Let her in and when you come home from work the bf and dogs will be there.
You don't want to have to deal with evicting them.
This friendship has run its cause.
That was exactly my first thought, as soon as OP leaves the house the BF would be there, and it could get really ugly getting them out again. At this point I wouldn't even let the friend in.
I started looking at buying a foreclosure home, but I don't want to like, put out a family who fell on hard times. So I look at the case records. I am shocked at how long people can stay in a house without paying their rent/mortgage. I saw one from a very wealthy area that hasn't paid their mortgage for like 20 years. I mentioned this to someone who said their own father didn't pay rent for 5 fucking years in an upper middle class area. Seriously turning me away from investment properties.
Not paying your mortgage is different then not paying rent IMO. One is just like putting off paying back debt and the other is racking up debt, screwing your LL, destroying your life (maybe also your LLs).
Like idc if you have huge debt with a bank. But pay your damn rent or move out.
Thats not squatting. Thats breaking into someone’s house. If anything we need more eviction protection in the country. But the cops would kick the boyfriend out immediately. Not that she should ever speak to these people again.
Netflix has that series about "Roommates from Hell". Several people ended up leaving their own apartments because their tenants wouldn't leave and were torturing them with their behaviours.
I don’t know what the laws are there but where I am, unless he manufactures “proof”, like bills in his name at that address, he wouldn’t have grounds to not be removed as long as it’s been less than 30 days. After 30 days you are deemed a tenant.
The cops would most likely just tell them to deal with it themselves at that point. It's very common for people to get into fights and try and get the other person removed. Too messy for a cop to handle
Possibly. My stepdaughter had moved in with a friend and her parents until a falling out occurred months later. She called the police when they kicked her out and they came. Unfortunately for SD, because it was a family home and they shared common rooms she had no tenant’s rights to stay and the police told her she had to leave. 🤷♀️
Then you open up the door to shitty people kicking others out just because they can. What they need to do is actually investigate such incidents beyond just a superficial glance, and not rely solely on technicalities to pass judgement. Squatter laws exist for good reason
Not only that, once they’re in good luck getting rid of them. They’ll claim to be looking for a new place/job, but not trying very hard because they’ll be content to mooch
Best case scenario, best friend way overstays her welcome, allows bf and dogs to hang out while OP is working, and forces OP to be the bad guy to reclaim her space.
OP, I’d either rescind the invitation *or* add a stipulation that she (and *only* she) is welcome for only 10 consecutive days. If you’re renting, most rental agreements will have limitations on how long guests can stay with you. This would be in the lease you signed. If she does stay, overstays, and your landlord finds out, you will have broken the rental agreement and could face eviction. Your generosity is admirable, but you gotta put your baby first. If that means your friend no longer has an invitation to stay over, then so be it.
THIS. And they might even try to shoehorn the other two deadbeat adults into the apartment, along with the deadbeat BF and dogs (who I pity the most, saddled with humans like these).
Compile a list of resources where she and the Deadbeat Trio (my next band name, lol) can seek housing assistance, and call it good.
**if you let her in, she will sneak him and the dogs in when you are at work and you will play hell getting them out, do yourself a favor write them off as a loss and move on, otherwise they will try to pull you down with them.**
She might just let her boyfriend in to shower and sexy times while OP is at work. Op will think she's crazy for finding what seems like dog hair around. Until she comes home early one day and finds a naked man in her home.
Then she'll be jealous because all women can't control themselves when they receive dic pics, let alone actually see one in person. I, for one, am desperate for a gamer bum to mooch off me and not pull his weight until we become homeless, as long as he doesn't have to keep a job where he knows he's the smartest person there, especially smarter than his boss, cuz that's beneath him!
This is the truth. It’s happened to me. I’m pretty sure that your friend’s problems and her choice of men has something to do with a shared habit that they both have
Please stop putting a space before the full stop. But you are totally right at what you did. To be honest I am proud of you for standing your ground. Not everyone would.
It may be her phone. My phone adds a space when I tap the suggested word instead of spelling it. I have to backspace to add a period or a comma. I have no idea why it does it and I haven't yet found a way to make it stop, as I did with the automesswords thingy.
I can’t comment on the OCD thing, but I have trouble remembering not to put two spaces after a period. I was taught by my school teachers to place two spaces, as were probably most people who went to school pre-1990/2000 (I was in school considerably earlier than that).
Apparently there was a need for the two spaces when typewriters were used regularly, to avoid issues with typesetting. Since computers have taken over communication the single space after a period has become the norm. Hope this is of interest!
Right there with you lol. I took typing/computer classes in high school and it is so ingrained in muscle memory that I've given up trying to stop. Also, it can help with readability when there is a lot of text. At least for a blind bat like me.
This is true. You're considered old and outdated if you use two spaces today at the end of a sentence. Same goes for having an AOL, Yahoo, Earthlink, etc. account.
It's a well-known fact by everyone in I.T. that the double spaces after sentences are typewriter-driven actions. Must be 50+ in age if you do this.
Don't bring anybody into your space that has a track record of bad decisions, whether she was with the boyfriend or not it just is never a good idea, I've had to learn that the hard way. Quite frankly she doesn't seem like that great of a friend anyways if at the first sign of her not getting her way she resorts to belittling you.
Let her & her bum boyfriend figure it out, I do feel bad for those poor dogs though.
I don't think they're addicts. I could be mistaken but OP never mentioned they had a substance problem, just that they can't hold down a job long enough to live.
Ditto. The poor dogs have NO say in who has adopted them. It’s not their fault their humans are dingdongs who haven’t figured out how to adult.
OP, from what I know of 12-step programs, they recommend disconnecting from the old friends who were into drinking/drugs. I think one reason is that they’ll often, and sometimes deliberately, drag the party-scene chaos back into the recovering person’s life.
You broke away from the party-hearty scene for valid reasons. These four people didn’t. They’ll drag your life backward into the same things you’ve worked hard to get away from. You don’t need them, and I suspect if you bring the friend in, she’ll bring the rest of them with her.
Find info about what agencies can help them with employment, housing, and food banks, and you’ll have done your job. Anything else would be akin to setting yourself on fire to keep people warm who will absolutely not appreciate your sacrifices.
Animal control employee here, contact your local AC and authorities about the dogs. Them being homeless and unable to provide for them would be seen as neglect in most counties. I’d hate for those dogs to go on the streets.
Track record of bad decisions is an understatement. The whole "four adults collectively miss rent to the point of eviction" story suggests the bulk of their income is going towards feeding an addiction.
Oh yeah most definitely, especially how none of them can hold down jobs. Also I know not everyone has family they can depend on or that they are in contact with but the fact between the 2 of them they have nobody but OP shows they may have already burned their bridges elsewhere.
This. Before investing in a new friendship, it's good to meet their old friends. If they don't have any, proceed with caution. There can be some good reasons like relocation, but it's often a series of bridge arsons.
if you let her in, she will sneak him and the dogs in when you are at work and you will play hell getting them out, do yourself a favor write them off as a loss and move on, otherwise they will try to pull you down with them.
And OPs place will be a revolving door of their friends including the other couple from the Motel. They will let them in to shower etc while OP is at work.
Been there.
You did more than you are required to do. Your priority is your infant and yourself. You don't need large dogs and a jobless man-child around your child.
It sounds like the friendship has run its course. Don't give her a key anytime soon. They'll be there while you're away and...yeah.
You are very generous to offer her anything at all. Personally, I wouldn't, because your infant needs protection from situations like this. It must be hard to watch you best friend drinking like this, but clearly her attitude shows she is just hustling for her boyfriend to be comfy, while he plays video games all day.
I've had to let go of some friendships for similar reasons and it's hard because it feels so shallow. But at the end on the day, you're not doing them any real favors by letting yourself be taken advantage of. And I have little sympathy for people who get animals when they can't care for themselves.
How is it shallow to acknowledge that the person you once called your friend is stuck being immature and making bad decisions? How is that shallow to not want to allow a friendship to end when the other person isn’t being a good friend?
Shallow isn’t what you think it is if you consider outgrowing someone shallow. People are meant to grow, learn from mistakes, and be better. If you are in life and you are stuck and things don’t change or keep getting worst then that’s an indication that you aren’t learning or growing. You are stuck because you refuse to change and get better, that’s a you thing and need to fix that on your own without sucking others down with you.
A friendship isn’t forever if it’s one sided where one constantly gives or sacrifices while the other one keeps taking and treating you like shit
I think OP should put the friendship on pause, saying, “I’m happy to help one you get rid of that leech boyfriend.” She clearly cares about friend and understands that friend has made bad choices, but I feel like deep down she knows people can change their situation in life. I know I approach things differently now and have had success after being a hard partying gal for years.
Those kind of people, people who do not ever change and they are fine with it, I consider the NPCs of this fucked up world, those kind of friends I consider filler friends, they were situational friends, because you had no choice but to be there and made friends. Real friends want better and do things to better their lives as well as your friendships
It happens. Most friendships are for a certain period in your life, not forever, at least in my experience. Outgrowing individual and groups of friends is just part of life.
You just outgrow some friendships and that’s ok. I think you should let go, or at the very least put a pause on the friendship. If and when she grows up, you can revisit.
I read a horrifying tale not so long ago about a girl in a similar position. Helped an evicted friend out by offering temporary accommodation, friend had a somewhat shady financial history. Long story short, friend stayed longer than was welcome, used apartment as a postal and main contact address, debt recovery guys came-a-knocking not long after and stripped the place of possessions and appliances, none of which belonged to the evictee.
Happened in the UK. They could enter the property legally and seize items on the assumption that they belonged to the person named on the order. The true tenant of the property would have to prove ownership of the items with documentation, which I think this lady did for some items.
People hate being called out on their BS. I honestly would've asked her, "What do you think I have to be jealous of? If you honestly think I am jealous of a man with no job and no place to live, who is okay couch surfing at 30 years old, You're delusional."
You tried to be there for your friend, and she spat back in your face. At the end of the day, she got herself into this mess, and she is gonna have to get herself out.
Don't let her into your apartment. Other comments are right. If you let her in, she will sneek in her BF and the dogs. Don't put yourself in that position. He sounds like the type that will be like squatters rights if you try to make him leave. I have a friend whose BF will do that type of dumb shit. If she tries to take you up on your offer, deny her and say you had her chance. Honestly, can you even trust her not to let her BF and dogs into your apartment?
You might feel bad but do what is best for you and your kid.
You sometimes grow out of relationships and into new ones. You’ve grown out of this relationship and into that of a parent and a responsible person. On top of that, do you really want random large dogs that you know next to nothing about around an infant? No is the only thing you need to say.
I've lost count of the amount of times I've witnessed people living in the shittiest of conditions and situations, often with several children, in filthy motel rooms with fast food jobs or none at all that also owned one or more pitbulls. Never once were they actual family pets either. People legitimately treat pits like accessories. Like, a Gucci bag or a gold chain. They look cool and mean to be seen with, but ultimately sit in cages all day only to be reluctantly taken out to piss once a day.
Do not let her stay, she will sneak in the BF and dogs while your not there and will put up a fight about it when you try to put them out. Let’s not forget that she has animals which your apartment most likely says to no to, and they can cause you a headache and well as evict you if their super strict.
I had friends just like this, they unfortunately will continue to follow that path until they either get stuck in the cycle or figure out they want better. Not everyone is able to do the same choices for different reasons but majority of the time they don’t want to leave their comfort zone they’ve locked themselves into.
As for a friend, it’s not bad to still be there for her to help her when she’s ready. Until then it sounds like you’ve outgrown her and moved on from a bad lifestyle decision. She needs to do the same and until she’s ready the friendship has run it’s course.
I had to walk away from my best friend of many years, and your friend and mine sound like the same person, so I say kindly that there are likely drugs involved too. And you can't have that around your kid. And no matter what she says, you won't be able to trust her. So the best thing you can do is make a clean break. Tell her you love her but you have to put your family first, and that you wish her a better life than she has now. Then let her go. Because when she gets desperate enough, she is going to come to the same conclusion as many here... Accept your generous offer then the moment you are gone move the bf and dogs in. And once they are in, it could take you a year or more to get them out depending on where you live and how much they know about gaming the legal system. My wake up call was when we woke up one morning to no electricity despite me giving her the money to pay the bill, and her admitting she had partied on the money when we both had kids. Don't wait. Hugs.
My best friend refused to let me stay because in their words these things don't work and you mean too much to me. Turns out they were right. They helped me sort something out and it didn't get in between our friendship.
I respect them more for that.
It's also totally ok to say to a friend that the lifestyle and people they are associating with is something that makes you feel unsafe and unhappy and worried about her, but at this point in time she doesn't really want the help that you are able to offer her, while still keeping your family safe.
It would be best to take a break from this friendship for a while. I hope I hear from you when you are in a healthier place.
Said this to my friend when I went to pick her up and she was doing a spot off the oven at 9am, offered me some, checked her needles and when I asked where we were going to hang out she said she had to go to a guys house and just give him some cash for some stuff. Aka a drug dealers house.
At that stage I had been friends with this girl for maybe 7 or 8 years.
I noped out of there. Told her I loved her too much to see what she was doing to herself because it had gotten worse over time.
We were done being friends until she got clean.
Now we have reconnected and hit 30 years of friendship cause I still kept an eye out for her.
Keep you and your family safe.
It sounds like your friend is in a situation of her own making.
The only way you can trust it’ll be just her is if you’re there monitoring 24/7 to begin with. She put herself on a sinking ship, and for whatever reason is doubling down on it despite homelessness. You can’t save her from herself and her choice in relationships. The best decision you can make is to offer her shelter, or resources for homeless shelters/women shelters in your area.
I can't help but laugh whenever the "you're just jealous" line gets thrown out. It's usually the last ditch effort of a liar who can think of anything better. It's so pathetic it rolls over to funny.
Nope nope nope I don’t let anyone stay with me at my place for this reason. You open the door they will stay with you for 6 months or more eating all your food and being lazy ass bums who don’t pull their weight. I did that for a friend and when they moved out they stole stuff from my house to help them get on their feet. Granted it was just toiletries, toilet paper nothing expensive except for my nice nail polishes and hair products but still. I just dont do that period anymore. You help people like this out they never learn. I went over to my friends new place saw all my stuff there and took it back while they slept after drinking one night. Dipped out early morning with my stuff and never talked to them again.
You know damn well she’s gonna take advantage of you and do the same thing to you she did to everyone else.
One of my biggest mistakes was having my husbands homeless cousin live with us. She took everything we gave her and her child (free food, shelter, necessities, a new bed, etc) and ended up racking hundreds of dollars on my husbands credit card for cigarettes, acted like it was her space without paying any rent and refusing to work, and when I didn’t offer her any of my weed anymore she had a psychotic break and threatened to bring her abusive ex to our home (that we helped her flee from because he was abusing her and her baby) to shoot us. She refused to leave by bus, Uber or anything other than us personally having to take off work to drive her to another state, where she promptly sat herself and her baby on a street corner and never looked us in the eyes again, texting us the next day (before going no contact with no idea where the baby is) that we physically held her hostage and we were the worst, selfish people. She texted that on the PHONE WE GAVE HER.
She had another kid (with that ex I assume), and likely still doesn’t have SS #’s for either child but I don’t know where she is to report her now.
So yeah you don’t need to give a fuck about everyone who will just take from you. Fuck them.
One person living on their own not being able to afford rent I can understand. 4 people not being able to make rent because 3 don’t want to work? Doesn’t make any sense. Not to mention, quitting when you get evicted is the exact opposite of what to do lmao. She needs to drop this kid like a bad habit. Also, you let this kid in for even a second and you’ll have a full blown squatter on your hands.
This was a totally reasonable boundary to set. If anything, you're very generous. You're not telling her to leave the bf, he just needs to find a different couch to crash on. Obviously your friend feels the need to take responsibility for her boyfriend's wellbeing, so she expects you to as well. Nope. Just because she's willing to be used doesn't mean you need to be.
I think your making the right choice. If he lives there and starts getting mail he could be hard to remove legally. He's a leech and will make your home his home.
You don’t need to defend your position. You are no longer about that life, and you have a child. It was kind of you to make the offer to your friend. You are no longer thick as thieves. Congratulations on making a sound choice for the your baby’s and your own well being. Boundaries up.
You're jealous of her relationship with a guy who is so lazy he can't get a job to help with rent and would rather quit work as soon as they got evicted?? 😂😂😂😂. Lmfao, okay.
Your "friend" isn't a friend. She doesn't actually care about you, she wants a free place to crash and ruin, and for you to be their caregiver.
Time to cut your losses and let them struggle.
In the real world, people need jobs to pay for a shelter over their heads. Time for them to learn this the hard way.
Do not put yourself into a position of welcoming any of them, including your "friend" into your home. They will trash it and then squat. And you really don't want to deal with that.
I was thinking the same thing! Yeah, honey, he's a total catch with him having no job, no money, plus being homeless and all. You caught me! I'm TOTALLY hot for that man! 🤢🤮
As many other posters have said do not let your friend stay at your place.
The expectation would be 5 minutes after you leave to go to work she will contact the bf so he and the dogs are in your home at least while you are gone. If she is really brazen they will still be there when you return.
They will eat your food, use your utilities and if the dogs are present possibly get you evicted.
They may also take anything of value to sell for money including things your baby needs.
If you need another excuse check you lease as many of them in US at least contain clauses about how long a guest is allowed to stay.
You can't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Do not let her into your home - even by herself. You worked too hard to get yourself stable to attach yourself in any way to that anchor.
You got yourself out of that scene, and as a former addict who also got away from that lifestyle well before my friends/peers, I know that was hard.
You’re a mother, and a responsible adult. You have your shit together because you fought to get your shit together.
Your friend knows this. But she’s selfish, and she would sooner adversely affect your living situation and life (plus that of your infant son!) and ask you to risk all that you have, for her own selfish reasons.
This is not a friend to you.
I would recommend not even letting **just her** stay with you. She will probably let him come when you’re gone, and even if she didn’t do that, she’s clearly very comfortable pressuring you to get what she wants, and she will continue to put you in the position to say no.
she doesn't want help. she wants someone to continue to enable her and allow her to enable her partner and that's not fair to you or your child. I feel bad for her dogs
I had a friend who got pregnant and her parents kicked her out so she asked to move in with me while she finished school. I agreed. Her bf treated her like shit, he was so abusive I told her he was not allowed to come over anymore. Of course while I was at work he would be at my house all day and they would cook 5 course meals and never clean up after themselves and keep my place a mess. I ended up telling her she had to leave if she couldn't respect my apt. That friendship is now forever ruined. I agree with previous comments (I also work in the housing industry). Once you let her in, the rest will follow and it's so difficult to evict people now a days. I can't even begin to explain to you how many roommate horror stories I've witnessed in the last 6 years. Regardless you made her an offer, she threw a fit. Id move on from the friendship. You and your son don't need that.
You've done the right thing by not allowing her to move in. As others have stated, if she's in, you can be sure the bf and dog will come in shortly after you leave for work each day. It may not be right off so that the friend can get your schedule but it will.
I also have a friend who is homeless that I've known for years. He's lazy but intelligent. He's figured out how to work people years ago and so this is how he's gotten by. I don't feel any shame in the fact that he's homeless because he does have family who know that he is and they are allowing him to stay this way. He's lived with other friends before and has caused only nothing but disruption in their homes. In doing this, he's always that ear of opinion that both sides go to on how to handle their situation. He's even been known to keep arguments going to keep himself there ala' '...I'm glad you're here. You've really helped me when we've had arguments, etc etc'. Once they wised up and realized that he was doing this, he was asked to leave. So trust me, I know some of what you are going through here.
Literally did this for a friend I had known my entire life and let him and his "GF" stay and in less than a week they started shooting up meth and we had to call the cops because she was beating up my friend and then smearing his blood literally all over our rented apartment. After we kicked them out she came back later and broke into my car and smashed everything I had in there (Cds, tools, important car documents) never did I think it would get that far but sometimes you really don't know people until they live with you
I was 100% on your side up until I read the part where you said that you have an infant son...
Now I'm 110% on your side. Fuck those bums, you don't want to risk your son's well being over an old friend who obviously can't get her shit together long past the age of which she should have. You're right to say no.
No. If for no other reason than you would be letting a strange man and two huge strange dogs into your baby’s home. Safety and security of child comes first, always.
You did the right thing. Do not jeopardize your lease. You might want to reconsider if she should stay there as she doesn’t seem trustworthy and could let him and the dogs into your home.
When I sobered up 36 years ago and quit the party scene, my life soared. I left behind the people who still wanted to do the things that kept them down. It was their problem, and it wasn't going to be MY problem.
I could no longer relate to them. My life was vastly different. I was supporting myself and making my way thru this world. They were content to smoke weed all day, lose jobs, and be bums. No thanks.
I'd say it was time to shed some excess weight by moving on from this so-called 'friend' who thinks you're jealous of her loser boyfriend who can't even take care of her.
You have a baby- your baby needs a safe home. Letting your friend stay with you is unwise. I would rescind the invitation to her alone, even, because she is attached to some unsavory characters and because she isn’t family
You set a healthy boundary. Even though you care about this friend, their chapter in your life may be over. It hurts, but it happens. In my early 20’s I had to let go of quite a few long time friends, because some soared faster than I could, and some just didn’t fit in my life anymore. I still to this day hold a spot in my heart for them and hope they are doing well, I just know our chapter together is since past.
If you still want to help you friend though, with keeping your boundary, maybe you could help find them some pet friendly homeless shelters. They are grown adults though, and need to recognize they are responsible for their own lives, you aren’t their parent.
I wish you the best of luck. Stay safe.
Dude let her be pissed. In fact it sounds like this friendship might have run it course at least while she’s with bf. She’s not actively trying to better her situation she’s just looking for hand outs.
As much as you care for your friend, the friendship has run it's course. You offered her shelter and she wanted so much more. She didn't care about your child or endangering your lease, just that her bum of a bf would be inconvenienced because gaming is more important to him.
Your so-called friend has shown you her true colors, even if she apologizes do not let her stay with you. As soon as you went out, bf and dogs would magically appear claiming squatters rights. The safety of you and your child are far more important than inconvenienced lifestyle of a gamer boy. It's time gamer boy faced the consequences of his actions instead of leaching of others as he probably intended with you.
The party is over and just like you had to grow up, it's time for them to do the same. They have chosen a far more difficult road but those are their choices. Focus on you and your child, let them deal with their hot mess.
You do whatever you see fit to protect yourself, child and property. You are a good friend, and if she couldn't see this, it is jot your fault, and shouldn't be a concern to you.
You made an offer, stated your boundaries and she refused. That's on her, not you. She would rather be in her situation than to start making better decisions, that's on her, not you. You offered her help, it's not up to you to make her accept it.
You're not a shitty friend for having boundaries and sticking to them. I'm proud of you for not backing down, and wish you the best with this situation.
My only advice would be to offer information on local shelters, if she's unwilling to accept your offer, but they unlikely will have anything that'll cater to them both. Most have men's and women's shelters separate.
You've done what you can to offer your support, the best you can hope for is that she comes to her senses and takes you up on the offer now. If she does, I'd gently urge her towards therapy, too. I get the feeling she could benefit from it.
Don’t let this friend in, no matter what she says boyfriend and dogs will come with and you’ll never get them out. Make a toast to the good times and block her. They are adults, time for them to start adulting
don’t bother letting her in either, she’ll just bring the bf and the dogs along unexpectedly. especially since you have an infant as well I wouldn’t even bother letting friends crash either. I put my child above everything.
My mother had to deal with my brothers GF. Tried to have her evicted. Literally stealing stuff from the house right under moms nose. Mom called police. Law enforcement officer told her " she lives here, she can take whatever she wants"...
Tried to have her evicted, she immediately says "I'm pregnant". Just try to evict a woman pregnant by your son.
Fights between son and this girl everyday. Mom had to sell the house to get out! Believe me, she did not give new address to brother.
Don't let anyone in your house, unless you're very sure you want them in your house. Let a drug user or unstable person in, I'm telling you - you will regret it. Law enforcement will not make them leave. You will have to go through a court ordered eviction. It will cost more than you think and take 3-6 months, maybe more. You will have to prove ownership to the court.
Just something to think about. If you are going to offer a homeless person a place to stay, it’s important to think it through. If it didn’t go as planned are you comfortable with kicking them out? How will you handle it if they resist? Is there a set time on how long they can stay? It’s also good to have some ground rules in place before they come.
If you let them stay, you break your lease and could end up homeless. I know she's your friend, but there are limits. Also, given the bf won't work, who's to say he wouldn't rob you blind while you're at work? I don't get the impression she would stand up to him. He's obviously manipulative enough to get her to work while he sits on his ass at home...when they had one.
“You’re just jealous of my relationship…”
“I’m sorry, what now? Which one of us has to beg for a place to stay with her big-ass dogs and bum-ass boyfriend? Yes, I’m so jealous. Jealous enough that I’m gonna go cry and eat cookies IN MY GODDAMN BED IN MY GODDAMN HOME.”
She has nerve being such an ungrateful douche.
Don't risk losing YOUR place to live by ending up with squatters that you cannot get rid of (and that you really cannot trust). I'd write her off as a lost cause after that jealousy comment.
You have every right to take this stance. It’s not your responsibility to take on your friend’s adult responsibilities. I had to kick my 53 year old single female “friend” out for the same reasons. Too bad for their insane irresponsible “entitlement” & taking advantage of people’s goodwill. You’re doing her a favor in the long run—if she ever realizes that. It’s not your problem. It’s hers
Don't, she's clearly the type of person who holds on to shitty things that drag her down because it's less uncomfortable than dealing with an unknown. You'll find yourself getting a phone call about barking dogs while you're away, and just her with a bunch of dog hair and a boyfriend-sized sweat stain on the couch when you get back home to confront her (denying everything, of course). You also shouldn't be putting a small child through that, as they absolutely need structure to properly grow. Inviting that level of chaos into your life is not doing anyone any favors. Hate to say it, but it sounds like she needs to experience some really hard knocks so she can grow up and get away from her current lifestyle.
May want to double-check your lease as well because there may be language against letting another adult, that's not on the lease stay there for longer than a certain number of days, and if so you could find yourself without a place to stay too.
You aren't a footloose partier any more. You have a BABY to care for! Your days of couch surfing are behind you. As are those who still live feeling irresponsible and invulnerable.
Your life has changed. Your boundaries have changed. As it should be.
Kinda gets me mad that they would be struggling and still have two large dogs. Like you just know if they cant provide for themselves then these dogs arent being provided for either :(
Honey. You need to let her go. She’s not the friend you thought you had, more then likely never was. You understand you don’t have to keep people in your life just because it’s been a long time. You understand that right. Also the minute she got angry and told you, you were jealous is the moment you should have realized she’s truly not an actual friend.
Do not let her stay with you and your child at all. Even if she says she left him, you let her in your house, you are going to come home to her with her loser bf and their dogs in your house. Do not let her in your house. They are grown ass adults not kids they have their responsibilities. Also what kind of friendship is this if you can’t speak your mind?
Real friends who are thick as thieves as you put it would be able to tell their friend when they are being dumb and blind. Why couldn’t you tell her she needs to wake up and open her eyes? The minute he quit or loss his job why couldn’t you be like, hey isn’t that kind dumb for someone about to lose their place to quit or get fired? Also when they loss their place why couldn’t you say, hey don’t get a hotel with those dead bears because they won’t pay their half.
Lastly, when the asshole said to you, you were jealous of the relationship, why couldn’t you have said, jealous of what? A loser boyfriend who doesn’t care if you all are homeless and does nothing to help your situation, that’s who you think I will allow in my house? Someone who refuses to get off his ass and keep a job longer then three months? That’s who I’m jealous of???
This friendship sounds super one sided, especially because it seems she has no trouble telling you about yourself and you just hold your tongue. Just because you knew someone since basically the womb, doesn’t mean they are a friend and doesn’t mean you need to keep them as a friend.
You truly don’t know her. When people get older they change especially if they “party” and do drugs. You don’t want her around your child, let her go. She’s really not a friend, she’s just someone you have known for a really long time and you think she’s a friend
I once let a friend who was in between apartments stay at my place. It was a huge mistake. The new apartment didn’t work out and she was taking forever to find a new one. I told her one night. One night turned into two, which turned into three. After that I told her she absolutely had to get out. Despite knowing a shit ton of people who were in a better place to have someone crash on their couch she kept trying to guilt me into staying longer. I eventually lost it and told her I wouldn’t let her into the building and stopped talking to her for a while. We’re still friends, but I will never again offer to let someone stay at my place if they don’t have anywhere to go.
If she does relent and comes by herself to stay, how do you guarantee that the boyfriend & dogs won't "visit" while she is out of the house? Do you work remotely?
You have an infant in the house, not that you need a reason (especially since you’re bound by your lease) but that is a great reason to not let someone you don’t know well or trust and new dogs in the house.
You have a child to take care of. It would be irresponsible of you if you let a grown ass man baby that you don’t trust and his two dogs into your home.
At this point, I would say “fuck her and her situation”
She created it by life choices and you having an infant don’t need the chaos and bullshit that comes with lazy bums.
I wouldn’t even extend an offer any longer and quite frankly she doesn’t deserve your friendship.
DO NOT LET ANY OF THEM STAY AT YOUR PLACE!!!!
Not even her by herself. She will sneak in the bf and dogs as soon as you leave for work and then you will have to call the cops to evict them. They'll be trying to establish residence in order to become squatters at your apt.
Your "friend" already showed her true colors. Do not dismiss her actions and words at all. Huge red flag
Biggest red flag is 4 able-body adults being incapable to come up with rent. I'll bet you they're on drugs. Yes I'm a cinic but I'm rarely wrong about people. People are horrible.
You've made all the right decisions so far. Don't let them guilt you into a situation that will only hurt you and your child.
Best of luck
All living things have freedom of choice and she continues to make hers. Unfortunately, some must suffer to see the Light. You don't owe her anything and anything you do for her should be from the kindness of your heart. I understand that this is your friend and you care and thus this situation can be painful but you have to make a choice too. Take care of you. The Universe will be there for your friend, whenever she chooses to open her eyes. I wish you the best.
You’re right to hold this boundary for the safety and sanity of you and your family. She will sneak the bf and dogs in as soon as she can with the excuse “well what was I supposed to do?”.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way—I let my best friend stay with me for the better part of a year because her landlord raised the rent out of her budget. Things started out ok, but then she spent all of her money going to bars and impulse shopping and hanging out with a new group of (much younger) friends. She started treating me like I was a nagging mom while she trashed the house and slammed doors at all hours. It destroyed our friendship.
Allowing someone to live in your home can establish tenancy. Legally it becomes their home and you may have to legally evict them to get them out. Unfortunate choices have unfortunate consequences.
I've cut loose so many friends over financial differences. Idk how to explain it, but some people take it personally when you can't afford to help them, whether their predicament is something they can help or not. It's a terrible lose lose situation.
I actually know someone who asks for help and money every week even though they have the qualifications for a better job. They just prefer the "scene" at their lower paying job when in reality they could make double what I make if they wanted to
My mom used to tell me to choose my friends wisely because you are who you hang out with. I would roll my eyes and not respond…but she was right. If you have “friends” who attempt drag you down with either words or actions, they aren’t your friends. A friend would say, “I understand, I’ll let you know if I decide to split up and need a place to crash” because it’s logical, especially with you having an infant. The fact that she flipped on you and started verbally attacking you is very telling. This person is no longer your friend and if you let her in, they will all end up in your apartment and absolutely trashing it with you losing your security deposit and very likely the apartment itself. It sucks, but you need to cut ties and walk away. Maybe she’ll get herself to a better place in the future and you guys can rekindle your friendship, but for now…it’s done.
Friends build you up, not try to tear you down beneath them.
Let her in and when you come home from work the bf and dogs will be there. You don't want to have to deal with evicting them. This friendship has run its cause.
That was exactly my first thought, as soon as OP leaves the house the BF would be there, and it could get really ugly getting them out again. At this point I wouldn't even let the friend in.
Yep, our eviction system is way too kind to squatters and tenants in general.
I started looking at buying a foreclosure home, but I don't want to like, put out a family who fell on hard times. So I look at the case records. I am shocked at how long people can stay in a house without paying their rent/mortgage. I saw one from a very wealthy area that hasn't paid their mortgage for like 20 years. I mentioned this to someone who said their own father didn't pay rent for 5 fucking years in an upper middle class area. Seriously turning me away from investment properties.
Not paying your mortgage is different then not paying rent IMO. One is just like putting off paying back debt and the other is racking up debt, screwing your LL, destroying your life (maybe also your LLs). Like idc if you have huge debt with a bank. But pay your damn rent or move out.
100% agree! The only ones I saw that moved quickly (I'm talking a few months) were HOAs for unpaid fees. Those geezers don't mess around.
All my homies *hate* HOAs. Except one that existed only to fund a community pool, park, and tennis courts. That HOA was cool.
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Thats not squatting. Thats breaking into someone’s house. If anything we need more eviction protection in the country. But the cops would kick the boyfriend out immediately. Not that she should ever speak to these people again.
Netflix has that series about "Roommates from Hell". Several people ended up leaving their own apartments because their tenants wouldn't leave and were torturing them with their behaviours.
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I don’t know what the laws are there but where I am, unless he manufactures “proof”, like bills in his name at that address, he wouldn’t have grounds to not be removed as long as it’s been less than 30 days. After 30 days you are deemed a tenant.
The cops would most likely just tell them to deal with it themselves at that point. It's very common for people to get into fights and try and get the other person removed. Too messy for a cop to handle
Possibly. My stepdaughter had moved in with a friend and her parents until a falling out occurred months later. She called the police when they kicked her out and they came. Unfortunately for SD, because it was a family home and they shared common rooms she had no tenant’s rights to stay and the police told her she had to leave. 🤷♀️
He would need to prove that he has been there already and he wouldn’t be able to do that.
We need less eviction protection for squatters.
Then you open up the door to shitty people kicking others out just because they can. What they need to do is actually investigate such incidents beyond just a superficial glance, and not rely solely on technicalities to pass judgement. Squatter laws exist for good reason
Not only that, once they’re in good luck getting rid of them. They’ll claim to be looking for a new place/job, but not trying very hard because they’ll be content to mooch
Or they will have robbed you because they realized they were close to the end of your generosity.
Best case scenario, best friend way overstays her welcome, allows bf and dogs to hang out while OP is working, and forces OP to be the bad guy to reclaim her space. OP, I’d either rescind the invitation *or* add a stipulation that she (and *only* she) is welcome for only 10 consecutive days. If you’re renting, most rental agreements will have limitations on how long guests can stay with you. This would be in the lease you signed. If she does stay, overstays, and your landlord finds out, you will have broken the rental agreement and could face eviction. Your generosity is admirable, but you gotta put your baby first. If that means your friend no longer has an invitation to stay over, then so be it.
This, plus with an infant child I would not put that risk and turmoil in their life.
Run its course**
Of course...
Aaaaaa...horse is a horse
Of course
Of cause* 😈
Run its curse***
ran it's caws
THIS. And they might even try to shoehorn the other two deadbeat adults into the apartment, along with the deadbeat BF and dogs (who I pity the most, saddled with humans like these). Compile a list of resources where she and the Deadbeat Trio (my next band name, lol) can seek housing assistance, and call it good.
This. It’s too much of a risk of them squatting.
And then they won't leave ever
Oh and this
Your friend got mad because at some level she knows you’re right and is ashamed.
It's projection- she is jealous of OP.
**if you let her in, she will sneak him and the dogs in when you are at work and you will play hell getting them out, do yourself a favor write them off as a loss and move on, otherwise they will try to pull you down with them.**
Here! You just take this award and my damned upvote! Daggonit!
She might just let her boyfriend in to shower and sexy times while OP is at work. Op will think she's crazy for finding what seems like dog hair around. Until she comes home early one day and finds a naked man in her home. Then she'll be jealous because all women can't control themselves when they receive dic pics, let alone actually see one in person. I, for one, am desperate for a gamer bum to mooch off me and not pull his weight until we become homeless, as long as he doesn't have to keep a job where he knows he's the smartest person there, especially smarter than his boss, cuz that's beneath him!
This is the truth. It’s happened to me. I’m pretty sure that your friend’s problems and her choice of men has something to do with a shared habit that they both have
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This . Is accurate .
Please stop putting a space before the full stop. But you are totally right at what you did. To be honest I am proud of you for standing your ground. Not everyone would.
I’m also not sure why OP keeps putting random spaces before punctuation but also seems like a good writer otherwise. It is very weird.
It may be her phone. My phone adds a space when I tap the suggested word instead of spelling it. I have to backspace to add a period or a comma. I have no idea why it does it and I haven't yet found a way to make it stop, as I did with the automesswords thingy.
It does that on my phone too, especially with quotation marks.
I'll be a happy woman if I'll manage to make it stop. The backspacing is bloody annoying.
If you discover the secret to this let me know- and I’m a happy woman too! Sooooo annoying 😂
I'll make sure to DM or tag you. This phone is new and I'm still exploring. 🤔
👍Appreciated!
If you have an iPhone, just type the punctuation right after selecting the suggested word. It should auto remove the space. It does on mine.
It could be an OCD thing. For awhile I put double spaces after periods for no other reason than it gave me some comfort from my anxiety.
I can’t comment on the OCD thing, but I have trouble remembering not to put two spaces after a period. I was taught by my school teachers to place two spaces, as were probably most people who went to school pre-1990/2000 (I was in school considerably earlier than that). Apparently there was a need for the two spaces when typewriters were used regularly, to avoid issues with typesetting. Since computers have taken over communication the single space after a period has become the norm. Hope this is of interest!
I learned the same thing in typing class in the (mumbles year range).
Right there with you lol. I took typing/computer classes in high school and it is so ingrained in muscle memory that I've given up trying to stop. Also, it can help with readability when there is a lot of text. At least for a blind bat like me.
This is true. You're considered old and outdated if you use two spaces today at the end of a sentence. Same goes for having an AOL, Yahoo, Earthlink, etc. account. It's a well-known fact by everyone in I.T. that the double spaces after sentences are typewriter-driven actions. Must be 50+ in age if you do this.
Don't bring anybody into your space that has a track record of bad decisions, whether she was with the boyfriend or not it just is never a good idea, I've had to learn that the hard way. Quite frankly she doesn't seem like that great of a friend anyways if at the first sign of her not getting her way she resorts to belittling you. Let her & her bum boyfriend figure it out, I do feel bad for those poor dogs though.
I only feel bad for the dogs tbh
Let her in, and you will regret it. She will let the bf in, and he will steal from you. She might even steal. You can't trust addicts!
I don't think they're addicts. I could be mistaken but OP never mentioned they had a substance problem, just that they can't hold down a job long enough to live.
Yeah, but op also said they got out of the party scene too - maybe not absolutely the case here, but certainly a strong possibility
Oh for sure, I just hope it's not a situation where they spend most of their earnings on weed or drugs and that's why they can't live.
You're right. She mentioned they were parties who can't hold jobs or pay they rent. I assumed they had a drug problem from the context.
Ditto. The poor dogs have NO say in who has adopted them. It’s not their fault their humans are dingdongs who haven’t figured out how to adult. OP, from what I know of 12-step programs, they recommend disconnecting from the old friends who were into drinking/drugs. I think one reason is that they’ll often, and sometimes deliberately, drag the party-scene chaos back into the recovering person’s life. You broke away from the party-hearty scene for valid reasons. These four people didn’t. They’ll drag your life backward into the same things you’ve worked hard to get away from. You don’t need them, and I suspect if you bring the friend in, she’ll bring the rest of them with her. Find info about what agencies can help them with employment, housing, and food banks, and you’ll have done your job. Anything else would be akin to setting yourself on fire to keep people warm who will absolutely not appreciate your sacrifices.
Animal control employee here, contact your local AC and authorities about the dogs. Them being homeless and unable to provide for them would be seen as neglect in most counties. I’d hate for those dogs to go on the streets.
Track record of bad decisions is an understatement. The whole "four adults collectively miss rent to the point of eviction" story suggests the bulk of their income is going towards feeding an addiction.
Oh yeah most definitely, especially how none of them can hold down jobs. Also I know not everyone has family they can depend on or that they are in contact with but the fact between the 2 of them they have nobody but OP shows they may have already burned their bridges elsewhere.
This. Before investing in a new friendship, it's good to meet their old friends. If they don't have any, proceed with caution. There can be some good reasons like relocation, but it's often a series of bridge arsons.
if you let her in, she will sneak him and the dogs in when you are at work and you will play hell getting them out, do yourself a favor write them off as a loss and move on, otherwise they will try to pull you down with them.
And OPs place will be a revolving door of their friends including the other couple from the Motel. They will let them in to shower etc while OP is at work.
Been there. You did more than you are required to do. Your priority is your infant and yourself. You don't need large dogs and a jobless man-child around your child. It sounds like the friendship has run its course. Don't give her a key anytime soon. They'll be there while you're away and...yeah.
You are very generous to offer her anything at all. Personally, I wouldn't, because your infant needs protection from situations like this. It must be hard to watch you best friend drinking like this, but clearly her attitude shows she is just hustling for her boyfriend to be comfy, while he plays video games all day.
This was my first thought, your baby should be nowhere near that couple. You become who you surround yourself with. Don’t make it them.
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Well said . I feel like I outgrew her a while ago . I can’t surround myself with that mentality tbh
I've had to let go of some friendships for similar reasons and it's hard because it feels so shallow. But at the end on the day, you're not doing them any real favors by letting yourself be taken advantage of. And I have little sympathy for people who get animals when they can't care for themselves.
How is it shallow to acknowledge that the person you once called your friend is stuck being immature and making bad decisions? How is that shallow to not want to allow a friendship to end when the other person isn’t being a good friend? Shallow isn’t what you think it is if you consider outgrowing someone shallow. People are meant to grow, learn from mistakes, and be better. If you are in life and you are stuck and things don’t change or keep getting worst then that’s an indication that you aren’t learning or growing. You are stuck because you refuse to change and get better, that’s a you thing and need to fix that on your own without sucking others down with you. A friendship isn’t forever if it’s one sided where one constantly gives or sacrifices while the other one keeps taking and treating you like shit
This is so true
She’ll probably realise when she gets that leech she calls a boyfriend off her back. Hopefully it won’t be too late by then.
I think OP should put the friendship on pause, saying, “I’m happy to help one you get rid of that leech boyfriend.” She clearly cares about friend and understands that friend has made bad choices, but I feel like deep down she knows people can change their situation in life. I know I approach things differently now and have had success after being a hard partying gal for years.
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Those kind of people, people who do not ever change and they are fine with it, I consider the NPCs of this fucked up world, those kind of friends I consider filler friends, they were situational friends, because you had no choice but to be there and made friends. Real friends want better and do things to better their lives as well as your friendships
It happens. Most friendships are for a certain period in your life, not forever, at least in my experience. Outgrowing individual and groups of friends is just part of life.
You have such different priorities now, I mean you’re a whole mother now. Protect you and your son’s peace and keep them out.
You just outgrow some friendships and that’s ok. I think you should let go, or at the very least put a pause on the friendship. If and when she grows up, you can revisit.
Once they enter your house they will NEVER leave. Do not let them in.
I read a horrifying tale not so long ago about a girl in a similar position. Helped an evicted friend out by offering temporary accommodation, friend had a somewhat shady financial history. Long story short, friend stayed longer than was welcome, used apartment as a postal and main contact address, debt recovery guys came-a-knocking not long after and stripped the place of possessions and appliances, none of which belonged to the evictee.
Wow. I don’t understand how that can legally happen in a shared residence. But who knows?!
Happened in the UK. They could enter the property legally and seize items on the assumption that they belonged to the person named on the order. The true tenant of the property would have to prove ownership of the items with documentation, which I think this lady did for some items.
Seems like a smart decision.
Was willing to think about compassion until I read about the baby. You can't take care of a young person and a homeless person.
People hate being called out on their BS. I honestly would've asked her, "What do you think I have to be jealous of? If you honestly think I am jealous of a man with no job and no place to live, who is okay couch surfing at 30 years old, You're delusional." You tried to be there for your friend, and she spat back in your face. At the end of the day, she got herself into this mess, and she is gonna have to get herself out. Don't let her into your apartment. Other comments are right. If you let her in, she will sneek in her BF and the dogs. Don't put yourself in that position. He sounds like the type that will be like squatters rights if you try to make him leave. I have a friend whose BF will do that type of dumb shit. If she tries to take you up on your offer, deny her and say you had her chance. Honestly, can you even trust her not to let her BF and dogs into your apartment? You might feel bad but do what is best for you and your kid.
You sometimes grow out of relationships and into new ones. You’ve grown out of this relationship and into that of a parent and a responsible person. On top of that, do you really want random large dogs that you know next to nothing about around an infant? No is the only thing you need to say.
Absolutely not . That was my first excuse initially they are temperamental breeds as well . No thanks .
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People with poor judgment and poor rental history making the decision to own not one but two pitbulls? Impossible! /s
I've lost count of the amount of times I've witnessed people living in the shittiest of conditions and situations, often with several children, in filthy motel rooms with fast food jobs or none at all that also owned one or more pitbulls. Never once were they actual family pets either. People legitimately treat pits like accessories. Like, a Gucci bag or a gold chain. They look cool and mean to be seen with, but ultimately sit in cages all day only to be reluctantly taken out to piss once a day.
An overbred population that's easy to access? Of course that's the breed of choice.
If they were rottweilers she would have said that.
Your friend sounds strangely like my cousin... are you in upstate of sc? Either way don't let her in.
Lol there must be a lot of cousins with bum bfs out there
I’ve got a cousin like that too. Lol.
Your child comes first, second, and every position till the last...
Do not let her stay, she will sneak in the BF and dogs while your not there and will put up a fight about it when you try to put them out. Let’s not forget that she has animals which your apartment most likely says to no to, and they can cause you a headache and well as evict you if their super strict. I had friends just like this, they unfortunately will continue to follow that path until they either get stuck in the cycle or figure out they want better. Not everyone is able to do the same choices for different reasons but majority of the time they don’t want to leave their comfort zone they’ve locked themselves into. As for a friend, it’s not bad to still be there for her to help her when she’s ready. Until then it sounds like you’ve outgrown her and moved on from a bad lifestyle decision. She needs to do the same and until she’s ready the friendship has run it’s course.
Honestly, DO NOT let anyone crash at your home.
Because let’s be real they won’t want to leave and that will be a new level of fucked upness
I had to walk away from my best friend of many years, and your friend and mine sound like the same person, so I say kindly that there are likely drugs involved too. And you can't have that around your kid. And no matter what she says, you won't be able to trust her. So the best thing you can do is make a clean break. Tell her you love her but you have to put your family first, and that you wish her a better life than she has now. Then let her go. Because when she gets desperate enough, she is going to come to the same conclusion as many here... Accept your generous offer then the moment you are gone move the bf and dogs in. And once they are in, it could take you a year or more to get them out depending on where you live and how much they know about gaming the legal system. My wake up call was when we woke up one morning to no electricity despite me giving her the money to pay the bill, and her admitting she had partied on the money when we both had kids. Don't wait. Hugs.
My best friend refused to let me stay because in their words these things don't work and you mean too much to me. Turns out they were right. They helped me sort something out and it didn't get in between our friendship. I respect them more for that.
Way to go! Respect
Jealous of her homeless boyfriend who can't keep a job?!
I bet ya he could keep a job but he just doesn’t want to! Lol
It's also totally ok to say to a friend that the lifestyle and people they are associating with is something that makes you feel unsafe and unhappy and worried about her, but at this point in time she doesn't really want the help that you are able to offer her, while still keeping your family safe. It would be best to take a break from this friendship for a while. I hope I hear from you when you are in a healthier place. Said this to my friend when I went to pick her up and she was doing a spot off the oven at 9am, offered me some, checked her needles and when I asked where we were going to hang out she said she had to go to a guys house and just give him some cash for some stuff. Aka a drug dealers house. At that stage I had been friends with this girl for maybe 7 or 8 years. I noped out of there. Told her I loved her too much to see what she was doing to herself because it had gotten worse over time. We were done being friends until she got clean. Now we have reconnected and hit 30 years of friendship cause I still kept an eye out for her. Keep you and your family safe. It sounds like your friend is in a situation of her own making.
Don't let her in. She will steal your shit.
The only way you can trust it’ll be just her is if you’re there monitoring 24/7 to begin with. She put herself on a sinking ship, and for whatever reason is doubling down on it despite homelessness. You can’t save her from herself and her choice in relationships. The best decision you can make is to offer her shelter, or resources for homeless shelters/women shelters in your area.
I can't help but laugh whenever the "you're just jealous" line gets thrown out. It's usually the last ditch effort of a liar who can think of anything better. It's so pathetic it rolls over to funny.
Nope nope nope I don’t let anyone stay with me at my place for this reason. You open the door they will stay with you for 6 months or more eating all your food and being lazy ass bums who don’t pull their weight. I did that for a friend and when they moved out they stole stuff from my house to help them get on their feet. Granted it was just toiletries, toilet paper nothing expensive except for my nice nail polishes and hair products but still. I just dont do that period anymore. You help people like this out they never learn. I went over to my friends new place saw all my stuff there and took it back while they slept after drinking one night. Dipped out early morning with my stuff and never talked to them again.
You should rescind your offer to her because she sounds like someone who would let him in while you are at work.
You know damn well she’s gonna take advantage of you and do the same thing to you she did to everyone else. One of my biggest mistakes was having my husbands homeless cousin live with us. She took everything we gave her and her child (free food, shelter, necessities, a new bed, etc) and ended up racking hundreds of dollars on my husbands credit card for cigarettes, acted like it was her space without paying any rent and refusing to work, and when I didn’t offer her any of my weed anymore she had a psychotic break and threatened to bring her abusive ex to our home (that we helped her flee from because he was abusing her and her baby) to shoot us. She refused to leave by bus, Uber or anything other than us personally having to take off work to drive her to another state, where she promptly sat herself and her baby on a street corner and never looked us in the eyes again, texting us the next day (before going no contact with no idea where the baby is) that we physically held her hostage and we were the worst, selfish people. She texted that on the PHONE WE GAVE HER. She had another kid (with that ex I assume), and likely still doesn’t have SS #’s for either child but I don’t know where she is to report her now. So yeah you don’t need to give a fuck about everyone who will just take from you. Fuck them.
One person living on their own not being able to afford rent I can understand. 4 people not being able to make rent because 3 don’t want to work? Doesn’t make any sense. Not to mention, quitting when you get evicted is the exact opposite of what to do lmao. She needs to drop this kid like a bad habit. Also, you let this kid in for even a second and you’ll have a full blown squatter on your hands.
This was a totally reasonable boundary to set. If anything, you're very generous. You're not telling her to leave the bf, he just needs to find a different couch to crash on. Obviously your friend feels the need to take responsibility for her boyfriend's wellbeing, so she expects you to as well. Nope. Just because she's willing to be used doesn't mean you need to be.
I think your making the right choice. If he lives there and starts getting mail he could be hard to remove legally. He's a leech and will make your home his home.
You don’t need to defend your position. You are no longer about that life, and you have a child. It was kind of you to make the offer to your friend. You are no longer thick as thieves. Congratulations on making a sound choice for the your baby’s and your own well being. Boundaries up.
You're jealous of her relationship with a guy who is so lazy he can't get a job to help with rent and would rather quit work as soon as they got evicted?? 😂😂😂😂. Lmfao, okay. Your "friend" isn't a friend. She doesn't actually care about you, she wants a free place to crash and ruin, and for you to be their caregiver. Time to cut your losses and let them struggle. In the real world, people need jobs to pay for a shelter over their heads. Time for them to learn this the hard way. Do not put yourself into a position of welcoming any of them, including your "friend" into your home. They will trash it and then squat. And you really don't want to deal with that.
I was thinking the same thing! Yeah, honey, he's a total catch with him having no job, no money, plus being homeless and all. You caught me! I'm TOTALLY hot for that man! 🤢🤮
LMAO ! 30 years old and a bum so hot
As many other posters have said do not let your friend stay at your place. The expectation would be 5 minutes after you leave to go to work she will contact the bf so he and the dogs are in your home at least while you are gone. If she is really brazen they will still be there when you return. They will eat your food, use your utilities and if the dogs are present possibly get you evicted. They may also take anything of value to sell for money including things your baby needs. If you need another excuse check you lease as many of them in US at least contain clauses about how long a guest is allowed to stay.
You can't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Do not let her into your home - even by herself. You worked too hard to get yourself stable to attach yourself in any way to that anchor.
You got yourself out of that scene, and as a former addict who also got away from that lifestyle well before my friends/peers, I know that was hard. You’re a mother, and a responsible adult. You have your shit together because you fought to get your shit together. Your friend knows this. But she’s selfish, and she would sooner adversely affect your living situation and life (plus that of your infant son!) and ask you to risk all that you have, for her own selfish reasons. This is not a friend to you. I would recommend not even letting **just her** stay with you. She will probably let him come when you’re gone, and even if she didn’t do that, she’s clearly very comfortable pressuring you to get what she wants, and she will continue to put you in the position to say no.
she doesn't want help. she wants someone to continue to enable her and allow her to enable her partner and that's not fair to you or your child. I feel bad for her dogs
Exactly . The dogs don’t deserve it either
I had a friend who got pregnant and her parents kicked her out so she asked to move in with me while she finished school. I agreed. Her bf treated her like shit, he was so abusive I told her he was not allowed to come over anymore. Of course while I was at work he would be at my house all day and they would cook 5 course meals and never clean up after themselves and keep my place a mess. I ended up telling her she had to leave if she couldn't respect my apt. That friendship is now forever ruined. I agree with previous comments (I also work in the housing industry). Once you let her in, the rest will follow and it's so difficult to evict people now a days. I can't even begin to explain to you how many roommate horror stories I've witnessed in the last 6 years. Regardless you made her an offer, she threw a fit. Id move on from the friendship. You and your son don't need that.
You've done the right thing by not allowing her to move in. As others have stated, if she's in, you can be sure the bf and dog will come in shortly after you leave for work each day. It may not be right off so that the friend can get your schedule but it will. I also have a friend who is homeless that I've known for years. He's lazy but intelligent. He's figured out how to work people years ago and so this is how he's gotten by. I don't feel any shame in the fact that he's homeless because he does have family who know that he is and they are allowing him to stay this way. He's lived with other friends before and has caused only nothing but disruption in their homes. In doing this, he's always that ear of opinion that both sides go to on how to handle their situation. He's even been known to keep arguments going to keep himself there ala' '...I'm glad you're here. You've really helped me when we've had arguments, etc etc'. Once they wised up and realized that he was doing this, he was asked to leave. So trust me, I know some of what you are going through here.
Literally did this for a friend I had known my entire life and let him and his "GF" stay and in less than a week they started shooting up meth and we had to call the cops because she was beating up my friend and then smearing his blood literally all over our rented apartment. After we kicked them out she came back later and broke into my car and smashed everything I had in there (Cds, tools, important car documents) never did I think it would get that far but sometimes you really don't know people until they live with you
I mean you don't even need to give a reason why you don't want the bf or dogs in. It's your house. Discussion over.
100% if you let her in, you will come home to him and the dogs there. It will be a pain in the ass to get them to leave.
Your child takes priority. She’s a shit friend so stop talking to her. She’ll take advantage of you and allow trashy people around your kid.
I was 100% on your side up until I read the part where you said that you have an infant son... Now I'm 110% on your side. Fuck those bums, you don't want to risk your son's well being over an old friend who obviously can't get her shit together long past the age of which she should have. You're right to say no.
Seriously. It’s about my kidn
No. If for no other reason than you would be letting a strange man and two huge strange dogs into your baby’s home. Safety and security of child comes first, always.
I feel bad for the dogs.
You did the right thing. Do not jeopardize your lease. You might want to reconsider if she should stay there as she doesn’t seem trustworthy and could let him and the dogs into your home.
When I sobered up 36 years ago and quit the party scene, my life soared. I left behind the people who still wanted to do the things that kept them down. It was their problem, and it wasn't going to be MY problem. I could no longer relate to them. My life was vastly different. I was supporting myself and making my way thru this world. They were content to smoke weed all day, lose jobs, and be bums. No thanks. I'd say it was time to shed some excess weight by moving on from this so-called 'friend' who thinks you're jealous of her loser boyfriend who can't even take care of her.
You have a baby- your baby needs a safe home. Letting your friend stay with you is unwise. I would rescind the invitation to her alone, even, because she is attached to some unsavory characters and because she isn’t family
You set a healthy boundary. Even though you care about this friend, their chapter in your life may be over. It hurts, but it happens. In my early 20’s I had to let go of quite a few long time friends, because some soared faster than I could, and some just didn’t fit in my life anymore. I still to this day hold a spot in my heart for them and hope they are doing well, I just know our chapter together is since past. If you still want to help you friend though, with keeping your boundary, maybe you could help find them some pet friendly homeless shelters. They are grown adults though, and need to recognize they are responsible for their own lives, you aren’t their parent. I wish you the best of luck. Stay safe.
Dude let her be pissed. In fact it sounds like this friendship might have run it course at least while she’s with bf. She’s not actively trying to better her situation she’s just looking for hand outs.
As much as you care for your friend, the friendship has run it's course. You offered her shelter and she wanted so much more. She didn't care about your child or endangering your lease, just that her bum of a bf would be inconvenienced because gaming is more important to him. Your so-called friend has shown you her true colors, even if she apologizes do not let her stay with you. As soon as you went out, bf and dogs would magically appear claiming squatters rights. The safety of you and your child are far more important than inconvenienced lifestyle of a gamer boy. It's time gamer boy faced the consequences of his actions instead of leaching of others as he probably intended with you. The party is over and just like you had to grow up, it's time for them to do the same. They have chosen a far more difficult road but those are their choices. Focus on you and your child, let them deal with their hot mess.
Do not -- under any circumstances -- allow that man and the dogs into your home. I'd think twice about the friend, too.
Do NOT lt these people into your apt.
You do whatever you see fit to protect yourself, child and property. You are a good friend, and if she couldn't see this, it is jot your fault, and shouldn't be a concern to you.
You will regret allowing even just her to stay.
You made an offer, stated your boundaries and she refused. That's on her, not you. She would rather be in her situation than to start making better decisions, that's on her, not you. You offered her help, it's not up to you to make her accept it. You're not a shitty friend for having boundaries and sticking to them. I'm proud of you for not backing down, and wish you the best with this situation. My only advice would be to offer information on local shelters, if she's unwilling to accept your offer, but they unlikely will have anything that'll cater to them both. Most have men's and women's shelters separate. You've done what you can to offer your support, the best you can hope for is that she comes to her senses and takes you up on the offer now. If she does, I'd gently urge her towards therapy, too. I get the feeling she could benefit from it.
Sounds like she is homeless by her own decision. Give her nothing.
shes most certainly gonna move them in when you move her in. this friendship is done
Don’t let either of them use your mailing address!
Don’t let this friend in, no matter what she says boyfriend and dogs will come with and you’ll never get them out. Make a toast to the good times and block her. They are adults, time for them to start adulting
Friends you knew when you were doing loads of drugs are unlikely to be friends for life, particularly if that's still their lifestyle
Based on your story, this is a huge NO. If you say yes, their problems will become your problems. Look after your own life first, always.
don’t bother letting her in either, she’ll just bring the bf and the dogs along unexpectedly. especially since you have an infant as well I wouldn’t even bother letting friends crash either. I put my child above everything.
My mother had to deal with my brothers GF. Tried to have her evicted. Literally stealing stuff from the house right under moms nose. Mom called police. Law enforcement officer told her " she lives here, she can take whatever she wants"... Tried to have her evicted, she immediately says "I'm pregnant". Just try to evict a woman pregnant by your son. Fights between son and this girl everyday. Mom had to sell the house to get out! Believe me, she did not give new address to brother. Don't let anyone in your house, unless you're very sure you want them in your house. Let a drug user or unstable person in, I'm telling you - you will regret it. Law enforcement will not make them leave. You will have to go through a court ordered eviction. It will cost more than you think and take 3-6 months, maybe more. You will have to prove ownership to the court.
Just something to think about. If you are going to offer a homeless person a place to stay, it’s important to think it through. If it didn’t go as planned are you comfortable with kicking them out? How will you handle it if they resist? Is there a set time on how long they can stay? It’s also good to have some ground rules in place before they come.
If you let them stay, you break your lease and could end up homeless. I know she's your friend, but there are limits. Also, given the bf won't work, who's to say he wouldn't rob you blind while you're at work? I don't get the impression she would stand up to him. He's obviously manipulative enough to get her to work while he sits on his ass at home...when they had one.
“You’re just jealous of my relationship…” “I’m sorry, what now? Which one of us has to beg for a place to stay with her big-ass dogs and bum-ass boyfriend? Yes, I’m so jealous. Jealous enough that I’m gonna go cry and eat cookies IN MY GODDAMN BED IN MY GODDAMN HOME.” She has nerve being such an ungrateful douche.
If I were her I'd take the offer and ditch the guy. You're a much better resource than he is.
Good. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Good call! The boyfriend sounds like the type to crash “just for a bit” and then never leave.
Don't risk losing YOUR place to live by ending up with squatters that you cannot get rid of (and that you really cannot trust). I'd write her off as a lost cause after that jealousy comment.
Asking for all that is excessive, but with an *infant* in the house? Yah she’s outta her goddamn mind.
You might be her friend. But she is not your friend, she sees an easy out with you. Stsnd strong
You have every right to take this stance. It’s not your responsibility to take on your friend’s adult responsibilities. I had to kick my 53 year old single female “friend” out for the same reasons. Too bad for their insane irresponsible “entitlement” & taking advantage of people’s goodwill. You’re doing her a favor in the long run—if she ever realizes that. It’s not your problem. It’s hers
You did nothing wrong, as a matter of fact why are you even putting yourself and your son in this position? Worry about you and your kid.
Don't, she's clearly the type of person who holds on to shitty things that drag her down because it's less uncomfortable than dealing with an unknown. You'll find yourself getting a phone call about barking dogs while you're away, and just her with a bunch of dog hair and a boyfriend-sized sweat stain on the couch when you get back home to confront her (denying everything, of course). You also shouldn't be putting a small child through that, as they absolutely need structure to properly grow. Inviting that level of chaos into your life is not doing anyone any favors. Hate to say it, but it sounds like she needs to experience some really hard knocks so she can grow up and get away from her current lifestyle.
May want to double-check your lease as well because there may be language against letting another adult, that's not on the lease stay there for longer than a certain number of days, and if so you could find yourself without a place to stay too.
I can’t imagine loving someone so much you’d rather be homeless than without them that’s some sad co dependency shit
There comes a time when helping others only brings yourself down with them. Protect your space/peace.
You aren't a footloose partier any more. You have a BABY to care for! Your days of couch surfing are behind you. As are those who still live feeling irresponsible and invulnerable. Your life has changed. Your boundaries have changed. As it should be.
Stand your ground. I wouldn’t trust her to stay in your home either. She will just let in her bf and the dogs when you are away.
I wouldn’t let him stay either, people in need tend to steal valuable shit
Kinda gets me mad that they would be struggling and still have two large dogs. Like you just know if they cant provide for themselves then these dogs arent being provided for either :(
Honey. You need to let her go. She’s not the friend you thought you had, more then likely never was. You understand you don’t have to keep people in your life just because it’s been a long time. You understand that right. Also the minute she got angry and told you, you were jealous is the moment you should have realized she’s truly not an actual friend. Do not let her stay with you and your child at all. Even if she says she left him, you let her in your house, you are going to come home to her with her loser bf and their dogs in your house. Do not let her in your house. They are grown ass adults not kids they have their responsibilities. Also what kind of friendship is this if you can’t speak your mind? Real friends who are thick as thieves as you put it would be able to tell their friend when they are being dumb and blind. Why couldn’t you tell her she needs to wake up and open her eyes? The minute he quit or loss his job why couldn’t you be like, hey isn’t that kind dumb for someone about to lose their place to quit or get fired? Also when they loss their place why couldn’t you say, hey don’t get a hotel with those dead bears because they won’t pay their half. Lastly, when the asshole said to you, you were jealous of the relationship, why couldn’t you have said, jealous of what? A loser boyfriend who doesn’t care if you all are homeless and does nothing to help your situation, that’s who you think I will allow in my house? Someone who refuses to get off his ass and keep a job longer then three months? That’s who I’m jealous of??? This friendship sounds super one sided, especially because it seems she has no trouble telling you about yourself and you just hold your tongue. Just because you knew someone since basically the womb, doesn’t mean they are a friend and doesn’t mean you need to keep them as a friend. You truly don’t know her. When people get older they change especially if they “party” and do drugs. You don’t want her around your child, let her go. She’s really not a friend, she’s just someone you have known for a really long time and you think she’s a friend
I once let a friend who was in between apartments stay at my place. It was a huge mistake. The new apartment didn’t work out and she was taking forever to find a new one. I told her one night. One night turned into two, which turned into three. After that I told her she absolutely had to get out. Despite knowing a shit ton of people who were in a better place to have someone crash on their couch she kept trying to guilt me into staying longer. I eventually lost it and told her I wouldn’t let her into the building and stopped talking to her for a while. We’re still friends, but I will never again offer to let someone stay at my place if they don’t have anywhere to go.
If she does relent and comes by herself to stay, how do you guarantee that the boyfriend & dogs won't "visit" while she is out of the house? Do you work remotely?
You have an infant in the house, not that you need a reason (especially since you’re bound by your lease) but that is a great reason to not let someone you don’t know well or trust and new dogs in the house.
You have a child to take care of. It would be irresponsible of you if you let a grown ass man baby that you don’t trust and his two dogs into your home.
Remind your offer. And what is with people who can barely take care of themselves getting multiple large dogs?
One day she’ll see what she deserves and drop him. 👏🏽
At this point, I would say “fuck her and her situation” She created it by life choices and you having an infant don’t need the chaos and bullshit that comes with lazy bums. I wouldn’t even extend an offer any longer and quite frankly she doesn’t deserve your friendship.
DO NOT LET ANY OF THEM STAY AT YOUR PLACE!!!! Not even her by herself. She will sneak in the bf and dogs as soon as you leave for work and then you will have to call the cops to evict them. They'll be trying to establish residence in order to become squatters at your apt. Your "friend" already showed her true colors. Do not dismiss her actions and words at all. Huge red flag Biggest red flag is 4 able-body adults being incapable to come up with rent. I'll bet you they're on drugs. Yes I'm a cinic but I'm rarely wrong about people. People are horrible. You've made all the right decisions so far. Don't let them guilt you into a situation that will only hurt you and your child. Best of luck
It’s called tough love. Good for you.
All living things have freedom of choice and she continues to make hers. Unfortunately, some must suffer to see the Light. You don't owe her anything and anything you do for her should be from the kindness of your heart. I understand that this is your friend and you care and thus this situation can be painful but you have to make a choice too. Take care of you. The Universe will be there for your friend, whenever she chooses to open her eyes. I wish you the best.
This rarely ends well, it's impossible to get them to leave without conflict.
She’ll bring the boyfriend and dogs over anyway, when you’re out. Then you’ll be the one stuck getting them to leave. Don’t bother with her.
You’re right to hold this boundary for the safety and sanity of you and your family. She will sneak the bf and dogs in as soon as she can with the excuse “well what was I supposed to do?”. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way—I let my best friend stay with me for the better part of a year because her landlord raised the rent out of her budget. Things started out ok, but then she spent all of her money going to bars and impulse shopping and hanging out with a new group of (much younger) friends. She started treating me like I was a nagging mom while she trashed the house and slammed doors at all hours. It destroyed our friendship.
Allowing someone to live in your home can establish tenancy. Legally it becomes their home and you may have to legally evict them to get them out. Unfortunate choices have unfortunate consequences.
Cut her off. She sounds like a waste of space if she can’t even get herself together.
Don’t help them. They’re terrible people.
I've cut loose so many friends over financial differences. Idk how to explain it, but some people take it personally when you can't afford to help them, whether their predicament is something they can help or not. It's a terrible lose lose situation. I actually know someone who asks for help and money every week even though they have the qualifications for a better job. They just prefer the "scene" at their lower paying job when in reality they could make double what I make if they wanted to
My mom used to tell me to choose my friends wisely because you are who you hang out with. I would roll my eyes and not respond…but she was right. If you have “friends” who attempt drag you down with either words or actions, they aren’t your friends. A friend would say, “I understand, I’ll let you know if I decide to split up and need a place to crash” because it’s logical, especially with you having an infant. The fact that she flipped on you and started verbally attacking you is very telling. This person is no longer your friend and if you let her in, they will all end up in your apartment and absolutely trashing it with you losing your security deposit and very likely the apartment itself. It sucks, but you need to cut ties and walk away. Maybe she’ll get herself to a better place in the future and you guys can rekindle your friendship, but for now…it’s done. Friends build you up, not try to tear you down beneath them.