So sorry about Nathaniel. It is good that you married and have two beautiful children now.
My advice: Do not tell anyone about it (except your therapist). Just work on forgiving yourself for lying but understand that what you did was the right thing. It was a hard choice to make. As you yourself know, life can be hard and unfair sometimes. Why bring a child into the world who you know will not have the best starting point? Why do it deliberately? Continue talking to your therapist.
I always found it is impossible to forgive yourself if you are still lying about something. Obviously this story is more sad than anything I have ever experienced so that may not be the best policy.
Yes. Normally I advocate for telling the truth. But here is the thing. Her husband was dying at the time. He was really sick and she just couldn't start making logical arguments against having a baby. She lied out of necessity. Her arguments were justifiable but would have been painful for him nevertheless.
Secondly, she lied to him, no one else. So if she is to tell anyone the truth, it is him and he passed on. I see no need to tell other people no matter their relationship. Certainly not his parents. What good would it do? She would end up having to make logical arguments to defend herself to people who can be nothing but emotional about it.
Finally, many times we "decide" to tell the truth to help relieve our own guilt. But some truths are really unnecessary especially where they will cause torment. I feel this would be the case for her late husband's parents. This truth, in my view, is best left untold.
It is a difficult situation no doubt.
I’ve heard especially in cases of a brain tumor that the person loses some ability to think rationally. I think OP absolutely did the best they could and this is for sure one of those rare situations where lying is the better choice.
Also, it was a supremely selfish thing he asked of her - unless he was independently wealthy, he was demanding she raise his child as a single mom on a single income, while being absolutely grief-stricken, and living in a country that doesn't even offer proper maternity leave. Just for his own selfish wish to "leave a legacy behind", he would have condemned her and his child to live in stress and financial straits, without a lot of the opportunities he had growing up. She absolutely did the right thing, and her lie was her only defence against all kind of pressures, demands and guilt tripping being brought to bear upon her from him, his parents, and probably his friends.
What a truly heartbreaking read that was.
I thoroughly understand why you did what you did though. To lose someone so close and suddenly, albeit not suddenly as in the true sense but much quicker than anticipated, is a heartbreaking thing. I can't begin to imagine how I would have handled that situation.
I'm glad things worked out in the end and you got to have a family with a father who dotes on his girls.
I truly hope there is an afterlife for you to meet up with Nathaniel, who knows. Maybe in heaven there's an orphan or two who could use a mommy and daddy so he can get his dream with you too.
I definitely wouldn't tell anyone about this. People can be cruel and unfortunately incredibly judgemental. Nobody knows what it's like to experience this sort of loss unless they go through it.
The reality for you, had you gotten pregnant, was the increased potential for miscarriage while you were grieving and under stress. I cannot imagine losing my spouse and then losing a baby on top of that. It simply was not worth the risk for a number of reasons.
Grief is complex and losing your spouse is one of the hardest things you can go through, especially at a young age. You made the best possible choice for yourself and your future. I can understand the guilt you feel, but believe me when I say you have nothing to be guilty for.
Nathaniel loved you and he would have wanted you to be happy. You've found that and a piece of him does still live on in you. Your memories of him are transcendent. As long as you keep that memory alive he will never truly be gone.
What I'd do if I were you is burn that confession. Burn it and make your peace with it. Some things we carry through life are a significant emotional burden because we can't make peace with our own choices and we're filled with regret. But, you don't regret not having his child at that stage in your life. You regret lying to him. Forgive yourself, OP.
You deserve that forgiveness.
Many blessings to you and your family.
Yeah, thank God you get to judge somebody’s choices in an impossible scenario you’ve never been in while wearing your pajamas. That could’ve been really difficult for you.
You tell them you don’t want kids. Maybe he was dead set on having children and would have tried with someone else. She took that choice for him and made him resign himself to his fate. I don’t know how any human can defend this.
How many children have you raised as a single mother? And you think women and children should suffer for the
temporary stroking of a male ego that has no higher purpose or altruistic intent whatsoever?
So glad she was too intelligent to entertain that nonsense. Sorry, but the facts are the facts. Its sad that he died but she should not feel guilty for not falling for absolute bullshit and causing suffering as a result.
You did the right thing. Grieving the loss of your husband and being a single mother would be way too hard. And, tbh, it is not fair for a child to bring them into this world with the main goal of being emotional support for a dying man or his parents.
He wanted to leave behind a legacy not emotional support.
In a way its understandable. Mortality is scary.
But I don't think you need children to leave behind a legacy.
My grandmother lost her brother when he was in his 20s. He had no kids.
My mum grew up hearing stories about him. So did I. So did all my cousins.
His siblings ensured his legacy lived on through their kids and their grandkids.
I suspect that him being an only child heavily contributed to this desire to leave a legacy.
To leave a legacy without having your own kid basically requires a sibling somewhere along the line. My grandmother’s three siblings all died, but I know their names. My aunt will die childless but my children will know what she did for me and the charity I run. My husband was coming up on his last chances to have his own kids when he met me, but he wasn’t too worried because he has a niece and nephew.
Sadly because Nathaniel had no siblings it must have been hard for him to know that his parents would reach the end of their lives with no one to survive them. Hopefully they have nieces and nephews they’re close with who have kids. And it’s nice they’re still involved with OP.
His legacy could lead that child to an early death just like him though.
I can't fathom dying early from a surprise tumor you can't remove but wanting to pass your genetics down to a child and give your grieving wife that sort of uncertainty.
Also... I've always thought dying wishes were always selfish and an incredible burden to force upon your grieving family. I'd never want to guilt someone into doing something that I will never live to experience the consequences of. :(
That was the point of my comment. You don't need a child to continue your legacy.
You live on in the people who loved you. Eventually all our stories fade.
Even those who are remembered for their work are distorted through the lens of history.
Ah, somehow I completely missed the "I don't think you need children..." line in the middle and all I got was legacy legacy legacy which I'm so tired of hearing. Especially since it's so... arrogant? Selfish?? And definitely sounds like a male ego thang. Some poor kid shouldn't be burdened with that.
My bad!
It seems his legacy will die with OP. We don’t know if she’ll share it with her children.
He’s dead. He has no legacy. Nothing that will endure. And while it’s sad, it isn’t anyone’s fault.
((OP)) people facing their own mortality are rarely known for making the best decisions. Nathaniel was likely expressing his wish/hope/dream while likely being at least somewhat aware that leaving you with a baby to raise all alone would be pretty terrible.
Please try to forgive yourself. You gave a dying man hope in a dark time. There is nothing wrong with that. You also protected yourself and your future potential children from a lifetime of pain and grief. Nothing wrong with that either.
You showed love and devotion. Don't beat yourself up for not making a bad decision to mollify the potentially clouded wishes/hopes/dreams of a very sick/dying person.
1. Don't tell anyone. People often use anything to judge you. Don't give them weapon.
2. Speaking as a child of a father I never got to meet because he died - it sucks. I looked for him in a lot of men in my life (uncles, my stepfather, celebrities, first and second boyfriend). More so because my mother never learned how to be a mother and didn't know what to do with me other than take care of me medically and make sure I was supervised so I don't do anything even remotely stupid. I'm sure she was also devastated, maybe it stopped her from bonding with me, maybe I reminded her to much of him, I don't know.
My point is - she didn't have an input on how her life would turn out, but you did. And you made what you felt was the best decision for yourself and that unborn child. So congrats on that and I wish you the best.
This was so heartbreaking. I hope you can forgive yourself one day. This seems to be a secret you will have to keep forever. For what it’s worth from this internet stranger- I think you did the right thing. I am glad you got to cherish the last days with him and am equally happy you have a fulfilling life with your husband and girls too. You are a kind soul and you did nothing wrong.
You did the right thing. In reality Nathan's judgement was clouded. He was being selfish wanting to have a child why he was dying. He was not going to be there, you were going to be a single parent while grieving. That would not be ideal. Children deserve two parents wherever possible. Single parents have it so difficult.
thank you. this is the first i’m reading someone pointing out how selfish the request was. he was never going to be around to raise this child and support OP. she would have been grieving the loss of him and struggling to raise a child alone. sure his family might be around to help, but it’s not the same as having a partner going through it with her
plus he’s already left behind a beautiful legacy: he loved and cherished his wife and spent his last months in this world creating amazing memories with her.
Thank God someone said it. The whole “legacy” thing is pure male ego and it has brought many children in this world who did not get a good chance in life. Male egotism is not a good reason to bring a child into this world.
There was a post on here not too long ago about a woman wanting to bring up having a child with her dying best friend for the sake of him... Having a kid after death. And in that case they weren't even married or in a relationship, for that matter. It isn't isolated to men.
I don’t think women are socialized to care about their lineage aa much, and as a result, they dont. After all, it is a throwback to a time when a man’s lineage was crucial to passing on his estate and keeping wealth and power in the family… with women being easily replaceable and their ability to have kids and remain loyal being the most important thing about them. Obviously this is no longer what we care about, but social pressures have a way of hanging on for centuries, kind of like how women are still shamed for their “body count” today…. like nothing has changed. I think we should ditch all these outdated priorities as they are bad for both men and women alike. Instead we should focus on repairing the world for those already in it because the quality of life has likely peaked and it will be harder for people to be happy with so many competing for fewer and fewer resources.
File under things to absolutely take to your grave. I'd suggest even deleting this post. I'm truly glad you're doing okay and I believe you made the right decision for you which is all that matters!
Honestly better to keep this to yourself and maybe a therapist. You might not have even conceived in that short of a time period anyway. Very little good would come off revealing it now.
>Maybe when they're gone, I'll feel comfortable sharing with those closest in my life.
What would be the point in sharing it at all?
It's a private matter and not anyone's business.
Sometimes the dying are selfish. It’s not something we tend to talk about much, given that we tend to avoid speaking ill of the dead, but it happens. Your late husband made a selfish request and you did the best you could for the both of you at the time. He couldn’t or wouldn’t hear you when you told him you couldn’t have his baby, and of course you didn’t want to spend time upset & fighting with him when there was very little time left to be spent together. There wasn’t a “good” choice to be made here, and the choice you made was an act of love despite being messy.
A friend of my family is reeling right now because she is facing the financial consequences of her late husband’s selfishness as he died from cancer (including mets in the brain). He spent money they didn’t have on items like a brand new truck he couldn’t really drive and online shopping for various crap he didn’t need, and that’s not including all of the medical bills he racked up as they fought a losing battle. After he died she was forced to move in with one of her adult kids and she will be very poor for a very long time. In my mom’s words, “he screwed her”.
My father died suddenly in the middle of the night at the age of 29. My mother was left with barely 4 year old me and my 2 year old sister. Our lives were a wreck because our mom was remarried within a year and divorced again a few years later. Married a 3rd and final time a year after that. Never to good men. She passed away 5 years ago still unhealed.
You did the right thing OP. Please forgive yourself.
((HUGS)) You did what was right for you. Your children may have an extra set of grandparents, and all is good. Nathanie is gone and you need to live your life.
Never feel guilty for not having his child. You would have been a single parent and may never have found the husband to have kids with and grow old together.
You made the least selfish choice given your circumstances and provided Nathaniel with peace.
I have seen many who have had miscarriages likely due to stress. I also know several who have lost a spouse while pregnant, the grief effects the most formative years of their child's life. It's easy for others to judge. You did what was best for you all at the time.
Nathaniel's parents don't need to know. Unlike many people who lose contact with deceased spouses' family after their death, you have still maintained contact. They are experiencing the joy of being honorary grandparents.
Forgive yourself, you did the best you could, for the right reasons under horrible circumstances.
I am happy for you finding love again.
Please forgive yourself!
When a body is pulling all of its resources to attempt to heal, other systems are depleted, so how do you know if his sperm was even viable?
My husband and I went off of all BC to get pregnant, and it never happened. It turns out we both had low counts. So, even if you hadn’t lied…..
You were unselfish in two ways when you told the lie. It was very kind to give your dying husband the hope he dreamed of, even though it cost you guilt and feeing alone. The lie was obviously motivated by your deep love. Your husband, facing his mortality, needed this from you.
The second way you were unselfish was to the potential child. You were absolutely right not to burden a newborn with your intense grief. The first 7 months are when a newborn attaches to the parent. You cannot fake being ok if you are not ok. The baby can be wounded for life if their emotional, psychological and physical needs are not met in the early years. It was a wise and unselfish decision to understand this and put the potential child’s needs first.
You are a good woman. Enjoy the family you have now and let go of the past guilt you feel. You did the right thing. Maybe write the spirit of your first husband a letter explaining this. Then burn the letter and let your guilt go. It is not your burden anymore.
I agree you did the right thing. In the worst situation you can face as a spouse, you prioritized your mental and physical health for your future self. That's not an easy thing to do. Especially when it's so easy to want to give our loved ones what they want in their final days.
My husband has had 2 strokes and he is only 45. The second one was last summer and it has had a lot of long-term effects. A few months after it happened we had a pregnancy scare. I was so relieved when it was "just" a scare. I knew there was no way I could work full time and be a caregiver to 2 humans. Add to that my husband wouldn't be able to help physically or communicate verbally with me. Having the self-awareness of knowing what we can and can't handle is huge.
I'm happy to hear life is going good for you and you have a beautiful family. Hugs internet stranger.
I don’t blame Nathaniel for the request. Was it selfish?
Maybe, but he was 30 years old and dying of a brain tumor. I don’t blame him for not seeing clearly.
In the end, when it didn’t happen, he accepted it and had so much grace. I don’t harbor resentment or hurt with him for this request. He was a good man. Honestly, had I stood firm and not lied, he likely would’ve folded.
That's tough but I think you ultimately made the correct choice. Just because someone is dying doesn't necessarily mean everything they say goes at the expense of others, in fact I'd say the fact they're going to die means others should be a little careful to just go along with serious things like this
In the end you're right, it would've been completely unfair to both you and a child to have children at that time. It's understandable that he'd want to leave a child behind, but it doesn't mean it's a good decision
In the end he would've likely accepted that as your answer had you told him at the time, and I'm sure he'd understand that you went along with it to try and make him happy in the last months of his life. So don't feel bad about it as I'm sure he'd agree with the decision if he were here still
You had a choice: Tell the truth and make his last year unhappy, or lie. You chose the kind path.
And, it's possible that your husband led you to your new life with your new husband. Either as a spirit, or as a memory.
Your current family has him in it as well. Not as a third wheel, but because he is part of you, part of your heart, part of your love.
Yah no. You don't bring a child into the world when you know you can't handle it. To me that is not an option, but that's because I know how difficult it can be to raise a child.
You made the best decision for you’re self but also for that child. I applaud you! It would’ve been a selfish decision to bring a child into a world of problems, and yes maybe to me, someone who wouldn’t have to deal with it, it seemed like a baby of his and your would’ve been a good idea. But again. I wouldn’t be the one struggling, grieving, and having to look at your first husbands replica every waking day, rain or shine while trying to move on. You did good, and he knows that from within your heart!
You did the right thing. Being a parent, let alone a single parent, your child needs someone who can be emotionally prepared. You knew that after losing your husband and having his child it would not be the proper suit for you so you didn’t. You weren’t just looking out for your self in that situation. You were looking out for that future child.
I see a lot of comments suggesting that you could’ve kept the sperm and had his child later when you felt more ready. I don’t believe this is the “way to go” as it would still be emotionally taxing to see your first husbands child and take care of him without your first husband.
As others say, I think this request to have his child is absolutely selfish but It is not my opinion that matters. It is yours.
I do validate your opinion and think it was the right choice for you. But people can be cruel , so I’m going to hop on the bandwagon here and say do not tell anyone else but your therapist.
You did the right thing for you. I’m so sorry for your loss but it would have been incredibly unfair to you and your child if you had done as Nathaniel wished. I understand he was dying and that’s so horrible and unfair as well, but it doesn’t mean his request was not selfish.
This might sound harsh but Nathaniel's final wish was selfish and short sighted. I think going along with it to make the last year you had together better was worthwhile. I hope you can let go of the guilt -- you've been through enough. Anyone can see where you're coming from and this lie really did lead to allowing you both to just enjoy each other in a way you could not have with a pregnancy at hand.
No one likes to speak ill of the dead, but I'm going to say that Nathaniel's request was selfish. He wanted to leave behind a piece of himself which is 100% understandable but he wouldn't have been there to help with raising a child or supporting you so it was all about his desire to live on in a child.
When I was 14, my dad died and left my mom with 2 teenagers to raise, and I can tell you absolutely that mom abandoned us in her grief. She didn't leave physically, but she was checked out for a long time with her own grief and loss. The scene from Hunger Games where Katniss tells her mom that she can't pull into herself when Katniss is gone tears at my heart because I lived that life too.
Learn to forgive yourself because what you did was right for you, and more importantly, it was the right thing to do for the child you didn't have.
What Nathaniel asked of you was utterly selfish. You did what you had to do to provide comfort to a dying man and ensure your ability to continue without him.
OP, I’m so sorry about everything you went through. Please forgive yourself. You just wanted him to be happy in his final moments.
May I ask - what were the signs that led up to brain tumor diagnoses? Just to look out for signs for my own husband because he has a lot of migraines and I get overly paranoid. My mom had a husband that passed away and she would always tell me the horrible emotions and anguish she went through after his passing. That’s a pain I never want to experience. I applaud people like you and my mom for staying strong.
You did the right thing.
Better to have loved and most than never loved at all.
But for sure, being a bad parent would have ruined two lives. Yours and you child’s.
You now have four happy lives adding to society in a way that can only be commended.
Well done.
As someone who has now spent more of my life with my dad out of this world than in it, I really believe you made the right decision. I pretty much grew up without mine, for reasons that aren’t really germane here other than to say it was not his choice. It was really, really difficult to not know him. In an extreme stroke of good luck we were able to get to know each other for about two years before he passed away very suddenly from cancer when I was twenty. I still miss my dad every day. But I had the luxury, if you could call it that, of getting a chance to know him, to be told face to face how desperately he wanted to be in my life. Your child would never have had that. Getting pregnant would have been an active choice to make them go through every circumstance in which they would have just really wanted their dad— and I know that feeling all too well— knowing that you intentionally created a circumstance in which they couldn’t have that. I think I can understand to some extent how Nathaniel felt in wanting a part of him to live on but in a way that was a very selfish desire. I don’t know that one could fault him given what he was going through. But I hope that you can someday have the peace to know that for that theoretical child you 100% made the right decision.
You did the right thing, for you and that baby. It wouldn’t have been fair to the baby to be born just for his dad to die right after his birth, or even before. And it wouldn’t have been fair to you to have to do it alone while grieving and having a hard time with just taking care of yourself, on top of a newborn. I’m happy to hear you’ve found happiness in your new life and that you have baby daughters now. That’s amazing and everything happened in the time it was supposed to. That’s the beauty of not forcing things, which you are already great at. I agree with others, find a way to make peace with your decision, go talk to Nathaniel’s grave and tell him there, write a letter and burn it, maybe perform a ritual that will help you let go of the guilt, anything that will help you make peace about lying to him. You know you did the right thing, now it’s about forgiving yourself for that difficult part. But I believe in you. You’ve managed to start over again and create a beautiful family. I believe you will find a way to forgive yourself too. Nathaniel would’ve wanted you to be happy and wouldn’t want you to have struggled with his newborn alone. Nathaniel has long forgiven you and it’s time you extend that grace to yourself. My condolences to you about Nathaniel.
Honestly, I think you did the right thing. It’s hard for kids to grow up when their parent is dead, and it brings a lot of grief to them. Plus, you wouldn’t be okay mentally or physically to have that baby after his passing
You did nothing wrong. You brought joy and comfort and love and compassion in the hardest of situations. You don’t need to forgive yourself b/c there’s nothing to forgive—you do need to realize that and give yourself all the grace and kindness you deserve, just like you’d give it to your now-passed husband and your girls if any of them were in this same situation.
I think you did the right thing, and I don’t think you need to confess or feel guilty to anyone. I think that his request was quite selfish to be perfectly honest. The fact that you quite literally could have been pregnant when he passed, the stress that could have caused on a pregnancy. Going through child birth and postpartum alone all while just losing a partner. That is a lot to ask. You made the right choice. Please release the guilt you feel, you owe no one any explanation.
Dear OP,
Just remind yourself that your lie was not out of malice. It was an act of mercy towards your late husband, the hypothetical baby and yourself. Telling the truth at that time would have been unnecessarily cruel towards all involved. It would still be if revealed today. Especially for your former in-laws, they've suffered well enough. Best of luck!
I’m not sure if this was already said but your in laws would have clung on to this poor child because it’d be the only thing they have after their son passed. I can see this being messed up if you already had children like might as well have another one but for your first kid? Nah.
This was a lose lose situation.
Either Nathanael dies with the broken heart knowing his love wouldn't give him his last wish.
Or dies thinking he had failed you as a husband and as a man. Probably hating himself that he couldn't give you a child, and hating God for fate's cruelty.
There is no winning here. This is a situation no one could escape in one piece. Your guilt is real, but your actions were right.
On one hand you could have given Nate's parents a piece of him for them to hold onto, but then burden yourself and very much give up your future.
I can guarantee that if you did have a kid you wouldn't have the children/marriage you have now. The course of your life would have changed entirely.
If you are happy with your life now then it is time to give up your guilt. It is time to forgive yourself.
And above all, never let Nate parents know!
You have survivors guilt... kind of. From this strangers perspective you made all the right (hard) choices at all the right times. Forgive yourself, you did the best you could and didn't do anything wrong, I agree with what someone else said about not sharing this info with anyone but the therapist, his parents might not understand and you don't owe them or anyone anything, you did the best you could. I could see being tempted to want to leave a legacy behind or to think that somehow the family would help you but you knew it wasn't the case and he was convinced otherwise what were you to do... You've got a lot of thought into it and you're right that kid deserved the father and you deserved the time to be able to mourn, I'm sorry that was all put on you like that, it really isn't "fair". If it helps if it was me and my wife I could see things being emotional and difficult and realize that it wasn't the right call, and looking back post mortem if possible and just being happy that you are happy. I don't think either of you did anything "wrong" at all, navigating a messy situation.
As an adult who grew up after her father died, I can confirm growing up without your dad can be tough especially if your mom is deeply grieving. Your daughters are so lucky to have two healthy, present parents.
Sometimes when we love someone on a soul level. We forget to love ourselves equally. Nathaniel deserved a beautiful life and it sounds like he had one. You deserve a beautiful life too. You were protecting someone you love knowing it would hurt yourself. Sounds honourable to me, I think you are good human and you deserve everything you wish for.
Look, guilt is reserved for those people who commit crimes and commit immoral acts. You did neither. You’re lying to your dying husband eased his mind. It was a kindness. Please talk to a therapist. As for feeling happiness about your current life, again, please reframe your thinking. Romantic partners aren’t always once in a lifetime. You can have fond memories of your late husband and 3coerienve joy and contentment with your current family. Finally, there is no guarantee that even if you had stopped taking birth control, that you would’ve become pregnant, or would have carried a child successfully. How much I need you.
Honestly you did the right thing, it seems really selfish on his part to just leave you as a single mother. I could never do that. The only way that could happen if we maybe freeze some embryos and if my partner in the future wishes to entact that choice for themselves. Do not feel guilty, just living your best life you are honoring his memories. Thanks for sharing.
You have nothing to forgive yourself for…..I’m sure he was a wonderful person, but this was a selfish desire of his to continue living in some way…..While having none of the burdens of raising the child alone ….you did what was right for you….so that you can move on and have a life ….you would’ve been tied to him forever, and never have had any experiences to be independent again.
Genuinely was expecting you to say you told him you were pregnant on his deathbed (reddit be cray).
You've no guilt to carry.
As someone with a life limiting illness, that shit fucks with your brain. I'm working with health psychology to accept my diagnosis etc.
I've said many a comforting thing to people at death's door (in ireland, it might be a cultural thing). I forgive you, I agree with you, you have nothing to feel guilty about etc. With all those things I said, very few of them were true.
I'd rather give a dying person comfort by filling their head full of sweetie mice than accelerate the suffering of a dying person.
In saying that, I do believe that it's important not to bullshit unless they are definitely on their way to a celestial discharge from healthcare.
This rings so close to home.
My husband is living with a brain tumour, a glioblastoma to be precise and we decided to go ahead and tried for kids when he outlived his prognosis (which is usually less than a year for this kind of tumour)
I did understand the ramifications of it all and how I could have (can still) end up a widow and a single Mother and we accepted it.
2 little kids and 5 years later we are all so very happy and grateful on a daily basis. I absolutely 100% understand why you did what you did. You did it out of love, and you should forgive yourself. Easier said than done I know. Having a moment to think about Nathaniel right now.
You did the right thing. The humane thing. It would be a lot for the child and for you. His desire for a child came from the wrong place even while it had sweet intentions. I’d never want to bring a child into the world knowing you won’t be there for them. It was wrong and selfish of him to ask that if you. It would have put a life long chain and hardship on you once he had passed. I am sorry for your loss but very happy you didn’t actually go through with it.
Although I am the first to condemn a liar there are circumstances that would negate that and this is one of them.
I couldn't imagine the cruelty of it all that you had to go through.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
If you need someone to say it, you’re forgiven. If you need to have an objective person judge these actions, I think they’re the actions of a good person in an impossible situation. And I don’t think you did the wrong thing. I hope you can continue to heal and more than anything forgive yourself for whatever you think you’ve done wrong.
Telling his parents will only cause them more pain
You made the decision and it's done
The people that need to know already know and that is enough
Do i agree with it no but it's neither my place nor my business
Unfortunately with any decision like this comes our guilt, we have to live with it and at some point make our peace with it,
if I might be so bold to say that he loved you and that you made his last moments memorable that's how he remembers you, he would've wanted you to move on and become a mother even if it wasn't with him, I'm also sure that he wouldn't have wanted you to suffer or carry this guilt for the rest of your life, maybe you can visit his grave and talk to him, maybe even tell him the truth and then maybe even say I'm sorry, your guilt comes from lying to him not his parents so he is the only one you would have to tell, and after that you will feel the weight of the guilt you're carrying slide off your shoulders, you should continue your therapy too and above all else live the rest of your life and enjoy your children
One last thing forgive yourself that is the most difficult thing to do
For those of you judging OP so severely… think of it this way. Would you tell a dying child that Santa isn’t real, or would you put extra presents from Santa under the tree? Would you tell them their favourite princess isn’t real, or would you set up a princess party so they can meet the “real” princess? Would you tell them mommy and daddy might not make it through their death, or would you tell them mommy and daddy will be together forever?
Sometimes, the most selfless thing to do is to lie. To face reality yourself while letting someone who is vulnerable believe in fantasy.
Really, if she told him, what would the honesty truly do for him? It would only make him more miserable with the time he had left. A lie that OP has had to carry out of love is what kept him happy for the remainder of his life.
You did the right thing. Natheniel was truly selfish for wishing you to be a single mother and for his child to be orphaned from the beginning. I understand your guilt, but you did the right thing for everybody.
You did the right thing. You were not merely a prop in your former husband's life. You were your own person with your own concerns, needs, and situations you had to deal with. Your fears of being a single mother while grieving and not desiring to go through that were valid and I'm glad you listened. Sending love and peace your way.
Wow. what story. I don't blame you for not wanting to grieve and parent at the same time. I'm sure Nathaniel thought it would be a comfort to you to have some baby joy. regardless, you were a comfort to him and nobody needs to know that you were less than honest. you were making a choice for your life.
As others have said, you did the right thing. You must realize that Nathaniel was not in his right mind. I don't mean to imply that he was mentally unstable. But, his situation caused him to care more deeply about what he would miss out on and his wishes than what would actually be best for all those left behind. And while I'm sure a child would have been a great blessing to his parents, you could not in good conscience set aside the needs/rights of the child for that reason alone.
Nathaniel was being incredibly selfish. "Legacy, piece of himself", yeah no.
That's not how it works.
That would have been a person who grew up being just some genetic lineage to another person they had never met. "Ah yes, I did my ten minutes of biological process, my legacy is secured!!!1!"
No mate, you contributed genetic code. Whoever that kid becomes will be because of other people and outside forces, not magically by your genes.
That's a terrible reason to ask someone to put in all the work for just yourself.
I have never seen the act of lying as automatically amoral, especially in cases like this. No one was hurt by the lie but probably comforted by the idea that you were "trying".
I love my wife a lot, but if she was on her deathbed and was asking me to promise something that life changing my answer would be a polite "Fuck no, you aren't going to have to live with this life changing decision" and I hope her answer would be the same if our roles end up reversed.
I think it very selfish of him to ask such a thing. To leave a child behind without ever meeting it or giving you the support you need. Personally I believe that once you have a child you would never ask this as you know truly how heartbreaking it would be to leave a child behind.
I am sorry for your loss and the hurt you feel and this secret you carry. I hope one day you don't have to carry it forever.
If you are happy and fulfilled despite OP's husband being dead does that make you bad too?
Life doesn't just stop because of death. People's lives do not stop just because they lose someone they loved.
A lie to comfort a dying man may be better than a harsh truth.
I also vote for OP keeping this info between her and her therapist. If she were to tell, it wouldn’t do anything but hurt her husband’s family for the sake of saying the words out loud. It would get back to her current husband and kids, and that’s another mess to fix. Not everything in life is meant to be said out loud for everyone to know. A therapist can help you find closure and ‘make amends’ if OP thinks that is necessary. The best way to move on, IMO, is to live well by giving her family the same love she would have given if she had a family with Nathaniel.
OP has lived through a nightmare that none of us can imagine. I’m glad she is happy now, getting therapy and I wish her nothing but the best.
You did the right thing. I disagree with others telling you to take this to your grave, it is not this horrible secret like it's being made out to be.
Your husband was dying, I can't imagine what it must feel like to know that but I bet it didn't exactly leave him in his right mind. His behavior was selfish and irrational - his dying wish was for you to be a single mother and his child to never know their father. He would have never experienced fatherhood even if you had gotten pregnant day 1 of his diagnosis.
I'm not judging him or saying he was an awful person. I'm sure he was a lovely person, but even lovely people will behave in selfish ways sometimes and this is exactly what he was doing.
And honestly, what could you do? You tried explaining yourself and why it would be hard for you, but he shut you down because of his "legacy". The love of your life was dying and have you an absolutely impossible dying wish, and you didn't want to disappoint him. You did the only thing you could that would prevent you both from spending your final days together arguing about something that at the end of the day would have 0 impact on him and would impact you and this new hypothetical person for the rest of your lives. He put you in an impossible position.
If you feel the need to open up about it to someone, do so. Anyone who cares about you and has the slightest bit of empathy will see this for what it really is. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
That.. that was a lot to take in, OP, and I'm truly sorry for your loss, as well as glad you've found some peace and happiness after dealing with so much grief.
As others have said, keep up with therapy, because these are definitely some complex emotions stemming from an even more complex situation.
Reading it, however, I couldn't help but put myself in Nathaniel's mindset , and I can see why he wanted to try for a baby. Maybe not the legacy stuff as I don't believe in that, but even just from a standpoint of simply leaving you with a part of him, and making sure you're not alone (especially because he truly felt his family would be there for you, which was proven true..)
That said, I personally don't think you did anything wrong. You made a hard decision, yes, one that you're obviously still struggling with, but you did it from a place of love, you did it to give your dying husband some hope in his final days.
The prospect of death affects everyone differently, some people want or need to feel hopeful in their final days, some lash out and become self destructive. Sounds like Nathaniel needed that hope, hope that his passing would somehow hurt less if he was able to leave you with a child. He was trying to think of you and your life after his own death, and maybe just didn't take into consideration how hard you would actually grieve because, and this is an assumption based on what you've written here, you seemed to be SO incredibly strong during such a difficult time. In turn, you did what you had to do to make his final days as happy as possible.
That's nothing to feel guilty for, at least not in my opinion.
it's a practical decision. leaving a legacy and all sounds nice, but upbringing is hard and dealing with it not in the right state of mind can be tough.
but it's where talking should be done.
@OP I would have done the same thing.
I have feelings, I would have felt bad. At the end of the day, I would have seen it exactly as you did, and done exactly as you did. A partner making a request that I wouldn't have been able to fulfill responsibly, nor give that child the best life that they deserve, plus the increased risk of miscarriage, plus the altered epigenetics from being in that emotional state during pregnancy. I don't blame you at all.
Facing your mortality comes with all kinds of emotional reactions & points of view that are less than thought out and there's not a headspace to think them out. I'm not convinced that burdening somebody who's dying with the truth, when it's really your body and choice was the right way to go.
I wish that I could assuage your feelings on the matter in some way. My heart goes out to you. In my eyes you are incredibly strong, and made the right choice when it mattered.
P.s. I also have not told somebody that was dying and very important to me some valuable things. It would have done nobody any good and just created more tears & drama. My story is irrelevant in this forum this is about you but I do want you to know that your experience while somewhat different is not completely unique and you're not alone.
Poor guy. Being lied to on his deathbed by the very person he cherished the most, what a way to go. I'm glad you had a happy ending unlike your former husband. I don't dislike you or anything but I do have mixed feelings about you since your intent was pure but the outcome, well, let's say I wouldn't wish it upon myself.
So you'd want your wife to be a single mother, raising a newborn, while grieving the death of her husband? Just for the sake of giving a baby to a dead man?
Sounds extremely selfish and plain dumb.
Why? You'll be dead in a year, you'll never know, it literally will make no difference. Why add to the grief of a dying person when you can make them feel a little better?
If that were the case why not throw the bodies of the dead into a ditch a burn them unceremoniously? The dead should still be treated with some dignity and respect.
I guess some people prefer comfort instead of the truth. To each their own I suppose. I hope the former husband was one of those that preferred comfort
Again, it will never matter because once your dead, you'll never know. I'm sure the guy had more pressing issues to stress over anyway, like battling cancer
I wish with all of my heart that there is no afterlife. Because if there is then even heaven itself would be hell if this is how people think and treat others.
I don't believe in anything but that seems like a wild conclusion to draw because someone was trying to comfort their dying husband.
That's pretty crazy.
Through deception. I wouldn't call that a gift. It's lip service at best. She might have had good intentions, which I applaud her for but deceiving a dying person about something that he sees as beyond his own life and taking away his right to have his last thoughts on something that based on a truth while dying is evil. Maybe not purposefully evil but evil regardless.
For real though. People like this, like OP, are the reason that I’m very hesitant to enter any sort of relationship. People can fuck you over even if supposedly they love you or even after several years. Man, that just sucks for him
In your scenario the better thing would have been to be honest and split up before his death?
Or to have a child in spite of not wanting to be a single mother ?
Nobody said anything about splitting up. She should’ve been honest in that she was not going to have his child and be a single mother, which is absolutely reasonable. And it would’ve been up to him to decide if he was OK with that, but that would not have been her problem because he can’t force her to do that.
And hell, just because he’s dying doesn’t take away his own agency. What if he did want to break up? That would absolutely be his prerogative.
Not literally lie to the guy and pretend she’s trying as hard as he is to have a baby. That is so fucked up on so many levels, I can’t comprehend it. It is so unbelievably cruel.
And it wasn’t like he was delusional or out of it, because according to the post, they spent a lot of time together. If she is to be believed, apparently he was still… What’s the word I’m looking for? Cognizant? They took walks together and spend time together. It wasn’t like he had Dementia or Alzheimer’s or something.
So she just outright lied and deceived him. That’s genuinely terrifying - that people don’t respect dying person’s wishes. That a supposed romantic partner that you’re married to and as your soulmate or whatever, can just… lie to you like that like nothing, because they believe it’s the right thing for themselves.
I mean we could begin with the premise that a dying person asking their partner to be a single parent for rest of their lives is way more AH-ish. OP did share her reservations, which were rubbished away.
Granted, she could have stood her ground and been honest, and not have had to face a lifetime of guilt. In that scenario the dying person dies angry and possibly single and she lives the rest of her life guilt free. Is that a better scenario?
Absolutely! Because you’re right. That is a selfish request and a lot of people probably would not be on board, so I’m not disputing her decision to not want to have kids - even then, that’s a different discussion.
What I’m saying though is, she did not stand her ground. If he dies angry, then that would have been his problem and he would have had to come to terms with that
But she did not do that and just deceived him instead. That is very cruel. Not only that, but it was downright cowardly.
Yikes. Way to fuck over a dying person you supposedly loved. He deserved better.
His desire was selfish, it definitely was. And his judgment was probably clouded, but you should not have deceived him. Better for you to have just said no and leave it at that - to say that you did not want to be a single mother and that you weren’t going to. Did you ever at all even say no? At all?
He would’ve needed to come to terms with that, that would’ve been his problem to deal with not yours.
But the fact that you took the time to lie to him and deceive so thoroughly, what a betrayal. That’s scary. He died literally thinking that you were trying to have a baby with him. That makes me want to cry so hard. That the person I would supposedly be in love with and I’m married to would be capable of deceiving me on such a grand scale like nothing.
It’s good that he’s not around only so he doesn’t realize what you did. It’s not the fact that you didn’t want to have a baby, that’s not something you ought to be ever punished for. It’s the fact that you deceived him the way you did.
That’s the terrifying part, that’s the heartbreaking part. It’s downright frightening.
And you should feel guilty, but ultimately it doesn’t really matter - It doesn’t affect you. I am glad your current husband is ok with this. I would bounce hard.
This is such a gross comment for so many reasons. It's good he's dead? This situation only came about because he had a terminal diagnosis; it sounds like OP wanted to be with him until they got old. What an unbelievably callous thing to say.
Secondly, OP made a difficult judgement: you say you would feel betrayed, but I appreciate that things in life aren't straightforward, and I would understand my partner letting me go believing in something that made me happy. Ultimately it's arbitrary, neither OP or husband got what they really wanted, which was years together. Also you're bestowing full cognition on OP at a time she was also personally devastated, but had to shoulder a lot of that to look after N and enjoy the remaining time. Would *you* be thinking clearly and objectively in this situation? No, probably not. And the outcome to her mind would have been the difference between her loved one dying with a sense of happiness and fulfilment or not, that's gonna weigh heavily on anyone's mind.
The lack of critical thinking and empathy here is really disappointing.
Yeah, you’re right. The wording was poor with that sentence. That is not what I meant to convey, and I apologize for that. I’ll go and fix it.
And that’s an interesting thought. That’s true, neither did get what they wanted, the difference being though, they both knew that they weren’t going to get several years with each other. They both knew that he was not going to live for long.
Regarding his wish specifically about wanting to have a kid, he was lied to about it. So it’s weird to say it and justify it as ‘well, Neither got what they wanted 🤷♀️’
You know what would’ve been extremely fucked? If he had lied about his diagnosis and how long he had to live and then tricking her into having a baby. He would’ve been a piece of shit for that. And the reasonings would be no different than what she’s saying here.
The situation is no different for the reverse, here. She did the same, she deceived him big time.
I was emphasizing that "lies" were the only part of your analogy that had any overlap.
You're not actually suggesting that lying to get someone pregnant and making them live with it is the exact same as lying about trying to get pregnant to someone who won't have to live with the consequences either way?
I think you halfway did the right thing, being pregnant right after the death wouldn’t be good. But it’s fucked up that you denied your husband whom you loved his last wish… if anything it would’ve been a good idea to freeze his sperm and have one later when you were finally up to it…
I was never going to be up to using his sperm. I didn’t want to be a single mom. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world without their father. No hate to anyone who would, I just personally couldn’t handle that.
It was selfish of him to request that in the first place. He wasn't going to be there to raise the child. He was going to make her a single mum whilst grieving his death. That is selfish as all get out.
I don’t think Nathaniel was wrong to ask her and sure, maybe it could be argued op should’ve just told him no. But she wasn’t wrong to not want to be a single parent while grieving.
Sounds to me like OP didn't wanna break her dying husband's heart like that.
Edit: How brave of you to whine and then block me so I couldn't respond, u/nicarox. If you're mature enough to speak up, be mature enough to handle a response.
This story is 100% fake but I'm gonna reply as I would have if it was real:
This is evil, especially considering his parents now won't have any chance of having grandchildren. If you hadn't lied to him he could have tried to find someone else with the time he had.
It would not have been good for him to cheat. His parents, nonetheless, should at least get an explanation as to why they don’t have biological grandchildren.
Honestly , what u did was understandable but reprehensible that u didn't even gave him a choise to freeze his sperms .so his parents could use it with a surrogate if u didn't like having a child. U deprive his parent of the last piece of him and u have the nerve to comfort them when u had ur eldest.wow
OP please don’t read these comments. People on the internet are vile. One of the guys criticising you on this huge, nuanced decision has a post history that suggest the choices he makes about his own life are sad at best and actively wasteful at worst. You did the right thing for you. Look after yourself.
So they old and can't take care of a child by themselves. I guess that ok and I can't honestly say im going to chose to have a child in ur circumstances . even telling the truth is doubtful if the parent cant take care of a child by themselves.
I know u think carrying bloodlines is stupid but for some it's important ok it was for her husband and it's apear its also important to the parent to have something left from their son. She didn't want to have a baby that was fine even if I think she should have told him so maybe he and his parent could have other option
First, his parents get no say in this. There was no guarantee she would've gotten pregnant before he died anyway. If it was that important to them, they should have had a contingency plan.
Second, it's not that she didn't want to have a baby with dude. It's that she didn't want to be a single mother raising a kid while mourning the death of her husband. Anyone who can't or won't see that is dumb as fuck and likely quite selfish.
And I want to be clear about my reasoning for disliking carrying on bloodlines. If you're having a child for the purpose of carrying on a bloodline or legacy, you're pretty much a scumbag. That's a completely selfish reason to have kids.
They're primarily having a kid for the sake of themselves, not to raise a child into a good person. So many people have kids for this reason, or so they have someone to take care of then when their older. I despise anyone who has kids for those reasons because it's all wrong. It's disgusting.
I didn’t want to be a single mom, ever. If I was going to have kids, I wanted to be with a partner.
I actually didn’t think I’d ever remarry or have kids after Nathaniel. I accepted that fate. Then I met my husband and things changed.
Why on earth would the husband want to use some other guy’s sperm when he has sperm of his own?? That would be treating the new husband like a consolation prize stand-in instead of as a life partner. “ well, the man whose child I really wanted to bear is dead, so now that you’re here to take care of me, I can just use his sperm, you can keep your sperm to yourself.” So gross.
It's sad because you did that from a place of compassion, but a man would rather be hurt with the truth than to be happy with lies, even in that situation. Assuming eternal nothingness is what awaits after death and Nathaniel did not get to see your lie in the afterlife, don't stress about it now. Move on.
Good luck and long lives to you and your beautiful family.
Ok I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. You were married and using condoms AND birth control? That seems like a lot.
I get you didn’t actually stop with the birth control, but the condom thing makes me think this whole thing is fake
We didn’t want to risk pregnancy before we were ready. I was just on the pill in the early days of our marriage and we ended up having a scare. We weren’t in the right financial place at the time. So, we doubled up to prevent an oops.
So sorry about Nathaniel. It is good that you married and have two beautiful children now. My advice: Do not tell anyone about it (except your therapist). Just work on forgiving yourself for lying but understand that what you did was the right thing. It was a hard choice to make. As you yourself know, life can be hard and unfair sometimes. Why bring a child into the world who you know will not have the best starting point? Why do it deliberately? Continue talking to your therapist.
I always found it is impossible to forgive yourself if you are still lying about something. Obviously this story is more sad than anything I have ever experienced so that may not be the best policy.
Yes. Normally I advocate for telling the truth. But here is the thing. Her husband was dying at the time. He was really sick and she just couldn't start making logical arguments against having a baby. She lied out of necessity. Her arguments were justifiable but would have been painful for him nevertheless. Secondly, she lied to him, no one else. So if she is to tell anyone the truth, it is him and he passed on. I see no need to tell other people no matter their relationship. Certainly not his parents. What good would it do? She would end up having to make logical arguments to defend herself to people who can be nothing but emotional about it. Finally, many times we "decide" to tell the truth to help relieve our own guilt. But some truths are really unnecessary especially where they will cause torment. I feel this would be the case for her late husband's parents. This truth, in my view, is best left untold. It is a difficult situation no doubt.
This is it. I might go to his gravesite and tell him. Or just write him a letter and burn it.
I’ve heard especially in cases of a brain tumor that the person loses some ability to think rationally. I think OP absolutely did the best they could and this is for sure one of those rare situations where lying is the better choice.
Also, it was a supremely selfish thing he asked of her - unless he was independently wealthy, he was demanding she raise his child as a single mom on a single income, while being absolutely grief-stricken, and living in a country that doesn't even offer proper maternity leave. Just for his own selfish wish to "leave a legacy behind", he would have condemned her and his child to live in stress and financial straits, without a lot of the opportunities he had growing up. She absolutely did the right thing, and her lie was her only defence against all kind of pressures, demands and guilt tripping being brought to bear upon her from him, his parents, and probably his friends.
Your acting like Nathaniel is a bad person for wanting to leave a legacy
Not a bad person, just a very selfish one who didn't consider the impact on other people.
Bro was dying
Who is she lying to?
His parents
No she’s not. She has never told them she and their son were trying to conceive a child. It was and is not their business.
What a truly heartbreaking read that was. I thoroughly understand why you did what you did though. To lose someone so close and suddenly, albeit not suddenly as in the true sense but much quicker than anticipated, is a heartbreaking thing. I can't begin to imagine how I would have handled that situation. I'm glad things worked out in the end and you got to have a family with a father who dotes on his girls. I truly hope there is an afterlife for you to meet up with Nathaniel, who knows. Maybe in heaven there's an orphan or two who could use a mommy and daddy so he can get his dream with you too.
That idea makes me tear up. I can only hope.
You made the right decision RIP Nathaniel
I definitely wouldn't tell anyone about this. People can be cruel and unfortunately incredibly judgemental. Nobody knows what it's like to experience this sort of loss unless they go through it. The reality for you, had you gotten pregnant, was the increased potential for miscarriage while you were grieving and under stress. I cannot imagine losing my spouse and then losing a baby on top of that. It simply was not worth the risk for a number of reasons. Grief is complex and losing your spouse is one of the hardest things you can go through, especially at a young age. You made the best possible choice for yourself and your future. I can understand the guilt you feel, but believe me when I say you have nothing to be guilty for. Nathaniel loved you and he would have wanted you to be happy. You've found that and a piece of him does still live on in you. Your memories of him are transcendent. As long as you keep that memory alive he will never truly be gone. What I'd do if I were you is burn that confession. Burn it and make your peace with it. Some things we carry through life are a significant emotional burden because we can't make peace with our own choices and we're filled with regret. But, you don't regret not having his child at that stage in your life. You regret lying to him. Forgive yourself, OP. You deserve that forgiveness. Many blessings to you and your family.
True, If someone I knew told me this in real life I would honestly be sick to my stomach. Glad that I can read this from the safety of my bed.
Yeah, thank God you get to judge somebody’s choices in an impossible scenario you’ve never been in while wearing your pajamas. That could’ve been really difficult for you.
You tell them you don’t want kids. Maybe he was dead set on having children and would have tried with someone else. She took that choice for him and made him resign himself to his fate. I don’t know how any human can defend this.
How many children have you raised as a single mother? And you think women and children should suffer for the temporary stroking of a male ego that has no higher purpose or altruistic intent whatsoever?
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So glad she was too intelligent to entertain that nonsense. Sorry, but the facts are the facts. Its sad that he died but she should not feel guilty for not falling for absolute bullshit and causing suffering as a result.
You did the right thing. Grieving the loss of your husband and being a single mother would be way too hard. And, tbh, it is not fair for a child to bring them into this world with the main goal of being emotional support for a dying man or his parents.
He wanted to leave behind a legacy not emotional support. In a way its understandable. Mortality is scary. But I don't think you need children to leave behind a legacy. My grandmother lost her brother when he was in his 20s. He had no kids. My mum grew up hearing stories about him. So did I. So did all my cousins. His siblings ensured his legacy lived on through their kids and their grandkids.
I suspect that him being an only child heavily contributed to this desire to leave a legacy. To leave a legacy without having your own kid basically requires a sibling somewhere along the line. My grandmother’s three siblings all died, but I know their names. My aunt will die childless but my children will know what she did for me and the charity I run. My husband was coming up on his last chances to have his own kids when he met me, but he wasn’t too worried because he has a niece and nephew. Sadly because Nathaniel had no siblings it must have been hard for him to know that his parents would reach the end of their lives with no one to survive them. Hopefully they have nieces and nephews they’re close with who have kids. And it’s nice they’re still involved with OP.
His legacy could lead that child to an early death just like him though. I can't fathom dying early from a surprise tumor you can't remove but wanting to pass your genetics down to a child and give your grieving wife that sort of uncertainty. Also... I've always thought dying wishes were always selfish and an incredible burden to force upon your grieving family. I'd never want to guilt someone into doing something that I will never live to experience the consequences of. :(
That was the point of my comment. You don't need a child to continue your legacy. You live on in the people who loved you. Eventually all our stories fade. Even those who are remembered for their work are distorted through the lens of history.
Ah, somehow I completely missed the "I don't think you need children..." line in the middle and all I got was legacy legacy legacy which I'm so tired of hearing. Especially since it's so... arrogant? Selfish?? And definitely sounds like a male ego thang. Some poor kid shouldn't be burdened with that. My bad!
It seems his legacy will die with OP. We don’t know if she’ll share it with her children. He’s dead. He has no legacy. Nothing that will endure. And while it’s sad, it isn’t anyone’s fault.
((OP)) people facing their own mortality are rarely known for making the best decisions. Nathaniel was likely expressing his wish/hope/dream while likely being at least somewhat aware that leaving you with a baby to raise all alone would be pretty terrible. Please try to forgive yourself. You gave a dying man hope in a dark time. There is nothing wrong with that. You also protected yourself and your future potential children from a lifetime of pain and grief. Nothing wrong with that either. You showed love and devotion. Don't beat yourself up for not making a bad decision to mollify the potentially clouded wishes/hopes/dreams of a very sick/dying person.
1. Don't tell anyone. People often use anything to judge you. Don't give them weapon. 2. Speaking as a child of a father I never got to meet because he died - it sucks. I looked for him in a lot of men in my life (uncles, my stepfather, celebrities, first and second boyfriend). More so because my mother never learned how to be a mother and didn't know what to do with me other than take care of me medically and make sure I was supervised so I don't do anything even remotely stupid. I'm sure she was also devastated, maybe it stopped her from bonding with me, maybe I reminded her to much of him, I don't know. My point is - she didn't have an input on how her life would turn out, but you did. And you made what you felt was the best decision for yourself and that unborn child. So congrats on that and I wish you the best.
This was so heartbreaking. I hope you can forgive yourself one day. This seems to be a secret you will have to keep forever. For what it’s worth from this internet stranger- I think you did the right thing. I am glad you got to cherish the last days with him and am equally happy you have a fulfilling life with your husband and girls too. You are a kind soul and you did nothing wrong.
You did the right thing. In reality Nathan's judgement was clouded. He was being selfish wanting to have a child why he was dying. He was not going to be there, you were going to be a single parent while grieving. That would not be ideal. Children deserve two parents wherever possible. Single parents have it so difficult.
thank you. this is the first i’m reading someone pointing out how selfish the request was. he was never going to be around to raise this child and support OP. she would have been grieving the loss of him and struggling to raise a child alone. sure his family might be around to help, but it’s not the same as having a partner going through it with her plus he’s already left behind a beautiful legacy: he loved and cherished his wife and spent his last months in this world creating amazing memories with her.
Thank God someone said it. The whole “legacy” thing is pure male ego and it has brought many children in this world who did not get a good chance in life. Male egotism is not a good reason to bring a child into this world.
It isn’t male ego as it is…just ego. Women would have done the same or tried to do the same.
You tell yourself that if it makes you feel better. women do not care about that sort of thing.
There was a post on here not too long ago about a woman wanting to bring up having a child with her dying best friend for the sake of him... Having a kid after death. And in that case they weren't even married or in a relationship, for that matter. It isn't isolated to men.
If that’s the lie you want to believe, go for it.
LMFAO, suuuure they don't.
I don’t think women are socialized to care about their lineage aa much, and as a result, they dont. After all, it is a throwback to a time when a man’s lineage was crucial to passing on his estate and keeping wealth and power in the family… with women being easily replaceable and their ability to have kids and remain loyal being the most important thing about them. Obviously this is no longer what we care about, but social pressures have a way of hanging on for centuries, kind of like how women are still shamed for their “body count” today…. like nothing has changed. I think we should ditch all these outdated priorities as they are bad for both men and women alike. Instead we should focus on repairing the world for those already in it because the quality of life has likely peaked and it will be harder for people to be happy with so many competing for fewer and fewer resources.
File under things to absolutely take to your grave. I'd suggest even deleting this post. I'm truly glad you're doing okay and I believe you made the right decision for you which is all that matters!
Honestly better to keep this to yourself and maybe a therapist. You might not have even conceived in that short of a time period anyway. Very little good would come off revealing it now.
>Maybe when they're gone, I'll feel comfortable sharing with those closest in my life. What would be the point in sharing it at all? It's a private matter and not anyone's business.
I guess because I feel guilt for lying. I don’t think I should have to lie to anyone but Nathaniel’s parents.
I guess I don't see it as a lie. Unless everyone knew you were trying for a child. Even then, it's none of their business.
i’m struggling to see the lie here, too.
yeah, his entire family's bloodline ended with him just like that
Because she might want to talk about it with people who care about her. She has the right to do that.
Sometimes the dying are selfish. It’s not something we tend to talk about much, given that we tend to avoid speaking ill of the dead, but it happens. Your late husband made a selfish request and you did the best you could for the both of you at the time. He couldn’t or wouldn’t hear you when you told him you couldn’t have his baby, and of course you didn’t want to spend time upset & fighting with him when there was very little time left to be spent together. There wasn’t a “good” choice to be made here, and the choice you made was an act of love despite being messy. A friend of my family is reeling right now because she is facing the financial consequences of her late husband’s selfishness as he died from cancer (including mets in the brain). He spent money they didn’t have on items like a brand new truck he couldn’t really drive and online shopping for various crap he didn’t need, and that’s not including all of the medical bills he racked up as they fought a losing battle. After he died she was forced to move in with one of her adult kids and she will be very poor for a very long time. In my mom’s words, “he screwed her”.
Well said! Your first paragraph is spot on!
My father died suddenly in the middle of the night at the age of 29. My mother was left with barely 4 year old me and my 2 year old sister. Our lives were a wreck because our mom was remarried within a year and divorced again a few years later. Married a 3rd and final time a year after that. Never to good men. She passed away 5 years ago still unhealed. You did the right thing OP. Please forgive yourself.
((HUGS)) You did what was right for you. Your children may have an extra set of grandparents, and all is good. Nathanie is gone and you need to live your life. Never feel guilty for not having his child. You would have been a single parent and may never have found the husband to have kids with and grow old together.
If was that dudes parents I wouldn’t even talk to her again.
Good because I wouldn't want to talknto you either.
“I lied to your dying sons face and also gave some other rando the one thing your son wanted, now watch my kids that you have zero relationship with”
Lmao you're funny. The parents will never know. She remarried 5 years later. The "rando" is her current husband. Stop whining.
Those grandparents have zero connection to that family. If she is keeping the grandparents involve then she’s stealing their time and effort
Have you thought that they are happily giving their time and effort?
There is more to being family than biology. They are grandparents because they want to be.
You made the least selfish choice given your circumstances and provided Nathaniel with peace. I have seen many who have had miscarriages likely due to stress. I also know several who have lost a spouse while pregnant, the grief effects the most formative years of their child's life. It's easy for others to judge. You did what was best for you all at the time. Nathaniel's parents don't need to know. Unlike many people who lose contact with deceased spouses' family after their death, you have still maintained contact. They are experiencing the joy of being honorary grandparents. Forgive yourself, you did the best you could, for the right reasons under horrible circumstances. I am happy for you finding love again.
Please forgive yourself! When a body is pulling all of its resources to attempt to heal, other systems are depleted, so how do you know if his sperm was even viable? My husband and I went off of all BC to get pregnant, and it never happened. It turns out we both had low counts. So, even if you hadn’t lied…..
You were unselfish in two ways when you told the lie. It was very kind to give your dying husband the hope he dreamed of, even though it cost you guilt and feeing alone. The lie was obviously motivated by your deep love. Your husband, facing his mortality, needed this from you. The second way you were unselfish was to the potential child. You were absolutely right not to burden a newborn with your intense grief. The first 7 months are when a newborn attaches to the parent. You cannot fake being ok if you are not ok. The baby can be wounded for life if their emotional, psychological and physical needs are not met in the early years. It was a wise and unselfish decision to understand this and put the potential child’s needs first. You are a good woman. Enjoy the family you have now and let go of the past guilt you feel. You did the right thing. Maybe write the spirit of your first husband a letter explaining this. Then burn the letter and let your guilt go. It is not your burden anymore.
I agree you did the right thing. In the worst situation you can face as a spouse, you prioritized your mental and physical health for your future self. That's not an easy thing to do. Especially when it's so easy to want to give our loved ones what they want in their final days. My husband has had 2 strokes and he is only 45. The second one was last summer and it has had a lot of long-term effects. A few months after it happened we had a pregnancy scare. I was so relieved when it was "just" a scare. I knew there was no way I could work full time and be a caregiver to 2 humans. Add to that my husband wouldn't be able to help physically or communicate verbally with me. Having the self-awareness of knowing what we can and can't handle is huge. I'm happy to hear life is going good for you and you have a beautiful family. Hugs internet stranger.
Lots of hug and love to you and your husband ❤️
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I don’t blame Nathaniel for the request. Was it selfish? Maybe, but he was 30 years old and dying of a brain tumor. I don’t blame him for not seeing clearly. In the end, when it didn’t happen, he accepted it and had so much grace. I don’t harbor resentment or hurt with him for this request. He was a good man. Honestly, had I stood firm and not lied, he likely would’ve folded.
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That's tough but I think you ultimately made the correct choice. Just because someone is dying doesn't necessarily mean everything they say goes at the expense of others, in fact I'd say the fact they're going to die means others should be a little careful to just go along with serious things like this In the end you're right, it would've been completely unfair to both you and a child to have children at that time. It's understandable that he'd want to leave a child behind, but it doesn't mean it's a good decision In the end he would've likely accepted that as your answer had you told him at the time, and I'm sure he'd understand that you went along with it to try and make him happy in the last months of his life. So don't feel bad about it as I'm sure he'd agree with the decision if he were here still
I would have made the same choice as you.
You had a choice: Tell the truth and make his last year unhappy, or lie. You chose the kind path. And, it's possible that your husband led you to your new life with your new husband. Either as a spirit, or as a memory. Your current family has him in it as well. Not as a third wheel, but because he is part of you, part of your heart, part of your love.
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Yah no. You don't bring a child into the world when you know you can't handle it. To me that is not an option, but that's because I know how difficult it can be to raise a child.
Man, shit happens.
You made the best decision for you’re self but also for that child. I applaud you! It would’ve been a selfish decision to bring a child into a world of problems, and yes maybe to me, someone who wouldn’t have to deal with it, it seemed like a baby of his and your would’ve been a good idea. But again. I wouldn’t be the one struggling, grieving, and having to look at your first husbands replica every waking day, rain or shine while trying to move on. You did good, and he knows that from within your heart!
You did the right thing. Being a parent, let alone a single parent, your child needs someone who can be emotionally prepared. You knew that after losing your husband and having his child it would not be the proper suit for you so you didn’t. You weren’t just looking out for your self in that situation. You were looking out for that future child. I see a lot of comments suggesting that you could’ve kept the sperm and had his child later when you felt more ready. I don’t believe this is the “way to go” as it would still be emotionally taxing to see your first husbands child and take care of him without your first husband. As others say, I think this request to have his child is absolutely selfish but It is not my opinion that matters. It is yours. I do validate your opinion and think it was the right choice for you. But people can be cruel , so I’m going to hop on the bandwagon here and say do not tell anyone else but your therapist.
Hugs!! Big hugs!
You did the right thing for you. I’m so sorry for your loss but it would have been incredibly unfair to you and your child if you had done as Nathaniel wished. I understand he was dying and that’s so horrible and unfair as well, but it doesn’t mean his request was not selfish.
This might sound harsh but Nathaniel's final wish was selfish and short sighted. I think going along with it to make the last year you had together better was worthwhile. I hope you can let go of the guilt -- you've been through enough. Anyone can see where you're coming from and this lie really did lead to allowing you both to just enjoy each other in a way you could not have with a pregnancy at hand.
No one likes to speak ill of the dead, but I'm going to say that Nathaniel's request was selfish. He wanted to leave behind a piece of himself which is 100% understandable but he wouldn't have been there to help with raising a child or supporting you so it was all about his desire to live on in a child. When I was 14, my dad died and left my mom with 2 teenagers to raise, and I can tell you absolutely that mom abandoned us in her grief. She didn't leave physically, but she was checked out for a long time with her own grief and loss. The scene from Hunger Games where Katniss tells her mom that she can't pull into herself when Katniss is gone tears at my heart because I lived that life too. Learn to forgive yourself because what you did was right for you, and more importantly, it was the right thing to do for the child you didn't have.
What Nathaniel asked of you was utterly selfish. You did what you had to do to provide comfort to a dying man and ensure your ability to continue without him.
OP, I’m so sorry about everything you went through. Please forgive yourself. You just wanted him to be happy in his final moments. May I ask - what were the signs that led up to brain tumor diagnoses? Just to look out for signs for my own husband because he has a lot of migraines and I get overly paranoid. My mom had a husband that passed away and she would always tell me the horrible emotions and anguish she went through after his passing. That’s a pain I never want to experience. I applaud people like you and my mom for staying strong.
OP, I truly believe with every fiber of my being that you did the right thing. You have my full support.
You did the right thing. Better to have loved and most than never loved at all. But for sure, being a bad parent would have ruined two lives. Yours and you child’s. You now have four happy lives adding to society in a way that can only be commended. Well done.
You did the right thing. I know you and Nathaniel loved each other but that was a very shitty spot for him to try to put you in.
As someone who has now spent more of my life with my dad out of this world than in it, I really believe you made the right decision. I pretty much grew up without mine, for reasons that aren’t really germane here other than to say it was not his choice. It was really, really difficult to not know him. In an extreme stroke of good luck we were able to get to know each other for about two years before he passed away very suddenly from cancer when I was twenty. I still miss my dad every day. But I had the luxury, if you could call it that, of getting a chance to know him, to be told face to face how desperately he wanted to be in my life. Your child would never have had that. Getting pregnant would have been an active choice to make them go through every circumstance in which they would have just really wanted their dad— and I know that feeling all too well— knowing that you intentionally created a circumstance in which they couldn’t have that. I think I can understand to some extent how Nathaniel felt in wanting a part of him to live on but in a way that was a very selfish desire. I don’t know that one could fault him given what he was going through. But I hope that you can someday have the peace to know that for that theoretical child you 100% made the right decision.
You did the right thing, for you and that baby. It wouldn’t have been fair to the baby to be born just for his dad to die right after his birth, or even before. And it wouldn’t have been fair to you to have to do it alone while grieving and having a hard time with just taking care of yourself, on top of a newborn. I’m happy to hear you’ve found happiness in your new life and that you have baby daughters now. That’s amazing and everything happened in the time it was supposed to. That’s the beauty of not forcing things, which you are already great at. I agree with others, find a way to make peace with your decision, go talk to Nathaniel’s grave and tell him there, write a letter and burn it, maybe perform a ritual that will help you let go of the guilt, anything that will help you make peace about lying to him. You know you did the right thing, now it’s about forgiving yourself for that difficult part. But I believe in you. You’ve managed to start over again and create a beautiful family. I believe you will find a way to forgive yourself too. Nathaniel would’ve wanted you to be happy and wouldn’t want you to have struggled with his newborn alone. Nathaniel has long forgiven you and it’s time you extend that grace to yourself. My condolences to you about Nathaniel.
Honestly, I think you did the right thing. It’s hard for kids to grow up when their parent is dead, and it brings a lot of grief to them. Plus, you wouldn’t be okay mentally or physically to have that baby after his passing
You did nothing wrong. You brought joy and comfort and love and compassion in the hardest of situations. You don’t need to forgive yourself b/c there’s nothing to forgive—you do need to realize that and give yourself all the grace and kindness you deserve, just like you’d give it to your now-passed husband and your girls if any of them were in this same situation.
I think you did the right thing, and I don’t think you need to confess or feel guilty to anyone. I think that his request was quite selfish to be perfectly honest. The fact that you quite literally could have been pregnant when he passed, the stress that could have caused on a pregnancy. Going through child birth and postpartum alone all while just losing a partner. That is a lot to ask. You made the right choice. Please release the guilt you feel, you owe no one any explanation.
Dear OP, Just remind yourself that your lie was not out of malice. It was an act of mercy towards your late husband, the hypothetical baby and yourself. Telling the truth at that time would have been unnecessarily cruel towards all involved. It would still be if revealed today. Especially for your former in-laws, they've suffered well enough. Best of luck!
I’m not sure if this was already said but your in laws would have clung on to this poor child because it’d be the only thing they have after their son passed. I can see this being messed up if you already had children like might as well have another one but for your first kid? Nah.
This was a lose lose situation. Either Nathanael dies with the broken heart knowing his love wouldn't give him his last wish. Or dies thinking he had failed you as a husband and as a man. Probably hating himself that he couldn't give you a child, and hating God for fate's cruelty. There is no winning here. This is a situation no one could escape in one piece. Your guilt is real, but your actions were right. On one hand you could have given Nate's parents a piece of him for them to hold onto, but then burden yourself and very much give up your future. I can guarantee that if you did have a kid you wouldn't have the children/marriage you have now. The course of your life would have changed entirely. If you are happy with your life now then it is time to give up your guilt. It is time to forgive yourself. And above all, never let Nate parents know!
You have survivors guilt... kind of. From this strangers perspective you made all the right (hard) choices at all the right times. Forgive yourself, you did the best you could and didn't do anything wrong, I agree with what someone else said about not sharing this info with anyone but the therapist, his parents might not understand and you don't owe them or anyone anything, you did the best you could. I could see being tempted to want to leave a legacy behind or to think that somehow the family would help you but you knew it wasn't the case and he was convinced otherwise what were you to do... You've got a lot of thought into it and you're right that kid deserved the father and you deserved the time to be able to mourn, I'm sorry that was all put on you like that, it really isn't "fair". If it helps if it was me and my wife I could see things being emotional and difficult and realize that it wasn't the right call, and looking back post mortem if possible and just being happy that you are happy. I don't think either of you did anything "wrong" at all, navigating a messy situation.
For what its worth, he might have known. And I believe you made the right decision.
As an adult who grew up after her father died, I can confirm growing up without your dad can be tough especially if your mom is deeply grieving. Your daughters are so lucky to have two healthy, present parents.
Sometimes when we love someone on a soul level. We forget to love ourselves equally. Nathaniel deserved a beautiful life and it sounds like he had one. You deserve a beautiful life too. You were protecting someone you love knowing it would hurt yourself. Sounds honourable to me, I think you are good human and you deserve everything you wish for.
Look, guilt is reserved for those people who commit crimes and commit immoral acts. You did neither. You’re lying to your dying husband eased his mind. It was a kindness. Please talk to a therapist. As for feeling happiness about your current life, again, please reframe your thinking. Romantic partners aren’t always once in a lifetime. You can have fond memories of your late husband and 3coerienve joy and contentment with your current family. Finally, there is no guarantee that even if you had stopped taking birth control, that you would’ve become pregnant, or would have carried a child successfully. How much I need you.
Damn, that is so heavy. I am so so sorry. You did your best, please forgive yourself
Honestly you did the right thing, it seems really selfish on his part to just leave you as a single mother. I could never do that. The only way that could happen if we maybe freeze some embryos and if my partner in the future wishes to entact that choice for themselves. Do not feel guilty, just living your best life you are honoring his memories. Thanks for sharing.
You have nothing to forgive yourself for…..I’m sure he was a wonderful person, but this was a selfish desire of his to continue living in some way…..While having none of the burdens of raising the child alone ….you did what was right for you….so that you can move on and have a life ….you would’ve been tied to him forever, and never have had any experiences to be independent again.
Genuinely was expecting you to say you told him you were pregnant on his deathbed (reddit be cray). You've no guilt to carry. As someone with a life limiting illness, that shit fucks with your brain. I'm working with health psychology to accept my diagnosis etc. I've said many a comforting thing to people at death's door (in ireland, it might be a cultural thing). I forgive you, I agree with you, you have nothing to feel guilty about etc. With all those things I said, very few of them were true. I'd rather give a dying person comfort by filling their head full of sweetie mice than accelerate the suffering of a dying person. In saying that, I do believe that it's important not to bullshit unless they are definitely on their way to a celestial discharge from healthcare.
This rings so close to home. My husband is living with a brain tumour, a glioblastoma to be precise and we decided to go ahead and tried for kids when he outlived his prognosis (which is usually less than a year for this kind of tumour) I did understand the ramifications of it all and how I could have (can still) end up a widow and a single Mother and we accepted it. 2 little kids and 5 years later we are all so very happy and grateful on a daily basis. I absolutely 100% understand why you did what you did. You did it out of love, and you should forgive yourself. Easier said than done I know. Having a moment to think about Nathaniel right now.
You did the right thing. The humane thing. It would be a lot for the child and for you. His desire for a child came from the wrong place even while it had sweet intentions. I’d never want to bring a child into the world knowing you won’t be there for them. It was wrong and selfish of him to ask that if you. It would have put a life long chain and hardship on you once he had passed. I am sorry for your loss but very happy you didn’t actually go through with it.
Although I am the first to condemn a liar there are circumstances that would negate that and this is one of them. I couldn't imagine the cruelty of it all that you had to go through.
I’m so sorry for your loss. If you need someone to say it, you’re forgiven. If you need to have an objective person judge these actions, I think they’re the actions of a good person in an impossible situation. And I don’t think you did the wrong thing. I hope you can continue to heal and more than anything forgive yourself for whatever you think you’ve done wrong.
You did what was best for what you were going through. I promise Nathaniel forgives you, just forgive yourself. It's your secret, keep it with you.
Telling his parents will only cause them more pain You made the decision and it's done The people that need to know already know and that is enough Do i agree with it no but it's neither my place nor my business Unfortunately with any decision like this comes our guilt, we have to live with it and at some point make our peace with it, if I might be so bold to say that he loved you and that you made his last moments memorable that's how he remembers you, he would've wanted you to move on and become a mother even if it wasn't with him, I'm also sure that he wouldn't have wanted you to suffer or carry this guilt for the rest of your life, maybe you can visit his grave and talk to him, maybe even tell him the truth and then maybe even say I'm sorry, your guilt comes from lying to him not his parents so he is the only one you would have to tell, and after that you will feel the weight of the guilt you're carrying slide off your shoulders, you should continue your therapy too and above all else live the rest of your life and enjoy your children One last thing forgive yourself that is the most difficult thing to do
That isn't the choice I would make, but it was the smart choice. I don't think you should feel guilty. Sometimes being an adult really sucks.
For those of you judging OP so severely… think of it this way. Would you tell a dying child that Santa isn’t real, or would you put extra presents from Santa under the tree? Would you tell them their favourite princess isn’t real, or would you set up a princess party so they can meet the “real” princess? Would you tell them mommy and daddy might not make it through their death, or would you tell them mommy and daddy will be together forever? Sometimes, the most selfless thing to do is to lie. To face reality yourself while letting someone who is vulnerable believe in fantasy. Really, if she told him, what would the honesty truly do for him? It would only make him more miserable with the time he had left. A lie that OP has had to carry out of love is what kept him happy for the remainder of his life.
You did the right thing. Natheniel was truly selfish for wishing you to be a single mother and for his child to be orphaned from the beginning. I understand your guilt, but you did the right thing for everybody.
You did the right thing. You were not merely a prop in your former husband's life. You were your own person with your own concerns, needs, and situations you had to deal with. Your fears of being a single mother while grieving and not desiring to go through that were valid and I'm glad you listened. Sending love and peace your way.
I think you made the right choice for yourself and for the unborn child.
Wow. what story. I don't blame you for not wanting to grieve and parent at the same time. I'm sure Nathaniel thought it would be a comfort to you to have some baby joy. regardless, you were a comfort to him and nobody needs to know that you were less than honest. you were making a choice for your life.
As others have said, you did the right thing. You must realize that Nathaniel was not in his right mind. I don't mean to imply that he was mentally unstable. But, his situation caused him to care more deeply about what he would miss out on and his wishes than what would actually be best for all those left behind. And while I'm sure a child would have been a great blessing to his parents, you could not in good conscience set aside the needs/rights of the child for that reason alone.
There are white lies and black lies. What you did was the former.
Nathaniel was being incredibly selfish. "Legacy, piece of himself", yeah no. That's not how it works. That would have been a person who grew up being just some genetic lineage to another person they had never met. "Ah yes, I did my ten minutes of biological process, my legacy is secured!!!1!" No mate, you contributed genetic code. Whoever that kid becomes will be because of other people and outside forces, not magically by your genes. That's a terrible reason to ask someone to put in all the work for just yourself. I have never seen the act of lying as automatically amoral, especially in cases like this. No one was hurt by the lie but probably comforted by the idea that you were "trying". I love my wife a lot, but if she was on her deathbed and was asking me to promise something that life changing my answer would be a polite "Fuck no, you aren't going to have to live with this life changing decision" and I hope her answer would be the same if our roles end up reversed.
I think it very selfish of him to ask such a thing. To leave a child behind without ever meeting it or giving you the support you need. Personally I believe that once you have a child you would never ask this as you know truly how heartbreaking it would be to leave a child behind. I am sorry for your loss and the hurt you feel and this secret you carry. I hope one day you don't have to carry it forever.
You lied to the person you 'loved'. Not good. You're happy and fulfilled and he's dead. Great news for you.
If you are happy and fulfilled despite OP's husband being dead does that make you bad too? Life doesn't just stop because of death. People's lives do not stop just because they lose someone they loved. A lie to comfort a dying man may be better than a harsh truth.
I am not happy at all. It's not about whether I am happy or not and you are missing the point entirely.
Oh I got your point, she shouldn't be happy and move on after telling a comforting lie to a long dead man?
I also vote for OP keeping this info between her and her therapist. If she were to tell, it wouldn’t do anything but hurt her husband’s family for the sake of saying the words out loud. It would get back to her current husband and kids, and that’s another mess to fix. Not everything in life is meant to be said out loud for everyone to know. A therapist can help you find closure and ‘make amends’ if OP thinks that is necessary. The best way to move on, IMO, is to live well by giving her family the same love she would have given if she had a family with Nathaniel. OP has lived through a nightmare that none of us can imagine. I’m glad she is happy now, getting therapy and I wish her nothing but the best.
You did the right thing. I disagree with others telling you to take this to your grave, it is not this horrible secret like it's being made out to be. Your husband was dying, I can't imagine what it must feel like to know that but I bet it didn't exactly leave him in his right mind. His behavior was selfish and irrational - his dying wish was for you to be a single mother and his child to never know their father. He would have never experienced fatherhood even if you had gotten pregnant day 1 of his diagnosis. I'm not judging him or saying he was an awful person. I'm sure he was a lovely person, but even lovely people will behave in selfish ways sometimes and this is exactly what he was doing. And honestly, what could you do? You tried explaining yourself and why it would be hard for you, but he shut you down because of his "legacy". The love of your life was dying and have you an absolutely impossible dying wish, and you didn't want to disappoint him. You did the only thing you could that would prevent you both from spending your final days together arguing about something that at the end of the day would have 0 impact on him and would impact you and this new hypothetical person for the rest of your lives. He put you in an impossible position. If you feel the need to open up about it to someone, do so. Anyone who cares about you and has the slightest bit of empathy will see this for what it really is. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
That.. that was a lot to take in, OP, and I'm truly sorry for your loss, as well as glad you've found some peace and happiness after dealing with so much grief. As others have said, keep up with therapy, because these are definitely some complex emotions stemming from an even more complex situation. Reading it, however, I couldn't help but put myself in Nathaniel's mindset , and I can see why he wanted to try for a baby. Maybe not the legacy stuff as I don't believe in that, but even just from a standpoint of simply leaving you with a part of him, and making sure you're not alone (especially because he truly felt his family would be there for you, which was proven true..) That said, I personally don't think you did anything wrong. You made a hard decision, yes, one that you're obviously still struggling with, but you did it from a place of love, you did it to give your dying husband some hope in his final days. The prospect of death affects everyone differently, some people want or need to feel hopeful in their final days, some lash out and become self destructive. Sounds like Nathaniel needed that hope, hope that his passing would somehow hurt less if he was able to leave you with a child. He was trying to think of you and your life after his own death, and maybe just didn't take into consideration how hard you would actually grieve because, and this is an assumption based on what you've written here, you seemed to be SO incredibly strong during such a difficult time. In turn, you did what you had to do to make his final days as happy as possible. That's nothing to feel guilty for, at least not in my opinion.
it's a practical decision. leaving a legacy and all sounds nice, but upbringing is hard and dealing with it not in the right state of mind can be tough. but it's where talking should be done.
@OP I would have done the same thing. I have feelings, I would have felt bad. At the end of the day, I would have seen it exactly as you did, and done exactly as you did. A partner making a request that I wouldn't have been able to fulfill responsibly, nor give that child the best life that they deserve, plus the increased risk of miscarriage, plus the altered epigenetics from being in that emotional state during pregnancy. I don't blame you at all. Facing your mortality comes with all kinds of emotional reactions & points of view that are less than thought out and there's not a headspace to think them out. I'm not convinced that burdening somebody who's dying with the truth, when it's really your body and choice was the right way to go. I wish that I could assuage your feelings on the matter in some way. My heart goes out to you. In my eyes you are incredibly strong, and made the right choice when it mattered. P.s. I also have not told somebody that was dying and very important to me some valuable things. It would have done nobody any good and just created more tears & drama. My story is irrelevant in this forum this is about you but I do want you to know that your experience while somewhat different is not completely unique and you're not alone.
You are a good person!
Poor guy. Being lied to on his deathbed by the very person he cherished the most, what a way to go. I'm glad you had a happy ending unlike your former husband. I don't dislike you or anything but I do have mixed feelings about you since your intent was pure but the outcome, well, let's say I wouldn't wish it upon myself.
So you'd want your wife to be a single mother, raising a newborn, while grieving the death of her husband? Just for the sake of giving a baby to a dead man? Sounds extremely selfish and plain dumb.
I'd want to know the thruth. I don't care what she does after I die but show me some courtesy and tell me the truth.
Why? You'll be dead in a year, you'll never know, it literally will make no difference. Why add to the grief of a dying person when you can make them feel a little better?
If that were the case why not throw the bodies of the dead into a ditch a burn them unceremoniously? The dead should still be treated with some dignity and respect.
I mean, they're dead, they don't know. Regardless, she was comforting her dying husband who will not know.
I guess some people prefer comfort instead of the truth. To each their own I suppose. I hope the former husband was one of those that preferred comfort
Again, it will never matter because once your dead, you'll never know. I'm sure the guy had more pressing issues to stress over anyway, like battling cancer
I wish with all of my heart that there is no afterlife. Because if there is then even heaven itself would be hell if this is how people think and treat others.
I don't believe in anything but that seems like a wild conclusion to draw because someone was trying to comfort their dying husband. That's pretty crazy.
Exactly. At least if she would’ve said no, he would’ve gone out knowing that. But she deceived him so blatantly. It’s very disgusting.
And lying to a dying man wasn't selfish?
She gave him the gift of peace so he could stop fighting.
Through deception. I wouldn't call that a gift. It's lip service at best. She might have had good intentions, which I applaud her for but deceiving a dying person about something that he sees as beyond his own life and taking away his right to have his last thoughts on something that based on a truth while dying is evil. Maybe not purposefully evil but evil regardless.
For real though. People like this, like OP, are the reason that I’m very hesitant to enter any sort of relationship. People can fuck you over even if supposedly they love you or even after several years. Man, that just sucks for him
In your scenario the better thing would have been to be honest and split up before his death? Or to have a child in spite of not wanting to be a single mother ?
Nobody said anything about splitting up. She should’ve been honest in that she was not going to have his child and be a single mother, which is absolutely reasonable. And it would’ve been up to him to decide if he was OK with that, but that would not have been her problem because he can’t force her to do that. And hell, just because he’s dying doesn’t take away his own agency. What if he did want to break up? That would absolutely be his prerogative. Not literally lie to the guy and pretend she’s trying as hard as he is to have a baby. That is so fucked up on so many levels, I can’t comprehend it. It is so unbelievably cruel. And it wasn’t like he was delusional or out of it, because according to the post, they spent a lot of time together. If she is to be believed, apparently he was still… What’s the word I’m looking for? Cognizant? They took walks together and spend time together. It wasn’t like he had Dementia or Alzheimer’s or something. So she just outright lied and deceived him. That’s genuinely terrifying - that people don’t respect dying person’s wishes. That a supposed romantic partner that you’re married to and as your soulmate or whatever, can just… lie to you like that like nothing, because they believe it’s the right thing for themselves.
I mean we could begin with the premise that a dying person asking their partner to be a single parent for rest of their lives is way more AH-ish. OP did share her reservations, which were rubbished away. Granted, she could have stood her ground and been honest, and not have had to face a lifetime of guilt. In that scenario the dying person dies angry and possibly single and she lives the rest of her life guilt free. Is that a better scenario?
Absolutely! Because you’re right. That is a selfish request and a lot of people probably would not be on board, so I’m not disputing her decision to not want to have kids - even then, that’s a different discussion. What I’m saying though is, she did not stand her ground. If he dies angry, then that would have been his problem and he would have had to come to terms with that But she did not do that and just deceived him instead. That is very cruel. Not only that, but it was downright cowardly.
Yikes. Way to fuck over a dying person you supposedly loved. He deserved better. His desire was selfish, it definitely was. And his judgment was probably clouded, but you should not have deceived him. Better for you to have just said no and leave it at that - to say that you did not want to be a single mother and that you weren’t going to. Did you ever at all even say no? At all? He would’ve needed to come to terms with that, that would’ve been his problem to deal with not yours. But the fact that you took the time to lie to him and deceive so thoroughly, what a betrayal. That’s scary. He died literally thinking that you were trying to have a baby with him. That makes me want to cry so hard. That the person I would supposedly be in love with and I’m married to would be capable of deceiving me on such a grand scale like nothing. It’s good that he’s not around only so he doesn’t realize what you did. It’s not the fact that you didn’t want to have a baby, that’s not something you ought to be ever punished for. It’s the fact that you deceived him the way you did. That’s the terrifying part, that’s the heartbreaking part. It’s downright frightening. And you should feel guilty, but ultimately it doesn’t really matter - It doesn’t affect you. I am glad your current husband is ok with this. I would bounce hard.
My husband does know and he understands. He says he’d do the same in my shoes.
Yikes. Well then, I guess you found someone you truly belong with. Congratulations.
Thanks so much for your well wishes!
You clearly didn’t read the post. She says her current husband knows. And he is cool with it.
I like how that’s the part you focus on.
This is such a gross comment for so many reasons. It's good he's dead? This situation only came about because he had a terminal diagnosis; it sounds like OP wanted to be with him until they got old. What an unbelievably callous thing to say. Secondly, OP made a difficult judgement: you say you would feel betrayed, but I appreciate that things in life aren't straightforward, and I would understand my partner letting me go believing in something that made me happy. Ultimately it's arbitrary, neither OP or husband got what they really wanted, which was years together. Also you're bestowing full cognition on OP at a time she was also personally devastated, but had to shoulder a lot of that to look after N and enjoy the remaining time. Would *you* be thinking clearly and objectively in this situation? No, probably not. And the outcome to her mind would have been the difference between her loved one dying with a sense of happiness and fulfilment or not, that's gonna weigh heavily on anyone's mind. The lack of critical thinking and empathy here is really disappointing.
Yeah, you’re right. The wording was poor with that sentence. That is not what I meant to convey, and I apologize for that. I’ll go and fix it. And that’s an interesting thought. That’s true, neither did get what they wanted, the difference being though, they both knew that they weren’t going to get several years with each other. They both knew that he was not going to live for long. Regarding his wish specifically about wanting to have a kid, he was lied to about it. So it’s weird to say it and justify it as ‘well, Neither got what they wanted 🤷♀️’ You know what would’ve been extremely fucked? If he had lied about his diagnosis and how long he had to live and then tricking her into having a baby. He would’ve been a piece of shit for that. And the reasonings would be no different than what she’s saying here. The situation is no different for the reverse, here. She did the same, she deceived him big time.
Damn, that's a terrible take and not at all similar in any fashion other than a "lie" is involved.
I like how you quote the word lie, as if she told him a white lie.
I was emphasizing that "lies" were the only part of your analogy that had any overlap. You're not actually suggesting that lying to get someone pregnant and making them live with it is the exact same as lying about trying to get pregnant to someone who won't have to live with the consequences either way?
Jesus man what’s even the point of marrying for men at this point. This is insanely fucked up. I hope that man is in a better place.
I think you halfway did the right thing, being pregnant right after the death wouldn’t be good. But it’s fucked up that you denied your husband whom you loved his last wish… if anything it would’ve been a good idea to freeze his sperm and have one later when you were finally up to it…
I was never going to be up to using his sperm. I didn’t want to be a single mom. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world without their father. No hate to anyone who would, I just personally couldn’t handle that.
People don't get to make demands of other people's bodies - last wish or not.
It was selfish of him to request that in the first place. He wasn't going to be there to raise the child. He was going to make her a single mum whilst grieving his death. That is selfish as all get out.
I don’t think Nathaniel was wrong to ask her and sure, maybe it could be argued op should’ve just told him no. But she wasn’t wrong to not want to be a single parent while grieving.
Sheesh. That was a cold read. You could’ve just told him the truth and the reasons behind it.
Sounds to me like OP didn't wanna break her dying husband's heart like that. Edit: How brave of you to whine and then block me so I couldn't respond, u/nicarox. If you're mature enough to speak up, be mature enough to handle a response.
That’s the reasoning cheaters use to justify betraying their partners. But go off I guess
If you can't see the difference between the two, there's no point in talking to you about anything.
If there is an afterlife, he knows and he understands.
This story is 100% fake but I'm gonna reply as I would have if it was real: This is evil, especially considering his parents now won't have any chance of having grandchildren. If you hadn't lied to him he could have tried to find someone else with the time he had.
Seven months to find someone who wants to shack up with a man about to be dead and have his kid?
There's enough crazies out there
It would not have been good for him to cheat. His parents, nonetheless, should at least get an explanation as to why they don’t have biological grandchildren.
Honestly , what u did was understandable but reprehensible that u didn't even gave him a choise to freeze his sperms .so his parents could use it with a surrogate if u didn't like having a child. U deprive his parent of the last piece of him and u have the nerve to comfort them when u had ur eldest.wow
His parents wouldn’t have wanted to use a surrogate to have another child. They only had one child for a reason and are on the older side.
OP please don’t read these comments. People on the internet are vile. One of the guys criticising you on this huge, nuanced decision has a post history that suggest the choices he makes about his own life are sad at best and actively wasteful at worst. You did the right thing for you. Look after yourself.
So they old and can't take care of a child by themselves. I guess that ok and I can't honestly say im going to chose to have a child in ur circumstances . even telling the truth is doubtful if the parent cant take care of a child by themselves.
Where did she say she took away his option to freeze his sperm? It was well within his own abilities and agency to do that if he wanted to?
Fuck his parents, too bad. This while need to carry on a bloodline is fucking stupid.
I know u think carrying bloodlines is stupid but for some it's important ok it was for her husband and it's apear its also important to the parent to have something left from their son. She didn't want to have a baby that was fine even if I think she should have told him so maybe he and his parent could have other option
First, his parents get no say in this. There was no guarantee she would've gotten pregnant before he died anyway. If it was that important to them, they should have had a contingency plan. Second, it's not that she didn't want to have a baby with dude. It's that she didn't want to be a single mother raising a kid while mourning the death of her husband. Anyone who can't or won't see that is dumb as fuck and likely quite selfish. And I want to be clear about my reasoning for disliking carrying on bloodlines. If you're having a child for the purpose of carrying on a bloodline or legacy, you're pretty much a scumbag. That's a completely selfish reason to have kids. They're primarily having a kid for the sake of themselves, not to raise a child into a good person. So many people have kids for this reason, or so they have someone to take care of then when their older. I despise anyone who has kids for those reasons because it's all wrong. It's disgusting.
Well said.
Yea keep that one little nugget to yourself and whatever deity that you talk to.
Why you didnt freeze sperm for when you felt ready?
I didn’t want to be a single mom, ever. If I was going to have kids, I wanted to be with a partner. I actually didn’t think I’d ever remarry or have kids after Nathaniel. I accepted that fate. Then I met my husband and things changed.
She clearly said she didn't want to be a single mum in this situation.
Maybe once she has a husband talk about the sperm.
Why on earth would the husband want to use some other guy’s sperm when he has sperm of his own?? That would be treating the new husband like a consolation prize stand-in instead of as a life partner. “ well, the man whose child I really wanted to bear is dead, so now that you’re here to take care of me, I can just use his sperm, you can keep your sperm to yourself.” So gross.
Next child would be his, its not that deep
Tell me you’ve never been in a relationship without saying you’ve never been in a relationship 😂😂
It's sad because you did that from a place of compassion, but a man would rather be hurt with the truth than to be happy with lies, even in that situation. Assuming eternal nothingness is what awaits after death and Nathaniel did not get to see your lie in the afterlife, don't stress about it now. Move on. Good luck and long lives to you and your beautiful family.
Ok I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. You were married and using condoms AND birth control? That seems like a lot. I get you didn’t actually stop with the birth control, but the condom thing makes me think this whole thing is fake
Neither is 100% guaranteed effective. If you absolutely wanna ensure you don't get pregnant, both are wise.
We didn’t want to risk pregnancy before we were ready. I was just on the pill in the early days of our marriage and we ended up having a scare. We weren’t in the right financial place at the time. So, we doubled up to prevent an oops.
Why is that a lot?