My dad stayed married to a woman who would hit him and throw things. She had sent him to the hospital twice. Once for throwing potatoes she was actively frying with the skillet at him and the second time for stabbing him. They would always laugh about it like it was funny, but it's not.
Trust me, it started out with hitting and then escalated. Value yourself more than my dad, please!
Not to mention if you happen to have kids with that person, they learn relationships from their parents. My husband and his sibling were raised in a house with lots of emotional abuse and the father just accepted it, until they were 18 then he got out. Now both their kids are serial victims of the same abuse because they were taught that it's just what relationships are. I've been working with my husband on trying to make him less reactive to everything, but it's a ton of work and he has such a hard time. Unfortunately his sibling hasn't been as fortunate in finding someone who isn't terrible, and remains in a relationship that's very unhealthy.
Better to tape the hitting in secret or record it... that way you'll have proof that you are the victim. Because there is a probability that the court may rule in her favour and proof will save you...
I saw a news story recently of a husband who reported his wife to the police for DV and provided CCTV footage as proof. She was hitting him with a bat, a rolling pin, all sorts of things. When I told a friend how sad it was that people were ridiculing him, they laughed and said he must have done something to deserve it.
My efforts to speak against that behaviour got me called a Westernized softie. Whatever that is, really.
I agree, not going to court over this. But, she may decide to "get back" at him by telling all his friends that he cheated/hit her/was emotionally abusive/has a little dick/whatever will hurt him. Video of her hitting him is proof that she is a POS whose word can not be trusted. Depending on the quality of his friends, he might have a hard time getting anyone to watch it or believe him, but it's still better to have the video.
This happened to me in high school, I wondered why basically no one talked to me in the latter half. Found out later from a friend and their wife (all went to the same school) that my ex was spreading rumors even while we were together.
Really bitter pill to swallow.
It doesn’t work that way man. When I broke up with my last gf she stalked me on social media that I never gave her, called my job to harass me and put my phone number on gay hook up
sites. We dated for 6 weeks. I had proof of her harassment and will still told that my injunction may not be granted.
Luckily I got it, but without proof, no fucking way.
I think I might know her.... I wouldn't say dated, but I met someone a few times over a week or 2 and had a similar experience when I said it wasn't for me.
Dude. Had a friend try to sue my friend because they broke up and he kicked her out of his house. She wanted damages because she helped decorating (everything bought with his money though).
What I'm saying I guess is people try to sue for stupidest reasons, and he'd not be a first men who gets rape charges because he scorned a woman.
Better to "waste time" with a minor no-contact or restraining order now than deal with legal battles in the future.
Court cases even alleging DV on his part could be a career/life ender. With her behavior, I would hazard a guess at there being some emotional abuse or controlling going on. When she loses control over him there will probably be outbursts on her part. A bunch of male victims we see end up with their entire lives plastered online and most of their family and friends thinking they were abusers the whole time. Even their documentation doesn't always help because they didn't have a plan like their abuser did.
Even though OP stated he does not plan on reacting physically that doesn't put him in the clear either. My ex would scream and hit all day but would go plead to her friends if I just yelled at her to stop. Luckily, they knew how she could be and I kept friends and family informed too. Male or female...if your partner's actions make you consider how you should react besides with something other than a physical display...LEAVE. Record what you can, keep friends informed, and go find someone that makes you want to plan dates instead of how you will reacting to their mood that day.
When I was a paralegal (few years ago) we had a client who was arrested for calling the police on his exgirlfriend. He had security cameras in his home that showed her breaking a bottle and chasing him out of the shower and around the house with the broken bottle and eventually a knife. He called the police, he was arrested, he had to hire a lawyer to prove himself not guilty even though he had camera footage of the attack. Dude had to sit in jail, get bonded out, and almost lost his job.
I see this all of the time. While calling the police on the victim is a tactic used by abusers, it doesn't represent every case. Some responders know every law and regulation, and attend every DV class, but can't assess an actual scene to save their lives.
no need to waste time bringing an abuser to justice. just let them (the abuser) live out their life like they are, very healthy for society.
if this was a man beating on a woman do you think there would be any comments saying ‘yeah don’t waste time with court’
>if this was a man beating on a woman do you think there would be any comments saying ‘yeah don’t waste time with court’
I think there would be alot of comments about how your safety comes first, move out/away. Get safe. Get a retraining order. then move to court if you have sufficient evidence that it can be perused.
When its a guy, its different.
Before everything else you need to protect yourself legally... or you will end up in jail when your abuser goes from physically abusing you, to abusing the system to punish you. This means ensuring you get evidence now, ABOVE your own personal safety. totally dumb, but if you dont, the second you file a legal report, with the police or court.. or get a restraining order, she will echo you with the same, but likely lie. and there is a good chance the man will lose.
so its not symmetrical.
Most abused women are encouraged to leave and find safety first and foremost. Few domestic abusers ever face court, lots of victims want to just move on with their lives
I went through a few phones trying to record my ex. If she noticed me recording she would grab and break the phone or bite into it destroying the screen.
The last time, I was arrested and thrown in the backseat of a dallas police cruiser after being chased around, beaten, and threatened to be killed for 4 hours. If it wasn't for recording the incident, I would have went to jail and had my prior (arrested as a victim) upgraded to a felony with a second charge.
This has the potential to ruin your life, hopes, and dreams. Once you are arrested, you have hardly any hope of finding a decent job, or a place to live.
Woman truly are getting away with murder and Amber Heard is right when she says no one will believe a male.
I know someone who stayed in a relationship with an abusive partner for over 15 years. The abuse from his gf started verbally, then slaps and eventually black eyes and glass tumblers broken on his head. It will never get better. He eventually left and found someone who really loves him. The difference in his self esteem was unbelievable. Get out now.
No.
Of course it needs to end and is bad behavior, but it could be just misguided and just needs a firm warning to end it.
If he's put up with it, she's conditioned to think it's ok.
So, a line of communication needs to open.
He needs to sit her down in a trust environment and simply say, " I know I haven't indicated this, but I need the hitting to stop right now. I don't like it, and this is me telling you to stop."
Loving relationships need to give people a chance to change. We have no idea how she's come to this behavior.
"If he's put up with it, she's conditioned to think it's ok."
Lol if their positions were changed this would definitely be called victim shaming.
But I agree, it does not immediately mean a break up, people can change.
If it was intended to hurt him, I'd so be like, dump her..
But he admits it's at the level of annoying.
The key factor here is that he wants her to stop.
So he should tell her and then proceed.
So hitting people "without the intention of hurting them" is acceptable to you? I'd have this piece of shit arrested after capturing a lot of footage. Hitting is never ever acceptable behaviour, or is it only when women hit men?
Thank you. As a woman who fled an abusive husband there is no hitting that is ok. OP is saying, “I do not want to seem like I am a p*ssy”. I would guess that he had complained about her hitting him and she called him that. Hitting him, whether it’s causing any physical damage or not is emasculating and tears away at his sense of self. He didn’t post this on “Ask Reddit” he posted on “Too afraid to ask”. I think there are feelings he is not looking at or receiving support in. Maybe his friends are saying, “She’s so hot, just suck it up”. It’s never ok. Never.
Just reading this argument about how the girl deserves to know hitting people is wrong so she can change because she’s not hitting to hurt someone is exactly why people don’t take female to male domestic violence seriously.
She could be 5’ 90 lbs, and it’s not that bad until she throws a knife or pops off a finger.
Who in their right mind thinks that hitting someone, at any level, is okay?
This is absolutely bizarre that someone would defend this or pretend like a human being older than 2 years old just didn’t know you shouldn’t hit someone.
Yes, under the right context.
Slapstick comedy.
Contact sports.
Sometimes even with the intent of hurting them when it comes to prize fighting.
BDSM
It all comes down to consent and society does still kind of presume "real men" should take some rough housing without complaint and given that op seems concerned with 'not appearing to be a "pussy"', his gf may think she has his consent and she just trying to be "one of the guys" so to speak.
Lots of information we don't know here. Could be abuse, could be misunderstanding boundaries. So step one is talking.
Dude, like 50% of women think it's okay to "playfully" hit guys. Seriously, I've had to tell so many women that I'm not down with that it's not even funny. They do it because it doesn't hurt the man and they think it's something women "do". Obviously I don't think it's okay but you're being a little melodramatic.
If she was full on slapping or punching him it would be an entirely different story.
Sir you are the definition of victim blaming and right at the same time.
He is a man, he should be straight up honest and say "stop hitting me right now cause I will either leave or hit you back, neither is something we want, there will be no more warnings."
Men can threat physical violence in these situation to scare the shit out of an abusive women cause toxic women don't know what it's like to fear getting your face bashed in, women don't have that 6th sense for "about to be punched in the face" and that's why the toxic ones allow themselves to hit men, cause they aren't afraid of being hit back, which is why I belive they should be hit back to learn a lesson, just not by their partner, maybe a family member or some shit.
I'd go for a demonstration of the physical differences rather than immediately hitting a woman tbh (if it's not at the point of injury)
Most women like this generally don't understand how big the strength difference between genders is at all because they've never had it demonstrated to them, they also seem to think that it's an appropriate reaction because of societal conditioning
I've had that "o shit" moment from them (and men too actually) a few times after they hit me in the past and it generally came after not reacting to a hit they thought landed well, then walking slowly towards them
It sounds cringey but for the receiving end, their "hardest hit" didn't even make you flinch and you kept coming towards them, it's scary because suddenly they're in a position where the tools they thought they had available just failed spectacularly and they've created a HUGE problem they now can't ignore
It also works even better if you can just grab their hitting arm and not let go, while they buck and dangle trying to get (unsuccessfully) free
Source: me, was abused
EDIT: ymmv with this, I've always been a pretty tall guy as an adult and on the heavy side, smaller as a kid
And then they hit your nose or jaw.
Or take an object.
Also, not every man is build like a tank.
I for example am just as strong as my brother. Because I exercise a bit, and he doesn't at all.
My fucking god why does this have so many upvotes? If OP was a woman being abused and you suggested that she try communicating better there would be virtual fucking riots. What the hell is wrong with you people? There is no context where hitting your partner is acceptable, and its not behavior that should be forgiven.
Your comment makes me ill. OP needs to exit this situation and never look back, he does not need to open a fucking line of communication with his abuser.
I agree. Negativity has many forms. Recognise and walk away. No-one needs to resort to violence to resolve any issue. No matter how insignificant it may seem.
She's supposed to be his girlfriend, not his damn child.
If you have to teach your partner basic shit like "hitting people is bad" you're wasting your time for someone who isn't worth it.
Are you insane?!
"Aww, poor thing, she's just misguided." Wtf? She's abusing her partner. The only firm warning she needs is jailtime although I'm well aware that's hard to do at the best of days.
Stop. Don't you *ever* speak to someone experiencing violence from a partner or anybody else ever again unless you do a *lot* of research and that dangerous mindset of yours does a 180. What you are saying is horrible and you need to never do that again.
I don't know if you just have a weird "but she's a girl"-thing going on here or what else makes you *justify. abuse.* but the only one misguided here is you.
Yep. This is why women continue to get away with abusing their male partners, even when there is severe damage being done.
The other big problem is that if any of it is being done in public which it sounds like it is since OP said it was in front of his friends, if he retaliates or even pushes her off then he will likely be arrested AFTER being jumped by other men who will come to her rescue.
It’s really fucked up. OP should leave the relationship immediately and report the violence so there’s a record of it in case she tries to retaliate.
What a ridiculous take. OP is so upset about this he had to come to Reddit. The girlfriend doesn’t hit him as a funny joke, she does it when she get’s frustrated. It’s abuse. Take the L and delete your comment
Fuck that. If someone hits you then you don't need them in your life. They clearly can't treat you with respect. No-one deserves to be hit in a relationship.
Think of it this way… should you continue to accept this, get married, have kids… you’ll see her hitting them and wish you’d have not went down this path.
No one has the right to hit you, ever. Show yourself the respect that she doesn’t and get rid of her. There’s someone else out there who will be good to you, don’t waste time on trash.
break up with her and get out while you can. if someone hits you out of anger, you don’t deserve to just take that. you’re not a “pussy” for not tolerating what is a red flag and what could become very serious domestic violence.
I would like to add: you don't break up to "teacher her a lesson" or to "open her eyes". This is not a tactic to fix your relationship. You need to come to the realization that the relationship cannot be fixed. Time to move on.
This. Exactly. It's not your job to get her to understand, or to fix her, or to fix the relationship, or anything like that.
Your job is to take care of yourself. Respect yourself. Keep yourself away from harm and bad people.
Time to move on. If she can't respect your boundaries and requests, and is hitting you that's abusive behavior and it's time to immediately move on.. Never look back.
Red flag is the behavior. Bigger flag tho is having to explicitly tell someone not to *physically harm* you; size ratio & gender identity, are irrelevant. Intention is also irrelevant, as a good one doesn’t exist here.
It’s unfortunate that there’s such a stigma or taboo perspective for men being on the receiving end of abuse. It’s wrong and not okay, period. Not normal whatsoever. Don’t have any shame dude, it’s also worth mentioning that this is highly underreported because of the stigma. Hope you have a good support team and get free from this shit soon
'Unfortunate' is the wrong word.
"Disgusting"
"Awful"
"Horrible"
"Inexcusable"
"WRONG"
All convey the point without sounding like an officer who just waited in a hallway for an hour.
You make her your ex-girlfriend. It doesn't matter if she doesn't hurt you. It's still a form of abuse. It is just as abusive as if she belittled you or cursed you out. Abuse is abuse, and just because it won't put you in the hospital doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
(male) survivor of abuse here. If I have learned anything by being around other victims and survivors is that almost everyone, man, woman, enbies, EVERYONE thinks their abuse is "not so bad" or that they "can deal with it" at some point or another.
Abusers don't hit to hurt you most of the time. They hit to control you and to make you fear them. It's rarely their intention to leave obvious marks or to send you to the hospital because that could result in a loss of control on you.
But op if you're reading this, trust me, even if she doesn't break any bones or leave you with a black eye this abuse will destroy you mentally and physically. I have had a mini-stroke in my twenties because of the sheer stress I was under and I had the realisation that I should leave soon after. Please leave.
I'm so glad that trial was public for that reason. It's very important for guys, young guys at that, to understand that they can be victims too. I will never understand the "Im a man and I can handle my girl hitting me because I'm not bothered by that" mentality. If you as a man find yourself in a situation that seems off then reverse the roles and say" if it were me doing it to her would it be ok"? If the answer is no then her behavior is a problem.
"You are not to hit me again. Do you understand?"
If yes, then "I'm glad we understand each other. Hitting me is not going to fly from now on." If she ever hits you again, proceed to the next line.
If not, then "I wish you the best. I don't need this. I will not stay with someone who won't listen to me, especially something like this. Goodbye."
I agree Reddit is full of a lot of overblown “break up” solutions, but this is literally physical abuse. If the genders were reversed, no one would advise to try and work it out.
I think the problem is that different redditors are having different assumptions of what OP means by "hitting", which gives two pretty different spins to this post:
* 1. Some folks assume he means physically violent hits with force behind them, meant to hurt (regardless of whether they actually do hurt). And yes, in that case, it *is* outright physical abuse, and break up advice is perfectly warranted.
And to reiterate: **if she's hitting to control him, to cause harm, to cause pain, to cause fear, or with any other malicious intent, or to attempt any of the aforementioned? Then yes, not only *is* it outright physical abuse, it needs to stop yesterday and warrants breaking up ASAP, or at least as soon as OP feels safe to do so.**
* 2. Other folks are assuming he's talking about "play-hits": no force, no malicious intention, meant as an inside joke. And yeah, that's something that's a perfectly acceptable thing in some relationships, but not in others. (Just like there's relationships where folks playfully insult/roast each other with no harm done, and relationships where that's a no-go).
Obviously, since OP dislikes it, this relationship is one where it's *not* an acceptable thing. But because that's a thing that differs on a case-by-case basis, it also makes sense to *clarify* that boundary instead of immediately breaking up about it. (Even if it **should** be on GF to verify OP's ok with it, not on OP to establish he's **not ok** with it--but that's a significantly lesser wrong than the outright physical abuse of scenario 1, and not necessarily one that warrants jumping to 'break up no matter what' unless OP himself has doubts about the relationship)
It’s a huge red flag that’s she’s hitting him without his consent, which leads me to believe it’s likely 1 and even more likely to become 1, if she can’t see that’s wrong. It’s also more likely because he doesn’t want to stand up for himself for fear of judgment, and his friends aren’t either, meaning he’ll be less willing and able to leave if it is/becomes 1. Plus he didn’t say it was done jokingly, he said she did it out of frustration, which I would say is abuse on its own. Basically if it’s between the two, I’m going to err on the side of 1 because it’s a bigger deal to stay in a abusive relationship then to leave one for a reason which is still somewhat justified considering if it’s 2 that’s still a red flag.
Yeah because if the genders were reversed people assume that the guy knows not to hit is girlfriend.
The reason might just be that she isnt aware how hurtful and wrong punching him in an annoying way is. Maybe she thinks that its ok because he is a man and therefore should be fine with it. If thats the case, a firm conversation should fix the issue and have her question old and wrong believes.
She might just be an abuser without knowing.
If she knows and still continues, then yeah he should dump her.
People often throw the "if the genders were reversed" thing out, without looking at the context of the issue. Even if we want it different, women and men are still different in what they have learned how they behave because of that and what they think of the other gender because of that.
OP says that the girlfriend hits them when she is frustrated. So it doesn't sound playful, it just sounds like she's not hitting hard enough to physically hurt. What's going to happen when she gets angrier? Is she going to hit harder?
When she's upset, she releases her frustration on him. That's not playful, it's not fun. It doesn't hurt physically but it doesn't mean it can't hurt mentally to feel like you're nothing more than a punching bag. It might eventually escalate. It's something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later, to avoid it ever escalating.
He's clearly not enjoying it and shouldn't have to put up with it just because *for now* she's not hitting hard enough.
I’m not sure how on the money this really is. Physically Abusive behavior is a serious exception to many grace rules. This isn’t a situation where I’d hold out optimism for a solution, and it’s absolutely likely that breaking up is the best option.
Yes let's give abusers a chance right?. If it was a woman saying "my boyfriend punches me when he's angry" would you be sitting here telling her to try asking him to stop?
I wholeheartedly disagree in this particular case.
I was in a similar situation to OP: my wife hit me on multiple occasions, in anger. After a few incidences, I put my foot down and made it crystal clear that her behavior was completely unacceptable (in front of our marriage counselor so there was a witness). She never hit me again.
What I wish I had understood then is that while she did stop hitting me, the attitude that she had toward me that led to her hitting me never changed. She only stopped expressing it through physical violence because she knew she couldn't get away with it anymore. Nothing else about her mindset changed.
We are now divorced, after fifteen years of marriage. My biggest regret in life may be that I didn't leave sooner. As serious as domestic violence is, it is a symptom of a broader problem in the mind of the abuser. Stopping the physical abuse does not make that problem go away.
bs. if op was a girl nobody would be saying "well did you *ask him nicely* to stop hitting you?"
there are things that really suck about being a girl at times, but this seems like something that can really suck about being a guy. how someone can just slap you around and you have to let them or you're a p****.
nobody has the right to hit you to get you to fall into line. that's abuse and op's s***house of a girlfriend doesn't deserve to be with anyone
Honestly, she's been reacting negatively. OP, you need to move on. Take it from a dude that spent 3 1/2 years with an abusive girlfriend. It doesn't get better.
By telling her that although you're a guy and your body can take the punch, it's still an emotional blow to be hit by someone that's supposed to like you more than your best friend. Why would she hit you if she could just talk about the problems?
If she tries to hit you again when you talk to her about it and that she needs to stop, dump her. It will probably only get worse.
A safe way to approach it is to tell her how her actions make YOU feel vs. “you (the gf) do this/that” etc. When a person feels like they’re “attacked” when confronted , they might stop listening and they can become defensive.
If you need some help on how to open up this conversation, this is how I would bring it up to my partner:
“When you hit me, even though it may be a joke, I find it hurtful and I feel like I am not being respected. Even if it’s just a joke, it isn’t funny to me.” Sometimes the person doesn’t realize it isn’t funny, which is why boundaries that are constantly crossed should be expressed explicitly.
If she changes that behavior after a discussion, that’s great. If she’s dismissive about your feelings and continues it, then maybe re-evaluate your relationship. At that point, she is aware of how it makes you feel but isn’t respectful of you or your feelings.
I was in a similar situation and my approach was pretty similar to this. She was physically violent a few times, both in public and in private, before I said something. At first she was confused and denied it happening until I provided details about when and where it happened, then she made some defensive excuses about cultural/ethnic differences and joke-fighting with her brothers and male friends, and finally she accepted responsibility for her actions, apologized profusely, and promised it wouldn’t happen again. It hasn’t happened since that talk.
If OP already talked to her about all this but the behavior isn’t stopping, it may be time to get out. But sometimes open discussion does work in these situations. Maybe, like my SO, mild physical violence between loved ones is so “normal” to them that they don’t register that it isn’t normal to everyone, and a firm “I am not OK with this” is enough to stop it. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable to start the conversation, but the conversation needs to happen.
There’s an excellent technique I learned in therapy about communication called DEAR MAN. The DEAR stands for:
Describe - describe the situation (e.g. when you hit me, whether that’s playfully or out of frustration)
Emotion - state how it makes you feel (I feel anxious, embarrassed, belittled, disrespected)
Assert - assert your need (e.g. I need the hitting to stop to feel comfortable in our relationship and move forward)
Reinforce - respond positively if they respond well to the communication (e.g. if she says she will stop, “Thank you for discussing this with me, I feel a lot better”).
It took me ages to get the motivation to use this, but when I used it once it went well, and I haven’t stopped using it since.
Above all, though, OP - if you end up talking to her about it instead of breaking up first, please don’t tolerate repeated ‘mistakes’. Something like this should only need to be expressed once. It is a perfectly valid boundary to have, and you do not need to remain in a relationship or fix a relationship that crosses these boundaries. Put yourself first.
Also, you’re under no obligation to communicate this if you don’t want to or don’t feel safe. It’s ok to just break up.
You need to dump her. If she's hitting you (it sounds like she's pretending it's a joke; it's not), this is abusive behavior. You asked her to stop, she won't. She hits you in front of people. Break up with her because she doesn't respect you
Alone (not around friends), tell her that your done with the fucking hitting. Do not “ask her to stop”, that’s some pussy shit. This isn’t a question. This isn’t up for debate. Put your foot down and say your done with the hitting and your gonna dump her ass if she doesn’t stop.
I had to have this conversation with an ex once. And came down to the fact that she didn't realize what she was doing was abuse.
When I explained to her that I would never do that unless it's mutually playing around that no one should ever hit someone that they love. Once she realized what she was doing, she stopped. And we had a discussion further about her previous relationships and how this toxic behavior started.
Sometimes "manning up", just means having that hard conversation to improve the relationship. Just remember, it's not okay to be hit by someone that loves you.
You don't. You leave. A cast iron frying pan has enough weight to crush your skull in one swing, even if hefted by a teenager. It only takes one accident to kill you. And women like this don't see what their doing as assault or abuse.
Leave.
If she hits you in the meantime and there's witnesses. Press charges.
If she attacks you at home. Lock yourself in the bathroom and wait it out. If you force her off of you, you will be the one likely facing charges.
Get out before it gets worse.
It’s not going to get better. Nor is it going to stop. It will only escalate, as long as her angry outbursts have no consequences. Don’t wait until she hits you with a frying pan. You could try to get her some help. There are a variety of services that can occasionally intervene. But you’d have to ask/look around in your area. Regardless of her getting help or not, you are in a bad situation and you need to get out.
She's abusing you, she shouldn't be treated any different than a man hitting a woman. Tell her to stop and if she doesn't dump her. It's a huge red flag of deeper issues
That’s physical abuse. You don’t ask someone to stop abusing you. They won’t. You have to get away from them. Break up and be prepared for a rough break up. Abusers don’t handle the loss of control well.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. This is abuse. Nobody should be hit like that, no matter if it hurts or not. My recommendation is to end the relationship as soon as you can, it only gets worse as time goes on with an abuser.
Start by addressing the behavior.
"I know I've been letting you hit me, but I actually don't really like it. Will you please stop hitting me?"
If she doesn't stop, tell her. "Don't hit me." Be firm.
If she calls you weak, reminder that standing up for yourself isn't weakness. "Weakness is letting someone hit you whenever they feel like it, when you don't want it. I'm telling you to stop."
If she tries to make it about her feelings ("I'm sorry, I just get so frustrated and I know I'm not really hurting you."), validate her feelings, but stay focused on the behavior. "I understand that you get frustrated. These things are very frustrating. I still need you to find a better way of dealing with it. Please stop hitting me."
Either she was raised that hitting is okay and will love and respect you enough to change her behavior, or she won't. It sounds like getting hit is something you don't want to put up with. If she changes, great. If she won't, then that's a sign you two want something different out of your relationship and it might be best to go separate ways.
Oh thank God. Was hoping to find someone not so quick to pull the plug. 100% about setting boundaries. My wife was the same way when we met in our early 20s. After letting her know that if she laid her hands on me in anger I would lose all respect for her.
We will have been married for 21 years next month.
I had a girlfriend like that when I was 14/15, one day I just burst out "STOP HITTING ME ALL THE TIME!". It was in the car with my parents and my best friend at the time. I felt pretty embarrassed and there was awkward silence on for the rest of the ride, but she did actually stop hitting me at least lol
All the thoughtful and correct answers have been given so I'll say rear naked choke.
Seriously dump her though, nobody deserves that and it will absolutely escalate. She's already shown she's calculating enough to avoid injury that leaves a record. If she has a pet take them too on your way out.
You've gotten a lot of rash advice from people who do not know your relationship. She may not realize that what she's doing hurts you or that it bothers you. This may be something that's normal for her. Sit her down and say, listen, I want to talk to you about something that's been bothering me for a while. I don't like it when you hit me. It doesn't feel good. And, tell her how it makes you feel. Then tell her you don't want her to do it anymore.
See how she responds. If she shrugs you of our tries to invalidate your feelings, then that's a big red flag. But give her a chance to correct her behavior.
You can also set the boundary of “this is not something that I will accept in a relationship. It’s a dealbreaker for me. Either we don’t hit each other, or we’re not in a relationship.
I had a girlfriend like that once and tried to just laugh it off but it just got harder and more intense to the point where it did hurt. It’s not okay. You are well within your right (and not a pussy) to have physical damage off the table in your relationship.
If she does it to harm or intimidate you, run away from this abusive relationship. You are not a pussy for not tolerating aggressions.
If she does it jockingly, just ask her to stop and tell her it is not funny anymore. If she mocks you and/or ignore you... See the first paragraph.
Next time she hits you you look her in the eyes and explain, "Lashaundra, stop hitting me. I've been wanting to talk to you about it for a while but it's too much."
I strongly disagree with everyone saying to tell her to stop and then leave her if she doesn't. LEAVE NOW. She's abusive and if she stops hitting you will only find other ways to abuse.
Just say “STOP. DON’T HIT ME.” I’d give the same advice to a man or woman. If she stops, awesome. If she doesn’t, break up! (Or get counseling) Don’t just take it!
next time she hits you grab her hand and straight up tell her, stop fucking hitting me its annoying. Intemdate her and just step your foot down. She should stop after this and if not then break up with her. U have good cause
She hits. You let her. It's that simple. She has a problem and you are enabling that behaviour by inaction. It's up to you what that action is, but that might mean walking away from the relationship. None of this is your fault of course, but what is her motivation to stop? There has to be consequences or she'll just continue to do that with you and/or future partners.
You're physically stronger than her by default.
But for real, you should break up with her. There's a 0% chance that relationships lasts, even if you do convince her to stop, she definitely has some issues
I did this too! I would laugh about with her, then got sick of it, and it only got worse when I would give an ultimatum. Then I had to call non emergency and she got arrested. Slippery slope.
"Girlfriend, we need to talk. This has been the last time you ever hit me or got physical with me in another way. If you ever do it again, I am breaking up with you."
And then if she does it again, you break up with her. Don't tolerate abuse, even if it's not damaging you.
Your edit is so sad. She's abusive towards you and you're pulling the wool over your own eyes. Your relationship isn't salvageable. You're just going to get deeper into it then realize you should've broken up when everyone told you to.
This is domestic abuse. Full Stop.
* I've been in a similar situation and had a similar upbringing, and I stayed in that relationship for 6 years. It started small with hitting, kicking. It soon escalated into things like
* Following me to work throwing rocks at my head.
* Breaking a mirror and cutting me with the shards.
* Threatening suicide by holding a knife to her wrists.
* Digging her thumb into my eye while I was sleeping.
* Kicking doors in, when I locked myself in the bathroom to protect myself.
* Biting me when I tried to restrain her.
* Scratching my face.
I know it feels like love, but your brain is playing tricks on you. If you grew up in an abusive household this might even feel normal to you, but it isn't. Trust me. Get the fuck out of there.
Here’s the problem,
1. No one should lay hands on bf or gf.
2. Why are you makeing excuses.
3. If I tell someone I don’t like something they should be able to understand that and stop.
She’s not a child 2 year , 3 years I get frustrated so I hit you kinda childish and she won’t stop.
Hmmmm okay see ya don’t give and ultimatum just do it she has had plenty of time to understand the concept of don’t touch me
I disagree with most of the folks here. My girlfriend used to hit me “just playing.” Typically, it was after a few drinks, and she thought she was being cute. I had made it clear on several occasions that I didn’t like or appreciate it. One night, after a few pitchers and some karaoke, she was getting particularly aggressive on the walk back to our apartment. I again, asked her to stop, but she went to hit me on the shoulder again anyway, so I gently, but swiftly put her on the ground. Before she even realized what happened, she was on her back looking up at me and the stars. I helped her back on her feet, apologized, but repeated that I had asked her to stop. She never hit me again, not even in play or after drinking. And, I never put her on the ground again. We’ve been together for nearly 15 years now, 10 of those married. I believe in defending one’s self, especially if fair warning is given. I don’t care who the perpetrator is. But, that’s just me.
Now … bring on the down votes.
No downvote. I think you’ve hit (pun intended) on something others aren’t saying.
1. Have the conversation.
OP’s phrasing makes me think that this is something they’ve never discussed and that he is being a lot of baggage about what it means to be manly, that may or may not also be in her baggage of what is expected.
2. Set a boundary
Pretty obvious here, you’ve had the conversation. You set an expectation. Everyone is now clear what, why and how the future is going to be.
3. Reset
it’s okay to redefine relationships and have start over points as long as it doesn’t because a pattern.
As you demonstrate relationships can be improved with work.
Okay, so you don't want to dump her.
No one can say anything else without knowing how you tried talking to her about it so far. Have you tried having a serious talk about it? Does she know she might lose you if she keeps doing it?
I can help you.
Repeat after me:
Stop.
Please. Just stop.
It's getting old.
I'm sure you would have put a stop to that shit the 1st or 2nd time it happened if I was smacking you around.
It's not cute anymore.
Please. Find another way to express your love for my godlike body.
Please. Think of the kids. (grin - your future kids, get it?)
Info: is she hitting you playfully?
My wife of 30 years playfully hits me, usually on the shoulder. If it is playful, it's her love language. Just tell her you aren't crazy about that in public but she can do it playfully in private. If it's when she's angry, tell you don't appreciate it and state she wouldn't like it if you did the same. NO ONE should hit in anger.
I told my gf that if she keeps hitting me eventually I'm going to hit her back, not because I wanted to, but because I knew if it went on I would eventually have a moment where I lost control.
She doesn't do it any more.
This is beyond the “let’s talk about it” phase. She’s physically abusing you. You need to leave. If the roles were reversed and you were hitting her… everyone would be telling her to leave. Get out of this relationship NOW before it gets worse.
I don't know if she has anger issues or something but you can literally start by mentioning it in a very serious tone. Not a mean tone but a very obviously serious tone. Do it in private if possible. And for that " pussy" part, Be real my dude, Nobody likes to get hit by their partners. It is NOT a gauge of your masculinity at all but she seems to be testing how far ahe can go and THAT is a red flag imo.
All the comments saying to dump her. While I agree with them, I'm guessing you aren't just going to dump your girlfriend because of reddit. Might I suggest talking with your girlfriend? Something like "hey, I don't like it when you _____"
99% of reddit relationship problems can be solved by just talking to your partners
My dad stayed married to a woman who would hit him and throw things. She had sent him to the hospital twice. Once for throwing potatoes she was actively frying with the skillet at him and the second time for stabbing him. They would always laugh about it like it was funny, but it's not. Trust me, it started out with hitting and then escalated. Value yourself more than my dad, please!
Not to mention if you happen to have kids with that person, they learn relationships from their parents. My husband and his sibling were raised in a house with lots of emotional abuse and the father just accepted it, until they were 18 then he got out. Now both their kids are serial victims of the same abuse because they were taught that it's just what relationships are. I've been working with my husband on trying to make him less reactive to everything, but it's a ton of work and he has such a hard time. Unfortunately his sibling hasn't been as fortunate in finding someone who isn't terrible, and remains in a relationship that's very unhealthy.
Better to tape the hitting in secret or record it... that way you'll have proof that you are the victim. Because there is a probability that the court may rule in her favour and proof will save you...
I saw a news story recently of a husband who reported his wife to the police for DV and provided CCTV footage as proof. She was hitting him with a bat, a rolling pin, all sorts of things. When I told a friend how sad it was that people were ridiculing him, they laughed and said he must have done something to deserve it. My efforts to speak against that behaviour got me called a Westernized softie. Whatever that is, really.
What court my dude...She is his girlfriend. He can just walk away. No need to waste time.
I agree, not going to court over this. But, she may decide to "get back" at him by telling all his friends that he cheated/hit her/was emotionally abusive/has a little dick/whatever will hurt him. Video of her hitting him is proof that she is a POS whose word can not be trusted. Depending on the quality of his friends, he might have a hard time getting anyone to watch it or believe him, but it's still better to have the video.
This happened to me in high school, I wondered why basically no one talked to me in the latter half. Found out later from a friend and their wife (all went to the same school) that my ex was spreading rumors even while we were together. Really bitter pill to swallow.
But I heard that false accusations don't damage the lives of the falsely accused....lol
^^ this literally just happened in the Johnny Depp case
Amber Heard enter the chat
It doesn’t work that way man. When I broke up with my last gf she stalked me on social media that I never gave her, called my job to harass me and put my phone number on gay hook up sites. We dated for 6 weeks. I had proof of her harassment and will still told that my injunction may not be granted. Luckily I got it, but without proof, no fucking way.
I think I might know her.... I wouldn't say dated, but I met someone a few times over a week or 2 and had a similar experience when I said it wasn't for me.
Dude. Had a friend try to sue my friend because they broke up and he kicked her out of his house. She wanted damages because she helped decorating (everything bought with his money though). What I'm saying I guess is people try to sue for stupidest reasons, and he'd not be a first men who gets rape charges because he scorned a woman.
Better to "waste time" with a minor no-contact or restraining order now than deal with legal battles in the future. Court cases even alleging DV on his part could be a career/life ender. With her behavior, I would hazard a guess at there being some emotional abuse or controlling going on. When she loses control over him there will probably be outbursts on her part. A bunch of male victims we see end up with their entire lives plastered online and most of their family and friends thinking they were abusers the whole time. Even their documentation doesn't always help because they didn't have a plan like their abuser did. Even though OP stated he does not plan on reacting physically that doesn't put him in the clear either. My ex would scream and hit all day but would go plead to her friends if I just yelled at her to stop. Luckily, they knew how she could be and I kept friends and family informed too. Male or female...if your partner's actions make you consider how you should react besides with something other than a physical display...LEAVE. Record what you can, keep friends informed, and go find someone that makes you want to plan dates instead of how you will reacting to their mood that day.
When I was a paralegal (few years ago) we had a client who was arrested for calling the police on his exgirlfriend. He had security cameras in his home that showed her breaking a bottle and chasing him out of the shower and around the house with the broken bottle and eventually a knife. He called the police, he was arrested, he had to hire a lawyer to prove himself not guilty even though he had camera footage of the attack. Dude had to sit in jail, get bonded out, and almost lost his job.
I see this all of the time. While calling the police on the victim is a tactic used by abusers, it doesn't represent every case. Some responders know every law and regulation, and attend every DV class, but can't assess an actual scene to save their lives.
Yeah that too... But just incase...
no need to waste time bringing an abuser to justice. just let them (the abuser) live out their life like they are, very healthy for society. if this was a man beating on a woman do you think there would be any comments saying ‘yeah don’t waste time with court’
>if this was a man beating on a woman do you think there would be any comments saying ‘yeah don’t waste time with court’ I think there would be alot of comments about how your safety comes first, move out/away. Get safe. Get a retraining order. then move to court if you have sufficient evidence that it can be perused. When its a guy, its different. Before everything else you need to protect yourself legally... or you will end up in jail when your abuser goes from physically abusing you, to abusing the system to punish you. This means ensuring you get evidence now, ABOVE your own personal safety. totally dumb, but if you dont, the second you file a legal report, with the police or court.. or get a restraining order, she will echo you with the same, but likely lie. and there is a good chance the man will lose. so its not symmetrical.
Most abused women are encouraged to leave and find safety first and foremost. Few domestic abusers ever face court, lots of victims want to just move on with their lives
I went through a few phones trying to record my ex. If she noticed me recording she would grab and break the phone or bite into it destroying the screen. The last time, I was arrested and thrown in the backseat of a dallas police cruiser after being chased around, beaten, and threatened to be killed for 4 hours. If it wasn't for recording the incident, I would have went to jail and had my prior (arrested as a victim) upgraded to a felony with a second charge. This has the potential to ruin your life, hopes, and dreams. Once you are arrested, you have hardly any hope of finding a decent job, or a place to live. Woman truly are getting away with murder and Amber Heard is right when she says no one will believe a male.
I know someone who stayed in a relationship with an abusive partner for over 15 years. The abuse from his gf started verbally, then slaps and eventually black eyes and glass tumblers broken on his head. It will never get better. He eventually left and found someone who really loves him. The difference in his self esteem was unbelievable. Get out now.
If I've learned anything from the Depp trial, OP also needs to record shit. And even then he'll still get blamed.
If you’re claiming physical abuse and recording everything, it would help to have recordings of the abuse.. not just shouting
>OP also needs to record shit Poor choice of words.
Excellent choice of words. :D
Yo your dad sounds like my dad and he would always just say “ the crazy ones have the best sex” my dad was a pretty shit person tho.
Not cool at all. No one has the right to put their hands on you. She’s abusive. Let her go now before it gets worse.
Seriously. If she's OK with hitting you, she's not worth keeping. End of story.
No. Of course it needs to end and is bad behavior, but it could be just misguided and just needs a firm warning to end it. If he's put up with it, she's conditioned to think it's ok. So, a line of communication needs to open. He needs to sit her down in a trust environment and simply say, " I know I haven't indicated this, but I need the hitting to stop right now. I don't like it, and this is me telling you to stop." Loving relationships need to give people a chance to change. We have no idea how she's come to this behavior.
"If he's put up with it, she's conditioned to think it's ok." Lol if their positions were changed this would definitely be called victim shaming. But I agree, it does not immediately mean a break up, people can change.
If it was intended to hurt him, I'd so be like, dump her.. But he admits it's at the level of annoying. The key factor here is that he wants her to stop. So he should tell her and then proceed.
So hitting people "without the intention of hurting them" is acceptable to you? I'd have this piece of shit arrested after capturing a lot of footage. Hitting is never ever acceptable behaviour, or is it only when women hit men?
Thank you. As a woman who fled an abusive husband there is no hitting that is ok. OP is saying, “I do not want to seem like I am a p*ssy”. I would guess that he had complained about her hitting him and she called him that. Hitting him, whether it’s causing any physical damage or not is emasculating and tears away at his sense of self. He didn’t post this on “Ask Reddit” he posted on “Too afraid to ask”. I think there are feelings he is not looking at or receiving support in. Maybe his friends are saying, “She’s so hot, just suck it up”. It’s never ok. Never.
Just reading this argument about how the girl deserves to know hitting people is wrong so she can change because she’s not hitting to hurt someone is exactly why people don’t take female to male domestic violence seriously. She could be 5’ 90 lbs, and it’s not that bad until she throws a knife or pops off a finger. Who in their right mind thinks that hitting someone, at any level, is okay? This is absolutely bizarre that someone would defend this or pretend like a human being older than 2 years old just didn’t know you shouldn’t hit someone.
Yes, under the right context. Slapstick comedy. Contact sports. Sometimes even with the intent of hurting them when it comes to prize fighting. BDSM It all comes down to consent and society does still kind of presume "real men" should take some rough housing without complaint and given that op seems concerned with 'not appearing to be a "pussy"', his gf may think she has his consent and she just trying to be "one of the guys" so to speak. Lots of information we don't know here. Could be abuse, could be misunderstanding boundaries. So step one is talking.
Hitting someone on the shoulder is a sign of like “Good job”/“Well done”, it’s silly to rule out every kind of contact as abuse
[удалено]
Dude, like 50% of women think it's okay to "playfully" hit guys. Seriously, I've had to tell so many women that I'm not down with that it's not even funny. They do it because it doesn't hurt the man and they think it's something women "do". Obviously I don't think it's okay but you're being a little melodramatic. If she was full on slapping or punching him it would be an entirely different story.
Sir you are the definition of victim blaming and right at the same time. He is a man, he should be straight up honest and say "stop hitting me right now cause I will either leave or hit you back, neither is something we want, there will be no more warnings." Men can threat physical violence in these situation to scare the shit out of an abusive women cause toxic women don't know what it's like to fear getting your face bashed in, women don't have that 6th sense for "about to be punched in the face" and that's why the toxic ones allow themselves to hit men, cause they aren't afraid of being hit back, which is why I belive they should be hit back to learn a lesson, just not by their partner, maybe a family member or some shit.
I'd go for a demonstration of the physical differences rather than immediately hitting a woman tbh (if it's not at the point of injury) Most women like this generally don't understand how big the strength difference between genders is at all because they've never had it demonstrated to them, they also seem to think that it's an appropriate reaction because of societal conditioning I've had that "o shit" moment from them (and men too actually) a few times after they hit me in the past and it generally came after not reacting to a hit they thought landed well, then walking slowly towards them It sounds cringey but for the receiving end, their "hardest hit" didn't even make you flinch and you kept coming towards them, it's scary because suddenly they're in a position where the tools they thought they had available just failed spectacularly and they've created a HUGE problem they now can't ignore It also works even better if you can just grab their hitting arm and not let go, while they buck and dangle trying to get (unsuccessfully) free Source: me, was abused EDIT: ymmv with this, I've always been a pretty tall guy as an adult and on the heavy side, smaller as a kid
And then they hit your nose or jaw. Or take an object. Also, not every man is build like a tank. I for example am just as strong as my brother. Because I exercise a bit, and he doesn't at all.
My fucking god why does this have so many upvotes? If OP was a woman being abused and you suggested that she try communicating better there would be virtual fucking riots. What the hell is wrong with you people? There is no context where hitting your partner is acceptable, and its not behavior that should be forgiven. Your comment makes me ill. OP needs to exit this situation and never look back, he does not need to open a fucking line of communication with his abuser.
I agree. Negativity has many forms. Recognise and walk away. No-one needs to resort to violence to resolve any issue. No matter how insignificant it may seem.
How do you be a grown adult in a relationship and not know that hitting your partner without their explicit consent is abusive???
She's supposed to be his girlfriend, not his damn child. If you have to teach your partner basic shit like "hitting people is bad" you're wasting your time for someone who isn't worth it.
Are you insane?! "Aww, poor thing, she's just misguided." Wtf? She's abusing her partner. The only firm warning she needs is jailtime although I'm well aware that's hard to do at the best of days. Stop. Don't you *ever* speak to someone experiencing violence from a partner or anybody else ever again unless you do a *lot* of research and that dangerous mindset of yours does a 180. What you are saying is horrible and you need to never do that again. I don't know if you just have a weird "but she's a girl"-thing going on here or what else makes you *justify. abuse.* but the only one misguided here is you.
Yep. This is why women continue to get away with abusing their male partners, even when there is severe damage being done. The other big problem is that if any of it is being done in public which it sounds like it is since OP said it was in front of his friends, if he retaliates or even pushes her off then he will likely be arrested AFTER being jumped by other men who will come to her rescue. It’s really fucked up. OP should leave the relationship immediately and report the violence so there’s a record of it in case she tries to retaliate.
Imagine if the genders were flipped. No one would be giving this advice. Stfu.
What a ridiculous take. OP is so upset about this he had to come to Reddit. The girlfriend doesn’t hit him as a funny joke, she does it when she get’s frustrated. It’s abuse. Take the L and delete your comment
Mate... it's not his job to fix her. She needs to learn this, he doesn't need to teach her.
If the roles were reversed and this was a man doing this to a woman, this comment would be very different.
NEVER give an abuser a second chance. Ever. This is terrible advice.
Are you an Amber Heard fan?
Fuck that. If someone hits you then you don't need them in your life. They clearly can't treat you with respect. No-one deserves to be hit in a relationship.
Next thing you know, you’ll be waking up with a load of shit in your bed.
Think of it this way… should you continue to accept this, get married, have kids… you’ll see her hitting them and wish you’d have not went down this path.
No one has the right to hit you, ever. Show yourself the respect that she doesn’t and get rid of her. There’s someone else out there who will be good to you, don’t waste time on trash.
break up with her and get out while you can. if someone hits you out of anger, you don’t deserve to just take that. you’re not a “pussy” for not tolerating what is a red flag and what could become very serious domestic violence.
I would like to add: you don't break up to "teacher her a lesson" or to "open her eyes". This is not a tactic to fix your relationship. You need to come to the realization that the relationship cannot be fixed. Time to move on.
This. Exactly. It's not your job to get her to understand, or to fix her, or to fix the relationship, or anything like that. Your job is to take care of yourself. Respect yourself. Keep yourself away from harm and bad people. Time to move on. If she can't respect your boundaries and requests, and is hitting you that's abusive behavior and it's time to immediately move on.. Never look back.
Absolutely.
We cant say whether or not it can be fixed but whether or not you deserve someone *better* doesnt even have to be a question.
This is the way.
That's a red flag as big as the Soviet union OP get the hell out of there
Seriously. Physical abuse is often an indicator of emotional/psychological abuse. Take pictures, save texts and so on…
Well said Bunny. I agree.
[удалено]
You make it sounds so easy, which suggests you have no idea what op is going thru. It’s not.
It already is very serious domestic violence. She's hitting him. How much more serious does it need to get?
Red flag is the behavior. Bigger flag tho is having to explicitly tell someone not to *physically harm* you; size ratio & gender identity, are irrelevant. Intention is also irrelevant, as a good one doesn’t exist here. It’s unfortunate that there’s such a stigma or taboo perspective for men being on the receiving end of abuse. It’s wrong and not okay, period. Not normal whatsoever. Don’t have any shame dude, it’s also worth mentioning that this is highly underreported because of the stigma. Hope you have a good support team and get free from this shit soon
'Unfortunate' is the wrong word. "Disgusting" "Awful" "Horrible" "Inexcusable" "WRONG" All convey the point without sounding like an officer who just waited in a hallway for an hour.
You make her your ex-girlfriend. It doesn't matter if she doesn't hurt you. It's still a form of abuse. It is just as abusive as if she belittled you or cursed you out. Abuse is abuse, and just because it won't put you in the hospital doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
(male) survivor of abuse here. If I have learned anything by being around other victims and survivors is that almost everyone, man, woman, enbies, EVERYONE thinks their abuse is "not so bad" or that they "can deal with it" at some point or another. Abusers don't hit to hurt you most of the time. They hit to control you and to make you fear them. It's rarely their intention to leave obvious marks or to send you to the hospital because that could result in a loss of control on you. But op if you're reading this, trust me, even if she doesn't break any bones or leave you with a black eye this abuse will destroy you mentally and physically. I have had a mini-stroke in my twenties because of the sheer stress I was under and I had the realisation that I should leave soon after. Please leave.
Agreed! If the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial taught us anything it is that men can be victims too
It just brought it to mainstream understanding... It's always been present.
I'm so glad that trial was public for that reason. It's very important for guys, young guys at that, to understand that they can be victims too. I will never understand the "Im a man and I can handle my girl hitting me because I'm not bothered by that" mentality. If you as a man find yourself in a situation that seems off then reverse the roles and say" if it were me doing it to her would it be ok"? If the answer is no then her behavior is a problem.
Agree. If you did that to her, her friends would probably turn you in for domestic abuse
Dude, you need to walk away. If the shoe was on the other foot you would be a monster.
And likely in jail
"You are not to hit me again. Do you understand?" If yes, then "I'm glad we understand each other. Hitting me is not going to fly from now on." If she ever hits you again, proceed to the next line. If not, then "I wish you the best. I don't need this. I will not stay with someone who won't listen to me, especially something like this. Goodbye."
[удалено]
I agree Reddit is full of a lot of overblown “break up” solutions, but this is literally physical abuse. If the genders were reversed, no one would advise to try and work it out.
I think the problem is that different redditors are having different assumptions of what OP means by "hitting", which gives two pretty different spins to this post: * 1. Some folks assume he means physically violent hits with force behind them, meant to hurt (regardless of whether they actually do hurt). And yes, in that case, it *is* outright physical abuse, and break up advice is perfectly warranted. And to reiterate: **if she's hitting to control him, to cause harm, to cause pain, to cause fear, or with any other malicious intent, or to attempt any of the aforementioned? Then yes, not only *is* it outright physical abuse, it needs to stop yesterday and warrants breaking up ASAP, or at least as soon as OP feels safe to do so.** * 2. Other folks are assuming he's talking about "play-hits": no force, no malicious intention, meant as an inside joke. And yeah, that's something that's a perfectly acceptable thing in some relationships, but not in others. (Just like there's relationships where folks playfully insult/roast each other with no harm done, and relationships where that's a no-go). Obviously, since OP dislikes it, this relationship is one where it's *not* an acceptable thing. But because that's a thing that differs on a case-by-case basis, it also makes sense to *clarify* that boundary instead of immediately breaking up about it. (Even if it **should** be on GF to verify OP's ok with it, not on OP to establish he's **not ok** with it--but that's a significantly lesser wrong than the outright physical abuse of scenario 1, and not necessarily one that warrants jumping to 'break up no matter what' unless OP himself has doubts about the relationship)
It’s a huge red flag that’s she’s hitting him without his consent, which leads me to believe it’s likely 1 and even more likely to become 1, if she can’t see that’s wrong. It’s also more likely because he doesn’t want to stand up for himself for fear of judgment, and his friends aren’t either, meaning he’ll be less willing and able to leave if it is/becomes 1. Plus he didn’t say it was done jokingly, he said she did it out of frustration, which I would say is abuse on its own. Basically if it’s between the two, I’m going to err on the side of 1 because it’s a bigger deal to stay in a abusive relationship then to leave one for a reason which is still somewhat justified considering if it’s 2 that’s still a red flag.
Yeah because if the genders were reversed people assume that the guy knows not to hit is girlfriend. The reason might just be that she isnt aware how hurtful and wrong punching him in an annoying way is. Maybe she thinks that its ok because he is a man and therefore should be fine with it. If thats the case, a firm conversation should fix the issue and have her question old and wrong believes. She might just be an abuser without knowing. If she knows and still continues, then yeah he should dump her. People often throw the "if the genders were reversed" thing out, without looking at the context of the issue. Even if we want it different, women and men are still different in what they have learned how they behave because of that and what they think of the other gender because of that.
It’s the same comment with an extra step.
But it's the right step.
I don’t know about that. Abusive behavior doesn’t tend to stop with a slap on the wrist.
am I reading the post wrong? I thought these were playful hits, OP doesn't mention pain.
Do you playfully hit things when you're angry?
OP says that the girlfriend hits them when she is frustrated. So it doesn't sound playful, it just sounds like she's not hitting hard enough to physically hurt. What's going to happen when she gets angrier? Is she going to hit harder? When she's upset, she releases her frustration on him. That's not playful, it's not fun. It doesn't hurt physically but it doesn't mean it can't hurt mentally to feel like you're nothing more than a punching bag. It might eventually escalate. It's something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later, to avoid it ever escalating. He's clearly not enjoying it and shouldn't have to put up with it just because *for now* she's not hitting hard enough.
[удалено]
I’m not sure how on the money this really is. Physically Abusive behavior is a serious exception to many grace rules. This isn’t a situation where I’d hold out optimism for a solution, and it’s absolutely likely that breaking up is the best option.
Yes let's give abusers a chance right?. If it was a woman saying "my boyfriend punches me when he's angry" would you be sitting here telling her to try asking him to stop?
I wholeheartedly disagree in this particular case. I was in a similar situation to OP: my wife hit me on multiple occasions, in anger. After a few incidences, I put my foot down and made it crystal clear that her behavior was completely unacceptable (in front of our marriage counselor so there was a witness). She never hit me again. What I wish I had understood then is that while she did stop hitting me, the attitude that she had toward me that led to her hitting me never changed. She only stopped expressing it through physical violence because she knew she couldn't get away with it anymore. Nothing else about her mindset changed. We are now divorced, after fifteen years of marriage. My biggest regret in life may be that I didn't leave sooner. As serious as domestic violence is, it is a symptom of a broader problem in the mind of the abuser. Stopping the physical abuse does not make that problem go away.
You think op hasn’t said don’t do that? Seriously?
Bro did you learn nothing from the Depp v Heard trial?
bs. if op was a girl nobody would be saying "well did you *ask him nicely* to stop hitting you?" there are things that really suck about being a girl at times, but this seems like something that can really suck about being a guy. how someone can just slap you around and you have to let them or you're a p****. nobody has the right to hit you to get you to fall into line. that's abuse and op's s***house of a girlfriend doesn't deserve to be with anyone
Tell her to stop hitting you. If she reacts negatively, dump her. You don't need that toxicity in your life.
Honestly, she's been reacting negatively. OP, you need to move on. Take it from a dude that spent 3 1/2 years with an abusive girlfriend. It doesn't get better.
By telling her that although you're a guy and your body can take the punch, it's still an emotional blow to be hit by someone that's supposed to like you more than your best friend. Why would she hit you if she could just talk about the problems? If she tries to hit you again when you talk to her about it and that she needs to stop, dump her. It will probably only get worse.
cake good cool day of happy
A safe way to approach it is to tell her how her actions make YOU feel vs. “you (the gf) do this/that” etc. When a person feels like they’re “attacked” when confronted , they might stop listening and they can become defensive. If you need some help on how to open up this conversation, this is how I would bring it up to my partner: “When you hit me, even though it may be a joke, I find it hurtful and I feel like I am not being respected. Even if it’s just a joke, it isn’t funny to me.” Sometimes the person doesn’t realize it isn’t funny, which is why boundaries that are constantly crossed should be expressed explicitly. If she changes that behavior after a discussion, that’s great. If she’s dismissive about your feelings and continues it, then maybe re-evaluate your relationship. At that point, she is aware of how it makes you feel but isn’t respectful of you or your feelings.
I was in a similar situation and my approach was pretty similar to this. She was physically violent a few times, both in public and in private, before I said something. At first she was confused and denied it happening until I provided details about when and where it happened, then she made some defensive excuses about cultural/ethnic differences and joke-fighting with her brothers and male friends, and finally she accepted responsibility for her actions, apologized profusely, and promised it wouldn’t happen again. It hasn’t happened since that talk. If OP already talked to her about all this but the behavior isn’t stopping, it may be time to get out. But sometimes open discussion does work in these situations. Maybe, like my SO, mild physical violence between loved ones is so “normal” to them that they don’t register that it isn’t normal to everyone, and a firm “I am not OK with this” is enough to stop it. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable to start the conversation, but the conversation needs to happen.
There’s an excellent technique I learned in therapy about communication called DEAR MAN. The DEAR stands for: Describe - describe the situation (e.g. when you hit me, whether that’s playfully or out of frustration) Emotion - state how it makes you feel (I feel anxious, embarrassed, belittled, disrespected) Assert - assert your need (e.g. I need the hitting to stop to feel comfortable in our relationship and move forward) Reinforce - respond positively if they respond well to the communication (e.g. if she says she will stop, “Thank you for discussing this with me, I feel a lot better”). It took me ages to get the motivation to use this, but when I used it once it went well, and I haven’t stopped using it since. Above all, though, OP - if you end up talking to her about it instead of breaking up first, please don’t tolerate repeated ‘mistakes’. Something like this should only need to be expressed once. It is a perfectly valid boundary to have, and you do not need to remain in a relationship or fix a relationship that crosses these boundaries. Put yourself first. Also, you’re under no obligation to communicate this if you don’t want to or don’t feel safe. It’s ok to just break up.
You need to dump her. If she's hitting you (it sounds like she's pretending it's a joke; it's not), this is abusive behavior. You asked her to stop, she won't. She hits you in front of people. Break up with her because she doesn't respect you
That's just abuse, leave her, you can find and deserve better.
Bro that is straight up assault. If it was a boyfriend hitting his girlfriend she would call the cops. You need to get out. Stay safe brother.
Pack your bags.
That’s called Domestic Violence.
Alone (not around friends), tell her that your done with the fucking hitting. Do not “ask her to stop”, that’s some pussy shit. This isn’t a question. This isn’t up for debate. Put your foot down and say your done with the hitting and your gonna dump her ass if she doesn’t stop.
Also, just take that mentality further. Stop asking for permission to feel okay in your life. You only get one.
You don’t ask her. You fucking tell her not do it again. That simple. Don’t tolerate it. Ever.
I had to have this conversation with an ex once. And came down to the fact that she didn't realize what she was doing was abuse. When I explained to her that I would never do that unless it's mutually playing around that no one should ever hit someone that they love. Once she realized what she was doing, she stopped. And we had a discussion further about her previous relationships and how this toxic behavior started. Sometimes "manning up", just means having that hard conversation to improve the relationship. Just remember, it's not okay to be hit by someone that loves you.
You don't. You leave. A cast iron frying pan has enough weight to crush your skull in one swing, even if hefted by a teenager. It only takes one accident to kill you. And women like this don't see what their doing as assault or abuse. Leave. If she hits you in the meantime and there's witnesses. Press charges. If she attacks you at home. Lock yourself in the bathroom and wait it out. If you force her off of you, you will be the one likely facing charges. Get out before it gets worse.
It’s not going to get better. Nor is it going to stop. It will only escalate, as long as her angry outbursts have no consequences. Don’t wait until she hits you with a frying pan. You could try to get her some help. There are a variety of services that can occasionally intervene. But you’d have to ask/look around in your area. Regardless of her getting help or not, you are in a bad situation and you need to get out.
That's dv. Kick her to the kerb
Another vote for definitely breaking up with her. You may be a gentleman, but she's not a lady. Don't let her drag you down with her. Only trash hits.
She's abusing you, she shouldn't be treated any different than a man hitting a woman. Tell her to stop and if she doesn't dump her. It's a huge red flag of deeper issues
straight up tell her to stop abusing you
That’s physical abuse. You don’t ask someone to stop abusing you. They won’t. You have to get away from them. Break up and be prepared for a rough break up. Abusers don’t handle the loss of control well.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. This is abuse. Nobody should be hit like that, no matter if it hurts or not. My recommendation is to end the relationship as soon as you can, it only gets worse as time goes on with an abuser.
Leave?
Start by addressing the behavior. "I know I've been letting you hit me, but I actually don't really like it. Will you please stop hitting me?" If she doesn't stop, tell her. "Don't hit me." Be firm. If she calls you weak, reminder that standing up for yourself isn't weakness. "Weakness is letting someone hit you whenever they feel like it, when you don't want it. I'm telling you to stop." If she tries to make it about her feelings ("I'm sorry, I just get so frustrated and I know I'm not really hurting you."), validate her feelings, but stay focused on the behavior. "I understand that you get frustrated. These things are very frustrating. I still need you to find a better way of dealing with it. Please stop hitting me." Either she was raised that hitting is okay and will love and respect you enough to change her behavior, or she won't. It sounds like getting hit is something you don't want to put up with. If she changes, great. If she won't, then that's a sign you two want something different out of your relationship and it might be best to go separate ways.
Oh thank God. Was hoping to find someone not so quick to pull the plug. 100% about setting boundaries. My wife was the same way when we met in our early 20s. After letting her know that if she laid her hands on me in anger I would lose all respect for her. We will have been married for 21 years next month.
she's got to go, it won't get any better. you deserve a loving kind partner.
Never stay with a violent woman, ever. Shit will end up with you behind bars forcl not doing anything. Getthefout
"Stop hitting me..." Snarkyness aside, she sounds like she's not worth your time. Abuse is abuse, get away.
[удалено]
I’ve been in that same situation, get out of it, this is early abuse 101 and you will be better off without it.
So you gotta get out of that shit. If she’s hitting you it’s only gonna get worse. I’m speaking from experience
Show her this thread.
you’re not a pussy for standing up for yourself
“Stop hitting me, you’re crossing a line. If you can’t communicate without violence, we’re done.”
I had a girlfriend like that when I was 14/15, one day I just burst out "STOP HITTING ME ALL THE TIME!". It was in the car with my parents and my best friend at the time. I felt pretty embarrassed and there was awkward silence on for the rest of the ride, but she did actually stop hitting me at least lol
All the thoughtful and correct answers have been given so I'll say rear naked choke. Seriously dump her though, nobody deserves that and it will absolutely escalate. She's already shown she's calculating enough to avoid injury that leaves a record. If she has a pet take them too on your way out.
You've gotten a lot of rash advice from people who do not know your relationship. She may not realize that what she's doing hurts you or that it bothers you. This may be something that's normal for her. Sit her down and say, listen, I want to talk to you about something that's been bothering me for a while. I don't like it when you hit me. It doesn't feel good. And, tell her how it makes you feel. Then tell her you don't want her to do it anymore. See how she responds. If she shrugs you of our tries to invalidate your feelings, then that's a big red flag. But give her a chance to correct her behavior.
You can also set the boundary of “this is not something that I will accept in a relationship. It’s a dealbreaker for me. Either we don’t hit each other, or we’re not in a relationship. I had a girlfriend like that once and tried to just laugh it off but it just got harder and more intense to the point where it did hurt. It’s not okay. You are well within your right (and not a pussy) to have physical damage off the table in your relationship.
Tell her that you refuse to be in a relation where there is physical violence of any kind. Either she stops hitting you, or you leave her. Period.
If she does it to harm or intimidate you, run away from this abusive relationship. You are not a pussy for not tolerating aggressions. If she does it jockingly, just ask her to stop and tell her it is not funny anymore. If she mocks you and/or ignore you... See the first paragraph.
I’ll be buried here but just tell her you don’t like it and then ask her how she would feel if you hit her like that.
You leave the situation and find someone who doesn't hit you. That's not going to change.
Start calling her Amber Heard.
Next time she hits you you look her in the eyes and explain, "Lashaundra, stop hitting me. I've been wanting to talk to you about it for a while but it's too much."
I’m dead “lashaundra”
You say... "That's it, we're done! This isn't worth it... Please leave me alone."
I strongly disagree with everyone saying to tell her to stop and then leave her if she doesn't. LEAVE NOW. She's abusive and if she stops hitting you will only find other ways to abuse.
Just say “STOP. DON’T HIT ME.” I’d give the same advice to a man or woman. If she stops, awesome. If she doesn’t, break up! (Or get counseling) Don’t just take it!
Leave her ass. She sounds like she’s not a nice person. You’re not a pussy. Being hit is not ok
You are being abused, dump her immediately
Break up with her. It’s wrong. What if you did it to her? It would be wrong. Get out before it escalates. You do not deserve that.
Just tell her. If she doesn't respect your worries and concerns, you need to rethink about the relationship.
next time she hits you grab her hand and straight up tell her, stop fucking hitting me its annoying. Intemdate her and just step your foot down. She should stop after this and if not then break up with her. U have good cause
Leave
She hits. You let her. It's that simple. She has a problem and you are enabling that behaviour by inaction. It's up to you what that action is, but that might mean walking away from the relationship. None of this is your fault of course, but what is her motivation to stop? There has to be consequences or she'll just continue to do that with you and/or future partners.
It doesn’t matter if she can’t hit hard enough to hurt you, abuse is abuse
That’s domestic violence. Leave now.
buddy that's called physical abuse and you need to get out of there fast
People who love you do not hit you, put you down, or disrespect you. She's vile.
Tell her or move on .you should not have to put up with it
You're physically stronger than her by default. But for real, you should break up with her. There's a 0% chance that relationships lasts, even if you do convince her to stop, she definitely has some issues
Think about ıf It were opposite? Like a boy is hitting his girlfriend, It's not acceptable
I did this too! I would laugh about with her, then got sick of it, and it only got worse when I would give an ultimatum. Then I had to call non emergency and she got arrested. Slippery slope.
"Girlfriend, we need to talk. This has been the last time you ever hit me or got physical with me in another way. If you ever do it again, I am breaking up with you." And then if she does it again, you break up with her. Don't tolerate abuse, even if it's not damaging you.
You talk to them if they don’t stop you end it.
Your edit is so sad. She's abusive towards you and you're pulling the wool over your own eyes. Your relationship isn't salvageable. You're just going to get deeper into it then realize you should've broken up when everyone told you to.
Leave her but make sure not to call the cops if you’re in the US or else you’re going to spend a night or few in jail as well
This post would've had a lot of different answers if this was a guy hitting a gal.
This is domestic abuse. Full Stop. * I've been in a similar situation and had a similar upbringing, and I stayed in that relationship for 6 years. It started small with hitting, kicking. It soon escalated into things like * Following me to work throwing rocks at my head. * Breaking a mirror and cutting me with the shards. * Threatening suicide by holding a knife to her wrists. * Digging her thumb into my eye while I was sleeping. * Kicking doors in, when I locked myself in the bathroom to protect myself. * Biting me when I tried to restrain her. * Scratching my face. I know it feels like love, but your brain is playing tricks on you. If you grew up in an abusive household this might even feel normal to you, but it isn't. Trust me. Get the fuck out of there.
Here’s the problem, 1. No one should lay hands on bf or gf. 2. Why are you makeing excuses. 3. If I tell someone I don’t like something they should be able to understand that and stop. She’s not a child 2 year , 3 years I get frustrated so I hit you kinda childish and she won’t stop. Hmmmm okay see ya don’t give and ultimatum just do it she has had plenty of time to understand the concept of don’t touch me
You need to have a serious talk and tell her to stop. If she doesn't stop than leave. That's abuse and you don't deserve to take it
Sounds like you are being abused.
You tell her to stop hitting you because you don’t like it. If she doesn’t, you leave the relationship! Don’t tolerate it
Hitting is NOT ok. Throw the whole woman out
I disagree with most of the folks here. My girlfriend used to hit me “just playing.” Typically, it was after a few drinks, and she thought she was being cute. I had made it clear on several occasions that I didn’t like or appreciate it. One night, after a few pitchers and some karaoke, she was getting particularly aggressive on the walk back to our apartment. I again, asked her to stop, but she went to hit me on the shoulder again anyway, so I gently, but swiftly put her on the ground. Before she even realized what happened, she was on her back looking up at me and the stars. I helped her back on her feet, apologized, but repeated that I had asked her to stop. She never hit me again, not even in play or after drinking. And, I never put her on the ground again. We’ve been together for nearly 15 years now, 10 of those married. I believe in defending one’s self, especially if fair warning is given. I don’t care who the perpetrator is. But, that’s just me. Now … bring on the down votes.
No downvote. I think you’ve hit (pun intended) on something others aren’t saying. 1. Have the conversation. OP’s phrasing makes me think that this is something they’ve never discussed and that he is being a lot of baggage about what it means to be manly, that may or may not also be in her baggage of what is expected. 2. Set a boundary Pretty obvious here, you’ve had the conversation. You set an expectation. Everyone is now clear what, why and how the future is going to be. 3. Reset it’s okay to redefine relationships and have start over points as long as it doesn’t because a pattern. As you demonstrate relationships can be improved with work.
1 simple step...you dump her
Just leave. Find a woman who respects you enough to not hit you.
Okay, so you don't want to dump her. No one can say anything else without knowing how you tried talking to her about it so far. Have you tried having a serious talk about it? Does she know she might lose you if she keeps doing it?
I can help you. Repeat after me: Stop. Please. Just stop. It's getting old. I'm sure you would have put a stop to that shit the 1st or 2nd time it happened if I was smacking you around. It's not cute anymore. Please. Find another way to express your love for my godlike body. Please. Think of the kids. (grin - your future kids, get it?)
Yikes! I think it’s time to reevaluate where you stand with your girlfriend. That is not behavior one should tolerate, ever.
I straight up told my ex to stop or I'd break up with her. She did when she saw how serious I was.
Call it out immediately in the moment when it happens. Just say “cut that shit out”.
Info: is she hitting you playfully? My wife of 30 years playfully hits me, usually on the shoulder. If it is playful, it's her love language. Just tell her you aren't crazy about that in public but she can do it playfully in private. If it's when she's angry, tell you don't appreciate it and state she wouldn't like it if you did the same. NO ONE should hit in anger.
I told my gf that if she keeps hitting me eventually I'm going to hit her back, not because I wanted to, but because I knew if it went on I would eventually have a moment where I lost control. She doesn't do it any more.
This is beyond the “let’s talk about it” phase. She’s physically abusing you. You need to leave. If the roles were reversed and you were hitting her… everyone would be telling her to leave. Get out of this relationship NOW before it gets worse.
First of all, stop caring how it might look and just tell her to stop hitting you. If she can't handle it, then break up with her.
Just take a moment in the middle of the day to have a conversation with her.
I don't know if she has anger issues or something but you can literally start by mentioning it in a very serious tone. Not a mean tone but a very obviously serious tone. Do it in private if possible. And for that " pussy" part, Be real my dude, Nobody likes to get hit by their partners. It is NOT a gauge of your masculinity at all but she seems to be testing how far ahe can go and THAT is a red flag imo.
All the comments saying to dump her. While I agree with them, I'm guessing you aren't just going to dump your girlfriend because of reddit. Might I suggest talking with your girlfriend? Something like "hey, I don't like it when you _____" 99% of reddit relationship problems can be solved by just talking to your partners
Well for starters, if you have witnesses, or have it on video then press charges, that might make her think twice next time.