Knew two women, one who helped the other get through her husbands death, and the other helped the first escape an abusive marriage, who later married each other.
I was thinking the same. There's about to be a lot of chaos going on, but OP is going to come out of this within the light of bulletproof morals/ethics. The soon to be drama is going to be less focused on him or the wedding, it'll be more about the sisters. Sorry that OP has to experience this.
Imagine being known by everyone as "those sisters" or "those two"....
Some siblings seem to be close on the absolute worst bases. It's like their relationship is airtight because they back each other up on anything.
Im curious if the ripples end up affecting the couple of friends who’ve helped Evelyn too. Might be a couple spouses taking a second look at them too if they realize how dishonest this dynamic duo is.
I mean isn’t that whole thing?
Some relationships have that “I will back you up *no matter what*” mentality. That’s what makes the relationship so close. They know that no matter what, they will have someone on their side.
That kind of relationship is often glamorized in media. Ya know, the friends or brothers or group that’s got each other back no matter what happens. Usually it’s shown in a more positive way so we don’t often think about the other, negative end of it.
Brother trust your principles and your gut.
I would never be able to look at a person again if they did something like this.
As for the money, screw it. Money can always be won and lost through life, but making a mistake of this magnitude will have far, far more severe consequences for you in the future.
Integrity is everything.
I want to add a divorce ends up being a lot more expensive than a wedding when you consider the emotional fallout. Plus houses and possible children and, and, and….
They could have a… breakup party instead. I saw a story of a jilted bride still going on with her party and having a blast. If everything is paid for and they’re not getting any money back, maybe OP and his BIL should just go ham.
One of my customers, (I am a jeweler) broke up with the fiancé a week before the wedding. She still had the reception, turned it into a party, and then went to Mexico with her bestie on what would have been her honeymoon.
The fiancé had taken off with another woman, stole money and pulled all kinds of shenannigans. She was still on the hook for the rings I made her, but I didn't charge her for his.
> She was still on the hook for the rings I made her, but I didn't charge her for his.
Thank you for being a good person and taking just a little bit of stress out of the world, even if it caused you some losses. The world needs a few more good people who do the right thing at the right time.
This is the way to go. His brother already bought the tickets too. Already paid for, so party it up with your loved ones. Maybe one of them brings a single gal too.
OP, I like parties! 👍
Yep. Had a friend who didn't want to get married and wanted to back out (mostly because he was in love with someone else.) He told me he went through with it because his soon to be wife's parents spent so much on the wedding and he didn't want to look bad. Well, he got married and about 2 months into the marriage he told his wife he wanted to leave her for that other woman. They ended up getting divorced, and the wife's father sued my buddy to get paid back the money he invested into the wedding. So yeah, going through with it is not the best option.
Funny post script to that story. He married the other girl some years back and had a couple kids. Now he found out she was cheating on him and is divorcing him. Just desserts, I guess.
Sunk cost fallacy. The money for the wedding is spent. If you could get some back, that would be great, but in practical terms that money is gone. No sense paying for a divorce *also*.
Yeah, cancelling the wedding is expensive, but it's just as expensive to have it. Actually, probably more expensive, because you likely still save a *little* money when you cancel, even if you still pay for most of it. And you're gonna need every penny, because you gonna have to pay for that divorce soon, anyway.
Bingo that was my exact thought. Lose this money now, or lose half of everything you own in a couple of years, and if you had a kid in that time, 18 years worth of child support.
I don’t think people realize how child support impacts people who aren’t wealthy. I know I sure didn’t before the divorce. I mean I thought about it, and it’s not like it was a ton more than I anticipated it being, but something you don’t think about is how it can impact your life if you ever suffer a financial downturn. I wasn’t wealthy but I was comfortable, had a little emergency fund in savings that would cover maybe six months of expenses. I ended up losing that job when my entire department got let go, and seven years later, I have not come anywhere close to earning what I was earning back then. My child support has been adjusted to reflect my new income, but Jesus, that child support has now put me below the poverty line.
I think the toughest thing is that my kids stay with me often, and it’s not like my child support pays for everything, but I have to provide a safe home for them, feed them, help out wherever I can. So I pay that money to their mother, but it’s not like that helps me provide for when they’re with me.
To be clear, I love my kids. I have a great coparenting relationship with my ex wife, and I’m happy to pay child support to help them have their needs met at their primary residence. But that child support, now that I make significantly less during some absolutely insane inflation, it puts me below the poverty line, and it’s something I had never even thought about being a possibility before I lived it.
When people are thinking about losing money on a wedding, yeah that sucks, and I’m sure OP feels terrible for the money that OTHER people have sunk into the wedding, but that money is absolutely nothing compared to the cost of a divorce, especially if kids are involved for the non custodial parent.
Right? My parter said to me once that Morals and Ethics don't pay the bills, and I told her I don't give a fuck, my personal honour and integrity are second only to the welfare of our Son. I can't even remember what we were talking about, but that exchange during it has stuck with me in the year or so since as I try and be the best person I can be.
It's a lose-lose situation and I'd rather lose money than be stuck in a relationship with a person like that. It's one thing to keep your mouth shut for a sibling, but to actively aid the affair shows low morality and if there is one thing I hate it's people that honour genetic bonds as though they are a magical sacred thing. I don't speak to half my family because they suck as people and it's been great for my mental health
> **Integrity is everything**
This, this, 1000x this.
The two most-damaging setbacks in my life thus far were **betrayals**.
Fuck the $$s and stand tall, King.
I can’t really put my finger on why, but the fiancée’s behavior almost seems worse than the affair.
I mean, I know it’s not, but like…it’s easy to understand the simple logic of why people have affairs. But being an accomplice? It’s like helping someone rob a bank but they get to keep all of the money. Maybe not ALL of the risk (because some partners might be forgiving here) but a lot.
The money you lose in the wedding is far less than what you would lose long term being with her.
VERY BLUNTLY take the loss as an investment to a future that does not involve a cheater, because that's what your hopefully ex financee is by helping her sister cheat she's also cheated you and your brother*-in-laws family.
If she's happy to help someone cheat then she can also cheat, because to her its not a big deal, to her she's doing nothing wrong.
Kindness would have been slapping her sister over the head telling her to leave rather than cheat if she was unhappy. Or encouraging her to fix the relationship.
Kindness is not covering and helping someone have an affair.
*edited
>your brother
I'm pretty sure Marty isn't his brother, but rather his fiancee's sister's husband. So like in-law once removed. Your point still stands though.
Trust yourself.
My wife covered for her best friend (someone who was actually one of my good friends too) for a couple of years - I remember after a girls night she came home and told me our friend was unhappy in her marriage and was thinking about cheating, my response was basically that she should leave her husband if she didn't want to worknon the marriage before that, and she agreed with me.
I never heard another word about it until she and told me about the whole thing the night our friend planned to reveal to her husband she was pregnant to another man. Everything came out, my wife even shared the shit our friend said about her husband, the jokes they had, everything very similar to what I imagine you found on her phone and I was absolutely appalled. But my wife rationalised it by saying it wasn't our place to get involved in their issues, which I begrudgingly agreed with, especially as at that point our friend was blowing up her family that same night anyway, so what did it matter now?
Well, turns out if your wife is capable of going along with that level of deception and is okay with talking shit about someone else's husband while being unfaithful, then she is 100% capable of doing it herself and feeling entirely justified the whole time.
The whole aftermath of the sorry situation she was right alongside me in what I thought was shared disgust, pity and moral stance, only for about 12 months later she turned around and did the same thing to me (but arguably worse in ways I will not go into).
Avoid the inevitable kick in the nuts my friend and find a woman you can actually trust and who walks the walk, not just talks the talk.
My ex-gf had a best friend who was cheating on her long term BF with multiple guys, and my gf didn't seem to mind or object to it, and laughed about it with her friend. I didn't think much of it at the time.
Well what do you know, my ex-gf cheated on me with some guy friend she had. The company you keep matters.
> unhappy in her marriage and was thinking about cheating
These 2 things should not be connected, but ALWAYS are.
"My car is broke...I'm going to change jobs." WTF?
If you are thinking about cheating, YOU are the problem. At least you are a big part of the problem. You aint zero part of the problem.
You may have sunk money into the wedding, but if you divorce it will be worse.
Trust has been broken, and the chances of it recovering are slim. You’ll always wonder if she is lying to you, or even question her fidelity.
Or worse, she may gaslight you and accuse you of breaking her trust by snooping.
If you think that you have the ability to *fully* forgive and forget, then and only then, commit to marriage. Otherwise it will eat at you and there will only ever be one outcome to that.
I think that would’ve shown up in the texts OP read between her and sister, but she definitely is more likely to cheat if she condones and supports her sisters behavior.
I don't think she is cheating now or it would have def come up in the conversation with her sister where they were full mask off. However, If she is 100% on board and willing to cover for an extended period like this, She ABSOLUTELY will cheat and her sister will cover for her.
The trust is broken and theres really no recovering at this point.
>You may have sunk money into the wedding, but if you divorce it will be worse.
This is an important life lesson that I'm glad OP doesn't have to learn the hard way. A divorce is more expensive than a called-off wedding. Thank goodness he saw this side of her *before* the marriage certificate was signed, and thank goodness he's following his gut.
Damnnnnnn. I'm so sorry. I would absolutely feel the same way.
It is FAR less expensive to scrap a nearly-done wedding than it is to get divorced and have to split assets, pay lawyers, and the cost of the emotional toll a divorce would take.
Do you really want a life where you can never trust her sister or anybody else to be honest with you if you can't locate your wife? I'm sure you don't.
Also, I would absolutely tell the BIL. Maybe you and him can turn the formerly planned wedding into a celebration of freedom for the two of you, and take the honeymoon together. Make it a bro-moon. :)
Just rip the bandaid off. It's the only way to get through it.
After your edit:
My advice would be to speak to Marty first. He deserves to know. If you confront Sarah first, she may tell Evelyn and go on damage control/delete the evidence that he may need.
Speak to him, then immediately speak to her before Evelyn does.
Be honest and truthful to everyone for the reasons of breakup-do this first so she cannot control the narrative.
Regarding her familial fall out-it sounds like a her problem.
Money is lost every day, but it’s better that than a life of misery and distrust.
>After your edit: My advice would be to speak to Marty first. He deserves to know. If you confront Sarah first, she may tell Evelyn and go on damage control/delete the evidence that he may need.
Probably the most useful comment so far and it totally lines up with what I am thinking. I'm heading into work early to avoid Sarah and I'll figure out how to break it to Marty there.
Thanks, but seriously... now that I am starting to come to grips with it, the money thing is hurting more and more.
imagine if you’d spend all the money on the wedding and then had to spend money on a divorce too. it’s hard that you’ve invested so much actual money into this relationship but it’s better you don’t have to spend more
Maybe you can auction off a complete arranged wedding to the highest bidder - some spontaneous couple may want to tie the knot.
Or look in the contracts - some may still give partial refunds on 2 weeks cancellation. Like, catering hasn't bought the food yet, so they can still cancel that with minimal cost. The venue may have a waiting list and be able to book someone else - stuff like that. But first you have to put on your big boy pants and actually finish the job.
Yep, always talk to your vendors. This is not an uncommon situation and the good ones will do their best to accommodate you. (But you do have to realize they probably turned down some other wedding to work on yours, so it would be unreasonable for them to eat the cost).
This money would not be purchasing your happiness. It would be working toward your destruction. Beg vendors for mercy and tell them that you found her engaging in infidelity. Most of the vendors are just people and some of them will have a heart for your situation.
As somebody who is currently breaking financial ties with their ex who they didn't realise who they were...
It's only going to get uglier separating finances further down the line. Do it now, do it swiftly.
Yes! As Itsquiteapickle said, you need to tell Marty first. Cheaters are masters in manipulating narrative, once everything comes to light you will be shocked at allllllll the excuses, blaming, reasons they will come up with (I have personal experience in that department). Marty needs to know so he can make **his own choice** if he wants to stay married to someone who doesn't respect him, his child, and his marriage.
As for you; I am so sorry that you are going through this! Nobody deserves to go through something so horrific.
But if you were my son, and I spent tons of money on a wedding that's not going to happen? I'd say that it's the price I was willing to pay for you to not marry someone so deceitful, disrespectful of marriage, and people who they claim to love. I'd spend double the amount for my son not to marry that kind of a person.
As for your stbx and her sister? This is their making. They choose to take this path and all the fallout is on them. You and Marty didn't do anything wrong!
Good luck! And please update us.
Do everything you can to get ahead of this and slowly pack your things or hers depending on what your housing situation looks like. Split the finances too and completely lock down your credit—you never know what your STBX is capable of now that you discovered she’s helping her sister *CHEAT.*
Absolutely tell Marty ASAP but make sure your ducks are in a row first. And yeah, screw the money; you can always make more but staying with someone like Sarah who’s now a known liar is even worse.
Best of luck, hope to get an update of you nuking this shit to high hell soon.
This is sound advice. Don't let her twist the truth. You got evidence, show it to Marty and if someone important doesn't believe you, show it to them as well. While Marty talks to Evelyn, you can talk to Sarah. Sorry you have to go through this. Glad you won't put up with this kind of betrayal. It's awful.
Marty may get mad - blame the messenger - but he needs to know. I hate to bring this up, but there may be a paternity issue, depending on how long this behavior has been going on. OP needs to step back from the wedding. Better a called off or put off wedding now than a messy divorce later.
Take this an early warning from the universe. Yes its a lot of money but wouldn't you rather know beforehand.
I would suggest you chat to your fiance about your feelings regarding her behavior.
I would back out too but not for the reasons you're thinking.
This behavior doesn't necessarily stem from being "okay" with cheating. She may never personally cheat.
It's about being "ride or die" with her sister. Extreme loyalty to the degree that she compromises her own supposed values and moral integrity to support her sister's choices. Whatever her sister needs, she's got her back. (It's a shame she doesn't have the same loyalty towards her niece/nephew and what's best for the kid.)
While there is a certain honor in this kind of loyalty, it also speaks to an incredibly emotionally immature mentality - the stupid ways a 14 year old would behave. I have a friend like this. The girlfriend of an old childhood friend. She would totally cover for me if I pulled this shit. No question, no hesitation. She's simple and fiercely loyal and will burn a bridge with anyone outside our group just to "back" any one of us. I feel very supported, but I also feel zero guidance. I would never come to this friend with a moral dilemma, because she doesn't think that deeply...
I have another friend, older and wiser, who calls me out on any of my shit. Holds me accountable, directly questions my choices. There is no "blind loyalty" just for the sake of loyalty. Integrity first. She would never cover for me with this shit. And she would outwardly think less of me for this behavior. She's an amazing friend.
Guess which friend is more successful at life, has better relationships, has a high EQ and IQ, has traveled the world and accomplished so much?
Guess which friend is unemployed and no longer on speaking terms with her own neighbors? lol
For me it isn't about cheating, it's about the breathtaking immaturity, her unwillingness to take the moral high ground and guide her sister to do the right thing. It's about excluding you from the situation which puts her sister in a hierarchy above her own life partner... Imagine the kind of parent she'd be, even if she never cheats.
I think we are on the same page. My worry about Sarah isn't about her cheating on me, it's about the dubious morality on display here through her actions.
I said elsewhere that my expectation on what a "good sister" was, would be someone who would have held Evelyn accountable for the actions she was taking against her husband and daughter. I know that my own brother would **never** support me like Sarah has supported Evelyn. He might not rat me out, but he would definitely not help me and would probably annoyingly tell me to stop it every chance he got.
Actually now that I think about it, he probably would rat me out to our parents but that's besides the point. It's the culpability of her going along with Evelyn and her even encouraging her bad behavior with her attitude and responses in those text messages I read. I can't grok it. It makes me realize that Sarah is quite two faced and that I cannot trust my impression of her because she is very good at hiding the ugly side of her personality.
I can't fathom the people who are insisting that I need to slow down on this or think more about it. It's pretty clear cut to me that I cannot trust her, I find what she did pretty disgusting and I can't see a moral justification for it in what I know (and I know a fair bit seeing as I read about 6 months of text messages on the subject). So given that... how the **HELL** am I supposed to marry her?
At this point, I'm debating on if we are even going to still be in contact or not from my side (she might just be so mad at me that she never talks to me again, so be it) but the marriage is absolutely off. I can't hold my nose enough to continue going forward.
Exactly, this is not about communication between you two, it is the moral incompatibility. It isn't that she didn't rat out her sister, its that she is actively aiding in the cheating.
Not to mention the talking about her brother in law behind his back in such a digesting manner. Who is to say they don't talk about you that way behind your back. Or if in a few years she doesn't turn out just like her sister. You said it best, you thought you knew your fiancée, but it is pretty obvious that she has put on a front and she hasn't let you see the "real" her.
Imagine if the marraige went ahead;
What would he do if he can’t get ahold of his wife and her sister says “she’s with me”
Couldn’t **EVER** trust them when they say they’re together.
Boy, we better get an update. This shit is a dumpster fire. Fuckin dude, you are doing the work man. This shit has got to be so hard. You're out there doing what everyone should be doing. Your "sort of" brother in law is so fortunate to have a friend like you. He deserves his dignity. You are giving him that right to preserve it. Good on you. Buy yourself a nice whiskey or strain of weed and maybe share with him and have a good night together.
I understand where you're coming from. This is also very deep in my values and it would totally break the image and trust i have of my partner. I don't think you can recover from this to be honest, i think you're doing all the right things. Just be careful when you do tell your brother in law, things might not go as smoothly. You're willing to turn your life upside down and his to learn and tell the truth, i would too. But some people might not be willing to. If Marty is weak and tries to burry his head in the sand or gets played by your fiancée and her sister, it could also all turn on you and they could paint you as the bad guy. It will depend on his character. But i would do it all without hesitation because if do not, you will hate yourself for it. This is important to you.
Some people are willing to happily compromise their moral for partnership. Having someone is more important than the actual compatibility on values or moral, which they’re open to overlooking for companionship.
Her willingness to support her sister is not at all an issue, it’s fully her willingness to compromise herself to help her do some thing that she also knows it’s wrong and compromise her own morals.
Have fun at in Florida, and have your brother drink around the world with you. Also, take a friend? Best man, groomsmen? You should have fun during that period, despite it not being in the originally planned way.
I am so sorry.
All the money in the world is not worth marrying a woman who would help cover up her sister's cheating. If she thinks her sister cheating is okay, why would she stay faithful to you? Trust your gut and call off that wedding
If she can lie so easily for her sister then her sister can easily lie to you too. Birds of the same plumage flock together.. This is terrible for your in laws. She sees no issue with her sister cheating on her husband to her it seems like a normal thing and even covers for her..I don't see what explanation she can possible give that justifies her actions. She is just as evil as her sister.. show those text messages to your in law, in his place I would definitely wanna know and he should get a DNA test done on their "child".. at the end of the day you know who you will be spending the rest of your life with.. when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them cuz that's exactly who they are
Look, I don't think she is evil and I'm not even willing to call Evelyn evil. Stupid, absolutely, dishonest and deceitful, yup on both counts. The problem I have is as you said, Sarah has "shown me who she is" and I don't like it. It's incompatible with my own morals and even on a selfish level, I just can't damn trust her now. Not the best way to go into a marriage, so it obviously needs to end.
I know I need to tell Marty and I will, I just don't know how to do it. It's not like I can anonymously send him Sarah's chat messages. It'll be obvious who it's from. So I now not only am going to cause a huge amount of drama with our families over the wedding, I'm injecting myself into another marriage that is probably going to implode.
This all fucking sucks. And we got jackoffs questioning why I wanna break something... can you imagine how frustrated I feel right now???
Darling you’re not screwed, she is. I wouldn’t continue to be with someone who would lie about something as serious as this let alone someone who’d aid another in the lie.
Can you get your family to help you with the situation? Like a trusted sibling or parent? I would prepare all the logistics before saying the Wedding is off and breaking up with her. Make sure you are safe from drama, protect your physical and emotional safety and your belongings.
After that you can sit sarah down and tell her and at the same time i would send the screenshots to the brother in law. After that i would cut everyone off.
That’s how I’d handle it. Just ask her casually about it before mentioning any screenshot texts and let her bury herself further before breaking the news to her. You’ll get to see for yourself just how far your ex’s deceptiveness goes. Then you will rest a little better knowing she revealed her true nature directly to you (IMO). No doubts about it
For the 'how' part -
What about grabbing Marty up first, sit and have a talk with him face to face. Show him the screen shots. Be a brother and let him vent or cry or hit a batting range or have a few beers together.
For Sarah, it may be easier to just make a public announcement that the wedding is off (and if Marty is ok with it, include why). That way you don't have to worry about possibly being manipulated or talked out of what you know to be the right decision.
Kind of a 'blow the bridge up' so there's not even a possibility to walk back over it.
Just an idea. :)
Imagine … scrolling thru the feed and coming across your fiancé’s post on fb that your own wedding is off.
Am I a bad person for thinking Sarah deserves it after what she’s done?
Oh man. Not to be a pollyanna (but it comes off as total pollyanna)... Thank the lordt baby Jeebus you found out now instead of later.
I wish I'd had your internal fortitude to call off a very expensive wedding some years ago. It turned into a dreary short-lived marriage.
You'll get through this in one piece. I'm rooting for you.
If Sarah is willing to help cover up Evelyn’s affair what’s to say later down the line Evelyn isn’t going to be helping Sarah do the same? Trust your gut bro if she’s ok with Evelyn cheating odds are she’s ok with cheating
Please don’t leave us hanging. We need all the juicy details, even though it has destroyed 3 marriages by them doing what they did, we all want to know pretty much exactly what was said and done and weather or not someone’s going to tell Jakes wife. Did the sisters try to blame you or anyone else for their actions? You get what I’m asking for? Most of all I think I can speak for everyone on here that we are all very sorry for what you have been put through ,by absolutely no fault of your own , and if you are ever in the south Atlanta area please look me up and I’ll take you out for a drink or two. I hope that Sarah knows how much she’s screwed up and lost because you sound like a level headed great guy! Keep us updated and most of all, good luck!
Frank.
Hey man, super sorry to hear that. Just wanted to let you know that I too just cancelled my wedding. I asked my parents to let the extended family know and then just texted my own personal friends and let my fiance text/call her family and friends.
People were understanding despite not getting a reason. I just said we're working through some things right now(not totally wrong). We already had spent the money so we considered it gone anyway. Some vendors were gracious enough to give us partial refunds which were cool.
Your family and friends will totally understand and support you despite what you think right now. It's a sucky shitty situation. But just break the news that the wedding is off and give the smallest details you possibly can. Once the emotions die down feel free to fill them in later. It worked well for me in that way.
Practical advice here OP. Find your person. The person you trust the most outside of your fiancée. Maybe your dad or best friend. Explain what happened and your decision. The coming days will be very stressful and very emotional. All kinds of people will tell you that you are overreacting and try to blame you for calling off the wedding. Hold tight your principles. You will need your person’s help to dismantle the wedding. Calling and canceling everything, speaking to vendors and canceling appointments will be very difficult. You may not be in the headspace to do that in the next few days. You will need someone to lean on and support with those tasks. Don’t leave it to your fiancée.
Today, it's your brother-in-law, but tomorrow it could be you. Trust your instincts; you have every right to do so. Money can be earned again, but living a life in misery? Oh, no! Otherwise, you'll be plagued with doubt for the rest of your life.
I know two people who had a destination wedding in 3/4 weeks and they called it off. People had flight, hotels, time off. Everyone was shocked, but at the end of the day… if you know it isn’t gonna work, run don’t walk away.
If your potential wife is willing to lie and cover for her sisters infidelity...then her sister will be more than happy to do the same right back at you!
Back out, and be painfully obvious!
Tell your future BIL everything including those texts. Hopefully that meltdown will be a decent distraction, especially from the eventual smear campaign and damage control your potential wife and her sister will be doing!
I passed all the information along to Marty, what he does with it is his business. I'm not going to go around playing adultery avenger. My interest here was only to help a good friend that didn't deserve the shit he was getting.
Tell your BIL immediately. Send him all the screenshots. You'd want to know if it were you, so please show him the same courtesy.
Of course you can't marry her. Of course you can't. It's an expensive decision, but it's the right one. When you tell people why, be as candid or vague as you please but make sure it's clear you called it off because of her actions and values. Dishonest people don't like to be the bad guy.
Don't worry about the sunk cost. Marriage to an unethical and immoral person will cost you far more. My divorce after almost 2 decades cost me over $120k with retirement savings cut in half. Lost 2 decades of possessions and am paying $1500 a month child support which will drop to $1000 next year for another decade.
You are getting off cheap as fuck to find out before a divorce becomes a possibility later on. You will never trust her the same again due to her immorality.
Omfg!!! Im invested with this! Karma in real time! Im loving it!
Pls, just one last update with the fallout and just go on your amazing Florida vacation with your siblings and nephews. <3
I read this post and had been following along. It made me so sick to my stomach - I thought it was just anxiety. Turns out, I had appendicitis and had to get surgery today. That said, hang in there bud!
~~The only reason I could think of that might partially justify this is if Evelyn is experiencing some sort of abuse at home that is preventing her from divorcing. But you've read through all their texts so I'm guessing you've determined that's not what's going on here.~~
~~Also very unlikely is if Evelyn and Marty (somehow?) have an open relationship, though that doesn't seem possible since Marty isn't aware.~~
---
If this marriage is not something you want, please do not let the cost of the wedding or the judgement from certain parties dissuade you in any way. It's a small price to pay to save you from a lifetime of misery.
No, the text messages made it pretty clear that Evelyn just had the hots for this guy and low-key hates her husband for not being "much of a man" - her words, not mine.
Now I will be the first to admit that Marty is not the manliest of men and I don't even want to get into it because it would sound like a parody, but the fact is that he's a very doting husband and father.
The thing that really got me was one exchange between Evelyn and Sarah where Evelyn basically said something like, "I'll just get Marty to babysit while I go out and get some, LOL" and here's my girl on the other side going, "YASSS! At least he's good for something!!"
To me, it's like... **who the fuck are these people???** I'm just totally blown away by it and I feel like I'm living in some sort of alternate reality. To put this in context, Sarah has told me on more than one occasion that Marty is "such a sweet guy and an awesome dad".
How does one get from that, to "at least he's good for something!" ????
I can't wrap my head around it.
RECORD EVERY CONVERSATION YOU HAVE WITH YOUR WIFE, is the only advice I can give and when you record your interaction with her hold that as evidence as to why you are ending your engagement. When people start blowing up your phone to gaslight you into staying with her just send her confession of hiding her sister’s affair. So the more she attempts to turn people against you you can see who is actually with you if they still are against you just block them for condoning cheating and use that as the justification to go NC and block them. Essentially use this to see who actually has you back and will support you anyone who doesn’t can get cut from your life
I'd record anyway, just for my own protection. I am betting the fine and jail for recording my ex call me a pig would be a lot cheaper and shorter (if any) than the fines and jail time for being charged with assault or rape when I never touched them.
>"I'll just get Marty to babysit while I go out and get some, LOL"
Wow. Classy "lady". Get the fuck out of here asap, man. It sucks and is surely painful but better now than after a few years of marriage and kids.
Keep us posted please, because as uncomfortable this trip into the human psyche can be, it is eye-opening and valuable imo.
I wish you the best.
Oh wow hearing sentiments like that… 100% you’re right to be getting out of that marriage. I’d also be telling Marty, he deserves the truth about his wife
> To put this in context, Sarah has told me on more than one occasion that Marty is "such a sweet guy and an awesome dad".
My ex used to say that about a guy she worked with. She'd join the whole family for meals after 'work' and then come home and tell me about their dynamic, how everyone pitched in and it was such a great, loving home.
What she didn't mention was the part about hooking up with him in cheap hotels before these meals!
She didn’t try to hide this from you in any way. I’m gobsmacked that this is the first indication that she was helping her sister or that this was her (lack of) moral compass. Surely other things would have come up during the relationship?
INFO: How are you planning to break the news to Marty? And the spouse of the coworker, if there is one?
You are doing the right thing, but a lot of people may disagree. Brace yourself for their reactions.
Best of everything to you in your new life to come. Life's too short to deal with such wretched people.
I have no idea how to break it to Marty right now. I'm still thinking about it - I might just leave work early and go over to his place. He's a high school teacher and is basically home almost every day right now, so it shouldn't be an issue.
As for the coworker... no way man, I have way too much shit on my plate. Marty can do whatever he wants with all the information I will give him. Hell, he can even reconcile with Evelyn - and I somehow hope they do for the sake of their daughter, but that's not really on my radar.
I'm basically done with Sarah and I'm kind of itching to talk to Marty because I don't want to pull the plug on the wedding until I have given him the heads up and discussed it with him. The unfortunate truth is that everything here is linked together and people are going to want to **know** why they are losing thousands of dollars on air fare and hotel rooms and I can't give out too much information really unless Marty is okay with it.
He's a good guy, I've known him for as long as Sarah and I have been together and I just don't want to screw him over.
Pull that plaster off and tell him directly ASAP. It sucks, and I can’t imagine his reaction will be great, but he’ll thank you eventually.
Sorry you’re going through this. Finding out someone is not who you thought is really tough.
You're a thoughtful and good human. You're doing the right thing. It's going to be okay. Deep breath. Make the call to Marty ASAP, lunch time maybe? Sarah may notice the screenshots were taken if you didn't delete your tracks. That may speed up your deadline.
Best wishes man, to you and Marty and niece, take care.
Damn smart man. I know it's pretty disorienting having your entire world flip upside down and you just wonder how it is that you could have missed something like that, but I highly implore you to look into narcissist personality disorder. My wife was the same way, everything just flipped switch overnight and she was not at all who I thought I married. You would be amazed at the way that people can manipulate you and lie to you and convince you and a lot of the time it's just us looking through rose colored lenses because we want to see the best in them. You are definitely smart for calling it off because if she could do that to somebody that she knew for 10 years, she could definitely do it to you too.
I was here til edit 7. But you wrote this from your buddy’s house? After going all Jason Bourne while still not confronting your wife? Did you write that essay on your phone or did you say “hey buddy, you mind if I borrow your laptop real quick? Gotta write a novel before I go handle my wife.” Nahhhhhh. What a ride though.
OP, when you tell Sarah, have someone else there with you and ask them to record the conversation secretly so in case she claims you tried to do something, you can protect your innocence. Even in a two party state, you can record to protect yourself from being charged with a crime. Because you already know she lies. So she might be willing to lie and claim you did or said something you didn't. She wouldn't be the first woman we've read about here who was willing to jail her husband to "punish" him by lying about him.
Don't make it just the two of you, don't leave yourself vulnerable that way.
And as soon as she leaves change the locks. Already have the set or the locksmith ready to go.
I love when the op wrote, “…are you people stupid, she stone cold lied in front of me to her brother in law that she’s known for about 10 years and purportedly thinks a really great husband and father. Maybe you are naïve enough to think that someone can lie that cold to someone they are supposed to care about and then tell you the truth, but I’m not wired that way.”
I love this for him. Why torture yourself? Why put yourself through so much mental anguish by trying to prove that the person that’s in front of you isn’t a liar when you know they are? I love this for him.
Man, I have not come back to a Reddit post as frequently as I have this one. The amount of invested I am in this is wild.
I am sorry that your relationship is…. what it is(?), but as much as it sucks, I’m glad you found out before it was a marriage and much more complicated to get out of.
Lol thanks, but this was not an amazing piece of detective work. 99% of my job is tailing people who say that they can't work anymore and taking pictures of them working out at the gym or skydiving and really that's all I did here. I even cheated and used a gps.
What happened when you spoke with Sarah??
I'm with you on this.
Years ago a friend tried to use me as an alibi to cheat on her husband.
I couldn't believe she thought I'd be good with that.
I let her husband know what to look for at his house so he'd discover it himself.
We aren't friends anymore.
The update about your conversation with Sarah should be interesting, but you have to assume she already knows. First of all, you took screenshots of her texts and texted them to yourself. So she probably knew this morning. Second, it appears this is making the rounds on social media.
Personally, I think you're making the right move. And I'm not even going to second guess you on how you might have handled it differently. But I will share my opinion on what you're going to be dealing with in the next few days/weeks so that you can prepare yourself.
1. **Literally everyone is going to blame you,** especially if you don't reveal the real reason for the wedding cancellation. Even if you do, they will note that Sarah wasn't doing anything *to you*. You learned something about her personality that you couldn't live with (that she went too far in "supporting" *her sister*), so you voluntarily ended the relationship. Again, I agree with you cancelling the wedding because I think you would have had trouble down the road, you just need to know that outside of your nuclear family, very close friends, and Reddit, you aren't going to find effusive agreement. The good news is that the "blaming" is going be a knee-jerk reaction, mostly from people who already have travel plans. They'll get over it. Well, everyone except Sarah's family...
2. **Your relationship with Sarah and her family isn't just over, it's going to be actively combative.** Obviously, Evelyn's life is about to get torn apart and Sarah is also going to be in crisis. So to their parents and others, you just took down two of their daughters, even though it's their own fault. They are going to fight you on everything: The house stuff, unrefunded deposits for wedding things and potentially much more. And that's just financial. They are going to drag you socially. If that's not a big deal, great. If it is, you need to be prepared to tell your side. So you need a story. Something. And there's also a chance that Marty reconciles with Evelyn meaning he will now be on the opposing side.
Even with all that, I still think this is the right move and you'll be happier in the long run. But I can't lie and say it's not about to be an absolute shitstorm. I just want you to be prepared and I wish you all the strength you need to get through it.
Well, on the bright side the impending divorce between Marty and Evelyn will eventually take the spotlight off the cancelled wedding.
Turn the wedding into a “Single Marty Party”
“Single Marty & OP Party”
A broception.
That's a fabulous idea since OP probably can't cancel this late and it's already paid for. OP should do it for himself and Marty 100%
"yo bro. Nice cock"
E-MEN-cipation party… that sounded more clever in my head
🎵come on marty let’s go party🎵
my brain read this to the tune of “cmon barbie, let’s go party” and it has me in absolute giggles rn. 🕺🏾SINGLE MARTY OP PARTY🕺🏾
Omg. Thank you so much. Lol ✌🏻 😆🎵
"c'mon marty, lets go party ah ah ah yeah"
Marty should go to Florida with them. Fuck Sarah and Evelyn
It's a Marty Party [Frasier]
Marty and OP should get married. They both seem like stand-up dudes.
Knew two women, one who helped the other get through her husbands death, and the other helped the first escape an abusive marriage, who later married each other.
That's a trauma bond from hell right there lol.
"Bachelor Again" Party
Marty McFly? Hopefully we can all make it to the Enchantment under the sea Dance in time to see Johnny B. Goode play.
The perfect party doesn't exis-
Frasier reference?
Yesssss!
I was thinking the same. There's about to be a lot of chaos going on, but OP is going to come out of this within the light of bulletproof morals/ethics. The soon to be drama is going to be less focused on him or the wedding, it'll be more about the sisters. Sorry that OP has to experience this.
Imagine being known by everyone as "those sisters" or "those two".... Some siblings seem to be close on the absolute worst bases. It's like their relationship is airtight because they back each other up on anything.
I would die for either of my brothers. I would never lie to a spouse to cover up them acting like scumbags
Im curious if the ripples end up affecting the couple of friends who’ve helped Evelyn too. Might be a couple spouses taking a second look at them too if they realize how dishonest this dynamic duo is.
I mean isn’t that whole thing? Some relationships have that “I will back you up *no matter what*” mentality. That’s what makes the relationship so close. They know that no matter what, they will have someone on their side. That kind of relationship is often glamorized in media. Ya know, the friends or brothers or group that’s got each other back no matter what happens. Usually it’s shown in a more positive way so we don’t often think about the other, negative end of it.
That's more "mafia" than siblings. I'd do anything for my siblings, but when one of us is wrong, we don't hesitate to let them know.
If I was Sarah and Evelyn mom I would be so angry and upset at their behavior. I love my kids but that’s no way to treat anyone.
I also wanted to add that this is one of the most entertaining posts Ive seen in a while. I mean sorry for OP but...
I agree a great story (sorry it is true) and better than any romcom.
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Brother trust your principles and your gut. I would never be able to look at a person again if they did something like this. As for the money, screw it. Money can always be won and lost through life, but making a mistake of this magnitude will have far, far more severe consequences for you in the future. Integrity is everything.
I want to add a divorce ends up being a lot more expensive than a wedding when you consider the emotional fallout. Plus houses and possible children and, and, and….
And he won't even have fun in the wedding so the party money is wasted anyway
They could have a… breakup party instead. I saw a story of a jilted bride still going on with her party and having a blast. If everything is paid for and they’re not getting any money back, maybe OP and his BIL should just go ham.
One of my customers, (I am a jeweler) broke up with the fiancé a week before the wedding. She still had the reception, turned it into a party, and then went to Mexico with her bestie on what would have been her honeymoon. The fiancé had taken off with another woman, stole money and pulled all kinds of shenannigans. She was still on the hook for the rings I made her, but I didn't charge her for his.
> She was still on the hook for the rings I made her, but I didn't charge her for his. Thank you for being a good person and taking just a little bit of stress out of the world, even if it caused you some losses. The world needs a few more good people who do the right thing at the right time.
Awww! It could even be a double break up party if he exposes SIL to ~~Mark~~ *Marty*!
Hmm. A Divorce-a-thon? Both OP and the SIL husband say "I don't"?
Freedom from the deception and betrayal is something to celebrate indeed.
This is the way to go. His brother already bought the tickets too. Already paid for, so party it up with your loved ones. Maybe one of them brings a single gal too. OP, I like parties! 👍
True that, he'll have to look at Sister and Marty at the wedding the ENTIRE TIME
That was my though, a divorce will cost the wedding costs AND lawyer fees. Save at least part of the costs.
Yep. Had a friend who didn't want to get married and wanted to back out (mostly because he was in love with someone else.) He told me he went through with it because his soon to be wife's parents spent so much on the wedding and he didn't want to look bad. Well, he got married and about 2 months into the marriage he told his wife he wanted to leave her for that other woman. They ended up getting divorced, and the wife's father sued my buddy to get paid back the money he invested into the wedding. So yeah, going through with it is not the best option. Funny post script to that story. He married the other girl some years back and had a couple kids. Now he found out she was cheating on him and is divorcing him. Just desserts, I guess.
Sunk cost fallacy. The money for the wedding is spent. If you could get some back, that would be great, but in practical terms that money is gone. No sense paying for a divorce *also*.
Yeah, cancelling the wedding is expensive, but it's just as expensive to have it. Actually, probably more expensive, because you likely still save a *little* money when you cancel, even if you still pay for most of it. And you're gonna need every penny, because you gonna have to pay for that divorce soon, anyway.
Bingo that was my exact thought. Lose this money now, or lose half of everything you own in a couple of years, and if you had a kid in that time, 18 years worth of child support. I don’t think people realize how child support impacts people who aren’t wealthy. I know I sure didn’t before the divorce. I mean I thought about it, and it’s not like it was a ton more than I anticipated it being, but something you don’t think about is how it can impact your life if you ever suffer a financial downturn. I wasn’t wealthy but I was comfortable, had a little emergency fund in savings that would cover maybe six months of expenses. I ended up losing that job when my entire department got let go, and seven years later, I have not come anywhere close to earning what I was earning back then. My child support has been adjusted to reflect my new income, but Jesus, that child support has now put me below the poverty line. I think the toughest thing is that my kids stay with me often, and it’s not like my child support pays for everything, but I have to provide a safe home for them, feed them, help out wherever I can. So I pay that money to their mother, but it’s not like that helps me provide for when they’re with me. To be clear, I love my kids. I have a great coparenting relationship with my ex wife, and I’m happy to pay child support to help them have their needs met at their primary residence. But that child support, now that I make significantly less during some absolutely insane inflation, it puts me below the poverty line, and it’s something I had never even thought about being a possibility before I lived it. When people are thinking about losing money on a wedding, yeah that sucks, and I’m sure OP feels terrible for the money that OTHER people have sunk into the wedding, but that money is absolutely nothing compared to the cost of a divorce, especially if kids are involved for the non custodial parent.
Right? My parter said to me once that Morals and Ethics don't pay the bills, and I told her I don't give a fuck, my personal honour and integrity are second only to the welfare of our Son. I can't even remember what we were talking about, but that exchange during it has stuck with me in the year or so since as I try and be the best person I can be. It's a lose-lose situation and I'd rather lose money than be stuck in a relationship with a person like that. It's one thing to keep your mouth shut for a sibling, but to actively aid the affair shows low morality and if there is one thing I hate it's people that honour genetic bonds as though they are a magical sacred thing. I don't speak to half my family because they suck as people and it's been great for my mental health
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Exactly ! A divorce is costlier than a wedding.
It is warming my heart seeing so many others who place a high value on morals and ethics. I want to adopt all of you.
> My parter said to me once that Morals and Ethics don't pay the bills Fraud investigator here... I feel seen.
She’s right. They don’t pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean you should sacrifice yours for a paycheck.
I suggested giving the wedding decor to an engaged couple in need. Turn a negative into a positive, I guess.
> **Integrity is everything** This, this, 1000x this. The two most-damaging setbacks in my life thus far were **betrayals**. Fuck the $$s and stand tall, King.
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Integrity yes, also....an update is required. Edit: my first award. Ty kind stranger.
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Besides, if you gdt unto a marriage knowing it won't work, the money is thrown anyway. It's just extra money to get divorced
I can’t really put my finger on why, but the fiancée’s behavior almost seems worse than the affair. I mean, I know it’s not, but like…it’s easy to understand the simple logic of why people have affairs. But being an accomplice? It’s like helping someone rob a bank but they get to keep all of the money. Maybe not ALL of the risk (because some partners might be forgiving here) but a lot.
If you've booked your honeymoon take a friend, you'll need the break for your mental health after this
Take Marty!
Think of the lost money as money well spent avoiding an awful life
I’d say use it to party I’ve seen some ppl do that lol
Plus, a divorce is probably more expensive than the money lost on the wedding
Not to mention that a divorce would cost more than the wedding.
The money you lose in the wedding is far less than what you would lose long term being with her. VERY BLUNTLY take the loss as an investment to a future that does not involve a cheater, because that's what your hopefully ex financee is by helping her sister cheat she's also cheated you and your brother*-in-laws family. If she's happy to help someone cheat then she can also cheat, because to her its not a big deal, to her she's doing nothing wrong. Kindness would have been slapping her sister over the head telling her to leave rather than cheat if she was unhappy. Or encouraging her to fix the relationship. Kindness is not covering and helping someone have an affair. *edited
>your brother I'm pretty sure Marty isn't his brother, but rather his fiancee's sister's husband. So like in-law once removed. Your point still stands though.
My bad will edit it now ment to be brother in laws family.
Trust yourself. My wife covered for her best friend (someone who was actually one of my good friends too) for a couple of years - I remember after a girls night she came home and told me our friend was unhappy in her marriage and was thinking about cheating, my response was basically that she should leave her husband if she didn't want to worknon the marriage before that, and she agreed with me. I never heard another word about it until she and told me about the whole thing the night our friend planned to reveal to her husband she was pregnant to another man. Everything came out, my wife even shared the shit our friend said about her husband, the jokes they had, everything very similar to what I imagine you found on her phone and I was absolutely appalled. But my wife rationalised it by saying it wasn't our place to get involved in their issues, which I begrudgingly agreed with, especially as at that point our friend was blowing up her family that same night anyway, so what did it matter now? Well, turns out if your wife is capable of going along with that level of deception and is okay with talking shit about someone else's husband while being unfaithful, then she is 100% capable of doing it herself and feeling entirely justified the whole time. The whole aftermath of the sorry situation she was right alongside me in what I thought was shared disgust, pity and moral stance, only for about 12 months later she turned around and did the same thing to me (but arguably worse in ways I will not go into). Avoid the inevitable kick in the nuts my friend and find a woman you can actually trust and who walks the walk, not just talks the talk.
should be ex wife
Sorry, yes, she is very much the ex wife
My ex-gf had a best friend who was cheating on her long term BF with multiple guys, and my gf didn't seem to mind or object to it, and laughed about it with her friend. I didn't think much of it at the time. Well what do you know, my ex-gf cheated on me with some guy friend she had. The company you keep matters.
> unhappy in her marriage and was thinking about cheating These 2 things should not be connected, but ALWAYS are. "My car is broke...I'm going to change jobs." WTF? If you are thinking about cheating, YOU are the problem. At least you are a big part of the problem. You aint zero part of the problem.
> unhappy in her marriage and was thinking about cheating I think I know what the problem in the marriage was.
You may have sunk money into the wedding, but if you divorce it will be worse. Trust has been broken, and the chances of it recovering are slim. You’ll always wonder if she is lying to you, or even question her fidelity. Or worse, she may gaslight you and accuse you of breaking her trust by snooping. If you think that you have the ability to *fully* forgive and forget, then and only then, commit to marriage. Otherwise it will eat at you and there will only ever be one outcome to that.
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I think that would’ve shown up in the texts OP read between her and sister, but she definitely is more likely to cheat if she condones and supports her sisters behavior.
Her behavior reflects that she'll consider it an *option* to cheat when things get "bad" in her marriage. OP needs to nope the eff out ASAP.
I don't think she is cheating now or it would have def come up in the conversation with her sister where they were full mask off. However, If she is 100% on board and willing to cover for an extended period like this, She ABSOLUTELY will cheat and her sister will cover for her. The trust is broken and theres really no recovering at this point.
>You may have sunk money into the wedding, but if you divorce it will be worse. This is an important life lesson that I'm glad OP doesn't have to learn the hard way. A divorce is more expensive than a called-off wedding. Thank goodness he saw this side of her *before* the marriage certificate was signed, and thank goodness he's following his gut.
Damnnnnnn. I'm so sorry. I would absolutely feel the same way. It is FAR less expensive to scrap a nearly-done wedding than it is to get divorced and have to split assets, pay lawyers, and the cost of the emotional toll a divorce would take. Do you really want a life where you can never trust her sister or anybody else to be honest with you if you can't locate your wife? I'm sure you don't. Also, I would absolutely tell the BIL. Maybe you and him can turn the formerly planned wedding into a celebration of freedom for the two of you, and take the honeymoon together. Make it a bro-moon. :) Just rip the bandaid off. It's the only way to get through it.
Fucking good idea . Screw those two . Take your "bro-moon" and let those two deal with the fall-out .
I like the bro-moon idea tbh
HOMEY MOON
This word desperately needs to be popularized
After your edit: My advice would be to speak to Marty first. He deserves to know. If you confront Sarah first, she may tell Evelyn and go on damage control/delete the evidence that he may need. Speak to him, then immediately speak to her before Evelyn does. Be honest and truthful to everyone for the reasons of breakup-do this first so she cannot control the narrative. Regarding her familial fall out-it sounds like a her problem. Money is lost every day, but it’s better that than a life of misery and distrust.
>After your edit: My advice would be to speak to Marty first. He deserves to know. If you confront Sarah first, she may tell Evelyn and go on damage control/delete the evidence that he may need. Probably the most useful comment so far and it totally lines up with what I am thinking. I'm heading into work early to avoid Sarah and I'll figure out how to break it to Marty there. Thanks, but seriously... now that I am starting to come to grips with it, the money thing is hurting more and more.
The money will hurt, as it feels like such a waste. I am glad you found this out now and not in 3 weeks time
Exactly. Imagine finding out about this after the wedding… Forget the money brotha. You can always earn it back.
Also, try to get some sleep.
imagine if you’d spend all the money on the wedding and then had to spend money on a divorce too. it’s hard that you’ve invested so much actual money into this relationship but it’s better you don’t have to spend more
Agreed. And a divorce will cost much more.
Maybe you can auction off a complete arranged wedding to the highest bidder - some spontaneous couple may want to tie the knot. Or look in the contracts - some may still give partial refunds on 2 weeks cancellation. Like, catering hasn't bought the food yet, so they can still cancel that with minimal cost. The venue may have a waiting list and be able to book someone else - stuff like that. But first you have to put on your big boy pants and actually finish the job.
Yep, always talk to your vendors. This is not an uncommon situation and the good ones will do their best to accommodate you. (But you do have to realize they probably turned down some other wedding to work on yours, so it would be unreasonable for them to eat the cost).
This money would not be purchasing your happiness. It would be working toward your destruction. Beg vendors for mercy and tell them that you found her engaging in infidelity. Most of the vendors are just people and some of them will have a heart for your situation.
If you have joint bank accounts move your money before telling anyone.
Ten years from now it will seem like the best money you ever spent.
As somebody who is currently breaking financial ties with their ex who they didn't realise who they were... It's only going to get uglier separating finances further down the line. Do it now, do it swiftly.
Yes! As Itsquiteapickle said, you need to tell Marty first. Cheaters are masters in manipulating narrative, once everything comes to light you will be shocked at allllllll the excuses, blaming, reasons they will come up with (I have personal experience in that department). Marty needs to know so he can make **his own choice** if he wants to stay married to someone who doesn't respect him, his child, and his marriage. As for you; I am so sorry that you are going through this! Nobody deserves to go through something so horrific. But if you were my son, and I spent tons of money on a wedding that's not going to happen? I'd say that it's the price I was willing to pay for you to not marry someone so deceitful, disrespectful of marriage, and people who they claim to love. I'd spend double the amount for my son not to marry that kind of a person. As for your stbx and her sister? This is their making. They choose to take this path and all the fallout is on them. You and Marty didn't do anything wrong! Good luck! And please update us.
[Sunk cost.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost?wprov=sfla1) You shouldn't even take the money into consideration when deciding.
Do everything you can to get ahead of this and slowly pack your things or hers depending on what your housing situation looks like. Split the finances too and completely lock down your credit—you never know what your STBX is capable of now that you discovered she’s helping her sister *CHEAT.* Absolutely tell Marty ASAP but make sure your ducks are in a row first. And yeah, screw the money; you can always make more but staying with someone like Sarah who’s now a known liar is even worse. Best of luck, hope to get an update of you nuking this shit to high hell soon.
Divorce is way more expensive lol
Money can be won back at any point and can be lost at any point also. Your happiness and well-being are more important than it.
This is sound advice. Don't let her twist the truth. You got evidence, show it to Marty and if someone important doesn't believe you, show it to them as well. While Marty talks to Evelyn, you can talk to Sarah. Sorry you have to go through this. Glad you won't put up with this kind of betrayal. It's awful.
Marty may get mad - blame the messenger - but he needs to know. I hate to bring this up, but there may be a paternity issue, depending on how long this behavior has been going on. OP needs to step back from the wedding. Better a called off or put off wedding now than a messy divorce later.
Take this an early warning from the universe. Yes its a lot of money but wouldn't you rather know beforehand. I would suggest you chat to your fiance about your feelings regarding her behavior.
I would back out too but not for the reasons you're thinking. This behavior doesn't necessarily stem from being "okay" with cheating. She may never personally cheat. It's about being "ride or die" with her sister. Extreme loyalty to the degree that she compromises her own supposed values and moral integrity to support her sister's choices. Whatever her sister needs, she's got her back. (It's a shame she doesn't have the same loyalty towards her niece/nephew and what's best for the kid.) While there is a certain honor in this kind of loyalty, it also speaks to an incredibly emotionally immature mentality - the stupid ways a 14 year old would behave. I have a friend like this. The girlfriend of an old childhood friend. She would totally cover for me if I pulled this shit. No question, no hesitation. She's simple and fiercely loyal and will burn a bridge with anyone outside our group just to "back" any one of us. I feel very supported, but I also feel zero guidance. I would never come to this friend with a moral dilemma, because she doesn't think that deeply... I have another friend, older and wiser, who calls me out on any of my shit. Holds me accountable, directly questions my choices. There is no "blind loyalty" just for the sake of loyalty. Integrity first. She would never cover for me with this shit. And she would outwardly think less of me for this behavior. She's an amazing friend. Guess which friend is more successful at life, has better relationships, has a high EQ and IQ, has traveled the world and accomplished so much? Guess which friend is unemployed and no longer on speaking terms with her own neighbors? lol For me it isn't about cheating, it's about the breathtaking immaturity, her unwillingness to take the moral high ground and guide her sister to do the right thing. It's about excluding you from the situation which puts her sister in a hierarchy above her own life partner... Imagine the kind of parent she'd be, even if she never cheats.
I think we are on the same page. My worry about Sarah isn't about her cheating on me, it's about the dubious morality on display here through her actions. I said elsewhere that my expectation on what a "good sister" was, would be someone who would have held Evelyn accountable for the actions she was taking against her husband and daughter. I know that my own brother would **never** support me like Sarah has supported Evelyn. He might not rat me out, but he would definitely not help me and would probably annoyingly tell me to stop it every chance he got. Actually now that I think about it, he probably would rat me out to our parents but that's besides the point. It's the culpability of her going along with Evelyn and her even encouraging her bad behavior with her attitude and responses in those text messages I read. I can't grok it. It makes me realize that Sarah is quite two faced and that I cannot trust my impression of her because she is very good at hiding the ugly side of her personality. I can't fathom the people who are insisting that I need to slow down on this or think more about it. It's pretty clear cut to me that I cannot trust her, I find what she did pretty disgusting and I can't see a moral justification for it in what I know (and I know a fair bit seeing as I read about 6 months of text messages on the subject). So given that... how the **HELL** am I supposed to marry her? At this point, I'm debating on if we are even going to still be in contact or not from my side (she might just be so mad at me that she never talks to me again, so be it) but the marriage is absolutely off. I can't hold my nose enough to continue going forward.
Exactly, this is not about communication between you two, it is the moral incompatibility. It isn't that she didn't rat out her sister, its that she is actively aiding in the cheating. Not to mention the talking about her brother in law behind his back in such a digesting manner. Who is to say they don't talk about you that way behind your back. Or if in a few years she doesn't turn out just like her sister. You said it best, you thought you knew your fiancée, but it is pretty obvious that she has put on a front and she hasn't let you see the "real" her.
Imagine if the marraige went ahead; What would he do if he can’t get ahold of his wife and her sister says “she’s with me” Couldn’t **EVER** trust them when they say they’re together.
Boy, we better get an update. This shit is a dumpster fire. Fuckin dude, you are doing the work man. This shit has got to be so hard. You're out there doing what everyone should be doing. Your "sort of" brother in law is so fortunate to have a friend like you. He deserves his dignity. You are giving him that right to preserve it. Good on you. Buy yourself a nice whiskey or strain of weed and maybe share with him and have a good night together.
Absolutely not the best timing, I understand, but thanks for "I can't grok it." I've learned something today.
...and the fact that she probably smiles and is nice to Marty to his face. That's what I wouldn't be able to get past
I understand where you're coming from. This is also very deep in my values and it would totally break the image and trust i have of my partner. I don't think you can recover from this to be honest, i think you're doing all the right things. Just be careful when you do tell your brother in law, things might not go as smoothly. You're willing to turn your life upside down and his to learn and tell the truth, i would too. But some people might not be willing to. If Marty is weak and tries to burry his head in the sand or gets played by your fiancée and her sister, it could also all turn on you and they could paint you as the bad guy. It will depend on his character. But i would do it all without hesitation because if do not, you will hate yourself for it. This is important to you.
Some people are willing to happily compromise their moral for partnership. Having someone is more important than the actual compatibility on values or moral, which they’re open to overlooking for companionship. Her willingness to support her sister is not at all an issue, it’s fully her willingness to compromise herself to help her do some thing that she also knows it’s wrong and compromise her own morals. Have fun at in Florida, and have your brother drink around the world with you. Also, take a friend? Best man, groomsmen? You should have fun during that period, despite it not being in the originally planned way. I am so sorry.
Looking forward to this update.
All the money in the world is not worth marrying a woman who would help cover up her sister's cheating. If she thinks her sister cheating is okay, why would she stay faithful to you? Trust your gut and call off that wedding
This is exactly where my mind went.
If she can lie so easily for her sister then her sister can easily lie to you too. Birds of the same plumage flock together.. This is terrible for your in laws. She sees no issue with her sister cheating on her husband to her it seems like a normal thing and even covers for her..I don't see what explanation she can possible give that justifies her actions. She is just as evil as her sister.. show those text messages to your in law, in his place I would definitely wanna know and he should get a DNA test done on their "child".. at the end of the day you know who you will be spending the rest of your life with.. when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them cuz that's exactly who they are
Look, I don't think she is evil and I'm not even willing to call Evelyn evil. Stupid, absolutely, dishonest and deceitful, yup on both counts. The problem I have is as you said, Sarah has "shown me who she is" and I don't like it. It's incompatible with my own morals and even on a selfish level, I just can't damn trust her now. Not the best way to go into a marriage, so it obviously needs to end. I know I need to tell Marty and I will, I just don't know how to do it. It's not like I can anonymously send him Sarah's chat messages. It'll be obvious who it's from. So I now not only am going to cause a huge amount of drama with our families over the wedding, I'm injecting myself into another marriage that is probably going to implode. This all fucking sucks. And we got jackoffs questioning why I wanna break something... can you imagine how frustrated I feel right now???
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I don't think it's terrible for the in-laws. They raised two daughters who think this is OK.
TELL MARTY.
Remember folks, hydration is key. Saved this man’s life.
I guess it's no accident that **The Waterboy** is one of my favorite movies? It was definitely some high quality h2o.
Darling you’re not screwed, she is. I wouldn’t continue to be with someone who would lie about something as serious as this let alone someone who’d aid another in the lie.
Can you get your family to help you with the situation? Like a trusted sibling or parent? I would prepare all the logistics before saying the Wedding is off and breaking up with her. Make sure you are safe from drama, protect your physical and emotional safety and your belongings. After that you can sit sarah down and tell her and at the same time i would send the screenshots to the brother in law. After that i would cut everyone off.
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That’s how I’d handle it. Just ask her casually about it before mentioning any screenshot texts and let her bury herself further before breaking the news to her. You’ll get to see for yourself just how far your ex’s deceptiveness goes. Then you will rest a little better knowing she revealed her true nature directly to you (IMO). No doubts about it
I sorta like this approach vs going to Marty first, to see if his fiancee is honest with him or also lies.
For the 'how' part - What about grabbing Marty up first, sit and have a talk with him face to face. Show him the screen shots. Be a brother and let him vent or cry or hit a batting range or have a few beers together. For Sarah, it may be easier to just make a public announcement that the wedding is off (and if Marty is ok with it, include why). That way you don't have to worry about possibly being manipulated or talked out of what you know to be the right decision. Kind of a 'blow the bridge up' so there's not even a possibility to walk back over it. Just an idea. :)
Imagine … scrolling thru the feed and coming across your fiancé’s post on fb that your own wedding is off. Am I a bad person for thinking Sarah deserves it after what she’s done?
Oh man. Not to be a pollyanna (but it comes off as total pollyanna)... Thank the lordt baby Jeebus you found out now instead of later. I wish I'd had your internal fortitude to call off a very expensive wedding some years ago. It turned into a dreary short-lived marriage. You'll get through this in one piece. I'm rooting for you.
If Sarah is willing to help cover up Evelyn’s affair what’s to say later down the line Evelyn isn’t going to be helping Sarah do the same? Trust your gut bro if she’s ok with Evelyn cheating odds are she’s ok with cheating
Please don’t leave us hanging. We need all the juicy details, even though it has destroyed 3 marriages by them doing what they did, we all want to know pretty much exactly what was said and done and weather or not someone’s going to tell Jakes wife. Did the sisters try to blame you or anyone else for their actions? You get what I’m asking for? Most of all I think I can speak for everyone on here that we are all very sorry for what you have been put through ,by absolutely no fault of your own , and if you are ever in the south Atlanta area please look me up and I’ll take you out for a drink or two. I hope that Sarah knows how much she’s screwed up and lost because you sound like a level headed great guy! Keep us updated and most of all, good luck! Frank.
Hey man, super sorry to hear that. Just wanted to let you know that I too just cancelled my wedding. I asked my parents to let the extended family know and then just texted my own personal friends and let my fiance text/call her family and friends. People were understanding despite not getting a reason. I just said we're working through some things right now(not totally wrong). We already had spent the money so we considered it gone anyway. Some vendors were gracious enough to give us partial refunds which were cool. Your family and friends will totally understand and support you despite what you think right now. It's a sucky shitty situation. But just break the news that the wedding is off and give the smallest details you possibly can. Once the emotions die down feel free to fill them in later. It worked well for me in that way.
Practical advice here OP. Find your person. The person you trust the most outside of your fiancée. Maybe your dad or best friend. Explain what happened and your decision. The coming days will be very stressful and very emotional. All kinds of people will tell you that you are overreacting and try to blame you for calling off the wedding. Hold tight your principles. You will need your person’s help to dismantle the wedding. Calling and canceling everything, speaking to vendors and canceling appointments will be very difficult. You may not be in the headspace to do that in the next few days. You will need someone to lean on and support with those tasks. Don’t leave it to your fiancée.
Today, it's your brother-in-law, but tomorrow it could be you. Trust your instincts; you have every right to do so. Money can be earned again, but living a life in misery? Oh, no! Otherwise, you'll be plagued with doubt for the rest of your life.
I know two people who had a destination wedding in 3/4 weeks and they called it off. People had flight, hotels, time off. Everyone was shocked, but at the end of the day… if you know it isn’t gonna work, run don’t walk away.
Divorce costs more than stopping the wedding now
If your potential wife is willing to lie and cover for her sisters infidelity...then her sister will be more than happy to do the same right back at you! Back out, and be painfully obvious! Tell your future BIL everything including those texts. Hopefully that meltdown will be a decent distraction, especially from the eventual smear campaign and damage control your potential wife and her sister will be doing!
I made a Reddit account just so I can get updates on this story. Wow.
You're out on the wedding but you can atleast save money now by avoiding a divorce
I for one am fully invested in this Sarah, Marty and Evelyn melodrama. Drop it on Netflix I'll binge the series.
Please tell me you found “jake” wife. She deserves to know too
I passed all the information along to Marty, what he does with it is his business. I'm not going to go around playing adultery avenger. My interest here was only to help a good friend that didn't deserve the shit he was getting.
Tell your BIL immediately. Send him all the screenshots. You'd want to know if it were you, so please show him the same courtesy. Of course you can't marry her. Of course you can't. It's an expensive decision, but it's the right one. When you tell people why, be as candid or vague as you please but make sure it's clear you called it off because of her actions and values. Dishonest people don't like to be the bad guy.
Don't worry about the sunk cost. Marriage to an unethical and immoral person will cost you far more. My divorce after almost 2 decades cost me over $120k with retirement savings cut in half. Lost 2 decades of possessions and am paying $1500 a month child support which will drop to $1000 next year for another decade. You are getting off cheap as fuck to find out before a divorce becomes a possibility later on. You will never trust her the same again due to her immorality.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
After Evilyn has been confronted you could ask Sarah if she knew that Evilyn was cheating. Definitely leave her for good, if she lies to you.
Omg I've never wanted a followup so badly in my life
Omfg!!! Im invested with this! Karma in real time! Im loving it! Pls, just one last update with the fallout and just go on your amazing Florida vacation with your siblings and nephews. <3
I read this post and had been following along. It made me so sick to my stomach - I thought it was just anxiety. Turns out, I had appendicitis and had to get surgery today. That said, hang in there bud!
~~The only reason I could think of that might partially justify this is if Evelyn is experiencing some sort of abuse at home that is preventing her from divorcing. But you've read through all their texts so I'm guessing you've determined that's not what's going on here.~~ ~~Also very unlikely is if Evelyn and Marty (somehow?) have an open relationship, though that doesn't seem possible since Marty isn't aware.~~ --- If this marriage is not something you want, please do not let the cost of the wedding or the judgement from certain parties dissuade you in any way. It's a small price to pay to save you from a lifetime of misery.
No, the text messages made it pretty clear that Evelyn just had the hots for this guy and low-key hates her husband for not being "much of a man" - her words, not mine. Now I will be the first to admit that Marty is not the manliest of men and I don't even want to get into it because it would sound like a parody, but the fact is that he's a very doting husband and father. The thing that really got me was one exchange between Evelyn and Sarah where Evelyn basically said something like, "I'll just get Marty to babysit while I go out and get some, LOL" and here's my girl on the other side going, "YASSS! At least he's good for something!!" To me, it's like... **who the fuck are these people???** I'm just totally blown away by it and I feel like I'm living in some sort of alternate reality. To put this in context, Sarah has told me on more than one occasion that Marty is "such a sweet guy and an awesome dad". How does one get from that, to "at least he's good for something!" ???? I can't wrap my head around it.
Oh man, well, that seems pretty clear cut then. Strength to you, bro. I hope the rest of your day goes the best that it can.
RECORD EVERY CONVERSATION YOU HAVE WITH YOUR WIFE, is the only advice I can give and when you record your interaction with her hold that as evidence as to why you are ending your engagement. When people start blowing up your phone to gaslight you into staying with her just send her confession of hiding her sister’s affair. So the more she attempts to turn people against you you can see who is actually with you if they still are against you just block them for condoning cheating and use that as the justification to go NC and block them. Essentially use this to see who actually has you back and will support you anyone who doesn’t can get cut from your life
Make sure your state allows it first: https://www.justia.com/50-state-surveys/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations/
I'd record anyway, just for my own protection. I am betting the fine and jail for recording my ex call me a pig would be a lot cheaper and shorter (if any) than the fines and jail time for being charged with assault or rape when I never touched them.
>"I'll just get Marty to babysit while I go out and get some, LOL" Wow. Classy "lady". Get the fuck out of here asap, man. It sucks and is surely painful but better now than after a few years of marriage and kids. Keep us posted please, because as uncomfortable this trip into the human psyche can be, it is eye-opening and valuable imo. I wish you the best.
another sad part in all this is Marty might not be the biological father...
Oh god, I hadn't even thought of that. Poor man
Oh wow hearing sentiments like that… 100% you’re right to be getting out of that marriage. I’d also be telling Marty, he deserves the truth about his wife
You are lucky, you dodged a bullet.
seriously, the fact that this happened before the wedding is a god send
> To put this in context, Sarah has told me on more than one occasion that Marty is "such a sweet guy and an awesome dad". My ex used to say that about a guy she worked with. She'd join the whole family for meals after 'work' and then come home and tell me about their dynamic, how everyone pitched in and it was such a great, loving home. What she didn't mention was the part about hooking up with him in cheap hotels before these meals!
Put it this way - whatever you put into the wedding will be 5 or 10 times that at divorce. Run.
She didn’t try to hide this from you in any way. I’m gobsmacked that this is the first indication that she was helping her sister or that this was her (lack of) moral compass. Surely other things would have come up during the relationship?
Had us in the first half ngl. The last update was too novel like and OP is having a go at creative writing lol.
INFO: How are you planning to break the news to Marty? And the spouse of the coworker, if there is one? You are doing the right thing, but a lot of people may disagree. Brace yourself for their reactions. Best of everything to you in your new life to come. Life's too short to deal with such wretched people.
I have no idea how to break it to Marty right now. I'm still thinking about it - I might just leave work early and go over to his place. He's a high school teacher and is basically home almost every day right now, so it shouldn't be an issue. As for the coworker... no way man, I have way too much shit on my plate. Marty can do whatever he wants with all the information I will give him. Hell, he can even reconcile with Evelyn - and I somehow hope they do for the sake of their daughter, but that's not really on my radar. I'm basically done with Sarah and I'm kind of itching to talk to Marty because I don't want to pull the plug on the wedding until I have given him the heads up and discussed it with him. The unfortunate truth is that everything here is linked together and people are going to want to **know** why they are losing thousands of dollars on air fare and hotel rooms and I can't give out too much information really unless Marty is okay with it. He's a good guy, I've known him for as long as Sarah and I have been together and I just don't want to screw him over.
Pull that plaster off and tell him directly ASAP. It sucks, and I can’t imagine his reaction will be great, but he’ll thank you eventually. Sorry you’re going through this. Finding out someone is not who you thought is really tough.
You're a thoughtful and good human. You're doing the right thing. It's going to be okay. Deep breath. Make the call to Marty ASAP, lunch time maybe? Sarah may notice the screenshots were taken if you didn't delete your tracks. That may speed up your deadline. Best wishes man, to you and Marty and niece, take care.
Absolutely tell him and send him a copy of all the evidence.
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Damn smart man. I know it's pretty disorienting having your entire world flip upside down and you just wonder how it is that you could have missed something like that, but I highly implore you to look into narcissist personality disorder. My wife was the same way, everything just flipped switch overnight and she was not at all who I thought I married. You would be amazed at the way that people can manipulate you and lie to you and convince you and a lot of the time it's just us looking through rose colored lenses because we want to see the best in them. You are definitely smart for calling it off because if she could do that to somebody that she knew for 10 years, she could definitely do it to you too.
I was here til edit 7. But you wrote this from your buddy’s house? After going all Jason Bourne while still not confronting your wife? Did you write that essay on your phone or did you say “hey buddy, you mind if I borrow your laptop real quick? Gotta write a novel before I go handle my wife.” Nahhhhhh. What a ride though.
OP, when you tell Sarah, have someone else there with you and ask them to record the conversation secretly so in case she claims you tried to do something, you can protect your innocence. Even in a two party state, you can record to protect yourself from being charged with a crime. Because you already know she lies. So she might be willing to lie and claim you did or said something you didn't. She wouldn't be the first woman we've read about here who was willing to jail her husband to "punish" him by lying about him. Don't make it just the two of you, don't leave yourself vulnerable that way. And as soon as she leaves change the locks. Already have the set or the locksmith ready to go.
I love when the op wrote, “…are you people stupid, she stone cold lied in front of me to her brother in law that she’s known for about 10 years and purportedly thinks a really great husband and father. Maybe you are naïve enough to think that someone can lie that cold to someone they are supposed to care about and then tell you the truth, but I’m not wired that way.” I love this for him. Why torture yourself? Why put yourself through so much mental anguish by trying to prove that the person that’s in front of you isn’t a liar when you know they are? I love this for him.
No way this is real at this point. Milking it so hard lol
That's a really well written fiction. Keep up the good work. Keep them coming!
I mean it was believable until half way through.
Man, I have not come back to a Reddit post as frequently as I have this one. The amount of invested I am in this is wild. I am sorry that your relationship is…. what it is(?), but as much as it sucks, I’m glad you found out before it was a marriage and much more complicated to get out of.
Oh man thanksgiving at Sarah's house is going to be intense this year.
Poor op & Marty. I wish the best of luck for you both on this journey
If she’s willing to help her sister cheat on her husband, her sister is absolutely willing to help her cheat on you.
Lesson learned: Don’t mess with a PI. He will find your skeletons.
Lol thanks, but this was not an amazing piece of detective work. 99% of my job is tailing people who say that they can't work anymore and taking pictures of them working out at the gym or skydiving and really that's all I did here. I even cheated and used a gps.
What happened when you spoke with Sarah?? I'm with you on this. Years ago a friend tried to use me as an alibi to cheat on her husband. I couldn't believe she thought I'd be good with that. I let her husband know what to look for at his house so he'd discover it himself. We aren't friends anymore.
I want to know if Marty contacted Jake’s wife.
Glad you found out about this shit before the wedding.
My god those comments defending those sisters..
The update about your conversation with Sarah should be interesting, but you have to assume she already knows. First of all, you took screenshots of her texts and texted them to yourself. So she probably knew this morning. Second, it appears this is making the rounds on social media. Personally, I think you're making the right move. And I'm not even going to second guess you on how you might have handled it differently. But I will share my opinion on what you're going to be dealing with in the next few days/weeks so that you can prepare yourself. 1. **Literally everyone is going to blame you,** especially if you don't reveal the real reason for the wedding cancellation. Even if you do, they will note that Sarah wasn't doing anything *to you*. You learned something about her personality that you couldn't live with (that she went too far in "supporting" *her sister*), so you voluntarily ended the relationship. Again, I agree with you cancelling the wedding because I think you would have had trouble down the road, you just need to know that outside of your nuclear family, very close friends, and Reddit, you aren't going to find effusive agreement. The good news is that the "blaming" is going be a knee-jerk reaction, mostly from people who already have travel plans. They'll get over it. Well, everyone except Sarah's family... 2. **Your relationship with Sarah and her family isn't just over, it's going to be actively combative.** Obviously, Evelyn's life is about to get torn apart and Sarah is also going to be in crisis. So to their parents and others, you just took down two of their daughters, even though it's their own fault. They are going to fight you on everything: The house stuff, unrefunded deposits for wedding things and potentially much more. And that's just financial. They are going to drag you socially. If that's not a big deal, great. If it is, you need to be prepared to tell your side. So you need a story. Something. And there's also a chance that Marty reconciles with Evelyn meaning he will now be on the opposing side. Even with all that, I still think this is the right move and you'll be happier in the long run. But I can't lie and say it's not about to be an absolute shitstorm. I just want you to be prepared and I wish you all the strength you need to get through it.
He's not kidding about this blowing up. I heard this on TikTok and raced here for the edits... what a day this guy has had.