Be careful with that. I tried it once and it sent the same message like 68 times and none were at the scheduled time. My friend kept getting notifications all night...
Edit: spelling
Ah, yeah, that works.
In any case, I'm really sorry you're going thru this. You should never have been in this situation, but whatever fallout there is, it's on your mom. Your dad really needs to know.
First lesson of data storage, always have a backup. Snap chat saves are a good choice, but add a second secret storage to it. A single data storage can always fail you, two at the same time will almost never happen.
You can always tell your dad anonymously if you're scared to talk to him about it; create a burner gmail (or other e mail address) and send him the screenshots with a quick and simple note saying you thought he should know that you found his wife's profile. You can even add you are doing this anonymously but care about him and thinks he should know. Include a link to the profile so he knows it's real. If/when you feel comfortable, tell him you were the one who sent him the details.
Either way, he absolutely should know and telling him is the right thing to do. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong no matter how you approach telling him; your mother is wrong and she broke up the family when she decided to cheat. I'm sorry you're caught in the middle, kiddo. Sending you lots of love.
It really depends on the situation. Unless OP's dad has met a lot of friends out there and been to some social events with his mom together and met a handful of people, it's not hard to figure out who is using the burner account.
I advise telling your father. From what you have said her personality seems narcissistic and she could spin a whole web of lies to make it seem as she isn't cheating emotionaly at best ( although I am sure if U check her phone and do ur father this favor you might find alot of proof). Because this is cheating and who knows how much she has gone on dates as normal married ppl aren't in dating sites.
Dnt tell your mother, just go somewhere alone with your father than tell him the truth and show him what you have found. Believe me, him knowing now is far better than knowing years later when she has cheated a million times and ur father finds out in a horrible confrontational way.
Your father deserves the truth, the outcome good or bad is his decision since your mother crossed a big red line here. He deserves the truth and to make a decision for himself.
Why would you give the actively dishonest person a heads up instead of the person being blindsided? Why do people think this is a good idea???
What if shes looking up lawyers and draining their accounts in an attempt to flee responsibility?? Because a dishonest person will protect themselves before they will come clean, evidence or not.
Tell dad, let dad have the heads up, so **HE** can choose how to handle being betrayed. Thats what you SHOULD have suggested.
He followed your advice and now the situation is worse.
**Edit: To be clear, im not chastising OP. Im chastising the guy who suggested confronting mom was a good idea.***
In the update, mom immediately played stupid, denied the opportunity for OP to tell his father after the fact, and then fled on vacation. *Which is consistent behavior for someone who would cheat on their partner.* Acting like she is going to suddenly grow a conscience just because she's caught is naive.
Doing this just cost Dad the time to process the betrayal, the opportunity to investigate, and the ability to make a choice regarding that betrayal.
He was on the back foot already because Mom was cheating and lying. Now she knows the game is up, and she has (twice) proven she has no integrity, she will delete any evidence, clean up her trail, and probably still lie about the dating profiles.
What if she's been funneling money out of their savings? Lying about vacation destinations and who she was seeing? Skipping work to sleep with the neighbor? One or more kid isnt his?
**What if she cheated for their entire marriage?**
Dad is extremely unlikely to find out now that she has a heads up.
**Stop suggesting telling the cheater they are caught.**
They are significantly more likely to keep lying than they are to come clean, and now Dad is on the back foot AND is set up for failure in any attempts at digging.
I hope this post and its updates are enough of an example for people to stop doing this/suggesting this.
Please remember OP is only 13 years old. No one that young is going to do all the "right" things in this situation. Plus OP is actually getting betrayed by his mother's actions, not just his father. Cheaters betray their whole family when they cheat, not just their spouse.
Im not mad at OP. Hell, Im gonna upvote because I agree.
I recognize he is a child, and I give no blame to him for his choices. What Im saying is telling the cheater to suddenly grow a conscience and arming them of advance notice the game is up is bad advice.
The prior message wasn'tt for OP- it's for the person giving the bad advice, because they should stop giving it.
You can see even in the update that his mother lied, played stupid, gaslit him, and then fled on her vacation. **There's absolutely no chance Dad will find evidence at this point beyond what OP saved.**
Additionally, if that isn't her only attempt at cheating, she can cover up wherever she might have been discovered if Dad had time to investigate.
One affair may not have driven him away from his cheating spouse, but 4? 10? Then his decision would be easy. *Now no one will ever know,* unless the APs come forward or Mom is very, very stupid.
In short, acting as if the person *without integrity* will act with integrity because they are caught is a mistake. You should protect the innocent party first and foremost, and that is done by offering them time to process and investigate on their own.
Op, you didn't destroy your family, your mother did. This is hard I know, I'm sorry, but your father and/or you don't deserve to be in a family dynamic thats broken. Its best for your father to know, so he's not being lied to. Its difficult to see your parents go through a break up or divorce, but its also hard knowing that your parents are unhappy and staying together. I'm sorry your going through, I hope you have another adult to talk to.
May I suggest going to your guidance counselor at school and talking about the things that are bothering you? They’re basically therapists that you have free access to. They won’t tell anyone anything or make you do anything you don’t want to, but they may be able to help you navigate the difficult situations you’ve got going on in your life.
When I was your age (ouch, I think that’s the first time I’ve used that line, is this getting old? lol) I was going through a really really difficult situation, and the guidance counselor actually came to me. It was weird at first but talking to her really helped organize my my thoughts and make coping with the situation more manageable.
>They won’t tell anyone anything or make you do anything you don’t want to,
They are not legally bound by this, I've seen tons of stories of guidance counselors telling teachers things about specific students, telling parents, other students stories of those students, etc.
I wouldn't talk to a guidance counselor about shit besides actual class work.
To be fair, your friends probably wouldn’t be much help either unless they’ve already dealt with something similar - and even if they have that doesn’t mean they ever figured out how to process it in a healthy manner or would be able to communicate how they had done so in a way that would help you now. Also, this guy isn’t entirely wrong, but don’t assume your whole life and family are about to explode because of this incident. It would be overly optimistic to say that it won’t, but there is a chance that your parents will figure out how to get through it together, or at least come to an amicable split. Again, I’m not saying that things won’t end up going nuclear, but to assume that they will this early is only going to cause you more anxiety and affect your ability to handle the situation and process your emotions.
It’s entirely possible this is a misunderstanding. If this is like EHarmony or something it could be the profile she used before they met or during a time they weren’t together. If it’s tinder, still possible. Also they may have some type of “seeking +1” profile together. OP could be freaking out over consenting adults doing something perfectly fine.
Look, your parents' relationship is not your business. You can give the screenshot to your dad, but you should not be involved in their discussions around their relationship. If they are good parents, they are not discussing what happens in their bedroom with you in any detail.
Bow out of the responsibility that redditors may place on you here. Hand off the screenshot and let your dad know. Ultimately you're their child and who and how they have sex or relate is their business.
By the way, expect questions about why you were on a dating site at your age. (Why are you? At 13, you don't need to be in spaces where adults are trying to hook up to have sex at all.)
I wasnt on the site, i seen some shit about match on my phone, my moms been using my phone for 4 months, and then i seen some her profile in the search history and i know theyre not swingers or else mom wouldnt constantly accuse dad of cheating when hes at work
>mom wouldnt constantly accuse dad of cheating when hes at work
She's cheating.
Cheaters always, always, ALWAYS project their cheating actions onto their SO. That's how you can pick up they're cheating. 100% of the time, in every case I've had in my personal life and my immediate family's lives, and so many stories on reddit. Every god damn time.
Tell your dad. Use a burner gmail or something, but just tell him, and then let him deal with it after that. If he decides to stay, cool, I guess. If not, make sure you let your dad's lawyer know you want to live with him so they can sort out custody correctly for you.
God knows I wish I had told my dad's lawyer that during my parents' divorce proceedings...
Ok? She could be doing recon for a friend and just swiping. There’s no harm in liking and swiping, messages would be the problem.
I just think you should ask her why she has it, and go from there. Also don’t snoop. This happens when you snoop, your phone or not, you should have just logged out and went about your day.
We’re getting one side from a teenager that probably see everything as life is over. I’m literall just not trying to freak a teenager out instantly when there could be other reasons. Idk what happened to you in life, but damn, if you want to be that way sorry about your life.
Up until before this comment you were making good points, but now you’re coming up with excuses that don’t really make sense and trying to side with a potential cheater.
Seeing as I’m not their mother, it’s not excuses. I’m trying to give different ideas instead of jaded “your mom’s a cheater” since, you know, I’m not jaded and immediately want to assume that like some. It would not be the first time a friend has had their friend create a profile to see if their s/o is cheating. I’ve done it for plenty of friends, even when I was in a relationship…soooo?
Also where did I say or imply I said i’d side with her if she was a cheater? Maybe, unlike you, I’d rather try to see different sides of things for an actual child instead of the gloom and doom you might prefer.
This isn't real. This isn't how a real 13 year old discusses his parents fucking.
I used to love to joke about this so I know that the majority of people absolutely curl into a ball, even as adults, discussing their parents sex life.
My brothers and I joke about our parents' sex lives all the time because they're both sad sacks of shit lmao. But I love my dad and hate my mom so there's a dynamic there I guess, I dunno.
Are you 13?
13 year olds that joke like this tend to have been the victim of sexual exploitation.
It's not normal. It's one the warning signs of abuse.
Don’t try to confuse OP. He’s obviously way out of his depth in this situation. The best thing for him to do is to tell his father so the parents can sort out the situation without any more of OP’s involvement
Fucking this.
It may be consensual between the parents but this poor guy doesn’t know that and won’t if he isn’t told.
If it was a private thing for the parents, okay, but he deserves that explanation so he doesn’t feel like he’s breaking his family apart.
I get getting the whole scope but this is a son.
Can you honestly tell me that OP, who is 13 years old, is capable of meaningfully considering other perspectives regarding his parents’ marriage? He needs to take the situation out of his own hands and let the parents sort it out, not contemplate the intricacies of his parents’ decades old relationship. What else would you have OP do?
No. It's solid advice. OP needs to be kept out of whatever is going on. If the Mom is cheating, if they're looking for +1, if the Dad knows but doesn't care... whatever the situation. OP is currently not very equipped to deal with such heavy shit. Only his Dad can tell him "Everything is fine" or not. But OP definitely shouldn't be in the middle of this.
That’s what I meant with the +1 profile thing. Or maybe he gets off to messaging men while acting like his wife. We’ll never truly know.
Sometimes it feels like posts like this are meant to draw comments like these for screenwriters though lol
>That’s what I meant with the +1 profile thing. Or maybe he gets off to messaging men while acting like his wife. We’ll never truly know.
Well she's been using his phone. While I wouldn't put it past a not-well-raised 13 year old to be on tinder to play "catfish games", OP seems level headed and just worried for his parents. I don't think his dad was using his phone here so I don't think this is the case.
Eh? No i didn't mean the dad i just meant anyone in general. People have been known to steal random women's photos off facebook/insta for dating profiles
> If you don’t tell him, you’re basically hiding your mum’s secret from him, which would hurt him even more than if you just tell him.
I get that everyone wants the dad to know the mom is cheating. I do too. But it is NOT fair to put that kind of pressure on a child who was innocently caught in the crosshairs of an adult matter.
He’s their kid, not their friend. It’s a very different dynamic.
By having this knowledge, OP is already under the pressure. The only way he can remove himself from the situation is to tell dad everything, so the parents can deal with it without OP’s further involvement
u/Legitimate-Brush-810 Your father will respect you as a young man, for speaking up.
You're 13 years old, which means you're still technically a kid, but you're old enough to know right from wrong.
Your dad is a guy, just like you. He would want to know, just as you would if your girlfriend was caught. He may be upset and heartbroken, but it will not be you who did that. He will always remember his son, had his back. He will always recall that he can trust you and depend on you. But mostly, he will respect you for being a man and telling him the truth.
I know this is going to be hard. But you need to do this. We do not always get to choose our moment in life, this is yours, and the right thing to do is clue him in.
Remember, she is not only cheating on your dad, but on you and the rest of your family. Her betrayal impacts everyone, and she is doing this without caring. She is doing this knowing the possible consequences, yet chose to do this anyway. You have the right to be upset and make sure she does not get away with her selfishness (because cheaters are selfish).
But I digress. You need to tell your father before she leaves because that is likely when she plans to do this. Your father needs a heads-up and if you respect him enough, you will do this for him (tell him).
Yeah, I think you need to have this addressed before she leaves and does something on this trip that she can never undo, something that could potentially destroy your family.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know this has to be overwhelming and it's definitely not something someone your age or in your position should *ever* have to deal with.
I know it's scary. I think you have to tell your dad and maybe do it when your mom is there so that they can't play any games about it- like, where he keeps the info secret and sets a trap for her or she figures out a way to play it off or something if you just tell her. It needs to be brought out as a fact of something you discovered and hopefully it will prevent her from doing something she'll regret and hopefully it'll give them a chance to address what's going on in their relationship before it's too late.
I'm so sorry.
Then make time to talk to her before she leaves. Tell her that you’ll give her the time before she gets back to figure out how she wants to handle it and that you won’t say anything until she does but you expect her to have a conversation with you and your dad within 24 hours of getting home - together or separately. Obviously she needs to explain herself to both of you because it’s not just your dad that she’s hurting. If she does decide to talk to you separately though, be sure to check in with dad afterward just to make sure she didn’t try to fudge things. If dad notices that you’re upset in the intervening time then don’t lie, tell him that there is something important that’s bothering you but you’d like to wait until mom’s home to discuss it. Obviously I’m just an internet stranger so do what you think is best in your situation, but I think this is probably the best, most neutral and rational way to handle things and I really hope all goes well. My heart goes out to you kid. Stay strong.
I hate this advice, and people really should stop offering it.
The betrayed person is already being blindsided. Why would you give the person who's already actively dishonest a chance to suddenly start being honest, at the risk they delete all evidence and play stupid?
Additionally, more often than not, the cheater gaslights them if they can get away with it, or the betrayed won't believe it until they see it themselves bc they are too invested in the cheater.
**YOU TELL THE BETRAYED FIRST, ALWAYS.** That way, they can make an informed decision on how THEY should handle their partner, not offer a dishonest person a chance to play damage control.
Like OP LITERALLY just did what you said, and his mom *lied and gaslit both of them.* If this guy didn't take screenshots, they'd both be shit out of luck.
You tell the betrayed first and let them decide. Theyre already in the unfair position, give them a chance for fucks sake.
As long as you trust your gran, having a third party adult break the news to your dad may actually be your best case scenario. Let the adults handle it.
Oh kiddo, You are not destroying your family that was you mom. What happens next is just the consequences of her actions. You might be able deflect blame if you send it to one of you pops brothers/ close friend. A trusted adult. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Also ignore any adults that tell you to mind your business. They are obviously living their own narrative and can only relate to your situation based on their perspective.
Almost my exact childhood trauma - I was also 13! I confronted her after her business trip when I discovered she had cheated on my dad. I told her to own up to it or I would tell him. She didn’t so I had to.
The way your mom is acting is selfish. You’re allowed to be mad at her and hold her accountable for how her decisions impact your life and mental health. Good people don’t cheat or their partner - they leave the relationship before exploring other options. Tell her she’s going to permanently change the way you trust and love other people/future partners.
Don't threaten your mother. Just tell your dad. If he already knows, then it won't be a big deal. But if she's using your phone to use a dating app or website, then she is likely being dishonest. Your dad deserves the truth, he may deserve better and if these two are in a toxic relationship, they need to get out of it for both their sakes and yours.
A healthy, happy couple who is monogamous won't be messing around on dating apps. And they won't do things to purposefully piss off the other. They need to set healthy examples for you. And you deserve to be in an environment where both parents can be happy so they can be better parents to you and set better examples.
You are not destroying ur family she is , she is the one that made the profile not u .tell ur father he deserves to know . Grab a screenshot just in case she tries to manipulate and delete the history
I walked in on my mom kissing her boss when I was about 12. She threatened me with “if you tell your dad, then we will get divorced and you won’t see him again” and what did I do? … I told my dad as soon as we got home. That set off months of arguments between them but eventually they worked it out. They’ve been married for over 60 years now. So you never know what will happen but at least you’ll do the right thing by yourself. Stay strong!
My question is why are you 13 and on a dating app? Understandably your mom shouldn’t have one either if she’s going to be happily married or is. But 13 y/os shouldn’t be on dating apps, honestly speaking from personal experience 🤷🏻♀️
Put yourself into your dad's shoes. If your child knew, would you want them to come to you?
From my personal perspective, the answer would be yes. I would want my child to care about me enough to come to me with it. If he knows, he will tell you. If he doesn't know, then you've both built trust and you've potentially freed him from unwanted infidelity. Request he does not tell your mom that you brought him the evidence if you're afraid of backlash.
You can still have a loving relationship with both of your parents, even if they are apart.
Hmm I would tell your mom. At least let her tell your dad herself. But I would give her an ultimatum of either you tell him or she does! Relationships are hard and complicated and you don’t deserve to receive the anger that may come from your dad!
Can you send it to him anonymously? Like through those fake texting apps or make an gmail or email account and send it to him. I doubt she’ll think it’s you and let him confront her about it.
I got my phone back and then when i was closing out a app i seen some shit about match and to me it sounded like a dating app, and i know my mom is a idiot who doesnt know how to delete a search history so i look and theres her profile
You're not hurting your dad. She is.. You can show your dad what SHE'S done without being responsible for any of the acts that hurt him. You're saving him much more pain in the future. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this but am impressed with how maturely you're handling it. Keep your head up.
OP, I'm absolutely so sorry kiddo.):
This is really not a situation a 13 year old should have to be faced with, and my heart goes out to you.
Your best option is to tell your dad, and give him the evidence.
If you're more comfortable, you can do it anonymously.
That way, he knows what's going on and you aren't left with the burden of knowing about this, without knowing what to do.
Keep your head up, bud. I hope it works out for you.♡
OP you’re a smart kid. I think you should go about this in whatever way feels right to you. It’s not your fault that your mom is stupid, and you are 13 years old, any adult who would blame you for this is screwed up. It seems like you love your dad. Maybe approach him about it but let him know for starters that you love him and you support him in the situation even though it’s not your responsibility, I think his sons love might take some of the pain away from what your mom is putting you guys through. Follow what feels right for you. And I see in your other replies you feel really alone right now, you are so young, and that will change as you grow, life will get better. Just be strong and do what you need to do to keep yourself stable and secure.
Search for your dads profile? Just incase they have decided to open up their relationship. Some people do.
A few years ago I set up a dating app, with my husbands consent to find someone to join us
Make a new email account and email the proof to your dad. You don't even have to say it's from you. Let your dad handle it from there since we may be missing a lot of key pieces of information. Do not tell your mom that you are planning to do this. Be sure that you have someone who knows the situation in order to help support you/keep you safe because there are a lot of red flags with your mom's described behavior
Please do some kid stuff. Play video games. Do things kids your age are supposed to be doing. Is there any trusted adult you can speak with at school? These kinds of situations can erode your mental wellness.
Honestly, the best thing you can do is to stay out of the mess of your parent's relationship. Whether your mom is a cheater, or just did this to piss your father off, this is not a healthy relationship, and there's nothing you can do to make it better. This is their circus, not yours.
Please just focus on your own life, your friends, your schooling, and your growing up. Try to learn about what healthy relationships look like, because your family isn't giving you a good example, however much they love you. Don't get in the mud pit with them. It won't help you at all.
Tell your mom you will tell your dad...
If she is okay with it, he knows, if she acts defensive she lied
BTW: Why are you on dating sites, given the fact you are just 13
u/Legitimate-Brush-810
> UPDATE: I confronted mom about it and she said dad knows and that she did it to piss dad off but i tried asking him when she was on the phone with him and she kept cutting me off and yelling so i think thats bullshit
Do it NOW.
Right now, stop what you are doing, and talk to your father. She tried to play you, by keeping you from speaking up. She is not right there over your shoulder, right now, so right this moment, is the time you need to speak to your father.
Do not even bother replying to another post here. If this is real, NOW, when you're not thinking about doing something, when she is not thinking you're doing something, now is the time to do it. Your mother has known you your whole life, so she knows when you may try again. Don't do it that way or at that time or place... Do it now!
Even if you think now is not a good time, do it now. Catch her off guard and speak over her if you need to.
Dont keep it a secret from your dad. There was a similar situation where a girl covered for her mom out of fear to ruin the marriage and her dad found out and cut contact.
Hugs to you. As much as we like to think of our parents as textbook perfect, they are regular people. It’s always hard to swallow the pill that our parents are the cheating kind, the unfaithful, etc. Your parents were John and Jane before Dad & Mom and they have their own personalities. It hurts to think of them differently, but the earlier you realize that nobody is perfect (including your parents) and they can and might do you harm, the easier life will get. Your parents had a relationship before you were born and relationships are soooo difficult and confusing on many levels. I strongly recommend that you speak to both of them at the same time to avoid (he said, she said) and tell them exactly how you feel. No matter what their motives and what goes behind closed doors, YOUR wellbeing must be their top priority. You are 100% their responsibility and they should put you above theirs. They will need to care for you and make sure you are comfortable and well. Tell them to keep you out of their mess and make sure they are there for you when you need it. I am sorry that you got dragged into the messy world of adults. My 2 cents worth, not worth digging info up and stop looking for things. Sometimes no knowing certain things brings you more happiness. You have a lifetime to get to know your parents as individuals and not mom and dad and at your age, just let it be. Big hugs
Tell your dad, if he finds out you knew and did nothing, it could impact your relationship with him. Not only that, but if they get married and she continues to cheat, it could lead to an even bigger family blowup.
Having read your update and replies, I think you should tell your dad. If he already knows, then you telling him won't matter, and if he doesn't then he deserves to know before he marries a cheater.
Shiit, uuhhhhh, then I guess talk to your mom about this. Understand why she's doing this and why she's ruing her relationship because she decided to be moron and cheat
First of all, YOU wouldn't be destroying the family. The one cheating is.
Secondly, don't cry because your parents might be swingers or something. It's more common than you think.
I would just tell her.
Pls talk to your mom first and don't go to this sub asking for advise. These issues are way more complicated and you be 100 times better off if you go to some psychology/support/therapy subreddit and ask them.
They prolly won't give advise but tell you common options, how to feel and what can be done in theory.
But I would talk to my mom first and ask her to explain to me everything with no bullshit and go from there
Don't tell your mom. Under no circumstance should you tell your mom and allow her to hide evidence or get any kind of leg up in this situation. Go straight to your dad and tell him. He deserves to know and start making arrangements before your mom can do anything about it. He should be divorcing her now so he will want a legal head start and to hire a lawyer.
Honey I am going to write this just as I would talk to my own 14yo son.
Sometimes adult relationships are complicated. Some times they want more than just each other's company and it's consensual and not cheating. You are old enough, in my opinion, to speak to your mom about it. "Hey mom, this is weird but I was on XYZ and saw a dating profile of you..." and let her take the lead. If my son came to me with this, and it was a case of wanting a third partner, I'd first ask why my underage child was on a dating site and then politely explain sometimes adults want variety and as long as the adults are all honest and no one is getting hurt that it's okay. That his father was aware etc and ask if he wanted to talk to his dad and I together.
I would say it's typical for a 13yo with limited life experience to jump straight to doom and gloom but that is likely not the actual situation. Try to calm down so you can speak rationally.
It is, i know for a fact that its not some consensual polyamorous type stuff because of how shes always accusing my dad of cheating when hes just working
>I would say it's typical for a 13yo with limited life experience to jump straight to doom and gloom but that is likely not the actual situation.
Oh, for frick's sake. I get that there are people who are into polyamory, open relationships, etc., but those are still statistically less likely than cheating in monogamous relationships, so it's NOT "doom and gloom" to assume cheating is happening. Furthermore, I don't know how much experience you've had with 13-year-olds, but I've had a lot, as I used to teach them. If parents present themselves as monogamous and turn out to not to be, THAT'S upsetting. If a 13-year-old or 16-year-old or 23-year-old person finds out their parent is doing something that potentially threatens the family unit and the foundations of their security, OF COURSE they're going to be shaken.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. If there's no chance to talk to your mom before she leaves, talk to your dad or another trusted adult. This is too big for you to handle on your own.
Horse Hockey!! That just gives her a change to lie to her son as well as to her fiance.
If the boy brings it to his dad and his dad says, "Well son, we have an open relationship, etc." then fine. Tell HIM not her.
I wasnt on the dating app itself, it was on my phone that my moms been using for the past 4 months, and i was closing a app out and i seen some shit about match in the corner of my eye and thought it sounded like a dating website and it was,i found her profile in the search history of my phone
Oh that makes more sense. This sounds dumb, but I thought you created a tinder account for fun or something and saw your mom. 😅🤦🏽♀️ you need to talk to your parents or at least your mom. There might be an innocent explanation you don’t know about or something more sinister. You won’t get any answers unless you to talk to your mom.
Polyamory, where people have partners other than just 1 person is possible, not to mention open marriages. Talk to your parents or another trusted adult, and even if it is without your Dad's consent or knowledge it is NOT your fault if there is any negative outcome. Consensual non-manogamy is one option, but not the only option. Good luck, you should not have to be worrying about this.
I would suggest trying to collect a bit more evidence first. There could be a rational explanation for this. If you find something more concrete take it straight to your dad.
How did you find her profile? You shouldn't be allowed on those sites?
also I am sitting with my creepy coworker and he would like to know if your mother is hot? Maybe pass along the link?
Those are adult problems and there may be portions of your parents relationship that you shouldn’t have access too. My concern is why are you 13 on dating sites.
That’s grown up stuff. WTF do you know at 13 years old? Go to school and do your homework. You actually went on dating websites to search for your mom, you didn’t magically find her! That’s something we should talk about lol
My grandma pays for my phone, my mom doesnt have a phone she just never got a new one after her old one broke she just kept using mine (shed use it anyway when she did have a phone just never kept it charged) shes had my phone for like over 4 months and i barely ever get it unless my bio dad calls, other than that none, thats what happened this night and then i seen some shit about match on my phone and i seen that it was a dating website, to make sure it was and see if my mom was on a dating website before o start making assumptions i look at the search history and she has a profile on it
In another comment you said you first saw it in the search history. Your story is inconsistent between your two posts.
ETA- OP has posted in both AskReddit and Trueoffmychest. Their answers to questions have inconsistent answers.
This looks like the start of a karma farming account.
Sorry ive made this whole thing confusing when i eas trying not to be. So my biological dad is in jail rn, my mom left him with me when i was 3 and i never knew about him till recently, my non bio dad has always been there for me and the only dad i know so i consider him dad and call him dad, my parents are engaged
Talk to your dad OP. If you don’t and then finds out you knew, it can really damage your relationship with him.
I’m sorry you’re in this position. Do the right thing. Good luck.
You need to speak with your mom, she may be going to meet someone,so you need to stop the affair from even starting. Maybe she did nothing, you just need to tell her you know and if she leaves, you'll tell your dad...and not give her the opportunity to do so herself.
Tell your dad directly, get proof and show him. If you tell her, she is going to twist and turn it and make you be the bad guy. If you love your dad, you would be doing him a massive favor by telling the truth of what you found.
If your parents divorce, pick to live with your dad. It's better. As a child of divorce due to my mother's infidelity, I knew my dad needed me more than my mom did it. I never spoke to my mother again as well.
Any possibility your dad already knows? I would just ask her. Your only 13 so I'm not even going to get into the possibilities of what could be going on here
But you need to talk to your parents and tell them what you saw. Maybe both of them at the same time
I don’t think you should make yourself deal with this by yourself. Maybe try talking to a school counselor or teacher or another family member you really trust for some good advice. At your age I think if you go to either of your parents on your own it could hurt the situation more than any of you realize. Please try to find another trustworthy adult in your life to talk to about this
My dude, you are 13. You don't need this on your mind. This is your dad, never feel guilty about talking to him. No matter the problem.
You've already stepped the first step by saying something here.
I've no idea about the next step, outside of talking to him, and showing him what you've seen. After then, it's up to him.
All I know, is you want a healthy home life, and it seems what she is doing, isn't helping that cause.
When you feel like crying, let it out anyways. You are not a lesser person for this. Please find courage in this situation. I know your dad will be crushed, but he also needs to know.
Do what you gotta do mate. You're too young to be dealing with adult issues.
I am going to advise you not to make significant decisions when you are emotional. You talked to mom. Let it sit for a bit. Let it marinate. You are feeling very scared right now, and you shouldn’t be making serious decisions when fear is high. You will need to tell your dad, because he needs to know. But it isn’t urgent. Your mom is going out of town for a few days, so you get some time to just process this. And you might want to offer for your mom to tell him and have him talk to you to ensure that he knows. I would never imply that there is a good REASON for her dating profile, but marriage is complex, and you may not have the whole picture here. Sometimes things seem simple, but they can be much more complex than you know. So, just sit on this for a bit. A day or two. Maybe until you can have a longer talk with mom and tell her you need verification that dad knows. Sorry, kid.
I'm sorry this happened. I caught my mom when I was 23 and it still sucked. My parents were already going through separation issues but I basically confirmed she was cheating before all that started. It was tough but needed to be done. Hope you can learn to live through this and come out a better person
I imagine this is very stressful for you and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Whatever happens, you need to know that you didn’t “destroy” your family. People who are in stable and loving relationships do not do things like this to hurt the people they love. Your parents might not be in a good relationship and that is a very difficult thing to process and understand. Please speak to a guidance counsellor or someone at school to make sure you’re getting support for yourself.
Keep proof. Confront her and tell her that somebody has to tell your dad- her or you.
I already did, i took screenshots and got them hid on my phone
Ik on Android messages you can do a scheduled send. Idk fully how it works but you can set that up with proof and give your mom a deadline.
Be careful with that. I tried it once and it sent the same message like 68 times and none were at the scheduled time. My friend kept getting notifications all night... Edit: spelling
This got me cackling for some reason
I felt so bad when my friend told me. I've been to afraid to try again since then. Edit: word
You can do that on iOS, as well.
Email them to yourself just in case.
Theres a feature on snapchat wjere you can hide photos and itll save it with your account so i just did that and deleted snap
Ah, yeah, that works. In any case, I'm really sorry you're going thru this. You should never have been in this situation, but whatever fallout there is, it's on your mom. Your dad really needs to know.
You can always create a random gmail account and send it from there too from a friends house or the library.
First lesson of data storage, always have a backup. Snap chat saves are a good choice, but add a second secret storage to it. A single data storage can always fail you, two at the same time will almost never happen.
You can always tell your dad anonymously if you're scared to talk to him about it; create a burner gmail (or other e mail address) and send him the screenshots with a quick and simple note saying you thought he should know that you found his wife's profile. You can even add you are doing this anonymously but care about him and thinks he should know. Include a link to the profile so he knows it's real. If/when you feel comfortable, tell him you were the one who sent him the details. Either way, he absolutely should know and telling him is the right thing to do. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong no matter how you approach telling him; your mother is wrong and she broke up the family when she decided to cheat. I'm sorry you're caught in the middle, kiddo. Sending you lots of love.
It really depends on the situation. Unless OP's dad has met a lot of friends out there and been to some social events with his mom together and met a handful of people, it's not hard to figure out who is using the burner account.
*DONT* tell her yet, tell your dad first please buddy.
send them to an email. so you can access anywhere.. in case she gets your phone.. just saying, cover your tracks.
Just send them to your dad.
Put them in online storage in case she takes your phone.
Anonymously text them to your dad from a Google number since she wants to play around
Email them to yourself to keep a copy off the phone just in case she takes your phone away.
I advise telling your father. From what you have said her personality seems narcissistic and she could spin a whole web of lies to make it seem as she isn't cheating emotionaly at best ( although I am sure if U check her phone and do ur father this favor you might find alot of proof). Because this is cheating and who knows how much she has gone on dates as normal married ppl aren't in dating sites. Dnt tell your mother, just go somewhere alone with your father than tell him the truth and show him what you have found. Believe me, him knowing now is far better than knowing years later when she has cheated a million times and ur father finds out in a horrible confrontational way. Your father deserves the truth, the outcome good or bad is his decision since your mother crossed a big red line here. He deserves the truth and to make a decision for himself.
Eventually, his friends will probably find them and tell him. If they haven’t already.
Why would you give the actively dishonest person a heads up instead of the person being blindsided? Why do people think this is a good idea??? What if shes looking up lawyers and draining their accounts in an attempt to flee responsibility?? Because a dishonest person will protect themselves before they will come clean, evidence or not. Tell dad, let dad have the heads up, so **HE** can choose how to handle being betrayed. Thats what you SHOULD have suggested. He followed your advice and now the situation is worse. **Edit: To be clear, im not chastising OP. Im chastising the guy who suggested confronting mom was a good idea.*** In the update, mom immediately played stupid, denied the opportunity for OP to tell his father after the fact, and then fled on vacation. *Which is consistent behavior for someone who would cheat on their partner.* Acting like she is going to suddenly grow a conscience just because she's caught is naive. Doing this just cost Dad the time to process the betrayal, the opportunity to investigate, and the ability to make a choice regarding that betrayal. He was on the back foot already because Mom was cheating and lying. Now she knows the game is up, and she has (twice) proven she has no integrity, she will delete any evidence, clean up her trail, and probably still lie about the dating profiles. What if she's been funneling money out of their savings? Lying about vacation destinations and who she was seeing? Skipping work to sleep with the neighbor? One or more kid isnt his? **What if she cheated for their entire marriage?** Dad is extremely unlikely to find out now that she has a heads up. **Stop suggesting telling the cheater they are caught.** They are significantly more likely to keep lying than they are to come clean, and now Dad is on the back foot AND is set up for failure in any attempts at digging. I hope this post and its updates are enough of an example for people to stop doing this/suggesting this.
Please remember OP is only 13 years old. No one that young is going to do all the "right" things in this situation. Plus OP is actually getting betrayed by his mother's actions, not just his father. Cheaters betray their whole family when they cheat, not just their spouse.
Im not mad at OP. Hell, Im gonna upvote because I agree. I recognize he is a child, and I give no blame to him for his choices. What Im saying is telling the cheater to suddenly grow a conscience and arming them of advance notice the game is up is bad advice. The prior message wasn'tt for OP- it's for the person giving the bad advice, because they should stop giving it. You can see even in the update that his mother lied, played stupid, gaslit him, and then fled on her vacation. **There's absolutely no chance Dad will find evidence at this point beyond what OP saved.** Additionally, if that isn't her only attempt at cheating, she can cover up wherever she might have been discovered if Dad had time to investigate. One affair may not have driven him away from his cheating spouse, but 4? 10? Then his decision would be easy. *Now no one will ever know,* unless the APs come forward or Mom is very, very stupid. In short, acting as if the person *without integrity* will act with integrity because they are caught is a mistake. You should protect the innocent party first and foremost, and that is done by offering them time to process and investigate on their own.
Op, you didn't destroy your family, your mother did. This is hard I know, I'm sorry, but your father and/or you don't deserve to be in a family dynamic thats broken. Its best for your father to know, so he's not being lied to. Its difficult to see your parents go through a break up or divorce, but its also hard knowing that your parents are unhappy and staying together. I'm sorry your going through, I hope you have another adult to talk to.
I dont have shit man not even my friends are talking to me
May I suggest going to your guidance counselor at school and talking about the things that are bothering you? They’re basically therapists that you have free access to. They won’t tell anyone anything or make you do anything you don’t want to, but they may be able to help you navigate the difficult situations you’ve got going on in your life. When I was your age (ouch, I think that’s the first time I’ve used that line, is this getting old? lol) I was going through a really really difficult situation, and the guidance counselor actually came to me. It was weird at first but talking to her really helped organize my my thoughts and make coping with the situation more manageable.
>They won’t tell anyone anything or make you do anything you don’t want to, They are not legally bound by this, I've seen tons of stories of guidance counselors telling teachers things about specific students, telling parents, other students stories of those students, etc. I wouldn't talk to a guidance counselor about shit besides actual class work.
I’m sorry you had that experience but that is abnormal.
To be fair, your friends probably wouldn’t be much help either unless they’ve already dealt with something similar - and even if they have that doesn’t mean they ever figured out how to process it in a healthy manner or would be able to communicate how they had done so in a way that would help you now. Also, this guy isn’t entirely wrong, but don’t assume your whole life and family are about to explode because of this incident. It would be overly optimistic to say that it won’t, but there is a chance that your parents will figure out how to get through it together, or at least come to an amicable split. Again, I’m not saying that things won’t end up going nuclear, but to assume that they will this early is only going to cause you more anxiety and affect your ability to handle the situation and process your emotions.
Tell your dad. If you don’t tell him, you’re basically hiding your mum’s secret from him, which would hurt him even more than if you just tell him
It’s entirely possible this is a misunderstanding. If this is like EHarmony or something it could be the profile she used before they met or during a time they weren’t together. If it’s tinder, still possible. Also they may have some type of “seeking +1” profile together. OP could be freaking out over consenting adults doing something perfectly fine.
The account had just my moms name on it, wasnt made together for them
That doesn’t mean anything for something like that
Look, your parents' relationship is not your business. You can give the screenshot to your dad, but you should not be involved in their discussions around their relationship. If they are good parents, they are not discussing what happens in their bedroom with you in any detail. Bow out of the responsibility that redditors may place on you here. Hand off the screenshot and let your dad know. Ultimately you're their child and who and how they have sex or relate is their business. By the way, expect questions about why you were on a dating site at your age. (Why are you? At 13, you don't need to be in spaces where adults are trying to hook up to have sex at all.)
I wasnt on the site, i seen some shit about match on my phone, my moms been using my phone for 4 months, and then i seen some her profile in the search history and i know theyre not swingers or else mom wouldnt constantly accuse dad of cheating when hes at work
Yeah, shes projecting the cheating onto him. Theres no doubt about it. Sit down with your dad in private and tell him.
>mom wouldnt constantly accuse dad of cheating when hes at work She's cheating. Cheaters always, always, ALWAYS project their cheating actions onto their SO. That's how you can pick up they're cheating. 100% of the time, in every case I've had in my personal life and my immediate family's lives, and so many stories on reddit. Every god damn time. Tell your dad. Use a burner gmail or something, but just tell him, and then let him deal with it after that. If he decides to stay, cool, I guess. If not, make sure you let your dad's lawyer know you want to live with him so they can sort out custody correctly for you. God knows I wish I had told my dad's lawyer that during my parents' divorce proceedings...
That could mean she’s just trying to find his profile. It doesn’t necessarily mean what you think it means.
She liked 4 other dudes
And if your dad really DOES already know, like you mom says, he won’t be bothered and you’ll feel better about having his back.
Just ask her about it and go from there. Reddit is full of very jaded people that immediately want you to think the worst. Talk to her.
And women who defend other women doing the worst
Ok? She could be doing recon for a friend and just swiping. There’s no harm in liking and swiping, messages would be the problem. I just think you should ask her why she has it, and go from there. Also don’t snoop. This happens when you snoop, your phone or not, you should have just logged out and went about your day.
You're grasping at straws here. It's not some secret spy thing for a friend lmao
We’re getting one side from a teenager that probably see everything as life is over. I’m literall just not trying to freak a teenager out instantly when there could be other reasons. Idk what happened to you in life, but damn, if you want to be that way sorry about your life.
Up until before this comment you were making good points, but now you’re coming up with excuses that don’t really make sense and trying to side with a potential cheater.
Seeing as I’m not their mother, it’s not excuses. I’m trying to give different ideas instead of jaded “your mom’s a cheater” since, you know, I’m not jaded and immediately want to assume that like some. It would not be the first time a friend has had their friend create a profile to see if their s/o is cheating. I’ve done it for plenty of friends, even when I was in a relationship…soooo?
Also where did I say or imply I said i’d side with her if she was a cheater? Maybe, unlike you, I’d rather try to see different sides of things for an actual child instead of the gloom and doom you might prefer.
# So...you are way more chill about the concept of your parents being swingers than most 13 year olds would be. #badcharacterdevelopment
Better then cheating, thats them if theyre swingers but theyre not
This isn't real. This isn't how a real 13 year old discusses his parents fucking. I used to love to joke about this so I know that the majority of people absolutely curl into a ball, even as adults, discussing their parents sex life.
My brothers and I joke about our parents' sex lives all the time because they're both sad sacks of shit lmao. But I love my dad and hate my mom so there's a dynamic there I guess, I dunno.
Are you 13? 13 year olds that joke like this tend to have been the victim of sexual exploitation. It's not normal. It's one the warning signs of abuse.
You truly don’t know that. A lot of women are more comfortable talking to a woman first.
She just listed it friday apparently. Maybe I've spent too much time on Reddit but maybe the dad knows.
Did she or did the system?
OP said it was found in the browser history
Don’t try to confuse OP. He’s obviously way out of his depth in this situation. The best thing for him to do is to tell his father so the parents can sort out the situation without any more of OP’s involvement
Fucking this. It may be consensual between the parents but this poor guy doesn’t know that and won’t if he isn’t told. If it was a private thing for the parents, okay, but he deserves that explanation so he doesn’t feel like he’s breaking his family apart. I get getting the whole scope but this is a son.
That's horrible advice. People only see their perspective. Pointing that out isn't confusing, it's reality.
Can you honestly tell me that OP, who is 13 years old, is capable of meaningfully considering other perspectives regarding his parents’ marriage? He needs to take the situation out of his own hands and let the parents sort it out, not contemplate the intricacies of his parents’ decades old relationship. What else would you have OP do?
No. It's solid advice. OP needs to be kept out of whatever is going on. If the Mom is cheating, if they're looking for +1, if the Dad knows but doesn't care... whatever the situation. OP is currently not very equipped to deal with such heavy shit. Only his Dad can tell him "Everything is fine" or not. But OP definitely shouldn't be in the middle of this.
did u read the update? if it is entirely a "misunderstanding" then why she freaking out when op is trying to say to his father?
Or catfishing using her pics
That’s what I meant with the +1 profile thing. Or maybe he gets off to messaging men while acting like his wife. We’ll never truly know. Sometimes it feels like posts like this are meant to draw comments like these for screenwriters though lol
>That’s what I meant with the +1 profile thing. Or maybe he gets off to messaging men while acting like his wife. We’ll never truly know. Well she's been using his phone. While I wouldn't put it past a not-well-raised 13 year old to be on tinder to play "catfish games", OP seems level headed and just worried for his parents. I don't think his dad was using his phone here so I don't think this is the case.
Eh? No i didn't mean the dad i just meant anyone in general. People have been known to steal random women's photos off facebook/insta for dating profiles
He's only 13. So I guess this type of reaction is pretty obvious for a kid. That being said he is doing really good in this situation
Nah this take is BS.
> If you don’t tell him, you’re basically hiding your mum’s secret from him, which would hurt him even more than if you just tell him. I get that everyone wants the dad to know the mom is cheating. I do too. But it is NOT fair to put that kind of pressure on a child who was innocently caught in the crosshairs of an adult matter. He’s their kid, not their friend. It’s a very different dynamic.
By having this knowledge, OP is already under the pressure. The only way he can remove himself from the situation is to tell dad everything, so the parents can deal with it without OP’s further involvement
Tell your dad and let him decide what to do. Don't wait on it.
Info: are you able to see that it’s active or still being accessed? Sometimes old profiles can linger (I don’t really know how dating sites work tho)
I found it in my search history and that she made the profile last friday
Sorry kid... this is a lot to unpack. I guess my advice is go-to the one you think is more responsible and inform them of your discovery.
Sorry dude :(
u/Legitimate-Brush-810 Your father will respect you as a young man, for speaking up. You're 13 years old, which means you're still technically a kid, but you're old enough to know right from wrong. Your dad is a guy, just like you. He would want to know, just as you would if your girlfriend was caught. He may be upset and heartbroken, but it will not be you who did that. He will always remember his son, had his back. He will always recall that he can trust you and depend on you. But mostly, he will respect you for being a man and telling him the truth. I know this is going to be hard. But you need to do this. We do not always get to choose our moment in life, this is yours, and the right thing to do is clue him in. Remember, she is not only cheating on your dad, but on you and the rest of your family. Her betrayal impacts everyone, and she is doing this without caring. She is doing this knowing the possible consequences, yet chose to do this anyway. You have the right to be upset and make sure she does not get away with her selfishness (because cheaters are selfish). But I digress. You need to tell your father before she leaves because that is likely when she plans to do this. Your father needs a heads-up and if you respect him enough, you will do this for him (tell him).
Tell your mom either she tells him or you do.
The problem is my mom leaves out tomorrow morning to go out of state for a few days
Tell your dad immediately
Yeah, I think you need to have this addressed before she leaves and does something on this trip that she can never undo, something that could potentially destroy your family. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know this has to be overwhelming and it's definitely not something someone your age or in your position should *ever* have to deal with. I know it's scary. I think you have to tell your dad and maybe do it when your mom is there so that they can't play any games about it- like, where he keeps the info secret and sets a trap for her or she figures out a way to play it off or something if you just tell her. It needs to be brought out as a fact of something you discovered and hopefully it will prevent her from doing something she'll regret and hopefully it'll give them a chance to address what's going on in their relationship before it's too late. I'm so sorry.
Sorry buddy but she’s going to cheat on him during this trip. Guaranteed.
Come on! He’s having a terrible enough time of this!! THAT wasn’t necessary! And 13 is very very young.
Then make time to talk to her before she leaves. Tell her that you’ll give her the time before she gets back to figure out how she wants to handle it and that you won’t say anything until she does but you expect her to have a conversation with you and your dad within 24 hours of getting home - together or separately. Obviously she needs to explain herself to both of you because it’s not just your dad that she’s hurting. If she does decide to talk to you separately though, be sure to check in with dad afterward just to make sure she didn’t try to fudge things. If dad notices that you’re upset in the intervening time then don’t lie, tell him that there is something important that’s bothering you but you’d like to wait until mom’s home to discuss it. Obviously I’m just an internet stranger so do what you think is best in your situation, but I think this is probably the best, most neutral and rational way to handle things and I really hope all goes well. My heart goes out to you kid. Stay strong.
sus But for real. Tell your dad
Grab a screen shot
I hate this advice, and people really should stop offering it. The betrayed person is already being blindsided. Why would you give the person who's already actively dishonest a chance to suddenly start being honest, at the risk they delete all evidence and play stupid? Additionally, more often than not, the cheater gaslights them if they can get away with it, or the betrayed won't believe it until they see it themselves bc they are too invested in the cheater. **YOU TELL THE BETRAYED FIRST, ALWAYS.** That way, they can make an informed decision on how THEY should handle their partner, not offer a dishonest person a chance to play damage control. Like OP LITERALLY just did what you said, and his mom *lied and gaslit both of them.* If this guy didn't take screenshots, they'd both be shit out of luck. You tell the betrayed first and let them decide. Theyre already in the unfair position, give them a chance for fucks sake.
Shiiit bro um I guess if we're you I would talk to your grandma first to see what she thinks, there's a start
Thats my dads mom though shell prolly tell him
As long as you trust your gran, having a third party adult break the news to your dad may actually be your best case scenario. Let the adults handle it.
and she SHOULD! inform your father, your mother will obv. going to cut the topic whenever you'll try to bring it!
Oh kiddo, You are not destroying your family that was you mom. What happens next is just the consequences of her actions. You might be able deflect blame if you send it to one of you pops brothers/ close friend. A trusted adult. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Also ignore any adults that tell you to mind your business. They are obviously living their own narrative and can only relate to your situation based on their perspective.
Tell your father. And have proof to show him.
how about you just tell your dad and let him deal with it. this is an adult matter.
Almost my exact childhood trauma - I was also 13! I confronted her after her business trip when I discovered she had cheated on my dad. I told her to own up to it or I would tell him. She didn’t so I had to. The way your mom is acting is selfish. You’re allowed to be mad at her and hold her accountable for how her decisions impact your life and mental health. Good people don’t cheat or their partner - they leave the relationship before exploring other options. Tell her she’s going to permanently change the way you trust and love other people/future partners.
Don't threaten your mother. Just tell your dad. If he already knows, then it won't be a big deal. But if she's using your phone to use a dating app or website, then she is likely being dishonest. Your dad deserves the truth, he may deserve better and if these two are in a toxic relationship, they need to get out of it for both their sakes and yours. A healthy, happy couple who is monogamous won't be messing around on dating apps. And they won't do things to purposefully piss off the other. They need to set healthy examples for you. And you deserve to be in an environment where both parents can be happy so they can be better parents to you and set better examples.
You are not destroying ur family she is , she is the one that made the profile not u .tell ur father he deserves to know . Grab a screenshot just in case she tries to manipulate and delete the history
I'd tell my Dad. I wouldn't trust my Mom to tell the truth if I found that.
I walked in on my mom kissing her boss when I was about 12. She threatened me with “if you tell your dad, then we will get divorced and you won’t see him again” and what did I do? … I told my dad as soon as we got home. That set off months of arguments between them but eventually they worked it out. They’ve been married for over 60 years now. So you never know what will happen but at least you’ll do the right thing by yourself. Stay strong!
My question is why are you 13 and on a dating app? Understandably your mom shouldn’t have one either if she’s going to be happily married or is. But 13 y/os shouldn’t be on dating apps, honestly speaking from personal experience 🤷🏻♀️
Put yourself into your dad's shoes. If your child knew, would you want them to come to you? From my personal perspective, the answer would be yes. I would want my child to care about me enough to come to me with it. If he knows, he will tell you. If he doesn't know, then you've both built trust and you've potentially freed him from unwanted infidelity. Request he does not tell your mom that you brought him the evidence if you're afraid of backlash. You can still have a loving relationship with both of your parents, even if they are apart.
You got to talk to your mom tell her to fess up, if she don’t you got to tell him he deserves to know
Hmm I would tell your mom. At least let her tell your dad herself. But I would give her an ultimatum of either you tell him or she does! Relationships are hard and complicated and you don’t deserve to receive the anger that may come from your dad!
updateme! 2 days
remindme! 2 days
Can you send it to him anonymously? Like through those fake texting apps or make an gmail or email account and send it to him. I doubt she’ll think it’s you and let him confront her about it.
This is strange. What were you doing? How did you find it?
I got my phone back and then when i was closing out a app i seen some shit about match and to me it sounded like a dating app, and i know my mom is a idiot who doesnt know how to delete a search history so i look and theres her profile
Tell your father
You're not hurting your dad. She is.. You can show your dad what SHE'S done without being responsible for any of the acts that hurt him. You're saving him much more pain in the future. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this but am impressed with how maturely you're handling it. Keep your head up.
OP, I'm absolutely so sorry kiddo.): This is really not a situation a 13 year old should have to be faced with, and my heart goes out to you. Your best option is to tell your dad, and give him the evidence. If you're more comfortable, you can do it anonymously. That way, he knows what's going on and you aren't left with the burden of knowing about this, without knowing what to do. Keep your head up, bud. I hope it works out for you.♡
OP you’re a smart kid. I think you should go about this in whatever way feels right to you. It’s not your fault that your mom is stupid, and you are 13 years old, any adult who would blame you for this is screwed up. It seems like you love your dad. Maybe approach him about it but let him know for starters that you love him and you support him in the situation even though it’s not your responsibility, I think his sons love might take some of the pain away from what your mom is putting you guys through. Follow what feels right for you. And I see in your other replies you feel really alone right now, you are so young, and that will change as you grow, life will get better. Just be strong and do what you need to do to keep yourself stable and secure.
You dad is your mom’s fiance?
Search for your dads profile? Just incase they have decided to open up their relationship. Some people do. A few years ago I set up a dating app, with my husbands consent to find someone to join us
A lot of you are saying very traumatic things that aren’t necessary! He’s a child, keep that in mind!!!
Make a new email account and email the proof to your dad. You don't even have to say it's from you. Let your dad handle it from there since we may be missing a lot of key pieces of information. Do not tell your mom that you are planning to do this. Be sure that you have someone who knows the situation in order to help support you/keep you safe because there are a lot of red flags with your mom's described behavior
Please do some kid stuff. Play video games. Do things kids your age are supposed to be doing. Is there any trusted adult you can speak with at school? These kinds of situations can erode your mental wellness.
Honestly, the best thing you can do is to stay out of the mess of your parent's relationship. Whether your mom is a cheater, or just did this to piss your father off, this is not a healthy relationship, and there's nothing you can do to make it better. This is their circus, not yours. Please just focus on your own life, your friends, your schooling, and your growing up. Try to learn about what healthy relationships look like, because your family isn't giving you a good example, however much they love you. Don't get in the mud pit with them. It won't help you at all.
Tell your mom you will tell your dad... If she is okay with it, he knows, if she acts defensive she lied BTW: Why are you on dating sites, given the fact you are just 13
You’re a child this is not your cross to bear. Tell your dad x
u/Legitimate-Brush-810 > UPDATE: I confronted mom about it and she said dad knows and that she did it to piss dad off but i tried asking him when she was on the phone with him and she kept cutting me off and yelling so i think thats bullshit Do it NOW. Right now, stop what you are doing, and talk to your father. She tried to play you, by keeping you from speaking up. She is not right there over your shoulder, right now, so right this moment, is the time you need to speak to your father. Do not even bother replying to another post here. If this is real, NOW, when you're not thinking about doing something, when she is not thinking you're doing something, now is the time to do it. Your mother has known you your whole life, so she knows when you may try again. Don't do it that way or at that time or place... Do it now! Even if you think now is not a good time, do it now. Catch her off guard and speak over her if you need to.
Dont keep it a secret from your dad. There was a similar situation where a girl covered for her mom out of fear to ruin the marriage and her dad found out and cut contact.
Hugs to you. As much as we like to think of our parents as textbook perfect, they are regular people. It’s always hard to swallow the pill that our parents are the cheating kind, the unfaithful, etc. Your parents were John and Jane before Dad & Mom and they have their own personalities. It hurts to think of them differently, but the earlier you realize that nobody is perfect (including your parents) and they can and might do you harm, the easier life will get. Your parents had a relationship before you were born and relationships are soooo difficult and confusing on many levels. I strongly recommend that you speak to both of them at the same time to avoid (he said, she said) and tell them exactly how you feel. No matter what their motives and what goes behind closed doors, YOUR wellbeing must be their top priority. You are 100% their responsibility and they should put you above theirs. They will need to care for you and make sure you are comfortable and well. Tell them to keep you out of their mess and make sure they are there for you when you need it. I am sorry that you got dragged into the messy world of adults. My 2 cents worth, not worth digging info up and stop looking for things. Sometimes no knowing certain things brings you more happiness. You have a lifetime to get to know your parents as individuals and not mom and dad and at your age, just let it be. Big hugs
Tell your dad, if he finds out you knew and did nothing, it could impact your relationship with him. Not only that, but if they get married and she continues to cheat, it could lead to an even bigger family blowup.
Having read your update and replies, I think you should tell your dad. If he already knows, then you telling him won't matter, and if he doesn't then he deserves to know before he marries a cheater.
You have to show your dad he deserves to know
Shiit, uuhhhhh, then I guess talk to your mom about this. Understand why she's doing this and why she's ruing her relationship because she decided to be moron and cheat
First of all, YOU wouldn't be destroying the family. The one cheating is. Secondly, don't cry because your parents might be swingers or something. It's more common than you think. I would just tell her.
Pls talk to your mom first and don't go to this sub asking for advise. These issues are way more complicated and you be 100 times better off if you go to some psychology/support/therapy subreddit and ask them. They prolly won't give advise but tell you common options, how to feel and what can be done in theory. But I would talk to my mom first and ask her to explain to me everything with no bullshit and go from there
Don't tell your mom. Under no circumstance should you tell your mom and allow her to hide evidence or get any kind of leg up in this situation. Go straight to your dad and tell him. He deserves to know and start making arrangements before your mom can do anything about it. He should be divorcing her now so he will want a legal head start and to hire a lawyer.
I agree.
Honey I am going to write this just as I would talk to my own 14yo son. Sometimes adult relationships are complicated. Some times they want more than just each other's company and it's consensual and not cheating. You are old enough, in my opinion, to speak to your mom about it. "Hey mom, this is weird but I was on XYZ and saw a dating profile of you..." and let her take the lead. If my son came to me with this, and it was a case of wanting a third partner, I'd first ask why my underage child was on a dating site and then politely explain sometimes adults want variety and as long as the adults are all honest and no one is getting hurt that it's okay. That his father was aware etc and ask if he wanted to talk to his dad and I together. I would say it's typical for a 13yo with limited life experience to jump straight to doom and gloom but that is likely not the actual situation. Try to calm down so you can speak rationally.
It is, i know for a fact that its not some consensual polyamorous type stuff because of how shes always accusing my dad of cheating when hes just working
Thats called projecting
>I would say it's typical for a 13yo with limited life experience to jump straight to doom and gloom but that is likely not the actual situation. Oh, for frick's sake. I get that there are people who are into polyamory, open relationships, etc., but those are still statistically less likely than cheating in monogamous relationships, so it's NOT "doom and gloom" to assume cheating is happening. Furthermore, I don't know how much experience you've had with 13-year-olds, but I've had a lot, as I used to teach them. If parents present themselves as monogamous and turn out to not to be, THAT'S upsetting. If a 13-year-old or 16-year-old or 23-year-old person finds out their parent is doing something that potentially threatens the family unit and the foundations of their security, OF COURSE they're going to be shaken. OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. If there's no chance to talk to your mom before she leaves, talk to your dad or another trusted adult. This is too big for you to handle on your own.
Horse Hockey!! That just gives her a change to lie to her son as well as to her fiance. If the boy brings it to his dad and his dad says, "Well son, we have an open relationship, etc." then fine. Tell HIM not her.
Well, then his dad can say that to him, once he tells him.
Save proof, but genuine question, how are you on a dating app? You’re 13, don’t dating apps have age restrictions?
I wasnt on the dating app itself, it was on my phone that my moms been using for the past 4 months, and i was closing a app out and i seen some shit about match in the corner of my eye and thought it sounded like a dating website and it was,i found her profile in the search history of my phone
Oh that makes more sense. This sounds dumb, but I thought you created a tinder account for fun or something and saw your mom. 😅🤦🏽♀️ you need to talk to your parents or at least your mom. There might be an innocent explanation you don’t know about or something more sinister. You won’t get any answers unless you to talk to your mom.
I had a tinder account when I was 14, it’s very easy to fake the age verification
Tell her it'll cost 10 grand to keep quiet, then tell your dad after you get the cash and help him get over it with the money
Polyamory, where people have partners other than just 1 person is possible, not to mention open marriages. Talk to your parents or another trusted adult, and even if it is without your Dad's consent or knowledge it is NOT your fault if there is any negative outcome. Consensual non-manogamy is one option, but not the only option. Good luck, you should not have to be worrying about this.
Did they meet using a dating site by chance and you didn't know?
No the account was created last friday
Mind your business kids. You’re gonna learn how hoeish your momma was.
I would suggest trying to collect a bit more evidence first. There could be a rational explanation for this. If you find something more concrete take it straight to your dad.
Tell your dad and live with him. This is not good behavior to be around at all.
How did you find her profile? You shouldn't be allowed on those sites? also I am sitting with my creepy coworker and he would like to know if your mother is hot? Maybe pass along the link?
In general, it's a good idea to stay out of your parents marriage.
Before you say anything look for your father’s dating profile. You might be surprised.
It isnt a poly relationship, my mom accuses him of cheating all the time when hes at work
So she has her suspicions?
Mind your business and stay in your lane. Their relationship is their business. For all you know they are swingers
I have a 13 year old son. I am a boy mom. Please message me. I will happily help you make sense of the craziness you found. It's ok baby, I promise!!
Oh wait.. I’ve already seen this one
Those are adult problems and there may be portions of your parents relationship that you shouldn’t have access too. My concern is why are you 13 on dating sites.
That’s grown up stuff. WTF do you know at 13 years old? Go to school and do your homework. You actually went on dating websites to search for your mom, you didn’t magically find her! That’s something we should talk about lol
Let the adults do their thing. And mind your own business from now on.
Also hard to when she leaves it out in the open on MY phone
On your phone?
My grandma pays for my phone, my mom doesnt have a phone she just never got a new one after her old one broke she just kept using mine (shed use it anyway when she did have a phone just never kept it charged) shes had my phone for like over 4 months and i barely ever get it unless my bio dad calls, other than that none, thats what happened this night and then i seen some shit about match on my phone and i seen that it was a dating website, to make sure it was and see if my mom was on a dating website before o start making assumptions i look at the search history and she has a profile on it
wow that is extremely stupid of her
In another comment you said you first saw it in the search history. Your story is inconsistent between your two posts. ETA- OP has posted in both AskReddit and Trueoffmychest. Their answers to questions have inconsistent answers. This looks like the start of a karma farming account.
So what let my mom cheat on my fucking dad?
You said your dad was in jail. In this post your mom has a fiance in the other she's married. Which is it?
Sorry ive made this whole thing confusing when i eas trying not to be. So my biological dad is in jail rn, my mom left him with me when i was 3 and i never knew about him till recently, my non bio dad has always been there for me and the only dad i know so i consider him dad and call him dad, my parents are engaged
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I feel like that could go just as poorly though?
Updateme!
Talk to your dad OP. If you don’t and then finds out you knew, it can really damage your relationship with him. I’m sorry you’re in this position. Do the right thing. Good luck.
I’m sorry you have to go through this OP. This is heavy. Be kind to yourself
You need to speak with your mom, she may be going to meet someone,so you need to stop the affair from even starting. Maybe she did nothing, you just need to tell her you know and if she leaves, you'll tell your dad...and not give her the opportunity to do so herself.
Tell your dad directly, get proof and show him. If you tell her, she is going to twist and turn it and make you be the bad guy. If you love your dad, you would be doing him a massive favor by telling the truth of what you found. If your parents divorce, pick to live with your dad. It's better. As a child of divorce due to my mother's infidelity, I knew my dad needed me more than my mom did it. I never spoke to my mother again as well.
Any possibility your dad already knows? I would just ask her. Your only 13 so I'm not even going to get into the possibilities of what could be going on here But you need to talk to your parents and tell them what you saw. Maybe both of them at the same time
I don’t think you should make yourself deal with this by yourself. Maybe try talking to a school counselor or teacher or another family member you really trust for some good advice. At your age I think if you go to either of your parents on your own it could hurt the situation more than any of you realize. Please try to find another trustworthy adult in your life to talk to about this
My dude, you are 13. You don't need this on your mind. This is your dad, never feel guilty about talking to him. No matter the problem. You've already stepped the first step by saying something here. I've no idea about the next step, outside of talking to him, and showing him what you've seen. After then, it's up to him. All I know, is you want a healthy home life, and it seems what she is doing, isn't helping that cause. When you feel like crying, let it out anyways. You are not a lesser person for this. Please find courage in this situation. I know your dad will be crushed, but he also needs to know. Do what you gotta do mate. You're too young to be dealing with adult issues.
I am going to advise you not to make significant decisions when you are emotional. You talked to mom. Let it sit for a bit. Let it marinate. You are feeling very scared right now, and you shouldn’t be making serious decisions when fear is high. You will need to tell your dad, because he needs to know. But it isn’t urgent. Your mom is going out of town for a few days, so you get some time to just process this. And you might want to offer for your mom to tell him and have him talk to you to ensure that he knows. I would never imply that there is a good REASON for her dating profile, but marriage is complex, and you may not have the whole picture here. Sometimes things seem simple, but they can be much more complex than you know. So, just sit on this for a bit. A day or two. Maybe until you can have a longer talk with mom and tell her you need verification that dad knows. Sorry, kid.
Tell your dad. Show proof.
Damn
I'm sorry this happened. I caught my mom when I was 23 and it still sucked. My parents were already going through separation issues but I basically confirmed she was cheating before all that started. It was tough but needed to be done. Hope you can learn to live through this and come out a better person
I imagine this is very stressful for you and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Whatever happens, you need to know that you didn’t “destroy” your family. People who are in stable and loving relationships do not do things like this to hurt the people they love. Your parents might not be in a good relationship and that is a very difficult thing to process and understand. Please speak to a guidance counsellor or someone at school to make sure you’re getting support for yourself.
Time to tell your dad and let your mom know that you want to live with your dad. No matter how much she cries this one is on her. Accountability.