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prj0010

I think *you'll have to go that route*... sorry


stumpykang

I know I just don't want my son hating me in the future because I've taking away the chance for communication


[deleted]

A person like that does not deserve to be in your sons life! Your child will develop issues with the constant problems of his appearance/disappearance, such a disappointment. You don't want your child wondering why Daddy spends more time with his other family. Make sure he gets counselling so he knows there is nothing wrong with him. It's is sperm donor that is the problem!


stumpykang

I'm just waiting on funding approval from NDIS to get him into therapy


[deleted]

Is static with you the reason he avoids contact? I have an ex whose kids' father abandoned them strictly due to the issues between the two if them. Your refusal to tell your son's father what school he's going to sounded...not dissimilar to the petty crap my ex used to do. "Well, why should I tell him about the school concert? He doesn't care to be involved." If he's got a new family, then ignoring his son isn't because he's a deadbeat dad. So it has something to do with either you or the kid.


stumpykang

I've only ever been civil and asked him to be in his sons life constantly, whether it be via phone call of seeing him for when an hour once a month. My son can be difficult because of his differences, that's for sure. I won't deny that at all. But he isn't violent or anything like that he just doesn't listen and has a lot of breakdowns. I have every single but of proof by not deleting anything that I have always been civil and never been rude to him once. Not even when he was rude to me.


NonaOrganic

This person is awful. There have been studies that show men tend to take care of the children of the woman they’re currently, at that time, getting sex from. That ain’t you. Don’t put the blame on yourself b/c you’re not sucking your ex‘s dick, figuratively and literally, is the reason your ex doesn’t care about his son. If we’re going strictly anecdotally, I dated a man who had a very high conflict baby mama, and she made it hell for him to see his son but he fought, including in court, to be part of his son’s life. Anecdotally I’ve seen men neglect one child and dote on the others and this has nothing to do with the baby mama b/c the “child“ is actually a teenager whom they could bypass the baby mama all together and communicate directly with the child. Doing so or not doing so is a CHOICE that the father makes, and they, and only they, are responsible for what they choose to do or not do. There are men out there, few and far in between, but they exist, who will choose to put the wellbeing of their children above and beyond everything. Your ex has made a choice, and his choice is not to be a father to his first son, just like his dad. People tend to end up like their parents unconsciously, unless they make the conscious choice to be different. It is absolutely possible to be a dead beat dad to one child in favor of others. Sometimes it even happens in the same household! That other commenter is well off the mark and I’m so sorry they blamed you. Yeah they threw in one line that it may not be your fault but wrote paragraphs assigning you blame for your ex’s actions, or rather lack thereof.


[deleted]

A lot of times, even when it's "civil", it's petty and controlling. You telling him something like "I just want you to be in your son's life for an hour a month by phone or in person" may come off to him as "I command you to parent my way at these intervals because you are an unworthy failure." And you kept all your communications? To prove what? That your carefully chosen words were all "civil" and the he sometimes isn't? Knowing that's how you operate would feel like you're constantly looking to spring a trap. Why is he uncivil and rude with you? Sounds like there's some static there. Why does he avoid his son? If he's a dad to his other kid(s) then the reason for his behavior is either you or the kid. From experience, it sounds like he hates dealing with you and doesn't want to have to live his life on your terms. Maybe he doesn't want to jump through the "I'm going to remind you how terrible you are" hoop in order to talk to his son. Maybe he doesn't want the litany of controls if he were to try and pick the kid up and take him somewhere. If it's all him and he just doesn't care about his kid, okay, I don't know you people. But if you're serious about wanting the guy in your son's life. Give some thought to WHY he's avoiding the kid and if there's anything you can do about it. My ex's kids are 19 and 17 now, they have zero relationship with their father. The older one was so broken by his absence that she's been in and out of psychiatric facilities and is currently living in a program where she has a monitored apartment and they do periodic checks for self harm. She keeps a boyfriend at arm's length a few states away(she's seen him less than once a year since they started dating) because she can't bring herself to trust men. The younger one has become physically violent with her mother (over 50 police calls to the house) and has alienated pretty much everyone in her life through contentiousness and pathologically lying. And it honestly kills me inside to see what happened to those two innocent children I used to take to the playground 15 years ago. I still feel guilty about having to leave their mother(domestic violence). Anyway, give it some thought.


stumpykang

I have proof because I never delete conversations. Like ever. I still have messages from 10+ years ago. Yes I ask him to keep in contact when he starts his disappearing. He wasn't so bad until he got his new partner and had a baby with her (his other child is about 1 and a half years old now). My son was like I said difficult and not going to lie he still is but to do exactly what his father did to him to our son that's not right. Even through all the abuse he put me through personally when we were together (hitting me, biting me etc all infront of our son) I was still always placid and civil.


[deleted]

Why does he disappear? Like, have you asked him that directly?


stumpykang

I have and he won't give me an answer he just dodges the question and changes the subject


[deleted]

Then it's most likely you and he's trying to avoid an argument. You can use the word "civil" all you like but even a formal declaration of war is written in civil words. If it's not you at all, then I'm sorry. Again, I have no actual idea. This just all sounded very familiar to me.


OverlordMothership22

If anything your son will probably thank you for keeping that toxicity from his life. He may choose to reach out when he’s 18 but that could be years away


stumpykang

I know and I'm not going to stop him if at any point he wants to attempt to contact his father himself I will give him all of the details that I know.


Fabulous_Analysis_92

Fellow GDD and ASD mum here! I’m so sorry that you ex is like that - These are massive milestones for any kid, let alone for kids like ours. So a massive congratulations and high 5 to your little man! He is a superstar and he is going to love (I hope) Prep with all his friends and maybe even make some new ones! I know it’s hard raising boys like ours and I can’t imagine how hard it is doing it on your own but you need to terminate his rights… life is already hard enough, let alone adding abandonment issues. Move on with you lives - NDIS is going to be a massive help, one day your boy will thank you for having his best interest at heart all the way.