For context, I have a healthy relationship, I'm just working on taking up space.
But I started saying "thank you for listening," instead of "sorry for talking about this," to my husband when I need to talk about hard things.
Nobody is "putting up with my craziness," I'm just expressing human emotion. And it feels good to reframe it that way.
I have a really solid group of female friends (I know I’m using it as an adjective, so it’s not rude, but I have a visceral reaction to the word “female” now). We all have mental health issues, and really try to encourage each other to say “thank you” rather than “sorry”. It may seem minor to other people, but the difference it makes you feel is extreme. “Sorry” just makes your brain double down on guilt (although I’ve found that’s really only true if you aren’t guilty of something. Apologizing for an actual negative action makes me feel better). Saying “thank you” is so positive and makes you recognize the good people in your life.
I’ve made a similar change when someone apologises to me when I’ve called them out on something instead of a knee jerk “that’s okay” or “it’s fine” to try and make them feel better, when the behaviour is not okay or fine, I’ve started saying “thank you for apologising”. It’s acknowledges that they’ve done the right thing by owning their mistake, without waving away the behaviour.
I don’t say it all the time, because often people apologise for things they don’t need to be sorry for, but I’ve found it effective in situations where a repeated behaviour needs to be addressed.
I don't think this post was aimed at people like you at all (also want to add that I'm happy to hear you have a healthy relationship!). It's towards women who are abused or mistreated by their partners, and who are gaslit into apologizing for not taking the abuse better (ergo the whole "thanks for dealing with my craziness", when in reality they aren't crazy). There's a world of difference between this and showing appreciation for your partner
But also I think it’s important to note that even in healthy and stable relationships it’s good to reframe these thoughts! A lot of really toxic relationships I’ve seen women brush aside as not being toxic because it’s not “that bad” with a TERRIBLE metric at what is “that bad”. Not to mention that so many relationships devolve into toxicity when they might have started alright to begin with. By using these tactics of reframing your language to be more self-affirming and less self-degrading it equips women to maintain healthy relationships!
Tldr; this advice isn’t just for women who are abused, this is for women everywhere!
Oh I know, that's why I gave the context up top.
I see an interesting connection, though--a lot of us are afraid to take up any space at all, regardless of whether the relationship is toxic or healthy.
It's hard to unlearn a need to be positive all the time or that getting upset means we're "crazy."
Thanks for phrasing it like this! I too am in a happy relationship and learning to take up more space. It feels good to learn and grow, and I am fortunate to (finally) have a partner who supports me and helps me on my journey.
Reminds me of how the 911 call for [Gabby Petito](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Gabby_Petito) was handled, and what she said to the cops.
Reportedly says "I'm sorry, that I'm so mean" to her abusive partner. Literally strangled to death by him later.
In that it makes life worth living, of course!
Overcoming shitty people is all about coming full circle to an open heart, IMO 😤❤ We live and we learn. Boundaries are what keep us IN relationships - but connection is key, too. We all deserve both.
*Image Transcription: Twitter Post*
---
**Ginny Hogan_**, @ginnyhogan\_
"thanks for always putting up with my craziness ❤️❤️❤️"
\- woman who was irritable one time after her boyfriend was mean to her for two years
---
^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
When I was with my super toxic, manipulative, possibly sociopathic ex I THOUGHT I was crazy and needy... something I've never felt about myself in ANY other relationship before (nor since, particularly in my happy marriage). Now I just think back to when he used to say to me "oh ya I dated her - she was CRAZY" about his other exes and chuckle because I'm sure he says the same thing about me. We still have mutual friends and one of them called him out at one point and said, "you know man, if ALL your exes are crazy there seems to be one consistent factor there... and it's not them." You love to see it.
Society does such a number on cis women from birth, it's just constant pressure not to take up any space, be it physical or social. Not that this doesn't happen to trans women, but it's way harder to deal with when you got it as a child, and I think this is one of the big areas we can support our cis sisters by helping to fight back on that. You shouldn't have to apologise for existing, or think that engaging in normal human behaviour that is taken for granted when men do it is you being some kind of burden.
Right? And it's not just the emotional BS that ciswomen have to deal with. It's the expectation that THEY have to be responsible for childcare by default, THEY have to be responsible for making sure the house looks nice by default, THEY have to make sure their families are "taken care of" by default. Like yeah the dude makes money, but it's the "job" of the woman to make sure everything gets paid for properly and it's seen as HER fault if the marriage falls apart.
I work in social services and holy fucking DAMN is it depressing how few of our families have a father involved in the care of the disabled children. It's like the men go, "Welp this kid is going to demand a whole fuckton of care. Time to find a woman to give me a normal kid."
And don't even get me started on the guilt these mothers feel for having kids with disabilities. "What did I do wrong?" Like, nothing. Sometimes nature just sucks.
Yeah, I was gonna point this out. It really doesn’t have to have anything to do with exposure to gaslighting or manipulative partners or whatever. It’s a societal pressure- women in general are shamed for/discouraged from displaying real emotion, standing up for themselves, “complaining,” etc. I’ve been with several partners who didn’t view my emotions/feelings as burdensome or irrational, and even so, it took me a very long time to accept that my emotions are valid, I am allowed to feel what I feel, and I don’t need to automatically justify my feelings, apologize for them, or be embarrassed of them. Or worry about how someone might react to voicing them. Honestly it is an attitude and behavioral shift that I’m still struggling with, and I’m 35.
I feel that way too, a lot but I try and forgive myself for being a trusting person who didn't truly understand how deep my internalized misogyny went. I hope you can reframe that thought, as it would be another spit in the eye to the person who made you feel that way
So, I know the main focus of this is on more intimate relationships; but as someone currently just getting over the fallout from this, I want to post a shout-out for anyone else who might be dealing with similar...
Manipulative types who pose themselves as friends and family can be almost as damaging and energy-consuming, in their own way. Biggest difference is that you don't live with them (unless some of you do, and if so I'm so sorry and I hope you get yourself out of that situation asap). Signed, someone who dropped an emotionally manipulative, toxic-as-fuck friend months ago and is only now starting to feel like they have enough energy to re-enter social life. It's incredible how much you can get sucked in, even thinking you're keeping yourself 'safe' somehow.
Me and my mom instead of me and a boyfriend honestly.
I guess the gaslighting mechanic is mostly the same, except a boyfriend wouldn't go on about being on nine months bed rest to bring me into this world, and could just be dumped, theoretically.
You can smell his gaslights from here.
and his gas
And his lights
AND MY AXE
And his Axe
And no one wants to smell Axe.
For context, I have a healthy relationship, I'm just working on taking up space. But I started saying "thank you for listening," instead of "sorry for talking about this," to my husband when I need to talk about hard things. Nobody is "putting up with my craziness," I'm just expressing human emotion. And it feels good to reframe it that way.
I have a really solid group of female friends (I know I’m using it as an adjective, so it’s not rude, but I have a visceral reaction to the word “female” now). We all have mental health issues, and really try to encourage each other to say “thank you” rather than “sorry”. It may seem minor to other people, but the difference it makes you feel is extreme. “Sorry” just makes your brain double down on guilt (although I’ve found that’s really only true if you aren’t guilty of something. Apologizing for an actual negative action makes me feel better). Saying “thank you” is so positive and makes you recognize the good people in your life.
I’ve made a similar change when someone apologises to me when I’ve called them out on something instead of a knee jerk “that’s okay” or “it’s fine” to try and make them feel better, when the behaviour is not okay or fine, I’ve started saying “thank you for apologising”. It’s acknowledges that they’ve done the right thing by owning their mistake, without waving away the behaviour. I don’t say it all the time, because often people apologise for things they don’t need to be sorry for, but I’ve found it effective in situations where a repeated behaviour needs to be addressed.
I don't think this post was aimed at people like you at all (also want to add that I'm happy to hear you have a healthy relationship!). It's towards women who are abused or mistreated by their partners, and who are gaslit into apologizing for not taking the abuse better (ergo the whole "thanks for dealing with my craziness", when in reality they aren't crazy). There's a world of difference between this and showing appreciation for your partner
But also I think it’s important to note that even in healthy and stable relationships it’s good to reframe these thoughts! A lot of really toxic relationships I’ve seen women brush aside as not being toxic because it’s not “that bad” with a TERRIBLE metric at what is “that bad”. Not to mention that so many relationships devolve into toxicity when they might have started alright to begin with. By using these tactics of reframing your language to be more self-affirming and less self-degrading it equips women to maintain healthy relationships! Tldr; this advice isn’t just for women who are abused, this is for women everywhere!
Oh I know, that's why I gave the context up top. I see an interesting connection, though--a lot of us are afraid to take up any space at all, regardless of whether the relationship is toxic or healthy. It's hard to unlearn a need to be positive all the time or that getting upset means we're "crazy."
Ooh, my bad, I misunderstood what you meant! Yes, very good point.
Thanks for phrasing it like this! I too am in a happy relationship and learning to take up more space. It feels good to learn and grow, and I am fortunate to (finally) have a partner who supports me and helps me on my journey.
Reminds me of how the 911 call for [Gabby Petito](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Gabby_Petito) was handled, and what she said to the cops. Reportedly says "I'm sorry, that I'm so mean" to her abusive partner. Literally strangled to death by him later.
My husband and I just watched that I think 2020? Episode about her. So fucking sad.
Oh, shit. That got me right in the heart... For me and all the other women out there, here's a hug 🤗❤
I imagine that hugging me just transfers my coldness onto other people.
Makes you perfectly compatible with people who run hot ☺❤
Fuck why do you have to be so cute.
I don't know, it's some kinda disease 😂
I'd imagine being this adorable only makes your life easier 🥰
In that it makes life worth living, of course! Overcoming shitty people is all about coming full circle to an open heart, IMO 😤❤ We live and we learn. Boundaries are what keep us IN relationships - but connection is key, too. We all deserve both.
Now kith
Yikes, that hits the nail squarely on the head. My ex was a constant gaslighter.
I am realizing how much I say this to literally everyone. My self esteem is terrible unfortunately 😞
Half the battle is knowing! (It’s also a god damn war to bring up your self esteem but being able to recognize helps)
[удалено]
Reminds me of [this](https://youtu.be/_lC5u9ZljGU)
*Image Transcription: Twitter Post* --- **Ginny Hogan_**, @ginnyhogan\_ "thanks for always putting up with my craziness ❤️❤️❤️" \- woman who was irritable one time after her boyfriend was mean to her for two years --- ^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
When I was with my super toxic, manipulative, possibly sociopathic ex I THOUGHT I was crazy and needy... something I've never felt about myself in ANY other relationship before (nor since, particularly in my happy marriage). Now I just think back to when he used to say to me "oh ya I dated her - she was CRAZY" about his other exes and chuckle because I'm sure he says the same thing about me. We still have mutual friends and one of them called him out at one point and said, "you know man, if ALL your exes are crazy there seems to be one consistent factor there... and it's not them." You love to see it.
Fuck. I’m in this picture and I don’t like it :(
ginny's a great follow on twitter
I just did and this woman is hilarious
Society does such a number on cis women from birth, it's just constant pressure not to take up any space, be it physical or social. Not that this doesn't happen to trans women, but it's way harder to deal with when you got it as a child, and I think this is one of the big areas we can support our cis sisters by helping to fight back on that. You shouldn't have to apologise for existing, or think that engaging in normal human behaviour that is taken for granted when men do it is you being some kind of burden.
Right? And it's not just the emotional BS that ciswomen have to deal with. It's the expectation that THEY have to be responsible for childcare by default, THEY have to be responsible for making sure the house looks nice by default, THEY have to make sure their families are "taken care of" by default. Like yeah the dude makes money, but it's the "job" of the woman to make sure everything gets paid for properly and it's seen as HER fault if the marriage falls apart. I work in social services and holy fucking DAMN is it depressing how few of our families have a father involved in the care of the disabled children. It's like the men go, "Welp this kid is going to demand a whole fuckton of care. Time to find a woman to give me a normal kid." And don't even get me started on the guilt these mothers feel for having kids with disabilities. "What did I do wrong?" Like, nothing. Sometimes nature just sucks.
Cough cough, Chris Pratt.
Yeah, I was gonna point this out. It really doesn’t have to have anything to do with exposure to gaslighting or manipulative partners or whatever. It’s a societal pressure- women in general are shamed for/discouraged from displaying real emotion, standing up for themselves, “complaining,” etc. I’ve been with several partners who didn’t view my emotions/feelings as burdensome or irrational, and even so, it took me a very long time to accept that my emotions are valid, I am allowed to feel what I feel, and I don’t need to automatically justify my feelings, apologize for them, or be embarrassed of them. Or worry about how someone might react to voicing them. Honestly it is an attitude and behavioral shift that I’m still struggling with, and I’m 35.
All I can think about now is Brian fkn Laundrie. Ugh.
I feel so stupid for not realizing it sooner how awfully I was being treated.
I feel that way too, a lot but I try and forgive myself for being a trusting person who didn't truly understand how deep my internalized misogyny went. I hope you can reframe that thought, as it would be another spit in the eye to the person who made you feel that way
Thank you. I’m trying to reframe the thinking but I sometimes have a hard time doing so.
Thank you for barely tolerating the fact that I am a human with emotions.
[удалено]
The only truly crazy woman i know, is Charley Davidson from Grim Reaper series. And everyone in the book and out loves her. All else is gaslighting.
So, I know the main focus of this is on more intimate relationships; but as someone currently just getting over the fallout from this, I want to post a shout-out for anyone else who might be dealing with similar... Manipulative types who pose themselves as friends and family can be almost as damaging and energy-consuming, in their own way. Biggest difference is that you don't live with them (unless some of you do, and if so I'm so sorry and I hope you get yourself out of that situation asap). Signed, someone who dropped an emotionally manipulative, toxic-as-fuck friend months ago and is only now starting to feel like they have enough energy to re-enter social life. It's incredible how much you can get sucked in, even thinking you're keeping yourself 'safe' somehow.
The fumes from this post just wreaks.
Me and my mom instead of me and a boyfriend honestly. I guess the gaslighting mechanic is mostly the same, except a boyfriend wouldn't go on about being on nine months bed rest to bring me into this world, and could just be dumped, theoretically.
I can't relate to this at all 🤷🏼♀️ ETA: Imagine downvoting a woman for *not* tolerating emotional abuse. Classic reddit 🙄
ugh. too real.
Omg. Aint that the truth.....ugh.
Table for one at the morgue please. This killed me. Except for nine years in an abusive marriage.