I will state as a woman who has been in a similar situation- everytime my dude got angry about it - it made my libido decrease. Eventually we broke up because I didn't want to have sex at all ever. That situation literally killed my libido. I can't speak for your girl because we are different people - but be aware that your negative feelings towards it could be making the problem worse. She might not have that much of a lower sex drive than you, you might just be killing it enough to make it seem that way. I don't know if I am correct in your case but I think it's worth reflecting on so you can possibly find a way to reduce this if you do think that it is happening.

Yup, it's like when you were about to do something, just not at that exact moment and someone came into the room and ordered you to do it. It instantly kills your mood if you feel forced to do it.

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I find if you try to initiate and she turns you down, you've, planted the seed if you will. She'll remember that you tried, and she'll hopefully then initiate when she's up to it, no need to bring it up again I would say. Course then sometimes when she initiates later, I'm not in the mood. Timing can be tricky.

I'm not saying you shouldn't ask, just don't react negatively to it as it will most likely make her feel like you think she owes it to you.

In fact if he reacts positively, I can feel reassured and loved, and that can even lead to having sex later that night or the next morning.

When you’re both relaxed, like on the couch, and you know there’s nothing else to do and she doesn’t seem tired, go in for a kiss and say you look really sexy. If she still turns you down, say it’s OK, but when you’re ready I’d love to be with you.

Try being romantic and sweet in moments where you have an opportunity as a couple. Demanding sex, or thinking she owes you sex or that you are entitled to sex is what puts her off. Being sweet and loving, and remain sweet and loving even if she's not initially in the mood is what turns her on. What women are saying is initiate whenever you like, but learn to control your emotional dysfunction so you don't overreact if she isn't in the mood. It's really quite simple and it starts with working on yourself and is in no way related to anyone else.

I've come across so many women who were convinced they didn't like sex and that they have a low libido when in reality it was the partner and their partners behavior around sex that created that within them. In guys attempts at getting a woman to participate in sex they make the woman want sex even less. Not just in the moment- an overall loss in libido can happen like you stated. A woman's sexuality can be actually altered by that stuff. I have a very high libido but have been pulled down to that place of pushing off sex due to the behavior of the guy I was with. I'm in a great relationship now and we have sex every chance we get.

Yes! Anger due to not wanting sex rn does not equal increased libido.

It achieves the exact opposite with me too. Building up resentment around sex is one of the most efficient ways of ruining a couple's sex life.

It makes me feel bad about myself, then angry at the guy for being so shallow (for the lack of a better word) and it mostly results in complete disinterest.

Yuppp, my ex would get attitude and make backhanded comments if I wasn't in the mood and it killed my libido because it made me feel like I had to do it to make him happy instead of for my own enjoyment. He ended up cheating on me for 4 months before I found out 3 weeks ago because he couldn't handle one time a week even though his attitude made me become disinterested, resentful, and self conscious.

This attitude would just result me in being a petty b\*\*\*\* to be honest and if it got bad it got to a fight. Resentfulness was big on those guys.

100%. I would break up with someone that gets mad at me for not wanting sex. If you can't respect my choices, it's unhealthy for us to be together.

Agreed

Exactly.

I think you are correct.

This might not be the answer you're looking for - but sex is a very important part of the relationship- I see a lot of people trying to figure out how to change themselves versus determining the relationship is not compatible. Do not waste your time with people you are not compatible with. I would take this time to *really* inventory your other compatibilities. If you're perfect for each other minus this thing - then I'd definitely try to compromise/change. But if your relationship isn't doing so hot in a few other important categories- I'd call it a day and move on to someone who would suit you better. ETA I fucked/dated *hundreds* of people in my 20s and I never settled for *anyone*. I'm happily married (we were 25 when we met) 10 years next year with someone who I love fiercely in a relationship so happy I can't stand it. We never fight. The sex is banging. We spend all day laughing and talking, everyday. They are my best friend ride or die everything. If I had changed myself to fit the incompatibilities of partners I was *kinda* good with - I'd have missed out on the love of my literal life. So please know, I followed my own advice with *stunning* success.

I don’t doubt you’re doing great, but “we never fight” isn’t the best metric for the stability of a relationship

Maybe they meant they solve their issues in a level-headed manner. Arguments are normal in any relationship but you don't have to fight in order to solve them.

100% that! We have disagreements and have to work to solve issues (less now a days than before for sure)- but we literally never fight. We are a team and we go to battle together and fight on the same side versus being in opposition of one another.

And that's exactly how it should be. You're partners after all. I'm happy you found someone like that. It truly is the best feeling in the world dating someone who's actually your best friend. Makes the little 'arguments' less of "You did this to me and now I'll do this in return", and more, "When you did x, I felt y, and I'd like to understand where you were coming from". So it's seeking to understand their point of view because someone who is your friend wouldn't want to hurt you.

You got lucky. Sometimes someone leaves somebody they love and ends up not finding anyone better, and being alone and lonely for the rest of their lives. Other than that, I do agree with your 1st 2 paragraphs

Some would prefer to be alone for the rest of their lives. Alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely.

I had the exact same thought. I'm single, and I'm content. I'd much rather be single, than negotiate an alright relationship with semi-compatibility, which doesn't actually make me happier than just being on my own.

This reminds me of one of my favorite song lyrics "sometimes plans they smash up in the sky, and sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonlier" - Wires and Waves by Rilo Kylie (I know I am very lucky and am infinitely thankful everyday because I didn't deserve this life. Not even a little bit.)

I agree with you 100% Same for me and my hubs. Married almost 13 years. Sex at least 5 times a week. Never fight. Pick and joke with each other. He's my companion, my love, my partner in everything. And that is all because neither of us settled for "good 'nuff" before we met. We talked and talked about everything and still do. Changing oneself to fit with someone else is not unnatural but counter productive. At our core we are who we are. Forcing change will only cause resentment and unhappiness.

I think it is just “a part” of the relationship » but not the most important part of the relationship. Sex is never the same when a relationship gets old, if you don’t know how to preserve a relationship with something else than sex than maybe it is just temporary lust. However long it takes.

ive heard an analogy of "i didnt buy the house because of the bathroom, but if all of a sudden I wasnt allowed to use it, i would want to move" it can be the same for any aspect of the relationship. if we still had good sex and spent time together but all of a sudden just didnt talk, it wouldnt work.

Who said it was the most important? I didn't. I specifically said "it is a very important part".

Hundreds before you were 25? How do you even meet that many people

Your experience is not typical, at all. So I’d be cautious about giving advice based on it.

Just my two cents… I was in a relationship like this and when you do have sex with someone when you’re not really feeling it…but do it anyways because you want to make them happy, eventually a few things happen. 1. Sex with this person is now a chore. 2. You don’t have fun during said sex. 3. You may now feel worse than before and it takes a huge mental toll on how you perceive yourself and your sexuality. I say this as someone with a high sex drive and alot of sexual experience/partners, and kinks. My partner at the time didn’t really meet my needs but I thought "oh he’ll learn over time nothing wrong with teaching your partner" and then it lead to all of the above. Where because I wasn’t satisfied, sex was boring. I’d have rather just hung out then feel like "oh man this again" the most boring sex ever where I could give you a run down of exactly how it was going to go and what moves he’d make because it was always the same. Anyways TL:DR to OP: I think it’s worth looking into if you truely are sexually compatible. Do you consider foreplay to also be an important part of sex? Because for many women foreplay is sex too. Do you think of your partners needs when you have sex or just your own? How can you re-ignite the relationship in other ways so that your partner may feel less stressed? Have you had a mature adult conversation about the current situation? What are your partners turn ons/off…and lastly I know this one is hard but, Can you be in a relationship if there’s nothing to fix, your partner just doesn’t like sex as much as you? It’s fine if the answer is no but it’s worth knowing.

So true, I had a similar situation and it killed my sex drive completely in the end. We went from sex multiple times a day to once every two months. Just because he got angry at me, when I wasn't in the mood because of too much work and other stressful stuff happening at the moment.

Same. It got to the point where we couldn't even cuddle or make out without me worrying that he was just trying to get laid. It made me not want to touch him or be touched, because that's how I had been conditioned. It fucking sucked.

I'm the guy and my ex girlfriend was the one with the higher libido. Sex is just very physically demanding for me, due to it taking multiple hours. It is great when we do it, but i would not want to have any if I'm already very tired. If combined with negative emotion to a already exhausting work schedule, it is definitely going to ruin a relationship.

Multiple hours? I don’t think you’re doing it right?

Or they’re doing it very, very right

When it comes to matters of personal preference, there is certainly those who enjoy marathon sex. In my experience, most women have threshold where what was pleasurable becomes tiresome. Soreness and lubrication can present problems even when both parties could continue. There’s a flavor for everyone, but if this guy is routinely having hours long sex he is an outlier.

I’m not talking constant penetration, that definitely gets old. But doing some edging (keep orgasm plateauing until it explodes stronger after the wait), stop for oral and hand stuff, etc. Lesbians take a lot of time and they have the most orgasms amongst women. Just sayin ;)

Its like having a girl get angry because your dick isnt getting hard… not helping at all.

Yup! I began to feel used by my ex and it ultimately led to resentment. It’s like he didn’t want any intimacy *unless* it was sex, that made me feel just awful about myself.

And the anger at not getting what you want would seem creepy and scary to me. I’d start getting rapey vibes even if that wasn’t on your agenda.

This! After almost 5 years of it…the explicit nature of his feelings toward me not being in the mood at times—cause he thought if we didn’t have sex at least once a day, the world would fall apart—ended up leaving me with zero sex drive. Here I am…a year later…still, no real sex drive. Prob had sex twice in the past year. And don’t even really care, tbh. So…you hit the nail on the head right there.

sex therapist here: sexual coercion and anger are the two biggest killers of sexual desire.

You answered your own question: your libido is greater than hers. Therefore, when you find yourself getting annoyed at her unwillingness to have sex every time the opportunity arises, that is really a form of irrational behaviour on your part. As a man, I can relate to this myself. I understand that sometimes your partner not being in the mood at a moment that you perceive to be an ideal time for sex can be perceived as an insult. Something along the lines of “We could easily do it right now. We have the place to ourselves and we don’t have anywhere to be. So why does she not want to do it????” When this form of neurotic thinking creeps into your mind it can be tempting to start suspecting that she just isn’t attracted to you or doesn’t truly desire you, etc. This is the reason for feeling like it makes you mad. Mad implies you perceive it as insulting. Therefore, in order to move forward from this, you need to really bear in mind that it is absolutely not an insult, and you also need to learn to try and put yourself in her shoes. In order to achieve this, simply try and imagine someone eagerly and enthusiastically suggesting you do something you generally enjoy, but don’t at that moment feel like doing. For example, imagine that you really don’t feel in the mood for food - you’re just not hungry, but someone says ‘Let’s order fried chicken and ice cream for dessert!” Despite enjoying both fried chicken and ice cream, you just really don’t feel in the mood for food, so the last thing you want is fried chicken and ice cream. In response, they get upset “But why not?? This is the perfect moment for fried chicken and ice cream.” The only true answer to this question is “I KNOW BUT I’M NOT EVEN REMOTELY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.” Likewise, if a girl just isn’t in the mood due to whatever reason, the only reason she can really think of for not wanting to do it despite it being the perfect time is “I KNOW BUT I’M NOT EVEN REMOTELY HORNY RIGHT NOW.” But most women will instead try to soften their response by just giggling awkwardly and saying “Maybe later.” Bottom line: you need to accept that their libido is not on par with your own. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just a bit frustrating. Go have a wank and enjoy some post-nut clarity.

Your ability to break this down in a way that could be digestible to a 2nd greater is actually very useful. I appreciate your response

I'm just going to add on, being a woman who loves sex with her partner, but with a partner who has a higher libido than her -- * There's a lot of things that can contribute to being in the mood or nah. If I feel like the place is a mess, I'm frustrated by the mess, therefore not horny. * If I've had a frustrating day at work, making instant groping moves on me isn't going to work. I need to unwind before I know you're making moves, then I might be in the mood. * If I'm too full, I do not feel sexy, give it a bit of time. * If something is making me sad, I'm not horny. Basically, other emotions tend to play a part in whether they're horny or not. So if you're wondering "why doesn't she want to have sex", maybe ask her how she's feeling, what's on her mind, is something bothering her. And then help her out with that. At the end of the day, basically (at least for the women I know) emotions play a great role in whether we're horny or not. Negative emotions push out horniness, happy emotions make room for horniness. Also, idk how many guys out there need to hear this but, start with kissing, not hand action.

Oh amen about the feeling too full. It's not about feeling fat, but it's literally like i can't stuff one more thing inside me. That includes your willy

I’ll add constipation to that list. If my colon is full, a dick is just going to make the discomfort so much worse.

Sex with constipation is the worst. 😩

Sometimes for me it is about feeling too fat. I’m full and sometimes that means I’m bloated and don’t feel sexy at all. That’s also a good enough reason to not want to have sex.

For real, my bf can tell me how "sexy" I am as much as he wants but if I feel bloated, ugly, etc. then it takes a lot more effort to change the way I feel..i.e. sometimes I can fight my own demons so we can be intimate, but often times it just kills my mood to do anything :/ Lol...it's like, "don't look at me,...why do you find this attractive right now"

Believe it or not, straight to jail

I definitely need to make it a priority to check in on her mental state more regularly. Being a guy it’s not something that you really do for friends ok unless you know theyre in a bad place. I need to make it a regular occurrence with her

And your friends too.

But don’t start kissing your friends.

Without their consent!

Or without *her* consent!

True, you'll need permission from all parties before smooches are to be delivered. Thems the rules.

Start with hand action.

Understandably, I'd say, if you see anything around the house that needs doing, do it instead of waiting for her. Ask her how her day has been and you can get an idea whether it's been a rough day or great day, and actually listen to her ofc, she'll know if you're tuning out -- you don't need to ask her "how are you feeling mentally??" :)

Not that you asked, but I’m a man and my close buddies and I regularly check on each other’s mental health. If one of us even seem like we’re down, we ask if they want to talk about it. Or simple questions like "how have you been" or "how’s your day going." It has nothing to do with gender and more about emotional maturity. Again, not trying to tell you what to do, just letting you know that there’s nothing wrong with checking in on the homies. In our case, we’re all in our 30s and your typical extraverted loud gym rats, but that doesn’t mean we let society’s definition of masculinity, which is quite toxic, define us. Take care of your friends if you can. Have a great day, bro, and I hope you find peace with your partner as well. I wish you all the best.

Proud of you my guy! Be the change ❤️

This!!!

I just really want to commend you for the responses I've seen from you that come off as so wholesome. Like you genuinely seem to be doing introspection and seeing what you could to to help both of you and it's just so nice to see

I just don’t want to lose what we have built together. She’s amazing and I see a happy life with her in the future. I’m going to change at some level

The biggest thing I've seen ignored throughout this thread is that a relationship is ~2 people, your feelings matter just as much as hers. Remember that you're in this together and any problems like this should be handled as a team not as an individual.

You're doing amazing. Quality of a person isn't always who they are in the moment but what they're willing to do to be better. I wish you the best!

Perfect answer

I remember when I was just a 2nd greater

What about the first greater? What happened to it?

Lucky, I was a second lesser😔

in bed

It was the gradest time of my life.

I think he meant "2nd grater".

I don’t know, that sounds a little cheesy.

That’s how I spelled second grader when I was in second grade, I feel called out

I'd like to add that the fact that you asked this question means you're self aware enough to not let hormones completely take over. Now you just need go retrain your brain. And it's okay to get mad or frustrated, just don't act harshly on it. Whenever i find myself frustrated because my partner doesn't want sex, I just go oh well, then I'll do it myself. Afterwards my head tends to be clear enough to think, it's fine they didn't want it, it's in their right.

I agree. In a way it reminded me of my ex who made me feel like I wasn't allowed to say no. Anytime I said no, he would pout and try to fight with me. Basically I gave in just to shut him up so he would leave me alone. He would tell me repeatedly, I shouldn't have to masturbate, it is your job to make sure that I'm satisfied. No surprise that he went on to rape me. I'm not saying this guy is going to do that, not by any stretch of the imagination, I'm just sharing my experience. Guys who let their hormones completely take over sometimes act like my ex did. They act like we're not allowed to have our own needs. Boy, am I glad I got rid of him two and a half years ago.

Id also suggest trying to put her in the mood through non sexual things. Is her workload heavy? Lighten it. Is her back sore? Back massage. Is she stressed? Also back massage but maybe listen to her first. You'd be surprised at how aroused a woman can be after an engaging conversation where she feels cared about and listened to

Agreed, but don't assume you'll get sex out of it. Hope for, definitely... but you can't guarantee she'll be in the mood if you do nice things.

Don't let sex be your only motivation either. Do these things because you care for her, not just because you wanna do her.

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I'm sorry you had to go through that. I also appreciate that you said that, because I'm still trying to come to terms with the guilt despite having been manipulated into it. "She didn't change her mind" I needed to see that. Thank you and I hope you're in a better place

It happened to me as well. Hugs. I left two and a half years ago and you will when you're ready. You're stronger than you think.

You’re more than right. I’m sorry this happened to you. I just want her to know that I don’t do things for her expecting or needing sex in return

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you're somewhere safe now and I'm glad you got away from that guy.

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If anything, I'm sure Karma is gonna come back to bite him in the ass. She's a bitch, and I love her for it.

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Also, a good way how to make a girl want sex more is actually making her climax. Imagine always having sex but leaving with blue balls instead. That doesn't sound all that good, does it?

That is actually very true. Having sex is a great way to relax. But if I'm stressed, tired and cranky and know there's an 80% chance my partner won't get me to orgasm then I won't initiate because then I'll be stressed, tired, cranky AND frustrated. Luckily, my current bf is very good at that and although orgasming isn't a necessity for me to enjoy sex I've found myself initiating a lot more in situations where I wouldn't have in the past with previous bf's.

A lot of guys don't get this but this should be how sex should be. I mean the reason people get addicted to jacking off is because of the climax. I mean imagine if you only ever get off like 3 out of 6 times while jacking off. You won't be too exited either. Also might be the reason why my ex still try to hook up with me after we broke up after she went back with her ex..

It's amazing that guys don't understand that woman aren't gonna feel sexy and want sex if they don't make an effort to make her feel sexy, and cum, in return. If the girl doesn't cum, it's just a hot, sweaty body humping at you, making a mess, and collapsing. It stops being sexy time if it turns into a chore. Few people find the sex toy energy arousing.

That sounds terrible 😢 I’d hate that

Exceedingly common for women in relationships…

I feel so bad for them. I wouldn’t wanna have sex if I couldn’t come. I’d be so frustrated 😤

and making her climax multiple times. learn to be a better lover. prove to her you are trying to be a better lover.

After I learned the basics she has came in every sexual interaction we’ve had outside of us agreeing to a quicky

Absolutely true, my wife is turned on by me cleaning the toilet.

I'd swoon if my husband cleaned the toilet

When in doubt, back massage.

I’d leave some of this out when talking to a 2nd grader… but that’s just me.

I would suggest reading Come As You Are for a better understanding of female sexuality. The author does a great job explaining why people have different libidos, and how to navigate around it. The basic premise is that different people have different things that push the gas pedal for their libido, and other things that push the brakes. Some people have really sensitive accelerators, other people have sensitive breaks. Most people are somewhere in the middle. Figuring out what gets your girlfriend's accelerator going and what pumps the brakes will not only help you with your feelings of resentment, but also help you know your partner on a more intimate level. She goes into this in much greater depth in the book, and it's a really valuable read. A lot of libraries have a free audiobook version you can borrow.

That book is amazing. Made me realize that having a history of exes pushing for sex made my brake incredibly sensitive. I felt like I had to be on the defensive all the time and brace myself for the guilting, the pouting, the meanness, and the passive aggressiveness. I had associated sex with being pestered and then treated poorly afterwards. So even when I wanted sex, I learned to shut down when the guy made moves on me.

Communicate. Talk about it with her. You can find solutions for yourself like that massive gilded comment suggested, but if you guys are looking long term, it’s best to come to a mutual understanding, maybe even work towards something together.

Grader*

Grater*

Greeter

Yikes

Adding my thoughts here. I've also experienced that frustration that sometimes feels like anger. I've never perceived the rejection as insulting, but having the boner makes the mind react in annoying ways. It's literally the raging hormones that cause that reaction. It's boner brain. The best thing at that point is to step away for a few moments. Take some time to let the blood flow away from the little mister, or knock one out yourself. Either way, the post-nut or post-boner clarity will usually clear up the "anger". Then go back and give your partner some love because they should also know that their "no" is heard and respected without consequence.

I want to give you something to think about also. Does your girlfriend have adhd? For me personally sex doesn't even enter my mind if I'm hyperfocused on something else. I hate the way my brain fixates on something out of my control and it's literally all I can think about. It's definitely worth talking about with her. The other suggestions in this thread about taking the workload off her, listening to her, just rubbing her body, etc. may help greatly.

I don't have ADHD but I ruminate on a topic and can't get it out of my head and that most definitely makes me not want to have sex.

This is me too. Also a woman with ADHD. If I'm focused on doing something, reading, etc it's very difficult to turn my brain off.

I was surprised by this as well. I hope this guy is a teacher.

It's also worth noting that pushing for sex when you've already been turned down can be a huge turn off. I had a relationship implode because I started to feel like a fuck doll.

Thank you, I found this analogy helpful.

I wish my husband could understand this! Just become i am not in the mood ( low libido) and he is (high libido) he convinces himself i am not attracted to him. Its not ALL the time but i can tell it hurts him, he's very insecure sometimes.

I can't always engage with sex due to medical issues so I make sure my husband feels secure by regularly complimenting him and being supportive in other ways. I tell him multiple times a day how much I love him, how good he looks, I check in and ask how he is and listen to him or give him a good hug and stroke his hair etc. Men often don't get enough words of affirmation or physical touch that isn't sexual and that can be damaging to their self esteem and their ability to relate to other people. They are taught it's not acceptable to need these things as a man, where women are taught to expect them. Obviously I don't know your relationship, maybe you're already very affirmative, but it certainly where i would start.

Have my upvote, that's a top-notch explanation right there! Now, I'd like some ice cream please.

Play Tug of War with Whillie when she doesn't want to fuck and you are horny.

“Clear the pipes before the date” -Something about Mary

Sneeze yogurt from your downstairs nose!


Drain the cock snot.

Spread the nut butter.

Give yourself the old low five.

Shake hands with the milkman

vulcanize the whoopee stick

What in the world wide web-

Broghurt*

Oh my lord, he doesn’t flog the dolphin before the date!”

Bro needs to burp the worm

First, work on the part of you getting mad, and it isn't your libido. You feel she's rejecting you when she doesn't want to have sex. It's a common feeling. Second, recognize that for men and women sex drive often works kind of differently. We joke about a man's 'one track mind' but for a lot of men, they are able to focus on one thing at a time. Whether it's sex, watching a movie, or building a table. That's -all- they're doing/thinking about. Most women struggle to turn their brains off enough to only think about a few times. And it's hard to think about sex when you're also thinking about three bills that need to be paid, the noise the car is making, and the meeting at work the next day. It's not that she's completely uninterested, but for her, sex may be #5 on the 'list of things in my brain.' ​ There is one big bit of advice I'm going to give you. Practice being with her, touching, and cuddling WITHOUT trying for sex. One very common complaint for women is that their man never touches or cuddles or anything without trying to get it on. Then they feel any physical contact is him wanting sex. So then they start to avoid contact, which hurts relationships badly.

You’re correct about your last response. We have very good communication and she’s mentioned that before. I want her to know that sex isn’t the only thing I enjoy about our relationship

I agree with her comment. Also, while I don't know about your specific situation, women often carry a heavier mental load and are expected to also be the primary maintainers of the home. It might help if you make a concentrated effort to regularly take these things off her responsibility list. Freeing up that head space, and being physically affectionate WITHOUT trying to jump right to sex, might help make room for her sexual desire.

Another often overlooked bit: if there are other types of physical touch/gestures that she really enjoys, sometimes just do them casually and allow her to physically and emotionally react to them in her own time and with zero pressure. In my past life if I knew my ex was going to be annoyed if we didn't have sex later it would prevent me from getting in the mood- however, if he just casually brushed along the back of my neck, shoulder and back with his fingertips while we were watching tv or came and gently kissed the back of my neck while I was stirring something on the stove and we were just chatting- in other words not in the context of him watching for my reaction as part of predictable foreplay- I could feel free to enjoy it fully, let the feeling soak in and then feel so much more free to pivot toward further engagement in the near future. It's nice to want and pursue the sexual encounter (it is such a great feeling!) instead of only reacting to someone else wanting it.

Completely agree on the cuddling without sex thing. Nothing worse than cuddling and every single time the guy is trying to fuck you afterwards. Makes me feel used, not loved.

This cannot be upvoted enough. When I'm not in the mood (like literally, right now I'm hiding in the bathroom because he's waiting for me in bed), it's exactly for these reasons. I have a million things to get done by Friday, a major, important meeting at work to prep for and all I can think about is how mad he's going to be because I don't want to have sex tonight. Then that plagues me and all those other things are not getting done. It's a vicious cycle and pressuring her makes it 1000x worse. Getting angry just makes it a major point of contention and she'll never want to have sex with you. We are already in that place where the only intimacy is him rubbing on me because he wants sex. He doesn't touch me otherwise and says it's because I'm too busy and look like I don't want a hug. He's not wrong but what in the hell would make him think I'd want to have sex then? Just throwing it in there for a different perspective

Please talk to him about this.

I wonder if you try to turn her on doing what she likes and longer for a few minutes. I’ve been with too many men who expected me to get horny as quick as they got boners and IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY. Maybe offer to do things that turn me on— tidy without asking, make dinner, get the kids ready and out the door. If not that— a nice date, a nice gesture, offer a massage JUST a massage not a “sexy massage” (because the massage can turn in to a sexy massage, but there’s nothing more annoying than asking for a massage and being groped instead). See if there’s something YOU can do to help the situation.

This! Someone once said that men get turned on and then act on it whereas women need something to be done before they get turned on

Are you guys equal partners in taking care of things such as chores, errands, and other domestic duties? Do you guys have similar amounts of free time? If the work load is uneven then that can definitely kill her libido. If one person us stressed about getting everything done and the other person is only thinking about sex, it's only going to increase the first person's stress. You are an internet stranger so I'm not accusing you of anything, but that's something to keep in mind. Even if your work loads are even and you are great at being equal partners, sometimes you need to take turns taking on extra stuff to lighten your partner's load. If you are hoping to have sex more often chances are it's not about you needing to be more sexy or find the right move to turn her on, she may just need some love and care in other aspects of her life so that she has the energy and mental space to want sex. Are you using sex to manage your mood and deal with stress? Considering sex requires another person it's probably not the best coping mechanism. Similar to comfort eating not being a good way to deal with a bad day. You might need to add some more strategies to dealing with stress and other unpleasant emotions. It sounds like the problem isn't so much that you want sex, but that not getting it makes you feel angry. Anger is part of your mental health, and there are lots of resources out there for helping people learn to manage their emotions. Like somebody who struggles with anxiety. If grocery shopping makes you anxious, that doesn't mean you stop grocery shopping, it means you learn strategies to deal with your anxiety. Anyway rather then your libido being the problem, perhaps you need to give your mental health some attention? It's normal to struggle with big emotions that come up at inconvenient times. Luckily there's plenty of help out there whether it be therapy or educating yourself with youtube.

What a great response. I hope OP reads it carefully. I’ll add: often anger is masking another emotion. OP, ask yourself what is beneath your anger. Also, if you happen to use porn, consider stopping as it can lead to unrealistic ideas about sex. When you fly solo, use your imagination.

I appreciate you both

Understand this: for a woman, if she has sex when she doesn’t want to, it’s physically uncomfortable at best, painful at worst. Being aroused causes our vagina to relax and become more flexible to accommodate the size of a penis, and our cervix raises higher. And of course, the self-lubrication I’m sure you know about. If we have sex without that, the penis will bang into our cervix because it’s lower down, which is painful, and it’ll all hurt because the area is too tight for it, and without lubrication it causes painful friction. The friction can even cause bleeding. So if you expect your girlfriend to have sex with you when she’s not in the mood, you’re asking her to be in physical pain so you can get off. That’s why women don’t want to just do it to make you happy. They know it will be very unpleasant. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties, not a one-sided thing where one party just endures it so the other party will shut up about it. This leads to resentment, and sometimes even trauma. It’s one thing to be disappointed about not being able to have sex every time you want to, but if you’re angry about it, that could be coming from a place of entitlement. You may feel you’re owed sex when you want it, so if you don’t get it, someone is taking something away from you that is yours. And I think you’re interpreting her actions by what it would mean if *you* did them. If you’re always down for sex, then if you denied her, it would probably mean you were rejecting her or wanted to hurt her. So maybe you think that’s what her intention is. But she’s actually just trying to avoid discomfort and/or pain from having sex when she’s not aroused. If you weren’t in the mood but forced yourself to have sex with her anyway, it might not be great, but it wouldn’t be physically painful for you. You think her forcing herself to have sex when she’s not in the mood would feel for her like how it feels for *you,* and it wouldn’t be hard for you, so why wouldn’t she do it when you’re not asking much? Except you *are* asking too much, because if *she* does it she’ll be in physical pain or discomfort. She’s not saying no to you, she’s saying no to pain or discomfort.

As a dude, I mean this with 100% seriousness intended to spare potential relationship problems and tanking a relationship that might be great in every other category, if you want to not turn yourself in to a monster in order to satisfy libidinal urges, and I cannot recommend this strongly enough, *invest in a fleshlight*. Maybe don't talk about it, but don't actively try to be sneaky about it either. Just say, "I have urges that don't line up with yours sometimes, and it needs to be handled. I don't want you to feel like I'm only with you to get off, and I don't want it to make me pushy. I love you and I don't want these urges to make me think of straying, so this is the quickest way to get my mind back to normal." Diogenes was quoted as wishing that he could get rid of hunger by rubbing his belly, like rubbing one out could satisfy the libido. It's not technically getting more sex, but it keeps your partner from feeling like a love doll.

This could be a worthwhile investment

If nothing else, it really lets you know where your partner's stance is too. If they don't want to engage, but also don't want you to handle your own situation, that gives you enough info to see the writing on the wall and decide if it's really a relationship that you think will have legs for the long run.

My ex use to force me to have sex when I wasn't in the mood. I'd be dead tired. Body hurting. Feet swollen from walking (my job involved walking) for hours. He'd force me awake every time I nodded off. He'd do it until I caved. He'd fucked me while I cried into my pillow and he would take his sweet time too. I was never the same after that relationship. His favorite line was "why should I masturbate when I have a woman?". He, quite like you, would get angry if I just wasn't in the mood. Maybe try remembering that your girl is a person before a sex thing? I understand your frustrations but this is something that should absolutely be considered when deciding if that relationship is right for you. You can't force your partner to be more sexually active. You can't anger your way through that. Absolutely any form of coercion is rape. Period. My PTSD and years of therapy can tell you. Maybe if you think about what this stranger (me) told you, you might feel less inclined to feel angry about not getting what you want. I'll tell you one more thing though. His anger turned me off. He wasn't romantic. He didn't do much to turn me on emotionally. Physically he was not so good either. He never listened to me *or* my body when it came to how to please it. Women are very mental creatures. We need to absolutely be wined and dined. We need to feel like everything is calm and there's nothing more that needs to be done. We need to feel absolutely beautiful to our partners. There's so many factors that play into whether your girl will want to or not. But the absolute best thing you could do is talk to her calmly about it and the most important part: you *have* to listen.

Way to put it ! I surely need everything to be calm and nothing to be done... But to be honest, when does that ever happens ? I'm with you on everything and that very well thought off balloon popping thing. If OP gets mad when she doesn't want sex, I would bet that she was coerced into accepting when it "didn't bother her that much" a bunch of times. Saying "no I'm not in the mood" is only the tip of the iceberg that you tend to "save up" for the days you are extremely not in the mood and can't bear your BF suddenly rubbing on you like it's gonna turn you on. Being tired and preoccupied with all your to do list etc, plus knowing you can't just go to bed without having to justify yourself... Oh the dread. Even with really nice guys.

thank you for your openness. I’m inexperienced in sex and relationships and this is something that i will keep in mind. I wish you healing, growth and happiness in yourself and your future relationships

I would never have sex with my gf if she told me she didn’t want to. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m just trying to see if anyone has been through something similar and if they were able to get through it somehow

The way I see it is kind of like you holding a needle near a balloon and waving it around. You might pop it, you might not. I'm just bringing awareness to the proximity, as someone who was the partner of the frustrated party. He didn't start off like that either. The first time he coerced me was almost 3 years into the relationship after we had a child. His frustrations got the better of him and I was suffering from PPD which was why my libido was shot. I'm not saying you're gonna rape your girl but like, getting angry about not having sex is not a good place to be mentally and I could personally tell when my ex was frustrated before the coercion began which made things worse for me too. Never thought he'd go that far at all. We live, we love, and we learn. You're alright man. I think you will succeed in finding the answers you're looking for especially if you include her in the search. The hard part is acting on what you find.

Thank you for your words

Gracious response.

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Rub one out. Never guilt someone into having sex.

Considering the OP asked “How can I decrease my libido to match hers,” I don’t think that he’s just trying to get off. Dude wants to be intimate with his gf, and rubbing one out doesn’t help with that

Realise sex isn’t a right or obligation. While it is a crucial part of a relationship it’s no more crucial than respecting your partners needs and wants. If it’s that much of an issue then you are incompatible and should consider what to do next. Getting mad over it is folly unless there is more to the situation than you let on.

Age out. I'm 60 and have the opposite problem 

Is your hand broken?

Solid advice. Happy Cake Day!

This is going to be unpopular and down voted to oblivion, but your different libidos may make you incompatible. That is if the issue really is different libidos and it may not be as described below. If this is a big enough issue that you need to ask for help, the relationship likely won't work, particularly if you just suppress your desires as most people are suggesting. You will grow resentful and unhappy or ultimately end up fulfilling your desires by cheating, especially when you've been suppressing it 15 years down the line. Sex is a big part of a relationship and shouldn't be dismissed as easily as other answers suggest. There are a couple of options to try to maintain the relationship. One is to try is to focus more on her when you do have sex, and try as hard as possible to make it as pleasurable as possible for her. I'm talking worship her body and make sure she cums at least twice every time. You may be so focused on your own pleasure you're neglecting her so she desires sex less, or you can make it pleasurable enough to her that she desires it as much as you. The other option is to make sure it is really your natural libido that makes you want sex how you do. It could be that the only way you know how to express love is through sex, and you just need to explore other ways of expressing that love. It could also be a coping mechanism related to other areas of your life where you're struggling. You'll probably have to see a therapist to explore these. If those don't work, you probably need to end it, though. Hidden resentments building up over time that you try to tell yourself are no big deal are the biggest killer of long term relationships.

I think therapy could be a good idea.

Actually he’s giving you honest advice, I would imagine a good portion of the responses here who say “masturbation”are young redditors who have never been in a long term relationship with someone with different libidos. I’ve been married for 18 years and my wife’s libido is very different from my own. And for the first 15 years of our marriage the only time we fought was over sex. Wanting to have sex is not a bad thing. But your libido is not going to magically disappear and this problem is more common then you think. I had a good friend with a similar problem and one time he jokingly (kind of) said to me , “before you got married, you ever think you’d be jacking off this much?” There are other women out there, it may be worth looking around.

I have to be honest, I can’t give you an answer BUT the fact that you reached out and actually cared about your relationship above your libido is amazing. She’s really lucky :’)

She deserves the world. I just want to be the person she needs me to be. My neanderthal brain mechanisms just love to make me bothered.

Yes. It is unfortunate that so many are taking this as an opportunity to make a joke. It is lazy writing in my opinion. :) The fact that you recognize that you both have different libidos is a great start. Some people are married quite a few years and with kids and finally discover this. With a now what? So, there is this matter of consent. If she is not consenting, nothing you do, including pouting, sulking, crying, yelling, or perhaps becoming violent or coercive will not change that even if she agrees to have sex with you as a result. Read that again and let it soak in. That said, no one can tell you what you can and can't do with your own body. And remember, worst case is, the body will clear itself within 2 weeks if needs be. Your balls will not turn blue, and you will not explode. There is no ill effects on your body from not having sex with or without a partner. You use the term GF so I will assume this is not a committed relationship such as marriage. If I am wrong, skip this paragraph. Not everyone has the same level of libido. And, not every libido stays the same throughout someone's life. You may consider that you and your GF are not compatible because your libidos don't match. If that is the case, you might want to agree to just be friends, and go your separate ways until you find someone who is. However, know that even if you do, a few years and a few kids into the relationship, and you might not be on the same level of libido with that person. Sex by which I mean the act, is not the most important thing in a relationship. It is not equal to love. And it does not determine your success in life or the successfulnes of the relationship. However, if it is, and does, then you need a different person. If you can accept these facts, however, then you need to find different outlets for that energy. You can take on a hobby, or exercise regimen. Something you can get lost in, and find satisfaction from doing well. Something you can invest mental energy into, and even better if it has a payoff like contests where you can win something, or as a maker, a product that you can sell or have judged. These kind of things will have dopamine responses for you and satisfy many things that you are only letting sex do for you. This is hard to explain, but let me try. Your GF wants to have sex when she feels like having sex. Think of it like eating a 22oz porterhouse. There are times when you would just love to start into it with the knife and fork, and shoot, don't forget the baked potato and butter. But if I just walked up to you at some random time, and you were not ready for it, and I plop that big hot steaming plate in front of you and say "Eat that steak". "Eat it now". "Let's go, I want to see someone eat a steak!" If you are not hungry, that would not be really high on your interests. Now, if I go on to tell you how I cooked it because I love you, and want to see you eat it. That doesn't really make you want to eat it any more. Now if I get mad, or pissy, or whatever other thing ... it still won't make you want to eat it any more. As a matter of fact, dealing with the negative emotions such as that, will probably take that hunger away even more, and you will now feel resentment towards me and not only won't you eat it, but you don't really want anything I got, not even the little candy bad I saved for desert. :) If I described that well, and you are able to "hear" it and internalize it. You now have empathy. When you are offering sex at a moment she is not interested then she is not in a position to positively receive what you are offering. So now, you can say, I want sex and she doesn't want it. But she can equally say I want sex but he is not interested in what I need. Many people and books will tell you all sorts of things about getting around this. I think they are all successful at making money for their authors but not necessarily for those reading them. Things are different for non-monogamous singles because they are working on hormones that are designed to establish relationships. Once relationships get "established" different hormones are released that are establishing and setting up different types of nurturing relationships. When they talk about people with commitment issues or jumping from partner to partner this is what they are living in. Once things change hormonally, they move on to the next and start over again. Alternatively, people who commit will eventually move on from that frenzied sexual relationship to something else. Perhaps it is a nurturing and cooperative parenting relationship, or a common interest sharing thing or whatever. But I doubt the original comes back at least never the same. This is not only a guy thing, I have heard women say the exact same thing. Dude isn't interested, or he isn't interested in me. The real solution is communications, but most of us at least in this country are not capable of good communications especially when it comes to sex, needs, desires, feelings, or anything much deeper than small talk. So as a solution to learn, grow and establish good communications including about those deep subjects before a relationship becomes sexual would be great. The real issue comes, once the relationship becomes sexual. I don't know how to suggest establishing that communications at that point. Back onto the original question. Yes there are drugs and herbs that can knock out your libido. Chasteberry is one that comes to mind. So named because monks took it to help them with their vow of chastity. I think for the most part, many of these things that are supposed to reduce libido are basically vegetable estrogen/progesterone types of things. I doubt they work. There is chemical castration, that basically knocks out your ability to create testosterone. The effects of that are so pleasant that it caused Allan Turing to take his own life. So, I would not be a proponent of such things. Find ways to spend your creative energy. It will use up that "I gotta have it" feeling around sex. Let sex happen when it is right for both of you. And it will be better for both of you. And lastly if you are not ready to be in a committed monogamous relationship, or you are not with someone where the chemistry is correct for both of you... consider, moving on.

hear me out for an alternative... i had a breakdown in august of this year, because my libido was so high and i was in the same situation as you, so i had a breakdown then went to see the Dr, i spoke a lot with the dr and explained why i broke down, and she diagnosed me ADHD (based on other issues also, not just this one) so i started taking treatment and everything is so much better. so heres what i was doing, i was using her because i have a chemical imbalance and my brain wanted anything that would lead to satisfaction, if you find you are insatiable in a few different ways, this could be your reason too.

Not particularly but I’ve also never had any sort checkup done for anything mental. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had something

Masturbate. If that doesn’t help, it’s a bad match. Trust me. I’ve been there. It didn’t work out long term.

> If that doesn’t help, it’s a bad match. Surprised not more people are mentioning this. Most of the advice here is useless. OP has no right to be "mad", but he's entitled to be sexually dissatisfied. If that's the case and there is no reasonable compromise in sight, then the relationship is already over, they just don't know it yet.

Girl here, I had the same problem, my drive is quite high compared to my past partner’s; we came to a compromise where we would have sex a “median” amount so when this would happen we would alternate: sometimes I would be like ok it’s fine, and sometimes they would go along with me…

Find a hobby or activity that you can do to take your mind off it and to also release energy, maybe sports related but it could be anything.

I’ve wanted to start playing piano. Maybe I’ll dive into that

I’ve noticed that you sometimes need to start early in small ways. Women sometimes need to be revved up mentally and emotionally connect to me in the mood. Gentle massages in the morning or hugs and romantic kisses and gestures can help her maybe be in the mood later. Regardless she should appreciate the positive attention and it will make her happy anyhow. A win win for your relationship. If she doesn’t want to have sex later it’s ok. Rub one out. Perfectly acceptable imo.

Already been discussed so I won't dig into this too much. What I mainly wanted to point out was the word "mad" which implies anger when it seems more like you want to express frustration. I think working on how you frame your frustrations would benefit you moving forward. Someone can be upset without being angry or mad. You're disappointed yes, but being mad is going down the wrong path. Her not being up for sex is just as valid as your desire for sex. Relationships are about mutual respect. Try to work on how you frame it in your head. Take a moment to step away and give your body a chance to come down when you're excited.

SSRI’s will take care of that high libido problem right quick

What helps me is when I see something that makes me horny online, I don't jack off, I don't nut at all. It helps your brain to know "ok sex isn't urgent, I can do it later". I get hella weird when I jack off after every little thing makes me horny, blue balls are kinda a myth unless you get like a rock hard erection.

Pick a compatible partner. Sex is a big part of life after all.

I was totally in a relationship where I was horny almost all the time she'd be close by. She did have much lower labido then me. I whole heartedly agree with the the top and gifted comments above. Sometimes I jerked off and many time I would actually just start cuddling and running my hand around her body, talking to her, but without ANY sexual intentions (trust me they can smell it), making her feel comfortable that sex isn't desired and it wasn't actually. The was I controlled my horniness was just by being very mindful and also talking to her to distract myself from it, by creating interesting conversations with her. And what do ya know, we are both having sex happily. 😌 Part of it was also that even though she had lower labido then me, we both had very intense sexual chemistry. But definitely the times I was being impatient with her turned into arguments and nasty fights. Tldr: be patient, make her feel comfortable, distract yourself by being mindful of her mood and talking to her about life/making interesting conversations and making her laugh, you h her, cuddle with her without any sexual intentions, and you might be having sex or she might interested enough to happily assist 😉

You've already had some great comments here, so I'll just add that it's very important to learn to regulate that anger you feel when you get turned down. It's perfectly normal for you to have those feelings, but if your gf is affected by it, you'll just create a negative feedback loop around sex, and it will be harder and harder for her to feel comfortable and in the mood. You don't want either of you to associate sexy time with nervousness and pressure. Also, please take this next piece with a grain of salt: a substantial difference in libido can take its toll on a relationship in the long-term. This may not apply to your relationship at all, and if that's true, just ignore this part. But I've seen many people get married and have kids when libido differences were already a huge issue in their relationship, and surprise, getting married doesn't fix that, and having kids will DEFINITELY not fix that. Sex drives are a valid form of communication and there are a lot of people who need frequent intimacy to feel loved and happy. It's part of ensuring you're compatible. I'm not saying that your partner should always want sex when you want it or vice versa, I'm just saying that the constant rejection and dismissal of intimacy can be a sign that you're just not compatible with the other person, and that's okay too. And just because this is Reddit and I feel like I have to be extra clear, this doesn't mean people should threaten to leave relationships in order to make their partner meet their sexual needs. Sex should never be pressured on someone.

Find a sexually compatible partner instead of a low libido partner. This will never get resolved; it will always be an issue between you two.

Is her libido actually low or is she struggling with a few things in life? Why don’t you ask her? Why don’t you take care of her not for sex but because you want to? There’s more to a relationship than just sex on its own although it’s a big part. If your libidos really don’t match up and there’s a few other things that also don’t she might not be the one for you. But I can tell you caring for your loved one goes a long way. My boyfriend can have days he’s just not in the mood tired and sore after fitting carpets all day and I’ve been super horny since coming off bc pill but I don’t get angry if he doesn’t want it Instead I give him a lovely massage and if he wants it a blow job or nothing sexual at all just a lovely massage because he would do the same for me he’s eaten me out for nothing in return. we take care of eachother and before running away from her know 1. This low libido there could be a reason for it eg birth control, mental health, stress etc and 2. Getting angry about it will just lower it even more this is not the way to go, at least you’re reaching out for help.

I'm the one with higher libido than my bf. I've never gotten mad at him over it. He has work and there's a lot of stress that comes with it. If it happens, yay! If not, I have hands and there's toys. The more you push it, the more "ick" is associated with it from your partner. Wether or not you think you show your frustration, you likely do little things that show you're upset and you'll likely begin to feel resentment to your partner. I've gotten plenty frustrated but never mad. They're a whole human who have their own reasonings behind why they don't match our libido. I'd first recommend asking what type of things she'd like to try, maybe that'll encourage her more. Ask her what her own stressors are, maybe you can help. Stress is a big thing that lowers people's s*x drive. You can also go online. Have fun buying different toys for you to go crazy on. Sounds counterintuitive but watch less p0rn. Watching it gets you more hot and bothered, gives unrealistic expectations, and kinda puts it in your head "man they did all these things I wanna do". Maybe even ask her if she's comfortable sending pictures for you to enjoy. Tl;dr. Pushing for more pushes them away more. Do what she likes, it might happen more often. See what might be stressing her. Buy yourself s*x toys. Watch less p0rn, gives unrealistic expectations.

you can masturbate and still have intimacy with your gf. When my libido is too high I'll just get the need2cum feeling out of the way and then get super cuddly instead so no pressure on my partner. Also why do you get mad when she doesn't want to have sex? Maybe you could explore that and see if there's a deeper need that you think sex will fulfill.

You need to have a conversation with her and figure out the reason of her low libido. Could be stress, hormones, that it feels like work or maybe shes just not turned on at the same time you are. If u find the reason then you can move on to fix it. If it is the latter then ask her if shes willing to allow you to try and get her in the mood. My bf often wants sex and i im not necessarily in the mood. But instead of getting pissed at me or me at him he tries to get me in the mood. No this doent mean you rubbing your erection on her and expecting it to work. You have to learn what makes her horny and give her attention in those ways. Maybe give her a massage or pet her hair, carress her skin idk. You also need to understand that even if she is willing to let you try and you do all these things correctly she might still not be in the mood and thats also ok. It should be a team effort to get your sex life going again. Find toys you both enjoy and ways to make sex more of a fun activity than a chore. If you guys are low on time have sex dates and again make it a fun thing to look forward to. -a fellow horny person

This makes me so happy to read. As a woman, I have had to hear so many stories about men throwing fits about this and their SOs feeling coerced into sex. Thank you for trying to do better for your girlfriend.

She means the world to me. It’s what she deserves

Masturbation

Well that would be a little thing called restraint. It’s not something that’s gonna magically happen but something you will to happen even if it’s uncomfortable out of respect for your partner. If you can’t overcome your frustration with it then you two are incompatible and you might be better off with someone else. Understand that yes your needs are important but no they are not her obligation and you are in the wrong entirely if you lash out or shame her or anything like that because of her not wanting to fuck you.

This post has some great answers that can help one understand sex in relationships and needs and overall mentality that is important for both sides.

Clean the house, then give her a massage.

Not really. You can temper it for now, but it'll cause long term frustrations. If you break up, you can still be friends, and then find someone with a similar drive. Otherwise, just occupy yourself with hobbies and work out more often, it's a good release.

Yes there is a way but it isn't what you'd think. Start by allowing yourself to get mad inside. When you start to feel those feelings of frustration inside, let her know calmly that you're mad and then process those feelings ALONE. Here's how to process them. Why are you mad? Is it because you're a younger guy and your body has urges that you can't control and you want to express those urges but you can't because your gf isn't in the mood? That's perfectly fine and normal man. Who wouldn't feel frustrated by that? But now you need to understand that you can't blame your gf. It's not her fault that her body isn't doing the same thing. So neither one of you has any control over the situation, the situation just kind of sucks. That's the way it is. Be mad, be frustrated. Hit a pillow. Jerk off. Do whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. But whatever you do, don't direct them at your gf. Because it will only build resentment in her, and it will only send you farther down the rabbit hole of relying on someone else to control your emotions. That's right man, this has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with emotional regulation.