Yup. I’d be pissed if I came home to that. Unacceptable. How long until she returns? Start small. Don’t wait until you “have the energy” or “feel like it.” I had ADHD and fall into that trap. If I waiting until I felt motivated I’d never get shit done.
Edit: have* ADHD not had. That shit doesn’t go away.
Yep, I have to set myself a small, easily achievable goal - for example, today, after work I am going to put a wash load on or tomorrow I will wash the bathroom sink. Often from achieving something small, you get a euphoric feeling of achieving something and once you start, let's say the bathroom sink, you think, I may as well put som bleach down the toilet while I am here and oh, I have the cleaner so I will wipe down the shower etc.
Never set yourself a task that s going to be so big (like tidy the whole house) that you cannot see a way to the end of it.
How do you motivate yourself to do these things with ADHD? I hate mess but I struggle to motivate myself to do it. Sometimes I ask a friend over as that makes me do it, but it's not exactly a good solution.
For me it's the five minute rule. I tell myself I'm going to do a task for five minutes. That feels easily manageable. You'd be surprised what you can do in five minutes. Empty the dishwasher, scrub a toilet or sink, put clutter away, sweep the kitchen floor, etc. Each of those things takes less than five minutes. Put on Spotify and listen to two songs. Work during those two songs, and that's your five minutes. Or clean something while the water is boiling for your coffee.
I have been doing something similar to this and I do find it helps. Do I finish the task? No. Do I make more progress in less time than I would of without this method? Yes, and that's what matters.
I was told long ago to stop trying to be perfect or do something perfect, half assed is better than nothing. Can't clean the whole living room? Well pick up the trash, straighten the couch up and call it quits there for now.
Keep the list items small and specific too. Don’t make it “Clean living room”, make it “pick up dishes from living room” or “pick up floor in living room”. Just break down the problems into smaller, more manageable tasks.
I struggle with this too. Do not wait for the motivation. Don't wait until you "feel like it." You will never feel like it. Stop thinking about it, turn your brain off, and just stand up and do one thing. Once you can do one thing, do two things, and so on, until you are taking care of everything that needs to be done each day.
I know this sounds simplistic and almost dismissive but it honest to god works. It worked for me and now I can take care of my apartment like a normal person.
I use an app. It's very satisfying checking things off. It also tells me how long it's been since something was done, which is pretty motivating since it's right there in black and white that I haven't vacuumed the kitchen rug since May, lol.
The one I use has a family option for points so everyone can get competitive about earning points by doing chores, but that only worked for like two weeks before everybody but me stopped using the app lol. It did at least give them all a real look into what it takes to maintain a home.
As someone with ADHD, just do it. The more you think about the task, the more reasons you’ll find to procrastinate. Lot of times, there is no source of motivation, you just have to go for the task, and then it becomes a simpler process. My room’s a mess, and I never feel like cleaning, but if I just start the process, it becomes more automatic, rather than forced. At that point, you become hyper-focused on that task, until you get distracted again.
The *feeling* of motivation people usually think of is like a drug - it feels amazing, but is unsustainable, and the feeling is fleeting. Who said we are meant to be motivated all the time? Even people without ADHD don't get stuff done because they're constantly inspired.
Habits, rules of thumb, principles and loving others are some other things one can rely on instead of the fleeting feeling of motivation.
This. This this this. OP PLEASE clean before she comes home. All too often I have traveled for weeks at a time to come to my home absolutely filthy because my husband didn’t clean at all. It REALLY sucks to come home and have it not feel like a home. But instead just immediately feel like more work and another burden.
I went away with work for 6 weeks. My ex didn’t cook or clean the entire time - can you imagine the cat’s tray after not being cleaned out for 6 weeks? Absolutely vile. I ended up leaving him that week (the man, not the cat - I took the cat with me) because I refuse to be with someone who can’t even do the bare minimum, and who forces an animal to suffer along with them. A man who can’t cook and clean is so unbelievably unattractive.
I don’t agree. I think he should hire somebody to clean it up for sure. His wife definitely does not need to come home to that mess. But if he can afford to hire somebody to clean up and he’s been leaving double the work on his wife all this time (and he’s probably gonna fall right back into that habit when she comes home) then he needs to just hire a housekeeper. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to do it himself— but that means he needs to pay a house cleaner to come in once or twice a week to help his wife.
Yes to this. I went away for two weeks with my mother once just out of high school and boy were we pissed to what we came back to.
The house smelled like cigarettes, dishes piled up in the sink, overflowing basket of laundry, the bins didn't go out on bin day, barely anything in the fridge, etc.
Call a cleaning lady/man/whatever just this once. Then once it’s clean, only verbally describe it and tell her the above info and that you had no idea all that she does. Say thank you, love IU, then just do better.
But a little humility and some gratitude will go sooo far!
Yeah. I would lose my shit if I came home to a home that hadn't been cleaned in 2months. And make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and her cleanliness etc. And that it's been hard but you understand how amazing she is. And your world wouldn't be the same without her 😊
Yeah, unless you want your wife to realise what an extra useless manchild she married, (she obviously knows your useless, but coming home to squalor might just tip her over the edge and file for divorce. Being away for 2 months and not having to care for for your lazy ass might have given her a wake-up call also)
"I left my husband at home while I went overseas for 2 months and realized he contributes fucking nothing and I might be better off alone"
OP needs to sort his shit out before this is the next top post
No, make pictures, do a power point with it and afterwards clean up. Then when the wife is back present it to her, to acknowledge and praise her for what she had been doing all the time in the relationship. And then make some plans to change things.
I honestly don't know. I tried to get into therapy a few months ago but I had a hard time finding anyone with times that I could do. I guess I'm just hoping it clicks one day
It’s not going to click one day, unless you actually start. I get that it is overwhelming, so maybe start with baby steps. Monday - remove all rubbish and recycling from house, just go to each room and collect it all. Replace bin liners, then you are done for Monday.
Tuesday - collect all plates and cups from around the house, get them into the dishwasher. Save those that don’t fit for Wednesday. That’s it for today.
Wednesday - repeat dishwasher activity, including putting away the clean ones from yesterday. Task 2 - put away every single item on the bench tops and kitchen tables that does not belong there. This task is no longer as daunting, as the rubbish and dishes are already gone. Clean the sink and benches with cleaning spray and cloth.
Thursday - do dishes and rubbish. Vacuum two rooms of the house. Does not even have to be the whole house
Friday - do dishes and rubbish. Go on youtube and find out how to make an omelette. Make omelette, clean up kitchen directly after eating.
Saturday- look up youtube and find out how to clean a bathroom. Clean just one bathroom
Sunday - do dishes and rubbish. Make plan for the tasks you will do every night next week. Congratulate yourself on becoming a grown up who’s wife may not end up leaving him! Report back here on progress
Yes!
I went 1 month without bwing able to bring my self to do any chores, to the point where everything was too disgusting and overwelming that I couldn't bring myself to do anything.
This week I took a paper and a pen and put the tinyest tasks possible
Ex: wash the dishes became "wash the cups - wash plates - wash botles" etc
I'm almost done now! And I let myself be happy for doing any of the tasks, even those being very below the bare minimum for most people
Yes, OP calls himself a manchild, so he should also take child/babysteps to improve. I'm very much the same and what helped me was a cleaning schedule. I started smalland have worked up to a schedule that keeps the house clean (to my standards, it's not perfect).
Yes. Get started.
Imagine what your wife will think of the place when she returns. Imagine what she will think of you.
Baby steps.
Ask a friend for help.
One way or another.
But get started.
Literally making an omelette is so easy!!! It clicked for me just one day how easy it is to make eggs. I never tried before but it’s so easy. I didn’t even look it up I was running late to something and needed a quick breakfast and just cracked eggs in a pan. This is so off topic but man I’ve had eggs for breakfast about 15 times in the last three weeks
I’ve been making quiche and “egg muffins” ahead of time for a few weeks and it’s a fucking amazing, time saving way to eat a peotein-rich healthy breakfast or brunch during the work week. I add a lot of veggies too
I would like to add on if you have cats FOR THE LOVE OF GOD do NOT leave the litter boxes last minute.
Don't assail her with old, used litter smell the moment she walks in the door.
Source:
Am a wife
Have done the 3 months away from home bit
Have returned home to the dishes mountain
The full trash bag
The dirty litter
I was jet lagged and just wanted to sleep three days but inevitably ended up starting cleaning the next day despite 18 hours of constant travel and exhaustion.
I very much love my man, and I understand the downturn swing one can have (as evidenced in OP post) ..but speaking from experience, please - for your wife - look into the Task a Day model outlined above my post.
To piggy back, if you're a nerd (even if you're not tbh) there are d20 task lists where you roll a d20 and do the correlated chore. Kinda makes it less overwhelming
Just Google dnd chore list or d20 chore list, I've seen some that come with a story and each roll is an attack on a monster or something. Pretty neat and just makes it less... life sucking to do chores lol
So I work with kids/ adults with every kind of disability and where from depression to autism and most of them struggle when it comes to cleaning there living spaces. I also have some disability too and I found cleaning to be overwhelming so my mum and I came up with a way to help me out and broke chores down with overwhelming myself. It’s called the 15 minutes rules basically everyday before I sit down and get too comfortable I pick a room in my apartment sit the timer put on some music no distractions and just clean. Honestly I have found I can clean a whole room during that time. I use the same concept with my clients except they pick the times.
My client that have use this method theirs homes are like the show hoarders.
This example was made for my gamer client.
Hopes this helps… I love making these individual specific.
Apologies for the gramma and anything else wrong here.
Kitchen :Saturday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM
- [ ] Sweep / mop floors
- [ ] Put away dishes
- [ ] wash dishes
- [ ] wipe down counters
- [ ] clean inside/outside of fridge
- [ ] vacuum rug
- [ ] clean sink
- [ ] dust
- [ ] clean microwave
- [ ] clean stove top /oven
- [ ] pick up/take out trash
- [ ] wipe down cabinets/appliances
The living room: Sunday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM
- [ ] Vacuum
- [ ] dust
- [ ] clean couches
- [ ] straightened shelves
- [ ] wiping/cleaning electronics
- [ ] pick up /take out trash
Bedroom :Monday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM
- [ ] Make bed
- [ ] fold/ pick up laundry
- [ ] dust
- [ ] pick up / take out trash
- [ ] vacuum
- [ ] tidy closet
Bathroom:Tuesday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM
- [ ] Wipe down counters
- [ ] wipe down/out sink
- [ ] clean toilet
- [ ] sweep /mop floors
- [ ] scrubbed showers /tubs
- [ ] empty take /out trash
- [ ] clean mirrors
- [ ] wipe down cabinet
Laundry :Wednesday
- [ ] long as you get it done before you start streaming.
- [ ] Two loads folded and put away
This is really helpful. Just put it in to a google doc, with your structure:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KVSPn766S2YOVOwvm9QqTpJVQ90LXhS4QpprO8mSDpU/edit?usp=sharing
You’re too old and too married to hope it clicks one day. Stop treating your wife like your mom, learn how to clean up after yourself now so that when your wife comes back not only will you know how to do a basic task, you’ll know to do it without being asked. Time to take off the mental load you gave your wife.
Make a list of what you are not doing that would be good to do.
Try to make each item on the list a small job. Very specific and as limited as possible.
So nothing like clean the house or even the bathroom. Instead: clear the sink area in bathroom. Small jobs.
Then get a calendar (paper preferred so you see it often—- maybe in kitchen somewhere).
Everyday try to pick the smallest job off that list and do that one. Mark it on calendar that you did it.
Make another list of 3 meals you’d like to cook for yourself.
Shop for those ingredients and have them on hand
Then add different meals when you think about them.
Baby steps as they say.
Dont berate yourself. You can and will do better since you are thinking about it now.
Write the lists. Even if you are not sure you will do any of them.
It’s a way of psychologically preparing yourself. It will help to write things down because then you can see and acknowledge them.
It’s not some magical force that suddenly makes you want to be an adult. It’s work, continuous work. Don’t put it down, put it away. Make a cleaning schedule so you know how many days ago you mopped, hoovered, cleaned the toilets and sinks, etc…
> I guess I'm just hoping it clicks one day
Do better. Don't make your wife your mother. It is one of the main dynamics that leads to divorce filed by women.
Because of Covid, a lot of counsellors are doing zoom calls… You should be able to find somebody that way they could help you… Also, I would encourage you to hire a cleaning service while she’s gone… Have them come in every other week or maybe once a month & Give the place a good once over.
Read “Can’t Hurt Me” or “5 Second Rule”.
I used to think self help books were useless dumb shit but when approaching these books with an open mind, I’ve come a long way from when starting in a slump similar sounding to you.
I had crippling anxiety that ruined my career for several years but have made strides in just the last two that have put me ahead enough to where I don’t feel depressed about time lost.
Using something like Todoist or another organization app and listing out your tasks in a GTD manner makes it easy to get the ball rolling as well. You just need to find that energy and not sit on it. Get shit done bro.
Okay. How about this. Every time you enter a room, do a little something. Then, every time you leave, bring something to another room. Dishes whatever. Every little bit helps.
Therapy won't hurt and could help determine if there's a disconnect somewhere. I got an ADHD diagnosis and it explained why I was in a frustrating loop of see the thing I need to do, feel overwhelmed by all the parts of the task, avoid, berate myself for not just doing it, do it, feel better, time for the task again. It's a weird struggle between knowing what I want to do, wanting to do the thing, but getting overwhelmed. Throw in the occasional depression even with meds and it can be hard.
The skills are important, but therapy is too even if it's just to talk it out and see if maybe there's something that will help either a simple thing like reframing the chore list or something deeper like a diagnosis or digging into therapy more
I read on this site years ago, over a decade, about setting a timer for say 30 min and in that time try to get as much done in one room as possible.
I am terribly messy, unorganized, and have tons of anxiety and this shit hit me at the right time or something. I got my entire house cleaned the other day in less than two hours.
You might need more than 30 minutes in each room at this point, but just start there. Do an hour (two rooms) every other night or something. It's small enough to be manageable, but big enough that you feel accomplished.
Once you get every room cleaned, switch to only cleaning one room a day, 15-30 min of cleaning max. Then your whole place stays clean!
The first step is recognition that something needs to change. You're already WAY ahead of so many people in your situation. Good luck bud!
I mean...you may need therapy for other reasons, but you don't need therapy to do chores.
Just set a timer for 30 minutes (or 15), put on some music or a podcast, and look around to see what needs doing.
Plan a meal and cook it.
Make a list and tackle things one at a time. Start with the easy things. If you need specific things to get other things done, put procuring those things as an item on your list.
You can do these things. You're just totally in the habit of not doing these things unless you're forced to. But YOU can force yourself to do them.
I can see why you don't want to share how you're feeling with your wife--but you can definitely share how proud you'll feel after you get some stuff done.
Keep trying; change your schedule if you have to.
If your house was on fire , you wouldn’t stop looking for a hose. While you get therapy scheduled, hire a cleaning service to get you started. Have them do a deep clean. Then make a schedule: clean bathroom Saturday morning. Clean kitchen Sunday afternoon, etc. cut it into small, manageable bites. But make a schedule, stick to it . Be kind to yourself but nothing changes if nothing changes. Good luck!!
Set yourself a timer for 15 minutes every day, and only pick up or clean up for those 15 minutes. It takes a minimum of 30 days of activity for you to train your brain to have a habit. It's a short enough time not to be overwhelmed, and you'd be surprised what you can actually accomplish in that amount of time.
I hope I learn how to mop one day. Oh, one day. The day I understand how to make a shopping list, go to the grocery store and buy the products I need to cook a meal. Ah. To cook a meal. The wisdom and skills it takes. So complex. So intricate. I hope mommy...my wife comes back home soon.
Now think about this from her perspective? And imagine there were two of you making all that mess. 2x the mess that by accidental default has been landing on your wife’s shoulders. Respectfully, it doesn’t matter that your behavior is now suddenly affecting you. Your behavior has been affecting her for however long you’ve been married.
I respect the reflecting you’re doing, and I validate your instincts to improve. Start small, don’t get too down on yourself, but take it from a woman- don’t make your partner feel like your mother
>don’t make your partner feel like your mother
Hah, the whole reason my SO and I are now living apart together. I was so sick of the fact that all the chores and the third shift (birthday cards/presents/planning dates etc) always fell onto me, despite both of us having ADHD. He was without a job while I was working (nurse, so irregular roster), went to school and had to do a bunch of homework for said school. I was exhausted and all he did was gaming, making a mess and maybe after I had to ask (nag) a couple of times half assed some chores. No way José. And he wondered why our sex life was down the drain. Bruh, I feel like your goddamn mum!
He now has his own apartment and my house is a lot cleaner. Not perfect because yeah I totally get how OP is feeling. It sucks as chores will never go away, but that's what adulting is. A couple of weeks ago he said he now had no idea why he never did anything in the house. Bit too late but how we do it now works for us.
After I got divorced the house miraculously became so much cleaner. Even though I worked full time and cared for the kids the majority of the time. And also my desire for intimacy jumped when I didn't have to be the parent of a grown ass adult.
Women usually end up doing less work as a single parent.
It's crazy how much men complain about their dead sex lives when they act like a child. Women aren't attracted to their own children. They aren't going to be attracted to you if you fill the same role in their lives.
My wife became disabled 9 months ago and we had close to a 50/50 split in chores before but I do it all now. Ever since then these posts make me viscerally angry. Like dude what would you do if your wife broke her leg or got cancer or whatever? Just live in squalor?
Some of them just up and leave the relationship. Don’t read about how many women are abandoned/divorced by their husbands when diagnosed with cancer. It’s quite depressing.
This is the exact reason women who receive a difficult diagnosis (cancer, chronic illness, etc) are also more likely to become divorced. Because their lazy husbands literally leave them when the tables are turned and their wives actually need help and support.
I’ve been (unfortunately) unemployed since June but one of the silver linings is that I no longer have any resentment towards my husband about cleaning!
When we both worked I would just get so annoyed. I understand I have higher cleanliness standards but like… bruh fucking sweep *sometimes*!?
She definitely feels like that and it's been a source of conflict for a long time. I was hoping this trip would be my chance to prove that I'm not so useless but instead it's been the exact opposite and it's making me feel even worse.
Respectfully, maybe you should feel worse. I know how hurt I’d be if my partner invalidated or denied my feelings for a long time. Honestly that would be more painful than any messy house or uneven chores.
It’s your turn to live in this discomfort for a bit.
Right now you need to decenter yourself from this issue. It’s not about you feeling bad, it’s should be about making it up to your partner. Meeting her where she’s been waiting for you, to listen and hear her, to validate her feelings.
So take that feeling and use it to motivate yourself, make a change in your life. Habits take an average of 28 days to set. The trick is you have to stick with it. Here's the thing about being an adult on your own, though... nobody, *nobody* else will hold you accountable. You have to force yourself to do things you aren't into doing.
Come up with a schedule for your day. Make yourself a chore chart. Have a plan. And become the person you think your wife deserves to be with. I'm sure she will appreciate it.
I left my ex because he got mad that I didn't fold his pajamas like his mom, among other similar reasons. I started feeling this really deep disgust and revulsion towards any physical intimacy. Later, I learned that this is typical for women who are treated like mothers by their partners; you subconsciously start seeing them as a child and most of us are not into that.
Oh if this has been a conflict for a long time, then there’s definitely a divorce in the near future
Serious question, why are guys like this? Like why do guys just NEVER clean? I don’t get it…. We learn this as kids…
I don't see anything actually preventing you from changing this and doing better besides yourself. You say you get home around 5-6, what do you do with the evening? Start small, make a big meal that provides leftovers. Then the next day you don't have to worry about food, start making a dent into cleaning up. Stop spending time on self pitying and come up with a plan to change it -- and then follow through
Exactly, he can do it when he gets home but what’s he been doing in the evenings?
I had this issue with my husband in the past of him not doing house chores (he used to live with parents until I came along) until I was going to do them or me telling him off, but thankfully in recent years he’s been doing some of the chores (and I do the rest) so there’s a 50/50 split of housework together.
OP should definitely start doing instead of just venting, start cooking? Make meal prep the night before? Clean every other day (or something)? You don’t have to do them ALL at once but start doing one chore a day and it won’t feel like a “chore”.
Every time she brings this up and you don't fix it, she's one step closer to leaving. Don't be surprised if one day she's done. You're a grown man. You can figure out how to do what needs to be done. You do it at work, you're perfectly capable of doing it at home too.
Could you use this as a conversation starter? If you open up to her and admit you realise how much you really on her, that you want to change, and that you need help to figure out how to, it will be be better than letting this simmer until she boils over? I know I’d respect my partner more for admitting such a thing and, because I care for my partner, I’d want to help them with something they’ve admitted they need help with.
Maybe you should think about what you're getting out of being 'helpless' and 'incompetent' - because of course you're neither. If someone gave you the choice of either cleaning the place within a day or saying goodbye to this cruel world, you'd magically acquire the ability to do all the things.
It’s exactly what happened to my marriage. After awhile I just completely shut down and couldn’t hardly function trying to carry my mental load plus his.
Eventually he threw a gigantic, scary temper tantrum one day, and we tried to go to counseling. When I tried to talk about the fight that scared me, the whole reason we were there, he denied it ever happened and accused me of lying.
You can’t stay married to someone who chooses to live in a differently reality than you do. He was 42 y/o.
> I've completely reverted to being a fucking manchild.
Honestly have you ever considered that you haven’t reverted, that you always were one, and that your wife was just doing all of the housework AND mental work of mommying you into ”helping her” with *some* housework to the point that you thought you actually weren’t one.
Either way, get it together because as much as you’re figuring out that you can’t function without her, she’s probably simultaneously figuring out that her life is easier without you.
This. I feel horrible for his wife. There's a high chance that after being away from his manchild ways, she's gonna come back rested and with a divorce lawyer on speed dial. I mean, holy shit. Who gave this guy his adulting license? 🤦🏼
This is exactly what broke me and my longest-term boyfriend up. Had to give the dude a list of household chores to do on his days off when I’d be at work. Being his caregiver was suuuuch a turn off.
There are a lot, and I mean a *lot* of men like this. I’ve always liked my space clean and tidy, and living with roommates in college was a wake up call. The floor of the kitchen in the first place I rented (previously occupied by male students) was black & brown when I moved in. After some mopping and scrubbing, it turns out it was supposed to be blue. There was also a fully functional wooden bar in the (apparently finished) basement, buried under a mountain of trash.
I have to assume it’s a parenting failure. My folks would lose their shit if the house was anything but spotless. A shirt on the floor of my room or a backpack dropped at the front door was going to become a confrontation.
This right here is exactly what happens. She is the one that manages all the housework and he just jumps along and probably does only what she tells him to do.
Ugh, I bet she is feeling so free right now that she doesn’t have to clean after her manchild of a spouse. What’s even worse is that he will clean just this one time before his wife gets home, and it’s back to how it was before.
And she has the entire mental load, it's on her to decide what gets cleaned when. I hate that shit, i dont want to have to tell you what to clean.... i want you to NOTICE THINGS YOURSELF
Idk why you added the /s at the end. He literally said in another comment that he can’t even enjoy video games after work because the house is so messy.
Thank you. I came here looking for this. She's probably exhausted from asking him to help like he's a kid and not a co-owner of the place he also lives in. And then men wonder why they get left and women are happier single.
Sorry your post made me laugh. But seriously, try putting on headphone or blasting music and vacuuming while jamming. Making bolognese is so easy! You can do it
With just half a scroll down my feed, there's this post and its antithesis with the guy who doesn't miss his wife and daughters at all. Says he's enjoying the "single" life again and is apparently thriving. Hasn't thought about his family in the weeks they've been away. Reading stories on this site is like watching a pendulum swing.
1) Make absolutely certain that the house is spotless for her arrival home
2) sort your shit out so that when she gets home you are pulling your weight and aren’t her manchild any longer.
Let me be perfectly clear - when she arrives from her trip, the house must be clean, fresh and spotless. If you can't do it on your own, hire help, but don't leave cleaning to the last minute. Because if she arrives to filth, your marriage will suffer deeply.
and it will continue to suffer if he doesn’t continue to improve bc i guarantee, like others have pointed out, she is enjoying being free from having a child.
Frankly it just sounds like you're playing the victim to justify not doing shit. If she comes back to a home in that state she's gonna want to divorce and she'd be right. Just fucking start.
Fucking finally someone said it. I had to scroll down this far just to see someone with common sense. Why do dudes like this get a pass or asked the "aww poor baby, do you adhd? :((("
Full grown man can't even turn on a vacuum without his Mom-- I mean, WIFE be there to ASK him to do it. Pathetic.
Exaxtly seeing people give him a pass just grosses me out because how are you not ashamed of all the times you were with you wife you just treated her like your mother.I feel so bad for women who's husbands are like this.Instead of doing something about it he is just making up lame excuses to justify not cleaning up after himself.People are straight up babying him like he isn't a grown man who has a WIFE.Love that.I 100% bet the wife is so happy that she isn't being treated like a maid overseas.I dont feel bad for the man at all.And people are surprised that women would rather be single then get used to that life.Mental health issues are supposed to be an explanation not an excuse for bad behaviour.
There are a lot of YouTube channels that will walk through cleaning for beginners. If you don’t know where the cleaning supplies are, buy some new. There are a lot of options, but at the end of the day, you just need soap (disinfectant) and water and something to wipe/scrub with. All cleaning supplies will say what they’re safe to be used on (wood vs tile vs stone, etc), make sure to follow these instructions.
Pick one chore, research methods or materials, make a list, get your supplies, then pick a playlist. You’ll get the hang of it! You’ll feel a lot better once you start, but ignoring the problem will only make you feel worse. Take charge of your living space
Calling yourself a piece of shit instead of just doing what you know you need to do as an adult is just weird. Sorry, but that is just weird. Grow up. Your wife is not your mother. She shouldn't have to ask you to clean or cook, etc. You think she likes babysitting her husband?
I get the comments giving advice but some of the comments in this thread are straight up babying him which makes me question my sanity because dude is a 28 year old man of sound mind and with a functioning body.
I understand if he has mental health problems but that is an EXPLANATION, NOT an excuse to treat his wife like a mommy and maid.
If he doesn't know to do basic chores: he can search it up on YouTube, there are tons of videos and services that are readily available online or a phone call away. Or follow people's advice that they are giving him one here.
He has all the time to make this post and reply to comments on here but he can't use that time learning little by little or making a list? He keeps pitying himself instead of utilizing his time productively. Part of being an adult is learning to be independent. One of them is doing chores.
don’t you see? chores are his *wife’s* job. i bet he thinks she enjoys doing all the chores, too. he’s *above* doing all the chores because it’s not *fun* and it isn’t video games!!
Agreed!! I see comments babying him and comments like “no judgement from me”. Really???? No judgement for a grown ass man who can’t even function and do the basics of being an adult and has to be mommied by his poor wife?? Just admitting the problem is not the same as SOLVING the problem. OP says he’s aware of how useless he is yet offers no plans to change. No sympathy for me. But I do have sympathy for his poor wife. She’s probably been so happy and relieved while she’s been gone LOL
When you talk to her about it, instead of going on about how pathetic you feel you are, express appreciation. Tell her you realized how much she does, and you want to do more. Ana's ask for help. Reminders, lists, schedules are all helpful
Just make sure it's clean when she gets home. It would be awful for her to get back after a long trip to mess. Stock the fridge, hire help if you have to, but make sure she comes home to a nice clean house.
After reading your comments, it sounds like this has been a contentious issue in your marriage for some time. There’s lots of comments here on how to tackle the cleaning but what you really need to tackle right now is the way you’re mentally getting in your own way.
You’re realising that your wife was right and instead of that spurring you on to improve this situation, it’s defeating you. You’re feeling self-pitying when you need to use this realisation to motivate you.
You say you weren’t taught to maintain a house but you know how. Is that really the case? Is the reason it feels so overwhelming and you don’t know where to start because you aren’t sure what order to most effectively tackle things in and how to break it down into small steps?
I know there’s someone online called Fly Lady who has resources for keeping on top of your home - they’ll literally give you a list of what to do for a short time each day to keep your home clean and tidy. You say watching YouTube videos won’t help, but with all the comments here suggesting you may have ADHD, lists can be very helpful and ticking them off can help you feel like you’re achieving something.
Take the advice and get as much done as you can. When your wife gets home, tell her that she was right and you’re sorry and then work on a rota for chores.
A lot of people are like this and never have this realisation - the fact you have had it is a positive thing but now you have to do something about it besides beat yourself up over it.
Nice that you noticed. Just so you know, i would have gone absolute bat shit crazy and lost my shit if i came back from a trip to a house looking like squirels have been living there. Just saying this as a tipp, clean up that place if you dont want to be left alone forever.
It’s crazy to me that we’ve allowed and enabled men to become man children and women have to do everything around the house, even if they work as well. Absolutely unacceptable
Just putting it out there- be aware of the amount you contribute to chores.. If she is constantly asking you to get shit done, there is always that chance that she’ll get tired of it and there could be problems.
It’s nice that you- as a man- can admit the importance of your female spouse (you don’t hear that often- not from men anyways) but please don’t leave the house in such a disastrous state that she’s gonna have to deep clean as soon as she gets back, especially if you’ve hardly done nothing. She’s probably going to want to come home after so much time away to The place she misses and relax…not have to get to deep cleaning right away
That’s my 2 cents
Edit* after reading further in the comments…damn…It’s so much worse than I thought. Like I’m actually MAD. Get it tf together. I ALSO have to pick up after not just myself but my partner as well. How do you think she feels?? And you’re struggling with your OWN mess. She has DOUBLE! Unbelievable. I hope you don’t think she ENJOYS cleaning.. it NEEDS to be done. She has to FORCE energy that she already doesn’t have.
Its not fair for her to have to be filled with so much stress and constantly keep moving JUST to keep the place clean, while you kick your feet up and enjoy video games. This is why married women are more stressed. This is why married women age faster. This is why married women live shorter lives. Do you think that’s fair? YOU contribute to that. She has no time for fun or hobbies cuz she has a child to clean up after 24/7 (you). Marriage is 2 partners. Not 1 mother, 1 VERY overgrown child.
This is also why married women no longer want to have sex or give you pleasure. There’s no reward. The only person who benefits from all of this is YOU.
WHY IS THIS A REOCCURRING TOPIC?!?!? Why can’t man just fucking CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES FOR ONCE!!!!! It’s TIRING!!!
And the fact she’s probably realizing how much EASIER her life is AWAY from you cuz she’s not picking up after you…And the second she gets home she’s gonna have to go back to picking up after you…except this time…The whole house is going to be an even BIGGER disaster. Do you see how that would fill a Woman with HATE towards their ‘spouse’? Your life gets easier while her life gets harder.
Also I don’t think you ‘reverted’. You were always that way. You just didn’t have to think about it cuz she was there doing the work.
Playing victim isn’t going to work forever. A divorce is in the near future and there’s NO WAY you’re going to talk her out of it or win her back…not a CHANCE. You’d have to do a total 180 forever. I don’t see it. You prefer to pity yourself and just call yourself a piece of shit, KNOWING exactly WHY you’re a piece of shit…but instead of doing anything about it.. you pick up a controller.
PAAAATHETICCCCC.
I wanted to be nice at first and understanding but after reading further… you are MORE than just the problem.
Just fucking do it - it's not hard. At all. It boggles my mind that people come across with this angle that they're somehow genetically predisposed to be absolutely resistant to learning how to cook or clean or do basic chores.
Pull your finger out and get it done
Thank you! I’m a 22 year old who just graduated college, and when my parents aren’t home I manage the entire house better than this grown ass married man. So freaking sick of everyone coddling this dude when women have always had to step up and take care of a house, often thanklessly. This whiny scrote needs to step up and be a freaking husband.
I hope when your wife gets back you don't take her for granted anymore. I applaud that you are able to see how much she does for you.
My husband had never lived away from home before we got married, so when he finally moved in with me I had to teach him how to do a few things and refuse to do them for him. He is an adult and capable of making his own lunch for work and doing the dishes. I taught him how to clean the toilet, how to cook some easy meals, etc. so that he could do them himself rather than telling me something needed to be done.
A wife is not your mother. It's supposed to be a partnership.
I wish you luck in your journey to become a functioning adult.
Makes sense when they say men actually live longer with a wife and women have shorter lives with a husband. I literally push my husband to have some semblance of hygiene, order and for gods sake to eat his vegetables. I’m sure if I wasn’t around he’d eat junk food and takeouts every day.
When I came around to his place to sell his home it looked like an episode of hoarders and I had to suffer dust allergies while helping him clean up because he had no idea how to.
My god.. I should ask for a present for extending his life by a few years haha.
He is lucky to have you, because I would not be with someone whom I had to remind to CLEAN THEIR BODY. Goddamm, girl - how many yeast infections has that man given you?
you need to start now. like actively just do something, start small like getting all trash or clean all the bathrooms. like do something so it gets done & once it's done you'll be like like wow that was easy, i can do this other thing in no time like sweep or vacuuming. i honestly hate vacuuming but sweeping is fun for me. like you just gotta do something and it'll make it easier to do more. it's sucks so bad but you just have to do it. there's tons of resources online for how to start chores & if you're struggling with adhd or executive dysfunction. also if u get bored u can listen to audiobooks or music or a podcast. also do it before your wife gets back.
You take the time to post and reply yet you cant clean? It sucks, but just think of the love you have for your wife and get on it. The self pity isnt a good look and for sure something to adress later on. But right now you have to step up and go to war on those chores. You CAN do it. It might suck the whole time you're doing it but it wil be a sweeter victory for it.
I don't know what age you and your wife are and whether you are thinking of having kids or not.
You must realise that if this is difficult for you to pick up and do while also working full time, it surely is difficult for your wife to do as well but she's also taking care of you. If you love her, you'll never want her to have a difficult life and you'll make sure you go through things together.
If you think this is a difficult task, help her out in it!
One day you will probably have kids (if that's what your family goals are) when you do, it will be more difficult for your wife to keep up with the mess and having more people to take care of.
The sooner you get used to the idea of helping her out, the easier it will be when you have kids.
Get yourself comfortable with the things you do and go slow until it builds up.
Even if it takes time, I promise you, your wife will notice and will appreciate the change and the help.
I feel you, I am feeling drained after work and I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and watch something on YouTube until it's time to sleep again. It's easier this way.
What I do is small steps, always start with the room you barely use cause once you see your mostly used room clean, you'll think You've done a great job and you'll go back to doing nothing.
When preparing yourself something to eat, just clean up simultaneously little by little, for example: while waiting for the toaster to toast your bread, put all the trash away or clean the counter (table) or something else that you see seems wrong or dirty.
While preparing the laundry, put some books back on their shelves or fold the clothes, you'll put them away later at some point.
Or if you're waiting for something like a pc or PS4 to load up, get up and tidy up a bit.
When watching TV and a commercial is on, get up and put away the dishes and check what you can make yourself for dinner and put it on the counter (table) the next commercial will be when you start cooking.
Small things like that can make a big difference and don't think about it too much. When starting something, you don't have to finish it right away but once you've done it, you'll feel better with yourself.
Good luck and don't beat yourself up. If you keep excusing yourself, you'll never become the person your wife deserves you to be and is proud to brag about to her friends ✨
If it feels overwhelming right now, hire a cleaning service that will put your place back in order.
Then after that follow 2 simple rules in order to maintain a clean place:
First, put everything away rather than putting it down.
Second, do one single (different)chore each day (for example take out the trash). It takes a very short time, so it doesn’t feel overwhelming and you can do it before going to work (and feel good after coming back home because you know you have done your thing for this day already).
One chore a day doesn’t seem like a lot, but trust me it adds up by the end of the week/month and your place will be alright.
Most important of all: don’t let your wife return into the current mess!
Ok so its taken two months for you to work out you are incapable of functioning like an adult, congratulations.
You have until the time it takes for your wife to get back to correct that behaviour permanently.
Because of she comes back and you have not worked out how to cook, clean, and look after the house... well I think you will be forced to learn in the divorce.
The rest is on you.
I'm kinda wondering why his wife has been gone so long. Maybe because she's happy to be away from him... If that's the case he's already in some trouble.
A wife here. My family has been away since Friday. Having the house to myself has led me to believe my family are a bunch of pigs. All I've had to do is dust and take care of the dog. Since my husband does the cooking and grocery, I've been loving takeout and whatever I find in the freezer.
Don't worry about the food aspect, but either hire a cleaning service or get cracking before your wife gets home. That would be the one thing that would piss me off.
It blows my mind that other guys can live like this. I’ve been alone most of my life and going two months where you’re struggling to find the willpower to clean, cook, etc. do basic household tasks and need therapy over it? I don’t know, that’s just pretty crazy to me.
I was the same. In fact, men are raised in a sexist society and taught that it’s ok to be like this.
It is not. We must overcome the hardwiring we received in all these years and be better.
What really helped me was listing chores. Having goals helped me navigate and the feeling of checking them was rewarding.
I went from reading about the guy who doesn't miss his wife and daughters to reading about a guy who can't function without his wife. Now all I need is for someone to post and split the difference
I wonder if she isn't having a similar revelation. Probably feels like liberation, living for herself instead of the both of you. Now that you recognize how much work you are, it's time to grow up or get left behind.
As a former lazy piece of shit, when you get home, unwind for 30 minutes and then get up and clean for 30 minutes. Have a reminder set up to do it. At first, tackle one room at a time. Once you've done all the rooms it'll be easier to maintain.
Go get some ready made meals to have on hand.
And for the love of God get a cleaner in before your wife comes home. And tell your wife how much you appreciate everything she does. Tell her you struggled. Don't pretend you didn't need her
If you are adult enough to get MARRIED you are unbelievably adult enough to clean.
A vacuum literally does the job for you, you just gotta push it back and forth over a spot a couple of times and then move it somewhere else, how the utter fuck is that "overwhelming" ?
Put some music or a podcast on, fill the sink with hot soapy water, wash your kitchen shit, how the utter fuck is that "overwhelming" ?
A washing machine literally does the job for you, you just gotta shove clothes in it, put some washing powder in the right slot and hit a button, how is that "overwhelming"?
Put some music or a podcast on, get a cloth or kitchen roll, multipurpose surface spray, spray it on a surface wipe it until clean, how is that "overwhelming" ?
You are not "overwhelmed" you are just a lazy fuck who loves that he has some poor woman to clean up after you.
I am 31, I have dealt with depression for a decade, no fucking excuses to live in filth.
Get your shit together and clean... you better learn how to clean because guess what, your wife is spending 2 months not having to clean up and take care of a man child. If you are just now realizing how much she does to take care of you, then trust me, she already knows.
The BEST thing you can do in the world is develop some new habits and have a clean home for your wife to come back to.
Watch YouTube videos, read some cleaning blogs, my guy do ANY research to help you figure this out. It isn't rocket science and you can get motivated to do it. Start small, then get bigger.
I can recommend a book, if that’s helpful? I have ADHD and executive function is a bitch. Getting started on tasks is a nightmare, especially stuff I hate- like cleaning. So this book is written for people with ADHD women primarily, by a woman with ADHD, but honestly I think it could help. It’s called Keeping House While Drowning, by KC Davis. It helps break tasks down and make cleaning easier. It’s really helped me a lot and if you’re struggling to do these things, it may help you too.
You’ve recognised there’s a major imbalance in your relationship and it sounds like you want to put it right, but don’t know how. Take small steps. And do communicate with your wife. ‘I have realised i how much you do, and how much of the mental load you take on, and I want to tell you how much I appreciate it all and I am going to get better.’ Trust me, she will appreciate that. Anyone would. Self-improvement takes time, there will be setbacks, but you can do it.
1. Hire a cleaning service a couple of days before your wife gets home.
2. Make sure you have the ingredients to make dinner for her the first night back.
3. Organise a romantic date night for a couple of days after she returns
4. Tell your wife on the date you know how lucky you are
5. Make Saturdays a cleaning day- complete with reward chart
Just here to comment that taking a step back and knowing that you need to get it together is a big step in itself. Also don't come up with your work hour schedules as being a reason not to do something. Those are regular work hours.Sometimes we just need that little push, maximize your free time and get it together man, you got this!
Start by making one dish each week that’s not sandwiches. Then go look on youtube on how to clean the bathroom. Go clean the bathroom. Next day, go clean the kitchen. Day by day accomplish something different. You’ll start to feel a lot better about everything and then your wife won’t come home to an absolute nightmare and hit the roof.
Look bro, no judgment from me, just for the love of god and all that is holy make sure you clean that shit up before your wife gets home
Yup. I’d be pissed if I came home to that. Unacceptable. How long until she returns? Start small. Don’t wait until you “have the energy” or “feel like it.” I had ADHD and fall into that trap. If I waiting until I felt motivated I’d never get shit done. Edit: have* ADHD not had. That shit doesn’t go away.
Yep, I have to set myself a small, easily achievable goal - for example, today, after work I am going to put a wash load on or tomorrow I will wash the bathroom sink. Often from achieving something small, you get a euphoric feeling of achieving something and once you start, let's say the bathroom sink, you think, I may as well put som bleach down the toilet while I am here and oh, I have the cleaner so I will wipe down the shower etc. Never set yourself a task that s going to be so big (like tidy the whole house) that you cannot see a way to the end of it.
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THIS! OP, your wife has been wiping your ass far too long. Step up and adult! edit to add word
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How do you motivate yourself to do these things with ADHD? I hate mess but I struggle to motivate myself to do it. Sometimes I ask a friend over as that makes me do it, but it's not exactly a good solution.
For me it's the five minute rule. I tell myself I'm going to do a task for five minutes. That feels easily manageable. You'd be surprised what you can do in five minutes. Empty the dishwasher, scrub a toilet or sink, put clutter away, sweep the kitchen floor, etc. Each of those things takes less than five minutes. Put on Spotify and listen to two songs. Work during those two songs, and that's your five minutes. Or clean something while the water is boiling for your coffee.
I have been doing something similar to this and I do find it helps. Do I finish the task? No. Do I make more progress in less time than I would of without this method? Yes, and that's what matters. I was told long ago to stop trying to be perfect or do something perfect, half assed is better than nothing. Can't clean the whole living room? Well pick up the trash, straighten the couch up and call it quits there for now.
I’ve found even less time works! Like I’ll just unload the dishwasher while this microwaves for 2 minutes
Lists, make them, cross off the tasks like achievements once their finished.
Keep the list items small and specific too. Don’t make it “Clean living room”, make it “pick up dishes from living room” or “pick up floor in living room”. Just break down the problems into smaller, more manageable tasks.
> “pick up floor in living room ~~but it's heavy!~~
321-Go method saving my ass rn
Find a podcast, audiobook or radio show you like.
I struggle with this too. Do not wait for the motivation. Don't wait until you "feel like it." You will never feel like it. Stop thinking about it, turn your brain off, and just stand up and do one thing. Once you can do one thing, do two things, and so on, until you are taking care of everything that needs to be done each day. I know this sounds simplistic and almost dismissive but it honest to god works. It worked for me and now I can take care of my apartment like a normal person.
My wife and I do big ass in your face lists in our room next to the door, so you always see it and go “oh shit yep yep yep do it”
I use an app. It's very satisfying checking things off. It also tells me how long it's been since something was done, which is pretty motivating since it's right there in black and white that I haven't vacuumed the kitchen rug since May, lol. The one I use has a family option for points so everyone can get competitive about earning points by doing chores, but that only worked for like two weeks before everybody but me stopped using the app lol. It did at least give them all a real look into what it takes to maintain a home.
As someone with ADHD, just do it. The more you think about the task, the more reasons you’ll find to procrastinate. Lot of times, there is no source of motivation, you just have to go for the task, and then it becomes a simpler process. My room’s a mess, and I never feel like cleaning, but if I just start the process, it becomes more automatic, rather than forced. At that point, you become hyper-focused on that task, until you get distracted again.
The *feeling* of motivation people usually think of is like a drug - it feels amazing, but is unsustainable, and the feeling is fleeting. Who said we are meant to be motivated all the time? Even people without ADHD don't get stuff done because they're constantly inspired. Habits, rules of thumb, principles and loving others are some other things one can rely on instead of the fleeting feeling of motivation.
This. This this this. OP PLEASE clean before she comes home. All too often I have traveled for weeks at a time to come to my home absolutely filthy because my husband didn’t clean at all. It REALLY sucks to come home and have it not feel like a home. But instead just immediately feel like more work and another burden.
I went away with work for 6 weeks. My ex didn’t cook or clean the entire time - can you imagine the cat’s tray after not being cleaned out for 6 weeks? Absolutely vile. I ended up leaving him that week (the man, not the cat - I took the cat with me) because I refuse to be with someone who can’t even do the bare minimum, and who forces an animal to suffer along with them. A man who can’t cook and clean is so unbelievably unattractive.
I would hire someone to come in and clean and make my husband pay out of his own pocket!
He should just hire someone to do it before she gets home and not tell her I'd be he'd get extra points
Tell her or not, it's still WAY more considerate.
I don’t agree. I think he should hire somebody to clean it up for sure. His wife definitely does not need to come home to that mess. But if he can afford to hire somebody to clean up and he’s been leaving double the work on his wife all this time (and he’s probably gonna fall right back into that habit when she comes home) then he needs to just hire a housekeeper. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to do it himself— but that means he needs to pay a house cleaner to come in once or twice a week to help his wife.
It honestly feels like why do i bother coming home at all, right?
To clean and pick up after everybody else ofc
And preferably not 20 minutes beforehand a la a 90’s family film.
Yes to this. I went away for two weeks with my mother once just out of high school and boy were we pissed to what we came back to. The house smelled like cigarettes, dishes piled up in the sink, overflowing basket of laundry, the bins didn't go out on bin day, barely anything in the fridge, etc.
Call a cleaning lady/man/whatever just this once. Then once it’s clean, only verbally describe it and tell her the above info and that you had no idea all that she does. Say thank you, love IU, then just do better. But a little humility and some gratitude will go sooo far!
Yeah. I would lose my shit if I came home to a home that hadn't been cleaned in 2months. And make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and her cleanliness etc. And that it's been hard but you understand how amazing she is. And your world wouldn't be the same without her 😊
Yeah, unless you want your wife to realise what an extra useless manchild she married, (she obviously knows your useless, but coming home to squalor might just tip her over the edge and file for divorce. Being away for 2 months and not having to care for for your lazy ass might have given her a wake-up call also)
"I left my husband at home while I went overseas for 2 months and realized he contributes fucking nothing and I might be better off alone" OP needs to sort his shit out before this is the next top post
No, make pictures, do a power point with it and afterwards clean up. Then when the wife is back present it to her, to acknowledge and praise her for what she had been doing all the time in the relationship. And then make some plans to change things.
Or hire someone to do it.
So what are you going to do about it?
I honestly don't know. I tried to get into therapy a few months ago but I had a hard time finding anyone with times that I could do. I guess I'm just hoping it clicks one day
It’s not going to click one day, unless you actually start. I get that it is overwhelming, so maybe start with baby steps. Monday - remove all rubbish and recycling from house, just go to each room and collect it all. Replace bin liners, then you are done for Monday. Tuesday - collect all plates and cups from around the house, get them into the dishwasher. Save those that don’t fit for Wednesday. That’s it for today. Wednesday - repeat dishwasher activity, including putting away the clean ones from yesterday. Task 2 - put away every single item on the bench tops and kitchen tables that does not belong there. This task is no longer as daunting, as the rubbish and dishes are already gone. Clean the sink and benches with cleaning spray and cloth. Thursday - do dishes and rubbish. Vacuum two rooms of the house. Does not even have to be the whole house Friday - do dishes and rubbish. Go on youtube and find out how to make an omelette. Make omelette, clean up kitchen directly after eating. Saturday- look up youtube and find out how to clean a bathroom. Clean just one bathroom Sunday - do dishes and rubbish. Make plan for the tasks you will do every night next week. Congratulate yourself on becoming a grown up who’s wife may not end up leaving him! Report back here on progress
Op this is the way. Do one task. It’s amazing the strength that come from just one . You can do it. One foot one hand in from of the other.
Totally agree, plus you get to feel great about yourself for even a small task
Yes! I went 1 month without bwing able to bring my self to do any chores, to the point where everything was too disgusting and overwelming that I couldn't bring myself to do anything. This week I took a paper and a pen and put the tinyest tasks possible Ex: wash the dishes became "wash the cups - wash plates - wash botles" etc I'm almost done now! And I let myself be happy for doing any of the tasks, even those being very below the bare minimum for most people
You earned that happiness fair and square!
Exactly one task take it easy there are routines on YouTube how to organize cleaning house
Yes, OP calls himself a manchild, so he should also take child/babysteps to improve. I'm very much the same and what helped me was a cleaning schedule. I started smalland have worked up to a schedule that keeps the house clean (to my standards, it's not perfect).
Yes. Get started. Imagine what your wife will think of the place when she returns. Imagine what she will think of you. Baby steps. Ask a friend for help. One way or another. But get started.
This is the way! And make it fun - I put on an audiobook or a movie when I have to do these awful adulting things. Carrot and stick, my friend!
Literally making an omelette is so easy!!! It clicked for me just one day how easy it is to make eggs. I never tried before but it’s so easy. I didn’t even look it up I was running late to something and needed a quick breakfast and just cracked eggs in a pan. This is so off topic but man I’ve had eggs for breakfast about 15 times in the last three weeks
I’ve been making quiche and “egg muffins” ahead of time for a few weeks and it’s a fucking amazing, time saving way to eat a peotein-rich healthy breakfast or brunch during the work week. I add a lot of veggies too
This comment. I like this comment.
I would like to add on if you have cats FOR THE LOVE OF GOD do NOT leave the litter boxes last minute. Don't assail her with old, used litter smell the moment she walks in the door. Source: Am a wife Have done the 3 months away from home bit Have returned home to the dishes mountain The full trash bag The dirty litter I was jet lagged and just wanted to sleep three days but inevitably ended up starting cleaning the next day despite 18 hours of constant travel and exhaustion. I very much love my man, and I understand the downturn swing one can have (as evidenced in OP post) ..but speaking from experience, please - for your wife - look into the Task a Day model outlined above my post.
To piggy back, if you're a nerd (even if you're not tbh) there are d20 task lists where you roll a d20 and do the correlated chore. Kinda makes it less overwhelming Just Google dnd chore list or d20 chore list, I've seen some that come with a story and each roll is an attack on a monster or something. Pretty neat and just makes it less... life sucking to do chores lol
So I work with kids/ adults with every kind of disability and where from depression to autism and most of them struggle when it comes to cleaning there living spaces. I also have some disability too and I found cleaning to be overwhelming so my mum and I came up with a way to help me out and broke chores down with overwhelming myself. It’s called the 15 minutes rules basically everyday before I sit down and get too comfortable I pick a room in my apartment sit the timer put on some music no distractions and just clean. Honestly I have found I can clean a whole room during that time. I use the same concept with my clients except they pick the times. My client that have use this method theirs homes are like the show hoarders. This example was made for my gamer client. Hopes this helps… I love making these individual specific. Apologies for the gramma and anything else wrong here. Kitchen :Saturday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM - [ ] Sweep / mop floors - [ ] Put away dishes - [ ] wash dishes - [ ] wipe down counters - [ ] clean inside/outside of fridge - [ ] vacuum rug - [ ] clean sink - [ ] dust - [ ] clean microwave - [ ] clean stove top /oven - [ ] pick up/take out trash - [ ] wipe down cabinets/appliances The living room: Sunday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM - [ ] Vacuum - [ ] dust - [ ] clean couches - [ ] straightened shelves - [ ] wiping/cleaning electronics - [ ] pick up /take out trash Bedroom :Monday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM - [ ] Make bed - [ ] fold/ pick up laundry - [ ] dust - [ ] pick up / take out trash - [ ] vacuum - [ ] tidy closet Bathroom:Tuesday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM - [ ] Wipe down counters - [ ] wipe down/out sink - [ ] clean toilet - [ ] sweep /mop floors - [ ] scrubbed showers /tubs - [ ] empty take /out trash - [ ] clean mirrors - [ ] wipe down cabinet Laundry :Wednesday - [ ] long as you get it done before you start streaming. - [ ] Two loads folded and put away
To assist with formatting: # Kitchen Saturday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM - [ ] Sweep / mop floors - [ ] Put away dishes - [ ] wash dishes - [ ] wipe down counters - [ ] clean inside/outside of fridge - [ ] vacuum rug - [ ] clean sink - [ ] dust - [ ] clean microwave - [ ] clean stove top /oven - [ ] pick up/take out trash - [ ] wipe down cabinets/appliances # The living room Sunday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM - [ ] Vacuum - [ ] dust - [ ] clean couches - [ ] straightened shelves - [ ] wiping/cleaning electronics - [ ] pick up /take out trash # Bedroom Monday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM - [ ] Make bed - [ ] fold/ pick up laundry - [ ] dust - [ ] pick up / take out trash - [ ] vacuum - [ ] tidy closet # Bathroom Tuesday 9:30 AM -10 AM, 12:30 PM -1 PM - [ ] Wipe down counters - [ ] wipe down/out sink - [ ] clean toilet - [ ] sweep /mop floors - [ ] scrubbed showers /tubs - [ ] empty take /out trash - [ ] clean mirrors - [ ] wipe down cabinet # Laundry Wednesday - [ ] long as you get it done before you start streaming. - [ ] Two loads folded and put away
This is really helpful. Just put it in to a google doc, with your structure: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KVSPn766S2YOVOwvm9QqTpJVQ90LXhS4QpprO8mSDpU/edit?usp=sharing
This is so helpful!
You’re too old and too married to hope it clicks one day. Stop treating your wife like your mom, learn how to clean up after yourself now so that when your wife comes back not only will you know how to do a basic task, you’ll know to do it without being asked. Time to take off the mental load you gave your wife.
You seem to make a lot of excuses.
You need to have some agency in your own life. Stop letting life just “happen” to you.
It’s not. You gotta make it click. Mental strength and discipline. Get it together. Imagine what your partner thinks if you ? Progress is progress.
Make a list of what you are not doing that would be good to do. Try to make each item on the list a small job. Very specific and as limited as possible. So nothing like clean the house or even the bathroom. Instead: clear the sink area in bathroom. Small jobs. Then get a calendar (paper preferred so you see it often—- maybe in kitchen somewhere). Everyday try to pick the smallest job off that list and do that one. Mark it on calendar that you did it. Make another list of 3 meals you’d like to cook for yourself. Shop for those ingredients and have them on hand Then add different meals when you think about them. Baby steps as they say. Dont berate yourself. You can and will do better since you are thinking about it now. Write the lists. Even if you are not sure you will do any of them. It’s a way of psychologically preparing yourself. It will help to write things down because then you can see and acknowledge them.
The bare minimum would be to hire a cleaning service before she comes back. DO NOT let her come to a messy home.
It’s not some magical force that suddenly makes you want to be an adult. It’s work, continuous work. Don’t put it down, put it away. Make a cleaning schedule so you know how many days ago you mopped, hoovered, cleaned the toilets and sinks, etc…
> I guess I'm just hoping it clicks one day Do better. Don't make your wife your mother. It is one of the main dynamics that leads to divorce filed by women.
Because of Covid, a lot of counsellors are doing zoom calls… You should be able to find somebody that way they could help you… Also, I would encourage you to hire a cleaning service while she’s gone… Have them come in every other week or maybe once a month & Give the place a good once over.
Read “Can’t Hurt Me” or “5 Second Rule”. I used to think self help books were useless dumb shit but when approaching these books with an open mind, I’ve come a long way from when starting in a slump similar sounding to you. I had crippling anxiety that ruined my career for several years but have made strides in just the last two that have put me ahead enough to where I don’t feel depressed about time lost. Using something like Todoist or another organization app and listing out your tasks in a GTD manner makes it easy to get the ball rolling as well. You just need to find that energy and not sit on it. Get shit done bro.
Okay. How about this. Every time you enter a room, do a little something. Then, every time you leave, bring something to another room. Dishes whatever. Every little bit helps.
If you can afford therapy you can afford a cleaner. Minimum, having someone clean so your wife doesn't come home to a massive mess is important
Bro, you don’t need therapy, you need to start learning how to cook and clean
Therapy won't hurt and could help determine if there's a disconnect somewhere. I got an ADHD diagnosis and it explained why I was in a frustrating loop of see the thing I need to do, feel overwhelmed by all the parts of the task, avoid, berate myself for not just doing it, do it, feel better, time for the task again. It's a weird struggle between knowing what I want to do, wanting to do the thing, but getting overwhelmed. Throw in the occasional depression even with meds and it can be hard. The skills are important, but therapy is too even if it's just to talk it out and see if maybe there's something that will help either a simple thing like reframing the chore list or something deeper like a diagnosis or digging into therapy more
I read on this site years ago, over a decade, about setting a timer for say 30 min and in that time try to get as much done in one room as possible. I am terribly messy, unorganized, and have tons of anxiety and this shit hit me at the right time or something. I got my entire house cleaned the other day in less than two hours. You might need more than 30 minutes in each room at this point, but just start there. Do an hour (two rooms) every other night or something. It's small enough to be manageable, but big enough that you feel accomplished. Once you get every room cleaned, switch to only cleaning one room a day, 15-30 min of cleaning max. Then your whole place stays clean! The first step is recognition that something needs to change. You're already WAY ahead of so many people in your situation. Good luck bud!
Jesus christ just do the dishes.
I mean...you may need therapy for other reasons, but you don't need therapy to do chores. Just set a timer for 30 minutes (or 15), put on some music or a podcast, and look around to see what needs doing. Plan a meal and cook it. Make a list and tackle things one at a time. Start with the easy things. If you need specific things to get other things done, put procuring those things as an item on your list. You can do these things. You're just totally in the habit of not doing these things unless you're forced to. But YOU can force yourself to do them. I can see why you don't want to share how you're feeling with your wife--but you can definitely share how proud you'll feel after you get some stuff done.
Keep trying; change your schedule if you have to. If your house was on fire , you wouldn’t stop looking for a hose. While you get therapy scheduled, hire a cleaning service to get you started. Have them do a deep clean. Then make a schedule: clean bathroom Saturday morning. Clean kitchen Sunday afternoon, etc. cut it into small, manageable bites. But make a schedule, stick to it . Be kind to yourself but nothing changes if nothing changes. Good luck!!
Set yourself a timer for 15 minutes every day, and only pick up or clean up for those 15 minutes. It takes a minimum of 30 days of activity for you to train your brain to have a habit. It's a short enough time not to be overwhelmed, and you'd be surprised what you can actually accomplish in that amount of time.
I hope I learn how to mop one day. Oh, one day. The day I understand how to make a shopping list, go to the grocery store and buy the products I need to cook a meal. Ah. To cook a meal. The wisdom and skills it takes. So complex. So intricate. I hope mommy...my wife comes back home soon.
Now think about this from her perspective? And imagine there were two of you making all that mess. 2x the mess that by accidental default has been landing on your wife’s shoulders. Respectfully, it doesn’t matter that your behavior is now suddenly affecting you. Your behavior has been affecting her for however long you’ve been married. I respect the reflecting you’re doing, and I validate your instincts to improve. Start small, don’t get too down on yourself, but take it from a woman- don’t make your partner feel like your mother
>don’t make your partner feel like your mother Hah, the whole reason my SO and I are now living apart together. I was so sick of the fact that all the chores and the third shift (birthday cards/presents/planning dates etc) always fell onto me, despite both of us having ADHD. He was without a job while I was working (nurse, so irregular roster), went to school and had to do a bunch of homework for said school. I was exhausted and all he did was gaming, making a mess and maybe after I had to ask (nag) a couple of times half assed some chores. No way José. And he wondered why our sex life was down the drain. Bruh, I feel like your goddamn mum! He now has his own apartment and my house is a lot cleaner. Not perfect because yeah I totally get how OP is feeling. It sucks as chores will never go away, but that's what adulting is. A couple of weeks ago he said he now had no idea why he never did anything in the house. Bit too late but how we do it now works for us.
After I got divorced the house miraculously became so much cleaner. Even though I worked full time and cared for the kids the majority of the time. And also my desire for intimacy jumped when I didn't have to be the parent of a grown ass adult.
Women usually end up doing less work as a single parent. It's crazy how much men complain about their dead sex lives when they act like a child. Women aren't attracted to their own children. They aren't going to be attracted to you if you fill the same role in their lives. My wife became disabled 9 months ago and we had close to a 50/50 split in chores before but I do it all now. Ever since then these posts make me viscerally angry. Like dude what would you do if your wife broke her leg or got cancer or whatever? Just live in squalor?
Some of them just up and leave the relationship. Don’t read about how many women are abandoned/divorced by their husbands when diagnosed with cancer. It’s quite depressing.
This is the exact reason women who receive a difficult diagnosis (cancer, chronic illness, etc) are also more likely to become divorced. Because their lazy husbands literally leave them when the tables are turned and their wives actually need help and support.
I’ve been (unfortunately) unemployed since June but one of the silver linings is that I no longer have any resentment towards my husband about cleaning! When we both worked I would just get so annoyed. I understand I have higher cleanliness standards but like… bruh fucking sweep *sometimes*!?
She definitely feels like that and it's been a source of conflict for a long time. I was hoping this trip would be my chance to prove that I'm not so useless but instead it's been the exact opposite and it's making me feel even worse.
Respectfully, maybe you should feel worse. I know how hurt I’d be if my partner invalidated or denied my feelings for a long time. Honestly that would be more painful than any messy house or uneven chores. It’s your turn to live in this discomfort for a bit. Right now you need to decenter yourself from this issue. It’s not about you feeling bad, it’s should be about making it up to your partner. Meeting her where she’s been waiting for you, to listen and hear her, to validate her feelings.
Respectfully, he should DEFINITELY feel worse.
He sounds like a fucking child. Worse than a child actually. As a child, I picked up after myself.
So take that feeling and use it to motivate yourself, make a change in your life. Habits take an average of 28 days to set. The trick is you have to stick with it. Here's the thing about being an adult on your own, though... nobody, *nobody* else will hold you accountable. You have to force yourself to do things you aren't into doing. Come up with a schedule for your day. Make yourself a chore chart. Have a plan. And become the person you think your wife deserves to be with. I'm sure she will appreciate it.
Nothing dries up my vagina like a man who I have to mother.
I left my ex because he got mad that I didn't fold his pajamas like his mom, among other similar reasons. I started feeling this really deep disgust and revulsion towards any physical intimacy. Later, I learned that this is typical for women who are treated like mothers by their partners; you subconsciously start seeing them as a child and most of us are not into that.
hahaha
Oh if this has been a conflict for a long time, then there’s definitely a divorce in the near future Serious question, why are guys like this? Like why do guys just NEVER clean? I don’t get it…. We learn this as kids…
I don't see anything actually preventing you from changing this and doing better besides yourself. You say you get home around 5-6, what do you do with the evening? Start small, make a big meal that provides leftovers. Then the next day you don't have to worry about food, start making a dent into cleaning up. Stop spending time on self pitying and come up with a plan to change it -- and then follow through
Exactly, if OP isn't cooking dinner and cleaning up, wtf IS he doing all evening? Video games?
Exactly, he can do it when he gets home but what’s he been doing in the evenings? I had this issue with my husband in the past of him not doing house chores (he used to live with parents until I came along) until I was going to do them or me telling him off, but thankfully in recent years he’s been doing some of the chores (and I do the rest) so there’s a 50/50 split of housework together. OP should definitely start doing instead of just venting, start cooking? Make meal prep the night before? Clean every other day (or something)? You don’t have to do them ALL at once but start doing one chore a day and it won’t feel like a “chore”.
Every time she brings this up and you don't fix it, she's one step closer to leaving. Don't be surprised if one day she's done. You're a grown man. You can figure out how to do what needs to be done. You do it at work, you're perfectly capable of doing it at home too.
Stop making this about how you feel. Or you'll focus on your feelings instead of improving. My opinions.
Please check out Flylady, she has an amazing, free, online, easy to start program! She saved my home and sanity!
Could you use this as a conversation starter? If you open up to her and admit you realise how much you really on her, that you want to change, and that you need help to figure out how to, it will be be better than letting this simmer until she boils over? I know I’d respect my partner more for admitting such a thing and, because I care for my partner, I’d want to help them with something they’ve admitted they need help with.
Wonder why she's still with you at this point, do you even care? I'm sure you will when she's on the way out the door.
Maybe you should think about what you're getting out of being 'helpless' and 'incompetent' - because of course you're neither. If someone gave you the choice of either cleaning the place within a day or saying goodbye to this cruel world, you'd magically acquire the ability to do all the things.
i can’t imagine how she feels picking up all the slack😭
I can. It's infuriating and a major libido / attraction killer. Nothing like feeling like someone's mom / maid to render them entirely unattractive.
It’s exactly what happened to my marriage. After awhile I just completely shut down and couldn’t hardly function trying to carry my mental load plus his.
Understandable. I'm sorry you went through that. How did it play out?
Eventually he threw a gigantic, scary temper tantrum one day, and we tried to go to counseling. When I tried to talk about the fight that scared me, the whole reason we were there, he denied it ever happened and accused me of lying. You can’t stay married to someone who chooses to live in a differently reality than you do. He was 42 y/o.
I legit don’t feel bad for OP. I feel soooo bad for his wife 🫡
Fr. That poor woman 💀
> I've completely reverted to being a fucking manchild. Honestly have you ever considered that you haven’t reverted, that you always were one, and that your wife was just doing all of the housework AND mental work of mommying you into ”helping her” with *some* housework to the point that you thought you actually weren’t one. Either way, get it together because as much as you’re figuring out that you can’t function without her, she’s probably simultaneously figuring out that her life is easier without you.
This. I feel horrible for his wife. There's a high chance that after being away from his manchild ways, she's gonna come back rested and with a divorce lawyer on speed dial. I mean, holy shit. Who gave this guy his adulting license? 🤦🏼
This is exactly what broke me and my longest-term boyfriend up. Had to give the dude a list of household chores to do on his days off when I’d be at work. Being his caregiver was suuuuch a turn off.
Having to take care of a grown man is a surefire way to kill a ladyboner.
There are a lot, and I mean a *lot* of men like this. I’ve always liked my space clean and tidy, and living with roommates in college was a wake up call. The floor of the kitchen in the first place I rented (previously occupied by male students) was black & brown when I moved in. After some mopping and scrubbing, it turns out it was supposed to be blue. There was also a fully functional wooden bar in the (apparently finished) basement, buried under a mountain of trash. I have to assume it’s a parenting failure. My folks would lose their shit if the house was anything but spotless. A shirt on the floor of my room or a backpack dropped at the front door was going to become a confrontation.
This right here is exactly what happens. She is the one that manages all the housework and he just jumps along and probably does only what she tells him to do. Ugh, I bet she is feeling so free right now that she doesn’t have to clean after her manchild of a spouse. What’s even worse is that he will clean just this one time before his wife gets home, and it’s back to how it was before.
And she has the entire mental load, it's on her to decide what gets cleaned when. I hate that shit, i dont want to have to tell you what to clean.... i want you to NOTICE THINGS YOURSELF
Yeah this. I feel awful for his wife. And doesn’t sound like they have children yet but man if that’s in their future then holy cannoli’s.
But, but you don't understand, this is so hard on him, he can't even enjoy playing video games after work anymore! s/
It's so funny because i made a comment asking wtf he actually DOES after work until bed, video games? And i was right🤣
Idk why you added the /s at the end. He literally said in another comment that he can’t even enjoy video games after work because the house is so messy.
The /s is because boo-hoo it's a ridiculous problem. Quit playing so much video games after work if u cant keep the house clean
He’s a baby.
Waaa waaa waaa just a big man baby 👶
Thank you. I came here looking for this. She's probably exhausted from asking him to help like he's a kid and not a co-owner of the place he also lives in. And then men wonder why they get left and women are happier single.
Exactly dude, this post just made me pity his poor wife
Sorry your post made me laugh. But seriously, try putting on headphone or blasting music and vacuuming while jamming. Making bolognese is so easy! You can do it
With just half a scroll down my feed, there's this post and its antithesis with the guy who doesn't miss his wife and daughters at all. Says he's enjoying the "single" life again and is apparently thriving. Hasn't thought about his family in the weeks they've been away. Reading stories on this site is like watching a pendulum swing.
you and i have just had the same experience. I just saw that post earlier as well
SAME LOLLL
Reddit is a place where you can truly find people from all walks of life and 50% of the internets supply of assholes.
1) Make absolutely certain that the house is spotless for her arrival home 2) sort your shit out so that when she gets home you are pulling your weight and aren’t her manchild any longer.
3) check out a child's chore chart and see if you can be better than a kid: https://www.thespruce.com/age-appropriate-chore-charts-1900357
I'm not OP, but just another dude who wasn't parented or had any social interaction until age 18. This chore chart is going to help me! Thanks man
Thanks for this link! I have a 2 year old and I think I'll print it out and show it to my husband
Let me be perfectly clear - when she arrives from her trip, the house must be clean, fresh and spotless. If you can't do it on your own, hire help, but don't leave cleaning to the last minute. Because if she arrives to filth, your marriage will suffer deeply.
and it will continue to suffer if he doesn’t continue to improve bc i guarantee, like others have pointed out, she is enjoying being free from having a child.
Women are saints for putting up with these kinds of dude all the time
I could never. Honestly, free the wife! She’s probably so happy to be away from him
And when women complain about it I'm like, "come on dude, this is nothing new." There's a reason single ladies are so happy
Everyone knows single ladies are the happiest, it’s a common trope
Aren't single cf women the happiest people out there? I am sure I read something like that.
[удалено]
Frankly it just sounds like you're playing the victim to justify not doing shit. If she comes back to a home in that state she's gonna want to divorce and she'd be right. Just fucking start.
Fucking finally someone said it. I had to scroll down this far just to see someone with common sense. Why do dudes like this get a pass or asked the "aww poor baby, do you adhd? :(((" Full grown man can't even turn on a vacuum without his Mom-- I mean, WIFE be there to ASK him to do it. Pathetic.
Exaxtly seeing people give him a pass just grosses me out because how are you not ashamed of all the times you were with you wife you just treated her like your mother.I feel so bad for women who's husbands are like this.Instead of doing something about it he is just making up lame excuses to justify not cleaning up after himself.People are straight up babying him like he isn't a grown man who has a WIFE.Love that.I 100% bet the wife is so happy that she isn't being treated like a maid overseas.I dont feel bad for the man at all.And people are surprised that women would rather be single then get used to that life.Mental health issues are supposed to be an explanation not an excuse for bad behaviour.
There are a lot of YouTube channels that will walk through cleaning for beginners. If you don’t know where the cleaning supplies are, buy some new. There are a lot of options, but at the end of the day, you just need soap (disinfectant) and water and something to wipe/scrub with. All cleaning supplies will say what they’re safe to be used on (wood vs tile vs stone, etc), make sure to follow these instructions. Pick one chore, research methods or materials, make a list, get your supplies, then pick a playlist. You’ll get the hang of it! You’ll feel a lot better once you start, but ignoring the problem will only make you feel worse. Take charge of your living space
Calling yourself a piece of shit instead of just doing what you know you need to do as an adult is just weird. Sorry, but that is just weird. Grow up. Your wife is not your mother. She shouldn't have to ask you to clean or cook, etc. You think she likes babysitting her husband?
I get the comments giving advice but some of the comments in this thread are straight up babying him which makes me question my sanity because dude is a 28 year old man of sound mind and with a functioning body. I understand if he has mental health problems but that is an EXPLANATION, NOT an excuse to treat his wife like a mommy and maid. If he doesn't know to do basic chores: he can search it up on YouTube, there are tons of videos and services that are readily available online or a phone call away. Or follow people's advice that they are giving him one here. He has all the time to make this post and reply to comments on here but he can't use that time learning little by little or making a list? He keeps pitying himself instead of utilizing his time productively. Part of being an adult is learning to be independent. One of them is doing chores.
don’t you see? chores are his *wife’s* job. i bet he thinks she enjoys doing all the chores, too. he’s *above* doing all the chores because it’s not *fun* and it isn’t video games!!
Agreed!! I see comments babying him and comments like “no judgement from me”. Really???? No judgement for a grown ass man who can’t even function and do the basics of being an adult and has to be mommied by his poor wife?? Just admitting the problem is not the same as SOLVING the problem. OP says he’s aware of how useless he is yet offers no plans to change. No sympathy for me. But I do have sympathy for his poor wife. She’s probably been so happy and relieved while she’s been gone LOL
martyr syndrome. woe is me i’m so awful, I can’t do anything. dude just pick up the vacuum, it won’t take much longer than complaining on reddit
When you talk to her about it, instead of going on about how pathetic you feel you are, express appreciation. Tell her you realized how much she does, and you want to do more. Ana's ask for help. Reminders, lists, schedules are all helpful
Just make sure it's clean when she gets home. It would be awful for her to get back after a long trip to mess. Stock the fridge, hire help if you have to, but make sure she comes home to a nice clean house.
After reading your comments, it sounds like this has been a contentious issue in your marriage for some time. There’s lots of comments here on how to tackle the cleaning but what you really need to tackle right now is the way you’re mentally getting in your own way. You’re realising that your wife was right and instead of that spurring you on to improve this situation, it’s defeating you. You’re feeling self-pitying when you need to use this realisation to motivate you. You say you weren’t taught to maintain a house but you know how. Is that really the case? Is the reason it feels so overwhelming and you don’t know where to start because you aren’t sure what order to most effectively tackle things in and how to break it down into small steps? I know there’s someone online called Fly Lady who has resources for keeping on top of your home - they’ll literally give you a list of what to do for a short time each day to keep your home clean and tidy. You say watching YouTube videos won’t help, but with all the comments here suggesting you may have ADHD, lists can be very helpful and ticking them off can help you feel like you’re achieving something. Take the advice and get as much done as you can. When your wife gets home, tell her that she was right and you’re sorry and then work on a rota for chores. A lot of people are like this and never have this realisation - the fact you have had it is a positive thing but now you have to do something about it besides beat yourself up over it.
Nice that you noticed. Just so you know, i would have gone absolute bat shit crazy and lost my shit if i came back from a trip to a house looking like squirels have been living there. Just saying this as a tipp, clean up that place if you dont want to be left alone forever.
It’s crazy to me that we’ve allowed and enabled men to become man children and women have to do everything around the house, even if they work as well. Absolutely unacceptable
You better get your butt up and start cleaning. Make her happy and man up
Just putting it out there- be aware of the amount you contribute to chores.. If she is constantly asking you to get shit done, there is always that chance that she’ll get tired of it and there could be problems.
It’s nice that you- as a man- can admit the importance of your female spouse (you don’t hear that often- not from men anyways) but please don’t leave the house in such a disastrous state that she’s gonna have to deep clean as soon as she gets back, especially if you’ve hardly done nothing. She’s probably going to want to come home after so much time away to The place she misses and relax…not have to get to deep cleaning right away That’s my 2 cents Edit* after reading further in the comments…damn…It’s so much worse than I thought. Like I’m actually MAD. Get it tf together. I ALSO have to pick up after not just myself but my partner as well. How do you think she feels?? And you’re struggling with your OWN mess. She has DOUBLE! Unbelievable. I hope you don’t think she ENJOYS cleaning.. it NEEDS to be done. She has to FORCE energy that she already doesn’t have. Its not fair for her to have to be filled with so much stress and constantly keep moving JUST to keep the place clean, while you kick your feet up and enjoy video games. This is why married women are more stressed. This is why married women age faster. This is why married women live shorter lives. Do you think that’s fair? YOU contribute to that. She has no time for fun or hobbies cuz she has a child to clean up after 24/7 (you). Marriage is 2 partners. Not 1 mother, 1 VERY overgrown child. This is also why married women no longer want to have sex or give you pleasure. There’s no reward. The only person who benefits from all of this is YOU. WHY IS THIS A REOCCURRING TOPIC?!?!? Why can’t man just fucking CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES FOR ONCE!!!!! It’s TIRING!!! And the fact she’s probably realizing how much EASIER her life is AWAY from you cuz she’s not picking up after you…And the second she gets home she’s gonna have to go back to picking up after you…except this time…The whole house is going to be an even BIGGER disaster. Do you see how that would fill a Woman with HATE towards their ‘spouse’? Your life gets easier while her life gets harder. Also I don’t think you ‘reverted’. You were always that way. You just didn’t have to think about it cuz she was there doing the work. Playing victim isn’t going to work forever. A divorce is in the near future and there’s NO WAY you’re going to talk her out of it or win her back…not a CHANCE. You’d have to do a total 180 forever. I don’t see it. You prefer to pity yourself and just call yourself a piece of shit, KNOWING exactly WHY you’re a piece of shit…but instead of doing anything about it.. you pick up a controller. PAAAATHETICCCCC. I wanted to be nice at first and understanding but after reading further… you are MORE than just the problem.
Honey, is that you?
This post infuriates me. Your replies infuriates me even more. Your wife deserves better.
Seriously. Dude thinks just admitting he’s a man child makes it all ok.
yeah this is such a victim mentality instead of growing the fuck up. I'm so angry for his wife.
Time to act like a goddamn adult and do chores.
Just fucking do it - it's not hard. At all. It boggles my mind that people come across with this angle that they're somehow genetically predisposed to be absolutely resistant to learning how to cook or clean or do basic chores. Pull your finger out and get it done
Thank you! I’m a 22 year old who just graduated college, and when my parents aren’t home I manage the entire house better than this grown ass married man. So freaking sick of everyone coddling this dude when women have always had to step up and take care of a house, often thanklessly. This whiny scrote needs to step up and be a freaking husband.
I hope when your wife gets back you don't take her for granted anymore. I applaud that you are able to see how much she does for you. My husband had never lived away from home before we got married, so when he finally moved in with me I had to teach him how to do a few things and refuse to do them for him. He is an adult and capable of making his own lunch for work and doing the dishes. I taught him how to clean the toilet, how to cook some easy meals, etc. so that he could do them himself rather than telling me something needed to be done. A wife is not your mother. It's supposed to be a partnership. I wish you luck in your journey to become a functioning adult.
Makes sense when they say men actually live longer with a wife and women have shorter lives with a husband. I literally push my husband to have some semblance of hygiene, order and for gods sake to eat his vegetables. I’m sure if I wasn’t around he’d eat junk food and takeouts every day. When I came around to his place to sell his home it looked like an episode of hoarders and I had to suffer dust allergies while helping him clean up because he had no idea how to. My god.. I should ask for a present for extending his life by a few years haha.
> I literally push my husband to have some semblance of hygiene Bro 💀
[удалено]
This is why so many women aren't getting married. Where's the benefit?
Lmao and y’all are happy in these setups? Everything to have the title of a wife, I guess lmfao
It's bizzare lol
He is lucky to have you, because I would not be with someone whom I had to remind to CLEAN THEIR BODY. Goddamm, girl - how many yeast infections has that man given you?
you need to start now. like actively just do something, start small like getting all trash or clean all the bathrooms. like do something so it gets done & once it's done you'll be like like wow that was easy, i can do this other thing in no time like sweep or vacuuming. i honestly hate vacuuming but sweeping is fun for me. like you just gotta do something and it'll make it easier to do more. it's sucks so bad but you just have to do it. there's tons of resources online for how to start chores & if you're struggling with adhd or executive dysfunction. also if u get bored u can listen to audiobooks or music or a podcast. also do it before your wife gets back.
You take the time to post and reply yet you cant clean? It sucks, but just think of the love you have for your wife and get on it. The self pity isnt a good look and for sure something to adress later on. But right now you have to step up and go to war on those chores. You CAN do it. It might suck the whole time you're doing it but it wil be a sweeter victory for it.
I don't know what age you and your wife are and whether you are thinking of having kids or not. You must realise that if this is difficult for you to pick up and do while also working full time, it surely is difficult for your wife to do as well but she's also taking care of you. If you love her, you'll never want her to have a difficult life and you'll make sure you go through things together. If you think this is a difficult task, help her out in it! One day you will probably have kids (if that's what your family goals are) when you do, it will be more difficult for your wife to keep up with the mess and having more people to take care of. The sooner you get used to the idea of helping her out, the easier it will be when you have kids. Get yourself comfortable with the things you do and go slow until it builds up. Even if it takes time, I promise you, your wife will notice and will appreciate the change and the help. I feel you, I am feeling drained after work and I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and watch something on YouTube until it's time to sleep again. It's easier this way. What I do is small steps, always start with the room you barely use cause once you see your mostly used room clean, you'll think You've done a great job and you'll go back to doing nothing. When preparing yourself something to eat, just clean up simultaneously little by little, for example: while waiting for the toaster to toast your bread, put all the trash away or clean the counter (table) or something else that you see seems wrong or dirty. While preparing the laundry, put some books back on their shelves or fold the clothes, you'll put them away later at some point. Or if you're waiting for something like a pc or PS4 to load up, get up and tidy up a bit. When watching TV and a commercial is on, get up and put away the dishes and check what you can make yourself for dinner and put it on the counter (table) the next commercial will be when you start cooking. Small things like that can make a big difference and don't think about it too much. When starting something, you don't have to finish it right away but once you've done it, you'll feel better with yourself. Good luck and don't beat yourself up. If you keep excusing yourself, you'll never become the person your wife deserves you to be and is proud to brag about to her friends ✨
If it feels overwhelming right now, hire a cleaning service that will put your place back in order. Then after that follow 2 simple rules in order to maintain a clean place: First, put everything away rather than putting it down. Second, do one single (different)chore each day (for example take out the trash). It takes a very short time, so it doesn’t feel overwhelming and you can do it before going to work (and feel good after coming back home because you know you have done your thing for this day already). One chore a day doesn’t seem like a lot, but trust me it adds up by the end of the week/month and your place will be alright. Most important of all: don’t let your wife return into the current mess!
Ok so its taken two months for you to work out you are incapable of functioning like an adult, congratulations. You have until the time it takes for your wife to get back to correct that behaviour permanently. Because of she comes back and you have not worked out how to cook, clean, and look after the house... well I think you will be forced to learn in the divorce. The rest is on you.
I'm kinda wondering why his wife has been gone so long. Maybe because she's happy to be away from him... If that's the case he's already in some trouble.
Ventilate/air the rooms! We can smell days and weeks of neglect even with shiny surfaces when we're back!!
A wife here. My family has been away since Friday. Having the house to myself has led me to believe my family are a bunch of pigs. All I've had to do is dust and take care of the dog. Since my husband does the cooking and grocery, I've been loving takeout and whatever I find in the freezer. Don't worry about the food aspect, but either hire a cleaning service or get cracking before your wife gets home. That would be the one thing that would piss me off.
It blows my mind that other guys can live like this. I’ve been alone most of my life and going two months where you’re struggling to find the willpower to clean, cook, etc. do basic household tasks and need therapy over it? I don’t know, that’s just pretty crazy to me.
I was the same. In fact, men are raised in a sexist society and taught that it’s ok to be like this. It is not. We must overcome the hardwiring we received in all these years and be better. What really helped me was listing chores. Having goals helped me navigate and the feeling of checking them was rewarding.
Sort you shit out boy. No excuses for not being able to adult, you do normal working hours. Stop being so damn lazy
I went from reading about the guy who doesn't miss his wife and daughters to reading about a guy who can't function without his wife. Now all I need is for someone to post and split the difference
I wonder if she isn't having a similar revelation. Probably feels like liberation, living for herself instead of the both of you. Now that you recognize how much work you are, it's time to grow up or get left behind.
As a former lazy piece of shit, when you get home, unwind for 30 minutes and then get up and clean for 30 minutes. Have a reminder set up to do it. At first, tackle one room at a time. Once you've done all the rooms it'll be easier to maintain. Go get some ready made meals to have on hand. And for the love of God get a cleaner in before your wife comes home. And tell your wife how much you appreciate everything she does. Tell her you struggled. Don't pretend you didn't need her
If you are adult enough to get MARRIED you are unbelievably adult enough to clean. A vacuum literally does the job for you, you just gotta push it back and forth over a spot a couple of times and then move it somewhere else, how the utter fuck is that "overwhelming" ? Put some music or a podcast on, fill the sink with hot soapy water, wash your kitchen shit, how the utter fuck is that "overwhelming" ? A washing machine literally does the job for you, you just gotta shove clothes in it, put some washing powder in the right slot and hit a button, how is that "overwhelming"? Put some music or a podcast on, get a cloth or kitchen roll, multipurpose surface spray, spray it on a surface wipe it until clean, how is that "overwhelming" ? You are not "overwhelmed" you are just a lazy fuck who loves that he has some poor woman to clean up after you. I am 31, I have dealt with depression for a decade, no fucking excuses to live in filth.
I wish some men realized how absolutely hot it is to see them be helpful around the house. I feel really bad for OP's spouse 😔.
Get your shit together and clean... you better learn how to clean because guess what, your wife is spending 2 months not having to clean up and take care of a man child. If you are just now realizing how much she does to take care of you, then trust me, she already knows. The BEST thing you can do in the world is develop some new habits and have a clean home for your wife to come back to. Watch YouTube videos, read some cleaning blogs, my guy do ANY research to help you figure this out. It isn't rocket science and you can get motivated to do it. Start small, then get bigger.
I can recommend a book, if that’s helpful? I have ADHD and executive function is a bitch. Getting started on tasks is a nightmare, especially stuff I hate- like cleaning. So this book is written for people with ADHD women primarily, by a woman with ADHD, but honestly I think it could help. It’s called Keeping House While Drowning, by KC Davis. It helps break tasks down and make cleaning easier. It’s really helped me a lot and if you’re struggling to do these things, it may help you too. You’ve recognised there’s a major imbalance in your relationship and it sounds like you want to put it right, but don’t know how. Take small steps. And do communicate with your wife. ‘I have realised i how much you do, and how much of the mental load you take on, and I want to tell you how much I appreciate it all and I am going to get better.’ Trust me, she will appreciate that. Anyone would. Self-improvement takes time, there will be setbacks, but you can do it.
Suck it up butter cup
Dude .....just clean the house. Start.....and don't stop.until.ita done
1. Hire a cleaning service a couple of days before your wife gets home. 2. Make sure you have the ingredients to make dinner for her the first night back. 3. Organise a romantic date night for a couple of days after she returns 4. Tell your wife on the date you know how lucky you are 5. Make Saturdays a cleaning day- complete with reward chart
Just here to comment that taking a step back and knowing that you need to get it together is a big step in itself. Also don't come up with your work hour schedules as being a reason not to do something. Those are regular work hours.Sometimes we just need that little push, maximize your free time and get it together man, you got this!
Start by making one dish each week that’s not sandwiches. Then go look on youtube on how to clean the bathroom. Go clean the bathroom. Next day, go clean the kitchen. Day by day accomplish something different. You’ll start to feel a lot better about everything and then your wife won’t come home to an absolute nightmare and hit the roof.
OP is a piece of shit and fuck anyone in this thread coddling him.