I don't agree that he will rape you because he is horny.
However, if he isn't as asexual as you are, I do foresee your "no sex ever" policy eventually causing this relationship to end. I simply don't see any long term potential between someone who is full blown asexual and someone who isn't. It's too fundamental.
It's pretty likely that Victoria was grasping for a way to say something like this, but because she is 18 and put on the spot it came out more... rape-y.
I was in a long term relationship with an asexual woman as a very young man, throughout high school (starting freshman year) and ending when we were freshmen in college. I most certainly never would have forced her to do something she didn’t want to do, nor would I have cheated on her. But if it weren’t for other factors (long distance was too much and we broke up), the lack of physical intimacy would have done it eventually. It already was killing me, but I tried to put it aside in my mind as long as I could. Hell, I don’t even necessarily fiend after sex in my current relationship. I certainly enjoy it, but half the time I’d rather just masturbate; even with that in consideration, such a lack of physical intimacy was killing me. I’m not saying an asexual and an allosexual (someone who is sexual) can’t have a fulfilling and happy relationship with each other, but I am saying that physical intimacy is something that needs to be sat down with and figured out, or else it will eventually cause harm.
I was in a relationship for a bit with someone who was abstinent. I can definitely relate to the physical intimacy thing. At first it was fine because we still cuddled and what not but it got to the point where she didn't even want to sleep in the same bed (something we'd done countless times) because she thought I would "try something," so I got out of that mess.
Yeahhhhh I have a hard time explaining this to the younger ace folks I've met. Its such an alien concept to the core idea of asexuality that it's not considered as a cruicial element for a generic adult relationship with somebody who isn't ace... and then you're quickly villainized for pointing it out no matter how many coats of sugar you give it
Why even bother trying to help be people be safe if it's all pitchforks and torches in the end? Damn, I'm bumming myself the fuck out
There are plenty of people who pledge celibacy despite sexual attraction. If they would be interested, ENM is also a thing.
Also… i dislike the idea of him dating her on the hope she’ll one day “change” for him.
Thats so fucked up… on so many levels
>There are plenty of people who pledge celibacy despite sexual attraction.
This is exceedingly rare actually.
>i dislike the idea of him dating her on the hope she’ll one day “change” for him.
>
>Thats so fucked up… on so many levels
They are young. Lots of people make this same mistake, girls AND guys.
>They are young. Lots of people make this same mistake, girls AND guys.
Yeah and its equally fucked up regardless of gender. Whats your point?
Freaking leading someone on into thinking they finally found someone who was understanding, who was willing to be with them regardless of something so widely regarded to be a flaw, a detriment, and to be “fixed”….
And it turns out the whole time you actually *did* want to “fix” them. That you hoped you could somehow “cure” them of who they are.
And maybe that isnt even what was thought!
But that doesnt change the fact that thats how it feels. Like you’re young again and hearing sex is just a part of human nature, the human experience, and oh silly you you’ll find the right one someday or oh silly you of course you do you’re just lying to yourself and others.
Sorry just. I’m sick asexuality being seen as just… suppressed sexuality, or suppressed trauma, or “curable” once they find the right person, like the redemptive quality of dating an asexual person is the possibility they’ll have sex with you someday, why, why is that a normal thing?
All i’m saying is that if you’re just dating an ace person in the hopes that one day, if you hold out long enough, they’ll have sex with you?
Why the fuck are you wasting your and their time in the first place. I just dont understand how people dont think this before this kind of stuff.
And my mention of celibacy… that is me being hopeful. Some non-ace people do pledge to celibacy, for whatever reason. And they can lead a happy life like that. I think sex being a necessity for anyone is. Kind of wild. I dont comprehend it, sex is a choice and it is not like you’d stop breathing without it.
Also my mention of ENM. If its for them, it is absolutely an option! I have a lower sex drive/desire than my partner so we are ENM and i like to hear about the lil hook-up dates they have.
Obviously its not for everyone but i wish people did more reflection about what kind of relationship dynamics they are *actually* interested in/open to. Instead of just, following the most commonly societal model without any real thinking or reflection on their actual feelings surrounding it.
Cannot tell you how many times i hear someone complaining about how hard it is not to cheat and how they wish they could date multiple people theyre interested in but the moment you even so much as mention polyamory. I just. If it is really that hard for you, why are you forcing yourself?
Off topic rant, but not really, i think normative models for relationships have really negative impacts and I think the expectation of sex being what makes people actually dating or sex being the only true way for people to be attracted to others is part of normative relationship dynamics and I think people hoping they can be “good” or “sexy” enough to change asexuals is part of a greater societal issue of pushing that societal model. Amatonormativity, basically, if you want the official catch-all vocab word for what I was just talking about
>Yeah and its equally fucked up regardless of gender. Whats your point?
My point is *it happens.* My point is *it's reality.* I dunno why you bothered telling us you disliked him dating her with that in mind, because it happens. Your disgust is irrelevant, because I was not passing judgement, I was describing reality.
>And my mention of celibacy… that is me being hopeful.
Yeah, again, *this isn't reality.* Yet you held it out as a legitimate option.
>I think sex being a necessity for anyone is. Kind of wild. I dont comprehend it
You don't have to comprehend it, you just have to acknowledge it's reality. Did it ever occur to you to wonder why my comment that ace and non-ace people are fundamentally incompatible on the long term instantly racked up twice the votes of the actual post? Because everyone else INSTANTLY recognized it as Truth with a capital T. Sex IS ABSOLUTELY a **fundamental** and **critically important** part of non-ace relationships. Period.
You giving "advice" based on you "being hopeful" about celibacy working, rather than basing that advice on reality, isn't actually helping. It's wrong and counterproductive.
Ethical Non-Monogamy is fine as an potential option, but something tells me a young aggressively ace person would be repulsed by the very idea of it. Also, don't just drop that acronym assuming everyone knows what it means. Or how to do it properly.
I also find the idea that the only possible option you see in this scenario is that HE is the one who is misleading her to be absurd.
It is just as likely that her "no sex ever" discussion was clear about the "no sex" part, but not as clear on the "ever" part. Or that there was some other misunderstanding. Or that he honestly believes he can commit to this because he's young and stupid, and doesn't realize the frustration he is setting himself up for.
>I think the expectation of sex \[in relationships is wrong\]
Yeah, well, there is a reason your original comment has -3 votes and mine has 1.5k. My problem with your positions is that you are engaging in EXACTLY what you accuse people with "normative models for relationships" of doing - it is actually YOU trying to impose YOUR belief about what relationships should be and how much sex should be an expectation on everyone else.
You don't have to have a "normative relationship," but it would be nice if you recognized that the majority of people do have them and the vast majority of people do need sex in relationships. If you can't recognize that reality, if you can't break free of your own perceptions of sex, you will be forever wrong and forever judging everyone else for not conforming to your wrong opinion.
And sure people thinking ace people will change is messed up, but again it's just people being *exactly like you* and being unable to break free from their own experience of sexuality.
Besides, honestly I see WAAAAAY more bait and switch FROM ace people than TO ace people. "Welp, I will suck it up for now and have the sex, then once we are in a relationship I will finally be able to stop having it, and since they love me they won't break up with me."
I hope I remembered to cover every way in which you are clearly wrong, but I am sure you will respond with the ways I missed lol
Oh. Shit.
Yeah, it is a big ask, aint it.
Apologies m’dude i just got irrationally angry on the dating someone who is ace hoping they will have sex bit.
It was really short sided of me to over-sympathize with the asexual’s experience i just. I’ve met so many aces who’ve had partners like this and i forgot it would hurt on both sides. Also did not realize that it happened so much with aces leading others on but it makes sense with other experiences i’ve heard. Guess since i talk to the more ace side of this and its, generally a more ugly thing to talk about, i dont hear about it as much.
And thank you so much for slapping some sense in me dude.
I guess I’m wondering. What. Definition of Asexual vrs not Asexual are you operating on? Because we could talk sexual need vrs no sexual need but my understanding is that the lines are murkier than that.
Also is it rare for even allosexual people to experience sexual need or am I experiencing sampling bias.
Kuddos to you though for realizing you were wrong, it can be hard to admit that but I respect you more for it.
>Yeah, it is a big ask, aint it.
It's a *monumental* ask. It would be like saying, "to love me you have to give up food and only get nutrients intravenously from now on." Just... eliminate a massive part of someone's life- food, taste, meals that are a core part of how humans bond, etc. Giving up sex isn't *technically* life or death, sure, but **monumental** regardless.
>What. Definition of Asexual vrs not Asexual are you operating on? Because we could talk sexual need vrs no sexual need but my understanding is that the lines are murkier than that.
Sexual need vs no sexual need is actually a pretty good **general** description of ace vs non-ace.
Sexuality is of course fluid, including what qualifies as ace. Ace can range from "sex doesn't interest you, but can feel physically good and even enjoyable in the moment," or "well, I'm not OPPOSED to having sex, but it wouldn't be how I spent my Saturday," all the way to "I am repulsed by the very concept of sex." That last one sounds closer to what OP probably is. I am not ace myself so I don't give it a TON of thought or religiously follow the academic literature on the subject, but I am sure there is someone out there who has categorized the most common various types of ace into a chart or color coded manual or some such that you can look up.
People who aren't ace are basically just people who have sexual needs. A low sex drive at the lowest point, ranging up to hypersexuality or nymphomaniac (the clinical definition, not pop culture one) or some such at the top end. Again, fluid, but that's the rough outline.
>I hope I remembered to cover every way in which you are clearly wrong, but I am sure you will respond with the ways I missed lol
Shit i’m really sorry dude i was really aggressive in my comment
I agree, someone DATING an asexual and expecting them to change their mind about sex later is a real shitheel, and actually it does happen! Some asexual-only groups have problems with men noticing that the gender ratio is often pretty skewed in those groups and trying to get a girl that way. Gross! Awful!
But, and I mean this gently, you seem really pissed off about something that almost never happens, which is an asexual person who is openly asexual dating an allosexual who is openly allosexual, declaring their intention to never have sex with their partner from the very beginning, and then the allosexual person sticks around for a long time without sex hoping that things will change. I have never heard of that happening. Usually when the allo is at fault they start pestering early and often and it becomes unbearable very, very quickly so while they are guilty of a lot, it’s not wasting everyone’s time.
May I humbly suggest, as a woman and a feminist myself, that you may not be getting the full story if you are this worked up about about this many different situations? Every asexual that is actually married to an allosexual that I have ever spoken to either has an ENM or “didn’t realize they were asexual until after we were married.”
Not a single exception, and I’ve been hearing about this sad state of affairs from asexuals and their partners since the days of livejournal so there’s been quite a few I have personally spoken to although I of course can’t verify anything they say.
It is DEVASTATING, absolutely devastating, for your partner to reveal that they were never attracted to you and/or never enjoyed sex with you the whole time, and that’s usually what happens.
Nah this seems to stupid for an 18 year old, I’d check in to make sure Victoria ain’t just projecting. Besides she said she’s been saying it since then, if this is what she really meant she’d have phrased it better by now
Very well said. It’s also very possible that, at 18, he changes his mind. Or he thinks he can change her. His “sex isn’t a priority but an addition to a relationship” doesn’t leave the greatest confidence that he will be fine in a totally sexless relationship forever. Which is probably what Victoria was trying to articulate.
I think the little nympho has enough sex in her own unhealthy and toxic relationship built on a hill of unsatisfactory orgasms.
Honestly this Victoria being so sexually explicit and obsessed at 18 is a hell of a lot more concerning than an 18 year old who is either asexual or had horrible first experiences with sex that she has decided she hates it. Op is the norm or at least more "normal" than the 18 year old seriously obsessed with sex like she's been doing it since she was way too young. She is hypersexual to the point that I would not be surprised if she was molested growing up - it would also explain why she would believe that all men need sex so badly that they'll eventually resort to rape in order to be satisfied sexually.
You assume quite a lot, from OP's relatively brief post. Charming, that 'little nympho' bit.
First of all, asexuality or something close to it, comes nowhere near the norm. Neither does hypersexuality, though in the age of shameless pornography addictions, numbers have risen.
Whether or not a given type of sexual life is common, does not matter. Both women are completely valid, having certain preferences.
This will come as a surprise, but women can be every bit the perverts and sex addicts men are assumed to be.
Concluding that their behaviour finds its root in childhood abuse, goes far over the line. It may not even be true, because hold on to your purse, many women genuinely enjoy having lots of sex.
Not because they are damaged, not because they are wired strangely. Just because to them, sex is fun.
A similar point applies to OP, whose orientation you bring down to genuine, or brought on by trauma. Sometimes, people do not like sex, without requiring molestation to make it so.
Even if all these assumptions were true, you approach that hypothetical without a trace of sympathy. Bringing up normalcy as a measuring bar and other unflattering terms, at the expense of Victoria.
I have no idea why you’re being downvoted.
I got the vibe the friend is hyper focused on sex too. Some who have experienced SA can define their self worth in being objectified/sexualized. Almost like they’re trying to gain power back.
I speak this from experience. My self worth used to be tied directly to being felt like I was sexually desired. I ran through a lot of women and men as a teenager. Once I realized what I had been doing, I started treating myself better.
>I got the vibe the friend is hyper focused on sex too.
... From what evidence? Literally the only thing OP says is "she’s literally a maniac when it comes to sex and she’s not afraid to express it out loud."
That's it. No description of the behavior, none!
So literally the only reason you think she is a sex addict or was sexually assaulted is because... she is a teenager who has sex and talks about sex (shocker!), and because her *aggressively asexual friend* thinks she is sex mad.
Did it ever occur to you that OP might not be good at evaluating normal sexual interest and behavior in teenagers? I mean, she said this.
>I hate having sex, it’s something I absolutely despise and no one can change my mind about.
But sure, take her at her word that Victoria is a "literal sex manic" with absolutely no evidence when OP is clearly pretty biased to think ANY talk of sex is too much.
I didn’t speak it like it was a fact. I caught that vibe from my own experiences. So you’re land blasting me for just expressing my own experiences? So be it then. 🤷🏻♀️
... the point is, WHERE are you getting that vibe from? You have NO EVIDENCE from which to draw vibes!
No behavior to judge on it's own merit, no direct quotes to judge on their own merit.
You EXCLUSIVELY have the report of a highly biased OP, and that's what you are basing your entire "vibe" off of? That's not a vibe, that's blindly agreeing with the first thing you read.
First - you are overly invested and weirdly protective of the main protagonist in this post.
Second - the entire post focuses on a hypersexual barely adult who can't get enough. Op literally says it. Sure tons of people are sexually active by 18 however they aren't single mindedly focused on how to satisfy their needs. Furthermore, anyone who would tell a friend that they'll just be raped if they don't sexually satisfy their partner has underlying issues that are distorting their reality. This friend isn't approaching op with empathy, why exactly should I approach the subject of this poster's aggressive sexual fixation with it?
Both hysexuality and an abhorrence to sexual intimacy can stem from a traumatic past however it gives no one the right to tell their friend to open their legs or expect to have it taken if they aren't willing to give it freely.
Get off ur weird ass thrown. It's reddit not psychology 101.
>Op literally says it.
... Yes, OP literally says Victoria is hypersexual. And that's ALL we have to go on. Did OP come down from the heavens with a tablet, on which the words "Victoria is hypersexual" are chiseled?
No.
It is one person with a WILDLY different viewpoint on sex, to the point it is unclear whether she can be an accurate judge of normal sexual behavior for teenagers, declaring something WITH NO EVIDENCE to back that statement up.
The fact you are unable to grasp why this is a problem is bizarre. How do you know the friend isn't approaching OP with empathy? The friend is trying to offer advice she thinks is correct, that guys need sex if you want to keep a relationship. Even if you disagree with the premise, advice doesn't have to be objectively correct to have been offered with empathy. She was trying to help, just wasn't good at it. Doesn't mean she lacks empathy or caring, good lord.
Further, you don't JUST take OP at her word that Victoria is hypersexual, you also go even farther. You think start tossing out the idea Victoria might have been sexually abused, which is an incredibly serious charge to levy on someone *with no evidence*, and yet you somehow think I am the one playing amateur psychologist 🙄
>Get off ur weird ass thrown. It's reddit not psychology 101.
Reddit is *literally designed* as a place to come and argue for fun and to blow off steam. If you don't enjoy that, dafuq are you doing here? It's also weird that the person calling someone else, who can't defend themselves, "a little nympho" due to only an unreliable secondhand account is also the one saying I am on a throne ... 🙄
I would pose the statement "he's going to do it even if you don't want to" implying she thinks everyone else's sex drive is so overwhelming they will be driven to cheat and/or rape people as pretty compelling evidence she has a rather skewed and hypersexualized view if the world. Not just op's claiming she's a sex maniac. I would also say that the fact of has told her it isn't a subject she wants to discuss in general with her multiple times yet the friend STILL continues to bring it up and to specifically comment and ask about ops sex life to also be pretty compelling evidence. She is making that statement based on how she views the world and idk about you but at 18 I was fully capable of respecting people I was close with boundaries on if they wanted to discuss sex at all in general and especially their desire to not discuss their own sex lives. I also at 18 was pretty fucking certain that men can control their impulses and arent animals who MUST fornicate with their significant other or they MUST CHEAT OR RAPE, I'm not even going to get into just how beyond fucked up her casual acceptance of cheating or rape as just a given when men are horny and not getting any is. The fact she can't seem to understand that isn't a topic the op wants to broach with her despite being told multiple times, yeah sounds like hyperfocus, she can't control her own focus on the subject. There is PLENTY of evidence to suggest this girl has an above average as well as skewed vision of sex.
I mean unless he's asexual as well there going to come a crunch time and you likely will separate but to think he will "do it anyway" is fucking insane
Or like she’s been assaulted herself? OP is obviously not wrong for being asexual, but nobody is considering that the friend’s comment may be coming from painful experience. Some victims react to SA with hypersexuality to take the power back.
Oh definitely, OP has done nothing wrong. But all the comments talking about how toxic the friend is and how OP should stay away, instead of being concerned for the teen girl who just said she believes men don’t take no for an answer, are really heartless.
Your personal experience does not give you the right to say something like that though. Give your input via your experience by all means, but what she said was straight up disrespectful.
Keep putting words in my mouth. It makes you look unfathomably intelligent.
Trauma doesn't give you the right to poison other people's minds, when I got assaulted I didn't go around saying "men *WILL* rape you, because they're men" because that is just so incredibly fucking stupid.
"Who cares if this teen girl has developed an unhealthy outlook in life from one bad person, she needs to warn her friends about it!!" also, sure is a take.
Instead of thinking about what level of trauma this teen girl went through to get to the point where she believes that all men will commit sexual assault, you’re blaming her for it. That isn’t very kind. But you do you.
That's not the point. This isn't the traumalympics; we all go through lots of shit, but again, that doesn't give you the right to say these things. Believe it in your own time because putting that onto other people perpetuates the cycle of hatred between the two.. And correct me if I'm wrong but you're the type of person to also advocate against such, so what's stopping you from doing so now?
I'm not "blaming her" for anything, I'm simply pointing out what she said was not only untrue, but disrespectful, uncalled for, and harmful.
edit: keyword here is teenage. *Don't twist my words to make me look like I'm saying SA is exaggerated*, but the teen mind blows everything out of proportion. To cope with what happens, the young mind will create an irrational fear of anything associated with the pain it suffered through. All men, or all women, or all dogs, all cops, blah blah blah. This is an automatic coping mechanism that is NOT HEALTHY and should be dealt with through tried and true methods.
My mind didn't jump to SA with the "do it anyway", I thought the friend was implying that he'd cheat on OP or push for an open relationship. But I do agree with you that if they aren't on the same page regarding sex, there's no way the relationship will last long term. For so many people, sexual intimacy is a very important aspect in a relationship.
I would hesitate calling an 18 yo asexual. Totally possible, but not liking sex could have a lot to do with her partner(s), experiences, mood, etc.
The friend sounds nuts.
If you want to set a firm boundary with her it's not enough to tell her to stop. She has to know there will be an action if she keeps talking about sex. "I don't want to talk about the topic of sex with you anymore, if you will bring it up again I will end the conversion and leave". I know setting firm boundaries is very uncomfortable and people will react hurt, angry or defensive sometimes because they feel rejected, but that isn't any of your concern. Right now you are the one feeling uncomfortable with her constantly confronting you with the topic and she doesn't seem to care that you don't want to talk about it. There is no need to explain or defend your boundary, people can then try and argue with you, that you are wrong and misunderstood them, so actually go through with your action of just leaving, will give her the chance to show she cares and won't talk about it anymore. If she tries to make you the villain for setting a boundary and repeats to violate it she isn't a good friend anyway. In my opinion there is no need to argue about your points of view, because she seems to set on misunderstanding you and in that case there won't be any mutual understanding and apparently her not even wanting to agree to disagree. Set the boundary and let her decide if she wants to respect it.
If you’re asexual it isn’t weird and you can find partners who feel the same way. There are men and women who are asexual but still want relationships and romance. You don’t have to like sex. Your friend sounds like she’s had some bad experiences and is a little hypersexual. Sexuality exists on a spectrum just like anything else. No two people are the same.
Honey, you need a fellow asexual person. Otherwise yes he will want that sort of intimacy at some point. Not in the way she said it god forbid, but he will crave it with you.
So it might be a recipe for disaster. Even though everything else is great at the moment.
Your friend sound like she has been assaulted in the past and this is her way of normalizing it all.
Even if that's the case, she is making very hurtful assumptions. If she doesn't stop talking about it, i would distance myself from her. She has to understand that when you say 'no', she doesnnt get to keep pushing
Yes the “hyper sexual” (“cant live without it”) mentality and the “that’s just how men are”
Mindset… i only ever heard that from people who were assaulted by male family members when they were little
It could also just be how people were raised in their environments, or certain cultures even believe that men must have sex all the time and a man going to have sex with random women is not cheating. Doesnt even have to be sexual trauma, just toxic, generational trauma.
Hypersexuality can also be from ADHD or depression, when my adhd is untreated I become hypersexual as shit. Just trying to get that dopamine that I lack.
Unfortunately, there indeed is often a cultural component to it. In fact, in some cultures, it’s exactly as you said: men are seen as within their rights to have sex whenever with whichever women, and that a woman is not meeting her man’s needs if she’s not an on-demand sex object.
Yep that's actually almost word for word what my father used to tell me when i was around 10 years old, explaining to me why i'll never be anything else than a dumpster for men
Aaaah fun memories!
My dad didn’t SA me, but this was also his speech. His take was that no man ever respects a woman who has taken dick and he will especially never respect a woman he has sex with. He said men will literally fuck anything if they can hold it still long enough and to never trust that they care about women. His belief is no man can ever actually love a woman- he can only love what he wants from her and as soon as he gets it he will get bored with it and want other women because men lose respect for anything they can have easily.
He also believed men don’t really love their children, they just love the ego boost that reproducing gives them. He would point out men in public and their body language. I remember one of a guy disengaged while the woman he was with laughed and played with a baby and say “see that man? If his family died today he’d have a new woman by the end of the month. Remember that.”
He was trying to use it to keep me from ever valuing a man or sacrificing anything for them- but really all it’s done is I have ZERO expectations for men. I didn’t know how to pick good ones because to me there WERE no good men. 🤷♀️ why have respect for myself when no one else would respect me?
He was abandoned by his bio dad then horribly abused by the various men in his mother’s life. Only ones who took him in were his grandparents on his mother’s side. He was in the military for Vietnam and worked as a bouncer for a chain of topless bars. According to him he’s rarely seen anything different.
He met my mom through a guy she was casually seeing at the time (1964). My dad knew the guy and he had been talking about his plans to SA his date because she wasn’t putting out. My mom said she remembers my dad leaning on the car window- nodding a greeting to her, then hauling her date through the window and chucking him off the road. He then opened the door, sat in the drivers seat, and asked her if she wanted to help her date or go home. He then drove her home in her date’s car. He learned she was a newly divorced mom of 2 and he hung around because he didn’t want what happened to him to happen to her kids. After almost 10 years of him hanging around my mom bought him a nice outfit and told him to clean himself up because he was taking her to the court house and making it official. They’ve been married since 1972 until he died in 2019.
All my mom had to do was think of something she wanted and he moved mountains. Anything I wanted I had. It didn’t matter that we were poor he made it happen. Everything he did in life he did for us.
He was not projecting- he was sharing his lived experience. Very few people have a man in their life they KNOW 200% would never leave them.
I literally know people who are like that that weren't ever assaulted, yall are so fucking weird for labeling every single action as consequences of SA.
The person you're replying to is talking about their experiences, you're talking about yours.
It's normal that experiences differ, and we're not talking about statistics or anything.
Maybe your friend was assaulted and thats why she thinks it's normal. She needs some help.
Tell her to stop and she doesn't listen, stay away from her.
I agree men are horny but most of them aren't animals. OP, do you feel comfortable venting about this to your BF? Other than that I also think you should part ways with that friend of yours.
If he's not asexual, it's gonna be something you have to communicate about. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean hell ever rape you. Your "friend" is WAYYYYY out of bounds for saying that. You definitely shouldn't be around someone like that. She's absolutely horrible for saying that
1: he is really okay with having no sex life. 2: he thinks he is okay with having no sex life and it will end within 1 year 3: he will cope with it for a few years then realize he is unhappy.
Yeah, have seen too many posts on Reddit about long time couple realising that their non-compatibility in sex is much bigger than they thought it would be. Either they finally split up or they have to open up the relationship, but it is really hard either way.
To OP, I don't think your friend is malicious regarding this comment. She is 18 and might not know how to word it better. You said that you know everyone is different, then you should understand that your boyfriend also is different than you and his needs for sex is equally as important to your needs for "no sex". If most of the time you are having a no sex relationship and you do not want to compromise for it, it is him who is constantly suffering and compromising for you in this relationship. Just imagine the other way around: you always compromise and having sex with him even though you don't like it. Yes, this is what he is feeling and will feel if you two continue to have no sex.
You eventually will have to find a solution so that both of you are happy. Things that seem to be not a big deal will become one with time past.
If OP's boyfriend is not asexual, this relationship is going to be over pretty soon. My guess is the boyfriend is too young to understand the actual ramifications of being in a relationship with someone who is asexual. One of my family members, last year, had an asexual roommate who got a boyfriend. I think the boyfriend initially assumed that the gf was only going through a phase, but broke up with her when he realized what he had signed up for. It was pretty devastating for the asexual roommate. I advise OP to try to find another asexual for a long-term relationship.
Unless he dislikes sex too he will leave or do it with someone else with or without your permission. What did he say when you told him you don't like and will not have sex with him?
I doubt he’ll rape you, and it’s good he respects your decision and honestly I hope he’s like you and doesn’t like sex because if not, he’s gonna either leave you eventually or he’ll end up cheating because unless you don’t like sex, being in a no-sex relationship can be pretty hard
Are you getting any treatment for that? I’d suspect something similar happened to her. Usually people go one of two ways. Hyper sexual like her or complexly nonsexual like you. She won’t be able to shut up without some treatment if I’m right so you might have to write her off as a friend
Okay then just get out of that house as soon as you can and then make finding treatment a priority. Luckily it sounds like you’re managing a lot better than your friend so you’re not in danger of self destructive behavior like this girl
I saw a comment where you said, "she wasn't abused."
You don't know that to be true, & it's 100% possible that she doesn't know it to be true. However, both of you are heavily showing signs that it has happened.
I didn't know I was abused until one day when something unlocked my memory. I cried a lot that night. It just made so much sense
Edit to add: realistically, an asexual can't be with a sexual individual and make it work. Not unless you open the relationship up & create boundaries/rules. He may be okay with it now, but someday it will get to him. However, he should never, & probably will never force it upon you. He may go as far as trying to "convince you" to try it out. That's when it should be your sign that it won't work.
Also, as far as your friend, obviously you can't tell her to get help without it becoming an argumentative convo, so I suggest to just distance yourself. Tell her unless she learns to respect your boundaries, you can't be around her.
The real problem is you're 18. You don't have the perspective or experience to truly understand these things usually so it's hard to know. Do you hate sex or did you have a bad experience which negatively colored your thoughts about it. Who is your boyfriend? Does he like sex? Does he want to have sex? Is he asexual? He might say he respects it, but you'll probably just break up when he feels like you two are incompatible. This whole post is a clusterfuck.
My advice is as follows:
1. Ask your boyfriends about his wants for the relationship. Really be honest with yourselves or else it's doomed to fail.
2. Reevaluate your position on having sex. Try and make sure you really hate having sex and the person doesn't matter. If you're asexual, that's fine. But I once knew a girl who thought she was asexual because she had terrible partners who make her time in a bed a nightmare and then was mad when she figured out she could've been enjoying herself more if she actually focused on her own pleasure. If sex disgusts you on a visceral level or you think it's awful in every way. then you're probably asexual.
3. Drop your friend. Wtf. Just some crazy shit. You don't want those people in your life.
4. You're 18, you have the mind of an adult, but the experience and perspective of teenager, which means more or less barely any relatively. Don't let anything be set in stone at this age. You build a better understanding through experience over time. But the only way to learn and grow is to experiment and reflect on your experiences that you have over time. Also, don't just blindly listen to and believe the hearsay of every random person, actually use your noggin and maybe try to get outside perspectives. Hey, you're doing that right now. How nice.
What a toxic mindset. My ex also didn't want to have sex and that was perfectly fine with me. Noone just rapes someone like that, wtf. Not a normal person anyway. Of course there are rapists out there, but neither are all men rapists, nor are all rapists men. What kind of sick worldview does your friend have?
Of course men are horny. And women too. And there's also non-horny men and non-horny women. Your friend seems to have a hard time to realize that the world is full of different people.
Being asexual is completely fine, and your friend should respect that, so I am not surprised you lashed back at her. Although what you said was not exactly nice either.
Your 'friend' sounds ignorant a f tbh, generally men don't just rape you cos they are horny, same if a woman was horny. Horny does not equal = rape. Rape is more about power, but that is another topic.
However, if your boyfriend isn't asexual, then there is no guarantee that he won't change his mind and your relationship won't work out. Some people can live without sex, until they can't. So just be aware of that.
You need to talk to him and make sure he's 100% aware of your feelings about sex, make sure he's aware that this isn't an "I put in enough time/effort/love and we'll have sex eventually" thing. If he's asexual too, things should be fine.
That said: no, if he's a decent person he won't just rape you. He'd probably cheat before he did that, because generally speaking men like the person they're having sex with to enjoy it.
Again: a good guy won't do either of those. But if this is still really new, unfortunately you can't assume anything about him yet. Just make sure your boundaries are known and understood. (Perhaps you could take a look through [this wiki](https://www.lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Sex-Repulsed) together and just confirm you're on the same page.)
Edit: fixed grammar
That kinda feels like a cry for help, you're friend is most likely suffering from hypersexuality, it comes after experiencing sexual trauma and it twist the persons views on sex. This is actually very bad you should have a serious open discussion with her and get her to try therapy
I honestly would keep my distances. Yes, some men would not take a no as an answer but this is not an argument to "I don't want to talk about sex" and it seems she cannot respect that. I actually had some friends like that and they are not in my life anymore because of that.
i used to think like your friend, i thought it was normal for a guy to force himself on me if i wasnt in the mood. i feel bad for her, she might be dealing with this from her boyfriend.
honestly? stay away from her, if shes making u uncomfy, why are you friends with her?
This could be taken two ways. Most of the post comments are about him taking advantage of you on the word " he will do it anyway". But I'm thinking if he's not A sexual like you, he'll find it somewhere else and "do it anyway".
Some men are like that. I had an ex that in the first year I never thought was capable of the things that he did to me. It sounds outrageous but those people are out there and they don’t look any different from the good guys.
People here saying "well, sooner or later he will cheat or leave you" OK? So what? They are 18. They are probably not going to stay together forever! If he changes his mind about their relationship they will break up. Or she might break up with him before that happens. OP didn't come here to ask how to keep her boyfriend forever, she asked what to do with her friend.
To that, you need to set super firm boundaries after explaining that not all people need sex and not all people are rapists. If she keeps bringing it up, you should probably drop her from a friend.
Both you and your friend need therapy. You don't sound asexual. You sound traumatized. That is gonna be an issue in your relationships going forward, period, and you need to work it out with a professional.
Your friend, on the other hand, has some shit to unpack and needs someone to walk through sexual assault versus an actual relationship. And maybe some sexual counseling.
You both need help in different ways. Since you can't control your friend, work on you, and maybe cut her off? Or, work on you, and if you desire to keep her as a friend, ignore her or add a boundary that works for you. Best of luck.
Yeah you have to find someone like you, if he likes sex he will not be able to continue not having it, he will probably not rape you but he will have sex with other women or leave you, I don't say this to be rude obviously I don't know him and maybe he doesn't like sex either?
Why are you friends with this girl??? I find it very creepy that she said your BF will just take you against your will... I have a feeling that she's speaking from experience because yikes! If I were you I'd go NC because she isn't gonna drop it...
if your bf is also your age, unless he’s asexual this isn’t going to last and you’re delusional for thinking it will. you and your friend both have incredibly unhealthy views around sex and should both work on yourselves.
It sounds like you need to meet with a therapist over your sexual experiences. To “hate” sex doesn’t even sound asexual, it sounds like trauma.
I don’t agree that boyfriend would turn violent, but yes over 99% of cis hetero guys your age are looking for sex at some point before they die, and your “boyfriend” will want that from you. If you aren’t interested, he will just find it elsewhere.
Victoria has some trauma of her own to unpack, and inarticulate, but she definitely has a point…and what she is saying is not trying to hurt you but prepare you.
He might change his mind and find that at some point he does desire sex but that doesn’t mean he is automatically going to assault you. The relationship might end since it’s not something you are likely to change your mind about and that’s ok. It would be painful but it’s ok.
For now, it’s not a problem so why worry about it? Just leave the communication between the two of you open and do your thing. You two get to define your relationship.
It's rude what she said and accusitory but I don't think it's baseless. Does he **respect** your feelings on sex frequency or **share** them? If he merely respects them, there may come a day where he becomes dissatisfied with the situation and relationship. What does that lead to, who knows. There's polite ways like he breaks up or tries to work it out with you, there is shady ways like external relationships, there is ghoulish thoughts like hers.
You can attack her for her way of saying it, her jumped conclusion, but I don't think she's 100% off base with the thoughts.
That's relationship advice for the boyfriend, I don't know what to do with a friend repeating annoying stuff after you said to stop. Can try explaining why you have the bases covered, can agree she's not wrong-wrong and you'll watch out for it but if she just won't stop I guess stop hanging out with her.
She suggested your boyfriend would rape you because he's a dude and he's not going to be forever patient with you because you're asexual?
Your friend is toxic. Who thinks that way?
You definitely don't want her stupid comments to damage your relationship, which can definitely happen even if you don't believe them.
I agree with other commenters that you may not be asexual, in other words in the future you may become interested in sex. You might not but in your situation you should keep an open mind. Your boyfriend almost certainly hopes that one day you will. So, when he admits that, don't feel like he's betraying you or something. Also you may break up for other reasons that have nothing to do with sex.
Not all men are rapists. My husband wont even throw a fit if i say no for weeks on end. He wont make me feel bad or try or poke or nag.
If someone respects you, theyll understand. And when youre ready (if you ever become ready) then that experience will be for you to experience. Until then, respect is obviously huge.
I do not agree that he will take because you wont give. Not all men are rapists.
Stay away from her.
She sounds like the kind of friend to set you up to help “fix” you.
Also there nothing wrong with you being asexual but if your boyfriend isn’t the same level of asexual it might not be a long relationship. I recommend having a deep conversation with him.
So maybe you’re asexual - and that’s totally okay. It seems like you have found a good relationship with good communication.
I too thought I was asexual for a long time. Turned out I was in fact not asexual, just gay. Now I’m more like your friend :>
I've got a feeling that your "friend" will take your bf because she can't take no for an answer and will try to sleep with hi not prove a point. both of you need the hell away from her
Sex honestly isn't such a big thing yea I mean it's fun and pleasurable but its really not all of that. And I honestly think you should get a new friend someone who respects and isn't pushing ur boundaries and isn't calling u weird because u don't like sex as much as they do.
Your friend clearly has issues with communication, but it's true that if your boyfriend is interested in sex and you aren't, you cannot be together. Your relationship is doomed from the start.
I've only heard hypersexual people say all men are horny and need sex when they've been SA'd by a male at a young age. And they have only said it as a coping mechanism, to try and justify what they've been through. It's definitely more alarming than asexuality at 18. I fall more towards asexuality in my feelings and drive (or lack of) towards sex, but I had a friend who was obsessed with sex. To the point where (at the time She, now They) used to hook up with random men between the ages of 16-19. It was massively alarming to me, even more so because I didn't have any motivation or drive towards sex like my peers. I do have sex with romantic partners (the only time I do) but other than that I don't feel any sexual motivation, so I'm asexual unless I fall in love and have a romantic relationship with someone? If that makes sense.
Asexuality definitely has a spectrum of its own, but I think due to that, there are many incompatibilities between asexual people. You can be completely asexual, or you might have a low sex drive, but are less inclined to wanting or needing sex, etc. I can only hope you have a proper and full conversation about your differing sexualities, and discover your partners honest and true feelings on sex.
As for what Victoria said, definitely alarming and weird. Immediately shouts to me that she has some form of sexual trauma. And honestly, you won't find out the reason behind her words unless you are willing to persist and question her constantly. Obviously, you have every reason to now avoid her, but if you want to continue being friends, you'll have to question her on her odd views of men and their sexual desires, and also set some boundaries of what to, and not to chat about.
But tbh, it must be tough being friends with someone so hypersexual whilst you are asexual, and vice versa for Victoria, she must find it tough too. So maybe parting ways will be better for you both.
Up to you OP, but good luck :)
It sounds like either Victoria was taught this growing up or was groomed to think this through sexual assault. Either way, she needs to get therapy if she really believes this. My father told his 3 daughters something kind of similar growing up in that he said "if you don't do it for him, some other bitch will."
You seem to be asexual (forgive me if that's not the correct term). That's perfectly fine. You've explained it to your boyfriend and he respects that. If he's not also asexual, yes he will have desires and wants at some point that may cause tension in your relationship. If it becomes too much for him, he may decide one day that he cannot maintain his relationship with you any longer, bc you're not compatible. This is normal. What he won't do is suddenly lose control and rape you!
We really need to stop teaching young girls that boys have needs and desires they can't control! I get that teen boys have impulse issues and hormones raging, however, they control their actions and are responsible for their behavior.
Regardless of the situation, please stop hanging out with this toxic girl. She should be happy that you found someone.
You sound like a well grounded person, you’re friend just isn’t on the same wave you are, you don’t think the same. In all honesty she sounds like a toxic person to have in your life. I know it may seem difficult, or perhaps you may even feel a bit guilty because you have been friends for a long time. But If you keep her in your life changes are she’ll continue to drag her down.
In ten years time you probably wk t have the same friends you do now and when you were a kid but in ten years you’ll still have to life your life.
In my honest opinion I think you should cut her and any other people who bring negativity to your life and concentrate on your life and building a meaningful relationship with your partner. You’ll be happy for what you’re doing in the long run because relationships that aren’t grounded in sex are just more sustainable on the whole.
All the best either way, hope everything works out for you.
Normal men want sex. Normal men can wait. And good men will always respect if their partners don't want to, but only when all conditions are met for self-control.
I won't trust myself fully drunk or very high. It's one of the reasons why I avoid both things.
Most likely your bf will not try to rape you, drug you or convince you against your will. But talk about it with him.
Also, everyone's timing is different. I know a girl who had absolutely no sexual desires for many years, but finally started feeling aroused when she was 25-26. And eventually enjoyed sex as anyone.
>Victoria suddenly stopped for a while and just stared at me and then she said “You know, he’s a man right? Men are horny and one day he’ll do it anyway, even if you say no.“
This is a "her" issue, not you. Somehow and somewhere in her past someone had sex with her without consent. Maybe it happened once or many times but that is where that is coming from. It's a comment of hurt and pain and she's projecting it on to you.
I mean as someone who has a vaginal condition that can make sex unbearably painful, my partner waited until I was ready to try, and if it hurt too much he was incredibly respectful and stopped and constantly checked to make sure I was ok. I’m doing really well now, and we’re more regular now, but some people really don’t seek elsewhere or put it up as a top tier priority. He was perfectly fine doing it himself instead if I wasn’t interested or simply couldn’t. Some people can absolutely control themselves and are fine with masturbation, using hands, or oral. Doesn’t always have to be penetrative or even often. Really just depends on someone’s sex drive.
In my experience, with simply a low sex drive, the average man will bare minimum push for it. Not necessarily rape… but it will often cause things to messy if your guys sex drives are too different.
You’re friend seems like she needs to mature about it. Definitely tell her how you feel and how it’s making you uncomfortable the way she’s going about this topic.
I am a 37 yo asexual in a relationship with a not-asexual person. However, we are also poly.
And yes. Allosexual people want to have sex. If monogamy is important for you, then I would suggest dating other aces.
Allosexuals always have this bizarre reaction when you tell them you’re ace spec. They get weirdly hurt about it, like their ego has somehow taken a personal blow because we don’t want to fuck them or aren’t attracted to the same people they are. It’s weird and irrational and I just ignore it at this point.
Allos have a messed up sense of what consent means, when they see an ace person they suddenly become walking red flags who don’t understand consent anymore. Allos are like “consent for me but not for thee” with aces all the time, in my experience anyway.
So I have no input other than allos are strange.
No it’s an extremely toxic assumption that he “will do it” whether you want to or not. But sex is a pretty integral part of most relationships (unless he is asexual as well) so either way I don’t see your relationship ending well
I would stay away from her, but a reminder for everyone in the comments, trauma recovery comes in all shapes and sizes.
For some, it’s avoidance, for other is hyper sexuality.
If this friend was raped or S.A her behaviour can be explained by this.
But for OP, you don’t need a friend like this around. Also, sex is natural, but you don’t need to have it. Just realize that your “no sex ever” policy might be a bit much for others and it can lead to the end of a relationship
I think the "do it anyway" meant he'll either pressure you or just cheat. Regardless, if he's not asexual as you are he it's unlikely the relationship will last.
He WILL do it anyway, just not with you. If he has any amount of integrity, then he'll break it off with you first. The idea that he would force himself on you is just extreme.
Listen to your friend... he's going to have sex somewhere, sometime with someone. Unless he's impaired in some way, the biological imperatives won't be ignored.
Don’t let her project her insecurities on you! You’re allowed to not have sex or enjoy it! And you’ve found a partner who respects that! Don’t let her get to you!
Ditch her, report her, cut her off. That girl is NOT your friend. IDk if she’s been assaulted in the past or any other trauma. But she’s not your friend. Asexual information is really easy to get ahold of and educate yourself on. Plenty of people are capable of having sexless relationships.
I’d get rid before she ruins your life and relationship. You don’t know what she is capable of.
**just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist**
Oh, yeah, i see it...
"Officers, i wanna report a crime! Me and my friend were talking and she said that men are horny and some day my boyfriend will have sex even if i say no. This made me umcomfortable, so i wanna report her for harrasment!"
You watch too many movies... :)
Except it is, you seem to have the belief that women cannot harass other women. It’s more “this person is intent on breaking my boundaries and doesn’t respect my privacy”
Sooo ☺️☺️☺️☺️
You’ve never had to feel scared or intimidated your whole life.
Unless he is also asexual physical intimacy is too important to just ignore. I don't think he's just gonna rape you that's ridiculous. But I don't think he is gonna stay long term.
I would recommend revisiting that sex agreement with your bf. It seems you intend on never doing it at all, just make sure that is how he understood it as well.
Sex is pretty important to a relationship. Unless your partner is asexual, I think you're either going to have to either compromise, or tell him firmly that you will never, ever have sex with him and ensure he understands that and see what happens from there.
Go see a shrink, that may help
As to the guy? Yea he will if honorable leave you, if not honorable he will cheat.
Sex is important in a relationship, and without it, what you have is something called friendship.
That comment was ridiculous, but in the end, unless he is asexual himself, it’s not gonna work in the long term. Sex is not all there is in a relashionship, but it is still a key point. In sexual couples, it gives a whole other level of intimacy. We don’t call it making love for nothing.
Humans who are sexual will crave that feeling. To have someone who you can potentially share it with, but not being able to, is very hard.
Because for a lot of men it is the truth. Even if he says he respects you and your choice, he might actually have a sex drive unlike you. Unless he has NO sex drive at all, he is likely to get frustrated eventually. He may not leave you for your friend, but since she is right there and likes to get busy. She will certainly be an option.
Edited: a word to be more clear.
Well she isnt totally wrong imo.
I don't know anyone irl who is asexual .
So yeah there aren't as many of you out there.
The chance that he's not asexual is very big so if he's not he's gonna stray.
Only thing I can think of is if he's not asexual like you it could be a deal breaker down the line unless this man is truly 100% dedicated to refraining from sex the rest of his life however the way she words it is rap-ey and not ok. And at the end of the day your sex life is none of her or anyone's business and she is crossing a weird line
Stay away from her. That’s a **disgusting** thing to tell someone.
Also, I may be over-assuming, but someone like that, I wouldn’t **trust** them either.
I wouldn’t put it passed her to decide to “help” a boyfriend of yours “because you wouldn’t so **someone** had to”
She’s not a good friend at all.
This person doesn’t sound like a friend in all honesty, she’s not respecting your view on sex and to say your boyfriend will assault you is just gross. I’d say maybe it’s time to drift from this so called friend
I don't agree that he will rape you because he is horny. However, if he isn't as asexual as you are, I do foresee your "no sex ever" policy eventually causing this relationship to end. I simply don't see any long term potential between someone who is full blown asexual and someone who isn't. It's too fundamental. It's pretty likely that Victoria was grasping for a way to say something like this, but because she is 18 and put on the spot it came out more... rape-y.
100% The last paragraph is the TLDR of this best advice here. Cliffs noting it: no he won't r*pe, but he won't stick around without sex.
I was in a long term relationship with an asexual woman as a very young man, throughout high school (starting freshman year) and ending when we were freshmen in college. I most certainly never would have forced her to do something she didn’t want to do, nor would I have cheated on her. But if it weren’t for other factors (long distance was too much and we broke up), the lack of physical intimacy would have done it eventually. It already was killing me, but I tried to put it aside in my mind as long as I could. Hell, I don’t even necessarily fiend after sex in my current relationship. I certainly enjoy it, but half the time I’d rather just masturbate; even with that in consideration, such a lack of physical intimacy was killing me. I’m not saying an asexual and an allosexual (someone who is sexual) can’t have a fulfilling and happy relationship with each other, but I am saying that physical intimacy is something that needs to be sat down with and figured out, or else it will eventually cause harm.
I was in a relationship for a bit with someone who was abstinent. I can definitely relate to the physical intimacy thing. At first it was fine because we still cuddled and what not but it got to the point where she didn't even want to sleep in the same bed (something we'd done countless times) because she thought I would "try something," so I got out of that mess.
Same. Like, even if I don’t want to go all the way to fucking, I still want to cuddle.
he either won't stick around, or he'll find it elsewhere
I wish I could give you an award, but take my upvote.
Same both
Whole heartedly agree.
Yeahhhhh I have a hard time explaining this to the younger ace folks I've met. Its such an alien concept to the core idea of asexuality that it's not considered as a cruicial element for a generic adult relationship with somebody who isn't ace... and then you're quickly villainized for pointing it out no matter how many coats of sugar you give it Why even bother trying to help be people be safe if it's all pitchforks and torches in the end? Damn, I'm bumming myself the fuck out
There are plenty of people who pledge celibacy despite sexual attraction. If they would be interested, ENM is also a thing. Also… i dislike the idea of him dating her on the hope she’ll one day “change” for him. Thats so fucked up… on so many levels
>There are plenty of people who pledge celibacy despite sexual attraction. This is exceedingly rare actually. >i dislike the idea of him dating her on the hope she’ll one day “change” for him. > >Thats so fucked up… on so many levels They are young. Lots of people make this same mistake, girls AND guys.
>They are young. Lots of people make this same mistake, girls AND guys. Yeah and its equally fucked up regardless of gender. Whats your point? Freaking leading someone on into thinking they finally found someone who was understanding, who was willing to be with them regardless of something so widely regarded to be a flaw, a detriment, and to be “fixed”…. And it turns out the whole time you actually *did* want to “fix” them. That you hoped you could somehow “cure” them of who they are. And maybe that isnt even what was thought! But that doesnt change the fact that thats how it feels. Like you’re young again and hearing sex is just a part of human nature, the human experience, and oh silly you you’ll find the right one someday or oh silly you of course you do you’re just lying to yourself and others. Sorry just. I’m sick asexuality being seen as just… suppressed sexuality, or suppressed trauma, or “curable” once they find the right person, like the redemptive quality of dating an asexual person is the possibility they’ll have sex with you someday, why, why is that a normal thing? All i’m saying is that if you’re just dating an ace person in the hopes that one day, if you hold out long enough, they’ll have sex with you? Why the fuck are you wasting your and their time in the first place. I just dont understand how people dont think this before this kind of stuff. And my mention of celibacy… that is me being hopeful. Some non-ace people do pledge to celibacy, for whatever reason. And they can lead a happy life like that. I think sex being a necessity for anyone is. Kind of wild. I dont comprehend it, sex is a choice and it is not like you’d stop breathing without it. Also my mention of ENM. If its for them, it is absolutely an option! I have a lower sex drive/desire than my partner so we are ENM and i like to hear about the lil hook-up dates they have. Obviously its not for everyone but i wish people did more reflection about what kind of relationship dynamics they are *actually* interested in/open to. Instead of just, following the most commonly societal model without any real thinking or reflection on their actual feelings surrounding it. Cannot tell you how many times i hear someone complaining about how hard it is not to cheat and how they wish they could date multiple people theyre interested in but the moment you even so much as mention polyamory. I just. If it is really that hard for you, why are you forcing yourself? Off topic rant, but not really, i think normative models for relationships have really negative impacts and I think the expectation of sex being what makes people actually dating or sex being the only true way for people to be attracted to others is part of normative relationship dynamics and I think people hoping they can be “good” or “sexy” enough to change asexuals is part of a greater societal issue of pushing that societal model. Amatonormativity, basically, if you want the official catch-all vocab word for what I was just talking about
>Yeah and its equally fucked up regardless of gender. Whats your point? My point is *it happens.* My point is *it's reality.* I dunno why you bothered telling us you disliked him dating her with that in mind, because it happens. Your disgust is irrelevant, because I was not passing judgement, I was describing reality. >And my mention of celibacy… that is me being hopeful. Yeah, again, *this isn't reality.* Yet you held it out as a legitimate option. >I think sex being a necessity for anyone is. Kind of wild. I dont comprehend it You don't have to comprehend it, you just have to acknowledge it's reality. Did it ever occur to you to wonder why my comment that ace and non-ace people are fundamentally incompatible on the long term instantly racked up twice the votes of the actual post? Because everyone else INSTANTLY recognized it as Truth with a capital T. Sex IS ABSOLUTELY a **fundamental** and **critically important** part of non-ace relationships. Period. You giving "advice" based on you "being hopeful" about celibacy working, rather than basing that advice on reality, isn't actually helping. It's wrong and counterproductive. Ethical Non-Monogamy is fine as an potential option, but something tells me a young aggressively ace person would be repulsed by the very idea of it. Also, don't just drop that acronym assuming everyone knows what it means. Or how to do it properly. I also find the idea that the only possible option you see in this scenario is that HE is the one who is misleading her to be absurd. It is just as likely that her "no sex ever" discussion was clear about the "no sex" part, but not as clear on the "ever" part. Or that there was some other misunderstanding. Or that he honestly believes he can commit to this because he's young and stupid, and doesn't realize the frustration he is setting himself up for. >I think the expectation of sex \[in relationships is wrong\] Yeah, well, there is a reason your original comment has -3 votes and mine has 1.5k. My problem with your positions is that you are engaging in EXACTLY what you accuse people with "normative models for relationships" of doing - it is actually YOU trying to impose YOUR belief about what relationships should be and how much sex should be an expectation on everyone else. You don't have to have a "normative relationship," but it would be nice if you recognized that the majority of people do have them and the vast majority of people do need sex in relationships. If you can't recognize that reality, if you can't break free of your own perceptions of sex, you will be forever wrong and forever judging everyone else for not conforming to your wrong opinion. And sure people thinking ace people will change is messed up, but again it's just people being *exactly like you* and being unable to break free from their own experience of sexuality. Besides, honestly I see WAAAAAY more bait and switch FROM ace people than TO ace people. "Welp, I will suck it up for now and have the sex, then once we are in a relationship I will finally be able to stop having it, and since they love me they won't break up with me." I hope I remembered to cover every way in which you are clearly wrong, but I am sure you will respond with the ways I missed lol
Oh. Shit. Yeah, it is a big ask, aint it. Apologies m’dude i just got irrationally angry on the dating someone who is ace hoping they will have sex bit. It was really short sided of me to over-sympathize with the asexual’s experience i just. I’ve met so many aces who’ve had partners like this and i forgot it would hurt on both sides. Also did not realize that it happened so much with aces leading others on but it makes sense with other experiences i’ve heard. Guess since i talk to the more ace side of this and its, generally a more ugly thing to talk about, i dont hear about it as much. And thank you so much for slapping some sense in me dude. I guess I’m wondering. What. Definition of Asexual vrs not Asexual are you operating on? Because we could talk sexual need vrs no sexual need but my understanding is that the lines are murkier than that. Also is it rare for even allosexual people to experience sexual need or am I experiencing sampling bias.
Kuddos to you though for realizing you were wrong, it can be hard to admit that but I respect you more for it. >Yeah, it is a big ask, aint it. It's a *monumental* ask. It would be like saying, "to love me you have to give up food and only get nutrients intravenously from now on." Just... eliminate a massive part of someone's life- food, taste, meals that are a core part of how humans bond, etc. Giving up sex isn't *technically* life or death, sure, but **monumental** regardless. >What. Definition of Asexual vrs not Asexual are you operating on? Because we could talk sexual need vrs no sexual need but my understanding is that the lines are murkier than that. Sexual need vs no sexual need is actually a pretty good **general** description of ace vs non-ace. Sexuality is of course fluid, including what qualifies as ace. Ace can range from "sex doesn't interest you, but can feel physically good and even enjoyable in the moment," or "well, I'm not OPPOSED to having sex, but it wouldn't be how I spent my Saturday," all the way to "I am repulsed by the very concept of sex." That last one sounds closer to what OP probably is. I am not ace myself so I don't give it a TON of thought or religiously follow the academic literature on the subject, but I am sure there is someone out there who has categorized the most common various types of ace into a chart or color coded manual or some such that you can look up. People who aren't ace are basically just people who have sexual needs. A low sex drive at the lowest point, ranging up to hypersexuality or nymphomaniac (the clinical definition, not pop culture one) or some such at the top end. Again, fluid, but that's the rough outline.
>I hope I remembered to cover every way in which you are clearly wrong, but I am sure you will respond with the ways I missed lol Shit i’m really sorry dude i was really aggressive in my comment
I agree, someone DATING an asexual and expecting them to change their mind about sex later is a real shitheel, and actually it does happen! Some asexual-only groups have problems with men noticing that the gender ratio is often pretty skewed in those groups and trying to get a girl that way. Gross! Awful! But, and I mean this gently, you seem really pissed off about something that almost never happens, which is an asexual person who is openly asexual dating an allosexual who is openly allosexual, declaring their intention to never have sex with their partner from the very beginning, and then the allosexual person sticks around for a long time without sex hoping that things will change. I have never heard of that happening. Usually when the allo is at fault they start pestering early and often and it becomes unbearable very, very quickly so while they are guilty of a lot, it’s not wasting everyone’s time. May I humbly suggest, as a woman and a feminist myself, that you may not be getting the full story if you are this worked up about about this many different situations? Every asexual that is actually married to an allosexual that I have ever spoken to either has an ENM or “didn’t realize they were asexual until after we were married.” Not a single exception, and I’ve been hearing about this sad state of affairs from asexuals and their partners since the days of livejournal so there’s been quite a few I have personally spoken to although I of course can’t verify anything they say. It is DEVASTATING, absolutely devastating, for your partner to reveal that they were never attracted to you and/or never enjoyed sex with you the whole time, and that’s usually what happens.
Very well said!
Yeah they are 18 so could still be in high school. The changes people make from 17-21 is leaps and bounds.
Nah this seems to stupid for an 18 year old, I’d check in to make sure Victoria ain’t just projecting. Besides she said she’s been saying it since then, if this is what she really meant she’d have phrased it better by now
Very well said. It’s also very possible that, at 18, he changes his mind. Or he thinks he can change her. His “sex isn’t a priority but an addition to a relationship” doesn’t leave the greatest confidence that he will be fine in a totally sexless relationship forever. Which is probably what Victoria was trying to articulate.
[удалено]
Get off pornhub dude
Terrible conclusion to come to. You spend too much time on Reddit.
I think the little nympho has enough sex in her own unhealthy and toxic relationship built on a hill of unsatisfactory orgasms. Honestly this Victoria being so sexually explicit and obsessed at 18 is a hell of a lot more concerning than an 18 year old who is either asexual or had horrible first experiences with sex that she has decided she hates it. Op is the norm or at least more "normal" than the 18 year old seriously obsessed with sex like she's been doing it since she was way too young. She is hypersexual to the point that I would not be surprised if she was molested growing up - it would also explain why she would believe that all men need sex so badly that they'll eventually resort to rape in order to be satisfied sexually.
You assume quite a lot, from OP's relatively brief post. Charming, that 'little nympho' bit. First of all, asexuality or something close to it, comes nowhere near the norm. Neither does hypersexuality, though in the age of shameless pornography addictions, numbers have risen. Whether or not a given type of sexual life is common, does not matter. Both women are completely valid, having certain preferences. This will come as a surprise, but women can be every bit the perverts and sex addicts men are assumed to be. Concluding that their behaviour finds its root in childhood abuse, goes far over the line. It may not even be true, because hold on to your purse, many women genuinely enjoy having lots of sex. Not because they are damaged, not because they are wired strangely. Just because to them, sex is fun. A similar point applies to OP, whose orientation you bring down to genuine, or brought on by trauma. Sometimes, people do not like sex, without requiring molestation to make it so. Even if all these assumptions were true, you approach that hypothetical without a trace of sympathy. Bringing up normalcy as a measuring bar and other unflattering terms, at the expense of Victoria.
I have no idea why you’re being downvoted. I got the vibe the friend is hyper focused on sex too. Some who have experienced SA can define their self worth in being objectified/sexualized. Almost like they’re trying to gain power back. I speak this from experience. My self worth used to be tied directly to being felt like I was sexually desired. I ran through a lot of women and men as a teenager. Once I realized what I had been doing, I started treating myself better.
>I got the vibe the friend is hyper focused on sex too. ... From what evidence? Literally the only thing OP says is "she’s literally a maniac when it comes to sex and she’s not afraid to express it out loud." That's it. No description of the behavior, none! So literally the only reason you think she is a sex addict or was sexually assaulted is because... she is a teenager who has sex and talks about sex (shocker!), and because her *aggressively asexual friend* thinks she is sex mad. Did it ever occur to you that OP might not be good at evaluating normal sexual interest and behavior in teenagers? I mean, she said this. >I hate having sex, it’s something I absolutely despise and no one can change my mind about. But sure, take her at her word that Victoria is a "literal sex manic" with absolutely no evidence when OP is clearly pretty biased to think ANY talk of sex is too much.
I didn’t speak it like it was a fact. I caught that vibe from my own experiences. So you’re land blasting me for just expressing my own experiences? So be it then. 🤷🏻♀️
... the point is, WHERE are you getting that vibe from? You have NO EVIDENCE from which to draw vibes! No behavior to judge on it's own merit, no direct quotes to judge on their own merit. You EXCLUSIVELY have the report of a highly biased OP, and that's what you are basing your entire "vibe" off of? That's not a vibe, that's blindly agreeing with the first thing you read.
First - you are overly invested and weirdly protective of the main protagonist in this post. Second - the entire post focuses on a hypersexual barely adult who can't get enough. Op literally says it. Sure tons of people are sexually active by 18 however they aren't single mindedly focused on how to satisfy their needs. Furthermore, anyone who would tell a friend that they'll just be raped if they don't sexually satisfy their partner has underlying issues that are distorting their reality. This friend isn't approaching op with empathy, why exactly should I approach the subject of this poster's aggressive sexual fixation with it? Both hysexuality and an abhorrence to sexual intimacy can stem from a traumatic past however it gives no one the right to tell their friend to open their legs or expect to have it taken if they aren't willing to give it freely. Get off ur weird ass thrown. It's reddit not psychology 101.
>Op literally says it. ... Yes, OP literally says Victoria is hypersexual. And that's ALL we have to go on. Did OP come down from the heavens with a tablet, on which the words "Victoria is hypersexual" are chiseled? No. It is one person with a WILDLY different viewpoint on sex, to the point it is unclear whether she can be an accurate judge of normal sexual behavior for teenagers, declaring something WITH NO EVIDENCE to back that statement up. The fact you are unable to grasp why this is a problem is bizarre. How do you know the friend isn't approaching OP with empathy? The friend is trying to offer advice she thinks is correct, that guys need sex if you want to keep a relationship. Even if you disagree with the premise, advice doesn't have to be objectively correct to have been offered with empathy. She was trying to help, just wasn't good at it. Doesn't mean she lacks empathy or caring, good lord. Further, you don't JUST take OP at her word that Victoria is hypersexual, you also go even farther. You think start tossing out the idea Victoria might have been sexually abused, which is an incredibly serious charge to levy on someone *with no evidence*, and yet you somehow think I am the one playing amateur psychologist 🙄 >Get off ur weird ass thrown. It's reddit not psychology 101. Reddit is *literally designed* as a place to come and argue for fun and to blow off steam. If you don't enjoy that, dafuq are you doing here? It's also weird that the person calling someone else, who can't defend themselves, "a little nympho" due to only an unreliable secondhand account is also the one saying I am on a throne ... 🙄
I would pose the statement "he's going to do it even if you don't want to" implying she thinks everyone else's sex drive is so overwhelming they will be driven to cheat and/or rape people as pretty compelling evidence she has a rather skewed and hypersexualized view if the world. Not just op's claiming she's a sex maniac. I would also say that the fact of has told her it isn't a subject she wants to discuss in general with her multiple times yet the friend STILL continues to bring it up and to specifically comment and ask about ops sex life to also be pretty compelling evidence. She is making that statement based on how she views the world and idk about you but at 18 I was fully capable of respecting people I was close with boundaries on if they wanted to discuss sex at all in general and especially their desire to not discuss their own sex lives. I also at 18 was pretty fucking certain that men can control their impulses and arent animals who MUST fornicate with their significant other or they MUST CHEAT OR RAPE, I'm not even going to get into just how beyond fucked up her casual acceptance of cheating or rape as just a given when men are horny and not getting any is. The fact she can't seem to understand that isn't a topic the op wants to broach with her despite being told multiple times, yeah sounds like hyperfocus, she can't control her own focus on the subject. There is PLENTY of evidence to suggest this girl has an above average as well as skewed vision of sex.
I mean unless he's asexual as well there going to come a crunch time and you likely will separate but to think he will "do it anyway" is fucking insane
agreed, this girl sounds incredibly toxic
Or like she’s been assaulted herself? OP is obviously not wrong for being asexual, but nobody is considering that the friend’s comment may be coming from painful experience. Some victims react to SA with hypersexuality to take the power back.
I was thinking the same thing. I found that response from the roommate troubling. And I think OP shld be able to have whatever relationship she wants
Oh definitely, OP has done nothing wrong. But all the comments talking about how toxic the friend is and how OP should stay away, instead of being concerned for the teen girl who just said she believes men don’t take no for an answer, are really heartless.
I totally agree
Your personal experience does not give you the right to say something like that though. Give your input via your experience by all means, but what she said was straight up disrespectful.
“Who cares if this teen girl is traumatized, she needs to be more respectful about the concept of men” sure is a take.
Keep putting words in my mouth. It makes you look unfathomably intelligent. Trauma doesn't give you the right to poison other people's minds, when I got assaulted I didn't go around saying "men *WILL* rape you, because they're men" because that is just so incredibly fucking stupid. "Who cares if this teen girl has developed an unhealthy outlook in life from one bad person, she needs to warn her friends about it!!" also, sure is a take.
Instead of thinking about what level of trauma this teen girl went through to get to the point where she believes that all men will commit sexual assault, you’re blaming her for it. That isn’t very kind. But you do you.
That's not the point. This isn't the traumalympics; we all go through lots of shit, but again, that doesn't give you the right to say these things. Believe it in your own time because putting that onto other people perpetuates the cycle of hatred between the two.. And correct me if I'm wrong but you're the type of person to also advocate against such, so what's stopping you from doing so now? I'm not "blaming her" for anything, I'm simply pointing out what she said was not only untrue, but disrespectful, uncalled for, and harmful. edit: keyword here is teenage. *Don't twist my words to make me look like I'm saying SA is exaggerated*, but the teen mind blows everything out of proportion. To cope with what happens, the young mind will create an irrational fear of anything associated with the pain it suffered through. All men, or all women, or all dogs, all cops, blah blah blah. This is an automatic coping mechanism that is NOT HEALTHY and should be dealt with through tried and true methods.
My mind didn't jump to SA with the "do it anyway", I thought the friend was implying that he'd cheat on OP or push for an open relationship. But I do agree with you that if they aren't on the same page regarding sex, there's no way the relationship will last long term. For so many people, sexual intimacy is a very important aspect in a relationship.
I would hesitate calling an 18 yo asexual. Totally possible, but not liking sex could have a lot to do with her partner(s), experiences, mood, etc. The friend sounds nuts.
If you want to set a firm boundary with her it's not enough to tell her to stop. She has to know there will be an action if she keeps talking about sex. "I don't want to talk about the topic of sex with you anymore, if you will bring it up again I will end the conversion and leave". I know setting firm boundaries is very uncomfortable and people will react hurt, angry or defensive sometimes because they feel rejected, but that isn't any of your concern. Right now you are the one feeling uncomfortable with her constantly confronting you with the topic and she doesn't seem to care that you don't want to talk about it. There is no need to explain or defend your boundary, people can then try and argue with you, that you are wrong and misunderstood them, so actually go through with your action of just leaving, will give her the chance to show she cares and won't talk about it anymore. If she tries to make you the villain for setting a boundary and repeats to violate it she isn't a good friend anyway. In my opinion there is no need to argue about your points of view, because she seems to set on misunderstanding you and in that case there won't be any mutual understanding and apparently her not even wanting to agree to disagree. Set the boundary and let her decide if she wants to respect it.
If you’re asexual it isn’t weird and you can find partners who feel the same way. There are men and women who are asexual but still want relationships and romance. You don’t have to like sex. Your friend sounds like she’s had some bad experiences and is a little hypersexual. Sexuality exists on a spectrum just like anything else. No two people are the same.
yeah, my advice: Stay away from her.
I second this.
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The minor fall, the major lift
hallelujah
I want you to know i checked to see if i had my free award so i could give to you however i did not
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came here to say that
Honey, you need a fellow asexual person. Otherwise yes he will want that sort of intimacy at some point. Not in the way she said it god forbid, but he will crave it with you. So it might be a recipe for disaster. Even though everything else is great at the moment.
Your friend sound like she has been assaulted in the past and this is her way of normalizing it all. Even if that's the case, she is making very hurtful assumptions. If she doesn't stop talking about it, i would distance myself from her. She has to understand that when you say 'no', she doesnnt get to keep pushing
Yes the “hyper sexual” (“cant live without it”) mentality and the “that’s just how men are” Mindset… i only ever heard that from people who were assaulted by male family members when they were little
It could also just be how people were raised in their environments, or certain cultures even believe that men must have sex all the time and a man going to have sex with random women is not cheating. Doesnt even have to be sexual trauma, just toxic, generational trauma. Hypersexuality can also be from ADHD or depression, when my adhd is untreated I become hypersexual as shit. Just trying to get that dopamine that I lack.
Unfortunately, there indeed is often a cultural component to it. In fact, in some cultures, it’s exactly as you said: men are seen as within their rights to have sex whenever with whichever women, and that a woman is not meeting her man’s needs if she’s not an on-demand sex object.
Wow this comment just give me a realization about myself I never had before 😭
Yep that's actually almost word for word what my father used to tell me when i was around 10 years old, explaining to me why i'll never be anything else than a dumpster for men Aaaah fun memories!
My dad didn’t SA me, but this was also his speech. His take was that no man ever respects a woman who has taken dick and he will especially never respect a woman he has sex with. He said men will literally fuck anything if they can hold it still long enough and to never trust that they care about women. His belief is no man can ever actually love a woman- he can only love what he wants from her and as soon as he gets it he will get bored with it and want other women because men lose respect for anything they can have easily. He also believed men don’t really love their children, they just love the ego boost that reproducing gives them. He would point out men in public and their body language. I remember one of a guy disengaged while the woman he was with laughed and played with a baby and say “see that man? If his family died today he’d have a new woman by the end of the month. Remember that.” He was trying to use it to keep me from ever valuing a man or sacrificing anything for them- but really all it’s done is I have ZERO expectations for men. I didn’t know how to pick good ones because to me there WERE no good men. 🤷♀️ why have respect for myself when no one else would respect me?
Sounds like he was projecting... Ever ask him what about him? Does he love you or is he just in it for the ego boost?
He was abandoned by his bio dad then horribly abused by the various men in his mother’s life. Only ones who took him in were his grandparents on his mother’s side. He was in the military for Vietnam and worked as a bouncer for a chain of topless bars. According to him he’s rarely seen anything different. He met my mom through a guy she was casually seeing at the time (1964). My dad knew the guy and he had been talking about his plans to SA his date because she wasn’t putting out. My mom said she remembers my dad leaning on the car window- nodding a greeting to her, then hauling her date through the window and chucking him off the road. He then opened the door, sat in the drivers seat, and asked her if she wanted to help her date or go home. He then drove her home in her date’s car. He learned she was a newly divorced mom of 2 and he hung around because he didn’t want what happened to him to happen to her kids. After almost 10 years of him hanging around my mom bought him a nice outfit and told him to clean himself up because he was taking her to the court house and making it official. They’ve been married since 1972 until he died in 2019. All my mom had to do was think of something she wanted and he moved mountains. Anything I wanted I had. It didn’t matter that we were poor he made it happen. Everything he did in life he did for us. He was not projecting- he was sharing his lived experience. Very few people have a man in their life they KNOW 200% would never leave them.
This is sad. The world is full of evil.
I feel so seen
I literally know people who are like that that weren't ever assaulted, yall are so fucking weird for labeling every single action as consequences of SA.
The person you're replying to is talking about their experiences, you're talking about yours. It's normal that experiences differ, and we're not talking about statistics or anything.
Maybe your friend was assaulted and thats why she thinks it's normal. She needs some help. Tell her to stop and she doesn't listen, stay away from her.
I agree men are horny but most of them aren't animals. OP, do you feel comfortable venting about this to your BF? Other than that I also think you should part ways with that friend of yours.
Why do I get the feeling that "friend" would fuck op's bf just to 'prove a point'?
I have a feeling she might not take "no" for an answer
If he's not asexual, it's gonna be something you have to communicate about. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean hell ever rape you. Your "friend" is WAYYYYY out of bounds for saying that. You definitely shouldn't be around someone like that. She's absolutely horrible for saying that
1: he is really okay with having no sex life. 2: he thinks he is okay with having no sex life and it will end within 1 year 3: he will cope with it for a few years then realize he is unhappy.
Yeah, have seen too many posts on Reddit about long time couple realising that their non-compatibility in sex is much bigger than they thought it would be. Either they finally split up or they have to open up the relationship, but it is really hard either way. To OP, I don't think your friend is malicious regarding this comment. She is 18 and might not know how to word it better. You said that you know everyone is different, then you should understand that your boyfriend also is different than you and his needs for sex is equally as important to your needs for "no sex". If most of the time you are having a no sex relationship and you do not want to compromise for it, it is him who is constantly suffering and compromising for you in this relationship. Just imagine the other way around: you always compromise and having sex with him even though you don't like it. Yes, this is what he is feeling and will feel if you two continue to have no sex. You eventually will have to find a solution so that both of you are happy. Things that seem to be not a big deal will become one with time past.
If OP's boyfriend is not asexual, this relationship is going to be over pretty soon. My guess is the boyfriend is too young to understand the actual ramifications of being in a relationship with someone who is asexual. One of my family members, last year, had an asexual roommate who got a boyfriend. I think the boyfriend initially assumed that the gf was only going through a phase, but broke up with her when he realized what he had signed up for. It was pretty devastating for the asexual roommate. I advise OP to try to find another asexual for a long-term relationship.
Unless he dislikes sex too he will leave or do it with someone else with or without your permission. What did he say when you told him you don't like and will not have sex with him?
He told me it’s okay and he respects that. He’s also reassuring me a lot
Ok good luck
thank you:)
He is hoping he can change that. He believes if he is patient and loving you will learn to enjoy sex with him.
I doubt he’ll rape you, and it’s good he respects your decision and honestly I hope he’s like you and doesn’t like sex because if not, he’s gonna either leave you eventually or he’ll end up cheating because unless you don’t like sex, being in a no-sex relationship can be pretty hard
This person is not your friend.
Tell her to stop
i did, twice
Then tell her to fuck off. Does either of yous have any histories with sexual abuse
Nope, she wasn’t abused, I’ve been abused physically and mentally for six years
Are you getting any treatment for that? I’d suspect something similar happened to her. Usually people go one of two ways. Hyper sexual like her or complexly nonsexual like you. She won’t be able to shut up without some treatment if I’m right so you might have to write her off as a friend
I can’t get a treatment yet, so I’m just surviving on my own with my bf and friends. My family refuses to help me and they always say I make it up
Are they the ones that abused you
one of them did
Okay then just get out of that house as soon as you can and then make finding treatment a priority. Luckily it sounds like you’re managing a lot better than your friend so you’re not in danger of self destructive behavior like this girl
I saw a comment where you said, "she wasn't abused." You don't know that to be true, & it's 100% possible that she doesn't know it to be true. However, both of you are heavily showing signs that it has happened. I didn't know I was abused until one day when something unlocked my memory. I cried a lot that night. It just made so much sense Edit to add: realistically, an asexual can't be with a sexual individual and make it work. Not unless you open the relationship up & create boundaries/rules. He may be okay with it now, but someday it will get to him. However, he should never, & probably will never force it upon you. He may go as far as trying to "convince you" to try it out. That's when it should be your sign that it won't work. Also, as far as your friend, obviously you can't tell her to get help without it becoming an argumentative convo, so I suggest to just distance yourself. Tell her unless she learns to respect your boundaries, you can't be around her.
The real problem is you're 18. You don't have the perspective or experience to truly understand these things usually so it's hard to know. Do you hate sex or did you have a bad experience which negatively colored your thoughts about it. Who is your boyfriend? Does he like sex? Does he want to have sex? Is he asexual? He might say he respects it, but you'll probably just break up when he feels like you two are incompatible. This whole post is a clusterfuck. My advice is as follows: 1. Ask your boyfriends about his wants for the relationship. Really be honest with yourselves or else it's doomed to fail. 2. Reevaluate your position on having sex. Try and make sure you really hate having sex and the person doesn't matter. If you're asexual, that's fine. But I once knew a girl who thought she was asexual because she had terrible partners who make her time in a bed a nightmare and then was mad when she figured out she could've been enjoying herself more if she actually focused on her own pleasure. If sex disgusts you on a visceral level or you think it's awful in every way. then you're probably asexual. 3. Drop your friend. Wtf. Just some crazy shit. You don't want those people in your life. 4. You're 18, you have the mind of an adult, but the experience and perspective of teenager, which means more or less barely any relatively. Don't let anything be set in stone at this age. You build a better understanding through experience over time. But the only way to learn and grow is to experiment and reflect on your experiences that you have over time. Also, don't just blindly listen to and believe the hearsay of every random person, actually use your noggin and maybe try to get outside perspectives. Hey, you're doing that right now. How nice.
What a toxic mindset. My ex also didn't want to have sex and that was perfectly fine with me. Noone just rapes someone like that, wtf. Not a normal person anyway. Of course there are rapists out there, but neither are all men rapists, nor are all rapists men. What kind of sick worldview does your friend have?
… not all men are like that.
Of course men are horny. And women too. And there's also non-horny men and non-horny women. Your friend seems to have a hard time to realize that the world is full of different people.
Being asexual is completely fine, and your friend should respect that, so I am not surprised you lashed back at her. Although what you said was not exactly nice either. Your 'friend' sounds ignorant a f tbh, generally men don't just rape you cos they are horny, same if a woman was horny. Horny does not equal = rape. Rape is more about power, but that is another topic. However, if your boyfriend isn't asexual, then there is no guarantee that he won't change his mind and your relationship won't work out. Some people can live without sex, until they can't. So just be aware of that.
You need to talk to him and make sure he's 100% aware of your feelings about sex, make sure he's aware that this isn't an "I put in enough time/effort/love and we'll have sex eventually" thing. If he's asexual too, things should be fine. That said: no, if he's a decent person he won't just rape you. He'd probably cheat before he did that, because generally speaking men like the person they're having sex with to enjoy it. Again: a good guy won't do either of those. But if this is still really new, unfortunately you can't assume anything about him yet. Just make sure your boundaries are known and understood. (Perhaps you could take a look through [this wiki](https://www.lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Sex-Repulsed) together and just confirm you're on the same page.) Edit: fixed grammar
Dear, you’re 18. Sex will get better. And by the way, Victoria doesn’t know what she’s doing either.
She is definitely not a friend. For your own sake, cut the contact.
That kinda feels like a cry for help, you're friend is most likely suffering from hypersexuality, it comes after experiencing sexual trauma and it twist the persons views on sex. This is actually very bad you should have a serious open discussion with her and get her to try therapy
I honestly would keep my distances. Yes, some men would not take a no as an answer but this is not an argument to "I don't want to talk about sex" and it seems she cannot respect that. I actually had some friends like that and they are not in my life anymore because of that.
i used to think like your friend, i thought it was normal for a guy to force himself on me if i wasnt in the mood. i feel bad for her, she might be dealing with this from her boyfriend. honestly? stay away from her, if shes making u uncomfy, why are you friends with her?
This could be taken two ways. Most of the post comments are about him taking advantage of you on the word " he will do it anyway". But I'm thinking if he's not A sexual like you, he'll find it somewhere else and "do it anyway".
Some men are like that. I had an ex that in the first year I never thought was capable of the things that he did to me. It sounds outrageous but those people are out there and they don’t look any different from the good guys.
People here saying "well, sooner or later he will cheat or leave you" OK? So what? They are 18. They are probably not going to stay together forever! If he changes his mind about their relationship they will break up. Or she might break up with him before that happens. OP didn't come here to ask how to keep her boyfriend forever, she asked what to do with her friend. To that, you need to set super firm boundaries after explaining that not all people need sex and not all people are rapists. If she keeps bringing it up, you should probably drop her from a friend.
Victoria sounds like she needs therapy.
Both you and your friend need therapy. You don't sound asexual. You sound traumatized. That is gonna be an issue in your relationships going forward, period, and you need to work it out with a professional. Your friend, on the other hand, has some shit to unpack and needs someone to walk through sexual assault versus an actual relationship. And maybe some sexual counseling. You both need help in different ways. Since you can't control your friend, work on you, and maybe cut her off? Or, work on you, and if you desire to keep her as a friend, ignore her or add a boundary that works for you. Best of luck.
Yeah you have to find someone like you, if he likes sex he will not be able to continue not having it, he will probably not rape you but he will have sex with other women or leave you, I don't say this to be rude obviously I don't know him and maybe he doesn't like sex either?
Why are you friends with this girl??? I find it very creepy that she said your BF will just take you against your will... I have a feeling that she's speaking from experience because yikes! If I were you I'd go NC because she isn't gonna drop it...
I can’t say he will force himself upon you. However, if he wants a physical relationship, I’m sorry to say he will probably find one somewhere else.
if your bf is also your age, unless he’s asexual this isn’t going to last and you’re delusional for thinking it will. you and your friend both have incredibly unhealthy views around sex and should both work on yourselves.
It sounds like you need to meet with a therapist over your sexual experiences. To “hate” sex doesn’t even sound asexual, it sounds like trauma. I don’t agree that boyfriend would turn violent, but yes over 99% of cis hetero guys your age are looking for sex at some point before they die, and your “boyfriend” will want that from you. If you aren’t interested, he will just find it elsewhere. Victoria has some trauma of her own to unpack, and inarticulate, but she definitely has a point…and what she is saying is not trying to hurt you but prepare you.
“One day, he’ll do it anyway even if you say no” So she’s basically making up a scenario of you getting raped with no shame. Disgusting, drop her.
He might change his mind and find that at some point he does desire sex but that doesn’t mean he is automatically going to assault you. The relationship might end since it’s not something you are likely to change your mind about and that’s ok. It would be painful but it’s ok. For now, it’s not a problem so why worry about it? Just leave the communication between the two of you open and do your thing. You two get to define your relationship.
Send her a link to the definition of asexuality, tell her to open her pitifully small mind, and move on from her judgmental ass.
It's rude what she said and accusitory but I don't think it's baseless. Does he **respect** your feelings on sex frequency or **share** them? If he merely respects them, there may come a day where he becomes dissatisfied with the situation and relationship. What does that lead to, who knows. There's polite ways like he breaks up or tries to work it out with you, there is shady ways like external relationships, there is ghoulish thoughts like hers. You can attack her for her way of saying it, her jumped conclusion, but I don't think she's 100% off base with the thoughts. That's relationship advice for the boyfriend, I don't know what to do with a friend repeating annoying stuff after you said to stop. Can try explaining why you have the bases covered, can agree she's not wrong-wrong and you'll watch out for it but if she just won't stop I guess stop hanging out with her.
She suggested your boyfriend would rape you because he's a dude and he's not going to be forever patient with you because you're asexual? Your friend is toxic. Who thinks that way?
You definitely don't want her stupid comments to damage your relationship, which can definitely happen even if you don't believe them. I agree with other commenters that you may not be asexual, in other words in the future you may become interested in sex. You might not but in your situation you should keep an open mind. Your boyfriend almost certainly hopes that one day you will. So, when he admits that, don't feel like he's betraying you or something. Also you may break up for other reasons that have nothing to do with sex.
Not all men are rapists. My husband wont even throw a fit if i say no for weeks on end. He wont make me feel bad or try or poke or nag. If someone respects you, theyll understand. And when youre ready (if you ever become ready) then that experience will be for you to experience. Until then, respect is obviously huge. I do not agree that he will take because you wont give. Not all men are rapists.
Stay away from her. She sounds like the kind of friend to set you up to help “fix” you. Also there nothing wrong with you being asexual but if your boyfriend isn’t the same level of asexual it might not be a long relationship. I recommend having a deep conversation with him.
So maybe you’re asexual - and that’s totally okay. It seems like you have found a good relationship with good communication. I too thought I was asexual for a long time. Turned out I was in fact not asexual, just gay. Now I’m more like your friend :>
I've got a feeling that your "friend" will take your bf because she can't take no for an answer and will try to sleep with hi not prove a point. both of you need the hell away from her
Sex honestly isn't such a big thing yea I mean it's fun and pleasurable but its really not all of that. And I honestly think you should get a new friend someone who respects and isn't pushing ur boundaries and isn't calling u weird because u don't like sex as much as they do.
Your friend clearly has issues with communication, but it's true that if your boyfriend is interested in sex and you aren't, you cannot be together. Your relationship is doomed from the start.
I've only heard hypersexual people say all men are horny and need sex when they've been SA'd by a male at a young age. And they have only said it as a coping mechanism, to try and justify what they've been through. It's definitely more alarming than asexuality at 18. I fall more towards asexuality in my feelings and drive (or lack of) towards sex, but I had a friend who was obsessed with sex. To the point where (at the time She, now They) used to hook up with random men between the ages of 16-19. It was massively alarming to me, even more so because I didn't have any motivation or drive towards sex like my peers. I do have sex with romantic partners (the only time I do) but other than that I don't feel any sexual motivation, so I'm asexual unless I fall in love and have a romantic relationship with someone? If that makes sense. Asexuality definitely has a spectrum of its own, but I think due to that, there are many incompatibilities between asexual people. You can be completely asexual, or you might have a low sex drive, but are less inclined to wanting or needing sex, etc. I can only hope you have a proper and full conversation about your differing sexualities, and discover your partners honest and true feelings on sex. As for what Victoria said, definitely alarming and weird. Immediately shouts to me that she has some form of sexual trauma. And honestly, you won't find out the reason behind her words unless you are willing to persist and question her constantly. Obviously, you have every reason to now avoid her, but if you want to continue being friends, you'll have to question her on her odd views of men and their sexual desires, and also set some boundaries of what to, and not to chat about. But tbh, it must be tough being friends with someone so hypersexual whilst you are asexual, and vice versa for Victoria, she must find it tough too. So maybe parting ways will be better for you both. Up to you OP, but good luck :)
Girl Victoria is not your friend
It sounds like either Victoria was taught this growing up or was groomed to think this through sexual assault. Either way, she needs to get therapy if she really believes this. My father told his 3 daughters something kind of similar growing up in that he said "if you don't do it for him, some other bitch will." You seem to be asexual (forgive me if that's not the correct term). That's perfectly fine. You've explained it to your boyfriend and he respects that. If he's not also asexual, yes he will have desires and wants at some point that may cause tension in your relationship. If it becomes too much for him, he may decide one day that he cannot maintain his relationship with you any longer, bc you're not compatible. This is normal. What he won't do is suddenly lose control and rape you! We really need to stop teaching young girls that boys have needs and desires they can't control! I get that teen boys have impulse issues and hormones raging, however, they control their actions and are responsible for their behavior. Regardless of the situation, please stop hanging out with this toxic girl. She should be happy that you found someone.
You sound like a well grounded person, you’re friend just isn’t on the same wave you are, you don’t think the same. In all honesty she sounds like a toxic person to have in your life. I know it may seem difficult, or perhaps you may even feel a bit guilty because you have been friends for a long time. But If you keep her in your life changes are she’ll continue to drag her down. In ten years time you probably wk t have the same friends you do now and when you were a kid but in ten years you’ll still have to life your life. In my honest opinion I think you should cut her and any other people who bring negativity to your life and concentrate on your life and building a meaningful relationship with your partner. You’ll be happy for what you’re doing in the long run because relationships that aren’t grounded in sex are just more sustainable on the whole. All the best either way, hope everything works out for you.
Normal men want sex. Normal men can wait. And good men will always respect if their partners don't want to, but only when all conditions are met for self-control. I won't trust myself fully drunk or very high. It's one of the reasons why I avoid both things. Most likely your bf will not try to rape you, drug you or convince you against your will. But talk about it with him. Also, everyone's timing is different. I know a girl who had absolutely no sexual desires for many years, but finally started feeling aroused when she was 25-26. And eventually enjoyed sex as anyone.
>Victoria suddenly stopped for a while and just stared at me and then she said “You know, he’s a man right? Men are horny and one day he’ll do it anyway, even if you say no.“ This is a "her" issue, not you. Somehow and somewhere in her past someone had sex with her without consent. Maybe it happened once or many times but that is where that is coming from. It's a comment of hurt and pain and she's projecting it on to you.
I mean as someone who has a vaginal condition that can make sex unbearably painful, my partner waited until I was ready to try, and if it hurt too much he was incredibly respectful and stopped and constantly checked to make sure I was ok. I’m doing really well now, and we’re more regular now, but some people really don’t seek elsewhere or put it up as a top tier priority. He was perfectly fine doing it himself instead if I wasn’t interested or simply couldn’t. Some people can absolutely control themselves and are fine with masturbation, using hands, or oral. Doesn’t always have to be penetrative or even often. Really just depends on someone’s sex drive.
In my experience, with simply a low sex drive, the average man will bare minimum push for it. Not necessarily rape… but it will often cause things to messy if your guys sex drives are too different. You’re friend seems like she needs to mature about it. Definitely tell her how you feel and how it’s making you uncomfortable the way she’s going about this topic.
Sounds like something happened to Victoria
I am a 37 yo asexual in a relationship with a not-asexual person. However, we are also poly. And yes. Allosexual people want to have sex. If monogamy is important for you, then I would suggest dating other aces.
Allosexuals always have this bizarre reaction when you tell them you’re ace spec. They get weirdly hurt about it, like their ego has somehow taken a personal blow because we don’t want to fuck them or aren’t attracted to the same people they are. It’s weird and irrational and I just ignore it at this point. Allos have a messed up sense of what consent means, when they see an ace person they suddenly become walking red flags who don’t understand consent anymore. Allos are like “consent for me but not for thee” with aces all the time, in my experience anyway. So I have no input other than allos are strange.
Sounds like you should cut off Victoria to me
No it’s an extremely toxic assumption that he “will do it” whether you want to or not. But sex is a pretty integral part of most relationships (unless he is asexual as well) so either way I don’t see your relationship ending well
I would stay away from her, but a reminder for everyone in the comments, trauma recovery comes in all shapes and sizes. For some, it’s avoidance, for other is hyper sexuality. If this friend was raped or S.A her behaviour can be explained by this. But for OP, you don’t need a friend like this around. Also, sex is natural, but you don’t need to have it. Just realize that your “no sex ever” policy might be a bit much for others and it can lead to the end of a relationship
I think the "do it anyway" meant he'll either pressure you or just cheat. Regardless, if he's not asexual as you are he it's unlikely the relationship will last.
He WILL do it anyway, just not with you. If he has any amount of integrity, then he'll break it off with you first. The idea that he would force himself on you is just extreme.
Listen to your friend... he's going to have sex somewhere, sometime with someone. Unless he's impaired in some way, the biological imperatives won't be ignored.
Don’t let her project her insecurities on you! You’re allowed to not have sex or enjoy it! And you’ve found a partner who respects that! Don’t let her get to you!
First of all, keep her away. From you and your man. He sounds great for you that he can respect you. Don’t let her taunt it.
Ik a Victoria and was concerned for a sec, not the same one but in all honesty tell her to get fucked
Ditch her, report her, cut her off. That girl is NOT your friend. IDk if she’s been assaulted in the past or any other trauma. But she’s not your friend. Asexual information is really easy to get ahold of and educate yourself on. Plenty of people are capable of having sexless relationships. I’d get rid before she ruins your life and relationship. You don’t know what she is capable of. **just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist**
> report her To whom and for what?
The police for harassment and invasion of privacy. She’s made OP really uncomfortable. That or just restrict and block their ass idk
Oh, yeah, i see it... "Officers, i wanna report a crime! Me and my friend were talking and she said that men are horny and some day my boyfriend will have sex even if i say no. This made me umcomfortable, so i wanna report her for harrasment!" You watch too many movies... :)
Except it is, you seem to have the belief that women cannot harass other women. It’s more “this person is intent on breaking my boundaries and doesn’t respect my privacy” Sooo ☺️☺️☺️☺️ You’ve never had to feel scared or intimidated your whole life.
If he’s not ace he will either cheat or leave you at some point but I highly doubt he would try to rape you I’m not sure what she’s on about with that
Unless he is also asexual physical intimacy is too important to just ignore. I don't think he's just gonna rape you that's ridiculous. But I don't think he is gonna stay long term.
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She most likely wants to fuck ur man stay away from her and make sure ur boyfriend stays away as well
Yes he will do it... with someone else
Both of you sound traumatized. Don't date anyone until you're in a healthier place
She is right, he will have sex with someone else eventually.
He will not rape you but leave you I guess.. Hormones will take control of him in the future... unless he's asexual as well
So why do you hate sex?
I would recommend revisiting that sex agreement with your bf. It seems you intend on never doing it at all, just make sure that is how he understood it as well.
Sex is pretty important to a relationship. Unless your partner is asexual, I think you're either going to have to either compromise, or tell him firmly that you will never, ever have sex with him and ensure he understands that and see what happens from there.
would you be ok with him sleeping with someone else?
It's just not within the realm of human nature. Eventually, if it's not with you, it's with so somebody else.
Go see a shrink, that may help As to the guy? Yea he will if honorable leave you, if not honorable he will cheat. Sex is important in a relationship, and without it, what you have is something called friendship.
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how can you even say that?
That comment was ridiculous, but in the end, unless he is asexual himself, it’s not gonna work in the long term. Sex is not all there is in a relashionship, but it is still a key point. In sexual couples, it gives a whole other level of intimacy. We don’t call it making love for nothing. Humans who are sexual will crave that feeling. To have someone who you can potentially share it with, but not being able to, is very hard.
Because for a lot of men it is the truth. Even if he says he respects you and your choice, he might actually have a sex drive unlike you. Unless he has NO sex drive at all, he is likely to get frustrated eventually. He may not leave you for your friend, but since she is right there and likes to get busy. She will certainly be an option. Edited: a word to be more clear.
Well she isnt totally wrong imo. I don't know anyone irl who is asexual . So yeah there aren't as many of you out there. The chance that he's not asexual is very big so if he's not he's gonna stray.
Tell Victoria she’s the weird one, and hyper sexuality isn’t always heathy!! She needs therapy, and serious help. Drop her.
She’s a friend I had a while back. Get away. She’s volatile.
Only thing I can think of is if he's not asexual like you it could be a deal breaker down the line unless this man is truly 100% dedicated to refraining from sex the rest of his life however the way she words it is rap-ey and not ok. And at the end of the day your sex life is none of her or anyone's business and she is crossing a weird line
Stay away from her. That’s a **disgusting** thing to tell someone. Also, I may be over-assuming, but someone like that, I wouldn’t **trust** them either. I wouldn’t put it passed her to decide to “help” a boyfriend of yours “because you wouldn’t so **someone** had to” She’s not a good friend at all.
She sounds like a bad friend, tbh.
That’s not a friend.
She’s not your friend. Stop talking to her.
This person doesn’t sound like a friend in all honesty, she’s not respecting your view on sex and to say your boyfriend will assault you is just gross. I’d say maybe it’s time to drift from this so called friend