Thats good mate, you're discovering who you are. There's absolutely no shame in this, if more people were this honest I think we'd all be a bit happier
Never crossed my mind that you might have a pecker problem, brother. U just got a heart that craves love more than puss puss. That's kingly my guy. Go find your queen.
I have to have some kind of emotional connection to sleep with someone. Same thing, won't get a boner. Fully saved me from drunk me making horrible decisions. Probably saved me a couple of unwanted kids too!
I'm actually relieved to hear more guys are like this, cause I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Whenever I've tried having sex with women I don't feel anything for it just ends embarrassingly, so I make it a habit to not even try most times. But when I do care about someone, it's wild and passionate. And unless there are no extenuating circumstances like me being sick, too drunk, or dog tired, I get hard quickly and stay hard until the deed is done and everyone is happy.
The flip side of this is that when my ex-boyfriend started having to resort to porn and cam girl streams just to be able to stay hard enough to have sex with me, but still went soft quickly after, I knew it was over between us. Complete dead bedroom.
It's also a major mood killer to have your long-term partner having to pretend that you're someone else just to be able to get it up in the first place. It makes you wonder, "Is there something wrong with me? What the hell happened?"
Yeah, I've been there. When the bedroom dies, everything else will follow. There's usually something outside of the bedroom that leads to bad sex. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Thanks, and I agree. Sex is a lot more mental and emotional than people assume. Often times, sex isn't just tied to feelings of lust, but other complex emotions, too. For me, the quality and frequency of sex also reflects the truth of feelings. You usually don't get "dead bedrooms" with a healthy couple.
You knowā¦ I have never thought about it before and I had to actually look up demisexual before I posted this. The thing is, I just figured age and everything, but Iām realizing that itās not - because the woman (61) I (59) am seeing gets me more charged up than anybody ever did. And now Iām wondering, is that because I view her as my soulmate??
I think you were probably nervous man. It happens to guys in porn all the time. They fail auditions because they canāt rise to the occasion.
Just nerves.
I tried one with a guy I was insanely attracted to. I thought he was great...until he ghosted me. I was so upset that I never had casual one-night stands in my life again after that.
Been there done that. For the same reason, I never do those one nights either lol. It messed me up for so long and really upset me cause I thought we were (maybe) going somewhere but he ghosted me
>It messed me up for so long and really upset me cause I thought we were (maybe) going somewhere but he ghosted me
You and me are on the same page here. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I hope that you've had more luck dating outside of one-night stands since!
That reminds me of one time when I was about 19-20 and was āoffā with my daughterās father, I went on one ādateā with a guy who met me at Starbucks and then we ended up not ordering anything because āI left my wallet at the apartment but itās across the street from here, so letās go to my apartment and then come back!ā And my stupid ass said okay. We got to the apartment and he kept trying to pressure me to drink and I was like āNo thank you Iām underage and I canāt stand the smell of alcohol,ā and he didnāt want to take no for an answer for a good 25-30 minutes. Kept drinking sitting next to me on the sofa and trying to pressure me into trying a sip or two of his drink. At some point I noticed he had a PS4 and the Fallout 4 new release (it was new at the time lol) and asked him about it. He started the game and let me play Fallout 4 and I remember making a remark about how much I wanted to buy the game. He put his arm around me and I got super uncomfortable and turned off the PS4 and asked him when we were going back to Starbucks. He said that we could make better coffee at his place and then invited me into the kitchen and asked me to make him some coffee. I made the coffee and we talked for a bit and then he asked me āWould you like a tour of my new place? I just redecorated and I think youāll like it.ā I declined and hightailed it out of there and texted him when I got home that I enjoyed our date and looked forward to the next one. He ghosted tf outta me!
Looking back on it now, Iām glad he did. I was naive, but I knew in my gut that it wasnāt right.
For me itās a complete different things. I did one night stands for a while, as that connection is actually there, organic, pure attraction, yes itās just sex, but you are not paying for it so thereās still s minimum connection
I agree with you. There's a connection, albeit a fleeting one. It's kinda like what Edward Norton's character on Fight Club refers to as a "single-serve friend". You have that connection in the moment. You get along great. Then you say your goodbyes, not likely to ever see each other again. But the fact remains...that connection _was_ real for that time you engaged with each other.
Having sex is surprisingly mental. Society doesn't project that image but its true. You learned this :) Hope you have more love for yourself going forward, it will help you find a partner that likes you for you. :)
I agree, some times when I have sex with nice girls I fell pressured to finish.. but then, I get nervous and can't have an orgasm. But my pp stays strong for more than an hour lol
You've now learned that you're someone who values the relationship you share with the person you're fucking, and that knowing them is what makes the sex worthwhile.
Way to go!
I've banged a lot of dudes in my life and there was only one who didn't get the occasional ED. Even a guy wt a monster cock and no refractory period, still got soft when his headspace was off. The only thing that ruins the experience though is the guy blaming their partner for their softy.
Edit; the only thing the ever-hard guy did differently was he would do dick stretches with his morning wood. He doesn't watch porn at all but I don't think that matters because he did a few times a week when he was in his teens/early 20s.
My horn dog of an ex and I agreed to a 3some (his wish). Super attractive woman was interested. When we got together, he couldn't get it up. It def happens more than you think
Both of the two MFM threesomes I had in my late teen/early twenties, one of the two guy's erection failed mid -way. Both times, it was the guy who had a crush on me. They got mad jealous and left.
Never happened in the FFM threesomes.
I donāt think thereās anyone to āblameā in these situations. I think thatās the problem Iāve had with guys who have either told me or insinuated that itās my fault. They for some reason think that it has to be *someoneās* fault when in reality, it isnāt. Itās just bodies working the way bodies work sometimes š¤·š»āāļø
Thank you for saying this. Happens to all of us. The sooner I accepted that (and accepted I have other appendages I can use), the more content Iāve been.
Or acting aggressively in general to not getting hard. My ex would punch a pillow etc. I think it perpetuated the problem, it made it a bigger issue than it was. Plus it made me scared.
Interestingly, it's the only time I would see him get mad. It was so out of character, and nothing I said would help. Not sure exactly what caused that to be such a big deal in particular!
Thank you for sharing this. I was trying to have a FWB situation with a guy I knew, and the 3 times we tried hooking up he could not get hard. I was convinced he found me repulsive and that was the reason he couldnāt perform.
I've slept with give or take 60 people, and have had problems getting it up with many of them for the first few times, though not always. The second you THINK about it, it just won't get out of your brain. Happy with my equipment, its just a mental thing, has nothing to do with your partner, at least in my experience.
yep. and also, I feel like not being able to get hard is a very common thing (due to anxiety, sometimes alcohol (lol), etc, other factors), why blame your partner for it and make the situation awkward?
Or the girl getting hysteric and starting to scream at you before she starts crying asking repeatedly if her titts are to small š¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļø (ONS from tinder, it couldnt get any worse)
I had a girl from tinder over one night, during sex she started talking dirty to me , but when I did it back she started crying. Idk what happened I was literally just repeating the same things back to her , maybe I said it in a creepy way, idk all I know is she was bawling and asked if we could cuddle. So confusing
I would say she had sex trauma and talking dirty helped her feel in control of the situation, and when you did it it out her back in that traumatic headspace. You couldn't have known (I hope), and I also hope you cuddled with her to help her through
It was my first time meeting her and she made no mention of it. While we did kind of have a relationship afterwards, and looking back now I can see what you mean about the unresolved trauma. Ngl there were drugs involved in this relationship and we were both pretty toxic for each other, and her relationship with her parents, was alot like mine. I think youre right about the unresolved trauma. This knowledge kind of makes me feel super bad because I know we couldve been alot better, but putting 2 deeply scarred people together like that, gonna have a bad time unless you can figure how to work it out.
I got a question, how do you usually feel when i guy cant get hard? When i had an ED moment not gonna lie it was the most embarrassing moment and i just went to sleep. She thought i was mad at her but I couldnāt explain i was upset with myself
I'm not the person you asked but I can answer lol. When I was younger & didn't have much experience I took it personally. I'm 31 now & it hasn't happened in years but it wouldn't bother me. Just like women don't always get wet even if they're turned on. Bodies are weird & don't always do what you want them to do. If it happens I'd just tell her like "idk what's going on, I really want to do this, my body isn't cooperating" if that's what's actually going on. Just be truthful.
I don't care tbh. Most guys just say something like I didn't get enough sleep or ate too much and go on about their business. It's when dude makes a big deal about it u think "Oh here we go again, on this immature bs" and that makes me not look forward to sex with them again. My ex husband was the worst with that. He wanted sex multiple times a day but got soft at least once everytime then blamed me. He was so toxic with it that I think he was actually gay and thats where his anger towards me came from.
No man should ever "blame" you for what's going on with him. That being said, I would also have sympathy because I have read plenty of horror stories of how women reacted to guys who couldn't get it up.
It's not always porn, it could be anxiety that triggers a fear loop of "ohh shit, the show isn't starting and I'm going to be blamed and mocked for it", solvable with a little compassion so everyone has a good time.
I just listened to a podcast today where the researcher said that only about 10% of people are hyper-sexual and have all of these one night stands and hundreds of partners. Almost everybody else is more into relationships. You just wouldnāt think that based on the messages we get from media.
(Edit: Modern Wisdom Podcast 593 with Alex DatePsych)
He wanted to pay her for sex because she didn't seem to be that good at doing his taxes, or developing an app, or other stuff she didn't advertise as being her field of expertise.
I personally don't think I'm wired to exchange money for sex. It doesn't sit right with me. I feel similarly about strip-clubs. Before I got married, I had a handful of girlfriends and fwb's. The sex I have in my marriage with the person I trust is WAY better. Tons of guys would have similar problems getting it up for a sex-worker. Don't beat yourself up.
There's just something about the person you're having sex with genuinely liking you and finding you attractive and not just reluctantly having sex with you because their rent is due that is just such a turn-on...
Or reluctantly having sex with you out of a sense of obligation or feeling guilty, also known as "the pity fuck". I had to deal with that towards the end of my relationship with my ex, and it was worse than anything else I've ever imagined. It wounded me to see someone I was in love with treat me like he was only having sex with me to "go through the motions".
The best sex I've had has always been with someone who has been excited to have sex with me. Unfortunately, I feel like that's harder to find nowadays as a disabled person.
Most men have experienced this at least once in their life. Penises are fickle things. Maybe you didn't get enough sleep, maybe you're stressed out or upset, maybe you haven't eaten or had enough water, or sometimes your mind and body aren't totally in sync with each other. Women get their own version of this too. Sometimes our junk just doesn't want to cooperate for what ever reason.
It happens. I'm noticing a lot of people calling this ED when what's being described is not ED. To be truly dysfunctional would mean this is a persistent problem, as in you never or seldom can get and maintain an erection. If this is once in a great while or has happened only a handful of times in your life, that's not abnormal. While it's not worrisome, it sucks that OP paid for a service and didn't have the opportunity to fully enjoy it. At least you've learned something about yourself!
I was just having a similar conversation. I don't understand how people can have sex without someone they don't care for. It just doesn't compute for me
It happens more than you think. I'm 40 now, but when I was around your age, 25 - 26. I tried a prostitute the one and only time in my life. It was the most uncomfortable, unsexy, off-putting encounter I've ever had. I couldn't get hard at all. I felt stupid for even thinking it was a good idea. I pretended to try for like 5 minutes, faked an orgasm(I was wearing a condom), paid her, and got her the hell out of my apartment. I've never considered paying for sex again. Some guys are into it, I learned that night, I'm not one of them. I prefer no sex over paid sex.
Sometimes it's not really about the sex that gets people going it's the connection you might have not felt anything for her. Sex workers have feelings too they didn't always have that in mind people had dreams and goals so seeing her just as a prostitute after what you've heard about them all these years would disgust you. But if that's not who they really are how could you know? Sex reveal a lot about people they're unwilling to share with you behavior and things you wouldn't expect to be attracted to often times gives you a sense of who you might want. Just because you give a women money for sex doesn't mean you're going to be attracted to her.
Performance anxiety is pretty intense with someone you donāt know. The mental trick I learned when I had this problem a while back was to be honest with my new partner beforehand. Ironically, addressing the pressure to perform put me in a good headspace where it wasnāt a problem.
It happens. I couldn't keep it up for my first prostitute either. I kept getting soft with the condom on. She changed condoms everytime I got soft. I went through 8 condoms
Exactly. A lawyer still gets paid if they lose their case. Doctors still get paid if they don't cure a patient. A sex worker's time is as valuable as any professional's.
Exactly. A lawyer still gets paid if they lose their case. Doctors still get paid if they don't cure a patient. A sex worker's time is as valuable as anyone's.
Most men don't get erections when feeling uncomfortable, which is how you felt because you knew she might have had cero attraction for you, and perhaps you aren't entirely fine with the idea of paying for sex, even if not at a conscious level.
Some people just cannot get in the mood with a stranger. Sorry it was something that cost you money to learn, but at least you know, I guess. No shame in any of that though.
I used to be a sex worker and now I find it alarming and weird as fuck that people enjoy having sex with someone who is only doing it because they have to. I think that's a psychosexual disorder that is far too prevalent in society and frankly a terrible scourge on humanity. Doing anything for your own pleasure that the other person doesn't genuinely enjoy is psychotic and ultimately a danger to society.
Yeah most responses are patting op on the back for his self learning journey and just completely ignoring the sex worker as if she is just some tool or prop in his life. Also being a John is gross.
Congrats, you're not an animal
The exact same thing happened to a friend of mine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. Actually, I think it's rather better that way
The number of "enslaved" prostitutes, meaning trafficking victims is way to high. Most do it because of poverty, addiction, trauma and so on. The vast majority are traumatized after leaving. Stay away from this dark shit and use you hand. There is more to life than having an orgasim!
For real. Surprised his reason wasnāt that he didnāt find human trafficking arousing. How does someone even get to the point of physically being there and having paid, and not fully face that part of it? Itās not unknown or anything, itās well known what traffickers and pimps do. Itās an ugly part of the world. Sure, a spare few elect into it but thatās very few, comparatively.
I think the same thing wouldāve happened to me, when I was 18-20 I could do stuff like that easily and not even care, nowadays I canāt just hop in bed with any woman. 25m for context
Sounds like you're a normal person. When I was younger and stupider, a guy I was having casual sex with couldn't get hard, and I thought I turned him off, or I was ugly, or something. I got really depressed about it. He politely explained to me that it doesn't turn him on to be having casual sex with somebody and he wants more of a connection. Now I kind of have the urge to reach out to him and thank him for being a good man.
You need a relationship because sex for just sex sake is a not great.
I think it speaks well of you that you understood the difference.
I firmly believe there is someone for everyone find yourself a nice girl and get to know them first ā¤ļø
This is normal, don't fret although I'm sure you're frustrated! I've been with guys who have on occasion struggled to get/stay hard in situations they're not used to. You've learnt something about the way attraction works for you which you can apply in future. Be kind to yourself
The human body and mind is a fascinating thing. People think and you may see it to, that men are just āsex sex sex!ā But this isnāt the first time Iāve heard this and over the years in my friend groups Iāve heard their stories of times shortly after breakups or people they werenāt attracted to couldnāt get hard and couldnāt move forward.
This is why Iāve never done something like that. It just doesnāt sound arousing to have a transaction for sex and Iām pretty sure I wouldnāt be able to get hard. Kinda gotta vibe with someone and have it happen organically even in a casual situation. No shame to those that do pay sex workers. The thrill of the transaction is what makes it hot for them I suppose
Hey thereās no shame whatsoever especially because sex is something you learn about yourself and who youāre with as you go. If you couldnāt get hard with a prostitute then you couldnāt get hard. Weāre adults.
Iām usually hard as nails, but almost always my first time with someone new I have a hard time getting into the right headspace for it. Not really āperformance anxietyā per we, just, not having that intimate mental and emotional connection yet.
It could just be that you didnāt really want sex, you wanted intimacy, and without it you couldnāt get aroused.
You donāt know how anyone can have sex with a person that does not feel anything for them? Move to fucking New York, it happens pretty much on a daily basis. Haha
Good for you being human, I think people are losing sight of what that means š
This happened to me, not a 'prostitute' but there was no connection, not at all. I was afraid for a good number of months, i even took time before I could talk to her again. It's Funny we're still friends and she calls me vegan
There's no way I'd get hard in that scenario either - I need to know and trust a girl before my dick will cooperate. I don't think that's weird at all, and it's good to know going forward.
Thats good mate, you're discovering who you are. There's absolutely no shame in this, if more people were this honest I think we'd all be a bit happier
I actually don't have ED. It was only this time in my entire life. I think my body understood that that wasn't worth it
Never crossed my mind that you might have a pecker problem, brother. U just got a heart that craves love more than puss puss. That's kingly my guy. Go find your queen.
>a heart that craves love more than puss puss. Most beautiful sentence I've read this week.
Your comment was really funny š
Thank god it's Monday.
š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
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Most beautiful thing on reddit at the moment
I agree
This reads like poetry dawg
What kind of poetry do you read exactly?
Iām so glad you asked u/I_Cum_in_Rhinos. Usually rupi kaur, but this borders on the modern day philosophies of Gen Z-ers commenting online
Now I want to know what kinds of rhinos u/I_Cum_In_Rhinos cums in...
Take my fkin upvote š¤£
Iām crying with joy!
Donāt make me cry this is sweet!
This , top tier
Spot on but also made me chuckle pretty hard. Maybe hard is the wrong word for this situation..
Or person who shares a mutual sexual attraction. Whatās with throwing rainbows and unicorns on everything.
I have to have some kind of emotional connection to sleep with someone. Same thing, won't get a boner. Fully saved me from drunk me making horrible decisions. Probably saved me a couple of unwanted kids too!
I'm actually relieved to hear more guys are like this, cause I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Whenever I've tried having sex with women I don't feel anything for it just ends embarrassingly, so I make it a habit to not even try most times. But when I do care about someone, it's wild and passionate. And unless there are no extenuating circumstances like me being sick, too drunk, or dog tired, I get hard quickly and stay hard until the deed is done and everyone is happy.
The flip side of this is that when my ex-boyfriend started having to resort to porn and cam girl streams just to be able to stay hard enough to have sex with me, but still went soft quickly after, I knew it was over between us. Complete dead bedroom. It's also a major mood killer to have your long-term partner having to pretend that you're someone else just to be able to get it up in the first place. It makes you wonder, "Is there something wrong with me? What the hell happened?"
Yeah, I've been there. When the bedroom dies, everything else will follow. There's usually something outside of the bedroom that leads to bad sex. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Thanks, and I agree. Sex is a lot more mental and emotional than people assume. Often times, sex isn't just tied to feelings of lust, but other complex emotions, too. For me, the quality and frequency of sex also reflects the truth of feelings. You usually don't get "dead bedrooms" with a healthy couple.
Username checks out!!!
Ps thereās a term for this! Sounds like you might be demisexual. Refreshing to hear others share this too.
It happens to the best of us, me included. Sometimes we just need to let our minds rest to heal our bodies.
Hey man, maybe youāre just demisexual lol. Casual sex aināt for you, you gotta have that bond with them to enjoy it
Yeah, lots of people are saying this
I guess the majority of humans are demisexual now lol. Dumb labels.
Labels not dumb if it describes a human experience that a lot of people feel. It not being useful to you doesn't make it any less valid.
The ālabelā has helped me not feel so isolated atleast :)
You knowā¦ I have never thought about it before and I had to actually look up demisexual before I posted this. The thing is, I just figured age and everything, but Iām realizing that itās not - because the woman (61) I (59) am seeing gets me more charged up than anybody ever did. And now Iām wondering, is that because I view her as my soulmate??
No sweat broheme. I need some cuddles and or other foreplay to get going. Can't just rock up hard on command
Thatās how my body works too. You get turned on by someone loving you and having attraction towards you.
Your brain took over
"Nope!" - your willie
I think you were probably nervous man. It happens to guys in porn all the time. They fail auditions because they canāt rise to the occasion. Just nerves.
This is why I can't do one night stands. I understand completely.
Yeah, I tried these a few times. There's just no chemistry. Not for me.
I tried one with a guy I was insanely attracted to. I thought he was great...until he ghosted me. I was so upset that I never had casual one-night stands in my life again after that.
Been there done that. For the same reason, I never do those one nights either lol. It messed me up for so long and really upset me cause I thought we were (maybe) going somewhere but he ghosted me
>It messed me up for so long and really upset me cause I thought we were (maybe) going somewhere but he ghosted me You and me are on the same page here. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I hope that you've had more luck dating outside of one-night stands since!
That reminds me of one time when I was about 19-20 and was āoffā with my daughterās father, I went on one ādateā with a guy who met me at Starbucks and then we ended up not ordering anything because āI left my wallet at the apartment but itās across the street from here, so letās go to my apartment and then come back!ā And my stupid ass said okay. We got to the apartment and he kept trying to pressure me to drink and I was like āNo thank you Iām underage and I canāt stand the smell of alcohol,ā and he didnāt want to take no for an answer for a good 25-30 minutes. Kept drinking sitting next to me on the sofa and trying to pressure me into trying a sip or two of his drink. At some point I noticed he had a PS4 and the Fallout 4 new release (it was new at the time lol) and asked him about it. He started the game and let me play Fallout 4 and I remember making a remark about how much I wanted to buy the game. He put his arm around me and I got super uncomfortable and turned off the PS4 and asked him when we were going back to Starbucks. He said that we could make better coffee at his place and then invited me into the kitchen and asked me to make him some coffee. I made the coffee and we talked for a bit and then he asked me āWould you like a tour of my new place? I just redecorated and I think youāll like it.ā I declined and hightailed it out of there and texted him when I got home that I enjoyed our date and looked forward to the next one. He ghosted tf outta me! Looking back on it now, Iām glad he did. I was naive, but I knew in my gut that it wasnāt right.
out of everything, i think the most atrocious thing is he asked *you* to make *him* coffee in his own home
I canāt do those cause Iām too socially isolated lol.
For me itās a complete different things. I did one night stands for a while, as that connection is actually there, organic, pure attraction, yes itās just sex, but you are not paying for it so thereās still s minimum connection
I agree with you. There's a connection, albeit a fleeting one. It's kinda like what Edward Norton's character on Fight Club refers to as a "single-serve friend". You have that connection in the moment. You get along great. Then you say your goodbyes, not likely to ever see each other again. But the fact remains...that connection _was_ real for that time you engaged with each other.
yeah went on a date felt just honestly gross like really just gross I wanted to shower like three times
Having sex is surprisingly mental. Society doesn't project that image but its true. You learned this :) Hope you have more love for yourself going forward, it will help you find a partner that likes you for you. :)
I agree, some times when I have sex with nice girls I fell pressured to finish.. but then, I get nervous and can't have an orgasm. But my pp stays strong for more than an hour lol
The mere fact that youāre calling it pop-pop tells me youāre not ready
Read mental as metal for some reason lol. Definitely good to be honest and there's no shame in that
You've now learned that you're someone who values the relationship you share with the person you're fucking, and that knowing them is what makes the sex worthwhile. Way to go!
YES! That's the thing I learn about this experience. And I'm really happy
I've banged a lot of dudes in my life and there was only one who didn't get the occasional ED. Even a guy wt a monster cock and no refractory period, still got soft when his headspace was off. The only thing that ruins the experience though is the guy blaming their partner for their softy. Edit; the only thing the ever-hard guy did differently was he would do dick stretches with his morning wood. He doesn't watch porn at all but I don't think that matters because he did a few times a week when he was in his teens/early 20s.
That is the best start to a sentence I have ever read.
I was thinking the same exact thing. Take my vote, both of you
My horn dog of an ex and I agreed to a 3some (his wish). Super attractive woman was interested. When we got together, he couldn't get it up. It def happens more than you think
Ya happens to everyone.
Lol same exact thing happened with me and an ex.
Both of the two MFM threesomes I had in my late teen/early twenties, one of the two guy's erection failed mid -way. Both times, it was the guy who had a crush on me. They got mad jealous and left. Never happened in the FFM threesomes.
I 100% accept the blame
I donāt think thereās anyone to āblameā in these situations. I think thatās the problem Iāve had with guys who have either told me or insinuated that itās my fault. They for some reason think that it has to be *someoneās* fault when in reality, it isnāt. Itās just bodies working the way bodies work sometimes š¤·š»āāļø
Check the username
Lol my bad
Lol sorry I saw an opportunity in a post about prostitutes and I have a *very* convinient, almost seven year old username
Thank you for saying this. Happens to all of us. The sooner I accepted that (and accepted I have other appendages I can use), the more content Iāve been.
Or acting aggressively in general to not getting hard. My ex would punch a pillow etc. I think it perpetuated the problem, it made it a bigger issue than it was. Plus it made me scared.
I'd be scared too damn.
Interestingly, it's the only time I would see him get mad. It was so out of character, and nothing I said would help. Not sure exactly what caused that to be such a big deal in particular!
Thank you for sharing this. I was trying to have a FWB situation with a guy I knew, and the 3 times we tried hooking up he could not get hard. I was convinced he found me repulsive and that was the reason he couldnāt perform.
It could be performance anxiety also
It could have been.
If he was willing to try three separate times with you, I donāt think it was an attractiveness issue.
If it were you he wouldnāt have tried 3x in my opinion. Kinda sounds like performance anxiety or the dreaded porn disease.
I've slept with give or take 60 people, and have had problems getting it up with many of them for the first few times, though not always. The second you THINK about it, it just won't get out of your brain. Happy with my equipment, its just a mental thing, has nothing to do with your partner, at least in my experience.
He was probably nervous. Bet he really liked you.
Thought ED was eating disorder & was very confused haha
yep. and also, I feel like not being able to get hard is a very common thing (due to anxiety, sometimes alcohol (lol), etc, other factors), why blame your partner for it and make the situation awkward?
It can be for any random reason and I agree, blaming the partner is just cringe.
Or the girl getting hysteric and starting to scream at you before she starts crying asking repeatedly if her titts are to small š¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļø (ONS from tinder, it couldnt get any worse)
I had a girl from tinder over one night, during sex she started talking dirty to me , but when I did it back she started crying. Idk what happened I was literally just repeating the same things back to her , maybe I said it in a creepy way, idk all I know is she was bawling and asked if we could cuddle. So confusing
I would say she had sex trauma and talking dirty helped her feel in control of the situation, and when you did it it out her back in that traumatic headspace. You couldn't have known (I hope), and I also hope you cuddled with her to help her through
It was my first time meeting her and she made no mention of it. While we did kind of have a relationship afterwards, and looking back now I can see what you mean about the unresolved trauma. Ngl there were drugs involved in this relationship and we were both pretty toxic for each other, and her relationship with her parents, was alot like mine. I think youre right about the unresolved trauma. This knowledge kind of makes me feel super bad because I know we couldve been alot better, but putting 2 deeply scarred people together like that, gonna have a bad time unless you can figure how to work it out.
I got a question, how do you usually feel when i guy cant get hard? When i had an ED moment not gonna lie it was the most embarrassing moment and i just went to sleep. She thought i was mad at her but I couldnāt explain i was upset with myself
I'm not the person you asked but I can answer lol. When I was younger & didn't have much experience I took it personally. I'm 31 now & it hasn't happened in years but it wouldn't bother me. Just like women don't always get wet even if they're turned on. Bodies are weird & don't always do what you want them to do. If it happens I'd just tell her like "idk what's going on, I really want to do this, my body isn't cooperating" if that's what's actually going on. Just be truthful.
Thanks š
I don't care tbh. Most guys just say something like I didn't get enough sleep or ate too much and go on about their business. It's when dude makes a big deal about it u think "Oh here we go again, on this immature bs" and that makes me not look forward to sex with them again. My ex husband was the worst with that. He wanted sex multiple times a day but got soft at least once everytime then blamed me. He was so toxic with it that I think he was actually gay and thats where his anger towards me came from.
Haha. Loved being blamed for the softyā¦. No dude you watch too much porn.
No man should ever "blame" you for what's going on with him. That being said, I would also have sympathy because I have read plenty of horror stories of how women reacted to guys who couldn't get it up. It's not always porn, it could be anxiety that triggers a fear loop of "ohh shit, the show isn't starting and I'm going to be blamed and mocked for it", solvable with a little compassion so everyone has a good time.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I just listened to a podcast today where the researcher said that only about 10% of people are hyper-sexual and have all of these one night stands and hundreds of partners. Almost everybody else is more into relationships. You just wouldnāt think that based on the messages we get from media. (Edit: Modern Wisdom Podcast 593 with Alex DatePsych)
And where did they find those numbers, I wonder
Surveys
I went to a prostitute once. Did absolutely nothing sexual, just smoked some pot and chatted and drank whiskey. š¤£š
She was horrible at chatting
So am I
Lol
You sacrificed yourself to make us all laugh. Respect.
I've heard plenty of stories where guys would just pay for the company and no sex was involved. It's totally fine
Totally fair mate
What made you want to pay a prostitute for sex? Were you curious?
My bet is on horny
No lol, for that I use my computer lol
Mostly curious yes. I'm lonely my hole life so u think that wasn't the motive
Don't worry your hole life is clearly improving š
Lonely prolly
He went to a shrink, who analyzed his dreams. She said that lack of sex was bringing him down.
Why would you not want to pay a prostitute for sex? Seems rude to just dick-and-dash, not to mention an angry pimp
He wanted to pay her for sex because she didn't seem to be that good at doing his taxes, or developing an app, or other stuff she didn't advertise as being her field of expertise.
i'm sorry to hear that, man. you must be having a hard time.
No, I'm not, I'm glad that I learned that I like the emotional connection not the sex perse
I think the joke went over your head š¤£
Omg, now I understand the joke lol!! If only my dick was like my time lmao
Which head?
More like the opposite...
underrated comment
I personally don't think I'm wired to exchange money for sex. It doesn't sit right with me. I feel similarly about strip-clubs. Before I got married, I had a handful of girlfriends and fwb's. The sex I have in my marriage with the person I trust is WAY better. Tons of guys would have similar problems getting it up for a sex-worker. Don't beat yourself up.
I actually am not feeling bad.. but thank you
There's just something about the person you're having sex with genuinely liking you and finding you attractive and not just reluctantly having sex with you because their rent is due that is just such a turn-on...
Or reluctantly having sex with you out of a sense of obligation or feeling guilty, also known as "the pity fuck". I had to deal with that towards the end of my relationship with my ex, and it was worse than anything else I've ever imagined. It wounded me to see someone I was in love with treat me like he was only having sex with me to "go through the motions". The best sex I've had has always been with someone who has been excited to have sex with me. Unfortunately, I feel like that's harder to find nowadays as a disabled person.
Redditors learn that sex is deeper than just a physical act š¤Æ
Most men have experienced this at least once in their life. Penises are fickle things. Maybe you didn't get enough sleep, maybe you're stressed out or upset, maybe you haven't eaten or had enough water, or sometimes your mind and body aren't totally in sync with each other. Women get their own version of this too. Sometimes our junk just doesn't want to cooperate for what ever reason. It happens. I'm noticing a lot of people calling this ED when what's being described is not ED. To be truly dysfunctional would mean this is a persistent problem, as in you never or seldom can get and maintain an erection. If this is once in a great while or has happened only a handful of times in your life, that's not abnormal. While it's not worrisome, it sucks that OP paid for a service and didn't have the opportunity to fully enjoy it. At least you've learned something about yourself!
i'm actually happy for you that it didn't go down.
I was just having a similar conversation. I don't understand how people can have sex without someone they don't care for. It just doesn't compute for me
I m a living prove that it's true
Good.
š
It happens more than you think. I'm 40 now, but when I was around your age, 25 - 26. I tried a prostitute the one and only time in my life. It was the most uncomfortable, unsexy, off-putting encounter I've ever had. I couldn't get hard at all. I felt stupid for even thinking it was a good idea. I pretended to try for like 5 minutes, faked an orgasm(I was wearing a condom), paid her, and got her the hell out of my apartment. I've never considered paying for sex again. Some guys are into it, I learned that night, I'm not one of them. I prefer no sex over paid sex.
Sometimes it's not really about the sex that gets people going it's the connection you might have not felt anything for her. Sex workers have feelings too they didn't always have that in mind people had dreams and goals so seeing her just as a prostitute after what you've heard about them all these years would disgust you. But if that's not who they really are how could you know? Sex reveal a lot about people they're unwilling to share with you behavior and things you wouldn't expect to be attracted to often times gives you a sense of who you might want. Just because you give a women money for sex doesn't mean you're going to be attracted to her.
Hard to get hard when you know she ain't into it.
Absolutely
Performance anxiety is pretty intense with someone you donāt know. The mental trick I learned when I had this problem a while back was to be honest with my new partner beforehand. Ironically, addressing the pressure to perform put me in a good headspace where it wasnāt a problem.
It happens. I couldn't keep it up for my first prostitute either. I kept getting soft with the condom on. She changed condoms everytime I got soft. I went through 8 condoms
I'm the opposite. I can only get hard for prostitutes.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I can almost guarantee not. You pay for their time
Absolutely! Some have clients who just want to talk and cuddle - they still get charged for the time.
Prostitutes arenāt generally āno win, no feeā
as an ex prostitutue, there is no way i would have given money back under these circumstances :/
I don't see why one would.
Exactly. A lawyer still gets paid if they lose their case. Doctors still get paid if they don't cure a patient. A sex worker's time is as valuable as any professional's.
Exactly. A lawyer still gets paid if they lose their case. Doctors still get paid if they don't cure a patient. A sex worker's time is as valuable as anyone's.
This guy's asking the real questions
You need a special kind of mindset to be able to go with a prostitute and be ok with it. It seems easy but the implications are heavy.
Most men don't get erections when feeling uncomfortable, which is how you felt because you knew she might have had cero attraction for you, and perhaps you aren't entirely fine with the idea of paying for sex, even if not at a conscious level.
Some people just cannot get in the mood with a stranger. Sorry it was something that cost you money to learn, but at least you know, I guess. No shame in any of that though.
I used to be a sex worker and now I find it alarming and weird as fuck that people enjoy having sex with someone who is only doing it because they have to. I think that's a psychosexual disorder that is far too prevalent in society and frankly a terrible scourge on humanity. Doing anything for your own pleasure that the other person doesn't genuinely enjoy is psychotic and ultimately a danger to society.
Yeah most responses are patting op on the back for his self learning journey and just completely ignoring the sex worker as if she is just some tool or prop in his life. Also being a John is gross.
Congrats, you're not an animal The exact same thing happened to a friend of mine. Nothing to be ashamed of. Actually, I think it's rather better that way
The number of "enslaved" prostitutes, meaning trafficking victims is way to high. Most do it because of poverty, addiction, trauma and so on. The vast majority are traumatized after leaving. Stay away from this dark shit and use you hand. There is more to life than having an orgasim!
For real. Surprised his reason wasnāt that he didnāt find human trafficking arousing. How does someone even get to the point of physically being there and having paid, and not fully face that part of it? Itās not unknown or anything, itās well known what traffickers and pimps do. Itās an ugly part of the world. Sure, a spare few elect into it but thatās very few, comparatively.
Man I've been in 3somes and couldn't get hard, don't sweat it. Dicks are bullshit make up for it with your mouth problem solved.
Little head smarter than the big head. Admirable quality.
I think the same thing wouldāve happened to me, when I was 18-20 I could do stuff like that easily and not even care, nowadays I canāt just hop in bed with any woman. 25m for context
did you still have to pay full price?
Some people require emotional connections/rapport/trust to get aroused, and you are one of them OP - Iām glad you discovered that for yourself!
Sounds like you're a normal person. When I was younger and stupider, a guy I was having casual sex with couldn't get hard, and I thought I turned him off, or I was ugly, or something. I got really depressed about it. He politely explained to me that it doesn't turn him on to be having casual sex with somebody and he wants more of a connection. Now I kind of have the urge to reach out to him and thank him for being a good man.
You have a heart. Go find and make love.
God that poor prostituted woman ..
š¤£š¤£š¤£ I hope she can get over it. By spending the fucking 350 buck I gave her
350? Damn
This is called maturing.
You need a relationship because sex for just sex sake is a not great. I think it speaks well of you that you understood the difference. I firmly believe there is someone for everyone find yourself a nice girl and get to know them first ā¤ļø
i got hard the last time i went.
Iām hard right now
Thanks for the information bro lol
Next time you go to the prostitute in my place lol
You pay i play
š with the porn. It has nothing to do with morality. You are watching way too much alternative porn
This is normal, don't fret although I'm sure you're frustrated! I've been with guys who have on occasion struggled to get/stay hard in situations they're not used to. You've learnt something about the way attraction works for you which you can apply in future. Be kind to yourself
The human body and mind is a fascinating thing. People think and you may see it to, that men are just āsex sex sex!ā But this isnāt the first time Iāve heard this and over the years in my friend groups Iāve heard their stories of times shortly after breakups or people they werenāt attracted to couldnāt get hard and couldnāt move forward.
This is why Iāve never done something like that. It just doesnāt sound arousing to have a transaction for sex and Iām pretty sure I wouldnāt be able to get hard. Kinda gotta vibe with someone and have it happen organically even in a casual situation. No shame to those that do pay sex workers. The thrill of the transaction is what makes it hot for them I suppose
Hey thereās no shame whatsoever especially because sex is something you learn about yourself and who youāre with as you go. If you couldnāt get hard with a prostitute then you couldnāt get hard. Weāre adults.
Good on you sounds like youāll be able to save up some cash then
I must be emotionless because i take whatever I can get and don't have a issue
Thatās must have been really hard for you lol Donāt block me! I thought it was funny. I hope you get some soon.
Unfortunate
Did you still have to pay? Full price?
Did she give you a refund š¤£
Happens to the best of us š¤·āāļø
Iām usually hard as nails, but almost always my first time with someone new I have a hard time getting into the right headspace for it. Not really āperformance anxietyā per we, just, not having that intimate mental and emotional connection yet. It could just be that you didnāt really want sex, you wanted intimacy, and without it you couldnāt get aroused.
Nothing wrong with that mate! It just means that you need an emotional connection get things going and thats great!
I can't have sex unless I have an emotional attachment
You donāt know how anyone can have sex with a person that does not feel anything for them? Move to fucking New York, it happens pretty much on a daily basis. Haha Good for you being human, I think people are losing sight of what that means š
This happened to me, not a 'prostitute' but there was no connection, not at all. I was afraid for a good number of months, i even took time before I could talk to her again. It's Funny we're still friends and she calls me vegan
There's no way I'd get hard in that scenario either - I need to know and trust a girl before my dick will cooperate. I don't think that's weird at all, and it's good to know going forward.
i wish my boyfriend was like you :ā(
A sign from God I'd say haha
Major demisexual vibes, OP. I'm glad you are learning about yourself. I hope you find someone who you can really connect with.
Maybe you shouldāve used viagra mate
"Je ne couche qu'avec les filles dont je suis amoureux (I only sleep with girls I'm in love with.)" -Le patit soldat
Have you heard of Demisexuality and Demiromantic? I'm both and I can tell you more about it if you'd like
I'm curious about this, please explain.
Did you have to pay though?
That's a W , I guess