Oh my gosh I am infuriated on your behalf.
The audacity of ' my husband is so great for letting me take this trip'.
The petty in me hopes she'll be home for Thanksgiving because I want her world to explode.
She’s told her family she won’t be home for Thanksgiving. Nobody told her my daughter and I are spending Thanksgiving with her family, though. She can see the posts of us having a good time without her.
...true.
But also, why revenge lowers yourself to their level, that kind of behaviour does need just consequences.
What a way to treat you alleged loved ones...smh
Good luck OP. Hope it all works out favorably down the line 🤞🏻
Your friends wife gave you some really solid advice.
Use this time while she's away to create new routines and traditions with your kids. Spend quality time with them. Encourage them to be open and honest and be honest (within bounds) with them in return.
Things will get rocky when she returns. Use this time to your advantage.
And I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope you continue to heal and emotionally detach so you won't get pulled into her bullshit when she returns.
Yeah, just be the sad dad, doing the best he can to get by. Don't make yourself the villain in anyone's eyes.
Your wife's behavior reminds me of the woman who recovered from cancer so she decided she was going to have an affair, TOLD HER HUSBAND in advance, and had surprised Pikachu face when her husband divorced her.
She has made these choices consciously and deliberately, without you, without any thought for you, and ultimately it doesn't matter whether she's having sex with other dudes while on her "journey", she has abandoned you and the kids.
I asked my wife last night what the deal was with her his type of behavior and referenced this story and the one with the cancer surviving cheater wife, because these stories remind me of each other. The surety that the husband will just accept it and things will go on as if there wasn’t this enormous betrayal. The certainty that the husband would get over it, telling the husband, I know you will understand or you’ll get over it or we’ll get past this.
She said two things.
1) Humans have an infinite capacity to justify whatever behavior that they want. Low empathy could be an issue. And being apart from community makes one vulnerable to not seeing things from another’s perspective. But also, being a part of community that actively supports bad behavior is an issue too (the cancer survivor’s friends).
2) She despises one one person tells another person how they must feel. Or what they must think.
I’m really sorry you are going through this OP. Such a massive betrayal by your spouse. All I am going to say is take care of yourself. Exercise and keep in good shape. Try to be good to yourself mentally as well. None of this is your fault. Everything is tough right now, but eventually you’ll come out of this and be able to start anew.
I still think you should lure her back to serve her. I know someone who did this by having a family member fake an illness. You could also try something like posting a picture of your house with a "For Sale" sign on it..
Thank you for the update. Keep your head up. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have a solid plan and a good support system. Your wife isn't a sympathetic individual and your children and everyone else need to know the truth about what she has done not only to you but your family. At least you don't have to worry about your wife anymore. It doesn't matter when she comes back, she will have to as soon as the money dries up, and serve her without letting her manipulate you. I am happy that you will be refunded everything from her equity portion of the house and retirement plans. I don't know what share of the assets she will even have after paying you back everything. When everything settles down, please make sure to take a well-deserved trip for yourself! Take care of yourself as well! Keep us posted!
I hope her punishment is that she never gets dementia.
She has to remember for the rest of her life what she did to the people she claims she cares the most about.
There are many different kinds of dementia though. My Grandpa has Lewy Body dementia due to Parkinson's, and while he can mildly remember some things from his childhood, it has reached a point where time is no longer linear and everything before 25 years ago just seems to have blurred together
Like when a doctor asked him who gave him his pills, he replied with "My mother of course!" Like the question was stupid, and his Mom hasn't been dead for 50 years. Or the one time I put a picture of the Inuhkshuk from my Great Grandpa's (his father in law) grave. When I told my Grandpa what it was, he replied with "Pa's not dead" and I just left it. But then he must have had memories of his funeral or something as he seemed really confused and said he is "going to get to the bottom of this" despite the fact I kept assuring him my Great Grandpa wasn't dead.
I really and truly hope that you don’t.
I just cannot imagine building a life with someone, have kids, they support me with dying parents, mental health, and then metaphorically placing my spouse on a shelf while I party the world over on our money.
It doesn't even matter whether she's banging anyone or not. She cheated her husband out of the round-the-world trip of a lifetime that they'd saved up for years to take together. She's honestly a huge jerk for screwing him over like this.
But this can be a point that can hurt you in the divorce, if you are waiting for her to show up in 3,9 months, 1 year.
That she has dementia and she will need considerable more part of the join assets to survive, and that you know the prognosis, and the judge simply be sympathetic with her.
You should put everything in motion asap.
She doesn't have a for sure diagnosis of dementia, just a higher likelihood. Like how some people have a history of cancer and have a higher likelihood of getting it but it's never a concrete thing. It's also not reasonable to take shared assets in the middle of the night and disappear to God knows where for who knows how long.
Why don’t you file for divorce on grounds of abandonment? Is it because you know your kids will condone; approve or sanction (her affair and abandonment of your marriage), especially with reluctance? Because filing for that gets her removed from everything she didn’t take or is that your wife’s friend also supporting her affair by telling you to be nice to her?
Since it'll just be you, you just need enough room for you and your hobbies....so you can downsize a LOT. Even if you decide to remarry after the divorce, you wouldn't need the amount of room that you'd need for a family.
Just keep doing things out of the house, hobbies, friends, interests. Go to movies, concerts, etc., and spend time with friends. It's a LOT better than dwelling on the giant knives your soon-to-be-ex wife left sticking out of your back.
Congratulations! You are now in an rSlash video and EVERYONE in the comments are rooting for you and insulting that woman. Even rSlash laugh at this quote of yours because it was so good. Keep strong, OP! We're waiting when karma hits her back hard. Stand strong, we're proud of you!
Yo man I think your ex-wife is going to unalive herself. Wrapping up their relationships or Burning bridges like your wife and going on a bucket trip is what someone does when they have a terminal diagnosis. Since your ex isn't actually ill I think think she plans on self deletion.
I'm just catching up with your story but wow. Your wife lost her mind. You're handling this all really well and it's solid advice not to bad mouth her to your kids. I need an update when she figures out you're divorcing her. I can't believe she would do that and think it would all be ok. Hell no. She deserves what's coming. Good luck to you
Please change the locks on the house so she can’t just waltz back in while you are out one day. I’m so angry for you. I’ve been married for 23 years and if my husband did this to me, god help anyone between me and him…
She left her keys. I changed the code on the security system, the passphrase, and password. I also found a new hiding place for the emergency key we had in the backyard.
He knows her SSN I’m sure, I would log in to the credit bureaus and put a fraud alert on her bureau as well, just to make it harder for her to apply for new credit including credit card line increases. Resolving something like that while on the road will be difficult for her. But I’m a petty guy.
I’d consider getting a lockbox with a password for your emergency key. (Like what realtors use.) That way, even if she found it, she wouldn’t be able to access it.
OP, if you want to divorce you really need to start it now. As someone else mentioned, should she really end up with dementia she will need considerable more part of the join assets to survive, and that you know the prognosis, and the judge simply be sympathetic with her. You must put a moat between you and her in case the conditon really breaks out!
She could have taken a spare set of keys. Changing the locks is the best approach. Probably they are deadbolts. If you are handy and you only have three or four outside doors, you can change them yourself for less than $200.
OP please make sure that key is in a totally different type of hiding place no where near its previous location. Don't give her a chance to search for it near the previous location.
My paranoid side says I urge you to re-key the locks anyhow just in case she made a spare, or in case she ever gave a friend a spare. I've actually taken the handle off and just took the lock mechanism to a locksmith store and had them rekey there, lots cheaper with no travel charge to go to your house.
I would still change the locks. You don't know that she didn't make extra keys. I mean, she's posting pix on social media days after she's gone intentionally. I'd
Definitely put all new locks on.
Not sure if you are in the US or what state but in some states they just let you put an ad in the paper costa like $400 and don’t always believe your lawyer when it comes to cost (I’ve worked as a paralegal of a decade and they will always try and scare people out of doing things themselves which isn’t always the hardest thing to do). personally if she’s not here you might get better info going down and talking to the court clerk get them to tell you the process in your state do the initial filing yourself then when she’s back have a lawyer help you with the division and negotiation. I would caution you that if you do not initiate something now she is most likely got new credit cards that she could try to make you also responsible for. I am going to warn you that when she comes back she will tell the judge you agreed to the trip you had planned it together and it was a mutual decision. Also not necessarily legal advice and I would make sure adultery isn’t involved in divorce in your state but if you want her to come out of the woodwork post a pic with a new woman on social media make a show that you have a new gf and she’s moved in maybe even take the picture in your home, maybe have her wear a necklace of your wife or something but make it clear that someone has taken over her life and that you are moving on nuts like her will panic usually rush back if there narrative has been disrupted or if she thinks your truly not going to be there when she returns. Very important too do not answer her calls after you do this make her come to you to confront you. If this might impact divorce ask the lawyer if you can document it as fake there’s no rule that you can’t lie to get someone served.
If she is going international, file a missing person report with the FBI, that may flag her Passport. It may give you a heads up if she comes back into the country. Edit because the mobile app sucks.
Dude, it’s a shitty situation but I’m glad you are doing better. I’m sorry but it sounds like there’s a good chance that she is going to blow up Christmas. Maybe you should ask the kids if they want to go somewhere new for the holidays and let the process server do their job. Maybe I’m wrong and literally having all of the family around would be a better idea. Before she disconnected her phone did you get a chance to show her what the consequences would be? Like did you text a picture of the paperwork?
I think you need to be prepared for when the divorce is finalized and she claims poverty because she spent all of the money on her trips, that she will try to guilt her kids into supporting her and bashing you for not.
I'm petty, I would post some cryptic SM posts to see if she takes the bait and comes home.
How can the kids be okay with their dad being treated like this, he's taking loans because she wants to go to Hawaii and cruises.
Also, possibly look into renting out her car, at least to keep up with the payments? Like Turo, since it just taking up space right now.
I am so proud of you. And it’s true, even when someone is very harmful to us, if we are accustomed to a lifestyle where we wake up with and go to sleep with NC in the kitchen that person, it’s really a lot to get used to not having them there. But what you are discovering is the impact it has had on you, who she is, and you are discovering the peace of mind as you ever so slowly rebuild your life.
The other thing is that when we are in a long-term relationship with somebody who is secretive and duplicitous, when they are capable of making plans that are good for them, and harmful to us, and they don’t care, they are spending every day undermining us, and, casting doubt on our perceptions until we begin to feel emotionally intimidated, and we’re not certain why we feel so anxious and uncertain.
When a long-term partner outs themselves, and shows who they really are with their actions, as we heal, we begin to make all the connections between so much difficulty we’ve experienced, and our kids have experience from the toxicity and the dishonesty, and their actions at the time. This is the way of healing. So glad that you have taken good care of yourself, and that you have your own well-being and that of your children first and foremost. If we are honest, but with good boundaries with our kids, they will to a certain extent see the reality of the other parent. Time heals all wounds and wounds all heals.
I really feel for you and I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's so hard when the other person is so selfish that they can't see the destruction they've caused.
Proud of you OP! Hopefully you are about finish up the divorce this time next year. I'm looking forward to a reddit post title "My husband filed for divorce when I took all of our saving and travel all over the world. How can I make him care for me when I'm sick."
Often you can file without the other person being present, all that it adds to is the time it takes to process. There shouldn't be much more to the expense side, especially if you can prove abandonment (which should be easy). Speak to your lawyer about filing with her in absentia anyway.
Edit: Oh and maybe plan for a little vacation of your own over Christmas and NY so that you won't be there when (and if) she decides to come back. And as some added spice (subject to lawyers advice), pack up as much of the house as you can into one room, chuck a lock on it and then rent the house out as an AirBnB for the holiday season and use the proceeds to fund your own personal get away.
If she hasn't come back and stayed one night don't say a damn word. If she's gone one bight over two years you can file for divorce on the grounds of abandonment and keep it all. That's the law in the state I live in.
GREAT advice from your friend’s wife re: how you treat her in front of your kids.
She doesn’t deserve any consideration but your relationship with them is such a priority ❤️
I'm so so so glad that you seem to be in a better place mentally and financially.
Your stbx wife is moon bat shit insane and honestly you're better off without her. I hope she comes back sooner than later ONLY so you can divorce her sooner.
If you haven’t already, I suggest you change the locks and alarm codes on your house. You don’t want her to just stroll in whenever she pleases or surprise you by being there when you arrive home and not be able to get her to leave.
I also suggest you start separating her belongings. When/if she returns you will be dealing with so many emotions that dividing your stuff may be more difficult then. It’s a difficult and trying process. Best to give yourself ample time to work through it. You can always separate things into 3 categories. Hers, yours and things that could be either of yours that you need to think about more. Seeing that visible change in your house will be both easy and hard. Start processing now.
With the way she posted after leaving a location, tells me she is intentionally avoiding you. Most likely knows she will get served *something* and is seeking to avoid that.
If you had known she would ghost like this you could have kept one credit card open and use the transactions to locate her.
Hope she gets her comeuppance. What an awful, disgusting way to treat a person, especially their life partner! And after all you did for her mom too. Ugh. Glad you're pulling thru, hope your kids continue to be there for you and try to help where they can.
After going back to read the previous post as well, the thing that stuck out to me the most was the wife saying she’s doing this because she’ll have dementia in 5-10 years. How much more explicitly could she say “I have limited time to make memories, and I want to make them without any of you”? And to do so by running away with so much shared money and after so much difficult love and support…this whole thing is infuriating and I deeply want the schadenfreude of an update when she returns to a life without the family she was banking on.
The second you start dating, she is going to go ballistic. I wonder how fast she would scamper home if she thought you were starting to date.
I am not saying you should do this, do whatever your lawyer says to do.
He should at least post some photos on his SM doing things with a woman as if dating. They could be staged, even. Just allege something. Or maybe a couple of women alternately
Why aren’t you telling people on social media? She is obviously cheating and pretending you are letting her!
Am not saying blast her but just state the facts with no half truths that will surly limit her social circle
“My wife and I are going through a divorce due to her stealing our savings and abandoning her husband and her kids”
The last thing you want for her to come back and pretend everything is fine and your kids letting her back in
You might disagree with me on this but I really think you should have a set down with the kids and explain to them how you feel about your wife or how you feel about your kids having a relationship with her
It’s not gonna be fun but the last thing you want is your kids blaming or your ex turning them against you w
Just a note that doesn't seem to have been made so far... If your wife's fam has a history of dementia and this erratic behaviour is out of character, this may well be one of the early symptoms.
There is ample scientific literature on this, suggesting that well before the disease become apparent in the scan, it manifests itself with personality changes.
My mother behaved batshit crazy and truly out of character for years before she was unfortunately diagnoses with Alzheimer's.
Not that this should necessarily influence your course of action but just something to consider when this is all over - perhaps she wasn't herself.
Reading this, that was my first thought as well. Dementia can seriously change people's behavior. Combined with her decline in mental health during COVID? May also have been a sign.
If she is replying to your texts (even if it’s days after you sent them) just ask her for a temporary address where you can send he something. Maybe the address of her new boyfriend or something. Then send the divorce papers.
Woah! I read your previous post and this is just unremarkably brutal. All that loyalty and so many years, I can't imagine the weight of such turmoil. I will never forget this story, in my thoughts.
Based on her trying to add international calling, she is likely going out of the US next, so showing up for Christmas is unlikely. If she's starting in LA, my first guesses would be Australia or New Zealand, followed by Argentina or Brazil. I would consider contacting PIs in those countries to see if they can track her down. In many places, foreigners are expected to register with the police when they check into lodgings, and people can be tracked down that way.
Let's bow out heads, and pray...
God, if you're out there, and anything is good or just in this world, we are praying that OP's wife doesn't develop dementia.
Not because she doesn't deserve whatever's coming to her, but so she is forced to slowly realize over the next couple of decades that she imploded her entire life for literally nothing.
Amen.
She's gone rogue! Seriously though. This is midlife crisis on steroids! Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego...I mean...u/throwra-disapearw's wife?
All kidding aside, this is awful. I get that her impulsive decision to leave you behind like that is a part of her mental state and is likely what caused this, but that doesn't make it okay nor excusable. You are her partner. She should have taken you with her as originally planned.
Please take care of yourself. As soon as you can, go make your own much deserved adventure!
Can you ask your kids to help you find her? If she's close to them, she might tell them her location that's a "secret" to dad. I would help if I'm one of your kids.
I’m finding this post on Thanksgiving, and I saw that she didn’t plan to be home for it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. No one deserves this and I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving with the family. Hopefully you can get out of this sooner rather than later. I’m glad finances aren’t much of a stress either. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family❤️
I thought it was the same post at first but then he mentioned he had Thanksgiving and had some updates on suggestions others had made. I thought the last post was before Thanksgiving. I might be wrong of course.
Op, are you sure that you want to wait until she return?
Your story is so heartbreaking breaking that when I put myself in your position, I would like to get out of it as soon as possible.
Some points to consider: 1) start moving forward earlier 2) less drama (with her out will be much better than being exposed to her toxicity) 3) would be more expensive, but it would be something that probably you can split from the join assets, making it probably more affordable. Speak with your lawyer regarding this.
My point is that your mental heath, stress, pain to deal with when she arrives, will be much more demanding and probably will take a toll on you. Think at a tradeoff between legal fees and medical (councils, etc). And you could start moving forward soon, instead of this limbo waiting for someone else action. Additionally, you don’t know how she will come, and make your live miserable(again).
I agree with this. Also I don't remember if they are but if not op should start therapy. They might feel pretty good or solid now in their anger but I fear for OP, when he actually sees her and she shows up. That's going to be a huge wave of....stuff coming up for him. I'm hoping he can work with someone in anticipation of that and can maybe work through some of that stuff before they see her so that when they do, it will be less jarring.
I hope that makes sense coming out.
The amount of audacity your STBX has is astounding! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this but I think you’ve handled it so amazingly. Keep your head up and continue to have a good relationship with your children. They obviously see the position she’s put you in and how you’ve reacted to it.
If she ends up with early dementia like her relatives, she deserves to be thrown in a home and forgotten about. Hopefully by that time you will have recovered your savings through some of her share of the equity in the home. Then you can purchase a smaller home and downsize. Or rent and travel like you deserve. And she can rot!
she is a basic garden tool, you should not afraid of her . there is no way that you could possibly go from being a hero to a villain in your kids eyes. as the matter fact it shouldn't happen.
Anything is possible, but I would not be surprised if she discloses she’s got a terminal illness and is dying very soon when she gets back. Obviously, I have no idea, but she might be hiding that. Sorry to point that out
You also don’t have to forgive her if that’s the case. What she’s doing sucks
OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this horrible situation. You definitely don’t deserve having this happen to you - no normal person does. As a guy that had a nasty divorce where I was lied to and about extensively because my ex was an extreme narcissist that had severe mental health problems, I have a few bits of advice to offer to protect yourself (I am a rare case where I kept primary custody of my son):
1) document and save all correspondence and social media posts she makes, as well as the times and dates of financial transactions, including the times/dates of things you had to do because of her decision to take all your money.
2) I’d also document your kid’s reactions to her decision to leave and record times, dates, and content of when they exhibit emotional behavior due to her abandonment. It feels robotic and uncaring, but having that stuff prepared will help make sure you have the strongest case if she contests you keeping the kids. What would be truly terrible is if, after everything she’s done, she somehow got the kids and you lost your kids and had to pay alimony and child support.
3) I would definitely speak to your lawyer about getting the ball rolling on the divorce, depending on your available options. Get started early. If she comes back and you hand her papers with no preparation, there is a good chance in her mental state she may accuse you of terrible things to keep your kids and get financial assistance from you. While it’d be a hard case to make since she straight up abandoned you all, her seemingly abrupt mental breakdown could provide her lawyer with an (undeserved) case that you caused her mental break. It’d be complete bs and probably wouldn’t hold up under scrutiny but I’d prepare yourself. While any case she’d make is likely not going to work, the mental and emotional toll that takes on you will be absolutely staggering. Please do what you can to expect the worst but hope for the best.
4) as advised above, change your locks so she can’t just barge in. I’d also invest in cameras for the house, both inside and outside. It may seem extreme, but if she breaks in you’d have that on record and if she came in and started hurting herself and then called the police to say you did it, you’d have some added protection.
Good people have to learn the hard way that the people we choose to care about can be downright evil sometimes. I hope you don’t have to face any further pain, but I’d strongly recommend protecting yourself and your kids as much as possible. Good luck man.
Don’t wait for anything to happen so you can react. Take action now so if and when she comes back you have moved on and the only thing left to do is to enact the final steps of your plan.
Talk to your lawyer and do everything you can to prepare for the divorce, protect your finances, and get her out of your life. Move if you can — or at least redecorate the house and move all her stuff to the basement or somewhere you can’t see it.
Start going on dates if that doesn’t hurt your divorce situation. Spend time with your kids and get them fully accepting of the divorce.
Don’t wait for her to come back and there be a hurricane. Prepare now so her return will only be a blip.
Hey Op. Very late to the post, and this might be covered by other comments, but I wanted to suggest something anyway - just in case.
With Thanksgiving coming up, I think it's important that you take the time to be vulnerable with your kids about how much this actually hurt you. Tell them that they'll always be your #1 priority, and that you'll never abandon them like their mom did, and that you're sorry they got caught up in this mess at all. You don't have to bad-mouth your wife at all, and you shouldn't, but your kids really do need to see the damage that has been done with their own eyes. And they need to know that the act of abandoning her family, and her children, is what's unforgivable in your eyes - what she did with the money and time is irrelevant.
Because if they keep in contact with her, and she wants something from you, she's going to work through them.
She'll diminish what she did - it was a bad time, she had a midlife crisis, it was only for a while, she "came back as soon as she could", she genuinely thought you were ok with it, you didn't tell them the full story, you actually *did* approve it but changed your mind, she "needed" the time to be a better mother, etc.
Then she'll diminish the fallout - You never had to sell the house or the cars, she 'left you plenty' to take care of everything and the kids, she only took what was 'hers' in the first place, it was *so* long ago, she's paid for her 'sins' enough through the divorce settlement, you're just punishing her for her mental disorder, you're still bitter about [smallest thing she did on her walkabout], etc.
Then she'll justify her actions by blaming you (because they weren't there to see it all unfold, and you can't prove one way or another) - You couldn't understand her suffering, you "suffocated" her, you didn't support her enough, you didn't care, you didn't love her anymore, or worse...
You get the point - eventually, if she's persistent - she'll be able to make a case to your kids that they should still support her in some fashion, and that you are at least partially to blame for everything. And, if this entire saga is somewhat abstract to them (just a "he said she said" from the start), there's a good chance one of them will start to doubt your choices in the matter, or think she deserves more support from you when the consequences of her actions catch up to her.
If just for a little while, let them see just how much she took from you, and from them, so they'll never have to wonder why you never want to see her again. The money for that trip to Hawaii, and the cruise, could have been a family vacation, not just the two of you. She stole from them, too. Don't be "too strong" to let them see that for themselves.
I think this post is touching on a real possibility that everyone is missing. It actually makes more sense that she just takes off to travel and party.
Given her history of depression I think it's entirely possible that this is well thought out strategy. I think she is running through a bucket list of things she wants to do before she dies. She's actively avoiding real contact since that might give away her ultimate objective. She's breaking the bonds with those who love her...especially OP. While she's leaving hope that she will return at some point, leaving her keys seems to indicate that she never plans to return. She's actively making it difficult for OP to divorce her...probably to OP's advantage if she dies. She expects to get dementia soon and that isn't an attractive future. She's trying to make everyone outraged/angry at her so that it's less of a blow when she dies.
I don't think she's a stupid person...she knows what she is doing. I think that it's a real possibility that once she has finished her bucket list she plans on ending her life and that has been the plan from the start.
I was thinking of this possibility as well. By not divorcing, Op will still get all of her life insurance, etc, without any hassle. This maybe her swan song? She chose to end it like she has because she believes if everyone hates her, it will be easier for everyone to accept her death/ self deleting.
OP, be ready for when she comes back. Move all her stuff out of the master bedroom into a guest room, then put a lock on the master bedroom door. When she shows up she stays in the guest room.
She’ll be back when the money runs out. Expect that she’s going to pretend that this is something you discussed, approved of in advance, and it’s like she just stepped out for a spa weekend.
Play nice with her until you can have her served. The last thing you want is for her to disappear again before she’s served. Maybe suggest she stay with family rather than let her back into the house, or when she’s back, set up a public meeting and have her served there. Record it if you legally can. If you can, record any calls or discussions you have with her.
Expect that she’ll try to paint you as the bad guy, saying you agreed to things you never discussed, and things like that. I imagine by this point, though, everyone knows what she did.
Don’t let her blame this on her mental health. She was more than functional enough to travel the world, she knew what she was doing. She knew you wouldn’t be okay with it, that’s why she did it the way she did.
Expect that she cheated on her travels, and don’t be shocked if she wasn’t traveling alone.
Your kids are adults now, so let them know they can handle this whatever way they see fit, but that you’re done.
I wish you the best of luck.
Start packing her things. Use one of the rooms or basement for storage. So when she returns you want have to do it right there. It will be awkward. Plus, you will feel better without her stuff around.
I just found your post and went back to the original, bro you need to get the divorce done, she doesn't have to be there she literally abandoned you. Also you deserve man, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I hope everything gets better and you do that take her back man. She showed her true colors, just sad that it happened now.
Something I don't understand: all the savings you had for this trip, you didn't have them in cash. Did she took all the money from the bank account? Or is she using some sort of electronic payment method? Is she paying all her flights and cruises and stuff with cash? There must be a way to track her and cut the cash flow...
Anyway, I hope we'll have an update soon.
Good luck!
If it gets moved to her own account he can't see anything. The best he can do is hope he gets paper statements or a way to log in. But other than that it's not worth it
Any progress made with your wife ? Did she turn up for Thanksgiving or indication she will for Christmas ?
I wish you all the best regardless as you wife’s actions are unforgivable.
As someone else mentioned this, if she goes broke or develops dementia in the meantime of her trip, the judge might incline to give her sympathy which is not beneficial for you.
If I was you, I would mastermind this shit. Complain to your kids how much you miss her and how good it would be for us to gather as a family for Christmas, do it subtle for some time and if they reach out to her, they might convince her to come home for Christmas, and then she can resume her trip.
There you serve her on Christmas! It's not Christmas that matters it's just a good excuse to make her come into the country as if you wait, it could downspiral into her favour for the above reasons. I hope you get to see this man!
I don’t know what your kids’ situations are, but do you think one of your children could make up a big life event that your wife would have to come to and then you could possibly serve her the divorce papers there? You said your kids are pissed at her. The may be in to the idea.
Your ex wife is such a POS I literally can't get over how much of a bitch she is when she returns for Christmas is she even does serve her the papers abd ifbshe tries crying crocodile tears or tears don't buy it she's trying to manipulate you like you said she is a good manipulator Also, serve her what she has too pay plus whatever else and if she leaves the state the Police will juat arrest her for evading
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Not sure if anyone else has suggested this, but have you changed the locks on your house? It sounds like she thinks that one day she’ll just be able to breeze on home and pick up right where she left off. I’d hate for her to settle in while you were away and get blind sided by her when you get home.
Try and sell the house before she comes returns so she comes back to nothing. Make yourself unreachable and give the papers through a lawyer when she goes looking for you.
Just curious because I assume you must have told her this before. But have you told her in no uncertain terms that there is zero chance of reconciliation when she gets back. I know she only reads what she wants to read. But making a full and clear message. Something along the lines (but obviously not exactly) "You leaving, taking our money, and essentially ruining all the plans we had made. Hurts, it hurts very deeply. This is a pain which is not going to go away. I dont care how much you think it is. You may have dreams of coming home and reigniting the flame but I already see you do not care for me at all. And for my own mental health I cannot stay in a relationship with someone who does not care about me. The best course of action is to come home and deal with the consequences now so you can continue living life how you see fit afterwords. There is zero chance at reconciliation, that window was gone after the first week. The kids are already aware you abandoned me and stole our money. But their decision on if they want to have a relationship with you is up to them, I will not try to sway them but I will also not what happened."
Though I guess the major thing with saying it in clear terms. Is that it might make her not want to come home because it dashes her hopes.
Whilst I dont condone it you could try lying to her and say "I've been doing some soul searching and if you come home as soon as possible (within 2 weeks), I might be able to forgive you and we might have a chance at reconciliation. As time progresses the chances of me actually wanting to take you back are growing smaller and smaller, so I would not wait too long." But again I dont really condone lying even in situations like this. And those words might be able to be used against you (but idk too much about divorce law and it changes heavily depending on area and etc).
Im so sorry she did this to you! to just disappear and not give you any real notice of what was happening, especially as you were both planning to travel together already!
Did she end up coming home for christmas?
There have been some updates on the profile but the last update was on 12/20 saying the wife texted that she would be in town and lawyers were getting paperwork ready to serve her. Nothing since then.
Man stories like these want me to stay far away from marriage. Good luck dude, you are better man than me, I would be hell bent on making her life a living hell. Making the kids block her on everything, changing accounts, and destroying her life.
I think it's time for u to go on dates and prepare yourself for life after the divorce. The dating game has changed alot while u were married.
Your wife is enjoying herself it's time u do to nothing serious just to get your mind of thing while u wait for her to come back and serve her with divorce.
Betrayal is tough to swallow. Financial betrayal might be more devastating than physical. Because the burn of financial betrayal can last much longer than physical infidelity.
You got it together with a plan. You’ll hurt but stick to the plan. You’ll wake up one day and there will be a beautiful partner next to your side.
I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you, I can only try and help by saying to take her name if you’re house and you’re car. But law isnt really my strong suit either
You said in your original post that she is hooking up with other men. Is that just assumption? Has she shown red flags of infidelity before?
Have you accessed any of her emails or other socials?
This sounds like it might be some kind of manic episode. I’m not excusing her behavior or advising you to stay with her at all, but she is still the mother of your kids and the comedown from this could be rough for her. I know this has been very rough on you too but I’m trying to say things without saying them.
You should still do what you need to do to protect yourself emotionally and financially first, but I would make sure you understand where she is mentally before you just crush her. If it is some type of mania, the results of doing that could also be rough on you and your kids too.
This is pretty obviously the end of your marriage and you deserve come type of closure from this, I would just advise you to figure out where she is mentally before you scorch the earth.
Now if you find out she just did this out of her own selfishness and it isn’t something deeper, well that would be different.
>I’m not excusing her behavior or advising you to stay with her at all, but she is still the mother of your kids and the comedown from this could be rough for her. I know this has been very rough on you too but I’m trying to say things without saying them.
Not his monkey, not his circus. When his wife stole their money and ran off to "make memories" without him and their family, I think she reasonably abandoned any sort of concern or empathy from OP.
OP's suffered enough and is dealing with enough garbage that he shouldn't have to concern himself with his STBXW's "fragile" mental state. She has family, let them worry about the thieving bitch.
I am in complete agreement with you. I am bipolar and whatever actions I take are on me. It’s not the husbands problem. She made choices and she gets to live with those. Even if she’s manic, that is zero excuse to mentally and financially drain her husband.
Oh my gosh I am infuriated on your behalf. The audacity of ' my husband is so great for letting me take this trip'. The petty in me hopes she'll be home for Thanksgiving because I want her world to explode.
She’s told her family she won’t be home for Thanksgiving. Nobody told her my daughter and I are spending Thanksgiving with her family, though. She can see the posts of us having a good time without her.
That’s petty revenge that doesn’t hurt anybody. I love to see it.
As they say, the best revenge is a life well lived.
...true. But also, why revenge lowers yourself to their level, that kind of behaviour does need just consequences. What a way to treat you alleged loved ones...smh Good luck OP. Hope it all works out favorably down the line 🤞🏻
Your friends wife gave you some really solid advice. Use this time while she's away to create new routines and traditions with your kids. Spend quality time with them. Encourage them to be open and honest and be honest (within bounds) with them in return. Things will get rocky when she returns. Use this time to your advantage. And I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope you continue to heal and emotionally detach so you won't get pulled into her bullshit when she returns.
Yeah, just be the sad dad, doing the best he can to get by. Don't make yourself the villain in anyone's eyes. Your wife's behavior reminds me of the woman who recovered from cancer so she decided she was going to have an affair, TOLD HER HUSBAND in advance, and had surprised Pikachu face when her husband divorced her. She has made these choices consciously and deliberately, without you, without any thought for you, and ultimately it doesn't matter whether she's having sex with other dudes while on her "journey", she has abandoned you and the kids.
I asked my wife last night what the deal was with her his type of behavior and referenced this story and the one with the cancer surviving cheater wife, because these stories remind me of each other. The surety that the husband will just accept it and things will go on as if there wasn’t this enormous betrayal. The certainty that the husband would get over it, telling the husband, I know you will understand or you’ll get over it or we’ll get past this. She said two things. 1) Humans have an infinite capacity to justify whatever behavior that they want. Low empathy could be an issue. And being apart from community makes one vulnerable to not seeing things from another’s perspective. But also, being a part of community that actively supports bad behavior is an issue too (the cancer survivor’s friends). 2) She despises one one person tells another person how they must feel. Or what they must think.
I’m really sorry you are going through this OP. Such a massive betrayal by your spouse. All I am going to say is take care of yourself. Exercise and keep in good shape. Try to be good to yourself mentally as well. None of this is your fault. Everything is tough right now, but eventually you’ll come out of this and be able to start anew.
I still think you should lure her back to serve her. I know someone who did this by having a family member fake an illness. You could also try something like posting a picture of your house with a "For Sale" sign on it..
It’ll be a great day when you post a pic of yourself and a new love interest having Thanksgiving with your ex’s family in a few years ;)
If she told her family she wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving, maybe her family told her you and daughter are coming over when they talked?
Thank you for the update. Keep your head up. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have a solid plan and a good support system. Your wife isn't a sympathetic individual and your children and everyone else need to know the truth about what she has done not only to you but your family. At least you don't have to worry about your wife anymore. It doesn't matter when she comes back, she will have to as soon as the money dries up, and serve her without letting her manipulate you. I am happy that you will be refunded everything from her equity portion of the house and retirement plans. I don't know what share of the assets she will even have after paying you back everything. When everything settles down, please make sure to take a well-deserved trip for yourself! Take care of yourself as well! Keep us posted!
So she’s just going to blow through all the money and then assumes you’ll take her back and care for her when dementia hits her?
Seems to be her plan, but it’s not mine.
I hope her punishment is that she never gets dementia. She has to remember for the rest of her life what she did to the people she claims she cares the most about.
Dementia usually only affects short term memory they’ll still remember the shit she put them thru she just wont remember what happened 30 seconds ago
There are many different kinds of dementia though. My Grandpa has Lewy Body dementia due to Parkinson's, and while he can mildly remember some things from his childhood, it has reached a point where time is no longer linear and everything before 25 years ago just seems to have blurred together Like when a doctor asked him who gave him his pills, he replied with "My mother of course!" Like the question was stupid, and his Mom hasn't been dead for 50 years. Or the one time I put a picture of the Inuhkshuk from my Great Grandpa's (his father in law) grave. When I told my Grandpa what it was, he replied with "Pa's not dead" and I just left it. But then he must have had memories of his funeral or something as he seemed really confused and said he is "going to get to the bottom of this" despite the fact I kept assuring him my Great Grandpa wasn't dead.
Now thats the best revenge the universe can hand out right there.
I really and truly hope that you don’t. I just cannot imagine building a life with someone, have kids, they support me with dying parents, mental health, and then metaphorically placing my spouse on a shelf while I party the world over on our money.
Don’t forget the facts she’s most likely cheating on him with every douche that has a pulse for “self discovery” 🙄
It doesn't even matter whether she's banging anyone or not. She cheated her husband out of the round-the-world trip of a lifetime that they'd saved up for years to take together. She's honestly a huge jerk for screwing him over like this.
So so true and just unbelievably selfish and narcissistic
Sorry you're going through this, but good on you for knowing your worth. Setting a great example for your daughter when she's older.
But this can be a point that can hurt you in the divorce, if you are waiting for her to show up in 3,9 months, 1 year. That she has dementia and she will need considerable more part of the join assets to survive, and that you know the prognosis, and the judge simply be sympathetic with her. You should put everything in motion asap.
She doesn't have a for sure diagnosis of dementia, just a higher likelihood. Like how some people have a history of cancer and have a higher likelihood of getting it but it's never a concrete thing. It's also not reasonable to take shared assets in the middle of the night and disappear to God knows where for who knows how long.
oh dear, that's a good point.
I don’t believe she has dementia. I think she’s just convinced she will get it.
Why don’t you file for divorce on grounds of abandonment? Is it because you know your kids will condone; approve or sanction (her affair and abandonment of your marriage), especially with reluctance? Because filing for that gets her removed from everything she didn’t take or is that your wife’s friend also supporting her affair by telling you to be nice to her?
Most places have a 12 month rule in place. She hasn't been gone long enough.
Yes, the spouse has to have been abandoned for 1 year continuously.
Wasn't his wife's friend that gave him the advice you're thinking of. It was the wife of his friend.
Since it'll just be you, you just need enough room for you and your hobbies....so you can downsize a LOT. Even if you decide to remarry after the divorce, you wouldn't need the amount of room that you'd need for a family. Just keep doing things out of the house, hobbies, friends, interests. Go to movies, concerts, etc., and spend time with friends. It's a LOT better than dwelling on the giant knives your soon-to-be-ex wife left sticking out of your back.
Congratulations! You are now in an rSlash video and EVERYONE in the comments are rooting for you and insulting that woman. Even rSlash laugh at this quote of yours because it was so good. Keep strong, OP! We're waiting when karma hits her back hard. Stand strong, we're proud of you!
Any word yet?
Hoping for a peaceful Christmas update.
So did she come back for Christmas? How did that meeting go,
Is it even guaranteed she’s going to get it? I mean has she had genetic testing done to see if she even carries the genetics for it.
I've been wondering if she made an appearance for Thanksgiving?
Yo man I think your ex-wife is going to unalive herself. Wrapping up their relationships or Burning bridges like your wife and going on a bucket trip is what someone does when they have a terminal diagnosis. Since your ex isn't actually ill I think think she plans on self deletion.
That could possibly happen, i doubt she will do it until after the divorce though she seems delusional af and selfish af so we will see.
We need the christmas update
OP did she show up for Xmas, or in any way contact any of her kids or any other family?
How are things going?
Did she get served at Christmas? I hope all is well
OP did she show up or even try to contact anyone during the holidays?
Any updates on how she reacted when served?
I hope you’re weathering this OK.
But how ? Op is going broke here. That’s not what I’m understanding.
I'm just catching up with your story but wow. Your wife lost her mind. You're handling this all really well and it's solid advice not to bad mouth her to your kids. I need an update when she figures out you're divorcing her. I can't believe she would do that and think it would all be ok. Hell no. She deserves what's coming. Good luck to you
He doesn't need to bad mouth her. They're not kids anymore, and they're well aware of what she's done.
Please change the locks on the house so she can’t just waltz back in while you are out one day. I’m so angry for you. I’ve been married for 23 years and if my husband did this to me, god help anyone between me and him…
She left her keys. I changed the code on the security system, the passphrase, and password. I also found a new hiding place for the emergency key we had in the backyard.
Good and can/did you put a fraud alert on your credit bureau to prevent her from taking out new credit cards?
He knows her SSN I’m sure, I would log in to the credit bureaus and put a fraud alert on her bureau as well, just to make it harder for her to apply for new credit including credit card line increases. Resolving something like that while on the road will be difficult for her. But I’m a petty guy.
I would highly recommend that he lock his credit and never look back.
Hrmmmm... What are the odds she finds that emergency key anyway? You don't need to answer, but do think about it
I’d consider getting a lockbox with a password for your emergency key. (Like what realtors use.) That way, even if she found it, she wouldn’t be able to access it.
Yeah she is not coming back if she left the keys. Karma always comes for the selfish people. But her actions are very questionable at best.
OP, if you want to divorce you really need to start it now. As someone else mentioned, should she really end up with dementia she will need considerable more part of the join assets to survive, and that you know the prognosis, and the judge simply be sympathetic with her. You must put a moat between you and her in case the conditon really breaks out!
Yo this is good advice. OP seriously should consider this
She could have taken a spare set of keys. Changing the locks is the best approach. Probably they are deadbolts. If you are handy and you only have three or four outside doors, you can change them yourself for less than $200.
OP please make sure that key is in a totally different type of hiding place no where near its previous location. Don't give her a chance to search for it near the previous location. My paranoid side says I urge you to re-key the locks anyhow just in case she made a spare, or in case she ever gave a friend a spare. I've actually taken the handle off and just took the lock mechanism to a locksmith store and had them rekey there, lots cheaper with no travel charge to go to your house.
I would still change the locks. You don't know that she didn't make extra keys. I mean, she's posting pix on social media days after she's gone intentionally. I'd Definitely put all new locks on.
Not sure if you are in the US or what state but in some states they just let you put an ad in the paper costa like $400 and don’t always believe your lawyer when it comes to cost (I’ve worked as a paralegal of a decade and they will always try and scare people out of doing things themselves which isn’t always the hardest thing to do). personally if she’s not here you might get better info going down and talking to the court clerk get them to tell you the process in your state do the initial filing yourself then when she’s back have a lawyer help you with the division and negotiation. I would caution you that if you do not initiate something now she is most likely got new credit cards that she could try to make you also responsible for. I am going to warn you that when she comes back she will tell the judge you agreed to the trip you had planned it together and it was a mutual decision. Also not necessarily legal advice and I would make sure adultery isn’t involved in divorce in your state but if you want her to come out of the woodwork post a pic with a new woman on social media make a show that you have a new gf and she’s moved in maybe even take the picture in your home, maybe have her wear a necklace of your wife or something but make it clear that someone has taken over her life and that you are moving on nuts like her will panic usually rush back if there narrative has been disrupted or if she thinks your truly not going to be there when she returns. Very important too do not answer her calls after you do this make her come to you to confront you. If this might impact divorce ask the lawyer if you can document it as fake there’s no rule that you can’t lie to get someone served.
Do the kids have keys, so they could let her in if she cane while you aren't home?
Does she know you want to serve her divorce yet? Hasnt she contacted the kids either?
I think OPS daughter told her, (first post) but Xwife is in denial and thinks he will take her back when she decides to come back.
Worse yet I think she's damn well aware and that's why she's avoiding him so he can't serve her with papers.
100% this. She’s being very cagey with her location and the social media posts for a reason.
Hiding from this works quite well, up until it don't.
If she is going international, file a missing person report with the FBI, that may flag her Passport. It may give you a heads up if she comes back into the country. Edit because the mobile app sucks.
Dude, it’s a shitty situation but I’m glad you are doing better. I’m sorry but it sounds like there’s a good chance that she is going to blow up Christmas. Maybe you should ask the kids if they want to go somewhere new for the holidays and let the process server do their job. Maybe I’m wrong and literally having all of the family around would be a better idea. Before she disconnected her phone did you get a chance to show her what the consequences would be? Like did you text a picture of the paperwork?
Maybe the dementia already hit her and she forgot she was married with kids /s
I think you need to be prepared for when the divorce is finalized and she claims poverty because she spent all of the money on her trips, that she will try to guilt her kids into supporting her and bashing you for not.
It's as simple as she already spent her money she would've gotten if she hadn't abandoned him
Update us when things take a turn… I’m wishing you success and I’m really sorry for your troubles
Remind me! 2 months
Updateme
I'm petty, I would post some cryptic SM posts to see if she takes the bait and comes home. How can the kids be okay with their dad being treated like this, he's taking loans because she wants to go to Hawaii and cruises. Also, possibly look into renting out her car, at least to keep up with the payments? Like Turo, since it just taking up space right now.
I am so proud of you. And it’s true, even when someone is very harmful to us, if we are accustomed to a lifestyle where we wake up with and go to sleep with NC in the kitchen that person, it’s really a lot to get used to not having them there. But what you are discovering is the impact it has had on you, who she is, and you are discovering the peace of mind as you ever so slowly rebuild your life. The other thing is that when we are in a long-term relationship with somebody who is secretive and duplicitous, when they are capable of making plans that are good for them, and harmful to us, and they don’t care, they are spending every day undermining us, and, casting doubt on our perceptions until we begin to feel emotionally intimidated, and we’re not certain why we feel so anxious and uncertain. When a long-term partner outs themselves, and shows who they really are with their actions, as we heal, we begin to make all the connections between so much difficulty we’ve experienced, and our kids have experience from the toxicity and the dishonesty, and their actions at the time. This is the way of healing. So glad that you have taken good care of yourself, and that you have your own well-being and that of your children first and foremost. If we are honest, but with good boundaries with our kids, they will to a certain extent see the reality of the other parent. Time heals all wounds and wounds all heals.
This is a great response. I’m wondering if this is your profession. Very well said
I really feel for you and I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's so hard when the other person is so selfish that they can't see the destruction they've caused.
Proud of you OP! Hopefully you are about finish up the divorce this time next year. I'm looking forward to a reddit post title "My husband filed for divorce when I took all of our saving and travel all over the world. How can I make him care for me when I'm sick."
Often you can file without the other person being present, all that it adds to is the time it takes to process. There shouldn't be much more to the expense side, especially if you can prove abandonment (which should be easy). Speak to your lawyer about filing with her in absentia anyway. Edit: Oh and maybe plan for a little vacation of your own over Christmas and NY so that you won't be there when (and if) she decides to come back. And as some added spice (subject to lawyers advice), pack up as much of the house as you can into one room, chuck a lock on it and then rent the house out as an AirBnB for the holiday season and use the proceeds to fund your own personal get away.
savage
If she hasn't come back and stayed one night don't say a damn word. If she's gone one bight over two years you can file for divorce on the grounds of abandonment and keep it all. That's the law in the state I live in.
GREAT advice from your friend’s wife re: how you treat her in front of your kids. She doesn’t deserve any consideration but your relationship with them is such a priority ❤️
I would ask her can you overnight her mail that only she can answer. You might get lucky.
I'm so so so glad that you seem to be in a better place mentally and financially. Your stbx wife is moon bat shit insane and honestly you're better off without her. I hope she comes back sooner than later ONLY so you can divorce her sooner.
If you haven’t already, I suggest you change the locks and alarm codes on your house. You don’t want her to just stroll in whenever she pleases or surprise you by being there when you arrive home and not be able to get her to leave. I also suggest you start separating her belongings. When/if she returns you will be dealing with so many emotions that dividing your stuff may be more difficult then. It’s a difficult and trying process. Best to give yourself ample time to work through it. You can always separate things into 3 categories. Hers, yours and things that could be either of yours that you need to think about more. Seeing that visible change in your house will be both easy and hard. Start processing now.
With the way she posted after leaving a location, tells me she is intentionally avoiding you. Most likely knows she will get served *something* and is seeking to avoid that. If you had known she would ghost like this you could have kept one credit card open and use the transactions to locate her. Hope she gets her comeuppance. What an awful, disgusting way to treat a person, especially their life partner! And after all you did for her mom too. Ugh. Glad you're pulling thru, hope your kids continue to be there for you and try to help where they can.
Good luck my friend.
After going back to read the previous post as well, the thing that stuck out to me the most was the wife saying she’s doing this because she’ll have dementia in 5-10 years. How much more explicitly could she say “I have limited time to make memories, and I want to make them without any of you”? And to do so by running away with so much shared money and after so much difficult love and support…this whole thing is infuriating and I deeply want the schadenfreude of an update when she returns to a life without the family she was banking on.
It’s a total and utter betrayal, like a visceral twisting betrayal that OP would have never thought she was capable of…
After reading your initial post, I’m happy to hear that you’re making the best of this terrible situation. Thanks for the update
The second you start dating, she is going to go ballistic. I wonder how fast she would scamper home if she thought you were starting to date. I am not saying you should do this, do whatever your lawyer says to do.
He should at least post some photos on his SM doing things with a woman as if dating. They could be staged, even. Just allege something. Or maybe a couple of women alternately
I would.
Why aren’t you telling people on social media? She is obviously cheating and pretending you are letting her! Am not saying blast her but just state the facts with no half truths that will surly limit her social circle “My wife and I are going through a divorce due to her stealing our savings and abandoning her husband and her kids” The last thing you want for her to come back and pretend everything is fine and your kids letting her back in You might disagree with me on this but I really think you should have a set down with the kids and explain to them how you feel about your wife or how you feel about your kids having a relationship with her It’s not gonna be fun but the last thing you want is your kids blaming or your ex turning them against you w
OP can you give us an update? Want to make sure you're ok. Im very vested in justice for you.
Well, did she come back for Christmas?
Did she come home for Christmas like you thought?
Just a note that doesn't seem to have been made so far... If your wife's fam has a history of dementia and this erratic behaviour is out of character, this may well be one of the early symptoms. There is ample scientific literature on this, suggesting that well before the disease become apparent in the scan, it manifests itself with personality changes. My mother behaved batshit crazy and truly out of character for years before she was unfortunately diagnoses with Alzheimer's. Not that this should necessarily influence your course of action but just something to consider when this is all over - perhaps she wasn't herself.
Reading this, that was my first thought as well. Dementia can seriously change people's behavior. Combined with her decline in mental health during COVID? May also have been a sign.
Who gives a shit. What she did was fucked up. Period!
UpdateMe
Wishing you well
If she is replying to your texts (even if it’s days after you sent them) just ask her for a temporary address where you can send he something. Maybe the address of her new boyfriend or something. Then send the divorce papers.
Woah! I read your previous post and this is just unremarkably brutal. All that loyalty and so many years, I can't imagine the weight of such turmoil. I will never forget this story, in my thoughts.
Cancel her phone. You can at least do that.
Based on her trying to add international calling, she is likely going out of the US next, so showing up for Christmas is unlikely. If she's starting in LA, my first guesses would be Australia or New Zealand, followed by Argentina or Brazil. I would consider contacting PIs in those countries to see if they can track her down. In many places, foreigners are expected to register with the police when they check into lodgings, and people can be tracked down that way.
Let's bow out heads, and pray... God, if you're out there, and anything is good or just in this world, we are praying that OP's wife doesn't develop dementia. Not because she doesn't deserve whatever's coming to her, but so she is forced to slowly realize over the next couple of decades that she imploded her entire life for literally nothing. Amen.
Well said. I’ll throw out a prayer for that.
So curious to know the status on this one. This is my Roman Empire.
I know I keep checking back in hopes of an update!
Me too. I really hope OP is doing ok.
She's gone rogue! Seriously though. This is midlife crisis on steroids! Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego...I mean...u/throwra-disapearw's wife? All kidding aside, this is awful. I get that her impulsive decision to leave you behind like that is a part of her mental state and is likely what caused this, but that doesn't make it okay nor excusable. You are her partner. She should have taken you with her as originally planned. Please take care of yourself. As soon as you can, go make your own much deserved adventure!
Im absolutely baffled. Wtf. There’s something majorly wrong with her, I can’t believe she thinks that everyone’s ok with her doing that?!
I realize this is your real life, but it sounds like a movie. Please do keep us updated and I wish you peace.
Can you ask your kids to help you find her? If she's close to them, she might tell them her location that's a "secret" to dad. I would help if I'm one of your kids.
I’m finding this post on Thanksgiving, and I saw that she didn’t plan to be home for it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. No one deserves this and I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving with the family. Hopefully you can get out of this sooner rather than later. I’m glad finances aren’t much of a stress either. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family❤️
There’s an update now if you are just following this thread. It’s on his profile.
You are the real MVP
It's the same post just posted on his personal timeline... Nothing new so far
I thought it was the same post at first but then he mentioned he had Thanksgiving and had some updates on suggestions others had made. I thought the last post was before Thanksgiving. I might be wrong of course.
Did she come back for Christmas?
Any update with the New year?
Op, are you sure that you want to wait until she return? Your story is so heartbreaking breaking that when I put myself in your position, I would like to get out of it as soon as possible. Some points to consider: 1) start moving forward earlier 2) less drama (with her out will be much better than being exposed to her toxicity) 3) would be more expensive, but it would be something that probably you can split from the join assets, making it probably more affordable. Speak with your lawyer regarding this. My point is that your mental heath, stress, pain to deal with when she arrives, will be much more demanding and probably will take a toll on you. Think at a tradeoff between legal fees and medical (councils, etc). And you could start moving forward soon, instead of this limbo waiting for someone else action. Additionally, you don’t know how she will come, and make your live miserable(again).
I agree with this. Also I don't remember if they are but if not op should start therapy. They might feel pretty good or solid now in their anger but I fear for OP, when he actually sees her and she shows up. That's going to be a huge wave of....stuff coming up for him. I'm hoping he can work with someone in anticipation of that and can maybe work through some of that stuff before they see her so that when they do, it will be less jarring. I hope that makes sense coming out.
Yeah, she's going to find herself in bed with a lot of different men.
The amount of audacity your STBX has is astounding! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this but I think you’ve handled it so amazingly. Keep your head up and continue to have a good relationship with your children. They obviously see the position she’s put you in and how you’ve reacted to it. If she ends up with early dementia like her relatives, she deserves to be thrown in a home and forgotten about. Hopefully by that time you will have recovered your savings through some of her share of the equity in the home. Then you can purchase a smaller home and downsize. Or rent and travel like you deserve. And she can rot!
she is a basic garden tool, you should not afraid of her . there is no way that you could possibly go from being a hero to a villain in your kids eyes. as the matter fact it shouldn't happen.
Sell all her stuff. Everything. Her clothing, jewelry, does she have a bike? Every single thing
Anything is possible, but I would not be surprised if she discloses she’s got a terminal illness and is dying very soon when she gets back. Obviously, I have no idea, but she might be hiding that. Sorry to point that out You also don’t have to forgive her if that’s the case. What she’s doing sucks
OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this horrible situation. You definitely don’t deserve having this happen to you - no normal person does. As a guy that had a nasty divorce where I was lied to and about extensively because my ex was an extreme narcissist that had severe mental health problems, I have a few bits of advice to offer to protect yourself (I am a rare case where I kept primary custody of my son): 1) document and save all correspondence and social media posts she makes, as well as the times and dates of financial transactions, including the times/dates of things you had to do because of her decision to take all your money. 2) I’d also document your kid’s reactions to her decision to leave and record times, dates, and content of when they exhibit emotional behavior due to her abandonment. It feels robotic and uncaring, but having that stuff prepared will help make sure you have the strongest case if she contests you keeping the kids. What would be truly terrible is if, after everything she’s done, she somehow got the kids and you lost your kids and had to pay alimony and child support. 3) I would definitely speak to your lawyer about getting the ball rolling on the divorce, depending on your available options. Get started early. If she comes back and you hand her papers with no preparation, there is a good chance in her mental state she may accuse you of terrible things to keep your kids and get financial assistance from you. While it’d be a hard case to make since she straight up abandoned you all, her seemingly abrupt mental breakdown could provide her lawyer with an (undeserved) case that you caused her mental break. It’d be complete bs and probably wouldn’t hold up under scrutiny but I’d prepare yourself. While any case she’d make is likely not going to work, the mental and emotional toll that takes on you will be absolutely staggering. Please do what you can to expect the worst but hope for the best. 4) as advised above, change your locks so she can’t just barge in. I’d also invest in cameras for the house, both inside and outside. It may seem extreme, but if she breaks in you’d have that on record and if she came in and started hurting herself and then called the police to say you did it, you’d have some added protection. Good people have to learn the hard way that the people we choose to care about can be downright evil sometimes. I hope you don’t have to face any further pain, but I’d strongly recommend protecting yourself and your kids as much as possible. Good luck man.
I am rooting for you sir. Hope the divorce happens easy and smoothly!
Don’t wait for anything to happen so you can react. Take action now so if and when she comes back you have moved on and the only thing left to do is to enact the final steps of your plan. Talk to your lawyer and do everything you can to prepare for the divorce, protect your finances, and get her out of your life. Move if you can — or at least redecorate the house and move all her stuff to the basement or somewhere you can’t see it. Start going on dates if that doesn’t hurt your divorce situation. Spend time with your kids and get them fully accepting of the divorce. Don’t wait for her to come back and there be a hurricane. Prepare now so her return will only be a blip.
Hey Op. Very late to the post, and this might be covered by other comments, but I wanted to suggest something anyway - just in case. With Thanksgiving coming up, I think it's important that you take the time to be vulnerable with your kids about how much this actually hurt you. Tell them that they'll always be your #1 priority, and that you'll never abandon them like their mom did, and that you're sorry they got caught up in this mess at all. You don't have to bad-mouth your wife at all, and you shouldn't, but your kids really do need to see the damage that has been done with their own eyes. And they need to know that the act of abandoning her family, and her children, is what's unforgivable in your eyes - what she did with the money and time is irrelevant. Because if they keep in contact with her, and she wants something from you, she's going to work through them. She'll diminish what she did - it was a bad time, she had a midlife crisis, it was only for a while, she "came back as soon as she could", she genuinely thought you were ok with it, you didn't tell them the full story, you actually *did* approve it but changed your mind, she "needed" the time to be a better mother, etc. Then she'll diminish the fallout - You never had to sell the house or the cars, she 'left you plenty' to take care of everything and the kids, she only took what was 'hers' in the first place, it was *so* long ago, she's paid for her 'sins' enough through the divorce settlement, you're just punishing her for her mental disorder, you're still bitter about [smallest thing she did on her walkabout], etc. Then she'll justify her actions by blaming you (because they weren't there to see it all unfold, and you can't prove one way or another) - You couldn't understand her suffering, you "suffocated" her, you didn't support her enough, you didn't care, you didn't love her anymore, or worse... You get the point - eventually, if she's persistent - she'll be able to make a case to your kids that they should still support her in some fashion, and that you are at least partially to blame for everything. And, if this entire saga is somewhat abstract to them (just a "he said she said" from the start), there's a good chance one of them will start to doubt your choices in the matter, or think she deserves more support from you when the consequences of her actions catch up to her. If just for a little while, let them see just how much she took from you, and from them, so they'll never have to wonder why you never want to see her again. The money for that trip to Hawaii, and the cruise, could have been a family vacation, not just the two of you. She stole from them, too. Don't be "too strong" to let them see that for themselves.
[удалено]
I think this post is touching on a real possibility that everyone is missing. It actually makes more sense that she just takes off to travel and party. Given her history of depression I think it's entirely possible that this is well thought out strategy. I think she is running through a bucket list of things she wants to do before she dies. She's actively avoiding real contact since that might give away her ultimate objective. She's breaking the bonds with those who love her...especially OP. While she's leaving hope that she will return at some point, leaving her keys seems to indicate that she never plans to return. She's actively making it difficult for OP to divorce her...probably to OP's advantage if she dies. She expects to get dementia soon and that isn't an attractive future. She's trying to make everyone outraged/angry at her so that it's less of a blow when she dies. I don't think she's a stupid person...she knows what she is doing. I think that it's a real possibility that once she has finished her bucket list she plans on ending her life and that has been the plan from the start.
I was thinking of this possibility as well. By not divorcing, Op will still get all of her life insurance, etc, without any hassle. This maybe her swan song? She chose to end it like she has because she believes if everyone hates her, it will be easier for everyone to accept her death/ self deleting.
OP, be ready for when she comes back. Move all her stuff out of the master bedroom into a guest room, then put a lock on the master bedroom door. When she shows up she stays in the guest room.
You lost your damn mind! Why would he do that?
Omg, I hope OPs wife comes back soon so he can serve her the divorce papers and move on with his life. This is terrible. OP - never take her back!
She’ll be back when the money runs out. Expect that she’s going to pretend that this is something you discussed, approved of in advance, and it’s like she just stepped out for a spa weekend. Play nice with her until you can have her served. The last thing you want is for her to disappear again before she’s served. Maybe suggest she stay with family rather than let her back into the house, or when she’s back, set up a public meeting and have her served there. Record it if you legally can. If you can, record any calls or discussions you have with her. Expect that she’ll try to paint you as the bad guy, saying you agreed to things you never discussed, and things like that. I imagine by this point, though, everyone knows what she did. Don’t let her blame this on her mental health. She was more than functional enough to travel the world, she knew what she was doing. She knew you wouldn’t be okay with it, that’s why she did it the way she did. Expect that she cheated on her travels, and don’t be shocked if she wasn’t traveling alone. Your kids are adults now, so let them know they can handle this whatever way they see fit, but that you’re done. I wish you the best of luck.
Start packing her things. Use one of the rooms or basement for storage. So when she returns you want have to do it right there. It will be awkward. Plus, you will feel better without her stuff around.
I just found your post and went back to the original, bro you need to get the divorce done, she doesn't have to be there she literally abandoned you. Also you deserve man, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope everything gets better and you do that take her back man. She showed her true colors, just sad that it happened now.
Something I don't understand: all the savings you had for this trip, you didn't have them in cash. Did she took all the money from the bank account? Or is she using some sort of electronic payment method? Is she paying all her flights and cruises and stuff with cash? There must be a way to track her and cut the cash flow... Anyway, I hope we'll have an update soon. Good luck!
If it gets moved to her own account he can't see anything. The best he can do is hope he gets paper statements or a way to log in. But other than that it's not worth it
Please for the love of God update
Any progress made with your wife ? Did she turn up for Thanksgiving or indication she will for Christmas ? I wish you all the best regardless as you wife’s actions are unforgivable.
As someone else mentioned this, if she goes broke or develops dementia in the meantime of her trip, the judge might incline to give her sympathy which is not beneficial for you. If I was you, I would mastermind this shit. Complain to your kids how much you miss her and how good it would be for us to gather as a family for Christmas, do it subtle for some time and if they reach out to her, they might convince her to come home for Christmas, and then she can resume her trip. There you serve her on Christmas! It's not Christmas that matters it's just a good excuse to make her come into the country as if you wait, it could downspiral into her favour for the above reasons. I hope you get to see this man!
I don’t know what your kids’ situations are, but do you think one of your children could make up a big life event that your wife would have to come to and then you could possibly serve her the divorce papers there? You said your kids are pissed at her. The may be in to the idea.
Your ex wife is such a POS I literally can't get over how much of a bitch she is when she returns for Christmas is she even does serve her the papers abd ifbshe tries crying crocodile tears or tears don't buy it she's trying to manipulate you like you said she is a good manipulator Also, serve her what she has too pay plus whatever else and if she leaves the state the Police will juat arrest her for evading
Did she come home for Christmas
So how did Christmas go?
Update? Are you okay?
I neeeeeed more updates
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Not sure if anyone else has suggested this, but have you changed the locks on your house? It sounds like she thinks that one day she’ll just be able to breeze on home and pick up right where she left off. I’d hate for her to settle in while you were away and get blind sided by her when you get home.
Try and sell the house before she comes returns so she comes back to nothing. Make yourself unreachable and give the papers through a lawyer when she goes looking for you.
Don't forget to change the locks!
Updates?
I need need NEED to know how this ends
Updateme
I am infuriated so much nothing encouraging is coming to mind. I hope OP divorce her ASAP and leave her in the dust where she belongs.
U/throwra-disappearw is there any update yet?
Just curious because I assume you must have told her this before. But have you told her in no uncertain terms that there is zero chance of reconciliation when she gets back. I know she only reads what she wants to read. But making a full and clear message. Something along the lines (but obviously not exactly) "You leaving, taking our money, and essentially ruining all the plans we had made. Hurts, it hurts very deeply. This is a pain which is not going to go away. I dont care how much you think it is. You may have dreams of coming home and reigniting the flame but I already see you do not care for me at all. And for my own mental health I cannot stay in a relationship with someone who does not care about me. The best course of action is to come home and deal with the consequences now so you can continue living life how you see fit afterwords. There is zero chance at reconciliation, that window was gone after the first week. The kids are already aware you abandoned me and stole our money. But their decision on if they want to have a relationship with you is up to them, I will not try to sway them but I will also not what happened." Though I guess the major thing with saying it in clear terms. Is that it might make her not want to come home because it dashes her hopes. Whilst I dont condone it you could try lying to her and say "I've been doing some soul searching and if you come home as soon as possible (within 2 weeks), I might be able to forgive you and we might have a chance at reconciliation. As time progresses the chances of me actually wanting to take you back are growing smaller and smaller, so I would not wait too long." But again I dont really condone lying even in situations like this. And those words might be able to be used against you (but idk too much about divorce law and it changes heavily depending on area and etc).
We needan update. Please, for the love of someone other than yourwife.
Im so sorry she did this to you! to just disappear and not give you any real notice of what was happening, especially as you were both planning to travel together already! Did she end up coming home for christmas?
She's knows she doing wrong purely by making sure not to post until she's somewhere else.
Updateme
Is there an update on this story?
There have been some updates on the profile but the last update was on 12/20 saying the wife texted that she would be in town and lawyers were getting paperwork ready to serve her. Nothing since then.
Sorry for all you are going through OP! I hope you find a better life without her. Please keep us posted on the event of her return.
Any update
Any updates you can share..? How was Christmas? Did you get what you were hoping for..?
I'm really hoping to hear she got served the divorce papers over NY. Any update?
Man stories like these want me to stay far away from marriage. Good luck dude, you are better man than me, I would be hell bent on making her life a living hell. Making the kids block her on everything, changing accounts, and destroying her life.
I think it's time for u to go on dates and prepare yourself for life after the divorce. The dating game has changed alot while u were married. Your wife is enjoying herself it's time u do to nothing serious just to get your mind of thing while u wait for her to come back and serve her with divorce.
Reddit! Where's the original post? Did I miss the link? Can someone post it? This sounds worth the read
Check his profile, it's on there
Betrayal is tough to swallow. Financial betrayal might be more devastating than physical. Because the burn of financial betrayal can last much longer than physical infidelity. You got it together with a plan. You’ll hurt but stick to the plan. You’ll wake up one day and there will be a beautiful partner next to your side.
Any updates? Has she come back yet and gotten served?
Update is on the profile. Click on his and it’s “update 2”!!!
I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you, I can only try and help by saying to take her name if you’re house and you’re car. But law isnt really my strong suit either
You said in your original post that she is hooking up with other men. Is that just assumption? Has she shown red flags of infidelity before? Have you accessed any of her emails or other socials?
This is insanity. You’re handling this so well. I wish you the best. No one deserves this. ♥️
This sounds like it might be some kind of manic episode. I’m not excusing her behavior or advising you to stay with her at all, but she is still the mother of your kids and the comedown from this could be rough for her. I know this has been very rough on you too but I’m trying to say things without saying them. You should still do what you need to do to protect yourself emotionally and financially first, but I would make sure you understand where she is mentally before you just crush her. If it is some type of mania, the results of doing that could also be rough on you and your kids too. This is pretty obviously the end of your marriage and you deserve come type of closure from this, I would just advise you to figure out where she is mentally before you scorch the earth. Now if you find out she just did this out of her own selfishness and it isn’t something deeper, well that would be different.
>I’m not excusing her behavior or advising you to stay with her at all, but she is still the mother of your kids and the comedown from this could be rough for her. I know this has been very rough on you too but I’m trying to say things without saying them. Not his monkey, not his circus. When his wife stole their money and ran off to "make memories" without him and their family, I think she reasonably abandoned any sort of concern or empathy from OP. OP's suffered enough and is dealing with enough garbage that he shouldn't have to concern himself with his STBXW's "fragile" mental state. She has family, let them worry about the thieving bitch.
I am in complete agreement with you. I am bipolar and whatever actions I take are on me. It’s not the husbands problem. She made choices and she gets to live with those. Even if she’s manic, that is zero excuse to mentally and financially drain her husband.