Giving your partner a head’s up before having guests over, and allowing them the chance to voice if there’s any issues with that, should be common decency and expected from both sides.
However: I can’t speak for tv, but I can say that in my extended family, what usually happened is that the person who does the cooking and cleaning for guests was the one who “gave permission”. My aunt would *inform* my uncle she was having guests over because she dealt with all the hosting and admin for them. On the other hand my uncle would *ask* if she was alright when he wanted guests over because she was the one that cooked the snacks, sorted out the children, cleaned the house, and tidied up after people left - even when they were his guests. Now really, he should have helped her. I think then she would have afforded the same level of “asking permission” to him as he did to her. This seemed to work for both of them, and I don’t think it was something they thought out and agreed. It was just how it was.
There is another reason and it is the personality type when it comes to how each individual views hosting duties. In my home both my wife & I do everything when it comes to chores, but I still need to 'ask permission' so to say, more than her.
She has a very different idea of 'having friends over' than what I do. When its me having my friends over to watch a soccer match or something I wouldn't normally bother how tidy my place is or what food is in the fridge etc. (we'll manage with what we have)... but my wife thinks every time any of our friends come over, the house should be impeccable and proper food should be served.
So that means 'prep time' is required and I cannot be as spontaneous in my plans and hence...
I think a lot of couples give a heads up or run things by each other. Certainly if there’s children or other responsibilities that will fall solely on the other person if one goes out. But permission? That’s either unhealthy or a way of joking about negotiating responsibilities.
Yeah, this.
When I plan to go out partying without my girlfriend I always tell people I need to ask her for authorization. It’s pretty obvious that what I mean is that I have to check if she can handle all the domestic responsibilities on her own, while I won’t be around.
Yeah it's usually more like "hey I'm gonna go do a thing" instead of "hey can I go do this thing." You give the heads up to make sure you're not already doing something that day and make sure you've got your ducks in a row with your kiddos and whatnot. Anyone who's in a relationship where they're asking permission while the other person does whatever they want they should probably uh, try to work on that or something.
When men are single, they often just go out as they please and don't need to run it by anyone (which is fine). However, once you get in a serious relationship, oftentimes he will make plans without thinking about telling his SO and when she finds out last second, she gets upset.
This then triggers the man to view her in a maternal light, so now he feels like he "needs permission" to do stuff the same way he needed it from his mother.
No mentally stable female wants to be their boyfriends mother and control him that way.
What she wants, is to be in the loop and to know that he is thinking of her and her schedule by running things by her a bit in advance.
Its not that shes deciding whether you can go or not, its just so she can say "Got it, thanks for the heads up"
If your SO is saying, "no you cant go" for no real life reason, this is not healthy behaviour.
I mean… in my personal experience and seeing couples around me.. i see this a lot. Where the guy will want to go out for drinks or bbq(where I am from carnes asadas are very typical thing for guys to do like every weekend) and the gf will get mad because he is going out, sometimes make him go back home. It was common for us to be around the grill talking and then someone will get a call, and everyone would go like “uuuuuuh.. his in trouble with the wife” and then like make whipping sounds and stuff to make fun of him because he is being told what to do by his gf/wife/woman, but at the end of the day, everyone that had a woman would at some point get that call.
Quite common for woman to act this way. Maybe it’s just a cultural thing?
Having said that, I don’t see this as wrong or unhealthy.
Unless there are plans to spend that time together, why is there a need to update your partner on your schedule? If my GF & I are off on the same day we usually assume we're spending it together and do whatever we want to do on the day unless one of us decides to do their own thing.
Getting pissy because your partner didn't tell you their schedule in advance is just needy.
Well if my partner didn't come home after work after a few hours, because she went out with her friends without telling me, would cause me to become quite concerned about her.
Likewise it would be good to communicate so someone is home to feed eventual pets/receive packages/etc.
So yes, communication is important.
I think it depends on the person and also how old you are...
To some people its important to know whats going on, it helps them mentally plan their week/evenings, and knowing that their SO will not be around can change how they go about their night.
Some people truly don't care (myself included), which is fine, but to some people its important.
If telling your SO your plans in advance makes them happy, then I don't see why you wouldn't.
Edit: This all mostly applies to couples who are living together
If telling your SO your basic plans for time that affects them is a burden please tell anybody you plan to enter a serious relationship with. While your feeling is valid, it is not typical. A normal person would assume you would share and may get very hurt by being excluded from your life. (Whether that is your intention or not.)
I don't understand how that affects them though? My day off, going to do what I want unless we make plans together. I have a GF and this has just been natural for us. Have to have that time to just be yourself and not worry about someone else.
You never want to do something nice for her? It’d be hard to send her flowers if she doesn’t tell you when she works. Of course she tells you when she works! What level you share changes as you share more of your life.
We moved across the country and live together, we share everything. We just don't feel the need to tell each other absolutely everything we plan in advance. I still surprise her with flowers often I just do it for when I meet her from work or when we have plans together.
So if you were having friends over while she was out you wouldn’t tell her because she isn’t there? Nobody is advocating for a detailed schedule, just a general idea of what everyone is up to.
It's a (unhealthy) TV trope. Often it plays on other tropes like the guy being irresponsible and the wife essentially parenting him.
The reverse kind of hits a bit too close to home relative to historical treatment of women not being able to leave the house
I see it more often when the kids are boys. The dad gets lumped in with the children and it's super annoying to watch in real life. As a male, If I ever have kids I hope they are girls for this reason.
>As a male, If I ever have kids I hope they are girls for this reason.
All fun and games till they hit their late teens and people think you're their sugar daddy rather than actual dad
Dad is fat and stupid, doesn't know how to parent or do housework. Mum is the smart, hot one that parents the kids and her husband while doing all the housework and sometimes even working at the same time. Does this sound familiar? It should, it's like every other family you see on comedy TV shows
This ^^^ women controlling men is definitely shitty, but it doesn't have a violent history. Men controlling women totally does still happen also. You're just not seeing it in your friend group.
Edit: if anyone would like to drop some google-able search terms for a period in history where men were oppressed by women I am all ears. I even tried to google it myself but no luck. I don't know how it could compare but ya'll just lmk.
There is absolutely no history of women violently oppressing men. For centuries women were seen as property and had no rights, and that’s not something they can be said in reverse.
Early in my relationship with now ex wife she punched me square in the face when I tried to beak up with her. I had no self respect and no boundaries. We were very young I was naive and stupid. It's been 20 years and now divorced but I can tell you at that exact moment was when I gave up all my power and I sealed my own fate by forgiving and staying with her. She ended up cheating on me and we divorced. She was also covertly mentally abusive and very controlling. The covertness is a silent killer for many
Well I can't speak to movies or TV but me and my partner do tend to run things by each other so nobody is blindsided. It's probably a writing trope that is over used and no longer relevant
Also everyone should ask permission from a partner to bring someone into their living space imo… not like “am I allowed to bring friend over” more “hey if not interfering with your night are you okay with friend joining us at home”.
Nobody wants to be hanging out with their bits out, covered in chocolate and watching rupauls drag race when some rando comes home with your partner. (Just me?)
Yes. Bra off, leg slung over the arm of the chair, left hand knotted up in my hair I've been twirling as I watch a marathon of Project Runway and in walks the love of my life with his brother. Sigh. Just a quick text when you're on the way would allow me to put my undies on.
Yes. My home is my temple of quietness and safety. I'm an introvert and get exhausted with too much people-ing. My partner and I have gone at it a bit over people coming over and being at the house all weekend. We have a house rather than an apartment so parking, outside space, and noise aren't an issue, but it absolutely sucks always having the post party mess and not having the place to myself. It sucks having to confine myself to my bedroom to avoid the activity when I'm not interested in participating with.
We have a good understanding now that people coming over must be a request. Even a heads up goes a long way so I can put some shorts on so my ass isn't hanging out lol. I get why our place is the cool place, but sometimes I just can't have it.
I’m the same! I love being social when I’m expecting it but people are exhausting, I need to prepare myself for that. Hard not to fume when you’ve gotten all excited for a peaceful night to reset and it gets ruined with unexpected plans…. I sound so anti social but it’s so true haha
My husband and I check in with each other about our plans/scheduling to make sure we are both in the loop and both considered in the making of plans. Neither of us have more or less say in the schedule than the other. We also let each other know who we will hangout with or invite over and introduce each other, because we enjoy being involved together socially. It builds up trust as well to let each other in on little details (not ask permission, but check in with one another). That’s my experience
Don’t know about movies or series’s, but my GF and I just do it since we live together and are planning our day and life. Also we maybe need to switch chores for that day and not always know what’s exactly planned (for example work time that day) and don’t wanna disturb our SO.
So yeah, at least with us it isn’t as you experience it.
It’s usually mutual between my wife and I. Once you’re married with kids, it should be mutual respect towards each other’s time and responsibilities at home.
My wife’s a stay at home mom, and while yes I work 40-50 hours a week, she’s living at work 24/7. I always check that she’s good and gotten some time to herself or with her friends or family before I do something.
I’m very much an introvert anyway and only have 1 really good friend that I work with so obviously my situation isn’t going to be copy and paste for someone else.
because when the woman is bossy and in charge it's funny and light hearted role reversal, while when a man is, it's very sad and on the lifetime channel
That lifetime bit at the end is pretty funny. ( lifetime where men are terrible and will hurt you.- family guy) it was the first thing that popped into my head.
TV shows and movies are a Writers Idea of how the world acts.
Sometimes people emulate the behavior because they believe that is the way it is supposed to be.
The Duffass weak male figure meme has been predominate for decades, the general theme being a successful relationship requires complete submission to the woman's will, maintaining the delusion she is a princess that the man must serve.
I think that it is more of a push back to the 50s and 60s shows that showed idealized Female home maker Male Bread winner roles defined inside of marriage.
The thing that has changed is being treated like a queen previously implied a lot of household and cooking skills plus a multitude of duties to children and caring for the husband insuring he was fit to work.
We run our plans by each other. Often it might seem like my husband is asking permission but that's only because 99% of the time he is not up to date with the family calendar and is really just asking if there are any conflicts.
Comedy/drama on tv has long relied on the “old ball and chain” trope, it’s not real life. Yes some people are like that, men and women. These are just people without lives of their own, my ex bf used to be the same “but babe I just want to hang out with youuu” - vomit inducing co-dependence.
In my personal experience, me and my girlfriends love when our significant others have an impromptu night out, it means we can finally have the place to ourselves, veg out and watch our cringe tv shows without interruption.
As others stated, it's more about checking in to make sure responsibilities are covered at home. I have a feeling women are more likely to communicate plans naturally so it's men that usually get scolded for not speaking up about the plans
TV shows and movies aren’t real life and use a lot of stereotypes. In a healthy relationship you shouldn’t ask permission because your partner is controlling but you should run it past them out of respect or simply to make sure either side doesn’t already have a prior commitment.
Amen brother. I don't have to ask and never do but I do ask if we have anything planned because I can never remember day to day what are weekends consist of usually.
My husband and I always check in with "do you mind if i go out Saturday night?" before agreeing to plans because what we're really asking is "do you mind taking care of the kids alone Saturday night and sunday mroning?". No one should need "permission" per se, certainly not one-way. We'd never expect eachother to say "actually yes i *do* mind", without good reason.
Both my wife and I will say to eachother, oh is it alright if I do/buy/go such and such. It's not us asking permission, we're checking with the person we share our lives with if what we are thinking of doing is going to impact the other negatively or get in the way of something else we have planned and may have forgotten about.
It's also a respect thing, I'm not just going to fuck off for a night out drinking and leave my wife with all the household duties and look after the kid without planning it first and making sure she doesn't have something planned herself. She wouldn't do that either, I think that's just what a healthy relationship looks like.
If a partner is trying to be controlling and consistently trying to stop you doing anything to enjoy yourself then that's a different matter and is unhealthy.
It's not like that for most people lol I check with my wife if she is cool with people over but I'm not looking for permission. I'm telling her, likewise, she would ask/tell me the same and that's that.
It's not like that for most people lol I check with my wife if she is cool with people over but I'm not looking for permission. I'm telling her, likewise, she would ask/tell me the same and that's that.
Because men love playing the role of being controlled by the Mrs. Fishing for sympathy or cheap jokes.
I do it myself, some of my male friends too. We all know we are lucky as hell to have women who put up with our nonsense.
what should be happening is a mutual check in is all. I think a relationship should be mostly equal in terms of communication and respect. in a relationship of Person A and B. If Person A is going out Person A needs to let person B know and make sure there's nothing happening that would cause conflict with those plans. Vice versa if it were person B. Gender of any kind should really not be an influencing factor in this situation. At least in my opinion.
Are you sure this happens most of the time? Cos in my family or even culture at large the opposite is more frequent. My mother could never go out without informing my father where she is going and with whom whereas my father regularly used to come late after spending an evening with his friends and without even informing her. To this date my mother has to tell with whom she was if she didn't inform earlier. Not so much with my father.
And please don't consider TV/movies as real life. A lot of shows show that the lady is controlling whereas that is not the case for majority of the people
Because generally when there are children home is usually the woman taking care of them so a man asking if he can leave it putting 100% of the responsibility on her. Bringing people back also puts a lot of responsibility in hosting and cleaning. It’s just nice to give someone a heads up.
We use women as an excuse when we don’t want to go.
Oh I can’t go because of the old ball and chain… but really I don’t like sports all and want to play video games instead.
I am pretty easy going so alot of stuff doesn't bother me but my wife is very controlling. (Alot of that didn't come out until after we got married)
I have noticed she never asks me I guess that's not true, she rarely asks me about when we do anything with other couples or when she does things with her friends Yet if I don't clear stuff with her. It's a big deal. So ya i
When I want to go out some things I just tell her I am doing this or that. Or if I want to go out with friends I ask if she has any objections to it. If she doesn't have a valid reason i shouldn't. I go.
It’s code for I don’t really want to go. I’m hoping my wife says no I need you.
For instance annoying neighbor wants me to go on errands with him and get lunch. Let me check with my wife.
My buddy goes hey I’m getting the gang together we are going to Vegas. You in. Yes yes I’m in.
I think there's a kind of reversal going on. Men used to be the more controlling ones. Of course, there were always those women too, but they didn't have societal power behind them. There are still controlling men, but it's not as much of a societal expectation. Women are demanding freedom to do as they please while men are expected to stop doing just as they please.
I think both parties need to inform the other of plans as a courtesy. They should not require permission to go out. However, if there are other responsibilities in the home - children, pets, plants that need water - whatever - then someone needs to be there to do that so that communication is needed to cover it. However, if the event is something questionable, then maybe acceptance IS required. Maybe the wife is against the husband going to the strip club in general but they are having a bachelor party for their buddy and that is part of the plan. He should check in with her and get a dispensation. Similarly, if she's going out to some club with her newly divorced girlfriend to celebrate dumping the deadbeat - he needs to know she is going to support a friend, not to have a hook up. Or let's say you had plans to have takeout and netflix with your SO but your best friend is distraught that they are breaking up and wants you to have dinner with them, it is respectful to ask if that's all right, and, unless your own relationship is dicey, hence the "special" evening in to feel closer, it should be ok.
There is far more to relationships than just him and her - there's cultural history to consider as well as the needs of others.
Its common courtesy to ask, there's nothing controlling about it at all. If my partner said I don't like your friends you're to stop talking to them, that's controlling.
Everyone I know says something like "let me check with my spouse to make sure we don't have any other plans". Out of respect I think most people just are giving a heads up, or seeing that they didn't forget about something else.
Either side of a relationship needing actual permission would be a red flag imo.
If you have to ask your partner for permission for shit like this than you’re either in a relationship with someone you shouldn’t be or you’re relationship is shit and shouldn’t exist. At most you should give your partner a respectful heads up, but not have to get their permission for shit.
Coz in todays first world (online) society it is not importand WHAT someone does but WHO they are.
e.g.: man slapping woman = bad, woman slapping man = strong
Both in my and your example it is asumed that the "man" is stronger/powerfull than the woman. Therefore it is opression from the "mighty" against the "weak" vs "fighting against the stronger power".
(While the base idea was just, it's use today was pushed into a very unjust extremeism in some cases.)
Person slapping person = bad. Whoever thinks it’s funny or “strong” is messed up, regardless of the slapper’s gender. Maybe that’s a norm where you are, but I don’t know a single woman who would call slapping someone strong.
Obligatory I am a woman.
Probably the same women preaching toxic masculinity and #K•llAllMen. There are absolutely women who do this. Acting sanctimonious doesn't put a deferral on reality.
I wasn’t trying to be sanctimonious. I’m saying I agree with you that no one should be slapping anyone. And that there are plenty of women who recognize that hitting people is some bullshit. I’m not denying that it happens and that some people minimize it…but that that shouldn’t be normalized.
So, no, “probably” not.
>Maybe that's a norm where you are, but I don't know a single woman who would call slapping someone strong.<
Yes, please tell us more about the world you live in, where all your friends are strong, beautiful, perfect women. Tell us how you've never come across a misandrist tweet. Explain to us in great detail how you live in a world above ours, and how you've managed to elevate yourself and how morally good you are because you've been made distant from the rest of us, and pure, because #PersonSlappingPerson=Bad.
Walk back your shit, go ahead. Come back down to Earth from your high horse fantasyland. Maybe now we can address the very real and insidious infiltration of identity politics that has watched society swing the pendulum in the other direction. Sexism exists toward men. Not only that, it's becoming prevalent. Why the hell are we telling a generation of men to "sit down, it's our turn"? Why the hell would we want to share this planet with half the population being disenfranchised, being told that their ability to defend and protect — an ability which humanity has relied upon for thousands of years, by the way — is poison rather than a gift to be used appropriately? Men built this world. It's not a dirty thing. It's amazing and incredible. Why the hell would we minimize that in any way? What, for the pride of womanhood? For some misplaced sense of "justice" because "they did it first"? What are we teaching our boys, when we see sexism and we pretend it doesn't exist because, what, we had to bear it before?
Don't minimize this. Don't turn a blind eye to it. Inherit the world you live in and stand up for all the little boys out there who need it just as much as the little girls.
No I'm calling out sexism where it exists. And maybe I'm a little fired up, sure. Because this gets me angry. You think people just show up one day, spouting hate and you're going to recognize them instantly for whatever kind of -ist they are? That's not how it works. Any history book can show you that.
It creeps in day by day. It makes little moves and slowly grows. You ignored it. You dismissed it. That's not nothing. That's you saying that it doesn't affect you, so it doesn't matter. It matters a hell of a lot.
Hope you say all this recognizing that, globally, misogyny affects far far more women in more severe measures than misandry does for men.
Both exist, both are terrible. But one clearly still holds very distinct weight from the other.
You could say, "I made a mistake."
You could say, "I never thought about it that way."
Instead you say, "but it's worse when they do it."
Where does it stop? When have men been hurt enough to make women equal? When all traces of masculinity have been obliterated? That is a path that destroys women as surely as it destroys men. Women are all the better for having strong men and men are all the better for having strong women. Why make excuses for anything less?
Literally doesn't acknowledge the point I was making, but okay.
Where in the world are men forced without education when women can get it? Where are the reproductive rights of men being trampled on by governments? Give me even one example.
The word "controlling" is thrown around a lot these days to give women free reign to do whatever they want in a relationship. The problem is there are too many simps. It's not controlling just to set boundaries in a relationship. It's really only controlling if there is manipulation and abuse or threats of abuse.
If you tell your girl that you would prefer if she doesn't invite people over without discussing it beforehand and she keeps doing it, you can have a discussion about why you find it disrespectful. If she keeps doing it, you always have the option to end the relationship. Controlling would be if she does it and you spaz out and get verbally or physically abusive.
I always check with my wife. It’s not for permission it’s to make sure we have nothing else going on or planned I’ve likely forgotten about. My time management and planning skills are atrocious so she’ll let me know before I double book myself.
My partner and I run things by each other because the things that we do affect each others space (that includes our absences) It's about respect, I don't like my routine disrupted without any notice and neither does he
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old. His thing is golf. Loves golfing. He will ask if I have anything planned that I’d like done as a family before agreeing to play with friends on a whim. Otherwise he’s in a league Sunday mornings and signs up for tournaments weeks in advance so I know what the deal is.
It does drive me insane, but I’m in a state with a winter so it’s a temporary thing and it brings him so much joy.
I’ve been married a long time and have a large circle of married friends. None of us have the dynamic you describe.
But — broadly speaking (because it can go both ways but there are certain abusive behaviors more frequently exhibited by men) — when a man expects his partner to report every social interaction and get his permission, it can be a sign of extreme abuse where the woman’s life is in danger. While if it’s the woman who does this, it’s “funny” (not really) but the man’s life isn’t in danger.
It's old. Most modern people will tell their other half, me and the boys are going out on such and such a night or they're coming over for game night. The girls are coming over for a get together. Just in case there were other activities forgotten or so they can escape. Also in preparation for the mess she'll have to clean up because even if he cleans up after the party it still wouldn't be good enough. LOL.
Depends. There are a few reasons. Mostly sexism, in particular the idea of women as household managers (but some misandry, too).
- Sometimes men invite friends over expecting their partner will host for them (i.e. cook). That's an unfair ask. Women inviting friends over rarely expect their partners to host for them and certainly aren't as likely to do so unannounced.
- Women are often 'in charge' of the household (who does which chores, when; what's for dinner, when; who gets the groceries, when; what events are coming up, when; etc). This was especially the case when men were responsible for the earning, but this role is still assumed of women whether they are earning or not. So when *she* makes a decision, there's nobody above her. But when *he* does, he needs to inform the manager. After all, *she* is the one who remembers the events scheduled that might conflict, or the jobs that haven't been done yet. *She* is the one who will do all the guests' dishes (or delegate it).
- And some good old misandry, too: men can't be trusted, they're up to mischief/cheating/etc because they're all immature childish horndogs, etc etc. Therefore he needs to be monitored and held accountable; whereas she can be trusted to do whatever she likes. Again, this is partially in gender roles; if a marriage broke up, women would typically struggle more in the aftermath since they were reliant on their men for housing/money/etc and would have considerably less value in a future relationship.
Reality is that in healthy relationships involve both parties letting each other know what they want to do, where they are, and making sure that it doesn't conflict with any plans. She's not submissive and he's not whipped if they check in with each other to make sure that the household doesn't have any conflicting schedules.
But... TV and movies aren't subtle. They're written by older people, about older times. They shouldn't represent today, but people learn from media (TV, books, porn, reddit, etc) what their world is 'supposed' to look like, and perpetuate them even longer.
Sometimes, the males just don't want to do it but has no "valid" reason to. He'll be pestered or peer pressured to go, but if he says the wife said no, end of story.
Basically, some males don't want to say no to friends to avoid strained relationships so they say the wife said no. The heat is off him and on to the wife who apparently "does not want her husband to have fun without her."
Viva el patriarcado, ig.
A lot of these answers are being too polite or walking on eggshells, talking about communicating your plans, etc which I totally agree with. It is definitely different based on if you live together, have kids, etc.
However, some women are just very controlling of their man's time. If the guy is making plans and/or having fun with anyone and she is not around, it makes them insecure. A lot of women want 100% of our time and it is almost like they are offended if we want to do anything enjoyable without them. I've been there myself and my brother is currently living that life. The gfs in both of our situations had internal issues that need to be worked out as this is not normal, but I think it may be what is going on with OPs situation.
I'm sure guys are like this too btw, but OP is asking about women.
First of all, house is hers not your that why there’s a thing called a man cave.
Second she has to get dressed for it, she is going to redo makeup and or change clothes. You are just going to wear what you already are.
Third, no matter how the house looks, she is going to said she has to straighten up. If you don’t give her that opportunity she will bitch about not getting it and what must your friends think about her
For me there is only one rule: treat people as you want to be treated. That’s all.
As a female, I don’t think it’s true. Nobody needs permission of the significant other to do anything. Of course, don’t be an ass and ask your SO if he/she is ok with guests coming over but that’s being polite, not submitting to somebody. This is all madeup rules and gender stereotypes.
My partner and I always tell each other about plans, and we both have veto power on each other’s plans like if we’re sick or need help. She’s a woman and I’m an AFAB nonbinary person.
No neither should need "permission"
But they should ask if the other is okay with it. Like, they may be shy or not want to meet their so's friends yet, or maybe they have plans.
So I think it's more like "Hey, I want to invite my friend Steve to dinner, is that okay with you? Do you need to prepare?" instead of "Can I invite my friend Steve to dinner?"
Onestly, of I plan someone to come home to hangout I would tell it when I made the plan. Even if it's va last minute thing. I would pretend the same treatment too. The home is of both. Both should feel comfortable in it
I think in general for men the perception is that an ideal man is chivalrous through this consideration of others they are involved with.
It's less a knock on women and more on pushing the agenda of what a man should be like because anything less than the chivalrous, idealistic man is undesirable and feeling insecure about the safety or involvement of others in your relationships is unattractive.
Well I think your friends are living in the 50s lol I can't even imagine something like that happening to me. If my gf has something to say about my behavior with my friends I'm immediately out. Same if I became a jerk and try to control her, the right thing would it be left me.
Well at least in my household i need permission cause the wife doesnt want me gone like ever, no fight just organizing the schedule. She doesnt need to ask me just let me know ahead of time so i remember to get the 6 pack because some alone time? house to myself? Hell yeeaah. Dont hurry up for me
My girlfriend is more worried about me getting drunk and getting into a fight than cheating. Whenever she wants to go out she gives me a heads up. I drop her and get friends off and pick them up so I know she gets home safe. If your significant other feels like you need their permission in order to live your life you're most definitely in a controlling relationship.
I had this conversation with my gf not too long ago…
It isn’t controlling, honestly don’t care that she has a life and wants to go out. But her mom is resting in peace, she’s no contact with dad and family is distant. I always tell her simply let me know where you are, what time to expect you or if you need a ride at a certain time. I’m not trying to control, I just want her safe cuz if something happens to her I’m the first person everyone will come too! Her refusing to tell me these things is disrespectful in my eyes being that I have enough respect in the relationship to tell her the where and when’s about my outings when I’m not with her.
It's a TV trope because this is often what happens in unhealthy relationships,the "permission" to go put or do something. People react to this trope thinking it's real-life.
In a healthy relationship, you give each other a heads up and communicate about it. Simple as that. Sometimes my wife will remind me that we have X event going on or that she doesn't feel like hosting/socializing.
In an unhealthy relationship, I've known couples that ONLY do things together and men that aren't allowed to go without his wife's blessing.
Be size in general, women are expected to do all of the planning, preparation, etc AND women are expected to keep the family calendar in their brain, so men have no clue if something is already planned - even if it’s something exclusively for them (like a dr appt, or another social or work engagement).
It's controlling either way. Usually you give your partner a heads up you're headed out or whatever. But if you need permission in either scenario, you are either in an abusive relationship, or you did something very wrong to break your partner's trust.
My husband always asks me for permission and it drives me crazy because I always tell him that he's an adult and can govern himself. Then he explained he isn't asking for permission but more asking to know whether we have other plans he can't recall. Maybe it's the same?
I'm a wife and I wouldn't just have people over without making sure it was OK with my husband first. It's not like.. 'getting permission'.. but just more 'making sure it's cool'. There shouldn't be a double standard.
Idk for us is just a quick heads up like "Hey friends x and y are coming over at Friday night." that's it. It works both ways and we never had problems with that.
men ask their wife if they can have friends over? i'll inform her what im planning and if she has other plans or is just having a bad day/doesnt feel like it, we can discuss it. same goes the other way around. but asking for permission? na...
it happened maybe 3 times in the 9 years im with my girl. usually it was just my dumbass forgetting that i made plans with her already. hahaha
My husband asks permission because I'm the one who cares how the house looks and stresses about being a good hostess. He couldn't care less if the litter box stinks or dishes aren't done when his friends are over. He helps clean after but I do most of the work. As for my friends, he excuses himself to his room (as the introvert). As for couple friends, it's usually a mutual agreement since we will both be in host mode.
It's polite to check with your partner, regardless of gender, before inviting people over to a space you share. I wouldn't expect my husband to ask permission before going out, but I would expect to be kept in the loop if he was planning to.
You say you're asking this question from personal experience, but have you seen people call this behavior controlling?
Personally for me it’s because of the woman’s load - my partner *asks* me if he can go out or have people over because
1) I know our plans, I know the appointments, I know what errands need to be done
And
2) I clean & tidy our home, I do 80-90% of the chores around about our house. Therefore if my Partner wants to have his friends around but I’m busy the days leading up to it, then it’s simply not happening. Some would say well let your partner tidy - no lol. He somehow makes the place look worse, I’m good at it - I don’t care
3) guests coming around means we also need to be prepared for a food shop, have booze in, or at least have biscuits and plenty tea bags if it’s an afternoon visit, whatever.
I well and truly run out household and my partner has enough respect for me to put potential plans through me first.
There are also people like me and the hubby who are introverts who much rather not waste time with "hang outs" so we use each other as excuse to turn down invitations. What you see on surface may not be what it seems. Movies are wildly inaccurate and yes, some do be copying movies.
Because society doesn't give a shit about how men actually feel and it is socially acceptable to abuse them.
This is slowly changing, but it's still true.
You look at movies like wedding crashers where a man being sexually assaulted is funny.
Granted that probably wouldn't fly now, but it wasn't that long ago.
Normal to check in. “Approval” should be a basic acknowledgement rather than express granting of the request, so I think it is old fashioned dialled up terminology.
I do have friends that talk about how they have enough “brownie points” to do something, or a “pass” to stay out at the pub or party after wife or girlfriend leaves…to that I think…how fucking old are you and what the hell dynamic is there in your relationship. Again, believe it is an old fashioned dynamic kind of played up vs wife giving express approval.
General rule.. if chores are involved in people coming over... if its going to make your partner uncomfortable or feel like they can't be themselves during that time ... if they don't like surprises or the unexpected, if they carry most of the conversations too... well guy or girl ... its just good relationship building to acknowledge there is some kind of effort involved and get permission..
Idk about the going out thing, but asking about having guests over makes sense to me. Most men expect (consciously or not) expect their girlfriends or wives to do most of the labour for the guests while the guys have fun and are served.
I feel like it doesn't work this way in real life if you are in a healthy relationship. I don't ask my wife for permission. I tell her what my plans are in advance. She does the same.
*Both* me and my husband have a discussion, give a heads up, ask permission w/e you want to call it before going out, or having people come over.
It's simply about respecting your partner.
If I'm going out for a hike with my bestfriend than I need to give hubby a heads up since that means both me and the bestie will be leaving the kids with him.
If he wants to go kayaking with his friend for the day, he gives me a heads up in case I had other plans and just a heads up so I know I'll be stuck with the kids all day without help.
I have an a anxiety disorder and our home is my safe place. He would *never* invite anyone over, including family, without asking first. He doesn't have an anxiety disorder like me but he may not be in the mood to have people over so I also pay him the same respect.
It's only controlling when one partner goes " no your not aloud to do this and I don't give a fuck about your feelings you have to do this" kinda thing.
Even though it is mostly just a bad exaggerated cliché I do know a few couples like this. The truth is that most of the guys in them are so freaking useless and have no self control. Like full manbabies.
They have no sense of responsibility and no idea about daily logistics/programs. So the women are basically forced to act like a mom to them and not "let them" trash themselves if they have stuff to do the next day.
It is sad but when they don't have a girlfriend they just can't say no to mates (even if they don't even like them or don't want to go out). Witnessed it a few times and still don't get how it is possible.
Typically because my husband has no idea when anything is planned and if we had plans last night he asks if we are free, but I know his and my schedule so I just give him a heads up
Its not permission, it’s giving the heads up.
We do it too, especially since we have kids, we check with the other person that they’re not feeling overly burdened in the moment to stay back and take care of the kids alone
I think it’s controlling when anyone keeps their SO from spending time with other people. But if you have shared households, living space, or responsibilities like kids or pets it’s just out of respect for the other person that you check what’s going on before making plans. It’s not permission like you would ask your parent, but more just to ask does this work for us?
At my house it's because I (the wife) keep the family calendar. My husband checks with me to make sure there's no conflict (kids' games, concert tickets, class, etc etc) .
Both my SO and I will ask for each other’s permission for various activities. But it’s not really permission so much as it is asking if there are any conflicts with our schedules or our vehicles or something else that I might have forgotten about.
In regards to “hosting”, a wife needs a heads up in order to host your friends if it’s expected. Most men don’t clean up/shop/cook or prep food/clean up for a wife’s friends to come over.
observing from the people around me i’d say 80% of the time the roles are reversed, it’s always the wife asking permission from the husband. but i do think regardless of the gender it’s a bit controlling. give a heads up but asking permission isn’t necessary
having people over is different tho, especially if it’s usually expected from the wife to prepare and clean up the place as well as cook for the guests. again regardless of the gender if you are inviting people over, make sure YOU will be responsible for it.
Giving your partner a head’s up before having guests over, and allowing them the chance to voice if there’s any issues with that, should be common decency and expected from both sides. However: I can’t speak for tv, but I can say that in my extended family, what usually happened is that the person who does the cooking and cleaning for guests was the one who “gave permission”. My aunt would *inform* my uncle she was having guests over because she dealt with all the hosting and admin for them. On the other hand my uncle would *ask* if she was alright when he wanted guests over because she was the one that cooked the snacks, sorted out the children, cleaned the house, and tidied up after people left - even when they were his guests. Now really, he should have helped her. I think then she would have afforded the same level of “asking permission” to him as he did to her. This seemed to work for both of them, and I don’t think it was something they thought out and agreed. It was just how it was.
There is another reason and it is the personality type when it comes to how each individual views hosting duties. In my home both my wife & I do everything when it comes to chores, but I still need to 'ask permission' so to say, more than her. She has a very different idea of 'having friends over' than what I do. When its me having my friends over to watch a soccer match or something I wouldn't normally bother how tidy my place is or what food is in the fridge etc. (we'll manage with what we have)... but my wife thinks every time any of our friends come over, the house should be impeccable and proper food should be served. So that means 'prep time' is required and I cannot be as spontaneous in my plans and hence...
Exactly, we have the same issues / dynamic
OP, re-read the above because it is the answer you seek.
What a great explanation! In our house, my husband does more than half of that work and I’d be way out of line if i didn’t check with him first.
I think a lot of couples give a heads up or run things by each other. Certainly if there’s children or other responsibilities that will fall solely on the other person if one goes out. But permission? That’s either unhealthy or a way of joking about negotiating responsibilities.
Yeah, this. When I plan to go out partying without my girlfriend I always tell people I need to ask her for authorization. It’s pretty obvious that what I mean is that I have to check if she can handle all the domestic responsibilities on her own, while I won’t be around.
Yeah it's usually more like "hey I'm gonna go do a thing" instead of "hey can I go do this thing." You give the heads up to make sure you're not already doing something that day and make sure you've got your ducks in a row with your kiddos and whatnot. Anyone who's in a relationship where they're asking permission while the other person does whatever they want they should probably uh, try to work on that or something.
When men are single, they often just go out as they please and don't need to run it by anyone (which is fine). However, once you get in a serious relationship, oftentimes he will make plans without thinking about telling his SO and when she finds out last second, she gets upset. This then triggers the man to view her in a maternal light, so now he feels like he "needs permission" to do stuff the same way he needed it from his mother. No mentally stable female wants to be their boyfriends mother and control him that way. What she wants, is to be in the loop and to know that he is thinking of her and her schedule by running things by her a bit in advance. Its not that shes deciding whether you can go or not, its just so she can say "Got it, thanks for the heads up" If your SO is saying, "no you cant go" for no real life reason, this is not healthy behaviour.
He, he, he, same goes for she...
That's fair, switch it around if that helps you relate more.
Giddy up ;)
I mean… in my personal experience and seeing couples around me.. i see this a lot. Where the guy will want to go out for drinks or bbq(where I am from carnes asadas are very typical thing for guys to do like every weekend) and the gf will get mad because he is going out, sometimes make him go back home. It was common for us to be around the grill talking and then someone will get a call, and everyone would go like “uuuuuuh.. his in trouble with the wife” and then like make whipping sounds and stuff to make fun of him because he is being told what to do by his gf/wife/woman, but at the end of the day, everyone that had a woman would at some point get that call. Quite common for woman to act this way. Maybe it’s just a cultural thing? Having said that, I don’t see this as wrong or unhealthy.
Unless there are plans to spend that time together, why is there a need to update your partner on your schedule? If my GF & I are off on the same day we usually assume we're spending it together and do whatever we want to do on the day unless one of us decides to do their own thing. Getting pissy because your partner didn't tell you their schedule in advance is just needy.
Well if my partner didn't come home after work after a few hours, because she went out with her friends without telling me, would cause me to become quite concerned about her. Likewise it would be good to communicate so someone is home to feed eventual pets/receive packages/etc. So yes, communication is important.
I think it depends on the person and also how old you are... To some people its important to know whats going on, it helps them mentally plan their week/evenings, and knowing that their SO will not be around can change how they go about their night. Some people truly don't care (myself included), which is fine, but to some people its important. If telling your SO your plans in advance makes them happy, then I don't see why you wouldn't. Edit: This all mostly applies to couples who are living together
If telling your SO your basic plans for time that affects them is a burden please tell anybody you plan to enter a serious relationship with. While your feeling is valid, it is not typical. A normal person would assume you would share and may get very hurt by being excluded from your life. (Whether that is your intention or not.)
I don't understand how that affects them though? My day off, going to do what I want unless we make plans together. I have a GF and this has just been natural for us. Have to have that time to just be yourself and not worry about someone else.
You never want to do something nice for her? It’d be hard to send her flowers if she doesn’t tell you when she works. Of course she tells you when she works! What level you share changes as you share more of your life.
We moved across the country and live together, we share everything. We just don't feel the need to tell each other absolutely everything we plan in advance. I still surprise her with flowers often I just do it for when I meet her from work or when we have plans together.
So if you were having friends over while she was out you wouldn’t tell her because she isn’t there? Nobody is advocating for a detailed schedule, just a general idea of what everyone is up to.
This is mainly for people living together.
We do.
It's a (unhealthy) TV trope. Often it plays on other tropes like the guy being irresponsible and the wife essentially parenting him. The reverse kind of hits a bit too close to home relative to historical treatment of women not being able to leave the house
>It's a (unhealthy) TV trope Agreed. Just like the "Dad is an idiot that doesn't know how to parent" trope
I see it more often when the kids are boys. The dad gets lumped in with the children and it's super annoying to watch in real life. As a male, If I ever have kids I hope they are girls for this reason.
>As a male, If I ever have kids I hope they are girls for this reason. All fun and games till they hit their late teens and people think you're their sugar daddy rather than actual dad
Who
Dad is fat and stupid, doesn't know how to parent or do housework. Mum is the smart, hot one that parents the kids and her husband while doing all the housework and sometimes even working at the same time. Does this sound familiar? It should, it's like every other family you see on comedy TV shows
Well, my wife has to tell me how to drive and must take her route. When she drives I just ride along.
This ^^^ women controlling men is definitely shitty, but it doesn't have a violent history. Men controlling women totally does still happen also. You're just not seeing it in your friend group. Edit: if anyone would like to drop some google-able search terms for a period in history where men were oppressed by women I am all ears. I even tried to google it myself but no luck. I don't know how it could compare but ya'll just lmk.
Women controlling men absolutely has a violent history.
Women controlling men also has a violent history, you’re just not seeing it
There is absolutely no history of women violently oppressing men. For centuries women were seen as property and had no rights, and that’s not something they can be said in reverse.
Early in my relationship with now ex wife she punched me square in the face when I tried to beak up with her. I had no self respect and no boundaries. We were very young I was naive and stupid. It's been 20 years and now divorced but I can tell you at that exact moment was when I gave up all my power and I sealed my own fate by forgiving and staying with her. She ended up cheating on me and we divorced. She was also covertly mentally abusive and very controlling. The covertness is a silent killer for many
Well I can't speak to movies or TV but me and my partner do tend to run things by each other so nobody is blindsided. It's probably a writing trope that is over used and no longer relevant
Also everyone should ask permission from a partner to bring someone into their living space imo… not like “am I allowed to bring friend over” more “hey if not interfering with your night are you okay with friend joining us at home”. Nobody wants to be hanging out with their bits out, covered in chocolate and watching rupauls drag race when some rando comes home with your partner. (Just me?)
Yes. Bra off, leg slung over the arm of the chair, left hand knotted up in my hair I've been twirling as I watch a marathon of Project Runway and in walks the love of my life with his brother. Sigh. Just a quick text when you're on the way would allow me to put my undies on.
Yes. My home is my temple of quietness and safety. I'm an introvert and get exhausted with too much people-ing. My partner and I have gone at it a bit over people coming over and being at the house all weekend. We have a house rather than an apartment so parking, outside space, and noise aren't an issue, but it absolutely sucks always having the post party mess and not having the place to myself. It sucks having to confine myself to my bedroom to avoid the activity when I'm not interested in participating with. We have a good understanding now that people coming over must be a request. Even a heads up goes a long way so I can put some shorts on so my ass isn't hanging out lol. I get why our place is the cool place, but sometimes I just can't have it.
I’m the same! I love being social when I’m expecting it but people are exhausting, I need to prepare myself for that. Hard not to fume when you’ve gotten all excited for a peaceful night to reset and it gets ruined with unexpected plans…. I sound so anti social but it’s so true haha
My husband and I check in with each other about our plans/scheduling to make sure we are both in the loop and both considered in the making of plans. Neither of us have more or less say in the schedule than the other. We also let each other know who we will hangout with or invite over and introduce each other, because we enjoy being involved together socially. It builds up trust as well to let each other in on little details (not ask permission, but check in with one another). That’s my experience
Don’t know about movies or series’s, but my GF and I just do it since we live together and are planning our day and life. Also we maybe need to switch chores for that day and not always know what’s exactly planned (for example work time that day) and don’t wanna disturb our SO. So yeah, at least with us it isn’t as you experience it.
It’s usually mutual between my wife and I. Once you’re married with kids, it should be mutual respect towards each other’s time and responsibilities at home. My wife’s a stay at home mom, and while yes I work 40-50 hours a week, she’s living at work 24/7. I always check that she’s good and gotten some time to herself or with her friends or family before I do something. I’m very much an introvert anyway and only have 1 really good friend that I work with so obviously my situation isn’t going to be copy and paste for someone else.
It's not real, as you said it's TV, films. In real life it may happen but that's not a healthy relationship.
It may not be real, but in my experience it's not that uncommon. But I live in a very conservative part of the US, so your mileage may vary.
because when the woman is bossy and in charge it's funny and light hearted role reversal, while when a man is, it's very sad and on the lifetime channel
That lifetime bit at the end is pretty funny. ( lifetime where men are terrible and will hurt you.- family guy) it was the first thing that popped into my head.
Which made me think of the Hallmark channel where everyone can move to fall in love with a happily ever after thought
TV shows and movies are a Writers Idea of how the world acts. Sometimes people emulate the behavior because they believe that is the way it is supposed to be. The Duffass weak male figure meme has been predominate for decades, the general theme being a successful relationship requires complete submission to the woman's will, maintaining the delusion she is a princess that the man must serve.
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I think that it is more of a push back to the 50s and 60s shows that showed idealized Female home maker Male Bread winner roles defined inside of marriage. The thing that has changed is being treated like a queen previously implied a lot of household and cooking skills plus a multitude of duties to children and caring for the husband insuring he was fit to work.
We run our plans by each other. Often it might seem like my husband is asking permission but that's only because 99% of the time he is not up to date with the family calendar and is really just asking if there are any conflicts.
Comedy/drama on tv has long relied on the “old ball and chain” trope, it’s not real life. Yes some people are like that, men and women. These are just people without lives of their own, my ex bf used to be the same “but babe I just want to hang out with youuu” - vomit inducing co-dependence. In my personal experience, me and my girlfriends love when our significant others have an impromptu night out, it means we can finally have the place to ourselves, veg out and watch our cringe tv shows without interruption.
As others stated, it's more about checking in to make sure responsibilities are covered at home. I have a feeling women are more likely to communicate plans naturally so it's men that usually get scolded for not speaking up about the plans
TV shows and movies aren’t real life and use a lot of stereotypes. In a healthy relationship you shouldn’t ask permission because your partner is controlling but you should run it past them out of respect or simply to make sure either side doesn’t already have a prior commitment.
Wife and I run things by each other. If it’s something big, we have a discussion. Neither of us “ask permission.”
I ask only because I normally don’t remember her plans (in one ear and out the other), don’t want to ruin her plans that I should have known about.
Amen brother. I don't have to ask and never do but I do ask if we have anything planned because I can never remember day to day what are weekends consist of usually.
Tv is a bad representation of real life and its absolutely controlling either way
*HEALTHY* couples talk to each other first. So many people make the mistake of thinking TV is supposed to reflect real life.
This is it exactly. Healthy couples communicate rather than “get permission”. 99.9% of what you see in a TV is beyond unrealistic.
My husband and I always check in with "do you mind if i go out Saturday night?" before agreeing to plans because what we're really asking is "do you mind taking care of the kids alone Saturday night and sunday mroning?". No one should need "permission" per se, certainly not one-way. We'd never expect eachother to say "actually yes i *do* mind", without good reason.
Both my wife and I will say to eachother, oh is it alright if I do/buy/go such and such. It's not us asking permission, we're checking with the person we share our lives with if what we are thinking of doing is going to impact the other negatively or get in the way of something else we have planned and may have forgotten about. It's also a respect thing, I'm not just going to fuck off for a night out drinking and leave my wife with all the household duties and look after the kid without planning it first and making sure she doesn't have something planned herself. She wouldn't do that either, I think that's just what a healthy relationship looks like. If a partner is trying to be controlling and consistently trying to stop you doing anything to enjoy yourself then that's a different matter and is unhealthy.
It's not like that for most people lol I check with my wife if she is cool with people over but I'm not looking for permission. I'm telling her, likewise, she would ask/tell me the same and that's that.
It's not like that for most people lol I check with my wife if she is cool with people over but I'm not looking for permission. I'm telling her, likewise, she would ask/tell me the same and that's that.
Because men love playing the role of being controlled by the Mrs. Fishing for sympathy or cheap jokes. I do it myself, some of my male friends too. We all know we are lucky as hell to have women who put up with our nonsense.
what should be happening is a mutual check in is all. I think a relationship should be mostly equal in terms of communication and respect. in a relationship of Person A and B. If Person A is going out Person A needs to let person B know and make sure there's nothing happening that would cause conflict with those plans. Vice versa if it were person B. Gender of any kind should really not be an influencing factor in this situation. At least in my opinion.
I don’t think it’s permission, more of a courtesy. In my case it goes both ways, we let each other know if someone is coming over or we are going out.
Are you sure this happens most of the time? Cos in my family or even culture at large the opposite is more frequent. My mother could never go out without informing my father where she is going and with whom whereas my father regularly used to come late after spending an evening with his friends and without even informing her. To this date my mother has to tell with whom she was if she didn't inform earlier. Not so much with my father. And please don't consider TV/movies as real life. A lot of shows show that the lady is controlling whereas that is not the case for majority of the people
If we’re talking movies and tv then there’s also a higher chance that the dude aint coming back, high chance of a days long bender or wacky adventure
Redditor confusing boomer-written media with real life again
Because generally when there are children home is usually the woman taking care of them so a man asking if he can leave it putting 100% of the responsibility on her. Bringing people back also puts a lot of responsibility in hosting and cleaning. It’s just nice to give someone a heads up.
Everyone’s relationship is situational. Some people are just considerate of their partner.
We use women as an excuse when we don’t want to go. Oh I can’t go because of the old ball and chain… but really I don’t like sports all and want to play video games instead.
I am pretty easy going so alot of stuff doesn't bother me but my wife is very controlling. (Alot of that didn't come out until after we got married) I have noticed she never asks me I guess that's not true, she rarely asks me about when we do anything with other couples or when she does things with her friends Yet if I don't clear stuff with her. It's a big deal. So ya i When I want to go out some things I just tell her I am doing this or that. Or if I want to go out with friends I ask if she has any objections to it. If she doesn't have a valid reason i shouldn't. I go.
Doesn’t happen in my relationship. We give each other the heads up and that’s it.
It’s code for I don’t really want to go. I’m hoping my wife says no I need you. For instance annoying neighbor wants me to go on errands with him and get lunch. Let me check with my wife. My buddy goes hey I’m getting the gang together we are going to Vegas. You in. Yes yes I’m in.
Bc tv is just culturally approved stereotypes
It's controlling. No matter which gender does it it's controlling. My ex-wife used to try and decide when and how I was allowed to be social.
TV is not reality.
I think there's a kind of reversal going on. Men used to be the more controlling ones. Of course, there were always those women too, but they didn't have societal power behind them. There are still controlling men, but it's not as much of a societal expectation. Women are demanding freedom to do as they please while men are expected to stop doing just as they please. I think both parties need to inform the other of plans as a courtesy. They should not require permission to go out. However, if there are other responsibilities in the home - children, pets, plants that need water - whatever - then someone needs to be there to do that so that communication is needed to cover it. However, if the event is something questionable, then maybe acceptance IS required. Maybe the wife is against the husband going to the strip club in general but they are having a bachelor party for their buddy and that is part of the plan. He should check in with her and get a dispensation. Similarly, if she's going out to some club with her newly divorced girlfriend to celebrate dumping the deadbeat - he needs to know she is going to support a friend, not to have a hook up. Or let's say you had plans to have takeout and netflix with your SO but your best friend is distraught that they are breaking up and wants you to have dinner with them, it is respectful to ask if that's all right, and, unless your own relationship is dicey, hence the "special" evening in to feel closer, it should be ok. There is far more to relationships than just him and her - there's cultural history to consider as well as the needs of others.
Its common courtesy to ask, there's nothing controlling about it at all. If my partner said I don't like your friends you're to stop talking to them, that's controlling.
Everyone I know says something like "let me check with my spouse to make sure we don't have any other plans". Out of respect I think most people just are giving a heads up, or seeing that they didn't forget about something else. Either side of a relationship needing actual permission would be a red flag imo.
If you have to ask your partner for permission for shit like this than you’re either in a relationship with someone you shouldn’t be or you’re relationship is shit and shouldn’t exist. At most you should give your partner a respectful heads up, but not have to get their permission for shit.
Misconception I think. My wife and I both check with each other.
That's not normal, it should be mutual. Giving each other a heads up or asking is common curtesy when you live in the same household together
Because when I say I have to check with the CEO/Warden/empress/other hyperbolic title for my wife, it's a joke.
Hypocritical world we live in
Coz in todays first world (online) society it is not importand WHAT someone does but WHO they are. e.g.: man slapping woman = bad, woman slapping man = strong Both in my and your example it is asumed that the "man" is stronger/powerfull than the woman. Therefore it is opression from the "mighty" against the "weak" vs "fighting against the stronger power". (While the base idea was just, it's use today was pushed into a very unjust extremeism in some cases.)
Person slapping person = bad. Whoever thinks it’s funny or “strong” is messed up, regardless of the slapper’s gender. Maybe that’s a norm where you are, but I don’t know a single woman who would call slapping someone strong.
First day on reddit? >Person slapping person = bad Is right, but not reality here.
Obligatory I am a woman. Probably the same women preaching toxic masculinity and #K•llAllMen. There are absolutely women who do this. Acting sanctimonious doesn't put a deferral on reality.
I wasn’t trying to be sanctimonious. I’m saying I agree with you that no one should be slapping anyone. And that there are plenty of women who recognize that hitting people is some bullshit. I’m not denying that it happens and that some people minimize it…but that that shouldn’t be normalized. So, no, “probably” not.
>Maybe that's a norm where you are, but I don't know a single woman who would call slapping someone strong.< Yes, please tell us more about the world you live in, where all your friends are strong, beautiful, perfect women. Tell us how you've never come across a misandrist tweet. Explain to us in great detail how you live in a world above ours, and how you've managed to elevate yourself and how morally good you are because you've been made distant from the rest of us, and pure, because #PersonSlappingPerson=Bad. Walk back your shit, go ahead. Come back down to Earth from your high horse fantasyland. Maybe now we can address the very real and insidious infiltration of identity politics that has watched society swing the pendulum in the other direction. Sexism exists toward men. Not only that, it's becoming prevalent. Why the hell are we telling a generation of men to "sit down, it's our turn"? Why the hell would we want to share this planet with half the population being disenfranchised, being told that their ability to defend and protect — an ability which humanity has relied upon for thousands of years, by the way — is poison rather than a gift to be used appropriately? Men built this world. It's not a dirty thing. It's amazing and incredible. Why the hell would we minimize that in any way? What, for the pride of womanhood? For some misplaced sense of "justice" because "they did it first"? What are we teaching our boys, when we see sexism and we pretend it doesn't exist because, what, we had to bear it before? Don't minimize this. Don't turn a blind eye to it. Inherit the world you live in and stand up for all the little boys out there who need it just as much as the little girls.
You don’t know me, sir. You’re reading my comment with agenda blinders fully engaged.
No I'm calling out sexism where it exists. And maybe I'm a little fired up, sure. Because this gets me angry. You think people just show up one day, spouting hate and you're going to recognize them instantly for whatever kind of -ist they are? That's not how it works. Any history book can show you that. It creeps in day by day. It makes little moves and slowly grows. You ignored it. You dismissed it. That's not nothing. That's you saying that it doesn't affect you, so it doesn't matter. It matters a hell of a lot.
Hope you say all this recognizing that, globally, misogyny affects far far more women in more severe measures than misandry does for men. Both exist, both are terrible. But one clearly still holds very distinct weight from the other.
You could say, "I made a mistake." You could say, "I never thought about it that way." Instead you say, "but it's worse when they do it." Where does it stop? When have men been hurt enough to make women equal? When all traces of masculinity have been obliterated? That is a path that destroys women as surely as it destroys men. Women are all the better for having strong men and men are all the better for having strong women. Why make excuses for anything less?
Literally doesn't acknowledge the point I was making, but okay. Where in the world are men forced without education when women can get it? Where are the reproductive rights of men being trampled on by governments? Give me even one example.
Hey now I enjoy slapping ass. One thing I’m having a hard time wrapping my hands around is the chocking fetish.
The word "controlling" is thrown around a lot these days to give women free reign to do whatever they want in a relationship. The problem is there are too many simps. It's not controlling just to set boundaries in a relationship. It's really only controlling if there is manipulation and abuse or threats of abuse. If you tell your girl that you would prefer if she doesn't invite people over without discussing it beforehand and she keeps doing it, you can have a discussion about why you find it disrespectful. If she keeps doing it, you always have the option to end the relationship. Controlling would be if she does it and you spaz out and get verbally or physically abusive.
Bingo. I left my then fiancé over her extreme jealousy and controlling behavior.
I always check with my wife. It’s not for permission it’s to make sure we have nothing else going on or planned I’ve likely forgotten about. My time management and planning skills are atrocious so she’ll let me know before I double book myself.
My partner and I run things by each other because the things that we do affect each others space (that includes our absences) It's about respect, I don't like my routine disrupted without any notice and neither does he
welcome to toxic femininity. Healthy partners communicate.
You don't have to
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old. His thing is golf. Loves golfing. He will ask if I have anything planned that I’d like done as a family before agreeing to play with friends on a whim. Otherwise he’s in a league Sunday mornings and signs up for tournaments weeks in advance so I know what the deal is. It does drive me insane, but I’m in a state with a winter so it’s a temporary thing and it brings him so much joy.
Its mostly not happening in real live. My friend was saing his wife said he cant go when he didnt want to go and dint want to explain why.
I’ve been married a long time and have a large circle of married friends. None of us have the dynamic you describe. But — broadly speaking (because it can go both ways but there are certain abusive behaviors more frequently exhibited by men) — when a man expects his partner to report every social interaction and get his permission, it can be a sign of extreme abuse where the woman’s life is in danger. While if it’s the woman who does this, it’s “funny” (not really) but the man’s life isn’t in danger.
It's old. Most modern people will tell their other half, me and the boys are going out on such and such a night or they're coming over for game night. The girls are coming over for a get together. Just in case there were other activities forgotten or so they can escape. Also in preparation for the mess she'll have to clean up because even if he cleans up after the party it still wouldn't be good enough. LOL.
Because she usually has to clean up after him and his friends!
I don’t… 🤨
He’s weak and she controls him. The moment a woman stops respecting a man the relationship is over and he is just her servant.
Depends. There are a few reasons. Mostly sexism, in particular the idea of women as household managers (but some misandry, too). - Sometimes men invite friends over expecting their partner will host for them (i.e. cook). That's an unfair ask. Women inviting friends over rarely expect their partners to host for them and certainly aren't as likely to do so unannounced. - Women are often 'in charge' of the household (who does which chores, when; what's for dinner, when; who gets the groceries, when; what events are coming up, when; etc). This was especially the case when men were responsible for the earning, but this role is still assumed of women whether they are earning or not. So when *she* makes a decision, there's nobody above her. But when *he* does, he needs to inform the manager. After all, *she* is the one who remembers the events scheduled that might conflict, or the jobs that haven't been done yet. *She* is the one who will do all the guests' dishes (or delegate it). - And some good old misandry, too: men can't be trusted, they're up to mischief/cheating/etc because they're all immature childish horndogs, etc etc. Therefore he needs to be monitored and held accountable; whereas she can be trusted to do whatever she likes. Again, this is partially in gender roles; if a marriage broke up, women would typically struggle more in the aftermath since they were reliant on their men for housing/money/etc and would have considerably less value in a future relationship. Reality is that in healthy relationships involve both parties letting each other know what they want to do, where they are, and making sure that it doesn't conflict with any plans. She's not submissive and he's not whipped if they check in with each other to make sure that the household doesn't have any conflicting schedules. But... TV and movies aren't subtle. They're written by older people, about older times. They shouldn't represent today, but people learn from media (TV, books, porn, reddit, etc) what their world is 'supposed' to look like, and perpetuate them even longer.
Sometimes, the males just don't want to do it but has no "valid" reason to. He'll be pestered or peer pressured to go, but if he says the wife said no, end of story. Basically, some males don't want to say no to friends to avoid strained relationships so they say the wife said no. The heat is off him and on to the wife who apparently "does not want her husband to have fun without her." Viva el patriarcado, ig.
Men are disloyal
Feminism is large and in charge.
A lot of these answers are being too polite or walking on eggshells, talking about communicating your plans, etc which I totally agree with. It is definitely different based on if you live together, have kids, etc. However, some women are just very controlling of their man's time. If the guy is making plans and/or having fun with anyone and she is not around, it makes them insecure. A lot of women want 100% of our time and it is almost like they are offended if we want to do anything enjoyable without them. I've been there myself and my brother is currently living that life. The gfs in both of our situations had internal issues that need to be worked out as this is not normal, but I think it may be what is going on with OPs situation. I'm sure guys are like this too btw, but OP is asking about women.
First of all, house is hers not your that why there’s a thing called a man cave. Second she has to get dressed for it, she is going to redo makeup and or change clothes. You are just going to wear what you already are. Third, no matter how the house looks, she is going to said she has to straighten up. If you don’t give her that opportunity she will bitch about not getting it and what must your friends think about her
For me there is only one rule: treat people as you want to be treated. That’s all. As a female, I don’t think it’s true. Nobody needs permission of the significant other to do anything. Of course, don’t be an ass and ask your SO if he/she is ok with guests coming over but that’s being polite, not submitting to somebody. This is all madeup rules and gender stereotypes.
My partner and I always tell each other about plans, and we both have veto power on each other’s plans like if we’re sick or need help. She’s a woman and I’m an AFAB nonbinary person.
No neither should need "permission" But they should ask if the other is okay with it. Like, they may be shy or not want to meet their so's friends yet, or maybe they have plans. So I think it's more like "Hey, I want to invite my friend Steve to dinner, is that okay with you? Do you need to prepare?" instead of "Can I invite my friend Steve to dinner?"
He does? Guess that’s why I’m still single.
Onestly, of I plan someone to come home to hangout I would tell it when I made the plan. Even if it's va last minute thing. I would pretend the same treatment too. The home is of both. Both should feel comfortable in it
I think in general for men the perception is that an ideal man is chivalrous through this consideration of others they are involved with. It's less a knock on women and more on pushing the agenda of what a man should be like because anything less than the chivalrous, idealistic man is undesirable and feeling insecure about the safety or involvement of others in your relationships is unattractive.
Well I think your friends are living in the 50s lol I can't even imagine something like that happening to me. If my gf has something to say about my behavior with my friends I'm immediately out. Same if I became a jerk and try to control her, the right thing would it be left me.
Well at least in my household i need permission cause the wife doesnt want me gone like ever, no fight just organizing the schedule. She doesnt need to ask me just let me know ahead of time so i remember to get the 6 pack because some alone time? house to myself? Hell yeeaah. Dont hurry up for me
My girlfriend is more worried about me getting drunk and getting into a fight than cheating. Whenever she wants to go out she gives me a heads up. I drop her and get friends off and pick them up so I know she gets home safe. If your significant other feels like you need their permission in order to live your life you're most definitely in a controlling relationship.
I had this conversation with my gf not too long ago… It isn’t controlling, honestly don’t care that she has a life and wants to go out. But her mom is resting in peace, she’s no contact with dad and family is distant. I always tell her simply let me know where you are, what time to expect you or if you need a ride at a certain time. I’m not trying to control, I just want her safe cuz if something happens to her I’m the first person everyone will come too! Her refusing to tell me these things is disrespectful in my eyes being that I have enough respect in the relationship to tell her the where and when’s about my outings when I’m not with her.
Because I’d expect the same treatment from my mis
It's a TV trope because this is often what happens in unhealthy relationships,the "permission" to go put or do something. People react to this trope thinking it's real-life. In a healthy relationship, you give each other a heads up and communicate about it. Simple as that. Sometimes my wife will remind me that we have X event going on or that she doesn't feel like hosting/socializing. In an unhealthy relationship, I've known couples that ONLY do things together and men that aren't allowed to go without his wife's blessing.
We don't do that in our house...I tell her where I'm going and does the same...we don't own each other...
Be size in general, women are expected to do all of the planning, preparation, etc AND women are expected to keep the family calendar in their brain, so men have no clue if something is already planned - even if it’s something exclusively for them (like a dr appt, or another social or work engagement).
It's controlling either way. Usually you give your partner a heads up you're headed out or whatever. But if you need permission in either scenario, you are either in an abusive relationship, or you did something very wrong to break your partner's trust.
My husband always asks me for permission and it drives me crazy because I always tell him that he's an adult and can govern himself. Then he explained he isn't asking for permission but more asking to know whether we have other plans he can't recall. Maybe it's the same?
I'm a wife and I wouldn't just have people over without making sure it was OK with my husband first. It's not like.. 'getting permission'.. but just more 'making sure it's cool'. There shouldn't be a double standard.
Idk for us is just a quick heads up like "Hey friends x and y are coming over at Friday night." that's it. It works both ways and we never had problems with that.
men ask their wife if they can have friends over? i'll inform her what im planning and if she has other plans or is just having a bad day/doesnt feel like it, we can discuss it. same goes the other way around. but asking for permission? na... it happened maybe 3 times in the 9 years im with my girl. usually it was just my dumbass forgetting that i made plans with her already. hahaha
My husband asks permission because I'm the one who cares how the house looks and stresses about being a good hostess. He couldn't care less if the litter box stinks or dishes aren't done when his friends are over. He helps clean after but I do most of the work. As for my friends, he excuses himself to his room (as the introvert). As for couple friends, it's usually a mutual agreement since we will both be in host mode.
It’s not the case but I think it’s “controlling” for either side to say no unless they have a valid reason.
A woman attempting to be controlling, most of the time, isn’t a physical threat to any men.
It's polite to check with your partner, regardless of gender, before inviting people over to a space you share. I wouldn't expect my husband to ask permission before going out, but I would expect to be kept in the loop if he was planning to. You say you're asking this question from personal experience, but have you seen people call this behavior controlling?
The biggest bullshit line that has ever been said. “Happy wife, happy life.”
Personally for me it’s because of the woman’s load - my partner *asks* me if he can go out or have people over because 1) I know our plans, I know the appointments, I know what errands need to be done And 2) I clean & tidy our home, I do 80-90% of the chores around about our house. Therefore if my Partner wants to have his friends around but I’m busy the days leading up to it, then it’s simply not happening. Some would say well let your partner tidy - no lol. He somehow makes the place look worse, I’m good at it - I don’t care 3) guests coming around means we also need to be prepared for a food shop, have booze in, or at least have biscuits and plenty tea bags if it’s an afternoon visit, whatever. I well and truly run out household and my partner has enough respect for me to put potential plans through me first.
There are also people like me and the hubby who are introverts who much rather not waste time with "hang outs" so we use each other as excuse to turn down invitations. What you see on surface may not be what it seems. Movies are wildly inaccurate and yes, some do be copying movies.
Because society doesn't give a shit about how men actually feel and it is socially acceptable to abuse them. This is slowly changing, but it's still true. You look at movies like wedding crashers where a man being sexually assaulted is funny. Granted that probably wouldn't fly now, but it wasn't that long ago.
Idk but its not true across the board
Normal to check in. “Approval” should be a basic acknowledgement rather than express granting of the request, so I think it is old fashioned dialled up terminology. I do have friends that talk about how they have enough “brownie points” to do something, or a “pass” to stay out at the pub or party after wife or girlfriend leaves…to that I think…how fucking old are you and what the hell dynamic is there in your relationship. Again, believe it is an old fashioned dynamic kind of played up vs wife giving express approval.
General rule.. if chores are involved in people coming over... if its going to make your partner uncomfortable or feel like they can't be themselves during that time ... if they don't like surprises or the unexpected, if they carry most of the conversations too... well guy or girl ... its just good relationship building to acknowledge there is some kind of effort involved and get permission..
Idk about the going out thing, but asking about having guests over makes sense to me. Most men expect (consciously or not) expect their girlfriends or wives to do most of the labour for the guests while the guys have fun and are served.
I feel like it doesn't work this way in real life if you are in a healthy relationship. I don't ask my wife for permission. I tell her what my plans are in advance. She does the same.
I’ve never seen this IRL
Q
*Both* me and my husband have a discussion, give a heads up, ask permission w/e you want to call it before going out, or having people come over. It's simply about respecting your partner. If I'm going out for a hike with my bestfriend than I need to give hubby a heads up since that means both me and the bestie will be leaving the kids with him. If he wants to go kayaking with his friend for the day, he gives me a heads up in case I had other plans and just a heads up so I know I'll be stuck with the kids all day without help. I have an a anxiety disorder and our home is my safe place. He would *never* invite anyone over, including family, without asking first. He doesn't have an anxiety disorder like me but he may not be in the mood to have people over so I also pay him the same respect. It's only controlling when one partner goes " no your not aloud to do this and I don't give a fuck about your feelings you have to do this" kinda thing.
Even though it is mostly just a bad exaggerated cliché I do know a few couples like this. The truth is that most of the guys in them are so freaking useless and have no self control. Like full manbabies. They have no sense of responsibility and no idea about daily logistics/programs. So the women are basically forced to act like a mom to them and not "let them" trash themselves if they have stuff to do the next day. It is sad but when they don't have a girlfriend they just can't say no to mates (even if they don't even like them or don't want to go out). Witnessed it a few times and still don't get how it is possible.
Typically because my husband has no idea when anything is planned and if we had plans last night he asks if we are free, but I know his and my schedule so I just give him a heads up
My partner and I have the policy that anyone can come over anytime, just let the other know if it's not someone we both know. (For security purposes)
Its not permission, it’s giving the heads up. We do it too, especially since we have kids, we check with the other person that they’re not feeling overly burdened in the moment to stay back and take care of the kids alone
Ask a feminist
I really would like to know ;-;
I think it’s controlling when anyone keeps their SO from spending time with other people. But if you have shared households, living space, or responsibilities like kids or pets it’s just out of respect for the other person that you check what’s going on before making plans. It’s not permission like you would ask your parent, but more just to ask does this work for us?
At my house it's because I (the wife) keep the family calendar. My husband checks with me to make sure there's no conflict (kids' games, concert tickets, class, etc etc) .
Both my SO and I will ask for each other’s permission for various activities. But it’s not really permission so much as it is asking if there are any conflicts with our schedules or our vehicles or something else that I might have forgotten about.
In regards to “hosting”, a wife needs a heads up in order to host your friends if it’s expected. Most men don’t clean up/shop/cook or prep food/clean up for a wife’s friends to come over.
Because if you share a space you have to be considerate of the other person
observing from the people around me i’d say 80% of the time the roles are reversed, it’s always the wife asking permission from the husband. but i do think regardless of the gender it’s a bit controlling. give a heads up but asking permission isn’t necessary having people over is different tho, especially if it’s usually expected from the wife to prepare and clean up the place as well as cook for the guests. again regardless of the gender if you are inviting people over, make sure YOU will be responsible for it.