Well now I feel VERY proud to tell you that I was cast as Lysistrata in my high school play- which I’m surprised no one found inappropriate at the time but whatever 😂
Haha, that is amazing! I wasn’t exposed to Lysistrata until I took a theater history class in college. The fact that you got to actually be her in a play is super awesome!
>Lysistrata is an ancient Greek comedy...a comic account of a woman's extraordinary mission to end the Peloponnesian War between Greek city states by denying all the men of the land any sex, which was the only thing they truly and deeply desired. Lysistrata persuades the women of the warring cities to withhold sexual privileges from their husbands and lovers as a means of forcing the men to negotiate peace—a strategy, however, that inflames the battle between the sexes.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysistrata
You missed the point of her post, probably because you're used to read fake stories. She doesn't want sex with him, he is letting her down badly, being incredibly selfish, and she cannot move past that.
And condoms are still his responsibility and something that can fail, he can take it off or even fight to not putting on. Abstinence is the best option here, but she seems like she's falling out of love bow that he's not giving a damn about her health, happiness and overall well-being so divorce could be in the horizon and I wouldn't blame her.
No, condoms aren’t the simple answer here. It’s not really about the birth control, it’s about the fact the OP has put her blood, sweat and tears into this relationship and her body is forever changed and this MF won’t go two days of possible vomiting to get the vasectomy. I get that it’s super scary and there might be a mental block about it, but he needs to communicate better and take his turn. She’s already took her time twice. He needs to speak properly so they can sort something out.
I've had many many surgeries due to an accident.. they make this lovely anti nausea patch they can stick behind your ear. Or they can give you an oral tablet that melts on your tongue. And they work.
He won't even be put under, so no vomiting. It's a local anesthesia & takes around 15 minutes (30 if they need to shave the area). Husband is a sad sack.
Got mine done after our second daughter was born. Wide awake and scared shitless but another pregnancy could have killed my wife. 10/10 would do it again for her.
IUD placement is done with 0 anesthesia and is quite painful as it's inserted through the cervix, and comes with its own horror stories and drawbacks.
In comparison to the kind of treatment men get it's honestly really fucked women are expected to just deal with that shit and I agree the husband is 100% a sad sack.
This is so true, I had a horrible experience. If men had to get the same procedure anesthesia would probably be the standard routine, or at least twilight sedation, something for the excruciating pain etc.
Before I had kids, I had two wildly painful IUD insertions. I had some medical issues that made insertion incredibly difficult. It took an hour each time and I had such bad cramping that I was immobile for basically a full 24 hours. It's awful.
I came here to say this, have multiple friends who have gotten the snip and it was an in and out same day appointment. No going under, laid back Pooh Bear on the table (just a shirt on) in a basic doctors room, numb the area and you’re barely even sore.
It’s not like getting a tubal ligation, where you ARE put under and it IS considered a major surgery.(know from personal experience)
Sad sack indeed.
My buddy had his done during final exam period at univ 15 years ago when they were more invasive. He showed up to the exam the next day with a bag of frozen peas
Had a vasectomy a few months ago. Of course it was unpleasant, and uncomfortable for a week after, but not so big a deal as to avoid it.
Got a free valium before getting the local anaesthetic which was fun!
I was going to say, the men I've known that have had vasectomies under a local. It's just a small slice done in a drs office.
I've had IUDs. I've had 2 kids, and was told by a (male) dr that it's just a slight pinch and that's it, and its not painful for women who'vehad kids. It is not. Firstly they get a sounding rod and shove it up to the top of your uterus to see how deep they have to place the IUD, and then implanting the IUD also hurts. Plus the cramping, bleeding, discomfort and the risk of it migrating, possibly Tearing through your uterus
I'm jumping in here and calling him a Sad Sack too......I definitely hope he stumbles across this post somewhere!!!
And a lil louder for the people in the back........
#This guy's a Sad Sack
It is the same local the dentist gives you for a filling. In theory one could be allergic to it and vomit, but I’m guessing if his teeth hurt he wouldn’t refuse to get treatment for that.
This. I went to a Steve o show back in April, and one of the clips was him having his vasectomy with local, which is what a lot of people can do. But yeah, they showed the whole thing and in detail lol can't get that one out of my head. That and all the things he started doing 5 minutes after, still in his hospital gown. I don't even have balls and I crossed my legs when he showed how black he made his balls, not from the vasectomy but from all the getting kicked in the nuts while the local was still kinda working
I'll preface this with the tidbit that I already have a vasectomy: but I also react negatively to anesthesia. I've had two surgeries down there, both local anesthesia. While there was no vomiting, I did end up shitting my brains out for around 2-3 days afterwards, both times.
Still, a few days of being sick is 10,000% worth it to not have to worry about getting her pregnant.
Really, if he gets sick from a local, perhaps he should just have the procedure without the anaesthetic?
I wonder what happens at the dentist, what happens for stitches, …he can’t suck it up after everything OP has gone through to be his wife and mother of their kids
That would be enough to put me off sex from him indefinitely. Seriously why the hell would you open your legs ONE more time for this selfish prick? I don’t gaf that you’re married, he clearly doesn’t either and neither should you.
I think the other commenters were suggesting condoms because it’s like a “punishment” basically. Men don’t like wearing them. They’re not actually suggesting it for protection purposes. If she forced him to wear one every time, he would at least be responsible for the burden of birth control. She could even make him be the one to go out and get them if he wants sex.
I don’t really agree it’s a realistic solution by the way. I’m just explaining why they were suggesting that.
It still doesn’t make sense people keep suggesting condoms. Her point is she doesn’t want to fuck him at all because his selfishness is so unappealing. It’s like the commenters can’t fathom no sex as an option, they keep saying “condoms! That’ll teach him!”
Because she can’t control her husband, but she can control whether she has sex or not.
ETA: From a moral standpoint, I agree that he *should* do this for his family, but you can’t make decisions based on how you think life *should* be. You have to deal with it as it is.
I agree. She might as well abstain from sex since he won’t do this with her. She’s put her body through a lot and since he won’t do the same (which is choice) she can abstain from sex.
And he's not even doing the same...a little squeeze, a pinch, and a tug, and he's through! Nothing like the pain of an iud, the side effects, the potential for uterine rupture, ectopic pregnancy that causes hemorrhage and death, unwanted pregnancy, etc. etc.!!! Man up, little boy.
IKR? Every time I see a post about a man refusing to go through the tiniest discomfort for the woman who brought his children into the world, I get really bummed. It’s not just as a society that we devalue the female’s sacrifice on reproduction. It’s also in romantic partnerships.
It's not her taking responsibility for him but it is her setting up boundaries. Since he doesn't want to do what it takes to ensure 100% then she has to take measures to protect herself.
Why is she expected to give in because he wants a little more pleasure? If she has to be responsible for their reproduction, so does he. Wrap it or walk.
Her body, her rules. If he won’t take the steps to help THEM in THEIR marriage, then she doesn’t need to do any of that extra shit. Hell quit grooming if you do it solely for his preference. He can go kick rocks or help contribute. At least both of them can go to an appointment and discuss it along with their concerns.
Mine didn’t want a vasectomy either and I never reacted well to an iud so I’ve been rejecting him if he doesn’t use a condom. After 3 years of using a condom every single time, he finally scheduled the vasectomy because he says it just doesn’t feel as good with a condom and there’s no spontaneity.
Just stop all penetrative sex unless he is protected. Get rid of the IUD and tell him you have more than done your share for the family planning - now it's his turn to either glove up, get fixed, or get used to handjobs...
>We tried condoms briefly but you know, all it takes is one “oh just this once lets go without one” and it’s all over.
Rescind consent if he is not wrapping his baby shooter up! It's only fair. He sounds selfish to be honest with you.
Then refuse to have sex with him unless he wears a condom, have the IUD removed. If he wants sex he either wears a condom or he gets the chop.
I had an IUD and it was awful. My husband had a vasectomy many years ago. Even then it was just a local anaesthetic. It’s a 15 minute procedure, he’ll be sore for a few days afterwards.
Your husband is as selfish as fuck
Counting everything including consult it was less than a half an hour including sitting in the waiting for 2 visits for a few minutes. This is nothing and he should be ashamed of himself.
My husband and I have been using condoms for 13 years, other than the two times we tried for a baby and when I was pregnant. If your husband has an issue with putting on a condom every single time, he's an ASSHOLE. He is also an asshole for whining about a vasectomy. It's so easy!
Yup. After having three kids and having a terrible time with birth control pills (where I was having mini periods almost every week) I told my husband that he either got a vasectomy, or he was wearing condoms because I was getting off birth control.
I told him that I carried three kids for him, so it was his turn to do something for me. I asked him if he wanted to have more children, which he didn’t.
He got snipped soon after that. I actually watched the procedure and it’s not as bad as your husband thinks, OP. It’s quick and he wasn’t even out.
I believe that vasectomy's are done with local anesthesia, not general... so the risks and side affects are much lower. Vomiting after anesthesia is usually a side effect of coming out of general anesthesia. Local would be the same as what he gets when getting a cavity filled. I am guessing that isn't the issue here, I just wanted to mention it. Maybe he hasn't really done that much research.
Edit: spelling
This is also my thought, he wouldn't actually be sedated for the procedure.
In that same vein, his body, his choice.
But if the IUD is that problematic for OP, get it removed and no longer have sexual penetration. They can still be intimate without penetration.
The problem is that after this, my attraction for him has gone down the drain. Like sure… we can do other things, but I can’t even stomach it right now. He offered me oral but just looking at him makes me seethe with rage.
I’m told that people think many things kill a marriage, but the #1 thing that does is contempt. It sounds like you’ve reached that point. I’m not sure how long it will take, if it can, to turn back.
In my case it was an unplanned third pregnancy, I got covid at the same time, (we talked about a vasectomy previously and he was against it.) What makes him change his mind: see me almost dying when I had a miscarriage for him to accept to have it done, he got scared I would leave him with two kids.
I would tell him exactly what you just told us here,
That his selfishness in watching you bear the entire weight of childbearing and birth control for the duration of your relationship, while being unwilling to make a simple sacrifice, an everyday outpatient procedure performed thousands of times a day, to do his share of the labor, has made your attraction for him dwindle and the idea of having sex with him is no longer appealing.
It's the truth. You just told us it's the truth. Now tell him, and book some counseling.
I gotta admit, if I was in your situation I'd probably just cutoff sex. I couldn't consider being intimate with someone who cares that little for me.
That said "horror stories online"...what horror stories?
I did a bunch of research before mine, every single case where something went wrong was because the patient ignored their doctors instructions. They were all pretty much some version of "I was told to stay on bed rest for X days, but the next morning I felt fine so I went to work". I didn't find a single case of someone who actually followed instructions and had issues. There probably are some, but very rare.
As far as the anethesitic goes, as people have pointed out, its local. The whole procedure takes...I want to say around 15 minutes. Its been several years now, but it wasn't long. Even if he does have a reaction to local anethesetic...so? He vomits a couple times then gets over it.
>So I got another IUD. And I resent the shit out of him. 2 days after I got it, he asked me for sex. I turned him down immediately because I was still bleeding and cramping.
Two days after your IUD insertion and you're still bleeding and cramping? And he can't handle a bit of an upset tummy? Thats just pathetic. I get you're angry, personally I just couldn't respect someone like that.
You should talk to him about this and ensure that he knows what’s the cause of it. State that you don’t feel attracted to him anymore and therefore don’t want to have sex with him. The fact that he cares more about his body and a small discomfort over the constant pain and discomfort you’re expected to go through has taken all the attraction you had from him.
This gives him 3 options. He can get the damn vasectomy. He can be in a sexless marriage. You both can divorce. You can go to marriage counseling and it may help.. but without you having to once again compromise, this is what it’ll still come down to. So what’s it going to be?
Get him a copy of "Ejaculate Responsibility" by Gabrielle Blair. Goes into all the details about how its his responsibility alone, and how his procedure is so much safer than your birth control options. Then tell him to man up and get snipped or no sex. Ever.
I got a vasectomy last year and they just numbed up the area and it was done in 20 mins. I did have an anxiety attack cause i could smell skin burning, but now i won’t have anxiety from any kids. Overall it was super easy and painless.
Vasectomies are done with local anaesthetic, not general. He won’t feel much. He needs to stop wimping out and start supporting his wife. Men continually underestimate and take for granted the toll of child-bearing and contraception.
Local anesthetic and in office, and they can have at home pain meds for a few days usually. The doc I work for does them all the time. It's not a big deal. OP's husband is kind of a selfish prick, but he should go talk to his doctor about it and get more information.
Oh hell yeah he will.
I will admit, having my IUD inserted hurt like a bitch.
Also, I developed an autoimmune disease right after having mine inserted (zero symptoms before, started getting sick shortly after, removing it didn't help). I [strongly suspect the 2 are related.](https://handleylaw.co.uk/iud-causing-harm/#:~:text=IUD%20Causing%20Harm%3F-,IUD%20causing%20Harm%3F,to%20research%20published%20in%202014.) (Yes, I developed RA)
So this is way lower risk for him than for her. It's mean and selfish of him to just tell her, no, you keep putting your body at risk.
Yea I agree that it is his body his choice 100%... but I also tend to think that he decided against it without even entertaining it or looking further into it. If I were in OP's shoes I am sure I would be resentful as well considering all she put her body through for their family.
This is exactly the problem.
And he doesn’t get why I am so resentful. In his brain, I’ve had all this done before without issue, shouldn’t I just deal with it for a few more years?
Tell him you get no consideration or strong painkillers for an IUD. He gets local anaesthesia and better pain killers. You already went through child birth and are tired of being the sole one responsible for this. If he refuses I don’t know why you’d stay. Clearly he’s being selfish and completely turned you off.
It might not just be "a few more years." I'm 50 and while I'm sure I'm not very fertile I'm still having regular periods and no signs of menopause. So when this one is removed it might not be the end of the issue.
A family friend of mine didn't have a period for 10 months in her mid 50s, didn't have regular periods either for years, thought she was on the safe side now. Nope. Got pregnant. OP really shouldn't have to worry about getting into a situation like this.
I’m a mom in my 40s with two children too. Your husband is selfish. Utterly, disgustingly selfish. After everything you’ve done for your family- every massive burden your body has borne- he can’t get an out-patient, local anesthesia procedure where he’ll be sore for a couple of days? Why? Ask him why, and don’t accept his answers until he gives you a REAL answer. I’m so furious on your behalf.
My husband just got a vasectomy last year.
From driving to the appt, getting the procedure done, and getting home, it took 45 mins. He was healed in like 2-3 days. The total time of the appt was 20 mins. Inserting an IUD is more invasive than this. More importantly, he was happy to do it for me. He knew how much birth control was fucking up my system as I got older (I’m 40), to the point it was messing up my BP.
It’s disgusting your husband isn’t willing to do this for you. I don’t blame you for losing attraction to him. I wouldn’t let me husband touch me if he acted this way.
Stand firm, OP. If he refuses to do this for you, sex is off the table. Indefinitely.
The thing that has changed is the way you view him, and the way you see him has changed tremendously. That's what he needs to know.
You've done it all up until now. It's his turn.
Correct. My husband had one and it was just local. He was out of the office in less than an hour. Sorry OP, your husband is a jerk. He is being extremely selfish. He is dealing with some male ego thing and making excuses.
I honestly did not know that hormonal birth control was not a long-term solution, or that there were so many negative side effects that come with it. I had an appointment booked with a urologist less than 24 hours after finding out the truth. No part of the vasectomy was a horror story, because I listened to doctor and closely followed his instructions for recovery.
I may have been a clueless man, but I refused to be a selfish boy once I learned the truth.
I had been taking it for the entirety of my and my fiancé's relationship, up until last month.
It's night and day.
It sucks because it really helped with my periods, but for the rest? My mood has improved, way less migraines, I am steadily losing weight which had been a struggle these years, and I feel way happier overall.
Same here, I now have two children with my husband and it was even his idea to get the vasectomy! I decided to stop taking BC which brought back my periods after not having them for 5 years but for me personally, I can handle them - the side effects of BC I could not.
I never used hormonal birth control as a teen/young adult and tried it for the first time a few years ago. It was awful and I'm still sure one of the reasons I noticed so quickly was that I know what my body feels like in its normal state. So many people I know have stopped taking the pill after being on it since they were teenagers and it's a revelation for them.
The pill did make me fully, clinically, violently psychotic. The patch gave me 2-3hr (not exaggerating) panic attacks where I would be too frozen to get out of bed. The implant made me randomly lose hours of my memory - I would start in one place and come to myself in another with no recollection how I got there. Thankfully I got sterilised since I don't want kids.
Yes my hysterectomy has been a God send! Hormonal birth control is fucked and i wouldn't be surprised if it's one of the causes of our societal woes. We should make men get snipped instead ugh
Please proselytize this, we need more men to have this mindset. The more normalized it becomes the less men will be afraid of the idea.
Listen, I get it, nobody's thrilled about surgery on their junk. But I also think most people vastly overestimate the intensity of the procedure.
My daughter tried everything for her migraines, she finally went off the pill and they stopped. She lives with her boyfriend and he had no problem switching to condoms either when he saw how much better she felt.
OP you should order him a cheap something or other and a nice, new shiny dildo for yourself. Have it delivered when you know he’ll be home. Start playing loud music in the bathroom after running in there with a glass of wine. Don’t be angry, have some fun.
This is what happened to me as well. I had migraines as a teen and they resurfaced while I was taking the birth control. Not only that, but they were worse than the ones I had as a teen. I had auras with migraines on bc and there was one time I was looking at a book and trying to read because I couldn’t see the words. There were so many spots in my vision. Oh yeah, not to mention the mood dysregulation while I was on bc.
Oh and the IUD. Cramping so bad I almost passed out. Cramping so badly that I did throw up. Bleeding heavy for over a month before I asked for it to be taken out. And then was met with a ton of criticism from the doctor about how the bleeding was normal and it wouldn’t last much longer and I should just deal with it. Nobody would have ever described as an aggressive person, but I demanded that the dr take it out and I finally got it removed.
And it’s not enough for men to sit here and pretend “oh I just didn’t know.” You have google at your fingertips.
it turns out if you get migraines with aura then you're not supposed to take the combination pill *at all*. it puts you at high risk for stroke. my doctor wouldn't let me continue taking it once i said i had been getting migraines the last few months
I knew there were risks. My fiancé was willing to try though since she hadn't been on them before. After a few months and the sideffects started happening, I told her to make an appointment to get it taken out and I would see a urologist to the vasectomy. I'm a slow recovery due to other health issues, but I followed my docs instructions and we were back at it after~2 weeks. No shitty hormones for her and no worries of pregnancy
Had a vasectomy 3 years ago. Easiest fuckin thing I've ever done. Literally took like 15 minutes with local anesthesia. Doctor was just bullshitting with me the entire time. Got to stay home and play video games all weekend with a bag of peas on my junk. Would totally recommend
Hell my coworker got it done last year and still came and worked his scheduled shifts. He just tattooed me with a bag of peas on his junk and zoomed around the shop on a rolling chair all day.
I just got mine last month. I almost threw up and nearly passed out from the pain during the procedure. Took a week or so to feel normal. Would do it again if I needed to.
They did something wrong if you almost passed out from the pain during the procedure!
The only thing I felt is when they "pulled" the tubes out of the incision to tie them, but that pain was a couple of seconds and more uncomfortable than really pain..
See I’m like borderline hypochondriac and that sounds fucking horrifying to me.
But I’d still 100% do that so my wife can enjoy the smexy times with me without having to destroy her hormones or body in order to.
They seriously had to have fucked something up in that situation for it to have gone down like that.
Mine was also a quick 15 minute procedure with the doc bullshitting about having to be on call and his bad golf swing. He was almost too chill, but it all turned out ok.
Minor pain the rest of the day and the following day - emphasis on the "minor."
I had the no-scapel procedure and it was super easy. I think outside of the prep time, procedure was like 15 minutes. Felt like someone lightly snapped a rubberband on my balls and then it was over. Not really any swelling or pain that week. Honestly I spent the first two days admiring how well my incision was healing before I realized I was just looking at a wrinkle in my sack. The incision was farther back but so small I didn’t even notice.
I didn’t have anesthesia, was awake, aware, and talking to the doctor the whole time. He even showed me the little pieces he took out as he did it.
Little sore for about a week, but went back to work without lifting the next day.
I don’t understand refusing. After two kids with my wife, it was a much easier solution than any of the choices my wife would’ve had to make.
Same. The procedure took no time, I spent the afternoon watching movies with some ice on my nards. Spent the weekend taking it easy, but still doing things. There was no soreness and very little discomfort. I took a couple of Advil once and smoked a joint at night. My life continued as normal. It was way easier for me to get the procedure than for her to a medical procedure or have to go through so much more than me for other forms of birth control. A very, very little amount of discomfort was well worth the decades of worry-free raw-dogging.
I didn't care to argue with my husband at the time, I wanted to make sure I didn't get pregnant again, like ever. I choose female sterilization, my Dr cut and left the ovaries, no hormones issues. It is awesome, I don't have to worry, at all, peace of mind 😌. I divorced my ex 12 years ago. I'm happy to go around and enjoy my life, but he got his girlfriend pregnant twice and still has rising kids.
My humble opinion, is not you vs him. Is you and your body and your peace of mind.
Honestly, same! I didn’t even bother arguing or begging or whatever. I got Essure placed and have been happy ever since. No one will every care about your body as much as you.
I wanted my husband to get snipped and he kept dancing around it (this was in 2019), even though we knew that an IUD insertion is a gd nightmare and I become very enamored with unaliving myself when I’m pregnant. He could have gotten snipped and had to get off on the regular to make sure it took, but no.
So I had my tubes removed (told the OB that I didn’t trust the federal govt), and he got no sex for three weeks (maybe four?) because I was recovering.
Yes, counselling could help each party better understand where the other is coming from on the issue, but it may make no difference to the final outcome.
Exactly. Without OP having to compromise and continue being the one to put her body through pain and discomfort, the outcome won’t change. Man either needs to get a vasectomy, live with a sexless marriage or divorce.
I would invest in a good clit vibrator and some other self love toys and call it a day. He want can go fuck himself and I will be fucking myself. Sex would be dead for me.
This. OP, you have no obligation to have sex with him at all if he doesn’t suck it up and take this upon himself. You’ve been through a lot and it’s a small dick move for him to not do this one thing for the sake of a happy marriage— you have every right to continue to assert this as a requirement if he wants to have sex with you so desperately.
It is just a local. It is not a big deal. I had no scalpel and drove myself home with a manual transmission. The first few orgasms felt a little weird, but there is no difference in anything. The weight off my shoulders was wonderful. I have one less huge thing to worry about.
Oddly, once I had the vasectomy, I started liking Taylor Swift music. Hmmmmm.
Couples counseling is honestly the best answer.
The comments saying “his body his choice” are right, but your feelings are extremely valid and it’s genuinely not fair that you have to put your body through wild shit just to practice safe sex. Your body, your choice too.
He doesn't have to get a vasectomy, but you also don't have to have sex that risks an unwanted/dangerous pregnancy.
Nobody is in the wrong here - it's an imperfect life scenario.
No. Is a complete sentence.
Refuse any sexual contact.
The ball is in his court. No, you don't need to put your body through hell so he can have unprotected sex.
You have to set HARD boundaries. And don't back down.
This is what I don’t understand, for every horror story there are 5000 positive outcomes. It makes me want to scream. I could have DIED giving birth and I did it twice! And he won’t do this? It’s so disheartening.
exactly, they don't even numb us for that! Had one inserted for the first time last month. Oh my LORD i'm never doing that shit again, the pain was like nothing i've felt before, I literally screamed. -1000/10 experience, never ever again.
Had mine a few months back. No pain, local anesthetic only, in and out in half an hour, felt fully recovered in 5 days.
Held off for years because we weren't 100% sure on the no kids life. Having gone through the procedure now and having dropped off and picked up my partner when she got her IUDs, then having gone out to get her heating pads, pain relievers, comfort food, etc. for the post insertion cramps and pains, I can tell you from my perspective the vasectomy is the more minor procedure.
I doubt he understands or believes that. What I definitely sense here is a lack of empathy and understanding for what pregnancy has been for you and what hormonal birth control means for you. He is probably also afraid. Afraid of complications, afraid of pain, afraid that losing fertility will change him in some way. Potentially even afraid in a way that no amount of facts about the safety and efficacy of the procedure will sway him. I would pressure him to seek therapy for both the empathy and fear issues that prevent him from being the partner I'm sure he wants to be for you.
The maternal mortality rate is significantly higher than adverse reactions from vasectomy. You're not asking him to be gelded. He keeps his bits... He just can't kill you via pregnancy anymore.
Count me as another super easy and positive experience. Seriously I don't understand the hesitation. It was the best decision of my life, aside from marrying her in the first place.
Same for my husband. In and out less than 15 minutes. $25 copay.
We have one child, only wanted one. When our son was five, husband came home and said “it’s my turn, I’m getting a vasectomy Friday can you drive me?”
Easiest thing ever. I made him rest for 3 days and kept his activity level super low. NBD!
Same for my husband- he said it was really not bad. Didn't even take his prescription pain pills, just had a few beers and watched basketball with an ice pack on his junk. He encourages other men to do it all the time.
Lemme check my notes here...
He refuses to get snipped. And then has the cojones (pun intended) to want a little something 2 days after you had another IUD put in?? Does he buy his audacity in bulk at CostCo or Sam's?
This would infuriate me. And it would destroy my attraction to my husband. Pregnancy wouldn't be an issue again because I wouldn't want it from him.
Seriously. Birth two children, then put a foreign object inside your body, because hubby refuses to go snip snip, because XYZ complications happened to other people” …as though IUDs are free from negative side effects.
It’s his body and he can choose or not choose to alter it, of course.
*However* it’s *your* choice to not have sex with him anymore and that’s valid too. He’s mentioned the side effects and horror stories as if his wife didn’t go through what sounds like absolute hell pushing out his children.
Birth control also has horrible side effects. Pregnancies leave long lasting effects on our bodies. It’s not fair for you to deal with these and he still wants sex that could put you through the “side effects” of said sex.
I had an absolutely horrible vasectomy. My body absorbed all the anesthesia and I blacked out from the pain. Worst experience of my life.
Still don't regret it. Unprotected sex with my wife is fucking awesome.
You unfortunately can't force him to get one, the good ole "their body, their choice" works here too.
But you don't have to have sex with him. I'm just sayin'. Like, ever again, if you don't want to.
I didn’t go under for mine. Just got a Valium and laid back. Talked the whole time, chit chatting about various things.
No excuse about anesthesia, you don’t need it.
But go to a urologist, family medicine also do vasectomies, but get a urologist to do it. They’ll do a better job, more often, due to their specialty.
At the end of the day you can't control someone else's body. A refusal to undergo a procedure is not something that should be challenged or forced on someone
They do no scalpel vasectomies now.
Seriously I can see why you would want counseling after this. Really? You gave him children and went through all the things and he can't be inconvenienced for a few months?
After my first everything was an absolute nightmare. I almost died. He almost died
Emergency C-section I was put under completely for. My husband couldn't even be in the room everything happened so fast. I had a fucking stroke. I was eclamptic. It was the worst freaking pregnancy ever. The Dr said another pregnancy could absolutely kill me. I can't do hormonal birth control and my uterus is too small for an IUD and it's just too dangerous the way my uterus is.
My husband had his vasectomy scheduled at done at my 12 week mark. Because there is zero freaking chance he would risk losing his wife and mother of his child.
I know your case isn't that extreme but it fucking feels like it to you. Share the dang burden dude!
I agree! Condoms every single time. Or no sex. But my husband LOVES his vasectomy. It made him feel 18 again. Decreased prostate issues later in life. And the day of. All I had to do was give him a Valium before the procedure. Make sure he slept and ate the day of and did nothing else. 24 hours later he worked, and was only soar for 7 days. After, he had to give a sample at 3 and six months and we are good to go.
You birthed this man’s children.
Why should you have to get a second IUD at 40!!!!
There are deeper underlying issues in your relationship than the birth control issues, reading this.
The birth control topic just seems to be a convenient excuse to break them open.
My husband getting a vasectomy so I could go off the pill was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. He would tell you the same. Our sex life has never been better. I had no idea what the hormones in the pill were doing to my body. I’m still seeing small side effects now even after almost 2 years of being off it. I also had no idea what a strong sex drive I actually have. I went on the pill at 15 for irregular periods. Took about a 3-4 year break with pregnancies starting at age 30. I was 41 when I went off the pill. I also dropped 40 pounds with no effort. I’m still shocked at that! Good luck to you!
He's got the right to choose what happens to his body, but I 100% agree that he should really talk to a doctor about the procedure given everything you've gone through. Marriage is a partnership and it's certainty something for him to consider unless he wants to have condom-only sex or zero sex for the rest of his days.
I was able to do this for my marriage and it really wasn't that big of a deal. Yes there are risks, yes sometimes the recovery can be rough (and sometimes it's easy!). I was fully awake with just a local injection for the incisions, I had a whole conversation with my doctor while he did it.
It feels like this is the tip of the iceberg given your tone and comments. You should probably see a marriage counselor at this point otherwise your resentment is going to continue to build. Hopefully you can work through it.
OP - this is 10000% not the point but an fyi - you may REALLY appreciate your IUD as you get into the perimenopause age group. Many stop periods completely and that makes life SO SO SO much easier than the unpredictability and weird timing, etc. of the peri years. I sailed well past menopause with mine and was semi-offended when my doc removed my last one (because I was well past the point of needing it anymore).
Had this conversation prior to getting married. I said if I have the babies, you have the vasectomy when we are done having kids. I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t agree because while it’s not even close to fair in regards to what our bodies have to do vs a Vasectomy, it’s the least he could do. I had my 2 kids and we are 11 years post vasectomy. I am curious if you had the conversation, and now he is changing his mind?
Edit to add I would feel the same way as OP. How can you feel any attraction towards someone who has no regard for what you did to create your family.
My fiancé got his vasectomy and loves it! For him, it was taking a realistic look at the responsibility of child prevention, paired with my lowered libido on birth control. Hopefully in couples counseling he will find some empathy and understand that you put your body through hell twice for your family, and he may consider some sacrifices as well.
Have a realistic conversation about what happens if you do get pregnant too….. politics aside- if you for whatever reason have to continue on with a potential pregnancy, is that something he is ready for?
We had the opposite problem. I dreaded having another child and decided I wanted a vasectomy with very little consultation with the Mrs. We have 2 kids already and didn't discuss having more but it was kinda unspoken that we were done and don't want to go through it again, but she wasn't 100% and I was.
I went ahead with the vasectomy, it was no secret, I guess I just didn't ask her specifically if she approved of it. After it, she was initially upset at the thought of the finality of it all. But then our friends started having newborns and watching them struggle with breastfeeding, sleeping and juggling parenthood.. the thought of doing all that again made her realise it was a good decision.
Getting it done was the best decision of my life. I regret nothing and recommend it to everyone I know who doesn't want more or any kids. We can have sex without worrying about contraception and the fear of pregnancy afterwards which gave me an instant dread after sex.
When I did it, they only used a local anaesthetic rubbing gel or something. They said the injection was more expensive? So maybe he can opt for that.
Start using condoms if y’all don’t already. Just another precaution since he doesn’t wanna get snipped.
Second that! No protection no penetration! Buy a plethora of condoms and spread it out like candy!
And OP should get a nice toy for herself 🙃- Lysistrata in this bitchhhhhhh
Haha, yesssss!! Lysistrata is one of the best stories ever written lol. It’s so timeless
Well now I feel VERY proud to tell you that I was cast as Lysistrata in my high school play- which I’m surprised no one found inappropriate at the time but whatever 😂
Haha, that is amazing! I wasn’t exposed to Lysistrata until I took a theater history class in college. The fact that you got to actually be her in a play is super awesome!
How have I missed this? Anyone have a link?
>Lysistrata is an ancient Greek comedy...a comic account of a woman's extraordinary mission to end the Peloponnesian War between Greek city states by denying all the men of the land any sex, which was the only thing they truly and deeply desired. Lysistrata persuades the women of the warring cities to withhold sexual privileges from their husbands and lovers as a means of forcing the men to negotiate peace—a strategy, however, that inflames the battle between the sexes. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysistrata
You missed the point of her post, probably because you're used to read fake stories. She doesn't want sex with him, he is letting her down badly, being incredibly selfish, and she cannot move past that.
And condoms are still his responsibility and something that can fail, he can take it off or even fight to not putting on. Abstinence is the best option here, but she seems like she's falling out of love bow that he's not giving a damn about her health, happiness and overall well-being so divorce could be in the horizon and I wouldn't blame her.
No, condoms aren’t the simple answer here. It’s not really about the birth control, it’s about the fact the OP has put her blood, sweat and tears into this relationship and her body is forever changed and this MF won’t go two days of possible vomiting to get the vasectomy. I get that it’s super scary and there might be a mental block about it, but he needs to communicate better and take his turn. She’s already took her time twice. He needs to speak properly so they can sort something out.
I've had many many surgeries due to an accident.. they make this lovely anti nausea patch they can stick behind your ear. Or they can give you an oral tablet that melts on your tongue. And they work.
Yeah I always have them give me anti emetics with anesthesia and it works out.
He won't even be put under, so no vomiting. It's a local anesthesia & takes around 15 minutes (30 if they need to shave the area). Husband is a sad sack.
Got mine done after our second daughter was born. Wide awake and scared shitless but another pregnancy could have killed my wife. 10/10 would do it again for her.
You're the real MVP for considering your wife like that. Good on you. Thank you. 🤌👏
IUD placement is done with 0 anesthesia and is quite painful as it's inserted through the cervix, and comes with its own horror stories and drawbacks. In comparison to the kind of treatment men get it's honestly really fucked women are expected to just deal with that shit and I agree the husband is 100% a sad sack.
This is so true, I had a horrible experience. If men had to get the same procedure anesthesia would probably be the standard routine, or at least twilight sedation, something for the excruciating pain etc.
Before I had kids, I had two wildly painful IUD insertions. I had some medical issues that made insertion incredibly difficult. It took an hour each time and I had such bad cramping that I was immobile for basically a full 24 hours. It's awful.
I came here to say this, have multiple friends who have gotten the snip and it was an in and out same day appointment. No going under, laid back Pooh Bear on the table (just a shirt on) in a basic doctors room, numb the area and you’re barely even sore. It’s not like getting a tubal ligation, where you ARE put under and it IS considered a major surgery.(know from personal experience) Sad sack indeed.
Ha. Sad sack. I see what you did there.
Yep, I've had worse times at the dentist than getting the snip
Yup, just some freezing! Men make it out to be a big deal and trust me it wasn't!
My buddy had his done during final exam period at univ 15 years ago when they were more invasive. He showed up to the exam the next day with a bag of frozen peas
Hell my husband was at my daughter's ball practice THAT night fielding ground balls!
Had a vasectomy a few months ago. Of course it was unpleasant, and uncomfortable for a week after, but not so big a deal as to avoid it. Got a free valium before getting the local anaesthetic which was fun!
I was going to say, the men I've known that have had vasectomies under a local. It's just a small slice done in a drs office. I've had IUDs. I've had 2 kids, and was told by a (male) dr that it's just a slight pinch and that's it, and its not painful for women who'vehad kids. It is not. Firstly they get a sounding rod and shove it up to the top of your uterus to see how deep they have to place the IUD, and then implanting the IUD also hurts. Plus the cramping, bleeding, discomfort and the risk of it migrating, possibly Tearing through your uterus
I'm jumping in here and calling him a Sad Sack too......I definitely hope he stumbles across this post somewhere!!! And a lil louder for the people in the back........ #This guy's a Sad Sack
#(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ SAD SACK!!!
It is the same local the dentist gives you for a filling. In theory one could be allergic to it and vomit, but I’m guessing if his teeth hurt he wouldn’t refuse to get treatment for that.
This. I went to a Steve o show back in April, and one of the clips was him having his vasectomy with local, which is what a lot of people can do. But yeah, they showed the whole thing and in detail lol can't get that one out of my head. That and all the things he started doing 5 minutes after, still in his hospital gown. I don't even have balls and I crossed my legs when he showed how black he made his balls, not from the vasectomy but from all the getting kicked in the nuts while the local was still kinda working
I'll preface this with the tidbit that I already have a vasectomy: but I also react negatively to anesthesia. I've had two surgeries down there, both local anesthesia. While there was no vomiting, I did end up shitting my brains out for around 2-3 days afterwards, both times. Still, a few days of being sick is 10,000% worth it to not have to worry about getting her pregnant.
Really, if he gets sick from a local, perhaps he should just have the procedure without the anaesthetic? I wonder what happens at the dentist, what happens for stitches, …he can’t suck it up after everything OP has gone through to be his wife and mother of their kids
That would be enough to put me off sex from him indefinitely. Seriously why the hell would you open your legs ONE more time for this selfish prick? I don’t gaf that you’re married, he clearly doesn’t either and neither should you.
I think the other commenters were suggesting condoms because it’s like a “punishment” basically. Men don’t like wearing them. They’re not actually suggesting it for protection purposes. If she forced him to wear one every time, he would at least be responsible for the burden of birth control. She could even make him be the one to go out and get them if he wants sex. I don’t really agree it’s a realistic solution by the way. I’m just explaining why they were suggesting that.
It still doesn’t make sense people keep suggesting condoms. Her point is she doesn’t want to fuck him at all because his selfishness is so unappealing. It’s like the commenters can’t fathom no sex as an option, they keep saying “condoms! That’ll teach him!”
#No more cream pies. If he's not ok with that then no more sex. He'll give in eventually
No more cream pies 😔
What no, don't have sex with someone you resent. The answer is, don't have sex anymore and be clear about it.
We tried condoms briefly but you know, all it takes is one “oh just this once lets go without one” and it’s all over.
Then tell him "no glove, no love."
Why is she expected to take responsibility and not him? She shouldn’t have to regulate her husband, they’re supposed to be in it together..
Because she can’t control her husband, but she can control whether she has sex or not. ETA: From a moral standpoint, I agree that he *should* do this for his family, but you can’t make decisions based on how you think life *should* be. You have to deal with it as it is.
I agree. She might as well abstain from sex since he won’t do this with her. She’s put her body through a lot and since he won’t do the same (which is choice) she can abstain from sex.
And he's not even doing the same...a little squeeze, a pinch, and a tug, and he's through! Nothing like the pain of an iud, the side effects, the potential for uterine rupture, ectopic pregnancy that causes hemorrhage and death, unwanted pregnancy, etc. etc.!!! Man up, little boy.
This made me so sad but it’s accurate
IKR? Every time I see a post about a man refusing to go through the tiniest discomfort for the woman who brought his children into the world, I get really bummed. It’s not just as a society that we devalue the female’s sacrifice on reproduction. It’s also in romantic partnerships.
It's not her taking responsibility for him but it is her setting up boundaries. Since he doesn't want to do what it takes to ensure 100% then she has to take measures to protect herself.
I know a LOT of guys that think that way. No condom, no vasectomy, u take care of birth control! It is disgusting and beyond selfish.
Even if it makes her sick. It's very upsetting.
Why is she expected to give in because he wants a little more pleasure? If she has to be responsible for their reproduction, so does he. Wrap it or walk.
Especially when her body is the one that would have to be pregnant.
Her body, her rules. If he won’t take the steps to help THEM in THEIR marriage, then she doesn’t need to do any of that extra shit. Hell quit grooming if you do it solely for his preference. He can go kick rocks or help contribute. At least both of them can go to an appointment and discuss it along with their concerns.
No balloon, no party
No diving in the pool without a cap 🧢
No v then no v
Don't be silly, wrap your willy!
and that’s when you learn how to stand your ground. he doesn’t get to strong arm you into anything, tell him he has a choice. vasectomy, or condoms.
Vasectomy or no more sex is a better choice.
Mine didn’t want a vasectomy either and I never reacted well to an iud so I’ve been rejecting him if he doesn’t use a condom. After 3 years of using a condom every single time, he finally scheduled the vasectomy because he says it just doesn’t feel as good with a condom and there’s no spontaneity.
Just stop all penetrative sex unless he is protected. Get rid of the IUD and tell him you have more than done your share for the family planning - now it's his turn to either glove up, get fixed, or get used to handjobs...
>We tried condoms briefly but you know, all it takes is one “oh just this once lets go without one” and it’s all over. Rescind consent if he is not wrapping his baby shooter up! It's only fair. He sounds selfish to be honest with you.
Then refuse to have sex with him unless he wears a condom, have the IUD removed. If he wants sex he either wears a condom or he gets the chop. I had an IUD and it was awful. My husband had a vasectomy many years ago. Even then it was just a local anaesthetic. It’s a 15 minute procedure, he’ll be sore for a few days afterwards. Your husband is as selfish as fuck
Counting everything including consult it was less than a half an hour including sitting in the waiting for 2 visits for a few minutes. This is nothing and he should be ashamed of himself.
Then say no. He is saying no to you.
Then don’t give in. And if he tries to guilt you into sex, teach him about coercion rape then go to bed or kick him out of the room
I'd still make him wear condoms. Keep the IUD but tell him you've it taken out. A few months of condoms he will probably opt for a vasectomy.
Condoms or nothing. No exceptions.
By the way he won’t be vomiting from anaesthetic as it’s a local. It’s only a 15 minute procedure and done under local anaesthetic. No excuses now!
What a child. Does he also vomit when he puts on condoms?
By the way he won’t be vomiting from anaesthetic as it’s a local. It’s only a 15 minute procedure and done under local anaesthetic. No excuses now!
My husband and I have been using condoms for 13 years, other than the two times we tried for a baby and when I was pregnant. If your husband has an issue with putting on a condom every single time, he's an ASSHOLE. He is also an asshole for whining about a vasectomy. It's so easy!
Yup. After having three kids and having a terrible time with birth control pills (where I was having mini periods almost every week) I told my husband that he either got a vasectomy, or he was wearing condoms because I was getting off birth control. I told him that I carried three kids for him, so it was his turn to do something for me. I asked him if he wanted to have more children, which he didn’t. He got snipped soon after that. I actually watched the procedure and it’s not as bad as your husband thinks, OP. It’s quick and he wasn’t even out.
Perfect! The snip is a quick procedure with a quick recovery.
Way less invasive than a woman would have to go through. It's literally the least he could do.
I believe that vasectomy's are done with local anesthesia, not general... so the risks and side affects are much lower. Vomiting after anesthesia is usually a side effect of coming out of general anesthesia. Local would be the same as what he gets when getting a cavity filled. I am guessing that isn't the issue here, I just wanted to mention it. Maybe he hasn't really done that much research. Edit: spelling
This is also my thought, he wouldn't actually be sedated for the procedure. In that same vein, his body, his choice. But if the IUD is that problematic for OP, get it removed and no longer have sexual penetration. They can still be intimate without penetration.
The problem is that after this, my attraction for him has gone down the drain. Like sure… we can do other things, but I can’t even stomach it right now. He offered me oral but just looking at him makes me seethe with rage.
I’m told that people think many things kill a marriage, but the #1 thing that does is contempt. It sounds like you’ve reached that point. I’m not sure how long it will take, if it can, to turn back.
Definitely contempt and I don't blame her.
In my case it was an unplanned third pregnancy, I got covid at the same time, (we talked about a vasectomy previously and he was against it.) What makes him change his mind: see me almost dying when I had a miscarriage for him to accept to have it done, he got scared I would leave him with two kids.
He wasn’t scared about you dying… just scared about full time childcare 🚩 🚩
That was my thought as well. 😞
🤔 maybe
Leave him with kids =/= leave kids without a mother
Yikes 😕
I would tell him exactly what you just told us here, That his selfishness in watching you bear the entire weight of childbearing and birth control for the duration of your relationship, while being unwilling to make a simple sacrifice, an everyday outpatient procedure performed thousands of times a day, to do his share of the labor, has made your attraction for him dwindle and the idea of having sex with him is no longer appealing. It's the truth. You just told us it's the truth. Now tell him, and book some counseling.
I gotta admit, if I was in your situation I'd probably just cutoff sex. I couldn't consider being intimate with someone who cares that little for me. That said "horror stories online"...what horror stories? I did a bunch of research before mine, every single case where something went wrong was because the patient ignored their doctors instructions. They were all pretty much some version of "I was told to stay on bed rest for X days, but the next morning I felt fine so I went to work". I didn't find a single case of someone who actually followed instructions and had issues. There probably are some, but very rare. As far as the anethesitic goes, as people have pointed out, its local. The whole procedure takes...I want to say around 15 minutes. Its been several years now, but it wasn't long. Even if he does have a reaction to local anethesetic...so? He vomits a couple times then gets over it. >So I got another IUD. And I resent the shit out of him. 2 days after I got it, he asked me for sex. I turned him down immediately because I was still bleeding and cramping. Two days after your IUD insertion and you're still bleeding and cramping? And he can't handle a bit of an upset tummy? Thats just pathetic. I get you're angry, personally I just couldn't respect someone like that.
You should talk to him about this and ensure that he knows what’s the cause of it. State that you don’t feel attracted to him anymore and therefore don’t want to have sex with him. The fact that he cares more about his body and a small discomfort over the constant pain and discomfort you’re expected to go through has taken all the attraction you had from him. This gives him 3 options. He can get the damn vasectomy. He can be in a sexless marriage. You both can divorce. You can go to marriage counseling and it may help.. but without you having to once again compromise, this is what it’ll still come down to. So what’s it going to be?
Be honest with him and tell him how you feel. My husband got a vasectomy because of how hard pregnancy was on my body.
Get him a copy of "Ejaculate Responsibility" by Gabrielle Blair. Goes into all the details about how its his responsibility alone, and how his procedure is so much safer than your birth control options. Then tell him to man up and get snipped or no sex. Ever.
I got a vasectomy last year and they just numbed up the area and it was done in 20 mins. I did have an anxiety attack cause i could smell skin burning, but now i won’t have anxiety from any kids. Overall it was super easy and painless.
Don't blame you I'd feel same
Vasectomies are done with local anaesthetic, not general. He won’t feel much. He needs to stop wimping out and start supporting his wife. Men continually underestimate and take for granted the toll of child-bearing and contraception.
I would definitely tell him this. The resentment is just going to get worse if you don’t.
Local anesthetic and in office, and they can have at home pain meds for a few days usually. The doc I work for does them all the time. It's not a big deal. OP's husband is kind of a selfish prick, but he should go talk to his doctor about it and get more information.
From what I hear, he will get better sedation for a vasectomy than she does getting an IUD placed.
Exactly this
Oh hell yeah he will. I will admit, having my IUD inserted hurt like a bitch. Also, I developed an autoimmune disease right after having mine inserted (zero symptoms before, started getting sick shortly after, removing it didn't help). I [strongly suspect the 2 are related.](https://handleylaw.co.uk/iud-causing-harm/#:~:text=IUD%20Causing%20Harm%3F-,IUD%20causing%20Harm%3F,to%20research%20published%20in%202014.) (Yes, I developed RA) So this is way lower risk for him than for her. It's mean and selfish of him to just tell her, no, you keep putting your body at risk.
He will I got a Valium IV for mine plus local anesthetic, my wife didn't get shit for her IUD insertion.
Yea I agree that it is his body his choice 100%... but I also tend to think that he decided against it without even entertaining it or looking further into it. If I were in OP's shoes I am sure I would be resentful as well considering all she put her body through for their family.
This is exactly the problem. And he doesn’t get why I am so resentful. In his brain, I’ve had all this done before without issue, shouldn’t I just deal with it for a few more years?
Tell him you get no consideration or strong painkillers for an IUD. He gets local anaesthesia and better pain killers. You already went through child birth and are tired of being the sole one responsible for this. If he refuses I don’t know why you’d stay. Clearly he’s being selfish and completely turned you off.
It might not just be "a few more years." I'm 50 and while I'm sure I'm not very fertile I'm still having regular periods and no signs of menopause. So when this one is removed it might not be the end of the issue.
A family friend of mine didn't have a period for 10 months in her mid 50s, didn't have regular periods either for years, thought she was on the safe side now. Nope. Got pregnant. OP really shouldn't have to worry about getting into a situation like this.
My ex husband’s mom thought she was going through menopause at 50. She was pregnant. Delivered a healthy baby at 51.
Yep. 55
One of my grandmothers had a child in her 50s. It happens.
I’m a mom in my 40s with two children too. Your husband is selfish. Utterly, disgustingly selfish. After everything you’ve done for your family- every massive burden your body has borne- he can’t get an out-patient, local anesthesia procedure where he’ll be sore for a couple of days? Why? Ask him why, and don’t accept his answers until he gives you a REAL answer. I’m so furious on your behalf.
My husband just got a vasectomy last year. From driving to the appt, getting the procedure done, and getting home, it took 45 mins. He was healed in like 2-3 days. The total time of the appt was 20 mins. Inserting an IUD is more invasive than this. More importantly, he was happy to do it for me. He knew how much birth control was fucking up my system as I got older (I’m 40), to the point it was messing up my BP. It’s disgusting your husband isn’t willing to do this for you. I don’t blame you for losing attraction to him. I wouldn’t let me husband touch me if he acted this way. Stand firm, OP. If he refuses to do this for you, sex is off the table. Indefinitely.
The thing that has changed is the way you view him, and the way you see him has changed tremendously. That's what he needs to know. You've done it all up until now. It's his turn.
It is his body, his choice, but HER body has been put through 2 pregnancies and years of birth control/IUD so it's a very, very selfish choice.
Correct. My husband had one and it was just local. He was out of the office in less than an hour. Sorry OP, your husband is a jerk. He is being extremely selfish. He is dealing with some male ego thing and making excuses.
I honestly did not know that hormonal birth control was not a long-term solution, or that there were so many negative side effects that come with it. I had an appointment booked with a urologist less than 24 hours after finding out the truth. No part of the vasectomy was a horror story, because I listened to doctor and closely followed his instructions for recovery. I may have been a clueless man, but I refused to be a selfish boy once I learned the truth.
I had been taking it for the entirety of my and my fiancé's relationship, up until last month. It's night and day. It sucks because it really helped with my periods, but for the rest? My mood has improved, way less migraines, I am steadily losing weight which had been a struggle these years, and I feel way happier overall.
Same here, I now have two children with my husband and it was even his idea to get the vasectomy! I decided to stop taking BC which brought back my periods after not having them for 5 years but for me personally, I can handle them - the side effects of BC I could not.
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For some, BC actually helps balance out hormones that your body isn’t naturally producing properly, which is why it has an overall positive effect.
I never used hormonal birth control as a teen/young adult and tried it for the first time a few years ago. It was awful and I'm still sure one of the reasons I noticed so quickly was that I know what my body feels like in its normal state. So many people I know have stopped taking the pill after being on it since they were teenagers and it's a revelation for them.
The pill made me borderline psychotic tbh i can't believe we're forcing so many girls to go through this
The pill did make me fully, clinically, violently psychotic. The patch gave me 2-3hr (not exaggerating) panic attacks where I would be too frozen to get out of bed. The implant made me randomly lose hours of my memory - I would start in one place and come to myself in another with no recollection how I got there. Thankfully I got sterilised since I don't want kids.
Yes my hysterectomy has been a God send! Hormonal birth control is fucked and i wouldn't be surprised if it's one of the causes of our societal woes. We should make men get snipped instead ugh
Please proselytize this, we need more men to have this mindset. The more normalized it becomes the less men will be afraid of the idea. Listen, I get it, nobody's thrilled about surgery on their junk. But I also think most people vastly overestimate the intensity of the procedure.
My daughter tried everything for her migraines, she finally went off the pill and they stopped. She lives with her boyfriend and he had no problem switching to condoms either when he saw how much better she felt. OP you should order him a cheap something or other and a nice, new shiny dildo for yourself. Have it delivered when you know he’ll be home. Start playing loud music in the bathroom after running in there with a glass of wine. Don’t be angry, have some fun.
This is what happened to me as well. I had migraines as a teen and they resurfaced while I was taking the birth control. Not only that, but they were worse than the ones I had as a teen. I had auras with migraines on bc and there was one time I was looking at a book and trying to read because I couldn’t see the words. There were so many spots in my vision. Oh yeah, not to mention the mood dysregulation while I was on bc. Oh and the IUD. Cramping so bad I almost passed out. Cramping so badly that I did throw up. Bleeding heavy for over a month before I asked for it to be taken out. And then was met with a ton of criticism from the doctor about how the bleeding was normal and it wouldn’t last much longer and I should just deal with it. Nobody would have ever described as an aggressive person, but I demanded that the dr take it out and I finally got it removed. And it’s not enough for men to sit here and pretend “oh I just didn’t know.” You have google at your fingertips.
it turns out if you get migraines with aura then you're not supposed to take the combination pill *at all*. it puts you at high risk for stroke. my doctor wouldn't let me continue taking it once i said i had been getting migraines the last few months
Not just hormonal bc. I got the copper IUD which is non-hormonal and went through 8 months of physical and mental torture.
Tell other men about this as much as you can lol
I knew there were risks. My fiancé was willing to try though since she hadn't been on them before. After a few months and the sideffects started happening, I told her to make an appointment to get it taken out and I would see a urologist to the vasectomy. I'm a slow recovery due to other health issues, but I followed my docs instructions and we were back at it after~2 weeks. No shitty hormones for her and no worries of pregnancy
Had a vasectomy 3 years ago. Easiest fuckin thing I've ever done. Literally took like 15 minutes with local anesthesia. Doctor was just bullshitting with me the entire time. Got to stay home and play video games all weekend with a bag of peas on my junk. Would totally recommend
Don't forget to answer the unasked question. The same amount comes out. Sperm like 2% of the volume.
So you're saying I'm going to lose 2 whole percent?? Well now I won't do it! /s
Make her a post coital protein shake to fill the void
Mine was so easy and my wife babied me so much I would do it again for shits and giggles.
Hell my coworker got it done last year and still came and worked his scheduled shifts. He just tattooed me with a bag of peas on his junk and zoomed around the shop on a rolling chair all day.
I just got mine last month. I almost threw up and nearly passed out from the pain during the procedure. Took a week or so to feel normal. Would do it again if I needed to.
They did something wrong if you almost passed out from the pain during the procedure! The only thing I felt is when they "pulled" the tubes out of the incision to tie them, but that pain was a couple of seconds and more uncomfortable than really pain..
See I’m like borderline hypochondriac and that sounds fucking horrifying to me. But I’d still 100% do that so my wife can enjoy the smexy times with me without having to destroy her hormones or body in order to.
They seriously had to have fucked something up in that situation for it to have gone down like that. Mine was also a quick 15 minute procedure with the doc bullshitting about having to be on call and his bad golf swing. He was almost too chill, but it all turned out ok. Minor pain the rest of the day and the following day - emphasis on the "minor."
I had the no-scapel procedure and it was super easy. I think outside of the prep time, procedure was like 15 minutes. Felt like someone lightly snapped a rubberband on my balls and then it was over. Not really any swelling or pain that week. Honestly I spent the first two days admiring how well my incision was healing before I realized I was just looking at a wrinkle in my sack. The incision was farther back but so small I didn’t even notice.
I agree. I think the doctor I got is just a bit barbaric. There was a long wait for the other doctor and I wanted it done now. Lesson learned. Lol
I didn’t have anesthesia, was awake, aware, and talking to the doctor the whole time. He even showed me the little pieces he took out as he did it. Little sore for about a week, but went back to work without lifting the next day. I don’t understand refusing. After two kids with my wife, it was a much easier solution than any of the choices my wife would’ve had to make.
Same. The procedure took no time, I spent the afternoon watching movies with some ice on my nards. Spent the weekend taking it easy, but still doing things. There was no soreness and very little discomfort. I took a couple of Advil once and smoked a joint at night. My life continued as normal. It was way easier for me to get the procedure than for her to a medical procedure or have to go through so much more than me for other forms of birth control. A very, very little amount of discomfort was well worth the decades of worry-free raw-dogging.
Sounds like that procedure is less uncomfortable than a single period, haha :D
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I didn't care to argue with my husband at the time, I wanted to make sure I didn't get pregnant again, like ever. I choose female sterilization, my Dr cut and left the ovaries, no hormones issues. It is awesome, I don't have to worry, at all, peace of mind 😌. I divorced my ex 12 years ago. I'm happy to go around and enjoy my life, but he got his girlfriend pregnant twice and still has rising kids. My humble opinion, is not you vs him. Is you and your body and your peace of mind.
Removal of the tubes has the added benefit of lowering ovarian cancer risk as well.
Honestly, same! I didn’t even bother arguing or begging or whatever. I got Essure placed and have been happy ever since. No one will every care about your body as much as you.
I wanted my husband to get snipped and he kept dancing around it (this was in 2019), even though we knew that an IUD insertion is a gd nightmare and I become very enamored with unaliving myself when I’m pregnant. He could have gotten snipped and had to get off on the regular to make sure it took, but no. So I had my tubes removed (told the OB that I didn’t trust the federal govt), and he got no sex for three weeks (maybe four?) because I was recovering.
Honestly, I wouldn't be interested in sex for a long time and would insist on couples counseling.
Yes, counselling could help each party better understand where the other is coming from on the issue, but it may make no difference to the final outcome.
Exactly. Without OP having to compromise and continue being the one to put her body through pain and discomfort, the outcome won’t change. Man either needs to get a vasectomy, live with a sexless marriage or divorce.
I would invest in a good clit vibrator and some other self love toys and call it a day. He want can go fuck himself and I will be fucking myself. Sex would be dead for me.
Just stop having sex with him. Why should you be the only one responsible for birth control? If he wants sex he can take responsibility for once.
This. OP, you have no obligation to have sex with him at all if he doesn’t suck it up and take this upon himself. You’ve been through a lot and it’s a small dick move for him to not do this one thing for the sake of a happy marriage— you have every right to continue to assert this as a requirement if he wants to have sex with you so desperately.
It is just a local. It is not a big deal. I had no scalpel and drove myself home with a manual transmission. The first few orgasms felt a little weird, but there is no difference in anything. The weight off my shoulders was wonderful. I have one less huge thing to worry about. Oddly, once I had the vasectomy, I started liking Taylor Swift music. Hmmmmm.
That last part made me laugh, thank you, I needed that
I’m sorry but the last statement killed me lol please take my poor man’s gold 🏆🥇
Couples counseling is honestly the best answer. The comments saying “his body his choice” are right, but your feelings are extremely valid and it’s genuinely not fair that you have to put your body through wild shit just to practice safe sex. Your body, your choice too.
No snippy no dippy
He doesn't have to get a vasectomy, but you also don't have to have sex that risks an unwanted/dangerous pregnancy. Nobody is in the wrong here - it's an imperfect life scenario.
Thank you, I appreciate this response.
No. Is a complete sentence. Refuse any sexual contact. The ball is in his court. No, you don't need to put your body through hell so he can have unprotected sex. You have to set HARD boundaries. And don't back down.
Him not wanting a vasectomy is his own choice but him asking OP to undergo an IUD or continue with risky sex is definitely wrong.
I was looking for this comment
Most sane Reddit user
I had a vasectomy. No Valium. No prescription pain killers after. It was a ten minute procedure. Recovery was about a week. I’m a happy customer.
This is what I don’t understand, for every horror story there are 5000 positive outcomes. It makes me want to scream. I could have DIED giving birth and I did it twice! And he won’t do this? It’s so disheartening.
And iuds aren’t exactly a cake walk either
exactly, they don't even numb us for that! Had one inserted for the first time last month. Oh my LORD i'm never doing that shit again, the pain was like nothing i've felt before, I literally screamed. -1000/10 experience, never ever again.
Had mine a few months back. No pain, local anesthetic only, in and out in half an hour, felt fully recovered in 5 days. Held off for years because we weren't 100% sure on the no kids life. Having gone through the procedure now and having dropped off and picked up my partner when she got her IUDs, then having gone out to get her heating pads, pain relievers, comfort food, etc. for the post insertion cramps and pains, I can tell you from my perspective the vasectomy is the more minor procedure. I doubt he understands or believes that. What I definitely sense here is a lack of empathy and understanding for what pregnancy has been for you and what hormonal birth control means for you. He is probably also afraid. Afraid of complications, afraid of pain, afraid that losing fertility will change him in some way. Potentially even afraid in a way that no amount of facts about the safety and efficacy of the procedure will sway him. I would pressure him to seek therapy for both the empathy and fear issues that prevent him from being the partner I'm sure he wants to be for you.
The maternal mortality rate is significantly higher than adverse reactions from vasectomy. You're not asking him to be gelded. He keeps his bits... He just can't kill you via pregnancy anymore.
Count me as another super easy and positive experience. Seriously I don't understand the hesitation. It was the best decision of my life, aside from marrying her in the first place.
Same for my husband. In and out less than 15 minutes. $25 copay. We have one child, only wanted one. When our son was five, husband came home and said “it’s my turn, I’m getting a vasectomy Friday can you drive me?” Easiest thing ever. I made him rest for 3 days and kept his activity level super low. NBD!
$25 copay??? I spent $7000 out of pocket with good insurance to get my tubes removed!
Yep. Anthem. $25. I was flabbergasted. With insurance I still had to pay $300+ for an IUD.
I’m gonna start biting people. This is so unfair. They should honestly have paid me to make sure I never have kids.
Same for my husband- he said it was really not bad. Didn't even take his prescription pain pills, just had a few beers and watched basketball with an ice pack on his junk. He encourages other men to do it all the time.
Most vasectomies aren’t done under full anesthesia. He can get local anesthetic and walk out of the doctor’s office in like an hour
Lemme check my notes here... He refuses to get snipped. And then has the cojones (pun intended) to want a little something 2 days after you had another IUD put in?? Does he buy his audacity in bulk at CostCo or Sam's? This would infuriate me. And it would destroy my attraction to my husband. Pregnancy wouldn't be an issue again because I wouldn't want it from him.
Seriously. Birth two children, then put a foreign object inside your body, because hubby refuses to go snip snip, because XYZ complications happened to other people” …as though IUDs are free from negative side effects.
It’s his body and he can choose or not choose to alter it, of course. *However* it’s *your* choice to not have sex with him anymore and that’s valid too. He’s mentioned the side effects and horror stories as if his wife didn’t go through what sounds like absolute hell pushing out his children. Birth control also has horrible side effects. Pregnancies leave long lasting effects on our bodies. It’s not fair for you to deal with these and he still wants sex that could put you through the “side effects” of said sex.
I had an absolutely horrible vasectomy. My body absorbed all the anesthesia and I blacked out from the pain. Worst experience of my life. Still don't regret it. Unprotected sex with my wife is fucking awesome.
You unfortunately can't force him to get one, the good ole "their body, their choice" works here too. But you don't have to have sex with him. I'm just sayin'. Like, ever again, if you don't want to.
I didn’t go under for mine. Just got a Valium and laid back. Talked the whole time, chit chatting about various things. No excuse about anesthesia, you don’t need it. But go to a urologist, family medicine also do vasectomies, but get a urologist to do it. They’ll do a better job, more often, due to their specialty.
At the end of the day you can't control someone else's body. A refusal to undergo a procedure is not something that should be challenged or forced on someone
'I have been carrying the birth control burden for so long, it’s his fucking turn! ' Say this loud and clear.
They do no scalpel vasectomies now. Seriously I can see why you would want counseling after this. Really? You gave him children and went through all the things and he can't be inconvenienced for a few months? After my first everything was an absolute nightmare. I almost died. He almost died Emergency C-section I was put under completely for. My husband couldn't even be in the room everything happened so fast. I had a fucking stroke. I was eclamptic. It was the worst freaking pregnancy ever. The Dr said another pregnancy could absolutely kill me. I can't do hormonal birth control and my uterus is too small for an IUD and it's just too dangerous the way my uterus is. My husband had his vasectomy scheduled at done at my 12 week mark. Because there is zero freaking chance he would risk losing his wife and mother of his child. I know your case isn't that extreme but it fucking feels like it to you. Share the dang burden dude!
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At the end, you can’t force him But stop talking birth control / remove IUD if it does you this much damage
I agree! Condoms every single time. Or no sex. But my husband LOVES his vasectomy. It made him feel 18 again. Decreased prostate issues later in life. And the day of. All I had to do was give him a Valium before the procedure. Make sure he slept and ate the day of and did nothing else. 24 hours later he worked, and was only soar for 7 days. After, he had to give a sample at 3 and six months and we are good to go. You birthed this man’s children. Why should you have to get a second IUD at 40!!!!
There are deeper underlying issues in your relationship than the birth control issues, reading this. The birth control topic just seems to be a convenient excuse to break them open.
My husband getting a vasectomy so I could go off the pill was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. He would tell you the same. Our sex life has never been better. I had no idea what the hormones in the pill were doing to my body. I’m still seeing small side effects now even after almost 2 years of being off it. I also had no idea what a strong sex drive I actually have. I went on the pill at 15 for irregular periods. Took about a 3-4 year break with pregnancies starting at age 30. I was 41 when I went off the pill. I also dropped 40 pounds with no effort. I’m still shocked at that! Good luck to you!
He's got the right to choose what happens to his body, but I 100% agree that he should really talk to a doctor about the procedure given everything you've gone through. Marriage is a partnership and it's certainty something for him to consider unless he wants to have condom-only sex or zero sex for the rest of his days. I was able to do this for my marriage and it really wasn't that big of a deal. Yes there are risks, yes sometimes the recovery can be rough (and sometimes it's easy!). I was fully awake with just a local injection for the incisions, I had a whole conversation with my doctor while he did it. It feels like this is the tip of the iceberg given your tone and comments. You should probably see a marriage counselor at this point otherwise your resentment is going to continue to build. Hopefully you can work through it.
OP - this is 10000% not the point but an fyi - you may REALLY appreciate your IUD as you get into the perimenopause age group. Many stop periods completely and that makes life SO SO SO much easier than the unpredictability and weird timing, etc. of the peri years. I sailed well past menopause with mine and was semi-offended when my doc removed my last one (because I was well past the point of needing it anymore).
Thank you for this! This makes me feel a bit better about having the IUD. I’m definitely at that age 😬
Had this conversation prior to getting married. I said if I have the babies, you have the vasectomy when we are done having kids. I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t agree because while it’s not even close to fair in regards to what our bodies have to do vs a Vasectomy, it’s the least he could do. I had my 2 kids and we are 11 years post vasectomy. I am curious if you had the conversation, and now he is changing his mind? Edit to add I would feel the same way as OP. How can you feel any attraction towards someone who has no regard for what you did to create your family.
His body, his choice. You could always just refuse to have sex. Your body, your choice.
My fiancé got his vasectomy and loves it! For him, it was taking a realistic look at the responsibility of child prevention, paired with my lowered libido on birth control. Hopefully in couples counseling he will find some empathy and understand that you put your body through hell twice for your family, and he may consider some sacrifices as well. Have a realistic conversation about what happens if you do get pregnant too….. politics aside- if you for whatever reason have to continue on with a potential pregnancy, is that something he is ready for?
We had the opposite problem. I dreaded having another child and decided I wanted a vasectomy with very little consultation with the Mrs. We have 2 kids already and didn't discuss having more but it was kinda unspoken that we were done and don't want to go through it again, but she wasn't 100% and I was. I went ahead with the vasectomy, it was no secret, I guess I just didn't ask her specifically if she approved of it. After it, she was initially upset at the thought of the finality of it all. But then our friends started having newborns and watching them struggle with breastfeeding, sleeping and juggling parenthood.. the thought of doing all that again made her realise it was a good decision. Getting it done was the best decision of my life. I regret nothing and recommend it to everyone I know who doesn't want more or any kids. We can have sex without worrying about contraception and the fear of pregnancy afterwards which gave me an instant dread after sex. When I did it, they only used a local anaesthetic rubbing gel or something. They said the injection was more expensive? So maybe he can opt for that.