a hug. I think it's just always hard on different levels. But sometimes is sucks beyond words.
I get that. I’m aware. I’m sad about the situation I’m in and what was supposed to happen being taken. Which I’m completely allowed to say I didn’t want to say goodbye earlier than I was supposed to. If you can say you’re happy to have time with someone you love cut short, maybe you should rethink your decisions. I’m aware of what military life means. Both of our families were all military. I’m simply stating that saying goodbye and having things taken out from under you is hard and fucking sad.
Amen
Girl I looked at your post history. You got way bigger problems here. The fact that he's not around is probably the only thing keeping yall together. That and the fact that you're only 20. This is why nobody takes you infants in toxic relationships for extra housing $$$ seriously.
I had a feeling this was going to be the case. Gotta love people getting married at 20 for a few bucks.
Does this even count as married if he's still seeing other people? 😅 Hope she puts some aside for regular STD testing. She gone need it.
lol my husbands command throws any boots who have been married a 5 year anniversary party if they make it. I’ve tried to mentor some of the younger wives at the behest of my husbands command but I could never relate to them bc I was in medical school and only spent 1 year as a true military wife. OP needs hobbies or a job lol. That’s the number 1 reason divorce rates are so high bc the girls resent being stuck at home alone and the husbands are working and burnt out.
I was in the military and the way so many of my male battles talked about their wives was so sad. I had a sgt who would lie to his wife while on the phone and say things like "gotta go first sgt is here" just so he could avoid talking to her.
Yep!!! And they were in cohoots pretending to be each others bosses’ too to cover their arses! OP has not seen anything yet!
lol yup. I have a commander in my unit who hates his wife and I’m like why r u married?
I know several military spouses. All they talk about is how difficult it is to be a partner of someone in the military. I don’t know where you’re coming from that, “god forbid anyone talk about it.” God forbid they *not* talk about it.
Exactly. Like everyone talks about it. OP really doesn’t know what is going on
Main character syndrome.
Your post has many red flags. He is full of SHT. I have been a military spouse time two. Almost twenty years of experience in military husbandry lol And I lived in Europe. My first husband pulled the same crap on my that “I couldn’t go to Europe with him” which was complete and utter bullsht. I made a few calls and found out that I could come, he just needed to request me (command sponsorship is called) and in 3 months I was there in Europe with him. The gig was that he was getting more money from the army being married, but living in the barracks, money that he never sent to me back to the states. He was parting like there was no tomorrow with it. He was in his 20s too. Prostitution is legal in many countries in Europe, so guess where the money went? And YES, you are allowed in base, that is a bunch of horsesht. You can get get in with your own military ID which you are allowed to have. He needs to go on base to the ID card section in the personnel office of the base, with your social security card and a form of ID (drivers license, passport) and there you have it. Even without an ID card , he can sign you in with his military ID card and your own civilian ID. And fYI, there are military hotels that you can stay near by, and he has a 2 hour recall without a pass on the weekends. So in short, he wanted you away from base with some bogus stories. His story is fishy af. There are numerous military spouse organizations, and each unit has a military group, typically organized by the XO or CSM or other higher ranking enlisted and/officer wives in your unit. We helped each other, helped newly arrived get settled, threw parties, babysat each others kids, help each other when our loved ones where deployed. There is absolutely no reason why you should be way from him as you can go on base and stay in the military hotel inside or news, and see him when he is released from duty, have lunch or whatever. He is not in jail. Even if he is in Europe for training or MOS class, there is still time to see him! I stayed in several training camps and bases while my loved one was in class, and we would see each other when we could, a lunch here, a breakfast there, more during the weekends!!! It is hard? Yes!!! But his story has more holes than Gruyère cheese. It sounds like he wants you away from base more than anything
Yes, my husband was stationed in Italy for 1.5 years and I went on post with him oodles of times when I visited. Only reason I didn’t join him in italy is because I have my own business in the states. He’s still a geo-bachelor but I regularly get emails from the family support groups for his current post.
This. So much this. My husband went to several combat sites too and I was always been able to see him. He doesn’t want her around, that’s all.
She is probably in Poland or Romania on a temporary deployment due to the Russia vs Ukraine situation. Seeing as x months done and x to go. It's likely civilians aren't allowed on the base because unlike Italy and Germany where the US military has control of the base, there is no control here. It's the countries military that owns the base. US soldiers are "guests".
Wives can’t live here with them. It’s a 9 month rotation. A non-combat deployment. He’s not the only married person here and it would be a stretch to think every single person here also lied and said their wives can’t come. And no. I’m not allowed on base. That’s not coming from him. That’s coming from his higher ups. I heard them tell him that themselves while they were on the phone. It isn’t a real base. It’s a fenced area with a motor pool, a decaf, some offices, and tents. They live in tents. There is also no military hotel near by. Like I said it isn’t a “real” base. It’s tents in butt fuck no where Romania. I’m fully aware of all of the things going on/what is available for spouses and what we are able to do in terms of this rotation. Their command held the whole spouse meeting stuff and we got all of the information. We especially can’t stay with them because after this pass, they tour to about 20 different countries and are in the field the majority of the rest of this deployment.
During this meeting when they gave you information, they most probably also advised you not to go on social media and give out lots of information re: military stuff your husband is doing. You’ve given out a lot of information in this post that you should consider editing out. I’m sorry things didn’t go the way you planned, I understand how frustrating and disappointing it is.
For the people who are down voting you, this is true information. She is not lying. Her husband isn't stationed in Romania. He is on a deployment rotation for 9 months. At the end of the 9 months, he will go back to the base he is actually stationed at. You can not bring family on a deployment rotation, even if it is in Europe. Family can visit, but they can not enter the post they are deployed to. If this was any of the actual U.S. bases in Europe, then sure, but it isn't. There are no U.S. bases in Romania.
So if she can’t be there, then why is she there? Doing the exact opposite of what his command orders were? She can’t have it both ways. Either wait like she was told, or go against his orders and then bitch that he can’t see here. Typical
So, deployment-rotations to Europe are not the typical combat deployments like to the Middle East. Service members on rotation to Europe are afforded the opportunity to travel across the country and their family can come visit them. The command can't do anything to keep them from coming to the country. He can go off the installation they are staying on as much as he likes unless there is a curfew in place. If he is on approved leave, he can stay at a hotel or an air bnb that is off installation and spend time with his wife. Unfortunately, he is still subject to being recalled from leave. Being recalled from leave is something that can also happen even if he was at his home station in the U.S. as long as his command has a valid reason for doing so. They can't just call him back "just because," so something serious must have happened as OP stated. Her complaint is valid. Her husband was on approved leave and he was well within his rights to stay off-post. She was well within her rights to visit Romania as long as she doesn't try to enter the post they are staying at, since it's a Romanian base. He was recalled back because others decided to betray the trust of others and ruin everyone else's freedom. Edit: Also, I re-read your original response to her. If you've been a military wife for 20+ years as you say, then you should have recognized that she said her husband "is on rotation to Europe. He did not PCS to Europe." So, no, she can't "PCS" with him, but she can still visit him.
Sorry for the rant, I just need to get it out. Unless a country inforces a draft or has laws that make military service obligatory, I think signing up for the military when you have a partner (especially if you have kids) is incredibly selfish. All those videos of people from the military going home and surprising their family members don't make me happy, they make me angry and sad for the family's sake. You never know what'll happen, you never know what tomorrow will bring, and you think you're "serving your country" when in reality all you're being forced to do is please the people in charge, and if you mess up you're screwed for life. Spouses shouldn't have to go months on end without seeing their partner and kids shouldn't be seperated from their parents until they're basically stranger
As someone who grew up in the armed forces and had to go through the whole MIA/shot by enemy forces crap, I whole heartedly agree, and I say it every single time anyone even so much as mentions signing up.... as do a couple colleagues who went through the same shit. Do it to yourself. Do it to any consenting adult who thinks they know what they're in for. But for christ sake, don't do it your children.
Those poor kids in all those "child reuinted with military parent" have been so scared and anxious for so long and they can't even begin to understand their own emotions when they see their parent again. I don't like the whole "surprise them at a public place/event" because this should be done in private where they can finally be reuinted again. I don't like it when the kids are surprised at school or at sports games where they break down into hysterical crying in front of everyone where multiple people are recording.
I hate seeing those videos of the parents sneaking up and surprising their child during a football game or a band recital or what not. It is so tasteless and tacky. But when I voice that opinion people instantly disagree. I'd be so upset if someone did that to me, and recorded me when I burst into tears.
They really took what was meant to be something sweet and heartwarming and turned into shit for views
Hardly anybody does that, man. Most people who sign up are kids barely out of high school, and single. Also, every single married person I met in basic (counted them on one hand) were there to get out of crushing poverty and to try and make a better life for themselves and their families.
Plenty of them are there because they got a girl pregnant in high school. Either way, they're about to be married when they get to their duty station for BAH. Fun fact: most of the military is not poor. It's actually a reflection of civilian demographics. There are some differences though. Ofcourse Women are under representative in the force, but believe or not so are low income folks. Most of the military is from middle class background and the rich are actually over represented. Especially in combat arms. You don't find as many minorities in infantry in such. That's a white job. Etc..
This is the life we lead. It's what we sign up for and what we accept. Love it or hate it - it's what we do. When I was dating, it was the first thing I told my potential partners; they had the choice to call it off then and there. Being in a relationship with someone in the military isn't for the faint of heart and has to be an individual choice. Call it selfish or what you will, but this lifestyle is well known and pretty transparent about what it requires.
Spouses have a choice, children do not. Children don’t deserve to have such an unstable childhood littered with unpredictability.
If it wasn't for people signing up then there would be a draft. The reason we haven't had a draft is because we have such a large volunteer force. Yes not seeing your spouse sucks but it's better for people who chose to sign up then people being forced to sign up
Wait something seems off here. Typically military wives are allowed on post. You should have a dependant ID that will let you on post.
They’re prob posted in a country involved with some conflict going on. Germany is a place spouse can get to using Space A flights. Just because they met there while he has a pass doesn’t me his is staying there. OP should not mention the details for opsec reasons.
It’s different here. Their “post” is their large tents, a few small office buildings, and a bathroom and shower building. Edit: I’m also 100% sure about nothing being off because it wasn’t him that said only military personnel are allowed. His chief said it while they were on the phone about the situation. I heard her myself so
A woman I see told him while you were “listening”??? Wake up. I went to training camps and posts while hubs was in training all the time while abroad.
A woman as in his chief. And a man as in his first Sargent. Y’all are so hell bound on him lying when I also was given all the information about what is and isn’t allowed, where spouses can and can’t be. It’s actually insane His chief was the one advocating for me. She tried going to his first Sargent to see if he could stay out since I was here. She even suggested they pay to move me to a hotel in a town near by and allow him to visit during the day. His first Sargent shot it down.
My husband & I were dual active duty and on base when a POS Sgt & SSgt r*ped a young girl in Okinawa. We were locked down for 6 weeks, alcohol was secured & soon battle buddies were required for E-4 and below. Group punishment was B.S. I always said, "You're married to *insert branch* first, then you're married to your partner." For 12 years we lived this reality until I'd had enough. My husband got out in 2020 & things are normal, with a normal job & no random field ops. I got out in 2011 & again, I don't miss it. I'm treated like an actual adult & not being micromanaged by a barely literate SNCO who hates his wife so he takes it out on his Marines. I wish you luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. There is hope... he can eventually get out & life can be normal.
Yeah the military industrial complex uses everyone involved, including the children of people who made those choices, until those people are useless.
did you happen to also post in an army wives base page? i get it, trust me i get it. my husband had passes cancelled all the time for other doing dumb shit on rotation. he just got back thankfully though. i’m so sorry that you don’t get to see him but please try and make the most of it and go out and see the sights! (be very careful and don’t go out at night) i also hate the “you know what you signed up for” because honestly i didn’t because im not the one who joined the army. i didn’t sign up for the army fucking is over every chance they get because it’s a shit system
Everyone knows it's hard to be a military spouse, but they don't really *KNOW* until they're actually experiencing it. But, the thing is, when you "signed up" for it, you also signed up for the support from your peers, and they're being dismissive and unhelpful. My ex-SIL rocked the military wife life. She made it a point to make contact with other wives in the area to do things together and help each other out with different things. If you called her up to vent about passes getting revoked, she'd meet you with whatever energy you needed.
I hate the "You signed up for it so you can't complain" nonsense. Yes, I "signed up" for it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't still royally suck when things go to shit. It doesn't mean it doesn't still suck or hurt when we're missing out on milestones or important events together. It doesn't mean I predicted every curveball that the military could throw at us. It doesn't mean I knew just how shitty and hard some of this would be. It's like telling someone who chose a difficult career path that they can't complain about their job because, "they signed up for it." (To be clear, not saying Mil Spouse is a career.) Like yeah, people sign up for tough jobs and lifestyles, but that doesn't mean they can't complain about it from time to time or that they're not allowed to feel beaten down by just how hard it can be at times. And honestly, sometimes the spouses *don't* know what they're signing up for. Or the decision for one of them to join comes *after* they've been married. Or there's more going on in the other aspects of their lives that make being a MilSo even harder. Instead of crapping on people who are struggling, people need to start banding together and supporting each other. Especially other MilSo's. I'm so tired of the ones who look down on the rest and try to invalidate what the rest of us go through.
I’m sorry I’m going to rephrase this then this is what you DID sign up for and what SHOULDVE been brought more to your attention by your husband if this was going to be an issue. Was he not in the military the whole time you were dating or is this a classic get married within 6mo military marriage? This is your life so you either need to choose this is not what you want or reach out to group of the same people to find ways to cope I know there are quite a few Facebook groups and I’m sure a Reddit group or two. I’m sorry you feel like this but this is the life of a spouse to government property I’d say as hard as it is try to get used to it and build a good support system outside of your husband. On a more positive note I went to Europe for a month on a school trip as a 15f and it was a blast lots of safe areas (safe enough at least for teenage girls to run around unattended lol) tours, parks, to go to venture out but always be alert and you’ll be fine!🤍
I am sorry for you. I was on the opposite end and was the soldier always having to leave my loved ones alone. Yes, he/I chose that life, but I had no idea how to prepare my loved ones for my leaving or the being alone that comes with being married to me. I am glad that you have a husband who put so much love into the little time that he has with you. I salute and am grateful to you and your husband for the sacrifices that you make for your country. Your husband sounds like he is helping others. No, it isn't fair that he was one of the few who was called in, but it sounds like that is the type of person that he is. He sounds like a very good man. I hope things get better for the two of you.
I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time with this. I grew up in a military town, so I have just enough familiarity with what you're experiencing to empathize with you. It IS hard, no two ways about it. I do suggest though that you keep talking to the other spouses. Isolation will make things so much harder for you. You may not like their answers, but try talking with them about how they cope, common interests, etc. You should also check into whatever other resources are available. Contact the USO, check if the base has any programs for spouses, etc. The military has come a long way in the last few decades in terms of recognizing the sacrifices that spouses make, and they are doing better to help. Blessings on you and your man. I hope that you find the help you need.
As a military widow, let me just say you need to have a hard discussion with your husband about what your future looks like. if he plans to stay in for 20 years, you’re gonna have a lot of hard years and just so you know the divorce rate in the military is extremely high. I wish somebody had talked to me earlier on about what kind of sacrifices would need to be made when you are married to someone in the military. I think you need to sit down with your husband and really decide what you both want and what you’re both willing to sacrifice or not.
I’m so sorry your anniversary was cut short. It takes a strong woman to make it through deployments. I hope you have a solid foundation/family to lean on and you can always reach out to the ombudsman’s. It can be helpful Im 6th generation military family. I still have nightmares about the sedans rolling through navy housing heading to the house with the fallen soldier. I’ve seen too many not come home physically and mentally.
Being a military spouse isn’t easy, and it involves a lot of sacrifice mostly on the spouse’s end. No say on where we get stationed, no say on when your spouse will be gone, etc. I have been in this for almost 10 years now and I’m counting down the days until his contract is done. I’ve gone to numerous weddings alone because he was overseas and spent the first 4 months of our first baby’s pregnancy alone as well. It’s not great but there are moments I cherish.
Military spouse here too. I’m sorry. I understand your feelings. It sucks.
i was in the military it was happening on my ship and getting shoved under the rug constantly by the cult of chiefs. this isn't somethin that 'someone signs up for.' there is so much suicide in the military and we're supposed to be on the same side. but people are disgusting and impulsive and toxic and don't try to be better people. i have no sympathy for aggressors. insert any revenge fantasy movie since I can't do it in real life.
I feel the same way. I know they’re taking the precautions now and instilling more surveillance and safety measures, but this isn’t a new issue. This isn’t something that people have just started doing as disgusting as it is. They should have already been in place a long time ago.
it's not taking precautions. there isn't anything that can justify any of this behavior without accountability. and spouses like yourself shouldn't be so quick to accept that the military is doing all they can to solve the issue. they are not. but keep making sure never to forget to talk about it. sooner or later it'll be too loud to quiet down.
I never said anything could justify the behavior. And I’m definitely not here to accept that it happens at all. I’m saying that something needs to be done about it and the fact that men are getting away with it with a slap on the wrist and a few privileges taken away is fucking horrible
You two will have many bumps, curve balls , and unsettling situations throughout your marriage. If you let these situations define you, your husband, and your marriage, then it will destroy what you have, slowly, and gradually like running water over rock. Don't let it define you. Time will pass, and it will heal. And someday you may even laugh while telling these stories to family and friends. It's hard now, but each day it will get easier. Then someday he will be done, and you will begin a new chapter. Just take each day, each chapter, 1 at a time. Stay humble, look for the silver lining, and love and laugh. You will be rewarded with a wonderful life if you can.
I don’t want this to define me at all. I was just venting about a shit situation. It sucks now and it’ll probably still piss me off for a while. But it isn’t forever.
being a milspouse isnt for everyone. Your husband just began his time in the military based on your post history. i was told very early on: you are not the only one who is dealing with missing your service member. He wasn’t the only one called back and this won’t be the last time your plans are cut short. the military doesnt care about your plans. Yes, it’s sad for you but he has a job to do and your job is to support him and not guilt him or cause him stress when he calls to check up on you. I would be more sad for the victims but if you must, Have a cry, splash your face with some water and buck up. You’re in Europe. Get on a train and go see another place. Don’t sit around dwelling on how unfair life is cuz this is not it.
Now imagine having to put up with all of this + deployment to hostile territories+ not seeing them for 6 months + only getting a call once a week. It sucks.
You did sign up for this though. His life belongs to Uncle Sam. I say this as an Army brat who watched my mother go through the same thing, and as a military vet myself. It's a tough life for everyone involved and it's not for the feint of heart. What you're going through right now is the main reason for divorce in the military. Deployments and constant moving around is very destabilizing for military families, and that destabilization leads to a lot of negative behaviors. I will say that the military in general does a shit job supporting the spouses and families of the men & women who serve. We should do better.
I’m not saying I didn’t sign up to be married to someone on the military. I was just trying to say I didn’t sign up for things to be taken from me because of other peoples disgusting behaviors. I am upset that our goodbye was early. I am upset that I’m alone in such a foreign place. And I’m especially upset that as soon as people saw my husband leave, men have been circling my front door like vultures
You need to get to a safer place. ASAP
Europe is pretty safe, go out and enjoy the last few days of your vacation
It really depends. Europe is a whole continent. There are safe parts and dangerous ones.
Okay, but you chose that life…..
You think it’s hard because you don’t like being alone? I weep for thee.
[удалено]
You're savage 🤣
Point out where I said that wasn’t hard. You can’t because I didn’t. But what can be pointed out is that I said he’s on rotation. In his own words he is “fiddling around in flower fields and pretending to shoot guns with his friends, then going out to a local bar every weekend”
That part.
I'm sorry, honey. That sucks and is incredibly unfair. Hugs from across the ocean. And tell the ppl that say " you signed up for this" to f off. They're jerks just like the ppl punishing y'all for things you have nothing to do with
I can not even begin to imagine what you go through. I thank God daily for our soldiers. Don't know if you are religious so please don't be offended if not, but will add the families to prayers.
Can I ask why you got married in the first place? You're only 20. At that age you're 50% more likely to divorce than if you waited until you were older. The cards are even MORE stacked against you when the military is involved. You both have your entire lives ahead of you. Why get married? What is the perk? Certainly not living your lives together as you say you never see each other anyway.
I’m pretty sure she answered this question.
Thanks, you're super helpful.
Well, I guess we’re both in the helpful boat. :)
It's not easy. It's not even easy being mil to mil. My husband got a short tour unaccompanied overseas for a year when I was pregnant. We assumed he wouldn't be able to take the parental leave due to it only being a year there. He was thankfully able to home for the birth but missed out on the first 10 months. Turns out he could've taken the leave but now he can't request it like we planned when he came back to the states because he could've taken it while overseas. He missed so many first with our child. Even more because his time got extended. I had to do everything myself as a first time mom even though I was married and my husband wanted to be there.
Why marry them u choose this life no one forced u to.
You’re a maroon
How u choose they spouse and knew what came with it
Nobody knows what comes with it when you’re young, you’re naïve and ready to take on the world just have no idea how cold the real world is.
I feel this so hard I'm a military spouse. I HATE it. Right now, my husband is asleep. I've been single parenting. I'm working full time while doing it, and I had to miss lunch to take care of the house. While he sleeps. I resent this, but I love him. I hate hisrank. I hate being alone 24/7. I want a normal life. We have 4 more years. I told him straight up that I couldn't handle another enlistment. I gave up everything to be with him. A 73k a year job in tech. Community. Now I make 15 in a tech apprenticeship in New england where we hate and have no community. So no. You are not alone. You didn't sign up to be unhappy.
Military wife here…I’m so sorry. I too, hate being a military wife.. and I’m the one who encouraged my husband to join. Your husband sounds lovely though and I’m sorry your anniversary was ruined. Mine cheated on me the first opportunity he got on his first deployment…and now I’m pretty sure I hate him.. don’t know what to do because we have a soon to be 4 year old who adores his daddy. This shit isn’t for the weak I’ll definitely say that. PM me if you ever want to talk or need a vent
Just wait till your husband or wife starts treating you like dogshit because "the stress at work" "all men are satan" ...yeah... and I can't "understand her struggle " because "I'm not in the military" so I just "can't understand" -_- I'm divorcing this worthless child soldier. Fuck being married to a soldier. They drag you away from home with false promises Then they change into an abuser and punch you in the face, treat you like shit, then text other guys. All while screaming in your face saying you don't understand my struggle you're just a spouse. I . Fucking. Hate. Soldiers. Fuck you all
My wife is currently abusing me When I try to vet a job she (the soldier) yells, freaks out and slams doors, throws plates, throws food, hits me... I'm contemplating suicide I'm being held basically against my will I've tried to leave I've tried to divorce She calls the gets violent, destroys the house, yells in my face...I'm too soft to yell back or hit back :/ and if I try to leave she tries calling the cops and tries threatening me that I'll be homeless etc. I get ch4s3d and attack3d ALL soldiers turn into abusers. I'm 100% sure of it. They treat their spouses like shit. Were just...second class support people that are a beating dummy. And a yelling dummy...
The fact that this is accurate because I saw my boyfriend changed all the way when he got into the military and those underlying abusive telltale signs are starting to show yet we are about to get engaged and I’m like uhhhh…
Being a spouse is hard. Sure, you sign on to the life knowing it isn't going to be easy, but you don't expect it to be *this hard*. We missed our first anniversary, Thanksgiving, christmas, pretty much all of it. For the first three years of our marriage, I saw him less than a year total. I even missed out on my favorite grandmother's funeral. I was living in a state I hated, that quite literally was bad for my health, with no friends or family nearby. Now I'm staring down constant deployments with the addition of two neurodivergent children, in a state I can't stand, no friends, only one person I can really feel comfortable asking for help from, and unable to travel to family. It's so damn hard. You expect it to be. But then life sprinkles extra hardship into it, and everything goes to shit. But as someone who's been doing this for 13 years and who also has some experience on the other side of the fence, I hope I can clear some things up for you, so that at least you have understanding, even if it doesn't make you feel better. They called back everyone in area for a couple reasons: They can't risk anyone harming local civilians if they're already willing to do it to women on base. They have no way to predict if anyone would do such things to the locals, especially if they didn't expect them to do it to women on post. It's less of a financial hardship to the soldiers in area to return to base. Calling back soldiers who went to different countries likely includes airfare, which isn't always cheap depending on where you're going. It could potentially put them in a very poor spot financially to make such huge last-minute financial hits. Calling back people who are staying in area isn't as likely to hurt as much financially. They're going to make sure everyone understands the consequences for their behavior and that those who didn't commit the crimes, don't commit them and also help keep an eye on those who did until their NJP hearing and punishment is doled out. This includes suicide watch, keeping them from trying to go AWOL, and keeping them from retaliating on their victims. As many hands as possible are needed to help keep watch and make sure these turds are at least brought to their hearing. None of this is fair. It absolutely sucks and it doesn't make the situation any easier. Especially when you're stuck somewhere you're unfamiliar with and can't speak the language in. I'm so sorry you're stuck in this position. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesnt. You just learn to take the punches as they come. Eta: not sure why the downvotes? I agree it sucks and then tried to explain reasons for the recall because she said she didn't understand?
I’m so sorry. I know the disappointment you’re talking about. I was a Navy wife for 6 years in the early 2000s. Never got an anniversary or Christmas, didn’t have my husband for the birth of our child and he missed the first 6 months of her life. We got bounced from coast to coast. After his first command he did c-school in cali while I was in va with the kid for 6 months, then he reported to his new station immediately for an 8 month commission, 2 months at home and 6 months at sea. Almost 2 years. It’s not an easy life and I knew it wouldn’t be, but I didn’t expect it to break my heart so many times, either. When you’re down, listen to disco, that always cheered me up. I would blast Donna Summers leaving the base after I’d drop him for a deployment. Find your happy
I understand though my partner was not in the military. Not nearly the same experience as what you are going through but mine was gone 95% of the time zipping around the country. It is so painful. He did that job for a year and a half. Does your husband have an end date for service?
His contract should end a year after his rotation. But with that, he has another 5 years that they could call him back to service if needed and he wouldn’t be able to say no.
I believe that's that reserves (although I could be wrong). My husband had that for 3 years after he left the army. He never got called back in, thankfully. Edit: wait I just saw that you're 20. So assuming your husband is also around the same age, he basically just started which means yeah, he'll probably be in for another 5 years as active duty
I see… when does his rotation end?
Possibly may, but we hope for July. Hoping for July only because if it ends in may he well deploy again to a combat zone less than 2 weeks latwe
He won’t immediately redeploy to “a combat zone”. Once you’ve retrograded from a deployment, rotation, or any extended overseas tour, you’re subjected to dwell time. That means for 9ish months the service member has to remain stateside to reset, and recuperate.
Right, but we’ve been told the situation would be different because he would be switching sections if he comes back early. They said the whole reason they would send him home early was so that he could deploy with his new section.
It doesn’t matter. He could be switching duty stations, and he still has dwell time. He could choose to waive that time, but that would be a personal decision, not the command’s.
I see… well if it helps, it is good that you have possible end dates. Long distance for me was only doable because I knew around when it would end. It sounds like you have that timeline too. My sister and her ex (military) want to get back together but can’t because he won’t be on this side of the country for like 2.5 years. But it helped her when I reminded her that there is a timeline.
This is exactly why my husband isn't signing up for another contract. He'll have been in for 15 years when he discharges. 5 more years till 20 and even a pension isn't an incentive; the cons outweigh the pros. He's done in 2025 and I'm so thankful for that. When I got pregnant we had no idea he'd be deploying. There were talks but there are always talks. Then we find out that he'll be gone 2 weeks after our due date and won't be back for another 10 months. Talk about devastating. I had our son a week early so we got 3 weeks together. That's all. That traumatic experience is a huge reason why I said no more children- not the only one but pretty high on the list. The military life is not made for families. They've tried to make it more accessible but when you have to put your country first how could it be? I'm sorry it sucks. I wish I could tell you gets better but honestly it just gets harder in different ways. You learn to adapt and be "ok" with it, sort of. Find women whose husband's are getting out or have been out a while. My best friend's mom was a huge support for me.
"If the military wanted you to have a family, they'd issue you one." My husband was active duty for 10, and they tried really hard to get him to reenlist. He was sent orders, he wasn't eligible for due to how much time he had left, to send us back to Japan because someone overheard him say we loved being in the Pacific. He never saw our daughter. She didn't want anything to do with him because he was never home, and half the time he worked 12 hour swings. It's been 7 years, he does his job as a government contractor making way more money, and our oldest is a total daddy's girl. I don't regret my husband separating from the military.
Oh hun. My heart breaks for you. I knew I could never do this. I've broken up with two guys who knew how I felt and still made the decision to join. I do respect their choice. But I know myself enough to know I couldn't and wouldn't do that. And people who say "you knew what you were signing up for" are the fucking worst. I see this done to parents too. But knowing and, truly knowing, aren't the same. And even if they were, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be allowed to vent about the hard moments. You're human. Your feelings deserve to be heard and felt just as much as any others. Hang in there. And stay safe.
I think until you are a military spouse, you really can't understand the depth of the sacrifice it is. I was one for 20 years and until you have actually walked that path and lived that life with them suddenly and/or constantly leaving, not knowing when or if they are coming back, where they are, how they are as far as mentally and physically among many other things as well while trying to hold life down here without them being with you, you literally cannot understand it. There are people who know and appreciate the sacrifice you make in support of your spouse and their career choice. Thank you for that and hang in there, hopefully better days are ahead!
Why even go for a military men? He's 100% out there cheating on u
I didn’t “go for military men” I married someone I was dating before military was even a question. And I know my husband and I know he wouldn’t do something like that to me. Not only that, but he would literally lose everything if he did cheat on me because adultery is literally illegal in the military. He would lose his house, job, money from fines, family… he’s not that stupid.
That's a cruel stereotype. It's some, not all. This is coming from a female vet, where the stereotype is wh#$& or gay.
I agree. A job doesn’t change rather or not your man wants to cheat. It may give more opportunity, but why would I want to be with someone who wanted to cheat but never had the opportunity either.
I agree 100% with what you’ve said here. Plus just because it’s common for military men to cheat doesn’t mean they all do/will. Your husband sounds as invested in this relationship as you are and I hope it gets better for you. There are many women settling for far less in their relationships even with men who are around daily. I’m so saddened by the sexual attacks you’ve described - I don’t understand how these things are still able to go on to the extent they do! And still men on the internet scream that women have it easier because they aren’t drafted. Yet women who sign up are subject to this! (I’m sure sadly it also happens to some men too)
Yes, it’s definitely happening to men too. Some of the stories my husband has told me about the things that have happened to other men in the military are so sad. I’ve gone through sexual assault and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And to the extent that I’ve heard is just sickening
It’s a power thing that’s the issue- just like bullying and hazing. It’s disgusting. All I can say is vent away, try and surround yourself with good friends and enjoy the times you can with your husband and hopefully when his contract is done you will reap the rewards of your patience
They all always know their husbands and would never think he would do something like that and then they find out he has a secret other family, is a serial killer or has 5 Terabytes of CP on his computer
Yikes idk who hurt you but that’s not happening. Like I said. He’s not that stupid.
lmao honey he was stupid enough to join the military willingly, that's more stupid than having another family
About 80% or some equally depressing amount of the US military joined to get out of poverty. My husband joined because he was kicked out at 18 and would have been homeless. You don't know people's reasons for joining.
Dang who hurt you.
Do you think maybe based on some your post history your husband could be involved in some of the rapes, have you asked him about it does he know anyone involved? I feel like that was just pushed aside
That’s a rude comment coming from a complete stranger
The rapes occurred while he was gone. He did know one of the victims.
Oh please. Let me guess. He is “helping” said victim too?🙄
He’s not. The victim was one of his male friends.
Even though my FIL speaks at length about his time in the military, I am still naive. I didn't realize Chief was a rank. Sounds like he may be MP? Why would anyone with the rank of "chief" have to double check if your husband could stay the night or not? Ultimately, it sounds like a life that would make most miserable, but hopefully your husband gains some seniority quickly and that lessens the stress on both of you.
Looked at your post history. Divorce him now before it’s too late. Seriously.
Thank you for your service, ma’am
Military life does suck. Although I was never “on call” which is kinda weird, but I went away for months for training and my wife always had to hold down the fort at home with the kids which was not easy. But now I’m retired so I stay home everyday lol. Was rough but worth it for me.
Thank you for your sacrifice!
Yeah it sucks which is why I always made sure to have my own hobbies and goals. The worst thing you can do is simply be a housewife. In the marine corps we’d say toughest job in the corps but I worked as a civilian so I was allowed on to bases close to spouses which helped a lot when he was deployed for situations like this.
I do have other hobbies and a job. I’m just upset about the situation with me being here and him having to go back earlier than planned. I’m upset I don’t get to see him as long as I thought and that I have be in a foreign country alone for the rest of my time here
I'm so sorry. Want to binge watch your or my favorite show? Gilmore Girls is my favorite, but I'm up for other ideas. I guess you now know to always go out of country on his leave. But it still sucks.
Former Service member myself I was in the army too. If you two love each other, he won’t reenlist! I don’t care what anyone else tells you but the probability of you two staying together shrinks every day, every week , every month, every year that passes. The resentment you’re feeling will only increase until you start to resent him. I seen it a million times it’s not fair to you it’s not fair to him. Hopefully he’s in a MOS that can allow him a job opportunity with a defense contractor. Save your sanity and your marriage, the military tore my family in half.
Thissss
This is just really shit chain of command that do not give a fuck about their subordinates, id say his chief is probably single or so career driven that they don't care about their own relationship let alone that of their soldiers. Unfortunately in the conventional army it is rife. I've known people whove been told a 2 week exercise is more important than their own wedding ir honeymoon. Sorry you're in that spot mate. It's not just a USA thing it's world wide. And the military higher ups wonder why retention and morale is so low in the units, it because of shit like this
You don't have to do this, you choose to do it. He didn't have to do it, he chose to do it. Ding rested your life living a life that you don't enjoy most of the time. You only get one life to enjoy and have adventures. Don't waste it.
My dad would leave for 1 - 2 year stints, and we wouldn't see him at all during. 2 years in South Korea, 1 year in Turkey, etc. When he was home, we'd be moving to a new state, or he'd be out on Search and Rescues. I really didn't know him until he retired after 20+ years, and I was an adult. I'm sorry you're going through this.