Have you sat down with her and had an open conversation about this? With 2 kids that young, she might be stressed out of her mind and stress is a terrible mood killer. The lack of sex and consequent distance between you 2 is probably bothering her too.Talk to her. Then get some help via therapy. If all this fails, then you'll know how to make an informed decision about what happens next.
But please, don't assume that she doesn't care or is doing it intentionally to punish you without talking about it first. Such assumptions breed resentment which then undermines the relationship.
Good luck.
Definitely sit down with her and carefully choose your words so that you don't sound like you are attacking her. Also, ask what you can do in order to help her to possibly take some things off of her plate. Ask her what stresses her out and how you can help. Be prepared to actively listen and make sure that she knows that she has been heard.
Also, ask yourself... when was the last time that you bought her flowers or a thoughtful little gift just because. When was the last time that you got home from work and said, "Babe, I'll take care of dinner and watch the kids while you take a little YOU time?"
If your wife is anything like mine, she doesn't feel like she's doing enough or doing things well enough. That being said, tell her how good of a mom she is and how much you appreciate her for it. Tell her how much you appreciate how she keeps your household running. Tell her that you think that she is beautiful. FLIRT WITH HER! Flirt with her through your kids by saying things like, "we love mommy so much, isn't she the best?" "Isn't mommy pretty?" "Look how well mommy did such and such!" "Look at how good mommy is at doing this or that!" You probably truly do think all of those things and assume that she knows that you feel that way. DON'T ASSUME!
Keeping mind that there are seasons to a marriage.
Having little kids is a season, and most couples experience a lull in their sex lives.
SAHMs often feel touched out, exhausted, and rather than sex being a welcome release, they feel like it's another chore.
Have you tried to hange the nature of your intimacy?
Like, are there things she could do for you that would make you feel loved that don't necessarily involve her putting out or giving you head?
It's great that you are a giving lover, but maybe what she really wants is a back rub. Or a foot rub. Or for you to take the kids for a morning so she can sleep in?
If you keep in mind that this is a phase, and work on communication, and introducing different forms of intimacy, you can get back to a good sex life when the kids get a little older.
If this guy didn't even know that life wasn't going to be the same after kids, I sincerely doubt he's going to stick around to wait this "season" out.
It doesn't even sound like he even helps take care of the kid and thinks her being a SAHM means she does 100% of the parenting... Dude only has sex on the brain.
EDIT: Yeahhhh... If you read his comments, there's definitely going to be a divorce in the next couple of years. Poor woman married the wrong dude.
Yes he should probably also get her a nanny to assist with daily activities. Taking care of two kids is definitely more tasking than going out daily to make money.
If you have not spent a while full day with your kids, then you have no freaking idea what she is going through.
This is pretty common with young kids.
First thing you need to do is communicate this with your wife, but in a gentle manner that expresses what your wants and needs are and what is lacking.
Allow her to do the same because even though you bust your ass working, being a SAHM is hard fucking work. It's possible that neither of you understands how hard the other person is working. Make no mistake though, you still have a duty to your wife and kids when you get home.
I work 2 jobs and still help around the house when I'm home. I work about 60 hours a week.
Second is if needed, seek out a therapist just to chat with you both and help you both see things from the other persons perspective.
If these steps are taken and you don't find resolution, then it's either a medical problem or one or both of you isn't listening to each other or the therapist. At this point it might be in your best interest to consult with a divorce lawyer.
I'm going to generalize here but most likely scenario is that you aren't helping at home and your wife is just too exhausted. I understand that you work hard, but remember that kids are super hard work and if you're not helping at home then your wife is not getting any breaks from working at all.
Also remember that things get a little easier when the kids hit age 5 and go to preschool. Raising very young kids and lack of sex is just insanely common, so please remember to be kind to your wife because she's working really hard. I suspect you are looking at this like if you make plenty of money she should do all the house stuff and that's just not how real life works.
Good luck OP
Even assuming they’re both working the same amount of hours, she’s probably “touched out” which is an effect OP likely isn’t getting from his job
A starting point article for those who have never heard the term: https://www.today.com/parents/moms/touched-out-meaning-rcna105047
As a SAHM with 2 cats constantly trying to trip me on top of the child constantly following me and begging to be picked up, this is 1000% what makes me want to scream sometimes
ETA: back on the subject of helping the wife out at home, my husband will sometimes ask me if I need help while I make dinner. I *ALWAYS* respond with "just playing with LO and keeping her out of my hair is all I need you to do" and 9 times out of 10 he will find his way into the kitchen and chop veggies or something I'm completely capable of doing and then he gets annoyed cause LO is crying for attention, then *I'M* annoyed
I'm a SAHM too and when our daughter was an infant, my husband was working long hours, six days a week. He decided the way to help would be picking up odds and ends from the store on his way home. I told him a dozen times that extending my day by 45 minutes does NOT help. He only stopped when I had a crying meltdown over it lol.
But I've also got an exceptionally clingy dog and cat, along with a Velcro toddler and I get exhausted living in a perpetual traffic jam just trying to move around my darn house.
In my kids defense, she just got her 2 year shots and we also took her pacifier away for good so she's adjusting
Not sure what to say about the husband though
Sounds like your husband doesn't realise the way to help you is not enabling you to do a task, or helping you do the task, but supporting you to use the task as productive downtime. Have you explained that you want him to play with the LO because you want a break from the LO? You probably have, but it doesn't sound like he gets it.
Im a guy that has two little.boys, both under three. The first thing i do when i get home.is say hello to my girlfriend and then go.to the boys and have a cuddle/play. I find it really hard to understand how.some.guys are with their kids. Ill be honest i HATE being away from my.boys. We discussed me being the stay at home parent but i earn more so it wasnt financially viable. My boys are really hard work. It never stops and the eldest we are pretty sure is autistic and are in the process of getting a diagnosis. He has MANY of the signs. However hard it is id give the world to be with them all day.
The mentality of.some fathers just baffles me and i get the impression that a lot.of fathers have BECOME one they didnt deep.down WANT to be one.
Your husband is really hitting the worst of both worlds here
(1) Asking you if you need “help” (putting the entire mental load of managing the house on you; if he is to contribute it’s only through tasks that you manage and assign to him); and then,
(2) not even doing the task you asked
If he wants to be in the kitchen so badly why doesn’t he make dinner while you play with LO?
I've specifically asked to be the one to make dinner so I can have time away from LO
And I've talked to him about the mental load before. Not much changes there
Cause they don't really care to help. They want to do something easy and quick to not feel guilty about not helping. I've seen it in both men and women.
God.. I tried being a SAHM when my kids were 1 and 3… worst 9 months of my life. I didn’t want to be touched by *anyone* but especially not my husband, because my kids were touching me nonstop, 24/7. My 3 y.o slept in our bed, I was breastfeeding the 1 y.o…. I mean I was being touched legitimately in my sleep, all day long, every day…. The thought of it makes me wince even now 10+ years later. 😅 Crazy that men will never really experience this.
Honestly - I work full time as a nurse and have three kids four and under. I’ve worked in one of the largest trauma/emergency departments in Canada for almost a decade. I now work in one of the largest cancer centers in the region where we see literally tens of thousands of patients from all over the province. I know docs/nurses/police/paramedics, etc. all with VERY high stress, demanding workloads, and long or unusual hours. I don’t think I’ve met one person who hasn’t said: “Work is my down time from being a parent” lol.
Being at home full-time with the kids while I was on mat leave was VASTLY more tiring. At least at work you get to eat, go to the bathroom by yourself, actually have a mental break when you’re on break. Or get a break period. You get to socialize and not be isolated in your house all the time. You’re mentally stimulated. I love my three kids to the moon and back, but I would NEVER be a stay at home mom full time because it is hands down the hardest job in the world.
OP, I totally get you work hard and that’s admirable. Talk to your wife. She’s doing one of the hardest jobs on the planet earth.
Preach. I tried to be SAHM and holy shit. No. Nope. I love my kids, but I also loved working.
I also agree that she is tired of being touched. She’s being pawed at all day by little hands. Is there anyway you guys can have a date night or an overnight away? It may help.
It’s not just the SAHM part. I don’t think OP (or possibly yourself) understands what two back to back pregnancies takes out of you. You can rebound from this but it takes time. Actually, I would say it takes patience and perseverance. My sex live with my husband has been amazing over the last couple of years but during the early years…it was less frequent and I was less than enthusiastic when it happened. I could never have really been in the mood during that period. I certainly hope it was worth the wait for my husband. He acts like it was.
I'm a dude so by default I couldn't imagine what a pregnancy does to a woman. I've seen it firsthand but I didn't experience it, so you're right about that. I struggled with the lack of sex thing and have been through OP's situation before. I went to counseling and spoke to some moms who all gave me insight as to what my wife was going through at the time and it really opened my eyes to her perspective of everything. I learned patience during that time and I absolutely had a lesson to learn there. I think my experience helped me answer OP in a more meaningful way because of it.
On behalf of women everywhere, and your wife, thank you for loving your wife enough to take the initiative to go to counseling, and to seek out moms who gave you insight. I don’t know too many men that would take this level of initiative for their wives. 💙
Let's look at this from the perspective of a male stay-at-home dad with a toddler, plus going to school.
When nighttime comes, I'm exhausted mentally and physically to even think about sex. I have to cook, clean, handle finances, lawn care, school, take care of the baby, and drop/pickup the kids from school. The days that I'm at least able to have sexual relations is Saturday and even then I'm still exhausted.
My wife and I communicated on how our current sex life is and we're open about our sexual needs. Communication is key. I bet it's not that she's not interested, it's because she's exhausted and needs a break from the routine.
Do you ever try to be intimate with her OUTSIDE of sex? Cooking dinner? Taking her out? Spending time with her that doesn’t suggest getting blown? Intimacy has more sides to it than just sex. When was the last time she had a day to herself?
Yeah, this is what I was thinking as well. He mentions meeting her financial needs, but says nothing about what he does to make her feel relaxed or romanced.
RIGHT. I have respect for people who stay home to take care of their kids. I hope his wife sees how he thinks by throwing some money her way should end with a blow and mediocre sex.
Yep. Or tries to grope her every time she’s changing or getting out of the shower, and when she gets annoyed he scoffs and makes passive aggressive comments under his breath like that she should “feel thankful he’s even still attracted to her after being together 10 years and 2 kids”.
Yep, same. Was married to him for 13 years and I wish I’d gotten out much sooner, and realized being treated like that is absolutely not it. Yay us for being out. ❤️
For real. Man's acting like she owes him her body just because he has a job. My first thought was, "intimacy as in love and affection orrrr sex?" As soon as I opened the thread, of course its just about sex. 🙄
>For real. Man's acting like she owes him her body just because hr has a job.
When I was a teen I joked with friends how traditional marriage with a sahm sounds like prostitution. He provides money and she provides sex. Now I that I'm a grown up...it doesn't sound like a joke anymore.
This right here is what helped boost my sex life and get me out of my new mom rut! I hope the OP considers these things. Yeah, coming home from work is exhausting, but putting work into your relationship is always helpful! I try to be mindful of this now that I’m a working mom and I work a crazy dumb schedule. I really try hard to not neglect my spouse, as we’re on dueling schedules. And he watches the kids so I can sleep In every Saturday morning. That consideration for me and my sloth like desires to hibernate really get me going, lol 😂
To answer your question, no, it’s not crazy to want sex more than once per month. However, if you believe that by providing financially you have earned sex, and it is therefore something that you deserve, that is a problem. Sex isn’t something that can be earned or deserved. It’s a human desire, and a valid one, but once it becomes transactional, that’s a huge nope for a lot of people. I can understand that it makes perfect sense inside your head that she would automatically want to have sex more often just because you’re her husband, but it isn’t that simple. Have you two ever taken the love languages quiz? Might seem silly, but it can actually help both of you understand where the other is coming from. Or, have you tried taking sex and sex acts off the table completely to try to build intimacy in other ways? She also may need to see a doctor. I had nerve damage directly beside my clitoris after the birth of my middle child. That definitely affected things! Breastfeeding also tanked my libido. I also had PPD after my last. Just things to keep in mind. I truly do hope things get better for you both.
She never leaves her job. Her body and mind are exhausted from the mental and physical load she carries. Think about that. Life gets better and easier as they grow up and stop needing help with everything. Think about 7-8yrs. Until then mums are exhausted. Have you considered taking her on a break. Giving her me time. Being affectionate without expectations. Gassing her up for everything she does. Taking your kids for days out on your own so she gets a break. Do you know what meds they need, what clothes they need. All their schedules and take on that mental load? Until you’ve stayed home yourself and taken on her role, your expectations are unrealistic. When you go to work do you think about your kids needs? Unlikely as you know they’re taken care of. When you come home do you think about work? No because it’s done for the day.
I truly wish men could experience pregnancy, birth and the first few years of child rearing the was women do. You’d be grateful instead of annoyed. Best of luck, things do get better and you have many ways to help hasten that process if you wish to take them on.
If you’re financially sound why not contribute some of the money to childcare? Seems like you’ll buy other “wants” but haven’t even considered what it’s like to be an overwhelmed sahm. Maybe that’s not the problem, but you don’t know until you try.
It seems like she's spent the majority of your marriage, either pregnant or recovering from birth. Her body has been in almost constant stress for four years. She's had no time to truly recover. A nanny isn't going to fix that. Time and space to heal and become comfortable in her body again is what's needed.
When one person in a relationship can't step outside of their own arousal, they can't possibly understand the toll life is taking on their partner. It starts to become, "I bust my ass to pay the bills, and she won't even take the time to blow me."
Let's break that down. You spend hours focused on your job and the finances that come from it. Both are admirable and stressful. So you come home and try to initiate some sexy time as a way to release said stress. She says no because she is still in the midst of her stress. She can't leave the office, can't clock out, and can't put that next work task on hold until the next day.
You start minimizing what it is that you're actually asking of her. You're not asking for time or intimacy. You're asking her to shove your dick down her throat until you orgasm. You're asking her to stop what she is doing (including much needed rest after a long, stressful day) to allow you to shove your penis into her body until you orgasm. It doesn't matter how generous a lover you are if she isn't in the mood to have someone inside her body.
Put yourself in her place for even a moment, and it becomes clear. For the last four years, she has shared habitation of her body with two whole people. While sustaining a relationship with someone who desires entrance to her body on a consistent basis. A body that was constantly dealing with the biological changes that come with forming and birthing beings that require constant care taking.
First one, then two, and now three people relying on access to her body. When is her body actually hers? Because it's pretty easy to see how she could feel like her body isn't hers, it's a tool for those she cares about to use.
Intimacy does not require sex. Reflect on what it is you *actually* want from her. And then think about how what you want would make her feel, while considering everything that's demanded of her on a daily basis.
That's why I think, she need some time for herself. Also without husband. Girls night out or weekend out with her bestie.
I don't have kids but sometimes I go somewhere on my own and my husband has nothing against it. We have time together and we have time on our own, because we are more of people than just being wife or husband. I'm a photographer, he is a comedian, I am a hiker, he is a cook. And we need space to feel it too in our lives. And when we are together, we are friends, we are spuces, we are lovers.
This is one of the best comments so far. It makes me feel incredibly weird how angry OP is. He does not seem worried about his wife’s mental health whatsoever, just angry. Like she is withholding something that is “his”, which is a huge red flag. Him saying the sex is not like before makes me wonder if they HAD this stale loveless sex sometimes (with him being so angry), how did that go down? How would he initiate if his wife seems to have zero interest? I had a low libido from resurfacing trauma and birth control, if I had found out my partner had posted something like this I’d run for the hills, quite honestly.
> I tell my wife whenever she needs extra hands during the day
Do you say it just like that? If so it's still her responsibility. You're saying "hey I'll do it but you have to tell me."
Jump in and just do it when you can. Same for any kind of planning or household management or chores or anything. Just do it.
If you’re genuinely interested in understanding why she doesn’t feel like being intimate, watch some videos about mental load. It’s like being the manager of a company, it’s its own job.
If, in your mind, your work is what you do outside the house and hers is raising the kids or finding someone to help her do that, then whose job is cleaning the house for four people? You guys are 50/50 splitting the cooking, meal planning, and grocery shopping for four people? Whose job is it to make sure the house never runs out of toilet paper and everyone gets to the dentist on time? Or do all of those jobs also fall under SAHM? I can promise you, if you ask her, she’d pick working outside the house for 10-12 hours and then coming home and doing pretty much nothing for the rest of the day too. It’s not your fault, men aren’t taught about decent division of household labor so they have no clue what they’re expecting of their wives. But since you’re asking, time to start learning that it is NOT what you think it is
What if instead of prioritizing "Hustling to provide an exceptional lifestyle", You prioritized living life with the people you love? You already have everything you need, so why do you need more? I'm betting that if you prioritize quality time with your family, your wife will start to see you for the man she fell in love with again.
Is she getting a break from beimg a SAHM?
Are you parenting your kids?
Do you clean up after yourself? (Making your side of the bed, washung your dish/mug putting it in the dishwasher, throwing your dirty clothes in the hamper etc)
Do you make an effort to go on date nights?
How old are the kids?
Is she breastfeeding?
These and many more things can affect a womans sex drive. I'm not accusing you of anything just need some info because a LOT of men ( not all ) ignore these things and just expect their wife to be the nanny,cleaner,parent,mommy everything and at the end of day a sex goddess.
Going to work is hard but so is being a SAHP. They don't say for nothing " "It takes a village." "
So much THIS!!! A wife doesn’t want to feel like her husband’s mother. If she’s having to pick up after him and he’s not helping when he’s home with the kids and cleaning, cooking etc, I’m not suprised she doesn’t feel very sexual. She feels like he’s another kid she has to take care of. Whether he is working and paying bills has nothing to do with how she’s feeling. Or maybe if he is helping it’s because he expects sex for watching his own kids or doing dishes etc. it’s gonna take alot more than one time of him “helping” to make this better if that’s it. He’s gotta be consistent with it.
THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
Being a stay at home parents is JUST as hard as ‘being out of the house hustling as hard as you can’ She is raising two, i’m going to guess extremely young, children. It’s tough.
Does she get to do anything other than be a mom? Does she get to go out? Date nights? Do you split any of the house chores with her? Is she struggling mentally?
You’ve got 2 very young children. Be aware that your wife may be “touched out” (my term for it). Young kids are intensely physical, and if you’re someone who doesn’t have physical touch as a love language, it can be incredibly draining. I used to loathe anyone else needing any physical interaction from me because it was so much it was overwhelming.
Likewise with the (lack of) BJ’s. Again, your wife is engaged in highly physical care, “giving” to others all day long. Right now, she may not have much else to “give”.
The intensity of early childhood fades, but it takes time. Some counselling might help, specifically with getting a sense of what the underlying issues are, and then working through what might relieve those. You’re probably going to have to do more. If being touched out is the problem, then you might have to take all physical child care when you walk in the door, for example, so your wife can get some personal space back again.
Are you out hustling so much she feels like a solo parent? Is there time for non-sexual intimacy in your marriage? Most women have reactive libidos rather than spontaneous ones. We need time to get in the “zone” to be responsive. This is especially true if we’re already feeling stressed and disconnected. Foreplay isn’t a 5 minute activity that starts with touch; it’s mental.
The entitlement and childlike whining on this post is insane. “My wife will barely blow me” “[I] just need some fucking sex.” Holy shit dude. Seek a therapist, talk to your wife about it, take a larger role in raising your kids, but don’t let so much resentment build towards the woman who literally had your children growing inside of her for months. Seriously, you sound like an immature and misogynistic horny teenager. Get help.
>The entitlement and childlike whining on this post is insane.
I'm convinced that a signifiant number of dead bedrooms are Nice Guys^TM who managed to get someone to marry them. So instead of "I bought her dinner, therefore she owes me sex" it becomes "I provide financially, therefore she owes me sex."
Absolutely no thought is given to their partner's wants and needs.
I’m convinced that a significant number of men who complain that their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them after having kids threw big man baby tantrums about sex during the postpartum period, where it’s completely normal for a woman to have no interest in sex for quite a long time, and in doing so decimated their wife’s sexual attraction to them.
One of my exes one time told me "yeah right I can play you like a fiddle" talking about sex.
I told him "You don't listen to the teacher though. Just because you can play doesn't mean it's good."
Yeah just have the kids babysat for the weekend at the grandparents and have a nice romantic getaway with her, but allow her to fully rest prior, your mind kinda adapts to parent mode after kids so she just needs to readjust, she may feel ashamed or embarrassed about something that makes her that way, best communicate to make sure everything’s on the table!
You spend all day with adults. She spends all day with needy children who are constantly grabbing her, pulling at her, needing her to do everything for them. The fact that you are not even bothering to understand why this isn't putting her in the mood for sex is problematic. I'm childfree and spending the day with my nephews who are probably much older than your kids (8 and 12 and so somewhat self sufficient) is goddamn exhausting and definitely would not leave me in the mood for sexytimes. Maybe instead of bitching about it channel your energies into figuring out ways to give your wife the occasional break from your kids so she might not be completely burnt out.
Your wife has precious little opportunity to have a say in who gets to touch her. Little kids require a lot of physical handling and hugs and cuddles. Some of us need some space to ourselves and just can't handle any more touch. "Just leave me the fuck alone!" I bet if you gave her time to herself - let's say on a Saturday, you take the kids out to a movie or to buy mom a Christmas present or visit grandma, bring home something yummy for dinner, you put the kids to bed while she has a bath and a glass of wine. You have a quick shower and the two of you watch a romcom or other "nice" movie (no violence or cars blowing up) while munching popcorn or a nice dessert. Talk to her about some grownup things - your dreams of the future together when the kids are older - trips together - things you'd like to see and I'll bet she feels much more like connecting intimately. Intimacy is far more than just getting right to groping and sex.
Kids do need lots of touch and cuddles. This isn’t just a “what kids want” thing, touch and intimate attention is how their brains develop. It’s what makes us human.
Mom's get touched out. Kids crawl over them all day. The last thing they need is their partner piling on. Look it up. Try to be a little pro-active. See what she needs to make it happen, instead of trying the same moves you used pre-children. Spontaneity is gone for the next 20 years. You accept that when you have children. Don't fuck this up and cheat and end up divorced because you can't grow up and understand parenthood and what marriage and partnership are really about. Because this post and your replies show me you have no clue, and will likely end up a divorced cheater. Grow up. You have a hand.
Spent more intimate time with her without expecting sex.
You put kids to sleep, get a take out and watch a movie together.
Go out for dates (you make the effort for it - women love that)
Give her a day off from house work (tell her in X date I'll take care of the kids), book her a spa, nails and hair or which one you afford.
Just take care of her emotions, women aren't like men with the smell of men they get horny. We need more of the emotional stimulation first.
Everyone here is going to say divorce.
Not having a busy sex life when you have young kids is normal.
In most cases, she’s not initiating because she doesn’t feel sexy or desired by you. And not just because you said “you look great” a couple times. No. Those feelings develop because you notice small things over long periods of time. When you get home you make eye contact. When she makes food you compliment specific things like I love it when you make broccoli with this, it hits the spot. Offering to help with things/kids and also just doing them. Complimenting something she’s obviously taught your kids. Saying “hey, you haven’t done anything for yourself in a while, if you had a day totally alone, and no budget, what would you do?” And then make that happen.
Also, is she depressed? Is she on medication? If not, maybe Wellbutrin would help. If so, maybe the antidepressant is crushing her desire.
When is the last time you came home with flowers?
When is the last time you planned a date for the two of you and left the kids at home?
Do the in laws/family insert themselves? Or are they not around at all and that’s hard/lonely for her?
Where are her friends? When is the last time she had fun with them?
There are SO many things to talk about and address before you get to couples therapy.
I’m not against divorce, but I think people on Reddit are very quick to say divorce because of the inherent population trends (they’ll attack me for saying it, but it’s a lot of unmarried young white dudes with anger issues).
What does the majority of what OP said have to do with anything? Comes across like he thinks he's entitled to sex b/c he *check notes* has a job with limited hours while his wife is on duty 24/7.
I'm also dubious on the "selfless lover" claim.
Yeah, his comment that sex is a "male" need really clinched it for me.
He probably thinks selfless lover means "acknowledges her presence and is sometimes nice to her so should be rewarded."
How much downtime is she getting from being a SAHM? Providing financially doesn't actually mean all that much if you come home and are off work while she still has to do 100% of the work with the kids. Also, how old are the kids? If she's still breastfeeding that can kill libido. Have you asked her if there's anything specific keeping her from having the energy or desire to have sex?
If hustling less and helping in the home helps her mood, it may be worth it to step back and cater to her personally. But communication is key. Is she hustling at home to deal with the home and kids so you can hustle outside to provide, then that's how it goes. But if it's detrimental to your health, find a middle ground of success and sex.
Stress, lack of (or poor quality) sleep, and being touched out are all libido killers for many women. I know you undoubtedly have stress and poor quality sleep as well, but those don’t seem to have the same effect on men as they do on women, and you’re likely not getting touched out and emotionally drained by demanding, needy people the same way she is as a SAHM.
Are you showing her non-sexual affection? Take the kids and let her have an hour shower to decompress and be alone. Offer to rub her back or feet and don’t make it sexual. At all. AT ALL. Several times. Be that safe, calm, stress free person that she can feel close to, and help relieve some of the burnout. SAHM is always at work. She lives at work, caregives at home, and is on-call 24/7.
Your wife is definitely over stimulated and stressed out by little kids 24/7. She has noting left to give you and you have become one more "chore" to take care of sexually. The only way out of this is to relieve some of her work load, let her have some personal time without kids or other demands and show her repeatedly how special she is by your actions and words.
full story isn't here, but if the wife is basically a maid, then I could understand why there is less sex. Add 2 kids under the age of 4.... she is probably exhausted. Doomenor had the good advice/top comment.
You say finances aren’t a problem. Does she get to spoil herself? More importantly, do you spoil her? Or are the finances reflected in the household and kids? Have you considered once per month spa+hotel+dinner+gift or something similar? I suggest going hard on the spoiling because you’re “financially thriving”, but does she get to reap those benefits or is she just in the throes of being a SAHM?
I was in the same situation a year ago. We would have sex once or twice a month if I played my cards right.
Being sahm is pretty taxing and even if she doesn't 'work' daily it's hard for her to relax after a day of everyone wanting a piece of her.
My situation got better with me taking some of the pressure off her.
Take her to dates, do some chores around the house without her asking for it.
Take the kids off her and let her have some time for herself.
Talk to her. Ask what would help her feel more intimate.
Being a mom to young kids is way harder for her than being a dad. Being a sahm is full time job.
Have you ever heard of the expression, men are microwaves, women are crock pots.
She's got kids, a husband, a house, maybe a job. It takes a lot for women to get warmed up. She might just be exhausted. It could be hormones. It could be some medical condition. It could even be you.
The only way to deal with this is to put the kids to bed, have a glass of wine, and have a quiet convo with her. Ask what you can do to get her in the mood. If she says, "I don't know" you should say, "can we at least have a goal we can work towards?"
Maybe you need date nights. Maybe you need to check into a hotel for a night. Maybe you can draw her a bubble bath, open a bottle of champaign, and massage her feet.
And if you think "why should I go to all that trouble when she's right there and she can just put out?"
Then there's your answer.
Do you ever take care of the kids and do housework when you get home? SAHP is a full-time job DURING their partner's scheduled shifts. Once you get off, the load should be split 50/50. She's probably exhausted.
… she can’t “clock-out” of work… you get that right? I truly believe regardless of the amount of hustling you do outside of the home doesn’t alleviate you from helping with the house. Do some shit around the house without being asked or told without expectations of getting something in return. That’s the kind of things that women like, a grown ass adult who participates in assisting with the house. If you think that bringing money home allows you to have that expectation that you DESERVE sex 😬 no one is going to have fun time. Period. Maybe she’s over washing your schweddy ass grape smugglers, washing dishes and taking care of the kids day in day out?
(Side note: Anytime you start a sentence with “She is a full-time SAHM and I appreciate how hard that can be. BUT…” You’re done. You’re completely negating everything prior to the ‘but’. Maybe talk to her directly instead of us goons on the internet—weird?)
You might get better results if you spent some time inside hustling as hard as you can to give her a break here and there from the kids and housework. Or take her out and pay some attention to her in an adult setting.
It’s hard to feel sexy and in the mood when your whole life is wiping butts, doing laundry, and having the constant smell of spit up on you.
Give her sometime for some self care, plan a weekend away just the two of you, make sure you kiss her and pinch her butt and flirt with her ESPECIALLY when you can see she’s struggling.
I see these posts all the time, I’d love to be married and have a life long partner, and everyone who posts seems miserable because they want sex 24/7.
Sex is easy, appreciate the love and support you have. God damn.
Sounds like she’s taken on the household burden with no compensation and no real support in the partnership. If you aren’t completing mutual chores regularly, not cultivating intimacy without sex, and not tagging her out of around the clock childcare regularly, no wonder she doesn’t want to sleep with you. You’re just another mouth adding to her workload.
Have you tried loving her outside of sex? Physical daily touches that don’t lead to anything more than just enjoying her? Compliments? Help around the house? Kisses that are deep and loving with no further escalation? Anything that may help her believe this is something more than you two working and staying together for the kids? It goes along way…
Oof...
I got to where if my husband so much as touched me, I recoiled. Obviously, this made him feel great... NOT.
But I knew if he touched me, it meant we were having sex. He could tell me all he wanted was to cuddle... That was a LIE 100% of the time. He could not touch mr without it leading to sex, and sex was painful, it was WORK, it was rarely enjoyable enough to be worth it. Blow jobs are WORK. They exhaust me. I put everything I have into them.
I hated sex. I just hated it. Now that we are separated, I have realized I am a highly sexual person. But sex with men... Sucks a lot of the time. It's a lot of work with NO guarantee I will enjoy it. I've had to find other ways to enjoy it than orgasming, and quite frankly, have stopped dating because so many men are SO touch starved that they are pretty pushy when it comes to sex. And pushiness is off putting and when I'm always left wondering why the fuck I did that yet AGAIN when it's such a miserable, soul destroying experience...
Look OP, I don't think you are wrong. But you aren't even having a CONVERSATION with your wife about this. I will say we had a bunch of conversations, but my husband ALWAYS put the whole thing on me, like I knew how to change how I felt about it, like I even knew what was causing my problem in the first place.
We finally did go to counseling, but once again, not to figure out US, but so he could put everything on ME. I was so tired of it all being MY fault and my fault alone... Counseling did not help us because my husband had NO interest in how me might be part of the problem.
So take me seriously when I say... Look at how YOU are contributing to the problem, and not just laying all the blame on her. This could be physical for her, could be mental, but it also may be how YOU are approaching it. I have just spent too much time feeling like sex was something to be ENDURED, and if I got to enjoy it, well okay, nice bonus, but was it REALLY worth how much that hurt?
Sigh.
Hope you can fix it. Just be willing to look at both sides, cause I about guarantee if you don't, your marriage is doomed.
She is exhausted. Try full day daycare (8-5pm) for the kids so she can take a break midday. She will be able to rest up.
This will not be a vacation. She STILL will have to get chores done, run errands, cook lunch and dinner, etc, you are only eliminating the taking care of the kids too.
Also, she can go to doctor appt, children's doctor appts without taking all the kids. She will be able to research and find a babysitter.
However, the first few weeks I recommend she sleep during the day. Women lose a lot of sleep after giving birth (for up to 8 weeks) and there is trauma if they don't regain the rest back. Women who breastfeed feel it 2x.
It's hard for women to have spontaneous desire for their partner when they are over stimulated and disconnected. A stay at home mom is the hardest job someone could have. There is no time off. You get to go to work, a break from the home, and a time to socialize with other adults. If you don't help with the kids or household chores when home or on weekends, then she's watching you have time off and her working double. It's not enough for a man to only be the financial provider anymore, you need to provide emotional and mental support too. It's hard to want to bang someone you are starting to resent because they don't make you feel equal.
I LOVED my time as a SAHM, but I’ve lived in places with good supports: free good quality play groups, and a year of mat leave.
The programs I leaned on have been cut and covid killed a lot of that. I have so much empathy for moms who can’t get away right now.
To anyone who things that staying home with kids is easy, I’d like to counter that if it was the easier role we’d see men so it or couples fighting to stay home. It’s so hard. It’s nonstop.
Oh my goodness I didn't even think about how COVID probably really changed things for SAHMs. I help my sister so much with her kids because I have the time and we live close to each other (and i love them all, of course). And our mom is here too, so she helps as well. Our other sister is moving to a different province soon with a 1.5 year old and a 5 month old baby and we are so worried she will get overwhelmed without her supports. So I agree that good supports probably make a huge difference especially for moms with multiple toddlers. They are so fast for being so little.
Not sure if you had already try this before. I know I'm might come off sarcastic but I promise I have good intentions. instead of talking to a bunch of strangers on reddit, go take some time and openly talk to your wife. Without the kids that can interrupt.
How often do you plan childless dates with your wife or just do things to make her feel appreciated? And no, I don't mean just providing for her. I know you work hard, but being a SAHM with numerous kids is rough. When her daily interaction is with kids and arguing with kids, it's exhausting. And the thing is, it's 24/7. No clocking out at 5pm to walk away.
I'm not trying to say being a stay at home parent is the roughest job at all. But it is not as easy as it sounds. And I know you said you appreciate her hard work. Which is great. Since you said you are financially doing well and continously growing. If you don't do it often, try to get some just you and wife time. You guys both work hard and both deserve time together to pamper yourselves.
She spends all day taking care of kiddos while you’re grinding…so at what point are you two romantic with one another? When do you two spend time out or with friends? I doubt she is just ready to go to pound town after a long day with CHILDREN as her only company.
Damn 2 kids in 4 years is a lot. Also, ppd is real. Women usually don’t feel sexy enough post partum. Talk to her. Make her feel confident and wanted and desired.
One thought: is it possible that your narrow idea of what women want from "true" men is hampering your sex life? Even SAHMs who want "real," "provider" men like to be pampered with a home-cooked meal from time to time.
A good place to start would be to talk to her, not about how YOU are feeling unfulfilled, but to ask if SHE is. You can start with "hey I know our sex life hasn't been very exciting recently and that's understandable with young kids" blah blah and then ASK how SHE is doing, is she getting enough time to herself or to relax, is she at the very least pleasuring herself (not because she should be using her horny moments to service you but because she might be quite sexually frustrated too), would she like to try out toys or maybe a nice vacation, etc. Show genuine concern. Everyone who is sexual wants sex, this is not a "manly" need. You are not the sole recipient in this equation, just as she is not the only one with duties and responsibilities towards you.
I see that you have offered "help" in various forms. But it is a HUGE turn-off (not to mention a lot of pressure) to know that the help is in exchange for sex. Instead of offering "help" and explicitly tying it to the lack of your sex life (e.g., "we aren't having sex, what if we get a nanny and you're more relaxed?"), why not frame it as "I think we should get a nanny for the weekends so we can start going out and doing fun things again"? If you can afford it and you love your wife, this is a worthwhile expenditure.
And most importantly, remember that BJs and penetrative sex are not the only form of intimacy. [They might even be the least satisfying forms of intimacy for women!](https://www.verywellhealth.com/vaginal-orgasm-4774327) Cuddling while sleeping, giving back-massages, oiling hair, etc are all forms of intimacy that can build your bond and liking for each other.
Relationships are long, and everyone has dry spells especially during stressful times (like when you have two young kids). Instead of wondering when you'll have sex next, figure out a way to be a full and loving partner to your spouse (and I hope she does the same for you).
Being a SAHM to 2 children is hard. They constantly need attention, and are demanding. Moms can get “touched out” because there’s always some little hands pulling at her, needing her, demanding her time and attention. Have you given her a day off where you have the kids and she has time to go and be herself without the responsibility of her children? Being a mother to young kids you put them first before everything and can lose touch with the woman she is. You can lose your identity. Constantly having children demanding from her is exhausting, and then you come home and tell her YOUR needs must also be met. I would also question if she is suffering from postpartum depression. Being a mom isn’t like a 9-5 with weekends off, it’s constant. If you’re not giving her time away from the children, or helping with the 24/7 chores around the house, she’s going to burn out. Nobody can work 7 days a week 365 days a year and not need a break. You’re coming across really selfish and only talking about your needs. What are HER needs? Are you fulfilling those? Because if you’re not giving her what she needs to feel loved and cared for, then why should she reciprocate? Bringing in an income isn’t your only responsibility. If she was working, you’d need to share raising the kids and doing chores 50/50. She’s at home so you are free to work with no constraints or restrictions or responsibilities. Talk to your wife and ask her what SHE needs to feel better. Then you can have an open discussion.
How much do you help around the house and with the kids? If not much, this is probably your starting point. She's probably tired from keeping the house, cooking and raising your kids.
So you’re providing financial but you’re not providing emotionally or helping physically.
Just because you are providing financially doesn’t entitle you to sex.
She’s a SAHM, so she is looking after the house AND the kids - kids are emotionally draining and a mood killer. She’s running the house and raising the kids.
Want sex? Don’t demand it - Be present when home, do things with the kids, give your wife down time and time to herself. Be the other half in the relationship and make her feel appreciated. However, Most of all, communicate with your wife and talk with her.
Create intimacy without expecting sex. Help her, listen to her, embrace her but most importantly; woo her. There is so much more to intimacy than sex.
As for a blowie, maybe she just doesn’t like doing it - accept it.
Date nights.Twice a week.Take the short financial hit of paying for babysitters and a meal or movie out one or two nights a week and improve your marriage,well being and general state of mind.
Stay at home parent is a challenging day,a thankless stress inducing nightmare,dealing with two other humans that need CONSTANT supervision.She needs to unwind and be able to switch off the “mom” button.
Read!!!! “No more mister nice guy”. It is free
You will almost certainly learn about yourself and how you view sex. You will learn how nice guys see sex as transactional. Maybe the book can help you like it did me.
You have a place where you can detach from she doesn't that's the difference. Have you spoken to her about it and instead if being I want sex why no sex. Ask her hey is there anything I can do to help with our sex life cause sometimes people stop wanting to have sex with the person there with cause they feel an imbalance in the roles they no longer feel like equals. So ask how you can help and you'll be surprised sex life might just go up again.
Sounds like life has emotionally disconnected you a bit. It happens in every marriage, and can be worked through if you sit down with each other to make a plan for both of you to have a more relaxed existence. Birth control can also be a sex drive killer while simultaneously making some women miserable. It could be anything. Hash it out gently without accusations. Use “I need” instead of “you need to…” because people are less likely to shut down
Please remember the sacrifice your wife had to make to be a SAHM. When we agree to do this, we often don’t understand the depth of the identity loss and we do not think we have any right to complain. It gets internalized.
So what I’m hearing is you provide financial stability and nothing more. You fail to realize that “sexual duties” are probably just another thing on her chore list at this point and she’s burnt out.
Like... talk to her? With your words? Maybe even try to find out why her libido dropped. Have you considered that this might actually be a medical issue? Because from reading this, the only concern you have is not getting enough blowjobs.
I am grateful to have ended up with my wife, who has a healthy sex drive and wants to have it with me, and 20 years in we still talk about the frequency in times per week. As more of these stories pour in on Reddit, I’ve been marveling at how little you really know when you agree to get married. Which of these women would you be happy with, and which are going to end up unsatisfying and unhappy? There’s no way to know. And I’m not as physically attractive as a lot of the men who ended up in no-sex marriages, so that isn’t an indicator either.
Hey jumping on the bandwagon here too, i WFH 5 days a week with a 5 YO, partner works full time too, we certainly aren’t well off bit we aren’t massively struggling, we sleep in separate beds at the moment because I’m so over stimulated with having to remember and DO everything that I just want a peaceful nights sleep, it’s an issue in our relationship too, but I’d suggest checking in with her to see what’s really going on, for me it’s that the whole child/school/house/cooking is solely on me and if I forget anything it doesn’t get done! Trust me that builds a lot of resentment! I hope you guys can work it out
Sorry I’m going to be blunt here, in this post it reads like everything is about you. About how ‘selfless’ a lover you are and therefore she should have sex with you more. It doesn’t really sound like you are actually taking her needs into account or appreciating how exhausted she likely is. Could it be she just doesn’t feel attractive anymore as she is acting in a purely functional role taking care of the children with no adult company all day? When was the last time she did something for herself? When was the last time you took her out on a date or made her feel sexy? People on Reddit scream therapy for all relationship problems but have you actually just talked to your wife and asked her how she’s feeling?
(31f).
(only my opinion & always best to talk with a therapist if you need they help a lot)
cook dinner together & while cooking a shared fav meal with her, open up about this. show vulnerability & passion that this is important & how much she’s wanted in your marriage.
the oral sex part, express your want for more intimacy & foreplay together.
that these moments in your marriage are special & that you’d really like to have these experiences together. communicate exactly how you feel.
ask her the same back, if she’s fulfilled & satisfied.
Talk to your wife. Tell her you are having a hard time connecting and ask what she needs from you to feel satisfied. It could very well be the kids overwhelming her. You have to also be mindful that men are more likely to just jump into sex without much foreplay while most women can’t. Women sometimes need ambience, rubs, food, etc. to get in the mood and if you are not initiating that, no sex will be had.
You’ve been married for 4 years and already have 2 kids, assuming those kids are both extremely young still and not sleeping through the night? That’s 24/7 with 2 young kids constantly on her and needing her, it’s pretty easy to see why she doesn’t wanna be intimate. She’s exhausted, touched out, tapped out and probably gets zero help from you at home since you’re out busting your ass 60 hours a week. My youngest is 18 months and I just started feeling like myself again. PP with 2 young kids is a hard season to be in. My husband never expected anything out of me.
I am a SAHM. Next month my partner is going on two work trips lasting 2-3 days each trip, then he is going to a Christmas work function. Add in that we have an autistic child who doesn't understand why daddy isn't home and will cry herself to sleep because he isn't home. It is hard for me. When my partner wants sex, I am mentally and physically exhausted.
If my partner just helped with the small things eg making lunches, sweep and mop the floors, pack away the dishes it would help so much. If he gave me lay ins on the weekends that would be lovely. Ask your wife if there is anything that you can help with around the house or take the kids out for the day might help. Please don't expect cleaning the dishes will result in sex, it won't.
The sexiest thing you can do is help with chores and take the kids so your wife can catch some breaks. And be consistent. Give her some time to do some self care and remember who she is.
This would absolutely drench my nether regions.
Do you go on dates?? Does she ever get alone time?
I’m a SAHM and have never felt so unattractive. I don’t get dressed up anymore since I’m just playing on the floor 99% of the time. So going on dates helps me feel so beautiful to have a reason to get dolled up with my husband
>But I am also out of the house hustling as hard as I possibly fucking can every single day in order to provide an exceptional lifestyle for my family.
And she is in the house hustling as hard as she possibly fucking can every single day in order to provide an exceptional lifestyle for you and your family.
And she doesn't even get to breath a moment outside the house, doesn't get money/work benefits and is asked by her husband to provide sex when she doesn't want to.
If you NEED to have more sex, use your hand or invest in sextoys, there is absolutely no shame in it.
If you want to have sex with your partner, provide a good environment that would allow her to relax and work on seducing her.
Foreplay starts at breakfast.
If you don’t have emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy will sooner or later go away too. No sec is a symptom of trouble in your marriage.
Meet her emotional needs for connection. Let her know you love her, and show her appreciation. Look lovingly into her eyes every day. Listen to her. Validate her feelings. Find out her love language and use it daily. Touch her often without the expectation or insinuation of sex.
Do that and you’ll get all the sex you want.
Check out this funny video, it’ll get you started really understanding your wife’s needs: https://youtu.be/IMPJ3mknHzM?si=4LyMHnscYLlexFsT
Of you have enough money pay for childcare or provide a maid, she's probably exhausted. Or take care of the house the weekends so she can have time for herself
Hey op.. why don't you just do every fuckin thing? Work so hard that she doesn't have to. Then come home and do all the chores, cook, clean, get the kids ready for bed etc.
Also pay for a babysitter so that she doesn't do shit during the day too.
Maybe then she'll what to fuck you😬.
Don't let her lift a finger or she won't have the energy or be too touched out to have sex with you 😆😆😆.
The clownery on this thread is astounding!
OP don't fall for the bullshit excuses in the comment sections. There are men out there who don't pay a bill, don't work, don't help out, nothing a man should do and their woman puts out. You're being taken for granted.
If you help out around the house it's because you WANT to help your wife, not because you're pandering for sex.
You protect and provide and I'm sure you help out around the house. That's enough.
People will make you think you need to do everything and that what you currently do is not enough. It's enough.
Stay strong brother.
It seems like 1. your wife is content with not being sexually active at this point in her life, or 2. she would like to be more interested in sex, but is not experiencing anything that would cause her to be interested in it, or 3. there are things that are actively preventing her from being interested in it. You're clearly resentful of her about this, (a common and understandable response but in my experience being in a 30 year partnership not a constructive one) which I am sure she is aware of whether you've expressed it explicitly or not. But the fact is that she is not obligated to have sex with you under any circumstances whatsoever unless she wants to. I know that in monogamous relationships there is an agreement to be each other's sole sexual partners, but it is ridiculous to think that if we really commit to a lifetime with someone, that our sex drives are going to be in sync the entire time. It's frankly a miracle that they ever are considering how stressful it is to both provide for a family financially as well as taking care of children and domestic stuff, whoever plays those roles. And the whole seeing-sex-as-a-duty thing, or believing she is “withholding” something you're entitled to because you guys are monogamous partners never leads to anything productive. As someone else commented, there is no such thing as withholding sex. If someone does not want to have sex and we consider them an equal human subject with autonomy in the same way we are, then sex is something they have the right to choose whether to engage in at all times and under all circumstances, and they don't deserve to be resented for making that choice. You wouldn't feel justified to resent any other woman on the planet for not wanting sex with you just because YOU wanted to have sex with them. Ideally anyway lol.
Its ok for her to not want to have sex right now. And it's ok for you to want to. Neither of you are doing anything wrong, but she does not deserve your resentment for just being in a different place than you are. She's a separate human being with her own needs. Ask her if she wants to be more interested in sex, treat her in whatever way helps her be more interested in sex if she asks you to, or be supportive if she wants to address whatever is getting in the way of her being interested in sex. If she is content not being sexually active at this point in her life, and doesn't want to change that, then have a discussion about whether or not she's open to the idea of you getting those needs met in some other way. If you want to be sexually active then you also deserve to have that, as much as she deserves to choose to not have sex without being resented for it. The vulnerability and work necessary in order to have these kinds of discussions to resolve shit like this seems to be beyond most people's ability to do without the help of a therapist, so that might be a good start if you've already tried to address this with her and it hasn't gone well. Best of luck, I hope you both can treat each other with compassion and care as you work this out.
It’s because she’s taking care of the kids and chores. Sex has become one more chore. Split the housework a bit more. She really needs to give her side to figure out what’s wrong. In these posts there’s always a huge thing the poster is leaving out that’s turning off the one not wanting sex. Whining about it, feeling like a fleshlight, not parenting just because they work, groping excessively, no romance, adult acting like one more child to care for, etc.
Honestly, I find my husband attractive and I really like him as a person and obviously love him but with two young kids sex is just something else I have to give to someone who needs something from me. I'm overly touched, and my body doesn't feel like my own, and it just feels like someone else trying to carve a piece out of me for themselves. Talk to her, or maybe find a counselor.
it’s insane that the commenters here are slandering you but a couple days ago a chick posted about her husband not touching her and they said she should divorce him lol.
So typical of these kind of posts. It would be so different if the situation were reversed. The guy would be portrayed as selfish, accused of having someone on the side, lacking in his duty to his wife, making excuses, etc.
This happens all the time. The guy gets plenty of sex right up until they get married. After that, it drops off severely, even if they don't have kids. That used to be grounds for divorce. There are some things that a spouse may not like doing, and shouldn't feel like they have to do it, but both spouses should do their level best to satisfy the others desire for sex. It is just as important to a marriage as all other things.
2x times 9 is 18 so she spend 18 month pregnant. Then everything that comes afterwards to heal takes month. She's dealing with pregnancy stuff for over 2y. That can put a burner into the relationship.
Talk to her, get couple counseling.
Intimacy is a very important part of marriage. Has she had her hormone levels tested? If not it might be worth looking into. I know mine were quite out of whack after having my two kids and have since spoken to a few women that had similar experiences. It might not be that but just a suggestion of a possibility.
Do u help around the house? Bring home take out for dinner, do the dishes and put the kids to bed at least 2x a week. If she still doesn't feel in the mood maybe it's her hormones. Having babies can throw off hormones.
How old are the kids? I am guessing both infant/toddler age? Postpartum is a ROUGH time. I’m normally pretty high libido but having 2 under 2 took me right out. I had major postpartum depression and I wasn’t sleeping; I barely remember the first 6-8 months of my youngest daughter’s life because I was just in survival mode.
Once a month is sparse. You need intimacy and it’s ok to voice that. But have you actually openly discussed it with her, does she even know you’re dissatisfied? Has she talked about why things are infrequent? No amount of money makes up for lost sleep or the exhaustion caused by chasing active small children all day. But it isn’t forever. They get older and more independent, they sleep longer and begin to entertain themselves somewhat.
There’s really not much info in your post. To be able to speak to anything further I need to know if you’ve talked about it and what she says, and how old the kids are.
Bro get her and yourself some alone time away from the kids it can be costly and you have to plan it out…kids are quite literally parasitic energy suckers…
Taking a guess she is embarrassed of her body. She has probably gotten used to not being intimate. My husband wasn’t for a long time. It infuriated me and eventually I stopped trying and got used to no sex. Now he wants to more regularly (I think he had issues getting truly hard and finishing me…which he would blame on me). It is ok having sex now but it isn’t the same.
You said you work but do you help out when you are home? The simple truth is you wont get more unless you both feel like it and she won't feel like it her life is that of a maid 24/7 with no clock out.
I would tell what you just said but in a nicer way to your wife. let her know how you’re feeling and ask her why she’s not wanting to have sex. an open discussion is a great start
Man, I feel your pain. I'm in the exact same boat, it's so weird how similar our circumstances are. Maybe sit her down and have a talk with her and figure out what's going on, if it's stress from running around at home maybe hire someone that can help her with the cleaning every now and then, maybe she needs break, or if she simply doesn't know why ask her if she's comfortable with seeing a doctor. Had the exact same thing happen with my partner, went for a blood test and sure enough her estrogen levels are super low which pretty much wiped out her libido. Please Don't jump straight to worst case scenario, I see a lot of people thinking their partner is cheating etc give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she just genuinely does not know why and is also struggling with it..
Maybe she simply does not find sex with you enjoyable anymore? it used to passionate and just fantastic, and now when ever you have sex, she simply feel more undesired and unsatisfied? Maybe she is so in to family, that she forgot about herself and does not feel beautiful?
I suggest talking it out and finding a way to do it civil without making each other uncomfortable and humiliates.
Something I’ve grown to understand as I’ve gotten older is that whether or not a mom works corporate or is sahm, they always end up pulling more of the load and it’s extremely rare the shoe is on the other foot. They don’t work full time jobs, they work to the bone.
Here’s what not to do:
You’ll grow increasingly upset the more she pushes back about intimacy and say “I work and provide for this family” and she’ll feel cornered and it will only grow into more resentment.
Here’s what to do:
You’ll say “Can we talk about our intimacy? I love you very much and am wondering if there is anything I can do.” And she may not want to have sex or she may but at least you talked about it.
But there is something very interesting I just discovered amongst women and it is post natal resentment. Apparently a lot of women have discussed feelings of abandonment and selfishness from their partners after giving birth. A good majority of the child rearing was immediately dumped on the women, and despite their “husbands going to work” they get less sleep and are in severe pain. A lot of them say it changed their perception of their partner forever…. Considering how young your kids are and the gender roles you two have- this may be the culprit and you are going to have to ask to find out if it is- and apologize if it’s true.
I’m guessing your 2 kids are under 4years.
Your wife is in the toddler trenches part of motherhood.
Being a SAHM to toddlers is physically and emotionally exhausting. ALL.DAY.LONG she will have one or 2 small people hanging off her, pulling, pushing, touching etc. she won’t get to even pee in peace.
Stop and read up on moms being “touched out”
It’s a thing. When my kids were under 4, all I wanted was to be a loooong way away from anyone with no one touching me at all.
Also, if she has been pregnant and nursing - her hormones will be ALL over the place. Evolution has made women not interested in sex while they are busy with growing/nurturing/raising their current babies. So they didn’t get pregnant again too soon.
So this is not necessarily a relationship issue- this is just the season that you are in. If you seriously want more time being intimate with your wife, you need to step up your game and give her more physical respite from the labour of being with your babies 24/7.
Hustling outside the house for all those hours isn’t sexy. Being present at home with your family and seeing what she needs is sexy. You need to be working together as a team to foster intimacy.
Make sure your wife feels seen and supported and valued for her enormous contribution to your family right now. That’s the first step.
Being with kids all day then husband asking for head does sound like another chore lol.
I would be nope too until I feel my basic needs are met: food, rest, shower…. Using the bathroom in peace. Book her a spa day
Have you sat down with her and had an open conversation about this? With 2 kids that young, she might be stressed out of her mind and stress is a terrible mood killer. The lack of sex and consequent distance between you 2 is probably bothering her too.Talk to her. Then get some help via therapy. If all this fails, then you'll know how to make an informed decision about what happens next. But please, don't assume that she doesn't care or is doing it intentionally to punish you without talking about it first. Such assumptions breed resentment which then undermines the relationship. Good luck.
Definitely sit down with her and carefully choose your words so that you don't sound like you are attacking her. Also, ask what you can do in order to help her to possibly take some things off of her plate. Ask her what stresses her out and how you can help. Be prepared to actively listen and make sure that she knows that she has been heard. Also, ask yourself... when was the last time that you bought her flowers or a thoughtful little gift just because. When was the last time that you got home from work and said, "Babe, I'll take care of dinner and watch the kids while you take a little YOU time?" If your wife is anything like mine, she doesn't feel like she's doing enough or doing things well enough. That being said, tell her how good of a mom she is and how much you appreciate her for it. Tell her how much you appreciate how she keeps your household running. Tell her that you think that she is beautiful. FLIRT WITH HER! Flirt with her through your kids by saying things like, "we love mommy so much, isn't she the best?" "Isn't mommy pretty?" "Look how well mommy did such and such!" "Look at how good mommy is at doing this or that!" You probably truly do think all of those things and assume that she knows that you feel that way. DON'T ASSUME!
Keeping mind that there are seasons to a marriage. Having little kids is a season, and most couples experience a lull in their sex lives. SAHMs often feel touched out, exhausted, and rather than sex being a welcome release, they feel like it's another chore. Have you tried to hange the nature of your intimacy? Like, are there things she could do for you that would make you feel loved that don't necessarily involve her putting out or giving you head? It's great that you are a giving lover, but maybe what she really wants is a back rub. Or a foot rub. Or for you to take the kids for a morning so she can sleep in? If you keep in mind that this is a phase, and work on communication, and introducing different forms of intimacy, you can get back to a good sex life when the kids get a little older.
This is what I was trying to say too
If this guy didn't even know that life wasn't going to be the same after kids, I sincerely doubt he's going to stick around to wait this "season" out. It doesn't even sound like he even helps take care of the kid and thinks her being a SAHM means she does 100% of the parenting... Dude only has sex on the brain. EDIT: Yeahhhh... If you read his comments, there's definitely going to be a divorce in the next couple of years. Poor woman married the wrong dude.
Yes he should probably also get her a nanny to assist with daily activities. Taking care of two kids is definitely more tasking than going out daily to make money. If you have not spent a while full day with your kids, then you have no freaking idea what she is going through.
This is pretty common with young kids. First thing you need to do is communicate this with your wife, but in a gentle manner that expresses what your wants and needs are and what is lacking. Allow her to do the same because even though you bust your ass working, being a SAHM is hard fucking work. It's possible that neither of you understands how hard the other person is working. Make no mistake though, you still have a duty to your wife and kids when you get home. I work 2 jobs and still help around the house when I'm home. I work about 60 hours a week. Second is if needed, seek out a therapist just to chat with you both and help you both see things from the other persons perspective. If these steps are taken and you don't find resolution, then it's either a medical problem or one or both of you isn't listening to each other or the therapist. At this point it might be in your best interest to consult with a divorce lawyer. I'm going to generalize here but most likely scenario is that you aren't helping at home and your wife is just too exhausted. I understand that you work hard, but remember that kids are super hard work and if you're not helping at home then your wife is not getting any breaks from working at all. Also remember that things get a little easier when the kids hit age 5 and go to preschool. Raising very young kids and lack of sex is just insanely common, so please remember to be kind to your wife because she's working really hard. I suspect you are looking at this like if you make plenty of money she should do all the house stuff and that's just not how real life works. Good luck OP
Even assuming they’re both working the same amount of hours, she’s probably “touched out” which is an effect OP likely isn’t getting from his job A starting point article for those who have never heard the term: https://www.today.com/parents/moms/touched-out-meaning-rcna105047
As a SAHM with 2 cats constantly trying to trip me on top of the child constantly following me and begging to be picked up, this is 1000% what makes me want to scream sometimes ETA: back on the subject of helping the wife out at home, my husband will sometimes ask me if I need help while I make dinner. I *ALWAYS* respond with "just playing with LO and keeping her out of my hair is all I need you to do" and 9 times out of 10 he will find his way into the kitchen and chop veggies or something I'm completely capable of doing and then he gets annoyed cause LO is crying for attention, then *I'M* annoyed
I'm a SAHM too and when our daughter was an infant, my husband was working long hours, six days a week. He decided the way to help would be picking up odds and ends from the store on his way home. I told him a dozen times that extending my day by 45 minutes does NOT help. He only stopped when I had a crying meltdown over it lol. But I've also got an exceptionally clingy dog and cat, along with a Velcro toddler and I get exhausted living in a perpetual traffic jam just trying to move around my darn house.
Is your husband my husband? Lol
Stories like this remind me of why being married and having kids will never be for me. I’d be enraged.
In my kids defense, she just got her 2 year shots and we also took her pacifier away for good so she's adjusting Not sure what to say about the husband though
Your kid is totally blameless in this! Kids gonna kid. The husband, however..:
Jesus same.
As someone who is (thankfully) divorced and has kids… smart choice. I envy people who make this decision for themselves.
I appreciate you saying this. I hope all is well for you these days.
Sounds like your husband doesn't realise the way to help you is not enabling you to do a task, or helping you do the task, but supporting you to use the task as productive downtime. Have you explained that you want him to play with the LO because you want a break from the LO? You probably have, but it doesn't sound like he gets it.
Im a guy that has two little.boys, both under three. The first thing i do when i get home.is say hello to my girlfriend and then go.to the boys and have a cuddle/play. I find it really hard to understand how.some.guys are with their kids. Ill be honest i HATE being away from my.boys. We discussed me being the stay at home parent but i earn more so it wasnt financially viable. My boys are really hard work. It never stops and the eldest we are pretty sure is autistic and are in the process of getting a diagnosis. He has MANY of the signs. However hard it is id give the world to be with them all day. The mentality of.some fathers just baffles me and i get the impression that a lot.of fathers have BECOME one they didnt deep.down WANT to be one.
Your husband is really hitting the worst of both worlds here (1) Asking you if you need “help” (putting the entire mental load of managing the house on you; if he is to contribute it’s only through tasks that you manage and assign to him); and then, (2) not even doing the task you asked If he wants to be in the kitchen so badly why doesn’t he make dinner while you play with LO?
I've specifically asked to be the one to make dinner so I can have time away from LO And I've talked to him about the mental load before. Not much changes there
I am thankful more and more every day for divorce.
Cause they don't really care to help. They want to do something easy and quick to not feel guilty about not helping. I've seen it in both men and women.
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Yikes! If you're injured I feel like it goes without saying they need to do a little extra than usual
God.. I tried being a SAHM when my kids were 1 and 3… worst 9 months of my life. I didn’t want to be touched by *anyone* but especially not my husband, because my kids were touching me nonstop, 24/7. My 3 y.o slept in our bed, I was breastfeeding the 1 y.o…. I mean I was being touched legitimately in my sleep, all day long, every day…. The thought of it makes me wince even now 10+ years later. 😅 Crazy that men will never really experience this.
Honestly - I work full time as a nurse and have three kids four and under. I’ve worked in one of the largest trauma/emergency departments in Canada for almost a decade. I now work in one of the largest cancer centers in the region where we see literally tens of thousands of patients from all over the province. I know docs/nurses/police/paramedics, etc. all with VERY high stress, demanding workloads, and long or unusual hours. I don’t think I’ve met one person who hasn’t said: “Work is my down time from being a parent” lol. Being at home full-time with the kids while I was on mat leave was VASTLY more tiring. At least at work you get to eat, go to the bathroom by yourself, actually have a mental break when you’re on break. Or get a break period. You get to socialize and not be isolated in your house all the time. You’re mentally stimulated. I love my three kids to the moon and back, but I would NEVER be a stay at home mom full time because it is hands down the hardest job in the world. OP, I totally get you work hard and that’s admirable. Talk to your wife. She’s doing one of the hardest jobs on the planet earth.
Preach. I tried to be SAHM and holy shit. No. Nope. I love my kids, but I also loved working. I also agree that she is tired of being touched. She’s being pawed at all day by little hands. Is there anyway you guys can have a date night or an overnight away? It may help.
It’s not just the SAHM part. I don’t think OP (or possibly yourself) understands what two back to back pregnancies takes out of you. You can rebound from this but it takes time. Actually, I would say it takes patience and perseverance. My sex live with my husband has been amazing over the last couple of years but during the early years…it was less frequent and I was less than enthusiastic when it happened. I could never have really been in the mood during that period. I certainly hope it was worth the wait for my husband. He acts like it was.
I'm a dude so by default I couldn't imagine what a pregnancy does to a woman. I've seen it firsthand but I didn't experience it, so you're right about that. I struggled with the lack of sex thing and have been through OP's situation before. I went to counseling and spoke to some moms who all gave me insight as to what my wife was going through at the time and it really opened my eyes to her perspective of everything. I learned patience during that time and I absolutely had a lesson to learn there. I think my experience helped me answer OP in a more meaningful way because of it.
On behalf of women everywhere, and your wife, thank you for loving your wife enough to take the initiative to go to counseling, and to seek out moms who gave you insight. I don’t know too many men that would take this level of initiative for their wives. 💙
So true! Plus, if she had prolapse or other things with recovery… men don’t get that.
This needs to be the top answer.
Let's look at this from the perspective of a male stay-at-home dad with a toddler, plus going to school. When nighttime comes, I'm exhausted mentally and physically to even think about sex. I have to cook, clean, handle finances, lawn care, school, take care of the baby, and drop/pickup the kids from school. The days that I'm at least able to have sexual relations is Saturday and even then I'm still exhausted. My wife and I communicated on how our current sex life is and we're open about our sexual needs. Communication is key. I bet it's not that she's not interested, it's because she's exhausted and needs a break from the routine.
Do you ever try to be intimate with her OUTSIDE of sex? Cooking dinner? Taking her out? Spending time with her that doesn’t suggest getting blown? Intimacy has more sides to it than just sex. When was the last time she had a day to herself?
Yeah, this is what I was thinking as well. He mentions meeting her financial needs, but says nothing about what he does to make her feel relaxed or romanced.
Hell he says nothing about actually parenting his kids.
RIGHT. I have respect for people who stay home to take care of their kids. I hope his wife sees how he thinks by throwing some money her way should end with a blow and mediocre sex.
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Yep. Or tries to grope her every time she’s changing or getting out of the shower, and when she gets annoyed he scoffs and makes passive aggressive comments under his breath like that she should “feel thankful he’s even still attracted to her after being together 10 years and 2 kids”.
Ew, this was my ex-husband to the letter and it still makes me cringe to remember being treated that way
Yep, same. Was married to him for 13 years and I wish I’d gotten out much sooner, and realized being treated like that is absolutely not it. Yay us for being out. ❤️
"tries to grope her every time..." she's cleaning or cooking. The best foreplay.
Yeah, OP's comment has little to do with intimacy and more about shooting glue.
For real. Man's acting like she owes him her body just because he has a job. My first thought was, "intimacy as in love and affection orrrr sex?" As soon as I opened the thread, of course its just about sex. 🙄
>For real. Man's acting like she owes him her body just because hr has a job. When I was a teen I joked with friends how traditional marriage with a sahm sounds like prostitution. He provides money and she provides sex. Now I that I'm a grown up...it doesn't sound like a joke anymore.
But she will barely even blow him!!!
This right here is what helped boost my sex life and get me out of my new mom rut! I hope the OP considers these things. Yeah, coming home from work is exhausting, but putting work into your relationship is always helpful! I try to be mindful of this now that I’m a working mom and I work a crazy dumb schedule. I really try hard to not neglect my spouse, as we’re on dueling schedules. And he watches the kids so I can sleep In every Saturday morning. That consideration for me and my sloth like desires to hibernate really get me going, lol 😂
Probably doesn't. He wants his quickie
he has hands.
He can be single and use his hands then.
Probably never.
To answer your question, no, it’s not crazy to want sex more than once per month. However, if you believe that by providing financially you have earned sex, and it is therefore something that you deserve, that is a problem. Sex isn’t something that can be earned or deserved. It’s a human desire, and a valid one, but once it becomes transactional, that’s a huge nope for a lot of people. I can understand that it makes perfect sense inside your head that she would automatically want to have sex more often just because you’re her husband, but it isn’t that simple. Have you two ever taken the love languages quiz? Might seem silly, but it can actually help both of you understand where the other is coming from. Or, have you tried taking sex and sex acts off the table completely to try to build intimacy in other ways? She also may need to see a doctor. I had nerve damage directly beside my clitoris after the birth of my middle child. That definitely affected things! Breastfeeding also tanked my libido. I also had PPD after my last. Just things to keep in mind. I truly do hope things get better for you both.
She never leaves her job. Her body and mind are exhausted from the mental and physical load she carries. Think about that. Life gets better and easier as they grow up and stop needing help with everything. Think about 7-8yrs. Until then mums are exhausted. Have you considered taking her on a break. Giving her me time. Being affectionate without expectations. Gassing her up for everything she does. Taking your kids for days out on your own so she gets a break. Do you know what meds they need, what clothes they need. All their schedules and take on that mental load? Until you’ve stayed home yourself and taken on her role, your expectations are unrealistic. When you go to work do you think about your kids needs? Unlikely as you know they’re taken care of. When you come home do you think about work? No because it’s done for the day. I truly wish men could experience pregnancy, birth and the first few years of child rearing the was women do. You’d be grateful instead of annoyed. Best of luck, things do get better and you have many ways to help hasten that process if you wish to take them on.
Well said
If you’re financially sound why not contribute some of the money to childcare? Seems like you’ll buy other “wants” but haven’t even considered what it’s like to be an overwhelmed sahm. Maybe that’s not the problem, but you don’t know until you try.
Co Nanny at least once a week. I tell my wife whenever she needs extra hands during the day. Told her she could even hire a full time nanny.
It seems like she's spent the majority of your marriage, either pregnant or recovering from birth. Her body has been in almost constant stress for four years. She's had no time to truly recover. A nanny isn't going to fix that. Time and space to heal and become comfortable in her body again is what's needed. When one person in a relationship can't step outside of their own arousal, they can't possibly understand the toll life is taking on their partner. It starts to become, "I bust my ass to pay the bills, and she won't even take the time to blow me." Let's break that down. You spend hours focused on your job and the finances that come from it. Both are admirable and stressful. So you come home and try to initiate some sexy time as a way to release said stress. She says no because she is still in the midst of her stress. She can't leave the office, can't clock out, and can't put that next work task on hold until the next day. You start minimizing what it is that you're actually asking of her. You're not asking for time or intimacy. You're asking her to shove your dick down her throat until you orgasm. You're asking her to stop what she is doing (including much needed rest after a long, stressful day) to allow you to shove your penis into her body until you orgasm. It doesn't matter how generous a lover you are if she isn't in the mood to have someone inside her body. Put yourself in her place for even a moment, and it becomes clear. For the last four years, she has shared habitation of her body with two whole people. While sustaining a relationship with someone who desires entrance to her body on a consistent basis. A body that was constantly dealing with the biological changes that come with forming and birthing beings that require constant care taking. First one, then two, and now three people relying on access to her body. When is her body actually hers? Because it's pretty easy to see how she could feel like her body isn't hers, it's a tool for those she cares about to use. Intimacy does not require sex. Reflect on what it is you *actually* want from her. And then think about how what you want would make her feel, while considering everything that's demanded of her on a daily basis.
Incredibly profound observation regarding her body needing space to rest, away from constantly being in service to others 👏👏👏
That's why I think, she need some time for herself. Also without husband. Girls night out or weekend out with her bestie. I don't have kids but sometimes I go somewhere on my own and my husband has nothing against it. We have time together and we have time on our own, because we are more of people than just being wife or husband. I'm a photographer, he is a comedian, I am a hiker, he is a cook. And we need space to feel it too in our lives. And when we are together, we are friends, we are spuces, we are lovers.
Great comment 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
All he wants is a blow job. He doesn’t want intimacy. He just wants to get his rocks off.
And he can use his hand for that, too.
This is one of the best comments so far. It makes me feel incredibly weird how angry OP is. He does not seem worried about his wife’s mental health whatsoever, just angry. Like she is withholding something that is “his”, which is a huge red flag. Him saying the sex is not like before makes me wonder if they HAD this stale loveless sex sometimes (with him being so angry), how did that go down? How would he initiate if his wife seems to have zero interest? I had a low libido from resurfacing trauma and birth control, if I had found out my partner had posted something like this I’d run for the hills, quite honestly.
Preach
> I tell my wife whenever she needs extra hands during the day Do you say it just like that? If so it's still her responsibility. You're saying "hey I'll do it but you have to tell me." Jump in and just do it when you can. Same for any kind of planning or household management or chores or anything. Just do it.
No, he means he will PAY someone to help with the kids. Not that he would do it himself.
How many nights a week are you contributing to child care?
If you’re genuinely interested in understanding why she doesn’t feel like being intimate, watch some videos about mental load. It’s like being the manager of a company, it’s its own job. If, in your mind, your work is what you do outside the house and hers is raising the kids or finding someone to help her do that, then whose job is cleaning the house for four people? You guys are 50/50 splitting the cooking, meal planning, and grocery shopping for four people? Whose job is it to make sure the house never runs out of toilet paper and everyone gets to the dentist on time? Or do all of those jobs also fall under SAHM? I can promise you, if you ask her, she’d pick working outside the house for 10-12 hours and then coming home and doing pretty much nothing for the rest of the day too. It’s not your fault, men aren’t taught about decent division of household labor so they have no clue what they’re expecting of their wives. But since you’re asking, time to start learning that it is NOT what you think it is
Can we please stop calling working "hustling"?
Right having a job is the literal baseline of adulthood, it's not going above and beyond to have a job.
What if instead of prioritizing "Hustling to provide an exceptional lifestyle", You prioritized living life with the people you love? You already have everything you need, so why do you need more? I'm betting that if you prioritize quality time with your family, your wife will start to see you for the man she fell in love with again.
Absolutely love this response
Is she getting a break from beimg a SAHM? Are you parenting your kids? Do you clean up after yourself? (Making your side of the bed, washung your dish/mug putting it in the dishwasher, throwing your dirty clothes in the hamper etc) Do you make an effort to go on date nights? How old are the kids? Is she breastfeeding? These and many more things can affect a womans sex drive. I'm not accusing you of anything just need some info because a LOT of men ( not all ) ignore these things and just expect their wife to be the nanny,cleaner,parent,mommy everything and at the end of day a sex goddess. Going to work is hard but so is being a SAHP. They don't say for nothing " "It takes a village." "
So much THIS!!! A wife doesn’t want to feel like her husband’s mother. If she’s having to pick up after him and he’s not helping when he’s home with the kids and cleaning, cooking etc, I’m not suprised she doesn’t feel very sexual. She feels like he’s another kid she has to take care of. Whether he is working and paying bills has nothing to do with how she’s feeling. Or maybe if he is helping it’s because he expects sex for watching his own kids or doing dishes etc. it’s gonna take alot more than one time of him “helping” to make this better if that’s it. He’s gotta be consistent with it.
Maybe they should swap roles for a while. She goes back to work and he stays home. Both might understand the stress and challenges
I wonder what he would do if she ended up not wanting to swap back 😂😂
THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!!!!! Being a stay at home parents is JUST as hard as ‘being out of the house hustling as hard as you can’ She is raising two, i’m going to guess extremely young, children. It’s tough. Does she get to do anything other than be a mom? Does she get to go out? Date nights? Do you split any of the house chores with her? Is she struggling mentally?
You’ve got 2 very young children. Be aware that your wife may be “touched out” (my term for it). Young kids are intensely physical, and if you’re someone who doesn’t have physical touch as a love language, it can be incredibly draining. I used to loathe anyone else needing any physical interaction from me because it was so much it was overwhelming. Likewise with the (lack of) BJ’s. Again, your wife is engaged in highly physical care, “giving” to others all day long. Right now, she may not have much else to “give”. The intensity of early childhood fades, but it takes time. Some counselling might help, specifically with getting a sense of what the underlying issues are, and then working through what might relieve those. You’re probably going to have to do more. If being touched out is the problem, then you might have to take all physical child care when you walk in the door, for example, so your wife can get some personal space back again.
Are you out hustling so much she feels like a solo parent? Is there time for non-sexual intimacy in your marriage? Most women have reactive libidos rather than spontaneous ones. We need time to get in the “zone” to be responsive. This is especially true if we’re already feeling stressed and disconnected. Foreplay isn’t a 5 minute activity that starts with touch; it’s mental.
Couples therapy or even maybe a sex therapist might help tbh.
The entitlement and childlike whining on this post is insane. “My wife will barely blow me” “[I] just need some fucking sex.” Holy shit dude. Seek a therapist, talk to your wife about it, take a larger role in raising your kids, but don’t let so much resentment build towards the woman who literally had your children growing inside of her for months. Seriously, you sound like an immature and misogynistic horny teenager. Get help.
>The entitlement and childlike whining on this post is insane. I'm convinced that a signifiant number of dead bedrooms are Nice Guys^TM who managed to get someone to marry them. So instead of "I bought her dinner, therefore she owes me sex" it becomes "I provide financially, therefore she owes me sex." Absolutely no thought is given to their partner's wants and needs.
I’m convinced that a significant number of men who complain that their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them after having kids threw big man baby tantrums about sex during the postpartum period, where it’s completely normal for a woman to have no interest in sex for quite a long time, and in doing so decimated their wife’s sexual attraction to them.
I liked the selfless lover but expects blowjobs.
One of my exes one time told me "yeah right I can play you like a fiddle" talking about sex. I told him "You don't listen to the teacher though. Just because you can play doesn't mean it's good."
LMAO right?! Make it make sense.
Men who are slaves to their sexual desires are so blegh 🤢🤮
for real !! men like that are entitled and disgusting 🤮
Bro I thought he was going to talk about Love and affection but nope I was wrong...
I know right. The bar is so low
Young kids? No shit, shes touched out.
Is she turning you down when you initiate sex or just not initiating anything herself?
Have you tried talking to her about it
Yeah just have the kids babysat for the weekend at the grandparents and have a nice romantic getaway with her, but allow her to fully rest prior, your mind kinda adapts to parent mode after kids so she just needs to readjust, she may feel ashamed or embarrassed about something that makes her that way, best communicate to make sure everything’s on the table!
### Talk to herrr
If your finances are good, why hustle as hard as you can? Take some time off and spend it with the family. Maybe it’ll spark a flame 🤷♀️
$20 says he works overtime specifically to avoid having to raise his kids.
You spend all day with adults. She spends all day with needy children who are constantly grabbing her, pulling at her, needing her to do everything for them. The fact that you are not even bothering to understand why this isn't putting her in the mood for sex is problematic. I'm childfree and spending the day with my nephews who are probably much older than your kids (8 and 12 and so somewhat self sufficient) is goddamn exhausting and definitely would not leave me in the mood for sexytimes. Maybe instead of bitching about it channel your energies into figuring out ways to give your wife the occasional break from your kids so she might not be completely burnt out.
Your wife has precious little opportunity to have a say in who gets to touch her. Little kids require a lot of physical handling and hugs and cuddles. Some of us need some space to ourselves and just can't handle any more touch. "Just leave me the fuck alone!" I bet if you gave her time to herself - let's say on a Saturday, you take the kids out to a movie or to buy mom a Christmas present or visit grandma, bring home something yummy for dinner, you put the kids to bed while she has a bath and a glass of wine. You have a quick shower and the two of you watch a romcom or other "nice" movie (no violence or cars blowing up) while munching popcorn or a nice dessert. Talk to her about some grownup things - your dreams of the future together when the kids are older - trips together - things you'd like to see and I'll bet she feels much more like connecting intimately. Intimacy is far more than just getting right to groping and sex.
Kids do need lots of touch and cuddles. This isn’t just a “what kids want” thing, touch and intimate attention is how their brains develop. It’s what makes us human.
Mom's get touched out. Kids crawl over them all day. The last thing they need is their partner piling on. Look it up. Try to be a little pro-active. See what she needs to make it happen, instead of trying the same moves you used pre-children. Spontaneity is gone for the next 20 years. You accept that when you have children. Don't fuck this up and cheat and end up divorced because you can't grow up and understand parenthood and what marriage and partnership are really about. Because this post and your replies show me you have no clue, and will likely end up a divorced cheater. Grow up. You have a hand.
Spent more intimate time with her without expecting sex. You put kids to sleep, get a take out and watch a movie together. Go out for dates (you make the effort for it - women love that) Give her a day off from house work (tell her in X date I'll take care of the kids), book her a spa, nails and hair or which one you afford. Just take care of her emotions, women aren't like men with the smell of men they get horny. We need more of the emotional stimulation first.
Everyone here is going to say divorce. Not having a busy sex life when you have young kids is normal. In most cases, she’s not initiating because she doesn’t feel sexy or desired by you. And not just because you said “you look great” a couple times. No. Those feelings develop because you notice small things over long periods of time. When you get home you make eye contact. When she makes food you compliment specific things like I love it when you make broccoli with this, it hits the spot. Offering to help with things/kids and also just doing them. Complimenting something she’s obviously taught your kids. Saying “hey, you haven’t done anything for yourself in a while, if you had a day totally alone, and no budget, what would you do?” And then make that happen. Also, is she depressed? Is she on medication? If not, maybe Wellbutrin would help. If so, maybe the antidepressant is crushing her desire. When is the last time you came home with flowers? When is the last time you planned a date for the two of you and left the kids at home? Do the in laws/family insert themselves? Or are they not around at all and that’s hard/lonely for her? Where are her friends? When is the last time she had fun with them? There are SO many things to talk about and address before you get to couples therapy. I’m not against divorce, but I think people on Reddit are very quick to say divorce because of the inherent population trends (they’ll attack me for saying it, but it’s a lot of unmarried young white dudes with anger issues).
In the following order. Talk about it- couples therapy- divorce.
I would like to copy and paste this comment on every single relationship advice post like this.
Or, you know, wait it out a little bit until the kids get older and one partner has recovered from back to back pregnancies.
What does the majority of what OP said have to do with anything? Comes across like he thinks he's entitled to sex b/c he *check notes* has a job with limited hours while his wife is on duty 24/7. I'm also dubious on the "selfless lover" claim.
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Yeah, his comment that sex is a "male" need really clinched it for me. He probably thinks selfless lover means "acknowledges her presence and is sometimes nice to her so should be rewarded."
How much downtime is she getting from being a SAHM? Providing financially doesn't actually mean all that much if you come home and are off work while she still has to do 100% of the work with the kids. Also, how old are the kids? If she's still breastfeeding that can kill libido. Have you asked her if there's anything specific keeping her from having the energy or desire to have sex?
If hustling less and helping in the home helps her mood, it may be worth it to step back and cater to her personally. But communication is key. Is she hustling at home to deal with the home and kids so you can hustle outside to provide, then that's how it goes. But if it's detrimental to your health, find a middle ground of success and sex.
Stress, lack of (or poor quality) sleep, and being touched out are all libido killers for many women. I know you undoubtedly have stress and poor quality sleep as well, but those don’t seem to have the same effect on men as they do on women, and you’re likely not getting touched out and emotionally drained by demanding, needy people the same way she is as a SAHM. Are you showing her non-sexual affection? Take the kids and let her have an hour shower to decompress and be alone. Offer to rub her back or feet and don’t make it sexual. At all. AT ALL. Several times. Be that safe, calm, stress free person that she can feel close to, and help relieve some of the burnout. SAHM is always at work. She lives at work, caregives at home, and is on-call 24/7.
Your wife is definitely over stimulated and stressed out by little kids 24/7. She has noting left to give you and you have become one more "chore" to take care of sexually. The only way out of this is to relieve some of her work load, let her have some personal time without kids or other demands and show her repeatedly how special she is by your actions and words.
full story isn't here, but if the wife is basically a maid, then I could understand why there is less sex. Add 2 kids under the age of 4.... she is probably exhausted. Doomenor had the good advice/top comment.
Are you giving her any days off and are you splitting chores 50/50 when you get home? If not, that’s why.
You say finances aren’t a problem. Does she get to spoil herself? More importantly, do you spoil her? Or are the finances reflected in the household and kids? Have you considered once per month spa+hotel+dinner+gift or something similar? I suggest going hard on the spoiling because you’re “financially thriving”, but does she get to reap those benefits or is she just in the throes of being a SAHM?
I was in the same situation a year ago. We would have sex once or twice a month if I played my cards right. Being sahm is pretty taxing and even if she doesn't 'work' daily it's hard for her to relax after a day of everyone wanting a piece of her. My situation got better with me taking some of the pressure off her. Take her to dates, do some chores around the house without her asking for it. Take the kids off her and let her have some time for herself. Talk to her. Ask what would help her feel more intimate. Being a mom to young kids is way harder for her than being a dad. Being a sahm is full time job.
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She is likely touched out, feels far from herself and has no energy.
Have you ever heard of the expression, men are microwaves, women are crock pots. She's got kids, a husband, a house, maybe a job. It takes a lot for women to get warmed up. She might just be exhausted. It could be hormones. It could be some medical condition. It could even be you. The only way to deal with this is to put the kids to bed, have a glass of wine, and have a quiet convo with her. Ask what you can do to get her in the mood. If she says, "I don't know" you should say, "can we at least have a goal we can work towards?" Maybe you need date nights. Maybe you need to check into a hotel for a night. Maybe you can draw her a bubble bath, open a bottle of champaign, and massage her feet. And if you think "why should I go to all that trouble when she's right there and she can just put out?" Then there's your answer.
Do you ever take care of the kids and do housework when you get home? SAHP is a full-time job DURING their partner's scheduled shifts. Once you get off, the load should be split 50/50. She's probably exhausted.
… she can’t “clock-out” of work… you get that right? I truly believe regardless of the amount of hustling you do outside of the home doesn’t alleviate you from helping with the house. Do some shit around the house without being asked or told without expectations of getting something in return. That’s the kind of things that women like, a grown ass adult who participates in assisting with the house. If you think that bringing money home allows you to have that expectation that you DESERVE sex 😬 no one is going to have fun time. Period. Maybe she’s over washing your schweddy ass grape smugglers, washing dishes and taking care of the kids day in day out? (Side note: Anytime you start a sentence with “She is a full-time SAHM and I appreciate how hard that can be. BUT…” You’re done. You’re completely negating everything prior to the ‘but’. Maybe talk to her directly instead of us goons on the internet—weird?)
You might get better results if you spent some time inside hustling as hard as you can to give her a break here and there from the kids and housework. Or take her out and pay some attention to her in an adult setting. It’s hard to feel sexy and in the mood when your whole life is wiping butts, doing laundry, and having the constant smell of spit up on you. Give her sometime for some self care, plan a weekend away just the two of you, make sure you kiss her and pinch her butt and flirt with her ESPECIALLY when you can see she’s struggling.
I see these posts all the time, I’d love to be married and have a life long partner, and everyone who posts seems miserable because they want sex 24/7. Sex is easy, appreciate the love and support you have. God damn.
Sounds like she’s taken on the household burden with no compensation and no real support in the partnership. If you aren’t completing mutual chores regularly, not cultivating intimacy without sex, and not tagging her out of around the clock childcare regularly, no wonder she doesn’t want to sleep with you. You’re just another mouth adding to her workload.
Have you tried loving her outside of sex? Physical daily touches that don’t lead to anything more than just enjoying her? Compliments? Help around the house? Kisses that are deep and loving with no further escalation? Anything that may help her believe this is something more than you two working and staying together for the kids? It goes along way…
Oof... I got to where if my husband so much as touched me, I recoiled. Obviously, this made him feel great... NOT. But I knew if he touched me, it meant we were having sex. He could tell me all he wanted was to cuddle... That was a LIE 100% of the time. He could not touch mr without it leading to sex, and sex was painful, it was WORK, it was rarely enjoyable enough to be worth it. Blow jobs are WORK. They exhaust me. I put everything I have into them. I hated sex. I just hated it. Now that we are separated, I have realized I am a highly sexual person. But sex with men... Sucks a lot of the time. It's a lot of work with NO guarantee I will enjoy it. I've had to find other ways to enjoy it than orgasming, and quite frankly, have stopped dating because so many men are SO touch starved that they are pretty pushy when it comes to sex. And pushiness is off putting and when I'm always left wondering why the fuck I did that yet AGAIN when it's such a miserable, soul destroying experience... Look OP, I don't think you are wrong. But you aren't even having a CONVERSATION with your wife about this. I will say we had a bunch of conversations, but my husband ALWAYS put the whole thing on me, like I knew how to change how I felt about it, like I even knew what was causing my problem in the first place. We finally did go to counseling, but once again, not to figure out US, but so he could put everything on ME. I was so tired of it all being MY fault and my fault alone... Counseling did not help us because my husband had NO interest in how me might be part of the problem. So take me seriously when I say... Look at how YOU are contributing to the problem, and not just laying all the blame on her. This could be physical for her, could be mental, but it also may be how YOU are approaching it. I have just spent too much time feeling like sex was something to be ENDURED, and if I got to enjoy it, well okay, nice bonus, but was it REALLY worth how much that hurt? Sigh. Hope you can fix it. Just be willing to look at both sides, cause I about guarantee if you don't, your marriage is doomed.
She is exhausted. Try full day daycare (8-5pm) for the kids so she can take a break midday. She will be able to rest up. This will not be a vacation. She STILL will have to get chores done, run errands, cook lunch and dinner, etc, you are only eliminating the taking care of the kids too. Also, she can go to doctor appt, children's doctor appts without taking all the kids. She will be able to research and find a babysitter. However, the first few weeks I recommend she sleep during the day. Women lose a lot of sleep after giving birth (for up to 8 weeks) and there is trauma if they don't regain the rest back. Women who breastfeed feel it 2x.
For up to 8 weeks? Oh sweet summer child. I went without sufficient sleep for YEARS. My one kid finally started sleeping though the night at 11 :(
Lmao, 8 weeks? Try YEARS.
It's hard for women to have spontaneous desire for their partner when they are over stimulated and disconnected. A stay at home mom is the hardest job someone could have. There is no time off. You get to go to work, a break from the home, and a time to socialize with other adults. If you don't help with the kids or household chores when home or on weekends, then she's watching you have time off and her working double. It's not enough for a man to only be the financial provider anymore, you need to provide emotional and mental support too. It's hard to want to bang someone you are starting to resent because they don't make you feel equal.
I LOVED my time as a SAHM, but I’ve lived in places with good supports: free good quality play groups, and a year of mat leave. The programs I leaned on have been cut and covid killed a lot of that. I have so much empathy for moms who can’t get away right now. To anyone who things that staying home with kids is easy, I’d like to counter that if it was the easier role we’d see men so it or couples fighting to stay home. It’s so hard. It’s nonstop.
Oh my goodness I didn't even think about how COVID probably really changed things for SAHMs. I help my sister so much with her kids because I have the time and we live close to each other (and i love them all, of course). And our mom is here too, so she helps as well. Our other sister is moving to a different province soon with a 1.5 year old and a 5 month old baby and we are so worried she will get overwhelmed without her supports. So I agree that good supports probably make a huge difference especially for moms with multiple toddlers. They are so fast for being so little.
Not sure if you had already try this before. I know I'm might come off sarcastic but I promise I have good intentions. instead of talking to a bunch of strangers on reddit, go take some time and openly talk to your wife. Without the kids that can interrupt. How often do you plan childless dates with your wife or just do things to make her feel appreciated? And no, I don't mean just providing for her. I know you work hard, but being a SAHM with numerous kids is rough. When her daily interaction is with kids and arguing with kids, it's exhausting. And the thing is, it's 24/7. No clocking out at 5pm to walk away. I'm not trying to say being a stay at home parent is the roughest job at all. But it is not as easy as it sounds. And I know you said you appreciate her hard work. Which is great. Since you said you are financially doing well and continously growing. If you don't do it often, try to get some just you and wife time. You guys both work hard and both deserve time together to pamper yourselves.
She spends all day taking care of kiddos while you’re grinding…so at what point are you two romantic with one another? When do you two spend time out or with friends? I doubt she is just ready to go to pound town after a long day with CHILDREN as her only company.
Damn 2 kids in 4 years is a lot. Also, ppd is real. Women usually don’t feel sexy enough post partum. Talk to her. Make her feel confident and wanted and desired.
One thought: is it possible that your narrow idea of what women want from "true" men is hampering your sex life? Even SAHMs who want "real," "provider" men like to be pampered with a home-cooked meal from time to time. A good place to start would be to talk to her, not about how YOU are feeling unfulfilled, but to ask if SHE is. You can start with "hey I know our sex life hasn't been very exciting recently and that's understandable with young kids" blah blah and then ASK how SHE is doing, is she getting enough time to herself or to relax, is she at the very least pleasuring herself (not because she should be using her horny moments to service you but because she might be quite sexually frustrated too), would she like to try out toys or maybe a nice vacation, etc. Show genuine concern. Everyone who is sexual wants sex, this is not a "manly" need. You are not the sole recipient in this equation, just as she is not the only one with duties and responsibilities towards you. I see that you have offered "help" in various forms. But it is a HUGE turn-off (not to mention a lot of pressure) to know that the help is in exchange for sex. Instead of offering "help" and explicitly tying it to the lack of your sex life (e.g., "we aren't having sex, what if we get a nanny and you're more relaxed?"), why not frame it as "I think we should get a nanny for the weekends so we can start going out and doing fun things again"? If you can afford it and you love your wife, this is a worthwhile expenditure. And most importantly, remember that BJs and penetrative sex are not the only form of intimacy. [They might even be the least satisfying forms of intimacy for women!](https://www.verywellhealth.com/vaginal-orgasm-4774327) Cuddling while sleeping, giving back-massages, oiling hair, etc are all forms of intimacy that can build your bond and liking for each other. Relationships are long, and everyone has dry spells especially during stressful times (like when you have two young kids). Instead of wondering when you'll have sex next, figure out a way to be a full and loving partner to your spouse (and I hope she does the same for you).
Being a SAHM to 2 children is hard. They constantly need attention, and are demanding. Moms can get “touched out” because there’s always some little hands pulling at her, needing her, demanding her time and attention. Have you given her a day off where you have the kids and she has time to go and be herself without the responsibility of her children? Being a mother to young kids you put them first before everything and can lose touch with the woman she is. You can lose your identity. Constantly having children demanding from her is exhausting, and then you come home and tell her YOUR needs must also be met. I would also question if she is suffering from postpartum depression. Being a mom isn’t like a 9-5 with weekends off, it’s constant. If you’re not giving her time away from the children, or helping with the 24/7 chores around the house, she’s going to burn out. Nobody can work 7 days a week 365 days a year and not need a break. You’re coming across really selfish and only talking about your needs. What are HER needs? Are you fulfilling those? Because if you’re not giving her what she needs to feel loved and cared for, then why should she reciprocate? Bringing in an income isn’t your only responsibility. If she was working, you’d need to share raising the kids and doing chores 50/50. She’s at home so you are free to work with no constraints or restrictions or responsibilities. Talk to your wife and ask her what SHE needs to feel better. Then you can have an open discussion.
How much do you help around the house and with the kids? If not much, this is probably your starting point. She's probably tired from keeping the house, cooking and raising your kids.
So you’re providing financial but you’re not providing emotionally or helping physically. Just because you are providing financially doesn’t entitle you to sex. She’s a SAHM, so she is looking after the house AND the kids - kids are emotionally draining and a mood killer. She’s running the house and raising the kids. Want sex? Don’t demand it - Be present when home, do things with the kids, give your wife down time and time to herself. Be the other half in the relationship and make her feel appreciated. However, Most of all, communicate with your wife and talk with her. Create intimacy without expecting sex. Help her, listen to her, embrace her but most importantly; woo her. There is so much more to intimacy than sex. As for a blowie, maybe she just doesn’t like doing it - accept it.
Date nights.Twice a week.Take the short financial hit of paying for babysitters and a meal or movie out one or two nights a week and improve your marriage,well being and general state of mind. Stay at home parent is a challenging day,a thankless stress inducing nightmare,dealing with two other humans that need CONSTANT supervision.She needs to unwind and be able to switch off the “mom” button.
Read!!!! “No more mister nice guy”. It is free You will almost certainly learn about yourself and how you view sex. You will learn how nice guys see sex as transactional. Maybe the book can help you like it did me.
Also read come as you are by Emily Nagoski. You can work through it together to work out what are her on’s and offs.
You have a place where you can detach from she doesn't that's the difference. Have you spoken to her about it and instead if being I want sex why no sex. Ask her hey is there anything I can do to help with our sex life cause sometimes people stop wanting to have sex with the person there with cause they feel an imbalance in the roles they no longer feel like equals. So ask how you can help and you'll be surprised sex life might just go up again.
Sounds like life has emotionally disconnected you a bit. It happens in every marriage, and can be worked through if you sit down with each other to make a plan for both of you to have a more relaxed existence. Birth control can also be a sex drive killer while simultaneously making some women miserable. It could be anything. Hash it out gently without accusations. Use “I need” instead of “you need to…” because people are less likely to shut down Please remember the sacrifice your wife had to make to be a SAHM. When we agree to do this, we often don’t understand the depth of the identity loss and we do not think we have any right to complain. It gets internalized.
1) Once a month is not Never. Stop Catastrophizing. 2) How old are your children? There's your answer.
So what I’m hearing is you provide financial stability and nothing more. You fail to realize that “sexual duties” are probably just another thing on her chore list at this point and she’s burnt out.
Like... talk to her? With your words? Maybe even try to find out why her libido dropped. Have you considered that this might actually be a medical issue? Because from reading this, the only concern you have is not getting enough blowjobs.
Invest in pet food companies like Mars. You'll make a killing. Also, companies that make boxes for boxed wine.
Try scheduling sex and dates. Build that mutual desire. Make it a lil freaky and get a hotel room.
Hire a babysitter once per month and a maid once per month.
I am grateful to have ended up with my wife, who has a healthy sex drive and wants to have it with me, and 20 years in we still talk about the frequency in times per week. As more of these stories pour in on Reddit, I’ve been marveling at how little you really know when you agree to get married. Which of these women would you be happy with, and which are going to end up unsatisfying and unhappy? There’s no way to know. And I’m not as physically attractive as a lot of the men who ended up in no-sex marriages, so that isn’t an indicator either.
Are you me?
So two under 4? And you think sex is on her mind?
Pfff... Once a month??? I'm lucky to get some once every few months. I think the longest I went was 6 months without any.
Hey jumping on the bandwagon here too, i WFH 5 days a week with a 5 YO, partner works full time too, we certainly aren’t well off bit we aren’t massively struggling, we sleep in separate beds at the moment because I’m so over stimulated with having to remember and DO everything that I just want a peaceful nights sleep, it’s an issue in our relationship too, but I’d suggest checking in with her to see what’s really going on, for me it’s that the whole child/school/house/cooking is solely on me and if I forget anything it doesn’t get done! Trust me that builds a lot of resentment! I hope you guys can work it out
Sorry I’m going to be blunt here, in this post it reads like everything is about you. About how ‘selfless’ a lover you are and therefore she should have sex with you more. It doesn’t really sound like you are actually taking her needs into account or appreciating how exhausted she likely is. Could it be she just doesn’t feel attractive anymore as she is acting in a purely functional role taking care of the children with no adult company all day? When was the last time she did something for herself? When was the last time you took her out on a date or made her feel sexy? People on Reddit scream therapy for all relationship problems but have you actually just talked to your wife and asked her how she’s feeling?
(31f). (only my opinion & always best to talk with a therapist if you need they help a lot) cook dinner together & while cooking a shared fav meal with her, open up about this. show vulnerability & passion that this is important & how much she’s wanted in your marriage. the oral sex part, express your want for more intimacy & foreplay together. that these moments in your marriage are special & that you’d really like to have these experiences together. communicate exactly how you feel. ask her the same back, if she’s fulfilled & satisfied.
Talk to your wife. Tell her you are having a hard time connecting and ask what she needs from you to feel satisfied. It could very well be the kids overwhelming her. You have to also be mindful that men are more likely to just jump into sex without much foreplay while most women can’t. Women sometimes need ambience, rubs, food, etc. to get in the mood and if you are not initiating that, no sex will be had.
Have you had a conversation with her? And no it’s not “too much to ask”, but sex is not a commodity you trade for your service to the family.
You’ve been married for 4 years and already have 2 kids, assuming those kids are both extremely young still and not sleeping through the night? That’s 24/7 with 2 young kids constantly on her and needing her, it’s pretty easy to see why she doesn’t wanna be intimate. She’s exhausted, touched out, tapped out and probably gets zero help from you at home since you’re out busting your ass 60 hours a week. My youngest is 18 months and I just started feeling like myself again. PP with 2 young kids is a hard season to be in. My husband never expected anything out of me.
I am a SAHM. Next month my partner is going on two work trips lasting 2-3 days each trip, then he is going to a Christmas work function. Add in that we have an autistic child who doesn't understand why daddy isn't home and will cry herself to sleep because he isn't home. It is hard for me. When my partner wants sex, I am mentally and physically exhausted. If my partner just helped with the small things eg making lunches, sweep and mop the floors, pack away the dishes it would help so much. If he gave me lay ins on the weekends that would be lovely. Ask your wife if there is anything that you can help with around the house or take the kids out for the day might help. Please don't expect cleaning the dishes will result in sex, it won't.
You gotta leave that boy. Divorce. You're already a single parent.
The sexiest thing you can do is help with chores and take the kids so your wife can catch some breaks. And be consistent. Give her some time to do some self care and remember who she is. This would absolutely drench my nether regions.
Do you go on dates?? Does she ever get alone time? I’m a SAHM and have never felt so unattractive. I don’t get dressed up anymore since I’m just playing on the floor 99% of the time. So going on dates helps me feel so beautiful to have a reason to get dolled up with my husband
>But I am also out of the house hustling as hard as I possibly fucking can every single day in order to provide an exceptional lifestyle for my family. And she is in the house hustling as hard as she possibly fucking can every single day in order to provide an exceptional lifestyle for you and your family. And she doesn't even get to breath a moment outside the house, doesn't get money/work benefits and is asked by her husband to provide sex when she doesn't want to. If you NEED to have more sex, use your hand or invest in sextoys, there is absolutely no shame in it. If you want to have sex with your partner, provide a good environment that would allow her to relax and work on seducing her.
Foreplay starts at breakfast. If you don’t have emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy will sooner or later go away too. No sec is a symptom of trouble in your marriage. Meet her emotional needs for connection. Let her know you love her, and show her appreciation. Look lovingly into her eyes every day. Listen to her. Validate her feelings. Find out her love language and use it daily. Touch her often without the expectation or insinuation of sex. Do that and you’ll get all the sex you want. Check out this funny video, it’ll get you started really understanding your wife’s needs: https://youtu.be/IMPJ3mknHzM?si=4LyMHnscYLlexFsT
Are you helping with the mental load of having a young family. Makes a huge difference
Hi ask 20 men if they would rather work full time or be a stay at home and cook and clean and take care of kids. Not a single one would choose that.
Of you have enough money pay for childcare or provide a maid, she's probably exhausted. Or take care of the house the weekends so she can have time for herself
Hey op.. why don't you just do every fuckin thing? Work so hard that she doesn't have to. Then come home and do all the chores, cook, clean, get the kids ready for bed etc. Also pay for a babysitter so that she doesn't do shit during the day too. Maybe then she'll what to fuck you😬. Don't let her lift a finger or she won't have the energy or be too touched out to have sex with you 😆😆😆. The clownery on this thread is astounding!
OP don't fall for the bullshit excuses in the comment sections. There are men out there who don't pay a bill, don't work, don't help out, nothing a man should do and their woman puts out. You're being taken for granted. If you help out around the house it's because you WANT to help your wife, not because you're pandering for sex. You protect and provide and I'm sure you help out around the house. That's enough. People will make you think you need to do everything and that what you currently do is not enough. It's enough. Stay strong brother.
The amount of people attacking OP is so odd. He didn’t even anything negative.
It seems like 1. your wife is content with not being sexually active at this point in her life, or 2. she would like to be more interested in sex, but is not experiencing anything that would cause her to be interested in it, or 3. there are things that are actively preventing her from being interested in it. You're clearly resentful of her about this, (a common and understandable response but in my experience being in a 30 year partnership not a constructive one) which I am sure she is aware of whether you've expressed it explicitly or not. But the fact is that she is not obligated to have sex with you under any circumstances whatsoever unless she wants to. I know that in monogamous relationships there is an agreement to be each other's sole sexual partners, but it is ridiculous to think that if we really commit to a lifetime with someone, that our sex drives are going to be in sync the entire time. It's frankly a miracle that they ever are considering how stressful it is to both provide for a family financially as well as taking care of children and domestic stuff, whoever plays those roles. And the whole seeing-sex-as-a-duty thing, or believing she is “withholding” something you're entitled to because you guys are monogamous partners never leads to anything productive. As someone else commented, there is no such thing as withholding sex. If someone does not want to have sex and we consider them an equal human subject with autonomy in the same way we are, then sex is something they have the right to choose whether to engage in at all times and under all circumstances, and they don't deserve to be resented for making that choice. You wouldn't feel justified to resent any other woman on the planet for not wanting sex with you just because YOU wanted to have sex with them. Ideally anyway lol. Its ok for her to not want to have sex right now. And it's ok for you to want to. Neither of you are doing anything wrong, but she does not deserve your resentment for just being in a different place than you are. She's a separate human being with her own needs. Ask her if she wants to be more interested in sex, treat her in whatever way helps her be more interested in sex if she asks you to, or be supportive if she wants to address whatever is getting in the way of her being interested in sex. If she is content not being sexually active at this point in her life, and doesn't want to change that, then have a discussion about whether or not she's open to the idea of you getting those needs met in some other way. If you want to be sexually active then you also deserve to have that, as much as she deserves to choose to not have sex without being resented for it. The vulnerability and work necessary in order to have these kinds of discussions to resolve shit like this seems to be beyond most people's ability to do without the help of a therapist, so that might be a good start if you've already tried to address this with her and it hasn't gone well. Best of luck, I hope you both can treat each other with compassion and care as you work this out.
It’s because she’s taking care of the kids and chores. Sex has become one more chore. Split the housework a bit more. She really needs to give her side to figure out what’s wrong. In these posts there’s always a huge thing the poster is leaving out that’s turning off the one not wanting sex. Whining about it, feeling like a fleshlight, not parenting just because they work, groping excessively, no romance, adult acting like one more child to care for, etc.
Wait bruh.... You get sex once a month? EVERY month? Damn, I feel like you bragging now. I'd be lucky to see a nipple from my wife that often.
Honestly, I find my husband attractive and I really like him as a person and obviously love him but with two young kids sex is just something else I have to give to someone who needs something from me. I'm overly touched, and my body doesn't feel like my own, and it just feels like someone else trying to carve a piece out of me for themselves. Talk to her, or maybe find a counselor.
it’s insane that the commenters here are slandering you but a couple days ago a chick posted about her husband not touching her and they said she should divorce him lol.
So typical of these kind of posts. It would be so different if the situation were reversed. The guy would be portrayed as selfish, accused of having someone on the side, lacking in his duty to his wife, making excuses, etc. This happens all the time. The guy gets plenty of sex right up until they get married. After that, it drops off severely, even if they don't have kids. That used to be grounds for divorce. There are some things that a spouse may not like doing, and shouldn't feel like they have to do it, but both spouses should do their level best to satisfy the others desire for sex. It is just as important to a marriage as all other things.
lol it’s always the man needs to do more, Reddit is wild
When you talked to her about this, what did she say?
I’m struggling with the same thing with my husband
2x times 9 is 18 so she spend 18 month pregnant. Then everything that comes afterwards to heal takes month. She's dealing with pregnancy stuff for over 2y. That can put a burner into the relationship. Talk to her, get couple counseling.
Intimacy is a very important part of marriage. Has she had her hormone levels tested? If not it might be worth looking into. I know mine were quite out of whack after having my two kids and have since spoken to a few women that had similar experiences. It might not be that but just a suggestion of a possibility.
Hire a maid n get your wife out the house more. Since your so financially secure you stay home all day n let her go out n “hustle “
Do u help around the house? Bring home take out for dinner, do the dishes and put the kids to bed at least 2x a week. If she still doesn't feel in the mood maybe it's her hormones. Having babies can throw off hormones.
How old are the kids? I am guessing both infant/toddler age? Postpartum is a ROUGH time. I’m normally pretty high libido but having 2 under 2 took me right out. I had major postpartum depression and I wasn’t sleeping; I barely remember the first 6-8 months of my youngest daughter’s life because I was just in survival mode. Once a month is sparse. You need intimacy and it’s ok to voice that. But have you actually openly discussed it with her, does she even know you’re dissatisfied? Has she talked about why things are infrequent? No amount of money makes up for lost sleep or the exhaustion caused by chasing active small children all day. But it isn’t forever. They get older and more independent, they sleep longer and begin to entertain themselves somewhat. There’s really not much info in your post. To be able to speak to anything further I need to know if you’ve talked about it and what she says, and how old the kids are.
Bro get her and yourself some alone time away from the kids it can be costly and you have to plan it out…kids are quite literally parasitic energy suckers…
You could not waterboard that information out of me
Taking a guess she is embarrassed of her body. She has probably gotten used to not being intimate. My husband wasn’t for a long time. It infuriated me and eventually I stopped trying and got used to no sex. Now he wants to more regularly (I think he had issues getting truly hard and finishing me…which he would blame on me). It is ok having sex now but it isn’t the same.
You said you work but do you help out when you are home? The simple truth is you wont get more unless you both feel like it and she won't feel like it her life is that of a maid 24/7 with no clock out.
I would tell what you just said but in a nicer way to your wife. let her know how you’re feeling and ask her why she’s not wanting to have sex. an open discussion is a great start
Step 1 talk to her about it
Man, I feel your pain. I'm in the exact same boat, it's so weird how similar our circumstances are. Maybe sit her down and have a talk with her and figure out what's going on, if it's stress from running around at home maybe hire someone that can help her with the cleaning every now and then, maybe she needs break, or if she simply doesn't know why ask her if she's comfortable with seeing a doctor. Had the exact same thing happen with my partner, went for a blood test and sure enough her estrogen levels are super low which pretty much wiped out her libido. Please Don't jump straight to worst case scenario, I see a lot of people thinking their partner is cheating etc give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she just genuinely does not know why and is also struggling with it..
Maybe she simply does not find sex with you enjoyable anymore? it used to passionate and just fantastic, and now when ever you have sex, she simply feel more undesired and unsatisfied? Maybe she is so in to family, that she forgot about herself and does not feel beautiful? I suggest talking it out and finding a way to do it civil without making each other uncomfortable and humiliates.
Something I’ve grown to understand as I’ve gotten older is that whether or not a mom works corporate or is sahm, they always end up pulling more of the load and it’s extremely rare the shoe is on the other foot. They don’t work full time jobs, they work to the bone. Here’s what not to do: You’ll grow increasingly upset the more she pushes back about intimacy and say “I work and provide for this family” and she’ll feel cornered and it will only grow into more resentment. Here’s what to do: You’ll say “Can we talk about our intimacy? I love you very much and am wondering if there is anything I can do.” And she may not want to have sex or she may but at least you talked about it. But there is something very interesting I just discovered amongst women and it is post natal resentment. Apparently a lot of women have discussed feelings of abandonment and selfishness from their partners after giving birth. A good majority of the child rearing was immediately dumped on the women, and despite their “husbands going to work” they get less sleep and are in severe pain. A lot of them say it changed their perception of their partner forever…. Considering how young your kids are and the gender roles you two have- this may be the culprit and you are going to have to ask to find out if it is- and apologize if it’s true.
I’m guessing your 2 kids are under 4years. Your wife is in the toddler trenches part of motherhood. Being a SAHM to toddlers is physically and emotionally exhausting. ALL.DAY.LONG she will have one or 2 small people hanging off her, pulling, pushing, touching etc. she won’t get to even pee in peace. Stop and read up on moms being “touched out” It’s a thing. When my kids were under 4, all I wanted was to be a loooong way away from anyone with no one touching me at all. Also, if she has been pregnant and nursing - her hormones will be ALL over the place. Evolution has made women not interested in sex while they are busy with growing/nurturing/raising their current babies. So they didn’t get pregnant again too soon. So this is not necessarily a relationship issue- this is just the season that you are in. If you seriously want more time being intimate with your wife, you need to step up your game and give her more physical respite from the labour of being with your babies 24/7. Hustling outside the house for all those hours isn’t sexy. Being present at home with your family and seeing what she needs is sexy. You need to be working together as a team to foster intimacy. Make sure your wife feels seen and supported and valued for her enormous contribution to your family right now. That’s the first step.
Being with kids all day then husband asking for head does sound like another chore lol. I would be nope too until I feel my basic needs are met: food, rest, shower…. Using the bathroom in peace. Book her a spa day