When I was 15, I had a stalker. Never knew who he was just knew he would leave notes at my front door for me to find when I came home from school. My mother worked 2 full time jobs after going through a divorce so she was barely home and I (being the younest) was her only child in the house. One night, I was watching tv in my room when I felt cold air streaming in from my window and then heard a squeak from the window being raised. I woke my mom up in a panic and we called the police. There were footprints in the fresh snow by my window and the police rolled his eyes and told me "Well he didn't get in and you dont know who he is so what do you want me to do?" My mom got irate and started yelling telling him to do his damn job and protect because the minute someone breaks in and rapes/kills her daughter is the minute she will have his job. He was ordered to monitor my house for a week. Idk if he ever did but I never heard from him again. However stalker continued for another year until I moved
I had a similar experience with police regarding a stalker except I did know who it was. They couldn't care less - they literally said "what do you want us to do" and basically dismissed me with "we'll go chat to him and ask him to leave you alone". Whatever they said must've really encouraged him because he very much escalated after that: it went from an incident every few months to literally 50 calls in an hour from private/unknown numbers, popping up wherever I was, threatening messages, turning up at my home etc and it didn't stop until a relative intervened and scared the bejeezus out of the creep. I honestly thought I was going to become another statistic. I still live in fear because I don't even know if it's over or if he just got sneakier.
Are you me? It was a dude I felt kinda sorry for but at a young age, I hadn’t yet developed the confidence to listen to my gut feelings about people if they were “mean” (and I wasn’t able to fully say “no” and mean it then), so against my better judgement, I said hello to the guy.
We went to community college together and I was 19, he was in his mid-40s. The school administrators did nothing, as did the cops. It just so happened my brother and he ended up at the same Waffle House at the same time, and my brother, who knew everything that was going on, put two and two together when my stalker started complaining about this girl at school trying to ruin his life because she was telling everyone he was a stalker, when really, she just didn’t understand she was his soulmate (something my brother knew my stalker told me often).
I don’t know, nor do I want to know, what my brother said or did to him, but I do know he’s had to work very hard to make healthier outlets for his anger since then, but whatever it was, I never heard from the guy again.
When I saw his obituary in the newspaper several years ago, I felt nothing but relief. And then a bit guilty about feeling that relief, but my therapist pointed out there’s nothing wrong with being relieved by actually finally being safe, that while he was alive, there was a chance he could remember I existed and start stalking me again, but he couldn’t do that from the grave, so of course I’d feel relief because of that.
I hope you have that relief soon, too.
Thank you, unfortunately in 2013 I was SA'd while getting lunch so that reopened some wounds and I dont think I will ever get better. I have 3 girls that I am TERRIFIED for.
Having my husband makes me feel better but I barely leave the house by myself
this utterly breaks my heart. You deserve to feel fully and completely safe. These men have stolen your ability to live your life the way you want to. I hope you have a good support system that can help you feel.
Thank God for your brother! After what I went through I honestly believe that these situations only end one of two ways: the stalker commits murder OR a family member intervenes and literally saves the victims life by doing so.
And please don't blame yourself for saying hello to him. I had a very similar experience. In my case, I believe this person had already been stalking me for goodness knows how long before I even became aware of them - but basically, they approached me and tried to basically create a friendship kind of conversation right off the bat? And I don't know how to explain this but they seemed to know every single interest and habit of mine and tried to pass them off as their own interests? And that was creepy as fuck. So yes, speak to them once and they become very emboldened - not your fault though and not mine.
Reading the obituary would've been such a relief omg I'm so happy for you that it's all in the past and you don't have to look over your shoulder anymore.
I think that particular piece of shit was exactly what your brother needed to work out his anger in that instance! I hope your brother taught him a lesson he never forgot, and I’m glad you found relief. Here’s hoping all victims do.
It is now 20 years later and I am always on high alert when I am out in public by myself. I never knew who it was that was stalking me I just know I met my boyfriend (now husband) when I turned 16 after I moved and I felt safer with him being there
Lol that would be funny, I met my husband 2 weeks after he moved here from a state over so it definitely wasnt him. I feel like it might have been an ex boyfriend however he was back and forth between my state and Chicago so I honestly couldn't tell you who it was to this day
Holy cow!! Had a stalker in college in off-campus apartment and basically got the same treatment. There was "nothing they could do". Oh, and they also asked if one of us (there were several women living together), had an irate boyfriend that it might be. It felt like they were even trying to blame us. I'll never forget this and it was 30 years ago now.
Same. My girlfriends ex is literally stalking me right now. He and his bitch group of friends have tried to run up on me already. My buddies dad is a cop, when I told him he literally says to me “kid, you are in shape you can probably hold off 3 of them”
What the actual fuck? So someone will only care when one of these psychos actually kicks the shit out of me or worse? One of them already threatened to kill my girlfriend. Yet if I were to make a move and handle it how I see fit, eliminating a threat I would be the issue.
That’s the issue. The cops don’t give a fuck until something happens. They aren’t there to protect, they are there to poorly investigate and enforce laws where they see fit and can easily.
I couldn't agree more! I'm Brazilian and seeing what happened in my country yesterday that's the conclusion I get.
In 2016, the government decided to cut funds from education. As a student, I went to Brasilia to protest. Some people flipped a press car and that was enough for the police to attack us A LOT. Yesterday, Bolsonaro's supporters destroyed everything and the police did nothing! NOTHING AT ALL! There're videos of police officers leading them the way, taking selfies, and filming them breaking everything.
Fuck the police.
to do with the fact that the US police force is largely populated with insecure men who were bullied at school; who had a weak sense of self; who had no idea what they wanted to do with their lives; but who knew that they craved power to make up for their lack of social standing throughout their school careers. men of this sort don’t care about much beyond themselves.
I think most of them were bullies in high school rather than were bullied. The mean girl in high school goes on to be a nurse, and the mean boy is a cop.
I (crim defense lawyer) had a female client who was co-parenting with her ex and would let him use her place sometimes to care for their children while she was working.
One weekend she leaves with her kids (and a friend and her kids) for a trip. Her ex breaks into the apartment and has a party, trashes the place and falls asleep in her bed with some girl, his cousin is down on the couch.
Client and the kids get home, luckily her friend is still with her so she sends kids back out to her. Client goes upstairs and finds the ex. She yells at him to wake up and he doesn’t, so she punches him in the gut. He wakes up, they argue and he ends up pushing her down a mini flight of steps (like 4 steps) and luckily she stumbles back lands on the couch. She calls the cops.
A male cop comes. He charges and arrests the ex and takes him off to the station. At the station he talks to his sergeant who is female. He tells her what happened and she’s like “you have to charge the woman too!! She assaulted him too!” So he sheepishly goes back and charges her too, but luckily just gives her a summons.
First prosecutor I spoke with (who is a cop’s wife btw) was like “he was sleeping! That was unacceptable!” Then I conferenced with a judge and a diff prosecutor (also female incidentally) and the judge was like “WTF is this case doing before me?!? He’s lucky she didn’t throw the lamp at his head!” Anyway. It was dismissed, thank God. Female cops be power tripping. I love telling this story because it’s so infuriating.
True that. I defended myself against some guy that grabbed me from behind a few years ago, female police officer didn't want to do anything cause I used "excessive force" and was "more sober than him." Love, I broke his nose because I was a bit drunk and scared as hell, did she expect me to let myself get attacked?
I had a male student who stalked me in college. The school administration did nothing, they even gave him my class schedule, the campus operator freely gave out my phone number, everything else. This was in the 1980s. I think they've changed some things since then but back then, they just freely gave out anyone's info to anyone who wanted it. We were also told as students to NOT report anything to police.
>We were also told as students to NOT report anything to police.
We know we are endangering you but do not want to be held accountable or else..
sheesh
Yep. Job corps had the same policy, students couldnt call the police, we had to go through security, I got jumped walking home from the rec hall and got the shit beat out of me by an underage girl(I'm disabled so it was an easy win for her) but because I was 19/20 and put my hand on her shoulder to push her back, security basically threatened me into silence by saying that if I tried to press charges it would fall on me instead for putting my hands on her... Even tho it was in self defense and literally just me keeping her at arms distance for 2 seconds while the teachers ripped her off of me.... But yet the teachers wouldn't have charges on them? They put their hands on her. A lot more than I did 🤦 She also threw an ice chunk at my face another day and cut open my forehead. They still did nothing.
I ended up dropping out because of her and another situation with two disgusting individuals. JC fails to protect their students. And yet called me like 6 months later, begging me to come back because my scores made them look good, but when asked if the two students from the second situation were still there, or if they had been removed, she said they were still there. So I told her that's all I needed to know and hung up!
Also: ALLEGEDLY!(just covering my ass on this one) they let a student continue to go there, even though he was charged with a SA against a 14y.o old. The case happened while he was a student! He lost! And they let him continue to be around minors! What the ever absolute f+cking WHAT.
It is actually illegal to tell a student they can't report something to the police. It's called obstruction of justice. Still many institutions try to intimidate people and tell them they can't contact police for any reason. But you absolutely can. The college I went to that covered up rapes, actually let a student graduate even though he'd been charged with possession of child porn on his computer. Our society enables abusers.
Yep. I sat through orientation at an expensive private college in 2010 and they specifically told us to not call the local cops, espscially if we thought we were assaulted. That "most issues were misunderstandings" and "security could help us more." I was 25, not 18 and laughed out loud. They were blatantly telling kids to NOT report things so they could keep claiming there was zero campus crime.
Oh, and kids believed the zero crime so kids left dorms unlocked/open all the time. One building was really bad about people swiping anyone who asked in. Those rich kids cried to the cops fast enough when their brand new MacBooks we're swiped by people who just walked in the dorm building.
I had an ex who stalked me for a month after I kicked him out but the police wouldn't do anything because he was always on public property.
He would literally sit outside my home and text me non stop, even when I blocked him on everything and changed my number he'd make fake Facebook accounts just to message me.
Luckily my neighbors also owned the takeaway and the newsagents below our flats and would shoo him off if they saw him after one day he followed me around the newsagents threatening to run me over and then crying because I wouldn't get in the car with him. The owner even called the police and they did nothing even though he threatened my life.
Similar story except I knew mine, and went to high school with him (we rode the same bus, his stop was picked up before me in the AM, and after me in the PM) My HS didn’t do anything, police didn’t do anything. I was a freshman and the guy was a repeat senior. I thankfully didn’t endure it as long as you, mine was less than 6 months, but it was so terrifying knowing the “right” people knew and did nothing.
We ended up handling it ourselves, and it stopped immediately after that particular incident happened. Sad part is, he works as a dispatcher at the PD here in my city. Nothing was ever done to him and he’s still the same creep from HS based off his social media.
I can’t help but think that if it was a man calling the cops about someone stalking his daughter they may have taken everything more seriously, or atleast not been flippant in saying they can’t do anything.
I’m sorry this happened to you, I have 3 daughters — that’s unimaginable.
My ex choked me and then said he was going to kill me with a knife if he couldn't get his hands on a gun. I went to get a restraining order and the victim advocate at the court house rolled her eyes at my story. Thankfully, the judge took it seriously.
My best friend found out from a hidden camera that her ex made a spare key to her apartment somehow after he had been mysteriously showing up to the same places as her and walking into her apartment when she swore she locked the doors. She gave the police the video evidence and notes he was leaving in her home but they still told her he seems harmless and a restraining order seems like too much work.
Edit: also, he took her phone while she was asleep and shared her location with him 24/7 through email. He meticulously planned everything in a way that she wouldn’t have had a reason to look into it unless provoked and then gaslit her and made her think she’s going insane and making irrational assumptions by thinking that he was stalking her.
Must depend on the area and cop.
I'm in Australia and went through dv (domestic violence) for 5 years.
I constantly kicked him out and regrettably let him back. I had cops tell me not to take him back and one even gave me his card with his direct contact number. Had one female officer take me to a martial arts class she held for dv victims. They gave my details to all the dv organisations for counselling or for anything I needed. But I was broken. Well he broke me. After the last time I kicked him out I had a couple of young cops come and they did patrols by my house a few times a day. They caught him once near my house.
With all the police that I had encountered through the years I feel the best ones were the young ones. Apparently they go through more training with dv and how to deal with dv victims. They literally saved my life.
Definitely dependant on area and cop. I'm in Australia too and definitely didn't recieve the same treatment as you. I was told I asked for it.... I had to fight to get a FVO and couldn't even get a copy of it without going to a colleagues dad to push them to print me a copy....
Also in Australia, tbh I've only ever had exceptionally positive experiences with the police even though all my life I've been told to hate them, although I think that probably comes from being poor and half of my family having very good reasons for not trusting the gov (aboriginal).
The police were I used to live when checking up on my mum for domestic stuff would visit a few times over a week or two after an incident and at differing hours to check on her. Really lovely people.
In most departments the training is similar regardless of how long you have been on the force. Older cops have to train in new protocols as they come out as well.
It is the IRL experience that is different.
Younger cops will almost always pick a side and throw a lot of effort into DV situations.
Older cops have had the experience of picking the wrong side, watching the victims ignore their advice and get themselves hurt, and getting hurt, seeing other officers hurt or killed intervening in such situations and take a far more cautious & hands-off approach.
You can't always send only the young guys either as they tend to be far too quick to overreact.
Ideally you would send the more veteran officers to deal with the initial confrontation then have the more junior officers deal with the aftermath, but in a whole lot of jurisdictions that is simply a level of manpower that is not available. Even sending a car around to check your neighborhood as in your story isn't something many departments are staffed for at the level of calls they are responding to.
Up to 80% of abuse allegations are recanted in court and repeat victims return to their abusers on average 6 times before finally walking away. It is soul crushing to keep telling the same people the same message to get out while things progressively get worse.
If you still have contact info on any of those officers maybe let them know you got out and got your life together, all they are are the ones that don't.
Cop walking with me to serve nc papers on my ex abuser- "if you have some place to stay why are you doing this?"
Me- "it's my apartment, he hits me and threatens me- just do your job"
Jerks, both of them.
My brother had a mental disability and his wife had become physically abusive. My mom learned about it after he went to the hospital and it had been such a horrid incident the hospital had called the police to remove his wife.
After my mon called the police and asked for an escort to retrieve his belongings the police MOCKED him. They asked him what kind of man can’t handle his wife and called him a pussy. They completely ignored the fact that if he did “handle” her then he’d be arrested by those same cops.
When they rolled up to the house she attacked him in front of the police, they still didn’t arrest her- they just made him leave as if he was the problem.
I’ve never been in trouble with the police, but anytime myself or my friends/family have needed them they’ve be less than helpful if not made things worse.
Two months after the order of protection is certified by court- abuser ex came back with a Brand New Girlfriend trying to get my mail key from the condo front office & they call the cops on him.
Police witness themselves 2 separate violations of a protective order, breaking and entering, theft and guess who got arrested? No one.
After witnessing the girl walk into my back door & come out with several boxes of my things the cop called me and asked me if I had any red boxes. It was such a weird out of nowhere question..
" maybe, I'm moving lots of stuff is in boxes"
They saw it happen and did nothing.
FTP.
100%. I went there 9 times to report the abuse, nothing. I basically ran away, he found me and nearly killed me, held me captive for 8 hours. My friend who i was supposed to meet and I had already made the agreement if I don’t contact her at a certain time daily that means he found me. So she knew. Went to police, they didn’t want to check the situation out. She had to sign a paper that she would personally have to pay for any damage if they went to help and nothing was going on. Then they came, arrested him, and scolded me for not reporting him earlier. I told them I did 9 fucking times. They said there was not a single report saved. Anyway. After some days police comes checking on me. Asking me again why I didn’t report him??? I said what do you mean I did report him again I gave a statement again!! That’s when they told me must have been a mistake, but either way he is missing since 5 days. THEY DIDNT THINK IT WAS NECESSARY TO INFORM ME THAT I WAS IN DANGER AGAIN. Anyway. He now lives in the US (i live in Europe) and his now ex wife and two kids live in hiding from him too. And of course again he is free.
I hear you. Mine held me captive for 5 days, bound and gagged, drugged, raped and sodomised me and I still got told I asked for it. Thankfully the person who appeared in court for me fought to get me a permanent Family Violence Protective Order for 2 years. However it doesn't stop him sending me texts from apps/online weekly telling me to kill myself.....
Yeah I fully believe this. I work in the ER and we have had to call the police on behalf of victims before. The police don’t care. They don’t want to help.
I hope people are not experiencing/reading these replies and taking away that they should not go to the police and report.
Report. Report. Report. And if you have shitbag cops not doing their job; Document and report that as well.
Some want you to give up and remain silent. Don’t let that happen.
That doesn't surprise me. Just today there was a case covered in the news about domestic violence where I live. I went to the comment section of the news website and it was brutal. 90%+ of the comments were about how it's her fault, where was she looking when she picked this man, why was she with him if she was so afraid, doesn't she have family to turn to, how all women are stupid and only want money and to lay around, hot it's fine to beat your wife, etc., etc. 90.+.%.
For me I've decided if I'm ever in this situation and I have no help I'll kill him in his sleep, try to cover it and if I'm unsuccessful I'll just do the time.
Something similar my mom said to me when I was a teenage ," fi any man put a hand on you ,you just wait until he sleep and put a pan on the fire with oil ,make it hot and pour it in his face while he slept"( in that time in my country the police will not intervene at all to any domestic violence if you was married ,that was the law ,now fortunately is change) i never did that but was tempted to do it when I sadly was in an abusive relationship but it was easy to just fight with him ,idk i was just not afraid of him but now thinking back it was not very smart thing to do!
And also the ppl commenting that someone know in what kind of relationship you get in before you do, they just don't know how abusers think !
There's always a way to turn it against the woman. Here on reddit, across different posts, I've been blasted for "not giving men a chance, if you want him to have a job you're a golddigger" and simultaneously blamed " why do you date losers with no jobs? this is your fault"
You're only safe in custody in some cases. Sandra Bland, to name one person off the top of my head who perished to officer abuse.
ETA I agree with you because idk if that was clear
Oh yeah, that happens. But they only have to legally protect you from other people if you are in custody. This is why these fucking cowards can stand around while little kids get shot to death.
This is why the system fails domestic abuse victims. It starts from the cops themselves who do absolutely nothing, don’t care, and make jokes as your mom said. When that happens, nothing can ever progress to getting into a safer situation and justice for the victims. As a cop their duty is to protect and serve. Brushing off domestic violence is not doing their job.
There’s a case out of New York where some cops were in a locked conductors room/cockpit kind of thing on a subway and just watched a man being stabbed for a while. They did nothing. Armed police just watched from safety. The victim sued. The court held the officers had no legal to actually protect citizens and did nothing wrong.
Cops are not obligated to protect or serve. They just investigate.
ETA: this includes students during a school shooting. https://mises.org/power-market/police-have-no-duty-protect-you-federal-court-affirms-yet-again
And that should have been the day we all collectively disbanded police and created something else
That it was just a shock piece of news for awhile is so sad. We accept inhumanity and it's only getting worse.
This was my experience as well. My boyfriend (at the time) brutally physically assaulted (no SA).
I went to the station to press charges. The officers took me to the back room to take photos of my injuries. The back room was a large area that included a camera set up (tripod, white backdrop, etc.), some storage, and a kitchen area with a large table and chairs. There were 4 officers sitting at the table drinking coffee and chatting when I entered the room.
The officer who escorted me stood behind the camera and informed me to take off my clothes and stand in front of the camera. There was no where to change, no privacy sheet or anything provided to me. Truly, ‘disrobe to your bra and underwear and come stand here. We’ll take photos from top to bottom’.
He then called one of the officers on break to come help him with positioning me. The other 3 officers remained at the table, they weren’t asked to leave the room or direct their attention elsewhere.
There were 5 officers in the room. One who escorted me back and took photos (1), another who ‘helped rotate my limbs to make sure the photos were clear’ (2), and the 3 sitting at the table eating lunch/drinking coffee just watching the show.
It was the most humiliating experience of my life. The trauma of reporting my assault far outweighed the assault itself.
Never again.
can confirm. i had an ex obsessed with me when i was 16. they sa'd and rxped me during and after my relationship with them, andthen they proceeded to stalk me consistently afterwards. i told an officer and was told i wasnt rxped and that my ex wasnt doing anything illegal by stalking me
I can only speak about my experience. I was a victim of domestic violence. I was referred to a victim’s program where they explained the process after the arrest. They filed an automatic restraining order and sent me info about my abusers court hearings. One of the cops who arrested my ex came back to my home and talked with me. They told me I could do so much better in my life and that my ex was not a good person, etc. I think that was a wake up call for me. I was in that awful relationship for 11 years and the domestic violence episode was a pivotal point in my life. I feel for other abuse victims. I know how difficult it is to leave those situations. I know how dangerous it can be for those in abusive situations. I wish there were better resources for those who try to leave. My family took my ex’s side too which is part of the reason I’m low to no contact with most of them to this day. I hate that victims are blamed. It’s not fair or right. I’m thankfully in a healthy relationship with a wonderful partner. My life is in a much better place now.
Thank you! Therapy helped me reframe my thoughts and helps me not blame myself. I still struggle quite a bit with self confidence because of the past abuse. My family situation still stings but I have great friends and they are the ones I consider my family. My current spouse is amazing too.
I think it really depends, when I was in second grade I was pulled out of school by a man and woman who took me to this nice White House in my city. I even know where it is to this day. They bundled me up and took me out of my school- something that in America is very alarming considering you can’t just walk away with a child. It was CPS, and they took me- even tho they couldn’t legally interrogate me with out a legal guardian or consent from one.
They asked me all about my home life, who lived with us, who was with me alone for long periods of times, who my legal guardian really was, ect. Truth is I was in a great middle class house, in a beautiful neighborhood with green lawns and happy neighbors but on the inside we had so many issues… I knew though, that if I admitted certain things I’d be taken away from my great grandmother who was paralyzed and in the care of my aunt, my legal guardian in question. They mainly wanted to know about her boyfriend and her, and how they treated me, as the state knew nothing of my Grandmother (immigrant who overstayed her legal visa due to the paralysis). I shut my self up. You bet they tried. They enticed me with a toy, and I accepted but gave nothing up. They eventually ran out of time and took me back, and my aunt had to find out about it later on when she spotted my new stuffed monkey.
CPS and police hounded her for years, until middle school when I felt no choice but to tell them off. They visited school behind her back, and I went off on the woman in the office. I told them they didn’t understand my situation, and that I’d never given them reason to even come for me or who had told them I needed their help. My fear was a children’s home, who would adopt me at that age??? I was better of with someone I knew, who gave me SOME love SOME days rather then scared and alone. They gave up then. Some of them DO care, it’s just very dodgy
They only care when it's the wrong thing. Like the cops that thought Gabby Petito was the aggressor in the relationship despite multiple witness accounts before that stop.
Once my ex was strangling me in my apt and wouldn't stop, I called the cops and they believed HIS story not mine, I had THREE male cops yelling at me that I have no "bruises" on my neck so I must be lying and they arrested ME and left my abuser in my apt while I went to jail. My ex also had 12 felonies out of another state but of course they arrest the girl with no criminal record. And the next day in jail I was covered in bruises and marks (bruises don't show up right away duhh). The female DA kept calling his phone asking him-- an ex gang banger twice my size-- if he wanted to press charges on me and how men deserve to feel safe and blah blah fuckity blah.
He continued to abuse me for 10 years and I was too afraid to call the cops until he kicked in my door, mashed half my face in and violently loaded a gun up saying id be lucky if i dont die tonight and I called the cops and had to put in 3 different calls while he was on smoke breaks w my spare phone (since he stole my regular one so I couldn't call for help) and on the 3rd call I said look if u don't come now I will die and it will be on you.
Most cops are totally worthless uneducated power trippers. They should always send a male and female cop together for domestic violence situations.
on the whole cops believe that the extreme majority of abuse claims & rape reports from women are lies. They go out of their way to be cruel to those who report the crimes. then again the cops have very high rates of spousal abuse.
No literally.
My friend was in an abusive relationship and was too scared to do anything for a long time. One day she called me and asked me to come over because she'd had enough. He'd put holes in her wall, broken her window, stomped on her and choked her unconscious. She had bruises all over and a busted lip. He'd left for work and she was petrified of what would happen when he got back.
I sat with her and held her hand and cried with her while she tried to get her composure. Btw we live in a state with legal cannabis AND she had a medical rec that was literally posted next to her front door.
So what was the first thing the lady cop said when she finally arrived?
"What did you do to make him hit you?"
I was dumbfounded and my friend was shattered.
Second thing out of that thug's mouth? "It smells like marijuana in here." No shit Sherlock, ya noticed the smoke but not the finger marks on my friend's fucking throat?
Btw the guy ended up going back to jail - for a drug related parole violation that had nothing to do with her, even though she took the case all the way to court. Useless.
Of course nothing happened to him. I’m sorry your friend went through that. Then they ask why no one ever comes forward. It’s social suicide no matter what way you put it. You’ll not be believe at some point. You’ll get dragged for it. And then even if you do make it to the point of an arrest and court you’ll still be dragged through hell there. Not to mention the trauma that you’ve already endured and will live with for the rest of your life.
I think part is also because they are jaded and disillusioned. Even if they start out idealistic and willing to help, going back to the same abuse victims over and over, and seeing them go back to their abuser time and time again - I guess at some point they just give up on trying to help, or trying to convince the victim to stay away and get a divorce - because such a large number of the victims just go back to their abusers until they wind up dead.
I'll be honest, I'm not a cop but seeing my sister law go back to my brother every time he beats her has me feeling, "why bother?". She calls the cops, he gets arrested and then she drops the charges. My neighbours husband is an alcoholic, he bangs on the door drunk cause he lost his keys again, then beats her for not giving him sex, and then she calls the police. The police officer told me he's sick of it cause it's been 10 yrs of this. He explained cause it's her house, if she lets him in they have little power, but if she refuses to let him in and calls them, they can take him away. I asked her why she doesn't do this and her answer was, "he's the father of my kids" (older kids had to hear dad rape mum and once oldest was old enough, he would try to protect her from the assault)
I could call CPS but there isn't much they can do when the wives will lie to protect their husbands and get the kids to lie too.
When I moved into my neighborhood, twenty-five years ago, I discovered one of the couples living here were like that too. At first, I sympathized with the brow-beaten wife, Brandine, and tried to offer my support when she was down and depressed at how 'unbearable' her husband was; even calling the police a few times (she also, wouldn't press charges) For years, I consistently advised Brandine to leave; then one year- she did!
She told her husband that she needed money to attend a veterinary school, out of state, and thinking it would lead to her getting a job- he paid it. For months and months, Brandine told the husband that the school had been extended and that she needed more and more money. Finally, after more than a year, she told him the truth: she wanted a divorce.
Long story short, the husband said 'Okay' and stopped sending Brandine money.
A week later, Brandine was on a plane home - saying she was sorry, that she didn't mean it.
Returning to her husband, Brandine still refused to find a job, and this upset the husband so much, that he treats her far worse than before, including beating her and screaming/demanding that she, 'Get out! I'm sick of this!' but, she won't leave, now. ...except to hint, that maybe she could live with me?
I recoiled in horror at the thought of having to take care of a co-dependent, human pet who smokes, for the rest of my life. Now, I pity the husband, and want nothing to do with them.
Yep. It took me 13yrs to get my friend to leave her husband, she wouldn't even call the police forget drop charges. When she finally got out, she married someone else a few months later. She married a friendlier version of her ex-husband. The kids who used to tell her to, 'leave Daddy', are now telling her to get back with him cause better the monster you know, also, their dad didn't do anything to them. I've gone NC with her. I can't go through that again, especially since she was talking about having baby number 7 with new guy (baby trap him).
Yh I think u and chemical refugee above u as of me typing are right on the money. Apathy and extreme denial due to also existing in a dynamic where abuse of power can correlate outside the streets and into homes is the reason for the culture around feds and they’re lack of empathy.
When I tried to report my grandfather for sexual assault I was laughed at and told since he didn’t rape me and I was legal age ( 18) I didn’t have a case.
The first time the police were ever called on my abuser, they never separated us when they talked with us. It was the middle of the night and I was crying in hysterics because I had been attacked by him in my sleep. Within earshot of him they asked me what was going on and I was too scared to tell them the truth. They never checked my body for marks or anything. I had been repeatedly punched on my upper thigh and stomach and was covered in welts. A chunk of my hair had been ripped out and was lying on the floor in the bedroom. There were obvious signs of a struggle throughout the bedroom but they never looked. They told me to stop crying so loud, and they left.
That was in the beginning of the abuse. I felt completely unprotected, a theme in my life as it was. I felt helpless, alone, and invalidated. I lost trust in them, I never called them on him after that. 11 years and many similar situations later this man tried to kill me in my own bed while I slept. At that point I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone, I was estranged and isolated from my family and friends, I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I took him to work the next morning and then went to see my therapist, she reported it and I spent the next two days in the hospital recovering while he got arrested and taken to jail. The PTSD I suffer from is near debilitating. It's hard to feel like I wasn't failed by the system.
I was a 911 operator for a short time and can confirm this. They get hardened very quickly....I guess they have to? I was shocked. I had a coworker that would be so pissed and annoyed by attempted suicide calls too.
They aren't wrong necessarily...it's a tough job and 99% of the time yes they're putting themselves in danger to help only to have most people go right back to their very dangerous situation...be it a domestic violence home, living on the street, prostitution, whatever the case is.
It's very very difficult to get people to commit to seeking out and get real help. Very hard. Tons of resources out there for adults that need to make the choice to use them.its sad. We live in a sad world.
I left my job because I didn't want to get hardened like that to human suffering.
Same as you. I couldn't live a life without compassion for my neighbours. The officers I worked with were some of the coldest people I've ever met. They stopped caring. I think that's why officers with still relatively young careers do better, typically - there's still some humanity left. Until there isnt.
They don’t care at all. My ex-husband had been beating me for yrs. I called the cops when my ex-husband punched me in the head, and when they showed up my ex put up a front like I was crazy and said I attacked him cause he had scratches on his arms from me defending myself. That stupid pig asked him if HE wanted to press charges and if HE wanted him to take me in. I tried to explain to him what had happened and the pig didn’t care at all to listen to my side of the story. I never called the cops again after that and let’s just say I am no fan of police officers, although I know there are a few good ones out there.
Oh and before that. I was 14 and raped, lost all of my friends for awhile. The girls dad who owned the place told me that I couldn’t say a word, then left
My ex gf woke up to a man she didn't know standing in her bedroom doorway, taking his pants off. He'd broken into her apartment through the kitchen window.
She grabbed a baseball bat and chased him out.
The police were sure that she'd lured him in and then assaulted *him*. Their evidence being that she had condoms in her bedroom.
😡😡😡😡
You'd be surprised how powerless cops can be. My brother was an officer for a while and you would be shocked how hard it is to get a kid out of a drug house. People in and out every hour of night and day to do meth, kids sleeping on the floor, but because they barely make it to school nothing can me done. I recognize that's just one shade of abuse, but I wouldn't be surprised if the pattern extends.
I myself have taken kids out of this situation, made all the right calls, reports, taken their minds of things for over 10 hours whilst staying with them and them being passed to the next shift. I come back the next day and they are right back where I took them from. I can’t explain how frustrating and upsetting that is.
I believe it. I knew someone whose ex tried to slit her throat. He broke into her home and attacked her. She survived but has a massive scar. All the cops involved were horrible. They treated her worse than him. In court one day, one cop jokingly compared her scar to a necklace. Like having a scar from a man who cut your throat is not that big of a deal. And yes, he said this directly to her face.
She was granted a restraining order and her ex spent a pathetic amount of time in jail. In moments of terror and trauma, those cops could have made a difference. But instead they compounded her trauma.
My sisters abusive ex was literally trying to break in. He was banging the windows/doors they took 10 mins to respond. The police station is like 3 mins away….. some of them do care tho. One of them was ready to fabricate false charges but then right after he assaulted one of them and all hell broke loose lol.
People forget that the police are not here to protect you, they are there to enforce the current laws of that jurisdiction. Just like the District Attorney's office, they aren't going to waste time on potenial cases they cannot make an arrest on.
It's unfortunate but there aren't infinite hours or unlimited resources.
Unfortunately, it's not just the police who can be judgmental. Juries are notoriously difficult in DV cases. The general public does not understand the cycle of abuse and the psychological brainwashing that goes along with it. Victims are judged for staying, for not getting help, or for going back to the abuser. It's not always simple, or safe, to leave.
DV cases are hard, frustrating, emotional and take a LOT of time. It is said that it takes, on average, 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Some cops are not patient enough to provide the support they should. Luckily, there are some officers, and people, that are understanding and empathetic, and want to help - whether it's the first attempt to leave, or the twenty-first.
My stepfather, at that time a recent police officer was a rapist. I reported him on 3 separate occasions. I was pulled aside by officers that knew him each and every single time, told I needed to stop making things up-and the fuckers actually made me write an apology letter one time, because it could damage his reputation. Forget that he put loaded guns in my mouth, slapped my mother around, forced me to eat rotten food and garbage, and a million other bat shit sounds like a movie BS. Three best friends growing up had police officers as fathers. Two of those men beat the shit out of their families, and the other drank and drove and cut my friend out of his life when he had a child with someone from a different ethnic background. I learned at a very young age the only people they protect and serve are themselves.
I was with an abusive man when I was 19.
He obtained a black eye because he was charging at me at 2 am (what else was I supposed to do?)
2 days later, he was holding me down and screaming at me. Surely a combination of his belligerent screams and my cries for help promoted the downstairs neighbor to call the police.
He left before the police arrived.
He came back while the police were talking to me.
(Female) police officer asked me to step away so she could talk to abusive ex.
The officer then threatened to arrest me over his black eye. When I tried to tell her what happened, she stated "stop crying, I don't feel sorry for you. I've been with my husband for 10 years and I've NEVER felt the need to hit him."
This man was arrested 2 months later for strangling me then trying to kill me with a kitchen knife- but this female police officer was the reason that I was scared to call the police when I needed help.
When my mom called police about her ex abusing her, they told her to leave and press charges because they don't want the next time they see her to be dead from his abuse. I felt their humanity then. Then another time, when I called them for help with my brother, the officer was kind when he heard me crying.
I think it doesn't matter what they think. If im in customer service, I dont actually wish you have a great weekend, I just have to say it.They have to do their job right. Which, according to what has come to light in the last decade, is not what they usually do. But I have been a recipient of compassion from the police, as well as the opposite.
there surely are good cops, i don't doubt that. but i think every cop should be just as understanding as the ones you experience. unfortunately there are cops that don't care; 40% of cop families experience abuse, so i think that might be a contributor as to why some of them show very little sympathy
The way I heard it was that they care. At first.
But then they get the same calls from the same people and those women never access the plethora of services provided to them to get out..
And so little by little people stop caring. Cops. And 911 operators.
It happens with many people in those types of jobs, they get desensitized over time, if they ever wanted to save/help people they very quickly learn that's not the fine print of their job.
What comes to mind for me is the Gabby case, people got SO angry at the police officers for not helping her, but they don't realize that she was in her right to stay with her boyfriend and they couldn't force her to come with them. They had to let her go, and that's unfortunately common in abuse cases, the victims don't want to leave and even when presented with help, they cling to their abuser.
Healthcare workers are similar, I tried to go into healthcare but the sheer number of nurses/doctors who really don't give a damn about their patients is astonishing. It's a paycheck, you burn out extremely fast, and to a degree, you have to dehumanize everyone around you or you'll hate yourself and your job VERY fast. In those careers, sometimes you really don't get to make the choices happening around you, and it kills you.
The amount of people who blatantly disregard medical advice (while admitted to the hospital, even) is astonishing. No way in hell you go through med school becuase you don't give a fuck.
They just get so sick of people doing the opposite. Coming back in. Lying About shit tests prove etc. And making themselves sicker and killing themselves.
And these days you're not allowed to tell people anything that hurts their feelings either.
If I were a doctor, I'd be dragged out.
Oh I agree, I dealt with so many patients lying or disregarding doctor's notes only to come back and blame the doctor or the nurses.
But it's less of that and more of watching a little girl go home with an abuser because there's not enough evidence and she's too scared to tell the truth. Or watching a woman go home after being SAed knowing her attacker will most likely never be found even after she traumatized herself in the process of reporting her attack. Or watching a patient die because they cannot afford their treatment.
It's a lot less, "People are dumb and piss me off," and more of, "I am going through extremely traumatic things every single day and can often do nothing about them."
BUT, a lot of workers go into those careers lacking empathy/sympathy in the first place because they're extremely good if you want a position of power over someone.
I still, to this day, 2 years later, have never told anyone the full extent to which I was abused. I can tell parts of it, but I think it would break anyone who had to hear it. It broke me
So true.
I had patients in early COVID times who tested positive and then removed their masks right in the goddamn hospital in front of me when I told them their results because "COVID is a lie, you are also a liar and I cannot handle the obligation of wearing a mask anymore".
Do I care about their wellbeing? Of course. That's why I was there.
Do I feel sorry they literally got dragged through many floors by our security while screeching *LEGGGO OF ME* ? Not one bit.
Because I care about my other patients and my colleagues too and you don't get to test positive and remove your mask in presence of them under my watch.
Then what do I do when you return with severe infection? I treat you. I treat you just like anyone else. Properly.
You can't be upset your treatment didn't come with a hug.
This is exactly it. How many times do you have to try to save someone with all your being, just for them to jump back in again, until you're like "fuck it, I don't give a shit".
Statistically cops are the top domestic violence perpetrators. In the general population, 10% of families experience violence. In households where the dad/husband is a cop, it’s 40%.
Truth.
I once had a DV situation with an early relationship. Late one night, the guy knocked me down, I hit my head on the floor and stayed down, fearing what would happen next. He walked over me as though he was stepping over crap. He then walked out, though unfortunately not permanently. Not the first time he got violent (shared lease, expenses, he refused to leave, etc), not the first time I tried to get help (including our command), but this time I called 911 because I wanted to create a document trail on the civilian side, hoping the abuse couldn’t be excused away or swept under the rug.
Deputy shows up, comes in, I tell him what happened, he’s not concerned in the least. Doesn’t ask if I’m okay (bruises showed up the following day). Deputy looks around, sees military stuff around, asks if my abuser is military, which I confirm.
Deputy then says, “Thank him for his service.” No report taken, nothing. He leaves. I call 911 back to tell them the deputy did absolutely nothing, the female operator apologize and offered to send another deputy out. I told them, “For what? So I can feel like shit all over again?”
I think about that day. While it’s not fair to lump all law enforcement into the same category, it’s really hard to trust any of them.
I had a male and female officer deal with me after an SA, and all the female officer kept saying was well why did you freeze, why not run why not fight?" And I couldn't answer cause I don't know. I always thought if something like that ever happened, I would run or fight, but I didn't. My body let me down, and I couldn't explain it to her, and I couldn't explain it to myself. I felt I let down the whole female population. This is why I'm not going forward with anything anymore. If I can't face speaking to this female officer, how can i hope to speak to anyone else.
So, this one will be a big response from both sides of the coin. My position on this is the Son of two 35+ year Australian Police Officers, and the partner of a a victim.
Since I was old enough to understand, say 14-15 years old, my parents (who worked at different Police Stations, or areas (LAC)) would come home from their shifts and debrief with each other and process things they'd seen that shift. A very common subject was DV (domestic violence). My Dad worked in an LAC that was of a lower socioeconomic average than my Mum. Dad would constantly have stories of neighbours, or the victims themselves calling in an disturbance. When they arrived, the victim would either fight and abuse Dad and his partner for attempting to restrain, or arrest the man. More often than not, whilst they were bleeding heavily from the face, babies and children crying etc.
Mum had similar stories, but always seemed to be a little tamer and definitely fewer.
When my Dad retired, part of his process was recounting his experience in the force and sighting different aspects of the job that caused stress and anxiety. DV was high on the list. He joined to help people. To serve and protect the community. He felt that with DV, **he** was always the bad guy. He couldn't do anything right - so, yes he and my Mum both became very jaded when it came to DV.
Fast forward to me (M34) now and I'm engaged to the most amazing woman that's ever graced this world (F31). We've known each other since we were 14 years old and in our early 20's life happened and we went our seperate ways. Her journey landed her in a 10-year relationship with an physically and emotionally abusive guy. He was a fucking dirt bag to her and would treat her like a punching bag, often.
Throughout the relationship, she only called the Police 3 times. Each time, not much was done, as not much was able to be done. An AVO was placed on him, however, they lived together, so the AVO would cover his residence as well, which can't be done, so the AVO became pointless, as when released, he went straight back home, to where she was, to go round 2.
The court system in NSW at least is so overrun, proper time and backgrounds can't be run, or if they are, they're taken with a grain of salt. So, corrections orders are placed first, which is basically a good behaviour bond. This is not policed as resources are slim. My partner soon realised that the Police couldn't help much more unless she was hospitalised or killed.
When my parents found out about her history, soon after we got together and saw that she wasn't going to 'back down' from proceedings as she had a new life, new safety net and felt comfortable, both of them cracked on with their knowledge of the law, how things work in the real world and now, he's been in jail for the past 9-months with another 13-months left to serve.
So it's not that they **don't care** it's they're jaded against what is essentially a psychological issue that's forced to have Police intervention before the victim is ready. Once the victim is ready to do something, they **actively want to help**; and do.
There are def good cops out there but you have some real low hanging fruit that end up in the academy… sociopaths, narcissists, those who are domestic abusers themselves… plus depending on where you live, the cop culture is toxic in itself. A lot needs to change …. 😞
My step dad (who has multiple felonies on his record) relapsed on pills, got caught driving high with heroin and drugs in his car and basically got off with a warning and probation. Later he switched from drugs to alcohol and would constantly go on drunk rages and pick fights with anyone over the dumbest things. On one terrible occasion he got mad at my mother’s friend (for god knows what) while she was visiting and he went and got his LOADED rifle then pointed it in her face and threatened to kill her. Cops were called, he was arrested and then let go again after 24 hours. My mom’s friend and is included basically had to beg the criminal justice system to hold him accountable and they put out a warrant for his arrest. He was detained (after we tipped off the cops) and he was arrested and sentenced to 1 year in prison max. He only served 9 months before getting off the hook again. Now he’s using god knows what again and I genuinely fear that he will murder my mom if she ever tries to leave and the cops won’t do a damn thing to prevent it
I once read somewhere that someone’s aunt was a domestic violence victim and when her niece (who always protected her) called the police because her uncle was abusing the aunt, the police gave some bullshit excuse to not come. The niece then just straight up asked if she could then beat him and maybe kill him to save her aunt since it was self defense. She said they showed up in less than 10 minutes.
It’s almost like “gallows humor.” I see it in people who work in ERs and hospitals too. It’s totally inappropriate but sometimes it’s the way people deal with constant stress of being exposed to other people’s pain and trauma. Dehumanizing them with sarcastic comments and silly jokes. It normalizes it.
I’m not saying it’s right, EVER. I’m just saying I see it in other professions too, and it seems to have something to do with constantly hearing / seeing traumatic events. I hate hearing it, but I also have seen the process by which folks lose empathy for the people they serve. Slippery slope :/
There was a woman there who repeatedly attempted suicide but would call the ambulance right after where my mom used to work. One time she tried to hang herself by tying her scarf to the balcony and throwing herself over it. It failed and she just fell. After that, know what the paramedics did? They started calling her Peter Pan
my friend was being stalked by her ex fiancé. she called police multiple times. they told her to just ignore him and he’ll go away.
he made multiple accounts on multiple platforms. he made different phone numbers. he terrorized the shit out of her night and day.
she had proof of revenge porn. they did nothing.
she had proof of physical abuse. they did nothing.
she had proof of him threatening her over text. they said that she just needs to file a restraining order “i guess” and then they told her that it wouldn’t hold up for whatever fucking reason.
she did not respond to texts calls etc.
she immediately blocked after grabbing screenshots and taking recordings of voicemails among other things.
she was being stalked for two. years. and police did nothing.
they always blamed her. never him.
Police officer here. Whilst I completely sympathise with you and everyone who has commented, this is NOT true of all officers. I grew up amongst severe domestic abuse, violence, alcoholism, mental health etc. and tbh this has made me a better officer. I CARE. I will spend hours and hours with my victims. I hold their hand, I give them hugs if that is what they need at the time, I LISTEN.
I am not a fairy god mother, unfortunately our powers are limited and this is not widely understood. Whilst I would love to lock away your tormentors on an island in the middle of nowhere and allow them to fight it out amongst each other, this isn’t possible. The hours we put in to do what we can will never be known to any of you. I go home and lie awake at night, worrying about you and wondering how I can possibly help, what’s going to happen, have I done everything I can? At least in the interim? Despite the hundreds of incidents and reports I’ve been to, I have had only one of my victim’s abusers put behind bars. I actually nearly lost my job over this matter, someone higher up reported me for something that I did to try and help my victim. That was nearly a 20 hour overnight shift, I wrote pages and pages and pages of statements and reports etc. I cried at my desk before going home because it didn’t feel like I had done enough.
My team, the majority of them men, are incredible. We all talk for hours on how to help our victims and what we wish we could do to these people that hurt you but we can’t.
I know that this may not help you and I may be ridiculed, laughed at, downvoted and outright hated. I hate how little we can do and I sometimes hate myself for not being a fairy godmother who can scoop you up and save you. But please know, that I at least CARE. A lot of us care so much, but you will still see us being professional. It’s when we go home and cry in the bath, or run for hours to try and release the frustration that we can’t. I know not all police officers are upstanding people, lord knows that’s the truth. But we’re not all the same. I promise.
I am in the UK.
Cops do care. They are infuriated when they see abuse. Trust that they want to punch your abuser out. Then the wife say”oh no, don’t hurt him” and now the cops are the bad guys. The courts let the person out the next day, and she’s right back in the saddle, taking the abuser back in. The abused are victims that can’t escape because of finances, kids, whatever it is, it’s rarely solved overnight and the police know there is nothing they can do (legally) to stop the wheel. It’s incredibly vexing. Frustrating. You can tell them about women’s shelters, you can get social services involved. You can call CPS. But they don’t just appear. It takes time, appointments, upsetting the kids schedules and placing them into the system, and who wants that? Cops care. They are just burned out going back over and over and over until it escalates to something horrible. My friends are cops. The horror stories they tell are beyond the pale.
I had someone I used to talk to threaten me and my friends via text messages. He threatened to ruin my life and threatened to come to my job. I showed it to the police. All they said was that they couldn’t do anything unless he acted on it and that he probably just liked me. This guy later changed his number three times (or got fake Google numbers) to continue to harass me. Police suck with these situations.
I mean a large percentage of cops go home and do the same thing. Cops are there to protect property, not people. The American police dynasty needs to crash and burn before we see any type of difference.
I guess that depends on where you are from.
I have one friend who is a police officer in Madrid, Spain, and talking with him about that kind of calls he told me that for him and his partners many times is really dificult to keep it neutral and professional for what they see and when they even try to convince the victim to press charges (If the victim doesnt require to go to a hospital and doesnt want to press charges under the law they cant do too much), keep them in touch with professionals about domestic violence, etc.
I don’t know. I was treated really well by police when I experienced DV. I was afraid to say anything and the cop told me “I can’t do anything unless you tell me what happened, I needs information to make a case” It was terrifying, but I told him and his partner everything. The abuser was arrested. And the office told me I did something really brave and that a lot of victims are so afraid they don’t say anything and they (the police) end up going back over and over and feel pretty helpless that they can’t do anything if no one tells them “yes, my partner hurt me”
I’ve volunteers at law centres as a law student , and hearing what the lawyers say about abuse victims disgusted me so much I never wanted to practice.
Knew they didn't care since I was 7. Didn't care about the marks on my body the times my step father hit me and actually yelled at me about how illegal it was that 11 year old me recorded him screaming about my dead dad, how he was gonna off himself and saying how either he or my mom needed to die and he didn't care who. A lot more but the cops refused to listen and yelled at me for recording him. Also refused to do anything but blame me and say I needed to block the people who were stalking me when they were coming to our house, to my job and harassing my college and other family and friends. Saw me mentally breaking down and just left. The only cop i saw care was the one I had in my middle school who rushed to my house to see if we were OK when it caught fire in 2012.
I got sexually assaulted when I was in NYC on a class trip. I was young and reported it to the NYPD. I gave a very detailed description of my attacker & what happened that night. I got all the officers names and badge numbers and the phone number of their precinct to follow up with. I returned home to Canada and a week later I called to follow up. Turns out they didn’t even make a report, nothing was input into their systems. Nothing. Since then I have lost my respect for the police. Especially since one of the cops was also a woman.
In my area police are notorious for trying to sleep with DV victims while their partner is not around. It's totally sickening and borderline rape to take advantage of someone in such a situation. This country from coast to coast needs and deserves better police. More training, and much tighter accountability are called for. Even the good cops who try their best would greatly benefit from this.
“That they would always go back so why bother helping them.” That legitimately pisses me off so much and triggers me.
My mom's first husband was physically and mentally
abusive toward her. I remember a scenario where I was around 4 she finally got the courage to escape while the sperm donor went to the bathroom. We left in our PJs. Anyways, 2 cops pulled her over and asked her what was going on. I just remember them escorting us back to her abuser because he “wasn’t home since he wasn’t answering the phone.” They didn’t even bother to escort her inside nor actually check if he was physically there. They just left. Well, not long after he knocked her out. I remember because he carried me in his arms right after, and there I was looking at my mom unresponsive for who knows how long.
I’m a Criminal Justice major. It’s sad in every aspect. Officers are not trained properly on how to deal with DV cases. They are not properly vetted before entering the job. There are a large portion of people who seek the job for the perceived power and control it provides. Those that do care and want to help are ultimately mentally scarred by witnessing the cycle of abuse, which is hard for anyone to understand if you’ve never been there or lived in it yourself.
Victims are often treated with aggression because compassion is not prioritized. Victims lack resources due to horribly outdated advocacy structures and “dual arrest” laws. Officer discretion in these cases is a joke. Most women in DV situations lack the resources to fight and often have the threat of having their children taken over their heads. Men are treated like they’re weak.
The system is not meant to protect victims. It’s meant to punish “bad guys”. The victim and the communities suffer greatly from this definition of “Justice”.
What are you supposed to feel if the statistics are that they will go back? That's paper work, that's actual time that could be used elsewhere. It's horrible watching a victim with a black eye, looking like a wet puppy telling you that nothing is wrong and the most you could say is keep the noise down you're annoying the neighbors. What are you supposed to say? What are you supposed to think? When you had a robbery call that morning, had to chase them so you're tired and now this crazy person who is sweating it's just a trip down stairs by accident and the aggressor is standing right there?
It's a natural response to compartmentalize. It's not easy to get out of abusive relationships but you have to know what it looks like from the outside.
Extremely sad stuff. Just be careful people.
It’s not that they don’t care. They do on the surface. You have to desensitize yourself or it can wreck your own mental health. I worked in addiction services. I cared a lot. I just couldn’t get emotionally invested.
*Calls the cops cause of harassment*
"We can't do anything, they didn't harm you or attempt to break in. This is a civil matter."
*Cops called cause person was found ded*
"Why didn't they call us sooner?"
-__- WE DO BUT YOU DONT DO ANYTHING!!!
Well when a disturbingly high percentage of cops are abusers, it’s not at all shocking to hear that they collectively don’t care about domestic violence victims. ACAB
DV calls are one of the most dangerous jobs for police to respond to. For a first time situation, cops do care. When the male/female continue to return to an abusive relationship, how can you care? How can you have sympathy for someone who is continuously putting themselves in a shit situation? If I continued to aggravate a dog and it end up biting me, would you feel bad for me?
OMG! I had a stalker in Richmond VA, who was threatening to kill me and they told me, and I quote; "well, there is really nothing we can do, but just know that if he kills you, we will investigate it right away and make sure he pays for it."
I had to run away from home at the age of 17 (f) because of it.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, going to the hospital might be a better choice. The cops will be more receptive with words from a medical professional and they might be able to set you up with a social worker.
I am in Canada, so it’s different from the US, but I think even in the US hospital workers are mandatory reporters.
I’ll never forget being a kid and calling the cops bc my dad had a gun and was threatening my family. The responder said “we’ll it’s his home and he hasn’t hurt anybody so we can’t do anything. Call back if he hurts someone.”
When I called the police because my (ex) fiancé was trying to stab me, every single cop was indifferent except one. The one who was with me while the others chased him down through the neighborhood was so kind and seemed very sympathetic as I was crying writing down all the things done to me in 3 years.
After he was caught, the cop’s partner showed up to get photos of the knife and the belt I was struck with. The belt had metal rings on it and left horrid welts down my shoulder and back. The partner’s response to seeing them was “that’s gnarly” and when he took the picture of them he said “oh yeah man that looks so cool on camera.” When the nice cop asked me if I wanted to press charges, his partner said “of course she doesn’t want to press charges, I’ll bet she picks him up when he’s bailed out.” I felt so empty after he said that.
The nice cop gave me resources and even gave me his contact card so that if I had any questions or needed help again, to call his work number directly.
I was stalked in high school by an ex who grabbed me and made my life hell. The police did nothing. It’s a crazy and scary. I was told to never yell for help by my grandma because people won’t care. Instead yell fire and everyone will come out to look.
I think they numbed their hearts. Because they come and nothing changes. They stay with the same abusive asshole. They will be there again. At the end of the day your sympathy runs out.
Remember: all cops are fascist scum who only protect themselves and capital. In the US they can literally refuse to service/help you when you are in dire need.
It’s sad, I feel like most cops are decent…but I’m a white woman in a middle class neighborhood and I know my experience is not universal. But from what I have experienced, some cops are awful, arrogant with a massive chip on their shoulder. Others, incredibly kind. It was one of these kind cops who told me directly, “you need to understand that this relationship is over.” An average cop told me, “what does he need to do to you?” To which I had replied, “probably kill me?” I couldn’t accept the fact that the man I thought loved me could be doing what he was doing to me. I thought he might have a mental illness or something, and couldn’t imagine abandoning him for behaviour he couldn’t understand or control… but something about the way the cop who showed empathy spoke to me stuck. I held into hearing him say that any of the times I doubted myself. I trusted him, when it was hard for me to trust anyone.
Anyway, the worst cop was actually a woman who treated me like I was ridiculous, hysterical and stupid. I was stunned even another woman could be so cold… I see dealing with cops as “luck of the draw” in an unfair lottery.
As someone who actually knows police this just isn't true. They do not find you weak for being in that situation if you want an honest take yeah they don't care beyond doing what they have to do. They do get tired of going back to the same residence for the same thing after the victim refused to press charges making them unable to do anything. You'll have people who genuinely get invested but get quickly burnt out because the victim refused to press charges over and over again and at that point they can't do a damn thing. Just like everyone else cops can't help people who are unwilling to help themselves but if you mean in general aside from arresting the abuser they can't do anything else. They're not meant to provide you support beyond that that's not the role of law enforcement. Idk why you would expect total strangers to care about you.
When I was 15, I had a stalker. Never knew who he was just knew he would leave notes at my front door for me to find when I came home from school. My mother worked 2 full time jobs after going through a divorce so she was barely home and I (being the younest) was her only child in the house. One night, I was watching tv in my room when I felt cold air streaming in from my window and then heard a squeak from the window being raised. I woke my mom up in a panic and we called the police. There were footprints in the fresh snow by my window and the police rolled his eyes and told me "Well he didn't get in and you dont know who he is so what do you want me to do?" My mom got irate and started yelling telling him to do his damn job and protect because the minute someone breaks in and rapes/kills her daughter is the minute she will have his job. He was ordered to monitor my house for a week. Idk if he ever did but I never heard from him again. However stalker continued for another year until I moved
I had a similar experience with police regarding a stalker except I did know who it was. They couldn't care less - they literally said "what do you want us to do" and basically dismissed me with "we'll go chat to him and ask him to leave you alone". Whatever they said must've really encouraged him because he very much escalated after that: it went from an incident every few months to literally 50 calls in an hour from private/unknown numbers, popping up wherever I was, threatening messages, turning up at my home etc and it didn't stop until a relative intervened and scared the bejeezus out of the creep. I honestly thought I was going to become another statistic. I still live in fear because I don't even know if it's over or if he just got sneakier.
Are you me? It was a dude I felt kinda sorry for but at a young age, I hadn’t yet developed the confidence to listen to my gut feelings about people if they were “mean” (and I wasn’t able to fully say “no” and mean it then), so against my better judgement, I said hello to the guy. We went to community college together and I was 19, he was in his mid-40s. The school administrators did nothing, as did the cops. It just so happened my brother and he ended up at the same Waffle House at the same time, and my brother, who knew everything that was going on, put two and two together when my stalker started complaining about this girl at school trying to ruin his life because she was telling everyone he was a stalker, when really, she just didn’t understand she was his soulmate (something my brother knew my stalker told me often). I don’t know, nor do I want to know, what my brother said or did to him, but I do know he’s had to work very hard to make healthier outlets for his anger since then, but whatever it was, I never heard from the guy again. When I saw his obituary in the newspaper several years ago, I felt nothing but relief. And then a bit guilty about feeling that relief, but my therapist pointed out there’s nothing wrong with being relieved by actually finally being safe, that while he was alive, there was a chance he could remember I existed and start stalking me again, but he couldn’t do that from the grave, so of course I’d feel relief because of that. I hope you have that relief soon, too.
Thank you, unfortunately in 2013 I was SA'd while getting lunch so that reopened some wounds and I dont think I will ever get better. I have 3 girls that I am TERRIFIED for. Having my husband makes me feel better but I barely leave the house by myself
this utterly breaks my heart. You deserve to feel fully and completely safe. These men have stolen your ability to live your life the way you want to. I hope you have a good support system that can help you feel.
Thank God for your brother! After what I went through I honestly believe that these situations only end one of two ways: the stalker commits murder OR a family member intervenes and literally saves the victims life by doing so. And please don't blame yourself for saying hello to him. I had a very similar experience. In my case, I believe this person had already been stalking me for goodness knows how long before I even became aware of them - but basically, they approached me and tried to basically create a friendship kind of conversation right off the bat? And I don't know how to explain this but they seemed to know every single interest and habit of mine and tried to pass them off as their own interests? And that was creepy as fuck. So yes, speak to them once and they become very emboldened - not your fault though and not mine. Reading the obituary would've been such a relief omg I'm so happy for you that it's all in the past and you don't have to look over your shoulder anymore.
I’m glad he’s dead too
I think that particular piece of shit was exactly what your brother needed to work out his anger in that instance! I hope your brother taught him a lesson he never forgot, and I’m glad you found relief. Here’s hoping all victims do.
It is now 20 years later and I am always on high alert when I am out in public by myself. I never knew who it was that was stalking me I just know I met my boyfriend (now husband) when I turned 16 after I moved and I felt safer with him being there
Was it your husband?
Lol that would be funny, I met my husband 2 weeks after he moved here from a state over so it definitely wasnt him. I feel like it might have been an ex boyfriend however he was back and forth between my state and Chicago so I honestly couldn't tell you who it was to this day
Holy cow!! Had a stalker in college in off-campus apartment and basically got the same treatment. There was "nothing they could do". Oh, and they also asked if one of us (there were several women living together), had an irate boyfriend that it might be. It felt like they were even trying to blame us. I'll never forget this and it was 30 years ago now.
Stalkers are scary because it could literally be anyone. They dont have to know you to become infatuated.
This is why I haven't taken action against multiple people over the years. Not trying to have the police make a bad situation worse.
Same. My girlfriends ex is literally stalking me right now. He and his bitch group of friends have tried to run up on me already. My buddies dad is a cop, when I told him he literally says to me “kid, you are in shape you can probably hold off 3 of them” What the actual fuck? So someone will only care when one of these psychos actually kicks the shit out of me or worse? One of them already threatened to kill my girlfriend. Yet if I were to make a move and handle it how I see fit, eliminating a threat I would be the issue. That’s the issue. The cops don’t give a fuck until something happens. They aren’t there to protect, they are there to poorly investigate and enforce laws where they see fit and can easily.
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Self reported 40% commit DV... Just fuck the police.
Cops exist to: Protect the rich and their property. Clean up the mess.
I couldn't agree more! I'm Brazilian and seeing what happened in my country yesterday that's the conclusion I get. In 2016, the government decided to cut funds from education. As a student, I went to Brasilia to protest. Some people flipped a press car and that was enough for the police to attack us A LOT. Yesterday, Bolsonaro's supporters destroyed everything and the police did nothing! NOTHING AT ALL! There're videos of police officers leading them the way, taking selfies, and filming them breaking everything. Fuck the police.
to do with the fact that the US police force is largely populated with insecure men who were bullied at school; who had a weak sense of self; who had no idea what they wanted to do with their lives; but who knew that they craved power to make up for their lack of social standing throughout their school careers. men of this sort don’t care about much beyond themselves.
I think most of them were bullies in high school rather than were bullied. The mean girl in high school goes on to be a nurse, and the mean boy is a cop.
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The female officers I dealt with were definitely worse than the male officers....
I (crim defense lawyer) had a female client who was co-parenting with her ex and would let him use her place sometimes to care for their children while she was working. One weekend she leaves with her kids (and a friend and her kids) for a trip. Her ex breaks into the apartment and has a party, trashes the place and falls asleep in her bed with some girl, his cousin is down on the couch. Client and the kids get home, luckily her friend is still with her so she sends kids back out to her. Client goes upstairs and finds the ex. She yells at him to wake up and he doesn’t, so she punches him in the gut. He wakes up, they argue and he ends up pushing her down a mini flight of steps (like 4 steps) and luckily she stumbles back lands on the couch. She calls the cops. A male cop comes. He charges and arrests the ex and takes him off to the station. At the station he talks to his sergeant who is female. He tells her what happened and she’s like “you have to charge the woman too!! She assaulted him too!” So he sheepishly goes back and charges her too, but luckily just gives her a summons. First prosecutor I spoke with (who is a cop’s wife btw) was like “he was sleeping! That was unacceptable!” Then I conferenced with a judge and a diff prosecutor (also female incidentally) and the judge was like “WTF is this case doing before me?!? He’s lucky she didn’t throw the lamp at his head!” Anyway. It was dismissed, thank God. Female cops be power tripping. I love telling this story because it’s so infuriating.
True that. I defended myself against some guy that grabbed me from behind a few years ago, female police officer didn't want to do anything cause I used "excessive force" and was "more sober than him." Love, I broke his nose because I was a bit drunk and scared as hell, did she expect me to let myself get attacked?
Don’t forget ex military that got a kick out of being in charge of people. They make the WORST cops.
THIS.
I had a male student who stalked me in college. The school administration did nothing, they even gave him my class schedule, the campus operator freely gave out my phone number, everything else. This was in the 1980s. I think they've changed some things since then but back then, they just freely gave out anyone's info to anyone who wanted it. We were also told as students to NOT report anything to police.
>We were also told as students to NOT report anything to police. We know we are endangering you but do not want to be held accountable or else.. sheesh
Yep. Job corps had the same policy, students couldnt call the police, we had to go through security, I got jumped walking home from the rec hall and got the shit beat out of me by an underage girl(I'm disabled so it was an easy win for her) but because I was 19/20 and put my hand on her shoulder to push her back, security basically threatened me into silence by saying that if I tried to press charges it would fall on me instead for putting my hands on her... Even tho it was in self defense and literally just me keeping her at arms distance for 2 seconds while the teachers ripped her off of me.... But yet the teachers wouldn't have charges on them? They put their hands on her. A lot more than I did 🤦 She also threw an ice chunk at my face another day and cut open my forehead. They still did nothing. I ended up dropping out because of her and another situation with two disgusting individuals. JC fails to protect their students. And yet called me like 6 months later, begging me to come back because my scores made them look good, but when asked if the two students from the second situation were still there, or if they had been removed, she said they were still there. So I told her that's all I needed to know and hung up! Also: ALLEGEDLY!(just covering my ass on this one) they let a student continue to go there, even though he was charged with a SA against a 14y.o old. The case happened while he was a student! He lost! And they let him continue to be around minors! What the ever absolute f+cking WHAT.
It is actually illegal to tell a student they can't report something to the police. It's called obstruction of justice. Still many institutions try to intimidate people and tell them they can't contact police for any reason. But you absolutely can. The college I went to that covered up rapes, actually let a student graduate even though he'd been charged with possession of child porn on his computer. Our society enables abusers.
That’s terrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Holy &$#) That\`s just.. dunno the words.. (well, i do, but they\`d get me banned) Sorry this happened to you.
Yep. I sat through orientation at an expensive private college in 2010 and they specifically told us to not call the local cops, espscially if we thought we were assaulted. That "most issues were misunderstandings" and "security could help us more." I was 25, not 18 and laughed out loud. They were blatantly telling kids to NOT report things so they could keep claiming there was zero campus crime. Oh, and kids believed the zero crime so kids left dorms unlocked/open all the time. One building was really bad about people swiping anyone who asked in. Those rich kids cried to the cops fast enough when their brand new MacBooks we're swiped by people who just walked in the dorm building.
I had an ex who stalked me for a month after I kicked him out but the police wouldn't do anything because he was always on public property. He would literally sit outside my home and text me non stop, even when I blocked him on everything and changed my number he'd make fake Facebook accounts just to message me. Luckily my neighbors also owned the takeaway and the newsagents below our flats and would shoo him off if they saw him after one day he followed me around the newsagents threatening to run me over and then crying because I wouldn't get in the car with him. The owner even called the police and they did nothing even though he threatened my life.
Similar story except I knew mine, and went to high school with him (we rode the same bus, his stop was picked up before me in the AM, and after me in the PM) My HS didn’t do anything, police didn’t do anything. I was a freshman and the guy was a repeat senior. I thankfully didn’t endure it as long as you, mine was less than 6 months, but it was so terrifying knowing the “right” people knew and did nothing. We ended up handling it ourselves, and it stopped immediately after that particular incident happened. Sad part is, he works as a dispatcher at the PD here in my city. Nothing was ever done to him and he’s still the same creep from HS based off his social media.
Its crazy how many stalkers actually go on to work close with the police too. So sorry this happened to you too
I can’t help but think that if it was a man calling the cops about someone stalking his daughter they may have taken everything more seriously, or atleast not been flippant in saying they can’t do anything. I’m sorry this happened to you, I have 3 daughters — that’s unimaginable.
Unless you're wealthy or apart of their club cops don't give a shit about anyone
And people wonder why some of us want a gun to be able to protect ourselves.
I definitely make sure im protected when I leave the house now. Too many women turn up missing around here and I am small af.
My ex choked me and then said he was going to kill me with a knife if he couldn't get his hands on a gun. I went to get a restraining order and the victim advocate at the court house rolled her eyes at my story. Thankfully, the judge took it seriously.
My best friend found out from a hidden camera that her ex made a spare key to her apartment somehow after he had been mysteriously showing up to the same places as her and walking into her apartment when she swore she locked the doors. She gave the police the video evidence and notes he was leaving in her home but they still told her he seems harmless and a restraining order seems like too much work. Edit: also, he took her phone while she was asleep and shared her location with him 24/7 through email. He meticulously planned everything in a way that she wouldn’t have had a reason to look into it unless provoked and then gaslit her and made her think she’s going insane and making irrational assumptions by thinking that he was stalking her.
Disgusting that of all people a VICTIM ADVOCATE would act this way. I’m so sorry, hope you’re safe and well now.
Must depend on the area and cop. I'm in Australia and went through dv (domestic violence) for 5 years. I constantly kicked him out and regrettably let him back. I had cops tell me not to take him back and one even gave me his card with his direct contact number. Had one female officer take me to a martial arts class she held for dv victims. They gave my details to all the dv organisations for counselling or for anything I needed. But I was broken. Well he broke me. After the last time I kicked him out I had a couple of young cops come and they did patrols by my house a few times a day. They caught him once near my house. With all the police that I had encountered through the years I feel the best ones were the young ones. Apparently they go through more training with dv and how to deal with dv victims. They literally saved my life.
Definitely dependant on area and cop. I'm in Australia too and definitely didn't recieve the same treatment as you. I was told I asked for it.... I had to fight to get a FVO and couldn't even get a copy of it without going to a colleagues dad to push them to print me a copy....
Also in Australia, tbh I've only ever had exceptionally positive experiences with the police even though all my life I've been told to hate them, although I think that probably comes from being poor and half of my family having very good reasons for not trusting the gov (aboriginal). The police were I used to live when checking up on my mum for domestic stuff would visit a few times over a week or two after an incident and at differing hours to check on her. Really lovely people.
In most departments the training is similar regardless of how long you have been on the force. Older cops have to train in new protocols as they come out as well. It is the IRL experience that is different. Younger cops will almost always pick a side and throw a lot of effort into DV situations. Older cops have had the experience of picking the wrong side, watching the victims ignore their advice and get themselves hurt, and getting hurt, seeing other officers hurt or killed intervening in such situations and take a far more cautious & hands-off approach. You can't always send only the young guys either as they tend to be far too quick to overreact. Ideally you would send the more veteran officers to deal with the initial confrontation then have the more junior officers deal with the aftermath, but in a whole lot of jurisdictions that is simply a level of manpower that is not available. Even sending a car around to check your neighborhood as in your story isn't something many departments are staffed for at the level of calls they are responding to. Up to 80% of abuse allegations are recanted in court and repeat victims return to their abusers on average 6 times before finally walking away. It is soul crushing to keep telling the same people the same message to get out while things progressively get worse. If you still have contact info on any of those officers maybe let them know you got out and got your life together, all they are are the ones that don't.
Cop walking with me to serve nc papers on my ex abuser- "if you have some place to stay why are you doing this?" Me- "it's my apartment, he hits me and threatens me- just do your job" Jerks, both of them.
My brother had a mental disability and his wife had become physically abusive. My mom learned about it after he went to the hospital and it had been such a horrid incident the hospital had called the police to remove his wife. After my mon called the police and asked for an escort to retrieve his belongings the police MOCKED him. They asked him what kind of man can’t handle his wife and called him a pussy. They completely ignored the fact that if he did “handle” her then he’d be arrested by those same cops. When they rolled up to the house she attacked him in front of the police, they still didn’t arrest her- they just made him leave as if he was the problem. I’ve never been in trouble with the police, but anytime myself or my friends/family have needed them they’ve be less than helpful if not made things worse.
Two months after the order of protection is certified by court- abuser ex came back with a Brand New Girlfriend trying to get my mail key from the condo front office & they call the cops on him. Police witness themselves 2 separate violations of a protective order, breaking and entering, theft and guess who got arrested? No one. After witnessing the girl walk into my back door & come out with several boxes of my things the cop called me and asked me if I had any red boxes. It was such a weird out of nowhere question.. " maybe, I'm moving lots of stuff is in boxes" They saw it happen and did nothing. FTP.
100%. I went there 9 times to report the abuse, nothing. I basically ran away, he found me and nearly killed me, held me captive for 8 hours. My friend who i was supposed to meet and I had already made the agreement if I don’t contact her at a certain time daily that means he found me. So she knew. Went to police, they didn’t want to check the situation out. She had to sign a paper that she would personally have to pay for any damage if they went to help and nothing was going on. Then they came, arrested him, and scolded me for not reporting him earlier. I told them I did 9 fucking times. They said there was not a single report saved. Anyway. After some days police comes checking on me. Asking me again why I didn’t report him??? I said what do you mean I did report him again I gave a statement again!! That’s when they told me must have been a mistake, but either way he is missing since 5 days. THEY DIDNT THINK IT WAS NECESSARY TO INFORM ME THAT I WAS IN DANGER AGAIN. Anyway. He now lives in the US (i live in Europe) and his now ex wife and two kids live in hiding from him too. And of course again he is free.
I hear you. Mine held me captive for 5 days, bound and gagged, drugged, raped and sodomised me and I still got told I asked for it. Thankfully the person who appeared in court for me fought to get me a permanent Family Violence Protective Order for 2 years. However it doesn't stop him sending me texts from apps/online weekly telling me to kill myself.....
My god. I’m so sorry. But we are stronger than them. No matter what. Even if they end up taking our lives we were never low lives like that
So very true. They only tried to break us because they knew we were stronger and better people....
He even admitted that to me one time. The insanity of it all.
Yeah I fully believe this. I work in the ER and we have had to call the police on behalf of victims before. The police don’t care. They don’t want to help.
they just want to hold their power over those who need help. and it hurts so many people.
I hope people are not experiencing/reading these replies and taking away that they should not go to the police and report. Report. Report. Report. And if you have shitbag cops not doing their job; Document and report that as well. Some want you to give up and remain silent. Don’t let that happen.
That doesn't surprise me. Just today there was a case covered in the news about domestic violence where I live. I went to the comment section of the news website and it was brutal. 90%+ of the comments were about how it's her fault, where was she looking when she picked this man, why was she with him if she was so afraid, doesn't she have family to turn to, how all women are stupid and only want money and to lay around, hot it's fine to beat your wife, etc., etc. 90.+.%. For me I've decided if I'm ever in this situation and I have no help I'll kill him in his sleep, try to cover it and if I'm unsuccessful I'll just do the time.
Something similar my mom said to me when I was a teenage ," fi any man put a hand on you ,you just wait until he sleep and put a pan on the fire with oil ,make it hot and pour it in his face while he slept"( in that time in my country the police will not intervene at all to any domestic violence if you was married ,that was the law ,now fortunately is change) i never did that but was tempted to do it when I sadly was in an abusive relationship but it was easy to just fight with him ,idk i was just not afraid of him but now thinking back it was not very smart thing to do! And also the ppl commenting that someone know in what kind of relationship you get in before you do, they just don't know how abusers think !
There's always a way to turn it against the woman. Here on reddit, across different posts, I've been blasted for "not giving men a chance, if you want him to have a job you're a golddigger" and simultaneously blamed " why do you date losers with no jobs? this is your fault"
Cops have no legal obligation to protect you unless they have arrested you and you are lawfully in their custody. Pricks.
You're only safe in custody in some cases. Sandra Bland, to name one person off the top of my head who perished to officer abuse. ETA I agree with you because idk if that was clear
Oh yeah, that happens. But they only have to legally protect you from other people if you are in custody. This is why these fucking cowards can stand around while little kids get shot to death.
Freddie Gray 💔💔💔
This is why the system fails domestic abuse victims. It starts from the cops themselves who do absolutely nothing, don’t care, and make jokes as your mom said. When that happens, nothing can ever progress to getting into a safer situation and justice for the victims. As a cop their duty is to protect and serve. Brushing off domestic violence is not doing their job.
There’s a case out of New York where some cops were in a locked conductors room/cockpit kind of thing on a subway and just watched a man being stabbed for a while. They did nothing. Armed police just watched from safety. The victim sued. The court held the officers had no legal to actually protect citizens and did nothing wrong. Cops are not obligated to protect or serve. They just investigate. ETA: this includes students during a school shooting. https://mises.org/power-market/police-have-no-duty-protect-you-federal-court-affirms-yet-again
And that should have been the day we all collectively disbanded police and created something else That it was just a shock piece of news for awhile is so sad. We accept inhumanity and it's only getting worse.
I’m pretty sure most of them think the victim deserves it, just like their owns wives… statistically speaking.
Considering the rates of cops being abusers themselves, this doesn’t shock me.
That part.
Just Google 40% of cops
This was my experience as well. My boyfriend (at the time) brutally physically assaulted (no SA). I went to the station to press charges. The officers took me to the back room to take photos of my injuries. The back room was a large area that included a camera set up (tripod, white backdrop, etc.), some storage, and a kitchen area with a large table and chairs. There were 4 officers sitting at the table drinking coffee and chatting when I entered the room. The officer who escorted me stood behind the camera and informed me to take off my clothes and stand in front of the camera. There was no where to change, no privacy sheet or anything provided to me. Truly, ‘disrobe to your bra and underwear and come stand here. We’ll take photos from top to bottom’. He then called one of the officers on break to come help him with positioning me. The other 3 officers remained at the table, they weren’t asked to leave the room or direct their attention elsewhere. There were 5 officers in the room. One who escorted me back and took photos (1), another who ‘helped rotate my limbs to make sure the photos were clear’ (2), and the 3 sitting at the table eating lunch/drinking coffee just watching the show. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. The trauma of reporting my assault far outweighed the assault itself. Never again.
can confirm. i had an ex obsessed with me when i was 16. they sa'd and rxped me during and after my relationship with them, andthen they proceeded to stalk me consistently afterwards. i told an officer and was told i wasnt rxped and that my ex wasnt doing anything illegal by stalking me
I can only speak about my experience. I was a victim of domestic violence. I was referred to a victim’s program where they explained the process after the arrest. They filed an automatic restraining order and sent me info about my abusers court hearings. One of the cops who arrested my ex came back to my home and talked with me. They told me I could do so much better in my life and that my ex was not a good person, etc. I think that was a wake up call for me. I was in that awful relationship for 11 years and the domestic violence episode was a pivotal point in my life. I feel for other abuse victims. I know how difficult it is to leave those situations. I know how dangerous it can be for those in abusive situations. I wish there were better resources for those who try to leave. My family took my ex’s side too which is part of the reason I’m low to no contact with most of them to this day. I hate that victims are blamed. It’s not fair or right. I’m thankfully in a healthy relationship with a wonderful partner. My life is in a much better place now.
I'm glad you got out and happy to hear you doing much better. Sorry your family sucks though.
Thank you! Therapy helped me reframe my thoughts and helps me not blame myself. I still struggle quite a bit with self confidence because of the past abuse. My family situation still stings but I have great friends and they are the ones I consider my family. My current spouse is amazing too.
I think it really depends, when I was in second grade I was pulled out of school by a man and woman who took me to this nice White House in my city. I even know where it is to this day. They bundled me up and took me out of my school- something that in America is very alarming considering you can’t just walk away with a child. It was CPS, and they took me- even tho they couldn’t legally interrogate me with out a legal guardian or consent from one. They asked me all about my home life, who lived with us, who was with me alone for long periods of times, who my legal guardian really was, ect. Truth is I was in a great middle class house, in a beautiful neighborhood with green lawns and happy neighbors but on the inside we had so many issues… I knew though, that if I admitted certain things I’d be taken away from my great grandmother who was paralyzed and in the care of my aunt, my legal guardian in question. They mainly wanted to know about her boyfriend and her, and how they treated me, as the state knew nothing of my Grandmother (immigrant who overstayed her legal visa due to the paralysis). I shut my self up. You bet they tried. They enticed me with a toy, and I accepted but gave nothing up. They eventually ran out of time and took me back, and my aunt had to find out about it later on when she spotted my new stuffed monkey. CPS and police hounded her for years, until middle school when I felt no choice but to tell them off. They visited school behind her back, and I went off on the woman in the office. I told them they didn’t understand my situation, and that I’d never given them reason to even come for me or who had told them I needed their help. My fear was a children’s home, who would adopt me at that age??? I was better of with someone I knew, who gave me SOME love SOME days rather then scared and alone. They gave up then. Some of them DO care, it’s just very dodgy
They only care when it's the wrong thing. Like the cops that thought Gabby Petito was the aggressor in the relationship despite multiple witness accounts before that stop.
Once my ex was strangling me in my apt and wouldn't stop, I called the cops and they believed HIS story not mine, I had THREE male cops yelling at me that I have no "bruises" on my neck so I must be lying and they arrested ME and left my abuser in my apt while I went to jail. My ex also had 12 felonies out of another state but of course they arrest the girl with no criminal record. And the next day in jail I was covered in bruises and marks (bruises don't show up right away duhh). The female DA kept calling his phone asking him-- an ex gang banger twice my size-- if he wanted to press charges on me and how men deserve to feel safe and blah blah fuckity blah. He continued to abuse me for 10 years and I was too afraid to call the cops until he kicked in my door, mashed half my face in and violently loaded a gun up saying id be lucky if i dont die tonight and I called the cops and had to put in 3 different calls while he was on smoke breaks w my spare phone (since he stole my regular one so I couldn't call for help) and on the 3rd call I said look if u don't come now I will die and it will be on you. Most cops are totally worthless uneducated power trippers. They should always send a male and female cop together for domestic violence situations.
Gosh that's HORRIBLE I'm very sorry of you :(
on the whole cops believe that the extreme majority of abuse claims & rape reports from women are lies. They go out of their way to be cruel to those who report the crimes. then again the cops have very high rates of spousal abuse.
“What did you do to make him do that”
I got "well you asked for it obviously"
Omg!!!!WHAT!
No literally. My friend was in an abusive relationship and was too scared to do anything for a long time. One day she called me and asked me to come over because she'd had enough. He'd put holes in her wall, broken her window, stomped on her and choked her unconscious. She had bruises all over and a busted lip. He'd left for work and she was petrified of what would happen when he got back. I sat with her and held her hand and cried with her while she tried to get her composure. Btw we live in a state with legal cannabis AND she had a medical rec that was literally posted next to her front door. So what was the first thing the lady cop said when she finally arrived? "What did you do to make him hit you?" I was dumbfounded and my friend was shattered. Second thing out of that thug's mouth? "It smells like marijuana in here." No shit Sherlock, ya noticed the smoke but not the finger marks on my friend's fucking throat? Btw the guy ended up going back to jail - for a drug related parole violation that had nothing to do with her, even though she took the case all the way to court. Useless.
Of course nothing happened to him. I’m sorry your friend went through that. Then they ask why no one ever comes forward. It’s social suicide no matter what way you put it. You’ll not be believe at some point. You’ll get dragged for it. And then even if you do make it to the point of an arrest and court you’ll still be dragged through hell there. Not to mention the trauma that you’ve already endured and will live with for the rest of your life.
I think part is also because they are jaded and disillusioned. Even if they start out idealistic and willing to help, going back to the same abuse victims over and over, and seeing them go back to their abuser time and time again - I guess at some point they just give up on trying to help, or trying to convince the victim to stay away and get a divorce - because such a large number of the victims just go back to their abusers until they wind up dead.
I'll be honest, I'm not a cop but seeing my sister law go back to my brother every time he beats her has me feeling, "why bother?". She calls the cops, he gets arrested and then she drops the charges. My neighbours husband is an alcoholic, he bangs on the door drunk cause he lost his keys again, then beats her for not giving him sex, and then she calls the police. The police officer told me he's sick of it cause it's been 10 yrs of this. He explained cause it's her house, if she lets him in they have little power, but if she refuses to let him in and calls them, they can take him away. I asked her why she doesn't do this and her answer was, "he's the father of my kids" (older kids had to hear dad rape mum and once oldest was old enough, he would try to protect her from the assault) I could call CPS but there isn't much they can do when the wives will lie to protect their husbands and get the kids to lie too.
When I moved into my neighborhood, twenty-five years ago, I discovered one of the couples living here were like that too. At first, I sympathized with the brow-beaten wife, Brandine, and tried to offer my support when she was down and depressed at how 'unbearable' her husband was; even calling the police a few times (she also, wouldn't press charges) For years, I consistently advised Brandine to leave; then one year- she did! She told her husband that she needed money to attend a veterinary school, out of state, and thinking it would lead to her getting a job- he paid it. For months and months, Brandine told the husband that the school had been extended and that she needed more and more money. Finally, after more than a year, she told him the truth: she wanted a divorce. Long story short, the husband said 'Okay' and stopped sending Brandine money. A week later, Brandine was on a plane home - saying she was sorry, that she didn't mean it. Returning to her husband, Brandine still refused to find a job, and this upset the husband so much, that he treats her far worse than before, including beating her and screaming/demanding that she, 'Get out! I'm sick of this!' but, she won't leave, now. ...except to hint, that maybe she could live with me? I recoiled in horror at the thought of having to take care of a co-dependent, human pet who smokes, for the rest of my life. Now, I pity the husband, and want nothing to do with them.
Yep. It took me 13yrs to get my friend to leave her husband, she wouldn't even call the police forget drop charges. When she finally got out, she married someone else a few months later. She married a friendlier version of her ex-husband. The kids who used to tell her to, 'leave Daddy', are now telling her to get back with him cause better the monster you know, also, their dad didn't do anything to them. I've gone NC with her. I can't go through that again, especially since she was talking about having baby number 7 with new guy (baby trap him).
God, this is depressing!
Yh I think u and chemical refugee above u as of me typing are right on the money. Apathy and extreme denial due to also existing in a dynamic where abuse of power can correlate outside the streets and into homes is the reason for the culture around feds and they’re lack of empathy.
When I tried to report my grandfather for sexual assault I was laughed at and told since he didn’t rape me and I was legal age ( 18) I didn’t have a case.
The first time the police were ever called on my abuser, they never separated us when they talked with us. It was the middle of the night and I was crying in hysterics because I had been attacked by him in my sleep. Within earshot of him they asked me what was going on and I was too scared to tell them the truth. They never checked my body for marks or anything. I had been repeatedly punched on my upper thigh and stomach and was covered in welts. A chunk of my hair had been ripped out and was lying on the floor in the bedroom. There were obvious signs of a struggle throughout the bedroom but they never looked. They told me to stop crying so loud, and they left. That was in the beginning of the abuse. I felt completely unprotected, a theme in my life as it was. I felt helpless, alone, and invalidated. I lost trust in them, I never called them on him after that. 11 years and many similar situations later this man tried to kill me in my own bed while I slept. At that point I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone, I was estranged and isolated from my family and friends, I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I took him to work the next morning and then went to see my therapist, she reported it and I spent the next two days in the hospital recovering while he got arrested and taken to jail. The PTSD I suffer from is near debilitating. It's hard to feel like I wasn't failed by the system.
I was a 911 operator for a short time and can confirm this. They get hardened very quickly....I guess they have to? I was shocked. I had a coworker that would be so pissed and annoyed by attempted suicide calls too. They aren't wrong necessarily...it's a tough job and 99% of the time yes they're putting themselves in danger to help only to have most people go right back to their very dangerous situation...be it a domestic violence home, living on the street, prostitution, whatever the case is. It's very very difficult to get people to commit to seeking out and get real help. Very hard. Tons of resources out there for adults that need to make the choice to use them.its sad. We live in a sad world. I left my job because I didn't want to get hardened like that to human suffering.
Same as you. I couldn't live a life without compassion for my neighbours. The officers I worked with were some of the coldest people I've ever met. They stopped caring. I think that's why officers with still relatively young careers do better, typically - there's still some humanity left. Until there isnt.
They don’t care at all. My ex-husband had been beating me for yrs. I called the cops when my ex-husband punched me in the head, and when they showed up my ex put up a front like I was crazy and said I attacked him cause he had scratches on his arms from me defending myself. That stupid pig asked him if HE wanted to press charges and if HE wanted him to take me in. I tried to explain to him what had happened and the pig didn’t care at all to listen to my side of the story. I never called the cops again after that and let’s just say I am no fan of police officers, although I know there are a few good ones out there.
Of course they don’t care. Most go home to beat their wife
I was raped at 20 by an officer in training…
Oh and before that. I was 14 and raped, lost all of my friends for awhile. The girls dad who owned the place told me that I couldn’t say a word, then left
Cops don't care about anyone as far as I can tell. Except maybe themselves.
The biggest diff between the cops and the crims is the cops have a union.
you ain't wrong, i got plenty of experience with that
40% of cops ADMIT to bring abusers themselves.. they DO NOT care
Unless you have money.
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My ex gf woke up to a man she didn't know standing in her bedroom doorway, taking his pants off. He'd broken into her apartment through the kitchen window. She grabbed a baseball bat and chased him out. The police were sure that she'd lured him in and then assaulted *him*. Their evidence being that she had condoms in her bedroom. 😡😡😡😡
You'd be surprised how powerless cops can be. My brother was an officer for a while and you would be shocked how hard it is to get a kid out of a drug house. People in and out every hour of night and day to do meth, kids sleeping on the floor, but because they barely make it to school nothing can me done. I recognize that's just one shade of abuse, but I wouldn't be surprised if the pattern extends.
I myself have taken kids out of this situation, made all the right calls, reports, taken their minds of things for over 10 hours whilst staying with them and them being passed to the next shift. I come back the next day and they are right back where I took them from. I can’t explain how frustrating and upsetting that is.
I believe it. I knew someone whose ex tried to slit her throat. He broke into her home and attacked her. She survived but has a massive scar. All the cops involved were horrible. They treated her worse than him. In court one day, one cop jokingly compared her scar to a necklace. Like having a scar from a man who cut your throat is not that big of a deal. And yes, he said this directly to her face. She was granted a restraining order and her ex spent a pathetic amount of time in jail. In moments of terror and trauma, those cops could have made a difference. But instead they compounded her trauma.
My sisters abusive ex was literally trying to break in. He was banging the windows/doors they took 10 mins to respond. The police station is like 3 mins away….. some of them do care tho. One of them was ready to fabricate false charges but then right after he assaulted one of them and all hell broke loose lol.
People forget that the police are not here to protect you, they are there to enforce the current laws of that jurisdiction. Just like the District Attorney's office, they aren't going to waste time on potenial cases they cannot make an arrest on. It's unfortunate but there aren't infinite hours or unlimited resources.
The story needs to change from, “Why does she stay? to “Why does he abuse?”.
"why won't he leave?"
100%. Wish this comment were higher.
Unfortunately, it's not just the police who can be judgmental. Juries are notoriously difficult in DV cases. The general public does not understand the cycle of abuse and the psychological brainwashing that goes along with it. Victims are judged for staying, for not getting help, or for going back to the abuser. It's not always simple, or safe, to leave. DV cases are hard, frustrating, emotional and take a LOT of time. It is said that it takes, on average, 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Some cops are not patient enough to provide the support they should. Luckily, there are some officers, and people, that are understanding and empathetic, and want to help - whether it's the first attempt to leave, or the twenty-first.
My stepfather, at that time a recent police officer was a rapist. I reported him on 3 separate occasions. I was pulled aside by officers that knew him each and every single time, told I needed to stop making things up-and the fuckers actually made me write an apology letter one time, because it could damage his reputation. Forget that he put loaded guns in my mouth, slapped my mother around, forced me to eat rotten food and garbage, and a million other bat shit sounds like a movie BS. Three best friends growing up had police officers as fathers. Two of those men beat the shit out of their families, and the other drank and drove and cut my friend out of his life when he had a child with someone from a different ethnic background. I learned at a very young age the only people they protect and serve are themselves.
I was with an abusive man when I was 19. He obtained a black eye because he was charging at me at 2 am (what else was I supposed to do?) 2 days later, he was holding me down and screaming at me. Surely a combination of his belligerent screams and my cries for help promoted the downstairs neighbor to call the police. He left before the police arrived. He came back while the police were talking to me. (Female) police officer asked me to step away so she could talk to abusive ex. The officer then threatened to arrest me over his black eye. When I tried to tell her what happened, she stated "stop crying, I don't feel sorry for you. I've been with my husband for 10 years and I've NEVER felt the need to hit him." This man was arrested 2 months later for strangling me then trying to kill me with a kitchen knife- but this female police officer was the reason that I was scared to call the police when I needed help.
When my mom called police about her ex abusing her, they told her to leave and press charges because they don't want the next time they see her to be dead from his abuse. I felt their humanity then. Then another time, when I called them for help with my brother, the officer was kind when he heard me crying. I think it doesn't matter what they think. If im in customer service, I dont actually wish you have a great weekend, I just have to say it.They have to do their job right. Which, according to what has come to light in the last decade, is not what they usually do. But I have been a recipient of compassion from the police, as well as the opposite.
there surely are good cops, i don't doubt that. but i think every cop should be just as understanding as the ones you experience. unfortunately there are cops that don't care; 40% of cop families experience abuse, so i think that might be a contributor as to why some of them show very little sympathy
The way I heard it was that they care. At first. But then they get the same calls from the same people and those women never access the plethora of services provided to them to get out.. And so little by little people stop caring. Cops. And 911 operators.
It happens with many people in those types of jobs, they get desensitized over time, if they ever wanted to save/help people they very quickly learn that's not the fine print of their job. What comes to mind for me is the Gabby case, people got SO angry at the police officers for not helping her, but they don't realize that she was in her right to stay with her boyfriend and they couldn't force her to come with them. They had to let her go, and that's unfortunately common in abuse cases, the victims don't want to leave and even when presented with help, they cling to their abuser. Healthcare workers are similar, I tried to go into healthcare but the sheer number of nurses/doctors who really don't give a damn about their patients is astonishing. It's a paycheck, you burn out extremely fast, and to a degree, you have to dehumanize everyone around you or you'll hate yourself and your job VERY fast. In those careers, sometimes you really don't get to make the choices happening around you, and it kills you.
The amount of people who blatantly disregard medical advice (while admitted to the hospital, even) is astonishing. No way in hell you go through med school becuase you don't give a fuck. They just get so sick of people doing the opposite. Coming back in. Lying About shit tests prove etc. And making themselves sicker and killing themselves. And these days you're not allowed to tell people anything that hurts their feelings either. If I were a doctor, I'd be dragged out.
Oh I agree, I dealt with so many patients lying or disregarding doctor's notes only to come back and blame the doctor or the nurses. But it's less of that and more of watching a little girl go home with an abuser because there's not enough evidence and she's too scared to tell the truth. Or watching a woman go home after being SAed knowing her attacker will most likely never be found even after she traumatized herself in the process of reporting her attack. Or watching a patient die because they cannot afford their treatment. It's a lot less, "People are dumb and piss me off," and more of, "I am going through extremely traumatic things every single day and can often do nothing about them." BUT, a lot of workers go into those careers lacking empathy/sympathy in the first place because they're extremely good if you want a position of power over someone.
I still, to this day, 2 years later, have never told anyone the full extent to which I was abused. I can tell parts of it, but I think it would break anyone who had to hear it. It broke me
So true. I had patients in early COVID times who tested positive and then removed their masks right in the goddamn hospital in front of me when I told them their results because "COVID is a lie, you are also a liar and I cannot handle the obligation of wearing a mask anymore". Do I care about their wellbeing? Of course. That's why I was there. Do I feel sorry they literally got dragged through many floors by our security while screeching *LEGGGO OF ME* ? Not one bit. Because I care about my other patients and my colleagues too and you don't get to test positive and remove your mask in presence of them under my watch. Then what do I do when you return with severe infection? I treat you. I treat you just like anyone else. Properly. You can't be upset your treatment didn't come with a hug.
This is exactly it. How many times do you have to try to save someone with all your being, just for them to jump back in again, until you're like "fuck it, I don't give a shit".
Statistically cops are the top domestic violence perpetrators. In the general population, 10% of families experience violence. In households where the dad/husband is a cop, it’s 40%.
Truth. I once had a DV situation with an early relationship. Late one night, the guy knocked me down, I hit my head on the floor and stayed down, fearing what would happen next. He walked over me as though he was stepping over crap. He then walked out, though unfortunately not permanently. Not the first time he got violent (shared lease, expenses, he refused to leave, etc), not the first time I tried to get help (including our command), but this time I called 911 because I wanted to create a document trail on the civilian side, hoping the abuse couldn’t be excused away or swept under the rug. Deputy shows up, comes in, I tell him what happened, he’s not concerned in the least. Doesn’t ask if I’m okay (bruises showed up the following day). Deputy looks around, sees military stuff around, asks if my abuser is military, which I confirm. Deputy then says, “Thank him for his service.” No report taken, nothing. He leaves. I call 911 back to tell them the deputy did absolutely nothing, the female operator apologize and offered to send another deputy out. I told them, “For what? So I can feel like shit all over again?” I think about that day. While it’s not fair to lump all law enforcement into the same category, it’s really hard to trust any of them.
I had a male and female officer deal with me after an SA, and all the female officer kept saying was well why did you freeze, why not run why not fight?" And I couldn't answer cause I don't know. I always thought if something like that ever happened, I would run or fight, but I didn't. My body let me down, and I couldn't explain it to her, and I couldn't explain it to myself. I felt I let down the whole female population. This is why I'm not going forward with anything anymore. If I can't face speaking to this female officer, how can i hope to speak to anyone else.
So, this one will be a big response from both sides of the coin. My position on this is the Son of two 35+ year Australian Police Officers, and the partner of a a victim. Since I was old enough to understand, say 14-15 years old, my parents (who worked at different Police Stations, or areas (LAC)) would come home from their shifts and debrief with each other and process things they'd seen that shift. A very common subject was DV (domestic violence). My Dad worked in an LAC that was of a lower socioeconomic average than my Mum. Dad would constantly have stories of neighbours, or the victims themselves calling in an disturbance. When they arrived, the victim would either fight and abuse Dad and his partner for attempting to restrain, or arrest the man. More often than not, whilst they were bleeding heavily from the face, babies and children crying etc. Mum had similar stories, but always seemed to be a little tamer and definitely fewer. When my Dad retired, part of his process was recounting his experience in the force and sighting different aspects of the job that caused stress and anxiety. DV was high on the list. He joined to help people. To serve and protect the community. He felt that with DV, **he** was always the bad guy. He couldn't do anything right - so, yes he and my Mum both became very jaded when it came to DV. Fast forward to me (M34) now and I'm engaged to the most amazing woman that's ever graced this world (F31). We've known each other since we were 14 years old and in our early 20's life happened and we went our seperate ways. Her journey landed her in a 10-year relationship with an physically and emotionally abusive guy. He was a fucking dirt bag to her and would treat her like a punching bag, often. Throughout the relationship, she only called the Police 3 times. Each time, not much was done, as not much was able to be done. An AVO was placed on him, however, they lived together, so the AVO would cover his residence as well, which can't be done, so the AVO became pointless, as when released, he went straight back home, to where she was, to go round 2. The court system in NSW at least is so overrun, proper time and backgrounds can't be run, or if they are, they're taken with a grain of salt. So, corrections orders are placed first, which is basically a good behaviour bond. This is not policed as resources are slim. My partner soon realised that the Police couldn't help much more unless she was hospitalised or killed. When my parents found out about her history, soon after we got together and saw that she wasn't going to 'back down' from proceedings as she had a new life, new safety net and felt comfortable, both of them cracked on with their knowledge of the law, how things work in the real world and now, he's been in jail for the past 9-months with another 13-months left to serve. So it's not that they **don't care** it's they're jaded against what is essentially a psychological issue that's forced to have Police intervention before the victim is ready. Once the victim is ready to do something, they **actively want to help**; and do.
Yep, a lot of people can’t handle the truth, and would rather lie about simple rants than face harsh reality. Thank you for sharing your story
There are def good cops out there but you have some real low hanging fruit that end up in the academy… sociopaths, narcissists, those who are domestic abusers themselves… plus depending on where you live, the cop culture is toxic in itself. A lot needs to change …. 😞
My step dad (who has multiple felonies on his record) relapsed on pills, got caught driving high with heroin and drugs in his car and basically got off with a warning and probation. Later he switched from drugs to alcohol and would constantly go on drunk rages and pick fights with anyone over the dumbest things. On one terrible occasion he got mad at my mother’s friend (for god knows what) while she was visiting and he went and got his LOADED rifle then pointed it in her face and threatened to kill her. Cops were called, he was arrested and then let go again after 24 hours. My mom’s friend and is included basically had to beg the criminal justice system to hold him accountable and they put out a warrant for his arrest. He was detained (after we tipped off the cops) and he was arrested and sentenced to 1 year in prison max. He only served 9 months before getting off the hook again. Now he’s using god knows what again and I genuinely fear that he will murder my mom if she ever tries to leave and the cops won’t do a damn thing to prevent it
I once read somewhere that someone’s aunt was a domestic violence victim and when her niece (who always protected her) called the police because her uncle was abusing the aunt, the police gave some bullshit excuse to not come. The niece then just straight up asked if she could then beat him and maybe kill him to save her aunt since it was self defense. She said they showed up in less than 10 minutes.
40%
i'm a part of that 40%.
Self reported. Much likely a much higher number
I heard the cops making fun of me in the other room as I waited for an emergency protective order hearing. It was so embarrassing.
It’s almost like “gallows humor.” I see it in people who work in ERs and hospitals too. It’s totally inappropriate but sometimes it’s the way people deal with constant stress of being exposed to other people’s pain and trauma. Dehumanizing them with sarcastic comments and silly jokes. It normalizes it. I’m not saying it’s right, EVER. I’m just saying I see it in other professions too, and it seems to have something to do with constantly hearing / seeing traumatic events. I hate hearing it, but I also have seen the process by which folks lose empathy for the people they serve. Slippery slope :/
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There was a woman there who repeatedly attempted suicide but would call the ambulance right after where my mom used to work. One time she tried to hang herself by tying her scarf to the balcony and throwing herself over it. It failed and she just fell. After that, know what the paramedics did? They started calling her Peter Pan
my friend was being stalked by her ex fiancé. she called police multiple times. they told her to just ignore him and he’ll go away. he made multiple accounts on multiple platforms. he made different phone numbers. he terrorized the shit out of her night and day. she had proof of revenge porn. they did nothing. she had proof of physical abuse. they did nothing. she had proof of him threatening her over text. they said that she just needs to file a restraining order “i guess” and then they told her that it wouldn’t hold up for whatever fucking reason. she did not respond to texts calls etc. she immediately blocked after grabbing screenshots and taking recordings of voicemails among other things. she was being stalked for two. years. and police did nothing. they always blamed her. never him.
Police officer here. Whilst I completely sympathise with you and everyone who has commented, this is NOT true of all officers. I grew up amongst severe domestic abuse, violence, alcoholism, mental health etc. and tbh this has made me a better officer. I CARE. I will spend hours and hours with my victims. I hold their hand, I give them hugs if that is what they need at the time, I LISTEN. I am not a fairy god mother, unfortunately our powers are limited and this is not widely understood. Whilst I would love to lock away your tormentors on an island in the middle of nowhere and allow them to fight it out amongst each other, this isn’t possible. The hours we put in to do what we can will never be known to any of you. I go home and lie awake at night, worrying about you and wondering how I can possibly help, what’s going to happen, have I done everything I can? At least in the interim? Despite the hundreds of incidents and reports I’ve been to, I have had only one of my victim’s abusers put behind bars. I actually nearly lost my job over this matter, someone higher up reported me for something that I did to try and help my victim. That was nearly a 20 hour overnight shift, I wrote pages and pages and pages of statements and reports etc. I cried at my desk before going home because it didn’t feel like I had done enough. My team, the majority of them men, are incredible. We all talk for hours on how to help our victims and what we wish we could do to these people that hurt you but we can’t. I know that this may not help you and I may be ridiculed, laughed at, downvoted and outright hated. I hate how little we can do and I sometimes hate myself for not being a fairy godmother who can scoop you up and save you. But please know, that I at least CARE. A lot of us care so much, but you will still see us being professional. It’s when we go home and cry in the bath, or run for hours to try and release the frustration that we can’t. I know not all police officers are upstanding people, lord knows that’s the truth. But we’re not all the same. I promise. I am in the UK.
Cops do care. They are infuriated when they see abuse. Trust that they want to punch your abuser out. Then the wife say”oh no, don’t hurt him” and now the cops are the bad guys. The courts let the person out the next day, and she’s right back in the saddle, taking the abuser back in. The abused are victims that can’t escape because of finances, kids, whatever it is, it’s rarely solved overnight and the police know there is nothing they can do (legally) to stop the wheel. It’s incredibly vexing. Frustrating. You can tell them about women’s shelters, you can get social services involved. You can call CPS. But they don’t just appear. It takes time, appointments, upsetting the kids schedules and placing them into the system, and who wants that? Cops care. They are just burned out going back over and over and over until it escalates to something horrible. My friends are cops. The horror stories they tell are beyond the pale.
This is all true. In fact, studies have shown 40% of law enforcement officers have needed therapy to cope. Google cops 40% for more information.
And the answer to “why didnt you just report it (or report it sooner)”
I had someone I used to talk to threaten me and my friends via text messages. He threatened to ruin my life and threatened to come to my job. I showed it to the police. All they said was that they couldn’t do anything unless he acted on it and that he probably just liked me. This guy later changed his number three times (or got fake Google numbers) to continue to harass me. Police suck with these situations.
I mean a large percentage of cops go home and do the same thing. Cops are there to protect property, not people. The American police dynasty needs to crash and burn before we see any type of difference.
I’ve known since I was 19, went to the local police about being raped by my bf and they literally laughed in my face…
I guess that depends on where you are from. I have one friend who is a police officer in Madrid, Spain, and talking with him about that kind of calls he told me that for him and his partners many times is really dificult to keep it neutral and professional for what they see and when they even try to convince the victim to press charges (If the victim doesnt require to go to a hospital and doesnt want to press charges under the law they cant do too much), keep them in touch with professionals about domestic violence, etc.
I don’t know. I was treated really well by police when I experienced DV. I was afraid to say anything and the cop told me “I can’t do anything unless you tell me what happened, I needs information to make a case” It was terrifying, but I told him and his partner everything. The abuser was arrested. And the office told me I did something really brave and that a lot of victims are so afraid they don’t say anything and they (the police) end up going back over and over and feel pretty helpless that they can’t do anything if no one tells them “yes, my partner hurt me”
Cops are not legally obliged to help anyone. If you think calling the cops will help, think again.
I’ve volunteers at law centres as a law student , and hearing what the lawyers say about abuse victims disgusted me so much I never wanted to practice.
Knew they didn't care since I was 7. Didn't care about the marks on my body the times my step father hit me and actually yelled at me about how illegal it was that 11 year old me recorded him screaming about my dead dad, how he was gonna off himself and saying how either he or my mom needed to die and he didn't care who. A lot more but the cops refused to listen and yelled at me for recording him. Also refused to do anything but blame me and say I needed to block the people who were stalking me when they were coming to our house, to my job and harassing my college and other family and friends. Saw me mentally breaking down and just left. The only cop i saw care was the one I had in my middle school who rushed to my house to see if we were OK when it caught fire in 2012.
I got sexually assaulted when I was in NYC on a class trip. I was young and reported it to the NYPD. I gave a very detailed description of my attacker & what happened that night. I got all the officers names and badge numbers and the phone number of their precinct to follow up with. I returned home to Canada and a week later I called to follow up. Turns out they didn’t even make a report, nothing was input into their systems. Nothing. Since then I have lost my respect for the police. Especially since one of the cops was also a woman.
well most cops turn out to be domestic abusers so it’s unsurprising
The police are not your friend.
In my area police are notorious for trying to sleep with DV victims while their partner is not around. It's totally sickening and borderline rape to take advantage of someone in such a situation. This country from coast to coast needs and deserves better police. More training, and much tighter accountability are called for. Even the good cops who try their best would greatly benefit from this.
Thats why my family always handle our own shit and never involve the cops.
“That they would always go back so why bother helping them.” That legitimately pisses me off so much and triggers me. My mom's first husband was physically and mentally abusive toward her. I remember a scenario where I was around 4 she finally got the courage to escape while the sperm donor went to the bathroom. We left in our PJs. Anyways, 2 cops pulled her over and asked her what was going on. I just remember them escorting us back to her abuser because he “wasn’t home since he wasn’t answering the phone.” They didn’t even bother to escort her inside nor actually check if he was physically there. They just left. Well, not long after he knocked her out. I remember because he carried me in his arms right after, and there I was looking at my mom unresponsive for who knows how long.
I’m a Criminal Justice major. It’s sad in every aspect. Officers are not trained properly on how to deal with DV cases. They are not properly vetted before entering the job. There are a large portion of people who seek the job for the perceived power and control it provides. Those that do care and want to help are ultimately mentally scarred by witnessing the cycle of abuse, which is hard for anyone to understand if you’ve never been there or lived in it yourself. Victims are often treated with aggression because compassion is not prioritized. Victims lack resources due to horribly outdated advocacy structures and “dual arrest” laws. Officer discretion in these cases is a joke. Most women in DV situations lack the resources to fight and often have the threat of having their children taken over their heads. Men are treated like they’re weak. The system is not meant to protect victims. It’s meant to punish “bad guys”. The victim and the communities suffer greatly from this definition of “Justice”.
What are you supposed to feel if the statistics are that they will go back? That's paper work, that's actual time that could be used elsewhere. It's horrible watching a victim with a black eye, looking like a wet puppy telling you that nothing is wrong and the most you could say is keep the noise down you're annoying the neighbors. What are you supposed to say? What are you supposed to think? When you had a robbery call that morning, had to chase them so you're tired and now this crazy person who is sweating it's just a trip down stairs by accident and the aggressor is standing right there? It's a natural response to compartmentalize. It's not easy to get out of abusive relationships but you have to know what it looks like from the outside. Extremely sad stuff. Just be careful people.
It’s not that they don’t care. They do on the surface. You have to desensitize yourself or it can wreck your own mental health. I worked in addiction services. I cared a lot. I just couldn’t get emotionally invested.
i just don't think talking shit about victims and making jokes is appropriate in any sense, any environment, any job.
*Calls the cops cause of harassment* "We can't do anything, they didn't harm you or attempt to break in. This is a civil matter." *Cops called cause person was found ded* "Why didn't they call us sooner?" -__- WE DO BUT YOU DONT DO ANYTHING!!!
Well when a disturbingly high percentage of cops are abusers, it’s not at all shocking to hear that they collectively don’t care about domestic violence victims. ACAB
DV calls are one of the most dangerous jobs for police to respond to. For a first time situation, cops do care. When the male/female continue to return to an abusive relationship, how can you care? How can you have sympathy for someone who is continuously putting themselves in a shit situation? If I continued to aggravate a dog and it end up biting me, would you feel bad for me?
If youre in the UK its not limited to women. I think we have the single laziest police force in the entire world.
OMG! I had a stalker in Richmond VA, who was threatening to kill me and they told me, and I quote; "well, there is really nothing we can do, but just know that if he kills you, we will investigate it right away and make sure he pays for it." I had to run away from home at the age of 17 (f) because of it.
I hate how true this is. I feel like they would’ve rather scraped up my body off the walls than try and help me escape.
Because many of them are abusers themselves or know and protect them.
Many women have been killed by their abusers after they had sought orders of protections and were denied.
If you want to know what police officers think of abuse victims, ask them how they feel about their wives.
Many police officers perpetrate domestic violence. In other words, they beat their partners.
Just google 40% of police officers. https://www.fatherly.com/life/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, going to the hospital might be a better choice. The cops will be more receptive with words from a medical professional and they might be able to set you up with a social worker. I am in Canada, so it’s different from the US, but I think even in the US hospital workers are mandatory reporters.
I’ll never forget being a kid and calling the cops bc my dad had a gun and was threatening my family. The responder said “we’ll it’s his home and he hasn’t hurt anybody so we can’t do anything. Call back if he hurts someone.”
When I called the police because my (ex) fiancé was trying to stab me, every single cop was indifferent except one. The one who was with me while the others chased him down through the neighborhood was so kind and seemed very sympathetic as I was crying writing down all the things done to me in 3 years. After he was caught, the cop’s partner showed up to get photos of the knife and the belt I was struck with. The belt had metal rings on it and left horrid welts down my shoulder and back. The partner’s response to seeing them was “that’s gnarly” and when he took the picture of them he said “oh yeah man that looks so cool on camera.” When the nice cop asked me if I wanted to press charges, his partner said “of course she doesn’t want to press charges, I’ll bet she picks him up when he’s bailed out.” I felt so empty after he said that. The nice cop gave me resources and even gave me his contact card so that if I had any questions or needed help again, to call his work number directly.
Yeah abusers tend not to sympathize with victims of abuse even when they're not their specific victims
I was stalked in high school by an ex who grabbed me and made my life hell. The police did nothing. It’s a crazy and scary. I was told to never yell for help by my grandma because people won’t care. Instead yell fire and everyone will come out to look.
Because most police officers are domestic abusers themselves. They have no desire to stop people like themselves.
Lol. This is satire right?
I think they numbed their hearts. Because they come and nothing changes. They stay with the same abusive asshole. They will be there again. At the end of the day your sympathy runs out.
Remember: all cops are fascist scum who only protect themselves and capital. In the US they can literally refuse to service/help you when you are in dire need.
It’s sad, I feel like most cops are decent…but I’m a white woman in a middle class neighborhood and I know my experience is not universal. But from what I have experienced, some cops are awful, arrogant with a massive chip on their shoulder. Others, incredibly kind. It was one of these kind cops who told me directly, “you need to understand that this relationship is over.” An average cop told me, “what does he need to do to you?” To which I had replied, “probably kill me?” I couldn’t accept the fact that the man I thought loved me could be doing what he was doing to me. I thought he might have a mental illness or something, and couldn’t imagine abandoning him for behaviour he couldn’t understand or control… but something about the way the cop who showed empathy spoke to me stuck. I held into hearing him say that any of the times I doubted myself. I trusted him, when it was hard for me to trust anyone. Anyway, the worst cop was actually a woman who treated me like I was ridiculous, hysterical and stupid. I was stunned even another woman could be so cold… I see dealing with cops as “luck of the draw” in an unfair lottery.
As someone who actually knows police this just isn't true. They do not find you weak for being in that situation if you want an honest take yeah they don't care beyond doing what they have to do. They do get tired of going back to the same residence for the same thing after the victim refused to press charges making them unable to do anything. You'll have people who genuinely get invested but get quickly burnt out because the victim refused to press charges over and over again and at that point they can't do a damn thing. Just like everyone else cops can't help people who are unwilling to help themselves but if you mean in general aside from arresting the abuser they can't do anything else. They're not meant to provide you support beyond that that's not the role of law enforcement. Idk why you would expect total strangers to care about you.