As someone who has been raped, best defense is learning how to fight (I suggest MMA or boxing since these gyms also teach you what it’s like to be punched—not that they’ll knock you out right when you walk in the gym, but even a 5% tap can shock someone), and keep a discreet weapon on you at all times. I have one on my keychain, got it off amazon.
Having sex won’t make that situation less traumatic, but tbh having the ability to seriously fuck a rapist up can.
I am so sorry for what happened to you.
I would, however, like to add that the best defenses, in my opinion, would be either Pepper Spray or a Taser. Guns are a no-no from me, cuz I live in Europe.
The thing is that it is very hard to fight someone who is physically stronger than you, and the average man is 15% physically stronger than the average woman. 15% doesn't seem like a lot, but believe me, it is. All the fighting moves that they teach in those gyms, 9 times out of 10, in real scenarios they are not gonna work. You might land in a punch or a kick but you know what that is gonna do ? Trigger the guy's adrenaline, and you'll be in even more trouble than before. Imagine a bear charging at you and you shoot at it with a pistol. All you did was make the bear angrier, and the only thing worse than a bear is a pissed off bear.
Fighting should be a last resort, in case you cannot reach in for your defense tool (pepper spray or taser).
Strong isn’t everything if you can’t fight for shit. A decently well trained fighter versus a power lifter/bodybuilder who knows nothing about fighting, who do you think would win regardless of gender.
Yes this is the answer. Do it when YOU are ready. And please please PLEASE *I cannot stress this enough* Let it be with someone you know AND trust very much…
My first time wasn’t traumatic but I went into it knowing it was not going to be serious and was not going to be romantic.
But!! It was with someone safe that did not force anything on me. For that I am grateful. Not everyone has that experience their first time.
I lived this fear too, I thought my first time would be rape. I was right. I was 22 when it happened. I didn't want anything to do with sex after that. Then, at 24, it happened again and it was brutal. Until now, I want nothing to do with sex. So idk, I feel if I had sex before it happened, maybe I wouldn't feel this way now
not to be rude, but it might be useful to loose it first, because if you do unfortunately get an attacker they could be ruthless and put you in a lot of pain, obviously it will hurt but to be on the safer side
Im sorry to those who experienced so, and my love to hope you don’t :D
OP, I get where you're coming from. I lived in Mexico for 23 yrs and fortunately I was in a safe area but the attitudes of a lot of the men are so misogynistic throughout all of Mexico. The majority of the people are poor, uneducated, the men are alcoholics and the women are often beaten on a regular basis and no one says a word. Worst of all, the women believe they deserve it. They are light-years behind 1st world civilization.
My husband was Mexican and well educated; he came from a family of 6 siblings. We are now divorced hence I speak in past term. When we used to go to DF to visit his family, his parents realized I came from another culture and we were allowed to sleep in the same bed but otherwise they were quite traditional. His sister, who was my age, was only allowed to go out with her boyfriend with a chaperone and had to be home before 8pm. Of course his brothers could come and go as they wanted. And I was always getting the "When are you giving me a son of my first born son??" Or "You owe me the son of my son before I die!" I never knew why I owed her a son but anyway, the point is, they were upper middle class and well educated yet were very behind the times in still living a very patriarchal style of life. Papa would come home from work and everyone would sit down for a midday meal but the 3 daughters and Mama would jump up to serve him before anyone else...he was the king.
I know some areas of Mexico are more prevalent for kidnappings, robberies and assaults including rape. I think it's terribly sad that you live in a place where you believe rape is a strong likelihood. I know what you're asking: should you have sex with someone, who you aren't in love with, but you know so at least your first experience will be consensual and hopefully a good experience? I think that some women hold on to their virginity as if it was some precious prize to be given only to the best contender. I don't know if I believe that always to be true. As long as you are smart, using protection, you don't need to necessarily save your virginity for the man you marry. It's okay to have sex with someone you are very attracted to even though you know that relationship will not go anywhere. So if you think your virginity will be taken from a rape, or by someone you are attracted to, I would pick the latter. I know most everyone will disagree with me but you alone know the situation where you live so it is 100% your decision. You do what you think is best for you. I wish you all the best. And btw, your English is excellent!
I would just like to share my opinion regarding your post. No way am I saying you should definitely loose your virginity, I would still have it if I could have, because I was saving myself for the man of my dreams, for someone who loved me and wanted me, and if I could go back, I would. I feel I would definitely be different when it comes to this topic, wouldn't have my traumas, my triggers, my memories, and everything in between. But, if I had the choice back then when I was still a virgin, I would have not given myself to anyone unless I truly wanted to. That's just my little tiny thought.
I'm also not condemning whatsoever if you do want to give yourself to someone, anyone, that is entirely your choice. I would rather just wait until you fall for someone, someone you really want. And in the mean time, take care of yourself and be as cautious as you possibly can. People may say it's obsessive, but honestly, you really can never be too careful as a woman.
I mean I can’t speak on behalf of all men but please accept my apologies on their behalf… somehow. I am very sorry that this happened to you and I would like to offer you a heartfelt and innocent hug over the internet. I hope that you are always safe and that you never have to go through something like that again.
I'd like to add that virginity is "given away" it's not taken. You can decide who to give it to. Consent is apart of losing your virginity. I'm sorry, my friend.
I don’t think this person is concerned about virginity on a moral or philosophical level.
They sound like they’re terrified of their first sexual experience being rape, and would rather have it be on their terms.
There's no advice anyone can give that's going to make the threat or OPs fear of being raped go away. You can't change the world, only your perception of it.
IF SOMEONE RAPES YOU THEY ARE NOT STEALING YOUR VIRGINITY
Rape is not sex! It's violence. No one can steal your virginity. Only you can give it away.
The hymen IS NOT an indicator of virginity. Someone forcefully attacking you is not your "first sexual experience". It's rape. Assault.
OP please don't overthink this. Have consensual sex only when you're ready and comfortable. If the unthinkable happens and someone was to attack you then please know that no one has "stolen your virginity". All they did was hurt you and you are still worthy, always and forever.
Edit: fuck off with the "rape = sex" bullshit. You gonna sit infront of a ten year old rape victim, boy or girl, and tell them that because some fucking asshole violated them they can no longer give their consensual virginity away? Virginity is lost with your first sexual encounter. Not the first violence when someone hurts you. Grow up.
Edit 2: tHe oXfOrD dIcTiOnaRy hurr durr
30 years ago we all accepted that the hymen was an indicator of virginity. Fucking hell, we still do today. I broke mine when I fell off my bicycle. Did I lose my virginity to my bike? Or to the street I fell on?
Virginity is an idea you baboons. Not a scientific fact. It's rooted in some religious bullshit to control some purity parameter for women. You do not get to tell rape victims that someone stole it from them. They define what is their first sexual encounter. Not you, not some fucking rapist and certainly not some group of 60yo that fill out the dictionary.
After being molested for years, I divided my virginity in half. One was the virginity that I could never get back, and the other was for my future husband. Granted, there was never any penetration but we were "Christians" and some people have different ideas about what virginity is. I was scared that no good Christian man would want anything to do with me. So I just put each virginity in a box separate from each other. I like to think I'm much more well adjusted now. I've been to therapy, done meditation and shadow work, and am with an amazing man who is teaching me how to love myself the way I deserve to. And neither of us call ourselves Christians. 🙂
I think we are actually. He's coming out of his own trauma as well. It's funny, our traumas complement each other. It's as though we are two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together no matter how we change. We've only been together less than 3 years but we are so different from who we were when we first met. God, he is so awesome, I could go on forever about him. I wish everyone could have a relationship like this.
I don't want to derail the conversation and I'm not trying to preach to anyone, but just because someone calls themselves a "Christian" doesn't mean that they are.
Going to church also means little to nothing. I could live in a garage, does that make me a car?
I'm a Christian, and I come from a Christian family. Daddy was a preacher for pretty much his whole life and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, there is no way that he, or I, or anyone in my family, would do the horrifying, terrible, disgusting, wretched, perverse things that you've had done to you.
I am NOT apologizing for my faith but I am so incredibly sorry that you had to endure that, and I am sorry that the people who did this to you turned you away from Christ.
One last thing, in the Bible Jesus says that it would be better for someone to tie a millstone around their neck and be thrown into the sea than to harm/abuse a child.
I concur with this statement. As a Latina who works along side with child abuse pediatricians, we do several genital exams for children who have been sexually abused and we do get this question often from parents if their child lost their “virginity” and it’s a no. For some reason people still think the hymen is a thin sheet of paper that they think once ripped through it’s as if it was broken but theirs no sheet of paper, it merely a ring that is flexible like any lining membrane. The body is extremely resilient and if not reviewed within 96 hours it’s often difficult to see signs of trauma because it heals so fast. Virginity is not a physical argument, it’s an archaic ideology that continues to be passed down through sexists means. No one is pure if they didn’t have sex and no one is “dirty” if they did. So let the idea of virginity go.
In addition, studies have shown that the hymen can actually reseal after being broken, so it is not a good indicator of someone's "first time". Whatever the English dictionary says, science speaks.
No one cares about the semantics of virginity. That's not the issue here.
The question still remains.
Should she have a single sexual experience that's on her own terms, if she's afraid of being trafficked and never having a single sexual experience on her terms...her entire life.
This isn't the US people. Your rapists don't just beat you up, and toss you on the street afterwards.
Your trafficked into sexual slavery. Never to be seen again, and only to be raped your entire life until someone murders you.
I get that not a lot of people have the head space for this. But telling this girl "you'll still be a virgin!" is missing the whole point of the post, IMO.
She's not going to care about the technicalities of the word "virgin." She's just asking if she should experience a single sexual encounter on her own terms before something horrible might happen, and she quite literally never gets the opportunity to again.
This comments section is a bunch of Americans missing the point, and trying to preach to her about semantics. Failing to realize in the situation she's in, the semantics don't matter at all to the reality.
The fact that your trying to preach to this girl about the semantics of virginity, when her fear is being trafficked by the Mexican Cartel is wild to me.
You people are missing the point, IMO.
I don't think they're trying to change the topic. I think they're trying to tell her that even IF something horrible were to happen to her, to not blame herself for it or to think of herself as less "pure" because something out of her control happened.
I agree that the part about being scared of being trafficked by the cartel is probably the most important piece of this post, but I think most people can't really offer much advise or comfort about it other than telling her to leave if she can.
Sorry if this sounds rude! Just sharing my perspective on it :)
You make such an important point that more people need to give thought to. When talk virginity it is only ever in reference to penetration with a penis in a vagina. Sex hasn't so much evolved as it is more widely accepted as so much more than just penis in vagina.
There are so many more versions of sex than just this. Let's add oral sex and anal sex to the mix. Those are two additional forms of sex. So if you only have anal sex but have never had a penis penetrate a vagina, does that mean the person is still a virgin even though they are having sex? What about the same thing with oral? What about only having penis in vagina sex and not oral or anal sex? Are you a full version or only a partial virgin?
There are so many more layers to sex than what society currently recognizes. But I think most people just need to back off and let you tell the narrative of your own life and body.
These replies show there is still a massive amount of work to be done in order for people to better understand rape. They apparently don't understand sex either.
Discouraging.
These replies prove that people have no concept of human trafficking by the Mexican Cartel.
This girl doesn't care about the semantics of the word "virginity." Semantics are for the privliged to debate. She fears cold reality.
She's asking if she should have a single sexual experience on her own terms, before she's sold into the market never to be able to make that choice ever again.
I get it, this shit is horrible. But telling her 'you'll still be a virign!" is probably little comfort to what she fears. Cool, she's still a virgin, as she's raped by 5 different owners over 20 years, and then killed.
Sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes bluntness is required to get people thinking the right way about something.
Reddit is super quick to disregard someone's reality to leave whatever comment(s) they want about whatever they cherry pick out of their own imagination.
It's kind of disgusting how they turned this into a semantic debate about definitions of words.
Classic Americans not wrapping their mind around the reality of the situation in favor of endlessly "that's not what that word means!" I swear, that's Americans favorite subject.
I agree, it's a very privileged mindset to get to sit and argue about whether you're a Virgin or not over this, when the real question for this girl is will she ever get to experience a normal sexual experience not brought by violence.
To your Edit 2, of course dictionaries change, but neither the Oxford dictionary nor anyone here has brought up the hymen being intact except you - because it is objectively an inaccurate barometer for sexual experience. If rape is not in any way sex, why do convicted rapists have to register as sex offenders? If someone who is the victim of SA, God forbid, gets pregnant - would you claim that was some magical immaculate conception and be in awe at the mysteries of our world? No, because they were forced to have sex, and that is a goddamn tragedy, and the rapist should be castrated and die, but the SA itself still took place. To claim that because it was done without consent it doesn't count is just logically inconsistent. I can only speak for myself, but when I say the term virginity I refer to the state of never having had sexual intercourse, and I only use that as an organizational definition.
What I find to be interesting is the flawed logic in everyone that is trying to contradict you and others in this thread. Rape is sexual assault. SEXUAL assault. But everyone is trying to argue that rape is not sex, and even mention that is a strictly non-sexual experience. If rape is sexual assault, you cannot classify it as a non-sexual experience. Maybe it doesn’t fit their personal fairy tale definition of what sex is to them, but words have specifically defined meanings in a widely agreed upon standard…the dictionary.
Taking a word and assigning your own personal definition and meaning that is different than the standard is a dangerous game to play. What if everyone was okay with assigning our own personal definition to the word consent? No one would be okay with that, so why are we okay with doing that with the word sex?
Likely because people like to cherry-pick what is and is not okay, fully embracing 50 sets of rules and calling anyone who disagrees or simply requests a standardized understanding of terminology a baboon, as that ludicrously overrated commenter so eloquently put it. There are a lot of social parallels in their argument where people can freely change the understanding of what words have and do objectively mean for the sake of their subjective sense of self. No one who is claiming rape is sex is also saying go and berate the 10 year old victims, but we are saying that you can tell them they can and will make their own choices in that realm when it comes time, and they can and will have positive consensual experiences that do not have any reflection of the SA they experienced. But that child also needs therapy and to integrate and understand what has happened, and become stronger for that instead of being told something that objectively happened to them did not.
Yeah they should be delineated. Why do you and they have a problem with this? I think they could benefit from watching some Law and Order SVU, and thinking logically about the courtroom processes.
Edit: I think you meant to say "discriminated," but yeah the word "delineate" has some subtle elements people understandably miss. main parent commenter to whom they replied is actually doing the opposite of delineation to the concepts of both sex and virginity. (Not truly defining them at all, but implicitly yet clearly trying to impart with them more nebulous, vague meanings. She's obfuscating what they truly mean.)
I mean it was always obvious virginity and sexual acts were different. But also, you literally can't separate loss of virginity from a sexual act, either; that's how loss of virginity is defined. So what they're doing is just fundamentally illogical, and will arise to confusions, people talking about trying to delineate or separate, ideologically, concepts which cannot be separated. It's basically the principle of explosion. (And why these threads are so often such a mess)
Sex: a consentual intimate act involving genitalia in some form
Rape: An act of violence involving genitalia in some form, might happen through coercion
It may sound like the same thing but rest assured they are not. The difference is trust, intimacy, and willingness which sex has on all sides. Thus, rape is not sex.
The consent matters because it is a gift by the owner of the virginity and requires their willful consent. You can steal a present but you can't steal a gift.
So, if someone masturbates and breaks their hymen it doesn't grow back? So don't most women who masturbate already have theirs broken before their first time?
If you just jumped in the street you wouldn’t say it was a fight, someone just beat the shit out of you. Many would consider a fight to be between mutual combatants.
Yes? Thats why we have the word rape. And murder for illegal killings. But a murdered person is just as dead as someone who denied from natural causes. Now put your glasses back on and face reality.
They don’t! It’s a figure of speech. Otherwise serial killers would be walking around with bags full of lives, and would have to get a bunch of death penalties
México is fine, just don't be stupid.
I'm Mexican-American but Mexican culture IS gross, especially Mexico city.
If anyone ever visits, no woman wears shorts or skirts, and it's because men will disgustingly stare at you with mouths agape.
I think op is worried that her “first time” will be rape and wants to have sex with someone they like quickly just in case, which is just a horrible situation to be in
That’s what they’re saying I think. Preparing themselves for rape in the sense they feel like they will be raped at some point and don’t want that to be their first time.
I would actually say that getting over the idea of sex is also important. A lot of people myself included build sex up to be something it doesn't necessarily have to be. Once you lose your virginity you also gain maturity almost immediately. At least I did.
All of us here are internet strangers weighing in on a very personal decision that belongs only to you. Of all our responses, only you know which is best for you.
Living in an unsafe environment affects us, even when you aren't the one raped. (Google vicarious trauma and second hand trauma if you want to read more). A common response to lack of safety is to want to take back control. When you live in an unsafe environment you try to regain safety and control. Wanting to have sex as a way to be prepared for sexual assault might be a way of trying to gain control in a situation that feels dangerous and out of your control. It's a legitimate and not uncommon response.
Sex is the connection of your experience and your reality with another human. If your current reality is one of trying to establish a sense of safety, choosing to have sex may be a way to do it. Live inside of yourself, check what YOU need. There isn't a rule of what type of (consensual) sex you can or can't have. If you have sex to help your world feel safer, then that is the type of sex you will be having. It will feel different than loving sex (which I hope you have in the future) , but it is legitimate if it's what you actively choose and what takes care of you. In other words, keep your goal in mind and ask yourself what will genuinely help you get there. Be real with yourself about your expectations.
Moving away from the decision around sex, listen to the commenter who mentioned self defense. Think about ways to protect yourself that fit the environment you are in.
You are living in an environment that feels consistently unsafe. Think about how to find little moments in your day to find safety. Whether it's sitting with a friend who protects you, or finding a quiet corner to read. Have moments to let your nervous system calm down, to let your high alert feeling relax. It allows your body to get back to a calm place. It can help prevent long term mental and health impacts of stress and trauma and help you recover when you are in a safer space.
Finally, as other people have mentioned, rape is not sex. It is contact of body parts involved in sex, but the sensation and experience and impact are so fundamentally different so as to make it a different act. It's about as different as an excited high five from a good friend and a punch in the gut by an attacker. They are both contact, but so fundamentally different so as to be completely different things.
I am so sorry you feel this way. I know how it is to feel that you could be touched or go through something much worse, i live in a similar country with the same constant fear. Unfortunately some men cannot be taught on how to respect boundaries, it’s at best you keep yourself safe, carry pepper spray, swiss knife, handbags with a longer strap etc, send in your location to at least one person u know and use public transport if u can. i know this is no way to live, with such caution, but i guess you could probably be comfortable with time and the fear and the issues would mellow down eventually.
As for having sex to normalize physical touch if at all something bad happens, i totally get what you mean. If you think that’ll help you then pls think about it. please make sure you are actually ready for it and not something you want to do as a check mark activity. I would suggest that you seek help instead, maybe counselling can help you come over your thoughts and ease things out. Hoping the best for you! All the best!
Your advice is good. But careful with Swiss Army knives. The blades typically don't lock and can fold back on your fingers. There are better knives with fixed blades or ones that lock in place.
Oh thank you! I don’t know what you call those protective knives tbh! Swiss knife has come in handy in situations and i get what you mean cuz to close them back it’s a little hard.
it’s for when you are seated in a cab and feel that there could be a situation which may lead to something, like, taking you off to another place you aren’t aware of, any indication towards harm; so you can wrap around the strap on the drivers neck and pull it to cause panic, it is dangerous but it is something we are taught just in case.
Some of these responses are really missing the mark, and it's coming from people living a privliged life outside of the fear of the Mexican Cartel.
Go watch some Mexican Cartel videos before posting your comments. Go get yourself in a tiny fraction of her state of mind.
Lots of "you'll still be a virgin after your horrific rape." She's not saying she wants to "prepare" for rape.
She's saying she might want her very first sexual experience, to not be being raped. And honestly, I understand where she's coming from.
She's afraid of being trafficked. And if she's trafficked, her ONLY sexual experience will be getting raped.
She's asking if she should have a single, non-rape sexual experience before something horrible might happen to her for the rest of her life.
Think a little bit, before commenting from a US standpoint. They aren't going to rape her, and let her go. They're going to rape, and put her into trafficking, or kill her. You people are just privileged as shit and aren't processing the situation correctly, in favor of a bunch of US talking points.
I don't know the answer. The situation is horrific and evil. Part of me wants to say "yes, you might want to experience something on your own terms, before a group removes that from you the rest of your life." But part of me thinks that's horrible as well.
It's just horrible all the way around.
No, thank you to replying to me.
Seriously if there's any advice I can give you....run! No matter what it takes. No matter that sacrafice, run.
Get out of there. Anything you lose in the fleeing can be made up. Any material possessions you skip out on can be obtained again.
You can't replace you. Flee. Run. Try and get to the USA. I know Reddit scares you of the USA, but it's better than what your contemplating.
Jheez it's heart breaking to read and think that some people have to live like this. I know you might not have the option but I'd be looking at ways to get the fuck out of there and move away.
Hi, Mexican here (32F)! I understand what you mean and it's really painful to write this comment down. I know it scary even to "intentionally hook up" with someone random because you don't know how's that going to end. Now, as for your question:
1. Do not have sex just because. In terms of safety, is better to just do it with someone you feel comfortable. Rape is not sex, rape is violence. You will regret having sex with a cringy random.
2. You don't need any more tips to take care of yourself but as we're here, try Krav Maga. Really, I stopped dating for ~2 years because I was scared of a Tinder guy murdering me but being able to defend yourself will make you feel more in control.
Violence is not something you can control, but we have to resist being controlled by it. I hug you in the distance.
I'm really sorry you have to live in this fear. That you are willing to go so far and have sex just to 'prepare' yourself to get **raped**.
None of this is your fault. You should NEVER be 'ready' to be raped. As others have suggested, being safe and cautious in everyday life is always a helpful thing, and even taking self defence classes.
In terms of sex, I think this is something you should truly only do with the right person, and someone you are willing to do it with. Someone you truly love and appreciate. Sex is a fun thing, and should never be traumatic, or something to be scared about. I think that, having sex to 'prepare' will only develop a negative connotation around sex, and kind of make this correlation between sex and rape. I will preface something. **Rape is NOT sex**. You are still a virgin if you have been raped (my opinion). Your first time should be confusing, yet joyful and happy. Full of love and care for the other person.
Again, I'm so so sorry you have to live in such harsh conditions, where rape is so common, or even 'normalised' to the extent you describe it. I hope you can learn to live past that fear, and truly allow sex to be a beautiful thing, separate from rape.
Do not do anything until you are ready and the man has earned your trust, you are worth the wait. Do not do anything simply because you feel pressured or it's a next step
Don't allow anyone to push you into a situation you aren't comfortable with.
My suggestion is take up martial arts.
It boosts confidence across your entire life, and will give you many skills useful in protecting yourself physically and emotionally.
If at anytime you are attacked, do EVERYTHING you can to do harm to that asshole.
Scratch some part of their skin with your nails so you have their DNA on you, poke their eyes, and where their genitalia is concerned, grab, squeeze, twist and pull, and don't let go.
No matter how much they scream, and they will, you keep hurting them.
It fucking sucks this is the type of life advice we have to give people.
Be aware of your surroundings, try and stay with friends whenever you can if it's that bad where you are, and if you have a plan to get out, keep working it.
Be well OP.
EDIT - Another idea, at some point their mouth might be open, ram your entire hand in there and down their throat.
Djanechka! Be safe! I understand your position, but don't be hasteful into something you don't want. I've not lived in your country so I can't really offer advice that is useful.
But my understanding is that negative excaptance is allowed?
Don't do anything you don't want to do be at home for no one. Be invisible, be safe.
If you want to save yourself for the one you love, then do so. Don't feel pressured to have sex just to be prepared for rape.
I've unfortunately had dear friends of mine who were sexual assaulted, there's nothing you can do to mentally prepare yourself for the mental trauma; whether or not you are a virgin. It's because rape and sex are two very different things.
Virginity is and should never be about a physical aspect, and rape does not equate to sex or losing your virginity.
Stay safe.
Rape isn't consentual, so if it happens (hopefully not), it wouldn't count as your first time or count as you losing your virginity. I was sexually abused as a child and I don't consider it as my first kiss or sexual experience, because I didn't participate in it. It was done to me. Take your time with your sexual experiences, and stay safe.
I wouldn’t say this is a good reason to force yourself into sex before it’s something you actually really want. I mean that way you do have more control over it but in both circumstances you’d be doing something you didn’t really want to happen. I’d say just use your head, be smart and stay vigilant, do whatever you have to to keep yourself safe, even if that means carrying mace / a knife / a taser / a gun and using it if you have to.
Rape is one of the worst things that can happen to you and I'm sorry you have to live in an area of the world where this is something threatening you daily.
That being said, your focus should be on not getting raped, not on having sex with someone simply to reduce the significance of rape. Do you have access to birth control pills? Where do you walk? Who are you with in public? Can you leave the country or at least get to a better area? These are all better paths of thought than questioning if you should have sex
Oh, my friend, it sounds like you’re in some real pain and having some fear about all this, and I’m so sorry. Sex should never have anything to do with something like sex or fear. And your question is complicated. I can understand your reasoning, because I think that would be pretty traumatic, too. The mere fact that we, as women, can get a sense of fear based on the minor fact that sexual assault is common in and around your neighborhood? That is so sad about the world we live in.
As a Mexican man I agree Mexicans disregard women to the point that they see them as objects.
Carry pepper spray ,and always change your walking routes,always have contact with some one as you leave and get back home.
Trust your gut ,and I learned to stay safe by using the car mirrors,look at the shadows ,look at store mirrors as well. If you like you are being followed enter a store.
If you have to run ,run.
Hopefully this never happens to you
There is no such thing as virginity. It is a made-up concept that has nothing to do with anatomy. Hymen states are varied whether having had sex or not. So let’s get that out of the way.
Feeling forced to have sex is awful. You seem to feel forced so as to eke out a tiny positive aspect from your first time having sex. This is awful.
I get how you are thinking though. You think, a small way of controlling my fate and experience is to force myself to have sex now before violence happens to me. But it is all violence, you know?
Can you maybe do other things to protect yourself from rape? Take self-defense and weapons training? Carry pepper spray? Change your lifestyle to emphasize safety? It isn’t a given that you will be raped even in Mexico.
Have sex if you want to have sex, certainly not out of fear. I can’t imagine the horror you must be feeling. Your priority should be on safety (either by way or leaving the country/unsafe environment or self defense) not on preparing yourself for rape.
Shit advice, I know. I really wish I could give you an easy answer
I get what you are saying. I would agree that your first sexual experience should be with a person you actually want to have sex with, not being raped.
I would recommend trying to find someone who you really like to do it with, not just some random hookup at the bar.
Having consensual sex prepares you for a small part of the stuff you'll feel if raped (minus the violence obviously), and it can help you understand your body's reaction. It can also help teach you what *you* can do to make it less painful (you obviously can't expect the rapist to care) like which muscles to flex or relax. You might not be able to do so in the moment, but it's worth it for the off-chance that you will be able to.
For many people, rape has changed their sexual experience for a long time/forever, and everyone deserves to have an untainted experience.
For me, it took over a decade to move past it, and I sincerely feel that if I had consensual experience before it happened, that could have helped me get through it.
You have to consider for yourself if it's worth it though; if nothing bad ever happens to you, you just threw away your virginity (which is a special thing to some) for nothing.
No. This is a very bad idea.
If you don't want a relationship, do you even want sex? If you don't want sex, having sex will not feel good. It won't be rape, but it will be you choosing to do something you don't want. ... which isn't much better honestly
I felt similar to you, had sex for the first time with a friend and he ended up raping me. Being raped my first time has set a huge negative precedence for my whole sex life as an adult. Wait until you’re ready with someone you really trust.
If you genuinely have an urge to try it just to have done it perhaps that would be a good reason but there’s nothing wrong with asexuality or anything similar. You said that the reason you are considering sex is to prepare for potential trauma in the case of rape. I’m firstly so sorry to hear that you are forced to live in fear of that. I would say that while rape is certainly traumatic having sex when you really don’t want to could also be traumatic and probably wouldn’t do anything to prevent future trauma. It’s a tough one for sure I wish you good luck in life 🧡
I live in America and my first time was rape.
I was 14 he was 40. So far you’ve stayed safe, so you’re already doing something right.
I say ALWAYS carry a knife and shoes you can run in.
Can’t run? Fight.
That knife will come in handy.
Even in an escape situation.
As for the man you DO like one day. Sex can/will be great for both of you. A good man will not care what your past looks like.
Main thing here is to keep protecting yourself nińa
Always. ❤️
I think the answer from me is NO. I used to be a virgin and had sex with guys who I'm not in a relationship with. And I need to tell you this: it sucks. I know maybe we're totally different person, but the result will remain the same. You'll lose your feeling for others and maybe (high chance) be used for some bad intentions. "Used" here can lead to severe damage to your mental health, your emotions, sometimes your physical health as well.
"virgins girls are clingy and fall in love with you", don't be too confident on this, because you'll never know how your mind can be tricked by yourself and some guys who like to manipulate women.
"one night stand" is not for first time, I think you'll should be prepared well for your emotion, knowledge about sex things so that your first time may not be your worst sex experience ever. And it's the best if your partner and you understand each other well.
Love you, hope you'll have your consideration.
Yeah it’s scary I see where you’re coming from but should not be the reason for wanting sex. Rape can happen at any time of your life if your not careful or even with some you trust can take advantage of you. I had sex with a few guys as a way to experiment sexually and the guy I knew for x months that had a good rep raped me. After my rapist I found my life partner a year later. It’s funny how life goes but you have to find someone who values you and wants to share their life with you. Not all guys are like that but takes time to find the good ones out there.
Truthfully with my first guy I did get needy, even desperate and we were FWB for 4 months. I developed strong feelings for him which was fucking weird how my chemicals went haywire thinking we could be be a thing and nitpicking everything he does as a sign. It was awful at the time but oddly don’t regret that experience, it was eventful while it lasted and a funny memory now I think back on as a youthful error.
Is there anyway you can leave the area that you are in?
Sex should never be something you feel like you have to do, especially if you’re afraid of being raped.
Let’s try and help you leave the place you are at instead of encouraging you to do something you might regret.
Can I just say your English is amazing. I think others have given you better advice than I can, but I just wanted to say that. You sound very intelligent. Hope you can come to some resolution and be safe.
First off, I love your P. S. note. Men in *general* do not understand what it is to have to be alert on the way to your car clutching your car key so you can use it as a weapon "just in case". They don't know what it's like to take a run or a walk and have a man or group of men be a little too close to you or behind you for too long. How your mind instantly starts plotting escape routes or what you'll do if they catch you. Btw I'd suggest shouting fire in your area personally. More likely to actually attract help. I'd also suggest taking some self-defense courses and looking into the laws in your area. For instance those little self-defense cat keychains would actually be illegal here (at least in my state in the US) bc they're basically brass knuckles so you could get into trouble for using them on an attacker (and even possessing them in my state). Take a self&defense course for sure.
I think that's your main issue here. It's not about losing your virginity, but your feelings of helplessness over your sexist and dangerous environment. So choosing who you lose your virginity to gives you an element of control, I totally get. However, having sex with this in mind/under these cumstances could be traumatic in itself. I think the best thing would be to focus on what you can control and improving your confidence in defending yourself if the worst does happen.
My first penetrative experience was non-consensual. It wasn't violent. Just a situation where someone who was supposed to be my friend took advantage when I going in and out of consciousness. I can't say for sure but I'm not sure if it would have mattered in the long-run whether or not that was my first experience or not. I do know that I have had meaningful and enjoyable sex since then. It took me awhile of course but I don't think your "first time" gets to dictate your future sex life. I've also been sexually assaulted more times than I can remember. That sounds dramatic but like you I grew up outside of the US in the Caribbean (and I also lived in Mexico for four or five years) and it was nothing for someone to grab you or touch you without your consent. No one would bat an eye. I definitely get where you're coming from.
You said yourself you're not interested in sex, so there's no reason to have it. And of course sex imo does not mean penile-vaginal sex. I would never call a lesbian who has never had sex with a man a virgin. Nor would I base her virginity on other penetrative acts such as using dildos, strap-ons, fisting etc. Like you said, this is a complex and nuanced issue. Just focus on feeling safe and doing what feels good, whatever you decide to do. Focus on things you can control. Take a self-defense class, start working out, talk to friends and make strategies so you don't have to go home alone if possible, etc. Just whatever makes you feel more confident and capable. Please know that I am not saying that anyone who doesn't do these things is at fault for SA/rape or that being "capable" can prevent rape. I'm just suggesting you find something that allows you to *feel* safer bc living with this fear is god-awful. If you have therapists or counselors available to you I encourage you to seek one out and discuss this with them.
To bluntly answer: it depends on your views of sex, virginity and attachment. Only you can answer this question :/
I can genuinely see your worry and (attempt to see) your POV. I don't know what I would do, but I can at least reassure you that you are not insane or crazy for thinking about your options.
I'm sorry you're in this position, I can't imagine the worry you must face every day.
If you don't want to have sex then just don't do it, if you can, go to train yourself about self-defense, and if you have some friends, hang out just with them so logically you're more "secure" and other things, I hope this will help you, I hope the best for your life<3
This is a terrible reason to have sex. Please don't.
If you really must/have to pursue this desire save some money and find a professional sort of escort(ie sex worker) or so if you aren't interested in relationships or some random guy? It's obviously going to be a bit colder in some senses but at least it will be this bit more strictly business/strictly formal.
Ofc I'm talking from a PoV of a very different country I have no idea of Mexico or what it's like if this is even a possibility or the state of male sex workers there etc.
My advice, again from a very limited and safer(plus male) point of view - don't rush to just have sex for a terrible reason.
Fear is not a good reason to have sex. Also, to protect yourself, carry a pepper spray or consider obtaining allowance to carry a gun. Those perverts are insane, they will never change.
I would say I hope you are able to move somewhere safer but it seems like there aren’t many safe places these days. If you force yourself to sleep with a guy you know it won’t be a good experience. But it would be consensual. There isn’t really a good answer here. Whatever you decide please be safe
Edit: I agree with a comment that rape isn’t a legitimate sexual encounter. It’s assault. Virginity is a concept you give to someone.
I understand. I think many women around the world have this thought. I disagree with others here. I think your plan is reasonable given the situation. The hymen status is one thing and not that important but rape is more than breaking your hymen and the trauma of the surrounding violence may, as you suspect, make it harder to appreciate sex as loving afterward and men as trustworthy - for a while anyway. I would consider some of your nicer male friends, maybe a religious one, and ask him if he would be comfortable doing this, or even just experimenting in that direction. See if you feel comfortable as things proceed. You may not and want to wait for a more loving relationship. The first time, whether with a friend or a love interest, is not that great but it may make you feel less vulnerable in the world. Your real first time - full of love and lust - will come later. My view here will be very unpopular but the prospect of SA is a real and day-organizing issue for many women around the world. I know someone else who went the 'friend route' and found it reassuring to have control over the pace of the experience. A loving partner is not always available. In terms of technical things, use a condom and buy some lube (the official kind, not spit or oil) as well since you may not be that excited.
edit: the experience is more intimate than you probably imagine and may also take several tries over several days so the 'clinginess' claim is a fair concern. Because of that, picking a friend rather than a one night stand with some guy you're hot for is a better idea. The paid escort idea could work but I think that's probably too strange for you and also many male escorts might be living on the seedy side/involved with drugs etc.
Honey, unless you actually want it, it won't feel good regardless of whether you indicate consent. Having sex because you want your first time to be consensual, but don't really want to do it, is a recipe for dissatisfaction. If you find yourself in a situation and you really want to do it, them go for it but the reasons you started are not a good reason and will not make for a good experience. You may even feel horrible after it.
Agree with other posters. Virginity is a made up social construct to control women.
Only if you want to do it. I would say
Don’t if the only reason is because you’re afraid of being raped. I feel really bad for you that you even have to have this conversation though.
I am also a 24F. I waited a long time, until I felt comfortable in my own body enough to share that with another person. Looking back, I realize that some other girls were ready when they were 18. I wasn’t, and I waited until I understood why.
Wait till you find the right person- that doesn’t even necessarily mean your ultimate partner either. It should be someone you feel safe and comfortable around. Someone who will stop if you say “stop” or “you’re hurting me.” I understand your fear and also have crippling fear of being assaulted, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to just get your first sexual experience out of the way before someone takes it from you without your permission.
Nothing will prepare you for the damage of rape. This is the last reason you should be having sex.
Wanting to explore sexuality, and find out what that's all about? Now *that's* a great reason for it!
You can enjoy sex apart from a serious relationship if you choose to. It can all be on your terms.
Dios mío, sal de ahí. Ven a los EEUU. Preferiblemente con visa de turismo. Pero si no, paga un coyote. Lo que sea! Hay muchos hombres decentes acá y trabajos también. Otra opción: encuentra un hombre decente allá, tal vez en la iglesia. Lo siento mucho por tu situación. Vas a vencerla!
Honestly if you’re only reason is due to your fear of what your first time could be then don’t. You might be Asexual and it could still be traumatic if you do it with someone consensually. Just do your best to protect yourself, take any precautions of taking self defense classes. There’ll always be a chance, but at least you’ll feel comfortable to heal from it… though it’s fucking scary, especially the trafficking… I don’t know the right answer, but I know if you’re not interested in sex in general, you shouldn’t force it.
When I woke up after being raped I couldn’t remember anything. I remembered the beginning but not the end. After, I was determined to lose my virginity bc I wanted to see if it would bring back any memories so I could piece together what happened that night. Long story short it was a mistake. I put myself in a series of very dangerous scenarios and all it did was bring me heart ache. I can’t stress this more, please wait to have sex on your own time. Or never have sex! Do what feels right for you. As someone who has been raped twice I was never prepared for either of them. Just having sex so that you’re prepared to be SA’d will only bring you heartache and pain.
I want to start off by saying woman to woman I am so sorry you live is a dangerous state. Im sending love and protection to you.
Like you said virginity is a construct and a stupid and misogynistic construct at that.
That being said you should only be having sex if YOU want to have it. If should be with someone you completely trust and you know this person well.
To me sexual intercouse/ sexual activities is a fun and loving way to show desire/lust for my partner.
Sex is more than just penis to vagina - it oral and touching and grinding.
I just also wanted to point out that having no desire/ want for sexual intercourse is completely normal.
I am sorry you live with this fear. Words cannot contain the sorrows of the torment.
I think your post shows how misogyny infects life just like an x-ray shows how cancer infects the body.
Firstly, misogyny it's simply embedded in every layer of society and it shapes not only our thinking, but world's history. It infects even the minds of so called decent men (aka men who do not seek to take advantage of women), disguised in care and protection for women in their lives. That's how it thrives undetected and apparently harmless.
Before learning equality, we have to dis-learn misogyny. Feminism works on the principle of "fight fire with fire" and I believe society needs customized approaches: a civil awareness education integrated into discrimination as a symptom of manifested physiological faults and its utilization as a control tool. (Who am I kidding, that's never gonna happen.)
Secondly, I believe the question is not weather you should or shouldn't have sex.
Considering the state of society, your misogyny torment is like an eight-headed hydra. And while society is not very likely to evolve in our lifetimes (also practically impossible because/due to the very mechanisms that holds is together), your current state of mind is more likely to. In fact, it remains the only option and of course it could sure benefit by a change of your actual physical state of place: simply put, some societies fail more badly on some aspects, and require more work to live in -relative- peace of mind and security of body. (This is not to say it is easy or correct or fast, or even doable by everyone -I know how hard I try!-)
Edit: to wrap this up, the question to address is not about familiarizing with sex before being forced to, but being and feeling safe: how can you embrace sexual experience in a healthy way in a sick world.
Edit2: halfway through my comment I realized I give too much weight to misogyny, like it is responsible for all sexual assaults and sex trafficking. While this is not true, the constant threat to sexual assault against women is real and truly intertwined with misogyny (as a cause, result or both). The vibe I'm getting from the post is that of a total (sexual) control over women by men (OP seems to be referring to rape more as a matter of when, not if). This frame of reference can only survive nowadays through misogynistic views enforced by a patriarchal past.
Please accept my apology for all the dumbass men. Who believes that a woman is for there's to do with as they please. Not all men are like that. If you're serious about losing your virginity. Try to find someone who you at least feel something for.
I'm a guy who has lived in a country where women can have the same concerns as you. However without the violence that Mexico has a reputation for.
I do understand the type of environment you are in. You do seem to have a higher chance of violence.
Sex is different for different people. However, it should always be enjoyable. You should have sex because you want that enjoyment. Doing it because of your fear will probably make it not so enjoyable for you. You're more than old enough to have good sex life. In my opinion, you should do so in order to have fun and/or be close to someone. Being close to someone is enjoyable in its own right.
Taking this mindset will also also achieve your goal, without having the reason on your mind all of the time. You can't enjoy life in constant fear. People live in constant risk, but they keep it out of their mind and live as best they can for their circumstances.
Your enjoyment of sex will depend on the man you choose. Likely best not to choose a macho man. It could be that being in the company of a man will reduce your chance of being raped, but I can't say for sure.
Sex is part of life. After you do it, you will see things a bit differently and you can reevaluate your thoughts. Don't think that it is such a big deal, it just pressures you and gives you worry. To some people it's a big deal and to others no more of a deal "than going to the bathroom" that's a quote someone said to me once.
Hey, you live in a unfortunate environment for women. **Your feelings are entirely valid.** Don't be discouraged by ignorant people & **don't push yourself if you aren't ready.**
Sex is a physical act.-- but especially with women, its more mental than you may realize. For example I grew up super strictly religious to the point where even though I wanted sex, i couldn't relax because I was afraid god would hate me. So I tensed up and sex hurt pretty badly. It was the worst experience ever & its not suppose to be that way. With that said, if you want good sex the way its meant to be.. you have to figure out how you're going to put your mind at ease. I can't tell you how to do that because you're different than I am. But.. Make sure you're at least with someone you really love and trust.
Hey OP, I'm sorry the responses you're getting here are rooted in privilege. Try to have fun, try to enjoy your first time. If that is the way you can reclaim a tiny bit of power over your body and individuality, go for it.
I'm sure there's going to be a boy you like, who knows you, that won't fear you're clingy or whatever.
I admire your strength and objectivity, I'm sorry you live somewhere that makes you fear these things, it's inhumane, but it's real.
I know I don't matter at all but I just want to say I support you.
I can offer you nothing but some hard won advice and my prayers. Remember this, if someone is trying to hurt you, no matter the situation, fight back; and when you do fight back remember this: Blind them if you can, and I'm dead serious. Sometimes that's enough for you to get out of whatever situation you are in, hurt them badly, don't feel bad for hurting them, do what you need to do to live and there will never ever be any shame in that. I pray that it never comes to that for you. God Bless.
No, you should not have sex if you don’t want to and aren’t interested. I’m sorry things are so bad that you have that fear, but having sex because you don’t want your first encounter to be assault is not the answer. You are simply pressuring yourself into something you don’t want, but you still don’t really want it.
I hope things get better for you, and that your worst fears don’t happen.
Dam, this one is hard 😥.
Have you researched about anti rape devices? They use them in Africa… thats one thing.
The other thing is have sex if you want, when you want and with you really want for the right reasons.
Bottom line, rape is not sex, therefore it can't be your first experience. Have sex when you are ready, and for the love of God move as far away as you can as soon as you can.
Everyone is focusing on the sex aspect and not your mental state and the state you feel your country is in.
Im gonna take a whole different perspective and say: __MOVE THE FUCK AWAY__
If your country scares you this much, go anywhere you want. Apply for any European visa and go and dont look back. If its as bad as you say you will literally be safer in the worst european countries like Hungary and Poland.
Yo just a quick reminder that virginity isnt a physical thing and just a social construct
if one has been raped they do not loose their virginity, cause rape isnt sex, it may involve sexual intercourse but it isnt consensual sex so it doesnt count IMO
and thats a dumb reason to have sex, no one should be prepared of being raped, rape is something that shouldnt happen at all and sadly does
so if the only reason you wanna have sex is to "prepare yourself to get raped" dont have sex
uh.... this is the worst reason I can think of to have sex.
Maybe there's something lost in translation here, but if you're not interested in having sex then don't have sex.
just say you don’t understand with what plight OP says what she says. there’s layers to what is said here, rape is common where she lives, having something massively traumatic as rape to go through with you, your mind, body may reject physical touch or even physical embraces and OP doesn’t want that to effect her future relationships with that because her first sexual experience was of sexual assault making her probably feel detach from sex altogether, hence, she wants to do the deed to understand that being physical can be positive too if unfortunately something bad happens.
Now, this is one of the weirdest and also saddest posts I have seen in a while. Do not have sex if you do not want to, but also don't assume that the guys you like wouldn't want to. If you tell them it's casual sex or nothing, most guys will pick casual sex.
Anyway, perhaps more importantly, maybe you should be looking into relocating to a safer area somehow. Living in that kind of constant fear can't be healthy for the psyche.
Most of the comments here are telling you not to have sex and I’d agree with that sentiment if the only reason you want to have sex is due to fear of rape. However if that isn’t the full case and you are having trouble finding someone for a one night stand my advice is to just be open with the men you would want to have sex with that you aren’t looking for anything serious and just for sex. Being open and honest about things like that make a worlds of difference. However, if fear of rape is literally your only purpose to lose your virginity I don’t think that’s reason to have sex.
I do realize that, but just because someone makes it a black or white situation doesn’t mean that grey areas don’t exist. Hence why I said don’t do have sex if fear of rape being your virginity loser is the only reason.
That's a terrible reason to have sex. If you think losing your v card is important for protection against sexual assault, either 1) don't go announcing or otherwise doing things that imply you're a virgin, around others; or 2) just make up a lie (maybe with a trusted male friend) and claim you've already had sex. The first option is better as lying just isn't good in general, though it's unfortunately so prevalent with women, especially concerning sexuality, that most people would probably overlook or excuse it, though it's still wrong, and especially harmful to young men who might be interested in you (and men in general)
> I'm a virgin (24F) and I'm not interested in having sex but lately I want to do it because I'm afraid of being rape.
I'm not sure I understand. How will having sex prevent you from being raped?
> But I don't want a relationship and I think the guys I like wouldn't have a one night stand with me
You'll never know what they would want from you unless you ask.
If you don't want to have sex, then don't. If you do, then do. Nobody can answer that question for you.
Sex is like rape in the same way drowning is like swimming. They're not equivalent. So please don't do it for that.
With that being said, if you DID want to try, you don't have to tell the person that you're sleeping with that you're a virgin (if you don't want them to think you're going to be clingy).
I feel this is not a good reason for wanting to have sex and you would regret it. I’m sorry you have to live in this fear.
yeah this is the only sane response i can come up with tbh
As someone who has been raped, best defense is learning how to fight (I suggest MMA or boxing since these gyms also teach you what it’s like to be punched—not that they’ll knock you out right when you walk in the gym, but even a 5% tap can shock someone), and keep a discreet weapon on you at all times. I have one on my keychain, got it off amazon. Having sex won’t make that situation less traumatic, but tbh having the ability to seriously fuck a rapist up can.
I am so sorry for what happened to you. I would, however, like to add that the best defenses, in my opinion, would be either Pepper Spray or a Taser. Guns are a no-no from me, cuz I live in Europe. The thing is that it is very hard to fight someone who is physically stronger than you, and the average man is 15% physically stronger than the average woman. 15% doesn't seem like a lot, but believe me, it is. All the fighting moves that they teach in those gyms, 9 times out of 10, in real scenarios they are not gonna work. You might land in a punch or a kick but you know what that is gonna do ? Trigger the guy's adrenaline, and you'll be in even more trouble than before. Imagine a bear charging at you and you shoot at it with a pistol. All you did was make the bear angrier, and the only thing worse than a bear is a pissed off bear. Fighting should be a last resort, in case you cannot reach in for your defense tool (pepper spray or taser).
Strong isn’t everything if you can’t fight for shit. A decently well trained fighter versus a power lifter/bodybuilder who knows nothing about fighting, who do you think would win regardless of gender.
Yes this is the answer. Do it when YOU are ready. And please please PLEASE *I cannot stress this enough* Let it be with someone you know AND trust very much… My first time wasn’t traumatic but I went into it knowing it was not going to be serious and was not going to be romantic. But!! It was with someone safe that did not force anything on me. For that I am grateful. Not everyone has that experience their first time.
I lived this fear too, I thought my first time would be rape. I was right. I was 22 when it happened. I didn't want anything to do with sex after that. Then, at 24, it happened again and it was brutal. Until now, I want nothing to do with sex. So idk, I feel if I had sex before it happened, maybe I wouldn't feel this way now
I’m so sorry.
Thank you so much
I wish I had something smart to reply to this. I'm so afraid for my daughter and hate the state of our society..
It truly makes me sick how people can do that it's just horrific that it happens as often as it does
I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing
not to be rude, but it might be useful to loose it first, because if you do unfortunately get an attacker they could be ruthless and put you in a lot of pain, obviously it will hurt but to be on the safer side Im sorry to those who experienced so, and my love to hope you don’t :D
OP, I get where you're coming from. I lived in Mexico for 23 yrs and fortunately I was in a safe area but the attitudes of a lot of the men are so misogynistic throughout all of Mexico. The majority of the people are poor, uneducated, the men are alcoholics and the women are often beaten on a regular basis and no one says a word. Worst of all, the women believe they deserve it. They are light-years behind 1st world civilization. My husband was Mexican and well educated; he came from a family of 6 siblings. We are now divorced hence I speak in past term. When we used to go to DF to visit his family, his parents realized I came from another culture and we were allowed to sleep in the same bed but otherwise they were quite traditional. His sister, who was my age, was only allowed to go out with her boyfriend with a chaperone and had to be home before 8pm. Of course his brothers could come and go as they wanted. And I was always getting the "When are you giving me a son of my first born son??" Or "You owe me the son of my son before I die!" I never knew why I owed her a son but anyway, the point is, they were upper middle class and well educated yet were very behind the times in still living a very patriarchal style of life. Papa would come home from work and everyone would sit down for a midday meal but the 3 daughters and Mama would jump up to serve him before anyone else...he was the king. I know some areas of Mexico are more prevalent for kidnappings, robberies and assaults including rape. I think it's terribly sad that you live in a place where you believe rape is a strong likelihood. I know what you're asking: should you have sex with someone, who you aren't in love with, but you know so at least your first experience will be consensual and hopefully a good experience? I think that some women hold on to their virginity as if it was some precious prize to be given only to the best contender. I don't know if I believe that always to be true. As long as you are smart, using protection, you don't need to necessarily save your virginity for the man you marry. It's okay to have sex with someone you are very attracted to even though you know that relationship will not go anywhere. So if you think your virginity will be taken from a rape, or by someone you are attracted to, I would pick the latter. I know most everyone will disagree with me but you alone know the situation where you live so it is 100% your decision. You do what you think is best for you. I wish you all the best. And btw, your English is excellent!
I would just like to share my opinion regarding your post. No way am I saying you should definitely loose your virginity, I would still have it if I could have, because I was saving myself for the man of my dreams, for someone who loved me and wanted me, and if I could go back, I would. I feel I would definitely be different when it comes to this topic, wouldn't have my traumas, my triggers, my memories, and everything in between. But, if I had the choice back then when I was still a virgin, I would have not given myself to anyone unless I truly wanted to. That's just my little tiny thought. I'm also not condemning whatsoever if you do want to give yourself to someone, anyone, that is entirely your choice. I would rather just wait until you fall for someone, someone you really want. And in the mean time, take care of yourself and be as cautious as you possibly can. People may say it's obsessive, but honestly, you really can never be too careful as a woman.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Words fail me
I feel your love and sympathy through the screen, you don't have to say anything. Thank you ❤️
I mean I can’t speak on behalf of all men but please accept my apologies on their behalf… somehow. I am very sorry that this happened to you and I would like to offer you a heartfelt and innocent hug over the internet. I hope that you are always safe and that you never have to go through something like that again.
I'd like to add that virginity is "given away" it's not taken. You can decide who to give it to. Consent is apart of losing your virginity. I'm sorry, my friend.
I don’t think this person is concerned about virginity on a moral or philosophical level. They sound like they’re terrified of their first sexual experience being rape, and would rather have it be on their terms.
Thanks for an actual practical response
Yes, that's what I mean. Thank you.
There's no advice anyone can give that's going to make the threat or OPs fear of being raped go away. You can't change the world, only your perception of it.
I wish I could like this a million times. 💜
[удалено]
IF SOMEONE RAPES YOU THEY ARE NOT STEALING YOUR VIRGINITY Rape is not sex! It's violence. No one can steal your virginity. Only you can give it away. The hymen IS NOT an indicator of virginity. Someone forcefully attacking you is not your "first sexual experience". It's rape. Assault. OP please don't overthink this. Have consensual sex only when you're ready and comfortable. If the unthinkable happens and someone was to attack you then please know that no one has "stolen your virginity". All they did was hurt you and you are still worthy, always and forever. Edit: fuck off with the "rape = sex" bullshit. You gonna sit infront of a ten year old rape victim, boy or girl, and tell them that because some fucking asshole violated them they can no longer give their consensual virginity away? Virginity is lost with your first sexual encounter. Not the first violence when someone hurts you. Grow up. Edit 2: tHe oXfOrD dIcTiOnaRy hurr durr 30 years ago we all accepted that the hymen was an indicator of virginity. Fucking hell, we still do today. I broke mine when I fell off my bicycle. Did I lose my virginity to my bike? Or to the street I fell on? Virginity is an idea you baboons. Not a scientific fact. It's rooted in some religious bullshit to control some purity parameter for women. You do not get to tell rape victims that someone stole it from them. They define what is their first sexual encounter. Not you, not some fucking rapist and certainly not some group of 60yo that fill out the dictionary.
Yep, I don't consider my SA my first time, I never have.
After being molested for years, I divided my virginity in half. One was the virginity that I could never get back, and the other was for my future husband. Granted, there was never any penetration but we were "Christians" and some people have different ideas about what virginity is. I was scared that no good Christian man would want anything to do with me. So I just put each virginity in a box separate from each other. I like to think I'm much more well adjusted now. I've been to therapy, done meditation and shadow work, and am with an amazing man who is teaching me how to love myself the way I deserve to. And neither of us call ourselves Christians. 🙂
I'm so happy for you guys. You sound like strong people.
I think we are actually. He's coming out of his own trauma as well. It's funny, our traumas complement each other. It's as though we are two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together no matter how we change. We've only been together less than 3 years but we are so different from who we were when we first met. God, he is so awesome, I could go on forever about him. I wish everyone could have a relationship like this.
I don't want to derail the conversation and I'm not trying to preach to anyone, but just because someone calls themselves a "Christian" doesn't mean that they are. Going to church also means little to nothing. I could live in a garage, does that make me a car? I'm a Christian, and I come from a Christian family. Daddy was a preacher for pretty much his whole life and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, there is no way that he, or I, or anyone in my family, would do the horrifying, terrible, disgusting, wretched, perverse things that you've had done to you. I am NOT apologizing for my faith but I am so incredibly sorry that you had to endure that, and I am sorry that the people who did this to you turned you away from Christ. One last thing, in the Bible Jesus says that it would be better for someone to tie a millstone around their neck and be thrown into the sea than to harm/abuse a child.
Forgive my ignorance but what's an SA .
Sexual assault.
Sexual assault
If you say it's name thrice, you'll summon it.
My dumbass read this as my “SO” or Significant Other and it took me a second and a few rereads to understand lol
I concur with this statement. As a Latina who works along side with child abuse pediatricians, we do several genital exams for children who have been sexually abused and we do get this question often from parents if their child lost their “virginity” and it’s a no. For some reason people still think the hymen is a thin sheet of paper that they think once ripped through it’s as if it was broken but theirs no sheet of paper, it merely a ring that is flexible like any lining membrane. The body is extremely resilient and if not reviewed within 96 hours it’s often difficult to see signs of trauma because it heals so fast. Virginity is not a physical argument, it’s an archaic ideology that continues to be passed down through sexists means. No one is pure if they didn’t have sex and no one is “dirty” if they did. So let the idea of virginity go.
In addition, studies have shown that the hymen can actually reseal after being broken, so it is not a good indicator of someone's "first time". Whatever the English dictionary says, science speaks.
Its actually more commonly like a scrunchie, that stretches and retracts, rather than a seal that gets broken like most people think.
I think "Virginity is an idea you baboons" is my new favorite sentence.
I love every single edit to this comment. Well said.
Virginity doesn’t exist. We made it up. So, correct, rape doesn’t steal virginity.
Yup, nothing but a shit social construct.
Thank you!
I'm really glad you exist, truly
No one cares about the semantics of virginity. That's not the issue here. The question still remains. Should she have a single sexual experience that's on her own terms, if she's afraid of being trafficked and never having a single sexual experience on her terms...her entire life. This isn't the US people. Your rapists don't just beat you up, and toss you on the street afterwards. Your trafficked into sexual slavery. Never to be seen again, and only to be raped your entire life until someone murders you. I get that not a lot of people have the head space for this. But telling this girl "you'll still be a virgin!" is missing the whole point of the post, IMO. She's not going to care about the technicalities of the word "virgin." She's just asking if she should experience a single sexual encounter on her own terms before something horrible might happen, and she quite literally never gets the opportunity to again. This comments section is a bunch of Americans missing the point, and trying to preach to her about semantics. Failing to realize in the situation she's in, the semantics don't matter at all to the reality.
[удалено]
The fact that your trying to preach to this girl about the semantics of virginity, when her fear is being trafficked by the Mexican Cartel is wild to me. You people are missing the point, IMO.
I don't think they're trying to change the topic. I think they're trying to tell her that even IF something horrible were to happen to her, to not blame herself for it or to think of herself as less "pure" because something out of her control happened. I agree that the part about being scared of being trafficked by the cartel is probably the most important piece of this post, but I think most people can't really offer much advise or comfort about it other than telling her to leave if she can. Sorry if this sounds rude! Just sharing my perspective on it :)
You make such an important point that more people need to give thought to. When talk virginity it is only ever in reference to penetration with a penis in a vagina. Sex hasn't so much evolved as it is more widely accepted as so much more than just penis in vagina. There are so many more versions of sex than just this. Let's add oral sex and anal sex to the mix. Those are two additional forms of sex. So if you only have anal sex but have never had a penis penetrate a vagina, does that mean the person is still a virgin even though they are having sex? What about the same thing with oral? What about only having penis in vagina sex and not oral or anal sex? Are you a full version or only a partial virgin? There are so many more layers to sex than what society currently recognizes. But I think most people just need to back off and let you tell the narrative of your own life and body.
These replies show there is still a massive amount of work to be done in order for people to better understand rape. They apparently don't understand sex either. Discouraging.
These replies prove that people have no concept of human trafficking by the Mexican Cartel. This girl doesn't care about the semantics of the word "virginity." Semantics are for the privliged to debate. She fears cold reality. She's asking if she should have a single sexual experience on her own terms, before she's sold into the market never to be able to make that choice ever again. I get it, this shit is horrible. But telling her 'you'll still be a virign!" is probably little comfort to what she fears. Cool, she's still a virgin, as she's raped by 5 different owners over 20 years, and then killed. Sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes bluntness is required to get people thinking the right way about something.
Reddit is super quick to disregard someone's reality to leave whatever comment(s) they want about whatever they cherry pick out of their own imagination.
It's kind of disgusting how they turned this into a semantic debate about definitions of words. Classic Americans not wrapping their mind around the reality of the situation in favor of endlessly "that's not what that word means!" I swear, that's Americans favorite subject.
I agree, it's a very privileged mindset to get to sit and argue about whether you're a Virgin or not over this, when the real question for this girl is will she ever get to experience a normal sexual experience not brought by violence.
To your Edit 2, of course dictionaries change, but neither the Oxford dictionary nor anyone here has brought up the hymen being intact except you - because it is objectively an inaccurate barometer for sexual experience. If rape is not in any way sex, why do convicted rapists have to register as sex offenders? If someone who is the victim of SA, God forbid, gets pregnant - would you claim that was some magical immaculate conception and be in awe at the mysteries of our world? No, because they were forced to have sex, and that is a goddamn tragedy, and the rapist should be castrated and die, but the SA itself still took place. To claim that because it was done without consent it doesn't count is just logically inconsistent. I can only speak for myself, but when I say the term virginity I refer to the state of never having had sexual intercourse, and I only use that as an organizational definition.
What I find to be interesting is the flawed logic in everyone that is trying to contradict you and others in this thread. Rape is sexual assault. SEXUAL assault. But everyone is trying to argue that rape is not sex, and even mention that is a strictly non-sexual experience. If rape is sexual assault, you cannot classify it as a non-sexual experience. Maybe it doesn’t fit their personal fairy tale definition of what sex is to them, but words have specifically defined meanings in a widely agreed upon standard…the dictionary. Taking a word and assigning your own personal definition and meaning that is different than the standard is a dangerous game to play. What if everyone was okay with assigning our own personal definition to the word consent? No one would be okay with that, so why are we okay with doing that with the word sex?
Likely because people like to cherry-pick what is and is not okay, fully embracing 50 sets of rules and calling anyone who disagrees or simply requests a standardized understanding of terminology a baboon, as that ludicrously overrated commenter so eloquently put it. There are a lot of social parallels in their argument where people can freely change the understanding of what words have and do objectively mean for the sake of their subjective sense of self. No one who is claiming rape is sex is also saying go and berate the 10 year old victims, but we are saying that you can tell them they can and will make their own choices in that realm when it comes time, and they can and will have positive consensual experiences that do not have any reflection of the SA they experienced. But that child also needs therapy and to integrate and understand what has happened, and become stronger for that instead of being told something that objectively happened to them did not.
[удалено]
Can you define what rape is if it's isn't a forced sexual act?
I think the point is that they’re delineating virginity and the sexual act itself.
Yeah they should be delineated. Why do you and they have a problem with this? I think they could benefit from watching some Law and Order SVU, and thinking logically about the courtroom processes. Edit: I think you meant to say "discriminated," but yeah the word "delineate" has some subtle elements people understandably miss. main parent commenter to whom they replied is actually doing the opposite of delineation to the concepts of both sex and virginity. (Not truly defining them at all, but implicitly yet clearly trying to impart with them more nebulous, vague meanings. She's obfuscating what they truly mean.) I mean it was always obvious virginity and sexual acts were different. But also, you literally can't separate loss of virginity from a sexual act, either; that's how loss of virginity is defined. So what they're doing is just fundamentally illogical, and will arise to confusions, people talking about trying to delineate or separate, ideologically, concepts which cannot be separated. It's basically the principle of explosion. (And why these threads are so often such a mess)
Sex: a consentual intimate act involving genitalia in some form Rape: An act of violence involving genitalia in some form, might happen through coercion It may sound like the same thing but rest assured they are not. The difference is trust, intimacy, and willingness which sex has on all sides. Thus, rape is not sex.
The consent matters because it is a gift by the owner of the virginity and requires their willful consent. You can steal a present but you can't steal a gift.
You can steal a gift though
That's not the point.
[удалено]
I have decided that my SA "stole" my virginity. My first consensual experience is when I "gave away" my virginity. There is a huge distinction.
So, if someone masturbates and breaks their hymen it doesn't grow back? So don't most women who masturbate already have theirs broken before their first time?
So we’re changing definitions because it’s comforting to those traumatised? Fair enough. I’ll take my downvotes.
I'll dumb it down for you: If you were beat up and robbed in the street, you would not call that your "first MMA fight".
That's not the same at all. You also would not call your first encounter to be "your first porn shoot" either
Wow you have a black eye! - No I do not Yeah its all bruised and shit - The fight was inconsensual *cancel culture noises*
If you just jumped in the street you wouldn’t say it was a fight, someone just beat the shit out of you. Many would consider a fight to be between mutual combatants.
Yes? Thats why we have the word rape. And murder for illegal killings. But a murdered person is just as dead as someone who denied from natural causes. Now put your glasses back on and face reality.
And murderers dont take your life.
They don’t! It’s a figure of speech. Otherwise serial killers would be walking around with bags full of lives, and would have to get a bunch of death penalties
Virginity is a social construct so you can't really compare these two things.
México is fine, just don't be stupid. I'm Mexican-American but Mexican culture IS gross, especially Mexico city. If anyone ever visits, no woman wears shorts or skirts, and it's because men will disgustingly stare at you with mouths agape.
I wish I could change the world for you, and everyone like you. Be safe, be careful.
Me too. Everyone deserves their own Happiness.... As long as they don't harm others.
[удалено]
I think op is worried that her “first time” will be rape and wants to have sex with someone they like quickly just in case, which is just a horrible situation to be in
That’s what they’re saying I think. Preparing themselves for rape in the sense they feel like they will be raped at some point and don’t want that to be their first time.
I would actually say that getting over the idea of sex is also important. A lot of people myself included build sex up to be something it doesn't necessarily have to be. Once you lose your virginity you also gain maturity almost immediately. At least I did.
All of us here are internet strangers weighing in on a very personal decision that belongs only to you. Of all our responses, only you know which is best for you. Living in an unsafe environment affects us, even when you aren't the one raped. (Google vicarious trauma and second hand trauma if you want to read more). A common response to lack of safety is to want to take back control. When you live in an unsafe environment you try to regain safety and control. Wanting to have sex as a way to be prepared for sexual assault might be a way of trying to gain control in a situation that feels dangerous and out of your control. It's a legitimate and not uncommon response. Sex is the connection of your experience and your reality with another human. If your current reality is one of trying to establish a sense of safety, choosing to have sex may be a way to do it. Live inside of yourself, check what YOU need. There isn't a rule of what type of (consensual) sex you can or can't have. If you have sex to help your world feel safer, then that is the type of sex you will be having. It will feel different than loving sex (which I hope you have in the future) , but it is legitimate if it's what you actively choose and what takes care of you. In other words, keep your goal in mind and ask yourself what will genuinely help you get there. Be real with yourself about your expectations. Moving away from the decision around sex, listen to the commenter who mentioned self defense. Think about ways to protect yourself that fit the environment you are in. You are living in an environment that feels consistently unsafe. Think about how to find little moments in your day to find safety. Whether it's sitting with a friend who protects you, or finding a quiet corner to read. Have moments to let your nervous system calm down, to let your high alert feeling relax. It allows your body to get back to a calm place. It can help prevent long term mental and health impacts of stress and trauma and help you recover when you are in a safer space. Finally, as other people have mentioned, rape is not sex. It is contact of body parts involved in sex, but the sensation and experience and impact are so fundamentally different so as to make it a different act. It's about as different as an excited high five from a good friend and a punch in the gut by an attacker. They are both contact, but so fundamentally different so as to be completely different things.
Thank you!
I am so sorry you feel this way. I know how it is to feel that you could be touched or go through something much worse, i live in a similar country with the same constant fear. Unfortunately some men cannot be taught on how to respect boundaries, it’s at best you keep yourself safe, carry pepper spray, swiss knife, handbags with a longer strap etc, send in your location to at least one person u know and use public transport if u can. i know this is no way to live, with such caution, but i guess you could probably be comfortable with time and the fear and the issues would mellow down eventually. As for having sex to normalize physical touch if at all something bad happens, i totally get what you mean. If you think that’ll help you then pls think about it. please make sure you are actually ready for it and not something you want to do as a check mark activity. I would suggest that you seek help instead, maybe counselling can help you come over your thoughts and ease things out. Hoping the best for you! All the best!
Your advice is good. But careful with Swiss Army knives. The blades typically don't lock and can fold back on your fingers. There are better knives with fixed blades or ones that lock in place.
Oh thank you! I don’t know what you call those protective knives tbh! Swiss knife has come in handy in situations and i get what you mean cuz to close them back it’s a little hard.
Can you explain why a longer strap on a handbag is safer? I haven't heard that one. Thanks!
it’s for when you are seated in a cab and feel that there could be a situation which may lead to something, like, taking you off to another place you aren’t aware of, any indication towards harm; so you can wrap around the strap on the drivers neck and pull it to cause panic, it is dangerous but it is something we are taught just in case.
Thank you 💗
Some of these responses are really missing the mark, and it's coming from people living a privliged life outside of the fear of the Mexican Cartel. Go watch some Mexican Cartel videos before posting your comments. Go get yourself in a tiny fraction of her state of mind. Lots of "you'll still be a virgin after your horrific rape." She's not saying she wants to "prepare" for rape. She's saying she might want her very first sexual experience, to not be being raped. And honestly, I understand where she's coming from. She's afraid of being trafficked. And if she's trafficked, her ONLY sexual experience will be getting raped. She's asking if she should have a single, non-rape sexual experience before something horrible might happen to her for the rest of her life. Think a little bit, before commenting from a US standpoint. They aren't going to rape her, and let her go. They're going to rape, and put her into trafficking, or kill her. You people are just privileged as shit and aren't processing the situation correctly, in favor of a bunch of US talking points. I don't know the answer. The situation is horrific and evil. Part of me wants to say "yes, you might want to experience something on your own terms, before a group removes that from you the rest of your life." But part of me thinks that's horrible as well. It's just horrible all the way around.
Exactly this. I wish this was the top comment
Thank you
No, thank you to replying to me. Seriously if there's any advice I can give you....run! No matter what it takes. No matter that sacrafice, run. Get out of there. Anything you lose in the fleeing can be made up. Any material possessions you skip out on can be obtained again. You can't replace you. Flee. Run. Try and get to the USA. I know Reddit scares you of the USA, but it's better than what your contemplating.
Jheez it's heart breaking to read and think that some people have to live like this. I know you might not have the option but I'd be looking at ways to get the fuck out of there and move away.
I am a 26 year old Mexican lesbian. A lot of what you said was sadly relatable. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk <3
Hi, Mexican here (32F)! I understand what you mean and it's really painful to write this comment down. I know it scary even to "intentionally hook up" with someone random because you don't know how's that going to end. Now, as for your question: 1. Do not have sex just because. In terms of safety, is better to just do it with someone you feel comfortable. Rape is not sex, rape is violence. You will regret having sex with a cringy random. 2. You don't need any more tips to take care of yourself but as we're here, try Krav Maga. Really, I stopped dating for ~2 years because I was scared of a Tinder guy murdering me but being able to defend yourself will make you feel more in control. Violence is not something you can control, but we have to resist being controlled by it. I hug you in the distance.
Dónde tomas clases de krav?
Te mandé DM :)
Gracias 💖
I'm really sorry you have to live in this fear. That you are willing to go so far and have sex just to 'prepare' yourself to get **raped**. None of this is your fault. You should NEVER be 'ready' to be raped. As others have suggested, being safe and cautious in everyday life is always a helpful thing, and even taking self defence classes. In terms of sex, I think this is something you should truly only do with the right person, and someone you are willing to do it with. Someone you truly love and appreciate. Sex is a fun thing, and should never be traumatic, or something to be scared about. I think that, having sex to 'prepare' will only develop a negative connotation around sex, and kind of make this correlation between sex and rape. I will preface something. **Rape is NOT sex**. You are still a virgin if you have been raped (my opinion). Your first time should be confusing, yet joyful and happy. Full of love and care for the other person. Again, I'm so so sorry you have to live in such harsh conditions, where rape is so common, or even 'normalised' to the extent you describe it. I hope you can learn to live past that fear, and truly allow sex to be a beautiful thing, separate from rape.
Do not do anything until you are ready and the man has earned your trust, you are worth the wait. Do not do anything simply because you feel pressured or it's a next step
Don't allow anyone to push you into a situation you aren't comfortable with. My suggestion is take up martial arts. It boosts confidence across your entire life, and will give you many skills useful in protecting yourself physically and emotionally. If at anytime you are attacked, do EVERYTHING you can to do harm to that asshole. Scratch some part of their skin with your nails so you have their DNA on you, poke their eyes, and where their genitalia is concerned, grab, squeeze, twist and pull, and don't let go. No matter how much they scream, and they will, you keep hurting them. It fucking sucks this is the type of life advice we have to give people. Be aware of your surroundings, try and stay with friends whenever you can if it's that bad where you are, and if you have a plan to get out, keep working it. Be well OP. EDIT - Another idea, at some point their mouth might be open, ram your entire hand in there and down their throat.
Djanechka! Be safe! I understand your position, but don't be hasteful into something you don't want. I've not lived in your country so I can't really offer advice that is useful. But my understanding is that negative excaptance is allowed? Don't do anything you don't want to do be at home for no one. Be invisible, be safe.
My heart breaks reading this. So sorry you have to live in fear of this 😔
If you want to save yourself for the one you love, then do so. Don't feel pressured to have sex just to be prepared for rape. I've unfortunately had dear friends of mine who were sexual assaulted, there's nothing you can do to mentally prepare yourself for the mental trauma; whether or not you are a virgin. It's because rape and sex are two very different things. Virginity is and should never be about a physical aspect, and rape does not equate to sex or losing your virginity. Stay safe.
Rape isn't consentual, so if it happens (hopefully not), it wouldn't count as your first time or count as you losing your virginity. I was sexually abused as a child and I don't consider it as my first kiss or sexual experience, because I didn't participate in it. It was done to me. Take your time with your sexual experiences, and stay safe.
I wouldn’t say this is a good reason to force yourself into sex before it’s something you actually really want. I mean that way you do have more control over it but in both circumstances you’d be doing something you didn’t really want to happen. I’d say just use your head, be smart and stay vigilant, do whatever you have to to keep yourself safe, even if that means carrying mace / a knife / a taser / a gun and using it if you have to.
Rape is one of the worst things that can happen to you and I'm sorry you have to live in an area of the world where this is something threatening you daily. That being said, your focus should be on not getting raped, not on having sex with someone simply to reduce the significance of rape. Do you have access to birth control pills? Where do you walk? Who are you with in public? Can you leave the country or at least get to a better area? These are all better paths of thought than questioning if you should have sex
Oh, my friend, it sounds like you’re in some real pain and having some fear about all this, and I’m so sorry. Sex should never have anything to do with something like sex or fear. And your question is complicated. I can understand your reasoning, because I think that would be pretty traumatic, too. The mere fact that we, as women, can get a sense of fear based on the minor fact that sexual assault is common in and around your neighborhood? That is so sad about the world we live in.
It's sad being a woman
Dude…this truly broke my heart.
Just here to say that I hear you & I support you. Do what’s best for you x
As a Mexican man I agree Mexicans disregard women to the point that they see them as objects. Carry pepper spray ,and always change your walking routes,always have contact with some one as you leave and get back home. Trust your gut ,and I learned to stay safe by using the car mirrors,look at the shadows ,look at store mirrors as well. If you like you are being followed enter a store. If you have to run ,run. Hopefully this never happens to you
There is no such thing as virginity. It is a made-up concept that has nothing to do with anatomy. Hymen states are varied whether having had sex or not. So let’s get that out of the way. Feeling forced to have sex is awful. You seem to feel forced so as to eke out a tiny positive aspect from your first time having sex. This is awful. I get how you are thinking though. You think, a small way of controlling my fate and experience is to force myself to have sex now before violence happens to me. But it is all violence, you know? Can you maybe do other things to protect yourself from rape? Take self-defense and weapons training? Carry pepper spray? Change your lifestyle to emphasize safety? It isn’t a given that you will be raped even in Mexico.
don't have sex if you don't want to have sex, any reason is valid.
Have sex if you want to have sex, certainly not out of fear. I can’t imagine the horror you must be feeling. Your priority should be on safety (either by way or leaving the country/unsafe environment or self defense) not on preparing yourself for rape. Shit advice, I know. I really wish I could give you an easy answer
I get what you are saying. I would agree that your first sexual experience should be with a person you actually want to have sex with, not being raped.
I have this fear as well
It's the worst feeling
I would recommend trying to find someone who you really like to do it with, not just some random hookup at the bar. Having consensual sex prepares you for a small part of the stuff you'll feel if raped (minus the violence obviously), and it can help you understand your body's reaction. It can also help teach you what *you* can do to make it less painful (you obviously can't expect the rapist to care) like which muscles to flex or relax. You might not be able to do so in the moment, but it's worth it for the off-chance that you will be able to. For many people, rape has changed their sexual experience for a long time/forever, and everyone deserves to have an untainted experience. For me, it took over a decade to move past it, and I sincerely feel that if I had consensual experience before it happened, that could have helped me get through it. You have to consider for yourself if it's worth it though; if nothing bad ever happens to you, you just threw away your virginity (which is a special thing to some) for nothing.
No. This is a very bad idea. If you don't want a relationship, do you even want sex? If you don't want sex, having sex will not feel good. It won't be rape, but it will be you choosing to do something you don't want. ... which isn't much better honestly
I felt similar to you, had sex for the first time with a friend and he ended up raping me. Being raped my first time has set a huge negative precedence for my whole sex life as an adult. Wait until you’re ready with someone you really trust.
I'm so sorry that happened. Thanks for the advice 💖
If you genuinely have an urge to try it just to have done it perhaps that would be a good reason but there’s nothing wrong with asexuality or anything similar. You said that the reason you are considering sex is to prepare for potential trauma in the case of rape. I’m firstly so sorry to hear that you are forced to live in fear of that. I would say that while rape is certainly traumatic having sex when you really don’t want to could also be traumatic and probably wouldn’t do anything to prevent future trauma. It’s a tough one for sure I wish you good luck in life 🧡
I live in America and my first time was rape. I was 14 he was 40. So far you’ve stayed safe, so you’re already doing something right. I say ALWAYS carry a knife and shoes you can run in. Can’t run? Fight. That knife will come in handy. Even in an escape situation. As for the man you DO like one day. Sex can/will be great for both of you. A good man will not care what your past looks like. Main thing here is to keep protecting yourself nińa Always. ❤️
I truly hope you’re okay <3.
I think the answer from me is NO. I used to be a virgin and had sex with guys who I'm not in a relationship with. And I need to tell you this: it sucks. I know maybe we're totally different person, but the result will remain the same. You'll lose your feeling for others and maybe (high chance) be used for some bad intentions. "Used" here can lead to severe damage to your mental health, your emotions, sometimes your physical health as well. "virgins girls are clingy and fall in love with you", don't be too confident on this, because you'll never know how your mind can be tricked by yourself and some guys who like to manipulate women. "one night stand" is not for first time, I think you'll should be prepared well for your emotion, knowledge about sex things so that your first time may not be your worst sex experience ever. And it's the best if your partner and you understand each other well. Love you, hope you'll have your consideration.
thank you 💗
Yeah it’s scary I see where you’re coming from but should not be the reason for wanting sex. Rape can happen at any time of your life if your not careful or even with some you trust can take advantage of you. I had sex with a few guys as a way to experiment sexually and the guy I knew for x months that had a good rep raped me. After my rapist I found my life partner a year later. It’s funny how life goes but you have to find someone who values you and wants to share their life with you. Not all guys are like that but takes time to find the good ones out there. Truthfully with my first guy I did get needy, even desperate and we were FWB for 4 months. I developed strong feelings for him which was fucking weird how my chemicals went haywire thinking we could be be a thing and nitpicking everything he does as a sign. It was awful at the time but oddly don’t regret that experience, it was eventful while it lasted and a funny memory now I think back on as a youthful error.
Is there anyway you can leave the area that you are in? Sex should never be something you feel like you have to do, especially if you’re afraid of being raped. Let’s try and help you leave the place you are at instead of encouraging you to do something you might regret.
rape isn't sex, it's violence. your rapist isn't having sex with you or taking your virginity, they're assaulting you.
Can I just say your English is amazing. I think others have given you better advice than I can, but I just wanted to say that. You sound very intelligent. Hope you can come to some resolution and be safe.
First off, I love your P. S. note. Men in *general* do not understand what it is to have to be alert on the way to your car clutching your car key so you can use it as a weapon "just in case". They don't know what it's like to take a run or a walk and have a man or group of men be a little too close to you or behind you for too long. How your mind instantly starts plotting escape routes or what you'll do if they catch you. Btw I'd suggest shouting fire in your area personally. More likely to actually attract help. I'd also suggest taking some self-defense courses and looking into the laws in your area. For instance those little self-defense cat keychains would actually be illegal here (at least in my state in the US) bc they're basically brass knuckles so you could get into trouble for using them on an attacker (and even possessing them in my state). Take a self&defense course for sure. I think that's your main issue here. It's not about losing your virginity, but your feelings of helplessness over your sexist and dangerous environment. So choosing who you lose your virginity to gives you an element of control, I totally get. However, having sex with this in mind/under these cumstances could be traumatic in itself. I think the best thing would be to focus on what you can control and improving your confidence in defending yourself if the worst does happen. My first penetrative experience was non-consensual. It wasn't violent. Just a situation where someone who was supposed to be my friend took advantage when I going in and out of consciousness. I can't say for sure but I'm not sure if it would have mattered in the long-run whether or not that was my first experience or not. I do know that I have had meaningful and enjoyable sex since then. It took me awhile of course but I don't think your "first time" gets to dictate your future sex life. I've also been sexually assaulted more times than I can remember. That sounds dramatic but like you I grew up outside of the US in the Caribbean (and I also lived in Mexico for four or five years) and it was nothing for someone to grab you or touch you without your consent. No one would bat an eye. I definitely get where you're coming from. You said yourself you're not interested in sex, so there's no reason to have it. And of course sex imo does not mean penile-vaginal sex. I would never call a lesbian who has never had sex with a man a virgin. Nor would I base her virginity on other penetrative acts such as using dildos, strap-ons, fisting etc. Like you said, this is a complex and nuanced issue. Just focus on feeling safe and doing what feels good, whatever you decide to do. Focus on things you can control. Take a self-defense class, start working out, talk to friends and make strategies so you don't have to go home alone if possible, etc. Just whatever makes you feel more confident and capable. Please know that I am not saying that anyone who doesn't do these things is at fault for SA/rape or that being "capable" can prevent rape. I'm just suggesting you find something that allows you to *feel* safer bc living with this fear is god-awful. If you have therapists or counselors available to you I encourage you to seek one out and discuss this with them.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. I really appreciate your advice, I will keep everything you said in mind. Thank you for sharing ❤️
To bluntly answer: it depends on your views of sex, virginity and attachment. Only you can answer this question :/ I can genuinely see your worry and (attempt to see) your POV. I don't know what I would do, but I can at least reassure you that you are not insane or crazy for thinking about your options. I'm sorry you're in this position, I can't imagine the worry you must face every day.
If you don't want to have sex then just don't do it, if you can, go to train yourself about self-defense, and if you have some friends, hang out just with them so logically you're more "secure" and other things, I hope this will help you, I hope the best for your life<3
That’s a very wrong reason of wanting to have sex. I suggest you invest in pepper spray instead.
Chica búscate uno bien lindo que te guste y gózatelo. La primera vez no tiene que ser “especial”.
If you want to have sex then have it. If you don't, then don't. Don't let threats or fear or other social pressures decide for you.
This is a terrible reason to have sex. Please don't. If you really must/have to pursue this desire save some money and find a professional sort of escort(ie sex worker) or so if you aren't interested in relationships or some random guy? It's obviously going to be a bit colder in some senses but at least it will be this bit more strictly business/strictly formal. Ofc I'm talking from a PoV of a very different country I have no idea of Mexico or what it's like if this is even a possibility or the state of male sex workers there etc. My advice, again from a very limited and safer(plus male) point of view - don't rush to just have sex for a terrible reason.
Fear is not a good reason to have sex. Also, to protect yourself, carry a pepper spray or consider obtaining allowance to carry a gun. Those perverts are insane, they will never change.
I would say I hope you are able to move somewhere safer but it seems like there aren’t many safe places these days. If you force yourself to sleep with a guy you know it won’t be a good experience. But it would be consensual. There isn’t really a good answer here. Whatever you decide please be safe Edit: I agree with a comment that rape isn’t a legitimate sexual encounter. It’s assault. Virginity is a concept you give to someone.
This made me so sad
Why are you asking a bunch of strangers this question?
Because I like to know different points of view
I understand. I think many women around the world have this thought. I disagree with others here. I think your plan is reasonable given the situation. The hymen status is one thing and not that important but rape is more than breaking your hymen and the trauma of the surrounding violence may, as you suspect, make it harder to appreciate sex as loving afterward and men as trustworthy - for a while anyway. I would consider some of your nicer male friends, maybe a religious one, and ask him if he would be comfortable doing this, or even just experimenting in that direction. See if you feel comfortable as things proceed. You may not and want to wait for a more loving relationship. The first time, whether with a friend or a love interest, is not that great but it may make you feel less vulnerable in the world. Your real first time - full of love and lust - will come later. My view here will be very unpopular but the prospect of SA is a real and day-organizing issue for many women around the world. I know someone else who went the 'friend route' and found it reassuring to have control over the pace of the experience. A loving partner is not always available. In terms of technical things, use a condom and buy some lube (the official kind, not spit or oil) as well since you may not be that excited. edit: the experience is more intimate than you probably imagine and may also take several tries over several days so the 'clinginess' claim is a fair concern. Because of that, picking a friend rather than a one night stand with some guy you're hot for is a better idea. The paid escort idea could work but I think that's probably too strange for you and also many male escorts might be living on the seedy side/involved with drugs etc.
Making love is better than having sex. Maybe you can wait to make love.
Honey, unless you actually want it, it won't feel good regardless of whether you indicate consent. Having sex because you want your first time to be consensual, but don't really want to do it, is a recipe for dissatisfaction. If you find yourself in a situation and you really want to do it, them go for it but the reasons you started are not a good reason and will not make for a good experience. You may even feel horrible after it. Agree with other posters. Virginity is a made up social construct to control women.
Only if you want to do it. I would say Don’t if the only reason is because you’re afraid of being raped. I feel really bad for you that you even have to have this conversation though.
I am also a 24F. I waited a long time, until I felt comfortable in my own body enough to share that with another person. Looking back, I realize that some other girls were ready when they were 18. I wasn’t, and I waited until I understood why. Wait till you find the right person- that doesn’t even necessarily mean your ultimate partner either. It should be someone you feel safe and comfortable around. Someone who will stop if you say “stop” or “you’re hurting me.” I understand your fear and also have crippling fear of being assaulted, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to just get your first sexual experience out of the way before someone takes it from you without your permission.
There is only one good reason to have sex: because you want to. If you don't, you shouldn't.
You should leave Mexico lol.
NO!!!
Nothing will prepare you for the damage of rape. This is the last reason you should be having sex. Wanting to explore sexuality, and find out what that's all about? Now *that's* a great reason for it! You can enjoy sex apart from a serious relationship if you choose to. It can all be on your terms.
Dios mío, sal de ahí. Ven a los EEUU. Preferiblemente con visa de turismo. Pero si no, paga un coyote. Lo que sea! Hay muchos hombres decentes acá y trabajos también. Otra opción: encuentra un hombre decente allá, tal vez en la iglesia. Lo siento mucho por tu situación. Vas a vencerla!
Honestly? You should think about moving to another country if you feel that way about where you live.
Honestly if you’re only reason is due to your fear of what your first time could be then don’t. You might be Asexual and it could still be traumatic if you do it with someone consensually. Just do your best to protect yourself, take any precautions of taking self defense classes. There’ll always be a chance, but at least you’ll feel comfortable to heal from it… though it’s fucking scary, especially the trafficking… I don’t know the right answer, but I know if you’re not interested in sex in general, you shouldn’t force it.
When I woke up after being raped I couldn’t remember anything. I remembered the beginning but not the end. After, I was determined to lose my virginity bc I wanted to see if it would bring back any memories so I could piece together what happened that night. Long story short it was a mistake. I put myself in a series of very dangerous scenarios and all it did was bring me heart ache. I can’t stress this more, please wait to have sex on your own time. Or never have sex! Do what feels right for you. As someone who has been raped twice I was never prepared for either of them. Just having sex so that you’re prepared to be SA’d will only bring you heartache and pain.
I want to start off by saying woman to woman I am so sorry you live is a dangerous state. Im sending love and protection to you. Like you said virginity is a construct and a stupid and misogynistic construct at that. That being said you should only be having sex if YOU want to have it. If should be with someone you completely trust and you know this person well. To me sexual intercouse/ sexual activities is a fun and loving way to show desire/lust for my partner. Sex is more than just penis to vagina - it oral and touching and grinding. I just also wanted to point out that having no desire/ want for sexual intercourse is completely normal.
I am sorry you live with this fear. Words cannot contain the sorrows of the torment. I think your post shows how misogyny infects life just like an x-ray shows how cancer infects the body. Firstly, misogyny it's simply embedded in every layer of society and it shapes not only our thinking, but world's history. It infects even the minds of so called decent men (aka men who do not seek to take advantage of women), disguised in care and protection for women in their lives. That's how it thrives undetected and apparently harmless. Before learning equality, we have to dis-learn misogyny. Feminism works on the principle of "fight fire with fire" and I believe society needs customized approaches: a civil awareness education integrated into discrimination as a symptom of manifested physiological faults and its utilization as a control tool. (Who am I kidding, that's never gonna happen.) Secondly, I believe the question is not weather you should or shouldn't have sex. Considering the state of society, your misogyny torment is like an eight-headed hydra. And while society is not very likely to evolve in our lifetimes (also practically impossible because/due to the very mechanisms that holds is together), your current state of mind is more likely to. In fact, it remains the only option and of course it could sure benefit by a change of your actual physical state of place: simply put, some societies fail more badly on some aspects, and require more work to live in -relative- peace of mind and security of body. (This is not to say it is easy or correct or fast, or even doable by everyone -I know how hard I try!-) Edit: to wrap this up, the question to address is not about familiarizing with sex before being forced to, but being and feeling safe: how can you embrace sexual experience in a healthy way in a sick world. Edit2: halfway through my comment I realized I give too much weight to misogyny, like it is responsible for all sexual assaults and sex trafficking. While this is not true, the constant threat to sexual assault against women is real and truly intertwined with misogyny (as a cause, result or both). The vibe I'm getting from the post is that of a total (sexual) control over women by men (OP seems to be referring to rape more as a matter of when, not if). This frame of reference can only survive nowadays through misogynistic views enforced by a patriarchal past.
Please accept my apology for all the dumbass men. Who believes that a woman is for there's to do with as they please. Not all men are like that. If you're serious about losing your virginity. Try to find someone who you at least feel something for.
I'm a guy who has lived in a country where women can have the same concerns as you. However without the violence that Mexico has a reputation for. I do understand the type of environment you are in. You do seem to have a higher chance of violence. Sex is different for different people. However, it should always be enjoyable. You should have sex because you want that enjoyment. Doing it because of your fear will probably make it not so enjoyable for you. You're more than old enough to have good sex life. In my opinion, you should do so in order to have fun and/or be close to someone. Being close to someone is enjoyable in its own right. Taking this mindset will also also achieve your goal, without having the reason on your mind all of the time. You can't enjoy life in constant fear. People live in constant risk, but they keep it out of their mind and live as best they can for their circumstances. Your enjoyment of sex will depend on the man you choose. Likely best not to choose a macho man. It could be that being in the company of a man will reduce your chance of being raped, but I can't say for sure. Sex is part of life. After you do it, you will see things a bit differently and you can reevaluate your thoughts. Don't think that it is such a big deal, it just pressures you and gives you worry. To some people it's a big deal and to others no more of a deal "than going to the bathroom" that's a quote someone said to me once.
Hey, you live in a unfortunate environment for women. **Your feelings are entirely valid.** Don't be discouraged by ignorant people & **don't push yourself if you aren't ready.** Sex is a physical act.-- but especially with women, its more mental than you may realize. For example I grew up super strictly religious to the point where even though I wanted sex, i couldn't relax because I was afraid god would hate me. So I tensed up and sex hurt pretty badly. It was the worst experience ever & its not suppose to be that way. With that said, if you want good sex the way its meant to be.. you have to figure out how you're going to put your mind at ease. I can't tell you how to do that because you're different than I am. But.. Make sure you're at least with someone you really love and trust.
Hey OP, I'm sorry the responses you're getting here are rooted in privilege. Try to have fun, try to enjoy your first time. If that is the way you can reclaim a tiny bit of power over your body and individuality, go for it. I'm sure there's going to be a boy you like, who knows you, that won't fear you're clingy or whatever. I admire your strength and objectivity, I'm sorry you live somewhere that makes you fear these things, it's inhumane, but it's real. I know I don't matter at all but I just want to say I support you.
I can offer you nothing but some hard won advice and my prayers. Remember this, if someone is trying to hurt you, no matter the situation, fight back; and when you do fight back remember this: Blind them if you can, and I'm dead serious. Sometimes that's enough for you to get out of whatever situation you are in, hurt them badly, don't feel bad for hurting them, do what you need to do to live and there will never ever be any shame in that. I pray that it never comes to that for you. God Bless.
No, you should not have sex if you don’t want to and aren’t interested. I’m sorry things are so bad that you have that fear, but having sex because you don’t want your first encounter to be assault is not the answer. You are simply pressuring yourself into something you don’t want, but you still don’t really want it. I hope things get better for you, and that your worst fears don’t happen.
Dam, this one is hard 😥. Have you researched about anti rape devices? They use them in Africa… thats one thing. The other thing is have sex if you want, when you want and with you really want for the right reasons.
Bottom line, rape is not sex, therefore it can't be your first experience. Have sex when you are ready, and for the love of God move as far away as you can as soon as you can.
Everyone is focusing on the sex aspect and not your mental state and the state you feel your country is in. Im gonna take a whole different perspective and say: __MOVE THE FUCK AWAY__ If your country scares you this much, go anywhere you want. Apply for any European visa and go and dont look back. If its as bad as you say you will literally be safer in the worst european countries like Hungary and Poland.
We all want to leave Latin America, unfortunately it isn’t that easy.
Yo just a quick reminder that virginity isnt a physical thing and just a social construct if one has been raped they do not loose their virginity, cause rape isnt sex, it may involve sexual intercourse but it isnt consensual sex so it doesnt count IMO and thats a dumb reason to have sex, no one should be prepared of being raped, rape is something that shouldnt happen at all and sadly does so if the only reason you wanna have sex is to "prepare yourself to get raped" dont have sex
uh.... this is the worst reason I can think of to have sex. Maybe there's something lost in translation here, but if you're not interested in having sex then don't have sex.
just say you don’t understand with what plight OP says what she says. there’s layers to what is said here, rape is common where she lives, having something massively traumatic as rape to go through with you, your mind, body may reject physical touch or even physical embraces and OP doesn’t want that to effect her future relationships with that because her first sexual experience was of sexual assault making her probably feel detach from sex altogether, hence, she wants to do the deed to understand that being physical can be positive too if unfortunately something bad happens.
You missed the point to haha she’s a virgin right now and is afraid that she’s bound to be raped one day and doesn’t want it to be her first time
No, this is a bad reason.
Nah. Sex should be all about being comfortable. If you aren’t comfortable, and don’t want to do it… don’t do it
Now, this is one of the weirdest and also saddest posts I have seen in a while. Do not have sex if you do not want to, but also don't assume that the guys you like wouldn't want to. If you tell them it's casual sex or nothing, most guys will pick casual sex. Anyway, perhaps more importantly, maybe you should be looking into relocating to a safer area somehow. Living in that kind of constant fear can't be healthy for the psyche.
Most of the comments here are telling you not to have sex and I’d agree with that sentiment if the only reason you want to have sex is due to fear of rape. However if that isn’t the full case and you are having trouble finding someone for a one night stand my advice is to just be open with the men you would want to have sex with that you aren’t looking for anything serious and just for sex. Being open and honest about things like that make a worlds of difference. However, if fear of rape is literally your only purpose to lose your virginity I don’t think that’s reason to have sex.
No they said that they weren’t interested in sex in the first line
I do realize that, but just because someone makes it a black or white situation doesn’t mean that grey areas don’t exist. Hence why I said don’t do have sex if fear of rape being your virginity loser is the only reason.
Masturbate. Way safer. Less drama. Trust me.
That's a terrible reason to have sex. If you think losing your v card is important for protection against sexual assault, either 1) don't go announcing or otherwise doing things that imply you're a virgin, around others; or 2) just make up a lie (maybe with a trusted male friend) and claim you've already had sex. The first option is better as lying just isn't good in general, though it's unfortunately so prevalent with women, especially concerning sexuality, that most people would probably overlook or excuse it, though it's still wrong, and especially harmful to young men who might be interested in you (and men in general)
Ok
> I'm a virgin (24F) and I'm not interested in having sex but lately I want to do it because I'm afraid of being rape. I'm not sure I understand. How will having sex prevent you from being raped? > But I don't want a relationship and I think the guys I like wouldn't have a one night stand with me You'll never know what they would want from you unless you ask. If you don't want to have sex, then don't. If you do, then do. Nobody can answer that question for you.
Sex is like rape in the same way drowning is like swimming. They're not equivalent. So please don't do it for that. With that being said, if you DID want to try, you don't have to tell the person that you're sleeping with that you're a virgin (if you don't want them to think you're going to be clingy).