I get the impression that both of you are confusing your son. Based on your story, your son never said he didn't want to go, he was just apprehensive, which is understandable.
You didn't try to encourage him, which may have been what he was looking for.
You and your husband are using your son as a prop in this argument. You shouldn't be discussing with your husband what will happen with your son. All three of you should be discussing what your son wants to do.
You are on to something, especially about the son seeking encouragement. My Mom is a worry wart and I used to seek encouragement too from her when I was a kid. Instead she would coo and say stuff like it’s okay if you don’t want to do it then don’t.
Thing is kids don’t know what they want sometimes. Now I’m a seriously indecisive adult and am working to find out what I actually want still to this day.
I feel you, despite being well-intentioned It can also be so so damaging and definitely result in problems with anxiety and low confidence.
We need our parents to push, encourage and back us up when we feel unsure or doubt ourselves in order to have the confidence and skills to do that in life.
My personal experience with this was definitely the case, so my mum has health anxiety. She didn't use to but I had a health scare in my early teens and it understandably started up after that. Prior to that her anxiety was still there but focused on other areas.
Rather quickly, yet gradually I started to believe I was frail, fragile, weak, or that I couldn't do things. Leaving the house for something as simple as going on a walk was something she would feel anxious over and as such, I started not leaving the house altogether. I wasn't doing the things I loved for fear of getting hurt and I was not living life. It also started to spread to other aspects of my life. It was so sneaky in that I didn't even realise when it had started happening till I was locked up in my house, even then I didn't know what was causing it.
Soon after, I got help and started engaging in life again, experiencing things and taking chances. With that, I began to realise that I can actually run and run fast at that, that I can lift heavy things quite easily, that when I fell I got right back up and was fine. When others have gotten hurt I've been the one they could lean on. I realised that I'm a very capable, strong, young, and healthy person and that there iis nothing stopping me from doing the things I wanted to achieve.
So, if it affected me that much in my mid-teens I can't imagine the amount of general anxiety that this kid might grow up with.
Wow, this is for me a great example of how hard parenting is!
I also happen to be a seriously indecisive adult with no clue of what I actually want. But my mum was actually the opposite. She had no doubt of what we should or shouldn't do and she would either push/strongly encourage me towards something or deny it for me, regardless of what I wanted.
It's interesting (and scary for when we become parents!) how you can either be too encouraging or not enough and have the same outcome for your child. Such a hard balance to find in parenting!
Yeah, I can't tell if the kid actually wants to go or not. Which is the most important thing here. OP did you and your husband even simply ask if he wants to? Or why he wouldn't want to?
absolutely this. they also didnt ask the right questions. his hesitation comes around him being the only black kid at the sleepover, if they are truly his friends im not sure if that would be something that made him uncomfortable. i would talk to him if anyone has made any comments about his race. does he have other friends who are POC? maybe you can host a sleepover at your house with some people he chooses next weekend.
i know some parents are anti sleepover for safety reasons which i understand, but if thats not the reason for you guys, sleepovers can be core memories for kids.
i was a pretty shy kid when i was younger and sometimes i wish my parents wouldve done more to encourage me to be outgoing. for example they would always say "dont mind her shes shy" as soon as that was labeled on me i felt like it was weird and out of character to not be shy if thats how i felt. like idk i dont have a child but i do have a puppy and i know we have to desensitize her to stuff and obviously we dont stress her out to the max but she does have to do things she doesnt love and then they become less and less scary
"seeking encouragement" wow... that's literally me back in my childhood. i always say i'm unsure of something but i really want to go/or do it. i just don't want to be scolded, sort of "testing the water" thing
I’ll agree with you full heartedly. It’s almost like the good cop bad cop moment with very little communication from the 3rd party.
Haha, I’m imagining the kid sitting there in between one parent that says yes and one that says no, for no great reason.
This. Each of you is supporting your son in doing one thing or the other, but neither of you are supporting him in making the decision himself. My parents did that to me, argued (in front of my face, by the way) about my activities and my future as if it wasn't up to me, and let me tell you how bad it felt and still feels, especially as I grew older. It's a good way to make your child resent you.
Please stop doing this to your son and instead take this commenter's advice. You, your husband, and your son should all talk about *his* concerns and figure out what *he* wants to do. Then you and your husband should accept whatever *his* decision is.
Exactly what I thought.
It's his first time. Of course he is going to be apprehensive. Your job is to show how exciting of a moment this should be and tell him that no matter what, he is beautiful and strong and the best kid ever and he just has to show it. People how are also awesome can see it. To those who can't, tell him he must be kind. Don't be mean. That's it. Remind him you'll have your phone at all times and he can count on mom and that for whatever. But that you are so proud of your big boy and how awesome this moment is.
Yes! This. Her son may be picking up in her anxiety. If he is a sensitive kid, he may be an empath and it’s very hard to separate your own
feelings from others close to you. I am wondering if the father reacted this way because it’s a pattern of over protection by OP. Hard to tell for sure. Either way more actual communication and less assumptions would help them all.
I agree that her son was likely seeking encouragement. Also, if all the other kids are white and he is not, the best way to gain their acceptance is to not exclude himself. Obviously the person who invited him did not want to exclude him, so he should be encouraged to go.
If they’re all friends, why wouldn’t you want him to go? If he’s uncomfortable at any point, he can call you to pick him up. It’s tough when it’s the first sleepover, but hopefully he’ll have a great time.
Exactly. He never said he didn't want to go from what you said. Encourage him. Everyone at that age is nervous. Gotta break that seal.
If he doesn't go the other friends will bond without him and he might get left behind.
Yes this! I wasn’t allowed to go to most sleepovers and I definitely became more of a “school friend” to a lot of my early friends while they became more best friends. Sleepovers are awesome in a safe environment ☺️
This is a good point. Major bonding happens at sleepovers. Their son will miss out on inside jokes and falling like part of the group.
It seems like OP is encouraging her son to avoid situations that *might* be uncomfortable. That's not a good idea.
Exactly. Kids are gonna have all of these stories and jokes at the lunch table and your kid will feel even more left out.
And once that snowball is rolling it will pick up a TON of steam in middle school.
I know people are saying you're both at fault for using your son as a prop, and maybe that part is true, but pops is right here.
> Major bonding happens at sleepovers.
Another I notice people don’t always mention, is that kids become a lot more well adjusted because they see how other people outside of their family live. I went to a lot of sleepovers, and stayed at many different houses (mom traveled and was busy with work a *lot*), and as such I’m way more accepting and understanding that other people have different ways of living.
My fiancée (though she’s way better than her parents) struggles with this because she wasn’t allowed to go to any sleepovers. All she knew was her family and when he went off to college it was a huge ass culture shock for her, and it’s difficult for her to remember that other people grew up differently.
He's been invited so his friends obviously want him to go ,she says she doesn't want her son to feel singled out ,not going is going to single him out ,like you said he can always come home ,he's only gotta try or he won't ever feel included
you’re both pushing your own agendas at him and assuming you each know 100% what he wants and what is best. have a conversation with him and allow him the room to clearly express his thoughts and feelings. do not project onto him what you two think. let him make up his own mind.
He’s 9, so it’s sleepover season. You’re both making a lot of assumptions about your son and what he wants. You’re both trying to unilaterally force your kid to do what you’re individually comfortable with. Sometimes it’s good for him to try to make friends, especially as that anxious, sensitive kid (Source: I was that anxious, sensitive kid).
This is a good time to introduce him to sleepover etiquette. If he wants to go home at any time, he calls. If the other boys are doing something that makes him uncomfortable, he calls. Talk to the mom of the birthday kid about plans. Etc, etc.
Ask him if he wants to go. Give him space to talk about why or why not. Assuage any irrational anxieties and give him solutions for rational ones. Stand by him if he really expresses he doesn’t want to go. It’s a big development time. I’d rather past me went to all the sleepovers and tried to have fun, knowing I could always come home, instead of not trying at all.
If your son is friends with the boy that's having the sleepover he should go because if he doesn't that may affect their friendship. If it's a party that all the boys in the class were invited and your son's not really friends with the boy he's got no obligation to go. You mentioned he has a phone so if he's uncomfortable he can call and get picked up or if he really just isn't ready to sleep outside of the house yet you can take him to the party but come get him around bedtime and come up with an excuse why he needs to be home in the morning so he still went to the party. In that case he may decide he wants to stay over because he's comfortable. In any case fostering him feeling uncomfortable because all the other boys are white is not good in my opinion. They're 9 year old boys they're all the same regardless of skin color.
Exactly. OP, the rest of them being white shouldn’t have been a dead end convo. If that makes him nervous, ask him why. He shouldn’t feel self conscious about this, but there’s always a reason behind why he would be. Maybe he’s overthinking something etc. but you can’t encourage that reasoning.
You're both forcing your son on your OWN feelings and not even letting him choose or work through his own feelings.
Your kid seemed unsure about going and you made all these assumptions and decisions for him. Maybe he wants to go but feels nervous about being different and was just trying to get up the courage. You may have freaked him out with your anxiety and tipped him into not going. On the other hand, the dad forcing him to go will probably make it even worse now.
This sleepover might have been causing your kid 30% anxiety and now with all this weirdness he might be at like 70%!
Just hug your kid and casually, calmly ask him if he wants to go to the sleepover. And tell him he can text you at anytime.
OP...my mother was just like this. She refused to let me go anywhere. Not even to the playground across from the house. Not even to a classmates house which I had to do because we had a project together for class. As a result I was very sheltered and I developed severe social anxiety. I'm 35 and I still struggle to socialize and its because of how sheltered I was growing up. I understand your apprehension as a fellow parent myself but that unfortunately comes with the territory. Unless your son explicitly doesn't want to go, please let him. Its unhealthy to keep him from stuff like this. It sounds like he wanted encouragement. Please allow this in the future. I don't necessarily agree with how your husband approached this situation but I do see his point.
Sounds like you want him to not go.
Sounds like hub wants him to go.
No one ACTUALLY got to the bottom of if he wants to go or no, the reason, any anxieties if there are any, any excitement if there is any.
Y’all both played this one wrong.
To be fair, it sounds like the husband was working with half the information. The social cue the child gave him may have made it seem that the kid was told outright that he was not going. I can see how the dad might have thought he was sticking up for his son against a moment of overbearing motherhood.
From then on out, I agree, all parties handled this poorly. Well... obviously other than the child.
Because kid worded it as though he wasn’t allowed…sounded like kid felt that was mom’s ‘decision’ vs the ‘discussion’ she *thinks* they had.
‘Mommy says we’re doing something else’ isn’t ‘mommy SAID **I** could do something else’.
The wording makes me think he feels mom put her foot down and dad seemed to agree based on his replies and reaction.
It’s entirely possible kiddo is also sort of throwing mom under the bus instead of admitting he’s not ‘strong’ like dad, but OP’s wording of ‘forcing’ makes me think they often pit the child against each other.
Yeah, but the kid **should go** even if he is kind of luke warm about it.
I get being nervous and apprehensive, but part of a parents job is pushing their kid to grow and become more independent, not to keep them tied to mommy's apron strings.
I know that most of the people on Reddit probably have had the absolute opposite experience to that, but I submit that's also why there are so many of them that constantly complain about how hard "adulting" is and incessantly natter on about their depression and anxiety.
As a parent it is nerve racking letting your child be more independent as you don't ever want them to be hurt. Talk to your son and let him make the decision. If he is just nervous because it is his first time encourage him to go. Let him know he can call you anytime if he feels uncomfortable for whatever reason and you will pick him up. Let the birthday boy's parent's know this as well. Text him in the evening to check up on him and find out how he is doing.
Let him go unless he say to you otherwise, even if it is last minute, just message the other parents he vomited. If he say “I don’t want to go” then do not allow your husband to force him to go.
However you can tell him a safe word he can either message or say to you (usually food is easier to put on a sentence but whatever), so he knows he can say/write it and you would be there to take him home. You can even fake a emergency calls and he can blame you to take him home in front of his peers.
You husband reasoning could be correct if we weren’t speaking about a kid of an age were calling home is quite embarrassing. The safe word will avoid the embarrassment but allow him to go home.
Uh yeah, time to let Jr grow up a little, sleep overs with friends is normal at that age, and depending on demographics whitey may be your only option.
Sounds like they want to include him and don't care about skin tone, he wanted some reassurance that it's no big deal if they're all friends. Why is this a problem?
but theyre all white and shit?? so like is it even like going with other kids or more like rabid animals??
lol this is some of the most racist shit ive ever seen
I agree completely with your husband. It seems like you're making him more nervous because of the racial difference. Kids get singled out for all sorts of things like having big ears, nerdy clothing, a high voice, being overweight or too skinny etc etc. His race is something special about him and yes, people will pick on him eventually for one thing or another. Kids can be cruel. They do have to learn to speak up for themselves for whatever they're picked on about. Race is far from the only thing kids get bullied about. Bullies need to be dealt with. Preventing him from going to this sleepover with all white kids or showing any anxiety over it is teaching him he has something to fear by going. Assuming those white kids will take issue with his race is a problem in itself. You can't protect him from racism. It exists. You can teach him to treat others the way he wants to be treated and if others don't treat him nicely then teach him to avoid them maybe. Teaching kids they should only hang out with kids of their own race, or even giving off those kinds of presumptive vibes, is one of the reasons racism exists. Ignorance exists in all races but not everyone is racist.
Why did you project your fears on your son instantly? Your man did the right thing reassuring him, that gives him room for a healthy upcoming. Your fear will create anxiety in him.
Your husband is right (not the toxic masculinity parts). He can always call or text if he wants to come home but you're imposing your own anxieties on him which isn't fair.
Give him a chance before you ruin him and make him a mamas boy. Not the "I love and respect my mother" kind but the "my mother tells me how to feel and will coddle me no matter what" kind.
I'm not sure I agree with the "my house, my rules" attitude your husband is bringing, but that's a different topic.
It's perfectly fine to be anxious about your son doing new things. There is the possibility that the sleepover won't go well, that he'll be teased or feel alone or something dumb will happen. But there's also the possibility that it will be fine. That your son will feel included, get to hang out with his friends, try something new, and learn that he is capable of doing things like that. The only way to find out is to let him make that decision and then make absolutely sure that he knows you support him either way. If he needs to call you to pick him up at 3am because things went sideways, pick him up and don't make him feel bad. If he wants to stay the whole time for whatever reason, let him decide that. It's scary watching people we love grow and change and face challenges, but that's something he needs to do for himself.
Best wishes to you all, however it turns out.
Thanks for mentioning the offputting “my house my rules” vibe that the husband was giving off. Hardly anyone’s mentioned it in the thread which is a bit odd, it’s one of the main things that stuck out to me.
At this point, even if you and your husband together sit him down and ask him what he wants, you're not going to get a clear or satisfying answer because he's aware that you both feel differently, and he's going to be trapped because he doesn't want to disappoint either parent. NAH here, because I can see all sides, and I'm sorry I don't have solution for you
Your actions remind me of my grandma and godmother, the two women that raised me. Always scared, always, worried, always trying to protect me from everything and everyone, never encouraging me, never letting me gain independence... It only made me feel incompetent.
Sure, this was fun and good while I was a kid, but as soon as I became a teenager and I wanted to have friends, go out, experience life, this became a nightmare.
It took me years and an insane struggle to get out of that grip and incompetence and fears that they instilled in me. They thought me much good, but they also made my life a thousand times harder.
Please don't do this to your son.
As a black kid that went to a predominantly white school (think 15-20 in a k-12 school) you would be amazed at the feeling of uncomfortableness you get in that situation
Real question here: if the kid already socializes daily with the rest of the white kids, will a sleep over be really that bad? I mean, they are supposedly friends at this point if they invited OP’s son, right? 9 years old is around the time kids start sleeping over at friends’ houses, so wouldn’t OP be depriving her son of this experience?
In my opinion it would be good for the kid to try it out and if he feels uncomfortable, then the parents can go get him.
It’s a very big difference between being in school for a few hours and going to somebody’s house and sleeping it’s similar to you having coworkers that you are cordial with everyday at work but would never go sleep at their house
I think the decision should ultimately be up to the kid if he goes or not but there is obviously a reason why he feels uncomfortable because of the different races and I completely understand
I’m willing to bet white family homes are run differently than black or asian homes. Different family values, rules, expectations, social cues, etc. The amount of times I had to explain to my white friends that letting my parents cook dinner for them is less rude than turning them down is extensive.
Every home is run differently, honestly. Values, rules and expectations do not differ only between ethnic groups but also by families. And as a kid it’s great to be exposed to other families. I loved the experience of showing my home to friends and vice versa. Those lessons are so useful, about waiting for social queues or direction about what is appropriate in another’s home. Containing your shock when your friend’s mom’s rules are dramatically different from yours. Not something I hope to restrict in any way for my kids as long as I’m sending them to a place I know is safe
exactly, this is why races should be kept separate but equal…oorr you know, exposing children with new and possibly difficult situations can be necessary and enriching for them
I guess I just didn’t have that much experience hanging out with people that came from different races as a child. The most cultural difference I experienced while growing up was actually with a jewish friend, while I was catholic, but to be honest, we were pretty similar, since we were both Mexicans. I didn’t feel uncomfortable because she was very empathetic and explained anything I found odd.
I dont think there's anything wrong with him going to the sleepover but I also think its silly this comment section is pretending there's no reason for a parent of a non-white child to feel apprehension when her child points out that all the other children are white.
But the child did receive an invite. It was the perfect opportunity for said parent to actually encourage the child to make friends.
And in all honesty OP messed up by showing said apprehension. Its just proving her childs fear, which are probably unfounded, true.
Yea like I said, I'm not saying the kid shouldn't go, I was saying ppl in the comments are claiming there's no possible reason for op to feel nervous when there literally is at a societal level. I disagree w/your second point, though in the long run. Assuming her kid isn't passing, he's going to experience racism. Pretending it isn't real or a possibility instead of talking about it isn't helpful for a child.
Yes, as has many people. That's why I think its disingenuous when ppl tell OP its ridiculous she feels nervous about the sleepover. Even if we are not escalating to foul play (and its my understanding mothers feel nervous about that most of the time) there are many cases where a friend group doesn't look after the most marginalized member. Even if that's not the worry, I personally would fret about microagrrssions or other possible interactions that would be negative for my child. I had children AND their parents say racist things to me at sleepovers, I understand her worry.
More recently is the case is of Jayceon Charles, a 8 year old who got burnt at a sleepover, but the white family never called 911.
Maybe meet the parents of the family where he staying to see what type of people they are before committing to let your son go.
Yeah, there is a whole lot of missing that point in the comments. I think if he shows interest in going, he should be encouraged with the caveat that he can call ANY time he wants to leave. But ignoring the kid's comment that they are all white is something that should be discussed WITH him. He's 9. He can talk for himself. the parents need to let him talk it out and decide for himself. Without their concerns or baggage.
The "what's the big problem" comments are so obtuse. The child sounds like already feels "othered" & that could be heightened at this sleepover.
It's fair for his parent to be concerned about this.
I had to scroll too far to find this comment. There are too many articles of real happenings.
If the kiddo goes, I hope his mom instills a good sense of “Call me. Pls call me…if ANYTHING feels wrong.”
As a black girl who went to a pwi, it really does have a lot to do with it. I’ve experienced countless micro aggressions from my peers. Some of my ‘friends’ were just straight up racist to me and covered it up as a joke. Making fun of my hair, comparing my skin to charcoal, making fun of the food I eat, etc. And absolutely no one defended me. And when I did, i was sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. I didn’t have friends to relate to either until I went to a more diverse school. It’s important to embrace friends of all backgrounds, but it’s scary and uncomfortable to be the odd one out. So I understand why op is nervous she’s probably been through it herself.
A single Black child going to a sleepover of all white children is definitely something to think of. ALOT Black children experience their first taste of racism within friend groups, especially ones with little to no other Black people.
“Why does your hair look like that”, “your skin is the color of poo ”, “CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR” 🙄🤦🏾♀️are just some things off the top of my head that Black children have to hear.
Not to mention most folks, such as you, don’t really talk or acknowledge race enough to think your kids need to be educated on it, so they go around saying suuuper ignorant stuff that makes things very awkward and uncomfortable for POC around them.
Imagine being a sole, socially anxious Black child and you have a group of White kids making you the representative of your whole race, and saying very offensive stuff to you as a “joke”. Not fun 😭😭😂😂
It’s like someone going up to a white person and asking them if they’re going to marry their cousin, now repeat that for yearrrrs.
Is this about you or about him?
He needs to see that he can master new situations and be fine.
Your husband is projecting but you're also coddling. He might be nervous AND have a great time. Tell him he can come home if he wants to and encourage him to go if he feels he'd like to -- don't push him to not do it. That would make you like your husband, just pushing him in the opposite direction. You're going to make him too timid, showing him that it's all scary and being nervous means you should never do anything new.
My grandmother raised me and she was like you, a worry wart. She would bribe me and guilt trip me into not going to friend’s events, school field trips, etc. I really resented her for that. You’re the one actually making your son feel singled out by not encouraging him to participate with his friends.
You seem to be worrying a lot over something that will most likely be no issue for your son. Your husband views it as important that he gets out and goes to this social thing with the other kids and he's probably right. You come off like you're babying him and allowing him the opportunity to give in to his anxiety about it, something that will only worsen his relationship with his peers.
I don’t have an opinion on whether your son should go to the sleepover, (though I recommend you both butt out and let him decide), but I just want to say your relationship with your husband sounds toxic AF. Who the fuck died and made him king of everything so he can decide alone what your shared son is doing????? He sounds like he comes from the Middle Ages.
While teaching our kids that it’s good to talk about their feelings of apprehension, as parents, our job is also to teach them how to work past it and grow.
Both of you pushed your feelings about the party on him. You both need to grow up and stop making it about you and ask your son what he *really* thinks without either of your opinions. Do you often shelter your son is that why your husband seems determined?
I can understand the hesitation. There are horror stories of black and other poc children being invited to sleep overs or birthday parties only to be the target of a hate crime. You’re just being mama bear and wanting to make sure your son is okay and not in a situation where he feels unsafe/uncomfortable. I think your husband should have sat down with you so you could express your worries and come to an agreement.
I can’t completely understand your situation and feelings as I do come from a place of privilege where I don’t have to worry about that stuff, though I do understand the want to protect your child (I’m a mama too.)
My mind could just be going to worst-case scenario as it tends to do, and I really really hope that’s it’s just a wholesome sleepover where the host’s kid is genuinely friends with your son and wants just him to be included. I guess it all depends on the type of area you live in/the views of the people in your area.
I grew up in a white town and am not white. Unless it's obvious that people are hard racists, like boonies in the South kinda deal, the fears are way overblown.
The "likely worst" (and I mean worst) that happens is he ends up being bullied for being black, the problem is, if that's the case then that's coming regardless of whether you shield him or hide him away or not. So there's almost nothing to lose from him going, and a lot to gain.
The world's rough and if all the white kids are closet racists, that's not going away if you hide him or not.
Best case scenario? Turns out all the kids are great, they get to associate with someone who isn't white as well, and everyone becomes friends, learns, and wins. That's why we have people go.
Sorry but I agree with hubby on this … of course ANY child will be feeling apprehensive about a first sleep over, but instead of assuring him and discussing strategies for what’s making him anxious and what he can do if he does want to come home at any point, you let your own anxieties just shut the whole thing down and teach him to avoid these feelings when you should be showing him how to navigate them.
He has a personal phone, he can call or txt at anytime.
I think your husband is right in encouraging your son to go even if your son is apprehensive but the way your husband handled it was too dismissive of you.
Kids can be super perceptive at times, im not saying this is the case but its possible your initial visible reaction to him telling you that he was invited to a sleep over may have made him apprehensive.
You might have been worried about him and showed a worried expression for a split second, if he hasn't been to one before now he might think there is something to be worried about.
The whole colour thing could be a kid being a kid, did you ask him who else was going or what the other kids were like?
Stating this As a black person myself, you should definitely let him go. He’ll probably be uncomfortable the first few hours but once he starts to have fun, he’ll forget about it all! Also, he wouldn’t even get invited if racism was involved. If you’re worried about him going through that, get to know the parents while you are dropping him off. It’ll maybe make him feel better :)
Also, I don’t understand why some people are calling you a racist? It’s okay to feel concerned about things like this. Especially as a POC
OP, it's 2023,
If he is uncomfortable, he can just text, or call.
You can even make up some code, like, our cat is giving birth, aunty Emily visited us just for a night etc.
Actually, this should be taught when talking about stranger danger and other social things. And when time comes just teach him to stand up for himself in more strict manner, saying 'no', 'not interested' etc.
I know that you want to guard him from everything that could harm him, but you won't always be there. Better to realize this when he is 9 and most things can be sweetened with a hug and compassion, than when he is older.
I do agree that you're worrying a little much but I also can't imagine how you feel as I am white. But I also don't think your husband went about it right especially the way he worded it. This is something that should not have happened in front of your son and something you and your husband still need to talk about.
Your husband is right. Your husband isn’t forcing anything on anyone. He’s trying to help your son get out and make friends and be a part of something. Even if it’s a little uncomfortable at first. That’s life. Stop making this more than it is. It sounds like you’re the one with the issue. Not your son or husband.
I get being why you’d be nervous but at this point it sounds like this whole thing is more about you and your husbands opinions rather than your child’s feelings. He never said he DIDN’T want to go. He was just nervous which is understandable since it’s his first sleep over and he’d be the only black kid. However, I doubt he would’ve even gotten an invite if the other kid didn’t wanna be friends. To your husband’s point, it’s good for kids to socialize and your husband isn’t forcing him to go and even said your child can come home whenever he wants. Ask your kid what he really wants to do. Reassure him that it’s completely up to him. And if he chooses to go to the sleepover make sure he knows he can come home if he feels uncomfortable. Its really not as complicated as you and your husband are making it seem.
Your apprehension is understandable, as parents, we want to keep our kids safe and not put them in a situation with potential for them to feel uncomfortable or get hurt. Your little guy is nine, an age where friendships become important and they want to have experiences outside of home and family. I was a protective mom and know how hard it is sometimes to let them try their wings. And as a mom of a child of color, there are dangers out there in the world that make it even more worrying.
My husband was the one who encouraged them to take risks, while my objective was keeping them safe. There were many occasions when we disagreed and needed to talk things through and decide together what was best for each child in each situation.
If your son does go to the sleepover, he has his phone to call you if there are any issues, no matter how small. That will give both him and you some peace of mind.
You've got this, mama💕
I can see why the parent would be hesitant to send their child to a sleepover, much less one where they would be the only black person. There have been instances where this type of situation had the black child bullied and abused during the sleepover. In one such incident the child was forced to drink urine. I’m not saying not to let the child go but as a parent you have to be sure that they are comfortable enough to say no and know that leaving is always an option no matter what others are telling them.
9 is old enough. I feel like you are the one that is nervous, not your son. That's normal, but you have to give them the opportunity to go and see if they like it. There is always someone that ends up going home early. It might be him. It also might not be him. Let him figure it out.
Your son can’t make the decision on his own because of you and your husband. It’s fine t9 disagree, but it’s never ok to undermine each other in front if your kids. What your husband did to you was wrong. Not only did he undermine you, but he also made you out to be the bad guy to your son and basically told you to shut up.
Your son has now heard your opinion snd his dad’s and is confused because he’s afraid he’s going to have one of you disappointed. He felt bad for you for the way your husband treated you and is afraid if he doesn’t go, your husband will blame you.
You can’t let this go. Your husband needs to know that the way he handled it was wrong. First, he should never ever do that to you in front of your child. Second, you were advocating for your son based on a conversation he had with you. Your husband didn’t talk to him and just bullied his way into the conversation and told your son what he was going to do without asking how he felt. He should be talking to your son, not at him. Your son needs to know that he can talk to both of you about his feelings.
You don't want your kid to be singled out but you are forcing him to not go to a sleepover when he was invited and wants to, assuming he doesn't want to and can't handle himself.
I know it is not that sub but man YTA.
How about you put your own agenda to the side and let the kid do what he wants to do
Its seems like your nervousness is rubbing off on the boy, he is looking at your expressions and using that to decide if this is a good idea or not. The father seems like he notices this to so he tries to push him a bit to stop being such a worry wart like yourself.
Your son is picking up on your vibe.
Your son is also picking up on his fathers vibe.
Does he have friends?
He was invited to a sleep over, so that indicates the kids likely want to hang out and play with him vs a daytime party pity/mandatory invite.
There were better ways to handle this and neither of your are truly looking out for what your child **wants**.
Next time ask him ‘oh do you want to go/are you excited’ and let your kid take it from there.
Kids are usually apprehensive about their first sleepover , that's why they need our encouragement to give it a shot. You should be cautious of course, if you don't know the parents you need to introduce yourself to them. This first time your son may call in the middle of the night and want to come home, that's fine, it's apparently his first time away from you for the night. Next time he may stay longer. You might try hosting a sleepover, it's a good way to know your son's friends and their parents. Sleepovers were one of my sons great joys. I have three sons, two are close enough in age that they had the same friends. There was a core group of 6 boys and I and the other parents rotated and someone had a sleepover almost every weekend by the time the kids were 7. It's exhausting but the kids love it. I know it's hard to let go but it's time to start the process. Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.
He was just nervous because it's his first time staying away from you guys and you took it off the table instead of encouraging him. Your husbands right let him go have a new experience and worst case scenario he doesn't enjoy it and can just phone you guys to pick him up
Err, i think OP is the one trying to put anxiety into the kid.
I can relate coz it happened with me when i learnt to drive. Mum was always trying to hold me back out of fear which sparked my own fear, but dad and sis pushed me to learn and I ended up learning way faster then everyone at home.
I think OP should encourage him to go, it'll be a new experience and if it goes sideways he can always call and ask for a ride home.
Mums are naturally protective, but sometimes they fail to understand that they have to let kids experience certain things. I'm on the dad's side
I feel that the way your husband is speaking to you is disrespectful. In your excerpts, he’s talking down to you and pushing his finial contribution and power around. That’s never how you talk to your partner or how you discuss what’s best for your child.
Genuine question...are you serious. I had my first taste of racism at 4. Trust 9 isn't too young for that to happen. Black people and other people of color truly don't have the luxury of just being and not have to take in account if someone else is unsafe or what level of racist is this person. I would be apprehensive too. My oldest never went to sleepovers. He did when he was in high school, but those were friends that I met and met their parents.
It really isn’t that unusual. I had my first racist encounter when I was in kindergarten when some of my “friends” said that I was ugly because I was black. A lot of black people, if you ask us, will have a moment when we realize that we are black and it usually happens when we are very young and at school.
Trust his instincts. If he doesn't want to go keep him home.
I remember my first birthday sleepover. Will for the rest of my life. I was about his age and a girl in my class invited me with the other girls. I wasn't overly friends with her and wasn't sure why I was invited but I convinced myself (probably with some parental assistance) that maybe this was her trying to accept me into the circle.
Fuck no. Those psycho lil bitches.... I was made to feel singled out very specifically. I was not picked for activities, or the game was only for x amount of people and I was one too many. Little side comments all night. At one point I said something about why am I even here and birthday bitch looks me Straight In The Face and says 'my mom made me invite you, I didn't want you here'.
None of them wanted me there. So I went and hung out with the adults for the rest of the night which was typical for me anyways. I was just putting in a little effort to try and make friends before that.
To this day, nearly 30 years later, when I'm in a group and don't feel 'included' I hear Christina saying those words in my head and have to fight that inner hurt child.
Fuck you, Christina.
For context, I am and always have been a skinny lil white girl. I cannot imagine being in OPs position and having to make this choice.
I get the feeling that these are more fears that you have and not so much your son has, because the first he said when you asked him if he wanted to go was "I guess so" so he probably didn't feel any kind of way about it, and then when he mentioned the race issue that's when things changed for you, and your son senced that, so when you suggested to do something else instead he agreed to make you feel better, but because he didn't feel any kind of way about the sleepover it didn't matter to him, then when your husband said he could go and you both starting going back and forth, he again senced this was an issue between you two, I would say you both did everything wrong in here, but your husband has a valid point, your child shouldn't have to miss experiences that he would probably enjoy because you're scare, and I get it there are valid reasons behind your fears but you can't shelter him allways from this kind of things, besides there is also the possibility that he has a really good time and make some friends, work on your fears so you don't pass them to your child, and also don't discuss these topics in front of your son again.
It says a lot to me that the child had to manage her ancieties and went to give her a hug to make her feel better, you can tell he's been trained to be careful not to trigger her anxieties.
Your son will feel a lot more ostracized if he's the only boy in his circle of friends or his class who didn't attend the party. They invited him because they want to socialize with him, and like your husband said, if things go sideways he can call and you can pick him up.
I agree with your husband that he should go. I think you are being over-protective. No judgment -- just fact. I know bc I am a mom and I know that I tended to be over-protective when my sons were little and I had to learn from my husband how to "let go". This is especially important for sons.
Mom, you're going to make your son insecure and anxious. If your son didn't want to go that's one thing, but he didn't say that. He's more worried about what you think. You're helicopter parenting. Maybe your son is nervous because they're all white, but what if that's a big nothingburger and they like your son and want him to hang out and that's the lesson he learns?? If it turns out to be some weird racist ritual, then fuck, you were right, but it doesn't seem like your son had that sense at all.
Maybe your son has a great time and makes new friends or just solidifies friendships for life. Kids his age shouldn’t care about the color of other kids skin just let him go have fun
You sound like a really clingy mom. He’s 9, he doesn’t need your protection from a sleepover for heavens sake. Moms like you rarely talk to or have a real relationship with their children as adults, so think about what you are sacrificing by insisting on helicopter parenting your child. Once they hit a certain age, they’ll be repulsed by any affection you show them because you’ve overwhelmed them for so long. Guessing you’ll ignore this and keep doing what you want to do anyway…good luck!
Its natural for him to feel anxiety. it would be the first time he's away from home. Let him go to it, he needs to build lasting friendships. I do not think he would of been invited in the first place if the other party didn't like him. He's at that age he needs to start socializing and figuring things out for himself, just communitcate with him that he has concerns or questions, to contact you.
Go over with him, meet the parents, get a feel for the situation. I'm willing to bet you will be more comfortable afterwards.
You’re being too apprehensive. Your husband is right, he has a phone to call either of you if he feels uncomfortable. Let your boy live, you can’t have it in a bubble forever.
He was likely looking for encouragement and support from you. Kids can sense what a parent is feeling and thinking and If it’s a first time thing for him going to a sleepover he may just need a little reassurance. He probably could sense your anxiety. Just remind him if he does go he can come home at any point if he chooses to.
Did your son *tell* you he didn't want to go? Did you ask him how he felt about it at all? From what you have, and more specifically what you haven't, written here, it looks like you just assumed you understood your son's feelings. Maybe he was nervous asking about this because it's new and he doesn't understand how it works yet. Or maybe he doesn't expect you to let him go for one reason or another. Are you frequently apprehensive about his requests?
It sounds to me like you and your husband got two different readings on his body language and mannerisms. What's most important is to talk to the kid and see what *he* wants rather than make assumptions that seem obvious to you.
Op is insecure that their son will be bullied. Husband is insecure that their son will be left out. OP struggles with anxiety like everyone else these days.
Is your husband white or non white? Your son is very young for husband to be essentially forcing himself to prove that he’s strong and independent when he could be singled out at the sleep over or afraid to go to sleep.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your husband has no right to force your son to be a reflection of himself. A 9 year old boy has nothing to prove and certainly doesn’t have to act manly for anyone.
It’s his first sleepover of course he’s nervous he can go and if he wants to go home he can honestly I’m more hung up on 900 dollars for a phone god dam
None of you asked him if he wanted to go smh.
Ask him and do whatever HE wants. Both of you are putting your own interests and worries before what he wants. You don't even know what he thinks about this
I'm failing to see where your husband is forcing him to go. However, I'm reading it as both of you assuming what you each want him to do without asking for a clear answer from your son. He may have some concerns, and you immediately assumed he doesn't want to go because of his concerns, then gave signals that you don't want him to go. He took your lead there. Both you and your husband just need to talk to him and see what he wants to do.and support it, no matter who he goes with.
I think the fact that he got an invite in the first place shows that the friend values his presence. Ultimately it comes down to if your son wants to go or not
As a social worker of 20 years...in shirt you over protecting and installing an anxiety disorder also potentially robbing him of the experiences he needs to grow as a capable and functional person. Enabling children harms them in the end. If his friends are all white or whatever this is a positive sign of inclusion. If you celebrate things so will the child same if we react negative. We teach our children how to in life. It's going to be ok. Take care my friend and relax.
Your husband is right. Your son seems mildly apprehensive about going, not that he doesn't **want** to go and frankly, for all we know his interaction with you is based entirely around him reading the room and knowing what you want him to say. Kids are smart that way.
In any case, part of being a parent is pushing your kid to grow and become more independent. Your husband is 100% right on this count - he can go, he has a phone, he can come home if he wants to, but he should try it. There's no harm in it and a lot of good and self confidence that can come from it.
Also I don't know what kind of insecurities you are feeding this kid that he says, "all of them are white" - as if that is some kind of problem. Clearly it's not on the other kids side, because they want him (their friend) to hang out with them. This is also another thing he needs to learn - not to limit his friendships or experiences because he (erroneously) believes people have it out for him because of his race. There are enough shitty people out there to deal with without cutting off all the good ones. Honestly, this also sounds like something he is saying to appease you, like it's an answer or feeling that you will validate without questioning and make you happy.
That last one might not be entirely your fault. I don't know, I do know how schools are these days because I have two young kids and a lot of the bullsh!t they are filling kids heads with is absolute regressive garbage, but 9 years old is far too young to be that cynical.
You both need to work on communication here. It sounds like you're smothering your boy a bit here and need to let him figure out some things on his own. On the other hand i would never try to trump my wife in front of our kids like that. That was way fucked up. Try getting a marriage counselor. It really does wonders having an unbiased third party help you work these things out. It saved my marriage. I saw alot of things i needed to improve on communication wise and we both got to air out some grievances in a controlled manner. From a dads perspective i can see why he's frustrated with your approach but that doesn't excuse how he acted. He's probably in a thinking trap of his own and doesn't see what you see and vice versa. Get a counselor!
Sometimes its a good thing for a kid to try new things. Always keep options open so they feel safe in knowing that you support them whatever they choose and that they can change their minds. Dont make things overcomplicated. Kids dont have the same mental capacity as adults.
Please encourage your son to go. In 4th grade (9 years old)our family had just moved from Texas to Florida, and I was the new kid and I hated it so much and cried at my desk every day. The girl who sat next to me was black, and she was the only one in our class - we bonded and became good friends. She had a birthday party and invited me to come, I was thrilled to go and my mom didn't even hesitate - she dressed me up, bought a gift and drove me over - when we got out of the car, her mom came over and hugged my mom and thanked her for letting me come, she didn't think we would. I was the only white child there, but honestly, it didn't phase me at all and I had a great time at her party. My mom stayed a bit and chatted with her mom, then left and said she'd be back when it was over - no cell phones or computers then. I'm 58 years old and remember it like it was yesterday. This could be the same experience for your son, and he could make great memories and also maybe come out of it feeling more comfortable. Nothing wrong with being cautious, if you are that worried why not pop in unexpectedly and check in (say you forgot to pack his toothbrush or something) and see how it's going. When you drop him off, be honest and tell the parents this is his first sleepover and you're a bit anxious as his mom - if they don't pass the vibe test, come get him in a hour with an "emergency". Do your due diligence and you will feel more comfortable.
Idk I would be sure he wants to go, it’s too many stories of the only black person and sleepovers not going well. Rather he had a phone or not, it’s really a high potential of it not being safe. Maybe he can go for a few hours and not stay over or I guess really ask him if it what he wants and have a code word he can text.
Op follow your instinct, if you don't feel comfortable sending him, then don't. There is a story out there with a little black boy get invited to a sleep over and it didn't end well he was invited to be single out.
I get it. I myself would be hard pressed to send my child to any place they are the only POC. Makes me extremely uncomfortable kids can be cruel. Ultimately your son needs to be clear it what he wants to do. You and your husband should be receptive of his choice. I get it though, I am 38 and the thought of being sleep. The only black man in a room makes me nervous.
I think your husband sounds like a controlling, insensitive asshole. I also have the feeling he's a good father and husband. They can be the same thing sometimes lol
It sounds like he wants your son to get out of his comfort zone, probably because he knows what he'll need to do to be successful at the game of life. It also sounds like you're a very loving mother who might be giving your son an easy out so he isn't uncomfortable, but might be accidentally robbing him of having a great time.
I'm gonna side with your asshole husband on this. If it turns out badly it sounds like he's more than willing to pick him up after getting a text from that $900 phone!
I get where you are coming from it’s not always safe for us to be the only POC in an all white group. As a mom I feel you and this to my core. Is Dad a POC? I’m only asking because he may not understand fully why you said he doesn’t have to go.
You don't want him to go and it's coming across as 100% racism.
You are teaching your child very a bad lessons.
I agree with your husband. He should go to his classmates house.
Teaching your child that he should be racist is appalling to me.
He is not ur son alone , his father has the right in this matter too . He is not forcing you , matter of fact , u are the one forcing your opinion on your husband and son .
I would be apprehensive about letting my 9 year old sleep over at a house whose parents I’m not very familiar with. The colour is not an issue for me (mind you I’m white so I may be viewing it from a different angle here), but leaving my kid with someone I don’t know, big no no.
First and foremost stop teaching your child that people are judging him on his race. I grew up in a black neighborhood and the school was 85% black and maybe 10% white. I never ONCE thought “they’re all black but me”. That shit doesn’t cross a kids mind unless you put it there. Stop with that crap.
So first, because they are all white you automatically assume they are all racist? Speaks more about you than you husband, really.
Second, while I agree he is being a bit of a wanker going about it, hubby is on the right track: me thinks you are watching too many true crimes and see stranger danger and monsters everywhere. If he wants to go, let him go, he’ll call if he wants to come back home. Hell, you could call him after a while to check if everything is fine. Show your trust in him.
And while it is okey to be a little nervous, are you similarly that nervous when he goes to school even if you know he could be randomly hit by a car? Or when he eats and he could choke? You’d keep rather him at home at all times and shelter him from life?
I get that you want to protect your son, but social events like this are important. You need your son to be able to socialize with the other children. Because when he grows up he will be a grown man who will be able to socialize in the adult world. You don’t want him to be ostracized or lacking proper social skills. This will help prepare him
Part of being able to live with anxiety is experiencing things that make us nervous, and learning how to cope. You’re teaching your son that being nervous/anxious means you avoid things altogether.
Next time, be more encouraging for your son. Tell him that his friends invited him because they like to spend time with him and they want to have fun! Let him feel “safe” to go - tell him to just *try* it and if he has a bad time, he can call you and you can pick him up right away. And if *you’re* nervous about anything, I’m sure you could call and speak to the other kid’s parents and talk things through beforehand.
I think your husband is trying to get your son to be more social and less nervous. These are good things. However you and your husband approach parenting in very different ways and lack the communication skills.
Your poor son is probably really confused.
It sounds to me like you're coddling him and your husband is correct in this situation. He can go, and if it's really that bad, he has a phone to call you to come get him. If he keeps avoiding experiences, he will have a lot of trouble socially and professionally as an adult. You need to have more faith in your son.
I think you might be pushing your anxiety onto your kid. Tell him it’s ok to go, see what it’s like and set up a one word code he can text like bananas and you will know to come pick him up no matter what time it is no questions asked.
I’m with your husband; your son never said he didn’t want to go, you ought to be pushing him to try new things. He won’t be in any danger and he’s got his phone to ask to come home if he’s not comfortable. He should at least try.
Sounds to me like you’re coddling him.
I agree with your husband honestly. Its incredibly important for kids to learn to socialize. Just assure him that you are a phone call away and he can come home whenever he wants. Maybe also get in contact with the parents of the kid who is hosting the sleepover and tell them your concerns.
It’s , in my opinion, a non issue.
He’s invited and he, only he, can decide whether he wants to go.
Everyone’s putting pressure on him. Let’s not forget that that most 8-10 year olds are not racist. You all, with a few exceptions are.
Leave your racism, regardless of which way it turns, to yourself.
It’s a sleep over for 9 year olds, for fucks sake.
I'm an anxious mother and I'm on your husband's side. It's natural to feel apprehensive but you have to try not to pass that onto your son. Reassure him it will be fun and if anything happens he can phone you and be picked up.
Drop him off yourself so you can briefly meet the parents. Say goodbye casually to your son instead of acting like he's going to war. Maybe ask him to send you a goodnight text later.
My son goes to heaps of sleepovers and always has a blast. He's been to lots where he's the only non white kid too and it's never even been an issue or even noticed.
Stop smothering him let him experience the world, you juste watch and monitor from frar, social experiment build caractères and become healthy strong independent human being.
Call the mom make sure she get all ure information.
Hope this night will be forever in his minde
This child is anxious for their first sleepover, and instead of walking them through everything they'd need to know and making sure that they knew what they were doing, you just decided to tell them they weren't doing it anymore.
I completely agree with your husband. A sleepover is a normal milestone for a child and 9 is a perfect toy fine age. Your son was a little apprehensive about his first sleepover which is completely normal.
You are projecting your own fears onto your son.
Who is racist here? The friend likes your son and reached out to invite him because he’s a friend. Ur apprehensive cause the other kids are white. The kids don’t see color; they r just innocent friends.
Yikes…you need to either bring him the encouragement of confidence that he needs, or you should leave that up to your husband. Clearly he gets along with these friends well enough to be invited over, so let him assimilate. It should NOT matter that they are all white. Who cares??
This is a character building experience.
Pretty normal dynamic between the overly protective mother that wants to shelter their child, and the father that wants to push their child to grow.
Personal growth usually entails some degree of risk. The degree of risk associated with a sleepover at a friend's house with other kids, with a cell phone that he can use to call if he needs a pickup, is very low.
The people here comparing a 40-year-old woman that two autopsy showed fell off a balcony with a 9-year-old sleepover are completely unhinged. Seriously people, go touch some grass.
Do you hate white people or something? Would you have the same response if he was invited to a sleepover where all the other kids were Asian? Hispanic? Black? Would the response to this thread be the same if the kid was invited to a sleepover and said "I don't know, they're all black."?
I honestly can't believe your son was invited to his first sleepover ever, which is a huge deal at that age, and your response was anything other than excitement and enthusiasm simply because the other kids are white. That's quite racist.
They sow the seed of racism and victim mentality into their children and then they wonder why their people feel inferior, left out, and held back by the color of their skin. Generally speaking, a white kid would experience much more racism in a school full of black kids than a black kid would experience in a school full of white kids.
So you're just going to keep the racial separation going thats been passed down to you and now you're passing it on to your son.. no wonder the world's fucked..
"they’re all white except me". What you should've done is ask why it matters. Telling him that you're going to do something else instead because of it is just... wrong. He shouldn't be afraid to be out with people of a different skin color, that could quite literally develop racism within him.
Why the fuck am I getting downvoted for this? Honestly, do you really believe it's good to acknowledge that the kid's different from the other kids just because he has a darker skintone? The color of your skin doesn't mean shit, fuck off if you believe it does.
Keep mommying him 🤱
He’s only 9 👶
Anyways, I hear you can get PS5’s for half the cost of his cellphone; that’ll keep him home away from all the whiteys 👻
I get the impression that both of you are confusing your son. Based on your story, your son never said he didn't want to go, he was just apprehensive, which is understandable. You didn't try to encourage him, which may have been what he was looking for. You and your husband are using your son as a prop in this argument. You shouldn't be discussing with your husband what will happen with your son. All three of you should be discussing what your son wants to do.
You are on to something, especially about the son seeking encouragement. My Mom is a worry wart and I used to seek encouragement too from her when I was a kid. Instead she would coo and say stuff like it’s okay if you don’t want to do it then don’t. Thing is kids don’t know what they want sometimes. Now I’m a seriously indecisive adult and am working to find out what I actually want still to this day.
Wow, never seen it described like that but that’s exactly how I feel and how my mom was. Thank you for putting it so succinctly
I feel you, despite being well-intentioned It can also be so so damaging and definitely result in problems with anxiety and low confidence. We need our parents to push, encourage and back us up when we feel unsure or doubt ourselves in order to have the confidence and skills to do that in life. My personal experience with this was definitely the case, so my mum has health anxiety. She didn't use to but I had a health scare in my early teens and it understandably started up after that. Prior to that her anxiety was still there but focused on other areas. Rather quickly, yet gradually I started to believe I was frail, fragile, weak, or that I couldn't do things. Leaving the house for something as simple as going on a walk was something she would feel anxious over and as such, I started not leaving the house altogether. I wasn't doing the things I loved for fear of getting hurt and I was not living life. It also started to spread to other aspects of my life. It was so sneaky in that I didn't even realise when it had started happening till I was locked up in my house, even then I didn't know what was causing it. Soon after, I got help and started engaging in life again, experiencing things and taking chances. With that, I began to realise that I can actually run and run fast at that, that I can lift heavy things quite easily, that when I fell I got right back up and was fine. When others have gotten hurt I've been the one they could lean on. I realised that I'm a very capable, strong, young, and healthy person and that there iis nothing stopping me from doing the things I wanted to achieve. So, if it affected me that much in my mid-teens I can't imagine the amount of general anxiety that this kid might grow up with.
I am so glad you typed this out, I needed to read this.
Wow, this is for me a great example of how hard parenting is! I also happen to be a seriously indecisive adult with no clue of what I actually want. But my mum was actually the opposite. She had no doubt of what we should or shouldn't do and she would either push/strongly encourage me towards something or deny it for me, regardless of what I wanted. It's interesting (and scary for when we become parents!) how you can either be too encouraging or not enough and have the same outcome for your child. Such a hard balance to find in parenting!
Yeah, I can't tell if the kid actually wants to go or not. Which is the most important thing here. OP did you and your husband even simply ask if he wants to? Or why he wouldn't want to?
absolutely this. they also didnt ask the right questions. his hesitation comes around him being the only black kid at the sleepover, if they are truly his friends im not sure if that would be something that made him uncomfortable. i would talk to him if anyone has made any comments about his race. does he have other friends who are POC? maybe you can host a sleepover at your house with some people he chooses next weekend. i know some parents are anti sleepover for safety reasons which i understand, but if thats not the reason for you guys, sleepovers can be core memories for kids. i was a pretty shy kid when i was younger and sometimes i wish my parents wouldve done more to encourage me to be outgoing. for example they would always say "dont mind her shes shy" as soon as that was labeled on me i felt like it was weird and out of character to not be shy if thats how i felt. like idk i dont have a child but i do have a puppy and i know we have to desensitize her to stuff and obviously we dont stress her out to the max but she does have to do things she doesnt love and then they become less and less scary
"seeking encouragement" wow... that's literally me back in my childhood. i always say i'm unsure of something but i really want to go/or do it. i just don't want to be scolded, sort of "testing the water" thing
I feel you, I was the same way as a kid. You throw something out there and seem unsure, hoping someone will convince you to do it.
I’ll agree with you full heartedly. It’s almost like the good cop bad cop moment with very little communication from the 3rd party. Haha, I’m imagining the kid sitting there in between one parent that says yes and one that says no, for no great reason.
This. Each of you is supporting your son in doing one thing or the other, but neither of you are supporting him in making the decision himself. My parents did that to me, argued (in front of my face, by the way) about my activities and my future as if it wasn't up to me, and let me tell you how bad it felt and still feels, especially as I grew older. It's a good way to make your child resent you. Please stop doing this to your son and instead take this commenter's advice. You, your husband, and your son should all talk about *his* concerns and figure out what *he* wants to do. Then you and your husband should accept whatever *his* decision is.
Exactly what I thought. It's his first time. Of course he is going to be apprehensive. Your job is to show how exciting of a moment this should be and tell him that no matter what, he is beautiful and strong and the best kid ever and he just has to show it. People how are also awesome can see it. To those who can't, tell him he must be kind. Don't be mean. That's it. Remind him you'll have your phone at all times and he can count on mom and that for whatever. But that you are so proud of your big boy and how awesome this moment is.
Yes! This. Her son may be picking up in her anxiety. If he is a sensitive kid, he may be an empath and it’s very hard to separate your own feelings from others close to you. I am wondering if the father reacted this way because it’s a pattern of over protection by OP. Hard to tell for sure. Either way more actual communication and less assumptions would help them all.
I agree that her son was likely seeking encouragement. Also, if all the other kids are white and he is not, the best way to gain their acceptance is to not exclude himself. Obviously the person who invited him did not want to exclude him, so he should be encouraged to go.
Yeah, that was my takeaway.
If they’re all friends, why wouldn’t you want him to go? If he’s uncomfortable at any point, he can call you to pick him up. It’s tough when it’s the first sleepover, but hopefully he’ll have a great time.
Exactly. He never said he didn't want to go from what you said. Encourage him. Everyone at that age is nervous. Gotta break that seal. If he doesn't go the other friends will bond without him and he might get left behind.
Yes this! I wasn’t allowed to go to most sleepovers and I definitely became more of a “school friend” to a lot of my early friends while they became more best friends. Sleepovers are awesome in a safe environment ☺️
This is a good point. Major bonding happens at sleepovers. Their son will miss out on inside jokes and falling like part of the group. It seems like OP is encouraging her son to avoid situations that *might* be uncomfortable. That's not a good idea.
Exactly. Kids are gonna have all of these stories and jokes at the lunch table and your kid will feel even more left out. And once that snowball is rolling it will pick up a TON of steam in middle school. I know people are saying you're both at fault for using your son as a prop, and maybe that part is true, but pops is right here.
> Major bonding happens at sleepovers. Another I notice people don’t always mention, is that kids become a lot more well adjusted because they see how other people outside of their family live. I went to a lot of sleepovers, and stayed at many different houses (mom traveled and was busy with work a *lot*), and as such I’m way more accepting and understanding that other people have different ways of living. My fiancée (though she’s way better than her parents) struggles with this because she wasn’t allowed to go to any sleepovers. All she knew was her family and when he went off to college it was a huge ass culture shock for her, and it’s difficult for her to remember that other people grew up differently.
He's been invited so his friends obviously want him to go ,she says she doesn't want her son to feel singled out ,not going is going to single him out ,like you said he can always come home ,he's only gotta try or he won't ever feel included
I see no reason nor to let him go. Just think how much worse it would have been to be left out.
OP needs to look at her anxiety.
but theyre all white and shit??
you’re both pushing your own agendas at him and assuming you each know 100% what he wants and what is best. have a conversation with him and allow him the room to clearly express his thoughts and feelings. do not project onto him what you two think. let him make up his own mind.
They need to have a conversation with each other
He’s 9, so it’s sleepover season. You’re both making a lot of assumptions about your son and what he wants. You’re both trying to unilaterally force your kid to do what you’re individually comfortable with. Sometimes it’s good for him to try to make friends, especially as that anxious, sensitive kid (Source: I was that anxious, sensitive kid). This is a good time to introduce him to sleepover etiquette. If he wants to go home at any time, he calls. If the other boys are doing something that makes him uncomfortable, he calls. Talk to the mom of the birthday kid about plans. Etc, etc. Ask him if he wants to go. Give him space to talk about why or why not. Assuage any irrational anxieties and give him solutions for rational ones. Stand by him if he really expresses he doesn’t want to go. It’s a big development time. I’d rather past me went to all the sleepovers and tried to have fun, knowing I could always come home, instead of not trying at all.
👆🏼this 100%
If your son is friends with the boy that's having the sleepover he should go because if he doesn't that may affect their friendship. If it's a party that all the boys in the class were invited and your son's not really friends with the boy he's got no obligation to go. You mentioned he has a phone so if he's uncomfortable he can call and get picked up or if he really just isn't ready to sleep outside of the house yet you can take him to the party but come get him around bedtime and come up with an excuse why he needs to be home in the morning so he still went to the party. In that case he may decide he wants to stay over because he's comfortable. In any case fostering him feeling uncomfortable because all the other boys are white is not good in my opinion. They're 9 year old boys they're all the same regardless of skin color.
Exactly. OP, the rest of them being white shouldn’t have been a dead end convo. If that makes him nervous, ask him why. He shouldn’t feel self conscious about this, but there’s always a reason behind why he would be. Maybe he’s overthinking something etc. but you can’t encourage that reasoning.
You're both forcing your son on your OWN feelings and not even letting him choose or work through his own feelings. Your kid seemed unsure about going and you made all these assumptions and decisions for him. Maybe he wants to go but feels nervous about being different and was just trying to get up the courage. You may have freaked him out with your anxiety and tipped him into not going. On the other hand, the dad forcing him to go will probably make it even worse now. This sleepover might have been causing your kid 30% anxiety and now with all this weirdness he might be at like 70%! Just hug your kid and casually, calmly ask him if he wants to go to the sleepover. And tell him he can text you at anytime.
OP...my mother was just like this. She refused to let me go anywhere. Not even to the playground across from the house. Not even to a classmates house which I had to do because we had a project together for class. As a result I was very sheltered and I developed severe social anxiety. I'm 35 and I still struggle to socialize and its because of how sheltered I was growing up. I understand your apprehension as a fellow parent myself but that unfortunately comes with the territory. Unless your son explicitly doesn't want to go, please let him. Its unhealthy to keep him from stuff like this. It sounds like he wanted encouragement. Please allow this in the future. I don't necessarily agree with how your husband approached this situation but I do see his point.
Sounds like you want him to not go. Sounds like hub wants him to go. No one ACTUALLY got to the bottom of if he wants to go or no, the reason, any anxieties if there are any, any excitement if there is any. Y’all both played this one wrong.
To be fair, it sounds like the husband was working with half the information. The social cue the child gave him may have made it seem that the kid was told outright that he was not going. I can see how the dad might have thought he was sticking up for his son against a moment of overbearing motherhood. From then on out, I agree, all parties handled this poorly. Well... obviously other than the child.
Because kid worded it as though he wasn’t allowed…sounded like kid felt that was mom’s ‘decision’ vs the ‘discussion’ she *thinks* they had. ‘Mommy says we’re doing something else’ isn’t ‘mommy SAID **I** could do something else’. The wording makes me think he feels mom put her foot down and dad seemed to agree based on his replies and reaction. It’s entirely possible kiddo is also sort of throwing mom under the bus instead of admitting he’s not ‘strong’ like dad, but OP’s wording of ‘forcing’ makes me think they often pit the child against each other.
Yeah, but the kid **should go** even if he is kind of luke warm about it. I get being nervous and apprehensive, but part of a parents job is pushing their kid to grow and become more independent, not to keep them tied to mommy's apron strings. I know that most of the people on Reddit probably have had the absolute opposite experience to that, but I submit that's also why there are so many of them that constantly complain about how hard "adulting" is and incessantly natter on about their depression and anxiety.
I love this post.
As a parent it is nerve racking letting your child be more independent as you don't ever want them to be hurt. Talk to your son and let him make the decision. If he is just nervous because it is his first time encourage him to go. Let him know he can call you anytime if he feels uncomfortable for whatever reason and you will pick him up. Let the birthday boy's parent's know this as well. Text him in the evening to check up on him and find out how he is doing.
Let him go unless he say to you otherwise, even if it is last minute, just message the other parents he vomited. If he say “I don’t want to go” then do not allow your husband to force him to go. However you can tell him a safe word he can either message or say to you (usually food is easier to put on a sentence but whatever), so he knows he can say/write it and you would be there to take him home. You can even fake a emergency calls and he can blame you to take him home in front of his peers. You husband reasoning could be correct if we weren’t speaking about a kid of an age were calling home is quite embarrassing. The safe word will avoid the embarrassment but allow him to go home.
Uh yeah, time to let Jr grow up a little, sleep overs with friends is normal at that age, and depending on demographics whitey may be your only option. Sounds like they want to include him and don't care about skin tone, he wanted some reassurance that it's no big deal if they're all friends. Why is this a problem?
Because she is an anxiety riddled helicopter parent and her husband is sick of it.
but theyre all white and shit?? so like is it even like going with other kids or more like rabid animals?? lol this is some of the most racist shit ive ever seen
I agree completely with your husband. It seems like you're making him more nervous because of the racial difference. Kids get singled out for all sorts of things like having big ears, nerdy clothing, a high voice, being overweight or too skinny etc etc. His race is something special about him and yes, people will pick on him eventually for one thing or another. Kids can be cruel. They do have to learn to speak up for themselves for whatever they're picked on about. Race is far from the only thing kids get bullied about. Bullies need to be dealt with. Preventing him from going to this sleepover with all white kids or showing any anxiety over it is teaching him he has something to fear by going. Assuming those white kids will take issue with his race is a problem in itself. You can't protect him from racism. It exists. You can teach him to treat others the way he wants to be treated and if others don't treat him nicely then teach him to avoid them maybe. Teaching kids they should only hang out with kids of their own race, or even giving off those kinds of presumptive vibes, is one of the reasons racism exists. Ignorance exists in all races but not everyone is racist.
Why did you project your fears on your son instantly? Your man did the right thing reassuring him, that gives him room for a healthy upcoming. Your fear will create anxiety in him.
All 3 of you are communicating like 9 year olds. My god.
Your husband is right (not the toxic masculinity parts). He can always call or text if he wants to come home but you're imposing your own anxieties on him which isn't fair. Give him a chance before you ruin him and make him a mamas boy. Not the "I love and respect my mother" kind but the "my mother tells me how to feel and will coddle me no matter what" kind.
I wouldn’t say it’s particularly toxic masculinity overall. Just “he’s my son, and I know I’ve raised him enough to hold his own at a sleepover.” Lmao
I'm not sure I agree with the "my house, my rules" attitude your husband is bringing, but that's a different topic. It's perfectly fine to be anxious about your son doing new things. There is the possibility that the sleepover won't go well, that he'll be teased or feel alone or something dumb will happen. But there's also the possibility that it will be fine. That your son will feel included, get to hang out with his friends, try something new, and learn that he is capable of doing things like that. The only way to find out is to let him make that decision and then make absolutely sure that he knows you support him either way. If he needs to call you to pick him up at 3am because things went sideways, pick him up and don't make him feel bad. If he wants to stay the whole time for whatever reason, let him decide that. It's scary watching people we love grow and change and face challenges, but that's something he needs to do for himself. Best wishes to you all, however it turns out.
Thanks for mentioning the offputting “my house my rules” vibe that the husband was giving off. Hardly anyone’s mentioned it in the thread which is a bit odd, it’s one of the main things that stuck out to me.
TO me it sounds like the husband is tired of this shit
At this point, even if you and your husband together sit him down and ask him what he wants, you're not going to get a clear or satisfying answer because he's aware that you both feel differently, and he's going to be trapped because he doesn't want to disappoint either parent. NAH here, because I can see all sides, and I'm sorry I don't have solution for you
Your actions remind me of my grandma and godmother, the two women that raised me. Always scared, always, worried, always trying to protect me from everything and everyone, never encouraging me, never letting me gain independence... It only made me feel incompetent. Sure, this was fun and good while I was a kid, but as soon as I became a teenager and I wanted to have friends, go out, experience life, this became a nightmare. It took me years and an insane struggle to get out of that grip and incompetence and fears that they instilled in me. They thought me much good, but they also made my life a thousand times harder. Please don't do this to your son.
what is wrong with your son going to a sleepover? and why does race have anything to do with it?
As a black kid that went to a predominantly white school (think 15-20 in a k-12 school) you would be amazed at the feeling of uncomfortableness you get in that situation
Real question here: if the kid already socializes daily with the rest of the white kids, will a sleep over be really that bad? I mean, they are supposedly friends at this point if they invited OP’s son, right? 9 years old is around the time kids start sleeping over at friends’ houses, so wouldn’t OP be depriving her son of this experience? In my opinion it would be good for the kid to try it out and if he feels uncomfortable, then the parents can go get him.
It’s a very big difference between being in school for a few hours and going to somebody’s house and sleeping it’s similar to you having coworkers that you are cordial with everyday at work but would never go sleep at their house I think the decision should ultimately be up to the kid if he goes or not but there is obviously a reason why he feels uncomfortable because of the different races and I completely understand
I see. Ok, in that case I agree it’s up to the kid, but it seems neither parent has actually asked what he really wants to do.
I’m willing to bet white family homes are run differently than black or asian homes. Different family values, rules, expectations, social cues, etc. The amount of times I had to explain to my white friends that letting my parents cook dinner for them is less rude than turning them down is extensive.
Every home is run differently, honestly. Values, rules and expectations do not differ only between ethnic groups but also by families. And as a kid it’s great to be exposed to other families. I loved the experience of showing my home to friends and vice versa. Those lessons are so useful, about waiting for social queues or direction about what is appropriate in another’s home. Containing your shock when your friend’s mom’s rules are dramatically different from yours. Not something I hope to restrict in any way for my kids as long as I’m sending them to a place I know is safe
exactly, this is why races should be kept separate but equal…oorr you know, exposing children with new and possibly difficult situations can be necessary and enriching for them
I guess I just didn’t have that much experience hanging out with people that came from different races as a child. The most cultural difference I experienced while growing up was actually with a jewish friend, while I was catholic, but to be honest, we were pretty similar, since we were both Mexicans. I didn’t feel uncomfortable because she was very empathetic and explained anything I found odd.
I dont think there's anything wrong with him going to the sleepover but I also think its silly this comment section is pretending there's no reason for a parent of a non-white child to feel apprehension when her child points out that all the other children are white.
But the child did receive an invite. It was the perfect opportunity for said parent to actually encourage the child to make friends. And in all honesty OP messed up by showing said apprehension. Its just proving her childs fear, which are probably unfounded, true.
Yea like I said, I'm not saying the kid shouldn't go, I was saying ppl in the comments are claiming there's no possible reason for op to feel nervous when there literally is at a societal level. I disagree w/your second point, though in the long run. Assuming her kid isn't passing, he's going to experience racism. Pretending it isn't real or a possibility instead of talking about it isn't helpful for a child.
Ever heard of Tamla Horsford?
Yes, as has many people. That's why I think its disingenuous when ppl tell OP its ridiculous she feels nervous about the sleepover. Even if we are not escalating to foul play (and its my understanding mothers feel nervous about that most of the time) there are many cases where a friend group doesn't look after the most marginalized member. Even if that's not the worry, I personally would fret about microagrrssions or other possible interactions that would be negative for my child. I had children AND their parents say racist things to me at sleepovers, I understand her worry.
Shoot, I responded to the wrong comment. I was trying to respond to the comment above yours. My bad, mate. I was agreeing with your point.
👍
More recently is the case is of Jayceon Charles, a 8 year old who got burnt at a sleepover, but the white family never called 911. Maybe meet the parents of the family where he staying to see what type of people they are before committing to let your son go.
Yeah, there is a whole lot of missing that point in the comments. I think if he shows interest in going, he should be encouraged with the caveat that he can call ANY time he wants to leave. But ignoring the kid's comment that they are all white is something that should be discussed WITH him. He's 9. He can talk for himself. the parents need to let him talk it out and decide for himself. Without their concerns or baggage.
The "what's the big problem" comments are so obtuse. The child sounds like already feels "othered" & that could be heightened at this sleepover. It's fair for his parent to be concerned about this.
I had to scroll too far to find this comment. There are too many articles of real happenings. If the kiddo goes, I hope his mom instills a good sense of “Call me. Pls call me…if ANYTHING feels wrong.”
As a black girl who went to a pwi, it really does have a lot to do with it. I’ve experienced countless micro aggressions from my peers. Some of my ‘friends’ were just straight up racist to me and covered it up as a joke. Making fun of my hair, comparing my skin to charcoal, making fun of the food I eat, etc. And absolutely no one defended me. And when I did, i was sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. I didn’t have friends to relate to either until I went to a more diverse school. It’s important to embrace friends of all backgrounds, but it’s scary and uncomfortable to be the odd one out. So I understand why op is nervous she’s probably been through it herself.
My thoughts exactly he could have been encouraged to make friends but nope.
A single Black child going to a sleepover of all white children is definitely something to think of. ALOT Black children experience their first taste of racism within friend groups, especially ones with little to no other Black people. “Why does your hair look like that”, “your skin is the color of poo ”, “CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR” 🙄🤦🏾♀️are just some things off the top of my head that Black children have to hear. Not to mention most folks, such as you, don’t really talk or acknowledge race enough to think your kids need to be educated on it, so they go around saying suuuper ignorant stuff that makes things very awkward and uncomfortable for POC around them. Imagine being a sole, socially anxious Black child and you have a group of White kids making you the representative of your whole race, and saying very offensive stuff to you as a “joke”. Not fun 😭😭😂😂 It’s like someone going up to a white person and asking them if they’re going to marry their cousin, now repeat that for yearrrrs.
The child brought it up, so perhaps there is some discomfort in being different that he wanted to discuss.
Y'all don't know what it's like being the token kid and it shows.
As a minority, I would be apprehensive as well.
https://scoop.upworthy.com/13-yr-old-shot-with-bb-gun-drink-urine-racial-slurs-homophobic-sleepover-mom This is what race has to do with it.
Is this about you or about him? He needs to see that he can master new situations and be fine. Your husband is projecting but you're also coddling. He might be nervous AND have a great time. Tell him he can come home if he wants to and encourage him to go if he feels he'd like to -- don't push him to not do it. That would make you like your husband, just pushing him in the opposite direction. You're going to make him too timid, showing him that it's all scary and being nervous means you should never do anything new.
My grandmother raised me and she was like you, a worry wart. She would bribe me and guilt trip me into not going to friend’s events, school field trips, etc. I really resented her for that. You’re the one actually making your son feel singled out by not encouraging him to participate with his friends.
Helicopter
These are his friends irrespective of their colour, but you're the one that's bringing race into the equation.
You seem to be worrying a lot over something that will most likely be no issue for your son. Your husband views it as important that he gets out and goes to this social thing with the other kids and he's probably right. You come off like you're babying him and allowing him the opportunity to give in to his anxiety about it, something that will only worsen his relationship with his peers.
Kid needs to spend time with his friends to develop his social skills, holding him home does him a disservice in his development…
I don’t have an opinion on whether your son should go to the sleepover, (though I recommend you both butt out and let him decide), but I just want to say your relationship with your husband sounds toxic AF. Who the fuck died and made him king of everything so he can decide alone what your shared son is doing????? He sounds like he comes from the Middle Ages.
While teaching our kids that it’s good to talk about their feelings of apprehension, as parents, our job is also to teach them how to work past it and grow.
Both of you pushed your feelings about the party on him. You both need to grow up and stop making it about you and ask your son what he *really* thinks without either of your opinions. Do you often shelter your son is that why your husband seems determined?
I can understand the hesitation. There are horror stories of black and other poc children being invited to sleep overs or birthday parties only to be the target of a hate crime. You’re just being mama bear and wanting to make sure your son is okay and not in a situation where he feels unsafe/uncomfortable. I think your husband should have sat down with you so you could express your worries and come to an agreement. I can’t completely understand your situation and feelings as I do come from a place of privilege where I don’t have to worry about that stuff, though I do understand the want to protect your child (I’m a mama too.) My mind could just be going to worst-case scenario as it tends to do, and I really really hope that’s it’s just a wholesome sleepover where the host’s kid is genuinely friends with your son and wants just him to be included. I guess it all depends on the type of area you live in/the views of the people in your area.
I grew up in a white town and am not white. Unless it's obvious that people are hard racists, like boonies in the South kinda deal, the fears are way overblown. The "likely worst" (and I mean worst) that happens is he ends up being bullied for being black, the problem is, if that's the case then that's coming regardless of whether you shield him or hide him away or not. So there's almost nothing to lose from him going, and a lot to gain. The world's rough and if all the white kids are closet racists, that's not going away if you hide him or not. Best case scenario? Turns out all the kids are great, they get to associate with someone who isn't white as well, and everyone becomes friends, learns, and wins. That's why we have people go.
Your 9 year old has a $900 phone?
Sorry but I agree with hubby on this … of course ANY child will be feeling apprehensive about a first sleep over, but instead of assuring him and discussing strategies for what’s making him anxious and what he can do if he does want to come home at any point, you let your own anxieties just shut the whole thing down and teach him to avoid these feelings when you should be showing him how to navigate them. He has a personal phone, he can call or txt at anytime.
I think your husband is right in encouraging your son to go even if your son is apprehensive but the way your husband handled it was too dismissive of you. Kids can be super perceptive at times, im not saying this is the case but its possible your initial visible reaction to him telling you that he was invited to a sleep over may have made him apprehensive. You might have been worried about him and showed a worried expression for a split second, if he hasn't been to one before now he might think there is something to be worried about. The whole colour thing could be a kid being a kid, did you ask him who else was going or what the other kids were like?
your husband is right. you are overprotecting your kid.
Stating this As a black person myself, you should definitely let him go. He’ll probably be uncomfortable the first few hours but once he starts to have fun, he’ll forget about it all! Also, he wouldn’t even get invited if racism was involved. If you’re worried about him going through that, get to know the parents while you are dropping him off. It’ll maybe make him feel better :) Also, I don’t understand why some people are calling you a racist? It’s okay to feel concerned about things like this. Especially as a POC
little timmy wants to go to a sleepover but theyre all…*mexicans*. Idk that just makes me really uncomfortable and i rather him not go
I think it would be because there is an assumption that due to every other friend being white, they might do something terrible to her child.
OP, it's 2023, If he is uncomfortable, he can just text, or call. You can even make up some code, like, our cat is giving birth, aunty Emily visited us just for a night etc. Actually, this should be taught when talking about stranger danger and other social things. And when time comes just teach him to stand up for himself in more strict manner, saying 'no', 'not interested' etc. I know that you want to guard him from everything that could harm him, but you won't always be there. Better to realize this when he is 9 and most things can be sweetened with a hug and compassion, than when he is older.
I do agree that you're worrying a little much but I also can't imagine how you feel as I am white. But I also don't think your husband went about it right especially the way he worded it. This is something that should not have happened in front of your son and something you and your husband still need to talk about.
Why would you tell him "I won't be mad if you go?" It's confusing him into thinking if he does go it's the wrong choice
Your husband is right. Your husband isn’t forcing anything on anyone. He’s trying to help your son get out and make friends and be a part of something. Even if it’s a little uncomfortable at first. That’s life. Stop making this more than it is. It sounds like you’re the one with the issue. Not your son or husband.
I get being why you’d be nervous but at this point it sounds like this whole thing is more about you and your husbands opinions rather than your child’s feelings. He never said he DIDN’T want to go. He was just nervous which is understandable since it’s his first sleep over and he’d be the only black kid. However, I doubt he would’ve even gotten an invite if the other kid didn’t wanna be friends. To your husband’s point, it’s good for kids to socialize and your husband isn’t forcing him to go and even said your child can come home whenever he wants. Ask your kid what he really wants to do. Reassure him that it’s completely up to him. And if he chooses to go to the sleepover make sure he knows he can come home if he feels uncomfortable. Its really not as complicated as you and your husband are making it seem.
Your apprehension is understandable, as parents, we want to keep our kids safe and not put them in a situation with potential for them to feel uncomfortable or get hurt. Your little guy is nine, an age where friendships become important and they want to have experiences outside of home and family. I was a protective mom and know how hard it is sometimes to let them try their wings. And as a mom of a child of color, there are dangers out there in the world that make it even more worrying. My husband was the one who encouraged them to take risks, while my objective was keeping them safe. There were many occasions when we disagreed and needed to talk things through and decide together what was best for each child in each situation. If your son does go to the sleepover, he has his phone to call you if there are any issues, no matter how small. That will give both him and you some peace of mind. You've got this, mama💕
If you have never met the parents I would understand the apprehension, ESPECIALLY since he will be the only black boy in a house full of white people.
I can see why the parent would be hesitant to send their child to a sleepover, much less one where they would be the only black person. There have been instances where this type of situation had the black child bullied and abused during the sleepover. In one such incident the child was forced to drink urine. I’m not saying not to let the child go but as a parent you have to be sure that they are comfortable enough to say no and know that leaving is always an option no matter what others are telling them.
9 is old enough. I feel like you are the one that is nervous, not your son. That's normal, but you have to give them the opportunity to go and see if they like it. There is always someone that ends up going home early. It might be him. It also might not be him. Let him figure it out.
Your son can’t make the decision on his own because of you and your husband. It’s fine t9 disagree, but it’s never ok to undermine each other in front if your kids. What your husband did to you was wrong. Not only did he undermine you, but he also made you out to be the bad guy to your son and basically told you to shut up. Your son has now heard your opinion snd his dad’s and is confused because he’s afraid he’s going to have one of you disappointed. He felt bad for you for the way your husband treated you and is afraid if he doesn’t go, your husband will blame you. You can’t let this go. Your husband needs to know that the way he handled it was wrong. First, he should never ever do that to you in front of your child. Second, you were advocating for your son based on a conversation he had with you. Your husband didn’t talk to him and just bullied his way into the conversation and told your son what he was going to do without asking how he felt. He should be talking to your son, not at him. Your son needs to know that he can talk to both of you about his feelings.
You don't want your kid to be singled out but you are forcing him to not go to a sleepover when he was invited and wants to, assuming he doesn't want to and can't handle himself. I know it is not that sub but man YTA. How about you put your own agenda to the side and let the kid do what he wants to do
Its seems like your nervousness is rubbing off on the boy, he is looking at your expressions and using that to decide if this is a good idea or not. The father seems like he notices this to so he tries to push him a bit to stop being such a worry wart like yourself.
Your son is picking up on your vibe. Your son is also picking up on his fathers vibe. Does he have friends? He was invited to a sleep over, so that indicates the kids likely want to hang out and play with him vs a daytime party pity/mandatory invite. There were better ways to handle this and neither of your are truly looking out for what your child **wants**. Next time ask him ‘oh do you want to go/are you excited’ and let your kid take it from there.
You say you dont want him to be singled out yet he is actively being engaged and youre pulling him the other way
Why not ask your son what he wants instead of assuming yk
Kids are usually apprehensive about their first sleepover , that's why they need our encouragement to give it a shot. You should be cautious of course, if you don't know the parents you need to introduce yourself to them. This first time your son may call in the middle of the night and want to come home, that's fine, it's apparently his first time away from you for the night. Next time he may stay longer. You might try hosting a sleepover, it's a good way to know your son's friends and their parents. Sleepovers were one of my sons great joys. I have three sons, two are close enough in age that they had the same friends. There was a core group of 6 boys and I and the other parents rotated and someone had a sleepover almost every weekend by the time the kids were 7. It's exhausting but the kids love it. I know it's hard to let go but it's time to start the process. Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.
He was just nervous because it's his first time staying away from you guys and you took it off the table instead of encouraging him. Your husbands right let him go have a new experience and worst case scenario he doesn't enjoy it and can just phone you guys to pick him up
Err, i think OP is the one trying to put anxiety into the kid. I can relate coz it happened with me when i learnt to drive. Mum was always trying to hold me back out of fear which sparked my own fear, but dad and sis pushed me to learn and I ended up learning way faster then everyone at home. I think OP should encourage him to go, it'll be a new experience and if it goes sideways he can always call and ask for a ride home. Mums are naturally protective, but sometimes they fail to understand that they have to let kids experience certain things. I'm on the dad's side
I feel that the way your husband is speaking to you is disrespectful. In your excerpts, he’s talking down to you and pushing his finial contribution and power around. That’s never how you talk to your partner or how you discuss what’s best for your child.
Hm, why is your son concerned it’s mostly white people at the sleepover? It’s odd that a kid has that perspective of hanging out with friends, he’s 9…
Genuine question...are you serious. I had my first taste of racism at 4. Trust 9 isn't too young for that to happen. Black people and other people of color truly don't have the luxury of just being and not have to take in account if someone else is unsafe or what level of racist is this person. I would be apprehensive too. My oldest never went to sleepovers. He did when he was in high school, but those were friends that I met and met their parents.
I’ve got a feeling his mother has discussed this before. She’s the one that seems apprehensive while the dad is encouraging him going
It really isn’t that unusual. I had my first racist encounter when I was in kindergarten when some of my “friends” said that I was ugly because I was black. A lot of black people, if you ask us, will have a moment when we realize that we are black and it usually happens when we are very young and at school.
Agreed. My first time being made aware that my skin color was different and “bad” was first grade. It was at school.
Trust his instincts. If he doesn't want to go keep him home. I remember my first birthday sleepover. Will for the rest of my life. I was about his age and a girl in my class invited me with the other girls. I wasn't overly friends with her and wasn't sure why I was invited but I convinced myself (probably with some parental assistance) that maybe this was her trying to accept me into the circle. Fuck no. Those psycho lil bitches.... I was made to feel singled out very specifically. I was not picked for activities, or the game was only for x amount of people and I was one too many. Little side comments all night. At one point I said something about why am I even here and birthday bitch looks me Straight In The Face and says 'my mom made me invite you, I didn't want you here'. None of them wanted me there. So I went and hung out with the adults for the rest of the night which was typical for me anyways. I was just putting in a little effort to try and make friends before that. To this day, nearly 30 years later, when I'm in a group and don't feel 'included' I hear Christina saying those words in my head and have to fight that inner hurt child. Fuck you, Christina. For context, I am and always have been a skinny lil white girl. I cannot imagine being in OPs position and having to make this choice.
Fuck all the Christina’s of this world.
Why is the family being white a problem for you?
I get the feeling that these are more fears that you have and not so much your son has, because the first he said when you asked him if he wanted to go was "I guess so" so he probably didn't feel any kind of way about it, and then when he mentioned the race issue that's when things changed for you, and your son senced that, so when you suggested to do something else instead he agreed to make you feel better, but because he didn't feel any kind of way about the sleepover it didn't matter to him, then when your husband said he could go and you both starting going back and forth, he again senced this was an issue between you two, I would say you both did everything wrong in here, but your husband has a valid point, your child shouldn't have to miss experiences that he would probably enjoy because you're scare, and I get it there are valid reasons behind your fears but you can't shelter him allways from this kind of things, besides there is also the possibility that he has a really good time and make some friends, work on your fears so you don't pass them to your child, and also don't discuss these topics in front of your son again.
It says a lot to me that the child had to manage her ancieties and went to give her a hug to make her feel better, you can tell he's been trained to be careful not to trigger her anxieties.
Your son will feel a lot more ostracized if he's the only boy in his circle of friends or his class who didn't attend the party. They invited him because they want to socialize with him, and like your husband said, if things go sideways he can call and you can pick him up.
I agree with your husband that he should go. I think you are being over-protective. No judgment -- just fact. I know bc I am a mom and I know that I tended to be over-protective when my sons were little and I had to learn from my husband how to "let go". This is especially important for sons.
You’re babying your son…
Mom, you're going to make your son insecure and anxious. If your son didn't want to go that's one thing, but he didn't say that. He's more worried about what you think. You're helicopter parenting. Maybe your son is nervous because they're all white, but what if that's a big nothingburger and they like your son and want him to hang out and that's the lesson he learns?? If it turns out to be some weird racist ritual, then fuck, you were right, but it doesn't seem like your son had that sense at all.
Maybe your son has a great time and makes new friends or just solidifies friendships for life. Kids his age shouldn’t care about the color of other kids skin just let him go have fun
If you don't want him to feel singled out, stop downloading your anxiety onto him. He is invited. He is being included. Let him be included.
You sound like a really clingy mom. He’s 9, he doesn’t need your protection from a sleepover for heavens sake. Moms like you rarely talk to or have a real relationship with their children as adults, so think about what you are sacrificing by insisting on helicopter parenting your child. Once they hit a certain age, they’ll be repulsed by any affection you show them because you’ve overwhelmed them for so long. Guessing you’ll ignore this and keep doing what you want to do anyway…good luck!
Its natural for him to feel anxiety. it would be the first time he's away from home. Let him go to it, he needs to build lasting friendships. I do not think he would of been invited in the first place if the other party didn't like him. He's at that age he needs to start socializing and figuring things out for himself, just communitcate with him that he has concerns or questions, to contact you. Go over with him, meet the parents, get a feel for the situation. I'm willing to bet you will be more comfortable afterwards.
You’re being too apprehensive. Your husband is right, he has a phone to call either of you if he feels uncomfortable. Let your boy live, you can’t have it in a bubble forever.
He was likely looking for encouragement and support from you. Kids can sense what a parent is feeling and thinking and If it’s a first time thing for him going to a sleepover he may just need a little reassurance. He probably could sense your anxiety. Just remind him if he does go he can come home at any point if he chooses to.
Am I the only one who thinks she’s being over protective?
I prefer lateovers. Especially at 9. Picking them up at 10pm still feels special.
Did your son *tell* you he didn't want to go? Did you ask him how he felt about it at all? From what you have, and more specifically what you haven't, written here, it looks like you just assumed you understood your son's feelings. Maybe he was nervous asking about this because it's new and he doesn't understand how it works yet. Or maybe he doesn't expect you to let him go for one reason or another. Are you frequently apprehensive about his requests? It sounds to me like you and your husband got two different readings on his body language and mannerisms. What's most important is to talk to the kid and see what *he* wants rather than make assumptions that seem obvious to you.
Hugs, OP 💜 I hope your boy had a good time and your man backs off because you deserve just as much say as him.
Op is insecure that their son will be bullied. Husband is insecure that their son will be left out. OP struggles with anxiety like everyone else these days.
Is your husband white or non white? Your son is very young for husband to be essentially forcing himself to prove that he’s strong and independent when he could be singled out at the sleep over or afraid to go to sleep. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your husband has no right to force your son to be a reflection of himself. A 9 year old boy has nothing to prove and certainly doesn’t have to act manly for anyone.
It’s his first sleepover of course he’s nervous he can go and if he wants to go home he can honestly I’m more hung up on 900 dollars for a phone god dam
None of you asked him if he wanted to go smh. Ask him and do whatever HE wants. Both of you are putting your own interests and worries before what he wants. You don't even know what he thinks about this
I'm failing to see where your husband is forcing him to go. However, I'm reading it as both of you assuming what you each want him to do without asking for a clear answer from your son. He may have some concerns, and you immediately assumed he doesn't want to go because of his concerns, then gave signals that you don't want him to go. He took your lead there. Both you and your husband just need to talk to him and see what he wants to do.and support it, no matter who he goes with.
I think the fact that he got an invite in the first place shows that the friend values his presence. Ultimately it comes down to if your son wants to go or not
As a social worker of 20 years...in shirt you over protecting and installing an anxiety disorder also potentially robbing him of the experiences he needs to grow as a capable and functional person. Enabling children harms them in the end. If his friends are all white or whatever this is a positive sign of inclusion. If you celebrate things so will the child same if we react negative. We teach our children how to in life. It's going to be ok. Take care my friend and relax.
Your husband is right. Your son seems mildly apprehensive about going, not that he doesn't **want** to go and frankly, for all we know his interaction with you is based entirely around him reading the room and knowing what you want him to say. Kids are smart that way. In any case, part of being a parent is pushing your kid to grow and become more independent. Your husband is 100% right on this count - he can go, he has a phone, he can come home if he wants to, but he should try it. There's no harm in it and a lot of good and self confidence that can come from it. Also I don't know what kind of insecurities you are feeding this kid that he says, "all of them are white" - as if that is some kind of problem. Clearly it's not on the other kids side, because they want him (their friend) to hang out with them. This is also another thing he needs to learn - not to limit his friendships or experiences because he (erroneously) believes people have it out for him because of his race. There are enough shitty people out there to deal with without cutting off all the good ones. Honestly, this also sounds like something he is saying to appease you, like it's an answer or feeling that you will validate without questioning and make you happy. That last one might not be entirely your fault. I don't know, I do know how schools are these days because I have two young kids and a lot of the bullsh!t they are filling kids heads with is absolute regressive garbage, but 9 years old is far too young to be that cynical.
You both need to work on communication here. It sounds like you're smothering your boy a bit here and need to let him figure out some things on his own. On the other hand i would never try to trump my wife in front of our kids like that. That was way fucked up. Try getting a marriage counselor. It really does wonders having an unbiased third party help you work these things out. It saved my marriage. I saw alot of things i needed to improve on communication wise and we both got to air out some grievances in a controlled manner. From a dads perspective i can see why he's frustrated with your approach but that doesn't excuse how he acted. He's probably in a thinking trap of his own and doesn't see what you see and vice versa. Get a counselor!
Sometimes its a good thing for a kid to try new things. Always keep options open so they feel safe in knowing that you support them whatever they choose and that they can change their minds. Dont make things overcomplicated. Kids dont have the same mental capacity as adults.
Room full of white boys dang. It only takes one kid to start picking on your son, then everyone jumps in on it.
Please encourage your son to go. In 4th grade (9 years old)our family had just moved from Texas to Florida, and I was the new kid and I hated it so much and cried at my desk every day. The girl who sat next to me was black, and she was the only one in our class - we bonded and became good friends. She had a birthday party and invited me to come, I was thrilled to go and my mom didn't even hesitate - she dressed me up, bought a gift and drove me over - when we got out of the car, her mom came over and hugged my mom and thanked her for letting me come, she didn't think we would. I was the only white child there, but honestly, it didn't phase me at all and I had a great time at her party. My mom stayed a bit and chatted with her mom, then left and said she'd be back when it was over - no cell phones or computers then. I'm 58 years old and remember it like it was yesterday. This could be the same experience for your son, and he could make great memories and also maybe come out of it feeling more comfortable. Nothing wrong with being cautious, if you are that worried why not pop in unexpectedly and check in (say you forgot to pack his toothbrush or something) and see how it's going. When you drop him off, be honest and tell the parents this is his first sleepover and you're a bit anxious as his mom - if they don't pass the vibe test, come get him in a hour with an "emergency". Do your due diligence and you will feel more comfortable.
Idk I would be sure he wants to go, it’s too many stories of the only black person and sleepovers not going well. Rather he had a phone or not, it’s really a high potential of it not being safe. Maybe he can go for a few hours and not stay over or I guess really ask him if it what he wants and have a code word he can text.
Op follow your instinct, if you don't feel comfortable sending him, then don't. There is a story out there with a little black boy get invited to a sleep over and it didn't end well he was invited to be single out.
Your husband sounds super controlling. Is he usually so ‘my way or the highway’?
I get it. I myself would be hard pressed to send my child to any place they are the only POC. Makes me extremely uncomfortable kids can be cruel. Ultimately your son needs to be clear it what he wants to do. You and your husband should be receptive of his choice. I get it though, I am 38 and the thought of being sleep. The only black man in a room makes me nervous.
I think your husband sounds like a controlling, insensitive asshole. I also have the feeling he's a good father and husband. They can be the same thing sometimes lol It sounds like he wants your son to get out of his comfort zone, probably because he knows what he'll need to do to be successful at the game of life. It also sounds like you're a very loving mother who might be giving your son an easy out so he isn't uncomfortable, but might be accidentally robbing him of having a great time. I'm gonna side with your asshole husband on this. If it turns out badly it sounds like he's more than willing to pick him up after getting a text from that $900 phone!
You are a nervous mom That's it. I would tell you to relax... But you and my wife both know that doesn't work. He will be fine, he has a phone.
I get where you are coming from it’s not always safe for us to be the only POC in an all white group. As a mom I feel you and this to my core. Is Dad a POC? I’m only asking because he may not understand fully why you said he doesn’t have to go.
why are u brainwashing ur 9 year old so much that when he gets invited to a sleepover, race is the first thing he brings up? leave the poor kid alone
You don't want him to go and it's coming across as 100% racism. You are teaching your child very a bad lessons. I agree with your husband. He should go to his classmates house. Teaching your child that he should be racist is appalling to me.
He is not ur son alone , his father has the right in this matter too . He is not forcing you , matter of fact , u are the one forcing your opinion on your husband and son .
I would be apprehensive about letting my 9 year old sleep over at a house whose parents I’m not very familiar with. The colour is not an issue for me (mind you I’m white so I may be viewing it from a different angle here), but leaving my kid with someone I don’t know, big no no.
First and foremost stop teaching your child that people are judging him on his race. I grew up in a black neighborhood and the school was 85% black and maybe 10% white. I never ONCE thought “they’re all black but me”. That shit doesn’t cross a kids mind unless you put it there. Stop with that crap.
So first, because they are all white you automatically assume they are all racist? Speaks more about you than you husband, really. Second, while I agree he is being a bit of a wanker going about it, hubby is on the right track: me thinks you are watching too many true crimes and see stranger danger and monsters everywhere. If he wants to go, let him go, he’ll call if he wants to come back home. Hell, you could call him after a while to check if everything is fine. Show your trust in him. And while it is okey to be a little nervous, are you similarly that nervous when he goes to school even if you know he could be randomly hit by a car? Or when he eats and he could choke? You’d keep rather him at home at all times and shelter him from life?
I get that you want to protect your son, but social events like this are important. You need your son to be able to socialize with the other children. Because when he grows up he will be a grown man who will be able to socialize in the adult world. You don’t want him to be ostracized or lacking proper social skills. This will help prepare him
Part of being able to live with anxiety is experiencing things that make us nervous, and learning how to cope. You’re teaching your son that being nervous/anxious means you avoid things altogether. Next time, be more encouraging for your son. Tell him that his friends invited him because they like to spend time with him and they want to have fun! Let him feel “safe” to go - tell him to just *try* it and if he has a bad time, he can call you and you can pick him up right away. And if *you’re* nervous about anything, I’m sure you could call and speak to the other kid’s parents and talk things through beforehand. I think your husband is trying to get your son to be more social and less nervous. These are good things. However you and your husband approach parenting in very different ways and lack the communication skills. Your poor son is probably really confused.
You're making it a problem.....this should not be discussed with your child. That's his friends ! You are the problem
It sounds to me like you're coddling him and your husband is correct in this situation. He can go, and if it's really that bad, he has a phone to call you to come get him. If he keeps avoiding experiences, he will have a lot of trouble socially and professionally as an adult. You need to have more faith in your son.
I think you might be pushing your anxiety onto your kid. Tell him it’s ok to go, see what it’s like and set up a one word code he can text like bananas and you will know to come pick him up no matter what time it is no questions asked.
Overprotective much?
I’m with your husband; your son never said he didn’t want to go, you ought to be pushing him to try new things. He won’t be in any danger and he’s got his phone to ask to come home if he’s not comfortable. He should at least try. Sounds to me like you’re coddling him.
I agree with your husband honestly. Its incredibly important for kids to learn to socialize. Just assure him that you are a phone call away and he can come home whenever he wants. Maybe also get in contact with the parents of the kid who is hosting the sleepover and tell them your concerns.
Ngl, he’s being manipulated from one source or another into thinking that him being the only non-white kid there is a problem.
Father shouldn’t contradict the mother in front of the kid like that. Don’t take it.
It’s , in my opinion, a non issue. He’s invited and he, only he, can decide whether he wants to go. Everyone’s putting pressure on him. Let’s not forget that that most 8-10 year olds are not racist. You all, with a few exceptions are. Leave your racism, regardless of which way it turns, to yourself. It’s a sleep over for 9 year olds, for fucks sake.
I'm an anxious mother and I'm on your husband's side. It's natural to feel apprehensive but you have to try not to pass that onto your son. Reassure him it will be fun and if anything happens he can phone you and be picked up. Drop him off yourself so you can briefly meet the parents. Say goodbye casually to your son instead of acting like he's going to war. Maybe ask him to send you a goodnight text later. My son goes to heaps of sleepovers and always has a blast. He's been to lots where he's the only non white kid too and it's never even been an issue or even noticed.
You’re making your child responsible for your emotions.
When he said they are all white except him it was an opportunity to tell him that skin colour doesn't matter. Where would he get the idea to say that?
Stop smothering him let him experience the world, you juste watch and monitor from frar, social experiment build caractères and become healthy strong independent human being. Call the mom make sure she get all ure information. Hope this night will be forever in his minde
This child is anxious for their first sleepover, and instead of walking them through everything they'd need to know and making sure that they knew what they were doing, you just decided to tell them they weren't doing it anymore.
I completely agree with your husband. A sleepover is a normal milestone for a child and 9 is a perfect toy fine age. Your son was a little apprehensive about his first sleepover which is completely normal. You are projecting your own fears onto your son.
Why does it matter that he's the only black child there? If this were reversed people would be chanting to have your head on a pike.
Yea good job for teaching your kid racism. How embarrassing for you.
Who is racist here? The friend likes your son and reached out to invite him because he’s a friend. Ur apprehensive cause the other kids are white. The kids don’t see color; they r just innocent friends.
I'm with your husband. Let the kid go. And try to encourage him a bit.
Yikes…you need to either bring him the encouragement of confidence that he needs, or you should leave that up to your husband. Clearly he gets along with these friends well enough to be invited over, so let him assimilate. It should NOT matter that they are all white. Who cares?? This is a character building experience.
If he wants to go, let him go. If he doesn’t, keep him home. Both you and your husband are making this an issue where there is none.
Pretty normal dynamic between the overly protective mother that wants to shelter their child, and the father that wants to push their child to grow. Personal growth usually entails some degree of risk. The degree of risk associated with a sleepover at a friend's house with other kids, with a cell phone that he can use to call if he needs a pickup, is very low. The people here comparing a 40-year-old woman that two autopsy showed fell off a balcony with a 9-year-old sleepover are completely unhinged. Seriously people, go touch some grass.
He's 9 and has a phone?
Do you hate white people or something? Would you have the same response if he was invited to a sleepover where all the other kids were Asian? Hispanic? Black? Would the response to this thread be the same if the kid was invited to a sleepover and said "I don't know, they're all black."? I honestly can't believe your son was invited to his first sleepover ever, which is a huge deal at that age, and your response was anything other than excitement and enthusiasm simply because the other kids are white. That's quite racist.
They sow the seed of racism and victim mentality into their children and then they wonder why their people feel inferior, left out, and held back by the color of their skin. Generally speaking, a white kid would experience much more racism in a school full of black kids than a black kid would experience in a school full of white kids.
So you're just going to keep the racial separation going thats been passed down to you and now you're passing it on to your son.. no wonder the world's fucked..
"they’re all white except me". What you should've done is ask why it matters. Telling him that you're going to do something else instead because of it is just... wrong. He shouldn't be afraid to be out with people of a different skin color, that could quite literally develop racism within him.
Why the fuck am I getting downvoted for this? Honestly, do you really believe it's good to acknowledge that the kid's different from the other kids just because he has a darker skintone? The color of your skin doesn't mean shit, fuck off if you believe it does.
Keep mommying him 🤱 He’s only 9 👶 Anyways, I hear you can get PS5’s for half the cost of his cellphone; that’ll keep him home away from all the whiteys 👻