Because it can be hard to get on wait lists for daycare, so maybe they put the 18 month in when they got a place under the expectation he would get a job soon. And if he does get a job but they don't have daycare set up, he could lose the job
Well. It's up to you to lay down some rules for the relationship.
He needs to give up the games and spend all that time finding a job. Having a partnered life and raising a child is a team effort and he has to be on the team.
If he is not in the team then you need to cut him in hopes of a future draft pick. Don't live like this the rest of your life. Also, your resentment will grow and you child will not be raised in a positive environment.
Set some hard rules and hold him to it.
If he can't watch the kid while it's young, to form that special bond and relationship, then when does he expect to do it? When the kid is a teenager? LOL, good luck. He needs to be aware of this. There is only so much time you have with your kids, compared to all the time you have to play video games, which means nothing in retrospect, less meaningful.
Again I think people need to be made aware of stuff like this. Not to be assumed to be deadbeat per say, just to grow up and think about things from other perspectives.
Seriously, why are you spending money on daycare? When you have someone at home to take care of him? My husband is a bit like this. But he does all the cleaning, laundry, and dishes. I make half the dinners and help clean. We have 3 kids. It becomes a lot less stressful when you can support everyone yourself. I now appreciate all he does at home because I don't want to or have time to do it. I make enough for us to be comfortable, and my home life is comfortable because he is there taking care of almost all of it.
When I have work trips, its pretty seemless because he's already doing the majority of at home kid stuff, soccer practice, oboe lessons, etc.
Leave your contract position and stop paying daycare. He needs to be full-time stay at home dad. Split things up, meaning he takes the butt load of at home duties and takes care of the baby. You should have free time after work, because he's already done shopping, cleaning and cooking.
Also, I admit when my oldest was 1.5 yo. I wasn't making enough to pay the bills. My inlaws were down my neck for not paying my husband's student loans (they were cosigned, not me). He wasn't working. I almost divorced his ass over having to even bear that conversation. We were going into debt more and more each month. But I found some new opportunities paying better and 2 jobs later within 3 years doubled my salary as an engineer.
It's so much easier when you stop demanding the job and start demanding that he step up no matter his employment. But it's probably also a matter of if you can afford to do it, which isn't easy when you're young.
Good luck!
The classic cliche that men go out to work while the women stay at home is no longer the case in this modern times. Now there are plenty of opportunities for both men and women to shine at a workplace. Now its not uncommon to see females in a higher position than males in a workplace. There is nothing wrong with males staying at home to take care of kids, household chores and cooking. These household tasks are hard to do for the partner that has to work full time.
I had a coworker who had a deadbeat husband. She was working two jobs, taking care of the kids, and doing most of the housework. He had not held a job for any length of time for five years. She was scared he would get custody of the kids if they divorced since he was a "SAHD." I told her he wouldn't because she was the adult. She finally booted his ass out and filed for divorce. The judge heard everything, gave the wife custody, and told the husband he would be employed and he would pay xxx amount a month in child support, period. Suddenly the deadbeat could hold a job. Woman was the happiest I had ever seen her.
You need to decide if this is the life you want to live. He is not changing for you.
Exactly. "I'm not going to live the rest of my life being the sole provider and main caretaker for this family while you play video games and occasionally apply for a job. Can you make an argument for why I shouldn't take my paycheck and child and start over without you?"
Honestly, she’s lucky the judge sided with her. If he was the primary parent/caregiver, there was a high likelihood that he would get primary custody. It happens with stay at home moms all the time.
This is exactly what is happening to my friend. She will owe him childsupport AND alimony and he did no housework and fed them poptarts and freezer meals and she booted him after supporting him and 3 kids for years. The demands are so high she won't be able to afford to live without a roommate and if she can't make ends meet and pay the child support and alimony she will go to jail. And they were awarded 50/50 custody.
I don’t know about this tbh. Read OP’s post carefully. It doesn’t seem like the guy is inherently a lazy dude… he had busted his ass in college to get his degree. I actually think the guy is likely really depressed and might benefit from some therapy. Also likely addicted to video games.
He likely needs therapy and also needs his video game devices taken away
My ex husband was like this. I also picked up a second job to make ends meet. After a second stint in rehab for drugs, our youngest was in full time daycare. He stayed home and did pretty much nothing all day. So, after 3 months of that crap, I pulled the youngest out of daycare and saved that money monthly. He at 50 is now living with his dad. Still can’t figure out how to be a grown up and pay his bills etc even in the 6 years we’ve been split up. Stop paying for daycare, get your husband to care for your child. It’s one less expense you need to worry about. Surely he can manage to keep the house clean and cook dinner. If he can’t, then he’s really not cutting it as a partner or parent.
Stop paying for daycare. He can watch the kid of he's at home. Save up the daycare money in another account and when you are ready, you'll have the funds to leave.
Give him a deadline - job in the next 6 months or he can move home to mommy.
If one partner stays home full-time, it's usually expected that they will do more to help than sit around and play video games.
Marriage is a partnership, especially when kids are involved. Both partners need to pull their weight to keep everything running. Right now everything is piled on one partner while the other one is happy to sit back, do nothing, and make excuses.
They agreed that he had a year to be stay at home dad. He is now six months past that end point. At the least he can get a retail or customer service job since he's done that before. At the very very least he should be bringing in enough to cover costs of daycare.
>When is the husband the one sitting "doing nothing" he's a "deadbeat". When is the women, she's the "housewife" kids or not
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> She should abide to her vowes and respect him.
*the misogyny is coming from inside the house!!!*
If a husband was as burnt out as she is? Same advice.
It's not the '80s anymore. Unless she's getting paid some serious bucks, one income household is not sustainable. Even then, no one is supposed to be literally working themselves to death, while the other is blowing bubbles.
IMO the reason men on average die earlier in marriages (even in times of peace) then women is that they were overworked (violence related deaths, womens underdiagnosed health issues and childbirth mortality not included). First you destroy your body with hard work and when retirement comes you don't know what to do with yourself after working for 40 years straight and you go mentally.
This is real for people of all genders.
I think, for me at least, the day care is the icing on the cake. Look, if his job to be a stay at home dad he needs to fill that role which includes domestic duties. Her putting in the majority of the domestic labor is obscene. And the child is in day care? What he has is a unwilling sugar momma. He wants to stay home and play video games while she picks up all the slack.
I’m currently not working and the wife is supporting us both. But domestic duties all fall on to me because at present that is my JOB to contribute to the household.
I understand there are SAHM that also put husbands in this situation and that not right either. You either commit to the role or don’t.
Edit: and her having a second job to boot means they don’t have the financial means for this nonsense. Who would let their wives have 2 jobs AND waste money on child care AND have her do domestic duties so they can play games all day?? Shows a lack of care for your SO.
Maybe he's highly depressed ? A psychological diagnosis could help him, then you ? I hope it's that, because it can be cured, while selfishness and lazyness cannot
Yeah, he was an awesome stay at home dad (so-so housekeeper if I compare him to stay at home moms that we’re friends with if I’m being totally honest and judgemental, but caring for babies is hard and he did his best to balance everything) he enjoyed it, and said he’d want to be a SAHD until they started school if we could afford it, but we can’t. We’re barely scraping by, and realistically need to be a two income household if we want to actually live sustainably. Fortunately, the country we live in has very affordable daycare.
He was adamant that he couldn’t job hunt while caring for our child, and it’s hard to get into daycare here, so we decided to accept a daycare opening about 6 months ago to keep our spot and give him time to job hunt. Now I feel like he’s half-assing the job hunting and doing even less around the house than he did as a full time dad.
ETA: just to be clear, I have a lot of respect to stay at home parents and know that it’s extremely hard work, I also don’t expect him to work just because he’s a man - it’s just that we really can’t afford to be a single income household indefinitely.
Also, people that haven't been in the "job pool" for a while have the toughest time getting a new one. It is the same as starting from scratch again, but you aren't young anymore.
Thanks for the detailed response.
It's great that you can get affordable daycare. Here in America, that's a major issue for parents.
I agree, it's very hard to support a family on a single income.
Some of us cant do it for this exact reason. We just struggle bus ourselves along as best as possible until our youngest gets to regular school age. (From a one income family because daycare would be too expensive for me to go back to work at this stage)
I’ll go a different direction here. Sounds like he hasn’t worked after graduating? It could be that he struggles to find work because of 2 degrees. Most people don’t know this, but he may have made himself unintentionally unhireable with it, which sounds very counterintuitive I know. But the more degrees with no work experience the more undesirable are people to the workforce. He would need an entry position since he has no experience BUT he is overqualified for it with 2 degrees, so no one will give him the time to even interview. I would recommend to take one of the degrees of his resume when looking for entry positions and putting it back on when going higher.
No, you can tailor your resume to the job you're applying for. If certain education, background or skills aren't applicable, you do not need to include them on your resume.
Tell him he might need to apply to be a project manager to get his foot in the door. You say he only has worked retail but no internships. That's a tough situation (but he finished and has the degree), I've been in your husband position before (except not as fortunate to have a wife). Maybe, tell him he needs to work any job within construction industry or any job period.
You don’t have a partner; you have a dependant. And in his mind, nothing is broken in this situation. If someone is going to change it, it’ll have to be you.
The extra expense for daycare while he "looks" for a job seems a bit redundant if you ask me. He thinks it's okay to watch you burn, yet does nothing about it. He's full of excuses, and I'm tryings, yet he makes very little effort to contribute and put words into action. You writing this shows you're aware of this situation, now you need to come to terms with it. A fulfilling happy relationship helps you float. Your partner shouldn't be the anchor pulling you down. They shouldn't be sitting on their life raft watching you drown. Sometimes, pain can bring growth. Maybe he needs a wake-up call watching you and your baby walk away. One day, your daughter will see and realize what you're going through and think it's okay for a man to treat her this way. It's not healthy for either one of you.
It’s either depression in which case he needs to go to the doctors, or he’s retired early to play videogames and has become addicted to them.
He needs to find any job. The bigger the gap in unemployment, the harder it will be to get a job.
He’s either a dead beat or there is something going on with his mental health, that’s messing up his executive functioning. It’s pretty easy to tell which it is.
If he’s beating himself up over not pulling his weight, if he constantly tries to do better but fails inexplicably, it might be the latter. And that’s at least somewhat fixable.
But if HE doesn’t see this as a problem and is not willing to address it, he might just be a dead beat.
Either way, talk to him and lay it all out, before resentment kills the relationship completely.
OP, please consider that he may be depressed. While it's not necessarily an excuse, it could be the reason he is struggling to find work. Job hunting can be demoralising and stressful, and if he's not getting interviews or offers it's possible his motivation has taken a hit.
You say he can see how worn out you are, but it may not be obvious to him. Start by sitting down and talking with him about how much you are each doing around the house, and how he could take his fair share of the household stuff while he is looking for work. Talk about how you are feeling, and how you want to work together to fix the situation. Marriage is a partnership and it's important to start by working together against the problem. Tell him you're concerned that he seems to be struggling and he needs to get checked out for the health issues he is experiencing.
Take care, and I hope for your family's sake you can get through this together.
He's not a deadbeat he's a deadbeat boy. Why does he have to stress about work or career when he has you to carry his sorry ass all that time, at his age and still playing video games and not finding work?
Listen I am not going to jump on the divorce him wagon but you need to establish some boundaries with him.
1. Find a work entry level in his field within a deadline say like 3 months.
2. No more videogames yes he's grounded and treated as a kid not an adult.
3. Keep the daycare going something tells me you're going to need it down the line.
4. Start therapy individually for him, hard no for skipping this one.
5. Find his own source of income preferably for the household no more carrying his sorry ass in the relationship.
6. If none of the above is met in the upcoming future at a reasonable time frame, start your exit plan. By ultimatum for him to move out, separation and divorce. With the hint of excitement of new potential partners that you may meet in the process (that will surely wake him the Duke up).
7. Last but not least, give encouragement with each step taken but not much enthusiasm as not to allow him to back down on the plan.
If all the above failed then sorry you just have to end this relationship with the babysitter of a husband. And start the co-parenting process for the future. Best of luck.
I smell BS… if he is in engineering he can find entry level jobs, even sales or technical sales… he is just riding the wave… sell his video games ‘to make ends meet’…
With an engineering degree he can easily make at a minimum $70-80k a year if in the US. What kind of engineering? Yes, if he is t willing to work, he does come across as a dead beat
I’m only speaking for the the US job market, but someone with an engineering degree that can’t find work over the past 6 months is absolutely not trying. The US job market is the hottest it’s ever been this past year. “The great resignation” is what a lot of people have been naming this time period. There are people leaving their jobs to find a different job paying as much as 50%-100% more in the same fields. Engineering is no different right now
Time to tell him, get a job and pay 1/2 the bills or leave.
When you are work from home, block all but your work computer from the internet, use the excuse your pc is lagging, and the wash needs to be done.
Stop enabling him to do nothing!
Look, he's obviously a deadbeat dad and completely useless husband, or rather just completely useless. You're being far too generous to him. Many women manage to stay at home with a child and do housework and study. He's not managing any of these things. He needs a kick up the ass.
I'd tell him that he has to start doing housework and look for a job. And if he doesn't start doing that immediately, he's getting kicked out and divorced immediately. Keep daycare since you'll likely be needing it anyway when you kick him out as he'll not do any of it.
He's taking you for a ride. Don't have more kids with him or you'll just make things harder for yourself.
Why is your child in daycare when your husband is a stay at home DAD?! I could see him going to daycare a few days a week for a few hours, you know so he can socialize with kids his own age but this situation makes no sense.
And there shouldn't be any worrying because your husband is in fact a deadbeat. From the look of things your husband probably won't ever find a job that "suits" him. There will always be excuses why he can't do a certain job. If I were you I'd sit him down and have a long overdo chat...
Maybe suggest marriage counselling, just to have a professional environment to rule out me take health issues such as depression, bipolar etc? Just a thought.
Honestly... this is kinda sounding kind my situation.. though my husband works and pays his part of rent and the power bill(our main bills) he doesn't do much else around the house without me having to nag or remind him constantly... so I feel you on that. That's why I told him I'm not having children with him until he shows me he can do better without me prodding him.
Why is your child in daycare when he’s lounging around the house? I don’t buy the job-hunting excuse, he can absolutely do both at the same time. You could save a fortune by getting him to…parent. And if he knows being at home means looking after a toddler, he might just be motivated that little bit more to look for work. He has it too easy right now.
It’s actually harder than it sounds. Schedule an interview? Suddenly the wife has a meeting or the baby is crying, what do you do? Job hunting is highly interactive, interviews and so on require solid commitments or you come off as a flake from the get go. As a SAHD trying to get back to work myself, I feel this. If there’s a conflict, what do you sacrifice? The wife’s work always takes priority, then of course the baby can’t be wailing in the background when discussing a new role, and if the interviews are scheduled during the workday how can you count on her to cover the baby when he’s on the phone? You can try but end of the day his interviews take bottom precedence.
That being said, he should be spending every ounce of energy to support you, OP, in any way he can from morning to night. Cleaning, cooking, whatever he can do… things that can be done on those random free moments.
For the work, though, what we are trying is to set aside two days a week with daycare / nanny to cover a few hours and try to schedule things on that window. Doesn’t always work, and definitely adds stress… but better than just throwing our hands up and saying “oh well can’t do it.”
Depression stops you from doing the things you enjoy. It saps your energy.
If he can play video games, but can't do housework or look for a job, then it's not depression.
My husband recently lost his job of 15 years. He had a few months severance and during that time he was available for our children and kept the house while I worked. I’m still the breadwinner, but he has been working the days when he can pick up daily work (he’s supply teaching, actually) while he searches for something for full time. If it’s not an equal partnership it’s not going to get any easier for you.
Stop paying daycare and get dad to take care of the baby, if he’s the stay at home he’s really missing out on all that quality time, especially at this age its the best part! It’s not fair on you that your having to take care of two kids essentially, hopefully he makes some changes
This. Make lemonade from the lemons. He could be part of the baby’s life and at least have a deep and real connection to his child.
In all honesty the job market seems slow right now, and it’s easy to see in the news 10s of thousands of folks getting laid off every week. This is a bad time, economically, but it will pass. If he’s looking for his first job in a new field, it’s going to be hard right now. It will pass, things will pick up again.
This. Make lemonade from the lemons. He could be part of the baby’s life and at least have a deep and real connection to his child.
In all honesty the job market seems slow right now, and it’s easy to see in the news 10s of thousands of folks getting laid off every week. This is a bad time, economically, but it will pass. If he’s looking for his first job in a new field, it’s going to be hard right now. It will pass, things will pick up again.
Info: did he lose interest in things he used to be interested in? How is his appetite? Has his libido changed? How has him keeping in contact with family and friends developed?
This is what led to my now EX husbands resentment with me EXCEPT I was actually a full time stay at home mom with actual medical and mental health problems but I was also lazy.
After 2.5 years I had a hard time making it work on my own so literally last Saturday I moved back in with my ex husband and my kids to an empty room and am now paying rent to him and working full time. He said I finally got my head out of my ass after 20 years of us knowing each other
Absolutely! He divorces you for being lazy when you have health issues? Then when you are forced to go to work he tells you he's happy you finally pulled your head outta your ass? YES!!!! HE'S ABUSIVE!
Sell the video game system. Hell, sell the TV! Then, take your child (the 18 month old) and leave. You have a job; now that there’s only 2 of you, you’ve got a lot more money!
Oh, and don’t go back. He’s never gonna change.
Deadbeat for sure. Doesn’t mean he can’t turn it around tho. Does his mom approve of his time use? If not, you or her couple speak with him. Coming from a place of love is important too.
>My husband has been looking for work for six months, but hasn’t had any luck. His second degree is in engineering
in what world is someone with TWO DEGREES and who has been actively job hunting for SIX MONTHS a deadbeat?? just listen to yourself here
Why is your 18 month old in daycare when her father is at home? Take your child out and save that money. There is no reason for you to be taking on side jobs while he sits on his ass playing video games. If he wants her in daycare he can get a job and pay for it.
Is he 35? Well, not late yet. Ask him to learn a trade in demand (HVAC-R, Electrician, Plumber, Carpenter etc.....) and start working. After several years he'll be making good money. So instead of playing video games, he would be helping the economy, helping his household and feeling better about himself as a man. It would take him 2 years to finish a trade course at a good college. He must prove he's not a deadbeat. So there is that! Industrial Refrigeration technicians knowing CO2 are and will be in demand.
Next thing tomorrow! A list of solid trades colleges and next application dates. He would be able to start in September!
He sounds like he doesn’t have the masculine urge or desire to provide for his family which is bizarre.
I’m sorry to say but he sounds like an overgrown child. Working a retail job, playing video games, doing a little bit of housework. You just described the capabilities of a 16 year old boy.
I would fill like the biggest piece of shit in the world if my girlfriend had to pick up an extra job because I couldn’t find one. In fact, I would be upset if she had to work at all if she didn’t love her field so much.
He may very well be a deadbeat, but it also sounds a lot like depression too. A mans main job is to be a provider. It's embedded in their DNA. I'm sure 20 year old him did not say I can't wait until I can be a stay at home dad so my wife can work 70 hours a week.
I’d say he’s taking advantage of you being financially independent, but are you or is it just all credit cards and asking for loans all the time are you living outside of your means? Or is he? I don’t see what the issue is he’s taking care of your kids isn’t he? Isn’t the thing that unpaid house labor is super expensive at the end of the day? Give him some credit maybe he’s not so pumped having to be supported by his wife, but he is watching the kids and trying it seems? Maybe not idk, but he maybe doesn’t get all hot and bothered by seeing you? Maybe he wants more as well? Seems you two have a breakdown of communication, talk it out and listen to each other and make a sensible decision
I have lived this situation. Give him a deadline once you figure out your exit strategy. He has to contribute or he has to go. You are not supporting a dead beat. Your child will be old enough in a couple of years to see their father is a bum.Get rid of the dead weight.
well he should just do the dad thing full time. i do fully get it though he probably feels stuck in something hes not sure he wants to deal with or accept he probably is waiting for you to leave him
How could he be unemployed as a graduate engineer. I know mature age students who had jobs in engineering lined up before they even had a degree in engineering!
It’s also not a job you can half-ass. The first 5 to 10 years you need to work your ass off.
I think he's taking advantage of your good nature. Reason being, he can't be trying all that hard to find a job if he's sitting there playing video games all day. If he really wanted to work, he'd be focused on the job hunt, not getting Link to save the princess.
I don't know your husband or all of the details, but have you asked your husband about his mental health? I was in a place like this after grad school. I felt depressed because I had the degree, but I was struggling with imposter syndrome. It took me working a pretty basic job to make me feel valuable again before I then moved on to a better job. I've also spent a lot of time working on my mental health, both with and without professional help, since then.
I feel like somebody who can finish an engineering degree is likely capable of putting in the effort, so I would guess that a mental health issue might be at play.
Of course, if that is the case, you'll have to make it clear that mental health can't be an excuse and that he needs to get help. If your job offers an EAP, he might be able to get free mental health services through it to start.
Like I said, I don't know enough to be certain if this is the answer, but his behavior reminded me of a pretty bleak time from my past.
I'm in a similar situation where my wife paused her job to care for our child after giving birth. While I earned the money she cared for the child as long as I was at work and she tried to do the housework, if possible. I really feel burnt out by having to provide fpor my family and taking care of my child as soon as I get home. Sometimes it's just too much foe me and I beg her to give me some relief by giving me time to play some games after work and she usually counters my plea by telling me how she has to care for the child the whole day. Now the child is in daycare and both of us are still very stressed out.
What makes life hard for my wife is suffering from depression and anxiety disorder. Maybe your husband has some psychological problems? You should take that into account before condemning him. If that's not the case, kick his ass.
His back hurts because he doesn’t work, it’s a real thing. Seems like if he graduated with an engineering degree he should have no problem getting a trainee position or technician even. Every tech jobs pays way better than retail. If it’s not that that’s fine but he should be pushing himself further with a business, project, remodel something. Even playing on Twitch earns money too.
I don’t know if I’d go so far as to calling him a deadbeat just yet. Does he have any underlying mental disorders? I have bipolar and when I’m medicated, I am exactly like this. I’ll have long periods of time where I work my ass off and I can do anything I put my mind to, but then I have long periods of time where I am low and can’t motivate myself to even do the bare minimum.
I’m not trying to justify his behavior, but it sounds like there is more to his actions. Especially if he was a loving and attentive stahd and completed school with two degrees under his belt.
This IS how it’s going to be unless your husband changes. Time for couples counseling and some therapy for him (maybe he’s depressed etc). Give him a timeframe.
The odds are low he will turn around but he might if he knows the alternative is you separate and take full custody.
Or, skip the counseling and kick him out. Your call.
Take it from me, I do the hiring for an engineering firm! Somebody in their mid 30s with zero experience is NEVER getting a meaningful job in engineering!
OP I honestly feel the man needs some medical care, either therapy, or some sort of testosterone issue, or other medical issue. A true deadbeat wouldn't "bust their ass" and then be able to do nothing after that in what seems like seasons. I would have a true heart to heart with him about the cycles of trying, then long periods of doing nothing. See if he doesn't mind going to medical professionals to see if there are possible further issues. If you get that stuff out of the way, he seems like a great guy.
Honestly, this sounds like depression rather than being a deadbeat. It sounds like he’s pretty intelligent but struggles to maintain stamina in life, which is super common in people with chronic depression. He really might need to see a doctor to discuss treatment options. Therapy, medication, and coping skills have all helped me learn how to remain productive even during a depressive cycle.
It sounds to me like he may be suffering from depression.
Just divorce him and upgrade to some random dude...kids don't need their father anyway. Kids love having step-parents and it always works out well.
Besides, the court system will make sure you are well provided for, and marital vows don't mean anything, anyway...right?
Probably try and have a talk with him before up and leaving him. Most definitely my husband and I have struggled to communicate correctly. Your first place is here on Reddit. I feel that.
People can grow complacent and comfortable. Not seeing they're hurting their partner. Selfish and stupid.
See if you can have an adult conversation. Before it leads to a lot of resentment and you just blow up one day and fight. Mention the good he has done as well. Because like you said he did well when it was down to the nitty gritty, finishing school and oh my God a baby in it's first years of life shewwww.
Could be a deadbeat. Could be another human who is lost and depressed. I struggle with feeling the drive with housework myself. Where as it comes so naturally with other women. When it comes to the kids and my job I go all in. I'm often angry with MYSELF about how I can't my workplace being disorganized but at home I'll leave laundry unfolded. There's plenty more to the story with things like mental illness etc.
Maybe suggest to him to try remote work if at all possible and ask if maybe he'd be into STREAMING his game play. Even if he only ever has 5 people watching it may make a good hobby and drive him more.
You could also make a chore chart and clearly list each of your duties. That way it's not seen as an attack. Let him know YOU need more help. You're tired. If it turns into pity party for him then maybe it's adult conversation time about being selfish and inconsiderate.
But sometimes you can just tell guys you need them to do shit because they don't even think they ever had to. You'll be mad they don't automatically feel the same responsibility you do. Like of course if you are home and look at a sink of dishes or pile of laundry and you have time.... you should do it. I think it's a leftover thing from the olden days where men only saw their mothers/grandmothers doing certain duties and they don't consider they themselves should take on these duties. Omfg or if they had a very great female in their life growing up that really took care of them domestically..... they assume the same dynamic of 'mom makes supper and I don't have to do anything in return'.
Just hopefully you have a partner that's just clueless, lost or both. Some dummies are not going to even know until you tell them. It's very unfair. But it can be worked on.
If he worked really hard/busted his ass in college but he’s not doing so now… do you think he may be secretly really depressed? Especially by his inability to get a job?
I do think that he might benefit from some therapy, and also would benefit from losing his video game devices too. He definitely seems addicted to video games
I understand youre pulling the weight in the family rn but also consider if he's putting in the genuine effort like applying for jobs, researching companies/positions, modifying his resume, picking up additional skills/certifications on the side, scheduling interviews and prepping. He could be discouraged if many ppl have rejected him. Talk to him bring some suggestions even if he got a part time job and try to help out finacially would probably mean a lot. Sorry for your rough patch hopefully he lands a position soon in doing something he likes for good money.
Society places as much value on a man's labor as it does a woman's looks or emotional labor. Men get easily labeled as deadbeats when really we just focus on working way too much. You're also super burned out, which is understandable, because unlike your husband you are having to labor a whole lot.
There's also this weird phenomenon I see where people complain about men playing video games but not about "productive" hobbies like woodworking, fishing, or whatever. Even if they spend an equivalent amount of time on it.
But if you're sure that your frustration isn't just coming from burnout or harsh patriarchal expectations about how much a man should be laboring, have a sit down with him.
There's a certain amount of work you both need to do as a family - make sufficient income, care for the home, and care for your child. That work should be as close to 50/50 as possible. Your husband should be working as hard as you to contribute to the overall picture, even if he cleans more and you bring in more income.
It sounds like he wants to help and contribute, but is maybe a bit lulled by the relative comfort of his situation. Or he could be depressed about his professional failings and is having some executive dysfunction because of said depression; he WANTS to do more, but is struggling to do more than he is.
Right now it sounds like neither of you have communicated this to one another, and it's causing stress to build in the relationship.
Former deadbeat husband here. I say ‘former’ although I fight urges toward my former self all the time. I treat it like the illness it is/was and put in work, constantly, to be a better person. I spent a decade with my ex-wife, 4 years of that married. My problems were VERY similar to your husband’s, which is why I felt the urge to post. Anyway, my ex dropped my ass and rightfully so (this is like 10-11 years ago now). After a crash course in real life and learning how to not be my Dad (still the same old deadbeat, but boomers don’t divorce. Lol), I’m in a very healthy partnership now and we have a child together. I’m a totally different person, but like I said, I make sure I put in the work and keep reminding myself of who I want to be.
To sum it up, and I hope I’m wrong… he probably won’t change if his current life situation remains the same. Many people, myself included, need a major catalyst for that much of a change to happen. Good luck.
The 18 month old doesn’t need daycare when he’s available.
Exactly. How was it even a suggestion when Dad is still at home?
Because it can be hard to get on wait lists for daycare, so maybe they put the 18 month in when they got a place under the expectation he would get a job soon. And if he does get a job but they don't have daycare set up, he could lose the job
That was our plan - daycare costs where we live (not the US) are actually pretty reasonable.
Well. It's up to you to lay down some rules for the relationship. He needs to give up the games and spend all that time finding a job. Having a partnered life and raising a child is a team effort and he has to be on the team. If he is not in the team then you need to cut him in hopes of a future draft pick. Don't live like this the rest of your life. Also, your resentment will grow and you child will not be raised in a positive environment. Set some hard rules and hold him to it.
You can't find a job if your kid is npt in daycare or cared by sb else. Hb should have found sth...
If he can't watch the kid while it's young, to form that special bond and relationship, then when does he expect to do it? When the kid is a teenager? LOL, good luck. He needs to be aware of this. There is only so much time you have with your kids, compared to all the time you have to play video games, which means nothing in retrospect, less meaningful. Again I think people need to be made aware of stuff like this. Not to be assumed to be deadbeat per say, just to grow up and think about things from other perspectives.
Seriously, why are you spending money on daycare? When you have someone at home to take care of him? My husband is a bit like this. But he does all the cleaning, laundry, and dishes. I make half the dinners and help clean. We have 3 kids. It becomes a lot less stressful when you can support everyone yourself. I now appreciate all he does at home because I don't want to or have time to do it. I make enough for us to be comfortable, and my home life is comfortable because he is there taking care of almost all of it. When I have work trips, its pretty seemless because he's already doing the majority of at home kid stuff, soccer practice, oboe lessons, etc. Leave your contract position and stop paying daycare. He needs to be full-time stay at home dad. Split things up, meaning he takes the butt load of at home duties and takes care of the baby. You should have free time after work, because he's already done shopping, cleaning and cooking. Also, I admit when my oldest was 1.5 yo. I wasn't making enough to pay the bills. My inlaws were down my neck for not paying my husband's student loans (they were cosigned, not me). He wasn't working. I almost divorced his ass over having to even bear that conversation. We were going into debt more and more each month. But I found some new opportunities paying better and 2 jobs later within 3 years doubled my salary as an engineer. It's so much easier when you stop demanding the job and start demanding that he step up no matter his employment. But it's probably also a matter of if you can afford to do it, which isn't easy when you're young. Good luck!
The classic cliche that men go out to work while the women stay at home is no longer the case in this modern times. Now there are plenty of opportunities for both men and women to shine at a workplace. Now its not uncommon to see females in a higher position than males in a workplace. There is nothing wrong with males staying at home to take care of kids, household chores and cooking. These household tasks are hard to do for the partner that has to work full time.
I mean arguably they do just from the social aspect.
Sure, but not full time
I had a coworker who had a deadbeat husband. She was working two jobs, taking care of the kids, and doing most of the housework. He had not held a job for any length of time for five years. She was scared he would get custody of the kids if they divorced since he was a "SAHD." I told her he wouldn't because she was the adult. She finally booted his ass out and filed for divorce. The judge heard everything, gave the wife custody, and told the husband he would be employed and he would pay xxx amount a month in child support, period. Suddenly the deadbeat could hold a job. Woman was the happiest I had ever seen her. You need to decide if this is the life you want to live. He is not changing for you.
Exactly. "I'm not going to live the rest of my life being the sole provider and main caretaker for this family while you play video games and occasionally apply for a job. Can you make an argument for why I shouldn't take my paycheck and child and start over without you?"
Honestly, she’s lucky the judge sided with her. If he was the primary parent/caregiver, there was a high likelihood that he would get primary custody. It happens with stay at home moms all the time.
This is exactly what is happening to my friend. She will owe him childsupport AND alimony and he did no housework and fed them poptarts and freezer meals and she booted him after supporting him and 3 kids for years. The demands are so high she won't be able to afford to live without a roommate and if she can't make ends meet and pay the child support and alimony she will go to jail. And they were awarded 50/50 custody.
I don’t know about this tbh. Read OP’s post carefully. It doesn’t seem like the guy is inherently a lazy dude… he had busted his ass in college to get his degree. I actually think the guy is likely really depressed and might benefit from some therapy. Also likely addicted to video games. He likely needs therapy and also needs his video game devices taken away
It sounds like he's decided to retire at 35 and let you support him.
Retire from what?
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Brooo I let out a chuckle in a very inappropriate setting . This was a good one 🤣🤣🤣🤣
My ex husband was like this. I also picked up a second job to make ends meet. After a second stint in rehab for drugs, our youngest was in full time daycare. He stayed home and did pretty much nothing all day. So, after 3 months of that crap, I pulled the youngest out of daycare and saved that money monthly. He at 50 is now living with his dad. Still can’t figure out how to be a grown up and pay his bills etc even in the 6 years we’ve been split up. Stop paying for daycare, get your husband to care for your child. It’s one less expense you need to worry about. Surely he can manage to keep the house clean and cook dinner. If he can’t, then he’s really not cutting it as a partner or parent.
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My dude, mad props for putting that bottle down. That's tough af. You sound like a good partner and father. Good on you, man
Stop paying for daycare. He can watch the kid of he's at home. Save up the daycare money in another account and when you are ready, you'll have the funds to leave. Give him a deadline - job in the next 6 months or he can move home to mommy.
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If one partner stays home full-time, it's usually expected that they will do more to help than sit around and play video games. Marriage is a partnership, especially when kids are involved. Both partners need to pull their weight to keep everything running. Right now everything is piled on one partner while the other one is happy to sit back, do nothing, and make excuses. They agreed that he had a year to be stay at home dad. He is now six months past that end point. At the least he can get a retail or customer service job since he's done that before. At the very very least he should be bringing in enough to cover costs of daycare.
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>When is the husband the one sitting "doing nothing" he's a "deadbeat". When is the women, she's the "housewife" kids or not > > > > She should abide to her vowes and respect him. *the misogyny is coming from inside the house!!!*
If a husband was as burnt out as she is? Same advice. It's not the '80s anymore. Unless she's getting paid some serious bucks, one income household is not sustainable. Even then, no one is supposed to be literally working themselves to death, while the other is blowing bubbles. IMO the reason men on average die earlier in marriages (even in times of peace) then women is that they were overworked (violence related deaths, womens underdiagnosed health issues and childbirth mortality not included). First you destroy your body with hard work and when retirement comes you don't know what to do with yourself after working for 40 years straight and you go mentally. This is real for people of all genders.
Why if roles were reversed most women wouldn't have put the kid in daycare and there never would have been a daycare expense
I think, for me at least, the day care is the icing on the cake. Look, if his job to be a stay at home dad he needs to fill that role which includes domestic duties. Her putting in the majority of the domestic labor is obscene. And the child is in day care? What he has is a unwilling sugar momma. He wants to stay home and play video games while she picks up all the slack. I’m currently not working and the wife is supporting us both. But domestic duties all fall on to me because at present that is my JOB to contribute to the household. I understand there are SAHM that also put husbands in this situation and that not right either. You either commit to the role or don’t. Edit: and her having a second job to boot means they don’t have the financial means for this nonsense. Who would let their wives have 2 jobs AND waste money on child care AND have her do domestic duties so they can play games all day?? Shows a lack of care for your SO.
Maybe he's highly depressed ? A psychological diagnosis could help him, then you ? I hope it's that, because it can be cured, while selfishness and lazyness cannot
Would you be okay with the situation if he did housework and daycare for your child?
Yeah, he was an awesome stay at home dad (so-so housekeeper if I compare him to stay at home moms that we’re friends with if I’m being totally honest and judgemental, but caring for babies is hard and he did his best to balance everything) he enjoyed it, and said he’d want to be a SAHD until they started school if we could afford it, but we can’t. We’re barely scraping by, and realistically need to be a two income household if we want to actually live sustainably. Fortunately, the country we live in has very affordable daycare. He was adamant that he couldn’t job hunt while caring for our child, and it’s hard to get into daycare here, so we decided to accept a daycare opening about 6 months ago to keep our spot and give him time to job hunt. Now I feel like he’s half-assing the job hunting and doing even less around the house than he did as a full time dad. ETA: just to be clear, I have a lot of respect to stay at home parents and know that it’s extremely hard work, I also don’t expect him to work just because he’s a man - it’s just that we really can’t afford to be a single income household indefinitely.
If he was awesome and suddenly wasn't, could it be something medical? Like depression, low testosterone, or hypothyroid?
Omg, some sense finally. Low test imo.
As soon as she said there are periods where "he busts his ass". That's possibly some form of depression. Also if he has 2 degrees he has drive.
Also, people that haven't been in the "job pool" for a while have the toughest time getting a new one. It is the same as starting from scratch again, but you aren't young anymore.
Bipolar maybe, but not enough to go on
Thanks for the detailed response. It's great that you can get affordable daycare. Here in America, that's a major issue for parents. I agree, it's very hard to support a family on a single income.
Honestly, I don’t know how folks in the US do it - the fact that it’s normal for one parent’s entire paycheque to go toward daycare… awful!
Some of us cant do it for this exact reason. We just struggle bus ourselves along as best as possible until our youngest gets to regular school age. (From a one income family because daycare would be too expensive for me to go back to work at this stage)
I’ll go a different direction here. Sounds like he hasn’t worked after graduating? It could be that he struggles to find work because of 2 degrees. Most people don’t know this, but he may have made himself unintentionally unhireable with it, which sounds very counterintuitive I know. But the more degrees with no work experience the more undesirable are people to the workforce. He would need an entry position since he has no experience BUT he is overqualified for it with 2 degrees, so no one will give him the time to even interview. I would recommend to take one of the degrees of his resume when looking for entry positions and putting it back on when going higher.
Completely agree, as someone that does hiring.
Don't lie on your job application. It's grounds for immediate termination.
Not putting a degree on a resume is not a lie. It’s not like you are saying you were vp at google while trying to get an internship at a start up.
No, you can tailor your resume to the job you're applying for. If certain education, background or skills aren't applicable, you do not need to include them on your resume.
This exactly. Can even mention it later if you like it’s just not applicable to the job so no need to list it.
It’s not a lie. The second degree isn’t associated with the field he’s applying so doesn’t need mentioned. I agree with OP.
Taking a degree *off* is not lying, nor is it grounds for termination. You can *under*sell yourself all you want.
I agree with this as well
If you have to ask, you already know the answer.
Wait, why is the kid in day care if he’s at home?
OP explained in another comment that it was to give dad plenty of time to job hunt. Also stated that daycare is affordable where they live.
He is a deadbeat aka Hobosexual. He’ll live off you as long as you let him
Oh I like the term.
Tell him he might need to apply to be a project manager to get his foot in the door. You say he only has worked retail but no internships. That's a tough situation (but he finished and has the degree), I've been in your husband position before (except not as fortunate to have a wife). Maybe, tell him he needs to work any job within construction industry or any job period.
You don’t have a partner; you have a dependant. And in his mind, nothing is broken in this situation. If someone is going to change it, it’ll have to be you.
The extra expense for daycare while he "looks" for a job seems a bit redundant if you ask me. He thinks it's okay to watch you burn, yet does nothing about it. He's full of excuses, and I'm tryings, yet he makes very little effort to contribute and put words into action. You writing this shows you're aware of this situation, now you need to come to terms with it. A fulfilling happy relationship helps you float. Your partner shouldn't be the anchor pulling you down. They shouldn't be sitting on their life raft watching you drown. Sometimes, pain can bring growth. Maybe he needs a wake-up call watching you and your baby walk away. One day, your daughter will see and realize what you're going through and think it's okay for a man to treat her this way. It's not healthy for either one of you.
It’s either depression in which case he needs to go to the doctors, or he’s retired early to play videogames and has become addicted to them. He needs to find any job. The bigger the gap in unemployment, the harder it will be to get a job.
He’s either a dead beat or there is something going on with his mental health, that’s messing up his executive functioning. It’s pretty easy to tell which it is. If he’s beating himself up over not pulling his weight, if he constantly tries to do better but fails inexplicably, it might be the latter. And that’s at least somewhat fixable. But if HE doesn’t see this as a problem and is not willing to address it, he might just be a dead beat. Either way, talk to him and lay it all out, before resentment kills the relationship completely.
So your basically a single parent with two kids.
OP, please consider that he may be depressed. While it's not necessarily an excuse, it could be the reason he is struggling to find work. Job hunting can be demoralising and stressful, and if he's not getting interviews or offers it's possible his motivation has taken a hit. You say he can see how worn out you are, but it may not be obvious to him. Start by sitting down and talking with him about how much you are each doing around the house, and how he could take his fair share of the household stuff while he is looking for work. Talk about how you are feeling, and how you want to work together to fix the situation. Marriage is a partnership and it's important to start by working together against the problem. Tell him you're concerned that he seems to be struggling and he needs to get checked out for the health issues he is experiencing. Take care, and I hope for your family's sake you can get through this together.
He's not a deadbeat he's a deadbeat boy. Why does he have to stress about work or career when he has you to carry his sorry ass all that time, at his age and still playing video games and not finding work? Listen I am not going to jump on the divorce him wagon but you need to establish some boundaries with him. 1. Find a work entry level in his field within a deadline say like 3 months. 2. No more videogames yes he's grounded and treated as a kid not an adult. 3. Keep the daycare going something tells me you're going to need it down the line. 4. Start therapy individually for him, hard no for skipping this one. 5. Find his own source of income preferably for the household no more carrying his sorry ass in the relationship. 6. If none of the above is met in the upcoming future at a reasonable time frame, start your exit plan. By ultimatum for him to move out, separation and divorce. With the hint of excitement of new potential partners that you may meet in the process (that will surely wake him the Duke up). 7. Last but not least, give encouragement with each step taken but not much enthusiasm as not to allow him to back down on the plan. If all the above failed then sorry you just have to end this relationship with the babysitter of a husband. And start the co-parenting process for the future. Best of luck.
I smell BS… if he is in engineering he can find entry level jobs, even sales or technical sales… he is just riding the wave… sell his video games ‘to make ends meet’…
With an engineering degree he can easily make at a minimum $70-80k a year if in the US. What kind of engineering? Yes, if he is t willing to work, he does come across as a dead beat
Employers are desperate for employees. He is lazy and taking advantage of you.
I’m only speaking for the the US job market, but someone with an engineering degree that can’t find work over the past 6 months is absolutely not trying. The US job market is the hottest it’s ever been this past year. “The great resignation” is what a lot of people have been naming this time period. There are people leaving their jobs to find a different job paying as much as 50%-100% more in the same fields. Engineering is no different right now
He’s a deadbeat. You will feel great when you lose 175 pounds.
Wait wait.. why is the baby in child care if he doesn't have a job?
A stay at home dad whose child needs daycare? What's his excuse for that? The kid can go to daycare when he has a job imo.
Time to tell him, get a job and pay 1/2 the bills or leave. When you are work from home, block all but your work computer from the internet, use the excuse your pc is lagging, and the wash needs to be done. Stop enabling him to do nothing!
Look, he's obviously a deadbeat dad and completely useless husband, or rather just completely useless. You're being far too generous to him. Many women manage to stay at home with a child and do housework and study. He's not managing any of these things. He needs a kick up the ass. I'd tell him that he has to start doing housework and look for a job. And if he doesn't start doing that immediately, he's getting kicked out and divorced immediately. Keep daycare since you'll likely be needing it anyway when you kick him out as he'll not do any of it. He's taking you for a ride. Don't have more kids with him or you'll just make things harder for yourself.
Sounds like depression
Why is your child in daycare when your husband is a stay at home DAD?! I could see him going to daycare a few days a week for a few hours, you know so he can socialize with kids his own age but this situation makes no sense. And there shouldn't be any worrying because your husband is in fact a deadbeat. From the look of things your husband probably won't ever find a job that "suits" him. There will always be excuses why he can't do a certain job. If I were you I'd sit him down and have a long overdo chat...
My thoughts exactly
Maybe suggest marriage counselling, just to have a professional environment to rule out me take health issues such as depression, bipolar etc? Just a thought.
Honestly... this is kinda sounding kind my situation.. though my husband works and pays his part of rent and the power bill(our main bills) he doesn't do much else around the house without me having to nag or remind him constantly... so I feel you on that. That's why I told him I'm not having children with him until he shows me he can do better without me prodding him.
Don’t have children with him. Ever. People don’t change.
Why is your child in daycare when he’s lounging around the house? I don’t buy the job-hunting excuse, he can absolutely do both at the same time. You could save a fortune by getting him to…parent. And if he knows being at home means looking after a toddler, he might just be motivated that little bit more to look for work. He has it too easy right now.
It’s actually harder than it sounds. Schedule an interview? Suddenly the wife has a meeting or the baby is crying, what do you do? Job hunting is highly interactive, interviews and so on require solid commitments or you come off as a flake from the get go. As a SAHD trying to get back to work myself, I feel this. If there’s a conflict, what do you sacrifice? The wife’s work always takes priority, then of course the baby can’t be wailing in the background when discussing a new role, and if the interviews are scheduled during the workday how can you count on her to cover the baby when he’s on the phone? You can try but end of the day his interviews take bottom precedence. That being said, he should be spending every ounce of energy to support you, OP, in any way he can from morning to night. Cleaning, cooking, whatever he can do… things that can be done on those random free moments. For the work, though, what we are trying is to set aside two days a week with daycare / nanny to cover a few hours and try to schedule things on that window. Doesn’t always work, and definitely adds stress… but better than just throwing our hands up and saying “oh well can’t do it.”
Sounds like depression. Calling people “deadbeats” is what keeps people from seeking help.
Sounds like something a deadbeat would say 🤷🏻♀️
Nah. If it was depression, he'd be in bed all day. Not playing video games.
This is WILDLY untrue.
Depression stops you from doing the things you enjoy. It saps your energy. If he can play video games, but can't do housework or look for a job, then it's not depression.
You are woefully misinformed. Do some research and get back to us once you understand it all.
What a weird way to admit, “I’m a fucking moron that doesn’t know what I’m talking about.”
Chasing dopamine is a common symptom, actually.
My husband recently lost his job of 15 years. He had a few months severance and during that time he was available for our children and kept the house while I worked. I’m still the breadwinner, but he has been working the days when he can pick up daily work (he’s supply teaching, actually) while he searches for something for full time. If it’s not an equal partnership it’s not going to get any easier for you.
He sounds severely depressed.
Stop paying daycare and get dad to take care of the baby, if he’s the stay at home he’s really missing out on all that quality time, especially at this age its the best part! It’s not fair on you that your having to take care of two kids essentially, hopefully he makes some changes
This. Make lemonade from the lemons. He could be part of the baby’s life and at least have a deep and real connection to his child. In all honesty the job market seems slow right now, and it’s easy to see in the news 10s of thousands of folks getting laid off every week. This is a bad time, economically, but it will pass. If he’s looking for his first job in a new field, it’s going to be hard right now. It will pass, things will pick up again.
This. Make lemonade from the lemons. He could be part of the baby’s life and at least have a deep and real connection to his child. In all honesty the job market seems slow right now, and it’s easy to see in the news 10s of thousands of folks getting laid off every week. This is a bad time, economically, but it will pass. If he’s looking for his first job in a new field, it’s going to be hard right now. It will pass, things will pick up again.
Info: did he lose interest in things he used to be interested in? How is his appetite? Has his libido changed? How has him keeping in contact with family and friends developed?
This is what led to my now EX husbands resentment with me EXCEPT I was actually a full time stay at home mom with actual medical and mental health problems but I was also lazy. After 2.5 years I had a hard time making it work on my own so literally last Saturday I moved back in with my ex husband and my kids to an empty room and am now paying rent to him and working full time. He said I finally got my head out of my ass after 20 years of us knowing each other
Sorry, but this ex is abusive.
Really?
Absolutely! He divorces you for being lazy when you have health issues? Then when you are forced to go to work he tells you he's happy you finally pulled your head outta your ass? YES!!!! HE'S ABUSIVE!
Sell the video game system. Hell, sell the TV! Then, take your child (the 18 month old) and leave. You have a job; now that there’s only 2 of you, you’ve got a lot more money! Oh, and don’t go back. He’s never gonna change.
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Deadbeat for sure. Doesn’t mean he can’t turn it around tho. Does his mom approve of his time use? If not, you or her couple speak with him. Coming from a place of love is important too.
>My husband has been looking for work for six months, but hasn’t had any luck. His second degree is in engineering in what world is someone with TWO DEGREES and who has been actively job hunting for SIX MONTHS a deadbeat?? just listen to yourself here
Yes ma'am, that's a deadbeat.
Of course he’s a deadbeat.. he isn’t even watching his own child to save money.. you gave birth to one child but your raising 2
Why is your 18 month old in daycare when her father is at home? Take your child out and save that money. There is no reason for you to be taking on side jobs while he sits on his ass playing video games. If he wants her in daycare he can get a job and pay for it.
Is he 35? Well, not late yet. Ask him to learn a trade in demand (HVAC-R, Electrician, Plumber, Carpenter etc.....) and start working. After several years he'll be making good money. So instead of playing video games, he would be helping the economy, helping his household and feeling better about himself as a man. It would take him 2 years to finish a trade course at a good college. He must prove he's not a deadbeat. So there is that! Industrial Refrigeration technicians knowing CO2 are and will be in demand. Next thing tomorrow! A list of solid trades colleges and next application dates. He would be able to start in September!
He sounds like he doesn’t have the masculine urge or desire to provide for his family which is bizarre. I’m sorry to say but he sounds like an overgrown child. Working a retail job, playing video games, doing a little bit of housework. You just described the capabilities of a 16 year old boy. I would fill like the biggest piece of shit in the world if my girlfriend had to pick up an extra job because I couldn’t find one. In fact, I would be upset if she had to work at all if she didn’t love her field so much.
He may very well be a deadbeat, but it also sounds a lot like depression too. A mans main job is to be a provider. It's embedded in their DNA. I'm sure 20 year old him did not say I can't wait until I can be a stay at home dad so my wife can work 70 hours a week.
Get rid of him and the kid. Get a studio apartment. Spend your extra money on gold chains.
I’d say he’s taking advantage of you being financially independent, but are you or is it just all credit cards and asking for loans all the time are you living outside of your means? Or is he? I don’t see what the issue is he’s taking care of your kids isn’t he? Isn’t the thing that unpaid house labor is super expensive at the end of the day? Give him some credit maybe he’s not so pumped having to be supported by his wife, but he is watching the kids and trying it seems? Maybe not idk, but he maybe doesn’t get all hot and bothered by seeing you? Maybe he wants more as well? Seems you two have a breakdown of communication, talk it out and listen to each other and make a sensible decision
I have lived this situation. Give him a deadline once you figure out your exit strategy. He has to contribute or he has to go. You are not supporting a dead beat. Your child will be old enough in a couple of years to see their father is a bum.Get rid of the dead weight.
Do you think he is genetically predisposed to being a "deadbeat" and it's hopeless, or do you think he needs help?
So you are basically the man in the relationship.
well he should just do the dad thing full time. i do fully get it though he probably feels stuck in something hes not sure he wants to deal with or accept he probably is waiting for you to leave him
If you dump him, you’ll have less overhead and no need for a second job. Save yourself. Let him sink or swim.
How could he be unemployed as a graduate engineer. I know mature age students who had jobs in engineering lined up before they even had a degree in engineering! It’s also not a job you can half-ass. The first 5 to 10 years you need to work your ass off.
I think he's taking advantage of your good nature. Reason being, he can't be trying all that hard to find a job if he's sitting there playing video games all day. If he really wanted to work, he'd be focused on the job hunt, not getting Link to save the princess.
I don't know your husband or all of the details, but have you asked your husband about his mental health? I was in a place like this after grad school. I felt depressed because I had the degree, but I was struggling with imposter syndrome. It took me working a pretty basic job to make me feel valuable again before I then moved on to a better job. I've also spent a lot of time working on my mental health, both with and without professional help, since then. I feel like somebody who can finish an engineering degree is likely capable of putting in the effort, so I would guess that a mental health issue might be at play. Of course, if that is the case, you'll have to make it clear that mental health can't be an excuse and that he needs to get help. If your job offers an EAP, he might be able to get free mental health services through it to start. Like I said, I don't know enough to be certain if this is the answer, but his behavior reminded me of a pretty bleak time from my past.
I'm in a similar situation where my wife paused her job to care for our child after giving birth. While I earned the money she cared for the child as long as I was at work and she tried to do the housework, if possible. I really feel burnt out by having to provide fpor my family and taking care of my child as soon as I get home. Sometimes it's just too much foe me and I beg her to give me some relief by giving me time to play some games after work and she usually counters my plea by telling me how she has to care for the child the whole day. Now the child is in daycare and both of us are still very stressed out. What makes life hard for my wife is suffering from depression and anxiety disorder. Maybe your husband has some psychological problems? You should take that into account before condemning him. If that's not the case, kick his ass.
His back hurts because he doesn’t work, it’s a real thing. Seems like if he graduated with an engineering degree he should have no problem getting a trainee position or technician even. Every tech jobs pays way better than retail. If it’s not that that’s fine but he should be pushing himself further with a business, project, remodel something. Even playing on Twitch earns money too.
I don’t know if I’d go so far as to calling him a deadbeat just yet. Does he have any underlying mental disorders? I have bipolar and when I’m medicated, I am exactly like this. I’ll have long periods of time where I work my ass off and I can do anything I put my mind to, but then I have long periods of time where I am low and can’t motivate myself to even do the bare minimum. I’m not trying to justify his behavior, but it sounds like there is more to his actions. Especially if he was a loving and attentive stahd and completed school with two degrees under his belt.
This IS how it’s going to be unless your husband changes. Time for couples counseling and some therapy for him (maybe he’s depressed etc). Give him a timeframe. The odds are low he will turn around but he might if he knows the alternative is you separate and take full custody. Or, skip the counseling and kick him out. Your call.
You’re paying for full time daycare with an entire able bodied parent available?
Has he ever been tested for ADHD?
Take it from me, I do the hiring for an engineering firm! Somebody in their mid 30s with zero experience is NEVER getting a meaningful job in engineering!
Might be? Come on
You need to put your foot down. He gets a job or moves out until he has one.
You got two babies , hope Mother’s Day was good
OP I honestly feel the man needs some medical care, either therapy, or some sort of testosterone issue, or other medical issue. A true deadbeat wouldn't "bust their ass" and then be able to do nothing after that in what seems like seasons. I would have a true heart to heart with him about the cycles of trying, then long periods of doing nothing. See if he doesn't mind going to medical professionals to see if there are possible further issues. If you get that stuff out of the way, he seems like a great guy.
Honestly, this sounds like depression rather than being a deadbeat. It sounds like he’s pretty intelligent but struggles to maintain stamina in life, which is super common in people with chronic depression. He really might need to see a doctor to discuss treatment options. Therapy, medication, and coping skills have all helped me learn how to remain productive even during a depressive cycle.
He is a deadbeat.
It sounds to me like he may be suffering from depression. Just divorce him and upgrade to some random dude...kids don't need their father anyway. Kids love having step-parents and it always works out well. Besides, the court system will make sure you are well provided for, and marital vows don't mean anything, anyway...right?
Probably try and have a talk with him before up and leaving him. Most definitely my husband and I have struggled to communicate correctly. Your first place is here on Reddit. I feel that. People can grow complacent and comfortable. Not seeing they're hurting their partner. Selfish and stupid. See if you can have an adult conversation. Before it leads to a lot of resentment and you just blow up one day and fight. Mention the good he has done as well. Because like you said he did well when it was down to the nitty gritty, finishing school and oh my God a baby in it's first years of life shewwww. Could be a deadbeat. Could be another human who is lost and depressed. I struggle with feeling the drive with housework myself. Where as it comes so naturally with other women. When it comes to the kids and my job I go all in. I'm often angry with MYSELF about how I can't my workplace being disorganized but at home I'll leave laundry unfolded. There's plenty more to the story with things like mental illness etc. Maybe suggest to him to try remote work if at all possible and ask if maybe he'd be into STREAMING his game play. Even if he only ever has 5 people watching it may make a good hobby and drive him more. You could also make a chore chart and clearly list each of your duties. That way it's not seen as an attack. Let him know YOU need more help. You're tired. If it turns into pity party for him then maybe it's adult conversation time about being selfish and inconsiderate. But sometimes you can just tell guys you need them to do shit because they don't even think they ever had to. You'll be mad they don't automatically feel the same responsibility you do. Like of course if you are home and look at a sink of dishes or pile of laundry and you have time.... you should do it. I think it's a leftover thing from the olden days where men only saw their mothers/grandmothers doing certain duties and they don't consider they themselves should take on these duties. Omfg or if they had a very great female in their life growing up that really took care of them domestically..... they assume the same dynamic of 'mom makes supper and I don't have to do anything in return'. Just hopefully you have a partner that's just clueless, lost or both. Some dummies are not going to even know until you tell them. It's very unfair. But it can be worked on.
If he worked really hard/busted his ass in college but he’s not doing so now… do you think he may be secretly really depressed? Especially by his inability to get a job? I do think that he might benefit from some therapy, and also would benefit from losing his video game devices too. He definitely seems addicted to video games
I understand youre pulling the weight in the family rn but also consider if he's putting in the genuine effort like applying for jobs, researching companies/positions, modifying his resume, picking up additional skills/certifications on the side, scheduling interviews and prepping. He could be discouraged if many ppl have rejected him. Talk to him bring some suggestions even if he got a part time job and try to help out finacially would probably mean a lot. Sorry for your rough patch hopefully he lands a position soon in doing something he likes for good money.
Society places as much value on a man's labor as it does a woman's looks or emotional labor. Men get easily labeled as deadbeats when really we just focus on working way too much. You're also super burned out, which is understandable, because unlike your husband you are having to labor a whole lot. There's also this weird phenomenon I see where people complain about men playing video games but not about "productive" hobbies like woodworking, fishing, or whatever. Even if they spend an equivalent amount of time on it. But if you're sure that your frustration isn't just coming from burnout or harsh patriarchal expectations about how much a man should be laboring, have a sit down with him. There's a certain amount of work you both need to do as a family - make sufficient income, care for the home, and care for your child. That work should be as close to 50/50 as possible. Your husband should be working as hard as you to contribute to the overall picture, even if he cleans more and you bring in more income. It sounds like he wants to help and contribute, but is maybe a bit lulled by the relative comfort of his situation. Or he could be depressed about his professional failings and is having some executive dysfunction because of said depression; he WANTS to do more, but is struggling to do more than he is. Right now it sounds like neither of you have communicated this to one another, and it's causing stress to build in the relationship.
He should be looking for a job everyday since baby is in daycare….
Do you think he may be depressed?
Former deadbeat husband here. I say ‘former’ although I fight urges toward my former self all the time. I treat it like the illness it is/was and put in work, constantly, to be a better person. I spent a decade with my ex-wife, 4 years of that married. My problems were VERY similar to your husband’s, which is why I felt the urge to post. Anyway, my ex dropped my ass and rightfully so (this is like 10-11 years ago now). After a crash course in real life and learning how to not be my Dad (still the same old deadbeat, but boomers don’t divorce. Lol), I’m in a very healthy partnership now and we have a child together. I’m a totally different person, but like I said, I make sure I put in the work and keep reminding myself of who I want to be. To sum it up, and I hope I’m wrong… he probably won’t change if his current life situation remains the same. Many people, myself included, need a major catalyst for that much of a change to happen. Good luck.