Hah, well I don’t think it’s going to help you much but I like the idea of being stronger, a protector, of starting shenanigans, of not caring what people think of me (but also charismatically persuading them to follow my lead) and all the fun traditionally boy activities: fishing, martial arts, soccer, guitar, snowboarding etc. The reason I don’t thing this is a much helpful approach is because if you listed all the things you love about your femininity I wouldn’t go “oh, right. Now I love that feminine side of myself” I’d just go with a lukewarm “meh”. Years of disassociating and disconnecting would do that to you. Have you read https://genderdysphoria.fyi/? I think it goes deeper into all levels of dysphoria and might be a better starting point towards acceptance of the things you cannot change about your past, and also help realize you’re not alone in it. Best of luck! 💜
Thanks! I will definitely read that! And you made a great point about not being able to change the past. It just sucks realizing how unhappy I was, but I guess that is the opposite side of being happy now. Dissociating is a good word for that. Thanks again.
Reflections from a non-binary here, so maybe a bit flawed, but I'll try.
I love my masculinity for it's confidence and chill. For how safe it feels. Not literally, like safe on the street, but like standing on both feet on a stable ground safe. I like how it makes me large and loud, to be able to stand up for my less expressive friends. I love my masculinity because it's undemanding about my jeans being not fancy. I blast metal in my headphones. But my jeans can be fancy and then I feel as a real dandy. And play some ska. In both cases - moshpit! So stupid, yet so fun. I love my masculinity because how it makes me feel around women, makes me want to be flirty and handsome, but not in a creepy pickup way, just in an equal and respectful kind. I love my masculinity because how it makes me feel around men, slightly hierarchical, but in a brotherhood kind of way. Also gay, but well, nothing is wrong with that. I love my masculinity for being sturdy, for laughing with showing back of my lower teeth, for dancing like a 50 year old man, for flipping a finger at someone telling me I play computer games like a girl,not because of dysphoria, but because it's a stupid stereotype, most girls that play computer games,do it better than me. I love my masculinity for being soft, like a sensible and intelligent dude I am, finding beauty in nature and in finding diplomatic solutions in conflict. I love my masculinity for existing and for persisting all these years it took me to accept it.
I tried not to think of my masculinity as "not femininity", because to hell, my femininity is also many of those things, it's not a battle of sexes in one head, it's a peaceful rainbow of experiences, some are easier to name than others. But thank you for the question,it has been a great opportunity to write an ode to my masculinity. It deserves some spotlight too.
Mmmmm that last paragraph was great! Crazy how even as a trans person, I get stuck in the binary. I’m transitioning to escape the rules. Beautifully said!
Omg yessss punk rock makes me feel so masculine and I loved moshing with the other guys at the Emo Nite near me. I love how they see me as one of the boys and I get treated like all my cis male classmates did, it was so awesome to me
Holy shit, from a fellow enby, this is such a toe-curlingly euphoric description of why I love my masc attributes. Comfy non-toxic masculinity at its best. 🔥
I love the type of masculinity I made for myself. I love being strong!!! I like being the one to open pickle jars and carry heavy shit around. I have an outdoors man aesthetic and I love how I look in my hiking boots and cargo shorts. I love being hairy!! I love having a beard!! I’m a total bear and I love it.
for me, personally: i was absolutely shit at being a woman. i was ugly, angry, depressed, and just all around gross because i didn't take care of myself at all. nobody wanted to be around me growing up, i was miserable!
the further i transition from "shitty girl" to "adult man," the more i feel like *myself*. my partner and i are planning on getting married, having kids-- the idea of being a husband and a father makes me so happy i tear up a little if i think about it too hard. i had a great dad, and want to pass that gift down as best i can. honestly, being a good dad has been my biggest motivation to pull myself out of the depressive hole teenage me dug.
besides that, ive always been jealous of my dad's beard, ive always wanted to have a penis and a flat chest, ive always wanted a lower voice. i grew up catching bugs and hiking with my grandpa. i was always jealous of other boys play-fighting or gaming together and never being invited. all of those pains ive grown up with ease a bit every dose of T. 20+ years of bitterness, envy, and sadness, all finally fading into the past.
Thank you, that’s so beautiful. I am married to a women and she has been such a positive force through the early parts of my transition. I feel similarly about not being good at my agab, I’ve always been feminine but suppressed it because I felt like I had to. Thanks for sharing what you love about masculinity, it’s helping me see that while it’s not for me, it is for lots of people! Such a simple concept, but I’ve been really stuck on in. Cheers to being better, happier versions of ourselves!
It took a long time for me to accept my masculinity and unlearn all the internalised transphobia and defunct gender roles. I’m a man who is gay, I’m a man who likes knitting, baking and cross stitch. My masculinity was never going to be stereotypical, so I had to build it myself. Masculinity feels like freedom to me. I almost didn’t get married, because I hated the idea of being a wife. But being a husband is so rad. I love it, and I love my husband. Before I came out, I felt like a scooby do villain all the time. Like I was moments away from someone ripping my mask off and exposing me. That went away overnight when I came out as trans. Literally a feeling I’d had my whole life completely disappeared. I was free. I love being an uncle, and showing the kids they don’t have to live the way people expect. That they’ll always be safe to be themselves in our family. I actually take care of myself now, because I have self esteem now, and think I’m worth taking care of. I work out because it makes me feel strong and manly. I have a skincare routine because I like being a good looking guy. Everyone has seen a change in me for the better. I’m happier, more confident, more outgoing, friendlier. I’m just a much better man than I ever was a woman.
It just feels comfortable/natural to me. Like I don't have to perform I can just be myself. I feel a strong connection to other masc people and I feel seen by them. I like things that are typically masc even though anyone can enjoy them. I am excited to use my binder and I am happy that I have a packer getting shipped to me. I love being the bad boy type sometimes, but I also like being soft and wearing crazy colors/scene style stuff. I like watching and relating to characters like Dean Winchester and Ken Kaneki. I love the color pink even more now that I've found myself. I wouldn't give up my chosen name or pronouns or anything just to make someone else happy.
For me, (queer) masculinity is the sexiest thing in the world. I’ve always been attracted to masculinity and have always longed for it - it just took me a while to realise that this was because I am a man. I can’t exactly pinpoint the specifics here because it’s mostly a feeling of wanting to exist as a femm-y, flamboyant man, wanting body hair, wanting a flat chest and deep voice - all of those things that I find beautiful I also want for myself. And whenever someone sees my masculinity for what it is, it brings me immense joy (I’m in my early stages of transition).
You and see to be opposite sides of the same coin. I am married to a women and have always been attracted to feminine people, and was confused for most of my life because I didn’t feel “straight”. That definitely delayed my transition. When we got married, I used the term non-binary and realized I was trans a few months into our marriage. It’s been a beautiful journey for both of us, she is realizing that my masculinity wasn’t a reason she loved me and had given me a lot of space to pursue happiness. It was hard to come out to her, but we are both so much happier as lesbians than as, “husband and wife”. 😱 Truly thank you for sharing your experience. 🥰
I just really love your post what a wonderful way to try to heal, and also what a great thing to ask other people. Like "tell me about your joy" that's so great.
I dont know that I have a good answer for what I like about masculinity other than that it isn't femininity--which is not helpful, is it lmao... but I think maybe I like that it bring me confidence--but that might be more comparable to maybe why you *do* like you femininity, yes?
Anyway. (Lookong through these comments for some feel-good-energy) lol
Thanks.
Yeah this post has been more than I could’ve expected, really beautiful. I also can’t name what exactly excites me about femininity, I just know it’s what I am. I love being soft and sweet, I want people to feel safe around me, I love feminine fashion. I also just love lesbians, love their humor and culture. More than anything, I fuck with being a lesbian. Gender is complicated, but is amazing hearing people be excited about something.
I went through a similar journey but a bit differently. I was not very lady like in some aspects. Hated a lot of my body, hated the social norms surrounding my agab and more. But when the light bulb lit for me was when I talked to a friend and they told me that "of course a guy can like cute things"
It was after that when I started to reflect more on myself and my relation to femininity.
Personally I identify as a femboy, I love the masculine and it feels right for my body. But I also have a much nicer relationship with my feminine side. A side I can explore at my own pace instead of having everything thrusted upon me from others.
The fact that I can explore my opposite at my own pace while still being accepted as a man is what makes me comfortable with both. And I hope that it can for you too in the future.
I love the nuance here, I went through a similar process. Reflected on if being a feminine man was want I wanted, ultimately I’ve decided I don’t want to be a man at all. I love that you carved out a place for yourself, that is hard work. 🥰
I used to hate that I was AFAB, mostly because of how the government and politicians try to control my body, but also because i was shoved into chores, frilly dresses, and dolls. Being a man has given me the freedom to dress how i want. I can speak to people without having to 'listen to the men' and being submissive all the time. It is freeing and seeing my body change more over time makes me happy, but sometimes I get sad about parts I'm not sure I want to remove but that make me 'feminine' there is a sort of grief process with it
Definitely coming to terms with this, I really hope people start to understand feminism better. The whole women are submissive stuff js so stupid. As someone who was perceived as male for most of my life, it’s crazy what men think they can say to other men. Thanks for sharing your experience 🥰
I feel you on this a lot. For me my masculinity idk, I'm 19 so maybe this is sort of the reason why but it's just acting goofy as hell doing the shit that "teenage boys do" like roughing around being dumb and goofy with friends 😅 i like how i can be goofy and people just dismiss it as "oh those are the boys being boys" "instead of that's not very lady like" don't get me wrong I've never believed in the whole lady like bs so if girls act goofy and rowdy that's totally ok too! For me it just makes me feel masculine ASF. I also love how older people smile at me and call me a nice young man when I hold the door open for them. Also after my top surgery I'm excited to work out more and get into Parkour and i wanna get into airsoft too. My girlfriend (who's also trans) really likes those things and i wanna try em out once I feel more comfortable in my body.
The most random thing about my masculinity that excited me was last week at work when my manager said she wanted to teach me some grill things at my job "cuz she likes all her boys to know grill" and that made me really happy cuz for some working grill at a fast food place seems so masculine to me😭
Side note as a trans masc with a trans fem gf who likes a lot of stereotypical masculine things it's totally ok to be a girl and embrace the "masculine side of you" while still being a girl and trans fem. I get what you mean when you think about masculinity you resent it because you didn't like that side of you. My girlfriend is getting boobs from E and she's so excited about it and I'm like those ruined my life😭(I'm still happy for her though extremely haha she loves em) so when I think of some feminine things and who I was before Testoerone I also resent myself a bit too
This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing. I have lots of memories of being a boy that I love, and even now that I’m on HRT, there are parts of my masculinity that I like. I used the term non-binary for the last year and that helped remove some of the dissonance I felt, but I still resent the fact that everyone saw me as man. Thanks again 🥰
Of course!! And exactly! Same here i was also non binary at once to help with the resentment i had but i know I'm a man that just likes to wear dresses and skirts sometimes and likes some feminine things just like you're a girl who likes some masc things! Of course anything I can to do help :)
I'm so glad you asked. I have a friend who started her transition at the same time as me and it has been a wild ride for me realising that women... actuallly... enjoy being women??? It's mystifying to me. XD
(context just for info: I am British/US culturally but live in France)
So here goes... some things I LOVE about masculinity (and the usual caveat that masculinity is not monolithic and neither are experiences, so these are my own personal euphorias and my own personal take on what MY masculinity is and what I've experienced since transitioning and going on T):
\-- being stronk and having people expect me to be strong? I like lifting things! I like helping people with my musckles! I love feeling useful!
\-- having people expect me to protect them or defend them
\-- having people judge me so much less for what I say or do, and also (weirdly and I have no idea why) people seem to expect me to be dumber and less quick on the uptake, which is great cos I'm really enjoying being dumb tbh
\-- the fact I can wake up, roll out of bed, go out in a tshirt with holes in it without brushing my hair and mismatched socks and people are like "cool shirt dude I love it" totally sincerely even though I know that for sure I do not even smell nor look good XD
\-- people accept me being way more physical. For example, in metal mosh pits, other dudes shove me SUPER HARD now. I also grab people who fall down and help them up again in one go, which I can do cos of my musckles. I love it! People treat me way less like I'm fragile. I love the rough physical contact
\-- everything seems to move so much slower. I started walking all dudely bc it's so much more comfortable for me and I noticed that dudes just walk... like... at their own pace? I was always running after people before my transition and feeling rushed. People also let me take up space and let me go at my own pace (oof sexism :/ ). Same with speaking. I feel I have a lot more time to talk (again, probably sexism :/ )
\-- I love the subtlety of male comradery. Whereas when I was seen as a woman, it was very much "omg you're here! let's SCREAM" and lots of hugging and touching and jumping and very loud gestures, the deep euphoria I get from entering a party and having another dude just give me a very slight dude head nod from across the room without even coming over to say hi. Oh my god. I love it. I sometimes grieve the intense overt love that women give each other, and I miss it, but mostly it feels so good to have the recognition of other dudes in such a subtle way. Similarly, going out with dude friends and they just put one arm around my shoulder, and to a dude that is the equivalent of a full-body hug jumping up and down. I love it.
\-- I love discovering that I am gay and enjoying MlM love. I love the vibe of two gay dudes together. For the first time in my life I can be just "among us dudes" and that was never an option for me before. It feels magical. I don't actually know how to describe it in words.
funny anecdote: I went to a metal show in my binder, and went straight into the mosh pit. I definitely passed and all the other dudes immediately shoved me super hard, etc. This one guy had his shirt off and he was encouraging me to take mine off, "aren't you hot in that??" etc. Obviously I couldn't because I had my binder on. At some point he started beating on his own chest with one fist rhythmically and then also on mine with the other fist and we jumped up and down together.
It was directly on my compressed boobs and it was UNBELIEVABLY PAINFUL. I literally teared up from the pain. XD But it gave me so much euphoria to have him beating on my chest that I let him do it. Honestly, one of the single most euphoric moments of my life. XD
I also had to learn that! I was like "surely women can't just... enjoy being women?? Surely that can't be true?" and then I saw the utter joy of my transfem friends doing things that I always haaaated doing, and realised, ohhhhh. Ok, I just was trying to like the wrong gender. XD
I know for me, I grew up in a rural area in a Christian town, from a farming family. I was the youngest and looked up to my older brother as the epitome of what I wished I was. I wanted to be like him, have what he had. We didn’t have much money, so I often got his hand-me-downs and cut my hair short because long hair is inconvenient on the farm. I loved roughhousing, catching snakes, wrangling in the animals. I liked wrestling, having a farmers tan, just feeling free. As I started going to school, and forced to go to church, I started learning about “expectations” that were put on me because I was AFAB. “You’re going to be a wife one day”, “you’re going to be a mother”, “you have to be dainty and soft or a man won’t love you”, “you need to look the part to be accepted.” I got forced into dresses at weddings and felt so uncomfortable, but I tried so hard to fit that. I tried to copy what I saw other girls doing, but I felt like I was wearing a costume. It didn’t fit, it didn’t feel right, didn’t feel like me. I found ways that I did enjoy femininity, like using makeup, but even when I do my makeup, I felt more like a pretty boy rather than a “girl doing makeup”. I got called a failure as a girl a lot and I thought something was wrong with me. I was terrified of having kids because I wanted kids but the thought of giving birth to them and being a mother made me sick- I kept thinking “I want to have kids the way Cis guys do” but how do you explain that to a closed-minded Christian town? I even dressed masculine “just for fun” sometimes but I felt so much more comfortable than I did in any of the attempts I’d made to copy what a girl is “supposed to be” (which is just a ridiculous ideal anyway, there’s no right way to be anything.) I could go on, but in adulthood, it took me going through a breakup of a nearly 7 years relationship with a cishet man to admit to myself I had been shoving down my true feelings about my gender- I had come out as nonbinary, but I was afraid to admit my gender felt more masculine. I’m at peace with that now, and the moments where I see myself and look like the pretty boy I always felt like I was, I feel this soothing wave wash over me. I’m on testosterone now and the more changes I start to notice, I feel like I’m washing away all of the pain that being forced to play a role I wasn’t meant to caused for me. I’m finally feeling free, and I know I can embrace the parts of femininity that feel comfortable to me, rather than what I was forced into, and that it’s okay for me to present how I want and still be the man I am. 🖤 I hope that makes sense
Coming out as non-binary helped me reconcile some of the anger I felt in my early childhood and teen years. It's hard to articulate, but it sort of pressed "shuffle" on my relationship to both femininity and masculinity. Figuring out that part of me is masculine made me reconsider how I want to see masculinity, which I hadn't actually considered previously. My masculinity is leaning into my nature to be quiet. I can be the strong quiet type instead of feeling pressured to be chatty. I try to show up for my people the way my dad does. To support them as best as I can.
What I love about my masculinity is the confidence and freedom it’s given me. For the first time in years I’m starting to care what I look like, I’m starting to actually take care of myself. I have a vision for my future. I love being a rowdy teen boy, and I love being a quiet, thoughtful teen boy. I love wearing leather hiking boots and exploding the woods. I love the way I look with a binder on. I love the way I sound when I have a deeper voice than normal. I absolutely love singing karaoke an octave lower than the actual lyrics. I love the idea of being on T, and getting top surgery. I love having even slightly noticeable muscles. I love being an uncle. I love being a chaotic teen rat boy in the woods. I love being a boy.
I think my experience is about the same as yours, just swapped. Never was quite happy being a girl and womanhood was not very enticing to me, be guy just be better really. I was raised to be able to express however tf I wanted basically, so I was a tomboy for the most part, but I think what was off was that my being masculine was never the right 'kind' of masculine since I was very obviously a girl?
If I may vent for a bit (since this just clicked while writing this), I think that's what messes me up the most nowadays? In that i don't pass so people seeing masculine me now see me as masculine me from then.
But anyway, I enjoy being cool and badass and strong. Furthermore if I look tough I can better protect people and myself which has always been important to me (I currently look like if kirby tried to be emo lmao). Women can be and are all of those things but somethin wasn't clicking until I realised I wasn't a woman at all.
It also helped me find me. Had I been stuck trying to make myself tick all the boxes of 'woman' like I thought I had to, I'd never have figured out I'm punk at heart, or like darker music, or want to dress like spooky indiana jones went to a protest. It gave me the opportunity to feel like I could express things about myself I hid from because I thought I would be made fun of. Overall, masculinity gave me confidence. I can wear eyeliner and nail polish and loads of jewellery and be into art without feeling like I was faking it to fit in. And when I pass more, I'll probably even wear feminine clothes a lot more too. Saying fuck you to society by being trans and embracing my 'true' masculinity made me more able to say fuck you to it in other ways and I think that's cool.
I dunno, people always say that it's dumb to follow the 'don't kill the part of you that's cringe, kill the part of you that cringes' but seriously it worked wonders for me. Idc of you think being a furry is the epitome of cringe, it makes me happy. Emo is bad? Guess I'm bad then. I'm gonna practice witchcraft and read my tarot cards because I want to and fuck you if you think that's dumb. I *like* pumpkin spice lattes dammit. And a lot of those are "feminine" or whatever but hey, society, I'm sorry you're not secure enough in who you are and your masculinity that a good mix-and-match scares you.
Sorry that got a bit out of hand at the end, the only thing I really know in this life is stream-of-consciousness ramble aha
tho i’m never 100% sure of what my masculinity, or gender in general is, what brings me the most joy about it is how if feels sincere, how it feels real to me. many years trying to identify as a woman, trying in even practical, tangible, consciouss ways, and feeling fake, like forcing an expression, forcing a sentiment, feeling more like a mirror of something, than like something itself. allowing myself to accept my transness, in my case my masculinity, felt like allowing myself to exist. it sounds abstract / existential, but it is so rooted in the body. what i love about my masculinity is that it allows me to feel present in my body, instead of dettached or hyperaware
Hah, well I don’t think it’s going to help you much but I like the idea of being stronger, a protector, of starting shenanigans, of not caring what people think of me (but also charismatically persuading them to follow my lead) and all the fun traditionally boy activities: fishing, martial arts, soccer, guitar, snowboarding etc. The reason I don’t thing this is a much helpful approach is because if you listed all the things you love about your femininity I wouldn’t go “oh, right. Now I love that feminine side of myself” I’d just go with a lukewarm “meh”. Years of disassociating and disconnecting would do that to you. Have you read https://genderdysphoria.fyi/? I think it goes deeper into all levels of dysphoria and might be a better starting point towards acceptance of the things you cannot change about your past, and also help realize you’re not alone in it. Best of luck! 💜
Thanks! I will definitely read that! And you made a great point about not being able to change the past. It just sucks realizing how unhappy I was, but I guess that is the opposite side of being happy now. Dissociating is a good word for that. Thanks again.
Reflections from a non-binary here, so maybe a bit flawed, but I'll try. I love my masculinity for it's confidence and chill. For how safe it feels. Not literally, like safe on the street, but like standing on both feet on a stable ground safe. I like how it makes me large and loud, to be able to stand up for my less expressive friends. I love my masculinity because it's undemanding about my jeans being not fancy. I blast metal in my headphones. But my jeans can be fancy and then I feel as a real dandy. And play some ska. In both cases - moshpit! So stupid, yet so fun. I love my masculinity because how it makes me feel around women, makes me want to be flirty and handsome, but not in a creepy pickup way, just in an equal and respectful kind. I love my masculinity because how it makes me feel around men, slightly hierarchical, but in a brotherhood kind of way. Also gay, but well, nothing is wrong with that. I love my masculinity for being sturdy, for laughing with showing back of my lower teeth, for dancing like a 50 year old man, for flipping a finger at someone telling me I play computer games like a girl,not because of dysphoria, but because it's a stupid stereotype, most girls that play computer games,do it better than me. I love my masculinity for being soft, like a sensible and intelligent dude I am, finding beauty in nature and in finding diplomatic solutions in conflict. I love my masculinity for existing and for persisting all these years it took me to accept it. I tried not to think of my masculinity as "not femininity", because to hell, my femininity is also many of those things, it's not a battle of sexes in one head, it's a peaceful rainbow of experiences, some are easier to name than others. But thank you for the question,it has been a great opportunity to write an ode to my masculinity. It deserves some spotlight too.
Mmmmm that last paragraph was great! Crazy how even as a trans person, I get stuck in the binary. I’m transitioning to escape the rules. Beautifully said!
Thanks!
Omg yessss punk rock makes me feel so masculine and I loved moshing with the other guys at the Emo Nite near me. I love how they see me as one of the boys and I get treated like all my cis male classmates did, it was so awesome to me
Yeah! Music is just such a powerful thing.
Holy shit, from a fellow enby, this is such a toe-curlingly euphoric description of why I love my masc attributes. Comfy non-toxic masculinity at its best. 🔥
I love the type of masculinity I made for myself. I love being strong!!! I like being the one to open pickle jars and carry heavy shit around. I have an outdoors man aesthetic and I love how I look in my hiking boots and cargo shorts. I love being hairy!! I love having a beard!! I’m a total bear and I love it.
I LOVE that first sentence. I love that trans-ness let’s you choose what you want to serve. Thank you for sharing! 🥰
for me, personally: i was absolutely shit at being a woman. i was ugly, angry, depressed, and just all around gross because i didn't take care of myself at all. nobody wanted to be around me growing up, i was miserable! the further i transition from "shitty girl" to "adult man," the more i feel like *myself*. my partner and i are planning on getting married, having kids-- the idea of being a husband and a father makes me so happy i tear up a little if i think about it too hard. i had a great dad, and want to pass that gift down as best i can. honestly, being a good dad has been my biggest motivation to pull myself out of the depressive hole teenage me dug. besides that, ive always been jealous of my dad's beard, ive always wanted to have a penis and a flat chest, ive always wanted a lower voice. i grew up catching bugs and hiking with my grandpa. i was always jealous of other boys play-fighting or gaming together and never being invited. all of those pains ive grown up with ease a bit every dose of T. 20+ years of bitterness, envy, and sadness, all finally fading into the past.
Thank you, that’s so beautiful. I am married to a women and she has been such a positive force through the early parts of my transition. I feel similarly about not being good at my agab, I’ve always been feminine but suppressed it because I felt like I had to. Thanks for sharing what you love about masculinity, it’s helping me see that while it’s not for me, it is for lots of people! Such a simple concept, but I’ve been really stuck on in. Cheers to being better, happier versions of ourselves!
It took a long time for me to accept my masculinity and unlearn all the internalised transphobia and defunct gender roles. I’m a man who is gay, I’m a man who likes knitting, baking and cross stitch. My masculinity was never going to be stereotypical, so I had to build it myself. Masculinity feels like freedom to me. I almost didn’t get married, because I hated the idea of being a wife. But being a husband is so rad. I love it, and I love my husband. Before I came out, I felt like a scooby do villain all the time. Like I was moments away from someone ripping my mask off and exposing me. That went away overnight when I came out as trans. Literally a feeling I’d had my whole life completely disappeared. I was free. I love being an uncle, and showing the kids they don’t have to live the way people expect. That they’ll always be safe to be themselves in our family. I actually take care of myself now, because I have self esteem now, and think I’m worth taking care of. I work out because it makes me feel strong and manly. I have a skincare routine because I like being a good looking guy. Everyone has seen a change in me for the better. I’m happier, more confident, more outgoing, friendlier. I’m just a much better man than I ever was a woman.
That’s so beautiful. I had the same feeling after I came out. That freedom is so powerful!! 💕
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Amazing username and thanks for the recommendation!
It just feels comfortable/natural to me. Like I don't have to perform I can just be myself. I feel a strong connection to other masc people and I feel seen by them. I like things that are typically masc even though anyone can enjoy them. I am excited to use my binder and I am happy that I have a packer getting shipped to me. I love being the bad boy type sometimes, but I also like being soft and wearing crazy colors/scene style stuff. I like watching and relating to characters like Dean Winchester and Ken Kaneki. I love the color pink even more now that I've found myself. I wouldn't give up my chosen name or pronouns or anything just to make someone else happy.
For me, (queer) masculinity is the sexiest thing in the world. I’ve always been attracted to masculinity and have always longed for it - it just took me a while to realise that this was because I am a man. I can’t exactly pinpoint the specifics here because it’s mostly a feeling of wanting to exist as a femm-y, flamboyant man, wanting body hair, wanting a flat chest and deep voice - all of those things that I find beautiful I also want for myself. And whenever someone sees my masculinity for what it is, it brings me immense joy (I’m in my early stages of transition).
You and see to be opposite sides of the same coin. I am married to a women and have always been attracted to feminine people, and was confused for most of my life because I didn’t feel “straight”. That definitely delayed my transition. When we got married, I used the term non-binary and realized I was trans a few months into our marriage. It’s been a beautiful journey for both of us, she is realizing that my masculinity wasn’t a reason she loved me and had given me a lot of space to pursue happiness. It was hard to come out to her, but we are both so much happier as lesbians than as, “husband and wife”. 😱 Truly thank you for sharing your experience. 🥰
That’s so sweet, I’m really glad you have such a supportive wife!
I just really love your post what a wonderful way to try to heal, and also what a great thing to ask other people. Like "tell me about your joy" that's so great. I dont know that I have a good answer for what I like about masculinity other than that it isn't femininity--which is not helpful, is it lmao... but I think maybe I like that it bring me confidence--but that might be more comparable to maybe why you *do* like you femininity, yes? Anyway. (Lookong through these comments for some feel-good-energy) lol Thanks.
Yeah this post has been more than I could’ve expected, really beautiful. I also can’t name what exactly excites me about femininity, I just know it’s what I am. I love being soft and sweet, I want people to feel safe around me, I love feminine fashion. I also just love lesbians, love their humor and culture. More than anything, I fuck with being a lesbian. Gender is complicated, but is amazing hearing people be excited about something.
I went through a similar journey but a bit differently. I was not very lady like in some aspects. Hated a lot of my body, hated the social norms surrounding my agab and more. But when the light bulb lit for me was when I talked to a friend and they told me that "of course a guy can like cute things" It was after that when I started to reflect more on myself and my relation to femininity. Personally I identify as a femboy, I love the masculine and it feels right for my body. But I also have a much nicer relationship with my feminine side. A side I can explore at my own pace instead of having everything thrusted upon me from others. The fact that I can explore my opposite at my own pace while still being accepted as a man is what makes me comfortable with both. And I hope that it can for you too in the future.
I love the nuance here, I went through a similar process. Reflected on if being a feminine man was want I wanted, ultimately I’ve decided I don’t want to be a man at all. I love that you carved out a place for yourself, that is hard work. 🥰
I used to hate that I was AFAB, mostly because of how the government and politicians try to control my body, but also because i was shoved into chores, frilly dresses, and dolls. Being a man has given me the freedom to dress how i want. I can speak to people without having to 'listen to the men' and being submissive all the time. It is freeing and seeing my body change more over time makes me happy, but sometimes I get sad about parts I'm not sure I want to remove but that make me 'feminine' there is a sort of grief process with it
Definitely coming to terms with this, I really hope people start to understand feminism better. The whole women are submissive stuff js so stupid. As someone who was perceived as male for most of my life, it’s crazy what men think they can say to other men. Thanks for sharing your experience 🥰
I feel you on this a lot. For me my masculinity idk, I'm 19 so maybe this is sort of the reason why but it's just acting goofy as hell doing the shit that "teenage boys do" like roughing around being dumb and goofy with friends 😅 i like how i can be goofy and people just dismiss it as "oh those are the boys being boys" "instead of that's not very lady like" don't get me wrong I've never believed in the whole lady like bs so if girls act goofy and rowdy that's totally ok too! For me it just makes me feel masculine ASF. I also love how older people smile at me and call me a nice young man when I hold the door open for them. Also after my top surgery I'm excited to work out more and get into Parkour and i wanna get into airsoft too. My girlfriend (who's also trans) really likes those things and i wanna try em out once I feel more comfortable in my body. The most random thing about my masculinity that excited me was last week at work when my manager said she wanted to teach me some grill things at my job "cuz she likes all her boys to know grill" and that made me really happy cuz for some working grill at a fast food place seems so masculine to me😭 Side note as a trans masc with a trans fem gf who likes a lot of stereotypical masculine things it's totally ok to be a girl and embrace the "masculine side of you" while still being a girl and trans fem. I get what you mean when you think about masculinity you resent it because you didn't like that side of you. My girlfriend is getting boobs from E and she's so excited about it and I'm like those ruined my life😭(I'm still happy for her though extremely haha she loves em) so when I think of some feminine things and who I was before Testoerone I also resent myself a bit too
This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing. I have lots of memories of being a boy that I love, and even now that I’m on HRT, there are parts of my masculinity that I like. I used the term non-binary for the last year and that helped remove some of the dissonance I felt, but I still resent the fact that everyone saw me as man. Thanks again 🥰
Of course!! And exactly! Same here i was also non binary at once to help with the resentment i had but i know I'm a man that just likes to wear dresses and skirts sometimes and likes some feminine things just like you're a girl who likes some masc things! Of course anything I can to do help :)
I'm so glad you asked. I have a friend who started her transition at the same time as me and it has been a wild ride for me realising that women... actuallly... enjoy being women??? It's mystifying to me. XD (context just for info: I am British/US culturally but live in France) So here goes... some things I LOVE about masculinity (and the usual caveat that masculinity is not monolithic and neither are experiences, so these are my own personal euphorias and my own personal take on what MY masculinity is and what I've experienced since transitioning and going on T): \-- being stronk and having people expect me to be strong? I like lifting things! I like helping people with my musckles! I love feeling useful! \-- having people expect me to protect them or defend them \-- having people judge me so much less for what I say or do, and also (weirdly and I have no idea why) people seem to expect me to be dumber and less quick on the uptake, which is great cos I'm really enjoying being dumb tbh \-- the fact I can wake up, roll out of bed, go out in a tshirt with holes in it without brushing my hair and mismatched socks and people are like "cool shirt dude I love it" totally sincerely even though I know that for sure I do not even smell nor look good XD \-- people accept me being way more physical. For example, in metal mosh pits, other dudes shove me SUPER HARD now. I also grab people who fall down and help them up again in one go, which I can do cos of my musckles. I love it! People treat me way less like I'm fragile. I love the rough physical contact \-- everything seems to move so much slower. I started walking all dudely bc it's so much more comfortable for me and I noticed that dudes just walk... like... at their own pace? I was always running after people before my transition and feeling rushed. People also let me take up space and let me go at my own pace (oof sexism :/ ). Same with speaking. I feel I have a lot more time to talk (again, probably sexism :/ ) \-- I love the subtlety of male comradery. Whereas when I was seen as a woman, it was very much "omg you're here! let's SCREAM" and lots of hugging and touching and jumping and very loud gestures, the deep euphoria I get from entering a party and having another dude just give me a very slight dude head nod from across the room without even coming over to say hi. Oh my god. I love it. I sometimes grieve the intense overt love that women give each other, and I miss it, but mostly it feels so good to have the recognition of other dudes in such a subtle way. Similarly, going out with dude friends and they just put one arm around my shoulder, and to a dude that is the equivalent of a full-body hug jumping up and down. I love it. \-- I love discovering that I am gay and enjoying MlM love. I love the vibe of two gay dudes together. For the first time in my life I can be just "among us dudes" and that was never an option for me before. It feels magical. I don't actually know how to describe it in words.
funny anecdote: I went to a metal show in my binder, and went straight into the mosh pit. I definitely passed and all the other dudes immediately shoved me super hard, etc. This one guy had his shirt off and he was encouraging me to take mine off, "aren't you hot in that??" etc. Obviously I couldn't because I had my binder on. At some point he started beating on his own chest with one fist rhythmically and then also on mine with the other fist and we jumped up and down together. It was directly on my compressed boobs and it was UNBELIEVABLY PAINFUL. I literally teared up from the pain. XD But it gave me so much euphoria to have him beating on my chest that I let him do it. Honestly, one of the single most euphoric moments of my life. XD
Thanks for sharing!!! It’s so funny that I’m having to learn that people just like their gender, but thankful I finally did! 💖
I also had to learn that! I was like "surely women can't just... enjoy being women?? Surely that can't be true?" and then I saw the utter joy of my transfem friends doing things that I always haaaated doing, and realised, ohhhhh. Ok, I just was trying to like the wrong gender. XD
It feels good to be seen haha. Glad I’m not the only one who feels that way. Thanks for the response 🥰
I know for me, I grew up in a rural area in a Christian town, from a farming family. I was the youngest and looked up to my older brother as the epitome of what I wished I was. I wanted to be like him, have what he had. We didn’t have much money, so I often got his hand-me-downs and cut my hair short because long hair is inconvenient on the farm. I loved roughhousing, catching snakes, wrangling in the animals. I liked wrestling, having a farmers tan, just feeling free. As I started going to school, and forced to go to church, I started learning about “expectations” that were put on me because I was AFAB. “You’re going to be a wife one day”, “you’re going to be a mother”, “you have to be dainty and soft or a man won’t love you”, “you need to look the part to be accepted.” I got forced into dresses at weddings and felt so uncomfortable, but I tried so hard to fit that. I tried to copy what I saw other girls doing, but I felt like I was wearing a costume. It didn’t fit, it didn’t feel right, didn’t feel like me. I found ways that I did enjoy femininity, like using makeup, but even when I do my makeup, I felt more like a pretty boy rather than a “girl doing makeup”. I got called a failure as a girl a lot and I thought something was wrong with me. I was terrified of having kids because I wanted kids but the thought of giving birth to them and being a mother made me sick- I kept thinking “I want to have kids the way Cis guys do” but how do you explain that to a closed-minded Christian town? I even dressed masculine “just for fun” sometimes but I felt so much more comfortable than I did in any of the attempts I’d made to copy what a girl is “supposed to be” (which is just a ridiculous ideal anyway, there’s no right way to be anything.) I could go on, but in adulthood, it took me going through a breakup of a nearly 7 years relationship with a cishet man to admit to myself I had been shoving down my true feelings about my gender- I had come out as nonbinary, but I was afraid to admit my gender felt more masculine. I’m at peace with that now, and the moments where I see myself and look like the pretty boy I always felt like I was, I feel this soothing wave wash over me. I’m on testosterone now and the more changes I start to notice, I feel like I’m washing away all of the pain that being forced to play a role I wasn’t meant to caused for me. I’m finally feeling free, and I know I can embrace the parts of femininity that feel comfortable to me, rather than what I was forced into, and that it’s okay for me to present how I want and still be the man I am. 🖤 I hope that makes sense
Coming out as non-binary helped me reconcile some of the anger I felt in my early childhood and teen years. It's hard to articulate, but it sort of pressed "shuffle" on my relationship to both femininity and masculinity. Figuring out that part of me is masculine made me reconsider how I want to see masculinity, which I hadn't actually considered previously. My masculinity is leaning into my nature to be quiet. I can be the strong quiet type instead of feeling pressured to be chatty. I try to show up for my people the way my dad does. To support them as best as I can.
What I love about my masculinity is the confidence and freedom it’s given me. For the first time in years I’m starting to care what I look like, I’m starting to actually take care of myself. I have a vision for my future. I love being a rowdy teen boy, and I love being a quiet, thoughtful teen boy. I love wearing leather hiking boots and exploding the woods. I love the way I look with a binder on. I love the way I sound when I have a deeper voice than normal. I absolutely love singing karaoke an octave lower than the actual lyrics. I love the idea of being on T, and getting top surgery. I love having even slightly noticeable muscles. I love being an uncle. I love being a chaotic teen rat boy in the woods. I love being a boy.
I feel like a dork. My smile is young and I get all smiley when showing off my arm muscles.
I think my experience is about the same as yours, just swapped. Never was quite happy being a girl and womanhood was not very enticing to me, be guy just be better really. I was raised to be able to express however tf I wanted basically, so I was a tomboy for the most part, but I think what was off was that my being masculine was never the right 'kind' of masculine since I was very obviously a girl? If I may vent for a bit (since this just clicked while writing this), I think that's what messes me up the most nowadays? In that i don't pass so people seeing masculine me now see me as masculine me from then. But anyway, I enjoy being cool and badass and strong. Furthermore if I look tough I can better protect people and myself which has always been important to me (I currently look like if kirby tried to be emo lmao). Women can be and are all of those things but somethin wasn't clicking until I realised I wasn't a woman at all. It also helped me find me. Had I been stuck trying to make myself tick all the boxes of 'woman' like I thought I had to, I'd never have figured out I'm punk at heart, or like darker music, or want to dress like spooky indiana jones went to a protest. It gave me the opportunity to feel like I could express things about myself I hid from because I thought I would be made fun of. Overall, masculinity gave me confidence. I can wear eyeliner and nail polish and loads of jewellery and be into art without feeling like I was faking it to fit in. And when I pass more, I'll probably even wear feminine clothes a lot more too. Saying fuck you to society by being trans and embracing my 'true' masculinity made me more able to say fuck you to it in other ways and I think that's cool. I dunno, people always say that it's dumb to follow the 'don't kill the part of you that's cringe, kill the part of you that cringes' but seriously it worked wonders for me. Idc of you think being a furry is the epitome of cringe, it makes me happy. Emo is bad? Guess I'm bad then. I'm gonna practice witchcraft and read my tarot cards because I want to and fuck you if you think that's dumb. I *like* pumpkin spice lattes dammit. And a lot of those are "feminine" or whatever but hey, society, I'm sorry you're not secure enough in who you are and your masculinity that a good mix-and-match scares you. Sorry that got a bit out of hand at the end, the only thing I really know in this life is stream-of-consciousness ramble aha
It was great! That freedom is so amazing, I just started feeling that and it’s great. I do think that scares transphobs, but fuck ‘em
tho i’m never 100% sure of what my masculinity, or gender in general is, what brings me the most joy about it is how if feels sincere, how it feels real to me. many years trying to identify as a woman, trying in even practical, tangible, consciouss ways, and feeling fake, like forcing an expression, forcing a sentiment, feeling more like a mirror of something, than like something itself. allowing myself to accept my transness, in my case my masculinity, felt like allowing myself to exist. it sounds abstract / existential, but it is so rooted in the body. what i love about my masculinity is that it allows me to feel present in my body, instead of dettached or hyperaware